The Bad Horse List
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The Bad Horse List --- Introduction --- ......................................................................... 1 --- Other Critters: Cats --- ............................................................ 27 --- Appearance --- .......................................................................... 1 --- Other Critters: Chickens and Other Birds --- .......................... 27 --- Annoying/Embarrassing Habits --- .......................................... 2 --- Other Critters: Cows --- .......................................................... 28 --- Attitude ---................................................................................ 3 --- Other Critters: Dogs --- .......................................................... 28 --- Barn Manners: Grooming/Tacking Up --- ................................ 4 --- Other Critters: Goats --- .......................................................... 28 --- Barn Manners: Stall Etiquette --- ............................................. 5 --- Other Critters: Horses --- ........................................................ 28 --- Barn Manners: Turnout --- ....................................................... 7 --- Other Critters: Miscellaneous --- ............................................ 31 --- Bath Time --- ............................................................................ 8 --- Playing --- ............................................................................... 31 --- Bodily Functions --- ................................................................. 8 --- Training: Airs above Ground --- ............................................. 32 --- Clothes --- ................................................................................ 9 --- Training: Fox Hunting --- ....................................................... 32 --- Eating and Drinking --- .......................................................... 10 --- Training: General --- ............................................................... 32 --- Escaping --- ............................................................................ 12 --- Training: Jumping --- .............................................................. 35 --- Hampering --- ........................................................................ 14 --- Training: Longeing --- ............................................................ 36 --- Humans in General --- ........................................................... 15 --- Training: Trails --- .................................................................. 36 --- Farriers and Vets ---................................................................ 19 --- Training: Unscheduled Dismounts --- .................................... 38 --- Injury and Recovery --- .......................................................... 20 --- The Bad Human (Horse) List --- ............................................ 38 --- Not all There --- ..................................................................... 21 --- Contributors to Bad Horse --- ................................................. 40 --- Not all There: Horsesauruses (Horse-Eating Monsters) --- .... 22 --- The Bad Mule List --- ............................................................. 40 --- On the Road/Shows --- ........................................................... 25 --- Contributors to Bad Mule --- .................................................. 41 --- Introduction --- This is a list of things horse ownees would have their pets write on the blackboard, like Bart Simpson, if they could get them to write. This list was begun May 29, 1999 and is copyrighted by Harold Reynolds (the creator and maintainer), though animal shelters may use it for fundraising purposes. Latest update: October 16, 2012. The original Bad Horse List was maintained by Dr Anne Wright, but it went off-line with no explanation several years ago, so I started this copy with a (probably quite old) copy sent courtesy of Kathy Schriber. It is missing all the original contributors, unfortunately. The Contributors List contains only the people who have sent me contributions since I started the list. --- Appearance --- 1. After my grey coat is sparkling white, I promise not to get green stains up under my blanket or lay my head in poop. 2. I will not cake myself with mud, and then kick and squeal when trying to be groomed. 3. I can stop scratching my butt long enough for my tail to grow. 4. I promise not to look at my vain self in the mirror while my human is riding me. 5. I will forgive my human for the very bad haircut she gave me even though I look like a freak. 6. I will learn to get dirty sometimes, as all horses do, and will not insist on fresh green grass to roll in. This means I will also learn to walk through mud. My feet will not fall off if I do. 7. I will not ALWAYS find the MUDDIEST spot in the pasture to roll in. I can roll in the nice grass like everyone else, I REALLY can. 8. I will not attempt to pull my human's mane while she is pulling mine. (I had one that would pull on my hair while I thinned his mane.) 9. I will not cover all but the very front of my face in thick mud when my humans have a van scheduled to transport me in their absence. 10. I will not get mud dreadlocks in my mane which takes my human an hour to get out. 11. I will not make my own mud in the middle of a drought by peeing in the dirt and then rolling in it. 12. I will not roll in the mud every single day (when mud is available and trust me, this spring will be a mud bath) and then rub my caked body along the sides of my stall and feed box. 13. I will not rub my face in the mud even though I like my human pulling all the little bits of mud off with his fingers. 14. I will not rub my half of my mane out so that I look ridiculous. 15. I will not rub my head on my human when he is standing on a bucket trying to get the mud out of my mane thus unbalancing him. 16. I will not rub my tail the day before a show. 17. I will not rub my tail. 18. I will not spend to much time being groomed or washed. (For those horses who LOVE to be groomed and washed.) 19. I will not stare into space like an air-head. 20. I will not turn my head round and lean on my human's shoulders with my head totally blocking his vision when he brushes my neck. 21. I will put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos. 22. I won't eat the grass on the other side of the fence, rubbing all of my mane off. 23. I won't show everybody how hard my workout was by "hanging out" while being cooled off. 1 24. If I look like a lady I should act like a lady. 25. When freshly groomed I must not be magnetically pulled towards every pile of manure in a 2 mile radius. 26. When my human tries to clip my ears, I will not put my head so high she has to get a ladder. 27. When my people are shooting pictures/video to show to the doctors & insurance companies (for Therapeutic Riding through a rehab hospital), I won't "let it all hang out" and stand there flexing it up and down. --- Annoying/Embarrassing Habits --- 1. Although I'm not hurting anything when I tug on my human's shirt when I want her attention, this is rude, and makes people think I'm biting her. 2. Balking out of sheer stubbornness is not okay when first starting the parade. Balking because I am spooked is even less sensible, especially when the scary stuff is BEHIND me! 3. I am not a race horse and will therefore not try to bolt ahead of all the other horses when riding in a group. 4. I can stand still for more than 5 seconds. 5. I cannot dig a hole deep enough to get out of my stall, so I will stop digging one right in front of my stall door. The humans keep stepping in it, and will get hurt. 6. I cannot do a two legged dance on ice. I will slip. I shouldn't do the two legged dance anyway when I am not that scared. 7. I do not need to run frantically up and down the fence line looking for my human. 8. I promise to stop biting my human's sports drink bottle. Even if it is partly her fault for always bringing orange Gatorade which is the same color as a carrot. I have to be sure it's not a carrot, don't I? 9. I will discontinue my newly formed game of breaking lead ropes, as it is an expensive one, and is making my human say bad words, like DOG FOOD, GLUE, and (shuddering) TRAINERS! 10. I will not act like I'm going to kick when my human cleans the wire cut on the inside of my hock. It's my own fault that I wasn't watching where I was going and crashed through the fence! (That is one bad place for a five inch cut-sooooo easy to get kicked!) 11. I will not allow Gizmo to teach me how to remove my halter. It is bad enough that I let him teach me how to get out of the pasture... 12. I will not buck across the entire length of the back side of the race track when my human refuses to let me chase the horses when they break from the gate. (We are the horse and rider who stand on the outskirts of the track to catch run-away racehorses. This causes the patrons to bet on my staying on instead of the winning race horse!) 13. I will not die if I can't get a peppermint immediately upon seeing my human. 14. I will not do the two legged dance because I don't want to stand still. I will also not do the two legged dance because I just feel good and don't want to walk. 15. I will not get jealous of my sister, niece and herdmates because they get their feet picked and I don't. If I do get jealous, I will not put my feet in the water. 16. I will not go insane when my human will not let me follow the mare of my dreams when she bolts. 17. I will not jump