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How Gender, Pleasure, and Social Norms Produce A “Just Finish Already”: How the Grey Area of Sexual Consent Highlights Inequalities Inherent in Heterosexual Pleasure Shannon Russell-Miller A thesis submitted to the University of Ottawa in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Doctorate of Philosophy in Sociology School of Sociological and Anthropological Studies Faculty of Social Sciences University of Ottawa Ottawa, Ontario © Shannon Russell-Miller, Ottawa, Canada, 2020 Abstract This qualitative study examines young adults’ expectations and experiences of consent and pleasure which result in a grey area. Based on focus groups and one-on-one interviews with 18 to 25-year-old women and men, I explore various experiences of consensual sex ranging from clearly consensual and pleasurable, consensual yet mediocre experiences, and those which reflect a grey area of consent. Whereas best and simply mediocre sex are characterized by clear feelings of consent, the grey area involves sex that is felt as less than fully consensual but not quite as sexual assault. I apply theories of expectation states, compulsory heterosexuality, and sexual script theories to the findings of this research to argue that adherence to traditional gender norms of heterosexual behaviour lead to greater social importance given to men’s needs for sexual pleasure. These inequalities and expectations surrounding sexual behaviour lead to feeling constrained in one’s ability to negotiate and interpret feelings of desire and consent, resulting in a grey area. ii Table of Contents Abstract ........................................................................................................................................... ii Acknowledgements and dedications .............................................................................................. vi List of Tables ................................................................................................................................ vii List of Figures ............................................................................................................................... vii Chapter 1: Introduction ................................................................................................................... 1 Consent and sexual assault ...................................................................................................... 3 Shifts in the perceptions of sexual behaviours ............................................................................ 8 Date rape, hookups, and rape culture: where are we now? ................................................... 23 The sociology of sex ................................................................................................................. 26 Dissertation outline ................................................................................................................... 28 Chapter 2: Review of the Literature .............................................................................................. 31 Introduction ............................................................................................................................... 31 Defining sex .............................................................................................................................. 36 Unwanted sexual experiences ................................................................................................... 40 Alcohol consumption ............................................................................................................. 46 Hookups, relationships, and consent ..................................................................................... 48 Attachment style .................................................................................................................... 55 Pleasure ..................................................................................................................................... 56 Sexual regret .............................................................................................................................. 61 Communication styles and sexual scripts ................................................................................. 64 Conclusion ................................................................................................................................. 67 Chapter 3: Theory ......................................................................................................................... 69 Gender and expectations: theories informing the grey area ...................................................... 72 Compulsory heterosexuality .................................................................................................. 82 Chapter 4: Methodology ............................................................................................................... 88 Focus groups ............................................................................................................................. 91 Interviews .................................................................................................................................. 93 Researcher considerations ......................................................................................................... 95 Ethics ......................................................................................................................................... 97 Sample design and recruitment ................................................................................................. 98 Sample demographics ............................................................................................................. 101 Analysis ................................................................................................................................... 104 iii Chapter 5: Definitions and discussion of sex, consent, and education ....................................... 108 Defining sex ............................................................................................................................ 108 (Lack of) education – formal and informal learning about sex and consent ........................... 113 The implicit progression of sex ............................................................................................... 118 Relationship type and the communication of consent ......................................................... 122 Discussion ............................................................................................................................... 127 Chapter 6: Clearly consensual? Implicit consent and best sexual experiences .......................... 133 Contexts of best sexual experiences ........................................................................................ 134 What made it consensual? ....................................................................................................... 135 Body language and the “natural progression” of sex .......................................................... 137 Pleasure ................................................................................................................................... 142 Relationships versus hookups .............................................................................................. 146 Discussion ............................................................................................................................... 150 Chapter 7: Consensual but mediocre – when sex just isn’t working out .................................... 155 Alcohol .................................................................................................................................... 159 Lack of connection – it’s just “not good” ............................................................................... 163 Hookups ............................................................................................................................... 166 Socialization of sexual pleasure .............................................................................................. 169 Expectations and let downs ................................................................................................. 172 Discussion ............................................................................................................................... 175 Chapter 8: Grey area sexual experiences .................................................................................... 180 Relationships and consent ....................................................................................................... 181 Silence and the grey area ......................................................................................................... 189 Pleasure and feeling used ........................................................................................................ 194 Discussion ............................................................................................................................... 201 Chapter 9: Conclusion................................................................................................................. 207 Theoretical contribution .......................................................................................................... 213 Research impacts ................................................................................................................. 219 Limitations and future research
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