My name is Michael Rogers is as Kara said Cara and I we go

way back we used to work together.

And so I appreciate that introduction.

My wife is here.

Her name is Audra.

And so we've been married 16 years.

We live in Crestview Florida or just outside of Crestview

Florida. We've been involved in the Foster and adoptive world

for almost eight years now.

So going back even as far almost as far as I can remember

back as a middle school student.

I knew that adoption.

Going to be a part of my future, but I didn't I didn't really

understand what that was.

Like, it's not a culture that I grew up in when I was a kid

adoption only took place by families who couldn't have children

on their own and I had never heard of foster care.

I didn't even know what that meant.

And so, you know, it's really interesting now the kids that

we have their growing up in a very different world where

fostering and adopting is not is not abnormal, but rather

that's just that's just the the norm.

That's what they know.

No, they've got friends from literally around the world that

they hang out with on a weekly basis.

And so so that's kind of how we got to where we are.

But this isn't what we had in mind as Kara said we have 11

children three biological in a that are adopted.

That's not what we planned.

It just sort of gets out of hand.

Okay.

We assumed my wife and I assumed that we would adopt one

or two and that we would check that box and move on with

our lives.

We just thought it was something that we were supposed to

do. But you know as many of you already know this isn't the

thing that you just check off and move on with but rather

it impacts and Rex and then rebuilds your entire life for

the rest of your life.

And so that's where we found ourselves at our plate.

Like I said.

And our plan was to was to be foster parents.

But ultimately we wanted to we wanted to adopt and so the

way we approached it.

Was there any kid that couldn't go home from Foster Care

would just be at home with us and that would be the way it

worked out.

And so we actually were not foster parents for very long.

Our kids came in twos and threes and groups and they just

stayed and so so that's the way the way that it worked out

for us and we we were open to any gender any race.

Any background or anything we kind of assumed that maybe

in time our household would look a little more diverse but

instead all of our 11 kids all the eight kids that we adopted

look like they could have been born to us just a bunch of

white kids.

And so rather than being this little Beacon of diversity

and looking like the the a little snapshot either that of

the United Nations.

We just look like we can't figure this thing out.

I mean, I can't get a reality TV show out of this.

It's already been done.

So if you're a television producer we're willing to talk

we're down front.

But anyhow, that's that's the way that it worked out from

us. And so from going to the three biological kids that we

had to then five and six and so on that we kind of jumped

quickly in a short time span is so it brought about some

very unexpected changes.

You know, you take the Classes and they do their best to

help you and prepare you but bless their hearts.

It's a losing battle and I understand that we've got to give

grace to the people that teach the classes and lead us into

these things because there's just no way to know what's coming.

And so one of the things that that that I didn't see coming

was The Unwanted public attention when we would go out go

out and about in different places.

We live in a culture where two children is enough 3 means

you've got your hands full and Four plus makes you a spectacle

for people around you and so for some reason random strangers

just felt the need to comment when they would see us they

didn't know what to say, but they had to say something.

So it was almost always guaranteed to be the wrong thing

boom and so as so we've heard lots and lots of things lots

of some things that aren't really appropriate to mention

here. But we've been asked are you guys Catholic?

Are you guys Mormon, you know, because that's the Stereotype

to go for all right.

No, we're just regular old Baptist to feel like we're doing

what God wants us to do.

All right, and so I didn't know how to handle it in the early

days. I didn't really know how to respond to these people

that would say things and so just like they spoke out poorly.

I would usually respond poorly and I'm not necessarily proud

of all those moments.

There was one man in Walmart who turned around and saw me

in the line and he I laughed he said you ever heard of birth

control and I immediately fired back you ever heard of a

treadmill. Help.

I'm really not proud of that.

There were other things that were said eventually we added

a service dog to the mix which just makes you even more of

a spectacle.

And so wow the things that were said then but I'm going to

move on from that.

One lady one evening.

She she saw me in Walmart.

And I had a I had five or six kids.

I don't remember how many I had and she said, you know the

classic we've all heard it and then you've got your hands

full you sure have your hands full but she looked she said

it in such a way that was just kind of she was kind of exasperated

herself and and I didn't have my hands full.

Everything was fine.

My kids were well-behaved everything was going well.

And so I looked at her kid who is flipping out of the cart

and screaming and reaching for everything and I said, Doing

just fine, but you on the other hand and I honestly I still

feel badly about that moment.

Okay, because this woman was probably just looking for someone

to commiserate with okay and instead of encouraging her.

I basically told her that she really was as bad parenting

as she felt in that moment.

Okay.

And so and so thankfully this this this is server years.

It's a it's a Process it's a walk.

It's a growth that you have to go through and thankfully,

I'm not that man anymore.

Okay, and if you're wondering how I handle that now that

we have 11 kids.

Well, the truth is actually easier because people are either

afraid to speak to us.

They're scared.

We're going to introduce them to our cult or something or

they just assume we're a daycare our public transportation.

We drive a shuttle bus.

We've had a knocks on the doors.

Can you carry me to CVS?

No.

The the what this kind of led me to or really revealed in

me more than anything was another unpleasant side effect.

And that was just the war that began to happen in my own

heart and mind it it brought about negative feelings that

I hadn't really ever faced up to or dealt with before.

I quickly learned that the hardest part about having children

with special needs was The children with special needs but

rather it was the sin in my own heart.

They could live out the things that I felt but they could

get away with it.

Whereas I could not and so I dealt with the very same thing

that they were acting out upon in the most unpleasant and

inappropriate places.

And so and so that was that was extremely extremely difficult

and I've never struggled with with these kind of things before

feelings of frustration fear.

Mint and anger.

I was frustrated at my inability to get these children to

behave I was fearful that it would never change and that

I had ruined my life.

I was judgmental of those that didn't share my same passion

for foster care and adoption even though I was drowning.

I wanted someone else to drown with me and I was angry at

anything and everything and nothing at all.

And so that led us to a point where I started spiraling.

Okay, and and I went from this guy that seem to have things

under control.

I had three incredible biological children who honestly spoiled

us because they were so so good at Looking Back Now, I believe

because I'm a Christian.

I follow got a follow the teachings of Jesus.

I believe that the God was helping my children and prepare

them for all the garbage that they were going to have to

live through.

So not just with their Foster and adopted siblings, but also

with their own parents.

And and so but that still led to a lot of frustration and

I spiral I had a really tough time and I started to kind

of bottomed out and depression but I didn't know that not

at know what it was.

So I at my wife's urging and pleading I went to go see a

counselor my first experience with a counselor.

I thought was going to be really good.

He was a Christian also and so he asked if he could invite

our faith into the way that he Councilman, I thought that

was a great thing.

And so our first meeting seemed to go very well.

And and then he told me okay come back next week.

And so I came back the next week and I don't know what to

do. Okay.

I thought I'm paying this guy.

He's going to walk me through this and you know what?

We did we sat there and stared at each other for 45 minutes.

Like I said, I didn't know what to do.

I was afraid if I if I say something if I break eye contact

with this man, he's profiling me and it's going to end up

badly. And so I stared a hole straight through that man's

head waiting for him to say something and he wouldn't speak.

So I left out of there and told Audra I will never do that

again. Come to find out that was a bad experience and I was

justified in feeling like you just robbed me of my 80.

$5.00.

Okay.

And so anyhow, she agreed this was not a good situation.

And so I just did what I what I knew to do.

What I thought was right and that is you gotta suck it up.

You gotta pray harder.

You gotta try harder.

The problem is not with what's going on around you.

The problem is not with the world or the situation you're

in the problems in your own heart.

You're the problem Michael and so you got to figure this

thing out and so that's the way I tried to live the next,

you know.

Months and years of my life and it didn't work out very well

that way either and so finally eventually when our family

went from 6-10 kids to 10 kids.

I found myself once again bottoming out and depression, but

I didn't know what it was.

All I knew was that I was so angry at everyone and everything

and nothing at all.

And so we found a different counselor my wife went in on

it with me and this lady was about my mom's age and It just

it was a whole different experience.

Okay, and so I saw her once or twice a week for a long time

and she really helped me to learn how to process some stuff

and understand that the stuff I was going through it wasn't

just because I was a bad guy.

It wasn't just because I was a failure as a father and a

husband but really I was living in a war zone.

It was okay to call it that and I just needed the tools to

be able to work through it and so some of the things I want

to talk to you about this afternoon really applies to those

whether it's a man or a woman or whoever that feels like

you're in a war zone.

You feel like your backs up against the wall.

You feel like you've screwed everything up and like it's

your fault.

I'm hoping that some of you are in the room right now and

maybe you can learn some of the things that helped me out

as as I just walk through some of my story.

Okay.

I want you to stick with it.

All right, but I want you to serve I want you to do more

than survive.

I want you.

Thrive and that's the that's what I had to go from just surviving

which is tough to thriving which is enjoying life.

Once again, seeing the joy of your friends and your family

returned to your soul.

And so I want you to be able to see some of these things.

So some of the advice that I've got for you is this and this

is nothing new to this first point.

You've heard it probably over and over throughout this whole

conference, but it's Community you have got to have a community.

Around you've got to have your tribes a lot of which for

mine is sitting right here at this table.

You have to have people around you.

Okay, because you really you really can't do this all by

yourself? Okay, you really can't just be strong enough.

You can't just work harder.

You can't just read a different book and see everything fall

into place.

You've got to have people around you and even if they're

not doing any better than you are you're not drowning by.

I was right and the way I felt before that I wanted other

people to feel that misery with me.

All right, but I didn't understand just what strength that

would actually provide.

So the blind leading the blind the broken walking alongside

the broken it really does, you know, AB something to your

life to your walk to the things that you're going through.

So you've got to have people around you if you're involved

in a church.

I hope you've got people there if you're not and that's not

your background not what interests you.

You have associations you have other groups support groups.

You've got to find somebody some people that can that can

that can walk with you that Community is is you we cannot

state that enough.

Okay, so you've got to have the people around you.

The next thing that I would say is this it's okay to grieve

your losses.

And this was something that took me a while to figure out

once I'm My wife and I took our three Bayou kids, but before

we got into a doctor, we took him out to the beach and and

did a little photo session and and we ended up with one or

two just amazing pictures that were just you know, like we

literally blew them up this large and put them on the wall

because it was like, I want to always remember this moment

and and then we tried that years later with our new adoptive

children. We tried to recreate that photo and that Is a tragic

mistake on our part?

Okay, and so we're dealing with with a little girl who had

fetal alcohol syndrome and just a lot of other things going

on and things that we didn't understand and and and I felt

like I walked away from that experience feeling like this

child had literally ruined my picture perfect family and

that moment stands out in particular just because of the

what all was what I was Going on and we couldn't recreate

that picture.

This kid.

She didn't know how to laugh.

She didn't know how to smile.

She was scared to feel happy.

Okay, and so she ruined that that picture and and I didn't

I didn't have the words.

I didn't understand what was going on.

But but later on one side through counseling was able to

put some things together that it started to make sense.

I was grieving the death of my family.

I was grieving the death of what I use.

To know because what I used to know was gone it was over

and it wasn't coming back things would be forever more different

and I'm glad for the I'm fine with that now, but it took

some time to get through and so you need to grieve your losses.

You need to understand that that that the the loss and the

pain that you feel it's Justified.

It is real you're not just a bad person for missing the way

it used to be.

It doesn't mean that you quit what Doing and try to go back

because you can't okay.

Just just getting rid of the kids in your home.

Does it make it the way it used to be?

It's like it's like when you take a plate and you shatter

it and all the pieces are there and you try to put it back

together, but it's just not going to fit the way it used

to and we'll never fit that way anymore.

Okay, so don't try to just recreate what you used to have

but you've gotta grieve what used to be and then process

that and learn how to make life and to thrive and enjoy life.

With what you have now?

Okay, so grieve your losses.

The next thing I would say is this as I've already alluded

to counseling is so good.

It's so good.

It doesn't mean that you're crazy or maybe you are but you're

the right kind of crazy.

Okay, so so find somebody that can help you think from a

different perspective and ultimately that's what that's what

Miss. Anne was able to do with me.

Just help me to think things through and Different perspective

because you know as much as you've got it together and and

no matter what successes you've had in the past.

You still need somebody else's input and perspective to see

things a little differently, especially when things are not

going well for you.

So it's okay to find somebody if you don't want to go to

a professional counselor, then talk to your spouse talk to

your partner talk to a pastor taught to a mentor a friend

a teacher.

You need to find someone that's not It in your community,

but someone that you can truly confide in and ask for just

just for some different thoughts a different approach a different

way to go about things.

I've had bad experiences that I've had good experiences.

It may not work the first time around so be persistent to

figure out what fits well for you who you feel comfortable

with and do it.

Okay next.

I would say this give yourself Grace you're going to mess.

You're going to mess up big sometimes and those things are

going to stick with you.

But you've got to be willing to give yourself Grace.

That doesn't mean you ignore your faults and your failures,

but you learn from them and you move on.

Okay, you take the things that had not gone well and the

moments that you're not proud of and you grow through them.

Okay, and so give yourself Grace.

You've got to understand that that that yeah, you're you're

not you're not perfect and The things that are going to go

wrong, sometimes they're going to haunt you for a while.

All right, but again with my background as a Believer, there's

a passage of scripture that I just leaned on heavily heavily

that that speaks about how God's mercies are new every morning

and maybe that's why I'm a morning person.

I just love waking up because it's another chance.

I feel good.

The kids are usually fairly quiet.

All right.

Now my wife has a different perspective because she's been

up since 4 a.m.

With a kid that's like trying to tear through their wall

literally to get to armored.

But anyway, Yeah, we live in a circus.

It's exciting.

But but but but start over every day and be willing to Grant

yourself some Grace.

Okay, learn and grow through your mistakes something else

that that that I think would benefit.

All of us is to get involved in some sort of physical activity,

you know, we spend so much time learning about these kids

that come from hard places and about how their brains work

and are wired differently we learned Different ways to help

them to to rewire their brains and introduce different chemicals

and there's all these things that are firing and neurons

neurons and synapses.

Now, they all this kind of stuff that I do understand but

we work so hard to try to understand them and we see okay

physical exercise is good for them.

I've got a kid that can't focus go run.

Some laps go jump on the trampoline physical activity is

good for you and then I can get you back to where I need

you to be but we do.

Do these kind of things for ourselves?

I'm not saying we all need a the bottle the the body of a

model and and all this kind of stuff.

You don't need to go out and and dominate your age bracket

in the triathlon this weekend or anything like that.

But if it's just a walk if it's if it's you know doing some

push-ups. Maybe you need to get out there and kick the kids

off the trampoline and take over for a little while.

Whatever that looks like for you.

I promise you you would benefit from some regular physical

activity. It's one of the most Practical bits of advice that

I've got for you you can either ignore it or you can think

it over and if you think it over you might understand that

that guy's right about that one thing.

All right, so physical activity you need it.

The next thing I would say is this occupy your mind you need

you mean you need mental activity as well.

Just like you need physical activity.

You need something that challenges you and engages your brain.

Okay, because when we're having down days or down weeks or

just moments of Negativity you're not just going to be able

to stop thinking about the garbage.

It doesn't work that way.

Okay nature abhors a vacuum.

If you just try to take out something bad from your schedule

something else is going to rush into its place.

So you better be in control of what comes in if you try to

take out the negative thoughts that you're having towards

your partner towards your spouse towards your kids.

You better be ready to put something else in its place.

And so you need to be engaged in some mental activity on

a regular basis whether it again, I'm a Believer I read I

read scripture.

It's what I did.

I just enjoy that.

Maybe you need to Stanley Hudson this thing and do some crossword

puzzles. I don't know.

But thank you my try for laughing at this morning.

This is whether my tribe they got my back Stanley Hudson

the office.

No, okay.

So anyway, you need you need to read a book.

You need something.

You need something on a regular basis to engage your brain

mentally so that you've got something to work with.

How do you stop thinking about that?

Terrible kids song that plays over and over whether its Paw

Patrol or OCTA knocked above the octave bubbles Octonauts.

Yeah, Bubble Guppies all these different songs that just

never leave your head.

Okay.

Well they can do that if you put another song in it.

Okay.

So if you've got negative thoughts if you got bad things

you're thinking things that you don't like that are in your

head. You've got to have something else to put in your brain.

All right, so engage yourself mentally.

Okay occupy your mind.

All right, something else that that that has been just truly

crucial for Audrey and I for our family as you need to find

your happy place and I'm not talking about some kind of,

you know, Zen meditation thing, or maybe that's your happy

place. I don't know but for us we have we have this big old

boat and and that works perfectly for us.

It's big old boat.

We can put all of our kids on it we go out in the bay and

that is our happy place that is a place that we can go on

a regular basis.

Okay.

We're all of our kids and Audra night.

We are all happy in this place.

Okay, and and our children they range in age from 3 to 14

from intellectually gifted to intellectually disabled, but

when we are in our happy place when we were out on the Out

on that boat.

Okay, nothing nice.

Nothing expensive.

They ding it.

They Nick it doesn't matter.

It's big it's old and that's our happy place.

When we are there.

Everyone is equal.

Everyone is on a Level Playing Field.

Everyone is in a place where they can Thrive and enjoy themselves.

Okay, we when we first started fostering my son wanted to

play t-ball.

I wanted to play, you know, little league and all this stuff

and thankfully he was as bad as it as I was when I was his

age, and so we Were able to quit that but we tried it for

a couple of years with all of these kids in tow.

So there's one kid having fun and the rest are just miserable.

You may need to walk away from some little league sports.

Okay, you may need to walk away from some of the things that

seem to make sense, but there's other kids that are struggling

and suffering.

Okay find a place find a place where everyone can engage

where everyone can be can be happy and excited.

Maybe it's a trail that you walk.

Maybe it's a I don't know like your wheels are turning.

I'm Gonna Leave You with it.

Okay, so so find your family's happy place.

All right, and the next thing that I would say is this if

you're struggling if this doesn't make sense if you have

regrets and wish that you weren't doing this anymore, if

you feel like you've ruined your family and you're grieving

your losses just understand this from a guy that's been at

the lowest place has a couple of different times.

It won't always be this way.

It won't always be this way.

It won't always be this bad and that Where I used to go mentally

I would go to the worst places, you know, I would go to those

finite places.

This is broken.

It will never be fixed.

This will never get better.

I am unhappy and I can never get back to being happy.

I've messed this thing up permanently, but I hadn't done

those things and neither have you so it won't always be this

way. Yeah, it's hard right now.

It's no fun.

Your kids are screaming.

They're playing in their poop or doing all these things.

Oh you have an experience that you should I so So yeah life

gets hard and then it gets even worse and sometimes it goes

from from worse to like just dismal but it won't always be

that way.

And if you've done some of these other things such as surrounded

yourself with people who are walking through that with you,

maybe it is dismal.

But at least you can laugh at yourselves when you're in it.

Okay, and it may be inappropriate laughter.

We'll take what we can get sometimes right?

All right, but it won't always be this way.

So don't allow.

Allow yourself to go there mentally.

You don't have to have the next 10 years figured out like

I was trying to do you don't have to have the next year figured

out or even the next week.

Sometimes you just have to figure out the next five minutes.

How can I just get through the next five minutes?

What do I have to do?

Well, I have to put my pants on.

All right, I can do that.

Well, I have to brush my teeth.

Yeah, I haven't given up on that yet.

Alright the next five minutes that maybe what you have to

figure out but that's that's if that's what you got to do

then do that bites.

As bits okay, it won't always be this way.

And the last thing I'll say is this remember why you started

this? We don't rescue these kids because we're Rescuers we

rescue them because we've been rescued ourselves somewhere

along the line whether we grew up in homes with biological

parents that invested in us and love this dearly or whether

we were with grandparents foster parents adoptive parents.

Maybe we were in a group home.

Maybe you were you know, who knows where it was.

Maybe it was a coach.

Maybe it was a teacher that invested in you.

Like I said, we stand on the backs of Giants and and there

are there are people that have gone before us that have invested

in us from generation to generation.

So we do this not because we're awesome.

Okay, not because we're so great now because we want to feel

good because the the bad feelings definitely outweigh the

good we do this because it's what were called to we do this

because it's what we're passionate about their get there

was a time when after I've been doing this a while, I forgot

why I was Doing it and I kind of lost my passion for it.

It just wasn't what I was interested in anymore.

I work with teenagers and one thing that I tell them when

when they come to me and they're trying to figure out what

am I going to do in college?

What am I going to do with my life?

I always ask him.

What are you passionate about?

Sometimes they know but a lot of times they don't know they

don't even know what that really what was that mean.

I'm passionate about cheeseburgers.

I'm passionate about video games.

What does that?

No, let's go a little further than that.

And if you're struggling with trying to understand your passion,

Maybe you forgotten why you do this maybe things are just

rough. Let me give you a surprising bit of advice.

Maybe it's surprising but it's what I tell these teenagers.

If you don't know what you're passionate about.

What makes you angry?

What makes you angry?

Not like ready to flip tables and beat somebody up.

We're not talking road rage, but what stirs something inside

of you and motivates you to action.

What is it that you look at and you say that's not right

and I can't sit still and let that go on.

I've got to get involved.

I've got to put my hands to this thing.

I've got to say something.

What is it that really stirs you that makes you angry because

chances are that's tied very closely to your passion.

That may be why you got in this in the first place.

And so when those feelings of Happiness have faded away and

they will and when the excitement over it is God and when

the honeymoon is over with sometimes all you've got left

is to grit your teeth and just be angry at the Injustice

that these kids have gone through and remember it's not their

fault. It's not their fault and I'm an adult and if my life

becomes a spectacle so That I can change the life of this

one. Then at least I've done something.

I'm so honored to be in this room with you.

I'm thankful for the lives that you're living for the walk

that you're on for the things that you're doing, and I'm

praying for you and I believe in you be encouraged.

Thanks for your time.