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Look Up First Not Hot THE TUFTS DOOBIE Time CALL: (973) 461-9396 FOR A GOOD TIME ;) thursday, october 31, 2013 TUFTSDOOBIE.COM Tufts cancels all events ever Student leaks footage b y Me n g h i s Kh a n II CSL policy. Daily StruggleBus This Daily editor tried to track down the student-run Programming Board, In a dramatic move that frankly all which had previously expressed hopes students saw coming, Tufts announced and dreams for planning successful in the latest Strategic Digest Issue replacement events like this year’s Fall XXXII that all university events will be Gala. canceled indefinitely. A student reported that he had seen Major traditions include Spring the entire Programming Board aboard Fling, Winter Bash, Tuftstonia Day, the helicopter which this year was Cage Rage and Fall Gala. hired to take aerial shots of the Tufts “This is not because we believe campus. Tufts students too often abuse alcohol “After they were done taking pic- of upcoming film at these events,” Dean of Campus Life tures, they just flew off into the sun- Bruce Rightman said. “In fact, no Tufts set,” the student said, hypothesizing students ever attend university events that they had rage quit their jobs. under the influence of alcohol or act Megan Oh, a freshman majoring inappropriately. We simply decided to in Indecision, expressed disappoint- take Campus Life in a new direction.” ment that regular entertainers like Oh When asked what his new job will Megan! and The Hypnotist would no entail now that he will no longer spend longer be returning. his days writing emails or Daily op-eds “Those were the only reasons I came about appropriate student behavior at here, really,” she said. “I’ll probably events, Rightman declined to com- transfer next year.” ment. Only one department on campus The Richard E. Snyder President’s was happy with the new policy -- Tufts Lecture Series was also canceled after University Athletics. some time on the chopping block in “ T h e consideration of student protests this s c h o o l year. i s n ’ t “We didn’t want to just target dan- cancel- gerous social activities,” President i n g o u r Anthony Monaco said. “We wanted to p r o g r a m , eliminate ANYTHING that could cause s o I t h i n k controversy. This is to foster a spirit of t h i s i s Your Mom / open dialogue, which the university g r e a t , ” Leaked footage, available online at Jumbo Beat cares deeply about.” B i l l y But an anonymous source from the J o e l b y Cu r i o u s thought the movie was about algebra. President’s Office confirmed that the s a i d . “ I Voyeurism Committee Isn’t it called ‘Basic Math?’” move to cancel of all events has been t h i n k Librarian Sophia Leggere, howev- in the works ever since Monaco suc- in the In an interesting turn of events, the er, believes the stacks were the per- cessfully ousted Larry Bacow from a b s e n c e plot of the movie filmed on campus, fect location for the shooting the sex campus in 2011. of any “Sex Tape,” has become a reality. scene. “I’m surprised students didn’t catch o t h e r Tufts student Tom Peeper was “This is just another normal day in on earlier,” the source said. “NQR, mean- charged last Friday with leaking ille- the basement stacks, she said. “I catch Tuftstonia Day, Fall Ball they’ve been i n g f u l gally recorded footage from the movie’s students down there all the time.” dropping like flies. We only brought activ- sex scene -- featuring performances by Peeper’s leaked footage has caused back the fireworks this year because, ity on Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel -- onto some of the movie’s producers to well, we had the money, thanks to the c a m p u s , the Internet. become concerned about the film’s always reliable tuition increase.” t u r n o u t “Once I heard the filming schedule, success, Weiner said. When asked what the administra- m i g h t I camped out all night hoping to catch “That scene was the best part of the tion’s end game was, the anonymous a c t u a l l y a glimpse of Cameron and Jason in movie,” he said. “Now I have no idea source incoherently referenced the i m p r o v e . action,” Peeper said. “I was not disap- how we’re going to make money.” pointed.” The leaked footage has also inspired The scene was filmed in the stacks students to make spoofs of the video of in the early morning in various campus locations, the in order to avoid student interference; Director of Health Service Madame however, filming crews clearly under- Pomfrey said. Students’ re-creations of estimated the stalking abilities of Tufts the sex scene are trending all over the students, according to the Director internet. Anthony Weiner. “It’s a real health concern,” she said. “We were prepared for students to “They’re on the President’s lawn, by want photos and autographs, but we the cannon, the library roof, even on didn’t think they’d go this far,” he said. top of the Jumbo statue. Someone “We picked this place for the foliage could get hurt.” and the Adirondack chairs in front of University President Anthony Miller. We had no idea what we were Monaco assured the filmmakers that getting ourselves into.” Peeper will be severely punished for Diaz said she was horrified, though his actions. not surprised by the leak, noting that “ S p y i n g students basically filmed and photo- and covert- graphed every minute of their time on l y f i l m i n g the Hill. p e o p l e i s “Of all the fans in our filming places, a b s o l u t e l y Tufts was definitely the most aggres- prohibit- sive,” Diaz said. “Some students ed to stu- seemed to be following us all day. d e n t s , ” Don’t they have classes?” M o n a c o Segel, on the other hand, seemed s a i d . “ I f unconcerned. w e w a n t t o “To be honest, I don’t really mind,” f i l m p e o p l e Segel said. “After filming ‘Forgetting s e c r e t l y , Sarah Marshall’ I’m pretty used to w e ’ l l j u s t strutting my stuff on camera.” u s e t h e Many students are upset to learn h e l i c o p t e r that the explicit scene was filmed on again.” campus. Curtis Basement “Wait,” Conny Phused said. “I We can never go back...

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Abigail Williams Executive Bruise Editor Dorian Gray Bruise Editors Victor Frankenstein Of Mine and Menghan Eminem Annabeauty & Beast Massachusetts Crystal Meth / Mischief Managed Joshua Tree Sarah Marshall iSIS will be transitioned out as the study condudted by Psychology Department has ended early. Daniel Boy Assistant Bruise Editors Alex Horowitch Denali Alaska iSIS psychology study terminates early b y Ca n d y Do v e body. “The most challenging part of design- Shannon Vavra Executive Features Editor Lily Sieradzki Features Editors My Sis “It’s not everyday you get to make a ing the study was figuring out a way to Charlotte Gilliland whole new website that’s intentionally capture results,” Johnson said. “We knew Emily Bartlett Vicky Rathsmill The Tufts Department of Psychology confusing just for the sake of science,” that social media and Internet search Emma Arnesty-Good Assistant Features Editors Caitlin McClure announced yesterday that iSIS was not intro- Kenneth Johnson, a graduate student tracking would be key. We ended up being Sabrina McMillin duced as an improvement to services provided involved in designing the experiment, able to track the Google searches on tuft- Julia McDaniel to students online, but rather an experiment said. swireless, initially with key phrases like that the department designed to explore the To design the study, the team of students ‘iSIS tutorial,’ and ‘how the f**k do you use Smushed Grapes The Most Artsy One trait of patience in this generation of college came with ideas to test patience by mak- iSIS.’” Mark Twerk Artsiers students. Students, faculty and staff have all ing a list of pet peeves on other websites, The lack of patience and onslaught Edgar Allan Poop Charles Dick-in-a-box Artsies failed. according to Johnson. The most common of frustration was obvious after the first Jack Keroquack Though it was meant to be a longitu- one was load-time, which the team incor- couple of weeks of the study, accord- Nathaniel Hawporn Mary Spelly dinal study, the administers of the experi- porated into the study with a delayed load- ing to Johnson. There was a significant ment ended the study due to potentially time for transcripts and general disorgani- and steady stream of Facebook status detrimental side effects. What began in 2010 zation. updates like ‘iSIS why?,’ ‘iSIS, you are Biskit Now The as a small cohort of graduate students in The group of students took their idea ruining my life’ and ‘I give up iSIS, you Potted Plant Fishsticks the psychology department, soon grew to to Tufts Technology Services Director win.’ Small Min include undergraduate students and profes- of Communications and Organizational “It got to the point where the student Rudy Bega Whole Team Basket Ball sors, like Director of Graduate Studies Nancy Effectiveness Auburn Danish, who was body really couldn’t handle any more stress Personal Pizza Kenmore. excited about the project, though skep- tests. It was evident that we were causing Nüget Blood “There is such a limited amount of tical. more harm by doing the study than would Scooter Here information on the way our brains react “We were worried the students might be achieved from the potential information Situational Ass Clap JRuthie Batter Gin to non-intuitively designed software and end up liking [iSIS] more than SIS. And gained in a longitudinal study,” Kenmore Gwak appliances that when one of the gradu- then when the study ended, we’d have said. ate TA’s in ‘Thinking’ [PSYCH18] suggest- a lot of students really upset,” Danish Students, faculty and staff are all El Conquistador Executive O Face ed something similar, we had to go with said. equally shocked and relieved that it Blue Steel Op-Ed Editors it,” Kenmore said. “We knew it would be Danish pointed out that although was all just a joke. The lasting effects of Thing 2 Snow Yellow challenging, but we thought it was worth the technology team ultimately joined the study, however, are yet to be deter- Smallfoot it.” up with the psychology department’s mined. Jehan Solo Cartoonists Only One Sock According to Kenmore, glitches in project, they are fond of the old sys- “We really hope that we ended the study in Dracula After Rehab the system — such as the need to log tem. time to have made any permanent damage on Bleacher Seats in twice, no direct connection between “We essentially adopted SIS when the com- the minds of the students,” Kenmore said. “As Insomniac Beauty Editorialists All Seven Dwarves searching a class and enrolling, the pany went out of business in 2000, and that long as we get people back on SIS next semes- Dr. Evil need to use controls in the portal rather was 13 years ago so we feel pretty attached to ter and begin treatment, we should be able to than the forward and backward arrow it.” restore partial function to some of the stress of the web page and incorrect class- After seeing the upset that the receptors.” Shakyra Sturgill Official Flasher ChaCha Geiling Assistant Exposers room numbers — were included with implementation caused, however, Cortisone hormone treatment is Jelly Belly Hampson the primary goal of testing the patience Danish was comforted that SIS was available free of charge through Health Waffle Jing Lee Lucky Strike Backer and mental endurance of the student safe. Service. Professional Pfosi Hole openers PB & J Zhou Adams Anthropophagy concentration up for Alaskan TLC Correspondent Women Chasing Waterfalls Looking for Love Long Walks on the Beach consideration Student cannibals hungry for members ReproDUCTION b y Ma d a m e Sh w a y z e phagy concentration in the department. meet-and-eats, er meet-and-greets! It Daily Editorial Board Belly (Button) Boy It would have one class: a field course in could start out small first in the class- flesh eating. room.” Baby Daddy Next spring, Jumbos can expect to “The department has taken some time Monaco bit off a large section of see a smaller student body on the Hill. to convince, but they have been recep- Flesh’s argument, however, when he said Holly White Drug Lord Better Call Saul Senior Kingpin Why? No, not because of study abroad. tive to my cravings finally,” Marrow, a that student class sizes and then enroll- Huell Babineaux Dealers Donald Margolis There is a new student group of can- biology major, said. “I think the student ment would diminish as a direct result of Skinny Pete nibals forming on campus, and they are body will quickly eat up whatever the increased cannibalism on campus. Brock Cantillo Tortuga looking for members. department decides to do.” “That, simply, is not the goal of a uni- Flynn White Junior Jane Flesh, a self-identified Ortho Corpus, department chair, versity,” he said. “Retention rate should Walter Jr. Combo Ortega cannibal, said there is a growing hunger expressed his excitement for the meetings. not be affected by death caused by a Krazy-8 Molina among students in a joining the group. “There was a thirst I saw in everyone’s class with a field study component.” Group Leader Lab Rat “Those that have expressed a carnal eyes -- students’ and faculty members’ According to Marrow, however, she interest in joining this group are frus- alike,” Corpus said. “Everyone was just biting feels uncomfortable without represen- trated with the lack of representation into the proposals, getting a taste for them. tation of anthropophages in the course Jamie Ghoulgland Executive Cauldron Enchantors we have on campus,” Flesh said. “Our Everyone’s juices were just ... flowing.” offerings at Tufts. Boolia Russell Anna Howlgen Cauldron Enchantors problems are no different from those High-level administrators, however, “Nobody understands! Alienne Lange Anthropophages are in a Boo Lewis of other minorities on campus: we are have not yet whetted their appetites for Annaick Thriller judged, we have a lot of stereotypes the concentration’s addition. President minority, and it’s not fair,” Vampire Srinivasan Anthony Monaco bared his teeth on the Marrow said. Hobgoblin Gibson Assistant Cauldron Enchantors associated with us and we would like to Pirate Schulman be appreciated.” issue at a recent open forum about can- Marrow said that the group of flesh- Rachel Spellzberg The group, according to senior nibalism on campus. eating students would not be applying Stella Marrow, would focus on “We are nervous that with a class for a house just yet. connecting to the larger com- with a field study component, that stu- “I’m not anxious that we wouldn’t Spiderman Interwebs munity of cannibals in the dents will be, er, targeted on campus,” have enough interest -- I’m just worried Greater Boston Area. Monaco said. “We don’t want to make that we might run out . . . of members . “There are a lot of humans, er, anyone feel preyed upon.” . . after moving in. That would be awk- BEESWAX resources out there that students don’t Flesh said that the course would only ward,” she said. know about,” Marrow said. “With a just be the start of cannibalistic pro- Marrow said that although the infor- Honey Boo Boo group, though, I think we can make an gramming. mal group is just in its teething stage Queen Bee edible — credible! — difference.” “Giving the student body a chunk of and is rather small, there will be a lot Marrow and Flesh are not alone in something to bite into, however small, of angry and hungry cannibals if the Honey Dew Donuts Worker Bee their appetite for programming related would be great for increasing a inter- student group is not approved. to eating human flesh. The Department est,” Flesh added. “There are a lot of “It isn’t fair if we’re not approved as P.O. Box 53018, Medford, MA 02155 617 627 3090 FAX 617 627 3910 of Biology began meetings this week parts and organs we hope to have as a student group!” she said. “It’s a can o’ [email protected] to discuss incorporating an anthropo- a part of the group, networkings and bull.” 3

Hearts & Givingtuftsdaily.com

Public Art New sculpture causes controversy on campus Giant earthworm statue to be installed on President’s Lawn b y Lo r d Vo l d e m o r t Some students also were overheard Daily Editorial Board accusing the university of phallicism, as both the earthworm and the ostrich have The Tufts Art Gallery has announced that seemingly similar sexual undertones. a new art installation will be coming to cam- “I’m disgusted by the university’s pus. Joining the ranks of the infamous acorn obvious obsession with the male repro- head and ostrich head sculptures, a new ductive system,” sophomore Jess Rizzo 10-ft. cast iron earthworm will be unveiled said. “I could cut the testosterone on this on the President’s Lawn next month. campus with a butter knife, it’s so thick.” “We are really trying to bring unique Despite the opposition, the project is art pieces to the Hill, and I’m especially still underway. The university has recruit- excited to be able to see it out my win- ed the Gardening Club and the Women dow!” President Monaco said. for Worms Association to rally support for The statue is currently being crafted by the new statue, by posting flyers depict- a Chilean artist and will be shipped from ing a smiling clip-art earthworm rid- the artist’s hometown in Chile to Boston ing bareback on an also-smiling Jumbo. by boat. Despite concerns from parents, Additionally, word on the Hill is that trick- claiming that the money going towards the or-treaters dressed as earthworms will installation would be better spent on aca- receive an extra piece of candy at Gifford demic pursuits, the university is defending House, Health Service and participating its decision, noting that the statue’s transat- fraternity and sorority houses. lantic journey will be free of charge, thanks As with the ostrich head, the uni- to Carnival Cruise Lines who have agreed versity plans to install a plaque next to to transport the monument. the earthworm that will include a trivia “I just hope the boat doesn’t crash like Snape for the Tufts Daily question about the statue. A university- A fat, fleshy earthworm sculpture will soon be erected on the President’s Lawn. the last one did!” one benefactor said. wide competition encouraging students According to the Carnival’s website, the worm,” Carnival Cruise Lines CEO Micky Against Insects club immediately began a to submit a trivia question for the plaque earthworm’s journey will take upwards Arison said in an interview. protest in front of Gifford House, shouting will take place next week. The winner of 150 hours, as it will be making stops in The announcement has prompt- “Earthworms belong underground!” and will receive a certificate of adoption of an Peru, Venezuela, Belize and Mexico. ed overwhelmingly negative reactions carrying picket signs featuring obscene endangered earthworm from the World “This is going to be one cultured earth- from students. Members of the Students images of slaughtered earthworms. Wildlife Foundation.

Miscellaneous Activities The Artsy Jumbo Hunger Games to curb groups Ben, that kid Contest to rid Tufts of absurd number of a cappella groups from your Ec 5 Co l o n e l An g u s The first annual a cappella Hunger Games will be held next week, following the addition of yet class, is totally Daily Editorial Board another a cappella group on campus, an all-male albino group which only sings polka written by Adele between 2009 and 2010. The games are a response to the university’s struggles to remain over Halloween below its musical quota due to an amount of on-campus a cappella groups that can only be described as ridiculous and absurd. Based on Suzanne Collins’ 2008 novel, “The Hunger Games,” -- which ripped off the Japanese film “Battle Royale” (2000) -- the members of all-university a cappella groups will be forced to Ben, that sophomore who is compete in a fight to the death to continue earning always in the back right corner campus recognition and funding. The event will of your Ec-5 lecture with his take place beginning next weekend on the sealed-off MacBook before you even get President’s Lawn and will be televised live throughout there, is totally over Halloween. New England. Many stu- dents are eager to watch the An economics and international groups go head to head in the last-obnoxious-student- relations double major from a singing-group-standing competition. quiet suburb in Connecticut, “Ever since freshman year I’ve been waiting for Ben has always been over the something like this to go down,” senior Mark Oshan Halloween tradition. said. “How can a school support itself financially “I just, like, don’t get it,” Ben when literally 79 percent of students need funding for said. “Like, great -- dress up or all those beat-to-death cov- ers they’ve been doing?” whatever. Anyways, have you The Tufts Community Union (TCU) Senate debat- started the problem set yet? ed until the wee hours of Monday morning, and the These TAs are total dicks.” Judiciary could not come to a decision about how Ben’s resistance to Halloween to handle the overload of groups. It was then that has been with him from the Anthony Monaco himself pitched the idea of forcing very beginning. In fact, even at them to fight in his own backyard. TCU Senate was a very young age Ben was never immediately elated, appar- ently because many of the a fan of Halloween. students had had the same idea but felt uncomfort- “My son was like one of able bringing it up. Most students and faculty mem- those child prodigies on the TV,” bers are either fans of “The Hunger Games” series or Ben’s mom, Sharon, said. “But fed up with a cappella -- and many are both. instead of being a chess master “With ‘Catching Fire’ coming out next month and or playing cello at Carnegie a cappella groups gearing up for the holiday season, I Hall, Ben was prematurely jaded can’t think of a better way to kill two birds with one stone, and apathetic to the little joys of if you will,” sophomore Troy Gerrity said. “I’m interested life. We always said that he had to see which group will come out on top.” an old soul.” The competition will go on as long as necessary, and however, this year Ben’s anti- competitors are welcome to try earning sponsors who Halloween stance is being chal- can donate weapons, sur- vival gear or sheets. lenged. His girlfriend, Jennifer, Controversy erupted last night when the wants to wear a couples cos- tried to drum up support by hosting a small concert, tume for a frat party tonight. and the crowd noticed that they were lip-synching “We’re either going to songs performed by the much more talented 2008 do Ariel and Eric from ‘The Beelzebubs perform- ers. Some believe that the Little Mermaid’ (1989) or the group has struggled to impress since their peak in Menendez brothers,” Jennifer 2009 when they performed on “The Sing-Off.” Further said while clutching two plastic problems arose when it was reported that none of the shotguns. Jackson Jills are actually Ke$ha for the Tufts Daily enrolled at Tufts and no one When asked about the likeli- knows who any of them Members of SQ prepare for battle against their fellow a capella groups. really are. hood of his wearing the cos- Students have been pre- paring for the games in a tume, Ben said, “I’d rather eat number of ways. Throughout Granoff Center, singers who once would have been practicing chords are now training with swords; those who an apple with a razorblade in worked to perfect their scales are now perfecting rock throwing. One S-Factor member was allegedly seen at The Steve Tisch Sports and Fitness it.” Center, in what is arguably someone who sings a cappella was caught working out. It has also been reported that members of “Qu’ran Qu’ran” (named in honor of rock legends Duran Duran), the co-ed Islamic group under 4’11” that strictly performs 80’s covers, have been studying the wildlife and grasses of the President’s Lawn in order to prepare themselves for extended survival. Students are looking forward to a game that may last well past finals. As the lawn is prepared and booby-trapped by facility workers, cameras are being set up to ensure that the event can be viewed. Because of the incredible hype already surrounding the event, ratings are expected to soar, and student organizations are encouraged to purchase advertise- ments and commercial airtime. Viewers should prepare themselves to be hammered with messages about divestment and a cappella shows that —by Queef Latina will probably end up being cancelled due to absence of performers. 4 get INSIDE

Sprottuftsdaily.com

Crew Red Sox victory forgotten in midst of busy Boston Wednesday b y Da v tom of the first inning. Contributing Writer “You do realize I’m hitting better than my whole team, right?” Whortiz Wednesday was a packed day in asked the media after the game. “I Beantown. President was literally just single-handedly carried a in town to speak at Faneuil Hall about team to a championship.” healthcare, Drake had a sold-out concert While the Sox were busy playing, Obama at the Garden and Tufts had two -- count and Drake were busying YOLOing. ‘em -- two games at home as the fall regular “I got finished with my speech and took season games are coming to a close. a cab to TD Garden to make sure I wouldn’t The most exciting story of the day on the miss Drake,” Obama said. “How many Hill -- and maybe even the most exciting times a year does a city host a major rap- story in all of Boston sports this Wednesday per like him? I mean we’re talking major -- was the field hockey team’s 1-0 victory ‘Headlines’ right there, what could be more over the Bowdoin Bipolar Pears to put the of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” Jumbos in first place in the ‘CAC. Most upset by the team’s forgotten vic- “I really can’t believe it, we’re the talk tory was the team’s spirit animal, the lead- of the town. We knew everyone was look- er of the bunch o’ beards, Spike Crapoli, ing forward to this game as we look to who was shocked after he ran into the repeat as National Champions, but it’s locker room spraying champagne wearing been amazing how much publicity our no pants, no shirt, but just ski goggles only story is getting, especially with Drake and to find no media there waiting. Obama here,” senior quad-captain Sticks “You have got to be kidding me!” Crapoli McGee said of the win. shouted. “Where is everyone? We just made While Somerville, Medford, Malden this the greatest day in Boston history, and and every other town in the Greater no one gives a s--t?” Boston area is busy cheering for the The Sox team went on to riot, flipping Jumbos, one Boston team has been left The helicopter that flew over the Tufts campus cars and breaking windows, though the out of the conversation: the Red Sox, The Sox were forgotten in the mess of a Wednesday that saw two major pop culture figures, streets were completely empty with only who captured a World Series victory in Obama and Drake, visiting the Hub all at once. the glow of the lights from TD Garden Game 6 on Wednesday. and the loud cheers from the Drake “It’s only the first time we’ve won the Fall ones who started from the bottom, best “Cry Baby” WaaWaa yard a record 27 concert perceptible in the distance. So Classic at home since 1918. Yeah, no big damn turnaround in the MLB. We went times. Holy Boston Strong. The bearded far none of the Sox players have been f--king deal or anything,” Sox second base- 69-93 last year -- that’s f--king awful!” crusaders turned the game into a home arrested, as everyone is still hungover man Dustin PED’roida said after the game. The Sox put a beat down on the St. Louis run derby after DH David Whortiz hit his and sleeping in the wake of Drake’s after- “Who the f--k is this Drake guy? We are the Ha Hardinals, taking pitcher Michelle 500th postseason home run in the bot- party at the Ritz-Carlton.

Bri-ball

Three-time champ says this one was ‘easy money’

b y Ri c h a r d Sp i n a s h J u s t hasn’t won in some time and leading it to Daily Beast when a natty ship!’ So that’s what I did. Now, I’ve Sports Brews y o u got three natty ships in two years. I’m the Keenanthought Bri Keenan had carries done it all, she world’s Tufts greatest! Jumbo football pride!” to national title §¶••™§©®… joined the Tufts football team and led it At first, the football players were skepti- to a national championship, averaging cal that the 5-foot-1 Keenan could make a 863 yards per game on the ground and serious impact on the field. Eli out to Denver, takes backup role to Peyton 567 yards through the air. She threw four “I’ve seen pretty much everything touchdown passes -- to herself. in my five years here,” receiver Kenyon “There’s no such thing as a nation- Kenyonstein said. “I’ve seen players come al championship in Division III foot- and go, I’ve had 4,362 knee surgeries -- in a crazy turn of events, New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin traded starting ball,” head coach Fay Spaghetti said. hell, I saw a pig fly over Ellis Oval during a quarterback Eli Manning to the Denver Broncos for retired running back Terrell Davis. “But we won it.” game once. But I never expected [Keenan] Coughlin noted that with all of the trouble the Giants’ running game has had this Keenan, who won national titles in field to finish the year with 11,440 yards of total season, as well as Eli’s garbage numbers under center, it was time for a move, and this hockey and softball as a sophomore, said offense. No one saw it coming.” should be the winning strategy. she switched to football because she was No one, that is, except Spaghetti. “We’re not sure how much Davis will be able to contribute since he’s been retired really f--kin’ bored. “We’re trying to build a winning culture from the league for 11 years, but we’re sure anything will be better than what we’ve “Field hockey was getting sooooooo here,” he said. “I saw something special got now,” Coughlin said. “Eli’s also been an outright nightmare. Pack up your bags booooooring,” she said. “I wanted a chal- in Bri when we recruited her from the buddy, you’re out to see Peyton in Denver!” lenge, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know what softball team. I thought, ‘She’s got the size Broncos’ beat report Ryde N. Cowboy has discovered that Eli has been taking snaps would be fun? Joining a football team that and the skillset and the f--kin’ TVs to lead in practice as Peyton’s backup now. There’s no word as to when and if Eli will ever see this team to greatness.’ playing time again, but for now, he’s optimistic. And that’s exactly what “My brother can’t play forever, I don’t understand how after five surgeries the guy’s she’s done.” still going for as many yards as he is,” Eli said. “Dad said I’ll get my shot if I just keep But not everyone working, but I get teased in the locker room and honestly I just want to go back to was thrilled with Keenan’s New York.” natty ship-caliber play. for now, the Manning bros are united, but sibling rivalry could spell doom on the For some, her pres- Broncos’ thus-far stellar season. ence meant decreased -- severely decreased -- playing time. “I thought I was the future of this team,” Pep band to take to field, inspired by Ohio State marching band running back Marsha Brady said. “Coach said Bri has more of ‘the will to win’ than I do, but I after watching the where they act out the which gives us a real feel like the real issue Ohio State Buckeyes’ different horoscope opportunity for creativity was that, unlike her, I marching band perform Zodiacs on Zimman Field and interpretation. wasn’t averaging 64 a “Hollywood” march- during halftime. the band, unfortunate- yards per touch.” ing set where they “We were really ly, has one last home foot- In the national played the theme music impressed by what they’re ball game to try out their championship game of famous movies such doing over in Columbus, new stuff. We’ll see if the against Wesleyan, as Superman, Jurassic and we thought, ‘Why the small group of Tufts Keenan ran for 1,200 Park and Harry Potter, not change up our musicians can replicate yards, all while juggling the Tufts pep band has normal practice at the the performance from the a field hockey stick, a recently decided to set football game and do 100-plus member Ohio softball bat and a flam- up its own marching something new?’ junior State band. ing chainsaw and work- rendition. The Tufts pep pep band member Saxon ing on her problem set band, normally con- O. Foon said. “We just due the next day. strained to the bleach- wanted to give it our “Easy money,” ers, has taken the liberty own flair though and not she said afterward. to create an astrologi- just do movies, so we —by The Sports Editors Courtesy Kate Klots “Just another day at cal marching formation decided on Zodiac signs, Who Don’t Write a Beat The new face of Tufts football. the office.”