The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1042 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 31 OCTOBER 2002 free

WHAT’S ON YOUR CAM- PUS STEREO? A little A new future for HE? glimpse into the audio LABOUR CHAIRMAN CHARLES Clarke By Richard Watts said his new role was “a fantastic challenge” world of has been appointed as the new Secretary of and that he was “really looking forward” to campus and State for Education in Tony Blair’s cabinet remedy the current student funding doing all he could to improve education in its inhabitants reshuffle following the resignation of Estelle arguments that are currently plaguing the the UK. He also praised the “commitment | page 18 Morris. Mr Clarke, a former NUS President government and the fiasco that was this and integrity” of his predecessor, for and known “straight-talker,” now faces a year’s A-level marking. whom many her resignation and honesty in HE tough job as he must seek to Speaking of his appointment, Mr Clarke departing the job was thought “dignified” T A- and hallmarked her approach to the job. TEAM The two party leaders reacted reassuringly Details of what differently to the appointment. Tony Blair the V-project is said he wanted Mr Clarke to carry on the all about and reform programme started under Ms Morris. how you can Conservative leader Iain Duncan Smith said get involved the resignation of one person would not save with the fun the “crisis” in education. and festivties The National Union of Students (NUS) of it all | page 12 welcomed the appointment of Charles Clarke. Mandy Telford, the NUS President, said: “Mr Clarke has certainly got his hands IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER full, especially as we approach the release date of the government’s student funding review. We know that top-up fees would Why we lobbied Parliament result in an elitist system where a student’s Toni Borneo reflects on the action taken by wealth, rather than intellect, would determine student officers last week and argues why it their success. This is a perfect opportunity is necessary News | page 3 for the new Minister to boldly stamp out the threat of top up fees and commit to a funding Seriously what week? system where all students are offered the During this awareness week, we should pay chance to fully realise their potential.” tribute to those who lead a more sheltered life argues Ben Supper Comment | page 7 INSIDE The eternal student syndrome Dr Russ reveals that there is a life beyond If you want something then you have to the pearly gates of this university life we The London Eye last week as students descended on Parliament to lobby MP’s concerning the Government’s pay for it argues Graeme Phillips - education students lead Professional Page | page 9 White Paper on student funding expected next month. See page three for more details. does not come free | Comment barearts watches lots of films xXx and Slap her, she’s French get the Who is this man that could hold the key to our financial futures? review treatment in the new, “in association Here’s to this new can of push for Maths the 1992 defeat, one less than £40k) and the super- with the Odeon” section barearts | page 10 worms. Charles Clarke is a competence. JOHN SLATER of Neil Kinnock’s fees that we heard of recently. Life after the womb large, loud man, the opposite Being the NUS main men, and Incidentally, a major student of Ms Morris’ quiet demeanour president for a short while isn’t more recently worked in the report from 18 universities Rich Watts decides that this lobbying busi- and slight figure. Estelle his only claim to identifying Home Office and of course – The Aldwych Report – warns ness is a lot more difficult than the profes- was touted as a great thing with the yoof of today, in fact the education department. In that if the proposed £10k fees sionals make it look Lifestyle | page 21 originally, as she had been a he was one of those political the 1980s’ ‘seething political are put in place, the middle Netballers make a week of it schoolteacher before, and what students, to the extent that he crucible’ (as the Guardian puts class would be excluded. So could be better than a teacher spent a year in Cuba as a radical it) of Hackney council, he even after the exit of a sparrow in A good week for the three netball teams of as Education Secretary? Well Marxist, alongside the likes of had as one of his constituents a an overflowing nest, we have UniS as they see off each of their respective once again we will have to pick Peter Mandelson, Paul Boateng certain young Mr Tony Blair. the arrival of a large figure in opponents Sport | page 24 our expectations – you’ll be and Fiona McTaggart. As impressive a CV as it both stature and politics, and he please to hear that Mr Clarke He’s seen it from the lecturer’s is, the key things as ever are will have a lot to do – the split was NUS president from 1975 side, as a part time lecturer in the policies. I’m sure that his between those who support his to 1977, after being Cambridge Maths for a time. He has in apparently imminent push grant schemes and those who Students’ Union’s president, the past promoted the General (so says The Daily Mail) for dislike his push for graduate so obviously he’ll know what Teaching Council during 3p in the pound graduate tax could be his undoing. By students need. Except that in his time in the education tax will delight the student all accounts, Mr Clarke is the mid 70s, students got grants. department in 1998 as schools populace, almost as much as not going to get an easy ride. Students did alright. He is a standards minister, alongside the combination of limited Perhaps his shift as the stoic Cambridge man, with a Maths scaring the LEAs and rooting maintenance grants (up to £1k, face of government can last and Economics degree so we for the cause of retaining school beginning around 2004, for longer than Ms Morris, before can perhaps hope for a renewed playing fields. He was, until families with an income of the next changing of the guard. 2 NEWS 31 October 2002 Sussex Students’ Union facing liquidation National SUSSEX UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ By Richard Watts Union (SUSU) is facing a financial crisis president that could result in its possible liquidation predecessors in an impossible position. “We within two years. During the last academic asked the university for assistance two years year, the Union overspent by £120,000 and ago to help make up the deficit. The response lambastes a similar deficit is predicted by the finance from the finance office, was that we should officer for this academic year too. spend the union’s reserves, which is very SUSU is supported, like all other Students’ improper, put beer prices up or cut staff.” top-up fees Unions, with an annual block grant from Up to now, the union has had to spend its the university of £470k (in comparison to own reserves in order to compensate for the IN HER MONTHLY column on The USSU’s £613k) and receives further profits overspending. The current reserves now lie Guardian’s website NUS President, Mandy from Sussex University Students’ Union at just £270k, which, at the current rate of Telford, warned the government that top- Services Ltd (SUSUS), the union-owned spending, is enough for just two more years available.” up fees would simply “cripple” higher trading company, though this arm of its of the union’s existence. This is not the first crisis at the Sussex education and that “asking cash-strapped operations ha been in decline recently. “We can’t buy ourselves out of this crisis. University Students’ Union to be reported students to find even more money is an insult A campaign run by the student newspaper, We can’t charge any more for a pint. At by barefacts. In November 2000, we to the hardship they already go through.” The Badger, launched last week asked the student union bar a pint is £1.95, in the reported that the Union had been disbanded Her comments follow the revelations last university to increase this subvention, and one university-run bar it is £1.50. They are as a result of failing to reach a quorate level week that Sir Richard Sykes, the rector warned in an editorial that the “union would putting their prices down, while ours have to at its Annual General Meeting, as well as a of Imperial College, London, advocated be preparing itself for the worst, including go up,” said Mr Mooney. similar story the year before. the introduction of market fees and thus across-the-board cuts in the provision of key A statement issued by the university said: The University of Surrey Students’ Union left students facing the possibility of £15k services to students and the possibility that “The university and USSU are working has also faced financial difficulties in recent tuition fees each year. Ms Telford, who The Badger itself may be lost.” together to tackle both of these issues as years. Two years ago, the University bailed was the president of NUS Scotland when it University and Union representatives met all parties share the desire to ensure that the Union out after it was revealed the successfully forced the Scottish government last week to discuss the possibility of a joint services to students should become more financial position was so dire that, should to change their funding system, said that Sir emergency funding package and allocated coordinated. the Union have been a commercial business, Richard “appears to be setting the agenda the cost of childcare provision, which costs “There is the possibility of agreeing a joint it would have been declared bankrupt. for higher education single-handedly while some £14k a year, to the university. emergency funding package, the details of Fortunately, the turnaround has been swift the government continues to hide behind the David Mooney, the union’s elected finance which would have to be discussed when and the Union reported a surplus of £65k smokescreen of the forthcoming review.” officer, said the university had placed his the full USSU accounts for last year are last year. The government’s funding review was begun after the electorate displayed its unhappiness with the current financial situation faced by students attending university. The report University mergers dominate education landscape was originally scheduled for release in mid- October 2001 but various hindrances have meant that it will only be released near the TALKS OF UNIVERSITY-mergers have By Richard Watts establishment serving West and South end of November this year. It is thought that dominated committee-table-talk at higher Yorkshire, whilst King’s College, London, the report will recommend the introduction education establishments throughout the College, London and University College, currently a part of the University of London, of top-up fees, a move that leaves Ms United Kingdom recently as rumours London, many institutes have put forward hopes to be given degree-awarding powers Telford aghast: “Top-up fees quite simply continue to circulate concerning who might, plans to create their own “super-university” such that it can survive the ramifications of would cripple higher education. There and who is, to merge with whom. or announced they are to apply for degree- the Imperial-UCL unification. is no question that higher education is Following on from the amalgamation awarding powers, thus giving them desperately underfunded, but asking cash- of London Guildhall University and the autonomy over parent institutions. strapped students to find even more money University of North London two months ago Huddersfield University announced is an insult to the hardship they already go to form the London Metropolitan University, last week that it had entered into talks through. Top-up fees would lead to a two- and the proposed merger between Imperial with Doncaster University to form an tiered university system where the most important thing to secure a place would be a healthy bank account.” Ms. Telford even suggests that a move to introduce top-up fees would encourage universities to give a false impression to students, since deliberate over-charging for fees could “reassure students they are receiving top tuition.” The concerns of the NUS President also A former pro-vice chancellor of the incur the possibility that a change to the University of London, Geoffrey Alderman, current funding system could lead to the has warned that “several nasty hornets’ nests UK’s very own “ivy league” – the current are likely to be disturbed by the [proposed term given to the most revered colleges merger].” He suggests that though certain in America. She claims that “the US still institutes may be able to survive, he would discriminates against the poor” and that “not put money” on establishments such as “higher fees significantly hamper [student’s] Royal Holloway or even the London School prospects and academic performance.” of Economics to make it through any merger Ms. Telford concludes: “Students and knock-on effects. The reasons cited for this the public were not happy with the system are the fees that are most-likely to be charged introduced in 1997. NUS campaigning from courses such as the arts and social ensured the government ruled out the sciences: if these courses are to cost the possibility of top-up fees during this same as the more traditional subjects, such parliament. We may have been waiting a as maths and the sciences, then subscription long time for the result of the review, but I rates are likely to drop significantly. cannot believe we have been so long that the Mr Alderman warns that creating super- government believes the public has changed universities could threaten the autonomy their mind. Yes, the government has a huge of the degree awarding bodies and that the majority in the House of Commons, but Imperial-USL merger could lead to “one of treating the views of the electorate with such the bloodiest intra-university battles within contempt is a very dangerous game for any living memory.” government to play.” 31 October 2002 NEWS 3 Margaret Hodge refuses to answer funding questions at funding lobby Student officers across the country frustrated by lack of candidness displayed by the Minister for Lifelong Learning

THE MINISTER FOR Lifelong Learning, Margaret Hodge, By Richard Watts The review has been the focus of student’s campaigning refused to answer questions on funding from student activists for some months now. It was originally intended to be as she addressed the student officers gathered at the Houses As we approach the findings of the funding review the published in October 2001 as a reaction to the elctorates of Parliament last week. She told a packed Commons government needs to recognise that unfilled promises and dissatisfaction with the government’s handling of student committee room that she did not wish to pre-empt the empty rhetoric will not appease an increasingly dissatisfied funding. Following the resignation of Estelle Morris as government’s higher education strategy document, which electorate. The public did not like tuition fees, they do not Education Secretary, it is rumoured that the review may she confirmed will be released within the next six weeks. want top up fees and a refusal to discuss the topic does not once again be delayed so that her successor, Charles When asked: “If widening participation is a government help the government’s case.” Clarke, can consider the options fully. priority how could top up fees still be on the agenda?” Ms Hodge said she would not answer with the release of the strategy document so close and refused to answer any further questions on the future of student funding. Students then challenged her on the government’s current funding policy and how it she felt it reconciled with the widening participation agenda. However she refused to defend the government’s current policies, again hiding behind the forthcoming strategy document. Speaking from the lobby NUS National President, Mandy Telford, said: “Students are angry that the Minister agreed to speak at [the NUS] lobby, yet refused to answer questions on student funding. For too long now the government has hidden behind the smokescreen of the ongoing review. Hundreds of Charles Clarke: the new Education Secretary students turned up today to represent their members to their MPs and the disdain from many participants showed the strength of feeling from the student movement.” She continued: “The government needs to not only listen to The Independent students but also to provide them with the answers - in the same way that is accountable to the rest of the country. says “the rich should pay more”

Why we went to lobby MP’s at Parliament last week By Richard Watts

I have to confess that the Funding The 50% target since abolishing fees (why can’t IN THE MONTHLY education supplement Future Campaign has been glossed over a we?). of its publication, The Independent has said bit, despite the best efforts of the NUS. I So...to cut to the chase, on Wednesday of that it believes the “rich should pay more” suppose the reason for that is that my days last week, Paul Wright and I went off to when it comes to tuition fees. In the leader are spent with the people that financial London with about 100 other officers from comment, published last Thursday (24th hardship is affecting (amongst other things). around the UK. We had a pointless talk and October), the article comments: “We [The I didn’t really dedicate the time to going question time with Margaret Hodge, who Independent] are in favour of well-heeled through all the information properly, but I had the nerve to claim that the Government students being made to pay more. Why rd was jolted into action on Wednesday 23 TONI BORNEO is dedicated to Widening Participation and should they benefit from what has hitherto and Paul and I went off to lobby Parliament. VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION that she wasn’t going to tell us what is in been a generous subsidy to the better-off To backtrack a bit, we are all concerned AND WELFARE the White Paper. She chuckled a little too and better-educated.” about the content of the ominous White often for my liking. The article, which was responding to Paper, which although complete remains •A means tested grant for low income Then we all went off to green card our the announcement by Imperial College a secret until its release some time in students MPs, ours being Sue Doughty (Liberal London regarding the introduction of November. The Select Committee, •A loan repayment threshold of £20, 000 Democrat). Sue was extremely supportive, university top-up fees, recognises the headed by Margaret Hodge (Minister for •Increase the loan available as there is saying that times have changed for the changes being made to higher education, Lifelong Learning), has recommended that currently a significant shortfall worse since she lived in a council flat saying: “One minute we were in the old Universities be given freedom to introduce •Access to loans for Postgraduate students and still had the opportunity to study at Soviet-style age of higher education as the top-up fees they deem appropriate for •Research into the needs of part time University. She said that it is the duty of the a command economy; the next, we are their institution. This is likely to create an students Government to invest properly in Higher facing a capitalist future.” It also accepts American-style two tier system of elite •Review the categories of students entitled Education and they should stop treating it that the problem with the introduction and regular Universities, the criteria for to Housing Benefit and Income ‘like a nursery.’ She was happy to sign a of market fees is that they will send out application being family income. Oxbridge Support statement in support of NUS’s requests and the “wrong message” to those belonging institutions could decide on figures up to You’d think that, having set a Widening wishes us luck. to the disadvantaged sections of society £15, 000. Participation target of 50% of 18-30 In all, the Students’ Union Officers who traditionally do not attend university, The committee also recommends that LEA year old having some HE Qualification, collected around 200 signatures and are still and thus suggests that grant payments loans should now have a government or the Government might realise that the in search of more. Vice Chancellors are also are brought back for those students from commercial rate of interest. There seems main reasons that this target seems so being asked to put their name forward in poorer families. to be no suggestion of raising the payback unachievable are lack of incentive, lack support, but the we all recognise that this is The burden of higher education on the threshold higher than the current £10, 000 of money and fear of debt. Incentive can less likely. tax-paying public is brought to the fore per year, even though average graduate be worked on by Widening Participation The next step in the action plan is the and the juggling act that government earnings are around £1770 and ten grand initiatives (as demonstrated by UniS biggest ever demonstration on the 4th ministers have to balance in order to barely pays the rent. WP team). But money problems and December. The NUS gets accused of succeed where everyone is concerned. So what do we make of this? Students are debt aren’t going to go away with the marching for marching’s sake. But if there’s “It cannot be right,” concludes the leader, not necessarily of the same view, but NUS introduction of higher fees, an elitist Higher ever been a reason to get really p**sed off “that taxpayers who traditionally don’t acts on the democratic vote of students’ Education system and higher interest and make the trip to the protest, this is it. use higher education have to subsidise the representatives at Conference in July. This rates on loans. I don’t mind saying that if Top up fees promote snobbery, elitism degrees of...Britain’s professional classes. year, this is what NUS were mandated to this recommendation goes through, I will and the downfall of the arts and smaller Universities have been starved enough of campaign for: consider this Government to be a joke. courses and institutions. Do you really want funds; they desperately need more money. •An end to fees And not a particularly funny one, at that. to ignore this threat to education and let it They should be charging the rich enough to •Prevention of top up fees Incidentally, Scotland has smashed that happen? subsidise the poor.” 4 COMMENT 31 October 2002

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION WWW.USSU.CO.UK

The precarious balancing act a Students’ Union must perform

The situation at the University of Sussex restrictive and bureaucratic outlooks such Students’ Union, which currently stands that neither side, and especially the Union, at their losing money at such a rate they could achieve anything in order to benefit will be bankrupt in two years, highlights the students. USSU and UniS are fortunate two issues surrounding the existence of a in this respect and let us hope that this Students’ Union: the dependency of a Union continues long into the future. on its parent institution and the financial The second main point is thus: if a Union difficulties faced by every Union the length does not have any money, then it cannot and breadth of the country. provide its members (that is to say, the The first point manifests itself in two students) with any services. No sports obvious ways and one less apparent aspect. clubs, no societies, no newspaper or radio Primarily, if an institution did not exist then - absolutely nothing. So in order to survive there would, quite obviously, be no students it must generate income alongside the and thus no Union; following on from the annual subvention and maintain financial self-evident is the financial dependency robustness, through commercial ventures, issue: without a block grant (the annual such that all non-commercial services can cash-handover, if you will) a Union would prosper. struggle greatly to maintain any sort of Thus, if prices at the bar go up then the financial equilibrium. money generated by such a move will We must also consider the relationship of directly benefit those that spend their money the Union with the institution. If UniS, there. It is a perfectly symmetric circle for example, thought of USSU as a mere whose balance is a difficult one to find: How ‘The Sniper’ made antidote for students and their studies, then generate money to benefit the students, but there would not be the mutual, respectful ensure you do not take so much money from relationship that the two bodies currently them that you act to their detriment. enjoy. Instead, there would be endless At Sussex, they are unfortunately struggling us all think again bickering, countless tales of criticism from with such a balancing act; long may USSU DOMINATING THE NEWS is that it’s the randomness both parties and, perhaps most revealingly, (and UniS) keep the piggy-bank balanced. over the past few weeks of these sniper attacks that has been the story of the make it so chilling. The fear “Washington Sniper”, and of walking on the streets Every once in a while, we should say the arrest of two suspects on and not knowing whether Wednesday 23rd October. The you will come back alive shootings left 10 people dead is a worrying testimony to thanks to those that govern us and three injured over a period the world we live in. The of three weeks. The reactions SARAH BUTTERWORTH normality of the crime scenes The last few weeks have had their fair- pable of taking many hundreds of lives. To to the arrests and the media’s – a petrol station, local share of dramas and talking points. Philip make any sort of decision, be it competent or portrayal of the suspects has supermarket, walking down Howard’s article on page six (The Aftermath not, is in itself an achievement. been mixed - in America, That the older suspect the street – makes us fear for of a Week) highlights just some of the events Turning our attentions homeward, Tony particularly in the Washington converted to Islam has our safety when gong about that have happened recently and it soon Blair wakes up in the morning to face, on area, there has been a become a prominent mundane, everyday tasks. brings into focus many things: how fragile the home front at least, “Stop the War” noticeable release of tension. talking point Although statistically one life is; how delicately balanced the Earth’s marches, students asking for their grants A good friend of mine attends individual has a miniscule make-up is and how lucky we are to be so to return, firemen demanding pay-rises, a university in Washington, and was only a chance of becoming a victim, it became fortunate. health service seemingly no-one is happy street away at the time of the shopping centre a very real fear for many of the people of What is often forgotten following such with, the on-going in-out debate concerning shooting on October 14th. She described Washington. situations as these, or more what is so of- Europe, public transport strikes and, lest we it as being, “too close to home” and said Much has been made of the media portrayal ten ignored, is the role leaders play in such forget, a family of four children to bring up. “the randomness of it all is so terrifying” – of the suspects. Although their motives events. For example, The Independent on His only consolation seems to be that there something we can’t quite imagine, being so are yet to be discovered, and could never Sunday commented that “Mr Putin’s reputa- is nothing so much as a whimper from the removed from the events as we are here. She become totally clear, the fact that the older tion for competence in the face of adversity Opposition benches. said it was a constant topic of conversation: suspect converted to Islam some years ago will have been strengthened” following the Though they often bear the brunt of so much people were staying away from main roads, has become a prominent talking point. Chechen seizure of the Russian opera house. criticism, perhaps it is time the leaders of scared to fill their cars with petrol, all the Whether this is relevant or not remains to Competence in the face of adversity? That the world had a little gratitude pushed their time wondering when it would happen be seen, but in some ways it is inevitable he could still walk should be considered a way. Sure there is plenty that we can moan again. After the arrests were made, traffic in the current War Against Terror that his triumph, with what can only be described about, but, when all is said and done, they on roads increased considerably, road works religion will be picked up on. For some, as the most unbelievable pressure on him a are simply people like the rest of us and are resumed and people were visibly calmer and the prominence of the phrase “two African human being could possibly face looking at susceptible to the same follies that we are relieved. There is little thought that it could American men have been arrested” could him through a balaclava and a resolution ca- vulnerable to. easily happen again, just relief that the spate be perceived as racist, or merely politically of killings has hopefully ended. correct. In fact, it’s far too large a kettle There has been talk of why these shooting of fish to be opened here. Inevitably, incidents have stirred up such a huge conclusions will be jumped to, but until THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK reaction in the UK, when 182 people were proven otherwise, one must remember killed (including around 32 British citizens) that terrorists come in all different shapes “A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.” when a car bomb exploded outside a and sizes – the motives for the killings, at JOSEPH STALIN (1879 - 1953), COMMUNIST LEADER nightclub in Bali on 12th October. The fact present, are mere speculation. 31 October 2002 COMMENT 5 If you want something then you have to pay for it

I FEEL IT is necessary to write else will have to pay for it in some extremely unmeritocratic. Do you the advantage of students being this article in response to Richard way or another. GRAEME PHILLIPS think George W. Bush came away able to force the Universities Watts’ “£15,000 tuition fees” and This then leads onto the question from the University of Harvard with their power as consumers John Slater’s “Super UniS: big but of who will pay for these things One thing must be with a Master of Business Degree to keep up the quality. The US not clever” articles (barefacts issue we all want. There are advantages understood: money has solely on merit given his displayed government has gone for the option 1041_ in order to try and inform and disadvantages to passing to come from somewhere intelligence? I don’t think so. We of creating a society where just the readers of this newspaper that the bill to different sectors of and if you want something would then have to initiate a series about everything is dependent on it is not possible to get something society. It is possible to charge the you or someone else will of scholarship programs to combat your ability to pay. New Zealand, for nothing. As my father has been poorer members of society. The have to pay for it this. my mother’s country of birth, has a pharmacist for at least the past advantage (from the Treasury’s Different countries have chosen undergone the transition from state 20 years or so, I am sure he is no point of view) is that they are they may decide to go to another to take different paths, with regard to personal responsibility. It was doubt aware of mergers that have less mobile and will find it more country that offers better value for to higher education funding. I the very first country in the entire taken place in the pharmaceutical difficult to avoid having to pay money. have enclosed the web address world to introduce the welfare industry. more taxes. However, this sort of Given that the current situation for the article this information has state. However, this was no longer The first issue I feel that needs thing is decidedly iniquitous, as we is unacceptable and unsustainable, come from below.* possible when the UK joined the to be addressed is the one of will be running them further into we are faced with two choices Denmark has decided to fund EU, causing a huge loss of trade, underfunding in the UK’s the ground and there is not quite about how to move forward. One higher education very well and then came the land claims. universities. It ought to be so much money there to be taken. option is to increase taxation, publicly and tuition fees are The state had to stop funding a abundantly clear that we cannot Another option is to take a Robin which would lead to higher taxes nominal or non-existent and lot of things. Higher education continue in the situation we are in was one of them. The problem of of underfunded Universities and funding may perhaps have been that we have to do something about alleviated slightly, but the New it. Imperial College has probably “THE UK IS STUCK AND Zealanders have not yet been able been trying to find a solution to to adjust to the change, as they the deadlock, i.e. these high fees. have an extremely low saving rate However, the UK should be proud of -2%. If we are going to make a that in the industrialised world, HAS COME TO A BIT similar conversion, we will have to only Japan has a lower student be prepared for this. drop-out rate than us. A conclusion to be made from It also goes without saying that OF A STANDSTILL OVER this article is that the USA everyone wants more money. We and Denmark (possibly New want lower purchase taxes so that Zealand as well) have decided we can buy our goods cheaper. HIGHER EDUCATION.” which option to choose and can We want to not have to pay in consequently move forward. The excess of 75p per litre for petrol. *Reference: http://www.lsda.org.uk/pubs/dbaseout/download.asp?code=1301R UK, on the other hand, is stuck We want to have our healthcare Hood attitude of robbing from the and the question of who will pay Danish higher education students in the middle and has come to and education funded in order rich and giving to the poor. This is them and also the consequence that receive very generous amounts a bit of a standstill over higher that we don’t have to spare the advantageous in that there would the job of keeping up the quality in of money from the government. education. In the USA, much of money to fund it ourselves. We not be the same iniquity associated higher education will be given to However, the downside is that the the public has started to accept want to have lower income taxes with it as with taxing poor people bureaucrats, who have their own Scandinavian countries (including that they are having to fund higher so that our take-home pay can be and there is much more there to be political interests with Universities Denmark) have some of the education themselves in exchange higher. People in the public sector taken. ON the other hand, if we and consequently aren’t generally highest rates of taxation in the for lower taxation, whereas many are wanting more money. Nurses tax the rich too much, they will as effective at keeping up quality industrialised world. The Danish Danish are prepared to keep and doctors are wanting to be paid get up and emigrate to a country as market forces. Another option government has gone for a “Nanny paying ever higher taxes as long as more and the public is demanding that has lower taxes and doesn’t is to reduce taxes and make it State” option. they continue to have world class a world class health service. penalise them for being successful one’s own personal responsibility The USA has chosen the other public services. Until the UK Firefighters are wanting a pay rise and when they do that, they will to save for one’s children’s option of charging people less in chooses one option or the other, of 40%. The question that must be take their income and the jobs education. However, this idea taxes, but with the caveat that it i.e. accepting that you cannot get asked is who is going to pay for all they provide and then the country comes with the caveat that getting is one’s personal responsibility to something for nothing and that these things we are wanting? One can end up even worse off than into higher education will be fund one’s children’s education. if you want something, you or thing that must be understood is before. It is also difficult to make dependent upon one’s ability to This leads to well-funded someone else will ultimately have that money for everything has to international students pick up the pay, so excluding many poorer Universities, but one’s ability to to pay for it, we have no chance of come from somewhere and if you bill as there aren’t always enough students, which would mean that enter them is dependent on whether moving forward over the issue of want something, you or someone of them to pass the bill onto and higher education would become one can afford it. This comes with higher education funding.

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? If you have a complaint about any item in this The views expressed within the paper are those of individual newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, 2002 - 2003 authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the it. University of Surrey. If you remain dissatisfied please contact the editor in chief | richard watts This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, Press Complaints Commission - an independant stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express organisation established to uphold an editorial Code permission of the publisher beforehand. of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide All submissions must include the author’s name and Union editor | position vacant position vacant | art editor by their decision. deputy editor | position vacant position vacant | sports editor or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. news editor | position vacant position vacant | lifestyle editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editor | alex read + simon robinson position vacant | features editor 1 Salisbury Square barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB film editor | stewart fudge + jolyon hunter chris hunter + mike chang | photography Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor | sara li + rachael bemrose chris ward | literature editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351

WWW.USSU.CO.UK If you are interested in a position on the editorial team or writing for barefacts, please come along to the Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea editorial meeting | thursday | 5pm | in the media centre | e-mail [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 6 COMMENT 31 October 2002 The aftermath of a week

THERE ARE NOW three men in custody in America, destined by all accounts for the death sentence – they are even moving one of them to Virginia so that he can have the death sentence. Across the end of the sniper case, the papers are daubed with the news of 118 dead – a figure PHILIP HOWARD that will undoubtedly rise – in the apparently bungled Russian How preventable were rescue operation. By not any of these events? concentration right or at least the Arab world is deepening, as military response. But these releasing the information about I can’t see any new way of divulged the details of the talks of war with Iraq with no hopes are looking more like gas used, so that the affected UN backing again flare up as death tolls that won’t stop the nerve gas used, they have predicting the weather... managed to stir speculation and survivors could be treated. the UN Security Council fails than losses that could have lose face in front of their own Perhaps the sniper attacks in to come up with an agreement. been somehow averted. What people, the ones least sensitive US embassy official’ was the US could have been averted If we are not careful soon even matters here is our response to to the Chechen cause. On top of assassinated outside his home in had it not been so easy to obtain the Iraqi people will want us the problems – are we going to this horrific total, is the closer Amman, Jordan, and on Sunday weapons. I can’t see any new to leave their dictator alone. do something? If we do nothing, to home figure of twenty dead a Palestinian suicide bomber way of predicting the weather, Comparisons with Vietnam the suicide bombers will carry in the gales that swept North- took himself and three Israeli but perhaps now we know to creep through the comment on, Iraq will get closer to West Europe on Saturday night, soldiers to an early grave. stay away from wooded areas in columns, as Americans take becoming a serious problem, seven of those in Britain. The It’s been a busy week indeed Mr the wind. The suicide bombings to the streets in a manner and the Israel-Palestine conflict propensity for trees to crush Reaper. and the assassinations will reminiscent of the height of could completely destabilise the people is worrying, with six of So across the world families unfortunately continue. I’d hate civil unrest during the Vietnam region. The UN needs to make the seven (including all three mourn for husbands, wives, to think what the total number War. up its mind whether it wants to children) killed by falling trees children, siblings and parents of people killed by suicide I was hoping for good news be a significant part of world or branches – the seventh was and curse the various instigators bombers is, particularly as we this week, that the UN Security politics or not. And unless it an angler who got swept out to of these tragedies. But how don’t have any sort of obvious Council members would agree sorts itself out pretty quickly sea. But snipers, terrorists and preventable were any of these? plan to stop it happening. Anti- on a resolution, that those who are prepared to act trees where not the only killers. The Russians could have either US (and therefore anti-UK by Palestinian suicide bombers will do so, and the UN will fade On Monday morning a ‘senior not used nerve gas, got the association) feeling throughout would cease to provoke Israeli into the background.

Mother in the kitchen; whore in the bedroom: the search continues… Moving on into the Big Wide World means leaving behind the comfort of university life

THE WINDS OF change are blowing for emails from the careers department leave back home have been getting married those of you now starting your final year. you facing a grim reality. It’s time to and having babies whilst you’ve been Many are returning to Guildford after start working out what you’re going to away. Something along the lines of 12 months on placement, re-adapting do after university. There are probably the well-trodden stereotype describing to living off a loan instead of a salary, some vague ideas about travelling, mans ideal woman that forms this weeks and returning to halls which seem to seeing the world for a few years. Perhaps (unashamedly attention grabbing) title be smaller than you remember and are teaching English in South America, was the plan, but you’ve been too busy now only cleaned on Thursdays when building a hospital in Mozambique or having fun to bother with all that. the moon is full. The new intake of backpacking around Australia? Yeah, PAUL CANNING For the lucky folk in the first and second strikingly young faces and thrice-weekly that could be fun. A PhD maybe? Even year, decisions about anything longer term than “what am I having for tea Regularly oversleeping on tonight” can happily be put off for a good a Thursday now means a long while. For the rest of us, reality P45 and no reference bites. It’s time to face facts, scratching out a living, as a temp with a degree is all too easy a trap to fall into. We are better, you can tell all your mates apparently known as the ‘Bridget Jones’ to “Trust me, I’m a doctor” and generation. This doesn’t mean that you buy yourself three more years to have to start eating lots of ice cream, work out what you want to do. put on three stone and begin keeping a Then there is the dreaded “C” diary, but that we are the generation that word: career. Get a full time job: is constantly searching for something, now regularly oversleeping on a without really knowing what it is. Thursday due to a hangover does Personally, I’ve just spent 13 months on not mean copying up some lecture placement, “working for a living”, and notes, but a P45 and no reference. don’t think I’m quite ready for another The money will be nice, but where 35 years of that. Now, where are my will you live? Can you face living walking boots and backpack…..? with your parents again, having spent three years off the leash? It’s then you remember that you If you are interested in writing news were kind of hoping to meet or opinion pieces in barefacts, then your perfect partner whilst at uni, get in touch: [email protected]. and recall that your mates from Communicate properly. 31 October 2002 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 7 Seriously what week? LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected] THIS WEEK, YOU may have you all as you drift along in EN UPPER been told, is Seriously Sexy B S pairs, hands enfolded within Week. So, come Tuesday or manipulating hands, uncaring barefacts “intended for children’s” reading Wednesday, you may possibly It would be an excellent for our plight. I speak for have seen your cohorts idea to devote a week to those among us who would Dear barefacts, Watling. I am glad Rhett Butler is not a in a corner of the Union, those of us who really otherwise suffer in solitude real person as the reviewer has completely hilariously filling subsidised need help: the Seriously the squeaking bedsprings, I am writing to comment on your review of misjudged him and not taken into account condoms with shaving foam the suffocated panting gasps, “Gone With The Wind” on page 10 of issue any circumstances. Tragic Week and squirty cream. This is and the rhythmic nocturnal 1040, Thursday 17th October 2002. I have To round this e-mail off, I would suggest all very well, because it’s an thudding of headboard against to say that it is the worst film review I have that next time you do a film review, you get Amusing Activity with a Serious Message bedroom wall. Those of us who despise ever seen. The person watching “Gone someone who has actually watched the film -- that in the midst of a fug of alcohol and your apathy towards us; all your cooing With The Wind” was obviously asleep for properly and someone who is capable of adrenaline, the split second before you and your baby talk; your undemocratic most of the film. Apart from that, it was writing impartially (barefacts seems to be abandon yourself to the warmth of that monopolisation of our kitchens, our living extremely one-sided. I am glad the film completely incapable of any impartiality on tight-skinned little first year with her large rooms, and our sleeping hours. isn’t a real life event, as the writer would anything). Amid the decadence and preaching this have no credibility as a reviewer. It said Please bear in mind that myself, along week, I would like to voice an alternative in the article that he ultimately abandoned with other members of the University point of view. As the function of a Union Scarlett (the wife) and Bonnie (the child). have a reading age that enables us to read “IT COULD is to assist the downtrodden and to support If the reviewer had actually bothered to something more complex than one of the the weak, it would be an excellent idea to watch the film, (s)he would have noticed tabloids like The Sun and that we are very devote a week next semester to those of us that Bonnie died shortly before he walked tired of partiality in newspapers like these. BE FOR who really need your help: to the huddled out on the wife. You talk about him I would also like to be regarded as an adult collective who are mystified by the stifling walking out on THEIR child; in the book, when you write articles for people like me, self-destructive Mummies and Daddies Scarlett had two children from her previous as your newspaper is intended for children THOSE WHO roleplay of many campus couples, who two marriages, but Bonnie was the only one who cannot spot partiality and when are oblivious to the allure of casual sex, she and Rhett had “together”, except for the someone hasn’t actually watched what they and who are ignorant of the delights of the one she lost when she fell down the stairs. are reviewing. SET FOOT ‘Superclub’ ambience to which the Union is If you read the book and/or watch the film, determined to aspire. I am also convinced you will find that it is unlikely that Rhett Yours, that a huge wealth of untapped profit could physically committed adultery during the IN THE be released by exploiting this forgotten marriage to Scarlett with the hooker, Belle GRAEME PHILLIPS citizenry. Next semester, I would like to propose UNION ONLY a Seriously Tragic week at the Union, in celebration of those people who have never Treat the Union building with respect, please been to Friday Night Out because they’re TO too busy working. To glorify those who can never appreciate the point of going Dear barefacts, destruction imparted by this sad section of clubbing, ostensibly to socialise, if the our membership? There must be something PATRONISE music’s turned up so loud you can’t actually Why oh why oh why do people insist on we can do. Perhaps next time you see one have a conversation. Those among us who, vandalising the Union? I am fed up with the of these wierdo’s writing on the walls, feeling like fish out of water, set foot in the amount of graffiti and breakages caused to you should follow them home, pull out THE Union only to patronise the weekly fruit and the building, particularly in the toilets. Do the marker pen you always take on a night vegetable market. these stupid people really think I care about out, and describe your sex life in detail on Seriously Tragic week could be a great their homosexual exploits in the library? their bathroom wall. I’m sorry, but that’s FRUIT & success. I can see Friday night now: Do they honestly believe that the best the only thing I can come up with to show a sober, well-lit Student Union full of forum to complain about the food service these irresponsible kids how stupid they VEGETABLE stony-faced postgraduates, pint glasses is on the wall of a toilet cubicle? Do they are. in hands, staring fixedly at laptop screens think before breaking the locks, doors or It’s Your Union- Why not start treating it and Powerpoint demonstrations, discussing even ceramics? And if I wanted my small right? (Please engrave all replies to this MARKET.” organic chemistry. The disco lighting could red fruit bursting, I wouldn’t think the gents letter into the paint of your own house, not be set to sweep slowly and rhythmically was the place to do it. our Union.) overhead to remind us of joyless hours spent It’s got to stop. How much extra are eyes and her cute laugh, or to that handsome in the photocopying rooms in the library. all of us paying on our beer, just so the Yours, guy with the aquiline nose, the wide smile, Walls could be covered with cloyingly Union can afford to repair the wanton WILF D’LAMPY and the motorbike, you should pause for academic poster presentations, vacuous a couple of seconds to imagine spending modern religious iconography, photographs the rest of your life incubating gonorrheal of financially successful alumni nestling Dear Editor, pustules, pissing blood, and possessing an amid pictures of faraway, forgotten wars: infectious brand of infertility. anything to remind us of the depressing, I’m sure you’ve seen the recent news article about us Britons knowing more about soaps Sex, you will be told with multiple hedonistic mentality which it is our own than politics which isn’t surprising, nor necessarily a sad fact I feel. A lot of politics is exclamation marks, is great!!!!! But Hark, miserable legacy to perpetuate. All designed about people bickering with another rather than discussing issues. what’s this? for those of you who are lucky to reinforce the fact that throughout the But what was also covered by the same survey and which doesn’t seemed to have received enough for temptation to come your way, whole world, there are other people who much coverage (which I presume means the media didn’t find it surprising) is the fact, you mustn’t abandon your critical faculties. matter just as little. “The survey also revealed that men are twice as likely to know about news and current Oh no. With capability comes responsibility, Rather than forking out tons of our affairs than women. Only 8% of women could name five world leaders, compared with and all of you young adults need to stop money to hire an ironic band who will be 17% of men. “ acting like you own some kind of patent for ineffectually miming their ironic music This backs up what I always thought, that if you want to have a good discussion about the act of sexual intercourse. You naughty, to an ironic Minidisc, you could hand anything in the news you’re better off going to a guy. What I want to know is why is that? naughty people. Toni Borneo fifty quid to stand on stage, Is it because men dominate world affairs and this turns women off? Is it because women It’s important that you’re careful, of course, quietly and carefully reciting some of the are socially/intrinsically programmed to care more about things on a personal level such as and frankly, you owe it to the rest of us. I’m less accomplished works of Philip Larkin, people and relationships? Or do men just like to be opinionated on everything? referring not to your subsequent partners, but Samuel Beckett, George Orwell, Aldous to the rest of us who, numb with frustration Huxley, John Betjeman ... anything to set us Yours sincerely, and choked by boluses of tears, watch in the right frame of mind. BADRUL ALOM 8 UNION 31 October 2002 Buckle up: the excitement of the oney constitution is upon you! atters Last week I outlined how (Tuesday 12th November, TheseM observations may be worth thinking about as you student council works and 1pm, Lecture Theatre L) budget for the end of semester... what the Union is as an we will be putting forward Staff at the Student Advice & Information Service organisation. That leads on the new constitution for you talk to many students who are experiencing money quite nicely to this week’s to vote on. In parallel, the problems and we have found that students who smoke, topic: the constitution. The university will be looking have a mobile phone or are running a car appear to be the ones who frequently have problems constitution outlines what through the new constitution “balancing the books”. So here are some thoughts that may help to save some precious makes up the Union in terms and approving it as a correct cash: of committee structures, legal document. Smoking AUL RIGHT officer positions and groups P W Next week barefacts will Have you ever figured out how much a year you spend on this habit? (sports clubs, societies USSU PRESIDENT cover the new constitution If you smoke 10 cigarettes a day = 70 a week = 3640 a year @ £4.80 for a packet of 20 then and amenities). By law a in depth, what it means to this costs you £873.60 a year. If you were to cut down to just 8 a day this would save you students’ union must have a you and what changes have £174.72 a year... constitution in the same way The constitution been made. That article Mobile Phone that a university must have could be described as will also be published with Is every call you make really that necessary? It might be an idea to look at other deals and schedules and regulations. quite a dry document the new constitution on tariffs on the market to find a better deal for you – remember, companies are competing As it is considered a legal www.ussu.co.uk early next fiercely for customers and changing their offers all the time. Would something like ‘pay as requirement the constitution week prior to barefacts you go’ be a better option for you? could be described as quite a dry document coming out. Car but it does prescribe how almost every It might not hurt to walk every once in a while, otherwise you might have to fork out for part of the Union should work and gives a insurance renewal and at least £10 of petrol each week. If you have to renew your insurance, framework for members to work from. Seriously Sexy Week make sure you ring around and get the cheapest price for this year... One of last year’s sabbatical officers, Don’t forget, if you do run into financial difficulties, then SAIS is here to help you (although James Buller, took on the enormous task if you’re a heavy smoker, mobile phone or car user, then our advice may be that you cut of re-writing our constitution from scratch. down). Luckily he wasn’t alone; he got help from the National Union of Students and Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court researched other student union constitutions. t: [68]9261 | e: [email protected] From these beginnings he has produced what I believe to be a more representative, democratic organisation structure and set This year, we thought we’d put a naughty non-discriminative registered charity who of rules. raffle to a good cause. Look out fora offer free services to its members. However what I think doesn’t matter, it Seriously Sexy Raffle at Drag and Fetish Other services include support groups, st is you, the membership of the Union, that Night on Friday 1 November. For 50p a providing refreshment, company and taster need to agree. Taking forward James’ work, go, you could win anything from fluffy sessions of a selection of complementary Rich (VP Communications & Marketing) handcuffs to a little pink vibrator (ooh!). therapies. and myself have merely tweaked the There are prizes for the boys too… If you are interested in volunteering for constitution whilst crossing ‘t’s and dotting All proceeds will go to Raft Surrey, who Raft, pop into the Union. To contact some ‘i’s. At the next student council provide confidential support and befriending them directly for information, e-mail HIV and AIDS... to anyone infected or affected by HIV or [email protected]. AIDS in the Surrey area. This is a totally NOTICES

OFU AGM 31st October 6.30pm Media Centre

Singapore Society AGM 6th November 7.30pm LT F sex cells Mauritian Society AGM 7th Movember 7.30pm LT G

Juggling Society AGM 11th Movember 6pm AP 3

LGBT EGM 12th November 7.30pm TB 20B

GU2 EGM 21st November 6.15pm Grant Mitchell Committee Room

Volleyball Club AGM - Thursday 31st October - Sports Hall - 8pm

Seriously Sexy Week week eight | 28.10 - 01.11 for more info e-mail [email protected] 31 October 2002 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 9 The eternal student For anyone who’s had a really minimum requirement for good time at University, the these, but in practice course thought of leaving can be quite directors may ask for at least depressing. At least one way of a 2.1 if it’s a really popular giving yourself an extension is course. You are also more to do some sort of postgraduate likely to obtain funding with a In a departure from the usual graduate profile we have here each edition, this week’s pro- study, though I wouldn’t higher degree class. file is from an A-level student hoping to attend university once she has finished her exams necessarily recommend staying Another good reason for and the such-like. on for that reason alone. There doing a postgraduate degree DR RUSS CLARK are, arguably, more positive is that it could improve your LAURA BUTLER reasons for doing a postgraduate employment prospects. WORK EXPERIENCE STUDENT qualification. I shall never forget a PhD Only 2.7% of UK postgrads For example, if you see yourself entomologist who was to- were unemployed in 2001 I am currently studying for my AS levels in a long term research career, compared with 6.2% of tally dedicated to finding at St Catherines Sixth Form, Bramley, and then a PhD is a tremendous asset, undergraduates. Mind you, a job with butterflies have chosen to take English Literature, since it confirms your ability to it’s still possible to go down French, History, Economics, Photography carry out effective research. It also means you a path which makes things worse for you. I and General Studies. Having always been can compete more effectively with colleagues shall never forget a PhD entomologist I once enthusiastic about writing and presenting my when promotion opportunities come up. By interviewed who was totally dedicated to own opinions and ideas, I wanted to follow the way, you’ll need to be expecting a 2.1 if finding a job working with butterflies. He’d a path leading to a career in journalism, you want to stand a realistic chance of getting been looking for 18 months when I first met although I remain undecided as to which a place and the funding to go with it. him. Who knows, maybe he made it. But specific area. On the other hand, you may be considering there’s a lesson to be learned there for anyone This week I have been fortunate enough a career which requires more specialised considering postgraduate study - think about to be provided with the opportunity to knowledge than your first degree provided. where it might lead you. A lot of people undertake work experience in this particular Masters courses are tailor-made to meet take a further degree only to find they are field. With much help from the Careers these demands with virtually every subject no better off at the end of it. That can be an department at school, I was recommended from actuarial work to zoology covered in expensive mistake if you have to finance it that I write to the Press Office at the one course or another. A 2.2 is usually the yourself. University of Surrey and send my CV. Much to my excitement and appreciation, I was offered a week’s placement. I was By Philip Howard prepared for the possibility that I may be doing trivial things, like making cups of tea, which I was still rather put off by, but still but to accept it...! lacement warm croissants. So I got four of them However, I am very privileged that the as university life. On Wednesday I helped straight off the bakery trolley, before they so team in the Marketing and Public Affairs out at the Information Day, where I had the much as hit the shelves. Despite leaving my Department have made a huge effort chance to talk to future students who have copy of The Guardian at the till and having to give me a real insight to the various made the choices I will soon be making, S EAK to go back for it, I made it into work for ten areas of journalism. During my week, and have a proper look round campus, and past, and duly sat down with my fattening I have been able to witness and observe the facilities and accommodation available. delight. But tasty as it was, I don’t think I how the university is publicised through As well as this, I got to find out a bit more can keep it up. The croissants don’t turn up both newspaper and radio. I visited the about the Student Union, and how barefacts until 8.30 to 9.00 each day, and I’m usually Surrey Advertiser where Matt Burrows, is produced in time for its weekly deadline, In another depature from the usual in and reading the news by 8.20. Add that to the Senior Editor, kindly agreed to give and I worked with the Alumni team, Profession Page output, we give you a the fact that I already spend £3.50 a day in me an informative tour of their offices learning about the scheme they have set up somewhat “alternative” view on the things the work canteen and adding another £2.50 and newsrooms. Paul at BBC Southern in order for graduates to keep in touch with thatP matter during placement... to that means I’m spending £30 a week in Counties Radio on campus also gave me a the university. breakfast and lunch. Given that I’m saving tour of the studios and talked to me about It’s hard to do justice to everything At 8.50 last Friday I was standing in up for several things including a rowing how important it is to remain conscious of I’ve done this week but I’ve loved it! Teddington’s Tesco Express, facing a bare machine, a DVD player and a new PC I’m the type and age-range of your audience, as Involvement in the world of journalism and croissant shelf. I have to blame this on a not entirely sure that this £12.50 a week it obviously affects the type of stories you the media is definitely a career path I wish combination of things, one of which being habit is a good idea, particularly when you would run. to pursue, possibly via the radio, which is by friend and previously housemate Matt. consider the probable fat content of those Spending a week here at UniS has been something I had never contemplated before Yes you. He was the one that introduced me all-butter croissants. an added bonus; I’ve had the opportunity this week! It has been a hugely worthwhile to the delights of cheese-topped baps, good Of course this is all very well but you’re all to experience the world of work as well experience, thanks for having me! wine and fancy French food. Not croissants, at uni being skint students, and the luxury I hasten to add – I had always loved of hot croissants every day isn’t available croissants. But of late I’ve started taking unless you’re a roots regular. Except you can. This weeks careers & skills talks a daily detour to said store (my, aren’t we Now that Tesco deliver to campus addresses, American today) to pick up a copy of The just grab hold of a couple of housemates, Guardian, a pint of milk, 500ml of Volvic, 3 head down to the AP labs and order yourself SKILLS TRAINING NHS croissants and a four-pack of cheese-topped some croissants, among other things. The MONDAY 4 NOVEMBER 6.30pm | LT F HOW TO SURVIVE THE INTERVIEW* Opportunities for graduates from any discipline baps. On this particular morning, however, delivery is only £5, so if there are several WEDNESDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2pm | LT B with at least a 2.2 to join general and financial there were no cheese-topped baps and no of you ordering that becomes negligible. A A repeat workshop for anyone unable to attend on 23 management training schemes. croissants. So I was in a quandary. Do I find good tip is to order less food more often, it October. Please register with Careers something else to munch on whilst I browse tends to keep things a bit fresher and you AIRBUS UK* PRACTICE APTITUDE TEST* MONDAY 4 NOVEMBER 6pm | OAK SUITE 1 the Bulletin Board (I plug it where I can don’t have to annoy the other people sharing THURSDAY 7 NOVEMBER 6.15pm | LT A Details of opportunities for graduates in all – bb.ussu.co.uk) and the headlines, or do I your fridge. The limiter in the first year for The tests we run are parallel to those that many engineering disciplines. There are also opportunities not eat anything? I must admit that this ~£2 me was having to carry everything you buy employers use as part of the selection process. There in finance, procurement and human resources. a day Tesco habit is moderately expensive in back from Tesco – the first time myself and are three sections designed to test your logical thinking. Please register with Careers. VODAFONE* the long run, but is ultimately satisfying. In a friend tried it we bought far too much and THURSDAY 7 NOVEMBER 6pm | OAK SUITE 1 the end I wandered over to the sandwiches had it all in those nasty polythene jobbies. Details of about 100 opportunities for graduates from all disciplines in IT, marketing, finance and sales. section and prepared to double my bill. Just Needless to say things took a turn for the EMPLOYER PRESENTATIONS one more check to see if they’ve put the worse when it started raining, and again croissants out yet, I thought. when one of my bags split. Well I’m off to They’d arrived! Huzzah! Warm all-butter get some hot croissants, and maybe start a *Please register with Careers by email [email protected], or in person. croissants, lovely. No cheese-topped baps, French crêpe habit. Thanks Matt. Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information A MATTER OF TASTE COMPETITION another new feature! what’s on your cam- win tickets worth pus stereo: the tunes £120 to this year’s that are pumping from charity dinner dance! the windows... posh!

XXX More or less pre-sold as a “James as one masterfully rendered, if lunatics, but manage to be Bond”-inspired franchise for hilariously over-the-top, action somewhat memorable. In almost the 21st century, there are both set-piece follows the next. any other movie, these debits similarities and differences in xXx As the movie starts, Xander Cage would be a cinematic kiss of to the debonair spy who likes his is an extreme sportsman in trouble death, but because xXx is not drinks shaken, not stirred. While with the law. Instead of getting supposed to be high art, or even both are smooth with the ladies arrested, however, he is elected by make that much sense, they can and out to save the world from NSA Agent Gibbons to become be reasonably overlooked. a megalomaniac, Xander Cage a secret agent and infiltrate a What really matters in a film of is younger, tougher, buffer, and dangerous organisation biding this genre is how impressive the tattooed. The action sequences he their time in Prague. Once there, action scenes are, and director is involved in, while perhaps no Xander discovers that this group Rob Cohen and his group of more elaborate than Bond’s, are of men, known as “Anarchy 99,” stuntmen have frankly outdone decidedly more death-defying. is planning to put into action a themselves. From a fiery, bullet- xXx, is the type of motion deadly biological weapon on flying helicopter/motorcycle picture for which the term several countries of the world. He chase, to a bungee-jumping “leave your brain at the door” is aided in his quest by the sultry trip off a bridge in a car, to a was invented for. If you go Yelena , whom he isn’t quite sure meticulously filmed and awe- into the film expecting a is on his side or not. inspiring avalanche sequence masterpiece of nuances and From the very beginning, xXx that has to be seen to be believed, subtlety, believability, logic, and is a complete mess of illogical xXx is that rare action film that invigorating character interactions story threads and giant plot holes satisfies because it gets its key and dialogue, then you are most (if “Anarchy 99” is planning to ingredient down just right. The definitely barking up the wrong blow up Prague, wouldn’t they be avalanche scene, in particular, tree. Intended as nothing more wiping out their own country and may have some viewers audibly than mindless entertainment, their very existence?). Likewise, gasping and holding onto their action hero. Regrettably, Diesel director Rob Cohen realises it succeeds on the sole basis the dialogue, from a screenplay armrests in excitement. It may doesn’t get much of a chance to that the action is what audience of getting the heart pumping written by Rich Wilkes, is also just make you gasp at the act in xXx, but he more than holds members are coming to see, so he shamelessly sheer stupidity of it all. his own as the star attraction never lingers long enough for the cornball, with a There is a reason that the of the film. Less victorious is movie to grow monotonous. xXx bevy of one-liners muscular, head-shaven, baritone- Samuel L. Jackson, strictly taking is dumb and it’s trashy, but there meant to evoke voiced Vin Diesel is fast his paycheck and running in the are obviously more adventures laughs but that becoming a superstar. As proven throwaway part of the facially for Xander Cage to go on in the only elicit groans. by his self-directed 1994 short scarred Agent Gibbons. future (a sequel is already in the The deliriously film,Multi-Facial , 1998’s Saving When xXx finally stops long planning stages). On the evidence maniacal villains, Private Ryan, and 2000’s Boiler enough for some exposition, as of this technically exhilarating headed by the Room, Diesel is a charismatic it must inevitably do, the movie first film, such a notion really slimy Yorgi, are performer who has the acting crashes and burns with poorly doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, a stock group chops of a pro, but he also has the conceived writing that a first-year after all. of cartoonish presence and physical build of an could see right through. Luckily, richard watts

SLAP HER, SHE’S FRENCH

Slap me, I liked it. I’m not sure why, but I performances shuttle the film along at a descent from the top of Mt. Popularity lighten up most scenes, and the screenplay, did. If the farcical title for actress-turned- brisk pace. is witnessed by a number of clichéd credited to at least seven different writers, director Melanie Mayron’s Slap Her, She’s characters, from her horny French teacher comfortably lands in the safe middle French doesn’t scare you away, there’s a to her lush of a mom and her far-smarter- ground between a teen spoof and a chance the worn-out premise will. Don’t than-you younger brother. But against all knowing, finger-on-the-pulse dramedy. Yes, let it. With tongue planted firmly in cheek, odds, the strong supporting cast wraps it eventually crumbles like a dry croissant, Mayron and her bubbly cast of newcomers “SLAP ME, these tired personas around their fingers to to borrow a phrase from Genevieve. But deliver a delectable little treat that’s sunny, produce some decent laughs. not before it slaps its teen target again and funny, and far more intelligent than you’d Mayron uses subtle comic touches to again. richard watts expect. I LIKED IT. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Gorgeous high school cheerleader Starla I’M NOT dates the Varsity quarterback, is worshipped by the minions roaming the halls of Splendona High, and is on the fast track SURE WHY, to become the next host of Good Morning America – her career aspiration. All of that BUT I DID.” changes when she agrees to host Genevieve LePlouff, a French foreign exchange student who might be hiding something devious underneath her black beret. What caught me off guard was the number Slap Her knows it is not breaking new of successful jokes Slap Me wrings out of ground, so it focuses its energies on finding its familiar premise. Remarkable comedic amusing quirks in clever situations. Starla’s D y 93 olwo cm a knocking, a’ came Hollywood 1993 By mission impossible2 Woo’s of movies. trademark a such become now highly stylised action sequences which have the continue also but them, of all in present with being redemption for sacrifice of beliefs motif the religious Woo’s emphasise Boiled " " thrillers crime/gangster of release the with following), cult a (and 1990s, early and 1980s notoriety Woointernational saw gain which late the was It with Chow Yun-Fat. movie first his sequences also was and with, reckoned tobe aforce action as Woo established film stylistic this its top Through with " up groundbreaking directed the teamed and Woo Hark Tsui 1986, producer/director In major roles first his of one Chan Jackie megastar future " including adaptations, Opera Cantonese to comedies a filmalmosteveryyear. Theserangedfrom directed has he onwards point this from and movie full first his directed had he 1973 By 1968/9. in Director Assistant an his as began career he that Kong, Hong it in here, and is developed film with obsession his plays, Kong. school Hong directing in After up Yusen)(WuWoogrew John 1946, May 1 on China Southern Guangzhou, in Born 31 October2002 ult n h Head the in Bullet IRECTOR (92. hs mve heavily movies These (1992). " ad o Death of Hands (90 ad " and (1990) " Bte Tomorrow Better A The Killer The wih gave which " ’ S

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face/off I 14 MUSIC 31 October 2002

MUSIC NEWS SINGLES

IT’S THE most unlikely collaboration of THERE BY THE GRACE OF GOD the year, Pop idol runner up Gareth words by: alex read MANIC STREET PREACHERS | EPIC Gates is to record a duet with Romeo simon robinson At the beginning of the 1990’s a band one part of the So Solid Crew. The jon swarbrick | duncan hills emerged from the dark caverns* of Wales song according to Gareth is more likely matty b | anthos chrysanthou and set about capturing the hearts of a to be R n B than Pop and to get into the anna wheeler | mark iyer disenchanted nation. Armed with a self part he said, “I’ll change my name to be stuart bryce | timothy dingey belief and ballads to mock the system they part of the crew, probably Mc G.” The set about preaching. They have come a single is due out early next year. long way and ‘There By The Grace of God’ if you are interested in writing for the music is the new track to be featured on their team, then come along to the cd hand-out in forthcoming greatest hits album, ‘Forever ROBBIE WILLIAMS made his first live the media centre on mondays at 5pm appearance in over a year this week Delayed – The Greatest of The Manic Street (Oct 27th) telling excited fans “its Preachers.’ This new single doesn’t seem to brilliant to be back”. The show was break any new ground and isn’t what we’ve for a TV special to be broadcast later in come to expect from the Manics in terms the year and was recorded at Pinewood of quality. It seems to sound flat and cold studios in front of 450 fans. When and the track is a little lacklustre to be fair. Robbie first came on he said, “I’m Surprisingly the lyrics are more optimistic shitting myself (hasn’t lost his charm and hopeful than previous material. then). I’ve been away 12 months and Still it carries the hallmark of haven’t been on stage. The minute I one of the most successful came on, the welcome I got, it feels bands to come out of brilliant to be back working.” He also the U.K. of recent times, and is only one turned down rumors that he is leaving of many great tracks on the country to avoid paying tax on his their new album. new £80million deal with EMI. five | d.k.

ONE OF London’s premiere venues future is in doubt this week after having its entertainment’s license refused for renewal. Westminster Council refused to give the license to the Astoria because of public safety reasons. Problems date back to a So Solid Crew gig last October where gun fire OUTTATHAWAY NIGHT VISION broke out and apparently public safety THE VINES | CAPITOL HELL IS FOR HEROES | CHRYSALIS, EMI considerations have not been taken by ‘Outtathaway’ is the new single from the ‘Night Vision’ is the fantastic follow up to the venue since then. Its owners are album ‘Highly Evolved’, by the Vines. ‘I Can Climb Mountains’ and is the third due to appeal. Keep your eyes posted Just like previous singles ‘Get Free’ and single to be lifted from the forthcoming to see what the outcome is. ‘Highly Evolved’, ‘Outtathaway’ is another debut album, ‘The Neon Handshake’. seriously good measure of rock’n’roll ‘Night Vision’ is full of energy and rampage. The bass line is extremely easily has the potential to power a small groovy, and the guitar riffs are cool. It’s a town for a good few weeks. This track really catchy one is this, but I’ve just got is contemporary British rock at its best, to say one thing, why does the singer have* quality.‘Hell Is For Heroes’ will be on a to scream so bloody much?! Anyways, headlining tour throughout November and one negative point, more plus points, this December, they’re gonna play the RMS still rocks. The Vines tour the UK in late Rock Club in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales and October and early November. six | m.i. after that they will never play there again, or in fact any venue of that size. This band is off to join the big boys, and will increase their already healthy fan base. This West London outfit have got it right; they are in ALBUMS the right place and are definitely around at favourite track on the album and possibly one the right time. nine | s.b of my A HUNDRED DAYS OFF “IT IS GOOD BUT favourite of any that the band have ever UNDERWORLD | JBO BY THEIR done. However, while it seems this may THE EARTHSHAKER Why so late with this review you may ask? be the direction in which they are headed, PAUL MASTERSON | NULIFE Well you see Underworld can be a real pain RIDICULOUSLY they cling onto their dance routes in tracks Derivative, uninspiring, hard trance guff in the arse. They remain* the one dance act such as Dinosaur Adventure 3D which is from the man who brought us the God- I can listen to because they rise above the HIGH STANDARDS IT the biggest disappointment on the album, awful ‘Synth and Strings’ a few years ago repetitiveness associated with most. But it sounds like Underworld-by-numbers, its under the alias of ‘Yomanda’. Remember their albums always take time to really “get”. SOUNDS TOO EASY.” sounds forced and uninspired. Maybe that that one? Yeah well this one’s worse! So, this, their fourth studio album was always going to pose the was what Emerson gave them, a knack of avoiding the mundane? Heavy bass and a really, REALLY crap same problem. A Hundred Days Off sees the band make their first Which is what stands out most about this album, its just nothing synth over the top, which sounds like air outing as a duo since Darren Emerson left after their previous LP amazing, its good but by their ridiculously high standards it just squealing out of a balloon. Imagine if Beaucoup Fish. His departure dampened hopes for this new album, sounds too ...... easy. There are just a few too many times when someone forced you to listen to that for causing concern that he would take the Underworld “sound” with they stray into weird little, noodly tracks such as Ess Gee whose three minutes while they repeatedly shouted him. But listening to this latest offering, it’s hard to see exactly only purpose seems to be to calm the mood before heavier tracks “the Earth shaker, the Earth shaker!” at you. what it was that Emerson added to the band. Tracks like the current such as Dinosaur Adventure 3D. And don’t even get me started on You’d just punch them! This is a seriously single Two Months Off and opening track Mo Move are classic the awful Little Speaker! The album finishes off on a highlight with shite song, the other mixes included are Underworld, while tracks such as the folky Trim along with Sola the 80’s, Pet Shop Boys flavouredLuetin . In the end though I feel even worse, they don’t sound any different Sistim show a whole new side. Slower, more ambient, less hectic, slightly disappointed, it’s not a bad album, it is however certainly they just torment you for even longer! and in the same sort of vein as 8-ball which was only ever released their worst...... but that doesn’t have to be a BAD thing! seven Dance music at its worst, repetitive and on the soundtrack to The Beach. Trim in fact stands out as my and a half | d.h. unimaginative. one | d.h 31 October 2002 MUSIC 15

ALBUMS COMFORT IN SOUND contender is the yearning ‘Summers Gone’, which FEEDER | ECHO could very nearly have come off ‘The Bends’ by You Recorded in the wake of drummer Jon Lee’s suicide, Know Who. Gnarly. the band’s feelings of loss are a recurring feature in If that wasn’t enough, ‘Godzilla’ sounds like a bit like the lyrics, as you might expect, but aside from that Nine Inch Nails, and it’s left to ‘Find The Colour’ there is a new-found maturity about the musical side and the charming ‘Love Pollution’ to restore normal of the song writing here. Opening track ‘Just the Way service. Comfort in Sound manages to be crammed I’m Feeling’ defines the albums ‘big rock’ sound, with glorious hooks and an intensity which makes before monster first single ‘Come Back Around’ gets for more compelling listening than that of previous the adrenalin pumping and gives the rest of the album offerings. While you might initially be put off by the a lot to live up to. We’re in luck. Uplifting, urgent ‘serious’ tone of the album (don’t expect anything to and fantastically tuneful, ‘Forget About Tomorrow’ is sound like ‘Just a Day’), persevere and the endearing arguably the finest moment on the album. But another quality of these new songs will leave you feeling anything but depressed. eight | a.c “WHILE YOU MIGHT BE OZZFEST LIVE 2002 VARIOUS ARTISTS| DIVINE RECORDINGS * I would describe this album as an ovulating INITIALLY PUT platypus being beaten to death by a OFF, IT WILL large pair of reinforced steel gonads, a cataclysmic orang-utan belch from the LEAVE YOU FEEL- seventh circle of hell, a red-eyed octopus of flailing tentacle death tm, a barbiturate ING ANYTHING toilet roll of anarchic proportions, a rampant threesome with a walrus, a BUT DEPRESSED.” meat cleaver and fake moustache. Ozzy Osbourne gets together once again with a group of bearded friends to produce A NEW MORNING a gargantuan wall of sound that would SUEDE | NUDE Interesting fact: in America Suede are known as The London Suede, apparently it’s a annihilate both your mother and your legal thing. This, their fifth album signals the end of an era yet in a nonchalant backstroke grandmother. If you are an everyday * normal ‘Jack the Biscuit’ type of person also signifies the emergence of a new more mature sounding Suede. On first listenA New Morning sounds a little insignificant with no real standout tracks however with a few plays then this is probably not your cup of tea, the simple poignancy starts to burn through real slow like. Often best when singing about an 1hr 14mins of hard thrash speed grind the trivial things Brett Anderson like Jarvis Cocker knows how to connect with the yoof, dredgecore metal. The highlight of the lonely girls is a beautiful if slightly tongue in cheek ode to the Bridget Jones generation album (apart from the end) was the song - my favourite. Now that the Brett has admitted the drug abuse – not a total surprise New Millennium Cyanide Christ which I considering his Yoda like vitality he must move on… the nineties are well gone and this particular enjoyed. There was also quite a band have had to adapt or die. Fortunately what we have here is one-leg-in, one-leg-out nice System of a down song. If you’re the album that will still satisfy the majority of fans. seven | a.r. kind of guy/girl that likes masturbating over the latest copy of ‘Guns & Ammo monthly’ and you need something to listen to whilst I (being alex read) talked with Richard chap?), he sent over a piece of music doing it, please feel free to purchase this Oakes the guitarist from Suede. Suede that was using west coast trance which album. If not, probably best to invest in have recently released their fifth we turned into Beautiful Loser which another album. Too heavy for the HRB, but album A New Morning (reviewed this was a good way to kick off the new is it music? Spectral Blaumange. three and issue). I felt the title of the album was album a real return to form”. Other a quarter | t.d representative of many of the songs, favourites of Richard “Beautiful Loser Richard passed comment on this was a good Astrogun one of the last observation “A lot of old fans who like we wrote and one of the best.” I asked AUDIOSLAVE the old designer theatre sound have what musical challenges remain for the LEARNING FROM FALLING AUDIOSLAVE been a little surprised, for me this band “There is challenges all the time LAMYA | J RECORDS Audioslave, aka Rage Against the Machine album is far more honest; it’s just an you’ve got to dig deeper and put more Kenyan born, Lamya inspires with a real version 2.0 consists of the original image, an image of songs.” Don’t panic on and each time we are always trying mix bag of sounds on this her debut album members of RATM bar frontman Zack, and too much if you’re a fan of the old to be simpler. As a lyricist Brett has a that’s caused ripples in the American charts. fronted by ex Soundgarden grunger Chris Suede I’m assured the album is “Not a lot to say, it doesn’t matter what people Self produced; Learning From Falling sees Cornell. The result is this album, 14 tracks happy-clappy celebration of life we’re say about us”. Richard is currently classically trained opera singer, Lamya use of what I can only describe of as WRONG. just as bloody miserable as always!” listening to the following mad for it soul, folk and dance influences. From the It all sounds wrong to me. The singing Yes I agree the record is still very bands check em out “Death in Vegas, same label that brought us Alicia Keys last totally doesnt fit the music for most of the much Suede, however complexity levels Sonic Youth and The Breeders, Black year, Lamya has loads of potential but has album. Opener ‘Conchise’ starts with the weren’t the only noticeable change Rebel Motorcycle Club”. Good edgy all to do to live up to early comparisons. typical RATM fare, opening beat and a bit “There’s more passion and more soul shit I remark. After a recent lecture ‘Lockets’ using Macy Gray lush vocals on of guitar trickery, then the heavy riff comes than the previous album”. Although on interview technique I robbed the East Of Anywhere uses flowing melodies in and you’re expecting it to drop and Zack not massively successful in this country following ‘difficult’ question from Russ in a classic formula. Soulful, Black Mona to bring the vocals, but instead Mr. Cornell the lead single from the album did Clark and flung it at Richard: If you Lisa is down beat and disjointed at times starts wailing over it, and it sounds tired, very well elsewhere “Positivity went could choose three celebrities dead or but Never enough balance of vocals with like something from the 90s which needed to number 1 in Denmark and number alive to have a meal with who would appropriate accompaniment make this to stay there. That said, there are better 2 in Japan.” OK cracking Denmark you choose “Sid Vicious and Keith a smooth hit. Bouncing tracks like Full moments such as the chili-esque ‘Like A is hardly the stuff of legend and the Moon for a quiet drink and Lemmy in Frontal Fridays hold together the album Stone’ where the music and vocals seem to Japanese will buy pretty much anything 1972. Syd Barret when he was nuts”. filled with some quality tunes includingI compliment each other. The album sounds – I believe A1 were massive out there? Lucky he’s a musician and not looking get Cravings that use Eastern sounds with pretty much as you’d expect, like a cross I moved conversation onto how they for office work! Nice bloke, nice simple her adaptable vocals. Unfortunate selection between the music of RATM and the vocals started recording the new album “The record where the song and the emotion of poorer tracks let down an otherwise of Soundgarden, but if you’re a fan of both first song we wrote was with Alex (new contained within are key. interesting album that’s good within its bands you will find this self titled album genre. six | m.b. hard to digest. five | a.m. 16 MUSIC 31 October 2002 “Everybody put your hands in the air and kiss my ass: this is the blues explosion.”

JON SPENCER’S BLUES EXPLOSION glory seems to have gone to their heads as but it is the older material that stands MARQUEE CLUB | 25TH OCTOBER they appear to be concentrating on style out ‘can’t stop’ and ‘High gear’ really Oh yes, Jon Spencer is back in town and more than substance and the music gets lost do kick ass. Around for a while they he is here to rock your little shiny socks somewhere. may have been but they still know what off with his non stop dirty rock n roll blues This is exactly why the Blues explosion they’re doing. Young upstarts take note. action. What with the music scene being should not be forgotten for they provide words: simon robinson. taken over by garage rock bands JSBX the perfect amount of style with sweat and have been slowly leading the way since rock n roll. If you want to see a singer who the early 1990’s and although it seems that knows how to perform then Jon Spencer is the younger generation for some unknown your man. If you crossed Elvis with Iggy reason may have forgotten about them Pop then your getting pretty close. Clad in JSBX still knows what they are doing. leather trousers and black shirt he plays the First up tonight are one of the new breed, blues like BB King never could, dirty and The Beatings. Recent singles Jailhouse fucked up. Each song tonight goes straight and Bad Feeling have been getting rave into each other not allowing the audience reviews and tonight it is clear why as they to stop apart from when he throws in the are the clear standouts throughout their set. odd Elvis remark. This makes it all very However, it seems that their new found difficult to know exactly what is going on What’s on your campus stereo? Room For Squares This week sees a new feature in the music section. Five people each week are asked a few questions on what john mayer | columbia they have been listening to recently and below are what they said. Here are the five questions they were asked Introducing John Mayer, the US’s new [1] What was the last album that you bought? [2] What one song would make you get up and dance at the union? wunderkind of bluesy guitar rock, who [3] What song do you like to play before you leave the house to go party? [4] What was the last thing on your is set to release debut album ‘Room For stereo when you left your house? [5] Who’s your favourite band/artist at the moment? The questions were posed Squares’ on October 28th 2002. The album by one Mr Simon Robinson. offers the listener an array of atmospheric folk rock blended with pop song craft, all Alan Roach – PhD in Sociology Simen Brennhovd – Science and M’ment Temi Ayilara – Psychology topped with Mayer’s heady, bluesy voice. [1] Dave Seaman – Global Underground [1] Zero 7 [1] Music soul chart John Mayer grew up in Connecticut USA; [2] Chemical Brothers – Come with us [2]Dancing queen Abba [2] Marvin Gaye – Lets get it on he picked up a Stevie Ray Vaughn tape [3] Hard House mix tape [3] no comment [3] Ja Rule and J’Lo and started playing guitar at the tender age [4] Hard house mix tape (again!) [4] I didn’t I was late for college [4] r’n’b Compilation – made by friends of 13, and soon moved on to playing local [5] Orbital [5] Royksopp [5] Jagged Edge blues clubs at age 15. He then dropped out of Berklee’s College Of Music, then moved to Atlanta in 1998 and soon, his laid-back style earned him a cult following. A year later he released ‘Inside Wants Out’, an acoustic album featuring his original songs. He eventually signed for Columbia Records in 2000, and has since been recording his new album. ‘No Such Thing’ Jon Swarbrick – Mechanical Engineering Caroline Lawrie – Combimed languages due to be released as the first single from [1] Sugar Hill Gang compilation [1] Pop goes the eighties the album is an uplifting pop rock number, [2] S Club 7 – Don’t stop moving (oh dear) [2] Shakira with sunny, crisp acoustic lines and husky [3] Hip Hop, Prodigy, Chemical Brothers [3] Party mega mix vocals. The laid-back breezy guitar style [4] Portishead - Dummy [4] Radio is typical of Mayer. To date, Mayer has [5] Handsome Boy modelling school [5] Mmmmm hard one...er...Madonna won comparisons to David Gray and Bob Dylan’s son Jakob. An influence form Jeff Buckley and Eric Clapton can be sensed. This is good stuff. Seven | m.i. Measure for Measure | William Shakespeare No! Please don’t turn the in the syllabuses with his own little module because the was considered rape on the man’s behalf, regardless of page! Maybe I shouldn’t traditionalists in Oxford and Cambridge wish to maintain a whether the woman consented or not. Claudius appeals to have credited the author “canonised degree”. his sister, Isabelle, who is a young girl brought up with the before I began this review. However, we must give him credit for this play. It is one of laws of religion, and about to become a nun. She is asked Ah well. To be honest, his less popular works, but is certainly not one of his worst. to debate with Angelo, and get him to give Claudio a pardon I am not a great fan of In fact, it mirrors many of the issues we face today as a from the death sentence. She tries this, but cannot find an Shakespeare. His language society, proving that it has withstood the test of time. We are answer from Angelo. However, she persists, and Angelo is extremely difficult introduced to a country that has fallen into a spiral of decline finds himself attracted to her fiery determination. For the for today’s generation in terms of political and legal control over civilians. The first time in his life, he falls in love with somebody. The next to understand, and this Duke of the country wishes to make the laws stricter in order day, he gives her a clear choice. In order for her brother to undermines the universality to clean up the country of lawlessness. He does realise, be pardoned, she must have sex with Angelo. of many of his texts. They however, that if he suddenly changed the laws himself he The rest of the play consists of a string of moral debates can be quite difficult would register as unpopular among civilians, and may risk and schemes. Isabelle refuses to give up her chastity to interpret, and you losing his place as Duke if the people rebel. So he employs for her brother’s life, and we are again reminded of the probably spend more time one of his aides, Angelo, who is known to be ruthless and eternal choice of “them or me”. The play shows a blend translating them than heartless in his decisions. The Duke does not tell anyone of sweet and bitter ironies as we realise that the civilians you actually do reading where he is going, he merely says that he must go and does (who are introduced to us in a brothel) are less immoral it. I also do not believe not know when he will return. He secretly disguises himself and corrupt than the politicians who are trying to uphold that there should be entire as a monk and stays in a nearby order, observing Angelo’s “righteousness”. Shakespeare has certainly cracked it with A-Level and degree modules decisions and actions. this one. Measure For Measure successfully pulls away at d e d i c a t e d to just “Shakespeare”. Although A young man, Claudius, has been arrested for impregnating the strands of philosophy, political, and sociological issues; his works hold great depth and philosophical content, he his fiancé. In Shakespearean times the penalty for this was and provokes the reader/audience to come to their own is not as great as people make him out to be. He is kept death, because sex with somebody you are not married to conclusions about what is right and what is wrong. 31 October 2002 LITERATURE 17

Poetry is a good friend to all of us: it lets When Robert sees us, he raves and rants. LITERATURE us be angry when we are angry, sad when What has he got against us Pharoah ants? we are sad and happy when we are happy. We don’t bite, no stings, The literature section is now in barefacts is only too willing to let you We’re quite pretty things. the very capable hands of Chris following the footsteps of the poets this We work all the day, Ward, who is the new literature week and is going to uphold the strong Taking old food away. editor. If you are interested in an- tradition set over the years and begin its We like it here, and won’t stray. ything to do with the written word, “poetry corner” for the year. If you have And I’m afraid, we’re here to stay. or have any suggestions as to how anything you would like published, then It’s nice and its warm, we can make this bit better, then send it along to [email protected]. Cosy, in the student’s dorm. Chris is the man to contact. Meanwhile, we hope you like Terry’s work When the pest man does call, Simply drop us a line at (on the facing page) and the poem to the We run and hide in the hall. [email protected] with the right entitled Pharoah Ants, by Brian in And when he goes away, subject matter as “literature” and the Battersea Court reception. We all laugh at his tray. we will get back to you. Until then, happy reading. OMPETITION S Is the book really better than C [ ] My my: what a lot of entries. Thanks to 36th Charity Dinner Dance - the most pres- the film? all that entered and hard luck to those that tigious ball of the academis year. All you It’s a Friday night, the seat has taken its these qualities. Whilst you cannot craft the didn’t win. In no particular order, the have to do to win is answer the questions toll and you are beginning to feel the pins scene with your imagination in the cinema, winner of the Miss Selfridge vouchers is below on the poster and send them along and needles as you walk out of Screen you can be moved by the characters and the Siobahn Jennings and the winner of the to [email protected] (with the subject 8 at the local Odeon. Nevertheless, you events as a result of the fusion of dramatic m o - torola handset is Maria Kirk. matter as “competition”) and you and a have enjoyed the movie and so have your music and cinematic techniques. They are This week’s competition is also ‘friend’ will be on your way. East peasy friends. However, a tingle of irritation two completely different genres that cannot a bit of a peach and barefacts lemon squeezy. makes its way down your spine as some be compared, and each genre has its own thanks nick and his variuos co- Please note that this competition will run short, geeky-looking nerd waltzes out of the pros and cons. So the next time that geek horts from the Charity Dinner for two weeks (closing date is the 12th No- cinema shaking his head saying, “the book utters those arrogant and presumptuous Dance for donating the prize. vember) and can only be won by students of was much better!”. But how much truth is in words, spurt out all the crap that I just did. That’s right: this week, you can UniS with a current and valid URN number. this statement? Is the visual more powerful The book cannot be better than the film win yourself two tickets to the No side-stepping please, Alan. Judges than the literary, or vice versa? Where did (and vice versa) because they each differ in decision is final and all that. this debate originate? form and offer a diverse variety of unique It would be clumsily obvious for me to qualities. words: chris ward say that there are major differences between a book and the adaptation of that book onto the big screen. The geek above is perhaps “The geek is correct to some extent – the book spawned the movie, therefore the movie is a single perhaps, to interpretation of the literature. A book allows you the freedom to create the scene some extent according to your imagination and the powerful imagery that the writer provides. A film cannot do this because it is a correct: the concrete representation – you see whatever is on the screen. This cannot be crafted by movie is just your imagination because it has already been done for you. an interpre- However, whilst the book is about the use of universal themes, character association, tation.” style, and language in order to compel the reader, the film is about performance of THEATRE Until Saturday this week, the stage adaption this visit will unearth. of E.M Forster’s classic novel ‘ A Passage A clash of two cultures and a reservation to India’ is showing at the Yvonne Arnaud over the relations between the English and Theatre. the natives of India, a stern political tone is When a British woman, Adela Quested inevitably adopted in contrast to the other first arrives to India, she is disappointed to lighter works of E.M Forster. This powerful see the an environment full of replicated touring production of ‘A passage to India’ English customs. For this was India at the by Shared Experience has already earned height of the British Raj, a colonial time numerous distinguished reviews. when Britain ruled. Next week the Y.A. Stage will see the Still to decide whether to marry the local performance of Shakespeare’s ‘The magistrate of Chandrapore, Adela embarks Tempest’ with Richard Briers (‘Marriage on a search for the ‘real’ India for herself. lines’, ‘The Good Life’) as Prospero. Being She befriends Dr Aziz, a Moslem doctor of one of Shakespeare’s finest masterpieces Chandrapore who shows her the Marabar the drama combines sorcery, conspiracy, Caves - unaware of the dark events that are romance, comedy and pathos making it one soon to unfold and the fearful consequences of his most magical plays.

‘ A Passage to India’ by E.M Forster – showing until Saturday 2nd November ‘ The Tempest’ by William Shakespeare – Mon. 4th –Sat. 9th November For both performances all student tickets £7 (Mon – Thurs), other ticket prices £11.00 -£23.50. For further information please telephone the box office: (01483) 440000 31 October 2002 COMMUNICATE 19 The J-Team venture up the hill – a J-Pastime (part I) j-team.biz j-team.biz (May I intercede at this point and warn all young virgins that when The J-Team plan the - aforementioned missions, they find a young virgin to take and burn to vent all their anger at team Richard Branson? Don’t worry, though, it’s only symbolic violence – Amelia, fellow GU2 presenter) No. You can’t! So what does this ritual-like expedition entail? Well, usually after an over- excited walk to the entrance, there will be some over exuberance from one (usually B.B.B, an old friend of the boys). The remainder will then either join chase or roll eyes and follow J in slower pace. At approximately two thirds of the way up, all the gentlemen enjoy a ceremonial ‘Jimmy’. A shape is formed with the number of points dependant on the number of participating hill goers. All will face outwards and enjoy. After life’s impracticalities are dealt with, the summit is mounted. Here is where the real shenanigans begin… On the night in question, the crew were Tea and Mental (of course) followed by B.B.B, Scoot and Jim Shep (who was this visit’s sacrificial lamb!). The great thing about ‘the hill’ is the opportunity to do whatever you like with the whole of Guildford watching (or not, as it seems!). Shirt removal once on the top is always a must. The most comedy photos can be taken of topless lads diving towards a camera out of the mist. Not to mention the number of midnight-dog-walkers-who-are-only-out-at-that-time-to-meet-up-with-their- lovers-as-they-are-having-an-affair you can scare! Each time we go up, the madness re- shuffles and an immense time is had by all. That is why we’re recruiting this week. That’s words: Judge Mental and Mr Tea right simply send an email to [email protected] and we will include you in First and foremost, our apologies go out to anybody happening to be up on the North the next trip of madness. It isn’t worth missing! Downs in Guildford around 2330 on 24th October. What you witnessed was not an X Files style sacrificial dance involving the blood and guts of young virgins, and non-virgins SPECIAL NOTICE alike, along with bright flashes, which could only be due to the supernatural energies concentrated upon the arena. No. It was your very own J-Team, of course. Every week during semester time for the last eighteen months, Tea and Mental have That’s right, last Thursday saw the boys’ latest adventure up that big-hill-that-you-can- presented a J-Team Classic on GU2. Well, except maybe a couple that Mr. Tea see-from-anywhere-in-Guildford, affectionately known as the North Downs. Although not didn’t make! Anyhow, the point is that Thursday 14th November will see the ‘Classic the first time the expedition has been attempted, it still held as much excitement as the ‘first presented by a pair (or more!) of you, the listeners! It’s time that those of you willing time’ did. It always happens due to sheer boredom or when one of us needs to clear our enough to present our show, get a chance. It has absolutely nothing to do with the head. The fact of the matter is that it usually takes longer to get up there and back again, fact that the guys will be occupied elsewhere at an awards ceremony in London that than the time spent on the hill itself! This quickly becomes immaterial as the mind, body, night. So if you fancy giving it a go, email [email protected] now or text 0773 288 soul cleansing ritual kicks in. Oh, and it’s bloody fun too. 53 57. Full training will be provided.

SCATTERGOODS AGENCY the.net Specialisers in all types of Catering jobs: bringing you the randomness from cyberspace helping in the kitchen, serving behind the bar, waiting, washing up. words: chris “funkyberry” hunter

www.colonblow.com is website that I just can’t decide whether its genuine or not? Colonblow is apparently something you can take in the morning, and it totally cleans your body out. A quote from a user testomonial: “If your life is weighted down by crap, then visit Colonblow to discover a product that’s guaranteed to blow your mind as well as your butt hole”. It sounds quite interesting, and reading “Not simply QUANTITY releases, but QUALITY GOOD RATES OF PAY releases” in their FAQ has sold it to me! Do you want work that fits in with your university studies? Once you have registered Not for the easily offended, www.tshirthell.com sells loads of really with us, we keep a record of when you are available – it could be just the occasional insensitive t-shirts. I obviously cannot quote some of the t-shirt weekend or evening. You decide when you want to work. captions here, but some of the least insensitive include: “inSECURITY” and “By the time you read this, you’ve already read it”. They also do t-shirts for babies and girls. The most amusing baby one is: “My IQ is higher than the president’s!”, although “I enjoy a good spanking” comes a close 2nd. The least offensive one I could quote for girls is: “Look at my chest when I’m talking to you”. I haven’t actually seen Lord Of The Rings, but I know a lot of people have. www.sci.fi/ ~alboin/tengwartutorial.htm shows you how to write Elvish on your PC, including a link (use the mirror) to a MS Word plugin to help you write in Elvish. Possibly one of the coolest cars you can buy is made by Ibis Tek, at www.ibistek.com/ Call us and ask for an application form or arrange a visit. Let us know if you have any security_vehicle.html . Think like a normal GMC pickup, but at the touch of a button the previous experience in any aspect of catering. roof slides back and up pops a fully directional machine gun! Weapons of choice include an M2 machine gun, an M240 machine gun, or a 40mm grenade launcher! You can control the turret from inside the car, and the turret can be fitted to other vehicles as well. Never get stuck in traffic jams again!! have your say

Call Karen or Helen on [01483] 461950 email: [email protected] 20 INTERACTIVE 31 October 2002

£100: which of these words is slang for “money”? WORD a: dosh | b: mush | c: kudos| d: hash An X can indicate where hidden treasure is hidden. It can also indicate Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? that a girlfriend is no longer your romantic acquaintance. Versatile. £200: as what is saccharin mainly used? X a: adhesive | b: sweetener | c: whitener | d: solvent £300: what nationality is the formula one racing driver Mika Hakkinen? a: norwegian | b: swedish | c: danish | d: finnish

£500: who played fictional movie star Anna Scott in the film “Notting Hill”? a: andie macdowell | b: sandra bullock | c: julia roberts | d: cameron diaz

£1k: what nationality artist Gustav Klimt? a: irish | b: greek | c: austrian | d: portugese

£2k: in “Blackadder Goes Forth”, which character was played by Tim McInnerny? a: captain sweetheart | b: captain flasheart | c: captain honey | d: captain darling

£4k: which of these is a Sikh place of worship? a: mosque | b: cathedral | c: synagogue | d: gurdwara

£8k: who discovered X-rays? a: thomas edison | b: john logie baire | c: marie curie | d: wilhelm roentgen

£16k: which artistic movement was founded by Hunt, Millais and Rossette? across down a: surrealists | b: arts and crafts | c: fauvisits | d: pre-raphaelites 1. more substantial [7] 1. plain clothes [5] 5. put pen to paper [5] 2. total [3] £32k: which religious movement was founded by Mary Baker Eddy? 8. type of sweet [5] 3. polar features [3,3] a: jehovah’s witness’ | b: christian science | c: salvation army | d: 7th-day 9. shellfish [7] 4. criticises severely [6] adventists 10. immediately [9] 5. tired [5] 12. trap [3] 6. type of chemistry [9] £64k: which country is the world’s largest producer of coal? 13. encomium [6] 7. everlasting [7] a: india | b: russia | c: china | d: usa 14. of spring [6] 11. person given blame [9] 17. poem [3] 13. proportionately [3,4] £125k: “View Of Delft” is one of the best known works of which artist? 18. examples of marine pollution [3,6] 15. oval [7] a: van dyck | b: rembrandt | c: van eyck | d: ver meer 20. eschewed [7] 16. aircraft [6] 21. large herbivorous mammal [5] 18. command [5] £250k: what structure has two basic types called “Gravity” and “Arch”? 23. michaelmas daisy [5] 19. spruce [5] a: bridge | b: dam | c: pier | d: road 24. vote in again [2-5] 22. born [3] £500k: what kind of bridge is the Golden Gate Bridge? a: cantilever | b: bascule | c: suspension | d: steel arch

£1m: what is the SI unit of magnetic flux density? a: farad | b: tesla | c: maxwell | d: henry

class to the idea of female sexual freedom – sex shops are now no longer seen as seedy and hidden away; they are being brought to the masses by parties, catalogues and, of course, the internet. A quick search will throw up hundreds of sites catering for the sexual needs of females – showing that even though for many, large Ann Summers Thursday 24th October saw a rather unusual parties may not be their thing, there’s still event take place in the Helyn Rose Bar at a huge demand out there, and companies the Students’ Union – an Ann Summers willing to provide. Party! In my experience these are normally I, myself, did not partake in the Ann smaller gatherings with a select group Summer Party frolics this time, partly due of friends, so aiming for a purely female to running around crazily trying to help attendance of over 100 was a brave step, organise it, lack of female friends who were but by 7.30pm people were being turned not “staying in to do work” and, of course, away as the HRB was bursting at the Chancellors Challenge. But if the disco seams. afterwards was anything to go by, it was This prompted me to think, what is it a resounding success. Parties like this are about Ann Summers that makes it so very going some way towards making it more popular? Most of the guys I have talked socially acceptable for females to talk about to about this assume that every girl is sex – after all, it seems ok for men to talk desperate to go to an Ann Summers Party, about sex most of the time, but I think it’s but, as one of my female friends put it regarded very differently when a woman “sitting in a room full of girls playing with talks about it as much as a guy! a vibrator doesn’t really appeal to me.” Making sexual issues less of a taboo subject For some people, sex and its trappings are cannot be a bad thing, and the Union is purely private issues, but if the attendance going a long way by organising Seriously on Thursday was anything to go by, then Sexy Week this week – so, if the Ann without a doubt, there’s definitely a huge Summer Party/Disco got you fired up, just market out there. Ann Summers, and wait till you see what we have on offer this similar companies, have given a touch of week! words: ‘ickle sarah butterworth 31 October 2002 LIFESTYLE 21

ife After The Womb L words: rich w

Well - it has been quite some past few weeks for lots of folks recently as they have made their way to our fine capital to demonstrate and remonstrate Sorry about the technical photo language used in regarding certain issues they feel passionately about. We’ve had the Don’t Stop the War last week’s instructions. The photo was of the side Coalition march and the Do Ban Fox-hunting liberty walk (or perhaps that is meant to be of the Post Office sign. If you got last week’s photo, the other way around) and, most intriguingly, we’ve had hundreds of students lobbying then you should do well with this weeks challenge. I their local Members of Parliament for more drinking money. (You will notice that, since think this is much easier this week. Life After the Womb pointed out the ridiculousness of campaigning against capitalism in - funkyberry - the capital city, by the way, there have been no demonstrations or marches since - a small triumph for common sense, we believe). Not wanting to feel left out in any way, Life After the Womb has also been trying to do some lobbying of its own but has since realised that there is a lot more to this demonstra- tive technique than meets the eye: to get well-known people to meet you in the lobby of a hotel and then keep them there (thus lobbying them) is really very difficult indeed. Think about what you need to do in order to achieve this: first of all, you need to find a reasonably sized hotel, not too posh, not too dingy, that has a decent foyer area in which you can detain a celebrity/politician/desired captive without anyone else suspecting some foul play. In London, that is a lot more difficult than it sounds: you either have your top- of-the-range, take-out-a-mortgage-to-pay-for-one-night type of hotels or your greasy-man- with-a-wireless-television-behind-the-counter type establishments. Very little in between. Second of all, you have to determine a situation realistic enough in order to convince your unsuspecting victim they are attending something other than what amounts to an ambush - if they suspect they are about to get lobbied, then all plans invariably go to pot. This is probably the trickiest bit to pull-off: should you invite them along “for an interview concerning their latest decision on what constitutes a U-turn”, for example, they will not expect to have to wait in a lobby and hence the plan is foiled. If, however, you invite them for an informal luch to “go through some details of their latest ideas” and advise them to “meet in “LIFE AFTER the foyer of the so-and-so hotel”, then you are on to a winner - their guard will be down and THE WOMB the next step is ready to implement. The next step is to actually ‘lobby’ the chosen IDEAS FOR this week’s column were not THE WEATHER’S really going quite crazy at target, to do which there are two alternatives. HAS ALSO really coming, until last night when ideas the moment. I opened my door this morning The first is to actually restrict their bodily started flowing in the form of a flow of to find the corridor resembling the courtyard movements via the use of some rope and the BEEN BUSY hungry ants! outside my window – carpeted entirely in furniture in the chosen location. Though I’D BEEN working hard in the kitchen (well… leaves! I think someone left the window technically closer to a form of kidnapping than mostly work, with a bit of chatting, and open last night… lobbying, it is still an acceptable practise when LOBBYING falling asleep on the table) and it had got to IT’S S UNDAY again - which means only considered under the lobbying umbrella and the point where me and a housemate needed one thing: it’s roast dinner time again. overall requirement. The second, and more PEOPLE THIS some food. So I of fered my caterpillar Each week a (rapidly expanding) group of widely-accepted technique, is that of prevent- cake.” Hell yer!” was the response, until I around six of us congregate in a selected ing the victims escape from the area in which took the cake out of its box and found that campus kitchen and sample the wonders of they are standing. This can be done by locking WEEK AND IT unknown to me, about 25 ants had also taken yorkshire puddings, brocolli, peas, carrots, doors, shutting off escalators, cordoning off up my of fer. The interesting thing about the roast potatoes and, of course meat and gravy staircases and preventing any sort of exit what- IS A LOT ants, was at first glance they seemed to be (in carnivorous or vegetarian form). Last soever from the lobby of chosen hotel. This is walking around and around the bottom of week was my first time ashost , which turned the truest form of lobbying known and, though the cake, as if they were just amazed at into an interesting experience after 9 bottles obviously very tricky to actually accomplish, is TRICKIER discovering such a huge pile of cake – until I of wine between us (one of which was by far the most satisfying of all demonstrative spotted some coming out a hole in the cake. called “Rawson’s Retreat” – wow!). We’re techniques. THAN IT This was NOT ON, and I wasn’ t going to considering renaming it a wine tasting party, For lobbying of lots of people, or indeed for a let the ants have my cake. So I then spent with a little food thrown in! mass lobby of Parliament, let’s say, the same about 6 minutes flicking ants of f the cake AN OBVIOUS requirement of a roast dinner is approach applies but on a much bigger scale. LOOKS.” board, and chopping all the bits of f where a trip to our very own Tescos. Each week A mass lobby of Parliament, therefore, could the ants could have got in. I’d suggested that I’ve walked into the underpass and jumped be undertaken by either making a lobby out of Parliament and keeping everyone locked in I put the cake in the fridge to kill the ants, up and down a couple of times, much to there such that they cannot escape, or by getting each individual MP lobbied in a different but Mor gan reminded me that I’d just be the bemusement of my friends…. until hotel at the same time. Logistically, the latter is a lot more difficult and requires a lot of introducing ants into the fridge! Eventually they realise something weird. Ever since coordination from the lobbying bodies, but when all is considered could actually be a lot with a much-reduced volume, and looking Funkyberry and I discovered the Tescos simpler than organising a march across London. more like a road-kill caterpillar, 2 slices of Tunnel Phenomenon way back in our first Of course, LATW neglects to mention what it might actually be lobbying people for, ant-free ex-caterpillar cake were consumed. year, I’ve assumed that everyone knew but that seems to be the whole point: if you make enough of a song and a dance about the I just received a “Disconnection Notice about it – until I’ve had to explain my bizarre marching, lobbying bit, then what you are actually saying seems to matter not one jot - so should I not pay” from NTL for a phone behaviour to everyone I’ve gone shopping long as you say it loud enough, people will probably agree. service that I asked to have disconnected 3 with this term. If you jump, clap, or shout General Elections have been won like that, you know. times when I moved out on September 7 th! in the longer of these tunnels, instead of the

After trying to call them to pay twice before, normal echo coming back at you, you hear

8. Nirvana – “come as you are” 9. Travis – “why does it always rain on me?” 10. Counting Crows – “mr jones” “mr – Crows Counting 10. me?” on rain always it does “why – Travis 9. are” you as “come – Nirvana 8. I really feel like writing them a letter: “Dear a pretty loud and quick ascending whistling

age again?” 5. New Found Glory – “my friends over you” 6. The Strokes – “last night” 7. Adam Sandler – “somebody kill me” me” kill “somebody – Sandler Adam 7. night” “last – Strokes The 6. you” over friends “my – Glory Found New 5. again?” age Sir/Madam. I am aware of your bill that I sound! I remember the strange looks on the

Coldplay – “in my place” 2. Weezer – “island in the sun” 3. The Vines – “get free” 4. Blink182 – “what’s my my “what’s – Blink182 4. free” “get – Vines The 3. sun” the in “island – Weezer 2. place” my “in – Coldplay 1. : Quiz Lyrics

| 4. roasts | 5. weary | 6. inorganic | 7. eternal | 11. scapegoat | 13. pro rata | 15. ellipse | 16. glider | 18. order | 19. smart | 22. née née 22. | smart 19. | order 18. | glider 16. | ellipse 15. | rata pro 13. | scapegoat 11. | eternal 7. | inorganic 6. | weary 5. | roasts 4. | need to pay, but I’m not currently available people’s faces as they passed Chris and I

: 1. mufti | 2. add | 3. ice caps caps ice 3. | add 2. | mufti 1. : down

13. praise | 14. vernal | 17. ode | 18. oil slicks | 20. avoided | 21. panda | 23. aster | 24. re-elect re-elect 24. | aster 23. | panda 21. | avoided 20. | slicks oil 18. | ode 17. | vernal 14. | praise 13. to pay the bill. I will pay the bill as soon as I jumping up and down in the tunnels in the

: 1. meatier | 5. write | 8. fudge | 9. abalone | 10. instantly | 12. gin | | gin 12. | instantly 10. | abalone 9. | fudge 8. | write 5. | meatier 1. : across : Xword b]. : £1m [ c]; : £500k [ b]; : £250k [ d]; : £125k

[ can. Thank you for your patience” – sadly, I first year…. well, this year, as far as strange : c]; c]; : £64k [ b]; : £32k [ d]; : £16k [ d]; : £8k [ d]; : £4k [ d]; : £2k [ c]; : £1k [ c]; : £500 [ d]; : £300 [ b]; : £200 [ a]; : £100 :[ WWTBAM Upside-Down Answers Upside-Down know things don’ t work this way! looks go, nothing’s changed! chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter ‘ickle sarah butterworth 22 PERSONALS 31 October 2002

Tarzan, who was the girl in These are the I say, let’s all have a double uip round! happy birthday shelagh!! from j + r Weatherspoons on Tuesday night?? UIP UIP! Thaught You had a girlfriend!! personals. Coming soon! Funkyberry’s Theraputic FEP guide to washing up. Start up Chancellors employee of the You gossip- month award again! meisters,you. Rich Watts is permanently get up! Coming soon! Funkyberry’s guide: Teas of the World. Malibu were you bleeding on the dance My bed smells of get up, la la la! floor on friday? Below is a brief guide outlining how to Morgan and Jen - Rawson 3’s sweetest, submit a personal. You may need to read Pringle! most adoring, fluffiest, sickliest, love We miss Ian this in order to exact your revenge on those birdiest, wettest, tickliest, and besotted too devious to share it with you. Absent friends return. Here commences couple. My placement is poo the catch-up drinking! Step 1: make some friends. It is Desperate? Having to nick a second Can you imagine celebrity big brother, preferable if they display an obvious Tug/Pluto: If you’re going to get up to hand vibrator from the Ann Summers with Jordan, Dane Bowers and Beppe Di ability for temporary stupidity or are no good is it wise to wear your name on Party, you must be UGLY! Marco.....YES MALIBU likely to demonstrate a severe lack of your back? good judgment at any point in the future, You’re near enough to the Watford gap Parents...they always try to out do you! especially when under the influence of Where’ve your shoes gone now! to be a Northerner accept it. alcohol that you will probably provide WINNER! them with. Honestly! Who throws a shoe?? Don’t buy hand cuffs simply replace your bed sheets with Velcro! Beardy I want my GU2! Step 2: suggest to aforementioned friends Note 2 self: Make sure I warm up before Neck will never escape. that the Union would be a good place for dancing! Apologies to the guy with blood on his an evening’s frivolities and ensure they are Man searching for Ginger bird to go toga! all in agreement concerning the approach Ok. It’s not healthy to drink more than wriggling in the leaves with. to be taken to that evening’s possible you eat. How to waste time at placement... events. Fact: You live in Croydon. I live no 1. Sit on BB all day I kant speel where near Croydon. 2. Sign in to MSN ALL DAY Step 2.5: for added effect, you could offer 3. TRY AND PROGRAM IN MATLAB to cook dinner and then accidentally forget Cobley! Simple is as simple does Road Trip anyone? ALL F***ING DAY! to buy any food...drinking on an empty stomach is never a good idea. Dogs are expensive in Mexico Hence They say I’ve got my daddy’s eyes and did i leave my mambo fleece round ur sledge stays in England daddy was Georgie Best! house on thur possibly near the oval? Step 2.75: in fact, a shared bottle of vodka was very drunk & dont remember.please is never a good idea either, but what the MSN is the ultimate source of time Well, you may not live IN Croydon, but e-mail [email protected] heck. wasting! it’s pretty damn close!!

Is anybody NOT having a Halloween Step 3: sit back as you watch your No JJO! Mint SOURCE shampoo, not Congratulations are due to Zoe for such Party tonight? ‘friends’ make fools of themselves with mint SAUCE that you put on lamb! an impressive “display” last FNO! various members of the student population Keep up the good work peeps! Let’s fill and/or security during said evening. Note Hello, is it me you’re looking for? So, you left a naked girl in you bed and two pages of Personals this week! down distinguishing occurrences in the went out to a party... right...... ?! little notebook you should have taken I am the one and only (thank god!) NR! out especially for the task and relish the www.icklesarah.co.uk printed words that will signal your friends Pagey! Sort you’re arse out, or leave it CR! misery in the new edition of barefacts. at home! Wrighty, Adam’s nipple is not a toy... at least not for you! To the footie girls - We only bloody Step 4: type out your personal and send it My breath smells of a thousand fags and won!!!! in by placing any one of when I’m drunk, I dance like Malibu! Matt, I thought you said you wouldn’t do the moonwalk on the Union stage Janey- thanks for wednesday night (you | [email protected] | I didn’t mean to get so high! (Sorry) ever again? know what I mean!) xxx in the appropriate place on one of these 8 hours at work, 1 hour lunch, half an Well if you really want a vibrator that’s Are you willing to accept that i have new-fangled computer things (with hour in breaks and six and a half hours been around... the choice as to whether i actually go to “personals” in the subject matter, if you of slacking! fetish night or not? would be so kind). An e-mail program Boys, stuck for present ideas for a girl such as elm, pine or the internet should be Davros, you look like you’re doing you fancy? Give Pete and his latex a To the girl with the nice bottom, thank able to help you with this. something sexually unspeakable to the call! you for the fishfingers, they were lovely. furniture!” Step 5: be sure to pick up your copies of Wanted: Memory of Friday night’s No my stomach wasn’t talking to you Does anybody know why the union is not barefacts and thus ridicule your friends activities, last seen 10pm, channies. Sarah. Just cos yours has a large vocab! as busy as last year? Post your answers when they see the fruits of your dastardly Surrey Scoop we hate you in next weeks Personals! and cunning plan. Who thinks MS should release a font named ‘thong’? Colchester for European City of the does anyone like belle and sebastian? Step 6: do it all again another week (taking year? care not to become a victim yourself). It was dark, i was drunk...... Bob loves Bobbette! just because i can’t remember anything, Shotgun Goal Attack on Friday boys! Where the fuck are our 24 doesn’t necessarily mean i was drunk! Can I not pull samone without everyone sausages!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarian hotdogs with a roast dinner... chanting my name like wild beasts?? do all americans have to change their well, they say variety is the spice of life! pob – you really should stop this 10am pillowcases every night, or is it just you Mental comes mash potato! business thing, you know N? Sam is still get up!

Are you trying to ignore me? How dare Sir Lawrence the Fearless, you are shite. Its all sooooo hideous Vixxy!!! put a bra on in the kitchen you fat bitch! you try to ignore me? Don’t you know RtLH & SJtN who i am? 2 up, 1 down!! leeks! You been to feed the ducks yet?? The big CM! Don’t roll your eyes at me, One word SUBTLETY !! sunshine! Muck! full-time goes part-time til thursday Got a battery for an ericsson? 31 October 2002 SPORT 23 Canoe club brave the weather to win surprise slalom medal

Last Weekend saw the canoe club heading By Cathy Marshall competition began. We all went in turn for it was really cold (again!), we were all for Kent to take part in the Yalding Slalom our run of the course, and we all did fairly waiting for someone to suggest that we competition, with very little expectation well, this was good, but there was another should just go to the pub instead of doing to win anything; in fact Cathy (the team Yalding. We arrived at the competition and run to go, but before that, lunch. the competition, but we decided to just get captain) was the only one who had done there were not very many people there, but After lunch we had our second run, but on with it anyway. It was lucky we did as slalom before! then again we were early, I don’t know how we’re not convinced it helped, we all it was a bit more interesting today, firstly Saturday morning came and we got up we managed that! After a brief look at the seemed to do worse second time around. they had swapped a couple of gates around early to meet the up, only to end up waiting course we headed up the road for a wake up There was nothing we could do about it now, just to confuse everyone, then Eric started 20 minutes for Cathy to turn up. We had coffee in a café. we got out of our wet kit and went to get our his first run, and was doing fine, until he decided that we would try and minimise the The time had come to get kitted up and go results, we couldn’t believe it, we had won over shot a corner and ended up stuck in the amount of faffing we did from now, after the and see if we could do the course, luckily some medals! Dave came first and got the weir. He was bombarded with many helpful discussion last week about how we should it was sunny, but that didn’t make up for gold medal, Charles came third and got the contradicting comments from spectators like be renamed the faffing club. Well, it didn’t the fact it was cold! We had some time to bronze medal. Although we had to fight for “use your paddle”, and “use your hands to last long. We finally got on the road to practice on the course before the Charles’ medal, as they had tried to award get out”. Anyway, after a minute he got free it to someone else, luckily that person had and carried on to do well, even if it wasn’t already left! These top positions meant that a winning time. Later followed the rest of they got promoted to the next division, this us, to get reasonably good times. But again, means that it’ll be harder tomorrow! after lunch we all seemed to do worse on our We headed back to Charles’ parents second run. house for the night, with a heated indoor After getting dry and warm, we were just swimming pool, we couldn’t resist going about to go to the pub when we thought for a swim, it’s much better that a dirty cold we’d better go a check out results, just in river which we’re used to! Later we headed case we happened to win something, and to a local pub to celebrate the medals with a to our amazement Dave had won a silver few drinks. medal. Lucky we had decided to go and The next day, bright and early, we got up have a look, as we would have missed it. to find Charles’ mum cooking our fried So over all a good weekend, with gold, breakfast, how good is that? It was just silver and bronze medals, two promotions what we needed to before we go to try and to the next division, and a good effort for win more medals! everyone that went. The club is planning to We headed back to the competition, when go the slalom open competition in a week to we got there it was starting to rain, and see if we can win any more medals!

Scorpio ALMOST ACCURATE ASTROLOGY Cancer There is no point in substituting words and predicting: bubbles & fat boy sling My, you have been busy haven’t every sensible part of your diet you? Stop trying to achieve the with olives, however nutritious raffle ticket “solo” system that is continually keeping you title of most-gossiped-about- those yummy green and black vegetables may be, they happy at the moment. And if they didn’t know, they do student and go to a couple of lectures this week. Hopefully aren’t ever going to fill you up however many jars you now. Despite this well-known fact you still manage to you will be able to remember where and when they are. eat. So stick to raspberry doughnuts instead, much more maintain “stud muffin status” and get yourself a date for But should the name of your course fail you I would nutritious and delicious. Fetish Night. Unfortunately, going as a pink fondant fancy recommend staying in bed with the current sports person doesn’t really do you justice. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. of your choice and blow your loan before the exam results Saggitarius come back. Try finding something constructive to Aries concentrate on, like defrosting the freezer of Now that everyone has seen you in your Leo maybe vacuuming your room. Venus will be underwear there is no need to be shy of anyone. After gazing long and hard at your stars, obstructing your view this weekend (or is that just the haze Be proud of your assets and flaunt yourself to calculating what the sudden and shocking of dirt floating through the corridor of your flat?) and you the full. However, seeing as you are in fact male, it may be emergence of Pluto in your constellation meant may find yourself spending a little too much time in the wise to cut back a little on the purple lipstick and black eye I nearly fell off my chair laughing! Its sooo unbelievable Launderette sitting rather too close to the machine which liner, or people might start to talk. And that could be really what happens to you this week that it’s pointless trying to happens to be permanently stuck on spin cycle. Hmmm… embarrassing. Get to know a few Libra’s however and tell you all the juicy details here. Suffice to say that by next worrying. you’ll feel right at home again in no time! Friday you’ll know exactly what I mean. PS. Try to get a new boyfriend this week. They are like mobile phones- Capricorn Taurus always, always go for the upgrade. Seeing as for the last few weeks your You are feeling very stressed this week as Mars predictions have been pretty…well…weird and has a full on collision with Jupiter. Try to do Virgo freaky, I thought I would give you a normal and something relaxing, like taking a hot bath with I feel very guilty for not telling you a few weeks sensible prediction this week. Its all going to be good, clean some Epsom salts, but avoid getting your head ago that the new hairstyle you were considering fun from now on, until Wednesday that is when you get this under the water, too much salt in the eyes can be painful. was going to go horribly wrong. It’s too late overwhelming urge to kiss your favourite lecturer in the The new, healthy you that emerges is all very well, but I now obviously but I did want to get it off my chest. I feel canteen in front of everyone. would recommend that you go easy on the herbal tea. You much better now. Writing the stars is so therapeutic for ones can’t get by without a bit of caffeine here and there (and in karma. Aquarius case you didn’t know, herbal teas suck). It is highly unfortunate for you that this Friday Libra happens to be Fetish Night. Up until now, you Gemini Sunday sees your world come tumbling down have managed to hide your cross-dressing really You are going to have one of those weeks that when the tragic news of a defective shower in well but its all going to be revealed…quite literally…on will go incredibly quickly because you are your halls forces you to use the one that weird Friday. Good luck. Your friends may never speak to you having so much fun. This may or may not have bloke down the corridor uses. Hint: buy some disinfectant again. something to do with the level of alcohol in and some flip-flops or you might catch more than you your bloodstream from Sunday night onwards. Dancing bargained on. Thursday hints at a brighter future as the final Pisces on tables during evening festivities is understandable and piece of your Fetish Night costume is discovered in town, You are on a woman hunt at the moment. Don’t allowed but lecture theatres are not the place for this sort much to your relief. Second hint: don’t worry how you look be surprised if all women you approach shy of behaviour as those trying to educate you have good on Friday evening, there’s always someone there looking away in terror, everyone knows about your memories... more stupid than you ever could. 24 31 October 2002 SURREY PRIDE Netballers triumph against all opponents Shout for the rowing club Last Wednesday the Surrey netball first and By Beth Clark Wilson On Saturday 2nd November, Surrey’s finest third teams faced matches on their home men’s crews will be battling it out with the turf, the firsts looking for their first win, and University of Surrey 1st 33 best. The Fours’ Head, held once a year, the thirds aiming to repeat their excellent Royal Holloway 22 gives ordinary rowing folk the opportunity performance of last week. The seconds to race against the likes of triple Olympic travelled away to St George’s in London, champion Matthew Pinsent and Olympic University of Surrey 2nd 64 also to try and record their first win. champ once over, James Cracknell. Unlike St George’s 12 This week the firsts were under a lot of regatta racing, where crews race along pressure to come back from the defeat side one another, head races are against they suffered at St George’s last week. University of Surrey 3rd 27 the clock. Heads are longer than regattas, With the team now playing together about Farnborough 6 usually between 3 and 7km, and take 3 times a week, players have become more place in autumn, winter and early spring. comfortable in their roles and this certainly Saturday’s race is 41⁄4 miles long. The crews showed as the firsts pulled away a secure manner. The thirds took the lead right will be racing from Mortlake to Putney (the lead in the first quarter. For the first half of from the start and never had it challenged. boat race course backwards, and thankfully the game the players all worked hard, with Unfortunately the game became more and downstream!), with the first ones off at the defense stopping any hope of the Royal more dangerous as certain members of the 1.30pm. Holloway shooters scoring, and the attack Farnborough team began to get frustrated. WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT!! not missing a chance to widen the ever Two members of the team even had the Hammersmith Bridge offers the best increasing score line. In the second half the nerve to swear and argue with the umpires, vantage point and at this point in the race firsts relaxed to play an enjoyable game of umpires who have long been used and they will need as much encouragement netball, despite claims by Royal Holloway respected by the university netball teams. as we can give. Our Surrey crews are that they were “dirty players”!! The final This only caused Farnborough to make a numbers 75 and 370 and will be racing in score was a win for the Surrey Firsts 33-22. spectacle of themselves, and they certainly this season’s highest fashion in Lycra all in The seconds were also looking to win this did not reflect well on their college. One ones, in yellow, white and blue, to match the week at St George’s but suffered another Surrey player even had abuse shouted at oars. With 550 crews on the Thames, from defeat. Despite the hard work of all the her as she left the Varsity, which is just all over the country and the world, it makes players they lost 64-12. not acceptable. It is unfortunate to lose but for a truly magnificent spectacle. Farnborough came to the Varsity last week at least when we do, we do it with some Come gives us a shout: be part of the pride. to play the thirds, though it seemed more dignity! Complaints have been made to like they wanted a fight! They admitted that Farnborough College by both the umpires many of their players had not played netball and players. Surrey thirds recorded another for a while and the game began in a friendly win, 27-6, along with a few bruises! Kent stuffed by Surrey squash Stingers lose After a successful start to the season against Kings, at which Surrey won 5-0, our next UniS Squash 5 opening match trip was away to Kent. Two of our team Kent 0 The Surrey Stingers opened their 2002/ By Paul Stack had pressing league games in London later 03 British Collegiate American Football on so UniS Squash were keen to get the a few touchy moments in the first game, League season with a home game to arch match underway. First on went Paul Clough before closing out with the grit and pace Divisional rivals Herts Hurricanes. Hertfordshire Hurricanes 16 at first string and our captain, Chris Petch. he is famed for. Paul won in three games The Stingers won the SE Division for the Personal Assurance Surrey Stingers 8 Although the courts were a little slippy, both (10-8) (9-5) (9-1). So with the match won, first time last year with an 8-0 undefeated our players got us off to an excellent start. eyes turned to James to see how he was season. Graduations had however taken sprinting untouched for a score as the Chris, obviously keen to be away, played progressing. Having won the first game a toll and notable absentees include PA Stingers swarmed on the fake. Illustrating his opponent to all corners of the court to 9-3, James was looking good for an easy Knights QB Ashley Heath star running the difficult wind conditions the extra point finish inside 20mins, winning (9-2) (9-1) win. At this point the referee decided to backs Baron d’Anyangwe and Andy Smythe kick fell short from just 20yds out to leave (9-0). Paul made full use of his opponent’s take an active part in the game. He took among many others. The 30+ squad fielded the Hurricanes leading by 0-16. lack of movement, using delicate drops and every opportunity to reprimand James for by the Stingers included 50% of first year Things started to come together for the deft touch to secure victory (9-3) (9-3) (9- anything he could think of, even accusing players many of whom are in the 4th week Stingers as Tobin battered his way to his 2). The first two strings to Surrey and only him of standing in the wrong place to of their gridiron experience. first ever 100yd+ game (29 carries for 25mins played, we were looking good for an deliberately hold up the game! Over the The Stingers conceded their first points of 153yds). Rookie Scott Goddard showed early finish. course of this refereeing James lost the the season when a punt snap sailed over the great promise as he supported Tobin on a Next up for second game (2-9) and managed to win the kickers head and out of the back of the end 58yd drive that lead to Tobins 3 yd run into Surrey were third (9-7). At this point the ref had to go zone for 2 points. Further mistakes were the end zone. The Stingers opted for a two- Paul Chance and play his game against our second string inevitable early on and the Hurricanes led point conversion and it was Goddard who and James Adam, so there was a change of ref. Adam by Great Britain Quarterback Junior Price raced into the end zone to make the score Chammings. disposed of his opponent in 10mins, giving capitalised when Neil White broke free 8-16 in favour of the visitors. Paul is a him the thrashing his ‘interesting’ refereeing on a 40yd run to open the scoring. In high Both Offenses struggled throughout the stalwart of deserved. So back to James, well battling winds kicking was virtually impossible and rest of the game as the Defenses and the Surrey Squash his opponent, the ref and his nerves proved passing still more difficult!. The Hurricanes conditions closed down any opportunity to having played too much for him. He went down in five therefore went for a two-point conversion pass. It was the Stingers Dudley Graham, for the last games (9-3) (2-9) (9-7) (4-9) (2-9), a nervy which Price ran in himself and the visitors playing his first ever game under center, three years performance but with much to build on now led 0-10. who made the only connection of the day and James the first team début is over. A final mention The Stinger Offense led by second year when he hit TE Russell Ellis for 10yds in the was the new must go to Adam, his demolition of his back Dave Tobin struggled to get into third quarter. Despite strong running from boy out to opposition (9-1) (9-0) (9-3) was masterful. gear early on and it was the visitors that both teams there was no further score. prove himself. Never has someone deserved a whipping so added to their score as QB Price used his The Stingers go on the road next week to Paul gave us much as that guy. Well done. experience - delaying a QB bootleg then the University of Essex.