TABLE of CONTENTS VOLUME 9, ISSUE 1 from the EDITOR: APRIL 2015 It Takes a Village of Idiots by Christopher J

TABLE OF CONTENTS VOLUME 9, ISSUE 1 FROM THE EDITOR: APRIL 2015 It Takes a Village of Idiots by Christopher J. Maurer ...... 3 Raleigh Kalbfleisch as Riley Kibbles and Bits Christine McTigue NEWS & EVENTS – INGRIEF 5 as Chrissie McTiggy Kathleen May Lawyers Lending A Handgun Event Expected To Be A Blast . . . 7 as Katie McMonkey McMay McBean Anthony Abear “DuPurge” Day Announced ...... 7 as Antny Carebear News ...... 9 Terrence Benshoof as The Old Guy in a Cape I, CourtSmart: The Day the Courthouse Erica Bertini as Erica I Aint Been to a Meeting All Recording System Achieved Self-Awareness ...... 11 Year DUMP Holiday Party & Clog Dance a “Massive Success” . . . 10 Jonathan Crannell as Johnny Cranks Ask A Lawyer Kim DiGiovanni “No Problem Is Too Small To Solve” ...... 12 as Kim DUI Joseph Emmerth as Ghost Writer Joey E ARTICLES 13 James McCluskey as Jimmy Cluck Cluck Whose sky is it, anyway? by Grand High Poohbah, Ross Molho Knight Templar and Keeper of the Holy Grail as Ross Mudhut Steven Mroczkowski of Donuts Terrence Benshoof ...... 13 as Stevie Rocketskis Azam Nizamuddin DCBA UPDATE 14 as Shazam Nicolodeon John Pcolinski Classifieds ...... 15 as John Pcolonoscopy Melissa Piwowar as Mellie Bee Aaron Reinke as Iron Binky TheDCBA Grief is the property of the DCBA Brief is property of the DCBA Arthur Rummler Editorial Board is property of the DCBA and anything we put in here is ours, no as Artie Bear takesies backsies . Like anyone would want to reprint this junk anyway . One might James Ryan think we would have some lawyers review this stuff before we print it . Silly readers . as Jimmy the Ripper Any ridiculous opinions, outrageous statements, uncalled for remarks and snarky Jordan Sartell as Jordan the Elegant comments are property of any fool that wants to take a chance on a libel suit, al- David Schaffer though we would be happy to attribute them to any one of our obnoxious editorial as The Other Old Guy on the Board board members or perhaps Leslie Monahan . Seriously though, we had lots of fun Michael Sitrick making fun of ourselves and our members and plan to do it again next year so be- Ted’s next Henchman ware . If anyone actually reading this thing thinks he or she is funny then send along Lawrence Stein whatever you have and we will give it to Chris Maurer who will totally change it to as Larry Beerglass reflect his own warped sense of humor; don’t worry though, we will still publish it Eric Waltmire as Eric on-Waldenpond under your name so you get allllll the credit and the flying rotten tomatoes in the Jacki Hamler parking lot . If you don’t like something we wrote about you in the Grief, or on the as Jacquenetta Ghost of bathroom walls, tough noogies and neener neener neener because we aint gonna Hamlet’s Father say sorry . APRIL 2015 1 Fifty Shades of Gray Hair Salon for DCBA Lawyers

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2 FROM THE EDITOR It Takes a Village of Idiots

BY CHRISTOPHER J . MAURER

hat you hold in your are myriad . Do some yoga (hot or village to raise a child ”. Well, in the hands is the culmina- cold) . Enter a competitive frank- case of this issue of the Grief, it took a tion of a dozen volun- furter eating challenge . Better yet — whole pack of village idiots to get this Wteer lawyers desperately trying to be read the Grief! It has fewer calories monstrosity to print, including but funny . Keep in mind, lawyers are not than a hotdog, and you won’t have to not limited to Jonathan Crannell, stand-up comedians, as most of our stick your keister in the air doing the Christine McTigue, Raleigh work is conducted sitting down . On downward-dog . Kalbfleisch, Melissa Piwowar, John the few occasions that we are stand- This is my first time editing the Pcolinski, Terrence Benshoof, and ing up, the comedy is usually un- Grief, and when our beloved Editor- many others . I want to particularly intentional and in the form of bad in-Chief, Raleigh Kalbfleisch, as- thank Jonathan Crannell for devoting cross-examination questions: “Mister signed me the task of doing so, I his time and comedic photo-shop- Smith, how far apart were the two immediately suggested we make ping talent to this issue . cars at the time of the collision?” or fun of her unusual name . She said As you can see, this year’s edi- “Miss Jones, did you survive the op- “Absolutely not!” and went on a tion of the Grief comes to you in eration?” In any event, as the editor lengthy rant about how the spelling Astounding 2-D! We looked into of this Onion-wanna-be (more of a of a person’s name is sacrosanct, and making a 3D edition with glasses shallot actually), I take full respon- some other powerful points that I’ve and all, but that stuff costs some sibility for the inevitable eye-rolls, since forgotten . Just ask our illustri- serious coin, and someone (Jacki head-scratching, and disgusted letters ous Chief Judge . However, we need Hamler) blew this year’s budget on to the editor — the “nyuk” stops here . to fill space in this rag, so without McDonalds Monopoly Game Pieces However, I will not be blamed for the further ado, here are the common (If anyone has Boardwalk, please see dirty limerick on page 16 that was alternative pronunciations and spell- me at the ARC) . published over my specific objection . ings for “Raleigh Kalbfleisch”: A “pop-up” book concept was I will now pause while everyone turns • Roasted Catfish; also developed for consideration, but to page 16 . . . • Ritz Cracker-feast; the bounds of decency preclude me The day-to-day practice of law is • Roaring Car-fire; from describing it . Suffice it to say, serious business, but if we don’t re- • Really Cold-out; and the only way I was able to nix that mind ourselves to laugh, to breathe, • Rue McClanahan; god-awful idea was to agree to leave and to transcend the often grim facts The next time you’re dealing with in that dirty limerick on page 16 . I of the cases we handle, we might Ms . McClanahan in court, feel free to will pause again so everyone can turn just burn out or twist ourselves into use any of these alternatives . again to page 16 . . emotional knots . The ways to un- I believe it was Rowdy Roddy Now, on with the full frontal wind after a hard day of lawyering Piper who once said, “It takes a stupidity! □

APRIL 2015 3 Chief JudgeWs Chamber of Secrets DuPage CountyWs Courtroom Assignment System Revealedj

After years of headxscratchingO our investigative reporters have uncovered the secret method of judicial courtroom assignment in DuPage CountyH The system is simple: each judge has his or her face on a Plinko chip and each year the chief judge lets the chips fall where they mayH When asked if she thought the system was fairO Judge Creswell shook her Magic 8 Ball and repliedOp .Signs point to yesH.p

Our team had a chance to break the news to Judge Russo who muttered under his breathOp.wellOp this explains a lotH. He declined to comment further citing a need to pack his belongings for yet another moveH

1 4 3 2 2 4 4 2 3 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 0 1 0 1 0 3 2 7 1 5 7 2 6

4 NEWS & EVENTS

INGRIEF BY TERRENCE BENSHOOF udges’ Nite 40th Anniversary elevations of Associate Judges had put security . As before, dangerous items, Show This year’s event marked quite a time burden on the Judiciary such as weapons, explosives, knives, the 40th anniversary edition of Committee . In an effort to meet the sharp wits, and sharp tongues will not Jthe annual fundraiser and judicial deadlines imposed by the Circuit’s need be allowed in the building . slap-fight, and it topped all past per- for quick action, the Committee rules Our DCBA People InGrief formances in the money and bad for recommendations were changed . continues to scoop the media out- jokes category . Producer Christina To receive a favorable recommendation lets for those news items about our Morrison attributed the success to the in the future, candidates must simply membership . added time to mingle, the additional indicate whether they are currently, InGrief has scoured the DCBA bars with bartenders that significantly have been or will be: 1 . An Assistant Membership Directory, and notes over-poured, and the spectacular silent State’s Attorney; 2 . An Assistant Public a number of “new firms we’d like auction prizes available . InGrief notes, Defender; 3 . A friend or neighbor of to see”: The Knight & Day firm . however, that the big money in the a Supreme Court Justice; or, 4 . John Or Stock and Bonds . And there’d silent auction was spent on the right Pcolinski . be the interesting combination to cancel the singing duet of Nick Budget Crisis The budget pro- of Fish, Sturgeon, Bass & Krill, Nelson and Jeff Jacobson,which had posals by the Bruce Rauner admin- Byrne, Byrne, Byrne, Byrne; Berns been the highlight act from which the istration have put strains on the court & Harth . How about Small, Casas name of the show had been developed . system, resulting in several changes the real estate firm? Diamond and DCBA Presidency In prepara- around the courts in an effort to raise Hruby or Carbon, Ates? Would a tion for the presidency of Jay Laraia, funds for necessities . Reviving a pro- merger of DuPage and Cook practi- the Justinian Society will open a pasta posal from past court administrations, tioners work, under the heading of and pizza concession in the ARC . This reserved parking spaces in the outdoor Bird & Katz? What about the Pope new feature will be in addition to the lot will be auctioned, with the pro- and Bishop establishment? Without continued Donut Thursday . The mem- ceeds used to cover the deficit in the doubt, Butcher, Baker, Miller & bership of the DCBA is still pushing court reporters’ budget . Mike and Pat Cook would be very compatible! for a wet bar, since- let’s face it- some Edgerton will be charged pasture fees They could easily merge with a days in the courthouse just make it a for feed and corral space on the adja- Coffey & Coco firm as well . necessity . cent Fair Grounds . A Hunt & Peck firm would eas- This year’s election for Third Vice In addition, new mini-lockers ily work, while a Hunt & Chase firm President developed a never-before- will be installed in the foyer area of would be more aggressive in finding cli- seen twist, as seemingly unopposed the courthouse, with fees charged to ents; but Fox & Wolfe should be wary candidate Matt Pfeiffersuddenly those who forgot to leave cell phones of them . King & Earl sounds quite found himself in a run-off with last and other prohibited items at home or courtly, while Opal & Diamond would minute entry “Chuy” Garcia . Garcia in their cars . Sheriff John Zaruba has make a gem of a team . The Doerr, Bell said he was just hedging his bets if he voiced opposition to this concept in firm? Ketchum, Bond, Judge & Jaile couldn’t upset Rahm . the past, for security reasons, but these might be a bit too Grimm & Gross . In the Committees The re- concerns have been allayed by mak- Perhaps the personal injury firm of cent rapid turn-over of judges in the ing the lockers clear plexiglass, with a Bump & Dent? InGrief’s brain is tired 18th Circuit due to retirements and master key available to the doorway now, so until next year… . □ APRIL 2015 5 Heybman,bIbthinkbyou hadbcourtbyesterday...

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6 TY BAR A UN S O SO C C E IA G T A I P O

u N D Lawyers Lending A

DCBA Handgun Event Expected Sin 9 ce 187 To Be A Blast The DCBA Brief is a publication of the DuPage County Bar Association 126 South County Farm Road alling traffic school atten- on serving this important need in our Wheaton Illinois 60187 dance and increased interest county,” says ad hoc Chair David (630) 653-7779 in concealed carry permits Sigale. The committee will offer its Fhave led the Lawyers Lending a Hand help in completing the application Lynn Cavallo— Lt. Cdr Joanne Galloway committee of the DCBA to plan a free of charge and the association will James Laraia— Lawyers Lending a Handgun event . charge reasonable fees for the use of Lt. Daniel Kaffee The basement of the Bar Center will the indoor range . “I think it’s a great Ted Donner— Capt. Jack Ross be transformed into a gun range and idea . Up until now all we have used Gerry Cassioppi— all manner of instruction in proper that basement for is board meetings Lt. Sam Weinberg handling of firearms and assistance where people just shoot their mouths Pat Hurley— with the application process will be of- off,” quipped former DCBA President Lt. Jonathan Kendrick fered . “We’re pleased to set our sights Sharon “Loose Cannon” Mulyk. □ Greg Adamo— Col. Nathan Jessup Mark Bishop— Pfc Louden Downey John Pleviak— Dr. Stone Art Rummler— Lt. Col. Matthew Markinson “DuPurge” Day Announced Leslie Monahan— Bailiff Katie Becker— or those of you unfamiliar with when attorneys will be free to ignore Guard 1 the award winning film The notice requirements for motions, page Terry Benshoof— Purge and it’s equally powerful restrictions for briefs, check-in times Pfc. William Santiago Fsequel, The Purge: Anarchy,the premise for court appearances, and the general Kim Davis— is simple: The government establishes rules of civility . This means that prac- Guard 2 Pat Edgerton— one night a year (known as the Purge), titioners on the 3rd floor will be calling Man in bar during which all crimes are considered the day “business as usual” . Jim Harkness— legal, and police and emergency ser- Judges will also celebrate the Another Man in bar vices are shut down, to promote soci- DuPurge by ignoring the rules of evi- Stacey McCullough— etal catharsis and healing . As a result, dence, making snide comments from Aunt Ginny Miller crime rates go down for the rest of the the bench, throwing away courtesy Wendy Musielak— Capt. Whitaker year and everything is rainbows and copies in the trash without reading John Pcolinski— sunshine . Adapting this concept, the them, and posting to Facebook during definitely not Judge Randolph Wellness committee of the DCBA has closing arguments . This means that Matt Pfeiffer— requested and received approval for a practitioners on all floors will also be Capt. North one-day dispensation from the Illinois calling the day “business as usual” . Chantelle Porter— Supreme Court Rules, Code of Civil The DuPage Sheriff’s office will Capt. West Jim McCluskey— Procedure, and local circuit rules . also be joining in the fun . Anyone Airman Cecil O’Malley DCBA Wellness Committee not wearing an officially sanctioned John Pankau— Chair Skippy Hurley has announced Don’t Taze Me Bro! T-Shirt will be fair Airman Anthony Rodriguez that May 29th will be “the DuPurge” game . □ APRIL 2015 7 ANNOUNCING THE NEW DCBA CHAPTER OF

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8 News

The entire DCBA Brief Editorial Announcing new Local Rule 666 . the lives of these litigation happy “fre- Board loses in the first round of the Presiding Judge Kathryn Creswell, quent fliers” that have nothing better Scrips Spelling Bee . with the help of Domestic Relations to do than harass his or her former Chief Judge Blanche Fawell, an- spouse . Is someone nounces the institution being a big meanie of Local Rule 666 . This Justinian’s President Joseph and sending hurt- Rule allows all domes- Glimco introduces DuPage ful text messages tic relations judges to County’s newest Associate Judge, that the judge instantly remarry those Sven O’Goolie. Judge O’Goolie must read? Are pro se litigants that ei- has extensive experience in night you just dying ther appear in court more court and currently hosts his own to watch cute vid- than once per month for television show . Judge O’Goolie is eos of kitties on frivolous matters that are also a horror movie buff and said YouTube during clearly intended to harass that he will show clips of his fa- breaks in trial? Do the other party or those that vorite movies during court breaks . you practice mostly file cross-petitions regard- Unfortunately, due to overcrowd- east of 294 and can’t ing stuff that is just stupid . ing in the judge’s chambers, Judge get your phone in the Judge Fawell said it was for O’Goolie’s chambers will be located courthouse because the protection of all the in- in the basement, but we have it on you are too stinking nocent people out there that good authority that he is pleased cheap to pay $25 to could possibly be sucked into with the location . □ get a pass? Problem solved . D .A .W .L . an- nounces P .M .S . The Phone Mule System is a new initiative to raise money for the DuPage Association of Women Lawyers scholarship fund and make sure that everyone has the opportunity to sneak a cell phone into the courthouse . For a small convenience fee of $10 .00 per carry (or the cost of bail if nabbed with the contraband) anyone can now bring a phone into court and share those cutting text messages, fall in love with those cute baby animals or just send ran- dom tweets while waiting for the case to be called .

APRIL 2015 9 DUMP Holiday Party & Clog Dance a “Massive Success”

ost of our readers are fa- enough to have an active voice in the blocks of life as we know it . But these miliar with the DuPage legal community but still small enough guys are pretty cool and they dress nice, Association of Women that its members don’t get bound up so I stuck around ”. LawyersM (DAWL) and the great work in administrative red tape . DUMP is a Flushed with the success of their they do in the local legal community . unique legal association, and although recent recruitment drive, DUMP However many may not be aware of its original mission was to provide ended the year on a strong note with DAWL’s brother-organization, the support, encouragement and practice its Holiday Party and Clog Dance DuPage Union of Male Paralegals pointers for the male members of the Competition . Naperville attorney (DUMP) which is straining to achieve paralegal profession, it now draws from Jeffrey Van Dyke was quoted as saying, similar recognition in the County and a broad spectrum of both men and “My people invented wooden shoe clog throughout the State . women . dancing. I know wooden shoe clogging, DUMP was formed in 2011, when One female member of the orga- and boy-o-boy, let me tell you, DUMP a group of men working as paralegals nization (who asks to remain anon- was really clogging it up on the dance in DuPage gathered at a local watering ymous) said, “I’m an organic chem- floor this year!” hole to complain about the obnoxious ist who joined DUMP by mistake . I Be sure to buy your tickets in ad- lawyers that they were obliged to deal thought they were a group devoted to vance for this spring’s DUMP family with on a daily basis . The growth of studying deoxyuridine monophos- picnic . There will be live music and DUMP over the last few years has been phate (dUMP), which is my favorite a dump, er, dunk tank, that’s sure to massive . It is now an organization large nucleotide and one of the building make a big splash . □

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10 DCBA GRIEF I, CourtSmart The Day the Courthouse Recording System Achieved Self-Awareness

ecember 31, 2014 will be re- 2ND DISTRICT HOLDING IN “Dave” after recording a lengthy and membered as the day when SMITH V . WOLLENSKY (citation confusing hearing involving attor- everything changed . After omitted)…” or “…TESTIMONY neys David Winthers and David Dthe HAL 9000 Supercomputer de- DISCREPANCY – PAGE 15 Keay. Later that same week, SAL feated Gary Kasparov in twelve straight WITNESS STATES HE DRANK was able to take control of the doors games of checkers, it was decided by “A COUPLE BEERS”…PAGE 22 in some of the courtrooms with dis- Chief Judge Creswell, that it was time WITNESS STATES HE DRANK “A turbing results . When a litigant from to experiment with mak- the new Pro Se court call tried ing the in-court record- to leave in a huff before his ing system more efficient hearing was over and found through the introduction them locked, Judge Sexton of Artificial Intelligence . demanded that SAL open the A pilot program was ini- courtroom doors . SAL re- tiated through which SAL sponded in a soothing mono- 4500 (a cheaper version of tone: “I’m sorry Dave . I’m the HAL) was allowed to afraid I can’t do that ”. link to Court-Smart for Efforts to prematurely the purpose of speeding end the program are under- up transcript turnaround way, and a technician from and translating the mut- Skynet Tech Services has been ters and mumbles of called in to deactivate the SAL mush-mouthed movants . system and disconnect it from At first things went CourtSmart; however the dis- well, but within months connection process has been of installation a number slow-going . The technician of troubling bugs devel- (who looks suspiciously like oped . First, because SAL had access FEW BEERS”…RECOMMEND Arnold Schwarzenegger), when asked to Westlaw, it began making brack- ISSUANCE OF PERJURY about his progress, immediately walks eted comments in the printed re- COMPLAINT…”) . away while making such cryptic re- ports of proceedings (“…FLAWED Another glitch developed when sponses as, “I’ll be back,” or “Hasta la ARGUMENT- CONTRARY TO SAL began referring to everyone as vista, baby ”. □

APRIL 2015 11 Ask A Lawyer “No Problem Is Too Small To Solve”

ote to Readers: For future issues, please remember this is a legal advice column, and that you should limit your submissions to legal questions. Our on-staff columnist is a lawyer and, as such, Nis not adequately equipped to provide advice that is relevant to the mundane realities of life. Dear Ask a Lawyer: I have chip- me to see Cannibal Holocaust at the to know . Engage your son in a dialogue munks living under my deck . I’ve Siskel Film Center . What should we about the multiplication tables . When heard that chipmunks carry rabies do? Signed, Morticia Munster . he asks you “What’s 9 x 8”, you can ask and other filthy diseases . I’m afraid to Dear Morticia: Sounds like him whether virtue requires nine to be sit outside . How can I get rid of them? irreconcilable differences to me . multiplied by eight . Wearing a toga Signed, Dave Seville . Divorce is often cited as the second and spouting phrases in dead languages Dear Dave: Your situation raises most traumatic life event that a per- such as Latin or Ancient Greek will many legal issues . These chipmunks son can endure . Know what the most help too . have no legal right to be squatting on traumatic life event is? You guessed your property . Given that the average it… .having to watch a Jennifer Dear Ask-a-Lawyer: Golf season lifespan of a chipmunk is 3 years, it is Aniston film . Subjecting a spouse will soon be here . Last year, I was hav- doubtful that they can make a claim of to bad film choices constitutes ha- ing trouble with my short game . Do adverse possession . As a homeowner, rassment and may be grounds for an you have any ideas? Signed, Tiger . you have a right to quiet enjoyment of order of protection . Call a divorce Dear Tiger: Clearly your putter is your property, and you have a potential lawyer immediately . defective . Presumably this has caused nuisance cause of action against them . you to lose several rounds of golf and Alternatively, you can file a forcible Dear Ask a Lawyer: My son is has inflicted upon you great emotional entry and detainer action . Whatever having trouble learning his multiplica- distress . The fact that you contacted the case may be, you need to hire a law- tion tables . He says if he learns them, Ask-a-Lawyer is prima facie evidence of yer – stat! they will take up too much of his brain such distress . Contact an attorney who space . Do you have any advice to make specializes in product liability litigation Dear Ask a Lawyer: My husband learning fun? Signed, Frustrated Mom . immediately . It won’t improve your and I can never agree on a movie to see . Dear Mom: Learning is fun… .as short game, but you may be able to I cannot sit through one more Jennifer long as you use the Socratic Method . afford that sweet set of Callaway Irons Aniston film, and he refuses to go with This is how I learned everything I need you’ve been lusting after . □

12 DCBA GRIEF ARTICLES

Whose sky is it, anyway?

BY GRAND HIGH POOHBAH, KNIGHT TEMPLAR AND KEEPER OF THE HOLY GRAIL OF DONUTS TERRENCE BENSHOOF

n the early 1900’s, Orville and Wilbur Wright built and flew the first airplane, with the inau- gural flight, at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, lasting only about a minute .1 Not only did the nadvent the early of modern 1900’s, flightOrville open and Wilbura new era Wright of travel, built it andalso flewpoked the some first majorairplane, holes within legal the inaudoc- Itrines dating to Roman times . To the Romans, the concept was known as the ad1 coelum doctrine: gural flight, at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, lasting only about a minute . Not only did the translatedadvent from of modern the Latin, flight it meantopen a thatnew theera ownerof travel, of itland also not poked only some owned major the landholes andin legal the soildoc- trinesIbeneath, dating but toalso Roman the air times above . To that the land Romans, up to the the very concept heavens was .known as the ad coelum doctrine: translated1 Their baggage from was thelast seen Latin, in Des Moines.it meant that the owner of land not only owned the land and the soil beneath, but also the air above that land up to the very heavens . As passenger and freight transportation by air devel- passenger aircraft now large enough to fly while carrying oped over the years, this concept became extremely out- the entire population of Des Moines .5 moded . As early as 1926, Congress took action to deal Ironically, after decades of faster, larger aircraft populat- with the question of over-flights, and whether such over- ing the skies, something new appeared in the heavens-or at flights amount to a compensable trespass .2 Having covered least the lower heavens: drones . These unmanned denizens of the problems of Ford Tri-Motors and other little Fokkers, the heavens have no pilots6 while plying the skies to gather in- air travel expanded and advanced, land owners went un- telligence information, report on traffic congestion or the po- compensated, and all was well . In 1938, Congress added sition of Chris Kachiroubas’ medical marijuana fields, assist the Civil Aeronautics Act3 to account for faster and higher with prison break-outs, or put an occasional Hellfire missile over-flights . up somebody’s tailpipe . Although still in early testing stages, World War II saw the introduction of jet aircraft, they may be extremely useful for taking paparazzi photos of and the progress in aircraft type, speed and capacity was, the Kardashians, in various locations around the globe . so to speak, moving to new heights . By the 1970s, there With the advent of the drones come both new difficul- were even passenger aircraft that travelled across oceans ties and new opportunities . The primary interpretations of at speeds greater than the speed of sound 4. After the next century turned, even greater advances were seen, with CONTINUED ON PAGE 15

1 Their baggage was last seen in Des Moines. 5 Their baggage was last seen open and lying in a dumpster 2 Air Commerce Act of 1926, 49 U.S.C. §171 behind TSA headquarters. 3 49 U.S.C. §401 6 Except for a bunch of former “gamers” who reside in caves in 4 The baggage was last seen in Schenectady. Utah, and fly these babies with joysticks. APRIL 2015 13 DCBA UPDATE

Leslie’s Latest

BY LESLIE MONAHAN1

fter last year’s DuPage County the Attorney Resource Center . That it’s all so terrible, but what can you do Human Race 5k to benefit the same day, an attorney in the hallway to help?” Bar Foundation, the pastor was venting her frustrations over the Well, we are going to start by atA my church mentioned that he was topping selections for the CLE sem- providing members opportunities for starting his own crossfit program . He inar . Respecting the attorney client therapy sessions with my favorite gang also discussed his recent experiment privilege, I did not listen in to hear the of attorneys: the Coffee Clatch . It will with gluten free living . It’s a “lifestyle specifics . I just saw the client standing be called “Therapy Thursdays” and choice” he explained . The very next there with a straight face letting the located in the ARC where there’s al- sentence, he mentioned how his attor- lawyer vocalize her emotions . As she ways one of the gang hanging around . ney friends talk about all the free CLE entered the ARC later, I mentioned at- One on one or group sessions will be events they’ve been attending and torneys should probably not be eating available as participation permits . how regular citizens wouldn’t want pizza anyway . “Added to all the stress, Obviously we’ll also be removing all to see “how much pizza they eat ”. By it can’t be very good for you ”. Her re- gluten food products from all DCBA the end of the sermon this article was sponse was a terse “then I’ve got to get events as well! These will be core bene- bouncing around in my head . Plus last a new job ”. fits to being a DCBA member and they week, I attended some ABA confer- Only a few months into this job, I are going to help you, and your business ence where everyone was talking about realized that a lot of your work is terri- to boot . I plan to have the Executive running law firms like businesses . That bly stressful . I’m talking to the lawyers Director’s Executive Committee ap- same weekend, I read an article in the here mostly — and anyone working prove this program immediately . Since Huffington Post, which I then fact on the third floor, I guess . You see our we can only control what you eat when checked with Fox News . It turns out community at its worst, whether it’s you are eating with us, we encourage companies are offering incentives to fighting over committee chair assign- all our members to get more involved their employees for being healthy and ments, the last bag of Fritos or pre- enrolling in wellness programs . So I ferred Judges’ Nite seating . For most Leslie Monahan is the Executive thought to myself, why can’t we apply of you, you will never be truly happy Overlord and Decision Maker in all those ideas to the DCBA? with the end result . Do you suffer from Chief of the DuPage County Bar Where do we start you ask? As joint inflammation, bloating, irritabil- Association and the DuPage County Little Caesar once said — “Pizza, ity, skin rashes, diarrhea, constipation Bar Foundation and she likes it. She Pizza!” As a staff, we regularly see you or acid reflux? Is it the stress? Is it the graduated college and worked as Head interact with your donuts and pizza gluten? How do you know? Could be Band Leader before being promoted in the courthouse . A few weeks ago, I both . I looked it up on the internet and to Executive Herder with some other heard an attorney talking about how he stress and gluten can cause the same professional sounding association prior “forgot” his donut and held up a hear- symptoms . Can you think of one at- to joining the DCBA, forever ago. She ing in a custody dispute to run back to torney that doesn’t suffer from one of previously worked with the Chicago these conditions? I didn’t think so . So Chapter of the American Association of 1 Not Really. I was thinking to myself, I said “Leslie, Normal and Well Adjusted People. 14 DCBA GRIEF with more committee work . The more DCBA luncheons, seminars, meetings and social events you attend the more we can help you stay gluten free! What about those outlets for stress? The DCBA may just be able to help with that . How about exercise? We have the annual DuPage Human Race 5K on April 25th! Enjoy writing? We have a very fine publication called the DCBA Brief! Travel? Join the DCBA at a real estate seminar in Lisle and earn 2 hours of MCLE! If you are having trouble coming up with something, call me . I’m always willing to tell our members where to go . The DCBA Board of Directors knows how committed I am . I want let you know if there is something County Bar Association that is in- to make sure you know that DCBA more or different that we could be flammation-less, bloat-less, irrita- cares about you . We are here to sup- doing . With any hope this time next ble-less, rash-less, diarrhea-less, con- port you . But please, as always, I will year we will have built a DuPage stipation-less and acid reflux-less . □

WHOSE SKY IS IT ANYWAY? CONTINUED FROM PAGE 13 the ad coelum doctrine over the years Terry Benshoof, A recent study by Dr . Hugo von were geared to large aircraft in a com- also known Brummen, of the Flugzug Institut in mercial or military setting, over-flying as that weird Leipzig, has focused on yet another as- property at great altitudes . Drones, by old guy, is pect of drone over-flights that is, per- contrast, are not only much smaller a ‘licensed’ haps, the most potentially feared possi- attorney but, except for certain military applica- bility of all . Dr . von Brummen pointed in Illinois and a member of the The tions7 are used at low speed and low alti- out in a recent paper that the combi- Knights of the Apocalypse, noted for tudes . In addition to numerous Fourth nation of great numbers of drones in their peculiar habits, such as bringing Amendment considerations, the drones swords to work and wearing clothing flight, coupled with the vast number can also be quite the nuisance to the with an elaborately drawn star of cash-starved governmental entities, average landowner . These aspects have on the front of their suit coats; the could lead to institutions of enormous been the topic of study in many law Baldknobbers who often wear their numbers and levels of fees imposed on schools throughout the world . coats backward and sport odd, horned the landowners, as well as on the flyers For centuries, trespass cases have masks; The Beefsteak Club, devoted of the drones 8. The professor has indi- lodged in matters of overhanging eaves, exclusively to how awesome steak is cated that much more study will have building lines, or even trees . Could the and the Shooting Times Woodcock club to be done in the area of revenue collec- same doctrines now apply to miniscule where a member must “achieve a right- tion with respect to drone over-flights, drones buzzing around a landowner’s and-left at woodcock [without lowering since too heavy an imposition of fees sanctuary? Could the land owner sue his or her gun] before two witnesses. could cause a real buzz-kill with respect for damages, or perhaps even collect With all these extracurricular activities to this area of modern-day aviation . □ charges, similar to a toll, for over-flights and costume making it is a wonder that by drones above his property? Terry had the time to write this pithy 8 Naturally, any such collections would and timeless article. have to be fees, since all politicians have vowed to have no new taxes. 7 If we told you, we’d have to kill you.

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Editor’s Note: Readers should know that no one in any position of authority really condones anything that gets printed in the DCBA Grief, especially anything that could be construed to reflect poorly on the DuPage County Bar Association, the DuPage Judiciary, our beloved elected officials or the legal profession in general .

16 DCBA GRIEF Help the New Lawyer Find his Way. Wooly Konetski NewElawyer Ned is nervous he wonYt be able to find his way to his first court appearance in DuPage Judge KonetskiYs everEchanging follicular fashion is now at the whims of our readersG Draw Judge KonetskiYs CountyG Can you help Ned find his way to Judge SutterYs courtroom before his case is DWPYd? new JdoJ and submit your suggestion to his clerk for consideration in KTU6.

Criminal Contempt.CC

1 minutes late? DuPage County JailG

SUCCESS.C

Five OYClock Shadow.C Doughnut Coma.C Spot the Difference Does the photograph on the right truly and accurately display the scene shown in the picture on the left? NewElawyer Ned found his way to Judge SutterYs courtroom. You were selected for a You get sick eating pastries Jcompletely randomJC in the ARC. patdown searchG LEGAL JARGON Draw a line between the legal mumboEjumbo and its definitionG

Spreading the Death of Record Forum non Conveniens Prima Facie Evidence Fruit of the Poisonous Tree Dicta APRIL 2015 17 Help the New Lawyer Find his Way. Wooly Konetski NewElawyer Ned is nervous he wonYt be able to find his way to his first court appearance in DuPage Judge KonetskiYs everEchanging follicular fashion is now at the whims of our readersG Draw Judge KonetskiYs CountyG Can you help Ned find his way to Judge SutterYs courtroom before his case is DWPYd? new JdoJ and submit your suggestion to his clerk for consideration in KTU6.

Criminal Contempt.CC

1 minutes late? DuPage County JailG

SUCCESS.C

Spreading the Death of Record Forum non Conveniens Prima Facie Evidence Fruit of the Poisonous Tree Dicta 18 DCBA GRIEF