The Reluctant Famulus # 77 September/October 2010 Thomas D. Sadler, Editor/Publisher, etc. 305 Gill Branch Road, Owenton, KY 40359 Phone: 502-484-3766 E-mail: [email protected]

Contents

Introduction, Editor 1 Old Kit Bag, Robert Sabella 5 Rat Stew, Gene Stewart 7 Kentuckiana, Al Byrd 9 Humor, Ye Editor 14 I just would not . . . Sheryl Birkhead 15 A reprint, ye Editor 18 Bad Places, Taral Wayne 26 LoCs 31 Artwork

Brad Foster Front cover, 30, 36, 42, 48 Sheryl Birkhead 8, 16, 17 (2), 53 Kurt Erichsen 5, 7 Alexis Gilliland 4, 34, 40, 46, 52 A. B. Kynock 32, 38, 44, 50 Joe Mayhew 18, 20, 22, 25 T. D. S. back cover (sketch found online) Aramgar (photo) 14, left column, lower Unknown (photos) 13 (2), 14, left column top

The Reluctant Famulus is a product of Strange Dwarf Publications. Many of the comments expressed herein are solely those of the Editor/Publisher and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts of any sane, rational persons who know what they are doing and have carefully thought out beforehand what they wanted to say. Material not written or produced by the Editor/Publisher is printed by permission of the various writers and artists and is copyright by them and remains their sole property. Permission is granted to any persons who wish to reprint material presented herein, provided proper and due credit is given both to the author/artist who produced the material and to the original publication in which it appeared. TRF maybe obtained for The Usual but especially in return for written material and artwork, postage costs, The Meaning of Life, , and Editorial Whim. The Reluctant Famulus TTThhheee LLLaaannnddd ooofff OOOppppppooorrrtttuuunnniiitttyyy Originally I had written an introduction comes the connection of which I speak. I am much like the previous couple or so, featur- distantly, and please note the emphasis on ing what I thought (apparently foolish) were that word distantly, to a line of Bordens who interesting science news items. The responses originated in and around Headcorn, Kent I received weren’t quite what I expected or County, England. The first of the American was looking for—but I won’t go into that. I line were Richard Borden and his wife Joan instead I have decided, in a sense to, follow Fowle, born ca. 1612. In 1635, they and their in the footsteps of Alfred Byrd and present first several children sailed on the ship Eliza- you readers some history which you might or beth and Ann, arriving in Boston near Rox- might not find interesting. For those who bury, Massachusetts. In 1638 Richard and his always skip past my intros, that shouldn’t family became inhabitants of the Island make any difference. [And that’s meant as a Aquidneck (the north end of the island of joke, people. Really] What follows came Rhode Island). They were staunch Quakers about as one of the results of my family and are buried in the cemetery of the Society genealogy research and though there is a dis- of Friends in Portsmouth, Rhode Island. The tant relationship to the subject of this article remainder of their dozen children were born it is not in any way intended as anything in America. more than an account of someone who did I skip a generation now and come to the not appear in any general history books or actual subject of this article, Richard and school textbooks. For the most part he was Joan Borden’s grandson Benjamin Borden II, just a regular person—or almost so. I wanted or Sr., and his son Benjamin Borden III, or to show there were others who had an inter- Jr.. (Which becomes somewhat confusing be- esting story noteworthy in some small way. cause Benjamin II’s father, Richard’s and But first—and I will strive to keep it as Joan’s son, was named Benjamin. To make brief as possible, a bit of background on my matters worse, of Richard’s and Joan's chil- connection the subject of this article. In trac- dren 8 were males and among all those differ- ing my Sadler line backward I uncovered ent lines there were 31 named Benjamin and some interesting family connections. Nothing that doesn’t include other Benjamins with major or of great historical import, no rela- middle names.) Benjamin Borden II was born tion to Washington, Adams, or any of those in Monmouth County, New Jersey in 1675. giants but unexpected anyway. My great- He married Zeuriah Winter, his first cousin, grandmother was Sarah C. Sadler. Her maid- sometime before 1700. They were residents en name was Mercer. Through her paternal of Freehold, Monmouth County, New Jersey line, she and I, and my children, are descend- and had ten children. January 8, 1700 Ben- ed from a Revolutionary War veteran named jamin bought 1,00 acres of land from Antho- Jacob Mercer who, though interesting him- ny Woodward in Great Docwra Patent, south self, is not the subject of this piece. Through of Arbeytown. This seems to have been the great-grandmother Sarah’s maternal line, start of his urge to acquire as much land as he however—and this gets a bit complicated could. because we’ll be going back before the Amer- Also in 1710, a somewhat interesting ican Revolution, so please bear with me— incident occurred involving Benjamin. It 1 seems a certain Moses Butterworth was newly formed county of Orange, Virginia. accused of piracy and of having sailed with He obtained from Governor Gooch a Captain Kidd. At one point during the exami- patent dated October 3, 1734, for a tract of nation at the Court of Sessions of Monmouth, 3,143 acres which was called “Borden’s NJ, another man, named Willet, claimed the Great Spring Tract” and situated adjacent to Governed and judges had no authority and he Greenway Court, the home of Lord Fairfax. would break up the trial. He signaled to some Supposedly that area, now in the city of Lex- armed men to rescue the prisoner. Benjamin ington, Virginia is the site of Washington and and his brother Richard seized the prisoner Lee University and the Virginia Military insti- and tried to take him forcefully but were tute. wounded in the struggle. Other men in the Benjamin was also promised 100,000 company rescued Benjamin and Richard and acres on the waters of James River, west of tore up the examination papers of the prison- the Blue Ridge, with the usual stipulation er. Butterworth escaped and 100 men held that he entice a hundred suck—er, settlers on the Governor, the Justices, the King’s Attor- the tract. ney General, the Sheriff, and the Clerk of the But it seems there was much uncertainty Court for five days. Later the two Bordens, as to how Benjamin Borden secured so large Captain Safety Grover, James Grover, and a grant as the one in what is now Rockbridge William Winter, all relatives, petitioned the County. He is known to have visited the colo- King of England to appoint a suitable person nial capital shortly before he met the McDow- as Governor. ells but to see whom and for what purpose is Back to the main subject. On May 28, apparently unknown. It was claimed that he 1715 Benjamin bought 1,200 acres of land somehow ingratiated himself with the gover- near Montatawny on the east side of the nor in some way, which may have been the Schoolkil River. (Oddly, to me, the transac- case. tion was recorded on August 10, 1731.) In connection with that claim, an absurd It seems as if, in every era and every story was spread that Benjamin Borden and country there have always been men (and his friend John Lewis visited the capital, women too, of course) who for whatever rea- bringing along a buffalo calf, and presented it son sought to make themselves wealthy in to Governor Gooch, who was so impressed some way. In the early days of settling Ameri- he signed away the title to 100,000 acres of ca one of those ways was through land specu- the public domain. Actually, buffalo never lation roamed in the Tidewater area but were plenti- This is where my distant ancestor ap- ful in the Indian meadows of the Valley and pears with any prominence. Benjamin Bor- were surely known to the governor. Gooch, den had at some time somehow become an one of the best of the colonial executives, agent of Lord Fairfax (hence the nickname was too sensible a man to be impressed by given to him of “Fairfax Ben”) While on a the present of such a shaggy and ungainly a visit to Williamsburg, Virginia, Benjamin beast. made friends with a man named John Lewis, Early in September, 1737, while on his the founder of Staunton, Virginia. Lewis was way to check out his land holdings, Benjamin so pleased with Benjamin’s business acumen, Borden encountered a group of people travel- enterprise, and social qualities that he invited ing to some land on which they were plan- him to an extended visit at Lewis’ home in ning to settle. The group consisted of Eph- Augusta County. raim McDowell, his son John, and a son-in- On January 21, 1734 Benjamin Borden law, James Greenlee. The younger men were was appointed to be one of the justices of the accompanied by their families, and possibly a

2 few other persons were in the party, especial- in the Shenandoah. On his homestead was a ly one or more indentured servants. Benjamin mill. It is said that he came to the frontier as arranged to spend the night with the group. a trader, and he unquestionably knew a good He told them he had a grant of 100,000 acres thing when he saw it. His prominence among on the waters of the James, if he could ever the pioneers in the Valley is reflected in the find it. He allegedly promised he would give fact that he was a justice of Orange County. 1,000 acres to the man who could show him A William Edmondson said, “old Mr. Borden the boundaries. John McDowell replied that was cunning and polite,” and that he had he was a surveyor and would accept the heard older men laugh in telling of Borden’s offer. After lighting a torch, McDowell fertility of resource in meeting all objections. showed his surveying instruments, and Bor- Where the timber was scanty, he was able to den showed his papers. Each party was satis- see “a fine young growth.” Where the soil fied with the representations made by the oth- was poor, he “grandly observed fine sheep er. Later, the house of John Lewis, where walks.” they stayed a few days, a formal contract was When Borden went back to his home entered into, the phrasing of which indicates near Winchester, he left his papers with John it was written by Borden. McDowell, to whose house many of the Accompanied by John McDowell, Bor- prospectors came in order to be shown the den went on from Lewis's and camped at a parcels they thought of buying. Three years spring where Midway now is. From this later, in the latter part of 1743, Fairfax Ben point they followed the outlet of the spring to died on the manor place he had patented in South River, and continued to the mouth of 1734, leaving three sons, Benjamin, John and that stream, returning by a course. Borden Joseph, and several daughters. The next could now see he was within the boundaries spring his son Benjamin appeared in Rock- of his grant. The McDowells had never heard bridge County with the authority under his of this grant, and it had been their intention father’s will to adjust all matters with the set- to locate in Beverly Manor. (which lay adja- tlers on the grant. He had, however, been in cent to Borden’s grant. Ed.) the settlement at some time before his All Virginia west of the Blue Ridge, father’s death. A Mrs. Greenlee, when she until the establishment of Augusta and Freder- first saw him, said Benjamin Borden, Jr., was ick in 1738, was a part of Orange county, and “altogether illiterate,” and did not make a the seat of local government was near the pre- good impression on his first arrival. sent town of Orange. But so far as treaty Even worse, Fairfax Ben's death left engagements had any force, the Borden Tract behind a major mess which needed to be lay in the Indian country. Borden remained resolved. around two years on his grant, spending a por- To be concluded next issue . . . tion of the time with a Mrs. Hunter and her daughter, to whom he gave the place they Two main sources about Benjamin Borden were living on when he left. II: As far as ready cash reserves go, Borden A History of Rockbridge County, Virginia, didn’t quite rank with some of the other early Oren F. Morton, B. Lit, Staunton, VA, The settlers of Frederick. But as a business man McClure Co, 1920 he was shrewd, alert, and tactful and what could be termed a gambler. Besides “Bor- A History of Augusta County, Virginia, J. den’s Great Tract,” and several much smaller Lewis Peyton, Staunton, VA Samuel M. patents in the valley of the James, he owned Yost & Co. MDCCCLXXII land in New Jersey and in several localities

3 restored. “It’s not a loss, because the pen- dulum is still there, but it’s a failure because we were unable to protect it,” he said. The circumstances sur- rounding the accident have raised eyebrows in France. The museum regularly hosts cocktail parties in the chapel that houses the pendulum, and Mr Lalande admitted that several alarm- ing incidents had occurred over the past year. In May 2009, for exam- I thought you readers might find the follow- ple, a partygoer grabbed the 28 kg instrument ing article somewhat of an interesting coinci- and swung it into a security barrier. dence. Amir D. Aczel, research Fellow in the history of science at Boston University, Foucault’s pendulum is sent crashing to described the news of the accident as Earth “saddening”. “It is certainly one of the most important 13 May 2010 historical instruments of all time. It’s a bit like hearing that one of the statues at the Vati- Clea Caulcutt reports can has been broken,” he said. Foucault’s experiment involved releas- If there were ever any truth in the esoter- ing a pendulum and watching the Earth rotate ic tales of Umberto Eco's bestselling novel under its oscillation frame. Dr Aczel said that Foucault’s Pendulum, it seems that the key to it brought “closure for Galileo” and led the that knowledge has been lost. Church to accept the rotation of the Earth. The original pendulum, which was used William Tobin, a retired astronomy lec- by French scientist Leon Foucault to demon- turer and biographer of Foucault, said that strate the rotation of the Earth and which the accident was embarrassing for the muse- forms an integral part of Eco’s novel’s um, and a blow for academia. labyrinthine plot, has been irreparably dam- Dr Tobin helped to identify the pendu- aged in an accident in Paris. lum used by Foucault from among the other The pendulum’s cable snapped last similar instruments held in the museum, and month and its sphere crashed to the marble said that examining old instruments in the floor of the Musee des Arts et Metiers. flesh “tells you more about the development In 1851, Foucault used the pendulum to of science than the written record can.” perform a sensational demonstration in the However, Thibault Damour, professor of Paris Pantheon, proving to Napoleon III and theoretical physics at the Paris Institut des the Parisian elite that the Earth revolved Hautes Etudes Scientifiques, said scholars around its axis. Such was its success that the would find comfort in the fact that the legacy experiment was replicated throughout of Foucault’s experiment, which asked “fun- Europe. damental questions about the nature of space Thierry Lalande, the museum’s ancient and time”, lived on in “Einstein's thought and scientific instruments curator, said that the in current experiments”. pendulum’s brass bob had been badly dam- aged in three places and could not be 4 influenced by the classic adventures of C.S. The Old Kit Bag #17 Forester (Horatio Hornblower), H. Rider Hag- The Lost Worlds of Science Fiction:: gard and Rafael Sabatini, and which were John Brunner many levels above the “horse operas” to which they were compared. In the early 1990s I began a series of arti- John Brunner was such a writer. His cles in the fanzine Lan’s Lantern intended to space operas were exciting, literate, thought- bring attention to several unfairly-ignored sci- ful, and invariably worthwhile reading. They ence fiction writers of the past. The first included the well-received Zarathustra Refu- installment was devoted to A. Merritt, and gee series and Empire series and notable the second installment to Murray Leinster. I standalones such as Sanctuary in the Sky, have decided to revive that column on an The Rites of Ohe, and Day of the Star occasional basis here to shine a light on some Cities. great writers who do not deserve to be relegat- But Brunner never received much ac- ed to oblivion. claim in the sf community for these early nov- John Brunner actually had two different els, partly because of their being perceived as overlapping careers as a major science fiction “space operas,” but also because most of writer. From the mid-1950s through the mid them were originally published as Ace Dou- 1960s he was one of the most prolific writers bles. Those back-to-back novels were widely of space operas. considered to be either routine works by jour- Space operas? That phrase still has a bad neyman writers churning out novel after nov- ring to many long-time readers but, in fact, el to make a living, or apprentice works by there have always been several different lev- upcoming writers. A telling example of the els of space operas, even prior to the mid- low regard of Ace Doubles is that the early 1960s when writers such as Samuel R. works of both Samuel R. Delany and Ursula Delany and Larry Niven finally gave them a K Le Guin were published in that format, and level of respectability. While the very name neither writer was known at all by the majori- “space opera” was originally derogatory, ty of sf fans. As soon as they moved into sin- intended to describe the lowest form of hack gle-novel format, Delany and Le Guin writing that did little more than translate achieved overnight success. Delany won equally-despised “horse operas” into space, back-to-back Nebula Awards for Babel-17 as far back as the 1920s and 1930s there and The Einstein Intersection while Le were writers who used space opera tropes to Guin swept the Hugo and Nebula Awards for write quality adventure stories which were The Left Hand of Darkness. 5 In 1964, Brunner started writing a series print in the decade since. That is a shame, of more serious novels which were far from since both his adventure fiction and his more both space operas and the Ace Doubles: The serious dystopias are outstanding examples Whole Man was a study of an evolved of the best science fiction has to offer in both human, similar to and A. E. van Vogt’s Slan areas, and are highly-recommended reading and Theodore Sturgeon’s More Than for anybody looking for a satisfying science Human. The Squares of the City was based fiction experience. on a classic chess match. Although he was still publishing his literate space operas at Chronology this time also (such as 1965’s The Alter on 1934 Born September 30, in Oxfordshire, Asconel and Day of the Star Cities), critics England. began taking a more serious look at Brunner. Then came the revelation, 1968’s Stand 1953 First American publication, “Thou on Zanzibar, a major dystopia concerned Good and Faithful”, in Astounding. with overpopulation which combined a sharp plot with deft characterization and some 1962 Publication of first Zarathustra Refugee experimental writing. It won that year’s Planets novel Secret Agent of Terra (later Hugo Award as Best Novel, and was fol- The Avengers of Carrig). lowed the next half-dozen years by other satires The Jagged Orbit (which I consid- 1963 Publication of first Empire novel Cast- ered an even better novel than Stand on away’s World (later Polymath). Zanzibar), The Shockwave Rider and The Sheep Look Up. By this time, Brunner was 1964 The Whole Man published. no longer viewed as a writer of competent adventure fiction, but one of science fiction’s 1965 The Squares of the City published. major writers. However, acclaimed though the satires 1969 Stand on Zanzibar wins Hugo Award were, they did not achieve the popular suc- as Best Novel. cess Brunner needed to make a living as a Publication of The Jagged Orbit. writer, plus his health began declining. Some- what reluctantly he returned to adventure fic- 1971 Publication of The Traveler in Black. tion, but with a notable difference. The light, positive attitude of his earlier novels was 1972 The Sheep Look Up published. replaced by a darker, more thoughtful feel to them. This had the effect of neither satisfying 1974 Publication of Total Eclipse. Brunner’s early fans (too dark) nor his recent fans (too prosaic), so while his later novels 1975 The Shockwave Rider published. such as Children of the Thunder, The Cru- Voted 9th best All-time Science Fiction Nov- cible of Time, The Dramaturges of Yan, elist in Locus poll. The Infinitive of Go, Total Eclipse and A Maze of Stars were still worthy of Brunner’s 1976 The Book of John Brunner published. talent, they were less successful both commer- cially and critically that they should have 1983 Guest of Honor at Baltimore World Sci- been. ence Fiction Convention. Brunner died abruptly in 1995 while attending a World Science Fiction Conven- 1995 Dies August 25. tion, and his fiction has gradually gone out of

6 Let’s use scale logic to refute that asser- The Epistemology Ploy tion. It is more reasonable to think cold war- riors developed a plan to win the Cold War The Extra-Terrestrial Hypothesis, ETH, without firing a shot. They recruited young uses space aliens to explain UFOs, the abduc- test pilots, the best they could find, and told tion phenomenon, the origins of the human them they were to be astronauts. They would race, why homo sapiens sapiens suddenly be trained, tested, and honed to become leaped ahead in tool use and brain capacity, America’s genuine elite. In the process they and many other things. would become heroes and reap the benefits It is often debunked by scale logic, stat- of fame and glory. ed thusly: No matter how far-fetched an Of course they competed eagerly to be explanation, it will be at least an order of included, and the first tests weeded out all magnitude less far-fetched than the ETH, due but the most patriotic, the most dedicated, to the distances and times involved, the vast- and the most able. ness of the universe, and our relative tiny These few, the Mercury Seven for size and importance. starters, were then told that they had actually It is, this logic insists, more likely that been recruited to be the vanguard of a daring millions of people worldwide are having the attempt to win the Cold War. They would exact same delusion that is that space aliens become spies of sorts, the term “astronaut” have traversed the vastness of space, found being code for “in on the scam”. Earth, and singled out various people for anal The scam? Force the Soviets to spend probes and other experiments. themselves to bankruptcy by faking a hugely It seems impeccable, this logic. It is sen- expensive space program that would ultimate- sible, proportionate, and persuasive, if not ly “put us on the moon” to all appearances. convincing. It’s used to ridicule those who The astronauts would be going along object to lone gunmen, buildings that fall with a magnificent charade and, if any down with no airplane strikes, and electronic balked, talk of National Security would usual- hanging chads in voting machines, among ly suffice to keep them in line. Otherwise, many other things. accidents happen. Grissom, Chaffee, and It can also be applied, however, to the White learned that lesson in a flash. Sacri- defense of assertions generally considered fices must be made to maintain National whackdoodle. Security secrets. And by scale logic, yes, it makes far Example: We landed men on the Moon. more sense to spend hundreds of millions of 7 dollars, develop an industrial infrastructure, worked for decades; who would ever know, and to compartmentalize and contain thou- it was so compartmentalized even Presidents sands of people over several decades in order were not always brought into the know about to have a tight few in on the faking of moon it. And there was always the EBE to show landings. Real astronauts doing real space them, the Extraterrestrial Biological Entity. work, and exposing themselves to real dan- Such a scenario could well be in place, gers, provides wonderful cover. who knows? If interest in the space program flags mid- Of course, this means demonizing any- way, fake a near-disaster complete with sus- one who questions it. We can link them to pense, human drama, and amazing luck. UFO nut jobs and ridicule them as conspir- We’ll call it Apollo 13. Ron Opie Cunning- acists. We’ll make it social and political sui- ham Howard can film it later with Tom cide to question the orthodox view on things. Hanks, it’ll be great. The usual refutation of fringe theory is Using this logic, Peter Hyams would thus seen as also a handy defense of lies, write a film about a faked Mars landing, deceptions, and disinformation programs. CAPRICOR* O*E, featuring O. J. Simp- And if it cuts both ways, maybe it son’s finest acting, at least until he claimed doesn’t prove anything but our own convic- innocence years later. tions. Now we don’t have to solve all the radi- If that’s true, then we’re still in free fall. cal, difficult problems, only pretend to. Only See why we cling to such logic so tight- a few insiders will know the dark truth, the ly? public will be inspired, the world will admire the USA, and those pesky Russians will /// /// /// spend themselves to death trying to keep up with a fiction. Editor here. In poking around online one It’s perfect. day, I came discovered a site dealing with I wrote a story once in which Truman famous quotes and found the following, was approached by shadowy gentlemen from which somehow ap-pealed to me and I think an alphabet agency or three, taken on a trip is still generally applicable. It's from J. B. S. out west, and introduced to a dark program Haldane: on a secret base mostly underground, where amazing things were being investigated. I suppose the process of acceptance will pass There he was shown an EBE and told it had through the usual four stages: been recovered from a fallen flying saucer. (i) this is worthless nonsense; He was fascinated, repelled, and boggled, all (ii) this is an interesting, but perverse, point natural reactions. Being Truman, he was also of view; decisive. (iii) this is true, but quite unimportant; He decided to fund the dark program (iv) I always said so. secretly, to keep it funded perennially, and to expand it when necessary. After all, who knew what these UFO creatures were capable of, or what they had in store for us? In the story, the base is real but the EBE is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by cynical men to gain leverage over the Presidency and so ensure a flow of dark money unprecedent- ed even in war time. In the story, this hoax

8 Kentuckiana X Mound Builders of Kentucky I. Dawn of the Adena Albert D. Byrd As long as I can recall, vanished civiliza- have argued that, as these points’ fluting is tions have fascinated me. I’ve studied them, labor intensive and needlessly complex, it written stories about them, and longed to vis- played a cultural role beyond mere utility. it sites of them. A research analyst’s modest That the points also effectively killed large earnings have kept me from the world-hop- game animals is clear from wide distribution ping that I thought necessary for me to visit and long persistence. such sites. Imagine my chagrin when it Related points appear at a number of dawned on my feeble intelligence that a van- ancient sites in Kentucky. Many of these are ished civilization's sites lay—maybe literal- seasonal hunting camps, often in rock shel- ly—in my backyard. ters, shallow caves under ledges of shale, By “vanished civilization,” I mean the common in eastern Kentucky. The rock shel- pre-Columbian native cultures collectively ters served hunters of subsequent prehistoric known as the Mound Builders, the works of periods, and indeed outlaws and guerrillas in which some once falsely attributed to lost the commonwealth’s early historic period. A tribes of Israel, to intrepid Welshmen, to hiker caught in the Red River Gorge by refugees from Atlantis, or to any of a number inclement weather today might do well to of other fancied immigrants to the Eastern seek such a shelter. Woodlands of what’s now the United States. Nowhere were Paleo-Indian hunters (Local legend, cited in one of Col. Church- more evident than they were at what’s now ward’s astounding books on Mu, tells of a Big Bone Lick State Park, about twenty-two lost colony of Atlantis in caverns underlying miles southwest of Covington. The park the Bluegrass—a colony that I may someday holds a salt lick to which mastodons, bison, explore in a novel, but I digress.) When and other large mammals trekked, apparently American settlers entered what’s now Ken- from hundreds of miles around. Here, too, tucky, they found mounds and earthworks congregated Paleo-Indians, who tried out that impressed them with their forerunners’ their points, and then feasted well, on salt- engineering abilities. Most of those struc- seeking beasts. Is it too much to see Paleo- tures, the plow and the bulldozer have Indians making mastodon jerky on the spot? claimed, but some of them are still signs of The points were used to tip spears— the Adena, Hopewell, Fort Ancient, and Mis- Kentucky knew no bows and arrows until sissippian peoples who once thrived here. sometime around 1,000 C.E. Making spear- How did Stone-Age civilizations of points required Paleo-Indians periodically to these peoples arise here? The answer to this migrate to sites of weapons-grade stone—in question lies in how Native Americans estab- many cases to outcrops of chert in eastern lished themselves here. Their presence ex- Kentucky. (Chert, as Webster’s New World tends far into what archaeologists call the Dictionary of the American Language tells Paleo-Indian Period, roughly 10,500 B.C.E. us, is “a dull-colored, flintlike quartz often to 8,000 B.C.E. This was the time of no- found in limestone.” Before the white man’s madic hunter-gatherer societies using the lead, chert was the deadliest substance renowned Clovis point. Some archaeologists around.) As, in a society lacking pack ani- 9 mals and wheel, no one could carry blocks of digress.) For a nomadic people, pottery is too unworked stone far, the groups worked stone heavy and too fragile to be carried about, but in situ and carried off finished points. These hollow gourds and hand-woven baskets are outcrops would be significant throughout fine for transporting liquids and solids. Over Kentucky’s prehistory and would become time, the Archaic Indians found or bred the established as clearly marked “chipping sta- low-seed, high-pulp varieties of squash tions” in the Archaic Period, roughly 8,000 known today. B. C. E. to 1,000 B. C. E. They paled in sig- It’s an open question how much the nificance, however, beside the Flint Ridge Archaic Kentuckians were influenced by the outcrops near Newark, Ohio. These likely first true Mound Builder cultures at Watson played a large role in making south-central Brake and at Poverty Point on the southern Ohio the center of the Adena and of the Mississippi River. (Mound Builder archaeolo- Hopewell worlds. Spears, by the way, were gists like to point out that, in North America, from early on thrown with the aid of hand- civilization really began in Louisiana, not in held levers known by the Nahuatl term Mexico.) The Archaic Kentuckians did build atlatls. wooden structures with leveled floors and Archaeologists have excavated several with postmolds, and buried, not only their hu- Archaic camps in Kentucky. The most promi- man dead, but also their canine. As humans nent of these lay along the Green River, near seldom bury food animals (one might argue Bowling Green and Mammoth Cave, which the Ancient Egyptians’ mummification of the lie in the commonwealth's south-central Apis Bull as an exception to this rule), dogs region. Many of these camps are by mounds were likely domesticated for hunting game —not architectural mounds of river soil, clay, and for guarding camps, and were loved com- and sand, but debris-mounds, or middens, panions, as they are today. Although some largely of shells of freshwater mussels, which Plains Indians did eat dogs in historical formed a large component of the Archaic times, one should keep in mind that these diet. (In such a camp, I’d likely have died of tribes formed in some ways a “post-apocalyp- shellfish allergies. No time-travel for me!) tic culture” that some archaeologists specu- Besides mussels, the Archaic Kentuck- late originated as a diaspora from the fall of ians enjoyed many other foods. They fished the Mississippian metropolis of Cahokia, with spears and with nets; hunted game large near present-day St. Louis. A discussion of and small, but ever more especially the white- Plains Indians and of Cahokia lies far beyond tailed deer; and gathered roots, berries, and my scope. In any case, the Archaic Kentuck- nuts, particularly hickory nuts, chestnuts, and ians were already using their midden-mounds acorns. (The last were ground into meal after as burial sites. being soaked in several changes of cold In these appear objects astonishing in a water until it stayed clear.) Remains of hunter-gatherer society far from the Great hearths and of drying-racks suggest fairly Lakes or from the sea—copper ornaments sophisticated cooking techniques. (Lake Superior) and seashells (the Gulf of The Archaic Kentuckians also collected Mexico). These objects form evidence of fruits and seeds. The Archaic Period held the communications networks over which valu- first step towards settled agriculture—domes- ables (“prestige goods,” as archaeologists ticating the squash. Archaeologists believe like to call them) could travel over a thou- that it was at first useful only as a container sand miles from their origins. How did pres- for water or as a float for nets, as the ances- tige goods reach what would be Kentucky? tral squash was too seedy to be easily edible. It’s unlikely that the Archaic Period had any- (I myself seldom find squash edible, but I thing like established trade routes. (Some

10 archaeologists dispute whether there were an unmixed blessing to pre-Columbian cul- ever any, even at the height of the Mississip- tures, I’ll discuss in the next article.) The pian Period, but I’ll come back to the ques- Adena rather cultivated plants of what archae- tion of trade.) In the Archaic Period, prestige ologists call the Eastern Agricultural Com- goods likely traveled from hand to hand over plex. Besides squash, this included sunflow- generations before they reached their place of ers, little barley, erect knotweed, maygrass, burial. In the Archaic Period, as indeed marsh elder, and goosefoot. (As for the latter throughout pre-Columbian times, there were plant, I love the statement of the archaeolo- only two common means of transportation in gist who said, “Having tasted a goosefoot- the Eastern Woodlands: by canoe along navi- based porridge, I am at a loss to see what gable rivers, and by backpack over trails a- would have attracted people to such a mix- long riverbanks and through forests. ture other than sheer necessity!”[1] I myself True Mound Builders came to Kentucky suspect that the Adena knew a means, lost to in the Adena culture of the Early Woodland us today, to make goosefoot palatable.) Most Period (1,000 B. C. E to perhaps 200 B. C. of these plants, modern Americans deem E.). The name Adena is not authentic to the weeds, but they gave the Adena a varied diet culture; it comes from the name of a farm rich in protein and in oils. Some archaeolo- near Chillicothe, Ohio—the site of the first gists contend that what the Adena practiced excavation of an Adena burial mound. The was horticulture (gardening) instead of true name itself is Hebrew, roughly meaning agriculture (farming). In any case, the East- “delightful.” What the Adena called them- ern Agricultural Complex formed only part selves will likely ever be a mystery, as, of their diet. Much of it still depended on unlike the Maya, they left no epigraphy to be gathering of nuts, berries, and roots, and on deciphered. Some anthropologists suggest hunting of game. that descendents of the Adena gave rise to In time, the Adena’s scattered hamlets the Iroquoian nations, but none can prove the began to center on elaborate burial mounds. suggestion. Beneath most of these lies the remains of a That the Adena were sedentary is shown wooden mortuary building in which, archaeol- by their extensive reliance on the innovation ogists believe, elaborate funeral rites were of pottery. This likely entered the region conducted over the dead before they were from what's now eastern Tennessee and north- buried in pits, sometimes lined with precious ern Alabama, whence it had spread from the substances like red cedar or mica, along with Atlantic coast. The Adena were not civilized valuable grave goods. (Of what these consist- sensu stricto, as they didn't live in cities. The ed, I’ll talk later.) Once the funeral rites were Adena lived rather in hamlets of two or three over, the mortuary building was ceremonially wooden dwellings, likely the homes of a burned to the ground and then covered with a branch of a small clan. These lay in a clear- layer of a ritually clean substance such as ing used for a few years until local firewood fine clay or white sand. This became the foun- ran out and soil grew exhausted; then the dation for a mound of river soil to mark the clan would move to another nearby clearing, burial site. A mound might be used for subse- likely formed by the clan’s burning part of quent burials, and in any case further layers the vast Eastern Woodlands. of clay, sand, and river soil might be added In their clearings, the Adena advanced to it over decades or centuries. Some of the the cultivation of plants as food. They hadn’t Adena mounds reach heights of over thirty begun to plant maize, as agronomists call feet and diameters of over a hundred. corn; it hadn’t reached the Eastern Wood- Keep in mind that all of the mounds lands from Mexico. (That maize was far from were built by persons carrying baskets of soil

11 by hand! Clearly, whatever else mounds marriages were arranged, trade was carried were, they were labors of love, at least in out, and business and diplomacy were dis- Adena days. There’s no evidence at Adena cussed. Certainly, the care with which the sites for a central, all-powerful king who Adena maintained and expanded their might have forced labor on mounds, or even mounds argues that they were more than just for a hereditary chieftain, as there would be equivalents of our headstones in cemeteries. among later Mississippian Mound Builders. The grave goods with which the dead Likeliest, the Adena formed a democratic so- were buried form evidence of widespread ciety in which free persons built the mounds exchange, if not true trade, networks. Adena as a public, or more likely as a religious, ser- graves have held obsidian from what’s now vice. Yellowstone National Park, silver from Que- Some surviving mounds are surrounded bec, copper from Lake Superior, mica from by a moat and a circular embankment open high reaches of the Appalachians, and exotic towards one of the nodal points of moonrise. shells and shark’s teeth from the Gulf of Mex- Such structures may once have surrounded ico. (Mica, Romain suggests, was a portal of most, if not all of the mounds, but have been the Other World, where things appear re- lost to time. William F. Romain, in his contro- versed in moonlight’s milky glow.) Some versial, but compelling Mysteries of the speculate, given the abundance of foreign Hopewell: Astronomers, Geometers, and goods, that the Adena homeland, particularly Magicians of the Eastern Woodlands (The in south-central Ohio along the Scioto River, University of Akron Press, 2000), argues that was a holy place to which pilgrims brought the mounds visually represent a common offerings. It does seem to me likely that Chill- Native American origin myth in which the icothe was once an Eastern Woodland Mec- Earth Diver descends into primeval waters ca, but, as with so much about the Mound and ascends with soil that, spread onto a tur- Builders, no one can say for sure. In any tle's back, becomes North America’s habit- case, Kentucky was even then, as it is now, able land. In Romain’s view, the Adena (and on the fringes of things! subsequent Hopewell) funerary practices Most of the grave goods take the form of recalled the creation of the world and repre- symbolically complex and often beautiful sented the soul’s rebirth and passage into an handicrafts. The most spectacular of these are Other World governed by the moon as this platform and effigy pipes carved into shapes world is by the sun. He sees a mound as the of animals or of humans. The pipes were primeval earth raised from the waters, the used for burning and smoking another culti- moat and the embankment as a ripple spread- vated plant, tobacco. Yes, even in Adena ing out from the rising earth through those times, Kentucky’s most important crop was waters, and the opening in the embankment the evil weed! Back then, this wasn’t domes- as a gateway through which a dead soul tic tobacco, *icotiana tabacina, cultivated enters the lunar Other World. It must be said for smoking today, but native tobacco, *ico- of Romain’s model that it covers all of the tiana rustica. Then, among the Adena, as known data in an ethnologically credible now, among present-day Native Americans, way. tobacco was likely burned as incense offered Although no one can say so for sure, in prayer to the spirits of the world’s four many believe that the Adena used their quarters and to the Upper World and to the mounds as foci of clan-sized or larger gather- Lower World, and smoked as a form of com- ings—likely held at solstices, equinoxes, or munion with the Other World. Native tobac- full moons—in which feasts were held, co may also have been a significant part of accounts of the dead were told or reenacted, vision quests. Native tobacco, which contains

12 five to seven times the concentration of nico- tine that domestic tobacco contains, is not only a stimulant, but also a hallucinogen. Today, native tobacco is legally grown, outside Native American lands, only as a source of nicotine for fumigating greenhous- es. Some speculate that, though today smok- ing tobacco shortens life spans, it may in ear- ly times actually have lengthened them, as nicotine is a potent insecticide and insect Central Park burial mound repellent that may have protected smokers from malaria and from other insect-borne dis- eases. This speculation, I hardly need say, is The second Adena site in Kentucky is controversial. Mount Horeb Earthworks, just up the road Kentucky, as I’ve said, lay on the fringes from me in Fayette County on Mount Horeb of the Adena world, but did hold hundreds of Pike on the banks of North Elkhorn Creek. mounds when the first American settlers (That this is navigable, I know well, as my co- came here. Many of these mounds were pro- workers go there often for canoeing and for fessionally excavated during the Great De- kayaking. I myself, taking a Hobbit-like atti- pression as part of the WPA program, and its tude towards boats, avoid them.) The site con- findings contributed largely to what I’ve tains three circular enclosures and a pair of been able to tell you. Sadly, the Depression small mounds. Postmolds show that a wood- excavators in Kentucky seldom bothered to en structure 97 feet across once stood here. restore mounds, so here there are no spectacu- The authors suggest that Mount Horeb was a lar Mound Builder sites as there are in Ohio. site for fashioning tools from local rocks Nonetheless, a determined person can called barite and galena. Some of the struc- still see Adena mounds in Kentucky. Indian tures lie on private land visible from the high- Mounds of the Middle Ohio Valley (Susan way, but the best circle is in the University of Woodward and Jerry N. McDonald, McDon- Kentucky’s Adena Park, which one can visit ald and Woodward Publishing Company, only with permission of the Campus Recrea- 2001) lists four publicly accessible sites: ation Department. By experience, I can say The first Adena site in Kentucky is Cen- that Adena Park is a nice place for a picnic, if tral Park in Ashland, where, behind the li- one can get hold of the key. brary, one can see a chain of six mounds, each about five feet high. None of these has been excavated, but experts deem them Ade- na from their shape and from their location. When I lived in Ashland, I myself saw them many a time without understanding their sig- nificance. They form the pitiful remnant of reported hundreds of mounds on the flats between the Ohio River and Ashland’s bluffs when the first settlers arrived. In Adena Mount Horeb burial mounds times, Ashland may well have rivaled Chilli- cothe itself. Sadly, as none of the lost The third Adena site in Kentucky is mounds were professionally excavated, we’ll Shannon Mound on U.S. 62 in Mason Coun- never know how important Ashland was. ty, in the commonwealth’s extreme northeast.

13 The mound lies in Shannon Cemetery, be- *EXT: The Heights of the Hopewell. longing to Shannon Methodist Church. When- [1] The Moundbuilders: Ancient Peoples ever I look at a picture of the mound, I get a of Eastern North America, George R. Milner, sense of irony from knowing that good Meth- Thames & Hudson, 2004, p. 43. odists lie side by side with pre-Columbian polytheists. Would either have approved of A Bit of humor (or humour) the other face to face? It’s apparently com- mon, however, for Adena mounds to be pre- Courtesy of my brother-in-law, something served as church cemeteries. Shannon lies far with no connection to Alfred’s Kentuckiana from anywhere I’ve been in Kentucky, but but which you may find humorous. They’re someday I must make a trip there. called paraprosdokian sentences. “A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.” Enjoy

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experi- ence.

Going to your house of worship doesn’t make you a religious person, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Shannon burial mound The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But The fourth Adena site in Kentucky is it’s still on the list. Gaitskill Mound in Mount Sterling. Gaitskill Mound, like the Central Park mounds in Ash- Light travels faster than sound. This is why land, is the pitiful remnant of a once-exten- some people appear bright until you hear sive cluster of mounds. From Gaitskill them speak. Mound came a pair of clay tablets likely used for transferring onto human skin designs then If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. tattooed into place. Gaitskill Mound lies on Indian Mound Drive off U. S. 460 just south We never really grow up, we only learn how of Interstate 64. It shames me to say that, as to act in public. often as I’ve been past or through Mount Ster- ling, I've never seen the mound. Any day War does not determine who is right—only now… who is left.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible Gateskill burial mound people. Others have no imagination whatso- ever. 14 Sheryl Birkhead

Without going into any of the gory than I was expecting. Oddly, the listed mpg details, suffice it to say that in January I is the same for both types of transmission as found out those honking’ big SUVs really do the Forester so it is not the change to an auto- flip right over at the slightest provocation matic. The change seems to be from a heav- and at the same time totaled my 7 year old ier car with all wheel drive. But, let’s face it: Toyota Matrix. Through a series of serendipi- this is a safe car and I really didn’t have tous coincidences, I parlayed helping an many alternatives. It was one of the models I MCSPCA volunteer take in a kitten she had tried out before settling on the Matrix but just found behind her workplace into a was substantially more expensive. I men- replacement vehicle at about the same tioned this to the volunteer orchestrating this amount of money my insurance company purchase and that I had had Toyotas for a was willing to cough up. Of course I had just long time and the Forester just didn’t drive had the car in for maintenance and routine like a Toyota. She didn’t say anything for a needs, but that doesn’t count when the car moment. then said she would let that com- gets a bit “older”. It didn’t look that bad to ment go. It took me a moment to catch on. me, but the verdict was—totaled. Oh yeah . . . . Okay, so I ended up replacing a 2004 The new old car has a moon roof, 6 CD (purchased in 2003—you know how that player, cassette player, leather steering wheel works) Matrix with about 76,000 miles on it and gear shift covers, seat heaters and all with a top of the line 2002 (purchased in sorts of window defogging options—inclu- 2001) Subaru Forester with a verified 25,000 ding heating the outside mirrors. miles on the odometer. It turns out the volun- I spend most of my driving time listen- teer works for the Subaru dealership in the ing to audio books and when I got my car office and they knew the car. My only con- smooshed a cd from a library book was in the cern was that it was an automatic and I really CD player. I remembered that fact after I had prefer a standard—I do love my jack-rabbit cleaned out the Matrix and shoveled every- starts away from a traffic light. I also figured thing into the Forester. This meant I had to I just had to be grateful I could find a reason- take the new old car over to meet the old old able car for the amount of the check I would car and salvage the cd to return. I had the be getting. The volunteer told me she would audio book with me and was merrily driving tag the car for Mo to come and take a look. I along, trying to remember NOT to slam my replied that it was pretty much a done deal foot through the floor in the vicinity of the since I had no other money. I got a really non-existent clutch (which happens to be ghood deal. about where the edge of the brake pedal is, So far the biggest shock has been going and I know that for a fact). from 35 mpg to 20mpg—and I can actually If you look up a list of things not to be WATCH the gas gauge plummet as I drive doing while driving you will find texting, eat- along. I was warned, but this is a lot worse ing, talking on a cell phone, and changing 15 tapes or cds. I knew that. I also knew I had Nothing happened so I gave up and been driving a car for seven years that had turned the radio on, settling for that while I involved changing both tapes and cds with- retrieved the one remaining disc from the out pulling over solely to change tape or cd. Matrix. That all went without event. I waited I happen to strongly dislike Rockville Pike, a until I got home and pulled out the (original) very congested area where I picked up the manuals that came with the car to see what I car and an area I avoid whenever I can. This had been missing. As far as I could tell, I had meant I was having to pay more attention to done everything right, and when I touched the road than I would have had to closer to the button labeled 1, the cd played. But what home. Well, there was no floor gear shift to had happened to that first disc? I was either deal with so I figured I was a bit ahead of the going to have to locate it or pay the library game. By feel, I located the next cd (what the for a replacement. Remember the no-money heck—I’d jump ahead in the story and come comment? I systematically went through hit- back and pick it up when I retrieved the one ting all 6 buttons to eject the discs and all 6 in the Matrix), slid it out of its sleeve and by dutifully popped right out. None of the slots feel located the plaque that said CD and gen- got stuck or had two discs stacked. I felt all tly slid it into the space above the name. around the console. Where the heck had the That is the way I had done it for seven years. disc gone? I crawled around on the front floor, feeling under the seats in case it had somehow slid out and I had missed it. Nope. I was stumped. I carry my veterinary equipment in the back of my car and both the Forester and the Matrix are built just right to stack containers there under a cover. The Matrix came with a cover, but I had to order one for the Forester. There is a much closer dealer that I wanted to use if I could have the cover sent there. I was told yes, and the volunteer said to just go ahead and ask their repair department to eject the offending disc. So, I renewed the cd book and waited the two weeks until the cargo cover was in. I I relaxed and went back to 100% concen- had been told to ask for the manager and was tration on the road, fully expecting the book given his name. He had someone go get the to pick right up. At the next red light I looked cover for me and take a look at the cd player. down, trying to figure out if there was some Mistakenly he thought I had a new car, so other button I was supposed to press since anything they would have to do would be nothing at all had happened. The light covered by warranty. I explained the situa- changed to green. The Matrix’s cd player had tion. Oops. To find the cd they were going to been for one disc only, but I was guessing I have to take everything apart. Total $105. I could just start feeding in the discs up to six. figured it would be cheaper to pay the So, I did. Sure enough, 6 more discs slid library. right into the player. If you are keeping That night I called the volunteer to let score, it is obvious that this now meant I had her know that I had gotten the cover and to removed seven discs from their sleeves. Sev- thank her again for helping me with the car. en is more than six. Um . . . er . . . Then I figured, nothing ventured nothing

16 gained, and told her about the missing cd and enough . . . Panicked, I grabbed it before it the cost to try to locate it. I held my breath. disappeared into the same $105 innards Sure, she said, make the appointment again. I had hoped they had somehow sealed and have them send the bill to her office. up that space. At the end of that week I was back. Just He got out of the car and thoughtfully as I got ready to hop out of the car I felt looked at the cd player, shaking his head and along the player No, it couldn’t be. . .. Sheep- saying “I just would not have believed it . . .” ishly I explained to the repairman that there Ah yes, where there’s a will there’s a way. I might—maybe, perhaps—be a slight (teensy) am being VERY careful . . .. chance that I had put the cd between the play- That Sunday, on my way to the SPCA, I er and the console. It felt like about 1/16 of found some very expensive looking tools on an inch. It was really embarrassing because the front seat. They had not been there when they called me by name, Dr. Birkhead, mean- I took the car in. I presumed this meant the ing they had spoken with the SPCA volunteer repair guy had left them. I had no idea what who had been kind enough to set this whole they were. There were some pieces and then thing up. They knew who I was! a large Craftsman thing that looked like a screwdriver that is meant to go around a 90 degree angle. Monday I called the garage to see if any of the repair guys had reported “stuff” missing. They asked what I meant by “stuff”. I drove the car back.

The manager himself came out to look at the car. He looked dubious, saying he didn’t think there was enough room. We both took more looks around under seats. I would have put money on it that I had put the cd where it belonged, but it simply was not there! I couldn’t think of any other place the disc had A desk guy came out to take a look at gone. the “stuff”. He agreed it looked impressive I tried to look invisible and sat down to and expensive. He had no idea what it was wait. It was late on a Friday afternoon and either. Finally he just picked it all up and the waiting room had cleared out. It took said he would leave it behind the desk until about a half an hour. The repair guy came in someone claimed it. and put the ticket up on the desk for the man- Scorecard—heck, I stopped keeping ager to check out and initial since I was not score a long time ago. Car runs—for now at going to be paying. least that’s enough! The manager himself went and got my car, saying he simply did not believe it was possible. To prove my point, I got out anoth-











 er cd and jammed it in that same space. Sure

17 A Fannish Adventure: The Robot

Most people, I suspect, are familiar with Off I went that sunny Saturday morning, those 1950s SF “B” movies. You know: the arriving at the hotel at around 10:00 A.M. I ones the characters on Mystery Science The- bought a one-day membership and wandered ater 3000 make fun of. The story lines around the hotel in search of my quarry—er, weren’t always the best and the acting was friends. The crowd was still fairly thin that often mediocre to execrable, but the movies early and so I was able to scout the hotel fair- managed to entertain people as long as they ly quickly. It was just outside the dealers’ weren’t overly particular about their entertain- room that I met with success and the two for ment. Many of those B movies in some way whom I had been looking. There was the first featured a mad scientist (and sometimes his one: tall, fair-haired, bespectacled Chad beautiful young daughter) bent on some evil Childers with a smile on his face which was a plan. sure indication he was there to enjoy himself I want to tell you about an encounter I rather than to work. (Chad’s a good guy but had with a mad scientist. Only, this incident I’m afraid for him: he seems to be falling wasn’t something out of a ‘50s B movie and I under Howard Devore’s evil influence, and don’t recall ever seeing any beautiful young there’s no telling what will become of him if daughter (which is just as well for an old mar- Howard’s influence becomes total. I really ried guy like me). worry for Chad’s fannish soul.) It was around the time of the Detroit con- Beside him stood a shorter man, also vention Contraption. I had, once again as I with glasses and a smile, but sporting a neat- had the past several years, elected to go for ly trimmed beard with slight touches of gray the day only. But this time I didn’t intend to to it: Lan, looking as fit and happy as ever spend much time at the con. I had something thanks to his wife’s efforts. What a stroke of else planned, and I was going in order to luck to find both of them together at the same enlist the aid of a couple of friends who I time, I thought. I didn’t question the fortu- hoped would be there and wouldn’t be too itous set of circumstances which had caused busy. the two people I was looking for to be found 18 so easily but considered it a good omen gue about it, never mind. I can wait. Just tell indeed. Later, I was to revise that idea, but of me about now.” course I didn’t know it at the time. All I “Oh. Yeah. Okay,” I said with relief, knew was, my search for them was merciful- glancing at Lan, who merely grinned wicked- ly short. ly. “You know about robotics, don’t you?” “Hey, Tom, glad to see you could make “A little bit but I know some guys who it,” Chad said as I approached them. could talk to you all day about the subject. “I had to get away, even if it was only Why? Do you need some background for a for the day,” I said, shaking hands with each story?” of them. “No, not really, though I might some “So is the rest of the family here too?” day. No I uh—” I glanced at Lan but he was Lan asked. watching in silence, so I continued, “I heard “Unfortunately not. Ruth had to work. about this inventor who supposedly created She was really disappointed, too. She was and built a robot shaped like a human. Like hoping to get to visit with Jennifer and Pay- in the Asimov or Simak stories. Not as ton. Now she’ll have to wait for another detailed as an android type but one that walks time.” and talks. It sounded really interesting and I “That's too bad,” Lan said. “So what are thought I’d go take a look at it but—” you going to do while you're here?” “But you wanted someone to go along That was just the question I was waiting with you,” Lan interrupted. “Someone with for. “I was looking for you two guys, actual- intelligence, charm, wit, an engaging person- ly.” ality, and some knowledge about the subject “Well you found us,” Chad said. “Were and who knows his way around where you looking for us for a reason?” you’ve never been.” “Since you ask . . . ” I began. “Something like that,” I mumbled. “But “All right, what is it this time?” Lan I really thought you two might be interested asked. “What “adventure’ have you got as well. If you’re not—” cooked up now? Not a trip to another book- “Hey, I’ll go along with you, Tom,” store or some widow’s house in search of old Chad said. “I’d like to see if this robot is real pulps?” or not. If it is, I’ll pass the information along Chad looked from Lan to me. “What’s to the guys in the robotics club. They’d proba- he talking about? ‘Adventure’? What does he bly love to see it.” mean by that?” “I'll go along too, Tom,” Lan said, pat- “It’s a long story,” I said. “I’ll tell you ting me avuncularly on the back. “I wouldn’t about it some day when we have some spare miss it for the world. This time we won’t be time.” going anywhere near my Hugos because “For Chad’s own good, you ought to tell we’ll come right back here when we're done. him about it now,” Lan suggested. “Or would And—” you rather I did?” “And I buy you dinner as payment for “You’d end up telling the truth,” I said your time,” finished for him. in as lighthearted a manner as I could. “You’re going to buy dinner?” Chad “Are you saying you wouldn’t tell the smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen. truth?” Lan asked with a sly grin. “That’s really nice of you. Now I really want “You know I would. It’s just that your to go along and see this robot. Let’s go.” version would be a little more accurate “First things first,” Lan interrupted. because your memory is better than mine.” “Where are we going and who’s driving?” “Hey, look, guys, if you’re going to ar- “I’ve got the address right here,” I said,

19 pulling a 3X5 card out of my shirt pocket. was where it was supposed to be and I didn’t “It’s on Industrial Street, in Warren. Would hear any messages from an air traffic con- you mind—uh—driving, Chad? You can troller. Still, I would have sworn we passed a probably find the place better than I can.” flock of geese at about eye level. “Sure. I don’t mind.” Chad took the card and looked at it. “Okay. Let’s go get my car.” We took a roundabout route through the hotel to the rear parking lot and Chad’s car, a dark red Taurus. “I wish we could use the DeLorean,” he said apologetically “but it’s in the shop for some major repairs. Howard wanted to bor- row it, to impress the chicks, I guess—he didn’t really say—and somehow one of the doors got stuck in the open position, all four springs are shot and the CD player keeps making these weird squawking noises when- ever I put a disc in.” He shrugged his shoul- ders and unlocked the doors and shifted the contents of the rear seat so that one person could fit in. I started to climb into the back but Lan stopped me. “This whole thing is your idea, Tom. Sometime later (I really have no accurate You ride shotgun.” idea exactly how long. I just know it seemed “Yes, but it looks pretty cramped back to take hours.) we reached our destination. It there and I think it would be only right for proved to be a huge, ramshackle old building me to be the one to suffer.” badly in need of painting, broken windows “Oh, you will, Tom. You will.” Lan and dozens of other repairs. We sat in Chad’s grinned at me and gently pushed me aside so car silently for a few seconds studying the he could take the back seat. place. Seeing that I had no choice, I got into “Well, Tom, we’re here,”' Lan said. the front on the passenger’s side and we took “Yeah, we are.” I was beginning to have off. I thought I had pretty much gotten used second thoughts about the wisdom of having to the driving habits of people who live in come. and around Detroit. but Chad really took me “Since it’s your idea, lead the way, for a ride. I tried to find something to hang Tom,” Lan said with a little too much glee in onto but there wasn’t much available but his voice. myself. So I did. And it occurred to me that “Yeah. Okay.” I started to open the door. Lan might have ridden with Chad at least Just then the whole interior of the place once and knew where the best place was to seemed to light up all at once, there was a sit. Well. I’d survive anyway, just to spite very loud sizzling sound, and all the doors them. and windows vibrated visibly and it looked I won’t say Chad’s a wild, fast driver, as if the entire building raised at least a foot but several times I looked out the window to off its foundation. I let go of the door handle see if the car had somehow sprouted wings and looked at Chad, then at Lan. and to assure myself that most of the tires “What are we waiting for?” Chad asked were still touching the pavement. Everything as if nothing unusual had happened. (These

20 big city people are used to anything.). “Let’s triangular protrubance that just had to be a go see this robot you were talking about.” He nose). It was bright, silvery, and rather leaned over, opened the door on my side and impressive looking. then opened his door and got out. “Wow, that’s really impressive looking,” I’m still not sure how it happened but I said. several seconds later I was leading the way “Look, there’s the man who made the up the sidewalk to the old warehouse or what- robot,” Lan said. ever the place was. When we reached the Chad and I looked in the direction indi- front entrance I found myself hoping that the cated, and there was the inventor of the door would be locked. It wasn’t. It opened robot. He was a tall, thin man with a full remarkably easily, it seemed to me. head of unruly white hair that looked as if it Seeing as how I had been delegated to hadn’t seen a comb in ages, and I would have lead the way. I opened the door and entered sworn I saw a small bird poke its head up the building. We found ourselves in a small from the tangle of hair. He wore a pair of anteroom completely bare of furnishings glasses with the thickest lenses I have ever except for a thick layer of dust all over and seen, like the bottoms of shot glasses. The tastefully decorated with cobwebs and size lab coat he wore might once have been 48 footprints. The back wall was paneled white—there were a few light colored halfway up, with thick frosted glass the rest spots—but now had more stains, burns and of the way. There was another door in the scorch marks on it than any garment middle of the back wall. I went over and tried deserved to have. He peered at us for several the knob. As with the outer door, this one, long seconds, then stood up straight. too, was unlocked. I took a deep breath and “Who are you? What do you want?” he opened it. asked in a high-pitched voice that I swear I led Lan and Chad into a huge room that could have shattered glass. “Wait! I know. seemed to occupy the entire interior of the You’re spies. That’s it. You’ve come here to warehouse. It was brightly lit by what steal my robot. Well you won’t get him.” seemed like a hundred eight foot fluorescent “We didn’t come here to steal your lights. Heavy machinery of all kinds stood all robot,” I said. “I heard about it the other day over the place along with work benches of and it sounded so interesting I wanted to see varying lengths, and large electronic consoles it. So I persuaded my friends to come along winked and blinked away. A small dynamo and see it too. We just want—” whirred merrily away in one corner of the ”You can’t fool me,“ the inventor shout- room. Here and there lay piles of what I ed. “I know you’re spies and I know you could only call junk although it may all have want the secret of my robot. You’ve wasted been usable materials. your time. You can’t have it. So there. I can “Oh look,” Chad said, pointing. “There’s stop you with no trouble at all. My robot here the robot over there. See it?” is equal to the three of you and 119 more Lan and I looked where Chad was point- both in strength and brainpower and it will ing. There indeed was a human-shaped figure do anything I tell it to because I invented it standing near a large console. From where and I’m it’s daddy and it loves me dearly and we stood, the robot looked to be about twelve I have its controller. If you don’t want any feet tall and bore a striking resemblance to trouble, I suggest you leave peacefully. Other- the robot in the movie The Day the Earth wise. . . ” Stood Still. Only this robot had a face with “But we just wanted to see your robot in two eyes, a nose and a mouth (well, a thin operation, that’s all,” I said. “Honest. We just rectangular slit running horizontally under a want to watch it in operation. We’re science

21 fiction fans and we’ve read lots of stories ing machines stacked one atop the other and about robots.” was near the door we had used. From behind “It’s a lie and I know it. I want the three there was a loud shout. I stopped dead and of you spies out of here now! Do you under- looked around. stand?” “I think we’d better leave,” Lan said. “It’s very obvious he doesn’t want us around.” “Lan’s right,” Chad said. “We’re just going to cause problems if we hang around here. Let’s just go and leave the guy alone.” “Yeah. I suppose you’re right,” I said reluctantly. “It’s a shame, though. I really wanted to see a real robot in action. But then this one’s probably a fake robot anyway and may only be for show and probably doesn’t really do anything at all but light up and make noises with a tape recorder inside it. Come on, let’s get out of here.” “Are you three still here?” the inventor asked, looking up from something he had been studying. “I thought I told you to get out of here.” “We’re going now,” I said. “Who’d want “Oh no!” I shouted. “It’s got Lan. And to look at a fancy, oversized floor lamp any- it’s—it’s making him do—oh Ghods!—the way? It would probably make a good Macaroni—I mean Macarena! We have to doorstop or a gum-ball machine. Obviously rescue him. If anything happens to Lan, it’s not a real robot. I can see we wasted our Kathy will give me hell in 27 languages and time coming here. Come on, guys, let’s go.” kill me in one. She can do it, too. I heard a “Not a real robot!” the inventor/scientist rumor that the KGB tried to recruit her back shouted. “You think it’s not real! I’ll show when she taught for a while in the former you what’s real.” He picked up a small black Soviet Union. She’s a fine enough woman box that looked like some sort of a TV but I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side remote control, pointed it at the robot, and of her. We’ve got to do something!” jabbed a button. The robot shook and shiv- “Like what?” Chad looked around the ered and its eyes opened—or, rather, lit up. room. “Wait. I think I’ve got something in Surprisingly, the horizontal slit opened and my car that might help. You distract it while the robot emitted a loud humming. It moved I go see.” its arms out slightly and flexed its huge “I what?” I asked, but Chad was already hands. The inventor jabbed another button halfway across the room and at the door. and the robot started toward us menacingly. In desperation, I looked around the We backed away in three different directions room. Lan would never forgive me if the with the robot hot on our heels. robot killed him. Worse, he’d never agree to Somehow, I managed to get a work- help me out on any more trips when I asked bench and a pile of junk between the robot him. I had to do something. Fast. I saw a and me. Chad had leaped over two work- piece of one-inch diameter pipe about three benches and a console the size of two wash- feet long lying by a pile of scrap. It would

22 have to do. I ran over, grabbed the pipe, and Maybe it was the “kill” button, I decided. It charged at the robot. was worth trying. “Hey you, tin head!” I shouted. “Let go “Don’t touch that button!” The inventor of my friend Lan. He’s not bothering you.” had come to and tried to stand up but Of course the robot ignored me. I took a couldn’t quite make it and slid back down, mighty swing at a point about midway up its bumping his head and passing out again. back and connected with a good, solid thud. It was too late anyway; I had already Dropped the pipe, swore, and shook both my pressed the button. There was a long moment hands from the shock of the impact. That was of silence while I waited for the robot to one tough, solid robot. It hadn’t loosened its cease functioning. Unfortunately, the robot grip so I picked up the pipe and began bang- didn’t stop what it was doing. Instead, a large ing on it everywhere I could in the hope the framework with what looked like neon lights thing would let go of Lan. descended from the ceiling and stopped a few The mad scientist stood off to one side feet from the floor. The lights came on and near a large console, laughing and cackling spelled out the message, “How about a little maniacally, or laughing the way they laugh scientific experimentation in my bed, baby?” in those movies. He was jumping up and Very crude and direct—and probably not down and clapping his hands like some very effective. I jabbed the button again, hop- demented little child. I yelled at him but of ing it would turn off the sign and return it to course he paid no attention to me. Infuriated, its previous position. I threw the pipe at him. He tried to duck but Just then Chad returned with the biggest wasn’t quite fast enough and the pipe caught armload of stuff I had ever seen. It was so him a glancing blow on the side of his head. large I wondered how he could carry it all He slid to the floor, dazed, sat there a few sec- and see where he was going. He stopped onds, and then slowly slid down flat on his close by and dumped the stuff on the floor back. and looked at me triumphantly. “There. Realizing that I had made a major mis- Something in that ought to help.” take, I ran over and picked up the pipe. Then I dropped the controller and looked over I remembered the controller the inventor had what he had brought, then bent down and used. I looked around for it and found it picked up a long, thin, cylinder with brightly lying near the inventor’s limp hand. I picked colored stripes along its length. “A pea shoot- up the device, pointed it at the robot and start- er?” ed to press a button—then stopped. If I “Not just an ordinary pea shooter.” Chad thought the remote control for a VCR was smiled crookedly. “It’s lead, and actually it complicated, this thing had a VCR controller shoots radioactive pellets. I’m not sure why. beat a dozen ways for complexity. There But I thought maybe it was worth trying.” were buttons galore on the thing. True, there “I don't think so.” I prodded another, were words inscribed on the buttons, but they much larger object with my right foot. “The were incredibly tiny, almost microscopic, and rocket launcher might work—if you have a looked as if they were in some foreign lan- rocket for it and a damned good aim. Other- guage. Desperately, I began pushing the but- wise you might blow up the whole place. tons one after another, which only made Maybe we ought to try something else.” I things worse. I stopped immediately and looked over the rest of the items in the collec- forced myself to study the controller in the tion. hope of figuring out which button would “Will you guys hurry up and do some- make the robot stop moving. There was one thing,” Lan shouted. Rather desperately, I large red button at the top left of the device. thought. “My legs can’t take much more and

23 my arm’s getting numb from this thing’s grip guess there’s no choice.” on it.” Chad reached into his shirt pocket and “Yeah! Okay,” Chad and I both shouted removed what looked like a piece of thin at the same time. cardboard. He loped over to where the robot “I’m going to try the rocket launcher,” and Lan were dancing and held the piece of Chad said, picking it up and checking it. cardboard up in front of the robot’s optics. “Are you sure you know how to use it?” The result was almost immediate. The robot I backed away from him a few feet. let go of Lan’s arm, dropped its own arms to “No, but how difficult can it be?” Chad its sides, stood up straight and—I swear to hoisted it up onto his shoulder, took careful Ghu and Foo Foo and Roscoe it really hap- aim, and fired. pened—its head spun around just like Linda Unbelievably, the robot reached out with Blair’s in The Exorcist. After a few seconds its free hand and snatched the rocket out of the robot’s head stopped spinning and oily the air. It tossed the rocket toward a partly smoke began pouring out of every orifice and broken window and the rocket finished the joint in its body. The robot began quivering, job as it sailed out of the building. There was then shaking violently until first one arm, a dull thud and a small boom as the rocket then the other, fell off, followed by its head, detonated. right leg, left leg, and then the torso came “I hope it didn’t damage anything valu- crashing down upon the pile of parts. able,” I said. Just then the mad scientist regained his “Around here? Who cares?” Chad said. consciousness again and stood up. He shook “We’ve got to get Lan away from that robot.” his head, rubbed his eyes, and looked around. “Yeah.” I desperately looked at the pile “My robot! Where is my robot?” of stuff Chad had brought. “Is there any sort I pointed to the pile of scrap in front of of device here that would somehow jam the us. robot’s electronics or something?” The scientist looked at the jumble of “Could be, but I don’t know what it parts. “Oh no! My God, what did you do to would be or how to work it.” Chad looked at it? What horrible weapon did you employ to Lan and the robot. Both were dancing furious- cause such terrible damage?” ly, the robot not the least bit tired—of course. “Well, sir,” Chad said, 'I didn’t want to I studied the pile of stuff more closely, do it, but we had to stop the robot. So I forcing myself to concentrate on what was showed him this.” He held the piece of card- there and hoping my brain would slip into board up in front of the scientist, who took gear. It was a hopeless thought: my mind one look at it, moaned, and fainted dead went blank and refused to think of anything away, falling on top of the remains of his late but chocolate covered cherries, and I got the invention. strongest craving for a box of them. “What on earth did you show him,” I “We’ve got to do something,” I said. asked, my curiosity too strong to resist. “There has to be something in this pile of “Just a picture,” Chad said and handed stuff that would do the job.” the square of cardboard to me. “Yes, but what?” Chad sounded as des- I looked at it. My heart seemed to slow perate and hopeless as I did. We both looked down, I felt a chill all over, and I had to put at each other in silence. Then Chad's eyes lit out a hand and brace myself against Lan. He up (A weird sight, that. I would never have glanced at what I held, then shuddered, but thought a human being capable of such a was made of much sterner stuff, and only thing.) and he smiled. “I’ve got just the thing. turned a slight shade of white. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use it but I The picture was of Howard Devore clad

24 only in his underpants. It was a fearsome and of some sort of equivalent serious charge for chilling photograph and anyone seeing it Chad. And of course also sue the man for could not help but be affected in some strong, compensatory damages. I figured that this violent way. Now Howard is a fine person, a way he’d come off a lot cheaper in the long man full of interesting tales—a few of which run. might even be true—and he has been around Outside, I climbed into the passenger’s fandom a long time, but there are certain side in front, locked the door, and hung on things about him which are best kept unseen for dear life. If I survived the ride back to the and unknown by the general public. Howard hotel, I was going to convince Lan to drive Devore in nothing but his underpants is one to the restaurant. At least when he drives, I of those things. And Howard Devore when know for certain all four tires are touching he’s in his huckster mode is another, a fear- the pavement. As I settled down in the seat, I some force indeed. All I can say is, I’m glad could hear them already discussing possible Howard is on our—fandom’s—side and most- restaurants and Lan was saying something ly does good with his powers. about checking to see if Kathy wanted to join After a few seconds, I regained my com- us for dinner. I took a deep breath but kept posure and looked at my two friends. “Well, I silent. After all, a promise is a promise. guess we’re done here. Shall we go back to One last thing. For a long time after- the con for a while? Once we’re in more wards, the sight of a robot in some old movie familiar surroundings, we can relax and—” was enough to give me cold shivers and the “Decide where to go for dinner,” Lan fin- urge to seize a giant can opener, and whenev- ished. “Sure thing, Tom. It’s a good thing the er I saw someone in a lab coat, I felt like run- robot had hold of my left arm, otherwise I ning in the other direction. Fortunately for might have had problems eating. I should be me, the passage of time dims memory and okay. Of course, you still might have to cut certain fears don’t seem quite so great. These my steak for me . . . ” days, I’m not quite that bad anymore. Even “Steak?” Chad smiled and put away so, I don’t think I’ll ever forget our en- Howard’s picture, much to my relief. “I counter with the mad scientist and his danc- hadn’t been thinking in terms of steak, but ing robot. now that you mention it . . .” “Oh boy,” I muttered, as I followed Lan and Chad toward the door. I started to get my -The End- billfold out to check my cash supply, then stopped, looked back at the unconscious sci- entist. I knew it was wrong and I knew my conscience would bother me for ten or fifteen seconds, but after what we had been through, the guy owed it to us. I ran back to the scien- tist and checked the pockets on his lab coat. Sure enough there was a wad of bills in one of them. I counted out seventy-five dollars, jammed it into my pants pocket, then turned and ran to catch up with the others. Yeah, it was technically stealing, but then we could just as easily press charges against the scien- tist for assault and battery to Lan, mental anguish to me, and—well we’d have thought

25 Bad Places Taral Wayne

I used to make friends who were science Then we flagged down a police car and scoot- fiction fans. At present, I seem mostly to ed. make friends who were once science fiction On another occasion, while walking fans. Logically, the next step would be to down the main drag of Toronto, one of the make friends who had never been science fic- street bums who made his living playing the tion fans, and presumably never would be. harmonica (badly) collapsed in front of us. That eventuality is comfortably over the His head made an unpleasant sound connect- event horizon still. Live for today. ing with the sidewalk. I doubt he even Somehow, my friends at home never noticed, though. He was preoccupied with seem to be up to much in the way of mis- what I instantly diagnosed with my self- chief. All the same, things happen that taught amateur expertise as a fit of some appear in a quite different light if I’m remind- vague sort. Some paramedics who happened ed of them. One friend, for instance, took up to come by a couple of minutes later bundled mycology and inveigled me into eating some the bum into their ambulance and disap- noxious looking fungus he found at the side peared, siren howling, up the street. I had of the path, in a remote region of the bush, in done my part, I reasoned, by supplying the a deep ravine, in darkest North Toronto. Nei- source of contagion of this mysterious plague ther of us died, and my friend has gone on to of falling bodies. greater foolhardiness which, if he survives, is Once, my friends and I were investigated bound to result in a good story. by the RCMP. One, who I won’t name, Another selection from my casebook – comes and goes from Toronto, and every two of us were out one night, when a body time he’s back in the city he tries to start a fell from a tree in our path. It lay there in a sort of conversational club at The Davenport heap of twisted limbs while we stepped over Gardens (Fine Chinese and Canadian Food). it, without any interruption in our talk. With- He has very particular ideas of what sort of out a thought, we’d recognized the body for a person should attend the meetings. The fly- dummy, and the apparent accident as a Hal- ers he puts out are worded very carefully to loween prank. attract only that sort of person. Inevitably he Something rather similar happened anoth- attracts known science fiction types that he er time, when I was out late with either the specifically doesn’t want, proto-fans, utter same friend, or maybe another. An old man, dorks, and at last the Mounties. They were who we thought was looking for his contacts, convinced that they’d come across a group of turned out to have been walking an elephan- subversive pederasts dealing dope. “Bill”, tine and rambunctious dog left to him by his the Davenport’s waiter and owner, firmly late wife. After the mutt pulled him over, it denied that anyone peculiar ever patronized stood patiently on lead to see if his owner his Fine Establishment, and all was well. could get up again, and might need another But let me tell you how I wantonly assist to the ground. We didn’t walk over endangered Southern Ontario and perhaps this body. I took command of the dog Upper New York State as well… (which the old fellow was clubbing feebly Paul was an ex-science fiction reader, or with his cane) and took it back to its home. nearly so, who I’d known for a bit more than 26 two years. Like everyone else I knew, he there. The playground wasn’t far from an old had some odd ideas that don’t square with churchyard. And of course, there was the pre- consensus reality. That sort of thing often dictable battlefield from the War of 1812 not makes people interesting, if they can manage far away. not to be outright crackpots. One of Paul’s The stage arrangements were classic. As idées fixe is that, when he was a boy, he such, they produced more than a bit of disbe- knew of a playground that was haunted. lief among those who’d never been there. This came out at a Christmas party, Paul and Simon had wanted for some time to about two in the morning, after most of my drive people to Niagara Falls for a Saturday guests had left the house. I turned the lights outing, so I suggested that we make a visit to down so that the survivors could tell ghost Paul’s playground the occasion for it. Paul stories. When Paul’s turn came, he said that said it was fine with him what we did, but he there had been a playground in Niagara Falls might not want to go along with us. It (Ontario) that all the neighborhood kids depended on the prevailing metaphysical con- shunned. It was peculiarly situated, and ditions that day, he added. sometimes caused an unreasonable sense of Hadji, local raconteur of spooks and fear. Paul himself had felt it, more than ghouls, was skeptical, but also interested in once. He said that often he’d meant to go in, their story for its text book features. He’d but something would stop him. “Something? heard of many “bad places” and knew of one What kind of something?” he was asked. or two. He and a boyhood buddy had made “I don’t know,” he said in paraphrase. one, he claimed. “Just a feeling that if I went in there, some- They’d found an underpass that hissed. thing awful might happen. Or that something Air, forced down the expansion joints of the awful was there, even if nothing happened road above, produced a sinister sibilance after all.” whenever a car passed overhead. In a little Simon, who had also lived in Niagara alcove in the supporting concrete they paint- Falls, said that he didn’t think the place was ed a skull and crossbones. They built a funer- haunted, but nevertheless there were times al pyre next, and occasionally scribbled a when he refused to go in. new Latin curse. In next to no time at all, the “Once when I was older,” Paul contin- entire neighborhood knew the place as The ued, “I drove past the place, meaning to stop. Hissing Skull. Bolder types would come in I couldn’t. I literally couldn’t. Another time, daylight to eradicate the skull. By night it I was in a car with someone who did exactly would be renewed by Hadji, and reinforced the same thing I did. He took off like a shot by even more ferocious curses. Hadji said when he went by the place, and couldn’t get that the place was entirely artificial, but a grip on himself for quite a while after.” nonetheless had a pretty thick atmosphere at That evening, we learned several other night, when the hisses whistled out of the interesting details about the playground. darkness. He took me there one summer, and Sometimes the place was all right – it felt per- the grinning skull was still visible. The curs- fectly safe and no-one hesitated to go in. It es had been whitewashed over by the Works had nothing to do with day or night, though department, but the mortar was peeling, so foggy or drizzly conditions were generally that many could still be made out. The forbidding. Odd things happened in the alcove even showed signs of recent offerings homes of people Paul knew, who had lived – little scraps of burnt somethings. nearby. There was a bare spot in the middle However, The Hissing Skull no longer of the playground, where the awful feelings hissed. Perhaps ritual had degenerated over were most intense, and nothing would grow the years, and the sacrifices lost their poten

27 cy. Or maybe the Works department had ror, and we drove over to the north shore of caulked the expansion joints with tar. Lake Eerie to wade in the shallow, pebbly Hadji allowed that he could tell if Paul’s bottomed water. playground was genuinely spooked. I In broad daylight and from the street, the promised to unspook it, if the miserable playground was hardly visible through a sort apparition dared to show its shirttail. of narrow entrance-way between two homes. When I was about two, going on three, I There were stone gate posts, and the houses had what might have one of the very few to either side were fenced off with chicken arguably supernatural experiences in my life. wire. The park or playground lay behind I was in a bed that I recall was still barred, their back yards. It seemed from a distance and the room had a night light. Although it just to be some grass, an embankment at the wasn’t dark, I suddenly noticed a spot of back, and a hedge atop it. It was an odd set- light that I hadn’t noticed before, and began up, but far from unnerving. to cry. When Mother came it no longer I think it was Hadji who pointed out the seemed to be there, though I can’t explain hex sign painted on the garage next to the why. She told me it had been an angel. way in. This wasn’t Amish country. Now, of course, I’m convinced neither that On the way back to the park, we were the light was ever there, or of Mother’s expla- shown another bad place to be. It was out in nation. Kids are imaginative, and I could eas- the country, at the end of a dirt road. An ily have jumped to the conclusion that a light overpass had been built out of cobblestones I hadn’t noticed actually hadn’t been there for a now disused railway. Beyond that was before. But if I did believe in such things as blackness that seemed darker than the falling angels, it would be pleasing to think there night. Simon said that when he was younger, had been a genuinely benevolent spirit of he could just drive a Mini through the tunnel. some kind there in the room with me that It led to a shortcut over a farmer’s field. The night. It made a case that I was “protected” point of that maneuver is forgotten, but there against evil influences. was a story about the tunnel itself I’m less Certainly I knew of no “bad places” of likely to forget. my own. Fortified by this academic stand, I Not far from the overpass there was an reasoned that I could defy Paul’s haunted old house that had burned down around the playground. I was “protected” after all. turn of the century. The family perished On that note, the evening ended. Spring inside, and a boy ran burning out of the and Summer came and went, without an out- house, to expire halfway through the very tun- ing. The playground was almost forgotten. nel we stood in. The story went that if you lit Somewhat to my surprise, though, one Fall a match there at night, you’d hear distant Paul stirred himself enough to organize a screams, and the wind would blow out the drive to Niagara Falls. In almost the last match. I don’t doubt that matches blew out if good weather of the year, a bunch of us lit in a natural wind-tunnel, but from the look drove out to the small city on the Canadian of the place it was unlikely that many people side, and saw his old stomping grounds. tried it. Most of the afternoon we spent hiking along Night had long fallen. In a mood now to the nature trails in the Niagara Gorge, a cou- tackle the main feature of the program, we ple of miles below the Falls. The playground parked brazenly at the entrance of Paul’s was very much on everyone’s mind, but Paul haunted playground. If the place seemed a lit- didn’t want to go in before dark. Until then, tle suggestive in daylight, after dark it was we had to be satisfied with a quick drive by dramatic. The street was frozen in mercury in daylight. Then it was in our rear view mir light, and the entrance to the park was an

28 inky strait too much like another we’d just about them, about which was the barren seen. A low chain ran from post to post, clos- ground with the evil aura. The three of them ing the park. By shading your eyes from the made an obvious line from the slide to the lights on the street, though, you could make middle of the playground, clearing up that out against the urban airglow the secretive mystery in my mind at least. Then Paul, hidden space beyond the gates. Paul Simon, and Victoria left, leaving Hadji and announced that in spite of appearances, the me behind. We jawed a bit, in peace, and place felt “clean” that night. Both Simon and also left. Paul thought they’d go in with the rest of us. Outside, we all conferred. Hadji gave There was no wisp of fog, no full moon, nor his evaluation. He’d felt nothing out of the any other signal circumstance, and once we ordinary about the place, but he could see were over the chain and away from the street how it might give you the creeps if you were lights, it wasn’t even a very dark night. predisposed. To see if he would pick up any- You walked for about a hundred feet thing without a crowd, Hadji and Paul went before you were in the park proper. Past the back in by themselves. They came back. enclosing back yards, the entrance opened up Hadji had to admit that the build up of expec- into a field about the size of an average tations, and the self-conscious state he was in schoolyard. It seemed anything but spacious were beginning to fray even his nerves. though. At the back, the ground rose up in Then came my moment. an embankment that was man high. At the Hadji was right. Focusing on your own top a hedge grew, concealing a well-lit park- state of mind only creates fear where there ing lot or tennis court on the other side. But might have been none. It’s like being asked the light in the playground came entirely to not think “red” or about sex for five min- from the sky. utes. Once in your mind that way, how can At one end I made out some swings and you think about anything else? I could only a slide in the inky darkness; at the other end a dwell on how dark it was, and that I was pair of goal posts. Paul pointed out the bar- alone, and that Paul sincerely believed the ren spot. There were three of them now, not place was frightening, and just how scared one, and he didn’t know which had been the was I ? Over the chain, the lighted gateway original. He indicated at which end the field shrank behind me. It was only a two hundred ran up against the churchyard. It too was foot graveled path, not the last two hundred unseen behind a dark hedge. Above, we steps to the gallows, so before I had much were surrounded by urban glare. But it time to worry I was standing in front of seemed that we were sunk below natural Paul’s three barren patches. With no way to ground level, in a well of darkness. There determine which was which, I could only was a funny, sweet smell in the air too. hope I had enough stamina to insult each of Funny smells in the air are dead give- them in turn. aways that there is supernatural hanky-panky Taking a nervous look around to be sure going on, said Hadji. But I’d smelled that I was alone, I unzipped. Then one by one I smell before, and kicked new-cut grass under- transgressed each of the patches of bare foot. When I mentioned it, Hadji added that earth, one of which was alleged to be the cen- he thought that was more likely the case. Cut ter of whatever malignant influence lay on crass though… shit... Oppressive though the the park. place was, nothing was really supernatural I had just stamina enough. Then it was about mown grass, or darkness. We stood zip up, turn my back, and walk to safety at an around a while, and talked about the bare unconcerned pace while in fact my heart was spots. Paul still couldn’t make up his mind thumping in my chest. Thirty seconds to the

29 street and the light. Fifteen. Ten. Don’t fifty miles to the east. begin to hurry or I’d run… Five seconds. If some Power sought out the mortal that Step over the chain. Safety. provoked it in its slumbers, and failing to “Were you scared?” locate that mortal, fell dormant again, there “Nah.” might have been a causal connection between Well, actually, I wasn’t scared. I was those quakes and my small act of defiance in nervous. When someone is as sure as Paul Niagara Falls. Then again, there might not had been, it’s hard not to believe there might have been. not be something to what they said. But the Science, of course, has it that fluids seep- park communicated nothing to me before or ing into rock can lubricate micro faults, pre- after the outrage I committed on it. cipitating earth movements. But between To my waiting friends I said that I had you and me, I don’t like fantastic explana- noticed one peculiarity that I hadn’t picked tions. My bladder wasn’t that full in any up on before. Hadji and I went back in. case. With his company, my nervousness was gone [] completely, and the park went on communi- cating nothing. At the bare patches again, we stopped. I asked him to listen to the sounds of the city all around. I thought they didn’t seem like they were in the distance, as they should have been, but more as though they were in the park with us. Might the enclos- ing hedges and embankments act as a bowl, capturing sounds inside? He thought it might. If it were true, it would make other- wise unnoticed background noises seem unnaturally, menacingly near, just below the level of awareness. But neither of us could say for certain if anything sounded different or not, even though we were listening for it. The question was left unsettled. We left Niagara Falls, getting back to Toronto a couple of hours later, tired, and beyond caring about spooks who might wake up wet in their graves. Perhaps it would been better if we had cared more. A few days later, the first earth- quake shook Niagara Falls. A day later the epicenter moved closer to Toronto, shaking Burlington Ontario and other points east. Then Toronto shook, early in the morning. I missed it myself, being asleep in the concrete floored basement of my family’s house, but the tremors were felt by neighbors next door. I was told later that the houseplants had all swayed in their hangings. And then a mild quake was felt in Ottawa, three hundred and

30 From the Readers

From: Gene Wolfe and can be only one author, one dream. PO Box 69 As for me, I seem to be recovering—or Barrington IL 60011 at least, somebody is. There are times when I feel sure that Gene Wolfe died on the operat- 7/23/10 ing table; and that I, the resuscicant Wolfe, have been called in to write the ending. Dear Tom, don’t remember anything that took place in the operating room, you understand. It’s just Thank you for The Reluctant Famulus! a feeling. And for your note. That was very kind of Also there’s the two-month vacuity re- you. sulting from the time spent in Good Shepherd That business of our universe existing in and the nursing home. (During the quarter- a wormhole of some larger universe I find year of April, May, and June, I went into the oddly comforting. For one thing, the fact that hospital five times. I doubt that’s a record, such ideas can be seriously proposed shows but it may be in the running.) My writing just how little we really comprehend what’s area is full of calendars, nine or ten I think. going on. It made me think of Alice falling When I got back they all indicated that it was down the rabbit hole. I’m sure you’ve mid April. Slowly, I’ve been moving them noticed (no doubt everybody has) that though up. Goodbye to you, April kittens! The pup- she’s supposed to be underground, and in pies of July have arrived to replace you. fact the title of the original and much shorter Farewell, Badlands! Welcome the chill in- story was ALICE’S ADVENTURES UN- land shore of Lake Superior. DERGROUND, she emerges into a sunlit world. It’s just that Wonderland is a very dif- Faithfully, ferent world, a world (it would appear) of another universe. Someone said that the universe was not only stranger than we know but stranger than [[I often wonder myself just how well all we can know. I don’t know who it was, but those theoretical physicists and cosmologists he was right about it—or at least, as right understand the ideas and hypotheses which about it as human beings can be. seem to spring into life constantly. Do we Does any late issue actually require a really, completely comprehend what’s going apology? Life is such a dicey thing at best. on? I know I’m not smart enough to answer Major magazines cheat the Fates—some- that question. I must admit to my embarrass- times — by having large staffs. If the theater ment it never occurred to me that Alice, editor falls ill or off a cliff, or falls for some underground, was in a sunlight world. And exotic dancer, the book review editor can fill yet it is so obvious that I wonder how I or in. In many cases there’s an assistant, even anyone else could have failed to see the con- an assistant to the assistant, waiting in the tradiction. Perhaps Charles Lutwidge “Lewis wings. But fanzines are not like that. Fan- Carroll” Dodgson was somewhat ahead of zines are like novels and universes; there is the theoretical physicists of his time and the 31 rabbit hole was really a wormhole piercing Man, I am still waaay behind in loccing. the Earth and Alice did indeed find herself in Then again, my life has been extremely busy another universe.//About the statement re- this year, more than I expected. For three con- garding the universe: it’s attributed to J. B. secutive semesters I have been teaching over- S. Haldane, geneticist and atheist, and went, load schedule, plus both summer sessions last “I have no doubt that in reality the future will year and this year. That alone will cut into be vastly more surprising than anything I can spare time. Add in the family factor, and imagine. *ow my own suspicion is that the whatever spare time does exist is depleted Universe is not only queerer than we sup- that much faster. It's a wonder I’m able to pose, but queerer than we can suppose.”// write any locs at all, let alone produce a Admittedly a fan-editor shouldn’t have to fanzine. Thank Ghu I decided to go to a quar- apologize for the lateness of an issue and yet terly schedule with Askance; it seems to have many have and still do. Go figure. As you saved my sanity. So how’s your sanity hold- note, major magazines have the advantage of ing up these days? large staffs (all paid, of course). About the Great cover by A.B. Kynock. This gets a only reasons a major maga- scientifictional grade of zine might have a late issue A. Not quite A+, but would be if, say, the press close, even though I real- broke down (presuming the ly like the muted colors particular magazine still and the softened lines used offset presses) or that the stipple effect cre- there’s a strike by the maga- ates. Was that deliberate zine staff or the printers' by Kynock, or did the col- union. But then again, at or reproduction con- least in the event of a press tribute to this effect? breakdown the magazine Probably a combination may have a backup printer of both, I suspect. No available. I very much like matter. Good artwork. your final sentence, “Fan- Your editorial re- zines are like novels and minds me just how sci- universes; there is and can be only one ence fictional of a world we live in right author, one dream.” Amen to that.//*othing I now. I must admit that some of the concepts can add to the rest of the letter except to say that Poplawski, Aharonov and Tollakson your brief account was fascinating and—to stretched my brain in directions it’s not used me—thought-provoking in relation to human to stretching; you really should have warned mortality.]] us readers more thoroughly because I think I sprained a dozen or so synapses in my frontal lobe. It will have to come out. Freaky stuff, From: John Purcell though. I watched that episode of “Stephen Saturday July 31, 2010 Hawking’s Universe” on Discovery Channel in which he made that Columbus analogy. Congratulations on the milestone 75th Thing is, I agree with him. Yes, you’re right; issue, Thomas! And it’s a fine issue, to boot. this has been a common theme in SF stories I have no idea if Askance will ever reach for decades, but keep in mind that the mass such a high issue count, but it could if my public doesn’t think like us geeks. That, in interest continues. But your zine is in front fact, is the audience that Hawking addresses. me today, so here goes. Think of it: contact with an alien intelligence

32 would blow our egocentric view of the uni- Quickly, thank you Alfred Byrd for yet verse clear out of the ether. It is bad enough another delightful Kentuckiana entry; Bob how the Catholic Church will react, but the Sabella, good stuff; Gene Stewart, I have to lowest common denominator of humans are agree with you 100% that fanzine writing is all going to royally freak out. Besides, it is personal; Sheryl Birkhead, my heart cries for highly unlikely contact will happen any time you, but good heavens, girl, the fights you soon, if at all. As Scotty always told Captain wage; and, Tom, the faan fiction was fun. Kirk, “I canna change the laws of physics!” From the loccol: Robert Kennedy men- The odds of contacting another civilization, tions his Alan Sherman album, My Son, the assuming that some are Out There, are slim Folk Singer. I own a couple of Sherman’s to none. The distances alone render this a albums: My Son, the *ut, which contained moot point. Unless, of course, wormhole theo- the classic “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah,” ries actually *work* and can be used for pop- “Automation,” “Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue,” ping in and out of space-time at a reasonably “Hail to Thee, Fat Person,” and my all-time predictable coordinate. favorite history song, “You Went the Wrong Aside: I have been reading Gordon R. Way, Old King Louie.” The other album was Dickson’s Mission to Universe this weekend, For Swinging Livers Only, which had even so some of the theories your editorial address- more silly songs like “Pop Hates the Beat- es kind of apply to that story. les,” “The Kiss of Meyer”, and his version of Anyway, my point is that theories are “Casey Jones.” Brilliant stuff, and a crying fine and dandy, but the reality is that humans shame he died so young. Thankfully these are innately scared of change, even if said were two records that didn’t get tossed dur- change is for the better. Witness what’s hap- ing my parent’s ruthless (I wonder where pened in America since the 2008 election. Ruth is?) house cleaning. Just imagine what would happen if First Con- Good solid issue, Thomas. Many thanks, tact really DID happen. I am afraid it would and I look forward to another one. not be a pretty sight. Hey, don’t apologize for the lateness of All the best, the issue; we all understand. Fantastic news John Purcell about finishing that “Wartime Daze” compila- tion by Terry Jeeves. I would also love to have a copy of this. How much will you be [[Thank you. When I first began doing TRF I charging for this? This is a very worthy pro- had no idea how long the fanzine would last. ject, and you could use the money to pass Certainly I never thought that far ahead, along to TAFF or the other fan funds. Also, being content to take it one issue at a time.// Terry is in my thoughts and prayers. Receiv- You could probably reach 75 issues but they ing Erg in trade all those years ago was would have to come out much more frequent- always a treat, and I wish I still had those, ly, something which might not be practicable too. My parents threw out all my fanzines if you have many other interests and obliga- when they cleaned house to sell it after dad tions vying for your time. And your second retired, and some of the accumulated detritus paragraph snippets seem to support that of the years (23 of them to be exact) included notion. Just keep doing it as you can, when my stash of fanzines, and I really shouldn’t you can with no apprehension about what the mention the lost 45's, albums, comic books, future may or will bring.//In regard to the baseball and football cards my brother and I covers of TRF 75—actually they were printed had piled up over the years. Yeesh... the by a professional printer at what I consid- thought makes me cry. ered a reasonable cost and look better than

33 what my printer and copier can do.//After From: Sheryl Birkhead reading those article I too found my brain 25509 Jonnie Court being stretched—and twisted and totally con- Gaithersburg, MD 20882 fused—and was afraid I might have dislocat- ed my cerebral cortex or some other impor- August 7, 2010 tant part of my brain. A lot of those theories are indeed freaky and seem to defy what Dear Tom-- many call common sense.//I should have real- ized Hawking would be “preaching to the NASFiC weekend - will be interesting to multitude” of those unfamiliar with decent SF read the con reports. I know there is some (and, yes, there is such a thing) and its explo- concern the membership will not be high rations of the ideas he was passing along. enough to plant their finances in the black. Unfortunately for many of us SF fans contact Time will tell. with extraterrestrials will not happen in what- Interesting - That Crazy Buck Rogers ever time we have in our lifetimes. I know I Stuff - can refer to concepts fans take for greatly regret the inescapable fact that I granted - or be pejorative epithets applied to won’t be around those concepts to witness such from “others”. contact and, in Gee - while I the case of actual read IF and F&SF physical contact, in the 60s (among never get to see other prozines) I what those beings only recall Ted look like or meet White’s “The any of them in per- Clubhouse”. Agh - son. Damn! “. . . to see the phrase slim to none.” “In the nearly Indeed. Maybe a twenty years since thousand years I started my col- from now, assuming humans are still around umn in TRF . . .” Wow, I knew . . . But and recognizable as such. //Yes, “. . . theo- didn’t . . . 20 years. Almost “legal”. In Mr. ries are fine and dandy, but the reality is that Sabella’s zine (just arrived in a spiffy plastic humans are innately scared of change, even envelope) - his retirement has STRUCK. if said change is for the better. . . . Just (Hmm just noticed page 6,7,8, 7,8,9) imagine what would happen if First Contact LDC? I know LCD but not . . . About really DID happen. I am afraid it would not veggie versus beef - ah- that means the beef be a pretty sight.“ That is one event I’ll be burger producers attract 0% of the veggie glad never to see.//After reading your para- market - so smaller producers of veggie burg- graph about the Alan Sherman albums you ers may be able to get a fair market share. still have, I feel like seeing where I can find Thank you for pubbing WARTIME them (most likely online) and purchase them. DAZE. I don't know about ”Ruths“ in general but I As you know, my computer problems do know where one in particular is—she’s changed what I wanted to what I could get located in the same house as I am and sleeps from my skull/hook pieces. Now you under- in the same bed and so I guess, for the most stand the font problem! As it turns out, the part, I’m not “ruthless” or “Ruthless”, howev- computer death resulted in the loss of the er one wants to put it.]] font I originally used, so I selected something

34 a bit different but . . . You and I both know From: @ed Brooks the hoops I had to jump through to get what I August 14, 2010 did - I was pleased (even if it was NOT what I’d done originally - sigh), and as long as you Hi Tom - Thanks for the zine. You are were satisfied, what more can a fan ask? getting to be a Publishing Jiant! Many doing research are not specifically Interesting about the cash found in dog looking for a practical application (for grins, poop - I guess this proves what I read some- see if Gorilla Glue when googled gives you where long ago, that dogs, while they like to its history . . . Or postal notes, or . . . gnaw bones, eat anything they can swallow Researchers research. whole. The colorful touches (and cover, of I saw the story about the parasailing don- course) and [?] a lot - thanks. key - reminds me of the old carnival stunt It seems the laptop can’t be made to con- with a diving horse. It seems to me that the nect to the outlet (the connector was replaced horse was at much greater risk - the donkey and now I can’t make it charge!) so - looks as suffered mostly from panic. Would it be pos- if a lot of hand scrawl in in my future. sible to gradually acclimate a donkey to para- Thanks for all you do - and for these sailing? I have no idea - but it doesn't seem issues! any more unlikely that the seal's ability to bal- ance a ball on its nose. [[So far I haven’t seen or read anything offi- Pretty good fan-fiction - but what is it cial about *ASFiC but then (shame on me) I about your typesetter that allows the common haven’t made an effort to look. It seems as if phrase “for a” to consistently appear as the I always have something else to do.//That word “fora”? Do you have such an advanced was how I meant the title of the intro to last dictionary file that it recognizes that as the issue, in both senses: affectionately and (at Latin plural of “forum”? least a little) pejoratively.//Well it won’t be I agree with Taral and John Purcell - long and then it will be “legal“.//Re Wartime Adam Sandler is icky. Whatever that means - Daze— you’re very welcome.//True, many in any case I cannot watch him attempt to por- doing research weren’t specifically looking tray a human being. for a practical application. Take, for exam- I was reminded of “Saint” Thomas ple, penicillin, vulcanizing rubber, Velcro, More’s supposed viciousness because it Silly Putty (well, maybe not practical in this appeared in the recent cable-TV series “The case but at least fun and profitable), smart Tudors” - I was not there myself, and don’t dust, and so on.//Once again, you’re very wel- know just how well documented his activities come. But some of that thanks truly goes to are. History does get fuzzier as time passes - you for the covers, articles, and fillos you perhaps Tomas de Torquemada and Genghis have supplied over the years as well as your Khan were really nice guys with a bad moral support. Some of that thanks should press.... also go to Bob Sabella, Gene Stewart, and Al Alexis didn’t have much of a shelving Byrd for their columns and Kurt Erichsen, problem if two bookcases could solve it - I’m Brad Foster. A. B. Kynock, Alexis Gilliland used to assembling bookcase kits, my prob- and others for their artwork. Without you lem is where to put another bookcase . . .. and the rest TRF wouldn’t be much of a I never had an electric can-opener. My fanzine and certainly wouldn’t have been sister uses one, but she has carpal tunnel. around this long. So—thank you all!]] They seem to wear out fast. I have used the same plier-type cutting-wheel gizmo for sev- eral years. Most cans now seem to be alumin-

35 um rather than steel, and not very resistant to particularly funny is Ben Stiller, and that cutting. despite how funny his parents Stiller and Glad to hear that your mysterious neigh- Meara were and are. “‘Everybody to their bors are not as bad as you imagined they own taste’, said the old lady as she kissed her might be! cow.’”//Re: Thomas More: Man, I hope you weren’t around then yourself. You’d be a Best, Ned really old fan now if you had been. The histo- ry with which most people are familiar does [[Okay. I’m a “Publishing Jiant”. In a small seem to be getting fuzzier and fuzzier. But way.//Dogs do consume just about anything there are historians who try their best to and everything they can. How about multi- make history more clear and accurate as they colored dog poop from a canine who “ate” can. How much good that will do is anyone’s some crayons (For real. A dog we once had). guess. One thing which More, Torquemada, Or the old clichéd excuse: “The dog ate my Genghis Khan, and others have is that their homework.” Or the pooch who swallowed a mothers loved them. At one time, at least. diamond ring (alleg- Maybe.//The more edly; it may have than half a dozen been a bit inaccu- bookcases I've assem- rate or someone’s bled to hold books lame and clumsy ex - haven’t been kits but cuse). And so on.// made from lumber, Back in the 30s and screws, and wood 40s (and possibly stain. I’ve found it's even earlier or a bit rather difficult to find later) there were bookcase kits 7 or 8 places around the feet tall and 3 or four country which fea- feet wide. Before tured diving horses. long, I suspect I’ll They must have end up having to been remarkably tol- build another erant and patient animals to put up with the one—provided I can find a place to put training and performing, something which it.//You’ve been more lucky with hand-operat- I'm sure horses would never have done on ed can openers than we have. My wife and I their own accord.//I wish I could figure out have problems with two kitchen uten- why the program I used managed to turn for sils/appliances: can openers and coffee mak- a into fora. But then it doesn’t help that the ers. They never seem to last very long, much error slipped past me. Sigh. *o. I doubt very to our disgust.//It was somewhat a relief to much the program has an advanced dictio- learn the truth of what went on down at the nary file, considering all the words I’ve had dead end of our road. As I had suspected, the to add to its spell checker when I knew I truth was much less and more prosaic than would use them frequently or to tell it to imagination or speculation would have been. ignore words I doubted I would use much.//I And maybe not as much fun. Even so, it don’t know if Adam Sandler is “icky” but he makes me wonder: if a guy stabs his brother certainly doesn’t seem all that funny in the in an argument what would he do during an very few movies of his I’ve seen. Maybe he altercation with a complete stranger? I am has a different definition of what a human very thankful they keep to themselves. I also being is. In fact, another person I find not hope I never find out.]]

36 From: Alexis Gilliland of theoretical interest but has little practical 4030 8th Street South, application. The recalculation of Lunar water Arlington, VA 22204 is much the same thing. The initial estimate August 16, 2010 was a SWAG (Silly Wild Ass Guess) number of less that 1 part per billion, while the new Dear Tom, and improved estimate of l00 times that remains less than 0.1 part per million, show- Thank you for TRF #76 which arrived a ing that Luna remains really, really dry. couple of days after my 79 th birthday, the Recently I read Edward O. Wilson’s same day, in fact, that I came home with the “The Diversity of Life” in which, after show- third and hopefully final bookcase from Tar- ing us some of that wonderful diversity, he get. Veneered woodchip of course, as befits a notes that we are entering the fifth great utilitarian and cost effective purchase but it is extinction in the geological record as a result mostly complete at this writing, and the next of humanity destroying habitats like the rain day I did finish it up for the casing of books. forest. Sigh, and then I read ... A copy of a That berm of books in the bedroom was the page of the August 2010 issue of Scientific pile of books on the floor in front of the bed- American is enclosed which suggests that the room bookcase. Temporarily gone now, but burning of fossil fuels on an industrial scale there are still a lot of books around, and they is doing something else besides global warm- do keep coming. ing, namely the acidification of the ocean. In You say “Astronomers have long held geologic time, the change we humans are the theory” that Earth and moon were created effecting is dramatically sudden, which by the collision of the proto-Earth and Theia means that the ocean species will have no (in Greek mythology the mother of Selene, time to evolve coping mechanisms. Just like the Moon goddess) very early in the history that, the ocean's food chains seem likely to of the Solar system. Well, yes, according to start going away, starting at the levels of “The Big Splat” by Dana Mackenzie, it plankton, phyto- and zoo-, so that before the would have been in 1984, when astronomers end of the 21st century (about the time we met at Kona, Hawaii to discuss the various run out of oil) the ocean will be essentially models of Lunar origins, and arrived at their fish free. Could we beat out the Permian theoretical consensus. I guess 26 years is extinction? Stay tuned. enough time for a cosmological theory to be Bob Sabella's review Kim Stanley Robin- “long held,” but as Galileo could testify it is son's “Galileo’s Dream” reminded me that I by no means a record. In 2003 TBS estimated once wanted to write a time travel story in the collision to have been 50 million years which the hero provided Galileo with a Fou- after the solar nebula started to collapse, but cault pendulum so that he could prove to the that is like 4,500 million years in the past, so Holy Inquisition that the Earth was indeed some uncertainty is just plain unavoidable. rotating. Which in turn inspired one of the Scientists work on scientific theories like a enclosed cartoons. Clearly Robinson has dog worrying a bone, in the hopes of either done his research, but since I am pro-Galileo refuting the theory or refining it. An isotopic it is unlikely that I will read his book. Joe study suggesting that the collision took place Major mentions Gemmatria, a word I had to 50 to l00 million years after the initial esti- google, and found it in association with mate is clearly a refinement of the theory. Gematriyah, Gimatria, Gymatria, and Moving the event from minus 4,450 million Hebrew Numerology. Since Revelations years to minus 4,400 million years, and per- gives the Number of the Beast as 666, and haps reducing the uncertainty a little, may be since the Emperor Nero's full name came out

37 to 666 in Hebrew Numerology, it seems wonder how many people actually care more likely that 616 was somebody using the whether or not that other “body” has a wrong system for their calculation rather than name. How curious it is that we humans an error in the Bible. What else? A sheet of always have to name something, as if in cartoons is enclosed, and yes, I would appre- doing so it somehow makes the named object ciate a copy of your Terry Jeeves compila- more real. I also note that in the lead article tion. I quoted in the Introduction no name was Best wishes, applied to the large body which struck the Earth. It must be they were never invited to that meeting in 1984.//That’s the thing with [[79! You’re just a youngster in comparison theories and hypotheses: they keep changing to, oh, rocks, dirt, Methuselah . . . I’ve put or being refined as experiment and observa- together a few of those wood veneered wood- tion add to the previous knowledge.//Isn’t it chip units of various kinds. awful how those pesky sci- Simple, easy (relatively), entists nitpick over the silli- convenient, and cheap. But est things? 50 million years to me somehow they’re not here, 100 million years the same as bookcases there. Regarding “. . . made of real lumber of any Luna remains really, really kind. The smell of pine, oak, dry.” Then what I original- or maple, for example is ly thought before all these one of the pleasures of work- discoveries, observations, ing with such material that, and calculations came to me, can’t compare to about is actually correct. working with ve-neered Maybe. In the end, I still woodchip material. I’m don’t know what or who to glad you answered my ques- believe..//All the facts, fig- tion about berm, not that it was that impor- ures, physical evidence and so on provided tant or urgent, but my curiosity was piqued. by men like Edward O. Wilson and maga- I’d have never used that word to describe a zines like Scientific American mean little if pile of books but I guess it’s as good a the leaders of the nations don’t take them description as any.//Regarding “long held seriously and actively work toward prevent- theory”:It’s all relative, isn’t it? As Albert ing what seems to be certain. I begin to won- Einstein allegedly answered when asked der now if maybe the Human race deserves about his theory of relativity, “Put your hand to suffer the inevitable consequences of their on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like failure to address the problems. Me bad pes- an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, simist!//About your mention of the time travel and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.” story you once wanted to write and your Fou- [The exact phrasing of that reply seems to cault cartoon. I hope you appreciated the vary but the message is the same.] To some, irony of the news article in juxtaposition to 26 years (or slightly over a quarter of a centu- your cartoon. It seemed too good to ry) seems like a long time. To those who have resist.//Gemmatria, or however one chooses been around the greater part of a century it to spell the word still seems to me more non- seems like only a small blip. Either way, sense than anything else. It makes the ideas life’s too short . . . Interesting to note you of theoretical physicists seem somewhat more mention a specific name, “Theia”, for the sensible. I’ll take science over numerological object which struck Earth way back then. I superstition any day.]]

38 From: Brad Foster clearer communication going to be done? By August 18, 2010 working in subtle hand and eyebrow move- ments, by subtle tilts of the head. Yeah, Greetings Tom ~ that’ll do it for sure. I hate it when people tell me in clear language what they want, prefer I Latest issue arrived this week, and have to interpret some sort of body language. unlike last issue, had the time to leisurely That NEVER causes problems in discussions read and enjoy it all. Even have a couple of between real people. (I also liked the throw- useless... er, interesting comments to pass away bit toward the end that they needed to along. put training wheels on the Segway. Wasn’t Oh, business stuff first: attached you that marketed as impossible to tip over? should fine four new bits of goofy filler-ness. Yeah, thought so.) And will be getting the color cover for the And with this latest article from poor next issue to you in a few weeks, if all goes Sheryl about her battles with not only the well, by end of September for sure. mechanical/computer world, but the cold In the opening science bits, talking about blank wall of “customer service”, I have to the amount of water on the moon, I found it... admit that I do, indeed, believe she is NOT interesting? amusing? confusing?, that the being paranoid, and that “they” really ARE water comparisons between the moon, Earth out to get her. So, now that we can all see the and Mars was to say what the depth the water truth of this, the only question left is: what would be if the water from either of the plan- amazing secret lies buried in her mind that is ets was put on the surface of the moon. Yes, causing this persecution? At least, that's how it is a lot, but then it is coming from large it works out in the movies. planets. After reading how much deeper it Nice big bookstore in your fanfic story, would be each time, my only result was but I think you were still thinking small with “Yeah, so what? I've got a golf ball full of the six floors high description. Check out water, and if I put it all on the surface, it will THIS library for a REALLY big room of only cover x-amount of depth. But gosh, if I books: take this water inside a basketball, and put IT http://www.jabberwockygraphix.com/athena on the golf ball, look how much more there eum.html is!” Stats can be odd some time. Two comments out of the loc from Alex- Enjoyed the news about “Airy Beams”, is: First, in my copy of the zine, it looks like and the curving of light. But knew it couldn't his voice is getting louder and louder, as the all be good news, and sure enough, I can see font size on page 42 gets larger, then shrinks they have managed to work in the “and could back down again. Very weird! Second, I be used as a weapon” thing by the end. think it’s great he’s starting to think of Seems you can't invent/discover/develop any- adding some color. In fact, direct to Alexis, thing new, without someone immediately have you had any color stuff in any zines any- wondering how it can be applied to hurting where? I know I never did until all the online someone else. Humans is the CRAZIEST peo- stuff starting making it worth trying, and ples! have been having a lot of fun playing with And finally, in the news from the world colors for the first time in decades. I hope of science opening, we have the case of you continue to experiment with it, and look- Octavia the Robot. It is being designed to ing forward to seeing what you might come work closely with humans, and to up with. “communicate clearly about her goals and Finally in Pamela's email, she mentions abilities...”. And how is this effort toward that her publisher “assumes me that within

39 the next ten years fifty percent of all new with much of what deals with numbers books will be published as ebooks.” That’s can often be—fudged? adjusted? Skewed? one of those statements that can be taken a As for me, I’ve never claimed to know couple of ways: the end-of-books people see everything and have often wondered if I that to mean that if 100 print books came out know anything. *or have I ever claimed last year, then in ten years there will be only to be right much of the time. How I envy 50 print books. However, the rise of ebooks, which are easy to “publish”, is also a rise in those who are (or think they are).// Soon- the number of overall books. So it could also er or later someone somewhere will come be that, if 100 print books came out last year, up with a way to turn something useful in and in ten years ebooks will be half of books, other ways into q method or device for but there will be so many more books killing people. It’s inevitable. After all, if because of the mass a person can make of ebooks, you might explosives from still have your 100 common, ordinary print books, and 100 household chemi- ebooks. It’s still half cals . . . I like that of the total, but it sentence, “Humans doesn’t mean a less- is the CRAZIEST ening of the number peoples!” How inter- of print books. I left esting that you statistics! apparently are famil- iar with the comedi- stay happy ~ an whose saying you adapted and which orig- inally went, “Monkeys is the cwaziest peo- Brad ples!”//Octavia the robot sounds like an inter- esting project. But she isn’t the only such [[“. . . useless . . .”! I suspect they’re hard- robot in development. There are other some- ly that and are as of as much value as any- what similar robots being worked on. At least one else's// Thanks for the “ . . . bits of one version of which is intended as a “com- goofy filler-ness.” I am constantly amazed panion” to the elderly. I think I might prefer by the odd, bizarre and strange things you working closely with an Octavia (or Oscar, come up with. May you long continue to in fairness to equality of the sexes) robot. produce such goofiness. Thanks too for Humans can be so difficult, exasperating, the cover which you got to me much soon- thoughtless, tactless, and inconsiderate to er than I had expected.//Regarding your work with; and in the past have driven me comments about the amount of water on almost nuts. You know, I’ve seen Segways advertised and in movie trailers and have the Moon—you weren’t the only once con- wondered about their stability. I’m not say- fused. They had my poor brain revolving ing I lack good enough coordination to to and I’m not sure it has stopped complete- operate one of those but I wouldn’t be sur- ly yet. Then of course there’s the water on prised if I were able to tip one over uninten- Mars article in the intro to this issue. I’ll tionally.//Hmm. Your speculation about bet someone who has read the past few Sheryl is intriguing. It never occurred to me issues and who has also read this may be that indeed some “amazing secret lies buried thinking along the lines of, “I told you in her mind that is causing this persecution”. so.” With a smug expression. Statistics, as That could explain a lot.//I checked your site. 40 Yeah that’s one great, humongous library, tor pen in the hope of seeing it happen, but I and I’d never want to get lost in it. You must was never lucky. understand that the bookstore in my story was a branch store for Earth Humans and Faithfully, while it was only six stories high it extended much farther horizontally. Exactly how far, I [[That’s an interesting and educational little have no idea. Lan and Tom were too intimi- story about the alligator pen at the Houston dated to try exploring any further.//Regard- Zoo. It’s too bad some of those young show- ing the font size: I have to guess the program offs hadn’t seen some sort of newsreel I used, on its own initiative, changed the font footage or a jungle movie (I’m assuming size and my tired old brain never caught it.]] your account was of something which occurred before the wide use of TVs—but I From: Gene Wolfe could be wrong), such as one of the Tarzan PO Box 69 movies, showing alligators in action. Yes, Barrington IL 60011 they can move fast, especially when it comes 8/18/10 to snatching their prey for a snack. It may be harsh and cruel but I think those foolish Dear Tom, show-offs (and the drunk in Australia) deserved whatever injuries they incurred. That bit about the crocodile rider That penultimate sentence in the third para- brought back fond memories of the alligator graph. You just couldn’t resist the joke, could pen at the Houston Zoo. It was surrounded you? Great. Bravo. I’d like to think I’d have by a plain wire fence about three feet high stuck in something like that if it had occurred and housed a dozen or so large gators. The to me. (And it might have, under the proper alligator was a local animal, of course, one circumstances.) Or did some of the Zoo’s that occasionally wandered into the city. employees just happen to be of those national- Like crocodiles, alligators generally ities? Thank you much for the anecdote. I’ll move very slowly to fool stupid animals keep it as yet another example of human stu- (such as young guys showing off) into think- pidity in action. As if we needed more exam- ing they can move no faster. At the Houston ples.// Zoo, it happened every two years, as regular- ly as the ticking of a clock. Two or three From: John Purcell guys with two or three girls would come to August 19, 2010 see the animals, and one of the guys would show his steely courage by stepping over the Well, how about this? I actually caught fence and getting into the pen with the up with you finally. Of course, having a cou- sleepy, slow-moving alligators. One of which ple of weeks off between summer sessions would grab him by the leg, pull him into the and fall semester helped; in these two weeks pond, and try to drown him. I have written nearly 20 locs. That kind of Since the pond was only four or five production will definitely help chop down inches deep, that was not as easy as it sounds. the un-locced pile of fanzines. The problem His friends would climb in to rescue him is still being behind on a couple of them: for (often getting bitten too), the girls would example, just yesterday morning I sent off a scream, keepers would appear with whips, loc to Guy Lillian on Challenger #31, and chairs, poles, Czechs, and Hungarians, and what should come in the afternoon mail but the whole affair would get written up in the the 32nd issue. That figures. But this time, newspapers. I used to hang around the alliga here is my chance to get on an even keep 41 with The Reluctant Famulus. This feels good. surrounding his murder. Fascinating story And this ish is another fine one. I that makes me wonder if this could be the enjoyed reading the encapsulations of recent basis of another Civil War alternate history science stories you lead off the zine with; novel; What if Union General Jefferson interesting developments. The one I had not Davis had been court-martialed and jailed for heard of was the very first, that the Earth and murdering a fellow officer and thus not Moon were created about 150 million years served under Grant and Sherman? It makes after the solar system was birthed. Fascinat- one wonder. Oh, by the way, Al’s mention of ing how they figured it out, too, and it blows General “Old Brains” Halleck amused me completely out of the water the planet factory because I have a subordination exercise in in Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. which I my Freshman English class that has 10 sen- personally believe is Correct. Among the oth- tences with the common theme of U.S. Civil er news articles you listed, I like the idea of War Generals with nicknames of “Old ____” those robots being named after science fic- awarded them by their soldiers. tion writers: Octavia, Sheryl Birkhead, you Isaac, and Lucas. Okay, really need to go back to George Lucas may be bet- using a manual typewriter ter known as a movie direc- with paper, carbons, sten- tor and screenwriter, but cils, and styli. Forget this technically he’s an SF writ- computer and other techni- er. And what a great tribute cal mumbo-jumbo. You are to Octavia Butler. I still cursed, young lady. can’t believe that she’s Cursed. At least you’ve got gone. Such a tragic loss. a decent sense of humor Shifting gears, here about it all—still. are some quick thoughts on Tom, I really enjoyed other articles: your faan-fiction piece that I have yet to read included Lan Laskowski. Galileo’s Dream, although George was a good friend I do really like Kim Stanley Robinson’s fic- when I knew him back in the late 70s and tion. He is definitely one of my favorite throughout the 80s. Definitely one of the “hard sf” writers right now, alongside Alas- nicest guys I ever met. There are times when tair Reynolds and Gregory Benford. By the I still miss him—and others, too. Great story. time your next issue comes out we should all And with that, I am done. Now to get it know how the Hogu—er, sorry (no I’m to you before you pub again. Oh! Before I for- not!)—Hugo Awards turned out. get, I am about halfway through that book Thank you, Gene Stewart, for steering The Monsters so I can review it for a future me away from a book that sounds like it issue. If it doesn’t make it in time for TRF could have been a decent read. You know a #77, you will definitely have it for the 78th short story collection has major problems issue. when a reviewer pans it, and he/she has only read a handful of the stories therein. All the best, As usual, Kentuckiana was delightful, and even very amusing this time around. The John Purcell story of General “Bull” Nelson is one that I [[What the heck! You, again? Seriously, man- have actually heard of before, and Al Byrd y thanks for the second loc. *ow that you’re did a wonderful job of condensing the events caught up—here comes another damned

42 issue. Still, it gratifies me that you’re caught George was indeed a good person and one of up with TRF at least. (Heh. Heh.)//It seems the best people around. I feel very lucky to as if I’m always encountering something new have known him and also miss him very in science news but it does become confus- much. I hope you enjoyed the “adventure” in ing. How scientists come up with such a par- this issue.//I look forward to printing your ticular estimate is beyond me. That informa- review to The Monsters. Maybe I should take tion doesn't do Slartibartfarst (I think that’s the time to read the copy I have and then com- the correct spelling.) and the planet factory pare my opinion with yours.]] any good. I think I prefer that as a better explanation for the creation of planets. But From: Al Byrd then it does stagger the mind to think of how Aug. 23, 2010 large such a factory must be—and where in space it's located.//The loss of any truly good Dear Tom, SF writer is a tragedy. We’re fortunate that Joe Haldeman and Gene Wolfe are still with Congratulations on reaching the mile- us considering how close they both came to stone of putting out TRF #75 and of achiev- leaving us. Long may they and other SF writ- ing the coup of putting out TRF #76 soon ers continue to write.//I’m somewhat afterwards. I'd been telling myself, “I really ashamed to admit I can’t remember if I’ve need to loc TRF #75,” when the next ish read anything by Robinson. I think I may showed up. have read a little of Reynolds’ stuff. But I am Bob Sabella did a wonderful job of sum- more familiar with Benford and can agree marizing the career of Kim Stanley Robin- with you about him.//I have a strong feeling I son. I've read his Mars Trilogy several times won’t bother with “Poe’s Children” either. with fresh wonder each time at how much He was one of a kind. I had a similar experi- complexity he put into the work. As one ence with Dozois’ “The Year’s Best Science who’s written several novels myself, I don’t Fiction, Twenty-fourth Annual Collection”, believe that I could layer in as much fine and there were some heavyweight writers’ detail, yet achieve such broad scope, in a life- stories included. Maybe there’s something time as Mr. Robinson put into the trilogy in a wrong with my taste.//I’m not sure Union few years. The only other work of his that General Jefferson Davis had much of a dis- I’ve read is Days of Rice and Salt, which I tinctive career both before and after killing might nominate as best all-time alternative Bull *elson so I doubt Grant and Sherman history, for the same reasons for which I would have suffered much, if at all, without admire the Mars Trilogy. I have his Califor- him. Halleck may have been “Old Brains”, nia Trilogy sitting around on a bookshelf for but if I recall correctly he ended up being when I retire. Any day now. Yeah. placed in a supervisory role instead of actual My thanks to Kurt Erichsen for the fine field command.// I wonder now if Sheryl has illos of “Bull Nelson Bites the Dust.” He did considered going back to the “old” technolo- a wonderful job of capturing the essential gy. There is much to be said for manual type- character of the outrageous general, and also writers and accessories but it’s sure not as of illustrating one of my favorite civil War easy to correct typos (when a person is obser- tales, that of the colonel whose effective tar- vant enough to catch them in time while typ- get size was larger than an elephant's. ing) or make changes. Considering all that Sheryl Birkhead’s technological night- she has gone through it’s a wonder she still mare reminded me of the Arthur C. Clarke has a sense of humor.// Thank you for your story “Armaments Race.” It seems to me that comments on my little bits of silliness. the writers of operating systems, by trying to

43 make quantum leaps into the future, are caus- on Mound Builders in Kentucky. There ing ordinary users nothing but confusion and are/were a large number of Adena and frustration. It’s likely hopeless now, howev- Hopewell sites here, some almost within er, to suggest to the programmers that incre- walking distance of where I live. Afterwards, mental improvements would serve the public I can get back to scandalous aspects of the better than big-scale releases do. I myself Civil War in these parts . . . can’t see that, for my purposes, I'd ever need To answer your question about kudzu, I anything fancier than Windows XP and can say that I myself have seen it in Word 2003, and I was perfectly happy with Lawrence County, Ohio, just north of the Windows 98 and Microsoft Works 4.5. I Ohio River. It was on the southern slope of a notice that most of the editors of anthologies steep hillside, which some might call a bluff, to which I’m submitting pre- along US 52. The southern fer .rtf attachments, which exposure and protection one could have sent at the from northwest winds are dawn of time. likely what allowed the A mysterious bookstore kudzu to take root so far in Royal Oak—I can believe north. its being there. In the twenty I can sympathize with years while I lived in subur- Pamela Boal’s unimpres- ban Detroit—most of these sive sales from e book pub- years in Ferndale, just south lishing. I myself have pub- of Royal Oak—I passed lished a number of works through the city countless by POD with iUniverse times on trips up and down (pricy) and Lulu (free, if Woodward Avenue, but you don’t mind do it your- doubt that I ever stopped there. Too ritzy a self), and, though I have quite a page on Ama- place for the son of a blue-collar worker who zon (Alfred D. Byrd), it doesn’t translate into lived half a mile from Eight Mile Road. fame and fortune. If it did, I could at last read To Joseph Major’s question, I have to the California Trilogy. reply that neither version that I’ve heard of The discussion of particle and quantum the rooster story contains any dialog from physics was impressive, but I can’t add any- members of the Home Guard. They were by thing to it. I’m a microbiologist, not a physi- repute, however, hard bitten, and their words cist. It was all that I could do to pass the would likely have been less genteel than required physics courses at Michigan State, those that Mr. Major suggested. and the field has advanced tremendously It was fascinating to read Dave Rowe’s since the mid ‘70s. If I’d had to pass a test on thoughts on Serpent Mound. For a series of the Higgs boson, I’d likely be a dishwasher short stories in progress, I’ve been reading a today. number of books on the Mound Builders, and I look forward to TRF #77, and hope to I recently made a trip to Chillicothe, Ohio, to have something ready for you in time for it. visit the publicly accessible sites at the Hopewell Culture National Historical Park. I Best wishes, didn't manage to make it to Serpent Mound, but I hope to next trip, along with Fort Al Byrd Ancient and Sunwatch Village. In any case, [[I was rather surprised myself when I got it’s come to me that it would fit right in to the next issue out as soon as I did. That Kentuckiana for me to do a couple of articles scared me: I didn’t want to make it a habit.//

44 After reading your comments and that of oth- she feels is well worth reading.//With all ers, I think I shall have to break down and those wild, esoteric theories around I’m glad read some of Robinson's novels.//I thought I never had the desire to become a physicist. Kurt did a remarkable job (as always) with My brain is just not capable of comprehend- the illos. *elson’s target size (as well as his ing and retaining such complex concepts.]] ego and arrogance) might have been large but his tact, good sense, and thoughts of the From: Joseph T. Major possible consequences of his words and 1409 Christy Avenue actions seem to have been rather small. If Louisville, KY 40204-2040 only he hadn’t had such a huge ego and lack of consideration for others, he wouldn’t have August 24, 2010 died when he did and General Davis’ mili- tary career wouldn’t have suffered.//That Dear Tom: seems to be the way with technology: add a lot of bells, whistles, and other useless shiny That Crazy Buck Rogers Stuff II: You realize bits and— voila! Awe the consumer. And that there must be giant chunks of tungsten pocket his/her money. There are many fea- floating around in oh say the Asteroid Belt. If tures of MS Works I don’t need, don't use, there isn’t the ruins of an ancient civilization and probably never will. In fact, more often out there, at least we’ve got the promise of than not, I save my written files in rich text asteroid miners. format because it can be read by most if not The Old Kit Bag: Bob has, perhaps wit- all word processors. Sometimes the simple tingly, pointed out one of the flaws in the things are the best.// Yeah, Detroit and its book: “[To] judge his 17th century behavior suburbs and associated cities could harbor a by 20th century standards (which are no dif- great many such places as that bookstore ferent from 30th century standards).” Why which would go unnoticed unless one knew should that be the case? about them.// “. . . less genteel . . .” That’s a When I reviewed the book I drew the par- delicate way to put it. Lewd, obscene, and allel with “A Blackadder Christmas Carol”. nasty would have been more like it. After all, Blackadder, in this story a very proper Victo- it was a time of war and as the saying goes, rian gentleman, is given two different visions “All’s fair in love and war.//As readers will of the future, in which he and his cringing have discovered, the first of your Mound flunky Baldrick are the commander of the Builders articles is in this issue. // It may be forces of a Galactic Empire and his cringing that kudzu is becoming more hardy than it flunky. Would he be able to comprehend already is (if that’s possible). I wonder how it this? And so with Galileo, even though he might do in cooler or colder climates. As presumably was more aware of the possibili- much as it has spread in the South, it doesn’t ty of change than Ebenezer Blackadder need to go further. Although it apparently would be. has.//One of the major drawbacks to electron- LOCs: John Purcell: When you cite ic publishing will be the explosive prolifera- Lewis Black holding up a communicator, tion of written material available, particular- also known as a cell phone, you run into the ly fiction, and much of it bound to be any- latest iteration of, “All right, what are you sci- where from poor to execrable and should nev- fi people going to write about now that X has er have been written in the first place much happened?” First off it was atom bombs, then less published. With fiction especially, a seri- the moon landing, and now cell phones. ous reader with good standards will have to Some people could type at night, so in look long and hard before finding what he or theory manual typewriters wouldn’t even

45 need that extra bit of technology, at least as for them because he blew himself up along long as editing and eventual reading could be with the ex-daughter-in-law, daughter, and handled at a later remove. Ever read “Xong granddaughter (same person) of the victims of Xuxan”? It’s a post disaster story done as — and her children.) the diary of a woman writing on a typewriter Alexis Gilliland: “[Shakespeare’s] miss- with one jammed key. ing plays probably enhance his reputation by Me: Forrest J Ackerman once described their absence.” One exception: “Cardenio”. trying to get Burroughs to autograph a copy “Cardenio” was apparently based on a chap- of A Princess of Mars as “Normal Bean”. He ter in Don Quixote. If we had the script, we tried three times and each time ERB would could definitely demonstrate this, and then it get distracted and autograph it “Edgar Rice would be a little hard to claim that Marlowe Burroughs”. Where was he doing this? or Oxford had written the plays of Shake- The original editor who ran “Under the speare, since both of them had died before Moons of Mars” (the serialization title of A Don Quixote was published in Spanish, much Princess of Mars) less translated into corrected the English. “error” and pub- Robert lished it as by Kennedy: You “Norman Bean”. If have nothing to Sean Bean plays fear. Should you Boromir (and ever come to Sharpe) can Nor- Louisville, you man Bean play would be heartily Denethor? welcomed and you Robert Licht- could make all the man: Those $0.00 comments you bills are the result of calculating fees to five liked about the disgraceful look inside our places and rounding them to two places when house with all the books and other items bills are printed. piled everywhere, not to mention Grant’s As for your problems with getting DSL, elaborate computer network system. Then do you have cable TV? Your cable TV we’d take you out to dinner at Lynn’s Par- provider may offer internet connections. We adise Café. will have to bring Grant. Brad Foster reply: “It would be nice to Namarie, make it to 100 issues but even if I got to that Joseph T Major point I’d probably have only one loc in the letters column. Everyone else would proba- [[*ot just chunks of tungsten, of course, but bly have decided they had much better things a variety of other valuable minerals and to do.” Now surely you’d have both Lisa and material. I’m not too sure about the ruins of me. an ancient civilization though. So far, that’s Milt Stevens: Linus Pauling had a lot of been only the subject of fiction. The one big trouble. Such as with Vitamin C; nutrition drawback to asteroid mining is the large dis- was not in his field of expertise. At least he tances involved in transporting the materials didn’t have a son like his colleague Dr. Fred to Earth. Of course there is the fact the trans- Klenner did. (Frederick Klenner, Jr. was a ports would be going into the gravity well notorious survivalist and the principal sus- rather than going the other way. We all know pect in five murders, who never got to trial there have been stories written about aster

46 oid mining. How close reality will come to the last name of Sadler is associated with the those stories is anyone’s guess. Um . . . Bard of Avon. There is some evidence for would 30th century standards really be “no that claim. It has also been claimed Shake- different”?// I don't know why but somehow speare’s children, Judith and Hamnet, were your third paragraph confused me. Perhaps named after a married couple, friends of the a senior moment on my part?//The next para- Bard, with the last name of Sadler. And, for graph has me wondering the same thing. And what it’s worth, a Hamnet Sadler is even men- how accurate will they be?//Sure. As long as tioned in Shakespeare’s will. Connection to there was sufficient light. A bright, moonlit me? Likely none at all.]] night would serve. Or being safely close to a large bonfire. The typist wouldn’t want to From: Jerry Kaufman immolate him/herself while typing. A large August 28, 2010 number of torches, candles, or oil lamps would also work. Anyone with any good Your front cover was a clever and touch- sense would do the subsequent editing and ing tribute to Terry Jeeves. Very nice work. reading during the daytime. *o, I haven’t Bob Sabella’s column covered one of read the story you mention. *or even heard my favorite current writers, although I’ve cer- of it. That shows how much fiction is out tainly not read all of Robinson’s work. I there.//I dunno. When was he doing that? haven’t yet read anything newer than Years Isn’t that just like some editors to “correct” of Rice and Salt. Robinson's “California” tril- something without, apparently, first consult- ogy (or “Orange County” trilogy, as I’ve seen ing the author? I hope people will realize it referred to) particularly intrigued me that last sentence was purely rhetorical.// because it used the same cast of characters Well maybe if I were lucky you and Lisa and locations in each book, but put them into might find the time to LoC, assuming there such different futures. Thanks to Bob for was anything worth commenting on. At this strengthening my resolve to read more Robin- point, however, even at issue #77 I still have son, including Bob’s main focus, Galileo’s 23 issues to go. If I were able to keep up a Dream. more-or-less bi-monthly schedule that would I sometimes think that Sheryl Birkhead take me to late 2014. By then I’d be 68 going is right regarding the title of her piece—how on 69—provided I live so long or feel like does one person have so many problems with being publisher of the only paper and ink such a wide range of technology as she does? fanzine or am still able to produce written It makes for entertaining, if alarming, reading material worth reading (as if it is now) and for the rest of us. And we all feel lucky— my “regulars” keep sending me things.// we’ve all had some sort of problem with our Regarding your comment to Alexis G., I sup- cable service, our plumbing, our computers, pose that until time travel becomes a reali- our sewers—but seldom so bad, so continu- ty—if it ever does—there will always be those ously, as Sheryl. There must be a conspiracy. who will claim someone other than Will S. I did not realize your “Fannish Adven- wrote Shakespeare’s plays. Even if they ture” was a reprint until after I read it and watched him doing so. *ow that would be an glanced back at the table of contents. I interesting time travel objective: to go back thought it might be an alternate timeline story and see once and for all who really wrote all in which Lan was still with us, or a story that the plays attributed to Shakespeare, Mar- had simply been in a drawer for a long time. lowe, Oxford, or some pence-a-word hack It had an interesting premise and developed someplace. I wouldn’t mind making such a well, but I got distracted when I noticed that trip especially in view of the fact a man with all the quote marks were backwards.

47 In the letter column, aside from all the ed on computers; she still entranced by the good Gilliland and Foster art (I wonder natural world around her. Maybe she will whether they have ever consider collaborat- answer that.]] ing), I found Dave Rowe on the Serpent Mound and Pamela Boal’s poem most intrigu- From: Milt Stevens ing. Do you think Pamela's comment about computers meant that the poem was comput- September 1, 2010 er-generated? I inferred that was her mean- ing, but wasn’t sure. Dear Tom Yours, In Reluctant Famulus #76 you express Jerry discomfort with the idea of dark matter and dark energy. I share that sentiment. There is [[You’re welcome. I don’t consider myself an something sneaky and possibly sinister about artist by any means but I thought I would see matter and energy that can’t be detected by if I could come up with something as a cover any means. They are obviously up to no for TRF 76. I was still good, and it serves thinking of Terry them right if they Jeeves when inspira- don’t exist. tion (and desperation) Speaking of sci- struck.//Bob seems to ence, a couple of our be pretty good and homeboys came up accurate as a review- with a new wrinkle er and critic and I in SETI. Greg and think his taste and Jim Benford pub- judgment can be trust- lished an article in ed. I wish I had that Astrophysics maga- ability.//Pure reason zine explaining the would claim there is most logical way to no conspiracy against communicate across Sheryl but anyone following her accounts of interstellar distances. This hypothetical sys- all those travails would have to doubt that tem involves what are now known as Benford assessment. Something seems to be out to get Beacons. If someone actually discovers one her.//The quote marks were backward! That of these beacons, the Benford Boys have hit seems to be some quirk of the program I use it big in the world of the macrocosmic. for the fanzine. Drat. I thought I caught all of Before reading Bob Sabella’s article, I them. I have a knack for still missing things didn?t know that Kim Stanley Robinson has like that. I hope the quotation marks are all been an English major. I don’t feel there is correct in this issue. I’ve tried my damndest any definite division between literary fiction to avoid it this time. But watch: someone will and pulp fiction. Philip K. Dick with his dubi- go hunting for backward quotation marks . . . ous grasp on reality makes an excellent sub- //As for a Gilliland and Foster collabora- ject for a dissertation. I’ve read some Kim tion—you'd have to ask them that. The result Stanley Robinson?s fiction, but I haven’t would be interesting to see.//In regard to read the Mars novels. They are just so bleep- Pamela’s poem: my personal interpretation ing thick that I feel tired even looking at was the computers and the internet have them. I have read the novella version of come between her and her beloved. He fixat “Green Mars” (which I liked) and The Year

48 of Rice and Salt (which didn’t do anything had a dubious grasp on reality but in my hum- for me). I’m really not likely to read any ble opinion he wrote some darn good, inter- more of Robinson’s fiction unless it is nomi- esting fiction. You “. . . feel tired tired even nated for a Hugo. looking at them.” Maybe I ought to reconsid- Why would God try to annoy himself? er getting them to read.//Oh yeah, the old You might just as well ask why God would God creating a rock so heavy even He try to create a rock so heavy he couldn’t lift couldn’t lift it. I haven’t heard that one in a it. With the rock, it is possible he needed a long time, relatively speaking. *ot to seem cosmic paperweight or that he needed the disrespectful but if God did and does such exercise. He might want to annoy himself so things as deliberately creating things to he could better understand his creations. Else- annoy himself or which are too large for Him where, He may have created universes that to lift He doesn’t appear to be a very rational are totally annoying. He probably could have and sensible Deity. But then again I’m only observed that was a bad idea. In order to an insignificant one of His creations. I’d bet- avoid creating other universes that were total- ter watch it: this is getting terribly close to ly annoying, He realized he had to under- theology. But that was an interesting and fun stand just what annoying really was. (?!) paragraph. You’re a deep thinker Somehow, I had remembered the guy indeed. I’d have thought just observing the who had thought of self replicating machines Human race God would get a very good idea as Von Nauman and the guy who developed of what annoying is. I know I do.//I’m glad to game theory as Von Neumann. I see I was learn I’m not the only one who misremem- mistaken. I’m not sure if my memory is mis- bers or misfiles things. I’m beginning to think filing more things these days or I am just my poor old brain is leaking in my advancing coming across more things my memory had years. At my age that can’t be good.]] misfiled. From: Lloyd Penney Yours truly, 1706-24 Eva Rd. Milt Stevens Etobicoke, ON CANADA M9C 2B2 6325 Keystone St. Simi Valley, CA 93063 September 10, 2010

[[Yeah, dark matter and dark energy must be Dear Tom: up to no good. The sooner they can be found —if they exist—and stopped, the better. But Thank you for the newest issue of The then if they don’t exist they can’t be up to no Reluctant Famulus, number 76. And, well good or naughtiness—or anything else for done on the great Terry Jeeves cover. Well that matter. Maybe if everyone just ignores deserved, and I hope Terry is doing okay them they’ll go away.//Benford Beacons. these days. More comments will follow… Wow. I’d like to know more about those I always am intrigued by science news, things, and shall soon. Our SF guys are good to see what’s happening, what’s being discov- for something—as if there was ever any ered, and what the current speculation is. I doubt. From one Alabama-born guy to two just wish the news media would try to make others, way to go.//Don’t hold Robinson’s this kind of news exciting. They teach, unfor- English major against him. He has managed tunately, that anyone who is interested in this to overcome that handicap. [Another joke, kind of thing is an egghead to be laughed at. folks. Only a joke.] Philip K. Dick may have Therefore, to be cool, stay away from sci

49 ence, literature, anything that might brand backs, so I will be back. you as intelligent, and therefore uncool. There’s I don’t know how many differ- I agree with Bob Sabella, the Kim Stan- ent e-book readers available these days, and ley Robinson Mars series was a great read. I to read what’s available electronically, I’d was able to read all three books one after the need three or four of them. I will keep track other, which I think enhanced the read, and of these readers, but I don’t think I’ll pur- the companion book, The Martians, filled in chase one until there’s a model that can read some of the gaps. One of the best series of all all formats. time? Why not? Any series that holds our We’re looking for the God particle, and attention from beginning to end deserves suspecting there may be a Satan particle . . . such praise. I think we should be looking for a Murphy I don’t know about those particle. Once we find that, I crazy Canadians . . . I might think all our other questions know some of them, but I will be answered. rarely party with them. See- My loc . . . will StarShip- ing this happened in Lewis- Sofa, a podcast, win the Best ton, New York, I dare say Fanzine Hugo? Yes, it did. It that some crazy Americans won the same way Electric may have led those crazy Velocipede did, it asked its Canadians astray. vast membership to nominate Yvonne had to buy a and vote for it, and it did. I new laptop for her law clerk was nominated for Best Fan courses she’s taking, so I Writer, and of the five nomi- have inherited her clunky old nees, I placed . . . fifth. And, Compaq Armada laptop, which I may have to as I expected, Fred Pohl was Best Fan Writ- use, seeing it looks like out desktop computer er. Oh, well, let’s see what happens next may need some attention. (It just gave up the year. We plan to be in Reno, and as far as ghost, so this is being composed on the Arma- Chicago goes in 2012, no decisions yet. da.) Once the desktop is fixed, the Armada Kudzu in Canada? Yes, actually. I think will need a new battery. The more complex some kudzu has made it up to Manitoba or the thing is, the more likely it will break Saskatchewan. I’d agree with a Hugo for fan down. Then, the software…even the inexpen- audio/video presentations, but asking that sive laptops are not inexpensive, and same only fanzines or .pdf or website versions be goes with the software. I have an old version eligible may be seen as a specialty group of QuarkXPress, plus the software for Adobe demanding special treatment. Creative Suite 2 . . . how on earth do you Thank you again, Tom, had a good read keep up? I don’t even try any more. here. I will try for a better loc next time, and Used book stores are part of my past, I will look forward to that time. and an experience I’ve always enjoyed. A Yours, Lloyd Penney short time ago, I rediscovered a used book store close to me . . . hadn’t been there in [[Sadly, the last I heard his health was no bet- years. The usual rows upon rows of books, ter. On a brighter note he is still with us.//I the musty smell, the elderly proprietor hiding readily admit I'm far from being an behind a mountain of books yet to be filed “egghead” but that hasn't kept me from being away. The deal is 60% to 90% off everything interested in science, litera-ture, and so on . . . the proprietor wants to retire. Just over and I’ve never been cool, never much cared $30 got me a big bag of good-quality paper that I wasn't, and pretty much happy with the

50 fact. And another thing which makes me even feelings. But I’m just an old geezer stuck in more uncool is that I have no interest in time, I suppose, a hopeless case.//Since the sports and can find other, better, ways of universe does seem to have a certain balance spending my time///*ow there’s a real con- and duality there well may be a Satan parti- trast between you and Milt Stevens in regard cle. But a Murphy particle! Given the nature to the Mars books. To each his/her own, and of Murphy's law, even is such a particle exist- that’s how it should be.//I wouldn’t be a bit ed scientists would either never find it owing surprised if some crazy American (and we to equipment failures, interference of some have a large share of those) were involved in kind, or else it will be in plain sight disguised some way. They just didn’t get caught, proba- as something else. But if a Murphy Particle bly having passed out in some hard to find ever was found that still might not answer all location. But shame on the crazy Canadians the questions scientists have.//Well Fred Pohl for allowing themselves to be so easily led started out as a fan, admittedly one with pro- astray. At least in your case (and I’m assum- fessional goals.]] ing you still do) the worst that can be said of you is that you wear those wild Hawaiian shirts. *othing really crazy about that.//I From: Dave Rowe would hope anyone with any sense wouldn’t 8288 W Shelby State Road 44 even try to keep up with computer technolo- Franklin, IN46131-9211 gy. It’s much too expensive for one thing, and 2010-September-10 there are often too many frills for the aver- age person to need or use.I know of one man Dear Tom, who produces an online geneology newsletter who, so he has written got his start in and Once again, thanks for TRF. worked on and with computers as his main Actually the idea that Dark Matter occupation until, it seems, he became a pro- doesn’t really exist has been around for some- fessional geneaolgist. If there’s anyone who time altho’ only around 5% of professional obsessively keeps up with the latest thing in astronomers and astrophysicists subscribe to computers it’s him. He’s frequently writing the idea. The main counter theory is called about and gushing over the new products MOND for Modified Newtonian Dynamics. which come out and just has to have whatev- Simply put, Newton’s Laws work out er it is. He does so with such enthusiasm and great until they reach the edges of the galaxy. passion that I occasionally has orgasms over For instance, due to Newtonian Dynamics the technology. But I digress.//Used book astronomers knew that there had to be some- stores are still in my present—whenever I thing within the solar system beyond Nep- can get to them—but I also purchase hard- tune and when Clyde Tombaugh discovered back “remaindered” books online because Pluto it was known there still had to be some- it’s much more convenient to have them sent thing more out there. Pluto simply wasn’t big to me and I intend to keep them, at least for enough. And so Newton holds his own until as long as I’m still alive. After I’m gone . . . the ends of a galaxy’s spiral arms where the When that happens I won’t be in any position stars at the tip should be shot off into deep to care what happens to them. But I enjoy the space like sparks from a pinwheel (British musty smell of old books and book stores, sell- Commonwealth readers should read that as a ers—well maybe not them— as do you. Catherine Wheel) but the stars belligerently That’s some-thing one can’t experience in a stay in place so the theory accepted by 95% place filled with e-readers. Plastic just of the field is Dark Matter. Being a particle doesn’t leave one with the same pleasurable so small we haven’t found it yet but whose 51 numbers makes up 75% of the universe and Library of Congress, tho’. its gravity keeps the end-stars herded in the Personally think that Al’s article on Bull galactic corral. Nelson was the best so far of his Kentuckians To which the MOND supporters retort columns and Kurt’s illos even more so. that if Newton’s Dynamics are not constant Kurt's work is at a professional level but still as he said but lose just a little of their oomph retains the offbeat humor that makes it so fan- over time and space (and it only has to be nish. about one-billionth of an oomph) then there Not forgetting Brad Foster, of course. is no need for dark matter. Never do that, if only that that is excuse to And the Stonehenge as an astronomical say Happy New Hugo, Brad. calculator idea that you mentioned comes Not a bad cover by yourself either. from Astronomer Gerald S. Hawkin’s 1963 Again, Tom, Thanks. book Stonehenge Decoded. The idea that the henge was a “calen- dar” was not new but Hawking did the math and the geome- [[I know there is try and the calculus some doubt about and realized you the existence of could use Stone- dark matter in the henge to compute universe and the solar eclipses. Giv- fact that we can’t en what we now see it or, at the pre- know about Stone- sent,detect it in any henge and other way doesn’t help places like Chicken matters much ei- Itza, it’s only fair to ther. For most peo- say our ancient ancestors were far more intel- ple matter is something they can see, ligent than we every gave the old boys and touch,or hold in their hands, something solid girls credit for. and substantial. Such perceptions may be With regard to past waters on Mars it merely illusions of the mind but to most they should be noted that it was at best very shal- seem very real. Still, according to those statis- low seas and never any oceans. tics 95% of astronomers and astrophysicists As you note the Naval Research Labora- believe dark matter does exist. One would tory in Washington, D.C. has a functioning think there is something to it then. Interest- robot called Isaac. Honda also has a function- ing. I have never heard of MO*D. It must be ing robot, called Asimo. something not too many people believe in, as For a look at the Japanese moon base those statistics show. So since *ewton’s laws robots go to http://news.cnet.com/8301- appear not to apply beyond a certain dis- 17938_105-20006075-1.html tance, out at the edges of spiral galaxies, Al Byrd’s mention of the nasty, evil there must be something like dark matter to British sacking Washington, D.C. and burn- explain why those laws don’t. If dark matter ing the White House brings to mind that very consists of particles that small, maybe it few people tell why it happened (or even doesn’t really exist after all. I think I prefer know why it happened). It was in retaliation the MO*D supporters’ counterargument. for the nasty, evil Americans sacking and Why solve a problem with large amounts of burning York which was the capital of what something so small we can’t find it and possi- was to become Canada. Sorry about the bly never will. But I’m no astro-physicist and

52 am more likely to be wrong about that. I sus- Scottish scientists brew up whisky biofuel pect that if it exists it won’t be found in my lifetime. Darn it.//I already knew the idea of Scientists in Scotland have unveiled a Stonehenge and other such sites being astro- new biofuel made from whisky by-products nomical calculators had been around a while that they say can power ordinary cars more (I don’t dare say a “long” time), several efficiently than ethanol. decades at least. From my reading of history A research team from Edinburgh's Napi- and from other sources I’ve come to know er University spent two years creating the bio- and understand our ancient ancestors fuel butanol that can be used in gas tanks weren’t as lacking in intelligence and techno- either as a stand-alone fuel or blended with logical skill as a great many people believe. petrol or diesel. It is derived from distillation Just looking at the pyramids, Aztec temples, by-products pot ale (liquid from copper stills) those Greek and Roman ruins, and so on and draff (the spent grains). The method is should be proof enough. But too many people based on an old process developed to pro- are so sure our ancestors way back then duce butanol and acetone by fermenting sug- were not very smart and couldn’t possibly ar. have been capable of constructing the things Is this the answer for critics of corn- they did. Instead, those doubters decided based, energy-intensive ethanol? space aliens had to have come to Earth and “While some energy companies are grow- helped out our ancestors. In some ways, a sil- ing crops specifically to generate biofuel, we ly and fanciful notion.//I don’t believe any of are investigating excess materials such as those astronomers have ever claimed Mars whisky by-products to develop them,” Profes- ever had anything like the oceans on Earth. sor Martin Tangey, director of Napier's Biofu- But even having had shallow seas way back el Research Center told the Financial Times. when is more than not having any water at “This is a more environmentally sustain- all and could explain the difficulty of estab- able option and potentially offers new rev- lishing the presence of water on Mars in its enue on the back of one of Scotland's biggest past.//The Honda robot has been promoted industries.” so much that it didn’t seem necessary to men- Global exports of Scotch whisky rose to tion it. The other ro- bots in development are a record $4.85 billion last year. Exports of variations on and improvements over the Scotch have risen about 45 percent in the Honda one.]] past 10 years. The biofuel project cost about $400,000 and was funded by the Scottish Enterprise Proof of Concept Programme. It is no joke, although the blogosphere is overflowing with the descriptions such as: “Whisky to go?” and “One for the road?” The group has filed for a patent and plans to open a commercial venture to market the product. Copyright 2010 Reuters. *ow if the developers could only find a way to power vehicles with actual Scotch And that’s it for the letters. But before I whisky both driver and car could be properly close, here is an interesting bit of news to fueled. On second thought, maybe the driver lighten your day. Maybe. should’t run on scotch as well.

53 In Memoriam

The Centennial of the death of Samuel L. Clemens a k a Mark Twain

November 30, 1835—April 21, 1910