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The Kingpin of Crackton by Jesse Crall ACT ONE FADE IN: INT

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The Kingpin of Crackton by Jesse Crall ACT ONE FADE IN: INT The Kingpin of Crackton by Jesse Crall ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING SCENE 1 The entire SIMPSON FAMILY gather around BART, on the COUCH and surrounded by OPENED PRESENTS. A BANNER above his head reads “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” HOMER Well Bart, I promised if you got a C minus in any class I’d get you something special for your birthday. So here you go. BART Thank you gym class. Homer hands him a large box which Bart eagerly tears open. He pulls out a BLACK LEATHER JACKET. BART (CONT’D) Whoa! HOMER So what do you think, boy? Bart looks at his father BUG-EYED and speechless. MARGE Gee Homer, what did you pay for that? Homer tugs his collar. HOMER Uh, it fell off the back of a truck. BART Really? That’s convenient. Lisa looks inside the box and pulls out a RECEIPT. 2. LISA No it didn’t. It says right here, $632 dollars and 71 cents. Marge palms her face and shakes her head. HOMER Don’t worry Marge. I got it a size big so he can wear it forever. BART I love you Dad. LISA How come I never got anything this nice for my birthday? HOMER Because YOU don’t believe in animal cruelty. Lisa groans while Bart puts the jacket on and primps proudly. EXT. SCHOOLYARD - NEXT DAY SCENE 2 Bart, wearing jeans and the leather jacket, struts through the playground. SHERRI and TERRI swoon while JIMBO stops punching MARTIN in the stomach long enough to admire Bart. Bart stops in from of MILHOUSE, LOUIS, and NELSON. BART Well boys, what do you think? MILHOUSE Wow, Bart. You dress like my dad did before I was born! NELSON Normally I’d pound you for wearing something I can’t afford, but in this case, I have to tip my cap. A STUDENT wearing an ISOTOPES hat walks by and Nelson smacks it off his head, puts it on, and tips it at Bart. SCENE 2 3. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Homer gets ready to leave for work while Marge follows him out. MARGE Homer, I’m happy you gave Bart such a nice present, but I’m still concerned about the money. HOMER Don’t worry, Marge. By the time I finish work today we’ll be 93 dollars richer. Marge GRUMBLES. SCENE 3 INT. MR. BURNS’ OFFICE - LATER MR. BURNS sits at his desk while SMITHERS stands by his side with a NEWSPAPER. SMITHERS Uh, Mr. Burns, we have a major problem. MR. BURNS Don’t bother me with problems before my office has been properly humidified. In the corner, a small HUMIDIFIER groans away. A tiny bead of sweat forms on Mr. Burns forehead. Mr. Smithers sweats profusely. MR. BURNS (CONT’D) There. Now what is it, Smithers? Smithers holds up the newspaper. SMITHERS Well, fewer Americans trust nuclear power. I think we may lose some customers soon. 4. MR. BURNS Hmmm. Only one thing to do then. SCENE 4 EXT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - LATER All the PLANT WORKERS gather outside below Mr. Burns’ office window. Mr. Burns steps out with a BULLHORN. MR. BURNS Due to an irrational fear of nuclear meltdown, this plant will have to undergo massive layoffs to stay afloat. Focus on Homer. HOMER Uh-oh. MR. BURNS However, I promise no one who’s been with the plant longer than ten years will be let go. HOMER Phew. MR. BURNS Unless of course they’re lazy, incompetent, or have shown recent signs of substance abuse. HOMER D’oh! SCENE 5 EXT. SPRINGFIELD - SAME DAY Bart rides his SKATEBOARD through Springfield. Of course, he’s wearing the jacket and PEDESTRIANS look at him with awe as he skates by. As Bart skates past Moe’s Tavern, MOE steps outside to toss a RAT out. He sees Bart go by. 5. MOE Huh. Maybe if I had a leather jacket I’d have better luck with the ladies. The rat looks up at Moe and shakes its head. Moe slumps his shoulders depressively. SCENE 6 EXT. CRACKTON - LATER Lost in his thoughts, Bart ends up in CRACKTON, Springfield’s SKID ROW. The only thriving store has a sign reading “NEEDLE EXCHANGE.” He looks around at the BOARDED-UP BUILDINGS and BUMS, gets nervous, and loses his footing. He rolls down an embankment and the jacket falls off as he does. REGGIE, a hustler, runs over and takes Bart’s jacket. BART Hey, that’s mine! Bart stands up and wipes some of the dirt from his bare arms. Reggie puts the jacket on. It’s small and looks foolish on him. REGGIE Are you wearing it? BART Well, no. REGGIE Am I wearing it? BART Yeah, but-- REGGIE --But what? He leans forward menacingly. As he does, the sun seems to go down and various derelicts begin to stir around Bart. BART Ahhh! 6. He runs up the embankment, grabs his skateboard, and skates away as fast as he can. SCENE 7 INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER Homer sits at the kitchen table. Four DUFFS are scattered in front of him and he sucks down another. Marge comes in to the kitchen. MARGE Homer, I knew buying Bart that jacket was a bad idea. We really could have used the money. HOMER Oh, thank you Marge for your BRILLIANT input. I’m so happy you said no to that big-city reporting job and stayed here. I’m so-- MARGE Oh, Homer, knock it off. HOMER Yes, Marge. Homer gets up and leaves the kitchen. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Homer slumps on the couch as Bart walks in. HOMER Hey Bart, where’s the jacket? BART A guy in Crackton stole it. Homer stands up and takes Bart by the shoulders. HOMER Bart, if you have a drug problem I can help you out. Please let me help you out. Why won’t you let me help you out! He starts shaking Bart. 7. BART Stop it dad! I don’t have a drug problem. Homer lets go. HOMER Oh, thank God. He grabs the Duff and chugs it down. BART You’re not mad? HOMER Well, I am five beers in. I’ll probably feel different in the morning. But we can’t let your mother know it was stolen. BART Why not? Homer sits down on the couch and pats a spot next to him where Bart sits. HOMER Son, when you get married you’ll figure out that sometimes, women like to get on your case about ridiculous things. Your drinking, your weight, your suspended driver’s liscence... BART Figures. HOMER But nothing makes them nag you more than throwing money down the drain. BART So what are we gonna do, dad? HOMER I’ll get the jacket back for you. BART Really? Thanks! But the guy who took it looked pretty tough. HOMER Not to worry, boy. 8. Homer drains the rest of his Duff. HOMER (CONT’D) Now if he slugs me your old man won’t feel a thing. BART Wow. HOMER But how do I know who’s the right guy? BART Well, he’s probably wearing my jacket. HOMER Oh. SCENE 8 EXT. CRACKTON - NIGHT Homer walks down Crackton’s main street, looking around for someone wearing Bart’s jacket. A FORGER in a massive OVERCOAT YELLS on a street-corner. FORGER Fake I.D.’s. Get your fake I.D.’s. He points at Homer. FORGER (CONT’D) Hey, sonny boy! How old do you want to be? HOMER Uh, 18. FORGER Done! He whips out a PHONY LICENSE from one of his POCKETS and hands it to Homer. There’s a picture of the MICHELIN MAN and sex reads “TIRE.” HOMER Ooh! Now I can buy lottery tickets! How much? 9. FORGER For a nice kid like you...Fifty. HOMER I’m out of work, but okay! Homer yanks a FIFTY from his wallet and hands it to the forger. FORGER (CONT’D) Now I can buy Codeine! Reggie appears from the darkness, sucking on a TOOTHPICK. REGGIE Son, you just got hustled. HOMER Hey, speak for yourself. This photo’s pretty accurate! Homer notices Reggie’s jacket. HOMER (CONT’D) Hey! That’s Bart’s jacket! REGGIE I don’t know any Bart. Reggie takes out the toothpick and twirls it. HOMER Aww...I guess you’re the wrong guy. REGGIE Hmmm. You know...The people who give Crackton it’s name-- He nods at a BILBOARD that says “WELCOME TO CRACKTON. TRY NOT TO BREATHE IN.” REGGIE (CONT’D) --are either dead or playing Center Field for the Texas Rangers. HOMER That’s too bad. REGGIE Now, meth is all the rage but none of the hillbilly addicts’ll buy from a man of color. 10. HOMER Racist jerks. REGGIE What I need is a harmless, doughy, white man to bridge the gap. Reggie looks at Homer and as he does, Homer’s head turns into the Michelin man’s. HOMER (blankly) Yes. Reggie shakes his head and Homer turns back to himself. REGGIE You don’t get subtely, do you? HOMER (blankly) Yes. REGGIE Homer, if sell meth for me, I’ll give you the jacket back. HOMER But isn’t selling drugs wrong? REGGIE You said you were out of work. Isn’t killing your family when you can’t afford to feed them illegal? HOMER You make a good point. REGGIE Just make sure you don’t say “meth” in case of undercovers.
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