From the Bullpen

Official Publication of The Hot Stove League Eastern Nebraska Division 1998 Season

Edition No. 13 June 16, 1998

Brethren: And the Tigers with 183 points, while the Cubs* hurlers could muster up only 14 points for Before turning over this week’s issue of WEEK 11 POINT TOTALS the week by the entire staff, led by Doug FTB to our guest columnist, I am duty- “Grandpa” Jones with 16. bound to report the: 1. Chiefs 408 2. Red Sox 396 The top hitter for the year is still Big WEEK 11 STANDINGS 3. Tigers 394 Mac, with 444 points, while Maddux con- 4. Blues 367 tinues to lead all with 333 points. 5. Skipjacks 342 The top hitter for the week was Dante 1. Blues 4074 6. Tribe 333 “Tainted Cycle” Bichette of the Chiefs. The 2. Bombers 3958 7. Reds 328 top for the week was Rick “Tricko 3. Chiefs 3878 8. Senators 293 Traded Me for Brian Giles?!” Reed, who 4. Tigers 3864 notched 57 points for the week and is now 5. Senators 3852 9. Bombers 280 (T) Pirates 280 the fourth best in the HSL. 6. Skipjacks 3611 7. Cubs* 3610 11. Redbirds 226 And now, without further ado, I give you 8. Redbirds 3589 12. Cubs* 163 9. Red Sox 3418 the one, the only, the fast-talking, flesh- 10. Reds 3388 Top hitting team for the week was the pressing, back-slapping, baby-kissing, Per- 11. Tribe 3250 Chiefs with 265 points, while the Redbirds’ sian Purveyor of Plastic, our own John 12. Pirates 3226 134 points lagged the pack. The top pitch- “a/k/a Sandjigger a/k/a Itchie Flukemeister” ing team for the week was the pitching-rich Thielen.

FROM THE BULLPEN d/b/a

SKIPJACKS OWNER IN Has ever had an outing week’s point totals, you’ll have the plea- DIRE STRAITS; greater than negative 16? Would Ron Gant sure of perusing my assessment of your LOOKS TO DRABEK dying his hair blond help to push him over respective scrap heaps. TO SAVE SEASON the .200 mark? Is Andy Pettitte capable of producing any points, other than in those STANDINGS THRU WEEK 11 Well, it’s not that bad yet. But let me seasons in which he is an illegal pick and help you to understand the depths of my part of an ethically questionable league 1. Blues 4074 depression. Perhaps the most succinct way champion? On all counts, the answer is no, 2. Bronx Bombers 3958 to convey this is to relay a typical conver- but no matter. The sense here is that Jig- 3. Chiefs 3878 sation in the everyday life of Bitchie (Bride ger’s death spiral has run its course, and 4. Tigers 3864 of Itchie)* and Itchie: the Jax are poised for a steady climb back 5. Senators 3852

to the summit of the league standings. 6. Skipjacks 3611 BITCHIE: Sugarplum, your Fantasy Golf Why, in the last couple weeks, I have 7. Cubs* 3610 league fax came in on the ma- swiped both and Mike Mor- 8. Redbirds 3589 chine. gan right out from under your collective 9. Red Sox 3418 ITCHIE: Snookems, I’m not in the Golf beaks in the free agent draft. What were 10. Reds 3388 league this year. you all thinking? I can only think of one 11. Tribe 3250 BITCHIE: You must be in first place, you other owner savvy enough to pull off a 12. Pirates 3226 had four guys under par today. comparable daily double this year. Hint: ITCHIE: Give me the fax, Anne. rd (Chan Ho Park in the 3 ; Rickey Hender- McBlunder’s Boys get a little breathing BITCHIE: Tom Candiotti was minus 22, son in the Free Agent Draft). It’s only a room at the top, thanks mostly to the Bronx Aaron Sele was minus 16, matter of time before the Skipjacks’ gra- Bombers’ one-week brush with reality. All minus 14, and dual ascent begins, perhaps coinciding with in all, it proved to be a difficult week for Juan Guzman minus 13. J.D. Drews’ offer to sign a contract just for the Hot Stove League, with five clubs post- That’s a lot of birdies! the love of the game. (Is he kin of yours, ing sub-300 point weeks (henceforth re- ITCHIE: Give me the damn fax, lady. Big Guy?) ferred to as the Burkett line, a lá the Men- BITCHIE: You act like this is life and doza line, in honor of that slug’s perfect death. But enough about my team. Nobody game between the gutters). ITCHIE: If only it were that simple. wants to read a publication produced by

someone that alternately brags and bitches B.T.’s resilient Chiefs took weekly Now, is it strictly coincidence that my about only his own team. All eleven own- honors with 407 points, moving his pack of invitation to be the guest scribe comes at a ers in the league fully comprehend the con- wild Indians (excuse me, aggressive Native time when the once league-leading Skip- cept that the Official Publication of the Hot Americans) into 3rd place overall. The jacks (okay, maybe it was only for twelve Stove League is about the league, not one most noteworthy performance of the week hours) had plummeted to the dank, musty myopic owner’s team. What’s that, you was turned in by the Cubs*, whose manag- confines of the lower division? Has any say there are twelve owners? Oh…then I er apparently demoted his entire team to team ever had such a perfect geometric guess I better make this good, since it will the minor leagues after Wednesday’s point regression, consistently scoring just a likely be, as the Reverend Jackson says, games, accounting for his paltry total of few less points than the previous week? my last “opportunitay” to make my opinion 162 points for the week. This performance ______heard among the Hot Stove “communitay.” was good enough for 7th worst of all time.

However, let’s give credit where credit is * Exclusive, limited permission for use of Since I don’t make my living as a due; taking into account shortened weeks the name Bitchie in this publication has “word merchant” like the numerous barris- due to the All-Star game and the final week been asked for (begged for) and granted. ters in this league, I’m gonna give it to you of the season, the Cubs*’ effort is actually Any further references to Bitchie are not straight, Willy Loman style. You may not the 4th worst of all time. Nice going, Sha- authorized and are at your own risk, and I like it, but dammit, there’s not a whole lot mu. wouldn’t go there if I were you. you can do about it. After a review of this From the Bullpen d/b/a The Jiggernaut June 16, 1998 Page 2

Now, as I see it, here’s what’s right Tony Clark, and Caminiti) and a solid games by Joey Cora. Get it fixed, Oscar! (jiggy with it?) or wrong with your team: pitching staff. I have to take exception to Also appears that owner may have been Chuck Finley, who, as an ex-Skipjack, filling up at Kwik Shop when he realized BLUES: Yes, sir, I must say I do be- makes me nauseous. The guy gets married, he had to draft a team that day. lieve this is it. Ol’ Stretch has finally sticks his dome in Clorox, and all of a sud- pasted together a club that’s gonna com- den he’s . Amazing what a REDS: A second-half rally is in the pete. Notice the direct correlation between little “trim” from the sex kitten will do for works for this club. The Big Hurt, Phlegm McBlunder’s movement away from draft- you. Look for a finish in the money from Alomar, Shawn Estes, Charles Johnson, ing Kansas City Royals and his lengthy the Chiefs, and for B.T. to opt for the Sur- and have all failed to show up stint in the Upper Division. So what if it fer Boy look as a tribute to Chuckie. so far, and have got to pick it up soon. took him eight years to figure it out. While Jeter is having a breakout year (thanks, his marquee picks have significantly unde- TIGERS: With Godzilla on pace to hit Mariah, it’s the “trim” thing again), and if rachieved, i.e., Big Eunuch, he’s been sage 285 homers, the Bengals will stay within Mr. Tricko can work some of his magic, he enough to rely on the one variable that has striking distance till mid August. At that just might make a move into contention. consistently delivered the league hardware: point, Faceraker will be knocking on more Problem is, this boy’s got one big m-f ing Blind Luck. Look for Stretch to be in it for doors than a Jehovah’s Witness, looking to mountain to climb. the long haul. peddle Big Mac for a pitcher or two. Big Guy defied the smart money by refusing to RED SOX: When I look at the Red BOMBERS: I just don’t get it. Some- draft pitching early and his strategy is Sox, an image keeps popping into my head. body wake me up when Mouse moves back working, for now. Pisses me off. I leave It’s Admiral Stockdale, Ross Perot’s ill- to 11th place and things are back as they the draft with Schilling, Pettitte, and Nagy, fated Vice Presidential nominee, who un- should be. Look in the dictionary next to proud as a peacock, and he’s kicking my der pressure on a nationally televised de- “aberration” and tell me if it doesn’t say ass in pitching. You’ll get yours, smart bate, uttered the famous quote: “What the “Bronx Bombers, 1998.” In reality, guy. hell am I doing here, anyway?” An appro- Mouse’s club will be even more dangerous priate query for the Possum. if Bagwell starts to put up his usual num- CUBS: CLXII. For those of you who bers, but pitching is what’s brung him to went to school with Chuck, that’s 162. PIRATES: Stinky fish and thin air the dance. Unfortunately, he’s only a case Shamu’s* point total for Week 11. Not have been the bane of SloPay this year. of gout and a Kamikaze tantrum away from exactly making a move, and now that Ra- Salmon has yet to put up the numbers the a steep descent to the middle of the pack. mon Martinez is going down with a wing Silent One was counting on, and Kile has Sammy Sosa’s homer binge will eventually on fire, there’s not a lot of optimism ema- found the thin air at Coors Field slightly be erased by an equally impressive string nating from the Cubs* clubhouse. Look different than the air conditioner blowing of consecutive come July. Look for Snickler to pull in the reins in late July in at the Astrodome. Juan Gone has been for it to happen. and post a “Transactions Suspended” short- the Pirates’ lone shining star, and I sense a ly thereafter as he waves the white flag for hamstring pull or another paternity suit will SENATORS: Anybody who would the Cubs*. lead to his undoing come July. actually consider that he may have made a mistake by releasing Doug Drabek and REDBIRDS: KKKKKKerry Wood. TRIBE: The Hot Stove League Turk would waste the ink it takes to write about Not since Steve Carlton won 27 games for has tapped Underbelly on the shoulder, that loser is either (a) lacking possession of the hapless Phils has one pitcher meant so asked him to show his roster, and uttered cognitive skills; (b) under the influence of much to a team. Hopelessly languishing the words that represent Underbelly’s alcohol (but in good company with Mo near the bottom of the Hot Stove heap, the worst nightmare: “You’ll have to move Vaughn, Mondesi, and Jaha); or (c) void of Redbirds’ season turned around one fateful along, son. You don’t belong here.” If any hint of ability to evaluate tal- Sunday evening. The young Clemens anyone thinks Mark Grudzielanek has po- ent. Not a bad club in general, but a smid- clone has picked the Crimson Chirpers up tential, I suspect a phone call to Underbelly gen too many eggs in the Bosox basket. by their bootstraps and given new meaning would bear fruit. Hang a donut on the Beantown Boys and to this Iowegan’s life. A couple prudent watch Skipper fidget like a brother in Jas- trades could get the Redbirds back in posi- BALLS AND STRIKES per. Maddux alone will carry this team to tion for the traditional 2nd place finish. A th Renamed this week in September, but 4 place will represent an couple blunders, and he’s toast. honor of the Skipjacks: overachievement. SKIPJACKS: Outstanding talent eve- ERRORS AND CHIEFS: Extremely weak up the rywhere, solid pitching, timely hitting. UNEARNED RUNS middle (Lieberthal, Baerga, and Vizcaino), Team must be a victim of a year 2000 bug but compensated for by some potential big in the Stats, Inc., software program, elimi-  I take back what I told Buser about sticks who’ve yet to bust loose (Dante, nating bonus points earned for three error Ken Hill. He really does stink. From the Bullpen d/b/a The Jiggernaut June 16, 1998 Page 3

household, where at least the Bride of Itc-  I’m glad I’m not a player on Scott’s hie believes I’m on the way to 1st place. team. This guy has a hair trigger for re- leasing erstwhile Chiefs. You don’t play right, you don’t stay the night. Itchie  Speaking of the Chiefs, has the now figured Pedro Mar- tinez out? Once through the league, and all of a sudden the magic is gone. Witness these Skipjack-like stats for the fungo bat with clothes on: 12 home runs given up in his last 20 innings; 8.63 ERA over his last four starts. B.T., is it time to pull the trig- ger on him?

 I wasn’t sure until just now, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Juan Guzman is not going to win the this year. Roger Clemens, you’re an ass. (Scott, Guzman for Martinez straight across?)

 Anybody with 3610 points or less at this point in the season ought to be ashamed of themselves.

 Mark McGwire will hit 72 home runs this year.

 Why does ESPN2 always go to a break right when I need the next score on the ticker? Do any of you other idiots flip between ESPN2, CNNSI, and Headline News like me just in time to see them post an eight spot against your starter for that day?

 Hey, Ted, Luis Polonia and Vince Coleman are still available as free agents. Felix Martinez is in Omaha for now, so you’ll have to wait a bit on him.

 If Curt Schilling were on the Braves, he would be 12-1.

That’s it for this week. Obligatory thanks to the regular writer of From the Bullpen for letting me squeeze the squid this week. I’m glad I don’t have to write this thing every week. (I know, so are you.) Now that I’ve completed this task, I can get back to being Chief Juice-Getter and Butt-Wiper in the Kenny Jenkins