page 2 the paper february 3, 2009

Don’t worry, Fordham, we totally quit smoking as our New Year’s Resolution.

But the great thing about quitting is, you can always have one more.

We’ve got a new staff. Check us out on the left, and also see page 9.

Every issue online & blog posts about everything and nothing. Check us out online: fupaper.wordpress.com

Fan mail? Hate mail? “Awkward Valentine’s Day Gifts” Write to us! Editors-in-Chief Bobby “Divorce Papers” Cardos the paper Alex “Breakfast on the Toilet” Gibbons c/o Offi ce of Student Leadership and Community Development Executive Editors Fordham University Sean “Syphillis” Kelly Bronx, NY 10458 Emily “Arranged Marriage” Genetta [email protected] News Editors the paper, Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, com- Alex “Hemlock” Orf ment, and review, is a product solely of the students. No part of the publication Sean “Johnny Rockets Giftcard” Bandfi eld may be reproduced without written consent of the editors. the paper is produced using Adobe InDesign, Adobe Photoshop, Microsoft Word, and the incredibly Arts Editors hard work of the people to the right. Photos are “borrowed” from Internet sites like: www.google.com, www.imdb.com, www.nambla.org, www.rollingstone. Kaitlin “Shake Weight” Campbell com, www.cnn.com. Sorry mom, subscriptions are not available. Ad rates are Mickie “Edible Granny Panties” Meinhardt unreasonable – don’t ask. Open staff meetings are held Tuesdays at 8PM near our offi ce, McGinley B-57, in The Ramskellar, located in the basement of McGinley. Features & List Editor Articles and letters to the editor may be submitted via e-mail to paper.fordham@ Marisa “Dead Dove” Carroll gmail.com, or scrawled incoherently in White-Out on back issues of Penthouse magazine. Submissions are always considered, usually printed, and occasionally Earwax Editor used to make origami rhinoceroses. If you do not wish your letter to the editor to be published, just say so. We do not advocate wussitude; all letters must be Sarah “Tongue Scraper” Madges signed. We reserve the right to edit any material submitted for publication. We will, however, work with the writer and see that content is as true to the writer’s Chief Copy Editor original as possible. We publish this rag ten times a year (fi ve per semester). Elena “Copy of Dianetics” Lightbourn So why not come down and write for us? We are a constantly evolving pub- lication, and have been since 1972. And we try our best to second guess main- Copy Staff stream opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, Brigh “Flex Dollars” Gibbons writing isn’t for everyone. Try reading a good book like The Thing About Life Is That One Day You’ll Be Dead, by David Shields. You might just learn something. Will “Chastity Belt” Yates Emily “Condom Scrapbook” Tuttle our aim Aly “One-Way Ticket to Siberia” Kravitz the paper is Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, comment, Lauren “Mud Shower” Duca and review. Our aim is to give the Fordham community fresh insights on old is- Lenny “A Boner” Raney sues, new thoughts on new issues, and information that other campus publications may not be able to report. We do not claim to be a newspaper of record – facts, fi gures, and dates. Instead, we focus on the Fordham student perspective, on Contributors thoughtful analysis, and on the comprehension of the full scope of events, rather BYOB Mexican, White Russians, Jim Fucking Morrison, Print than staggered and straight news coverage. In short, our emphasis is on the obvi- Shoppe Skyping, Eamon Stewart, Not Papyrus, Bryant Kitching, Nick ous and active role of the student writer in his or her work. We also aim to provide Murray, Taylor Maier, Pat Murphy, Chris Gramuglia, Alex Kelso, Fordham students a less fettered venue for expression, something they may not be Karaoke, Don Draper, R.A Paterson and everyone at the Lucky Strike able to fi nd at other student publications. Corporation, Jake Sanders, Tim Leucke, Latarian Milton, Drew Brees, Basically, if we make you laugh, piss you off, or move you in some way, then Scott Fujita, and the New Orleans Saints we’re doing our job. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! february 10, 2010 the paper page 3 news Faculty Fight for LDA Benefits Fordham Faces its Own Health Care Struggles by Emily Genetta three years.” Cruz-Malavé, a Even as programs such as the benefi ts or LDA benefi ts among ship for our faculty, although EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR member of the Equality Com- Division of Student Affairs’ Net- colleges of its class,” the Fac- not outlined in [this] report, is While the Democrats con- mittee of the Faculty Senate, has work of Support send messages ulty Senate reported. Not only considerable,” especially in the tinue their half-hearted struggle been working toward extending of respect and accep- do NYU and Columbia offer current recession. for healthcare reform on the na- benefi ts to all LDAs since the tance, the University’s stance such benefi ts, but so do a half- Perhaps even more devas- tional stage, Fordham faculty issue was fi rst introduced. on same-sex benefi ts leaves dozen Jesuit colleges, including tating is the message it sends to members are pushing harder As Cruz-Malavé and many LGBT students questioning the Georgetown. Fordham’s D.C. the LGBT community on cam- than ever for fair coverage others have noted, progress has authenticity of the University’s sister-school illustrates the third pus. Professor Cruz-Malavé here on campus. Their fi ght has been slow. The Senate unani- commitment to creating a truly reason why Fordham’s policy remarks, “It not only places an been going on since long be- mously passed a resolution in welcoming environment. is nonsensical: the university added fi nancial burden on fac- fore Obama took offi ce – since favor of LDA benefi ts in April Still, Father McShane’s avoided confl ict with the D.C. ulty; it also damages the mo- 2005, in fact – and they aren’t of 2006. For two years there attendance at the meeting re- Archbishop even though he is rale of faculty.” PRIDE Presi- making weak compromises like was no answer, and so, in the mained largely uncertain until also a signatory of the “Manhat- dent Michael Strom comments our elected offi cials… partly fall of 2008, 432 faculty mem- his arrival that night. After lis- tan Declaration,” because the about the message it sends to because they can’t. There is bers and administrators signed a tening to Law School Profes- document says nothing about students: “As an openly gay little to compromise on: either petition urging Father McShane sor Elizabeth Cooper’s speech benefi ts for same sex partners; student at Fordham, I just can’t the University fi nally extends to implement the resolution. advocating for the adoption of it only expresses opposition to feel welcome or respected while benefi ts to all legally-domiciled The following spring (of 2009), LDA benefi ts and the following gay marriage. With their adop- people like me are being bla- adults (LDAs), or it continues McShane did release an offi cial comments from Senate mem- tion of LDA benefi ts , George- tantly discriminated against.” with its current discriminatory “Statement on LGBT Persons”, bers, McShane addressed the town, as their offi cial paper The Thankfully, change may be policy. As both sides acknowl- which reads, in part: Senate. He acknowledged that Hoya reports, actually “serves coming soon. Professor Cahill edge, LDA benefi ts are vitally As a Catholic univer- he had been waiting for the City as an example for the D.C. arch- believes that LDA benefi ts will important to LGBT faculty sity, Fordham embraces the Council to pass a resolution re- diocese.” be granted within the next few members in particular, though Church’s teaching that the God- quiring such benefi ts, so that It remains unclear why years. “There has been so much an LDA may not necessarily be given dignity of all human the University itself would not Fordham is not following positive change at Fordham re- a romantic partner. The term in- persons refl ects the fact that have to take a stance. Accord- Georgetown in its example of garding the LGBT community,” cludes any adult who has a close “we are all from God and for ing to the offi cial Senate min- social justice. In response to a he states. Furthermore, “[the relationship with a faculty mem- God.” It is in the context of this utes, McShane stressed that “it request for comment from Fa- LDA policy] is actually on the ber, has been living with him or commitment of faith that the is important that the University ther McShane, the author re- table now.” Indeed, at the end her for at least six months, and Church teaches that discrimi- maintain respect for Catholic ceived an e-mail from Director of their December 4th meeting, is either fi nancially interdepen- nation of any sort, including moral teaching and that our re- of Communications Bob Howe after Father McShane had left, dent with the faculty member or discrimination against lesbian, lations with the Archbishop re- stating that “the University’s the Faculty Senate directed the is the faculty member’s tax de- gay, bisexual, and transgen- main good.” He then referenced position on benefi ts for Legally Salary & Benefi ts Committee to pendent. Most adult recipients dered (LGBT) persons, is a form New York Archbishop Timothy Domiciled Adults is part of an draft a formal proposal for the of healthcare benefi ts, though, of injustice. Dolan’s explicit support of the ongoing conversation with the enactment of LDA benefi ts. In are spouses – a clear disadvan- The statement, however, did “Manhattan Declaration,” a faculty and its leadership.” the meantime, LGBT members tage for same-sex couples, who not address the request to ex- statement signed by Christians In the meantime, the conse- of the Fordham community and can only marry in a few states tend benefi ts to all legally do- of many denominations, in- quences for Fordham Universi- their straight allies are left deal- and whose marriages, though miciled adults. Finally, at their cluding many Church leaders. ty and the members of its com- ing with a painful reality, as elo- recognized by New York, are November 9th meeting, the Fac- It reaffi rms their stance against munity are severe. The lack of quently described by Professor not honored by Fordham. ulty Senate passed a resolution “ gay marriage and abortion and benefi ts puts Fordham at a sig- Cruz-Malavé at the end of his Professor Arnaldo Cruz- to call upon the President of the promises to use civil disobedi- nifi cant disadvantage in terms interview: Malavé, the Chair of Modern University to participate in an ence to protest such issues. of hiring new faculty members. “We all like to think that our Languages and Literatures and open discussion at the Senate’s Finally, the Fordham com- “I don’t think it’s a problem of jobs are not only a source of a highly distinguished faculty next meeting on the extension of munity has an answer as to retention, [but] we will lose a personal accomplishment and member, has experienced this benefi ts to the legally domiciled the administration’s stance on tremendous number of hours self-worth, but that they also fi rst-hand. “Throughout those adults (LDAs) of faculty mem- LDA benefi ts. Unfortunately, trying to fi nd people,” PRIDE allow us to form solid familial twenty-three years [I have bers.” Michael Strom, president the rationale behind it makes Advisor Professor Cahill com- bonds in order to protect those worked at Fordham] I have paid of PRIDE alliance, also drafted no sense. Firstly, there’s the is- ments. As Elizabeth Cooper whom we love. What is most into our common faculty ben- a letter urging McShane to at- sue that “the University is at explained at the December 4th painful about Fordham’s refus- efi ts package, helping to subsi- tend the December 4th meeting. odds with its stated goals and meeting, “[This diffi culty in al to extend benefi ts is to feel dize those benefi ts for my col- It was signed by offi cers of fi f- objectives,” as faculty member recruiting staff] is likely to im- that one cannot do this, which leagues’ spouses and children,” teen student organizations and and PRIDE Alliance advisor peril the achievement of Ford- most people take for granted – he explained. “[…]And yet states that Edward Cahill succinctly put ham’s quest for academic ex- that one cannot protect those throughout those twenty-three … as long as the University it. Secondly, Fordham’s hy- cellence…” In terms of human to whom one is committed in years I have not been able to ex- refuses to respect all families, pocrisy is especially striking in costs, the lack of LDA benefi ts bonds of love.” tend that same protection to my the very concept of “Fordham that the college is “alone [in] is even more pronounced. States partner, now spouse, of thirty- family” is bankrupt. not providing domestic partner the Senate, “The economic hard- editorials arts features comix in this

issue: Hate the Poor, Gaganomics, Jessica Valenti! Featuring: Phil p.9 p.15 p.20 Spector, p.24 page 4 the paper february 10, 2010 Rethinking New York’s School System As NYC Strengthens its Commitment to Education, Who Gets Left Behind? by Marisa Carroll schools. For decades, commu- plan in which failing or under- bus High, one of the Bronx high mutes, insuffi cient programs FEATURES EDITOR nity leaders have called for a performing schools are “turned schools recently closed. More tailored to their needs, and cul- more holistic admission process around” by federal specialists. charter school teachers have tural differences that hinder stu- This week, 5,898 envelopes that takes more than just a stu- For Bloomberg, this process advanced degrees than their dents’ ability to excel, learn, or are fi nding their way into eighth dent’s test score into account. has focused on shutting down a large-school predecessors and, even graduate. graders’ mailboxes across the “The statistics clearly show that large, underperforming school as the New School’s Center for So where does this leave fi ve boroughs. The words “NYC black New Yorkers are being and replacing it with a few New York City Affairs reported New York’s youth? The city’s Department of Education” shut out,” City Council educa- smaller schools—often within in July, the opening of over 200 attempts to revitalize its schools stamped in the upper left corner, tion committee chairman schools in the past fi ve are in many ways commend- the envelopes contain letters of Robert Jackson told the years has increased able, but underlie a complete acceptance to New York’s spe- New York Times in 2006. families’ choices dra- lack of consideration for those cialized high schools. Selective “If we’re looking to be matically. who need it most. Groups like public schools like Bronx High Moving Out. inclusive in the greatest In theory, school the Center for New York City School of Science, High School city in the world, I would turnaround provides Affairs call for immediate sup- of American Studies at Lehman think that the chancellor a fresh choice for the port for schools collecting “de- College and six others admit and every educator has students of New York. fault” students, particularly students based on the Special- to ask themselves why is However, as is so of- those fl oundering schools that ized High School Admissions this, and what do we need ten the case, the real- may face closings in upcoming Test (SHSAT) administered to do to reverse that. Is it ity is far less sunny. years. They also critique only every fall. The test covers rea- institutional racism or is it Students originally creating small high schools to soning, reading comprehension, something else?” disenfranchised by the replace those that close, encour- and math skills ranging from Consider the Depart- New York school sys- aging the revitalization of large simple computation to probabil- ment of Education’s claim that the same building. “Turnaround tem continue to be overlooked and mid-sized schools that can ity and geometry. a deep understanding of the specialists” re-train some staff and underprovided for. School provide more opportunities for Students accepted at these English language is necessary members; otherwise, new, more crowding issues are intensify- special needs students. Finally, schools have access to resources to succeed in a selective high qualifi ed teachers are hired. ing as the large, underperform- they urge the Department of Ed- unequivocally better than those school. While I understand Since 2002, turnaround has re- ing schools the city has yet to ucation to restructure their ac- of their local public schools. Un- Mayor Bloomberg is not about sulted in 91 New York school close fi ll with ESL and disabled ceptance policies for specialized fortunately, most of the Bronx’s to stand up and declare English closings. Earlier this month, students. The same fate befalls high schools, giving a chance to poorest students have little hope a dead language, this policy education offi cials voted to countless students whose par- those who may not have attend- of being accepted. Only eight robs the Bronx’s 52.6% non-na- close another nine Bronx high ents are not well-informed on ed grammar schools capable of percent of Hispanic and seven tive English-speaking popula- schools. high school options, whether preparing them for the SHSAT percent of black students who tion of the opportunity to thrive. On the surface, this process due to being overworked, not exam. Essentially, they preach took the SHSAT were accepted For decades, these ESL students provides hope for those unable present in the child’s life, or the not-at-all radical agenda to any of the eight schools this have typically ended up at the to test into schools like Bronx simply unable to read city pam- that casting aside the children year. Considering that 35% of poorly performing, large neigh- Science. Department of Edu- phlets and websites. Accord- of immigrants, the uneducated Asian and 31% of white appli- borhood schools. cation reports refl ect that new ing to the Center for New York and the ever-increasing unem- cants were accepted, the taste As of late, a new dimen- charter schools have an average City Affairs, students forced to ployed must not be acceptable left in most minority residents’ sion has been added to this graduation rate of 75%, a stag- decide on their own more of- collateral damage in the city’s mouths is unbearably sour. placement process. Secretary gering 15% higher than the city ten than not make the wrong war on dropout rates. Hopefully This discrepancy is nothing of Education Arne Duncan has average and almost 30% higher choice: their school years end Bloomberg hears their call. new for the selective enrollment stressed a “school turnaround” than that of Christopher Colum- up plagued by 90 minute com-

U.S. Military Removeth Biblical References from Gun Sights by Sean Kelly Faulkner, who has been work- Corinthians 4: 6 as 2COR4:6. which the equipment would be removal options would be made EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR ing to fi nd ways to remove the The fact that these references employed? available to all foreign militar- references on optics currently were so heavily integrated into Though there have been no ies with which Trijicon does For decades now, Michigan- in use in the fi eld, and by the the serial numbers to the point defi nitive answers provided for business. based arms contractor Trijicon Church of England, who fears of being diffi cult to fi nd makes these inquiries, the company’s Obviously, when facing has maintained a practice of that the references may suggest the company’s practice all the swift and obsequious response such a high degree of scrutiny inscribing Biblical references religious motivation for military more disconcerting in a differ- suggests that even if there is no from the public and from the on their gun sights (used by the action and refl ect poorly on all ent sort of way. It raises a mul- ulterior motive to their actions, military leaders of three major U.S., Australian and British mil- Christian churches. Addition- titude of questions regarding the they are at least monumentally world powers, any company not itaries) at the end of all the serial ally, the U.S. Marine Corps and motivation behind adding these embarrassed by the veritable run by a suicidal maniac would numbers. Up until recently, both foreign clients of Tri- public relations acquiesce to almost anything the military and the media have jicon alike have ex- maelstrom gen- demanded of them, whether it ignored this fact as faithfully as pressed concern that erated in the past be removing Bible references ignoring your drunk Uncle Har- the ostensible Chris- month. Upon on gun sights or carrying David ry at a family dinner. However, tian message com- catching wind of Petraeus’ golf clubs for the next at some point, Uncle Harry will municated by these disapproval, Tri- 6 months. And, indeed, Trijicon inevitably bring up politics or references could jicon president would most likely cease to exist religion at the table after swill- give the impression Stephen Bindon, as a successful arms contractor ing nearly two bottles of White of American soldiers whose father had they not promised to bend Zinfandel, and someone will being religious “cru- both founded over backwards to accommo- have to deal with it. saders.” the company date the demands of everyone Well, at the family dinner The Bible refer- and introduced that they do business. However, that is the U.S. military-indus- ences, which appear Talk about overkill. the practice of the fact that this oddly super- trial complex, Uncle Harry just in raised lettering adding the ref- stitious practice continued un- launched into an inebriated the- on all M4 and M16 erences to se- inhibited for several decades ology lesson, and the kids are rifl e optics produced by the references: were they meant rial numbers, announced that before being noticed (or, prob- starting to get scared. On Thurs- company, appear in a format to be noticed at all and, if they his company would voluntarily ably more accurately, before it day, January 21, U.S. Military that keeps them almost hidden were, were they only meant to (or as voluntarily as is possible was realized that the practice is chief General David Petraeus among the stock numbers of be noticed by a select few? Did in the face of PR ruin) halt the potentially problematic) does released a statement describing the sights. For example, a refer- they begin adding the verses to practice of inscribing these ref- seem a bit strange, and leads Trijicon’s bizarre and wholly ence to John 8:12 (a fairly com- “protect” those in the fi eld using erences and would provide kits one to wonder what the compa- creepy practice as “disturbing” mon one on the sights) appears their equipment, or because of for removal of references ap- ny would be up to had military and “a serious concern.” These tagged on to the rest of the num- a perceived religious connota- pearing on fi rearms currently leaders not spoken out against sentiments were echoed by Aus- bers as JN8:12, as does second tion relating to the confl icts in in use. Bindon added that all the references. tralian Defense Minister John february 10, 2010 the paper page 5

by Sean Bandfi eld Doritos-eating, naked home we can get small business- NEWS CO-EDITOR audience was assured that the es back on their feet, then On February 1st, President President had never heard the that’s going to go a long Obama boldly went where no questions that were about to way towards bringing the black president has gone be- stumble clumsily out of Mr. unemployment rate down.” fore: the internets. Though the Grove’s mouth. This was po- In order to “lighten President has previously used liticizing and pussyfooting at its things up,” Grove intro- the internet to respond to ques- most exciting; anything could duced a round of questions tions from concerned citizens happen – or be given to the gov- called “Good Idea, Bad and a questionable population ernment to make happen. Idea” in which the Presi- House into the much more hip as good of a job on that front”). of potheads, he sat down with The fi rst question came in dent could listen to suggestions and eco-friendly Black and Obama’s Q&A session was some dude named Steve Grove the form of a video from a group provided by citizens and then Shiny House. representative of his consistent to address the tough issues and of people who obviously hate criticize them ruthlessly. During When netizens asked Obama use of the internet to connect di- beam sagely wisdom to viewers freedom, collectively asking this Animaniacs-worthy seg- about his plans for the War on rectly with the American public. the web over. Bypassing tradi- the President when health care ment, the President commented Terror, the President did away Obama has made such a prac- tional network news platforms, reform would fi nally become a on the usually “bad idea” of with vague generalizations, tice of releasing video updates Obama’s broadcast was sent out reality. Obama replied by say- privatizing struggling govern- replacing them with a refresh- and utilizing the web that com- exclusively through YouTube – ing that “we came extremely ment agencies, the “good idea” ing specifi city: “We are at war parisons between his messages much to the delight of us Mil- close” to passing legislation for of offering incentives for healthy against a very specifi c group – and FDR’s fi reside chats are lenials and all those old people reform, and expressed his hope eating, exercise, and other pre- Al Qaeda and its extremist allies already getting old. The Presi- who shouldn’t even be on the that “we can get this done not ventative health measures, and that have metastasized around dent expressed his hope to make internet in the fi rst place. just a year from now, but soon.” the “good idea” of encouraging the globe… That is our target, a regular affair of having such The Vlogger in Chief spent Responding to questions clean energy by mandating that and that is our focus.” Obama interviews, saying that taking half an hour taking the pub- about small businesses and the all “federal operations are em- went on to explain that, in ad- questions directly from citizens lic’s questions, some submitted state of the economy, the Presi- ploying the best possible clean dition to countering Al Qaeda “gives me great access to all the in writing and others entered dent explained that his admin- energy technology.” The Presi- militarily, other tactics must be people out there with wonder- as videos. The questions were istration expanded the Small dent remarked that companies employed: providing economic ful ideas.” While Obama’s con- selected from thousands of en- Business Administration loan are beginning to realize that it’s help to vulnerable countries like tinued YouTubing might say as tries and were chosen to repre- portfolio by nearly 70% and cut in their best interest to utilize Yemen and Pakistan, working much about the shifting charac- sent the most popular concerns out other costs and procedures alternative energy technology, with the “overwhelming major- ter of the media as it does about while simultaneously featuring to provide business owners with and he didn’t dismiss the ques- ity of Muslims” who renounce his own cultural awareness, one the fewest number of vicious more money in shorter time. tioner’s suggestion to equip fed- terrorism, and encouraging dif- thing remains certain – it beats obscenities. Professional mum- Obama emphasized the impor- eral, state, and school buildings ferent routes for people to diplo- C-SPAN. bler Steve Grove presented the tance of small businesses in re- with solar panels – which could matically voice dissent (Obama questions to Obama, and the viving the economy, stating, “If potentially transform the White confessed that “we haven’t done This Candidate Brought to You by Exxon-Mobil: Supreme Court Ruling Allows Unlimited Corporate Spending on Political Campaigns by Sarah Madges dent after the Supreme Court’s Cheekies and Exxon. Maybe campaign fi nance bills such as ing it “a major victory for big EARWAX EDITOR 5-4 ruling on January 21st, Citi- we’ll have to wear corporate the Business Should Mind Its oil, Wall Street banks…and the zens United v. Federal Elections logos like NASCAR drivers.” Own Business Act and the Cor- other powerful interests that… My reputable dictionary Commission, which overturned Dissenting Justice John Paul porate Propaganda Sunshine drown out the voices of every- widget defi nes a corporation as century-old restrictions on cor- Stevens added his condemna- Act (I’m not making these up— day Americans.” Perhaps Gray- “a company or group of people porations and interest groups tion that the Court compounded sign on to SaveDemocracy.net if son isn’t too harsh when he dubs authorized to act as a single en- from using their deep pockets its offense “by implicitly strik- you want to lend support of his the Republican Party a wholly tity (legally a person) and recog- to elect or defeat political can- ing down a great many state bills). The fi rst of these slaps a owned subsidiary of corporate nized as such in law.” According didates. Ruling No. 08-205 re- laws as well.” He’s referring to 500 percent excise tax on corpo- America, though there are a few to Mark Achbar’s 2003 release scinded two precedents: Austin the fact that the states that ex- rate spending on elections, while like McCain and Sen. Olympia The Corporation, (featuring in- v. Michigan Chamber of Com- the second demands that busi- Snowe (R-ME) who don’t want tellectuals like Noam Chomsky merce (1990), which restricted GOP Chairman Michael nesses disclose in SEC fi lings to be future Congressmen of and Naomi Klein) however, a corporate spending to support Steele wears his constituency money used to infl uence public Wal-Mart like the rest of the Su- corporation is better defi ned as or oppose political candidates, on his sleeve. And his chest. opinion, rather than to promote preme Court’s superfans. an artifi cial creation to produce and McConnell v. Federal Elec- their products. Grayson’s active Along with the aforemen- profi t, or, less euphemistically, tion Commission (2003), which concern that corporations like tioned politicians, many oth- as the Frankenstein monster of upheld part of the Bipartisan Exxon will drop a mere tenth of ers are conjuring up ideas to our age. The latter metaphor Campaign Reform Act of 2002 their budget (which would cov- avoid this fate, including Fran comes from the fact that, his- through its moratorium on the er Obama, McCain, and every Korten of the socially con- torically speaking, corporations corporate-backed transmission House Representative and Sen- scious publication, Yes! Maga- were set up to serve the public. of “electioneering communica- ator’s campaign bills from the zine, who suggested ten ideas Accordingly, the U.S. Supreme tions” paid for in the 30 days last election) to eliminate po- to limit or reverse the Court’s Court gave them the same rights before a presidential primary litical enemies has been echoed ruling. Adding on to Grayson’s they offered that public, start- and in the 60 days before the by Democrats and Republicans bills, Korten proposed that we ing with the 1886 case of Santa general elections. The conserva- alike. All the same, reforming amend the Constitution so that Clara County v. Southern Pa- tive members argued, however, campaign fi nance laws is ardu- corporations do not have the cifi c Railroad, which decided that this override was necessary ous when both of these parties rights of human beings, require that the word “person” in the to give corporations and unions (especially Republicans) re- shareholders to approve politi- Fourteenth Amendment could their First Amendment rights to plicitly prohibit independent ceive hefty sums of corporate cal spending (a practice Britain include corporations. However, political speech that the gov- corporate expenditures now cash. Grand Old Party (empha- has required since 2000), pro- as the corporation is also legally ernment can’t restrict. As the have to amend their constitu- sis on old) members Michael vide federal fi nancing through bound to pander in favor of their late Howard Zinn summed up, tions to adapt to federal law, and Steele and Rep. John Boehner the Pass the Fair Elections Now shareholders’ interests (even be- the Supreme Court simply put any states wanting to prohibit of Ohio, along with Sen. Mitch Act (backed by organizations fore the public it’s supposed to a fi g leaf of legality over the corporate political spending in McConnell from Kentucky like MoveOn.org, the NAACP, serve), the American public has historical fact that corporations the future can’t. This corporate have praised the verdict as a and even Ben & Jerry’s), and become an externality. Milton have always run our elections. cash won’t be spread evenly, “defense of free speech” (“free give qualifi ed candidates equal Friedman describes this as the Among the many less stoic and either—states like Ohio and speech” being code for “cash amounts of free broadcast air effect of a transaction between more infuriated people, Rep. Florida, where races are more from special interests”), and time for political messages. two parties on a third party who Alan Grayson (D-FL) immedi- competitive and expensive, will Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN) said of Without support or enforce- is not involved in said transac- ately whirled into action, claim- see the biggest incursion of cur- the ruling, “Freedom won today ment, these are just pokes at a tion (i.e., the involved parties ing, “You won’t have any more rency. in the Supreme Court.” Obama, comatose democracy. But who don’t deal with the problems senators from Kansas or Or- Rep. Grayson responded to on the other hand, thinks there knows? Maybe she’ll wake up. created; we do). Our function as egon, you’ll have senators from democracy’s entropy with six was a different winner, call- an externality is especially evi- page 6 the paper february 10, 2010 What Happened in faker Massachusetts One Politically-Challenged Individual’s Recollection of the Scott Brown Election than by Alex Gibbons completely incomprehensible to heavily of labor households. CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF anybody south of New Haven. Shortly after Brown’s elec- I’ll admit, that last exchange tion I sat in my friend’s van About a week before Mas- was heavily paraphrased. But discussing the events of his sachusetts residents went to the point is still the same, dam- campaign and what it meant for the polls to vote for their next mit. Running an ad like that in American politics for the next state senator last month, Scott Massachusetts is campaign- few years. We both agreed, right truth Brown’s giant mug fl ashed ing-101. This is a state that idol- there, that President Obama across my television screen. izes Boston, where everyone was, in our minds, fucked (this There he was, Mr. Brown, pull- considers themselves a little is before he schooled House Re- by Sean Kelly, Alex Orf, and Alex Gibbons ing up to a cheering crowd in his Irish. publicans in a live q&a session STAFF LIARS black pick-up truck, waving and People started really talking on c-span). The problem, we smiling and all that jazz. It was about Brown maybe two weeks thought, was that Brown would WASHINGTON, D.C. ~ At a press conference held Thursday a day later that my friend told before Election Day. All the effectively kill the health care at their national headquarters in Washington, the NAACP (Na- me of his father’s declaration while, I don’t recall seeing one bill, subsequently killing any tional Association for the Advancement of Cute Pets) publicly that Scott Brown chance of Obama spoke out against what spokesdog Truffl es, a 9 year old Westie was “gettin’ his being reelected Terrier, called “pervasive and gross misuse” of the phrase “good vote, cause he’s in 2012. dog”. “We at this organization feel that this uplifting pleasantry just a normal guy “I’m gonna has entirely lost its meaning after years of arbitrary and improper who does normal Qualifi ed. have to cross usage” said Truffl es to reporters. Added Truffl es, “if everyone is stuff and drives a over to the dark- special, then no one is”. The organization has announced plans truck.” side,” said my for a national advertising campaign promoting positive reinforce- I was previ- friend. “If there’s ment only for the exercise of “true canine values” such as retriev- ously aware of no chance that ing thrown objects, snuggling, and consuming one’s own vomit Mr. Brown’s ex- Obama can win before the owner has a chance to clean it up. istence. My self- in 2012, we’ve -SPK proclaimed inde- got to make sure pendent parents, we get a decent especially my Republican up NASHVILLE, TN ~ After her rousing National Tea Part Con- paw, had been there…otherwise vention speech declaring that “America is ready for another revo- talking about him we’ll get stuck lution,” Sarah Palin shocked the world when she led the riled-up all week. It was with President mass of Tea Partiers in a “populist revolt” through the streets of Scott Brown, the Palin.” President Nashville. Wielding torches and a variety of garden tools “for young gun (51), Obama’s bra- that old timey feel,” the crowd ambled ill-manneredly toward the up against the vado displayed Berry Field National Guard Base near the Nashville International Democrats. Well, during his State Airport amidst shouts of, “Spirit of ‘76!” and “End the Obama one Democrat… of the Union and Reign of Terror!” The “revolt” proceeding for seven blocks until one Libertarian, the aforemen- one Partier, upon asking a policeman for directions to the base, Martha Coakley tioned C-Span realized that it was several dozen miles away. Daunted by the and Joseph L. session was revi- long distance, the Partiers skulked back to their posh hotel discon- Kennedy respec- talizing, and the tentedly, where they re-gathered in the conference hall to shake tively. situation doesn’t their fi sts at a projected image of President Obama until dawn. Coakley was look as bleak Most news sources and government offi cials are unsure of what Brown’s main anymore, but the to make of the event, though Fox News has dubbed it “A triumph competitor. To say that the At- piece of Coakley campaign ma- prospect of a President Palin, of the American Spirit in the face of tyranny.” torney General felt entitled to terial. I know there were some, who is being primed and fl uffed -AO the position would be an under- somewhere, but any campaign- as we speak, is frightening. statement. Hell, the chair had ing was scarce and limited com- Obama needs to have a banger previously belonged to Teddy pared to Brown’s. It was a bad of a presidency to ensure such AMHERST, MA ~ Following allegations of hazing and indecent Kennedy, just about the liberal- play. It made Coakley, as I’ve an outcome is wholly avoided. conduct on university grounds, an investigation of the Delta Lam- est corpse in America. Most of said before, appear as though But what of Brown? Even da Kappa house at UMASS Amherst revealed that all members of the Bay State was convinced the she felt entitled to Kennedy’s during the senate race there the fraternity were reportedly “all really nice guys.” race was going to be a shoe-in seat, setting Brown up for some was talk about a possible presi- “Everyone here is really nice to me,” said John Wilson, 18, as for the Democrats. primo populist face time. “It’s dential bid in 2012. Of course, he stood balancing on one leg in front of the university’s library That is, of course, before not the Kennedy’s seat, it’s not like any responsible politician, brandishing a large sign that read “I Love Men.” “All the brothers Scott Brown’s big ol’ mug the Democrats’ seat, it’s the Brown denied such rumors. at the house are caring and really cool,” he continued. showed up on my television people’s seat,” said Brown in a What is clear, however, is how Patrick Stenson, the president of Delta Lamda Kappa, attrib- screen. After the commercial January debate. important Senator Brown now uted accusations that the fraternity partook in acts of hazing to aired showing Scott Brown and On January 19, 2010, Brown is to the Republican Party. The a rival and jealous fraternity house. “Those douchebags over at his workin’ man’s pickup truck, became the fi rst Republican the GOP now has two rock star Beta house are responsible for this,” said Stenson, as he applied another, more effective Brown represent Massachusetts since personalities to pontifi cate and a coating of honey to the back of a freshman pledge who hung campaign spot appeared. The ad 1972. He pushed for an early shit-talk. Brown is a bit tamer upside down from a tree outside the house. “There just jealous showed Brown walking around swearing in, which he got, on than Palin, but his appeal seems cause our parties are hot, our chicks are loose, and our bros are South Boston aka “Southie,” February 4, forcing speculation to gear towards populist zeal, the best.” a low-income, predominately that the Senator was anxious to something Conservatives have UMASS Amherst President Jack M. Wilson attested to the Irish part of the city. do the Republican Party’s bid- been warming up to lately. commendable nature of the Delta Lamda Kappa house. “Many “We’re in Southie!” ex- ding as early as possible. Brown I’d be willing to say that if of the members are legacies,” said Wilson, who according to a claimed Brown on camera, offers the Republicans their 41st the Junior Senator from Massa- message spray painted on his offi ce door is “a total homo.” “They his best Baawston accent on vote, enough to kill the health chusetts played his cards right, come from very distinguished Massachusetts families, and we’re show. The spot then went on to care bill and block the appoint- he’d be considered by the GOP very proud to have them in our community,” he said later as he show Brown walking around ment of Craig Becker, whom a more perfect candidate than stomped out a burning paper bag that smelled of feces. Baawston, greeting various peo- Republicans loathe, to the Na- Palin. He’s a helluva talker, -AG ple whom he met on the street. tional Labor Relations Board great with crowds, and drives “Hiya! I’m Scaaat Brahwn, ‘am (NLRB). If Brown puts up the a large truck. Somewhere, in runnin’ fah Senatah ah this heah 41st vote, fi libustering Becker’s some graveyard, William F. state,” says Brown to a Bosto- nomination, it will be hard for Buckley’s is popping a posthu- nian, who smiles and shakes his the junior senator to deny be- mous woody. hand and says something nice ing a tool for party interest, es- about Brown in a similar accent, pecially as his base consisted february 10, 2010 the paper page 7 Resilient as Always The People of Haiti, Post-Earthquake by Kaitlin Campbell he’s lost another daughter and but they have a strength that is maintenance, in the kitchen, or in confornting their mysteri- ARTS CO-EDITOR his wife by natural disaster. remarkable. I am humbled by in organizing the afterschool ous, violent lifestyles, they are Finally – after hours of not “He pointed to the rubble them and privileged to be with adult literacy classes and elderly strengthened by the unifi ed de- hearing from him, and only hav- and just said, ‘My daughter and them.” feeding programs which operate sire to help the Haitian people – ing the terrifying images from my daughter’s mother.’” My Fr. Tom has always com- daily after classes get out. as in the case of Nelson, enough CNN as an information link to dad told me. “He just stared, mented that “Haiti’s greatest Without the backbone of the to make this desire his entire Haiti – the call went through and then started crying.” economy is really their pov- community in each section of life’s work. and I heard my dad’s voice: he The struggles and pain of erty.” He refers to the hundreds the slum, their schools would It was because of their re- was alive. Knowing that in sec- Nelson’s life are echoed all lationship with these Doug Campbell stands onds the call would be dropped over Haiti today – and yet those gang leaders that in the rubble of a ruined I needed to be urgent and care- struggles and pains that exist Hands Together was building. ful with my words: “Are you for so many more Haitians now able to distribute emer- OK? Is Fr. Tom OK? Is Nelson have been more or less the way gency relief in the OK?” and he was able to con- of life for the residents of the midst of the violent fi rm those three things. I was Cite Soleil slum for decades. uprisings, and oper- incredibly relieved. There is a tremendous resil- ate their schools. It Nelson Jean Lafette is the ience, though, in the people of was because of their Haitian chief-of-staff of Hands Cite Soleil, that has confused relationship with the Together, an organization my and inspired my dad and Fr. gang leaders that they dad and Fr. Tom Hagan founded Tom in their years of work- were able to construct in 1986 which focuses on pro- ing in the slum. In this respect, the schools in the fi rst viding outreach in the four basic from Fr. Tom’s perspective, the place. From the begin- areas of education, sustainable earthquake has changed little in ning, it was through development, nutrition/feed- the faces of the residents there. the gang leaders they ing and emergency needs to the “When I go to Cite Soleil went to secure plots people of Haiti. now as I do every day I see few of land –they needed I met Nelson eight years ago tears,” he told me. Fr. Tom’s the approval of the lo- on my fi rst trip to Haiti – as I daily visits to Cite Soleil have cal zone leader before was equally as shy as he, we drastically changed since the continuing the proj- only exchanged smiles and con- earthquake – where schools ect. And it only makes fusing laughter until I learned were rubble and chaos exists. sense –who would enough Creole on my visits The HT headquarters was lev- of non-profi t organizations and never have grown and oper- know the needs of the people years later to actually talk to eled in the quake, and the main charities scattered across the ated so effi ciently even in the better? him. body of the organization sleeps country that fi ll in for the weak most violent times. During the Now – with the same depen- Nelson was born in Cite every night together in tents, in and fragmented government violent gang uprisings when dence on the Haitian communi- Soleil, a garbage-laden square- the demolished lot that used to which rules over a population in Cite Soleil was under constant ty that has been apparent since mile slum of 400,000 in Port- be their house. which 80% of its citizens live in strain from confl icts between Hands Together’s creation, Fr. au-Prince. His childhood play- Now, Hands Together’s abject poverty. Even more than UN Forces and gang leaders, Tom expresses the need to “pull grounds were mountains of main focus for relief consists before, these organizations can Hands Together’s schools re- back and let our leaders and trash and dank open sewage of setting up Haitian leadership “trip on each other,” as my dad mained open. When the gang captains deal with how to divide canals that he and other children teams in 10 designated outreach has remarked, and he’s always leaders had blocked off all ways up aid and support” as together shared with pigs and goats. zones, each with a leadership expressed the need for a certain of getting in or out of the slum, they deliver four to fi ve truck- But Nelson has something Captain to run the established “learning to un-learn” when and the residents within were loads of fresh water to Soleil and most Haitians don’t: a job. And bases for outreach at campus working in Haiti. without food, water, or sup- Delmas daily, distributing fam- in a slum where desperation locations where organized lo- Fr. Tom reminds himself of port, Hands Together was able ily care packages donated by this un-learning especially to peacefully deliver the same BND containing 25 kilos of rice, now: “I realize too that the emergency food packages daily beans, sardines and oil. He also longer I am here the less in the worst areas. Their method emphasized the need for them to I know. I really could not is that shared with the Mission- utilize their back hoe loader and speak with much author- aries of Charity, Jesuit Refugee dump truck to remove the debris ity about what will hap- Services, and Catholic Relief from their residence and ready pen with the government Services: to let the Haitians help the land for a new residence and or even what would be the their own people, as they know headquarters. In addition, the best way to help the people how to do. U.S. Military has collaborated in the face of this disas- “The people living in Cite with Hands Together work with ter. I also struggle a great Soleil experienced and appre- U.S. military in their two-week deal even being here. I feel ciated the persistence of our campaign to distribute 42 tons strongly that we can do a efforts to improve their com- of food a day in Cite Soleil, us- great deal of harm with the munities and slowly began to ing three outreach zones for that best intentions when we be- believe that we would not aban- and two zones for daily medical gin to be the benefactor.” don them in times of adversity. clinics. They are also collecting Hands Together’s main This strengthening of the fragile medical supplies and tents to emphasis is on education. bond between us and the des- distribute to homeless families. Haiti has no public school perate, frightened people liv- There is physical destruction system; the few schools ing in the slum has helped us everywhere in Haiti right now, feeds jealousy and rage, a job cal residents, parents of school that exist are privately owned weather the storms of violence, but my dad expressed that “as can be a dangerous commodity. children and students to clean and many times run as small theft, and corruption that have we [Hands Together] took stock Gangs control Cite Soleil, and up the area and build makeshift businesses, charging tuition and wreaked such havoc on this hor- of what remained we found Nelson’s natural resourceful- walls around the base. Hands service fees in a place where rible area.” My dad wrote this that the earthquake did not de- ness and creativity almost natu- Together coordinates distribu- sometimes even the smallest years ago, and it applies more stroy our relationships with the rally led him to become a gang tion of water, food, and hygiene price cannot be met. Begin- than ever to their efforts in Haiti people of Cite Soleil and Port- member until Fr. Tom offered kits from these bases.Without ning with a four-room “bare- right now. au-Prince,” and these are more him another way. the support of their “Haiti Fam- foot” school, Hands Together It is impossible to run any important items than their head- In 2001, gang members ily,” Fr. Tom would not be able has over the years created the project in Cite Soleil without quarters, schools, trucks and showed their contempt for Nel- to handle the enormous burden largest network of schools in going through the gang leaders, supplies. son’s going to work for Fr. Tom of conducting these emergency the Cite Soleil slum, providing as they act as community lead- My dad is OK, Fr. Tom is by murdering his 3-year-old efforts himself. 8,000 children with education ers in the 14 “zones” that the OK and Nelson is OK – and daughter when they arrived at “During these very diffi cult and daily meals before the Janu- slum has been casually divided thank God, as they need each his house to kill him and did not days I fi nd myself really lov- ary earthquake. In exchange for into. Though the bonds with the other and the support from their fi nd him there. ing these people,” he told me. tuition and expenses, parents people may be weakened by the community to manifest an in- Now, less than a month ago, “They continue to suffer greatly can work at each campus – in misunderstandings that arise credible amount of relief. page 8 the paper february 10, 2010 10 Little Christians Haitian Autorities Arrest Would-Be “Missionaries” Despite Best - Or Worst - Intentions by Alex Orf cated, and eventually adopted the Haitian government’s ap- how many children are sold is intentions, citing their strong NEWS CO-EDITOR by American families. Howev- proval, she continued with her unclear, but Unicef estimates faith and convictions. Beyond er, the group neglected even to operation without government the number in the tens of thou- that, Silsby asked permission to The short history of the 21st ask for, much less receive, any consent. Further, some parents sands per year. stay in Haiti, saying, “We peti- century has shown that natural kind of approval from the Hai- of the children the Americans Acknowledging the real- tion the court not only for our disasters cause a vast outpour- tian government – which, since were moving have said that ity of child traffi cking, the Hai- freedom, but also for our ability ing of humanitarian sentiment the January 12 earthquake, has Silsby promised to take care of tian government has been very to continue to help.” and desire to help. The 2004 required Prime Minister Max and educate their children, but concerned since the earthquake Seemingly absent from Sils- tsunami in Indonesia, Hurri- Bellerive to personally autho- never mentioned adoption. that more children will be taken by’s understanding of her situ- cane Katrina in New Orleans in rize the removal of any child The problem of orphanages from their families and sold. ation is the possibility that the 2006, and now the earthquake from Haiti. and child traffi cking in Haiti has The Americans’ case, then, is children of Haiti do not need in Haiti have all motivated the On February 4, the ten existed long before the earth- symbolic of the commitment to her help, or at least not the kind world community to respond Americans were charged with quake. Many chil- of help she purports with whatever form of aid it can child abduction and criminal dren in the hun- to offer. The state of give. And while efforts to help conspiracy by a Haitian court dreds of Haitian affairs in Haiti cer- almost always have the best in the fi rst case tried since the orphanages are not tainly requires that intentions, the lack of organi- earthquake. At press time, the actually orphans; its children are ade- zation immediately following case is in judicial review, but impoverished quately taken care of such an event can make it dif- should the Haitian government parents unable to while the country is fi cult to know what is best for decide to continue with the care for their chil- still reeling from the the affected area. As a result, an trial, the Americans face up to dren leave them earthquake, but to uninformed humanitarian effort 15 years in jail. However, the in orphanages un- whisk children away may end up doing more harm charges indicate the ambiguity til they have the from their homes, than good. Such may be the case of the case – human traffi cking, means to care for Heartless criminals? and in many cases with the ten Americans arrested a much graver offense, was left them again. The their parents, and at Haiti’s border on Saturday, out by the prosecution. quality of these into new lives dem- January 30 for trying to move It is diffi cult to tell if the orphanages ranges from well- protecting Haitian children. The onstrates a narrow, patronizing 33 Haitian children into the Do- Americans are truly earnest funded international institutions evidence against the Americans view of what is “right” more minican Republic. missionaries with a naïve un- like the Austrian-based SOS keeps piling up – the house list- than a legitimate concern for The group, mostly from a derstanding of the situation Children’s Villages, where the ed as the headquarters of Sils- and understanding of the chil- Baptist church congregation in in which they put themselves, 33 children are currently stay- by’s nonprofi t was lost to fore- dren’s current situation. What- Idaho, claim to have been on a or just very stupid criminals. ing, to dilapidated one-room closure on December 7, and the ever Silsby’s intentions, her ac- “Haitian Orphan Rescue Mis- Group leader Laura Silsby con- buildings, some of which are Dominican property where she tions are tinged with the worst sion.” They planned to move sulted with child protection of- suspected of selling the children planned to build her orphanage kind of colonial-patriarchal “we 100 orphaned children into the fi cials and the Dominican gov- left in their care as domestic ser- was never purchased – but Sils- know what’s best for you” atti- Dominican Republic to set up ernment before attempting to vants for wealthy Haitian fami- by, along with friends and fam- tude, and nine other well-mean- an orphanage where the chil- move the children, but despite lies or as agricultural workers ily of the detained Americans, ing Americans may have to pay dren would be cared for, edu- their warnings that she needed on Dominican farms. Exactly insist that the group had no ill for her arrogance. Bureaucratic Blackout An Analysis of the Offi cial Story of the Fort Hood Shooting by Lauren Duca later revealed as much more fense”. Gosh, Togo and Vern, with “action and effect.” Okay, you cheated on your boyfriend, STAFF GUIDETTE than an assumption. Hassan you’re so delightfully polite. so let’s identify action and ef- right? He didn’t ask if you went broadcasted his radical Islamic Hassan shot a whole bunch of fect. Action: shooting over 41 down on any strangers in the If it happens in Seaside, it and Jihadist beliefs. He attempt- American soldiers, and just hap- American soldiers. Effect: 13 stairway of Hughes recently. stays in Seaside, even when it ed to convert others in the army pened to be fi ercely dedicated to dead, 28 wounded. Boom. Now It’s not like the American peo- is footage being captured by 4 to join his faith and explicitly the same radical principles as we know that when you shoot a pled asked if the terrorist attack cameras that will later be na- opposed the war in which he those guys who fl ew passenger lot of people, they get hurt and that took the lives of 13 soldiers tionally broadcasted and la- was fi ghting. If that was all the planes into the World Trade some of them, well, they die. had anything to do with Islam. beled as reality television. Let’s evidence against him, then call- Center in the biggest attack on How does this make sense Where’s the dividing line be- take Snookers for example: the ing attention to Islam in Has- our nation since Pearl Harbor, to anyone? We need to be look- tween being politically correct noble producers at MTV didn’t san’s case would be like men- NBD. ing at the cause for the action, and producing propaganda? A want the public to see that love- tioning that Ted which is the motive, few years from now, perhaps able little Oompa Loompa being Bundy really en- which is radical Is- witnesses of crimes will be decked by some drunken brute joyed fruit cake. lamic principles. John prohibited from citing the race in a rush of roid rage, so they But he was not Carter, the Congress- of the suspect. Wouldn’t want blacked out the punch heard a murderer who man whose district in- to hurt anyone’s feelings, am I round the tri-state area, making just so happened cludes Fort Hood, com- right? it impossible to see if you were to be a religious mented on the report, Recently in Comp II, we stranded on a desert island and zealot, he was a “We should be able to compared cats to chairs. I was had no access to the internet or murderer who speak honestly about shocked as I realized every- a cell phone. killed in the name good and bad without one surrounding me was tak- Everyone was aware of of his faith. feeling like you’ve ing diligent notes. They wanted what happened, and knew ex- Hassan alleg- done something offen- to be sure to remember that actly what was being blacked edly screamed, sive to society.” But “both have 4 legs.” Like cats out. Actually, blacking out the “Allahu akbar” the report does more and chairs, Snookie and Ma- punch did absolutely nothing (“God is great”) than just turn a blind jor Nidal Malik Hassan have except draw more attention to while slaughtering the 13 men The report’s omission has eye to Jihadist extremism: it de- something extremely obvious in the incident, an illogical situa- who were killed during his ram- left many, like Senator Joe Li- fends religious fundamentalism, common. He may not wear his tion which parallels the report page. But the 86-page report on eberman, “disappointed.” Near- saying, “[it] alone is not a risk hair in a pouf, have an obvious- of Major Nidal Malik Hassan’s all “slipups” that occurred in ly all of the coverage is devoted factor” as well as that “religious ly fake tan, or enjoy battling to murder of 13 American soldiers Fort Hood does not make any to the safety procedures and pol- based violence is not confi ned house music with juiced, Italian on November 5th of this past mention of Muslim faith, reli- icies that were used to deal with to members of religious funda- guys, but simple logic can be year. gion, or even Hassan’s name. the event. There is a single page, mentalist groups.” Nothing was applied to both his and Snicker- After the incident came to Leaders of the review, Togo which skims over the massacre half-assed or forgotten here, doodle’s situation: you can not public attention, Islam was in- West and Vernon Clark, left itself, and no mention of mo- radical Islam was deliberately erase something from the past stantly called into question as these details out in what CNN tive. In defense of this, writers and intentionally omitted. by simply pretending it never the impetus for Hassan’s actions calls, “a reluctance to cause of- say they were more concerned Is it lying? I mean, so what happened. – a plausible idea, which was february 10, 2010 the paper page 9 editorials Please Don’t Feed the Poor: the paper’s view february 10, 2010 Why Andre Bauer is a “No Stockholm Syndrome Here”

Terrible, Terrible Man e, the collective editorial Hall, respectively. Because Wboard of volume XXX- they look about as pleasant as by Marisa Carroll ference “oops.” From CNN to Argentina to canoodle with his IX of the paper, wish to inform Soviet-era Russia. FEATURES EDITOR NPR to the Daily Show, Bauer mistress. The state legislature’s you that we have captured your Get rid of Residential has been hailed as a “total night- response: That blows, but let’s paltry liberal rag and will not Life. It is a source of pain and ndré Bauer’s grandmother mare” (-John Stewart); he was just hang on to Sanford and keep let it go until certain truths are insufferable humiliation for Awas not an educated wom- even criticized heavily by his that Bauer maniac out of offi ce. acknowledged and certain de- your student body. Burn it to an, or so the Lieutenant Gov- own party. Still, the best part of While I appreciate any attempts mands are met (or we graduate the ground. ernor of South Carolina told the saga is only now unfolding: to limit Bauer’s power, what is and run off to South America No more Basketball schol- residents at a town hall meeting Boyfriend refuses to apologize! this twisted concept of retribu- to evade our daunting student arships until we win some last January. Perhaps she didn’t In Bauer’s guberna- tion where Governor Sanford loans). fucking games. At the time of know much about his- The time has come for a this issue’s writing, the team’s tory, but she certainly new era of love and under- record is 2-19 with a 14 game knew a thing or two standing at Fordham, and for losing streak. Develop some about the magical that to happen we must rouse unorthodox methods to revi- laws of nature. the masses and tear down talize this team. Hire a coach “My grandmother Fordham University’s prover- who’s down and out and strug- was not a highly edu- bial giant statue of Saddam gling with alcoholism, pair him cated woman, but she Hussein. with a crappy team, and we’ve told me as a small And so we present these got the makings of an against- child to quit feeding demands to you, the Fordham all-odds comeback. Next sea- stray animals. You Administration; upon you, the son, that is. know why? Because student body; upon you, the Open up the underground they breed.” Alright, prospective student who is tunnels. Let us play out our Lt. Governor Bauer. confused by the cigarette pack spy fantasies, seriously. Are there any other on the cover of this bundle of Create, or at least con- Jeff Corwin inspired newsprint you’ve just picked tribute to, a compatible stu- knowledge bombs up. dent community on campus. you are interested in Remember the fi ghts from Give us something to do, god- dropping this eve- last semester. Keep fi ghting dammit! It’s ridiculous that ad- ning? “You’re facili- them. The library still doesn’t ministrators can self-righteous- tating the problem if have a 24-hour zone, the Walsh ly campaign against students you give an animal or Gate is still closed during the drinking while they supply no a person ample food day, and, and we still have no feasible alternatives. And do supply. They will re- free speech zone. Unfortunate- not suggest that we attend a produce, especially ly, these things didn’t fi x them- Broadway show instead of go- selves during the four week ing to the bar. That shit is for ones that don’t think Lt. Governor Bauer during hiatus called winter break. Re- Parent’s Weekend only. too much further than his stint as head archivist vive your efforts to attain these Sack whoever is respon- that. And so what at the South Carolina Soul things. sible for bringing Guster to you’ve got to do is Depository. you’ve got to curtail Acknowledge the rights of Spring Weekend last year. that type of behavior. students on campus by sup- Write them a very unfl attering They don’t know any porting the creation of a free letter of recommendation. better.” torial campaign ad currently wins a Cadillac, Lt. Governor speech zone. Though we love Hold your campus publi- Now, here’s a bit of context. running on real TV stations Bauer wins a set of steak knives, being called “the perfect exam- cations accountable. Do not Bauer presented these pseudo- in the actual United States, he and everybody else gets fucked? ple of free speech on campus,” accept the benign content and Darwinian ideas in a conversa- said, “I’m not surprised I’ve Let’s be clear: I’m not one to we’ll gladly step down in favor pedantry of The Ram. Like- tion about (or, an immoral cri- been attacked by Democrats have faith in my politicians, par- of, you know, an actual place wise, do not hesitate to agree/ tique of) welfare. Those 58% from across the state who want ticularly at the state level. Hell, for free speech on campus. It is disagree/discuss/banter with of South Carolinian students to keep the system as it is. We I’m from Illinois—my governor offensive that now, in this year us. We got entirely too few who participate in free and re- don’t mind helping out the tru- is “competing” in this season of our lord 2010, free speech is reader responses last semester. duced lunch programs, Bauer ly needy—the working people of The Celebrity Apprentice on not a given on a college cam- We know you folks got stuff to indicated, are rodent-like sex who’ve lost their income or NBC. It’d just be nice for once pus. Respect your students by say, and we want to hear it. machines. They must be cut off the parents who are trying but to experience a political system respecting their beliefs and Show some respect for from their access to lunch pro- can’t quite make ends meet. in which bad things happened to opinions. your LGBT community. Give grams before they produce rabid But frankly, we’ve had enough bad people. I want to create a gi- Remember that you are all faculty partner benefi ts, re- welfare babies for a new gener- of giving handouts to those ant Whack-A-Mole game where a university for students. gardless of sexual orientation ation of right-wing bigot-icians who simply will not help them- every time André “Archie Bun- No, we are not your success- (see page 3 for more). to complain about. But the Lt. selves.” He then suggests “com- ker” Bauer pops up and screech- ful, wealthy alumni, or even Never spend 40k to bring Governor wasn’t done just yet. mon sense policies such as drug es, “If you receive goods or “close enough” (*cough* a washed-up politician to “You see, for the fi rst time in testing welfare recipients” and services from the government, Denzel Washington *cough*). campus again. That reminds the history of this country,” he vows to “have the courage to then you owe something back,” But each and every one of us us, we also heard the College expertly explained, “we’ve got speak forcefully and truthfully.” a swift tap of the hammer shuts somehow gets you forty fuck- Republicans wanted to bring more people voting for a living Response to the ad has been al- him up for at least the next term. ing thousand dollars a year. We Glenn Beck to campus. Re- than we do working for a liv- most entirely negative. You could replace the charac- didn’t give you this money to ally? Disband them at once. ing.” Let’s cue up “Everybody’s Basically, André Bauer is ters when the next politicians be jammed and stonewalled in If you host another Par- Votin’ For The Weekend” on the why South Carolina Gover- fumble, effectively pulling them the convoluted cogs of the Of- ents Appreciation Dinner, do Tinker’s jukebox! Let’s cele- nor Mark Sanford has escaped away from the prostitute or the fi ce of Student Leadership and not require said parents to brate our unemployment, writhe impeachment after 8 years of racist healthcare bill or the troop Community Development. The pay $100 for a Sodexo meal. about in our collective sloth, personal and political failings. deployment plan. Best of all— fact that we have an acronym The open bar was nice, but if forget that South Carolina’s his- Sanford didn’t register to vote when the leaders fail and the for our student life says far too you’re appreciating someone, tory reeks of above-average un- until halfway through his fi rst stress builds and being civically much about the bureaucratic generally you don’t make them employment and poverty rates! term as governor, rejected stim- engaged fi nally get to be too state of our university. pay exorbitant fees to come to Of course, a fi restorm of ulus funds despite his state’s much—you can simply pull out Rename Campbell, Salice, their own party. criticism has been trailing Bauer 9.5% unemployment rate and, the plug. and Conley Hall Leningrad, Father McShane must ever since his little press con- let’s not forget, spent tax payer Stalingrad and Gorbachev ride the Ram. Just once. money fl ying back and forth to page 10 the paper february 3, 2009 Animal Martyrs Cohabitation in or, Inter-species Love in the Era a Nutshell of Devolution by Taylor Maier and Pat Murphy STAFF BROMANCE by Sarah Madges cage to reunite feather and fl esh, Away. Kaitlin and I were liv- At some point EARWAX EDITOR he fl ew at me with a vindictive- ing the college dream in our during that last sum- ness that sounded like a rapidly room one day, exhaling breaths mer before college, a The fi rst time I saw Zooey’s shuffl ed deck of cards followed of delight out our wide-open letter arrived at your face was also the millionth time by an infantile scream (that was window, and laughing at our fa- house containing the I’ve seen Kaitlin’s face. This me), and didn’t stop his stalking vorite episode of Stella. In the names and address- past summer Arts Co-Editor until I left the room. It seemed midst of our reverie, there was a es of your future Kaitlin Campbell fell into the winter had frozen Zooey’s heart, rap on the door. We opened the roommate(s). This habit of sending me phone- and I didn’t know if spring (se- door to see our stern-faced RD- person— or, in our camera-quality pictures of she mester) could thaw it. Every Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and case, people— would and Zooey in cutesy poses with day after the incident, Zooey her sidekick RA. Fuck. They likely be living with captions like: “Chillin’ with the treated me with a suspicious an- said they smelled weed. I don’t you for at least the next year. You im- mediately wondered: What do they like?; Will we get along?; are they clean?; Do they drink?; Do they Hated each smoke? These are other. but a few of the doz- ens of questions that the rule. So many of our peers ran through each of our minds (including many of our friends as we frantically searched their that are good and kind people) names in the group of accepted still hold grudges against their Fordham students on facebook. roommates, and, in fact, want Finally, after a couple of to torture them to an extent that awkward phone calls and mes- would make Cartman’s treat- sages online, we got to meet ment of Scott Tenorman seem each other on move-in day. Our tame (youtube it). This never happened :( other roommate, Will, and the With this knowledge, we set two of us all hit it off pretty well out to investigate the (non)-rela- and even started hanging out tionships that exist between for- more and more as the year went mer roommates. There’s a wide bird,” or “Myspace pic!” And ger that was never explained. I really know why they wanted to on. By the time the end of the spectrum of feelings that fresh- that’s how I fell in love. Zooey. would shoo him away and he’d tell us about their olfactory ob- year had come— and despite man roommates have towards Two syllables that elicit tenfold just shoot across the room to servation, but we listened atten- the fact that we all chose not to each other. Some became best emotions. Three vowels that perch on my bed—staring and tively, and explained that odors live together during our sopho- friends, living together for the move my bowels. He’s a para- calculating, a pocket-sized snip- often drift up from the ledge more year— we all knew that entirety of their college ex- keet— nay— he’s more than er. When before I daydreamed beneath our window. We were we would defi nitely be friends perience and remaining great a parakeet! With fl uffy snow- about Zooey’s little beak kiss- hardly through our fl imsy ali- for the duration of college. friends long past that. Others white feathers that tickle the skin ing my lower lip, I now had bis and nervous laughter when Despite the apparent suc- hated each other to an unfath- (and the heart) with such deli- nightmares of him clawing at the RD yelled, “Whose bird?!” cess and ease of our freshman omable degree. Some people cacy, and shocks of blue streaks my face or gouging my eyes. But soon they too were charmed year living situation, many of were just nit-pickers; some snaking up his chest, he became (Imagine if the Alfred Hitch- by Zooey’s demeanor, and they our friends and classmates were had legitimate concerns. Some my long-distance love: from cock movie also involved an simply told us to “get rid of him” either lukewarm towards their had random roommates; others Springfi eld, MA to the Bronx. interspecies romantic subplot.) by the end of the night. I was roommates or simply hated chose them before coming here. Though he’d never heard my True, Zooey was behind bars. devastated. Sure, we weren’t them. As we walked around Some lived on campus, others voice, I quickly became smitten But so was Hannibal Lecter. I getting along at the end of our campus, we could hear our fel- off. with the few chirps that made had to be careful. With every ef- tumultuous relationship, and he low freshmen complaining A lot of the random rooming it through my phone receiver fort to stir up old feelings, Zoo- had started internet dating, but I about the slobs and chain-smok- pairs, it seemed, were friendly, during phone calls with Kaitlin. ey got more violent, fl ying at still didn’t want to see my para- ing alcoholics that fi lled the but not quite friends. Others But then there were weeks of no my face and snapping at my ex- keet-paramour go. For nights I halls of the freshman buildings. formed great bonds, like the for- news, and I kind of forgot about tended fi nger whenever I called wondered if it just wasn’t meant We could only attribute their mer-inhabitants of ‘126’ in what him because I got really into out “Zooey birdie!” in a voice I to be…until I remembered the comments to the melodrama was then Alumni Court North. Californication,. That is until hoped sounded cute. I fi gured at time this squirrel we nicknamed of spoiled adolescents. Once According to Daniel Yacovino, I learned that he, the winsome fi rst that he just had cold birdie “Sparky” died of electrocution we had fi nished mocking these Andrew Gorman and Eric Hor- Zooey, would be residing in the feet, but when those feet started when he chewed on powerlines people, we could only attribute vath “ran that shit.” That whole Bronx this year. Yet even after slashing my fi ngers, I knew I’d near our high school, and we their comments to the melodra- wing of the fi rst fl oor of North fi rst semester was on its way, have to try something else. I be- didn’t have class for a week. ma of spoiled adolescents. Af- formed a strong bond, and many I didn’t get to formulate a true gan a before-bed ritual in which Sparky (RIP) was a martyr. And ter all, we knew (or had at least of the residents are currently liv- relationship with Zooey until he I’d climb cautiously on Kaitlin’s you know, Zooey was a hero too heard of) most of the people in ing with each other (or at least came to live in Martyr’s with chair, and raise my mouth so that day. So here’s to Zooey, my our year, only a few of whom in the same building). Others me after winter break. Sure, I that it was level with Zooey’s. feathered FWB. seemed truly intolerable. around the school, however, felt had to share him with Kaitlin. I’d say softly, “Zooey, baby, you But now that we are a few the need to take revenge on their But after our intermittent but know I wanna tap that ass,” ex- years removed from the fi lth hated roommates by doing un- intimate nuzzlings at the apart- cept really I’d say, “Zooey, why and overcrowding currently speakable acts to their pillows ment where he stayed, I was don’t you love me? I love you! known to hundreds as freshman or toothbrushes. confi dent we could pick things I love all birds! I don’t even eat living, we have the ability to So to all of you freshmen up where we left off—with them! I don’t even eat animals! understand the plight of a suf- who may be having problems Zooey pooping on my shoulder I’m taking a class on animal cog- fering dormer. We have come to with your roommates, remem- while I tried to do homework nition, and we all think you’re a realize that our situation was the ber: when it comes down to get- without disturbing him. genius! Let’s share bird seed!” exception, not the rule: Though ting along with them, it takes The next time I saw him But to no avail. Our relationship we remain close with each other balance. Find some common he perched in his creamsicle- became sheer avoidance and the and our third roommate— get- ground and have your fun, but colored cage, hanging from our silent treatment. So I pursued ting together every week or two respect your living situation. wall-mounted TV stand. Some- other interests that are illegal for a couple of beers and some And have fun in Martyrs’ next thing was different, though. in my dorm. Which brings me laughs—we have come to real- semester! When I took Zooey out of his to The Day Zooey Was Taken ize that we are the exception, not february 10, 2010 the paper page 11 Oompa-Loompas in the Mist: A Scholar’s Tale

By Chris Gramuglia do. Males can range anywhere surd or perhaps even worthy of of attention, however they do so in male Guido hairstyles that STAFF JANE GOODALL from fi ve-foot fi ve, to six foot- a Halloween costume. It is also in drastically different ways. If trigger aggressive behavior in two, however little else is known typical for many Guido males to one watches closely, it is plain females. Still, this has not yet The world we live in today is about their actual body size be- generally spend at least an hour to see that JWOWW(JAY-wow) been confi rmed by any real data, a deep, almost bottomless ocean cause of their excessive and longer readying themselves than and Snooki(Snu-KEE) both as it would be much too dan- of different cultures and ethnici- blatant use of anabolic steroids Guido females do before leaving dress themselves in clothing that gerous for myself or any other ties, and this truly is a beauti- and growth hormones. This ten- their respective dwellings. Al- is intended to expose their sex- researcher to get close enough ful thing. The way in which a dency to use anabolic steroids most all of these traits and ten- ual organs to males. However to one of these violent attacks. culture bands together to de- is most likely driven by the in- dencies have two driving forces: they are not exposed until a fe- Despite the fact that in the last fi ne itself and becomes unique nate obsession with being the the desire to mate, and the need male performs her own mating few years great advances have is a sociological phenomenon center of attention in any public to secure one’s position as the dances at local recreation areas been made in understanding that one can’t help but appreci- area, no matter what in front of these unique, strange, and some- ate and stand in reverence of. it takes. Skin tone is The Jagerbombs taste males. One times dangerous creatures, little However, this is not always as commonly altered like Jagerbombs! of the most is actually known about their wonderful and awe-inspiring as as well, and usually popular of origins or their future. Some it may seem. What I am allud- falls into one of three these mat- believe that the Guidorum Pet- ing to is the growing movement hues; Cheeto-orange, ing dances ropus came here from Italy, but that has sprung up in places like Oompa-Loompa, and is something this is not accurate, nor has it Staten Island, Long Island, and simply “fuckin’ tan.” similar to a ever been proven. In fact, there of course Seaside Heights, New Members of the tribe gymnastic have been minor clashes among Jersey. Yes, that’s right folks, who have achieved cartwheel, Italian-Americans and the I’m talking about the social the “Fuckin’ tan” col- but will only Guidorum Petropus that make enigma that is the Guido. Tan, oration, are typically attract males one wonder if they will be able jacked, gelled and adorned in alpha-males, and are if done to coexist alongside us if Staten Affl iction shirts and Ed Har- responsible for merg- while wear- Island, Long Island and Jersey dy sweats, they have arrived. ing his pack with ing a skirt were to ever run out of Heinek- Much like Jane Goodall, I my- other female clans. combined en light and Armani Code. self lived undetected among a Male mating rituals consist of center of attention at all times. with a thong. However, we need not fear the small Guido tribe in Westchester pumping one’s fi st in the air, Now, I think for the purposes of A second behavioral pattern Guidorum Petropus. After liv- County, New York for a number while simultaneously frolicking discussing the female Guido, a I’ve noticed among females is ing alongside them for years of years and have been compil- across a dance fl oor. However, dual case study would be highly a territorial desire to “start shit” it is my honest conclusion that ing various theories and data on this is only step one. I’ve no- effective. For this I would like for no clear reason. JWOWW is learning as much as we can them since their arrival. With the ticed that if a female’s ceremo- to discuss two female mem- a champion of this behavior, as about their original and mysteri- recent popularity of the MTV nial garb contains more glitter bers of the Jersey Shore named seen in the last episode of Jer- ous behavior is the best way to series “Jersey Shore,” I feel or design than the male’s, his JWOWW, and SNOOKI. After sey Shore in which she punched ensure that if such a day comes, that it is my duty to share with chances of mating with her are observing these two females, I The Situation, a member of the we can successfully live along- you the behavioral patterns and greatly reduced. It is not un- have gathered some interesting male clan featured on the show, side the Guidorum Petropus in lifestyle of this elusive genus to common for a Guido male to theories that I think will hold in the face. The reason for this harmony like so many various which I have given the nomen- dress in shiny, expensive cloth- true if put to the test. Firstly, behavior is presently unknown, cultures have managed to do in clature, Guidorum Petropus. ing that to any other member of it seems that females share the but I speculate that it has some- the past. Let me start with the male Gui- the homo genus would seem ab- male tendency to be the center thing to do with various patterns the tijuana street market* *(not as inappropriate as it sounds) by Mickie Meinhardt faces riding the car with me tiny stores all displaying cheap, say they’ve been waiting for us ness and eventual abandon- ARTS CO-EDITOR lack one key parallel – there is mass-produced clothing and all day. These brief interactions ment. The danger is real, but it no aura of defeat here. Anxiety accessories (replace the gold are the highlight of my day, for isn’t here on this street, nor is it The name Tijuana instantly is fl eeting in this perpetually chains with Taxco silver and the their optimism never falters de- in Ensenda or Costa Azul, the conjures images of dark streets golden climate; there is still a free phones for illegal pharma- spite the intense poverty that other primary tourist destina- lit by fl orescent bar signs, an sense of perseverance, if not ceuticals). Yet again, the Ave- characterizes this country – it’s tions in TJ. Before I depart my escape for bachelor parties and exactly optimism. We reach nida is not as sad; there is life uplifting. friend tells me it is nice here, spring breakers where wormy the border, stepping onto the here, and however much worse But business is slow. Very but “no one comes anymore to tequila shots are liquid courage tracks lined with a handful of the conditions are is barely an slow. I make a friend, an as- know that.” The media cover- for the deepest forms of sala- duty-free stores and a McDon- issue when weighed against the sistant salesman who tells me age of the Mexican drug wars ciousness. Tijuana could be the ald’s; that these are the welcom- silently acknowledged futility of the combined detriments of has ruined business; coaxing name of the most famous prosti- ing arms extended to the most that permeates the Bronx. Here, the global economy and the back notoriously skittish Ameri- tute in the world, her conquests heavily-traffi cked border city in the vendors and street peddlers Mexican confl icts. Even this cans will prove diffi cult. innumerable, her myth secreting the world is most inexpensive So we buy some woven a depraved allure that has noth- a depressing of day-trip towns blankets and tequila, scarf a ing to do with beauty. Yet in re- reflection “Perdona me, senor; is seeing tourism, couple of fantastic street ven- ality this courtesan is long past on our cul- donde esta la tienda its bread and wa- dor tacos (the greatest and most her prime, youth and prosper- ture. ‘Jimmy Jazz?’” ter, trip and falter legitimate Mexican food in ex- ity fl eeting memories that she After in the wake of the istence), and drop a donation to nurses in the lonely nights when crossing Great Recession. the wandering costumed maria- the lights have dimmed on her (which was I notice that there chi band. None of it we need, or tired face. Tijuana is drastically as simple are only a handful even really want, but the sense different from the tall tales that as a steel of tourists on the of necessity is so palpable that to paint it as a rustic den of sin; it turnstile and blocks-long street, do any less would almost seem is, somewhat, but far less than a guarded which the man wrong, like refusing to pay the one imagines – indeed no more archway tells me was once call girl after she’s given it up. than the very Bronx we live in. reading bustling. The en- Leaving in the late afternoon, The San Diego trolley took MEXICO) treats of the store- we encounter many Americans us the 20 miles from the city we hail a cab to la Avenida tirelessly call but always with a keepers are immediately less in the Customs line, all cross- center through steely outskirts Revolucion, the main drag for smile and smooth compliment; annoying and I fi nally recognize ing back to the homeland with to red-roofed cactus country, those seeking novelty trinkets these hawkers understand the the sadness behind the laughing knickknacks in black plastic suburbs littered with discount over strip clubs. Here is where benefi ts of a little chivalry (to cries of “Amigos, over here!” bags. We come and frivolously superstores and Taco Bells. It is my mental images fall apart: it an extent – they are not above – we may be one of less than a spend what is, to us, paltry dis- the same populace who fl eshes looks no different than the deep- dogged and unwelcome persis- dozen sales all day. posable amounts, all the while out Manhattan’s lower-income er reaches of the Bronx. The tence). This jocularity makes all There is a pseudo-mini-li- this meager coinage is some- communities, all people settling Avenida and the surrounding the difference and I have fantas- brary with books and pictures of one’s dinner or rent, someone’s to real life after a brief infatu- blocks are nearly identical to tic conversations in my garbled Tijuana’s history, dusty brown means of survival. ation and failed courtship with Fordham Road and the Belmont Spanish with wrinkled shop- snapshots chronicling the city’s In the end, we are exploiting America. Yet the burnt sienna community with hundreds of keepers who kiss my hand and rise to glory and fall to illicit- it. page 12 the paper february 3, 2009 NBA: National Ballistics Association? by Aly Kravitz So what is being done the Wizards will void his con- STAFF PISTOL DUEL about this problem? Both tract, which would result in a Filthy Knave! Concede my superiority the commissioner of the more substantial $80 million ‘pon the court or feel the sting of my NBA, David Stern, and loss, but since the NBA is a In 1995 Abe Pollin decided Derringer! to change the name of his NBA the Wizards immediately league built on stars and Are- team from the Washington Bul- issued offi cial statements nas is one of them, I wouldn’t lets to the Washington Wizards. amounting to a slap on the bank on it. Oh, by the way, you The crime and homicide rates players’ oversized hands. should probably know that the in Washington, D.C. were sky- The league also announced gambling debt that sparked off th rocketing and Pollin was grow- Wednesday, January 27 the whole ordeal was in the ing uneasy with the violent that both players are sus- amount of $25,000. connotations of the name. Well, pended for the rest of the Javaris Crittenton has been Abe, it was a nice try. season without pay. A pun- getting practically no media at- In December, Gilbert Are- ishment that severe has tention for his role in the inci- nas, the all-star Wizards guard, only been meted out on dent. There’s a simple explana- got in a dispute with a fellow two other occasions (one tion: he doesn’t enjoy the status was to Ron Artest for his that Arenas does. No one knows teammate, Javaris Crittenton, in ing further damage to a league infamous “Malice at the Palace” the locker room. The disagree- role in the Pistons-Pacers his name, he hasn’t played much already associated with thugs in 2004, when a brawl between brawl, and the other was to La- this season due to a foot injury ment, allegedly over a gambling and gangsters. members of the Detroit Pistons debt Crittenton owed Arenas, trell Sprewell for strangling his and he makes a paltry $1.7 mil- Now, I’m a diehard NBA and Indiana Pacers spilled into coach at practice in 1997). lion a year. Gee, I hope he’ll be resulted in the players drawing fan. In high school I planned so- the stands and got fans involved. guns on each other. Let’s not But how severe is this pun- able to pay the bills during his cial outings around big games, Two years later the echoes of ishment, really? Let’s do a little suspension. dwell on the gambling part (is and if I absolutely had to miss that day rang in Madison Square it even worth bringing up the math and fi gure it out. In July of I don’t mean to say that one, I taped it and watched it Garden when a game between 2008 Arenas signed a six year Arenas and Crittenton are ter- disgraced referee Tim Donaghy later (am I revealing too much the Knicks and the Nuggets yet again?) and skip right to the contract with the Wizards for rible people. They didn’t actu- embarrassing information for a dissolved into a similar melee. $111 million. This suspension is ally shoot each other, neither gun part. The fi rst question beg- fi rst article?) My dad would just Stephen Jackson, a Pacer who ging to be asked is: why did the going to cost him an estimated of them have a criminal past shake his head and say, “Aly, led the charge into the bleach- $9.9 million. That means he’s and Arenas has given gobs of players have guns in the locker I don’t know why you waste ers in Detroit, resurfaced in the room anyways? In response to still going to make OVER A money away to charities. All your time watching this stuff; police bulletins later that year HUNDRED MILLION DOL- I’m saying is that they’ve dis- that question, Arenas told team they’re all a bunch of thugs.” I when he got in a fi ght outside offi cials that he took the guns to LARS IN SIX YEARS! If he’s appointed millions of adoring would argue passionately with a nightclub and fi red fi ve shots not too busy trying to make fans, including the one writing the Verizon Center, the Wizard’s him, defending Allen Iverson’s into the air. My personal favor- home court, because he didn’t ends meet over the next nine this article. Abe Pollin, the for- poor grammar, Ron Artest’s at- ite incident took place this past months, he’ll be able to relax mer Wizards owner who tried so want them near his newborn son tempt at a rap album and the ink September, when Delonte West, at home. Oh, well that’s fi ne; in his recently renovated home. valiantly to circumvent this type scribbled on almost every single a guard for the Cleveland Cava- Over the summer he added a of issue with the name change, he was just being a responsible player. But even I am losing liers, was pulled over on his parent. Now that that issue’s man-made mountain and a pool didn’t live to read the headlines faith in my beloved basketball motorcycle. Upon investigation, with three fi sh tanks, one of proclaiming the news of the cleared up, another one arises: stars. police found a loaded gun in his why do so many NBA players- which has a recess with a couch locker room run-in. If he had he This latest incident is just waistband, another strapped to in it so he can sit in the tank and would have learned that, despite many of them millionaires with one link in a chain of violence his leg, and a shotgun in a gui- adoring fan bases feel the need look up at the fi sh (estimated his best efforts, a team by any that has grown as long as the tar case slung across his back. If cost: one million dollars). Wow, other name will still pack heat. to carry around automatic weap- one around Stephon Marbury’s that isn’t absurd enough, he was ons? Not only is it dangerous David Stern, you really showed neck. Let’s have a brief recap of riding a three-wheeled motorcy- him. There is a possibility that and often unlawful, but it’s do- the past few years: There’s the cle. Take a minute and picture it. Subway Vagrancy Or, the Triborough Nap by Sean Kelly undermined by sinister forces section of the station in order to to my left, I saw my roommate I had gotten on the subway in EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR far beyond my control. (of erroneously end up at the down- sprawled out across a different Union Square around 3:00 a.m., whether these forces were those town platform, which I was bench, and I was quite happy to and after a bit of thought I con- I awoke terrifi ed. In a sealed realize that there was more of cluded that the 4 train making its th capsule rocketing through an him remaining in the car than way all the way from 14 street underground tunnel, one tends just his gaudy rucksack. Should to Woodlawn, turning around, to lose almost all orientation I wake him up? No, spare the charging through the entirety of space and time, and time be- poor guy the crippling confu- of the Bronx and Manhattan, comes rather like a blob of wax sion that I was experiencing. and ending up at the (other) end on a sunny windowsill: retain- I’d deal with him once I had a of the line in Brooklyn in three ing familiar qualities, but mov- plan, so that maybe he could hours whilst I slept was entirely ing in quite unfamiliar ways. I have at least a shred of reassur- plausible. Unfortunately, not turned to where my roommate Home is where you ance from a source other than a only was it plausible, it had hap- had been sitting just minutes make it. demarcated Lite-Brite. pened. I buried my sullen face (or was it hours?) ago, only to After collecting all of the in my dirty palms as I came to a fi nd nothing but his black and information that I could, it was conclusion that no man should white checkered backpack in time to make sense of it all. My ever have to come to within fi ve his former stead. I bolted up in rational faculties awakened (al- minutes of waking up: I had my seat, which for a heretofore of my own idiocy or the bound- quite positive I had not done. beit in a sluggish manner), and missed my stop. By a lot. By unknown amount of time had less cruelty of the MTA I still All the cognitive dissonance and I began the frightful task of re- two goddamn boroughs. served as a mobile and bacteria- was not sure). The convenient nebulous information assaulting membering. I knew that I had Shit. infested cot, and, bearing the light-up stop counter featured my aching and dehydrated brain either: a) accidentally gotten I reluctantly walked over imprint marks of a railing on my in all new subway cars was tell- raised in me a radical doubt of on a downtown train, or b) had to the bench that my roommate pallid and blank face, I began to ing me that I was heading in the nearly Cartesian proportions. somehow slept from one end of had been calling home for the gather my thoughts and sloppily opposite direction of Fordham. Besides the fact that I was on the line to the other. The sec- past three hours and gave him attempt to patch up my fragile In addition to this disconcerting the 4 train, I was sure of only ond possibility seemed to me a hearty shake on the shoulder. mental constitution. bit of info, it also said that I was one thing: something was terri- at the time to be a bit of absurd He woke with a start, and looked So, I was on the 4 train— in Brooklyn. Had I gotten on bly, terribly wrong. lunacy offered merely for the understandably confused and at least that much was clear. I a downtown train by mistake? My bloodshot and half- sake of argument-That is, until disoriented. When he regained had gotten on the train some No, that couldn’t be. Although opened eyes darted frantically I looked at the clock. The of- his verbal faculties, he looked time ago at Union Square with my splotchy memory of arriving around the sterile, fl uorescent- fensive green and orange digital up and inquired, “Oh, are we my intended destination being in Union Square refused to yield ly- lit subway car, though my numbers of the time displayed here?” I sighed plaintively and Fordham Road. How long ago much information (despite my brain was too busy trying to un- on the LED screen near the stop responded, “Well, I suppose that this was, I had no idea. Howev- repeated badgering), I would derstand the situation to make counter taunted me with exactly depends on what you mean by er, I knew that somewhere along have had to go down an entirely much sense of any visual stim- what I had feared since my vio- ‘here’.” the line my intentions had been different staircase in a different uli. Thankfully, upon looking lent wake-up: it read 6:00 a.m. february 10, 2010 the paper page 13 Taking It Easy: A Student’s Guide to Appearing Sane Fiorina’s Ad: by Lauren Duca if your doppelganger is Ginnifer ex’s car with a butcher knife. STAFF GREG BEHRENDT Goodwin. She looks like you It sucks to be starving in Bad in a Baaaad Way in the thumbnail that is 1/16th Ethiopia, but at least if you are Trapped on the Ram Van the the size of your profi le picture no one tells you to “just get over other day, I was forced to eaves- because you both have short it.” When crush of your life #73 by Emily Genetta Carly Fiorina, who’s running drop on one of the most insipid brown hair. Susan Boyle looks turns out to be less interested EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR in the Republican primary for conversations I have ever not like you in the thumbnail too, than you may have thought, that a senate seat now held by my been included in. One girl was but you’re not calling her your is what you have to do. Isn’t it I am a very bitter, cynical girl Barbara Boxer. Fiorina, a saying, “So he still hasn’t an- “twinsy,” now are you? better if it you only feel semi- human being. Sure, much of this former Hewlett Packard CEO, swered me, even though he Being confused by this idea ashamed, like when you wake is probably due to some deep- actually has a pretty good seemed like he wanted to hang that you are the “exception” is from a suburban-road-induced seated trauma or psychological chance of winning. That’s out when I asked. I texted him a quick and easy road to take if driving trance to the radio play- pathology. But a sizable portion why I can’t pretend to like twice, called him, and then you want to be labeled a psy- ing Maroon 5, only to realize of it comes from having gained her, and why she can’t create called him on a different num- cho bitch. What does it take you’re sort of enjoying it, rather my political consciousness a ridiculous, whimsical ad to ber just to see if he’d pick up. to be given such a negative than extremely ashamed, like during the Bush era. Not (not) win me over. He did.” Her friend responded, reputation? Well, there’s a few when you’ve drunkenly yelled since Nixon has there been a Technically speaking, “He’s probably busy! He stud- ways. There’s clinginess, which at him across the room that you worse time to develop one’s Carly never created a ies a lot.” It was Saturday night, comes in the form of double are “his loss?” Perhaps I’m a faith in humanity as a whole ridiculous, whimsical ad; and that would have been a load texts, aggression, and includes cynic cause I have a lot of guy and government in particular... some mad genius named Fred friends. I’ve heard girls referred though I’d like to credit Barack Davis did it for her. The only to as stage 5 clingers and hip- Obama (and John Edwards) problem is that it fails entirely. popotami, and going into any with annihilating that last bit of Whereas Ralph stretched the non-platonic anything, I’d rath- faith in people and our ability to defi nition of ‘whimsical’ with er not be either of those things govern ourselves. his furry/bestiality nod, Davis (though if I had to pick, I’d go All this is to say that I’m breaks past whimsy altogether with the former). But the idea not one for the occasional and delves into terrifying here is not simply to avoid ap- forced whimsy of campaigning with demon-sheep-man a.k.a. pearing bat shit crazy. If you’re politicians. Watching clips opponent Tom Campbell (?). out cutting up some dude’s of Clinton on Arsenio Hall More upsettingly, the ad just. ride with a potential murder makes me want to break things. tries. so. hard. You have a man weapon, you’ll still be bat shit Watching clips of (other) in a demon sheep costume? crazy after reading this article. Clinton taking shots with the Awesome - that’s funny. You Figure it out. If he is not tex- good-ol’-boys makes me want exaggerate all the dramatic ting, calling, commenting, e- to break people. But, for some cliches of political ads in mailing, writing, smoke-signal- absolutely unfathomable reason, an attempt to be… funnier? ing or waving back he is just I love whimsical political ads. Satirical? ‘Aware’? Whatever not that into you, and there’s A small part of me even loves you were going for, three- not much you can do about it. the politicians who make them. and-a-half minutes of sudden Sure, you can try and make him Take, for example, Mike cuts and a cloying narrator is jealous. There will always be a Gravel’s Rock. I urge you to just fucking annoying. Most silver medal for your unrequited youtube this piece of avant- egregious of all is the mixed love who will willingly hook garde existentialism— though, metaphor; is Tom Campbell arms with you as you pretend to as bearchewtoy75 helpfully Anne Coulter: Stage 5 Clinger leading the sheeple, as the inadvertently strut past Prince notes in the comments, “if you narrator claims, or is he a wolf- Charming. And if it works, if watch it, it means in 7 days in-sheeple clothing, as the he actually realizes the error of you’re going to die.” The way video shows? I don’t know, his ways and begins responding Mike stares at you for over a and nothing makes me angrier of crap on a Tuesday afternoon. any attempt to take control of a to your various communicative minute before throwing a rock than an imiproperly-deployed Herein lies the main problem: romantic situation that doesn’t attempts, it’s still worthless. If into a lake certainly seems literary device! there are no resources for ra- occur on Sady Hawkin’s Day. he wasn’t interested before, he’s threatening… but also dead-pan I will defi nitely not be tional romantic thought. It’d be And then there’s actual psychot- not genuinely interested now, hilarious! Then there’s Ralph voting for Carly Fiorino, a great start if you stopped en- ic behavior, which can be found and is in fact only responding Nader in That One Ad with the mostly because I don’t like her couraging your hopeless friend, in various asylums, mental in- to his raging hormones, which Parrot, in which he expresses policies and I’m registered in and lay down the truth: he’s stitutions, and high schools. have now been ignited by jeal- his disappointment at the state Jersey, but also because her just not that into you. Now, that Now, I am not condoning clingy ousy. Consider his advances as of the world to the titular parrot. ad is truly a failure as a bit of sounds like a familiar movie. aggression or aggressive cling- special as the various boxes of He then ponders dressing up as entertaining whimsy. Political Except, the saccharine chick ing, but anything can be taken chocolates, nuts, and stale sugar a panda and “casting amorous commentators agree with me, fl ick you are thinking of was a too far. Let’s review the exam- cookies that my father receives glances” at another panda in except they think it’s a failure travesty of the message it pro- ple of the girl who walked up for Christmas in a huge basket order to… get attention? It as a political ad. It is. All of claimed. Let’s just make this to a friend of mine at Tinkers, from work only to be individu- worked; I forgive you for these ads are. But that’s beside entirely clear. Yes, Justin Long reached into his pocket, grabbed ally re-wrapped and re-gifted by everything, Ralph! the point for some jaded soul returned to kiss Ginnifer Good- what she thought was his dick, my mother. But don’t get too It’s easy to say that about like me, who only wanted to win, despite explicitly inform- and cooed, “Oh, what’s this?” down. Yeah, your little games someone who has no chance be amused for a minute or two. ing her that he was not inter- To her dismay, he responded, are useless, and your life prob- of ever serving in an elected I’ve learned my lesson, Carly; ested. The thing is, your guy is “My EPI pen,” and wasn’t kid- ably just got a lot more boring, position again. The situation is I’m hardening my heart a little actually not interested. You are ding. Or perhaps that of Keni- but at least now you don’t look a bit different when it comes to more. not “the exception to the rule.” sha, from VHI’s Tough Love, like a fucking idiot. Note: This is remains true even who slashed all four tires of her

The Ampersand needs your submissions.

Send fiction, poetry, and art to ampersand.submission@ gmail.com

Deadline March 3rd.

Tom Campbell?? Is that... You? page 14 the paper february 10, 2010 Skepticsim is sooo 2k9... Why Religion is Gaining Ground in the New Decade by Chris Gramuglia gious scripture told of a point your back, if you scratch mine” STAFF SKEPTICAL Feb. 10, 2010 in which the universe started. philosophy and maintains that it SKEPTIC “In the beginning when God is a means of animal survival. I created the heavens and the disagree. How can one explain I’d like to fi rst say that I earth, the earth was a formless the actions of charitable organi- hope that everyone had a Merry void and darkness covered the zations, or the decision of some- Christmas and a Happy New The Bible, by anonymous face of the deep, while a wind one like Ghandi or Mother The- Year. What? Oh, come on, you All the rage this year!!! from God swept over the face resa to help the sick or the poor? remember. Christmas - that of the waters.” Genesis 1:1-2. These are central themes in not day when you wake up early Sounds a lot like the same only Christianity but also in Is- and even though you don’t de- thing by a different, more po- lam - not atheism. Surely these serve them, there’s a shit-ton of etic name to me. And to think! altruistic individuals don’t think presents placed neatly under a People were still pooping in that the poor and ill will one glowing pine tree in your living buckets when this was written, day come back and grace them room. You know it has some- let alone doing astrophysics! with some sort of reward that thing to do with that guy Jesus I’d also like to address an- will aid in their survival. To as- being born like a million years claim they have no religious is that this theory forces most other hot topic of skeptic de- sume that would just be irratio- ago, and some wise men who affi liation. Nonetheless, I’m prominent atheists to hide un- bate; consciousness. Put simply, nal! It’s also worth noting that bring him cinnamon or some- sure you’re sitting back, say- der the covers clutching their consciousness is our awareness a great deal of the major his- thing, but screw that! You just ing to yourself, “I believe in microscopes and calculators. of ourselves, our own thoughts torical crimes against humanity got Assassin’s Creed II, and if the power of reason, science Strangely enough, a perfectly and the world around us that were not committed in the name you don’t play it soon you might and truth-- not fairy tales about reasonable, scientifi c explana- cannot, by another individu- of God, but in accordance with have to change your pants. angels and alternate realities. tion for why we are all here al, be seen, touched, heard or the secular idea that “God is Yeah, now it’s all coming back. I’m too smart for that!” Fair isn’t widely embraced at Ameri- proven by any practical means. Dead.” It was Nietzsche himself Far too easy, I’ve noticed, is enough. I feel the same way. can Atheist meetings or amidst It serves no Darwinian purpose, who spread the idea that without it to just yawn “screw that” But it seems a little pompous, the new regime led by Richard and to thinkers like Dennett, ex- God there is no place for moral- when it comes to religion, es- nay, a little ignorant to assume Dawkins known as the “Bright” ists plainly as an illusion created ity and although it may survive pecially in our early twenties, that everything in the universe movement. Here’s why. by the senses and fi ring of neu- for a time, it will inevitably even when we go to school simply occurred by random If the universe had a begin- rons in the brain. I think most be replaced by societal chaos. and live in a society that was chance, and that you me and ning then time as we know it would agree that this is some- In conclusion, I would like to built on religious principles. It everyone else in the world must have began as well. So what of an escape route for the point out that the purpose of almost seems as though unbe- are nothing more than fl eshy it can be said, in the words of provision of a real argument. It this piece was not to belittle the lief is just as trendy and cool bio-machines that came from author Dinesh D’Souza, “once would be highly offensive to as- choices people make in deter- as coming up with a nickname a primordial puddle of germs upon a time, there was no time.” sume that someone whose sen- mining their beliefs. However, for your abs and “punching and bacteria. That being said, Strange as a concept as this is, sory equipment was impaired it was meant to shed some light a bitch in the face” at a bar in for the remainder of this ar- it is widely accepted by physi- simply was “un-conscious” on the multitudes of propaganda Seaside. However, this is as far ticle, I invite you to forget the cists like everyone’s favorite, or operated on a lower level that are being spread on a daily from the actual truth as the nu- words Buddhism, Christian- Stephen Hawking. It’s a dif- of consciousness than other basis by self-proclaimed, not tritional information in the caf. ity, Judaism and so forth, and fi cult concept to grasp for just people…. right? The implica- to mention extremely smug, Regardless of what the con- as so many non-believers pride about anyone. What would tions of consciousness are vast, “smart guys” who have some- sensus is among uber-skeptic themselves on doing, think logi- it be like with no time? Does yes, but nonetheless they do al- how escaped from their labs and Darwinists like Tufts University cally and with a critical eye. that mean that I don’t get to lude to something supernatural. gotten their hands on micro- philosophy professor Daniel So, let’s address the Big Bang, smoke a ton of weed on 4/20, Lastly, in doing my best to keep phones and huge auditoriums. Dennett, Richard Dawkins, and the theoretical and spontane- or I’ll miss Keeping up with within the paper’s generous As a former skeptic, I urge you my favorite funny-man Ricky ous explosion that spawned the Kardashians? Among other one-thousand word limit, I’d to consider the vast amounts of Gervais, religion is on the rise. all matter and mass. The fact things, yes, those are both true. like to discuss human morality. evidence out there and I hope In fact, 81% of Americans align that most non-believers who It’s also worth considering that Richard Dawkins summarizes that, regardless of which name themselves with some form use this as their foremost de- before any of the advances in morality as an evolutionary you give it, you wind up believ- of faith, whereas only 14.1% fense against God don’t grasp, modern science or physics, reli- manifestation of the “I’ll scratch ing in something. “Who loves the paper?”

Do you love Kel Mitchell? Do you love the paper? If not, why did you take one? Give it back. If so, come to our meetings every Tuesday at 8 pm in the Ramskeller! “Kel loves the paper.” february 10, 2010 the paper page 15 arts

by Mickie Meinhardt duction company, a group of her Gaga (real name: Stefani Joanne gant shows that, in the long run, downloads available which are ARTS CO-EDITOR closest advisors and friends she Angelina Germanotta) and garner her more fame (and thus a prime example of how the re- assembled in 2008 during the catching Streamlines attention. more money). “Would she be cording industry has generally In the past week I have fi nalization of her album, The She briefl y wrote songs for New in the position to play in front become a true DIY phenom- twice found myself in the midst Fame, handles every aspect of Kids on the Block, Fergie, and of 20,000 people a night if the enon. Lady Gaga is not simply of heated debates -- not about the Gaga image. They concep- Britney Spears before begin- record company had not put up an artist under contract; she is a politics or academics, but about savvy businesswoman with Lady Gaga. The glam pop the panache to style herself, star has exploded in the past I am vastly superior to you. the brains to market it, and year, commandeering media the appreciation to connect attention all over the world with her fans (her Twitter, for her fascinating antics which she updates daily, and unignorable singles. She has 2.6 million followers). opened the 2010 Grammy From this great of a self-ex- Awards with a duet with El- posure comes an enormous ton John and walked away fanbase -- a hardcore and with two wins (Best Dance extremely dedicated one at Recording, for ‘Poker Face’, that. and Best Electronic/Dance If these on-paper argu- Album, for The Fame) from ments fail to satisfy those her fi ve nominations. 4 songs still skeptical of the true from her debut album reached Lady Gaga impact, one number 1 and her 2009 digital method proves failproof – sales reached over 15 million. Youtube video clips. One She even received her own of the two (long and alco- holiday -- Friday, January hol fueled) debates I en- 29th was National Lady Gaga gaged myself in this week Day. There is no doubt that the was settled by a viewing U.S. media is in the midst of of her 2010 Grammy per- a heady Gaga love affair, but formance. The group of the question posed by many skeptics were hushed and is: what exactly makes Lady quickly entranced as they Gaga so great? What makes watched Gaga appear (in her different from the average a futuristic, rhinestone- over-the-top pop star? encrusted teal leotard) atop One could differentiate the “Fame Factory” set, Gaga by noting her projected, ringed in fl ames and leap self-created character and down into a 2-minute rendi- her love of adding a little too tion of ‘Poker Face’ before much to every aspect of her she was carried off by her life – wardrobe, performance “minions” into a chute and set, hairstyles – is outlandish, emerging from its bowels even bizarre, but surrounds riding a two-way grand her in untouchable glamour. piano with Sir Elton John. Though many previous musi- The two soulfully belted a cians have donned ridiculous beautiful vocal mash-up of costumes during performanc- their songs ‘Speechless’ and es (she’s cited Bowie, Queen, ‘Your Song’. The audience and Michael Jackson as in- was captured by the typi- fl uences), few have crossed cal theatrics but held by a into the realm she currently part of Gaga rarely seen: occupies. There was her plas- her simple, pure singing, tic-bubble dress on the May stripped of the robotic range 2009 cover of Rolling Stone, modifi cations usually pres- her July 2009 gown made of ent in her recorded songs stitched-together Kermit the (note: the various ‘voices’ Frog dolls or her now-iconic tualize her next show or outfi t ning work on her debut album, the marketing dollars?” asked one hears in most songs is rep- hair-bow made of her own hair. and fi nd the right material and/ two singles from which im- Gaga’s manager Troy Carter. licated live, without the use of The list is endless. Fast-fashion or designer to bring them to life, mediately skyrocketed. Yet the Probably not. 97% of the shows computers -- it sounds techno, retailers H&M and Forever all under Gaga’s direction. record company was not given on her tour were sold-out and but it isn’t distorted by technol- 21 have both channeled her This amount of control spills traditional control over Gaga. the Radio City Music Hall show ogy). Perhaps this is the tru- into their winter collections by over into Gaga’s recording con- Instead, she negotiated a “360 earned $1.3 million alone. It’s a est test: when one boils off her adorning nearly everything with tract -- a free-form and very model”-- a new type of contract give-and-take arrangement with rhinestones, glitter and batwing sequins, fake leather, bows, and loose agreement with Stream- through which the company economic and creative freedom capes, one will fi nd Gaga still rhinestones. Her performance line which she negotiated her- fronts more money (for market- that few other pop-stars enjoy. has an amazing voice and can sets are as much a part of the self and which shows why Gaga ing and set design) in exchange Gaga herself also projects accompany it on the piano with show as her music -- The Mon- is not ‘just another pop star’. for a cut of the non-record-sale much of her music digitally -- mastery -- a skill few pop-artists ster Ball tour boasted a rect- Originally signed to Def Jam in earnings (from merchandise and though iTunes is negotiated via can match. Pop music is not uni- angular frame set likened to a 2005, she eschewed the label af- ticket sales) that artists normally Streamline, her Myspace and versal, especially to skeptical in- hollowed out TV and included ter being unexpectedly dropped. keep entirely. The company also Twitter, which have featured die critics. But the greatness of endless theatrics to create a From there she began perform- gets percentages of the earn- links to free-streaming or just Lady Gaga is something we all “pop-electro opera.” But Gaga ing in Manhattan as “The Ulti- ings from her M.A.C. cosmet- plain free downloads, are entire- can appreciate: she is a package, is not the fi rst to have either a mate Pop Burlesque Rockshow” ics and Polaroid partnerships. ly self-run. Undoubtedly, a lot a conception, and a business as massively expensive set or ac- with performance artist Lady While Gaga herself is making of listeners have obtained tracks much as she is a musician. She companying costumes – the dif- Starlight, crafting her outland- less money, she has the backing or albums illegally, but there demonstrating true mastery of ference is her level of control ish and sexualized persona Lady to create the fabulously extrava- are a fair amount of legal Gaga her craft from every level. over it. Her Haus of Gaga pro- page 16 the paper february 10, 2010 Monopolizing your Music: Ticketmaster and Live Nation to totally Blow Up Your Spot by Bobby Cardos venience fees” and Live Nation And while competition between CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF will often add the cost of venue two exploitative corporations I remember the days when parking to their tickets, ignoring isn’t exactly consumer friend- getting a ticket to a show meant the fact that some people may, ly, creating a market where the going to the venue box offi ce, you know, carpool to shows. consumer completely lacks op- lining up hours before they went The Department of Justice tions isn’t going to make things on sale and competing with approved the merger with con- any better. hundreds of other superfans for ditions meant to prevent what This approval comes only tickets a la Doug Funnie in that it saw as “anti-competitive” el- days after the Supreme Court episode where he met the Beets. ements of the deal. You would decision on Citizens United v. Okay, so it was never like think that, noticing blatant mo- Federal Elections Commission that. For the entirety of your nopolistic elements in the print, granted corporations power ticket-purchasing life, you prob- the Department of Justice would to help fund political cam- ably bought your tickets online. simply block the merger. And paigns (see page 5), and, albeit I write the haiku, If you bought them at a box of- you would be wrong. Instead, to a lesser degree, refl ects the on Valentine’s Day for you. fi ce, the person who gave you the DOJ made Ticketmaster li- frightening extent to which our You give me your blood your tickets did exactly what cense its software to Comcast, government has provided legal you would do online except they one of its competitors (whatever validation to companies, who would also hand you a printed that means when you have just were doing just fi ne overriding acquired half of the 20-25% the public all by themselves. To Hello Readers, ticket instead of waiting for it of the market you didn’t al- stay within the concert indus- If you’re worrying about how to make your Valentine’s Day in the mail. And though none ready have), and function under try, this merger seems to be one extra-special, you can stop now. We’ve put together a list of of us have memories of beating “tough antiretaliation provi- more kick at a music industry completely un-related arts events that will make you forget a stranger half to death to get sions” for the fi rst 10 years after that is already having enough about Valentine’s Day entirely. Except the last one, there’s tickets to that Bloc Party show, the merger. trouble with record sales. Oper- naked people. this online process has still al- The DOJ ignored the fact ating under the safe assumption But if you’re going to be sore about these suggestions, you can ways sucked. And it’s about to that Ticketmaster has exclusiv- that the deal will yield higher voice your opinion at the Valentine’s ‘open mic of love and get worse. ity contracts with the venues it ticket prices, it is going to be- hate,’ Feb 12th at 8:30 pm at Rodrigue’s Coffee House. Or you Ticketmaster, the U.S. lead- works with. Only 20% of these come increasingly diffi cult for could grab a 40 oz. of Balantine’s quality malt liquor, and ing online ticket seller, and Live contracts expire in 2011, the emerging artists and venues to meet me in the parking lot at dusk. No side-kicks. No dates. Nation, a major venue promot- rest later, which means that any sell out shows. Likewise, it be- -K.C. er and events coordinator, just got approval from the Depart- competitors (like the emerging comes unreasonably expensive ment of Justice to go through company Ticketfl y) have to bide for younger music fans with their time until these contracts limited budgets to see live mu- What: Come and See Before the Tourists Will Do - The Mystery of with a merger that has been in expire to even have a chance of sic, an essential element to any Transylvania the works for over a year. Hold- breaking into the market with artistic community, especially When: Feb. 11 – Mar. 13, 10am to 6pm ing an estimated 75-80% and any seriousness. Their inves- in a time where artists have Where: Team Gallery/ 83 Grand Street between Wooster and Greene HOWMUCH: N/A Why: Gert and Uwe Tobias are twin brothers from Transylvania After choosing from a list of titles of American and British fi lms about vampires for inspiration, they created vividly colored wood block prints that really are large-scale “posters” which pull sources from Bauhaus, vintage fashion magazines, travel posters, and fabric designs and will be displayed in this instillation exhibit.

What: Which Way, America? When: Feb. 18 at 7:30/ Feb. 19, 7:30 pm and 10 pm/ Feb 20, 5:30 pm and 8:30 pm Where: Leonard Nimoy Thalia/ 2537 Broadway at 95th Street HOWMUCH: $10 with the promotional code “10BUCKS”/$30 for people who don’t read the paper! Why: The Thalia Follies troupe will its sixth season of political ticket line for The Eagles: 2010 cabaret with songs, sketches, and satire, keeping a keen eye on our nation including a version of Fred Astaire’s “Cheek to Cheek” for the new decade called “Yemen - I’m from Yemen...,”Tiger Woods’ social correspondence, Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, tigation also excluded the ex- come to rely on touring and live bottled water, footwear, and other “Favorite Things” you can no 10-15% of the U.S. ticketing amination of TicketsNow.com, performances to stave off dwin- longer bring aboard an airplane and The World premiere of The market, respectively, a merger the Ticketmaster owned ticket dling record sales. ThreeTrillionDollar Opera featuring the smash hit “Barack the means that the companies would reseller that essentially repre- Unfortunately, the time for Knife” Wine and a “light evening meal” will be provided during have essentially total control of sents the company’s entrée into preventing this is over, and the the show. the ticketing market and a large majority of the production mar- the scalping world, where have means to combat it are fl edgling even been accusations that the at best (as mentioned before, What: The Nuyorican Friday Night Poetry Slam ket. company will withhold a num- Ticketfl y is one new attempt to When: Every Friday 10 pm Few venues, and even fewer ber of tickets for high profi le sell tickets online without outra- Where: Nuyorican Poets Café 236 East 3rd Street Between Ave B artists, have spoken in approval events to sell through the re- geous surcharges, but its venue & C of this merger. Zero turned Zeit- seller, allowing them to make reach is still too small to have a HOWMUCH: $10 and worth it. geist, Pumpkin turned Zwan outrageous profi t margins on huge impact). Hopefully, as the Why: Despite this events being featured in previous issues, I’m turned back to Pumpkin Billy events by scalping their own exclusivity contracts with Tick- including it as an incessant reminder to everyone who has not Corgan testifi ed before congress tickets. etmaster expire, venues will been to a Nuyorican Slam. You won’t regret it, go. on behalf of the merger, present- ing a statement that used trigger And now these people have investigate better, consumer almost total control over your friendly means of ticketing. Un- What: Naked at the Museum Scavenger Hunts for Valentine’s words like “synergy” and “sus- concert-going experience, com- til then, those of us who want to Day tainable,”—but this is also a man plete with the seal of approval support the musicians we love When: Feb 13 – 14, times vary who’s manager is the CEO of of your U.S. government. True, are also going to have to reluc- Where: The Met and The Brooklyn Museum Ticketmaster and who has lately a month prior the U.K. approved tantly support the corporations HOWMUCH: Price Varies. Advance purchase required. taken to cultism via the blogo- the merger of the companies, who make their concerts pos- 866-811-4111 or http://watsonadventures.com/valentinesday.html sphere. Both he and the compa- but in the U.K. Ticketmaster, sible. Why: Do. Something. Crazy – on Valentines Day. Go on a nies claim that their merger will even with Live Nation, only To stay abreast of the con- Scavenger Hunt with a team of two to six people to discover result in better and more afford- holds about half of the ticketing tinuing efforts to combat this secrets hidden in works of art involving nudity while tackling able services. This makes sense, market. In the U.S. Live Nation merger, go to www.ticketdisas- witty, tricky questions. No knowledge of art—or nudity—is since Ticketmaster is notorious was that competition, or at least ter.org. needed to succeed. for making your ticket prices as much as 50% higher after “con- had the most potential to be. february 10, 2010 the paper page 17

I want your Flex Dollars Be a Fat Lady One reader’s testament to the late J.D. Salinger by Kaitlin Campbell J.D. Salinger’s dead, and I’m a member of Salinger’s Glass ARTS CO-EDITOR getting old. family whose seven children There has always been an appear scattered throughout his On January 27th, around 4 element of guilt in loving Sa- collected short stories. Franny’s pm, I was packing up my things linger past the adolescent years brief but provocative charac- in the library, planning to get during which many of his fans ter development in the stories a bagel from the deli and take cultivate their attachments to “Franny” and “Zooey” which a nap before my next class, his writing – “Grow up,” we’d were published together in one when my friend casually pipes like to tell ourselves, “get over book, became a model I drew from her computer, “Oh, did yourself.” Taking one look at for myself to grow within. Her you know J.D. Salinger died?” the literary criticism directed proud dissatisfaction with her I don’t think Caroline was pre- at Salinger after “Hapworth 16, trite boyfriend, shallow college pared for the showy display of 1924” was published in 1965 professors and her own acting baffl ed exclamations, nervous – the last work in his public ca- career partnered with her over- pacing and dramatic gesticula- reer – you’d fi nd that the literary arching spiritual preoccupations tions which immediately fol- world echoed these sentiments. which render her helplessly lowed my reading the last sen- lost in her I know it’s cold as Daddy Mac’s heart outside and you’re tence in the own limited all deep in hibernation, abusing your recently replenished Look, there’s no Times article awareness Flexible Fordham Fun Money, but you really should get off other pictures reporting his rendered me the couch/bed and venture into the city these next few weeks; of him death, be- helplessly Febraury is ripe with amazing bands playing relatively cheap online, fore I could empathetic shows, including a FREE one at our very own Rodrigue’s OK? answer her: to this frag- Coffeehouse. ‘nough said, ya lazy snowbums. “Well, now I ile character. -MM do.” There was I could one thing claim I didn’t about Fran- Who: The Magnetic Fields take the news ny though, When: Saturday, 2/13 personally, that I could Where: Brooklyn Academy of Music but I then never under- How Much: $25 would be ly- stand – why Why: Seasoned veterans of not-quite-electro-pop-synth The ing to myself. she accepted Magnetic Fields return to the city promoting their new album, Ask anyone: her brother Realism, with (perhaps) a little more optimism. The stream of I was out of Zooey’s rea- sarcasm normally dripping from Stephen Merritt’s voice has it that day – sons for her been reduced to a trickle, leaning more towards folk than he has and I couldn’t to appreciate in years past. Sort of. The band still remains the vaguely sad and avoid telling her boyfriend mostly insincere champions of irony; their tour will be as solid everyone I and college as always. ran into ex- professors, actly why. to pursue her Who: A Million Years “J.D. Salin- acting, and to When: Friday, 2/19 ger died,” abandon her Where: Rodrigue’s Coffeehouse I informed spiritual pre- How Much: FREE! a passerby. occupations Why: FREE CONCERT ON CAMPUS should be reason enough “J.D. Salin- --and why, in but if you picky whiners need more… A Million Years is a ger died,” I the last line of fl edgling, Brooklyn-based quartet that’s been haunting venues told my mom “Zooey,” she throughout the fi ve boroughs with an energy and freshman on the phone. simply “lay grittiness reminiscent of NYC lovechild, the Strokes. You likely “J.D. Salin- quiet, smiling don’t know their name yet, but that doesn’t mean they can’t ger died,” I at the ceil- throw down (and all you have to do is walk next to the deli and told them all, ing.” pay no money). but I couldn’t tell them how Since Who: The Dropkick Murphys I really felt Salinger’s When: Wednesday, 2/24 about it. death, in ob- Where: The Wellmont Theatre As I con- serving my How Much: $30 tinued the own reaction Why: You might say I like the Dropkick Murphys because scheduled But literary criticism on to it and in trying to answer I’m a ginger with a name that is Irish for “drunkard”. And you events of my day, the more I Salinger, to me, was just more “why” I read Salinger, I might would be partially right. However, you can’t ignore the appeal proclaimed Salinger’s death in attacks on my personal love of have fi gured out why Franny of an angry Celtic-accented tirade squalling overtop epic riffs, a tone of earth-shattering im- his work –and these people had was able to simply lay quiet punching drumbeats, and bagpipes (always awesome). Irish portance, the more I realized I heavy artillery. The precious and smile at the ceiling. She music is always great to embarrassingly mosh around and sing had not a clue why it was so im- creation of “Zooey,” a short grew up, she got over herself. loudly with a nice beer coat on, blindly swinging your head and portant to me. I treated every at- story I’d formed an endearing The limited awareness she was fi sting the air as any true ‘mick’ would on any given night of the tempt at explaining “why,” with attachment to was “an intermi- helplessly lost in, under the week. the same defensive disposition nable [and] an appallingly bad guise of spiritual importance, I’ve always held whenever story,” to Maxwell Geismar only limited her ability to fi nd Who: Wild Beasts someone has asked “why” I read and, click-load-fi re, “a piece anything important. And it was When: Saturday, 2/28 Salinger. Caught in a fool-proof of shapeless self-indulgence” only through her brother, an Where: Music Hall of Williamsburg pride that I possessed something to George Steiner. I naturally other she felt more thoroughly How Much: $15 personally unique and special, I defended myself against these understood her than her trite Why: The Wild Beasts have made it onto almost every “Best of could only communicate that invasions with the same tight- boyfriends and shallow profes- 2009” compilation I’ve encountered in the past two months, and my love of Salinger was some- lipped haughty face I bran- sors, showed her the worth of rightly so: they’re bringing back glam-rock in a beautifully low thing passerbys, my mother, and dished on the day of his death, others. The next time anyone key manner, eschewing the typical excessive antics (sup, David even my friends “just wouldn’t called them all phonies, and asks me “why” I love Salinger, Bowie) for a ghostly falsetto echoing in and around a pulsating, understand.” nursed my love for Salinger in I might say “he showed me the softly thumping groove. They howl and moan and the melody Alone, though, away from secret – reading everything he worth of others,” or I could sim- shivers and shudders and shimmers and all of a sudden it’s the the judgment and misguided wrote that I could fi nd, and ev- ply point to suggestions for fur- quietest jungle anarchy you’ve ever heard. This is absolutely a pressures of expectation which erything written about him in ther reading. In any case, I have band to watch, and for $15 you have no reason to skip it. Salinger described so accurate- selfi shly-indulgent silence. grown up enough to not assume ly, and that he himself escaped I liked to think I particularly that they “just wouldn’t under- from, I answered the “why.” could relate to Franny Glass, stand.” page 18 the paper february 10, 2010

by Alex Kelso Award for BestAvatar Picture when withis Wolves.stuck James Cameronin Samsara the movie industry in general. To be a true movie/franchise STAFF SPACE SMURF Star Trek only gets nominations recycled old, worn out plots and Make me work a little for the fanboy/girl, it takes years of for technical categories. I don’t stuck them in a fantastic setting. message. Basically, my issue obsession and fandom, and the Pocahontas. That’s what I see how an incredibly well- He wasted the movie. I’m an- with Avatar overall is that it’s willingness to admit that you’re kept thinking the entire time I done movie that may revitalize grier over the wasted opportuni- worn out where it matters in a being kind of a nerd. was watching James Cameron’s a franchise and had an original ty than the plot itself. Cameron movie: the plot and message. Maybe I’m just a Star Avatar. Don’t get me wrong, I plot is being beaten by Fern has announced plans to make a It’s the George Lucas Effect. Trek fan that’s bitter about the thought Avatar was one of the Gully meets Smurfs in space. second movie. Hopefully he’ll When a director uses too much movie not being nominated for fi nest action movies this year The major problem I had use that opportunity to do some- CGI and new technology he ig- anything better than technical and I was entertained through- with Avatar is the plot. I knew thing a little more original. nores the plot and script. J.J. awards, but I feel that Avatar out the fi lm -- but that’s just it. I the plot just from watching the My second issue with Ava- Abrams is the only director I is being shown too much at- was entertained. I paid to for al- trailers. SPOILER ALERT! tar is the way that it crams its know of to escape this. tention. Perhaps the fact that most three hours of some of the Disabled marine goes to other message down our throats. If Avatar has also garnered a a Sci-Fi movie even got nomi- best cinematography and Sci- planet. Marine becomes alien you are one of the few people large fanbase. These fans are at nated for a big award will pave Fi I have seen since Star Trek. and meets alien girl. Marine that hasn’t seen it yet, the main the point where they have begun the way for future nominations, The acting was decent and Si- and alien start hitting it off and themes are Anti-Iraq War, envi- to speak the Na’vi language as if like Heath Ledger’s nomination gourney Weaver can still show he must learn the ways of the ronmentalism, and respect for it were a real language. This is for The Joker last year for su- the new kids how to do a good tribe. Corporate guy and Marine indigenous people. I personally Star Trek level devotion. Avatar perhero movies. But in the end action Sci-Fi movie. That and Colonel are dicks and decide to have no issues with any of the is exhibiting all the signs of a people will pay money for big she looks great for someone in wipe out aliens. Marine must themes of the movie and I sup- cult movie, without being a cult explosions, stunningly beautiful her early sixties. Overall it was choose between love/good side/ port them. However, after a movie. It has even started Inter- environments, and an incredibly a good popcorn movie and de- nature against his own species/ while they get a little old when net memes. I have no problem well constructed world, people, serves the billions it has made. people. That is more or less the presented so bluntly. All I ask with fi lms having large fanbas- culture, and setting despite the Now explain to me how it’s plot of three other movies: Fern for in movies is a little subtle- es, I include myself in several, recycled plot and blunt mes- been nominated for an Academy Gully, Pocahontas, and Dances ty. This is an issue I have with but they are band-waggoners. sages.

NOTE: IMAGES ARE NOT FROM THE SAME MOVIE

by Eamon Stewart grossed more than the GDP of are never successful in America like the plot to an Uwe Boll served as a breather from. STAFF CYBORG HEAD most Eastern Bloc countries (in- outside of the ten year-old de- movie. I thought so. People And why not go down that If they weren’t the most cluding those big ones like Rus- mographic (I’m talking about have accused Cameron of giv- road if you’re Cameron? If he’s absurdly rich people on the sia). If there is a man with the fi - you, Pokémon and Dragon Ball ing thin plots to his past fi lms, now the director of the two high- planet, I’m pretty sure most nancial collateral to do this, it’s Z). The idea that enough people but this is different. Whereas est grossing fi lms of all time, Hollywood directors would Cameron. But the stakes are too (remember since why should he give high for what he is now attempt- this is a Cameron a shit? Go ahead: not have any friends. If not Gimme gimme more ing, and the inherent dorkiness movie, this is a lot show me a movie for the millions he made, Tim (hands) Burton could be the middle- of his current projects will still of people) are go- about a cyborg girl age equivalent of that kid from be too dorky to cover the astro- ing to get excited made of pieces of high school who stood across nomical budgets we all know about a movie garbage that fi ghts the street and smoked cigarettes he’ll need to make these fi lms. based on manga is gangsters and an- in the morning attempting to be Based on the title, James a little far-fetched, gelic beings. And edgy. Michael Bay would be Cameron’s next fi lm should since the average make it as fucking an idiot savant whose only gift scream of masculinity and person’s response expensive as you was imagining inventive ways awesomeness: Battle Angel towards manga want. to blow things up, and Quentin (which he will be writing and isn’t exactly en- Which he will. Tarantino would still be a vir- directing). We know that pure thusiastic. In the He has already gin. Their propensity to enter- testosterone-violence cannot be realm of nerd said that Avatar tain us by preparing elements of the end of the story with Cam- pastimes, manga served as the test- their unusual niches in a large- eron, as his most praised ac- reigns somewhere ing ground to see scale, commercially-digestible tion fi lms (Terminators 1 and at the top with crap if 3-D fi lm technol- format allows us to tolerate their 2; Aliens) are acclaimed not for like World of War- ogy could become weirdness. They give us books their excessive violence but for craft. It’s a daunt- massively popular. we would never read, television the touches of humanity found ing task for Cam- Which it now is. shows we would never watch, in them (the underlying motif eron, and he also So here we go. Ap- and fi lms we would never rent. of both Terminators is the self- has to deal with the parently Avatar was So, suddenly it is acceptable lessness of mother protecting inherent stupidity just the beginning to be interested in these nerds, her child – and when Sigourney of what he will be of our journey into because everyone else is. And Weaver of Aliens fi ghts a matri- adapting. Hollywood nerd- they make their studios a lot of archal Queen Alien instead of a From what dom, and now that fucking money. The relation- patriarchal fi gure it represents I gathered from our dear expedi- ship between director, audience, who matters most in a species’ summaries, Battle tion leader Captain and studio is about to move ability to survive). Battle Angel Angel takes place Fucking Cameron into uncharted territory, and our would contain those elements in the 26th century and tells the Avatar may have lacked origi- knows the terrain is safe, he guide for this journey will be of classic-Cameron storytell- story of a doctor who fi nds a cy- nality, it did not have a plot is going to lead us further into James Cameron. ing, but there are two snags: borg head in a junkyard and re- seemingly written by a commit- this unknown land. He knows And seriously, why the fuck its source material is based on builds her. Somehow she magi- tee of twelve year olds. There the studios will follow him, but not? Cameron’s latest fi lm, Japanese manga and its plot is cally knows Kung Fu and then should be considerable fear that isn’t so sure about the audience. the special-effect-alien-robot totally fucking stupid. has to beat up a lot of people be- Cameron will take an awful turn Although we may follow him in war-bonanza known as Avatar, Manga, like most popular cause she has spiritual powers. and make these kinds of action the end, he shouldn’t be so sure has by conservative estimates entertainment things in Japan, Raise your hand if this sounds movies which he has frequently that there will be enough of us. february 10, 2010 the paper page 19

by Emily Tuttle some impressive guests when called “Wakai-Hito” down with and ash trays with cigarette tirety of the night. The event STAFF FAIL he gestured a bit too fervently him. “Venus Forge,” a modern butts, and was justifi ably swept predictably deteriorated into Tripping and falling in any and stuck his elbow through art piece by Carl Andre featur- up by this meticulous janitor. a drink-up that Fordham stu- public place has the potential the painting. Although the hole ing a The museum staff dents couldn’t possibly hope for embarrassment—particular- was expertly repaired, it proved collec- was forced to go to match. Adults got incredibly ly when that place is the Metro- to be a pricey, yet probably de- tion of dumpster-diving inebriated over the course of politan Museum of Art and your served, mistake—its pending steel to retrieve the re- the night, even vomiting, start- landing pad is an incredibly $139 million sale to art dealer and cop- mains of the ex- ing fi ghts, and passing out in expensive piece by Picasso. On Steven Cohen was immediately per tiles pensive work of the gallery. But the highlight of Friday, January 22nd, a woman called off. on the art. Some damage the night for the drunken rev- attending night classes at the Incredible clumsiness is ground, to artwork is a bit elers was climbing the statues Met fell into Picasso’s “The often the cause of these unfor- recently more purposeful. placed throughout the gallery. Actor,” denting the canvas and tunate missteps. Nick Flynn is suffered Anger is a power- A particularly violated piece causing a six-inch vertical tear perhaps the most shining exam- an even ful force to over- was Gaston Lachaise’s “Stand- in the lower right-hand corner. ple of this tragic fl aw. In 2006, larger come, as was the ing Woman,” a seven-foot tall, The 1905 painting is unusually Flynn bent to tie his shoes at the indig- case with Agnolo voluptuous bronze statue who large for the period at 6-by-4 top of a staircase in the Fitzwil- nity at Bronzino’s paint- was climbed, vomited on, and, foot, and features a tall, thin ac- liam Museum in Cambridge. the Tate ing “An Allegory allegedly, groped. tor on stage in an eye-catching He immediately tripped over a Britain with Venus and Luckily, with advances in pink and blue costume. Unin- loose lace and fell down a fl ight in Lon- Cupid”. In 2003 restoration the majority of these jured, save her dignity, the un- of stairs into three Qing Dynas- don. In Epic Fail a man punched pieces and others who suffered identifi ed woman is said to have ty vases. Surrounded by nearly 2007, the 16th-century a similar fate were expertly re- reduced the estimated $130 400 pieces of broken pottery, a child work during its paired. The outlook is bright for million value of the painting by Flynn was arrested on suspicion visit- time in the Na- the restoration of “The Actor’s” about 50% in one foul swoop. of criminal damage but eventu- ing the tional Gallery at gash, which is conveniently lo- Shocking as this was for the art ally the charges were dropped. museum Trafalgar Square, cated away from the focus of world, this woman joined what Flynn had been visiting the mu- became ill and vomited over a leaving a considerable dent. the composition. While there is in fact is a long tradition of seum while unemployed due to signifi cant portion of the work. The most fantastic exam- are possible complications, in- irreplaceable art pieces suffer- a back injury, but strangely suf- Modern art is assuredly just ple of museum visitation gone cluding questions of a double ing at the hand of the clumsy fered no injuries from his epic as confusing for museum work- wrong took place in 2006 at lining and even Picasso’s use masses. fall. He is no longer welcome ers as it is for many of its view- the Milwaukee Art Museum. of a recycled canvas, the Met is As recently as 2006, a dif- back in the museum. Illness also ers. In 2001, Damien Hurt’s A not-too-bright event planner confi dent of its recovery. After ferent Picasso piece titled “Le plays a considerable factor in piece “Untitled” was acciden- decided to hold a “Martinifest” a few months of careful work, Rêve” was torn by Las Vegas these incidents. In 2004, a sick tally completely discarded of by in a gallery amidst very pricey the tear should be reduced to a casino owner Stephen A. Wynn. patron fell at a Noguchi Exhibi- a custodian. The tableau includ- works of art. Guests could pay barely visible line in time for Wynn was purportedly show- tion in Sapporo, Japan, taking ed half-full coffee cups, empty a fl at $30 fee and drink as much the Picasso exhibition sched- ing off the valuable painting to an expensive bronze sculpture beer bottles, candy wrappers, as they would like for the en- uled to open in April.

by Nick Murray strand of pop music I’m discuss- yet maintain a distance by ac- music. By association, this anti- speech, but those people will STAFF NOT ASHAMED ing here—has something to do knowledging that it isn’t really intellectualism comes to be seen often still maintain a certain with a fear of deviating too far good music (as opposed to Griz- as a quality of the music itself. amount of distance from your In the three and a half years from heteronormative standards zly Bear or Kid Cudi or whom- If nothing else, it’s punished for songs, probably the last grasp since the release of her epony- of gender and sex- not having the self- of that anti-anti-intellectualism mous debut album, Taylor Swift uality, particularly congratulatory sur- (Gaga somewhat avoids this has crossed-over in just about those concerning face intellectualism by inviting overanalysis of just every way possible. From coun- masculinity. It’s of your favorite about all of her actions). Al- try to pop, from pop to indie, au- not a coincidence backpack rap. though a large number of peo- diences of both genders, all ages that when you hear But I digress. ple will fi nally admit to liking and all but a few contrarians someone describ- The success of Taylor Swift, many of these pop have sung along to “You Be- ing a song as a Taylor Swift and dilettantes almost justify their long With Me”’s monster hook guilty pleasure, that Lady Gaga (togeth- pleasure as if it comes in spite of at least once. Perhaps more re- someone is usually er their 2009 album the music, or more particularly, markably, Swift has transcend- a guy and the song sales easily sur- in spite of the lyrics. “They’re ed the guilty pleasure category is usually teenpop passed 5 million) dopey,” they’ll say (actually, no even moreso than Kelly Clark- (read: embarass- suggests that the they won’t, because no one says son did with 2004’s “Since U ing). For whatever growing number “dopey” anymore), and they’ll Been Gone”. In fact, it might be reason, “ironically” of people claiming be half right. appropriate to call Swift, along liking “Party in the not to have guilty Swift is probably her dopi- with her polar opposite Lady U.S.A.” protects pleasures may be est on “Fifteen,” Fearless’s fi fth Gaga, the fi rst stars of the post- one’s masculine serious. The suc- single, when she sings, “And guilty pleasure era. identity more than cess of these two then you’re on your very fi rst Before I continue, I should just admitting that artists may have date and he’s got a car/ And take a moment to talk about this it’s a great song something to do you’re feeling like fl ying,” yet thing we call a guilty pleasure. and catchy and en- with Swift’s super- such lyrics stand up in com- At this point in time it has be- ergetic and fun. earnestness and, parison to similarly-themed come even more cliché to dis- The second conversely, Gaga’s tunes such as The Replace- miss these phenomena (“Why reason is slightly endless posturing, ment’s “Sixteen Blue” and look should I feel guilty about the more ubiquitous but for today’s pur- remarkably strong when com- things I like?”) than to use them yet slightly more poses it seems fair pared to canonized camp like to justify the fact the fact that complicated, and to say that it’s sim- The Beach Boys’ “Be True to you fi nd the latest song penned more or less still ply because both Your School.” In reality, there’s by Dr. Luke or Max Martin in the hypothesis make great music. probably no other honest way catchy. Thinking about this sub- stage. To put it in Still, being the to talk the middle teenage years ject more than any sane person as few words as possible, the ever). The last explanation is fi rst post-guilty pleasure pop of one’s life. Still, such minor should, I’ve come up with three guilty pleasure is an extension largely an extension of this class stars is sometimes not all it’s complaints are a small price to explanations why people might of class struggle. Ultimately, struggle and takes the form of a cracked up to be. Sure people pay when Swift’s singles are feel embarrassed to enjoy a pop this has the same effect and al- reactionary response to an anti- will enjoy your music and fi nd still on the radio over a year af- song. lows one to slum in the tastes of intellectualism the guilty plea- your tweets adorable and feel ter the release of Fearless, and The most obvious answer— the masses by liking say, Toby sure-holder believes to be held bad for you when Kanye West she’s still posting those adorable and probably the most relevant Keith’s “Beer for My Horses,” by the masses who listen to pop upstages your VMA acceptance tweets. in the case of the particular page 20 the paper february 10, 2010

Jessica Valenti is one of the ass kicking-est young women in today’s feminist movement. After graduating from Rutgers with a Masters de- gree in Women’s and Gender Studies and breaking into mainstream women’s organizations like NARAL and NOW, Jessica wanted to “cre- ate a space where younger feminist voices were really the center.” Her solution was Feministing.com: a blog “for and by” young feminists. Now the most active hub of feminist activity online, Feministing provides smart, poignant, and hilarious analysis on topics as wide-ranging as vagina-shaped urinals to Roe v. Wade. Besides her own blog, she has written for The Guardian, The Nation, Salon.com, and a handful of other major publications and is now a best-selling author and winner of the 2010 Amelia Bloomer award. Jessica has stumped for feminism everywhere from the Today Show to The Colbert Report and, February 18, she’ll be kicking ass and taking names right here at Fordham. Before she blows us all away next Thursday, the paper staff is here to show you why we love Jessica Valenti.

The Purity Myth The Purity Myth is Jessica’s most recent book, and, at a time in which the United State’s teen pregnancy rate has risen for the fi rst time in more then a decade (according to a recent study published by the Guttmacher Institute), it is arguably her most important work to date. Valenti’s book is a full-fl edged take down of a concept she calls “the purity myth,” that is, the idea that a young woman’s worth is determined by her virginity, or lack thereof. She writes, “It’s time to teach our daughters that their ability to be good people depends on their being good people, not whether or not they’re sexually active.” True to form, Valenti’s book is funny and edgy, and incredibly well researched and informative. From the reprehensible and dangerous practice of abstinence-only education (here’s to you, Fordham) to the disturbing themes of father-daughter ownership and the sexualization of pre-teens found in purity balls, to legislation that punishes young women that dare to have sex, Valenti fi nds that the purity myth is all around us. Young women are constantly barraged by media and pop culture messages that urge them to be sexy and desirable, but if young women actually have sex, well then they’re whores. Virgin or not, young women in America are sex objects precisely because their worth is measured by their sexuality. Valenti details this problem, its sources, and possible solutions in a way that any young woman can relate to. This is feminist non-fi ction at its best: it leaves you shocked, angered, and ready to do something about it.

Yes Means Yes Yes Means Yes is an anthology Valenti co-edited, along with feminist activist and writer Jaclyn Friedman. The contributors to the book will be familiar to Feministing.com any follower of the feminist blogosphere— I can’t remember exactly when I started down that long, winding cyber- women like Kate Harding (of Salon), path into the depths of the feminist blog-o-sphere. All I know is that there was a Latoya Peterson (of Racialicious), and time— perhaps junior year of high school— when words like ‘transmisogyny,’ and Jill Filipovic (of Feministe). The overarch- ‘intersectionality’ (and ‘blog-o-sphere’) were not in my vocabulary. Shocking, ing theme of this book is rape culture, I know, especially in consideration of my passionate, sometimes-drunken rants. a concept that we have tackled in the Thankfully, at some point during my senior year I found myself on Feministing. paper many times. According to the book com. Divided between a community blog and a main page featuring an array Transforming a Rape Culture, “A rape of rising authors and activists, Feministing provides perhaps the broadest news culture is a complex of beliefs that encour- coverage and commentary of any progressivist, feminist site. Click through the ages male sexual aggression and supports links and you’ll fi nd yourself farther down the rabbit hole— at an ecofeminist violence against women…In a rape culture blog, a womanist news site, or even a lesbian separatist literature archive. To this both men and women assume that sexual day, feministing is still internet-feminism’s main portal, and it’s become real-life- violence is a fact of life, inevitable as death feminism’s major sounding board for young activists— perhaps founder Jessica or taxes.” Yes Means Yes not only looks to Valenti’s biggest accomplishment. expose the rape culture that we live in, it seeks to transform the discussion of rape culture by framing sex as a positive thing, something that women should not be ashamed of, something that is a source of power for women, not over women. Full Frontal Feminism Full Frontal Feminism is Valenti’s fi rst book, pub- lished in 2007, three years after she founded feministing. com. This book hits you –my friend Caroline let me bor- february 18 row it, assuring me “it would change my life,” and before I could say she was exaggerating, I read the fi rst chapter and was instantly captured by Valenti’s blunt presentation keating first of startling facts and her blunt quips about why we should care about them. “You’re a hardcore feminist, I swear,” she immediately told me, and I was shortly in total agreement. Valenti fi rst addresses many common misinterpre- tations about feminism, and many women’s own aversion to it –feminists are men-hating, ugly, and loud. Or, femi- nists are old white ladies and that feminism has already achieved its goal since women have “pretty much” equal rights. She responds to these views with powerful com- mon sense – feminism is empowering and not negatively based on “antis,” “Ugly and loud,” are subjective terms and women don’t need others to tell them who they are, and the stereotypes about old white ladies and dead-feminism are scare-tactics made to shut us all up. She brings up a damn good question for women: Why would we want to continue believing there is always something wrong with us? This book proves what she asserts in the fi rst chapter -“There’s nothing wrong with you [ladies]!” From reproduc- tive rights to the prison of pop culture ideas; sexist policies to tips for a better sex life; and the degrading stereotypes of both women and men – Jessica Valenti points the fi nger- doors open of-blame outward, provoking us to go beyond blaming, and start correcting. 6:30 pm february 10, 2010 the paper page 21 the paper’s big list WHAT The Paper abcdefghjklIs SELLING AT bcdefghijk THE SUPERBOWL throwing rice or blowing bub- power.” Fade to black. Cue up big game. One dude says to the of publicity as hordes of people by the paper bles) but we could get imagina- sexy Bud Light commercial. If other: “Yo dawg, wanna know with FAR too much disposable STAFF OF MILLIONS tive too. Just think of the play- that doesn’t get people capti- what would make this even bet- income clamor to nab a coveted SEVERAL ground possibilities, comical vated with atomic physics, then ter?” 10-15 second spot, and the inge- Do you smell bratwurst burglary attempts, and the new I, for one, have no hope for this The other: “What could pos- nuity and cleverness with which on the grill? Hear those beer school-time threats, like: “Don’t planet. sibly make watching the game someone would present their bottles click-clacking together make me shoot stuffed bears at By: Bobby Cardos with my main homie better?” personal image when they know in the cooler? See the obese you, dweeb!!” And even if you CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF The fi rst: “This!” *pulls that millions upon millions will men’s gold-painted breasts fl ap- don’t want one for yourself… out joint, an explosion of green see it. This could be big. Like, ping wildly in the wind? Why, who wouldn’t want to watch a Pot smoke fi lls the room with “WAAZZZUPP??!” big. of course you do, Fordham: it’s minute and a half of Japanese Booze, booze, booze. That’s chicken wings, Doritos, ladies’ So, I’ve decided that after I Superbowl Sunday! Or, at least, men in business suits shooting what the big game is all about. breasts, and unopened beers the build a vast fortune from claim- it is currently Superbowl Sun- pink plush bears at each other Booze and chicken wings. And dudes are too stoned to drink. ing the Great Pacifi c Garbage day as your paper staff slaves to show off their product? Plus, ladies’ breasts. It is no secret that The Philadelphia Phanatic and Patch as my own sovereign na- over its fi rst issue of the new think of the hilarious opportu- the formula booze + chicken Wally the Green Monster also tion and attracting tourists from semester. nities with translation or over- wings + ladies’ breasts = mas- appear, for obvious reasons.* all over Oceania, I will take out Although we here at the dubbing: “All your bears are sive commercial appeal. We’ve Imagine it. Everybody in a 30 second personal ad during paper are deeply dedicated to belong to us?” done the homework, Fordham. America would instantaneously the Super Bowl. It will feature this most major of sporting By: Sarah Madges We’ve studied the stats. start smoking the ganja. Conser- a slow music montage (song: holidays (which will not be EARWAX EDITOR Coincidently, the most suc- vatism would crumble and since “More Than a Feeling by Bos- covered in this week’s Sports everyone would be ton”) of me doing things like section because, well, we cut too stoned to drink, hang-gliding and wrestling large the Sports section), this year drunk driving would animals interspersed with short our eyes have been fi xed on cease immediately. shots of my sensitive side (i.e. the corporate side of the event. Downside: America’s stretching out on a bearskin rug, After years of enforcing a strict prisons would be playfully tossing around suds in “no advocacy ad policy,” CBS bursting at the seams. a bathtub, etc.). As the music allowed the anti-abortion group By: Rolly Donagan slowly fades, the camera will Focus on the Family to run ads STAFF STONE- zoom in on an amazing – nay, during its Superbowl coverage. WALL JACKSON nearly impossible – touchdown The network claims that its catch followed by a big tumble decision to run the anti-choice Kitten Mittons!! into the end zone. As the un- ads was not at all political. In “Emily Genetta known player stands up and light of CBS’s rejection of ads here, local business removes his helmet, the camera for liberal groups like moveon. owner and cat en- will zoom fast to reveal my face org and the LGBT-accepting THU-siast. Is your (on a heavily digitally enhanced United Church of Christ, advo- cat making TOO body), smiling and glistening cacy groups, media watchdogs, MUCH NOISE with sweat. I will utter the soli- and most savvy individuals all the time?!?! Is tary phrase “Call me,” wink se- have responded with a polite your cat constantly ductively, then rejoin my team- “Bullshit.” stomping around, mates on the fi eld for boyish This controversey has us at DRIVING YOU camaraderie. Foolproof. the paper thinking. If we could CRAZY?!?! [cut to By: Sean Kelly follow the example of Focus on cessful commercials that air cat stomping around, Godzilla EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR the Family and waste millions Large Hadron Collider during the Super Bowl gener- noise in background] Is your of dollars on totally stupid I thought that The European ally have to deal with booze and cat CLAWING at your FURNI- Big Money Rustlas Superbowl ads, what would we Organization for Nuclear Re- ladies’ breasts. Chicken wings, TURES? [cut to leopard maul- Some people love to kick pitch to CBS? search (CERN) should have paid not so much. But you can be ing antelope] Think there’s no back to a Western on Turner for an advertisement to raise sure some schmuck somewhere answer? You’re SO STUPID!!! Classic Movies. Some people Teddy-Bear Gun awareness for the Large Hadron is letting loose a primordial There is: Kitten mittons!!! [cut love the horrorcore musical The Superbowl features tons Collider, the particle-smasher “YEAAAH” with chicken wing to cat in booties] Finally, there’s stylings of Insane Clown Posse. of inventive commercials every that’s supposed to answer the sauce smeared over his face as an ELEGANT, COMFORT- Finally, these two groups can year, but no one has ever been Big Questions, like “What was he gazes lovingly at a pair of la- ABLE mitton for cats! [cut to come together for the Juggalo inventive enough to market an the nature of the quark-gluon dies’ breasts selling booze. But I cat walking on table in booties; Western Big Money Rustlas. abstract noun in tandem with plasma in the early universe?” digress. I am straying from my falling off table, cricket noises A Psycopathic Records their actual product…until now. and “How many licks does it point. in background] I couldn’t hear Presentation, the fi lm presents I’d like to see a commercial ad- take to get to the tootsie role …Which is, there are a hella ANYTHING!!! Is YOUR cat a “deadly tale of debauchery, vertising both nonviolence (or center of a Tootsie Pop?” In- lotta commercials during the one-legged? Is YOUR cat fat, hedonism, and family love” in at least creative violence) as a terest has dwindled since its Super Bowl that deal directly skinny, or an in-between? It which ICP’s Joseph “Violent J” commodity, and teddy bears. introduction because of a few with two vices many stuffed doesn’t matter, ‘cause one size Bruce, Joseph “Shaggy 2 Dope” Sunamiya, a paint fi rm based logistical setbacks, and really, shirts would claim are contrary fi ts all!!! [cut to cat, waving Utsler, and an array of other lov- in Imabari, Japan provides both the CERN needs to let people to American values: Alcohol at camera with my assistance] able, gun-totin’ Juggalos toot- of these things with their new know that it’s still there, ready and Sex. Why, I must ask, is KITTEN MITTONS: You’ll be and-holler their way through the creation that catapults cuddly and waiting to throw atoms at marijuana not invited to the par- SMITTEN!!! So come on down Wild Wild West. Advertising things into the air. one another and just kinda see ty? Our news media and gov- to PADDY’S PUB— we’re the this cinematic masterpiece dur- It’s called a teddy bear what happens. The ad would ernment would like to make us HOOOOOOOME of the origi- ing the Superbowl would take gun, and it does exactly what it depict a video of two footballs believe a little bit o’ reefer will nal kitten mittons! [thumbs mainstream America to a world sounds like it does. You simply being shot at each other from corrupt Amurica and turn all that up!!!] ME-OOOWWWW!! beyond professional football, pull the trigger and a tiny ted- opposite ends of the machine. catch a whiff of its potent deli- [sexyface]” Bud Light, and Two and a Half dy bear is propelled out of the When they collide, the pigskins ciousness gay and liberal (actu- By: Emily Genetta Men and introduce its polo-shirt gun’s barrel, equipped with a would explode outwards into a ally totally true). Certainly this EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR sporting population to the beau- parachute so that it fl ows grace- football stadium, from which is contrary to American values, ty of cowboy boots and black fully back down to earth, as all would come the planets, the so why not let the greenest grass Personal Ads and white facepaint. As Jack projectile teddy bears should. In solar system, the universe. We catch some face time along with One thing that the Super Donaghy would say, “That, my America these teddy bear guns would hear the ref’s whistle, those other two crooked sins? Bowl advertising line up has a friend, is synergy in action.” would bring about quite a dif- the roar of the crowd, and a For shame! lamentable scarcity of is per- By: Marisa Carroll ferent application than the cur- booming voice: “What if in the I can see the commercial sonal ads. Just consider the FEATURES EDITOR rent Japanese usage at weddings beginning, there was football? now. Two dudes just hanging possibilities: increased revenue (they throw bears in lieu of We can fi nd out. We have the out on the couch, watching the for the network, loads and loads page 22 the paper february 10, 2010 This album belongs alongside Four Tet’s Rounds and Amon Tobin’s Supermodifi ed as one of the landmark efforts of the electronic DIY movement.

BEACH HOUSE Teen Dream by Bryant Kitching

Since their debut album in 2006, Beach House have carved out a relatively strong niche in the “chill out” department of On February 1st in L.A., an had a slick, glossed over feel to be hearing Spoon sound this with a pirated copy of Fruity the indie rock world. Their self- atrocity to help relieve Haiti’s to it, the songs on Transference way. They have a tightness to Loops. titled debut, as well as 2008’s atrocity occurred. That is, 81 of are striking in how lo-fi they their music that’s rewarding in Enter Emancipator, the Devotion, although beautiful in music’s biggest celebs recorded sound. “Goodnight Laura” a way that many other bands pseudonym of 22-year-old their dream-like serenity, were a charity remake of “We Are the sounds like it was done in haven’t captured (probably Portlander Doug Appling. diffi cult to listen to and enjoy if World,” which was originally one take on a 4-track, and the best is the Talking Heads). If He has done what so few the listener was not in a certain released by famous folks like drums throughout have clarity they continue this formula, “laptop musicians” have frame of mind. Personally, even Michael Jackson and Bob Dylan reminiscent of an Albini record. retreading the known with a few done before him: create a though I loved both previous for famine relief in Africa. As far as production ethic goes, new hooks, people will keep perfect and indistinguishable releases by the Baltimore duo, This endeavor could raise mad the band is dipping into the 80s listening to them. It’s just too marriage of electronic and I rarely found myself searching money for Haitians suffering post-punk and 90s indie rock, good to pass up. live instrumentation. On his for either on my iTunes. This the earthquake’s aftermath. As recording music in the most MySpace he has pictures of can hardly be said about their RedOne said, “I have Haitian organic and natural-sounding his makeshift studio, which latest effort, Teen Dream. This friends and stuff like that, but way possible. Maybe they felt includes several computers, record is perfect to be played we’re going to be helping people that Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga sounded a MIDI controller, a violin, in cars, headphones, parties, that need help right now.” Lil too distant, and that they wanted a bass, an acoustic guitar, a loudly or softly, and is quite Wayne, Kanye West, Celine to inject some warmth, or maybe mandolin, an electric guitar, simply the fi rst great record of Dion, Wyclef, Good Charlotte’s they just thought, “Let’s try this and several effects pedals. The 2010. Madden bros, and Miley Cyrus, now for the hell of it.” aesthetic on his sophomore If Teen Dream had been for chrissakes, were among A little of that lo-fi mentality effort, Safe in the Steep Cliffs, released last year, it would have those who shouldn’t have ever crept into the songwriting as EMANCIPATOR is truly genre-bending and been overshadowed by the likes convened in one studio, and well. “Out Go the Lights” Safe in the Steep Cliffs refl ective of his kitchen sink of Veckatimest, Merriweather reportedly went for “a more sounds like it could have been by Lenny Raney recording philosophy, at times Post Pavilion, or Bitte Orca. But modern Southern hip-hop written by Paul Westerberg, evoking electronic infl uences with the clean slate that is 2010, bounce,” whatever that means. and “Got Nuffi n” structurally In the 21st century, the DIY as disparate as Massive Attack, we can take in every glorious Maybe I’m being too cynical bears a resemblance to early subculture added an entirely Thievery Corporation, and noise from Victoria Legrand and about a noble event, but you Fugazi, of all bands. But seeing new dimension. No longer Boards of Canada. “Trip-hop,” Alex Scally. Not only is Teen watch the Winter Olympics and that this is Spoon, you only get was bedroom recording solely “downtempo,” “electronica:” Dream great because it stays tell me the world is better for it. hints of other bands’ sounds, the providence of acoustic they all fi t as descriptors, but true to the band’s core sound, and otherwise the songwriting guitar wielding self-fancied only if used in tandem. If I were which will leave old Beach SPOON is the same as every other troubadours who could scrape to use one word to describe his House fans satisfi ed, but the Transference album. There is the song with together sound, it would album’s 10 songs also manage to by Eamon Stewart the catchy piano-led melody the funds be organic. The instantly attract, and sound even (“Written In Reverse”), the song to salvage a basslines are better on repeat listens. You’d Another Spoon album. with the bouncy and addictive used 4-track just as often be hard pressed to fi nd words Another slab of reliable, carefree bass line (“The Mystery Zone”), from an cello or double like “catchy” in reviews for any pop rock that, at the very least, the really chilled out minimalist electronics bass as they are other Beach House material, yet is diffi cult to dislike. They’ve song (“Who Makes Your shop (‘Sup, digital. Guitar I found myself humming tracks been churning out this sound Money”), and all of Spoon’s Bobby, feedback and like the album opener, “Zebra,” for a couple of albums, and at standard fare, with the lyrics loving synth pads or single, “Norway,” throughout this point it seems less about delivered in Britt Daniel’s intent Beam in work side-by- the course of my day on a trying to perfect the sound and yet not overdone vocals. The the Eye side in creating regular basis. more about tinkering with it by only song on the album that Syndrome). atmosphere. Not all the tracks are throwing a new instrument in on seems particularly unique is The advent On “Ares,” entirely brand new though; this song, or trying something “Before Destruction,” which has of widely available sequencing, he actually invokes the Bourne the slow yet bouncy “Used To just a little an unusually sampling, and editing audio movies soundtrack more than Be” was released as a single in more punk, grandiose feel software meant that an aspiring any electronic genre. High 2008, and its style shows more but not for Spoon. This electronic musician no longer timbre mallet percussion and of a Devotion infl uence. The enough is compounded needed an arsenal of Moogs, strings combine to invoke to deviate with the Korgs, and Rolands in order to cinematic tension, while from their fact that it’s produce professional sounding drums vary from inquietude trademark the album’s music. These programs have to glitchy blissful sound. Every opener. allowed everyone with a little cacophony. When listening album has Typically bit of time and a little bit of to this album, it’s easy followed this ,bands open creativity to create everything to understand that there pattern, and an album with from Dirty South rapstrumentals might be a tendency in the Transference something to glitchcore IDM, with more technically inclined more or less inviting undoubtedly mixed results. of us to deconstruct the does too. and later work in the more On the one hand you have songs. Is the drumming There is a new turn, challenging songs. Instead, the Danger Mouse, the less vocal real or programmed? What however, not primarily with album begins by throwing a half of Gnarls Barkley, and pedals did he use to create the songwriting, but with the curveball, returning to familiar DangerDOOM, who produced the sitar sound? However, the songs blend together beautifully production. With Transference territory afterwards. It works the seminal Grey Album entirely music is so breathtaking that it’s to make Teen Dream easily the band took up the producing as a nice change before the in Acid Pro. On the other hand, actually much easier to become digestible in one sitting and reins themselves, taking the audience is given what they’re you have Soulja Boy, who completely engrossed in the prove easy on the ears from quality of sounds in the opposite used to. credits his initiation of the listening experience. There are start to fi nish. But that’s not direction of Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga’s This isn’t to say that what nationwide proclivity towards no real highlights here, just 60 to say that this is background now that they are in control. we’re used to is bad. It’s still Supermanning hos three years minutes of equally impressive, music or something to drift off Whereas the previous album very good, and I’m still glad ago to late nights toying around equally pulchritudinous music. to. “Walk in the Park,” possibly february 10, 2010 the paper page 23 the album’s best track, grabs the YOUNG MONEY Beater” seem like the perfect her albums, but in Calcination it presentation, a reminder to listener with its catchy chorus We Are Young Money opportunities for her to return to is the driving force. everyone that courage is and uncharacteristic rises and by Nick Murray the smut potlatch, Nicki doesn’t The album opens with “Just not the absence of fear. The falls. Yet the song shows a more surface until her thirty-second Do It,” a song that starts with album reaches its catharsis melancholy side as well, as I can’t look at the We Are opening verse on “Fuck da a plodding, fat guitar that turns with “Strip Me Pluto,” a three Legrand sings about a lost lover: Young Money album cover and Bulls,” the album’s eighth song. around on a squealing high minute, reverb-heavy shout, “The face that you see in the door not see The Power Rangers. At this point, her presence feels note. When the guitar lets back beginning “So, we meet again.” isn’t standing there anymore.” At fi rst this was a half-clever like a pleasant afterthought, for the verse, her vocals come in Her journey is synopsized The common theme of heartache observation, but now I’ve come though it’s also a much-needed quiet and sinister. “Calcination” in the fi nal track, “Meet and and love lost coupled with the to see this whole mediocre breath of fresh air. Even if her doesn’t let up, opening with the Greet,” a nine-minute trip from trance-like beauty of Legrand’s album in this light. If, as lyrics don’t match those of her line “Welcome to my self made more atmospheric noodling, voice create a striking formula Method Man suggested, Wu- more recent mixtape, Beam Me sweatbox,” fl uctuating from culminating in unaccompanied throughout Teen Dream. Tang formed like Voltron, and Up, Scotty (“I just be comin’ off light strums to distorted accents, shredding in its fi nal minutes. The album hits its low point GZA just happened to be the the top…asbestos,” she says on coming to full fruition around It is reassuring to me that after “Used To Be” with two head, then Lil Wayne is Young “Bedrock,” making one wonder minimal but intimidating drums. Niblett does not run, evidenced mediocre tracks in a row, “Lover Money’s Zordon, the “powerful why these rappers are using There are times when I by the album’s tempo, rarely of Mine” and “Better Times,” but wizard and mentor to the Power their worst lines on the album’s walk into a house and know it much faster than plodding. This comes back with fl ying colors Rangers franchise,” to quote most fun and charming beat), is completely empty, feel it is will be a bother for some, who on the surprisingly explosive, Wikipedia. He assembled this she brings enough charisma to completely empty. Much like will think the album drags on Veckatimest-like “10 Mile group, and now his detached, buoy entire songs. that, you listen to Calcination too long, the songs often on Stereo.” Much of Teen Dream diminished head fl oats above Admittedly, print can never with the sense that she is in a the longer side for their simple sounds heavily infl uenced by them. do justice to a hook as poetically completely empty house, and structures. But when the mood the folks of Grizzly Bear at their Of course, Wayne’s presence unpoetic as “I wish I could fuck it’s a fucking big house, and is right, I’m more than willing most ambitious. This is to be on his new label’s debut record every girl in the world,” and the it’s not a place she wants to to creep around corridors with expected, though, considering is more than fi gurative; he lines I’ve selected haven’t been be by herself. So she turns her this album, daring my demons the two bands’ paths have been appears on fourteen of its fi fteen particularly fl attering. Most guitar way up to try and drown even as I pray they don’t call me crossing quite frequently lately. tracks. Unfortunately, his verses of We Are Young Money isn’t the feeling. Or she hits drums, on my bluff. Legrand lent her voice to a on those tracks are among the bad, per sé, but it isn’t good as on “Lucy Lucifer,” pausing couple tracks on Veckatimest, as weakest of his career. While either. Like the lyrics, the beats occasionally as if to summon the well as a track for the Twilight: many of the Young Money are adequate, but ultimately song’s namesake. Indeed, many New Moon soundtrack. rappers have picked up various too thin to deserve multiple of Calcination’s lyrics focus Enough cannot be said elements of Wayne’s style— listens. Ultimately, there’s too on the excising of monsters about Victoria Legrand’s voice. most notably the frequent much good music, much of and demons, both real and It soars out of its shell on the references to pro sports and it including rappers featured within her. The charm of this vocal showcase, “Real Love.” the stark descriptions of sexual on this album, to spend too album is largely the dis-ease it The standout track is just acts and desires—he seems to much time listening to work as creates and functions on, and its Legrand and a piano, and her have acquired from them the uninspired as this. triumph is Niblett’s aggressive voice has never sounded more belief that wordplay as fl at as “I poignant or mournful. It’s not keep her running back and forth hard to visualize her in an old, ...soccer team,” is clever. DIY downloads from DIY bands smoky jazz He raps (free & legal punk/folk-punk albums) club some the above line decades ago. on the album’s Legrand has second single, Erin Tobey: Booyah Grandma Demo one of, if “Bedrock,” http://www.ifyoumakeit.com/album/erin-tobey/booyah-grandma- not the best, which manages voice in to be enjoyable SCOUT NIBLETT demo/ indie rock, in spite of its The Calcination of Scott Erin Tobey is a quiet-voiced musician from Bloomington, IN, or at least poor lyricism, Niblet who has released one solo record on Plan-It-X Records. When the most and oddly by Bobby Cardos she’s not posting artwork on her website or publishing her zine soulful. eliminates the Here It Is, she’s recording earnest acoustic songs, four of which Her smoky phrase “like a,” To reduce Scout Niblett you can download for free on her Booyah Grandma Demo. The croon adds an element of soul as if the punchline needed further for someone who hasn’t heard innocently melodic “Follow the Trail,” is especially charming, and sophistication that comes to emphasis. Forget about the Lil the English songwriter, it and moves into a catchy blues piece, “Secret Letters.” If Juno fruition on Teen Dream. Wayne of Tha Carter series would be appropriate to say hadn’t ruined bands like The Moldy Peaches for me, I would Teen Dream is a promising or the Dedication mixtapes. “she’s like Cat Power when compare her to a tamer and sweeter Kimya Dawson. development in this Baltimore These raps leave the listener Cat Power still had balls—and band’s career, and it will most pining even for the Wayne who even that’s somewhat of an Defiance, Ohio: discography, through Creative Commons defi nitely send a fl ock of new adequately wheezed over 2009’s understatement.” fans their way. It also could very biggest This ignores the http://defianceohio.terrorware.com/audio.php Their band name itself sounds like the music Defi ance, Ohio well catapult them into a new beats on multiplicity of delivers: defi ant and punk, but also midwestern-style folk. Of stratum of indie stardom similar October’s her songwriting, these available albums, I especially recommend The Fear, the to what happened to bands like No as reductions Fear, the Fear and The Great Depression, which both romp Animal Collective and Dirty Ceilings. do, but the onwards with guitar, cello, violin, double bass, and raspy lyrics. Projectors last year. Some Even positioning is The Ghost Mice/Defi ance Ohio split is especially high-energy, may write Teen Dream off as a if We Are apt: minimal with the catchy and ironic antiwar testament “Tanks! Tanks! Veckatimest rip-off with female Young compositions vocals. But in truth, though the Money with powerful Tanks!” For frenetic but functional folk-punk, here’s your band. album does owe quite a debt to were to vocals and The Infl atable Ferret’s top album function as occasional use of Halo Fauna: Senescence of 2009, it’s better for it. Beach Wayne’s percussion. House may not be shattering any mailed- The http://www.ifyoumakeit.com/album/halo-fauna/senescense/ windows in terms of innovation in attempt to promote his new Calcination of Scout Niblett “Ballpoint” opens Halo Fauna’s short-but-sweet Senescence and creativity, but they are label, its arrangement leaves proves to be an odd leap with lo-fi songs that take the acerbity out of punk bands of its certainly exploring exciting much to be desired. Mack from 2007’s This Fool Can kind. Creative tempo changes and harmonized choruses reminis- new sounds and building off a Maine leads the rest of his Die Now, an album that cent of an edgy Sesame Street fl ow throughout the album, until template that has potential to labelmates by appearing on ten featured a lot of Will Oldham songs like “New Paltz Summer” that soften their sound. With make music fans very happy in songs, yet his uninspired lyrics and sounded like much of rich bass lines, biting guitar riffs, and laconic lyrics, Senescence years to come. are only matched by his bland Oldham’s collaborations do: raises and lowers your heartrate in the best way possible. delivery (on “New Shit” he pretty, swelling compositions chiastically concludes his verse, with arrangements that imply The State Lottery: Cities We’re Not From “Bitch, I’m Mack Maine/ I’m a large and talented friend http://www.ifyoumakeit.com/album/the-state-lottery/cities-we-re- Mack Maine, bitch”). On the base. To contrast, Calcination other hand, Young Money has sounds much more like Niblett not-from-2/ Like Jawbreaker with a more digestible voice and a little more a potential star in Nicki Minaj, ostracized herself from that Americana, The State Lottery brings an accessible intensity to the rare hyper-sexual female community, turned up the this eight song LP released on Salinas Records. The title track rapper talented enough to make distortion on her guitar and told makes you want to play air guitar or do push ups, and then fades a lasting impression beyond the Steve Albini to hit record and into more of the heartland-conscious ethos with the following obligatory Lil Kim comparisons. maybe a few drums every now “Two Way Street.” The album packs powerful punches without And while songs like “Every and then. This was an aesthetic Girl,” “Ms. Parker,” and “Wife that presented itself on many of losing musical sincerity or dulling its raw edge. page 24 the paper february 3, 2009

Jake Sanders: Phil Spector and the Wall of Sound

Gibbons Tim Luecke: Soup Kitten Lauren Duca: Ceci N’est pas une Comique

Want to submit to the paper’s new comix session? Apparently we’ll take anything! But seriously, we wanna see your stuff. To submit: Get yer ass to a meeting, every Tuesday @ 8:00pm in the Ramskellar Gibbons or, email us at [email protected].