SILLY LISTS
By Hans Niesenbaum Sidesi
© 2015, Nookage Publishing
A volume for Susan, without whose sick humour I would never have dared think this at all funny. Hans Anatomical Artists
Urethra Franklin Lynyrd Skin Hard Manhattan Transplant Clit Richards Geriatric & the Pacemakers The Captain & Toenail Shin Aid O’Connor Pelvis Presley Thigh-man & Garfunkle Otitis Redding Celine Duodenum Callus Zamfir (pancreas pipes) Roberta Flap Cilia Black Carly’s Hymen Cataract Stevens Christine Anus New Kidneys on the Block In Neck Ces Englebert Hump The Rolling Gallstones Elbow John Little Liver Band Whit Knee Houston Belly Joel Bone Jovi Bet Midriff Patella Clark Jimi Cervix Reg Liver More Crowded Arse James Gallbladder Deltoid Goodrem Fleetwood Sack Paul Ankle Manfred’s Manhood Her Mons Hermits Harry Caecum
Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom
Attila the Honeybee Vlad the Impala Osama Bunny Laden Dick Terrapin Long John Silverback Lee Harvey Walrus Adolphin Hitler Nelson Mandrilla Jack the Russel Froggy Kreuger Alexander the Great Bearded Tit Sweeney Todd the Barbary Ape Cone Shell the Barbarian Jaguar-varra Fiddlercrab Castro
Assorted Hourly Chimes
1. Hippie “Hey, you wouldn’t believe it’s ten, eh!”
2. Nazi “Anyvone who disagrees it is ten o’clock, step forvard!”
3. Yiddish “Ten o’clock, it is, and still your neglected mother sits waiting for her call.”
4. Existentialist “One could postulate now’s ten-o’clockness, but the moment has passed.”
5. Quantum-Relativistic “Either it’s approximately ten o’clock and we’re exactly here, or it’s exactly ten o’clock and we’re only approximately here.”
6. Socialist “The decadent hour of nine has been overthrown; hail ten o’clock!”
7. Capitalist “All statements relating to the hour of nine as a going concern are now void.”
8. Aussie “Yeh, no it’s ten, mate, but 9:30’s a bit of an underdog, we should give ‘im another go I reckon.”
9. Kiwi “Tin o’clock, bro’, heaps of time.”
10. Christian “Ten o’clock, and any minute now.”
11. Moslem “It is ten o’clock, 1400 years ago.”
12. Freudian “It is tiny o’cock. No, you imagined I said that.”
13. Royal “Have one of the maids tell you it’s ten o’clock.”
14. American “It’s ten o’clock all over the world.”
Bird Songs
To Everything, Tern, Tern, Tern When the Starlings Begin to Fall Drag the Magic Puffin Magpie’s Farm If I Should Ever Emu I’ll Be Your Booby Tonight God Bless the Prince of Quails Kingfisher of Nothing Buddy, Can You Sparrow a Dime? A Touch of Parrot Eyes Silence is Golden (Finch) Hawk Come, All Ye Faithful Dove is In The Air The Gull From Ipanema You Ain’t Seen Puffin Yet This Ol’ Grouse He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Plover Cockatiels for Toucan You Took the Words Right Out of my Tawny Frogmouth Pea-hen the Beguine Bridge Over Troubled Waterfowl Send In the Loons Bad Loon Rising Shag, Rattle and Roll Lark Lomond Once, Bittern Twice Shy ...and anything else played in a mynor key.
Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files
Thor – electrocution Neptune – swimmer’s ear Cyclops – problems with depth perception Achilles – heel trouble Medusa – snake bite Oedipus – genitalia removed in family row Centaur – foot rot, bloat Colossus – glandular/hormonal Phoenix – burns Gorgon Lady – complications following facelift Pan – R.S.I. in fingers Terpsichore – mania, hyperkinesis Dionysus – alcoholic poisoning Cupid – archer’s elbow Pygmalion – severe psychotic break, genital abrasions Midas – heavy metal poisoning Odysseus – travel sickness Ceres – uterine trauma (misuse of cornucopia) Pandora – chest congestion Minotaur – anger management issues Icarus – inadequate sun protection
Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts
. One small step for a man, but bloody hard in this spacesuit!
. I came, I saw, I played conkers.
. Ah have a DREAM, a RECURRIN’ dream, ‘bout gettin SHOT!
. I am the way, the truth, and the light snack at Communion.
. We will fight them on the beaches, on the sand dunes, in the little rock pools...
. A horse! A horse! I could eat a fuckin’ horse!
. ‘All men are created’ equals nonsense.
. Beam me up, I need a cuddle, Scotty!
. Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what the whole world can do for you.
. I did but see her passing by, but I cracked a fat a mile high.
. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ask who let out Quasi Modo.
Poorly Worded Marriage Proposals
1. My darling, I cannot imagine my life without you; help my lack of imagination and marry me! 2. Please do not condemn to bastardry all my offspring I would have you bear: marry me sweetheart! 3. You know no-one else could love you – be my wife! 4. Darling, your answer to this question will greatly influence how you feature in my autobiography… 5. I would be willing to settle for you, to give you an opportunity to marry upward, and I take your silence as grateful acceptance. 6. Would you do me the honour of allowing me to make you the most grateful woman in the world? 7. I would like to ask for your hand, with the housework, and in marriage.
Fish Songs (for coral arrangement)
Curiosity Killed the Catfish School’s Out For Summer Another Pleasant Trevally Sunday Winkle Winkle Little Starfish Love Poisson Number Nine Unchained Mulloway I Don’t Know How to Love Bream I Want to Weigh Carp With You Mackerel the Knife I’m Dreaming of a Whiting Christmas Barramundi Monday Goldfingerling Wild, Wild Seahorses Heart and Sole Genie with the Light Brown Herring My Guppy Runneth Over You Are the Sunfish of my Life Starfish-Crossed Lovers Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat The Green, Green Wrasse of Home Tie a Yellowfin Tuna ‘Round the Old Oak Tree Sexual Eeling Avé Marinara If I Had a Haddock The Moray See You, Remora Want You Leader of the Pike Little Ray of Sunshine Mullet of Kintyre The Hippie Hippie Sharks Somewhere Over the Rainbow Trout This is Not a Guppy, Love You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lou Seal Puff the Weedy Sea-Dragon Where Have All the Flounders Gone? The Tides They Are a-Changing Blenny And The Jets That’s a Moray Groper Cabana
Insect Songs
1. Dreadlock Holiday (I don’t like crickets, ah...) 2. Teach Me How To, Fly 3. Let It, Bee 4. (Are you going to) Scarab Affair 5. The National Antem 6. My Angel Is a Centipede 7. This Ol’ Louse 8. Arkansas Grasshopper 9. Dream Larva 10. I Can’t Go For Gnat
Insults From Around The World
• May a herd of gnus poo in your shoes. – South Africa • How few are your household’s swine! – New Guinea • Your sampan is full of idiots. – Thailand • Your wife’s neck length is insufficient for using both hands. – Congo • Your wife has gone the way of the walrus. – Eskimo • Your clogs smell like a French cheese. – Holland • Your cheese smells like a Dutch clog. – France • Capitalist pig! – U.S.A. • Backward socialist! - Russia • Your mother’s lower lip barely covers her chin. - Kenya
Monster Country Hits
• Don’t Forget to Dismember Me
• Like a Ninety Stone Cowbow
• Eyeballs in the Stream
• She’ll Be Crushin’ Down the Mountain
• Hello Country Bunyip
• Godzilla in the Straw
• Swing Low, Sweet Knuckles
• Old MacDonald Had a Dungeon
• Oh My Darlin’ King Kong
• Behind Closed Jaws
Jesus: The Lost Years
A.D. 16 – Cashes in his gold, frankincense and myrrh for imported sports-camel.
A.D. 17 – Barefoot surfing in Africa.
A.D. 18 – Effortless ascent to summit of Everest; make base camp there.
Summer of A.D. 19 – Galilee Beach: turning tricks in fishnets.
A.D. 20 – Forms rock band ‘The Scarabs’.
A.D. 21 – Meets Mary Magdalene (q.v. ‘the first Yoko’); Scarabs descend into self-indulgent Gospel band.
A.D. 22 – Opens shoe repair kiosk in Jerusalem, becomes famous for everlasting soles.
A.D. 23 – Starts healing lame behind kiosk, quickly doubles his trade.
A.D. 24 – Invests entire kiosk fortune in 25,000 barrels of water.
A.D. 25 – Makes a killing selling 25,000 barrels of wine.
A.D. 26 – Opens fish cafe with seating for multitudes, successful beyond belief.
A.D. 27 – Cafe closed by Health Dept. when discovered fish of uncertain origin.
A.D. 28 – Flees to freaked out cousin J.T. Baptist in mountains (“I came for the fresh air, I stay for the locusts”).
A.D. 29 – Whacky J.T. helps Jesus re-invent himself, and a plan is sketched out for the next four years. How that turned out is well known.
Odd Rellies
• Uncle Uttered – neat freak • Aunty Diluvian – very old fashioned • Aunty Climax – always forgets the punchline • Uncle Ian – leper • Uncle Oathed – nudist • Uncle Ad – ditto • Aunty Pasta – hard and snappy at first • Uncle Ear – rather vague • Uncle Eaved – the only butcher with 10 fingers • Uncle Enched – quadriplegic • Gran Mal – epileptic • Granpa Raid – Mardi Gras queen • Granny Smith – full of worms • Uncle Aimed – rides the baggage carousel at airports • Aunty Up – card shark • Gran Ted – who they all feel taken for • Uncle Ass-Conscious – boasts of once having said “hello” to maid • Aunty Pathy – never a nice word to say about anyone • Aunty Disestablishmentarianism – verbose • Aunty Lockbrakingsystem – tries to avoid leaving skidmarks • Aunty Natal – always the midwife, never the wife • Aunty Abortionlobby – dogmatic, fails to see the bigger picture • Uncle Oystered – outed monk • Uncle Ipped – has never trimmed his nails • Uncle Apsed – has permanent erection • Gran Ules – fell into coffee grinder
People Who Only Made History After Changing Their Names
Fred Christ Bluey the Baptist Doug da Vinci Dudley Caesar Rambo Schweitzer Fritz the Hun Dicky Bonaparte Billy-Joe Einstein Cheryl of Bingen Narelle of Arc Noel the Conqueror Ricky Raleigh Cletus Columbus Richard Coeur de Lemming
Operas, Ballets & Musicals Which Never Made It
Swandiving in Lake – the story of one man’s quest to find quadriplegia
The Battered Bride – a wedding where everything goes wrong
Porking and Bestiality – a touching portrait of rural life in America
H.M.S. Pina Colada – G&S try their hand at reggae, to ill effect
Wriggletto – a tiny worm’s journey from garden to fish hook
The Nut Cracker – story of tycoon in eunuch trade, doesn’t lend itself to ballet
The Barber of Chernobyl – tragic tale of business dwindling due to balding clientele
Comatose Beauty – a very sick Tchaikowski takes things way too far
Deflater Mouse – a spate of flat tyres has a village up in arms
Pyrites of Penzance – a group of sailors risks everything for fools gold
Fausty – a deal is made with the devil to rid a house of damp flannel smells
The MacArdo – set in feudal Scotland, the bagpipe score lets it down
Phantom of the Operation – a haunted surgical theatre has everyone in stitches
Madame Butterfingers – a palsied geisha becomes a danger to others
The Ring – 5 hours of humorous ringtones; Wagner really scraping for ideas here
West Side, 38th Storey – ‘Flying High’ meets ‘Towering Inferno’ in this 9/11 romp
Cat’s – an ill-placed apostrophe kept audiences well away
The Marriage of Fingered Rose – can she be digitally remastered?
Prosthetic Songs
Pegleg Sue Me and Stumpy McGee Oh Wooden Tit Be Lovely Penny Lame Ebony Eyes Whack a Nail in My Shoes Bits and Pieces I Wanna Have Your Hand She Chose Bette Davis Eyes Isn’t It Bionic?
Songs To Do Drugs By
Speed Goes Up My Rosemary’s Nose Smoke Gets In Your Eyes I Get My Kicks Out Of View There’s a Kind of Hash Little Sir Ecca Für Elise D Crack ‘n Rosie I Am, Ice Head Melting Pot Que Syringe Syringe I am 16 Going On 70
Songs the Queen Likes to Sing in the Shower
1. One’s Cherie Amour 2. Dancing Queen 3. One is Woman 4. One Has a Loverly Bunch of Coconuts 5. Black Betty 6. Union Jack Flash (“One was born, in a crossfire hurricane…”) 7. Ten Princesses Sitting on the Wall 8. Someone Over Thee Reigns, Bow 9. One Did it One’s Way 10. The Windsor Takes it All 11. Send in the Crowns 12. One’s Never Been to One 13. One and You and a Corgi Named Boo 14. Frosty Uncle Snowden 15. They’re Coming to Take One Away, Ha HA 16. House of the Tiresome Son 17. Do That to One One More Time
Prince Phillip’s Shower Songs (far fewer showers)
1. Ah Shuddup-a You Face 2. I Who Have Nothing 3. Nowhere Man
Sordid Similes : I was as…
1. Sick as the U-bend in a bulemic’s basin 2. Full as a bulemic’s handbag 3. Quiet as the outpatients ward at the morgue 4. Surprised as a burns victim completing a blind date 5. Bored as a stump full of woodworm 6. Happy as a dick in a broken condom 7. Quick as a root in a lift 8. Filthy as a fistful of phlegm 9. Hung like the National Gallery 10. Busy as a dungbeetle in a shitfight 11. Lost as a Pommie in a bathtub 12. Wet as a blind man’s dunny 13. Obscure as a fat woman’s fanny 14. Funny as a fanny fart 15. Brown as a bungee jumper’s undies 16. Unwanted as a booger on a bedspread 17. Fit as a Grand Mal 18. Broke as a fat bloke’s chair 19. Shocked as a frog in a toaster 20. Flat as a slow cockroach 21. Rough as a sandy bumfuck
(Some non-original gems:) Angry as a blind pimple Ugly as a hatful of arseholes Dry as a nun’s nasty
Songs to Excrete By
When Urine Love The Sound of Mucus Smeg Gets In Your Eyes The First Time Ever I Saw Your Faex Heaving on a Jet Plane Eternal Phlegm Chunder ‘Neath the Arches A Time For Pus Shittin’ at the Dock of the Bay Classical Gas I Get a Kick Out Of Spew Maybe It’s Because I’m a Chunderer Bye Bile Love See Ya Later ‘Jaculator Waxy Lady Do You Want to Know a Secretion? Li’l Green Pustules Amazing Grease I Got Sebum Under My Skin C’est Sebum Wee Shall Over Cum While My Catarrh Gently Weeps Blame It On The Boogie I Wanna Hold Your Gland Sweat Caroline What Kind of Drool Am I? Gonna Bog on Your Door, Spit on Your Bell, Piss on Your Windows Too Blowin’ Out The Wind The Wind Beneath My Skirt
Ten Reasons a Nice Cheese is Better Than a Woman
1. Cheeses are slightly less binding 2. Blue veins can enhance the appeal of a cheese 3. A cheesy odour is satisfactorily explained when in a cheese’s presence 4. “Singles” are not reject cheeses 5. A cheese being a little tart won’t give you a disease 6. Often two cheeses you like go well together 7. “Mature” cheeses are not past their use-by date 8. It never occurs to a cheese that it wants to have little cheezles 9. Cheese can be had with or without wine 10. Cheese sticks to the dishes after dinner without interrupting TV
Things Not To Do At A Funeral
1. Repeatedly lift coffin lid and shout “PORF!” 2. Sign casket with sarcastic quip 3. Stub out cigar on headstone 4. Snort derisively during eulogy 5. Startle pallbearers with ventriloquism 6. Harangue mourners with existential bleakness 7. Whistle while coffin being lowered 8. Boast about one’s own “close calls” 9. Attach tin cans to hearse with sign “JUST CARKED IT”
To Which the Flesh is Heir
BAD WORSE Have pins pushed right Longitudinally through fingers Gouge out eyes with hot With fish hooks teaspoon Have teeth chipped out with Have roots drilled & packed chisel with explosives Remove toes with bolt cutter Pare them to the bone with a peeler Tearing lips off Grinding lips off Having eardrums cauterized Listening to disco music Having tongue hacked off Having tongue sliced into wiggling ribbons Have kneecaps shattered Have them pried off Losing both hands in Finding both hands in threshing machine threshing machine Being reamed with a Bamix On low speed
The Ten Commandments First Draft
Archaeologists were stunned to find, beneath a pile of rocks on Mt. Sinai, an ancient stone tablet with chiseled inscriptions. It appears to be Moses’ first draft of the Ten Commandments, and if it is so, provides unique insight into Moses’ desperate and inept struggle to bring law and order to his frustrated band of wanderers seeking The Promised Land.
1. Finders keepers 2. Losers weepers (note this is a separate and specific provision) 3. Don’t run with scissors sinners 4. Mind your mannas 5. He who smelt it will be deemed to have dealt it 6. Don’t make jokes about smelly feet God smelly feet OR God 7. The Ark of the Covenant is NOT a toilet 8. No peaknuckle in the Tabernacle 9. The next person who hums The Theme from Exodus shall be slain 10. No, and I won’t say this again, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!
Things I’m Disappointed With
• Thanksgiving turkey – bought it one week ago, still waiting to be thanked. • No More Tears shampoo – find I am as lachrymose as ever, if not more. • Golden Retriever – good at sticks, has yet to retrieve anything remotely golden. • Margarine – I can believe it’s not butter. • Sausage dogs – quite unpalatable. • Goldfish – apparently only worth their weight in fish. • TV dinners – pointless anywhere outside ratings season. • Miracle whiteners – whites are whiter, but Pope refuses to canonise me. • The human race – we won it hands down, but the losers keep whinging about oppression. • Automatic typewriter – still has not typed a single word. • Digital cameras – digital? What else would you operate them with? • Ocky straps – most disappointing – nothing like calamari. • Urinal cakes – the whole packet was given a wide berth on the Christmas table. • Toothpaste – passers-by still seem less than dazzled. • Tampons – only slightly more carefree, no matter how many I smoke.
The Spanish Requisition
We now know that the Spanish Inquisition was merely an informal follow-up to the Spanish Requisition, which had gone unanswered. It was in fact a rather polite note along the lines of “RE our earlier request”, very far from the inquisitorial horrors since dreamed up by Hollywood.
True, Spaniards had long sought world domination, as envisaged in their song ‘Spanishise’. However, after their defeat by Lord Nelson in 1683 and subsequent long imprisonment in Spanish Harlem, they became demoralised. Seňor Dariz eventually came forward with the following request to their captors for some home comforts and party favours. It is this list which became known as the Spanish Requisition. (He was later fêted with the song ‘Dariz Arose...’)
1. 20 paellas 2. 4 pairs castanets 3. 3 guitars 4. 8 flamenco costumes 5. 4 dancing horses 6. 1 bull, 1 cape, 1 thin dandy 7. Flea 8. Fly 9. Book of Magic (Andalusian) por favor
Seizing the Moment: Rare Opportunities
1. During a blackout, take a bath with a toaster, and enjoy the exquisite thrill of staying as long as you dare. 2. When bored with the above, hand in blender can be very focusing in a blackout. 3. When in an aeroplane, go and see the cockpit, but you need to shout very loudly at the pilots because of their headphones. They won’t hear if you knock, so just enter very quickly. 4. If you have an elevator to yourself, make the stupidest possible face, up to the instant someone comes in. Avoid a)cameras and b)faces involving eye closure. 5. In an earthquake, is it still possible to hold a needle very close to your eyeball? Why not find out? 6. Would a tinfoil kite on a reel of copper wire be too flimsy to survive a thunderstorm? Build one that might, and test your ideas next thunderstorm. 7. Bathroom cabinet full? Razor blades are easily stored by slipping invisibly into apples. A full-cabinet situation can thus be turned into a source of endless amusement should friends come calling. 8. If you started a domino effect on a row of Harleys from each end, would it all cancel out? Find out, whenever you see a suitable gathering. 9. Wondering whether or not the quality of mercy is strained? Visit a refugee camp right now, and see people being pushed through mesh.
Questions to Annoy your Butcher
• Is venison dear? • Do you keep dripping? • Do you have any brains at all? • Can you give me some tongue? • Is this where my hairdresser gets his mince? • Do you send cured meat back to the abattoir? • Why make sausage knots so hard to untie?
Piratespeak
Arrh: mandatory preface to, and optional substitute for, any utterance Avast: I have asked Booty: inedible part of infant’s foot Bows: together with wows, distinguishing features of a barque Buccaneer: where to hang a buccaneering Cannonball: testicular inflammation from sitting astride cannon; chronic bowleggedness Capstan: 1. captain (pl.); 2. device for anchor management Come About: v. masturbate willy nilly; n. what there’s a lot of after a good flogging Commandeer: Bambi’s less glamorous cousins Cutlass: cowardly Davey Jones’ Locker: campest closet in Monkees dressing room Dinghy: one o’clock. When ship’s bell sounds ‘dinghy-dinghy’, it’s two o’clock, etc. Dubloons: signal da ship is partying Eyepatch: forerunner of nicotine patch, has picture of cigarette on the inside Flog: Japanese toad Galley: little girl Galleon: there is a little girl aboard Gunwales: the most feared of the killer whales Helm: large version of helmet Jigsaw: adj. aching from excessive shipboard dancing Jolly Roger: a cheerful coupling Keelhaul: truckload of stolen keels from shipyard Land Ho: n. prostitute living ashore; v. to fish her out of the water Marooned: extremely sunburnt Old Tar: substance coughed up after smoking the hornpipe Parrot: a most frightfully upper-class pirate Pegleg: Cap’n Heather, notorious treasure hunter and chewer of Beatle nuts Pieces of Eight: two circles Pillage: 3 Travacalm per matey per day Pirate: Japanese raider from above, esp. kamikaze Plunder: careless error Sea Shanty: small, rundown houseboat Seven Cs: e.g. four FWs and three SOBs Scurvy: it is not straight Square Rigger: position adopted by corpses in boxes Stern: it is a seagull Swabbing the Deck: in Pirate Poker, secretly swapping one pack of cards for another Swash: n. (generic) that which is buckled by pirate action Transom: what mutineers hold the captain (to) Walk the Plank: 1. walk a tiny 1.62x10-32m (Planck length); 2. walk a plank length + Planck length (= plonk length) Wheelhouse: bwicks and mortar, not a ship or sea shanty Yardarm: Captain Hook’s former name Yo Heave Ho: attention- this lady is broken, let us throw her away
Greengrocer Songs: Con’s Covers
You will note the extraordinary number of contributions by John Lemon and Pawpawl McCartney. Originally owned by their Apple Recordings, then by Yoko Onion (who took them with a shot of Lemon), they were later acquired by Michael Jackfruit, which really upset the Apple McCartney. Ringo Starfruit seemed unmoved, preoccupied perhaps with Thomas the Tank Endive, but George Haricot would have turned in his grape.
Give Peas a Chance Back in the U.S.S. Artichoke The Ballad of John and Choko Chili Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Magical Mystery Gourd Class Onion Lettuce Be Be Cos Aubergine (There’s No Heaven) Eleanor Figby And I Love Herbs I Wanna Hold Your Hand of Bananas A Hard Dates Night Strawberry Fiends Penny Lime Yamstoday Olive and Let Die My Sweet Potato Chat Out of Hell Chat and Nougat Chew Chew (Pardon me boysenberry...) Turnip Your Radio Gasoline Alley Breadfruit The Mighty Quince Puppet on a Stringbean French Beans in the USA He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Broccoli Arrivederci Roma Tomato Give My Regards Tomato Give My Regards to Broadbean Yams to Me, Yams to You, Yams Today El Condor Parsley I am a Rockmelon Crocodile Rockmelon Cantaloupe in the Wind Rocket Man Tiny Damson Sorrel Seems to be the Hardest Herb Yellow Pokerdot Zucchini Good Cauli, Miss Molly! Long Tall Celery Nana Nana Luftballons Mr Tangerine Man Frosty the Snowpea Pears in Heaven Ten Green Bartletts I, Yam Woman Eschallot the Sheriff Wee Shallot, be Moved Chive Talk Suspicious Rinds Blue Swede Shoes Basil Right Mama Bohemian Raspberry We are the Champignons Girls Just Want to Have Fungi Thyme After Thyme Don’t Put Your Daughter on the Sage, Mrs Worthington The Fennel Countdown Cloves to You My Girl Dill O Mine Paparsnip Swede Home Alabama Butternut Bush City Limits Rhubarb, Don’t Take Your Love to Town Radish in Ruby I’ve Grown Accustomed to her Date Mandarin Wind Brassica Gas They Call the Wind Papaya Smoke on the Watercress Catch a Falling Starfruit Jesus H. Christ! Superstarfruit! Pawpaw Pitiful Me Turkey in the Strawberries My Cherry Amor Piano Mango Gonna Wash That Mango Out of my Hair There is a Row of Spanish Onions I Never Promised You a Row of Garlic Life is a Cabbage Array, Old Chum Love and Cabbage Towin’ the Lime Pineappalachian Spring Pie ’n Apple Poll Figaro Amazing Grapes Avo, Maria? How Crate Thou Artichoke? Bok Choy to the World Cucumba-ya, My Lord The Beet Goes On Silverbeets Amongst the Gold You’re Just Too Good to Beetroot Peach Your Children Well Let Me En-plantain You Spinach Wheel Leek be a Lady Tonight Baby, It’s Kohlrabi Outside Love for Kale Watermelon a Day Makes Melon Cauli Baby Desiree ’n Bow Round my Shoulder Who Wants to be a Mignonette? The Orange and the Greenpepper Carrot’s in the Cradle You Were Always on my Mint What’s That All a-Sprout, Alfalfa? What’s a Brussels Sprout, Alfie? Do my Daddy Love Me? Yes Endive he Do
...to name but a few.
Deli Songs
We shall ignore that ribald deli song which begins: I had so much mortadella But the wurst got in the way, So I grabbed her by the foie gras And showed her my paté...
Cabanossi Come On Devon is my Woman’s Love Brawn in the USA If You Knew Sushi It’s my Paté Sergeant Pepperoni’s Hearts Club I Wanna Be Brie The 23rd Psalami Franks for the Memories Gherkin, 9 to 5 Only Baloney
Cellphonetics: What Words Meant Before/After Mobile Phones
SMS: Accidentally misspelt distress call/Invariably misspelt text call
CELLPHONE: Prisoner’s link to outside world/Businessman’s ball and chain
UNCAPPED CALLS: Shouting and waving hat to attract attention/Mumbling on at length about nothing
3G: Three thousand dollars/Three thousand blackspots
MOBILE: Unfixed/Device fixed to ear
RINGTONE: General sphincter fitness/Aurally administered sphincter constrictor
RECHARGE ACCOUNT: Become richer/Become poorer
BLUETOOTH: From connectivity with blueberries/For connectivity with Blackberries
BACKLIGHT: To avoid hitting things in backyard/To assist hitting things with thumb
VOLUME CONTROL: Restriction of quantity/Same quantity louder or softer
EAR PIERCING: Decorating the ear/Someone else’s ringtone at night
MICROWAVE: Irradiating food processor/Field encompassing brain during conversation
MOBILE COVERAGE: Kinetic ornamentation for ceiling/Static, towering eyesores throughout countryside
BAD RECEPTION: Ill-attended after-wedding party/Why no-one knew the venue had changed MULTIPLE TEXTS: A great resource for homework/Complete distraction from same
MULTIMEDIA TRANSMISSION: TV & Hi-Fi simulcast/Tiny images with tinny sound
CONTACT LIST: Set of people you can get together with/List of people to phone instead
SPEED DIAL: Emergency numbers when time is crucial/Convenient access to people who can’t help
NOKIA: Sign on door indicating where to knock/Sign in shop indicating where to buy phone
MOTOROLA: Motorised Victrola/Mobilised hubby controller
MONTHLY CAPS: Capsules for period pain/A periodic pain iPHONE: What i do/What i do it with
Butchers’ Songs
It’s a Long Way to the Chop 59th St. Bridge Song (Veal ’n Gravy) Wake Me Up, Beef, Or You Go-Go Peggy Suet The First Cutlet’s the Deepest T-bone for Two Eye Fillet My Way Love Me Tenderloin Old Lamb Sign This Lamb is My Lamb Muttons and Beaux If I Could Pork With the Animals I Can Fillet, Coming in the Air Montego Bacon The Lard Waltz Silverside is Painless Secondhand Roast Spanish Thighs I’m Gettin’ Marinated in the Mornin’ Cleaving on a Jetplane Take Meat to the Pilot Spare-ribbean Queen Liver Let Die There’s a New Kidney in Town Taste Another Little Piece of my Heart
Box Office Disasters
• Mission: Quite Tedious – set in Sydney, it was necessary to constantly explain the American idiom to local cast members • The Mattress Overloaded –of impenetrably complex design and overstuffed with high-tech filling, Cap’n Snooze can’t move a consignment of these white elephants • The Da Vinci Cod – the Old Master left behind something which is creating a rotten stench in the Catholic Church • Fish & Chips to Go at Tiffany’s – a singularly unromantic vision for a movie • The Diarrhea of Anne Frank – an unpleasant foray into the annals of Anne’s bowel history and the effects on already war- torn Amsterdam • Ex-Men – worst transsexual movie since African Nellie Queen • Parrots of the Carob Bean – marauding, carob-addicted birds terrorise a party of vegans • Pragmatic-Heart – instant capitulation of William Wallace leaves the remainder of movie somewhat lacking • Schindler’s Pissed – despondency in his failure to get a humorous list together (see prequel) drives a Jewish man to drink • Around the World in 80 Transit Lounges – the package holiday to hell • Top Gum – for fighter pilots bent on nicknaming each other, the chap with no upper teeth is a soft target • Good Will Humping – a predatory gigolo seduces dying spinsters, hoping to be remembered • Brokeback Mountin’ – flagrant homosexuality, vigorous to the point of spinal injury, is the dominant theme in this graphic fagfest
Topical Top 20
1. How do you Solve a Problem Like Korea? 2. Don’t Buy Out Banks Down in Ohio 3. Who Used to Be a Millionaire? 4. Where Have All the Assets Gone? 5. Freddie Mac the Knife 6. Take a Load Off Fannie Mae 7. (Trouble all over the countryside,)Ask the Lehmann Bros. 8. Sanjay Row Your Boat Ashore 9. If I’d a-Known You Was Comin’ I’d a-Baked a Curry 10. It’s Beginnin’ to Look a Lot Like Christmas Island’s Full 11. Worrisome, Worrisome Copenhagen 12. The Clean Green Gas For Homes 13. Green Grow the Industries-oh 14. You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Sustainability 15. O Solar Mio (trans: I’ve Gone Solar) 16. Leaving On a Jetplane (Minus my Nailfile) 17. Leaving (No Survivors) On a Jetplane 18. What’s It All About, Al Qaida? 19. Obama Black Sheep, Have You Made Your Will? 20. Kevin Must Be There (well he’s just got to be there)
Pathetic Pantheon
Ineptune – patron of marine mishaps
Apallo – presides over poor taste
Meduser – bringer of prescription pharmaceuticals
Fortuna – advocate of sushi diets
Ceres – creator of long-running cop shows, sit coms, etc.
‘Atless – enemy of headwear
Add-onis – package deal king
Venous – goddess of blood transfusions
Smirkules – liberator of the suppressed giggle
Bad Bacchus – bringer of light duties
5 Things to Do While on Hold With Centrelink
1. Circumnavigate globe, riding sloth. 2. Complete a degree, then enjoy long career and retirement. 3. Plant acorns, then sell seasoned timber. 4. Ride glacier from mountains to sea. 5. Rehearse stinging reaction to such shabby treatment, experience profound despair, then back off into a defeated, grateful manner.
The Powers of Supernumerary Man and Boy Superfluous
• Invisible to the busy and important alike • Able to provide more than enough help after it’s arrived • Fully expendable in any situation • Can transform instantly into a third wheel • Able to stand still in corner while others dance • Not a lot else
A Practical Guide to NSW Road Signage
The speed which, if not greatly exceeded, will incite road rage in the cars behind you. See also 40, 50, 60, 70, 90, 100 and 110.
Smart technology allows this one to pop up when it detects a line of angry motorists running late in overheating cars.
Road swerves right, into abrupt, angular cul de sac. Try 95 kph.
And small wonder, with all the traffic. Don’t tangle with these ones, they’re much less cross away from the highway.
You have 200m to overtake before the slow guy in front goes supersonic.
Be as creative as you like, there’s no rules here!
Not obligatory, but would help towies in next town.
Relax, there’s none around here.
It’s right here, and if you’re still speeding after seeing 2 warnings it was here, say ‘cheese’ you dummy.
Limited to only small sections of road, the serious road rager need wait only seconds before being unsafe again.
Do NOT let the losers in the left lane merge. They made their choice way back, and will just have to park.
Take eyes off road to read entire sign, look at clock, back to sign, wonder whether it’s a school day, look at speedo, brake to 40, missing the ‘End School Zone’ sign.
Immediately check mirror to see if anyone caught you not knowing you were in a school zone.
Allows going straight ahead through red light by faking a left, followed by a screeching right u-turn, then hard left to your destination.
A warning to children, as the sign is sharp and pointy.
Bicycles and bicycle parts are strewn across and embedded in road. Swerve around these.
Keep hand on horn and shout extra loud at the people around here. This is where bad drivers live.
No matter how concussed and disoriented you are from falling rocks, you may not stop. Continue for indefinite period.
Own that double line. Remember that oncoming traffic is only going where you’ve already been, thus never has priority.
For those who might otherwise find stopping for an onrushing train, at a closed gate with flashing red lights, counter-intuitive.
A place to leave your caravan, trailer, etc., which you intend to tow away later.
So many pedestrians have been killed here, they’ve had to be buried in situ.
You presence has been detected by a traffic light ahead, which is accordingly turning red. Accelerate.
Women’s Weekly, circa King Henry VIII Front cover, article headlines
• When Hey-nonny-no meaneth Hey-nonny-yes • More head jobs at the Palace: all the who, when, where and how of the latest celeb executions • Fashion tips – weareth ye entirely the wrong rags? New sacking ideas • In the kitchen – light, darke; thinne, thikke: versatile gruel! • ‘How I raised 19 children as a widowed char-woman, and purged Papists in my spare time’ • Serfin’ Safari – our regular roundup of who hath been short-shrifting their tithe
G & S Go Aussie
H.M.S. Pinafore = H.M.A.S. Housecoat
The Gondoliers = The Prawn Trawlers
The Mikado = Chopper
Pirates of Penzance = Bum Burglars of Bondi
Ruddigore = K. Rudd Galore
Trial by Jury = Kangaroo Court
Necrophile Essentials Kit
• Shovel • Crowbar • Air freshener • Fly spray • Tenderising hammer • Lubricants • Pair of artificial eyeballs
Ideas Not Worth the Paper They’re Written On
1. Self-riding bicycle 2. Steam driven shaver 3. Solar powered night-vision goggles 4. Buildings to house wind turbines 5. Nuclear hot water systems 6. Braille keypads for drive-through ATMs 7. Robotic pig snouts for truffle finding
Alexi Con for Con Versational Greek 101
Convex – to annoy Greek Converse – Greek poetry Conspire – tall pointy Greek Conspiracy – Greek hoisting Jolly Roger Consequence – line of Greeks Conflagration – Greek cremation Confirm – aroused Greek Condone – Greek who paints childishly Concord – Greek umbilicus Contemplate – model Greek Confer – covering on Greek skin Conduct – why bullet missed Greek Convent – Greek for “he did go” Conformation – group of Greek parachutists See also Condescending, Air Con, etc Constrain – constipated Greek Contemptible – Greek dressed as sexy cow Configure – Greek mathematician Consort – Greek working in mailroom Congo Basin – Greek for “he bathes” Conversion – according to the Greek Confession – angling Greek Construe – Greek for “he is faithful” Concede – Greek sperm Consent – the odour of a Greek Conceited – sedentary Greek Concussed – why Greek swear jars are overflowing Concurred – Greek mauled by dogs Concoct – a satisfied Greek Conscripted – Greek soapy star Conscience – Greek geek Concurrent – fashionable Greek Contractor – vehicle for transporting large Greeks Contortion – crippled Greek Contort – Greek civil lawyer Control – Greek living under bridge Confusion – the usual end of a Greek party Console – Greek’s anus Consecrate – receptacle for Greek’s milk bottles
Ironic Restaurant Blackboard Menu Serving only meals with ironic content
• Baby lamb drowned then boiled in mother’s milk, served with napkins featuring printed score of “Sheep May Safely Graze” • Glazed venison, garnished with candy canes and tinsel • Dove eggs poached in Holy Water, or devilled • Dove, smoked over olive branches • Baked carrot, stuffed with minced rabbit • Fisherman’s Basket – overflowing with the ones that got away • Roast, kosher-fed pork • Bogong moth flambé • Hare and tortoise baked with thyme • Dolphin-safe porpoise meat • Home-cooked homing pigeon • Jerusalem artichoke stuffed with sauerkraut • Fish & Chips – Daintree River trout served on chipboard • Real Aussie Pie Floater – English pork pie awash in Asian sauces, served by Aboriginal • Pig Snouts stuffed with truffles • Christmas Surprise – named for the island, not the Holiday: bread & water • Sticky Date Pudding with liquorice and senna sauce
“Are you ready to order, Sir?” “Ironically, yes. You’ve just interrupted me complaining to my wife about the service.” “Then may I take your orders?” “My wife only likes chicken, but it’s not on the menu.” “Perhaps Sir has missed the point. Madame only likes chicken and it’s not on the menu.” “I see. Well, what about some salad?” “Excellent choice, very ironic.” “How so?” “We have a vegetable garden over Colonel Sanders’ grave.”
Addled Adages
A bird in the hand is worth two of a feather A case of “goiters interruptus" A penny saved is a penny for your thoughts A penny saved will look after itself A rolling stone gathers no nuts in May A stitch in time waits for no man A watched kettle never calls the pot black Achilles, heal thyself! Add another string to your boat All that glistens is not Golden Staph All the pigeons will come home to roast All's well that ends justify Already got one foot in the gravy train An abscess makes the heart grow fainter Another bird of a feather in his cap Be as supple as a reed between the lines Be free as a bird in a gilded cage Better a man should diet on his feet than eat liver on his knees Better late than never say die Better the devil, you know? Beware of Greeks baring all Bite the bull at a gate Blanc Mange is a dish best served cold Blind Freddy could have heard that coming Blood’s thicker than two short planks Born with a gilded lily in your mouth Burning midnight oil on the waters Burning the candle at both ends of the spectrum Cast your fait accompli to the wind Chastity begins at home Cold hands - warm them up Come hell or high noon Curiosity got the cat’s tongue Dangling like a sawed-off Damocles Don’t act on the sperm of the moment Don’t bite off more than you can choose Don’t look: a whore’s gift’s in the mouth Don’t lose the winch from your sails Don't burn your britches after you've cross-stitched them Don't count your blessings before they hatch Don't count your chickens before they've crossed the road Don't get mad, get even madder Don't put all your eggs under a bushel Don't stick your neck out on a limb Every cloud has a sulphur lining Every dog shall have its daydream Everything comes to he who hesitates Feet of clay leave stubborn stains Fur-warmed are forearms Give them enough rope and they'll take a mile God help those who help themselves Grasp the bull by the nettles Grasping at strawberries Great oaks from little peanuts grow He was right at the top of the scrotum pole Hoist with your own potato Home, home all deranged How the mighty have fallen arches I have a photogenic memory I was reduced two tiers If it ain't broke, ask it for money If the shoe was on the other foot, wear it If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say I didn't warn you In for a penny, infra dig It was a comedy of Eros It was a millipede around my neck It was the short straw which broke the camel’s back It's an ill wind that blows the man down It's like shooting the horse after the door's been bolted It's not over till the fat lady licks the platter clean Just a storm in a teatowel Keep your nose to the millstone and your shoulders around your neck Killing two birds when one’s stoned Let he who is without a glasshouse cast the first stone unturned Lets give him a taste of his own medication Like a cat with a hot tin of soup Like selling to Coles, Newcastle Live by the sward, get a ride-on Make haystacks while the needle shines Many hands make the lights work Monkey see, monkey do no evil Neither barrower nor a loader be Not for all the teacups and china Once bitten, apply ointment One bad apple never spoils far from the tree One good turn deserves the other cheek One swallowed a snot, as some her make Only the good dye the wool over your eyes Out of cider, out of mind Out of the frying pan, into the fireman Peace on Earth, and good luck to all contestants Pigs might fly in the ointment Pride cometh before priest in Websters Six of one, a baker’s dozen of the other Skating on the thin end of the wedge Something foul, is a foot Spare the lash, spoil the child porn Spare the rod, spoil the broth Still, waters run deep Stygian thyme saves nine That hit the screw right on the head That really barks me up the wrong tree That takes the cake and eats it too That was my water, Lou The early bird opens a can of worms The first know well the angels' dismay The pen is mightier than the pencil The road to hell is paved with good vibrations The squeaky will always get degrees The straw that broke the camel's heart The weak are a long time in politics There's more than one way to skin a cat amongst the pigeons There's snow on the roof, but fire is the devil's best friend Those who can, do those who can’t teach Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat themselves, if they do not learn from history Throwing in the gauntlet Throwing the baby out of the frying pan To bolt the door after the horse has locked it? To have a fellated ego To lock the door after the horse has bolted it? To throw cushions to the wind Too many hands cook spoiled broth Turn over a new leaf out of my book Uncomfortable as a shag on a rock Use a fine tooth-comb Walking on the corns of a dilemma Weigh carp and smell cirrhosis We're a slow and steady, winsome race What a tangled web we weave when first we practise what we preach What goes around peg in a square hole What goes around, comes around Peg? Where there’s a will there’s a wake Where there's smoke, there's mirrors With all of Rhodes and Leeds to roam You can lead a horse to water, but you can't get blood out of a rolling stone You can’t make silk burst from a sow’s rear You can't judge a book by it's colour You can't let sleeping dogs learn new tricks You can't look for gold in that silver of mine You catch more flies with zippers than with buttons You’ve made your bed, now you have to lie about it You've got to break a few legs to make an omelet
If Poets Were Mathematicians they may only have left us the following:
Things to Say When Someone Farts
• Your arsehole just called and left a threatening message. • Are you seeing a doctor about this mess? • Once more and it’s assault. • Sounds like the runway’s clear for a landing.
Songs of Cruelty
Wherever I Slay My Cat (that’s my home) Horse With No Mane (My) Curiosity Killed the Cat Twist and Shout Goodbye Yellow–Back Toad The Sound of Mulesing Slaughter House Rock The Ague of Aquariums (Vivi)Section, Drugs and Rock ‘n Roll Stranglers in the Night Have You Ever Seen the Pain? Put Another Dog on the Fire We Are Sealing I Shot the Sheriff’s Knees Agony and Ivory (Elephant poachers’ anthem) Like a Bat Out of Luck Drop the Piglet Hit the Toad, Jack (Let’s put it) On the Road Again Cull a Fawn You’re Reamin’ (All the leaves are brown…)
Politically Correct Reality TV
Too often are the otherly-abled overlooked in selection for so-called reality television shows. Here are some ideas which can get them a look-in to the world of showbiz, while at the same time providing the special kind of entertainment only they can bring.
Quadriplegic Master Chef Deaf Idol Autistic Big Brother Blind Survivor Tourette Bachelorette Morbidly Obese Wipeout Irritable Bowel Syndrome Wife Swap Dwarf Recruits Paranoid Schizophrenic Brat Camp Senile Cops So You Think You Can St. Vitas’ Dance Single Leg Amputee X Factor (re-dubbed Y Factor) Alzheimer’s Millionaire (Who wants to be a WHAT now?) Biggest Flatulent Loser Undercover Incontinent Boss World’s Strictest Hyperthyroid Parents
Pick The Odd One Out
Waterskiing Snowboarding Skateboarding Waterboarding Surfing Jetskiing
…………………..
Santa Tooth Fairy Jesus Easter Bunny Napoleon Godzilla
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Moslem Jew Idiot Christian Hindu Scientist
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Hammer Chisel Wrench Paul McDermott Saw Screwdriver Piano
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Edible cow parts Inedible cow parts A cowbell McFeast A field of cowpats Someone who once saw a cow His nephew
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Offended Aboriginals
When in a men’s toilet, should you chance upon some offended, homeless aboriginals with hereditary stomach aches, you may refer to them as:
Indignant indigenous indigents with endogenous indigestion in the gents’.
I do hope you get the opportunity.
Nursery Headlines
Rapunzel’s chemo leads to lover’s death plunge
Tom, piper’s son, named in bestiality suit
Black sheep quizzed on productivity – 3 bags cited in defence
Tuffet terror – petticoat soiled!
Glass odour eaters dangerous, ineffective – Cinderella
Van Winkle blames drugs, alcohol
Prince molests comatose beauty
Identity theft – wolf impersonates granny
Tortoise defeats hare, 8 hr victory lap
Chicken Little retracts statement, apologises, hangs self
Silkworms threatened – heavy fines for dancing ‘round mulberry bush
Nasal prosthesis denied. “She’s just the maid!” – Queen.
Tigger bemoans Pooh smell in toybox
Christopher Robin in closet, punches Pooh
My Dog’s Top TV Shows - What He Thinks They Are
Antics Roadshow - dog tricks
Bark & Hunt - adventure series
See Yes I’m, I Am Me - kindergarten show
Lawn Order - learning to pee outside
Homer No Way - more Simpsons
Mothbusters - extreme pest extermination
Bare Grills - survival by licking old BBQs
Sabrina Teenage Bitch - about a very old female dog
Bones - yet another gourmet show
More Failed Movies, Plays, etc.
• Bird Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – An epidemic is traced back to one family of diseased cuckoos. • Sirens of the Rams – Japanese reconstruction involving the use of rams’ horns as police sirens. • A Midsummer Night’s Wet Dream • The Fist and the Furryarse • Swine Lake – ballet meets women’s mud wrestling
Military Songs
You’re an M16, You’re Beautiful, and You’re Mine Yellow Submachine Blow the Man Down She Loves You, Affirmative, Affirmative, Affirmative Tanks for the Memories Jump in my Khaki
Kindergarten Quiz
Dear kiddies, this is a little test to see how well you are learning your lessons, and helps us see whether you need help in certain areas. Answer as many questions as you can before Mummy picks you up, and you will get 5 gold stars for each right answer. ON NO ACCOUNT are you to let Mummy see this test.
1. Rapunzel eventually let down her a) family and friends b) hair c) inhibitions d) ex-boyfriend’s tyres
2. What was attracted to Miss Muffet’s Tuffet? a) a playground pervert b) Miss Muffet’s bum c) a spider d) an irate Tuffet inspector
3. Estimate the probability of a cow jumping over the moon a) completely indeterminate, success would be invisible to observers b) low, but non-zero, since it may once have been witnessed by a dog c) exactly equal to that of a dish absconding itself with a spoon d) an absolute certainty, it is in Revelations
4. A combination of nimbleness and alacrity enabled Jack to jump over a) plague victims b) razor wire c) a candle stick d) fifty meters, to his death
5. How did the garden of Mary (not the virgin, the contrary one) grow? a) she fertilised it from her cesspit (vigorous but toxic) b) very poorly in patches where her boyfriend would urinate c) under camouflage netting with booby traps and cameras c) with silver bells, cockle shells and maids
6. Mary (again no, think fleece) had a little a) dalliance with Miss Muffet b) trouble with personal freshness c) lamb d) money put aside from slaughtering sheep
7. Little Tommy Tucker did what for his supper? a) cannibalised his parents b) made reservations at The Ritz c) raided Old MacDonald’s Farm d) sang
8. The sheep’s in the meadow, the cow’s in a) fected with BSE b) lunar orbit c) the corn d) continent
9. Tom, Tom the piper’s son, stole a pig a) and was duly hanged b) for indecent purposes c) and away did run d) and returned it with two legs missing
10. Georgie Porgie kissed the girls and made them a) cry b) do unspeakable things c) co-proprietors in his burden of herpes d) all of the above
11. Hansel and Gretel were lost in a) love b) the woods c) terms of moral rectitude d) a game of poker by their parents
12. Pussycat, Pussycat, where a) fore art thou Pussycat? b) have you been? c) do you get off with that smug look? d) have you hidden that dead mouse?
13. There was an old lady who lived in a a) sneaker b) thong c) stylish back-strap stiletto d) shoe
14. Little Jack Horner would today be diagnosed with a) autistic spectrum disorder b) narcissism c) compulsive eating disorder d) all of the above and more
15. Sleeping Beauty was awakened by a) a kiss b) a 12 Volt 900 Amp jump starter c) the sound of soil hitting a coffin lid d) her own stench
16. Why did Old Mother Hubbard go to the cupboard? a) to get her poor doggie out b) heard the phone ring, thought it was the door c) for a bone d) Spring cleaning
17. Where would you look to find blood-lusting, bone-grinding giants? a) up beanstalks b) the AFL c) any un-Australian country d) all of the above
18. Putting babies in cradles high in the treetops is a) never ok b) harmless on calm days c) normal in un-Australian countries d) an amusing pastime
19. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum resolved to have a a) magistrate decide a property settlement b) pair of interchangeable rattles to share c) coming out party d) battle
20. When Humpty fell, he a) died at the scene despite all efforts b) rose again on the third day c) bounced because he was a snake egg d) hatched
21. The Billy Goats Gruff were warned not to cross a) the trolls’ bridge b) dress c) their eyes d) breed with sheep
Important Characters I Learned About in Church
Glad Lee, my cross-eyed bear The quiet water spy The three-wise men Airedale He bred The warthogs of Babylon The crews of fiction Gay Briel and Evan Lee Kwyers Adder Maneve The newt: Estament The ho: ‘Lea Spirit’ The 4 whores’ men of the poxy lips Dour Tingthomas Eccles Iastes The axe of the apostles Eye Sack Eeeee Saw Eel-eye Almighty Cod Benny Diction The good Sir Maritan John the Pap Test
How Times Have Changed
Yesteryear Nowadays Beachcomber Glaucoma Intercontinental travel Incontinent, won’t travel Daring adventures Varying dentures Fearing AIDS Hearing aids Binge all night Bingo night High times High pants Rocking out Rocking chair Room at the top Rheumatism At home In a home Friends to wine & dine 2 friends whine & die Deep sea fishing Deep, sore fissures Dry wit Dry skin Agile Fragile Battling the Nazis Battering the nurses Heartbreaker Heart condition A real man’s man A real man’s grandad You’re grounded You’re Grandad
Generic Breakfast Cereals
Frugal Flakes Povo Pops Refection Rings Loser Loops Beggar Bix Measly Muesli
Failed Product Lines
Dr. Scholl’s Hand Relief Gloves Bee-Jay Mouthwash H.I.V. Airde’s Transmission Systems Mother McGinty’s Yeast S. & M. Gere Party Hire Pru Rittick Lingerie Fun Gal Panty Liners “Fiddlers Three” Daycare Centres D.K. Carey’s Confectionery
Failed Novels
The Old Man and the See-Saw Stranger with a Strange Gland Mopey Dick Lady Chatterly's Loofah Lord of the Rinks The Brother's Caravan War and Peashooters For Whom the Bridge Tolls? Sons and Loafers A Farewell to Underarms Finnegan's Wok Allah Recherche du Temps Retardes The Pitcher of Dorian Gray The Codger in the Rye A Tale of Two Settees
Dog Songs
Arrivederci Rover It’s a Great Dane for the Irish Terriers in Heaven Jumpin’ Jack Russel Basset Duchy ‘Pon De Left Hand Side Pekinese Up Mother Brown Whippet Good! Beagle Rock Airedale on a G String Rex ‘n Drugs ‘n Rock ‘n Roll Spaniel Eyes When Irish Wolfhounds are Smiling Take a Litter, Maria Boney Maroney I Lick It Like That Up Pup and Away (It’s fun to stay at the) R.S.P.C.A. You Can Call Me Alsatian Chihuahua My Sunshine The Boxer Little Brown Pug The Hound of Music Donald Where’s Your Schnauzers? Peggy Shiatsu Maltese For The Tillerman Three Collies in the Fountain
Annoying Addresses
[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] www.haveA/urinals.com Lifeline.org/wrists
Alternate Meanings
Scrutiny – raping the ship’s captain Mosquitoes – foot disease contracted after removing shoes in mosque Rupee – marsupial urine Apollo – an Italian hen Diachronic – perpetually loose bowels Irony – ferrous Rustic – of oxidised irony Owlet – small cry of pain Exhume – to drain joke of humour by explaining it Discriminate – adopt the wearing of 2 scrim cloths Hallucination – country with unreal self illusion Influential – quality of the rhinovirus carrier Impresario – dry cleaner Describe – to erase what one has written Genuine – of the knee Xenophobia – fear of warrior princesses Decamp – to tone it down in public Recapitulate – to reattach severed head Dialectic – beeping language used by phones Microtome – “War and Peace” nano-etched on pinhead Bronchitis – rodeo rider’s equivalent of punch-drunk Deliquescent – found only in delicatessens Idiosyncrasy – falling into step with slowest thinker Confetti – sins trivial enough to tell a priest Delivery – hepatic excision Ingot – gatecrasher Bullion – alpha male in pride of lions Speleology – oratory studies Triage – fugue for triangles Disgusted – becalmed Flatulence – high-rise suburban sprawl Midwifery – turbulent period between being future- and ex-wife Antacid – HCO2H, methanoic (formic) acid Charity – state of overcooked BBQ offerings Psychokinetic – from a crazy family Telegraph – TV ratings chart Nuance – the nuisance of typewriter mechanisms Homology – study of residential architecture Epicycle – shaking, convulsive period in washing machine routine Odometer – gauge used in deodorant research Equivocator – horse whisperer Emergency – birth Retaliate – send back to Italy Purview – habit of Peeping Tom Depend – remove the hanged from scaffold Prosthesis – whore’s account of her service to society Octopus – cat in its second-last life Lavatory – volcano Ergotism – obvious consequence Entitled – breast fed Cryogenic – tear-jerking Discussion – throwing tournament Missive – off-target Missile – prone to be missive Encumber – to put cucumber in, e.g., a salad Disturbance – final undressing ritual for Moslem man Mollify – to change woman’s appearance to suit biker Garnishee – decorated missionary at end of mission Animals – (literally) bad-asses Irate – in imitation of Irish style Triplet – short journey Homage – male populace Colonnade – effervescent enema fluid Mandate – gentlemen’s portal for colonnade Taxonomy – creative naming of levees to avoid sounding like taxes Taxidermy – chronic beaded seat-cover impressions on cabbies’ skin Gonads – obituaries Sumptuous – oily Transmogrify – to swap cats Sphincter – ancient Egyptian monument builder Yawl – an Appalachian ewe Granular – affecting grandmotherly style
A Useful Expansion of ‘Frump’ Now with usage examples and illustrative sentences
Frumpery: collective activities, attitudes, appearances, etc. of f. She surrendered to unbridled frumpery in her later years.
Frumptitude : quality etc. of the f. There was no question as to her frumptitude.
Frumptitudinous/Frumpesque : descriptive of f.ery (q.v.). Her frumptitudinous visage hinted at a deeper frumpesquery within.
Frumpule/Frumplet : infant f. She moved through Frozen Foods with a litter of frumpules in her wake.
Frumpulation/Frumpifaction : genesis of f. The frumpifaction was complete; what hat been frumpulating for so long could not be defrumpulated in a single salon visit.
Confrumpulation : moderate gathering of f.s There was a large confrumpulation at the C.W.A. meeting.
Frumpless : without f. (c.f. epifrumpal) When she died, he had mixed feelings about his frumplessness.
Frumpfest/Frumporama/Mondo Frump : exhibitionist confrumpulation (q.v.). He hoped for better luck as he swung open the doors of Mondo Frump.
Frumpiform : of f. proportions. Her figure was at best frumpiform.
Frumpic/Frumpile : of or pertaining to f.s. She was adept in all matters frumpic; her trackie habiliment was utterly frumpile.
Frumpophile/Frumpiphobe : lover/hater of the f. Leaving the frumpiphobic city, she felt assured of finding a needy frumpophile.
Frumpicide: deliberate termination of f. “He was experiencing intense frumpicidal impulses” (from Frumpelstiltskin, Frump Slayer).
Frumpsis : f. etiology The order of development is: prefrumpal, penfrumpal, neofrumpal, metafrumpal, archefrumpal, teleofrumpal.
Subfrumpal, etc. : degrees of f.titude (q.v.). Degrees of frumptitude proceed as hypofrumpal, subfrumpal, orthofrumpal, superfrumpal, hyperfrumpal.
Epifrumpal : without circle of f.s. (c.f. frumpless) Unable to gain acceptance to the group, the covergirl remained epifrumpal.
Perifrumpal : around f.s. She was the product of a perifrumpal upbringing.
Parafrumpal : of f.-allied trades and accoutrements. His tracksuit empire dominated the parafrumpal trade.
Isofrumpal/Heterofrumpal : of f.al homogeneity within subtype (c.f. polyfrumpal). A confrumpulation is most stable when its members are isofrumpal.
Frumpé : done in by f(s). The mayor left the meeting feeling absolutely frumpé.
Dysfrumpsia : condition of disagreeable f. (chronic, acute, in extremis Galloping D). A nasty, dysfrumptic shopper bustled by.
Eufrumpsia : condition of agreeably disposed f. A jolly, eufrumptic old biddy greeted us.
Rhodophysiognodysfrumpsia : (pedantic usage) more commonly Rhododysfrumpsia or RDF, red-faced ill-tempered f.titude. She exhibits in her rage an unmistakeable rhododysfrumpsia.
Frumplexia : talking like f. Also frumpilalia (archaic). Early onset of frumpery is often heralded by bouts of frumplexia.
Frumpophrenia : f.-mindedness. Physical frumpiformity is always accompanied by frumpophrenia.
Frumpaceous : broadly of the f. kind. If not frumpile per se, she is at least frumpaceous.
Frumpiferous : f.-bearing. (Non-frumpiferous: can’t bear the f.) She was nothing if not frumpiferous, with 13 frumpules in tow.
Frumpicalypsis : being hatted like f. Frumpicalyptic millinery has as its cornerstone the beanie.
Parthenofrumpsis : virginity sustained through abject f.titude. It was not virtue, but simple parthenofrumpsis.
Frumpism : 1. expression, verbal or other, characteristic of the f. Through her volley of ‘Darls’ and ‘Luvs’ one could see the neckless little thing’s low fringe move not a jot, the most eloquent of her frumpisms.
Frumpism : 2. adverse discrimination based on perceived f.titude (q.v.). His thinly veiled frumpist remarks fell on cauliflower ears.
Frumpophone : one who may sound like f. without technically being f. As a result of her perifrumpal childhood, the tragic beauty was a complete frumpophone.
DNF : deoxyribosenucleicfrumpate, aberrant DNA resulting in f.titude (q.v.). The modern groom now uses DNF screening in bride selection.
Frumpology : an astonishingly non-extant field of study. So we took her to the big smoke to see the frumpologist, only to find we’d been cruelly tricked.
Frumposcope : shop window, esp. haberdashery, Manchester. Leaning up from her counter, she glanced through the frumposcope and noticed she was still being watched.
Refrumpsis : relapse of f.titude (q.v.) after apparent rehabilitation. The refrumpsis was as rapid and complete as it was inevitable.
Retrofrumpsis : progressive defrumpulation (q.v.), usually tentative, impermanent. After the divorce, she underwent some measure of retrofrumpsis, but this was by no means a defrumpifaction of the troll.
Enterofrumpsis : of houses etc., occupation by f. The dwelling was obviously enterofrumptic, as evinced by its backyard Hills Hoistery.
Endofrumpsis : theory of ‘the f. within’, based largely on xenofrumptic (q.v.) observation. Proponents of endofrumpsis hold that frumptitude is a latent, endogenous and universal quality.
Frumpometrics : coordinate systems for quantifying/evaluating f.titude (q.v.). Analysis of her frumpometric matrix revealed a dire topology.
Frumpage : a distributed quantity and quality of f.s. The whole frumpage metric had to be recalibrated for the unfortunate district.
Frumpenalia : parafrumpal (q.v.) accessories, collectables, etc. He threw her curlers, needlework, rolling pin and all other frumpenalia in the bin.
Frumpinominal : having frumpophonic (q.v.) name without (necessarily) being f.ile. Despite the severe frumpinominal impediment, Gretchen had secured a blind date.
Holofrumpsis : thorough-going f.-based philosophy popular with vegans, dykes, etc. She embraced her frumptitude with zeal characteristic of political holofrumpsis.
Frumpotomy : surgical lesion used to abate rampant f.titude (q.v.). The frumpotome had not been repaired since her last admission.
Xenofrump : f. from foreign land. Xenofrumpal comparisons attest to the global ubiquity of the phenotype.
Acrofrumpsia : vertically exaggerated f.iformity (q.v.). Acrofrumpsia came into its own on the netball court.
Pachyfrumpsia : frumpiformity (q.v.) of tremendous girth or thickness. The pachyfrump’s low centre of gravity descends even further with age.
Leptofrumpal : of thin, angular f.titude. Your classic leptofrump is epitomised in Popeye’s Olive Oyl.
Platyfrumpal : completely flat-chested f.titude. The leptofrump will usually remain platyfrumpal, even in adulthood.
Maculofrumpsia : general spotted f. disorder; blotchy f., pimply f., etc. The typical maculofrump will dismiss manifestations as isolated disorders such as acne.
Frumpkrieg : stratagem of women’s action groups employing aggressive f.ery. The minister slumped on the steps of Parliament, ashen and trembling in the aftermath of Frumpkrieg.
Hypnofrumpsia ; f.titude manifest (only) when subject somnolent. It was Jekyll and Hyde: by day she was a regular gal, by night a mud-packed snoring hypnofrump.
Transfrumpal ; undergoing brief, non-terminal periods of f.titude. There were regular transfrumpal episodes in her cycle.
Megafrumpal, etc : magnitude of f.al populations. Whilst Eastern Europe has been megafrumpal for decades, China is set to go gigafrumpal this century.
Polyfrumpal : of populations, comprising more than 1 f.al type (c.f. hetero/iso) The district was polyfrumpal, with few subtypes unrepresented.
Pollyfrumpal : of parrots, exhibiting f.titude. After the cracker incident, the vet said she was pollyfrumpal, so we had her put down.
Frumpipilia : f.titude of the hair, eg dull, mousy, greasy, low-fringeal. Her grim, thick-set features were framed with an unpleasant frumpipilia.
Frumpisvartipundra : mistakenly identifying the Buddha as an enormous eufrump (q.v.) in curlers. Punishment for frumpisvartipundra was as severe as it was frequent.
Thoughts on The Vacuum
1. If Nature abhors a vacuum, this amounts to self loathing on a cosmic scale.
2. Has she tried the bagless type?
3. Why doesn’t space suck everything in?
4. It is impossible to make a vacuum cleaner.