ANDREA MARY MARSHALL ANDREA MARY MARSHALL

Can’t Keep Sweet

Andrea Mary Marshall

Artwork and Interview Andrea Mary Marshall Text Alexandra Weiss

A few years ago, artist and self-portraitist Andrea Mary widespread abuses within the community. As part of her research, Marshall was walking through the Tudor Room in the National she met former FLDS member Sarah Allred, and Tonia Tewell, Portrait Gallery when she came upon a painting of King Henry the founder of Holding Out HELP, a non-profit in Utah that helps VIII. Standing before the image, she began to think about its those trying to leave polygamist communities. Allred, who was subject and his six wives. Quickly, her mind jumped to the married to a polygamist at 18 and had her seven children taken Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, away from her before being excommunicated nearly seven years a controversial Mormon denomination, and a photo she’d ago, became one of the many voices Marshall hoped to amplify seen of its now-incarcerated leader, Warren Jeffs. In it, Jeffs is through her project, the title of which emphasizes “individuality surrounded by his doting wives—over 50 of them—wearing of expression over conformity,” she says. “I am not just another their traditional FLDS of modest pastel over face in the crowd, I am not easily replaced with another wife, I four to five layers of , their long hair brushed am not interchangeable as a woman. I am a woman with rights, sweetly into conservative buns. and not vice versa.”

That image, in a weird way, then reminded Marshall of ANDREA MARY MARSHALL—What was your life like in Versace’s iconic Fall/Winter campaign from 1994, in which the FLDS? supermodels including Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Stephanie Seymour and Christy Turlington, posed in their SARAH ALLRED—Women were there to serve their husbands own long- pastels. While the similarities between the and to have children—I had known that since I was young. But two images may be tenuous, their contrast is stark: in the when Warren Jeffs came into power, that’s when they really Versace photo, the women are powerful, sexy, unguarded— started telling us the details of what we should wear, when we the queens of their own reality—and their clothes are just one should wake up, what we should pray for, what we should eat— manifestation of their unencumbered force. In Warren’s, the basically controlling our whole lives. women look small, their smiles either disguising their fear or serving as proof of their blind faith, their garments a reminder AM—What was it like being a woman in the community? of their mandated and utter lack of free will. SA— My whole life I was told that I just didn’t matter, that my That dichotomy, and the empathy she felt for the women in the voice didn’t matter. ‘You’re just a girl, what can you do?’ You’re FLDS community, became the inspiration for Marshall’s latest there to be seen and not heard. If you had a question, you had to series, Not Vice/Versa. In it, the artist wears traditional FLDS really ponder on whether it was worth asking or not, because dresses and garments while mimicking the models even a question would get you in not good standing. If you asked in the Versace ad, her goal being to raise awareness about the too many questions, or if you asked the wrong question, or even

140 141 ANDREA MARY MARSHALL ANDREA MARY MARSHALL in the wrong way. I think that’s why a lot of women just don’t mom and that I wasn’t worthy to be in the community, so to wear a that did not fit the form, and that were faith— you were treated like you were possessed by the devil speak. With me, it felt like my kids were how they controlled they no longer had any use for me. I’m glad now, because full-figured, meaning they had to fully cover up your body so you because you had a sickness. Or if you were a mother and had me, because if you don’t conform to everything that’s required of my greatest trial became my greatest blessing. But at the couldn’t see any skin, even if you didn’t have a on. And of a child that was sick, you did not exert enough faith for them you, then your children will get taken away. time, it wasn’t my choice and it took me a couple of years of course we had to wear a , but it got to the point where the to be healed, so you were not a good mother. I had a daughter hell to actually get over it. had to be specially made—they couldn’t be made by the church. who would often get really sick with high fevers of 105 degrees. I AM—Which is what they did to you, right? We had to wear like, four layers of every day. didn’t know what was wrong, so I called the ambulance once and AM—After you left? got reprimanded for it. They sent the ambulance home, and sent SA—Yes, they did before I finally left. They had been taken away AM—What education did you receive in the community? What a group of men over, then they just prayed for her, and in their from me six times, and each time they were taken away, it was SA—Yes. I was still so brainwashed. It wasn’t until I was gone for were you taught about the outside world? prayers, it was just about fixing the mother’s faith so she could anywhere from six months to two years. But it was for no reason, two years that I took off my underwear, unplugged the recorded be healed. But there’s so much more to the story. I eventually, except for that they felt like they couldn’t control me anymore. readings and Warren Jeffs’ teachings and just stopped. It was like SA—We were taught that the outside world was wicked—that rebelling to the consequences of getting punished, got her tested, an addiction or something—it was like he was plugged into your they would harm us. We were taught to fear it in every way. When and she had one kidney that had stopped functioning, it was killing TONIA TEWELL—Or they said you were not fit to be a mother, head at all times, so you didn’t know what your heart was telling I was growing up, we could freely go shopping, and went to fairs, her other kidney. Because I went and had them take care of her which is what they told a lot of my other clients, as well. you, and even if you did, you didn’t dare listen to it. For me, it and carnivals, and to the lagoon. But as we got older, partaking with surgery to remove the kidney, I was called rebellious and got was like an ‘aha’ moment, where I wasn’t going to take this crap in anything of the outside world made it so you were not in good shunned. I also got my other children taken away, and received a SA—Yeah, that’s ultimately what they told me. That, and anymore. I could either die of a broken heart, or loneliness, and standing. It got to the point where you could not even step foot message from Warren Jeffs that I was of the devil, because I didn’t that my children were meant for greatness and that I wasn’t let them win, or I could stand up. I saw around the world that in the outside world, wear any clothes, or eat any foods that were lean on my own Heavenly Father for my child to be healed. worthy to raise them. women were being powerful and it was very inspiring for me. made or processed outside of the community. It got so bad that they said if you were to even walk into a store and glance at the AM—Did you have anyone you could confide in? AM—Were there certain things you did that made them start to OFFICE—Why did they kick you out? newspapers or tabloids or whatever, the devil would take over take your kids away, or did they do it just to exert their control? your mind and body, and you would be excommunicated. They SA—I kept it all in, because that was the way that it would always SA—My oldest daughter was being groomed for Warren Jeffs, told us in church about a man who read the front page of a news come back and bite you. My half-sister, I would kind of confide SA—To exert their control. I remember most of the time, I was and I realized that when he went to prison. Going back to when article and got his family taken away. in her, because she was the person I trusted most. But even then, so baffled—I didn’t understand what I had done or if I had even she was a young girl, his whole family—everyone—just knew I wouldn’t really dare, because I was afraid that I would get in done anything. Sometimes you were given a reason, sometimes that she belonged to him. But when she was six years old, Warren AM—This was around the time Warren was in trouble and on trouble for feeling that way or she would be ashamed of me— you weren’t. Most of the time, though, I was told, “You have got taken to prison, and I just happened to be in a place that I the run, so he didn’t want anybody to see what was happening. that I wasn’t as perfect as everyone expected or wanted me to to suffer because somebody has to atone for the disunity in the wasn’t supposed to, where I saw something I wasn’t supposed be. And being a sister-wife to Warren Jeffs’ daughter wasn’t all family,” and I was the one that was always chosen for that. One to see, and I realized that Warren Jeffs’ wives had been taking SA—Exactly. We didn’t even know at the time what Warren peaches and cream, let me tell you. That was probably one of the day you were in good standing and happily doing everything you young girls from different families and grooming them for him. was being prosecuted for. We were just told that it was religious biggest things. were told, and then the next minute, you’re in a vehicle in the That night, I had a nightmare and woke up, and wrote a letter persecution—that it was the devil trying to halt God’s work. night getting hauled somewhere and left without a phone, or to Warren. I told him I would never condone that. Ultimately, AM—What was it like with the other sister-wives? vehicle, or any way to contact anyone. There was usually a man I believe that the rebellion I showed is why they wanted me to AM—When he was eventually arrested, didn’t he blame the that was supposedly there to make sure you had the food you leave. So, they accused me of child murder. We were always told community? For not being faithful or holy enough? SA—Each one of them had their different things, their different needed—they were called ‘caregivers,’ but they were really just the only way we could lose our place in heaven is if we murdered personalities that they brought to the table. But we just knew there to make sure that you were doing what you’re supposed to, someone. So, they started telling women who had miscarriages, SA—Yeah, we were told that he was in prison because of our lack that we had to live in peace and harmony or we wouldn’t. I’ll and to report back to Warren or my husband. I didn’t know how or even used birth control, that they were murdering their of faith. He blamed everybody else. So, you had people starving give you one example: I got pregnant with my third child and much abuse it was until now, really. children, even though I hadn’t even had a miscarriage. Part of themselves, fasting in prayer. He would have days—even up to was put on bed rest. I could hear my three-year-old in the other why I started writing my book was because I wanted to leave a a week at a time—where he would call on a fast for him to be room, and another one of the sister-wives was being really rough AM—With so much psychological, physical and sexual abuse in legacy for my children about each fight I went through to have delivered, because things were getting so bad and it was up to with her, yelling at her. So I called her to me and took her into the community, why do you think so many women have stayed? each of them here today, including that accusation. After they us to deliver him. It was such a mind game. But he not only got my room, and I suffered because of it. When my husband got kicked me out, they told my kids that I had tried to abort them, more powerful, he got even meaner. Because he was suffering, he home and learned that I had stood up for my child against another SA—Because they don’t realize how strong they are, because and when that didn’t work, I tried to kill them. That was probably was going to make sure that the rest of us were suffering, as well. mother, he didn’t let my children come into my room for a while, their whole lives they were told that they were weak, that the hardest thing I had to deal with—because my children were and told me that if I did it again, then he would have me go stay they didn’t matter, that they had to have a man control them turned against me. AM—There’s this phrase, ‘keep sweet,’ that he made his somewhere else where I wouldn’t see my children until after I to survive and take them to heaven, and that you couldn’t get kind of mantra, pertaining to the idea of everyone living in had the baby. That was the first time that I realized my voice as to God without going through a man. You have everything AM—Let’s talk about the clothes. I know there are four to perfect harmony. But what did that phrase imply for women a wife and mother didn’t matter, and that I couldn’t protect my taken away from you—not only physically, but mentally. Call five layers of undergarments underneath the dresses, and I can in the community? children. me a feminist or whatever, but I believe the reason why men imagine that would be very uncomfortable, especially in Utah, work so hard to control women, is because women are so with the heat and everything. How did you feel about it? SA—You just couldn’t express yourself, you couldn’t speak your AM—What have been the greatest challenges you’ve faced powerful. We would rule the world if all of us knew it. And mind. So, I just trained myself to not even know how I felt about since leaving? men can’t afford for that to happen. SA—It was just the only thing I knew how to wear. But it did get things. ‘Keep sweet’ meant you couldn’t let yourself get irritated, stricter and stricter, to the point where they would choose even or upset, and you couldn’t feel angry about anything. SA—Oh there were so many. My self-worth, seeing myself as AM—What changed for you? What was the moment you the fabric that we could use and styles we could have. I mean, I the person that I am instead of the person they told me I was, was realized how strong you are? What created that power in you, wore underwear that was one piece that covered up my entire AM—I also read that people in the community are often denied really hard, and I still have to remind myself every day that I am and your decision to leave? body except for my hands and feet, all the way up to my neck. medical treatment. Is that true? beautiful, I am smart, I am powerful and that I’m a good mom. That was originally called a temple garment, but they put it into It’s just something I have to do, and if I forget, I fall right back into SA—I was actually kicked out, and told I wasn’t worthy to be a effect so that women had to wear them all the time. We also had SA—Yes, partially. You were deemed as not having enough thinking, ‘Can I really do this? What made me think I could be a

142 143 ANDREA MARY MARSHALL ANDREA MARY MARSHALL single mom with seven kids? That I could take my children out of Bareilles. When you’re in it, your mind is so buttoned up that you would never imagine being able to live to tell the tale. That’s what Artwork by ANDREA MARY MARSHALL, Production I feel passionate about: that oh my goodness, I lived to tell this Manager BONNIE OSBORN, On-Set Producer KIERSTA there, and just live in the world without being taught how?’ It’s can’t ever just let go. So, to be able to move my body and dance, HODGES, Photo Assistant HUGO GARCIA, Stylist SIMONE a constant thing, and I just have to remind myself how much I’ve that was and still is something that I am self-conscious about tale, and I share my story because of how I have been inspired by COLINA, Hair ROBERT DI CUIA – L’Atelier NYC, Makeup gone through. doing. But I feel like doing that is what is freeing. people who have gone through suffering and pushed through it. CLAIRE BAILEY at L’Atelier NYC, Stylist Assistant ELSA While we’re all different, the experiences we have, the demons HERRI, Graphic Design CHRISTIAN RICHARD RICE, Retouching WHIT LANE, Jewelry EVA FEHREN AM—Do you talk to anybody, like friends or family, that O—Did you ever imagine you could have the life that you we have, the dark paths we have—we all have our things that are still there? do now? make life hard, but if we just keep going, there’s bound to be Special thank you to TONIA TEWELL, Founder of Holding something. I never imagined I would ever see my kids again, but Out HELP Organization. 801-548-3492 holdingouthelp.org SA—Once you’re no longer part of the community, they will SA—I never imagined it at all, but I knew that there was a big, now we are just a beautiful, crazy family. —END never talk to you again, unless they also decide to leave. I hadn’t beautiful world outside. I can admit that now, but back then, I seen my mom for seven years, then we bumped into her at a was so ashamed to even say that I thought about it. But I wanted public place and she ignored me. She wouldn’t even acknowledge to—I wanted to put on lipstick, and earrings, and wear . me, and ran the other way. I wanted to be a gentile, because I felt like they were just so free and happy. Of course, we were told that it was all a lie and just AM—How has your relationship to religion and a way to convince us to leave God, and that if we did, the devil spirituality changed? would take over and we would never be happy. Some part of you knows that’s not true, yet you don’t know for sure. How could SA—It has changed immensely. It’s really hard to separate God you? And it’s scary, especially for women to go out and find out if from religion for me, and it’s really hard to separate Warren from they can survive it. God. So, we have pretty much just put that on a shelf for now. I mean, I believe there is a higher power, and I know that I am AM—What would you tell women who are thinking of spiritual, but I am not religious at all. I believe that we have in leaving the FLDS? ourselves the power to do anything. SA—I’d just say, “We got this, bitches.” I’m just joking. That’s a AM—What about your self-perception? What sort of loaded question. But if I’ve lived through the things I’ve lived clothing choices do you make for yourself now that you’re through, anyone can. It’s the fear that holds us back. free of that repression? AM—What about your daughters—what advice do you give SA—I wish I had the body I had when I was there, so I could them? show it off! I personally couldn’t start showing skin right away, but now I believe that everybody should wear whatever they feel SA—I give my daughters lots of advice, but the biggest gifts I comfortable wearing, and do whatever they feel comfortable can give to them is teaching them that they have to love and be doing. I think that’s what really matters—to be comfortable with powerful within themselves before they can lean on anyone else. yourself, to love yourself, to be who you are. It took me a long Sometimes I get afraid of offending people, but the truth is, I time to be able to look in the mirror and put on makeup—I don’t like men very much, because I haven’t seen a whole lot that would feel so guilty for being so vain. I know now that it’s not impress me. So, I don’t want my daughters to ever feel like they shameful, but it was really hard to get there. have to rely on a man. And I want them to listen to their hearts, because your own heart will never lead you astray. AM—What about your hair? When you finally cut it, two years later, how did it feel? AM—Are there any misconceptions about the FLDS community? We really only hear what the media tells us. SA—Oh my goodness, when I got my hair cut off, that was actually the most freeing. I don’t understand why or how, but that SA—I’m my own person—the FLDS does not define me— was truly when I let myself go. It was almost like that was the last and one of the hardest things for me, is to be put in a box with tie to my husband, and when I cut it off, it was, metaphorically the FLDS, because each person there is just like you, their own speaking, like when you give birth and the umbilical cord is person. And I just believe that everybody should have a chance to cut—the feeling of that snip is how I felt when I finally cut it. be themselves and not be defined by anything, let alone the FLDS. The truth is, there are some extremely strong, beautiful women AM—Now that you have access to pop culture, do you have a there—they just don’t know it yet. But when they unlock those favorite book or movie? What kind of music do you listen to? chains, out.

SA—We are a wild family. We like pop, and all different types of O—What do you want people to take away from your story? music, and we watch whatever is on television. I don’t feel any remnants of the FLDS anymore, and I don’t hold onto any of SA—There is strength within us. I claimed my power, but I the belief systems—I just do what I feel good about doing. But survived by realizing every day that I can do this. I believe that listening to music, just turning on the radio, that was so healing because of the path I walked, I was nothing. I had everything for me, just to let my mind go and turn on Taylor Swift or Sara taken away from me—physically, mentally and spiritually—and I

144 145