The Kingpin of Crackton by Jesse Crall ACT ONE FADE IN:

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING SCENE 1 The entire SIMPSON FAMILY gather around BART, on the COUCH and surrounded by OPENED PRESENTS. A BANNER above his head reads “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” HOMER Well Bart, I promised if you got a C minus in any class I’d get you something special for your birthday. So here you go. BART Thank you gym class. Homer hands him a large box which Bart eagerly tears open. He pulls out a BLACK LEATHER JACKET. BART (CONT’D) Whoa! HOMER So what do you think, boy? Bart looks at his father BUG-EYED and speechless. MARGE Gee Homer, what did you pay for that? Homer tugs his collar. HOMER Uh, it fell off the back of a truck. BART Really? That’s convenient. Lisa looks inside the box and pulls out a RECEIPT. 2.

LISA No it didn’t. It says right here, $632 dollars and 71 cents. Marge palms her face and shakes her head. HOMER Don’t worry Marge. I got it a size big so he can wear it forever. BART I love you Dad. LISA How come I never got anything this nice for my birthday? HOMER Because YOU don’t believe in animal cruelty. Lisa groans while Bart puts the jacket on and primps proudly.

EXT. SCHOOLYARD - NEXT DAY SCENE 2 Bart, wearing jeans and the leather jacket, struts through the playground. SHERRI and TERRI swoon while JIMBO stops punching MARTIN in the stomach long enough to admire Bart. Bart stops in from of MILHOUSE, LOUIS, and NELSON. BART Well boys, what do you think? MILHOUSE Wow, Bart. You dress like my dad did before I was born! NELSON Normally I’d pound you for wearing something I can’t afford, but in this case, I have to tip my cap. A STUDENT wearing an ISOTOPES hat walks by and Nelson smacks it off his head, puts it on, and tips it at Bart. SCENE 2 3.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Homer gets ready to leave for work while Marge follows him out. MARGE Homer, I’m happy you gave Bart such a nice present, but I’m still concerned about the money. HOMER Don’t worry, Marge. By the time I finish work today we’ll be 93 dollars richer. Marge GRUMBLES. SCENE 3

INT. MR. BURNS’ OFFICE - LATER MR. BURNS sits at his desk while SMITHERS stands by his side with a NEWSPAPER. SMITHERS Uh, Mr. Burns, we have a major problem. MR. BURNS Don’t bother me with problems before my office has been properly humidified. In the corner, a small HUMIDIFIER groans away. A tiny bead of sweat forms on Mr. Burns forehead. Mr. Smithers sweats profusely. MR. BURNS (CONT’D) There. Now what is it, Smithers? Smithers holds up the newspaper. SMITHERS Well, fewer Americans trust nuclear power. I think we may lose some customers soon. 4.

MR. BURNS Hmmm. Only one thing to do then. SCENE 4

EXT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - LATER All the PLANT WORKERS gather outside below Mr. Burns’ office window. Mr. Burns steps out with a BULLHORN. MR. BURNS Due to an irrational fear of nuclear meltdown, this plant will have to undergo massive layoffs to stay afloat. Focus on Homer. HOMER Uh-oh. MR. BURNS However, I promise no one who’s been with the plant longer than ten years will be let go. HOMER Phew. MR. BURNS Unless of course they’re lazy, incompetent, or have shown recent signs of substance abuse. HOMER D’oh! SCENE 5

EXT. SPRINGFIELD - SAME DAY Bart rides his SKATEBOARD through Springfield. Of course, he’s wearing the jacket and PEDESTRIANS look at him with awe as he skates by. As Bart skates past Moe’s Tavern, MOE steps outside to toss a RAT out. He sees Bart go by. 5.

MOE Huh. Maybe if I had a leather jacket I’d have better luck with the ladies. The rat looks up at Moe and shakes its head. Moe slumps his shoulders depressively. SCENE 6

EXT. CRACKTON - LATER Lost in his thoughts, Bart ends up in CRACKTON, Springfield’s SKID ROW. The only thriving store has a sign reading “NEEDLE EXCHANGE.” He looks around at the BOARDED-UP BUILDINGS and BUMS, gets nervous, and loses his footing. He rolls down an embankment and the jacket falls off as he does. REGGIE, a hustler, runs over and takes Bart’s jacket. BART Hey, that’s mine! Bart stands up and wipes some of the dirt from his bare arms. Reggie puts the jacket on. It’s small and looks foolish on him. REGGIE Are you wearing it? BART Well, no. REGGIE Am I wearing it? BART Yeah, but-- REGGIE --But what? He leans forward menacingly. As he does, the sun seems to go down and various derelicts begin to stir around Bart. BART Ahhh! 6.

He runs up the embankment, grabs his skateboard, and skates away as fast as he can. SCENE 7

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER Homer sits at the kitchen table. Four DUFFS are scattered in front of him and he sucks down another. Marge comes in to the kitchen. MARGE Homer, I knew buying Bart that jacket was a bad idea. We really could have used the money. HOMER Oh, thank you Marge for your BRILLIANT input. I’m so happy you said no to that big-city reporting job and stayed here. I’m so-- MARGE Oh, Homer, knock it off. HOMER Yes, Marge. Homer gets up and leaves the kitchen.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Homer slumps on the couch as Bart walks in. HOMER Hey Bart, where’s the jacket? BART A guy in Crackton stole it. Homer stands up and takes Bart by the shoulders. HOMER Bart, if you have a drug problem I can help you out. Please let me help you out. Why won’t you let me help you out! He starts shaking Bart. 7.

BART Stop it dad! I don’t have a drug problem. Homer lets go. HOMER Oh, thank God. He grabs the Duff and chugs it down. BART You’re not mad? HOMER Well, I am five beers in. I’ll probably feel different in the morning. But we can’t let your mother know it was stolen. BART Why not? Homer sits down on the couch and pats a spot next to him where Bart sits. HOMER Son, when you get married you’ll figure out that sometimes, women like to get on your case about ridiculous things. Your drinking, your weight, your suspended driver’s liscence... BART Figures. HOMER But nothing makes them nag you more than throwing money down the drain. BART So what are we gonna do, dad? HOMER I’ll get the jacket back for you. BART Really? Thanks! But the guy who took it looked pretty tough. HOMER Not to worry, boy. 8.

Homer drains the rest of his Duff. HOMER (CONT’D) Now if he slugs me your old man won’t feel a thing. BART Wow. HOMER But how do I know who’s the right guy? BART Well, he’s probably wearing my jacket. HOMER Oh. SCENE 8

EXT. CRACKTON - NIGHT Homer walks down Crackton’s main street, looking around for someone wearing Bart’s jacket. A FORGER in a massive OVERCOAT YELLS on a street-corner. FORGER Fake I.D.’s. Get your fake I.D.’s. He points at Homer. FORGER (CONT’D) Hey, sonny boy! How old do you want to be? HOMER Uh, 18. FORGER Done! He whips out a PHONY LICENSE from one of his POCKETS and hands it to Homer. There’s a picture of the MICHELIN MAN and sex reads “TIRE.” HOMER Ooh! Now I can buy lottery tickets! How much? 9.

FORGER For a nice kid like you...Fifty. HOMER I’m out of work, but okay! Homer yanks a FIFTY from his wallet and hands it to the forger. FORGER (CONT’D) Now I can buy Codeine! Reggie appears from the darkness, sucking on a TOOTHPICK. REGGIE Son, you just got hustled. HOMER Hey, speak for yourself. This photo’s pretty accurate! Homer notices Reggie’s jacket. HOMER (CONT’D) Hey! That’s Bart’s jacket! REGGIE I don’t know any Bart. Reggie takes out the toothpick and twirls it. HOMER Aww...I guess you’re the wrong guy. REGGIE Hmmm. You know...The people who give Crackton it’s name-- He nods at a BILBOARD that says “WELCOME TO CRACKTON. TRY NOT TO BREATHE IN.” REGGIE (CONT’D) --are either dead or playing Center Field for the Texas Rangers. HOMER That’s too bad. REGGIE Now, meth is all the rage but none of the hillbilly addicts’ll buy from a man of color. 10.

HOMER Racist jerks. REGGIE What I need is a harmless, doughy, white man to bridge the gap. Reggie looks at Homer and as he does, Homer’s head turns into the Michelin man’s. HOMER (blankly) Yes. Reggie shakes his head and Homer turns back to himself. REGGIE You don’t get subtely, do you? HOMER (blankly) Yes. REGGIE Homer, if sell meth for me, I’ll give you the jacket back. HOMER But isn’t selling drugs wrong? REGGIE You said you were out of work. Isn’t killing your family when you can’t afford to feed them illegal? HOMER You make a good point. REGGIE Just make sure you don’t say “meth” in case of undercovers. Use slang. HOMER Like what? REGGIE I don’t know. You’ll think of something. 11.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ALLEYWAY - NEXT DAY Homer wears an UNBUTTONED HAWAIIAN SHIRT over a WHITE WIFE- BEATER. He also has on BLACK WRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES and leans casually against the alley’s BRICK WALL. JIMBO, KEARNEY, and DOLPH walk past. HOMER Psst. Hey kids? They look over. HOMER (CONT’D) You want to try the other white meat?

EXT. CRACKTON - LATER Homer, bruised and bloody, stands in front of Reggie’s doorway. HOMER I don’t think this was such a good idea. Reggie slaps his face. REGGIE Just, just find someone who already wants it and deal to them.

EXT. CLETUS SPUCKLER’S HOUSE - LATER Cletus stands outside his home. CLETUS Naw, I prefer liquid contraband. He pulls out a JUB labeled XXX and takes a swig. CLETUS (CONT’D) But I reckon having a few interested relations. He hands Homer a gigantic BOOK. The cover reads “THE SPUCKLER PAGES” and has a picture of a DEAD POSSUM on it. 12.

INT. REGGIE’S APARTMENT - LATER Reggie smiles as Homer hands him a massive WAD of CASH. REGGIE Now let’s just hope you got the proverbial ball rolling. HOMER No, it’s meth. I’m selling meth. REGGIE Yeeahh...A few more greenbacks and the jacket’s your’s. Homer smiles. HOMER Ah, I remember my first leather jacket. I felt like a man for the first time. Homer’s mind flashes back 20 years to when he was a teenager.

INT. SPRINGFIELD HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - FLASHBACK Homer, LENNY, CARL, BARNEY, and CHIEF WIGGUM are on stage. A banner reads “Talent Show.” They are dressed as THE VILLAGE PEOPLE, with Lenny as the COWBOY, Carl as the G.I., Wiggum as the COP, Barney as a CONSTRUCTION WORKER, and Homer as the BIKER. ALL It’s fun to stay at the-- A student yells out. STUDENT Where’s the Native American? ALL Y.M.C.A! A female student joins in. FEMALE STUDENT Yeah, why are you so intolerant? ALL It’s fun to stay at the-- 13.

Another male student yells. 2ND STUDENT This is gay and politically incorrect!

INT. REGGIE’S APARTMENT - SAME TIME Back to the present, Homer has a wet dream on his face. HOMER So beloved... Reggie looks at him with concern.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD - DAY Bart, back in his t-shirt and shorts, walks alone. He’s ignored by passersby. Bart notices a BULLS-EYS discount store, an obvious Target rip-off. A billboard for BULLS-EYE reads “NOBODY PUTS MAIN STREET OUT OF BUSINESS BETTER.” BART Hmmm.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD - LATER Bart walks down the sidewalk with his leather jacket worn proudly. An SEXY WOMAN, 22, with AMPLE CLEAVAGE smiles and giggles while Bart walks toward her. He CLICKS his tongue and gives her a FINGER-SHOOT, making her swoon. An older GAY MAN stares at Bart as he passes by. GAY MAN James Dean has....RETURNED! A strong gust of wind blows and takes pieces of Bart’s jacket with it. BART Huh? 14.

Another gust blows more pieces away until only a scrap remains. Bart reads the label on it. BART Made in...North Korea Elementary School #9? Aw, jeez. That was the last 30 bucks I stole from Homer’s wallet last week. He tosses the piece away and hangs his head. A SMALL BIRD sees the scrap of leather and swoops down to grab it. The bird flies up to it’s nest and lays the piece on top. Suddenly, the nest BURSTS INTO FLAMES and the bird chirps away angrily. BIRD (subtitled) Cheap foreign material!

EXT. MOE’S TAVERN - SAME TIME Bart walks past Moe’s tavern as Moe steps outside. As Bart skulks past sadly, the rat squeals. MOE (to the rat) Heh. Guess I don’t look so bad anymore! The rat shakes its head and Moe turns downcast once again.

EXT. NEWSPAPER BOOTH - NEXT MORNING The Springfield Shopper headline reads “Meth Use Rises in Springfield.” Below it reads “Is Meth to blame?” Another headline further down the page reads “Dwight Gooden to Manages Isotopes.”

INT. CHANNEL 6 NEWSDESK - THAT NIGHT KENT BROCKMAN delivers a report. He’s clearly on meth, with wild hair and RED CIRCLES under his eyes. 15.

KENT (talking fast) And meth use has hit a new high in Springfield over--C’mon, c’mon, move the prompter faster! No, I’m not talking too fast! He stands and begins shouting at the hapless INTERN running the prompter. KENT (CONT’D) I’m a professional! I’m a professional!!! INTERN But Mr. Brockman-- KENT Don’t Mr. Brockman me!!! You’re fired! He sits back down but still twitches involuntarily. KENT I don’t need a Teleprompter. I can deliver my own news. He settles himself, grabs a stack of PAPERS, and shuffles them once. Then, he gets wild-eyed again. KENT Breaking news! Meth is beneficial to some, really beneficial to others!

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - NEXT DAY Mrs. Kraboppel writes “The Civil Rights Act” on the board. MRS. KRABOPPEL And so the Civil Rights Act helped end discrimination and make America a more equal place for its citizens. A strung-out Nelson rises from his chair furiously. NELSON No! No! No! Mrs. Kraboppel freezes. 16.

MRS. KRABOPPEL Hmmm. Well, maybe it didn’t.

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - SAME DAY A number of employees run through the power plant completing tasks in record times. Two men with WHEELBARROWS filled with NUCLEAR WASTE race down a hall. EMPLOYEE 1 I’ve never had so much energy! EMPLOYEE 2 My skin is trying to kill me!

INT. MR. BURNS’ OFFICE - SAME TIME Mr, Burns sits at his office with Smithers at his side. SMITHERS Good news sir! Productivity is at a record high. I don’t know what the cause is but I guess the layoffs really...spurred the rest on. MR. BURNS Ah, it reminds of the go-go 80’s. Everyone had powdered sugar under their noses. Well, this means one thing.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - LATER Mr. Burns stands outside his office with a BULLHORN. Once again, employees gather below. MR. BURNS Since productivity is at a record high, I need less of you! This prompts GROANS from the workers. MR. BURNS Anyone who hasn’t shown above- average pep is fired! A huge cheer erupts from half the employees, all of whom display signs of meth use. The other half, tired, slink away. 17.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - PARKING LOT - LATER The fired workers walk out from the plant. Homer, in his Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, waits casually past the plant’s entrance. HOMER Hey guys, feeling depressed? FIRED MAN Yeah... HOMER Feel like you’ll never have love, a job, or a reason to live ever again? FIRED MAN Yeah... HOMER Well, how’d you like to feel the same way but with energy?! The group of ex-employees begin to MURMUR excitedly.

EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE - NEXT DAY Lisa walks through her neighborhood while various NEIGHBORS exhibit strange, meth-fueled behavior. One OLDER WOMAN sits on her porch ROCKING repeatedly. A MIDDLE-AGED MAN jumps in front of Lisa and laughs maniacally. MIDDLE-AGED MAN I want to make my own! I need cough syrup! I need cough syrup! LISA AAGGHHH! Lisa runs away from him and keeps running until she sees the back of CHIEF WIGGUM. LISA Oh Chief Wiggum, thank goodness! The whole town’s gone crazy! 18.

Chief Wiggum turns around. He’s lost weight and his UNIFORM hangs baggily. His eyes have the same dark circles as Kent Brockman’s. Lisa GASPS. CHIEF WIGGUM What is it, Lisa? He has a calm demeanor at first. LISA Um...There’s a--- CHIEF WIGGUM Lisa, do you have a job yet? LISA Why do ask that? CHIEF WIGGUM Oh, well-- And then he snaps. CHIEF WIGGUM (CONT’D) I need money Lisa! Money! This job doesn’t pay much and I need, to uh, feed my family. Yeah, food. I need it. Yeah. Lisa turns toward Wiggum’s FRONT YARD. RALPH waves at Lisa RALPH Hi Lisa. I had worms for dinner! Lisa backs away nervously.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Lisa slams the front door and bursts into the living room. Homer sits on the couch drinking a DUFF and counting his money. LISA Dad! You have to help me! I think the whole town’s using meth! Homer chuckles. 19.

HOMER Don’t worry, Lisa. There’s no drugs in this house. He finishes a swig of beer and tosses the can behind the couch with a DOZEN others. LISA But we’ve gotta do something! Our friends and neighbors could die! Homer laughs nervously as he tries to hide his stack of money. LISA (CONT’D) Dad...where did that money come from? HOMER You’re right, Lisa. I do have a lot of money. He stands up and promptly walks out of the house. The SOUND of Homer’s car starting and rapidly pulling away prompts Lisa to groan.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER Marge pulls a tray of BROWNIES out of the oven as Lisa walks in. MARGE I’m so glad you’re father got that mysterious consulting job. It’s nice to be able to afford brownies that are made with flour instead of leftover asbestos. LISA Mom, I think dad’s dealing meth. MARGE What?! LISA Yeah, he got really nervous when I asked about all his money and-- 20.

MARGE --Oh dear. Although I do have to admit, he was a pretty successful bootlegger. LISA Mom! MARGE What? He’s not exactly a genius and if this is his best way to put food on the table... LISA That’s horrible! Springfield’s gonna become another Crackton! MARGE Do you really want brownies that give you cancer? Do you, Lisa? LISA Uhhhh...

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - NEXT DAY The two employees who previously raced down the hallway now struggle to put one foot ahead of the other. EMPLOYEE 1 I haven’t slept in 3 days. EMPLOYEE 2 I haven’t eaten in 4. Employee 2 collapses on the floor. As he does, drops of NUCLEAR waste from a pipe above him splash on his face and start to singe his flesh. His eyes twitch but he doesn’t move. Employee 1 looks up at the source of the waste. EMPLOYEE 1 Green rainwater! He opens his mouth to catch a droplet. One comes down and he groans in pain. EMPLOYEE 1 AGHH! It burns so much! He leaves his mouth open to catch another drop. 21.

INT. MR. BURNS’ OFFICE - LATER Mr. Burns is at his desk with Smithers at his side. SMITHERS Well, it seems that productivity has never been worse. MR. BURNS Curses! All the pep seems to be gone from my plant! Well, if these peons want to be deadbeats, they can layabout elsewhere!

INT. SPRINGFIELD POWER PLANT - CONTINUOUS Mr. Burns’ voice comes over the LOUDSPEAKER as the strung-out employees listen. MR. BURNS (O.S.) To any worker currently lying on the floor or writhing nervously in their chair, you’re fired! EMPLOYEE 2 Oh man... EMPLOYEE 1 Yes! Another drop lands in Employee 1’s mouth. EMPLOYEE 1 (CONT’D) Arggg!

EXT. NEWSPAPER BOOTH - NEXT DAY The Springfield Shopper headline reads “Springfield’s Unemployment Reaches 10 Year High” Beneath the headline, it reads “Are Layoffs to Blame?” A smaller headline reads “Dwight Gooden Arrested”

EXT. SPRINGFIELD - NIGHT LOU drives his POLICE CAR though Springfield. Various ADDICTS wander the sidewalks and scratch themselves furiously under STREETLIGHTS. 22.

LOU Lousy Wiggum...Gotta do everything myself. He flashes a light on Homer taking money from Employee 2 in an alleyway. LOU (CONT’D) Well, what have we got here..

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ALLEYWAY - MOMENTS LATER Lou cuffs Homer while Employee 2 runs away. HOMER You got nothing on me, MAN! Lousy cop, can’t let a businessman operate any more. What’s the deal, MAN!

INT. SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION - HOLDING CELL - LATER Homer grabs the bars of his cell, screaming. HOMER I’ll talk! I’ll talk! I got the drugs from someone else. It was Reggie, the kingpin of Crackton. The kingpin of Crackton! Lou wanders over. LOU That’s better.

INT. SPRINGFIELD COURTHOUSE - DAY A full courthouse awaits closing arguments in Reggie’s trial. JUDGE SNYDER BANGS his GAVEL twice. JUDGE SNYDER Order! Order! Settle down! Settle Down! The CROWD, all twitchy and scratching at their faces, restlessly sit back down. 23.

JUDGE SNYDER (CONT’D) The defense still gets to make a closing argument. Reggie stands up. REGGIE Your honor, I’d rather make my own closing. He nods at his LAWYER, a jittery man who rocks back and forth. JUDGE SNYDER Agreed. REGGIE Ladies, gentlemen... He looks at the jury, comprised of more twitching individuals, some of whom aren’t clearly male or female. REGGIE (CONT’D) Its. The jury flashes hatred toward Reggie. REGGIE (CONT’D) Yes, I provided drugs to the community. I admit it. But I am a victim of a neighborhood riddled by poverty. The schools of Crackton are so bad there are no teachers. I used to just show up everyday at a brick building and color. But we didn’t even have line to color in between! Man, we just drew wherever we wanted. It was awful. The jury keeps twitching and Reggie gulps. REGGIE (O.C.) I had no father. My mother worked 6 jobs at once so she kept getting fired for only showing up to two of them. So all I could do was deal. Otherwise, I’d be just like you all, twitchy, strung-out... The jury keeps rocking and twitching. Reggie bites his lip and looks around. 24.

REGGIE (CONT’D) And besides, if y’all throw me in the slammer, where are all the drugs gonna come from? The jury freezes. One nale juror grabs his hair and starts pulling. JUROR 1 Oh God! What’ll we do! The rest join in.

INT. SPRINGFIELD COURTHOUSE - LATER After deliberations, the jury returns to the courtroom and settles in, trying to stay composed despite their withdrawals. JUDGE SNYDER Has the jury reached a verdict? HEAD JUROR Dear God yes! JUDGE SNYDER In the case of Reginald Kenneth Dwight, how do you find? HEAD JUROR (rapidly) We find the defendant innocent! Innocent! Innocent! ALL JURORS Innocent! Innocent! Reggie grins.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NEXT DAY The family watches television. MARGE I’m glad you got your job back, Homer. 25.

HOMER Yeah...I’m the only nuclear worker left in town who isn’t going to rehab. LISA Where is the rehab center? HOMER Some resort in the Ozark Mountains.

EXT. OZARK MOUNTAIN BUS STATION - SAME TIME TWO DOZEN NUCLEAR WORKERS get off a BUS and look around. WORKER 1 So, where’s this clinic? A few shrug. A skinny, twitchy MAN in a TRUCKER HAT shuffles over. TWITCHY MAN Hey, you guys looking to score?

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME BART So, is Reggie gonna give back the jacket? HOMER Hahaha, no...In fact, he said he’s gonna take revenge on us all for selling him out. Homer stares happily at the television while the rest of the family nervously looks around.