I Always Thought….. Mother, You Weren’T Always There When I Needed You to Be, I Always Thought That I Was Weird Yet I Still Care

Introduction My name is Amberlynn Melugin and you are about to read some of my poems that I have written throughout my life in the state’s care. I have only lived at Hill Country Youth Ranch for about 1 year but I have been in and out of the State’s custody since the day I was born. Growing up in state’s care is one of the hardest things to do, but once you have lived through it, you become a stronger person. This is my story of holding on, letting go, and how I learned to walk with God. It took me many years to accept God in my life and to learn to let go of my past and certain people that were holding me down. Once I did let go, it was the best feeling in the world . I am moving on with my life. I will continue to live my life the only way I know how . . . day by day . I will be successful. My future is not set in stone, but I plan to become nothing like those that hurt me . I want to be a forensic scien- tist and a motivational speaker so I can share my story and pray it helps those who hear it . . .starting with you. Amberlynn Table of Contents

Daddy Lord give me strength Dead in a Dream Mother for some things are hard to deal with No One Said Life Was Easy and I need a little help Lord Give Me to pull me through. I Always Thought . . .

Holding On, Letting Go, and Walking With God

3 Daddy

Daddy, why did you have to go and leave your only daughter all alone? Now a once happy household has become a broken home. In case you haven’t heard the men in blue took me away, too. I want to thank all the staff There was nothing mother could do. who have been a part of my life You were imprisoned and had no rights to fight. Your wife didn’t even try . . . since I came here . . . you guys the heroine had her tight. While you wrote and stayed in touch, she pulled away to be with her new love . . . are doing a great job! Keep up I knew him very well , his name was Heroin. the good work and continue to Daddy, I tried to run away to be with you, instead they moved me further away. keep the children happy. It has been 7 years now and I am a woman. Are you ever going to be a real man? Are you ever going to be my dad? I know it makes you sad , wherever you are, to know you have lost your only daughter because you couldn’t be the parent she needs.

Daddy, please when you get out, come home to me. I still love you and respect what you did . . . After all ,you were only protecting me.

Daddy can we still be a family, just you and me?

4 13 Thank You to . . . Dead In A Dream

My family for the inspiration to write my poetry over the years I have been away from home. To I can’t believe this is the end my grandmother, thank you for the kind words that I am outside looking in. kept me going and for always reminding me that Can you see my smashed car? God was there to see me through. To my second set I swerved to miss that concrete bar. of parents growing up, Frank and Cecilia, thank you I guess I had to much to drink, for taking me in and loving me as your own. To Or maybe I had not had enough sleep. Aunt Lisa and Uncle Gary I love you both very I wonder why I must die much for all your help and for being there always. I can see myself and where I lie To Crystal, I love you so much and thanks for all I tell the medics, “no not me!” the years of laughter because with out you I would Please, someone recessitate me! never smile. Don’t just stand there to watch me bleed To HCYR thank you for giving me a place to Grab a towel, get on your knees live that was safe and actually one of the best place- Are you all too good to help me? ments I have ever been to in my 17 years of state Where’s my family? care off and on. To Carol thank you for working Grab a phone! with me on this poetry book and for all your love I won’t die here all alone!? and support. To the Priours, thank you for giving me I’m not dead , I’m right here! a second chance when I got in too deep to pull myself out and for helping along my path to becoming I see there faces and how they morn. independent. To Olivia, where would I be without Then I am awakened by the sound of a door you because you always got things done for me I see my house-parent half asleep. when it came to visits and my caseworker. To Molly She tells me it was just a dream. I love you so much for the beautiful person you are. You have taught me so much and always helped me through my hard times. 5 12 Mother I Always thought….. Mother, you weren’t always there when I needed you to be, I always thought that I was weird yet I still care.

You did not get to watch me grow up Because I had no family. or comb my hair or paint my nails, I always thought that I was unloved yet I still send you letters. Because no one said they loved me. It doesn’t matter that you don’t write back. I always thought they would be back We don’t always see eye to eye. But I realized they really left me. We don’t always call or write. But now we finally may reunite. I always thought I would be on my own I am all grown up and on my own, But then I found those just like me. but I turn to you to have a second chance. I always thought I was the only one Will you be a mother and help me through life? Tomorrow I will be a wife, But it turned out there’s millions and I need your motherly advice. Who are just like me. I don’t want to repeat your mistakes. No family or a place to go . . . Mother I love you, All we had were the foster homes. for you gave me life. It doesn’t take a lot to forgive, The shelters and placements . . . but it’s always hard to forget. Never staying at one that long. You may have not been a parent; But soon enough you never paid our rent . . . but our love was not spent They became my home. because an angel was sent. I always thought I would go nowhere You will always be my mother . . . But I worked hard to get along. remember it’s a title that’s earned. Our lives were churned, but now its my turn I always thought no one like me could make it to be a care taker But I’ve realized because I to am a mother. I always thought wrong. You see, the role is reversed but I broke the curse. My children will always come first. 11 6 No One Said Life Was Easy

Life is so hard When you live the life I do. It is so very tough And too much is never enough. It never stops . The changes keep coming. Your heart constantly broken . . . You hope someone’s joking. You miss your family and friends. The depression never ends. The memories will never fade You will always remember yesterdays, We will never forget the years gone by . We will continuously ask our selves “why?” Why me, why now, why is it so hard? No parents and no one to turn to. No letters, no postcards, not even a hope. You wonder where they all are . . . Time goes by so fast. “So stop hating life and live it to the best. Let go of all the hurt and God will do the rest”.

10 7 Lord Give Me

Lord give me good memory for sometimes I forget who I am Lord give me protection where I came from for I am scared of life and the things I was taught because it is so big along the way. and you never know

what you will run into. Lord give me patience for sometimes I am easily Lord give me a big heart frustrated and angered so I may help and befriend not knowing why. those who need a shoulder to cry on

Lord give me love Lore give me sight for sometimes a little love so I may see takes us a long way how I affect those around me (wherever it comes from) and not be so blind about my actions. sometimes we just need that tenderness. Lord give me forgiveness Lord give me strength so I may forgive the past, for some things are hard to deal with be forgiven , and move on with life. and I need a little help to pull me through. 9 8