OUR CHILDREN:

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR FAMILIES OF , , BISEXUAL, , GENDER-EXPANSIVE AND YOUTH AND ADULTS If you or a loved one needs immediate assistance, please turn to the inside back cover for a list of crisis helplines, contact us at [email protected], visit our website at pflag.org, or call (202) 467-8180 to find the PFLAG chapter nearest you. ABOUT PFLAG

Founded in 1972 with the simple act of a mother publicly supporting her gay son, PFLAG is the extended family of the LGBTQ community. Made up of families and allies united with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ), PFLAG is committed to advancing equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy. PFLAG has more than 400 chapters and 200,000 members and supporters crossing multiple generations of American families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico. This vast grassroots network is cultivated, resourced, and supported by the PFLAG National office (located in Washington, DC), the National Board of Directors, the Regional Directors Council, and our many advisory councils and boards. PFLAG is a nonprofit organization not affiliated with any political or religious institution.

Our Vision. PFLAG envisions a world where diversity is celebrated and all people are respected, valued, and affirmed inclusive of their sexual orientation, , and gender expression.

Our Mission. By meeting people where they are and collaborating with others, PFLAG realizes its vision through:

• Support for families, allies and people who are LGBTQ • Education for ourselves and others about the unique issues and challenges facing people who are LGBTQ • Advocacy in our communities to change attitudes and create policies and laws that achieve full equality for people who are LGBTQ

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 1 About this publication: This guide focuses on providing support for parents, caregivers, families and friends of people who are LGBTQ, with an emphasis on sexual orientation and gender expression. For detailed information specific to gender identity and people who are transgender, please visit pflag.org/ourtranslovedones to download a free copy of Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People Who Are Transgender and Gender Expansive.

Our experiences, expertise, knowledge, and resources are always evolving and, therefore, we encourage you to visit our website (pflag.org), as well as check with medical, behavioral health, social services, and other professional providers, or local support groups—including PFLAG chapters—for the most up-to-date information on LGBTQ experiences.

Our Children: Questions and Answers for Families of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Gender-Expansive and Queer Youth and Adults is copyrighted. For reprint permission, please contact the PFLAG National office, [email protected], (202) 467-8180.

To order this publication, receive a complete listing of PFLAG publications, or obtain information about a PFLAG chapter in your area, visit our website at pflag.org.

Written By: Copy Editor: Kathy Godwin Liz Owen Joellen Shiffman Kay Holladay Dawn Holt Jody Huckaby Edited By: Content Review Elizabeth Kohm Team: Liz Owen Jean-Marie Navetta Elizabeth Kohm Conal Charles Elijah Perry Jamie Curtis

Acknowledgments: Thank you to the Williams Institute, williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/, for doing the important work of measuring progress and challenges in the LGBTQ community. And thank you to Dr. Caitlyn Ryan and the researchers at the Family Acceptance Project, familyproject.sfsu.edu, for quantifying what family acceptance looks like. Most of all, thank you to the families and allies who have shown us all how to react and respond with love for over 40 years.

All Rights Reserved, ©2016 PFLAG National, Inc.

2 Our Children PFLAG.ORG TABLE OF CONTENTS

About PFLAG...... 1

About this publication ...... 2

We’re Glad You Found PFLAG!...... 4

Frequently Asked Questions ...... 9

Next Steps...... 15

Expert Opinions...... 17

First-Person Stories...... 22

PFLAG National Glossary of Terms...... 26

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 3 WE’RE GLAD YOU FOUND PFLAG!

You’re likely reading this publication because your child (or a loved one—we’ll use both terms throughout, interchangeably) has come out to you, that is, they’ve shared with you that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ). Some parents and caregivers are surprised to learn this information from their child; others are both surprised and ill-prepared to hear about it from a friend, school counselor, neighbor, or online social networking site. And still others may already have an inkling that their child might be LGBTQ but aren’t sure when, how, or if they should address it.

We believe we know our children Remember, this is not an end to better than anyone, so when a child your dreams for your child or or a loved one comes out (reveals loved one, nor is it the end of your themselves to be LGBTQ) and we relationship. On the contrary, hadn’t a clue—or we knew but either your relationship can become denied it to ourselves or patiently even stronger, because you know waited for them to share the more about them now than you information in their own time—it did before. In fact, it is a likely sign can make us feel like we didn’t know that your child trusts you: If they them as well as we thought are telling you, they are making a we did…or at all. choice to share this most personal information about themselves. Everyone has a vision or dream for their child’s future, born of Reactions vary, from “Now that many things including personal I know, what can I do to support experiences, family history, cultural my child?” to “How will I ever or societal expectations, and more. handle this?” For some people, When presented with your child’s it’s a combination of these two disclosure or coming out, it may be reactions…and more. There is no an adjustment to understand and doubt that people have different and realize that this future might now potentially complex responses and differ from that vision or dream. feelings to a loved one coming out,

4 Our Children PFLAG.ORG but this is absolutely normal, given identified LGB people in the that you are receiving news that the U.S., and approximately 1.4 path you and your loved one are million adults who identify as now on is potentially different and transgender. Other research unknown from one you expected or shows that eight in ten people for which you had prepared. in the U.S. personally know someone who is LGB, and one Whatever your reaction, both in three people know someone PFLAG National and our network who is transgender. In other of PFLAG chapters across the words, although it may not country are here to provide the appear so, there are LGBTQ information you need to understand people everywhere, and there your reaction to the news and your are supportive families and allies child’s sexual orientation and/or everywhere, too. You are not gender identity, and to respond in alone in this process. a way that is supportive and loving. Your reaction is valid. Our members—parents, caregivers, • family members, allies, and LGBTQ There is no one way to react to people themselves—reside in learning that your child or a communities in every state across loved one is LGBTQ. Some feel the country, and represent a wide happy that their child opened array of political, religious, and up to them, others feel relief cultural perspectives. Simply put: that they know more about We either have been, or are, exactly their child and can help them where you are now. navigate the world with this information to guide them, Before we delve more deeply into the while others feel joy that their issues, here are a few things to keep child is confident in their in mind: self-awareness. Others may have more difficult or complex • You’re not alone. Every emotions, feeling fear for their day, for more than 40 years, loved one’s safety, guilt thinking people have turned to PFLAG they may have somehow caused looking for support, resources, their loved one to be LGBTQ, and answers to their questions. sadness that they did not There are more than 400 know without being told, or PFLAG chapters across the anger that their child did not country full of people just tell them sooner. These are like you. According to the all normal feelings…and you Williams Institute, an LGBTQ may experience some or all research think tank, there are of them simultaneously! more than eight million self-

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 5 • You’re on a journey. The have information and resources path has not only been walked at your fingertips—like those by others before you, there are offered atpflag.org —right others traveling the same road, when you need them. This is right now, having a similar especially true if your emotions experience in their own family. are less positive, as you’ll need Like every journey, this one a safe place to work through will have its twists and turns, those feelings. PFLAG meetings but know that many families are a great and confidential way before you have taken the to find people who have gone same path. Addressing your through similar experiences, reaction, responding to your and those in attendance and child, learning about LGBTQ leading the meetings can point issues, sharing this information you towards crucial resources with your family and friends, such as books to read, all of these things take time. telephone helplines to call, Know that it is okay to be okay websites to visit, movies to immediately, or okay not to watch, and more. You can find be okay overnight. Take the a chapter near you by visiting time you need to explore your pflag.org/findachapter. Many feelings. You can emerge from local members and chapters can this period with a stronger also be found through social relationship with your child media, especially Facebook. than you’ve ever had before, and Alternatively, you can contact us arrive in a place that is better at [email protected], via Facebook than where you started: Closer at facebook.com/pflag, or via to your child, closer to your Twitter at twitter.com/pflag so family, and perhaps closer to a that we can connect you with vibrant community you might other PFLAGers for support. never have known existed. • You’re important. Self-care is The Basics: Sexual crucial, which means that even Orientation, Gender as you are learning how best to Expression, and Gender support your child or loved one, Identity you must also find support for YOU! Whether you feel isolated What is sexual orientation? What is or nervous—or interested and gender expression? What is gender excited to connect with other identity? And how are they all related? families—it’s important not We know this can be confusing, so only to find and talk to people let’s start at the beginning. who have gone through what When a baby is born—and thanks you’re going through, but to to modern technology, often long 6 Our Children PFLAG.ORG before—a doctor takes a quick look outward sex characteristics don’t at its visible sex organs, and assigns necessarily match their inner sense that baby a sex. From this assigned of themselves. sex, we assume the baby’s gender. (For more definitions of terms, see There are also those who don’t the glossary, starting on p. 26). define themselves specifically as male or female: Perhaps they For the vast majority of people, identify as both, or as neither, but their gender identity—that is, their they don’t necessarily feel that internal sense of being male, female, their internal sense of self is at somewhere in odds with their between, or biological sex. neither—matches “For me, it was my son They may refer the assignment saying to me, ‘Dad, I’m to themselves given to them at the same person I was as genderqueer. birth. For others, before.’ Now it’s been These are just a their gender six months, and I realize few of the terms identity does not used to describe correspond with even more that really, gender identity. that assignment, nothing has changed and those in his life. It was my Everyone individuals often perception of him demonstrates refer to themselves that change.” their gender— as transgender. that is, For those — Anonymous, communicates individuals, there Father of a gay child their gender is a disconnect identity in a between how others perceive manner that is comfortable for them based on outside physical them—through clothing, hairstyles, characteristics and their internal mannerisms, or other outward sense of themselves. presentations or behaviors. That is called gender expression. When one This internal sense of gender identity doesn’t strictly adhere to societal happens at a very young age. Think norms of “masculine” or “feminine” back, for example, to when you first in their gender expression—or their knew yourself to be the gender you gender expression does not coincide are. It is likely that it was so early with their assigned gender—we refer in your development that you may to that as an example of being gender not even remember it. For people expansive, gender nonconforming, or who are transgender, this sense gender creative. (For more on what it of gender identity also happens means to be gender expansive, turn at a very young age. However, it to the expert opinion from Diane becomes more top of mind, as their Ehrensaft on page 17).

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 7 As a child gets older, they will their sexual orientation outside of potentially become aware of feelings the above definitions—just like a of attraction—physical, emotional, non-transgender person can. Also psychological, intellectual, separate and distinct from sexual spiritual— orientation is towards other sexual behavior, people. These “I waited until I was 26 to meaning that multiple admit to myself I might one may identify attractions be gay. I was so ashamed their sexual describe their orientation—or sexual orientation. of it that I buried my to whom they According sexuality down in the are attracted— to research very deepest recesses of one way, but conducted by Dr. my mind and heart.” their behavior Caitlin Ryan of the sometimes — Anonymous, 43, Family Acceptance Seattle, WA may not be in Project, accordance with adolescents said that orientation. they were attracted to another person of the same gender Sexual orientation. Gender identity. at about age 10. Some knew they Gender expression. were gay at age 7 or 9. Overall, they identified as LGB, on average, a little Each one separate, each one distinct, older, at around age 13. and each of us has all of them!

It is important to note that sexual [NOTE: If your loved one has orientation is separate and distinct come out to you as transgender, we from gender identity and gender encourage you to visit our website, expression. In fact, people who pflag.org/ourtranslovedones, are transgender can identify their to download a free copy of our sexual orientation as gay, straight, publication Our Trans Loved Ones, lesbian, bisexual, or queer— which focuses exclusively on how to meaning someone who defines support a transgender loved one.]

8 Our Children PFLAG.ORG FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Why is my child gay The important thing to keep in (or bi or queer…)? mind is that your loved one is When something unexpected the same person they were before happens our first thought is, they came out to you. What has “Why?” Even those families that (perhaps) changed is your perception are completely accepting of their of your loved one, the image you child’s sexual orientation or gender may have had of them, or the identity sometimes wonder, “How understanding you thought you had did this happen?” It is okay to ask of their inner world. For some, this the question, and here is the answer: new unexpected journey or shift of Nothing you or anyone else did perception is an easy transition, while made your child LGBTQ. LGBTQ for others it can be difficult, but know people come from all types of that it can be replaced with a newer families—from faith-based to atheist and more clear understanding. families, conservative to liberal How should I respond? families, families of every ethnicity and every economic background, As much as you are able, lead with with a variety of physical and love. For some, this will be the behavioral abilities. They come natural response. For others, long- from one-parent households, two- held beliefs may get in the way of parent households, households with being able to respond positively and stepparents, and multi-generational supportively. As best as you can, and multi-ethnic families. They however, remember this: No matter live in every kind of community, how easy or difficult learning about large and small. There is no valid your child’s sexual orientation is research from any mainstream or for you, it probably was extremely scientifically sound source that difficult for them to come out to shows that any factors related to how you, given the fears and concerns you raise your child contributes to noted above. And if your child or their sexual orientation or gender loved one was “outed” by someone identity, nor is there any research else, it can make the situation that points conclusively to any one potentially more difficult. genetic or biological “cause.” PFLAG.ORG Our Children 9 It is very likely that your child or the following: Positive, supportive loved one will be worried about responses lead to healthier LGBTQ losing your love. They might be people. What does this mean for worried about your reaction and you? First and foremost, it means response, and may even be worried finding a place for yourself—away about losing their family and their from your child or loved one—to home. Sadly, in too many cases, all share the emotions you are having if of these things have happened and you are concerned that they might continue to happen, with examples have a negative impact. This allows being shared in the media, in your you to be there for your loved one, community, or even previously in as best you can, in a positive and your own family. It is no wonder, supportive way, while at the same then, that many people who are time giving yourself time and space LGBTQ fear to honor your this unknown “I hope one day we no own emotions as response prior to longer have to ‘come you work through coming out. out.’ That it is a non them. PFLAG event. Being gay is no is an essential Although there resource, is no one perfect different than having providing just way to react, your green eyes in my this type of outlet response to your opinion.” for thousands of child, regardless people who are of those feelings, — Josh G., 23, San Antonio, TX right where you will make an are now. And impact on both there are many your child’s wellbeing and your ways to connect: chapters have local relationship with them moving in-person meetings, online groups forward. Therefore, while it is on Facebook, chats via Twitter, sometimes challenging to control telephone helplines, and can be an initial response or feeling, feeling reached via email. To find your local guilty or embarrassed about that chapter, visit pflag.org/findachapter, feeling or response should never or contact the national office at dissuade you from trying again and [email protected] referral doing better; it is possible to change information. course and then determine how you will respond more positively as you Dr. Caitlyn Ryan conducted move forward. research that followed families going through the coming-out If you are not in an immediate place process. The conclusions reached of support and understanding—and from this study highlight the as you work towards getting there— powerful role parents play in their do your best to try and remember LGBTQ child’s health: Certain

10 Our Children PFLAG.ORG response behaviors reduce a child’s take a wide variety of forms, risk for both physical and behavioral from welcoming their LGBTQ health problems. These include: friends into your home, to taking them shopping for that • Speaking with—and just-right piece of clothing listening to—your child they’ve been asking for, to about his or her LGBTQ helping provide access to age- identity. Give your child appropriate resources, such as ample opportunity to open up books and films. Imagine how and share their thoughts and supported your loved one will feelings. Whether they want feel when you speak positively to talk about their hopes for about an LGBTQ character you the future, or a situation that saw on television, or share a happened in school or at work news article on a related issue. that day, the prospect for open Showing an interest in their discussion is endless. If you lives, inclusive of their whole have a sense that your loved selves, is a subtle-but-powerful one might want to talk, but way to show that you care. isn’t doing so on their own, a gentle open-ended question, • Connecting your child with such as, “How did things an LGBTQ role model. If go at school/work/church” you come to support easily, it today, can open the door to may be because your family or dialogue. Don’t push, and social circle already includes really listen when they talk. If people who are openly LGBTQ. you make a misstep in your If this is the case, connecting response—whether accidentally your newly out loved one with using incorrect pronouns (see the other LGBTQ people in “Preferred Gender Pronouns” your life—or other positive in the glossary at the end of this LGBTQ role models found publication) or asking a too- through friends or behavioral personal question—apologize; health professionals—offers no one is perfect. It is in making the opportunity to see not the attempt that you show your only that you are comfortable love and support. connecting with and being close to people who are LGBTQ (a • Supporting your child’s subtle message of support), but LGBTQ identity, including also gives youth the chance to their gender expression, see people who are LGBTQ even though you may feel living their lives positively, uncomfortable. Despite with friends and family who your potential discomfort, love them. Showing a young your LGBTQ loved one needs LGBTQ person that the positive your support. This support can PFLAG.ORG Our Children 11 possibilities for their future calling, or kicking them out of the are endless, offers hope and house are the most obvious to avoid support in a significant and (although it is worth noting that impactful way, and directly there are many now-supportive positively affects their health parents and caretakers whose and wellbeing. journeys started with one of these reactions, and they came not only • Expressing your unconditional love for your to a place of understanding and child. Saying “I love you” is, support, but were able to make of course, one obvious way to amends to their LGBTQ loved ones express your love for your child. and move forward from there). But But it is true that actions speak even the most well-meaning person louder than words, and taking can act in ways that are subtly any—or all—of the steps above unsupportive or negative, whether will help ensure your child that it’s blocking access to LGBTQ they have your love and support friends, events or resources, making no matter what. And if you your child keep their LGBTQ find yourself at a loss for words, identity a secret and not letting sometimes a simple hug can be them talk about it, or pressuring the best response. your child to conform to more stereotypical gender expression Can my negative feelings or or behavior. responses harm my loved one? There are also subtle communications Dr. Ryan’s research has shown that that can hurt a loved one who is LGBTQ youth are: LGBTQ, whether it’s making or • Nearly six times as likely to sharing a joke that seems innocuous report high levels of depression to you, disparaging openly LGBTQ people you see in the media, or even • More than eight times as likely telling an LGBTQ loved one that they to have attempted suicide are being too sensitive when you do • More than three times as likely one of the above. It may take time to to use illegal drugs, and break some old habits, but making your best effort—acknowledging • More than three times as likely and apologizing for unintentional to be at high risk for HIV and missteps—is a real demonstration sexually transmitted diseases of love and thoughtfulness. These are staggering statistics—but Try to express your fear, worry, they can be mitigated by your actions. anger, or any other feelings of Of course, overt negative actions distress away from your child. such as hitting your child, name- Remember, it is never too late to

12 Our Children PFLAG.ORG respond with love and support. How can I keep my child safe? Some parents come to a place of They say “Home is where the heart support and understanding early, is,” and never is that more true—or and for others it takes time. The necessary—than for a person who important thing is that you are has just come out. If possible, home working towards understanding. should be a safe haven for your child or loved one, a place for them to My child is very young, but bring their whole authentic selves, likes playing with toys and to bring concerns and worries, and dressing in clothes I usually where YOU are their safe place to think of as being for a land. This may mean listening to different gender. What does your child or loved one talk about this mean? someone to whom they are attracted It may mean they or on whom they are LGBTQ… have a crush. “We laughed, we cried, or it may not. It Perhaps it means may mean that we hugged and life has sharing affirming your child is never skipped a beat. television, simply creatively Andrew is the same movies, and exploring different wonderful, loveable literature between you, or, for ways of playing son that he was the and expressing gender-creative moment before he told who they are…or it kids, allowing may not. Do your us he was gay and our them to explore best to allow your relationship as a family the full range of child this time of is stronger than ever.” that creativity, exploration, and whether through leave the door open — Susan H., 59, Sedona, AZ clothes, toys, or for positive, honest even a change conversation; by of name if that’s doing so, it is more likely they will where they are leading you. Of continue to communicate with course, it is possible you will still you as they begin to understand have conflicting feelings. These themselves more clearly, regardless feelings should be shared, as much of what they come to understand as possible, away from your child; about themselves. (For more this is exactly what PFLAG is here information on what it means to for, whether you attend an in- be—and to support someone who person meeting or connect with is—gender expansive, turn to the other PFLAGers online or by expert opinions, beginning on page phone. Remember to visit 17). pflag.org/findachapter to connect with a local chapter.

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 13 Your worries for your loved one’s Concerns abound for many parents, safety outside of the home are a very caregivers, and loved ones, whether real, very valid source of concern. it’s safety in school, workplace safety Those worries might make you feel and discrimination, or supporting a that the best way to protect your loved one in a faith community, or loved one is to have them hide their keeping LGBTQ loved ones safe in sexual orientation, or avoid dressing social situations. PFLAG National in the way that makes them feel offers resources around all of these happiest and most comfortable. issues, and more; visit pflag.org to Every situation is different, and your find the resource that is best for you. intent to protect your child could be received by them as a subtle One of the most important things message that you don’t support you can do to keep your loved one them and who they are. If you live safe is to acknowledge their identity, in a community where coming out and understand that, while a person might not be safe for their physical may choose to change their own well being, have that discussion sexual behavior or gender identity with your loved one and share those or expression, sexual orientation, concerns. Work together to make gender identity, and gender a decision that lets them know you expression cannot be changed support them and love them, and by outside influences, such as want what is best for them and for “reparative” or “conversion” their safety. If together you assess therapy,” which is, in fact, a that it is safe for them to be out dangerous and damaging practice. when outside of the home, then Every major mainstream medical do your best to advocate on their and behavioral health association behalf, whether that means asking agrees that attempting to change others to show respect if you hear one’s sexual orientation or gender them speaking negatively or being at identity does not work and is, in your loved one’s side if they should fact, incredibly harmful, increasing need you. the risk for depression, self-harm, substance abuse, and even death by suicide.

14 Our Children PFLAG.ORG NEXT STEPS

The PFLAG National website, pflag.org, is the go-to hub for information, resources, and support. From there you can:

Contact a PFLAG Chapter. PFLAG chapter by e-mail or phone, There are more than 400 PFLAG or find one of our chapters on social chapters across the country, each of media, primarily on Facebook and which provides peer-to-peer support Twitter. for families, and allies of the LGBTQ community as well as support Read Other PFLAG for LGBTQ people themselves. Publications. PFLAG has This one-to-one connection can additional publications on specific be a crucial part of your journey. issues including Our Trans Loved Through PFLAG Ones, written specifically for you will meet “My mother’s last words people who the loved ones of to me were that of have either gone people who are through what you acceptance and love at a transgender; Be are going through, time I was filled with fear Yourself, which or are currently and hate of the world. My is geared toward going through mother will always have not yet—or newly—out the same thing, the best place in my heart and are ready to LGBTQ youth; for giving me that gift.” share and listen. and a whole host Whether you need — Christopher M., 29, of publications support to move Washington, D.C. from our Straight forward through for EqualityTM difficult feelings project. about your loved one coming out— Do More Research. or are immediately accepting but There need support and education from is a tremendous amount of others about how you can support information available about the your loved one—you will find that LGBTQ community, parents with help through PFLAG. Contact a LGBTQ youth and adult children,

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 15 and anything else you might want for your child is the most important to know. The PFLAG National thing to remember, whether you website—pflag.org—which is full came to PFLAG already affirming, of articles and information on all of strongly in denial, or anywhere in these issues, and more. between. The process of reacting and responding to your child or loved In addition to the PFLAG National one’s sexual orientation or gender website, you can connect with identity disclosure is an opportunity us on social media via Facebook to bring you, your child or loved (facebook.com/pflag), Twitter one, and your family closer. And, (twitter.com/pflag), Instagram if you aren’t at a point where you (instagram.com/pflagnational), can come out loud and proud as the and Pinterest (pinterest.com/pflag). parent, caregiver, or loved one of a person who is LGBTQ, there may very likely come a point where you A final thought… can begin to do so. Be patient with After more than 40 years of working yourself, patient with your loved with families, our experience tells us one, and remember: You always that the unconditional love you have have a home in PFLAG.

16 Our Children PFLAG.ORG EXPERT OPINIONS

Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D., together threads of nature, nurture, Director of Mental Health; and culture to arrive at their own Founding Member, Child and unique gender web, the gender that feels most true and authentic. Their Adolescent Gender Center gender web will be made up of their gender identity—their sense of What’s the first thing a new parent themselves as male, female, or other, typically gets asked about their baby and their gender expressions—the or baby-to-be? clothes they wear, the games they “Boy or girl?” play, the children they play with, and so forth. Like fingerprints, no We are really asking about the baby’s two children’s gender webs will be sex, based on observations of the the same. But unlike fingerprints, a baby’s genitals and assumptions child’s gender web is not indelible. It about the baby’s chromosomes. But can change and flow throughout that nobody yet knows about the baby’s child’s life. gender, who that little person will know themselves to be as male, Most children discover that the female, or other, and how they want gender they know themselves to be to “do” their gender—playing by is a match with the gender assigned their culture’s rules for gender or to them on their birth certificate. making up their own as they go. But a few will let us know that we got it wrong—our youngest cohort When it comes to gender, it is not of transgender people. And many for us to decide, but for the children will be resistant to their culture’s to tell us who they are, if we give rules and regulations for gender, them the chance. And they are now especially if they are rigidly divided telling us, in words and actions, for boys and girls. They may be the that gender does not come in just boy in the pink tutu, the girl who two boxes, male and female, but trades her bikini for her cousin’s in an infinite variety of shapes and swim trunks, the boy in the doll sizes. We can think of it as a web, corner, the girl enthralled by all the with each child, over time, spinning trucks. At the end of the day, we

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 17 hope all these clothes and toys will grow older, they might identify become people things, rather than themselves as agender, or gender designated boy or girl things. In the neutral, or gender queer. meantime, they will remain the tools children may use to tell us who they Each one of these children is are. These are the children we refer exercising their gender creativity, to as our gender nonconforming, and we can think of them as our gender independent, gender gender creative children. In their expansive, gender youngest years, fluid children— adults around accepting “Like fingerprints, no them may make their assigned two children’s gender the mistake of gender identities webs will be the same. saying, ‘Oh, it’s but tweaking But unlike fingerprints, just a phase.” In pediatric their gender a child’s gender web expressions. thinking, a phase is not indelible. It Some may take a almost always short excursion can change and flow means something in living in the throughout that negative—like opposite gender, child’s life.” colic or terrible but not stay there. twos—that, A fair number, to soothe a but not all, will explore their gender parent’s anxiety, is guaranteed to selves on the way to later discovering disappear with time. That is exactly their gay selves. Yet it should always the negative message often sent to be remembered that gender and confused or curious parents when sexual identity are two separate the pediatrician counsels them developmental tracks, not to be about their young child’s gender confused with one another, nonconformity, “It’s just a phase. like railroad tracks—parallel but Your child will outgrow it.” crossing at certain junctures. Indeed, a child may certainly Then there are some young children move on from their present gender who re-arrange both—gender presentation as they spin together identities and gender expressions. their gender web over time. But They refuse to pin themselves down most gender-creative children are as either male or female—maybe not going through a phase, and they are a boy/girl, or a gender parents don’t need reassurance that hybrid, or gender ambidextrous, their child will move away from moving freely between genders, their gender creativity but rather living somewhere in-between, or encouragement and support them creating their own mosaic of gender to help their child stay with it to identity and expressions. As they become the most gender healthy

18 Our Children PFLAG.ORG child they can be—the child who have “blamed” them for their child’s gets to be the gender that is “me” gender nonconformity will need rather than the gender everyone help learning that parents don’t around them might want or expect make their children’s gender, the them to be. children do. Some parents see so much else going on with their child A young gender creative child will that they are stymied—with all need a psychological tool box and that “noise,” how can they even tell some resilience building to meet up if the “gender stuff” is real? That, with the challenges of going against too, is where a gender-sensitive the gender grain in a community mental health professional can be that might not be ready to accept a tremendous support in sorting that child. Parents, siblings, and this out. And all of us will need to other relatives will need professional become allies and advocates for and community support to be the these young children, whether they most accepting family they can be transgender, gender fluid, gender be—that is a major ingredient for queer, agender, and so forth, to children’s gender health. create a social world that reaches toward gender infinity rather than To that end, parents will need shrinking into gender restriction. constant reminders that any who

Lisa Kenney, Executive if this is just a phase, or if there’s Director; Gender Spectrum something more that you need to understand about your child. What do you do when your son announces to you that they are Traditional ideas about clothing, “changing their gender,” uses a term accessories and other expressions you’ve never heard of to describe of gender are changing. This has himself (neutrois, agender, non- always been true as gender norms binary, genderqueer, androgyne…), change over time. However, and when you didn’t know what changes have tended to be he meant, he left the room and slower and more modest. Today’s now won’t speak to you about it? questioning of gender asks that Or perhaps your daughter has many things taken for granted begun wearing what seem to be be given closer examination; men’s clothing, binding her breasts conformity is not a given. So what to appear more flat-chested, and do we do when our child begins to recently asked you not to use express their gender in new ways, or gendered pronouns when referring comes to us and tells us something to ‘her’ anymore, preferring that you new about their gender? use “they”; you’re left wondering

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 19 There is a generational divide in They will be paying particular our understandings of gender. The attention to what you say- and do- two genders, man and woman, that after their disclosure. Be mindful most of us grew up with have given they will be observing you and way to richer, more complex ways of interpreting your actions so be thinking and talking about gender. sure to let them know that you For the first time, polls conducted understand the importance of what with people in their 30s and younger they told you. Communicate your indicate that they see gender as love and respect for them, reassuring a spectrum, rather than a binary them that what they have shared concept with only two pre-assigned doesn’t change that in any way. categories. You’re not alone if you feel a bit out of touch with what’s Listen going on with “You’re not alone if you Resist the urge gender now, or feel a bit out of touch to talk more if new pronouns with what’s going on than listen and gender when your child with gender now, or terms seem like a tells you about foreign language. if new pronouns and their gender. gender terms seem like Sometimes as As you a foreign language.” parents we can already know, fall into the parenting is an trap of thinking improvisation; we know our we figure it out the best we can children better than they know as we go along, and what seems themselves. When they tell us initially difficult and overwhelming something about themselves that ultimately becomes manageable. doesn’t fit the picture we have- or This parenting challenge is no want to have- of our child, we may different in that regard. There are no try to deny it. But listen to what simple, one-size-fits-all answers, but your child is trying to tell you- in all there are strategies you can use as likelihood they had been thinking you find your way with your child. about this for a long time before they decided to share it with you. Reassure Your Child Sharing who we are with another Ask Questions person is an act of trust and love. It Language around gender is evolving also leaves us vulnerable. Your child and the exact same terms can mean took a risk in sharing their gender different things to different people, with you in the hope that you would so it’s important to ask your child see them as they see themself. 20 Our Children PFLAG.ORG what the terms they use mean to Get Support for Yourself them. Asking “What does this word It is incredibly important for you mean to you?” or “What language to have a place that is safe to learn would you like me to use when and explore issues related to gender. referring to your gender?” helps you Connecting with parents who are understand important information going through the same process about your child and how they see can be a lifeline and an invaluable themself, while also letting them resource. Go to a local support know you are curious and wanting group or PFLAG meeting in your to understand who they are. area, or an online parent support group if that’s not possible. Gender Spectrum and other organizations If Needed, Ask Forgiveness offer workshops and conferences for and Try Again parents and other family members If you felt knocked off balance, where you can learn more about confused, afraid or even angry when gender and connect with others. your child shared with you about You’re not alone in this process and their gender, please know you are you’ll gain strength in talking with not alone and that other parents parents from all walks of life who are have felt the same way. If your initial also navigating this journey. response to your child was negative, poorly received, or simply didn’t (This is adapted fromThe sufficiently communicate your love Transgender Teen: A Handbook for and commitment to your child, you Parents and Professionals Supporting can change your approach to one Transgender and Non-Binary Teens that feels better for you and also by Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney.) supports them. It is never too late to make that shift.

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 21 FIRST-PERSON STORIES

Lori Duron, parent of a I’d tell myself to search out resources gender-creative son and get educated. Before C.J., I didn’t even know the differences between When our son, C.J., was a toddler sex, gender and sexuality. This unique and started playing with dolls, parenting journey doesn’t have to wearing dresses and drawing feel lonely; support, information and himself as a girl, my husband and a sense of camaraderie are out there I became consumed with feelings waiting to be found. of confusion, sadness, worry I’d tell myself to and constant “C.J. and our family gather a stellar panic to “figure aren’t weird, we’re supporting cast. We’d be lost out” our son who just different and if without our seemed to be a everybody were the girl at heart. family, friends, same this world would pediatrician, Six years later, be a very boring place. therapist and C.J.’s penchant We paint nails, braid child advocate. for all things hair, tap dance and It takes more than one or pink, glittery and smile big. People like fabulous hasn’t two people to C.J. give the world color. changed; but we healthily launch have—for the We enjoy the rainbow.” a differently better. I wish I gendered child could go back in time, give into adulthood. myself a hug and tell myself that things do, in fact, get better. I’d tell myself to show C.J. examples of other kids like him. Before we I’d tell myself to chill out and give were lucky enough to be a part of a things some time. The only way to gender nonconforming playgroup, tell if something is a phase or has we read lots of books about kids some deeper meaning is to wait it who are gender nonconforming or out and patiently observe it. different from the norms of society. Our favorites are The Boy Who 22 Our Children PFLAG.ORG Cried Fabulous, A Fire Engine for created to be while knowing that we Ruthie and anything else by Leslea love him no matter what. Newman. Todd Parr books are great, too. Parenting is hard as hell. We used to stop every once in a while and Most of all, I’d tell myself to enjoy dreamily imagine what life would be the path less traveled. C.J. and like if C.J. conformed to traditional our family aren’t weird, we’re just gender norms. Now we wouldn’t different and if everybody were the change our experiences or our son same this world would be a very for anything in the world. We are boring place. We paint nails, braid blessed beyond comprehension to hair, tap dance and smile big. People have a gender-nonconforming son. like C.J. give the world color. We It’s easy to feel blessed when you get enjoy the rainbow. what you expect. But can you feel that way and still be thankful when Our family and its support system things turn out not as expected? have evolved over the last several When things are more different years. We know that we are here to than normal, more challenging love our child, not change him. He’s than easy? Yes, you can. That is absolutely free to be who he was what C.J. taught us.

Don Rogers, parent of a For a few years after that, Josh tried gay son to be straight. He dated girls and tried his best to be someone he My wife, Gena, and I have been wasn’t. Then at the age of 19, he married 48 years. We live in Texas came out to Gena and me. and have three sons and five grandchildren. Our youngest son, I was devastated. I was a fourth- Josh, is gay. generation Southern Baptist and a fourth-generation Texan. Everything When Josh was 14, he told the I had known, everything I had been youth minister at our church that taught, was that homosexuality was he thought he was gay. The youth a sin and could not be accepted. minister called Gena in and said This was something that had been that he did not think Josh was gay ingrained in me, and something but simply going through a phase. I had never questioned. So Josh’s They basically shut down any effort declaration that he was gay shook by Josh to come out; Gena didn’t the very foundation of my beliefs. It even tell me about the conversation, took a long time for us to assimilate and simply ignored it. She told me what had happened, and each of us later that it was incomprehensible to dealt with it in our own way. her; she thought it couldn’t be true.

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 23 My way was to turn to research and time growing up because kids books. I was a schoolteacher, having bullied him. I suppose we should taught for 34 years. So I began have known that Josh was gay, but reading everything I could, starting for Gena and me, that was not with the history of Christianity something we even considered. We and homosexuality in the church. were confirmed Southern Baptists, I researched I served as a online, and I read deacon in a very books from both “Ultimately, I realized large church, and perspectives. that I could reconcile Josh himself was Ultimately, I my son and my faith… raised in that realized that I Understanding this church. But Josh could reconcile my had the courage changed me completely, son and my faith. to be honest with I came to see that and it changed the way I himself about Josh was born this look at other people.” who he is. way, and he cannot change who he For the past 10 is. Understanding this changed me years, Josh has completely, and it changed the way been in a committed relationship I look at other people. with David. When we were first introduced to David, Gena was It probably took longer for Gena still struggling and grieving to to accept that Josh was gay. She accept that her son was gay. She still grieved hard. She never said “Leave” worries that she was standoffish to or “I do not love you,” but it was David for about a year, maybe more. incredibly difficult for her. She But now, 10 years later, we both prayed for a miracle—for God to love David and consider him every change Josh so he would not think bit as part of our family. We are so he was gay anymore. proud of the two of them, both as individuals and as a couple. But then she realized her grieving was about her. It was about her grief that In July of last year, Josh and David Josh would not bring home a daughter- were married. They first had a in-law or give her grandchildren. She ceremony in Fort Worth on a prayed a lot, and she started to see that Saturday night, celebrating with God couldn’t change Josh, but he their families and friends. It was could change her heart. She could an absolutely beautiful ceremony love Josh for who he is and not for and reception — we never felt more whom she wanted him to be. love than we did that night. Josh surprised David by singing “When Looking back, I am stunned by You Say You Love Me.” There was Josh’s courage. He had a difficult not a dry eye in the place.

24 Our Children PFLAG.ORG After the ceremony, Josh and David were not able to lawfully David flew to to make marry in their home state where their marriage legal the following they were both born and raised, Monday, as this was before marriage but we are thrilled that other equality became the law of the land. families will now not have to It was painful to us that Josh and endure that pain.

Amelia, mother of a young So, as the parent of this incredible gay son kid, who I love to distraction, I could use some help. I need help Parenting young LGBTQ kids is hard. knowing how to be the best mom But mostly, that’s because parenting for him. I need help knowing how is really hard. (Anyone who claims it to talk to schools about how they is easy is lying or selling something.) are going to protect and celebrate my son for who he is. I need help I love my kid. I love every single knowing how to talk to other little part of him. I love that he’s parents, who think orientation is such a fierce protector and guardian just about sex acts, and get freaked of his younger brothers. I love that out when my prepubescent kid he thinks having bangs that flop tells them he is gay. I need help into his face is the absolute height knowing how to talk to and deal of fashion. I love how excited he got with grandparents and homophobic when he found out that the “Toads” relatives about my kid. I need help in Nintendo have no gender. I love so I can support him and love him how he seems incapable of putting and celebrate him for the incredible, his laundry into the hamper. (Okay, rapidly growing kiddo he is. I I don’t really love that, but it comes need this help so that he can grow with the package.) And I love that up into a confident, loving, and he is gay. Because I am his mom, wonderful adult gay man. And there and I love all the things that make is no manual for this. There is no up who he is, and this is part of him. parenting book called, “My Seven Year Old is Gay. Now What?” There is nothing wrong with my son. There is nothing wrong with Parents like me—parents who love being gay. But his orientation is their kids, parents who see their something that causes me concern. child’s orientation as something to I don’t want to change my kid, or celebrate, but who also know that for him to be anything other than the world is a scary place—need himself. My concern stems from PFLAG, too, because we want to be how the rest of the world is going the best parents we can be…we need to react to him, my out-and-proud PFLAG’s help to figure out how to elementary school student, who has do that. never seen the need for a closet. PFLAG.ORG Our Children 25 PFLAG NATIONAL GLOSSARY OF TERMS

The power of language to shape our perceptions of other people is immense. Precise use of terms in regards to sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression can have a significant impact on demystifying many of the misperceptions associated with these concepts. However, the vocabulary of both continues to evolve, and there is not universal agreement about the definitions of many terms. Here are some working definitions and examples of frequently used (and misused) terms as a starting point for dialogue and understanding.

Affirmed gender: The gender Androgynous: A non-binary by which one wishes to be known. gender identity typically used to This term is often used to replace describe a person’s appearances terms like “new gender” or “chosen or clothing. gender,” which imply that the current gender was not always a Asexual: An individual who does person’s gender or that the gender not experience sexual attraction. was chosen rather than simply There is considerable diversity in existence. among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences Agender: A person who does not things like relationships, attraction, identify with any gender. and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy Ally: A term used to describe or sexual abstinence, which are someone who does not identify chosen behaviors, while asexuality as LGBTQ but who is supportive is a sexual orientation that does not of LGBTQ individuals and the necessarily entail either of those community, either personally or as behaviors. Some asexual individuals an advocate. Whereas allies to the do have sex, for a variety of reasons. LGB community typically identify as straight, allies to the transgender Assigned sex: The sex (male, community also come from the female, intersex) that is assigned LGBQ community. to an infant at birth based on the child’s visible sex organs, including Androgyne: An androgynous genitalia and other physical individual characteristics. 26 Our Children PFLAG.ORG Assumed gender: The gender a Coming out: For most people person is assumed to be based on who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, the sex they are assigned at birth. and transgender, the process of self-acceptance that continues Biological sex: Refers to throughout one’s life, and the anatomical, physiological, genetic, sharing of the information with or physical attributes that define others. “Coming out” is sometimes if a person is male, female, or referred to as “disclosing” by intersex. These include genitalia, the transgender community. gonads, hormone levels, hormone Individuals often establish a lesbian, receptors, chromosomes, genes, and gay, bisexual, or transgender/ secondary sex characteristics. Sex is gender-nonconforming identity often confused or interchanged with within themselves first, and then gender, which is thought of as more may choose to reveal it to others. social and less biological, though Coming out can also apply to the there is some considerable overlap. family and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or or Bisexual: An individual who is adults when they reveal to others emotionally, romantically, and/ their connection to an LGBTQ or physically attracted to the same person or the community. There gender and different genders. are many different degrees of being Sometimes stated as “bi.” People out: Some may be out to friends who are bisexual need not have had only, some may be out publicly, and equal sexual experience with people some may be out only to themselves. of the same or different genders and, It’s important to remember that in fact, need not have had any sexual coming out is an incredibly personal experience at all; it is the attraction and transformative experience. that helps determine orientation. Not everyone is in the same place when it comes to being out, and Cisgender: A term used to it is critical to respect where each describe an individual whose gender person is in that process of self- identity aligns with the one typically identification. It is up to each associated with the sex assigned to person, individually, to decide if them at birth. and when to come out or disclose. Closeted: Describes a person Disclosure: A word that some who is not open about their sexual people use intently and others avoid orientation or gender identity, or with equal intent, preferring to use an ally who is not open about their the term “coming out” to describe support for people who are LGBTQ. the act or process of revealing one’s transgender or gender nonconforming identity to another person in a

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 27 specific instance. Some find the be one or the other. Also implies term offensive, implying the need to the assumption that gender is disclose something shameful, while biologically determined. others prefer disclosure, finding “coming out” offensive. Gender expansive: Also “gender creative,” (or medically, “gender Gay: The adjective used to describe variant”). An umbrella term people who are emotionally, sometimes used to describe children romantically, or physically attracted and youth that expand notions of to people of the same gender gender expression and identity (e.g., gay man, gay people). In beyond what is perceived as the contemporary contexts, “lesbian” expected gender norms for their is often a preferred term for women, society or context. Some gender- though many women use the word expansive individuals identify with “gay” to describe themselves. People being either male or female, some who are gay need not have had any identify as neither, and others sexual experience; it is the attraction identify as a mix of both. Gender- that helps determine orientation. expansive people feel that they exist psychologically between genders, as Gender: A set of social, on a spectrum, or beyond the notion psychological, or emotional of the male and female binary traits, often influenced by societal paradigm, and sometimes prefer expectations, that classify an using gender-neutral pronouns (see individual as male, female, a “Preferred Gender Pronouns”). They mixture of both, or neither. may or may not be comfortable with their bodies as they are, regardless of Gender-affirming surgery how they express their gender. (GAS): Surgical procedures that help people adjust their bodies in a Gender expression: The manner way that more closely matches their in which a person communicates innate or internal gender identity. about gender to others through Not every transgender person will external means such as clothing, desire or have resources for surgery. appearance, or mannerisms. This This should be used in place of the communication may be conscious older and often offensive term “sex or subconscious and may or may change.” Also sometimes referred not reflect their gender identity to as sexual reassignment surgery or sexual orientation. While most (SRS), genital reconstruction people’s understanding of gender surgery, or medical transition. expressions relates to masculinity and femininity, there are countless Gender binary: The concept that combinations that may incorporate there are only two genders, male both masculine and feminine and female, and that everyone must expressions—or neither—through

28 Our Children PFLAG.ORG androgynous expressions. The masculine or more feminine aspects, important thing to recognize is that some people move fluidly along the an individual’s gender expression spectrum, and some identify off the does not automatically imply one’s spectrum entirely. gender identity. Gender variant: A term, often Gender identity: One’s deeply used by the medical community, to held core sense of being male, describe children and youth who female, some of both, or neither. dress, behave, or express themselves One’s gender identity does not in a way that does not conform always correspond to biological sex. to dominant gender norms. (See Awareness of gender identity “gender nonconforming.”) People is usually experienced as early outside the medical community tend as 18 months old and reinforced to avoid this term because in adolescence. they feel it suggests these identities are abnormal, preferring terms Gender neutral: Not gendered. such as “gender expansive” and Can refer to language (including “gender creative.” pronouns), spaces (like bathrooms), or identities (like being gender Genderqueer: A term for those queer, for example). whose gender identity is outside of, not included within, or beyond the Gender nonconforming: A term binary of female and male, or define (considered by some to be outdated) themselves as gender expansive used to describe those who view through expression, behavior, roles, their gender identity as one of many and/or identity. possible genders beyond strictly female or male. More current Homophobia: An aversion to terms include “gender expansive,” lesbian or gay people that often “differently gendered,” “gender manifests itself in the form of creative,” “gender variant,” “gender prejudice and bias. Similarly, queer,” “gender fluid,” “gender “biphobia” is an aversion to neutral,” “bigender,” “androgynous,” and people who are or “gender diverse.” bisexual, and “transphobia” is an aversion to people who are Gender spectrum: The concept transgender. “Homophobic,” that gender exists beyond a simple “biphobic,” and “transphobic” are “male/female” binary model, the related adjectives. Collectively, but instead exists on an infinite these attitudes are referred to as continuum that transcends the two. “anti-LGBTQ bias.” Some people fall towards more

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 29 Homosexual: An outdated clinical acronym is stated as “LGBTA” to term often considered derogatory include people who are asexual and offensive, as opposed to the or allies, “LGBTQ,” with “Q” preferred terms, “gay” and “lesbian.” representing queer or questioning, or “LGBTI,” with the “I” Intersex/differences of sexual representing intersex. development (DSD): Individuals born with ambiguous genitalia or Lifestyle: A negative term often bodies that appear neither typically incorrectly used to describe the lives male nor female, often arising of people who are LGBTQ. The term from chromosomal anomalies or is disliked because it implies that ambiguous genitalia. In the past, being LGBTQ is a choice. medical professionals commonly assigned a male or female gender Misgender: To refer to someone, to the individual and proceeded especially a transgender person, to perform gender-affirming using a word, especially a pronoun surgeries beginning in infancy and or form of address, which does not often continuing into adolescence, correctly reflect the gender with before a child was able to give which they identify. informed consent. Formerly the Out: medical terms “hermaphrodite” and Describes people who openly “pseudo-hermaphrodite” were used; self-identify as LGBTQ in their these terms are now considered private, public, and/or professional neither acceptable nor scientifically lives. Some people who are accurate. The Intersex Society of transgender prefer to use the term North America opposes this “disclose” (defined above). practice of genital mutilation on Pansexual: A person whose infants and children. emotional, romantic, and/or Lesbian: A woman who is physical attraction is to people of emotionally, romantically, and/or all gender identities and biological physically attracted to other women. sexes. People who are pansexual People who are need not need not have had any sexual have had any sexual experience; experience; it is the attraction that it is the attraction that helps helps determine orientation. determine orientation. Preferred Gender Pronouns: A LGBTQ: An acronym that preferred gender pronoun, or PGP, collectively refers to individuals is the pronoun or set of pronouns who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or that an individual would like others transgender. It is sometimes stated to use when talking to or about as “GLBT” (gay, lesbian, bi, and that individual. In English, the transgender). Occasionally, the singular pronouns that we use most

30 Our Children PFLAG.ORG frequently are gendered, which can Same-Gender Loving: A term create an issue for transgender and sometimes used by members gender-nonconforming people, of the African-American/Black who may prefer that you use community to express an alternative gender neutral or gender-inclusive sexual orientation (gay/bisexual) pronouns when talking to or about without relying on terms and them. The most commonly used symbols of European descent. singular gender-neutral pronouns are “ze” (sometimes spelled “zie”) Sex: Refers to anatomical, and “hir.” Some (as in this publication) physiological, genetic, or physical also use “they” and “their” as attributes that define if a person gender-neutral singular pronouns. is male, female, or intersex. These include genitalia, gonads, Queer: A term used by some hormone levels, hormone receptors, people—particularly youth—to chromosomes, genes, and secondary describe themselves and/or their sex characteristics. Sex is often community. Reclaimed from its confused or interchanged with earlier negative use, the term is gender, which is thought of as more valued by some for its defiance, by social and less biological, though some because it can be inclusive of there is some considerable overlap. the entire community, and by others who find it to be an appropriate Sexual orientation: Emotional, term to describe their more fluid romantic, or sexual feelings toward identities. Traditionally a negative other people. People who are or pejorative term for people who straight experience these feelings are gay, “queer” is still sometimes primarily for people of a different disliked within the LGBTQ gender than their own. People who community. Due to its varying are gay or lesbian experience these meanings, this word should only feelings primarily for people of be used when self-identifying or the same gender; people who are quoting someone who self-identifies bisexual experience these feelings as queer (i.e. “My cousin identifies for people of different genders, as genderqueer.”) though not always at the same time, and people who are asexual Questioning: A term used to experience no sexual attraction at describe those who are in a process all. Other terms include pansexual of discovery and exploration about and polysexual. Sexual orientation their sexual orientation, gender is part of the human condition, identity, gender expression, or a while sexual behavior involves combination thereof. the choices one makes in acting on one’s sexual orientation. One’s sexual activity does not define who

PFLAG.ORG Our Children 31 one is with regard to one’s sexual not limited to, people who identify orientation; it is the attraction that as transsexual, genderqueer, helps determine orientation. gender variant, gender diverse, and androgynous. Stealth: A term used to describe transgender or gender-expansive Transition: A term sometimes individuals who do not disclose used to describe the process— their transgender or gender- social, legal, or medical—one expansive status in their public goes through to discover and/or or private lives (or certain aspects affirm one’s gender identity. This of their public lives). The term is may, but does not always, include increasingly considered offensive taking hormones; having surgeries; by some as it implies an element of and changing names, pronouns, deception. The phrase “maintaining identification documents, and more. privacy” is often used instead. Many individuals choose not to or are unable to transition for a wide Transgender: Sometime shortened range of reasons both within and to “trans.” A term describing a beyond their control. person’s gender identity that does not necessarily match their assigned Transsexual: A less frequently sex at birth. Other terms commonly used—and sometimes used are “female to male” (FTM), misunderstood—term (considered “male to female” (MTF), and by some to be outdated or possibly “genderqueer.” Transgender people offensive, and others to be uniquely may or may not decide to alter their applicable to them) which refers to bodies hormonally and/or surgically people who are transgender who to match their gender identity. use (or consider using) medical This word is also used as a broad interventions such as hormone umbrella term to describe those who therapy or gender-affirming transcend conventional expectations surgeries (GAS), also called sex of gender identity or expression. reassignment surgery (SRS) (or a Like any umbrella term, many combination of the two) or pursue different groups of people with medical interventions as part of different histories and experiences the process of expressing their are often included within the greater gender. Some people who identify transgender community—such as transsexual do not identify as groups include, but are certainly transgender and vice versa.

32 Our Children PFLAG.ORG We encourage you to immediately seek out help if you or a loved one needs it, especially if you or your loved one are in danger or have thought about self-harm in any way.

For LGBTQ youth, please contact The Trevor Project online at thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now, or call one of the following:

Helplines The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Ali Forney Day Center: (212) 206-0574

Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Info: (800) 342-AIDS (2437) Spanish service: (800) 344-7432 TDD service for the deaf: (800) 243-7889 [10:00am till 10:00pm EST, Monday through Friday]

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743

The National Runaway Switchboard: (800) RUNAWAY (786-2929) PFLAG National 1828 L Street, NW Suite 660 Washington, DC 20036

(202) 467-8180 pflag.org