CD How Jewish Institutions CD LL Are Responding to CD Interfaith Marriage C/)
Kvo recent decisions related The bar mitzvah talk by Matthew to interfaith marriage taken Campbell on page 6 of this issue Tby elements in the Jewish offers a poignant counterpoint to if) community have received wide• Rabbi Salkin's article. It illustrates spread attention and sparked a healthy balance of perspective on 0 national controversy: the decision the part of an interfaith child which of Reform Judaism to limit reli• is quite in contrast to the assump• gious school enrollment to children tions underlying the UAHC o who are not being schooled in decision. another religious tradition, and The UAHC decision has angered the decision of a Jewish newspaper CD and frustrated many interfaith in Connecticut not to print inter• families. In our own discussions faith wedding announcements. with interfaith couples as we This issue of Dovetail reviews prepared for this issue. Dovetail 0 +-' the issues raised by these decisions found a range of feelings about +-' within the institutions of the Jewish the resolution. "It forces us away _Q) community and the larger debate from the temple to find our own CO prompted by them. This issue will way," responded one reader. "I feel 0 likely provoke strong emotions. our children are less likely to choose Some of what you read here may Judaism when they are grown. It's anger you, distress or depress you, also made it hard for my Jewish < or make you cry with empathy. husband, who would very much And, we hope, some of it will spur you into asking your own questions of your local institutions. In This Issue Last December, at its national Interfaith Children in Jewish convention in Atlanta, the Union Schools: A Rabbi Speaks... 3 of American Hebrew Congrega• tions—the governing body of Interfaith Children: Reform Judaism, whose member• A Bar Mitzvah Speech 6 ship numbers about one million Debating the people in over eight hundred Internet Rabbis 8 congregations across the United States—passed a resolution urging A View from Inside that Reform Jewish day schools and the Synagogue 10 part-time school programs enroll A Response to the only children not being schooled Jewish Ledger 12 in another faith. On page 3, Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin presents the official Intermarriage Statistics 14 view of this decision.
Volume 4, Number 5 April/May 1996 Dovetail
like a temple bar mitzvah for to think that they want to be part are handling these issues in differ• our three boys." of an unbroken chain of Jewish life ent ways. In trying to cope wixh that will stretch to the future?" interfaith marriage, Judaism is Others think that the resolution Tobin, dubbed "the Wedding struggling with an extremely may not be as harsh in practice as Censor," later opined that "we are delicate and difficult issue, to it sounds. "Our temple takes each all voting on the Jewish future with which there are no easy solutions. family on a case-by-case basis," our own behavior. Anyone has the As interfaith families, we can watch wrote a Dovetail reader, "and it right to vote 'no' or to vote T don't and wait with frustration, disap• will not necessarily follow the care,' but... you shouldn't expect pointment, and maybe some hope ruling." As this reader suggests, the rest of the Jewish community for the future of American Judaism. since the UAHC resolution is non- to cheer you." On page 8, David We can turn away from the Jewish binding on member congregations, Howard offers an alternative community altogether. Or we can it is important to research what perspective. His article reflects an enter into the debate, involving your local congregation has decided on-line dialogue between a Jewish ourselves in our local temples even to do with respect to this issue. partner in an interfaith couple and when we feel shunned or belittled, because our commitment to the The second recent decision that several rabbis on the topic of how tradition of our Jewish partners is has catalyzed national controversy tradition is best maintained given stronger than our distaste for the about Jewish/Christian marriage the fact of intermarriage. current state of affairs. Each of was taken in July 1995 in Hartford, All organizations, Jewish institu• these choices is a valid option, Connecticut. There Jewish Ledger tions included, are subject to the and interfaith families will have editor Jonathan S. Tobin wrote an political pulls and attachment to to make this choice for themselves. editorial arguing that a wedding the status quo that come from between a Jew and a non-Jew was being created by human beings The articles in this issue by Julie not an event for the Jewish com• with strong wills and differing and Mitchell Kraus and Leslie Gura munity to celebrate, and therefore visions. And, as noted above, discuss the decisions and experiences the Ledger would not print wed• different local temples—and of two couples. We look forward to ding and engagement announce• national Jewish organizations—• hearing what you decide. ^ ments of interfaith couples. The editorial provoked dozens of strongly worded letters to the Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel DOVETAILIISSN 1062-7359) is published of communication for interfaitli couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: Dovetail editor, both supportive and scath• parents and their children. The more families Publishing, P.O. Box 19945, Kalamazoo, Ml ing, and prompted an editorial by can share their ideas, experiences, resources, 49019; (616) 342-2900; fax: (616) 342-1012; William Safire in The New York and support, the more they can make peace in e-mail: [email protected]. their homes and communities. Jewish and A one-year subscription is available for Times (July 17,1995),which Christian perspectives can dovetail. took the debate nationwide. S24.99 from the above address (Michigan Believing that there are no definitive answers residents please add 6% sales tax). Inter• to the questions facing interfaith families. national subscriptions are $35-00. Single Tobin was prompted to write the Dovetail strives to be open to all ideas and issues are available forMJO each. opinions. Editorial content attempts to balance original Ledger editorial when he DOVETAIL welcomes article submissions and respectthe perspectives of both Jewish received a wedding announcement (q u e ry 0 r c omplelBd nanuscnpt). lette rs to and Christian partners in interfaith marriages, the editor, and comieMs or suggestions. accompanied by a picture of a as well as the diverse perspectives of parents Send to Joan C HaMdust, Editor, at the and children of interfaith couples. Inclusion couple posed in front of a Christ• a bove address. We hMkfcnvard to mas tree. He wrote,"! can't see into in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. hearing franyoM. Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive that young couple's hearts, but with discussion of all related issues in the Letters Copyrightenai by Dovetail Publishing. such a picture, am I really supposed to the Editor section, and reserves the M lights reserved. right to reply.
April/May 1996 page 2 Children of Interfaith Families in Jewish Religious Schools: An Encounter at the Border by Rabbi Jeffrey K. Salkin
ike a work of art that reveals rancorous debate, our movement Rabbi Jeffrey Salldn is co-chair of something new every time adopted a stance that essentially the UAHC Outreach Commission • we gaze upon it afresh, like says the following: We believe in L and rabbi of the Central Synagogue a symphony that reveals something the power of Jewish education to of Nassau County, in Rockville new every time we listen to it again; help raise the children of interfaith Centre, New York. He is author of like a favorite place that reveals marriages as Jews. That is the another aspect of its beauty every primary goal of the Outreach Putting God on the Guest List: How time we visit it anew—so are the movement in Reform Judaism, to Reclaim the Spiritual Meaning words of Torah. and it is a goal that makes me of Your Child's Bar or Bat Mitzvah proud to now be at the very epi• This time, we revisit the scene (Woodstock, Vermont: Jewish Lights center of its work. We have many where Jacob wrestles with the Publishing, 1992) and Being God's children of interfaith families in stranger at the banks of the Jabbok, Partner: How to Find the Hidden Link our own religious school. Over• a minor tributary of the Jordan Between Spirituality and Your Work whelmingly, those children have which is found at the very borders (Jewish Lights, 1994). This article is Jewish identities that are as secure of the Land of Israel. We wrestle, as their friends' and classmates' excerpted with permission from a here, with the big issues at the who come from homes in which sermon he gave on Decembers, 1995. borders and at the boundaries. both parents are Jews. That is a And now the entire issue of borders testimony to their parents, and I and boundaries is that much more daresay, to our religious school. potent, because we as a Reform movement are constantly trying A Different Path to define what our borders and boundaries are. There are many interfaith couples who have chosen a different path. Or, to put it simply: When do we They have decided to educate their as a Reform movement say "no"? children not just as Jews, but as Christians as well. They are sending Saying "No" their children to two different "No" is not a word that goes lightly religious schools, for two different upon our lips, nor upon the lips of religions. Sometimes they say that any liberal faith. "No" seems to be the child will choose later in life. about the closing of doors, about Sometimes they believe that they the delineation of standards, about want to expose their children to the articulation of principles—yes, the best of both worlds. Sometimes about the drawing of boundaries. they want to make sure that their children are literate in the faith Last week, at its Biennial Conven• traditions of both parents. tion, the Outreach Commission of the UAHC brought to the floor one Raising children in an interfaith of its most controversial resolutions marriage is a challenge. I am in recent memory. It was a resolu• constantly moved by what many tion about borders and boundaries. of our families have been able to achieve in this area. Their achieve• After an hour and a half of often ment in raising unconflicted Jewish
April/May 1996 page 3 ST^ Dovetail
Dovetail's Editorial children gives testimony to what Religious values, ritual, and affilia• Advisory Board my rabbi, Yogi Berra, used to say: tion are important aspects of family "It ain't over till it's over." life. They bind the family together.
Rabbi Irwin H. Fishbein But our movement has problems Woody Allen once quipped: "I am Director of the Rabbinic Center with the "dual religious education an atheist, and my ex-wife was an for Research and Counseling, Westfield, New Jersey track." The resolution we adopted agnostic. We couldn't decide what said we should strengthen our religion not to raise the children in." Leslie Goodman-Malamuth programs for interfaith families, Despite the humor there, there is Co-Author of Between Two Worlds: Choices for Grown Children of helping them choose a religious something to worry about. Join me, Jewish-Christian Parents path for themselves and their then, in worrying when the binding children. But we also said religious Lee F. Gruzen becomes frayed: in worrying about Author of Raising Your Jewish/Christian schools should not accept children those families who have chosen Child: How Interfaith Parents Can Give who are also receiving formal not to choose a religion for their Children the Best of Both Their Heritages education in a faith that is not children. For the result is not a Father Peter K. Meehan Judaism. ... religiously literate child, not a Pastor of St. Emeric's Church, New religiously worldly child, not York; Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: There are borders and boundaries Authoritative Advice for a Joyous even a religiously tolerant child, to what we believe, and to what Jewish-Christian Marriage but a confused child. There are we will do, as Reform Jews. many such confused children. Nancy Nutting Cohen Founding member. Twin Cities Interfaith Religion as Connection Such confusion should not exist. Support Group, Minneapolis, Minnesota The parents need to clarify that, Please be aware of what this Rev. John Wade Payne even before they get married. Pastor of Park Avenue Christian Church, resolution did not say. It was not New York; Co-Author of Happily that we as a movement are begin• Taking Charge Intermarried: Authoritative Advice ning to turn our backs on the for a Joyous Jewish-Christian Marriage I could tell you many stories about children of interfaith marriage what happens in these families of Rev. Dr. Bruce Robbins in our religious schools. Nothing General Secretary, General Commission confusion. I could tell you stories could be more counterproductive on Christian Unity and Interreligious about children who are about to Concerns, United Methodist Church to the task that lies before us: the become bar or bat mitzvah and task of bringing those famihes and Oscar A. Rosenbloom then tell the rabbi, "I still have not their children "beneath the very Cantor, Interfaith Community of decided whether I am Jewish or Palo Alto, California wings of the Divine Presence." Christian." I could tell you stories No: we are simply saying that Dr. Andrew S. Watson about children wearing Jewish children need one faith. Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry stars and crosses to religious & Law, University of Michigan I believe in the power of religion, school. I could tell you stories in the intrinsic value of religion in about children asking their reli• Membership on Dovetail's Editorial the life of the modern family. Recall gious school teachers, "Why don't Advisory Board does not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles what religion means. The word has we pray in the name of Jesus?" and opinions expressed herein. the same root as "ligament." It Religion is not simply the four- means "connective tissue," even "re• festival plan. Religion is not only alignment." Religion should be the about who is or is not the Messiah. thread that binds families together.
April/May 1996 page 4 Religion is about the search for Those are our borders. Those are Excerpts, UAHC Religious meaning, for ethical values in life, our boundaries. Parents will do Schools Enrollment Policy for a moral tribe to call one's own. what they want; synagogues will 'We recognize tliat enrollment of And a child needs a moral tribe. do what they must. Ours is not children in a Jewish religious school a Reform Judaism that distorts It is irreponsible to expose children is a complex decision that interfaith liberalism into license, that surren• to both religious traditions and ders to muddiness and mush. Ours parents do not undertake lightly. It imagine that the child will choose has always been a Reform Judaism can have profound implications for one. Young children can choose that aims for the highest possible the children, the couple and the their sneakers (with supervision). goal, not the lowest common household they have created and Sometimes, they can choose their denominator. meals (with input). Quite often can entail significant sacrifice, they can choose their television In my last congregation, I became particularlyforthe parent who is not shows—and even here I am less friendly with an interfaith couple. Jewish. We respectthe desire and and less comfortable with unfet• The father is Jewish; the mother, acknowledge the challenge for inter• tered pre-adolescent autonomy. from a Methodist background, faith parents to impart knowledge and is very sympathetic to Judaism. But when parents expect their appreciation of the heritage of both child to choose a religion, they are How did this woman and her parents to their children, while giving actually saying: "Truth be told, I husband communicate their them a singular and firm religious don't care about religion, and I family's religious identity to their foundation on which to grow." don't care if my child cares." Parents two daughters? "We taught them "Experience tells us that some have a right and a responsibility to that I am Jewish, and Mom is not," interfaith couples who seek to enroll say: "This is our home. This is the the father once said. "We are a their children in Reform religious religion that we choose for you to Jewish family. We only have Jewish schools are not raising and educating follow. While you are in our home, symbols in our home. We only have this is the path that you will be Jewish celebrations in our home. their children exclusively as Jews... shown." That is not dictatorial; We are part of the Jewish commu• a path that we as committed Reform that is simply being a parent. nity. We have thrown our lot in Jews cannot support." with the Jewish people." "Therefore, [UAHC] resolves to... Parents who expect their children to encourage congregations to... "choose" a religion are actually asking When the synagogue held a them to do something much crueller. memorial service for Yitzchak [offer] enrollment in Reform religious They are asking them to choose Rabin, one of those two girls read schools and day schools only to between father and mother. That is Rabin's granddaughter's memo• children who are not receiving simply psychologically untenable. rable and heartbreaking eulogy. formal religious education in any There was not a dry eye in the The purpose of Jewish education other religion, [and to] develop clear synagogue. is to create Jews. The purpose of and sensitive procedures for com• Jewish education is to teach a faith What Jacob learned at the borders municating the goals of the school that is lived—a strong, positive Jewish of the Land was how to struggle. and enrollment policy to all parents, identity in which the sacred relation• What Jacob learned at the borders particularly interfaith parents." ships between God, Torah and Israel of the Land was how to dream. come together in a single world- What Jacob learned at the borders transforming covenant. of the Land was how to hope. ^
April/May 1996 page 5 ^Dovetail Bar Mitzvah Candidate Speaks on Children of interfaith Families by Matthew Campbell
.K., a rabbi, a priest, and • How do they deal with their a minister walk into a concerns? Obar ... mitzvah. Well, • Do people of different religions that's basically how my story worry about different issues? starts, except it also concerns • Do they prefer different solu• a social worker and an author. tions to these issues? You may ask, "Hey, what do all • Are there real issues and solu• of these people have in com• tions that people often miss? mon?" Well, they are all experts • What are some problems for that I interviewed for my project children of mixed backgrounds? on 'children of interfaith families.' • What advice do you have for children of mixed marriages? I originally planned on interview• ing only kids. However, most kids The Interviews have never thought about this photo by Joe Weber, Carroll Photography Lisa Shapero, a social worker and and didn't have much to say the interfaith program director at Matthew Campbell became bar about it. Often they didn't the Jewish Community Center in mitzvah on November 18, 1995, even understand some of my Rockville, Maryland, thinks that under the guidance of Rabbi Arthur questions. In spite of this, I children who are forced to choose did reach several conclusions. Blecher at Temple Beth Chai in a religion often feel they are Seventy percent of the kids Washington, D.C. In his synagogue, choosing between their parents. that I interviewed said that it is the custom for the bar mitzvah She told me that Judaism is based their family would accept inter• around the home, family, and candidate to choose a topic about religious dating, but only twenty food, so Jews think a lot about which he wants to learn more. percent said that they would how their children will be raised. The child then researches the consider marrying someone She feels it helps children if their topic and gives a talk at the service, of a different faith. parents are clear to them about presenting what he has learned and Rabbi Blecher then recommended who they are and where they his own opinions on the subject some professionals in the field of come from. Matthew chose the topic "Children my topic who would be willing to Rabbi Arthur Blecher is also of Interfaith Families." Following is be interviewed. We asked each of a professional counselor. He a condensed version of his bar them the following questions: told me Jews worry most about mitzvah speech. • What is your career? intermarriage because Judaism • What part of your work deals is transmitted from generation with interfaith families? to generation, Jews are a minority, • How did you get interested in and Judaism is more a cultural working with interfaith families? identity that anything else. • How many people of mixed CathoHcs also worry a lot, be• backgrounds do you meet a year? cause Catholicism is centered • What concerns about their around the home and many children's religion do parents Catholics are ethnic immigrants. talk about most? Protestants don't worry as much
April/May 1996 page 6 because they are a majority in the only will they be looked down United States and Protestantism upon by the community, but is primarily an acceptance of their children won't be saved. beliefs rather than a cultural He also said people can get more identity. moral guidance and teaching if they observe two religions. He Father Michael Kelly, pastor of said that it's easy to get to know, Seventy percent of the St. Martin's Church in Washing• and possible to practice, two kids that I interviewed ton, D.C, says that often when religions. said that their family the first child is born, the grand• would accept inter• parents worry more about the The Books religious dating, but child's religion than the parents Although 1 learned the most from only twenty percent do. Father Kelly tries to make these interviews, I actually began couples feel they have more in said that they would my research with books. From common than they thought. consider marrying them, I learned that intermarriage He thinks parents should decide someone of a has greatly increased since the what religion their children different faith. early 1900s. Of the five and a half should be because kids need million Jews in the United States, to have a label. 52 percent intermarry. It is Gabrielle Glazer is a writer who estimated that in 2035, 80 percent is part of an interfaith marriage. will intermarry. Worldwide, of the She looked at a few books about 16 million Jews, one third of them intermarriage, but they didn't intermarry. answer her questions. Ms. Glazer then decided to write her own My Experience book. She told me that if the For the most part, I know I have parents and grandparents act benefited from being a child of a all right, the kids are fine. She mixed marriage. I get to celebrate told me that Jews don't like twice the holidays. I hear very Christmas trees because they interesting discussions and stories think of them as a symbol of my Christian dad likes to tell on something that excludes Jews. Jewish holidays. And I am lucky Christians think menorahs are to have four loving grandparents all right, though, because they who, despite their religious differ• see them only as interesting, ences (and the fact that they are not excluding them. New Yorkers and Alabamians), Reverend Bruce Epperly is a treat me as well as any grandchild college professor and Protestant could ever be treated. ^ minister at the chapel at George• town University. He told me that Christians don't like to inter• marry because they feel that not
April/May 1996 page 7 Dovetail Debating the Internet Rabbis by David Howard
David Howard is a freelance hen our Jewish who has been reared in t^'O faiths journalist, translator and teacher community center or in none. Those who wish to formed an interfaith He chairs the Education Program W rear a child as a Jew and a Chris• group a year ago my wife Cecilia tian will not have our coopera• for the Jewish Community of the and I showed up mostly out of tion. They can try it without us." Oaks in Ojai, California. mild curiosity. We knew we had Rabbi One felt the children interfaith issues, but we thought would be hopelessly confused they were immutable, fixed and alienated, perpetual strangers forever in their habitual orbits in both camps. Howewer, the of mutual appeasement, periodic degree of alienation depends detente and unresolved conflict. on the religious conununties' Over the next few months receptiviti.' to them. When One thing I learned in the group provided no Big neither community- is receptrve, the interfaith group is Answers—only the opportunity it will often lead to an abdication how difficult it is to to raise and explore questions. of both traditions by the parents understand the dialectics Towards the end of this initial and the children—a scriution of an interfaith marriage period, a local newspaper did that satisfies no one. if you're not in one. an article on Passover/Easter, And if one rd^jon is chosen Most of us who are and Cecilia and I were inter• viewed and photographed over another, it is often because end up shaking our with our children, Hannah one spouse b doannant over the heads and saying, and Eva. When I had to articu• other. Askii^ either to giw up "You just don't get it, late my thoughts I began to see transmission of id^ioas values do you?" that I had come to believe it is like askii^ to cut the baby in was possible to affirm our half. Sokxiion knew no parent existence as an interfaith family. in her rigjit onnd would do that. It wasn't an either/or dilemma, My wife is Hispank; nn' kids are Jewish or Catholic. Our children already bicukural and bilingual. could be both. This pro^~ides a useful analog}': Just as the}' speak two languages I started reading more about and have dual naciooalities, why interfaith issues and found can't they have two rel^ious some official and semi-official traditions? Of course, we can Jewish positions on interfaith imagine circumstances—war children to be quite disturbing. between the VS. and Mexico, Next, I began participating in for example —in wfakfa their an Internet group on Liberal national identities would lead Judaism and found myself debating several rabbis. to deep confusion and crisis. Likewise, we can imagine p>oints Rabbi One of religious incompotibihrv. But why assume these hypothetical One rabbi bluntly stated: "Reform situations will inevitably pro• does not accept as Jewish a child duce dire consequences?
April/May 1996 page 8 Rabbi Two I am surprised by the number Meet Dovetail's of people who have bought into Editorial Advisory Board A second rabbi wrote to me, "Is the notion that children raised the world redeemed through the in both traditions will be torn Mitzvoth ... or through the blood We're introducing a different between Christmas and Hanuk- member of our diverse and of Jesus? I submit that the two are kah, differing notions of sin, irreconcilable, and as harsh as it redemption, heaven, hell and experienced advisory team in may sound, I would counsel so on. Why should that be true? each issue of Dovetail. interfaith couples to choose one or the other." Actually, he Rabbi Three Rev. Dr. Bruce W. Robbins sounds not harsh but simply out The Rev. Dr Bruce W. Robbins is My final well-meaning Internet the General Secretary of the General of touch with what's important rabbi commented, "If individuals Commission on Christian Unity and to a growing number of inter• come up with radically, fundamen• Interreligious Concerns of The United married couples. One thing I tally different notions than that of Methodist Church. The Commission learned in the interfaith group is the community... [then] how is responsible for ecumenical how difficult it is to understand can discrete traditions survive? advocacy, for strengthening the dialectics of an interfaith relationships with other living marriage if you're not in one. The same way they have always faiths, and for enabling ecumenical Most of us who are end up survived—if enough people feel understanding and experience shaking our heads and saying, strongly enough about preserva• among all United Methodists. "You just don't get it, do you?" tion. Wearing 18th century Born in Brooklyn, New York, he fashions has survived in certain attended Oberlin College, received To be a Jew and a Christian you Jewish communities; stoning as a Masters of Divinity from Union needn't resolve the mysteries of Theological Seminary (New York) a form of punishment has not the Holy Trinity or accept Jesus and a Ph.D. in Church History from survived; Passover has survived as your own personal savior, or Southern Methodist University. universally because virtually on the other hand accept some Ordained in 1974, he is an elder of everyone valued it. orthodox Halachic point of view; the Troy Annual Conference and worked for five years as a local you only have to live your life What Worl
April/May 1996 page 9 i^^ Dovetail A View from Inside the Synagogue by Julie and Mitchell Kraus
Mitchell's Story become a Jew. I fumbled for an answer and he explained that ighteen years ago, alone in as the Jewish partner, I bore a Chicago, I decided to catch E special responsibility in forging a movie. That decision changed my child's Jewish identity. my life, because there I met Julie Vanden Jieuvel. Two years later We realized that we would have I married her. to build our own family tradi• tions. We have hosted annual I am Jewish, attended a Conser• Hanukkah parties and Passover vative synagogue as a child, seders since the children were where I was bar mitzvahed, little. Shabbat was greeted and where my family attended with candles, challah and wine. services only on the High Purim was spent at the syna• Holidays. I was a conscious Jew. gogue with Allison always Julie Kraus, 46, is a high school When we decided to marry, dressed as Esther, and our son guidance counselor Mitchell Kraus, Julie suggested that we become David as a series of male 48, is a labor lawyer and president of Unitarian. I rejected the idea Magillah figures. I took the lead, but we could not have the Bethesda Jewish Congregation. on the basis that I was a Jew. become a Jewish family with• They are the parents of Allison, 13, But what did that really mean, out Julie's active participation. and David, 11. The family resides in she asked. I could still attend services on the High Holidays Potomac, Maryland. In the photo BJC has played an important and get bagels on Sunday above, Mitchell and Julie join role in supporting our efforts morning. Didn't I think a Alison on the occasion other to become a Jewish family. Julie Unitarian could enjoy a bagel? recent bat mitzvah. was welcomed to fully partici• Perhaps they could, but if I pate in the Congregation, but became a Unitarian, I couldn't. was not required to do so. Our Confronted with this logic, Julie current rabbi, Reeve Brenner, agreed that we would raise our refers to the non-Jewish spouse children as Jews and that we as a "friend of the folk." Gradu• would be a Jewish family. ally, Julie has become more Neither of us had any real comfortable with Jewish ritual, idea of what that would mean. and the last two years has shared the honor with our entire family Two years later Julie was preg• of reciting the blessings over the nant with our daughter, Allison. candles at the start of BJC's I suggested we consider joining Rosh Hashanah service. Bethesda Jewish Congregation (BJC), a "liberal" congregation. Some people over the years We made an appointment with have asked whether she con• then Rabbi Roger Hearst. After verted. No, I tell them, but I welcoming Julie, he asked me have, from a conscious to a how I planned for my child to committed Jew.
April/May 1996 page 10 Julie's Story dress as Mordechai for the Synagogue Membership: Purim festival, he taught me How Interfaith Families Fit rowing up in Green Bay, the story. For many years I've Wisconsin, a product of G attended High Holiday children's With the ever-increasing number of twelve years of Catholic school• services and learned the meaning . interfaith families who want to affiliate ing, 1 never imagined that I of these important hoHdays from with synagogues, Je wish leaders are would be standing on the bima the experience. [ being forced to rethink membership (dais) with my husband Mitchell last November, proudly wrapping Over the years I have realized policies. Interfaith couples who seek a tallit (prayer shawl) around my that time teaches, and I am no temple involvement can be faced with daughter, moments before she longer insecure about participat• painful realizations. A Christian father became bat mitzvah. But there ing, on whatever level, in Jewish might learn as his son's bar mitzvah I was, and the experience was services and holiday life. After . '. approachesthathe may not stand on wonderful beyond words. making latkes and matzoh ball ] the bima with his child. Or a Christian soup for many years with varying I remember meeting with woman may be askedto step down levels of success, I can admit that the rabbi for the first time, six from her leadership role in a temple my lack of talent means only that months pregnant with Allison. I am a mediocre cook. Allison and sisterhood when it is realized that the BJC shares space with a Presbyte• David joke that "Dayenu" is my • congregation's bylaws prohibit non- rian church. Because the office best song, because it has so few Jews from holding this position. was busy, we met in the church words other than "Dayenu," and sanctuary. Mitch still laughs Says Dru Greenwood, director of I can laugh with them. I truly that it was the cross hanging in ; the Reform movement's Outreach enjoy choosing "December" gifts the front of the sanctuary which Commission: "We must continue for family and friends, wrapping made me feel so comfortable. some in red and green trees and actively to welcome the non-Jewish partner This effort has to be balanced BJC has played a critical role in others in blue and silver dreidels. helping us to become a Jewish I still listen to a CD of Christmas by the understanding thatthe family. The Congregation wel• songs, because they are beautiful synagogue is a Jewish institution, comed me, Mitchell, and then and touch me emotionally. And I [ with its own integrity. Its challenge buy huge bags of Easter candy on our children with open, accepting is to set appropriate boundaries and arms. No one ever asked me if I the Monday when it is 50 percent [ communicate them in a way that had converted. In fact, BJC keeps off, because it's a bargain. How• emphasizes inclusiveness rather no statistics on interfaith couples, ever, as Allison read from the although they probably make up Torah last November, in front of than excluslveness." : _ * about half the congregation. all our loving, supportive family A 1991 survey done by the UAHC and friends, in the sanctuary Outreach Commission found that 88 It was largely through my chil• where we met the rabbi fourteen percent of the temples who responded dren that I learned about Jewish years earlier, I knew that marry• provided some form of membership for life. I would find myself singing ing Mitchell and raising our people who aren't Jewish. Eighty- the songs they learned in religious children Jewish was the perfect seven percent allowed participation school even if I didn't understand decision for us. i? the Hebrew words. When my son on all or most committees, but only 27 discussed how he planned to • percent permitted non-Jews to serve as officers.
April/May 1996 page 11 Dovetail Welcome Interfaith Couples: A Response to The Jewish Ledger by Leslie Gura
Leslie Gura is assistant chief of ecent news articles for discussion about religion The Hartford Courant's Middlesex about Jonathan S. Tobin's before we were married in a civil refusal to print wedding ceremony. office in Middletown, Connecticut R or engagement announcements This article is reprinted with As I would find out years later, for interfaith couples in The permission from The Hartford Laura is not religious but she Jewish Ledger made me think does feel strongly that a child Courant. about how easy it is to attack should be raised with religion intermarried couples. in the household. When it came We generally don't fight back. time to pick, it was a matter of which religion was disliked less. Religion has not been an impor• Judaism won out. tant part of my life for more than 20 years, ever since I was valedic• First Steps torian of my class at fiebrew Laura and I soon entered a school at age 13. Liberated from program for intermarried the thrice-weekly classes I was couples called Stepping Stones, forced to attend for five years, run by a local consortium of I couldn't get away from religion Jewish organizations. For two fast enough. A few years later, I years, we went programs on would have a similar experience Sunday that introduced my wife when I stopped taking piano to Judaism and refreshed what I lessons. knew. Our son, Alex, learned As happens with time, you lose about the Jewish holidays, and some of the negatives and gain the customs and stories that some of the positives. About 10 go with them. • years ago, I bought a piano and The idea behind the program started to tinker with it again was to persuade intermarried from time to time. And three couples that making religion part years ago, religion began to of their lives was good. Clearly a come back, too. goal, though unspoken, was the The love of my life is Catholic, hope that Judaism would be the and unlike many people who religion chosen for the children. are young and in love, we actu• I see to my surprise that Laura ally did have some conversations appears to have been correct about children and how they about the value of religion. Alex would be raised. I remember neither of us expressed much loves being Jewish, and likes the affinity for either of our religions, fact that he's of a different reli• and I particularly recall being gion from the vast majority of his certain that Laura would not classmates. We even had a Hanuk• want kids being brought up kah party last year that was an Catholic. That was about it astonishing success. I still can
April/May 1996 page 12 see the glow on the faces of the Having seen the benefits of a An Outreach Effort of 22 normally fidgety boys and girls positive program such as Stepping Reform Judaism who showed up as they listened Stones—the preaching of tolera• "Stepping Stones to a Jewisli Me" to the story of Hanukkah and tion, not damnation—I can say watched and helped light candles that this is the way to go. is a two-year alternative religious on the menorah. school for children of interfaith Jewish leaders would do families who have not made a Several of our friends from the far better to encourage inter• decision about the religious program have since joined a married couples to seek out synagogue and, in some cases, the religion. This is what would upbringing of their children. It is the non-Jewish spouse has help the religion grow. It may a program where interfaith couples converted to Judaism. I'm not not be the religion that conser• and their children come together to sure my wife has made up her vative and orthodox leaders learn, experience and support one mind about converting, but I envision. But it's time they another as they explore Judaism. do know we soon intend to join realized that in this country, In the words of Saundra Heller, the a synagogue and start my son they should adapt. P developer of Stepping Stones, the with religion classes. program "is the beginning of a Alex asked the Four Questions process. The families represent for the first time this year at a every need and position on the Passover seder. As I listened with spectrum. Stepping Stones pride, I remember thinking how endeavors to provide the tools to not so bad it was to rediscover Judaism. encourage a family to choose one religion. Many Stepping Stones I understand why Tobin and children and families move into Jew• many Jewish leaders oppose ish education and involvement Their intermarriage. The Jewish population has been steadily journey is beginning, not ending." eroding, and the percentage of For more information on the Stepping intermarrieds among Jews is Stones program, or to get the full text astonishing; it's up to more of the UAHC resolution on religious than 50 percent. Just 20 to 30 education quoted on page 5, contact years ago, it was in the single- the Commission on Reform Jewish digit percentages. But the hard Outreach, Union of American line of Tobin and his ilk is wrong, and it isn't persuasive. Hebrew Congregations, 838 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10021. The Way to Go
With our country's astonishing mix of people, love can be blind. Using pressure to discourage interfaith relationships tends to drive people away from a religion.
April/May 1996 page 13 Statistics on Intermarriage: Results from a 1995 Survey
he Jewish Outreach Institute Areas least likely to be a source Now AVAILABLE. . . T(JOI) is an independent of difficulty: choosing where to Interfaith Wedding national organization, embracing live, choosing friends, deciding Ceremonies: all streams of Judaism. JOI's what to believe about God, Samples and Sources mission is to preserve the Jewish deciding what to believe about
he only wedding guide in existence continuity of interfaith families religion, and getting along with Tfor the thousands of Jewish/Christian and promote their inclusion in each other. couples who get engaged each year, the Jewish community. Its na• this new release from Dovetail Parents chose the following group Publishing contains a collection of tional surveys offer the most identities for their children: meaningful and inclusive dual-faith accurate information available wedding ceremonies, with ideas for readings and music, and a compre• about interfaith families in Jewish 28.04 percent hensive list of helpful wedding the United States. Catholic 15.88 percent resources. Protestant 18.24 percent This unique new book is perfect for: An estimated one million Ameri• None 20.61 percent • engaged interfaith couples can Jews are married to someone • clergy Combination 15.88 percent of another faith. These represent • parents Others 1.35 percent • friends looking for a thoughtful 1.1 percent of the total 95 million engagement gift households in the United States. •wedding halls and coordinators Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies is Source: The 1995 Survey of Inter• Of all U.S. married households, available now for $19.95 (plus $3.50 faith Families, A Jewish Outreach shipping and handling) from Dovetail 2.2 percent have two Jewish Institute Report, by Egon Mayer, Publishing. To order with a credit card, partners; 1.9 percent have a call 800-222-0070. To order by mail, Ph.D., and Ron Miller, Ph.D., in send your check to: Dovetail Publishing, Jewish-other faith mix. In other RO. Box 19945, Kalamazoo, Ml 49019. words, almost half of American collaboration with National Family marriages with a Jewish partner Opinion Corp. and The Center for OUR NEXT VENTURE. .. are intermarriages. Jewish Studies, Graduate School of the City University of New York. Interfaith Welcoming When asked if the difference in Ceremonies religious background has been Report available from the Jewish ow that our first book of interfaith a source of difficulty, the over• Outreach Institute by calling (212) N ceremonies has become reality, whelming majority (69 percent) 642-2688/2181. Dovetail Publishing is beginning work on a second volume. Interfaith Welcoming reported none. Of those who did Ceremonies will include a variety of report some, most reported only ideas and options for Jewish/Christian a small degree. Families with families planning a naming or welcoming ceremony for their newborn child.We children are significantly more are currently accepting submissions of likely to report difficulty. ceremonies, and we would welcome the opportunity to review your welcoming Areas most likely to produce ceremony. Please send it (a hard copy with a version on disk if available) to some difficulty: deciding how the address above, or via e-mail to: to celebrate holidays, getting [email protected]. By sending us along with in-laws, raising your ceremony, you will provide a valuable service to other interfaith children, feeling comfortable in families who are struggling with the Jewish organizations, and feeling same issues you've faced. We look forward to hearing from you. comfortable in the synagogue.
April/May 1996 page 14 Letters to the Editor
Terrific newsletter! I look forward You guys are doing excellent to and benefit from every issue. work! You've made a terrific Dovetail's Staff I feel a sense of community home page and are providing with the contributors and other an incredible resource. You may Joan C. Hawxhurst subscribers. We are on a journey not know it, but I've mentioned together. you to several couples. Editor Joan Cleary Ted Borer St. Paul, Minnesota Pennington, New Jersey Mary Helene Rosenbaum Associate Editor
Thank you for a wonderful Editor's note: We are always Alison Siragusa newsletter. It has helped us looking for reader feedback, whether IVIarketing Director understand the challenges positive or negative. Please send of being an interfaith couple, your letters to Dovetail. You can especially this past year when fax a letter to (616) 342-1012 or we got married! Julie Orlowsky e-mail to [email protected]. Northbrook, Illinois We look forward to hearing what you think.
CELEBRATING OUR DIFFERENCES CELEBMATINC. By Mary Helene Pottker Rosenbaum and Stanley Ned Rosenbaum, PhD OUR DiFFi< RKNCES Foreword by Martin Marty LIVING TWO FAITHS IN ONE MARRIAGE (Ragged Edge Press, 1994 ISBN 0-942507-69-9)
'The marl "An active Roman Catholic woman and a Jewish man who...teaches religion have written an important bool<... Essential for pubiic and seminary libraries." —Library Journal 'The Rosenbaums develop many themes needing to be addressed by all couples entering marriage, not merely those entering interfaith covenants...Bool Black Bear Productions, Inc. $19.95, Hardback 1-800-530-1597 Shipping & handling $3.50 April/May 1996 page 15 Dovetail Dovetail is an independent national periodical devoted to the challenges and opportunities of life in an interfaith family. Dovetail makes a great gift for: The following back issues of Dovetail are currently available at $4.50 per issue: • parents trying to be supportive of their grown children's decisions, Issue 1:5 Grandparents of interfaith Children Issue 2:1 Children's Religious Education: • dating, engaged and newlywed couples, How to Decide • couples with new babies, Issue 2:2 Children's Religious Education: Implementing Your Decision • families with teenagers, Issue 2:4 Welcoming Ceremonies • clergy who perform Interfaith wedding Issue 2:5 Intermarried Clergy ceremonies, Issue 2:6 Adult Children of Intermarriage • counselors, Issue 3:1 Ideas for Celebrating • church and synagogue libraries, and in an Interfaith Home Issue 3:3 Seeking Therapy: When • anyone Interested in the issues facing Interfaith Couples Need Help interfaith families. Issue 3:4 Death in an Interfaith Family Issue 3:5 Passover and Easter To order by check, please send $24.99^*^ per subscription, plus $4.50"^ per back issue, to Issue 3:6 Coming of Age in an interfaith Family Dovetail Publishing, P.O. Box 19945, Issue 4:1 Children and Change: Divorce and Kalamazoo, MI 49019. Adoption in Interfaith Families To place an order with a Visa or MasterCard, Issue 4:2 Mistletoe and Menorah: The December Dilemma please call (800) 222-0070. Issue 4:3 How Can interfaith Couples Tailt International subscriptions are $35.00. About Jesus? ^Michigan residents please add 6% sales tax. Issue 4:4 Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies: insights and Advice BULK RATE U.S. POSTAGE ^ Dovetail PAID A A Newsletter by and for Jewish/Christian Families KALAMAZOO, Ml P.O. Box 19945 PERMIT NO. 191 Kalamazoo, Ml 49019 In the next issue: Interfaith Worship Resources ti? printed on req'cied paper