SILLY LISTS By Hans Niesenbaum Sidesi © 2015, Nookage Publishing A volume for Susan, without whose sick humour I would never have dared think this at all funny. Hans Anatomical Artists Urethra Franklin Lynyrd Skin Hard Manhattan Transplant Clit Richards Geriatric & the Pacemakers The Captain & Toenail Shin Aid O’Connor Pelvis Presley Thigh-man & Garfunkle Otitis Redding Celine Duodenum Callus Zamfir (pancreas pipes) Roberta Flap Cilia Black Carly’s Hymen Cataract Stevens Christine Anus New Kidneys on the Block In Neck Ces Englebert Hump The Rolling Gallstones Elbow John Little Liver Band Whit Knee Houston Belly Joel Bone Jovi Bet Midriff Patella Clark Jimi Cervix Reg Liver More Crowded Arse James Gallbladder Deltoid Goodrem Fleetwood Sack Paul Ankle Manfred’s Manhood Her Mons Hermits Harry Caecum Terrorists of the Animal Kingdom Attila the Honeybee Vlad the Impala Osama Bunny Laden Dick Terrapin Long John Silverback Lee Harvey Walrus Adolphin Hitler Nelson Mandrilla Jack the Russel Froggy Kreuger Alexander the Great Bearded Tit Sweeney Todd the Barbary Ape Cone Shell the Barbarian Jaguar-varra Fiddlercrab Castro Assorted Hourly Chimes 1. Hippie “Hey, you wouldn’t believe it’s ten, eh!” 2. Nazi “Anyvone who disagrees it is ten o’clock, step forvard!” 3. Yiddish “Ten o’clock, it is, and still your neglected mother sits waiting for her call.” 4. Existentialist “One could postulate now’s ten-o’clockness, but the moment has passed.” 5. Quantum-Relativistic “Either it’s approximately ten o’clock and we’re exactly here, or it’s exactly ten o’clock and we’re only approximately here.” 6. Socialist “The decadent hour of nine has been overthrown; hail ten o’clock!” 7. Capitalist “All statements relating to the hour of nine as a going concern are now void.” 8. Aussie “Yeh, no it’s ten, mate, but 9:30’s a bit of an underdog, we should give ‘im another go I reckon.” 9. Kiwi “Tin o’clock, bro’, heaps of time.” 10. Christian “Ten o’clock, and any minute now.” 11. Moslem “It is ten o’clock, 1400 years ago.” 12. Freudian “It is tiny o’cock. No, you imagined I said that.” 13. Royal “Have one of the maids tell you it’s ten o’clock.” 14. American “It’s ten o’clock all over the world.” Bird Songs To Everything, Tern, Tern, Tern When the Starlings Begin to Fall Drag the Magic Puffin Magpie’s Farm If I Should Ever Emu I’ll Be Your Booby Tonight God Bless the Prince of Quails Kingfisher of Nothing Buddy, Can You Sparrow a Dime? A Touch of Parrot Eyes Silence is Golden (Finch) Hawk Come, All Ye Faithful Dove is In The Air The Gull From Ipanema You Ain’t Seen Puffin Yet This Ol’ Grouse He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Plover Cockatiels for Toucan You Took the Words Right Out of my Tawny Frogmouth Pea-hen the Beguine Bridge Over Troubled Waterfowl Send In the Loons Bad Loon Rising Shag, Rattle and Roll Lark Lomond Once, Bittern Twice Shy ...and anything else played in a mynor key. Dr. Zeus’ Medical Files Thor – electrocution Neptune – swimmer’s ear Cyclops – problems with depth perception Achilles – heel trouble Medusa – snake bite Oedipus – genitalia removed in family row Centaur – foot rot, bloat Colossus – glandular/hormonal Phoenix – burns Gorgon Lady – complications following facelift Pan – R.S.I. in fingers Terpsichore – mania, hyperkinesis Dionysus – alcoholic poisoning Cupid – archer’s elbow Pygmalion – severe psychotic break, genital abrasions Midas – heavy metal poisoning Odysseus – travel sickness Ceres – uterine trauma (misuse of cornucopia) Pandora – chest congestion Minotaur – anger management issues Icarus – inadequate sun protection Famous Quotes: Their First Drafts . One small step for a man, but bloody hard in this spacesuit! . I came, I saw, I played conkers. Ah have a DREAM, a RECURRIN’ dream, ‘bout gettin SHOT! . I am the way, the truth, and the light snack at Communion. We will fight them on the beaches, on the sand dunes, in the little rock pools... A horse! A horse! I could eat a fuckin’ horse! . ‘All men are created’ equals nonsense. Beam me up, I need a cuddle, Scotty! . Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what the whole world can do for you. I did but see her passing by, but I cracked a fat a mile high. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ask who let out Quasi Modo. Poorly Worded Marriage Proposals 1. My darling, I cannot imagine my life without you; help my lack of imagination and marry me! 2. Please do not condemn to bastardry all my offspring I would have you bear: marry me sweetheart! 3. You know no-one else could love you – be my wife! 4. Darling, your answer to this question will greatly influence how you feature in my autobiography… 5. I would be willing to settle for you, to give you an opportunity to marry upward, and I take your silence as grateful acceptance. 6. Would you do me the honour of allowing me to make you the most grateful woman in the world? 7. I would like to ask for your hand, with the housework, and in marriage. Fish Songs (for coral arrangement) Curiosity Killed the Catfish School’s Out For Summer Another Pleasant Trevally Sunday Winkle Winkle Little Starfish Love Poisson Number Nine Unchained Mulloway I Don’t Know How to Love Bream I Want to Weigh Carp With You Mackerel the Knife I’m Dreaming of a Whiting Christmas Barramundi Monday Goldfingerling Wild, Wild Seahorses Heart and Sole Genie with the Light Brown Herring My Guppy Runneth Over You Are the Sunfish of my Life Starfish-Crossed Lovers Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat The Green, Green Wrasse of Home Tie a Yellowfin Tuna ‘Round the Old Oak Tree Sexual Eeling Avé Marinara If I Had a Haddock The Moray See You, Remora Want You Leader of the Pike Little Ray of Sunshine Mullet of Kintyre The Hippie Hippie Sharks Somewhere Over the Rainbow Trout This is Not a Guppy, Love You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lou Seal Puff the Weedy Sea-Dragon Where Have All the Flounders Gone? The Tides They Are a-Changing Blenny And The Jets That’s a Moray Groper Cabana Insect Songs 1. Dreadlock Holiday (I don’t like crickets, ah...) 2. Teach Me How To, Fly 3. Let It, Bee 4. (Are you going to) Scarab Affair 5. The National Antem 6. My Angel Is a Centipede 7. This Ol’ Louse 8. Arkansas Grasshopper 9. Dream Larva 10. I Can’t Go For Gnat Insults From Around The World • May a herd of gnus poo in your shoes. – South Africa • How few are your household’s swine! – New Guinea • Your sampan is full of idiots. – Thailand • Your wife’s neck length is insufficient for using both hands. – Congo • Your wife has gone the way of the walrus. – Eskimo • Your clogs smell like a French cheese. – Holland • Your cheese smells like a Dutch clog. – France • Capitalist pig! – U.S.A. • Backward socialist! - Russia • Your mother’s lower lip barely covers her chin. - Kenya Monster Country Hits • Don’t Forget to Dismember Me • Like a Ninety Stone Cowbow • Eyeballs in the Stream • She’ll Be Crushin’ Down the Mountain • Hello Country Bunyip • Godzilla in the Straw • Swing Low, Sweet Knuckles • Old MacDonald Had a Dungeon • Oh My Darlin’ King Kong • Behind Closed Jaws Jesus: The Lost Years A.D. 16 – Cashes in his gold, frankincense and myrrh for imported sports-camel. A.D. 17 – Barefoot surfing in Africa. A.D. 18 – Effortless ascent to summit of Everest; make base camp there. Summer of A.D. 19 – Galilee Beach: turning tricks in fishnets. A.D. 20 – Forms rock band ‘The Scarabs’. A.D. 21 – Meets Mary Magdalene (q.v. ‘the first Yoko’); Scarabs descend into self-indulgent Gospel band. A.D. 22 – Opens shoe repair kiosk in Jerusalem, becomes famous for everlasting soles. A.D. 23 – Starts healing lame behind kiosk, quickly doubles his trade. A.D. 24 – Invests entire kiosk fortune in 25,000 barrels of water. A.D. 25 – Makes a killing selling 25,000 barrels of wine. A.D. 26 – Opens fish cafe with seating for multitudes, successful beyond belief. A.D. 27 – Cafe closed by Health Dept. when discovered fish of uncertain origin. A.D. 28 – Flees to freaked out cousin J.T. Baptist in mountains (“I came for the fresh air, I stay for the locusts”). A.D. 29 – Whacky J.T. helps Jesus re-invent himself, and a plan is sketched out for the next four years. How that turned out is well known. Odd Rellies • Uncle Uttered – neat freak • Aunty Diluvian – very old fashioned • Aunty Climax – always forgets the punchline • Uncle Ian – leper • Uncle Oathed – nudist • Uncle Ad – ditto • Aunty Pasta – hard and snappy at first • Uncle Ear – rather vague • Uncle Eaved – the only butcher with 10 fingers • Uncle Enched – quadriplegic • Gran Mal – epileptic • Granpa Raid – Mardi Gras queen • Granny Smith – full of worms • Uncle Aimed – rides the baggage carousel at airports • Aunty Up – card shark • Gran Ted – who they all feel taken for • Uncle Ass-Conscious – boasts of once having said “hello” to maid • Aunty Pathy – never a nice word to say about anyone • Aunty Disestablishmentarianism – verbose • Aunty Lockbrakingsystem – tries to avoid leaving skidmarks • Aunty Natal – always the midwife, never the wife • Aunty Abortionlobby – dogmatic, fails to see the bigger picture • Uncle Oystered – outed monk • Uncle Ipped – has never trimmed his nails • Uncle Apsed – has permanent erection • Gran Ules – fell into coffee grinder People Who Only Made History After Changing Their Names Fred Christ Bluey the Baptist Doug da Vinci Dudley Caesar Rambo Schweitzer Fritz the Hun Dicky Bonaparte Billy-Joe Einstein Cheryl of Bingen Narelle of Arc Noel the Conqueror Ricky Raleigh Cletus Columbus Richard Coeur de Lemming Operas, Ballets & Musicals Which Never Made It Swandiving in Lake – the story of one man’s quest to find quadriplegia The Battered Bride – a wedding where everything goes wrong Porking and Bestiality – a touching portrait of rural life in America H.M.S.