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Crmttp on the War in Iraq PHILIP SONAN Don't Have Specific Opinions About This Specific War

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Crmttp on the War in Iraq PHILIP SONAN Don't Have Specific Opinions About This Specific War VOL. CI NO. 1 PUBLISHED BY A HANDFUL OF LONERS AT TRIN SINCE 1904 MARCH 31, 2003 Administration, Trustees Approve Dry Campus In Secret Sessions Vote to Ban Alcohol From All College-Owned Buildings and College Sponsored Events JOHN SMITH then it is reported that, in an iron- NEWS WRITER ic turn of events they all got real- ly really drunk. However, these In a meeting that, let's be reports can't be confirmed mostly frank, if it really happened, do because we're not all that sure you think that we'd be the first to what "ironic" means. know, Trustees and members of The effects of the new rule the Administration decided to ban will be far-reaching. Since the alcohol in all it's forms (including ruling is that "No alcohol at all that spray stuff you use to make will be tolerated in events that your breath fresh so that the have anything to do with this col- ladies will like you, but then they lege" The heath center will no don't like you anyway) from all longer be allowed to use rubbing College related functions and alcohol in cleaning cuts, the events. chemistry department will be cut I would like to tell you that because pretty much every, lab the decision came after much requires alcohol, and Catholic debate and was holtly desputed, churches throughout the land will but ii wasn't. Also, disputed isn't no longer be allowed to serve .spelled that way. wine if they still want to use the The meeting began with term "holy Trinity." Trinity's Prcsident/King/Self- In related news, Evan appointed Dictator For Life Dohelle has invited all students to Richard Hersh. saying "I don't LI. Hawaii for a "Booze Cruise," think that these little brats should courtesy of his public relations be allowed to drink." Everyone department. President Hersh in a discussion about changing the campus alcohol •ROBeRTLerrzeu. gave a cheer of agreement, and Aloha. policy. Yet Again, Trinity Protesters : Perforfflftlgift Spring Concert Stop War"TTI "1 rcttj- •'}••' . r Bands Also Not Performing Include Dave Matthews, Nelly iq Due to Pressure '->*•, BUCK NAKED the weekend in which the concert more than we did, this year, HAYWOOD JABLOMI of his GPA, said: "I am so disillu- NEWSLESS WRITER takes place). Busta will be a no-show simply PRETTY PLEASE? sioned by my party's leadership TCAC officials wouldn't because he wasn't invited. that, in my own private protest, 1 Sources inside TCAC have comment on who actually would Also not invited to this In a movement thai shocked will vote for Ralph Nader in each confirmed that for the second be performing at the concert, but year's annual event that we all the nation, Trinity organized a election from now on. Even if he 1 year in a row, Busta Ryhmes will they were able to confirm reports call the spring concert, reported campus rally that successfully is not running." not be performing at the annual that Busta would not. They were someone who may or may not be ended the war in Iraq. On Friday Dean of the Flamingly spring concert that takes place at also able to confirm reports that a member of TCAC or a student afternoon at approximately 4; 00 Liberal Professors admitted that spring weekend (also annual). PM, 12 students and faculty the protest was staged primarily 1 "Actually, since he's never 'T/7/5 year, our goal is to get bands members joined together, hand in to anger President Hersh, and that 1 actually been to the concert, I hand, to make a statement against the real president's decision was •1 mean, ever, it's more like the one that will actually show up." -TCAC CEO the Bush administration's unilat- an equally successful result. J hundreth year in a row, or some- Joe Kohlman eral aggression against the mid- In his Saturday morning thing," commented another mem- dle-eastern nation.. ' address to the nation formally ber of TCAC. By 4:04 PM, Colin Powell withdrawing troops from combat, Well, shut up, Mr. Smartie "What kind of a person names at Trinity (we never can tell), are was alerted by his top advisors of President Bush was wearing a '1 Pants, do you want to write the himself'Busla'?"." Nelly, Eminem, N'Sync, the the protest and quickly arranged "No blood for oil" t-shirt. » Jj damn article yourself? In an interesting develop- Backstreet Boys, and Menudo. A an emergency meeting with An anonymous administra- Anyway, where were we? ment, Busta will have new rea- spokesman for Menudo said not President Bush, Condoleeza Rice, tion spokesperson assured the '*S! Right, the concert. As I was say- sons for not attending the concert very much because we didn't and even Dick Cheney, who was Tripod in a private interview that ing before we were so rudely this year. Where as last year Mr. call to talk to him. dug out of his underground the president was so inspired by interupted, Busta will not be per- Rhymes was unable to preform at Representatives for N'Sync, bunker in Omaha and airlifted to the protestors exercising their • 4 forming at the spring concert Trinity because he was either A) however, have been very vocal Constitutional rights that he had a i H Camp David. f (which, you might recall is an Stuck in Detroit or something or in their protests of what they,call This turn of events exceeded genuine change of heart, and pub- • Vi annual event, as is Spring B) busy performing at Boston "the Tyrannical TCAC Regime." even the most idealistic of expec- lic opinion did not factor into his •J Weekend, which, iricidently, is College because they paid him They have also been very vocal tations from rich, white, Trinity decision. in saying "please help me, my students who couldn't even locate job is to represent N'Sync, I hate Iraq on a map. G. Brainard INSIDE 1 my life." DuPont Lee LXIX Esq. '03 The actual members of weighed in on his emotions about See Arts for an mmmboping N'Sync have also been vocal. In the policy change: "It feels so ' review of the Spring Weekend their songs. Because all of them good to know that the Trinity headliner, Hanson. 69 '•'I are singers. Get it? community can really make a dif- See Features for Anna Nicole In related news, someone ference. There is a valuable les- Smith's fashion makeover of please help me. Why the heck son to be learned here: All you Ron Kiener. - 69 1 did I ever join this stupid news- need to change the world for gen- paper? Why? Now I'm racked by erations is a liberal arts educa- Four lines of text go here Four , - j guilt and I can't get out. tion." lines of text go here Four lines ) Take my advice, and don't, When further questioned of text go here ) ever join the Liepod. Instead, about what new social reforms he find something else to do with would pursue after this accom- News • page 69 *i your time. But first, come save plishment, Lee tigd only this to Opinions page 69 me, Please, I'm begging you. say:-"I like beer." Features page 69 I'm actually begging, as in The president of the Young Arts page 69 on my freakin knees. Pretty Republicans Club, who wishes to WWW.BUSTARHYMeS.COM Announcements page 69 please... remain anonymous for protection Sports page 96 i Busta Rhymes again too good for Trinity. , i '••":j V-i PAGE 1,000,000,000 LIEPOD THE TRINITY LIEPOD - JULY 15, 2546 I Have No Opinion Crmttp On The War In Iraq PHILIP SONAN don't have specific opinions about this specific war. Abigail P. Thomas '03 TALKS TOO MUCH Christopher P. Baker '03 Look, let me prove it to you WHIP-MASTER "WHY AM I HERE?" To be really honest with you, that there are many things that I Edna P. Guerrasio '05 I have no opinion on the war in do have opinions about. I have Iraq. 1 just don't know. I mean, opinions about drinking (it's NUTSHELL LOVER the other day, my roommate was cool). I also have opinions about like, "War is bad" and I was like, homework (it's not so cool). PLEASE WRITE FOR US! NATE BAKER'S SLUTS "Yeah," but really I was just say- Kristin P. Powell '03 Jennifer P. Dunn '05 Other things that I have opinions Libby P.Sucher-Jacobson '04 ing that to make him stop talking. Alex P. Gordon '05 about are, cookies, ice-cream, tel- If I hadn't agreed with him right evisions and that really cool video Definitely Not Meant To Be away, you know he would have game, Grand Theft Auto. VIRGIN CORNER Joe P. Stramondo '04 Eliza P. Sayward '05 Eileen P. Flynn '05 Rebecca P. Fowler '05 gone on some rant about how war And I like that beer commer- is bad, and how Bush is a bad cial where those two chicks get it MISSING IN ACTION president. Then he probably on. That's hot. JUST PRETTY FACES Daniel P. Scollan '05 would have gone off and hugged Peter P. Scala '05 Nick "No-show" Ratio '06 Oh, and I also have opinions a tree or saved some baby seals or about my roommate's girlfriend. TECHNOLOGY CONSULTANT HEHEHE something. What a loser. She is a biatch. I'm sorry to use (AND OUR GOD) Chris P.
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