Gardies Attack

Fashionp16 -17 Halloween Featuresp20-21 Newsp4-5 Fetch the garlic and Musical ghouls and a window that must always Unemployed don your crucifix; remain open... ghostly goings on at our most graduates: how Cambridge’s ghastly creepy Colleges the recession has gents are out on the affected University prowl, Twilight-style leavers

Friday October 30th 2009 e Independent Student Newspaper since 1947 Issue no 704 | varsity.co.uk Stephen Fry Exclusive Interviewp13-14 Nokia to occupy Gardies Attack new building in » Postdoc research associate hits two girls after swap West Cambridge R COLLEGE over the head of the angriest boy Emma Mustich [Wheeler]. Colm Flanagan News Editor “The boy then [left] the room, punching [Frentrop] in the stom- ach and winding her. She fell to the

WhatWESTMINSTE began as a night out at Gardies ground, and had to be tended to by Nokia UK has just announced that ended in violence last Wednes- several friends. Whilst this hap- it will occupy a large building in day when a postdoctoral research pened, three of us went downstairs the Hauser Forum development, a associate attacked two girls from a to confront the boy, who then hit new site currently being planned in Girton drinking society. another girl across the face.” West Cambridge. Dr Jeff Wheeler, who works in the Frentrop said that she had not BusinessWeekly.co.uk called Department of Materials Science thrown any water or alcohol at the move “the most significant and Metallurgy, hit two members of Wheeler, and that his attack was letting in the region this year”. the Girton society in the aftermath entirely “unprovoked”. It looks set to herald further of an altercation about a table that Wheeler’s account of the event dif- collaboration between the Uni- had been double-booked. fers from that of the Girton source. versity and technology industries. Both societies had planned sep- He reports that after “wine” (not The fi rm will occupy the Broers arate swaps for the Wednesday water) was thrown in his eyes, he Building in West Cambridge, evening. Lara Frentrop, from the “reacted out of shock”. He does not an area home to collaborations Girton group, told Varsity her soci- say who threw the wine, and Fren- between the University and Micro- ety had called Gardies repeatedly to trop and other eyewitnesses told soft and Hitachi, among others. make sure their table was booked. Varsity it was not one of the girls he Close to the University’s computer They had offered to pay a deposit, later injured. laboratory and major bases for elec- but the Gardies staff had said no Wheeler continues, “I then exited trical engineering, nanoscience and such payment was necessary. the building to remove myself from physics, the site is key in the strategy The other drinking society, the the situation ... but was followed by to put Cambridge at the forefront Alverstones (an all-male society for several of the girls who continued to of research, teaching and industry. athletes), had also booked the table assault me. Ian Leslie, the pro-vice- and paid a £50 deposit. Dr Wheeler “I regrettably responded by slap- chancellor for research, said was a member of the Alverstones at ping one of the girls once as a means Nokia’s move strengthened the time, but has since been expelled of alleviating any further assaults its ties with the University. from the society. on my person.” “Our initial collaboration with Frentrop reported that her group Alice Beardmore-Gray, one of Nokia in nanoscience is now broad- had arrived and sat down at their the girls on the Alverstones swap, ening to other technologies,” he table half an hour before the Alver- recalls leaving Gardies and look- said. “We are very pleased that, stones arrived with their dates. ing behind her to see Wheeler. “His even during challenging economic “The boys were really rude,” she clothes were wet,” she told Varsity. times, industry sees the value of said, claiming that one boy had She remembers Wheeler saying long-term research in collaboration called members of her group “fuck- that he had just hit a girl, and recalls with other leading universities.” ing bitches.” By appealing to the being surprised at his nonchalance. staff at Gardies, the boys forced the She also confi rms that members girls to get up from their table. of the Girton group rushed down- Halloween The girls and the male freshers stairs to confront Wheeler. Wheeler on their swap waited in the base- “lashed out” and hit one of the girls Essay ment of Gardies until just after 9:00, “on the head”. Beardmore-Gray Getting freaky: when the Alverstones vacated the says the girl, Natalie Coan, dropped table. Trouble began as the Alver- to the pavement, while Wheeler John Poynton JOHN LINFORD stones left the table and descended “marched off”. on the to the ground fl oor. She defends the other members of Friday’s Fry day: Comedian gives ADC talk power of the Another Girton drinking soci- the Alverstones, who she says were paranormal ety member, who wished to remain “lovely” and “very apologetic”. omedy heavy-weight and Footlights alumnus Stephen Fry spoke anonymous, told Varsity, “Angry The police attended to the inci- Cat the ADC theatre last Friday. He answered audience questions, words were exchanged and a friend dent, but left when no party decided speaking mostly on the progress of his career after he left Cambridge. retaliated by throwing water to press charges. p9 2 Friday October 30th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] University Press pulls textbook In Brief which “fuels anti-Semitism”

Cambridge debaters executive Vic Alhadeff said one of the win at Inter-varsity James Wilson statements belonged “in the realm of Competition Reporter racial vilification”. He stated that the book’s claims Two Cambridge students came “perpetuate myths and inaccurate out on top at the Inter-varsity A religious studies textbook for stereotypes about Judaism” which Debating Competition held at Australian high school students could “fuel anti-Semitism”, adding SOAS last weekend. Trinity Hall published by Cambridge Univer- that “thousands of students are being finalist Sean Koh and second sity Press has been removed from seriously misinformed”. year Emmanuel affiliate student bookshelves for containing alleged In response, Cambridge University Doug Cochran fought off compe- anti-Semitic slurs. Press announced it was withdraw- tition from 96 other teams to The book, Cambridge Studies of ing the book, available since 2008, take the title. The duo defeated Religion Stage 6, was withdrawn on immediately from sale. teams from Oxford, LSE and Tuesday after a complaint from the Mark O’Neil, the Executive Direc- Trinity College Dublin with an New South Wales Jewish Board of tor of the Press’s Australia and New impressive performance in the Deputies. Citing a number of “appall- Zealand branch, released a state- final, arguing for the proposition ing statements”, they requested that ment stating that he “recognised the that those who neglect to give a chapter on Judaism be rewritten concerns that have been expressed to charitable causes are morally and the book re-issued to all schools about interpretations in the book.” responsible for the death of using it. He said he would seek the advice of starving Africans. The two will It was brought to their attention an “independent expert in Judaism” be back in action next month after concerns were raised by staff before deciding whether to re-issue when Cambridge host their own at a Jewish school where the book the book, adding that the concerns inter-varsity competition. was in use. are being treated “with the utmost Author Christopher Hartney, a seriousness” in order to ensure that lecturer at Sydney University, had “the highest standards of academic Science department written that “much modern conflict integrity” are reached. to relocate in the world is related to the reactions The stated ethos of Cambridge of other groups to the Jewish people.” University Press is to “produce The Department of Materi- The Board of Deputies stated that this publications that are accurate and of als Science and Metallurgy is had the potential to incite religious educational value.” set to move to a new location Henry VIII is gout and about hatred, as it “blames Jews for the Cambridge University Press told on the West Cambridge Site, existence of much of the conflict in Varsity that they “will do whatever joining several other scientific ambridge’s ivory towers were thrown open for this month’s ‘Festi- the world”. is necessary in order to ensure departments at the purpose- val of Ideas’, a town-meets-gown affair reaching out to the wider In addition, the book states that facts are covered accurately in its built site. The department Ccommunity. Events included a discussion of ‘Jordan’s knockers’ at polygamy is a common practice in publications”. is currently spread over five gender debate ‘Becoming Barbie’ and a cheeky depiction of monarchical Israel and that Passover involves The New South Wales Jewish buildings at the New Museums masculinity from David Starkey (who drew the sketch of Henry VIII the “slaughtering of lambs, smear- Board of Deputies has said that it Site but the facilities are not above). Other attractions included Japanese Puppet making, a writing ing the lintel on the front door with “applauds” the move. suitable for high level research workshop with beloved author Michael Morpurgo, and a not-for-the- blood and eating unleavened breads No stock of the book is currently projects. In particular the new fainthearted bicentenary reading of Tennyson’s (almost) complete works. for seven days”. held in the UK, nor has any copy been building will be able to house Nicola Bartlett Speaking to the Sydney Morning sold from the Press’s UK warehouse. sensitive electron microscopes. Herald on Tuesday, the board’s chief No copies are currently on order. These benefits along with the proximity to other scientific departments ought to outweigh any loss of accessibility. Cambridge recyclers get the blues Student ‘Fire out will benefit from the scheme. well as glass, cans, paper, foil, tins Prefects’ appointed Jessica King Plans to extend the new system to and plastic bottles. Cambridgeshire Fire and Reporter the campus in around 18 months Victoria Kelso, the representa- Rescue Service has launched are also being considered once the tive of Cambridge City Council’s a scheme to recruit univer- project has been established in the Environmental Services, said the sity students as voluntary ‘fire Recycling is set to become easier for community. authorities were positive about the prefects.’ A pilot scheme has Cambridge households thanks to the It is hoped that features of the potential success of the scheme. already taken place at Anglia introduction of new, blue recycling new bins will make people more “Most people are really pleased about Ruskin where students worked bins. 3,600 will be distibuted around likely to recycle their waste, and the new bins,” she said, adding that alongside fire wardens to ensure the city this week, replacing the enable Cambridge to meet their the council hoped to exceed their compliance with fire safety current system of separate blue and target of recycling or composting recycling targets having observed regulations. The scheme is a green boxes. 45% of household rubbish by April the successes of schemes in other response to more than 100 fire Although administrative compli- 2010. The bins’ lids and large collec- boroughs. service call-outs to colleges last cations mean Colleges will for tion containers mean more material The bins will be emptied on the year and the identification of now retain their current recycling can be recycled, and cardboard and same day as green bins from Novem- students as a high risk group. system, those students who live soup cartons can also be re-used as ber 16th.

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Get involved Editors Robert Peal & Anna Trench [email protected] AssociAtE Editors Jenny Morgan [email protected] & Laurie Tuffrey [email protected] NEws Editors Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich & Beth Staton [email protected] commENt Editor Dan Hitchens [email protected] sport Editors Will Caiger-Smith & Olly West [email protected] FEAturEs Editor Zing Tsjeng [email protected] Arts Editor Laura If you would like to find out how Freeman [email protected] thEAtrE Editor Lauren Cooney [email protected] rEviEws & ListiNgs Editor Paul Smith [email protected] FAshioN Editors Charlie Lyons, Joe Pitt-Rashid & Lara Prendergast to write for Varsity, come to [email protected] one of our weekly meetings at sENior rEportErs Clare Gatzen, Anna Harper, Helen Mackreath, Gemma Oke & Matthew Symington [email protected] sciENcE corrEspoNdENts Sita Dinanauth & Mingjuan Tan science@varsity. the Maypole Pub (20A Portugal co.uk Food & driNk Editors Tanya Iqbal [email protected] thEAtrE critics Nathan Brooker, Abigail Dean, Chris Kerr, Joel Massey, Jemima Middleton, George Reynolds & Alasdair Pal [email protected] music critics Edward Henderson, Tom Keane & Pete Morelli [email protected] JAzz critic Jonathan Lifschutz FiLm critics James Garner & James Sharpe [email protected] visuAL Arts critic Florence Sharpe Place). [email protected] cLAssicAL music critic Guido Martin-Brandis [email protected] LitErAry critic Eliot D’Silva [email protected] News: Monday 4pm vArsitv Editors Richard Rothschild-Pearson & Fred Rowson [email protected] dEputy vArsitv Editors Phillipa Garner & Alan Young [email protected] oNLiNE Editor Max Raleigh-Reckless Smithwick chiEF sub-Editor Colm Flanagan sub-Editors Lauren Arthur, Timothy Leung & Angela Scarsbrook [email protected] dEsigNEr Dylan Spencer-Davidson [email protected] dEsigN coNsuLtANt Michael magazine: Wednesday 5.30pm Derringer Alternatively, email the relevant busiNEss & AdvErtisiNg mANAgEr Michael Derringer [email protected] boArd oF dirEctors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Mr section editor (right) with your Elliot Ross, Mr Patrick Kingsley (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal & Mr Christopher Adriaanse

NEWSPAPERS ideas. SUPPORT Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2009 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise up 87.2% of the raw material for UK without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. ISSN 1758-4442 newspapers in 2008 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday October 30th 2009 3 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS Police: “one student burglary every second day” » Unlocked doors and windows are prime targets for Cambridge crooks

ALASTAIR APPLETON glass of water. The thief stole a laptop, then,” said Pyle. Danae Mercer which has not been recovered. Unlocked doors and windows left Reporter According to Paul Doxey, head ajar are major facilitators of such porter at John’s, central Colleges are robberies. “We all make mistakes particularly vulnerable. and we all get sloppy,” said Doxey. Cambridge students have suffered “There were three thefts at “It’s just sad when someone else is a spate of burglaries this month, Trinity, one at John’s and one at there to prey on that vulnerability.” according to statistics released by Sidney,” he said. Burglaries have Doxey explained that thieves Cambridge Police. also occurred at several off-campus were skilled at blending in. “They Since the beginning of October, 12 hostels. On Sunday night, a laptop, are usually younger persons. It’ll thefts of student possessions have CD and organiser were stolen from take them a minute, even less. These occurred, with the average victim a ground-fl oor room on Chesterton people have all sorts of excuses, and losing property worth between £700 Road. The thief, who gained access they’ll appear genuine.” and £800. through a window open just six to Many students, however, are more Sue Loaker, crime reduction offi cer eight inches, appeared to have been concerned for the vulnerability of for Cambridge Police, said the thefts been watching and waiting for the more replaceable possessions in the occurred when students left doors student to vacate the room. face of thieves. and windows unlocked, even for While student thefts at Cambridge “To be fair, the only thing that short periods of time. seem to be on the rise, students really gets nicked is food, since our “Laptops are the most commonly themselves appear generally uncon- fridge is the closest to the back gate,” stolen item, but photographic equip- cerned. A study released this week said Catherine Potterton, at Wolfson ment, mobile phones and cash – up by the National Union of Students College. to the value of thousands of pounds revealed that 84% of freshers aren’t “If you follow the basic rules, you’ll – has also been taken,” she said. worried about crime. be fi ne. It’s about making yourself less “Students might leave their rooms “I feel pretty safe here. If I’m just attractive than the next person.” for just a few minutes, and, when going from my fl oor to another fl oor, Cambridge Police stressed that they return, their stuff is gone.” I don’t really bother to lock my door,” students take advantage of security Hugh Burling, a theologian at said Owen Pyle, a student at Selwyn facilities, including a property regis- John’s, became a victim sometime College. “The school is relatively far try system which allows students to after 2am on October 26th, when a out. We don’t really have random create a free private portfolio of all thief entered his room whilst he was people walking around. their property. sleeping inside. “Last year, my friend’s door was “If you see someone suspicious, “I thought I was going out again, opened by a random guy. He ran contact the porters immediately” but I went to bed instead,” explained when he was seen. It was reported to Doxey said. “We don’t mind if it turns Burling, who had stopped home for a the porters, but he was long gone by out to be nothing. Honestly.” Green Belt building project to go ahead » Site in north-west Cambridge will eventually provide accommodation for 2,000 students

The 297-acre site on the city’s north- Although the site is on Green Belt “It seems that development has As well as en-suite study bedrooms Darragh Connell west edge will be used to provide space, inspectors deemed that the expanded from what the council origi- for postgraduate students and a Reporter accommodation for 2,000 students economic, intellectual and educa- nally hoped for, which will squeeze minimum 100,000 square metres of and homes for 1,500 university tional needs of the project were “of the green space between residential research space, the site will accom- staff, as well as academic facilities, greater weight than the substantial area and the motorway” he said. modate 1,500 private homes and research and development space Green Belt functions of the land.” “The quantity of green space community facilities. The University has been given the and a hotel. Although it is currently Roger Taylor, Project direc- is narrow, and, as lower than the Although the adoption of the Area go-ahead to expand into Cambridge’s owned by the University, permission tor for North West Cambridge, motorway, will be noisy. Aside from Action Plan precipitates a lengthy Green Belt. was needed to release the land for stressed that any development on wildlife, this doesn’t seem like a great planning application process, the After a lengthy consideration long-term development plans. the site would go through the normal opportunity to create a quality space City Council estimates that “the fi rst process, planning inspectors agreed Plans to create up to three planning process. in which residents can interact with homes could be built in 2011/12.” that the University’s needs merit the new Colleges on the site were put “From the project’s start, the their wider environment.” “The next stage for the project is removal of a signifi cant parcel of land forward in 2004, but as yet remain objective has been to provide the To counter environmental impact, the start in November of a compre- from the North Western Green Belt. unconfi rmed. University with much-needed living the development will take measures hensive consultation to engage all and research accommodation that to preserve the site’s “special scien- those individuals and groups who will allow it to grow and prosper,” tifi c interest” status, working to want to be involved in refining he said. “This is a signifi cant project promote biodiversity in the surround- our Master Plan for the site,” said for the University that we expect ing areas and retaining the Girton Taylor. Girton College to be delivered over a 15 to 20-year Gap, a green corridor separating “We are determined that future period. Girton from the city. The City and proposals for the site meet not only “Since the start, we have been District councils also claim policies the University’s needs but also have committed to creating a success- underlying the development will “set the support of the local community.” ful and sustainable community that world-leading standards in carbon comprises homes for University staff, and water reduction”, in line with market housing as enabling develop- government targets to make all new ment, academic facilities, research homes zero carbon from 2016. and development space, and commu- The planned development was fi rst 52 Trumpington Street nity facilities such as a primary school incorporated, controversially, into Cambridge CB2 1RG and shops. the Cambridge North West Draft M11 “The physical constraints of the Area Action Plan (AAP) in 2008. FREE CHELSEA BUN city centre preclude expansion of the The approval and emendation comes With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop University there; the North West after a rigorous independent exami- OR Cambridge site offers the space that nation and prolonged period of public FREE MORNING the University requires in order to consultation in June of that year. grow.” The plans were motivated by COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) Martin Baker, conservation shortages in affordable postgradu- With any cake or pastry in the restaurant Churchill College manager at Cambridgeshire Wildlife ate accommodation and the need to on presentation of this voucher Trust, is concerned about the impact take advantage of the high density and proof of student status The site of planned North West development of the development. of technology companies in the city. 4 Friday October 30th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

News Feature In at the deep end: four graduates Land of Opportunity on post-Cambridge survival » Cambridge graduates make it big stateside

made a single investment in seven made toilet paper.” Michael Stothard months, the longest time in its his- Prospects overall may not seem Editor Emeritus tory. Perhaps this spree is already as bad as many fear. Last year there starting to happen. The biggest ven- was a ten per cent yearly increase ture capital firm BlackRock, after in the number of companies with A dozen Wall Street men sat in a three consecutive years of falling vacancies for Cambridge gradu- silent line staring only at their whis- investments, doubled its portfolio ates. This is perhaps unsurprising kies. After another bad August day over the summer by acquiring Bar- after the plunge in demand the year in the markets, this time blamed clays Global Investors. “When the before. The increase is set to be even on collapsing stock prices in China, venture capitalists start buying like greater next year according to last Pablo Navarro MacLochlainn Olivia Potts only one of the drinkers was talking. mad - which they will - they are week’s report by the Association of History of Art, I, King’s English, II.1, Corpus Jack Harper, 22-year-old Cambridge going to be needing a lot of extra Graduate Recruiters. classics graduate and hedge fund talent,” said Schnell. One Cambridge graduate in I got a first, yet I remain I’m currently studying for a analyst was in an almost champagne Winning tactics go beyond simply New York recommended using the inexplicably unemployed. law conversion. I’d wanted to do mood, happy to chat. choosing an industry. Jenifer Dela- recession as an excuse to show flex- Granted, I started at Cambridge law for a long time, so it wasn’t Unlike the older men, he was doing ney left Cambridge for UBS in ibility that in boom times might resigned to the fact my degree a second choice borne out of much better than he had expected. New York in 2003, and argued that have seemed an indulgence. Mary was rather useless. But following the unemployment crisis. But, His New York hedge fund had cut a great job abroad could in certain Dewhurst, who graduated with an the rejection of my application last summer, I started panick- back brutally almost as soon as he circumstances be easier to get when economics degree in 2002, has just to be sales assistant at ‘Parch- ing about not being able to fund had joined in August last year. But times were hard. “If you read that a left her job at Morgan Stanley to ment’ greetings cards I begin to it, and frantically applied for he had been the cheapest employee British bank is using the recession join an NGO called Voluntary Ser- realise how little currency my jobs. I applied for at least 20, all on the books and after a few months to expand overseas, find out where vice Overseas. “Use the recession as degree holds in all but the most of which I was pretty qualified was now the only New York analyst and show an interest in that coun- an opportunity to do something cool elite and impenetrable sectors. for, and didn’t hear back from a left. It had been hard work, he said: try.” The cunning graduate, with a and interesting,” she advised. “If you Of course, there are plenty of single one. I felt like the unem- “but not bad for someone who has willingness to work anywhere and don’t get a ‘high flying’ traditional unpaid internships around, but ployed version of Bridget Jones only just graduated with a Classics good intelligence in every sense, job now it will be more understand- those of us with rent to pay can’t ringing her telephone to check degree”. can secure a foreign posting “more able as there are fewer out there. afford to commit to one. The cur- it was still working. Thankfully, In any time of turmoil there are easily than you might think”. Future employers will not think you rent climate, then, ultimately the law conversion focuses winners and losers. John Paulson, She cited the acquisition of are stupid. There are not the same favours those who can live at my job-seeking and – hope- president of the New York-based Lehman Brothers in 2008 that signaling effects as before.” home with parents who fully – makes me more hedge fund Paulson & Co., made allowed many young British Bar- Meanwhile for those like former can hook them up. employable. $2 billion shorting the mortgage clays employees to have a chance classicist Jack Harper in his Wall market in 2007 and banks in 2008. in America. “One man’s failure, Street Bar there is already cause He was a big winner. New gradu- another’s success. So you might like for careful celebration, a little cham- ates like Jack Harper have needed to look at RBS, who are trying to pagne beside all those Jack Daniels to work out how to be some kind of increase their presence enormously on the rocks. He feels very over- winner too. In conversations in New in America and HSBC who – as they worked and a little underpaid. But, York this summer, recent alumni were relatively sheltered from the with flexibility and luck now, he is recommended a range of ways to recession – are vying to have a pres- getting invaluable experience for drive back the clouds of Cambridge ence all over the world.” the future. gloom. To find success in a recession pains- Any graduate who does get a job Keith Schnell graduated in 1997 taking research will not be enough. in bad times is significantly more with a economics degree and now Cambridge graduates will also have likely to keep it. Those hired in manages investments for Praxis, a to adjust their expectations, said boom times find themselves quickly Sophie Firth Alice Edgerly English, I, Murray Edwards Architecture, II.1, Jesus $9bn industrial gasses company. He Chesterman at the careers service: among competitors with the same believes the smart choice is in Ven- “We had a great job last year that just level of skill level and become more ture Capital firms, many of which no one wanted. It had an impressive easily disposable. But for recession Despite getting a good A few months after gradu- now have a glut of money from years starting salary, great training on the successes, as Delaney put it: “When degree, I’ve been on the dole ating, I applied for an 18-month of having nowhere to put it. “At the job and loads of travel with expenses. the economy picks up in a few years since July. After failing to get contract at the National Theatre. first sign of recovery they will need The only problem was that it was for time, you will be one of the few in interviews for jobs for which The application process took people to help them invest again.” the world’s largest makers of toilet your age group qualified to do the I felt I was well qualified, and about 6 weeks with a possible job One of the biggest, 3i, has not paper. No Cambridge graduate job and therefore much more subsequently being unsuccess- at the end. I got to the final round wanted to tell their friends they likely to survive”. ful in getting jobs for which but didn’t get the job. But luck- I am overqualified, I realised ily I did get a month’s internship. that I’m in a Catch-22 situa- The next step is architecture tion: in order to get a job I need practice applications. I’ve sent experience, but in order to gain off about 30. What’s great is that experience I need a job. that these projects don’t follow Of course, an internship is an university time, workload and option, but since they’re largely opportunities change through- unpaid and often require travel out the year, so it’s flexible, and I can’t afford to take that they’re more interesting route. than standard jobs. News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday October 30th 2009 5 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS Graduate Careers in the Crunch » Phantom applications, the ‘domino eff ect’ and withdrawn off ers haunt the lost generation

‘on campus’ simply to keep the ‘pilot all news is bad: average graduate Patricia McKee light burning’. Students can waste salaries have risen from £25,500 Reporter hours applying for phantom jobs. to £27,000 for 2009. The highest Business as usual? Similarly, before our Internships starting salary was offered by the Event, we asked every visiting German supermarket chain Aldi, Latest government figures show organisation for their assurances with an impressive 40K plus an Audi » Who’s recruiting and who’s applying how tough the job market has been that they were genuinely recruiting A4. A Leeds metropolitan graduate for graduates. While unemployment for summer interns.” with a 2:1 in business studies, Kate As any fi nalist will attest, employ- candidates, but also many applica- rises to its worst level in 14 years, the Gordon Chesterman, Director of McGrath, was their successful can- ment prospects are tough this tions who aren’t so strong,” said total of 16-24 years olds out of work the Cambridge Careers Service, didate last year. year. Though companies are keen recruitment manager Rob Fryer. is approaching the one million mark. predicts a good future, with “green On ‘Budget Day’, October 14th, to stress the success of their “It seems many students are taking The class of 2010 will have to compete shoots of recovery…and a forest unemployment fi gures were shown recruitment targets, an enormous the ‘spray and pray’ approach – with graduates who could not secure of good-looking graduate opportu- to have stabilised, prompting the increase in applicants means grad- making lots of applications, but paid employment in the two previ- nities”. He also told Varsity that uates have cause to feel anxious. not investing so much time in each. ous years, a phenomenon dubbed the “some students refuse to adjust As the UK’s largest private sector It’s noticeable when students have ‘domino effect’. Anger seems to be their expectations and to accept “Some students employer, PricewaterhouseCoo- really thought about what compa- building up as Youth Fight for Jobs near-neighbouring alternatives: last pers was enthusiastic to announce nies appeal to them and put a lot of prepare for a mass demonstration in year, some held out for the £45,000 refuse to adjust plans to recruit over 1000 students effort into their application.” London on November 28th. starting salaries, and failed, while their expectations and graduates for work in 2010. With private sector jobs declin- Many businesses have intro- some took too much notice of all the Applications to the tax, assur- ing, more students are turning to duced a graduate freeze, signifying bad press and simply gave up.” and to accept ance and advisory fi rm, however, alternatives – but these are far a shortfall of entry-level jobs. A Recruiters still seem to favour increased 48% this year. from easy options. Teach First, for survey conducted by High Fliers Cambridge students. The Careers near-neighbouring For some fi rms, such as KPMG, example, has been able to increase Research established that vacancies Service Report writes that while the economic climate has resulted the places they offer, but, with for graduates have been cut by over “graduate-level opportunities [in alternatives.” in a decrease of recruitment tar- an astounding 65% application a fi fth since 2007. According to the these areas] advertised nationally Gordon Chesterman, Director of the gets. Like Deloitte, recruitment increase in 2009, competition is 2009 Cambridge Careers Service have slumped by some 70%,” the Cambridge Careers Service is fi rst-come fi rst-served for those harder than ever. Report, this is affecting gradu- Careers Service’s Vacancy Online who match the criteria, and candi- The charity takes grads who ate recruitment activity across all listings for such jobs have only seen national press to herald the end dates have been applying earlier wouldn’t normally consider a sectors. Of course those not imme- a ten per cent decrease. of the recession. The Office of than normal. career in teaching and puts them diately affected (such as accounting But students are being cautioned National Statistics (ONS) fi gures “Currently applications are some in challenging schools, where a and law) are experiencing huge to decide carefully on where to plant released October 23rd confounded 20% up on this time last year” said third of pupils get free school increases in graduate applications, their roots before trying to blossom, widespread hope, as the economy Sara Reading, KPMG’s graduate meals, or fewer than 25% achieve and competition is getting fi erce. and they are heeding the advice. The unexpectedly continued to shrink recruitment manager. “As we fi ll 5 A-C GCSES. According to the report, some Careers Report indicated that stu- for the sixth consecutive quarter places through the year until we The programme is founded to former Cambridge students have dent turn-outs to the Banking and between July and September, with reach the required number, gradu- address educational disadvan- seen their offers of employment either Finance Event were down by 18% a shock 0.4% drop in gross domestic ates who still wish to secure a place tage, but its grads win out as well delayed or withdrawn completely, and those for the Property Event product (GDP). this autumn will be well advised to as the kids. On top of time in the meaning a number of those success- by 45%. Final-year Cambridge stu- Youth unemployment is notably apply as soon as possible as some classroom, grads complete a lead- ful in the two previous recruitment dents seem to be directing their worse in America, exploding to 52.2 entry routes and locations are ership development programme rounds lost their jobs before they’d interest towards other alternatives, per cent among 16-24 year old’s. In already full.” supported by over 50 employers; even started. Those who came back namely law, accountancy, and fur- New York, angry graduate Trina For seemingly omnipresent Del- PWC and the civil service, among to the Careers Service to look for ther education. Thompson sued her business-ori- oitte, who have retained last year’s others, will defer a candidate’s alternatives were disappointed, as Generally, 40 to 45 per cent of ented Bronx school for $70,000 in recruitment targets, the increased placement with them for their two later opportunities had already been fi rst-degree Cambridge graduates tuition fees, telling the New York quantity of applicants hasn’t nec- years teaching. The scheme is as fi lled up, six to eight months earlier go on to do postgraduate degrees. Post: “They have not tried hard essarily correlated with quality. much about Canary Wharf as it is than in previous years. This year’s Careers Service Report enough to help me”. “We’re getting some exceptional about the inner city. BETH STATON But perhaps the scariest prospect reveals that by January 2009, a 13 In contrast, the Cambridge for students this Halloween will per cent increase in graduate appli- Careers Service came top in a be fi lling in phantom applications. cations had already been noted. survey undertaken at 260 univer- A shocking revelation explained The two sectors that actually sities across Europe, the UK and in the Careers Report: “There is a stepped up their graduate vacan- the US for student satisfaction. 65% tendency in recessionary times for cies last year were the armed forces Mr Chesterman explains: “Lots of Increase in applications to Teach First as employers to maintain a presence and the public sector. Indeed not new kids on the block are recruit- compared with this time last year ing at Cambridge for the first time and there are more overseas Unemployment statistics for Europe – August 2009 vacancies: we’re working hard to hunt these down. Some 20 fi rms are only recruiting at 48% Cambridge – thanks to our Increase in applications to the PWC’s tax, 18.9 % ties with alumni passing us assurance and advisory firm good-looking graduate jobs in their companies.” The results 15 explain the level of student satisfaction: “We were able to promote more vacancies to our 20% student users last year compared to Increase in applications to KPMG as compared 12.5 % the year before – 5,135 compared to with this time last year 10 4,666 (Oct to Sept).” The government has introduced 9.9% various measures, such as the Future Jobs Fund, to curb the rising 7.9 % 7.7% state dependency of “the lost genera- 13% tion”. The NEET, Not in Education, Increase in graduate applications already Percentage of Labour Force 5 noted by the University of Cambridge by Employment or Training, are obvi- January 2009 ously the most affected group in this category. Whether measures taken to introduce a system of internships and encourage work 0 experience for graduates abroad Spain Ireland France UK Germany 45% will help ‘Generation Y’ remains Decrease in the attendance at the Cambridge SOURCE: EUROSTAT to be seen. Careers Service Property Event this year PATRICK KINGSLEY 6 Friday October 30th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton NNews www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Politico NATHAN ALLEN/RM Varsity Profile: Nathan Allen Cambridge’s 19 year-old polar explorer

Nathan Allen appears to be a normal were funding 80% of the trip, pulled student, reading Natural Sciences at out. At this stage, the expedition the smallest college in Cambridge, seemed doomed to failure yet seeing Peterhouse. Yet during the Easter Nathan’s motivation, it is clear how vacation last year, whilst most he managed to find more sponsors at Cambridge University students had their minds set on very short notice. Getting out onto Labour Club revision, he trekked to the North the ice was the easy part. Pole, walking and skiing hundreds of kilometres in two weeks, effectively When eager-eyed freshers a marathon a day, hauling all his arrive for their first year the food and equipment in a sledge, in 8,000 Cambridge University Conser- temperatures that plunged to -40°C; The number of calories allen had to consume vative Association welcomes this was the lowest his thermometer per day during the exhibition, the equivalent them with port, cheese and, could read, although with wind chill of eleven full meals depending on your abilities, it was probably more like -70°C. the possibility of a cabinet When asked what drove him to position in a future Conser- such an extreme venture, he does vative government. In stark not have a prepared response. He -75 contrast, their political nemeses himself admits that he doesn’t have a The wind chill allen experienced on his treck offers you “Freshers’ Beer “well crafted one liner”. He says that dropped to a staggering -75 degrees Celsius and Sandwiches”, a “CULC he rather wanted “to do something campaigning workshop” and the that showed what I am capable of. opportunity to one day sit on a I have also always had a fascination On the April 2nd 2009 he was BBC sofa next to Michael Porti- with the North Pole; you are literally dropped on the Arctic ice cap, and llo, a job which Dianne Abbot on top of the world.” trekked northwards for two weeks. MP certainly seems to enjoy. His expedition was twenty-two To many people the biggest obstacle If the Cambridge Conserva- months in the making. “You can’t would have been the remoteness nathan allen, chilling on top of the world tives offer an aspiring politician just pick an expedition like this and although he claims that this was good manners, great dining out of a brochure.” As well as the not really an issue, the fact that he and Sainsbury’s Basics chocolate - he also a constant worry since “they will and even better contacts, then planning, he wanted to “push new named his equipment may suggest ate 6 bars a day - managing to get eat anything moving, the bigger the the Cambridge Universities bits of technology, to start from otherwise. For example he called them soft enough, so as not to chip better – so to them I was just lunch Labour Club seems to offer scratch with much of the equipment, his sledge Philip; when asked why, he his teeth, proved a challenge in itself. dressed in Gortex”. It is the rather a crash course in grassroots questioning why and how does this remarks, “I realised that the Queen As he says, “At minus 40 degrees haphazard jokey way in which he campaigning. Within a little work and then coming up with some must spend a lot of time looking Celsius chocolate is a perfectly viable deals with these dangers that really over a month of being at the custom solutions to improve them”. over her shoulder going ‘come along construction material. I had so much, shows how determination triumphs University a young Labour “These new bits of technology then Phillip’ and I spent most of my time I could probably have built an igloo over fear. There is no doubt that activist can find themselves had to be custom built, custom tested, looking over my shoulder and that’s out of it and it would have been struc- Nathan has the former in truck loads. canvassing door to door with custom destroyed and then custom how the name came about.” But turally sound.” When I asked him the inevitable an “experienced campaign rebuilt to make sure it actually does it seems the food proved the most It is when he talks about the question of “what next” he replied, buddy”. No doubt Cambridge’s work.” This whole process from difficult hurdle. “I had to consume dangers he encountered everyday “I don’t want to become a competi- residents could think of nothing making the necessary specialist between 6500 to 7000 calories a that you realise quite how brave tion adventurer. Most of the earth better than to receive a knock equipment to actually transporting day (about 3 times as much as your this was. He had a constant fear of has been explored. If I had a choice on the door from one spotty him to the North Pole was hugely average person), yet at the same falling through the ice which varied I would go to Mars – scientists have teenager, and one slightly less expensive and his attempt to find time, I had to have the maximum in thickness from tens of metres to recently discovered a glacier, it’s spotty teenager, explaining the sponsors during a time of economic number of calories for the smallest only a couple of millimetres. If you only a small glacier but my tent is not subtle, yet important, differ- hardship proved particularly diffi- given weight.” Therefore his diet are to fall in “that is it, the experts too big, so we’ll see what we can do”. ences between “third way cult. This was exemplified by the fact consisted of ghee (purified butter fat reckon you have about 7 seconds to And you know what, after meeting progressivism, Fabian gradual- that four months before he planned which is too illegally unhealthy to be get out but that’s never realistically him, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if ism and Bennite socialism”. to leave, his main sponsor, who sold as butter), Quaker porridge oats going to happen”. Polar bears are he does do it. TillY BRoWnE Indeed, unlike their Conser- vative counterparts, CULC Rob PEAL places a strong emphasis on its formal links with the party Hi! Society: Linkline proper. So much so that the highlight of their term card, the visit of the Labour MP Jon Linkline: confidential and non-directive, “The nightline for Cambridge and ARU” Cruddas, will be held jointly with the local Labour party. This Modestly stuck on the inside of toilet cheeky trip to the bakery aisle or a Rather, Linkline works on the tried is not to say that the student doors across the University are stick- late night lament to a neighbour will and tested principle that “it’s better body has been engulfed by the ers emblazoned with the Linkline get them back on track. Sometimes out than in”. “We won’t tell you homogeneity of party politics, logo, informing us all of the organi- however, we don’t have this option. what to do or give you advice but we the organisation describes itself sation’s telephone number. Indeed, For around 30 to 50 people per week, will provide you with the time and as a “broad church, unafraid to when I mentioned the service to “about five to six calls a night”, this space to talk things through in confi- be constructively critical of the fellow students, the name was famil- is where Linkline comes in. dence”, they promise. And without Labour Party”. iar to all. People were a little quieter, The dedicated team (“it’s hard to any political or religious affiliation, So if you want to become however, when it came to explaining say how many are on the team – it’s this independent service can indeed part of this broad church, and exactly what purpose the organisa- always changing”) of trained listen- be fair and unbiased. perhaps one day become Lord tion served. ers lend their ears to whoever needs Linkline is always on the lookout Chancellor, Secretary of State Linkline was founded in 1973 and to speak to them between 7am and for volunteers, who sign up with for Health, or a world famous survives on university support and 7pm every day. the organisation at the start of the investigative journalist, then private donations. Linkline’s firm belief in confiden- academic year and receive all the do as Charles Falconer, Patricia We have all had low points when tiality is evident in the operators necessary training and support. Hewitt and Andrew Gilligan everything seems to be going wrong. never asking for callers’ names and If you would like to use the Linkline all did, and go and get yourself With fifth week pending, the feeling in the fact that the hotline keep their service, phone them directly on a beer and sandwich. simon will soon be all too familiar. For 1471 function disabled at all times. 01223 367575 or to volunteer visit glasson a lot people, a phone call home, a They don’t claim to work miracles. www.linkline.org.uk. JaCK sWaiT News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday October 30th 2009 7 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS

Cambridge College Spies King’s Watch Girton The world renowned chapel of King’s College, The Lawrence Room, a small museum at which took over 100 years to build, is being Girton, has been refurbished and reopened, celebrated in a boasting cutting-edge display cases and three photographic main exhibits – the Mediterranean, Egyptian exhibition for its and Anglo-Saxon. 500th Anniversary. Since 1934 the room has been Cambridge gradu- used as a museum but interest ate, Tony Eva, in it has revived lately as it has captured “36 views been re-organised with a new of King’s College catalogue, because exhibits chapel” that will be are now open to the public on display. for the fi rst time with local The photos span Girtonians volunteering as from the refl ection curators. Also, the evidence of the building in a from the Anglo-Saxon puddle, to a shot of it exhibit, unearthed from the setting the backdrop college site in 1881, is being Exhaustion and Blues to a bustling street- used to support grant appli- Robinson A certain reputable sportsman, scene. Eva based cations for the excavation of hardy on the water but appar- the exhibit on the 36 the Farm site. ently less so after a heavy night images of Mount Fuji With planning for May Week 2010 beginning, The pieces on display have out, made quite a blunder last by Japanese artists the President of last year’s Robinson May been procured both from weekend. Having inveigled one Katsushika Hokusai. Ball Committee, Jessica Brush and her Vice- benefactors and supporters lucky lady back to his less-than- Exhibition at King’s Poet Graham High President, Sam Oxley, were elected to lead as well as the graveyard that humble abode, our practiced has written haikus, a form of poetry peculiar preparations for the event again in 2010. was unearthed from the site Romeo made his preparations to Japan, to accompany the photographs on The appointment of the same students into of the college. Amongst the with much aplomb. He littered his boudoir with twinkling display. As these poems traditionally have a these positions for two years running is surpris- most interesting is the named candlelight mingled with rose seasonal dimension, the pictures of the chapel ing in itself and the fact that they are both in mummy Hermione Gramma- petals and completed the tableau are set at different times of the year. their third year adds to the rarity. Amongst the tike (pictured). with a classic CD. Perhaps these The exhibit, hosted by the King’s College Art fi rst and cheapest balls, Robinson’s Phantas- Visitors are allowed into the museum efforts proved all too much, Centre, was free and ran between 11am and magoria-themed event was popular last year between 2pm and 4pm on Thursdays and there however, as by the time his 5pm every day until October 29th. and its organisers shared in this success. is no charge on entrance. patient partner was given the green fl ag to enter, our dear protagonist was to be found sprawled comatose atop his amorous bedstead. You snooze, University you lose. Oxford University University of Connecticut Marking their territory Watch Two boomeranging Cantabs Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss, twins who sued Jasper Howard’s funeral took place on Monday. left quite a mark on their the founder of Facebook, have been included in The student was stabbed outside a university alma mater. Schooled with the this year’s Oxford Boat Race (below) squad authorized dance on the UConn campus last princes, the qualities of a gentle- of 26. In 2004, the pair claimed Mark Zucker- Exeter University man apparently missed this Sunday. The attack happened hours after the berg stole his idea from ConnectU, a social rowdy pair. After a long night starting cornerback for the Huskies helped networking site they set up whilst at Harvard. Fifteen Exeter students have been left with of tipple and tomfoolery, the his team to win a homecoming game over A confi dential settlement agreement was permanent scars after taking part in a group obvious choice seemed to be a Louisville. reached in February 2008. challenge to brand themselves. They reshaped visit to the monstrous biblioth- A 21 year old man, Johnny Hood, has been eca of this grand institution. After reaching the Olympic pairs fi nal in a metal coat hanger into the initial of the hall arrested in connection with the fi ght but no one For a fi nal taste of the tearoom, Beijing, they have started an MBA course at they had stayed at in the previous year. has been charged with his death. According to you ask? Oh no, if only. This the Saïd Business School at Oxford. The last After holding it on a hot stove for 30 seconds, Fox news, UConn police are saying witnesses to repugnant pair had decided to twins to partake in the race were Hugh and they then held it against their bodies for a the killing are being threatened with violence if make the pilgrimage in order to Robert Clay in 1982, winning with Oxford. furter 10 seconds in order to mark their skin. defecate before the UL. Truly they come forward with evidence. The Huskies Three of the students were treated in hospital splendid. and given antibiotics to fi ght infections caused paid respects to Howard at Saturday’s game Harvard University by this disasterous stunt. against West Virginia, holding hands and A conservative exit The event took place at a house party and the bowing their heads for a moment’s silence. They Harvard have made public an incident which participants have admitted to having drunk a then headed to Miami for Howards funeral. Satiated with port and burst- occurred on August 26th, concerning the lot of alcohol prior to the incident. Nonethe- ing with cheese after a certain Righty assemblage, the hero poisoning of six medical researchers who used less, one of the students affi rms that “it wasn’t Birmingham University of this here tale landed up a coffee machine contaminated with sodium a spontaneous thing; we had talked about with a chum in the hallowed azide. Police are investigating and lab security it before”. However, another student told halls of Trinity College. After is being toughened up as it is suspected that Exeter’s student newspaper Exepose that: “it Paul Sadler was told in a hearing last week the inevitable drunken diver- this was not an accident. wouldn’t have happened if we were all sober”. that he will face a jail sentence for an approx- sions and duels had run their imate £5 million stolen from the university. course, said carouser decided Sadler was managing director of Birmingham the time had come for him to Research and Development Ltd, a subsidiary make his way home. On fi nding company of the university which sells rights the appropriate gate sealed to their “intellectual property”. He admits he and bolted, this booze-blurred stole the money to feed his gambling habit. brain could conceive but one expedient exit. A trip to the Sadler’s book-keeper Christine Eggleton also porters seemed all too strenous, admitted to involvement in the theft. Judge apparently. Instead, he plunged Goodier said because of the large amounts of head-fi rst into the icy moat of money stolen they could expect to go to jail the college, fl ailing and gasping when sentenced next month. JOSIE FILMER in his Sunday Best. Cambridge 170x270mm color FINAL.Page 1 10/27/2009 3:59:37 PM

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9212_Cambridge_Fellowship_Ad.indd 1 5/10/09 12:23:14 Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Friday October 30th 2009 9 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Comment HallOWeen eSSay: Facing Down the Facts

alloween has long associa- terms fail: how can one physically tions with festivals of the vast evidence for the paranormal is highly account for the experience of the Hthe dead and with occult sophisticated and has intriguing parallels with quantum hospital worker with a sore left practices. Also, it is associated side? At least something analogous with tricks and pranks. The two theory, says JoHn PoYnton. only an out-of-date bias to non-local interaction in quantum tend to go together in the popular mechanics seems to be operating, mind: experience of visits by the can explain the hostility of the scientific establishment some resonance that operates dead and other occult phenomena Michael lovett non-physically. Failure or refusal to are thought to be the result of see this continues to put psychical deliberate trickery or of being research beyond the conventional tricked by one’s senses. Despite pale, and gives rise to the ‘attitude this, people who have had direct of incredulity’ that Sidgwick experience of what may be called protested against. It is still very the paranormal do not find the much with us despite the mountain idea of being tricked either by of facts documented in a vast litera- themselves or by others very ture on psychical research. convincing. Some idea of the scope and Whether the experience was current activities within the field direct mind-reading, prophetic of psychical research may be found dreams, or witnessing an appari- in the Society’s website, www.spr. tion, it felt very much a true part ac.uk. The term ‘psychical research’ of their reality. Identical twins will has tended to be equated with probably know what I am talking ‘parapsychology’, but this now about, like a hospital worker who seems restrictive. If ‘psychology’ unaccountably felt sudden pains in may be thought to include the study her left leg and had bruises devel- of claimed paranormal beliefs and oping on the left side of her body. It experiences without making any turned out that her twin sister was presumptions about the existence involved in a car accident at the of ‘the paranormal’, then ‘parapsy- same time some 400 miles away, chology’ could be thought to take a and was injured along her left under a heap of facts’. A sizeable thinking, or ruling paradigm, that Yet quantum theory showed that step further by considering whether side in the same places. This kind heap rapidly began to accumulate, will proof itself against all conflict- waves, or other structures control- these beliefs and experiences may of happening has been carefully and continues to grow with increas- ing evidence and ideas, a paradigm ling probability, are beyond the be based on non-physical events and studied by G. L. Playfair in his ingly greater sophistication. There that may be dislodged only by the scope of physical observation, and processes. The study of such occur- 2002 book Twin Telepathy. are some eight universities in the kind of mental switch identified cannot even be physically located. rences could be separately identified As people with such experiences UK where courses are currently in Thomas Kuhn’s study of the Against the standard view that and termed ‘paraphysics’, which is generally seem good observers and given, usually under the term structure of scientific revolutions. ‘reality’ is an exclusive property where thinking in terms of multi- of reasonably sound mind, their parapsychology, and the peer- Kuhn saw the history of science of actualities in this world, the level systems becomes necessary. reports tend to be quite convinc- reviewed research literature is as a succession of tradition-bound idea of potentiality developed by Finally the term ‘paracosmology’ ing even to others who have not huge. Yet the ‘scandal’ persists. periods punctuated by revolutions, Heisenberg and others saw ‘reality’ could refer to the broadest study had their own direct experience. Why the persistence? Well, each revolution replacing one set of to reside at least as much in causal of the manifestation of any world The feeling may arise that serious conventional thinking is not as theories and procedures by another. structures and processes which and its objects on any occasion of attention should be given to the readily killed by a heap of facts as The revolutions tend to be messy are not contained in the same level observation in a variety of states, ostensible phenomena. Among Sidgwick hoped. A later president and irrational, with people of one as are the resulting actualisations. such as recorded in out-of-body groups of people having had this of the SPR pointed out that scien- paradigm clinging to it regardless This does not fit the ruling one-level and near-death experiences. The feeling was a small collection of tists are a priori theorists at heart; of facts for the sake of intellectual materialistic paradigm, yet the latter involves the scientific study of scholars centred in Cambridge while psychical research continues security and professional stand- paradigm proves to be impervious non-physical worlds which several around the 1880s. A Society for to amass evidence, several standard ing — and one might add, also for to the full implications of quantum far-thinking authors have called Psychical Research (SPR) was ideas and theories are currently sentimentality, since the material- theory, and resolutely survives. for. Such is the scope of psychical launched in London under the set against accepting the evidence. istic paradigm has been hard-won, In its dealings with a multi-level research, seen from a twenty-first presidency of Henry Sidgwick, then There is the background power of emerging as it did from the revolu- ontology, quantum theory is highly century perspective. And if Praelector of Moral and Political pervasive materialism, and a more tion of the Enlightenment. relevant to attempts to make something funny happens to you on Philosophy at Cambridge. Review- proximate power of ideas such as It is not often acknowledged — sense of paranormal phenomena, Halloween, compose yourself with ing the new society’s research from neuroscience, which, with the or even fully realised — that some even if it cannot successfully be thoughts of multi-level ontology, and agenda in 1883, which included philosophical laxity prevalent in basic notions of the Enlightenment used to ‘explain’ these phenom- see if you can add something to the thought-reading, clairvoyance and standard science, rules out the possi- were undermined early in the last ena (although some say it can). heap of facts. ‘obscure phenomena commonly bility of mental events operating century by the development of Psychical research may be seen to known as Spiritualistic’, Sidgwick independently of the brain. It is not relativity and quantum theory. The continue undermining materialism John Poynton is an emeritus considered it a ‘scandal’ that there difficult to show flaws in philosophi- materialistic view generated during in essentially the same direction professor of biology, University of was a ‘dispute as to the reality of cal materialism and in neurological the Enlightenment holds that reality as quantum theory by demon- KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa, and these marvellous phenomena’. The determinism or reductionism, but subsists only in objects located strating the multi-level nature of a research associate of the Natural Society’s aim, he suggested, was that is not really what matters. precisely in the physical world; what exists, non-physical as well History Museum in London. He is to ‘kill’ the prevailing ‘attitude of The reality is that materialism and everything else is either imaginative as physical. Attempts to explain a past president of the Society for incredulity’ by ‘burying it alive reductionism form a set pattern of or abstract and so lacking ‘reality’. psychic phenomena in physical Psychical Research.

discipline under the sun. His Ernst von Fleischl-Marxow, now solely attributed to Freud’s probably by a better doctor with a Overrated ideas may no longer be medically causing severe cocaine psychosis mythical genius. In fact, his major more successful history of curing Week 4: Sigmund Freud respected, but the Austrian is still and subsequent death. contribution was to provide order patients than Freud). welcome to a seat at any pseudo- He also gratuitously stole his to a pre-existing impulse. The unconscious, Freud’s most intellectual dinner party in the ideas. The unconscious was not a The precepts of Freudian famous stolen idea, is also his most land. This is no good thing. new concept; it had been kicking thought are themselves deeply objectionable. By claiming that Even in his own lifetime, about for an age in the writings of unpleasant. His obsession with some phantom ‘childhood trauma’ Freud’s diagnoses and research (proper) thinkers from Schopen- phallocentricity is somewhat has ‘disturbed’ you, you can now were considered somewhat hauer to Shakespeare. In 1898, misogynist, and a fascination with get away with almost any bizarre questionable. He regularly two years before the publication child abuse and infant sexuality enactment of psychosis. Freudian- misquoted or misrepresented case of The Interpretation of Dreams, are not ideal character traits in a ism actively encourages people histories, compounded rather than the Russian Boris Sidis wrote man whose ideas went on to shape into a cowardly abdication of any reud is riding the crest of cured his patients’ neuroses, and The Psychology of Suggestion: A so much of our thought on sex. Any personal responsibility. Freud is an academic wave, one that was an enthusiastic advocate and Research into the Subconscious theorist who tries to normalise responsible for more disorder in Fsees his ideas fashionably user of cocaine. He prescribed it to Nature of Man and Society, a book the events of Oedipus Rex needs our society than any other philoso- discussed and applied to every his friend, the respected physician that dealt extensively with ideas careful examination (though pher. Brendan Gillott 10 Friday October 30th 2009 Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Comment and Editorial www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Now we know what a lightweight

Established in 1947 Nick Griffi n is. Time for a proper Issue No 704 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF debate about immigration Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 suggest that Griffi n’s hour had preparation and calculation. Jamie Pollock changed something. The BNP There was a defi nite difference leader, writing in a message to between the displays of Le Pen May the Market Forces be supporters, suggested that the and Griffi n. Of course we can argue broadcast would be “the key that bad publicity is better than efore Nick Griffi n’s hour on moment that propels the BNP into no publicity, but on the basis that with you the BBC’s Question Time, the big time…a milestone in the Griffi n failed to come off the ropes Bthe scheduled appear- indomitable march of the British for any serious length of time that ance was being compared by a National Party towards saving our night, we have little reason to For third years looking towards the leaky job market of 2010, the number of commentators to that country”. expect anything close to the success overwhelming feeling seems to be one of helplessness. Like fl ies to of Jean-Marie Le Pen in 1984 Dr Shields saw Le Pen’s appear- experienced by Le Pen’s National the gods of global market forces, we are left without a grip on our on France’s L’Heure de vérité, a ance as ‘a real milestone passed in Front. future. For the standard Cambridge control freak who has placed leading programme of political political acceptability’. But to talk The cheap shots Griffi n deliv- a big old tick in every box going since nursery school, it is rather debate. That year was marked by of milestones in Griffi n’s case would ered, attacking Jack Straw for gutting to have one’s starting salary snatched away in a global a steep rise in membership to the be premature. To talk of political his father’s pacifi sm in the Second recession triggered by unemployed Americans defaulting on their Front National and the start of a acceptability would be ridiculous. World War, revealed a man who mortgages. series of notable electoral gains The BNP leader, a former historian knew he would take a beating. If However, we should not let ourselves use this as an excuse. Even for Le Pen’s far-right party, which and law student at Downing who being given a seat on the Question though job numbers are down and applicants are up, companies was transformed from one of little graduated with a 2:2 and a blue in Time panel was an early Christmas are still recruiting. There is no point throwing one’s hands in the electoral signifi cance to a notable boxing, is said to have taken up the present for Nick Griffi n, it was air and giving up before even having started, using the media force, winning 11% of the vote at sport after a brawl with an anti- the equivalent of a pair of Crocs: doom-mongering as a convenient justifi cation for post-graduation European elections that summer. fascist party member in Lewisham. embarrassing and ugly. It’s diffi cult cold feet. According to Dr Jim Shields, Last week’s appearance was a bout to take seriously a man who, having The main problem that leads to such behaviour is the fallacy of associate professor in French he lost. associated with the Ku Klux Klan, a perfect vocation. Of course, there are a smattering of precocious studies at Warwick University, the What Le Pen did in 1984 on complains of having faced a ‘lynch “single hour on prime-time televi- L’Heure de vérité was to present sportsmen and magical musicians for whom a career path is never mob’- why shouldn’t he face the sion paid huge political dividends himself in a way which made him anger of the vast majority of our in doubt. But for most of us, making the distinction between what for Le Pen and the Front National”. appear publicly acceptable. Making population? He was on the wrong you want to be (projected and ideal) and what you want to do on For Le Pen, whose success peaked use of the 1984 broadcast, end of a relentless attack. What leaving university (immediate and practical) is vital. It would be in 2002 when he made it to the he asserted himself and of it? You can’t deal a fi ghter a lovely to leave Cambridge and land a job as a war correspondent, run-off round of voting in sought to establish knockout blow if they don’t enter but away from our fantasies it is important to remember the the French Presidential some control over the ring. tedious formality of a job ladder. election, L’Heure de vérité proceedings, even Nazi-bashing is all too easy. What That is not to say the job ladder is for all. In fact, for many (The Hour of Truth) was demanding a Griffi n’s hour of questioning really graduates now is the perfect time to start gigging with the band ‘the hour that changed minute’s silence represented, of course, was current you started at school, or write that book you always meant to, or everything’. for the victims of dissatisfaction with the political even go on another gap year. If you can afford it, or don’t mind a A YouGov/Telegraph Stalin’s gulags. mainstream. There is no compara- quality of living somewhat below your City chums, then you might poll conducted after Le Pen surprised tive fi gure to put into context the as well cut your luxury losses and do something for love not money. Question Time, which found people with a claim that 22% would ‘seriously Another reason why not to leap onto the fi rst rung is to that 22% of participants performance which consider’ voting BNP at the next remain in education. More and more students are fi nishing their would ‘seriously displayed election, but we can be sure that undergraduate degrees only to embark on MPhils, law conversions, consider’ marked the failure of the major parties to or further BAs in other fi elds. If you can get funding, why not voting properly address the immigration spend a few more years bolstering your brain in the library? BNP, question has had an impact. Once you have left University, the charmed life of a (non-mature) might Of the 6,435-word speech made student will remain forever unobtainable. by Gordon Brown at last month’s However, it is important not to let such options boil down to Labour Party conference, only 83 casual delaying tactics to postpone the fear. For many leaving were about immigration. Cameron, in his equivalent, offered a mere Cambridge, the source of this fear maybe be having to revert 58. What a seriously disillusioned back to the bottom of a well-placed but nonetheless sizable section of the British population heap. Mitchell and Webb famously talk of their forlorn years in really needs to see is a long, brutal a Kilburn fl at living on £13 a day, whilst Jeremy Paxman started and bloody fi ght between these at a distinctly unglamorous regional radio station before he was two. If there are enough real unleashed to lambast the great and the good. Perhaps the greatest heavyweights to fi ght, lightweights fear of entering the job market is returning to rookie status. shouldn’t need a beating.

‘prime example of cultural assimila- The constant offer to go into a new Sports Centre. Letters to the Editor tion’, but a product of economic more depth ‘for a small fee’ was Jan-Jonathan Bock apartheid. The poor majority the most irritating of all; head over Peterhouse struggle to live. Their roots are in to the Divinity faculty and you enslavement and genocide of the will discover many people with I thoroughly enjoyed your survey t was good to see the picture of think you could publish the quick natives. Mestizos originate from the subtler and better defenses against comparing academic success with the konik horses on the front route for the benefi t of navigation- shadow of genocidal repression,a Dawkins who might even explain extra-cirricular activities. Too often Ipage of last week’s issue, and ally challenged readers like myself? shadow that is still dark, and a Aquinas for free! people think academia is solely to hear that their home, Wicken David Carter policy of political persuasion. Laura Solomons what we’re here for. We’re not! We Fen, is ‘just two miles outside King’s Ignas Bednarczyk Emmanuel should be fi nding out what fl oats all Cambridge our boats. Some people like drink- Rhys Jones’ Diana-bashing seems a The debate concerning the ing, some like acting, some like little extreme, (Overrated, 23rd The interview with Terry Eagleton relationship between Peterhouse getting muddy in a fi eld. I person- October). I wonder what Diana has was highly sympathetic, disre- and CUSU is more nuanced than ally quite enjoy writing. And why ever done to him? Maybe, in another garding the realism that Eagleton Varsity admits (Front page story, shouldn’t we? Here’s to a degree of Cambridge city centre’. Last life, on her way to help those less himself preaches. There was more last week). Tom Chigbo’s visit was outside the box! time I went there I followed what fortunate than us she pushed in than a ‘sniff’ in response to the not received with hostility. Most Ryland Alexander must have been a circuitous route front of him in the queue for a bus? sweeping generalisations that students, Peterhouse Freshers, Trinity through Bottisham and the Swaff- Jonny Aldridge were made about America, and the were extremely happy to see the hams. It was nice, but it took me an Homerton College comparison of Gaza to a concentra- CUSU President visiting the small- Email [email protected] by hour and a half to cycle and must tion camp was inappropriate and est College. Some students even Wednesday lunchtime for the chance to have been about twenty miles, so Whatever Vanessa Neumann unnecessary in a talk advertised as spontaneously cheered when he win a bottle from the Cambridge Wine now I feel a bit of an idiot. Do you claims, the Mestizo culture is not a being about faith. mentioned CUSU’s commitment to Merchants. Letters may be edited. Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Friday October 30th 2009 11 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Comment

Not-Sci

Message to all ghostly presences: man up

onely phantoms reading this column: you’ve no Lreason be scared of scientists. There is nothing frightening about several alert humans, also draped in white, who could record your ghostly disturbance with fancy machines and prove your existence. The ‘most haunted’ places are always castles, pubs, churches. One would expect Cambridge to have at least one haunted laboratory or science sighting, not just a bookshop. Disembodied entities, note well: if scientists didn’t believe in the invisible, Cambridge would not have produced so many revolutionary minds. Scientifi c genius is inextri- cably linked with calculating and predicting the behaviour of that invisible to human In the worst job market for thirty years, an English senses. Let’s take three Cambridge Nobel laureates. MPhil suddenly seems a lot more attractive Trinity undergraduate and second Cavendish Professor to fi nd themselves in expensive the stockpile of unemployed gradu- I will be ill-equipped for the months of Physics Lord Rayleigh, Kate Mason European cities or else tearfully ates willing to fi ght it out over any of unpaid internships that are the through careful weight calcula- passive-aggressive outbursts about sliver of employment deepens as I norm for creatively-inclined gradu- tions, noticed the content of my revision schedule and having write. ates. Working for nothing is, at the air contained one percent ‘enough on my plate’. But I had And what exactly does my MPhil least, cheaper than an MPhil. One of ‘something else’ in the e’ve all seen them. Lurking secretly applied for some Masters on Children’s Literature show to the of my friends has been working at early 1900s. This led to the at the edge of Cindies or courses and, listening to yet another prospective employer? Certainly a national newspaper over the past discovery of chemical element Wthe college bar, awkwardly radio presenter blithely wish this love for my subject and academic three months (for free, obviously). argon. Paul Dirac, Lucasian clutching VKs and smiling vaguely year’s graduates well, from the engagement with it. Certainly I’ve mocked him about his enthu- Chair of Mathematics in 1932, at many, while speaking to few. comfort of her paid job, I deter- profi ciency in writing essays and siasm for slavery, only for him to is responsible for the Dirac Not Freshers, of course. No self- mined to stick with what I knew and using a library. Possibly the ability fi nally fi nd his way onto the payroll equation, which can be applied respecting Fresher would be seen do an MPhil. It might, I reasoned, to hit deadlines and manage my last week. And the copy he’s built to the behaviour of unbeliev- dead reticently lingering when even improve my job prospects. time, though that is open to debate. up is an investment in itself. ably small and elusive particles: there are friends and conquests But will it? The Government But life skills? Things that would Yet I refuse to despair. My plan electrons and protons. Even to be made. So who are these seems to think so. The Department be useful in a real offi ce in the real is to pack my three (defi nitely) this year’s winner of the loiterers? for Business, Innovation and Skills world? I can’t imagine that my fi nal university holidays to the chemistry Nobel and research The clue lies in their ghostly website encourages graduates to ability to deconstruct Beatrix Potter brim with work experience and CV fellow at Trinity, Venkatraman demeanour; their wizened, faintly is going to come in very useful enhancement to make myself more Ramakrishnan, was working familiar faces. It is also to be found working at McKinsey or BT or even marketable. Perhaps it’s what comes with the atomic level struc- in their enthusiastically entitled “Deconstructing Faber & Faber. with the extra year of study that ture of the ribosome. new Facebook albums: ‘Fourth I fear that, noble though the is helpful, rather than the degree With the exception of the Time Freshers’ and ‘Yet another Beatrix Potter pursuit of academic excellence itself? Without the frenzy of fi nals, occasional physicist I have Michaelmas!!!’ Yes, these people are undoubtedly is, to many employ- we lingerers are free to found a new met, the general consensus postgrads, and they’re riding out won’t be useful ers my extra year might seem society, endlessly audition for plays amongst the strictly scientifi c the recession with the aid of their just a determined effort to put off or even write for Varsity. community is that all these 10 per cent discount at Topshop. for working at the search for a job, while staying Will it be enough? The fi nal word share two things in common I have a confession to make. I’m McKinsey or BT” occupied. Martin Storey in the on this goes to the merciless vision with each other but only one one too. Early in May I awoke to Independent last week warned of Elspeth Farrar from the Associa- thing in common with trying to yet another radio news bulletin graduates against making such tion of Graduate Careers Advisory prove the existence of spirits. announcing that the ‘Crunch consider further study. I’m also told a mistake: “It’s all too easy to Services: “It’s been bad for those First, they have all involved generation’ of 2009 graduates – my we should perhaps ‘work abroad, to continue down the same path in who graduated in 2008, it’s going researching that immeasurable generation – was facing the worst avoid the worst of the recession’. order to put off thinking about a to be awful for those who gradu- to the human sense. Second, job market in nearly thirty years. Not terribly comforting. Richard career or dealing with increasing ate this year, but it’s nothing although not directly observ- I was in the middle of my English Reeves, director of the thinktank competition for graduate jobs.” compared to what the graduates able, effect on the environment fi nals and the hard facts of the Demos, agrees: “‘Let them do Actually, continuing “down the same of 2010 are going to face.” Ah, was measurable and repeat- Today programme seemed very master’s degrees’ is the modern path” isn’t as easy as he seems to excellent. What I should be doing, able using scientifi c apparatus. far away. I had batted away all equivalent of ‘let them eat cake’. think, but you can understand why therefore, is not a measly MPhil, It is hotly debated whether earnest parental enquiries about You just worsen the problem.” employers might be cynical. but the whole four-year PhD research on supernatural my plans for next year with stories Indeed, with graduate job vacan- What’s more, having spent yet extravaganza. I defy there to be beings has demonstrated of family-sponsored friends off cies in the City falling 28% in 2008, another year haemorrhaging money, ‘no jobs’ by 2013. the latter. SITA DINANAUTH MPhil in Multi-disciplinary Gender Studies

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Welcome to Cambridge! You are entitled to a 20% discount on any title – just show your University Featuring the best art, poetry, photography, writing ID to our staff. We look and graphic design from in and around Cambridge, forward to welcoming each copy of The Hill is unique, hand-covered you soon. and numbered out of a Limited Edition of 500.

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1 Trinity Street Cambridge CB2 1SZ Phone 01223 333333 www.cambridge.org/bookshop Magazine Editor: Laurie Tuffrey Friday October 30th 2009 13 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Vulture

Reviews p24 Arts p22 Do you still remember? Let Bloc Feast your fangs in this, Darcy: Party take you back to your teens. Vulture Austen gets bloody butchered. Arts, Features, Reviews

JOHNNY BOYLAN

“I was content to stay here: growing tweed in the corner of some college with hair growing out of my nostrils by the age of 30”: Stephen Fry on living the academic life Full English Fry Up Stephen Fry is nothing short of a national treasure. Joel Massey chairs an audience with the star of fi lm, television and Twitter at the ADC. He hears about Hugh Laurie, cynicism and the ‘living salmon’ that is success

have been trying to remember when Stephen’s career got off to a rocketing ‘show.’ I was content to stay here: growing hairy-nostrilled-Fry and Hong-Konger- I was last here,” begins Stephen Fry start back in 1981. He, Hugh Laurie and tweed in the corner of some college with police-cadet-Laurie would be a somewhat “I as he strolls on to the ADC stage. Emma Thompson were all in the Footlights hair growing out of my nostrils by the age impoverished version of our own. “I think it was a Tudor, but it might have tour show, The Cellar Tapes, which went on of 30. Hugh had a stranger ambition. He “So no,” he goes on, “at the time it just been a Plantagenet King.” This was the fi rst to win the fi rst ever Perrier Comedy Award wanted to join the Hong Kong police force. doesn’t occur to you that you’re anything in a very long string of witticisms that kept and be televised by the BBC. I fi rst wonder He liked the ironed white shorts, and he’d special. Because many of you grew up with the audience on their toes all afternoon. “I whether having Hugh, Emma and him all read somewhere – this is very Hugh – that us on your screens, we don’t seem like thought I’d come back,” he continues, “to talk up in Edinburgh felt like an extraordinary they were corrupt. He fancied himself ordinary people. But, believe me, we are. to you about my time here at Cambridge. concentration of talent at the time. going in and being the incorruptible shining Except,” he pauses mischievously, “I never Particularly with respect to Drama: that “I don’t think so,” he replies, “for Hugh light of the Hong Kong police force.” Lucky go to the lavatory.” fi ckle goddess who we all serve with such and I it never occurred to us that we could for us, then, that neither pursued these passion, commitment and sacrifi ce.” have a profession in… this business we call dreams; surely a parallel universe containing (continued overleaf) Friday October 30th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng 14 Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

What do he and Laurie lend each other ‘I’m writing this song, but I’m a bit stuck.’ I heard they’re shit too.’ It’s the same every ever want, instead of doing lots of things in their famous collaborations? “Yes, well, We did some lyrics together, finished the song year. When we had our show in Edinburgh really well, to do one thing really brilliantly?” Emma introduced us. She said you’ve got to and then right away he said, ‘Now let’s write we could overhear people saying that in the “That’s very tactful of you,” Stephen immedi- go and meet this Old Etonian chap Hugh. So a sketch.’ And this was before I’d had a cup street.” ately ripostes, putting his famed razor sharp she took me to his rooms at Selwyn, and he of tea or anything!” You get the sense Fry is Check out The Cellar Tapes on YouTube, wit to use. The audience member explained was there with a guitar in his hand. He said, still a little put out at this appalling affront. and you can see for yourself that Footlights that he was a student playwright himself, and “That was our first meeting,” he continues, were anything but shit in 1981. “You feel asked: “How do you move from doing stuff “and from then I was absorbed into the hated,” he explains, “you feel hated because here at a very small level, to doing stuff on a Fry Me to the Moon Footlights. After Cambridge we did A Bit of you’re at Oxbridge for a start. The real much larger scale?” Fry and Laurie.” advantage of going to Oxbridge is that you “Don’t be cynical,” Fry replies, “don’t think never have to deal with not having gone. it’s about the world and corporate structures. 1957 Born in Hampstead Being one of those people who say, ‘Yeeeah Put your effort in to your friendships. Find 1977 Studies English at Queens’ College “The real advantage of I thought of Oxford,’ ‘I’m sooo glad I never your sense of humour, your political anger, or got in to Cambridge.’ Of course it’s meaning- whatever you want to do. In a strange way, First series of A Bit of Fry and Laurie 1986 going to Oxbridge is less: there are people here who are so stupid success is like,” here, Fry pauses, “a living 1993 His first novel, The Liar, published that you wonder, not just how they got in to salmon; the harder you hold on, the further it that you never have to Cambridge, but how they manage to sit the flies from your grasp.” Aside from fish-based 2003 Begins presenting QI deal with not having right way on the lavatory! So yes, there’s analogies, Fry feels luck to have attended the 2006 His first documentary, The Secret Life always a bit of that with Oxbridge and University. “I’ve been very fortunate: and of the Manic Depressive, wins an Emmy gone” Footlights.” this place, this place within this place, this At this point I invite the audience to jump very Theatre, has had a lot to do with it. The 2008 Travels across in, and one of the members is immediately friendships I forged here have continued to all 50 US states in inquisitive: “You’ve said you have a need this day. So do focus on your lives and your Stephen Fry in The 1987-95 BBC sketch show is, along to please, but at Cambridge you did a huge friendships, because that’s where the answers America with Jeeves and Wooster, perhaps one of Fry number of shows: so how did you manage to lie, in my opinion.” 2010 Will be and Laurie’s most renowned collaborations. please any of your supervisors?” In a place that can often feel so stiflingly starring in Tim “We’d set ourselves a hard task, because “Well,” Fry recounts, “fortunately doing obsessed with success in the negative sense Burton’s adapta- we felt that every sketch should be a new English I didn’t have to go to any lectures. I (which teams do you play for? How many tion of Alice In one. We hadn’t realised the cunning Harry was a master of going to the UL at the last plays have you been in? What grade did Wonderland Enfield/Fast Show/Little Britain technique minute and finding an essay on Middlemarch you get?), it was refreshing to hear one of of doing the same seven sketches every half from some literary quarterly. My supervisor Cambridge’s most illustrious alumni rubbish- hour. But,” he says, with just ever so slightly would say, ‘Such a profoundly good essay on ing such cynicism. feigned sincerity, “that’s no criticism on these Middlemarch,’ and there’d be a little voice magnificent comedy enterprises.” inside me saying, ‘Ha ha, I haven’t read it!’ Was his background with Footlights a I didn’t do so well with dissertations, but I Stephen Fry’s visit to the ADC last week was part of burden when he was first starting out? “It could swing through an exam like nobody’s Upstaged, the ADC Theatre and Committee’s new sort of was. People always say, ‘Footlights business.” programme of workshops and events. To find out

mj kim are shit this year, have you heard?’ ‘Oh yeah, Somebody then chirps up with: “Do you more go to www.adctheatre.com/upstaged. 45 Pounds Later Colin, the latest zombie hair-raiser was made on an all-time low budget. Zing Tsjeng finds out how from directorMarc Price

still-human family who try their Hearing Price talk about Colin is out.” A few months later distribu- best to ‘rescue’ their erstwhile son. not unlike hearing your best mate tion companies like Pathé were It combines scenes of slapstick chat excitedly about a project fighting over the “cheap little humour (Colin confusedly trying conceived in the pub over too many camcorder movie” the director to escape a kitchen), extremely beers. expected only his friends and “a few surreal tenderness (his aghast Price, however, is reluctant to horror bloggers” to watch. As we family weeping over their undead take credit for a movie he conceived speak, he’s actually editing together son) and incredible violence and nursed to life: “the one thing extras for the DVD release and (achieved with a lot of golden I’m determined we shouldn’t have preparing for another horror film syrup, red food colouring and hot is ego. We’re making stuff to enter- festival. water, according to the director). tain”. The ‘we’ is Price’s production “It should always be about the Critics have called it ‘oddly touch- company, Nowhere Fast, made up content, the characters, the story ing’. “We wanted Colin to have a of him and his friends, although – not the technical quality.” Colin lot of heart,” Price says. “We live there is no question that Colin is isn’t just a triumph of British in relatively enlightened times. essentially Price’s unique creation. budget filmmaking at its best. Its Slapping a label on something as Price, however, demurs, saying he construction also has an undeni- either bad or good doesn’t wash owes an enormous amount to the able whiff of feel-good community with audiences. We wanted to take volunteers and friends kind enough spirit about it – who knew that a character that people would look to come along– although one zombies could bring so many people at and say ‘bad’ and give him more suspects that getting to pretend to together, and for free? emotional, complex layers.” be a zombie and eat people’s brains Price advertised for zombies was a very big factor in attracting on Facebook, looked for volun- people to turn up. Who doesn’t love teer make-up artists on industry a bit of brain food? websites, ground pasta shells While Price had directed two to imitate the sound of bones short films before and has a design snapping, and taught himself sound degree from Swansea Institute design, all in between working for of Higher Education, he’s never Colin star Alex Kirton as the titular flesh-eater. a London courier company. For come this close to the big time. the past year and a half, Price had Colin was first shown at Abbatoir, aking a movie on a 45 sugar.” Sainsbury’s Basics? This is been answering phones on the night a Welsh horror film festival, which pound budget isn’t just Moviemaking Basics, and it’s helped shift while editing together the caught the eye of his current agent, Mdifficult, it’s pretty much Colin, one of the first ever zombie movie on an old version of Adobe Helen Grace. Grace admits that she impossible. Yet, as Marc Price, films told from a zombie’s perspec- Premiere. In fact, the judicious use cancelled the meeting she had the Welsh-born director of what is tive, net an enormous amount of of shakycam (as used in The Blair next day and instead stayed up all probably the cheapest film to ever buzz. Witch Project), was intended to night watching it. It was also Grace premiere at Cannes, cheerfully Colin is an odd beast of a film: it not only hide the poor quality of who suggested going to the Cannes admits: “We spent most of it on follows its zombie protagonist as he his dad’s ten-year-old Panasonic Film Festival this summer. Price very cheap tea and biscuits. But shambles around Tooting, London, camcorder (“it had a lower resolu- himself spent the entire showing only on Sundays, because most and records his interaction with tion than a mobile phone”), but in a bar, drinking nervously: “I Marc Price filming with the assorted people were hung-over and needed his terrified victims and horrified, also to his friends’ “crappy acting”. couldn’t stomach people walking undead, yesterday. Arts Editor: Laura Freeman Friday October 30th 2009 15 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Arts

Andrew and His Amazing Music of the Night Technicolor As ticket sales mount for the opening of Love Never Dies, Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Career sequel to Phantom of the Opera, Jamie Ptaszynski reports from the premiere and asks: has the West End become a ghost of its former self? Lloyd Webber wrote his first musical in 1965 at the age of 17. The Likes of Us was an here is a saying in London in a few actual celebrities to whet itself. Having treated a few new phenomenon. In the 18th all-singing, all-dancing life of that only two industries are the audience’s appetite. Jodie hundred journalists and industry century, the Theatre Royal, Drury Victorian philanthropist Dr Tcompletely recession-proof: Prenger starred as Nancy along- guests to a snippet of his new Lane, was increased from a two Thomas Barnado. prostitution and theatre. The side comedian and film star Rowan musical, including the leading thousand to a three thousand seat record-breaking ticket sales of Atkinson as Fagin. The latter has song ‘Til I Hear You Sing, Lloyd arena because of the celebrity cult Phantom II: Love Never Dies (five now been replaced by comedian and Webber was whisked off to be inter- of actor David Garrick. He who Joseph and the Amazing million pounds in the first week) film star Omid Djalili, who is soon viewed by various representatives suggests that the Halcyon days Technicolor Dreamcoat certainly attest to the robustness of to be replaced by comedian and of the world press. Within three of the West End have been lost in (1967) the musical form. But is this robust- castle fanatic Griff Rhys Jones. hours, you could go on the official a quagmire of celebrity sell-outs ness an uplifting sign of the health of On the surface, then, it seems that website and see the Lord himself and easy revivals is as preten- British theatre, or is it the worrying Lloyd Webber’s decision to release cringing on stage at the number tious as he is misguided. It is a result of a cynical series of celebrity- a sequel to the enormously popular of superlatives about Phantom typically Cantabrigian attitude packed revivals and plentiful free Phantom of the Opera is another being smeared across that the theatre should be reserved advertising courtesy of license-fee- attempt to lure the punters into his the screen behind him. for those who can sit through funded TV casting shows? auditoria with the bare minimum of Twenty five thousand Shakespeare’s Hamlet and Michael Connie Fisher shot to fame effort, while carefully shutting the people did exactly that Frayn’s Copenhagen without a hint through the BBC’s live casting of stage door on any original creative before the end of the of a yawn or droop of an eyelid. It is her as Maria in the Sound of Music. talent still waiting in the side alley. day. not a tragic sign of the times that it Written at the request of the Lee Meade and Jodie Prenger Yet far from being stifled, You could be takes The Wire’s Detective Jimmy music master of Colet Court. followed shortly afterwards as new writers are blossoming: forgiven for think- McNulty to draw viewers to the Lloyd Webber toyed with James flat-pack celebrities in Joseph and Wicked, Avenue Q, Sister Act and ing that this event Donmar Warehouse, but a blessing Bond before settling on Old Oliver! There is no new material Priscilla have created sizeable was all about that we have celebrity actors like Testament clothes-horse Joseph. here: the marketing minds behind fan bases in the past couple of the composer’s Dominic West who are capable of the musical industry have simply years. Meanwhile, if any of you reinvention as the bringing out the greatness in a near Evita (1974) found a new way of drawing try to get a ticket to Jez Butter- camera-friendly forgotten Spanish play. audiences to old shows. By guaran- worth’s Jerusalem (hailed as the face of the West Theatre is popular entertain- teeing the popularity of the star on best new play of the decade) or End, the celebrity ment, and anything that makes it television before tickets even go Lucy Prebble’s Enron, you could godfather of Shaft- more popular should be seen as an on sale, they can be sure that the hardly argue that Keira Knight- esbury Avenue. In achievement, whether it’s Rowan tickets will actually sell. ley’s second coming as a stage fact, the climax of Atkinson doing his best Mr Bean This was taken a step further actress has stolen the attention of Ramon Remedios’s with a pair of opera glasses in when Andrew Lloyd Webber the playhouse rendition of the Oliver!, Harry Potter baring all in appeared on Hollyoaks and ‘talent- audience. Phantom’s pining love song Equus, or Lloyd Webber putting spotted’ one of the characters with The launch had lungs tightening all together a cast made up entirely of “Easily the most unpleasant a view to ending her career as a of Love around the auditorium. By characters from Eastenders, Corrie, character about whom I have hairdresser (or whatever Holly- Never Dies midnight, the Coney Island and Home and Away. written,” says Lloyd Webber, oaks people do) and casting her in was a slick Waltz, the musical backdrop Far from being a ghost of its “except perhaps Peron himself.” one of his shows. Lo and behold, piece of to the Phantom’s new home, former self, London theatre is (And maybe Joseph’s Mrs when Connie Fisher finished her theatre had been downloaded nearly livelier than ever. With regards Potiphar.) contract, said hairdresser was in six thousand times. The to Love Never Dies, I suggest that already standing in the wings success of this musical will be rather than turning up your nose wearing the blue habit. owed to the quality of Lloyd at the idea of a musical sequel, you Cats (1981) And when the self- Webber’s music, not to his cross your fingers and hope that assembly star of the celebrity status. someone’s already bought you show is missing a bit of But if it were, this a ticket. If not, you could be polish, you can just throw would not be a waiting some time.

Who’d have thought T.S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats would make it to Broad- way? Expect The Wasteland: The Musical in 2014.

Phantom of the Opera (1986)

Adaptation of Gaston Leroux’s novel. Cue divas, ballerinas, thousands of candles, a flooded stage and that chandelier crash. Oh, and Michael Ball in an Opera Cloak.

Katherine spence 16 Friday October 30th 2009 Fashion Editors: Charlie Lyons, Joe Pitt-Rashid and Lara Prendergast Friday October 30th 2009 17 Fashion www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Fashion

Jumpers and socks by Huxley clothing. www.huxleyclothing.co.uk 18 Friday October 30th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Seven Deadly Sins of Cambridge Week 4: Lust

have the moral compass of examples of the type I knew of were gave develop the that with a fl owery mini dress, the a fl ea. A bratty fl ea, with Roald Dahl, who I fancied from my me bookish know-how, right lighting, and a touch of sass, Icommitment and daddy cassette of him reading Charlie and time eloquence, and I have a fi ghting chance of charm- issues. Since the age of fi ve I have the Chocolate Factory, and Jafar in to mental health issues ing at least the short-sighted. I’ve terrorised any young man who Aladdin. which got me to univer- learned that a mutual love of Wes caught my wayward eye, like a It was only when I got sity. Higher education – the Anderson fi lms does not (always) an baby Mae West. Poor jittery boys to secondary school perfect opportunity to fulfi l earth-shattering romance make. I’ve of Year R, whom I shocked with that I really found my daydreams of depravity. also learned that, probably much to my invitations to join me behind what I was looking I presumed everyone would be the dismay of my younger, affection- the playhouse, or my innuendo- for: nerdy, greying genius dilettantes, looking at each starved self, not everyone who laden opening lines ‘I can already teachers in their late other knowingly over allows you under their John Lewis do joined-up writing’ and ‘let’s forties. When I was candlelit formal Value duvet is necessarily worth the read Where The Wild Things Are’. eleven my passions dinners and trouble, even if they do own enough Eventually my man-eating after- were neopets.com and making Bob Dylan bootlegs to charm your noon break times were curtailed silver foxes. This contin- jokes drunken compatibility radar. when I had my heart broken by ued through adolescence. about Essentially, I’ve been pretty William Harrison, who remained After all, what need had I for anal sex boring over the past two years coy despite my witty advances and the clammy-palmed fumblings of in Latin. when it comes to taking advantage my pelting him with pine cones. fi fteen year olds, when I could pass So, have of all the rich and varied oppor- He told on me to Miss Dauncy, the time watching Alan Rickman in I achieved the tunities for self-corruption which who sighed and once more wrote a Truly, Madly, Deeply and reading aspirations which a town full of youth, stress and specialist-recommending letter to the Times Literary Supplement, so I didn’t include in ‘Explicit Name’ cocktails could my amused mother. I realised that I’d have a better chance of picking my personal state- provide. But, perhaps, because this I had been wasting time on boys up recently divorced men ment? I’ve certainly is the one area of my life I make my age, who were more interested at my parents’ dinner encountered more any concerted effort in, I can say in making potato clocks and feeling parties. Such habits, and well-read pervs than I that I’m a fraction less clueless than guilty about their strange, exciting the fact that, oddly, not thought could reasonably I was, though sadly still inclined feelings for the pink Power Ranger. that many fi fteen year exist, sickly specimens who to go weak at the knees for a well What I needed was a mature man old boys were clamouring lull you by quoting Auden timed Arrested Development refer-

– though to that point the only to inexpertly touch me, LUCY NURNBERG and then pounce. I’ve realised ence. VICTORIA BEALE

Shadow Puppet Guide THE THICK OF IT Strap KAREN O Singing on the DANNII MINOGUE... new band in the new year. yourself in for another Where the Wild Things Are AGAIN What’s that? Is the world really ready season of Malcolm Tucker’s soundtrack, doing guest Good news you say? Yup, for the post-Oasis musical cursefest. We wish real vocals on the new Flaming Minogue’s fi nally going to shenanigans of Gallagher politics was this fi lthy. Lips album, wearing outfi ts release her ‘lost’ album The the Younger? In a word, no. HOT made of tin foil... is there 1995 Sessions. Scenes of NOT HALLOWEEN Carving nothing this woman can’t Beatlesmania-style crowds THE TEMPERATURE pumpkins? Check. Trick or do? waiting outside record stores First there was swine fl u, treating? Check. Sense of not to be expected. then there was freshers’ maturity? Oh... fl u and now there’s YOB ROCK Liam plain vanilla winter fl u. Gallagher has stated Big props to Lemsip his intention to form a and tissues. Week 4: The Wolf My week by Claire, Sainsbury’s Cashier*

Sunday hordes. Alcohol accounts for 90% unknown items in the bagging on the glass. Maureen phoned the at any other time. Terence still very unhappy with of purchases. And the costumes! area. One girl just sat there, sat police. “It was the thought of the There’s no place my new working hours. “Let the One girl arrived painted green and there on the bagging area whilst sausages,” the girl said. She said like Sainsbury’s at Poles do the lates,” he said. “Come wearing two bandannas. That was her friend bought seventeen limes. that to the police, if you believe it. midday on Friday. home to Daddy.” I explained that it. She had Raphael written on her She saw me looking at her. “It’s not “Those great thick chunks...” As it’s all about dedication. You don’t stomach. “I need a plastic bag.” like you can make a gin and tonic if it were all a big joke. And * As told to get to be Dry Goods Department I could see Dan watching as he without one,” she said. That wasn’t tomorrow somebody has Abi Dean Manager by skipping home at 6pm patrolled the tills. Listening. the worst of it. Another young man to choose their olives over every night. Maureen was all over “I’m afraid I can’t give you that.” scanned through two bottles of that counter. these extra shifts. Gets everything She threw up all over the till, vodka and left the store. Just upped her way since she gave Dan head instead. and left. I was all ready for store Friday in the ‘Spoons toilet at that staff approval and like that – gone. Dan The self-checkout queue Christmas party. And she doesn’t Tuesday lost him at Fopp. I couldn’t sleep stretching back to the even ask customers if they have a Strange evening. A boy in a loin after that. The shame of it. And wine. Students ramming Nectar card. cloth stood very patiently in the that echo in my head, round and wheelie baskets into each queue – lovely looking boy – and round, ‘thank you for using Sains- other at the Reduced Monday when he got to the front I realised bury’s self-checkout...’. stand to get a £1.59 Dan lined us evening rookies up he didn’t have any items. None chicken tikka for a briefi ng. It all felt a little like at all. “Cheesy chips,” he said. Thursday masala that going to war. “Do not assume that “Cheesy chips with extra cheese.” I Suspiciously quiet tonight. Modest went off every customer is over eighteen directed him to frozen food and he clothing all around. Pleasant till. yesterday. years of age,” he said. “Do not spent a good fi ve minutes studying We were so close to closing. Then it Plenty of let them take an excess of plastic the McCain selection. He had the happened. Maureen bounced past pleasant bags.” A long silence, there. strangest expression on his face. at the speed of light. “Copulation! pensioners “Asphyxiation,” he said. “This isn’t Gardies,” he said, “is it?” Copulation at the deli!” It was who could There were no casualties, but we Spent eleven to midnight at horrifi c. Both of them all dressed have done came close. They arrive in their self-checkout. Sixty minutes of up. The girl’s great cheek-prints their shopping CLAUDIA STOCKER Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Friday October 30th 2009 19 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sex, Food and TV Food and Drink Come Tanya Iqbal sorts out the best places to go to fi ll Together your noodle cravings in Cambridge.

Boys who are girls who like boys to be girls who do girls like they’re boys who do boys like they’re girls... Dead on the inside? Do the zombie shuffl e with your BFF from home.

ven men have the friend would it?” “But I feel so – alive.” they turn to in times of “BLACK. It means the traffi c I don’t remember where we Eemotional anguish. The light’s BROKEN. It means drank or what was confessed. Kris friend who will hold the phone as CRASH.” mounted the Jesus horse. Anna you weep down it; who will hold “How very unique.” threw up purple into a punt near that line whilst you cry yourself to She said that she’d be in Magdalene Bridge. At four in the nasty, drunken, sweaty sleep having Cambridge in 48 hours. A little morning, we cycled home with Kris Charlie Chan: the ‘main man’ for Chinese cuisine in Cambridge. forgotten to remove your shoes or spontaneity. I knew that she would stuck in my basket and the build- to brush your teeth or to close the be. On Wednesday she was stand- ings all one shade blacker than the he craving for Chinese food a trooper, I resolved to plough curtains. The friend who will be ing outside college like some disco sky. This is why you shouldn’t call is thankfully not one that on anyway, hardly pausing to waiting outside your door as the refugee, all white hair and Padding- your Angst Perv friend when your Tescapes the inhabitants of ruminate since the meal itself was morning sun burns aching bloodshot ton bear duffel. “On the phone you heart’s butchered all over your Cambridge. Both Charlie Chan’s a somewhat rushed affair (Baby G eyes through which you were doing just sounded so miserable...” bedroom fl oor. and Yippee Noodle are prime had orchestra rehearsal). sambucca shots the night before. We made our plans. Two steaks, I sat with my cousin at brunch destinations to sate this universal The culinary indulgence The Angst Perv friend. My cousin good red wine and Sainsbury’s and felt like a twat for ever calling urge. The owners of Yippee really afforded by Charlie Chan’s, Kris is not that friend, and it’s not Basic vodka. “Buy Absolut,” Kris her. Charlie was around, of course, hit the nail on the head when they however, is better enjoyed at like I’d ever forget to brush my said, “and you risk remembering all Sunday tracksuit shuffl e and named their restaurant; there is a a sustained leisurely pace. One teeth. But it’s Kris whom I called. tonight tomorrow.” Halloween fl ip-fl ops in October. Kris watched ring of the exclamatory euphoria would be in their right to state it She was in Fabric and I got week opens your options: hence, my eyes track him across the that often accompanies the experi- a bozality-free zone. There are no 10 minutes of bass before a zombie pub stagger. Post-meal and dining hall, and laughed. “Time to ence of enjoying oriental cuisine: neon yellow residue experiences voice. “Traffi c light party!” she memory, we left college looking like adjust the bi ratio,” she said. “Girl noodle-eating becomes a cause for to be had here. One can purchase screamed. “Guess which colour I’m serious dead people. Anna, heading from last night. Way hotter.” celebration and grown men are an ample portion of sweet and wearing!” back in, dropped cigarette in horror. “She’s a fresher,” I said. Kris reduced to a juvenile state in their sour chicken with a generous “It wouldn’t be green, now, “You should join.” just kept laughing. happiness. accompaniment of freshly boiled The food served at Yippee is rice, all for a mere £6. Hardcore out of a tree, how to beat forest best described as pan-Asian, bargain. Price-wise, it is a rival disorientation and about the encompassing food from China, for Yippee where meals tend to go wonders of sphagnum moss. Japan and other Asian countries. over the £10 benchmark. Groups BOXED There’s a brilliant moment when, The décor is reminiscent of of at least six should be a prereq- after constructing a shelter from Wagamama: substitute the sleek uisite for an outing to Chazza dead wood, Mears earnestly turns sterility of the latter for the slight since the food here is best enjoyed IN to the camera and simply states grubbiness of the former and at one of the large round tables, ‘now psychology’s on your side’. the result is a pseudo-authentic where hoards of dishes piled The weekly guide Despite fronting numerous TV fast-food restaurant in China. onto the Lazy Susan to be shared to staying in and series, Mears is not the greatest The menu excels in its variations among many effectively creates presenter, and occasionally looks of rice and noodle dishes. I opted a banquet. The atmosphere is switching on a little nervous talking straight for the noodles with coriander, noticeably better on weekends to camera. His enthusiasm (he veg, shrimps and chicken. The when locals fi ll the tables. Chaz ay Mears is a serious man. calls his jacket the ‘mothership’), friend who I dined with (who will does a seriously bitchin’ sesame He’s the kind of man who though, is infectious; I’m really hereon be referred to as Baby prawn toast and the banana Rcould kill a squirrel, skin not sure what I’m going to do with G, her self-infl icted pseudonym) fritters, served in a caramelised it and eat the insides, while using those notes I took on how to roast ordered the same. Baby G took sesame seed coating are nothing the fur to fashion little gloves to pine cones. advantage of the numerous Asian less than delectable. give him extra grip as he climbs At points it’s a little hard beers to choose from and ordered If you can get over the use of the icy rock face of a mountain, to know exactly who the the Japanese beer Asahi, owing bizarrely coloured additives and only to get the top and use the programme’s aimed at. While it’s to a fi xation with Japan. Though want a quick fi x of oriental food Search: tail to present as a gift for the always embarrassing to admit I was enjoying the hearty medley then Yippee Noodles will happily cassetteboy+nick+griffi n leader of the tribe he fi nds living how many times you’ve been lost of meat and vegetables with my suffi ce. Baby G recommends the there. He and Bear Grylls could in an Arctic circle forest without noodles, I must admit that I was extra long prawn crackers. Prices probably start a small colony out any high-visibility tracking tape, slightly unsettled by the experi- are expensive but not brutal and of killing squirrels alone. there can’t be that many viewers ence of wiping my mouth to leave you can eat well for under £15. If, But, to the programme. Ray watching and thanking their lucky a residue of fl uorescent yellow however, you want your dose of Mears’ Northern Wilderness sets stars Mears has provided them on my serviette. Baby G was monosodium glutamate dressed out to impress with the glacial with a three-step guide on how also having a similar experience. in formal attire, then main man beauty and sweeping vistas of to fi nd the best location to pitch a This was adequately boz but, like Charlie Chan delivers the goods. Canada’s great outdoors. The fi rst tent in snowy weather. episode looks at the Boreal forest However, that’s missing the which covers most of the country’s point, and Northern Wilderness Mister L - you always have your iPod land mass. It begins seriously combines the entertainment of the really loud in Clare library. enough, with Mears telling us how hardcore survivalist programme Connections Wouldn’t you rather whisper with cold it is and a slow motion shot of with the wondrous spectacle of me? him snapping a twig on his knee, the natural world. Plus, next week I overheard you talking about the and, let’s face it, once you’ve seen he said he was going to build a whale on the New Museum Site. Want to send in your a slo-mo twig snap, you know hut using only beaver skin and You had long black hair and blue missed connection? Email you’re in safe hands. masking tape. Come on, that’s got eyes. Want to have a whale of a [email protected]. time with me? Honesty and fairness aren’t two From there, Northern Wilder- to be worth watching. LAURIE TUFFREY The best ones will be read out on qualities you’d associate with ness becomes a mix of David VarsiTV. Nick Griffi n. Here, though, (with Attenborough-style nature Ray Mears’ Northern Wilder- We went to see the I.T. man at a little help from Cassetteboy) documentary and a how-to ness is on every Sunday on BBC the same time to get our internet VarsiTV goes live this weekend. he demonstrates both with a survival programme. We learn One and is available on BBC cables. I think your name is Check out exclusive videos of the succinct, accurate self-description. how to get wound-healing resin iPlayer. Phillipa. Want to link up? Varsity Plinth on varsity.co.uk/tv. Friday October 30th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng 20 Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

college photos by tim johns , kat waters Graveyards and grey ladies: Girton illustration by zing tsjeng It was on the Taylor Knob staircase in Old Wing that the Grey Lady haunting was reported in the late 19th century. The Grey Lady, rumoured to be a certain Miss Taylor, was a young woman who died under mysterious circumstances before starting at Girton. What’s more, in 1881 it emerged that Girton had been built on a purported sacred burial ground, when a large Anglo-Saxon cemetery was discovered on the College site. The ensuing excavation unearthed more than seventy skeletons and two second-century Roman graves. Such discoveries might help to explain the slightly bizarre rumour that the College was home to a Roman centurion when first built. Strangely, Girton does remain home to an Egyptian mummy: dating from the first century AD, the mummified woman was discovered in 1911 near Cairo by archaeologist William Flinders Petrie. Bearing the inscription ‘Hermionê Grammatikê’ – which can be translated as either ‘Hermione the language teacher’ or ‘Hermione the literary lady’ she was clearly distin- guished for her learning and it was felt appropriate that she take up residence in a women’s college. In fact, Hermione is an established member of College, remembered fondly by Classics students in the post-war years for paying silent audience to their language supervisions. AnIsHA sHArMA Cambridge: A Paranormal From poltergeists to panthers, from suicides to the sorcerers, find out if there’s somethin’ strange in your col- lege neighbourhood. History

Home of the spooks: Corpus Reputedly the most haunted Oxbridge college, Corpus has been troubled by ghosts for centuries. The most terrifying of its residents is former University Vice-Chancellor Henry Butts, who committed suicide in a room above the kitchens in 1632. In the 1880s, Butts grew so angry michelle phillips (hopefully not from the food) that no cook dared enter the kitchens alone at night. Around this time, the Fellow Charles Walter Moule became so traumatised by sounds coming from Butts’ room that he was reduced to crawling onto the roof on his hands and knees. The other Corpus wraith is former Master’s daughter Elizabeth Spencer. In 1667, she invited an admirer for tea when her father unexpectedly returned home early. Elizabeth used her initiative and quickly flung her tea-things, along with suitor James Betts, into a nearby cupboard. Being a perfect gentleman, Betts made no sign of protest and waited patiently in the cupboard for her to unlock it. Regrettably, Elizabeth’s initiative was superior to her memory, and she forgot about Betts for a fortnight. When she opened the cupboard door fourteen days later, she was so distraught by the King’s and Queens’ spectacle she collapsed and died. It is said that on Christmas Queens’ College was opened for Margaret of Anjou, Eve the ghosts of the two young lovers run helplessly around Queen to King’s College’s Henry VI. It turns out that Old Court, searching for each other, until they are reunited in a simply having his ‘n’ her Colleges was not enough for spectral embrace. Isobel Greenlees these two lovers. So both Colleges are endowed with a “she and he” musical ghost. Several sources report that, every seven weeks or so, a lady ghost may be heard faintly tinkling away at the Varsity asks about the spectre replies, “Oh, you mean piano in the music room of Queens’ President’s lodge. Dead frequencies: the ghost that’s an air-conditioning unit?”), though Sue We are assured that she is perfectly friendly. Marchant, a presenter at the station, is convinced: “One As for King’s, if you’re lucky enough to find the fabled morning I walked into the studio and there was this BBC Radio secret tunnel built between the college and town of bloke sat there. Literally I thought I was seeing things, It’s not just the dreaming spires of the old Colleges that Grantchester (apparently constructed to secret away I was like ‘aargh!’. Then he faded away, but I’ve still got house spectral enigmas. BBC Radio Cambridgeshire’s King’s students should Cambridge become infected by him in my mind’s eye – he was grey-haired with a slight Studio 1A is rumoured to be haunted by an elderly the plague), you may also discover that you hear the beard, dressed in sort of pastel colours.” ghost sitting in the presenter’s chair. Shadowy figures eerie notes of a fiddle. Hundreds of years ago, after in doorways and orbs of light flying across the room Intriguingly, paranormaldatabase.com describes finding this hidden tunnel one man decided to follow it have also been sighted, and a visit from the Cambridge the ghost as a womaniser (his presence more felt to see if it did lead to Grantchester. Playing his fiddle Paranormal Society in 2003 revealed some spooky home than seen, apparently), but this is unconfirmed. BBC all the way, his pals reported hearing his music grow truths – sensing that someone had killed themselves Cambridgeshire is due to be moving soon anyway, fainter and fainter until it disappeared altogether. in the building, the station was contacted a couple of leaving the present site, and any phantoms within, free. He was never seen again. However, throughout the nights afterwards by an anonymous caller to confirm So, if you’re interested, potential office space with one centuries there have been reports of people hearing that someone had hanged themselves on the site. permanent resident on Hills Road should be on the unearthly music echoing out from where the tunnel is Not everyone at the station is so sure (the first person market soon. lAUrIe TUFFreY thought to lie… Helen brAnnIGAn Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Friday October 30th 2009 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Features 21

Murderers and mothers: Christ’s Despite having passed away more than four hundred years ago, the College’s foundress Lady Margaret Beaufort is still said to walk the halls of First Court, pale faced and darkly gowned. Staff report of a spectral figure lurking in the Master’s Lodge, appearing from behind doors or kneeling at fireplaces, hands raised as if in prayer. The mother of Henry VII has also been spotted standing at the Oriel Window, looking down onto the Chapel, a place which in itself has led porters, usually the most unshakeable of men, to experience ‘shivery moments’. Many students tell of a mysterious figure seen crossing the Fellow’s Garden by night, leaving behind a trail of footprints that inexplicably disappear with daybreak. The ghoul is said to be Christopher Round, an academic who was in love with the same girl as another student. When the two studied chloroform, a recent medical discovery, the other man became inebriated from the fumes and fell into the Fellow’s pool. Round, seeing his chance, let the man drown. He is now said to haunt the old mulberry tree in regret. EMMIE HODGES

Where the wild things are: John’s 1996 was famous for a number of things: The Spice Girls, Dolly the cloned sheep... but what the world, or at least Cambridge, should have been looking out for was the mysterious appearance of a panther on the St John’s playing fields. On 18th November, Mr Williams, the Head Groundsman saw this panther roaming the grounds. Although his first admission that he was ‘not drunk’ may not give the story a huge amount of weight, the authorities seemed to think otherwise. The army soon arrived to trap this cat by hanging chunks of meat from the trees. Children were forbidden from setting foot on the grounds, yet this was not the case for the John’s rugby team (it was assumed that the Red Boys were capable of taking on such an animal). The RSPCA were quoted in saying that such a sighting was ‘unlikely to be true but not impossible’ and this small possibility has allowed for a number of rumours as to the panther’s origins; such as a circus, a zoo or even having escaped from a particularly eccentric fellow’s garden. The John’s sighting is Cambridge’s contribution to the common urban legend of big cats roaming the British isles. However, as panthers are known to live up to twenty years, it may still be at large ready to return on its ‘unlucky’ thirteenth anniversary this November. CHlOE jaynE

Skulduggery and suicide: Peterhouse Rumour has it that Cambridge’s oldest College is home to an 18th century bursar, Frances Dawes, who oversaw the controversial election of Francis Barnes as Master of Peterhouse. Blaming himself for the dodgy election and unpopular result, Dawes hung himself from a bellrope in 1789. On April 17th 1997, two of the College staff saw a white figure materialise by a fireplace in the Combination Room, accompanied by knocking and rattling, attracting widespread media attention. An exorcist was hired and since then, Peterhouse has been notoriously cagey about letting people into the room. Some members of staff still refuse to enter the room, with one kitchen worker commenting, “Well, what do you expect being right next to a graveyard?” Peterhouse is no stranger to exorcisms. For decades, a dark figure was seen crouching on top of the stone gate by the cemetery wall. Ten students who witnessed it killed themselves soon after. In the 60s, the then Dean conducted an exorcism, and no more sightings have been reported since. COnnIE SCOzzarO anD zInG tSjEnG The Eagle on fire These days, The Eagle pub’s story of how Crick and Watson announced their discovery of DNA within Degrees in practical magic: John’s and Trinity its walls often eclipses other tales from a far darker past. Sources say that some three hundred years ago, Not many know that two of England’s most famous occultists graduated from Cambridge. The towering figure of a fire ravaged the upstairs chambers of the public John Dee (above) is best-known for being an advisor to Queen Elizabeth I, but also arguably inspired the literary house. All were saved except for one young barmaid. characters of Prospero in The Tempest. At 15, Dee was admitted to John’s and quickly built a reputation as mathema- Trapped in an upstairs bedroom and unable to open tician, philosopher and astrologer. Dee also explored the worlds of magic, alchemy and divination. This included trying the window to escape, she burnt to death. From that to commune with angels through a scryer (better known as a crystal ball), and culminated in the publication of the day on, that very same window has Liber Logaeth, a book that apparently contains the language of angels. Dee’s son claimed that Dee unlocked the secret remained open. Current employees of the Philosopher’s Stone (no, it’s not just for Harry Potter) and transmuted base metal into gold, although he took say that if anybody ever tries to this secret to the grave. To this day, Dee’s scrying mirror can still be seen at the British Museum. close it, they experience a strong Aleister Crowley (left), described by the press as ‘the wickedest man in the world’, claimed to be a black magician feeling of suffocation in their and ‘the Beast 666’. In 1895, he started his degree in English at Trinity, where he began an interest in sexual chests. magic. He details picking up prostitutes at local pubs and cigar shops for this purpose, but developed a lasting So next time you find yourself relationship with student Herbert Pollitt. Biographer Lawrence Sutin describes Crowley’s first homoerotic experi- wandering down Bene’t Street ence at Cambridge as one that brought ‘an encounter with an immanent deity’. (on a cold and moonlit night, Upon leaving Cambridge, he was initiated into the Golden Dawn, an occult society, but grew disillusioned perhaps), walk in to the with their lack of ambition and delved into black magic. One ceremony (conducted in between intense courtyard to the right of the sex sessions, of course) saw his then-wife possessed by a deity called Aiwass. Crowley’s transcription of pub. Then take a look at Aiwass’ words form The Book of Laws, in which Crowley declares the death of Christianity and founds a the little window on the new religion based on the doctrine ‘do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law’. Press hysteria about the first floor and check if it’s cult’s depravity (where many members addicted to opium and cocaine) reached a head when one of his disci- been left open… HElEn ples died after drinking the blood of a cat. Crowley himself died a penniless heroin addict in 1947. zInG tSjEnG BrannIGan 22 Friday October 30th 2009 Arts Editor: Laura Freeman Arts www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

luCy nurnberg

Corvi-Mora

Bit-Chick Lit Bored by Austen? Like Dawn of the Dead? Pride and Prejudice and Zombies might just be the book for you. Megan Paul-Lynch asks what Lizzie Bennet is doing with petticoats six inches deep in blood?

error is a dish best served cold. Hard carefully navigating hordes of the undead of wits, has done this for him already? The and derided because it dramatises a fear of to swallow, but very sweet. Terror in between tea parties, balls and marriage critique of polite, insular society was her teenage sexual freedom, which we associate Tis the enchantment that has kept the proposals. The new Regency Gothic genre forte. The gothic of Seth Grahame-Smith with preachy, Bible-Belt America. Written Gothic alive for centuries. From the Castle is the invention of Los Angeles author, Seth and Ben Winters, only offers a cruder lens by a Mormon housewife, it trumpets the of Otranto, to Dracula and Poe, to Stephen Grahame-Smith who wanted to write a book through which to view Austen’s satire. goodness of abstinence and the perils of King, fear has been selling books for 250 exposing how “the people in Austen’s books It is easy to scoff at modern gothic for its temptation. In repressive Victorian society, years. The twenty-first century gothic novel are kind of like zombies.” Quirk swiftly wide appeal and cheap thrills. Easy to class the vampire bite was a crafty metaphor for is still in love with the idea of overpowering followed with Ben Winters’ Sense and Sensi- the new gothic as a set of tired, lazy mash- forbidden sex. The omnipresence of sex in fears, unstoppable zombies and seductive bility and Sea Monsters, in which the home ups which constitute nothing less than the today’s Twilight world means that idea of sex vampires. It is a form of escapism that is too of the young Miss Dashwood’s is surrounded blue-blooded murder of classic literature and being out of reach is in itself titillating. appealing ever to decay. by deadly sea creatures and the persistent qualify as mere chick-lit trash. The Gothic always had the potential Fear is no longer pure, unadulterated, Colonel Brandon is turned into a tentacled Pardon my impudence, madam, but I beg to be trash. Its high octane drama, shrill bitter-sweet; now it has manners. Recent fiend. Sourcebooks also staked their claim you, give me a moment to explain. In our characters and sexual themes made it years have seen a new incarnation of the in the market with Amanda Grange’s Mr post-modern, capitalist world we fear the a sensationalist genre, which sold best gothic, which is set to spawn a slew of imita- Darcy, Vampyre. attack of faceless evil: disease, terrorism, in the form of “Penny Dreadfuls”, cheap tors. Ever heard of Pride and Prejudice Grahame-Smith likens the characters of global warming, nuclear war. New hopefuls widespread magazines: the Victorian equiva- and Zombies? Snapped up by American Austen’s novels to the undead because, “No such as Grahame-Smith revert to a simpler lent of Heat. Fear now strikes on a global publishers Quirk, it’s the darker, grittier matter what is going on around them in the time and impose on Regency mores “the scale, bigger and more powerful than ever. side of Elizabeth Bennet’s life. The bit that world, they live in this bubble.” large groups of faceless people in the world The gothic mash-up creates a world which is Austen didn’t want us to see. This Elizabeth But surely he realises, you shriek, throw- who mean to do us harm.” simpler and less threatening than our own, is re-imagined as a zombie-ass-kicking diva, ing your hands up, that Austen, the greatest Look again at Twilight. It is condemned where fear can be fought face on.

©2009 Quirk ProduCtions, inC. With PerMission of Quirk books. From ‘Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters’ From ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ ‘At Bath, he had met young Eliza, had saved her from the attack of a giant octopus... “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in And then he had left the girl whose youth and innocence he had seduced in a state of want of more brains.” upmost distress, with no credible home, no help, no friends, ignorant of his address. “From the corner of the room, Mr Darcy watched Elizabeth and her sisters work He had buried her in the sand in a playful fashion as lovers do when sporting; and their way outward, beheading zombie after zombie as they went. He knew of only one then, without digging her up, he had gone off, he said, to buy them lemonades; he never other woman in Great Britain who wielded a dagger with such skill, such grace, and returned.’ deadly accuracy. “Thwack! A harpoon pierced the giant octopus’s bulbous head, and it burst, raining blood and ooze into the brook and all over Marianne, who managed to lift her face from By the time the girls reached the walls of the assembly hall, the last of the the water as the tentacle released its grip. As she lay gasping on the bank, soaked by unmentionables lay still. Apart from the attack, the evening altogether passed off the fetid water and the foul juices of the monster, spitting small bits of brain and gore pleasantly for the whole family. Mrs Bennet had seen her eldest daughter much from the corners of her mouth, a gentleman clad in a diving costume and helmet, and admired by the Netherfield party.” carrying a harpoon gun, ran to her assistance.....’ Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Friday October 30th 2009 23 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Listings

Bonfire Night The Mummy at Girton wednesday november 5th, until june 20th, 2-4pm, the lawrence midsummer common, 19:30 (free) room, girton college (free)

Remember, remember Margaret Mountfound off The to watch the unmissbale Apprentice isn’t Girton’s only Pick fireworks The treasure. They’ve Pick of the celebrating just acquired a of the week the foiling of Mummy called week Events Fantastic Mr Hermione. An Arts Fawkes. It’s hot. (Don’t eyebrow raising start to get singed.) Varsity your Halloween. Week Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events Michael Jackson: This is Saturday October 31st A Streetcar Named Desire Ongoing Exhibitions Friday October 30th adc theatre, fri-sat 19.45, sat mat 14.30 Translating Novel into Film: It Bill Wyman’s Rhythm (£6/9) Fitzwilliam Museum the vue, daily (9.30 ,10.30 fri-sun only) The Case of Henry James’s 12.00 13.00, 14.30, 15.30, 17.00, 18.00, 19.30, Kings Last chance to see Marlon Brando (Free) 20.30, 21.50, fri/sat/wed late 22.50, 00.10 corn exchange 19.30 (£24.50 adv) on the ADC stage, before he Lumière - Lithographs by Odilon ‘Washington Square’ Jacko beautification finally Pay £24.50 to see the former returns for his brief appearance in Redon (until January 10th). faculty of english, west road, 17:00 - 18:00, (free) released after an eight year legal bassist of the Rolling Stones live in Special Display: Matthew Boulton the Lent term musical... As part of the Cambridge Festival wrangle with The Strokes over the conert. and the Industrial Revolution of Ideas, the talk explores what preferred choice of title, Is This It? (until March 21st). Sunday November 1st happens when novels are trans- R.U.R Sculpture promenade adc theatre, fri-sat 23.00 (£4-6) lated into films by examining the Jools Holland and his (until Januray 31st). Rhythm and Blues Opportunity to see a play that has case of Henry James’s celebrated Orchestra quite literally been smashed up and People’s Portraits Washington Square, and the two reassembled by a group of robots films it has inspired. the corn exchange, 19.30 (£31.50 adv) girton college, until december 1st. See the worst television presenter flown in from Japan. (free) Friday October 30th in BBC history boogie woogie all The House of Bernada Millennial Royal Society of over a grand piano. Portrait Painters’ collection on Jason Cook’s Fear Alba long-term loan to Girton, depicting the junction, j2, 20.00. (£10-12 adv) Sunday November 1st adc theatre, tues-sat 19.45 (£5/7) ordinary people from all walks of What’s funny man Jason Cook so Oasis @ Fez Lorca’s tale of Bernada Alba and life. scared about? Find out tonight at Fantastic Mr Fox fez, 22.00-03.00 (£4) her daughters, locked inside the the Junction. house, mourning the death of their Knighton Hosking: arts picturehouse, daily 12.30 (not sun, We’re half way through term. Why Saturday October 31st wed), 14.30, 16.30, 19.00 (not fri, sat), 21.00 change your weekend routine now? father. Expect a happy ending. Paintings (not sat), fri 18.30, sat 18.30, 21.30 churchill college, until saturday Halloween Wes Anderson becomes the latest Chekhov Double Bill november 14th. ( free) everywhere. (free) big hitter to tackle Roald Dahl, Monday November 2nd Hosking’s work evolves through Dress up, carve a pumpkin, go following Tim Burton’s Charlie Alesha Dixon ADC THEATRE, WED-SAT 23.00 (£4-6) a questioning of nature and the trick or treating round college and and the Chocolate Factory, the junction, 19.30 (sold out) Not your normal Chekhov fare, relevance of painting using the make a scary face. Guillermo Del Toro’s el Enorme Strictly young women only. No old because this contains no cherry rural landscape surrounding his Cocodrilo (The Enormous Croco- people. Dixon’s on the rampage. orchards, no samovar, and no Midlands home as an inspiration. dile) and Ingmar Bergman’s Let’s hope she does the manly Kenneth Brannagh. Rumour has it Revolting Rhymes. rapping that she used to do with that it does contain a Bear and an Mis-Teeq. Anniversary, and it is funny. An Education arts picturehouse, daily 14.10, 16.30, 18.50, 21.10 Story of a Rabbit arts theatre, wed-thurs 19.45 (£10-£20) Star-studded coming of age Brit- flick penned by Nick Hornby. Huge Hoi Polloi’s latest offering casting problems were solved when combines comedy, music, one heck Orlando Bloom pulled out at late of imagination, and at least one Saturday October 31st notice. dead rabbit (depending on how Darwin and the Germans many times you see the play). lecture room 2, west road concert hall, The Imaginarium of Dr 17.00-18.00, (free) Parnassus One Flew Over the Dr David Midgley will illustrate Friday October 30th the different ways in which ideas arts picturehouse, daily 11.45 (not sat, Cuckoo’s Nest sun, wed), 16.00 (not sun, mon, thurs), about evolution were developed fitzapatricK hall, tues-sat 19.30 (£4-7) Stories and Landscapes: 21.00 (not fri, sat) fri, sat: 20.30, sun, mon: by German scientists. Clearly the 16.30, thurs: 14.30. McMurphy vs Nurse Ratched: it’s Nineteenth-Century Paint- Tuesday November 4th ideal way to spend your weekend. Terry Gilliam walks into a sweet Alabama 3 the final countdown de de de de, de ings in the Fitzwilliam shop. It sounds like the start of de de de de. the junction, 19.00 (£16 adv) Museum Sunday November 1st a joke. It is. And its punchbag is If you got yourself a gun when you fitzwilliam museum, seminar room, 13.15- cinema audiences. Twelfth Night 13:45. ( free) Press Power woke up this morning, these are cambridge museum of technology, pembroKe new cellars, tues-sat 19.30 As part of the Festival of Ideas, cheddars lane 11.00-17.00, (£3-5) Love and Sex in Africa your people. Brilliantly fun live (£4/5) Nina Lubbren from the Depart- band. Explore the Cambridge Museum winstanley lecture theatre, trinity ‘Two households, both alike in ment of English, Communication college, monday november 2nd. (free) of Technology’s working print and Film, Anglia Ruskin, delivers a Love sex? Love Africa? You’re in Tuesday November 4th dignity…’ etc. shop. Discover letterpress. Meet talk on the 19th Century paintings luck with the Cambridge African Seth Lakeman the printers. And find the printer’s Film Festival. It’s free, too. the junction, 19.00 (£16 adv) Good Clean Men in the Fitz. devil, whatever that may be. corpus playroom, tues-sat 21.30 (£4-7) Get folked up with Seth and his Thursday November 5th In the Loop fiddle. Not bad, not dirty, not women, not Tuesday November 3rd fisher building, st john’s college, interested? Jokes! Performance, self and sunday november 1st, 19.00, 22.00. (free) Wednesday November 5th memory in relation to Reflections on “Reflec- Biting political satire about Simon Indie Soc That Face Helena Almeida’s work tions on Cambridge”’ Foster, a minor cabinet minister, corpus playroom, fri- sat 19.30 (£4-7) gatsby room, wolfson college 18.00. Kettle’s yard, 13.15-13:40. (free) who gets himself involved in UK/ portland arms, 22.00-5.00 (£5) Polly Stenham, aged 19, writes (free) The Portland Arms will be awash Eleni Cologni, artist, delivers Prof Alan Macfarlane reflects on US negotiations about going to a play about her dysfunctional with self-conscious boys and girls a lunchtime talk on the Helen Reflections on “Reflections on war. Expect big laughs and big family, which receives rave reviews with too much hair and vintage Almeida exhibition on at Kettle’s Cambridge” as part of the Wolfson ideas. at the Royal Court. Catch it in cardigans. Get stuck in. Yard. Humanities Society. Cambridge today and tomorrow. 24 Friday October 30th 2009 Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Reviews www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

music New Releases

paul smith Devendra Banhart sub Focus what will we be sub Focus  

Devendra Banhart: fire dancer, Expectations for Nick Douwma’s acid eater, sexual deviator, (aka Sub Focus) debut album have cross-dressing flower child of had six years to mature since California. Devendra Banhart: his first appearance back in 2003 latest addition to Warner Bros. but he does not disappoint. ‘Let Records, the most evil business in the Story Begin’ is an apt opener operation since Sweeney Todd’s as what follows can only be Hair and Beauty got shut down. described as an anthemic dance How can this be? narrative. Anyone fearing the prospect of The album moves through him being morphed into a bland drum and bass, techno, dance and pop-wimp needn’t worry. Psyche- dubstep with a high degree of delic show tunes are interspersed technicality. with creepily seductive wig Obvious highlights come in the outs and wonderfully whimsical form of his most famous releases, ditties. Close your eyes and you ‘Rock It/Follow the Light’ and unlike eating grass, seeing bloc party live is quite a pleasurable experience. can almost feel the acrid breeze ‘Timewarp’. Most striking is his of ‘Topanga Canyon’ on your skin. ability to seamlessly combine Bloc Party trying something else for a while” Okereke. “This tour,” he informs With the rapidly approaching genres within a track, displayed the corn exchange, tuesday october during the band’s imminent hiatus, “has been brilliant for clothes. Cambridge Ice Age, this is not a in such crafted offerings as 27th casting doubt over the long term Someone threw a leather jacket quality to be sneered at. ‘Could This Be Real’ where pure  future of 2004’s “Next Big Thing”. last night.” Often shy and retir- Although the aroma of fair- dance beats are undercut with There were no such warning ing in interviews, on stage he is an trade hashish on What Will definitively dubstep basslines. loc Party: just a band” signs at Bloc Party’s sell out assured frontman and an emotive We Be threatens to overpower, Sub Focus is incredibly versa- declares Scroobius Pip Cambridge gig on Tuesday, though. performer, casting a striking shadow contemporaneous threads do tile without feeling schizophrenic “Bon ‘Thou Shalt Always Transforming the cavernous against the pulsating lights. Yet occasionally break through. and serves as the official testa- Kill’. You could be forgiven in Corn Exchange into an intensely Tong is perhaps the true star of the Whether he’s man of the moment ment to the producing skills of thinking this is today’s general sweaty indie club, the lads pulled band. Manically drumming in the or man out of time Banhart never Nick Douwma we’ve been waiting consensus. Despite headlining off a blinder. An early journey by nude save for a pair of skimpy white fails to enchant. charlie Gilmour for. katie anderson Glastonbury’s Other Stage and Kele Okereke into the front row shorts, his tight loops dominated the soundtracking each indie disco during the wonderfully brash and angular aggression of ‘Banquet’. memory Tapes sufjan stevens across the country, the Party could dissonant ‘Mercury’ could have The offending new single did seek maGic the b.q.e be drawing to a close with their been fatal: one crazed fan exercised improve in a live setting, before the   current ‘Bloctober’ tour. so tight a grasp on his t-shirt that drum machine packed in midway Last year’s Intimacy, the security had to intervene. and the lads were forced to resort band’s most disappointing release The London quartet provoked to an engagingly dancey encore of to date, foundered and the 90s a berserk response usually alien to ‘Flux’ and ‘Helicopter’. But just piano-driven house of recent single conservative Cambridge gig-goers. as the houselights came up, they ‘One More Chance’ marked another As if having finally emerged from ventured on again, embarrassingly alarming stage in their creative preservation in a cryogenic freez- begging “One More Chance” to demise. Rumours of a split in the ing chamber at the height of 2005’s complete unfinished business. Any band have been rife. Drummer Silent Alarm fervour, the kids doubters should grant them such Matt Tong was recently quoted demonically moshed, crowd surfed mercy, as a live Bloc Party is an Seek Magic opens with a sparse, Written as the musical accom- as saying that he “wouldn’t mind and even flung their clothes at absolute riot. paul smith airy number that leaves you in paniment to Stevens’ original suspense as to where the album’s film inspired by New York’s going to go. Then the track Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, ian shaw the London conservatories. Shaw’s full of spontaneous wit and charm. ‘Bicycle’ hits and makes it clear The B.Q.E borrows widely from a the red room, caius college, sunday impeccable, soulful voice was easy on Even between songs Shaw was a that Seek Magic is going to be range of classical sources. From october 25th the ears, and his performance was natural entertainer, and obviously blissfully dancy. the soaring Romantic themes of  alastair appleton thrived in dealing with some rather The album’s eight tracks are Rachmaninov to the jerky street- strikingly ill-advised banter from engaging, artful dance music. wise licks of Gershwin, this is not lthough only in its third the audience. For those not so There’s no strictly functional Sufjan Stevens as you know him. gig, Caius jazz has already rash (or full of port) to cross his sounding of drums here. Memory While this may be Stevens’ Arecruited an impressive self-effacing wit, however, the Tapes mastermind Dayve Hawk first foray into the classical world array of performers. Musicians performance established Shaw is a real musician and not just his references on the whole are normally only seen in top London firmly in the audience’s musical and a dance technician: he’s got more derivative than evolution- jazz clubs turn up to play at this personal affections. serious skill at evoking aching, ary. Furthermore, the descent unlikely venue. The band played a wide variety mournful moods and melodies into electronica during ‘Traffic This is no Ronnie Scott’s. of music, from jazz standards – and evolving a song through any Shock’ is a weak addition that With only a few seats, most of often with amusing lyrical rewrites number of forms till he’s got you arrives without warning. It is left the audience sit tightly packed – to Joni Mitchell ballads, proving feeling exactly the way he wants. undeveloped and succeeds only in on the floor around the perform- Shaw to be an able pianist. Preston On Seek Magic, he wants you punching a jarring hole into the ers’ ankles. But what it lacks in provided some memorable solos, feeling raw and dying to dance. middle of the record. comfort, it more than makes up for but 19 year old Guildhall under- Huge beats drop superbly hard However, while classical aficio- in intimacy. gradute Miguel Gorodi provided a and sudden. They drag you into nados will find plenty to criticize, Hailed by JazzTimes as “the surprise highlight in crossing the movement. When Hawk lets the this is an energetic record that single greatest male jazz vocalist audience/performer boundary. His songs go, the electricity crackles, possesses the lurid garishness Britain has to offer”, Shaw was light-hearted trumpet solo seemed the pulse is incessant. of a comic strip, both accessible supported by scene veteran Trevor to sum up Shaw’s performance Seek Magic is easily one of the and wonderfully evocative of Tomkins on drums, talented up-and- and Caius Jazz itself; unexpected, most tasteful, intelligent dance the urban chaos upon which it is coming guitarist Dave Preston, musically smooth, and uniquely records of 2009. peter morelli based. tom keane and students from Cambridge and in awe of the shaw: ian sings at caius. personal. beth staton Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Friday October 30th 2009 25 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Reviews Arts Comment Film ANd Arts Numb bums on seats. Why length New Cambridge Writers floor, the studio hosts and enables Osmond prefaced each poem with judith e. wilson drama studio, more informal and zany occasions witty and inclusive anecdotes, saturday october 24th and price drive for us to let off our literary steam. rationalising his inspirations  It’s nice to imagine the disapproval (Japanese food and a particu- students from the of certain dons, their research larly extortionate type of coffee e were sat there inside interrupted by snatches of poetry machine) before dramatising them theatre a big black cube which and song echoing sporadically from with clarity and concentration. Wdominates the English the floor below. The final poet to read, Kilbride Emma Hogan Faculty basement. It was a Although attending New voiced her work with an endear- Saturday night. This term’s New Cambridge Writers was, admit- ingly nervous energy. Her Cambridge Writers event drew tedly, a fairly civilised experience, sequence of nine fourteen-line ’m not a very patient person. be, nearly always more willing excitably towards its close. Putting its complimentary wine and poems was performed using Standing in queues, working to spend long hours in a rather a small, gifted and largely female biscuits were counterpointed by various hand gestures, along with Ilong hours without tea cramped space, all just to see a group of student writers on view, the gusto and immediacy of many decisive changes in tone which breaks, answering marketing play? the evening stood as further readings. Poems from Richard resolved themselves in something campaign phone calls, watch- It made me wonder whether evidence that the Judith E. Wilson Osmond and Laura Kilbride close to rapping. Kilbride threw ing cricket or football, waiting part of the problem could be due is a truly terrific venue. Situated bookended the proceedings, words as though weapons at her for trains, waiting for people, to the fact that our generation directly beneath the library and and stood out as visceral, self- audience, forcing us to press up waiting for people to finish their might live up to the stereotype of lecture theatres on the ground consciously perfomative pieces. against their meanings and sounds. sentences (as now) – all in all, I’d having reduced attention spans: cHarlottE runciE Yet the evening’s quieter poets rather not do any of these things. wanting our news in bitesize RSS (Alice Malin, Julia Rampen, Annie So it was odd when I found feed chunks, our food served ultra Katchinska and erstwhile Varsity myself a couple of weeks ago quickly at Wagamama’s, charting critic Colette Sensier) also held watching a play in London that out our lives by Twitter updates, the audience’s attention. Their ran for nearly four hours, and sending text messages instead writing shared an emphasis on I didn’t even impatiently check of letters, and, generally, being personal memory, and exhibited the time. I was at the National more used to a 90 minute film, a shy ambition to communicate Theatre production of Mother or 30 minute television program painful truths. Amidst the more Courage, directed by Deborah – or even to the brilliantly neat direct observations in Sensier’s brief Warner with Fiona Shaw as Mainshow/Lateshow format of but memorable poem ‘Holocaust’, Courage – an apt name, perhaps, the ADC. the line “hanging like half a story for such a long and difficult play. But going to the theatre should from your grandmother’s sleeve” Typically, Charles Spencer in not be neat. Just as an audience emerged. Deft and electric, lines like The Telegraph described the should not be composed of one these would crop up throughout the show as “three-and-a-quarter demographic. I can’t quite believe evening, with the power to surprise. hours of hectoring lectures, it is entirely down to attention But what was good about New unrepentant Marxism, tiresome spans that ‘younger people’ don’t Cambridge Writers also has its alienation devices and a bucket- go so often to the theatre, or to logical conclusion in a trickier ful of condensed misery.” And longer plays. No, what really question: why are such events so one anonymous blog commenter makes a difference, and what no hard to come by? Whilst no one suggested that it could have amount of limited free tickets will would deny that it takes guts to been condensed into a 90 minute, achieve, or £10 tickets snapped share and broadcast your writing, punchy political satire not unlike up, it seems, by those who would the evening demonstarted some of the shorter plays frequently put have paid double anyway, is the the pleasures in doing so. on at the Royal Court. Yet, these fact that not enough West End When Trevor Joyce, this year’s two garrulous critics are missing London theatres have a standard Judith E. Wilson poetry fellow, the point: Brecht’s play charts student price, and that even with made a short speech he focused on the Thirty Years War, showing some discounts, theatre tickets ‘organisation’, and the need to make the sheer boredom of it all, the are still too high. Complicite’s the most out of all things literary. way warfare degrades people current production of Endgame Cambridge is a small town where painfully slowly, and so needs to is doing a limited special offer word travels fast. So let’s have be suitably long – epic even – to on tickets: they are £37.50. Even more words, travelling faster and in show this. someone obsessed with Beckett Julia rampen: a shy ambition to communicate truths at new cambridge Writers. interesting directions. eliot d’silva But what surprised me even might hesitate before spending so more than sitting so contentedly much on a play. for such a long time, was the fact Going to the theatre should not Fantastic mr. Fox Anderson was never going to strumming Petey. that when the lights came up, I be the preserve of the rich. And, arts picturehouse resist his chance for a little family For kids delving into Dahl for the was one of the few people under in my opinion, an ideal world is  drama, and Mr Fox’s son twitches first time, it may all seem a little 60 in the audience. Or, to be one where when the lights go up with teenage angst. Athletically strange and backward. For you more precise – it surprised me, and you look around at the other oald Dahl got it long before and romantically challenged, Ash who’ve known the story for years but only momentarily. How is it people sitting in the audience, the big players at Dream- watches cousin Kristofferson stroll and appreciate the hilarity of a though, that men and women who and the only thing that surprises RWorks and Pixar were out away with adored lab partner “cluster-cuss”, this is as good as it are more inclined to have back you would be the fact that you the womb. The best kids’ creations Agnes. Her protests of the platonic gets. abigail dean problems, knee replacements, might catch a glimpse of similar have a few witty shots of adult- are met with deadpan brilliance: hearing aids and varifocals are, wonderment, or fellow feeling, in hood – and not just to keep parents “No. You’re disloyal.” unlike the prime specimens of a complete stranger – regardless awake. Mix a children’s tale with Sure, Anderson’s committing a health students are supposed to of their age or wealth. the ironic and the sinister, and little creative infidelity himself, it grows up with them. You keep but if the director’s additional coming back to dig deeper into the relationship woes grind, his other darkness. trademarks work. Each potential The stop-motion world Wes curse is replaced with the word Anderson creates is a vibrant ‘cuss’ to create a quirky dialogue Fauvist patchwork set alive by the both hilarious and absurd. The odd passing train or lonely figure. soundtracks of Rushmore and The Dahl’s protagonist is the delightfully Royal Tenenbaums were whimsi- cocky Mr Fox (George Clooney’s cal perfection. That of Fantastic smooth tones), addicted to the thrill Mr Fox is just cussing unforget- of chicken-capture despite his wife’s table. A children’s chorus whisper protests. When the family move to Dahl’s Boggis, Bunce and Bean a new tree near the three thriving rhyme, which refrains to a sinister farms of Boggis, Bunce and Bean, it shriek towards the finale. Stones isn’t just the marital disputes that and Beach Boys classics capture increase. Foxy kicks off a war of the youth for which Foxy can’t wills that will jeopardise the whole help but crave. Pulp legend Jarvis six hours of sophocles? on a stone seat? animal neighbourhood. Cocker even pops up as the banjo- For Fox sake: this film is cussing brilliant. With no cushion? Modern theatre goers have it easy. 26 Friday October 30th 2009 Theatre Editor: Lauren Cooney Theatre www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

View from the TheaTre Groundlings a Streetcar Named So why is that a problem? Well, Stella and Stan have a fight, we see been scuffed up a little, but he was quoting from the stage direction, Blanche and Mitch talking when, pretty impressive. Helen Parker’s Desire the Streetcar Facebook group behind the gauze curtain – well, Blanche was also good, brandish- adc mainshow reminds us that the play is set let’s just say Stanley and Stella ing her frayed nerves with delicate  in New Orleans, where “the blue are becoming rather passionately and thought-out affectations. Still, piano expresses the spirit of the re-acquainted with one another. I thought she rushed through her taging anything by Tennes- life which goes on there”. I think With the moonlight streaming in lines once or twice which kind of see Williams is a complete by that Williams meant that life across the pair and catching on took the spark out Williams’ drama Snightmare. Everyone has there was hot and passionate and the gauze, in a second that old idea somewhat. to swagger around all sweaty and kind of unruly: you can’t be all that of the blue piano and the spirit The production did have some say things like ‘Night missy’ and hot and passionate and unruly if of New Orleans seems perfectly good ideas, I just thought that with ‘Howdy y’all’. you have to do-si-do around the recaptured. a few too many lopsided accents, The people behind the production chintzy sideboard and tiptoe past Elizabeth Magness and Paul a wobbly set, some terrible sound at the ADC must know all about the dining-room chairs every five Syers make an excellent Stella effects, the doctor’s ridiculous hat Cambridge Theatre the difficulties of staging Streetcar: minutes. It’s supposed to be the and Stanley. Perfectly cast, it’s and need to carry a stethoscope, all that poetry, all those blazing New Orleans blues we’re talking Syers who makes this production the production snagged itself a ne of next week’s shows rows, all those confined spaces, about here, not morris dancing. for me. He’s tough, kind of clumsy, little too often on the mechanics of has pre-emptively that poxy, bloody southern drawl. Still, there were some beauti- there was a touch of theatrical staging Williams’ softly poetical Obeen hailed as ‘seminal, The play is about former south- ful set pieces. One moment, after sheen about him that could have masterpiece. nathan brooker fluid in the lovingly relentless ern belle Blanche DuBois (Helen vitriol of its easy-borrowed Parker) who, having lost the chauvinism and abject family’s cotton plantation under HORROR of the VULVA. As a mountain of debts, has come to dead, or as fresh, as it ever stay with her sister Stella (Eliza- has been, since 1608. Fully beth Magness) and her husband booked.’ According to auteur Stanley Kowalski (Paul Syers). creator, Jeremy Hardingham, Problems arise when the rather Unfolding King Lear at the dainty Blanche conflicts with the Judith E. Wilson 29th-31st no-nonsense Stanley – oh, and can be WITNESSED by Blanche might be going a touch collecting returns at: http:// mad as well. incarnatemundstuck.blogspot. Director Alexander Winter- com. botham’s set is very naturalistic, If you can’t face HORROR of and this ends up proving to be the VULVA, then opt for the the stickiest part of the produc- Good. Clean. Men. at Corpus. tion actually. Divided in half to These hygienic lads promise represent the Kowalskis’ modest ‘punctuality’ and ‘high-octane apartment, the place is furnished comfort’. Chances are there with drinks cabinets, a dining won’t be a VULVA in sight. table, a sideboard, bottles of beer, You might also wish to avoid bottles of whiskey, some ghastly The House of Bernada Alba, pictures, a bed, a table with a this week’s mainshow at the radio on it, some windows, some ADC, which has an all-female mirrors: it’s, well, a little cluttered. george woodhams cast, so you guessed it, that’s a lot of… Still, you’d be missing out on a fine production of gets a bit chaotic, but who said war at least mean that we got a lot Lorca’s classic: a sad and The Frightful First was all cute and cuddly? Virgin Smoker of stand-up: good stand-up, too. adc theatre now sonorous tale of sexually I thought that after a rousing Ahir Shah gave his full name, was World War  repressed daughters locked arts theatre edition of Ready Steady Cook, very funny about it, and started in a house (“With only Franco World War I style, complete with proceedings off with real urbanity and Olivia Newton John as a  audience participation (I chanted id you see it? If not, ignore and flair. Subsequent jokes compar- role model” says director Sam ‘TURNIPS, TURNIPS’ unabash- this review. I didn’t take ing pantomime audiences to Jesus’ Pallis). Muy Caliente! ooray, I got to be an eleven edly) things couldn’t possibly get Dthe performers’ names: disciples, celebrating the confusing The lateshow is a Chekhov year old for an evening! any better, but oh how wrong I there were loads of them. This is possibilities of the phrase ‘Nacho Double Bill: two short sharp HWWI Survival Test and was – as the lights come up for the more like a TV clip show, where cheese’, and a song containing the farces, The Bear and The Brain Blitzer in hand, I snuggled interval, a booming voice announced everyone who remembers the sublime rhyme “plankton / wanked Anniversary. Don’t go if you down into the familiar half-term that 3D goggles were needed for moment in question feels like they on”, all deserve to make their are looking for the sort of atmosphere complemented by the second half. I took down several belong, and everyone who doesn’t, creators globally famous. Chekhov play where everyone repeats of ‘it’s a long way to small people as I fought my way to doesn’t. So piss off, dickhead. Fortunately for us, tonight’s sits around waiting. You can Tipperary...’ the door. I think all those present would mixed bag was of a frequently high also get your weekly Shake- Horrible Histories: The Frightful Amidst the desensitizing fake agree on two things. One, it’s lovely standard, even if the booze wore speare fix at the Pembroke First World War may not be the blood, fart jokes and showers of 3D to see some new faces. And two, off and the quality mysteriously New Cellars to see Twelfth obvious choice for a quiet night at debris and gunfire, there are familiar it’s lovely that they’re actually wavered in the final third. My Night. Or head over to Queens’ the theatre. However, I have read but nonetheless important under- funny. One brief rendering of personal favourites were a sketch Fitzpatrick Theatre to watch those educational gems disguised as tones of the realities of war. The War and Peace – delivered by a recasting The Four Yorkshiremen One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s kid-friendly guides to the boring bits computerised backdrop of enlisting cross between Stephen Fry, Alan as gap year tragedies, a charmingly Nest; it’s no Shakespeare, of history, and knew that if Mark banners, intermittent ditties like Davies, and the BFG – was at once neurotic chap called Henry, the but it was made into a film Williams was loyal to Terry Deary’s ‘We’re here because we’re here whimsier and better than most of aforementioned BFG, and the show- starring Jack Nicholson, with genius, then his stage adaptation because...’, and reminders that the comedy churned out on such a stealer who advertised himself, the tagline, “If he’s crazy, would not disappoint. I was right. ‘machines went to war and humans laugh-destroying basis. through song, to all the chubby what does that make you?” This production brings you crash- got in the way’ all help to tell the Another novelty was the scarcity chasers out there. If you weren’t Something for you to ponder. ing into the First World War, as little story of the war that should never of sketches. This was often a there, you won’t know what any of Last but not least, if student Angelica is sucked into her laptop have happened. This gutsy cast of blessing: another hilarious pun on this means, and I don’t really care. drama is really getting you and planted in a 1914 trench on the four manages to tell a gruesome Charles Dick-ens’ name, another I haven’t included names because down to Chinatown, then pay Western Front. Immediately the and terrible story... without freak- minute of ‘Ombudsman – the Super- I’m not really a journalist. But it’s the Arts Theatre a visit on German ‘sausage-eating scoundrels’ ing the kids out too much. The plot hero story’, and I think I would OK: I guarantee you’ll be hearing Wednesday or Thursday to see splutter their way into battle against is ‘brave and batty,’ and golly is it have been trying to shit myself quite a lot about quite a lot of them Hoi Polloi’s Story of a Rabbit. the Allies, catalysed by a WWF fight entertaining; I was sad to come back in search of less awkward, more for some time to come. And then Just make sure you see featuring a valiant referee attempt- into adult world with a bump. Jemima sophisticated entertainment. you can pretend you were there something, as the fabric of ing to ‘calm the chaps down’. It all middleton Such a dearth of sketchery did when it all started. george reynolds Cambridge theatre has never been so rich and textured as GUIDE TO STAR RATINGS:  A gad-awful drawl  Rather undesireable  Just Yankee-doodle dandy  Southern Belle it is this coming week. lauren  Stellaaaaaaaah!! cooney Theatre Editor: Lauren Cooney Friday October 30th 2009 27 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Theatre

THEATRE Creative Writing Competition opening summary of the robotic victim, I admired the undertaking, R.U.R race’s history, a whole legacy but I hardly choked on my cider. ADC LATESHOW is captured in movement. The Wyld was the standout, juggling  quartet spring between roles as Emma’s dread with the slow human leads to stoic robots with domination of chief robot Radius. t’s about robots. That’s been exhaustive precision, but it’s as What begins as a hollow monotone the pre-production R.U.R. the bashful chorus that they’re acquires slithers of resentment; Iinsight. The Robot Play. But best. They squirm with a strange Kiely might abandon tragedy, but take a closer look at the distinc- childish anxiety as they narrate he holds onto dread. The stage is tive orange fl yers decorating your the robotic rebellion, half bound- haunted by a subdued techno base faculty. That robotic face has been less enthusiasm, half squirming which becomes ever more diffi cult composed with human quirk; it self-consciousness. “So... that’s it”, to ignore, and having set alight looks like a fi gure from an Audrey one mutters, at the fi nale, as they the formula for a robot’s creation, Niffenegger graphic novel. This form a terrifi cally uncertain Ta-Da! Helena leaves a vibrant red powder might be The Robot Play, but it still. An ending that might have to stain centre stage, a nice bloody isn’t robot theatre. succumbed to the bleak retains its touch on the black set. That R.U.R. is Rossum’s Univer- comic charm. So R.U.R. isn’t the most conven- Each week we set a different creative writing exercise. The people who submit the sal Robots, the robot-fuelled factory With minimal dialogue, however, tional of plays. It might, however, running-up and winning pieces have their work printed in the next week’s Varsity, that Helena Glory has married into. Kiely sacrifi ces much human be the most unique show you’ll and the winner is rewarded with two free tickets to an ADC Theatre show. With doe-eyed naivety and the emotion to directorial ingenuity. catch this season. Much longer than ignorance of many a sci-fi classic, He programmes his humans as forty fi ve minutes and the bare she decides that they need a little emptily as the robots they dictate. stage and ever-mobile cast could Week 4: freedom. The R.U.R Edward Kiely It’s a cutting commentary for the have proved a little too claustropho- gives us is an exotic skeleton of conclusion of robotic inheritance, bic. As it is, you can be dissecting Monologue Karel Capek’s 1921 script. Gone are but a little sympathy wouldn’t have it in the bar by 11.45. ‘Challenging’ the heavy dialogues and the elabo- gone amiss. When Emma (a great is a word made for government Write a maximum 300 word prose monologue on a chosen topic, spoken rate staging. In are an animated bundle of nerves elicited by Jessie targets and ghastly schoolchildren. by one person, for performance or otherwise. Your monologue could be chorus and a mischievous humour. Wyld) became the robot’s fi rst We’ll go for slick, and clever, and interior or exterior: a brooding stream of consciousness or a grand speech At times it’s closer to modern entirely original. ABIGAIL DEAN made to a mass audience dance than acting. With only four actresses stuck upon the stage for the play’s duration, Winner: Monologue Kiely avoids stagnation by by Argyro Nicolaou constant mot ion. The robotic movements What! Just think of it. Just – think about it! [Flails her hands around reach synchrony in an expressive, Mediterranean manner] eerily There we all are, we’re dancing and strobing and fl ashing and laugh- often, ing and a circle, jumping up and down. and Smiles. He – she – everywhere – they, I mean even I, smile, too. in They’re grinding. the I’m not. I’m thinking. They are physical. I am mental. And I mean really, really out-of-my-brains kind of mental. I’m thinking: these are the days, the best days, the days which I’ll talk about in twenty years time, always prologue-ing my antic monologue with the same, dusty opening line: “When I was young…” etcetera, etcetera. Always, of course, tactfully omitting the really fun That Face (the dad) captured his admittedly production took itself just a little stuff. I mean - I’m sure my mum smoked up at some point in her life. CORPUS PLAYROOM more two-dimensional character bit too seriously. At worst, it was And I look at us, in this moment, when we in fact are young; and  with aplomb, seeming every bit the desperately earnest. This may be before it’s even over I feel nostalgic. kind of man “who folds away his ‘play not production’ territory, but Nostalgia. A hot mass in my stomach. A poem by Duffy. Pain for pants”. I think they could have sped up the home. I feel it even though I haven’t departed. olly Stenham is the hottest Direction was slick on the whole. direction (two or three moments [Lapses into frantic mode again] What sort of a fucked up, existen- new thing to hit the West The usual fi rst night technical had all the momentum of a sloth tialist freak am I? I don’t want to do this to myself. Hell, I don’t want PEnd and this, her fi rst play, errors were happily banished, on Valium) and tried to squeeze to do this to the people around me who just look at me with their eyes written when she was 19, is a damn and the hugely imaginative scene a bit more humour out the script, and mouths wide open whenever I try to articulate even the most sight better than the tripe I passed changes changed my life. Black- because as it was, fl ashes of laugh- truncated version of my thoughts. off as essays in my fi rst year. outs were replaced by bright ter were few and far between. “You think too much for your age,” they say. Malign/misunderstood schoolgirl multi-coloured lights, an eclectic There was also some tension Well, yeah I do. And I like it. Mia (Eve Hederwick Turner) nearly soundtrack and a fast-forwarded between strict naturalism, and Ten steps ahead, that’s me. Always rushing, always eager to be able gets expelled for some torture initi- montage of action. The lighting was moments of stylistic Drama to rewind. The refl ection of today from some mirror river of tomorrow. ation that makes the Hawks’ Club so good lighting designer James Darling. The opening ‘torture’ That’s my craft. (that is a drinking society, right?) Rickenbach almost stole the show. scene oscillated between a gritty [Pauses; she slows down] look senile. Her pederastic alcho- That said, there’s only so bullying documentary and the And today? On this dance fl oor? Now? mum Martha (Jessica Lambert) much tense family drama one dénouement of a Bond fi lm. What of it. can’t cope, so Hong-Kong-expat- can swallow, and an hour and All said, this genuine and intimate It’s not signifi cant. We’ll all be left with souvenirs of it anyway. I just stockbroker-shyster-dad Hugh fl ies fi fty minutes without an interval production was impressive, and make mine on the spot. back; and he’s useless too. is a large helping. At best, the deserves to be seen. JOEL MASSEY The whole team rose to the JOSH SEYMOUR challenge of presenting familial self- Runner-up: Imagination Test destruct with commendable power and sincerity. Hedderwick Turner by Corina Balaban was splendid, bringing the callous teenage brat to life with nonchalant gum chewing. Her ‘Hi’ on seeing her mother again was the coldest one syllable word I’ve ever heard, with years of neglect packed into Next week’s competition: Ghost or horror stories. It’s halloween this week. So write a short story with the two little letters. Jess Lambert intention to scare, haunt or conjure. You might invoke the ghosts of lost loved capably walked the tightrope of ones, or send up the genre with a tale of ridiculous monsters, rampaging murder- being simultaneously drunk, crazy ers and hapless, victimised humans. Good luck! Send submissions to Eliot D’Silva and incestuous. Her conversation at [email protected] no later than 9am on Monday, with the speaking clock was a November 2nd for the chance to win two tickets to the brilliant monologue. Johan Munir folowing week’s ADC main show, and see your work printed in our next issue.

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1 2 3 4 5 19 Knowledge of Norman? (6) The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never 20 Unsubtle con after contact is thus (8) digits 1 through 9 exactly once. use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur 6 7 8 23 Peripheral details I put in alarming in the same row in a separate run). a criminal (10) 26 Barker mentioned by Connery’s trainer, for instance (4) 4 11 9 17 6 27 Touches down in the capitals of 9 10 12 3 Lesotho and Swaziland (5) 3 1 6 7 9 4 28 Girl men mistook for troublemaker (7) 7 4 2 6 8 5 10 Down 6 5 8 9 7 19 11 12 13 14 13 Legally followed-up text injured 1 2 5 13 6 journalist (10) 13 2 Kebab smells horrible, on the turn 4 1 7 2 6 around start of week (6) 4 15 16 17 18 3 Weaponry ruined Mars (4) 8 9 1 7 3 7 7 4 Short, loose blouse pulled up around 5 6 7 8 4 2 chest catches fi re (8) 11 4 Seduces English detective after bad 5 6 www.puzzlemix.com GARETH / MADE BY MOORE www.puzzlemix.com GARETH / MADE BY MOORE 19 20 21 22 start (4) 6 Will passage to begin with strong opening (5) The Varsity Scribblepad 8 Missing one point, my old meaning- Hitori 23 24 25 26 less word’s turned forward to 6 across, perhaps (7) Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more 12 Throw out imperfect goods - both than once per row or column. Shaded squares may not be ends have fallen off (5) horizontally or vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 27 28 14 She’ll try us, running amok without pity (10) 16 A large, even fat, ill girl (7) 17 Feminine desire includes nothing 1 3 6 2 7 5 7 male (8) 21 Sounds like fellow’s going to house 4 7 1 7 6 4 3 Across 11 Vehicle driven into a tardy choice of of prayer (6) course (1,2,5) 6 Footballer who might set a match on 22 Contempt for number of points 13 Strapping one beatifi ed to sin (pow- 5 2 5 4 1 6 7 fi re (7) (with fi nal point moving anticlock- erless) (6) 7 Proven somehow to conceal sources wise) (5) 15 Fraction of unknown quantity 4 4 5 2 3 5 6 of heat (5) 24 An entering into £2000 collection? (4) Last issue’s solutions removed from group (4) 9 Charts return of irrelevant email (4) 25 Keeps track of mathematical opera- 17 Marries, with a swelling abdomen, in 6 4 2 1 5 3 7 2 9 6 8 4 1 3 7 5 Sinks residue by degrees into gains tions (4) 9 9 1 3 6 2 7 5 7 10 5 3 1 8 6 5 7 2 9 4 clothes of mourning? (5) 20 1 4 15 4 7 1 7 6 4 3 Set by Apisashi 7 5 4 9 2 3 6 1 8 (10) 17 Domesticated meat torn apart (4) 4 3 8 2 4 13 5 2 5 4 1 6 7 6 3 1 5 8 9 4 2 7 18 8 8 4 5 1 1 4 3 6 8 2 9 2 7 7 1 3 1 1 7 6 3 1 4 4 4 5 2 3 5 6 6 12 4 8 5 1 7 2 9 3 6 3 1 2 3 3 9 6 4 2 1 5 3 7 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 510) 19 8 4 9 2 1 5 7 6 3 Across: Across: 1 Nobel peace prize, 7 Oblongs, 9 Big bang, 10 Odeon, 11 River Kwai, 12 Susurrus, 13 Starch, 15 Remedy, 17 Ballista, 20 Apartheid, 23 Venus, 24 Inertia, 25 Lesotho, 26 Entente cordiale. 9 1 2 7 7 1 3 1 2 1 4 5 6 3 7 9 8 1 4 2 4

Down: Neoconservative, 2 Bullets, 3 Leningrad, 4 Pager, 5 Iraq War, 6 Englishman’s home, 8 Sir, 9 Bevy, 14 Televised, 16 Meanest, 18 Sinatra, 19 Regale, 21 Titan, 22 Dildo. 3 1 6 4 4 3 5 7 5 1 7 2 3 6 4 5 8 9 6 4 4 3 5 7 5 www.puzzlemix.com GARETH / MADE BY MOORE Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Friday October 30th 2009 29 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sport

Down-ing, but not out after defeat to John’s Sport in Brief » Red Boys always in control but Downing show promise against leaders Karate was far from pretty. The Downing not going to leave the pitch hanging metres down the pitch with the ball A brave effort from CUKC saw ST JOHN’S defence was disorganised but deter- their heads. The team were spirited safely over the line. Downing’s next them lose the three rounds of 22 mined and despite the number of in the face of defeat and like their league match is against Jesus and if their contest against a formi- times John’s broke the line, usually respective supporters Downing their scores against John’s are any- dable Northern Regions squad in the form of fl y half Matt Thomas, were a smaller side but full of life. thing to go by it should be a close 7-2, 5-2, 6-3. Against a team DOWNING 5 there was always a Downing player After eighty minutes of play and fought game. Downing player Ali consisting of various fi ghters covering to make the tackle. This with the visiting fans running out of McWhirter certainly fancies their likely to be in the GB Olympic pressure forced the John’s back- things to chant about their determi- chances as he simply said, “Bring on squad, Cambridge’s Francisco Ed Thornton line into making a huge number of nation fi nally paid off. Pushing for a Jesus”. John’s were the winners this Martínez, former Venezuelan Sports Reporter knock-ons which came when the fi fth try the Red Boys were almost week but that was no surprise. The national champion began with a John’s over-confi dent three quarters over the line when J.P. Westgate interesting clash will be the one for victory. The superior technique repeatedly refused to go to ground took an interception for Downing and second place, which will take place in and power of the visiting team From the warm-up onwards it never and chose to force offl oads which didn’t look back until he was ninety the coming week. shone through in the end, but looked like Downing would cause the proved to be too risky. After the TIM JOHNS the Blues ended satisfi ed with upset of the season and beat John’s, match Andrew Barrett, the St John’s their showing, as Paul Smith but there is more to any match than captain on the day, congratulated and Martínez won three out of just a fi nal score. Both Jesus and his team on their win but sounded three fi ghts and there were var- Downing fancy their chances this disappointed with their overall per- ious excellent performances in year and after the former braved the formance and specifi cally picked out defeat against internationally- acid test of facing the favourites last knock-ons as an issue. recognised fi ghters. week it was Downing’s turn to step Downing came into the match as up to the plate. Like Jesus, Downing heavy underdogs but every member Cycling failed to match either St John’s pedi- of the team played like they were Cambridge’s 1st team came gree in the backs or their force in the proud to be in the shirt. What’s more, away with 2 silver medals in forwards but they put in a fearless they managed to uphold contested the first BUCS event of the effort which showed real promise. scrums for the entire match, which 2009/2010 season, the Hill Climb The Red Boys did not look too is extremely rare in College rugby. Chamionships, last Saturday. fazed by the occasion and ran in two They were not going to walk away Sidney Sussex’s Andy Nichols tries per half. However, their rugby as victors but they were defi nitely secured an individual second place whilst the other podium fi nish came in the team event. Following the only meeting Footballers through to second round of cup which failed to produce a medal last season, Cambridge will be delighted with how they started » Blues too strong for Worcester’s third string despite resting key players their search to claim top spot in EMILY MATTHEWS the BUCS points table for the the ball out. Worcester, with their pushing on from full-back, all persis- third consecutive year. The next CAMBRIDGE 3 fi rst shot of the match, found the top tently posed problems to Worcester. event is the cyclo-cross chami- corner from outside the area. Rutt and Stock were both unlucky onships, which will take place in A number of the squad had turned to see efforts not creep just wide January. WORCESTER 3rds up to support, demonstrating of the post. The fi nal score did not 1 impressive unity and camaraderie. do justice to the Blues’ second-half The twenty strong crowd – nineteen performance. Absolutely nothing to more than the usual attendance – wit- On a different note, linesman do with Cambridge Vince Bennici nessed the Blues kick off the second duties again proved to be contro- England found sporting suc- Sports Reporter half hoping to rectify the poor spell versial. This week it was the turn cess with a victory in the Aussie which had seen them lose their lead. of James Day to express, in no Rules Football 2009 EU Cup As it happened, Stock went down uncertain terms, his unhappiness at in Samobor, Croatia. Having The Blues knew from the outset that inside the box to win a penalty early receiving 45 minutes of abuse from defeated the Czech Republic, this was a fi xture they ought to win on and the game looked to have been other Cambridge sportsmen. “I’m Andorra, Finland and Spain comfortably. Already brimming with won. Baxter restored the lead, cap- fooking seething”, he remarked. on the way, the Dragonslayers confi dence after two consecutive vic- ping an outstanding performance by faced The Flying Dutchmen. tories, a buoyant squad greeted the coolly sending the keeper the wrong Cambridge University AFC (4-4-2) The fi nal score was: England Goals: Baxter (2), Stock arrival of Worcester on Wednesday Goalscorer Stock lays the ball off way. The tiring Worcester side Subs: Hartley (Hylands), Peacock (Maynard), Broadway (Laakso) 12.9 (81) - The Netherlands 8.9 afternoon anticipating a continua- last week, got his chance up front. were now forced to surge forward (57). It was the second time tion of their 100% record. Things went to plan early on, in search of an equaliser, leaving England have been crowned

Cambridge used this outing as an Baxter fi nding space on the wing themselves exposed and allowing ELLIS European Champions. opportunity to reshuffl e the start- only to see his rebounded shot Cambridge to overrun them for In the big news of the week, ing XI. The fi ne form of some of headed over by Johnson. It was not the remainder of the game. Stock’s incomprehensibly unbear- the Falcons was rewarded, as Ellis, long before Baxter broke through pace again stretched the Worcester MARK JOHNSON GWYTHER BROWN MAYNARD able desolation may be on the Brown, Hylands, and Laakso were again, calmly rounding the outrush- defence as his superb fi nish put the cards for Real Santander after promoted to the 1st team. Yet the ing goalkeeper before beating two game beyond the opposition. they once again failed to con- players coming in were far from men on the line with an accurate The chances squandered by the RUTT HYLANDS MICHAEL JOHNSON BAXTER vert chances into goals in their inexperienced. Hylands, a product of fi nish. However, after their early Blues were the only frustrating return match against Unión the Watford youth academy, earned dominance Cambridge struggled to factor. Michael Johnson’s position Magdalena. Billions watched his starting position after a string get a foothold in the game and were ‘in the hole’ allowed him to carve STOCK LAAKSO on as Sergio Romero and Diego of solid performances for the 2nds, punished when Maynard was dis- open the defence. Baxter and Rutt Herrera, among others, waste- while Laakso, double goal-scorer possessed attempting to shepherd on the fl anks, and Mark Johnson fully threw away the club’s chances of making it to the big time in the Copa Mustang for The Anorak the fi rst time in their history, drawing 0-0. Devastated at Real’s probable Football P W D L GF GA GD Pts Men’s Hockey Rugby Union P W D L F A D Pts elimination, 2006 World Fencing Division 1: DOWNING 2 2 0 0 7 4 3 6 Division 1: Division 1: ST JOHN’S 3 3 0 0 106 8 98 12 Champion, the Italian Margher- (Week 2) GIRTON 2 2 0 0 5 3 2 6 (Week 2) (Week 3) JESUS 3 2 1 0 125 43 83 9 DOWNING 3 2 1 0 58 34 24 9 ita Granbassi, and the greatest Emma 1-2 Christ’s FITZWILLIAM 1 1 0 0 6 1 5 3 Downing 3-1 St John’s Johns 22-5 Downing EMMANUEL 2 1 0 1 5 4 1 3 TRINITY 3 2 1 0 66 63 3 9 handball player in the history of Fitz 6-1 St John’s Trinity 27-10 Girton CHRIST’S 2 1 0 1 5 5 0 3 GIRTON 3 0 3 0 24 89 -65 3 the universe ever Anja Ander- Girton 4-3 St Catharine’s Cuppers: Jesus 70-0 St Catharine’s ST CATHARINE’S 3 0 3 0 10 152 -142 3 TRINITY 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3 sen were both unavailable for Jesus 2-1 Pembroke JESUS 2 1 0 1 2 3 -1 3 (Round 1) Trinity 1-3 Downing ST CATHARINE’S 1 0 0 1 3 4 -1 0 Magdalene 0-13 Selwyn comment. Varsity pledges not PEMBROKE 2 0 0 2 1 3 -2 0 Girton 4-0 Homerton Your weekly guide to college sport to let this minor setback pre- ST JOHN’S 2 0 0 2 3 10 -7 0 vent its dedicated coverage. 30 Friday October 30th 2009 Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Sport www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

From left to right: Eton Fives aficionados get down to business at Magdalene’s court; a day out with the windsurfing club on Grafham Water; accept no imitations at Grange Road’s Real Tennis courts; A glider in action above Portmoak, Scotland.

Eton Fives Gliding To many, flying a plane is anything A pepper pot. A chapel. Padded but a sport. Tell that to the 50-odd gloves. Eton College. It’s not the The best of the rest members of Cambridge’s gliding ‘odd one out’ round of ‘Have I Got club, some of whom receive a half- News For You’; in fact these com- Football, rugby or rowing not your thing? Don’t despair...Tom Blue every year in the Varsity prise the historical components of gliding match, an aerial race whose one of Britain’s most idiosyncratic Woolford and Will Caiger-Smith shed some light on some of course changes annually. sports. Possibly as close as it gets to ‘Eton Fives’ was played by boys Cambridge’s lesser-known sporting activities to let you know being a bird, gliding is a truly liber- queuing for chapel at the school. ating experience, says Kate Woods, The game consists of two pairs with what’s worth your blood, sweat, tears and precious time. the club’s president: “There’s no gloved hands batting a two-inch engine, so it’s so quiet. You can see diameter ball against the walls - it Rock climbing for miles around.” The glider is must bounce only once on the floor the name of ‘real tennis’ sounds a French Open ladies champion, towed into the air by another (with and must contact the back wall on Scaling a sheer cliff-face with only bit like it is trying too hard. But current Catz student Karen Hird. an engine) and from there, it’s up or above a horizontal ledge about a rope and crampons for company is this game is the bona fide historical Given its distinguished alumni, to the pilot, just like a bird, to catch five feet from the floor. not everyone’s cup of tea, but rock game of tennis, and its enthusiasts its half-Blue status for men and thermals (rising currents of air) to The ‘original’ court comprised climbing doesn’t have to be quite this indeed call it ‘tennis’ and insist that women, its handicap system and stay airborne. The Varsity match is the edge of the chapel staircase, intense, as a trip to Kelsey Kerridge the modern mainstream variant enviable facilities, the Real Tennis the ultimate test of a pilot’s skills, buttresses down two sides, a two- proves. Whilst the University’s (at least 300 years younger) adopt club deserves more than its 35 cur- weaving through the air in search tiered surface and various sloping climbing wall isn’t exactly Everest, the prefix ‘lawn’ for the sake of rent student members. Perhaps you of these thermal boosts in order to and horizontal architectural ledges. it is challenging, and its small size distinction. should hang up your ‘lawn tennis’ gain the necessary speed to outclass In Cambridge, the only surviving means that ropes are not necessary, Real tennis dates from the early racquet and try the self-proclaimed their opponent. court is at Magdalene College. giving the freedom to explore the sixteenth century; Henry VIII’s ‘sport of kings’ this winter. Go to Gliding is one of the best ways to There is a select band of devotees wall without constraint. Thick crash Hampton Court Palace houses a www.curtc.net for more information. learn how to fly, and once you have who practice a couple of times a mats provide ample cushioning if court in continual use since 1528. undertaken a trial flight and learned week and there is an annual Varsity you take a tumble after missing a The indoor court is asymmetric Windsurfing the ropes, you can use Gransden match. difficult reach, and the scarcity of with sloping roofs and netted galler- Lodge airfield (10 miles outside This minority sport is neverthe- easy holds means that you are forced ies. The play is somewhere between We’ve all experienced this town’s Cambridge) and their aircraft as less distinguished in Cambridge’s to use your head to find your way to tennis and squash, with a net divid- suffocating claustrophobia at often as you like. Trial flight book- history. The club was founded in the the top. ing the court into two but with walls one point or another. A walk to ings are now open: go to 1920s, the Varsity match has been The top itself is not hard to reach; it and sides in play. The ball moves Grantchester and a pint in the Red www.cugc.org.uk to get involved. continually played since 1927, and it is the way you get there that makes very fast and very low off the floor; Lion is a popular remedy, but it enjoys half-Blue status. There are it interesting. Traversing (moving the technique to return it is to can still feel like an extension of hopes for a couple of new courts to sideways around the wall) also offers mimic a slicing volley from tennis Cambridge. There are other options be included in the proposed Uni- a challenging alternative to the – something aided by the curved though; what, for example, could versity Sports Centre which would standard ascent, and is a great full- shape of the wooden racquets. But feel less like Cambridge than being secure the sport’s future. body workout without hours lifting the handicap system that affects on the open sea with the wind in But forget the practicalities: weights in the gym. And, unlike the both points and rules ensures that your hair, standing atop a surfboard what’s it like to play? It’s frenetic; gym, there is plenty of fun to be had: once you know the rules, genuinely attached to a sail? it’s random; it’s tiring and it’s nothing beats racing a friend up the competitive matches can be played Windsurfing is not an easy sport: it bizarre. But the best aspect of the wall and seeing the look on their face between beginners and experienced takes a while to pick up, and is physi- game is that it retains its play- as they plummet back to earth. opponents. cally quite demanding. However, ground charm. One needn’t have The University’s mountaineer- Cambridge University’s Real it’s worth it, says Katie, a member gone to Eton to identify with its ing club (as well as various college Tennis Club has two courts – a of the University windsurfing club: chaos and mock seriousness. The clubs) organises regular trips to the mark of some distinction as nearly “Despite the frustration when you deliciously arbitrary rules and Kelsey Kerridge facility, as well as all other clubs in the country have fall off, it’s such an amazing feeling. peculiar court smack of the nuances to the country’s highest climbing just the one. Perhaps that has con- There’s no better cure for the Cam- of yard football in secondary school. wall in Mile End, London. Try it: it’s tributed to Cambridge’s dominance bridge blues than a day on the water.” As its early historians Egerton and addictive, and, unlike cigarettes, in the recent Varsity matches: It’s easy to get involved: the Uni- Armitage remarked in 1935, “To hit alcohol and the van, it’s good for Cambridge men have won six on the versity’s windsurfing club coordinates a ball against a wall with the hand you. spin and the women three of the last weekly outings to Grafham Water, or a convenient piece of wood is four. It has also helped Cambridge a 25 minute drive from Cambridge, instinctive to boys - no less at Eton Real tennis to a list of notable players: Howard and occasionally to Huntstanton on than anywhere else.” Angus (former World Champion), the east coast. Don’t worry if you’re a So to play is to regress, to be an Remember the ‘Real IRA’? That David Woodman (former Amateur beginner, either: the club is famously energetic schoolboy playing an ath- was the Irish Republican terror- Champion and still in Cambridge as friendly and several members are letic and difficult game – a complex ist group that wasn’t the real IRA a research fellow), Jamie Douglas experienced instructors, guaranteed sport that takes us back to a simpler but claimed to represent what the (current Amateur Champion) and to get you going in no time. Go to time. IRA used to stand for. Similarly, the world Number 2 and reigning www.cuwc.org to find out more. Scaling the heights at Kelsey Kerridge Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Friday October 30th 2009 31 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sport Downing stamp authority on Trinity » The reigning champions go top of the table early in the season after convincing victory

That said, Trinity looked calm on proved effective on the day. served to frustrate the home side Trinity College AFC (4-4-2) Goals: Gammall TRINITY 1 the ball and played some well con- James Corcutt opened the scor- and Rutt, on the sideline, in partic- Subs: Rutt (Bailey), Bussiere (Marchant) trolled, attractive football. Yet they ing for Downing with a free kick that ular as he protested in vain for the failed to really challenge Downing in somehow managed to slip through offi cial to produce a red card. DOWNING front of goal and such lackadaisical keeper Lars Boyde’s wet gloves After the break Downing looked 3 attacking was not enough to break but the dynamic of the game didn’t even sharper than before, win- BOYDE the strong visitors’ defence. For change. Downing kept the pres- ning every fi fty-fi fty and playing their part, Downing could not have sure up whilst their opponents were fast-paced football. Substitute Tom Ed Thornton been more different. What they happy to just knock the ball about Clare was the star of the second half PEACOCK FALDER BAILEY SMITH Sports Reporter lacked in precision in some of their in their own half. A penalty should and his domination in the midfi eld passing and a defence never confi - have given Trinity a chance to equ- earned him two goals, the second of Just under twelve months ago, dent enough to opt for anything but alise before half time when some which from twenty metres out and MARCHANT BURROWS ANWAR TOTTEN newly promoted Downing beat 2008 the ‘get-rid’ option, was compen- obvious shirt pulling stopped an still rising when it hit the roof of champions Trinity 4-0, in the process sated for by their powerful physical almost certain goal but the referee the net. On a high from their three making a statement about the seri- presence and route one tactics which failed to see the incident and it only goal lead Downing started to have AKUSHIE GAMMALL ousness of their challenge as well as EMILY MATTHEWS some fun on the ball as Matt Ackers destroying any hopes the Trinitar- attempted some outrageously silky ians had of regaining their title. skills to embarrass the home team. The game set the pattern for the Perhaps Trinity realised that they Downing College AFC (4-4-2) Goals: Corcutt, Clare (2) rest of the season, and so it was that were starting to look a bit silly. They Subs: Clare (Isaacs), Owen (McEvoy) as reigning champions Downing fi nally mounted a successful attack travelled to Trinity Old Fields to try which saw ex-captain Dan Gammal to repeat the feat on their opposi- beat two defenders and chip the tion’s home turf. If their intention keeper to scrape a consolation goal. HITCHIN was to stake their claim as this year’s Current captain Richard Falder favourites, they were successful. will be disappointed with his team’s

Trinity had beaten many people’s overall performance but if Down- MCEVOY HAGYARD MARSH ZHANG favourites Jesus 2-0 in their fi rst ing continue to play with the same fi xture, but it was still a surprise to amount of dynamism it will take see ex-Blues captain Jamie Rutt on a brave man to bet against them AKERS-JOHNSON NUTT SHERRIFF CORCUTT the bench for the kick off. Whatever staying on route to retaining their the reasons, the lack of urgency that league title. Man of the match Clare characterised their play early on was was certainly in buoyant mood, stat- ISAACS SELLMAN ultimately costly and by the time he ing: “We are probably the best team came on, the damage had been done. Ex-Blues captain Jamie Rutt, who began on the bench, jumps with Downing’s Matt Ackers in the league”.

enough and stampedes one of the Hockey girls beaten The Sporting World wooden fences, smashing through Week 4: Madagascar with ease and scattering specta- Continued from back page concession of eight goals was not tors in a bid for freedom. This Inevitably in the end, the fl ood- reflective of the defensive work, CHRIS PHILPOT doesn’t appear to fi ll the competi- gates opened there was little which showed promise, especially tors with confi dence. Cambridge could do to stem the tide. as right back Rachel Barraclough The early stages of the contest When half time arrived the Blues became increasingly involved in the are surprisingly subdued with were glad to be given some respite game. Nevertheless with the fi rst the participants in the ring taunt- from the deluge. half of the season well under way the ing each other and tentatively Four goals in the red, they Light Blues will have to start regis- approaching the animals before returned for the second half deter- tering points or will face real trouble running away again, too scared to mined to save face and to strive to as the season progresses. attempt making contact. Even- claw back the defi cit to earn a point. Without a doubt, multiple injuries, tually one brave soul bites the Intermittently, the Blues showed the ‘fi fth week blues’ as a three week bullet and grabs one of the zebu, their ability to compete at their pre-season begins to take its toll and managing to keep hold for a full opposition’s level, undoing their the departure of key players have two seconds before being launched slow defensive line. Yet fatigue played their part in the ladies’ slow ten feet in the air and narrowly began to set in and four further goals start. Whatever the cause, things avoiding the fearsome horns on his were conceded – two of which came are not going to get any easier in the way down. A huge cheer erupts off blue sticks – as the desperate short term. Cambridge will have to from the excited crowd. This is evi- defence of the Cambridge players regroup, and will be looking to turn dently what we came here to see. proved to be in vain. the tables come Saturday and take Not wanting to be outdone, the The team was forced to spend most some well-earned points off top of other participants follow in quick of the game defending, although the the league Dereham. n Madagascar, they say you’re harmed by one of the rampaging succession, spurred on by adrena- JAMES GRAVESTON not worth your salt unless bulls. And if that didn’t give them lin, male pride and the alcohol Iyou have at least one zebu to suffi cient confi dence to get up close seeping into their bloodstream. your name. Perhaps only normal and personal with the animals, all There are some impressive per- then that the fi rst glimpse I have those taking part then take a few formances by some of the men of anything resembling sport here crucial swigs of toaka gasy, extra- who hold on for quite some time, consists of grown men trying to strong home-brewed rum, to calm seemingly by whispering sweet embrace this humped bovine while their nerves before climbing into nothings into the ears of the struggling to avoid being trampled the ring. Spectators have been beasts, before inevitably being to death under its hooves. I’m drawn in from all the surround- thrown off like rag dolls. told that in ‘Savika’, the aim is to ing villages to watch the event After over an hour of competing, hold your body against a zebu for and everyone is gathered round some very bruised and battered as long as possible before being looking down into the gladiator- Malagasy leave the ring and the thrown off or impaled on its twelve style pit. The ring itself has been winner is crowned with a time of inch horns. constructed out of thick wooden nearly fi fteen seconds. There is a The weekly contest begins with beams with a gate built in to allow tangible sense of disappointment a prayer over the loudspeakers lest the change-over of zebu when one in the crowd that this time, no-one any of the competitors – mostly doesn’t want to play anymore. It was mauled to death. Not even any local farmers who were cuddling all seems solid enough until an serious blood wounds. But there’s zebu before they could walk – be enraged beast decides he’s had always next week. CHRIS PHILPOT A losing battle: Cambridge forward Jess Hume is outnumbered by Canterbury defenders 32 Friday October 30th 2009 Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West SportS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Looking up: front- Bored of the runners Trinity mainstream? and Downing Try these go head alternative to head in sports for size College league Footballp31 SPORT Featurep30 The sticks Hockey boys bounce back are down for » Comprehensive victory as Blues recover from last week’s defeat the girls

JAMES GRAVESTON CAMBRIDGE 4 CAMBRIDGE 0

BEDFORD 0 CANTERBURY 8

Bec Langton Dan Quarshie Sports Reporter Sports Reporter

An emphatic win against Bedford While the Blues men go from Town put the Men’s Hockey Blues strength to strength, the ladies have back into second place in the East found it diffi cult to get a foothold in Premier A division as they recovered the East Premier Division so far this from last weekend’s disappointing season, losing against sides a lot less defeat to Blueharts. From the off, it able than themselves. This week saw was clear that Cambridge were out the culmination of a series of disap- to make amends, as the high tempo pointments for the Blues as the ladies of their game immediately caused imploded to allow Canterbury to take problems for the opposition. the game eight goals to nil, a series Having enjoyed the majority of possession turnovers and a lack of of fi rst-half possession, the failure organisation proving costly. to convert a string of chances – From the fi rst whistle Cambridge ultimately the Blues’ downfall last were on the back foot, with a strong week – the home side were eventually Canterbury press containing the able to demonstrate the undoubted home side and preventing the fl uid talent which exists in the ranks. hockey which they are accustomed Chris Lee and Rob Mahen keep the pressure on Bedford They took the lead right on the stroke to playing. The Blues were able to of half time thanks to an inspired opening, these were few and far control there was no way back for a hold out for the fi rst fi fteen minutes, piece of play from Simon Sampson between, and any Bedford chances sorry Bedford outfi t, and there was Line-up but once they had conceded a well- and captain Stuart Jackson. Having were snuffed out by the miserly still time for a fourth goal before the worked penalty corner, a few heads dispossessed one Bedford forward, home team’s back line. As gathering fi nal whistle, as a smart turn and Cambridge: went down and getting back into the Sampson drove into the opposition cloud began to deliver the rain that shot from Chris Lee rubbed salt in Robinson (GK) match started to look like an uphill half before releasing Jackson, who had been threatening all afternoon, the wounds. struggle. found Sampson’s continued run for the storm was mirrored on the pitch Based on this, last week will prove Madden (LB), Sampson (CB), That said, Cambridge consistently a far post tap-in and a debut goal for as two Cambridge players became to be no more than a blip in the Saunders (CB), Gordon (RB) looked dangerous on the break, with the centre back. recipients of yellow cards follow- Blues’ promotion campaign. It was a heavily built Canterbury defence Leerkotte (LM), Bell (CM), Motivated by the encouraging ing incidents involving players from a confi dent performance from a side no match for the pace of the front Parkes (RM) fi rst-half, a sustained and energetic both sides. Yet even with the Blues improving with each game, and who three. In the end, it was only an onslaught produced two more goals, down to nine men, Bedford struggled will be glad to regain some momen- Quarshie (LF), Jackson (CF), ever-evasive fi nal pass which was both from the stick of the impres- to recover the ball as the Cambridge tum before this week’s double header Boye (RF) missing and prevented the Blues sive Jackson, to seal the result early players linked up to create a dynamic which sees them face Wisbech Town infl icting damage on the opposition in the second half. While the free- and fast paced game that was simply on Saturday, and National League Subs: Mackenney, Mahen, Lee & goal. Once again a lack of penetra- fl owing style of the Blues’ play did too strong for Bedford to contend outfi t, Plymouth Marjon, on Sunday Salvesen tion haunted the team. offer the opposition the occasional with. With Cambridge in obvious in the National 1st XI Cup. Continued on page 31 Evolution Legend Baby Vodka Revolution Your chance to be a part of every monday Cindies forever! from 10pm Tuesday 3rd November £2 Entry with this Ad