The nominations are in. Find Fashion out who’s making waves on the Haute cowture Cambridge scene in this year’s >> Page 16 Oliver Wyman Varsity 100

Issue No 670 Friday Feb 1 2008 varsity.co.uk

e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 From Ukraine with love » ‘Criminal’ Ukrainian donations funding language tuition at Cambridge Slavonic Studies Centre

Richard Power Sayeed News Editor Language courses at Cambridge are being funded by a central-Asian gas trader described as “criminal” by Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. RosUkrEnergo, a Gas pipelines in gas trader which owns the export Ukraine and (inset) monopoly on Russian, Uzbek and Mogilevich, the Turkmen gas fl owing into Ukraine, man who allegedly is jointly owned by Gazprom, a com- controls them pany with strong links to the Rus- sian state, and billionaire Ukrainian businessman Dmytro Firtash. Mr Firtash has been funding Ukrainian language courses at the Department of Slavonic Studies since the beginning of the academic year. The company he jointly owns, RosUkrEnergo, is widely viewed as gradually exposing Ukraine to uncontrolled energy markets, after years of subsidisation by Russia. Many in Ukraine and elsewhere be- lieve that RosUkrEnergo is linked to the Kremlin and to organized crime. Through his DF Foundation, Mr Firtash has funded the continuation of the course since the beginning of the academic year. The course had been running for several years, funded by external donations, but Mr Firtash’s donation, which was a matter of thousands, has made ex- tension of provision possible. Only the origins of much larger fi nancial gifts are regularly examined by the University. Professor Simon Frank- hope that the donor would not re- using it to launder money. An inquiry told Varsity that it was more likely metics giant owned by the man with lin, head of the Department of Sla- main anonymous, and told Varsity that he ran into Mogilevich’s links to that this arrest “relates more closely whom Mogilevich was arrested last vonic Studies, argued that Ukraine’s that “this is part of a wider attempt RosUkrEnergo whilst chairman of to political dealings in Moscow”, and week. robust political life is “in itself not to further educate about Ukraine. the Ukrainian Security Service was suggested that Prime Minister Ty- Prof Franklin also dismissed such a matter for the University.” Prof For instance we’re running a Public not completed after he left the post. moshenko, a vocal critic of the Krem- links as “a lot of swirling rumour”, and Franklin was adamant, however, Lecture on contemporary Ukrain- Stanislav Belkovsky, previously a lin, did not have suffi cient leverage told Varsity that he was “comfort- that he “would not want to receive ian nationalism at Robinson on the political aide to Prime Minister Ty- to demand Mogilevich’s arrest. able about every penny that we’ve funding from unethical sources” or if 22nd”. moshenko, told the Financial Times There has been much specula- received.” He said that though he “I thought that anyone was damag- Mr Firtash has also been linked that Tymoshenko had been putting tion, however, after it emerged that was “very well aware of rumours re- ing the interests of Ukraine.” to infamous international gangster pressure on the Kremlin over RosU- Zeev Gordon, an Israeli lawyer who garding DF”, he didn’t want to speak Franklin said he believed it was in Semyon Mogilevich, whose arrest krEnergo, and the “real reason” Mr has represented Mogilevich in the about the company. However, he told the “interests both of the UK and of in Moscow was announced last Fri- Mogilevich had been arrested now, past, previously worked for Firtash Varsity that Mr Firtash was increas- Ukraine that there should be people day. Mogilevich, who has a degree in after living openly in Moscow for in 2003 when he helped him set up ingly operating in the legal and geo- in this country who are capable of Economics, is known as “the Brainy several years, was his connections EuralTransGas, which preceded graphical context of the EU, and that studying and interpreting Ukraine Don”, and was described by the Brit- to gas trading. Mogilevich, whose RosUkrEnergo as Central Asian oil he was “delighted, if the university in the depth that it deserves”. Such ish authorities as “one of the world’s money-laundering resulted in the trader, and was led by very similar can satisfy itself through its normal study “just doesn’t exist in this top criminals”. collapse of one of Russia’s largest management. Gordon insists that procedures”. Franklin applauded country” and “is not going to be In Ukraine many have alleged private banks, and who apparently this does not indicate any links be- the fact that philanthropy is “begin- supported internally”. Earlier this that RosUkrEnergo is linked to offered to sell Osama bin Laden tween Mogilevich and Firtash. ning to enter the mindset of people month, Slavonic Studies announced Vladmir Putin and to organized enriched uranium, has been on the Robert Shetler-Jones, Firtash’s DF who have been successful in East- the creation of a fi ve-year tempo- crime. First deputy prime minister, FBI’s most wanted list since 2003. Group’s British chief executive, also ern Europe in the last fi fteen years, rary lectureship in Ukrainian Stud- Oleksandr Turchynov, has claimed But Anthony Fisher, President of denies any links between Mogilevich and extending beyond investment in ies, funded by an anonymous dona- that Mogilevich had a business stake The EU-Ukraine Business Council, and Firtash, or that Firtash has a football clubs.” tion of £500,000. Franklin expressed in RosUkrEnergo or was fi nancial interest in Arbat, a cos- Debate Face Off Interview Barack Obama versus Emma take on Tit Hall John Humphreys gets shirty when the Hillary Clinton in the beauty showdown tables are turned and he’s in the hotseat » Page 9 » Page 15 » Page 14 News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed, and Isabel Shapiro Friday February 1 2008 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

In Brief

Cambridge bursaries on Knicker-thief nicked the rise » Trinity Hall intruder jailed for 30 months at Cambridge Crown Court The Offi ce for Fair Access has pub- lished a report on universities’ bur- Isabel Shapiro start a new life as a car washer in a saries schemes, the fi rst since top- supermarket car park. up fees were introduced. Although News Editor Julia Tilley, who felt “violated and there has been an increase in the disturbed” when her room was ran- monetary value of bursaries at A man has been sentenced to 30 sacked, attended the trial. Assisted Cambridge, from 2008/9 the upper months imprisonment after being by a translator and with his family limit at which students from low found guilty of two counts of bur- watching from the public gallery, Mr income homes are entitled to a full glary at Trinity Hall’s student accom- Jakusz pleaded guilty to two charges Cambridge Bursary will be raised modation last term. of burglary, which included the theft from £18,000 to £25,000. Above Mr Arkadisz Jakusz, a nineteen- of suitcases, female underwear and that, bursaries will be offered on a year-old Polish man, was linked to swimwear. Despite there being no tapered basis, up to £60,000. the Trinity Hall break-in after being jury present at the trial, Mr Jakusz Katherine Sirrell arrested for sexually inappropriate and his solicitor asked to bring for- behaviour at a Cambridge night- ward the sentencing, which allowed Debt double whammy club in December. His fi ngerprints a verdict to be reached the same day. matched those found at Bishop Bate- “It was really weird to hear the In the same year that the interest man’s Court after the intrusion in judge talking about my knickers and rate on student loans has doubled, November when police conducted to hear the intruder’s voice. I’m glad plans have been made to include forensic tests. to see that justice has been done, student loan data on credit fi les, During the break-in, two students but I feel sorry for the man; he’s so leading graduates to fear their were attacked while asleep in their young and he’d only been in England chances of getting on the property beds, and one unoccupied room was a few months,” said Tilley, who was ladder will be jeopardized. With ransacked. In their report to police, unsettled but relieved by the trial’s Victims Julia Tilley the interest rate having gone up students described Mr Jakusz’s er- outcome. However, there is consid- and Tom Cheshire from 2.4% to 4.8% this year, stu- ratic behaviour, including his alleged outside Bishop Bate- dents are increasingly complain- throttling of two students and theft man’s Court, where ing that they have been misled of underwear from a girl’s room. Mr the incident took over student loans. The new Jakusz has claimed not to remember Students have place plans propose to include details the incident owing to his excessive of missed loan payments on credit consumption of alcohol that evening. nicknamed Mr fi les which could lead to even more Following a hearing at the Mag- Jakusz ‘the throttler’ fi rst-time buyers being turned istrate’s Court in December, Jakusz But a spokesperson at The Crown Trinity Hall did not wish to make any down for mortgages. was remanded in custody and com- Prosecution Service (CPS) assured further statement on the develop- Clementine Dowley mitted for trial to Cambridge Crown Varsity that “The correct charge has ment of the case, but reiterated that Court where he appeared last Friday. erable consternation among students been made”. The CPS explained that the additional safety measures that A source has suggested to Varsity as to why the charges did not take a charge of burglary would have tak- had been promised for the Bishop Altercation at the Union that this process may have been pro- into account Mr Jakusz’s physical as- en into account the presence of vic- Bateman’s Court accommodation longed as he was being investigated saults. tims and the trauma they suffered. had been put in place. “Everything It has been alleged that the Cam- in connection with a number of other “It was defi nitely more than just A source has suggested to Varsity we said we’d do, we’ve acted upon” bridge Union’s Secretary Vice incidents. It was confi rmed during burglary, he throttled me,” said Tom that further charges may not have he said. Security cameras and lights President (SVP) punched the the trial that Mr Jakusz has previ- Cheshire, who claims to have woken been pressed due to the negative have recently been installed, allow- former President during a mem- ously been sentenced in Poland but with the intruder’s hands around his identifi cation of Mr Jakusz by one of ing students to sleep soundly in the bers’ business meeting on Mon- the details of the crime are unknown. neck. Mr Jakusz has since been nick- the assaulted students in an identity knowledge that everything possible day. James Robinson, Union SVP Mr Jakusz only left Poland three named “The Throttler” by students parade last month. has been done to ensure the future is purported to have raised his months ago, moving to Cambridge to involved in the incident last year. Dr Nick Bampos, Senior Tutor at security of the building. fi st in anger and punched former Union chief Ali Al-Ansari in out- rage at his resignation. A Union spokesperson confi rmed “Dur- ing a members’ business meeting this afternoon a brief altercation occurred between the Vice Presi- dent and a former President of the Union based on a disputed claim. The Vice-President left the cham- ber and business resumed”. Katherine Sirrell

Lost for words Cambridge’s very own chatterbox pet parrot Harley has been trau- matised by his experience when he was let loose in the British wil- derness. Harley escaped his own- er’s house through an open door and after spending four days in the wild has lost his voice. Prior to the incident he could recite his tel- ephone number and call his own- ers ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’. His owners blame wild bird bullies for trigger- ing the trauma by not letting the parrot share their food. Clementine Dowley

52 Trumpington Street Cambridge CB2 1RG

FREE CHELSEA BUN With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop OR FREE MORNING Intrepid pair reach Warsaw in sponsored RAG event COFFEE/TEA Last weekend, 44 pairs of intrepid Cambridge students took part in the RAG Jailbreak, a charity event sponsored by KPMG. Students blagged, (9am-12pm) With any cake or pastry in the restaurant hitchiked and fl irted their way as far from Cambridge as possible in 36 hours. Penniless but enterprising jail breakers scaled the breadth of Eu- rope, reaching as far as Warsaw, Madrid, Tarifa and Budapest. Last year the RAG Jailbreak helped raise over £150,000 for over 80 local, national on presentation of this voucher and international charities. and proof of student status Isabel Shapiro Friday February 1 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 3

Tarique Akhtar, who posed as a Trinity student for almost one year » Trinity Porters apprehend a man who has been posing as a student for almost Imposter apprehended after year-long deceit  » Bogus mathmo banned from Trinity College     » Imposter made advances on numerous girls       Clementine Dowley iour. One female undergraduate at days. After his apprehension by Trinity claims he passed her a note porters, Akhtar changed his status    News Editor in the library which read: “I’m re- to: “Tarique has started campaign- ally sorry but I can’t stop staring ing against misbehaving porters”  A man who has been posing as a at you. Bless you.” Another female and created a Facebook group with  student of Trinity College for al- student reports receiving Facebook this aim in mind. “I fi nd the behav-   most a year has been apprehended messages from him which said: iour of porters hostile if not offen-  by porters. “Hey, it’s great to see somebody in a sive. They behave like they are  The young man, who goes by the good shape, bless you.” The student some kind of guardian of a great   name of Tarique Akhtar, was ap- told Varsity: “I didn’t reply. I have treasure and you are a thief who is 
 proached by porters in the College no idea how he knows what college determined to steal it. Go to Stan-  library after complaints were made I’m at.” A fourth year engineer re- ford and tell them at the front door 

 by genuine students. When asked ported a similar experience: “Once, that you want to visit the campus 

 for identifi cation, he was unable to in the computer room, he started and they will send a lovely golf cart produce anything other than an- telling my friend how diffi cult he to collect you. Go to Cambridge 

 other student’s buttery card. He has found being at Trinity because there and tell them you want to go to 
 since been banned from the College. were so many beautiful girls there. the college [and] they will bug you.   While masquerading as a student He was really weird,” she said. Its [sic] time to stand for change -  at the College, Akhtar was alleg- please lend your hands.” But yes- edly involved in a series of incidents terday his status read: “Tarique is including faking his identity, illegal- sorry about everything and thinks ly accessing a student’s computer “He is not a member that the last two days were really account, and unauthorised use of meaningful and blessed.” College facilities. A fourth-year En- of the College and The fact that the imposter has gineer claimed to have seen Akhtar has been asked not remained undiscovered for almost a in the graduate common room. She year has prompted fears over the ef-  said: “There’s a kitchen downstairs to enter it again.” fi ciency of security measures in place   and we were all cooking a meal. He at the College. Tobias Vernon, a fi rst  just sat on the sofa, watching us, for year at Trinity, said: “It’s worrying  about two hours.” that a man can survive posing as a  Blog entries entitled “Life in Very little is known about the im- student unnoticed for so long. Now  the University” and dating from poster. His Facebook profi le states: I have no confi dence about who here  May 2007 suggest that Akhtar has “This is Tarique Akhtar from Gitx- is an imposter and who is an actual been masquerading as a student for aala Nation, born in North India to student.” Although Porters refused some time. In an entry dated 8 No- my mama Rashda. Youngest in fam- to comment on College security, Dr Advertisement vember 2007, Akhtar wrote: “It’s ily of 6, but I moved to United States Pollen said: “In any action that we been a little over six months since just in time for warm weather and a have taken, the College’s primary I got to England and the fi rst term power crisis... I am happily unmar- concern has been to safeguard the is half way over.” His blogs also ried to none. Currently working safety and welfare of students.” display a detailed knowledge of life with Nasa-MIT-Cambridge-Lan- College offi cials are now on the “People who settle their disputes as a student at Cambridge: Akhtar gley 2015 moon probe.” He claims lookout for Akhtar. The Senior Tu- claims to have been to “many su- to have “attended Harvard and tor, Professor John Rallison, said: with fists rather than words have pervisions” and to be enjoying the Radcliffe before coming to Cam- “He is not a member of the College “lecture course format” of the Cam- bridge.” But in a blog entry dated and has been asked not to enter it bridge system. April 9, 2007, Akhtar writes: “One again.” However, Akhtar has re- no place in the Union.” But according to Dr Rob Pollen, question that people always ask me portedly been sighted there in the Junior Bursar at Trinity, “there is, ‘Tarique, are you an international last few days. Second-year Trinity Former Union President Michael Jacobson, is no record of any student called student?’ Sometimes I say yes, and student Beatrice Perry toldVarsity Tarique Akhtar ever having stud- other times I say no. To be honest, I that she saw Akhtar as recently “Shamed VP in Union brawl row” ied at Trinity.” don’t really know myself.” as yesterday. “He was walking up See front-page article in yesterday’s TCS newspaper. Porters were alerted after re- Akhtar has been using Facebook King’s Parade in the direction of ports of Akhtar’s lecherous behav- to document the events of recent Trinity”. make cambridge your catwalk...

CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY2008 ANNUAL FASHION SHOW 19th June - Cambridge Corn Exchange Introductory Meeting for all interested students Friday 8 Feb. 1800 Grad Union Hosted by Cambridge Annual Fashion Show Society www.camfashion.co.uk

How do you solve a problem like the Union? President’s Committee Are you a member of the Union? Do you like coming to events? Do you want to get involved?

President’s Committee is a place to comment on the week past and the week ahead, make suggestions and help with the running of the Union. Drinks vouchers given out in exchange for distributing posters to your college. It’s a great way to get involved, meet new people and make the society a better place.

President’s Committee is every Friday at 5:15pm in the Dining Room Reform. Renew. Reunion. Friday February 1 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 5 Post-coital controversy » CUSU President targeted by radicals after international coverage of the Varsity Sex Survey

Karolina Saar and The Cambridge News. In re- sponse to the finding that 60% of students admitted to never having been tested for sexually transmit- CUSU President Mark Fletcher ted diseases, The Daily Telegraph has received hate mail because of expressed concern over the safety his response to Varsity’s survey of sex among the University’s stu- of the sex lives of Cambridge stu- dents and drew attention to ru- dents. mours of high levels of prostitution Fletcher, whose comments on the amongst Cambridge students. In survey’s findings printed alongside coverage by The Daily Mail, Cam- statistics in last week’s Varsity bridge has been branded “The Uni- were quoted by Fox News, has versity of the Blindingly Obvious”. since been bombarded with verbal The newspaper seemed distinctly abuse from American readers of- unimpressed by Varsity’s findings. fended by his failure to condemn “It’s another piece of research that student promiscuity. makes you wonder why they both- In response to the survey’s dis- ered - apparently students who covery that mathematicians are have the most sex get the worst the least sexually active group, Fletcher commented, “it’s obvious mathematicians haven’t found the winning formula yet.” On being “it’s attitudes like told that medics were the most pro- miscuous group, he said, “it’s good yours that are to see that ‘Doctors and Nurses’ is still a popular game.” Both these literally KILLING our comments were printed in the sur- vey’s accompanying article. One young people” critic condemned Fletcher’s atti- tude as “very immature and irre- sponsible.” Another letter-writer, appalled by Fletcher’s failure to ex- results. Watch out for more news press disapproval at the “immoral from the University of the Blind- conduct” discovered by the survey, ingly Obvious in future editions of told him: “It’s attitudes such as the Daily Mail”. yours that are literally KILLING The findings of the investigation our young people.” Nancy McInnes have also fuelled rivalry between told Fletcher to “grow up and have different student communities in some self respect.” She also recom- Cambridge. One student of Social mended that he look to “Christ’s and Political Sciences (SPS), the teachings” in order to do so. subject ranked second in terms of Fletcher expressed surprise at sexual experience with an average the comments, and told Varsity: of seven sexual partners, told Var- “My general reaction is that the sity “The common view is that SPS survey was meant to be light-heart- is an easy subject, and consequent- ed. It wasn’t scientific or thorough, ly, we have more time to go out, flirt it was meant as a fun read for Cam- and get laid. But I disagree – med- bridge students. My comments re- ics came top, and they work harder flected this. As for the people who than anyone. We’re just hot.” In re- sent me the letters, I’d really urge sponse to finding himself a student them to read the whole story be- of the subject shown to have the fore commenting in the future.” greatest number of virgins, a first The survey published by Varsity year mathematician at Girton told last week has received widespread Varsity “To be fair I think most coverage in the national press. male mathmos would probably run Its findings were reported in The away if they so much as sighted a Daily Telegraph, The Daily Mail girl on the horizon”. The hate mail Advertisement >> After his seemingly innocuous comments, the CUSU President received a torrent of angry emails from the religious right in America NO to physical violence. Mr Fletcher, NO to intimidation. I just read your comments praising themed students for their immoral conduct and laughing about the math students who have not yet found the winning formula. It seems you very forgot to observe the findings of the study. Didn’t it say that students with multiple partners have poorer grades? And isn’t health care in a crisis in your country? Now it would seem a thinking individual would understand the connection that it is im- perative our medical professionals have the best educational background possible. Obviously your presence at Cambridge is not because you are a thinking individual, but because you hooked onto privilege and got in over other more deserving individuals who display good judgement and intelligence. People like you mock Vote NO for the ratification of morality and think its cute to do poorly in school. One day when you may be in an emergency or have a de- bilitating disease, you’ll be the one to whine and cry your care isn’t up to your expectations. You can’t have it James Robinson to the both ways, Mark. Laugh now. But people like you are the ones who are always the biggest complainers. Your 15 seconds of fame now hangs across your mocking face as a mask of shame. Constitutional Committee. Mike Shields, St. Paul, Minnesota

Mr Fletcher, How sad that you opened your mouth and showed your ignorance. If you think many sexual partners is good Vote NO between 10am and for any kid (and you ARE still a kid), you had better check the stats on pesky sexually transmitted disease, HIV, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, neglect by sexual partners, lonliness caused by the neglect, feelings of being used (especially w/ regard to females), etc. And your quick wit did not make you sound bright or funny; rather, it made 7pm this Saturday at the you (a representative of our young people) sound very immature and irresponsible. Grow up, Mr. Fletcher, and have some self respect. You may attend a very good university (I did as well), but you have MUCH to learn! It’s Cambridge Union. attitudes such as yours that are literally KILLING our young people. I realize Christ’s teachings aren’t considered ‘progessive’ in your idealistic world, but they have proven true time and time again.

Nancy McInnes See the front-page article in yesterday’s TCS newspaper. News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power Sayeed and Isabel Shapiro Friday February 1 2008 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Union hosts Holocaust Memorial event

recent testimonies are so vital in Katherine Sirrell commemorating the past atrocities: Senior Reporter “The Holocaust was a defi ning mo- ment of the twentieth century. Trag- The Cambridge Union Society host- ically, it was not an isolated incident ed a Holocaust Memorial event last and even now in Darfur people are week to mark the anniversary of the being persecuted and killed on the liberation of Auschwitz. basis of their ethnicity. Humanity The event featured speeches from must work to learn the lessons of two Holocaust survivors as well as previous genocides and stand up to a survivor of the genocide in Darfur. prejudice wherever it exists.” Eva Clarke and Joseph Perl The Holocaust has been commem- shared their harrowing memories of orated offi cially since 2005, when the their time at concentration camps. UN’s General Assembly passed a Perl described how he had “become resolution designating 27th January an old man” at the age of ten as he as annual Holocaust Memorial Day. “witnessed man’s inhumanity to The day is set aside to remember man” at seven concentration camps the lives lost, educate others about in Czechoslovakia. Clarke, who was Nazi persecution, and prompt action born in a concentration camp, re- in the UK against modern forms of counted her mother’s struggle to discrimination. survive “as a scarcely living preg- Asher Steene, President of the nant skeleton.” She has been telling Cambridge University Jewish So- her story to groups of young people ciety, believes that the evening was for years and illustrated her speech a real success and hopes to contin- with family photographs and holo- ue the Society’s involvement with caust art. such events. He said: “It was a very The event also drew attention to poignant evening commemorating ongoing genocide and ethnic cleans- tragedies both past and present, and The RESPECTacles ing. Darfuri asylum-seeker Hammid we hope that these messages reso- exhibition at the Haiki gave an account of his experi- nate around our University. Cam- national commemora- ences growing up in modern war- bridge University Jewish Society is tive event, hosted in torn Darfur. Ben Helfgott, a spokes- proud to be a part of such a diverse Liverpool. person from the Holocaust Memorial community on campus and we hope Trust and a former detainee of the that these productive and important Reisenstadt, told Varsity why such relationships continue to thrive.”

The

PARK STREET • CAMBRIDGE Lent Squash The ADC Theatre wishes to appoint the following full-time staff 7-9pm members for one year from 1st September 2008: Tuesday 5th Marketing and Front-of-House Manager Responsible for marketing the Theatre, maintaining the Theatre’s Ta Bouche front-of-house areas, and for management of the Theatre’s bar and box office.

Production Manager Get involved Responsible for organising show selection and for liaising with incoming shows (student, local amateur and professional) for all their publicity, Writers production and technical requirements. Editors Technical Manager Photographers Responsible for the maintenance, supervision and improvement of the Theatre’s technical facilities and the fabric of the building. Designers

PotentialP applicants should contact the Theatre Manager, James wanted Baggaley, on [email protected] or 01223 359 547 for more information or to apply.

Deadline: 12 noon Friday 15 February 2008 www.adctheatre.com Friday February 1 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 7

McDonald’s offers A-level equivalent

Caitlin Breeze place training schemes in the UK. But critics have complained that Admissions Office said: “It is hard to The “basic shift manager” course will the qualifications are not sufficiently see how these qualifications would In a government initiative to in- be implemented from this January, impart the knowledge or develop the crease the number of skilled workers, training staff in skills such as human skills needed to flourish on the - par fast-food giant McDonald’s has been resources and marketing. ticular range of courses offered at the awarded the same status as the Uni- McDonald’s spokesman Steven “a qualification in University of Cambridge, so taken versity of Cambridge’s OCR exam Heywood claimed that the qualifica- alone they would not meet our entry board. In conjunction with Tribal tions, which will cover all aspects for burger flipping” requirements.” Cambridge Training and Develop- day-to-day running of a McDonald’s The scheme has attracted public ment, the company has developed restaurant, including basic opera- derision with talk of “McGCSE’s” vocational qualifications equivalent tional requirements, finance, market- academic. The results of a recent sur- and “International Maccalaureates”. to GCSEs and A-levels. ing and human resources, are “just vey showed that 40% of university Cambridge GCSE student Sean This is the first time that commer- as valuable” as academic ones, “if not admissions tutors were “not likely” or said: “It sounds like a bit of a joke. cial companies have been allowed to more so.” He said that employees “not at all likely” to accept students It’s unfair that they can get a GCSE award nationally recognised quali- could use the scheme “as a spring- who had taken the new Diplomas. A for making burgers when I have to fications Redgate_Bluesci_fullpage_MD.pdf based on their own 04/10/2007 work- board” 03:07:25 for university application. spokesperson from the Cambridge work.”

Jesus Copy that A group of highly esteemed dam- sels (now in distress) were rev- elling with visiting friends on a Friday evening, when the for- mal frolics and bar boozing were drawn to a close with the usual guided tour of the college’s best facilities. Concluding with a tour of the college library and its many sculptural offerings, one slightly intoxicated wench suggested end- ing the night’s naughtiness in the style more common to an office Christmas party. Thus, the ladies went forth to the photocopier room and began to perch their derrieres on the machine in ques- tion. One unfortunate maiden, Your career is whilst mounting the unsuspecting contraption, cried out in shock as the glass surface shattered be- neath her. Shrieks rang out as the no laughing revellers made a dash for the door. The only thing that slowed down their hasty escape involved the matter. retrieval of the photocopier card from the damaged instrument and the concealment of their fac- es from the CCTV cameras with their gowns. C

M Christ’s Y

In the blue CM

MY On Tuesday evening, four Christ’s students, three female and oneCY male, were typically under the influence. Fortunately for CMY their drunken amusement, one of theK four was a member of the College JCR, and had access to Welfare equipment and its untold delights. And what else would an upstand- ing Cambridge student do with a stash of pregnancy tests, other than liberally douse them with piss? Which is just what they did; apparenly all four of them are ex- pecting. Queens’ Red Gate Software is the ideal place to kick-start your career. Tinkle tinkle Ranked 8th in The Sunday Times ‘Best Small Companies to To regular Spies readers, it will come as a surprise that a Queens’ Work For’, we offer small company culture with big aspirations. entry doesn’t involve our favourite swordsman. This week, the spot- light rests on a MIT exchange stu- dent, paying his first return visit in For your opportunity to shine contact us at www.red-gate.com over six months. Upon drunkenly collapsing on the floor of his tem- or call careers on 01223 438556 porary landlady, he soon needed to relieve himself. To this end, he knelt up, unzipped, and was just about to break the seal when the other roommate’s boyfriend had Red Gate Software Ltd. the good fortune to be passing St John’s Innovation Centre, t: +44 (0)870 160 0037 ext.8556 through. Having reconnoitred the Cowley Road, Cambridge f: +44 (0)870 063 5117 situation, he caught (a strong word CB4 0WS United Kingdom e: [email protected] - he estimates an 85% success rate) www.red-gate.com ingeniously simple tools the liquor in a succession of 2 mugs and, alarmingly, an ash tray. Something to say? Friday February 1 2008 8 EDITORIAL&LETTERS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Le t t e r s [email protected]

A sexual complaint Cut CUSU’s funding

Sir, Sir, Issue 670, 1 February 2008 I wish to write in complaint about the innate In your editorial (‘Granting a Favour’, Issue discrimination shown in the sex survey pro- 669) you point out that CUSU will face “a duced by Varsity (Issue 669). In particular, hard time” making the same kind of money the survey failed to recognise any sexual ori- from their Ents as they are used to. Yet your entations except heterosexuality, homosexu- proposed solution flies in the face of common Sex sells ality and bisexuality. As such, someone who sense: you claim that “What is needed is a is, say, asexual would be unable to complete block grant from the University”. Surely the survey in full. the University has better things on which to The Varsity Sex Survey, published last week, was an amusing and light- With increasing acceptance of asexuality spend its money than on this outdated and hearted look at the self-declared sexual habits of Cambridge students. as a sexual orientation as opposed to some largely useless behemoth? There is an urgent affliction or disease, a growing number of need to maintain and increase spending on It was not intended to reveal any shocking facts or statistics, and it people are willing to admit that they are teaching, research, facilities sporting and did not do so. But the reaction from outside Cambridge shows how asexual. One must, therefore, question why otherwise, and - perhaps most of all - the Varsity only recognises the most common bursaries scheme, which is a far more effec- wrongly the survey was perceived by the rest of the world. It is easy sexualities. tive way of ensuring fair access to all than I hope that such an omission will not hap- any of CUSU’s access programmes, impor- to dismiss the handful of rabid Americans who responded angrily pen in the future. tant as these can be. Perhaps we do not need to Mark Fletcher’s jokey comments on the survey when they were CUSU - after all, College JCRs and MCRs Yours faithfully, do the same job on a local level. Perhaps we reprinted in Fox News. But the reaction from our own national press is do: in that case, let CUSU charge a sub- less excusable: the Daily Telegraph has claimed that the survey shows James Sharpe scription fee like other trade unions, and let Fitzwilliam College us pay directly for its services rather than a lack of awareness of sexual health issues, and many newspapers were indirectly through the University, a far more delighted with our finding of a negative correlation between sexual Union at the crossroads democratic modus operandi. Given, however, that turnout in last year’s Internet-enabled activity and academic achievement. Much of what they printed was Sir, CUSU elections stood at a woeful 16%, we may see that students do not care for their artificial and arbitrary, chosen from isolated statistics in the survey; On Saturday Members of the Union Society union enough to keep it alive; in that case, let this episode has proven nothing but the media’s prurient thrill at will have the opportunity to ratify James it die. But we cannot sanction the University Robinson, current Secretary and Vice- leaking money to a dinosaur which may have being able to print “Cambridge” and “sex” in the same headline. The President, to the Constitutional Committee outrun its use. press is desperate for stories which will show Cambridge students to of the Union Society. The importance of this can not be understated as the Secretary Yours faithfully, be in any way decadent or over-privileged, and will leap on any scrap will bring substantial positive input to this of evidence, however slight. It is sad that the outside world is only process. Hugo Gye The Union is at a turning point. We are Trinity College interested in Cambridge when they think they can report a scandal; struggling to survive with archaic proce- dures in an ever changing world. To restruc- Food reviews leave sour taste their response to this non-scandal has been unedifying. ture and reform an old institution such as the Union requires a new approach and a Sir, new constitution. If the Union is to remain a student-run I see that you have chosen to retain Tom Society as it moves into its third century Evans as your restaurant reviewer for this it is vital that you ratify the Secretary to term. I do not understand the logic in this. Mob advantage the Constitutional Committee as he has Having put up with his ignorant, puerile gar- considerable knowledge with regard to the bage for some time already, I feel it is time Society’s internal structures and how they for him to step down from his post. Granted, need to be changed. a restaurant review should be written with Whilst some may voice concerns over enough meander to render it accessible and It has been revealed that the University’s Ukrainian course is being the Secretary’s suitability for this role, engaging, but Evans feels the need to take funded by a company which is alleged to have links with a Ukrainian and even his continuation as Secretary, it this to an absurd degree, week in, week is worthwhile remembering that he is the out. Several weeks of reading have perhaps mobster. If true, this is extremely unfortunate, and the University most dedicated servant the Union has seen enlightened me to the nuances of American must be more discerning in its choice of sponsors. But the fact remains in many years. We have seen unprecedented wrestlers, theme parks and other such child- and sustained attacks upon his character for ish nonsense, but I am none the wiser as to that without the support of Group DF, there would be no Ukrainian many reasons including attempting to deal the quality of any of Cambridge’s eateries. with the accounting irregularities created by at Cambridge. Perhaps, rather than being condemned, the University former Officers and for subsequently refus- Yours faithfully, should instead be commended for being willing to go to any lengths ing to cover them up. J Hodgson, Over the past year we have fought against Clare in its pursuit of academic excellence and a broad curriculum. Private huge opposition to remove the nepotistic enterprise is becoming increasingly important in providing the funds bar to getting involved in the Union Society. Letters of the week will receive a bottle of wine from our This was a fight worth fighting. We look friends at Cambridge Wine Merchants. for education, and it is somewhat heartening to see that Cambridge is forward to continuing to open up the Society determined not to be left behind. to all members. We would relish the oppor- tunity to continue to move from an opaque unaccountable system to a transparent and Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cam- wholly accountable one where achievements Correction & Apology bridge college and to ARU each week. are rewarded and and failure results in ap- propriate sanction. This will lead to a better Varsity would like to apologise to CUSU Editors Tom Bird and George Grist [email protected] Associate Editors Joe Gosden and Ed Cumming associate@ Union. President Mr Mark Fletcher for the reference varsity.co.uk News Editors Clementine Dowley, Richard Sayeed, Isabel Shapiro and Katherine Sirrell news@ to an alleged violent outburst in lines 114-116 varsity.co.uk Comment Editor Asad Kiyani [email protected] Features Editors Tash Lennard and Josh of Friday 25 January’s page three article ‘Let Sutton [email protected] Arts Editors Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley [email protected] Sport Editors Henry me entertain you’. Varsity would like to add Stannard and Luke Thorne [email protected] that Fletcher “flatly denies” any such incident Senior News Reporter Emma Inkester [email protected] Science Editor Kevin Koo [email protected] To reject the Secretary upon the basis of ever having taken place and acknowledges that Fashion Editors Beatrice Perry and Olivia Sudjic [email protected] Visual Arts Editor Anna Trench visualarts@ an unfortunate altercation that was the cul- Fletcher’s statement should have been included varsity.co.uk Theatre Editor Alex Reza [email protected] Literary Editor Ned Hercock [email protected] mination of him suffering what we view as a in the original piece. Film Editor Ravi Amaratunga [email protected] Music & Listings Editors Daniel Cohen, Oli Robinson and Verity systematic personal and psychological attack Furthermore, Varsity would like to clarify Simpson [email protected], [email protected] Classical Editor Toby Chadd [email protected] Food & by certain awkward opponents would play in that, although Mr Fletcher did not comment Drink Editor Guy Stagg [email protected] to the hand of petty politics. on certain issues discussed in the article, lines Chief Subeditor Jane Hall [email protected] Chief Photo Editor Jason Taylor [email protected] Therefore because of the Secretary’s ongo- 118-121, this is for contractual reasons rather Chief Photographers Dylan Spencer-Davidson and Lizzie Robinson [email protected] ing dedication to the Union we are declaring than because of any personal views on the Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Company Secretary Patricia Dalby our utmost confidence in the Secretary and matter. [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof Peter Robinson, Tom Walters, Amy in his potential to contribute to modernis- Finally, Varsity would like to apologise to Mr Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, Joe Gosden, Natalie Woolman, Lizzie Mitchell, Elliot ing an archaic institution. This Poll is a vote Fletcher for any misconstruction that may be Ross, Tom Bird, George Grist of confidence in the Secretary and as the inferred from the inappropriate use of quota- Secretary has our complete confidence, in tions in lines 126 and 127 and acknowledge us. Should the Poll fail to the hands of petty that, for contractual reasons, current CUSU Sab- NEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 politics, we will be resigning our Offices. batical Officers cannot compare the perform- SUPPORT 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications ance of other CUSU Officers. RECYCLING also publishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2008 Varsity Publications Ltd. Recycled paper made Yours faithfully, Varsity would like to apologise for not having up 80.6% of the raw All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system material for UK included these details in the original piece as newspapers in 2006 or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper William Wearden, President well as for any distress and embarrassment that House,RECYCLING Morton Way, Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. James Robinson, Secretary Mr Fletcher may have suffered as a result of the Dominic Benson, Treasurer article’s publication. Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] DEBATE 9

De b a t e Who should the Democrats run for the White House? Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton lead the Democratic push for the White House. Neither has been able to claim a distinct advantage, with each winning two major primaries. In the run-up to Tsunami Tuesday, the February 5th date of primaries across the country, Varsity Comment asks which one of the two ought to be the Democratic nominee.

Netta Jonathan Chachamu BARACK Birch HILLARY obama clinton

hen Obama and Clinton are interrogation techniques”. Obama will talk t’s small wonder that Democratic you are, the more likely you are to vote Hil- compared to the Republican to leaders of hostile countries - Clinton may debates increasingly resemble mud- lary. Clinton’s core support comprises those frontrunners, they look pretty or may not - and he believes that America slinging contests: Hillary Clinton and who need change delivered, not those who similar - “universal healthcare”, should lead in terms of nuclear disarmament. Barack Obama’s personal differences merely like the idea. W“getting out of Iraq”, that kind of thing. In Their records and attitudes towards Iare far more vivid than those of policy. Both Of course, there’s never been a female fact, as they keep pointing out, their policies lobbyists and money also differ markedly. brand themselves as inclusive “Change” are different and much of that has been get- Obama does not support taking money from candidates. Both promise tax cuts for the ting lost amongst pundits who have reduced federal lobbyists; Clinton does. Obama has middle class, action on the environment, this election to “Is America more misogynistic released his income tax return, the only fairer pay across race and gender, universal “Obama would become the or more racist?” major democratic candidate to have done so. healthcare, and a quick withdrawal from All of the Democratic nominees have made He’s worked on - and passed - a bill which Iraq. Both would maintain support for first black president, but healthcare a big issue in this election. Their puts all federal spending, loans and grants on Israel and uphold capital punishment. Both he would do so without solutions differ in an important respect. a searchable database. Other bills Obama is say “tomayto”. A look at the pair’s near- Obama plans to make his own health insur- responsible for include ones which prevent identical Senate voting records reveals support from civil rights ance - that offered to Senators - available to lobbyists from buying politicians flights, gifts Hillary is slightly less keen on biofuels all Americans, heavily subsidising this with and meals. His attitude to money is open and than Obama, and that’s about it. But the leaders.” taxes. His focus is on making good health care transparent. Democratic primaries won’t be decided by affordable for everyone. Clinton, by contrast, Obama’s record is surprisingly strong giv- ethanol. Scratch beneath the surface and wants mandatory health insurance - she hopes en all the concerns about his “lack of experi- there are matters of substance that can, to make it illegal not to have health care. So ence” - he’s been a state and federal senator and do, sway American voters. president before. With few differences the people who currently can’t afford health- for twelve years compared to Hillary’s eight. In increasingly troubled economic between the candidates, the chance to strike care still can’t afford Laws he has passed include one that made conditions, Hillary has the knowledge and against misogyny enters the equation. Hil- healthcare, only now it’s compulsory. the taping of interrogations compulsory, to composure to execute a responsive fis- lary would champion women’s rights with Another deal breaker for many Americans prevent people from being forced to make cal policy. Clinton and Obama have both regard to pay, abortion and access to contra- are their respective attitudes to Iraq. The cur- confessions, and significantly reduced the proposed $70bn stimulus packages to turn ception. True, Obama would become the first rent prime minister of Iraq once responded likelihood of an innocent person dying on the economy round (though Clinton got black president, but he would do so without Death Row. He sponsored a bill for children’s there first). But while Obama’s focuses on support from civil rights leaders. Jesse Jack- health insurance which passed both houses of brute tax cuts, Hillary’s emphasises relief son has sceptically demanded “hope with Congress but was vetoed by the President. targeted at mortgages, heating bills and substance,” Al Sharpton has told him “not “Stories abound about He has travelled on diplomatic missions as unemployment insurance, with additional to take the black vote for granted,” while part of his position on the Senate pledges to improve energy efficiency. It’s Andrew Young considers Bill Clinton “every voter fraud perpetrated Foreign Relations Committee, which helps a brave, detailed plan, in keeping with Hil- bit as black as Obama”. Beyond skin colour, to form foreign policy. That’s a little more lary’s professed to determination to deliver Obama has no roots in the African-American by the Clinton campaign... reassuring than Hillary’s foreign office “ex- more than symbolic change. Her 16-page, struggle. He was, after all, brought up by perience” claims, which are based entirely on budgeted healthcare plan is similarly his “white as milk” mother. By contrast, Hil- this is exactly what Bush’s having been First Lady. precise. lary’s ability to be more than a figurehead is campaign did in Ohio.” Finally, a look at their campaign manage- Knowledge, intellect, experience: these beyond doubt. ment is revealing. The Clintons (who are are the qualities the New York Times Hillary is dependable. She can secure a working together closely on this campaign) cited in endorsing Clinton over Obama. strong win no matter whom the Republicans have been actively misleading voters about The gulf in experience between the rivals nominate. Obama’s time has not yet come. to Hillary’s interference with the comment, Obama’s positions on abortion, the Iraq war, is undeniable. Hillary is the closest thing He would make a great next-but-one presi- “[Clinton] consider[s] Iraq as if it were one of economic policy and healthcare. In Nevada, this presidential race has to an incumbent. dent, and a great vice president: a combined [her] villages.” Obama believes in giving Iraq stories abound about voter fraud perpetrat- Clinton, 60, spent eight years in the White Clinton/Obama ticket would obliterate any back to the Iraqi people - which means Ameri- ed by the Clinton campaign, such as telling House while Obama, 46, was lecturing law GOP contender and put “Change” firmly on can troops leaving as soon as possible. Obama supporters there were no ballots left in Chicago. Clinton has been a federal sena- the agenda. That’s what Democratic voters In terms of wider foreign policy, Obama is and closing doors early on them. Worse yet, tor since 2001, Obama since 2005. If you’re really want. The Democratic contest has consistently the more diplomatic of the two. there have been calls to voters talking about wondering why Obama never voted for the been portrayed as a battle of pragmatism He has ruled out the use of nuclear weapons “Barack Hussein Obama” in a clear attempt Iraq War, it’s because he wasn’t there. The versus idealism, gender versus race, experi- against al-Qaeda - Clinton refuses to do so. to paint him as a Muslim in a blatant appeal importance of Hillary’s time as First ence versus youth, even prose ver- Ditto torture, or as it’s to racism. The calls and vote suppression Lady should not be underestimated: sus poetry. But, for Democratic now called, “en- are an echo of the past, and not one the Bill Clinton described himself as a voters, it’s all a matter hanced Clintons want to evoke - this is exactly “two for the price of one” president. of who is likeliest to what Bush’s campaign did in Ohio in It’s not “Vote Hillary, get Bill.” It’s deliver the 2004 election. “Vote Hillary, get Team Clin- the spe- What, on the other hand, does ton again.” cific, sig- Obama evoke? Caroline Americans trust in Hillary’s nificant Kennedy, the late John F experience, as polling from changes Kennedy’s daughter, recently the primaries reveals. The New they crave wrote about Obama: “I have never Hampshire polls, including the after eight had a president who inspired me the initial exit polls, were plain wrong, years in way people tell me that my father inspired implying voters are embarrassed to the wilder- them. But for the first time, I believe I have admit they support prosaic Hillary ness. That found the man who could be that president over media-darling Barack, but support is why they - not just for me, but for a new generation her they do. Obama has overwhelming will choose of Americans.” Kennedy’s comments leave African-American support, but Hillary Hillary. no doubt as to whom Democrats - and all leads with Whites, Hispanics, and liberal- Americans - should choose. leaning voters. Across all races, the poorer Comment Editor: Asad Kiyani Friday February 1 2008 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment

Kate Pallas Thinking on trans-therapy Our treatment of transpeople limits their self-actualization

I think Scientology has been ast Tuesday saw the start society understands us is medical. transpeople, from decade-long with the diagnosis of gender iden- viewed all wrong. Despite its of the most important Harry Benjamin Syndrome, for waiting lists to certain Primary tity disorder. In many countries, moniker, “the Church of Scientol- event in the CUSU LBGT example, is the diagnostic term Care Trusts refusing to fund those who don’t want to transi- ogy” is in fact a secular organisa- Campaign’s calendar - for transsexuality. The theory gender reassignment surgery, is tion medically or can’t because tion. As such, its use of the term LAwareness Week - coinciding with suggests that at the foetal stage, far from a priority. No doubt the of health reasons find it impos- “church” should more accurately the beginning of LGBT History the body develops one sex and effects of some syndrome or other sible to have their gender legally be seen as a heroic act of linguis- month. Having spent the last five the brain another. In childhood or offer a convenient explanation to recognised. The decision between tic reclamation after its unfair, months in Paris exploring the adolescence, the syndrome is said the tragically high suicide rate a long and potentially expensive millenia-spanning monopolisation political, personal and theoretical to manifest itself in feelings of among transpeople. Those seeking transition and legal non-existence by Christians. implications of the “T”, I was in- gender confusion and depression surgery often feel forced to fund seems barely a question of choice, For far too long now we have terested to see how CUSU LBGT that can lead to suicide. it privately, which can run into and even less so of rights. considered religion (based on would incorporate trans issues into Coming to realise you are thousands of pounds. For many Even with the gains of legal divine revelation and tradition) to its agenda. In Paris, the recent and transgendered or transsexual working class transsexual people recognition, the lives of many be opposed to science (based on transgender film festival presented and learning to live as yourself – it is never even a possibility and transpeople are marred by the rational experiment and amend- pieces on trans identity at the with the loss, discrimination and they are forced to rely on the threat of unemployment, dis- ment). This is not so. intersections of class and race, the harassment that often involves inadequate services of the NHS. crimination and violence. Is it any It is possible, for instance, for points of conflict between lesbian – can be a painful and traumatic This lack of vital resources for wonder wider society is failing a notable writer of science fiction feminists and FTMs (female-to- process. Yet it is worth asking transpeople is merely symptomat- to tackle its prejudices towards to have a revelation that presents male transsexuals) in American what we further compromise in ic of an underfunded system run transpeople when we are expected objective scientific fact, and estab- queer communities, and a gender- submitting ourselves to psychi- to understand our own genders as lish this as a great tradition open queer transman who just wanted atric analyses, as required by the products of mental illness? To to continual amendment. That way to join an all-male baking club and the NHS, to prove our genders pathologize forms of gender that we can combine the best of both, went to court to do it. are in fact abnormally developed do not correspond with expected whilst still remaining secular. CUSU LBGT? It offered, “An in order to receive hormonal or social norms is harmful not only And instead of being born and Introduction to Gender Dysphoria surgical treatment or legal recog- for transpeople but for everyone. initiated into a religion, why not and Harry Benjamin Syndrome”. nition. Not all transpeople feel it For many transpeople, the strug- acknowledge our status as a liber- That sounds like a talk about a necessary to change their bodies gle against pathologization is a al-capitalist democracy by making disease, doesn’t it? Guess what? to reflect their true gender, but step towards self-determination it both evangelical and fee-paying? Essentially, it is. Someone unfa- by the logic of Harry Benjamin and a re-examination of what it Its hardly unprecedented. miliar with the terms might not Syndrome are simply viewed as really means to be trans, but also Take the Scientologist addi- even realise that it has anything “less ill”. a step into the dangerous uncer- tion of an electro-galvanic skin to do with transsexuality, much The problem lies in part with Tim Drake tainty of self-identification. response detector (known as the less that LGBT and queer activ- the failure to distinguish between Those who believe that be- E-meter, formerly the Hubbard ists across Europe are currently the pathologization of transpeople, by a government more interested ing transgendered doesn’t mean electrometer, formerly the Math- engaged in a struggle to end the which posits our claim to selfhood in profit than the fulfilment of you’re mentally ill must make this ison Electropsychometer) to the pathologization of trans identities as the effect of a disorder to which people’s basic rights. Healthcare clear. They must oppose the medi- church’s “auditing” process. With assumed under those very titles. surgical and hormonal treatment is one such right, as is the right cal establishment’s gender agenda no all-knowing God, the candid- Given the chronic level of is the cure, and the medical inter- to determine your own gender. and its systematic dismantling of ness that allows confession and transphobia in our society, trans- vention that is necessary for some Since 2004, non-operative trans- the welfare state, as the welfare psychoanalysis to alleviate tension people are often cautious about transpeople to exercise their right gendered in the UK people have state should belong to the people has no spur. As a result, a device demanding to be understood to live full and normal lives and been able to change their birth who use it. Transpeople don’t need that bears an uncanny resemblance outside the dominant discourses feel at home in their bodies. certificate and other documents to treatment because they’re sick; to a polygraph machine is the only that only recognize them in a bi- Ironically, while the NHS is reflect their true gender through transpeople deserve treatment reasonable choice for those dedi- nary gender system. For the most all too keen on lengthy diagnos- the Gender Recognition Act. and legal recognition because it’s cated to the true rationalisation of part, the discourse through which tic procedures, the treatment of However, this is only possible their right. spirituality. Hubbard’s truly groundbreak- ing discovery is that the human psyche is divided into a rational Tom Holder & and irrational mind (or analytical and reactive in his charming par- James Burgess Pro-Test for progress lance). Imagine the glories that we would be witness to now if other supposedly great thinkers, such as Oxbridge students need to protect animal testing Lao-Tse, Christ, Buddha, Freud, Jung, Hesse, Yoda or Habermas had conceived of dividing the mind he boat race, league tables, intimidation as a means of legitimate relying on animal research – this con- where the standard of animal wel- into two forms of consciousness, famous alumni - the list of protest. troversial issue is one which affects fare is considerably lower. Export- one placid, one chaotic. Imagine Cambridge and Oxford bat- Now, two years since the original our lives more than almost any other. ing research in this manner is not in the mitigation of suffering that tlegrounds go on, yet Oxford Pro-Test march, we have to do it all Every year over 3 million operations the interests the British public, the would have occurred by now if peo- Tappears to be closing for the win in a again. Another march in favour of are carried out under anaesthetic, scientific community, or indeed the ple had but known that sometimes new battle - who can start, build, and animal testing is scheduled for Sat- over 30 million prescriptions for asth- animals themselves. they associate neutral stimuli with finish a new biomedical facility? urday, February 9th, for after two ma treatments are distributed and Of course, there remains the repressed memories or desires. In 2004, construction was halted years of bombs under cars, bombs in in excess of 50 million prescriptions question of the preeminence of Further, the revelation that hu- on a new primate research facility for antibiotics are issued. Animal re- humans over animals. Many of us eat man beings are constantly exposed at Cambridge University due to search is a technique we rely upon to meat, believe we may keep pets for to a low background level of toxic- “unacceptable financial risk” brought bring us the medicines we survive on our own enjoyment and would not ity in the environment, and that so- about by the actions of animal rights – to put this scientific method at risk hesitate to save a human from a fire lar radiation (and stuff) gets stored groups. Two of these groups in is to put our own health on the line. before attempting to save their pet. in our fatty tissues and when you particular played an important role: Animal research isn’t something Even the great animal rights get rid of it you feel rather lovely, Stop Primate Experimentation At to be ashamed of, and the scientists thinker, Peter Singer, has accepted has blown many an ecological Cambridge (SPEAC, now SPEAK who conduct it should be proud the need for primate research. As nay-sayer out of the water. Never at Oxford) and the Animal Libera- of their work. We should encour- a result, animal rights groups like again will I be nearly poisoned tion Front (ALF). Now both of these age scientists to speak up about SPEAK have been quick to disasso- by homeopaths. Forewarned is groups have moved on to target their research and happily tell the ciate themselves from him. forearmed. Oxford University. media, and public, about the animals The point remains, however, as It is astounding, given all these It took bombs in colleges and an colleges, anonymous threats, endless that made it possible. We all long the House of Lords Select Commit- astonishing contributions to sci- arson attack on a boat house, costing intimidation, we’ve been told this is to celebrate the day where such tee noted, “[t]he whole institution of entific progress, Scientology has three colleges over £500,000, but just the beginning. Supporters of ani- experiments are no longer needed, morality, society and law is founded not been vaunted even by lesser finally students at Oxford did what mal research need again to stand up and fully support the development on the belief that human beings are scientific publications such as those before them had not - they for science, reason and the belief that and use of alternative methods. Yet unique amongst animals,” morally Nature. Maybe, just maybe, there stood up to the extremists and said a violent minority should not dictate we are not at the point where we entitling humans to “use animals will come an age when the true ‘no more’. No more to harassment the future of research. Students at can do so. In certain fields, such as ...for their own purposes”. contributions of Scientology to of students walking to morning Cambridge need to put aside the neuroscience, it is difficult to see how Cambridge University should human progress come to light, and lectures. No more alienation of the historic Oxbridge rivalry and help we will get there any time soon. have pressed on to complete a lab it becomes acknowledged as the few scientists who dared to speak defend our two great academic insti- The UK has by far the strictest which, had it been built, might al- truest science. up on the issue. No more lies about tutions against this new extremism regulation on animal research in ready be helping to develop the next Of course, then Scientology the research that goes on inside our by joining the Pro-Test march. the world. Scientists must confirm generation of life-saving treatments. would have to forego the protec- University. With 70% of Nobel Prizes in there are no alternative methods Next Saturday’s protest is a second tion under law it has had access Nearly 1000 students, scientists physiology and medicine going to before embarking on research using chance to support medical progress. to as a religious organisation. But and members of the general public scientists using animals and many of animals. However, as animal rights then again, as scientific institution marched through Oxford not only to the most important medical break- groups push for tighter restrictions, The authors are members of Pro-Test. with privileged access to absolute defend animal research, but also to throughs including insulin, the polio more and more scientists are moving For more details on the march, visit truth, is it really needed? stand against the use of violence and vaccine, anaesthetics and penicillin their research abroad to countries www.pro-test.org.uk Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] COMMENT 11

Last week, a fair proportion of this mighty organ was devoted to the dubious subject of sex (and by mighty organ, I mean of course this mighty organ of the press, the venerable Varsity herself - other mighty organs have not been so for- tuitous). It is indeed high-time that Cambridge sex (as opposed to any other, more normal sex) was dealt with, but it was telling to see how it was dealt with – graphs, tables; even a pie chart, the least sexual of all charts, unless there exists some bizarre mathematical fanfic version of American Pie that I have sadly missed (a pale young man stands alone in the kitchen. Nervously, he glances at the multicoloured pie chart left abandoned of the work- top. Slowly, softly, he reaches out his right hand to caress its pastel segments…). The sex has been sanitised by statistics. Where’s all the romance gone? It got me thinking about idle sex (it doesn’t really take much). How can the urge to idleness, the sheer pleasure to be gained from the enjoyment of doing absolutely nothing, be reconciled with sex, a hobby that is invariably passionate, energetic, and worst of all, sweaty. The true idler never sweats. Per- spiration is for lesser beings, like athletes, and people who volunteer to give presentations, and dogs (in fact, even dogs don’t condescend to sweating, hence their lascivious Hugo panting. This says a lot about all you keen-types out there). What is Gye The V100 has to go more, getting the sex is just as ex- hausting as having it. Maintaining a relationship, wading through the The list of Cambridge standouts is a pointless exercise in vanity weekly Cindies gash-attack, trek- king over to that discreet massage parlour I know down on Mill Road – all take time and energy. The committed idler must find an easier he Oliver Wyman Varsity100, the an- Other categories are no easier to define. ering an entry being, “But what has he/she way to sensual Nirvana. Insertion nual compilation of the most influential There is one headed ‘Academics’; is this truly DONE?” Reading through the descriptions in without the exertion, if you will. students in Cambridge, walks away a list of the five cleverest or hardest-working the V100, each person comes across as boring, One looks to the Victorians for with the prize for ‘most-annoyingly- people in Cambridge? Or is it five cleverer- and not at all the type of person to whom one advice. Away from all their nasty Tpunctuated-vacuous-and-arbitrary-list-of-peo- than-average people of whom the V100’s editor would actually want to talk. They are (mostly) globe-straddling, captain-of-indus- ple-you’ve-never-heard-of-and-don’t-care-about happens to have heard? Three of this year’s not boring people – most of us know people on try work ethics, they had some of 2008’. And it’s only February. Just. It is not ‘Academics’ are classicists. Is this representa- the list, and we know they are not boring – but sound ideas, not least the “lie back the idea per se that is flawed. The problem is tive of the cream of Cambridge brains? by stripping them of anything but their CV, the and think of England” sexual phi- that its execution is fundamentally impossible There are thirty-five ‘Organizers’ [sic], a V100 certainly makes them seems so. losophy. Admittedly, it’s not a bril- in the bizarro-world that is Cambridge. category so vague that it appears to include This is not to disparage the efforts of those liant concept – imagining either (a) There are, naturally, far more than a hundred anyone include anyone who has ever put a who put the V100 together: they worked a modern Britain of desolate urban people at Cambridge of exceptional talent with poster up behind the tills in Sainsbury’s. There through the night for several days after having vistas bestrewn by vomit-stained exceptional achievements, but it is entirely is one entry in the V100 who is there for his spent weeks collecting nominations. Yet the chavs and knifed-up crackheads, or uninteresting to read a list of people of whom fact remains that the production of this year’s (b) a ye olde vision of ruddy-faced one has not heard and of whom one will not hear issue was far more rushed than would have Morris dancers and worried-looking again. Cambridge is simply too big a place to been ideal, and it is perhaps more instructive to vicars, is unlikely to spur anyone on sustain a large number of local celebrities, and “The glory of a great consider last year’s issue. to the climactic moment (but hey, its press not well-developed enough or inward- The editors of last year’s list put untold hours whatever floats your boat, right?) looking enough to make those people known Cambridge career is that of work into the magazine, contacting every But the central message – lying who deserve to be. Director of Studies and every charity, busi- back, going with flow (not the eu- So if most of the truly talented and success- good students are never ness and organisation with University links phemistic Flow – all floating boats ful people escape our notice, who then makes it to compile as exhaustive a list as possible. But aside, that’s just kind of gross) – is on to the list? An enormous number of actors, defined by what they do, but ultimately, it was still as incomplete, pointless one that appeals to the idler. A lazy some excellent and some less so. There is a by who they are.” and dull as this year’s. No amount of research day in bed, subsuming the occasion- mostly arbitrary selection of sportsmen as well will turn the V100 from a bad thing into a good al graceful fumble and a post-coital as the heads of Cambridge’s most prominent thing. cigarette, is just up the idler’s alley political organisations. And, of course, a number To be fair to the editors, they acknowledge (not that kind of alley! Although, of Varsity writers. some of the list’s shortcomings in their editorial. boat, float, etc.) Elegantly wasted The thesps are interesting only to those who small part in a schlocky TV series, and another They say the list “isn’t definitive or objective”, with a good bottle of wine, peeling already go to the theatre in Cambridge, and for modelling Sloaney clothes. and describe it as “inaccurate, incomplete and off the old lounge pants (they’re like those people can make their own minds up If this qualifies one for a list of “the most unfair”. So why bother putting it together? pyjama bottoms for wankers – the about who the best actors are. The sportsmen influential students”, then what about the The 100 is, admittedly, popular. Although peo- de rigeur in Cam are Jack Chills, are too erratically chosen to constitute a repre- Trinitarian who last week “claimed to have ple complain about the list, only a handful have though mine are Calvin (re)Kline) sentative cross-section of Cambridge sporting slept with over 70 women” in the Varsity Sex managed to overcome their vanity and refuse and slipping under the warm duvet talent. If people wish to find out who runs the Survey? Or Ceri Hon-Tang, whose exquisite permission to be included. Yet at heart we know for a mild spooning session…it’s sex Union, CUSU, CUCA or any similar body, look cravats and inimitable mannerisms have made it is not a valid measure of anything, and it is and relaxation in perfect harmony. at their websites – problem solved. him the most recognisable man in Cambridge? only puerile curiosity that leads people (includ- Soon enough the tension mounts, But the last category is surely the most The V100 strips people down from personali- ing me, of course) to read it, and to discuss the pleasure grows, a feeling of nefarious. We see at least four people – Elliot ties into a list of achievements. It assumes that who’s in and who’s out. transcendental physical delight be- Ross, Lizzie Mitchell, Tom Bird and George people can be defined by the positions they In the end, there just aren’t enough people gins to take over, and the room will Grist – making the list purely for having edited have held, and by the plays in which they have who deserve to be in the V100. To be talented, be filled with blissful sounds of joy, Varsity, the creator of the list. Is this not the appeared, when the glory of a great Cambridge successful, well-known and popular is a rare illuminated by beams of heavenly most blatant piece of nepotism and wankery? career is that good students are never defined feat, and the number of Cantabrigians who light, and sound-tracked by angelic How on earth can one justify such circular, self- by what they do, but by who they are. would make such a list would barely stretch harmonies, and thunderous chords congratulatory reasoning, one that puts Varsity The list takes no notice of this, with the main into two figures. Sadly, a lot of people have just beaten out upon a humongous or- people in their own list? question asked by its compilers when consid- wasted a lot of time. gan. No, not that kind...really...

Friday February 1 2008 varsity.co.uk

“War is not exciting. It’s bloody awful. I really deeply dislike the idea of presenting war as some kind of spectator sport.”

JOHN HUMPHRYS SPEAKS PAGE 14

Ibn Warraq on Islam Page 18

e art of the trailer Page 20

Art Brut interviewed Page 22 VIEW Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday February 1 2008 14 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features “This is John Humphrys. Please be brief” Formidable, ferocious and brusque - the ‘Welsh terrier’ of journalism puts Katy Lee firmly in her place.

“ his is John Humphrys. during one interview – but I was a journalist, so I made the hement dislike of the descrip- He took up the Today post Please be brief.” The an- am interrupted. “I interrupt obvious connection. I had this tion of journalism as ‘exciting’. in 1986 and has been there swer-phoneT message says it all: because if you don’t interrupt in absurd romantic notion of what “What it usually means is that ever since, but there have been John Humphrys is a man with a short interview, the politician it would be like to work as a re- lots of people have died. ‘Excit- plenty of side-projects along the no time to waste, especially on will deliver a party political porter.” This delusion crumbled ing’ is when your team scores way – an attempt at organic insignificant little twits like on his first day of work. “No- a goal in the closing minutes of dairy farming, various radio me. “How much time do you body who’s been a journalist for the match. When a lot of men and TV posts including as the have, Mr Humphrys?” I prat- more than thirty seconds would get burnt to death on a ship” – host of Mastermind, and a long- tle, when I finally get through “Nobody who’s dream of using the word ‘glam- he is talking about the sinking term endeavour to test his ag- to him. “Not very long, so let’s orous’. Journalism is bloody of the HMS Sheffield during nosticism. In 2006 he presented get on with it,” is the brusque been a journalist hard work some of the time and the Falklands War – “that’s not a Radio Four programme titled response. “Go on, just talk.” extraordinary tedium much of exciting, that’s hideous. War is “Humphrys in Search of God” The interview that follows for more than the time.” Taken aback by his not exciting. It’s bloody awful. I challenging British religious leaves me with a new empathy glumness, I ask if he actually really deeply dislike the idea of leaders to convert him to Chris- for Humphrys’ Today pro- thirty seconds likes his job. “You asked me presenting war as some kind of tianity, Judaism and Islam, but gramme victims. Turning the about journalism, not about my spectator sport.” to no avail. “I haven’t found tables on Radio Four’s chief would dream of job,” he snaps. “I’ve been a jour- Humphrys drudged his way him. On a purely intellectual interrogator – a man who, after nalist for a long time and I’ve to the top, working for eight level it would be awfully nice five decades in the business, using the word done lots of different things. years on local papers and to answer the single greatest is one of the true leviathans My present job has virtually no Welsh television before finally question: does God exist? But I of British journalism – was ‘glamorous’” tedium involved because that’s breaking into the BBC. Here he always going to be a formidable the sort of job it is. Of course I reported on northern indus- task, but I was depressingly un- love my job. I wouldn’t still be try before filling a variety of prepared for just how wormlike broadcast. I don’t blame them doing it if I didn’t.” The high foreign posts from America to “Humphrys he was going to make me feel. for that. If they’re answering point of his career so far? “I South Africa. He is impressive- Aptly characterized by some as the question, I don’t interrupt don’t know, it hasn’t come yet,” ly blasé about the big stories he doesn’t miss a Welsh terrier for his habitual them. If they’re not answering he says irritably. covered during this time, which ferocity, Humphrys doesn’t miss the question, or repeating the He has a include Watergate and Nixon’s a single a single opportunity to pounce answer they gave four times ve- resignation. “They all kind on you for whatever witless in the last three and a half of merge, really,” he opportunity to remark you have spewed up in minutes, then I do. There’s a says vaguely. your state of panic. He is still purpose to interrupting. “They all pounce on you” spry at sixty-four, and is play- One doesn’t do it gratui- become one ing football in his kitchen with tously.” in the his small son as we talk. Humphrys grew end.” suspect that relatively few peo- “I’ve always been extremely up in a poor district ple come to God as the result of argumentative,” he says be- of Cardiff and left any intellectual process.” tween dull thuds. “That’s to say school at the age Humphrys is gloomy about I’ve always questioned author- of fifteen to be- most of the things that we ity. I don’t think anyone can come a reporter talk about, and grumpy about be a journalist if they don’t do on the Penarth the others. He dislikes I’m A that.” What Humphrys calls Times. “I was Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here questioning authority, others just desper- (“It’s trash. It’s pointless and call over-aggressive interview- ately keen to voyeuristic and rather demean- ing. Former Cabinet minister start work- ing. It’s not even worth talking Jonathan Aitken once accused ing on the about”). He dislikes people who him of “poisoning the well of newspaper. abuse the English language, democratic debate”. I read and has written two books rag- I hear a flicker of that famous Superman ing against bad grammar and derisive snort when I men- comics management speak. He dislikes tion this. “Some people say it’s when I waste, crushing me effortlessly essential to have this kind of was a when I (lamely, I admit) express questioning,” he says. “I set out little boy – a curiosity about his habit of to ask challenging questions Superman measuring out cups of water of politicians. If, as a result of was Clark before boiling them. “Oh, I see, that, someone says something Kent, and that’s thrift, is it?” he barks. “I stupid, that’s a result of what Clark Kent thought that was good sense. they do, not my intent. I’m What absolute rubbish. If I’m quite puzzled as to how my boiling a mug of water to make style squashes debate.” a cup of coffee then I will boil I start to say that he has been a mug of water. I can’t see a accused of interrupting too lot of point in filling a kettle much – he famously interrupt- and waiting an extra twenty ed Ken Clarke over thirty times minutes while it boils. Waste is a moral issue, and should be for everybody. If it were, the world would be in a better state than Anna Trench it is today.” I hang up the phone in need of a stiff drink, but more in awe of Humphrys than ever. He may be an ill-tempered old git, but his talent for making people wince is unparalleled. Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 15

My Cambridge e Gentlemen of St John’s Choir The lesser known haunts and habits of well known Cambridge groups Cumming On Euphemism >> Robed and rogue-ish: we play dress up at he time has arrived to chal- him as Adrian Featherstone. least three times Tlenge the titular wordplay Why is he Featherstone not a week being infl icted on me by my Cumming?” superiors. It is quite puni- “Ah.” Said Daddy, ruminating tive. Euphemism is not like on his favoured snack, black a banana; it’s not inherently pudding and stuffi ng. “Your Un- funny. But in the right hands, cle Adrian, Edward, was Cum- it acquires a life all of its own, ming when he was born, but and transforms into a power far when he became a grown-up he beyond its original intent. The decided that he didn’t want to power of suggestion takes over, be Cumming any longer, and and even the most uptight and instead wanted to be Feather- recalcitrant fi nd themselves stone, so he asked the men in drawn to see hidden mean- charge if they could do it any ings, unintended by either the they said ‘Surely’, so he did it.” author or God. It can be a raw, “Oh.” I said. humiliating experience for both. “Yes.” He replied. “May I have It would be wilfully mislead- a Malteaser?” ing to suggest that my surname I offered him my bag, and has had no effect on my sen- he patted me in gratitude. But sitivity to hidden sexual code. questions were welling up in Even in my youth, when I was my mouth, and I blurted one very small, there was always >>Like many Cam- an air of erotic tension around >>After Evensong, the bridge societies, we the house. This was never felt coolest member of the lad-it-up at Cindies harder than during discussion choir gets stoned about the family tree. Outside Cindies. Christmas ‘07 One conversation, particular- ly memorable, went like this: “Daddy?” said a small me, tousled of hair and Malteasered of face. Bald of hair and stiffl y con- servative, he replied: “Hello there, son. Is that the family tree? He enquired, pointing to a large, folded piece of paper Face Off Malteasers: food for cocked crisply under my arm. all the family ey’re fi t, you’re fi ckle. Who’s fi tter? ere’s the pickle “Yes, Daddy.” “Oh, how curious.” He added, out. Round 3: Emma versus Tit Hall before taking a delicate sip “Why did he not like Cum- from the tall glass of Bristol ming?” stout he had perennially at his “I think he was teased at side. “Why don’t you come and school. All of the boys ran show me what you’ve got.” Ea- around him, chanting “Hey ger to please and rosy-cheeked, Adrian, are you coming or go- I bounded across the room and ing? Coming or going? Coming hopped up. or going? It’s because Cumming It was always easy to sit on sounds like coming, you see.” my father’s knee; corduroy is “Oh yes. I think so, because very adhesive. I was late for P.E. on the lawn “I’m perplexed, father.” I said, with Mr. Treetorn yesterday frowning and sucking thought- because I was having lunch fully on my Malteaser. and he shouted ‘Edward’, and “Why’s that?” he shot back, I said ‘I’m coming’, and people intently. laughed.” “Well, it says here that Uncle “Yes” he said, quite calmly. Adrian is Cumming, but I was “It’s because ‘coming’ sounds giving Mummy a hand when like ‘Cumming’, isn’t it, Daddy?” she was doing the Christmas “Mmmph”, he grunted, in af- cards and she asked me to fi ll fi rmation. him out and she told me to do If you catch my drift.

Felix is a 1st year SPS student Yusuf is a 3rd year SPS student and and Vicky is a 1st year Linguist Amy is a 1st year English student

Banana: inherently funny

LAST WEEK’S RESULT: To vote for Emma, To vote for Tit Hall, Text ‘Varsity Emma’ to Text ‘Varsity Tit’ to 60300. 60300. Trinity 64%

Standard network charges apply. St John’s 36% Fashion Editors: Beatrice Perry & Olivia Sudjic Friday February 1 2008 Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: 16 VIEWFashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] VIEWFashion 17

Both wear: False eyelashes, Shu Uemura, £10 Clementine Dowley wears: Silk embroidered bib shirt, Warehouse, Pails, John Lewis, £8 each; Rachel’s Organic Milk, 99p £42; Leggings, Miss Selfridge, £12; Shoes, model’s own.

VARSITEYE

Cambridge Annual Fashion Show

Should Alexander McQueen be looking nervously over his padded shoulder, or Moss be quaking in her Louboutin boots? If you are looking for a creative outlet; in Cambridge you have found your catwalk. The Cambridge University Annual Fashion Show 2008 is set to take place on Thursday the 19th June at the Corn Exchange and May Week just got a whole lot more exciting. The running of the show, the design of the clothes and the modelling will all be entirely in the hands of Cambridge University students. And it’s not just a catwalk. Think more Cecily White wears: Silk embroidered vest, Warehouse, £40; Frayed Misfi ts Skinny Jeans, the Prince’s Trust’s ‘Fashion Sass & Bide, £135; Red patent heels, Jaeger sale, £35; Hair bows & silk scarf, stylist’s own. Rocks’, with performances by University dancers, actors, singers and wait for it… sportsmen. With the space for an audience of more than 900, this is the fi rst fashion event of such a scale to be held in Cambridge. Needless to say, this makes it a phenomenal opportunity for anyone sighing to be involved in the worlds of fashion and entertainment. All proceeds from ticket sales will be donated to the charity Right To Play for their children HIV/AIDS campaign ‘Live Safe-Play Safe’. The campaign endeavours to develop and improve children’s knowledge of, and attitudes towards, HIV/ AIDS in the third world. With so many positions on offer, your role in the show can be fl exible, and as time intensive as you wish. No sewing skills or previous experience are required for designing pieces – it’s a totally open area. The fi rst meeting for interested students will be held at 6 PM on February 8, at the Graduate Union on Mill Lane. If any aspect of the show, from designing, modelling, publicity, sponsorship, to pre- show events has captured your curiosity and interest, this will be your chance to fi nd out more and get involved.

Terese Hougaard

For more information, visit the website www.camfashion.co.uk or send an email to executive@ camfashion.co.uk.

Hosted by the Cambridge University Annual Fashion beyond the pail Show Society a lesson in haute cowture Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday February 1 2008 18 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features Why I’m not a Muslim As a critic of Islam and defender of the West, Ibn Warraq promised to be a divisive fi xture in the Union calendar. Shane Murray went along to meet the man behind the controversy.

bn Warraq cuts an unas- of making it unacceptable for ent as a passive victim, Said the current state of politics date and liberalise Islam. He suming fi gure, which is people to “ask or answer po- helped to create the culture in Muslim countries, even points out that this is one of perhaps unsurprising for tentially embarrassing ques- of self-pity and accompany- Turkey, but particularly Iraq. the things that makes Islam Isomeone who still goes ex- tions” about Islam and non- ing anti-Western ideology in He lambasts the Coalition Au- more dangerous than even clusively by his pen-name for Western cultures in general. the Arab world. Moreover, he thority for missing a fantastic evangelical Christianity, say- “fear of becoming the second Warraq claims that Said is points out that Said held the opportunity to leave the word ing that (in a quote that made Salman Rushdie”. only so dangerous because he deranged view that the state “Islam” out of the constitution. my day) “Jerry Falwell and Pat Warraq courted controversy has been so infl uential in the of Israel was a Western-Zionist “Someone just has to be a bit Robertson are pussycats”. He when he published his fi rst academic world. He attributes conspiracy to hold back Islam. more courageous” in order to notes that the Danish cartoons articles and a subsequent his success to a mixture of lazy When asked what could be move the Islamic world closer controversy showed that for a book called Why I Am Not a students, who preferred to use done to extirpate Said’s infl u- to secularism, says Warraq. “European Islam” to emerge, Muslim in 1995 as a delayed Said’s “formula” rather than ence, Warraq suggests that He adds that Islam also needs then Muslims must face up to response to the Rushdie affair. thinking for themselves, and one might write a book called to absorb the lessons that a certain amount of criticism Since then, he has written Western guilt in the aftermath Defending the West, or words Christianity absorbed from and, on the other hand, the extensively on the origins of of colonialism. He argues to that effect. Warraq argues the Enlightenment, namely West must be utterly steadfast the Koran and on the Prophet that following Said negates that cultural relativism has to self-criticism and self-exam- in standing up for its values Muhammad as a historical the need for actual empirical be done away with and human ination, arguing that more of tolerance and free speech: fi gure, as well as becoming a research or expertise in lan- rights have to be vigorously criticism and analysis of the a job Mr Warraq seems more general critic of Islam. guages that would otherwise defended, even if it offends Koran must be done to up- than happy to do. He outlines his new book be required for such studies Muslim sensibilities and exco- with references to his defence and that instead, one can riates some Western feminists of the “three golden threads of for their failure to criticise the West: rationalism, uni- the practice of female genital versalism and self-criticism”, “Warraq argues mutilation. and with his view that Islam More generally, Warraq sug- is a totalitarian system. But that cultural gests that countries such as it is clear that above all else Britain need to be vigilant in Mr Warraq is a scholar and relativism has protecting themselves intel- not a fi re-breathing neo-con lectually. They should teach or intransigent defender of to be done away comparative and critical views liberty. As such he is keen to of religion in schools, say, or demolish Edward Said’s book with and human prohibit extremist books being Orientalism and the academic brought into the UK. ideology that it spawned. This rights have to When asked whether he subject is clearly close to Mr thinks the phrase “moderate Warraq’s heart and is also be vigorously Muslim” is oxymoronic, he what his book defending the thankfully replied in the nega- West is about. defended, even if tive and instead pointed out He quickly identifi es Said that the theological construct as a “pernicious infl uence” in it off ends Muslim of Islam is not moderate, but academia and accuses him individual Muslims can depart and his acolytes of “negating sensibilities” from this. centuries of Western scholar- On the question of where ship” with their rigid ideology. construct a grand theory with Islamic fundamentalism has Getting straight to the point, a few years work. Moreover, he come from and how it can Warraq accuses Said of being points out that Said presents be defeated, he expresses a totally one-sided: incapable of this formula as being “immune certain amount of puzzlement, criticising non-Western cul- to argument”, because when only to say that he was cer- someone criticised Said, Said’s tain that the common causes response was to insult them attributed to its rise – pov- “ is is the real and accuse them of imperial- erty, American policy and the ism. This is the real harm of Palestinian problem – were harm of Said... Said, Warraq notes. It labels irrelevant, quoting the Ayatol- Who? Said? What? “every European...a racist, im- lah Khomeini’s reasoning: “I A little background on Edward Said, the focal point of Warraq’s It labels “every perialist, totally ethnocentric” did not make the revolution criticism (Said’s words) and has played to decrease the price of mel- European... on Western guilt and self- ons.” Many Islamic terrorists, Edward Said was the and the perceptions of criticism, while it obscured Warraq argues, are in fact author of Orientalism, the East purveyed in a racist, what Warraq calls “the great- relatively affl uent and well- which has has had a them, are suspect, and est threat to Western civilisa- educated and argues that their signifi cant impact on the cannot be taken at face imperalist, totally tion since the Nazis”: Islamic reading of the Koran in fact fi elds of literary theory, value. According to Said, fundamentalism. radicalises them. cultural studies and hu- the history of European ethnocentric” Said, he calims, has contrib- Could there be a secular man geography, and to a colonial rule and politi- uted directly and indirectly to Islamic democracy? Because lesser extent on those of cal domination over the tures and accusing everything the rise of Islamic terrorism; a democratic government history and oriental stud- East distorts the writings Western of being “orientalist” fi rstly by cowing the West into must refl ect the views of the ies. Taking his cue from of even the most knowl- and imperialist. Warraq points becoming too respectful of people, even their religious the work of Jacques Der- edgeable, well-meaning to some of Said’s more ridicu- other cultures and secondly by views, Warraq is deeply scepti- rida and Michel Foucault, and sympathetic Western lous pronouncements, with helping to justify these ideolo- cal. He notes that there have and from earlier critics ‘Orientalists’ (a term that the most bizarre being that gies. Warraq points out that been Islamic secular leaders, of western Orientalism he transformed into a Jane Austen supported slav- by blaming everything on the including Jinnah and Nasser, Said argued that Western pejorative). ery. Warraq also accuses Said West and presenting the Ori- but expresses pessimism about writings on the Orient, Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 19 Shackleton and Scott’s Living a ECCENTRIC EVENINGS Mr Shackleton and Mr Scott invite you on a journey into Cambridge’s double life? strangest subcultures is Week: LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAY

t’s the year 1289, and we the Coke machine) where he are standing in the toilets literally sniffed out the scent of Ioutside the Wessex Arms in our poor ma. Alas she could not Grantabrugge, washing green be found. paint off our faces. Shackleton, Next up, we were angry peas- a novice to time travel, turns ants. As religious zealots, we to me and says “What in God’s sought to convert the heroes. name are we doing here?” Unfortunately, Shackleton and We have just been slain by a I made unconvincing mis- heroic band of adventurers sionaries as we were unable after trying to hold up the inn. to explain even the most basic Shackleton’s magical spoon tenets of our religion. We dis- and my blinding crystal were tinguished ourselves by shout- not enough to prevent our un- ing “Sinner!” many times. Then timely deaths. we were ordered to destroy a Actually, we aren’t in 1289 vortex, which involved attack- at all. Grantabrugge is en- ing a black sheet, gaffer taped tirely fi ctitious, and the Wessex to the wall, with a rubber Arms is in fact the Gonville sword. and Caius JCR. We have just With our time nearly at an

JANE HALL taken our fi rst traumatic steps end, our faces were painted into the world of Live Action green and we were sent to rob Roleplay. For the uniniti- the inn as goblins. We were ated, LARP is part game, part informed that goblins speak improvisation. Players develop with one of two accents, scouse their characters with each or cockney, always at a helium successive meeting, building pitch. Our only defences were up costumes and a substan- Shackleton’s decorative spoon Bethan Staton explores the diffi culties that can arise for tial armoury. Refs, incongru- (an ineffective wand) and my ously dressed in fl uorescent, defective blinding crystal, practising Muslims in Cambridge. high-visibility jackets, develop which blinded me as well as overarching plotlines, which my foes. After I yelled “This is heoretically practising a talks support and provide a should select a college based provide the framework for the a stick up!” in a scouse accent, religion alongside typical community for worship and on its educational performance scenes. Shackleton fi red his wand with Tstudent life seems fraught with mutual faith, and many events, and if you like it in general. Shackleton and I were ‘mon- its operative word: “Bastard!” potential diffi culty. The clas- such as world food celebrations, The college should deal with stering’ with the Cambridge This offered little protection. A sic uni routine of drink and are organised within the CU making things good for stu- University Treasure Trap, a mob of fi fteen surged towards depravity, all the time treading interfaith forum, giving an op- dents, regardless of their back- group that has managed to us and felled us with a barrage the academic water, doesn’t portunity for various faiths to ground, religion or race’. establish a community of reawl of rubber sword blows. seem to allow much for spiritu- meet and socialise. ‘Ignorant and not willing to LARP enthusiasts. Granta- Our time was up. It had been al contemplation and practise, ISoC is also heavily involved understand’ was one perception brugge has its own weekly surprisingly easy to accept and the perceived demands of in campaigning for human of the attitude within college to newspaper, and several of the the world and ways of Granta- the Muslim faith mean juggling rights on Muslim issues. An practising Islam. ‘Ramadan was players boasted impressively brugge, even if the plethora university and religious life can awareness of prejudice and very isolating. Everyone went customised costumes. One even of rules remained baffl ing. We seem a challenge for some. injustice towards Muslims in to hall even though they knew wore a “Grantabrugge College had assumed that a quick-wit- The relatively small size of currents affairs, both interna- I couldn’t eat until later on. of the Arts” scarf. ted pair like ourselves would the Cambridge Muslim com- tionally and at home, prompted They all socialised and had a As monsters we were given have no trouble summoning munity means relationships the formation of ‘newswire’, laugh whilst I was in my room. small, temporary roles. First the inspiration required, but it between Muslim students and which runs training days and The suggested solution was we were scared peasants (in proved challenging. The other those resident in the city all provided information on human the Islamic Union, but I want Grantabrugge, peasants are players were extremely kind year can fl ourish. “A shared rights abuses and issues. In people to bother understanding either scared or angry, but al- and helpful, though, and this purpose and values means that Cambridge, however, the Mus- me regardless of their faith. By ways stupid). Our mother had compensated for our shortcom- Cambridge and Anglia Ruskin lim community doesn’t seem focusing on ISoC for the fi rst disappeared, and we sought a ings. It was a most enjoyable Universities are an important to have suffered a great deal of two weeks I’d have lots of Is- hero to save her. Shackleton evening – well worth a spin in part of the Muslim community explicit prejudice. “Cambridge lamic friends, sure, but I’d still nearly blew our cover when the DeLorean. as a whole”, says Abdul Kayum is quite a cosmopolitan com- feel isolated in college. I wanted he handed me an upside down Araim, of Cambridge Muslims munity...Some problems do friends, not specifi cally Muslim newspaper to demonstrate his For more information about Online. “The Community is arise around issues like 7/7, friends’. illiteracy. We then showed the Treasure Trap, go to http:// made up of people from all over but these are individual, not Here the problem of balanc- heroic tracker to our house (by www.srcf.ucam.org/tt/ the world, and faith gives a endemic”. ing religion with university commonality between them.” Despite the strength of the life is clear; the problem of For some 500 members, the Islamic community, however, a becoming defi ned by one’s University Islamic Society discrepancy between university religion, rather than it simply provides a wide range of activi- life and faith can be diffi cult. In being another aspect of a life ties, whether social or directly small colleges with less diverse shared with other students related to practise. The Society student bodies, not conforming of various faiths, is a diffi cult provides information on when to the stereotypical demands of one. The idea that ISoC can and where to pray, helps Mus- university life can be isolating, become the main part of not lim students fi nd accommoda- and, you’re more likely to be a just religious but social life too tion and provides support and minority of one within a college. builds barriers between faiths advice for potential Muslim Issues can also arise in many rather than fostering integra- applicants to Cambridge. The areas of practise, for example tion. And when its perceived society runs dinners at local unisex accommodation and that both the student body Halal establishments holds an halal food. ‘This is why you fi nd and the college as an institu- annual garden party, and with- alot of Hijabis [women who tion are prepared to view not in the University itself there is wear a veil] have to narrow just Islam and its practise, but a prayer room and an Islamic their options to the female col- Muslims themselves, as a part library, as well as weekly leges’ said one Muslim student. of religious societies and not study circles. Prayer meetings, ‘Surely this should not be an college life, alienation becomes football matches or topical issue you have to consider. You an issue. Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday February 1 2008 20 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Trailer trash Excited by the trailer for the next blockbuster? Be careful, warns George Reynolds - trailers can be as slippery as a fish and as deceptive as a witch’s gingerbread house

ou file into the cinema. trailers bring the geeks out of almost to deliver it, but then concentrated to really gain our After a while, the loung- their cubby-holes – I don’t think just to pull back at the very mo- attention. On the other, it really ecore porn music they any of us has much time for ment the thrilling glimpses of is amazing that something we alwaysY insist on playing fades; someone who concludes “I am ecstasy threaten to come togeth- know to be totally fictional can The 7 Best the lights go down. Then: that sorry that Ledger died, but I er in pure orgasmic pleasure. still have most of us bouncing voice. “This summer, two sisters, also hope that this does not ruin It’s no coincidence that the brief, up and down with excitement. Trailers EVER torn apart by love, will be this new Batman movie I’ve sub-one minute trailers you Watch an old-school trailer: reunited…and turn against the Jaws lasts over three minutes, 7) Twelve Monkeys village that holds them prisoner. and is soundtracked throughout An early masterpiece - has Working Title presents Keira by a voiceover done by a guy all the pacing, intrigue and Knightley…Mischa Barton… “A trailer has the same aim as a who sounds like he’s reading a excitement of anything on Alan Rickman…Judi Dench, in shopping list. The best bit is the our screens today. the greatest story ever told.” stripper...it’s no coincidence that sub- build-up to the film’s opening- What I hope this shows is scene money shot. Voiceover guy 6) Dark City that anything can be made one minute trailers are called teasers intones: “It is as if God cre- So effective that, ten years considerably more sexy and ated the Devil, and gave him… on, I still HAVE TO SEE appealing if it appears in a film - you are being guilefully seduced” JAWS!” Tension, pace, excite- THIS FILM. Endlessly mys- trailer. For that exciting propo- ment: all as lacking as they are terious, dazzlingly inventive, sition, with its galaxy of stars, is ubiquitous today. The game has absolutely terrifying. none other than Middlemarch, been waiting to see.” The point get are called ‘teasers’- you are advanced to a level where even unequivocally the most dire is that trailers create anticipa- being teased, guilefully seduced, Spielberg at the height of his 5) Mission Impossible 3 and turgid novel ever written. tion and comment, whatever and in the cinema (or in front of powers cannot compete. “Do you have a wife? Girl- Yet compare this (fictional) the demographic: comic-book your computer) no-one is there There is plenty to enjoy in friend? Whoever she is I’m trailer with the blurb on the geeks, excitable children tak- to expose this beautiful creature this process of being teased to going to find her, and I’m go- back of the Penguin edition: ing a break from their Wiis, for the hideous chick-boy she the point of exasperation; for ing to hurt her. Then I’m go- “George Eliot’s greatest work Cambridge students trawling will be revealed as when you people who know that Father ing to kill you right in front is a magnificent portrait of a YouTube for softcore shots of see the film. Christmas is the same guy of her.” Pure evil, then more provincial town and its inhabit- Britney when she wasn’t mental So be wary. When you next who’ll be berating your mother explosions and shouty bits ants. Encompassing society as – we’ve all been exposed, and all see Will Ferrell shout “Shake- at lunch the next day, perhaps than most people pack into a a whole and the struggles of been reducing to salivating, gib- speare’s haemorrhoids!”/ “Pint- the only really exciting antici- whole film. Just ace. the individual, it is a Victorian bering wrecks (a bit like Britney er’s vas deferens!”/ “Joyce’s peri- pation we get is in the build- masterpiece.” There’s more, but now, incidentally) who would do neum!” as he is savaged by a ups to our Summer 2008s and 4) The Dark Knight why go on? You had me at “pro- ANYTHING for it to be Sum- bear/raped by a midget/punched our Coming Soons. And don’t You’ve seen it. He’s got vincial town”. mer 2008 (when is summer? by someone in a wheelchair, just get me wrong – I love trailers. knives! And he’s got a bike! No arrangement of written Is it June? July? Does global think to yourself that maybe his I love the jump-cuts, and the And that bird you sort of words will ever approach the warming mean it will come latest sports pastiche will not spooky disembodied voices, and fancy off of Secretary is in dizzying sensory overload we sooner?) and to be able to see give you the hours of mirth that the swelling soundtracks, and it! And it’s called The Dark are subjected to every time we the film in its entirety. And we the trailer seems to offer. Will the explosions, and the shout- Knight! Words cannot explain go to the cinema; the gen- discuss it with each other, and Sex and the City really offer ing, and the way you get what the excitement. iuses who make trailers have whip ourselves into even more you that much more sex (no one you think are the end credits somehow made us judge – and of a frenzy. cares about the city) now that and then one more big shock 3) The Matrix buy – whatever books they But here’s the thing. When it it’s that little bit longer? No, it right before the end so you run Before they went and ruined are selling based only on the does come to be Summer 2008 won’t, but that swing version of out into the lobby and pre- the whole thing, this was SO briefest glimpses at their covers. (is it summer now?), The Dark the title music and shot of Car- book your tickets months in exciting. We’re told to “forget Take The Dark Knight, which Knight will be a bit of a disap- rie in her underwear certainly advance (“So tell me. Summer everything you know”; after has certainly got me childishly pointment. Not crushing – not makes you think otherwise. 2008. When exactly is that?”). I two minutes we can only echo excited, and seems to have had Spider-Man 3 – but still, just People say that the trailers just don’t want you to be hurt, Neo as his eyes are opened: the same effect on zillions of not quite what you expected. are the best bit of going to the that’s all. Be aware that the “Woah.” hairy-palmed obsessives else- The acting will be stellar, the cinema for the very good reason slickness and pace and tension where. Posters on IMDb – it’s a set-pieces outstanding, but it that, in terms of the short-term of it is impossible to replicate 2) Knocked Up bit like Facebook, but with films will not deliver on the adren- effect they have on us, they are over two hours, and that, “I’m pregnant.” “Fuck off… – ask questions ranging from aline-soaked promise of the 2 the best bit. They’re brief and aesthetically, a slower pace and With a baby?”. Sets the tone the understandably specific minutes and 4 seconds of trailer shallow and noisy and full of depth of characterization will perfectly for the film; AND (reevesdamn’s “So is the Joker because that would be impossi- sex and drugs and violence – actually make it a better film. you don’t have to endure the in this one the acid-transformed ble. The whole point of a trailer basically everything you want If you crave shallow, momen- infamous baby-delivery shot. version?”) to the irrelevant is to take you on such an in- Atonement to be but know, even tary thrills, the cinema isn’t (“godhatesireland.com” by tense, brief thrill-ride that you before the requisite period-dra- as ideal for you as you might 1) The Blair Witch Project fluke-69) to the interestingly cannot wait to get on board the ma strings kick in, you’re never think – realise that the only A key component of one of blunt (pmtaran nervously asks longer version. A good trailer going to get. On one hand, it’s thing that will ruin The Dark the most innovative publicity “What now with Heath Ledger has the same aim as a good an appalling indictment of our Knight is not Heath Ledger’s campaigns in film history. I dead?”). The point is not that stripper: to promise the world, society that we need thrills that death, but your expectations. am so, so scared right now… Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 21 Money can’t buy you art The Arts Council has announced significant cuts in the projects it funds.Pascal Porcheron discovers why

he Arts Council, in trying order to survive, and to continue to to cope with the unsolvable play a role in the education of its Tproblem of unlimited wants fac- inhabitants. ing limited resources, has had to Perhaps the Council should look choose which art they value most at more than just audiences, and on some slippery criteria. It’s not see that the best way of increas- easy to make value judgements ing diversity is by supporting about art, but this is what they the institutions that are already have tried to do, to the effect that implementing suggested changes. their search for ‘excellence’ has As Kate Flannery, an Arts Theatre led to the removal of funding for spokeswoman says, “The grant nearly 200 organisations, deemed, will affect some of our non-com- it can only be assumed, no longer mercial activities, such as being excellent enough. able to offer free workshops to One of the Council’s main schools and putting on work from concerns was the need to open up new playwrights.” access in the arts to groups that Removing the grant will mean have traditionally not participated. less student theatre and contem- Perhaps this explains the decision porary dance at the Arts and the to remove the Cambridge Arts loss of a high-profile platform for Theatre’s £176,000, whilst the Ex- the very people the Council would eter Northcott has lost three times help. this amount. Both organisations Art must be accessible, but it are currently undertaking major cannot be compromised into being refurbishment, relying partially consumer-led. “High standards ping art from stagnating, and no- The crack supposedly represents smaller ones with more experi- on the long-standing grants that and accessibility can go hand one wants to stifle the emergence the schism caused by racism in mental programmes, and everyone they had received. Whether or not in hand,” says culture secretary of new ideas with strict rules the Western World. But it could at least understands. However, they do enough to merit a grant, it James Purnell. Perhaps they can, about what is and isn’t ‘excellent’. just as easily be representative of many small companies, even those smacks of insensitivity. but surely the point of funding is The problem is that innovation the tangible divide between the that tour deprived areas and Both, however, had been warned to allow things that are underval- is being valued over aesthetics. artist and the real world. We are schools, have also lost their grant. about “static” audiences, a euphe- ued by the consumer to survive. Instead of being a function with in danger of wearing the emperor’s One Manchester company was mism for a lack of diversity. The Otherwise, we may as well pocket which to change the rules it is a new clothes. even told it was because theirs first ominous sign of the Council’s the cash and watch Strictly Come rule in itself. What results is a In any case, these questions was too small to be viable. intentions towards the Cam- Dancing instead. form of gimmickry, whereby one’s probably weren’t as important We cannot envy the Arts Council bridge Arts came in August, when The Government hopes to bal- initial reaction to a piece of art is to the Council as they would like mandarins their positions: balanc- front-of-house staff were asked ance this accessibility by encourag- king: “wow that’s different.” us to believe when they styled ing commercial interests with to monitor audiences by age, sex ing innovation above all else. The If the Arts Council is serious themselves as progenitors of a new artistic ones is hard enough for and ethnicity. Given Cambridge’s ten most innovative organisations about improving the Arts environ- renaissance. This was Purnell’s theatre owners and directors, let demographics the results were will be given a ten-year funding ment, then it should play closer spin on what looks more like a bit alone for public figures who are unsurprising. Nevertheless, the package to help them realise their attention to some of the largest of opportunistic financial re-jig- by definition removed from the Council is not wrong to try to potential. At the end of the day institutions. The Turbine Hall in ging. The council removes funding front line. But a more coherent ensure the theatre remains repre- the Cambridge Arts put on one too the Tate Modern has had a seismic to some large organisations that line of reasoning and a more open sentative. The theatre must be a many knockabout farces. crack torn down the middle of its should be able to stand on their process of decision-making are place for the whole community in Innovation is essential in stop- floor as part of a new exhibition. own feet, and tries to support essential. Military Action Imogen Walford reminds us there’s nothing wrong with political theatre, as long as it entertains nyone for devised theatre on the ratio of those who owned wankier than it sounds, if you The theatre provides a commu- to enter the realm of questions about the fall-out of nuclear land to the amount they owned were wondering). Brook’s US was nal space where political matters about the right of Art to re-imag- war?A At the ADC? Possibly your (the inequality has increased since a seminal piece of political theatre. can be reflected on – just think ine global suffering and inequality. idea of esoteric intellectual wank, the 70s). But for theatre-goers to It certainly echoed a zeitgeist of of the Athenian festival. Theatre- As the philosopher Adorno stated, possibly your idea of good theatre, equate political theatre with a par- youthful anti-war feeling. It may makers aren’t elected, they don’t “writing poetry after Auschwitz is The Burning of Carthage was a ticular politics, for theatre practi- well have contributed to it. But have a right to tell us what to barbaric”. But fear of barbarism Cambridge production transferred tioners to insist on this bias and, anyone who thinks that we didn’t think and do. But as members of shouldn’t lead theatre makers to the National Student Drama most particularly, for critics to fill go to war because of US should society, they can provide a forum away from creativity into a glori- Festival – thirty years ago. Now, space with ‘where’s the right-wing for discussion. The Colour of Jus- fied news programme. The most political theatre is notable only in political theatre’ articles is plain tice, a reproduction of the Stephen extraordinary, world-altering piece its absence from the Cambridge reductionist and silly. The strong- When political Lawrence inquiry, pushed ques- of theatre I’ve ever seen was by stage. But is this a sign that stu- est political theatre in the last tions of racism and corruption in Mnouchkine’s Theatre du Soleil dents are apathetic or is it in fact few years has stepped away from theatre remembers the police force into the audience’s company. In a play that had taken a problem in how political theatre party affiliations. Particularly face. The impact it had on those two years to put together and itself is perceived? when a Labour government took what it really is, it watching was clear: night after ran for over six hours in total, There is of course the good argu- us into a war that is now pretty night, the audience rose with the the actors made you imagine ment that all theatre is ‘political’. roundly condemned, it makes no has real value actors in the Inquiry’s moment of what it was like to undertake a We’re smug Said readers now: you sense to label an anti-Iraq play as quiet for Lawrence. The theatre refugee’s journey. They built up can barely hear Austen under the ‘leftie’. is one of the few public places left tableaux of imagined characters, screams of all those slaves. But, It’s this confusion of political have their head checked. where people can come together in each performed in the appropriate life is short and Varsity articles are theatre with politics that also Political theatre cannot be and this way. language. And in so doing, they shorter, so whilst accepting that leads to criticisms of it for not shouldn’t try to be politics. It’s But in making this space for de- shifted the discourse of refugees Ayckbourn does indeed equate to ‘making a difference’. Reports when political theatre remembers bate and reflection, political thea- away from the dichotomy of vic- the thrall of the bourgeoisie, I’m of theatre’s efficacy are greatly what it really is – theatre – that it tre practitioners also shouldn’t shy tims in their country and aliens in talking about Political Theatre exaggerated: there is a reason why has real value. Dictatorial Theatre away from the fact that theatre is ours, into the events in between. It with a capital P. David Hare is not Prime Minister. is Deadly Theatre: but rather than Art. The previous three plays I’ve was imagined politics, but it was The problem with Political But some theatre practitioners try and change the world, theatre cited are all examples of ‘verbatim’ political none the less. Theatre is its popularly miscon- do seem to think that David Hare can distil it into a comprehensible political theatre; this gets closes to The theatre is one of the most ceived equation with Left-Wing should be Prime Minister. In the form. The production Guantanamo being documentary film, reproduc- exciting art forms - it’s there to Theatre. It’s true the great gods run-up to the Iraq war, a meeting presented the audience with ac- ing exact transcripts of events on make you look again at the world, of the form - Bertolt Brecht, Joan was held in London of part anti- counts from inmates in the prison the stage. It’s a powerful form – to question your role in it and all Littlewood, John McGrath and war protest, part eulogy of Peter and their lawyers. It was informa- but it’s not the only way theatre in an immediate, creative environ- the Red Ladder Theatre - didn’t Brook’s 60s anti-Vietnam play, tion that would have been given can do politics without playing ment. It’s not just that ‘all theatre exactly favour the free market. US – the message seemed to be two sound-bites in a newspaper, dictator. is political’, it’s worth remember- The purpose was in the name of that we need a play to come and fully outlined in front of you. It In allowing the theatre to be ing that theatre has the capacity McGrath’s 7.84 company, based save us from Blair (it was even was powerful – and informative. creative about politics, one starts and the right to be political. Arts Editor: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday February 1 2008 22 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Meet Count Arthur Strong Radio 4’s Top of the Pops king of reminiscence As Art Brut reach Cambridge on their quest for world domination, frontman Eddie Argos talks to Oli Robinson and Hugo Gye about love and German professors

Hello, Count Arthur. o you ever get the feel- were writing People in Love called ‘The Depressive Dandy: who owned it found out and Good morning, afternoon or ing that things were I had just broken up with the lyrics of Eddie Argos’. got in touch. She said she was evening because I don’t know just a little bit more ex- a girlfriend and the lyrics The professor suggested that moving to Spain and we could what the time is when you’re Dciting when you were young- were really miserable, but as our first album was a concept have it when she left.” If only reading this. er? When you fell in love it time went on I kept chang- album according to the Bir- it had worked out. Please introduce yourself. was always completely head ing them to make them less mingham hypothesis – I just Break-ups provide Argos Count Arthur Strong. You over heels in love; when you depressing.” He says that nodded and smiled. In France with much of his material, should know that! It was you got dumped it was like the his song-writing is cathartic: I’ve heard they use the lyrics and he briefly played the role who got in touch with me. end of the whole world? Eddie “you write about your prob- of Moving to LA to teach peo- of relationship counsellor Have you been to Cam- Argos, lead singer of Art Brut, lems until they don’t bother ple English!” during gigs. “I used to give bridge before? thinks so. He wrote the song you any more”. A bit like a Moving to LA, with its relationship advice during I changed trains there in Emily Kane about a girlfriend stand-up comedian then? “Yes refrain of “I’m considering Emily Kane but people would 1968. And do you know I’ve he had when he was a teenag- exactly. In fact I’m writing a a move to LA”, expresses a come up and say things like never forgotten the rest of this er. “Other girls went and oth- song about just that at the sentiment many Englishmen ‘We re-met and we’ve had sentence. er girls came, I’m still in love moment.” His favourite come- have felt (although perhaps loads of babies’, so I gave Have you got a message with Emily Kane,” he sings. dian is Stewart Lee: “I wanted its conclusion of “I’ll be drink- up and started saying ‘Don’t for the youngsters at the So was he hoping she would to see if we could do a tour ing Hennessy with Morris- listen to advice’. And then I University? hear the song? “Oh definitely,” with him but our manager sey” is a little less universal). realised that was just stupid, Eat your greens and do all he says in a surprisingly shy, said ‘No. People already think “I was sitting in a pub in so I stopped.” your sums. Stop shoplifting. mumbling way, “When I wrote Art Brut are a joke band, you the rain feeling miserable So that is where we leave it. Tell us about your own that song I really was still can’t tour with a comedian!’” and lonely and wished I was Pop songs might help you out childhood. in love with Emily Kane. I Although some people see somewhere hot. Ironically, my of an emotional rut but they I ate all my greens, did all thought she’d hear it and we’d Art Brut as a joke, others girlfriend comes from LA so can’t necessarily provide the my sums and didn’t shoplift get back together and get definitely do not. “In Ger- I am actually now properly answers. As we leave he holds a Dinky toy car every Fri- married or something. In fact, many some students told us considering a move to LA!” So a cup of tea and some Jaffa day. I wish I had them now. I had a drink with her last that they were studying us he wouldn’t fancy somewhere cakes in one hand and holds I saw someone on the An- night. It’s fine now but it was at university. We thought in the UK, then? Not even the door open for us in the tiques Roadshow with some, a little bit strange at first. they were joking, but then a Cambridge? “Well actually, I other. He is a very nice man. the other day and they were The first time I saw lecturer from Berlin Uni- just saw the Portland Arms Go out and buy both their worth a bloody fortune. I had her since I was versity came up to us over the road. I used to have albums please. the removal van one. fifteen she came after a gig and told us a girlfriend from Cambridge Art Brut’s gig at the Junction How did you get started in backstage at a he teaches a course and we would joke in inter- is reviewed on page 25. show business? gig and asked views about My mother and father had to see me – buying it. a variety act together. He our manager We weren’t played the saw and she sang didn’t believe really Knees Up Mother Brown. It’s her when she serious in the blood, so to speak. I was told him what but the playing the spoons at three! her name was.” wom- Have you ever met the Was it really em- an Queen? barrassing then? I’ve met the Queen on many “Well we got occasions and we always have talking and she a little laugh and a word about reminded me that her sausage dogs. I have it she used to walk on good authority that her me back to my and her mother are one of the house every night biggest fans of my wonderful and then had to radio series. I went to Windsor walk all the way Castle once as well, on a coach back to hers. I trip, and it looked lovely there. had this tiny girl What do you think of the X walking me home. Factor? I insisted that I I like the little fat one in it. must have walked What is your favourite, her at least once, and least favourite book? but apparently My favouritest book is not.” They didn’t get Through It All I’ve Always back together. Laughed. My wonderful Where does his inspira- autobiography of myself I tion come from now that done. It really is a marvellous he’s lost his erstwhile read. It’s just the sort of book muse? “Writing is all about I enjoy as well. And it’s only honesty really. I just want to £7.99 ono. An ideal read for write about how I feel. When students they tell me, to bring them on. Other than that, anything with a post mortem in it. My least favouritist book is anything by her with the funny teeth. I can’t remem- Ian Patel On Genius ber what her name is now. She talks right “jolly hockey The nature of genius, for all our wonderment at its work- ing this behaviour. Charles Babbage, in fine Newtonian sticks” and looks like she ings, can often strike us as perverse. Isaac Newton (about fashion, cooked himself in an oven for some minutes in or- smells of dogs. I’ve read them whom Pope proclaimed “Nature and Nature’s laws lay hid der to determine the effect on his mind. Michelangelo sel- all and they’re full of smut. in night,/God said, Let Newton be! and all was light.”) dom washed and Wittgenstein could be perversely moral- It’s outrageous! You can’t put once stuck a bodkin – a needle of the type used for sewing istic and solitary. Having determined no good reason why them down really. I got one leather – “betwixt my eye and the bone as near to [the] one shouldn’t eat tulips, William Empson started popping in the Oxfam shop for forty backside of my eye as I could.” He conducted this horrific great numbers into his mouth during a university dinner. pence. That’s not bad is it? It experiment merely to see what would happen – nothing, He was sick soon afterwards. William Butler Yeats was should have been £6.99 new. miraculously. Newton also stared at the sun for as long as a theosophist who communed with spirits and believed Count Arthur Strong - The he could bear in order to gauge the effect to his vision (he his poetic form would resurrect the eighth-century Gaelic Musical? is on at the Junction spent the next few days in a darkened room). Newton’s al- golden age. More often than not, he seemed desperately on Monday evening. chemical work with mercury may go some way to explain- insane. The lesson is simple: mere mortals, rejoice! Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 23

‘This is a bit much’ Carlos Reygadas is making waves in Mexican film, but don’t ask him about it. Ravi Amaratunga did... alking in to the Novotel in niscing about this, it isn’t until I Reygadas insists it was an easy de- Central London is a bit of a ask him about how he ended up cision, “It’s pretty simple: I wanted Wsoul-destroying experience, and becoming interested in film that a more exciting life. Don’t get me when I approached a tired, weary his eyes began to light up, and his wrong – I really liked my job, but and well-travelled Carlos Reyga- hands begin to unclasp his coffee working as a lawyer Monday to das, hidden in dark corner of the cup. “I actually only began to really Friday was far too straightforward, bar, stooped over a stale coffee and engage with cinema at the age of and it was mundane, and I guess hiding his head from the bustle of 15.” I asked what kind of stuff he I yearned for more physical work. journalists crowding around him, watched, aside from Goldfinger: I really believe in working with one could tell that the Novotel had “Not Mexican films! World cinema. your own two hands. I really like begun to get to him. Tarkovsky, for instance. His films the physical part of my job now, Reygadas is one of cinema’s were some of the first with which something which was impossible latest bright lights. Nominated I saw in my life in a different kind in law.” for Cannes in 2002 for his debut of way.” Luck seems to have been on the film Japon, and slated by some but Indeed, Reygadas’ works, slow side of the Mexican. “When I was adored by others for his contro- in pace but steeped in symbolism 25 or 26 and I decided to change, versial, blowjob-laden Battle in and spiritualism, are cinemati- I hadn’t filmed anything at all. I Heaven, Reygadas is a self-styled cally similar to many aspects of didn’t have a camcorder, camera auteur; young, brash and opinion- Andrei Tarkovsky’s films. But he is or anything like that. But I had to ated, but deeply passionate. He’s irritated by this comparison, and a get these images out of my head, led an eccentric life, ending up in now animated Reygadas exclaims, so basically I just left my job and Mexico City, a city for which he “Of course it’s a compliment but started making short films with a holds a lot of contempt, only after essentially what you do is what close group of people. After my first spending his early years at school you do and that’s it.” He doesn’t year of leaving law, I shot my first in England. want to be the next Tarkovsky, and film.” “The worst thing about York- is unconcerned about his legacy. “I Reygadas’ outsider perspective shire”, Reygadas begins, rolling his don’t care about anything because certainly means that he is a rare eyes, “was that it was cold. Really I believe films are only worth bright light in an industry full of cold.” Aside from the weather, analysing seriously after 20 or 25 carefully-preened, bullshit-speak- however, England provided few years. It’s certainly far too early ing and artistically unambitious formative experiences for him: to say anything about mine. Who directors, many of whom were also “I don’t think I watched one film knows, in 25 years I may have in town for the London Film Festi- when I was out there. Oh wait. disappeared completely, and that val and who seemed very at home Maybe James Bond.” Sport was his will be the true test for me.” in the swanky hotel. By contrast, thing back then and, though you One reason for Reygadas’ Reygadas is deeply uncomfortable wouldn’t be able to tell from his detachment is because, having in the fickle glitz and glamour and worn and wiry frame, the Mexican worked as a lawyer for several so, even as I gear up for my next filmmaker actually ended up play- years, he remains an outsider question, he’s already begun to ing rugby for his national side. in the cinematic world. It seems stand up. “I’m sorry,” he tells me. Yet, whilst he laughs when remi- like a strange career change, but “This is all a bit much.”

Great Works of Art at Cambridge #3: Fox by Henri Gaudier-Brzeska Kettle’s Yard

he attic in Kettle’s Yard ite, Fox, could not have been. sketched him a hundred times. is a charming refuge. Low I’ve googled; I’ve searched the But the most striking part is Tceilinged and well lit, there are library at Kettle’s Yard; I’ve in- the fox’s tear, ready to fall from chairs and books and space to terrogated the lovely staff there his eye. think. But best of all, this is – but I can find no information When I first found him, it was where my favourite drawings on Fox. before the fox-hunting ban, and reside. Part of me agrees with one of for research purposes only, I On your right, at the top of the curators there: “Well”, he had myself just been on a hunt. the winding narrow staircase, said, “I suppose it’s just a fox”. The fox’s blood was, so to speak, are several plainly framed Yes, but have you ever seen a still on the cheek which had drawings of animals by Henri more heartbreaking fox? There been blooded. Then there was Gaudier-Brzeska. Of course, is no base yet he sits elegantly this fox, just sitting there and you wouldn’t know they were upright, legs tucked in and crying. by him, not just because the slightly hunched, taking up the Now, I’m not particularly po- art in Kettle’s Yard is unnamed whole piece of paper. litically active, and nor am I a and undated, but because these In profile he stares in to the sentimentalist, but I did consid- drawings are miles away from distance, as if sitting for Gaud- er buying this postcard in bulk his better-known sculptures, ier-Brzeska only. Occasionally and dropping it all over the which‘This were made in the heart isof the thinall line of brown a ink has shires. Fair enough, urban foxes Vorticism. Unlike those roughly bled, the line is fragmented but are filthy, skinny overgrown carved Cubism-influenced it somehow has the feel of be- vermin, but this one is beauti- works, Gaudier-Brzeska’s very ing continuous. There are some ful. Never before have I seen an simple animal drawings are dirty marks on the page, pos- animal drawn with such tender- made with graceful and econom- sibly from un-precious fingers. ness. Go and see him, and I dare ical lines. He is so sensitively drawn, and you not to feel the twinge of a Manybit were made frommuch.’ visits although it looks effortless, tear yourself. to London Zoo. But my favour- I’m sure the artist must have Anna Trench Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday February 1 2008 24 REVIEW [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

view from the All the Ordinary Angels The Gnädiges Fräulein groundlings ADC ADC Dir: Anna Marsland Dir: Ollie Evans Theatre Theatre ★★★★★ ★★★★★

1980s Manchester. Bullish genuine light, warmth, and The word tragicomedy should the wine bottle and trespassing Rocco and ‘naff’ underdog a rare unpretentiousness. induce vertigo. It just says into the action, have conviction. Lino must compete for their This is further enhanced by too much to take in at once. Not a single performance has retiring father’s ice cream many superb visual touches. Therefore, when Tennessee been left uncertain, and every- Judging from the roaring success business. New girl Lulu takes Lulu blows gorgeous bubbles Williams added vaudeville thing feels right. of Over the Bridge last week, up with Lino before seducing for Lino by the canal; Rocco burlesque and slapstick, with This, however, is where the which elicited from the audience the married Rocco. What is boasts that ‘global warm- a dash of pop art, to the genre, production falters. Its slick- not only rapturous applause and the powdery secret ingredient ing is a god-send for the ice you would think people would ness never quite captures the shrieks of delight, but a standing of Lulu’s celebrated ‘Angelato’ cream man’ and manically leave it alone; but fortunately disturbing, uncertain nature of ovation quite unlike anything I that causes euphoria and sprays aerosol deodorant into not. Bouncing wildly between Williams’ play, its most sublime had seen in that theatre before, chemical addiction? the night; when it does fall all these elements, The Gnä- moments being, sadly, fleeting. the groundlings dig a gig. Nay, In trying to find a new from the defunct factory ven- diges Fräulein is like theatre Kesterton’s bone-chilling groan, they absolutely love it. Now, the take on gelato, dependence, tilation system, the hidden in a particle accelerator. Ollie as the blind and broken Gnä- problems and some virtues of and betrayal, All the Or- cocaine is weirdly beautiful. Evans’ production grips this diges Fräulein, reaches deep musical theatre have famously dinary Angels never quite Headed by Ade O’Brien as disparate mass in both hands into the audience but fails to been bandied about in this succeeds in marrying its Papa, a terrific cast also do but arguably holds on too tight. truly penetrate. Her haunting column before, but there has tragic and comic elements. much to bring out the subtle- The look and feel of the show eyes staring out of the hang- been less discussion about music Perhaps we’re overly alert ty in the characters. As Roc- is hard to fault. The strik- ing window at the Venetian itself. But, “Sacrilege!” I hear to the sinister, but “Children co’s wife Bernie, a part that ing, prison-stripe dresses of masked birdman are so swiftly you cry: “this is about plays, not hospitalised after overdosing might have been overlooked, Polly and Molly which hide removed that to blink is to miss concerts! Shakespeare’s ground- on cocaine laced ice cream” is Becky Homer dominates the lust and barbarism of the them. In her blind eyes, ever lings queued for the theatre uncomfortably reminiscent of the production with quiet characters beneath, are in open, we see the suffering that floor, not for a prototype Baroque a Daily Mail shocker. When pathos. Bernie’s problem is stark contrast to the clash- is the antithesis of the artificial mosh pit!” Yes yes, I know. There juxtaposed with coke pour- that she has nothing to do: ing circus-style colours of the chatter of Molly and Polly. It is are many out there who seem ing from the skies, characters she is a childless stay-at- carnival of “personages”. The a pity we get such little chance inexplicably keen to maintain hiding in ice cream vats and home-mum with a husband onstage musicians add, hugely, to meet her gaze. divisions in the arts, and it is a references to the Poll Tax who would rather smash up to the atmosphere, creating Evans’ production intelli- sorry truth that many of our gen- riots it is unclear whether the garden for pseudo-relics something reminiscent of gently manages the many fac- eration are more used to going to the playwright is attempting of the Berlin Wall than let Kneehigh’s early theatre. The ets of the play. The clowning is the theatre than to the concert black comedy, farce or socio- her close enough to help him. set, simple but well designed, well staged alongside the con- hall; you only have to look at the political comment. Her dogged commitment to works well with the division of stant babble of dialogue. Physi- sea of grey that fills the Royal In her clear and sensitive the family means that she the action, isolating the board- cal and vocal performances Festival Hall to understand the direction Anna Marsland is inevitably trampled and ing house, like an open televi- are convincing. The Gnägides concerns of professional musi- does much to solve this overlooked. A scene in which sion set, whose frame sets the Fräulein is thought-out and cians that they might soon be out confusion: she surrenders to Bernie is saddled with sack- voyeuristic tone of the play. well-balanced. Unfortunately, of a job if their audience dies. and embraces the inherent ing Lulu (Jess Crawford) and The performances, similarly, such control serves to blunt the But surely it’s all just a ques- kitsch of the plot and setting. accidentally uncovers her are strong. The admirable vocal madness and suffering that tion of habit: people aren’t pro- Set on a stage strewn with affair with Rocco is utterly and physical energy of Jazz simmered beneath the surface. grammed to like theatre more pastel ice cream boxes, this is excruciating and pitched Jagger and Kate Le Versha sus- The wild spirit of Williams than music (indeed, maybe the a world which is part fairy- with perfect timing by both tains the frenetic dialogue and never truly boilsover onto the opposite is closer to the truth), tale. Here lines like “I’m not actors. Playwright Nick Tom Edwards, Patrick Walshe unsuspecting audience leaving and whilst we hear much talk Lois Lane, I’m Kryptonite” Leather might almost have McBride and Natalie Kester- a play that, although strong of Cambridge’s flourishing have an unreal charm and got more mileage out of this ton’s physicalised performances in so many ways, never quite musical community, we don’t the good can triumph with- storyline than the ice cream exhibit essential menace and achieves the laughter or the seem to nurture it enough: the out irony or cynicism. As a factory itself. playfulness. Even the musi- tears that it deserves. West Road Concert Hall is like result, the production exudes Isabel Taylor cians, cheekily passing round James Walker totally on the wrong side of the Cam, sweetie. No-one is asking that clas- sical concerts take over the As a theatregoer in this town, acting rendered the overtly however, is deferred to the last ADC, not least because it would After the End every now and then you tense music, self-consciously scene, in which the vulner- cause outrage amongst those encounter a production that heralding the violence to ability that we glimpse earlier keen to preserve dramatic Corpus Christi makes you sit up and stare – come, unnecessary. was fully displayed with ar- space for drama only (after all, and feel a bit like you’ve been Patrick Warner gives a resting sensitivity and poign- space is limited: just look at the Playroom punched in the chest. This was consummate performance as ancy. Furthermore, both actors packed-out programmes of the certainly the case with After Mark, handling his character’s are receptive to the bleak Fitzpatrick Hall, Homerton Au- the End, which captivates oscillation between tyrannical humour of their characters’ ditorium, Emmanuel Queen’s its audience as its dark and oppressor and little-boy victim situations, and the occasional Building – or not), there is huge desperate vision of humanity’s with giggle from the audience only potential to incorporate more concurrent frailty and brutal- served to accentuate the hor- ‘popular’ music evenings (jazz, ity unfolds over ninety ror of the plot. barbershop, blues...) into what minutes. In his director’s notes, will remain a predominantly After the End David Brown claims dramatic programme. Last fully exploits that Kelly’s text was Tuesday the audience went the Playroom’s “the most trusted mad; surely, if nothing else, it potential for an entity in the is an easy way to sell out and atmosphere of rehearsal room”, replenish the theatrical coffers. almost unbear- a statement I would be one of the first to able intensity: which we come to defend the cause of theatre to the already understand after the hilt, but theatre is already claustrophobic witnessing the nurtured here, whilst music space is trans- dialogue, wrought hasn’t reached the masses in the formed into a as it is with ten- same way, which is a shame for hotbox of psychosis sions, frustrations and both performers and audiences. and confrontation. pathos. But while this Playroom and Amateur Dra- Indeed, the force and jase taylorscript leaves any company matic Company they may be, brutality of some scenes had with a potentially powerful but the fact remains that there me glancing at the door for sus- – and shocking – production are only so many venues in reassurance of its fiction. I tained emotional commitment. on their hands, a play such Cambridge which really attract was taken way out of my the- Mark’s moments of unabashed as this requires ambition regular large audiences, and atrical comfort zone by this sexual insecurity are perhaps and maturity to do it justice. anyone who claims that theatre production, and I was grateful more terrifying than the ac- David Brown clearly has both inherently has a better claim Dir: David Brown that its unswerving pace did tion of the play, and this is in serious measure. After the to this privilege than music is a not allow me to slip back in. entirely to Warner’s credit. End is one of those rare of- surely a shining example of the Theatre Its many blackouts deny the Abigail Rokison’s perform- ferings that you really can’t ignorance bred by our failure to audience any breathing space, ance as Louise is also accom- afford to miss. give musicians a chance. ★★★★★ although the strength of the plished. Her finest moment, Grace Jackson Alex Reza Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEW 25

albums every right-minded person Literature Art Brut should own Poem of the Week The Graduate Gig ★★★★★ That windows could salt shut, tense, frames, wood and the tendons Art Brut’s first gig in Cambridge chatting vocals over the rest clasped with effort, got off to what could have easily of the band, his unpretentious facing to the sea. been a flat start, with a techni- charm and unfaltering energy cal hitch worthy of Spinal Tap. won over the crowd. Likewise, It took a handful of water for the footing This time the over-enthusiastic the rest of the band didn’t just to disappear, if only to let in a little smoke machine outdid itself; go through the motions, but air, to breathe in salt and for words 20 seconds into their first song played with a mad-eyed inten- to reach their place, joined and grounded. and Art Brut had disappeared sity or else with Argos’ infec- Rum Sodomy & the The mist is settling in, unfolding, the fingers behind a thick cloud. tious limb-flailing fervour. Lash stiffen, the figures on the shore removed. Fortunately, this posed no It is this enthusiasm that is the hindrance. In fact it started best thing about an Art Brut gig; The Pogues frontman Eddie Argos off on they are genuinely responsive to What form finds home, it is so hard, an unstoppable quipping spree, their audience. Not only did they Every Christmas we celebrate to return from what departure made. from his faux facetious com- play most of their back catalogue, two things: Jesus and Fairy- plaint that the band couldn’t as well as brand new songs, they tale of New York. Yet it is a Luke Roberts find their instruments, to song improvised on many numbers. shame that the Pogues are links such as “This is our second Argos frequently made up and overwhelmingly known for biggest hit. It was in the top updated lyrics: rather than just one (admittedly brilliant) ten in loads of countries. I don’t exhorting us all to “stay off the song. have time to go into it now but crack” as usual, they offered their Because before bad teeth, The Mars Volta one of them was Korea.” best wishes to Amy Winehouse. drinking tales and festive Despite the difficulty of hear- Crowd-pleasers, every time. numbers ate their reputa- The Bedlam in Goliath ing Argos’s half-singing half- Izzy de Rosario tion like a monkey galumph- ing down a particularly taut banana, the Pogues released Album this wonderfully idiosyncratic ★★★★★ album. Rum Sodomy & the Lash is very unusual; it com- bines Irish folk and punk but surpasses all expectations by The Bedlam in Goliath is the actually making it listenable. fourth album released by the Within this folk/punk brief Mars Volta since the split of Shane MacGowan and his At the Drive In. It was in- laddish yet delicately talented spired by a Ouija board which bandmates show great in- scared the wits out of lyricist novation - no two tracks sound Cedric Bixler-Zavala and even vaguely similar. producer/lead guitarist Omar The opener, The Sickbed of Rodriguez-Lopez on tour. Yet Cuchulainn is quintessential even the most astute textual Pogues fare; an Irish drinking critic would be hard pressed to song sung with venom and discover this from the lyrics. played at a breakneck speed, “I get the sweats from you evoking a mythical Ireland of listening, primordial cymatics poteen and emerald hillsides. giving birth into reverse, ser- at best. His annoyingly tight The rollicking instrumen- ated mere ephemera undo her metal style rinses the album of tal Wild Cats of Kilkenny is mother’s curse”, anyone? The any rhythmic subtlety. Yes, he played with all the momentum point is perhaps that nobody can play the drums loud, fast and aggression of a whis- gets the meaning of the album, and consistently, but so can key-fuelled hurling match, not even Cedric himself. my drum machine. His bass whilst the sumptuous ballad Musically, the album differs drum and the accompanying The Courteneers I’m a Man You Don’t Meet little from their previous ef- chugging guitar drowns out Every Day slows things down fort, Amputechture, in its con- all the nuances which brought The Graduate like a speed camera, Cait densed intensity. The sprawl- their previous albums to life. O’Riordan’s ethereal voice ing arrangements of their first The band contains saxophon- making a welcome contrast two albums are not matched ists, keyboard players and Gig to Shane’s raspy growl. The on The Bedlam in Goliath, and additional percussionists, but ★★★★★ Irish diaspora provides much instead centre stage is given to they are drowned out by the of the album’s inspiration, the overbearingly thick guitar; arrogant weightiness of the and Shane’s lyrical precision perhaps little wonder when guitar and drums. Lead singer of the Courteen- we’re gonna be around for allows him to inhabit both the guitarist/‘band leader’ is The vocals take a bizarre ers Liam Fray swaggered ages”, Liam claims. That the battered and abused Pic- producing the album himself. turn on this album. Cedric’s onto the stage at the Gradu- remains to be seen, but the cadilly rent boy of The Old Rather than allowing a song high pitched yelps and squeals ate fashionably late swigging Courteeners are at their best Main Drag, and the wounded to breathe through its kinks are less prominent and in- from two cans of Strongbow. cracking open a fresh can of Gallipoli veteran in the haunt- and turns, on this album the stead he relies on a throaty Mancunian through and lager, and breathing some ingly brilliant And the Band band prefers to troop through lower register to deliver his through, from the beard to new life back into rock and Played Waltzing Matilda. identical overbearing riffs. absurdities. Perhaps his voice the abrasive attitude and roll, saying “Fuck you, I’m If you have ever complained Even the nine minute long has broken; in any case, the even that first name, it’s in- not from Sheffield”. about how generic pop music songs Cavlettas and Sooth- vocals for the song Tourniquet evitable that he has already On Fallowfield Hilbilly, can be, you owe it to yourself sayer contain no more than a Man sound like Cher at her been drawing comparisons which references Morrissey to buy this remarkable album. handful of identical sounding gruffest. to a certain Mr Gallagher. and slates indie kids, Liam Likewise if you still think motifs, interspersed with nov- The use of shifting styles, Their current single What sings “Can you play guitar/ that Razorlight are edgy and elty breakdowns. Maybe they genres and voices which Took You So Long fell a little Can you fuck.” The Cour- interesting. (But if you think have just run out of tricks? A enlivened previous Mars Volta flat, but the seventeen-year- teeners certainly give a good Michael Flatley is the great- bonus track of a Syd Barrett albums has been dropped in olds at the front of the crowd go. At one point someone est living Irishman, you can cover is just embarrassing – it favour of a semi-metal camp- didn’t seem to mind. They shouted out “Play Wonder- give it a miss.) Rum Sodomy & sounds like Green Day blast- ness which only serves to nar- also didn’t seem to notice wall.” Liam pauses for a the Lash came from nowhere ing out power chords with a row their appeal. The Bedlam that the next three songs second. “Dickhead. Who got and stands alone; a magical terrifying paedophile for a in Goliath tries so hard to sounded exactly the same. the bigger cheer?” They’ve alignment of Ireland’s folk front man. be ‘intense’ and appeal to an Songs like Acrylic and certainly got the swagger history and punk’s innova- The biggest musical depar- audience of guitar shop nerds Cavorting which put some (for which read arrogance), tion, expertly produced by ture for this album is the ap- that no space is allowed to melody behind the heavy but haven’t got the songs Elvis Costello to showcase the pointment of a new drummer. explore the loonier elements. wall of noise really get the yet. Mind you, that hasn’t band’s genuine musical finesse He is apparently a drumming If only they would slow down crowd going, “We’re not some bothered Oasis for their last and the poetic brilliance of prodigy, and as you would and trip out for a bit. shit indie band that’s gonna four albums. Shane MacGowan. expect his style is priggish Tom Hamilton fuck off in a few months, Henry Donati Robert Peal Lifestyle Editors: John Lattimore and Luciana Bellini Friday February 1 2008 26 VIEWLifestyle [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

Restaurant Review Tom Evans n De Luca ★★★★★ 83 Regent Street  ciana Johnny and Luciana show you how to few of you are spoiling this for their affectionate little noses into you might go were you caught work it for that crucial interview everybody else. the subtle moist moist sauce…” without a ticket (‘regretful rouge’, AI have on my bedside table a Which is inevitably problematic ‘mortifi ed mauve’ etc). When ‘food list of 57 people who regularly when you get to the eating stage: writers’ talk about colours, the complain to friends, to close fam- “…only to be shucked and embarrassing bombast of it all re- ppearances are important. for...) We swapped hoops for ily or just in their heads that wazzled into my guest’s mouthy minds me of this advert. I never Whatever you may have studs, swept Claire’s hair into this column ‘isn’t about the food’. mouth, screaming and screaming liked the advert. heard,A looking good on the a smart ponytail and switched Also on my bedside table are and crying for help.” Incidentally, I don’t like any of outside undeniably refl ects her black f***-me pumps for the following: a mouldy glass of Nor is this unheard of when the government projects in which how you’re feeling on the sophisticated tan hire-me water; a plastic coin with skull dealing in the vegetarian side the whole point is spending my inside. Nowhere is this more pumps(Hobbs, £99). Not only and crossbones on; a paper doily of things- the parmesan in my money on scaring me. The scari- important than at a interview. do they match her long golden that I like to put my laptop on as baked aubergine main was may- est letter I’ve ever read in my Round of applause please for legs, they also compliment her a joke when I work; Tom Clancy; be procrastinating, maybe just life came from the TV Licensing the fi rst of this term’s makeo- new sharper suit. Girls, don’t a pencil sharpener in the shape smiling; it was certainly set off by Agency. I’ve told them 12 times ver victims, Claire Bush. be afraid to get those pins out. of the world which set me back a well-judged fresh diced salad. that I don’t have a TV and they This before shot reminds Use your femininity to your £3 but I’ve never regretted it; a Then the question of structure still send me nasty post saying advantage. Look how much chewed plastic polar bear; a stain; and position. The biggest problem they know I’m pilfering their before more confi dent and command- a loaded revolver and a tome by here is with beds and islands. airwaves. They might as well put ing Claire looks in this slinky Dr Seuss. It is ‘Bartholemew and everyone in prison and be done pencil skirt and fi tted jacket the Oobleck’, and I have ordered Example A: There was an with it. I suspect the TVLA must (Reiss, £270). Sexy doesn’t 57 copies off amazon dot co dot island of balsamic vinegar in the be a very angry and suspicious have to mean slutty - we ukay. The moral of ‘Bartholemew’ sea of olive oil place to work. No doubt the wouldn’t recommend wearing is that you should be careful Example B: The heartwarm- employees spend a lot of time a skirt any shorter than this what you ask for, because you ing swordfi sh was nodding off in watching each other through but just above-the-knee looks might just get it. This week you a bed of green beans cracks in those grey offi ce cubicle great and, if your legs are as 57 get what you asked for. This Example C: There was an screens, and leave each other shapely as Claire’s, we can’t week I take a look at real food island of plate on the sea of table. memos saying they should expect see how anyone could turn you writing. Example D: The restaurant to be fi ned/ raided/ fi red at any down (Luciana wore a mini- Food writing has a number of was served on a bed of pavement moment. If the whinging 57 don’t skirt and cowboy boots to her problematic tendencies. The most keep schtum then I fear the last Cambridge interview. She’s not common is anthropomorphising So far nothing untoward. But of these fates will be my own. I’ve very smart.) the meal. My guest’s starter at then come the colours. Not so given you what you wanted. Now We traded Claire’s gross De Luca, for example: long ago there was an advert let me have my column. If you Debbie-does-Debenhams, tart/ “The mussels nestled presump- on the buses in London which want to read about food, read a old-fart shirt for a younger, tuously in their shells, poking had different shades of red that cookbook. crisper white vest. The sim- pler silhouette plus a clean, jewelry-free neckline draws Starters around £6, Mains around £10 attention up towards her face rather than down towards her e wine list starts at £11.95 (ample) bosom. Remember: no after BottomsUp

ine critics often consider projectile wine disposal habits. QUENCE RISKS ): Stories which themselves ambassadors Q.E.D.’ begin ‘I was really drunk Wfrom the states of science to and …’ rather merge into the kingdoms of Dionysus: chubby, PSUEDO -WINE -BUFFERY : familiar blur of Jesus-Horse- cherry-cheeked old men harp- When wining and dining a mounting and boxing with ing on about oxidisation rate beautiful damsel, a gentleman bouncers. However, it is worth and gustatial pleasures. It who simply opts for the second repeating that sipping more Johnny and Luciana of all is understandable really, if least expensive red or the than one glass of red a day can those poor dears lined up one is prepared to sacrifi ce second most expensive cham- lead to embarrassing misde- outside the senior tutor’s room an ocean-going yacht for a pagne will not impress. meanours, crippling hangovers 3 years ago - a miserable array bottle of 1787 Château Lafi te, Instead, identify an estab- and functional alcoholism. So of badly dressed interviewees, that one has the right to slur lished wine region and read really, the fabric of student quaking in their ill-fi tting about its percentage of organic up on its wines’ fl avours, life. suits. Needless to say, we molecules. histories, best years, famous- haven’t seen any of these un- However,it seems a little un- former drinkers and roll in de- OSTENTATION : Should your fortunate souls around Cam- necessary to consider fermen- feating communism. The more panegyric platitudes run dry, bridge... Take Claire’s saggy tation chronology when neck- the wine gives an opportunity the date need not be desert- jacket for example - doesn’t ing a bottle of Hardy’s in the for panegyric platitudes, the ed. It is an internationally she look a state! Shoulder pads queue to Life, especially when fi ner it will taste to the suit- recognised fact that girls like on a woman either make you one’s palette is smothered ably awed strumpet. pretty things, and should no look like a quarterback or one in cheeky vimtos and cheesy romantic sunset or Tiffany quarterpounder too many. This chips. Alternatively follow fi ve GLUGABILITY : When attend- tiara be at your disposal, is teamed with baggy-crotched, simpler requirements: ing formal, considerations of suggest a reconnoitre to your ankle-swinging trousers that taste, colour and cost all pale room where a bottle of suit- leave Claire looking like a bow- WALLET -TO -VOMIT RATIO : We against the importance of glu- ably ostentatious vintage legged clown. Coupled with have a lot to learn from the gability. Different wines suit will be residing. Find labels the botched blusher, one could ancients, and should embrace different drinking societies, adorned with gothic letters, never for reprimanded for such wisdom as: ‘The cheaper but general wisdom teaches originating from palatial thinking she was interviewing a wine is, the more likely it is one that a light, sweet rosé chateaus, with engraved corks for the cicus. She’s not. to be drunk at a formal. The will fl oat down your throat and gold-embossed glass. Fail- Matching cheap stilettos, cheaper a wine is, the more with ease. Alchemical mix- ing that, the gleaming pink gold hoop ghetto earrings and matter how smart the suit, no likely it is to come spilling tures involving chardonnay of Verve Clicquot Ponsardin tacky necklace will certainly one will be convinced if you’ve back up, swilling some half- and rioja are not an effective Rosé will surely have her not impress your prospective got the wrong body language. digested starter. Therefore the substitute. heart a-flutter with thoughts employer (unless it’s a differ- Shoulders back, chest out and more one goes to formal, the of romance. ent kind of job you’re going head up. Hired. more likely one is to develop CCR (CONSUMPTION CONSE - Guy Stagg Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/listings [email protected] VIEWListings 27 fi l m theatre music other going out Copenhagen Dinner Lightspeed Champion Wolfson Howler Fabio & Logistics Fri 25 Jan, Arts Tue 5th - Sat 9th Feb, Fri 1st, The Graduate, 19.30, £7 Mon 4 Feb, Wolfson College Thurs 7 Feb, Fez, 22.00-03.00, Picturehouse, 17.00 ADC Theatre, 19.45 Bar, 20.00, free for Wolfson £6 before 11/£7 after, £5 Remember Test Icicles? Quite residents/£6 everyone else advance A television adaption of An artist, a scientist and a possibly not; they didn’t last Michael Frayn’s celebrated sexpot are coming to dinner. very long. Anyway, Dev from The fi rst in a series of planned Fabio once invented a genre pick and award-winning stage Paige, hostess extraordinaire, that band has gone solo. He’s nights in which a famous funny called ‘Liquid Funk’. Sounds play about the meeting is celebrating the publication adopted the name Light- person comes to town and is a bit dodgy to me. He’s known between physicists of her husband’s best-seller speed Champion, found some supported by Cambridge’s as the Godfather of drum Niels Bohr and Werner about the psychological strings and a Uke, listened to fi nest. This week, Robin Ince n bass, a genre that lost of Heisenberg in 1941 apocalypse. Let the dinner some old country records and is at the head of the pack. its sense of funk long ago. Copenhagen. Not just for from hell begin. Like a Who’s made a rather nice record. I Ince is a rambling friend of Logistics is also a drum n bass nat-scis. Afraid of Virginia Woolf for think he’ll be good live. He’ll Gervais, and has won a Time producer, and a Cambridge the Noughties generation, Dinner probably have loads of dif- Out Award for Outstanding local. is a darkly comic play by the ferent bits of kit onstage and Achievement in Comedy. He’ll latest big name in theatre, one of these bits of clever gub- be joined by Pete Riley, Tom Moira Buffi ni. Featuring bins that loop live-recorded Evans, Abi Tedder, and Dave several live lobsters, this samples. Why not go along Ralfe. Chris Lander is Master won’t be for the squeamish. and fi nd out? of Chickens.

friday Cloverfi eld After The End Lightspeed Champion Claire Fox Silent Disco Vue, 12.00, 14.10, 16.20, 18.30, Corpus Playrooms, 12.00 The Graduate, 19:30, £7 Cambridge Union, 19.00-21.00, Queen’s, 21.00-00.45, £5 20.50, 23.10 The Grimm Tales members The rest is silence. Over Her Dead Body Corpus Playrooms, 19.00 See pick of the Week King’s Cellar Vue, 12.45, 15.00, 17.30, 20.00, All the Ordinary Angels Claire Fox, Director of the Drum and Bass with Sam- 22.20 ADC Theatre, 19.45 Institue of Ideas, will talk pleForce ans MC Mumblz, about freedom of speech. 22.00-01.00

saturday Alice In The Cities After The End Her Name is Calla Cambridge University Chapel King’s Cellar 1Arts Picturehouse, 21.00 Corpus Playrooms, 12.00 Man on the Moon, 20.00, £4 Brass Ensemble Fat Poppadaddy’s, 22.00-01.00 Battle for Haditha The Grimm Tales Trinity College Chapel, 20.30, Arts Picturehouse, 14.30, Corpus Playrooms, 19.00 Instrumental prog rock. All £8/£5, £3 for TCMS members 19.00 All the Ordinary Angels long builds, vacant eyes and Don’t Touch the Axe ADC Theatre, 19.45 guitar based onanism. CUCBR will play works by Arts Picturehouse, 12.00,16.20 Bach, Gabrieli and Musorgsky. sunday No Country For Old Men The theatre’s pretty boring Atila & His Musicians and Songs in the Dark The Sunday Service 2Arts Picturehouse, 17.30,20.30 anyway. But Vodka Revs is Lewis Wright Quartet Clowns, 20.00, free Twenty Two, 22.00-03.00 Juno good. West Road Concert Hall, 19.45, Vue, 11.30, 13.50, 16.10 £12/£8/£6 Acoustic music evening Penelope featuring Cambridge musicians. Vue, 11.10, 13.30, 15.40, 17.50 Jazzy American stuff. monday 3Don’t Touch the Axe Why not just stay in and Richard Hawley Wolfson Howler: Wolfson Col- Fat Poppadaddys Arts Picturehouse, 12.00, masturbate? Corn Exchange, 19.30, £17.50 lege Comedy Night Fez, 22.00-03.30, £3 before 11, 20.40 Wolfson College Bar, 20.00 £4 after Cloverfi eld My friend Ian likes Richard Book your tickets at wolfson- Vue, 12.00, 14.10, 16.20, 18.30, Hawley but he won’t go this [email protected] 20.50 gig even though he has a tick- et. Don’t you think he’s silly?

tuesday Over Her Dead Body American Eagle Athlete Momentary Momentum: Ebonics 4 Vue, 12.45, 15.00, 17.30, 20.00 Corpus Playrooms, 19.00 The Junction, 19.30, £16.50 Animated Drawings Fez, 22.00-03.00, £2 before 11, Copenhagen Rex Futurus Kettles Yard, 11.30-17.00, free £4 after Arts Picturehouse, 13.30 Round Church, 19.30 Apparently Athlete are a band. Sweeney Todd Dinner I think they have been around A survey of animated drawings Vue, 12.30, 15.20, 18.10, 21.10 ADC Theatre, 19.45 for a while. featuring work from 21 artists.

wednesday The Belles of St. Trinians Follies Travis Wine Society: Brundlmayer Funk Da Bar Presents... Jono 5Arts Picturehouse, 11.00 Tasting Cary ADC Theatre, 23.00 The Junction, 19.00, £17 Battle for Haditha Two Marias Upper Hall, Peterhouse, £7 Emma Bar, Emmanuel, Arts Picturehouse, 14.30, Corpus Playrooms, 21.30 Travis! You know? Driftwood? members/£10 non-members. 21.00-00.00, £2-£4 18.45 Rex Futurus Something about it always Congolese Rumba Party I Am Legend Round Church, 19.30 raining? No? Probably for the (CUSAFE) Former Fat Poppadaddys Vue, 16.40, 19.00 best. Old Library, Emma, 19.30-22.00 man spins an eclectic mix thursday6 The Marriage of Maria Follies Fuck Buttons This house believes that Fabio & Logistics Braun ADC Theatre, 23.00 The Graduate, 19.30, £6 hunting animals for sport is an Fez, 22.00-03.00, £5-£7 Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 Two Marias act of intolerable cruelty Juno Corpus Playrooms, 21.30 This ludicrous name doesn’t fi t Cambridge Union, 19.30-21.30 See pick of the week Arts Picturehouse, 12.15, American Eagle their music. You might imagine 20.45 Corpus Playrooms, 19.00 they’d be like punk or some- Features Otis Ferry and Dan 7 thing. They aren’t. Norris, among others. More... Theatre Music Going Out Free Stuff Little Malcolm The Malinke CUSAFE Congolese Songs in the dark and his Medley Rumba Party Free Music, Sun 3rd Struggle Sat 2nd Jan, Jan, Clown’s, 8pm Against the West Road Concert Wed 6th Feb Eunuchs Hall, 20:00 Emma Old Library, Les 400 Coups 19.30. £5 entry Free Film, Sun 3rd Tues 5th The Cambridge Jan, Fitzpat Hall, Feb, ADC University Chamber Cambridge University Queen’s, 8pm Theatre, 23.00 Orchestra present a Southern African Fund for performance of West Education invites you to an A strange kind of A Dynamic Erec- African Malinke poetry evening learning the Congo- Freedom tion, a Nipple and and music. Featuring lese Rumba with Theodore Film and Talk, Fri some eunuchs; the Gambian koramaster Menelik. Money raised sup- 1st Feb, LG17 Law recipe for a perfect Surahata Susso. ports education in the Demo- Faculty, 7pm night at the theatre. cratic Republic of Congo.

No one does cinema like bar room bar grafton centre • cambridge Corn Exchange Street, Cambridge CB2 3QF How was your da y? CLOVERFIELD (15) (1h45) Friday 1 Feb – Thursday 7 Feb CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR (15) (2h05) (NFT) (NFT) Daily 21.20 Daily 10.00 (Sat/Sun Only) I AM LEGEND (15) (2h) (NFT) Daily 16.40 12.00 14.10 16.20 18.30 (Not Sat/Sun) 19.00 Fri/Sat Late 23.45 20.50 Fri/Sat Late 23.10 P.S. I LOVE YOU (12a) (2h30) (NFT) Daily 14.40 17.40 20.30 PENELOPE (U) (1h50) (NFT) ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (U) (1h55) Daily 11.10 (Sat/Sun Only) Daily 11.50 (Sat/Sun Only) 14.20 16.40 13.30 15.40 17.50 20.15 Fri/ (Sat/Sun Only) ST. TRINIANS (12a) (2h) Daily 10.50* (Sat/ Sat Late 22.30 Sun Only) 13.20* (Not Sun) 15.50* (Not OVER HER DEAD BODY Mon) 18.20* (Not Mon/Tues) 20.40* Fri/Sat (12a) (1h55) Late 23.15* £ .50 Daily 12.45 15.00 17.30 ENCHANTED (PG) (2h10) Sat/Sun Only 11.40 20.00 Fri/Sat Late 22.20 THE GOLDEN COMPASS (PG) (2h15) SWEENY TODD – THE DEMON BARBER Sat/Sun Only 10.10 5 OF FLEET STREET (18) (2h20) (NFT) Daily any 12” pizza, 12.30 15.20 18.10 21.10 SUBTITLED PERFORMANCE: ALIEN VS PREDATOR: REQUIEM (15) ST. TRINIANS (12a) (2h) wrap or salad (1h55) (NFT) Daily 13.50 (Not Sat/Sun/ Sun 13.20* Tue 18.20* Tues) 16.10 (Not Sat/Sun) 18.45 21.00 Fri/ do Let’s Sat Late 23.30 and a drink book now on 08712 240 240 or online at www.myvue.com lunch 12-4 everyday Varsity ad 100x100 23/1/08 14:47 Page 1

Looking for work 4 B 0 e 0 n 0 this summer? e 11 t S 3 tr 23 ee 12 University of Cambridge International t ∙ C T:0 am QN We are the leading supplier to bridge ∙ CB2 3 Summer Schools can offer 4 - 7 weeks colleges, May Balls and student socs and parties. Party wines from work for senior Cambridge £2.99, over 200 single malts, Port, undergraduate and graduate students. Madeira, Claret, Absinthe, cans of WINTER WARMERS lager. If you can drink it, we sell it. £200 per week plus college accommodation. Free glass loan, free delivery, Hot Soup generous discounts, wholesale For details call network: 60850 accounts available for all CU Jacket Potatoes bodies, socs, clubs etc. Toasted Ciabattas or 01223 760850 or email: [email protected] Double-or-Quits your student Wraps discount with our Trivial Pursuit challenge. No conferring, bickering or face-pulling. NEW FOR 2008 Branches at King’s Parade, Magdalene Bridge and Mill Road. Edinburgh too. www.cambridgewine.com

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THE ANORAK Comprehensive fi xtures, tables and results service with Tom Ling Sport In Brief Results Fixtures Promotion for Emma Rugby Union and Queens’ Hockey 19/01 Men’s Blues 29-20 Durham Football Lacrosse As the collge league season draws University 03/02 Women’s Blues v Dagenham & 02/02 Men’s Blues v Walcountian to a close and thoughts turn Men’s Blues 1-3 Birmingham Uni- Redbridge, home Blues II, away towards Cuppers, Emma and versity 20/01 Women’s Blues 5-8 Coalville 05/02 Men’s Blues v Amateur Foot- Queens’ have earnt promotion ball Alliance, home Rugby League from the business half of division 3. Women’s Blues 3-0 Birmingham 23/01 Women’s Blues 32-7 Harper 03/02 Men’s Blues v St Helen’s Acad- After facing each other in the fi rst University 3rd XI Adams Hockey emy, 14:00, home half of the season, neither team 02/02 Men’s Blues v Robinsons 06/02 Men’s Blues v Nottingham was particularly troubled by their College Division 1, Lent term: 02/02 Women’s Blues v Wisbech University, 14:00, away new opponents in the promotion Downing 5-2 St John’s Town league. Corpus Christi 8-0 Caius P W D L F A D Pts 03/02 Men’s Blues v Exeter Univer- Rugby Union For Emma, a campaign based on JESUS 10 7 1 2 356 44 0 32 sity 03/02 Women’s Blues v Nottingham a powerful set-piece scrum and the P W D L GFGAGD Pts ST JOHN'S 8 7 1 0 170 23 0 30 Ladies, away ability to turn opposition ball over DOWNING 2 1 1 0 7 4 0 4 DOWNING 10 5 1 4 219 130 0 26 College Division 1: 06/02 Men’s Blues v Army, 19:15, at almost every break-down saw MAGDALENE 10 4 1 5 81 248 0 23 CORPUS CHRISTI 1 1 0 0 8 0 0 3 GIRTON 10 3 0 7 173 240 1 18 03/02 St Catharine’s v St John’s, home them remain undefeated as they ST JOHN'S 2 1 0 1 6 7 1 2 HOMERTON 8 0 0 8 35 339 4 4 14:30, Catz Astro. 06/02 Women’s Blues v Nottingham, bounced straight back up after ST CATHARINE'S 1 0 1 0 2 2 0 1 04/02 Corpus Christi v Jesus, 14:30, home relegation from division two last JESUS 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 CAIUS 1 0 0 1 0 8 0 0 Catz Astro. season. CAMBRIDGE CITY 1 0 0 1 2 4 1 -1 By contrast, the second divi- College Division 1: College Division 2: Varsity Matches sion is unchartered territory for St John’s 40-0 Girton 04/02 Fitzwilliam v Queens’, 13:00, 17/2 Queens’ who have been lurking Downing 2-2 St Catharine’s Downing 19-2 Jesus Catz Astro. Netball (Oxford) at the bottom of college rugby for St John’s 4-2 Cambridge City Jesus 81-5 Magdalene 06/02 Churchill v Clare, 13:00, Catz as long as anyone can remember. Lent College Division 2, Lent Girton 0-46 Downing Astro. 23/2 A very strong backline saw them term: 06/02 Emmanuel v Robinson, 14:30, Women’s Football (Oxford) post cricket scores against Christ’s College Division 2 Catz Astro. Real Tennis (Lords) and Robinson, with walkovers St. Catharine’s 40-0 Caius Karate (Oxford) following convincing defeats of the P W D L GFGAGD Pts Peterhouse 18-12 Pembroke College Division 3: Swimming & Water Polo latter and Fitzwilliam in the pro- SIDNEY SUSSEX 1 1 0 0 2 1 0 3 Trinity 33-0 St. Catharine’s 08/02 Magdalene v Jesus II, 12:30, motion league. The strength of the CLARE 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Wilberforce Road. 24/2 backline was recognised as it made CHURCHILL 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 08/02 Selwyn v Trinity Hall, 15:00, Basketball up the midfi eld of the College’s 15 ROBINSON 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Wilberforce Road. in December. QUEENS' 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 College Division 3 24-27/2 Both teams will be on the prowl FITZWILLIAM 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Promotion League: College Division 4: Tennis (Queen’s) for giant-killing feats in Cuppers EMMANUEL 1 0 0 1 1 2 0 0 Queens’ 40-0 Fitzwilliam 01/02 Pembroke v Peterhouse, 13:00, to round off the year. Caius and Catz Astro. 1/3 Pembroke will be replacing them Emmanuel 1-2 Sidney Sussex Emmanuel and Queens’ promoted 03/02 Christ’s v St Catharine’s II, Lacrosse (Oxford) next year, with Pembroke losing 14:30, Catz Astro. Women’s Rugby (Oxford) out in the relegation decider with 08/02 Christ’s v Homerton, 13:00, Ice Hockey Peterhouse on Tuesday. Catz Astro. Games & puzzles Varsity crossword no. 479 27 Bird initially reached orgasm Kakuro Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 6 5 7 6 8 inside another bird. (5) the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur 28 Portfolio for short lawsuit? (9) in the same row in a separate run). 7 8 © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore Down COMPETITION 9 10 9 Win a bottle of wine from our friends at Cambridge Wine 8 5 Merchants. 1 Spy broken piece of cutlery. (5) 4 Re-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create six 10 11 2 Five alcoholics surround drink separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email your 11 20 20 in passage. (6) answer to [email protected] 16 3 Prepuce almost kind after end- 11 12 Metals 22 less wood. (8) 6 17 4 Support found in warm res- 12 13 23 taurant. (7) C S 16 14 5 Strange to let tea dry. (8) O O 13 14 14 15 6 Ornamented crazy queen’s 10 B D 32 din. (9) I A 15 16 17 18 9 Embrace and love French L U 14

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per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or S rear. (8) N vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 25 26 19 Announced aircraft agree- © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore ment. (7) 26 27 21 Stitch twice, not bad appar- EDELSHAIN MADE BY ADAM 6 6 2 3 2 1 4 ently. (2-2) 27 28 28 23 Room for position? (6) 6 7 5 1 5 3 5 24 Nothing in fair fi ght. (5) Sudoku 28 29 The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the 5 7 1 2 6 7 2 Set by Miss Leah digits 1 through 9 exactly once. © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 1 3 1 6 5 7 7 Across sion. (8) 2 4 6 1 15 Obstinate insect followed 7 Nasty sweet? (9) man. (7) 7 4 7 1 6 2 4 2 3 8 Pariah’s disgust returned. (5) 17 Intercourse disturbed Alan’s 10 Tyrannize actor accepting former girlfriend. (4, 3) 5 9 2 1 5 4 5 5 6 7 shaft. (8) 20 Injured calf, sore outside. (8) 1 4 7 3

11 Alternately fun nature used 22 Bird beheaded criminal. (4) 3 4 6 2 7 5 1 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com to be false. (6) 25 Get E in exams. Bollocks. (6) 3 4 12 Sell bird? (4) 26 Truncheon length is deform- 5 6 9 1 Last issue’s solutions © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 13 Loud noise sought in confu- ity. (8) 6 8 9 3 7 2 4 5 1 24 17 20 17 3 5 3 1 5 2 7 8 16 7 4 5 8 1 9 6 3 2 7 1 4 6 3 5 2 8 6 4 7 1 7 9 3 4 5 6 9 7 8 16 17 2 1 9 7 23 9 8 6 1 3 2 7 4 7 4 7 1 5 8 3 2 9 6 Answers to last week’s crossword (no. 478) 22 8 9 4 1 17 24 2 1 7 6 5 5 3 5 2 8 6 9 1 7 4 3 Across: (1) information, (7) sac, (9) emend, (10) allowance, (11) paleozoic, (12) peach, (13) roadway, (15) toil, (18) prof, (20) set-back, (23) roach, (24) animation, (26) ad 6 8 27 9 3 6 7 2 4 1 8 5 8 8 3 7 9 6 2 7 5 7 1 4 9 8 8 5 2 9 6 7 3 1 4 nauseum, (27) guide, (28) nan, (29) expectorant 7 2 1 7 4 3 2 6 6 5 1 1 9 4 2 3 5 8 6 7 10 17 5 6 5 3 1 7 7 3 6 7 1 4 8 5 2 9 Down: (1) inexpert, (2) freeload, (3) radio, (4) analogy, (5) illicit, (6) newsprint, (7) sandal, (8) crèche, (14) warehouse, (16) basilica, (17) skin test, (19) fl are-up, (20) seismic, 5 1 9 3 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 1 9 9 8 (21) ordain, (22) cannon, (25) aggro Sport editor: Henry Stannard and Luke Thorne Friday February 1 2008 30 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport Someone’s Got To Win It... » The Varsity Sports Team takes a quick glance at the upcoming Six Nations

England Scotland Change is in the air; the Yet it would be foolish to expect too Even more than France, cial that his boot enables the Scots to play World Cup is over and Bri- much too soon. England’s one-dimension- Scotland are turning into in the right areas, keeping his spirited but an Ashton can focus on re- al performance in the World Cup and the a team with a dual person- hardly fearsome pack on the front foot. He building the England team players’ resistance to Ashton’s method ality. Tame performances will also be crucial in unleashing the likes in his own image. suggests it could be a lengthy process, and in last year’s competition of Lamont and Webster, who are genuinely Gone are the likes of results remain as crucial for Ashton as any against England and Italy potent attacking weapons. In this he should Martin Corry, perhaps the other England coach. were made even worse by a be helped by the youthful talent of de Luca, greatest personifi cation of the meat-head Consequently, expect to see Wilkinson good win against Wales and a strong last who will debut at centre. Hadden is bullish rugby that so typifi ed the Robson deservedly retained at fl y-half, where he quarter against France. Fortunately, the about Scotland’s epoch, and baying on the sidelines is has been winning games for Newcastle, right team showed up at the World Cup, chances, but the a new generation of exciting young perhaps with Cipriani serving an appren- and Hadden’s men put in a creditable per- realist struggles to talent, with Matthew Tait at the ticeship at full-back, as he did for Wasps formance against eventual third-place Ar- see them doing an- forefront after a good World Cup last season. A typically strong pack, gentina to go out in the quarter fi nals. ything other than and sure to play a part later with Shaw and Vickery (retained Scotland too often give the appearance fi ghting to avoid in the tournament. Danny as captain) setting the tone, should of being resigned to defeat before kick- the wooden spoon. Cipriani, along with his give Wilkinson plenty of ball, but off, not doing justice to some real talent in Expect to see Pat- Wasps team mate James whether it is quick enough to set their squad. Indeed, so competitive has the terson make a Haskell, has also been alight the exciting prospects of squad become that the talisman and crea- swift return after causing a stir in the Pre- Strettle, Sackey and new boy tive spur of the last fi ve years, Chris Pat- a heavy defeat to miership and Heineken Vainikolo out wide remains to terson, can only fi nd a place on the bench. In France on Sunday. Cup (as well as with one of be seen. his absence, much of Scotland’s success will Henry Stannard the Cheeky Girls). Luke Thorne depend on Dan Parks at fl y-half. It is cru-

One to watch: Vainikolo. Key Player: Jonny Wilkinson (above). One to watch: Jason White (above). Key Player: Parks. The Tongan-born winger offers real pace It will be his responsibility to set the Sets the tone for his team. There’ll be big Will have to step up to pressure with and power out wide. young back line fi ring hits. Make sure you see them. boot and in hand.

Italy Wales Italy have been regarded as seen them better rewarded, but for Chris Pat- Wales had a disappoint- match Wales’ attacking flair in this de- the whipping boys of this com- terson’s immaculate kicking. However, head ing six nations last year; partment then they can pose a serious petition since they fi rst joined coach Nick Mallet has now had time to gather overall they finished fifth threat to the bigger nations. it in 2000. This reputation is an exciting young squad to launch a new of- a place above Scotland due Have no fear; the wimpish Welsh side not without foundation: Eng- fensive for 2008. Bar the usual presence of the to their points difference. of 2007 will have been beaten into shape, land, Ireland and France have Birgamasco brothers, the starting team sheet This year, however, the and this year poses a much more formi- put fi fty points past them on could confuse many a casual fan: The recognis- Welsh will be looking dable opposition. Wales never fails to numerous occasions and Scotland are the only able Troncon has retired and top Six Nations to resurrect some form thanks produce some top quality forwards side never to have reached forty against the scorer Ramiro Pez is out of favour. The loss to to the introduction of a fear- and hard hitting backs. In an Azzuri. However, things are changing, and, injury of back row Marco Bortolami, a familiar some new coaching line-up. unusual move 13 of the Welsh eight years on, the Italians are surfi ng on a name to Gloucester fans, will not benefi t them Warren Gatland, a former starting line-up this weekend growing wave of respect. Last year they de- in the opening two matches against Ireland All Black, took over as head hail from the Ospreys, a move feated both Scotland and Wales in consecutive and England, but they ought to be confi dent coach in November last that may dog Gatland as he’s games and about their chances against Wales in Cardiff. year; one of his first moves taken some considerable flack fi nished The big match for them, though, comes on was to bring in Shaun Ed- fromthe press. If his boys lose fourth the last day of the tournament when the Scots wards, rugby league convert then it may well dog his career overall, visit Rome. The whole of Rome will be relish- and Wasps head coach, world for some time; but if they win their high- ing the opportunity to even the score with renowned as one of the leading then it will not just be England est position Frank Hadden and his men. Bearing this in lights when it comes to defensive hanging their heads in shame. to date. mind, I would not expect them to be propping organisation. Edwards worked with Nonetheless, they face a tough cham- The up the table when it’s all over. the Blues prior to the Varsity Match, and pionship, likely to be battling it out at World Cup Jamie Ptaszynski its plain to see the impact he had the bottom with Scotland and Italy. might have on the Blues defence. If he can George Towers

One to watch: Alberto Sgarbi. Key Player: Sergio Parisse. One to watch: Gavin Henson. Key Player: Ryan Jones. Natural winger but might start at 13, where Provides crucial experience in a young Hopefully the national pretty-boy New captain, infl uential no. 8 and crucial pace and size could come as a suprise. side, and carries well from no 8. will be back on top form. player for Welsh success.

Ireland France This year, for want of a bet- ing at Croke Park, which could Like the point, France’s strength in depth is such that ter alternative, commenta- reasonably claim the best sport- old enemy they can still put out players of the class of tors have again been saying ing arena in the whole wide across the Elissalde, Heymans and new captain, Nal- that it must surely be Ire- world, and should win Channel, let. They are joined by fresh hopefuls, in- land’s tournament. Howev- their home games against times are cluding Trinh-Duc at fl y-half, Julien Malzieu er, they ignore the fact that Scotland, Italy and Wales changing for and the destructive Sale prop, Lionel Faure. whenever an Irish team look through dint of being slightly less of a France. A Even if the 21 year-old Trinh-Duc struggles likely to achieve anything, you can safely put shambles, they will undoubtedly come spate of retirements, including to fi nd his feat, he will have the tried and your house on them failing comprehensively. unstuck against France in Paris, as al- legends such as Ibanez, Pelous tested Skrela outside him, with Jauzion an- They forget that is is a country where bot- ways. In their fi nal game at Twickenham and Betsen, would have been ticipated to return before the competition’s tling is so ingrained that they even bottled against England they stand a fair chance different enough, but with new out. Expect a return to a game plan which their independence. of winning for old time’s sake, unless ei- coach Lievremont dropping a fully incorporates the much-vaunted French Apart from a few fringe players be- ther team has anything riding on it. This further seven World Cup start- fl air, in contrast to Laporte’s constant at- ing dropped and forward talisman Paul means, therefore, that, like the last fi ve ers, including the proof that were- tempts to stifl e it in his quest for consist- O’Connell out with a long term injury, Steady years, the Irish will almost certainly fi n- wolves exist, Chabal, and Harinor- ency. Whatever Lievremont does, it is hard Eddie O’Sullivan will fi eld the same players ish second or third in the table, pos- doquy, it will be hard to recognise to see France struggling and they will cer- that crumbled in the Autumn – sticking with sibly claiming that yet another Triple les bleus. Understandably, Lievre- tainly be there or thereabouts in the hunt a game plan centred around TWGC and his Crown is a genuine achievement for a mont wants to make a stance clearly for their third successive championship on sidekick Gordon D’Arcy that is so predict- squad whose powers are rapidly de- separate from Laporte, now Minister for 15th March. able even Georgia had a few ideas about how clining. Sport, but in doing so he has left out talent Luke Thorne to deal with it. other countries would kill for. Despite the fact that they are now play- Henry Stannard Fortunately, or not, depending on your view-

One to watch: Andrew Trimble. Key Player: Brian O’Driscoll. One to watch: Cedric Heymans (above). Key Player: Lievremont. Young winger of whom great things are Hopes rest on the Captain’s shoul- Puts in quality performances week after When the pressure’s on, will he be in expected. And he’s fi t. Apparently. ders, as ever. week, and a lethal fi nisher. shape or calling the old lags back? Friday February 1 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 31

Jesus secure second place Gamblers » Jesus given redemption by merciful Magdalene Unanimous JESUS but you know you’ve had a good scrum because your feet are leaden Ed Peace & 81 and your thighs seem utterly discon- Niall Rafferty nected from your waist. MAGDALENE Scrums today, by mutual agree- After a bad week on the betting ment, were uncontested. This renders shop fl oor it’s always tempting to 5 all of the above rather irrelevant. In report how close we were to giving Jamie Ptaszynski what was essentially a play-off for the bookies a real pummelling. This Sports Reporter second place in the league, St John’s week, however, there can be no being already clear winners, a crucial agonising sighs about how lady- Contact sports share many basic part of the game was missing. This, luck just wasn’t on our side. That principles with mass combat as seen might I boldly suggest, is something would be as truthful as Ashley Cole before the age of long range weap- that ought to be addressed again be- telling his wife she was the only ons: guard your territory; don’t let fore we start the next season. A lot woman he’d ever laid eyes on. The the enemy break your lines; there’s of the college rugby at Cambridge is long shot just about made it over always strength in numbers. What of a very high quality and it is a pity the start line before pulling up, and happens in the scrum is the modern that good players and potentially Giuliani was so far beaten in the equivalent of two tightly packed great matches can be undermined Florida Republican Primary that turtle formations coming together by one or both sides’ lack of scrum he’s just dipped out of the race for to drive and struggle, sweat and die training. the White House altogether. for a few yards of soil. Except nowa- Ironically, this ought to have For this week’s banker we’re served the Magdalene pack better. The Jesus pack de- heading stateside, where the New The atmosphere in the Jesus chang- molish Magdalene York Giants will be taking on the ing room beforehand was duly tense. New England Patriots in Super- You hear him panting A poor result against Downing last bowl XLII. The Patriots have got and groaning in your week combined with the approach- to the Superbowl with a perfect ing excitement of Cuppers means SOPHIE PICKFORD record and it’s hard to see the Gi- ear as you squeeze that all were playing for themselves ants stopping their bid for a fourth as much as for the team. But even fi nished and for a brief minute Je- couragement from their captain, title in seven years. However, the tight to your hooker having reiterated this point several sus looked in trouble: Magdalene Magdalene’s capitulation was beyond contest is likely to be far closer times, captain Ed White was not won useful turnover ball and Jesus recovery and the second half pro- than many have predicted. In the sure of battle-keenness. were penalised a couple of times ceeded along the same vein. Char- Playoffs the Giants have systemati- days we have no shields, no spears; Magdalene knew that a coup was for foolish offences. But their reac- lick’s accurate and adventurous kick- cally hunted down and beaten those just our aching, sweating bodies with on. To humiliate Jesus in front of tion was strong and last Tuesday’s ing was well rewarded, but it was his teams which turned them over which to infl ict as much damage as their own fans, wearing what would performance was soon shaken from devastating running which earned earlier in the season, shutting down possible in a few short seconds. then seem a ridiculous new kit, would the memory. A searing run by Kouj him a handful of tries. Jesus demon- the third highest rated offence of Your blood races, your eyes nar- be quite an achievement and beating Tambara, followed by some clean strated the size and strength of their the Cowboys and dismantling the row and shoulder pounds against them into third place was certainly rucking from Kearns and Greenfi eld squad, bringing on substitutes in second highest rated Packers. We’ll heavy shoulder. You feel the bristle not an impossibility. Sadly, over the presented fl anker Faivre with a good every area of the pitch, but this did be backing the Giant’s with a 12.5 of your opponent’s chin as he tries to course of the defi nitive eighty min- opportunity, which he gladly took. little to interrupt their momentum. point advantage at 10-11 for this burrow through you. You hear him utes, they failed to perform. Bar one The forwards continued to support The fi nal score represents the dif- week’s banker. panting and groaning in your ear as good break and a tackle busting run well, with Ed White regularly slip- ference between the two sides that This week’s prediction takes you squeeze tight to your hooker and from one shaggy-haired fl anker, they ping into the backs to join the merry walked off the pitch at the end. The the form of a double, where we’ll prepare your crumpling legs for one had little possession and did not take romp through Magdalene’s now un- losers licked their deep wounds but be hoping that Arsenal and Aston more push. By the time you lift your advantage of the ball when it was in tidy lines. Good breaks from Harn- must ultimately be satisfi ed with a Villa can steal all three points on head out of the melee, those few hot their capable but underperforming den and Childs and some delightful not unsuccessful season. Jesus, con- their travels. Manchester City host seconds can feel like hours. Your cap- hands. offl oading gave Jesus a healthy 38 fi dence replenished, turned their Arsenal at the City of Manchester tain screams at you to follow up, to The try itself was well built point lead by half time. thoughts immediately towards the Stadium, and while it may appear support. And you attempt to obey, through the backs and confi dently Despite some very audible en- possibility of cuppers silverware. foolhardy to oppose a side that have taken an average 2.5 points from their 12 home league games News from the River this season, Arsenal have lost just Police Brutality one of the last 22 meetings between For a sport as fundamentally sim- vour. Yet for anyone who has spent these two sides and boast out- »Blues in learning experience ple as rowing, there are numerous enough time in a boat, or participat- standing league form. Aston Villa formats in which a race can actu- ed in any other sport pitting one op- face a Fulham side who, despite CUABC hosted the Metropolitan from St Edmunds put his PhD ally be contested. Some events ponent directly against another, the the appointment of Roy Hodgson, Police at Chilford Hall on Satur- to one side to take on Rodgeman areFocus long time trials; On boats Boxing start off shift in momentum was obvious. continue to languish in the drop day, and whilst the result wasn’t in from the local ‘Town’ team in what with a predetermined gap between Strength, fi tness and technique zone. It is unlikely that Fulham will the Light Blues favour, the match was three rounds of punching with each entry and essentially race the are prerequisites for sporting suc- get any relief against Villa though, was hotly contested. Only two of neither man bothering to defend clock. Summer international racing cess. Resolve, commitment and as Martin O’Neill’s side are in solid the seven Light Blues had boxed themselves. This was the hard- is conducted over 2000 metres, with confi dence are the true determining form having not lost away since before with fi ve stepping into the est fought battle of the night and six nations facing off in a side-by- factors. Halfway through a twenty September. ring for the very fi rst time. received a standing ovation from side showdown. The Boat Race is minute race, when exhaustion and It’s back to Doncaster for the Lightweight, Tom Land from the crowd at the fi nal bell. With a duel. On the day, the only other lactate beg you to stop with stinging long shot, where we’ll be hoping Gonville & Caius stepped up victory going to the ‘Town’ man, it crew on the river will be dressed in fervor, each minute is rationalised Jack the Giant can put in a big against Constable Dean Ricci. The was another hard earnt lesson that dark blue and looking to ruin your with the belief that your opposite performance in the William Hill bout began with Land picking his skills will get you so far, but heart season. man is about to shatter. Eventually, Handicap Chase. The six year old man off with long shorts before will win you a Varsity Match. The difference between a duel one of those minutes will defi ne the endeared himself to punters by dropping him with a body shot With all but three of the Blues race such as ours and the interna- nine months that preceded it. landing a huge gamble here in De- early in the fi rst round. With Ricci Squad in action, selection for tional format that dictates summer So for the next two months we cember in the Ladbrokes Hurdle. beating the count, but with re- VM101 is still as competitive as racing is the mental game that can will strive, day in and day out, to He won his subsequent outing at duced mobility, the Caius 6th year ever as they head into their last only exist between two isolated op- be mentally tougher than our dark Leicester and will be diffi cult to medic stepped in with short shorts match before facing the Other ponents. Technically, our duel lasts blue competitors. While the train- beat if he runs to his full potential to the head and body that dropped Place on March 6th. for 4 miles and 374 yards, the dis- ing that has taken place since Sep- on Saturday. It’s worth holding off his opponent onto the canvas for Vincent O’Shea, Coach. tance between Putney and Mort- tember is invaluable, the side-by- any bets until the morning of the second time, and this time Ricci lake. But it is often said that the side racing and weekend fi xtures race, as trainer Nicky Henderson stayed down. race only lasts as long as necessary dotting our schedule ahead will has said the horse will not run if the Middleweight, James Gray from for one crew to realize they can no shape the boats into a hardened conditions aren’t right. But assum- Girton College boxed Special Con- longer win it; the rest is a formal- mold. The coaches will set the two ing the rain stays away, we’ll be stable Michael Baah. At times it ity. crews against each other countless plunging on Jack the Giant at 11-2. seemed as if the two were goading Barney Williams, the 2006 Oxford times between now and 29 March. each other into seeing who could President, admitted this sentiment Each time, sandwiched between the 10-11 take the most punches, but both while commentating on last year’s simple commands of ‘go’ and ‘stop’ The Banker showed some real boxing talent race. Approaching Hammersmith will be a battle for minutes, for mo- Giants to beat Patriots and huge reserves of heart and Bridge, with Oxford still leading by mentum earned and invariably lost. +12.5 points £4 courage. With two rounds down, a length, Williams realized that the The duality is inescapable and only 3-1 Gray had to take some harsh race had been decided, and not in learned through experience. Prediction words from his corner before the the leading crews’ favour. In 2007 Cambridge won the Boat Arsenal & Aston-Villa to £3 fi nal round, which turned into two Most Londoners who ventured Race in 6 minutes and 58 seconds. win thrilling minutes of non-stop ag- out to watch last April would surely They were a length down and on The Long shot 11-2 gression and punching from the have been puzzled by this predic- the outside of a mile long turn. The Jack the Giant to win £1.50 e/w Girton economist. Gray took the tion. Oxford had a seemingly com- remaining ten minutes were just a William Hill Handicap Chase bout by a single point but most de- manding lead and the course was formality. fi nately did it the hard way. just starting to bend in their fa- Spencer Griffi n Hunsberger RUNNING TOTAL: 27.80 Light-Heavyweight Luke Smith Friday February 1 2008 varsity.co.uk/sport

Rugby p30 Country- by-country guide to the SPORT Six Nations Hockey Blues hit top spot » Convincing win sees Cambridge seal top position and play-off place

CAMBRIDGE GOALS : BARNES, HALL, STANLEY 3 BIRMINGHAM 0

Becka Langton Sports Reporter Expectations were high as the La- dies Blues Hockey team travelled to Birmingham in one of their most im- portant fi xtures of the season. A win would secure the top spot of BUSA Midlands division 1A and a place in the play-offs to enter the National Premier Division. With stakes set so high and tension mounting, it was a nervous Blues team that ar- rived ready to take on bottom of the league Birmingham The match began with total ter- ritorial domination from the fi red up Blues who were determined to make their mark on weaker opponents. Pressure from all sides of the pitch forced the Birmingham team into last-ditch defence from the start and it was only a fi rst rate performance from the opposition keeper which Corks to fl y as Blues kept the score line even. A solid press celebrate successful maintained Blue possession with season chances being lost only at the last mo- ment. It was not until an impressive Tash Barnes, normally noted for her assists rather than goal scoring prow- ess, unleashed an incredible reverse BUSA Netball - Midlands Conference stick effort which nudged the right hand post and took the Blues ahead whilst Emma Goater was superior rare attacks that they did muster. their hard won advantage. Instead and fulfi lling their particular role. Women’s 1A 2007/08 after 20 minutes of hard work. on the wing, and Rosie Evans un- However, the next thirty fi ve min- the Cambridge defence were called With the Blues doing so well, the P W D L F A Pt Cambridge, desperate to consoli- erring in defence. The second goal utes saw a disappointing display on far more often than they might upcoming Varsity matches for the LOUGHBOROUGH II 3 3 0 0 140 101 9 date on their advantage, found the of the game arrived after a period have wished. It was only with great second and third team on the 11th OXFORD 3 2 0 1 147 77 6 details suffering in their game. Ac- of determined pressure at the mid direction from the back line and February should see the Nomads CAMBRIDGE 3 2 0 1 107 105 6 curacy slipped, vital passes turned point in the fi rst half when Jenny some athletic saves from keeper and Bedouins doing very well. BIRMINGHAM III 3 1 0 2 79 131 3 astray and opportunities went beg- Hall was given the space to take a “Having led Lucy Stapleton that Birmingham The Blues may have not been BIRMINGHAM II 3 1 0 2 115 114 3 ging, an uncharacteristically shoddy snap shot, which, with a slight de- remained unrewarded. playing to their normally impecca- NOTTINGHAM II 3 0 0 3 80 140 0 from the start, display from a usually meticulous fl ection, went fl ying into the roof of The fi nal score of 3-0 was a great ble standards, but the result was side. A number of short corners the net. to be confi rmed refl ection of Cambridge talent, as the right one. Coach James Waters were won in a solid demonstration A third goal emphasised Cam- Tash Fowlie emphasised. “We have was certainly happy with the win. of Cambridge ability, but fi nishing bridge's superiority shortly after- champions is played well all season and look for- “We began the season targeting a lacked and the away team were un- wards. Anna Stanley claimed the ward with great confi dence to the top three fi nish and have been re- able convert to nudge the score line fi nal touch in an ingeniously worked fantastic” Varsity match which we enter after vising that aim upwards ever since. past the one goal advantage. How- short corner that bore little resem- our most successful season in recent Having led the table from the start ever, as frustration rose the Cam- blance to anything Birmingham had years.” The Blues Team have un- to fi nally be confi rmed as champions bridge team stepped up to the chal- ever dealt with before. from a wavering Cambridge side. doubtedly developed dramatically is fantastic.” If the Blues are able to lenge. Excellent distribution from Half time arrived with the Blues Basic errors allowed Birmingham not only as a unit but as individuals consolidate this advantage, Oxford midfi elder Hannah Rickman gave comfortable in their advantage to enter a game which should have and success has come from a squad will certainly have something to Birmingham plenty to worry about, and Birmingham toothless on the seen the Blues consolidating on effort with every player knowing worry about in March.