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TABLE of CONTENTS VOLUME 9, ISSUE 1 from the EDITOR: APRIL 2015 It Takes a Village of Idiots by Christopher J

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TABLE of CONTENTS VOLUME 9, ISSUE 1 from the EDITOR: APRIL 2015 It Takes a Village of Idiots by Christopher J TABLE OF CONTENTS VOLUME 9, ISSUE 1 FROM THE EDITOR: APRIL 2015 It Takes a Village of Idiots by Christopher J. Maurer . 3 Raleigh Kalbfleisch as Riley Kibbles and Bits Christine McTigue NEWS & EVENTS – INGRIEF 5 as Chrissie McTiggy Kathleen May Lawyers Lending A Handgun Event Expected To Be A Blast . 7 as Katie McMonkey McMay McBean Anthony Abear “DuPurge” Day Announced . 7 as Antny Carebear News . 9 Terrence Benshoof as The Old Guy in a Cape I, CourtSmart: The Day the Courthouse Erica Bertini as Erica I Aint Been to a Meeting All Recording System Achieved Self-Awareness . 11 Year DUMP Holiday Party & Clog Dance a “Massive Success” . 10 Jonathan Crannell as Johnny Cranks Ask A Lawyer Kim DiGiovanni “No Problem Is Too Small To Solve” . 12 as Kim DUI Joseph Emmerth as Ghost Writer Joey E ARTICLES 13 James McCluskey as Jimmy Cluck Cluck Whose sky is it, anyway? by Grand High Poohbah, Ross Molho Knight Templar and Keeper of the Holy Grail as Ross Mudhut Steven Mroczkowski of Donuts Terrence Benshoof . 13 as Stevie Rocketskis Azam Nizamuddin DCBA UPDATE 14 as Shazam Nicolodeon John Pcolinski Classifieds . 15 as John Pcolonoscopy Melissa Piwowar as Mellie Bee Aaron Reinke as Iron Binky TheDCBA Grief is the property of the DCBA Brief is property of the DCBA Arthur Rummler Editorial Board is property of the DCBA and anything we put in here is ours, no as Artie Bear takesies backsies . Like anyone would want to reprint this junk anyway . One might James Ryan think we would have some lawyers review this stuff before we print it . Silly readers . as Jimmy the Ripper Any ridiculous opinions, outrageous statements, uncalled for remarks and snarky Jordan Sartell as Jordan the Elegant comments are property of any fool that wants to take a chance on a libel suit, al- David Schaffer though we would be happy to attribute them to any one of our obnoxious editorial as The Other Old Guy on the Board board members or perhaps Leslie Monahan . Seriously though, we had lots of fun Michael Sitrick making fun of ourselves and our members and plan to do it again next year so be- Ted’s next Henchman ware . If anyone actually reading this thing thinks he or she is funny then send along Lawrence Stein whatever you have and we will give it to Chris Maurer who will totally change it to as Larry Beerglass reflect his own warped sense of humor; don’t worry though, we will still publish it Eric Waltmire as Eric on-Waldenpond under your name so you get allllll the credit and the flying rotten tomatoes in the Jacki Hamler parking lot . If you don’t like something we wrote about you in the Grief, or on the as Jacquenetta Ghost of bathroom walls, tough noogies and neener neener neener because we aint gonna Hamlet’s Father say sorry . APRIL 2015 1 Fifty Shades of Gray Hair Salon for DCBA Lawyers Is the sadistic pace of your law practice giving you more gray hairs than you’d like? Come in for the full treatment. Smack that hair back into submission! You’re bound to love the way you look. You won’t leave until we’re satisfied! 2 FROM THE EDITOR It Takes a Village of Idiots BY CHRISTOPHER J . MAURER hat you hold in your are myriad . Do some yoga (hot or village to raise a child ”. Well, in the hands is the culmina- cold) . Enter a competitive frank- case of this issue of the Grief, it took a tion of a dozen volun- furter eating challenge . Better yet — whole pack of village idiots to get this Wteer lawyers desperately trying to be read the Grief! It has fewer calories monstrosity to print, including but funny . Keep in mind, lawyers are not than a hotdog, and you won’t have to not limited to Jonathan Crannell, stand-up comedians, as most of our stick your keister in the air doing the Christine McTigue, Raleigh work is conducted sitting down . On downward-dog . Kalbfleisch, Melissa Piwowar, John the few occasions that we are stand- This is my first time editing the Pcolinski, Terrence Benshoof, and ing up, the comedy is usually un- Grief, and when our beloved Editor- many others . I want to particularly intentional and in the form of bad in-Chief, Raleigh Kalbfleisch, as- thank Jonathan Crannell for devoting cross-examination questions: “Mister signed me the task of doing so, I his time and comedic photo-shop- Smith, how far apart were the two immediately suggested we make ping talent to this issue . cars at the time of the collision?” or fun of her unusual name . She said As you can see, this year’s edi- “Miss Jones, did you survive the op- “Absolutely not!” and went on a tion of the Grief comes to you in eration?” In any event, as the editor lengthy rant about how the spelling Astounding 2-D! We looked into of this Onion-wanna-be (more of a of a person’s name is sacrosanct, and making a 3D edition with glasses shallot actually), I take full respon- some other powerful points that I’ve and all, but that stuff costs some sibility for the inevitable eye-rolls, since forgotten . Just ask our illustri- serious coin, and someone (Jacki head-scratching, and disgusted letters ous Chief Judge . However, we need Hamler) blew this year’s budget on to the editor — the “nyuk” stops here . to fill space in this rag, so without McDonalds Monopoly Game Pieces However, I will not be blamed for the further ado, here are the common (If anyone has Boardwalk, please see dirty limerick on page 16 that was alternative pronunciations and spell- me at the ARC) . published over my specific objection . ings for “Raleigh Kalbfleisch”: A “pop-up” book concept was I will now pause while everyone turns • Roasted Catfish; also developed for consideration, but to page 16 . • Ritz Cracker-feast; the bounds of decency preclude me The day-to-day practice of law is • Roaring Car-fire; from describing it . Suffice it to say, serious business, but if we don’t re- • Really Cold-out; and the only way I was able to nix that mind ourselves to laugh, to breathe, • Rue McClanahan; god-awful idea was to agree to leave and to transcend the often grim facts The next time you’re dealing with in that dirty limerick on page 16 . I of the cases we handle, we might Ms . McClanahan in court, feel free to will pause again so everyone can turn just burn out or twist ourselves into use any of these alternatives . again to page 16 . emotional knots . The ways to un- I believe it was Rowdy Roddy Now, on with the full frontal wind after a hard day of lawyering Piper who once said, “It takes a stupidity! □ APRIL 2015 3 Chief JudgeWs Chamber of Secrets DuPage CountyWs Courtroom Assignment System Revealedj After years of headxscratchingO our investigative reporters have uncovered the secret method of judicial courtroom assignment in DuPage CountyH The system is simple: each judge has his or her face on a Plinko chip and each year the chief judge lets the chips fall where they mayH When asked if she thought the system was fairO Judge Creswell shook her Magic 8 Ball and repliedO .Signs point to yesH. Our team had a chance to break the news to Judge Russo who muttered under his breathO .wellO this explains a lotH. He declined to comment further citing a need to pack his belongings for yet another moveH 1 4 3 2 2 4 4 2 3 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 3 0 1 0 1 0 3 2 7 1 5 7 2 6 4 NEWS & EVENTS INGRIEF BY TERRENCE BENSHOOF udges’ Nite 40th Anniversary elevations of Associate Judges had put security . As before, dangerous items, Show This year’s event marked quite a time burden on the Judiciary such as weapons, explosives, knives, the 40th anniversary edition of Committee . In an effort to meet the sharp wits, and sharp tongues will not Jthe annual fundraiser and judicial deadlines imposed by the Circuit’s need be allowed in the building . slap-fight, and it topped all past per- for quick action, the Committee rules Our DCBA People InGrief formances in the money and bad for recommendations were changed . continues to scoop the media out- jokes category . Producer Christina To receive a favorable recommendation lets for those news items about our Morrison attributed the success to the in the future, candidates must simply membership . added time to mingle, the additional indicate whether they are currently, InGrief has scoured the DCBA bars with bartenders that significantly have been or will be: 1 . An Assistant Membership Directory, and notes over-poured, and the spectacular silent State’s Attorney; 2 . An Assistant Public a number of “new firms we’d like auction prizes available . InGrief notes, Defender; 3 . A friend or neighbor of to see”: The Knight & Day firm . however, that the big money in the a Supreme Court Justice; or, 4 . John Or Stock and Bonds . And there’d silent auction was spent on the right Pcolinski . be the interesting combination to cancel the singing duet of Nick Budget Crisis The budget pro- of Fish, Sturgeon, Bass & Krill, Nelson and Jeff Jacobson,which had posals by the Bruce Rauner admin- Byrne, Byrne, Byrne, Byrne; Berns been the highlight act from which the istration have put strains on the court & Harth .
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