Worksheet for Rachael Denhollander | What Is a Girl Worth? (Episode 332)
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Worksheet for Rachael Denhollander | What Is a Girl Worth? (Episode 332) Entrusted to care for hundreds of young women and girls as a USA Gymnastics national team doctor and Michigan State University osteopathic How do you respond to expectations? physician, Larry Nassar was perfectly poised to abuse that trust for decades. Now sentenced to Gretchen Rubin, host of the Happier centuries behind bars for charges ranging from Podcast and author of The Four first-degree criminal sexual conduct to Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality possession of child pornography, he might still be preying on the innocent were it not for the Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your actions of today’s guest. Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too), joined us for Episode 18 to In this episode, we talk to Rachael Denhollander, discuss how answering this one simple author of What Is a Girl Worth?: My Story of Breaking the Silence and Exposing the Truth question gives us a framework to make about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics. As the better decisions, manage time efficiently, first woman to speak publicly after filing a police suffer less stress, and engage with others report against Nassar, Rachael encouraged more more effectively. than 250 fellow survivors of his abuse to speak out — leading not only to life imprisonment, but the exposure of a vast coverup that allowed him to perpetuate this abuse for so long. jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with “That’s Not Possible!” inner expectations. How could a trusted medical professional like ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, Larry Nassar get away with abusing hundreds of Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner girls and young women in plain sight for have everything in you to rise to the expectations. decades? Rachael explains: “Everybody tells their top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- child, ‘Nobody should touch you down there gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. except Mommy and Daddy if they’re helping you on the potty, and a doctor if he needs to make gain by not believing this? sure you’re okay.’ Now understanding how you act and “Larry was able to act as though he were treating react based on your natural tendencies injuries and he would just brazenly abuse in the toward outer and inner expectations, room. He would penetrate all of us with his how would you leverage that awareness fingers, but he would do it under a towel and he to improve the outcome? In what ways would block our parents, who were sitting in the could you have shifted the expectations room. … People ask me all the time, ‘Why didn’t to align with your natural tendencies? you tell your mom?’ I didn’t know I needed to tell my mom. She was sitting right there. I thought she could see what he was doing and he knew I thought she could see what he was doing. ‘Well, why didn’t your mom ask?’ My mom didn’t know she needed to ask because she could see everything except that left hand. “Abusers are skilled manipulators and they are able to create circumstances that make it seem impossible to abuse because they know it’s going to invoke the response ‘That’s not possible’ if someone tries to disclose.” jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer “That’s Not Possible!” expectations unless they align with After hearing this episode and understanding inner expectations. that “92 to 98 percent” of accusations are ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, accurate, how would you respond if a child Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner came forward to tell you they’ve been have everything in you to rise to the expectations. inappropriately touched by an adult you otherwise trusted? If your initial impression is top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- “That’s not possible,” understand that abusers gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. masterfully manipulate circumstances to gain by not believing this? perpetuate this disbelief, and it takes a lot of Now understanding how you act and courage for a child to come forward in such a react based on your natural tendencies climate. Recognize that courage and treat the accusation seriously, no matter how impossible toward outer and inner expectations, it seems at first glance. how would you leverage that awareness to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations to align with your natural tendencies? jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with Grooming Red Flags inner expectations. An abuser “grooms” potential victims and the ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, people around him by adopting a kind and caring Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner persona and manipulating circumstances to have everything in you to rise to the expectations. make it seem like he’s incapable of being abusive. top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- “It’s a way to gain the trust, not just of the victim, gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. but of the community surrounding the victim to ensure that if the victim ever speaks up, the gain by not believing this? abuser is more likely to be trusted than the Now understanding how you act and person disclosing is,” says Rachael. Larry Nassar react based on your natural tendencies ran charities and volunteered. He taught Sunday toward outer and inner expectations, school. He made small talk that pushed the right how would you leverage that awareness buttons. So how can we tell when a would-be abuser is grooming us or someone we know? to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations “There are some red flags that often pop up,” says to align with your natural tendencies? Rachael. “You know, adults spending inordinate amounts of time with particular children. Tokens of affection or gifts that seem abnormal or are targeting certain children. And so there are sometimes red flags to look for. I don’t want to minimize that they aren’t, but oftentimes the grooming would be something that would almost make us instinctively go, ‘Why would I think something like that about that guy? He’s so good.’ And that’s exactly what they want you to do.” jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer “That’s Not Possible!” expectations unless they align with Are there any adults in your life that might be inner expectations. sending out these kinds of red flags? People ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, who are always on their best behavior when Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner they’re in your presence, and seem almost too have everything in you to rise to the expectations. good to be true? The goal here is not to be paranoid against the genuinely decent people top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- in our lives, but vigilant about those who are gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. trying to hide darker intentions. gain by not believing this? Now understanding how you act and react based on your natural tendencies toward outer and inner expectations, how would you leverage that awareness to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations to align with your natural tendencies? jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer expectations unless they align with Default: Truth or Comfort? inner expectations. Once-beloved Penn State football coach Joe ● Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, Paterno quickly fell from grace when it was Do you agree with Will -- that you do not but struggle to meet inner discovered that he was aware of — and concealed have everything in you to rise to the expectations. — defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky’s sexual top? What does Western society have to ● Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- abuse of young boys over a 15-year period. gain if you believe this? What do you both outer and inner. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the gain by not believing this? People We Don’t Know, defends Paterno by Now understanding how you act and saying that only someone trained in spotting react based on your natural tendencies pedophilia should have been expected to take toward outer and inner expectations, these allegations seriously enough to come how would you leverage that awareness forward. In short, he was defaulting to what he believed to be true. to improve the outcome? In what ways could you have shifted the expectations Rachael disagrees. “That is not an accurate to align with your natural tendencies? premise,” she says. “We do not default to truth. We default to what’s comfortable to us. And perpetuating the notion that we are defaulting to truth normalizes ignoring pedophilia. Gladwell is normalizing and excusing not acting on very clear warning signs of childhood sexual abuse. And that is incredibly damaging because it is perpetuating our rape myths and our cultural myths.” jordanharbinger.com ● Upholders -- Motivated by both outer and inner expectations. ● Questioners -- Challenge outer “That’s Not Possible!” expectations unless they align with Do you believe humans have a tendency to inner expectations.