Worksheet for Rachael Denhollander | What Is a Girl Worth? (Episode 332)

Entrusted to care for hundreds of young women and girls as a USA Gymnastics national team doctor and Michigan State University osteopathic How do you respond to expectations? physician, Larry Nassar was perfectly poised to abuse that trust for decades. Now sentenced to Gretchen Rubin, host of the Happier centuries behind bars for charges ranging from Podcast and author of The Four first-degree criminal sexual conduct to Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality possession of child pornography, he might still be preying on the innocent were it not for the Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your actions of today’s guest. Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too), joined us for Episode 18 to In this episode, we talk to Rachael Denhollander, discuss how answering this one simple author of What Is a Girl Worth?: My Story of Breaking the Silence and Exposing the Truth question gives us a framework to make about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics. As the better decisions, manage time efficiently, first woman to speak publicly after filing a police suffer less stress, and engage with others report against Nassar, Rachael encouraged more more effectively. than 250 fellow survivors of his abuse to speak out — leading not only to life imprisonment, but the exposure of a vast coverup that allowed him to perpetuate this abuse for so long.

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with “That’s Not Possible!” inner expectations. How could a trusted medical professional like ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, Larry Nassar get away with abusing hundreds of Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner girls and young women in plain sight for have everything in you to rise to the expectations. decades? Rachael explains: “Everybody tells their top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- child, ‘Nobody should touch you down there gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. except Mommy and Daddy if they’re helping you on the potty, and a doctor if he needs to make gain by not believing this?

sure you’re okay.’ Now understanding how you act and “Larry was able to act as though he were treating react based on your natural tendencies injuries and he would just brazenly abuse in the toward outer and inner expectations, room. He would penetrate all of us with his how would you leverage that awareness ﬁngers, but he would do it under a towel and he to improve the outcome? In what ways would block our parents, who were sitting in the could you have shifted the expectations room. … People ask me all the time, ‘Why didn’t to align with your natural tendencies? you tell your mom?’ I didn’t know I needed to tell my mom. She was sitting right there. I thought she could see what he was doing and he knew I thought she could see what he was doing. ‘Well, why didn’t your mom ask?’ My mom didn’t know she needed to ask because she could see everything except that left hand.

“Abusers are skilled manipulators and they are able to create circumstances that make it seem impossible to abuse because they know it’s going to invoke the response ‘That’s not possible’ if someone tries to disclose.”

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer “That’s Not Possible!” expectations unless they align with After hearing this episode and understanding inner expectations. that “92 to 98 percent” of accusations are ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, accurate, how would you respond if a child Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner came forward to tell you they’ve been have everything in you to rise to the expectations. inappropriately touched by an adult you otherwise trusted? If your initial impression is top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- “That’s not possible,” understand that abusers gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. masterfully manipulate circumstances to gain by not believing this? perpetuate this disbelief, and it takes a lot of Now understanding how you act and courage for a child to come forward in such a react based on your natural tendencies climate. Recognize that courage and treat the accusation seriously, no matter how impossible toward outer and inner expectations, it seems at ﬁrst glance. how would you leverage that awareness to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations to align with your natural tendencies?

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with Grooming Red Flags inner expectations. An abuser “grooms” potential victims and the ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, people around him by adopting a kind and caring Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner persona and manipulating circumstances to have everything in you to rise to the expectations. make it seem like he’s incapable of being abusive. top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- “It’s a way to gain the trust, not just of the victim, gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. but of the community surrounding the victim to ensure that if the victim ever speaks up, the gain by not believing this?

abuser is more likely to be trusted than the Now understanding how you act and person disclosing is,” says Rachael. Larry Nassar react based on your natural tendencies ran charities and volunteered. He taught Sunday toward outer and inner expectations, school. He made small talk that pushed the right how would you leverage that awareness buttons. So how can we tell when a would-be abuser is grooming us or someone we know? to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations “There are some red ﬂags that often pop up,” says to align with your natural tendencies? Rachael. “You know, adults spending inordinate amounts of time with particular children. Tokens of affection or gifts that seem abnormal or are targeting certain children. And so there are sometimes red ﬂags to look for. I don’t want to minimize that they aren’t, but oftentimes the grooming would be something that would almost make us instinctively go, ‘Why would I think something like that about that guy? He’s so good.’ And that’s exactly what they want you to do.”

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer “That’s Not Possible!” expectations unless they align with Are there any adults in your life that might be inner expectations. sending out these kinds of red ﬂags? People ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, who are always on their best behavior when Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner they’re in your presence, and seem almost too have everything in you to rise to the expectations. good to be true? The goal here is not to be paranoid against the genuinely decent people top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- in our lives, but vigilant about those who are gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. trying to hide darker intentions. gain by not believing this?

Now understanding how you act and react based on your natural tendencies toward outer and inner expectations, how would you leverage that awareness to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations to align with your natural tendencies?

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with Default: Truth or Comfort? inner expectations. Once-beloved Penn State football coach Joe ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, Paterno quickly fell from grace when it was Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner discovered that he was aware of — and concealed have everything in you to rise to the expectations. — defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky’s sexual top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- abuse of young boys over a 15-year period. gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the gain by not believing this?

People We Don’t Know, defends Paterno by Now understanding how you act and saying that only someone trained in spotting react based on your natural tendencies pedophilia should have been expected to take toward outer and inner expectations, these allegations seriously enough to come how would you leverage that awareness forward. In short, he was defaulting to what he believed to be true. to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations Rachael disagrees. “That is not an accurate to align with your natural tendencies? premise,” she says. “We do not default to truth. We default to what’s comfortable to us. And perpetuating the notion that we are defaulting to truth normalizes ignoring pedophilia. Gladwell is normalizing and excusing not acting on very clear warning signs of childhood sexual abuse. And that is incredibly damaging because it is perpetuating our rape myths and our cultural myths.”

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer “That’s Not Possible!” expectations unless they align with Do you believe humans have a tendency to inner expectations. default to truth, as Gladwell posits, or a ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, tendency to default to what’s comfortable, as Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner Rachael contends? Why does one position have everything in you to rise to the expectations. make more sense than the other to you and your experience? top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. gain by not believing this?

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with Instilling Boundaries inner expectations. Understanding how difﬁcult it is for victims to ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, come forward when they know their accusations Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner are unlikely to be believed as credible, is there have everything in you to rise to the expectations. anything we can do to encourage them to speak top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- up? While Rachael believes it’s fundamentally gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. unfair to put the burden of proof on the victim, parents can instill a sense of boundaries in their gain by not believing this?

children to make them more resistant to Now understanding how you act and manipulative grooming by a would-be abuser — react based on your natural tendencies and let them know they’ll be supported no toward outer and inner expectations, matter what. how would you leverage that awareness “One of the things my husband and I do with our to improve the outcome? In what ways kids is we teach them principles of bodily could you have shifted the expectations autonomy from a very, very young age,” Rachael to align with your natural tendencies? says. “Nobody’s allowed to touch you without permission. That’s a rule in our household. And that includes quote-unquote good touches. You don’t hug without permission. You don’t tickle without permission. And they know that if somebody touches without permission, they can come to me and they can tell me and I will defend them, even if it’s against their brother or a family member who’s hugged them and not respected their boundaries.

jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with “We [also] teach our children the importance of “Winning” at Hobbies inner expectations. respecting their privacy, and we verbalize it to ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, them over and over and over again. For example, if one of my children needs to use the bathroom, Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner you know, they’re young enough, they still need have everything in you to rise to the expectations. help in the bathroom, I’ll help get them situated. top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- And then I will say to them, ‘Mommy’s going to gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. step out and give you your privacy now cause gain by not believing this? your privacy is important to me and I’m right here when you need help.’ And so I am articulating to Now understanding how you act and them over and over and over again that their react based on your natural tendencies privacy matters. So people should respect their toward outer and inner expectations, privacy. If someone doesn’t respect their privacy, how would you leverage that awareness there’s something wrong and I will defend them. to improve the outcome? In what ways We start with very basic foundational principles could you have shifted the expectations like that that will grow as their sexual knowledge grows.” to align with your natural tendencies? If you have children, in what ways do you instill boundaries and communicate to them that they can rely on your support no matter how persuasive the instinct to say “That’s not possible!” might be?

Full show notes and resources for this episode can be found here.

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