The Very Bad Girl Scouts

THE VERY BAD GIRL SCOUTS

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A full-length comedy by John P. McEneny

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Have a question about copyright? Please contact us by email at [email protected] or by phone at 424-703-5315. When in doubt, please ask. CAST OF CHARACTERS

GROOSELDA GANSPICKER, female, President of the Schwalm-Eder Youth Rifle League. A girl desperate for friendship. DAGOBERT GANSPICKER, male, President of the Volkssport non-competitive walking club and twin brother of Grooselda. HEIDI, female, Grooselda's most devoted friend. PEPPER, female, Girl Scout Leader of Pack 144. The Muscle. MAD DOG, female, Girl Scout. Poisons expert. RASHIDA, female, Girl Scout. Black belt and numb chuck expert. TOASTITO, female, Girl Scout. Communications Director. FRANKIE, female, Girl Scout. Head of Development. MANDY CHEDDARHAWK, female, Former Girl Scout. BURTON, male, Mandy's boyfriend. Professional male model. LAURA DILLMAN, female, leader of the Friendless Club. BORATEAM, male or female, member of the Friendless Club. NATTY MELAMED, female, member of the Friendless Club. JEFF, male or female, member of the Friendless Club. DUNCAN, male, President of the Detective Club. SLICEY DUDA, male or female, Duncan's assistant. GLEN, male, assistant manager at the GAP. COUSIN KLARA, female or male, Heidi's sickly cousin. MISS LICK, female, den mother and mad scientist for troop 144.

SETTING

Mountainside town of Schwalm-Eder in Germany, Consumption Middle School in New Jersey, The Boiler Room, the underground lair of the Girl Scouts, The Gap, Heidi's Grandfather's home on top of the Wüstegarten mountain. All settings can be suggested with musical cues implying space.

NOTES

If your school is very sensitive to the issue of guns, then it's not impossible to replace them with bows and arrows, billy clubs or the like. While to this author those seem no less violent, we live in complicated times. Also, please feel free to replace the Starsky and Hutch or Hello Kitty references as necessary with ones that are appropriate for your production.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The Very Bad Girl Scouts was first performed in Brooklyn, NY at Piper Theatre Productions in July 2010 with Karenna Lief as Grooselda, Josh Walden as Dagobert, and Julia Moore as Pepper with choreography by Julie Klein. The play was remounted in July 2012 with Anna Aronson as Grooselda, Henry Pines as Dagobert, and Meredith Hackett as Pepper with choreography by Ryan Healey and Mollie Lief. Both productions were staged by the author.

Dedicated to Rachel McEneny, my first friend. 6 John P. McEneny

SCENE 1 (The marshes in the small German town of Schwalm-Eder. A young girl, GROOSELDA, 13, is in full rifle gear: ear plates, orange life vest, and a small bore .22 rifle. She looks like the girl on the Swiss Miss cocoa ads with long blonde braids but with strong and determined eyes. She is unhappy. She points the gun in the air, aims, and a loud blast is heard. Her friend, HEIDI, enters carrying a dead pigeon. They have thick German accents.)

HEIDI: Gute Arbeit, Grooselda! Good shot as always! I shall bring this carcass back to my Grandfather and we will have a feast!

GROOSELDA: You are better than a bloodhound. I cannot believe this is to be our last afternoon pigeon shooting together, my dearest friend.

HEIDI: It is so unfair. You are my best friend, Grooselda. We have been closer than sisters. I will be destroyed if you leave.

GROOSELDA: I know. My papa is a monster to separate us so.

HEIDI: Without you I am nothing. Without you, this school is nothing. Without you the town of Schwalm-Eder will be lost. And what will happen to the rifle team? Without your leadership, those morons from Kurhessen Middle School will thwart our efforts at regionals and will win at Schützenverein again.

GROOSELDA: Don't say such lies. I cannot endure thinking of that pathetic Kurhessen girl, Adelaide Rührend, holding the Golden Hedgehog. I hate her. And her form is pitiful. The judges pity her because she only has one eye.

HEIDI: It is true. Schwalm-Eder will lose all the regionals and then the Schützenverein and the golden hedgehog will belong to one-eyed Adelaide Rührend. And you know it. You are the © John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 7 strongest and most accurate shot in all of Schwalm-Eder. No girl possesses your aim and determination. No one.

GROOSELDA: Is true. Oh Heidi, what is my papa thinking taking me from our beloved little home in Schwalm-Eder and moving us to Consumption, New Jersey?

HEIDI: I could hide you under my bed. I would like that very much.

GROOSELDA: Nein. Oh goose feathers! Here comes my perfect brother. The prince of the Ganspicker household! The only gleam in Papa's eye. Dagobert thinks he's so much more than me just because of his so-called middle school popularity.

HEIDI: He is not so very popular. It's not like he can shoot a Heym Express Magnum 24-millimeter barrel.

GROOSELDA: No. But he did start the Volkssport non- competitive walking club and he's president of the Young Bavarians. All the girls fawn over him and the boys—eh—they fawn over him as well. I walk the hallways invisible.

HEIDI: You should wear your rifle medals on your jumper.

GROOSELDA: I don't want to appear pompous.

HEIDI: Who cares how many people like you, Grooselda? I like you very much. That should count for a lot.

GROOSELDA: But soon it shall be just me and my brother in Consumption, New Jersey. I will have to make new friends. And in his shadow, it will be impossible. And who could like me? I am a plain and simple-faced girl with a unique and unappreciated gift for hunting and marksmanship. (Enter DAGOBERT. He is Grooselda's twin brother. He is wearing traditional Lederhosen.)

DAGOBERT: Schnell! Schwester! I have searched all of Schwalm-Eder looking for you. I should have known you would spend your last day pigeon shooting in the swamps with your odd friend, Heidi. (He does not care for Heidi.)

Guten Tag, Fräulein Heidi. I hope your grandfather is feeling better.

HEIDI: Dankeschön, Herr Dagobert. I suppose you're finally happy about taking your sister out of the only home she has ever known and from the arms of her only confidant and kamerad?

DAGOBERT: Oh yes! New Jersey is going to be a wonderful adventure! We're going to be real American teenagers just like on Satellite Television!

HEIDI: You're going to get fat. Americans are very fat. And they love violence and saturated cooking oils. Terrible misfortunes will befall you!

DAGOBERT: Nyet! Heidi, I do not understand your desperate perspiration. From what place comes all of this Sturm und Drang? Schwalm-Eder has been a beautiful place to grow up. I will always remember its blue skies, temperate climate, and the good friends I've made in the Young Bavarians. But it is too small a place to hold all of my dreams. And besides, Papa's work has transferred him. He must go. We must follow opportunity when it calls. Come on, Schwester. Papa has packed up the Volkswagen and it's time to get on the autobahn. Say goodbye to Fräulein Heidi. (Perhaps the beginning musical strains to "99 Luftbaloons" by Nena—Neu Deutsche Welle version is heard in the distance.) GROOSELDA: (To Dagobert:) Here, Dagobert. Hold my rifle. (To Heidi:) Goodbye, my only friend. Soon the winds of time © John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 9 and distance will make our bond only a faint memory. I will forget all those long childhood mornings braiding each other's hair, stuffing our mouths with warm liverwurst, and the hours of target practice out here in the marshes. I will forget the thousands of beautiful pigeons whose angelic flights I've ended with my keen sharpsmanship. You have been a good friend. Auf Wiedersehen, my bloodhound. It will be hard to replace your loyalty.

HEIDI: It will be impossible. Take me with you.

DAGOBERT: No. There is no room in the Volkswagen.

GROOSELDA: No, Heidi, you must stay behind and take care of your blind grandfather and invalid cousin, Klara.

HEIDI: You must write me every day.

GROOSELDA: No. It will be too painful. I must commit to this new phase in my life. I must abandon my past, including you, and find soulmates in Consumption, New Jersey who will love and accept me for who I am.

HEIDI: Wait. Take this grenade. I've been saving it for your birthday.

GROOSELDA: Thank you. Goodbye, Heidi! (She takes the gun from Dagobert's arms and they exit. Heidi is left alone on stage. She drops her head and walks off, carrying the dead pigeon.)

SCENE 2 (Consumption, New Jersey. A girl, MANDY, 12, enters, holding 50 boxes of empty Girl Scout cookies. She is paranoid. She throws them to the ground. A boy with beautiful hair, BURTON, 13, enters.)

MANDY: Shut the door. You idiot! Shut the door! You're letting in the light.

BURTON: Mandy, what's wrong? I thought we were going to watch ice skating and hold hands. Come on, your mom's not home. It'll be fun.

MANDY: You don't understand. It's too late. They're going to find out. They're all going to know.

BURTON: A lot of people enjoy ice skating, Mandy. It's the most popular sport in the winter Olympics. There's nothing to be ashamed of. What are all those boxes, Mandy? Are those Girl Scout cookies? Are those empty Girl Scout cookies? Aren't you supposed to be selling them for your troop? Where did you get that kind of money to buy so many boxes, Mandy?

MANDY: I don't have any money. My mother works at the aquarium store and when the economy is bad, no one has money to buy exotic fish. Listen to me. (Grabbing Burton:) Burton, you're going to help me hide the evidence. You have to help me.

BURTON: I thought we were just going to hold hands and watch ice skating while your mom was out at Bingo. Vasile Plushenko is in the nationals. He's our favorite male figure skater.

MANDY: No one needs to find out, Burton. You're going to help me.

BURTON: You don't look so good, Mandy. Your eyes are wild. I haven't seen you like this, well ever.

MANDY: Look we obviously have a problem here. They could take my badges away. I could be ousted. I could be excommunicated. I could be...killed.

BURTON: Did you eat all those cookies...yourself?

MANDY: Yes, Burton. I ate them all.

BURTON: But aren't you sworn to only sell your cookies for good?

MANDY: I know the Girl Scout oath, Burton.

BURTON: Why did you do it? If they find out...oh crackers...this could be it for you. You don't mess with the Girl Scouts of America.

MANDY: I know what's at stake. Now I need your help. You have to help me hide the wrappers and boxes. My mother is going to be home from bingo any minute and we need to hide the evidence. We can bury them out by the septic tank.

BURTON: You ate them all?

MANDY: I ate them all, Burton. (Burton turns away dramatically. His beautiful hair may flip as well. )

What? You can't look at me anymore? You're ashamed at my weakness?

BURTON: I would have given you money, Mandy. I have like 300 dollars from my modeling in a fixed term savings account. I don't think I know you anymore. Why did you have to break your Girl Scout oath?

MANDY: I'm a terrible person. I can't help it. I was weak. I came home from school and I had like the worst day ever. Everyone made fun of my new pants and my mom forgot to make dinner again. And I was waiting here alone for you to come over.

BURTON: We could have ordered a pizza. I have 300 dollars from my modeling.

MANDY: And I was very unhappy so I went into the garage to look at all the boxes that Miss Lick had ordered for the troop. A giant wall of green boxes filled with all the hope and promise of girlhood. An American dream of camaraderie, lanyard making, and outdoor sports all promised in a little tiny cookie. It started so simply with the thin mints. Just one at first. A burst of mint cookieness in a chocolate covered hue. The cold dry bottom hitting my tongue and the gentle but crisp snap of wafer filling my wet mouth with Girl Scout goodness.

BURTON: Stop.

MANDY: No, Burton, this is who I am. I ate the Thin Mints. All 17 boxes.

BURTON: You mean pre-sold boxes of Thin Mints!

MANDY: Yes. Pre-sold. Boxes belonging to neighbors, friends, members of my church group, my mom's co-workers at The Friendly Fish Forum. All cookies that I had spent weeks selling. Peddling. Stacks of boxes just waiting to be happily delivered by me. And now they will all be denied. My stomach hurts.

BURTON: You're insane.

MANDY: I couldn't stop.

BURTON: You have a problem.

MANDY: I know. It didn't stop with the Thin Mints. Without a thought...without a tinge of regret, I moved to the Do-si-dos.

BURTON: I can't hear any more. Stop!

MANDY: Then the Trefoils, the Tagalongs, and even the Carmel Delights. And I don't even like the Carmel Delights.

BURTON: Saboteur! Someone must like the Carmel Delights if they had filled out the order sheets. You forgot your duty!

MANDY: No one likes the Carmel Delights.

BURTON: What about your cookie connection badge?

MANDY: I'm never going to get that cookie connection badge now. I've let down everyone. Everyone. Pepper. Rashida. Mad Dog. Toastito. Frankie. Miss Lick. My grandmother. The whole troop. I'm going to be the laughing stock of Consumption, New Jersey.

BURTON: You have to tell your mom. She's the only one who can save you from the Girl Scouts.

MANDY: I can't tell my mother. She would kill me. She hates gluttony. She hates when her customers overfeed the fish. She is going to kill me. I mean really kill this time. She's got a temper, especially after bingo. Once when I lost my retainer, she had to be restrained and tranquilized.

BURTON: Really?

MANDY: I had to slip some Benadryl in her Snapple just to get her to calm down.

BURTON: You don't look so good. MANDY: (Becoming hysterical:) I think I may have eaten a thousand dollars of crap this evening. Maybe we could go to the A&P and buy a bunch of generic cookies and stuff them back into the boxes. No one will know the difference. We'll sell

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 14 John P. McEneny them to your Aunt Dotty. She's blind and she's always liked me. It's such a rip off anyway, fifteen cookies in a box for four bucks! Obscene! That's almost 24 cents a cookie, Burton. Do you think she has a thousand dollars? She'll never know the difference. (Burton spins her around and slaps her.)

Stop! Wait.

BURTON: Did you hear that sound?

MANDY: They're here. They know.

BURTON: I'm getting out! (Five Girl Scouts enter: PEPPER, RASHIDA, MAD DOG, FRANKIE, and TOASTITO. They swagger with a confidence not usually seen in 13-year olds.)

PEPPER: You're going nowhere, salty. You hears me? Mad Dog, grab the pretty boy. (Mad Dog grabs Burton.)

BURTON: Please. No. Not my face. I'm a teen model.

MANDY: Pepper, please. You don't understand. Did you break in? I was sure I locked the front door.

MAD DOG: So we pick a few locks, so what? That's what the locksmith badge is for. MANDY: (Approaching Pepper:) Pepper...

PEPPER: You dumb Dora. Get your mitts off the marbles before I stuff that big yap of yours with a finger sandwich. I'm guessing by the looks of this sorry sight of empty boxes and the cookie crust sticking to your chin that you ate the whole mezuzah, Mandy.

MANDY: Not every cookie. I think I left a Carmel Delight.

FRANKIE: No one likes the Carmel Delight.

PEPPER: It's looking like you cost the Girls Scouts of Troop 424 about a thousand cha-chas. That's what it's looking like to me.

RASHIDA: Time for her to take the big sleep with the fishes, boss.

MANDY: No. And fish don't sleep. They don't have eyelids.

RASHIDA: She broke the oath. The Girl Scout oath. She's gotta be made an example.

FRANKIE: Don't bruise her. We need her.

PEPPER: You know what it took for me to get you into my pack? You know how many favors I had to grease to get the scout leaders to even look at your sorry mug? You had it all, Mandy. Friendship. Camping in the Catskills. Folk arts. Sing- a-longs. Badges! Hundreds of badges! You don't deserve to be called a scout.

MANDY: I can pay you girls back. All of it. I promise.

BURTON: She can't. She doesn't have any money. I can give you 300 dollars. Just let me go—I won't say anything.

MANDY: I can get the money from my mother.

BURTON: Her mother doesn't have that kind of money. She works at the aquarium store. No one is buying exotic fish anymore.

MANDY: Pepper, please, Pepper, please, Pepper, please, please, Pepper. I was your friend. I helped you get your northeastern botany badge.

PEPPER: Nah. It's too late, Mandaloo. You turned your back on your oath. You turned your back on us! You got no spine. You got no scouting spirit.

TOASTITO: Let me give her a little chin music, boss. This dumb bunny needs to know she is no better than us. No one defies the Girl Scout oath.

MANDY: No! Someone help me!

TOASTITO: You're in a heap of Dutch, Mandy. Keep your pipe down and we'll go easy on ya!

MISS LICK: Don't hurt her yet. We need her alive.

MANDY: No! Burton, do something!

BURTON: I have 300 dollars!

PEPPER: Take him too. We need no witnesses!

MAD DOG: What about the evidence? What about the cookie boxes?

PEPPER: Torch the place. (The girls drag Mandy and Burton off to their secret lair. The sounds of flames and destruction are heard.)

SCENE 3 (A bell rings. Consumption Middle School. Dagobert and Grooselda are standing in the hallways watching other students pass. The students are all wearing bright sashes across their chests that say INSIDER. They also wear orange armbands. There are two empty chairs. In one chair is an 8 x 10 of Burton and in the other chair is a picture of a fish. Dagobert is wearing his very best lederhosen and traditional Wegener hat with a red feather. Grooselda is wearing a traditional Dirndl dress and apron. Both have their socks pulled up to their knees. They carry notebooks with pictures of teenage pop stars that were popular five years ago. Occasionally a student will pass them and they will smile desperately, only to have the child pass them by.)

GROOSELDA: These American children are so much bigger boned than us. Is it true that they eat cheese at every meal?

DAGOBERT: And the boys wear such low rising tight jeans. There is no room for the breath. There is no room for the necessary movement that must occur. It is barbaric.

GROOSELDA: I wonder if we shall make some friends today. It is almost noon and no one has approached us yet with an offer of friendship.

DAGOBERT: Yes. It is odd. Have you continued to smile, Grooselda? Positive body language will draw in the friends. Stop slouching.

GROOSELDA: Don't tell me what to do. You are not the boss of me.

DAGOBERT: Oh yes, I am, you slope-backed crow. You are to listen to me. I am six minutes older than you and a boy! Plus I had more friends than you back in Schwalm-Eder.

GROOSELDA: If Papa would only give me the key to the rifle locker...

(A boy named DUNCAN and his assistant, SLICEY, approach. They are carrying posters and tape. Slicey has two broken elbows and is having difficulty using the tape. Slicey and Duncan wear sashes that say "Almost.")

DAGOBERT: Hush...Grooselda! Hush. Now is our opportunity for attack. Those two fellows do not draw their eyes away in fear when they see us. They seem somewhat approachable. It is time for an aggressive appeal for companionship. Keep your thin-lipped mouth shut!

GROOSELDA: Don't be reckless, brother. Be careful. (Dagobert approaches Duncan and Slicey like a hunter about to attack a leopard. Grooselda watches with extreme fear.)

DAGOBERT: Guten Morgen, fellow classmate. My given name is Dagobert Ganspicker. And this is my twin swester, Grooselda Ganspicker. We are in the eighth grade with you. Even though our Central European up bringing has provided us with rigorous training in geography, philosophy, history, Latin, cosmology, architecture, and aerodynamics, we will be mainstreamed with your general education classes. The Consumption School District has made their final decision. We look forward to your companionship and sub-standard curriculum.

DUNCAN: What's geography?

DAGOBERT: Might we have a seat and join your party?

GROOSELDA: My legs are very tired. We've been standing for hours.

DUNCAN: So you guys didn't go to any classes?

DAGOBERT: We're trying to make friends first. May we sit?

DUNCAN: Sure I guess so. I was just putting up these posters for the afterschool clubs. You know we have this club...Slicey

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 19 and me...it's called the Detective Club...you should really think about... (Dagobert and Grooselda begin to sit down in the empty chairs.)

SLICEY: STOP! Right now. No one sits in those chairs. Those are commemorative folding chairs. No one! How dare you? How dare you? Not until the mystery is solved.

DAGOBERT: What mystery?

SLICEY: Wowza, you slogs really are outsiders. It seems like only yesterday but it was almost fourteen days ago. Two students went missing from Consumption Junior High. And until Mandy and Burton are found, those seats will remain unoccupied, waiting for them to return. I don't know how it works in Iceland for you, but here in the U.S. of A—we still cling to some hope. We haven't all given up on democracy.

DAGOBERT: I beg your pardon! Germany is a federal parliamentary republic.

GROOSELDA: Are these the pictures of the missing children?

SLICEY: Yes. They will remain on those chairs until they are found. It represents their empty presence in our lives. DAGOBERT: (Looking at the picture of Burton:) Why is boy in the picture wearing such heavy lipstick?

SLICEY: He was...I mean he IS a teen model. He recently appeared in the Consumption penny saver.

DAGOBERT: And why is this one a fish?

DUNCAN: That poor fish is all we have of record of Amandallah Chedderhawk. Her trailer was burned down. Her mother came back from bingo after winning the King Kamehameha Ringer, which meant she had won almost 1000 lucky bingo dollars. But it was not Mrs. Chedderhawk's lucky

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 20 John P. McEneny day at all. She came home to find her trailer burned to the ground and no remains of either of the teens. She didn't have any pictures left so she taped a picture of her favorite fish to this chair: the Fantail orange filefish. Easy to take care of, easy to love, and no matter how lost they get, they always return home. She set up a reward for her daughter's whereabouts in the amount of $1000.

SLICEY: It's really torn up the entire the entire student body community, as you might imagine.

DAGOBERT: Is that why everyone is wearing orange armbands?

DUNCAN: No, that's to bring the Diet Coke machines back to the cafeteria.

GROOSELDA: Nothing like this could ever happen in Schwalm-Eder. I wish I was back in Schwalm-Eder. I miss Heidi and my shotguns.

SLICEY: Are you too good for Consumption? You got a lot to learn around here, Broom Hilda! If you think you're going to join the Detective Club then you got another thing to think about!

DUNCAN: But Slicey, the dean is going to disband our organization charter if we can't get another member in the Detective Club. He said we're elitist.

SLICEY: Duncan, please! Why is elitist so bad but elite is like something great!

DUNCAN: Those are just semantics. You're just frustrated because of your broken elbows. Let's just give them an application and...

SLICEY: I said no! I'm not taking these two outsiders in our club!

(She throws the posters to the ground.)

DUNCAN: Hey Slicey...that's not cool. My dad helped make these posters.

SLICEY: Duncan, we need to hang these recruiting posters in all the high visibility zones. We need real members. Not losers like these two. They'll just bring us down lower. (She storms out.)

DUNCAN: I'm sorry. She's right. You guys should really try the Outsider Club. They're meeting today in Room 309. It's your best bet. And don't worry about Slicey. She's still sore about her broken elbows. She broke them last year and they just won't heal. So now she has to walk around all funny. Like this. Kids make fun of her.

(He imitates either a robot or a Barbie Doll.) SLICEY: (Off:) Duncan! I'm waiting!

DUNCAN: Oh hey wait. Here's my card. If that doesn't work out, the Detective Club meets on Tuesdays at 3:30 in the boiler room. I'll be looking into you. (Duncan runs off.)

DAGOBERT: I say we take our chances with this Outsider club.

GROOSELDA: Ja. I shall bring the bundt cake. We shall try to convince them of our generosity by giving them baked goods. (Grooselda and Dagobert exit.)

SCENE 4 (Bell rings. Consumption Junior High School. LAURA DILLMAN, head of the Outsiders Club, stands center. She is addressing five new students. She gets to wear a crown. She wears a sash that says "Insider." NATTY, BORATEAM, and JEFF are seated with Laura Dillman in the middle. They are wearing nametags. Borateam has an eye patch and a small white mouse.)

BORATEAM: Are you like the student council president or something?

LAURA DILLMAN: I'm more of an ambassador really. A link between the known world here at Consumption Junior High and the other world which we don't know. Your world. The outsider world. I am a bridge. An arch. A bond. And today... (Long pause. Lowering her voice:) ...it is my honor to say with the simplest of words: Welcome, my new friends. Welcome to your new world. Welcome to the Outsiders Club.

NATTY: Why are you wearing a crown?

JEFF: I have a problem bonding with new people. It's hard for me to make friends.

LAURA DILLMAN: Well, Jeff. Consider us family now here at Consumption Junior High. In fact, consider me your "practice friend."

BORATEAM: I'm afraid too. I feel vulnerable and frightened by all the new strange faces. I keep wondering who will be my friend? Who will I eat with at lunchtime? Will I fit it? Am I always going to be that kid who keeps a mouse in his pocket? I'm really concerned, Laura Dillman. How will I have an identity if I can't find people who will give me an identity? These teen formative years are very important to my social

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 23 development. What will happen if no one likes me? I don't want to end up alone. I have so much love to give!

LAURA DILLMAN: Hold on. Hold on, Borateam. Your feelings are all normal. That's why the Consumption Junior High self-esteem initiative formed the Outsider Club. Now everyone put on this sash—this will make it clear to the entire junior high community that you are new and don't know all the social rules of yet. (Everyone puts on his or her Outsider sash.)

NATTY: So we're outsiders. Great! Again. At my last school in Moon Junction, they called me names and spread rumors about my conjunctivitis. I don't have conjunctivitis. I just have very watery eyes.

BORATEAM: I used to have a watery eye.

JEFF: I wore a Hello Kitty shirt one day. One day. I had to switch schools. It was relentless. It was just before laundry day. I wasn't thinking. Stop looking at me.

BORATEAM: My sash is kinda tight.

JEFF: Mine fits just right. How long do we get to wear sashes?

LAURA DILLMAN: Until we decide you're insiders. Then you get a probationary sash that says "Almost," and then finally "Insider."

NATTY: No way! I'm not wearing no sash! I survived the mean streets of Moon Junction and no one puts a sash on Natty Melamed. Not again.

LAURA DILLMAN: Natty, sit down. You'll be going through a pretty rigorous orientation and you'll learn the ropes, don't worry. I'm here to help you acclimate to your new surroundings. I've even made brochures on recycled paper. Now let's all hold hands and lock out anyone new who enters © John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 24 John P. McEneny and wants to join our circle of friendship. Let's close our eyes. There, that's good.

BORATEAM: Your hands are very warm.

JEFF: I feel warm all over.

LAURA DILLMAN: Just imagine how warm you're going to feel when you actually have friends. Concentrate on all the new friends that you're going to make. (They begin to gently hum. Enter Grooselda and Dagobert. Grooselda holds a bundt cake.)

DAGOBERT: Guten Morgen, fellow classmates. My given name is Dagobert Ganspicker and this is my twin swester, Grooselda.

GROOSELDA: I brought the home-baked Bienenstich, also known as "Bee Sting Cake."

LAURA DILLMAN: I know you think you can make friends by giving out baked products but you can't. You just can't. Trust me. I've tried.

NATTY: It's like buying love.

GROOSELDA: But I put the German honey in it.

BORATEAM: Are you like foreign exchange students?

GROOSELDA: I knew a girl once who also had one eye. Her name was Adelaide Rührend from the Kurhessen Junior High back in Schwalm-Eder. She is probably holding my Golden Hedgehog right now.

BORATEAM: How did she lose her eye?

GROOSELDA: It was at the Schützenverein Junior Sectionals two years ago. Her M08 Magnum spontaneously exploded. Everyone ran for cover like flying katzen cowards. Some

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 25 suspected foul play; others suspected that she did it to herself to elicit sympathy from the judges. Yet to her credit, she stood there solemnly, returned to the position and kept shooting at her target. That one-eyed girl shot 360 on a Heavy Varmint shoot thus gaining the Golden Hedgehog. You could say she was my nemesis.

LAURA DILLMAN: Nemesis is the opposite of friend. Everyone write that down in your friendless journal. (Everyone pulls out their friendless journals and begins to jot down a few notes.)

JEFF: I don't know how it works in Scotland, but in America, you're not allowed to talk about guns.

GROOSELDA: I am sorry. I was trying to make a common connection with the one-eyed girl.

BORATEAM: This is just a patch to cure my lazy eye.

NATTY: Foreigners can be so rude!

GROOSELDA: I'm sorry; I did not mean to make you cry.

NATTY: I don't have conjunctivitis. My eyes are very watery.

GROOSELDA: I'm sorry. I just want to make friends.

LAURA DILLMAN: And you will. Dagodell and Griseldobert, why don't you join our safe space. Welcome! Welcome! Now will everyone please practice your patient faces and nod to Dagodell and Griseldobert. (Everyone smiles warmly.)

Your goal here at the Outsider Club is for you to find a group that might accept you.

JEFF: Like Junior Achievers.

LAURA DILLMAN: Yes.

NATTY: The Audio Visual Club!

LAURA DILLMAN: Yes!

BORATEAM: The lacrosse team.

LAURA DILLMAN: Yes! We have girls and boys lacrosse! You could probably join either, Borateam.

DAGOBERT: Young Bavarians? I was the President back in Schwalm-Eder. We organized an annual Gesellschaft to save the Northern Back Fighting Bobcat. We raised 20,000 euro.

LAURA DILLMAN: No.

DAGOBERT: Well I've heard about the Detective Club. Perhaps that could be an enjoyable community.

LAURA DILLMAN: No. Even you can do better than those two prying weirdoes. Always running around the school like they're Starsky and Hutch.

JEFF: So they solve crimes?

LAURA DILLMAN: Forget about them, people. The road to friendship is not lined with asking too many questions. And Duncan McGrath-Lantingua and his little lackey Slicey Duda are doing themselves no favors poking their lonely noses into everyone's business. No, forget about the Detective Club. You need to consider other youth organizations.

GROOSELDA: Do you have a rifle club? Perhaps a gun fancier organization? A pistol appreciation society? A small vermin-hunting group?

LAURA DILLMAN: Nothing like that. We just have the usual afterschool clubs like Robotics, Young Republicans, cheerleading, the drama club, forensics, basketball, Lego Olympics, that sort of thing.

GROOSELDA: The Girl Scouts?

(A chill goes down Laura Dillman's back. Her eyes go wild. She touches her neck, ready to bolt after Grooselda and knock her teeth in. She then composes herself.)

LAURA DILLMAN: Who...who told you to mention...who told you...told you to say that?

GROOSELDA: What?

LAURA DILLMAN: I don't know what you know or what you've been told but I think you should leave right now, you Italian interlopers. I don't think either of you are right for the Outsider Club. Please leave your sashes here.

JEFF: They didn't get their sashes yet.

LAURA DILLMAN: It's just as well.

GROOSELDA: I know nothing. Nichts. Please. I am just a simple round-faced German girl looking for friendship. I have interests in marksmanship and thought perhaps the Girl Scouts might...

LAURA DILLMAN: Don't talk about them. We don't talk about them.

GROOSELDA: I did not mean to displease you. I even brought the home-baked Bienenstich.

DAGOBERT: Stop crying.

NATTY: I don't have conjunctivitis. I have very moist eyes.

DAGOBERT: I was talking to my sestra. Dry your tears, Grooselda. We do not want to friendship with these cold American classmates. We will find our own way in the world. Fraulein Dillman, you are not a kind girl. All Grooselda asked for was information about the local Girl Scouts chapter.

LAURA DILLMAN: Stop. I beg of you! They have ears everywhere. Get out of here. Quick everyone throw your

Friendless journals at them. Keep them out! We do not want them here in the Outsider Club. (Jeff, Borateam, and Natty throw their friendless journals at Grooselda and Dagobert.)

DAGOBERT: You are overreacting! What is so wrong with the Girl Scouts? Why are you so afraid?

LAURA DILLMAN: Stop! I declare this meeting of the Outsiders postponed until further notice. (Laura Dillman exits hastily.)

JEFF: Laura Dillman, don't leave us. Wait Laura Dillman!

BORATEAM: Laura Dillman, wait, Laura Dillman, wait! (Jeff, Natty, and Borateam exit wearing their sashes.)

DAGOBERT: Do not worry, Grooselda. We will make other friends.

GROOSELDA: This is just as Heidi has predicted. We are friendless. We will never find people who will accept us.

DAGOBERT: We'll find a club to join, don't worry.

GROOSELDA: How? We do not even have a sash! I'm going to get a job at a retail chain. Perhaps in a stimulating environment of work, I shall find companionship. Oh I am so lonely, Dagobert. You have no idea my ache.

DAGOBERT: No, wait, Grooselda... (Grooselda exits with her cake.)

Don't worry, my sestra. I will find us an organization to belong to.

SCENE 5 (The Detective Club. Duncan is sitting at his desk going over expense receipts and taking mysterious notes. There is a diagram of the disappearance of Mandy and Burton with all sorts of arrows leading to potential suspects. Slicey is sitting at a front desk with a giant sign that says "reception.") (Enter Dagobert.)

DAGOBERT: Excuse me, miss. Am I at the Detective Club?

SLICEY: Do you have an appointment with Duncan?

DAGOBERT: No. I am seeking a social club for young people. Duncan gave me his card. And...

SLICEY: Well I never! Duncan McGrath-Lantingua! You have defied me again. Our Detective Club will never be considered cool if we take in every stray outsider.

DAGOBERT: I would very much like to join your mystery community. I am in the process of finding friendship. I have many skills and character traits that may enhance your club. I have had a very difficult six weeks of American school. I have had to eat alone at my table in the cafeteria. I try to read a book so people do not look on me with pity but they don't even look at me at all. I used to have my sister for companionship but no longer. She took the initiative to acquire a job at the shopping community and that fills all her hours. So now I don't even have her. I don't know what to do with myself in the hours I am not doing my schoolwork. I walk the halls and have become oddly self-conscious how my arms rhythmically move in rhythm or not. I have developed a deep concern on what kind of clothing I put on in the morning. This is not like me at all.

DUNCAN: Seventh grade can be a rough year.

DAGOBERT: I am in the eighth grade. Though academically I am a sophomore in university.

DUNCAN: Rejection city.

DAGOBERT: Ja. It is a mystery why. Back in Schwalm-Eder— I was quite popular.

DUNCAN: You seem like a nice kid. Why don't you just play a sport or buy a skateboard?

DAGOBERT: I am not so good at American sports. Though I am athletically inclined. I was instrumental in creating the Volkssport non-competitive walking club. It is hard to make friends with male peers when you are not so adept at competitive sports.

DUNCAN: So why do you want to join the Detective Club? We only have two members. Me and Slicey here.

SLICEY: It's an elite club. And when I get these casts off, we're invincible.

DAGOBERT: I enjoy a good mystery book from time to time. Humplebert Deitricht is my favorite writer. Die Gefährliche Pudel is a particular favorite.

DUNCAN: This is not a book club, Jerry. We're the front lines for the truth here at the school. We search the greasy underbelly of Consumption Junior High for what's really going on. I've got informants everywhere. And you want to know what's going on?

DAGOBERT: Ja.

DUNCAN: Mendacity. There's a rotting conspiracy at work in this school and I'm close to proving who the culprits are. You see, we've had a rash of criminal activity. Someone broke into the cafeteria last week and stole all the cheese for the month.

SLICEY: No grilled cheese sandwiches. No pizza. No mac and cheese. And American kids LOVE cheese. Without their cheese, it's just bread.

DUNCAN: Also, someone stole all the yarn from the knitting club. And two students are missing. It's all connected.

DAGOBERT: Are the authorities involved?

DUNCAN: No, Dagobert. You can't trust anyone here at Consumption. Especially the school safety team.

DAGOBERT: How do you know my name?

DUNCAN: I have my sources. I heard you were president of the Young Bavarians back in Germany.

DAGOBERT: Yes, what else do you know about me?

DUNCAN: That your wild popularity hasn't followed you to America. Even though you raised 20,000 euro to save the Northern Back Fighting Bobcat.

DAGOBERT: That is so true. What else do you know?

DUNCAN: The word on the street is that your sister is worse off than you. You're a little bit homesick but she's got a full case of the empty and desperates. Her loneliness is palpable like rotting fruit.

SLICEY: You can smell it on her.

DUNCAN: Be very careful, Dagobert. That's when they take advantage of her. While she's vulnerable.

DAGOBERT: Who?

DUNCAN: The Girl Scouts.

SCENE 6 (The Gap. Grooselda has taken a job at the local mall. Her co- worker, GLEN, 16, has a complicated crush on her.)

GROOSELDA: Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.

GLEN: Your folding skills are very impressive, Grooselda. You're like a German-crafted folding machine.

GROOSELDA: Dankeschön, Glen. You have been a helpful and supportive assistant manager.

GLEN: You keep this up and you'll be a shift leader in no time. The Gap has always been the fertilizer for nurturing fresh retail talent. It's very exciting working at the mall. Fast paced. Tons of human interaction. A great place to discover who you really are. Best decision I ever made in my life was to go into retail.

GROOSELDA: Ja.

GLEN: Did you hear they're closing the Friendly Fish Forum?

GROOSELDA: Where will the pet owners of Consumption acquire their fish?

GLEN: The manager said she needed all her time to find her lost daughter. Do you remember that news story a few weeks ago about the missing teens?

GROOSELDA: I do not follow American newspapers. I prefer German rifle periodicals.

GLEN: We've been working together for almost four months.

GROOSELDA: Ja.

GLEN: And we never get a chance to talk, do we? All I know about you is that you sit here out on the showroom floor folding T-shirts for hours.

GROOSELDA: I will work much faster. Mein Fehler.

GLEN: I hardly know anything about you. Nothing personal. Maybe some time after work we could hang out at the food court?

GROOSELDA: It is hard to concentrate on my folding when you talk to me.

GLEN: Do you like painting pottery?

GROOSELDA: Nein.

GLEN: Do you like romance novels? My book club is reading a cycle of Finola Finnighan's Harem series.

GROOSELDA: Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.

GLEN: You've really worked up a sweat. Why not take a break? You can talk to me for a minute. There are no customers in the store and Sue is at Orange Julius.

GROOSELDA: When it is time to lean, it's time to clean. I've read the Gap employee booklet three times. I have accepted the conditions of my oath.

GLEN: It wasn't an oath, Grooselda.

GROOSELDA: It was my bond. My word. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.

GLEN: I just thought it would be nice to have a friend here at work. You know someone you can confide in.

GROOSELDA: The Gap is a place of employment. We serve the largest and greatest clothing retail chain in the world.

There is no place for fraternization at the workplace. Friendships are for places like...like school...and clubs.... and my old rifle club back in Schwalm-Eder.

GLEN: You look upset. Would you like a hug?

GROOSELDA: No. There are cameras watching us everywhere. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.

GLEN: Actually let me tell you a little secret. (Checking to make sure no one is looking:) The cameras actually don't work. They're set up just for show.

GROOSELDA: What? I am dumbfounded. I feel lied to.

GLEN: Also we pin the backs of shirts on the mannequins to make them seem skinnier.

GROOSELDA: I work for a house of lies.

GLEN: Yep. Oh and Sue found out about your fake I.D. and knows that you're only thirteen years old without working papers or work visa but she keeps you on because you're the hardest folder in the store.

GROOSELDA: What?

GLEN: That's why she doesn't make you wear khakis. She's only going to hold onto you until after Christmas is over and our fourth quarter results are in. So you better start using your discount before you're canned. GROOSELDA: (Angry:) Fold. Fit. Slip. And under. Fold. Fit. Slip. And under.

GLEN: That's right. Keep folding. You'll be history soon enough.

GROOSELDA: Your words are so cruel. I thought you liked me and admired my work ethic. I thought I was your work- friend.

GLEN: I was interested in you romantically.

GROOSELDA: Oh no. I am not ready for that! I am only thirteen years old!

GLEN: Give me a call when you're ready to grow up.

GROOSELDA: Glen, I'm not ready to be an adult. I am looking for a friend. Please understand. We've had such good times. Remember the time we shared those egg rolls from P.F. Chang's? Remember the sock sale?

GLEN: I'm going to go into the stock room and get more leg warmers. (Enter Pepper, Mad Dog, Rashida, Frankie, and Toastito. They're up to no good.) PEPPER: (To Grooselda:) Yo, Gap. You gotta help my girls out.

TOASTITO: We need some new berets. We went white water rafting last weekend and they just blew off.

PEPPER: Cut it, Toastito. Gap doesn't need to know the specifics to our sad storyline.

GROOSELDA: I enjoy outdoor activities very much and appreciate the need for a rugged and snug beret. Fortunately, Gap Enterprises supplies many smart looking berets. What color are you searching for?

MAD DOG: Green.

RASHIDA: We're looking for a beautiful bright Kelly green. Girl Scout green. As bright as a springtime glen.

GROOSELDA: I know of this color. It is the color of my hometown of Schwalm-Eder. My friend Heidi and I would often spend long afternoons in the marshes overlooking the 675-meter high Wüstegarten mountain. It too was a beautiful green.

TOASTITO: I've never been outside of Consumption. (Pepper puts twelve pairs of jeans under her sweater.)

FRANKIE: Pepper, be more discreet. Gap Girl is going to start squeaking.

PEPPER: Nah. She's cool. Aren't you, Gappy? (Rashida puts ten pairs of T-shirts under her skirt. Toastito puts all the socks down her blouse. Frankie steals men's underwear.)

GROOSELDA: Are you all shoplifting?

TOASTITO: Yeah, what you gonna say about it? You gonna start blowing your whistle?

GROOSELDA: They will not let me use a whistle anymore.

MAD DOG: She looks like she's going to cry!

GROOSELDA: No one has ever stolen in front of me before. Your behavior is brazen and reckless. You could be caught at any moment. How many khaki pants do you plan on stealing?

PEPPER: How many can we get away with stealing? It's all about the thrill, baby. We live on the thrill.

GROOSELDA: I recognize you. You go to my school. Consumption Junior High School. We have chemistry together.

PEPPER: You know...I can see it a bit. We just might have some chemistry together. I like your energy, Gap. There's a rebel in there somewhere.

GROOSELDA: Oh no. I see my assistant manager returning from the stock room. Oh, you should run away. All of you. Quickly. You shall be caught.

PEPPER: Not if you help us out. Friend?

GROOSELDA: What?

PEPPER: Isn't that what friends do? Help each other out? (Enter Glen.)

GLEN: Welcome to the Gap. Can I help you ladies find something from our summertime blue collection? Buy any jeans today and open a Gap Silver American Express card and receive 9% off.

MAD DOG: Sounds like a steal.

TOASTITO: Actually we were looking for some A-frame skirts. I need to find something for the eighth grade dance.

GLEN: We have a generous collection of larger sizes that could help you and your friends.

TOASTITO: You saying we're fat?

GLEN: I'm saying that I suspect that you may have helped yourself to a five-finger discount, ladies. What happened to the camis section?

PEPPER: You didn't see nothing. You hear me. You can't accuse us of nothing. We're Girl Scouts. Ya got it? Paragons of civic virtue.

MAD DOG: Yeah! We're just out with our Girl Scout leader, Miss Lick. We're walking blind ladies for our service badge.

GLEN: I have my most loyal employee on the floor. She has most obviously witnessed with her keen beady eyes your brazen thievery and will now tell me what she saw. Then

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 38 John P. McEneny based on her eyewitness statement, I am contacting the mall security department. The Gap has a worldwide full prosecution policy for all shoplifting.

GROOSELDA: I know nothing.

GLEN: Grooselda?

GROOSELDA: I saw nothing. These patrons have only asked for directions to Eastern Mountain Sport. They are just young sturdy American Girl Scouts who enjoy community service and outdoor activities and you, Glen, are accusing them without any cause.

GLEN: Grooselda!

GROOSELDA: If you do not believe my word than you can check the security cameras that are conveniently located throughout the store.

TOASTITO: They have cameras? We gotta blow outta here. I hate technology.

PEPPER: Thanks Gap! I'll be seeing ya in chemistry.

GROOSELDA: I would like that very much.

PEPPER: Call me Pepper. (The Girl Scouts exit.)

SCENE 7 (Back in Germany. It is late at night. On the top of Wüstegarten Mountain. Heidi is trying to pack her bags as quietly and carefully as possible. KLARA, 12, is a sickly girl confined to her bed.)

KLARA: Heidleweiss? I need my bedpan changed again. Would you be a dear little bloodhound and change my sheets? I am very uncomfortable.

HEIDI: Oh Klara. I'm sorry I woke you. I thought that sedative that I put into your milk would have knocked you out till morning.

KLARA: What are you doing, cousin? Are you packing? Are we going on a trip?

HEIDI: No, cousin. Only I am going on a trip. I'm going to see Grooselda in the States United for America.

KLARA: No, you cannot. Who will take care of Grandfather and me? I am sickly and bedridden. Who will take care of the goats? You are our only source of support.

HEIDI: Grooselda is my only friend in the world. Without her I am lost.

KLARA: Who will push my wheelchair? Who will read bible passages to our blind grandfather? Who will milk the goats? Who will rub the lifeless muscles in my legs every night? You are abandoning us.

HEIDI: Yes I am, Klara. You are all too dependent on me. I am enabling you.

KLARA: Nein. Nein. Nein! I can't walk. I will become indigent and be forced to crawl down the mountain to the town of Schwalm-Eder and beg for Euros. I will have to eat out of trash barrels. © John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 40 John P. McEneny

HEIDI: I was only happy when Grooselda was here. My life with you and Grandfather is intolerable. I am sorry.

KLARA: Schreckliches Mädchen! Grooselda Ganspicker is NO friend to you, Heidi. She's been in New Jersey for five months and never one postcard! She probably is surrounded by all of her new fat American friends. She doesn't want you.

HEIDI: How dare you. (Heidi attacks Klara and pulls her off the bed.)

I have done nothing but cook for you, dress you, tend to your bedsores, and listen to you play your folk songs on the glockenspiel. You are a dreadful spoiled cousin. You are nothing like my best friend, Grooselda. Sie sind ein Monster! Sie sind ein schrecklicher Freund!! (Klara suddenly stands up. Heidi stops beating her cousin. Heavenly music is heard.)

Klara, it's a miracle! You have suddenly regained the use of your leg muscles. Oh Cousin Klara, our prayers are answered!

KLARA: Um. Actually I have been successful at moving my legs for a little under a year now. It is very hard to explain. Take me with you, Cousin Heidi. As you can see, I am much more mobile and will not be a burden to you. Please take me with you.

HEIDI: What? Duplicity!

KLARA: I can help you carry your bags. Please do not leave me alone on this mountaintop with grandfather and the goats.

HEIDI: I am going alone to the airport with a one-way ticket to the Americas. And will forever to be rid of such a hateful family. I will find my true friend.

KLARA: Heidi, help me sit down. All this blood racing to my long dormant legs is making me feel faint.

HEIDI: Sit yourself! I'm out of this fashallenhaus forever! Auf Wiedersehen! (Heidi picks up her suitcase and storms out.)

SCENE 8 (Grooselda is sitting alone on stage. She takes out a handgun and looks at it. She then takes out a rag and begins to shine it. She stops. She takes out a pink cupcake and puts the entire cupcake in her mouth. Her brother, Dagobert, enters.)

DAGOBERT: There you are, Grooselda. I have been searching for you for hours.

GROOSELDA: Ja. I am now found. (Note: Her mouth is full and the words might not be fully understandable. Dagobert has seen his sister eat cupcakes this way many times while in a depression and has trained himself to understand every word she says.)

DAGOBERT: I'd like you to come out tonight with Duncan, Slicey, and me. We are going to go through some old school transcripts.

GROOSELDA: No thank you. Those are your friends. Once again you have bested me and found a claque of friends while I remain alone. Again sitting home on a Friday night with only my pistols for company. Go away! I'm now going to console myself with Hostess snack cakes. (She puts a second entire pink cupcake in her mouth.)

DAGOBERT: Why don't you join us tonight?

GROOSELDA: I have nothing in common with those people.

DAGOBERT: I don't have anything in common with these people either. You don't have to make a friend that is just like you. You have to make compromises sometimes. Do I necessary like fingerprinting the cafeteria, or interrogating the custodial staff, or being bossed around by Duncan? No. But ultimately, they're decent people who seem to tolerate my company and that is a lot. And I am willing to oversee their

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 43 small faults. No one is going to have the perfect friends. You must make friends where you can find them.

GROOSELDA: You're right, Dagobert. I must make friends where I can find them.

DAGOBERT: Join us, sestra.

GROOSELDA: Nyet. (Grooselda puts another pink cupcake entirely into her mouth.)

DAGOBERT: Then you need a plan, for you shall not survive this bitter loneliness unless you find some friends soon. (Dagobert exits.)

GROOSELDA: You are right, brother. I must make friends where I can find them.

SCENE 9 (The underground lair of the Girl Scouts. Mandy and Burton are tied together with yarn.)

MANDY: Stop crying, Burton. I can't think.

BURTON: We're doomed. We're never going to be found. They've probably stopped looking for us! And all we've had to eat for the past four months is cheese. I've lost all muscle mass. My modeling career is over. I'm never going to look like Vasile Plushenkolost. My digestive track is a mess. And this yarn is unbreakable.

MANDY: Stop. We're going to get out of this lair. The Girl Scouts can't hold us here forever.

BURTON: Look at my bloat!

MANDY: I just wonder why they haven't killed us yet? What are they planning? Why would they keep us alive like this? They know my mom runs the aquarium store so they know there's no money for ransom. No one escapes the Girl Scouts, Burton. Once there was a girl named Laura...Laura what? All this cheese has destroyed my memory. There was a girl named Laura that escaped once. How did she do it?

BURTON: Quiet. I hear them coming. Oh no—they're going to make us eat more cheese. I need fiber. Shh. Mandy. Shhh. (Enter Pepper, Rashida, Mad Dog, Frankie, and Toastito. Following them is Grooselda.)

PEPPER: Welcome to our secret lair. We keep it musty and murky to intimidate our enemies. Over there is the crafts corner—Toastito will show you the beading room later—over here is the gym and boxing ring. Back there is Miss Lick's laboratory. Don't go in there—she's working on something really special. And here is the rifle range.

GROOSELDA: Oh Pepper, it is quite charming and sterile. I love it. I'm so happy you invited me over for a play date. Your rifle range is one the finest rifle ranges have seen.

PEPPER: Let me introduce you to the girls. You've met Toastito.

TOASTITO: I'm the communication director.

PEPPER: Mad Dog is the poisons expert and contraband weapons expert. Frankie is a master of disguise and counterfeiter and head of development.

FRANKIE: I also like to play with fire.

PEPPER: Rashida is a black belt and numb chuck expert.

MAD DOG: And Pepper is the brawn. The muscle.

RASHIDA: She's our troop leader.

PEPPER: And with the defecation of Mandy—we're looking to fill a "gap."

GROOSELDA: You mean you want me to join the Girl Scouts?

PEPPER: Yes. The girls and I have talked about it. We've seen your potential.

GROOSELDA: Should I ask permission from Miss Lick? (The girls all laugh.)

FRANKIE: Yo, Miss Lick, come out and see your girls. (A hunchbacked mad scientist enters. Her hair is wild. She wears a white lab coat.)

MISS LICK: Why must you disturb me? I let you girls use my back room in return for protection but if you continue to disrupt me, you will never see me finish.

PEPPER: You finished with our secret plan yet, Miss Lick?

MISS LICK: Almost. Nanotechnology is quite a challenge. But soon we'll be able to take our test subjects and insert the mainframe wires. Soon all will be at your mercy.

GROOSELDA: You are very dangerous girls.

PEPPER: Yep! Unstoppable. And, Gap, we're looking for a sharpshooter to fill out our gang. We need a true marksman.

GROOSELDA: You want me to use my riflery skills for crime? But it is my gift.

PEPPER: And in return, we will be your friends. (Note: During Grooselda's asides to the audience, all the characters on stage are able to hear her.) GROOSELDA: (Aside:) This is a moral conundrum. I am desperate for friendship, yet I have always thought of myself as a rigidly moral person opposed to anarchy.

PEPPER: But first, we have to see proof of your gun skills. Are you carrying?

GROOSELDA: Of course. (Grooselda pulls out a gun.)

PEPPER: Test subject!

MISS LICK: Not Mandy! I can't risk losing her yet. I still have use for her in my laboratory. Take the other one. (The girls grab Burton and make him stand.)

BURTON: No don't. You've done enough. You've ruined my figure. Ruined my career. Taken me from my loved ones. Denied me the essentials of fiber, mirrors, and television.

GROOSELDA: So you want me to shoot the fat boy?

BURTON: Am I really that fat? All I've eaten is cheese stolen by the Girl Scouts.

GROOSELDA: So I must shoot this one human life in order to be accepted by you.

PEPPER: Yes. GROOSELDA: (Aside:) I've never killed a person before. I've killed hundreds of pigeons, muskrats, wild turkeys, and of course, hedgehogs. How desperate am I to make a friend?

MANDY: Don't do it, girl. They're playing on your weakness just like they played on mine. They need you more than they're saying.

RASHIDA: Shut up, Mandy! We're loyal to our friends. We just ask that they prove their friendship. It's just an initiation.

BURTON: No. Stop! Help!

PEPPER: I will place this apple on the boy's head. You must shoot it off his head and prove your skills.

GROOSELDA: Jai.

MANDY: Wait! Stop! You're only like thirteen. If you're even a hair off, even a millimeter, he'll be dead. You don't want to take the risk.

GROOSELDA: I'm a very good shot. I won second place at regionals at Schützenverein back in Schwalm-Eder.

BURTON: I'm not a good target. It's difficult for me to stand completely still. All my photographers complain about it.

PEPPER: Come on Gap, we don't have all day. Prove your skills. Prove your loyalty.

GROOSELDA: Ja.

(Grooselda points the gun and shoots at Burton's head. Perhaps his beautiful blonde hair is blown off.)

PEPPER: Wow! I didn't even get a chance to put the apple on his head. It totally missed him.

BURTON: I could feel it searing just by my hair.

PEPPER: One of us!

RASHIDA, MAD DOG, FRANKIE, TOASTITO: One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! (The scouts run and put a scouting sash and beret on Grooselda.)

PEPPER: How does it feel, Gap? GROOSELDA: (Aside:) I have mixture of feelings. I am totally morally compromised, of course. On the one hand, I was peer pressured into doing something dangerous that I did not want to do. But on the other hand, the warm feelings of inclusion and sisterhood make want to do anything you request.

PEPPER: Grooselda Ganspicker, welcome to the Girl Scouts! (The Girl Scouts do the Dance of Acceptance .)

SCENE 10 (The Outsider Club. Laura Dillman is teaching the outsiders how to make friends.)

LAURA DILLMAN: Firmer handshake, Borateam. Excellent. More eye contact, Natty. I don't care how they greeted each other in Moon Junction. Now everyone think of an opening phrase you could use to approach a fellow student.

JEFF: Did you know that in Iceland there are 100 words for snow but only one for love?

LAURA DILLMAN: Excellent, Jeff.

BORATEAM: How about that game last night?

LAURA DILLMAN: Good.

NATTY: Can I ask for directions?

LAURA DILLMAN: No, that will just burden someone. Get a border collie if you need directions. This is about finding friends, Natty.

BORATEAM: I can't do it, Laura Dillman. I can't. I just freak out when I have to talk to new people.

LAURA DILLMAN: Put down your mouse and you listen to me. You will never get your Almost Accepted sash at this rate. Next lesson, let's break into twos and practice our trust falls. Now remember, no matter what, you MUST catch your partner when he falls. Friendship is all about trust. This is going to be difficult for you, Borateam. Focus! (Enter Duncan, Slicey, and Dagobert.)

DUNCAN: Excuse us.

LAURA DILLMAN: You're not supposed to be here. I signed out this room almost six months ago with Berta in scheduling. Go back to your boiler room.

DUNCAN: We just got a few questions.

LAURA DILLMAN: Can't you see how busy I am? This Outsider Club is at a very crucial point towards socialization. Can't you see the difference? I just got Natty to wear concealer.

NATTY: It evens out my complexion.

DAGOBERT: Laura Dillman, I observed your strong reaction last week at the orientation when I mentioned "Girl Scouts."

LAURA DILLMAN: Get out of here. You're not a detective, Duncan! Quick everyone, let's hold hands and create a safety circle and block them out. Just like we've practiced.

DAGOBERT: No. Wait! We want to know the truth. You used to be a Girl Scout, didn't you?

SLICEY: Yeah! We did our research last night in the school library. Good old detective skills. It says so here in the Consumption Junior High yearbook. (She opens up the book.)

LAURA DILLMAN: I don't need to see that! I know what I was. What's your game, Duncan? What do you want? More members for your pathetic club? Fine, you can have Borateam.

DAGOBERT: Why are you so afraid of them, Laura Dillman?

LAURA DILLMAN: Stop. No, I can't.

SLICEY: We're not leaving till we get answers. Got it, Dillman!?

DUNCAN: Dagobert, lock the door.

DAGOBERT: Ja.

LAURA DILLMAN: I'm not afraid of you, Duncan.

DUNCAN: What are you afraid of, Laura Dillman?

JEFF: What is so wrong with the Girl Scouts?

LAURA DILLMAN: Shut up. You're still new here. You're still an outsider. You don't get to ask questions.

DUNCAN: But I do.

LAURA DILLMAN: It's hard to explain. You're a boy, you wouldn't understand the desperate and clawing need an adolescent girl has for friendship. You don't know what it's like to not have someone to share your thoughts with. To not have someone who will smile at you. Someone to hold your secrets. To walk next to. To know you're not just you. Because let's face it, you're just not enough. I needed to be something bigger than just myself. I needed friends. A girl without a friend is nothing. I was nothing.

DUNCAN: What's this have to do with the Girl Scouts?

LAURA DILLMAN: They're bad news, Duncan. But they're strong and fierce. And they're an efficiently organized group of girls with a clear leader. That's a big deal in middle school. I was drawn in by the structure and promise of sisterhood. The validation of badges. The safety of numbers. I was a young girl from Tigerhassing; unsophisticated, and vulnerable—they took me in—gave me an identity. I belonged. Finally belonged.

SLICEY: What are you yabbering about?

LAURA DILLMAN: It went too far. I can't talk about it.

DUNCAN: Tell me!

LAURA DILLMAN: Never.

DUNCAN: Tell me.

LAURA DILLMAN: It was at the roller rink. I got there late. It was supposed to be a simple night of vandalism and stealing cars. The girls seemed agitated but I just went along with it. MAD DOG...you know her?

SLICEY: You mean Annamarie Ragoo?

LAURA DILLMAN: That was her norm name. Her scout name is "Mad Dog." She thought it would be fun to put pickle juice in the slushie mixes. But she found the pickle juice in the back of her grandma's refrigerator and I guess none of us looked at the expiration date.

SLICEY: Everyone at the roller rink drinks slushies. Just everyone.

LAURA DILLMAN: I know! I know. It was awful. They all got some sort of weird food poisoning from the expired pickle juice! And then the screaming started. You know when someone yawns and then suddenly you have to yawn. It was like that but with vomiting. One girl would start to vomit and then another would skate and slip and fall. And then another girl would see her friend sliding in the vomit and then she would start vomiting. Soon the entire roller rink was filled with tears and vomit and broken limbs and...oh my eyes! My eyes! I can't get the images out of my head. Not even out of my dreams.

SLICEY: Why didn't you stop Mad Dog? Why didn't you stop the Girl Scouts? I was there at the roller rink that night. I broke both my elbows! I have to wear these casts for six months!

LAURA DILLMAN: I quit there on the spot. I knew I couldn't be part of such a cruel organization. I couldn't willingly hurt another innocent person. Then and there, I promised to become a better person and help people less socially

© John P. McEneny This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. The Very Bad Girl Scouts 53 acclimated than me to find acceptance in a healthy manner and not be drawn in by the Girl Scouts.

SLICEY: I forgive you.

LAURA DILLMAN: Thank you, Slicey. But I'll never forgive myself. All those broken bones. All that chaos. All that vomit. And the Girl Scouts haven't forgotten my defecation.

DAGOBERT: I think you mean defection.

LAURA DILLMAN: Oh they've punished me. That you can be sure of. They heckled me at Club Information Night. They put salt in my sugar shaker. They left a burning effigy of my Springer spaniel on my front lawn. They're dangerous girls, Dagobert. Very dangerous girls. VERY BAD GIRL SCOUTS!

DUNCAN: Dangerous enough to kidnap?

LAURA DILLMAN: I wouldn't put anything past them at this point.

DAGOBERT: Where is their secret clubhouse located?

LAURA DILLMAN: I can't tell you. They would kill me.

DUNCAN: Do it for Mandy and Burton.

LAURA DILLMAN: Who?

DUNCAN: Those two teenagers that were kidnapped four months ago.

LAURA DILLMAN: Oh yeah. They probably did kidnap them. Mandy was one of their own. She probably crossed them. I'm sorry, I just can't tell you.

SLICEY: Do it for my elbows.

BORATEAM: Do it for us, Laura Dillman. Do it for all of Consumption.

JEFF: Yes, I want to go to a school that's safe. I want Consumption Middle School to be a safe place for everyone.

NATTY: Maybe if we didn't all live in fear of each other then we could all be friends. What if instead of assuming that people don't like each other, we could all assume that we actually did like each other? Let's reverse all the mistrust we have in each other.

LAURA DILLMAN: Actually I think people are mostly indifferent to each other. Hate takes so much effort.

DUNCAN: Where is the Girl Scout hideout?

LAURA DILLMAN: No...I can't.

NATTY: I think you should tell them.

LAURA DILLMAN: Why? What do I have to gain?

BORATEAM: Be a good friend, Laura Dillman. It's the right thing to do.

LAURA DILLMAN: Alright. Under the Dairy Queen out on Route 9. There's a hidden doorway in the back that leads down to their secret Girl Scout basement lair. Wait. You'll need to know the six-letter password.

SLICEY: What is it?

LAURA DILLMAN: C-O-O-K-I- E.

SCENE 11 (The girls are hanging out in the secret girl cookie scout lair. Frankie enters carrying an enormous box over her head. None of the other girls help her, as it would insult Frankie to have her strength challenged. She plops the heavy box down on the floor.)

FRANKIE: I'm back. UPS left this parcel behind. I wonder what's in it? I hope it's those switchblades that we ordered last month. Let me go ask Pepper.

MAD DOG: Better not—she's in one her moods. She's been working with Miss Lick all morning in the laboratory. She's all jumpy and jittery. This is worse than when she was preparing for her bee wrangling badge.

TOASTITO: Hey Gap, you done penning the g's.

GROOSELDA: Counterfeiting is an art form in and of itself. (She hands a freshly drawn dollar to Toastito.)

TOASTITO: You're a gal of many strengths, Gap. We're lucky to have you.

FRANKIE: Hey Gap, will you help me braid my hair?

GROOSELDA: Of course, that's what girlfriends do.

MAD DOG: Hey, after we finish spray painting the orphanage tonight, do you want to have a sleepover at my house? We can make slam books.

GROOSELDA: Ja. I would enjoy that very much.

FRANKIE: Is it true that you've used a bazooka before? (Enter Pepper and Miss Lick.)

PEPPER: Alrighty you long faced creeps. It's here. Miss Lick is finally ready to share the big deal.

MISS LICK: I've been working on the project for almost three months.

PEPPER: That's right. Girls, our days of petty larceny are now over.

MAD DOG: We still thinking of poisoning the Thin Mints? Taking out all of Consumption?

PEPPER: Nah. We're thinking bigger.

RASHIDA: Tell us, Pepper!

PEPPER: I'm talking robotic technology.

FRANKIE: What are you going on about, Peps? I've never seen you so excited.

PEPPER: Robotic technology.

MAD DOG: What's that?

GROOSELDA: A branch of engineering science that deals with the creation of tools that mimic the mechanical structure of humans.

PEPPER: Gap is right. Robots!

RASHIDA: Pepper, what are we going to do with a bunch of robots? You're talking crazy.

PEPPER: Am I? Am I, Rashida?

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