Love & Intimacy

SYLLABUS LOVE & INTIMACY: THE COUPEES CONFERENCE

JUNE 12 -14, 2003

Holiday hm Nob Hill San Francisco, California

Ellyn Bader • Lonnie Barbach • David Geisinger Marty Klein • Pat Love • Cloe Madanes Bennet Wong &Jock McKeen • Peter Pearson Ayala Pines • Terry Real • Janis A. Spring • Jeffrey Zeig

LAWS & ETHICS Workshop A. Steven Frankel, PhD,JD

Sponsored by THE :MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION, INC., Phoenix, AZ with Organization by THE COUPLES INSTITUTE, Menlo Park, CA 8:15-8:30 AM Opening Remarks Emerald Ballroom 8:30-9:30 AM Keynote Address 1 - Ayala Pines - How We Choose the Lovers We Emerald Ballroom Choose and Why This Question is Important for Couples Therapists 9:45 AM-12:45 PM Workshops

WS 1 - Getting Off to a Powerful Start- Ellyn Bader Gold Rush Ballroom WS 2 - Relationships Make Me Sick- Jock McKeen & Bennet Wong Redwood Room WS 3- The Silent Divorce: Anxiety, Depression and Relationships- Pat Love Emerald Ballroom 2:00-5:00 PM Workshops

WS 4 - Existential Issues in Sexuality- Marty Klein Gold Rush Ballroom WS 5 - Keeping the Spark Alive: How to Prevent Burnout in Love and Marriage - Ayala Pines Redwood Room WS 6 - Twelve Strategies for Solving Marital Problems - Cloe Madanes Emerald Ballroom 5:15-6:15 PM Conversation Hour CH 1 - Viagra- Part of the Solution or Part of the Problem - Marty Klein Gold Rush Ballroom FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2003 8:00 AM-12:00 N Laws & Ethics Workshop, Part 1- Steven Frankel Redwood Room Laws & Ethics Update for Clinicians Working with Families & Children 9:00 AM-12:00 N Workshops WS 7 -After the Affair: Sexual Intimacy and Forgiveness- Janis Spring Gold Rush A WS 8 - Loving Dangerously: Pathways to Intimacy- Lonnie Barbach & David Geisinger Gold Rush B WS 9 - Reconnecting Men and Women : The Crisis in Intimacy - Terry Real Emerald Ballroom 1:30-3:30 PM Laws & Ethics Workshop, Part 2- Steven Frankel Redwood Room 1:30-2:30 PM Topical Panels & Conversation Hour

TP 1- Working with Your Partner - Wong & McKeen, Barbach & Geisinger, Bader & Pearson Gold Rush B TP 2 - Relationship Renewal- Pat Love, Cloe Madanes, Terry Real Emerald Ballroom CH 2 - Lies and Secrets- Janis Spring Gold Rush A 2:45-3:45 PM Topical Panels & Conversation Hour TP 3 - Different Kinds of Sexual Excitement- Wong & McKeen, Barbach & Geisinger, Marty Klein Gold Rush B TP 4 - Crises Between Men and Women - Terry Real, Ayala Pines Emerald Ballroom CH 3 - Working with a Passive Aggressive Partner - Peter Pearson Gold Rush A 4:00-5:00 PM Keynote Address 2 - Janis Spring -After the Affair: Trauma and Emerald Ballroom Reconciliation 5:15-6:15 PM Reception and Authors' Hour Convention Foyer SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2003 8:30-9:30 AM Keynote Address 3 - Cloe Madanes - Dilemmas of Marriage Emerald Ballroom 9:45 AM-12:45 PM Workshops WS 10 - Ericksonian Methods to Empower Couples- Jeffrey Zeig Redwood Room WS 11 - Using Neuro-Affective TherapyTM to Help Couples - Pat Love Emerald Ballroom WS 12- A Typology of Couples - Problems and Solutions - Cloe Madanes Gold Rush Ballroom 2:00-5:00 PM Workshops WS 13- Experiential Approaches to Couples Therapy - Jeffrey Zeig Redwood Room WS 14 - The "Gentle/Tough" Art of Confrontation in Couples Therapy - Ellyn Bader Emerald Ballroom WS 15 - Love That Binds vs. The Love That Finds - Bennet Wong and Jock McKeen Gold Rush Ballroom 5:15-5:30 PM Closing Remarks Emerald Ballroom 5:15-6:15 PM Continuing Education Validation Convention Foyer LOVE & INTIMACY: TilE COUPLES CONFERENCE JUNE 12-14,2003 • SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA

The Couples Conferences have become a leading vehicle for CONTINUING EDUCATION ACCREDITATION learning the applications of the latest research on facilitating treatment with couples. AMA - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. is accredited At this Conference, you will learn from leading-edge theorists by the Accreditation Council for Continuing Medical Education and practitioners as they define, describe and discuss differing to provide continuing medical education for physicians. The approaches that initially promote closeness and those that Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. takes responsibility for the move toward managing difference and facilitating differentiation. content, quality and scientific integrity of this CME activity. By the end of this Conference, you will have advanced and The Milton H. Erickson Foundation designates this refined your own thinking about how to approach the challenge educational activity for a maximum of 22* hours in Category 1 of facilitating intimacy. credit toward the AMA Physician's Recognition Award. Each physician should claim only those hours of credit that s/he actually spent in the educational activity. PROGRAM OBJECTIVES APA - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. is approved 1. In working with couples, be able to directly address issues by the American Psychological Association to offer continuing of love and intimacy. education for psychologists. The Erickson Foundation 2. To compare and contrast clinical/theoretical perspectives maintains responsibility for the program. Credit is provided on and translate these into specific interventions. an hour-by-hour basis. (22* hours maximum) NBCC - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc., is WORKSHOP ON ETHICS recognized by the National Board for Certified Counselors A six-hour Laws & Ethics program, entitled Update for (Provider #5056) to offer continuing education for national Clinicians Working with Families and Children, will be included certified counselors. We adhere to the NBCC Continuing in the Conference and will run concurrently with the Couples Education Guidelines. This program provides a maximum of Conference sessions. You may elect to register for this 22* hours. workshop only. BBS - The Erickson Foundation is a board-approved The course is divided into a four-hour segment with an provider (PCE #398). This course meets the qualifications for additional two-hour segment for those who need six hours of 22.0 hours of continuing education credit for MFTs and/or Laws & Ethics for licensure. The course covers the necessary LCSWs as required by the Calif. Board of Behavioral topics for professional license renewal. Sciences. This special program will be presented by A. Stephen BRN - The Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. is approved Frankel, PhD, JD, Friday, June 13, 8:00AM - 12:00 Noon and by the Board of Registered Nursing in Calif. to offer continuing 1 :30 - 3:30 PM. education for nurses (Provider No. CEP 9376). This program is eligible for a maximum of 22.0* hours. ELIGIBILITY The Conference is open to professionals in health-related Licensed California Psychologists fields including physicians, doctoral-level psychologists and APA Sponsor credit is accepted for MCEP credit in dentists who are qualified for membership in, or are members California. CE credit only will be granted under the Milton H. of, their respective professional organizations (i.e. AMA, APA, Erickson Foundation APA Sponsor Approval. ADA) and to professionals with mental health-related graduate Psychologists will have to report their own attendance degrees (i.e. MSW, MA, MS, MSN) from accredited institutions. using the appropriate form and paying the required filing fee to Applications also will be accepted from full-time graduate the MCEP Accrediting Agency. Reporting forms will be students in accredited programs in the above fields who supply available at the Erickson Foundation Desk during the a letter from their department certifying their full-time student Conference. status as of June 2003.

SPONSORSHIP FINANCIAL DISPOSITION The Couples Conference is sponsored by the Milton H. Profits from the Conference will be used by the Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc., a federal nonprofit corporation Erickson Foundation to support its educational and scientific formed to promote and advance the contributions made to the efforts. health sciences by the late Milton H. Erickson, MD. Organizational assistance has been provided by The Couples Institute, Menlo Park, Calif., directed by Ellyn Bader, PhD and Onsite Registration Fees Peter Pearson, PhD. The Board of Directors of the Milton H. Erickson Foundation $450 for the entire Conference are Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD, Roxanna Erickson Klein, RN, PhD, Camillo Loriedo, MD, J. Charles Theisen, MA, MBA, JD and $175 per day (can include the Laws & Ethics Bernhard Trenkle, Dipl. Psych. Workshop on Friday) The Erickson Foundation does not discriminate on the basis $100 for the Laws and Ethics Workshop only of race, sex, color, national or ethnic origin. CONTINUING EDUCATION VALIDATION LITERATURE TABLES Literature tables are located in the registration area and Look for your Continuing Education forms other Conference areas. There is a charge to display in your on-site registration packet materials. Please ask the Erickson Foundation for permission Completed individual Workshop Evaluation forms will be to display literature on take-one tables. Unauthorized material submitted immediately following each workshop attended by will be removed . placing the completed form in drop-off boxes located at each workshop room. SITE AND ACCOMMODATIONS The Couples Conference will be held entirely within the Completed Application for Continuing Education Credit and Holiday Inn Nob Hill. The conference hotel and meeting General Evaluation forms may be validated at the Erickson rooms are accessible to people with disabilities. Desk when you are ready to leave the Conference. At the close of the Conference, there will be special check-out tables to PARKING expedite the CE validation process. You will receive your Parking for hotel guests is $15 per night with unlimited in Certificate of Attendance at that time. The Certificate will and out privileges. Day parking for commuters is $12 per day. validate the total number of credit hours earned. The Continuing Education Validation Desk will be open BOOKSTORE until 6:00 PM, Saturday, June 14 The bookstore at the Couples Conference features books You also may mail your paper work. Please do so prior to by the presenters, as well as related titles. The bookstore is June 25, 2003. located in Pacific Suites-California-Washington Rooms.

Full attendance at each session is required Bookstore Hours (Hours may vary) to receive CE credit. No partial credit will be awarded. Thursday 7:00 AM-6:30 PM Participants in CE activities will be made aware of any Friday 7:30AM-6:30PM affiliation or financial interest that may affect the speaker's presentation(s) . Each speaker has been requested to complete Saturday 8:00 AM-2:00 PM a conflict of interest statement. AUTHORS' HOUR & RECEPTION VOLUNTEERS A number of volunteers are assisting with the Couples Friday 5:15- 6:15PM Conference. They can be identified by their RED RIBBONS. in the Convention Foyer If you are asked to change seats to accommodate someone who is physically challenged, please do so. We appreciate the work done by the volunteers and appreciate your cooperation if they make special requests. AUDIOTAPE DESK Professionally recorded audiotapes are available at the IDENTIFICATION BADGE Audiotape Desk in the Convention Foyer. Tapes will be At the conference, each attendee is issued a name badge. ready for sale shortly after each presentation. Please wear your badge at all times while attending the Please note: Individual tape recording is not permitted. conference. Only persons who wear identification badges will be admitted to any of the scheduled programs or activities. Audiotape Desk Hours (Hours may vary) There will be a $5 charge to replace badges. Thursday 9:30 AM-6:00 PM SYLLABUS Friday 7:30 AM-6:30 PM The syllabus for the conference contains presentation Saturday 8:00 AM-6:00 PM descriptions, educational objectives, locations of events, workshop handouts and additional information. Replacement copies are available, while supplies last, for $5. SMOKING POLICY EXHIBIT BOOTHS Smoking is not allowed in meeting rooms or Exhibit booths are located in the Pacific Suites, Nevada Convention Foyer Oregon Rooms (Lower Lobby Level next to the Bookstore). Exhibitors include: The Couples Institute, Menlo Park, CA INFORMATION & MESSAGE BOARD Southern California Society for Ericksonian An information/message board will be located near the Psychotherapy and Hypnosis, Laguna Nigel, CA Registration Desk. Notices may be posted, but may be Letting Go Foundation, Portland, OR removed at the discretion of the Erickson Foundation. Pat Love & Associates, Austin, TX Emergency messages also will be posted on the board. The Meadows Institute, Wickenburg, AZ Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Phoenix, AZ LOST AND FOUND Exhibits will feature training videos, audiotapes, publications Please turn in found items to security at the Holiday Inn. If and upcoming training information. you have lost something, check with hotel security. If items are turned in to the Registration Desk, they will be given to the Exhibit Hours hotel security department at the close of the meeting. Thursday- 7:00AM-6:30PM Friday- 7:30AM-6:30PM Saturday- 8:00AM-2:00PM MEET THE FACULTY

ELLYN BADER, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice and co-director, with Peter Pearson, PhD, of the Couples Institute, Menlo Park, Calif. Dr. Bader has been conducting professional training programs in family therapy, couples therapy and transactional analysis for the past 20 years. Dr. Bader is past president of the International Transactional Analysis Association and has served as a consultant to various family therapy agencies. CAMFT awarded her The Clark Vincent Award in 1993. Her latest book is Tell Me No Lies.

LONNIE BARBACH, PhD, is clinical faculty, University of California Medical School, San Francisco, Calif. Her most recent books include For Yourself (revised), For Each Other (revised), The Pause (revised), Turn Ons, and Going the Distance.

A. STEPHEN FRANKEL, PhD, JD, is a licensed psychologist and attorney at law in Lafayette, Calif. He was named Instructor of the Year by Psycholegal Associates, 2000 and Fellow, International Society for the Study of Dissociation, 1999. Dr. Frankel is Diplomate in Clinical Psychology, American Board of Professional Psychology and Diplomate and Board Certified Expert, American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress.

DAVID GEISINGER, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Francisco, Calif. He is author of Kicking It: The New Way to Stop Smoking Permanently, and co-author of Going the Distance: Secrets to a Lifelong Love.

MARTY KLEIN, PhD, is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Sex Therapist. He trains large numbers of psychologists and physicians in human sexuality each year. Dr. Klein has written five books and publishes the provocative electronic newsletter, Sexual Intelligence. He has been honored by the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality.

PAT LOVE, EdD, is Distinguished Graduate Faculty and founder of Austin Family Institute. Dr. Love has authored and/or co authored professional publications and popular books, including Hot Monogamy, and The Truth About Love, and two video series, Living Love and Parenting with the Experts. Her humor and heart make her a popular national and international speaker and media guest.

CLOE MADANES, HDL, is Executive Director of the Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention in La Jolla, Calif. She is the author of five books that are classics in the field of therapy: Strategic Family Therapy, Behind the One-Way Mirror, Sex, Love and Violence, The Secret Meaning of Money, and The Violence of Men. She is Supervisor and Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and a renowned national and international speaker.

AYALA M. PINES, PhD, is director, the Behavioral Sciences program, School of Management, Ben-Gurion University, Beer Sheva, Israel. She is a clinical, social and organizational psychologist and citizen of both Israel and the USA. Her publications include 10 books, 20 book chapters and 70 research articles. Her books include, Falling In Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose, Jealousy: Causes, Consequences and Cures, and Couples Burnout: Causes and Cures.

TERRENCE REAL, LICSW, is a licensed family therapist and senior faculty member, the Family Institute of Cambridge, Watertown, Mass. and director of the Gender Relations Program, The Meadows Institute, Wickenburg, Ariz. He is author of I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. Mr. Real lectures nationally on men's issues and couples therapy.

JANIS ABRAHMS SPRING, PhD, ABPP, is a licensed psychotherapist in Westport, Connecticut and clinical supervisor, Department of Psychology, Yale University. She is author of the national bestseller, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. Her new book on forgiveness will be published in 2004. Dr. Spring is an expert in issues of trust, intimacy and forgiveness.

BENNET WONG, MD, FRCP (C) and JOCK McKEEN, MD, LicAc (UK), have blended their respective backgrounds in psychiatry and east/west medicine into an in-depth approach to self-development through relationships. They founded The Haven Institute, a residential educational centre on Canada's west coast. They are authors of six books, and subjects of the biography, Ben and Jock. Their couples workshop is the theme of the video series, Couples.

JEFFREY K. ZEIG, PhD, is founder and Director of the Milton H. Erickson Foundation, Inc. He has edited, co-edited, authored or his work is the subject of 16 professional books and five monographs. Dr. Zeig is the architect of the Brief Therapy and Evolution of Psychotherapy Conferences. He is the organizer of the eight International Congresses on Ericksonian Approaches to Hypnosis and Psychotherapy. He is co-organizer of the Couples Conferences. Dr. Zeig conducts workshops internationally, primarily teaching Ericksonian approaches . •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •: Come and Meet this Distinguished Faculty •: • at an INFORMAL RECEPTION and AUTHORS' HOUR • : Friday evening from 5:15-6:15 in the Convention Foyer : • There will be n1usic and a cash bar • ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• • ACTIVITIES OF THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION

TRAINING OPPORTUNITIES AUDIO AND VIDEO TAPES The Erickson Foundation organizes International The Milton H. Erickson Foundation has available for Congresses on Ericksonian Approaches to Hypnosis and purchase professionally recorded audiotapes from its Psychotherapy. These meetings have been held in Phoenix meetings. Professionally produced videocassettes of one in 1980, 1983, 1986, 1992,1999 and 2001; in San Francisco hour clinical demonstrations by members of the faculty of the in 1988 and in Los Angeles in 1994. In 1993, the Foundation 1981, 1982, 1984, 1989 and 1997 Erickson Foundation sponsored the Brief Therapy Conference in Orlando. Another Seminars, and the 1983, 1986, 1988, 1992, 1994 and 1999 Brief Therapy Conference was held in December 1996 in San Erickson Congresses also can be purchased from the Francisco. The third Brief Therapy Conference was held in Foundation. 1998 in New York City. The fourth Brief Therapy Conference, Audiotapes and videocassettes from the 1985, 1990, 1995 held in Orlando, Florida, December 2002 was the highest and 2000 Evolution of Psychotherapy Conferences, and the rated conference in the history of the Erickson Foundation. 1993,1996, 1998 and 2002 Brief Therapy Conferences also Each was attended by approximately 2,000 professionals. are available from the Foundation. In the intervening years, the Foundation organizes national seminars. The four-day seminars are limited to AUDIOTAPES OF MILTON H. ERICKSON, M.D. approximately 450 attendees, and they emphasize skill The Erickson Foundation distributes tapes of lectures by development in hypnotherapy. The 1981, 1982, 1984 and Milton H. Erickson from the 1950s and 1960s when his voice 1997 seminars were held in San Francisco, Dallas, Los was strong. Releases in our audiotape series are announced Angeles and Phoenix, respectively. In 1989, the Foundation in the Newsletter. celebrated its 1Oth Anniversary with a training seminar in Phoenix. TRAINING VIDEOTAPES FEATURING A The Milton H. Erickson Foundation organized the first Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference in 1985 in Phoenix. HYPNOTIC INDUCTION CONDUCTED BY It was hailed as a landmark conference in the history of MILTON H. ERICKSON, M.D. psychotherapy. Faculty included Beck, the late Bruno The Process of Hypnotic Induction: A Training Videotape Bettleheim, the late Murray Bowen, Ellis, M. Goulding, the late Featuring Inductions Conducted by Milton H. Erickson in 1964. Robert Goulding, Haley, the late Ronald D. Laing, Lazarus, Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D., discusses the process of hypnotic Madanes, Marmor, Masterson, the late Rollo May, Minuchin, induction and describes the microdynamics of techniques that Moreno, E. Polster, the late Miriam Polster, the late Carl Erickson used in his 1964 inductions. Rogers, Rossi, the late Virginia Satir, Szasz, Watzlawick, the In Symbolic Hypnotherapy, Dr. Jeffrey Zeig presents late Carl Whitaker, the late Lewis Walberg, the late Joseph information on using symbols in psychotherapy and hypnosis. Wolpe and Zeig. Segments of hypnotherapy conducted by Milton H. Erickson This conference was repeated in 1990 in Anaheim, Calif., with the same subject on two consecutive days in 1978 are with a similar faculty including Bugental, Glasser, Hillman, the shown. Dr. Zeig discusses the microdynamics of Erickson's late Helen Singer Kaplan, Lowen, Meichenbaum and the late symbolic technique. Mara Selvini Palazzoli. Keynote addresses were given by the Videotapes are available in all formats, in American and late Viktor Frankl and Betty Friedan. foreign standards. For information on purchasing tapes, The Erickson Foundation jointly sponsored the European contact the Erickson Foundation. Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference, July 27-31, 1994, in Hamburg, Germany. This Conference offered a faculty PUBLICATIONS similar to previous Evolution meetings with the addition of Frankl, Gendlin, Grawe, Kernberg, Meyer, Stierlin and Yalom. OF THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION The December 1995 Evolution of Psychotherapy The following books are published by and can be ordered Conference was held in Las Vegas, Nev., and featured the through Brunner/Routledge Publishers, Inc., 1900 Frost Road, same faculty. Gloria Steinem offered the keynote address. Suite 101, Bristol, PA 19007; 1-800-821-8312. The Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference returned to A Teaching Seminar with Milton Erickson (J. Zeig, Ed. and Anaheim, Calif. for the May 2000 Conference. Keynotes were Commentary) is a transcript with commentary, of a one-week given by Elliot Aronson and Herbert Benson. teaching seminar held for professionals by Dr. Erickson in his The Phoenix Intensive Programs, with Fundamental, home in August 1979. (Dutch, German, Italian, Japanese, Intermediate and Advanced (supervision) levels, are available Portuguese, Spanish and Russian translations available.) to qualified professionals and are held regularly. Ericksonian Approaches to Hypnosis and Psychotherapy (J. Regional workshops and the Intensive Programs are Zeig, Ed.) contains the edited proceedings of the first announced in the Foundation's Newsletter. The Foundation International Erickson Congress. (Out of print.) provides training/supervision for professionals. Ericksonian Psychotherapy, Volume 1: Structures; Volume II: Clinical Applications (J. Zeig, Ed.) contain the edited ERICKSON ARCHIVES proceedings of the Second International Erickson Congress. In December 1980, the Foundation began collecting (Out of print.) audiotapes, videotapes and historical material on Dr. The Evolution of Psychotherapy (J. Zeig, Ed.) contains the Erickson for the Erickson Archives. The goal is to have a edited proceedings of the 1985 Evolution of Psychotherapy central repository of historical material on Erickson. More Conference. (German and Japanese translations available.) than 300 hours of videotape and audiotape have been Developing Ericksonian Therapy: State of the Art (J. Zeig & S. donated to the Foundation. The Erickson Archives are Lankton, Eds.) contains the edited proceedings of the Third available to interested and qualified professionals who wish to International Erickson Congress. come to Phoenix to independently study the audiotapes and The Evolution of Psychotherapy: The Second Conference (J. videotapes that are housed at the Foundation. There is a Zeig, Ed.) contains the edited proceedings of the 1990 nominal charge for use of the Archives. Please call or write Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference. for further details and to make advance arrangements to use the Archives. Brief Therapy: Myths, Methods & Metaphors ( J. Zeig & S. FOUNDATION NEWSLETTER Gilligan, Eds.) contains the edited proceedings of the Fourth The Milton H. Erickson Foundation publishes a newsletter International Erickson Congress. for professionals three times a year to inform its readers of Ericksonian Methods: The Essence of the Stoty ( J. Zeig, Ed.) the activities of the Foundation. Articles and notices that relate contains the edited proceedings of the Fifth International to Ericksonian approaches to hypnosis and psychotherapy are Erickson Congress. included and should be sent to karen@erickson The Evolution of Psychotherapy: The Third Conference (J . foundation.org. Zeig), ED.) contains the edited proceeding of the 1995 Business and subscription matters should be directed to the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference. Erickson Foundation at 3606 N. 24th Street, Phoenix, AZ 85016-6500; [email protected]. The following book is published by Jessey-Bass, Inc. and can be ordered through the Erickson Foundation: What is Psychotherapy?: Contemporaty Perspectives ( J. Zeig ERICKSON INSTITUTES & W. M. Munion, Eds.) contains the edited commentaries of There are 105 Milton H. Erickson Institutes/Societies in the 81 eminent clinicians. United States and abroad that have permission to use Erickson's name in the title of their organization. Institutes THE ERICKSONIAN MONOGRAPHS provide clinical services and professional training. There are The foundation is sponsor of The Ericksonian Institutes in major cities in North America, South America, Monographs. The highest quality articles on Ericksonian Europe, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and the hypnosis and psychotherapy are included in The Philippines. Monographs. Ten issues were published under the editorship of Stephen Lankton. The Monograph series evolved into the WEBSITE Annual of Brief Therapy. The Erickson Foundation has a website featuring detailed information about the Foundation and its activities. Our THE SEMINARS OF MILTON H. ERICKSON website originally was designed and developed by Stephen To commemorate the Centennial Celebration of Erickson, Lankton, MSW, LMFT, DAHB. The current Webmaster is the Foundation launched a new professional series of books Erickson Foundation Program Manager, Jeannine Elder. The and audio recordings of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. The first in website can be reached at http://www.erickson-foundation.org. this series is a seminar conducted in 1962 in San Diego, California. MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION STAFF CURRENT THINKING AND RESEARCH IN BRIEF THERAPY Jeannine Elder - Program Manager/Faculty & Institutes Current Thinking and Research in Brief Therapy: Coord./Webmaster/Graphic Design Solutions, Strategies and Narratives. Evolving from the Karen Haviley - Marketing Manager/ Newsletter Production Ericksonian Monographs, this series contains only the highest quality articles on brief therapy theory, practice and research . Stacey Moore - Bookkeeper Volumes I, II and Ill are available from Brunner/Routledge. Dan Short, PhD - Associate Director/Archives Virginia Toye - Admin. Assistant/Volunteer Coord. NEWSLETTER STAFF Vanessa Turpin - Registrar/AV & Press Sales Richard Landis, PhD - Executive Editor Susan Velasco - Business Manager/Cont. Ed. Coord./ Sharon Mclaughlin, MA - Managing Editor Intensive Training Coord.

THE MILTON H. ERICKSON FOUNDATION PRESS For more than 20 years the Erickson Foundation has provided internationally renowned training programs for mental health care providers. Now the Foundation presents a veritable library of printed, audio, video and CD resources to support and extend that knowledge base. LOOK FOR PRESS CATALOGUES ON TAKE-ONE TABLES AT THE COUPLES CONFERENCE!

CONTACT INFORMATION The Milton H. Erickson Foundation PRESS 3606 N. 24th Street, Phoenix, AZ 85016-6500 Tel: 602-956-6196 Fax: 602-956-0519 [email protected] www. erickson-foundation. erg/press www. erickson-foundation. org/SpeciaiOffers. htm LOVE & INTIMACY: THE COUPLES CONFERENCE THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2003

7:00~:15AM REGISTRATION Convention Foyer

8:15~:30AM OPENING REMARKS Emerald Ballroom Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD and Ellyn Bader, PhD 8:30-9:30 AM KEYNOTE ADDRESS Emerald Ballroom K1 How We Choose the Lovers We Choose and Why This Question is Important for Couples Therapists Ayala Pines, PhD The question of with whom people choose to fall in love has received great scientific attention in psychology. Two branches are responsible for much of this interest; social psychology and clinical psychology. Social psychology explains how people fall in love (what are the conditions that increase the likelihood of attraction) and relies on research. Clinical psychology explains why people fall in love with a particular person (and not with another who seems more appropriate) and relies on psychoanalytic theory. It is important for couples therapists to be familiar with the contributions of both approaches. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the main studies in social psychology and clinical psychology that address our romantic choices. 2) Given a couple in therapy, show how these theories and studies can contribute to treatment.

9:45 AM-12:45 PM WORKSHOPS 1 - 3 WS1 Gold Rush Getting Off to a Powerful Start Ballroom Ellyn Bader, PhD It is not as easy as it seems to be effective in early interviews with couples. Therapists are often asked to collude with partner's unrealistic expectations. Learn to succeed in early sessions instead of creating unnecessary traps. This will include setting the trajectory for treatment, identifying developmental dilemmas, uncovering stifling paradoxes and setting collaborative goals. Educational Objectives: 1) To name six essential elements of the first interview. 2) To describe vision-setting as a mechanism to shift couples away from destructive/ blaming cycles.

WS2 Redwood Room Relationships Make Me Sick! Jock McKeen, MD and Bennet Wong, MD In an ideal healthy relationship, the energy between partners flows freely. When people block that flow, states of dis-ease and illness can result. Only recently has biological science corroborated this ancient notion in exciting new discoveries. Ben and Jock will outline the algorithms for wellness and illness, with emphasis on practical solutions. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the relationship between illness and health states and relationship dynamics. 2) To describe a practical model for healing in relationships.

WS 3 Emerald Ballroom The Silent Divorce: Anxiety, Depression and Relationships Pat Love, EdD If one person in a relationship is depressed, the divorce rate goes up nine times. Without an understanding of the complexities of depression and anxiety, therapists and clients alike can be disappointed in the progress of therapy. Come explore the symptoms, sequela and strategies for preventing the silent divorce. Educational Objectives: To define the typical and atypical symptoms of depression. 2) To define the typical and atypical symptoms of anxiety.

12:45-2:00 PM LUNCH THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2003

2:00-5:00 PM WORKSHOPS 4 - 6

WS4 Gold Rush Existential Issues in Sexuality: A Challenge for Patients and Therapists Alike Ballroom Marty Klein, PhD Existential issues are internal conflicts arising from the ongoing, inescapable confrontation with the givens of existence, isolation, powerlessness and meaninglessness. The way people defend themselves from these painful struggles shape the behavior and thinking - the "symptoms" - that bring them into therapy. Unwittingly colluding to avoid facing our own existential struggles, well-meaning therapists may spend endless hours attempting to fix stubborn genitalia or libido, leading to treatment failures. This presentation examines a practical framework within which clinicians can identify, explore and resolve these common, intense, but often unaddressed, challenges. Educational Objectives: To describe how existential issues affect sexual function. 2) To describe two clinical interventions in sexual situations that deal with existential issues.

WS 5 Redwood Room Keeping the Spark Alive: How to Prevent Burnout in Love and Marriage Ayala Pines, PhD When two people are in love, it seems like the magical spark between them will last forever. However, with the effects of everyday pressures and stresses, the love is eroded and eventually burns out. How can this insidious process of love's erosion be prevented? A series of structured exercises will demonstrate the connection between the unconscious reasons for participant's romantic choices and the causes of their couple burnout. This connection can be used to help couples rekindle the romance in their relationship. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the Couples Burnout Model. 2) To describe three structured exercises that can be used in the context of couples therapy to identify the core issue of the couple's problems.

WS 6 Emerald Ballroom Twelve Strategies for Solving Marital Problems Cloe Madanes, HDL Madanes will present step-by-step procedures for solving a variety of marital problems from communication difficulties to issues about money, depression, psychosomatic symptoms and violence. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe two procedures for solving communication difficulties about money. 2) To describe two procedures for solving communication difficulties about depression.

5:15-6:15 PM CONVERSATION HOUR CH1 Gold Rush Viagra: Part of the Solution or Part of the Problem? Ballroom Marty Klein, PhD Millions of men and their partners use Viagra or other erectogenics such as injections. For some they facilitate intimacy, pleasure and comfort. For others, however, the drugs exacerbate problems of power, communication and resentment. Physicians are contributing to the problem by prescribing these drugs without properly evaluating or preparing patients. The media encourages unrealistic expectations, and therapists often shy away from talking about what really goes on in pharmaceutically-assisted sexual interactions. How many therapists are willing to challenge a patient or couple absolutely determined to use Viagra or similar drugs in an inappropriate relationship or psychological circumstances? In this hour Dr. Klein will discuss how the drugs work, when and why they don't, how patients experience them, how therapists can prepare patients for using them, and how to deal with the dreadful aftermath of "Viagra failures." He will also talk about how therapists unintentionally contribute to patient's unrealistic expectations, how Viagra stimulates therapists' gender stereotypes, and alternatives to Viagra and the medical model of sexual dysfunction. Educational Objective: To learn the pros and cons of advising patients who are interested in using erectogenic drugs. FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2003

8:00 AM-12:00 N LAWS & ETHICS WORKSHOP - Part 1

LE1 Redwood Room Laws and Ethics Update for Clinicians Working with Children and Families Steven Frankel, PhD, JD The Laws and Ethics Workshop covers emerging legal and ethical issues for mental health practitioners of all disciplines. The four-hour morning program addresses issues including confidentiality and privilege, note-taking, record keeping, coping with subpoenas, the impact of professional society ethical codes on regulation of mental health practice and liability exposure with suicidal patients. Educational Objectives: 1) To name two ethical issues involving confidentiality and privilege. 2) To name two legal issues involving coping with subpoenas.

9:00 AM-12:00 N WORKSHOPS 7 - 9

WS7 Gold Rush A After the Affair: Sexual Intimacy and Forgiveness Janis A. Spring, PhD In this workshop concrete strategies are provided for rebuilding trust and sexual intimacy after an affair or other interpersonal violations. Why some partners forgive too easily, while others see forgiveness as impossible will be addressed through didactic material and an experiential exercise. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe one way partners can begin to rekindle trust after an affair. 2) To describe two ways to help partners who find forgiveness impossible.

WSB Gold Rush 8 Loving Dangerously: Pathways to Intimacy Lonnie Barbach, PhD and David Geisinger, PhD This workshop will present Dr. Geisinger's four-part theory of the Dialogue to Intimacy. We will describe how to enable partners in couples to talk with each other in a way that permits them to more rapidly and effectively resolve issues and attain a deep level of healing and intimacy. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the new approach to couples therapy based upon the analysis of the complex dialogue to achieve healing and intimacy. 2) To name three ways to encourage renewed vulnerability and safety between partners.

WS9 Emerald Ballroom Reconnecting Men and Women: The Crisis in Intimacy Terrence Real, LICSW During this workshop, Terry Real will discuss the crisis in intimate relations.He will share his philosophy, treatment techniques and skills used to help restore intimacy in relationships. Drawing from his research on boy's and girl's development, he constructs a revolutionary therapy designed to help men and women move beyond "psychological patriarchy" to recapture authentic passion. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe the research on male and female psychological development that supports Relational Recovery Therapy. 2) To describe how "psychological patriarchy" damages boys and girls.

12:00 N-1:30 PM LUNCH

1 :30-3:30 PM LAWS & ETHICS WORKSHOP -Part 2

LE2 Redwood Room Laws and Ethics Update for Clinicians Working with Children and Families Steven Frankel, PhD, JD This afternoon program focuses more closely on the needs of clinicians who work with children and families, as those professionals fall into particularly high risk groups. topics include confidentiality and privilege for children, coping with high conflict divorce/custody families, the regressive impact of the regulatory environment on family therapy in particular, supervision/consultation issues that arise for professionals whose agency positions may include functions that conflict with ethical codes. Educational Objectives: 1) To name two ethical issues involving confidentiality and privilege with children and families. 2) To name two legal issues involving supervision/consultation issues. FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2003

1 :30-2:30 PM PANELS & CONVERSATION HOUR Topical Panel Educational Objective: To compare and contrast clinical and

TP 1 Gold Rush B Working with Your Partner- Ellyn Bader & Peter Pearson, Lonnie Barbach & David Geisinger, Jock McKeen & Bennet Wong TP 2 Emerald Ballroom Relationship Renewal- Pat Love, Cloe Madanes, Terrence Real Conversation Hour Educational Objective: To learn the philosophies of various practitioners and theorists. CH 2 Gold Rush A Ues and Secrets- Janis A. Spring 2:45-3:45 PM PANELS & CONVERSATION HOUR TP3 Gold Rush B Different Kinds of Sexual Excitement- Jock McKeen & Bennet Wong, Lonnie Barbach & David Geisinger, Marty Klein TP4 Emerald Ballroom Crises Between Men and Women- Terrence Real, Ayala Pines CH 3 Gold Rush A Working with a Passive-Aggressive Partner- Peter Pearson 4:00-5:00 PM KEYNOTE ADDRESS K2 Emerald Ballroom After the Affair: Trauma and Reconciliation Janis A. Spring, PhD Infidelity is not necessarily about sex, but about secrets and the violation of trust. In this keynote, Dr. Spring will present three critical conditions which unfaithful partners must meet to help hurt partners recover from the traumas of infidelity. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how hurt and unfaithful partners respond differently to an affair. 2) Given a couple, describe how partners can make a cognitive, not an emotional, decision about whether to recommit.

Enjoy n1eeting the presenters and your colleagues FRIDAYat5:15 PM in the CONVENTION FOYER There will be a cash bar and n1usic Presenters will be happy to sign their books which you have purchased or brought fron1 hon1e SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2003

8:30-9:30 AM KEYNOTE ADDRESS K3 Emerald Ballroom Dilemmas of Marriage Cloe Madanes, HDL Madanes will discuss the possibilities and constraints of marriage with an emphasis on hidden sources of power, hierarchical inequities, malignant symmetry and conflicts of values. The irrational, involuntary aspects of marriage will be discussed together with tacit contracts and negotiations, the parameters of love and control, and problems with success. Educational Objectives: 1) To name three constraints of marriage. 2) To name three involuntary aspects of marriage.

9:45 AM-12:45 PM WORKSHOPS 10-12 Workshop 10 Redwood Room Ericksonian Methods to Empower Couples Jeffrey Zeig, PhD Ericksonian methods of psychotherapy and hypnosis can be applied to the treatment of couples. Techniques include tailoring, gift wrapping, anecdotes, metaphors and indirect suggestion. Videotapes and case examples will be used to help attendees master principles of assessment and treatment. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe elements of the process of Ericksonian therapy as applied to couples. 2) To name the facets of the Ericksonian Diamond.

Workshop 11 Emerald Ballroom Using Neuro-Affective Therapy™ to Help Couples Pat Love, EdD Many therapeutic approaches to couples therapy involve engaging the rational part of the brain-unfortunately the neocortex is not in charge of relationships most of the time. This workshop will focus on strategies that influence the limbic system as well as the affective responses which follow. Experiential exercises and demonstrations will be used. Educational Objectives: 1) To define the tenets of Neuro-Affective Therapy™. 2) To explain the aspects of brain function.

Workshop 12 Gold Rush Ballroom A Typology of Couples - Problems and Solutions Cloe Madanes, HDL Madanes will describe twelve types of couples' relationships and will explain step by-step procedures for resolving characteristic problems of each type. Educational Objectives: 1) To name twelve types of couples' relationships. 2) To describe procedures for resolving characteristic problems of each type.

12:45-2:00 PM LUNCH 2:00-5:00 PM WORKSHOPS 13-15 Workshop 13 Redwood Room Experiential Approaches to Couples Therapy Jeffrey Zeig, PhD Couples change by virtue of the therapeutic experiences they have rather than the psychotherapy they are given. In this "playshop" we will learn experiential methods that can be applied to any couples therapy regardless of the orientation of the clinician. Educational Objectives: 1) Given a couples problem, devise an experiential solution. 2) List the rationale for using experiential methods.

Workshop 14 Emerald Ballroom The Gentle/Tough Art of Confrontation in Couples Therapy Ellyn Bader, PhD Couples therapy with difficult couples is a therapy of confrontation. Individual therapy confrontation skills are usually not sufficient for the task at hand. This will be a "hands on" workshop where you will be asked to stretch yourself to improve your ability to make both gentle and tough confrontations. Educational Objectives: 1) To name five problems that make a committed partnership untenable. 2) To describe how to build a confrontation over time. SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2003

2:00-5:00 PM WORKSHOPS 13-15 continued Workshop 15 Gold Rush The Love That Binds vs. The Love That Finds Ballroom Bennet Wong, MD and Jock McKeen, MD Even though the three simple words "I love you" are a part of the lexicon of most people, their meaning shifts form time to time and from circumstance to circumstance. Even though most people don't fully understand the specific meaning in any one such circumstance, they prefer not to seek clarity. Instead, they interpret the meaning in the way that they need to. In this way, possibilities for real intimacy are often missed, to be replaced with struggle and conflict. This workshop will offer insights and experiences that can help clinicians to enable intimacy and growth in couples, as opposed to control and security. Examples of this approach will be shown in videotape segments from an actual couples workshop. Educational Objectives: 1) To describe how to enhance intimate communication in couples. 2) To describe the objectives of healthy relationships.

5:15-5:30 PM CLOSING REMARKS Emerald Ballroom 5:00-6:00 PM CONTINUING EDUCATION VALIDATION* Convention Foyer *Validation of Continuing Education forms will be held throughout the Conference and ends at 6:00 PM Saturday. After attending ALL sessions for which they are requesting continuing education credits, attendees may submit the completed evaluation forms to the Erickson Foundation CE Validation Desk. Attendees will receive a Certificate of Attendance showing the total number of CE credit hours they have earned. FULL ATTENDANCE AT EACH SESSION IS REQUIRED TO RECEIVE CE CREDIT

These Books Will Increase Your Effectiveness As A Therapist! Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice: A Revolutionary Program to Counter Negative Thoughts conquer your and Live Free From Imagined Limitations crit ca Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., and Joyce Catlett, M.A . • 1 n n e r Learning to deal effectively with one's critical inner voice is central to all areas of life: • personal development, healthy relationships, self-esteem and self-confidence, creative v o _...1 c e endeavors, and career success. This book features exercises that provide new insights into _._ ___ ..,.. ,.____ ... -·-- _ ---·---- sexual relationships and intimacy issues, and that can improve couple relationships. Fear of Intimacy Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D. and Joyce Catlett, M.A. Written in clear, jargon-free language, Fear of Intimacy challenges the usual ways of thinking about couples and families. This book shows how therapists can help couples identify and overcome the messages of the internal "voice" that fosters distortions of the self and loved ones. The authors' innovative approach will be of interest to therapists and couples alike. Both books available for sale at the Conference Bookstore

Books also available at all local and online bookstores For more information: www.glendon.org or (800) 663-5281 WORKSHOP HANDOUTS

ELLYN BADER, PhD _/1j THE~~:\\ C oun es riNSTITUTE

Refine your skills Increase your effectiveness Discover the rewards of couples therapy Clinical Consultation Groups at The Couples Institute

The Foundation of Couples Therapy

This group lays the foundation for therapists wanting to work with the developmental model of couples therapy. Participants learn how to assess common couples problems, how to normalize problems to couples and how to create a collaborative approach to change. Topics include: the initial interview, diagnosis and assessment qf couples stages, establishing goals in couples therapy, the initiator-inquirer process, working with hostile-dependent and conflict avoidant couples, passive-aggressive partners, and narcissistic and borderline individuals in couples therapy.

Meets once a month from Sept.-May, on Mondays, 10:00 am-12 noon, $90 per session

Intermediate Level-Emphasis on the highly distressed couple.

This is a very interactive group with role-plays, videotapes and work to strengthen your own resilience. You will learn to become very active while still respecting your clients' goals and value systems. You will also learn to interrupt a client's inexhaustible ability to whine, blame and withdraw, and how to thwart their attempts to persuade you to reform their partner.

Meets once a month from Sept.-May, on Thursdays, 10:00 am-12 noon, $90 per session

Advanced Groups: Confronting Regression and Facilitating Collaboration

Hostile couples challenge therapists with their aggressive interactions, their demands for intimacy, and their sensitivity to confrontation. This consultation group is designed to help you learn to confront entrenched symbiotic partners more effectively. Also learn to manage regression, support repair and uncover vulnerability.

Meets 4 times between September and May, on Fridays from 9am-5pm, $245 per session

For information or to register, visit our website www.Couplesinstitute.com or call our office (650) 327-5915, toll free (877) 327-5915

And sign up for your FREE subscription to the "Practice Development Dispatch." Every month you'll receive tips from Ellyn and Peter on the best ways to counsel and build your practice. What To Do Prior To The First Session

Getting Off to a Powerful Start • Spend Time on Telephone In Couples Therapy • Define Expectations for First Session • E)(plain What You Will Provide and Ellyn Bader What You Will Expect The Couples Institute • Formulate Homework Specific to 445 Burgess Drive. Menlo Puk, Ca.94025 6501327-5915/www.couplesinstitute.com their Situation

Principles that guide your Essential in First Interview Interventions Make Contact with each Partner Understand the Problem • Make Contact-Each partner feels Name Feelings being Experienced understood • Assess type of MotivatiOn of each Empathically Embellish Them partner Describe the Destructive Cycle • Disrupt the Symbiosis Offer a Direction including defining • Align yourself with each Individual not Autonomous Change the relationship _ lnafina u. ...

Guiding Principles Light the Fire

n Test amount of Confrontation and a F .. Focua. •• what d• you Directness each partner will accept want to create togetberlladlvidully n Ask Questions to Identify Hypocrisies that are keeping the problem going l·lntetvit>'··· .Am I beiDa the ldnd ofpartller I n Provide enough atructure to keep the waattobe IntervieW moving forward In your desired direction (Be non-reactive to their system) R-Reflectfon and n Lay Foundation for Positive Changes and Research•.•• Why b my Effective Goal Setting partaer 10 dlatnued E-Kmpatlay and Therapy Tasks of Early Sessions Therapist Defines Self n Denne yourself as a Coach/Resource n ActiVe Intervention n Change comes from them.Set goals n Coach n Describe the defense, the vulnerability, n Travel agent and how they want to be n Concise feedback about where I see you being stuck n Define Problem of External Locus of Control n Skills to move forward n Equal opportunity confrontatlon..from you n Work Systemically untH breakdowns tome as well occur-then move to Individuals n What to read

What Therapist Expects Effective Goals n Come to sessions prepared-with an 1. They an oiJeuva'ble agenda and ooDiaha action, bebavior or fact n Do homework J. Penon bull;lldiYatlon n Be honest with me to accompJIU it. a. Go.JlelMlvldaaJly n Focus on self- not partner •••• foc-cl.... .aot I have no skHis for changing your depencleat oa partner••• f have lots of skills for helping pan-r ... Goal& call he you make any adjustments/changes you -u.dlctory desire I. Foc1111ed ill lmpuee. of p.-eatlll. problem.

Effective Goals Lead To ...... Questions To Ask On Phone

1. Sell reflection and ~~elf n What do you need do/change In eonf.roatatio~t-Wbat ate to their val_, order to become a more effective 2.1mply • cbanp aee4ed in their reuUvlty partner? paiteftl n How/Why will doing that be diffiCult 3. SeHa.etloJt-some standard ol'bebarior for you? 4. Partllen hcd.U.. .._lves aceoaata'ble n How motivated are you to do it? 5. Elaphula la Oil aatoDOIIIIIJQ& chaap Therapist's Focus with the The Motivated Partner Motivated Partner

• Is willing to change • Will articulate problems and goals • Empathize with their concerns • Will experiment and take action • Present partner back to them in a different/positive light • Often is ready or desirous of • Ask this person to do the most disrupting the symbiosis changing at the beginning • Motivated partner leaves with feeling- there is something I can do

The Unmotivated-Motivated Therapist's Focus with the Partner Unmotivated-Motivated Partner ' • Will present themselves as motivated for • Help articulate problem for change themselves clearly • May be motivated primarily out of a desire • Remember will want to set goals for to change the partner partner rather than self • May have lots of pain and unresolved grief over past Incidents and believe the • Shift focus of change from other to partner owes it to him/her to do something self now • Identify self defeating nature of this • May want to solidify the symbiosis rather position than differentiate

Therapist's Focus with the The Unmotivated Partner Unmotivated Partner

• May not identify problems and won't • Talk to this partner second want to set goals • Give unexpected strokes .. .I appreciate your willingness to be here • Doesn't see need for couples therapy • Describe some of their partner's • Expects to be blamed or has given contribution to the problem without blame up • "I won't ask you to change" - you can understand without changing • Don't ask this partner to change first • Look for unique personal reasons for changing or not changing 1

Therapist Observes:

___. Unfolding circumstance in couples Jife

__._.. Unfolcling interaction in office 2

5 Therapist takes into account: Act> Test> Regroup ~ ~ Evaluate based on. unfo1dircg intenction. T BackupJR.ecalibmte Confrontation T Start apin Cycle ~

Make a decision: 3

* Decide on the type of coDfrontation: - soft -tough -mdirect -empe.thetic Take time to analyze. synthesize. think -hard -bonmhell

*Decide who smuld make it: • Cen pumer make it or you? -therapist -partner • How much time is left in session? *Have some idea as to hlw fu you will take it

Impact of Impact of p roblem siymbiosis Passivity Regression Aggress1on Confrontations Soft

Empathic

Gentle/ Tough

Indirect

Hard

Bombshell

Impact of Impact of p ro bl em siymbiOSIS Passivity Regression Aggress1on Confrontations Soft

Empathic

Gentle/ Tough

Indirect

Hard

Bombshell Therapeutic Confrontation

Confrontation- A technique used in ... therapy in which one is forced to recognize one 's shortcomings and their possible consequences. Definition from Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, 2001

Soft- a very mild mention of the problem. It may be mentioned week by week. (It seems like a lot of fights occur when you've been drinking .....but then you move on in the session)

Empathic -Therapist names feelings that are barely expressed. Therapist keeps coming back to feelings or emotional state of client-repeats. Used to expose and describe impasses-2 chair dialogues, denied feelings

Gentle, but Tough-Confrontation is made kindly, with a smile, even with preparation, but it does not shy away from a tough subject. It exposes very dysfunctional thoughts or behavior and makes these very explicit.

Indirect-"Bank Shot"-Confrontation made by what is said to partner A about partner B.

Hardffough- This type of confrontation is purposefully designed to make the client feel anxious or uncomfortable. You persist in holding up a mirror to show the outcome and results of what they are doing.

The Bombshell- This type of confrontation is so strong/ so intense/ so powerful that the client has to attend or respond to it. It is unavoidable. This might involve the use of a metaphor or setting a limit or making treatment contingent on a change.

ACCOUNTABILITY- Accountability refers to follow through. Do partners usually do what they say they will do? Saying a quick yes in the moment to avoid conflict and then not completing a task undermines a partner's credibility over time. In fact, partners who are particularly close to one another sometimes hesitate to hold one another accountable precisely because they fear disrupting the attachment. Eventually this leads to deterioration in the partners' capacity to work together successfully. Over time, this can lead to the demise of the relationship as partners get angry and resentful. This intensifies as one partner becomes increasingly upset about being out of integrity with their own values and the other becomes increasingly passive-aggressive.

TRUST-Trust erodes as a direct result of lies, deception and no credibility. Felony lies are the most extreme. These abuse the commitment/attachment and are the hardest to overcome. An enormous amount of deception exists in relationships:

a) Self deception about how much honesty a partner can tolerate and will initiate b) Deception about the level of self development

CONFLICT- All great relationships that last over time require productive conflict in order to grow. It is important to distinguish productive conflict from destructive fighting and destructive escalating interaction. It is ironic that many partners avoid constructive conflict under the pretense that "they are trying not to hurt the other person's feelings." Productive conflict enables the relationship to grow and avoid boredom. Without a mechanism for resolving conflict and incorporating both people into the solutions, the relationship will become non-viable. Partners who develop successful ways of managing conflict and negotiating effective solutions will feel increasingly intimate.

DENIAL ABOUT IMPACT OF REGRESSION-When one partner refuses to function as an adult, this can have a devastating impact on a committed partnership. (Common examples are refusing to work, think about money, participate in household chores or parenting). The impact is even worse when this partner pretends that their behavior is insignificant. Frequently they will attack the partner for being too parental, too judgmental or too righteous. Denying how regression impacts the partnership is lethal to healthy growth in interdependent areas of the relationship

COMMITMENT- Commitment is a function of clarity, holding onto the big picture, and being able to remember a long-term view. Effective partner's know and remember that since they are committed for the long term, it is advisable to negotiate effectively and collaborate. This means everyone's ideas are genuinely considered, which then creates a willingness to rally around whatever decision is ultimately made. Commitment is communicated verbally and nonverbally. Without commitment and collaboration, all the internal systems will begin to unravel

@Coyright 2003 The Couples Institute, www.couplesinstitute.com Blatant Rationalizations

Confrontation is necessary when symbiotic rationalizations show up spontaneously in the couple's dialogue.

Examples:

1. "I've spent my whole life taking care of others. Now it is my turn." (rationalizes angry demands and position that it is ok to sit back and do nothing) 2. "After all I've done, why should I have to exert myself." (rationalizes regression) 3. "You owe it to me." (rationalizes a symbiotic 1 up position) 4. "We have a communication problem." (may rationalize hyper-reactivity)

Subtle Rationalizations

Sometimes partners hold beliefs that include a deception-delude themselves in order to maintain the status quo. These may be more subtle.

Examples:

1. "We can talk about anything" 2. "We will always be there for each other" 3. "We are equal- our relationship is 50-50" (Pretense ofequality). 4. "We have an equal relationship" (Discounts reality ofhierarchy-often will deny or minimize the hierarchy and the implications of it on the relationship)

Issues for Therapist to pay attention to when making a confrontation

1. Who should make the confrontation-the therapist or the partner?

2. Countertransference issues that might be operating in therapist

3. Affect and mood of the therapist

4. Level of confrontation necessary to create movement

5. How far you are willing to take it

When a therapist confronts a client, the more fragile/brittle or sensitive the ego, the harder it will be for the client to hear what to do differently without feeling criticized. Yet for sustained change to occur, you can not cater to or be reactive to their hostility or regression. When you reach this point, how you use yourself is very important

1. Prepare client for a tough confrontation

2. Remember often you do not have a receptive audience

3. Do not confront you are angry or frustrated-client will pick up on it.

4. Smile and be descriptive-"! say that descriptively and not judgmentally

5. Empathically embellish their situation-expand on it. Let client know you see their situation not just their limitations

6. Center yourself and develop firmness

7. Do not react to the problem of the day-Make sure that what you choose to confront will have impact across their whole situation.

8. Look for good timing -when you have evidence they can't squirm away from

9. Expect pushback- Have some idea how far you will push before you start.

10. Describe the pain that is created by continuing the problem

11. Understand when to increase and when to decrease anxiety

12. Ask about how they think the behavior is a problem for the spouse?

13. Amplify future pain- Be able to spell out lots of detail about the negative consequences

14. Be prepared for impossible questions (Partner who is doing it ... so now what do we do about it?

15. Be able to describe different parts of the person-(one part of you wants to stop drinking and stay married and the other part is not very invested in staying married and would rather continue drinking and carousing with your buddies

16. Stroke progress, confront regression- After confrontation, give a way out, a way to change WORKSHOP HANDOUTS

LONNIE BARBACH, PhD & DAVID GEISINGER, PhD LOVING DANGEROUSLY: A Short Course for the Long Haul By Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. and David Geisinger, Ph.D.

The Theory

Monogamy

• And our Species • As the most intricate, complex life course • As a theater of transference • And risk: The commingling of one's destiny with another

- Its Possibilities and Prospects

• Intimacy • Healing of psychological wounds -The elimination of baggage • The return of the true self

- Its Perils and Problems

• Entropy (death by erosion)- monogamy as monotony • Management of Conflict (death by corrosion) -Dark outcomes and consequences • Divorce (legal or emotional) • Negative Transformation (the maintenance organization) • Some Consequences Stress induced illness Betrayals and affairs Deepening of wounds On children On finances and life course Etc.

- Its Challenges • The reconciliation of differences • The forging of a common pathway in life • The dream of a common language

-The Four Principles

I. A relationship is as good as its dialogue: • Non verbal I behavioral • Verbal • The basis of all negotiations • The lifelong conversation • The transmission of information about the self • Cooperative vs. vetoed -Feelings: The bedrock subject of intimate dialogue

II. The dialogue is only as good as the level of emotional transparency each person brings to it -Emotional literacy • The deterrence of feelingful language • The loss of vulnerability • Use it or lose it • Emotional numbing • Intuition -Selves in conversation and connection • Trust -Words and deeds -Selves known and accepted -Feelings • The common language • What feelings are and aren't • Their significant characteristics • The first language • Tied to self preservation • Repository of personal experience • Energy • The most fundamental delivery system of the self into the world -Healing and feeling • In order to heal, you must reveal what you feel • Vulnerability and risk I reward • Ill. The capacity to be emotionally transparent rests on how safe you are -Sticks and stones • The loss of safety and the retreat from self-revelation -Danger: The toxic triad • Judgment

IV. Safety depends upon the authentic. empathic. validation of feelings

-Authenticity -Empathy -Validation • Inquiry • "Wrapping" feelings: confirmation in active listening

-Safety: The healing triad • Acceptance • Invitation • Recognition

d tl t C!) ~ :i t== t ~ t!i C!) ~ ~ < ~ ~ ~ == E-t 't

--~---B ~ ~ ~ ~ - ...... --- -M~ ------Q:; ~ i5

0~------~ D

A- THE DIALOGUE

B-EMOTIONAL TRANSPARENCY

C•SAFETY

D•AUTHENTIC, EMPATHIC, VALIDATION The Practice

Process vs. Content

What Feelings Are - And Are Not

A feeling is not an opinion, an observation, or a belief. It is not a judgment or an evaluation or an idea or an interpretation. These pieces of information are thoughts- not feelings-- even when you use the words, .. I feel .. to introduce them, as in, "I feel that you are not doing your share of the chores. They do not directly express the unique bodily-based sensations that carry our most naked vulnerabilities: Thoughts are generally safer to express. They are far less personal and revelatory.

Feelings are not expressed in the following: I feel that you I feel as if I feel like (Except in imagistic or metaphoric language: I feel as if I am about to burst with ... ; I feel like a dark cloud has come over me)

Feelings are expressed by the following: I feel (feeling word)

AFee r 1ng N ot AFee r 1ng I felt abandoned when you didn't spend I felt like you didn't have any interest in more time with me at the party. being seen as my partner when you spent so little time with me at the party. I felt hurt when you dismissed my I feel you have no respect for my suggestion so matter-of-factly. intelligence. I felt uncared for when you forgot to pick I felt that you forgot to pickup the up the groceries. groceries because you were angry and wanted to punish me. I feel frightened when you shout and slam I feel as if you are trying to intimidate me the door. when you shout and slam the door.

There are varying levels to feelings -- some being more vulnerable and revelatory than others.

*The Least Emotionally Transparent Feelings Generally speaking, the greater our feelings of upset, the more threatened and vulnerable we are feeling and the more inclined we may be to revert to the protection offered by the least emotionally transparent feelings such as anger, irritation, annoyance and resentment.

Anger masks a deeper more vulnerable feeling.

Consider the following examples, for instance. It is not uncommon to feel anger, annoyance, irritation or resentment as a cover for more vulnerable feelings when your partner: • *leaves the unwashed dishes on the kitchen counter, once again (Are we actually feeling helpless? unimportant?) • *makes mocking fun of you when we're out with friends (Are you actually feeling hurt? embarrassed? Insulted?) • *drives inattentively and almost gets into an accident (Are you actually feeling afraid?) • *is not interested in making love when we are (Are you actually feeling rejected? unattractive?) • *has to work late night after night (Are you actually feeling lonely? undesirable? worthless?) • *forgets to do the errand we asked of him or her (Are you actually feeling unimportant?) • *discovers that you have accidentally overdrawn your mutual checking account (Are you actually feeling guilty? embarrassed?) • *tells someone else about a matter that you told him or her in strict confidence. (Are you actually feeling betrayed?)

When anger is expressed in place of revealing the deeper, more vulnerable feelings, it is, most likely, an unconscious attempt to protect yourself by pushing your partner away. However, intimacy develops out of a willingness to be vulnerable.

*Semi-Transparent Feelings At the next level, we find feelings that reveal something about our inner world, but are only partially so; they are semi-transparent. In actuality, they are forms of criticism disguised in what appears to be feeling-type terms. Consider

Copyright: Lonnie Barbach Ph.D. and David Geisinger, Ph.D., 2002 5 such words as betrayed, abused, or disappointed. These feelings are actually a commentary on a partner's behavior. We believe that our partner has betrayed us, abused us, or let us down. They do not reveal the deeper feelings we infer about ourselves as a consequence of our partner's actions.

*Transparent Feelings How we feel and conceive of ourselves in the privacy of our interior life represents the most vulnerable level of all. Examples of feeling words at this level are "inadequate," "invisible," "worthless," "afraid," "lonely," "stupid," "helpless," "hopeless," "despairing," "undesirable," "unlovable," ''vulnerable," "unattractive," ''frightened," "weak,""hurt," etc.

So, if you feel betrayed by your partner, you might also, at a more profound level, be feeling worthless, undesirable, naive, or insecure. If you feel abused, you might also be feeling helpless, or worthless because you have allowed yourself to be treated in such a way. If you are feeling disappointed, you have probably been doing things with an expectation that your actions will be repaid and hence you may, at a more fundamental level, be feeling unappreciated and at an even deeper level, possibly foolish, helpless, or ineffective.

The deeper the level of feelings you expose to your partner, the more naked, vulnerable, and at-risk you are. And, at the same time, the more profoundly you are inviting your partner to know you, therefore, the greater the potential payoff.

I vs. We

And vs. But

Yet/so far/until now

Self-appointed expert

You become the authority on your partner when, unbidden, you offer your insights into their personality, motivation

Here are a few typical examples: .. You did that because you wanted to hurt me ... .. You are so selfish ..... You don't give a damn about my feelings ..... Your mother really spoiled you .....You have unresolved issues about your father ..... You didn't pick up your clothes because you were lazy ...

Copyright: Lonnie Barbach Ph.D. and David Geisinger, Ph.D., 2002 6 A clue that you are likely to be going down the path of becoming the uninvited authority on your partner is that you begin your sentence with a form of the word "you." This usually means that you are about to deliver a judgement of some sort, and your partner is probably going to feel defensive even before you've finished your sentence. The best general rule when you're considering giving your partner the benefit of your wisdom is: don't begin to work until and unless you've been "hired."

Respectfully offered insights appear in the form of questions, not declarations.

Consider the following sentences: .. Were you upset with me when I said that? .. Or even, .. I thought you were upset with me when I said that, were you? .. Or, .. It seems that whenever your brother calls you get short with me. Does it seem that way to you? .. These observations are respectfully offered and invite a conversation about potentially sensitive material, thereby becoming another part of the ongoing dialogue to intimacy.

Since you are not the expert on your partner's motivations and behavior, the best policy is to keep asking questions until you believe that you have thoroughly understood his or her point of view. Then tell your partner what you understand him or her to be saying and have your partner confirm that your understanding is correct. Your partner, and only your partner, can verify the accuracy of your observations. Without this confirmation, the dialogue is incomplete.

Accentuate the Positive

Each time you utter a fault-focused sentence you are actually judging or admonishing your partner and simultaneously covering-up your own vulnerability. Like all negative criticism, this way of speaking arouses defensiveness and resistance.

Consider these ordinary sentences: • .. I don't like it when you look at TV when we're talking ... • .. Your table manners could use some work ..... • .. Stop driving so fast! ..

If you'd like your partner to be more open and responsive to you, it is essential to reveal what you are feeling.

In the above examples you might be feeling: • invisible and disconnected when he or she looks at TV while you are conversing. • queasy when you can see your partner's half-chewed food. • afraid when your partner drives too fast for your comfort.

Copyright: Lonnie Barbach Ph.D. and David Geisinger, Ph.D., 2002 7 It is also important to shift your focus to the positive counterpart of the negative or critical observation that you were about to make, therefore, words such as "don't," "not," and "stop," which are all negative, are best omitted from any conversation in which you are trying to enlist your partner's cooperation. Instead, focus on what you would like your partner to do. It can help to start the sentence with the words. "I would like ... "

There is always a positive alternative to every negative one -- a way of saying what you would prefer rather than what you dislike.

State this as a request rather than a demand.

Mention the benefits that would result if your partner were willing to meet your request: you'd feel more loving, more generous, more relaxed, etc.

Consider re-fashioning the sentences quoted earlier using this positive approach: • "I feel invisible when you look at TV when we are talking. 1•d really like it if we could make eye contact during our conversations because then I would feel more connected with you ... • .. I like to face you when we eat and I feel queasy when I can see your food as you chew, so please try to remember to chew with your mouth closed ... • .. I feel afraid when you drive at this speed and it would really help if you could please slow down a bit so I can relax and enjoy being with you."

• 1. State the vulnerable feeling, starting with the word "I" rather than "you," and remember that a feeling is not an opinion or observation. • 2. Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. • 3. Express the desire as a request rather than a demand. • 4. Specify the benefits to be derived from this change in behavior.

Presumption of Innocence

Curious Rather than Furious

The Grain of Truth

Acknowledge grain of truth before moving to your option, perspective, etc.

Presented as truths.

Saying, "I prefer... " creates preferences that make room for multiple points of view.

Dismissiveness

roll of eyes - lawyer couple shake head side to side and tsk audible exhalation wave of hand look up and shake head up and down look of contempt with sneer and narrowed eyes sarcasm turning it into a joke "yes, but"

Validation

MARTY KLEIN, PhD Existential Issues in Sexuality

Marty Klein, Ph.D

Love & Intimacy Conference June 12, 2003

Existential issues are internal conflicts arising from the ongoing, inescapable confrontation with the givens of human existence.

Existential issues

• isolation • powerlessness • responsibility •death • the desire for meaning

Marty Klein, Ph.D * 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 1 Most people defend themselves from fully acknowledging such realities.

These defenses constitute character style.

How can we illuminate the way these defenses shape the behavior & thinking we call "symptoms"?

How does doing this affect us?

Existential Truths:

Marty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 2 Loving involves pain and, eventually, abandonment or separation.

Suddenly or gradually, we will lose our physical- including our sexual--abilities.

We are responsible for how we express our feelings- regardless of how we are treated by others.

Marty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856~533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 3 There is a limit to how much comfort we can derive from even the most satisfying sex.

As we get older, more and more people become sexually ineligible or uninterested mus.

Some people have mistreated us, and they are going to get away with it.

Marty Klein, Ph.D * 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 4 We can't prevent the people we love from making mistakes or from suffering.

We have made life choices with consequences we don't like- and cannot change.

In fact, we made many of these choices without being aware of doing so.

We continue to make choices we are not aware of

Marty Klei~ Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 5 Who knew?

• Changing jobs >> no kids • Getting married >> little sex • Pursuing hobby >> not write a book • Inheriting S >> lose friends • Brief affair >> loneliness of feeling separate from partner

Consciously or not, clinicians struggle with the same existential truths as all people.

We should expect that clinicians and clients will unwittingly collude to avoid facing existential struggles.

Marty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 6 Clients want us to comfort them. We want the comfort of doing so.

How do we resist- and deprive ourselves?

Doing our work effectively can:

• restimulate our personal losses & wlnerabilities • make us feel fraudulent because of our own imperfect lives • painfully remind us that our power to heal others is limited

Therapists' discomfort with doing what's needed

• unwilling to make clients uncomfortable • unwilling to set firm treatment conditions • collusion w/client putting things out of bounds • desire to be liked • desire to succeed & feel validated • difficulty dealing with ''tangents" • unwilling to face clients' existential crises

Marty Klein, Ph.D * 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 7 This makes us want to mollify clients' shame & guilt, rather than pushing clients to examine themselves.

We need to help clients look at their issues before taking them away.

Our clients act as if they don't believe what they know. Our job is to: • point out this discrepancy • help them explore why they live this way • sympathize with the resulting shame & grief • help them mobilize for change • help them deal with the results of change • help them leave therapy

Stages of existential therapy

• disequilibration: grief and loss • exploring and living with deconstruction • searching for meaning • taking responsibility • constructing a life, facing the future

Marty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 8 When you discover who you are, and it isn't who you thought you were- or think you should be- you 're in crisis.

Good therapy makes this happen

• are we ready for these crises? • are we ready to create pain & chaos for people? • can we support them without reassuring them? • can we handle our own guilt about this? • can we tolerate this truth in our own lives?

Some couples insist on keeping the past alive as a defense against the pain of letting it go.

When the past is not in the past, almost anything can trigger pain and defensiveness.

1arty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 9 Couples sometimes blame each other rather than face their existential pain together.

Unwilling to face their respective (&couple) pain, they're left with how they're different rather than how they're similar.

We all reject the obvious truth: there is no perfect solution.

·· =·======~=~=====11is;=;=wnwa===a=hlriS:ii~ty===~g:p=g======:=== with this betrayal of our sentient lives.

Marty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 10 Existential choices our clients wish to avoid:

Being attractive or getting what you want sometimes involves doing something ···=== =:::::::::: ::::::¥Q.UI:~:mo.ther::: :approves::uf~:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=: ::::

Enjoying sex (or love, or life) may require forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it.

,fatty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 11 You can't have everything you want-unless you want .·====;:;:;=~=~======;=~~I~£Rgl1!x;:::BR!lHn.~=~======Even then, it isn't guaranteed.

What's the answer? The movement comes in the struggle.

Holding clients as they struggle is a major contribution.

Effective therapy

• peels away defenses • shows clients how they're not in touch with their own values • helps them bravely construct a life • helps them deal with the consequences

Marty Klein, Ph.D * 650/856-6533 [email protected] * www.SexEd.org 12 Therapy is about helping clients give up one set of problems & struggles for another. .. ::::~:~:;~;:~::::::::::::::;:;:;:;:~=~=~=~=~::::::::::::::::::::::~=~=~=~~=~=~::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;:::::::::::::::::::;:::::::::::~:::::::::::;:;::::::::;:;::::::: Although, of course, that isn't what they come in for.

The goal of therapy is to transform neurotic suffering into common, everyday unhappiness. --Carl Jung

There isn't any answer There never was any answer There isn't going to be any answer That's the answer. --Gertrude Stein

[arty Klein, Ph.D • 650/856-6533 [email protected] • www.SexEd.org 13 WORKSHOP HANDOUTS There's a place /or us ...... A place that • studies Relationships, • understands Relationships, • believes in Relationships, • teaches the principles o/ good Relationships, • helps to identify and repair troubled Relationships, • provides a supportive environment /or living and practicing healthy Relationships.

That place is qrze aven <}@sort d Institute on beautiful Gabriola Island, near Vancouver, Canada, where your US dollars buy so much /or so little!

Founded twenty years ago by Drs. Jock McKeen & Bennet Wong, the Haven Institute has provided help and in/ormation /or individuals interested in personal growth and learning about relationships within the structure o/ couples, the /amily, the community, the place o/ employment and in the world at large.

For in/ormation, visit our Web site: www .haven.ca E-mail: [email protected]

240 Davis Rd., Gabriola Island, B.C., Canada VOR 1X1 Telephone: (250) 247-9211 Fax: (250) 247-8454 A MODEL FOR COMMUNICATION The elements of the communication process are mixed together. Although we describe these phenomena as If they occur in a linear, sequential fashion, they can just as easily ap-pear randomly, or even simultaneously. This model Is designed as a tool to be used In revealing ourselves In relationship with others. There is no right way to proceed. Just begin.

· Senses) near, taste, toucli. •

www.haven.ca l u-yQQl;-p -~-I ~V,¥pT1

Either Stressed or

Move

from Positive Negative environmental environmental signals signals

Either or The Path of Glory

S m t m of S lf-H red Anxiety, Guilt, Depression The Four A's Allergies, Phobias Obsessions ana Compulsions Awareness Psychophysiological Illnesses. Acknowledge Self-destructive Behavior, Accept Thrill-seeking and Addictions Action

Self· Compassion Cyc1e

Striving

liranscendence

Apathy Separation

til'~ til' submission abandonment

Romance Integration

clear intention

Comrmitmen

from The Relationship Garden C 1996 J.McKeen/B.Wong \

Art Family Music Spirituality

Mental/Emotional Spiritual * Depression * Phobias * Anxiety * Addictions Physical

"2003 B.WonglJ.McKeen THE SELF IN CONTEXT

DIMENSIONS OF SEXUALITY

AE$lHE11C/ TRANS. MY'fHIC PERSONAL

rorJVATION Emcmona~ Meaning SpAtwal

SYSTEM ¢ortial RAS. Higher Self (1/mbk: (pineal 8¥stem?) gland?)

MODE Meaning Ecstasy Managemem

PURPOSE Union

MEANS Ineffable (Inarticulate) INTIMACY Impersonal

*@from McKeen, J. & Wong, B.R., The Relationship Garden, PO Publishing, 1996 Stages of Lo¥ing

Loving is Supportive Loving is /Enstrengthening Loving is Enlightening Loving is Valuing The Person Loving is Pleasuring Loving is Recognition Loving is !Being Vulnerable and Intimate Loving is Accepting Loving is Sharing Loving is Co-Creating Loving is Eternal

©from McKeen, J. & Wong, B.R., The Relationship Garden, PO Publishing, 1996 from The Haven Store e New MANUAL FOR LIFE cKeen & Wong) ••• Book :ompendium and review of the ideas and concepts ierlying many of the courses at The Haven. This book is w used as resource text for many communication courses. E RELATIONSHIP GARDEN cKeen & B Wong) •.• Book, Lecture Video (VHS) e long-awaited book on relationships of all kinds, how to ferstand them and make them work in ways that promote .ividual growth.

IGER, BOUNDARIES & SAFElY ann Peterson) ••• Book mdmark insight into the nature of anger and its distinction m violence. Offering ideas, perspectives and tools to ferstand and express anger in a healthy and productive nner.

&OUTOFOUROWNWAY cKeen & Wong) ... Book, Audio CD 1 & Jock's teaching stories written with warmth and nour, a must have!

IT IS IN HEAVEN ckMcKeen) .•• Book, Tape ollection ofJock's poems that reveal his inner nature, with nmentary by Ben, helping to understand the process.

>UPLES cKeen & Wong) ... VHS Video ·emarkable 5 video-tape set that reveals the underlying losophy of relationships.

:t PLEASURE & the PRICE of REMAINING lAWARE cKeen & Wong) ... VHS Video rideo-taped lecture given by Drs. McKeen & Wong that iertakes to explore why people resist change and become ested in their symptoms and life-limiting behaviours.

a PD SEMINARS at HAVEN EXPERIENCE lited by McKeen & Wong) •.. Book e history, development, and meaning of the courses at The ven as told by anecdotes, poems, and photographs ltributed by participants and group leaders. Also describes locations and origins of much of the art work on the perry.

:WII BEN & JOCK by GERRY FEWSTER trty years ago Psychiatrist Ben Wong invited the young Jock McKeen to participate in an experiment that would e them to the core of intimacy - the complete revelation of ~ person to another. This is the story of that epic journey. A rainbow o/ exciting possibilities ......

* Professional training in group leading and counselling. 'Ilie * Seminars /or reviewing, renewing and rebuilding all kinds o/ relationships. * Residential workshops designed /or you to discover yourself * Education in dealing with issues such as anger and depression management. aven * Explorations in experiential approaches to learning how to live responsibly, (%sort ctl meaningfully and more fully. Institute * Conference facilities /or up to 1 00 participants. * A tranquil seaside resort /or relaxation and renewal. * Tasty & healthy buffet style meals, swimming pool, sauna, gym, hot tub.

240 Davis Rd., Gabriola Island, B.C., Canada VOR 1X1 Tel. (250) 247-9211 Fax: (250) 247-8454

e-mail: [email protected] Web: www.haven.ca WORKSHOP HANDOUTS

AYALA PINES, PhD How we choose the lovers we choose: Research results

• Variables we are conscious of Personality 92°/o (88°/o men 96°/o women) Appearance 62°/o (81 °/o men 44°/o women)

• Situational Variables Proximity 62°/o (58°/o men 67°/o women) Arousal 22°/o (19°/o men 24°/o women)

• Lover variables Lover find us attractive 41 °/o (35°/o men 47°/o women) Lover fills important need 54°/o (53°/o men 54°/o women) Similarity 30°/o (28°/o men 31 °/o women) Lover is best friend 25°/o (21 °/o men 28°/o women) • Variables we are unconscious of: The building blocks of our romantic ·image

• Love at first sight 11 °/o (9°/o men 13°/o women)

• Similarity to relationship with parents 69°/o (55°/o men 82°/o women) • Similarity of lover to father 56°/o (31 °/o men 78°/o women) • Similarity of lover to mother 47°/o (50°/o men 43°/o women) The romantic image

• According to Freud

• According to Object Relations Theory

• According to Jung

• According to Attachment Theory

• A split romantic image Gender Differences: On Men Women and Love

• According to Evolutionary Theory

• According to Feminist Psychoanalytic Theory

• According to Social Role Theory

• According to Social Construction Theory The Career Burnout Model

/ Motivation / I I _ Universal Expectations t..... Profession specific Expectations ...... - Personal Expectations

L en en cuc Maximum Positive Traits Maximum Negative Traits c .c I Minimum Positive Traits V J ...c::n I Minimum Negative Traits V c ! I ~ tn .. ..

Peak Performance Failure

I I V I I v

• ~ ~- - / /- 7 I I I I Sense of significance and success Burnout I V 1 ne Love ana tsurnout Moael

Falling in Love Arousal Love screens Romantic Image

Commitment / j Expectations 0 ~ / / / 7 Not Achieved Achieved I/~ v~ ~ / / L / / / .. Disappointment Redefined Stagnation I _. l/ l/ l/ I I t / T Erosion ' / Growth -• / / Love&. Love&. Commitment Commitment v .. v I t I I / T I / / I T 7 Couple Burnout Roots and Wings 1/ 1/ A Self Diagnosis Instrument People can compute their burnout score by completing the following questionnaire.

How often do you have any of the following experiences? Please use the scale: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Never Once in a Rarely Some.:times Often Usually Always great while __ 1. Being tired. 2. Feeling depressed. __ 3. Having a good day. 4. Being physically exhausted. 5. Being emotionally exhausted. __ 6. Being happy. 7. Being "wiped out." 8. Feeling "burned out." __ 9. Being unhappy. __ 10. Feeling rundown. 11. Feeling trapped. __ .12. Feeling worthless. 13. Being weary. 14. Being troubled. __ 15. Feeling disillusioned and resentful about mate. __ 16. Feeling weak. __ 17. Feeling hopeless. 18. Feeling rejected. 19. Feeling optimistic. __ 20. Feeling energetic. 21. Feeling anxious.

Computation of score: Add the values you wrote next to the following items: 1,2,4,5, 7,8,9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18,21 (A) ____ . Add the values you wrote next to the following items: 3, 6, 19, 20 (B) , subtract (B) from 32 (C)_. Add A and C (D)_ Divide D by 21 __.This is your burnout score.

Cc...'-'yr,gnt · 1980 Ayala Pines, PhD and Elliot Aronson, PhD Pearson Correlation Coefficients for Burnout and Eighteen Relationship Features

r p Positive outlook -.72 .000 Communication -.64 .000 Security -.59 .000 l!i Self -actua Iization -.57 .000 Significance -.55 .000 Emotional attraction -.54 .000 Sex life -.54 .000 Growth -.50 .000 Compatibility -.50 .000 Variety -.49 .000 Partner's desirability -.46 .000 Physical attraction -.41 .000 Things in common -.40 .000 Similar goals -.40 .000 Own desirability -.36 .000 Intellectual attraction -.33 .000 Control -.23 .011 Sharing chores -.14 .084 Table 4 Pearson Correlation Coefficients for Burnout and Marriage Descriptors for Men and Women

Men Women Rank order Rank order r p r p (women) (men)

Positive outlook -.60 .0001 -.56 .0001 1 1 Communication -.58 .0001 -.46 .0001 4 2 Appreciation -.50 .0001 -.42 .0001 8 3 Sex life -.49 .0001 -.41 .0001 9 4 Overload .51 .0001 .48 .0001 3 5 Boredom .48 .0001 .23 .02 16 6 Conflicting demands .46 .0001 .56 .0001 1 7 Success -.45 .0001 -.38 .0002 11 8 Physical attraction -.44 .0001 -.40 .0001 10 9 Vari·ety -.44 .0001 -.45 .0001 5 9 Security -.43 .0001 -.42 .0001 8 10 Compatible personality -.39 .0001 -.35 .0001 12 11 Support -.37 .0001 -.33 .002 13 12 Guilt and anxiety .37 .0002 .44 .0001 6 12 Commitments' pressure .37 .0002 .50 .0001 2 12 Things in common -.36 .0003 -.25 .01 15 13 Self -actualization -.35 .0005 -.42 .0001 8 14 Emotional attraction -.34 .0008 -.33 .0007 13 15 Intellectual attraction -.34 .0008 -.32 .001 14 15 Demand to prove self .31 .002 .22 .03 17 16 Feedback -.29 .004 -.43 .0001 7 17 Similar goals .25 .01 .43 .0001 7 18 Table

Attraction Variables by Sex and Country: Percentages (Pearson Chi-Square. df=l)

Sex Country Men Women USA Israel

Arousal: 16% 30% 22% 25% .., Chi-Square: 4.6 p=.04 .~

Propinquity: 52% 57% 63% 46% Chi-Square: .4 4.8 p=.03

Similarity: 19% 20% 29.5% 8% Chi-Square: .1 12.2 p=.001

Need fulfillment: 56% 58% 54% 60% Chi-Square: .1 .7

Best Friends: 21% 34% 25% 31% Chi-Square: 3.6 p=.06 .9

Mate's Attraction: 35% 46% 41% 40% Chi-Square: 2.2 .03

Appearance: 80% 53% 63% 70% Chi-Square: 13.8 p=.OOO 1.04

Personality: 890/o 97% 92% 94% Chi-Square: 4.0 p=.07 .2

Love at First Sight: 7% 12% 11% 8% Chi-Square: 1.1 .4

Status: 4% 4% 8% 0% Chi-Square: .1 6.9 p=.Ol4 WORKSHOP HANDOUTS

TERRENCE REAL, LICSW BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS

EXTERNAL PHYSICAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS: • Standing too close to a person without his/her permission. • Touching a person without his/her permission • Getting into a person's personal belongings and living space such as one's purse, wallet, mail, and closet. • Listening to a person's personal conversations or telephone conversations without his/her permission. • Not allowing a person to have privacy or violating a person's right to privacy. • Exposing others to physical illness due to your having a contagious disease.

SEXUAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS: • Touching a person sexually without his/her permission. • Not negotiating when, where, and how to engage in sexual activity. • Demanding unsafe sexual practices. • Leaving pornography where others who do not wish to or should not see it may see it. • Exposing oneself to others without their consent. • Staring or looking at another person lustily (voyeurism) without his/her permission. • Exposing visually and/or auditorily others to your sexual activities without their consent.

INTERNAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS: • Yelling and screaming. • Name calling. • Ridiculing a person. • Lying. • Breaking a commitment. • Patronizing a person. (Better than) • Telling a person how he/she should be or what he/she should do (Negative control), or what they are thinking, feeling, or motivated by. • Being sarcastic. • Shaming a person.

ill. CONSPIRACY OF Sll..ENCE

Don •t tell the truth about men

The Relational Recovery Institute Chart by: Lisa Merlo-Booth, Dawn Pelton www.ten:yreal.com Copyright: The Relational Recovery Institute 617-924-4041 HANDOUT: PATRIARCHY

Political Patriarchy is the oppression of women by men; it is sexism. Psychological Patriarchy is a dynamic relationship between "masculine" and ;'feminine" qualities. . -Psychological Patriarchy can occur between sexes, but may equally occur between men, women, a ~arent and child, inside one person, between nations or races.

The Three Rings of Psychological Patriarchy

1) The Great Divide The human characteristics that would make up one whole person are bifurcated. Half of the qualities given to all of us at birth are deemed "masculine." A complimentary half is deemed "feminine."

2) The Dance of Contempt: The relationship between these two halves is unequal. "Masculine" qualities are exalted, "feminine" qualities devalued. The lie of "better than" "less than" - grandiosity and shame - replicates this dynamic. It is "patriarchy inside our skulls."

1) The Conspiracy of Silence: The dance of contempt must remain secret. Whoever inhabits the "feminine" side of the dynamic is subject to an empathic reversal hyper-empathy for the other & hypo-empathy to self. He/she caretakes the disowned vulnerability of those on the "masculine" side of the dynamic, covertly protecting the other's "fragility" even while being mistreated.

The Relational Recover Institute www.terr real.com Cop ri ht The Relational Recover Institute 617-924-4041 RELATIONAL SKIU.S

1). Relational Esteem: The ability to hold your relationship in warm positive regard in spite of its imperfections. Closeness/disillusionment /repair

2). Speakins Relationally: Telling the truth with grace and love. * Feedback Wheel

3). Listening Relationally CRespondins Constructively): Giving to your partner as much as you can. a. Using an internal boundary b. Scanning for the Positive -(giving what you can)

4). Contracting: Learning to be clear and consistent. a. Negotiating with wisdom b. From •win/lose" to an ecological model

5). Relational Integrity: A commitment to stay the course, even in those times when your partner wavers. a. •Detachment from outcome": staying moderate in the face of your partner's in-moderateness

The Relational Recover Institute www.terr real.com Chart by: Lisa Merlo-Booth & Dawn Pelton Cop ri ht: The Relational Recover Institute 617-924-4041 RELATIONAL EMPOWERMENT COURSE OF TREATMENT SCAN FOR nLEVERAGE CONTRACT TO DO THE WORK 1). Empower the woman (latent) 2). Reconnect the man (blatant)

ARE THE PRECONDmONS OF INTIMACY SUFFICIENTLY MET am> .------Workon: • preconditions to intimacy

~ ------ARE THE SELF SKILLS MET oon .------work on Self Skllls: 1). Healthy self esteem 2). Healthy boundaries 3). Healthy sense ofreaUty 4). Healthy sense of interdependency S). Healthy sense of moderation (YES) TEACH A NON-PATRIARCHAL MODEL OF LOVE "Everyday passion" n ARE THE RELATIONAL SKILLS MET oon1). Relational • esteem 2). Speaking artfully 3). Scanning for the positive 4). S). Walking your path of integrity

"TRANSMISSION/RECEPTION WORK" working with the latent n AMLIFY SUCCESS "healing'' u CONNECT WITH Ol)TSIDE SUPPORTS

The Relational Recovery Institute www.tereyreal.com Chart by: Lisa Merlo-Booth & Dawn Pelton Copyright: The Relational Recovery Institute 617-924-4041 SELF SKILLS

1. Healthy Self Esteem: ability to hold yourself in warm positive regard in-spite of your imperfections.

2. Healthy Self Awareness: capacity to know what you're thinking and feeling and the ability to share it politically. (When it's in your long term best interest to share it)

3. Healthy Boundaries: Ability to protect and contain yourself and your experience while still remaining in connection A. External Boundary: (physical proximity) we have the right to determine when, where, and how we will be touched and/or how close others stand to us B. Internal Boundary; (psychological boundary; it is where you end and the world begins) 1. Inside part: internal containing part. This protects the world from you 2. Outer part: protects you from the world

4. Healthy Self-care I Interdependancy: attend to needs and wants; to do for yourself what you can and ask for help when you cannot

5. Healthy Moderation: To think, feel and express yourself moderately; not too tight or too open.

The Relational Recover Institute www.terr real.com 617-924-4041 Cop ri ht The Relational Recover Institute WORKSHOP HANDOUTS

JANICE A. SPRING, PhD Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997

THE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE OF THE HURT PARTNER

Loss of:

* Identity

* Sense of specialness

* Self-respect for debasing yourself and forfeiting your basic values to win your partner back

* Self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged

* Control over your thoughts and actions

* Fundamental sense of order and justice in the world

* Religious faith

* Connection with others

* Sense of purpose -- the will to live Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997

THE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE OF THE UNFAITHFUL PARTNER

* Relief

* Impatience

* Chronic anxiety

* Justified anger

* Absence of guilt

* Grief over the loss of the lover

* Guilt over the children

* Isolation

* Hopelessness

* Paralysis

* Self-disgust Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997

LOW-COST TRUST BUILDING BEHAVIORS

* Limit your overnight travel.

* Tell me when you run into your lover.

* Tell me if you're planning to contact your lover.

* Show me what pleases you sexually.

* Tell me when you feel proud of me, and why.

* Call me during the day.

* Tell me how you feel-- share your intimate thoughts with me.

* Tell me when you like the way I look.

* Tell me when you feel happy or more optimistic about our future together.

* Come home from work in time to have dinner with the family.

* Plan time to be alone with me.

* Spend more time in foreplay -- kissing and touching.

* Tell me what upset you during the day.

* Tell me what pleased you during the day.

* Focus on what I'm saying, and don't be distracted when we talk.

* Tell me when you feel I've let you down.

* Work on letting your anger go and getting back on track with me.

* Show me affection outside the bedroom.

*Hold me and show understanding when I'm upset; don't give up on me. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., ABPP from After the Affair copyright HarperCollins, 1997

HIGH-COST TRUST BUILDING BEHAVIORS

* Don't contact or associate with your lover's circle of friends or relatives.

* Quit the club or association to which your lover belongs.

* Transfer some of your assets into my name.

* Find another job.

* Go on a romantic vacation with me.

* Pay for me to complete my college education.

* Show me your monthly bank statements, credit card statements, and phone bills.

* Do whatever it takes to give up drugs or alcohol.

* Move to another town with me.

* Provide funds for me to hire a private investigator to track you.

* Explore in therapy the effects of your father's/mother's infidelity on you.

* Get into couple therapy with me and work to figure out exactly what the affair says ~bout you, about me, and about us.

* Answer all my questions about the lover in front of a therapist, so I'm more certain that you're telling the truth. "We enter intimate relationships blindly, AFTER often effortlessly, swept up with passion and an idealized perception of our partner, often cocky about our ability to keep things hot. Most of us AFFA\R are totally unprepared for what lies ahead, and Healing t\te Pain ignorant of what's required to last the course ... and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has The affair shocks us into reality. Fortunately, it Been Unfaithful also invites us to try again."

-from AFTER THE AFFAIR

nfidelity is often the deathblow to a relationship. But it can also be a wake-up call, challenging couples to confront the issues that led to the Iaffair and build a healthier, more intimate relationship than before. As "After the Affair is the most a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for comprehensive and balanced book I have twenty-five years, Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring has found that couples can ever read on the subject. It is •must' survive infidelity, provided that both partners are willing to look honestly reading for any couple who has at themselves and at each other and acquire the skills they need to help themselves through such a shattering crisis. experienced the violation of trust as a result of an affair." After the Affair addresses crucial questions of both partners, including: -Harville Hendrix, Ph. D., • Why did the affair happen? author of GEIT/NG THE LOVE YOU WANT • Once love and trust are gone, can they ever be rekindled? • How can l-or should !-recommit when I feel so ambivalent? ••After the Affair is a wonderful guide for • How do we get the lover out from between the two of us and couples who want to reconstruct their become sexually intimate again? relationship after one partner has been • Is forgiveness possible? Is it healthy? unfaithful. In clear, sparkling prose, Dr. For those who are going through the pain, confusion, and anger of an Spring explains the sources of infidelity infidelity, After the Affair can help you cope with the raging emotions, and offers sound, sensible guidelines for make a thoughtful decision about your future, and, if you choose to recommit, reclaim a life together. mending the relationship." Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., is a Diplomate in Clinical Psychology, a -Aaron Beck, M.D., founder of CognitiveTherapy and author of LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University, and a nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and ··or. Spring possesses a remarkable forgiveness. Her private practice in Westport, Connecticut, deals largely with partners confronting the trauma of infidelity. combination of clarity, wisdom, spirit, and heart. This is an extremely helpful and healing book-a gift to us all." -Harriet Lerner, Ph. D., NOW IN ITS 35th PRINTING author of THE DANCE OF ANGER =HarperPerennial A Division of HarperCollinsPublishers NOTES NOTES

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