Mckelvey-Awakening the Buddha Within
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Awakening the Buddha 1 McKelvey Running Head: CARE OF CAREGIVER Awakening the Buddha Within Care of the CareGiver Utilizing Chaplaincy Coaching, EMDR and Positive Psychology Written for advanced EMDR CareGivers Ann Marie McKelvey, LPCC, PCC, EMDR Consultant Upaya Zen Center and Institute: Chaplaincy Program I dedicate the merit of this dissertation to all sentient beings who are suffering. May they experience loving kindness and compassion in this very moment. Deep bows of gratitude to: My Dad, John Patrick McKelvey, for his continued, “Go get ‘em, Tiger!”confidence, faith and loving support in all that I endeavor. My son, McKelvey Dryden, for his ability to emanate deep love and stability in the midst of whatever. My daughter-in-heart, Lauren Lamont, for her willingness to love me for who I am. GB Cornucopia, whose initials are carved on my heart from many lifetimes ago. And to my Mom, Patricia “Trish” Ann McKelvey whose loving and loyal presence continues to live inside of me. Awakening the Buddha 2 McKelvey Awakening the Buddha Two Years Into the Chaplaincy Program Ann Marie McKelvey The cost of surrendering to the Buddhas of the Three Times Is less than the mortgage payment Less than groceries for the week at Whole Foods Less than the quest to the Emerald Isle Less than the time it takes to sink into the hot tub Less than “Words of My Perfect Teacher” Or the “Prajna Paramita.” Less than dana to Rinpoche Or Roshi. Less than a Leonard Cohen concert Or Yo-Yo Ma at the opera Less than the time it takes to pray the Hundred Syllable Mantra Or visualize Vajrasattva and his consort Yeshe Tsogyal. The cost of surrendering to the Buddhas of the Three Times is the cost of the moment. This moment. Sometimes it is more than I have. Upon Entering the Zendo In January, 2008 my Chaplaincy Program officially began with the Zen Brain Retreat. I arrived at Upaya Zen Center with fixed ideas and a concrete direction for the upcoming two years. My intention was to work solely with terminally ill people and their loved ones. This intention was a direct outcome of my Mom’s death along with the process she, Dad, my brothers and I journeyed through during her transition and after. In memory of her life The Toni and Trish House for the Terminally Ill was established. (http://toniandtrishhouse.org) Our first guest arrived three months after my chaplaincy 2 Awakening the Buddha 3 McKelvey training began in March, 2008. I viewed the official opening of The House as auspicious. I imagined creating for The House specific accomplishments, benefits, and outcomes directly related to my chaplaincy focus: End of Life Care. However, the above illusion was the beginning of a two year cosmic joke where the punch line became the mantra, “Take care of yourself first.” From the second week of the program my body began to speak to me of rest. I ignored my body’s whisperings and forged ahead…until I broke my foot…until severe headaches began…until three ribs were dislodged…until two other ribs were fractured…until the back pain rendered sleep impossible…until my lip wouldn’t stop twitching …until I developed asthma…until…until…until… STOP!!!!! And so I stopped. Until I would forget and begin the fast-paced life again. This paper is a result of remembering and working with myself and other caregivers to find wellness, balance and equanimity while living a passionate and full life. It’s about incorporating coaching, EMDR, psychotherapy, and Positive Psychology to my work as a chaplain. It is about discovering that I am my oldest and dearest friend…and I can count on me when I stop and listen. It’s about living and modeling the good life as a Chaplaincy Coach. Contained in this paper are case studies utilizing Chaplaincy Coaching, EMDR, and Positive Psychology applications. In addition, in the Appendix is the 24 week curriculum I designed and developed entitled, “Becoming a Wellness Coach: Living and Coaching the Good Life”. 3 Awakening the Buddha 4 McKelvey “Becoming a Wellness Coach: Living and Coaching the Good Life” is the manifestation of my chaplaincy program. It trains caregivers to find and model balance and wellness in their own lives first, and later to guide their clients to the discovery of their own personal balance and wellness. Currently “Becoming a Wellness Coach” is being taught to four sold out classes and a waiting list has been established for Spring, 2010. Caregivers are yearning to remember how to take care of themselves. As Chaplaincy Coaches we can easily fill that need and model wellness when we put ourselves first. Afterall, it is our life! What is Coaching? The International Coach Federation in a press release dated October 25, 2007, defined coaching as: partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. Coaching is a distinct service and differs greatly from therapy, consulting, mentoring, or training. Individuals who engage in a coaching relationship can expect to experience fresh perspectives on personal challenges and opportunities, enhanced thinking and decision-making skills, enhanced interpersonal effectiveness, and increased confidence in carrying out their chosen work and life roles. Coaching is not clinical psychology. The goal in coaching is not to diagnose and treat, but to rather help (in this case) caregivers use their inner resources 4 Awakening the Buddha 5 McKelvey to change their lives and live in wellness while helping others. Before Chaplaincy THE SHIFTING ENERGY FROM PSYCHOTHERAPIST TO COACH-CLINICIAN I had a successful psychotherapy practice in Santa Fe, New Mexico. My specialty was trauma, utilizing EMDR as the major healing modality, and I got burned out. What had led up to this? It wasn’t depression—I was watching out for that. No, instead it was secondary traumatic stress disorder or compassion fatigue. As with many clinicians, it had seeped into my psychological marrow without any kind of fanfare. It was disguised as exhaustion, lack of sleep, feelings of overwhelm, disturbing images in my mind’s eye, and an unruly dissatisfaction of the moment—any moment. It was time to dramatically change my profession. During this time I read an article about psychologist and educator Marty Seligman and a coaching school that trained mental health professionals called MentorCoach. MentorCoach was sponsoring Dr. Seligman in his upcoming 7-month vanguard teleconference class called “Authentic Happiness.” Dr. Seligman was past president of the American Psychological Association and his pet project at the time was generating a DSM for highly functioning individuals to keep them living what he calls “the good life,” a true handbook for mental wellness. 5 Awakening the Buddha 6 McKelvey While I was reading the article, a glimmer of hope began to emerge. I imagined what it would be like to work with highly functioning individuals who were focused on transformational growth, both personally and professionally. I experienced the gamut of emotions from excitement to fear to not being good enough to, of course, being too old to transition into a new profession, even with the transferable skills of psychotherapy. So what did I do? I hired a coach. The best one I could find. I also registered and joined the weekly Authentic Happiness class of 300 clinicians from around the world. Although we were all clinicians, within the class there was a dramatic difference in how we presented ourselves. I would come on the call at noon already tired, frazzled, and looking for chocolate from having visited a suicidal client in the psych ward. There were others like me. But the ones I was particularly curious about were the clinicians turned coaches who had the full vibrant voice, the deep compassion, the rapidly synapsing brain cells with the translucent clarity and joie de vivre of a balanced life. It was those people I wanted to emulate. They were alive in every sense of the word. They were having fun! They were Coach-clinicians. After a month the Coach-clinicians’ psychological spaciousness began to rub off on me. I felt relaxed. I laughed easily and became more lighthearted. I was becoming more aware of my body and how the inhale and exhale of my breath nourished me in a way it hadn’t for many months. 6 Awakening the Buddha 7 McKelvey I began to imagine working with highly functioning and resilient individuals who were ready to move forward into the future. I worked with my coach, diligently creating a coaching business that would sustain me financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. I began to transform EMDR, my major source of healing, from a trauma-based modality to a modality of proactively living and breathing into the mystery of the moment. I fell in love with EMDR all over again as my clients worked with the Standard Protocol through the lens of attaining their goals and dreams. EMDR was the modality each client used to encourage the unfolding of an enhanced life while developing action steps. EMDR TOOL KIT: MINDFUL ACTS OF MOVING THE DREAM INTO OPERATION How do we keep our caregiver clients motivated towards wellness? Towards attaining their goals? How do we move our clients forward when they become afraid of failing? When they feel anxious in stepping into uncharted territories? Or ambivalent and stuck in Negative Cognitions (NCs) of the Inner Critic? How do we help our caregiver clients become psychologically spacious once again? Answer: Combine the three prongs of the EMDR Standard Protocol with the skillful tools of coaching. Over the years I have collected many processes, exercises, and applications to utilize in almost every situation with clients.