STRICTLY BALLROOM THE MUSICAL

BOOK BY & CRAIG PEARCE

ADAPTED BY TERRY JOHNSON

LONDON REHEARSAL SCRIPT MARCH 26TH 2017

Sample. Do not Copy. ACT ONE BARRY V/O Ladies and Gentlemen the National Australian Federation of Dance, NAFOD strictly prohibits the use of cameras and recording devices. These dancers are caked in lead based makeup and highly flammable hairspray. One tiny flash from the camera could cause a terrible explosion. And remember folks – keep things strictly ballroom. The red curtain rises to reveal... EMPTY, DARK STAGE. Music and spotlight up on: a tail-suited Scott spinning on the spot, centre stage in a waltz-like spin... We hear a disembodied, omnipotent voice... NARRATOR A long, long, time ago - in a land far, far away (Australia), there lived a prince of the Ballroom World: number 100, Scott Hastings... Since he was six, Scott’d trained his bloody guts out, and from his ballroom palace, at 12 Wollombimbi Crescent, Scott and his Ballroom mum, Shirley... (spotlight up on Shirley spinning alone) ...sallied forth in search of glory. And under the eagle-eyed tutelage of Les Kendall, who'd coached Scott since he was a little tacker... (Les now spins with Shirley) And with his long-time partner, Liz Holt... (Scott is joined by Liz they spin together) Scott won so many trophies, pennants and medals that dad, Doug...who sadly didin't dance (spotlight up on Doug just standing there) ...had to move the sofa out of the living room to accommodate the trophy cabinet. (as the narration continues we find other Sample.couples spinning)Do not Copy. Of course there many princes and princesses of the ballroom world - but only one could be king and queen.... (fake-tanned Ken Railings and Pam Short take focus and ostentatiously receive the imagined accolades of the crowd) (MORE) 2. NARRATOR (CONT'D) For Scott to become King, there was one title he had to win - the holy grail of Ballroom dancing, a title that crushed dreams and made legends: The Open Amateur, 5 Dance, Latin American, Pan Pacifics Grand Prix! And everyone agreed, it was Scott’s year! An outraged Liz yells in a nasal Aussie accent. LIZ And mine! NARRATOR And Liz’s. Scott and Liz sing as they dance... SCOTT SEE THE ANGLE OF MY ARM LIZ THE TILT OF MY CHIN SCOTT/LIZ THE BLISTERING PRECISION OF OUR TELEMARK AND WING CHASSE, PROMENADE DOUBLE REVERSE SPIN ALL IT'S STRICTLY BALLROOM HERE COMES THE DRAG HESITATION THE FALLAWAY WHISK THE TEARS, SWEAT AND BLEEDING'S BEEN LEADING TO THIS PERFECTION! NIRVANA! SCOTT/LIZ WE’RE OWNING THIS SHIT ALL IT'S STRICTLY BALLROOM

All the couples now sing and dance ALL SING (INCLUDING KENDALLS) WHEN YOU'RE STRICTLY BALLROOM LIFE IS PERFECT ALL THE TIME OBEY THESample. REGULATIONS AND YOU'LL Do CLIMB not Copy. PRAISE THE FEDERATION OUR SALAVATION'S GUARANTEED STRICTLY BALLROOM IS ALL YOU NEED. Big finish with Scott and Liz now the centre of all our attention! 3.

Federation banners and other set flies in to create the Waratah Festival. As the applause fades... JJ SILVERS Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Woongabbie Town Hall for the 1985 Waratah, Inter-Regional ballroom dance Championships, the first step on the road to glory, the Pan Pacifics Grand Prix. I’m your host for this evening JJ Silvers.Do you like my jacket? Just something i picked up at a yard sale. I'm excited to announce, that the great man himself is adjudicating tonight- our benevolent and beloved, Federation President Barry Fife! Barry, gives a presidential wave to the crowd. JJ SILVERS (CONT’D) Who's eagerly awaited, latest video, Dance to Win, 8 - is on sale here tonight; don’t forget to snaffle a copy or two! (a sexy purr) (Samba starts) Ok. Lets get this competition started. Get ready to cheer for your favourite couple, as we go south of the border for the Samba!

JJ SILVERS Take your places please for the Open Latin Final MUSIC: SAMBA INTO ALL OUT WAR

The stage explodes into dazzling spectacle as Ballroom costumes are shed to reveal lurid lurex and shimmering sequins! Couples prance and sashay across the floor in a Samba. Scott and Liz and Wayne and Vanessa are among the competing couples. Shirley, Les and the Sample. Doother Kendall'snot Copy. studio members cheer them on. Doug films with his ancient Super 8 camera. JJ SILVERS (CONT’D) Lets hear it for our reigning champions Ken Railings and Pam Short 4.

It's an El Alamein Fountain. Ken's always been a wonderful ambassador for ballroom dancing. JJ SILVERS Couple number 100 are giving them a run for their money

A Peacock twirl! Classic Fife. Scott and Liz are out dancing tragically waning Ballroom Stars Ken Railings and Pam Short by a mile.

Scott and Liz dance another spectacular variation. Fran, Shirley, Les, Kylie, Luke and others cheer excitedly. KENDALLS C'mon number 100!

SCOTT GIDDAY, KEN PAM/KEN LET US PASS!

LIZ PISS OFF PAM

KEN MOVE YOUR ARSE! ALL THIS ISN’T DANCE THIS IS WAR! HEAR THE ROARING OF THE CROWD TURN THE MUSIC WAY UP LOUD KEN/PAM WE’RE THE KING AND QUEEN A BALLROOMSample. DREAM Do not Copy. ALL THROUGH THE TEARS AND SWEAT WE’RE READY AS WE’LL EVER GET

SCOTT/LIZ WATCH AS WE BECOME CHAMPIONS 5.

ALL NO ONE CAN TOUCH US WE SMILE FOR THE JUDGES SCORE BUT GET IN OUR WAY AND YOU’LL PAY FOR IT WITH BLOOD ON THE FLOOR COS ONE THING’S SURE

THIS ISN’T DANCE THIS IS ALL-OUT WAR IT’S ALL-OUT WAR OUT ON THE FLOOR WE DON’T TAKE PRISONERS THAT’S FOR SURE WE’D MURDER FOR THE JUDGES SCORE IT’S ALL-OUT WAR IT’S ALL-OUT WAR

TEQUILA!

SHIRLEY I’M SHIRLEY HASTINGS I’M SCOTT’S MUM I’M PROUD AS PUNCH TO SEE MY SON AND LIZ PERFORM LES WE’RE IN BLISTERING FORM! SHIRLEY LIZ AND SCOTT WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER LES I’M LES KENDALL SHIRLEY I’M SCOTT’S MOTHER JJ SILVER AND WHO'S THIS, LOVE? SHIRLEY MY HUSBAND DOUG. LES/SHIRLEY THE DREAMS AND HOPES OF ALL OF KENDALL’S STUDIO ARE RIDING ON THIS NIGHT KYLIE/LUKE

COME ONSample. COUPLE ONE HUNDRED Do not Copy. LES/SHIRLEY

SCOTT IS THE ANOINTED ONE OUR CHAMPION THE KEEPER OF THE LIGHT 6.

SHIRLEY SO HE’D BETTER BLOODY FIGHT! ALL COS THIS ISN’T SOME KIND OF METAPHOR IT’S ALL OUT WAR IT’S ALL OUT WAR TEQUILA

OH MY GOD! WHAT A SHOCK! SCOTT HASTINGS AND LIZ HAVE BEEN BOXED IN, OR BLOCKED Girls HE'S BOXED IN BOYS THEY'RE BLOCKED

SCOTT GET OUT OF THE WAY, MATE LIZ PISS OFF! LET US PASS! KEN SORRY SWEETIE, WE NEED ALL THE ROOM LIZ MOVE YOUR BLOODY ARSE! KEN I’M GONNA NEED ALL THIS SPACE HERE TO CHA CHA PAM I’VE GOT A REAL WIDE CUCARACHA LIZ DO SOMETHING SCOTT WE CAN’T JUST STAY BLOCKED! SCOTT I’VE GOT AN IDEA THERE MIGHT BE A CHANCE FOLLOW ME, LIZ AND DO Sample.AS I DANCE Do not Copy. As Scott dances his improvised steps, DOUG FILMS INTENSELY with his Super 8 camera. Kylie and Luke excitedly cheer. KYLIE/LUKE YES!!! 7.

KYLIE Go Scott! LUKE Unreal! Kylie and Luke excitedly start to copy Scott’s steps. SHIRLEY (to Kylie and Luke) Stop that you two! ALL JESUS CHRIST IS HE OUT OF HIS MIND HE JUST IMPROVISED SCOTT I IMPROVISED ALL HE IMPROVISED

SCOTT I IMPROVISED ALL

RIGHT IN FRONT OF BARRY FIFE

HAIL THE PRESIDENT, BARRY FIFE OUR BENEVOLENT PRESIDENT

BARRY FIFE I’M FEDERATION PRESIDENT FIFE THE KEEPER OF KEYS COLLECTOR OF FEES THE RULER OF RULES THE GIVER OF LIFE IMPROVISATION’S A GRAVE AND A HEINOUS SIN (IT’S A SIN IT’S A TERRIBLE SIN) (IT’S A HORRIBLE TERRIBLE SIN) YOU CAN DANCE ANY STEPS THAT YOU LIKE BUT YOU’RESample. NOT GONNA WIN Do not Copy. ALL

NOT GONNA WIN 8.

ALL THIS ISN’T DANCE THIS IS ALL-OUT WAR! THIS ISN'T DANCE THIS ISN'T DANCE THIS IS ALL OUT WAR IT'S ALL OUT WAR IT'S ALL OUT, ALL OUT BARRY What a wonderful evening. As you know; the Federation salutes all levels of ability and aspiration. However on this occasion we have to draw the line. So I have to announce that during the Samba, competitors, Scott Hastings and Elizabeth Holt...Were sadly disqualified. SHIRLEY Oh Les did I do something wrong? Did I fail him as a mother? LIZ I'm never dancing with you again BARRY Envelope.... And so the winners of the Waratah Regional Championships are, Ken Railings and Pam Short

Musical Sting. All-conquering Ken receives the trophy...

JJ SILVERS (CONT’D) Ken and Pam are “Southern Star inter regional New Vogue title holders... (JJ is fading out) “Tulip time Central districts, city and country inaugural... Fran, a pimple-faced, fuzzy-haired beginner who dances without a partner steps forward and addresses the audience. FRAN (TO THE AUDIENCE) Oh,Sample. who me JJ? Hi, I’m Do Fran - notI’ve only Copy. been dancing for 2 years so I haven’t got a partner yet - but I thought what Scott and Liz danced was wonderful. I thought they should have...

Scott turns to a devastated Liz. SCOTT Liz I... 9.

LIZ Shut up! I meant it, alright. I’m not dancing with you until you dance like you’re supposed to! As Liz storms off... FRAN Hi Liz, I thought you should have... LIZ Out of the way Frangipan del a squeegy-mop! A devastated Liz, pushes past Fran. Scott is left alone on stage. Confused, troubled, he murmurs to himself... SCOTT SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED OUT THERE ON THE FLOOR IT WAS BLISS IN THE MIDST OF A BALLROOM DANCE BRAWL I NEVER FELT SO ELECTRIC BEFORE CROSSED A LINE, BUT IT'S MINE. HOW CAN I EVER GO BACK

Fran watches unseen from the shadows as he sings... TBD from Eddie. KENDALL'S STUDIO

It's late afternoon and Fran practices a daggy version of Scott's steps in the studio mirror. Eventually she is interrupted by Shirley - who stops, looks at her oddly

SHIRLEY What are you doing, Fran? FRAN Sample.(guilty, caughtDo out) not Copy. Um - nothing Mrs Hastings. SHIRLEY Have you finished waxing the floor? FRAN Nearly... 10.

Shirley suddenly peers at Fran’s face. SHIRLEY Oh, Franny, what an eruption! Have you run out of the Newtra face Apricot Scrub? FRAN Almost... SHIRLEY (firmly) I’ll bring you some in with the toner; it's a dollar dazzler special this week! FRAN Thanks Mrs Hastings, can I just say, about what Scott danced...? SHIRLEY (interrupting with an artificial smile) I’m not going to let that worry me, Fran; I’ve got my happy face on today. FRAN But I thought... But Shirley is not interested SHIRLEY Go and wash the coffee cups, there’s a dear! As Les enters with a gloomy look, Shirley goes to him. SHIRLEY (CONT’D) (fearfully) Well? LES I spoke to Barry Fife. SHIRLEY And? LES ... He will lift the disqualification! SHIRLEY Oh,Sample. Lessie! Do not Copy. LES And Kendall’s will not be banned from future competitions! SHIRLEY Oh, thank heavens! Scott! 11.

LES When Les Kendall speaks; Barry Fife listens. SHIRLEY (CONT’D) Did you make a donation? LES Three hundred dollars. I'm opening up. SHIRLEY Scott! Les opens the door and dancers file in. Wayne is second through the door. They get changed ready for class. Scott appears from another direction. SCOTT Yeah? SHIRLEY Les has spoken to President Fife; you're going to dance at the Pan Pacifics! SCOTT (sincere, relieved) Thanks Les. SHIRLEY Remember, as soon as Lizzy arrives, you will apologise. Scott doesn’t love the idea of this, but he is determined to get back on track to Ballroom super- stardom SCOTT Sure mum, Can't wait. SHIRLEY That poor little girl...

Scott goes into the change-room or perhaps just takes a seat next to Wayne to change his shoes Sample.WAYNE Do not Copy. Hey, Scotty. SCOTT Hey Wayne. Wayne can’t help enjoy his friend’s predicament - he chuckles. 12.

WAYNE Vanessa says Liz is, gonna make you, crawl so bad. SCOTT Yeah, yeah... WAYNE Where the hell did those steps even come from? SCOTT I don’t know - I just... made them up. WAYNE Made them up...? Wayne snorts and rolls his eyes - it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. WAYNE (CONT’D) (affectionately) You always were a bit of a weirdo. A moment - Scott can’t help voicing the thing that has been bugging him since the Waratah’s. SCOTT Did you... like it? WAYNE (mystified) What? SCOTT Did you like what I danced? WAYNE What’s liking got to do with it? You didn't win. SCOTT I know; but did you like it? WAYNE It doesn't matter what I like; I'm not a judge. SCOTT Sample.(insistent) Do not Copy. I just want to know what you thought... WAYNE (forcefully cutting him off) Mate! Drop it and go back to winning. And don’t forget - after class you’re helping Vanessa and me with the Bogo Pogo. 13.

Before Scott can reply, Les and Shirley begin the dance class. LES Okay, let’s get started. SHIRLEY Partners, everybody. Partners! LES Take your positions for the tango. SHIRLEY AND 1-2-3-4-1! THE TANGO IS THE DANCE OF FIRE AND PASSION LES Arms, Clarry! SHIRLEY YOU SHOULD FEEL THE BURN IN YOUR SUBURBAN SOUL LES Arms! SHIRLEY WHEN COUPLES ARE IN SYNC NEITHER ONE OF THEM SHOULD THINK LES Arms SHIRLEY THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD SHRINK INTO ONE WHOLE LES Jesus! Clarry! Arms! SHIRLEY THERE’S NO ‘I’ IN ‘TEAM’ TWO PEOPLE. ONE DREAM YES LOYALTY’S KEY SO YOU’VE GOT TO BE BOTH YINSample. AND YANG, SO Do not Copy. LES/SHIRLEY IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

TANGOS TAKE TWO SHIRLEY IT TAKES ME! 14.

LES IT TAKES YOU! BOTH NO GREAT MYSTERY THAT’S HOW WE’VE DANCED

SHIRLEY ONE IN FROCKS

LES ONE IN PANTS BOTH THROUGHOUT HISTORY TWO PEOPLE BLENDED AS NATURE INTENDED TOGETHER LIKE WHIPPED CREAM AND MANGO DANCE IT LIKE YOU’RE S’POSED TO DO DON’T YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO...

VANESSA She’s coming! As Vanessa darts back out the doorway, Les and Shirley are immediately alert, eyes trained on the doorway. SHIRLEY Scott! LES Liz is coming! SCOTT What? Suddenly Liz makes a dramatic entrance! SHIRLEY LIZ! THERE YOU ARE! OH LIZZY!Sample. Do not Copy. LIZ DON’T YOU “LIZZY” ME WHERE IS HE?

SHIRLEY SORRY. I’LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY SCOTT HAVEN’T YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY? 15.

LIZ I’m waiting... SHIRLEY/LES (a forced whisper) Scott! Scott! With a long-suffering expression, Scott goes to her. All eyes now upon him - a moment, and then. SCOTT Hi Liz. You look... nice. LIZ Get on with it. SCOTT I’m... sorry. Liz makes a ‘give me more’ hand gesture. SCOTT (CONT’D) (through gritted teeth) I’m... really, really sorry. LIZ (pointedly) And? SCOTT (struggling to stay calm) And... I won’t do it again. ALL Sigh! LIZ Because...? SCOTT Because... - because I should have known that you wouldn’t be able to follow me; SHIRLEY Scott! inSample. future I will dance Do down to not your in- Copy. ability.(drum beat stops) There is an audible gasp of horror from the studio. LIZ What!? 16.

SHIRLEY Oh my God! SCOTT (CONT’D) It’s fine, I’ve always had to hold myself back for you...I’m used to it. LIZ You are so up yourself...! SHIRLEY Stops this you two. Liz, furious, turns to a mortified Shirley and Les. LIZ You've got ten minutes to get him to pull his head, out of his arse, or I am leaving this studio!!! She turns on her heel and stalks into the changeroom as she screams: LIZ (CONT’D) VANESSA!!! As Vanessa hurries after Liz, she throws back to Scott. VANESSA Now you’ve done it! WAYNE Geez mate, have you lost the plot? VANESSA (disappearing into the changeroom) Don’t talk to him, Wayne! LES Tango please! (a harsh whisper) ) Doug; put the bloody record on. Doug drops the needle. MUSIC: TWO TO TANGO! Sample. DoDramatic not Argentinian Copy. tango music roars to life as Shirley and Les lead the dance.

SHIRLEY (fighting rising panic) Stay calm Les, stay calm. Doug! TALK TO HIM, QUICK! 17.

She motions Doug towards Scott. DOUG Mind if I bend your ear for a tick? SCOTT Not now... SHIRLEY Don't speak to your father like that! LES BOY, IT'S TIME YOU AND I HAD A CHAT! Les arrests Scott mid-stride and pulls him savagely into dance position. They tango. LES (CONT’D) SCOTT, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE SCOTT WHAT'S WRONG WITH HOW I DANCED? LES WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? THE QUESTION IS WHAT'S RIGHT?! SHIRLEY ARMS! LES CROWD-PLEASING FLASHY STEPS SHODDY FLOORCRAFT SHIRLEY LENGTHEN NECK! LES YOU COULD DRIVE A BLOODY TRUCK BETWEEN HER LEFT HAND AND YOUR RIGHT SHIRLEY FOCUS, FRANNY, FOCUS!

LES TECHNICALLY YOU'RE Sample.ALL OUT AT SEA Do not Copy. TO WIN THE GRAND PRIX A DANCER MUST BE THE WHOLE DAMN SHEBANG, SO IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO! SHIRLEY Fran; go and fetch Liz from the changing room, there's a dear. 18.

FRAN Yes Mrs Hastings. Liz, are you decent? Mrs Hastings would like a w... Liz bursts from the changing room slamming Fran against the wall. She confronts Scott. LIZ Well, have you made up your mind? LES You've got a light in you boy; let it shine. To a powerful orchestral flourish, Scott snaps both arms into El Guapo position. A lock, a whisk, Liz and Scott sweep onto the floor. The studio breathe a sigh of relief as they dance. They applaud. LIZ I knew you'd come to your senses. But that pushes Scott's button; he stops, then suddenly throws in a combination of his own steps! The studio gasps. The music crescendos and he stops in a dynamic pose. LIZ (CONT’D) NO!!! I don't want this! I don’t want this! SCOTT Then what do you want? LIZ What do I want? What do I want? I'll tell you what I want. I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now and say "Pam Short's broken both her legs and I wanna dance with you." Ken Railings enters to a huge Sample. DoTango Orchestralnot Copy. Flourish! KEN Pam Short's broken both her legs and I want to dance with you.

KYLIE Well, that was unexpected! 19.

KEN TANGOS TAKE TWO YOU'VE GOT ME LIZ I'VE GOT YOU! KEN NO MORE DRAMA! LIZ This is like a fairy-tale! KEN LIZ BRING YOUR FRIENDS LET'S GO PARTY AT KEN'S HOT-TUB-ARAMA! LIZ Oh you terrible man KEN FROM CHA CHA TO SAMBA LIZ MERENGUE AND RHUMBA KEN/LIZ THE SALSA, LAMBADA AND MAMBO NOTHING FANCY NOTHING NEW TRADITION'S LIKE A KIND OF GLUE JUST DANCE IT LIKE YOU'RE S'POSED TO DO DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO! To the final strains of TWO TO TANGO the entire cast pick up their things and depart after Liz and Ken in a celebratory mood. KEN Right lets go celebrate. Ken's going to open up his show room LIZ Oh I love it when you talk about yourself in thirdSample. person. Do not Copy. SHIRLEY Liz; you can't just walk out on us. Liz! We're family. Look; one big happy... (to Clary) Where are you going? Wayne? Wayne, is suddenly embarrassed. 20.

WAYNE Um... hot tub...? SHIRLEY Noooooooo! And they've gone. SONG ENDS. Shirley’s facade crumbles; she stands there sobbing. Les takes her gently by the shoulders. LES There, there, Shirley. Where's that happy face?

(Shirley sobs into Les's chest) Don't worry Shirley- we'll find Scott a new partner. SHIRLEY (through tears) Oh Lessie, he's my only son. LES I know love, we'll start tryouts tomorrow. Drive her home will you Doug DOUG (strangely without emotion) I would Les, but the car's crook SHIRLEY Oh he's useless LES Come on I'll drop you all DOUG Son, can I bend your ear for a tick? SHIRLEY Doug DOUG I want you to know Scott, SHIRLEY Douglas!Sample. Do not Copy. DOUG We"ll talk soon

SCOTT Thanks Dad