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Like Water, Like Fire

A Starsky & Hutch bifictional zine, Like Water, Like Fire is an amateur publication produced by Kassidy, October 2005

Editors: Rae and Kassidy Artist/art director: Sonja and Kassidy

Copyrights to individual stories and artwork revert to the authors/artists after October 2006 (one year after initial release). No stories or artwork may be used without permission. A special thanks to my friends Sonja and Rae. I could never have done this zine without your tireless work and encouragement. To my friend Sonja: I will never cease to be amazed at your creativity, your drive, and your support. You are nothing less than stupendous, and you hung in there through all the changes. I’d like to thank all of the authors for their talent, their hard work, and their belief in what I tried to accomplish. If you’d like an author or artist to know how you feel about their work, you can write me at [email protected] and I’ll forward it on. I also want to thank the authors and artist who allowed me to print their works in the “Best of the Net” section. Like Water, Like Fire features new writers, writers who have been with the fandom for years, and writers in between. The stories have no ratings and no warnings, other than the following: the zine is intended for mature audiences only, eighteen and older. There is violence, there is sex, and there is death; there are gen stories and slash. Scenes, episodes, and story arcs from the series have been borrowed and maybe even pummeled. So there you have it. Hope you’ll enjoy it.

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Like Water, Like Fire

My hands in ocean water Salt stinging, old as time You, touching me— Like a long, chilled drink Or a cool shower on a hot night Sound of ripples against the rocks on a beach Or a green waterfall in deep and secret woods Reviving my weary soul. No matter how far I venture You keep me afloat Hold me up Deep as the sea Eternally Me and thee.

Light a candle The world glows warm and gold You look at me— Sunlight shimmering on the beach Crackling fire holding back cold night A lantern in the window A spotlight shining on hidden truths Warming the coldest parts of me. No matter how dark the night gets I won’t lose the path Fire and heat guiding Warmth of you is waiting Eternally Me and thee.

——by Verlaine and Kassidy

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Like Water, Like Fire

Table of Contents

Merry, Merry...... 1

The Smallest Sound ...... 5

White Rabbit ...... 21

In the Dying Light...... 43

Undercurrents...... 65

Till the Sun Breaks Down...... 77

Lacuna...... 87

The Mushroom Cloud...... 105

Blue Haze...... 199

CC’s Corner ...... 211

Best of the Net

What If ...... 215

Sweet Revenge...... 219

Broken Glass...... 227

Comes the Flood ...... 237

Art by Selena...... 251

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Merry, Merry

By Verlaine

So it’s three days after Christmas, and I’m which comes out to the same thing. Hell, I sittin’ in my office next to the service bay, didn't sell him that piece of crap, no skin off havin’ a Coke and wonderin’ if I needed to call my nose, but still, no man with self-respect in some muscle to get money out of a few should be ridin’ round in something that people who seemed to think that car repairs pathetic. As I watched him haul himself outta should be a public service, when I heard this the driver’s seat, movin’ like my grandaddy’s noise. Like one of them old-time mastodons, daddy, I changed my opinion. The man suited getting sucked down in the tar pits, sounded the car. Hutchinson always was the whitest like. white man I ever saw, but those days even the I raised up to take a look out the window, tan looked off-grey, like somebody slapped a and yep, old mastodon. Or Hutchinson's car, sloppy first coat over the primer. He’d lost near

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE to twenty-five pounds since the day Starsky cane. Even from the office, I could see just went down, and I’d swear you’da needed how much of a job it was. bifocals to see him if he turned sideways. Just bein’ honest, I never believed he’d The hair was the worst. He’d chopped it all make it. Three bullets, infection, pneumonia, off, got one a them whitewall buzz-cuts. Last more infection—and then the day Brother time I seen him, the boy looked like some Dobey called to tell me he’d had the stroke. strung-out grunt. I know why he did it. Some little blood clot somewhere in all that Happened to me when my Lianne got the mess broke loose, and pretty well everythin’ cancer. You don’t have enough time, enough Starsky gained in two months was down the energy, enough attention to waste on things drain, just that fast. That was when Hutchinson that don’t matter. You need it all to do what cut his hair. you have to do to get through the days. Takes Starsky started for the door, Hutchinson too much to wash and brush and blow-dry all one step behind and a li’l to the right. The limp that blondness, so off it comes. was still pretty bad—he had to kinda lift the I watched him circle round the front of the leg partway and then drag it, instead of really car, stretchin' a little in the sun. He walked like takin’ a step—but at least he was on his feet a man who's holdin' a real heavy basketful of and movin’. There was bets down in a lotta bad stuff that'll break if he even twitches. When he places round town that Starsky would never got to the passenger door, he opened it up and walk again. Funny how some people you think leaned in for a few seconds, then stepped back woulda been the happiest to see him check out with both hands in the air. There was a little was also the ones who took the split in his smile on his face and it knocked me out, ’cause favor. Funny, but yeah, I get it. They wouldn’t I hadn't seen the boy smile like that in seven mind puttin’ the man down themselves, but it months. Even the last time he was here, he just just didn’t sit right that some little piece of barely managed to get his lips to curve to be dried blood too small to even see would do the polite, and it took so much work I felt bad, like job. Not on somebody like Dave Starsky. I'd added another glass brick to that basket he I got up and came out the door just before was carryin’. they reached it. “Merry, merry, boys. Lookin’ That smile shoulda told me what was good, there, Starsky.” There was grey in his comin’, but I still felt my breath catch when sideburns and black circles under his eyes and Starsky got outta the car. It was mainly the way he was so thin those usta-be-skin-tight jeans he got out. So slow, so much hard work. He hung off him like an old oil rag, but still I usta bounce, strut—float like Mohammed Ali could say it truthfully, ’cause even though he when he was really workin’ it. Now, left hand looked like somethin’ run off the road by a on the top of the door, first one leg lifted out, bulldozer, he wasn’t lookin’ dead, which those and then the other, and then slowly, slowly, his days was the only standard to go by. body straightened up. A long stop, just “Thanks, Merle. Merry Christmas.” He got balanced there, and then he shuffled away from his right hand up, and I took it to shake. There the car far enough for Hutchinson to shut the wasn’t much strength in the grip, and the door. fingers felt kinda stiff and cold, but it was a They stood there, leanin' together, like two shake. I gave him a pat on the arm too, real trees hit by a storm, and all that was holdin’ careful. I wasn’t sure how good his balance them upright was each other. Hutchinson bent was, and I knew for damn sure if he even his head down, like he was listenin’, and then stumbled, Hutchinson would tear my head off nodded. He stepped back just a little and let and stuff it in the diesel barrel. The old grin Starsky stand by himself, with nothin’ but his was a little lopsided. He sounded pretty good,

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though. L’il slur, but not so bad a stranger a team. You, me, and the tomato. Couldn’t would notice it right off. leave her out for the wrecker, could we?” “Merry Christmas, Merle.” Hutchinson “You hate my car.” gave me a handshake, too. Up close, he looked “It’s your car.” Hutchinson didn’t say a hell of a lot better than last time I saw him. anythin’ else, but I could hear it loud and clear. Still tired, still thin, but more like a honkie than I couldn’t save you, but I could save a zombie, if you take my meanin’. It was something. mainly the eyes, I think. Seven months now, “But Hutch, I can’t even drive!” Starsky his eyes had been lookin’ like no matter what sounded like he was ’bout ready to cry. he saw on the outside, what he saw on the “You can’t drive yet.” Hutchinson rubbed inside was a direct live broadcast from hell. No one hand back and forth across the shaking commercials either. “Are we too early?” shoulders. “Remember what the doctor said? “Nope,” I said. “Got her all ready and You keep squeezing those rubber balls, and waitin’.” I turned back to the bay, and hit the doing the leg lifts, and getting your lazy butt button to run the door up. up to go walking with me, and we'll have you Behind me, Starsky said, “Too early for back in shape before summer.” And I could what, Hutch?” and I had to laugh, ’cause he hear what he wasn’t sayin’ loud and clear this sounded just like he always had. Thirty-five time, too. Please, God, don’t let that be a lie. goin’ on nine. Starsky pushed away, and I looked back at The door rumbled to the top and stopped. the car so I wouldn’t have to watch him wipe Everything was so quiet I could almost hear his eyes. When I turned back, Hutchinson was my heart beat and then Hutchinson said softly, handing him his cane. “Wanna inspect Merle's “Merry Christmas, Starsk.” handiwork?” She’s a beautiful car, the Torino. A bitch to One hobbly step at a time, Starsky moved drive sometimes, with alla that horsepower, but around the car. It hurt to look at him, but I Starsky always handled her like he’d been born figured if he had the balls to walk, I could have for her. Puttin’ her back together had taken me the respect to watch him do it. He’d stop every damn near as long as it took the doctors to fix step or so and look at something, or run his him. There was some pride on the line, along finger across the finish, give a little pat here with wantin’ to do the best for Starsky, and and there, until he got once all the way round. there ain’t nobody can say Merle the Earl Back at the driver’s door he stopped and bent didn’t live up to his name. I wouldn’t settle for right down, lookin’ real close. One trembling anythin’ but new parts—not one junk piece on hand moved up along the side panel and over her—and I redid the finish a half dozen times the window glass. I didn’t flinch. The door was to make sure the paint matched dead on. brand-new, not a mark on it. When Hutchinson “Hutch? What did you do?” Starsky's voice brought her in, I took one look at the bullet was shakin’ so bad I whipped round, sure he holes and blood and lost m’dinner. The first was gonna collapse. “Hutch?” thing I did was run that damn door through the Hutchinson musta thought Starsky was crusher. losin’ it too, ’cause he stepped in close and slid “Can I get in?” his arm around the skinny waist. Starsky “Starsk…” Hutchinson had been following dropped the cane, and sorta half turned ’round him around, and now he put his hand out. and grabbed on for all he was worth. I could “Just to sit for a minute, okay? I want to see him shakin’, and Hutchinson spreadin’ his feel…I need to know…” Starsky took a deep legs a little to balance the weight. “Hey, we’re breath. “I need to know if I still can.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 3 “You don’t have anything to prove,” support himself on the door, and with only the Hutchinson said fiercely. cane to balance, he couldn’t let himself down. “If I can’t hack it, we need to know.” “Starsk, are you sure?” Hutchinson's voice Starsky's grin wobbled. “Not much point was unsteady. getting my body ready if my head won’t play.” “I need to know.” Hutchinson nodded, short and jerky. I Slowly, Hutchinson reached out and took could see, now it came to it, he wasn't sure if ahold of Starsky’s forearms. Bracing himself he still could. I coulda told him that six months some, he eased down until Starsky’s ass landed ago, but there’s some stuff a man has to figure in the seat. Then he leaned his arms on the out by himself. He wouldn’a believed me, or roof, and put his head on them, and I saw his thanked me for tellin’ him that there’s things shoulders start shakin’. you gotta let go when the time comes. But There’s some things a man don't need to watch. I went back to the office and spent some then, people said that about Starsky too, and he slow time huntin’ through the desk drawers ’til proved everybody wrong. I found something I remembered puttin’ there a Starsky pulled the door open, and then just long time ago. When I came out, Starsky was stood there lookin’ inside. I'm the champ at still sittin’ in the car, but he was leanin’ out, body work, so I had the seats recovered by a restin’ his head and shoulders against buddy who specializes in interiors, and we Hutchinson’s chest. Hutchinson’s arms was pulled the steering column and replaced wrapped round him, and he bent down far everything that was even scratched. Good as enough to lay his cheek on Starsky’s hair. For new, if I say so m’self. the first time in seven months, the boy looked Starsky did that shuffle-’n’-shift he used like there might be some peace in him. for turnin’ himself around until his back was to I opened the passenger door and leaned in the inside. Then he stopped, lookin’ helpless. far enough to hang the little Christmas tree offa “Hutch?” he said softly. It took me a second to the mirror. “Merry, merry, boys,” I said again. get it. His right hand wasn’t strong enough to “And happy New Year.”

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The Smallest Sound

By Rachel Rice

The sound was so small that the first time Memorial Day weekend off, and he had plans. Starsky heard it he ignored it. He was about to He wasn’t going to answer the phone, nor go go back indoors, but he heard it again and anywhere that someone from Metro might spot stopped, listening hard. It was some kind of him. squeak, not a mouse, not mechanical or a He sat on the top step where he could see sticky hinge. It sounded distant, but maybe not. the Torino. It looked good, but it was on the Hard to tell. list. Car wash, groceries, laundry. Get it all out It was gone. He went in. of the way and still have two good days. An There were things he wanted to get done. auto show, a swap meet, and maybe some late He gathered up laundry, put away clean dishes, evening disco and a chance to get lucky. ran the vacuum, and, because he couldn’t get it Depending on how that went, he’d either spend out of his head, took his last cup of coffee back Monday in bed, or else he’d see if Hutch was outside and listened for the sound he’d heard up for some beach time, or maybe a drive up to earlier. Santa Barbara for dinner at the Big Yellow Somewhere up the canyon there were House. Unless he’d gotten lucky. In which case people on horseback. He could hear the a good book, at least two naps, a six-pack, and occasional chink of metal on stone, and later he and his little charcoal grill could meet chatting voices. Straight up overhead vultures up with some fine sirloin. And to top it all off, wheeled, beautiful and ominous. Something they didn’t have to be back at work until three dead somewhere. Well, if it was something on Tuesday. No matter what, it was going to be human, it wasn’t his trouble. He had the whole a good weekend.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 5 Sitting around drinking coffee wasn’t “Was that your mom?” He bent down onto getting any of it done. He tossed the last little one knee. “I’m sorry about that. Hope you bit over the railing, and turned toward the door. didn’t see what happened.” There it was again. They were small victims of a violent crime. It wasn’t something he’d normally give a He had no choice. He scooped them up. All second thought to, but there was a quality to three of them fit in his one hand. They began to the sound that compelled him. He didn’t know shriek. why. He set the mug down and leaned out over “All right, all right! I ain’t a bird, you the railing, his left ear turned down, eyes know. What the hell do you eat? What do you closed. There. It was there. He trotted down the want?” He stuffed some leaves in his pockets stairs, across the driveway, into the band of and stood up carefully. “Okay, you’re with me. trees. Let’s go.” It was some kind of animal, and it was in What did baby birds eat? Worms? Seeds? trouble. He’d gotten used to the idea of wild He had some vague memory of reading about critters nearby since he’d moved out of the birds that upchucked dinner for their babies. city, but that didn’t mean he wanted to get up “You’re out of luck if that’s what you close to any. This one sounded small, though. need.” And in trouble. He didn’t stop to think about They stared at him for a second, and then, what kind of trouble, or what he could do as if on cue, opened their orange mouths and about it. He just started hunting for the source. started in hollering again. He’d never bothered to walk around behind Up the stairs and indoors, and they the house before. He enjoyed looking into the shrieked the entire time. He began to feel a woods, and out over the craggy canyon, but he little panicky. He wished he were in some alley had no particular interest in exploring it. It was behind a dumpster, gun drawn, dodging nice under the trees, cooler, and sheltered. He bullets. He knew how to handle that. He didn’t had an odd sense that he was welcome there. have any idea how to handle this. He shook off the thought as much too fanciful. First, feed them. Something. Anything. No, A few feet in front of him, under a tree find something to put them in. He got out a with low limbs and a wide trunk, something white ceramic bowl that his Aunt Rose had moved. He saw a sudden flash of orange, then given him when he’d first moved out. He used another, and a third. The orange flashes it sometimes for serving guacamole. Well, now vanished, then reappeared, and then vanished it was a bird’s nest. One-handed, he put some again. What the hell was it? If it was a snake, paper towels in it, then some leaves, and then he was going to go back to his old apartment, the birds. They snuggled right up, looked at never mind if someone else had already moved him expectantly, and started in again. in. “Man, you guys are louder than a mariachi He crept closer, and bent down, seeing band.” nothing but a carpet of leaves, leaves that The refrigerator offered nothing more than peeped. There! It was a mouth, no, three mouths. Some kind of bird. Baby birds. some leftover kung pao chicken, half a bottle “Terrific.” of milk, three bottles of root beer, a six pack of What the hell was he supposed to do with Coors, and the ground sirloin and potato salad birds? He looked around carefully—for a nest, he had ready in case he had his cookout. for signs of a parent, for anyone else who “Burgers it is, then. Hope you ain’t might know what to do. All he could find was vegetarians.” Were there bird vegetarians? a small and sad pile of grey feathers, about How was he supposed to know? three feet to the right. He thought of the He broke off some small pieces of the meat vultures circling above. and warmed them in his hands.

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As soon as he held it out, three mouths “What?” whipped open. He dropped a small piece of “Baby birds. Birds. Babies. What do you meat into each. When they swallowed, and know about them?” gaped again, he felt a sudden flood in his gut of “Starsky, do I appear to you to be a person some odd sensation, something he didn’t who knows anything about baby birds? At least recognize, because he’d never felt it before. birds of the avian persuasion.” “You think I’m your mom,” he said. “Well, do you know anyone who does? Their mouths were huge, almost as big as I’ve got three baby birds here, of the avian their whole heads. They had a lot of feathers, persuasion. What do I do with them?” but there were patches of bare skin under the If Huggy didn’t know what to do, he was wings. How old were they? What kind of screwed. Wait, maybe Perkowitz would know. birds? He kept offering little bits of the food They were traumatized orphans. She could put until they stopped opening their mouths, closed them in foster care. their eyes, and fell over into each other. “Never mind, Hug. I got an idea.” He had a fleeting vision of Huggy on the other end of the line, maybe staring at the phone like it was Starsky’s own face, looking at him like he was thinking of calling Cabrillo State and telling them where to send the guys in the white coats. He hung up on a laugh. He had to hunt down his address book, but by the time he found it, the babies were awake and hollering again. “What, already?” He got out some more hamburger meat. “It’s only been fifteen minutes. You were starving, weren’t you?” He fed them all again, feeling a little more sure of himself, and cleaned up after them, and changed the paper towel under them. “Man, you guys sure can drop a load.” In the distance he heard a siren, drawing They’d put out at least as much as they’d taken closer. Not a sound he’d heard out here so far. in. Maybe someone had fallen off their horse. It “Now what?” He went to the phone and wasn’t an ambulance, though, it was a police dialed Hutch’s number. siren. A burglary? Robbery? He felt like hiding “Hutch,” he said. “I need help.” in the closet. No way was he getting sucked “Where are you?” into work. He had plans. “Home. I—” He held the phone away from The siren became deafening, it wasn’t his ear and stared at it. Hutch had hung up. going by, it was stopping out front. He glanced “Something I said?” He shrugged. at the babies, afraid they’d be scared, but they He dialed The Pits. were sacked out, sound asleep. What the hell “Hey, Huggy. I need some help.” was going on? He was not going in to work. “Where are you?” Absolutely not. “Home. Why does—” Running footsteps up his outside stairs. No “Trouble?” way. No fuckin’ way. He’d fake appendicitis. “No, I just need to know everything you Concussion. Stroke. He was not going to work know about baby birds.” this weekend.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 7 Hutch burst through the door, hair wild, “I gave them some hamburg but that can’t breathing hard, arms stretched forward. This be good for them.” He demonstrated how they was not good. This was very bad. opened wide for him, and hoped Hutch was “Hutch, what—” impressed at how good he already was at “Starsky! What is it? Poison? I called for feeding them. He looked up, grinning. an ambulance; they’re on their way. What is it, “They look okay to me,” Hutch said. buddy? Talk to me!” “What are you going to do with them?” “Jesus, Hutch. I’m not poisoned. I’m fine. “That’s why I called you. You have to take What’s wrong with you?” them until I can find foster care for them.” “You said . . .” Hutch looked around, a “Foster care?” little frantic, and put a hand on his chest. “I “Yeah, I’m going to call Perkowitz.” thought . . .” He dropped his hands and leaned “I’m not taking them. I have plans.” back against the wall. “You said you needed “What plans? You said you were just going help.” to sleep and eat and read all weekend. I have That siren definitely sounded like an plans.” ambulance. They both looked out the kitchen “Call Perkowitz, because I’m not taking window, down the canyon road. them.” He stood up. “Shit.” Hutch said. “You sure you’re Starsky moved fast and blocked the door. okay?” “You can’t leave me here alone with “You want me to make something up?” them.” “I’ll be right back.” “Get out of the way, Starsky. I’m not staying here.” Starsky watched him go out to meet the “You’re not going to just abandon me, are ambulance. He talked to the driver for a you? You wouldn’t do that, would you?” minute, and then the ambulance turned around “Watch me.” He tried to shove Starsky out and pulled away. Hutch leaned against the of the way, but Starsky took up a stance and Torino and rubbed hard at his face with both folded his arms across his chest. hands. Then he took a deep breath and looked “Some kind of partner you are,” he said, up. Starsky gave him a small wave, and he glaring into Hutch’s eyes. shook his head and started back up the stairs. “Don’t try to manipulate me, pal. I know He didn’t know why Hutch was making him all your tricks.” feel guilty. He hadn’t done anything wrong. Starsky thought fast. The babies woke up. Hutch came in, pulled “I’m scared, Hutch.” That always worked. out a chair, and sat down heavily. Always. “What the hell is that noise?” “You’re not seriously trying that one on Starsky pointed to the birds. “Check it out. me, are you? They’re baby birds. Give them I rescued them.” food and keep them warm.” He took hold of Hutch peered at them. “What are they?” one of Starsky’s arms and pulled. When he still “Birds.” didn’t budge, he got a fistful of hair in one “Starsky.” hand, and a belt in the other. A lift and a turn, “I don’t what they are. They’re birds. Do and the doorway was clear, and he was out and you know?” down the stairs before Starsky could think of “Nope.” any way to stop him. “You’re the big nature guy. Don’t you “I’ll call you later,” Starsky yelled after know anything about birds?” him. “Nope.” “I won’t answer,” Hutch hollered back.

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The birds began to wail. “Oh! Oh, man, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But He fed them again and cleaned them up. this is an emergency.” He knew now it was a Their deposits were enormous and numerous. done deal. “Tell him you’re on back-up or He dug out a heating pad from his bedroom something and you have to go in. He’ll closet, and put them on it, and then worried understand. I would.” He paused for dramatic they’d be too hot. What was too hot? Too emphasis. “I’d wait for you to come home and cold? There were too many things to worry I’d show you how much I’d missed you while about. you were off saving babies. I’d be so proud of He called Perkowitz, not really expecting you, you’d be glad you’d gone, because to find her at home, but she answered. He coming back would be so worth it—” recognized that languorous tone in her voice “Shut up, you asshole.” There was a and smiled into the phone. Odds on she wasn’t muffled sound, like she’d put her hand over the alone. phone, and some smacking noises, and then “Hi, sweetheart,” he said. “How are you?” giggling. He heard something that sounded like “Starsky? I’m a little busy. What’s up?” “thanks” and “sorry” and some more funny “Busy? It’s nine in the morning. A holiday. noises. “All right, I’m coming, but you’re You can’t be that busy.” He hoped he sounded going to owe me. Owe me huge.” cheery. “I got a favor to ask. I need your help, Starsky was pretty sure he could oblige. If darlin’.” she didn’t turn right around and leave when “Don’t ‘darlin’ me, buster. I’m off duty. she saw the babies. Call Marquette.” He fed them again and watched them sleep. “No, it’s not about work. I promise. They had spots all over them that he hadn’t C’mon, sweetie, I need you.” noticed before, and some of the feathers on “This is not going to be something I’m their chests were reddish. One of them opened going to want to do, is it?” She whispered an eye and saw him, and gaped its mouth wide, something to whoever was with her, giggled but before he could give it anything, it had and said, “stop it,” and laughed again. “Just tell fallen asleep again. They were so trusting, so me what it is so I can say no and hang up.” certain that he would take care of them. In their “I’ve got some babies that need foster care. world all they had to do was open their mouths I’m desperate, here, Perkowitz. Come on. You and food would fall in. They had nothing else gotta help me out.” to do. Her voice changed. “You said ‘not about He wished he had a bird book. All he had work.’” were novels—thrillers and science fiction. He waited. He heard her sigh. Nothing about birds. He’d have to get one, see “Babies? As in more than one? Infants?” if he could figure out what kind of birds they She was just as into her job as he and were. Unless Perkowitz knew. Hutch were. He knew he had her hooked now. He remembered some show, maybe Wild “Three. I don’t know how old they are.” Kingdom, where birds brought bugs and “Jesus Christ, Starsky, I’m off duty. Call worms to the nest and dropped them into someone else.” mouths. Maybe he should try to find some “No. I need you to handle this. It’s, it’s a bugs. He didn’t like the idea. But he got a special situation. You’re the only one I trust on paper cup and a plastic fork, told the babies this.” He lowered his voice a little. “Please, he’d be right outside, just call out if they Perks, please. I’ll make it worth your while.” needed him, and went back into the trees. “I’m uh . . .” She dropped her voice so he The fork broke as soon as he tried to stick could barely hear her. “I’m not, uh, alone.” it into the ground. He went to the Torino and

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 9 found a blackened screwdriver in the glove He didn’t dare look at her. He tugged her compartment. It made a pretty good worm over to the table and sat her down near the little digger. He dug around near the back of the ceramic nest. house, and found quite a few worms, but they “Look at them, Perks, they need you. Look, were huge. He took them back indoors, this one’s name is Amanda.” anyway. He could cut them up. “You think naming it after me is going to Where the hell was Perkowitz? She didn’t make me melt?” live that far away, closer than Hutch, even. “Yep. It’s working, right?” He got out Maybe she’d taken some time to apologize to some bits of meat. “Watch this.” He fed them her lover. What were her priorities, anyway? until they did their business and went back to He started up the stairs and saw her ancient sleep. “Cute, huh?” He changed their paper Datsun down at the bottom of the road. It towel, and they never woke up. “You can find disappeared and reappeared as it rounded the them a home, right?” curves, and finally pulled up next to the She stared at him. He grinned, and she Torino. stared at him some more. “I’m going to kill “What are you doing out here?” she said by you,” she said. way of a greeting. It sounded not much different than if she’d “I was dig—, uh, I’ve only been out for a said “nice day today,” but he felt a little few minutes.” nervous anyway. He moved around to the other “You can’t leave babies alone even for a side of the table. He felt safer there. minute.” “But you can find them a home, right? I “They were asleep.” have plans for the weekend.” She handed him some grocery bags and he As soon as he said that, he knew he looked in. Diapers, formula, glass bottles, shouldn’t have. She stood up and turned to rubber nipples. leave. Uh oh. “Wait!” He tried the same tactic he’d used She grabbed his arm and dragged him up with Hutch. He blocked the door. the stairs. Luckily, this time he was the stronger one. “How are you holding up?” she said. “Any She tried to get by him, not at all worried that idea where the parents are?” she was maybe hurting his foot, or the skin on “The parents. Well, the mother was the inside of his wrist where she twisted it. He brutally murdered, right in front of them. Father’s whereabouts unknown. I don’t really got an idea. know anything else about them.” He snaked his right arm around her waist “Poor little guys. How’d you end up with and his left hand under her chin, pushing up so them, then? I’m sure you didn’t raise your that her head tipped back. hand and volunteer.” “Dinner at La Hacienda,” he said, nose to “No. But maybe you should just see them, nose. “Breakfast in bed.” and then you’ll understand better.” He opened “When?” the door and gestured for her to go through “You say.” first. His stomach clenched up a little. This “Wine?” could be Armageddon. “And a flower.” She heard them immediately. “What the “Chocolate chip pancakes?” hell is that noise?” She looked at the kitchen “With whipped cream. If there’s any left by table. “Oh my God in heaven. You’ve got to be morning.” out of your mind. Are you kidding me?” “Deal.”

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He let her go and she stepped back. of nice. Domestic. His mind shied away from She smiled, but more to herself than at him. the concept. “I have to call Joe and tell him I’ll be tied up She handed him the receiver. “It’s Huggy. for a while.” He didn’t sound surprised that I answered.” “Didn’t know you liked it kinky.” “He wouldn’t.” He took the phone. “Don’t push your luck, buster. Give me “Starsky, you in luck, brother. I got you the your phone.” goods.” He found some scissors and cut up a few of “I knew I could count on you, Huggy.” his worms, muttering “yuck” and “gross,” and Now he looked at his watch. Huggy had found fed the babies again while she called, only half a home for the birds, and he could get on with listening to her half truths about the poor little his day. orphans. “You have to feed them worms, bugs, “So who’s this Joe guy?” he said after she berries, and soaking wet dry cat food.” There hung up. was an unmistakable grin in Huggy’s voice. “You wouldn’t want me to tell him about “You don’t have to chew it up first, though. Oh this Dave guy, would you?” and don’t give ‘em water, you could drown “I know him?” them. They get water from the wet cat food. “Let it go, Starsky.” But they gotta eat every twenty minutes. “ “Lettin’ go.” He grinned. “What? Round the clock?” He felt a little “Where’s your phone book?” saggy at the thought. He got it out for her, made her a cup of “Nope. Just sunrise to sunset.” coffee, and set it down near her. “I thought you meant you found someone “Do you know someone who can adopt to take them.” He shook his head at Perkowitz. “You didn’t ask me for that, man. You them?” He almost looked at his watch, but asked what to do with them. I got you that.” changed his mind. “Yeah. Okay, thanks.” He started to say “I have some ideas, but don’t get your goodbye. “Hey, wait. Do you want the catering hopes up too high. It’s a holiday weekend. gig?” People aren’t around.” Huggy just laughed, and hung up. Starsky He tried to be patient but it wasn’t his handed the phone back to Perkowitz. strong suit. The birds woke up, and he fed Outside he heard a rumble, and a minute or them, almost without thinking about it. When two later, footsteps coming up the stairs. they got full they just spit out whatever he Perkowitz, mid-dial, looked up, and he dropped in. He thought it was kind of cute. shrugged. A second later, Hutch came in He listened while she spoke to someone at without knocking. the local cat and dog shelter who gave her the “Hey, Perky!” He took a few quick steps number of someone who told her to call and kissed her on the cheek, and then took the someone else who suggested she talk to the phone out of her hand, hung it up, and kissed folks in the birds section at the LA Zoo who her on the mouth. told her to call the local cat and dog shelter. Starsky couldn’t believe it. “I thought placing kids was tough.” She “Hey,” he said, indignant. “Hey! Not in held out her coffee mug for a refill. front of the babies!” The phone rang under her hand and she Neither of them backed off, and in fact, answered without thinking. She made a “sorry neither of them seemed to hear him. The babies about that face” but it was too late. It didn’t woke up and started yelling. Starsky fed them, matter, though. He actually thought it was kind and watched the show, grinning and feeling his

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 11 jeans begin to tighten up. The birds were Perkowitz hung up the phone. “You’re one oblivious, unaffected. When they’d eaten their lucky mama. I found a suitable placement.” quotas and were sleeping again, Starsky tapped She batted her eyes at Starsky a little, and Hutch on the shoulder. grinned. “That’s the good news.” “Mmmm?” Hutch said. Starsky grabbed her, and kissed her hard, “Mind telling me what you’re doing here?” watching Hutch over her shoulder. Hutch, Hutch lifted his lips off Perkowitz’s, and blank-faced, flipped idly through the bird she put a hand out behind her. She found one book. of the chairs, and sat down on it, hard, her free “Might want to ask what the bad news is,” hand to her mouth. Hutch grinned after her, Hutch said. “Just a thought.” and handed Starsky a book. Starsky thought maybe Hutch was right, “I felt bad,” he said, “leaving you like that. but it would still be bad news in another few Got you a book. I think they’re robins.” minutes. Might as well put it off a bit. He He opened up the book to a page he’d closed his eyes. Perkowitz was an excellent marked, and they compared the picture of kisser. She did this thing with her front teeth juvenile robins to Starsky’s baby birds. and her tongue that just made him crazy. Perkowitz came around behind and looked “Excuse me,” Hutch said. over Starsky’s shoulder. He put a possessive “Not now,” Starsky said. arm around her shoulders and pushed her Perkowitz said nothing, and put her hands forward so she could see better. around him, and started moving them “That reddish color on their chests,” Hutch downward. She tried to get one hand into his said, “that’s robins.” He put his arm around back pocket, why, he couldn’t figure, but it Perkowitz’s waist, and pulled her toward him. was too tight a fit, and she couldn’t manage it. She looked down at the birds, and grinned, and “Uh, Starsk, you might want to take a look let herself be pulled. at this.” Starsky, amused, let her go. He’d already Shit. He pulled back, away from made his deal; he had no worries. Right now, Perkowitz’s mouth, and glared at Hutch. though, she had to keep up her end of the “What?” bargain. Hutch pointed at the birds. Little Amanda “You had someone else to call?” He had fallen out of the bowl, and Little Flapper handed her the phone. The babies woke up and was standing on the edge of it, ready for opened their mouths at Hutch. “You want to anything. Little Sleepyhead was awake, mouth feed them, Uncle Kenny?” open wide. “No, no. No thanks, no, that’s all right. I’ll “Jeeze, Hutch, why didn’t you say just watch.” something?” He let go of Perkowitz and Starsky fed them, feeling a little smug stepped around her fast. about how good he was at it already. He “I did.” removed their droppings without even making “Now what do I do?” an “icky” face, and checked to see if Hutch had He had nothing else to put them in. And noticed. Hutch had, and was making an icky they needed something besides cut up worms face of his own. Some nature boy he was. He’d and his grade A prime ground sirloin. And then probably never even changed a diaper. Come he remembered. to think of it, neither had Starsky. “Wait. What was the bad news?” He didn’t “I think they’ve grown since I found want to know. He was sure of that. them.” The biggest one suddenly stood up and Perkowitz put a comforting hand on his flapped its wings. “Hey, look at that!” shoulder. He fought an urge to push it off.

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“The wildlife rehabber can’t take them Hutch gave him a smirk, and followed her until Monday afternoon.” out. Starsky felt compelled to look out the “What? No way. No way. I have things I window, but he knew what he’d see and he have to do. What am I supposed to do now? didn’t feel in the mood to watch anymore. And She’s got to take them today.” anyway, if Hutch saw him looking, he’d just “It’s a he, and he was very adamant. Not make out with Perkowitz all that much longer. till Monday. He’s swamped with animals, and So he stayed away from the window and he won’t have time for them until Monday.” instead sat down at the table and fed the babies, She seemed to realize just how bad this news and cleaned them up, and put them back in the was. “I’m sorry, baby.” bowl, and watched them sleep. “Did the guy tell you anything else, like His brain was already adjusting to twenty- what I’m supposed to do with them all minute increments of activity. It was about his weekend? How am I going to do anything if I normal attention span anyway, so it didn’t have to feed them every twenty fuckin’ seem all that weird. He read some of the bird minutes?” book with a fourth cup of coffee, and took the “He said you’re doing fine, but stick with babies in their bowl with him to the bathroom the worms and bugs, not the hamburger. You when the coffee caught up with him. He can get some dry cat food, and soak it so it’s carried them back out to the kitchen and set dripping wet and soggy, and give them that, them down, and just before they started too. He said that’s the easiest and best thing.” peeping again, he got their worm bits ready. “Yeah, that’s what Huggy said, too.” When they started in, he fed them, cleaned Hutch put the book down, and stood up. them up, and put them down for their nap. He “I’m going to come through for you, buddy,” was an expert now. he said. “I’m going to go into town and get you Eventually he ran out of things to do that a bird cage.” took eighteen minutes, and began to wonder if “I don’t have any dry cat food.” Hutch was coming back. It was already “I’ll pick some up.” lunchtime, past lunch time, really, so he “I don’t have anything to eat.” sighed, and made up some burgers, marinated “I’ll pick up something for you, too.” them, and set them ready. He started up his “Something edible?” little charcoal grill, and set the lid just right, “Yes, something edible.” and laid out his grilling tools, and hoped he “I have a ticket to the auto show.” could get Hutch to stick around. “Take them with you.” He ran out of worms, and the meat was “Are you serious?” marinated. It couldn’t be used for bird food Perkowitz said, “The ladies will love it.” anymore. Where the hell was Hutch? If he was Huh. There was an interesting thought. going to stand him up, the least he could do “No,” he said. “That’s exploitation of was call and let him know. minors.” The coals were ready. The hell with Hutch. “You’re a good man, Starsky.” She kissed He’d have a nice lunch, and put the birds in a him. “I’ll come over on Monday and drive you box or something, and go and get their dinner up to the rehabber’s place. You can take me to himself. He put two burgers on, and ran La Hacienda after.” downstairs to find some more worms. He “What, you’re leaving? Now?” He tried to discovered that if he looked in shadier places grab her arm but she ducked away out of his where the soil wasn’t too dry, and if he picked reach. up big rocks, he could find them pretty easily.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 13 He filled his paper cup with them and went “Look at this,” Hutch said. “I got you back upstairs. All three of the babies were out tweezers. See? Rounded end, nice and safe.” of the bowl and on the table, and as soon as Starsky was surprised and pleased. Not they saw him they put their heads back and many guys would have thought of that. He opened their mouths wide. smiled at Hutch, and cuffed him on the “Hang on, kids. Gotta make you some bite shoulder by way of a thank you. He wanted to sized pieces.” Cutting up the worms didn’t try them right away, but the babies still slept. bother him at all by now. “Babies gotta eat, Next round would have to do. This would don’t they?” He fed them. “My turn now.” make feeding time easier. His burgers were perfectly done. He set “Be right back,” Hutch said. He jogged them on his plate, doctored them up the way he down the stairs to his car, and came back a liked them, added a nice big dollop of potato minute later, holding something behind his salad, and held up the first one to show the kids back. “Close your eyes.” what mommy liked to eat. “What is it?” “Not all that different from what babies “You won’t find out if you don’t close your like to eat, huh?” They watched him for a eyes.” while as he ate, but then sleep overtook them “If I close my eyes I won’t be able to see and they fell into each other again. What a life. it.” Eat and sleep. It sounded really good. “Starsky. Close your eyes.” Hutch’s car had an unmistakable sound. He closed them, and held out a hand. Starsky put the second burger down, half- Something rough and lightweight. He opened finished, and went to the window. them. It was a wicker fishing creel. “Finally!” “What’s this for? You going up to the Hutch looked up and waved, and reached lake?” Was this Hutch’s way of telling him he into the back seat. He’d been busy, apparently, was taking off on him? and loaded himself up with his purchases, “No, moron, it’s for the birds. So you can grinning up at Starsky a couple of times, and go to your show, and take them with you.” He making Starsky feel bad for doubting him. He opened the lid. “I washed it out, and it’s got went to meet him downstairs, and Hutch leaves and some pine needles in it. It’s handed him a bag full of groceries and a large perfect.” cage. “I don’t know what to say. I could kiss “Wait till you see what I brought,” Hutch you! This is perfect.” His world opened back said. “You’re gonna love it.” up, and, though he’d gotten resigned to missing He helped set up the cage first, and they out on all his plans, he felt a lot happier now. transferred the babies over, and unpacked the “I owe you, pal. This is great.” groceries. Plenty of food, enough for the whole The birds woke up and begged for some weekend, and all apparently edible. Starsky lunch, so Starsky tried out the tweezers with reached for his unfinished burger, and saw the some bits of blueberry and the soaked cat food. last of it disappear into Hutch’s mouth. “Much better,” he said. “Want to give it a “Sorry,” Hutch said. “Want me to make try?” another one?” Hutch took the tweezers and leaned over “Yeah, go for it. I’ll cut up some of this the table next to Starsky, touching shoulders, fruit for you.” There were some blueberries and dropped bits of food into their mouths until and strawberries. Good nutrition for the birds. they stopped opening them. He grinned at He washed out the ceramic bowl, and put some Starsky, and then back at the birds. of the dry cat food in it to soak. “Who’s your mama now, babies?”

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“Fun, isn’t it?” “Yep. Had to make a deal to get her over “It is.” here. Dinner, breakfast, night in between. “But now you have to do janitorial Wonder if she wants a family?” services.” He handed Hutch a clean paper “You and Perkowitz?” towel. “I should have asked you to pick up “What, you and Perkowitz?” He couldn’t more towels. I’ve gone through a ton already.” picture it for either of them, not for the long He handed Hutch a fork. “Want some of the haul. She wasn’t the monogamy type anyway. fruit?” And, well, for that matter, neither were they. “Sure, and one of those beers. After that, “She doesn’t want it. She’s told me that you’re on your own.” before. She gets her kid fix at work, and she Beer and fruit. And he disparaged Starsky’s gets to live her life the way she likes it. No diet? At least being on his own wasn’t as worries.” horrifying a thought as it had been earlier. “Smart lady.” They sat at the table and drank the beer and “Yeah.” ate the fruit, and talked about their various “So what’s wrong with that? We’ve got plans for the weekend. Starsky thought he Kiko and Pete, and they’ll grow up and have might still pull off an evening of disco after the kids. Why not just get our fixes from them, and birds went to bed for the night, but he’d forget do what we want?” He put the leftovers from about getting lucky. He’d have to get up at lunch away and wiped up the counter. Hutch sunrise, so what was the point? pushed their empty beer bottles across the “You’re going to make a great dad table, and the leftover fruit. Starsky tossed the someday,” Hutch said. “It’s all about sacrifice.” bottles, covered the fruit up with a plate, and “At least kids don’t have to be fed every put it in the fridge. twenty minutes.” He got out the tweezers and “Isn’t that what we’re doing?” did his duty. “Do they?” “Yeah, I guess so.” Hutch shook his head, like he would know. “It’s working, isn’t it?” Starsky said, “After this, kids would be a “Yeah, I guess so.” snap.” “When it stops working, we’ll reevaluate.” “Birds leave home in a few weeks. You’re “Makes sense. When’d you turn sensible?” stuck with a kid for life.” He got the rest of the plates from lunch, and “Don’t you want kids someday?” He cut up stacked them in the dishwasher. The babies some fruit and put it in a small bowl from the were up, so he started to feed them again. top shelf. “What? I’m always sensible.” Hutch took “Sure, doesn’t everyone?” the tweezers and gave them each a few pieces “I guess. I always wanted a family, kids, be of worm. a dad.” He felt a little sorry for them both. “You just keep being sensible, Butch. “Why aren’t we married, then? Why aren’t we That’s what you’re good at.” living that life? We both want that.” “Okay, Sundance, you’re on your own. I’m “We’ll have it. It’s just not time yet. The riding out.” job takes it all.” “Sure you don’t want to go to the auto “Yeah. The job. And the girls.” He glanced show tomorrow? Swap meet after.” He knew up at Hutch and grinned. Hutch would say no, but it was worth a try. He “Yeah. The girls.” Hutch leaned back in his raised an eyebrow. chair. “You taking Perky out for dinner “Maybe the swap meet. Definitely not the Monday night?” show.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 15 “I’ll call you when I’m heading over there. one, flew up to his lap, settled themselves, and Going late, better deals.” went to sleep. “What are you looking for?” Maybe he could even talk his mother into “Nothing in particular. I know it when I see coming out. She’d been complaining about it.” how long since she’d seen him. That would be Hutch nodded, and got up and took a last ideal. He thought he had enough money in his look at the babies. checking account for a plane ticket. Or he “I have to say, Starsk, you constantly could just put it on his MasterCharge. Maybe surprise me. I’d never have pegged you for he should call her before it got too late . . . anything like this.” It was crazy. He had to be realistic. He “Me neither. Kind of makes you think of never knew what might come up. What if things outside yourself.” something happened to him or Hutch, and he “Have fun, mom.” couldn’t get home? He put his head back and “Thanks, pal.” He went out with him and closed his eyes. stood at the top of the stairs. “I’ll call you He just didn’t want to let them go. What if tomorrow.” that rehabber guy didn’t care anything about Hutch waved backwards, and started them? He had a lot of other animals, what if he whistling. Starsky grinned after him, and went didn’t pay them enough attention? And they’d back inside. already lost one mother, now they were going to lose another. That didn’t seem fair. ~oOo~ Little Sleepyhead woke up and managed to get enough lift to make it to the top of Monday morning rolled around a lot faster Starsky’s head. He could feel the tiny pricking than he’d expected, and by then he was of nails in his scalp. He liked the way it felt. seriously considering keeping his babies. Even He couldn’t believe how fast they’d grown. if he had to take some vacation time. He Flying already, where just two days before figured he could call in some favors—Minnie they’d been barely feathered and asleep most owed him two, and maybe Rosie Dobey could of the time. Now they were awake most of the take them to school for a day, after some time, and he could go almost an hour between intensive training of course. And there was feedings. They were eating twice as much, Nancy. She had a pretty soft heart, and he’d though. They liked the brown cat food best. been meaning to call her anyway. Plus he’d The gray stuff was horrible and they always gotten the numbers of three different girls at spit it out. He had to remember to tell that to the auto show, and one from the swap meet. the rehabber guy. And they could eat half a They had all loved the babies. Hutch could worm easily, but not a whole one yet. They spit make up a calendar and schedule in everyone, out whole ones. And they liked strawberries and set up transportation and backup and grapes, but blueberries were much better, caregivers. and also turned their droppings an interesting He took some pictures of them, disgusted shade of purple. that he hadn’t thought of it sooner. He could Forget it. He wasn’t going to let them go. have chronicled their progress. He’d ask He wondered if Perkowitz would still let him Perkowitz to take some of him with the babies take her to La Hacienda. She’d have to wait when she got there. until the babies’ bedtime, or they could just go He fed them, and carried them out to the along in their fishing creel. He didn’t much back deck and opened their door. They hopped like the idea of leaving them for a whole around his feet for a while, and then, one by evening. He hadn’t even gone to the disco.

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They’d watched a Hitchcock movie—not The “Around three.” He looked at the babies. “I Birds, that wouldn’t have been suitable. The can’t keep them, can I?” other one with the same actress. He hadn’t paid “No, buddy.” much attention. “It was nice thinking I could.” He dozed off in the sun. “I know, pal.” Hutch took his shirt off and “Starsk.” laid himself out on a deck chair. “Yeah?” He woke up with a start, a “You gonna hang out?” protective hand over the babies still asleep on “Thought I would.” He closed his eyes. his belly. “Hutch?” “How was the auto show? Sorry I didn’t go to “I wanted to say goodbye to the kids. Sorry the swap meet. Did you get anything?” I woke you.” “The auto show was great. I picked up Starsky sat up carefully, blinking and something for cleaning the dashboard, works squinting. great. The chicks were a big hit with chicks— “They’re staying.” Perkowitz was right about that.” He scratched “What? Did the rehabber bug out on you?” an itch where one of the babies had slid down “No. They’re just staying.” his stomach. “I got you something at the “Oh come on, you can’t keep them. How swap.” He gathered up the birds and put them are you going to take care of them?” in the middle of Hutch’s chest, and watched as “Got it all worked out. I’m not giving them his skin twitched and contracted under the tiny up for adoption. That’s the end of it.” nails. Hutch shook his head and went inside, and He went inside and came out with a heavy came back with a carton of orange juice and bag, and set it down on the deck next to two glasses. He poured it out, and set one Hutch’s chair. He took the babies back and down within Starsky’s reach. settled them down. “Can you get me their food?” Starsky said. “It’s on the counter.” “Open the bag,” he said. Hutch brought it out, and fed the birds, still “What is it?” in a pile on Starsky’s lap, himself. Starsky “Open it!” drank his juice, and watched, smiling and “I don’t have to guess?” wincing when they tickled the skin on his “Just open it.” thighs. Hutch peeked in, and then looked up, Revitalized, the babies hopped about, delighted. “Binoculars! Fantastic.” He pulled picking at the hairs on Starsky’s chest and them out and opened the case. “They look making him squirm, and making Hutch smile. new.” “Can you take some pictures of us? I was “No, they’re used, but they’re really good going to ask Perks but now you’re here, can ones. I got us each a pair. Zeiss. Good optics, 8 you do it?” X magnification. Hand me one.” Hutch went in again and found the camera, They played with the focusing dials for a and took some shots, trying to get the babies to while, looking into the woods, and up the stay put, and not having much success. canyon. “I think I got a good one of Amanda on “You can practically see the fur on those your head.” birds up there,” Starsky said, and waited for “Don’t say that in front of Perkowitz.” Hutch to say “feathers.” When he didn’t, “Why not?” And then, “Oh.” He leered at Starsky gave a little mental shrug and a grin. Starsky. “You dog.” He put the camera down. “Look up over there, a hawk.” “What time is she coming over?” “How do you know it’s a hawk?”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 17 “Looked it up in your book. It’s a red-tailed Hutch had brought him, and carried them out hawk.” for the adults. After that, they played with the “This is great, Starsk. We’re bird watchers.” binoculars some more and looked through the “Of the avian persuasion.” bird book, and eventually dozed off again. “Of the what?” Sometime later Hutch said, “Starsky, we’re Starsky grinned. “It’s something Huggy being watched.” said.” “I just fed ’em. Not time yet.” “We should take them over to The Pits so “Starsky, wake up, we’re being watched.” he can meet them.” Starsky opened one eye. He liked what he “I stopped in yesterday after the swap meet. saw, so he opened the other and sat up. He gave them some strawberries.” “You two,” Perkowitz said, “make life As if they knew the word, the birds perked worth living.” She leaned against the deck up and opened their mouths. Starsky fed them railing, smiling, the sun lighting her from and settled them, and laid back in his lounge behind and giving her an otherworld look. “You’re welcome to join us,” Hutch said. chair again, feeling relaxed and sleepy. “Plenty of room here.” He patted the four He gestured toward the woods. “I never inches of available deck chair next to his left noticed all the birds around here before. hip. There’s millions of ’em.” He listed the ones “No shirts allowed, though,” Starsky said. he’d identified so far. “Listen, you can hear Perkowitz gave him a look, and he grinned them. I never noticed that before either.” back. “I didn’t think you’d last out here. Guess “Some cops you are. I walked right up the you’re going to like it after all.” stairs and neither one of you woke up.” “I’m going to miss the birds. I won’t get to “Not cops today.” see them grow up. How do girls ever give up “Well, whatever you are, it’s time to roll. their babies for adoption?” You coming with us, Hutch?” “Pretty brave thing to do.” “No, I’m just the cheering section. I’ll head “I didn’t think of it that way.” out when you guys hit the road.” “They’ll be fine, Starsk. You did a good “I’m ready,” Starsky said. “I just have to job.” feed them once more and get their stuff “Yeah.” together.” They lazed in the sun for a while, half “I’ll feed them,” Hutch said. asleep, until the birds roused them. Starsky He got their buffet ready and doled out figured he’d have a hard time getting used to their portions, and Starsky gathered their cage, no time limits again. Funny how easily he’d their cat food, the tweezers, and the last of his worms. He emptied out their traveling creel adapted to them. He’d fitted himself around and left it by the door for Hutch. their needs, and it had been easy and fun. But It was time to go. Starsky held the cage he’d known all along it was only for a little door open, and Hutch put the babies in, one by while, not a lifetime. True, he hadn’t wanted to one. give them up, still didn’t, and if it weren’t for “You did a good thing, Starsk. I’m proud the kind of job he had, he’d willingly have kept of you, buddy.” He gave him a quick hug. them, adjusted his schedule for them, watched “Have fun tonight,” he said into Starsky’s ear. them grow, and set them free when they didn’t He let him go and stepped back. “I’ll see you need him anymore. tomorrow. You picking me up?” They finished eating their worms, and he Starsky nodded, and Hutch turned to made some sandwiches from the supplies Perkowitz. “And I’ll see you Friday. Eight

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o’clock all right?” When she nodded, he kissed fly off.” He looked over the railing into the her, and then whacked Starsky on the arm and woods. “This is perfect for them here. You left, waving again over his shoulder. watch. They’ll come out of the cage, and hop Perkowitz grinned after him, but when she around a while, and then all of sudden, they’ll turned back to Starsky, she looked a lot more take off, and land in the branches right over serious. there, and then they’ll look back at you for a “You okay?” she said. minute, and then they’ll go and start their lives. It was what he liked most about her. She It’s always like that, not just birds.” was funny and lighthearted, but she knew He gave Starsky a printed list of when not to be. She knew he cared, so she did. instructions on how to help them with the “Yeah.” He handed her the cage. “Only one transition, and Starsky read it carefully. thing, though,” he said. “I’m drivin’.” “They’ll hang around for a couple of days, and you can feed them if they come to you. ~oOo~ After that, they should be on their own.” Starsky lifted the cage up and balanced it on About three weeks later, the rehabber the railing. “Should I open it?” called and said the birds were ready for release, Fred nodded, and as soon as the door and that he would bring them up to Starsky’s opened, all three of the birds hopped out. place, if he wanted. Starsky set the cage down out of the way. He Starsky was delighted. He thought about expected them to come to him, delighted to see inviting Hutch and Perkowitz, but in the end, him, but they were much more interested in the he wanted to be alone. He’d missed his little view of the trees. family, and hadn’t adjusted well to letting them He offered Fred a beer, and they sat quietly go. He was afraid he might get soapy, and no in the deck chairs, and watched, chatting about one needed to witness that. their jobs. Fred was a retired forester, and spent Waiting for them to arrive was difficult. He most of his time in the woods up near his turned puttering into a fine art, and got a bunch of little things done that he’d been putting off. ranch. His wife mostly took care of the Finally, he heard the sound of a pickup, and mammals they got, and he mostly did the birds. went out to meet them. Their kids were grown, but they were all “Thanks for bringing them, Fred,” he said. animal lovers, too. Fred listened to Starsky’s They shook hands, but Starsky looked over the digest version of what his job entailed, and guy’s shoulder, anxious for a glimpse of the how he’d never given much thought to animals babies. Fred grinned, and got the cage out from at all. the covered bed of the truck. “They changed you, didn’t they?” Fred Starsky couldn’t believe they were the said. “They have a way of doing that.” same birds. They were full grown robins now, Suddenly one of the birds flew off, a short all alike, with long sharp beaks and dark liquid looping flight into the trees and back again. eyes. The orange of the breast feathers was “This is it,” Fred said. “Watch, now. striking. All their spots were gone. He carried They’ll all take off at the same time.” them up the stairs, and held the door open for “Will they stay together?” Fred. “For a while.” “I don’t know how you do this all the The birds lifted off like three little time,” he said. “Isn’t it hard to see them go?” helicopters. They circled the deck once, and “You get used to it,” Fred said. “You won’t then went straight for the nearest branch. Just believe how it feels the first time you see them as Fred had said, they turned around and stared

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 19 back for a moment, and Starsky was sure they a while he stopped offering them things to eat, were saying, “Thanks, mom, we’ll be fine, the way the instructions told him, but they still now.” And then they were gone. hung around. It was companionable to sit out “You’re right,” Starsky said. “That’s in the sun before work and read, and have the amazing.” If he’d tried, he couldn’t have three birds hanging out, hopping around, described how he felt, but Fred seemed to singing and chatting. know. He’d been there himself. One day there were only two, and a few “You want to do it again if I get too many days after that, only one. He didn’t know to handle? You could get licensed. We can which. He knew they’d found new places to always use more rehabbers.” live, maybe already found new families. It was Starsky shook his head. “I don’t have the time for them to move on. right kind of lifestyle.” The bird hopped over and flew onto his “Maybe someday.” Fred got up to go, and arm. It cocked its head to one side, and turned Starsky walked down with him, shook hands one eye up to look at him. And then it made a again, and waved as he drove off. small sound, almost like the little peeps that He felt a little sad and empty for a moment, had first drawn him to them, alone and but he shook it off. Maybe they’d stop in for orphaned on the floor of the woods. A small visits, show him the grandkids. He went back liquid trill. upstairs. “Goodbye, baby,” he said. The bird flew Over the next few days they hung around, off, and disappeared up the canyon. and flew to him every time they saw him. After He never saw them again.

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White Rabbit

By Morgan Logan ([email protected])

Starsky crashed through the brush, tracks. His blue eyes stared up in wonder and ignoring the branches swatting at his arms and not a little fear. legs. He slowed to a trot and stopped suddenly, Starsky smiled wide. “Hello, Alice.” cocking his head. “I hear you!” he cried with glee and ~oOo~ bounded to his right, a trail of sound guiding his steps. Close, I’m getting close. The camping was Hutch’s idea, of course. A cloud ran over the sun, making the Starsky could think of about a hundred other greens deeper, making the light fade to silvery activities that would be more fun, including gray. He tripped over something and came to a wrestling Fireball Cannon in a summer frock, tumbling halt in a small glade. Awkwardly, he or spending their weekend cleaning out found his feet and brushed off the twigs and Dobey’s garage. But it was Hutch’s turn to leaves that clung to him like frightened pick, so camping it was. Bugs in his food, dirt children. in his shoes, leaves as toilet paper—except, of The sound of panting alerted him that he course, Starsky had packed his own—and a was not alone. By a jumble of rocks like a scattering of nice, juicy mosquito bites to giant’s toy blocks, he saw a dark inlet of scratch all the way home. branches. And, through a gap, a splash of Not to mention the squirrels. gold. Starsky shuddered as Hutch pulled his “I see you,” he chuckled, and the branches latest junker of a Ford into the campground shook. Starsky crept on cat feet, his sneakers parking lot. His partner was already grinning soundless in the damp dirt and grass. He and out the door by the time the car had peeked around into the shelter of cool green. finished its dying asthma attack. Starsky There Hutch crouched, his face pale slowly climbed out. beneath a coating of dirt, sweat-gleamed Hutch took a deep breath and flung his streaks running down his cheeks like tear arms out theatrically, throwing his head back.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 21 His hair caught the rays of sunlight dappling “A deal’s a deal,” Hutch said, and turned through the leaves of the tall tree beside him. away, the canteen on his pack banging against “Just smell it, Starsk,” Hutch said, tilting the open trunk with a musical ‘bong.’ him a broad smile. Starsky sighed and slung on his own “Smell what? Bear poop?” Starsky backpack before slamming the trunk closed grumbled. viciously. He followed Hutch down the trail, “Nature, babe. No exhaust fumes, no rancid focusing his eyes on the center of Hutch’s garbage, just fresh, clean air.” Hutch took backpack, wishing he had built-in lasers to fry another noisy inhale, this time through his that peanut Hutch called a heart. nose, and promptly sneezed. “Oooh, look! A squirrel!” Hutch called out. Starsky smothered a laugh. Starsky growled and plodded on. “Let’s get unpacked and hiking. I want to find a good campsite away from the usual ~oOo~ yoyos,” Hutch said, his enthusiasm undimmed. Starsky sighed and started to unload the He approached his prey cautiously, wary trunk. His heavy pack had an aluminum frame for signs of bolting. Hutch looked frozen into and about a thousand zippered compartments. place, his eyes so wide the whites showed all Once he’d finished packing his clothes and the way around. His pupils were dilated, the other essentials, he’d stuffed every remaining black almost swallowing the blue. pocket of space with packets of cookies, “Shhh, pretty, pretty,” Starsky said in a pretzels, potato chips and candy bars. He might soothing whisper as he lowered himself into a have agreed to spend the weekend in the crouch. But just as he did so Hutch jolted and middle of Nature, but that didn’t mean he had fled in a flash of green and gold. Starsky’s to starve to death in the process. hand leapt out and passed through the air Only, when he started to heft his pack, he behind the scuttling figure. He jumped to his noticed it was suspiciously light. He patted one feet and followed, but the ground beneath him of the pockets, expecting to hear the telltale seemed to move sideways. He tilted and crackle of cellophane, but the compartment collapsed into a roll, gravel digging into his was empty. Frantically, he checked the other palms as he tried to cushion his fall. He found pockets, but they were all in the same vacant, himself on his back, staring up at the dismal state. His food stash was gone. darkening sky, the clouds sweeping fast “Hutch!” he yelled, and his partner trotted overhead like a rushing river. “Curiouser and up, his own heavy pack already strapped on. curiouser,” he murmured. Above the torrent, “Where’s my food?” Starsky asked evenly. the sun winked in and out. Hutch gave him a meaningful look and “Hutch,” he croaked out, “come back. You Starsky’s mouth dropped open. gotta see this.” “You didn’t.” Hutch crossed his arms. “You have a lot of ~oOo~ nerve calling that junk ‘food,’ Starsk.” “You bastard. I’m going to kill you. I’m They hiked a full hour before Hutch finally going to kill you dead and drop your bloody felt they were far enough off the beaten track. corpse into a ravine. They’ll never convict.” He got busy setting up the tent. Starsky didn’t Hutch looked unrepentant. “You promised. offer to help. The last time he had tried he had You promised to stay in training even after you screwed up, somehow, and the damned thing re-qualified for the street. Said you felt too had collapsed in the middle of a rainstorm. good to go back to your rotten ways.” Instead, he collected rocks to make a ring “But I’m on vacation,” Starsky said, for the campfire, clearing the space inside, and hearing the whine in his voice. a two-foot circle without, so there would be no

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danger of the fire spreading. He made a couple It made him look younger than the world- of careful trips to the edge of the woods to weary facade he’d been wearing for the past gather enough branches for the cooking fire. couple of years. Starsky liked the new look. A And he hoped they would be making it soon. lot. Lately he’d found himself noticing other He was getting hungry. things, too—like the cut of Hutch’s broad Once base camp was set up, Hutch grabbed shoulders, or the way his chest sloped so his fishing rod and led Starsky to the river that intriguingly into his waist. He even liked the snaked along the trail. way Hutch’s ribs stood out a little more than “We’ll be lucky if we get a nibble,” Hutch average, as if they couldn’t quite contain the confessed. “This is pretty much the last powerful runner’s lungs beneath. fishable river within a hundred miles. All the And lately, as recently as last week, others are polluted.” Starsky had found himself staring longingly at “Polluted?” Starsky repeated, concerned. Hutch’s ass, watching the way his cheeks “You sure this one isn’t, too?” Just what I flexed when he walked. It was, Starsky had to need—poisoned fish. admit, a worthy phenomenon to observe. Hutch laughed, “It’s fine, I promise. I checked it with Fish and Game before we left.” He figured it was envy. Starsky was proud “If you say so,” Starsky said, resolving to of how far he had come since his encounter make sure he gave the fish a miss, assuming with Gunther’s assassins, and he’d worked Hutch managed to catch any. hard to restore his body to its former healthy But he did. Hutch stood midstream on shape. Every day he felt stronger and more some boulders and hauled in two fish within flexible. He thought he didn’t look half bad for minutes of each other, yelling with excitement. an aging cop with enough bullet holes in his He was laughing when he cast a look back at hide to ruin his chances at ever making a good Starsky across the river where he sat watching. lampshade. But he sometimes felt overwhelmed Hutch looked so goddamn happy, his and a little intimidated by Hutch’s smooth, cheeks flushed and his eyes sparkling with tanned perfection. Starsky was all too aware of delight, that Starsky found his grumpy mood the marred landscape of his own flesh, the lifting at the sight. He has no idea how good he surgical scars and entry- and exit-wounds that looks, Starsky thought, admiring his friend. formed ridges and shiny craters on his chest Hutch had traded his moustache for a couple of and back. day’s facial growth that he kept trimming back. Maybe Hutch knew that, somehow. Hutch didn’t undress around him much anymore, perhaps unknowingly making allowances for his partner’s self-consciousness. Hutch probably wasn’t even aware of making the change. So often they compensated for each other like that, without thinking. But Starsky missed being able to see his partner in his golden glory. And he missed the casual freedom they used to have around one another. Hutch splashed up to the bank, interrupting Starsky’s musings. In his hand he held up a fishing line with two listless-looking fish. “Lunch!” said Hutch. Lunch? said Starsky’s stomach, dubiously.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 23 “Rainbow trout, Starsk. And I have just the smell was replaced by a downright burning thing to put on them. A trick my grandpa stench. Starsky smiled, and then smiled a little taught me.” wider still. He backed away from the fire and Starsky grunted. went into the bushes behind the tent. “Don’t grunt,” said Hutch. “That’s not at Before long he heard Hutch whistling as he all a proper way of expressing yourself.” He returned. The song cut off mid-note, to be said it primly, but with a smile on his face. followed by an ominous silence. Then, Starsky found himself returning it “STARSKY!” involuntarily. Starsky unbuckled his belt, undid his jeans, “Something my mom used to say to me,” waited a beat, and then stepped out from Hutch explained sheepishly. “Hand me my behind the bush. knife so I can gut these fish.” Starsky gave it to “What’s up?” him and Hutch prepared the fish deftly, rinsing “What’s UP?” Hutch sputtered at him, “My the filets and his hands in the river afterwards. fish…they’re…you were supposed to be Back at the camp, Hutch hummed to watching them. They’re completely ruined!” himself while he started the fire and set the fish He hastily yanked the pan off the fire. to cooking. It was all very strange to Starsky “Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go,” that a guy who grew up in a stuffy, uptight Starsky said, looking down to refasten his family should be so into getting dirty and pants. “I’m sorry, Hutch, really.” He tried hard camping out in the wild. to put sincerity into it. Of course, Hutch had a lot of little Fortunately, Hutch was too busy poking contradictions like that. The way he kept his through the remains of his charcoaled lunch to house as neat as a pin, while his car was a carefully examine Starsky’s expression. Hutch disaster area. Or how reserved and restrained made a little moan of sadness and then rose he was about laughing and letting loose with heavily to his feet. He went and grabbed his good feelings, but could jump into a rage and fishing pole. blow a gasket like nobody’s business about “What’re you doing?” Starsky said, something trivial and stupid. dreading the answer. Hutch went digging through his pack, and “What does it look like I’m doing? I have he held up with a jar labeled ‘ORANGE to go catch a couple more.” Hutch trudged off MARMALADE.’ “Ta-da!” he said. “Goes with his shoulders slumped. great on trout.” Starsky’s guilt lasted about a minute and a Starsky’s stomach gave another lurch of half. That was how long it took for him to protest. He was starting to get seriously remember just who had emptied his backpack worried about this lunch. of all his carefully stashed treats. He started “Crap.” Hutch looked around the fire, “I whistling to himself as he went into the tent left my fly set down at the river. Keep an eye and rifled through Hutch’s pack to see what on the fish, would you? They’re almost done.” else was edible. But it was all healthy junk: Hutch went jogging off. fruit, wheat bread, a couple of zucchini, some Starsky looked down at the fish. He leaned canned creamed corn, and something Hutch lower over the pan. The scent that sizzled up to called ‘gorp.’ Nuts and raisins and stuff. him was distinctly unappealing. He looked Starsky looked up from his hunt, his nose back the way Hutch had gone, and then looked alerted by some kind of heavenly smell. The back down at the fish. After a little while, the burned fish stink had been replaced with fish started to smell even worse. Kinda singed- something wonderful. He rose to his feet and smelling, truth be told. And then the singed followed it, hearing some voices and the sound

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of a guitar coming from further down the trail. “French onion and mushroom,” Harmony Oh please let them have enough to spare. said. “I make the best. It’ll blow your mind.” About fifty yards away he came upon a “Sounds great,” Starsky said, and it did. small camp. A girl who looked about twenty “I’ll run and get something to hold it. Be right was sitting by the fire, tending the pot of back.” something wonderful. She had long, blondish- Starsky hurried back to their camp and dug brown hair, and was wearing layers of skirts out a battered aluminum pot from the cook set. and blouses. The young man beside her was There was no sign of Hutch. Apparently he dressed similarly, his hair almost as long. was having trouble catching more fish. Starsky Hippies, thought Starsky. The guy looked a practically ran back to the hippies’ camp, his little familiar to him, but then all hippies stomach making angry noises all the way. tended to look alike to him. When he returned, the man and woman were “Hi,” he said cautiously, not wanting to still in the same position. He could imagine startle them. He shouldn’t have worried. They them sitting just like that for hours, lost in their both looked up with that floaty, detached gaze pot-induced dream world. It was creepy. But that spoke of heavy weed smoking. But he the soup still smelled great. The girl ladled out wasn’t being a cop today, Starsky reminded a healthy portion and Starsky thanked her. himself. “Blessings on you,” she said as he walked Besides, they had food. off holding the pot by the handle, careful not to “Hiya, brother,” said the woman. The man spill any. Back at the camp, he found a very grumpy looked back down at his guitar, not responding. Hutch staring at the fire. He had taken out the Woman, you ain’t my sister, Starsky loaf of wheat bread and was munching on a thought. Some of his disapproval must have piece. “Where did you go?” Hutch asked, and shown on his face, for she gave him a chiding then his eyes dropped to the pot of steaming look. soup. “Where the heck did that come from?” “Don’t be up-tight, brother. What’s your “I think I had better hunting luck than you name?” did, Blintz. Found a couple down the way with “I’m Dave.” a big pot of soup. Lunch is on!” “Hi, Dave. I’m Harmony,” she said Hutch growled a little in reply, but didn’t dreamily. hesitate in grabbing a bowl to get his share. Of course you are. “Look, I hate to be a After a sip, he raised his eyebrows. mooch, but do you think you can spare some of “Hot!” Hutch waved his hand at his mouth that?” Starsky gestured toward the big pot “Mmm.” Starsky agreed happily. “Nice and simmering over the fire. “See, I burned the fish peppery.” my partner was cooking—” “You know, Starsk, sometimes I wonder if “Partner?” the man asked, looking up. it’s all the spice you eat that makes you so hot- “Yeah, my pal, Hutch. I’m afraid I ruined tempered.” our lunch.” Starsky groaned. The man looked thoughtful, and exchanged They ate the soup with the bread, both a glance with the girl. He nodded at her giving little smacking sounds of approval. questioning look. “Sure, why not?” he said. There was enough for two cups each. After Something in his voice made Starsky feel they finished, they stretched out by the fire, uneasy. leaning against a couple of boulders. “It looks like some kinda soup,” Starsky “What about dinner?” Starsky asked. said, hesitantly. Hutch shot him a disbelieving look.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 25 “Not now, dummy. I mean are you “What would you have done if I hadn’t expecting to hunt us an elk or something?” made it?” “I’ve got a couple of cans of chili in my Hutch’s face contorted, his eyes squeezing pack,” Hutch said. shut. “Don’t ask me that. Don’t ask me to think Starsky wondered how he had missed those about that,” he said, his voice rough and during his search. But he was feeling too good anxious. to worry about it much. His belly was at last “I wanna know, Hutch. I need to know you full, and his limbs felt all warm and loose. He would’ve…been okay.” looked across the fire at Hutch, who seemed Hutch’s face slowly smoothed again, and it similarly contented, a small smile on his face. was a long time before he responded. He He must’ve felt Starsky’s gaze on him, for he sounded calm when he said, “I wouldn’t have. turned his head and met his eyes. Nothing would ever have been ‘okay’ again.” Hutch. Starsky felt a sudden flood of He rolled over and climbed to his feet, starting affection for his blond counterpart. They had to tidy up his dirty bowls and utensils. fallen down a deep, dark hole this past year, He cleans when he’s upset. It was a but eventually had clawed their way out of it, startling thing to gain a new insight into bloody yet unbowed. Hutch had been well on someone he knew so well. Maybe he had his way to burnout, but Starsky had managed already known it. He watched in silence as to look beyond the bitter actions to find his Hutch dirt-scrubbed his dishes and then used friend again and pull him to his side. some of their bottled water to rinse them. I do that for him. Just like he does for me. “Gimme those,” Hutch said, indicating Just like Hutch had eased the worst of Starsky’s bowl and spoon. Starsky’s pain and frustration during his Starsky held them up, but didn’t rise to rehabilitation, always trying to keep him in hand them over. Hutch gave a snort of disgust good spirits with his stupid jokes or his and then walked over to retrieve the items. determined optimism. Or sometimes just by When he reached down to take them, Starsky being an emotional punching bag for Starsky’s grabbed his forearm and tugged Hutch down outbursts as he lay in his hospital bed railing until he was kneeling beside him. against what the world, and Gunther, had done Hutch looked the question, his forehead to him. And he remembered how Hutch had so creasing with confusion. carefully hunted down the man himself, and Starsky rose into a squat to face him, still locked him away. For what he had done to his clutching his arm. “Hutch, what we do, we do partner. it because it’s right, it’s needed. But sometimes Sometimes Starsky wondered what Hutch it costs us.” would have done if he had died. He realized with a start that he was still Hutch nodded, still looking confused. staring into Hutch’s eyes. The heat of the fire “But it gives us something, too. It gave me caused Hutch to waver a little in his vision. you. What I have with you.” Starsky blinked and, as if suddenly released, The confusion turned to surprise, and Hutch looked away. something else that Starsky couldn’t identify. “Hutch,” Starsky started. His voice Hutch turned his head, evading Starsky’s gaze. sounded strange, as if the pepper from the soup “I thought you hated soapy scenes,” he had done something to his voice. He tried said. again, “Hutch.” “I do. I always have, I guess because they Hutch looked back over at him. His eyes never seemed…” Real. Starsky trailed off, not seemed oddly dark. wanting to reveal so much. But Hutch’s eyes

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were back on him, and they held deep But Starsky was still laughing, the echoes understanding. of Hutch’s outrage ringing in his head. ‘Don’t “But it’s different now,” Starsky continued. ever take soup from hippies.’ I bet that’s “We’re different now. I can tell you this much: another thing his mom drilled into him. if you hadn’t survived the plague, I never Hutch shook him a little and Starsky’s would’ve been okay again, either.” laughter finally stopped. But now he was Hutch closed his eyes and held them conscious of Hutch’s warm body, so close, and closed, taking a short breath and heaving it out what had just almost happened between them, as if in pain. When he opened them again, they something that he hadn’t known he’d been were too bright, and too dark. Starsky saw it, waiting an eternity for. And he was damned if then, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. This is he was going to let this opportunity go by. what he’d been feeling. This is what he’d Before Hutch could react, Starsky reached up known, but hadn’t been quite willing to admit, to hold his head, and then he leaned in quickly even to himself. and pressed his mouth against Hutch’s. It was all there in Hutch’s eyes. And it was good. Boy, it was good, the Slowly, so slowly, Starsky started to lean sweet lips moving under his just for a moment, forward, tilting his head, his breath stopping in before Hutch yanked himself away. his throat— “No, dammit. You’re not yourself. This is And Hutch fell back, stumbling away on nuts.” Hutch’s voice was starting to slur, and his knees before rising to his feet. he looked like he might fall over. He swayed “What’s happening? What’s happening?” on his feet, and Starsky reached out to support Hutch muttered, starting to pace next to the him, but Hutch pulled away again, moving fire. around to face him over the fire. Starsky stood and put his hands out. He “What kind of soup was it? What did they was having trouble keeping his balance for give us?” some reason. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Hutch.” Starsky had to stop and think for a second, “No…there’s something. My head is…I trying to recall what the girl had said. “She swear I feel so strange. This isn’t…” Hutch said onion. French onion and…mushroom.” stopped and looked at Starsky in alarm. “I feel Oh crap. Magic mushrooms. too good, Starsky. It feels like I’ve But Hutch looked relieved. “Not so bad. I was afraid it was acid. I think mushrooms been…drugged.” aren’t as heavy a trip.” But there was an Drugged? Impossible. But Starsky felt uncertain tone to his voice. “At least it’s not an good, too, that kind of relaxed good like you opiate.” His eyes reflected an ancient horror. get from painkillers. All the little hurts that had “How long?” Starsky still wasn’t scared, dogged him since Gunther were absent. He just except in a remote sort of way. Hutch seemed felt…good. more in control than he was. Starsky was “Oh, shit. The soup.” Starsky looked at starting to have trouble seeing around the Hutch helplessly. “Goddamn hippies—” glittery bits of rainbows that were shards of “Hippies? You took soup from hippies?” sunlight glancing off of surfaces. Like Hutch’s Hutch sounded outraged, but something about hair. Hutch’s hair had a halo of colors the question tickled Starsky’s funny bone, and surrounding it. he started laughing. “Beyoo-ti-ful,” Starsky murmured. “Starsk, no.” Hutch came over to him and “Starsky. We just have to hang on. Four or grabbed his arms. “Don’t lose it. We need to five hours, tops.” But Hutch’s voice was far do something. We’re on something.” away and unemphatic. He sat down on a log

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 27 across from the fire and put his head in his guy looked familiar. Maybe he had made hands. Starsky as a cop. Maybe that was why…. Starsky approached him as if in a dream. Going on pure instinct now, Starsky sped He knew the moment Hutch became aware of back down the trail to their camp. He had a him by the stiffening of his body, but Starsky feeling his quarry had headed for his burrow. didn’t let it deter him. He sat next to his friend When he came upon the tent, he heard a low and put an arm around him. moaning coming from inside that made him “What’re you afraid of? S’only me. You sure of it. He ducked his head and went in. know that, don’t you?” Starsky was starting to Hutch had curled himself into a ball and have trouble forming words. He ran his hand had pulled both sleeping bags over himself. Only the top of his blond head was exposed. up Hutch’s spine to bury his fingers in the Starsky hunkered down and placed a hand blond strands at the back of Hutch’s head. where Hutch’s shoulder had to be, feeling the Hutch dropped his hands and gave a moan start of surprise, and then the sudden laxness, of dismay. “This isn’t…you don’t know what as if he had suddenly gone limp. Starsky gently you’re doing, Starsk. I can’t—” pulled down the edge of the sleeping bag and “Can’t, schmant,” Starsky said, and leaned looked into Hutch’s eyes in the dim light. over to nuzzle Hutch’s neck. Hutch shivered “Hutch.” under the wet caress. Starsky kept at it until he His partner blinked at him, his mouth felt heat beneath his lips and a trembling under working, but no words escaping. His hair was his hands. He crept stealthily along Hutch’s damp with sweat and threaded through with an jaw line on a direct course to his lips. He felt occasional twig. Gently, Starsky reached up to Hutch shudder. tug them out before combing Hutch’s hair with And then with a groan, Hutch tore himself his fingers. away and bolted. “Just wanna love you, baby. Let me?” Starsky pleaded, his fingers moving down ~oOo~ Hutch’s cheek to stroke his lips. Then he felt the full lips move, and Hutch’s tongue came out to lick delicately at his fingertips. It was one of the few times Starsky was “Oh, babe.” Starsky leaned over and Hutch grateful for his army training. Tracking Hutch reached up to grab his shoulders, pulling him wasn’t too hard in the soft dirt. He did lose the down for a kiss. His lips were hard and urgent trail a couple of times, but managed to against Starsky’s, his tongue eager and frantic. backtrack to pick it up again. He kept getting Starsky reached up to knit his fingers into distracted by the sounds of the leaves brushing Hutch’s hair, holding him desperately close. his shirt and the sway and creak of the trees, They kissed and kissed; time seemed irrelevant which was almost like music. He felt if he as they worked their lips together until they smiled much more, the ends of his mouth were raw. It was like a hunger that could never might meet behind his head. In fact, he had be satisfied, but Starsky was game to keep been grinning so wide and so long that the trying. muscles in his cheeks were fatigued and After a while, unable to bear the pressure in trembling. his groin any longer, he got to his knees and His surroundings were starting to look started struggling out of his clothes, watching familiar. When he broke through the last hedge avidly as Hutch pushed aside the sleeping bags of bushes, he found himself back on the trail a to do the same. mere twenty feet from the hippies’ campsite. When he was naked, Starsky dropped down But they were long gone. He’d thought that onto his partner, matching hot skin against

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skin. Hutch moaned; there was a despairing to lay a hand on Hutch’s cheek. The soft tone to it that made Starsky wonder, but not for whiskers there were a sensual tease under his long. The feel of Hutch’s hard cock against his palm, and he brushed them lightly as he smiled was driving all other thoughts out of his mind. into Hutch’s face. He couldn’t believe how good it felt, touching “Just me, baby blue. It’s only me.” a man like this. Touching Hutch like this. “No ‘only’ about it,” came the husky reply. Starsky leaned down and snaked his tongue Starsky had to kiss him for that. But the along Hutch’s neck, delighting in the kiss quickly built to the same hot fierceness as immediate, convulsive response from his before, and finally, his balls throbbing, Starsky partner, who wrapped his legs around him to had to pull away. He lifted Hutch’s knees and pull him even closer. Starsky moved his hips, pushed them toward his chest and Hutch sliding his cock along Hutch’s. Hutch moaned grabbed them, holding himself open. again, this time the sound pure pleasure, and Starsky had wanted to take his time, love Starsky grunted as he thrust. Hutch slow and long, drag his mouth all over But it wasn’t enough. He wanted all of the smooth, soft skin and prepare him gently Hutch. He wanted to crawl inside the golden for the taking. But there was a trembling skin of him and live there forever. “Need to get urgency in his groin and thighs and a muzzy closer. Closer,” he muttered. cloud of lust fogging his brain and when it He felt Hutch go still, and Starsky raised came to it, he just slicked his fingers and slid his mouth to look into his face. them quickly inside Hutch’s tight opening, Hutch stared at him so long he started to hearing Hutch gasp and groan as he moved wonder what Hutch was seeing. At last, Hutch them out and then in, spreading the oil as far as closed his eyes and spread his legs wide so that he could into Hutch’s ass. He felt Hutch jolt Starsky fell between them, his aching cock suddenly and give a shudder when his fingers knocking up underneath his balls. Starsky gave went deep. He added more lotion and went into a slight motion with his hips and moaned when him with three fingers, the tight muscle he felt the crown slip against the smooth skin clenching in protest. there. “Easy now, babe,” Starsky muttered, and “Something. We need something,” Starsky grasped Hutch’s cock with his other, oily hand, said, and reluctantly he pulled away from the stroking its length. warm body beneath him to dig frantically “Oh. My God.” Hutch groaned. through Hutch’s pack. “Like that, sweetheart?” Twilight had fallen, and he was working in Hutch’s reply was nonverbal, and Starsky the dusky light filtering green through the felt him relax around his fingers at last. Starsky walls of the tent, searching with shaking hands thrust in and out a few more times and then through the pocket where Hutch had put his pulled out his fingers and smoothed his cock shaving stuff and other toiletries. He found and until it was dripping oil. He moved into discarded a tube of toothpaste and a bar of position, feeling lightheaded with anticipation, soap, settling finally on a bottle of what looked and put Hutch’s long legs over his shoulders. like suntan oil. He opened it and smelled Then he looked down. coconut. Starsky gave a satisfied sound and It was so dark now he could barely see turned. Hutch’s expression, but he could still see the In the faint light, he read the expression on gleam of his eyes, beckoning him. Starsky took Hutch’s face, eager, yet also resigned and hold of his cock and slid the head up to somewhat apprehensive. Starsky went back to Hutch’s anus. He kept it there, his heart beating stretch out beside him, putting aside the lotion hard at the feeling of that opening waiting to

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 29 embrace him. And then, staring into glimmer spent, he eased himself down onto Hutch, of Hutch’s eyes, he thrust hard. feeling the sticky dampness of come binding Hutch’s mouth opened in a soundless gasp, them together. Hutch’s legs dropped down and and Starsky felt his heart pound with the he gave a sigh, which caught in surprise when pleasure of feeling that heat surrounding him, Starsky’s limp cock slipped from his ass. enfolding him. He pushed again, harder, “Hutch,” Starsky whispered again, and he deeper, and this time Hutch cried out. planted a kiss in the center of the broad chest. “Starsk! Oh God.” He could sense the still-rapid pounding of “Stay with it, babe.” Starsky begged and Hutch’s heart throbbing against his lips. pumped his hips out and in, carefully jacking Starsky felt a sudden burst of emotion, so deeper into the tight tunnel of flesh. When he powerful it rolled over him like earthquake, was halfway inside, he stopped and let loose and he snaked his arms under Hutch, hugging the breath in his lungs, trying to hold onto his him tight. control until Hutch could relax. It was difficult. Abruptly, exhaustion overtook Starsky. As He felt every flutter and clench of that strong he slipped into sleep, the last thing he was muscle tingle along his nerves and straight into aware of was Hutch pulling the sleeping bag his pleasure center, urging him to pound in up and over him, covering him like a blanket. hard. Starsky tumbled down into the dark. Suddenly, Hutch’s thighs relaxed, and Starsky felt himself slide deeper, the crown of ~oOo~ his cock bumping over Hutch’s prostate. “Ahhhhh.” Hutch groaned, jerking his hips, There was something wrong. Starsky and Starsky pulled back a little to ride the same awoke cold and tired and nude, with a sweet spot inside his partner, hearing his soft headache battering at his skull, and a stomach panting moan. Starsky moved in and out, in cramp digging into his gut like knives. He and out, and soon Hutch’s cries began to lurched upright and almost knocked over the increase in volume. Starsky paused to adjust tent before remembering where he was. He Hutch’s legs so they were hooked onto his staggered outside and into the bushes where, arms and then, bracing his hands against the with a groan, he unloaded his painful bowels. ground, he bent low over Hutch, shifting into a Of course, he’d left his toilet paper in the long, hard stroke that took him deep inside. “Starsk. Starsk,” Hutch chanted roughly, tent. and lifted his head and grabbed the back of Cleaning up was a disgusting chore. Starsky’s, pulling their mouths together. Starsky went back for his toilet paper and did a Starsky could feel Hutch’s slick, rigid cock better job of it. The whole messy affair had trapped between their bellies. Starsky thrust his been enough to drive the previous day’s events tongue past Hutch’s lips as he continued from his mind for the moment, but after he had pumping his hips. And then Hutch moaned into washed up and dressed, it all came back to him his mouth as he came, his cock jerking with a shock. between them, his ass gripping Starsky’s cock Hutch. Oh, God. Shame burned through like a loving fist. him. In the sane light of day, what had seemed The sensation sent Starsky over the edge, quite natural and inevitable under the influence his every nerve screaming with pleasure from of the drug was suddenly revealed as a selfish, his scalp to his balls, which tightened as they aggressive act. He had literally hunted Hutch shot their load deep into his partner’s body. down and forced himself on his partner. “Hutch, oh Hutch,” he moaned against his lips But he liked it, a tiny voice argued, only to as wave after wave struck him. Finally, utterly be drowned out by his growing guilt. And a

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sadness, too. For if they had been building with his mouth hanging open and his stomach toward this, he would have wanted it to be doing a dance of disappointment and dismay. different. Something more…tender, somehow. Right, Blondie. Like that’ll work. With a Not the mindless, heated fuck they’d engaged sigh, Starsky rose as well, brushing at the sand in. He knew Hutch had gotten pleasure out of it clinging to his seat. He trudged back, a sour too, but at what cost? tang of regret in his mouth, the heaviness of his “Hutch?” he called out, wondering if his heart reflected in his slow steps. partner wasn’t suffering the same intestinal aftereffects of the drug. Starsky beat the bushes ~oOo~ around the camp, but didn’t find his partner. Finally he headed down to the river. At work that next week, whether they were Hutch was there. Sitting on the bank, his sitting at their desks or cruising their beat, back turned toward Starsky, his shoulders silence hung like a thick curtain between them. slumped. A twig cracked under Starsky’s foot But Starsky thought the cause wasn’t just what and Hutch stiffened, but didn’t turn to face had gone down in that small tent, the groping him. Starsky approached cautiously. and grinding and the animal heat. Something “Hey, buddy,” he said, seating himself in had happened earlier, by the campfire. The the sandy dirt next to his partner. Hutch didn’t whole day was a blur, now, a tattered rag of reply with their usual, ‘Hey, yourself,’ but he memories wrung of sense. But there had been flicked Starsky a glance. His blue eyes were something powerful in that moment when they were relaxing by the fire, and Starsky had bloodshot, the lids swollen. looked at Hutch, and Hutch had said “You…okay?” Starsky asked. Stupid something. Or almost said something, and question. Starsky had heard it. And then Hutch had run Hutch didn’t respond for a long moment, away, and it was lost. and Starsky closely observed his profile, trying The radio squawked. Hutch responded and to get a clue to what he was feeling. Hutch Starsky spun the wheel of the Torino in a tight didn’t look angry. He looked desolate, lost, as U-turn. Hutch hung up the mike without if something had been taken from him. Starsky comment, and out of the corner of his eye, was afraid he knew what that was. And he had Starsky saw him checking his gun. done the taking. Not your usual 211. For starters, the guy He hunted for words of apology, and they was wearing a clown suit, complete with big, came out stilted, gruff. “Hutch…I just want floppy red shoes and a giant ruffled collar. But you to know I-I would never...if it weren’t for there was a black pistol in his hand, no the drug…” I would never have hunted you. laughing matter. The partners looked at each Forced you. other and then back through the large window Hutch made a gesture, a strange chop of the of the liquor store before they ducked down hand. Now he was starting to look angry. and around the corner. “Don’t. Don’t say anything. It never “I’ll take the back?” Starsky jerked his happened,” he said, his voice deep and head. uncompromising. “Go,” Hutch responded. “Hutch, get serious. We can’t just Even as he scuttled away, Starsky felt a pretend—” shiver of portentous dread. Too much lay “We can. It never happened,” Hutch between them unspoken and unresolved. What hissed, and he pushed to his feet quickly and had seemed like all the time in the world had walked away toward the camp, leaving Starsky been shaved down to one single second, the

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 31 arch of Hutch’s pale eyebrow, and that one last stand of chips to find Hutch cuffing the clown, word: Go. who was sobbing. Tears glistened down his Starsky sped around to the back of the greasepaint-covered cheeks. He stood shop, careful to keep low as he passed the side passively as Hutch read him his rights, window. A black and white rolled up in the responding only after being prompted. alley, siren silent, and Starsky delayed until he Hutch gave Starsky a quick, frowning could tell the emerging uniforms to cover the glance and Starsky realized he’d been staring back exit. Then he pushed in alone, his fingers for far too long at his partner’s face, and at the tenting on the door as he eased it open. dampness on his collar, all that remained of the To his left, cases of beer lined the walls, clown’s assault. Starsky shook himself and making the passage narrow. He felt anxious— followed Hutch and the perp outside. he was late getting into position—so he More uniforms showed up, and Hutch sneaked quickly along in the dim light, hearing turned custody of the clown over to the muffled voices coming from the front. One arriving officers. One of them went back inside was high-pitched and sounded desperate. The to take the clerk’s statement. Starsky was glad other, his partner’s, was rough and loud and Hutch hadn’t insisted they take the loser in steady. themselves. Starsky’s heart was pounding in his ears “We’d better go in and type up the report,” with unaccustomed panic, and he couldn’t Hutch said, and Starsky nodded dumbly. It make sense of what was being said. He wasn’t until they were in the Torino and on the crouched low at the end of an aisle and peered road back to Metro that the reaction finally set around the side of a snack display. He froze. in. He clutched his hands tight around the He saw his partner, standing tall in the steering wheel, suddenly furious, hot blood open between Starsky and the clown-faced suffusing his face. perp. Hutch was reaching out for the gun “I almost shot a clown,” he grated clutched tightly in the clown’s white-gloved sideways, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. hand. The gun that was aimed straight at him. “What the fuck were you doing?” NO! HUTCH! Starsky couldn’t breathe, He heard puzzlement and a little bit of an couldn’t speak. He raised his Beretta in slow edge in Hutch’s voice. “Didn’t you hear me? I motion, chillingly aware that he had no clear said it loud—‘I can tell that’s just a toy; now shot. He saw the gloved hand squeeze and felt hand it over before you get shot.’” his heart stop dead in his chest, iced over with Oh. “I was delayed getting in. Had to abrupt terror. position the uniforms.” He swallowed. “You And a stream of water shot out of the gun, scared the shit out of me. I thought you were a hitting Hutch in the face. goner.” His voice had a strange catch on the Starsky lowered his automatic, shaking in last words and he hastily shut his mouth. He reaction, and watched in stunned shock as could feel Hutch’s eyes on him, but refused to Hutch wiped his face with his sleeve and took lift his own from the street unrolling before the water pistol from the clown, chiding him in him. gentle tones as he cuffed him. “Well, I’m fine,” was all Hutch said, but Time started again. Starsky took a breath— the undercurrent was so strong Starsky thought gasping it in—and Hutch turned his head. he would drown in it. “Starsk?” He called out, “You there? It’s all ‘Fine’. Says he’s ‘fine’. Yeah, everything’s clear. Come on over.” fine and dandy, Hutch. Except we haven’t said Starsky took a few more shuddering a word to each other—except about work— breaths, calming himself. He came around the ever since the river. Ever since that day. And I

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can’t stop thinking about it and wanting it all “Asking yourself over?” Hutch asked, his over again, even though I obviously screwed voice gritty. you in the head when I screwed you up the ass. “Yup.” Maybe that was what was causing this Hutch started to speak again but Starsky distance between them. Not that Starsky hadn’t cut him off in a hurry. taken ‘no’ for an answer, but Hutch “Don’t say anything, Hutch. We’re going hadn’t…minded. Just another thing that Hutch to your place. I’m making you dinner.” might never forgive him for. Hutch grunted, but didn’t respond. When Maybe Starsky should offer to even up the Starsky looked over at him, he caught the score. telltale sign of jaw muscles twitching and The thought gave him a chill—not of flexing. disgust, but the good kind that shivered into his Starsky ignored him and parked in front of balls, making his cock twitch. And as he drove Venice Place. He let Hutch go on ahead while them back to the station, he started making he grabbed his grocery bag from the trunk. But some plans. he was only a few steps behind Hutch, which gave him a nice view of his partner’s ass as ~oOo~ those long legs climbed the stairs ahead of him. Inside, Starsky set his bag down on the kitchen table and watched as Hutch prowled Their clown’s name was Adam C. Gertz, back and forth like a caged lion. “Siddown, and his greasepaint hadn’t survived all the Hutch, take a load off,” he suggested, to crying and face-rubbing he’d indulged in on Hutch’s wordless growl. the way in to the station. Patches of pale skin Have it your way, Blondie, Starsky thought, had appeared around his eyes, making him and he pulled a six-pack from the bag, popping look, if possible, even more pathetic. Hutch the caps off a couple and waiting until Hutch volunteered to type up the arrest report, so swung by before offering him a beer. Hutch Starsky had time to run out to the grocery took it but didn’t drink. Starsky watched, store, where he acquired some props for his bemused, as Hutch finally shrugged off his evening plans. jacket and gun. He slouched down on the They wrapped up and clocked out, leaving couch, propped the beer bottle up on the arm, Dobey, as ever, fixed at his desk like a and then regarded Starsky evenly. monolith that would require ropes and a tackle Enough was enough. Starsky’s nerves were to be moved. When Starsky popped his head in jittery as it was, and he wasn’t sure he could to say good night, Dobey gave him a look that take more of this silent treatment before he said he had noticed the strain between the blew a gasket himself. He took off his own gun partners, and if they didn’t get to the bottom of and laid it on the side table, then seated himself it soon, he would start interfering. Starsky gave opposite Hutch. the captain a nod, and saw him frown in Starsky cleared his throat and dived in. acceptance. “We gotta talk.” Since Hutch’s junker had blown an Hutch’s brows contracted dangerously, his important gasket the day before, he was relying eyes narrowing down to slits. “I told you on Starsky for a ride home. Starsky found for before. It didn’t happen.” once he was grateful for his partner’s terrible Stubborn bastard. “What about me, Hutch? taste in cars. As he turned down Ocean Avenue Don’t I get a say?” he cleared his throat. “I picked up some stuff Hutch looked surprised, and then gave a for dinner.” weary sigh. “You already said. You never

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 33 would’ve done it. You were drugged. I was choice. What I want to do is…give you back drugged. Can’t we…?” he drifted off, glancing your choice.” away, apparently at a loss. Hutch swallowed and said, almost in a “I was trying to tell you how sorry I am—” whisper, “What about you? Don’t you want a Hutch’s eyes changed. “Sorry? You don’t choice?” have anything to be sorry about,” he said, Starsky shook his head. “I don’t need it. I sounding wistful. mean I’ve already made mine. It all depends on “But I do. I am,” Starsky said sincerely. you, Hutch. See, here’s your time machine. Hutch chewed his lip. “Are we talking Whichever one you want, well,” Starsky about the same thing, here?” shrugged, “that’s what I’ll make you for It was an odd question. “What the hell else dinner. So, which is it gonna be? Fish, or could we be talking about, Hutch? I hunted you soup?” down. I made you—” Hutch just stared at him. Starsky wished at “Shh.” Hutch said. “Wait a second.” He that moment that he had telepathic powers so considered Starsky for a while, his shoulders he could dig into the gray matter hiding behind tense, but it was a different kind of stiffness. It those crystal blue eyes, which were revealing was that focused, concentrated tautness that nothing at all. took him when Hutch was thinking about a “Can I…can I ask you a question, first?” case. “Sure, anything,” Starsky promised “We went wrong somewhere,” Hutch said, blithely. his voice distant and distracted. “I can almost “When you said—back at the camp—that finger it.…” you wouldn’t have…‘if it weren’t for the “I know where we went wrong, Hutch, but drugs’…what did you mean?” it wasn’t really our fault.” Starsky tried to think back to that cold, sick Hutch looked up, his eyes clear and intent. morning. His stomach churned just “Where?” remembering it. “I told you already. I was “I’ll show you.” Starsky got up and grabbed the grocery bag from the kitchen. He trying to say I was sorry…for not taking ‘no’ pulled out two items, one in each hand. He saw for an answer.” Hutch’s expression grow puzzled. “I thought you meant….” Hutch’s face “Fried fish sticks.” Starsky held up the cleared, and he stared down at the table, at the package. “They didn’t have any fresh trout at defrosting package slowly condensing water the corner bodega,” he added with a wry smile. onto the surface of the coffee table, and then at Hutch frowned. the red and white can of soup. “Orange marmalade.” Starsky held up the “You know, I hear fried food is very bad second item. He saw comprehension dawn on for you,” Starsky offered helpfully. “Soup is Hutch’s face. much better for your health. And I know how Then Starsky reached into the bag a final you like to eat healthy, Hutch.” time and pulled out a red and white can, He saw a smile of disbelief cross Hutch’s holding it so the label was pointed toward face. Hutch. “You like soup, huh?” Hutch asked, his “Cream of mushroom soup.” voice improbably low and husky. Hutch was starting to look pissed. Starsky took a deep breath before replying. “Hear me out, babe,” Starsky said. “See, “I like it a lot,” he admitted. “Only, I like the way I figure it, you didn’t really have a to…eat it slow. Really appreciate it.”

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Hutch stared at him, his eyes going wide the air from Hutch’s lungs, pushing his tongue again, like they had that night, across the fire. into his mouth. He felt strong hands grip his Starsky realized he was sweating a little. head frantically tight, and felt a little dizzied at “What about you, huh? Do you the power of his own response. He had like…soup? Do you maybe wanna try it?” wondered if maybe the drug was why the sex “I think soup is great,” Hutch said slowly. had been so incredible, so intense and powerful “I think soup is…is fine.” and unbelievably good that first time, but this Starsky exhaled in pure relief. “Just kiss was proving that theory dead wrong. ‘fine’?” he kidded gently. No, it was them. It was Hutch, touching “All right, mighty fine,” Hutch admitted him, wanting him so badly. Seeing Hutch out sheepishly, looking down. of control, all his careful detachment shattered, “Hutch.” Starsky was having a little trouble was making Starsky’s cock harder than a gun breathing. “Look at me, babe.” muzzle, and just as eager to fire. And feeling Hutch raised his eyes, slowly. The heat in Hutch equally hard, pressing against him, them raised Starsky’s own temperature about moaning with need, was making it pretty likely twenty degrees, fast. This is it. It’s really he would shoot, and pretty soon, unless they gonna happen. He’d been so intent on Hutch’s backed off. reactions he’d forgotten the end he had been Starsky put his hands up on Hutch’s struggling toward. And now Hutch was shoulders, but it took a concerted push to get looking at him with such intensity that him to ease up. When Hutch finally pulled suddenly he felt nervous. back, his face was flushed, the intent stare Some of his uncertainty must have been softened and hazy with desire. Starsky reflected in his expression, for Hutch’s gaze swallowed. For me. All for me. softened, the hunger muting. But Starsky Without speaking, he tugged at Hutch’s didn’t want that. He wanted that look, the hot shoulder, getting him moving toward the blue that said Hutch knew exactly what Starsky bedroom. Behind him, Starsky grabbed the had been feeling back in the forest, with his lube and started unbuttoning his shirt, pausing quarry almost within reach. as he watched Hutch strip off his own. Starsky “So, babe. How do you want your soup?” stood for a moment, admiring the broad, Starsky asked, raising an eyebrow smooth back and almost flawless tanned skin. suggestively. Reaching into the bag a final Hutch turned. Already stripped of his shirt time, he pulled out a pristine tube of lubricant, and pants and shoes, he stood in his socks and looked at it for a moment, and then tossed it white, old man boxers. Starsky’s eyes dropped over to Hutch, who caught it automatically. automatically to Hutch’s crotch and the thick Hutch looked down at the label, and when he hard-on pressing against the front seam, a raised his eyes again, the heat was back, sliver of red flesh peeping through the gap. multiplied, so that Starsky could almost see it Starsky’s heart thumped hard. He dropped rising as waves in the air. the lube on the bed and started tearing at his It took mere seconds for them to rise and shirt, getting it open and off. He was gazing so close the distance between them; and then, oh, intently at the bulge straining at the fabric of God, those hungry lips were back on his once Hutch’s underwear that it took him a moment again, sucking at him, tasting so sweet. to realize the abdomen above it was Hutch’s warm breath was puffing out of his unnaturally still, as if Hutch had stopped nostrils, washing against Starsky’s cheek. breathing. Starsky looked up. When he took his next breath, Starsky pulled Hutch was staring at his chest.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 35 The moment went on too long, and the base of his cock to pause just below the Starsky’s certainty was shaken by Hutch’s head, stroking him there, making him crazy. frozen expression. “Maybe you changed your Starsky groaned, his hips bucking against mind, huh?” Starsky said, finally, swallowing his will, and Hutch pushed him back, holding an impossible lump. him still. Starsky looked down just in time to Hutch shook his head and then raised it, see Hutch swallow the head of his cock. looking straight into Starsky’s eyes. He spoke, “Hutch. Oh, God.” The soft yet firm his voice like a silvery frost. “There was a pressure of Hutch’s tongue teasing him, and while there, when I was sure—dead sure, the gentle suction of his lips, were tender and Starsk—that you wouldn’t make it. I gave up exquisite. He felt himself pulse madly with on you,” he admitted slowly. “I gave up, in pleasure, once, his cock stiffening to peak here.” Hutch raised his hand to his chest. He hardness in the time it took him to gasp a ended on a whisper, “It was like a betrayal, single breath. It was better than any drug, this somehow.” pleasure, and affected his head as profoundly, Aw, Babe. Starsky was speechless. because suddenly he couldn’t think at all, “And now, look at you,” Hutch said, could only feel every stroke and glide of that wonderingly, “You proved me wrong. You beloved mouth, doing things to him he’d never proved all of them wrong.” dared dream of. “No,” Starsky said. “We proved them Hutch’s hand was on his balls, now, wrong. Together. You were there.” Starsky tugging, pulling down, and then he gave them shook himself. “And, anyway, you want to talk a slight turn, twisting the sac. “God. Ohhh.” Starsky couldn’t control his about that shit, or you wanna go to bed and eat mouth. “Beautiful…so good, Hutch.” your damned soup?” More of Hutch’s mouth claimed him, and Hutch’s face changed, the brooding look Starsky’s knees started to get weak. He changing in an instant to an impossibly wide grabbed at Hutch’s shoulders, clutching them grin, and then he pounced. Starsky almost roughly before his hands traveled up to his jolted back when he felt Hutch’s big hands head to feel it in motion, feel the rising and yanking open his jeans and then hauling them falling over his cock. He felt his balls move in down his legs. Hutch’s hand. He was close to coming, and he “Oh, I want my soup,” Hutch growled. “I squeezed his eyes shut, tightening his grip on want it bad.” He went down onto his knees, Hutch’s head to warn him. Hutch released him, freeing Starsky of his shoes and socks, and his hair catching in Starsky’s fingers as he Starsky automatically put his hands on Hutch’s pulled away. Starsky opened his eyes and warm shoulders for balance. Hutch finished looked down. with his task and raised his head. Starsky found Hutch licked his lips. “I think my soup is himself fascinated by the proximity of Hutch’s hot.” He gave a small smile at Starsky’s groan mouth to his erection. Six inches? Five? and then rose to his feet and pushed him Suddenly no inches, as Hutch pressed his face toward the bed. Starsky stumbled a little, his into his groin. head feeling light, but his cock and balls Starsky groaned wildly. Oh man. Oh man. feeling so heavy, as if any second they’d be “Goddamn, Hutch, what’re you—” dragging on the floor from the sheer weight of “Shhhh.” Hutch cautioned him, his breath the blood trapped inside them. blowing cool against Starsky’s hot shaft. And Hutch gave him a gentle nudge from then he felt it: Hutch’s hand gripping him, and behind and he collapsed onto the bed, catching a slow, meandering wetness, traveling up from himself with his hands. He started to roll over

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onto his back but suddenly Hutch was there, relaxing involuntarily, and he shifted his hips trapping him against the bed, his long weight against the bed, trying to adjust the angle of his covering him. Hutch must’ve lost his boxers weeping hard-on while Hutch kept at him, somewhere, because his erection tried to bury making him hotter and hotter with each tender itself between Starsky’s cheeks. It felt sexy and lick. scary as shit. He’ll never fit, Starsky thought, “Please, please,” Starsky mumbled against although he had taken plenty of women up the his forearm, which was trapped under his back door himself, and he knew it was just a mouth. He started humping the mattress but matter of gentle preparation. The kind he Hutch’s mouth kept on him, and when Starsky hadn’t given Hutch on that fateful camping raised his ass on one stroke, Hutch’s tongue trip. penetrated him. Hutch was licking and sucking at his ear “Fuck!” Starsky yelled, startled. He was now, and humming deep in his throat, a low going to come and Hutch wasn’t even touching rumble as he pressed his hips down on Starsky, his cock. He felt cold air hit his sensitized anus gently thrusting against him. Starsky shivered as Hutch pulled back. There was a pause as under the assault as Hutch languorously Hutch fumbled with the lube, but Starsky was nibbled at his earlobe and licked delicately only peripherally aware of it, lost in the haze of around the edge of his ear. Then suddenly sensation. And then he felt a slick finger slide Hutch rolled off of him to rest his cheek home in one smooth stroke. against his back, the facial hair a soft rasp Starsky bucked against the mattress, crying against his shoulder as Hutch kissed and out as he was penetrated, groaning as the finger sucked his way down…and down. moved deeper. It felt big. Starsky had always “What’re you up to, Blondie?” Starsky been aware that Hutch had big hands; hell, asked shakily. he’d even speculated on the corresponding size “M’just gonna try out my soup,” Hutch of Hutch’s erect cock. But he’d never imagined mumbled, and his lips dragged across Starsky’s what that one long finger could do to him, that lower spine, the slick wetness of tongue it could give him so much pleasure, stroking stroking knowingly at the top of his crack. him from within, moving deep to nudge Oh, shit. Starsky had always wanted to try against the small gland behind his nuts. this. He’d just never gotten the balls up to ask any of his girlfriends to do it. And here Hutch Starsky was in heaven. He moved his hips was…. up and down, mashing his cock against the “Hutch!” The big hands parted his mattress for some desperately needed relief, buttocks, and Starsky felt the strange and and then pushing back against that finger that utterly wonderful sensation of Hutch’s probed him so knowingly. He panted with the whiskers against the tender flesh between his effort, sweat dripping between his cheeks to cheeks, and then the incredibly dark, ball- join the moistness already there. tingling slide of that soft, wet tongue slipping Just as he was completely sure he couldn’t down into his crack until it reached his asshole. possibly take any more, that Hutch was a cold- Starsky groaned in disbelief as it started licking hearted, ass-teasing tormentor who was trying at him, over and over, circling the flesh there. to shock his heart back into early retirement, a “Jesus,” Starsky whispered, and Hutch second finger pushed in beside the first, laughed softly, the exhalation blowing against stretching him painfully but deliciously wider. Starsky’s anus. Then a slick, wet finger joined It suddenly occurred to Starsky that Hutch’s the tongue, stroking him soft and hard, soft and cock was a fair amount bigger than his fingers, hard. Starsky’s ass started clenching and and he groaned at the thought.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 37 Hutch’s fingers eased out of him. “Doing that one place where they met, flesh within okay?” Hutch asked on an uneven whisper. flesh. The proof that Hutch was as shaken as Starsky There was a pause while he waited, made him feel slightly better. listening to Hutch slick himself up. Starsky “Get the show on the road, babe,” Starsky was tense and expectant—thinking and not responded cockily, but his stomach was thinking, both. He almost didn’t want to know trembling a little. He heard Hutch exhale what was about to happen to him. In all his harshly, the sound raw desire, and then Hutch life, he had never thought about willingly rose over him again to blanket him, rolling him being on the receiving end of this particular onto his side and hugging him fiercely, hands act. drifting hungrily over his chest. So he blanked his mind, and just let himself Starsky felt overwhelmed. That was a feel the gentle warmth of Hutch’s hands, whole lotta Hutch, rubbing against him, touching him again, testing his opening, and wrapped around him. At the same time, his then guiding himself to Starsky’s anus; a cold, body arched back against Hutch’s of its own slick, thick pressure, poised there for just three beats of Starsky heart. He shuddered just as volition, and he moved his ass against the hard Hutch pushed, hard, and spread him open with cock that was waiting to claim him. his cock. Hutch hissed. “Watch it,” he said “Holy fuck,” Starsky whispered. It was breathlessly, “Want you too bad right now.” painful. He found himself very, very grateful Hutch’s lips found the back of Starsky’s neck that Hutch halted then, not moving further. He and kissed him, his breath hot against his nape. felt suddenly ashamed of how he had rushed Then Hutch’s right hand came down to take Hutch in the tent, because right now it was all possession of Starsky’s cock. he could do not to pull away. But Hutch “Ahhh,” Starsky couldn’t help the moan of waited, and slowly, Starsky could feel his delight, and he thrust eagerly into Hutch’s tight muscles giving, accepting, easing. He sighed, fist, pulling back to press his ass against and Hutch pulled back, then pushed in, deeper. Hutch’s cock. Hutch stroked him, feeding his “Ahhh,” Hutch moaned near-silently, his fire, until he hardly recognized himself. He breath moving against Starsky’s neck. The was writhing like crazy, every nerve craving sound of his enjoyment hit Starsky right in the more stimulation. balls, and the pressure eased as he relaxed, “You’re so hot, babe,” Hutch whispered in feeling the beginnings of pleasure in the slow, his ear. “So hot in my hand.” careful movements. Hutch was so cautious that “Dammit, Hutch, get on with it,” Starsky after a while, Starsky got impatient and rolled gasped, alarmed to hear himself begging for his hips back, helping in his own impalement. Hutch’s cock. Starsky could feel the big body Hutch gasped and grabbed his hip as if to trembling against him at his words. stop him, but then he pulled on it, sinking even Aw, Hutch. Starsky lowered his voice, deeper into him. And then Starsky felt it, like a saying, “Do, it babe. Really want it. Wanna ribbon of heat curling from behind his nuts to feel you.” And, oh, man, he did want it. twist up his cock—Hutch had found that magic Wanted to feel it in him, learn what this spot that his fingers had toyed with earlier. terrifying, dangerous pleasure could be like. A Starsky groaned and heard himself memory from that afternoon in the tent popped pleading for more of it, more of that dark into his head, how he had felt, going into magic. Hutch gave a soft laugh and Starsky Hutch. He wanted Hutch to know what that felt shivered as the thick crown rubbed shallowly like, too. Like all the world was contained in against it over and over. Hutch was really

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moving, now, the lube smoothing the way, and Starsky’s leg off his thigh and to the mattress Hutch reached over him to rub his chest and with one slippery hand as Hutch shifted into a palm his nipples. squat. And then he started to really fuck. “Oh, God, Hutch. Touch my cock. Please, Starsky groaned as the new angle slammed baby.” Starsky wanted it so badly at that Hutch’s cock into his prostate again and again. moment, to feel Hutch’s hand on him. His own cock gave a belated spurt of semen “Not yet,” Hutch said low, a deep murmur and Starsky cried out in sharp pleasure. He’d in his ear, and Hutch’s mouth closed around never felt anything like it. his earlobe to suck and lick. “So good, Starsky. Hutch was grunting now—low, animal Fucking you…I’m fucking you,” he groaned grunts, a sound Starsky had never heard out of his pleasure. Starsky shivered and jerked as the him before. Starsky started to think he was sound and meaning vibrated down his nervous never going to survive this, or maybe not with system. his ass intact. But then, finally, he heard a low The head of Hutch’s cock was pumping moan, almost of pain, and Hutch plunged deep Starsky’s sweet spot like one of Charlie and froze, his hand squeezing Starsky’s hip McCabe’s fictitious oilrigs—a great, convulsively as he came. Starsky could feel it, inexorable piston of pleasure. Starsky lifted his the pulsing wax and wane of the thick shaft. right leg and slung it around Hutch’s hip, “Ahhh, Starsk.” Hutch gave a plaintive hearing him moan with appreciation at the sigh, his hand slipping down to Starsky’s belly, deeper penetration. Iron fingers dug into and he eased slowly to the side, his cock Starsky’s hip, holding him fast as Hutch picked turning in Starsky’s ass. Starsky gasped. He up the pace. Starsky was in a different place— felt Hutch breathe deeply, and then his hand all feeling, and the slick sound of flesh, and his drifted down to cup Starsky’s flaccid penis, as own moaning, pouring from his lips, and if to see if there was any more pleasure to be Hutch’s groaning whispers of pleasure and stripped from the abused organ. praise. And then finally Hutch reached to But Starsky was dead there. He was dead gather Starsky’s cock in his big hand. everywhere—Hutch had snuffed him, killed “Jesus. Jesus. JESUS,” Starsky cried out, him with his cock. Starsky lay on the bed as Hutch stroked his cock, punishing him completely limp, and imagined the headline: inside and out with raw pleasure, and he felt his balls clench into rocks. “Oh God, Hutch, HUTCH!” Starsky shouted and came, jerking Man Killed Dead by Incredible Fuck helplessly with the intensity of his climax. He ejaculated like a pressure hose, bathing “I just don’t understand it,” Detective Hutch’s hand with his come in a pulsing Sergeant First Class Kenneth Hutchinson stream, feeling his ass relax and then tighten was heard saying. “One moment I was uncontrollably around the hard shaft inside fucking him with my rock-hard, nine- him. “Oh. Oh,” he said, more weakly, his cock inch dick, making him scream my name still spasming, almost synchronized with the and come all over my hand, and the next pounding rhythm of Hutch’s cock. minute he was just this…squishy blob of While he was coming, Starsky had vaguely protoplasm.” Hutchinson looked deeply heard Hutch moaning in his ear, but the big distraught. “It was a mess. I ended up body was still thrusting fast and hard. Hutch having to replace the mattress.” released his cock and Starsky felt him halt in The dead man could not be reached mid-stroke, moving deep and then pushing for comment.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 39 Starsky laughed a little to himself, then into the mirror as the door opened. Hutch had winced when the movement brought home the pulled on his boxers and was standing there, fact that Hutch was still inside him, and still, looking concerned. apparently, semi-erect. “You ever gonna get It suddenly occurred to Starsky that this that monster out of my ass?” He was only was the way it would be now. Of course, partially joking. Hutch’s physical well-being had always been “Sorry,” Hutch said, sounding in his care, from the earliest days of their embarrassed, “that happens sometimes when I partnership. And as time passed, Starsky had get too… Hang on, this might be a little—” started to feel responsible for Hutch’s He didn’t finish. He didn’t need to. Starsky emotional well-being, too. felt every inch of that semi-hard cock as it And now he guessed his definition would slowly withdrew from his body, and he have to expand further, to include Hutch’s suppressed a groan of pain. Still, afterward he heart. found he felt strangely empty. Okay, now Starsky finished brushing his teeth, and you’re getting weird, Davey. But it was true, rinsed. “Wanna use my toothbrush?” he how much he had loved it. He was surprised to offered magnanimously. Considering where realize he liked it almost as much as he had Hutch’s tongue had been a little while ago, he enjoyed fucking Hutch. thought it was pretty generous of him. Hutch shifted behind him until they were Hutch gave a tiny smile. “Nah, I think I’ll touching closely, sharing the sweat on their use my own. You mind if I grab a shower, skin. Then he slung his arm over Starsky’s and though?” lightly rubbed his chest with his palm. “Go for it,” Starsky said. “I’ll lock up.” As “That was…Jesus. Incredible. Think I he passed his partner he slid a possessive hand almost died,” Hutch said, echoing Starsky’s onto his waist and gave a quick kiss to the side thoughts. “Was it…?” Thankfully, Hutch of Hutch’s mouth. He saw the tiny smile break didn’t finish the unworthy question; he just into a broad grin just as he walked away. sighed and drew him closer. Starsky lay in a His heart. Guess it’s mine, now. Which is puddle, too wasted to move anything but his only fair, since he’s the reason I got mine hand, which joined Hutch’s over his chest. beating again. Starsky didn’t remember it, of Soon enough, though, his lower body woke course, but Dobey had told him later. Dobey up to register a serious complaint, and he had said it was a miracle, but Starsky just hurriedly sat up and scrambled off the bed to considered it a perfect example of how the head to the bathroom, waving a hand at universe always made much more sense than it Hutch’s concerned “You okay? Starsk?” appeared to at any given moment. Starsky sat on the john and wondered if he Starsky heard the shower running as he would always associate sex with Hutch with went around shutting off the lights in the living intestinal cramps. Vaguely, he knew there room. He stopped and stared at the thawed-out was…stuff he could do to take care of the box of fish sticks puddling onto the coffee problem, but the thought was too gross for table. words at this moment. He finished up and gave With a grin, he disposed of the soggy mess himself a good swab down with a wet and wiped down the table, then took the can of washcloth, then decided to brush his teeth mushroom soup and placed it on Hutch’s while he was at it. He located the spare he kept bookshelf. He smiled to think of Hutch’s in Hutch’s medicine cabinet and started reaction the next time he reached for a book. brushing. Bent over the sink, he heard a knock. Hell, he’d probably even blush. “Starsk?” Hutch sounded tentative. Starsky went back to the bedroom and eyed Starsky’s heart gave a little twist. He looked up the mussed-up bed sheets with distaste, then

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quickly stripped the bed and located a fresh set “How come?” in Hutch’s bureau. By the time Hutch had “You’d be ruining my favorite part of the emerged from the bathroom, a towel wrapped day,” Starsky said. He pulled down the covers around his waist, Starsky was propped up in in a not-so-subtle hint for Hutch to come to bed bed waiting. already. Hutch had an odd smile on his face as he “I don’t get it,” Hutch said, but he crawled approached the bed. Starsky waited expectantly onto the other side of the bed and stuck his legs for him to drop the towel and join him, but under the sheets, his towel still around his Hutch just stood there. waist. “What’s up?” Starsky scratched at his chest “It’s like this. Every morning, I wake up, absently, fingering his scars. They always do my routine, read the paper, drink a cup of started itching at bedtime; it was the damnedest java. And between waking up, and while I’m thing. doing all that stuff, the whole time in the back “I was just thinking—” Hutch cut himself of my head I’m thinking, ‘Soon I’ll get to see off and looked uncertain. Hutch.’” “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Hutch’s mouth dropped open. babe,” Starsky said, grinning. “So, if you’re not off doing your workout, The put-down must have worked, because how the hell am I gonna get to my favorite part Hutch rallied and gave him a slightly irritated of the day?” look. “Uh—” Hutch started hoarsely, then “What I was thinking was…it’s been a cleared his throat. Starsky’s smile widened. long, long time since I…cared about He’s such a sucker for that mushy stuff. So someone.” He looked away, and Starsky noted damned easy to make him happy. the flush along his neck. “Not that I haven’t “I guess…I could jog before you wake up always…what I mean is, this way. And I was in the morning, and work out in the just thinking it’ll be nice to have you to…to afternoon?” Hutch offered at last. come home to.” Hutch sounded abashed, but Starsky nodded. “Okay, I suppose that’ll determined. “That is, assuming you want work. But then what about you?” to….” Hutch looked down at his hands, which “You’re stuck with me, babe,” Starsky were folded neatly over the towel covering his answered the unspoken question, then grinned lap. “Then, I guess…my favorite time will as he said, “Only, we’re together all day, so how we gonna ‘come home’ to each other?” be…right after the moment I wake up, when I Hutch seemed relieved at the assumption see you next to me and realize I’m not still that they’d be together, regardless. And dreaming.” Starsky liked that just fine. He watched, Starsky felt himself blush. “Oh, man.” amused, as the habitual crinkle appeared Right in the gut. He reached over and grabbed between Hutch’s pale brows. He was obviously Hutch by the shoulders, pulling him down and giving the problem serious thought. Then his kissing him hard in retaliation. Hutch’s lips expression lightened. tasted of mint, and of Hutch. Starsky had only “I know—I’ll move my daily workout from tasted him a few times, but he was already flat- the morning to after our shift. Then I can come out addicted. This is crazy. In bed with Hutch, home to you afterward.” He smiled at the kissin’ him. thought, and Starsky felt his innards turn to Hutch was moaning into his mouth again, pure goo. that low, low sound that Starsky couldn’t hear “Won’t work,” he said firmly, trying to as much feel on his lips, his tongue and with keep a straight face. his cock. Starsky reached down and tugged at

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 41 the damp towel, trying to pull it from Hutch’s Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish, hips so he could get at him. Starsky’s ass was Game or any other dish? really sore, so he wasn’t sure about doing that Who would not give all else for two again just now, but maybe if Hutch were game Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?’ for another trip to Wonderland…. “God, Starsk. Wait.” Hutch pulled back —Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and put a hand on his chest. “I have to tell you by Lewis Carroll something.” “Oh, shit. We gotta do this? True confessions or something?” Starsky grumped. He wanted to play. Plagiarized quotations and references (with “It’s just that…you know as well as I do Deepest Apologies to Lewis Carroll, et alia): that you would never have…if it weren’t for the soup,” Hutch stammered, and then looked “CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER !” cried disgusted with himself. “I just need you to Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the know that I—that I already knew before all this moment she quite forgot how to speak...) happened. What I wanted…” He looked —Alice, to herself when the cake made her directly into Starsky’s eyes. “And who I grow wanted it from. But you—” “I know what you’re thinking,” Starsky That’s not at all a proper way of expressing interrupted, “but it isn’t so, no how.” yourself. “Starsk—” —Alice, to the baby (pig) “Look, Blintz,” Starsky said coaxingly, reaching over to tug at Hutch’s towel, ...Won’t have any pepper in my kitchen at all. “whaddaya say you lean back and let me suck Soup does very well without—Maybe it’s on your cock for a while, and then afterwards always pepper that makes people hot- we can have a nice long debate about whether tempered… or not it’s your fault I’ve suddenly turned into —Alice, to herself in the kitchen a big homo.” If he smiled much more the ends of his mouth “Uh,” was Hutch’s only response, because might meet behind… by that point Starsky had taken hold of the —Alice, about Humpty Dumpty thick shaft and was stroking it, feeling it swell within his hand. Hutch moaned, and Starsky smiled and lowered his mouth. ...Afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought “Feed your head,” he whispered, and to have wondered at this, but at the time it all sucked him in. seemed quite natural… —Alice, about the White Rabbit ~oOo~ The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and began, in “I know what you’re thinking about,” said a voice sometimes choked with sobs, to sing Tweedledum ; “but it isn’t so, nohow.” this:— —Tweedledum, to Alice, about which one of them is ‘First Boy’ ‘Beautiful Soup, so rich and green Waiting in a hot tureen! Feed your head. Who for such dainties would not stoop? —Jefferson Airplane, White Rabbit (1967) Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

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In the Dying Light

By Kassidy

Heat waves danced off the road in the late wide, dark pupils told him everything he afternoon light. Halfway down the block, a girl needed. walked into the wall of a building, then pushed She made a clumsy and somehow pathetic herself off from it, staggering further down the attempt at pulling away from him, but he kept walk. Starsky and Hutch glanced at each other, his grip easily. “What are you on?” he asked. and then Hutch jogged down the sidewalk and She looked up at him like a dumb animal, caught her arm just as she collided with a hazel irises a thin band around the huge pupils. wire trashcan welded to a pole. The can She was a teen with brown hair rimmed gold by reverberated tinnily. Hutch caught her arm, the lowering sun. Her cheeks were chubby. turning her around to face him. One look at the Baby fat.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 43 Hutch stared down at her, his stomach see me. They don’t see anything when they get sinking. Sweat trickled down his chest in the that far gone except for the smack and the heat. “What the hell are you doing out on the people who can give it to them. Just a kid.” streets like this?” He knew the futility of the “Some of them make it. Mickey made it. question before he finished speaking. He leaned The kids are the ones that do have a chance, if his head against the hot steel pole and sighed. you get to them in time.” “How old are you?” Still nothing. “You believe that?” Starsky caught up to them and Hutch tipped “Of course I do. Don’t you?” his head at the girl. “Kid doesn’t want to talk to Hutch stared off in space, considering. me.” “Well, if it ain’t my favorite dynamic duo,” Starsky looked at her and ran a hand Huggy said, sliding into the booth beside through his sweaty hair. He shook his head, Starsky. “What’s shakin’?” staring at the girl. “Where is this shit coming from? All of a sudden we got dope overflowing the streets.” “Yeah. Right now let’s get this kid out of here. Call Juvie.” “Then we go talk to Huggy.” Hutch nodded glumly, led the girl to the car and tried not to look too much at the drugged bewilderment on her face.

~oOo~

The bar was cool and dark, a quiet hubbub rising from early diners and early drinkers. “You tell us,” Starsky said, chin cupped in Starsky took a gulp from his mug, cold beer hand. slipping down his throat. Next to him, Hutch “Let’s see. The toilet’s acting up and one of downed the rest of his drink and slouched the bartenders is taking more than his allotted against the back of the booth. He rubbed the share of the money he’s expected to steal.” bridge of his nose, seeing the girl’s scared “Huggy.” Hutch’s eyes were level on the expression in his mind. Bear’s. He waited. “Hey,” Starsky said, and nudged his Huggy shrugged. “There’s a wild card partner’s knee with his foot. Hutch didn’t look shaking up the street, the way I hear it. Ain’t up. “You okay?” nobody going to talk to you about it, either, except for one crazy barkeep with a lack of “It’s just . . . hell, Starsky. You know what preservation instinct. It’s gone too bad too fast.” it is. These kids get hooked and it all goes “You know anything about him?” downhill.” He sighed. “Same old song, right.” “You want to know more from me, we’ll “You’re allowed to care. The day you stop meet up later. Right now I got the feeling Big is the day you forget how to be a good cop.” Brother is watching,” Huggy said, sliding back “There’s caring, and then there’s futility, out of the booth. “I got nothing to say to you you know? But the kids get to me. Did you see guys,” he added loudly. her, Starsk?” Hutch said, finally meeting his “What the hell’s up with you, Huggy,” partner’s gaze. Starsky nodded. “No, I mean, Starsky called out for show. He tipped the last did you really look at her? She’s just, she’s a of the beer to the back of his throat and child, and she looked right at me but she didn’t slammed the mug onto the table.

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~oOo~ pollen to his bee, the clownfish to his anemone.” The sun had set but the heat still beat against “He’s the who to my what?” Hutch asked, Hutch’s apartment from the streets and reappearing in the room. sidewalk. Inside, however, the air was cooler. “Something about bees, peas and fish. Hutch’s little window unit was cranked to the Never mind,” said Starsky, and sat back down. max. Huggy sat next to him. “So, tell us what’s going “Losing your touch, I said.” on.” “Starsky, just because I don’t have a date “What’s going on is that the drug dealers doesn’t mean I’m losing my touch. You, on the out of the Jaguares gang have teamed up with a other hand—you’ve lost it. If you ever had it.” dude named Angelo Alejandros. The trade in Hutch smirked. the neighborhood is organizing and seriously on Starsky gave him the full blue-eyed in-your- the climb. As you’ve seen.” face intensity treatment. “You don’t know what “So who’s backing Alejandros?” asked you’re talking about.” Hutch. “It’s 10 p.m. and who are you sitting with? “Don’t know. Nobody knows or they’re not talking. They’re scared. You know the bar and Last time I checked I’m not a lady. Which grill down the street from me? Pardo owns it. I means you’re dateless.” heard he got taken right out of his fine “Better check again. I’ve heard some things establishment in the middle of the day. Got a about you.” hurtin’ for certain, bad enough to stay out of “I’ve heard some things about us,” Hutch work a couple of days. Alejandros busted his said. chops for telling the Jaguares to discuss deals Starsky waggled his brows at him. “They’re out on the street and not in his joint. These days just jealous. Can’t help it we’re the best the Jaguares do whatever they want at company we know. Though if the truth be told, Pardo’s—he doesn’t lift a finger against them. I got enough rep for the both of us. A good And as a matter of fact, if Alejandros finds out I thing,” Starsky added. talked to you, this fine mind of mine is going Hutch stood and wacked him on back of the the scrambled eggs route, time he’s finished head. with me.” “Hey, there’s no need to resort to violence,” “Think anybody’d know the difference?” Starsky protested. Starsky asked, patting him on the back. Huggy “Violence is always something to resort to frowned. when I’m with you.” “Pay no attention to this clown,” Hutch said, “Where you going?” patting Huggy’s other shoulder. Huggy’s frown “I got something to check on,” Hutch’s settled deeper. voice floated back. “Fish,” said Starsky. “I’m the clownfish, Starsky laughed in his root beer and got up you’re the anemone.” to change the channel on the TV. He jumped “Whatever,” Hutch groused.

when a knock came on the door, then detoured ~oOo~ and answered it, letting Huggy into the room. “’Bout time, Hug. I been here so long Hutch has “Look, Starsky, this has been planned for actually deluded himself into thinking I like six months. Your mother would never forgive spending all my time with him.” you. And you know you wanna go. How else “You ain’t foolin’ nobody. I said it before, I are you gonna find out if Uncle Gilbert’s still say it again: you’re the pea, he’s the pod—the drinking like a fish? And what about Cousin

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 45 Ethel—did she finally push the grocer boyfriend grabbing the guy’s hands and placing them flat into a trip down the isle?” on the table. His head pounded and the fidgeting Starsky was wide-eyed. “How did you know grated on his nerves. He just wanted the hell out all that?” of there. Wanted to go home, out of the heat and “You told me. The Starsky Family Tales, as get some sleep, maybe. It’d been a long day. rambled on by, oh excuse me, narrated by Dave The man’s name was Miguel Rodriguez, Starsky. See, I do listen. When there’s nothing and Hutch had brought him in earlier that day. It better to do and nowhere for me to hide.” Hutch had all started with a call to the police about a grinned a little, patting his own stomach in a fight, the caller having stated that a man and self-satisfied way. woman were “about to kill each other” in the “Well look who ate all his Wheaties this apartment next door. Hutch was a couple of morning. This ain’t no jokin’ matter, Hutch, so minutes away from the address, so he’d pipe down, wouldya? ’Sides, we both know responded. It turned out that the woman was how helpless you are without me.” flying high out of her mind on coke, screaming “I’ll manage. You keep going all protective in Spanish and waving a gun. on me like this and I’ll think you’ve got the hots And then the boyfriend, Miguel here, not for me.” too bright, had shouted back at the woman and “I keep tellin’ you to keep your fantasies to in general escalated the fight. Hutch and a blue yourself.” uniform who’d also responded to the call “This dependency you have on me is bad for crashed through the door. Hutch talked the you. You’ve got to force yourself to let go woman down and then they’d called an before it’s too late, pal. Before you know it, ambulance for her. She was completely you’ll be refusing to ever leave town without unmanageable. He practically had to sit on her me. Never see your mother again.” until the ambulance got there. “Why did that sound like a threat?” The reason this moron sat in the “Go forth, mingle with many Starskys,” interrogation room now had nothing to do with Hutch said, waving his arms around. “Have fun. the fight between him and his hopped up I’ll miss you unbelievably, but I will survive. girlfriend. It was because of the collection of You have my word on it.” pharmaceuticals in the apartment. As a matter Starsky looked irritated, and beneath that, of fact, a line of coke had been laid out on the still uncertain. “You’re just a laugh a minute this morning. Try not to leave the imprints of coffee table all nice and neat when Hutch and your boot heels on my ass when I head out the the uniform had crashed through the door. And door.” now Miguel and his highflying companion were Hutch grinned and then sobered, looking in serious trouble. into his partner’s eyes. “If I really need you, “So, Miguel, you were busted once before you’re just a phone call away. Right?” for possession. Now with the amount of stuff Starsky stared at him a long moment. you had in the apartment, we know you’re on “Right,” he finally mumbled. Hutch smiled at the selling end. Trying out for the big leagues, him again. huh? All that dope lying around, and Maria, busy sampling the merchandise. Not too smart.” ~oOo~ “What do you want from me?” Miguel yelled. His hands shook. The man was small and dark, and he The heat and the headache, the irritation all fidgeted in the bright whiteness of the came together in a rush and Hutch grabbed the interrogation room. Hutch sat down, considered guy’s shirt, yanking him up close.

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“I want to know where you got the stuff and fear in the hearts of New York City residents as I want to know now, or you’re going down for we speak. Now tell me who did this to you?” some serious time.” “Bad news is what did this,” muttered Miguel squirmed and sweated. Finally he Huggy, stalling. He shook his head and looked said, “And what do I get if I talk?” down at the table before him. “Some days I Hutch shook him, knowing he’d better get a know I definitely got the short end of the stick grip on his temper but losing the battle. At that with you guys. This is one of them.” particular moment, he didn’t give a rat’s ass, not “Who did this, Hug? Why?” Hutch’s lips with his head pounding viciously and his thinned. stomach queasy from the heat. “You’ll get Huggy sighed. “Angel and some of his better than you deserve if you’ve got anything goons. He jumped me out back in the alley.” to deal with that I’m interested in. It’s your last Hutch raised a brow at the use of the chance, scum. Talk.” nickname, but didn’t comment. “Okay. Now Miguel’s shoulder’s slumped. “I’m not why? I wanna know everything you know about going down for serious time. I can’t go back to this guy.” lock-up again.” He rubbed a shaking hand over “Who’s the cop here anyway? ’Scuse me, I his face. “I must be crazy. With any luck, you’ll didn’t have my note pad out when he was be the one that gets dead for it, though,” he said, hammerin’ on my face. The man likes to put the and turned to face Hutch with a hateful smile. hurtin’ on.”

“Who’s he fronting?” ~oOo~ Huggy sighed. “The rumor on the street is

that a dude named Castillo’s pumping up the Hutch pulled to the curb, switched off the engine and got out of the car. A tall man with drug trade. Trying to impress his mob pals. dark hair and eyes walked out of the door to That’s all I know—that and that the The Pits, holding the door politely as Hutch neighborhood is sinkin’ fast. And I’m going walked inside. Hutch nodded and made his way down ahead of it if you keep coming at me with to the bar. He turned, scanning the room and its more questions.” patrons as he waited. “This Alejandros put the fear of God in you, “What can I get you?” asked the bartender, huh?” Hutch said, not really a question. and Hutch turned to face him. “Yeah, well, normally, I’d deny it with “Huggy, if he’s around.” The man nodded righteous indignation. But . . . you didn’t see and turned away, and Hutch waited some more. him in action. I just . . . ” Huggy shook his A moment later Huggy came out of the back, head. “He comes across real pleasant as he’s craning his neck as he peered around the bar. bustin’ on you. He’s a psycho, Hutch, all right? Hutch took in Huggy’s appearance, eyes He had a message, and I’m his messenger boy, widening as he drew closer. The Bear’s left eye sent out to deliver a warning to the was a nasty shade of purple, swollen shut. neighborhood in general and the cops—that’d “Nice. What happened, one of your be you, specifically—that the kid gloves are off. girlfriends beat you up again?” he asked. Look, I’ll do anything I can for you and Huggy made a face at him, then grimaced in Starsky, you know that, but do me a favor—you pain at the movement. “Where’s your other and believe the warning, or at least believe me. He’s may I add much better half?” a bad dude. Be careful. Be all kinds of careful.” Hutch slid into a booth and gestured Huggy “Yeah. Yeah, will do.” Hutch stared off into into the opposite seat. “Big family reunion space, thinking. going on this week. The Starskys are striking “So when’s your partner due back?”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 47 No answer. Huggy snapped his fingers in The guy at The Pits. Held the door open. the detective’s face. “Yo. Blondie.” Why the hell didn’t Huggy tell me? Hutch “Oh . . . uh, he’ll be back Monday. Flying thought, looking at the tall man. Alejandros. He back in over the weekend.” Hutch gestured at put his Walkie-Talkie to his lips and spoke the swollen eye. “Take care of that, Hug.” quietly. “Get ready to move.” “You just take care of yourself.” Alejandros moved forward, taking the box that was passed to him. He began to open it. ~oOo~ “Police! Freeze!” Hutch yelled, stepping out from behind his cover. All around him, men It was dim in the old warehouse, the only separated from the shadows and rushed to the light coming through a few windows high up, center of the room. close to the ceiling. It smelled bad. A dank, The bald man’s hand moved, and Hutch moldering smell. Hutch wrinkled his nose and fired in the air. “I said freeze!” Hutch tried not to sneeze. He waited, as did all the rest commanded. As the weapon cleared his jacket, of the cops sprinkled around the place. Hutch fired again, and the man’s body flew back into a stack of old boxes. Gunfire blazed Miguel had spilled his guts and given up a through the warehouse. One of the cops took a couple of names higher up on the drug supply hit in the leg, but after that the two remaining chain. Hutch had scored gold with Jose Alvarez, men in suits were taken down. The two flank who’d told him the time and place of men were also apprehended, but Alejandros and Alejandros’ next scheduled meet with his the other had disappeared into the shadows, supplier. abandoning the drugs. Hutch went after them, Hutch checked his watch. The exchange but they were just gone. should be going down any time now. He peered carefully around the dusty wooden crates he hid behind and saw nothing, but he heard ~oOo~ something. Footsteps. Coming closer. He heard someone murmur. Then more footsteps, Hutch headed out of the back door of The approaching from the opposite direction. Hutch Pits to his car. Huggy and he had had a talk. At withdrew behind the crates, then peered first Hug denied knowing Alejandros was at the between them to the men gathering in front of door as Hutch left the day before, but finally him. On the left, two men, dark, Hispanic, admitted the truth. Alejandro had told Huggy flanked by two others. The tall one looked he’d be waiting outside, watching Hutch, to familiar. insure that the message was received. If Hutch Three men approached opposite, wearing came out looking for him, he’d shoot him down suits and ties. “Doing some good business,” in the street. said the bald one. “You got my brother’s It was hard to get angry at the Bear, who attention. So try not to fuck it up.” One of his even after he’d gotten busted up tried to keep companions laughed. his friend’s ass out of a sling. Huggy had The tall Hispanic smiled agreeably while the shrugged, saying, “Starsky would have killed shorter man spoke. “Tell your brother this is me if I let you get shot.” just the beginning.” He handed over a pouch, Hutch opened the car door and sank down in and the bald man pulled out the corner of a very the seat, thinking. Nobody wanted to talk today. large wad of cash. Hell, not on any day, not since Alejandros and He nodded. “Nice.” He gestured to one of the shadowy figure holding the puppet strings his men. “”Give him what he’s here for.” behind him flooded the street with their drugs

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and their presence. It was frustrating, but his anticipated an extreme reaction from him usual sources had evaporated like a creek in momentarily. His stomach knotted in sick drought. They were governed by fear. The anticipation. success of such a total lock-down on the streets Another pair of hands pulled his left arm out was impressive in a very bad way. straight, then fumbled with the cuff of his shirt Alejandros’ boss retained control for now, and rolled it up. Folded up tight in a corner of but without the new supplies he’d attempted to his brain, an unwanted memory began to unfurl, buy last night, he’d dry up and blow away—if and he struggled to control the fear that grew as his mob pals didn’t get him first for blowing the well. deal. Somehow Hutch had to keep him from Think. How many men were in the room? getting more drugs. Maybe it was time to lean How many did it take to hold one cop against on Alvarez again. He was a regular font of his will? information. He was also under protection, so It was a natural if futile response to try and Hutch knew how to get to him. turn his head to see what they were doing to The radio came to life. “Zebra 3, come in.” him, but the arm beneath his chin was Hutch sighed and leaned across the seat. He unyielding. There was a charge in the air, a unhooked the mike, spoke into it. “Zebra 3.” thing he felt with some unknown sense, “Hutchinson,” Dobey’s voice came over the prickling the hairs at the back of his neck. Like speaker. “Get your tail in here. Miguel sharks cruising in a circle, murderous and Rodriquez is dead.” mindless. Panic climbed the back of his throat. Hutch picked up his feet, fast, about to Something sharp pressed, then punctured swing them into the floorboard. He caught the vein at the tender inside of his elbow. His movement from the corner of his eye. The whole body jerked in protest. His mind parking lot had been empty when he’d exited screamed, a siren of panic The Pits. —a goddamned needle Godno— His hand was on his gun, pulling it from his and a hand tangled in his sweaty hair, holster, but it was too late. Something hit him yanking his head backwards, so far back that he hard on the side of his head. His ears rang. A could barely swallow. His body strained against dark curtain fell over his eyes. His grip on the the hands holding him back and his limbs shook gun relaxed and fell away. with tension, but they held him still enough that the needle stayed buried in his flesh. He went wild, imagining the crawling death in his veins. ~oOo~ And beneath the aversion, like a snake awakening, stretching to awareness, were the He sat bound to a chair. His eyes opened on hated physical memories of languor and a blackness. A hood covered his head. Someone numbing peace. touched his wrist, fingers gliding around the He went boneless, sagging forward against back to the knob of bone there. He tried to jerk the rope that bound him. The fear faded to a his arm away but it couldn’t go anywhere. The hollow echo, dried up and floated away. A touch slid up his forearm, ruffling the fine blond man’s voice came to him, low, pleasing. hairs. It felt like a caress. His skin crawled. Reasonable. It asked him a question. Then Something, no, someone yanked his head another. back, and then there was an arm, the crook of it Dirt and sweat and he stank and his veins beneath his chin. One strong twist to the left and and his body his head all cried out for just one his neck would snap like a pretzel. He more pop, just one more chance to feel it all understood that, and therefore that they bleed away to nothing no one matters. He

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 49 crawled and he begged and lashed out like a himself and his heroin addiction were never sullen child. Would have given them anything. enough. He’d have taken them to Jeanie’s doorstep The voice had turned out to be right. and unlocked the door. He wanted to kill it. The past came forward to mix with the Alejandros laughed, surprised. “You think present. He thought Forest and his goons had you can get high enough to hide from me? him. There’s nowhere you can go that I won’t follow. Before it was over, he’d wish it was the I’ll pull you back to awareness of what’s truth. happening anytime I want. Whether you live to remember it is another thing.” He crouched ~oOo~ down beside Hutch, his slim body coiling down into itself, and thrust his fingers into Hutch’s “Jeanie,” Hutch mumbled, crouched in his hair. He yanked it back until their eyes were corner. His head fell forward on his arms, level. He smiled and it warmed the dark eyes, though he wasn’t high anymore. He felt the sick crinkling the skin at the corners. “Before this is drawing in his veins and the sick want in his over I’ll know things about you that your head. The aches and pains were back in full mother wouldn’t dream of. How much pain you force, sinking deep into his bones. He ignored can take before your sanity leaves you. What them. He was busy trying figure out if he was part of you I can hurt the most, and still keep truly back in time or trying to buy time. He’d you conscious.” forgotten which. Alejandros made a vee with two fingers and jabbed at Hutch’s eyes. Hutch jerked back, The interrogator laughed, the sound squeezing his eyes shut. Bright flashes of red glaringly out of place in this dark room of exploded in his vision as the fingertips pushed cinderblock, old, stained with things that Hutch into the thin skin of his eyelids. Hutch strained instinctively knew not to think about. Could not away, head craning back over the edge of the afford to. “When’s the last time you felt so chair. A quick, short punch slammed into his smooth, so right? Did you miss it? Do you want exposed neck and he made a gagging, helpless more?” noise in his throat. He tried to raise his head Hutch swallowed and kept his mouth shut. again. Starsky’s face floated into his mind’s eye, Alejandros touched his fingers to the red watching him, shaking his head. mark on his neck, as if soothing it. “You like it just as much this time around, “How do you know—” Hutch said, his don’t you?” voice strained and deep. It hurt to speak. “I like it more,” Hutch said, knowing that “Some of Ben Forest’s men are still around, that would make the Starsky in his head leave. Mr. Hutchinson, and for the right price, the past And it did. Starsky turned his back and was never dies. May I call you Ken?" gone. Hutch felt himself disappearing, too. Hutch found his strength and wrenched “Gimme more.” More and more and more. away from Alejandros’ touch. “What do you Enough to drown out the taunting voice, the think you can get from me?” same voice that came to him when he was “Call me Angel.” depressed and hopeless, convinced that the “I don’t know why I’m here!” streets and the job would suck him dry and toss “Of course you do. Miguel was a nobody. him aside and that none of it was worth a shit. He didn’t have the information you had about That same voice assured him that all the the meet. He connected you to someone higher minutes and days and years he put between up. Cariddi’s brother died by your gun. All

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because some sloppy fucker blew the meet to forehead, ends down to his shoulders. The eyes save his own ass from a cop. Understand you’ve were still unreadable, so foreign in thought and killed a mob boss’s brother, Kenny. There’s no motive that Hutch could find nothing to use going back from that.” against him, though he tried very hard. “He was an idiot to show his face.” Hutch’s He kept staring anyway. It was like staring voice was ragged. at a two-headed snake. Alejandros surprised him by nodding. “I Every move the man made to hurt him came agree. How’s this—suppose you tell me who with no warning. He’d been kicked in the knee gave you the info and I’ll let you die without (agony), punched in the chest (breathless, too much pain. Quite a sacrifice on my part.” stunned, but no major after-effects), and then Alejandros smiled. It was a friendly smile, a groped—quick and shocking, the pain so good smile, white, a deep groove down the enormous that he’d screamed. He’d sunk into curve of his cheek showing. It made him pretty. the corner, hands tied behind his back, “Because what I really want is to make you nauseated and coldly furious. hurt.” There should be some indicators as to what Hutch looked into the brown eyes, trying to the guy was going to do next: muscle tension, or see the connection between that smile and the anger, anticipation, or the pleasure that he took words. from pain. Something in his face, or at least a Alejandros drew closer. He exhaled, a small shift of the eyes before he moved to strike. But puff of air breezing over Hutch's face. Hutch the man held himself eerily still. There was very jerked away. "I want to watch your reaction, little lead into when he decided to move, or breathe it in. See your eyes go wide, whites “make a point” as the bastard called it. showing all around the blue, seeing nothing but “Who told you about the drug deal, amigo?” your own pain. Your agony will slide over my The voice was low and impersonal, yet there skin like the finest lover . . . sink inside. It's was warmth to it. If someone on the street spoke incomparable, Ken." to you in this tone, you’d think he was pleased Hutch’s head buzzed white noise in a confused mix of anger and fear. I gave them to meet you. Jeanie. Before. It won’t happen again, can’t let Hutch had nothing, could find no clue that it. might help him find a way to deal with Alejandros saw it in his eyes. “I didn’t think Alejandros. He gave up and stared at the floor. you’d talk. Not yet. We’re going to spend a lot “You don’t want to go through this. There’s of time together—until your strength gives out, no way out. You’re not a cop here in this room, or anyway. I'm going to be more important to you even a human. I control everything you do. You than anyone else ever has. The one person who can’t eat, you can’t move, you can’t take a shit can save you . . . or make you wish for death.” unless I allow it.” “You’ve got a high opinion of yourself.” “This is shit. You know who he is, you’ve Hutch spoke through the dry cotton that was his already killed him.” Hutch had to clear his mouth. throat to make the words come out. Almost Alejandros smiled and said, “We’ll see.” before he finished, his head crashed back into the wall. He righted it and nearly smacked his ~oOo~ forehead into the side of Alejandros’ face, come close enough that Hutch could count the “Who told you about the transfer?” individual hairs of his eyelashes and brows. Hutch stared up at Alejandros from his Alejandros smiled. “I killed the first link in corner. He was very tall from where Hutch your chain. Now I want the man who fingered squatted, and his hair swept away from his the meet, Mr. Hutchinson.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 51 “There’s no chain, Alejandros—” and the His face was dead white, eyes rolled up into man squatted. Hutch scrabbled deeper into his his head. corner. His nuts were again squeezed brutally. Alejandros slapped Hutch’s face. “Answer Hutch held back the scream but not the low, me, amigo.” keening sound. He couldn’t seem to stop that. The man, no, the boy, cringed, begged him “I can make them burst like over-ripe fruit, not to be mad. The voice was lost in the dark. did you know that?” The anger that had filled him moments ago Hutch’s body pushed, wedged, strained back and found a savage satisfaction in smashing the into its corner, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t boy into the wall was gone, so suddenly it left escape. him disoriented. He struggled to come down off the anger, intense as any drug. Sitting down, he ~oOo~ stared into the darkness and crashed to a low of sadness and regret for this boy murderer. And That evening, Alejandros came with another for Abby, who was hurt because of the boy and round of fine smack and jammed it into his because of him. veins. It felt like it rushed straight to his heart, Someone grabbed his arm and pressed in at the way it slowed and smoothed him down. He the wrist, counting. Dragged an eyelid up to dreamed dreams of swirls and color and the face peer into the blank pupil. “You gave him—he’s of someone he used to love but could no longer had too much.” remember. “What?” Alejandros sounded stunned. He lay on the floor, arms flung wide, staring “He’s OD’d. Should I try to save him?” up to where the ceiling should be. There was no “You let him die and you’ll answer to bed, no mattress. Only a metal pan. Alejandros Castillo. But first to me.” had decided to let him take a crap without They picked his body off the floor and having to ask. Today. carried him off to another room where the A hood covered his head, a prison of doctor had watched other men and women ride blackness that touched his face intimately. He the edge. The doctor put more needles in his couldn’t get away from it. He breathed through arm. He didn’t feel it. it, breathed in the stale smell of his own sweat Alejandros spoke into his ear. “Amigo?” and blood. His scent. The hood was becoming a No answer. part of him. It didn’t bother him at all at the The boy called out to him. “Don’t go away. moment. Artie?” He stared blindly upwards, more images And he’d answered, had been Artie for him. floating up from his memories and swarming “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He the darkness. brought his head to rest against the wall in the You hurt Abby. darkness. He flung Tommy against the wall, then And then Starsky came and turned on the again, down onto the mattress of the narrow light. bed. Tommy called out to him. Called him Artie, But here the light had died, and there was no as if he couldn’t see the face in front of him. He Starsky to flip a switch and flood the room with remembered gripping the hair at the top of brightness like he always did when Hutch Tommy’s head, pulling back to hit him. needed it. There was only darkness, forever Tugging. Something trying to disturb his fall darkness. Maybe it was too late. Maybe he was down a dark tunnel. Pulling at his arm. past needing the light. “Ken?” Murmuring in his ear. A hand stroked his The mask was ripped off. cheek. “You will live.”

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A pause. And he still dreamed of the heroin, of getting “Live.” high. Old habits die hard. The want wasn’t physical, though. They hadn’t hooked him. ~oOo~ His arms were always weak from being held back behind him for so long, and even the dim He was allowed to eat untied and without light thrown by the lone overhead bulb hurt his the hood, though there was never any set time eyes when the mask was first taken off. Though for meals. It could be half a day apart, a day, he didn’t care, shit. At least he could see. two . . . time wasn’t something he knew about “Do you play poker?” asked Alejandros. with any certainty. There were no windows and Hutch concentrated on the flavor of the no clocks. Just gray, scarred cinderblock, and a sandwich in his mouth, on the cool water concrete floor with a drain in the middle. washing down his throat. He took his time, No more drugs. Alejandros was scared chewing up the last bite. When he was done, he shitless by what almost happened. It made looked at Alejandros. “What the fuck is this Hutch smile. place? Where is it?” The son-of-a-bitch. “You want to play?” And all it took was his own near-death. That “How many people are here?” and the fact that he had yet to give up the name “We’re talking poker, Ken.” that Alejandros sought. Hutch laughed, but there was no humor in it. Alejandros sat across the room in a metal “What do I have that you can’t already take?” fold-out chair, watching him. Hutch ate his “That’s not the point. I think you’ll be an sandwich and drank his water, ignoring intelligent opponent.” Alejandros’ gaze. “And if you win?” What do you really Hutch lay in a different room for two days want? Hutch studied Alejandros. after the OD, though he hadn’t been conscious The brown eyes were mild, expectant. “As for most of it. When he did wake, one of the you said. There’s nothing of yours I need, first things he noticed was that he was on an except the one thing you haven’t given me. But actual by-God mattress atop a small metal bed you will, and it won’t be because of a poker frame. It felt like heaven after sleeping on cold game.” concrete. The second thing he noticed was that there Hutch knew he shouldn’t agree to anything was another bed across from his, but empty. the man proposed, but he was tired of darkness, And there were shelves for bandages, bottles, a tired of thinking of the stains on the few medical supplies on one cinderblock wall. cinderblock. He was tired of wondering when A man whose voice he remembered from down Starsky was coming for him, afraid of the hope in the tunnel came to check on him fairly the thought gave him. Afraid that Starsky would frequently. His name was Dr. Montoya. He never find him. didn’t know if the man was an actual M.D. “Have you decided?” On the second day, Hutch was sent back to Hutch tipped his head back and drank down his room. Alejandros hadn’t touched him since. the last of the water. He regarded Alejandros, He was glad, yet he knew that this was only then sighed, a small exhalation. “Sure.” a holding pattern, and at times, lying in this bare Alejandros smiled and pulled a deck of room with the hood resting against his cards from the back pocket of his black jeans. overheated skin and his wrists pulled together He walked across the room, folded down to sit behind his back, he wished for something to across from Hutch, and began shuffling with a happen. The waiting screwed with his mind. careless ease. Hutch watched the long fingers,

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 53 and then brought his eyes up to Alejandros’ Alejandros wrapped an arm around the face. Alejandros smiled. woman from the back. His hand crossed over “Seven card stud?” her chest, resting near her heart. He pressed her Hutch shrugged and watched the cards. back into his body, and Robin’s cough ripped from her lungs. Every breath was a labored ~oOo~ wheeze. “Ken?” Alejandros said. His voice had gone The hood came off and his hands were low, calm. freed. Alejandros smoothed Hutch’s hair, “Angel. Look, Angel, she needs medicine.” standing in blonde tufts all over his head. “I have it. But I won’t give it to her. None of “Hungry, I’m hungry.” Hutch blinked hard, them gets medicine unless I allow it.” looking up at him, trying to force his blurry Alejandros pressed harder, and the woman’s eyes to adjust. It had been twenty-four hours chest rose and fell heavily, struggling. since he’d eaten. Hutch opened his mouth to say something, “I know. But first I have something for you. anything to distract Alejandros from hurting her A roommate.” again. “Who—who are you talking about? Who Hutch blinked more and looked down, is ‘them’?” rubbing his wrists. “What?” “Did you think you were the only one held “A roommate, I said. Tell him your name, here?” muchacha,” and Alejandros stepped aside. A Hutch took two long steps across the room woman with dirty blonde hair was pushed and slammed a fist into Alejandros’ face. It felt forward by a guard. She was a large woman in damned fine. His other fist was already arcing her forties wearing a dust-streaked black skirt upwards for a follow-up as Alejandros rocked and a light sleeveless shirt. Her arms were back, holding Robin to him. Her eyes were bruised and the skin sagged, almost baggy, as if closed and her skin was the color of a dirty she’d recently lost weight in a hurry. sheet. Hutch was sure she had, if she’d been here Hutch’s fist trembled over Alejandros’ face. for any length of time. “Where is it?” She stumbled into the space Angel had “I have it. You get it from me before I’m vacated. “Robin,” she said. It seemed as if she ready and I’ll kill her.” couldn’t get her breath. “Give it to her!” Hutch shouted. “She’s sick,” Hutch said accusingly, and Blood flowed from Alejandros’ nose, down touched her arm. “I’m Ken Hutchinson. Tell me into the vee of his lip and over. He licked it. what’s wrong?” “She’ll pay for every blow you land.” “Asthma,” she said, and gave an odd stretch of the lips meant to be a smile. It highlighted “Why is she here?” he demanded. rather than covered her fear. She coughed and it “Robin knows her purpose. Ask her if you sounded deep as a gong. like.” Alejandros let the woman go. His left “Alejandros—” hand snaked around Hutch’s wrist, still raised “What’s my name, Kenny?” Alejandros and trembling. Robin leaned against the wall, interrupted. His face stilled and quieted, an concentrating only on breathing. absolute, fanatical depth of focus transforming “Ken. You are only what I want you to be, his face. It meant violence. It fell over the man as is she. You are less than nothing. I am your like a blanket. god, and I control your lives and deaths. Today “She needs medicine.” Hutch said it I might allow you to save her. Do you want to anyway. save her? She doesn’t have long.”

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Hutch’s pale marble gaze locked on deliberately, unhurried. He tried to pull away, Alejandros, his hatred like a solid wall he tried but the fingers were insistent. The shirt fell open to push into the man with his eyes and with and cool air flowed over his chest. force of will. “Angel,” he said. The man smelled faintly “Your choice, Ken.” of musk and spice. Hutch knew his scent like Not Ken. I’m Hutch. the back of his hand. Knew the sound of his Hutch lowered his gaze and moved away, footsteps and even his stillness. his step forced and brittle, as if bones snapped “Yes.” with every step. Alejandros pulled the medicine “What are you up to?” Exit holding pattern. from a back pocket. Robin frantically grasped His gut was tight. It was going to be bad. his hand holding the inhaler. He uncapped it and Alejandros had held back for too long. sprayed, administering it as gently as any parent Cold fingertips against his belly. A finger would to their child. Robin sucked it in as stroked his skin, and he jerked back. Alejandros deeply as she was able. laughed a little. The top button of Hutch’s jeans Hutch sat in the corner, watching the two of came undone, then the faint brrr of his zipper. them. The air moved, and he knew Alejandros knelt before him. His instincts were to pull away, ~oOo~ shrink down into himself and protect his nakedness, and he tried, but hands swarmed The next day someone came for him. He over him, yanking at his pants and underwear. didn’t know whom—they dragged him from the Hutch kicked out. Somebody hit him, and he room with the hood still on and his hands still went down on one knee. Then they had him bound. The voice was unfamiliar. Robin’s voice down on the floor and quickly finished stripping called after him as he left, but there was nothing him. he could say to reassure her. The hood came off last, but as usual He was told to walk, and nudged on the everything was blurred. He blinked furiously. shoulder when he was supposed to change He saw three figures before him and as his direction. Once he stumbled and instead of the vision cleared, one of them left—the guard blow he expected, his shirt was grabbed in who’d brought him here. Dr. Montoya was here, between the shoulder blades and pulled tightly, and Alejandros. steadying him. Hutch looked up and around. Row upon row It felt like a long walk. He began to hear of egg cartons were attached as lining on the sounds drawing closer. Someone was gagging. walls—a crude form of soundproofing, Hutch Then they threw up, and a terrible stench filled guessed. Two narrow steel bed frames lay his nose, making him flinch. He heard a curse, against the wall at an angle. And Dr. Montoya the sound of a blow, and then sobbing. held something— Something in Hutch’s chest did a slow flip-flop. Hutch looked away. His knees were weak. He wanted to help and he couldn’t. He He swallowed hard, clenching his teeth, and struggled to control his anger and his grief, tried to hold on. knowing it was a hindrance in this place. He Wherever he was at and regardless of the tried not to be afraid, instead concentrating on original intent for which this place was built, it gathering his strength and centering himself. was now a place of torture. It was hard to wrap He was shoved to his right, and he stumbled his mind around the fact that there could be along trying to keep his balance. He heard a such a place. Not here, not in California. door close behind him. Then fingers were on the Or maybe it wasn’t so hard to believe, not buttons of his shirt, unbuttoning them really. Crazy people did crazy things, and he’d

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 55 seen a lot of it in his years as a cop—men who Alejandros touched the live wires to the bed believed that aliens tried to get to them through frame. radio waves, and fanatics who believed in one Hutch’s world went up in a noiseless flare. man enough to commit any crime, no matter The steel rattled in time with his straining body. how heinous. Alejandros wasn’t insane in the Angel broke the contact, and Hutch slumped on same sense as they, but he was worse. He was the frame, but only for a moment. The pole evil. And he liked it. Working for Castillo hovered over Hutch’s chest, then dipped. allowed him to indulge his sadism. Alejandros touched a nipple, and Hutch All of which meant nothing good for Hutch. catapulted into white agony, mind and body He gasped, the air leaving his lungs in a taken over by it. His muscles jittered and rush. He was soaked. Alejandros had thrown a squirmed. His heels drummed against the bed bucket of cold water over him. frame. “Ken. The picana waits.” The voice was “Who?” Alejandros’ lips barely moved. His low, calm. eyes were deep, dreaming wells, his face as Picana? Hutch forced his eyes up to watch quiet and perfect as a statue. Alejandros, who took the long wooden pole Hutch’s mouth parted. He pulled in deep, from Dr. Montoya. Two wires came out of gasping breaths. He didn’t speak. drilled holes at the end of it. The wires flailed Alejandros touched the wires to his penis, and parted as if alive. and Hutch’s mind exploded like a pack of cards Dr. Montoya pulled one of the bed frames flung up into the air, then fluttered to the down from where it was propped against the ground. The parts of him lay there, scattered, wall. The steel made a shrieking sound as the some twisted, or blank, or with pieces missing. legs scraped over the floor, and Hutch closed There was enough of him that remembered who his eyes. The doctor’s hand grasped his upper he was, and what, and tried to piece it all arm, and Hutch reacted, throwing his weight together again. into him and slamming him into the wall. Each time for a long time, Alejandros Alejandros’ voice rose in a command, and the answered with the picana. guard who’d exited the room earlier reappeared, Hutch writhed on the bed frame, his muscles barreling into Hutch, punching him in the gut. thrashing and humming against his will. Hutch doubled over and the guard cracked him Sometimes he heard screaming, but he couldn’t over the head. He nearly passed out. The doctor spare any thoughts as to who did it or why. He and the guard dragged his body over to the bed pieced himself together again over and over, as frame and lifted him onto it, lashing his wrists he was allowed, though it grew harder each and ankles to the bed. time. When the yelling wouldn’t stop and his Hutch couldn’t make his body cooperate. throat bled from it, he realized who it was, but Couldn’t move to stop them. The steel made by then it didn’t matter. He had no control over cold stripes against his back and ass and legs. any of it. So cold. Water dripped onto the floor. He no longer remembered the name that “Who told you of the meet?” Alejandros Alejandros asked him for, over and over. Time asked, his voice a low, vibrating timbre. Hutch lost all meaning before he retreated down the wondered what his voice sounded like when he tunnel again, away from the light. sang. He shivered and looked up into Angel’s still face and deep eyes, towering over him. The ~oOo~ pole lowered, and the wires danced. Hutch’s eyes fixated on them, pale and blank as a cold Sometimes he stood in the corner and leaned winter sky. his head against the wall. That way the hood

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hung out and away from his face. More fresh air floor. But she called him Ken, and Ken wasn’t crept up through the bottom and it was easier to his name anymore. Alejandros had destroyed it. breathe. “Hutch,” he said to her. His eyes never left The hood was filthy and it itched. One day hers until she nodded, repeating it. he’d scratched the hood and his face against the They’d thrown his clothes back on him, and wall until it bled. He wouldn’t have cared if it his skin hurt wherever the cloth touched. His helped, but it only made it worse in the days penis and his chest burned. It was excruciating. that followed as the dried blood flaked off. She’d touched him, trying to soothe, and He wondered how long he’d been here. he’d groaned and pushed her away. He was He’d been beaten, he’d been shocked, he’d been horribly thirsty. He’d struggled to sit up, starved. Once Alejandros had tied him and left looking for the water container that was him hanging for God knows how long. Felt like sometimes left in the room. his arms would come right out of their sockets. “No,” she’d said. “The water does A week? Two weeks? More? He didn’t something to you. People have died afterwards, know—only that it felt like he’d never not been drinking too much.” Her voice trembled, but here. He and the black hood, becoming part of there was strength below the surface. him, as were the alarming gaps in his memory. He’d tried to go after the water anyway, and Robin and Alejandros, playing cards. Angel’s almost hit her when she refused him. It made warm brown gaze, asking his questions, him sick, that he’d almost done that. In the end growing so still and focused whenever the he’d done as she asked of him. She’d allowed monster emerged. Robin’s cough in the him only sips of water at a time. darkness, and breaths that wheezed and fought Later she’d told Hutch about the people through passages like narrow straws. he’d heard on his way to the torture room. When she cried, he pressed his body next to There were currently three others held prisoner hers, lending his warmth and his support. He in cubicles at the opposite end of the building. murmured nonsense things intended to soothe. The room he was in was always reserved for Sometimes it helped. Sometimes it didn’t. someone special. Hutch was special. The day they brought him back from the Hutch grimaced. Special, right. He picana and the torture room, she told him a little scratched his face against the wall, but carefully. He didn’t want to bleed again, didn’t of her husband, James. How he’d worked for want the hood sticking. Vincent Castillo. But she still didn’t know why The first few days he’d had been here, he she was here. She guessed it had something to thought of Starsky often. It gave him hope. He do with the fact that there had been more money knew Starsky would never give up, and he of late. Lots. Maybe Jim had gotten greedy. refused to think he could fail. Starsky was the He’d bought a new car, was looking into buying lifeline back to normalcy, to friendship and job. a new house. Then one day he hadn’t come Starsky was his lifeline, period. But it grew home. Shortly after that she was taken. They’d painful as the days passed and the doubt grew asked her questions about the money. They’d larger, thinking of things he might never have asked for names and locations of people she again. knew nothing about. Like the sunlight shining rich green on the Hutch shifted, moving his head so that the plants at home, or the feel of guitar strings mask fell further away from his face. He thrumming beneath his fingers. Or Starsky’s remembered being thrown back inside the room easy, deep laugh. Even Starsky’s ridiculous that day. He was so thirsty. Robin kneeled car—all things very far away and growing more beside him as he lay sprawled out over the dream-like all the time.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 57 Hutch was weaker, both mentally and not curled, in order to give her lungs the most physically. He ate whatever they gave him, but room to expand, but she didn’t have the it wasn’t enough. His memory was shot, and his strength. Alejandros stood beside her and thoughts wandered. The blackness beneath the stretched out a long-fingered hand, and with his hood was nearly alive, an opponent that picked help she was able to get up. Then he held out a at his sanity monotonously, as did old blood that hood. had sunk into cinderblock and lived there still. Robin’s eyes flew to Hutch. Each time Alejandros freed him from the hood, “Take it,” said Angel. sooner or later his eyes strayed to the stains. He “Not mine,” she said, and Angel held her was obsessed. All the lives before him that face in his hand. ended in the same way. Did anyone ever get out “It is now.” of here? Of course not. “She can’t goddammed breathe!” Hutch Robin grew grayer, and her skin hung still yelled. The cinderblocks absorbed the sound. looser. The bruises never went away, though Alejandros said nothing, but extended the Angel hadn’t struck her since she came to stay hood so that the material touched Robin’s hand. with Hutch. Her fingers trembled as they closed over it. He turned and leaned his back against the “Angel. Please,” Hutch breathed. The word wall, surrendering to the inevitability of the hitched crazily in his chest. “Please. Don’t.” hood’s touch against his skin. Robin began to weep. Hutch’s eyes burned. He heard the door open and shut, and then “What? Is there something you want to tell Angel was there. He pulled the hood off. Hutch me, Ken? Something that might save her from waited for his eyes to begin to work again. He this?” looked at Robin, really looked at her after she Robin spoke in tiny sips of breath. “You came into focus, and he saw clearly that she can’t save me. He just wants to break you. I’m was dying. Her eyes were already dead. It was here to break you. My purpose.” only a matter of time. He felt guilty for even He couldn’t speak in the face of such utter, thinking it and wanted to say something to her unreasonable courage. to make it better somehow, but he had nothing Never never never give anyone up again. of use to offer her. Only empty promises he The words wound through his mind over and himself could no longer bear to believe. over, an eel traversing the same track it had The three of them played cards again. Hutch been on since he’d been in this place. But had started with a few coins from Alejandros wasn’t he giving up Robin by holding out? and it had grown into a small pile. It amused Shouldn’t he, if he had to make a choice, give Alejandros to hand out the change when it was up someone who played on the same field with time to play. Hutch could see the faint warmth the likes of Angel, who broke the law and took of it in his eyes. the risks? Robin coughed and coughed today. Her She saw it in the frantic way his pale eyes breath wheezed, an inversion of the gentle roved over her face. whish of the oxygen mask Hutch had worn over “No.” She gave a single, exhausted denial of his face when he’d had Callendar’s big bad what Angel asked of him, riding on a soft plague—a strangled, sucking sound, lungs exhalation of precious breath. emptying rather than filling as they should. She No. She said no. But the man whose name couldn’t keep enough oxygen in there. he refused to give Angel wasn’t worth this, When they were done playing, Robin though that had never been the point. couldn’t get up. She leaned over on rigid arms Hutch watched Robin. Her fear was gone, planted to either side on the floor, torso straight, the dead eyes were back. The necessary

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mechanics of fighting for the next breath and The door opened and light sliced over the the next and the next took her over. room. A black silhouette walked over, and a Angel never hurts her. He never helps her. hand was extended. He only watches me watch her die. “I need to stay with her. She’s very sick,” Until now. Until the hood. Hutch said. The words ripped from Hutch’s mouth, like Angel didn’t answer. Hutch had known he a knife ending the life of the man whose name wouldn’t. he spoke. “I said she needs me.” “Jose Alvarez.” The hand never wavered. He cradled Robin’s body next to his, cursing “Goddammit,” said Hutch, and heaved Angel monotonously long after he’d left the himself up. He bent down again. “I’ll be okay, room. Robin. You hear me, I’ll be okay.” His fingers rubbed her shoulder. ~oOo~ She looked at him and her eyes weren’t dead, they were big and round and scared. Not She was soft, moon-pale skin. Legs a mile for herself. He kissed her cheek, then stood to long, willowy and slim, like a colt. He buried face the devil. Angel moved his left arm fast his nose in the hair at her neck. She smelled enough to be a blur and something black flashed clean, like soap wafting on a warm breeze. He from behind his back. A strip of thin leather. He glided into her deliberately slow, taking forever slashed it around and Hutch flinched back, but to sink all the way into the smooth silk inside. too late—a thin red weal appeared almost Her breathing was ragged. She wiggled her ass, immediately on his pale cheek. Hutch stepped shifting against the mattress and hooking her forward and feinted with his left, trying to get to thighs tightly against him, trying to make him Alejandros, but he was slow, only a shadow of move faster. “No,” he breathed down at her, who he used to be. Angel grabbed his arm easily in one hand and flicked the strap, which and she made a soft, frustrated noise deep in wound around the extended arm. He pulled the her throat. He closed his eyes, liking the sound strap sharply out and to his left and Hutch was of it. turned around with his back to Angel. Angel He loved her so much. hiked the strap high in the air above Hutch's Some sound Robin made woke him. The shoulder blades. Hutch grunted when something hood had been left off since Hutch spilled the in his shoulder gave, but that was the only beans, and so the first thing he saw was her face sound he made. Robin began to crawl toward when he opened his eyes. The heat and desire him. left him, replaced by a quick, cold fear that left Angel cupped his hand around the back of him faintly nauseous. She was so damned sick. Hutch's skull and beat his head into the wall, He’d propped himself beside her, leaning on once, again, then stepped back. the wall. She couldn’t breathe, lying down. It "I told you, I told you the name!" Hutch crushed her chest. He hadn’t meant to fall gasped, blinking, trying to claw into the wall for asleep. He rubbed her arm and sang an old support. lullaby, one he used to sing to his nephew. He’d "Yeah, I know what you told me," Angel been humming it one day, trying to keep the answered. "Maybe I'll kill you in front of her, darkness of the hood from smothering him. She what do you think?" heard and liked it, remembered it from “Why?” Hutch asked, though there was no somewhere out of her own past. sense in asking. It was just a useless protest.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 59 Angel beat him and chased him down and children. He thought maybe he was afraid to ask down, into the darkness of the tunnel again. that last one, afraid of the answer. Sometimes lately Hutch wondered why he “In her house, soft and blue, though she bothered to come back out. must stay . . . ” he sang her lullaby, though his voice broke now and then. His ribs hurt with ~oOo~ each breath. She’d died while he lay there on the floor, Starsky hit him and hit him again and Hutch unconscious. Her face was frozen gray, just let him, soaking up the pain in Starsky’s unforgiving. He kept singing. eyes and claiming it for his own. Who the hell After a long while he turned from her body couldn’t see that bitch was using him, would and curled up on the floor. screw anything she pleased, anytime, no matter He slept. if Starsky had lost his mind temporarily and claimed he was in love? She’d used him, used ~oOo~ them both. Hutch showed him. He’d fucked Kira because he hurt, plain and simple. He’d been Angel threw down his hand: two pairs, hurting for a while now. He wanted to make kings and nines. Hutch smiled, though it was Starsky hurt with him. Ugly but true. nearer a snarl than anything else, and threw Fucking Kira had made him smaller, and down his own hand. “Ace high straight,” he Starsky’s face reflected that. Hutch already said. He stared at Angel and started to laugh. knew it and accepted it, but he hadn’t counted Angel’s face shuttered and closed down. Hutch on the fact that Starsky’s pain still had the ignored it and kept laughing, though it got away ability to put a knife in his own chest as well. from him—went deeper and hoarser. His arm Then somewhere along the path between hurt badly, and his ribs ached. He ignored that, Gunther and Starsky’s long, tenacious fight too. He kept laughing, watching Angel’s face back to health came a second chance to be the go quiet. friends they used to be. Hutch went for it. After all, he’d beaten Gunther, hadn’t he? And he He thought maybe Angel would kill him this had Starsky back against all the odds. time. He kept it up anyway until he was red- So he cleaned up his act—his bitterness, his faced and gasping and the pain grew like an defeat, even his looks. He got healthy again. incoming tide. He’d never forget how Starsky was there with Angel reached across to him and grasped his him and for him, every step of the way. Same as wrist and stroked it slowly. Hutch didn’t bother it was always meant to be. to pull back. The dark marble of Angel’s face Hutch swam in the twilight between the past shattered and then smoothed as a smile lit his and present. He tried to remember their face, giving it life. He shoved a pile of change victories together, earned in blood and in over the floor. willpower and in tears. There was nothing else “Looks like you won, Ken.” to hold onto. Hutch stopped laughing and looked at him, He crawled down by Robin’s side and wide-eyed and in silence. “Yeah.” He laughed wrapped himself around her, pulling her to him again and made a choking sound in the middle with his good arm. He realized he knew nothing of it all. Angel watched him a moment and then about her, really. He knew her name and her walked out of the room. husband’s name, but nothing about her politics, Hutch held his stomach with his good arm, her favorite book or movie or even if she had and the tears rolled down his face.

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~oOo~ “Oh, I don’t know,” Hutch said in a monotone. “You’re finding it awfully hard to let Starsky called to him from up above in the go, aren’t you?” light. Hutch was down in the tunnel. He couldn’t figure a way out. Somebody was there ~oOo~ with him, but she was . . . she was . . . he stroked her arm and pressed his face to her chest and The sun hit him square in the face, driving sobbed. She couldn’t be dead. There were no like spikes into his forehead. He shivered and marks on her body, though if the truth were told pulled the covers up higher around his neck, but he tried very hard not to look at her throat. the light was merciless. Groaning, he passed a Yesterday he was here with her, only hand over his brow and let his head drop back yesterday, and she was breathing. They ate to the pillow. Something caught his eye. dinner together and talked and made love His vision was blurred from sleep, but he afterwards. She’d eaten and smiled and talked looked toward the long observation window of and made love, hadn’t she, just yesterday, so his hospital room and saw . . . red? He she couldn’t be dead. squinted, trying to focus. S T A R S K, in big Hutch moaned in his sleep, hiding his face capital letters. Written in lipstick. in the crook of his good arm. Angel crouched “Starsk,” he muttered. beside him and touched his cheek gently, A hand touched his cheek. “Hutch. Oh my waking him. Hutch rubbed his eyes with the one God.” The voice was low and rasping and hand but didn’t sit up. His arm was in an almost endearingly familiar. comfortable position and he didn’t want to “I’m gonna get better. You’ll see,” said make the pain worsen. Hutch. “Stars—” he started. Began again. “Who “I know you will,” the voice said. It died?” sounded near tears. Angel looked down into the clear eyes. “You get that fucker Callendar. I intend to “Robin died.” live forever, just like in Azerbajahn. You “I know, I know. I mean, who else?” He sat know?” he asked, still sleepy, and the fingers up, wincing at the pain that radiated down his touching his face stilled. arm and the callousness of what he’d just said. “I’m here, Hutch. Now. You understand? “I don’t know. They all die.” Angel leaned Open your eyes.” over and patted the small of his back, “Didn’t think you’d ever get here.” But comforting. Hutch’s eyes stayed closed. It felt good. Hutch sighed, trying to relax. “Buddy. Hey, buddy, I’m . . . ” and the He couldn’t, though. He couldn’t remember her voice trailed off helplessly. name. How could he forget the name of I’m the clownfish, you’re the anemone. someone he’d loved and let die? Hutch frowned. Something was off. He still felt “You gave me a name,” said Angel, very cold concrete beneath him. If Starsky had quiet. “Jose Alvarez. But he’s gone. You’ve got rescued him he wouldn’t be on the ground, him somewhere, don’t you?” would he? Hutch pulled back, and his head cleared. He He opened his eyes. He was in the same gave Angel a slow smile, remembering most if damn motherfucking room. Starsky’s eyes not everything he thought he’d forgotten. stared down into his, Starsky’s beautiful, Gillian. wonderful eyes that he’d never thought to see “I’ll find him, Ken. And as soon as I know again. Starsky’s brows were knotted, like they you have nothing more to offer me, you’ll die.” got when he was upset.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 61 But if Starsky was here, lying on the floor important to you. “ He turned to Starsky. “And with him . . . goddamn it all to hell. he’s important to you, isn’t that right?” He whispered it. “Goddamn it all to hell.” Starsky rushed at Angel and threw him into “If you won’t break, Ken, maybe your the wall, driving a fist into his mid-section. partner will,” said Angel from behind him, and Angel yelled and the door flew open. A guard Hutch sat up. ran in, then another. Hutch hit the first guard, “Hutch? What’s wrong with your . . . how who turned and pushed him. There was long has your arm been like this, huh? Looks contempt and maybe a little pity on his face. like your shoulder’s dislocated.” Hutch got to The ground swung up to meet Hutch, and he his feet, and Starsky followed, putting a hand landed on the bad arm. The agony was out, reaching for him. It hit on his hurt shoulder. immediate and overwhelming. Starsky’s voice Hutch moaned and the hand fell as if burned. followed but couldn’t stop him from going Then it came back and hooked him around the down the tunnel. top of the other arm. “It’s been dislocated since the evening ~oOo~ before yesterday,” Angel said. Starsky eyed Angel as if he were a roach on He’d been in and out of consciousness. He a rug, then looked back at Hutch. “You gotta let remembered knowing that Starsky was there. me check it out. Maybe I can fix it.” He remembered yelling. Something hurt— Hutch pushed the hand away from around Starsky did something that hurt him. But then it him. He turned and walked toward Angel. “You had been hurting for days. get this, Angel. You’re going to die for bringing When he came to and moved his arm, he him here.” realized the joint had been popped back in “Hutch. Hutch!” Starsky tried to get in front place, and that Starsky had been the one that did of him but Hutch wouldn’t stop, so Starsky it. He didn’t know why Angel let Starsky fix it, moved alongside him, talking rapidly. “Listen of course, but he suspected it had something to to me, will you listen? You know Alejandros do with watching him inflict more pain on went underground here after Cariddi’s brother Hutch, even if it was for his own good. Angel took the dive. Castillo lost some mojo, some would have enjoyed the show. The bastard. connections. Got people pissed off. I busted his Starsky lay next to him, and his hands were operation wide open, and his boys tried to keep tied behind his back. Starsky hadn’t known if he me from takin’ him in. He’s dead. Couldn’t find was alive or dead since his disappearance, and Alejandros and when I did, he got to me first.” now his body touched Hutch’s all along the Starsky turned to Angel. “You lost it, length of him as if to reaffirm his partner was Alejandros, hiding out here.” still alive. It felt good. Warm. Comforting. Angel stared at Starsky. The door opened, and the two guards “Yeah, go ahead and look,” said Starsky. stepped inside. Starsky’s eyes opened, and he “This nut is one coconut shy of a tree, Hutch. sat up. The guard who’d pushed Hutch earlier Dobey’ll find us. He knows all of it.” gestured at him. The pity was back in his eyes, Angel spoke to Hutch. “You clued me in and it made Hutch’s blood run cold. when you called me by your partner’s name Hutch stood. yesterday, you know. All that time and you “Where are you taking him?” Starsky never gave me anything until now. You’re demanded, standing, trying to push his body in close, closer than brothers. You expected him to between Hutch and the guards. They had to beat be there when you were hurt. He’s very him back. He wouldn’t stop fighting.

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“Hutch! Hutch!” He kept screaming it over The movies had moments of blankness, and over. Hutch heard it over the hammering of where the strip broke and the screen went white. his heart for a long time down the hallway. He Once it went blank and came back to Starsky’s held the sound of it to him for as long as he face, bending over him. Starsky touched the could, used it as a shield against what was quivering wires to his flesh. Hutch cried out at coming. the betrayal, over and over, until it was only The other prisoners were gone from the tiny another mindless scream. cubicles outside of the torture room. Hutch When the last whiteout came, he welcomed hoped they were still alive, but he was glad they it with open arms. were gone. Whatever this insanity had been, it was nearly over. He wondered if Angel could ~oOo~ feel it drawing to a close. He stepped inside the room. The egg cartons Starsky said his name over and over. lined the walls, and the steel beds were propped “Answer me. Please, answer me. Hutch! against them. There was no doctor anymore. Hutch.” He heard quick, panicky breathing. Just him, the guards, and Angel. Starsky was here? No. Angel would kill him And the picana, of course. after Hutch died. He closed his eyes when the guards took his Or would he? Hadn’t Starsky used the clothes off, and kept them closed when they tied picana on him in the torture room? him to the bed frame. Even when the cold water No, Starsky couldn’t be here. came and wetted him down, he gasped, but did He couldn’t. not open his eyes. He only opened them when He closed himself off from the voice. Angel commanded him to do it and looked up Oh God it hurt. It all hurt. into his dreaming darkness.

“Is he here to watch me die?” Hutch asked. ~oOo~ Angel watched him a minute, then nodded slowly. He wasn’t afraid of the dark anymore. But “Why, Angel?” Like a child, begging. he was tired of the light. So tired. He floated “Because you never broke. Because you off— nearly died and escaped me. Maybe because I down past the dying light, into the tunnel never got to Alvarez. Take your pick,” Angel said, and shrugged. “We’ve danced this dance darkness. He tried moving further in, but for too long, Ken. It’s got to end. I can’t allow something held him back. It made him furious. you to live. It would mean you’ve won.” He was done, all done. He pulled away, kept “It’s a house of cards, all coming down. I’ve going. already won,” Hutch answered, just before the “Hutch, goddammit, you open your eyes. wires touched him. Don’t you fucking think you can leave me.” Tattered shreds of memories exploded from His ears roared and the white light ripped out of the pain, movies of who he had been through the tunnel, ripped through the movie. playing inside his head. Of him, his parents, his When it settled the darkness was gone, and it past loves. And Starsky. Always Starsky. was quiet. He saw himself. Someone held him Starsky at Cabrillo State, holding Hutch up while he puked and shivered his way out of a when he’d been drugged. Holding him up in the heroin high. hall of his apartment when Diana had stabbed He stopped and watched. Listened to the him. voice, talking to him. Always holding him. “Don’t, Hutch. Please don’t.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 63 He took a step away. Another. Didn’t want “I love you. Please don’t go.” Starsky’s to hear. Couldn’t bear it. arms were around him. His shoulders shook. A flash of blue-white light drove away the Hutch took in a wavering breath. Starsky darkness, and the movie started again. He was looked up into his eyes, disbelieving. on the phone. Starsky was dying. The ball “How’s Cousin Ethel?” Hutch whispered, bounced, and Hutch’s heart beat faster and and Starsky buried his face in the crook of his faster until he thought it would burst. He crashed through the swinging hospital doors, partner's neck. His chest shuddered against and Starsky knew he was there. Hutch's. He lived. Outside, sirens sounded all around the Because Hutch had asked it of him. building.

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Undercurrents

By Izzie West

“Dammit,” Hutch swore, gasping for “Did you get him?” Hutch stayed breath, trying to stay as still as possible. Every motionless, waiting for an answer. movement—even breathing—hurt. “Nah. That kid moved like greased “Damn, damn, damn.” lightening. Either that or we’re showing our “Hutch? You okay?” He heard footsteps age, huh?” Starsky dismissed the punk they running towards him, then his partner’s blue had been chasing with a shrug. “Come on, pal, Adidas sneakers skidded into view. “Hey, let’s get back to the precinct. Our shift’s nearly what’s goin’ on?” over anyway.” He took several steps towards

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 65 the car before realizing he was on his own. evident from each indrawn breath that Hutch Spinning around, he looked at his partner. “Uh, was hurting. Starsky led him straight to the Hutch, what’s with the statue impersonation? bedroom and helped him carefully onto the Are you trying to…oh shit, it’s your back isn’t bed. “Let’s get you more comfortable,” he said, it? What happened?” removing Hutch’s light jacket and reaching for His jaw tightly clenched against the pain, his holster. He left the tee shirt and pants alone, Hutch seemed hardly able to speak. “I was but pulled off his shoes and then helped his chasing him and my foot skidded on some friend lie down, supporting most of his weight trash. I must have twisted something trying not as he lowered him onto the mattress. Then he to fall. Give me a minute, it’ll ease up.” pulled up a chair, sat down next to his partner, “Yeah, sure. Come on, let’s get you in the and glared at him. car.” Taking Hutch’s arm, he tugged gently but “Okay. Now you’re lying down, tell me stopped as he met resistance. what’s going on here. You know you should “Don’t.” Hutch’s face was pale and get this checked out. What if that guy had strained, every muscle locked into place as if to pulled a gun on you instead of running, huh? contain the pain. How would you have gotten away when you “You can’t stay here, pal. Look, lean on me can’t move a muscle by yourself?” as much as you can, huh?” “Starsky, calm down. I’ve told you, I’ll be Very slowly, Starsky was able to get Hutch fi—” moving. He heaved a sigh of relief as they “Yeah, and that’s another thing,” he reached the Torino. Propping Hutch up with snapped back. “How do you know you’ll be one arm, he got the passenger door open and ‘fine’? You taking up medicine in your spare eased his friend inside. Hutch was barely able time, huh?” to help, and it was a relief to both of them Hutch snorted in wry amusement, then when he was finally sitting in the car. Starsky winced as even that slight movement sent pain got in and shut the door gently, conscious that radiating through his body. “What spare time every jolt would hurt his partner. As he started would that be, pal?” He watched his partner for the engine, he looked across to see Hutch’s a moment, then sighed. “I just need to rest. It’ll eyes closed, mouth tight with pain. Deep frown settle down again.” lines furrowed his forehead. “I’m taking you to Memorial.” Starsky jumped up and began pacing. “No! I don’t need to go to the hospital. Just Hutch was barely able to lift his head off the get me home. I’ll be fine. It’ll wear off.” bed to watch him, but he could feel the intense “Hutch, for God’s sake, you can hardly energy crackling off the restless figure and move. I can’t take you home like this!” groaned inwardly. He was not up to this, but it “Starsk, just do it. I have no intention of looked as if he wasn’t going to get a choice. going to the hospital over this. I don’t need to “Starsky, will you sit down? You’re and I’ve told you, I’ll be fine.” making me dizzy.” “Hutch, I swear, one of these days…” but “You got something you take for this?” Starsky reluctantly reached for the radio and Hutch just blinked at him, taken aback by logged them out before altering his direction to the apparent non sequitur. Venice. The traffic was heavy and he “Pain pills of some kind,” Starsky clarified. concentrated on the road, casting occasional “Obviously this isn’t the first time this has glances at his partner as he drove. The journey happened, even if I don’t know about it, so you back to Venice had never felt so long. gotta have something to take. You don’t just lie Starsky had to help his partner out of the there and suffer, do you?” car and support him up the stairs. It was “Uh…”

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“For God’s sake, Hutch,” and before he deal. I’ll call in sick tomorrow and maybe could say anything else, Starsky had whirled Friday if I have to. By Monday I’ll be all away and into the bathroom. Hutch could hear right.” He watched Starsky, hoping he had him muttering. He understood Starsky was managed to stop the inquisition. His partner cursing the circumstances that made his partner looked back at him steadily. Hutch could see in so reluctant to take any strong pain his eyes the moment Starsky decided to let it medications. Hutch knew with his intellect that go—at least for now—and suppressed a sigh of there was little risk of awaking the need for a relief. fix that had held him briefly, but so terribly, in “I’ll call Dobey, then I’m ordering a thrall. His heart was another matter. He never, pizza.” ever wanted to go through withdrawal again, “Starsk—” and if that meant putting up with pain “Jeeze, Hutch, will you quit making such a occasionally, that was a price he was willing to fuss? I mean, look at you. How are you pay. supposed to get to the bathroom on your own The sound of the bathroom cabinet door when you can’t even get out of bed, huh? I’m opening and his partner rummaging around staying.” brought him out of his momentary reflection. Hutch knew enough to give in gracefully. Starsky returned clutching a bottle of Tylenol. In fact, if he was honest with himself, he knew “Is this the best you’ve got?” Without waiting Starsky was right. He couldn’t get out of bed for an answer, he headed for the kitchen and on his own—at least, not without rolling over returned with a glass of water. He shook a the side of the mattress and onto the floor. He couple of pills out of the bottle and handed needed help. them to Hutch, who took them without protest. He called after his partner, who was There was no point fighting Starsky over this, heading for the phone. “Hey, no anchovies, not when he was in this mood. The pills might okay?” help anyway. Accepting his partner’s help, he Starsky flicked a grin back at him and propped himself up enough to swallow the picked up the receiver. tablets. “You hungry?” ~oOo~ “No. Look, Starsk, thanks for bringing me home, but I’ll be f—I mean, you don’t need to Starsky lay on the couch, listening to Hutch stay. I’ll get some sleep and call you shifting in bed and the muffled grunts tomorrow.” accompanying each move. Frowning, he threw “No.” back the afghan and headed to the kitchen for a “What d’you mean, ‘no’? There’s nothing glass of water. In the faint light coming off the more you can do. I appreciate it, but—” street he could see the bottle of Tylenol sitting “How come you never told me your back on the counter and grabbed it. was this bad?” Keeping his movements as gentle as “Can’t a guy have some secrets?” Hutch possible to avoid jostling his partner, he sat on asked, trying to divert his partner, then sighed the edge of the bed and touched Hutch’s at the expression on Starsky’s face. “Look, it’s shoulder. “Time for more Tylenol, buddy. not like it happens a lot. And you know what Here, I’ll help you sit up.” Dropping the pills the department’s like about back problems—a into the outstretched hand, he slid his left arm few days sick leave, and the next thing you under Hutch’s neck and held the glass to his know you’re facing retirement on disability. I friend’s mouth. Once the pills were swallowed, don’t want that, and I don’t need it. It’s no big he eased Hutch back down again, noticing the

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 67 rock hard stiffness of his muscles. “Those are He felt the reaction instantly in the body gonna take a while to work. How about I help beneath his fingers. The tension was back in you roll over and give you a back rub, huh?” full force, his partner’s rib cage expanding as He wriggled his eyebrows in what he clearly he took a deep breath. thought was an alluring manner. “No funny “Hey, relax. It’s only me. I’d always business, I promise.” assumed you had some old sports injury or There was silence, and Starsky was aware something, maybe from when you were in high of a strange quality to it, almost as if Hutch school. How did it really happen?” was bracing himself for something. The “Starsk, what difference does it make? It atmosphere between them had suddenly happened, okay, and I have to live with the shifted, the way it sometimes did when they consequences.” were about to go into a dangerous situation. Starsky’s hands didn’t stop their gentle The edge of fear could make everything seem motion, but mentally he froze. There was brittle and too bright. Despite the darkness of something more to what Hutch had said than the hour, and the quiet of the apartment, met the eye. What…? something was unnerving his partner. Badly. “What ‘consequences’, Hutch?” Starsky could no more ignore it than he could “Starsky.” It was almost a growl, and the watch Hutch walk unknowingly into a trap. ‘keep-off’ tone had scared off many a street “Hutch?” punk. But Starsky was no street punk. “Uh…yeah, a back rub might feel good.” “Look, pal, whatever this is about, you He struggled to raise himself on his elbows and might as well tell me. Neither of us is going to roll over onto his front. Starsky clutched an get any sleep until the Tylenol kicks in anyway, so how about I just keep right on with arm to help him. Although Starsky had what I’m doing and you start talking, okay?” suffered many injuries during his years as a Hutch was silent, and Starsky was just drawing cop, he had never had back problems. Looking breath to try again when he heard a faint at the shape Hutch was in, he found it hard to murmur. believe that he’d be back to normal any time “What was that, buddy?” soon. It hurt to see his partner so incapacitated. “I hurt my back when I was a kid, okay? I “You want to take the tee shirt off before I did something really stupid.” start?” Starsky counted to ten in his head while “I don’t think I can get my arms above my head. Can’t you just roll it up?” deciding which of the several questions that “Okay.” Starsky pushed the fabric up his sprang to mind he should ask first. He should partner’s lean torso, easing the rigid body up have known this was gonna be like pulling slightly so the tee shirt lifted at the front and he teeth. could reach Hutch’s neck. His hands moved “How old were you?” gently up and down Hutch’s back, feeling “Eight, I guess. Yeah, eight.” tension emanate in a solid mass from his “And this happened at home, did it?” partner. He concentrated for a few minutes on “Summer camp.” creating a soothing rhythm, making it clear Starsky’s hands stuttered for a fraction of a with each soft sweep of his hands that he second before resuming their soothing motion. would not exert any pressure beyond this light “Eight,” he repeated, keeping his voice level touch. As Hutch relaxed a little, he couldn’t with an effort. “Your folks sent you to summer help blurting out, “How did you hurt your camp when you were eight? I didn’t even know back?” they’d take kids that young.”

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“Some did. ’Specially if they were paid head level with Hutch’s. “Look at me. Look at extra by parents who didn't want to be bothered me, Hutch.” by their kids during summer vacation. Of Painfully, Hutch turned his head to look at course, being the youngest by more than a year his partner. Starsky gave him a gentle smile. meant I was left to myself a lot. I mean, they “That’s right, Blondie. Now listen to me, and I made sure I was there for all the activities, but mean listen, with your head, not your heart. no one wanted to pal up with the camp baby.” You were eight, right?” Hutch barely nodded, The bitterness was unmistakable, and Starsky’s but at least his eyes remained on Starsky. “Are imagination flashed on an image of a small, you telling me that if we were called to a crime tow-headed boy, lonely amidst a crowd of kids. scene where an eight year old boy had done “How long were you there?” something dumb—like, I don’t know, got hold “I came back after about three weeks, but I of a gun his dad left lying around—you’d hold was in the hospital for a few days after I left the kid responsible? Huh? ’Course not. Most camp.” eight year olds can’t even cross the road safely. Starsky swallowed painfully. The stress in They sure as hell aren’t to blame if something his friend’s voice was palpable, and he half goes wrong. You know that.” regretted bringing up the subject. But now he Hutch’s expression didn’t change, although had, he knew he had to get the whole story out Starsky was relieved that he didn’t look away. of his partner or Hutch would close up tighter “You make it sound so simple, Starsk, but—” than ever. It would be impossible to get him to “Hutch, whatever happened, you need to talk about this again. look at this from an adult perspective, not a “What happened?” Consciously gentling kid’s. Remember what Cal and Rosie were like his voice, he hoped to ease his partner’s when they were eight? Cal got up to some tension enough to enable him to continue. pretty silly stunts, but did Dobey ever blame him? I mean, really make him feel bad? Hutch, however, stayed silent. “C’mon, ’Course he didn’t. When Cal did something partner, talk to me,” he urged. “Whatever wrong, he made sure he knew about it, but he happened can’t get any worse by talking about didn’t lay a big guilt trip on him. I know your it. It might even help. Just tell me.” parents were pretty strict, but you were only “Look, Starsk, I was the lucky one, okay?” eight. Surely they couldn’t blame you? For the words were almost snarled. “Two kids at God’s sake, they should have been looking out that camp never got to go home. A bad back is for you, not packing you off to summer camp the least I deserve for what happened to them.” in the first place!” Starsky’s indignation was so “You trying to tell me you were fierce that Hutch’s expression lightened a little. responsible for two kids dying?” Starsky could “My head knows you’re making sense, hardly get the words out. He would never in a Starsk, but...look, all I knew was that I was million years have guessed at something like with those two kids when they died, and there this. was nothing I could do to save them. If only I “Yeah,” spat out his partner. “Two kids could have done something….” his voice died because of me.” He sunk his head into his trailed off. Starsky got off the floor and sat folded arms. “God, Starsky, why d’ya have to carefully on the bed next to his friend. “C’mon, make me talk about this? Nothing is ever going let’s you get turned over so you’re on your to make that right. Look, you need to get outta back, and then you can tell me exactly what here, right now. Go home.” happened, okay?” “No way am I leaving.” Starsky stopped Hutch regarded him for a moment, then the massage and crouched down on the floor, nodded slightly.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 69 ~oOo~ anyone’s way, they resented his presence. Why else would they be so mean to him? The thin, serious looking boy bent low over It started with small stuff—bugs in his bed, the rope in his hand, struggling to remember his clothes tossed around or hidden. He wasn’t the instructions for tying a simple reef knot. He used to it. He had no brothers or sisters. But he looked up in triumph, the sun catching his had heard enough about summer camps from white blond hair, but the smile faded as he kids at school to know that this kind of thing realized there was no one there to share his was fairly common, so he tried to ignore it. It success with. Oh yes, he was surrounded by a was harder to ignore the teasing, but after a group of other boys at the camp, but they were few long nights he hit on a good idea. He’d all at least two years older and not at all slunk out of bed as soon as he could and interested in a ‘little kid’. In fact, most of them vanished into the woods around the camp. The made it only too clear that he could drop off twilight rustlings from the surrounding trees the face of the planet as far as they were didn’t bother him half as much as what was concerned. It hadn’t occurred to them, and if it inside the cabin. He snickered quietly to had they wouldn’t have cared, that he wanted himself, thinking how much worse the wildlife to be there about as much as they wanted him was inside the camp than outside. there. He had been camping with his grandfather No, none of them was interested in his a few times in the past, and felt comfortable achievement. out in the dark, watching the older kids and the Not that this was anything new. The eight camp counselors. Only when he felt sure year old Ken Hutchinson was used to being on everyone was asleep in their cabins did he his own, but at least at home he really was creep back to his bed and allow himself to alone. Somehow that was easier to bear than sleep. being isolated even while surrounded by other His fingers trembled as he practiced the kids. next knot. Sneaking out at night had worked, This was his second week of camp, and the but not for long. The memory of the night he days were almost bearable. The activities were had been caught seared his consciousness. designed for older kids, but he enjoyed the challenge except when he really couldn’t ~oOo~ manage them and had to be shown again how to do something. The note of impatience that he Moving silently through the quiet camp, heard in the instructors’ voices reminded him Ken headed for the cabin where he should vividly of how his father sounded when he have been asleep hours ago. Warily, he thought his son was not meeting expectations. checked behind him, then all around. He eased It made him clumsy, and slower to learn. And the door to his cabin open and stepped inside. then the other kids would whisper about him Instantly, a hand clamped tightly across his and laugh. The first week he had tried asking mouth. Struggling, he was dragged out across for help from some of the boys closest to his the camp and into the woods. His heart own age, but had soon learned not to. pounded wildly as something hard stuck into So, while the days were all right, the nights his back. A voice he recognized hissed at him. were...well, the nights were bad. Despite the “Stick ’em up, dork!” Petey was one of his bright sunlight, a small shiver shook the boy’s cabin mates, one of those who resented his thin frame as he contemplated the coming of presence most. Ken was fairly sure he was evening. He had been put in with the youngest behind the insects in his bed, and probably the campers, and even though he tried not to get in other tricks too. Petey’s sense of humor was

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pretty basic, and even in his fear Ken was not ~oOo~ surprised to see him bent over with barely suppressed laughter. Since that night, Ken’s life had been hell. “Thought you’d get away from us, didya, At every daytime activity, either Frank or Petey momma’s boy?” Frank was at least ten, taller made sure to sit next to him. Their proximity than Petey, and to the slightly built Ken he made it much harder for the younger boy to loomed terrifyingly large. concentrate on anything. His constant They did no lasting harm, at least struggles only offered greater scope for his physically, but the young and only child of the tormentors, and they seized it gleefully. wealthy Hutchinson family was unused to Eventually, one of the camp helpers noticed rough handling. Emotional coldness was part and tried talking to Ken, but what could he of him—he had known little else at home and say? He had to live with these guys, sleep in to his immature comprehension it was the same cabin as them, and no amount of normal—but he had never before been adult interference was going to make that deliberately, physically hurt. The part of him okay. So when the counselor asked him if that was still only a little boy was devastated everything was all right, he kept his eyes down by the beating the two older boys gave him. and nodded his head. Even from here he felt And yet, another part of him, never before the hostile gaze of the two boys on him. The wholly awakened, was angry and resentful. He counselor realized all was not well despite did not deserve to be treated like this. It wasn’t what Ken said, and for the next few days made his fault he was the youngest. sure to stay close to the camp baby. The fuse lit that night was slow-burning, But this only made the nights twice as bad. but would have life-long consequences. “Hey, Kenny,” said Petey, making the abbreviation sound like an insult, “you got any ~oOo~ money? Your folks are rich, aren’t they? I bet they sent you with a stash. Let’s have it, dork.” There was a long silence. Starsky thought It was after lights out, and once again Ken had Hutch was going to stop there, unwilling or been dragged away from the cabin to the unable to describe what had happened. adjacent woods and roughed up. They made Continuing to stroke Hutch’s shoulders with sure they didn’t leave marks for the counselors gentle hands, he tried to convey his presence to see the next morning. Frank and Petey might and reassurance without breaking the mood. be only ten, but they weren’t stupid. Finally, as the silence remained unbroken, His lungs heaving, Ken refused to speak. Starsky murmured, “Hutch? You still with His mom had given him five dollars, but he me?” wasn’t going to tell them, even if there was The pale hair on the pillow trembled with nothing at camp to spend it on. Grimly, he the inhalation of breath that was Hutch’s only clamped his mouth shut, enduring the ensuing response. hair pulling and badly aimed punches. “Hutch? You don’t hafta go on with this if Later the next day when he went to the it’s too much, ya know.” His Brooklyn accent cabin to find a clean handkerchief, he found had grown stronger, and the sound of it roused every stitch of clothing and every single Hutch slightly. possession he had brought with him strewn “No. I don’t think I could put it out of my over the floor, stamped with muddy footprints. mind now, anyway. It’s j-just hard. Give me a The money was gone. minute.” The pressure eased off for a couple of days “Whatever, pal. I’m staying right here.” after that. Ken didn’t know why, but he was

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 71 grateful. The unfairness of it was what really further discussion, Frank pulled the younger riled him. He was tougher than he looked, boy over to the boats and dumped him into the skinny frame housing a spirit just beginning to nearest one, jumping in immediately after. learn he could tolerate pain. He hated it, but Petey untied the rope and leaped in. They he refused to give into it. Even at eight years shoved away from the bank and handed the old, his sense of justice was already well- oars to Ken. developed, and he felt a suffocating fury that With no other choice, he started trying to these boys should treat him so roughly simply row. because he was younger and smaller. And The water against the oars felt heavier than because it pleased them. he remembered from before on the lake. The It all went bad in a big way at the current was like a live thing, fighting the beginning of the third week. One night behind paddles. The combined weight of the three kids the cabin, Frank and Petey found out that didn’t amount to much, and the rowboat sat Ken’s parents lived near Lake Superior, and high in the water, bouncing along the surface that he had been out in his dad’s rowboat with and bucking beneath him as if trying to get him before. They decided to ‘borrow’ one of free. Setting his teeth grimly together, Ken the camp boats. Since neither of them knew struggled to control it, the heavy oars dragging anything about boats, they decided that ‘baby hard at his arms. From the corner of his eye he Kenny’ would come with them. noticed the sun, now heading towards the west, Their chance came the next evening, and sending rays slanting like bars gleaming Frank and Petey grabbed it with both hands. across the woods. Ken sat quietly in the cabin, writing a letter The trees drew closer on either side of the home to his mom, when suddenly the door bank, shimmering in the setting sun. The boat banged open. Before he could move, Frank had traveled faster. He pulled harder at the oars, hold of him. He hustled him out, towards the concentrating only on trying to keep to the river. middle of the river. The noise of the water “Show time, dork,” Frank said. “Now grew loud in his ears, drowning out the sounds we’ll get to see if you really can row one of of the birds, the rustle of the wind. All he could these things, or if you were just bragging.” Frantically looking around him, struggling hear was the slurp and crackle of the water as to get away from the bigger boy, Ken was it smacked against the sides of the boat and struck by the deserted feel of the camp. rushed into the rocks edging the banks. He was Petey waited near where the boats were deep inside himself now, oblivious to the tied up. He snickered, seeing Ken’s expression. increasing panic of his tormentors. “All the older kids are late coming back,” he Petey and Frank, already high on the informed their captive, smugly. “Someone said adrenaline rush from stealing the boat, were they got held up on their trip. So, time to have growing frightened. They had lost control over us some fun. Let’s go, kid. You can row us where they went, and when they stopped. Only right down this pretty river.” one small boy stood between them and the “Look, I don’t know…I mean, rowing on a rushing water. lake is different,” Ken tried to explain. They shouted at Ken to turn round, to pull “There’ll be a current here—you can see how to the side, but he didn’t respond. He kept fast the water’s flowing. I might not be able rowing, a fixed, blank expression in his pale to—” eyes. Nervously, Petey grabbed one of the “Oh, quit trying to get out of it, baby oars, only to knock it out right out of Ken’s Kenny. You’re coming with us. Now.” Without hand and into the fast-flowing water.

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“You moron!” Petey screamed. “Now look A pain he had not realized was there stirred in what you’ve done!” his back, and he gasped. Ken felt the oar slip from his hand. Startled “Just lie still, Ken. Try not to move, okay? out of his near-trance, he pulled in a huge, You’ve hurt your back. It will be better if you panicked breath. With only one oar, he could keep still. Why don’t you try a sip of water?” only try to steer the boat to safety. Every She brought a straw to his lips, and gratefully instinct screamed it was no use, that he he sucked. A few mouthfuls were all he could wouldn’t be able to do it. manage before his eyelids closed and he sunk The sound of the water around him back into oblivion. changed, and he turned to look ahead. A large Next time he woke up, the same nurse was rock was coming up fast, right in the middle of there. She smiled at him, gave him some more the river. The boat was aimed straight at it. He water and reminded him about keeping still. screamed, trying to warn the others, shouting Adjusting the sheets over him, she told him that at them to jump. there was a policeman there who wanted to ask Too late. The rock loomed larger and him a few questions. Did he feel up to it? larger and then the boat slammed into it. He Puzzled, he nodded. was flung into the water. A sharp pain crashed The officer who came into the room nodded in on the side of his head and he gasped, at the nurse to stay, then sat in the chair by the swallowing icy water, chilling him from the bed and smiled. Ken smiled back uncertainly. inside out. The current tossed him and he “Hiya, Kenny, how’re you feeling now?” swallowed more water, choking. He lost all “Not too bad, I guess.” sense of which way was up. “That’s great, Kenny. Now, there’s no need Then something snagged his clothes. The to worry. You’re not in any trouble or anything movement stilled. He pried his eyes open and like that, but I just want you to tell me what looked for the other boys, but couldn’t focus. you can remember about the accident. Do you He was dimly aware of the sound of voices, but think you can do that?” they came from so far away that his The officer’s eyes were gentle, and their consciousness couldn’t hang on to them. Light dark blue depths seemed to offer reassurance. faded from the edges of his sight, spilling over Without knowing why, Ken felt he could trust into the center, draining everything of color. this man, and he told him everything, not just Darkness filled his vision and silence swamped about the accident but right from the start, him. when things first began to go wrong. Near the end, he began to stumble over his words, ~oOo~ tiredness closing over him again. He barely managed to make it to the end of his tale Hearing returned first. A low murmur of before his eyes shut, but the images in his mind voices, none familiar. Then the harsh smell of were still so vivid that he was unable to disinfectant. His nose wrinkled against it. A relinquish them. Sleep tugged at him, but his hand touched his forehead, and a gentle voice mind would not let go. spoke his name. He heard the nurse sigh heavily, and the “Ken? Kenny, are you awake?” officer spoke up, saying, “Where the hell are Blinking, he opened his eyes. A nurse his parents? Why aren’t they here?” Ken leaned over him, smiling slightly. Hospital, he thought he sounded angry. thought. I must be in the hospital. The memory The nurse’s voice came nearer. Sheets of what happened flooded his mind, and were pulled higher and tucked in under his instinctively he tried to curl up, to hide from it. chin. “They were notified right away. His

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 73 father gave permission over the phone for the home. You get some more sleep, take care of operation, but said they wouldn’t be able to get yourself, and be good, now.” here for several days.” After she had gone, Ken lay completely still The officer’s reply was sharp enough to jolt for hours, his hand by his side, palm still the semi-conscious boy, “Their son nearly dies curled upwards, as if holding a hand that only and has to have a serious op, he’s out of it for he could see. nearly three days, and they can’t make it? ~oOo~ Guess they can’t be that bothered about him, huh? No wonder the poor kid was sent to camp Starsky thought the silence before was for the summer. The two that died picked on deep, but it was nothing compared to this. him ever since he arrived, you know? I got it Deep within it, he imagined he could hear each out of some of the other kids and the counselor beat of his own heart, every throb of Hutch’s. thought something was going on too, but he The sound of his partner’s mental agony didn’t do anything about it.” screamed through his veins and into his soul. Ken really wanted to stay awake, to hear He was unsure whether he could speak through more of what was being said, but the darkness the tumult, but he had to try. was tugging on him harder now. He couldn’t “Babe?” His voice was gentle, but he fight it anymore. almost jumped as the sound left his mouth. Somehow he thought he’d have to shout to be ~oOo~ heard, but the quiet syllable rang through the silence enveloping his partner. He tried again. It was the next day before his mom showed “Babe. Tell me the rest.” up, and Ken was so pleased to see her that at Hutch struggled for composure, swallowing. first he didn’t register what she was saying. He “One of the nurses finally told me what just laid there, holding her soft hand, content happened. Seems that the rest of the camp to let his eyes rest on her face. Tension he arrived back around the time we left, and some hadn’t even been aware of eased from his of them saw us in the boat. The camp leader body, relaxing him in a way he hadn’t felt for wasn’t far behind us with some of the older weeks. The pain in his back was kept at bay boys he’d rounded up in a hurry to help. They with medication, and so long as he didn’t try to saw our boat hit a rock midstream and capsize. move he felt reasonably comfortable. I was tipped out of the boat as it rolled and “…such bad timing, this happening now. caught by some branches on the bank. They You know, Kenny, I’d like to be able to stay searched for the others, but they must have with you, but the doctor says you’ll be here for been caught under the boat when it rolled. another week before you can go home, and the They drowned. They found the bodies a few Fanshaws are having their annual party on days later.” The pause was brief, but what Saturday. It’s really important to your father came after chilled Starsky to the marrow. that we be there, honey. It’s not as if I can do “That’s it. F-F-Frank and P-Petey died and it anything for you here, is it? The nurses will was my fault.” look after you, and when you’re ready to come “Hutch, no way was that your fault! You home we’ll send George to collect you. I’m were eight years old, for Chrissakes! Those sure your father can spare him for one day, kids bullied you into going! You tried to stop although he is very busy at the moment. In fact, them, but they ignored you. What kind of lousy honey, George is downstairs right now, and supervision did that camp have, anyway, that you know your father doesn’t like me to keep three kids could sneak off like that? And what him waiting too long, so I guess I’d better head the hell were your parents thinking of, sending

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an eight year-old off to camp in the first “Hutch?” he encouraged, softly. place?” He gentled his tone, conscious of the Hutch’s entire body had gone rigid, the tense body next to him. “There are lots of sore muscles in his back in spasm again, and people to blame for those two kids dying, but for a moment he struggled to get a word out. you ain’t one of them, pal.” As carefully as he could, Starsky wrapped his Hutch merely shrugged, but Starsky sensed arms around him. “Hutch, tell me. It’s just he was listening at least. Resuming the words. Tell me.” forgotten massage, he asked quietly, “So what “W-When I got home, I was taken up to happened to your back? That was why you had my room. The doctors said I needed to rest, to be in hospital so long, yeah?” and d-dad was still at the office. I h-heard him “Yeah. My back hit an outcrop of rocks at come in that night, but he never came to see the riverbank. It chipped a couple of vertebrae. me. They had to operate at the hospital right away. “I stayed in my room for nearly a week. M- The operation was successful, but they warned Mom brought up my meals on a tray, but she my parents there would always be a weakness. was the only person I saw. She said that he was They did a good job. It gives me some trouble busy. once in awhile, but it gets better.” “By the time dad finally sent for me, I Starsky reflected on what his partner had could walk pretty well using a cane. H-He not said. He was reluctant to take this any wouldn’t let me sit. He said I had to s-stand to further tonight. Hutch was hurting, and raking listen to him, like a man. He said it was my up this old memory was almost more than he f-fault those other kids had d-died, because I’d could take. But Starsky knew he would never let them bully me. If I hadn’t b-been so have another opportunity, and there was w-weak, they wouldn’t have picked on me. I something still unexplained. “Hutch, why do could have told the camp s-staff what was you feel like this was all your fault? I can going on. They would have s-stopped it. Either understand you feeling bad about it when it way, it was my f-fault. I let him and the first happened, but after all this time, you gotta f-family down.” see that you were as much a victim as they Hutch’s jaw clamped shut. Starsky knew were?” He stopped, feeling the tremors shaking how much he hated it when he stuttered. It the lean frame beneath his hands. “Hutch?” he rarely happened, and only when he was badly queried, gently. “What is it, huh? Tell me.” stressed. Starsky’s arms tightened around him, The blond head shook in a clear negative. his own fragile composure cracking. “Dammit, “Did the cop come back and say Hutch, what kind of a father is he, anyway? something?” No response. “The camp leader?” What kind of man says that to his eight year Still no response. A thought struck him, and he old son?” blurted out, “Jeeze, tell me the other kids’ Hutch took hold of the arms around him parents didn’t come and accuse you, did they?” and tugged, wincing. “Starsky, let go.” Another, barely perceptible, shake of the “Huh? I mean, c’mon, Hutch, you don’t head. really believe that crap. Do you?” “Then why…? Oh, my God.” He felt as “Starsky! Let go. You’re hurting me.” He though someone had just swapped his blood took a deep breath as the grip around him for ice. “Hutch, it was your parents, wasn’t it? relaxed. “Starsk, just shut up a minute, will What did they say?” He knew he was right you?” Starsky’s tirade ceased and was replaced before Hutch could react, some instinct with muttering. Hutch ignored it. insisting against all reason that this was the It was odd, but when Starsky’s hold on him answer. relaxed, he felt a commensurate relaxation of

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 75 the iron band that held him from within. That hurt my back it was there, lurking at the back iron band had been in place ever since he first of my mind.” woke up in the hospital, alone and scared. “You’re an idiot, you know that, don’t ya?” Starsky’s earlier words replayed themselves in Starsky’s words were softened by a smile. his head: Are you telling me that if we were “You shoulda told me about this years ago.” called to a crime scene where an eight year old “Yeah, well, it wasn’t exactly a fond boy had done something dumb—like, I don’t memory,” Hutch replied tartly, but Starsky know, got hold of a gun his dad left lying could see that his face had lost the pinched around—you’d hold the kid responsible? look etched into it since he had wrenched his He could almost hear the sound of the iron back. The pain was still there, but no longer band cracking, rusting away to nothing. shadowed by something deeper. And better “You know, Starsk, you’re right. It is still, Hutch was no longer stuttering. crap.” He drew a deep breath. “I wouldn’t hold “Listen, pal, I think you’ve had about an eight year old kid responsible for an enough tonight.” Starsky pulled the covers up accident, however tragic the outcome. Nobody over his friend’s shoulders, smoothing them should. I wouldn’t send an eight year old away gently. “That Tylenol should have kicked in by from home for weeks at a time, either.” He now. You try to get some sleep, huh? You’re blinked up at Starsky. “I can’t believe I let Dad already off the roster for a couple of days, and convince me it was my fault. Not that we ever we’ll see how you’re doing after the weekend.” talked about it since. It’s one of those things ”Okay. But I already told you, it’ll be...” that no one ever talked about again. Most of “Fine,” chimed in Starsky, and they both the time I didn’t think about it, but every time I laughed.

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Till the Sun Breaks Down

By Rachel Rice

The distinctive tang of gunpowder made it “What the hell happened? Did you see who real. Hutch sprinted around the Torino, body the shooter was?” disconnected from brain. “No. Some kind of ambush. Don’t talk. “Starsky!” Why didn’t he answer? The ambulance is coming, hear the siren?” All the sounds around him—fast footsteps, “Ambulance? What for?” He reached for shouts and screams—filtered and faded, Hutch’s arm, grasping tight. “Are you okay? slipping away behind the sound of his own You’re not hit are you?” heart. “No. I thought . . . I thought you were.” “Officer down,” someone yelled. “I fell. I heard the shots and I turned to Only ten steps to get around the front of a warn you. I guess I slipped. I think I hit my head.” Starsky sat up and groaned. “Oh yeah. car, why was it taking a lifetime? Hit my head.” He put some gentle fingers into Starsky lay crumpled beside the car, head his hair and felt around. “Son of a bitch. Feel cradled in the wheel well as if it were his that.” He turned his head a little so Hutch lover’s lap. could admire the bump rising fast on the back “No.” This wasn’t happening, wasn’t going of it. to happen. Hutch fell to his knees and got “Jesus, Starsk, you scared the shit out of ready to do whatever it was that would save his me.” partner. “Sorry, pal.” He turned around and grabbed “Hutch.” the fender to pull himself up. “What the—my “Right here, babe. Just lie still.” car! Look at my car! That son of a bitch. Hutch!

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 77 Look at my car.” He slumped back to the Hutch looked into his eyes as the doors ground and they stared at the string of holes closed, and saw his crooked grin and his little marring the finish, the bare metal showing at funny wave. “I’m right behind you, Starsk.” the edges, the glimpse through the blood-red Dobey put a solid hand on Hutch’s paint into the insides, into the engine, the heart shoulder. “Come on, son,” he said. “I’ll drive of the car. you over.” All Hutch could think was, that’s what I Dobey’s face looked ashy and drawn. thought you were going to look like. To hell Nothing like a drive-by shooting to make a with the car. perfectly ordinary day go rotten. “Starsky, to hell with the car.” “But she’s been shot. I gotta get her to ~oOo~ Merle right away.” Heavy footsteps, running. Dobey said, “Let’s get out of here, huh?” Starsky “What the hell is going on? I heard Starsky looked around for his clothes. was shot.” “Hungry?” “I’m okay, Cap. Just my thick skull had a “Ain’t I always?” He pulled on his pants. date with the pavement, that’s all.” “Don’t know why they had to strip me down Hutch looked into Dobey’s eyes. “He’ll be for a bump on the head. Where’s my shirt?” fine, Captain.” “You know no one can resist an The paramedics arrived, looking grim, the opportunity to look at your bare chest,” Hutch way they always did. Hard life running around said, holding the shirt behind his back. taking care of people on the worst day of their Starsky looked around to make sure the lives. One of them pushed Hutch aside and curtain was drawn, and tried to grab the shirt began to examine Starsky. The other one away. Hutch danced back and held it up over prepared a drip and stuck a needle into his head, grinning. Starsky’s left arm. “Come and get it.” “This is just ridiculous. Hutch, come on. “Make me.” What do I need an IV for, huh?” “I’ll make you.” Hutch dropped the game, Hutch stood up and backed out of their and the shirt, and grabbed Starsky by his way, and ignored Starsky’s pleas. shoulders. “I’ll make you get it and come.” “Hutch, come on, tell them I’m fine. I don’t “I’m still hungry, you know.” Starsky need to go to the hospital just for this. A bump reached down and felt around the front of on the head? This is ridiculous.” Hutch’s pants. “For a hotdog. Know where I Hutch avoided his eyes. “Better be safe can get a good one?” than sorry. You know that.” “I do. Let’s go, my treat.” Dobey turned to him, and nodded.

“You’re coming, too, right?” Starsky looked young and vulnerable on the gurney ~oOo~ with the tubes sticking into him and the hair all wild above his eyes. In the dark, Hutch sat cross-legged on “Scaredy cat.” the floor of Starsky’s living room. He could “But you’re coming, right?” see everything in it as if it were daylight. The “I’ll be right behind you, buddy.” half-finished ship model on the little round The paramedics finished doing whatever table, Starsky’s paintings on the shades in the they had to do and loaded up the still- kitchen. Some unopened mail on that ridiculous protesting Starsky. chair by the front door. And photographs

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everywhere: of himself, of the city, of “I’ll get it.” Hutch took himself to the bar Terry, one of Hutch with Starsky’s mom from and sat on a stool next to where Huggy was her last visit, and a new one that deep into his books. Starsky’d framed in antique silver of “Hutch, my man. How you doing?” Huggy Hutch’s parents, smiling into the camera—into turned to look at Hutch, and put a hand on his Starsky’s eyes—arms around each other’s shoulder. shoulders. “Jus’ fine. Need some more beer though.” Starsky came up behind him, and played Huggy glanced over his shoulder at the lightly with some wisps of his hair. “You ever corner booth. “Think maybe you’ve had thought about what we’d do if someday it enough, my brother.” wasn’t just a close call?” Hutch looked up, face blank. “Fine. ’ll go “No.” somewhere else, then.” “Maybe we should have.” “Hutch, wait—” “Why? You planning on going somewhere?” Hutch avoided the hand Huggy tried to put “No, of course not, but we’ve always on his arm, and the look in his eyes. He yanked known it’s got to happen sooner or later.” his jacket from the back of the chair he’d Hutch turned himself around and rose to thrown it on when he’d come in, and jerked his his knees, like a supplicant, a beggar. head toward the door. “No, it doesn’t. Don’t let it, okay? Please.” “Starsk, let’s go.” He looked up into Starsky’s eyes. “‘Cause “What’s the matter?” without you, Starsk, there’s no me.” “Nothing. We’re going.” “I ain’t going nowhere, Hutch. And even if “You didn’t pay for the food. And what I did, I’d never leave you.” about dessert—” Hutch almost laughed. “That makes no Hutch saw the helpless look Starsky threw sense at all.” at Huggy, and saw Huggy shake his head “Yes it does. It means if I died, I’d still be slowly and turn back to his books. with you.” He bent down and kissed the top of “I’ll make you a sundae at home. Whipped Hutch’s head. “Do you have any idea how cream.” He leered. “Come on.” much I love you?” “Yes. As much as I love you.” ~oOo~

Hutch burst through the squad room doors ~oOo~ at Metro and waved a sheaf of computer printouts around. One of the other detectives “This is the only place you could think of? ducked to get out of his way and left the room. You won the bet. You could have chosen any “We got ’em, Starsk! We got the bastards! restaurant you wanted.” Two days of phone calls, leg work and “Well, there’s no place else I’d rather go. pumping computers, but we’ve finally got the Best burgers in town, right here at The Pits.” goods on ’em—names, dates, payoffs . . .” Starsky finished off Hutch’s beer and swiped Starsky lifted his legs from the desk and some of his fries, and signaled to Huggy to grinned. “Let me see.” bring over another round. “Ah, I’m stuffed. Hutch kept waving the pages, and Starsky What’s for dessert?” grabbed his arm to still it. “You’re stuffed, and you want dessert?” “I’ve followed every lead we had to the end “Yeah, and some more beer. What’s with of the line, and they all come back to Gunther. Huggy?” See, it’s right there in black and white.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 79 “Where?” Starsky gave up trying to look at he was standing there like some fashion the moving pages, and got up and stood behind mannequin, a fancy suit on a plastic person, Hutch, leaning over his shoulder. He blew into lightweight and worthless. Hutch’s ear, just a little, just once. “Hutch,” Starsky said. Nothing more, but it Hutch turned and grinned at him. “And was enough. Hutch’s pulse slowed, and his you’re gonna love this about McClellan.” head cleared. “McClellan who?” “James Marshall Gunther, to be correct,” “Federal Judge McClellan? The guy who Gunther said. He seemed calm, and there was was burned in that protected witness scam.” no way to tell what he was thinking. “You’ve “Oh, yeah.” met my butler, Thomas. Meet my assistant, Mr. “It seems the good ol’ judge served on the Bates.” He gestured toward a man in a leather board of directors of a grand total of three chair. “He so looked forward to meeting you.” Gunther-owned companies. And that’s just for Hutch turned to acknowledge the man, but starters. Wait’ll you hear the dirt I got on Bates, head back and coffee cup still in his Clayburn. Deputy District Attorney of the hand, its contents spilled down his trousers, entire city, and Gunther had more strings on was clearly dead. Appalled, Hutch turned to him than a puppet.” Starsky, who just shrugged a shoulder. Hutch Dobey stuck his head out of his office. went on full alert, and he saw Starsky put a “Hutchinson! Attorney General’s waiting for hand up near his gun. you. What the hell are you doing here?” “Sorry, Captain. Going now. Then up to San Francisco.” He shoved the pages into a folder. “See you in a few days.” “I want a report as soon as Gunther’s locked up.” “Will do, Sir.” “Get going.” Starsky grinned and grabbed his jacket. Hutch smiled when he saw him wave and make a face at Dobey, but the captain was already back in his office and missed the show.

~oOo~

“James Gunther.” Hutch had worried that “You’ve come to arrest me.” Gunther his voice would give away his anger, but it seemed pretty goddamn composed. What was sounded strong and steady. Starsky nodded and he up to? made “keep going” gestures. He sure looked Hutch held out the warrant, and as Gunther cool as a cucumber. Hutch felt a little envious reached to take it, dropped it on the polished of his calmness. desk. “Yes, that’s correct.” “Ah, yes, the warrant.” Gunther nodded. “The James Gunther.” A few steps closer to Starsky pulled out his handcuffs and started Gunther’s desk, and his rage grew. He could toward Gunther. smell expensive aftershave, and he could see Gunther spoke. “Please,” he said. He lifted the manicured nails, the flawless hair. This a small silver gun, and pointed it straight at guy, this scum, had ordered a hit on them, and Hutch.

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Starsky drew his gun before Hutch even Which I doubt.” Starsky sauntered over to the realized he’d moved. Leveled it at Gunther’s door. “You got a right to a scum-sucking head, arms out, steady and cold. lawyer if you can afford one. Which you “You’re going to kill me?” Hutch said. probably can’t nowadays.” He grinned at “Try it.” He stared at Gunther, unblinking, Hutch. “Maybe you better do it, after all, unmoving. “You tried to kill my partner how partner.” many times? You kill me, my partner will kill Hutch began the Miranda rights, and you. Kill him and there’ll be somebody else. shoved Gunther through the door ahead of him. There’ll always be somebody else.” Behind him, Starsky tapped on his butt twice, Gunther looked confused, mystified even, and laughed. just for one second, just long enough. Hutch watched Gunther’s finger begin to pull the ~oOo~ trigger, and was already on the move, knocking Gunther’s arm up and aside, when Starsky They’d never been anywhere where they fired. Gunther’s shot went wild, hitting the could be themselves in public. Had never been ceiling, making an ugly hole in the beautiful where no one knew them, where men could paneling, and Hutch leaped and grabbed for dance together, and hold hands. San Francisco. Gunther’s gun. He took it out of Gunther’s They had a whole night. unresisting hand, and turned it, pointing it back Hutch watched Starsky dancing, the at the old man. reflected lights sliding over his body like “Come here.” Now his voice sounded spilled wine. He moved like a leaf in the wind, strained. Starsky came around the side of the free and light, like a feather. Elusive and desk and stood beside him, holstering his gun. fragile, unique. Gunther didn’t move. The music beat inside him like a second “Come here,” Hutch said, voice heart. The moving bodies, the flashing lights, the heat and the smell of beer. And Starsky, commanding and sure. “Assume the position.” dancing like a wisp of fog, joyous and free. Starsky turned and leaned against the desk, “Can I buy you a drink, blue eyes?” smiling a little, watching Hutch. Hutch smiled Hutch barely glanced at the man standing back. He couldn’t help it. Gunther scowled. by the table. Didn’t care what he looked like, “Want me to read him his rights?” Starsky or how he was dressed, or what kind of a man said. he might be. “Yeah, I do.” “Sorry,” he said. “I’m with someone.” Gunther stared at him like he was nuts. The guy raised an eyebrow, and turned “What are you looking at, dirtbag?” Hutch, away, shrugging. abandoning any pretense of professionalism, of Starsky came back and plopped down restraint, shoved Gunther forward, bending beside him, pressing the length of his leg to him down across the desk like some lowlife Hutch’s, and took his hand. Hutch could smell street hood. That’s what he was, after all. his sweat, clean and sharp, and feel his breath Starsky said, “You got the right to be a hot on the side of his face. total asshole, but I see you already know that.” “I’m out of shape for this,” Starsky said, Hutch nearly choked, and snapped his own out of breath. “Had to take a break. Dance with cuffs on Gunther’s wrists, tight as he could, me, Hutch, come on.” tighter than he should. “You know I can’t dance for shit. I’d rather “You got the right to protect your asshole watch you. You’re like smoke in a breeze. I from all your new little friends. If you can. love to watch you dance.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 81 “So poetic. You surprise me.” “You gonna let Gunther take that away, “I want to kiss you.” too?” He looked into Starsky’s eyes, and saw the “I love you so much. I don’t want to lose smile forming there. you.” “So what’s stopping you?” “You’ll never lose me, baby. I ain’t going “I want to kiss you, Starsk.” anywhere. I told you that.” “Let’s go. Come on, let’s go. Hurry up.” Hutch moved his head back, and put his Hutch threw some money on the table and hand on Starsky’s face, touching his eyes, his followed him out, bumping people as he lips. passed, and not even apologizing. “Sometimes I think I’m going crazy, Starsk. Sometimes I’m sure of it.” ~oOo~ “I won’t let you go.” He took a long breath and let it out like a Hutch splurged on a night at the sob against Starsky’s face. Huntington. It cost almost a week’s pay, and Starsky protested strongly. ~oOo~ “I don’t have anything else to spend my money on,” Hutch had said, checking in. “I On the way home they stopped by Merle’s need this.” to visit the Torino. They hadn’t looked at the view of Nob “You go,” Starsky said. “I don’t want to Hill, or noticed the decadent luxury of the see her like that again.” furnishings in their room. Just the bed. It held “Sure, buddy.” them, floating together, lost somewhere Merle the Earl greeted him with a half together. smile, and wiped a hand down his coveralls Sleepy and loose-muscled, Hutch said, “I before offering it to Hutch. “No good news, ’m don’t want to go home. Let’s just stay here afraid.” forever. Just like this.” He kissed the bit of “Can’t fix the engine?” Starsky’s skin nearest to his mouth, somewhere “Nope. I put the word out for another one. south of his right ear. It smelled good there and We’ll find one, drop it right in, good as new.” he kissed it again, tasting the salt, feeling the He scratched at his straggly beard, and left a tickle of Starsky’s hair against his eyelids. black grease stain along his jaw. Starsky wrapped his arms tighter and threw “Here’s some money for the body work, a leg across Hutch’s, and kissed the top of his and an advance for the engine.” Hutch took out head. his wallet but Merle stopped him with a look. “You have a job, Blondie. Did you forget?” “That car’s just as much my baby as “Fuck the job. Let’s move up here, buy a Starsky’s. I’ll let you know what the engine little house, open a gallery or something. For costs. Forget the rest.” your photos. A wine bar with an open mike “Merle—” and I’ll sing to you. Or a laundromat. “Buy a new car for yourself, man. That’ll Anything. We could be free here, it wouldn’t satisfy the Earl.” matter who saw us, who knew about us. No Hutch grinned. “No promises.” guns. No bullets.” “And how long would you be happy? ~oOo~ You’re a cop, Hutch. Open your little shop with your pension.” “My mother called,” Hutch said at “I was a cop. I don’t think I am anymore.” breakfast. “They want me to visit for a while.”

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He drank some coffee, and looked at his “I’ll go along with that.” Dobey nodded uneaten toast. He picked it up, and put it back and went back around the desk. He found the down again, throat closing. right papers. “How much time do you want?” “You got plenty of sick leave. Might as “I . . . don’t know.” well use it. You should go.” “I’m giving you a month. I want to know Starsky leaned back in his chair, far enough where you are, and I want you to check in once that Hutch was sure he’d go over backward. He a week.” knew better than to say anything. “I have paperwork to finish.” “You think I should?” “Do it today, then, and start the leave “Yeah, babe. I do.” tomorrow.” “I don’t want to go without you.” “You should go, Hutch.” ~oOo~ “What would you do while I’m away?” “Miss you every second.” He smiled, and “I wish you’d let me go with you to the brought the chair down to Earth. He leaned airport.” across the table so he could touch Hutch’s “Huggy wants to pick up something out on cheek. “You need to go.” that end of Sepulveda anyway.” Hutch put the “I’ll go, then.” last of his things into the small suitcase and latched it closed. ~oOo~ “You going to be okay?” “No. I wish you’d come to Duluth.” He lifted the suitcase off the bed and sat in “I want you to see Dr. McAllister,” Dobey its place. Starsky stopped leaning against the said. wall and came over to stand in front of him. “I’m not seeing a shrink, Captain. That’s Hutch pressed his forehead against Starsky’s final.” belly and felt his arms circle his head, holding “I’ll say what’s final, Detective. If you him in, holding him gently, as if he were just a refuse, I’m going to put you on leave.” His small child. He put his arms tight around chair creaked as he got up, and he came around Starsky’s waist and held onto him, as tight as the desk, and leaned against the edge in front he could. of Hutch’s chair. “I’m worried about you, son.” “We’ve already been through this,” Starsky “I wish people would stop saying that. said. “You know why I can’t.” There’s nothing wrong with me.” “I don’t think I can do it.” His voice was “You look—well, you don’t look good.” muffled, and sounded strange. “I haven’t been sleeping very well lately.” “I love you, you know that?” He looked at his hands. They seemed to move Hutch nodded against Starsky’s stomach, of their own accord, opening and closing, and and felt him pulling gently on the ends of his shaking a little. He put them flat on his knees hair. and looked up to see if Dobey had noticed. “I love you,” Hutch whispered. “You know Dobey had. “I thought you’d feel better that.” after you took down Gunther. Still having “You’re the sun, Hutch. Even at night you nightmares?” keep me warm.” “Sometimes.” “Please, Starsky.” “Will you see McAllister?” “You’ll be okay.” “I’d rather have the leave, I think. My “Please.” parents want me to visit.” Starsky didn’t answer.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 83 ~oOo~ “Come on,” he said. “I’ve got presents for the kids.” Hutch’s mother smiled when she saw him, and then cried. In her arms he felt safe, and at ~oOo~ the same time as if he were disintegrating, and that it was all right if he did. He topped her by After dinner, he handed his mother a inches, and felt tiny and young in her embrace. photograph, framed in silver. She looked up, He pulled away and kissed her cheek. startled. “We’re so glad you’re here, dear.” She “David took this, last time you were here,” looked around the terminal. “Let’s get your she said. bags and go home.” “I thought you’d like to have it.” “I don’t have any. Just the one carry-on.” “Oh, honey.” She reached for him, and he She seemed surprised, and he knew she turned and ran. was wondering how long he would stay. But she didn’t say anything, just tucked her arm ~oOo~ into his. They wended their way out around and between the other travelers. Hutch stood on the end of the dock, under She let him drive them home. He felt the stars, above the stars reflected on the lake’s disconnected, like a newcomer, but everything surface. He felt a momentary urge to let was so familiar, everything exactly where it himself fall in, into the stars, to let them pull was supposed to be. Time compressed. He’d him in and comfort him. He took a shaky never really left. breath and let it out in a long sigh. His sister was there at the house waiting, Tiny vibrations in the wood under his feet her boys playing with a small puppy on the made him turn fast, reaching for his gun that front lawn. As soon as they saw the car, they wasn’t even there. ran to it, shouting and waving, the puppy close His father stopped short and lifted a hand. behind, barking happily, bounding back and “Whoa, son. It’s Dad. Sorry I startled you.” forth and jumping up against everyone’s legs. Hutch smiled and dropped his hand. The kids hugged Hutch around his thighs, and “Sorry, Dad. Just instinct. Habit.” tried to hold on as he walked with them, “I know.” His father held out a sweater. dragging them along and laughing. “Oh, Kenny,” Karen said. “I’m so glad “Thought you might be cold. It’s still chilly you’re here.” here at night.” He pulled her close and growled into her “Thanks.” He pulled the sweater on, but it ear. “Don’t call me ‘Kenny’!” He kissed her didn’t make him feel any warmer. forehead. “You all right? Why are you out here in the “Sorry,” she said, without remorse. middle of the night?” He looked up the wide front steps to the “I had a nightmare. Couldn’t sleep house. “Looks the same.” He almost didn’t afterward. Didn’t want to.” want to go in. What was in there for him now? His father sat down on the end of the dock “You’re going to sleep in my old room. We and let his feet dangle. He tapped the planks thought you’d be more comfortable with the next to him. bathroom right there.” “Sit down and tell me,” he said. His old room was in the front of the house. He sat with his father and let his legs hang Hers looked out across the back gardens and off the end, the way he and Karen had as kids. away over the lake. He looked at her eyes, and The water made small sounds as it patted the she blinked fast a few times and took his hand. shore, and sucked at the pilings under them.

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“It’s the same one. The one where I come “Sorry I couldn’t keep my promise.” around the end of Starsky’s car and he’s lying “No. Starsky, no. I need—there are there covered with blood. The one where he things—” He couldn’t breathe. “Wait! Your looks into my eyes and begs me to help him. mother’s coming. What do you want us to do And I try, and there’s nothing I can do. I don’t with your stuff? Merle’s going to fix up the even get to tell him I love him, and he’s gone.” Torino. You’ll see, she’ll be good as new.” “He knew you loved him.” “To hell with the car, Hutch.” He grinned, Hutch turned to his father, into his arms, but Hutch, a little shocked, looked down and and broke apart like a shattered sun. didn’t grin back. “It doesn’t matter about my things. Everything’s yours now, anyway.” He ~oOo~ stepped over to Hutch’s bed, shoulders back, Everyone except the puppy came to the head turned and tipped a little to one side. airport to see him off. Hutch watched his ass move and lift as he “If you change your mind,” his father said, walked. “Come here.” “you know there’s a place for you here.” Hutch sat on the bed next to him, shoulder His mother reached up and pushed some to shoulder, and took hold of his hand. hair off his face. “I wish you’d stay longer. Are “You’re going, aren’t you?” you sure you’re ready to go back?” “Yeah, I am.” “No, but I don’t know that I’ll ever really “Please don’t go.” be ready.” “Remember how I said even if I left I’d The boys ran around the chairs in the gate still be with you?” area, and he watched their unselfconscious “Yes. I said it didn’t make any sense.” playfulness, and smiled. “How about now? Does it make any more “Bye, Kenny,” Karen said, and grinned and sense now?” ducked away from his swatting hand. “I don’t know how to do this, Starsk.” He walked onto the jetway, turned once “Nobody does. It just gets done.” and waved, and went home. “What do I do now?” “Kiss me, I guess. What else is there?” ~oOo~ Hutch tried, but there was nothing to hold on to. His apartment was empty. His neighbor “Please, Starsky.” had watered the plants and taken in his mail, “I love you, you know that.” and everything looked the same. Everything “I love you, too, so much. You know that.” was where it should be, but it was empty. “I know it. I always knew it.” “I missed you, Starsk.” “Please.” There was no answer. His heart began to But the apartment was empty. beat wildly. “Starsky, you son of a bitch. You said you ~oOo~ weren’t going anywhere. You said you wouldn’t let me go.” In the morning, the sun streamed in and “It’s what you needed to hear, Hutch.” warmed his face. Hutch turned to it for a Starsky leaned against the wall, arms folded, moment, eyes closed. and that little half smile played around his “Starsk?” eyes. There was no answer. He hadn’t really “Oh God, Starsky, don’t do that to me expected one. He got up anyway, and went to again.” work. “Sorry.” “Sorry what? Sorry for what?” ~oOo~

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The title for this story came from a poem:

And Death Shall Have No Dominion They lying long shall not die windily; by Dylan Thomas Twisting on racks when sinews give way, Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break; And death shall have no dominion. Faith in their hands shall snap in two, Dead men naked they shall be one And the unicorn evils run them through; With the man in the wind and the west moon; Split all ends up they shan’t crack; When their bones are picked clean and the And death shall have no dominion.

clean bones gone, And death shall have no dominion. They shall have stars at elbow and foot; No more may gulls cry at their ears Though they go mad they shall be sane, Or waves break loud on the seashores; Though they sink through the sea they shall Where blew a flower may a flower no more rise again; Lift its head to the blows of the rain; Though lovers be lost love shall not; Though they be mad and dead as nails, And death shall have no dominion. Heads of the characters hammer through daisies; And death shall have no dominion. Break in the sun till the sun breaks down, Under the windings of the sea And death shall have no dominion.

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Lacuna

By Cassandra

Hutch pulled his gun and pushed himself four uniformed officers aimed their weapons out of the Torino. His elbow slammed into the with steady hands at a boarded-up building ten doorframe, and he cursed at the sharp pain yards off the street. Hutch stumbled against radiating through his arm. one of the cars between Starsky and Mike Great. Just the icing on the cake of an Jeffreys, an officer he knew casually. Mike’s already lousy shift. eyes flicked quickly toward him, then back to He’d been reaching for the radio to log the scene. them out, envisioning himself standing in front “You guys look like hell. Long day?” of the fan at home, relishing the cool breeze Starsky looked up at him. “It shows, huh? What’s going on?” before deciding on a beer or a shower first. Hutch peered over the car. A terrified girl Then the call came in and now here he was, cringed on her knees. A man twisted her long irritably ignoring his throbbing right arm. hair in one fist and shoved the barrel of a gun Hutch decided he'd definitely have had a in her face with the other. The man seemed beer first. unaware of the guns trained on him. Instead he He tightened his grip on the Magnum and focused on the girl completely, talking to her in scurried after Starsky to a safe position behind a low voice, occasionally punctuating a point two black and whites already on the scene. The with a jab of his weapon.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 87 “We got a call. Just as we pulled up, this The girl screamed, flailing helplessly in the guy chased the girl out here screaming at the man’s grip. top of his lungs and put the gun to her head. I Hutch yelled louder, “Whatever the ordered him to freeze. That got his attention, problem is, it isn’t worth dying over.” but he wouldn't release her. That’s where you “You can’t understand the problem, and came in.” you sure as hell can’t fix it. You don’t know Hutch glanced over at his partner, taking in what it’s like to pour everything you are into the scene. Starsky looked back at him and one person and then realize that they’ve cocked his head to the side, indicating his fucking devoured your soul. I have to do this! intent to circle behind the guy. Hutch nodded, It’s the only way to put things right…even if I and Starsky took off. have to die for it.” Hutch took a few seconds to rub his sore Hutch had no idea what to say. Starsky elbow and scan the area. He saw a few faces inched forward, his foot kicking a pebble. The peering from the convenience store across the sound drew the gunman’s attention. street, but for once, everyone showed the good To Hutch, the next second drew out sense to stay away. interminably. The gunman pivoted, pointing Everyone except one man. He looked about the gun toward his partner. Hutch’s perfect sixty, with white hair, his back slightly bowed. chest shot was lost, and he angled his gun up to He stood on the sidewalk in front of the target the man’s head. One of the patrolmen alleyway. Hutch rolled his eyes and gestured at beat him to it and fired. The gunman jerked the man to get out of the area. Cool eyes backwards as the bullet hit him. regarded him for a second. Then the man Before the body had hit the ground, Hutch shook his head, turned and walked down the was over the car, pulling the girl back and alley. kicking the gunman’s weapon away. He Deciding that he had given his partner long handed the girl off to one of the patrolmen and enough to get into position, Hutch looked over then bent over, checking the man’s pulse. the car at the gunman and aimed his weapon at He was dead. He turned to look at Starsky, him to get his attention. “Hey! Hey, whatever who had lowered his gun and stood there the problem is, just let the girl go, okay? We looking at the body on the ground. can talk about it.” “What the hell was wrong with that guy?” “Why don’t you just go away? This is none Starsky asked. He moved next to Hutch. of your business.” The man’s eyes never left “I’m not sure.” Hutch looked at his partner, the girl. then off in the distance. “He may have been “We can’t do that. You know we can’t do high, or maybe he was just psycho. I couldn’t that. Talk to me. What’s your name?” get anything useful out of him. Couldn’t talk “My name doesn’t matter. You’re going to him down.” kill me anyway, ’cause she has to die.” Starsky reached out and gently punched Hutch saw Starsky peering around the Hutch’s shoulder. “You know it’s not your corner of the building, behind the gunman and fault. You can’t save everybody.” the girl. “Look, nobody has to die. Put down Hutch just nodded. the gun. Let the girl go, and we’ll get you some “Almost didn’t save me.” help.” “What?” Hutch demanded. His gaze swung The gunman pulled the girl’s hair tighter, back to meet Starsky’s. lifting her off her knees. “No one can help “You couldn’t shoot the guy?” There was a me!” mischievous glint in Starsky’s eyes.

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“I lost my shot when he turned. Besides,” She leaned against a patrolman’s car while Hutch replied, rallying, “You didn’t shoot him he stood watch over her. Motionless, she stared either, and have I mentioned that stealth is not at the ground. She was 18 or 19, small and one of your strengths?” slight of build. Her hair was strawberry blonde “I think I may need to trade you in for a and freckles scattered over her nose. The hard partner with better reflexes.” pressure of the gun barrel showed on her cheek “Who else would put up with you?” in a perfectly circular bruise, dark red, turning “Lots of people enjoy my company.” rapidly to bluish-black. She had matching “Yeah? Lots of people enjoy polka music, finger-shaped bruises on her upper arms. Whatever else had gone on between the couple, too. There’s no accounting for taste.” Hutch had no doubt that she was no match for “You’re comparing me to polka music? her boyfriend physically. That’s just mean.” Starsky stared at his partner The officer looked up at Hutch as he expectantly. approached the car. Catching Hutch’s eye, he At last Hutch smiled a little, speaking as nodded, walking off a short distance. Hutch Mike approached. “Everything under control?” started to reach out to her, and she looked up. “Yeah. We’ve got an ambulance coming “I don’t know why he did it.” Her voice was for the girl and a wagon for the body,” Mike tired, flat. replied. Hutch looked at her vacant brown eyes and “Has the girl said anything?” tried to decide if she was in shock. “Ann, Mike took off his cap and ran his hand right? How long did you know…?” through his sweaty hair. “We thought you’d “James. His name was James Murphy, and want to do the questioning. What I got out of I knew him all my life. At least, I thought I her is that her name is Ann Greene, they’ve knew him. I did before we came here.” been squatting in this apartment building since Hutch pulled out his small notebook and a they came to town last week, and she doesn’t pen. “By here, you mean Bay City?” know why he did it.” “I mean that place,” she said, pointing to Starsky raised an eyebrow at Mike’s last the old apartment building. statement. “Or maybe she just doesn’t want to “Okay,” Hutch said, “so, he didn’t have a tell us.” He looked at Hutch. “I’m gonna get a history of violent behavior?” flashlight out of the car and take a look around Ann began to wring her hands. “No. inside, see if I can find out anything.” Never.” Hutch nodded. “I’ll talk to the girl. Catch “Do you think he might have been doing up with you in a minute.” drugs of any kind, maybe something he found Before approaching the young woman, inside when you moved in?” Hutch stopped to take a closer look at the Ann shook her head, her hands still moving body. The guy was young, certainly no older restlessly. “No, he didn’t even drink.” than twenty, with fine brown hair needing a Hutch reached out and placed his hand over cut. He was thin, but reasonably healthy Ann’s, stilling their frantic motion with a looking. There were no visible needle marks or gentle squeeze. “Ann, I’m really sorry to put other physical signs of drug addiction. Also, no you through this, but I have to ask these scars or tattoos. A quick search through his questions. Did he have any history of pockets turned up a couple of nickels and a emotional instability or mental illness?” small pocketknife, but no ID. Hutch stood, Ann closed her eyes and pulled her hands stepping back from the pool of spreading out of Hutch’s grasp to rub her temples with blood, and turned to look at the girl. her fingertips. “No, he was perfectly normal

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 89 until he suddenly decided he hated me. He Hutch patted her shoulder gently, gesturing wouldn’t tell me what he thought I did. Just to the ambulance attendants. He waited until that his whole life was messed up and that it they had Ann in the ambulance and were on was all my fault.” their way, then borrowed a flashlight from Hutch lowered his voice and asked, “You Mike. Holding it in his left hand, gun in the don’t have any idea at all why he would try to right, Hutch entered the building. The kill you?” perspiration chilled on his body in the Ann shivered and wrapped her arms around surprisingly cool atmosphere, and he shivered. herself. “I don’t have any answers for you.” The air was curiously heavy and thick, difficult Hutch knew an evasion when he heard one to pull into his lungs. He coughed, pausing to but decided not to push the issue. The catch his breath and allowing his eyes to adjust ambulance was coming, and there was plenty to the darkness. of time to coax the truth out of her later, once The building wasn’t large—a staircase in she had time to recover. “Okay, we’re taking the middle, four apartments on the bottom you to the hospital to get you checked out. floor and another four upstairs. A quick trip We’ll talk more later. Do we need to get any of upstairs revealed that all the doors were your things from inside?” boarded up and showed no evidence of Ann grabbed Hutch’s wrist, hard. ”You tampering. Realizing no one had been upstairs shouldn’t go in there.” in a very long time, let alone left any clues Hutch winced as her nails dug into his behind, Hutch went back downstairs. All but wrist. “Why?” one of the apartment doors on the ground floor “It’s dangerous.” were boarded over, exactly the same as Hutch looked over his shoulder at the upstairs. Hutch approached the open apartment building. It appeared old and derelict, with and examined the doorframe. He found no nail dangling shutters and peeling paint, but holes or tool marks. Unlike the other structurally sound. There were no apartments, there was no evidence that the door condemnation signs. He squinted, staring up at had ever been boarded up. it. Somehow...something wasn’t right. None of Hutch turned away, unsure of what he the angles were exactly square, none of the expected to find. He swept the beam of the lines exactly straight. Even the lines of the flashlight around the hallway. There wasn’t boarded over windows were…off. Hutch shook even any of the graffiti usually found in his head. He was hot and tired. Obviously it abandoned buildings. He saw no indication of affected his perception. anyone else in the building. “Don’t worry,” he said, prying Ann’s But there was a sense of presence that fingers from his wrist, “we’ll be fine. Is there Hutch couldn’t shake. It was an odd sensation, anyone we can call for you, a friend or a not exactly like being watched, but it made the relative?” hair on the back of his neck prickle and rise. Ann slowly pulled her hand back to her With an effort, Hutch shook off the feeling. chest. She shook her head. “He was all I had. There simply wasn’t anyone else there, except I’m alone, now.” Starsky. He entered the open apartment door Hutch squeezed her shoulder. “We’ll do and called out to his partner. our best to find out what happened here. Try to “Starsky?” remember you’re lucky to walk away from this Nothing. Hutch walked into the room and alive, okay?” tried again. “Hey, Starsk, you in here?” Still no Ann made a choked sound that might have answer. He looked around the apartment. The been a laugh. “Yeah, I’m really lucky.” air seemed even heavier in here. Almost…liquid.

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He was standing in a living room. Further “I don’t know how you missed it. I’ve been inside, it merged into a dining room and calling for you. Why the hell are you here in kitchen. A small hallway to his right led to a the dark?” bathroom and bedroom. Both of them were Starsky held up the flashlight. “Batteries empty. died.” Returning to the living room, he saw a pile “Well, did you find anything before they of sleeping bags on the floor next to an died?” Hutch asked as he pointed his own overturned crate. On it was a couple of candles flashlight to the floor. The light revealed a hole and a small transistor radio. Two knapsacks in the floor, about a foot square. Hutch started full of clothes sat beside it. The floor was to bend down to take a closer look, but Starsky littered with the torn remnants of photographs. grabbed his arm and pulled him back up. A couple of the larger pieces showed the faces “There’s nothing in there.” of James and Ann, smiling, not at the camera, “Well, you were awfully fascinated with it. but at each other. You didn’t see anything?” Hutch left the torn photographs on the floor “I told you I didn’t. Let’s get out of here.” and moved into the kitchen. A quick search Starsky turned and walked away. revealed nothing but dust. He was beginning to Hutch followed his partner, taken aback by think that Starsky was outside after all. his harsh tone and brusque departure. He Directing the beam of his flashlight onto to the reminded himself that it had been a long, hot wall to the right, he discovered a large pantry. day topped off by a shooting and a close call He angled the beam lower and saw his partner, for his partner. It was understandable that he kneeling in the dark. Starsky stared at the floor. was a little edgy. To tell the truth, Hutch was “Starsky? What are you doing?” feeling a little edgy himself, although it helped Starsky didn’t answer. Hutch holstered his being outside again. Even with the heat, it was gun, stepped into the pantry and laid his hand easier to breathe. on Starsky’s shoulder. His partner jumped to While Starsky talked to a couple of his feet with flashlight raised, poised to strike. officers, Hutch called Dobey. He gave him a quick rundown of what had happened and assured him they would file their reports first thing in the morning. Before leaving, he took a moment to thank Mike’s partner, Rob Martin, the officer whose shot had saved Starsky. Hutch got into the car and Starsky drove off. Rush hour had passed, so the drive went quickly. Starsky didn’t seem inclined to conversation, and Hutch didn’t push it, although he was a little worried by Starsky’s distracted demeanor. When the car pulled up beside his small cottage, he got out and closed the door behind him, then paused and turned around. He leaned into the window. “Go home and get some rest, okay?” Starsky just stared at him. Hutch yelled, “Starsk, it’s just me. It’s “What’s wrong?” Hutch asked. Hutch.” “Nothing. I’ll see you in the morning.” He Starsky slowly lowered the flashlight. “I backed up fast. Hutch had to move to get out of didn’t hear you come in.” the way.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 91 ~oOo~ looked up as he approached, and Hutch realized his mistake. Hutch skipped the beer, opting instead for a It looked like Starsky. It had his face and large quantity of ice water and cold leftover his body, but it wasn’t him. Starsky’s Chinese food. Too exhausted to do anything expressive blue eyes were gone, replaced with useful with his evening, he left the dishes in a black, empty gaze. Hutch stopped in front of the sink, took a long, cool shower and fell into the figure, opening his mouth to demand where bed. Even as tired as he was, it was a long time Starsky was. before he fell asleep. He tossed and turned, The thing smiled at him and the water twice getting up to adjust the fan in the closed over them both. window. When he finally drifted off, the dream ~oOo~ came almost immediately.

He knew it was a dream from the start. He If Starsky had bothered to ask him how he was walking on the beach. In reality, even late was when he got into the Torino the next at night, he would have heard cars passing on morning, Hutch would have told him that he the road. In reality, the moon would never felt pretty lousy. After the nightmare, he hadn’t loom so large in the starless sky, and the air been able to get back to sleep. He’d laid in the would not be tinted inky indigo blue. Even dark haunted by the dream’s images until the though he knew it was a dream, he found sun finally came up. But Starsky didn’t ask, so himself helpless to control the direction it took. Hutch didn’t bring it up. In fact, Starsky didn’t He only knew he had to keep walking, to get to say anything at all. Unusual. the pier in the distance, where Starsky was Hutch looked over at his partner. The waiting. For him. sunglasses hid his eyes, but Hutch saw how At first he thought it was one of those tightly the muscle in his jaw clenched. Starsky dreams. The dreams that left him gasping, stopped for a red light, gripping and releasing tangled in sticky, sweaty sheets. Those dreams, the steering wheel over and over. however, were nothing like this. In those “Hey partner, you need me to stop by the dreams, he and Starsky floated toward each pet store and buy you a scratching post?” other. Every movement was effortless. This Starsky looked over at him for the first dream had none of that easy grace. time that morning. “I didn’t get much sleep last The walk seemed to take hours, almost as if night, all right?” the pier were moving away from him or space “Sure. Fine. Just don’t accidentally rip the was somehow stretching itself. By the time he whole steering wheel off. It only works when finally reached his goal, he was exhausted. The it’s attached to the car.” effort required to climb the steps was nearly Starsky didn’t respond. He turned his beyond him, but he somehow managed to attention back to the road and continued the reach the top. He turned to look toward the end drive in silence. At the station, he got out of of the pier. He could see Starsky there in the car and walked away without even glancing exactly the same position as at the abandoned at Hutch. apartment, kneeling with his head down. Perplexed, Hutch followed him into the Behind him, the ocean churned, white foam squad room and braced himself for a long day topping choppy black waves, swelling larger ahead. First he called the hospital to check on and larger. Ann. She had been admitted, but left the Hutch ran toward him, desperately afraid hospital sometime during the night. No one the water would wash Starsky off the pier noticed until the nurse had gone into her room before he could get there. The kneeling figure that morning. Hutch relayed what he’d learned

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to Starsky. Starsky nodded tersely and went trying to do, but everyone else who was there back to writing his report. gave the same statement I did. I just want to Hutch studied him. Without the sunglasses, know why I had to convince that little weasel he looked pale and tired, and Hutch resolved to in there that there’s nothing wrong with this give him some space for the rest of the day. He partnership.” went to arrange for the beat cops to keep an Starsky pulled his arm back. “Did you eye out for Ann. convince yourself, too?” Starsky wasn’t at his desk when Hutch Hutch stared at Starsky, red-faced with returned. It turned out IA had called him in for anger and shock. “Are you saying there is a an interview about the shooting. Knowing he problem?” was up next, Hutch settled in at his desk to get Starsky turned on his heel and headed for his report written. He didn’t look up again until the door, muttering over his shoulder, “Figure his partner’s shadow fell across his desk. it out.” “They want to see you.” Starsky gestured with Hutch tried to get control of his anger. He his thumb toward the door. didn’t know what was going on, but it wasn’t Hutch sighed and got up. Dealing with the good. jerks in IA was never fun. Not good at all.

~oOo~ ~oOo~

Forty-five minutes later and Hutch was Hutch spent the rest of the day as far away back in the office, red-faced and scowling. He from Starsky as he could manage. A trip to the stalked over to Starsky’s desk, leaned over and morgue to pick up the autopsy report on James spoke in a low voice. “Can I see you Murphy revealed that no drugs had been found privately.” in his system, and no medical reason could be Starsky looked at his partner’s dark found for his behavior. He called Huggy’s bar, expression and smirked. “Sure. Where do you hoping to get a tip on Ann’s whereabouts, or want me?” some new info on the anonymous caller who “Interrogation room. Now.” The two detectives walked down the hall had first reported the fight. No luck. Huggy into an empty interrogation room. Hutch was out of town until Friday. Finally, he went slammed the door behind them and spun back to the office and told Starsky everything around to point his finger in his partner’s face. he had done on the case. “Did you tell IA that I screwed up yesterday?” Starsky listened impassively as Hutch Starsky leaned back against the wall, outlined his progress, then grabbed his crossing his arms. “I don’t know what you’re sunglasses and said, “You ready to go?” talking about. I just told them what happened.” Hutch nodded, and they left the office. “Really? You call telling them I hesitated Neither spoke on the way home. Hutch was to take the shot ‘what happened’? That it was a waiting for Starsky to start the conversation. good thing Rob was there to take up my slack, Despite his recent uncharacteristic silence, is that what you call ‘what happened’?” Starsky was generally forthcoming when “Look, if IA is giving you a hard time, it’s something bothered him. With a little patience, not my fault, and I’m not going to stand here Hutch thought Starsky would eventually open and take the blame for it.” Starsky pushed off up and tell him what was on his mind. the wall and started to walk out of the room. They arrived at Hutch’s place without Hutch grabbed his arm. “You can’t walk Starsky ever opening his mouth. Hutch got out away from this. I don’t know what you were of the car, angry all over again, and started to

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 93 walk away when Starsky called out behind Starsky just looked at him and shrugged him. “Hey, wait a minute.” before opening a drawer to pull out a file. Hutch turned around. “Yeah, what is it?” Hutch looked down at the peace offering in “Can you drive yourself into the station his hand. He dropped it in the trashcan next to tomorrow? I’ve got some stuff I’ve gotta do.” his desk and sat down to begin organizing his Hutch stood there. Finally fed up, he raised day. his arms and said, “Sure. Fine. Whatever you want.” ~oOo~ “Believe me, pal, you don’t have a clue about what I want,” came the reply. Hutch The afternoon was spent trying to track didn’t move, stunned. Starsky threw the car down Ann. Starsky was opposed to the search into reverse and drove away. when they discussed it with Dobey that Hutch puzzled over that one for the rest of morning, saying that as the perpetrator was the evening, trying to think of anything he might have said or done to piss Starsky off, but dead, it was a waste to pursue the case any he came up with nothing. Finally he gave up further. But Dobey agreed with Hutch. and went to bed. The search was on, but it didn’t go well. Although there was no repeat of the vivid No one admitted to having ever seen Ann. And nightmare that night, he never got to sleep. The everyone they questioned picked up on the night was just as hot and uncomfortable as the tension between the two detectives. evening before, and he drifted on the cusp, If they had been working together in their neither fully conscious nor unconscious. He usual synchronous style, they might have wasn’t under enough to dream, but a series of gotten somewhere, but Starsky ignored all images and impressions ran endlessly through Hutch’s signals and prompts. He displayed a his mind. He got up the next morning feeling marked lack of interest in the proceedings as as though he had spent all night running after Hutch attempted to question their informants. Starsky, never catching up. By the end of the day, Hutch was ready to handcuff his partner, throw him in the trunk ~oOo~ and force him to talk about what was bothering him. The LTD, having sat for a few days That evening, Starsky drove the Torino into without being driven, was slow to start that the garage and stopped behind Hutch’s car. morning. Eventually it caught, and Hutch let Hutch turned to him. “Are you ever going to the car warm up before driving to the station. tell me what’s eating you?” On the way he stopped at a diner and bought “Nothing’s wrong. Nothing is any different the biggest, greasiest breakfast on the menu. than it’s always been.” Starsky was already at the office. He “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” looked even worse than he had the day before—haggard, with dark circles under his Starsky looked out the window, although eyes. Hutch approached his desk and held out there was nothing to see in the garage. the styrofoam container. “Hey, I bought you “Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. You can breakfast.” drive yourself again tomorrow, right?” Starsky scooped some papers off his desk Hutch got out of the car, slamming the door and stood. “I already ate.” He turned his back behind him. As soon as the door was shut, on Hutch and walked toward the filing Starsky took off, taking the corner at the end of cabinets. the parking area with a screech of tires. Hutch “Since when has that ever stopped you?” paced for a moment, but it was a poor outlet Hutch asked, bewildered. for his frustration. He drove home.

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~oOo~ a pretty serious omission on his part. This business with Starsky distracted him from his Sitting on his couch again, Hutch tried to job. figure out what was going on. The whole Hutch stepped inside. Dust swirled around situation was out of control, and it affected him as he moved, and he heard a dry, scratchy their ability to work. There had to be a noise in the corner as a mouse fled from the solution. light. In the narrow beam of the flashlight, He had to get Starsky to talk to him. nothing in the room seemed different, yet the Hurriedly putting his shoes back on, he headed atmosphere seemed so…heavy. Harder to to Starsky’s apartment, determined to drag breathe, harder even to walk through. some answers out of him. This was crazy. Was he having an anxiety Starsky was getting into his own car when attack, brought on by the stress of the past few Hutch drove up. Hutch wasn’t willing to let days? this wait any longer, so he followed the Torino He kept moving forward. He wanted to at a discrete distance. He planned to follow check out the rest of the apartment. He got as Starsky into whatever bar he was headed for far as the doorway of the pantry in the kitchen and talk it out. before he could go no further. It felt as though He was surprised when the Torino rolled to a giant fist squeezed his chest. He couldn’t get a stop right in front of the same apartment any air in his lungs. building where the shooting had happened a There. There was the presence he had couple of days before. Hutch sat in the LTD, sensed before. Sweeping the beam of the watching Starsky duck under the crime scene flashlight around the room, he tried desperately tape and enter the building. Intrigued, he to catch his breath. There was nothing there, decided to wait and see what happened. His dammit. Nothing stirred, no one jumped out partner had seemed so uninterested in this case. from a corner. Finally, afraid of passing out, he Hutch waited outside for a long time. He stumbled outside and collapsed on the grass, was about to go after Starsky when he finally sucking in huge gasps of air. A couple passed saw his partner emerge, get in his car, and by, looking questioningly at him. drive away. Hutch sat in his own vehicle, For a moment, when he finally calmed considering the situation. down a little and his breathing returned to There was something in that building. He normal, Hutch considered going back into the reached into the glove compartment for a building. He had to find out what was going on flashlight, determined to find out what it was. in there. And how had Starsky remained inside The air inside was even heavier than he for so long? Why? He couldn’t begin to answer remembered, and the temperature uncomfortably his own questions. cold. For once, he was grateful for the layers of Was there was some kind of gas leak in the clothing required to conceal his holster. A building? Maybe Starsky had been poisoned. It quick check confirmed that all the other would explain his odd behavior. He decided to apartments remained boarded over, so talk to Dobey about it, get him to order Starsky whatever he was looking for had to be in the to see a doctor. It was a long shot, but it was apartment Ann and James had used. the only theory he had. Standing in the doorway, he shined his flashlight into the room. There were the ~oOo~ couple’s belongings, still sitting on the floor. Ann hadn’t come back for her things. Hutch Hutch didn’t bother trying to sleep. He just kicked himself mentally for not checking that stretched out on his couch and waited for before. It had never occurred to him, and it was morning. When it came, he got up, got ready

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 95 and drove to work. He found when he walked Slamming his hand down on the table and into the squad room that Starsky had again looming over the boy, Starsky skipped the beaten him there. preliminaries and got right down to business. He looked even worse than Hutch felt. The “All right, punk, we’re not interested in you. circles under his eyes were nearly black. His Tell us about your boss, Mangano, and maybe clothes were loose, as if he’d lost weight. you’ll get out of this.” Hutch walked over to his desk. “Do you want The kid leaned away from Starsky. “I’m to tell me what you were doing in that old not telling you anything. Mr. Mangano’ll kill apartment building last night?” me if I do.” Starsky looked up, startled. “You were Starsky grabbed him by the front of his following me? What gives you the fucking shirt and pulled him to his feet. “What makes right to tail me?” you think I won’t hurt you if you don’t?” “Just answer the question, Starsk. I can’t Hutch stepped forward and pulled the boy take much more of this.” away from his partner. “Starsk, what the hell Starsky got up out of his chair and opened are you doing? He’s a kid!” his mouth to answer, but Dobey interrupted “Get the fuck outta my way, Hutch.” them. “What kind of progress did you guys “Starsky, just calm down—” make yesterday?” Hutch’s words were cut off as his partner’s Hutch said shortly, “None. We haven’t fist slammed into his jaw. The boy ran to the found the girl. Maybe my partner here knows door and screamed for help, and Hutch blocked something I don’t.” his partner’s next blow. Two patrolmen ran Starsky shot Hutch a look of pure venom. into the room and separated the two, followed “I don’t have anything to add.” closely by Dobey. The Captain took one look Dobey looked at both of them, gauging the at the scene in front of him and bellowed, “My situation, finally deciding to let them deal with office. Now!” whatever was going on. “Yeah, well, shelve it for now. Some boys from the night shift ~oOo~ brought in a kid who seems to be running numbers for Mangano. See if you can’t “You want to tell me what went on in convince him to talk. He’s down in there?” Dobey asked the two detectives sitting interrogation.” in front of his desk. Hutch snapped a chair around and sat No one answered. down. “Could you give us a moment? We’re in “Unless you’d like unpaid leave, the middle of something here.” Detectives, spit it out.” Dobey’s voice was loud Dobey raised an eyebrow. “You’re on the in the small office. clock. Do your job.” Hutch pulled away the ice pack he was Starsky headed toward the door. “Yes, sir, holding to his lip. “Starsky lost it. He was Cap’n. We’re on it.” threatening that kid, and when I tried to talk Hutch sighed, abandoned the chair, and him down, he decked me.” followed his partner. Starsky protested. “I had it under control, The kid they’d been ordered to interrogate Cap. He stuck his nose in where he shouldn’t was no more than fourteen. The defiant set of have.” his jaw couldn’t conceal a slight tremor. Hutch Hutch shook his head. “You’re beating up doubted that he had ever been arrested before. a kid and you don’t want me to interfere? They’d probably be able to reason with the kid. There’s something wrong with you, Starsk. Starsky had other ideas. You need to see a doctor.”

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Starsky whipped his head around to face Huggy’s eyes widened. “The place with the his partner and yelled, “Oh, so now I’m boarded up windows across the street from the crazy?” convenience store?” Hutch held up the ice pack to show his “Yeah. You know it?” partner the bloodstain on it. “You sure as hell “Oh, man, you shouldn’t be messin’ with aren’t acting sane.” that place. It’s bad news. You better have a Dobey dived in. “I don’t know what the seat. I gotta make a call.” hell is going on between you two, but it Hutch sat down at a table, gesturing to a doesn’t belong here. Both of you go home. I waitress for a beer. It was early, but if ever a don’t want to see either of you until Monday, day called for it, this was the one. Huggy came and when you do come back, have this worked back from the phone and sat down at the table with Hutch. out. I better never see anything like this again.” “Okay, I’ve got a guy coming in you need Hutch pulled the ice pack away again. to talk to about that place.” “Capt—” “What’s the big deal about some old “Now, Detective. Out.” Dobey pointed at building? It’s the girl I need to find.” the door. “Man, if she’s smart, she’s long gone. Just Hutch followed Starsky out of the captain’s talk to this guy. He can tell you all about the office. Starsky didn’t even glance at him as he place.” stormed out of the squad room. The waitress set Hutch’s beer down in front of him and he took a long drink from it, ~oOo~ wincing as the liquid stung his torn lip. “Will he be long?” Hutch couldn’t face the idea of chasing “Nah, he’s coming right over. You want to after his partner. Maybe they’d talk after he tell me the story of that fat lip while you wait?” cooled down. He decided to see if Huggy was “Not really.” back yet. It was Friday, so he was due. “Fine. Never let it be said I can’t mind my He parked in the alley behind Huggy’s and own business. Like right now—I’ve got some went inside. Huggy was behind the bar. Hutch business to take care of before I’m robbed waved at him and Huggy walked over. “Top o’ blind. I’ll let you know when he gets here.” the morning, Detective Hutchinson. What “Sure. Thanks, Hug.” brings you here without your other half?” His “My pleasure, entirely.” Huggy got up and broad smile disappeared into a grimace as drew started to walk away, then turned back and closer. “Man, what happened to your face?” asked, “Starsky—did he go in that building?” “Starsky’s what happened to my face.” He Hutch looked up from his beer. “Yeah. He studied the scarred linoleum floor to deny did. He’s been in there a few times. Why?” Huggy further explanation. “Long story. Did Huggy shook his head and said, “Just talk you get my message?”” to the man. He’ll tell you all about it.” Then he “Yeah, I got it,” Huggy drawled, his eyes turned and walked away. fixed on his friend. “You’re looking for some Hutch nursed his beer until it turned warm girl called Ann. Anything else you can tell me and unappealing. Finally, Huggy approached about her?” the table along with an old man. “She was squatting in an abandoned “Detective Kenneth Hutchinson, this is apartment building over on Forsythe Avenue Nick.” with her boyfriend, James Murphy. They Hutch looked at the man and started to rise. arrived in town a couple of weeks ago.” “You were there. You were at the scene that

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 97 day. Are you involved in this?” Huggy put a didn’t come home. When we showed up at the hand on his arm, urging him to sit. job site the next morning, we found Aaron on Nick answered Hutch, “Calm yourself, the ground next to a bloody hammer with his Detective. I didn’t have anything to do with head beaten in, and Stephen was hanging in a what happened to those kids. I’ve warned tree nearby.” everyone I can to stay out of there, but those Hutch sighed. “That’s an awful story, but I two came to town in the middle of the night don’t think it makes the building evil.” and moved in before I could get to them.” “It’s not all of the story. The whole time “Squatting isn’t an optimal situation, I’ll we worked on the building, there were fights grant you, but what’s so bad about that among the crew. One man went home and shot building?” his wife. After it was built, a woman living “Quite simply, Mr. Hutchinson, it’s evil.” there drowned her child in the bathtub. I think Hutch nodded slowly. “Evil. The building you know what apartment she was in, the one is evil. Thanks. That’s very helpful. What do I on the ground floor with the big hole in the owe you for the beer, Hug?” floor of the pantry.” Huggy held his hands up. “Just hold on, Hutch shivered. “This is impossible. Do Hutch, let the man have his say.” you know what you’re saying?” Hutch sighed. “Fine. Have a seat. Tell me “Yes, Mr. Hutchinson, I do. Did you take a all about the evil building.” good look at that place? Doesn’t look quite Nick and Huggy sat down across from right, does it? No matter how hard we tried to Hutch. Nick leaned forward and said, “Looks stick to the plans, everything came out skewed. like you got on someone’s bad side.” No matter how often someone was told to “What?” finish the floor there over the hole, it never “Your lip. Looks like someone smacked stayed finished. It was covered, time and time you in the mouth.” again, but nothing stayed for long.” “Yeah, which is another situation I have to “Wait a minute. You’re telling me that hole deal with, so maybe you could just give me wasn’t made by someone after the place was whatever information you have.” built?” “I think you’ll find it’s the same situation. “No, it was always there. It’s right over the That place has a strange effect on people.” spot where we found Aaron.” “What kind of strange effect?” Hutch wiped a hand over his eyes. “You “It makes people homicidal.” know I’m having a hard time believing this, “You’re telling me that James Murphy right?” tried to kill his girlfriend and my partner hit me “I can’t make you believe it, detective. I because the building made them do it?” can only tell you what I know. I’ve been “Yes, that’s pretty much what I’m saying.” warning people away from that place for a long Hutch ran his hands through his hair and time. It isn’t enough. I’ll have to take care of it took a deep breath. “Who are you? What’s permanently.” your connection to that place?” Hutch’s expression hardened. “What are “I helped build that place, back in 1936. It you talking about?” was a nice neighborhood then. People wanted Nick stood. “Nothing you need to worry to live there. I worked on a crew ran by a man about. Worry about your partner. There’s named Jim Elliot. He had twin sons who nothing you can do, but maybe I can. Good worked for him, as well, Aaron and Stephen. bye, Detective.” They were nineteen years old. Jim sent them “What do you mean, there’s nothing I can out to survey the area we built on, and they do?” Hutch rose from his seat, and Huggy

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again put a restraining hand on his arm. The Whatever the truth, however, he still had to old man walked out of the bar, Hutch watching deal with Starsky. All his instincts told him his every step. Then he looked at Huggy. that they had to talk. “Why do I have the feeling he’s going to do Darkness fell over Bay City as Hutch drove something illegal?” in search of his partner’s distinctive car. The Huggy waved his hand in the air. “You first place he went was the old apartment gonna arrest him for telling a story? I think you building, but the Torino wasn’t there. He need to forget about Nick, and start thinking circled through the entire neighborhood and about what you’re going to do about your almost gave up before spotting the bright red partner.” vehicle parked in an alley behind a large stack “I suppose you know a cut-rate exorcist.” of crates. Starsky had grown cautious, knowing Huggy chuckled a little. “I know a lady a that Hutch had followed him the previous couple of blocks over who can make a night. protective charm out of ham bones and feathers Hutch drove around to the front of the and anoint you with oil, but it won’t do you no building and parked. Opening the glove good.” compartment, he retrieved his flashlight, then “So you admit all this supernatural stuff is stepped out of the car. He took a deep breath, bullshit?” looking around the neighborhood, and “I’m saying that a symbol ain’t nothing if somehow wasn’t surprised to see Nick, you ain’t got faith.” standing in the same spot where Hutch had “Faith? You think I need to get religion, first seen him. He held a battered black bag. He Hug?” made no attempt to avoid Hutch, instead “Faith in yourself, faith in Starsky, faith in crossing the street to meet him. the two of you together. You need to believe in “Detective, I didn’t expect to see you the things you can’t see.” here.” “I don’t know, Hug. This all sounds crazy.” Hutch leaned back against the LTD. “Well, life is crazy, Hutch,” said Huggy as “Funny, I was really hoping I wouldn’t see you he got up from the table. “I’d help you if I here, Nick. What’s in the bag?” could, but I’ve done all I can do, and your Nick tightened his grip on the bag’s beer’s on the house. It’s between you and handles. “Nothing important. Go home and Starsky, now.” forget about this place.” Hutch got up to leave. “Thanks, Huggy. I Hutch shook his head. “I can’t do that, don’t know if I believe any of this, but thanks. Nick. First of all, I’m a cop, and I can’t walk I’ll see you later.” away if I think you're about to commit a crime. Huggy watched Hutch leave the bar. “I Which I do. Second of all, my partner is here, hope so, man. I hope so.” and I’m going in to get him.” Nick sighed. “Fine. Come inside with me. ~oOo~ Get your partner to leave with you if you can.” “Nick, I don’t think you understand. I’m Hutch went home to think. He believed going in alone. If you try to go in with me, I’ll there were things in the world that defied arrest you for trespassing.” explanation, all right, but ghost stories and Nick chuckled. “Don’t you policemen do haunted houses? Ridiculous. He’d thought so your homework?” even as a kid, when his sister tried to scare him “If you have something to say, then say it. I with tales brought home from slumber parties. don’t have time for this.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 99 "All right, then. I own this place—bought it Starsky ignored the question and looked at a few years ago. It was cheap, and I had to get Nick. His smile faded. “What are you doing it off the market.” here? You’re gonna ruin everything.” Hutch stared at him. “Great.” He sighed, Hutch looked at Nick. “You two know rubbing his face. “I can’t keep you out, but I each other?” won’t let you do anything illegal.” Leaning “I’ve never met your partner, Detective.” forward, he added, “ I mean it, Nick.” Hutch turned back to Starsky. “So, how do “You just worry about your partner and you know Nick?” yourself, Detective. I imagine that will keep Starsky smirked. “Let’s just say a friend you busy.” told me about him.” Hutch sighed. “Do you at least have a “Look, Starsk, I’ve had about enough of all flashlight in that bag?” I’m going to take of this cryptic shit. Tell me “I do.” Nick opened the bag and pulled out what’s going on. Now!” a flashlight. The two men approached the Starsky shook his head. “That’s the building and entered. It was like walking into a problem, Hutch. You go around with your head freezer—the temperature dropped forty in the clouds. You have no idea what’s going on.” degrees. Hutch shivered in the cold. “What the The candles flickered, though the air was hell—” still. The temperature dropped and the air grew “The cold is the least of it. Let’s find your heavy, as if gaining density. It was suddenly friend. Do you have your gun?” hard to pull breath into their lungs. Something Hutch nodded, adding, “I do, but I’m not crashed loudly overhead. Then again. Hutch pulling a gun on Starsky.” looked up. “What the hell was that?” “I guess that’s your choice,” said Nick as He looked back, and Starsky stood right in he gestured for Hutch to go ahead. front of him. Before he could say a word, The door to the apartment stood open. Starsky shoved him into the small hallway off Hutch approached it and called out, “Starsk? the main room. You in here?” Hutch fell, hip hitting the hardwood floor A voice called back from the darkness, “I with a dull thud. A faint light shone into the thought you might show up. Just can’t leave it hallway from the bathroom. There was the alone, can you, Hutch?” sound of running water, then splashing. He “C’mon out, Starsk. We need to talk.” heard a voice, small and pleading. “Why don’t you come in? We can talk in He reached out and pushed the door open. here.” Starsky’s voice was pleasant, There was nothing there. Just dark conversational. emptiness. Hutch entered the apartment, closely Getting back to his feet, he limped back followed by Nick. The candles left behind by into the living room. Nick lay on the floor, James and Ann were burning, casting long clutching his chest, gasping. Starsky stood over shadows on the walls. him. “Starsky, come out where I can see you.” “Starsky, what are you doing? We have to Starsky stepped out of the pantry and get him out of here.” leaned against the wall, smiling slightly. “How Starsky didn’t move or answer. Hutch went ya doin’, Hutch? Mouth still hurt?” to help the prone man, but stopped short as “Yeah, actually, it does. Can we get out of Nick fumbled his bag open, drawing out a here, please?” bottle of clear liquid. With an oddly defiant

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look at Starsky he flung the bottle at the Hutch looked down at his lap, then candles. grimaced tiredly, pulling the mask away from The bottle broke against the crate, his face. “I really doubt it, Captain.” He told exploding into flame. The bedding on the floor Dobey everything, knowing how crazy it must caught fire almost immediately, flames licking sound but too weary to care. Ten minutes later, across the floor. The air warmed quickly, Hutch finished his story and the captain stared smoky, smelling of alcohol. at him like he’d grown a second head. Starsky yelled, “No!” and started toward “Can you think of any reason why I the blaze, but Hutch caught him around the shouldn’t have you committed right now?” waist and arms, holding him back. Hutch shrugged. “No, I can’t. But that’s Through the smoke, Hutch made out Nick what happened. Believe it or not.” heading to the back of the apartment. The old “So, the body they found is Nick?” man yelled, “Get out and take him with you!” Hutch looked down at the mask in his Hutch struggled to hold on to Starsky, hands. “They found him? I was hoping he’d calling out after Nick. “I can’t leave you alone gotten out.” Dobey shook his head. “They told me in a burning building. C’mon, let’s get out of when I first got here.” He lowered his voice here!” and said, “You know you couldn’t have The only answer was a tinkling of broken dragged both of them out of there.” glass. A bright flash came from the pantry. Hutch nodded, but didn’t look up. “I think Starsky still struggled to break free, but he’d he went in there knowing he wasn’t coming sucked in lungfuls of smoke. He couldn’t get out.” his breath. Dobey sighed and changed the subject. Hutch dragged him toward the door, “Are they going to take you to the hospital?” coughing. “Starsky…stop fighting me.” He Hutch finally raised his eyes to meet his dodged a fist. “Will you stop! We have to get captain’s and shook his head. out of here.” “I don’t need to go. I’m just a little banged Starsky grabbed Hutch’s shirt, gasping. up. Starsky isn’t too anxious to spend the night “Aaron…I…I can’t let you leave.” He slumped there either.” in Hutch’s arms, unconscious. They both looked past the fire truck Hutch half-dragged, half-carried Starsky separating them from the other ambulance on out of the burning building and laid him down the scene where Starsky was being treated for on the sidewalk. He limped to his car, opened smoke inhalation. the door and called in the fire on his radio. Dobey sighed again and rubbed his hand Wearily, he made his way back to Starsky, over his face. “Fine. Go home and get some collapsing beside him. rest. First thing Monday morning, come in and we’ll figure out how you’re going to write a ~oOo~ report that doesn’t get you sent to the department shrink. You may want to bring a Hutch was sitting on a gurney with an lunch. And maybe dinner, too.” oxygen mask over his face when Dobey Hutch smiled. “Thanks, Captain. Can you arrived on the scene. “Are you two okay?” get a uniform to take Starsky’s car home? It’s Hutch nodded and said, “Yeah, we’re parked in an alley a couple of blocks east of okay,” his voice muffled by the mask. “Nick?” here. I’ll drive him home.” Dobey shook his head. “Do I even want to “Sure. Just don’t go anywhere until you’re know what happened?” cleared by one of the ambulance guys.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 101 Hutch put the oxygen mask back over his Starsky looked away, a low, animal sound of face and gave the captain his best innocent pain escaping him. He looked at Hutch as if look. Dobey rolled his eyes and walked away he’d just awakened, confused and slow. to talk to one of the patrolmen. “Hutch?” Hutch replied evenly, “Yeah, Starsk, it’s ~oOo~ me. It’s me, and I’m not going anywhere.” Starsky regarded him for a second and It took another half an hour before Hutch suddenly the confusion was gone, replaced convinced the ambulance attendants to let him with something else, something new. He go. Starsky was already waiting for him in the reached for Hutch, pulling him closer. car, head tilted back against the seat, eyes It started out as a simple, chaste kiss. Then closed. Starsky ground his mouth against Hutch’s, and Hutch looked over at his partner. “Hey, you it grew deeper, frantic. The cut on Hutch’s lip asleep?” opened, and he tasted coppery blood, but the “Nah. My head hurts. Let’s just get outta stinging pain was soothed away by Starsky’s here.” The drive to Starsky’s apartment passed tongue sweeping over it. in silence. They arrived at Starsky’s apartment The two fell back against the door, and went inside, Hutch trailing a little behind grasping at each other, gasping for breath Starsky, still limping slightly. Hutch closed between kisses. Hutch’s injured hip hit and locked the front door. He took a moment something, he didn’t know what and he didn’t to lean back against it and close his eyes, still care, the sudden pain lost behind the feel of burning from the smoke. When he opened Starsky’s mouth on his. They slid to the floor. them he was looking right into Starsky’s eyes. Starsky grasped the front of his shirt and No. Not Starsky’s eyes...the thing. The pulled, and buttons scattered across the room. dream. Cool air and warm hands slid over his ribcage. Starsky grinned and grabbed Hutch by the Hutch worked his own hands in between them, shoulders. “Betcha thought it was over,” he unbuttoning, unzipping Starsky’s jeans. He said, slamming Hutch back against the door. A slipped his hand inside. So much better than a flash of bright white flash exploded before dream, touching Starsky like this. Feeling him Hutch’s eyes as his head connected with the push into his hand. Smelling smoke and sweat wood. Hands closed around his throat. He in his hair. couldn’t push Starsky away, but he managed to Starsky moaned, moving his hands to keep his hands from locking around his throat. reciprocate, impatiently pushing both pairs of “Starsky, what the hell are you doing? jeans out of the way. Bare skin touched bare Starsk!” skin and thrust, unimpeded. His hand grasped Nothing. Starsky’s hands trembled, trying them both in a firm grip, rubbing, touching, his to reach Hutch’s neck. Both men were panting. voice in Hutch’s ear, urging him on. To Hutch, Every time Hutch managed to grab one of the it was the only sound in the world that hands clutching at him, it jerked out of his mattered. grasp. His muscles were burning with the Hutch threw his head back, seeing a bright strain and he knew he couldn’t fight much flash of light behind his eyes—this one of pure longer, so Hutch did the only thing he could pleasure. Starsky moaned again, low, full of think of to get Starsky’s attention. need, his breath warm at his neck. His frantic He kissed him. motion slowed, and he fell lax on top of Hutch. It wasn’t much of a kiss, just a press of dry Hutch lay still, trying to catch his breath. lips together, but it stopped Starsky cold. Starsky pulled back and Hutch looked up at

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him. His partner kneeled over him, gazing coffee. He picked up the clothes they had left down, a look of pure adoration on his face. in the living room the night before. Hutch imagined the picture he made: shirt torn, He was gonna make Starsky look for all pants halfway down his thighs, sticky mess all those shirt buttons. He smiled at the thought. over his stomach. He must look ridiculous, but By noon, he was contemplating waking Starsky looked at him as though he was the Starsky when the phone rang. It was Huggy. most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Hutch He assured him that he and Starsky were both smiled, pulling his partner against him, fine, but didn’t give any details. He didn’t need wrapping his arms around him. Starsky buried to. Huggy got the big picture. his face in Hutch’s neck and mumbled As he hung up, he could hear Starsky something that took Hutch a moment to turning on the shower, and he went to make a decipher. fresh pot of coffee. Ten minutes later, Starsky “I’m sorry, Hutch. I’m so sorry.” walked into the kitchen in his robe and smiled Hutch raised his head off the floor a little. shyly at Hutch. “Morning.” “You’re sorry?” “Actually, it’s afternoon. You slept about Starsky slapped at him weakly. “For trying fourteen hours.” to kill you, dummy.” Starsky looked out the window at the bright Hutch let his head fall back. “Oh. Right. afternoon sun. “Guess I was really tired.” He Don’t do that again.” “I promise. I swear to God. It’s gone. I took the cup Hutch offered and looked down know it is. We got rid of it. What we did into it. “Are we going to talk about what together killed it.” happened?” Hutch shushed him before he could say any “Which part did you want to talk about?” more. He rolled Starsky gently off of him and “How about the part where I went nuts and stripped them both, then led Starsky into the tried to kill you? Or how about all the stuff bathroom where he wet a towel and cleaned Nick told you?” them both up a little. They moved into the Hutch shrugged. “I don’t know what to bedroom, turned down the covers and fell into believe, except that something was affecting bed together. you. What went on in that apartment, Starsky?” Starsky started to speak. “Hutch…” Starsky’s brow wrinkled. “I don’t Hutch shushed Starsky again. “Just go to remember much. I know I was angry, mostly at sleep, Starsk. We’ll talk about it in the you. I felt like you were keeping somethin’ morning. Just rest now, okay?” He wrapped his from me, but it’s hazy. I don’t really remember body around Starsky’s. “Sleep. I’m here, and being in the apartment at all. I remember going I’m not going anywhere.” there and driving home again after, but Starsky didn’t answer. He was already whatever I did in there is just…gone. I know I asleep. got more pissed every time I went there, but I couldn’t stop going.” ~oOo~ “What did you think I was keeping from you?” Hutch woke to an incredibly bright Starsky lowered his head. “I don’t know. morning and a very sore body. He let Starsky Maybe it was what you gave me last night. sleep and took a hot shower. Starsky still Maybe that’s why I stopped trying to kill you.” showed no signs of waking up, so Hutch Hutch leaned forward. “So you’re not borrowed some clothes and made a pot of freaked out by it?”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 103 Starsky looked at Hutch. “Under any other Starsky shook his head. “It shouldn’t be circumstances I probably would be, but the this easy.” way I see it, that was the most normal part of “It’s not going to be easy. We’ve got a lot to talk about, but we’ll work it out, just like we the last few days. I’m a lot more worried about always do.” the fact that I could’ve killed you.” Starsky studied his partner for a moment Hutch leaned back in his chair. “Well, you and then he nodded and pushed away from the didn’t. I don’t believe it was your fault, Starsk. table. I doubt I’ll ever really understand what “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m going to happened, but I don’t blame you.” get dressed. Let’s go out and get some lunch. Starsky stared into his coffee mug. “You I’m starving.” Hutch started to pick up their coffee mugs. never said how you feel about what happened “Good idea.” last night.” “And come back here after we eat.” Hutch leaned forward and put his hand on Hutch smiled slowly. It lit up his face. his partner’s shoulder. “What do you think?” “Yeah. Yeah, we can do that.”

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The Mushroom Cloud

By Wuemsel

It was going to be a beautiful day. The little and he’d wince at some hidden pain that the bit of sky Starsky could see through the bars in jerky movements caused. Apart from his head, front of the high window was a shiny blue, he hadn’t checked on anything since he’d almost like it was the source of light itself, not woken up, but from the straining pain in his just the carrier. Inside the room, there was no chest and ribs, he knew he’d been knocked sun. Only sky. around while he'd been unconscious. More like He figured it had to be getting pretty warm manhandled. Accidentally hurt in the process outside too, but he was cold. They—whoever of being thrown in the room. they were—had taken his jacket, shoes, and Maybe not so accidentally, though. He'd socks, and he had goose bumps starting on his felt the bump on the side of his head and bare arms, resting on his drawn up knees. crusted blood, when he’d gently probed around Every so often a shiver would grab him, hard, it. Not too easy to manage with hands cuffed in

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 105 front of him. He had no doubt they were his he’d already left his car, keys out, home close own cuffs. enough to touch…. There was no way of telling how long he’d In his memory the sound of the driver’s been in there already, either unconscious or door banging shut exploded in his head like a awake. The sun had been up, when he’d come shot. to, and it still was. He couldn’t tell if the light He sighed, leaned his head back. Suddenly had brightened, changed direction, or anything. noticing he was humming under his breath, he The window that was so high above him was stopped with an unnerved groan. Damn that too small for that. Or maybe he just wasn’t earworm Hutch had planted in his mind. enough of an outdoorsy person to be able to Leaving on a jetplane…dunno when I’ll be tell time by staring at a piece of sky. back again…. He wondered if Hutch could. Decided to “Well,” Hutch said after he’d hung up the ask him, next time he saw him. He snorted phone in their hotel room. They'd been there sardonically. two days and were just about to leave. “Looks Casual positivity! Right. That was how to like the road’s all yours tonight, pal. I’m play situations like this. When he got out of gonna take the plane.” here, he’d ask Hutch to explain how to tell the Starsky’s face fell. He dropped the t-shirt time by staring into the air above you. You he’d been folding onto the coffee table. never knew, might come in handy some day. “You’re kidding.” Shaking his head at himself, he shifted on Hutch shrugged as innocently as he could. the cold concrete, stretched his aching neck, “Nope. Seems Mrs. Turner’s lawyer made our and leaned his head back against the brick wall little trick with the dates, and if the DA doesn’t he sat against. Had it been twenty minutes he’d get Charlene’s statement by midnight, he’ll spent yelling after waking up? An hour? How have to let her go. And we both know what long since he had surrendered to just sitting that’ll mean.” there, staring at the piece of sky? Starsky furrowed his brows, as if thinking Apart from the window, there was nothing his partner’s words through. “Okay,” he in the small room to give light when it grew finally said, stretching the word. “So why does dark outside. He wondered how it’d be at that mean you’ll be taking the plane?” night. Would it be completely dark? “Because Dobey could only get one seat on He shivered again, involuntarily drawing the next flight. By the way,” he grabbed his knees closer, resting his chin on the right Starsky’s arm to look at his watch, “we should one. He heard a sigh, and realized it had been be going.” He picked up his neatly folded his own desperate one. He was so tired that it t-shirt, stuffed it into his bag and stood, was hard to brainstorm why the hell he might heading for the door. be here, or who his hosts were, or what was Starsky followed him hastily. “What, and going to happen. He couldn’t help thinking we don’t even, like, discuss this? Fairly? I he’d rather have whatever “it” was start soon don’t wanna drive home all alone. That’s rather than wait while his butt grew number by boring!” the minute from the cold. “It’s your car,” Hutch pointed out, walking And he had been so close to home. After down the stairs to the lobby. “Besides, you two days of statement-hunting with Hutch up won the toss for the bed last night.” north, a seven-hour drive and the meanest, “Exactly!” Starsky exclaimed. “Because most boring traffic jam ever, not to mention a you lost. That was fair!” dozen radio stations from hell, he’d finally, “Starsky, you didn’t even let me see the finally, finally been home—and then, when coin.”

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Starsky ignored that. “That was a fair “Already I’m so lonesome I could die…” game, fair decision. It’s how friends do it. You “So funny,” Starsky grumbled. can’t just take the plane, we have to play for “…don’t know when you’ll be back it.” again…” Hutch shot him a sideglance. “Watch me.” “Hutch,” Starsky warned. “Hutch!” “Every song I sing, I sing for—” They had reached the lobby by now, and, Too fast for Hutch to react, Starsky waving at the friendly elderly receptionist, switched off the radio, shooting his friend a Hutch headed for the exit, wearing the subtle triumphant look. smile of the triumphant. “Neither of us is Unimpressed, the blond continued to sing happy with me driving the tomato, right, softly without backup from the radio. “…back buddy?” again…oh babe, I hate to go…” “Hey, how many times have I let you drive Starsky thought about Hutch flying home my car?” alone and got in the mood for yelling again. It “Okay, but it’s not like I like it. And it is hadn’t worked before—either he was too far your car. If we’d taken mine, I’d drive home.” away for anyone to hear him, or they didn’t Hutch shrugged. care. Or they enjoyed it. But he didn’t want to Starsky snorted. “If we’d taken your sorry let his thoughts wander in that direction. can, we never woulda made it here in the first He sat with his chin on one knee and stared place.” upward. It made his eyes hurt, but he couldn’t “Yeah, aren’t ya glad we took your car seem to tear his gaze away from the window. It then?” Hutch grinned, earning an evil scowl. was the only source of anything lifelike. He Starsky threw his bag onto the back seat almost feared it would close when he stopped and all but tore the Torino’s driver side door focusing on it. open. Surely it was late in the day by now. Late Savoring the sweet payback for the enough for Hutch to have realized he was uncomfortable night before, Hutch climbed missing. And Hutch’s brainstorming would not into the car, gently closing the door. “I can be impeded by the nagging headache and cold drive to the airport if you want me to,” he that Starsky had to deal with. And his, offered. well…fear. Taken off guard by that last “Aw, shut up,” Starsky muttered. thought, he shook his head, but stopped with a They both jumped when music started moan, eyes squeezed shut. God his head hurt. along with the engine. What with being in a A key rattled in the door to his left. strange city and on the highway, they had Starsky jumped to his feet, clumsily falling needed to keep an eye—or rather, an ear—on back against the wall. He steadied himself and the traffic and had therefore switched on the stared at the door in anticipation. Whatever “it” radio, hoping for reports. was, it was about to start. He had no doubt it Irritated, Starsky reached out to turn it off, would hurt, but maybe “it” would at last but Hutch stopped him. provide him with some answers. Answers “Hey, wait,” he said, as he caught the line always were the first step on the way out. You of a song, and then broke into an utterly mean couldn’t fight empty rooms. laugh. He turned up the volume. “Detective Starsky.” Forced to listen to what he recognized as “It” spoke with a melodic, softly amused the very beginning of “Leaving On A voice, and stepped in to reveal an elegantly Jetplane,” Starsky rolled his eyes. “Funny,” he dressed brunette woman with sharply boned mumbled over Hutch’s delighted singing.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 107 features and eyes the color of the sky outside She paused. “What d’you think it might be his window. Only they held no light. like, bleeding to death in your driveway at On either side of her hired guns appeared, dawn? Sun’s rising, and you’re going?” Her both aiming impressive guns at Starsky. He eyes wandered up to the right, then to Starsky took in the sight of the trio with a frown, again. She smiled apologetically. “I’m a feeling nervous, yet dying to make a smart-ass writer.” comment. “Figures,” he muttered. A writer? Who gets “Who are you?” he asked the woman, not kidnapped by a writer? even bothering to address her companions. It She must’ve sensed what he was thinking, was obvious they weren't running the show. because she blinked in apparent amusement, They were just there to keep him from using but when she spoke it was with the same soft the advantage of his strength on her. and cool tone as before. “No one’s safe, are “That’s nothing you need to know,” she they? You know that, you’re a cop.” She said. waited as if for an answer, but eventually “Why don’t you let me be the judge of continued. “How many cases did you have that?” where people just answered their door and She smiled as if at a stubborn child, and were shot? Right in the face? Or were grabbed folded her arms in front of her. She studied and dragged some place to be tortured to him for a moment. “I thought up a game for death? Horribly. Slowly.” you, Dave.” Starsky swallowed, dry-mouthed. Over the years, practice and experience had Watching him, she bowed her head, just a tiny bit, so that she looked at him trained Starsky for hostage situations in which conspiratorially. As if they shared a secret. he was the hostage. And though he had a very About him. Her voice dropped, too, like her healthy survival instinct which supplied him face. “Maybe even in front of his best friend’s with enough healthy fear to avoid getting killed eyes?” for mouthing off, he had found that wise- Starsky’s blood ran cold. cracking and even slightly infuriating his One corner of her lips arched in a slight captors was a kind of twisted comfort to him. smile. “I like that nickname of his. Hutch. Yet the way the woman pronounced the word That’s cute. What does he call you?” “game,” her voice changing into soft coldness, “What did you do to him?” Starsky like snow on bare skin, made him wary enough snapped, not even trying—he’d fail, anyway— to hold back the comment that instantly sprung to keep the terror out of his voice. This was the to his mind. worst face “it” could have. “What’re you talking about?” he asked, She grimaced, eerily sympathetic. Like she hating how nervous he sounded. “Who are was truly feeling for him. “Nothing, Dave.” you?” Her voice was so soft and gentle it made him She ignored his questions. She didn’t sick. “Nothing. He’s fine. Well,” she shrugged, move, didn’t acknowledge at all that he’d “probably a bit worried by now, but okay. I spoken, though she never took her eyes off of promise.” him. “It was pretty easy, grabbing you. Wasn’t “What d’you want?” Starsky fought against it?” the overwhelming feeling of downright disgust Starsky stared at her, off guard. at her comforting tone. It wasn’t the “We could’ve killed you,” she continued, transparent mocking of long-time gangsters, or and shrugged for emphasis. “Right then and of people who wanted something, who’d there, in your own driveway. No one saw us threaten you, threaten your loved ones. But it take you, no one would’ve seen us shoot you.”

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wasn’t insanity, either. It was something Then, with a calmness he didn’t feel, he said, completely her, something he’d never heard “You’ll kill my partner…if I fall asleep in before in anyone’s voice. Her voice knew he here? Is that what you said?” was just like her, felt the same as she did. Was “Yes.” Again, that tone, like a doctor’s. vulnerable like her. Like her news was a given fact, unchangeable. The tone of someone who was not yet sure Like she was feeling for him, but there was whether she enjoyed tormenting him or not. nothing she could do about it. She cast him a long glance. “We won’t hurt Starsky blinked and averted his eyes, trying you.” to process what he was hearing. “That’s “What do you want?” he repeated. insane! Why?” Furrowing her brow at his increasing “It’s the rule of the game,” she explained volume, she waited for a second, then said, matter-of-factly. “We’ll leave you in here. For some time.” He was about to snap at her again, but he Ice-cold fingers crawled up Starsky’s back, thought better of it, restraining himself from and against his will, he found himself suddenly letting on how desperate he was. “Okay,” he staring out at the sky again. Startled, he turned said, making a small gesture with his cuffed his eyes back to her. hands. “Okay, so…what do I get out of it? She continued slowly, the way she might How can I win?” explain the rules of a game to a child. “When “By not falling asleep,” she smiled you’re asleep upon our return,” she said, affectionately, as if amused at his naive “Hutch will die.” question. Starsky stared at her, only her last words “Who the hell are you?” he exploded sticking in his mind. For a split second, he felt again. “What is this? What the—” the whole crushing shock of that truth—when suddenly, belatedly, the first part of the “You know the rule,” she cut him off, sentence hit him too. Confused, he frowned. suddenly sounding tired, bored by a situation “Wh-what?” that had passed the climax of surprise. “Stick “It’s a game, Dave,” she explained to it.” Her mouth was still open as if to add patiently, pointing at the door with her thumb. something else, but in the end she just smiled “When the opening of the door wakes you, or with an apologetic shrug and turned for the when we find you asleep, we will kill Hutch.” door. “See you soon, Dave.” She paused to make sure he understood. “We “No! No, wait! Wait, hey, you can’t just—” will grab him, like we grabbed you, bring him Frantic, terrified, he pushed himself away from here, and kill him.” As if with an afterthought, the wall to try and grab her, but a strong arm she added, “And not by just shooting him.” caught his before he even reached her, and he She gave a soft shake of her head. “Uh uh.” was shoved back with enough force to push the He heard the words. Understood them too. air from his lungs. He dropped to the floor, But it was the kind of understanding where you coughing, wild eyes rolling up to meet hers. knew you'd gotten it wrong. Laughably wrong. “Please,” he panted. “Please, don’t just go. Yet, the way she looked at him, head cocked, I…at least tell me what…” he had to stop almost concerned about how he’d take the himself to catch his breath. news, convinced him he had heard right. He “You know,” she said, sounding friendly thought sarcastically that he felt like a routine- again, “I heard singing helps. Or riddles.” check patient who’d just been told he only had Chuckling at her own advice, she shrugged and six more months to live. left. “You’ll…” he stopped and bit his lip as if frightened by the prospect of saying it out loud.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 109 Starsky watched her leave with dismay, but She’d brought him something… he hadn’t caught his breath enough to call after “I wanted to leave it for you with a card, her again. but…” She shrugged. “Guess I fell asleep.” In One of the bodyguards pointed to the far an exaggerated gesture, she rolled her eyes. corner, where a plastic gallon container sat. “Doctors, you know how it is.” “There’s your bathroom,” he said, almost Hutch smiled affectionately and looked sneering. Starsky stared at it in disbelief. The where she pointed. There sat a smallish plant bodyguards threw him a last uninterested with round leaves and closed blooms in a white glance and turned to leave. He wasn’t sure if it pot that had “Audrey’s plant” in black letters was their absolute conviction that he was of no on it. threat whatsoever, or their idea of rubbing it in, Puzzled, Hutch bent his head to study the but they didn’t once look back at him as they pot’s message. “You brought me a plant?” pulled the door closed, engaged in a casual “Well…” Audrey waggled her head. “No. conversation. It’s mine. I’m leaving a plant of mine here.” As “Does counting sheep help you stay awake if shy, she bowed her head, looked up at him. or fall asleep?” Hutch nodded slowly and reached out to “Counting what? Who counts sheep?” turn the pot so that the letters were directly up The rest of their discussion was cut off by front. “I see,” he said in faked gravity. He the door banging shut, and then there was only paused, then cast her a glance. “D’you really stillness. think we’re ready for the commitment?” “What do you think?” she asked, pulling ~oOo~ him off the armrest and onto the sofa beside her. He stretched over and kissed her softly. The first thing Hutch noticed when he Studying him for a moment afterward, she woke up was that his back hurt. Well, sure it blinked, as if realizing something that annoyed did. After all, he had to sleep on that damned her. “I don’t think you want to discuss this hotel couch that felt like… now. Right?” He frowned, eyes still closed. “Uhm—” …his? “’S okay.” She cut the beginning of a Blinking, he wrinkled his nose, and found helpless stammer off, pressed a kiss on the top himself looking at his own door. As his gaze of his nose and stood up, heading for the wandered down, he saw that he was indeed bathroom. “I can make you nervous anytime, lying on his own couch, in his own clothes too, honey, doesn’t have to be tonight. Be right complete with shoes and jacket. back,” she called over his words of protest. Great! Finally home, and he’d fallen asleep The bathroom door closed, and a second on the couch. He rolled his eyes at himself, later Hutch heard the shower. then suddenly sat up and scanned the Now, he found himself looking at Audrey’s apartment. plant, safely placed on the coffee table. A small Audrey wasn’t there. note lay next to it that said only “Cops…” with He fell back. Great. He was finally home a smiley face drawn beneath it, rolling its eyes. with Audrey, and he'd fallen asleep on the Hutch imitated the drawing. “Audrey…” damned couch! He sighed. Why Audrey was so convinced he was She’d been asleep, too, when he’d finally scared of commitment, he’d never get. Maybe gotten home the night before, around one in the because she thought all men were. Apparently, morning. she hadn’t been proven wrong as of yet. Until He’d come in and sat down on the armrest now, until she had met him. He knew how to of the sofa and she’d awakened.

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treasure the feeling of coming home to his arms and lay there for a few more someone. moments, studying the plant next to him. Sometimes, in perfect moments between Waking up with Audrey’s plant, he thought them, it still surprised Hutch how fast they had sarcastically, tipping one finger against a reached that point. They'd met barely two particularly large leaf. “Morning.” months before, and had hit it off right away. Hutch got up and went to take a shower. He and Starsky had once more been The hot water felt good on his sore back after spending an afternoon in an ER waiting room. two nights on a couch. He would never admit it The moment Hutch had seen the petite, dark- to Starsky, who constantly complained about haired woman in a long white lab coat chasing his couch, but every time he slept on it some hyper-energetic five-year-old, he'd himself—usually by accident—he found that decided to ask her out. And what better way to the thing was indeed very uncomfortable. win a stressed-out doctor’s heart than by Maybe he really should get a new one some catching the little horror of a kid running away day. When Starsky wasn’t looking. from her? Smirking at the thought, he realized he was Or maybe by, well, knowing the guy who early enough to drive by his partner’s place and in the end caught the kid by luring him out of a collect him for work. Give him a break after particularly small hiding place with a the long and lonely drive home the day before. stethoscope? Decision made, Hutch finished his shower, But though Starsky had saved Audrey’s got dressed, threw his bed a last longing day, Hutch had apparently made it, since she’d glance, and left for work. He pulled the door suggested “going out for a drink some time,” shut behind him, and it hit him just in time that even before he’d opened his mouth to speak to Audrey had been the last one to close it as she her. left this morning, meaning that his key was still Starsky had waited for him outside in the inside. LTD. “Hey,” he'd said, pointing over his Sighing, he went back in and found the key shoulder with a now-bandaged hand that he’d on the table. He pulled the door closed, putting managed to cut during a chase, “that doctor the key over the door in its usual place. This was cute.” was the fourth time since he'd known her that “Who?” Hutch had replied innocently, he’d nearly locked himself out. He'd have to starting the engine. talk to her about it again. “The pediatrician. Nice looking.” He paused and with a friendly wink said, “So— ~oOo~ when’re you gonna see her?” Hutch had seen her two days after that. Soon after, Hutch pulled up at Starsky’s And then again the following weekend. And place, acknowledging his relief at the sight of the Monday following that. And at some point, the Torino neatly parked in its spot, red paint he’d begun to see her every day after the one shining in the morning sun. before. He'd picked up a box of donuts on the way. Seeing Audrey, he knew, was something Just because he didn’t regret having talked his special. way out of the drive home didn’t mean he Rubbing his face with one hand, he couldn’t do something nice for his partner. scrambled for his watch. At least he wasn’t too Hutch left the car and climbed the stairs to the late for work. With a loud yawn, he stretched front door, only then realizing he’d been humming “Leaving On A Jetplane” under his

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 111 breath the whole drive long. He hushed But no one at Metro had seen Starsky since himself, then knocked. No need to rub it in before he and Hutch had left to collect their again. Yet. witness. Frustrated with himself for getting “Starsky, rise and shine! Sun’s out!” worried so fast, Hutch hung up. He called There was no answer, but Hutch hadn’t Huggy next. anticipated one. “Starsky,” he called out once To say the bartender sounded grumpy more, exaggerating the name sweetly while would have been an understatement. “House of reaching for his key to Starsky’s door. He let the Rising Sun. Who’s up at this hour?” himself in. “Hey Hug, it‘s me. Sorry I woke you.” The place was as still as could be. Could “You oughta be, Blondie. What d’you have done with some airing out too, Hutch want? Hurry, before I forget what I was thought, sniffing. He let the door fall shut with dreaming.” a bang. “Starsk! Your partner’s here! Get up!” Hutch chuckled. “’Kay. Sorry. I’m just Puzzled at the silence instead of the usual calling to ask if you maybe saw Starsky last muffled protest or insult coming from the night?” bedroom, Hutch walked into the kitchen to put “Nope.” the donuts on the table and make coffee. When “He hasn’t been over since past midnight?” there was still no reaction, he marched back There was a pause, then a sigh. “Congrats, into the living room and knocked at the Hutch, now I’m worried. What’s going on? bedroom door. Curly missing?” “Hey, Buddy, you in a coma or something? “I’m not sure.” Move your butt. C’mon!” “Have you checked the ladies?” Nothing. Hutch smiled. “All of ’em? Listen, Hug, With an annoyed sigh, Hutch carefully thanks, and sorry again for waking you at an opened the door, just a crack at first—it really indecent hour. See ya later, okay?” had to be an emergency situation to get close “Sure.” Huggy ignored the comment. “’N, enough to shake Starsky awake, and it could hey, Hutch, keep me posted, ya dig?” end very painfully—but at the sight that met “Will do.” He hung up, and remained him, he frowned and stepped inside. The bed was empty. Made, but not sitting with the phone in his lap, following the recently. It didn’t look like it had been touched trails of his thoughts. There surely were ladies at all the night before, and suddenly it hit to check, but he doubted Starsky would have Hutch that the whole place felt like it hadn’t made a date after driving half a day, and seen its owner for some time. besides—the Torino was here. The Torino had Before he knew what he was doing, Hutch always been like an “I’m in” sign. If it hadn't found himself standing in the front door again, been parked out front, now that might have staring at the Torino outside. Starsky had been meant an “I’m out with a lady” sign. here. So for the second time in minutes, Hutch Fighting against worry, he returned to the wandered to Starsky’s front door and took in bedroom and sat on the bed, grabbing the the sight of the car. Without really knowing phone. First, he checked to see if Starsky had why, he walked outside, strolled over to it and shown up at the precinct. Maybe the Torino bent down to look through the driver’s wasn’t the most powerful machine on el-road-o window. after all, and just hadn’t survived the long trip. Starsky’s leather jacket lay crumbled on the In that case, the very last person Starsky would floor of the passenger side. His bag wasn’t in call to give him a ride to work would be Hutch. the back anymore, but lay open over both seats,

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something small and shiny peeking out from No. underneath it. Once more, he shook his head, eyes Hutch froze, suddenly very cold. With a squeezed shut as he shoved the fear back into shaking hand, he reached out and slowly the corner of his mind it escaped from. opened the driver’s door. It wasn’t locked. He had to believe that Hutch was safe. And Swallowing, he eased down onto the seat. if he couldn’t be sure, he had to order himself Hutch picked up the smallish item from to be sure. He couldn’t afford to think any underneath the bag, turned it in his fingers. other way. Starsky’s key. Hutch was safe, and he would stay that way He was out of the car and back on the as long as Starsky didn’t fall asleep. Simple. phone in a heartbeat. “Yeah, this is Detective At the beginning, staying awake had Hutchinson, I need a crime lab at 444 sounded so easy—how could he sleep with all Westchester on the double. And patch me those nagging questions and worry for his through to Captain Dobey, please.” friend caging in his thoughts. But now, his stomach rumbled, his head pounded, and the ~oOo~ damp cold of the room crept into him. Now it was turning into a monumental task. Okay, the light had changed, even he could How could he sleep? Easy. He’d just close see that. But just how much time had passed his eyes and allow himself to forget it all. Just when the sky turned from light blue to a shade close his eyes and regain some strength. darker? Surely enough to come back to relieve Everything would look clearer when he wasn’t him. But—and he tried his best to keep those exhausted anymore. thoughts at bay—Starsky doubted he could He’d close his eyes, and the fog engulfing expect the master of the game to return so his mind would clear, revealing solutions. Things would lighten up, he’d find a way out, soon. Hutch would come and help him and he’d be Up until now he hadn’t been in any danger warm and comfortable again and— of falling asleep, what with his futile attempts His eyes snapped wide open. He could hear at processing what the hell was going on. Who his own gasp echo in the room and the panting was the woman, and what had messed with her that followed. He’d slid down the wall. He lay head? What sick idea was this? on his side on the floor and stared at the And…had she told the truth? Was Hutch window, panicking, and then breathed in relief really safe? Maybe he was here somewhere, when he realized that he’d only dozed off for a too, locked into a similar room. Maybe he'd second. They couldn’t have been in here. been told the same thing, was going through Couldn’t have seen. the same thing. His eye caught the plastic jug in the corner. At the wave of despair threatening to crush He’d been forced to use it, and it was him, Starsky shook his head, answering his humiliating. It made him angry. Hell, it’s own question. No, Hutch had to be safe. better than the floor. Get over it. You’ve got There’d been a lot to think about regarding his bigger problems. host, but his instincts said she wasn’t a liar. For a few moments he didn’t move, but She’d had way too much fun painting the listened to his breathing even out again. He worst-case scenario to be lying as well. blinked repeatedly at the fading light outside. There was, of course, always the possibility Only when there was no light anymore did he that she’d had just as much fun when she’d realize his eyes had closed again. He opened spoken to Hutch…. them wide.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 113 “Fuck.” It was just a mutter, breathed more lab sent, anyway. The last sentence was always than sighed, and God it scared him how tired it the one for the normal mortals who were not sounded. How tired he sounded. How tired he doctors, and this particular last sentence told was. Hutch that the tiny spot of blood found in His stomach rumbled. Loudly. He lay back, Starsky’s driveway hours ago was indeed his head on the floor, and blinked up at the dark partner’s. ceiling. Hutch remembered a similar situation when Don’t lie down. You’ll doze off again. he’d gotten a lab report. It had not been How nice that’d be…to doze off…just Starsky’s blood. That blood had just spelled close his eyes and… out “Starsky” on a bathroom mirror. In a way, He sat upright in a heartbeat, shaking his this was the same kind of message. head fiercely, welcoming the pain it caused. Obviously, the blood hadn’t been left on Pain that forced him to focus, made him wince, Starsky's driveway on purpose. But still it not yawn. Clumsily supporting himself against the wall with his cuffed hands, he got to his carried a message, if not a written one. It feet, stretched his neck. affirmed all of Hutch’s worries, told a story of “Okay.” He spoke out loud, ignoring the its own. Just like Starsky’s name written in eerie feeling hearing his own voice in the quiet goat’s blood on the mirror in the court gave him. “No more sitting. Think stakeouts.” building’s restroom had, so many months ago, He paused, and smiled a grim smile. “Or, when Starsky had been kidnapped by members better not. Think …think …” of a satanic cult. Absently, he took a few steps forward, then back, pacing a small area that enlarged after some time and took him through the whole room in a chaotic pattern. “Think…” he mumbled, stretching the word, and began softly singing under his breath without noticing that he’d started, the words interrupted with a lot of "hmm-hms" when he didn’t know the lyrics. He rolled his eyes when he heard himself sing the refrain. “Leaving on a jetplane…don’t know when I’ll be back again…” “Funny.” But it wasn't. Not really. The moment the crime team found blood ~oOo~ on the driveway, Hutch remembered Starsky's name scrawled on that mirror, the unwanted Funny, Hutch thought, how details of one image growing inside his head like a camera situation could remind you of another, even zooming in until he could almost see the same when they seemed so completely different. bloody letters on the concrete drive. He sat at his desk with his head in hands. Hutch had been quiet and unobtrusive at He closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath. the scene, not getting in the way of the lab One of the other detectives had just put a paper people, not asking unnerving questions or under his nose, but not all of the facts on it letting his anger out at anyone. Because he had meant something to him. He was trained to feared that moment. That moment, when they focus on the last sentence of the messages the found something.

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He’d known it would come. were talking about—he could find a reason to In their lives, safety was an illusion. The bleed in a driveway any day! last place you thought you’d be kidnapped Why had no one called? from was a rest room. The last thing Starsky With a frustrated sigh, loud enough that a would have thought he needed to do on his few colleagues shot him sympathetic but way from the car to the front door—tired, beat, nervous glances, Hutch let himself fall back in longing for his own warm bed—was to watch his chair. He glared at the telephone. The his back. absurdity of the situation made him roll his Though, as Hutch thought with angry eyes. Here he sat, doing nothing, waiting for helplessness, it shouldn’t have been the last some kidnappers to kindly call and tell him thing to think of. For Starsky, watching his their demands. Hell, he was hoping for that back should be pure instinct. That feeling of call. “not again!” wasn’t just Hutch's. Dobey had But then, what was the alternative, given Hutch a look, when he’d first seen him at anyway? the precinct after leaving the scene at Starsky’s When his phone rang, he almost fell off his driveway, that had spoken volumes. It had chair, tearing the receiver to his ear before the communicated the same stunned, incredulous second ring. “Yeah, talk to me.” mixture of anger and concern Hutch himself “And I thought you only answer your own felt. Being taken as a hostage wasn’t phone like that,” an amused voice said. unthinkable for a detective. A lot of situations Letting go of a breath he hadn’t noticed could take a turn for the worse. It had holding, Hutch bent forward, placing his happened to both Starsky and Hutch in the elbows back on the desk. His muscles were past, though like with everything else, their tense and they wouldn’t ease up. He felt his score in that area was above average. But hands start to shake. “Audrey.” Starsky had been the target of a planned attack “Wow.” She sounded annoyed but and kidnapping more than a couple of times in confused at the same time, as if she wasn’t sure situations where he couldn’t have anticipated whether or not it was a situation she could it. It was scary, how quickly those situations make fun of him in. “I’ve never heard my could transform you from a person just doing name said with such disappointment. Did I call his job into a victim. at a bad time?” Hutch hadn’t left his phone for long since “Sort of.” Hutch rubbed his forehead with he'd arrived at the precinct. He wanted to make his free hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sure it was answered, and that every call was …I’m waiting for an important call.” Suddenly traced. Someone had to want something. realizing they were being recorded, he casually So far, it had only been Hutch who’d waved at the officer who was monitoring the wanted something. He hadn’t thought it calls. The officer nodded, understanding. possible, but he felt even more helpless than “And you answer an important call like when Starsky had been kidnapped by Simon that?” Audrey joked. “I hope it’s not about a Marcus’s bunch of psychos. They had at least promotion or something like that—” called and given him an ultimatum. A deadline. “Audrey.” Hutch cut her off, unable to A trail to follow. keep his voice patient and regretting it This time, all Hutch had to stare at was an instantly. “I’m sorry, honey, but I can’t talk official affirmation that his partner had lost a right now. It’s really important that my line’s drop of blood in his driveway. It didn’t even not busy, okay? Was there a particular reason have to mean anything. This was Starsky they you called?”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 115 “I just wanted to ask you out tonight, reasons for an officer to get kidnapped. Did but…not good timing, huh?” Starsky work on anything on his own?” Hearing the sincere concern in her voice, “No.” Hutch shook his head with a frown, he smiled and shook his head, even though she as if the idea were absurd. Yet the truth was, he couldn’t see him. “No. I’m sorry.” hadn’t thought of that possibility. Had Starsky “That’s okay. I’ll just…you call me, when gone off on his own? He would have told me. you have time, okay?” When he caught Dobey’s gaze again he sighed, “Okay.” practically hearing the man’s words in his “Yeah.” She paused. “Take care, Ken.” She head. “We haven’t had a lot of lengthy cases hung up. recently, and for the past two weeks, we’ve There was barely enough time for Hutch to been after Mrs. Turner. You know that.” put the receiver down before Dobey’s voice “And she couldn’t be behind it?” startled him from the doorway. “What for?” Hutch asked. “Starsky’s not a “Well?” witness, he’s of no use to her. I-it…it doesn’t Lifting his head, Hutch met Dobey's make any sense! It’s…” he bit his lip, then anxious eyes. He grimaced. “Wasn’t them.” muttered, “We don’t even know for sure he’s Dobey looked like he was cursing been kidnapped. Do we?” inwardly. With a glance at Hutch, he turned This time it was Dobey who averted his back into his office. “I want to talk to you.” eyes. “Come on, you don’t want to go there.” “Yeah, sure,” Hutch muttered “Go where? Face it, Captain, there’re no unnecessarily, gesturing at his phone and clues that support the assumption it’s a making sure someone covered it as he passed kidnapping. All we have is a missing officer.” his colleagues on the way into Dobey’s office. He paused to stare at his superior, as if waiting “Close the door,” Dobey ordered. for him to protest, to provide him with all the assuring answers he needed. When Dobey Hutch obeyed. didn’t, he shook his head again, his own voice “And sit down.” sounding bitter to him. “Anything could’ve Hutch did as he was told. He sat with happened.” slumped shoulders, eyes down, sensing that he “Hutch.” was being studied. Hutch didn’t hear. “He could be…” he “You have no idea what could have couldn’t say it. Trailing off, he looked aside, as happened to him, do you?” Dobey asked. if away from something. Something horrible. Hutch shook his head, and when the Dobey’s voice drew his gaze back. “Listen, Captain didn’t speak again muttered, “No.” He we have all units out there looking for him, looked up for a second before he let his eyes right? We’ll find him.” wander off. He shook his head again. “Yeah. One way or another.” “Come on, Hutchinson, think,” Dobey “That attitude doesn't help.” urged, his voice gruff. “There must be “It’s hard not to cop an attitude when something. Maybe a case you two worked on there’s no clues! No trail! No nothing! I don’t recently?” even know where to start looking! I-I…” He “D’you think I didn’t think of that?” Hutch closed his eyes with a grimace, fighting against snapped, and closed his eyes an instant later. his frustrated stutter. He took a breath, trying “I’m sorry.” to calm himself. “I don’t know what to do.” He “Well, there must be something!” Dobey looked away. ignored the incident with his own brand of In the silence that followed, Hutch sensed personal gentleness. “There’re only so many Dobey watching him. He could almost see the

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frown on the captain’s face. When the “Relatives?” uncharacteristic silence stretched too long, he “Of the people Starsky’s shot.” Hutch tried sighed, lifting his gaze to meet the captain’s. to avoid Dobey’s gaze. “We both know it doesn’t look like abduction.” The captain nodded slowly. He sighed and Dobey hardened his expression. “Do you cleared his throat. “Okay. I’ll have someone believe he’s dead?” check on any recent threats against the force in “No.” It came without any hesitation. No general.” need to think about it. “No,” Hutch repeated, “Maybe you should contact Internal Affairs letting go of a small breath, as if relieved at his as well. See if anyone's complained about own answer. Maybe he had just needed that Starsky.” question. “Hutch—” “Then who cares what it looks like?” “We have no clues! We have to consider Hutch nodded and pushed a hand through every possibility until we get a call.” his hair. “I’ve been checking on Marcus’s “Yeah. You’re right.” Resigned, Dobey people. Nothing there so far, though.” sighed and rubbed a hand over his strained Dobey frowned. “That’s a long shot, don’t features. “Let’s get to it then,” he ordered. you think?” “We’ve got no time to lose.” “It has something to do with Starsky. Hutch stood to leave. “No, we don’t.” Something from the past. ” Dobey sounded unconvinced. “Still, ~oOo~ wouldn’t Marcus's crew have turned it into more of a show?” Hours later, Hutch dragged himself up the Maybe they figure this is one. They knew stairs to his apartment. As opposed to coming they’d scare the hell out of both of us.” home to someone after work, coming home Dobey thought about it. It was obvious the with work was nothing to get used to. There prospect distressed him. “But what about was a reason why he and Starsky both avoided demands? They’d want something.” taking files home from the precinct. They were “Yeah, well, maybe they do. There’re no grim reminders of the darker side of their jobs. rules here. They can call anytime they want Shifting the weight of the files under his to.” He shrugged. “Maybe they’re just keeping arm, Hutch sighed. He probably looked like his him for their idea of fun. Wouldn’t be out of old man. He couldn’t remember a day his dad character, would it?” Seeing Dobey’s dismayed hadn’t carried home what looked like half his expression, he sighed. “I don’t know, Captain, office. Even when he’d thought, with all the I’m just trying to find some place to start.” despair of the caged-in minor, that he too “I know that.” would become a lawyer, or maybe a doctor, Hutch watched him, sympathy rising. It Hutch had sworn that he’d never end up taking appeared that Dobey was just now beginning to his work home every night. That conviction realize they were likely facing some act of had only deepened when in the end he’d made revenge, something deeply personal. And it his own decision concerning his job. You scared him, just like it scared Hutch. There couldn’t take that kind of work home with you, were a lot of people who might want to get have its sad slime and grim dirt tainting your back at the detectives, and they all had to be home life. taken very seriously. “Sorry, kids, Daddy can’t play tonight. He “I ordered some files from the archive too,” has to find some dangerous bad people who are Hutch broke the short silence. “To, uh, check at this moment doing things to Uncle Dave that out any relatives.” will haunt us in our sleep.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 117 Hutch grimaced. “Yeah, that’s helping, “He wasn’t at his place when I drove by Hutchinson. Scaring the imaginary progeny.” this morning to pick him up, and no one has But still, maybe he and Starsky really seen him since yesterday.” should consider career changes if either of “What, so he’s…um…wh-what does that—” them had kids one day. As an anecdote to his Audrey stammered, confused. It was obvious own earlier cynicism, he decided to have a talk she had anticipated something more…normal. about that with his partner when he’d found A tough case, an accident, something she could him and things were back to normal. relate to. He had seen the lights on in his living room “He’s probably been kidnapped,” Hutch cut from down the street as he approached, so this her off. “Either that or…” he shook his head. time he just knocked. “It’s me.” Audrey just stared. When she spoke again, it was as if she’d snapped out of a horrified The door was open in seconds. “Hey you.” trance. “That’s…that’s terrible. I’m so sorry, Audrey greeted him, concern softening her Ken.” voice. She was wearing checkered pj’s and no He gave her a small nod. He wanted to be socks, and was obviously waiting up for him. alone. Behind her, Hutch saw the TV on with the “Is there anything I can do? I mean, volume down. anything at all? Has it got something to do with “Hi,” he mumbled, strangely uncomfortable your trip to—” by her offered comfort, and accepted her “Audrey,” Hutch once more interrupted her gentle, welcoming kiss. He stepped inside and gently, yet determined, “I appreciate your she closed the door behind him. offer, I really do. But I need to go through “I made some dinner. It’s in the fridge.” those,” he pointed at the files, “a-and…” he “Thanks. I’m, uh, I’m not really hungry, made a gesture of resignation, trying to cover it b-but, uh, thanks.” Letting the files drop onto with an apologetic smile, “I’m not very good the kitchen table, he watched her hurry over to company right now. I´m sorry.” the TV and turn it off. “Oh, that’s fine, really, I-I understand. He sighed. “Audie, uh—” You, um…” Pointing at the files, she stumbled “I can go if you want me to. No problem, over to the bed where her bag lay, shoving really. I just…” She shrugged, shooting him a aside the clothes she’d worn over. nervous glance. “You sounded awful today. On Her hands were shaking. With an inaudible the phone. I guess I was…worried.” sigh, he averted his eyes. The situation was so Hutch nodded, but didn’t look at her. He obviously too much for her. He almost felt knew he should be touched. Audrey had only compelled to assure her, and that irritated him. recently started to drop by at his place She approached him, bag over her uninvited, taking advantage of his spare key on shoulder, white tennis shoes untied, coat over the door, and he had liked that. It had been a her pj’s. “You’ll find him, right?” huge step. Audrey had turned into someone to Hutch opened his mouth to reply, but no come home to, to relax with after a hard day answer came. out on the streets, to talk to and to listen to. “You’ll just have to give them what they He had always thought she would be want, isn’t that so?” someone to lean on, too, in times like…this. So “It’s complicated, Audrey.” He squeezed why was he feeling he didn’t want that now? her hand. “Thanks for wanting to help.” Still, he owed her an explanation. And a There was something sad about her shy chance. “Starsky’s missing.” smile. “Call me if you need me.” She frowned. “What d’you mean, missing?” “Yeah.”

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He opened the door. She stood there a instinct were what had stood between him and moment and turned once more, locking eyes death almost all his adult life. with him. “I really want to be here for you.” So, with darkness closing in on him, he had And, before he had any chance to answer, she figured it would be easy to stay awake. Way said, “I love you.” She stepped out and pulled easier than before. Though he forced himself the door closed behind her. not to acknowledge it, fearing the impact of his Hutch stood staring at the door, and then own resigned voice inside his head, he could with an unnerved sigh walked back into the feel his strength ebbing. It was still cold, but kitchen. He passed Audrey’s plant on the his fast pacing had warmed him a bit, had even coffee table and stopped to cast it an accusing let him forget about his hunger for a few glare. “You have to give it to her—her timing’s minutes. But he couldn’t keep it up forever. He perfect.” was tiring. And it wasn’t only that. It wasn't her fault, At one point he had cursed himself. It of course, but Audrey had, by her reaction, hadn’t even been twenty-four hours yet, for reminded him just how distressing his job was crying out loud! But his head hurt. He was for normal people. cold. And there was nothing, but nothing to do But he didn’t have time to deal with the in that goddamned shoebox they’d put him in! odd feeling that the woman he was starting to Of course he could go without sleep for love had just failed an important test. He twenty-four hours, hell, longer, much longer. focused on the pile of paper before him, He’d proven that on more than one occasion, wading through suppressed memories of but those had been emergencies. Mostly work- people he’d worked hard to forget. related ones. It was easy to forget about sleep when you had to decide how to play a hostage ~oOo~ situation that threatened to become a tragedy. Or when you had to work through a million It hadn’t been easy, dealing with the night. files for the one name that would save a When the sky grew darker and the pink streaks person’s life. Or when you had to help your of dusk turned a deep blackish blue, Starsky best friend kick heroin. But this, this was like a finally allowed himself to stop his exhausted stakeout where you eventually found out that pacing and slid down in a corner, legs stretched even your own beloved car could get pretty out in front of him, head lolling against the uncomfortable, and that all you wanted was for hard brick. that stupid, stupid, stupid bad guy to show at Darkness was no friend of his. Ever since last, so you could go straight home and crawl he was a kid he'd hated the dark, and the nights into your own warm, comfortable bed and in Vietnam had added to his dislike. His father forget all about your aching muscles and the had once told him that there was nothing in the unnerving stress of waiting and…and your dark that wasn’t there by daylight. He wasn’t eyes would fly open a few times, startled, and afraid of his own room, was he? you’d listen to your partner’s soft snoring But for little Davey, things were not the coming from the back seat and think how same at night as they were during the daylight much you just hated stakeouts. hours, and the adult had learned to respect the Of course this was an emergency, and a dark as a powerful weapon that your enemies frightening one, but not sleeping for the sake of could turn against you. With one of your staying awake was like not eating on a diet. It senses blocked, you were close to complete was the focus on not doing something that helplessness, and to Starsky, his senses and made it hard.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 119 So he’d ordered himself not to think about overwhelming exhaustion. God, he was so it. Not to chide himself and for heaven’s sake, tired. not answer himself. The last thing he needed During the night, he’d been too worn out to was to hear that “But there’s nothing to think, so he'd decided to try and find some fucking do!” circle inside his head. answers when the daylight came. It’d be almost What he could work with was fear of the like going to work the next day. But in this dark. room, morning was only a stretching out of the If you fell asleep, the monsters got you. night, and he was still beat. He still found it Darkness was no friend of his. It sensed his hard to concentrate on possible explanations or despair and for once in his life came softly, solutions. soothingly. Stroked his heavy lids, eased the He had never seen the mysterious lady, the burning strain in his eyes. Filled the room like master of the game, before. He had no idea a comfortable blanket. Made it so easy to doze what this was all about, apart from the obvious off. Sleep, just sleep…. fact that it was about him and Hutch. Revenge? In the end, he had had to turn to cheap A precaution? Against what? Or both. Or tricks to fight it: focus on his empty stomach, neither. Man, he was tired. shake his head to aggravate the nagging pain, If only he knew she was coming back that imagine Hutch’s death. The last tactic finally day. We’ll leave you in here. For some time. helped. The mere thought was enough to keep Just how much time was ‘some time’? Surely sleep at bay for a long time. Experience had she’d return to check on him after twenty-four taught Starsky that. hours, right? Even if she planned on continuing So he managed not to fall asleep during the with this, she must know he’d need something long lullaby that was the cruel darkness, and to drink soon. the morning light came to him almost like a Great. Now he was thirsty. returning friend. At the sound of the first birds Blinking up at the ceiling, annoyed, he outside, he sighed in relief. tried to push back the thoughts of how dry his Over the morning hours, though, something throat felt, and instead think about whom she weird happened. He knew he hadn’t slept, but could be working for. After all, hadn’t she said sometimes the frightful thought hit him that he riddles would help? had. That he had dreamt something had In the end, he listed names for what felt happened to Hutch, not just thought about it. In like hours, but was probably not, because the his foggy mind it seemed like the newborn sky still had an early morning look. He light had just awakened him, not lightened stopped. This was ridiculous. He had no clues while he'd watched. whatsoever as to who she was, what she Panic rose. No, he hadn’t slept. Hell, he wanted, or how she’d come up with a sick idea could tell the difference between waking up like this. What was the point in keeping him and being awake! He had managed the dark, awake? Did she plan to do something to him and now it was light again and…. later? He had once read that sleep deprivation A desperate noise echoed through the made you more easily programmed. And if that room. All of a sudden, he wasn’t staring at the was the deal, then programmed for what? But sky anymore, but at the door. No one came then, there were drugs for stuff like that, too. through it. That’s when he realized that he’d Besides, he had read that in a sci-fi been the one to make the sound. magazine…. And now here it was, another day with He shook his head, and winced. Stop nothing for him to do but fight off thinking funny, Detective. C’mon, focus. She

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must be working for someone you know. “I mean, when I gotta go.” Someone you pissed off. Or Hutch pissed off. “There’s the floor, buddy. You’ll have to He thought for a moment, then groaned, deal with it.” annoyed. Another list of names formed before “Hold on just a damn minute,” Starsky his inner eye. It was getting him nowhere. said. The guard walked back to the door, Resigned, he closed his eyes—and snapped ignoring him. The door was pulled shut again, them open again instantly. Had he dozed off? the key once more sending an echo through the The sky looked the same. Had they come room. back? The door looked the same. Starsky stumbled forward, hitting the door. Before he fully registered what he was “No! No, wait! You gotta be kidding! Come doing, he jumped to his feet, pounding at the back! Come back!” There was no answer. The door with his cuffed hands. “Hey! Lady! key kept its silence. C’mon, get in here! Hey! Anyone! I want some “Oh God.” He slumped against the wall answers! Get back here! Hello! Anyone!” and slid down to the ground, desperate eyes He coughed more than he yelled, his throat wandering up to stare at the outside sky. was so dry, and eventually he got too hoarse to “Please.” continue. Exhausted, he stumbled back against ~oOo~ a wall for support. His knuckles hurt. He’d bruised them pretty good, and a few spots were It started to rain. Lazy, large drops plopped bleeding. He touched them and then stopped, down to Earth like fat grapes grown too heavy thinking. Pressed the cuts again. for the vine. Scary how alert a little pain could make Standing at the window in Dobey’s office, you. Hutch watched listlessly. Do you see the rain, He hit the wall. Then again. buddy? Is it raining where you are? Hearing A thin streak of blood ran down his left Dobey entering behind him, the door closing, index finger. He watched, trying to hold his he blinked up into the darkening sky. Are you shaking hands still in front of him. How long warm enough? Is it dark? he kept hitting the wall, studying the damage “Hutchinson?” and adding more, he couldn’t tell, but when the “Yeah.” Turning, Hutch stretched his tired sound of a key turning in the door rattled muscles and walked past the desk to sink into through the silence, he jumped, whirling the chair in front of it. With a touch of resigned around on his heels to face the visitor. anger, he folded his arms in front of him and It was one of Lady Writer’s bodyguards. shook his head, not looking up. “Nothing.” He stuck his head inside, searching for the Dobey studied him for a brief moment, prisoner. then shook his head as well. “Same here.” “I’m awake,” Starsky croaked out, cleared Hutch let go of a deep breath, shoulders his throat. “See?” Pushing himself away from slumping, and put his hands up to rub his face. the wall, he took an uncertain step forward. “Okay,” he mumbled. “I’m going to start going “Awake.” through recent cases. Think you can spare The guard walked over and picked up the someone to help me?” gallon jug, grimacing with disgust. He replaced “Already have.” Dobey picked up the it with another. bunch of paper he’d brought in and handed it “Well, what about when I have to go to the over to Hutch. bathroom?” asked Starsky. “What’s this?” Flipping through the pages, “Here’s the jug.” Hutch furrowed his brows. “Grossman,

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 121 Humphrey, Harmon…” At the next name, his in its notorious bureaucratic way, had yet to eyes jumped to Dobey’s face. “Forest? What is declare it “just a car” as opposed to “evidence.” this?” So he’d taken the LTD to check out the “Lists of everyone recently contacted in three people who lived in the city who had had prison—visitors, telephone calls, guards they the doubtful pleasure of receiving phone calls bribed…” from Ben Forest. The first two visits had gotten “But,” Hutch started, “those are—” him nowhere. One had been to a student’s “People who’d all just love to see you right house where Forest’s son used to live. The now.” Dobey smiled. "Wouldn't they?" second had sent him to a former employee of Taken off guard, Hutch closed his mouth the kingpin. The man had gone straight and and nodded. “Right.” He looked at the names was a nervous wreck at having a policeman show up at his door. The third name on the list again. “Well…I'd better get to work then.” He was Lyle Burgen. Hutch had never heard of stood to leave. “Thanks, Cap’n.” him before, and didn’t know how the man “Hutch?” knew Forest. He only hoped it wasn’t someone One hand already on the doorknob, Hutch he’d recognize. lifted his head, but didn’t turn. “Yeah?” The building was ugly, though not cheap- “If it turns out one of them is behind it all, looking, same with the neighborhood. Hutch you wouldn’t be so dumb as to blame yourself, flashed his badge, and Burgen let him in. The would you?” apartment was showy—Burgen fit in perfectly. Hutch blew out a long breath. “Who, me?” Like a king in his own castle, he wore a gold He left. bathrobe over shirt and pants and matching ~oOo~ slippers. Hutch couldn’t help an internal shudder as A missing person has a fair chance of he followed Burgen through the wide living survival within the first forty-eight hours after room and took the offered seat on the sofa. his disappearance. Anything beyond that the Burgen’s whole persona—his behavior, statistics consider a miracle. appearance, everything—reminded him of Ben Screw the statistics. I was still alive after Forest, who, as Burgen proudly told him, was forty-eight hours. an old college friend. Hutch pretended to write But then, his abduction wasn’t an example down Burgen´s freely given information, to cling to for comfort. Besides, forty-eight wondering if the man knew who he was. hours weren’t up yet. He still had all night. “So, Detective—?” “Hutchinson.” Hutch pushed the driver’s door shut and “Yes. Why are you asking all these studied the big ugly house he was about to questions about Ben?” enter. As if to distract him from his darkening “Just routine. Every few months we check thoughts, the LTD’s driver side door unlatched the calls a prisoner makes and pick out one or so that Hutch had to shove it closed again two to check out in person. No big deal.” before the horn informed the whole “I never heard of that routine before. Nice.” neighborhood of his arrival. As much as he Hutch smiled. “Is there any reason why treasured his car, sometimes it just drove him you should have?” nuts. Most of what he loved seemed to have A shadow fell over Burgen´s features. “Just that twist, he thought dryly. curious, Detective.” He’d rather have taken the Torino, the “Yeah.” Hutch nodded, looking down at ugly, loud, lucky charm that had never failed to his notes again. “Can you tell me what your get his partner back home safely. But the lab, last conversation with Mr. Forest was about?”

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Burgen shrugged. “The usual.” The door closed, and Hutch frowned at it. “What’s usual?” Hutch asked patiently. For “What makes you think you helped, pal?” Forest? Do I really wanna know? He sat in the LTD, thinking. Had Burgen “Um…” Burgen frowned, apparently just realized who Hutch was, what his searching his memory. “I’m trying to keep an connection was to his old pal Forest? He called eye on his son for him, so we talked about the Dispatch. "I need a check on a Lyle Burgen, latest…well, troubles. I think I’m his only local publisher. I want a list of every author connection to the real world these days. I really he’s published and every book he's ever sold. can’t recall exactly what we talked about. Thanks.” Probably anecdotes and business talk.” Casting Burgen´s house a narrow glance, “Business?” Hutch started the engine. Burgen´s expression hardened. “Listen, I know what you’re aiming at and let me tell ~oOo~ you, just because Ben’s a friend of mine doesn’t have to mean I’m like him, okay? I The list of authors and books wasn’t as know perfectly well why he is where he is, and impressive as Burgen´s obvious wealth had believe me, I’ve no intention of ever following indicated. Burgen, Hutch realized, wasn't in the his example. Do you understand?” business of selling books. Rather, he sold the Hutch wasn’t impressed. “Please just promise of literary fame. Unknown authors answer the question, Mr. Burgen. What paid the man ungodly amounts of money to business do you mean?” print their novels, story collections, poetry, and “I’m a publisher.” children’s books. Burgen would print a first Hutch blinked. He hadn’t seen a single edition run of maybe a hundred copies as book in the house on his way from the front door to the living room. cheaply as possible and then pretend to try and “I sometimes tell Ben about new talents I sell them to bookshops all over the country. discovered. He’s a very educated man. Very Few of the books ever actually sold, but as interested in culture, literature.” most of his income came directly from the “Oh yeah.” Hutch nodded slowly, authors, he didn't care. He didn’t even read stretching the words. “So I heard. Well,” he what was sent to him, Hutch figured, recalling said, clapping his notebook closed and the publisher’s bookless home. standing, “Thanks for your time, Mr. Burgen.” Most of the titles and names meant nothing He forced his lips into a smile. to Hutch. He started to feel frustrated, thinking Burgen returned the smile and followed that his instincts had led him astray, when him back to the front door, “You’re welcome, suddenly his finger froze over the list above Detective—?” He arched his brows, waiting one particular writer’s name. for an answer. He obviously hadn’t listened the That one he’d seen before. first time Hutch introduced himself. He had the While his inner archivist worked on feeling that Burgen made a habit of forgetting unburying the file to match it, he was already names—it was his way of showing what he reaching for the phone. “Phil? Hi, this is thought of you. Hutch. Listen, I need a favor. Yeah, well, so I “Hutchinson.” owe you for a change, okay? Good. I want you To Hutch's surprise, Burgen suddenly to run a check on Anne Galesko. Gales— yes, looked speculative, then fearful. His nervous she’s a wri—” He listened, his fingers smile failed to hide it. tightening around the receiver. “Are you sure?” “Y-yes. Right. Hutchinson. I’m sorry. Well, I’m glad I could help. Goodbye.” ~oOo~

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 123 When had it stopped raining? question—just count the dark phases—but he Frowning, Starsky bent his head forward couldn’t remember a time when he hadn't been away from the wall. A sudden dizzy spell cold, hungry, and tired. At some point in the caught him off guard and he almost fell onto last hours, he had succumbed to a little mind his side. Wearily, he let himself sink to his trick he sometimes played on himself on knees, forehead touching the cold concrete stakeouts or camping trips. He would floor. concentrate on how he’d feel afterward, later, His stomach rumbled. when he would no longer be able to recall the When had it stopped raining? He must have feelings of cold and hunger. seen it stop. He hadn’t done anything but stare The tactic hadn’t had the desired effect. at the grayish shadowy sky for hours, and it Instead, it made him angry, and anger was had rained the whole time. When had it tiring. He hated this helplessness, even more stopped? than not being able to sleep, more than getting Oh God, he had dozed off. He had dozed so hungry he was sick. If only he knew for sure off. It had been raining and now it wasn’t that Hutch was safe. If only he could anymore and he’d just now noticed. He’d communicate with his partner, tell him he was fallen asleep. okay. Mostly okay. A sudden wave of fury washed through If only this would just end. If only they’d him, and he snapped his head up, hitting the let him sleep. floor with the flat of his hand. Damn it, he He blinked, startled when his butt suddenly knew he never should’ve sat down and rested. hit the ground. He must have slid down Rest was the last thing he needed in here. What without noticing. Shivering, he drew his knees he needed was caffeine. Or a serious adrenaline toward his nose and rested his forehead on shock. them. The pounding pain in his head matched His heart hammered in his chest. He sat the rhythm of his heart. There was something upright again, facing the window. Suddenly he ironic about that fact, something he’d have frowned, narrowing his eyes. He stumbled to made a joke of, if only he wasn't too exhausted his feet and over to the wall where the window was, high above his head. There. Drops. to be funny. Raindrops. It hadn’t stopped, it was just easing Help, Hutch. up. A sudden rattling made him jump. He Why would he think it had stopped? stumbled as he tried to stand, and fell back It didn't matter. He hadn’t dozed off. That's down. He tried again, leaning against the wall all that mattered. for support. Relief flooded him, and he leaned against “I’m awake! Awake.” He made it to his the wall, closing his eyes. Who could sleep in feet. this freezing cold, anyway? Two people entered the room. He shivered hard, and opened his eyes. “Look, don’t go.” He hated how needy he They were the only parts of his body that felt sounded, but couldn't help it. remotely warm. Almost hot. Uncomfortably “Wow.” Mocking sympathy colored the sticky, too, as if they’d been glued. He rubbed familiar female voice. “Look at you. You could a clammy, aching hand over them. be the poster child for a ‘Don’t drive tired!’ Outside, the rain whooshed, a soft, almost campaign, y’know?” soothing sound. Again there was the perfect retort forming How long had he been here? Starsky in Starsky’s mind, but all he got out was, frowned. He knew it shouldn’t be a hard “Please don’t just leave.”

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“Aw.” Galesko tilted her head. “Tsk, tsk. He sat huddled for a long time before he Would we do that?” She smiled. “Actually, mustered the will to move and get the water since we’re so proud of you for staying in the bottle. He half-crawled into another corner, game, we brought you something.” away from the plate and the food. With a That got Starsky’s immediate attention. He twinge of bitterness, he thanked the Powers blinked and waited. That Held Him that they hadn’t brought She stepped aside to let her second something cooked. Something that smelled bodyguard enter. He carried a plate with two good. Sandwiches should be easy to ignore. sandwiches and a bottle of water on top, “Hah!” His voice sounded muffled against putting it down in a corner of the room. his drawn-up knees. “You call that torture? Starsky’s eyes stayed on the plate like a laser Cucumber? Yuck. Cucumber’s as easy to connected him to it. He barely noticed the ignore as—” other bodyguard changing out the plastic jugs A particularly sharp pain and a loud again. Not that he had much use for it at this rumbling in his stomach cut him off. point. He’d eaten nothing and drank very little. “Aw, shut up,” Starsky told it, but he was “It’s all yours, Dave. But …” She obviously too tired to sound very authoritative, grimaced, as if regretting what she had to say because it didn’t listen. He winced at the next next. “There’s a catch.” pain, and swallowed hard. “C’mon, you gotta Starsky looked at her, silent, and waited. be kidding,” he whispered desperately. Her voice was gentle. “You can drink the “Cucumber, man! That’s icky!” Another water. I’m sorry we didn’t bring it sooner, but rumble. “You’re disgusting. Why would I listen to you, anyway? Just because I normally it’s a long drive out here, y’know?” She gave do.” an apologetic shrug. “Anyway, you may also He let his head fall back and looked against eat—hope you like cucumber on your his will at the plate. “‘Terrific. Gives the sandwiches—but that’ll mean we kill Hutch.” saying ‘go with the feeling’ a whole new She paused, frowning to herself, as if she’d meaning.” thought of something else and then smiled, Starsky hugged his knees closer. The chills wrinkling her nose. “I really do like that returned, and his left temple sank onto one nickname. So cute." She stopped for a moment. knee. He pressed his face harder against his "Well, is there anything else I can do for you knee in a futile attempt to find warmth. He before we leave you to…whatever you’ve been could feel the aches in his muscles from when doing?” he’d been shoved into the wall the day before. He had no confidence that she’d answer, Go with the feeling. but he tried anyway. “Tell me why.” He breathed in deeply through his nose. “Dave, come on. If I tell you why, what’re The darkness of his closed eyes was so you gonna do to keep yourself occupied ’til comforting…just go with the feeling…. next time, hm?” The back of his neck hurt, and he shifted Starsky looked at her eyes. “I’m sure I’ll his head. One hand absently reached out to rub think of something.” his cold, bare feet. He blinked his eyes open, She smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Enjoy your and found himself looking at his own toes. lunch.” Shivering, he groaned in frustration. As if on Her companions closed the door behind cue, his stomach rumbled. Go with the feeling. them. Starsky forced himself not to slide down He stretched his arms with a yawn, got to to the floor again in a miserable heap. He his feet, and walked over to the window, listened to the key turn in the lock. singing under his breath. “Sunshine go away

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 125 today….” Then he paused, frowned. “It’s stories. The flood of articles and interviews on raining, dummy.” Suddenly giddy, he chuckled the news and in the daily papers had been bad and continued to sing a few lines, stopped enough. Knowing that every heart-wrenching again and shrugged. “Anything’s better than detail in at least one of them was true had ‘Leaving On A Jetplane.’” eventually made Hutch ignore the reports about It didn’t take him a minute to switch to that the matter altogether. It had been too one. disturbing. He even remembered talking to Starsky ~oOo~ about it, but only for the two minutes his impatient partner had let him. The Galesko Anne Galesko, the offspring of a wealthy story was scary, and Starsky hated scary stuff. east-coast clan, had written for Lyle Burgen´s In the end she had gone free on a publishing concern more than any other author, technicality that stunned the public. The which in most cases only meant more than arresting officer, a young man less than a year once. She'd even managed to sell a short story on the force, was interrupted and aggressively to a local newspaper before some journalist pursued by an over-zealous news team acting had discovered that Miss Galesko’s on a hot tip as he’d made the collar, and in the disturbingly brutal plot was based on reality. In confusion had neglected to read his prisoner fact, the only fictional things in the story were her rights. The mistake ultimately kept Galesko the character’s name and profession. His real- out of jail. life counterpart had been an unemployed Hutch remembered his reaction back then, homeless man, desperate for the money the all too familiar frustration at the power of Galesko offered. bureaucracy. It was always the same old story, As the lady said later in court, she saw wasn’t it? herself more as a "painter of sentences," so that Afterward, Galesko had vanished, and she had to see her scenarios enacted in order to eventually the memory of her crime faded. capture the literary truth behind them. You’re a one-hit lunatic, lady. Hutch stared Anne’s human guinea pig had died from down at the explanation for Galesko’s hypothermia, locked in a freezing room for disappearance on his desk. She had legally days. According to her lawyer, family changed her name to Anne Herrick. problems that forced her departure had simply And Anne Herrick had been on the short caused her to forget to free the poor man from list of out-of-towners who had visited Ben the warehouse. An accident. Forest in prison within the last six weeks. Sitting at his desk in the precinct, copies of old newspaper articles spread out in front of ~oOo~ him, Hutch recalled his disgust at reading about Galesko’s little game. After the Hutch immediately notified Captain Dobey journalist from the newspaper dragged the of his discovery, and the captain began whole thing into the open, the scandal had been coordinating a search for Herrick. Later that huge. No one had ever heard of Anne Galesko same day, Hutch sat at his desk, covered with before—in addition to lacking a conscience, every conceivable scrap of information he’d she also lacked talent—but now her other been able to find regarding Anne Galesko. He stories were printed nationwide, and a huge grabbed one of her stories lying on top of an publishing company had bought the rights to untidy pile. In the end he’d flipped through it her books from Lyle Burgen. and put it back again, the same as he’d done Hutch could clearly remember the whole about ten times already. He just couldn’t bring media hysteria, but he'd never read any of her himself to read one, though he knew he should.

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He was waiting for Favor Phil, his bureau smiled and it was just the same—wide and snitch, to come through with the name and cruel, more of a grimace than a smile. current address of the editor who’d first printed Even in his innocuous orange jumper, Ben the horrible stories and who, according to the Forest looked dangerous. At least to Hutch. DA, had known perfectly well that they were Forest nodded his head in mock greeting based on fact rather than fiction. Nothing had and sat down behind the glass wall, picking up been proved, but the editor had lost his job as a the receiver on the wall. Hutch clenched his result and moved since then. jaws, trying hard to hide rising panic. He As Hutch waited for Phil's call, his gaze hadn’t seen Forest after the trial, had never wandered from the Galesko files to the spoken to the man again. Truth be told, the Galesko stories. He watched his hand reach out reason why he tried so hard to forget for the story lying open on top of the pile. He everything about Forest was that, deep down, couldn't pick it up. he was still afraid of him. Come on, coward. It’s just a story. Forest was different from all the other Right. Who was he trying to kid? He began criminals who’d left their signature on his to pull his hand back, but caught one sentence life—different than Grossman, who’d taken his somewhere in the middle of the third beloved Gillian from him, or Humphrey. Or paragraph. the men who had hurt Starsky over the years, “He still could not see them," Hutch read, like Simon Marcus, or Prudholm. He hated "and when he felt the cold tip of a syringe them, maybe, but he wasn’t afraid of them. touch his bare skin, he panicked.” Ben Forest he feared. Always had. Not Hutch’s body went numb. because the kingpin had hurt him, or because he had almost succeeded in killing him, but “…he didn’t know what it was they had because he had controlled him. Totally. given him, and for a second he was too He remembered pleading for Forest not to frightened to even breathe when suddenly, leave him. For Forest to stay and “help” him. mercifully, everything changed. He felt good. The rational part of him knew it had been He felt free.” because of the drugs, but the memory haunted His phone rang and he yelped. Ducking his him, and he retained a completely irrational head at the puzzled glances from his fear of the one person who had ever held that colleagues, Hutch picked up the phone. He kind of power over him. swallowed and tried to find his voice. “Y- Forest was his own personal bogeyman. yeah? Phil?” An image they apparently both shared, He scribbled the address Phil gave him and Hutch thought when he met Forest’s cold grin, hung up, looking at the story again. Drawn to it mockingly polite and questioning. Even now, it against his will, he continued to read. “He seemed as if Forest was the one in charge, as if didn’t feel the ropes anymore. Inside his head he had called and Hutch had followed and not he was free. He would do anything to keep that the other way around. freedom.” “Well, well,” Forest said, his normally gruff tone almost soft, his eyes on the ~oOo~ detective. Hutch couldn’t fight the unnerving thought that he was an open book to the man. The forty-eight hours were up. He looked away. Hutch’s whole body tensed as Ben Forest “Hutch. Never thought I’d see you again.” entered the visitor’s area of the county jail. Hutch cringed a little at the use of the Time had added more gray to the dark hair, and nickname. He swallowed dryly and forced a few new wrinkles to the man’s face. He himself to look up again.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 127 Forest smiled at the continuing silence. Forest shrugged a wordless yes. He looked “So, tell me, what can I do for you, Detective?” closely at Hutch, his eyes showing a sly Bemused, he tilted his head, looking at Hutch humor. “You read your story,” he said, almost in mock suspicion. He lowered his voice. beaming. “How d’you like it?” “Don’t tell me you...need anything. Hm?” He “I prefer a more simple style,” Hutch winked. answered. He waited for a moment, studying Hutch’s lips formed a humorless smile. He the man. Something about Forest’s reaction to had anticipated that. In fact, Forest’s insults their change of topic set off alarm bells in his helped him deal with his fear. They were head, but he couldn’t be sure if it was his cop’s meaningless and showed weakness rather than instinct alerting him or just because anything power. that made Ben Forest smile had that effect on him. Leaning forward, Hutch rested his elbow An idea hit him. on the narrow counter. A faint reflection of his “Nice outfit,” said Hutch. “Orange suits face and upper body appeared on the glass next you.” to Forest. Catching the tone in the blond’s voice, “I spoke to Lyle Burgen this morning. I’m Forest lifted his head, listening for the meaning impressed. Didn’t think you had any friends.” behind the words. He glanced down at his Forest shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a clothes. “You think? Well,” he looked up nice guy. We just didn’t hit it off, I guess.” He again, “I suppose police officers aren’t raised one brow with a smirk. “Though I seem required to have good taste, anyway.” to recall a time you...shall we say craved...my “You could be right there. But then, I don’t company?” think it’s a requirement in jail, either.” Hutch Once more, Hutch blocked the sarcasm waited to be sure he had Forest’s total with a wry smile. “Oh yeah? Can’t remember.” attention, then continued, “From what your He paused, watching Forest, trying to figure bookstore friend told me, it seems you’re out how to begin. He had no doubts that if suffering from a certain...let’s say, lack of style Forest had something to do with Starsky’s in here?” He lifted is brows questioningly. disappearance, he’d admit it easily. After all, “That what Lyle said?” Forest asked. what was the point if he couldn’t see the effect Hutch drew the corners of his mouth down, it had on Hutch? But if he wasn’t involved, the agreeing. “Oh yeah. Was quite a heart- news would only provide him with a good warming tale.” laugh. A brief pause followed, both men looking directly at each other. Bracing himself for the conversation he “And now,” Forest finally spoke, “you feel knew he had to endure, Hutch asked, “Tell me obliged to help a suffering citizen, Detective?” about Anne Herrick.” Hutch shrugged. “Maybe. It depends.” Forest blinked as if surprised. “She’s an old And there it was. A grin as huge as his role friend.” in the whole scheme spread over Forest’s lips. “Who recently called you,” Hutch added. A twinkle in his eye confirmed it, gave it all “Yes.” away. “What did you talk about?” It took all Hutch had to not look away. He Forest watched him blandly. “The weather.” heart sped up, with hope or fear he wasn’t sure. Hutch smiled and nodded. “Lyle Burgen The suspicions he’d had of Forest’s told me she’s one of your favorites. Writers, I involvement were confirmed completely for mean,” he added ironically. him. He was just as certain that his offer of a

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deal meant nothing to Forest. What Forest “Burgen! Police! Open up! Mr. Burgen, open wanted was this very moment. To see the the door. Police—" realization sink in Hutch’s eyes, to feel that he Hutch heard hasty footsteps inside. He could still control him. To hear him beg once drew in a deep breath. more. “Open—” “Depends on what?” Forest asked. The door opened wide on his shout. Hutch watched him for a long moment, his “Stop yelling!” Burgen hissed, fury written mind racing. Anne Galesko—or Herrick—was all over his features. His hand on the door a dangerous, crazy woman, but her crimes shook, and the bathrobe over his checkered weren’t committed out of revenge or hate. pajamas was untied. He was barefoot, his hair They were done solely for perpetuating her disheveled. All in all, the man was a mess. work as an “artist.” She was the perfect Hutch grinned. “Sir. May I come in?” weapon for Forest to use from jail for the very “It’s the middle of the night!” Burgen reason that she could function on her own, ranted. “How dare you show up at this hour? didn’t need guidance or suggestions. She was Do you have a warrant?” independent. Leaning in closer, Hutch lowered his voice, The pieces clicked together, and suddenly locking eyes with Burgen. “If you don’t let me Hutch was sure that whatever Galesko did to in and answer my questions now, I’ll turn on Starsky, she did on her own. As much as that the police siren until each and every one of thought scared the shit out of him, it also your spotless WASP neighbors knows you’ve meant that Forest wasn’t as nearly in control of had a nighttime visit from the cops. Your the situation as he pretended. choice, pal.” Abruptly, Hutch straightened on the chair, Burgen stared at him. “You have no right focusing on Forest. The man looked like a pit to—” bull, ready to attack. “Okay.” Hutch shrugged and turned, but Hutch’s features hardened. “Thanks for stopped when he felt a frantic tug on his arm. your help.” “Hutchinson! Wait.” Forest’s face fell. He opened his mouth to Hutch looked over his shoulder and blinked protest, but Hutch cut him off, his stare innocently. piercing. “You have nothing to tell me. Ben.” Burgen sighed. “Come in,” he said through He leaned in close, closer, until his nose almost gritted teeth. He held the door wide. touched the glass. He smiled. “Enjoy your life. “Thank you.” Hutch smiled and pushed Such as it is.” past him through the doorway. “How kind.” Hutch hung up. He left the room without Shooting him a glare, Burgen jerked the looking back, walking slowly, casually. It belt of his bathroom around him and tied it. He wasn’t until the door to the visitor area fell shut led his visitor into the kitchen. “Sit.” that he let himself fall against the nearest wall, Hutch sat, watching Burgen pour himself a breathing deeply, staring at the ceiling and glass of water, gulp it down, and lean against waiting for the pounding of his heart to slow the kitchen counter. For a moment, neither down. spoke. Hutch broke the silence, his voice calm and ~oOo~ unthreatening. “You know why I’m here, don’t you?” Hutch pounded on Lyle Burgen´s door. “I can guess,” Burgen replied. His anger When there was no answer, he yelled. seemed to fade. “Though I don’t understand

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 129 what it is you want from me. I told you I’m not from a drawer, scribbled down an address and working for Ben. I’m just a friend.” handed it over to Hutch. “Detective? May I ask “Yet you know about me.” you something? Today, that wasn’t routine, Burgen averted his eyes. “Yeah.” was it?” Hutch studied the man, trying to read him. “No.” Hutch read the small piece of paper “Did Anne Galesko and Forest meet through and stashed it in his pocket. When he looked you?” up again his gaze was hard, accusing. “May I “Yes, at a party. I had shown him some of ask you something too?” her work, and he was impressed.” He waved “What?” his hand in the air, his street origins coming “D’you ever get rid of all the dirt that sticks through in the way that he spoke. “Me, I don’t to your life?” read, ya know? I had no idea what it was she A shadow settled in Burgen´s eyes. He put was writing. I give Ben everything I get. He’s his hands into his bathrobe pockets. “I don’t very—” define myself by what my friends do, “Interested in literature. Yeah, you said that Detective. Do you?” before.” “Yeah. I do.” Without waiting for a “Yeah. Well…I guess that answers your reaction, Hutch turned, but stopped at the front next question, doesn’t it?” door. “Mr. Burgen?” “Which would be?” “What? Are you going to tell me not to Burgen frowned. “If Ben used Anne’s idea leave the city?” for…well…” He made a feeble gesture in “No, go ahead. But don’t be surprised if Hutch’s direction. you’re followed.” Hutch nodded. “Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that’s “Wh…hey, wait a second! Why would the answered, you’re right. But…I’m not police follow me? I didn’t do anything!” interested in the past, Lyle.” “Ask your friends,” Hutch said, opening The frown deepened. “What d’you mean?” the door, “when they’re allowed to receive “When you spoke to Forest on the phone phone calls again.” the other day, did he mention Anne?” Two more lights went on in the neighboring “How…yes, he did. He asked about her, houses when Hutch slammed the door shut how she’s doing, if she’s still writing after behind him. The driver’s side door of the LTD what they did to her and so on. I gave him her unlatched again, and he let the car horn blare as address in San Fran. Why?” long as it took him to start the engine. “So you still have contact with her?” “Me? No. She’s on my Christmas card list, ~oOo~ but that’s it. She doesn’t write anymore, and we never were, well, close. I was just her The freshly washed morning sky flooded publisher.” the room with bright light gleaming on the “But you read her story. The one where limp figure’s hair and casting shadows over his she’d strung out someone.” features. Even in sleep, a pained frown creased “No.” Burgen shook his head. “I told you, I his forehead. hate reading. Ben told me about it. After…” Dobey stood at the door and shook his head Once more, he gestured at Hutch. at the sight. He entered the room and For a moment, Hutch just studied him. approached the desk to gently shake his Finally he nodded. “Okay. I want her address.” shoulder. “Hutch.” “Sure.” Burgen shrugged. “Come into the Hutch mumbled something unintelligible, living room.” He produced a black notebook frowned deeper and started awake, head

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snapping up, wild eyes finding Dobey’s. Someone who needs the money and has the “Wh-what…oh. Captain.” Blinking a few means.” times, he shook his head as if to clear it. He A shadow rose over Dobey’s features. pushed a hand through his hair, then over his “You think she’s writing about it?” he asked in face. He glanced outside the window. His face disgust. fell when he saw how light it was outside. Hutch nodded gravely. “Think about it, “Did you spend the night here?” asked Captain. What’s Forest getting out of this if I Dobey. never find out what happens to Starsky?” “Uh…no,” Hutch answered, his voice still Hutch didn’t meet the captain’s sluggish. He checked the clock. “Just came sympathetic gaze. He stared into nothingness back a couple of hours ago and called San until Dobey’s gruff voice drew his attention Francisco PD with an address for Galesko. back. They checked it out. The place Burgen said she “You didn’t answer my earlier question. lived at was empty. Apparently she moved What do you mean you had him brought here?” within the last week or so. The landlord didn’t The shadows on Hutch’s face vanished, know where to.” Furrowing his brow, he giving way to pure innocence. He looked up at looked at his captain again. “D’you always get his superior. “Uh…I, uh, had him arrested.” here this early?” “For what?” Dobey asked suspiciously. Dobey cleared his throat as if he’d been Hutch's smile widened into a nervous grin. caught red-handed and ignored the question. “I’ll, uh, tell you, when I’ve come up with “Any other news? Or do I have to give my something.” ‘running yourself sick won’t help him’ speech Though the look he gave Hutch spoke again?” volumes, Dobey didn’t reply. He stood and Hutch smiled, shaking his head. “No, I’ve headed for his office. “Keep me posted,” he just been waiting for a, uh, witness to be ordered and closed the door behind him. processed and taken to the interrogation room. “Yes, sir.” Hutch glanced at the clock Had him brought here after I checked the again, and then looked outside. D’you see the address.” sky where you are, Starsk? Are you awake? He “Yeah, how is that going? D’you really yawned, rubbed his tired eyes. Hold on, think it’s a lead?” He sat down across from partner. Just hold on. Hutch. “Oh yes,” Hutch nodded grimly. “It’s a ~oOo~ lead all right.” “So Galesko and Forest know each other.” The man inside the interrogation room He watched Hutch nod. “Okay, now who’s the lifted his head from his folded arms on the witness?” Hit by a sudden thought, he frowned. desk when Hutch entered. He was about ten “What do you mean, you had him ‘brought years older than Hutch, with black hair gone to here’ in the middle of the night?” silver, and he looked decidedly pissed off. To His expression wary, Hutch’s next words Hutch’s tired amusement he wore red striped came carefully. “His name’s Tim McCullen, pajamas under his coat. Hutch had informed and he used to be Galesko’s editor.” the units he’d sent out to “show McCullen the Dobey lifted his eyebrows. way to the precinct” of the man’s possible role “If I’m right about her,” Hutch continued, in Starsky’s disappearance. It was a very “she’s using the opportunity Forest gave her to protective family, the force. write a new…masterpiece. And if that’s the “Mr. McCullen?” Hutch said, closing the case, she’ll need someone to get it into print. door with his foot. He carried two steaming Someone she can trust. Who has connections. cups of coffee into the room.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 131 McCullen just glared. “I haven’t seen Anne for years, I’m sorry.” “Good morning,” Hutch continued. He put McCullen lifted his hands defensively, and the coffee down on the table and took a seat. when there was still no reaction from the “I’m Detective Hutchinson. Coffee?” blond, added, “You’re wasting your time.” McCullen watched in silence, but he took “It’s my time.” the cup he was handed and sipped at the hot “Okay.” With a shrug, McCullen took brew. another sip of his coffee, eyes never leaving “I’m sorry you had to wait so long.” Hutch Hutch. After a few seconds he spoke again, as leaned back in his chair and shrugged if unable to bear the silence. “What do you apologetically. “Seems we forgot about you. want from Anne?” Late working hours, you know?” “Why d’you care?” McCullen finally spoke, his voice colored “We used to be very close. Is it a crime to by suppressed anger. “Why am I here?” care about an old friend?” Hutch frowned as if thinking. “Well, the “No. But aiding in a kidnapping is.” report read that resisted a police officer.” McCullen didn’t answer for a long “Yeah,” McCullen nodded. “Because he moment. At last he said, “I want to call my wouldn’t tell me what the charge is. He lawyer.” dragged me out of bed and slapped cuffs on “You can call your lawyer. After you’ve me.” told me what I want to know.” “Really?” Hutch asked, as if surprised. He “I have the right to call—” tilted his head to one side, then shrugged again. “You,” Hutch cut him off, pointing a “I don’t know anything about that. I just heard warning finger, “have no rights I don’t grant you were here. What a coincidence, I meant to you, pal.” With some satisfaction, he watched pay you a visit today, anyway.” He smiled. McCullen back away from him. “I want to “Funny thing, huh?” know when you last spoke to Galesko, what “I’ll laugh later.” she’s working on, and when you’re gonna meet “I doubt that.” Hutch kept his voice low, her. And don’t try lying to me. I’ve had a very almost sweet. bad day.” Something in his voice must have alerted “Is this your bad cop speech? Where’s the McCullen. He froze, eyes narrowed. “Why am good cop?” I here, Detective?” The remark caught Hutch totally off guard, Hutch watched him for a moment. “Anne and the sudden painful sting must have been Galesko.” obvious in his expression. McCullen lifted his McCullen’s gaze wandered off, then went head in a slow-motion nod, a gloating grin back to Hutch. “Haven’t heard that name in a spreading on his face. long time.” “Ah. I see.” He smiled. “So that’s what this “How about Anne Herrick?” is, Detective, isn’t it? Personal.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hutch had to force himself not to get up “Wrong answer.” Hutch kept his voice and beat the grin off his face. “You’ll be calm. “Try again.” surprised how personal it can get.” McCullen opened his mouth. He frowned, “Oh, I don’t doubt that.” McCullen then smiled, and closed it again. “You’re grinned, and picked up his coffee. His latest good.” He shook his index finger at Hutch. discovery obviously fueled him with a sense of “All of a sudden we’re in the middle of an power. He studied Hutch for a moment, interrogation.” sipping his coffee, then put it back down. Hutch just looked at him and waited. “Okay, Detective, let’s talk. Just assuming I

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know anything about Anne’s recent, ah, few days later. I wrote her to ask whether there project, what’s in it for me if I misuse her trust was more coming and….” He averted his eyes. to help save a cop?” “And whether…you know…whether it’s…” Hutch widened his eyes. “In it for y—well, He trailed off. for one thing, I might not feel compelled to “Fictional.” Hutch didn’t bother to control kick your sorry butt all over this room.” the disgust in his voice. Though there was the tiniest bit of “Yeah.” He nodded. “It sells, y’know? nervousness in McCullen’s eyes, he still People want that feeling of creepy uncertain—” managed to look unimpressed, even amused. “Save the commercial ad. So you’ve had “That’s surely something to convince me,” he contact with her. You know where she is.” said, smiling. He waited. More gravely, he “No, I don't. She has a post office box.” added, “But, seriously, what’s in it for me?” Hutch finally stepped back, and left “I am serious!” Hutch nearly shouted. McCullen to draw in a relieved breath. “How dare you try and go for a deal! You’re “The draft she sent you—what…” He lucky you just lost your job! You could have briefly closed his eyes, and when he opened been sitting in a cell for the last few years!” them again, he didn’t meet the editor’s gaze. McCullen grinned. “You mean like the one “What is it about?” your pal’s in right now?” “Uh…” McCullen started nervously, his Hutch stared at him, hardly daring to fear increasing Hutch’s unease. “W-well, believe he’d heard correctly. He dragged there’s this, uh, guy, and he’s…uh…he’s McCullen off the chair and shoved him against convinced his, uh…a friend of his has the nearby wall, pinning him in a chokehold. been…killed.” “You tell me where my partner is, or so help Hutch looked at McCullen, who looked me, I’ll—” away. “I-I don’t—” McCullen croaked, and made “Because of him,” the editor finished in a a choking noise as Hutch’s arm pressed his whisper. throat. “Let me—” The color drained from Hutch’s face. He “Do you know where he is?” Hutch hissed. leaned against the table, shaking hands Panicking, McCullen shook his head. reaching out to hold onto it. “What makes him “N-no!” he exclaimed. “No, I-I swear, I—” think that?” “But you know what she’s doing to him.” McCullen still didn’t look at him. In a Hutch let him go but stayed close, crowding small voice, he said, “He’s part of a game. He him, watching him choke and cough. He can’t win. But he knows that if he loses, his grabbed McCullen’s arm again. friend will be killed.” McCullen flinched. “Yes! Yes, I know. “What kind of game?” Hutch gripped the Get away from me, man!” He coughed again, table harder. wincing, and touched his throat. “God. You “There were different versions.” He almost killed me!” sounded almost sympathetic now, as if the Hutch ignored him. “What do you know?” images in the story were suddenly coming to As the grip on his arm tightened, McCullen life for him. “But there’s no doubt for the hurried to answer, “I-I got a raw version of reader that the character will lose. It’s the some new story from her, about two weeks whole point.” ago. I didn’t think there’d be more. She “Could it…could he die trying? sometimes sends me stuff, just ideas, nothing The…‘character’?” Hutch added, though the real, but this time, there was a first draft just a cynicism couldn’t hide the pain on his face.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 133 McCullen bowed his head. “That depends life in your hands. Isn’t there any part of you on the version. But, y’know, when I got somewhere inside that’s shocked? Disgusted? Anne’s letter, I thought she had returned to Dismayed? Whatever you read in this draft is her…origins.” He paused. “Paying bums or happening. Right now. To my partner.” Hutch something. Not…” He shrugged slightly, kept his eyes on McCullen, who never looked grimacing. up. “That ‘character’ you talked about is a Hutch’s features hardened. “What, you living person. And you’re his only chance. didn’t think she’d kill him after he lost the… Please.” He was almost begging now, but he ‘game’?” He spat out the last word. “Are you kept his voice quiet, calm. “Help us.” really that naive, McCullen? Why do you think she kidnapped a cop? She’s working for ~oOo~ someone, turkey. She didn’t choose my partner by coincidence, and she won’t let him go, “A. Ant. Aunt. Anchovies. America. either.” Anaconda. Ali…okay, okay. That’s enough. B. Hutch saw an opportunity in the dismayed Bed.” expression settling in McCullen’s eyes. Sure, Starsky's eyes closed in frustration, and he the guy had no conscience whatsoever, but he let his head fall forward, drawing in a deep had a healthy sense of fear. breath. He looked up again. “That one’s out. “You asked what’s in it for you. How about Think of something else. B. Blanket.” He not getting arrested for Murder One? If you’re shivered. “Strike two. C’mon, you can think of holding back information that might save a something. B.” Blinking up at the ceiling, he worked to get his thoughts in order. cop’s life…” He trailed off, watching “B. Blintz. Burrito…no. Bunny. Big Bird. McCullen closely. “How much more are you Bear. Bogey. Okay, ’nough. C.” Before he willing to lose because of her? She's already realized he was going to say it, he heard destroyed your career.” himself mutter, “Cucumber. ” He bit his lip “She’s not even any good,” McCullen said, and hit the wall with his fists. Leaning in the staring off into space. “Y’know?” He shook his corner, he forced himself to remain on his feet, head. “I haven’t heard from her since the draft. staring outside into the bright blue sky. Not I don’t know what—” looking at a cucumber across the room, unh, Hutch cut him off. “Just give me the unh. address. Will you?” “What’s that?” He shook his head with a “I told you, it’s only a post office box.” humorless chuckle. “C. Cardinal. Kettle. “I’ll find her. Help me. Please,” Hutch said, Wait…that’s k.” He frowned, waved. “C. his voice going soft. Criminal. Cake. Cinema. Cinnamon. Cold. D. McCullen stayed silent for a long moment. Me.” Finally he said, “I’d be taking one hell of a A little laugh escaped and was cut short by risk. She doesn’t forgive easily, know what I a hoarse cough. His throat was dry again. He mean?” had ordered himself to ration the water. Who Hutch raised his brows. “Right now you’re knew when his captors would return. The same practically behind bars, I just haven’t put you restriction applied to a lot of things, he’d there yet. The question is if you want out badly found. He couldn’t pace all day anymore. It enough to take a risk.” wore him out too fast. He couldn’t sit for a McCullen sighed, and wiped a hand over long time, either, because he’d nod off. Talking his face. “I didn’t do anything.” to himself worked, but after a while his “Sometimes that’s worse than doing increasing inability to think straight had something. Look, Tim, you’re holding a man’s frustrated him to the point of hitting the wall

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again. Anything to distract him from how “My sky. My blue sky.” Wasn’t there a goddamned tired he was. song that went like that? He wrinkled his Even the pain didn’t alert him much forehead in a slow frown, trying to remember anymore. The only thing that did was his fear the melody. “Heaven, that’s it. ‘My Blue for Hutch. He’d blink, and it would take too Heaven.’” long to get his eyes open, and he’d panic. Had When had he heard that one? He thought he he fallen asleep? Had they seen? Had they could recall his father’s voice singing it. His sneaked in and out again without him waking dad had always sung, constantly. Hadn’t been up? Would they tell him if it happened? Or able to help it. He'd done it absently, when he would they just drag Hutch into the room some was cleaning up, or in the shower, or working day, without Starsky even knowing he’d lost on a model ship. Starsky remembered his the game? father’s colleagues making fun of the habit at How much longer could he go on? He parties, barbecues. And here he was, partners didn’t even know what day it was anymore. with a guy with the same peculiarity. His Dad It had become a little easier since he’d would have liked Hutch. Well, except for his stopped trying to figure out who was behind eating habits. this. Instead, he’d huddled in the corner, At this point, Starsky thought he’d even be playing senseless mind games. Struggling was willing to try butterfly bones and soy sprouts. what made the fight so hard, so why not just The hunger pangs had ceased some time ago, stop, concentrate all his energy on what he leaving a constant, hollow emptiness behind. needed to do to stay awake. He’d never find There were few things he hated as much as out who was responsible or why, by himself. being hungry or tired, or both. And even Surely, by now Hutch had come up with some though he could muster a lot more will power leads to find and rescue him, right? Sure he had. After all, Hutch could take a refreshing than most people, could fight temptation and nap every now and then, give his gray cells a hopelessness, it didn’t mean he liked it. break. Could eat, too. Wasn’t freezing cold. Being hungry made him grumpy, being Shoulders drawing up, Starsky sniffed and tired made him cranky, and worrying about sighed. “Okay. D. Dinosaur. Dream. Dragon. Hutch made him withdrawn. A good thing he E.” He frowned. “Tough. E…electrical socket. had no cellmates. He wouldn't be very good Eternity.” He smirked. He might be slowing in company. some respects, but at least his wit wasn’t. Hutch always managed to put up with him. “Egg. F. Farm. Fever. Fun. G. Golf.” A Usually even managed to cheer him up. When spiteful glance at the door. “Game. Girl. H.” Starsky complained about being hungry and This time, the sigh was deep, desperate, and he tired on a stakeout, Hutch would tease him felt his head sink backwards against the wall as about his lack of self-control, his child-like he stared outside. “Hutch. Help. Home.” expectations of immediate gratification, and He closed his eyes. “Head hurts.” He probably without even being aware of it, he'd laughed and let himself slide down into a distract him from whatever had started his bad sitting position. “Sure know my h’s, huh, mood. Yep, Hutch was perfect for boring buddy? Wanna hear another one? Hurry. Oh, situations. God, Hutch, please hurry. I don’t—” He He laughed, imagining his partner’s quieted himself and looked outside into the reaction to that compliment. Wriggling his light, blinking. What a comfort this piece of toes, he hugged his knees closer to himself. He sky was. He didn’t want to imagine how much recalled the last time he’d seen Hutch, and harder it’d be without this tiny bit of outside hurried on to other memories in order to escape reality to cling to. the earworm spell of “Leaving On A Jetplane.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 135 He wondered when Hutch had found out he Hutch’s humming from the kitchen. It’d be just was missing, and if he knew more than Starsky another comfortable, relaxing evening spent himself did. If he knew who Lady Mastermind together, watching a game, having a few beers, was. If she was the mastermind of this game. refusing to talk about any recent depressing Did Hutch know what was happening to his cases, and later Starsky would have to sleep on partner? Did he know of the danger he was in that thing Hutch called couch. A timeout from himself? Starsky couldn’t remember ever work, from the world that was the streets. Just having seen his captor before and he had no fun. Just home. Just… idea who she was or why she’d want to hurt …sleep. either of them. She was a total stranger, one of Starsky’s eyes flew open. The cucumber a thousand disturbed freaks, and she could’ve sandwiches stared back at him from their plate. been hired by anyone. And his abduction had Puzzled, Starsky wondered when he'd turned happened so fast that he doubted his driveway himself to face them. He shook his head, had yielded any helpful clues. groaning, and sat up. His back hurt. How had What if Hutch was as much in the dark as he gotten into such an uncomfortable position? he was? Starsky pictured him at his desk at the He pressed his palms against his eyes. precinct, staring straight through the files “Shit.” spread over his desk into a deep dark He must have dozed off again. Angry, he nothingness, mirrored in his exhausted eyes, looked at the window, checking the light. It the familiar crease on his forehead deep with couldn’t have been more than just a few minutes, could it? He remembered the stupid concern. It was an image Starsky had seen too little letter game that had started him rambling, often for his liking, one that never failed to dwelling on memories. It hadn’t gone on that wrench at his heart, fuel him with anger at his long. He’d still been awake when he’d sat own helplessness. Hutch was suffering because down, hadn’t he? He’d just sunk lower in a of him. semi-slumber. Not even a real one, he hadn’t Starsky knew what that looked like. After been really asleep. No. Just a moment of his rescue from Simon Marcus’s cultists, he weakness. The sound of the key in the door had seen for himself just how good Hutch was would have awakened him if his captors had at ignoring his own needs. Hutch’s adrenaline come back. Nothing to worry about. rush had lasted much longer than Starsky's And he was awake now, wasn’t he? Wide- own, and he had practically crashed from awake, actually. Staggering to his feet, he drew exhaustion two days later. Yet, he had still in deep breaths, focusing on the blue sky as if been there to reassure him after the first it was the light at the end of the tunnel. nightmares. All in all, Hutch was the Awake. He was awake. His heart raced in embodiment of safety, of home. his chest, hammering desperately. He had not Home. Starsky could see his apartment in fallen asleep. His eyes had shut, that was all. his mind and wandered through the rooms, Probably just for a few seconds, no more. They stopping to soak in the sight of his bed. The couldn’t possibly have seen that. No way. feeling of coming home after a stressful day, So why was he so damned panicked? He knowing that you could crawl under the sheets couldn’t get his breathing under control, and and sleep for as long as you liked, undisturbed, for the first time since his ordeal had begun, he unhindered, the portals to dreamland opening felt hot instead of cold. Even sweaty. Wiping just for you—was there anything like it? his forehead with a trembling hand, he felt his He could see Venice Place too, sniff the knees buckle, and clung to the walls behind familiar smell of the overgrown jungle, hear him.

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Don’t you sit down again! Look at what head, tested the cuffs still binding his hands. that’s got you! He crossed the room in front of the window, Dizzy, he let his head sink backwards, eyes then turned, walked back. There must be wandering to the water bottle at his feet. But it something he could do. If only he had a pen. wasn’t dusk, yet. He couldn’t let some pathetic Or something to scratch on the walls. panic attack drive him into using up all the Anything. water. How was he supposed to last the night He rubbed his knuckles absently. The then? He needed to calm down. Find sudden warmth was gone and he was getting reassurance in the light from the sky. He had cold again. His feet had fallen asleep, and now not fallen asleep. He had not dreamed, he had they ached from the sudden motion. He caught remembered. There was a difference. sight of the faded red streaks on his hands and His vision swam when his gaze moved stopped in his tracks. He had totally forgotten away from the window, and he blinked, about hitting the wall. About the blood that had annoyed. dried on his skin. “Come on,” he muttered to himself, He rubbed at the crusted wounds until he panting slightly, hands clenching into weary fists. “C’mon. I. Ice. Italy. Iowa. J. Jam. Job. saw fresh blood on his fingers. He stared at it, Jogging. K. King. Ketchup. Kill. Hutch.” He felt its warmth. paused, let go of a shaky breath. “How ’bout a Without thinking any more, he approached new game?” the nearest wall and hit it. No anger fueled his He couldn’t come up with another game. strength. He didn’t wince. It was like some Couldn’t concentrate on anything but the routine activity, something necessary, organized. horrible thought that he might have fallen How long he worked on the wall, he didn’t asleep. How could he be so sure it had just know. It was the key in the door that stopped been for a second? He remembered naps him. during stakeouts or in the jungles of Vietnam, “Awake!” he announced hoarsely, before when he had been convinced he’d slept for five the first person that entered was even visible. minutes when in fact it had been hours. The He whirled around, trying to hide the bloody body could tire out to the point that it fooled wounds on his hands. “I’m awake.” your mind. It was her again, followed by one of her But it was still light outside, the bright two huge shadows. He held the door open and yellow light of afternoon. Besides, even if he lifted a brow at Starsky. had slept—which he hadn’t—it had been a The master of the game whistled lowly as light slumber. He surely would have awakened she stepped into the room, arms folded in front if there had been any noise. of her. “I’m impressed, David,” she stated Right. And sign Hutch’s death sentence. honestly. “Didn’t think you’d last this long.” Rule number one of this game remained that if they found him asleep, or if the opening Her gaze fell on the untouched sandwiches. of the door woke him, Hutch would die. He She grinned. “And you managed level two, I didn’t dare return to stakeout games, he knew see. Good for you.” that now. He was too tired to manage anything Starsky opened his mouth to reply, but he more substantial than the alphabet words and couldn’t get his tongue to work right. that wasn’t going to keep him awake much Resigned, he focused bloodshot eyes on her longer. He needed a task. and waited. He scanned the room, looked down at Studying him, she arched her brows. “Feel himself, fumbled with his t-shirt, scratched his pretty lousy, hm? Poor you. But, y’know, you

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 137 have every reason to be proud of yourself. You She laughed, sincerely amused. “Please. saved your friend’s life three times already.” How many more times d’you think we’ll meet Starsky snorted. “I’m impressed too,” he like this? Sorry to tell you, honey, but you look said, noticing his voice slurred. “You managed ready to fall on your face.” to keep your comments to yourself about his “You probably don’t know this, but I’m a name.” great actor.” She winked, grinned. “I was about to do “Yeah.” She laughed. “Right. Well, see you that. Anyway,” she said, turning businesslike, soon, David. Try not to hurt the walls too “as you know, we don’t drop by here just to much.” And with a knowing wink she turned hang out, so…” She shrugged and cast the and left, followed by her goons carrying out sandwiches a regretful look. “What a shame, the old plate, the water bottle and the plastic but it’s the game.” jug. Starsky rolled his eyes. “Cute.” Starsky once again moved the water to a “Told you I’m a writer,” she joked. different place, away from the food. It was Starsky didn’t answer. He watched the chicken sandwiches this time. He placed the second bodyguard enter with a new plate of plate onto the folded blanket. sandwiches and a folded woolen blanket under For a long moment he stood staring at both his arm. things. Oh God, please…unable to hide his Welcome to level three. despair, Starsky let his head fall back against the concrete wall. It was humiliating enough to ~oOo~ be nearly overwhelmed by the urge to beg for mercy at her comment about leaving, but this The post-office box Anne Herrick rented was even worse. was in Rocky Beach, a small town just outside She watched him closely, waited for him to Bay City. Hutch was surprised to find that the set eyes on the blanket. “During my last visit, I sheriff was an old colleague of his and noticed how cold it is in here,” she said, Starsky’s, a man they’d considered beyond old rubbing her arms for emphasis. “And you years ago when they had met him their very know I’m always trying to make your stay first week at the precinct. more pleasant.” Hutch stepped up onto the wooden porch to Starsky just nodded. “Game-wise,” he the sheriff’s office, rolling his eyes at the muttered, earning a grin. “Exactly. I see I don’t have to waste a lot cliché of a large man dozing in a wicker chair of time explaining things here. You’re on level on the porch. He frowned suddenly and bent three now. The stakes are the same—warmth his head to look into the sleeping man’s face, for Hutch’s life.” hidden by a hat. “What’s next?” Starsky asked. “Socks? “Mac?” Magazines? Maybe all the answers to my Without looking up or opening his eyes, questions on a folded paper?” the sheriff muttered a lazy “Yup?” She smirked. “Don’t give me ideas, Dave.” Hutch smiled. “Mac, it’s Hutch.” “I don’t think you need me for that.” At that, Horatio McAufflin—Mac— Starsky watched her helper put down the new blinked his eyes open and grinned widely. “I’ll plate and blanket, then exchange the plastic jug be damned!” he exclaimed happily, heaving in the corner for a new one. “You keep himself off of the chair. “Kenny Hutchinson! bringing stuff in here and I’ll want a bigger How’re you doing, kid?” Excited, he grabbed room. I hate crowded places.” Hutch’s hand to give it a hard shake.

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“Okay,” Hutch answered, rubbing his hand in front of him, deep creases of utter and trying to hide it from Mac. “How ’bout concentration digging into his forehead. you? I thought you retired.” “Uh, Mac? Decaf?” “What does this look like to you?” “Yeah,” McAufflin said, not even glancing McAufflin laughed, gesturing at the porch and up from the game. “Doctor’s orders. My heart, chair, then shook his head. “Boy, look at you. y’know? Hah!” He made a move and Must’ve been, what, six years now? You’re snickered. “Check.” almost a grown-up.” Rubbing his eyes with his index finger and “Listen, Mac, I need your help.” thumb, Hutch waved a hand at the board. “You “Sure,” McAufflin replied, taking off his win. I give up.” hat. “C’mon, let’s go inside. Care for a beer?” McAufflin lifted his head and studied “Uh…no, thanks,” Hutch smiled and Hutch. “We’ll get her. I’ve got three men ready followed the sheriff into his office. A small to arrest her the minute she opens her post filing cabinet and a massive desk was the only office box. It’s just a matter of time.” furniture in the room. One sorry dried-up plant Hutch nodded. “I know, I know. I just in a far corner languished in its pot, obviously don’t think that time is something we have a unnoticed by its owner. Hutch arched his lot of.” He sighed, sank down onto his chair brows sympathetically, then turned his head to again, absently putting the pack of coffee onto McAufflin again, who’d sat down in his chair the desk. “Who knows what…” Biting his lip, and opened a beer. “Nice office.” he trailed off. “Yeah,” the sheriff nodded. “Now, talk to “Hey,” McAufflin said after a pause, me, kid. What brings you to my little shoebox waiting until Hutch set tired eyes on him. of a town?” “Starsky’s tough.” Hutch explained, watching the words sink “Yeah, and three days can be a hell of a in behind McAufflin’s old brown eyes. long time. If only I knew what…what’s “I thought something was missing,” the happening to him. If he’s okay.” sheriff commented dryly and sighed. “And “He’ll be okay,” McAufflin assured. “Trust you’re sure that woman knows where Dave me,” he added. “I’m old and wise.” is?” Laughing softly, Hutch nodded as if “She’s my main suspect so far,” Hutch convinced. He yawned. answered simply. “So—help me?” McAufflin watched, pointed at the small McAufflin snorted, finished his beer. “You cell in the back of the room with his head. gotta ask? C’mon.” He stood up, grabbing his “Wanna grab a few z’s, kid? You look like you hat off the desk. “Let’s go get my men.” could use them.” “Oh, no.” Hutch shook his head. “Thanks, ~oOo~ but I couldn’t sleep. Besides,” he added, “I don’t think the gallon of pretend coffee I It took Hutch five hours to find out what it downed today will let me.” was he’d been drinking non-stop while sitting McAufflin chuckled, but still asked, “When in Sheriff McAufflin’s office, waiting and was the last time you slept, hm? You know, watching the doomed plant edge closer to its wearing yourself out isn’t gonna help Dave.” final rest. He’d just volunteered to make “I’m not tired, Mac,” Hutch insisted, another pot, and rolled his eyes at the label on yawning again. “How about another game?” the coffee pack. Decaf. He turned to McAufflin, who was staring at the chessboard ~oOo~

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 139 “Okay, new game,” Starsky said. He The star of the game was in pretty good coughed. His throat was dry again. “Winner form this round. He had reached the opposite gets drink. Counting, uhm…five.” That meant wall by the count of two, managed to turn crossing the room twice—away from the water before three, then suddenly stumbled. Startled and back to it—in the time it took him to count and unable to break the unexpected fall with to five. Would mean a new record too. his cuffed hands, he crashed to his side and hit Getting in position, he drew in a deep his head on the concrete floor. breath and coughed again, rubbed his eyes to Stars exploded in front of his eyes and he clear his vision. It was getting harder to see by squeezed them shut. As if from a distance, he the minute, he found, not to mention his eyes heard his own moans. He brought his hands teared every so often. Sometimes he had to under his face and cradled his head while close them and walk with his hands stretched rolling onto his belly to ease the pressure on out in front for protection. Anything but sitting protesting ribs. down again. The pain in his head intensified. He “One, two—go.” couldn’t open his eyes. A clear foul, the The game wasn’t as easy as it sounded. announcer’s voice said in his mind. He tried Starsky was way too exhausted to pay attention and failed to smile. At least his sense of humor to his counting speed, and so he had already was still intact, wasn’t it? managed to lose against himself a few times. The rules varied from round to round. First, it had just been ‘winner gets drink.’ Next it could be ‘loser hits wall’ or ‘loser takes a sprint’ or some other punishment that would push him into giving his best. The game was the second he'd played after he'd realized that he was trying to make his hands bleed in order to color on the walls. But he couldn’t deny that the stinging pain in his knuckles and fingers still helped to alert him from time to time. Once he had even kicked one of the walls, hard, trying to see if there was any feeling left in his freezing feet. That had hurt too much for a repeat. And though he knew he was playing with fire, making up games that had him running of all things, exhausting himself was the only way It took him some time to find the strength to wring any leftover adrenaline out of his to crawl backward to the wall. He huddled into dead-tired body. Besides, his half spoken, half the corner, absently smearing blood from the thought game commentary reminded him of scrape on his head over the side of his face. his childhood in New York, of basketball or When he managed to open his eyes, the first baseball games set in the backyard with thing he saw was the water bottle, safe in its himself as his own opponent, reporter, star and old position across the room. audience. Back then time had also ran against “Time out,” he panted and let his head loll him, the slanting golden rays of the sun back. marking the minutes until his mother's voice called him inside for dinner and bedtime. ~oOo~

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For the second time in one day, Hutch Hutch bowed his gaze in an almost boyish managed to fall asleep in a chair, though this gesture. He waited. time his slumber lasted only half an hour “Don’t let her feel like she’s winning,” the before McAufflin woke him with the news that sheriff said in a low voice, studying the blond. Herrick had just entered the post office. She “Okay?” wasn’t alone. The sheriff’s men would stop her “Yeah,” Hutch nodded, smiled and gave and her two companions on their way out to McAufflin’s back a parting pat. “Will try. arrest them, since Hutch had no legal authority Thanks for everything, Mac. See ya soon.” in the area. “You keep me posted, Hutch, you hear?” It went down smoothly, the perfect bust. McAufflin called after him, and Hutch waved Hutch couldn’t help thinking Galesko as he got in the car and shut the driver's side didn’t look very surprised. Nor did her two door. hired men. Though they were armed, they In the rearview mirror, Anne Galesko never tried to draw their weapons. No doubt watched him like a specimen in a study. For a they were assured of their bail being paid later. long moment they sat in silence, watching each Hutch watched McAufflin cuff her and other. read her her rights. “Miss Herrick,” he said, “Where’s my partner?” Hutch asked, “I’m going to drive you back to Bay City, despair and exhaustion hidden beneath his hard where you will answer some questions.” expression. Anne Galesko smiled. She was so calm, so Galesko smiled. “I’m impressed. You self-controlled. It was eerie, as if she had been found out much sooner than I anticipated. How waiting for her own arrest. As if it was all just did you do that?” to finally look Kenneth Hutchinson in the eye “Why, d’you wanna use it for a story?” and wink knowingly. She nodded. “I don’t write crime stories,” Galesko “Get her in my car,” Hutch ordered two of answered matter-of-factly. “Just curious.” McAufflin’s men, then turned to the sheriff “Hm.” Hutch still hadn’t started the engine, himself. “Mac, I need one more favor.” still watched her mirror image. “So you don’t “Sure, kid, shoot,” McAufflin replied, write crimes. You just commit them.” watching after Galesko and his men. “Want to Pursing her lips, she shook her head. borrow us for the real arrest now? Did you tell “Nothing that is written is a crime. Art cannot her this was gonna happen, or what? The lady be a crime.” raised her hands before we told her to!” “Where is the art in torturing people to “Yeah, I know. But, no, I just wanted to death?” Hutch snapped. “In killing people? ask if you could have your people escort her Murder is no art.” bodyguards into the city?” “Hitchcock would disagree.” McAufflin cast him an understanding Hutch started the engine and drove off. The glance. “Wanna spend some time alone with next ten minutes passed in silence. her?” “Your friend’s a great character,” she Hutch didn’t answer. suddenly said. “Well, sure I can do that.” McAufflin Shooting her a glare, Hutch saw she was shrugged. “No problem. But—” looking outside, eyes moving with the passing “Thanks, Mac,” Hutch cut him off and scenery. He pressed his lips together. headed for his car, but the older man’s gentle “Very interesting personality,” she grip around his arm stopped him. continued. “Very tough. A bit crazy,” she “Hey, Detective. Will you listen to an old smiled and threw Hutch a knowing glance, friend’s word of advice?” then looked outside again. “And really cute.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 141 “When did you last see him?” Hutch asked, “There were no bears mentioned in any of amazed at how controlled his voice sounded, the articles.” when the truth was he couldn’t stand her “A simple task of research, if you know talking about Starsky as a mere character, her how to do it.” She thought for a moment. character. “After all, life writes the best stories. I’m only “Earlier today,” she answered. “He looked imitating.” awful. But,” she raised her shoulders in a Frowning, Hutch shook his head curtly. shrug, “he’s still in the game.” “D’you really believe all this crap you’re “Game?” Hutch repeated, looking at her in saying? ‘Imitating life’?” the mirror. “I had this…muse once,” she said, looking Her lips curved. “Nice try, Hutch.” The upward as if organizing her memories, “in twinkle in her eyes brightened when he Seattle. He’d lost everything, when I met him. flinched at her use of the nickname. “I’m sure Job, house, wife…living on the street, y’know? Tim told you all about the draft I sent him.” And he signed up with me.” “You didn’t…specify the ‘game’ in that “Nice way of putting it,” Hutch muttered, one.” but was ignored. “That’s right, I didn’t,” she replied. “Of “When I worked on the plot,” Galesko course I don’t want my ideas to get stolen by continued, “I thought about this guy’s future. others. You understand that, don’t you, Hutch? What could possibly await him after what had Or would you let a suspect know just when happened to him. Stuff like that. And then it hit you’re gonna surprise and arrest them?” me. He’d go where they all go.” She paused for Hutch shot her a quick look, didn’t answer. emphasis. “So I had him hooked on heroin.” A “I didn’t hurt him,” Galesko said after a shrug. “Art imitating life.” moment of silence. “In case you’re worried Hutch went cold. Focusing on the street, he about that.” asked, “What about afterward?” “There was blood on his driveway,” he “He never would’ve been able to afford it pointed out. in real life,” she answered. She sounded so A pause. “I didn’t hurt him once I had convinced, enthusiastic about her ‘work’. It him.” She smiled. sickened Hutch. Even more so because he Hutch’s grip tightened on the steering could imagine her using that tone when talking wheel. He kept his silence. to his partner. “You read my stories, didn’t you?” “I read that story,” he said, hoarse, his Galesko spoke again, glancing at him in the throat suddenly dry. “That’s not how it went outside mirror. “And now you wonder. What down.” could I possibly have thought up for him. Isn’t An amused smile curled her lips as she that right? Hmmm…” she added, making it studied him. “Know something, Hutch? I really sound as if she was searching her mind for an envied Ben when he told me his version of it. I idea. “Let’s see…how about locking him in mean, my guy was just scared, but you…you that old zoo again with, what was it? A bear?” had something to lose.” With a regretful little The effect of her words almost caused an noise, she shook her head. “Think about the accident as Hutch reacted, staring at her over potential.” his shoulder. He looked ahead again, his heart What Hutch thought about was pulling racing. over and shutting her up any way he could. He “What?” she asked in innocent surprise. ordered himself not to lose it. She’s playing “Don't you think I read newspapers?” you. Ignore it.

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“I always told Ben he’d missed a huge the rest of his life. And I assure you, Anne, opportunity. Think of it, you’d have given him after this, you’ll join him.” anything back there. What a basis for a To his increasing fury, she chuckled. character.” She sighed, seemingly overwhelmed “That’s cute, Hutch. Now I’m so desperate.” by the spirit of inspiration, then gave him a Feeling his hands clench into fists, Hutch questioning glance. “Do you ever wonder what turned to start the engine again. “Shut up,” he would’ve happened if it’d been Dave they’d growled. wanted?” “No, serious, that’s harsh,” she continued Hutch drew in a deep, quiet breath. Don’t to mock. “Next to this, Ben’s vengeance just listen. Don’t answer. fades into noth—” “What do you think you’d have done later? “This is not about revenge!” Hutch cut her When you’d realized? How would you have off. “This is no goddamned book! You’re felt?” nothing but an ordinary criminal, and you’re She’s insane, she doesn’t know shit. gonna be arrested and tried according to the There was a merciful if too short silence law, just like Ben Forest.” before Galesko continued. “That was the “Okay,” she answered, and he had the idea original reason I called Ben in jail, did you she would have lifted her hands in mocking know that? I planned to write about you.” self-defense if they hadn’t been cuffed. “And She looked at him as though she expected what if your friend’s already dead?” him to be flattered. He froze as the full Hutch’s heart missed a beat. Don’t listen. meaning hit him. “What?” It was the first thing Starsky’s alive. Don’t react. “Maybe you’re right and Ben and I will he’d said since she’d started her little trip into never leave prison again. How’s that gonna his past. differ from life without your partner?” “It’s true,” she grinned. “Ever since I heard “I’ll find him,” Hutch said against his will, Ben’s story, I wanted to write it. It’s so much forcing himself not to make eye contact. God, better than the original.” She lifted her brows, whose stupid idea was it to make the drive looking impressed. “Anyway, that’s when I alone with her, anyway? heard about Dave.” “Could be,” she replied matter-of-factly. Hutch stopped the LTD, brakes squealing, “But what if I destroyed him?” and turned in his seat before the car had fully Hutch clenched his jaw. stopped. “Say that again,” he said, staring “What if jail’s not gonna stop us? Aren’t straight into her eyes. you seeing this doctor from Memorial?” “Woah. What did I say?” Hutch's heart jumped. It took all he had not He knew it was wrong. It gave her exactly to turn around again. So she knows about what she wanted. But he couldn’t help it. “You Audrey. She checked on you. Don’t let her feel called Forest to talk about…me? A-and…and like she’s winning. he suggested you focus on Starsky?” But the realization grew that Anne Galesko She smiled. “You know when I talked was winning this game; hell, she already had. about the old zoo? Ben collected all those For him, participation meant losing. And he articles. Y’know, I always wondered,” she had no choice. added, pretending to be serious, “didn’t “How does it feel, being a danger to what’s-her-name warn you back then not to people?” Galesko asked in a not-so-casual piss off Ben? Didn’t you know who he is?” rumination. She reminded Hutch of those high Swallowing, Hutch hardened his school bullies who never left you alone, expression. “He’s a man inhabiting a cell for crowded around you all the way home while

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 143 you stared desperately at the pavement, trying He tilted his head to one side. It felt weird, to disappear in thin air. Digging for a reaction like it was going to fall off, so Starsky from you. straightened it. He narrowed his eyes, Stoically he focused on the street, thinking squinting, trying to make the blanket lay still. only how he wished he'd waited to question He knew it wasn’t really moving. Galesko at the precinct, where he could have But it was. Wobbling, shifting, that’s what called Audrey to check on her. This was a bad it did. Like woolen pudding. And the idea, Hutch. Very bad. sandwiches moved, too, edged closer to each “Y’know, this reminds me of a poem I other on the plate, then separated again. once read about how we are all the center of Tearing his gaze away, Starsky stared down at our own world,” Galesko said, her eyes fixed the bottle in his hands. He lifted it off of the far off in the distance. “Now, the world’s a ground. At least it didn’t move. dangerous place to live in, isn’t it? He took a sip, lost his balance, fell on his Earthquakes, floods, twisters…just by living in back where he lay in the middle of the room. the wrong city, people can get killed.” She No more corners. Corners were like chairs. thought a minute, then shrugged. “Or crippled. Made you fall asleep in them. Corners Traumatized. What do you think?” supported your weight. He didn’t need that. He “I think your metaphors stink,” Hutch had stood for a long time, only moving his feet when they started to hurt. He couldn’t recall answered. sitting down. But he hadn’t fallen asleep. He’d “Well, I guess it’s too much to ask a cop to have noticed if he’d fallen down from a have any imagination,” she countered. standing position. Wouldn’t he? “Though I do see your point. The character I’m Water spilled from the bottle lying in his thinking about is probably more like a nuclear slack hand, and he quickly righted it, fumbled bomb. Built to save lives, but unable to keep with the lid. Water was precious. Needed to be from destroying them.” saved. Just like him. He smiled wearily. The image clawed its way through his inner His eyes were tearing again, an barriers. A mushroom cloud, destructive, uncomfortable wetness blurring his vision. He incapable of curbing its own nature. No matter felt a little moisture tracking down his temples. how hard he tried. No matter how guilty he…it The ceiling moved, too. The whole room had felt. started to wobble. He didn't know when it had “Miss Galesko, I’d highly appreciate it if started. you could shut up for the rest of the drive He shivered. He felt so cold. Curling up unless you’re planning to tell me where you’re would help, but then he’d fall asleep. holding Detective Starsky.” He’d fall asleep pretty soon now. Didn’t Galesko arched her elegantly long lips into matter what he did anymore. Might as well curl a polite smile. “Not yet, honey.” Letting her up. Try to get warm. Maybe he could edge gaze linger on him a moment longer, a closer to the forbidden corner, put his feet perfectly shaped crease formed between her under the blanket. Just his feet. Just the toes. eyes. “When was the last time you got any real When his captors entered again, he’d draw sleep? You look terrible.” them out the second he heard the key. He could do that. They wouldn’t notice. Just his feet. His ~oOo~ feet were freezing. For a long, long time he just lay where he’d The blanket was moving. Changing its fallen, staring upwards, imagining how he’d shape, as if alive. Preparing an attack. move the few inches to the blanket and cover

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his feet. Over and over the scenario replayed in hit the wall with his back. Sliding sideways his mind, until his eyes suddenly opened, across it, he reached a corner. Corners, always frantic and wide. corners. But this time he turned with his back Feebly, he moved his feet, lifted his head to facing the room and rested his forehead against look at them. A wave of nausea hit him, and he the brick. He put his palms on the wall above sank back down. No, he hadn’t moved over to his head, stretching the cuffs until they cut into the blanket. Hadn’t touched it. But he had his wrists. dozed off. Fallen asleep. He didn’t close his eyes. He stared into the A desperate sound escaped his lips. shadows at his feet, blinking in a slow, steady Sounded like a laugh. He couldn’t fight rhythm. Minutes passed before he forced anymore. He was beat. He had lost. The dull himself to move his tongue and produce words, pain in his head throbbed along with the one in sounds. his knuckles, his back. His legs felt cramped, If he’d been awake inside, he’d have as if he hadn’t moved in days, and he was so, smirked at the whispered refrain of “Leaving so cold, as if he had never been warm. On A Jetplane” in the room. But he wasn't, so Everything he tried to do now, he failed at. Too he didn’t notice the same three lines sung over weak to pace, too weak to talk to himself, too and over and over again. weak to hit the walls. All he could do was lay there and wait for the inevitable to happen. ~oOo~ And when he woke up, they would drag Hutch in and kill him. Hutch would see the Dobey glanced over his shoulder at the soft pathetic, weak failure that was his partner, the click of a door behind him. He was waiting for one person he should be able to rely on. And the candy bar to fall down in the vending then he'd die. machine. For Starsky, the feel of slumber tightening Down the hallway, unaware he was being its hold on him was no different than a slow watched, Hutch let himself sink heavily against death. If he fell asleep, he’d wake up in hell, he the wall next to the door. Exhausted, he rubbed knew that. Life ended with sleep. his eyes. Keeping them closed, he leaned his A sob caught in his throat. He let his head head back. Dobey could see him draw in deep loll towards the window, blinked up into the breaths. He couldn’t remember ever seeing bright light—and jerked his eyes open. The Hutch so miserable. There seemed to be no light was still there. How long this time? Five energy left in him, no fight left on the pale minutes? Twenty? An hour? Two? features. Beat. Hutch looked beat. He had no way of telling how much time “Here,” Dobey said, approaching his had passed when his eyes popped open, but it detective and holding out the candy bar. “I bet always made him frantic, always made his you haven’t eaten all day.” heart hammer wildly, sure that this time they Startled, Hutch jumped and set tired eyes had seen, that this time he had sentenced upon the candy. He took it without protest, Hutch. managing a weary smile. “Thanks.” He held it, Everything took so long. Struggling into a listening to his captain’s next question. sitting position was a monumental task, “How’s it going?” screwing the lid off the bottle took ages, and “It's not. I don’t think there’s anything his stomach rolled when he tilted his head to short of torture that’ll make her tell us where drink. For another few eternities he sat with his he is." He ran a hand over his tired face. head hanging, swaying, hands in his lap. When Dobey watched him, catching the he got to his feet, he stumbled backwards and unfamiliar expression of despair in the sky

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 145 colored eyes. “You look like you could use a I don’t think I wanna be one of the good guys break. I can send someone else in with her.” anymore. There’s too many restrictions.” “I can’t take a break, Captain,” Hutch Dobey's heart lurched at Hutch's suffering. snapped. “Starsky’s not getting any breaks.” “Hutchinson, calm down!” he barked, He looked at the door as if he could see watching Hutch visibly work to regain control. through it. “I know why she’s doing this. She “We’ll find him,” he added more gently. wants to be sure he’ll lose the game. It’s over “Yeah,” Hutch mumbled. He didn’t seem for her, anyway, but she’ll still win.” very convinced. “But still she’ll have won her Frustrated, he ripped the candy wrapper open game. She and Forest will…” He quieted, lips and frowned at it, as if startled that he’d done pressing together. When he spoke again, it was it. He looked at Dobey. “Have you reached barely more than a whisper. “I hate this crap.” Memorial yet?” Before Dobey had a chance to reply, to “Yeah,” Dobey nodded. “Your girlfriend bark some more, a young man in a suit just treated a patient. Don’t worry.” approached them from around the corner. “’Kay,” Hutch muttered. He was staring at “Excuse me, sir? Hutch?” the door again. “If only she had something we Hutch and Dobey turned to look at him. He could take away from her.” was a young, green detective by the name of Dobey frowned. He wondered if Hutch was Tyler Klingst, one of the two officers aware he’d said that out loud. “Hey.” Gently, responsible for questioning Anne Galesko’s he grabbed the blond’s arm, made him look at men. him. “I think someone else should take over “Yeah, Klingst?” Dobey asked. from here.” “Sorry to interrupt,” Klingst said, “but I “Is that an order?” Hutch nearly yelled, think you should hear this. It sounds like one then closed his eyes briefly. “Sorry. I’m tired.” of the guys just told us where they’re holding “I know,” Dobey replied, sliding into the Starsky.” gruff tone that always marked his concern. Hutch eyes widened. “Where?” “You haven’t gotten any real sleep in days. “He told us he’d just been hired to drive You’re running on empty, Hutch, and that Herrick because she doesn’t have a driver’s won’t help find him any sooner, you know license. When I asked him where he’d driven that.” her, he said to Rocky Beach, to other places, “Yeah, I know,” Hutch said, sounding like and 'out there’—presumably where Starsky is a reprimanded kid. being held.” “You’re letting her get to you,” Dobey “Out there?” Hutch repeated. continued. “That’s exactly what she wants.” Klingst nodded. “That’s what I asked, too, Hutch blew a long breath out. “She already and he answered. I don’t even think he realized got everything she wanted. Know what she it. ” He smirked. “Anyway, he said, ‘Yeah, up told me? He’s all by himself, and he’s running to Teddyville.’” out of water.” He hit the palm of his hand Dobey and Hutch frowned. “What’s that?” against the wall. “And there’s nothing I can do Hutch asked. about it! I can’t make her tell me where he is or “It’s an old warehouse that used to belong what she’s done to him. I’m a cop, and I’m to a toy store. My brother-in-law used to work sitting here on my ass, listening to her endless there, that’s why I remember the place. It’s crap and begging for her cooperation.” been closed for years now because some kids Catching the dismay in Dobey’s eyes, he played with fireworks on the second floor on lowered his voice. “Know something, Captain? New Year’s Eve and burnt down half the

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building. Here’s the address,” he added, been sentenced. Hutch remembered the handing Hutch a piece of paper. overwhelming, satisfying relief at seeing that Excited, Hutch looked at it, then at his anger when the judge had read the verdict and colleague again. “Is there enough of the pronounced his sentence. They had beat warehouse left to hide someone in it?” Marcus. He had lost. “The ground floor and cellar still stand,” And yes, that meant Hutch wanted revenge, Klingst answered. “As far as I know there’re took satisfaction in it. But he was only human, no other warehouses around that’re still being damn it. Considering how he’d felt at seeing used. It’s a No Man’s Land up there.” his best friend hang from his wrists, about to “Ty, you’re beautiful,” Hutch said, and be slaughtered, it was surprising that it was turned to Dobey. “Guess I’m gonna take my enough to see that look on Marcus’s face, to break after all.” know he’d been put away for good. Dobey nodded. “Keep me posted, y’hear?” But even Marcus had felt something. Anne “Sure,” Hutch promised, already halfway Galesko…it was impossible to punish her. She around the corner. had no life outside of herself to influence. She had nothing to lose. In a way, she was the ~oOo~ freest person Hutch had ever met. And you couldn’t take that freedom away from her. The light slanted, turning golden when Maybe that was what frustrated him. Hutch headed north out of the city, trying not So it wasn’t supposed to be about to let his thoughts wander. He had to punishing people, but, hell, he wanted her to concentrate on finding Starsky. Anything else pay for what she’d done to his friend, to him. would wait. Yet with people like Galesko, the only thing you could hope for was a meting out of justice He stopped at the nearest gas station to buy in the afterlife, that some higher power forced two bottles of water. Galesko’s comment about them to understand what they’d done, feel what Starsky running out of water haunted him. you’d felt. Along with a few other remarks. Hutch noticed the landscape changing, What if I destroyed him? dark, empty warehouses appearing in the If I let you find him—what if he’s not what lowering darkness like ghosts. They looked you lost anymore? like a perfect background for a horror movie. And just how will you stop me from writing It didn’t take him long to find Teddyville about it? Believe me, I know you, Hutch. You’ll after that, the unmistakable jagged, burned read it. You won’t be able to help it. shapes marking the ruins. You could see how God, he hated her. More than he’d ever big the building had once been. Steel pillars hated Forest. Or Simon Marcus. Anyone. Anne reached up high into the evening sky, but only Galesko was the embodiment of something the first and second floor still stood. even worse than evil. Evil was fueled by Turning off the engine, Hutch sat and emotions, drew its strength out of dark studied the building. It looked as if it could fall feelings, but Galesko didn’t feel anything but down at any moment, but if that were true it the excited enthusiasm of a child, absorbed by likely would have happened by now, he her games. figured. With a deep bracing breath, he Listening to her, watching her watch him, grabbed a flashlight from out of the glove sensing her amusement, interest—Hutch had compartment and left the car, approaching the never felt so frustrated before, so resigned, so doorless entry. helpless. Even Simon Marcus, that self- He didn’t bother checking the second floor righteous fanatic, had gotten angry when he’d since half of that didn’t have a roof anymore,

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 147 instead quickly searching the first floor before shook. Bruised and bloody hands suddenly heading downstairs into the cellar. groped for the lapels of his jacket. It was surprisingly large with long “No,” Starsky whispered, eyes widening in hallways and tiny, windowless rooms. Hutch shock. “No, no, no.” His head fell onto drawn frowned at the damp cold of the place. He up knees, curling up on himself, but his grip hurried, checking every room as he went never loosened on Hutch’s jacket. “I’m sorry. deeper into the labyrinth. I’m sorry.” Most of the few doors stood wide open, but Caught totally off guard, Hutch watched in one was closed. A key was in the lock. Bracing horror, the litany of half sobbed apologies himself, he reached out for the doorknob and acting like blows to his ears. “Starsky…” he turned it. It didn’t open. said, sounding lost even to himself. “Buddy, Almost there, buddy. hey, it’s okay. It’s over.” Desperate to ease He turned the key, dragged the surprisingly Starsky’s pain, he let go of his forearms and heavy door open. An intelligible mumble gently stroked his hair, trying to get him to lift reached his ears before he’d even stepped his head again. Willing him to listen, to understand. “You’re safe now. D’you hear me, inside. The hoarse voice was unquestionably babe? I’m gonna take you home. It’s over. familiar. Nothing to be sorry for.” “Starsky?” But Hutch’s presence in the room had He saw him in the last light of the day triggered a terrified reaction that blocked out flooding the tiny room through a single all assurances. Starsky was crushed. He held window high up, close to the ceiling. It was onto Hutch as if he expected him to be torn only inches above the ground on the outside. away any second. Understanding dawned on Starsky tried clumsily to turn around in a the blond, and the hand that had stroked the corner across the room where he’d apparently matted curls wandered down to squeeze the stood with his back facing outwards. Hutch back of Starsky’s neck gently. “Starsk, listen to heard him mumble something again, and this me. It’s over. You’re…we’re safe. It’s okay.” time he caught it. When there was no response, he peeled the “Awake. I’m awake.” clinging fingers off of his jacket and held them Appalled, Hutch went to his friend’s side. in his own. “Starsk. Aw, God.” Starsky looked up as if scared of what he He let Starsky sink down to sit against the might see. At least he stopped apologizing. His wall, holding onto his partner’s forearms while eyes moved over the open doorway. he tried to get a closer look at the white face. “It’s just me. See?” Hutch said, leaning to Bluish black smudges like bruises marked the the side to let Starsky scan the room. “I found skin beneath his murky blue eyes, differing in you. It’s okay.” Once more, he placed a hand on Starsky’s neck and rubbed, trying to warm appearance from the actual bruises on the cold skin. “We won,” he said and smiled. Starsky’s forehead and cheekbone. Starsky stared at him, then looked at the “Hey.” Starsky struggled to lift his head, open door, then back. His raised his hands and and Hutch put his hand beneath Starsky’s chin flapped them weakly against Hutch’s chest, and helped him. He let a thumb brush over the shoulder, hair. clammy skin surrounding the injuries. “Buddy, “W-we won?” he repeated. “You’re it’s me.” not…th-they won’t…” He swallowed dryly. “I Starsky frowned, focusing on Hutch. If thought I’d killed you.” possible, his face paled another shade. The He sounded so innocent. Hutch’s features constant trembling increased, and his arms softened, along with his voice, and he shook

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his head, rubbed Starsky’s cheek with the back look at the bloody bruise on the left side. of his knuckles. “Don’t be ridiculous, Gordo.” “How’d that happen? Did they hit you?” Starsky smiled, relief flooding his eyes as “No,” Starsky said, moving his face away he soaked in Hutch’s presence. His fingers from Hutch’s hands, almost embarrassed. “Fell came back to Hutch’s jacket and clung there. playing.” He shivered. “How d’you find me?” he asked wearily, Hutch glanced over his shoulder at the watching his partner inspecting the cuffs. blanket. “We need to get you someplace “I’ll tell you later,” Hutch answered. He warm,” he said, and stood to get it. Starsky’s produced the key to the handcuffs and hand flew forward in a frantic reflex, trying to concentrated on freeing his partner’s hands. hold him back. “Easy, it’s okay.” Hutch took Slow to respond, Starsky wasn’t much help, the flailing hand in his. “Easy, buddy. I’m not and it took Hutch some time to untangle his leaving.” jacket from Starsky’s grip before he could Starsky’s lips arched in a nervous, open the lock. embarrassed smile. He tried to pull his hand “There you go,” Hutch mumbled when the back but was met with gentle resistance and cuffs finally opened, and gently turned his looked up to meet sky blue eyes filled with friend’s hands in his to inspect the damage understanding, comfort. He nodded and his done to the wrists and knuckles. He whistled, hand was released. brushing over crusted streaks of blood with his Hutch was pretty sure he knew what thumb. “What did you do, wrestle a wall?” Galesko’s game had been. The draft Tim “Uh huh,” Starsky nodded, too tired to get McCullen had told him about matched what he the joke. He looked over at the window, relief found here. A game he cannot win. If he loses, fading from his face to leave blank exhaustion his friend will be killed. behind. Stooping in front of the items neatly Hutch ran the flashlight over the arranged in the corner across from Starsky, surrounding walls, shuddering when he saw Hutch shuddered, the cold traveling down his dark red spots and streaks on the concrete. spine. The two sandwiches on the plate on top Some looked almost…drawn. Quickly, he of the folded woolen blanket didn’t look all turned to his friend again, frowning. He reached out to tip one finger against Starsky’s that fresh, but Galesko and her goons hadn’t chin. “Starsky.” been in here for some time now. Here it sat, Starsky blinked tiredly, then frowned, nutrition and warmth, and yet Starsky was widening his eyes, a gasp catching in his shaking, his skin ice cold to the touch, as weak throat. as a kitten, probably as much from starvation “It’s okay,” Hutch assured, grabbing his as from sleep deprivation. shoulders. “‘It’s all right. I found you, With a disgusted sigh, Hutch put the plate remember? It’s over.” He studied his friend, aside and picked up the blanket. A game he watched the memories cover the sudden fear cannot win. He wondered if Starsky had lost. for now. “Remember?” He waited. “Talk to There was no chance he could have won in the me, babe. You okay?” end, but he had been awake when Hutch “Yeah.” Starsky nodded tiredly. “Yeah, I’m entered, and Galesko would have said if sorry. It’s just…” he trailed off, locked eyes Starsky had failed. with Hutch, who nodded and stroked his head Starsky jumped when Hutch draped the comfortingly. blanket over his trembling shoulders, wild eyes “I know. It’s okay.” roving the blond’s face. Memory kicked in and “I wanna go home, Hutch.” the struggling slowed and then stopped. “Yeah, we’ll get you home,” Hutch replied, “Shh, it’s just me,” Hutch soothed, folding carefully turning the dark head to get a better the blanket over Starsky’s chest. “Everything’s

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 149 gonna be all right. Are you hurt anywhere “Waiting to be released,” Hutch answered else?” he asked, hands lingering on the blanket, and threw the door shut, then walked around watching his friend closely for any signs of the car to get in. pain. “Sides, ribs?” By the time he was in, Starsky seemed to “Nah, I’m fine,” Starsky mumbled, eyes have forgotten about the earlier topic. He closed. But his shaking only increased now looked ahead, blinking repeatedly. that he was wrapped in something warm. He Hutch reached out to touch his shoulder. drew his shoulders up, fumbled with the edges “Hey, why don’t you close your eyes for a of the blanket. few? I’ll tell you when we’re there.” Hutch gave him a few more moments and Starsky blinked as if thinking and frowned rubbed the freezing cold bare feet. “Can you when he looked at the blond. “I wanna go walk?” home, Hutch.” Starsky gave him a sideglance. Clearly he “Yeah, I’ll get y—” wondered the same thing. “Sure. Let’s get “No,” Starsky cut him off. “Now.” He outta here.” grimaced pleadingly. “Yeah.” Understanding, Hutch arched his brows. With Hutch carrying Starsky more than “Oh. Aw, buddy, I don’t know.” His gaze supporting him, they got to their feet. Starsky wandered to the ugly black bruises on the pale was dizzy and leaned his forehead against his face down to his hands. “I think you need to be friend’s shoulder. “Hutch,” he mumbled, a lost checked out. You could have a concussion. sound, yet at the same time sounding almost They could give you something to make you annoyed at himself. feel better.” He reached out to brush back “I got you,” Hutch assured, tightening his wayward curls. “Maybe you need stitches. I grip on Starsky’s waist for emphasis. “It’s really think we’d better get you to a hospital okay.” first. I promise you won’t have to stay.” Starsky remained where he was, face “Hutch, please,” Starsky protested. “I just buried on Hutch’s shoulder, trying to gain his need to sleep.” strength. He sighed. “’M tired.” “And eat,” Hutch pointed out. “Not to Hutch laughed softly, patting his back. “I mention you’re probably dehydrated too. I’m know you are, buddy. Almost home. I sorry, pal, but—” promise.” “Please,” Starsky whined. It was a tone of “’Kay,” Starsky whispered, pushing away, voice he seldom used, one that was so honestly and together they started the long, slow walk and openly pleading, revealing so much outside, though not without Hutch noticing the helplessness that it always tugged at Hutch’s half empty bottle of water in another corner of heart like a child’s small hand. You couldn’t the room. say no to it. And the secret of its success was It took forever, but eventually they reached that Starsky didn’t realize how it affected his the LTD. partner. “Where’s my car?” Starsky slurred, when Hutch closed his eyes, resigned to losing he saw Hutch’s battered vehicle. the argument. Hutch rolled his eyes, opened the passenger “No matter where I lay down now, I’m not door and made sure Starsky didn’t hit his head. gonna get up again. So of course they’ll make Starsky practically plopped down on the seat. me stay. And I don’t wanna have to stay “Police lab,” Hutch panted. His partner was somewhere else. I wanna go home.” heavier than he looked. He couldn’t have possibly said anything “What’s it doing there?” Starsky asked. more perfect. Hutch gave in without further

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discussion. “Okay. Okay, I’ll drive you home. headrest and he closed his eyes, but opened But I’ll call Audrey to come over and have a them again instantly. “Sorry,” he repeated. look at those.” He gestured at Starsky’s “Must’ve dozed off.” bruises, then lifted a warning finger. “No Hutch glanced up from bending to gather discussion.” the blanket and bundle it around his friend Starsky smiled gratefully. “Deal.” He again. “Bad dream?” leaned back, dragging the blanket down to “Huh?” Starsky shook his head. “No.” He cover his feet. “Thanks, Hutch.” snuggled up in the blanket, shoulders drawing “Well, she is a kiddy doc,” Hutch said, up. “Sorry I freaked like that.” shooting his partner a small grin. He started the “That’s okay, buddy,” Hutch squeezed engine and maneuvered the car onto the street. Starsky’s tense shoulder. “No apologies It wasn’t long before Starsky’s glassy eyes needed. You okay now?” closed, the strained features smoothing. “Yeah,” Starsky nodded. “Terrific.” One of the battered hands fell out of the “Thirsty? There’s water here somewhere.” blanket and lay on the seat next to Hutch. He Shifting on his seat to search the back of the brushed a thumb over it, furrowing his brows car and the floor, Hutch stopped short when in anger. It wasn’t unlike Starsky to hit a wall Starsky picked up a bottle and showed it to in frustration, but the wounds told of a violent him, then put it in the back again. desperation that sickened Hutch. He didn’t “No, thanks,” he said, and smiled. want to imagine what his friend had gone For a split second Hutch considered urging through locked in that spartan room for three him to drink something, but he didn’t have the days with nothing to do but monitor his own heart to argue with his very shaken looking failing battle against sleep. And knowing that partner. “Okay.” He started the car again. if he did fall asleep…. They drove in silence, Hutch painfully And knowing that if you fell asleep…. aware of Starsky’s struggle to stay awake, the Starsky’s whole body jerked as he snapped tension never leaving his trembling shoulders, awake, the hand Hutch had covered flying up the repeated blinking of his eyes. to tear at the blanket. “No! Awake! I’m awa—” “It’s probably gonna take us another “Starsky!” Hutch pulled over to the side of twenty minutes or so,” Hutch said, catching the the road with squealing brakes. Before the car startled flinch next to him. “You could try and stopped completely, he turned to his frantically grab a few more z’s. I’ll wake you.” Seeing struggling partner and pinned him against the Starsky open his mouth, he quickly added, “I back of the seat. “Starsk! Calm down!” promise I’ll drive you home, no tricks.” Panting, Starsky stared at him with wild Catching the twinkle in Hutch’s eyes, eyes. He didn’t notice his own feet kicking the Starsky smiled wearily, but replied, “I want to blanket at his feet, trying to shove it away. sleep in my own bed.” “Hutch?” he asked, his gaze jumping around It was a very understandable wish, of the interior of the car, always returning to course, but something in Starsky’s tone tugged Hutch’s face. at Hutch’s soul, made him frown in concern. “Yeah, ’sme,” Hutch said, hands raised as “Wanna talk about it?” he asked. if trying to calm a cornered animal. “It’s okay. Feebly, Starsky patted his partner’s I got you. We’re safe, remember? We’re on our shoulder. “So you got her?” he asked, changing way home. Everything’s fine.” the subject. As the choking fear ebbed away, Starsky A shadow settled over Hutch’s expression. shivered. He let go of a shaky breath. “Yeah. “Yes. Her name’s Anne Galesko. She’s a Right. Sorry.” His head sank back against the writer.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 151 “I know,” Starsky mumbled and yawned. hand tightening its grip on the steering wheel. “She told me. Can’t say I know her, though. “Almost there, babe. Then you can sleep.” Should I?” he added. His hand moved away and Starsky’s head “No. She’s awful.” reared up. Once more huge eyes fastened on “That I know.” Hutch’s face, a split second of pure terror “I mean as a writer. Remember when I told flashing over Starsky’s features. Then he you about the woman on the east coast who nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. “Right. was tried for torturing a bum to write about his Right. Home. Sleep.” He slid down on his seat, fear?” a weary grip finding Hutch’s forearm. “Hutch. “Not right now,” Starsky replied. He wiped Home.” a hand over his face. “But my brains are not Unnerved, Hutch sped up, lips tightly exactly working on full power, y’know. So pressed together. In his mind, he heard Anne that’s what she does, huh? Writes about this Galesko’s voice. stuff?” What if I destroyed him? “Yep.” “That’s sick. Why me?” he added after a ~oOo~ moment’s thought, frowning. “I’ve never seen her before.” The first thing Starsky did after sinking Hutch hesitated. He could sense his down on his bed was to stick his feet under the partner’s questioning glance intensifying when comforter. He’d gotten rid of the woolen he didn’t respond right away, and he avoided blanket the moment they’d stepped inside his Starsky’s eyes. apartment and now groped for his own blanket. “Hutch?” Hutch dragged the tucked ends of the “Sh-she…she worked for Ben Forest. blanket loose from the mattress where Starsky, He…hired her, to get back at me. She wanted always the neatnik, had made up his bed before to write about…” He lifted his hands off the his departure almost a week ago. Tucking his steering wheel. “Uh…about you,” he finished friend in, Hutch made a mental list of things to lamely, shooting his dumbfounded friend a do, his mothering instinct taking over. glance. “You try to get some rest now,” he ordered “Forest,” Starsky repeated. “Wow. That’s softly. It concerned him that Starsky lay with the last person I’d have thought of.” Hutch doubted Starsky had understood the his eyes open, blinking up at the ceiling. He rest of what he’d said, or that he could, in his should be dead to the world by now. “I’ll call condition, process the connection between Dobey and Audrey and then check out your Galesko and Forest. Though Starsky sounded grocery situation. Okay?” okay for the most part, even alert after his “Groceries?” Starsky slurred. He was latest adrenaline rush, Hutch knew his partner fading fast, the wheels inside his head finally was far from okay. He had trouble focusing slowing down. and his movements were uncoordinated and “We need to get you something to eat,” clumsy. Hutch explained, studying the lacerations on “I’m sorry, partner.” Starsky’s hands and wondering if there was “What for?” Starsky frowned and dropped still some of the antibiotic cream left that his face into his hands, rubbed his eyes. “I Starsky had been given after his abduction by wanna go home,” he moaned. Simon’s cultists. Swallowing past a growing lump in his “Not hungry,” Starsky mumbled. “Just throat, Hutch stroked the dark hair, his free wanna sleep.” He opened and closed his eyes.

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Opened them again. “Lemme sleep, Hutch, are you? Why didn’t you call back today? Our ’kay?” desk clerk told me someone from the precinct “Yeah,” Hutch soothed. “Okay.” called, but—” “Need some sleep,” Starsky whispered. “Audie, listen, I’m sorry, but I don’t have Giving his shoulder a parting pat, Hutch time for explanations right now. I’ll tell you said, “I’ll be right outside, buddy,” and quietly everything later.” left the room, leaving the door ajar. “Okay,” she said. While talking to Dobey five minutes later, “I need your help.” he rummaged through the empty drawers and “Okay,” she repeated, waiting for him to cupboards in Starsky’s kitchen. For a guy so continue. focused on food, his partner had very little “I found Starsky, but—” stocked in his own home. “Ken, that’s great!” she exclaimed. “He’ll have to identify Galesko,” Dobey “Where? How?” pointed out while Hutch stood with the fridge “I’ll tell you later, I promise. Right now, I door open, staring into the great nothing. need you to come here and check him over. “When do you think he’ll be up to that?” Can you do that?” “Dunno,” Hutch replied, letting the door There was the briefest pause, then, “Check fall shut. “I’ll call you again tomorrow, tell you on him? Is he hurt?” how things are looking. He’s wiped out.” “Uhm…yeah. But I don’t know how badly, “But he’s okay?” It sounded more like a and—” statement than a question. Like Dobey ordered “Why didn’t you take him to the hospital?” that it be the truth. “He didn’t want to go. He doesn’t like “He’s…exhausted,” Hutch answered hospitals.” evasively. “What about Galesko’s lawyer? Has “Well,” she said in the same professionally she called one?” assured tone Hutch had heard too many times Dobey snorted. “One?” in his life, “if it’s about what he wants and Leaning back against the breakfast counter, likes, he can’t be hurt that bad. Okay, where?” Hutch pinched the bridge of his nose. “We He gave her Starsky’s address along with a can’t let them pay her bail and get her out. I grocery order and hung up just in time to catch don’t want her running around out there.” a sudden noise from the bedroom. Alarmed, he “Think I do?” hurried to the door and opened it. “We can prove she’s a danger to Starsky. Starsky stood next to the bed, supporting And to Audrey. The judge’ll consider that, himself against the wall with one hand. He won’t he?” shook like a leaf. He gave Hutch a frightened “Hutch, don’t worry,” Dobey said. “You glance that slowly faded into recognition, concentrate on taking care of your partner and relief. leave that to me, okay?” The comforter lay half on the ground on the “Yeah, okay,” Hutch said. “Thanks, Captain.” other side of the bed, thrown or kicked away. “Just make sure you keep me posted.” “Hey buddy,” Hutch smiled, picking up the “Will do.” blanket to pile it on the bed. “You okay?” Next he called Audrey, who answered the Starsky nodded. “Y-yeah,” he stammered, phone with a sleepy voice. eyes following Hutch’s every move as he “Hey, it’s me. Did I wake you?” crossed the short distance and guided him to “Um…yeah.” She yawned. “Yeah. Hi. I’m the bed. sorry, I just got home a little while ago. How “Hutch. Home.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 153 The words were whispered, probably Hutch smiled. “Actually,” he replied, “we unconsciously. The absolute necessity to cling got lucky.” to the words and draw comfort from them was A dark shadow settled on Starsky’s pale powerful proof of Starsky’s despair. It tore at face. “Don’t think I’d have lasted much longer. Hutch’s heart. I don’t even know how long—” “Right, babe,” he replied quietly, crouching A knock at the door made him flinch. down in front of Starsky. Starsky sat on the “Easy,” Hutch patted the arm he’d been edge of the bed, once more blinking rubbing and stood. “It’s just Audrey. Be right repeatedly. He panted from whatever shock back.” had woken him, and his left hand wouldn’t She brought a first aid kit with her, holding leave Hutch’s sleeve. it up for a greeting. “You called, Master?” she “I’m right here, and you’re home. asked, but then the easy humor faded from her Everything’s okay now. You’re safe.” face. “God, Ken, you look terrible.” Starsky nodded silently, his head bowed in Hutch closed the door behind her. “I’m embarrassment. fine. Thanks for coming over.” “Had a bad dream?” Hutch asked. “Hey, who else would I make house calls “No,” Starsky replied. It was the same for? Where is he?” defeated tone he’d had in the LTD. Hutch guided her into the bedroom where Hutch frowned, concerned, but decided not Starsky lay staring up at the ceiling. He turned to press him. “Wanna lie back down?” he his head and struggled to sit up. “Hey, asked, not waiting for an answer before he gently pushed Starsky down. Audrey,” he greeted her with a tired smile. Still trembling, Starsky clumsily reached Audrey frowned, shooting Hutch a quick, out for the comforter, and Hutch tucked him in almost accusing glance before sitting on the again. edge of the bed. “Hi Dave.” She inclined her “Getting any warmer?” head to Hutch, who stood back, watching. Starsky gave a small nod and shuddered. “And I thought he looked bad. What happened Sitting down next to him, Hutch rubbed to you?” one arm. “Audrey will be here in a minute. “Been running with the wrong crowd.” And Dobey says ‘hi.’” Starsky laid back down as Audrey opened her Starsky smiled and then grimaced, bringing first aid kit. one hand up to rub his eyes. “Against a wall?” she joked, carefully Hutch arched his brows. “Does your head probing the bruise on his forehead with cool hurt?” fingers. “No,” Starsky muttered. “I’m just tired. Starsky winced. “Sorta,” he replied through How long did I sleep?” gritted teeth. Hutch stared at him, confused. “Oh. Uh…” She inspected the gash and bump closely. He shrugged. “Dunno. Fifteen minutes maybe. “Okay, it won’t need stitches. Ken, could you Probably less. You have nothing to eat in this get me some warm water and a washcloth?” house, d’you know that?” Hutch was off without a word while Starsky closed his eyes for a yawn, then Audrey talked to Starsky. He returned just in opened them again. “I’m not hungry, anyway.” time to hear her ask Starsky how he had gotten “Yes, you are,” Hutch corrected, “you’re hurt. just too tired to feel it.” “Fell,” he replied, sounding embarrassed. “Maybe.” He paused, giving his friend a “Flat on your face?” long look. “Thanks for finding me.” “Yup.”

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“And he’s been hit,” Hutch added, handing x-rayed to make sure there were no fractures. Audrey a bowl of lukewarm water and a Though Starsky never complained about pain, washcloth which she put next to her on the even denied feeling any when asked, Audrey bed. still gave him a mild shot to take away any “Right.” Starsky nodded as if he’d just aches and pains that might hinder his much recalled it. “Got knocked out. But that was needed sleep. With Hutch’s help, she coaxed days ago.” her weary patient into drinking two glasses of Looking from one to the other, Audrey let water and then cleaned and bandaged his cuts go of a small breath and turned back to her and scrapes. patient. “Are you hurt anywhere else?” When the couple left for the kitchen, “No,” Starsky replied. Starsky was already half asleep. “Hands,” Hutch corrected. “So how did you find him?” Audrey asked Audrey glanced up at him, then at once she sat down on the kitchen table, Starsky’s bloody hands on top of the blanket. watching Hutch unpack the groceries she’d Hutch couldn’t help thinking that something brought. was going on behind Audrey’s eyes. As if she “One of our suspects let something slip,” felt out of place, uncomfortable. Doctor’s he replied. instincts took her over, though, as she studied “Did it have something to do with another the lacerations on Starsky’s wrists and case? Or—” knuckles. “No,” Hutch snapped, then closed his “Have you been…tied up?” she asked, mouth and raised his hands. “Sorry. I-I sounding almost incredulous. don’t…I can’t talk about that right now. I’m Starsky and Hutch exchanged a glance. sorry.” “Cuffed,” Starsky replied. “That’s okay,” she replied. “I understand.” Audrey stared at the circles of raw red He felt her watching him while he made around the wrists, then shook her head. “Okay, some soup. Something about her presence, her now. I’m gonna check for a concussion and palpable worry, made him nervous. It wasn’t then clean those.” She rummaged through her the feeling he’d had before, when he’d been so first aid kit for a penlight. “Have you thrown desperate to find Starsky. There was no time up at all after you hit your head?” for her or anything else then. This was “No.” something else, something that seemed to have “Felt dizzy?” little to do with her. Though the way she had “N…uh…” Catching the hesitation in his looked at him upon seeing Starsky for the first answer, Audrey looked up to see her patient time…. search for help from Hutch. Following his As if he should have warned her. gaze, she glanced at her boyfriend He flinched, startled, when her hand questioningly. touched his back. Her eyes searched his. Hutch sighed. “He hasn’t slept for about “When was the last time you slept?” seventy-two hours. And he hasn’t eaten.” He didn’t answer, just smiled and shook his Audrey stared, eventually closed her head as if to say she shouldn’t worry. mouth. “Oh. Well.” She looked at Starsky She drew her hand away and folded her again. “That can make you feel dizzy too, of arms in front of her. “Honey, you can talk to course.” me. You know that, right? I’m here. I want to Her quick examination showed that there help.” were indications of a slight concussion, and “I know,” he replied. “You already did.” she suggested that two of his fingers be “But—”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 155 Sensing another presence, Hutch turned his Starsky’s neck. “I made you some soup, so head, cutting her off. “Starsk?” how about you eat something first and maybe Indeed, a disheveled curly head appeared in that’ll help. Hm? You’re worn out. Maybe you the door a second later. He hugged the just don’t have the strength to—” doorway, shivering. “Uh…” “Sleep?” Starsky finished. Hutch approached him, reaching out to rub Hutch looked at him, contemplating his one arm and shoulder. “Y’okay, buddy? next words. “I’m sure Audrey could give you What’re you doing out of bed?” something.” Starsky stammered and shot him a pleading Starsky looked ready to protest, but closed glance. He looked ashamed. his mouth before a word slipped out. He Hutch gave Audrey a quick look over his nodded. shoulder and guided his friend back into the With a last pat to Starsky’s back, Hutch left bedroom. Once more, the comforter was on the for the kitchen where Audrey waited, arms ground, and Hutch picked it up as Starsky sat wrapped around her middle. Hutch produced a on the edge of the bed with slumped shoulders. bowl from the cupboard and placed it on the “Hey,” Hutch said, nudging his shoulder breakfast counter with a frustrated sigh. and sitting down beside him, bundling the “This is the third time that’s happened.” blanket around the trembling form. “Buddy.” “Ken, what happened to him?” Starsky didn’t look at him. “This is Hutch looked at her, and when he spoke, ridiculous.” He laughed, a short sound with no his voice was very calm. “They told him they’d humor in it. “I’m really tired, y’know.” kill me if he fell asleep.” Hutch squeezed the back of his neck. Audrey stared at him. “Kill…k-kill you?” “We’ll work something out.” she repeated. “That’s…why? Who?” “Oh yeah? What d’you wanna do, sing me “I can’t tell you.” He paused. “They were to sleep?” working for someone we busted awhile back.” Hutch smiled. “It’s worth a try.” At Another pause. “Someone I pissed off pretty Starsky’s glance, he lifted his brows. “Works bad.” for my niece every time.” Incredulous, Audrey laughed, high-pitched, A wry smile crossed Starsky’s pale pointing in the direction of the door without features, but faded all too soon. Watching, unfolding her arms. “This is what happens Hutch laid one arm around his shoulders, giving him a small shake. “Starsky.” when you bust someone?” “It’s just….” Frustrated, he closed his eyes. “Sometimes,” Hutch answered. When he spoke again, his voice was so low She looked as though she wanted to say Hutch had to strain to hear it. “This is scary. something else, but as she stared him, her I’m tired.” features evened, her voice softened. “So he’s Hutch’s hand remained on Starsky’s back, scared of sleeping,” she said, unwrapping rubbing small circles. “But you’re not herself from her own embrace. She stepped dreaming.” closer. “Even now.” “No. I doubt I’m ever getting that far. It’s Hutch bowed his head. “Yep.” like…” A quick, nervous glance found Hutch, Audrey sighed. “Poor guy. Y’know, maybe then dropped again. “Like I suddenly…notice you should get him to a hospi—” I’m asleep. And then…” he shrugged and “No.” rubbed his eyes. For a moment, they looked at each other. “Okay, listen,” Hutch said after a moment’s “Okay. Okay. I can give him something to thought, dragging the blanket up around help him relax, but I really think—”

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“Thanks.” Searching for a spoon, Hutch spoonfeed him. “I can eat by myself. Gimme felt her gaze linger on him, but didn’t meet it. that.” “Okay.” Marching past him to the door, Hutch handed the spoon over, and Starsky Audrey halted. “Hey?” took it unwillingly. Watching the unsteady He looked at her. process, Hutch decided that he could trust his “You got them, right?” partner to manage and went to the kitchen to Understanding, he nodded. “Yeah. We got get some juice. He re-entered the bedroom and ’em.” froze. “Good. Who does such a thing?” Shaking Starsky stared at the cracker he held, his her head, she left. It wasn’t a question she expression strained. The shaking was back expected Hutch to answer. with a vengeance.

“Starsky?” ~oOo~ The cracker crumbled in Starsky’s hand.

Fear-stricken eyes widened at seeing Hutch. Starsky silently accepted both the white pill Audrey handed him and the order to see a Then slowly the truth caught up with him and specialist if his problem didn’t go away. Under he breathed in deeply, glancing down at the normal circumstances, Starsky could be mess. Annoyed, he brushed off the crumbs. counted on for a smart remark about shrinks. “Hey,” Hutch said, crossing the room to sit Hutch noticed the lack of comment. But then on the bed. He held out the juice for Starsky. he was probably just too tired. “You okay?” Audrey left, assuring Hutch that he could “Terrific,” came the mumbled reply. call her any time, and that she’d drop by the Starsky yawned and pressed his palms against following day to check on her patient. his eyes. Hutch could sense her shock at what she’d Hutch moved the glass. “Want some seen, at what she had learned about his life, but juice?” she seemed determined not to let him see how “No, I wanna sleep,” Starsky groused, then much it scared her. She wanted to be there for sighed and grabbed the juice, downing it him, even though she knew he wouldn’t let without another comment. He put the glass on her, not yet. She was willing to face her fear of the tray. “Thanks.” this strange and dangerous side of his life. “Welcome,” Hutch replied, equally She wanted to understand, and for some subdued, and looked at the mostly untouched reason that scared Hutch. meal. “You should eat more.” “It’s nice to have a doctor in the family, “Not hungry.” isn’t it?” “Aw, c’mon. Hm?” Arching his brows, Looking up from the tray of soup and crackers, Hutch flashed Starsky a wry smile. Hutch picked up another cracker and waved it. “I’m surprised you didn’t want a lollipop “For me?” He smiled, cajoling. afterwards.” Hutch set the tray down. A helpless chuckle broke through the grim Starsky sat against the headboard, a pillow expression on Starsky’s face. He grabbed the supporting his back. “What’s this?” He cracker out of Hutch’s fingers. “But only so wrinkled his nose, ignoring the spoon Hutch you won’t do the ‘plane’ next or somethin’. held out. You’ve been around Audrey too long, Blintz.” “Chicken soup. Open wide.” Hutch grinned and watched his friend “Do I look like I have the flu?” Starsky struggle to get the cracker down. Whatever said, rolling his eyes when Hutch prepared to Audrey had given him was finally kicking in.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 157 The blinking slowed, the eyes closing longer “Yeah, buddy, I’m right here. It’s okay.” with each blink. Glassy dark eyes fluttered open, then Hutch gathered the tray and glass and put closed again. “Yeah. Hutch. Home,” Starsky them on the nightstand, then gently removed sighed, hand tapping, finding Hutch’s arm. the pillow from behind Starsky’s back and Hutch’s heart wrenched at the sight. So covered him with the comforter. Whenever much need for assurance, so much anxiety, just they would open, the dark blue eyes clung to for him. Starsky couldn’t find the peace of him and followed his every movement. sleep because he feared for Hutch. “I’m here, “You get some rest now,” Hutch said. “Just babe,” he whispered, watching the distress fade sleep. It’s okay to sleep.” from drowsy features. “Right here. You’re Starsky looked tiredly up at him. home.” “Relax, buddy,” Hutch soothed, brushing Galesko’s metaphor of the mushroom over his friend’s features with a feather-light cloud flashed in his mind. Impatiently, he tried touch. “Just close your eyes and sleep. It’s all to shake it off. He glanced down at his friend right, I promise. We’re safe.” He let his hand and shifted his body down to lie on his back. linger for a moment, felt long lashes bat Man, you’re not the only one who needs some against his palm, then nothing. Starsky’s eyes shut-eye around here, pal. were closed. It didn’t take him a minute to fall into a Smoothing one edge of the blanket, Hutch deep, dream-haunted sleep. stood up. “Sweet dreams, partner.” He turned to leave but a weary grip on his ~oOo~ wrist stopped him. Surprised, he looked down “Awake! I’m…” As the dust of panic into open, pleading eyes, and covered the settled, Starsky opened his eyes, taking in the clinging hand with his own. “Starsk?” sight of his own bedroom. He heard his own Starsky swallowed thickly. “Can’t…” he frantic panting in his ear, and slowly became whispered desperately. A tremor shook him aware of another sound, like a moan, next to and he gripped Hutch’s arm tighter. him. Turning his head, he saw Hutch, curled up Thumb brushing over the back of Starsky’s and facing him. hand, he turned around to sit on the bed and The blond’s eyes were tightly closed, his swung his legs upon it. He grabbed the second brows bunched together. Starsky's hand still pillow and tucked it behind his back, then clamped Hutch’s arm and he loosened his grip, reached out to place one hand firmly on allowed Hutch to roll out of the hold and away Starsky’s shoulder. from him. “Sure you can,” he smiled. “Close your “Sorry,” Starsky mumbled. eyes. I’m not leaving.” As if in answer, Hutch buried his head in With a sigh, Starsky closed his eyes. His his pillow and snored lightly. breathing evened out quickly, and Hutch could Starsky smiled and patted his friend’s feel the trembling subside under his protective shoulder in a paternal gesture. He pulled the hold. Allowing his own fatigue to wash comforter off and spread it over Hutch, who through him like a powerful wave, his head snuggled into it, blond hairs peeking out from lolled back against the wall. under. “Hutch?” a slurred voice made him open The smile on Starsky’s face faded into a eyes he hadn’t registered closing, and he worried one. Hutch must be really wiped out. tightened his grip on Starsky’s shoulder and He probably hadn’t gotten much more sleep bent closer. than his partner.

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Starsky gave the slumbering form an He couldn’t eat it. His breath quickened affectionate glance and climbed carefully out and his throat went suddenly dry. He of bed, swaying. Will power carried him over swallowed and stumbled to the open bedroom to the door and into the living room. He stared door. at the terrace doors. Dawn painted the sky Hutch was still asleep, though his sleep pinkish gold, though it had been dark the last was no longer peaceful. Starsky heard soft time he had checked. whimpers escape the thick blanket covering the The light had changed. blond head, but decided it wasn’t bad enough The sound of his own gasp kicked him to wake him up. Years of endless stakeouts had back into reality, and he shook his head and trained Starsky to read the sounds Hutch made made himself unclench his fists. He was home. in his sleep, and he was pretty good at telling Hutch was here. The light could change all it when he was having a serious nightmare. For wanted. one thing, the clearer Hutch’s words, the more Still, he couldn’t seem to go further until he unpleasant his dream. peeked into the bedroom again, letting go of a Right now, though Hutch uttered a few breath he hadn’t known he held when he saw moans now and then, to Starsky it was more the peaceful figure on the bed. important that his friend rest. That his friend His thoughts, like his legs, weren’t all that was here at all. steady. He didn't recall falling asleep, though Hutch. Home. he remembered Hutch talking to him, holding Nothing wrong with eating at home. on to him while he fought overwhelming Confused and a bit scared of the strange fatigue. He wondered how long he had slept. feeling, Starsky returned to the kitchen to stare There had been no dreams. at his sandwich. He poured himself a cup of In the kitchen, he downed a glass of juice coffee. That was nice for a start, he thought, and put the coffee pot on before he headed for savoring the fresh coffee. His empty stomach the shower. His stomach growled in loud was starting to really hurt, the feeling of nausea protest, but that had to wait, Starsky decided, only intensifying, but he couldn’t eat the realizing he still wore the same clothes from damned sandwich. four days ago. In the bedroom in search of What the hell’s wrong with you? clean clothes, he gave his partner an amused Suddenly angry, he picked up the sandwich look. Must be the farm boy in Hutch that had made it possible for him to fall asleep next to and took a small bite. The impact on his body someone who smelled like Starsky was was immediate, and it didn’t take him five convinced he did. That or exhaustion. seconds to down the rest of it. Still chewing, he He was unsteady on his legs, but the stared at his hands, then at the morning sky shower felt good. Now that he’d slept, he was outside the window. ravenous and felt like he’d be sick if he didn’t He’d eaten a sandwich? eat something. He dressed in sweats, a He was back in the bedroom in an instant, bathrobe and the thickest woolen socks he almost falling on his face in the process of could find. getting there. He stopped in the door, clinging Yet once he went into the kitchen, a strange to the frame for support. Hutch was mumbling feeling started in his throat and spread quickly in his sleep, and now Starsky could make out a as he rummaged through the grocery bag few words, among them his own whispered Audrey had left on the table the night before. name. Ignoring the sense of unease, he made a Swallowing back bile, he crossed the sandwich. distance to the bed and sat down on the edge

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 159 next to Hutch, shaking his friend’s shoulder. “Sure,” Hutch soothed mockingly, but “Hey Hutch. Wake up.” concern showed in his eyes when tremors Hutch stirred, winced. “Hmmn,” he started to overcome his friend. He reached to mumbled, slapping clumsily at Starsky’s hand. pull the blanket over Starsky. “How long’ve “Lemme…” you been up?” he asked, turning to glance at “Hutch;” Starsky urged, and drowsy sky the clock on the nightstand. “It’s seven in the blue eyes slid open, confusion clouding them. morning.” “Huh? Starsk? Wha…” Suddenly alert, “Not that long,” Starsky replied, secretly Hutch blinked, struggling to sit up as worry grateful to be tucked in. Why was he so cold spread on his face. “Buddy, y’okay?” all of a sudden? “Uh…” Starsky said, swallowing, and “Why didn’t you wake me?” darted from the room, reaching the toilet just in “You looked like you needed the rest,” time. The little amount of food he’d forced Starsky said. He rolled his eyes at the look down made a rather painful reappearance. Hutch gave him. “Besides, I don’t need baby- When he was done, he let his head sag, sitting.” frustrated and wiped out, and suddenly realized “Okay. So,” Hutch asked through a yawn, Hutch was with him, rubbing small circles on one hand absently rubbing Starsky’s shoulder his back. to warm him, “wanna try to get some more “Good morning,” Starsky groaned. sleep now?” The rubbing stopped as Hutch squeezed his The truth was Starsky felt like he should shoulder. “Breakfast doesn’t agree with you?” try to sleep more, yet the prospect of closing Starsky shook his head wearily, letting his eyes and allowing awareness to slip away himself sink back, trusting Hutch to support scared him. Every time he’d awakened since him, draw him in. “Must be the coffee.” being rescued had been a terrifying ordeal, and “Well, coffee’s not exactly what you need he didn’t feel up it again. He was too tired to right now, anyway,” Hutch replied. “Want me try to sleep. to help you up?” “Starsky?” Starsky nodded, and with Hutch’s help “Hm?” Looking up to meet Hutch’s look, stood on wobbly legs. Unnerved, he clung to Starsky shook his head. “No.” He paused, then the blond, who guided him first to the sink to lied. “I’m hungry.” wash, then back to bed. Starsky sat down, Hutch nodded, patting the shoulder beneath unresisting when Hutch pushed him back and his hand as if apologizing. “Right. You should lifted his legs up onto the mattress. eat something.” He yawned again, failed to “Be right back.” suppress it. “All right. I’ll be back in a sec.” With his eyes closed, Starsky listened to He left the room, another yawn breaking hurried steps, then water running, then steps again. The mattress sagged, announcing through. Staring up at his ceiling, Starsky Hutch’s return, and an instant later Starsky felt sighed in regret. Hutch was exhausted. And he something cool and damp wipe over his face, would be able to sleep if Starsky would just let his forehead. Blinking up at Hutch's face him. hovering above him, he grimaced. “I hate When he stepped into the kitchen a few being sick.” minutes later, dragging the blanket with him Hutch smiled. “It’s a good sign you’re wrapped over the bathrobe, he found Hutch whiny, though. Think you’ll live.” listlessly stirring something in a pan, yawning. Starsky shot him an indignant glance. “I’m “What’re ya making?” Starsky asked, not whiny.” shuffling closer to take a peek.

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“Scrambled eggs.” Hutch took in the than his own problems. “So she’s working for blanket covering his friend and frowned, him how?” worried. Starsky pulled the blanket tighter Hutch sighed, sounding like a reluctant around his shoulders, avoiding Hutch’s look. teenager forced to enter into a discussion. He “Think you can keep that down?” the blond scanned the breakfast counter as if searching asked after a moment. “Maybe your concussion around for something else to do in order to is worse than Audrey thought.” avoid Starsky’s gaze. “She’s the house writer,” “Nah. Just ate the wrong stuff too fast,” he answered grimly, but then as if ashamed of Starsky replied. “Scrambled eggs are fine. his sarcasm, added, “She’s his favorite author. Thanks.” Scrambled eggs hadn’t been room He contacted her to have her work out some of food. her…ideas on you to get back at me.” Before He sat down at the kitchen table. Starsky had the chance to reply or question Hutch’s eyes followed him. “How’re you him further, Hutch lifted the pan. “Wanna eat feeling?” here or in bed?” “Tired.” Taken off guard by the abrupt change of “Dreams?” Hutch asked, his voice calm, topic, Starsky hesitated. “Uhm…TV,” he heard interested. himself say. “No.” “Okay.” Hutch smiled, yet something in his “Woke up…noticing again?” eyes kept Starsky from getting up. He Starsky didn’t answer, just freed one hand remained where he was, waiting in silence. to wipe over his eyes. “It’s okay,” he muttered. Eventually, without looking at him, the blond “It’ll pass.” added, “I’m sorry, Starsk.” “Want to tell me about it?” “What for?” “Well…should…should’ve been me,” At the sudden softness of Hutch’s tone, that Hutch explained, stammering, and shrugged familiar sound of comfort, Starsky smiled a sadly. “Should’ve been me,” he repeated. little. He shook his head. “Not much to tell. Starsky watched him in dismay. Looks like You’ve seen it.” it was you. “Hutch.” He waited until his partner Hutch nodded, turned back to his cooking. looked at him. “It’s not your fault.” Shaking his head, he gave the eggs a Starsky saw a hint of gratitude in the light particularly angry shove and glanced at his eyes, but Hutch’s voice sounded hollow when friend again. “I won’t let her talk to you again. he nodded. “Yeah.” A pause. “I know that.” You can I.D. her through a window. She’s Do you? Starsky thought, as Hutch evil,” he added as if an afterthought. rummaged for a plate in an unsubtle plea for Starsky thought he saw him shudder. the conversation to end. Concern gnawed at his stomach. What has she “Why don’t you go see what’s on? I’ll be done to him? right out.” “Thanks,” he said, watching Hutch. Reluctantly, Starsky stood to leave. Though “Hutch?” his friend’s obvious distress troubled him, he “Hm?” The blond turned. “Yeah, buddy?” knew he wasn’t in condition to be of any real “Did you tell me she’s working for Forest help at the present. He was still too exhausted, yesterday?” too easily confused, his thoughts tumbling over “I’m impressed. Didn’t think you heard a each other. He needed more sleep if he wanted word I said.” to help his friend, so he plopped down on the Starsky wasn’t in the mood for joking. couch in the living room, feeling around with Something was going on that upset him more his hand for the remote control.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 161 Forty minutes of “Rio Bravo” later, the clear he’d rather Hutch ignored his reaction. sound of Hutch’s soft snoring beside him He smiled. “You’re awake.” confirmed that it was safe to put away the half Hutch stepped outside as well. “I think I empty plate of cold scrambled eggs. For a few am,” he replied and yawned, rubbing at his moments, he allowed himself to observe the face. “What’re you doing?” incredibly calming sight of Hutch’s chest Starsky shrugged. “Winning the World rising and falling, to fully acknowledge the fact Series, what’s it look like?” that Hutch would still breathe on, even if he Hutch smirked. “Hysterical. What time is fell asleep. He crawled his way out of the it?” blanket-made cave bundled around him and got “’Bout three.” up. Hutch stretched out to occupy the whole “Three?” Hutch widened his eyes. “Wow.” couch, turning around to bury his face into a He frowned, turned his gaze on his partner soft corner. again. “Did you get any more sleep?” Smiling, thinking the sight made him “No,” Starsky replied reluctantly. somewhat jealous, Starsky tucked his friend in, “But…didn’t try to, anyway. Maybe later.” then picked up the plate and headed for the An uneasy feeling spread fast inside kitchen. Hutch’s stomach. He inspected his friend, took in the long-sleeved sweatshirt Starsky wore ~oOo~ instead of his bathrobe. It was a sunny California day, perfect for the t-shirt Hutch Hutch woke up gradually, registered the wore. “Still cold?” he asked. familiar feeling of uncomfortable bumps “Huggy wants ya to know that next time he beneath him. Starsky’s couch? What…? He asks you to keep him posted, you should consider that an order,” Starsky replied, heard the television, turned down low. ignoring the question. Dragging his eyes open, he found himself Grimacing, Hutch folded his arms in front looking at some black and white sitcom he of him, positioning himself next to Starsky so couldn’t remember the name of. He cleared his that they watched the back street traffic throat and frowned as his memory kicked into together. “I knew there was something I gear. forgot.” “Starsk?” “You oughta be ashamed of yourself,” His partner was nowhere in sight, and Starsky told him. “Sounded like he was really when there was no response, Hutch sat up, worried.” brushing back the blanket covering him. The “I am,” Hutch assured. “When did he call?” curtains were drawn shut, which explained the “’Round noon.” dim light, and he noticed that the terrace door “Why didn’t you wake me?” was ajar. “I tried,” Starsky replied, “but you “Starsky?” probably couldn’t hear me yelling over your Hutch stood and stretched. He walked over snoring.” to the door and opened it wide, sticking his “I don’t snore. Anything else I missed? head outside. “Hey,” he said, trying not to Apart from the morning shows?” startle his friend, who stood a few steps into “I told Dobey I’ll be in tomorrow to get the the backyard with arms tightly wrapped around identification down. Seems Miss Hemingway’s him, staring into the afternoon sky. lawyers are giving him grief. Oh,” he added, as Still, Starsky jumped, whirling around to if he’d just thought of it, “he gave you today face him. “Hey,” he greeted back, making it off, by the way.”

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“Always so gracious,” Hutch commented, bowl. Putting his coffee mug down, Hutch but couldn’t keep the concern from creeping furrowed his brows pointedly and tilted his into his expression again. “Did you at least eat head, but Starsky seemed too lost in thought to some more?” notice. Starsky opened his mouth to answer, but “Didn’t your mother teach you not to play his body language made it obvious his partner with your food?” Hutch eventually broke the wouldn’t like what he had to say. silence. “Buddy? What is it?” “Starsk. What am I gonna do with you? Glancing up at him, Starsky opened his Why didn’t you eat? What did you do all day?” mouth, closed it again. Letting the spoon sink He looked over his shoulder as if back into the into the bowl, he placed both elbows on the kitchen, thought he couldn’t see it from where table and rested his face in his hands, palms he stood. “Aw, no. Don’t tell me you cleaned pressing his eyes closed. up after me.” Hutch watched for a few long moments, Starsky couldn’t help but laugh at the then tentatively nudged Starsky’s arm. pretended dismay. “I can’t sleep, Hutch,” he “Starsky.” said after a moment, the tinge of despair in his Starsky dragged his hands down his face, voice betraying his smile. He shrugged again. leaving red streaks on his pale skin, then put All humor faded from Hutch’s face. “I his arms on the table. One hand closed over thought you didn’t try,” he said calmly. Hutch’s wrist. He closed his eyes briefly, drew Starsky averted his eyes. He sighed. in a deep breath, let it go again and picked up It was a sound that hit Hutch like a blow. the spoon. He stared into the soup. He felt his brows arch in sympathy. “Buddy—” “Hey.” “It’s just,” Starsky said without looking at Starsky looked up at him. him, “not as easy as it looks like.” Nodding as “I can make you something else if you if inwardly encouraging himself, he looked up don’t like it, but you need to eat.” again. “It’ll pass.” “It’s not that,” Starsky muttered, gaze Hutch smiled a small smile, unsure of what wandering off almost as if he was ashamed. to say. In fact, he couldn’t think of anything The defeated tone was a blow to Hutch’s but, “How ’bout lunch?” already tense stomach. “Then what?” he asked “Lunch as in lunch?” Starsky said, “or softly. lunch as in,” he waved his head at the blond, Starsky wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I just…I “healthy, y’know…yuck?” just thought…” he swallowed, bit his lip. “Lunch,” Hutch replied convincingly, and “Nothing.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his his partner nodded. eyes. “Not important.” Obviously not wanting “Okay.” to give his partner a chance to react to that, he “Good.” They turned, and Hutch placed hastily added, “I’d better try to get some more one hand on the back of Starsky’s shoulder as rest after this.” A small, snorted laugh. “Can’t if to guide him inside. Frowning, he rubbed the even think straight anymore.” spot a few times, feeling tiny tremors rack his Hutch watched him carefully, catching the friend’s body. desperate plea in the body language. Forcing a “It’ll pass, Hutch. ’Mokay.” wry smile upon his lips, he picked up his Hutch decided to let it be. He drew his coffee and leaned back in his chair. “Not that hand away. anyone would notice.” About half an hour later, he watched Starsky was so grateful he didn’t bother to Starsky stir his chicken and noodle soup, free come up with a reply, just nodded and finally hand scratching at a cracker that lay next to his started eating. Every so often, he’d steal a

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 163 sideglance at Hutch, his shoulders lifted in then snapped her fingers and produced a small constant tension. bottle from the bag. “And I brought him some Hutch thought of the untouched pills to help him sleep. Just in case.” sandwiches in Starsky’s cell and suppressed an “Good thinking,” Hutch said, surprised at angry sigh as he tried to appear unaware of his his own hard tone. He glanced into the bag. partner’s struggle to manage the everyday task Audrey frowned. “What? I figured Dave’s of eating. Starsky caught him watching big on comfort food.” anyway, and looked at his own trembling hand. “Yeah, normally,” Hutch said, “but now’s He let it sink down, dropping the spoon in the not normal.” bowl. Audrey put one arm around him. “He’ll be “I’m tired,” he said curtly, shoving the okay.” She looked up at him, waited until he bowl away and standing up in the same met her eyes. “How ’bout you?” motion. He swayed, but something in his “What d’you mean? I’m fine.” expression made it clear he didn’t need any Disentangling himself, he walked around the help. Hutch remained seated, looking after his table, then realized the only reason he’d done friend, who turned for the bedroom and went so was to get away from her. He picked up the in, leaving the door open. coffee can. “Like some coffee?” Hutch took his time finishing his coffee. She shook her head and looked at the table. He ate a couple of crackers, then stood to turn “Did he eat some more?” off the TV. He peeked through the bedroom Hutch nodded. door, seeing only a curled up form nearly “And you?” hidden by the blankets. Even if Starsky He sighed. “Audie, I’m fine. It’s not me couldn’t sleep again it was obvious he needed I’m—” to be alone right now, so Hutch took a shower. “I worry about you. Don’t you understand Afterwards he headed for the living room to that?” catch up on his phone calls, first of which was “Yeah. No.” Hutch pushed a hand through to call Huggy and apologize. his hair. “It’s just…I-I don’t want that, okay? He’d just picked up the receiver when a Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Once again knock at the door made him jump. He hung up with no visible reason he turned towards the and crossed the room to open the door and breakfast bar, only to find he had cornered frown at Audrey, who’d just lifted her hand for himself. a second knock. She let it sink down with an “Hutch.” embarrassed smile. Surprised, Hutch glanced at her over his “Hi,” she smiled, pushed herself up on her shoulder. It was the first time he could recall toes to kiss his cheek and stepped inside. her ever using the nickname. He didn’t know “How’s my patient?” why that mattered, but it did somehow. It “Asleep,” Hutch answered and quietly meant something. If only he could put his closed the door. “Hi.” finger on it. “Still?” Audrey asked, surprised, and Watching his reaction, Audrey softened her glanced at her watch. “That’s a good sign.” voice even more. She didn’t approach him, “Uh, no,” Hutch replied and followed her though, leaving him in his safe space behind into the kitchen. “Just now. What’s that?” he the table. “I want to help you. I’m here for asked, pointing his chin at a brown paper bag you.” Audrey put on the table. “But I don’t need help!” he snapped, “Donuts,” she smiled. “And muffins. regretting the angry force of his reply instantly. Didn’t know what to buy, so…” She shrugged, “I’m sorry. I’m—”

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“Okay,” Audrey cut him off. “I don’t know “Dammit, Audrey, this isn’t about us,” how to react to all of this, I admit that. I’m Hutch raised his voice, unsure where that had sorry. For me, this is just such scary shit going come from. “It’s about me!” on in your life. And it looks like you’re used to “If it’s just about you,” Audrey yelled, it. Dave too. And that doesn’t make it any “then how do you think there can ever be an better. But I’m trying, Ken. I need to try.” She us?” paused, studying him. “And if you want to be There was a long silence, both of them with me, you have to let me help you. If you staring at each other, the perfect image of a want this to work out, you have to let me in. fighting couple desperate for the other one to This guy you told me about, who’s responsible understand, angry without knowing why. for all this, who wanted to get back at Hutch felt the adrenaline rush ebb away, you…who is he? Tell me about that.” replaced by regret. He took in her appearance, Hutch didn’t even think about his answer. her anger that couldn’t hide the frightened “I can’t.” sadness in her eyes. All this turmoil just for Somewhere deep down underneath the him. All this wasted energy. All this pain and thick blanket of fear, he wondered why. grief that existed because he existed. Audrey opened her mouth to protest and he “I’ll call you,” he said. repeated, “I just can’t.” She stared at him and let go of a shaky, “Meaning you don’t want to.” audible breath. “I just don’t understand you, “Okay, yeah,” he answered. “I don’t want Ken,” she said, and he knew it was meant to to. I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.” hurt him. She didn’t say any more, just turned As if the echo of his own anger startled him, he and left. Didn’t even bang the door. lowered his voice. “Give me some time. Hutch stood in the corner of Starsky’s I’ll…I’ll call you.” kitchen, letting his head hang. A voice from A hurt expression spreading over her face, the entry made him jump. Audrey folded her arms in front of her chest. “I’m with her.” “Something terrifying happens to you, and you push me away? Is that your idea of a “Jeez, Starsk!” Hutch said, grabbing his relationship?” chest for pure emphasis. He threw his friend a For some reason, though he knew it was glance, then turned to the counter. “Thought wrong, Hutch started to get pissed at her. “It you were asleep.” didn’t happen to me, it happened to my Starsky didn’t bother to answer. He leaned partner. And I’m not pushing you away. I’m against the doorframe, folding his arms in front telling you, I’ll call you. I need some time.” of him. “What’re you doing, Hutch? What’s “For what?” she asked. going on?” “F-for…” Hutch stammered, exasperated. “Insomnia is no excuse for eavesdropping, “For…I don’t know! For me! For this! To pal.” figure stuff out. Just…let me be for a while. “What d’you expect me to do, cover my Okay? Can you do that?” ears?” Starsky replied, but his voice was The look she gave him didn’t confirm that somber. “What’s going on with you?” hope. But her following words startled him. “Nothing,” Hutch snapped, then sighed. “Do you love me?” “Starsk, I don’t want to discuss my love life Even more so did his immediate answer. right now, okay? I want you to try and get “Yes.” some sleep, so if you’d just go back to—” A humorless grin twisted her mouth. “But “She’s right,” Starsky started again. “You you don’t want me around in times of crisis. are pushing her away.” That it? You don’t allow me to try and—” “I’m not.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 165 “Yes, you are. I know you, Blintz. I know “Let’s face it, Starsk, being around me isn’t you love her, and I know you’re trying to kick good for people, health-wise. And sometimes her out of your life. What I don’t know is the timing is just bad. Audrey and I were just why.” starting, and…frankly, I don’t need her right Placing both hands on the breakfast now. Maybe I can call her in a few weeks counter, Hutch stared down at it, shoulders and…” But as he listened to himself, he drawn up. He’d rather finish the conversation laughed softly and shrugged. with Audrey than carry on with this. He felt “I know how you’re feeling,” Starsky said, Starsky’s gaze on him, sensed his moving from and Hutch bowed his head, ashamed of having the door to the table. He sat down. this discussion with his friend. After all, “You know you could tell her about it.” Starsky was the one who’d lost someone he Hutch looked up, eyes narrowed. “No, I loved to the job. “And you’re right, it’s a risk. I could not.” mean, you and me, we know that, but…” “Why not?” Starsky asked. Trailing off, he shook his head. “You’re letting “Because I don’t tell anyone about it.” her win. Whatever Whatshername told you, if Starsky studied him for a long moment, his she threatened Audrey or not, it doesn’t matter. gaze layered with pure sadness and knowledge. You can’t just give up like that, have her run A knowledge that Hutch knew shouldn’t your life.” surprise him. “You know the queen of horror “Better than have her destroy Audie’s,” stories—” Hutch said, avoiding his partner’s gaze. “Never “Galesko.” Hutch said. He was ignored. heard of ‘if you love someone, let ’em go’?” “—is going to be put away. Whatever she “But Audrey doesn’t want to go, Blintz. In said to you has no bearing in the real world. case you haven’t noticed, Audrey clings.” Only if you let it.” Hutch chuckled, but shook his head. Hutch huffed. “How wise, buddy. But just “She loves you, man,” Starsky said. “Even for the record, we put Forest away, too. See though she’s seen your car. And that’s sayin’ how unreal that made him.” somethin’.” Starsky sighed. “Aw, Hutch, c’mon, d’you Hutch smiled, still not looking at him. really wanna start with me about this? If you Starsky waited, then asked, “You’re not blame yourself, that’s bad enough, but don’t go even thinking about changing your mind, are and punish yourself. Don’t ruin things because you?” of it. It’s not worth it. The world’s a dangerous Lifting his gaze at last, Hutch shook his place. You’re a cop, you should know that. If head. “No.” He thought for a moment. “I that’s okay with Audrey, then it’s the best you can’t.” get.” “Of course you can,” Starsky shot back. Coffee forgotten, Hutch leaned against the “You have to fight. I mean I know it’s fucking counter, arms folded across his chest. “You’re frightening, and I know it’s hard, but—” right, I’m a cop, and because of that, I know “Maybe,” Hutch interrupted him very that Audrey doesn’t know shit. She doesn’t calmly, “I’m just not as strong as you are. Ever know what it is she’d be getting into.” thought of that?” “Oh, I think she does. Now, at least,” “No.” Starsky didn’t miss a beat to answer. Starsky replied. “She’s a great lady, Hutch. If Didn’t even sound surprised at the reaction. you push her away, you’re a fool.” “Because that’s beaver crap.” “So maybe I am!” Hutch exclaimed. Hutch stared at him, dumbfounded, and “That’s better than…” he shook his head. suddenly laughed. He shook his head, lifted his

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hands in a surrendering gesture. “Okay. So it He drew his hands away, looked about the dark is. But it’s my beaver crap, all right? Let me room for a moment. deal with it the way I choose, and you just The clock on the nightstand told him it was focus on getting better for now. How’s that in fact even later than he’d thought, and he sound?” gave it a satisfied look before remembering “Awfully reasonable,” Starsky grumbled he’d taken two of Audrey’s sleeping pills and yawned suddenly. instead of one. But then, oh hell, Rome hadn’t “That’s what I thought,” Hutch said and been built in a day. approached him, took his arm. “Up. You’re He stretched a little, gaze wandering to going back to bed.” settle on the door. He stood to leave the room, “But I’m not done trying to talk some sense sudden anxiety speeding his steps. into you,” Starsky protested, trying to wriggle Hutch was sound asleep on the couch his arm free. “And besides, I can’t sleep.” He outside, and the relieved breath that escaped yawned again. Starsky at the sight was quickly followed by Hutch smiled at the absurd scene and annoyance. Hutch was safe. He knew that! patted Starsky’s head. “Well, tell you what, if Why couldn’t his subconscious? With a quiet you really can’t, you can take some of this stuff sigh he sat down in the wicker chair next to the Audrey left. Deal?” couch, sinking into it heavily, watching his Frowning innocently, Starsky blinked up at friend. The familiar little crease was apparent his friend. “D’you really think donuts’ll help?” on Hutch’s forehead even in sleep. He knew “No. I meant the muffins. Mushbrain.” how his partner was feeling. He wished he “Oh.” Starsky nodded. “Okay.” On his way didn’t. out, he stopped in the door. “Hey?” Leaning his head back, he looked at the “Yeah?” Hutch asked, not turning around. ceiling, stretched out his legs. You couldn’t “I’m fine around you.” He waited for blame people for blaming themselves. Hutch to glance at him. “Health-wise.” He left Especially cops. After Terry’s death, he had the kitchen. talked a lot about quitting, but deep within his In less than twenty minutes he returned for grieving self it had never been about the job. the sleeping pills. He’d blamed himself, David Starsky, as a person, not necessarily a cop. If it hadn’t been ~oOo~ for him, Terry would still be alive. The world would still have a Terry Roberts. But if he’d Starsky snapped awake, a gasp catching in had a choice, would he have chosen to stop his throat, and struggled to sit up, fingers living, stop loving? scrambling at…something soft? He frowned. No. Because he’d loved her that much. And Why was the ground soft? Squinting his eyes though it was sometimes hidden underneath against the bright moonlight outside the layers of guilt and remorse and sadness, there window, he kicked his blanket away, watched was the deep knowledge within his heart that it slide over the edge of his bed. Bed. Right. she wouldn’t have wanted him to step back, Home, he was home. either. She’d have chosen the same. Because it With the realization, frustration came, and had been worth it. He knew that now. After all he swung his feet to the ground and rested his this time, he knew it with all his heart, as if face in his hands. At least it was dark outside, Terry herself had told him. He was too grateful so he must have slept a few hours, he figured. for what they’d had to be able to wish different He thought he felt a little better too. Tired still, for her. He missed her terribly and he never but not as worn out as before. Not so desperate. lost the desperate fury at the man who’d taken

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 167 her from him, but he didn’t blame himself One quick glance at the clock told him his anymore. inner red alert still worked—he had overslept. It hadn’t happened because he was who he Coffee would have to wait, Hutch decided was. It had just happened. while he took a quick shower. He borrowed a Hutch shifted a little, a small sound of fresh t-shirt from Starsky’s bedroom and threw protest reaching Starsky’s ears. It faded into it on when a strangled yelp sent him all but the stillness of the night. About to reach out sprinting into the living room. Starsky and offer comfort, Starsky watched him curl up stumbled and crashed to the floor next to the on his side, face buried in the pillow, breaths wicker chair he’d jumped from, confused and calming, slowing. terrified. Leaning back, Starsky drew his legs up “Awake!” Starsky repeated through a onto the chair. You’re worth it, Blintz. You breathless gasp, wild eyes jumping around the gotta learn that. room. “I’m awake. I-I didn’t…it’s not…” The night grew old, watching him guard “Starsky! It’s all right.” He knelt down and over Hutch’s sleep. Slumber sneaked up turned Starsky’s chin to face him. “It’s okay. unexpectedly. I’m right here. It’s okay.” Starsky froze. “Hutch?” ~oOo~ “Yes,” Hutch assured. “It’s me. It’s all right, you’re—” Hutch hated waking up on Starsky’s couch, Starsky’s expression grew even more but today it was even worse. His back hurt and frantic than before. Panicked, he grabbed he’d also overslept. Now he was late for work. Hutch’s arms. “No.” Funny, how your mind could inform you you’d It was just a whisper, yet the despair it overslept the minute you awakened, but didn’t carried hurt to hear. Hutch understood manage to wake you up before. instantly. “Starsky. Starsk, listen to me.” He lifted one clumsy hand to wipe over his Starsky didn’t react, didn’t seem to hear or features as he wearily pulled the blanket off, want to listen as he clung to the blond, almost feet searching for the floor. He sat up and hurting him. His eyes were closed, as if the caught sight of a limp form huddled in the cruel reality he expected couldn’t find him wicker chair. Puzzled, he frowned and studied then. It reminded Hutch of a frightened kid. his partner, who was sound asleep. And just like he’d deal with one, he lowered He didn’t have the heart to wake Starsky, his voice, banned all urgency from it and though he looked uncomfortable, as if sleep gently freed one arm to cup Starsky’s cheek. did not come to him as a friend. His chin was “Buddy, you’re home. It’s okay. Open your tucked in close to his body, and his legs were eyes, c’mon. Look.” twisted in a strange half sprawl. It reminded There was the slightest hesitation, then, Hutch of the impossible positions Starsky tentatively, Starsky blinked his eyes open. managed to fall asleep in during stakeouts, “See?” he asked and looked around, sure sprawled between the steering wheel and the that Starsky would follow his gaze. “It’s your backrest of the driver’s seat. place. You’re home.” Hutch staggered to his feet, his sore back Starsky frowned, didn’t loosen his grip. screaming at him to try and find a more Hutch watched patiently, not trying to draw agreeable place to sleep next time. Scrunching his other arm away, but sat back to give his his face, he stretched his aching muscles once friend more space. “Y’okay now?” he asked more, then picked up the blanket to spread it after a moment and waited for Starsky to look over Starsky before he left for the bathroom. at him again. “Starsk?”

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Starsky swallowed, catching his breath. He “No,” Starsky cut him off, “no, don’t. nodded. “Y-yeah,” he whispered shakily and Honest, Hutch, I’m fine.” His partner opened cleared his throat. “Yeah, terrific.” A deep his mouth, and Starsky added, “I’m not up to breath. “Triffic. I’m fine.” He scanned the par, but I don’t need to be watched. You go to room, mumbling. “Just fine. Hutch. Home. work, and I’ll be a good little couch potato and Okay. Everything’s okay.” take it easy. All right?” Hutch arched his brows and squeezed the “I don’t know,” Hutch replied, furrowing hand on his arm. “Right,” he soothed. his brows. “I don’t think—” “Okay,” Starsky said, more to himself than “Hutch,” Starsky interrupted him again. He Hutch. “We’re okay.” wasn’t pleading anymore. “I just need more “Buddy, calm down.” time. I’ll be okay.” “Yeah. Yeah.” It didn’t sound like he was. “Waking up to a panic attack is okay?” Hutch tried to get up and get him a glass of “I said I will be okay,” Starsky said. water, but Starsky held him back. As if on cue, the phone rang. “Don’t go away!” Hutch gave it an angry glance. Starsky “No, I’m…” Hutch said, feeling his heart looked at him meaningfully, and Hutch sighed. wrench at the pleading voice, the fear in his “Gonna handle Dobey for me?” friend’s eyes. “I’m not leaving, I just wanna Starsky winked. “Anytime, buddy.” get you some water. I’m right here. I won’t go “Thanks. I’ll drop by later.” Hutch was off away, I promise.” the couch and through the front door. There “I don’t need no water,” Starsky said. “Just was just enough time to catch Starsky saying, “Yeah, but my car’s still with the lab boys, he stay here for a moment, yeah? Please?” had to take his own.” “Sure,” Hutch replied and sat back down, He almost banged the door shut, but slow and quiet, trying to project calm. “I’m thought better just in time and pulled it closed right here, babe. I’m not leaving, and nothing’s with all the gentleness his survival instinct gonna happen to either of us. We’re okay.” demanded. “Yeah.” Starsky nodded, then sighed deeply. Ever so slowly, his fingers unclenched ~oOo~ as he freed Hutch’s arm. “Man, I hate this,” he said. He still trembled, but it subsided as his It didn’t take Starsky long to find out that breathing slowed. It took some time before he being a good little couch potato and taking it looked even remotely calm and was able to easy wasn’t the same thing anymore. At least flash his partner a somewhat embarrassed not for him. smile. “Now water would be great,” he said. True to his promise, he had snuggled up on Hutch chuckled and stood, squeezing the couch in front of the TV with Audrey’s Starsky’s shoulder on his way around him and supply of comfort food, watching an agreeable into the kitchen. When he returned, Starsky looking oldie sitcom. What had seemed like a was seated on the couch with his head back sure way to relax turned out to be an invitation and his eyes closed. Hutch nudged his arm and for sleep to overwhelm him every so often. handed him the water, then sat down next to And it wasn’t a peaceful, healing sleep like he him, watching him. had hoped, but the restless, nervous slumber “Thanks,” Starsky muttered, after he’d he’d grown so unnervingly acquainted with by taken a few sips. He frowned. “You’re late, now. He wasn’t sure why he had hoped things aren’t you?” would to get back to normal so soon after the Hutch waved. “I’m gonna call in—” incident earlier that morning, but maybe it was

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 169 just his own conviction that he should be bones, and desperate fury could agitate as getting over it. After all, it had been two days. much as fear-filled nightmares. They were both He’d made a point of not taking the pretty good at guilt too. It was a weak spot they sleeping pills with him to the couch. He just couldn’t get rid of and something that he couldn’t rely on those forever, could he? And knew acted in Galesko’s favor when she’d laid he didn’t need them, anyway. Hell, this was out her little scenario to Hutch. sleep he was talking about. The one thing right For some reason, the writer seemed able to after breathing that you did without thinking get to the blond like few people Starsky had about. He’d never had problems sleeping. met before, and it bothered him even more that Nightmares, now that was a different topic, but that he didn’t know why. To him she’d been not insomnia. And certainly not like this. It scary because she had power over his best was annoying to wake so often, but the thing friend’s life. Apart from that, he hadn’t found that unnerved him was this stinging feeling of her any more impressive than other dread, exploding inside him like a bomb every psychopaths he’d come across. You took their time he awakened. It settled like poisoned fog being dangerous seriously, but not them. There over him. Every time he woke up, he had the had been nothing frightening for him in Simon urge to call the precinct and check on his Marcus’s people, either. What he had suffered partner. from had been the terror of being at someone’s Listlessly picking a donut from the bag on mercy. the coffee table, he found himself staring at it, So maybe the problem was that Hutch had the same aversion as before twisting his taken Galesko seriously when she’d talked to insides. He let it fall down again with a him. Something she had said met a willing, frustrated sigh. Leaning back, his gaze believing part in Hutch’s soul, and it had wandered until it came to rest on the terrace hooked him in with slimy claws, impossible to door, covered by the closed blinds. To keep the disengage without ripping and damage. sky out. Hutch was hurt, not safe. Starsky closed his eyes. This was ridiculous. But was that really the answer why Starsky And totally unlike him. He should be okay two couldn’t let go of the image of his friend days after having been rescued. He hadn’t been dragged into the cold cellar room, beaten and through that much. He’d seen worse. Marcus, battered and about to get…. yeah, sure, that had been scary. Then, he’d Eyes flying open, a gasp died in Starsky’s been entitled to freak out for days afterwards, throat. He knew he’d jumped up from the but this? The more he thought about it, the couch only when he stumbled over his own more convinced he became that Hutch had feet and crashed back down on it. Panting, he never been in any danger. Galesko wouldn’t focused on the TV, then let his head fall have had him killed. That hadn’t been Forest’s forward into his hands, trying to shake off the plan. So why was he still so frightened for his disturbing pictures his mind tormented him partner? Why couldn’t he get over the feeling with. All of a sudden he found himself at the they would hurt Hutch? phone, out of breath, heart hammering in his Or had already. The way Hutch talked throat. about Galesko…the near hate in his voice… Startled, he stared at the receiver in his Starsky knew that tone, and it worried him. Of shaking hand and hung up, turning on his heels course one of them always suffered when the in the same motion to storm into the bedroom. other got hurt, in a different but not less painful This had to stop. He would make it stop. way. They’d both found out long ago that helplessness could hurt as much as broken ~oOo~

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Why was it that no one else in this precinct was more than a startled burglar. This was ever seemed to be on hold when they were on something personal. the phone? How did they do that? The minute Hutch had tried to call some of the he told the person on the other end of the line, numbers on a notepad by Grey’s phone. A usually female, his name, he’d be holding number for someone named Linda rang and before his lips stopped moving. Well, maybe rang, and he hadn’t been able to speak to his name scared them off. Maybe they all had anyone at the city waterworks Grey had come across his Dad at some point in the past. worked for, either. With the usual order for the Hope flashed over his face, and he lab guys to hurry with the report so he could tightened his grip on the receiver. “Yeah, I’m have it today, hopefully before lunch, Hutch still here. I’m…” He sighed. “…holding. Sure. left the scene. No prob.” The last words were spoken to a Back at the precinct, he tried the two happy recorded tune. numbers again, starting with the waterworks, And since when did all the big companies and ever since then had been on hold. use those auto club happy ‘please hold’ tunes, Tormented with happy tunes. anyway? Why would anyone calling the city He reached the point of humming along waterworks want to listen to that? Did the without noticing when a real person’s voice police station use happy tunes? Maybe they finally interrupted the music. At the same should! Maybe the lab should! moment, Starsky entered the squad room. He sat and drew circles around the name of Hutch hung up. “What’re you doing here?” the latest case in his notebook. The body of he asked, glancing down at the receiver in his Charles Grey, fifty-five years old, had been hand. Shoulders slumping, he looked at found by his neighbor that morning. A fragile Starsky, sitting on the desk. “Thought you looking lady in her late seventies, her question were gonna take it easy another day.” to Hutch had been, “Who would have done Shrugging, Starsky replied, “I want my car something like this?” over and over, during the back,” and pointed at the phone. “What was whole thirty minutes of a futile attempt to take that about?” her statement. The only thing Hutch had “New case,” Hutch said. “Your car? You learned was that she hadn’t known Grey very know I’d have driven the tomato home for you well, had only noticed his open door by tonight.” chance, and had stepped inside to see if Starsky shook his head. “Nah. I can’t relax everything was okay. when it’s not parked outside, y’know? Makes Considering what her well-meaning action me nervous. Besides,” he added, sliding off the forced her to see, Hutch really felt sorry for the desk to stroll over to his desk chair, “I want to poor woman. It hadn’t been pretty. Grey had identify Galesko and her goons, get it done. been executed lying on his stomach with a Give my statement and all that. I think we’ll clean shot to the neck. Both outstretched arms both feel better when Virginia Woolf is beyond and legs had been shot in several places. lawyer talk. Now, d’you wanna type it?” A quick scan of the apartment told Hutch “Uh, yeah, sure,” Hutch replied “’Course. the man had lived alone, though framed You might want to check in with Dobey first.” pictures on his shelves and TV told stories of a Glancing over his shoulder at his captain’s happy past: kids, pretty wife, family Christmas closed door, Starsky nodded and without cards, vacations spent in the mountains, bothering to knock entered the office. Out of a afternoon barbecues at the beach. Nothing familiar mixture of protectiveness and plain appeared to be missing or stolen, and you amusement, Hutch followed him. didn’t need to be a detective to figure the killer “Hi Cap.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 171 “Starsky! D’you ever hear of knocking? Looking like an unruly little boy in the And what’re you doing here? I thought you principal’s office, Starsky fell silent. were still on sick leave! Didn’t you tell me he “Officer Weil,” Dobey continued, glaring was?” Dobey barked at Hutch, who lifted his as he emphasized the department psychiatrist’s shoulders helplessly. name, “does a very good job at keeping this “He was this morning.” division together. You need to get that “Then he still is this afternoon. Starsky, go certificate whether you throw a temper tantrum home and get some rest. You look awful.” or not, so I’d appreciate it if you could Starsky tried on a hurt expression and dispense with it. Now, get the hell outta here looked at his partner. “And I just said ‘hi.’” and don’t come back before you’ve proven to “Well, he does have a point there, buddy,” her you’re not crazier than normal. Hutch stated gravely. “You could do with Hutchinson…” he turned to Hutch, who some more winks, couldn’t you?” nodded quickly, grabbing his partner’s arm and “Listen to your partner,” Dobey said, dragging him out before Starsky had the waving Starsky off. “Take the rest of the week chance to say anything more. off and get some sleep. You’re no use to anyone when you’re about to fall on your ~oOo~ face.” Taken off guard, Starsky stared at him, “Know what I think?” Starsky started while then at Hutch and back. “I wish I’d known they were climbing the stairs to Sandra Weil’s sooner this is what happens when you try to office. “I think she’s in on it all.” officially report back to duty.” Hutch frowned. “Who?” “No,” Dobey replied, “this is what happens “Officer Weird!” when you bounce in here looking like you do. “Her name’s Weil, Starsky, and you know To report back, you need a psych certificate, she’d be much less prejudiced against you if you know that.” you’d save the come-on lines and level with Starsky’s face fell. “Aw, no, Cap,” he her on your first meeting.” whined. “Please.” “She asked me what I needed that time, Dobey rolled his eyes. “Starsky. You know so—” the rules.” “I know,” Hutch cut him off, lifting his “But they’re mean rules!” Starsky hands, “what your answer was.” He rolled his protested. eyes when Starsky grinned. “You just hate her Hutch hid a smile. because she’s a shrink.” “I didn’t make them,” Dobey countered, “I hate her because she’s hateable,” Starsky “and they’re there for a reason.” countered, “and you’re one to talk, Blintz. “What reason other than to drive innocent You’re scared shitless of her.” officers of the law nuts? Oh, wait, I forgot, it’s “Intimidated,” Hutch corrected tonelessly. about proving we’re nuts,” he added. “Do you “Yeah, right,” Starsky grumbled. His speed wanna hear my theory about it?” slowed as they reached the correct floor. Hutch “Not really,” Dobey and Hutch mumbled in placed one arm around his shoulders unison. encouragingly. Starsky ignored them. “It’s just some “I’m right with ya, buddy.” bullshit Officer Weird talked you into because Starsky shot him a look. “I think she’s part she takes pleasure from—” of it all. I bet she called Galko to offer—” “Starsky,” Dobey cut him off, lifting a “Galesko,” Hutch corrected, drawing his warning finger. arm away. “And if I were you, I’d keep from

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mentioning your theory in there. Remember By the way, did you reach whoever you were the last time you accused her of working for trying to call earlier? Because I could call them someone?” back for you.” Starsky nodded. With no reaction visible on his face, Hutch “See,” Hutch said, nodding like a patient grabbed Starsky’s arm to glance at his watch. adult who’d just managed to talk some sense “Man, is it that late,” he said. “We’ve got work into a stubborn teenager. “Now for once try to to do—guess I don’t have time to check with behave yourself, tell her how you feel, and Weil. Just have to trust you, huh? Let’s go get please don’t give her a reason to suggest your that statement of yours filed before lunch, immediate admission into a psych hospital. partner. Then you’ve got a call to make.” Think you can do that? For me?” Starsky nodded, content. “That’s what I “I don’t know. I mean, if I’m supposed to thought.” tell her how I’m feeling, then how—” “Starsk,” Hutch said, using the advantage ~oOo~ his height gave him to look down on his friend. “Okay. For you,” Starsky added. For the first time since they’d been “’Atta boy,” Hutch praised and turned for partners, Starsky wasn’t sure if it was a good the stairs again, as they were in front of Weil’s idea to have Hutch at his side. It was the first office. “I’ll be downstai—” time he actually had to dictate a statement to “Ah, ah, ah,” Starsky cut him off, grabbed his friend. Any other time they’d have talked his arm. “You stay here.” Pointing a warning about it already, so that Hutch would write it finger at Hutch, he opened the door to the down itself and then have Starsky sign it. No office without knocking and vanished inside need to go through it all again, asking and before Hutch could protest. answering all those unnerving, disturbing With a frustrated groan, Hutch leaned questions cops had to bother a victim with. against the wall. He hadn’t had time to get tired But they hadn’t talked that much about of standing when the door opened again, what had happened, and though Hutch had revealing a happily whistling Starsky, who seen the aftermath, he still needed details for with polite gentleness closed the door. the report. Details that more or less surrounded “’Kay,” he grinned at his dumbfounded his own name on the paper. friend, waving a small piece of paper. “Let’s Pretty soon into the statement, talking go.” about level one of the ‘game’, Starsky realized Hutch stared at him, brows furrowing. “Did this had been a bad idea. Listening obviously you hurt her?” he asked suspiciously. hurt Hutch a great deal. Well, no wonder, the Starsky laughed and winked. “Told her whole story was focused on him. Starsky knew how I’m feeling.” Patting Hutch’s arm, he led that in a twisted, guilt-ridden way, Hutch heard him back down the hallway. “C’mon, we’ve that he was the reason for his friend’s ordeal, got work waiting. You haven’t told me about and the weapon used against him. He had been this new case yet.” the reason for no sleep, no food, no warmth. “She was in there, wasn’t she? Starsky, did He couldn’t see that he had also been the you write that certificate yourself?” reason for hope and willpower. “Hutch,” Starsky said indignantly. “Would Trying his best to cut the statement short I do that?” and protect his partner as much as he could, Hutch just looked at him. Starsky left out things, forgetting occasionally Starsky stopped in his steps, meeting his that he was still talking to a cop, giving an eyes, all innocence. “Just to get back to work? official statement. Of course Hutch would ask

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 173 when he noticed. He was a thorough officer, to during the long hours of interrogation. When report-wise. it came to anything connected to Anne Starsky knew that in the end, he couldn’t Galesko, he seemed so vulnerable. As if deep hide the painful information from Hutch. He inside he feared that Starsky wasn’t telling him talked about Galesko’s visits, her threats that the whole truth, but hid something from him, had left him imagining the most horrible something disturbing, something he kept scenarios, and after Hutch asked, explained the looking for in Starsky’s face when he thought damage to his hands, the gash on his forehead. his partner wasn’t looking. He lied, said that he had hit the walls out of After all, Starsky thought with grim frustration and fury. Hutch just nodded and frustration, the crime itself had been focused typed it up that way, though Starsky knew it on Hutch. It might not look like it on paper, but didn’t fool him. he had been the chosen victim. At least it was over quickly, since there “It’ll be good to put her away.” wasn’t much to tell apart from Galesko’s Looking up, Hutch smiled. “Oh yeah! occasional visits. Hutch seemed particularly Especially on behalf of world literature. A interested in these. He had a thousand person who uses mushroom clouds as questions, getting Starsky to tell him exactly metaphors should not allowed to touch pen to what she had said, how she had said it, and paper.” how she had behaved. “Mushroom clouds?” Starsky repeated, “I told you,” Starsky said, lifting his hands puzzled. in a surrendering gesture, “there was nothing Hutch didn’t meet his eyes, instead playing remarkable about it if you don’t count her with a pen. “Doomed to destroy,” he muttered. being the ice queen. She’d drop in, make fun of Starsky watched him visibly withdraw. me, leave something there and then go again.” “Hutch?” He frowned. “Is there something particular “Hm?” Hutch lifted his head, but his you’re after? If so, just ask, buddy. I’m not attention was claimed by Dobey’s booming hiding anything.” voice. “Hutchinson. Starsky. My office.” Hutch’s face fell. “No, I’m sorry. I-I’m Hutch stood and Starsky quickly scribbled just…” he shook his head, giving Starsky a his signature on the report and followed, but small smile, and looked at the report again not without making a mental note to talk to his before he pulled it from the typewriter. “No, partner in private later. we’re done now. ’Sokay. Sorry for being such “Have a look at those,” Dobey greeted a pest.” them inside his office, shoving a series of Starsky watched him closely. “Hey,” he crime scene pictures over his desk. said, his voice softened, “you probably spent Starsky picked one up and frowned in more time with her than I did.” disgust. It showed an elderly man in a very tidy “Yeah,” Hutch said. “You’re right. I’m living room, face down on the ground, arms sorry. Here.” He shoved the report over on his and legs stretched out to his sides, dotted with partner’s desk. bullet holes. Dark dried blood pooled around Starsky didn’t react, waited until Hutch the still form. The features were the color of lifted his gaze to him. “You all right?” ash. “Yeah, I’m fine.” A shrug. “I just hate what Glancing first at his partner, who was happened, that’s all.” studying another picture, and then at Dobey, With some irony, Starsky wondered if he Starsky asked, “Details?” should take his partner’s statement as well, “Robin Barton,” Dobey complied. “Age find out what Hutch had been forced to listen sixty-seven, resigned high school teacher, lived

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alone. A salesman noticed the smell when he “Okay,” Hutch said late that afternoon, knocked this morning and called the cops.” absently unwrapping a sandwich and flipping Dobey shook his head. “No one missed the through the pages of his notebook. “Grey’s man before that. Doc says he’s been dead for a wife says she and the kids left him about a year week.” ago because he beat them.” He sighed and “Who was at the scene?” Hutch asked. exchanged a look with his partner. “According “Reilman and Kleitz. They’re having the to her, Grey had a heavy drinking problem and stuff sent over to you.” some other ‘issues’, she called them. Meaning Hutch nodded and lifted another picture, he beat her, caused a miscarriage, sent her in Starsky watching him. “I have a bunch of the hospital twice—I checked, it’s the truth. He matching ones on my desk. Charles Grey, fifty- started hitting the girls and the wife got them five. Welcome to the new case, partner.” out of there.” “Hooray,” Starsky muttered, studying the “The guy I spoke to at the waterworks says gruesome picture again. He stood up. “Well, Grey was the kindest, best guy around,” said let’s get to it then.” Starsky. “A real pal, as long as you didn’t run “Yep,” Hutch agreed. into him after he started drinking. Apparently At the door Dobey’s voice held them back. he lost two or three jobs before this one “Starsky?” because of his drinking and temper. He was Starsky turned. He tried not to cringe, arrested once at a bar fight, though his lawyer seeing his psych certificate in the Captain’s proved that the other guy started it.” He raised hand. “Yes, Cap?” smirked. “The other guy was injured pretty Dobey gave him a piercing glance from badly—his nose was busted, his arm fractured, across the room, then let the thin folder fall and a ripped ear. Guess what Grey carried back onto his desk. “Good to have you back,” away? A shiner.” he grumbled. Hutch closed his notebook, raising his Starsky beamed and rushed outside, brows. “Your regular All-American asshole.” followed by Hutch, who threw his superior a Taking a huge bite of his sandwich, he frowned grateful smile. at Starsky, who’d shoved his sandwich aside. “Something wrong with it?” ~oOo~ “Uh, no,” Starsky waved, not even looking. “I’m not hungry. Ready to hear about the next Solving a case was like playing connect the asshole?” dots. In the murders of Charles Grey and Robin “You need to eat, buddy,” Hutch said. “We Barton, there had been no witnesses, no one can get you something else, if—” whose information might mark a starting point. “Hutch,” Starsky cut him off with a The first clues, aside from the method of warning glance. “No mothering on the job.” It murder itself, came from their apartments, their sounded as if it was a fixed rule Hutch had living situation. forgotten about. “Now, Robin Taylor Barton,” The resemblances were striking. The he said, starting to read from his own scribbled pictures in Barton’s modest place showed pages, avoiding Hutch’s gaze. “Used to be a framed snapshots of better times, just like the math teacher in Idaho, moved here two years ones Hutch had seen in Grey’s apartment. Both ago. I spoke to the principal of the school he men were divorced. They were also fathers: worked at. The guy was a teacher back then, Grey had two daughters who lived with their too, and he said that Barton resigned after mother in a small town near San Diego, and some rumors that he’d hit a student. The boy’s Barton had a son living in Seattle. family never pressed charges, but…” he trailed

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 175 off meaningfully. “Anyway, he’s also divorced, they’re sitting on the stuff that’ll help us find ex-wife died last spring. Cancer.” the killer!” “He hit a student?” “Hm-mm,” Hutch muttered. He smiled at “It gets better,” Starsky replied. “I called the woman’s voice answering the phone. “Hey his son, Daniel Barton. Lives in Seattle now Cheryl, it’s Hutch. Yeah. Hey, listen, we’re with his own family, and when you listen to waiting for some evidence bags on a Charles him, you’d think his old man was the Grey and a Robin Barton. D’you think you Antichrist. Seems Mr. Barton was big on could check on those for me?” The smiled ‘discipline’ outside of the classroom, too. One widened. “Thanks.” He was about to make a time Daniel fought back and broke his father’s wisecrack aimed at his grumbling partner when arm with a baseball bat. When Barton came Cheryl came back on. “Yeah? Oh. Okay. Well, home from the hospital, his wife and son were no, of course. Yeah, I understand. Sure. ’Kay. gone. Daniel says he only heard from his father Be right there.” He hung up and stood, picking again a few months ago. Seems he’d started up the rest of his sandwich to take with him. working on his problems, y’know, talked about “Seems they’ve been done with our stuff for anger management. Started attending some hours, but didn’t get it up here. I’m gonna go self-help groups and was considering therapy. pick it up.” He shrugged at Starsky’s look. Daniel initially refused to talk to the old man, “Hey, they work very hard down there, but his wife finally convinced him. That’s y’know? Just because we expect them to play where it ended. They’d planned to call each delivery boy doesn’t mean it’s really part of other every week, maybe meet one day, take it their job.” slowly.” He shrugged. “Last week, no call “Right,” Starsky said. “Say ‘hi’ to Cheryl came.” for me.” “Because Barton was dead.” Hutch grinned. “Sure.” Starsky nodded and leaned back in his chair. “Sometimes I hate this world,” he ~oOo~ muttered. “Okay, so what d’we got?” Hutch asked. Watching after him, Starsky picked up his “Two dead bastards.” notes and leaned back in his chair. He scanned Hutch nodded. “Yeah.” He drew one of the them again and then put them aside, waiting Barton pictures closer, studied it. “Yeah.” He for his partner's return. His stomach growled looked up at Starsky. “Did Daniel or his loudly and he pulled his forgotten sandwich mother ever come to California?” closer, picking it up, fumbling with the plastic Starsky shook his head. “Nope. According wrapping. The thought of actually eating it to Daniel, Robin moved here because of a made him nauseous, but he knew he had to eat woman he’d met. Daniel doesn’t know her soon. The last thing he wanted was to worry name.” He checked his watch, then exclaimed, Hutch even more. He ripped the wrapping open “What’re they doing down there, anyway?” He and took a small bite before he had time to meant the lab guys, who had yet to send up the change his mind. He froze, staring at the items collected as possible evidence from both sandwich, at Hutch's empty chair. Panic spread apartments. “How long does it take to get like heat inside him, and he rushed to swallow fingerprints off an address book?” the bite already in his mouth. He reached for Hutch shrugged and picked up his phone. the phone and then realized he didn't know “I mean,” Starsky continued ranting, who he wanted to call. Downstairs to see if “We’re playing twenty questions here, and Hutch had arrived? He drew his hand back

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from the phone and instead gave the sandwich “I don’t care,” Starsky grumbled. “I hate on the desk an angry shove. phone research.” Not waiting for Hutch’s reply, His stomach growled again, and he spread he picked up the receiver and started dialing. a hand over his belly, as if to cover the noise. Starsky swiped the sandwich into the ~oOo~ wastebasket next to his desk. His hands were shaking. Unnerved, he bent over his desk, Phone research had certain advantages after gathering the pages of case notes and putting all, the biggest one being that you didn’t have them in a neat pile. to see the people you talked to. Hutch in He was looking for something else to do particular seemed grateful for that after he’d when Hutch re-entered the squad room, hung up from his short conversation with carrying two small boxes he dumped on his Marilyn Brix. She’d started ranting about desk. Barton from the first, had told the detective all “Cheryl says not to say ‘hi’ to you, because about the break-up after Barton hit her. you forgot to call her back when you-know- Barton had called her just once, months when.” Watching Starsky furrow his brows, after the end to their affair, to tell her the same trying to remember, Hutch added, “I didn’t things he’d told his son. Marilyn said it had know you and Cheryl had a you-know-when.” scared her, how badly she had wanted to “Me neither,” Starsky replied. He stood up believe him. “Because he sounded so...sad, and dragged one of the boxes closer, opening y’know?” She hadn’t went back to him, the top to inspect its contents. “Okay, Charles though, and Hutch could hear that her shock Grey it is,” he announced, digging into the was more that someone she had once known heap of personal things. He pulled out a small was dead than that she truly grieved for him. red notebook and flipped through it. “Address Brix didn’t know anything about Barton’s book.” family or how he had lost his former job. The “Same here,” Hutch said, waving a blue only thing that she did comment on was book he'd found in the other box. “Let’s see. Barton’s hypochondria. “He had a doctor for There’s Daniel in here, a Dr. Simon, another everything. Medicine was like a religion to doctor…’nother doctor,” he said, sounding him, y’know?” unimpressed. Shaking his head, he flipped Though most of his calls were much through a few pages. “Lotsa doctors in here.” shorter, Starsky didn’t appear entertained by “Shrinks?” Starsky asked. his share, either. The number of first name “Check that later,” Hutch replied absently, listings could lead you to assume that Grey had scanning the names. “There she is. Marilyn an active social life, when in fact they were Brix. Only woman in here.” phone numbers of colleagues from work and Starsky frowned. “That’s it? Daniel, doctors rarely utilized. None of the people Starsky and Marilyn Brix?” talked to had anything to say about Charles “Yep. Who’s in Grey’s?” Grey other than that he was ‘polite and quiet’. “Ex-wife, number at work, some first They didn’t know about Grey’s history of bar names, most of them crossed out.” He sighed. fights or his family situation. In fact, nobody “No doctors.” knew anything much about him at all. Craning his head back, Hutch closed his Dark had fallen dark outside when the eyes and yawned. “Okay,” he said, stretching detectives compared notes again. The coffee the word into a near moan. He inspected his machine had long run dry and Starsky’s empty cup and stood up to head for the coffee stomach wasn’t the only one growling in maker. “Who you wanna talk to first?” protest anymore.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 177 “We’re missing something,” Starsky said, Hutch dialed the number, waited—and glaring at his notes as if they were to blame. thumped his forehead down on the desk when “How can two guys have so much in common he was put on hold. and then nothing at all to link them?” Hutch suppressed a yawn and lifted his ~oOo~ hands in a helpless gesture. “A lot of folks have that stuff in common, Starsk. Maybe Being this hungry had an interesting effect we’re not seeing the forest for the trees.” on Starsky. Because he had experienced the “Or maybe we’re not seeing the trees feeling in just a very few, very special because of the forest,” Starsky pointed out. situations, it reminded him of danger closing Hutch thought about it, frowning, and in. Hunger, this kind of hunger, meant that shook his head. “Yeah. Or maybe we both need something was badly wrong. some sleep.” His stomach growled. “And He had never understood how Hutch could dinner,” he added. “’Kay, how about we call it choose to not eat. And for days, too. And he a day, leave the rest for tomorrow and go grab found it very hard to believe his friend’s claims that he didn’t even get hungry during his fasts, some food? My treat, your choice.” and that it had healing, cleansing effects, Starsky smiled, knowing full well the offer leaving him calm and ‘balanced’. was made out of worry. He shook his head. Balanced.... “Nah, thanks, Blintz, but no thanks. I’m beat. Starsky loved his partner dearly, but when Think I’m gonna hit the hay early tonight. But it came to his eating habits, Hutch was just not maybe you can give me a rain check—” normal. Humans needed to eat, end of story. “One time chance, partner,” Hutch said, yet And not only to survive, but to function. To his voice softened as he took in his friend’s feel okay. To be okay again. To move on. To exhausted appearance, the evident smudges find some comfort. To have something to do under his eyes, the band-aid covering the gash when they couldn’t sleep. on his forehead. “So how about you?” he Frustrated, Starsky let his fridge door fall asked. “Think you’ll be able to get some sleep shut again and rested his forehead against it. now?” His eyes burned. He closed them, his heart “Yeah,” Starsky replied, no second racing, a loud, whooshing sound filling his thoughts. “Don’t worry ’bout me, I’m fine. ears, like when you pressed a shell to them. Officer Weird said so,” he added with a wink. Sleep tried to seduce him and drag him into Hutch acknowledged the lame joke with a slumber, promising rest, but it was a lie. quick grin, but it didn’t deter him. “I could stay His head hurt, his stomach hurt, and he another night,” he offered. couldn’t deny being scared any longer. Scared Starsky stood and grabbed his jacket. “I’ll of the time that wouldn’t pass fast enough, that pick you up tomorrow,” he said. “Did you tell passed too fast, the hours flying by like clouds them to release my car while you were on a windy day. Six hours left to sleep. Five. downstairs?” Four. If only it’d be light outside already, and “Uh...” Hutch mumbled, his face going if only he could go pick up Hutch, see if Hutch blank. was okay, see Hutch, not be alone anymore, “Great,” Starsky replied, picked up Hutch’s tell Hutch about it. phone and shoved the receiver into his hand. But then, he couldn’t tell Hutch about it. “Here. I’m on my way. Tell them.” With that He’d been so hungry all day, and it had been he turned, waving without looking back again. such a temptation to accept Hutch’s offer of “Nite, Blintz.” having dinner together, yet what if the same

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thing that happened when he’d tried to eat the He had slept. And once the heavy blanket sandwich earlier happened again in front of of drugs lifted from his system, he’d be as Hutch? Hutch felt so bad already, crushed and good as new, relaxed, rested, functioning. That scared and disturbed by whatever crap Galesko was some comfort, wasn’t it? Besides, thanks had planted in his mind. Starsky couldn’t to the dull numbness the pills had left behind, burden him with any more problems. Quite the he didn’t feel hunger as badly. contrary, if he wanted Hutch to open up and let That was something else he needed to work go of that confused fear that Ben Forest always out. caused, Starsky had to be the strong one this He opened the door at Hutch’s place and let time and be there for his friend. But it wasn’t it fall shut behind him. He rubbed his eyes easy when you were going crazy from lack of hard, determined to clear his vision of the fog sleep and nagging hunger. clinging to it. He couldn’t let Hutch see that. Besides, “Man!” Hutch’s voice greeted him from what could Hutch do about it? This was inside the apartment. Starsky blinked his eyes entirely Starsky’s fear. Unnerving, irrational open and saw his friend smoothing a T-shirt fear. He knew Hutch was safe. Nothing would he’d obviously just dragged over his head, happen if he ate something, if he fell asleep. leaving stray blond hairs sticking out at odd Nothing but that his over-fatigued mind would angles. “Good morning to you, Gordo. Give a calm down, the pain in his stomach would man a heart attack!” stop. “What?” Starsky replied casually, strolling He sighed, close to weeping. Interesting into the kitchen. “I told you I’d pick you up how extreme an adult’s reaction was when this morning.” their most basic needs were not met. He was “Okay, but next time, please let me know you plan on busting in without knocking, reacting like a child. He shivered and pushed yeah?” away from the fridge. His shoulders drew up Starsky rolled his eyes and opened the and he dragged his bathrobe tighter over his fridge out of habit. Behind him, Hutch bent pajamas. down and picked up a shirt from off the floor. There on the breakfast counter laid the few He picked it up, frowned and threw it back sleeping pills Audrey had left him. He didn’t down. He turned to join his partner in the have to think twice. He dry-swallowed two of kitchen, heading for the coffee maker. While them. he helped himself to a cup, he stole a quick sideglance at Starsky. ~oOo~ “Got any sleep? You look better.” “Yeah,” Starsky smiled at him, fridge door The alarm had ripped him from a dreamless still in hand. “Slept like a baby. I told you it’ll slumber. He couldn’t believe it was morning pass.” already. He had stumbled out of bed, thinking “That’s great,” Hutch said, downing his that what the world needed was pills to counter first cup of coffee, turning for the blender. the effects of pills. Or something like pure Starsky took an exaggerated step away, but not caffeine in a capsule. Or in a syringe. so far that he wasn’t able to keep looking into Starsky squinted his eyes at the road. He the fridge. was on his way to Venice Place, and he’d have Hutch rolled his eyes. “You know, Starsk, taken any of those things to feel more alert. there’s a cheaper way of warming the beer. But at least he had slept. Deep and sound, for Grab something or don’t, but close my long, long hours, undisturbed, unhindered. refrigerator, please.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 179 Starsky snorted. “Not like there’s much in outside. “I mean, I hope it’s just your system here to grab, is there? You’re one to talk, catching up with the deprivation, otherwise we complaining about me having no groceries.” should probably consider that Dobey’s Taking an aluminum foil covered plate from contagious.” the fridge, he closed the door and sat down at “What was that?” the table. He leaned back, keeping his distance Hutch jumped at a booming voice from from the plate, and peeled off the covering. behind him. He blushed a faint pink, and Busy throwing the contents of his morning Starsky swallowed a laugh behind Dobey’s shake into the blender, Hutch replied, “I do back as the Captain towered over the blond. have groceries, just not in the fridge. Just “Uh, nothing...nothing,” Hutch stuttered, because you think the fridge is the heart of the working up a nervous smile. “G’morning, house doesn’t mean everyone does.” Captain. Ah...any, uh, any news? I mean “I don’t think that. Everyone knows the concerning our case?” heart of a house is the TV. Uhm, Hutch?” He “Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” Dobey waited until the blond looked, then pointed at countered, unaware of Starsky’s imitation the plate that bore red and green pasta. “What’s behind him. this?” “Oh. Yeah, yeah, course it is. Course. Well, A shadow crossed Hutch’s features and he no, sir, no news.” Hutch shrugged and hurried answered, “Audrey left it.” With a shrug, he past his superior toward his desk. “As soon as turned again. “Just throw it away, I’m sure I there is, though...” he added, trailing off, and have some of your junky cereal around here.” sank into his chair. But Starsky had already dug in the utensil Starsky shook his head and looked at the drawer. He sniffed tentatively at a forkful. Captain with an amused grin. “Good morning, “Smells okay,” he announced. Cap.” Hutch all but whirled around. “Aw, no, Dobey glared at him and left the room. don’t tell me you’re...” He watched his partner Starsky glanced at his partner, who was in chew and swallow, then nod appreciatively. the process of turning back to his normal color, Hutch scrunched his face. “Yuck. Starsk, and grinned. “Running into you is like a c’mon, that stuff has been sitting in there for prescription that cures morning grumpiness, days. And even fresh it would still be cold Blintz, d’you know that? I mean, look at our pasta. Made by Audrey. That’s bad to begin Cap now—man walked outta here like a ray of with.” sunshine.” He winked. “I think it’s okay,” Starsky answered “Aw, shut up,” Hutch muttered, rubbed his around a mouthful. The pile on the plate was face and stood, heading for coffee. “What’s vanishing fast. Too fast even for Starsky to that?” he asked, pointing his chin at a plastic realize he had no problems at all getting the bag on Starsky’s desk as he passed. food down. When it suddenly hit him, he Picking it up, Starsky shrugged, ripped it blinked, surprised, then swallowed the last bit. open and only then read the tag. “Oh. Lab “What was that about my cereal?” stuff. Seems they didn’t include the contents of Grey’s pockets in the box yesterday...uh.” He ~oOo~ frowned. “What?” Hutch asked, putting a steaming “I can’t believe you ate all that,” Hutch still cup in front of his partner marveled as they entered the squad room, “This is both Grey’s and Barton’s stuff.” Starsky leading the way and chewing happily Hutch’s face fell. “You gotta be kidding.” on a chocolate bar from the vending machine “Nope.”

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“Great.” He picked up a gray pocket told both his son and his ex-lover that he was calendar from the small heap. “You know this trying to change, work on himself.” is all your fault, Starsky, don’t you?” They exchanged a glance. “I guess,” “Huh?” Starsky said and drew the other card to him, “Well, I’d have called Cheryl back.” “Grey just didn’t have anyone to tell, or Starsky just rolled his eyes. anyone we know about, anyway.” “Okay,” Hutch sighed, searching his desk Hutch nodded in slow motion, gaze for the numbers he’d gotten from the notepad focused on the card. “A self-help group,” he he’d left. “Let’s compare the handwriting, muttered and looked up again. “They meet then. What d’we got?” tonight.” “Change yourself to change the world.” “Yeah,” Starsky said. “Y’know, my uncle “What?” Hutch asked, confused, and Stan ran a self-help group.” looked at his partner holding up a small “What for?” Hutch asked. “For people with information card. Bold black letters covered names out of a comic book? Stan Starsky?” the bright background like warning shouts. “I know,” Starsky said. “To make matters “Change yourself to change the world,” worse, his nickname was Sippo. But anyway, Starsky repeated and handed the card over to he had this group for phobia sufferers. Some of Hutch. “It’s a self-help group for men who ’em were pretty strange. Man, I loved hanging ‘suffer from their own temper.’” Imitating around there when I was a kid.” quotation marks with his fingers, he put extra Hutch just stared at him. “Sippo?” he emphasis on the last words. “Says that they can repeated. help you cope with hating yourself. Y’know, “Did you know there are people out there for abusive fathers, husbands, stuff like that.” who’re scared of words starting with an x? “Makes sense,” Hutch said, inspecting the Think about how that limits your life.” card. “Whose is it?” “I’d rather not. So—seven o’clock tonight, “That,” Starsky replied in a tone of voice St. Mary’s. You get the okay from Dobey,” that made his partner look up at a second, Hutch added. identical card Starsky held, “is the twenty “Hey! Why me?” thousand dollar question.” “Because I don’t want to listen to any more “Whoever had one could have two,” Hutch self-help group stories,” Hutch explained and pointed out. smiled. “Okay,” Starsky replied and put the card down, then took the other one out of Hutch’s ~oOo~ hands to place next to it. “We’re both sure it’s the same killer, aren’t we?” Was there anything more boring than “Yes.” talking Dobey into an undercover assignment “’Kay. So what similarities d’we have? in a self help group? But after that Dobey Grey was ten years younger than Barton, he wanted to talk about the case again, and Hutch was an alcoholic, he was physically impulsive, had had to join Starsky and the captain in his lower social status.” He lifted his brows at his office after all. partner, waiting. The autopsies revealed that the killer had “Barton was a traditionalist,” Hutch said. shot the two men repeatedly, and that many of “Was probably beaten himself as a kid, didn’t the wounds were non-lethal, located in their drink, didn’t go to bars, hit only people he felt arms and legs. They’d both lived to suffer he had authority over.” He paused, then slowly agony before the killing shots put an end their drew one card to his side of the desk. “And he suffering. Obviously, the killer was expressing

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 181 massive anger at the victims or what they rabbit trying to escape. He grasped his chest, represented. closed his eyes for a deep breath. What Grey and Barton had had in common “Hutch,” he muttered. “Home.” was loneliness and the need to change. The He left the house early. need for help. What a cruel irony if that was the cause of their deaths. ~oOo~ Starsky looked forward to the assignment that night. Anything that meant doing If so many men are determined to change something. Action. He sighed. themselves and change the world, it’s a It was nearly six o’clock, and he and Hutch miracle the world’s still in the shape it is, had separated a couple of hours ago. He’d Hutch thought with no small amount of driven home with his stomach informing him it sarcasm. He was in a large yellow room, was empty again, the welcomed morning meal watching as at least two dozen men of varying long gone. At home, though, he found he ages stood around in small groups, carrying couldn’t eat. Panic returned, and along with it plastic cups of coffee, smoking, chatting. the fear of breaking rules that no longer Others sat alone on one of the chairs arranged existed. in a circle, either staring ahead into He’d bought himself Chinese take-out and nothingness or scanning the room. Those were just could not eat it. It was ridiculous. He obviously the newer members, and only among couldn’t tear his eyes away from the boxes of them could you see a few with no nametags. food, as if their mere presence in his apartment Those were the ones that probably would not was evil. Bile rose in his throat when he return. thought about tasting it. Food meant death. True to his make-believe character, Hutch He shivered. His head ached. He checked headed straight for the coffee bar, trying to his watch and forced himself to turn away from appear withdrawn and unsure. Once he had a the contaminated kitchen table toward the cup of coffee in his hands, he acted as though he’d just discovered the pen and blank couch. He plopped down and stared angrily at nametags by the coffee machine. He acted the ceiling. God, how he hated all of this, hated hesitant, then scribbled a name on the tag and the mess he’d become. He’d been abducted, put it on his shirt. okay, but that was over now. Why couldn’t his Even before he turned back to the room, his body understand that? He’d been abducted ears informed him that Starsky was there, before, so why the extreme reaction this time talking to two older men. He searched for his around? partner and saw him standing in the middle of Simon. Simon. the room, fumbling with an empty cup. At the He could still hear their voices, the sight of the name tag—Stan—Hutch rolled his chanting inside his head. He still heard them at eyes and then jumped when someone touched night sometimes. But he felt safe from them. his shoulder. It wasn’t Anne Galesko that Starsky feared, “Hello,” a tall, black-haired man said as he but whatever this was, he didn’t feel safe from passed by, giving Hutch a friendly smile. He it. He felt ice cold and afraid. moved on, greeting others. Hutch watched him. He gasped, bolted upright on the couch, Probably the group leader. wild eyes flying around the calming, familiar When he’d reached the center of grouped surroundings. He glanced at his watch. Two chairs, he cleared his throat, announcing, minutes. He’d dozed off for two lousy minutes. “Welcome. I think we can start now. Please, His heart hammered in his chest, like a scared everybody, have a seat.”

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General shuffling as each man looked for a Most of the men gave their names and chair, gave each other embarrassed smiles and talked about specific incidents in their past. sat down, averting their eyes from their Some kept their silence completely. Only a neighbors. In the end, they all focused on the handful told full stories like Norman’s. Those group leader, whose ever-present friendly started with “I’ve spoken in this circle of smile widened as he nodded to some of them friends before,” and were applauded after their individually. detailed stories. “Well,” the group leader said, sitting down Then it was Starsky’s turn. “Hi, I’m Stan, himself, “I see a lot of new faces, a lot of and I’m here because someone said it might be familiar ones,” and he nodded at a few more a good idea.” He smiled nervously. “I’m not so attendees who smiled and even waved. “As sure, but, hey, ’m gonna give it a try, I guess.” always, we’re going to start by introducing Fortunately, Hutch didn’t need to hide his ourselves. For those who are new here, tell us surprise, as most of the others were looking your name and whatever else you choose to let puzzled. For the first time Norman interrupted, us know about yourself. It’s not a requirement, asking, “Someone told you about this group, though. I know it can be difficult the first time. Stan?” So if you don’t feel ready, just watch. It’s like “Yeah,” Starsky replied, “a friend of mine. the song says, ‘stroll around the ground—’” His name is Charles. He’s not here today, but ‘“Mrs. Robinson,’” a few others muttered he told me the meetings have done him a lot of and chuckled. good.” Hutch saw Starsky grin. Hutch’s eyes flashed around, catching “Right,” the speaker nodded with a smile. reactions. Good tactic, partner, he thought. ‘“Until you feel at home.’ No one here will Starsky’s bold, intuitive way of tackling judge you. We’re all in the same boat, we all assignments was sometimes risky but often want to change, we’ve all had our share of useful. mistakes.” He paused. “Now, I’m going to A few men obviously knew Charles. Some start. My name is Norman Sennett, former looked around as if checking for his presence. homeless criminal, before that a stock broker, Others just nodded at Starsky’s words. and now studying to become a psychiatrist.” “Do you want to tell us why Charles Some applauded. Hutch tilted his head to thought it a good idea for you to come here, one side, trying to imagine the calm, smiling middle-aged man that was Norman Sennett Stan?” Norman asked. living on the streets, robbing liquor stores or Starsky looked at him. “No,” he said after a doing anything other than smiling moment. understandingly. It wasn’t an easy task. Norman nodded, and it was the next man’s Norman spoke some more about himself, turn. his history of domestic violence, and made A few minutes later, Hutch muttered the sure to point out that his own violent childhood name he’d written on his nametag and averted was no excuse for abusing others. He spoke of his eyes. There were no questions directed at his divorce, the kids he’d only started seeing him. again a few years ago. Then he nodded to his When the introduction was over, Norman right, and his very young looking neighbor asked if someone wanted to be ‘the center’ muttered his first name, paused, said he’d hit tonight. To his obvious surprise, the man his baby daughter. It looked as if the man sitting next to him raised his hand, though he considered saying more, but in the end he didn’t look up. shrugged and bowed his head. After half a “Joe,” Norman said, his voice friendly. minute Norman nodded to the next man. “That’s great. Please, sit down in the center.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 183 Everybody applauded as Joe dragged his down again. Joe sniffed and rubbed at his red- chair into the center of the circle and faced rimmed eyes. Norman. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, Joe,” What followed reminded Hutch of an Norman said, and he waited until Joe nodded interrogation. Though Norman’s friendly, and looked at him. “Do you want to tell us understanding tone never changed, the more?” questions he asked Joe were direct and allowed “I gave her to my Mom,” Joe said. “I don’t no room to hide. know if I should get her back.” Pleading eyes “Why did you hit your baby, Joe?” locked with Norman’s. “I’ll never hit her “B-because she was...she was screaming.” again.” “She was getting on your nerves.” Norman smiled gently. “Joe, it’s your Joe nodded. decision. But you’re not alone.” He looked “Have you ever hit her before when she around. “No one’s alone here, unless you screamed, Joe?” choose to be.” Joe shook his bowed head. He sniffed. Others began asking Joe questions or Norman waited, eyes never leaving the making comments. It was impressive, how huddled young man. “Your wife used to take everyone managed to share their own care of her, didn’t she?” experiences but still keep Joe’s story as the “Yeah.” primary focus. ‘The center’ was obviously no “But where is your wife now, Joe?” exaggeration. Hutch himself kept his silence, Joe was silent. contrary to his partner. “Joe. Where is your wife now? Why isn’t “Joe,” Starsky asked, “what’s your she taking care of your baby?” When there was daughter’s name?” no answer, Norman asked again, “Joe? Where Joe frowned at him. “What?” is your wife? Where is she? Is she coming “You never call her by her name,” another home?” man who was sitting next to Starsky pointed That last question obviously hit a nerve, out. His name tag read Clyde, and he looked because Joe’s head flew up. “No!” he yelled, even younger than Joe. “Why?” eyes sparkling with fury. “No, she’s not Starsky cast him a surprised glance, then coming home! Never again! She left me! She focused on Joe again, who shrugged, confused. left me, because of...b-because of...because of “I don’t know.” her!” His voice slipped into a high-pitched sob. “Well, what is her name?” Clyde asked. “Because she couldn’t bear the screaming Hutch exchanged a glance with Starsky. anymore, the smell, the...the...oh God.” He let “Ella,” Joe answered. “Her name is Ella his face fall into his hands and was crying in Kimberly.” earnest now. “She’s just a little girl. She’s my “That’s a beautiful name,” Clyde said. daughter. It’s not her fault. It’s not her fault.” “Thanks,” Joe said, not looking at the other When his mantra changed into a desperate man. whimpering, Norman kneeled next to the chair Near the end of the meeting, Norman said, and took the crying man into his arms. “I believe little Ella will forgive you if you let “No, it’s not,” he said. “It’s not the baby’s her, Joe.” fault. And it’s not her fault that your wife left A few yeah’s were spoken, and some you both. It’s your fault.” nodded agreement. Hutch caught Clyde’s Joe cried into the offered shoulder and smirk. clung to Norman, looking like a lost kid. When he pushed away, Norman let him go and sat ~oOo~

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Hutch was the first to leave. He and “Oh, and he said that after they’d been ‘center’, Starsky had agreed to meet at Venice Place to like Joe was today, they’re more likely to keep exchange impressions. He was already sitting coming back. It’s seen as a huge step. They in the green house nursing a beer when Starsky feel more a part of the group, then, more entered. Hutch passed him a bottle. secure, stuff like that.” “Boy, I think I hate self-help groups,” “That’s strange,” Hutch said, taking a sip Starsky said, sinking heavily into a chair. “Can of his beer. “After that I’d never come back.” you believe those guys? I bet none of them “Yeah, well, that’s what Charles did,” ever apologized to the ones who really Starsky said. “Charles was ‘center’ the last suffered. But you know, I felt for Joe, though.” time.” “Yeah,” Hutch nodded. “I know.” “We need to check the group members “He’s like, what, twenty-four?” Starsky out,” Hutch said and sighed, rubbed a hand continued, shaking his head. He wrinkled his over his forehead. forehead in disbelief. “And that’s supposed to “I don’t see how,” Starsky replied. Lifting help him? A bunch of old-timers watching him his beer, he stopped in mid-motion. “Audrey’s break down?” plant?” he read the inscription on the plant pot Hutch shrugged. “Do you remember what and glanced at his friend, who blushed and the guy next to you said about why he was averted his eyes. there? Clyde?” “That’s...that’s an inside joke,” Hutch “He didn’t,” Starsky replied. “He just said mumbled. his name. I was surprised to see someone there “Oh. Okay.” For a long moment, Starsky who looks as young as he does. He looks even just watched his partner, worry coloring a gaze younger than Joe.” that Hutch wouldn’t meet. He decided to let it “I know. And,” Hutch added, exchanging a be for now, and returned to business talk. “We serious glance with his partner, “he reacted the way we would. Asked the same question you need to find out these guy’s last names asked.” He paused, pointed out, “He didn’t somehow without blowing our cover. What do seem very guilt-ridden to me.” you think of Norman?” “No, you’re right. I spoke to Norman after “Well, he’s the only one we can run a full you’d left, asked him about our old pal Charlie, check on, but I just don’t think he’s our killer.” and he asked a couple of guys if they knew “Nah, me neither.” Starsky finished his where he was. Clyde is one of the guys beer, checked his watch and leaned back in the Norman asked. He’s apparently been in the chair. Hutch watched him, tilting his head to group for awhile, and he knew Charles. one side. Nobody said they’d seen him.” “What?” Hutch pursed his lips. “Good thinking. “You look tired.” Anything else?” “Oh.” Starsky waved. “I’m okay. I’m just Starsky shrugged. “Just that Norman says a thinking about how much fun I’m having with lot of the guys stay for a couple of meetings this case. Tomorrow’s gonna be another nice and then vanish. They don’t exchange numbers day at the office.” or anything, and Norman doesn’t keep records Hutch smiled. “Yeah, a barrel of laughs, of their personal information as a matter of smart guy. You know, Starsk, Sherlock privacy. It encourages the men to come Holmes was never involved in a single car forward, he says. He has no way of contacting chase during his whole career.” them, or knowing what becomes of them.” He “Well at least he died falling down a cliff. snapped his fingers, hit by a sudden thought. And came back. Now that’s action. All I’m

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 185 facing right now is the prospect of going blind “Huh?” from staring at paperwork all day.” “‘Maybe that’s what makes him angry,’” Chuckling, Hutch stood to get more beer Hutch repeated. “That’s it! Think about it. from the kitchen and patted his friend’s Whoever is ‘center’ gets all the attention, shoulder as he passed by. “You’ll see plenty of comfort, Norman lets them defend themselves, action again, once we break this one open, lets them tell everyone how bad they had it, buddy. Lots of opportunities out there in the how unfair life treated them, etc. ” world to wreck your car and break our necks Starsky followed his trail of thoughts and and get yourself shot. I promise.” nodded. “And when our killer listens to that Starsky craned his head back to look after crap...” his partner. “I’ll hold you to it, Blintz.” “He snaps,” Hutch finished. “All he has to “You do that,” Hutch called back over the do then is follow them home.” He lifted his sound of the fridge door opening, then closing. hands. “Easy.” Starsky shook his head, amused, and “If that’s true...” Starsky said after a glanced at the inside joke in a pot again. He moment’s thought, and Hutch once more spotted a thin pile of papers lying on the table, finished the sentence. half hidden behind the plant. Curious, he “...we’ve got to find Joe.” grabbed them and found maybe twenty or They were both out of their seats in a thirty pages clipped together. Flipping through heartbeat. it, he frowned. It was a short story. ~oOo~ Ice cold hit his stomach like a blow. Hastily, he looked at the front page. “I don’t believe it,” Starsky exclaimed four By Anne Galesko. hours later. Pushing away from his desk with “Know what I don’t get?” his chair, he swung his feet up to rest on the Jumping at Hutch’s voice from behind him, surface. “How hard can it be to find a single Starsky stashed the story into his pocket, trying father in his twenties in this city named Joe?” his best to wipe the anxiety off his face. “N- “Are you kidding me?” Hutch said, not no...” He cleared his throat, watched Hutch sit bothering to look up from his share of down. “No, what?” printouts. He glanced into his empty cup. “Get Fortunately, Hutch hadn’t looked directly back to work.” at his friend when he’d put the bottles down. Starsky glared at him. “You know, I just “We think the killer wants to punish his thought of something else Sherlock Holmes victims for their crimes, right?” never did during his career. Go through lists of “Right.” Joes! This is ridiculous!” Exasperated, he grabbed a handful of pages and waved them at “Yeah, but why do it to people who want to his partner. “It could be Joe’s not even his real change? If he really is going to the meetings, name. Or maybe he’s not living in the county. he must’ve heard Grey’s and Barton’s version Maybe his daughter doesn’t have his name, of it all.” maybe he isn’t married at all, maybe we’re Starsky shrugged. “Maybe that’s what wasting our time, maybe—” makes him angry.” He couldn’t concentrate, as “Maybe you tell me what else we can do, if the story struggled inside his pocket, hoping Starsky!” Hutch snapped. Hutch would discover it missing from the Starsky fell silent. table. “Face it,” he added after a moment, “we’ve To his surprise, Hutch’s head turned to got to find this guy or pray our theory’s wrong, him, sky blue eyes widening. “What did you which in return will leave us as much in the say?” dark as before. Unless you have a better idea?”

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Brows lifted, he waited in mock expectation, “Candy.” Starsky plugged money into the then raised his hands and shrugged. He focused vending machine in the hall. again on his own list, but a minute later he “Starsky, it’s two in the morning.” threw it down in disgust. He sighed and “One,” Starsky corrected, munching. dropped his face into his hands. “Aw, shit, “How can you eat chocolate at two in the who’re we trying to kid here, huh?” The morning?” detectives locked eyes. “One,” Starsky stoically repeated, then Hutch leaned back. “Okay, listen, we’ve shrugged. “Might come as a shock to you, got Joe’s description out there with every unit. Blintz, but it doesn’t taste different at night.” So far, at least, the killer has always let some Hutch rolled his eyes and waved a tired time pass after a group meeting before version of his warning finger at his partner. someone dies. Tomorrow we can check the “Y’know, that stuff’s going to kill you, pal.” stores, bars, everything. But it’s what, two “Oh yeah,” Starsky nodded gravely, balling o’clock now?” up the candy wrapper in one hand and tossing Starsky lifted his index finger to indicate it in a nearby wastebasket with a perfect three- the correct time. point throw. He grinned at Hutch. “In sixty “We’re both beat,” Hutch continued, years. Once you’re too old to chew, there’s yawning. “I say we go get some rest.” always the danger of choking.” He winked. “Know what I think?” Starsky asked. “I’m sure by then they’ll have invented “Hm?” intravenous chocolate drips,” Hutch assured. “I think self-help groups should be required He held the door for Starsky, who made a face by law to keep records of their members.” as he walked through. “Brilliant thought, buddy. Only it undermines the basic idea of self-help groups.” ~oOo~ Starsky waved his hand dismissively. “You want the government into everything Audrey’s plant was losing leaves. Not you do? What about freedom?” Hutch asked in many and not suddenly, but it seemed to Hutch surprised disgust. as if the plant huddled in a corner, trying to be Starsky pushed his feet off the desk to sit unobtrusive. Sad. Maybe heart-broken. up straight. “Hutch, we’re part of the Hutch rolled his eyes. “Aw, shuddup, government. All we’re trying to do is save that you’re just a plant! Wait ’til you have kid’s life. Right now, he has the freedom to get relationships. See how great you manage!” killed within the next few days. Assuming we The plant didn’t bother to reply, but sat in find him in time, why don’t you ask him for his accusing silence. Hutch almost felt its sad gaze opinion? I think I know what his answer will piercing his back as he watered the other be.” inhabitants of his little jungle. Just like his Hutch smiled unwillingly and stretched his grandfather’s huge old dog, who’d puppy-eye aching neck. “We’re on the same side, Gordo. you to death whenever he was refused You’re just talking nonsense, as usual. Ready something. to call it a night?” He got to his feet and looked Hutch shook his head and yawned. Way impatiently at Starsky. too little sleep, that was what got you thinking Starsky shrugged tiredly and followed. about crazy stuff like plants staring at you. “Might as well.” Patting his pockets, he opened It was late morning actually, sun long up, the door for Hutch. “Hey, lend me a dime?” but Hutch had overslept, and since neither his “What for?” Hutch asked, handing him a captain nor his partner had called to yell or coin. tease, he decided to take his time. Maybe not

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 187 enough to jog, but he could at least water his Puzzled, Hutch glanced up at his friend. plants. “As a writer,” Starsky explained dryly. Well...and Audrey’s. “Oh. Yeah.” Funny. Now that Audrey was safe just as Another pause. “So why’re you starting a he’d wanted, he was still unhappy. He picked private collection?” up his coffee from the breakfast counter and “Starsk...” Hutch muttered, head lowered turned to lean against it, looking out over his again. apartment. He missed Audrey in it, but he also “No, I’d really like to know. How often realized that up until that moment he hadn’t have you read this...thing already?” missed her. Things had just turned back to a Hutch didn’t answer. He watched his pre-Audrey state. But then, they usually did, coffee grow cold. didn’t they? “It’s not doing you any good, and it doesn’t A knock at the door took him out of his make any sense,” Starsky continued, his tone thoughts. Just in time, probably. His memory harsher. “What d’you expect to get from this might have carried him too far back in time for by going over it again and again? Watching it his liking. through her eyes? The story’s not about you, “It’s me.” you know that! It’s not even about the poor “Come in,” Hutch called, stretching to devil she did it to! It’s just about her!” produce a second mug from the drawer. His “I know that,” Hutch said when the partner closed the door and Hutch looked up. stillness got unbearable. He unclenched his He froze. “What’s wrong?” hands, noticing how tightly he’d wrapped his Starsky seemed to think about the question, hand around the coffee cup. then stepped into the kitchen and sat down on “Then what is it?” Starsky asked, gentle the corner of the table. He looked pale and again. “What is it about this woman that’s worn. getting to you so much?” “Hey, buddy, are you okay?” Hutch asked, “She knows me.” Hutch shrugged his voice softening. “’Nother rough night? helplessly. “I-I-I don’t know,” he replied, What...” Starsky drew a rolled bunch of paper suddenly anxious, and flashed his partner a from under his jacket. Hutch trailed off. His nervous smile. “I don’t know, Starsk. Maybe throat was dry all of a sudden. it’s just that anyone as crazy as her creeps me At last, Starsky met his eyes, and out. She’s one scary person.” immediately the two switched roles. Suddenly “I know, I met her.” it was Hutch who stared into his coffee, fingers A rueful smile crossed Hutch’s lips. He fumbling with the cup. Suddenly it was nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry.” Starsky’s voice that was concerned and soft There was no response, but the glance when he spoke. Starsky shot him made it clear that the apology “Found it in the green house last night.” was unnecessary. “You don’t have to be so Hutch nodded, but didn’t look at him. “Did scared of her.” you read it?” “I’m not scared!” Hutch snapped, the “What do you think? Yes, I read it.” intensity of his reaction surprising himself. An attempt at a smirk. “Lotsa déjà vu, Confused, he started to add something, but was huh?” cut off by the phone. He stood to pick it up. He A very long pause. Hutch felt the pain in listened, then hung up and turned to his Starsky’s face even with his gaze averted. partner. “Looks like they found Joe.” “You were right, she’s awful.” Starsky’s features hardened. “Dead?”

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Hutch nodded. “Just like the others. uncovered window without having flashbacks. Victim’s name is Joe Coolidge, and the Because he and Hutch rarely left the precinct, physical description fits our Joe.” he lived off vending machine food. He couldn’t “Fuck.” eat at home. “We gotta get to the scene,” Hutch said, He was always cold, shivering, and he turning for the bedroom to get a jacket. couldn’t wear too many layers out of fear of “Yep.” Starsky nodded, waited for his alerting Hutch. His partner probably worried partner at the door. “After you, Dr. Watson.” enough about him already, because he couldn’t hide the shadows under the bloodshot eyes. He ~oOo~ needed sleep. It was the night before the next group The night before they discovered Joe meeting. Two AM. He was supposed to pick Coolidge’s body, Starsky had run out of up Hutch at ten. Starsky huddled in front of sleeping pills. The next night, he tried sleeping some old western in his usual bundle of without any pills and in the end found himself blankets, not even watching the show. Just to buying a box of over-the-counter sleeping pills have the noise. When he nodded off and jerked at the drug store. back awake, the noise helped him return to Those hadn’t worked. reality sooner. The next meeting of the self-help group His head hurt. His eyes hurt. His stomach was in five days, and they had until then to growled. He was cold. He was at home, and work out a strategy. he’d brought his cell with him. “I always liked being the center,” Starsky He rubbed his eyes, trying to relieve the joked. They were in Dobey’s office, talking burning feeling. An idea hit him. He stared at over the details. It was a very simple plan. the TV screen. He had slept a few nights, “Why him?” Dobey asked, jerking his hadn’t he? thumb over at Starsky. Hutch grinned at his partner’s indignant look. He was outside and in his car in an instant. Hutch shrugged. “We tossed a coin and he got to be the extroverted one.” ~oOo~ Dobey left it at that. “Well, you two be careful, you hear?” Audrey had cried when it become clear Next, the detectives tried another hopeless Ken wouldn’t call her. Not in the next few search, this time for Clyde, but the results had days, not ever. She had cried because it’d been been as frustrating as before. Hutch had so humiliating to be shut out that way. Because suggested running Clyde’s name through the she had been so afraid of him backing out from children’s welfare department records in case the very start, and then he had managed to there was a record of abuse with them, but convince her he wouldn’t. And because she nothing turned up. missed him. He had never said “I love you”— The days passed slowly. They patrolled, which was another fact to cry about—but she worked on what little they had in the hopes knew it had been there, love. They had been they’d turn something new up. The nights saw there. Starsky lying awake, afraid to let go of But then...after the tears had dried, there consciousness. If anything, his “condition”— had been another emotion slowly crawling into though he hated to think of it that way—had her mind from her heart, gnawing tiny holes worsened. Not only couldn’t he sleep, but now into the wall of frustrated sadness and hurt. he couldn’t be alone in a room with an Relief.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 189 She was relieved that she wasn’t part of “Please,” Starsky added after a short Ken Hutchinson’s life. She had loved being silence. “We have this assignment tomorrow, with him, she still loved him, but what she had and...and I need to...function.” It was obvious seen scared her immensely. The way he took how difficult pleading with her was for him. care of his partner, the way they both appeared “Dave—” so...used to it. Used to getting hurt, seeing each “The only stuff that helped was what you other get hurt. And hurt in that way too. gave me. Don’t tell me you can’t prescribe Purposely. Planned. that.” Getting shot at, now that was something Audrey gave him a serious look. “You Audrey expected in a cop’s life. Fights, yes. could go to a doctor about this. Get a real Hospital stays, okay. Maybe even a hostage prescription.” situation, stuff that might leave psychological He smiled. “You’re a doctor.” scars as well. “You know what I mean.” But Ken’s partner had been kidnapped by “Audrey, please. Just this once. I’ve got someone wanting to take revenge. On Ken! important work to do on a case tomorrow, and The whole situation was insane. She didn’t I need to sleep,” he added with desperate want scars in her life and in her mind from emphasis. insanity like that. “And after this case?” she asked, tilting her All those realizations were relatively fresh head to one side, inspecting him through when she stepped into one of the waiting narrowed eyes. “What will you do then?” rooms at Memorial that night. A colleague had He sighed. “It’ll pass.” told her a patient wanted to see her about his “How can you be so sure of that?” son, said the guy looked pretty worn out. “Bad things pass.” Probably just needed assurances from the It was said in such a charming mixture of boy’s doctors. Audrey nodded and headed for innocence and street wisdom that she just had the room, trying to think which patient of hers to laugh. “I don’t know, Dave. I don’t feel might have parents there in the middle of the good about it. Does Ken know you’re still night. affected to this degree?” The moment she opened the door, her “Yeah.” friendly smile faded into disbelief. “Dave?” She threw him a disbelieving look. “I’d Dave Starsky stood in the middle of the really rather talk to him abou—” room, a nervous smile greeting her. He indeed “Damn it, I’m not a kid, Audrey!” Starsky looked worn out, though not as bad as the last cut her off. “Just tell me if you wanna help me time she’d seen him. or not!” “Hi Audrey. Hope I didn’t interrupt For a long moment, she just looked at him, anything important. I called, they said you then turned for the door. “Stay here.” were on duty tonight, so...” When she returned, she waved a small “Uh...no,” she replied. “No, course not. No. white box. “Lucky you, I found the last of the What’re you doing here? Did something samples.” happen to Ken?” “Lucky me,” he smiled. Starsky smiled. “No, don’t worry. Hutch is She handed him the box, but didn’t let go fine. It’s, uh...it’s about me. I’m...” he scratched of it until he met her eyes. “Don’t O.D. his forehead nervously. “I-I’m...I need something yourself.” to help me sleep.” “I just wanna sleep,” he replied, shoving it Her confusion vanished, and she arched her into his pocket. “Thank you.” brows with a sigh. “Don’t mention it,” she said.

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Tension sprung up in the following silence. time. Again, the young man just said his name. Starsky cleared his throat, Audrey scratched Hutch did the same, and Starsky exchanged a her head. It was the silence of those who glance with Norman and then shakily stated, needed but didn’t want to talk. “Hi, I’m Stan, and, uh, I just lost my family.” “So how’re you doing?” he finally asked. He smiled without humor, shrugged curtly. She shrugged. “Okay.” “Guess I deserved it too.” “I’m really sorry for what happened,” he Hutch was impressed. He tried to make eye said sincerely. contact with his friend a few times, but for the She looked up, met a gentle, somewhat sad rest of the introduction Starsky stared down at look. “Don’t be, it’s not your fault,” she said, his folded hands. paused and added, “Y’know what I always “Stan came to me earlier,” Norman said hated? That he kept his key over his door.” when everyone was done, “and asked if he Starsky grinned. could be ‘center’ today, even though it’s only “I mean,” she continued, “if you have your his second time with us here. Now, I believe key over the door all the time, anyway, that to choose to be ‘center’ is an act of great then...then you can’t give it to someone. You courage, and there are no guidelines that know?” determine readiness for that challenge. If Stan The grin faded. “Sometimes,” he said, very wants to do it, then I feel he’s ready. But we’re gravely, “it’s just bad timing, honey.” all in the circle, so does anyone disagree?” Surprised, she looked at him, then away. “I No one did. Most of the men smiled guess that’s true.” encouragingly at Starsky, and a few of the He looked as if he wanted to say something more experienced members applauded. else, but he headed for the door instead. “Well, doesn’t look like it,” Norman “Thanks again for...” he waggled his jacket smiled and gestured for Starsky to move to the pocket. center. “Please, Stan.” She nodded. Hutch watched, his eyes sliding over to “Bye, Audrey.” Clyde every now and then. “Goodbye, Dave.” Starsky continued proving his acting talents. He told the story he and Hutch had ~oOo~ come up with, something that would hold enough potential to enrage the killer, a story The circle of chairs was already half filled that involved alcohol, gambling, numerous when Hutch arrived at the meeting that night. affairs. A wife and a little girl and boy who Starsky and Norman Sennett stood in a corner “Stan” loved dearly, but who didn’t know how across from the door. When they’d formulated to shut up when they misbehaved. Or when he their plan, Starsky, Hutch and Dobey had was drunk. He loved them, but he couldn’t agreed to play it safe and have Starsky ask keep from hurting them. He didn’t know there Sennett personally to be ‘center’ before the were so many things that could make you hurt meeting started rather than wait until Norman the ones you loved. asked the whole group. From what Hutch That was the first sentence that made Hutch could see now, his partner was acting suitably do a double-take. nervous while making the request. “But you feel regret when you hurt your The meeting proceeded the same as last loved ones, don’t you, Stan?” Norman asked. time. Norman was all smiles and positive “Yes.” energy. Hutch saw a few new faces, and a few “Why do you think you still do it then?” missing. He paid special attention to Clyde this Norman asked.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 191 “I try not to.” “Yes they did, Stan,” Norman answered. That was the second sentence. Every Hutch couldn’t help thinking the line sounded muscle in Hutch’s body tensed as his inner incredibly hollow. “We all feel guilty for our alarm went off. Something was definitely crimes. Do you want to talk to us about what going on with Starsky and it wasn’t planned. they did to you?” He huddled on the chair, staring off into space. “Uh...no.” Hutch saw him trembling, shivering as if cold. Startled, Hutch stopped watching the other When had that started? members and their reactions and looked at “You try not to?” Norman repeated, Starsky. He was dismayed to see his partner friendly but determined. “But you still do, tense up. The question was a dangerous one. Stan, don’t you? You hurt the ones you claim Norman softened his smile. “But you know to love. You endanger them too, you know we’re all here to protect you, Stan. We that, don’t you?” understand.” Hutch tried his best to suppress his anxious Starsky blinked, frowned slightly. “Maybe frustration. For some reason Starsky was this wasn’t a good idea,” he muttered. It reacting in a way they hadn’t planned. sounded in character, but Hutch wondered. Speaking to him about how he endangered Norman watched in silence, then bent others was not helping. Pity that Norman forward on his chair, hands folded on his couldn’t know that. He was talking of the risks knees. “Stan, let’s talk about the guilt again.” for abused children. “You said,” Clyde said, to everyone’s “I’m trying,” Starsky mumbled. “I really surprise, “you ‘lost’ your family. But the truth am.” is they left you, isn’t it?” “We all believe you, Stan,” Norman said. Starsky nodded. To Hutch, he looked “I believe you. You want to keep away from visibly grateful for the shift of focus back to the stuff you know is bad for you, your family, the task at hand. Something about Norman for all of you, but it’s a pretty hard fight, isn’t Sennett’s gentle inquiries touched a raw spot, it?” but Clyde was easy to handle. Tired, Starsky rested his face in one hand. “Then why don’t you say so?” Clyde It looked as if he didn’t want to talk anymore. asked. “Stan?” Norman asked, suddenly concerned, “I don’t know.” and when no response came he repeated, “Stan, “Does it feel like you pushed them away?” do you need a break?” Clyde asked, eyes narrowed. “Hm?” Startled, Starsky lifted his head, Starsky watched him. Hutch saw clearly puzzled when he met Norman’s friendly smile. when an idea dawned on his partner. “No,” Hutch could see he barely caught himself from came the answer. searching for his partner. “Oh. No. No, thanks, “No?” Clyde repeated. “You don’t think I’m...I’m all right. It’s just...” he trailed off. it’s understandable that they left you after all “I know. Guilt can be a powerful enemy. you’ve done to them?” Like a disease.” “We could’ve worked it out,” Starsky Starsky raised his brows. “Don’t say.” But replied. “There are rules in life. I know I made he recovered, switching Stan’s character back mistakes,” he said, giving a fine performance on. “Nobody ever felt guilty for what they did and baiting Clyde perfectly, “but I’m willing to to me.” change. Now, what about her?” It was part of the plan to whine about ones Clyde was agitated, staring at his opponent. own horrible past. “Rules? Is that what your family’s home life

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was like? They had to follow rules you made Starsky spoke again. “There is a rule that says up?” ‘thou shalt not kill.’” He paused, exchanged a “Sure. Does that bother you, Clyde?” glance with his partner while Clyde lowered Starsky asked. his head, the fight fading from his face. He “Wha...of course it—” looked almost calm. “Sometimes,” Starsky cut him off, not “They would have never been punished,” sharply but almost gently, understanding, he said. “For what they did to...to their sons. “rules are necessary.” Daughters. Wives, employees. Everyone.” His From out of the corner of his eye, Hutch eyes found Hutch’s. “The world, you know?” could see Norman frown, confused, looking He shook his head. “No one ever punishes from one to the other, probably wondering them.” when he had lost control over the conversation. “But you did,” Hutch said. Hutch only hoped the moderator wouldn’t The answer didn’t come for a long time, interfere. but when it did it was angry, accompanied by For now, fortunately, Norman kept his glares like shots at the dumbfounded, frozen silence. members. “I came here to see people change. I “But not if they’re made to hurt people!” thought you’d meet and talk about your Clyde snapped. mistakes, your failures. But all you guys do is Starsky nodded. “I agree. That’s why I’m whine!” he yelled. Some of the men flinched. here. You shouldn’t let your anger control “Moan about your hard childhood and you.” your...your wives, who don’t understand you, Clyde froze. and how you miss your kids, and yet you beat Starsky watched him. “I mean,” he them!” His head turned to Norman Sennett, continued, “that’s the same problem we all whose chin had traveled south a long time ago. have, isn’t it?” He glanced around in the circle, “You don’t deserve comfort, or...or embraces but not long enough to allow anyone else to or understanding. You deserve to suffer! speak up and distract Clyde. “That’s where Like...like...” we’re all to blame. We let ourselves blow up “Like you suffered?” Hutch asked. because we’re angry and frustrated, and no one Clyde looked at him sharply. “You think ever showed us what belonging feels like, or I’m pretty easy to read, don’t you? What’re what home means. When it gets too much, we you, a cop?” snap. Break the rules. Isn’t that so, Clyde? Hutch nodded. You’re here, just like me. Didn’t you break any “Well, to you everybody looks the same, rules? You feel guilty for hurting someone, right? People kill, and they go to jail. It’s never don’t you?” about what’s behind it! Or is it?” Clyde met Starsky’s gaze. His jaws were Something in Starsky’s eyes kept Hutch clenched in suppressed rage. from answering. Starsky played innocent. “So what’re you “We’re going to arrest you, you know, lashing out at me for? I didn’t do anything you Clyde,” Starsky said “For Murder One. Will didn’t.” you give me your I.D. or do I have to come and “I’m not like you,” Clyde said, his eyes get it?” flooding with hate. “I’m not like any of you!” “Cops,” Clyde said, groping around for a That was Hutch’s cue. “Because we don’t wallet and throwing it at Starsky’s feet. “What kill, Clyde?” do you know, anyway?” Clyde turned to him, shock written all over “I know,” Starsky replied, picking up the his face. Before he had the chance to respond, wallet to search for Clyde’s I.D., “that you’re a

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 193 killer, Clyde...Cormack,” he read, and looked Starsky lifted his shoulders just a little. up again. “And that you will be punished for it. “Yeah.” Whether you moan or whine or defend “What was that before, though?” Hutch yourself. Or do you want our pity? asked innocently. “When you were still talking Understanding? Maybe a hug?” He stood up to to Norman.” leave the circle. “Hutch, read him his rights. Starsky opened his mouth to make a I’ll call for backup.” wisecrack, but in the end let go of a deep sigh Hutch looked around in the deathly still and leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling. circle and smiled. “Norman, uh, d’you maybe “I don’t know. The stupid questions bothered want to call the meeting to an end now?” me, I guess.” “Starsk?” ~oOo~ “Hm?” “Ever since you came back to work....” He Starsky and Hutch’s understanding of the stopped, thought, then just asked. “Can you difficulties in life usually drove them to show sleep?” interest in a lost soul’s history, his roots, his “If I take something,” Starsky answered motive. Sometimes it was a tragedy with more after a moment. victims than one would think. But Clyde Hutch’s shoulders slumped. He scratched Cormack had killed two men, men who were at his forehead. “Eat?” the very least trying to come to grips with their This time, the pause was much longer, and violence and pain. Clyde Cormack had made Starsky shifted his head to look at him when he them suffer agony. Clyde Cormack didn’t answered. “I can eat when you’re with me.” deserve sympathy he’d never know about, and Hutch waited. so they hurried with the paper work, did just as “I’m always cold,” Starsky continued, much as they had to for the night, and left in sounding so annoyed that Hutch couldn’t help the dark hours of early morning. smiling. “And...” Nervous, Starsky stopped, Usually, they went to Huggy’s after closing then in a small voice mumbled, “and I’m a case like this one to drown their own scared of...of windows.” At seeing the question frustrated anger at a world with the likes of on his partner’s face, he explained. “Sky.” He Clyde Cormack running around on its surface. made a small upward gesture with his index But tonight they both sensed it wasn’t the right finger. “When I look outside from a window time. With only exchanged glances, they for long, I get flashbacks.” agreed to have the well deserved post-case beer Hutch was dismayed. “Buddy, why didn’t at Venice Place instead. you tell me?” “Kid broke easily,” Starsky said once they Starsky shrugged. “It got worse over the sat in the dimly lit green house. Tipping his past few days. We had more important stuff to bottle back and forth, he stared at the beer focus on. Besides,” he added, more sloshing inside, avoiding Hutch’s look. But determined, and took a sip from his beer as if Hutch knew the start of the conversation was for emphasis, “it’ll pass.” an invitation to start asking. Hutch sighed. “Yeah right, everything “Yeah.” passes,” he muttered. “What am I gonna do “Didn’t think he would,” Starsky said. with you? If you need help, you need help. “Thought we’d have to question him further at Time’s not always the best answer, y’know?” the precinct.” Starsky just looked at him. “Me too,” Hutch said. “That was good “Today when Norman asked you, you said work, partner.” you were trying not to endanger people. But

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you don’t need to try, Starsk,” Hutch added, a rambling, he let go of a frustrated breath. “No hint of despair showing through his reasoned one I love, no one I’ll ever love will be safe! answer. “You don’t endanger anyone by Not you, and...and Audrey...Galesko threatened sleeping and eating.” He waited, then said with Audrey. She knew about her. I mean, of course emphasis, “I’m safe, buddy. We’re both safe.” she knew about her, she knew everything, but Their eyes met. that’s hardly a comfort, now is it?” he added “Are we?” sarcastically, rushing on before Starsky could Surprised, Hutch frowned at his partner’s cut in. “I would’ve endangered Audrey’s life calm voice, the lack of agreement in his just by being with her if I hadn’t left her, just expression. “What’s that supposed to mean?” like with Jeanie, or Abby, or...” he closed his “You don’t seem very safe.” eyes briefly. “Or Gillian. Galesko asked me “Starsky, that doesn’t—” what it would’ve been like if it had been you “You’re scared,” Starsky interrupted him Forest wanted back then, not Jeanie.” quietly. “Aw, Hutch.” Hutch averted his eyes. “Well, I know what it would’ve been like. “But I don’t know why. What would you But d’you know something? In a way that’s be so afraid of if we’re safe?” exactly what happened now!” “Starsky, please...” Hutch started, but “Hey!” Enough was enough. Grabbing caught himself as if annoyed at his own Hutch’s shoulder, Starsky gave him a hard pleading. “I told you that’s nonsense. I’m stare. “That’s not true. It wasn’t your fault.” fine.” “I was the reason,” Hutch replied. “The “Hutch.” The calm, determined tone made result remains the same.” Hutch look at his friend again. “If you need “But the result isn’t the same. You arrested help, you need help.” her, you solved the case and most importantly, “Aw, shut up.” you saved my life. That’s a good result, Blintz, They both laughed but it was short, a the result of hard work. You’re not responsible fragile moment. Starsky broke it. “I know you, for the crime.” Blintz. You’re scared. You let them control Though he wasn’t looking, Hutch sensed you. Just like when you dumped Audrey.” Starsky’s gaze on him. He ducked his head as Hutch kept his silence. Starsky’s soft voice, if away from the Starsky’s words, threatening the helpless pain it communicated was enough to dig through the defenses he wrapped around to disarm his defenses. his huddled soul. “I mean...a mushroom cloud?” Starsky “Maybe I should’ve watched my back continued. “Crime reports as short stories? better, who knows?” Starsky said softly. How can you believe a single word that “Maybe things like this will happen again. woman said to you? I thought you were Maybe we’ll have to look out for our loved supposed to be the brains of this duo!” ones more than others. But if so, then that’s With his head bowed, Hutch whispered, just the way it is. There are horrible people out “It’s not her, Starsk. Everything she said is there, yeah, sure, but you can’t refuse to be true. Don’t you see that?” Suddenly agitated, with the good ones because of those. You just he pushed a hand through his hair, searching can’t, Hutch.” for words. “I’m...the night I came home, after The silence that followed stretched on until we found out you were missing, I brought Hutch looked up into midnight blue eyes. some files home, and that reminded me of my Starsky smiled at him. “Because you’re too Dad, and...and, I don’t know, of kids, y’know, important for that, babe.” He shrugged. “Plain of having kids, and...” Noticing he was and simple. The good ones need you.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 195 A thick knot in Hutch’s throat threatened to “Right now?” Starsky threw a handful of make him sound close to tears, so he nuts into his mouth. swallowed, clearing his throat. “What a soapy “You have no sense of art,” Huggy line, Gordo,” he croaked. informed him. “And no money sense.” Starsky stared at him, then laughed. “Yeah. Starsky rolled his eyes. “Tell me one good A simple ‘thanks, pal, love ya too’ would’ve reason it’ll be worth a dime anytime in the sufficed, y’know.” future. I don’t even know the author!” “Thanks, pal. Love ya too.” “That’s the secret of its success,” Huggy With a twinkle in his eyes, Starsky waved said smugly. “No great authors were famous as his hand at his partner. “Don’t get mushy, long as they were alive. But this kid,” he Blintz.” pointed at the cover, “will be a hit soon, and Hutch smiled and the moment of easy then you’ll have a first print.” laughter circled back to where it had started as Starsky narrowed his eyes. “It’s a cousin of the men’s eyes met again. “I’m sorry for yours, isn’t it?” breaking like this,” Hutch said. He realized “So? There’ve always been great artists in how unfair it was to Starsky that he’d suffered my family!” from Galesko’s words. Here Starsky had “I’m sure. Forget it.” fought so hard to win the game, to keep Hutch Hutch walked in. Huggy followed his safe, and yet he had still lost. Or, well, almost. progress across the room, keeping his silence. “No, I understand,” Starsky replied, “Hey, hey!” Starsky exclaimed, greeting nodding as if to himself. “I do. I think,” he added after a moment’s thought, “it’s just too his partner with a pat on his back as he sank easy to feel responsible for it all. I mean, we into a chair. “Here he is. How did it go?” owe it to, I dunno, to ourselves to...live. So that One glance from Hutch was enough for we can do our job. Don’t you think?” he asked. Starsky’s grin to fade. “Uh oh.” “I wouldn’t wanna go through my life and only “Uh oh’s right,” Hutch muttered, nodding meet flakes like Clyde or Galesko or Forest or his thanks at Huggy, who’d already planted a Prudholm. There has to be something that beer in front of him. makes it worth it.” “No chance?” Starsky asked. “Or someone,” Hutch added quietly. “She said she’d call me.” Hutch looked at “Yeah,” Starsky agreed and lifted his bottle his friend meaningfully. to touch Hutch’s. “To someone.” “Oh.” A pause. “Well...you can’t blame “To someone.” Hutch smiled back. her.” “No,” Hutch sighed, wiped a hand over his ~oOo~ features. “I know.”

“I’m tellin’ ya, it’ll be worth a million in a Watching the miserable heap that was his century. That’s an investment you’re holding pal, Starsky fondly squeezed his shoulder. in your ungrateful hands there.” “Hey, at least something good came out of it.” “Huggy,” Starsky said, ungrateful fingers “And what’s that?” flipping ungratefully through the mentioned A grin popped up on Starsky’s face. He investment’s pages, “it’s a book. And it turned to Huggy, who handed him a five-dollar smells.” He wrinkled his nose, let the book fall bill. onto the counter. Hutch blinked in disbelief. “You two bet Huggy picked it up to brush imaginary dust on my love life?” off it. A reproving glance found the detective. Starsky shrugged. “’Smore fun than betting “You know what your problem is, Starsky?” on Huggy´s.”

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“Hey!” Huggy protested. “Just because you quick look at his friend. “Hey.” He waited for didn’t have enough money on ya.” Hutch to look. “Y’okay?” Hutch smiled and took a sip of his beer. “Yeah,” Hutch replied and smiled. “I’m “Yeah, yeah, right,” Starsky said, waving good.” his hand. “Why don’t you try to talk Hutch into Content, Starsky nodded. “You?” Hutch asked in return. “Ate buying your cousin’s bestseller?” today?” “Nah, I’m afraid his taste in culture has Starsky picked up his beer and nodded. It been negatively affected by the company he wasn’t time yet for him to become annoyed at keeps,” Huggy said, and strolled off to serve a Hutch’s mothering. couple sitting at a corner table. “Slept okay?” Hutch looked after Huggy, then back at his But they were heading towards that point. partner. “Do I want to know what that was all He swallowed his beer. “Yes.” about?” “Okay. Hey.” “Hm? What?” “I don’t know,” Starsky replied, “it has “Thank you.” something to do with Huggy´s family and Confused, Starsky frowned. “For what?” literature.” “This,” Hutch said, spreading his hands. “Okay, save it.” “Now.” Starsky patted Hutch’s back and took a sip Understanding, Starsky smiled and looked from his beer. He lowered the bottle and stole a ahead again. “Don’t get soapy, Blintz.”

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Blue Haze

By Kassidy

The room is dim. The torchlight creates as hell not gonna be stripped and tied up. black moving shadows against uneven stone Guess that leaves you, Hutchinson, and these walls. two on the floor. I think maybe they like it.” His hands are tied above his head. He’s on He grins again, like a hyena. Kicks one of a big wooden platform, rotating at a dizzying them. The abuse is absorbed in silence. speed. He closes his eyes against the officers What does he mean, two? “Where’s standing there, laughing, and the two cadets Starsky?” he asks. Mr. Hyena Face just grins squatting naked on the floor next to them, harder and Hutch watches his face split in two. hands cuffed behind their backs. He winces and blinks at the image, and the With his eyes closed, the motion makes guy’s face is back to normal. He glances at the him want to throw up, so instead he opens his other cadet standing beside him. He looks eyelids to slits, peering out at the whirling scared and sick. Fun’s all gone. room. The torches merge into one long, bright Hutch switches his stare back to Hyena flame. Face, a.k.a. his classmate Lucas from the Two more cadets stand beside him, academy, and thinks of ramming a foot into his laughing as he spins. Maybe they’re the ones face, listening to the bones crunch. He doesn’t spinning him around. “You motherfucking think about how crazy that is, wanting to hurt traitors,” says Hutch. someone like that. His eyes move from Lucas One of them grins, though his face looks up to the roof of the cavern, wide, blind blue, white and tense. “We play or we pay. I’m sure trying to focus, but he’s spinning, spinning. He

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 199 wants to vomit again, but there’s nothing to matter. What matters is they’re trying to break throw up anymore. him. Bits of his mind chip off like flecks of The last time he ate was at the campsite. He paint from an old wall. He’s almost beyond and Richard came back from a hike in the anger, floating toward something menacing, woods to hunker down before the fire Lucas and he tries to rein it all in and think. built as darkness crept up on the day. Starsky It doesn’t go too well. was there, staring at the popping wood as it Where is this place? Starsky, I need help. burned and settled. Behind them, fog rose from But Starsky isn’t here. the water, and Carlos watched over the burgers Strange, how fast the two of them became cooking on the grill. friends at the academy. It’s not like they had Remembering the smell of the meat, Hutch anything in common, but for some reason they turns his head and heaves, stomach wrenching just fit together. The reasons why didn’t matter. upward. A galling liquid floods his mouth, All that mattered is that he had Starsky’s back, nothing more. He settles back with a groan, and Starsky had his, and neither of them wishing like hell that he hadn’t drank so much. questioned it. He and Starsky and the guys got hammered Both of them had figured that it was just a early on, and they were determined to keep up matter of time before the new recruits were the good work. It was a party, after all. After a broken in. They had expected a run through the while it hit their thick, drunken skulls that the ringer, but shit, never this—over the edge, booze was spiked with something pretty gone down a dark hole. potent, something that made them more stoned It isn’t something you climb out of than drunk. Not like they cared—it was just unscathed. All of them here tonight smell it one more thing to laugh about. It seemed and feel it, unquestioning, a savage taint like hilarious. the zing of blood in your mouth. No going But that was a million years ago, sometime back now, only forward. That’s the heart of the before Starsky leaned into him and plastered reason why he’s been lying here for hours, his lips over his own like a starving man, and cavern walls blurring, stoned out of his mind in the funny thing was, they fit there perfectly, as a blue haze threaded with jaundice-yellow if they belonged. That was when Hutch sickness and anger like glowing coals. realized how crazy they were acting. Hadn’t Tomorrow the chips will fall, and those at fault stopped him from shoving Starsky against the will pay or flee. Tonight, he is here to stay trunk of a tree and stuffing his tongue down his until they finish with him. throat, though. Until she finishes with him. Right after, he broke away and walked off He saw the first edge of violence earlier into the dark woods, afraid of that strangely tonight in the officer who organized this little perfect fit. That’s where they found him later. shindig. Saw the cruelties masked beneath Talking to a fucking tree, no less. Thought it drunken humor. But Hutch was drunk, too, in was Vanessa, maybe, and was apologizing. He no shape to add up the answers before him, if didn’t mean to like Starsky’s mouth on his; there were any to be had. And now, strapped to didn’t want to want it again. Felt so good. this table, he has seen much more of the face Couldn’t help it. beneath the mask than he ever wanted. Officer He winces, remembering. Yeah, that was Connelly holds a fraying rope, and Hutch is on forever ago. He’s lucky to remember his own the end of it. name now. He’s been here on this whirling He knows her from the academy, of course. table since the dawn of time. Or maybe it’s just She’s a good instructor. But tonight she’s his mind whirling, he can’t tell. Doesn’t exposed her dark underbelly, shown a rage

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grown larger through every carbon-copy day of perfectly grilled tenderloin steak. His balls try God-knows-what insignificant insufferable shit. to pull back and hide. Like the contempt of her fellow officers, “So, you could have just asked if you maybe—everybody knows how hard they can wanted to take me to bed,” he says, trying hard be on women on the force. Or hell, maybe her to sound casual. Connelly licks her lips and the husband’s screwing around. Or maybe it’s just bottom drops out of Hutch’s stomach, so he something stupid topped onto another reaches for the anger again. It’s all that’s left to something stupid, like the car keeps stalling anchor him, which is a lousy choice because out and the refrigerator won’t cool and the his anger is titanic and possibly insane. It house needs painting and there isn’t enough makes him want to slit Officer Pervert's throat. money to pay the bills. Who knows all the Still, the anger is preferable to the cold reasons why? squirming fear pushing up through the center The thing that matters is that she turned on of his spine, telling him she wants more than a the fresh meat at the academy, took it out on good screw. She wants to hurt someone, them. She’s the one that added something to anyone. Might as well be him, right? the alcohol at the party tonight, bringing her Right. students down to size. Hutch is sure of it. It’s The anger sweeps out like a wave pounding not like it’s that hard for a police officer to get the shoreline. He’ll kill the bitch if she touches drugs. him. The sheer intensity of his rage is He thinks about what the booze could have overwhelming. He searches in his mind, been spiked with. Maybe they’ve been fed touching the fragile, shriveled bones of his acid? remaining rationale. They dissolve, just like in Maybe something worse, judging by the the horror movies Starsky insists he watch with way he wants to rip out Connolly’s throat. But him. Stop-motion photography. The bones just Connelly’s doing the ripping, so to speak, collapse into dust. dragging them all down the dark hole behind In the same way, his thoughts blow apart her where they can’t hope to climb out. and scatter. Hutch’s mind trips over all this, making He’d been asleep, or unconscious…maybe connections not with thoughts but with feelings someone had knocked him out. He and images. He tries to keep his mind focused, remembered waking up strapped to the table, to find a way out of this, but he really…just… Connelly standing over him stroking his chest. can’t. He blinked, trying to clear his vision. For a He doesn’t give a big flying fuck. confused moment he thought he was home in He smirks. The torches glow yellow, hard bed. Then Connelly grasped a coppery nipple yellow, hard enough to shatter bones. He can’t between her sharp nails and pressed in, stop staring at them. pinching. Hutch yelled, eyes flying wide, and a “Hutch.” wet mouth pressed against his, opened on him. He blinks, looking toward that poisonous Connelly’s spit was cold. Mouth-breather. voice, that face, blurring past him, beyond him, Hutch’s skin crawled. before him again. Here’s all of him hanging He heard her whisper: “I saw you and out, tied down and fucked up, and not a damn Starsky. Outside.” thing to do about it but face the Big Time Her body pressed against him, an oven, Trouble staring down at him. unhealthy in its heat, and her mouth devoured Even stoned and not wanting to see what’s his. He couldn’t breathe. He wrenched away in that face, he sees it. Officer Connelly is and she smiled, swollen lips hovering over looking his naked body over like it’s a him, and then her tongue licked Hutch’s

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 201 bottom lip. Her hand caressed his inner thigh, it grow, like a shell hiding a burgeoning pearl. and the colors in his mind swirled gray, topped But now it’s here, out in the open. with red anger. He stared at her, transfixed. She leans over Hutch, stroking his Suddenly a bolt of pain. She grasped his forehead. “Ken?” she says softly, whispering scrotum, squeezed hard, harder. He arched his name. Hutch’s eyes drag open and try to helplessly upward, agony radiating from his focus. balls, pulling against the restraints holding him “Yes,” comes his low reply, uncertain. to the table. Enraged, he slammed his head Beautiful woman, his Vanessa, with dark hair forward into hers and then yelped at the self- trailing over her shoulders. Dimples when she inflicted pain. Connelly shrieked, whipping her smiles. He ignores the question of how she head back. Something wet rolled down from came to be here. “I love you,” he says in a soft Hutch’s lip. Blood. She’d bitten him. His lip voice. His red-rimmed eyes look into her face, throbbed, and nausea rose in his throat. expectant, trusting. How much time passed since then? Connelly smiles. Her lips come down over Minutes? Hours? He doesn’t know. He Hutch’s, fingers wrapping around his jaw. Just remembers only the spinning of the table after a taste of him, then she pulls back and watches that, round and round, until he had to stop his face, pondering whatever reverie he has himself from screaming for mercy. But he kept sunken into. She smoothes blond hair from his silent and was grateful to hold onto at least that forehead and trails a finger over his damp much. cheek. He swims back from the memory as “I love you, too,” she breathes in his ear. Connelly turns to her cohorts. “Get out of He looks up at her and smiles faintly, here,” she says. They stare back silently. “Out. seeing what he wishes to see. The thing that ’Til I tell you different. I can handle him.” loomed behind his anger overwhelms him for “Where’s Starsky?” Hutch asks. His voice now. He’s shuttled down a long, dark tunnel is rough. into a place of false comfort and light. “Wasted. Zoned out, down in another Still, he knows something’s wrong when he cavern,” Lucas answers, and Connelly turns tries to move and can’t. He frowns, looking to suddenly and backhands him. Lucas staggers her for an answer, and she frees his hands from and falls, and Hutch laughs. Each short sound overhead, though they’re still bound. He bounces in the air before him like hard rubber doesn’t notice. He’s staring at her, her red lips. balls. He’s fascinated by it. Lucas shoots him Her skin’s aglow, vital. Alive. an enraged look as he files past, but Hutch Ravenous. doesn’t see it, watching the sounds fade. She pats his hand, then moves to his waist He blinks the stinging sweat from his eyes. and rubs the gleaming skin there. Then dips Gradually his eyelids flutter and close. Inside further, down into soft hair, scraping her nails them, he watches the rubber balls grow smaller over it gently. Glancing around the still and smaller, moving frenetically, changing chamber, she licks her lips. Hutch’s eyes are colors. closed again, murmuring something to himself. Connelly cocks her head, waiting in the Sweat beads his upper lip and face. silence. She stands still a long time, watching Her fingers wrap around his cock and he his eyes move back and forth behind his hardens in her hand, smooth and firm. A warm eyelids. She is obsessed by this man with his tingle flushes through her body and she closes slim, wiry body, his coolness, his defiance, his her eyes, savoring. Experimentally, she slides pale eyes flashing fear and rage. She’s held her her hand up and down. Hutch groans, his back obsession to herself over the weeks, watching arching. She runs her hand down around his

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buttocks, then creeps back around him again, She grins at him and squeezes harder. The surrounding him, and pumps him with her fist, pain is growing, taking over his mind, watching his eyes fly wide. His pupils are enormous, shrinking pain, so personal, so black and huge. He grinds against her hand. vulnerable that he retreats from this reality. But Releasing him, she strokes down his long if that happens, if his mind floats away, what thighs with her hands. He pulses up toward her will she do with him next? What about Starsky, helplessly and she dips her head, wrapping her what if he comes looking for him? What if he lips around him. She sucks him all the way in. sees? Harder. There’s no escape. He makes a low, His body thrusts up to meet her. The moaning sound that goes on and on, his eyes sounds he makes are orange flame, tripping fixed on hers. She stares back, gloating. His one on top of another. The fingers of his bound fury breaks anew. He threatens her, curses her. hands stretch outward, finding themselves He’ll kill her. He writhes against the table. entangled in her hair as he thrusts again and She waits. comes, screaming her name. He sags against his bonds, and for a long Van, oh God. Van. moment is completely defeated. She sees it, Her eyes roll up and look into his, her drinks it in, holding his eyes with her own. His mouth still holding him. Vanessa’s hair is soft eyes water and he turns his head away towards as gleaming silk. This hair is stiff and coarse. the table. He cranes his neck up to look at her, blinking, He looks back at her suddenly. “So you disbelieving. A corpse holds him in her rotting have to force people to fuck you? Pretty lips, tongue fluttering in lustful obscenity. fucking sad, Connelly. Is this your idea of “No!” It echoes through the cavern. getting lucky?” Gagging, he turns his head away and struggles Her eyes narrow, watching him, and then against his bonds, shrinking from her touch. her face melts into Vanessa’s again. He His voice keeps shouting in his mind over the swallows. “Thanks for the blow job, drumbeat of his pulse, denying, squirming Connelly.” He’s not even sure who he’s talking away from the impossibility. to anymore, and it comes out in a whisper The she-bitch from Hell is still kneeling, a instead of the derisive tone he’d meant to calculating look in her eyes. She smiles at him deliver it in. and laps his come off her lips. Gray lips sneer She isn’t fooled by the bravado and places and her rotting, mottled skin comes to him in her hand upon his bare stomach, stroking his nightmare close-up as she thrusts her face to skin idly. He flinches miserably, turning his his. Hutch flinches back again. head away, eyes squeezed together. She She whispers in his ear, “You know you reaches down, nails pushing into the flesh of liked it.” his inner thigh and digging harder until he God, oh God. What has he done? He thinks begins to bleed. He can’t stop himself from again of Vanessa, despairing. crying out in pain, shrinking from her touch. “Didn’t you? You came and came, Starsky is gone. Left without him. forever.” She reaches down and grips him His mind begins a necessary retreat. hard. Some time later, he is jostled insistently. A noise comes from deep inside him as the Floating in some No Man’s Land, he begins to pain intensifies. Gritting his teeth, he whips his remember and shrinks immediately away from head up and glares at her. “You goddammed the knowledge of what she's done to him, of freak!” what he’s done.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 203 “Drink,” she says, thrusting a cup to his own hand reaches out, groping, but the lips. She pours it in his mouth, splashes it over pressure lifts and he’s left snatching empty air. his chin, where it runs down the sides of his “Van?” neck. He can’t resist the cool wetness on his “Who else would it be?” the voice answers, parched tongue and gulps greedily. amused, and he relaxes. He reaches out for her He looks up her, seeing Vanessa. If only it again but she steps aside and speaks again. “I were her. If only he were home. need your help.” He gags at the sudden memory of tattered “What?” he murmurs, clutching onto the lips wrapping around him, and she yanks the edge of the table, trying to sit. “Turn on the water away. Moments later the room begins to light, will you?” whirl before him. Is the table moving? His eyes There is a silence, then a small torch is lit, fly to her face—she’s grinning, and his heart far away from the table. A dark figure stands in sinks. silhouette before it, walking slowly towards Suddenly nothing seems to matter anymore. him. He squints toward her. It all eases off his shoulders and floats off. He “She told me you and she….” There was a sighs with relief and closes his eyes pause. “She wants me to know…she wants you comfortably, the last vision of Connolly fading to tell me how it felt. Being with her.” Her blessedly away. voice is raw. ~oOo~ “Who…no. No, that’s a lie.” He feels sick. He closes his eyes. A quiet, calm female voice addresses him. There is a hesitation, then: “She says if you “Ken…time to wake up now….” He blinks, tell me, she won’t hurt me. Oh Ken, you don’t straining to see, but there is nothing. It’s dark. want her to hurt me, do you?” The torches are out. He hears a dull roar in the back of his head “I can’t…I can’t see you.” He’s still drowsy, and puts a hand to it, then looks into her eyes, his words a murmur. He feels a hand brush searching. She has such a beautiful face. through his hair. Sometimes he touches her dimple with a finger “It’s all right. It’s nighttime,” the voice when she laughs. His eyes roam down to her continues reasonably, and he sighs and closes body. She is naked, long and slim, with pale his eyes again. creamy skin and breasts. “Hutch.” He wants to hold her now, to explain, but for some reason he can’t sit up. He has no “What?” he murmurs, trying to shift. He strength. His arms and legs are no longer stiff, can’t move, and groans. but useless rubber. He grapples with the fact of “What’s wrong?” The disembodied voice is his helplessness, forgetting the apprehension gentle. It calms him. brought on by her words. His vision doubles “Van? I can’t…can’t move.” He’s confused. for an instant and he shakes his head, the room “I don’t know why, but I can’t move.” blurring crazily. Colors fly off into the “Here, let me help,” she says. He feels darkness. Everything is so confused, he can’t fingers working at his ankles, then at his make sense of it. wrists, and suddenly he’s free. His limbs are He’s distracted by her hand again clasping wooden and stiff. He turns onto his side, and his leg. This time he doesn’t move. The hand his arms and legs ache as new blood courses moves upward, stopping to trace the outline of through them. His eyes open and the darkness his hipbone, and suddenly cups him. A wave of is tinged with shifting colors at the edge of his pleasure crests up his spine. She smiles and her vision. A hand drops onto his bare leg and his small white teeth gleam, her dimples fill with

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shadow. His legs fall bonelessly open. What in outward. He pulls in uneven, hurried breaths, hell is wrong with him? trying to keep from screaming, praying that the Trouble is, he really doesn’t care. burning agony will fade. He’s afraid to look, to He smiles back at her in the dim light. His see what she has done to him. He’s afraid not pupils are wide, defenseless. He touches her to. He peers downward, flinching as her hand face, her dark hair. She shivers with excitement moves into his line of vision. Frantically he and slides her fingers around him, reveling, tries to move away from her stroking hand. holding him stiff and hard in her hand, The burning subsides. completely at her mercy. The shadows are deep He is unhurt. in the cave and his skin glows in the dimness, He looks up at her, eyes dull. “Why me?” every dip and hollow, every muscle accentuated. She smiles, pressing her lips to his ear, and She crawls up on the table, her hands roaming whispers, “Don’t you know how much I love his perspiring skin, so smooth, so exposed. She you?” moves up and positions herself over him, He bolts upright, throwing her off him to sliding down over his erection. He thrusts into the floor. She picks herself up and rushes her, over and over, meeting her movement with toward him. his own, smooth velvet surrounding his prick. “No more!” He slams her into the stone The cavern is silent except for the sounds they wall, rage and panic giving him strength. She make together. falls to the floor and is still. Suddenly she pulls off from him, down Hutch stumbles from the table and doubles from the table to stand beside him. He reaches over, heaving. His stomach feels like it’s for her. “Please,” he breathes, “I want you.” His hand wanders down her hip. coming up his throat. He waits for the spasms “Ken.” His eyes fixate on her. She looks to subside and crawls over to her, feeling for a down at him, saying tenderly, “I thought you pulse. It’s there, faint but steady. Her face loved me. You said you loved me. Tell me why keeps changing, melting from Van to Connelly you fucked her.” to the corpse hag. He tries to swallow, but his His eyes darken with bewilderment and mouth is a desert. His thoughts are wandering hurt. She watches, her hand trembling on the and confused. center of his chest, relishing his pain. Suddenly He’s hurt Van. she lowers her mouth over his cock, laving, Gotta get help. He turns and grabs his devouring. He jerks upward in surprise, clothes, throwing them on haphazardly. gasping as the feeling builds higher, nearly Wait. Van isn’t here. She’s at home. Isn’t unbearable. He comes with his head thrown she? back, spurting into her heated mouth, He shambles out of the cavern, panic understanding the sudden sorrow of betrayal. snatching his breath. He can’t think—is afraid This is not Vanessa. to think. Calling out for Starsky, he stumbles Has he known it all along? around in the dark, walking into walls, trying He watches her eyes close, relishing every to find his way out of this hellhole. Oh God. last throb, and his open wide as a monstrous Need to find him. Have they hurt him? bolt of pain follows on the heels of pleasure. Once he bashes his face into stone so hard Her mouth slides from him, watching with that he nearly loses consciousness. He opens knowing eyes. his eyes and Starsky is leaning over him, She bit me. holding a flashlight. His hair’s gone wild, He gasps and rolls over into a ball, pain curling all over his head. There’s a scratch roaring through his genitals, spreading across his cheek and his left eye sports a dark

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 205 bruise, but he looks all right. Better than all “No, I—” Hutch begins miserably. “There right. Real, alive. was an old woman there...and Van. She told Hutch is suddenly very tired. Tears well in Van what I did.” He raises a hand up to his eyes. Starsky, then drops it, looking confused. “I “Hutch?” Starsky keeps repeating his thought they were there.” name. “What’d they do to you, huh? Talk to “I’m sorry. Shhh,” says Starsky, expression me.” But all he can do is stare at Starsky and softening, and kisses him again. “Listen to me, nod. Hutch. You listening? Richard and Carlos are “Goddammit, Hutch, you’re scaring me.” already gone. We got away from Connelly’s Starsky pulls him into his arms, rubbing his pals. Now I’m gonna get you out of this. You back. know I’m gonna get you out of this.” He pulls “She’s in there. Maybe I killed her, Starsk.” Hutch to his feet, and they stumble around “Connelly?” behind the beam of the flashlight, looking for “Yeah. Or Van.” Hutch scratches at his the way out. face. He keeps scratching. Something’s there, Finally far ahead of them they see the faint crawling. winking of stars from the mouth of the cavern. “What?” Starsky grabs his hand. “Cut it They reach it and Starsky peers out, watching out. You’re bleeding.” for Connolly or her goons. The moon rides “Something’s in there. I gotta get it out. over the trees and the sounds of cicadas rise Starsk, something’s in there getitout—” around them. Hutch starts outside and Starsky “Stop! Hutch. Jesus.” Starsky held down grabs him. both his arms with an effort. “Listen! Listen, “Not yet.” it’s the drugs, Hutch, you gotta stop, we gotta He yanks his arm from Starsky’s grasp. He get out of here before they find us.” Finally he has to get out. Now. God don’t let her get near pulls Hutch’s arms together and holds them me ever again. down. It’s a long time before Hutch stops Starsky pulls him back into the cave and struggling. “I’m gonna go check,” says Starsky. wraps around Hutch like a warm blanket, lips “Don’t move.” brushing his ear. “C’mon babe, I’m gonna get Hutch’s eyes go wide. “No. Don’t.” you out of here. Just give me a sec. Gonna be “I’ll be right back. I promise.” Starsky gets all right.” Hutch is a trembling live wire up, stumbling. Hutch lies there in the dark and beneath his hands. He rubs his arms, soothing, tries to remember what is real. then turns to the mouth of the cavern again and No, don’t scratch. Starsky says the bugs looks out. aren’t real. He tries not to panic. No one sounds the alarm. No one is there. Starsky is true to his word, returning within Starsky lets Hutch go and he barrels from the minutes. “Hey, you. It’s okay, no one’s there. cave, picking up speed, crashing blindly She could be going after her buddies, though. through whatever gets in his way. He ignores Did they have you on that table?” the scratches of clinging branches and bushes, “It itches,” Hutch whispers. Starsky leans running from her voice whispering “I love down and kisses him without thinking. Hutch you” so sweetly in his ear. And when Starsky’s wraps an arm around his neck. “She said she hand touches his arm, he turns and swings at loves me, that bitch. I didn’t want her. I him. wanted—I want—” “I’ll kill you,” he says. “I thought they were hurting you, and you “Not me,” says Starsky, and the warm arms were fucking her?” asks Starsky. He looks surround around him again. “I’m going to be away. your partner. Already am, in every way that

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counts.” And suddenly Hutch’s hands are in Then Starsky’s lips are on his, hot and wet, his hair, on his head, tugging his face to him. pushing his head back with the force of the Hutch’s mouth is on his, a low moan like a hurt pressure. Hutch’s dick stands and salutes, animal coming out of him. His lips are all over greeting his partner. His heart soars up out of Starsky’s, frantic. the muck of nightmares and dark hallucination, Starsky lunges forward, slamming Hutch and he remembers what he felt before with against the nearest tree. It hurts but Hutch Starsky’s mouth on his. doesn’t care. His hands scramble in under He meets Starsky’s tongue with his own, Starsky’s shirt, dragging over ribs, roaming up tangling together, and pushes them violently to the nipples. He rubs with the flat of his off from the tree trunk, throwing them to the fingers and they stiffen beneath his touch. ground. The air from Starsky’s lungs leaves Starsky’s legs threaten to give way beneath him in a painful rush as he lands beneath him. He pushes away from Hutch, breathing Hutch. It stops him only long enough to gasp hard. Hutch opens his eyes, bewildered. in another breath before his hands grab and “Naw. No. You’re fucked up, Hutch. So’m pull Hutch’s head to him. Their lips slip and I, but I’m coming down off it. You’re on a bad push together, heat and wet and frantic trip, buddy. I need to get you to the hospital.” movement. Hutch makes a deep sound that Hutch stares at the ground. “Don’t do this.” vibrates in his chest and Starsky goes weak at “I’m taking care of us. I’m taking care of the desire in it. His lips go lower, sucking the you.” long line of Hutch’s throat, pulling the “Not what I need.” unbuttoned shirt aside to expose the smooth, “What, you want to fuck me, Hutch? I’m pale skin and flick a nipple with his stiff your best friend, for Christsake! What about tongue, again and again. Then his tongue Vanessa?” softens to cover it, licking and chewing, and Hutch stares at Starsky, then rolls his head Hutch’s chest heaves like a bellows beneath back on the tree trunk. He starts to scratch at him. the bugs. Before Starsky can stop him, he digs They grind together, the material of their out a red tear in the skin. pants hot and rough and not to be tolerated. By Starsky’s hand grabs his hand and he looks unspoken agreement both begin struggling to up at him. pull off their clothes. Starsky finishes first. “You know I want you, right?” Starsky Hutch is moving clumsily, slowly, his pants says, voice low, his breath warm at Hutch's ear. still around his thighs, when he looks up and Hutch closes his eyes, listening to the timbre of sees Starsky naked. He falls to his knees and his voice. “Want you worse than anything. grabs Starsky’s ass in both hands. His mouth Ever since the day we met. I didn’t even think sinks over and down on Starsky’s straining, I’d like you, back then, but I couldn’t help but bobbing shaft. Starsky reaches back behind want you.” himself, but there’s nothing to hold onto and Hutch opens his eyes and his pale face his legs can’t support him. He goes down on opens up, watching Starsky as if he’s a lifeline, the ground, Hutch over him in an instant, the and he says, “I need you. I don’t know if that’s moonlight striking just right so that the pale using you or not. If I say I’m going to shake blue eyes glow clear and ghostly for a moment. apart without you, or if I say I need you to “Can’t get away from me that easy,” Hutch wipe out the feel of her. Is it? I’m going to nail says, smiling slowly, then lowers his mouth that bitch and her pals tomorrow, and I’m again, encompassing Starsky. going back to Van tomorrow. But tonight I “Oh God, God, God,” Starsky chants, need you. If you—” taking in huge breaths between the words. His

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 207 fingers bunch in the moonlit hair as Hutch’s “Starsky.” Impatient. head rises and falls, mouth swarming over him, “I gotta get you ready, Hutch—” licking, suctioning. His head is raised, “Do it. Wanna feel you.” Hutch pulls watching Hutch’s mouth slide up and down his Starsky up and crushes his lips to his mouth, cock. plunging his tongue inside. “Want to feel you Then he suddenly pushes off from the grass come while you’re inside,” he whispers and and Hutch tumbles down beneath him. Starsky groans. Hutch licks his fingers and “What the hell...?” Hutch begins, but palm and grabs the head of Starsky’s cock, Starsky’s mouth is covering his, forcing him rubbing him, wetting him, and then shifts his back down on the ground, and Starsky’s cock pelvis, spreading himself and waiting. Starsky is digging hot and hard into his stomach. By the time Starsky’s mouth leaves him in order to turns inside out, watching, then finally tears his reach down and finish pulling off his pants, eyes away. He holds himself with one hand, Hutch is speechless. He just stares up at the positioning himself. He pushes in a little. bits of stars and moon between the leaves of Again. the treetops above him, waiting until Starsky’s “Harder.” face looms over his again. “Wai—” Starsky says, and Hutch tugs at Then he says, “Want you in me. Inside his straining forearms. me.” “Harder.” “What?” asks Starsky, disbelieving, and Starsky grabs Hutch’s cock, bobbing there’s a moment’s silence. “You ever let against his stomach, and strokes it, pushing in anyone fuck you before?” a little more. Hutch yelps, his ass muscles “No. But I want you to.” clamping down, and Starsky starts to withdraw “It’s gonna hurt, Hutch.” but long legs wrap around him, yanking him “I...” His face crumples for an instant, then closer. He slides in a little more, pumping smoothes. “Hutch, c’mon, what’s wrong? C’mon. Is Hutch’s big cock, watching the lean form it—what’s going on?” Starsky’s face looks beneath him writhe and the shadows trace the pale and cold in the moonlight, but his eyes are quivering muscles, outlined in moonlight. He burning blue heat. “Do you want to stop?” can’t help himself anymore, and pushes in Hutch grabs his shoulders. “No way. Just further. want you.” Hutch makes a deep noise down in his “What is it? Tell me.” throat and squeezes with his legs, pulling “I...she’s here. She’s here. In my head. Starsky in. Starsky moves slowly at first, then Fucking bitch. Help me get rid of her.” faster, his body on a strange high plane where “We’ll get rid of her. Okay?” says Starsky every movement and every touch shivers deep and kisses him, long and gentle. His cock down into his skin and drives him ever higher. brushes against Hutch’s, bumping and The sight of Hutch’s body straining up in the swaying. “It’s the drugs, babe. That’s all,” dim cold light only heightens it more. Starsky whispers. Hutch spreads his legs, and Starsky sinks I’ll never be able to forget this. down between them, lapping slowly over his He jacks Hutch’s cock in his fist and slams skin, all the way down to his balls and then into him, fucking him. Hutch releases a beneath them. He wets a finger, sliding it quivering moan that sends Starsky into the around the puckered skin below, tracing it. stratosphere. He comes hard, spasming on and Then he slides a finger in, slow inch at a time. on, still sliding his hand hard and quick over It’s so tight and hot. It makes Starsky shiver. Hutch’s cock. Almost before he’s finished he

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wants to touch his tongue to that cock, to slide Hutch’s skin there, feeling the soft scratch of his mouth over it, taste him. He starts to pull his hair against him. out from Hutch, as slow and careful as he can, “Starsky?” Hutch rubs the flat of his hand and keeps on pumping him with his hand. over his shoulder. Starsky doesn’t move. Hutch opens his eyes and makes a protesting Never will forget. Don’t want to. sound, but he is intent. He slides out of Hutch’s “Hey. C’mere,” says Hutch. body, trying to stifle the sudden crazy lost Starsky still doesn’t move, so Hutch moves feeling that comes with it. Hutch winces, and down to him a little stiffly and kisses him. that makes it worse. “Starsky. Will you marry me?” He bends down and Hutch’s cock jerks up Starsky’s eyes open, startled. Hutch smiles, to meet the mouth that engulfs him. Starsky and it’s real and true and almost delirious. moves up and down over it, tonguing the Nothing haunts him now. bottom edge of the head, bumping his teeth Maybe that’s enough, then. gently over it while holding the base tight in “You’re already married, dickhead. Or,” his fist. Hutch’s spine curves upward, then Starsky says, watching Hutch’s reaction, “I higher, his body tensing, coming in deep, would.” Something flickers behind Hutch’s jolting throbs. Starsky rides up with him, eyes before the grin widens. Starsky leans up feeling him pulse in his mouth, reliving his and kisses the smile, and Hutch kisses him own climax all over again. When it’s finally back. finished, he rubs the side of his face into A perfect fit.

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CRYPTO-QUOTES Set 2: GSF'R KOAA NR XO PJOF W'X SF RJO HJSFO Quotations from the series are collected in sets BSSAI NFG SFAK YTOOFJSTFI RTK RS below and encrypted with a letter substitution HTOGWMR RJO PONRJOT code. YOFO NERTK YORI WR RJOTO NAA For example, "ME AND THEE" might be RJO RWXO encrypted as "SL RUB AZLL", where R=A, JERMJ WI MERO; W'X MNTOBEA B=D, L=E, Z=H, S=M, U=N and A=T. Four sets of quotes, four different codes. Set 3: Solving Tips: Look for single letters, which will PE BRPG YHG H DIYQIO JINPL…P'W UPNL OIZ JO QIIBG likely be 'A' or 'I'. Also look for patterns of letters and apostrophes for hints. PE OIZA QLGB EAPLXW DHX'B BLKK OIZ, YRI DHX? FIND THE ANSWERS AT THE BACK OF PB'G HKYHOG BIZURLGB IX BRL THE ZINE IXLG KLEB QLRPXW GBHAGSO'G KHY: BHKS H KPBBKL, Set 1: YPX H KIB NQLNVM RC DGJC DF VFJG DCCDU NEI DUCV'QQ ECSCG RC WNQMC DF Set 4: VFJ XYAYS ZONE WX J IJX'C ZJSUXYS HFBM ECCI QFSC DFF PJXXJ LSOAY IH NJS? IFE'D NEDNOFEZAC DUC BCFBQC Z PBYX HWG RWU OU, TFJGXU OU, ECCI MWH HWG XYAYS PYSY J AYSH RWWL EF FEC HNE IZB QZXC GNKFE FOJS

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 211 STARSKY & HUTCH CAST TRIVIA

Bobbie Mitchell (Diane Sills) and Nellie Bellflower (Sweet Alice) both appeared in the 1979 movie, Rendezvous Hotel.

In 1978, PMG/DS won the Sour Apple. Criteria: The Sour Apple was originally given to the least cooperative actor and actress. In 1967, it was changed to the person who presented a poor image of Hollywood. In 1978, it was changed again to the person who most believed his or her own publicity.

Sylvia Sidney (Olga Grossman, “Gillian”) 1978 interview with Columbia university professor Karyn Kay: “the saddest eyes in Hollywood.”

She played the tragic, non-singing Cio-Cio San in the film Madame Butterfly in 1932, which led Carl Anderson (Marsellus Cobb, “Strange to a brand of Japanese condoms being named Justice” & Ralph, “Class in Crime”) played the “Sylvia Sidneys.” Judas in the 1973 classic film Jesus Christ Superstar. Ted Neeley (Lionel Rigger, “Targets Dennis Burkley (THE Omaha Tiger, “Omaha Without a Badge”) played Jesus Christ. Tiger”) is voice of Principal Moss in King of the Hill. Mary Jo Catlett (Fifi, “Starsky and Hutch are Guilty” and Terrible Tessie, “Omaha Tiger“) is Starsky’s brother has been busy. John Herzfeld, the voice of Mrs. Poppy Puff in the SpongeBob who played Nicholas Marvin Starsky, won the SquarePants movie & TV show 1998 DGA Award Outstanding Directorial Achievement in Dramatic Specials for Don Robert Tessier (Soldier, “TWAB”) played King: Only in America. Mr. Clean on television commercials. Far importantly, he was a decorated Korean War Michael V. Gazzo (Joe Durniak in “The Set- veteran who was awarded a Purple Heart Up”), was also a screenwriter. He penned the and a Silver Star. critically acclaimed A Hatful of Rain (1957) and also King Creole (1958), which starred Elvis Marki Bey (Minnie Kaplan, various Presley. episodes) played the lead role in the 1974 film, Sugar Hill, a cult classic among Charles Napier (John Brown Harris, “Texas blaxploitation film fans. Her co-star was Longhorn”) appeared on Dr. Phil (2002) with Don Pedro Colley, who played Papa his wife to discuss his obsession with being Theodore of Playboy Island. In Sugar Hill, famous. his character was Baron Samedi, a voodoo priest known as The Lord of the Dead. Film Amanda McBroom (Det. Lizzie Thorpe, posters suggest that Papa Theodore and “Discomania”) won the 1980 Golden Globe Baron Samedi shopped at the same stores. Best Original Song/Motion Picture for the song “The Rose,” recorded by Bette Midler. To learn Chuck McCann (Wally Stone, “Murder on more about the song’s origin, check out her Stage 17”) is the voice of the cuckoo bird in website: http://www.amcbroom.com/ the Cocoa Puffs commercials.

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Blackie Dammett (Sugar, “Huggy Bear and the Turkey” & Charles Deek, “Murder Ward”) is the father of Anthony Kiedis of Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Meeno Peluce (Guy Mayer, “The Crying Child”) is the half-brother of Soleil Moon Frye and Sean Frye. He later became a high school history teacher.

Toni Lamond (Ruth Willoughby, “Murder on Stage 17”) is the half-sister of actress Helen Reddy.

Ann Prentiss (Mrs. Carston, “Ninety Pounds of Trouble” & “The Trap”) is the sister of actress Paula Prentiss. FAMOUS FAMILIES Lana Wood (Ella, “Running” and Sid Lisa Mordente (Mickey, “Bust Amboy”) is the Archer, “Ninety Pounds of Trouble”) is the daughter of Broadway legend Chita Rivera and sister of Natalie Wood. director Tony Mordente.

Hilary Thompson (Laura Anderson/Allison Doodles Weaver (Eddie Hoyle, “Bounty May, “TWAB”) is the daughter of Sada Hunter” and “Gillian”) is Sigourney Thompson. Weaver’s uncle.

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Best of the Net Damn Fine Stories From the Internet

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What if The eyes I looked into every morning Were yours— Not sapphire blue? (Blue as the border where sky and ocean meet Blue as the edge of the welding torch flame) What if I looked into eyes that hadn’t seen All the good and bad times we’ve had And loved me anyway? Eyes that never turned away Even when things got rough? Even when I got rough?

What if The hair I ran my fingers through Was yours— Instead of living liquid light? (Gold as sunshine on the beach at dawn Gold as all the future he gave up) What if I touched someone who didn’t know me Who hadn’t been there all the time Who didn’t understand the nightmares? Two lives wrapped up together— Gingham dog and calico cat— All tied together with gold and iron knots.

What if The hands that claimed me Held something other Than a Magnum? (Hands strong enough to fight the grave for me Hands gentle enough to soothe a frightened child) What if I didn’t feel calluses and scars, All the little nicks and marks that life leaves Just like the ones I’ve got? Hands that never let me down, Never let me fall. Maybe sometimes they should have.

I wouldn’t trade—I swear, not ever. There’s lots of girls, but a man only gets one partner, Only gets one chance at me and thee. But still Sometimes I wonder:

What if I had met you first?

—by Verlaine

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Sweet Revenge

By Suz TM

There are a thousand stories I could tell you. presence that brought him back. My love for But this is the only one I want to tell you. The him, or possibly his love for me, forced back only one I want to believe in. the black door of death and kept him in this world. Kept him with me. The only one I can believe in. That’s the most important part. Starsky lived. The only one that holds my heart and keeps me That day in the hospital Starsky lived. And sane. from that springs the rest of the story. Gunther. William……Gunther. Land baron, Starsky died. Or he was dead, when I got to business tycoon, community leader, drug lord. him. And then he came to life, right in front of A man who couldn’t separate the moral from my eyes. Dobey called it a miracle. So did the mythical, and chose to enhance his Huggy. They both implied it was my physical holdings and his power and his ego by

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 219 whatever means offered the quickest and most tissue and shattered bone. One bullet shot lucrative route. through Starsky’s chest, hitting nothing of I took him down. importance, missing everything of consequence, But I get ahead of myself. and moving straight on till morning. Another entered through Starsky’s back, hit his sternum

dead center, took a sideways turn, and exited through his right arm pit. And yet another A Race to Stop the Bleeding pierced Starsky’s lower back, punctured his large intestine, ripped through a vital nerve, and exited near his right pelvic bone. It’s not like you see in the movies. This was the bullet that started the bleeding, as At first, Starsky was very quiet. Just lying on it passed through the area where large blood the pavement, waiting for the ambulance, but vessels carry blood between the torso and the much more patiently than I. In fact, he was the legs. peaceful eye of the storm spiraling around him; officers and civilians and medical personnel, Starsky probably felt nothing inside his body, sirens and screamers and shallow breathing. I but outside, he would have felt cold. was part of the spiral, begging and pleading Everyone kept telling him to stay awake, try to and flailing and commanding and ultimately stay awake, but I knew it was my voice that waiting for….xxxxxx. would make it happen, my voice that would Some of what I’m going to describe I learned give him the lifeline to hang on to. So calmly, afterward, when the doctors explained to me so quietly, so directly did I urge him to stay the entirety of what had taken place. But these awake stay awake stay awake that he stayed are the facts, as they happened: awake…. Starsky was pale, his skin clammy, and his The scary part of blood loss is that it shuts body thrashing by the time he was rolled into down the body in stages, because there’s not the emergency room. My brain preferred to enough oxygen to feed the body, and the brain diagnose this as life, movement of the body needs that oxygen. So the body sacrifices other toward survival, a struggle to live. But it was organs to preserves the brain. The skin, the really the final stages of bleeding to death. muscles, the kidneys…that’s why Starsky felt Barely a liter of blood left to travel from vein cold. But his brain was still warm. And to artery. A body bled dry. Death throes. fighting. If Starsky could have told the tale, when the Starsky had that sickly pallor, the moist skin, bullets hit, he would have said he felt several what I knew to be the “death look” I’d seen so brief, sharp pains in his upper body, and then many times in victims and prey. He was suddenly found himself lying on the ground struggling on the table, trying to sit up, of all next to his car. His leg would have gone numb, things. This was his body’s last struggle as it and he might have heard my voice, or he might lost oxygen to the brain. A sign his body not have. But I know, even with his panic sensed death was near and was reflexively rising, he would have willed himself to stay battling it. calm, willed himself to stay with me, willed himself to stay alive. Even in wound shock, Starsky was unconscious, but his body fought that release of endorphins to mask the pain and on, speaking incoherently. The words were start the body protecting itself, even then, he gibberish, but I understood them. would have reached out to stay with me. “I love you. Get me out of this. I love you.” Three bullets entered Starsky’s body; three The doctors acted quickly. Nineteen minutes exited. In between was left a swath of shredded had already passed, leaving only 41 minutes of

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the “golden hour” in which they had the best I would have given my blood, but I couldn’t, chance to save Starsky’s life. Nurses cut away my partner and I don’t match. So 10 liters his clothes even as they had to hold him down. came from total strangers, 10 liters to fill up the 80% of his body’s fluid that had been lost, I don’t think I hurt anyone in my efforts to stay 10 liters of machine-infused life. But even that close to Starsky, I only remember I was there wasn’t good enough, if you know anything as the nurse splashed iodine on his pale skin. about blood. Machine-infused blood won’t Almost no anesthesia; he was too close to clot, and it strains the immune system. If the death already. I wanted to brush the hair off his surgeon didn’t find and repair the crucial forehead, and the thought bothered me: Starsky vessel, the non-clotting blood would start to needed people who could cut into his body and seep everywhere, thinned to the consistency of repair it, and here I wanted to stroke his skin Hawaiian Punch. The downward spiral that had and reassure him. What good was that? been suspended would begin again, the body Somehow a surgeon had been commandeered; dying, in part from cold. he cut a long slit into Starsky’s abdominal wall I didn’t want Starsky to be cold. I wanted him and stuffed sponge after sponge into Starsky’s warm, his body to be warm, to warm him abdominal cavity. Clamps appeared and myself. But stroking foreheads and warming clutched. I knew the surgeon was simply trying limbs wouldn’t stop the spiral. to stop the bleeding. Because if he didn’t do Finally, the surgeon found the shiny, slippery that, nothing else would matter. stub of vein. He found it, he lost it, he found it again; it was only the size of a slender I found I could only watch if I maneuvered woman’s pinky finger and hard to grasp, myself so I couldn’t see Starsky’s face. I can impossible to tug on. Curtains of blood hid it; do anything if I can’t see a person’s face. No it almost seemed to be purposely evading the face, no person. No person, no Starsky. It was clamp. just a body on the table. And I could breathe And then, forty minutes into the nightmare, the and I could watch. surgeon captured the torn vessel and clamped The surgeon peeled back the pink membrane the bleeding. And it was done. lining the abdominal cavity. He cut the Except for the bone fragments and the tear punctured colon loose and flipped it over to see sewings and the general trauma to all the other underneath. A jelly-like mound of lost blood organs and the blood not clotting and the lay quivering inside the cavity, about the size continued seepage of blood from a thousand of a softball. More blood was pooling around microscopic stoma. And the colon had leaked the mound, making a hissing noise as it into the abdomen. spurted. The surgeon clamped the aorta, hoping But: that was enough. But it wasn’t. Starsky was alive and he was fighting and no The blood continued to pool. So the surgeon matter how many tubes transected his body I hunted for another tear. And he found it, or at could touch him. least he found the reason for it. The top half of And as long as I could touch him I could touch the severed iliac vein was flapping loosely in reality. the pelvic recess. But the bottom half had retracted into the bowl of the pelvis. So the surgeon and the nurses used sponge- A Race to Stop the Evil holding forceps to hunt for the essential piece of tissue. As they searched for the fragile Follow the money. stump of vein, the blood continued to flow, Everyone knows that. That’s why there are even as it was vacuumed up, warmed, cleaned, money launderers, to disguise the origins of the and returned the body. cash, to hide its sire.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 221 Who pays the lawyer? Who pays the the way it was when she was just a kid on the chauffeur? Who pays the butler who brings streets. She would have been a real find, the your coffee and your tea? Find the final hand person to have on the stand, the person to offering the cash, and you’ve found the one testify as to who gave whom what, and when, who controls empire. and where. As it was, all we got from her was a There are basically two ways to follow the connection, lawyer to law-disabider. Enough, money: Follow the paper trail, or follow the but not enough; instead of fists I showed her I gossip. I followed the paper trail. Miles of pulp should have offered my hand. Let the D.A. that linked bank account to check number, wire scare her into protective custody. transaction to time zone, SEC filing to Public But still. Notice of Filing. The cross-referencing alone We found the connections. was mind-numbing. Which was what I wanted. There’s always someone who’ll do anything Keep my body going but numb my mind to the for money or the like, especially here in unopened eyes on the 3rd floor of Cedars. I was Hollywood. So there was no lack of people convinced that once I worked my way through ready to take me down as Huggy and I chased the dot-matrix maze of printouts it would lead our separate trails. Funnily enough, no one to the Azure City—Starsky’s open eyes. tried to take out Huggy. Just me and Starsky. It Huggy—now he followed the gossip. That was was known Huggy was a known associate of his venue and his value. Not that he wasn’t a ours; it just didn’t matter. So the two of us (me friend, but I didn’t need friends. I needed and Starsk, not me and Hug), were the targets. allies. Huggy didn’t just hear things through And of course later, we learned why we were the grapevine, he was the grapevine. For targets. Take down a drug route, make yourself instance: an enemy. Old fashioned vengeance. Mess Foxy Brown. with me and I’ll hurt you. Top black model. Covers of Ebony and Jet, Oh yeah. fashion photo shoots, even a spot on that You’d think protecting Starsky would have toothpaste commercial, way in the back, in the been easy; cops on every corner of the hospital last row of beach bunnies. Can’t miss her, she’s the only dark face on the beach. Huggy floor, weapons at the ready. Unless you’re a knew her. How? She hung on the streets before dumb cop to whom it didn’t occur that a hit she hit it big, and he tried to shield her from man might be impersonating an orderly. the streets. Or at least warn her of their danger. Eventually we had to move Starsky to another Of course, back then, she was a he. More or floor, of a totally different hospital, and create less. Less of a penis, more of an enlarged lists of who and who could not go into clitoris. Not a lot of body hair, ever. Later on, Starsky’s room. And keep track of where the some hormone shots and silicone shots and a medications came from, and who had access to lecherous photographer that used to frequent them. And on and on and on. Huggy’s bar led to that moment of “being Me, all I had to do was watch my back and discovered”—or at least that moment of “you make sure my Magnum was loaded. And do this for me or I’ll tell your wife.” believe it or not, I was a harder target, because She was plugged into that business of money I was a moving target. If Starsky had moved laundering. Taking the money from one when I yelled at him in the parking lot, well— business to another, one businessman to but I was a moving target, and therefore harder another, one country to another. In exchange, to hit. she got to keep some of the cash, have some I didn’t go home at all those first two weeks. I fun, and rub some people’s noses in her shit, just cleaned up at Huggy’s, who always instead her being rubbed in their shit, which is seemed to have a change of clothes available.

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Food wasn’t easy, but I got down cold and A Race to Stop the Dying fruity things if they were forced upon me. I couldn’t manage anything heavier or hotter. And really, all I wanted was whatever would I spent a lot of time sitting besides Starsky’s keep my body moving. As long as my eyes bed. Or at least it was the time left when I could focus on the flow charts Minnie handed wasn’t following the money. He was so pale me, I was satisfied. And as long as my legs for so long. I convinced myself he was could take me from informant to informant, I ignoring me in order to concentrate on his was pleased. body, healing each cell one by one, unable to break his concentration even for one second or Have you heard of straw corporations? Those lose his place and have to start over. And we are entities that hide the true ownership of a both knew we’d rather he heal sooner, rather corporation behind another. Like money than risk a moment of conscious connection laundering. Only it’s business laundering. But I and delay the cure. followed the links from business to business, sale to merger, corporate takeover to I wanted, so badly, for Starsky to wake up and bankruptcy court. And eventually certain tell me everything was all right. I wanted him names and certain transactions lifted to be all right, so I would be all right. I wanted themselves off the page and became a chart him to feel better, and I wanted to feel better, unto themselves. too. Stop my stomach pains and the heart palpitations and the dizziness and the There’s always a marriage certificate or birth sweatiness and the emptiness inside of my gut. certificate somewhere that reveals a bloodline. It was horrendous, this chasm, this abyss; an There’s always a file cabinet somewhere that itch from the inside out, a need to jump out of holds a record of that secret transaction. And my skin, to get away from myself and have you have to love this about human beings: they someone else take care of my irritated body never do what they’re told and destroy all the while my soul found a quiet place to sit and be evidence or not tell anyone what they’ve done still. So with my map of the corporate structure, and I couldn’t be still! I wanted to be still, but I my human chain of informants, I was able to couldn’t. I wanted to stop feeling this constant get an arrest warrant. urge to shift and twitch and find a new place to Well, not an arrest warrant. A search warrant. sit and shuffle and get rid of this barrenness And it really had nothing to do with the inside my skin and just make it all go away attempts on Starsky’s life or mine. It turned out and be different! that one of Foxy’s model friends occasionally MAKE IT GO AWAY AND BE DIFFERENT! partied with a few other girls at the Playboy No Starsky no bullets no hospital no clotting no Mansion, who sometimes ended up dating infections no bad guys no conspiracies no invited guests, who knew some businessmen impossibilities. who worked at one of those straw corporations, No having to pray for what I couldn’t do, make who had been wined and dined at the Gunther Starsky well. Mansion, and then desserted with cocaine It was the pain of that dichotomy that split my served on silver trays with the monogram soul. A few days before, Starsky was a finely WHG, of which one was actually witnessed constructed physical specimen of a man. being handled and snorted by WHG himself. Tanned smooth, soft skin. You might not think So the warrant was to search for drugs and so soft, but it was supple, warm and drug paraphernalia. comforting to the touch. As was his touch, I just got lucky when I stumbled across a dead when he chose to make it so, soft and warm guy in Gunther’s office. and comforting. Manicured nails, which you

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 223 wouldn’t expect of him, and if I revealed he heart. I’m not even sure his heart totally had pedicures as well, he’d break my neck with stopped. those manicured hands. All I know is that when I got there, he didn’t Solid muscle shown through that wonderful die. skin, lightly outlined, bespeaking strength and He lived. His eyes opened, and his nose power and potency. He could move fast, or twitched, and he lived. slow, be quick, or lingering, be invisible, or imposing. Whatever he wanted, whatever he needed, whatever I needed to be safe. A Race to Stop the Injustice What I needed.

What I wanted. Cyanide’s not pretty. That’s what was found in Alive Starsky. the teacup formerly held by Attorney XXX. A live Starsky. What was found in the offsite files of Attorney A live Starsky in my arms…. XXX was much prettier, to say the least. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know Seems he’d kept duplicates and triplicates of everything that had crossed his desk, as well as what you got till it's gone? They paved recordings of office and phone conversations, paradise and put up a parking lot. and a simply-coded address book of those Or shot you down on it. kinds of people who would do anything for There were maybe—maybe—two roads ahead. money. One where Starsky lived, and one where he Now mind you, even with a case like this, with died. But what I really wanted to do was go the truth spilling out of files and transcripts and back and re-pave the road we’d already been financial records and actual living bodies driving on. Make it a road that I’d been the somehow convinced to sit in the witness stand driver on, not been the passenger on. Where I and corroborate the chain of evidence—it took wasn’t afraid to take the road less taken. Where years to adjudicate. Motion after motion after I didn’t worry about who thought what of locomotion….enough lawyers to circle the whom or spend precious time sussing out the earth twice. risks and rewards of this action or that. And in the meantime, did Gunther quit doing I wished I’d felt instead of thought. I wished what he was doing? Not on his life. He just I’d closed the door and drawn the drapes and switched his distribution routes and changed said to hell with the rest of the world this is his distributors and hid the whole operation what I want in my own private soul. I wished much better. And his lawyers professed his I’d at least pushed for paradise. innocence and came up with reason after story Found out if he wanted it, too. after fairy tale to explain how WHG had been framed and railroaded and falsely accused of I wasn’t sure what would be worse: Starsky’s such dastardly deeds. body dying, or my soul dying after his body went. But in the end… I’m not going to go into the Code Blue …sometimes… Catastrophe. That’s about as close as I can get The good guys win. to it, giving it an official title. Needless to say I And enough witnesses stayed alive to testify blame the hospital for not keeping Starsky and enough documents couldn’t be infection free and keeping his blood clotting misinterpreted and enough jurors could be properly and not monitoring the strain on his protected to hand down a verdict of GUILTY.

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A Race to Stop the Deceit What it finally, finally took was a cool, late summer evening, when the smog created a spectacular sunset we watched expire from the Some injuries look minimal, but are fatal in the roof of our building. Two lawn chairs, two extreme. Others look horrendous, but are easily bottles of beer, two changed men. And Starsky repaired. began to talk about family, his mother and his Starsky’s injuries were somewhere in the father and his brother. And how his father’s middle. Once you got past the almost bleeding death, and his brother’s illness, and his forced to death, he hadn’t been hurt that badly. move to relatives out here made him wonder That badly. where his place in his family was. And how he He actually went home after three weeks. slowly discovered he could create his own Starsky dropped a few pounds, well, from 185 family, pick a father-figure from over here, to 145. He could only take liquids at first. That pick a mother-figure from over there, pick a and the lethargy that landed on top of him after brother-figure from any number of places. all that had befallen his body. You just don’t Starsky talked of learning to look deep into jump up and walk away from that kind of other people, to understand what made them do insult to your organs. But bless his stomach, what they did, what made them act in ways that his appetite never suffered, and when he finally seemed horrible or destructive or incredibly self- was able to eat, he did. sacrificing. And how he learned that doing this It was really his leg that took the worst of the made him feel good, how it made him feel he shooting. It took Starsky four-and-a-half understood his place amongst these people months to lose the cane after the nerve damage. better. It took us a while, but we found swimming was And finally, he talked of how all this learning a better therapy than jogging or running. had helped him understand himself. And he Of course, the best therapy of all was being felt best about himself when he did what he alive. knew to be right, and true, and the rest of the world be damned. Fresh starts and new chances don’t come every day. And as some people like to say, when a And then he reached over and took my hand door closes, a window opens. and held it. I watched Starsky recover for nearly a year And I broke down into tears. before I knew I had to also heal myself. I And Starsky just kept tight to my hand as I let thought him just being alive would still the loose of months and years of fear and pain and anxiety in my soul. I hoped it would, but I uncertainty and helplessness and rage and knew it wouldn’t. anger and relief. It wasn’t as hard as I anticipated. We were And when the torrent had become a trickle we living together, at first for Starsky’s health, and stood up and he held me in the dark, on the top then because neither of us brought up changing of that roof, and took the weight of my body the arrangement. Neither of us. I took that as a and my soul and held it so I could find pure good sign. release, even if only for those few moments. And while touchy-feely had been our modus Starsky ran his fingers along the nape of my operandi since almost the first day we met, neck and smoothed my hair and comforted me. adding some physical therapy in the form of He rubbed my back and held me so tight the massage wasn’t worth even a word between world became invisible and superfluous. And either of us. he kissed my neck and ear until I laughed

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 225 delightedly and I could feel his answering A Race to Stop the Deceit Part 2 laughter through my body. We left the chairs and the bottles on the roof, I like this story. That’s why I told it to you. and supported each other down the stairs and This story keeps me alive and functioning back to our apartment. Once inside the door and sane. Just thinking of Starsky’s lopsided our lips found each others, so soft, so novel, so grin, his beatific smile, his desiring eyes, unbelievably sweet. Nerve endings that no lightens my world. woman had ever stimulated sprang to life, This could have been a story of terrible carrying electric currents to my brain. For the sadness. I could have told of Gunther’s escape. first time my fingers and palms could explore How he managed to avoid a murder charge Starsky’s body as an object of pleasure instead because his butler admitted to poisoning of as a biological mechanism. Instead of whatshisname. How he kept his name from knowing which area of leg needed being tied to any of the nefarious undertakings rehabilitation, I discovered which area of leg of which he was accused. How witnesses produced a long, low moan. disappeared, documents went missing, and And best of all, I discovered how to take lawyers laid down a smoke-screen so thick it Starsky off this mortal coil and send him to the even bested L.A.’s smog. upper reaches of the atmosphere. The story might have included Gunther turning his lawyers against me. How he When you love someone, you want to show accused me of assault and brutality before I let them. Words mean nothing without actions to the other officers into his office when I went to back them up. You want them to feel the way serve him. How he manipulated certain police you do, you want them filled with the same chiefs and captains into banishing me from the inexpressible joy you feel. force. How his civil suits bankrupted me. So I took his cock in my hand, holding it And it could have been a story of medical gently, then firmly, then unyieldingly. I stroked horrors, where Starsky lived through my thumb over the head, ran my finger up and everything Gunther threw at him, but down the sensitive vein underneath, brushed succumbed to a simple staph infection acquired my palm up and over and around its length. through shoddy hospital practices. I swirled my tongue around its circumference, Finally, it could have been a tale told by an then blew on it to watch it quiver. I took him idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying a rage deep into my mouth and sucked him to rigidity, so overwhelming that it lead to a clean shot then released him and watched the tease through William Gunther’s head, in the privacy become torment as I massaged his balls and of his own bedroom, which I had quite ignored his cock. gracefully infiltrated. And in the idiot’s tale I And I wrapped my hand around his aching would have stood trial for Murder One, and penis and pumped and stroked, listening with been convicted, and sentenced to life for the great pleasure to his moans and groans and sake of the life I took, who had taken my life sighs and whimpers, until he grabbed at me from me. desperately and I took him once more in my But that isn’t the story I want to tell. mouth and sucked and swirled and withstood I told you the only one I wanted to tell you. his heat until his release left us both exhausted The only one I want to believe in. and drained, the old world shattered and the The only one I can believe in. new world more beautiful than either of us The only one that holds my heart and keeps could have ever imagined. me sane.

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Broken Glass

By Lola

“Know what I wonder?” Starsky asks. that? I place the spoon back in the bowl and “Nothing would surprise me,” I reply pick up the fresh peach I’ve been nibbling on. dryly. Sighing, I take a bite and stare at the passing “Just who invented cottage cheese traffic out the window of the small diner. anyway?” my ever-curious partner asks and “Well?” Starsky says through another takes a bite of his cheeseburger. “And, more mouthful of burger. importantly, how did they know when they ”Well, what?” were done?” “Ever think about it?” Spoonful of cottage cheese suspended mid- Mockingly, I shake my head. “No, Starsk. I air, I open my mouth to say something, but the guess I’m just not that inquisitive.” words simply won’t come. Starsky’s logic “Uh-huh.” Starsky wipes the corner of his often leaves me at a loss for words, and this is mouth with his disgusting, wadded up, no exception. How can I possibly argue with ketchup-stained napkin.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 227 “Know what I wonder?” I say and lean in The waitress comes over and he begins close. turning on the old Starsky charm. Poor girl is “What?” His curiosity always gets the best falling for it, too. She’ll probably be another of him. notch on the David Starsky headboard before “How one man can eat so much crap and the month’s up. I’m sure I’ll be dragged in here still manage to function on a daily basis.” A day after day until he finally lands a date with satisfied smile on my face, I place the spoonful her. She is pretty—tall redhead, gorgeous of cottage cheese in my mouth, pulling the green eyes. And she seems nice enough. I can empty spoon back out with an exaggerated see their children now. Curly-topped Irish Jews swipe. with lopsided smiles, wearing waitress caps Starsky snorts. “Well, at least I’m not and blue Adidas sneakers, reciting endless eating curdled milk.” trivial facts about things nobody gives two “No, fried, greasy animal carcass is much shits about. The image makes me smirk. better for you.” I answer sharply. “Thank you, Lily,” Starsky says, reading “Whatever,” Starsky says, rolling his eyes her nametag. “It was great. And the service as he pops the last of the burger into his mouth. wasn’t all that bad either, schweetheart. Keep “Whatever,” I mock him. the change.” He waggles his eyebrows and God, will this day ever end? It’s been one hands her some money. of those days with Starsky. There’s always “Thank you,” she says, smiling and batting something on his mind. Always something to her eyes. One, two, three—oh, there it is. The giggle. God, why do girls fall for that yammer about, endlessly, on and on, until I ‘schweetheart’ crap? think I’m gonna scream. Starsky can be so ”Are you ready?” I ask him. damned irritating when he wants to be. Some He glares at me out of the corner of his days I just want to know, why me? How did I eye. “Give me a minute,” he says through get stuck with a living, breathing version of gritted teeth. “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” for a partner? And “Well, I’ll be in the car, should you decide where does he come up with these things you’d like to get back to work at some point.” I anyway? He’s as busy as I am, and I certainly get up from the table and leave the diner. don’t have time to sit and ponder about the I step outside and take a deep breath full of world’s biggest tumor. smog. There, sitting across the street, is the “You know, you’ve been grouchy all day. other source of my discontent. That damned What’s eatin’ at ya anyway?” he asks me. car. Big, gaudy, hideous overripe tomato with OK, now he’s just pushing my buttons. He the glaring white stripe. Tires he can’t afford, knows perfectly well what’s eating at me—he waxed and polished until the glare hurts your is. eyes. I swear, if that car and me were both “Nothing,” I say. sinking into the ocean, he’d do everything he “Bull,” he says back. could to save it before he’d even think about “Just let it be,” I warn him. Might as well throwing me a life preserver. Oh, come on, talk to the wall. Hutchinson, you know that’s not true. He’d “Well, if I have to spend another three crawl across broken glass for you and you hours with Mr. Grumpy 1978, I’d like to know know it. God, what is wrong with me anyway? what’s going on in that big blond head of his.” Why am I so frigging irritated lately? “Just let it be,” I say it slower, more I cross the street and yank open the deliberate, in a tone I think he’ll understand. Torino’s door. I flop down in the passenger’s “All right.” He sighs at me. seat and look back at the diner. He’s still in

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there, smiling, mouth going a mile a minute. “You got it,” I say and look back through Not a stupid care in the world. Lily is laughing the windshield. and writing on her notepad. She tears off the “Boy, I’ll sure be glad when I drop you off sheet and gives it to him. Mission tonight, Mr. Breath of Fresh Air,” he says and accomplished. Well, maybe I won’t be dragged pulls into traffic. here anytime soon. Especially not after he “Not any happier than I’ll be, Mr. Can’t drops her for some other waitress, or Even Have Lunch Without Hitting on stewardess, or secretary or female construction Everything in a Skirt.” There. That’ll get him. worker. Too bad. I could almost stomach their “Jealous?” he smirks. food, although I’d never admit it to him. “Nope. Just embarrassed.” The words had He comes bounding out of the diner and barely left my mouth before the regret set in. practically dances across the street. Lily is “Embarrassed about what?” Now his watching him as she takes an older couple’s eyebrows are raised. order. He pauses before getting in the car and “Starsky…” I don’t want to go there, waves at her. She shyly returns the wave and Starsk. Please take the hint. he climbs inside, humming. I just stare straight He’s never been very good at taking hints, ahead and say nothing. The humming stops except when we’re working, of course. “No, and I can see out of the corner of my eye he’s no. You said it. Go on, spit it out. I embarrass looking at me. you?” “Know what?” he asks. “Forget it, will ya?” “I know lots of things,” I answer. He shakes his head. “No, I won’t forget it, “She’s got a friend,” he says. Hutch. Do I embarrass you?” I continue not to look at him. “Well, good I look at him questioningly for a moment. for her. We all need friends.” Maybe it would do me good to get some things He leans against the door. “No, smart guy, out into the open. “Honestly?” I ask him. she’s got a friend for you. She says she’s really “Honestly.” He nods. pretty and smart. Works for an insurance I shrug. “Sometimes.” company.” “When sometimes?” “How fascinating.” I’m still not looking at I don’t know why exactly, but something in him. the tone of his voice makes the hair on the back “Thought we could double date. Haven’t of my neck stand up. So I let him have it, both done that in a while.” barrels. “Like when you don’t know when to OK, I’ll look at him. “Thank you, but no keep your mouth shut. When you’re rattling off thank you. I’m sure Lily’s insurance company some strange fact that you’ve read in World friend is just the bee’s knees, but I think I’m News Report or hitting on some poor waitress busy that day.” I turn on my most when all you should be doing is having lunch condescending tone. and getting back to work.” He chuffs at me. I hate it when he does “I see,” he says flatly. that. “Suit yourself, Mr. High and Mighty. I shake my head at him, no longer able to Next time I’ll make sure and find you a rocket control my words. “No, Starsky, you don’t see. scientist or brain surgeon or something.” You don’t see yourself at all. You’re just this “How about you try not to let there be a big kid walking around in a man’s body. You ‘next time.’” I raise an eyebrow at him. drive this stupid toy car and wear those He looks at me for a second longer, then crummy Salvation Army clothes. You chase starts the car. “Man, you really are in a bad everything in a skirt. You just don’t care about mood, ain’t ya?” anything that’s important.”

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 229 We’ve hit a red light, so he turns his head huh? You knew I was in no mood for your crap sharply and looks me straight in the eye. “I today, and you just laid it on anyway. I swear, don’t, huh? Like what? What should I care you were just looking for a fight. Well, are you about, Hutch? Health food and looking like I happy now?” just stepped off the cover of GQ? Should I Another red light, only this time he’s not walk around with the weight of the world on looking at me. He’s playing with the hem of my shoulders all the time, biting everybody’s his T-shirt. A T-shirt I bought for him, I head off? Would that not embarrass you?” realize. “No, Hutch, I can honestly say that I The light turns green and he steps hard on am not happy now. I was happy.” He looks the gas, forcing my head back against the seat. away from the shirt and out the window so that I sit up and look at him. “Well, it would help if I’m staring at the back of his bobbing head. you cared about something, instead of just “But you, as usual, just couldn’t have that. No, bouncing around like some big dopey puppy you have to pick at me and say mean things waiting for its master to come home and until I’m just as miserable as you are. I don’t play.” know what your problem is lately, but I’m “You really think I don’t care about pretty damned tired of it, I can tell you that.” anything?” The truth hurts, they say. Sure does, and it “I don’t ever see any evidence of it.” makes me angry all over again. “You’re tired His knuckles turn white on the steering of it? That’s a laugh! You don’t know what wheel. “No, huh? Well, Blondie, maybe you tired is, Gordo, until you’ve driven around all should pull your head out of that tight ass of day in this—this piece of junk listening to…” yours and look around once in a while. I care He slams on the brakes, and we’re not even at about plenty.” a red light. Hey, wait a minute! “Tight ass?” I repeat. He turns in his seat and his eyes roam He smiles smugly and nods. “Yes, tight angrily over my face. “You know what? I got ass. Anybody put a lump of coal up there, your point, Hutch, OK? You don’t have to say they’d have a diamond in about five minutes.” it again. I mean, I know I’m a moron and all, That does it. I’m done feeling bad. He but I understood you the first time. Just drop it asked for this—every last bit of it. “Oh, so just before one of us says something we’re gonna because I have more on my mind than what regret.” motor oil to put in my car or what woman I’m Too late for that, buddy. “Starsky…” I don’t gonna get a blow job from over the weekend, know what I’m about to say. that makes me a tight ass?” He solves that problem for me. “I said to “Pretty much, yeah.” He’s still smiling. drop it,” he says and lets off the brake. He bites That smile is making my blood boil. “Well, his lip and changes lanes. Gripping the steering I’d rather be a tight ass than a moron any day.” wheel harder with his right hand, he rests his It was a crummy thing to say, but it makes me chin on his left. He has that look in his eye, the feel good—for a second anyway. The silence one he gets when someone has hurt his that follows makes me feel anything but good. feelings. Lately, I’ve been the one responsible His low and flat voice breaks the silence. for that look, a fact I’m not overly proud of. “Moron, huh? That’s what you really think of I look away from him and stare out the me?” passenger window, wondering just what Suddenly, I don’t feel quite so smart. exactly is wrong with me anyway. Why have I “Starsky, I…” For some reason the apology been so mean to him? I want to tell him I’m won’t come, so I light into him again. “God, sorry, that I know I haven’t been very pleasant. Starsk, why couldn’t you just leave it alone, I want to tell him I don’t know what’s wrong,

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and I want him to tell me that it’s all right. I must have realized the police were on the way, want him to tell me some silly joke and then because he literally threw her out the door, I’ll laugh and he’ll laugh and it’ll all be OK followed by three of her children. There’s a again. I want anything right now but this fourth child, a six-year-old girl, still inside. damned uncomfortable silence. But what I “Please, get my baby!” the woman cries. want to do and what I actually do have been “What’s the guy’s name?” Starsky asks. two different things lately. So instead I just “Ba-Basil.” continue to sit there, drumming my fingers on “Does he have a gun?” my knee, hoping that the next few hours pass “No, no, he doesn’t.” as quickly as possible so that I can just go “Which apartment?” I ask. home and try to clear my head. The lady points at the door across the hall. The sudden crackle of the radio startles us Starsky glances over his shoulder at me and we both. “All units, all units in the vicinity of move, in unison, toward the door. I look back Turner and Vine, domestic disturbance at the lady and whisper, “Stay there.” She nods reported at 3806 Turner. Please respond.” and gathers her children closer. We both reach for the microphone. He “Basil?” Starsky calls out as he raps on the pulls his hand back first, so I take it. “Zebra 3, door with the barrel of his gun. “Basil, it’s the we are in the area and responding.” police. Open the door.” “Roger, Zebra 3. Approach with caution. There’s a lot of incoherent babbling Possible hostage situation.” coming from inside the apartment. We can hear “10-4. ETA…” I glance at him. the sobs of a small child. Starsky looks at me “Three minutes,” he says, looking at his questioningly. “Think we should we go in?” watch. he’s asking me with his eyes. I nod and take “Three minutes,” I repeat into the mike and the safety off my gun. hang it back in its holder. “Basil, open the door now!” Starsky gives I slap the Mars light on the roof and him one more warning. There’s no response. Starsky hits the siren. We arrive in less than Knowing it’s locked, Starsky steps back and three minutes. He slides the car to a stop. That kicks at the door. The second kick causes the familiar brief second between us before we door to fly open and the door jam splinters. I enter a dangerous situation happens—the one immediately crouch in the doorway, with where our eyes lock and he gives me a small Starsky hovering above me, his gun pointing to nod and I give him a slight smile. Translation: the left, mine to the right. “Don’t get hurt.” I don’t know when it started, Seeing nothing but a lot of broken furniture it’s probably always been there—I’m just and glass, we both move in. We follow the damn glad it’s there today. sounds of Basil’s murmuring and the little We’re the first on the scene. Starsky girl’s crying down a narrow hallway, creeping bounds into the building before me and is met with our backs against opposite walls. We in the lobby by a hysterical woman surrounded reach the bedroom and Starsky springs through by three crying children. Her lip is split open the doorway, gun drawn. I remain in the and a black eye has already begun. The hallway, watching Starsky’s expression in children, all varying ages, appear to be order to evaluate what my next move should physically unharmed. I stand behind Starsky be. and listen as she explains her ex-boyfriend, a Starsky’s eyes widen and dart around the heroin junkie, busted into her apartment and room as he goes in farther. I move across the began trashing the place looking for money. hallway and slowly step into the room as well. When she tried to stop him, he beat her up. He Starsky and I exchange a quick glance as we

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 231 both take in the scene. Huddled in the corner Basil laughs. “What, you think I’m stupid? between the bed and the dresser is perhaps the I put her down, you’ll both shoot me before biggest man I’ve ever seen in my life, I’m out the door. You think I don’t know approximately 6’8” and well over three there’s cops crawling all over the place by hundred pounds. The small girl he’s holding in now? You think I don’t know they’ll kill me if front of him looks like a doll in comparison to I even stick my head out this apartment? No, his large frame. Her bare feet flail in the air as she’s coming with me!” he holds her out away from him, not offering He was right. Both Starsky and I had to give her up, but using her as a shield. noticed out the bedroom window at least one “Don’t come any closer!” he yells at us. black and white that was parked in the street. “Put the guns down or I’ll snap her neck, I There were probably officers in the living swear to God!” room, waiting to take Basil once he emerged “All right, all right,” Starsky says softly. from the bedroom. Our job was to make sure He releases his grip on his gun and lets it fall he didn’t leave the room with that little girl in lax in his hand. his arms. “Put it down!” Basil screams. Starsky steps back even farther and I can Starsky raises his right hand in the air, feel what he’s thinking. If he lets Basil by, he crouches and places his gun on the floor. can hit him from behind, hopefully loosening Raising his left hand as well, he rises and gives his grip on the girl. In the meantime, I’ll grab me a quick glance. He takes a step forward as I her and get her out into the living room to the lower my gun, letting it rest by my side. other officers. I take a slight step closer to our “It’s all right, honey,” Starsky says softly guns, hoping to be able to grab them and the to the crying child as he continues to move girl at the same time. Starsky is going to be closer to her and Basil. “It’s gonna be all alone wrestling with this monster while I’m right.” Her frightened blue eyes dart back and getting the girl out, and the last thing I want is forth between Starsky and I, and I nod my head for Basil to have access to a weapon. Starsky is in reassurance. tough, but he’s not going to be any match for “Basil, give us the little girl,” Starsky this giant. He’s gonna get roughed up, I know, pleads softly. before I get back, but I’d rather see him with a “Don’t come any closer!” Basil yells, bloody nose than a bullet hole. jerking the girl back to his chest and wrapping Suddenly, Basil’s attention turns to me. his hand around her throat. “I’ll do it! You let me outta here or I’ll kill her, I swear!” “You let me outta here!” he yells and begins to “OK, OK,” Starsky says and steps to the move toward the door. Luckily, clearing out of side. his way puts me one step closer to our guns. Basil begins to move out of the corner, then But this is going to happen faster than I stops as he notices the gun still in my hand. thought it would. Basil is moving quicker and “You put it down!” he yells, and his grip not as cautiously as I had anticipated. tightens on the little girl’s throat. She gasps Basil makes it halfway to the door when and her eyes widen. I exchange one final brief Starsky takes a giant step and leaps on his glance with Starsky, and I gently lower my gun back, landing a knee in his kidney. At the same to the floor as well. time, I jump forward and grab the little girl as “You let me outta here!” Basil shouts Basil lets go of her and reaches over his head again. and grabs Starsky by the shoulders. I scoop the “OK, OK,” I say. “We’ll let you out, Basil. child under one arm and manage to bend over Just put her down.” and grab at least my gun before I dive out the

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door with her. As I dart down the hall, I get a weakly and grab his arms, my effort to pull glimpse of Starsky being thrown over Basil’s him away useless. Darkness begins to tinge my head like a rag doll and landing headfirst into a vision, and I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to vanity, the sound of the shattering glass remain conscious. I glance over his shoulder echoing throughout the apartment. through the bedroom door to take one last look I run down the hall with the little girl at Starsky. My vision blurs, then comes into screaming under my arm. The uniforms were focus again, as I realize Starsky is not lying by not in the living room like I had hoped, but I the vanity any longer. I watch as his broken can see them in the hallway with the mother. I form slithers weakly across the shards of glass, put the little girl down and bellow at her to run. his left hand outstretched toward his gun. She’s too panicked to move, so she simply lies The darkness that’s threatening to overtake on the floor and continues to shriek. me continues to get closer and closer and it’s “Somebody come get the girl!” I yell at the becoming more difficult to focus. I see officers and wait just one split second for them Starsky’s shaky hand finally get a feeble grip to move. on the gun and his broken body slowly rolls Certain they’ll get her, I run back down the over onto its backside. A thunderous explosion hall, my gun cocked and ready. I jump through echoes in my ears and the grip loosens from the doorway, praying that Basil hasn’t my throat. My body slides down the wall and retrieved Starsky’s gun. Somehow an odd thuds against the hard floor as the comfort of relief overtakes me as I see that the gun is lying unconsciousness finally envelops me. right where it was left. Basil is hovering over Starsky’s limp body, muttering obscenities as ~oOo~ he draws his gigantic boot back and lands a blow to his abdomen. Starsky’s lack of “Sergeant Hutchinson?” I can hear the response frightens me as much as if I’d seen words being repeated over and over and feel a Basil place a bullet directly in his head. I take a light slap on my cheek. A blurry face appears moment to assess my partner’s condition. He’s as I slowly open my eyes. Where the hell am I? lying in shards of broken glass from the vanity I lift my head a little and the face of a mirror, cuts bleeding on his twisted right arm. uniformed police officer I recognize but can’t His eyes are half-open and glazed as blood quite place comes into focus. I look around and trickles down his forehead and from the corner recognize the hallway I’d passed out in. Basil’s of his mouth. huge body is lying within an arm’s reach, his I shake myself back from the panic that has cold, dead eyes seeming to stare right into set in and point my gun at Basil. “Freeze!” I mine. shout at him. He brings his foot back again, Starsky! Where the hell is Starsky? I try to then pauses, looking at me. He begins to move say the words, but the excruciating pain in my toward me, tearing loose a savage yell as he throat stops them from forming. does so. I fire the gun at him, hitting him in the “Hey, hey, take it easy, Sergeant,” the shoulder. It doesn’t stop him, however, and young officer says, placing his hand on my before I can fire off another round, he extends chest. “Ambulance is on the way. Just lie his arms and grabs me by the throat. His huge still.” hands entwine and tighten around my neck, I want to scream at him. How does he think causing me to lose my grip on my gun along I could possibly just lie here when I don’t with my ability to breathe or cry out. know where my partner is? I roughly grab his Basil lifts me off the ground and slams me hand and jerk it off my chest. I make it to my hard against the wall in the hallway. I reach up hands and knees and peer into the bedroom. I

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 233 see Starsky’s blue sneakers lying in the broken examined already and told that my injuries are glass, two other uniformed police officers all external and my voice will return to normal crouched next to him. I grab hold of the in a day or two. They give me a prescription bedroom door jam and lift myself to my feet. I for some painkillers and tell me I can go home. stumble forward, knocking one of the officers It’ll be a while before I leave, however. I out of the way. haven’t seen Starsky since the ride in the Starsky has lost consciousness and his ambulance, and the last time I saw him he was breathing is rough and labored. The gash on his drifting in and out of consciousness. The forehead is still gushing blood and his right doctor assured me he’d find me when he had arm is twisted at an abnormal angle. There are some news about Starsk. I need to see him, tiny cuts all over his body from the shattered need to know he’s going to be OK before I go mirror. His gun is lying at the fingertips of his anywhere. left hand. I kneel down, hearing the crunch of After what seems like an eternity, the the glass under my weight, and grab his hand. doctor finally appears, tells me that Starsky God, he saved me. He used every last ounce of suffered a concussion and the gash on his strength he had, crawled through broken glass forehead needed seven stitches. His right and saved me. shoulder is dislocated, and he has a few “Ambulance,” I manage to croak out. cracked ribs. There are no signs of internal “It’s on its way, Hutch,” one of the bleeding or more severe injuries, but he’s uniforms answer, placing his hand on my back. going to have to stay in the hospital for a few The wailing of a siren just outside the window days to make absolutely sure. To sum it up, he echoes his words. had the absolute hell beaten out of him, and Starsky coughs and his eyelids drift open he’s going to have to take it easy for a while to slightly. Unfocused, the blue eyes dart around recover. the room, finally resting on me. He coughs I ask the doctor if I can see him. He tells again and the corners of his mouth turn up in a me that he’s been given a very strong painkiller pain-filled smile. and will sleep for a long time. I tell him I don’t “Hutch,” he breathes. “You OK?” care, I need to see him, and he finally agrees, I nod my head at him, blinking hard, then taking me up to his room. swipe at my eyes. Even if my throat didn’t feel I thank the doctor and slide a chair next to like there were knives twisting inside of it, I my partner’s bed. Starsky is sound asleep, his don’t think I’d be able to speak. mouth partially open, his breaths long and He gives me a confused look and coughs even. He’s got a pretty good shiner and a split again. “It’s OK, Hutch,” he says and closes his lip. He looks like hell, but I can’t help smiling eyes again. They reopen a second later and he at him. God, what would I ever do without breathes out, “Man, that guy was really, really him? big.” His eyes close once more and his head Basil Little, the man who almost choked lolls to the side. A strangled laugh escapes my the life out of me, is dead, shot square in the abused throat through my tears. The ambulance middle of the back by my half-conscious attendants gently push me out of the way and I partner. Ah, the ironies of life. A smaller man return to the hallway, where another set of named David brought down a big man named paramedics begin to examine me. Little. Physically Starsky may not have stood a ~oOo~ chance against this Goliath, but no one could ever match the huge spirit that thrives inside I sit alone in the hospital waiting room, my best friend’s body. I love that spirit—I love rubbing the bruises on my neck. I’ve been it with every fiber of my being. And I’ll be

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damned if another day will pass without me I shake my head and look back at him. telling him so. “No, Starsk. I can’t forget it. I said some things He sleeps peacefully for close to eight that—well, that I didn’t mean.” hours, and I sleep next to him in the hospital “I know, Hutch. It’s all right.” chair. I wake up each time the nurse comes in I lift myself off the hospital chair and walk to make sure he’s still responsive after the over to the window. My throat is killing me, concussion. He’s doing just fine, they assure but I have to say this. I have to make things me. One of them is kind enough to bring me a right again. “No, Starsk, it’s not all right. It’s pillow, and I place it behind my aching head. not all right at all. I got to thinking, you know, Finally, as sunlight begins to stream about how if you had have—well, if Basil had through the blinds, he starts to wake up. His have gotten to your gun and—well, if things light groaning stirs me out of my dream—a sad had have been different, one of the last things I dream about Basil and his heroin addiction. I said to you…” have a frightening understanding for it and one “You called me a moron.” My back is to person to thank for removing me from its evil him, but I can hear the grin in his words. grip. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. You’re “Starsk,” my voice is still rough. I lean not a moron.” I turn around and look at him. I knew he was grinning at me. forward and brush his curls off his forehead. “I know I’m not a moron. I know you “Hutch?” Our weary eyes meet. know I’m not a moron. You were just in one of “Right here, buddy,” I say. “It’s OK.” your moods.” “You’re OK?” he asks. “You sound bad.” “But I shouldn’t take my moods out on “Yep. Just a little bruised. How do you you.” I move back to the bed and sit down on feel?” the side. ”Like I got hit by a truck.” ”Don’t worry about it.” He closes his eyes “Well, close.” We both chuckle a little and again. then wince in pain. “Starsky, I realized yesterday that I’ve— “We’re some pair,” he says. I’ve never told you…” He puts his hand on my “We sure are,” I answer. arm. Why is this so hard to say? He sighs and closes his eyes. “Basil?” he He opens his eyes and looks at me. “You asks, keeping his eyes closed. don’t have to tell me, Hutch. I know. Have I “He’s—he’s dead, Starsk.” I say it gently ever told you?” and touch his arm. I have to think for a minute. I don’t Starsky simply nods. It breaks his heart remember him ever saying the words, but he’s every time he’s forced to shoot someone, no done so much for me, I’ve just always known. matter what the circumstance. Suddenly I wonder who the real moron is here We sit in silence for a while, and I’m afraid anyway. he’s going to drift off to sleep before I say I smile at him finally. “Well, no, I guess what I have to, so I shake him lightly. He you’ve never said the words, but…” opens his eyes and looks at me. “Hmm?” he His eyes widen and he pats my arm. “Ah! murmurs. See? But you’ve never questioned it, have “Starsk, I—I need to talk to you,” I say. you?” “’Bout what?” he asks. I torture him with silence. “Have you?” he I look away from him. “About yesterday. says again, more forcefully. About what I said.” “Never.” I finally say, placing my hand “Forget it.” He waves his hand in the air. over his.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 235 “And I’ve never questioned it, Hutch. I just He closes his eyes and nestles in his pillow. know.” We smile at each other and our eyes “See ya.” lock, both of us nodding. I walk toward the door, but something is He takes a deep breath and winces a little. still bothering me. “Starsk?” His eyes return to mine. “But, you know, “Hmm?” His eyes open halfway. Hutch, I am worried about you.” I take a few steps closer and lower my I tilt my head. “Me? Why?” voice. “You know, you—you called me a tight He shrugs and tries to scoot himself up on ass yesterday.” the pillow. “You just haven’t been yourself. “Yeah.” A mischievous grin forms on his What’s wrong? Is there something you’re not face. telling me?” “Well, I apologized for calling you a “Oh, no, Starsk. No.” I rearrange the moron. Don’t you want to apologize to me?” blanket around him then shift on the bed and “Nope,” he says simply. fold my hands in my lap. “I don’t—I don’t My brows furrow and I step closer. “You know what’s wrong. I just get so frustrated.” mean, you really think I’m a tight ass?” “Is it me?” “Yep.” I look back at him. “Oh, God, no. No, it’s “Why?” not you. I know I take it out on you, but it has “Because you are.” nothing to do with you. I don’t—I don’t know “That’s no reason.” what I’d do without you.” “Yes, it is.” “Then what is it?” He looks frustrated and I feel my anger rise, along with my too tired to deal with this right now. scratchy voice. “No, it’s not, Starsk. You just “I don’t know,” I answer him and stand up. can’t call someone something like that without “Listen, we can talk about it later, OK? Right having something to back it up with.” now, you should just go back to sleep. And I “Can, too.” He’s still grinning. need to go home and get some real sleep.” “No, you…” I begin to argue, but then he He scratches his jaw line and stares at the looks at me, that shit-eating grin wider. OK, he ceiling for a minute. “OK,” he finally says and got me. He lives to torment me, I swear. And smiles. “Did the doctor tell you when I can go right now I wouldn’t have it any other way. home?” “What did I ever do to deserve you, huh?” “He said in a couple of days, probably.” “Must have been something good,” he says “Terrific.” through the grin, then closes his eyes. “Night,” “Yeah.” he mumbles. He turns his head toward me and waves his I watch him as he drifts off to sleep, that hand. “All right. Go home. Get some sleep. grin still plastered on his face. I walk halfway Come back later. I’ll share my creamed through the door, then turn and take one last chicken with you.” look at my unbelievable partner. “Must have “Sounds delicious.” I smile. been,” I say and leave.

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Comes the Flood...

by Morgan Logan ([email protected])

“When the flood calls, Oceanside, 1977 You have no home, you have no walls In the thunder crash Gravel gritted beneath the tires of the pale You’re a thousand minds, within a flash blue van as Detective David Starsky pulled Don’t be afraid to cry at what you see into a dimly lit parking lot in Oceanside, The actor’s gone, there’s only you and me California. The town was a mere hour and a And if we break before the dawn, half from Bay City, but years apart in They’ll use up what we used to be. atmosphere. What it lacked in modern convenience was mitigated by two things: no Lord, here comes the flood one here knew him, and no one he knew would We’ll say goodbye to flesh and blood think to find him parked here in the shadows If again, the seas are silent behind this nondescript, drably-painted bar. A In any still alive bar frequented by men who enjoyed sex with It’ll be those who gave their island to survive other men. Drink up, dreamers, you’re running dry.” The risk to his career, his life, and his partnership was too great to indulge in this —Peter Gabriel, Here Comes the Flood (1977) pleasure often. But once or twice a year, after a

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 237 bad scene on the job, or another failed her, I’d-a thought she was corn-on-the-cob.” relationship, he would head over to Merle’s to Starsky smirked. borrow a junker and hit the road. When he was Hutch sniffed. “What, you don’t kiss like feeling especially paranoid, he would take the that?” he asked, somewhat defensively. extra half-hour to go down to Encinitas, where “Depends.” the scene was livelier and he was just another “Depends on what?” Hutch reached down anonymous hard-body in the crowd. on the floor between them for another beer. But tonight, he couldn’t wait. For one They had just finished their finals and were thing, the weather forecast was threatening a celebrating their upcoming graduation. big storm; for the other, his cock had been threatening the zipper of his jeans all the way “Depends on if I’m kissing a guy or a girl.” down I-5. A blond, this time, he thought, and Starsky stopped abruptly, appalled at his slip. winced with guilt. Hutch choked on his beer. “You...you kiss That was another pleasure he allowed guys?” His blue eyes were wide with drunken himself even more sporadically—to pick up a astonishment. tall, beautiful blond man; one, maybe, with “Sure, why not?” Starsky said airily, going blue eyes and full lips he could sink into for for nonchalant. He lowered his lids and peeked one lonely night. The next day during the drive at his friend, trying to gauge Hutch’s reaction. back, bleak of spirit, he would berate himself His pulse had quickened with alarm when he for the slip that would make it even harder to realized their friendship could be on the line. maintain the strict boundaries of friendship All depends on the small-town boy. In a way, it with his partner. was a relief. They’d only known each other Hutch. Hutch knew Starsky liked guys on half a year or so, but already Starsky felt closer occasion. Starsky had come clean during their to this big blond lug than any other friend in Academy days when a late-night drinking his life. He had to know sooner or later. Might session had loosened his lips.... as well be now. Hutch was staring at him as if he wanted to Bay City Policy Academy, 1967 be sure Starsky wasn’t pulling his leg. Starsky

waited for him to say something, but either the “Saw you last night at Rocco’s with that Jeanette, Hutch.” booze or the shock had left him speechless. “Yeah, huh?” Hutch was puzzled, “How “Ain’t you ever kissed a guy, Hutch?” come you didn’t say ‘hello’?” Starsky asked, finally, although he was pretty “I dunno, she’s kind of high-falutin’ or sure of the answer. something. Anyway, you were too busy “Me? No! I, uh, I guess it’s not your smooching her up.” everyday thing in Duluth.” Hutch responded as Hutch’s neck turned brick red, to Starsky’s if embarrassed by his inexperience. “You great delight. He decided to ride it. ever...do anything more? More than kiss, I “Yeah, she a good kisser, Hutch?” mean?” He was studiously looking down at the “I don’t kiss and tell, you know that, bottle in his hand. buddy.” Hutch frowned at the teasing look. Starsky leaned back against the side of his “Well, you sure seemed to have your bed and raised a knee, resting his forearm technique down.” Starsky had been riveted by along the top. “Yeah,” he confirmed, carefully the display. In the dark corner of the bar, Hutch watching Hutch’s face. “I done...other stuff, had nipped, pecked and sucked the girl’s lips too.” with absolute focus. “Way you were nibblin’ at Hutch absorbed this new information. “Dangerous,” he muttered.

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It hadn’t been the response Starsky had enough for any man, having a great guy like feared. “‘Dangerous’?” he repeated. him for a friend and partner. “For your career, I mean.” Hutch looked worried. “I was hoping, you know, we’d be ~oOo~ partners someday. Like we talked about.” Starsky let out a silent breath of relief. He Starsky sighed with the memory. As the felt dizzy with it, only in that moment realizing years passed, they had become closer and how important it was to him that Hutch be closer, and he’d had to remind himself of that okay with this. He gazed admiringly at his earlier resolve time and again. He had found an friend. Throw him a curve and he still comes outlet for his desires—a pressure valve of out swinging. He almost laughed at the sorts—choosing a bar outside their beat and unintentional pun. one known for its discretion. When he had “I’m careful,” he finally replied, “And it’s mentioned it to Hutch, his new partner’s not like I walk on the wild side all the time. disapproval had been fierce. Only a couple of times, actually.” “Good,” Hutch said, and looked up. He Starsky’s Apartment, 1970 smiled briefly, tilting his head. “Funny, I never even saw you looking at any guys.” “Are you nuts? That place is way too close Starsky slid his leg down and crossed his to home. If anyone saw you, recognized you, ankles. “Well, takes a special guy to attract my it’d be the end of your career! Is doing some attention.” guy really worth the risk?” Hutch took that in, then opened his mouth “Don’t knock it if you ain’t tried it, Blintz.” before shutting it again. Starsky knew what Starsky had only recently coined that was coming next. nickname, and he was fond of it for two “You ever...ah.” Hutch dropped his head reasons: first and foremost, it annoyed the heck and peered up at Starsky through his pale out of Hutch; and, secondly, it had a vaguely lashes. “You ever...look at me that way?” sexual overtone that he could plausibly deny, Starsky was ready with the glib lie. “Nah, his fondness for his mom’s home-made you ain’t my type, Blondie.” blintzes being a well-known fact. Something passed over Hutch’s face a little Hutch sighed with irritation. “Don’t call me too quickly for Starsky to read. Was it relief? that, and don’t try to distract me. If you got Then Hutch raised his head and grinned made, or if one of your...” Hutch halted, cheekily. obviously lacking the proper word, “...‘dates’ “What, you don’t find me irresistible? I’m should find out you’re a cop, he could use it shocked; shocked, I tell you.” Hutch’s tone against you. Against us.” was playful. Starsky blew out a breath. His partner had a Starsky sighed inwardly, another hurdle point. “You’re right. But—” safely crossed. Oh, Blondie, if you only knew. “‘But’—we’re late for work,” Hutch said, From the first day he had met the lanky mid- abruptly. westerner he’d had it bad. But that Hutch was The conversation had ended there. Starsky dead straight had been obvious: Starsky had had cut way back on his activities and had never caught him looking sideways, and he’d moved them out of town, hitting spots where been watching pretty closely. And, even if he he was extremely unlikely to be recognized, hadn’t been straight, Hutch was married, just and never going to the same place more than like Starsky wanted to be, someday. We’re once a year. gonna be partners. The best. That should be And he never mentioned it to Hutch again.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 239 ~oOo~ fingers from the doorknob. Starsky heard another muffled mumble, and then the door More time passed, and the job, the opened. partnership, the friendship turned out to be Hutch exited the bathroom, a towel everything Starsky had hoped for. He found wrapped around his too-lean hips. “Just got a the balance, and maintained it with an iron little dizzy for a sec,’” he finally replied, hand. sheepishly. And then Hutch got sick. The plague that “Christ, Hutch, why didn’t you say almost took his life took something else, somethin’?” Starsky moved to steady his friend instead. Hutch’s vitality and strength and help him to the bedroom. Hutch had only disappeared overnight, ravaged by the tiny been out of the hospital two days and was still organism that had infiltrated his system on the having trouble with his balance. deepest level. When Hutch was released from “Because, by the time I knew I was, I was the hospital into Starsky’s care, the blond was too dizzy to know I was.” Hutch leaned hard a pale wraith of himself. For the first time against Starsky as they walked slowly toward since Starsky had known him, Hutch offered the bed. no resistance to being assisted by his partner. “Okay, now I know you’re dizzy, because There were none of his usual unreasonable that makes about as much sense as...” Starsky denials of his pain or weakness, as there had paused as he eased Hutch down to sit on the been after the Forest case. Instead, Hutch bed. “...well, as you usually make, Blintz.” accepted his help with embarrassed gratitude. Hutch gave a dry chuckle that turned But Starsky needed it, too. Needed to be almost immediately into a cough. Starsky felt a close, to feel the reassuring warmth of him cold pang as he listened to the struggle for near, no longer forcibly isolated from his friend breath. It was too reminiscent of Hutch’s time by glass and quarantine protocols. No more under the oxygen tent. rubber gloves and masks, but his hands, “Not so bad, this time,” Hutch finally touching soft skin. Skin that was oddly gasped, and Starsky shook his head. translucent, the blue shadows of the veins “No, this time it sounded like you were beneath underlining the unwonted fragility of only losing half a lung. Jesus.” Hutch’s pale flesh. It was a jarring, ever- “I am getting stronger, Starsk. I can feel it.” present reminder of how close Starsky had Hutch looked up with apologetic eyes. The come to losing Hutch forever. dark circles beneath them contradicted his It was that very fragility that was hopeful statement. threatening to become Starsky’s undoing. “Your hair’s still wet,” Starsky responded gruffly, and went back to the bathroom for another towel. “Coulda hurt yourself,” he said Venice Place, 1977 under his breath as he returned. “It was worth it, oh, man. First shower “You okay in there?” Starsky yelled in...well, feels like a year. To be truly clean....” anxiously. Hutch had been in the shower a long Hutch sighed appreciatively while Starsky time. He jumped when he heard a loud thump. rubbed the towel roughly over his head. “Hutch?” Hutch’s voice continued, distorted by the “M’fine. Just....” The muffled voice came movement. “Not that I didn’t appreciate the from behind the door. sponge bath, Starsk, but that couldn’t have “What? Just what? And what was that been fun for you.” Hutch sounded noise?” It was all he could do to keep his embarrassed.

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About as fun as sticking my hand in a fire, on the edge of the bed and put his hand on the Starsky thought privately, then lifted the towel pale shoulder. to look down at his friend. The drier hairs were “Hutch....” puffed out around his drawn face. Hutch was “Hmmm?” Sleepily. His blue eyes were smiling. Disquieted, Starsky eyed the rigid closed. Starsky lifted his hand and brushed it lines of muscle drawn from cheekbone to through the still-damp, silky hair. temple. Even his skull looked thinner, Hutch made a pleased sound and his eyes somehow. Goddamn virus took everything it opened partially. Starsky continued the unusual could short of killing him. Starsky shuddered. caress, helpless to stop. He swallowed. He became aware Hutch’s eyes were fixed “Should you sleep on wet hair like this?” on him with a too-wise look. Hutch’s eyes opened further. “Starsk, I’m “I’m really okay, Starsk,” he said softly. okay. I got a little dizzy. No big deal.” “Yeah, well, another nap can’t hurt. Let’s “Yeah, huh?” Starsky rubbed gently, his get something on you.” fingertips scratching at Hutch’s scalp, and Hutch sighed but didn’t seem inclined to Hutch emitted a deep rumble of appreciation. The sound made Starsky’s stomach quiver. argue. He nodded listlessly and Starsky hurried “No big deal,” he repeated softly, watching as to grab his pajamas and some underwear from the blond slipped into sleep. His hand still the bureau. They had the routine down by now. rested on Hutch’s head, but he couldn’t remove He knelt and Hutch put his feet through the it. It was already taking every ounce of legs of his briefs, and then raised his arms. willpower he possessed not to lean down Starsky grabbed hold and pulled him upright, and....God! What am I thinking! He pulled his hating how easy it was; the big frame was so hand back as if burned. But still he sat, shaking much lighter. Hutch pulled off his towel and with his need to touch, to feel Hutch all over, Starsky knelt to pull up Hutch’s underwear, flesh and bone; to wrap his limbs around him, virtuously ignoring the genitals swaying mere stroke him intimately, do things to him that inches from his face. He drew the briefs over Hutch would never allow. It was a deep, primal the thin waist, and then helped Hutch back urge to somehow fuck his own strength into down onto the bed. that thin, frail body. “S’warm enough, don’t need the pj’s, He trembled on the edge of it for a long Starsk,” Hutch yawned, and Starsky hurriedly time, his rough breaths matching Hutch’s yanked back the sheets so Hutch could crawl labored ones, and then he lurched off the bed in. “Mmmm, you changed ’em,” he smiled. and backed into the relative safety of the living “Nothing like clean sheets on clean skin. This room. He had never been this close to breaking is the best. Thanks, buddy.” his resolve, not in ten years of controlling his Starsky nodded wordlessly, his eyes glued secret hunger. to the movement of Hutch’s ribcage as he turned onto his side and maneuvered his legs ~oOo~ under the sheets. Gotta feed him up. No more of his healthy crap. Gonna stuff him full of So the plague had taken something from pizza and steak and burritos and hell if he has Starsky, too—it had knocked down the self- any say in it. He shook himself and pulled the imposed barrier to his desire the way a flash covers up, tucking them under Hutch’s arm. flood might sweep through a levee. Hutch was already drifting; exhausted, He spent a restless, ugly night tossing on apparently, from doing nothing more than Hutch’s couch, arguing with himself and his eating lunch and taking a shower. Starsky sat stubborn cock, which wasn’t listening to

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 241 reason. He didn’t understand why, of all the Hutch sat and contemplated the spread times Hutch had been at risk, this situation in before dishing a small portion of eggs and particular should affect him this way. But some banana on his plate. He jumped a little whenever he thought of his partner sweating when Starsky dumped two slices of toast on out his life on that hospital bed, growing top. “Starsky, I don’t think I can eat all this.” weaker and weaker, Starsky’s need rose up “You can and you will. You’re a stick, anew, swamping him. Finally, exhausted, his Hutch,” Starsky said roughly, oddly angry at balls aching, he rose and slipped into the his partner’s tentativeness. Hutch looked up in bathroom to take care of it. He adamantly surprise and, again, Starsky’s eye was drawn to refused to think of anything but the sensation the hollows at his temples. He softened his of his hand on his cock; in a few short strokes tone, “Please, babe. For me, huh? I need my he was biting back a scream as his orgasm partner back.” It was a low move; Starsky rushed through him. He sagged with relief, knew it as guilt flashed across Hutch’s face. knees wobbly, and leaned over the sink to clean up the splatters, trying not to think, But his partner did start to eat—at first slowly, letting the lassitude take him. He finished then more eagerly as his appetite seemed to wiping up and went back to the couch. He was kick in. Starsky sighed with relief and ate his asleep by the time his head hit his makeshift own breakfast silently, pausing to refill their pillow. juice glasses. When Hutch’s plate was clean, The next morning Starsky awoke full of Starsky reached over and plopped a sausage resolve. He had to get Hutch strong and down on it. healthy, whatever it took. He was certain that Hutch stared at it for a moment before once his friend was back on his feet, this looking at Starsky, a decided crinkle in his obsession would die back down to its former brow. Starsky stared back challengingly. manageable level, a background hum he could Hutch put down his fork and leaned back in ignore in the face of their day-to-day his chair, crossing his arms. Starsky felt his partnership. Once Hutch is better, things will own face come together in a frown, but before go back to normal. He clung to that certainty he could speak, the soft voice stopped him with a desperate grip. cold. By the time Hutch stirred, Starsky had “You gonna tell me what this is about?” prepared eggs, toast, sausage, coffee and juice. Hutch’s tone was mild, but there was some He’d sliced up a plate of bananas and steel under it. “Come on, Starsk. You know I strawberries, and was reading the side of a box don’t eat sausage or bacon or anything else that of biscuit mix when Hutch, clad in his exists solely to keep cardiac surgeons fat and pajamas, emerged from the bedroom in a slow happy.” shuffle. Hutch stopped dead, staring at the kitchen table in obvious dismay. Starsky retrenched. “I told you, Hutch. “Starsk,” he began, his tone doubtful. You’re a rail. Besides, one sausage is not “Don’t say a word, Blintz. Just park your gonna give you a heart attack.” ass and chow down.” Starsky set the box back Hutch shook his head at the explanation. onto the counter. “You weren’t acting this way yesterday. “Buddy,” Hutch tilted him an exasperated What’s going on?” He sounded puzzled. smile, “You know I love you, but there is no Starsky settled on a partial truth. “It just hit way in hell I’m gonna eat sausage.” me last night, when I saw your…you look…” Oh, if only… Starsky chopped off the dirty Gaunt. Skeletal. “You got dizzy,” Starsky thought at the knees and waved his hand finished weakly, frustrated. Can’t very well tell pointedly at the chair by the table. “Sit. Eat.” the guy he looks like death warmed over.

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Hutch shook his head again and set his jaw. “I’m going to take a nap,” Hutch said in a “You’re overreacting, for Pete’s sake. I told dispirited tone. Starsky’s stomach roiled with you, I’m fine. Just give me a couple of weeks.” guilt as he watched him ease himself under the Inexplicable anger rose in Starsky’s chest, sheet. Then Hutch turned on his side, away making it swell like a balloon. He stood from Starsky, shutting him out, leaving him abruptly and took Hutch by the arm, grimacing alone with his remorse. at the wasted feel. It only fueled his ire. “Come with me, Blondie.” He tugged Hutch out of his ~oOo~ chair and directed him toward the bathroom. Hutch followed unwillingly, apparently caught Conscious of his sleeping patient, Starsky in Starsky’s forceful wake. had just completed a quiet clean up and was Starsky stood Hutch in front of the mirror. sitting down with the Sunday paper when he “Take off your shirt.” Hutch just stared at him heard a murmur coming from the bedroom. He walked to the entryway to check on his charge. in the reflection and shook his head slightly. Hutch was lying on his back, the sheet “Do it,” Starsky hissed. Hutch must have noted tangled around him. The curtains were drawn the fierce glint in his eyes. Reluctantly, he but the day was still bright enough to light the unbuttoned the top of his pajamas and drew it room with a soft glow. Starsky could see that off his shoulders, letting it fall down one arm Hutch was sweating. Concerned he might be to collect in his hand. He didn’t take his eyes feverish again, Starsky drew closer and noted from Starsky’s until it was done. Then they uneasily that Hutch was breathing irregularly both looked down at Hutch’s thin chest, at the in deep, intermittent gasps. Then he noticed the too-evident ribs that jutted like spokes from his rapid movement of the eyes under the lids and sternum. realized Hutch must be dreaming. From the “Why are you doing this?” Hutch troubled expression, it wasn’t a happy dream. whispered shakily, and Starsky came back to Should I wake him? Starsky didn’t like the himself with an almost audible snap, suddenly sound of the uneven breaths. He strode over to appalled and ashamed. the bed and sat on the edge to shake Hutch’s What the hell am I doing? “I…” He arm gently. Hutch awoke slowly. Starsky heard dropped his eyes from the pain-filled gaze. him murmur, “Cold.” But the arm below “…I just need you to take this seriously,” he Starsky’s hand felt warm. said at last. “You-you almost died on me, “Hutch, buddy. Wake up. You hear me?” Hutch. Just.…” He blew out his breath and Starsky jiggled his arm again. stepped away. “Just eat the damned sausage,” Hutch’s eyes fluttered open, and he looked he muttered, walking away. Starsky winced up foggily, eyes reddened. “Starsk?” His voice when he heard the bathroom door shut behind was sleep-husky. him firmly in well-deserved rejection. “Yeah, babe. Who else?” Starsky smiled Idiot. Way to make the sick guy feel real reassuringly. “I think you were dreaming.” He good. You fuck-up. He sat down at the table, patted Hutch’s arm lightly. eyeing the congealing mass of food, feeling too “Dreaming,” Hutch repeated. “God.” weary to begin cleaning it all up. He heard the “Not a good dream, then?” Starsky was bathroom door open and looked over to see glad he’d disrupted the nightmare. “Wanna tell Hutch move slowly back to the bedroom, his me about it?” He raised his brows pajama top back on. encouragingly. “Hutch?” Starsky stood and took a few Hutch made a sound like a half-sigh, half- steps toward his friend, following him. moan.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 243 “You said, ‘cold’,” Starsky prodded. after shift and cooked and cleaned, offering as Hutch drew an uneven breath. “Cold. much support as he could. But something was Snow. A huge, unbroken field of white. And I broken between them. They didn’t talk, much, was this tiny, insignificant dot in the middle of and touched even less. it. Alone. I think I was…dead,” he said Hutch went back to work, on desk-duty. unsteadily, giving Starsky a lost look. Things were back to normal. But, in spite of Starsky felt an almost unbearable urge to Hutch’s apparent return to health, Starsky’s wrap every available limb around his partner. yearnings did not dissipate. His control He shook with it, then realized that the arm he continued to be tenuous, at best. Desperate, he was touching was trembling, too. No, no, no. decided to return to his tried-and-true release Too dangerous. Too close. The surge of desire valve. It had been a year since he had last used was pounding at the gate of his control. It it, but he had never needed it more. would drown them both; drown everything. He So here he was behind the bar, contemplating sat up, ignoring the silent plea for comfort. a quick, hard fuck to discharge some of the Hutch wouldn’t ask aloud, but his eyes pulled pressure of the flood that threatened to escape at Starsky. him almost daily. The beams of the dam were “You’re not alone, Hutch,” Starsky cracking, the fine old wood silvered and attempted to fill the gap with barren words. weakened with age. They were all he could offer. He tried again, Starsky opened the door of the van and “I’m with you, buddy. The cold won’t get dropped out onto the gravel of the parking lot, you.” his rarely-worn boots scattering the fine, gray Hutch stared at him, then nodded and broke pebbles as he strutted toward the front door. eye contact, turning his head slightly. Inside, he found nothing had changed, as if “Think you can go back to sleep?” Starsky this place inhabited a time-bubble. The decor, asked, hopefully. the worn stools, and the seedy booths were Hutch rolled onto his side in answer, exactly the same. The same bodies pressed pulling his arm away from Starsky’s grip. together on the dance floor with the same Starsky stood and walked toward the living heated, frantic need. His eyes roamed them room. He took one quick look backward before leaving. Hutch was still, his body curled tight casually as he moved toward the bar to order a and his face hidden under a corner of the sheet. drink. Can’t give him what he wants. Starsky felt Suddenly, a flash of gold. There, on the a helpless despair. Only once before had he felt other side of a river of bodies, a blond head so inadequate in providing for his partner’s bent over a lower, darker one. Starsky felt a needs—when Hutch had been sweating out a quickening in his belly. The hair color and cut heroin addiction. This time, too, what Hutch were an uncanny match for his partner’s and, craved was a danger to him. Starsky, himself, although he saw no more than the back of that was the danger. head and an occasional glimpse of body I’m so sorry, babe. But I have to protect us between the twist of dancers between them, both. something about the set of shoulders also struck a chord. But Hutch would never be ~oOo~ caught dead in a red silk shirt such as that one, its soft, supple material clinging to the thin, Over the next couple of weeks, Hutch elegant frame…. regained his strength rapidly. With gritty Shock struck him hard, and he felt his determination he ate, rested and slowly began stomach tighten defensively when the head exercising, improving daily. Starsky visited turned a little, revealing just the edge of a stern

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profile and pale lashes that brushed a smooth Hutch crossed his arms, and Starsky moved cheek. toward him, glaring at him in the half-shadow It was Hutch. of the parking lot. Hutch shrugged and climbed For an eternal moment Starsky stood stock- in, and Starsky followed close to sit beside still, oblivious of the occasional body that him. bumped by him as he obstructed the path to the “Okay, partner, you want to tell me what bar. His eyes were trapped by the pale head. the hell you were doing back there?” Starsky And then they broke free and moved to the jabbed over his shoulder with his thumb. object of Hutch’s attention, and heat bloomed “I should think that was pretty obvious, and rose through his body in a rush of red rage Starsky. You sure you’re not getting dim in until his temples fairly pounded with it. Mine. your old age?” Hutch’s brow lifted over a pale That was his only coherent thought as he blue eye. banged his way rudely through the crush of Starsky made a growling grunt, “You’re bodies until he was a mere two feet from his playing with fire here, pal. You’re practically objective. dancing on the edge of a volcano. What are Sensing something, Hutch turned, and you doing here? You’re straight, goddammit!” froze. They regarded each other, and then his Sitting back on the seat, Hutch took his paralysis broke and Starsky spoke, his voice sweet time answering, stretching out his long deep and abrasive. “What the fuck are you legs before saying, with a shrug, “Maybe I’m doing here?” not.” Hutch didn’t respond for a moment, his Starsky’s jaw worked as myriad furious body tense with surprise, but then he seemed to questions shuffled through his mind. He settled relax and, with a challenging tilt to his head, on, “Since when?” He couldn’t keep the replied, almost carelessly, “What does it look shocked anger from his voice. like I’m doing?” There was a pause as “For a while now, I guess.” Hutch looked Starsky’s shell-shocked brain tried to process down and picked at his sleeve, avoiding his the audacious question, and Hutch continued, eye. “I’m looking to get laid, is what I’m doing.” “Don’t tell me you...you’ve been here Hutch’s companion laughed, and Starsky before?” Starsky couldn’t think for the storm shot the guy a look that would have made a of thoughts brewing in his head. mob button man wet himself. The dark-haired Hutch looked at him calmly, then nodded man suddenly thought of other places he slowly. “Yeah.” wanted to be, and scurried away. Before he was aware of it, Starsky’s hand Starsky returned his attention to Hutch with went back and he lunged forward, popping a look almost as fierce. “Oh, no, you’re not,” Hutch in the mouth with his fist. Shocked he bit out, and he grabbed his partner by the silence congealed around them as they stared at arm and started dragging him to the door. each other. Starsky watched as Hutch tongued “But, Dad, I just got here,” Hutch quipped the inside of his lip; then, with the back of his recklessly, and Starsky’s grip tightened hand, casually swiped at the blood pooling in painfully on his arm. the corner of his mouth. Outside, he pulled Hutch around to the “Interesting,” Hutch said, his voice back where he’d left the van. Calming toneless. somewhat in the cool sea air, Starsky released Starsky made an angry sound and exited him and dug his keys out of his pocket. “Get the van, trying to get a hold of his temper. He in,” he commanded, yanking open the sliding paced rigidly back and forth next to the door. vehicle, cursing under his breath. All these

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 245 years, all these fucking years of playing hands- Hutch said levelly, “Pot to kettle, Starsk.” off, Mr. Cool. And then he goes and gives it up His voice sounded oddly pained and angry in to some goddamn stranger. His jealousy spite of the even tone. twisted in his gut like a live thing. Why is he mad? He has no right to be mad. Starsky jumped when he sensed Hutch “It’s not the same.” Starsky gestured futilely close behind him, and he spun quickly and with his hands. backed away. Hutch raised his hands, looking “Why the hell not, huh?” Hutch said irked. through clenched teeth, “I can sleep with “You know, buddy, I could ask you why whomever I damned well please, just like you’re being such a hypocrite. I mean, what the you.” hell are you doing here? I thought you gave up “No! You can’t. Not when....” Starsky shut walking on the wild side years ago.” Hutch put his mouth on the words. Thankfully, Hutch his hands on his hips. didn’t seem to notice. “No, I didn’t, just cut it way, way down— “That’s pretty dog-in-the-manger of you, hang on, you are not turning this on me. Starsk,” he said roughly. You’ve always known I like to swing this Starsky rounded on him, his fury rising way.” anew, “You got no right to say that, none at Hutch probed his rapidly swelling lip with all.” His voice was ugly even to himself; it was his fingertips. “I know. I just didn’t think you so filled with ancient hurt. still....” “I’ve got every right!” Hutch met his fury “It’s not something that just goes away, dead on, his face shining almost white in the Hutch. It’s part of who I am,” Starsky said moonlight. “Sometimes we’re so close it’s like heatedly, his jaw clenched. Somehow, he we share the same skin. Maybe that makes you resented Hutch at that moment for all the years think you can dictate who I sleep with. But it of self-denial, even though Hutch had never doesn’t.” asked him to stop seeing men. He just “That’s not why. You think I don’t want disapproved of the risk. And I couldn’t handle you to be happy, no matter what?” Starsky his disapproval. He looked back at the years swallowed heavily, “Only, if you needed that, behind him and saw them for the farce they why….” Why didn’t you come to me? He were, his self-deception now readily apparent. teetered on the brink, wanting to ask it so He could have gone up to ’Frisco, could have badly, but uncertain if the rules had changed or taken weekends, if it were what he really not. Everything was shifting beneath him. wanted. I was holding out for him, even though Hutch was bi, or claimed to be. But he was still I knew I never could have him. his best friend and his partner; and he still, Starsky’s anger deflated, and his pacing apparently, didn’t want Starsky. feet came to a halt. He suddenly realized he But Hutch had heard the unspoken had walked away from Hutch, and was question. He asked, cuttingly, “Why what, standing at the far edge of the deserted parking Starsky? Why didn’t I come to you for a little lot, overlooking the beach. The full moon lesson in love?” above him was half-hidden by gathering Starsky couldn’t believe the unintentional clouds. He felt Hutch come up beside him, but cruelty of the question, but before he could this time he kept a discreet distance. catch his wind, Hutch continued, “You made it Starsky spoke to the shore, “I don’t get it, pretty clear to me, years ago, that I’m not your Hutch. You came down here to...what, satisfy type. You think I’d ask for some kind of pity some curiosity? Some itch? It’s wrong.” fuck, just because you’re my best friend? You

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think I’d want to do that to us?” Hutch raised Suddenly, Starsky felt Hutch pull away, his chin. and he mourned the loss of those lips. Starsky closed his eyes, tuning out the last No...don’t. Don’t ever.... He opened his eyes to part of Hutch’s diatribe. He didn’t have brain see Hutch sway a little, his lids flickering, and cells for anything but the first sentence. ‘I’m he cursed himself. Lungs still not a hundred not your type.’ Not my type. God! percent. He put an arm around him and led him Hutch seemed to be waiting for a response back to the van, neither of them speaking. to his questions, but Starsky’s shoulders Hutch climbed in the back to settle on the dropped and he stood emptied of all his hot bench seat, still panting a little, and Starsky rage and jealousy, undone by his one untruth. clambered in after, locking the door behind His careful deception of ten years ago had him. The pause gave him the time to cool hauled up and bitten him righteously on the down, and his big brain started working again, ass. to the annoyance of his little one. Foremost Starsky looked up at Hutch’s angry face was his concern that Hutch didn’t know what and said, quietly, “Not true, what I said back the hell he was asking for. They had both been then. I didn’t want to scare you away. So…I shaken by Hutch’s illness, had been desperate lied.” for the contact they had been robbed of by “Lied.” Hutch frowned in disbelief. “Lying glass walls and isolation protocols. Hutch had now, more like.” been feeling depressed and lonely these past Words were useless. Starsky moved weeks; Starsky knew that, and had blamed forward and yanked the surprised blond toward himself for not being able to console his friend. him; catching a cheek with one hand, he zeroed But he could no longer respond with hugs and in for a kiss. Their lips met on Hutch’s startled touches that were strictly platonic, and his gasp. abrupt withdrawal had left Hutch still wanting. Starsky put it all in there, with his lips, his Hutch could easily be confusing that need tongue, his breath; all the desire he’d pent up, for contact with desire. In spite of the kiss battened down and hidden away for all those they’d just shared, Starsky was afraid to let long years. himself believe otherwise. And Hutch responded. First, by opening to He sat beside Hutch, whose breath was him, and then by aggressively kissing back, now easing. Starsky asked, hesitantly, “Hutch, offering his tongue, and pressing his swollen when did you...when were you here, last?” mouth tight against Starsky’s. His hand came There was just enough light cast on the pale up and pushed through the curls by Starsky’s features for Starsky to read his puzzled temple to lock them close, closer still. Oh. God. Starsky’s mind floated above the expression. sensations, memorizing and cataloging every Hutch looked at him, and said, “Only been brush of their lips, every gasp and shudder. He here once before. Came last weekend while tasted Hutch, tasted him again, noticing with you were working that night.” regret a trace of blood from the cut lip and It was as Starsky feared. Hutch’s interest licking apologetically at the small wound didn’t pre-date his illness. “What did before moving his tongue deep into Hutch’s you...do?” He tried not to betray his mouth. He felt Hutch’s hand drift down his uneasiness. back and rest on his ass, and Starsky went from Hutch looked annoyed at the question. “I zero to raging hard in an instant, feeling the drank some whiskey and talked to this guy, and proof of Hutch’s arousal pressing eagerly then we went back to his car and I let him blow against him in return. me,” he replied curtly.

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 247 Starsky suppressed a flash of jealousy with “Starsky, wait...I wanna....” Hutch gasped difficulty. “Hutch,” he began, “Just because and raised his hands toward Starsky. you let some guy suck your dick doesn’t mean “No. No waiting,” Starsky grunted, “Lift you’re bi.” your ass.” “No,” Hutch agreed, his eyes storm dark, Hutch obeyed the command and Starsky “but I figure the fact I want to suck yours knelt back and tugged his pants down, stopping does.” to pull off his shoes before removing them Starsky’s heart thudded. altogether. He paused for just a moment to take Hutch leaned forward, his eyes intent as he in the sight of Hutch; the ruddy column rising whispered hoarsely, the low, silky rasp of his thick from the thatch of golden hairs, and the voice licking roughly along Starsky’s skin, strong groin muscles arrowing to the generous which flushed deeper with each word. “Yeah, pink balls. He leaned down quickly and ran his that’s what really tipped me off. The fact I tongue up the shaft to flick it into the tempting keep wanting to touch you, feel you all over; to slit, smiling when Hutch cried out in pleasure. peel off those tight jeans of yours and take He wended his way back down, tongue moving your cock in my mouth, wrap my tongue all sensuously along the big vein until he reached over it, taste it, and then suck it hard until you the full sac. He took the left ball into his mouth can’t take it anymore and you come in my—” and Hutch groaned. Starsky tugged at it gently, He was prevented from continuing at that then released it to give the same treatment to moment because Starsky had rocketed himself the right. He felt Hutch’s hands bury mindlessly across the space between them to themselves in his hair as he let the second one latch onto Hutch’s mouth. He forced his escape his mouth. He wet his tongue and nosed tongue in, holding Hutch’s head between his underneath, stroking the slick perineum, and hands to kiss the breath out of him once again. Hutch spread his legs wide. Starsky braced his He pulled away long enough to growl fiercely forearms underneath Hutch’s thighs, lifting in Hutch’s ear, “Me, first.” them and pushing up and out to spread him Then he was yanking open the silk shirt to even wider, giving Starsky access to the put his mouth on that smooth, pale skin and puckered flesh hiding below. those small, bronze nipples. He sucked and “God!” Hutch cried as Starsky tongued lapped while Hutch squirmed beneath his him, stroking him repeatedly before slipping hands. Silently, he mourned the feel of Hutch’s the tip into his opening. Hutch moaned again, bones still riding so close beneath his flesh. He and Starsky heard him take panting breaths. pushed the thought aside and continued his Starsky decided to up the ante, and sucked on voracious caresses. his finger to wet it thoroughly before sliding it “Hey, hey, slow down,” Hutch panted, but unexpectedly into Hutch’s body. Starsky was having none of it. He would make “Ahhh, Christ!” Hutch sobbed and his hips Hutch insane. He would make him come so jerked convulsively. Starsky moved his finger hard he’d see stars. He finally had his shot, and deeper, penetrating until he located Hutch’s he was taking it. prostate. Hutch’s breath left him in a shocked Starsky slid to the floor and undid Hutch’s gasp, and his anal muscles convulsed around pants hurriedly, half-afraid this was a dream, Starsky’s finger as he cried out again. “Starsky, half-fearing his partner would call a halt before please!” Hutch begged, sounding lost. he could get started. Hutch moaned as Starsky Starsky kept the rhythm of his finger, eased him out of his briefs. Hutch’s cock was sliding it out and in to press the small gland already almost fully erect. while he raised his other hand and, with the

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heel, applied a massaging counter-pressure just He lifted his hands to place them on below Hutch’s balls. Hutch’s thighs, but Hutch moved away, Hutch shouted, his voice harsh and almost tugging on his pants and pulling his legs to the unrecognizable. Starsky looked up to see him, side. He rested his arms on the back of the seat face red and chest heaving as he begged, and laid his head there, and repeated, softly, “Please, GOD, please!” The veins in his neck “God.” were standing out in sharp relief. Starsky “Hutch?” Starsky cleared his throat and smiled and leaned over; careful to keep his tried again. “Hutch, you okay?” His reaction hands in motion, he maneuvered himself over was puzzling. Hutch’s cock and slowly, so slowly, engulfed “What did you do to me?” Hutch the engorged, weeping crown with his mouth. whispered hoarsely, and his head rolled back Hutch made a sound like a man in deep pain. and forth on his arms. The long body was still Starsky sucked him in, inch by inch, until the trembling. “Wasn’t it...good, Hutch?” Starsky was thick cock threatened the back of his throat. growing alarmed. Then he pressed with both his finger and his “‘Good’!” Hutch repeated, almost bitterly, hand at once, and Hutch screamed. His cock and turned to fix Starsky with a strange glance. swelled further, and Starsky swallowed him in, “Yeah, good.” Starsky started feeling deep-throating him. defensive, “I don’t get it; you can’t tell me that “OH GOD.” Hutch groaned long and deep, wasn’t the most incredible—” then his breath caught, his abdomen tightening “No, you don’t get it,” Hutch interrupted, to steel against Starsky’s forehead. Hutch came his voice still shaky. “I didn’t...this wasn’t wh- hard, emptying himself powerfully into what....” Hutch took another breath and started Starsky’s waiting throat. Starsky kept again. “I didn’t want this so I could learn how swallowing, massaging the pulsing cock with great it is to be sucked by a guy. I wanted to his throat muscles while Hutch bucked learn how amazing it would be to m-make...to helplessly, caught between Starsky’s hands and be with you.” Hutch shut his mouth, then, and his mouth. Starsky’s own cock, long since ran one palm over his face, which was still strangled in his tight jeans, surprised him by beaded with sweat. jerking in response, and Starsky came in his Starsky was speechless. Fucked it up, I pants, still milking the quivering shaft while fucked it up. He lowered his head, and almost Hutch moaned again and again, his voice missed Hutch’s next, low words. almost raw with it. “I’m not some hot conquest of yours….” Finally, Starsky released him and Hutch Starsky’s head snapped back up. “Con- collapsed back against the seat, his chest conquest?” He stammered, his face flushing, working like bellows as he tried to draw in “No, you’re not some ‘conquest.’ You’re the enough air. Starsky felt a momentary alarm guy I’ve been in love with for ten lousy years. that he had taxed Hutch too far. The blond’s Ten years, Hutch.” breathing hitched, and his body was shaking in He halted his crazed tongue just a little too the aftermath. “God. God.” He moaned, his late. Hutch’s eyes were shocked as he stared at neck and chest flushed red within the trembling him. Starsky found himself rushing on, the edges of his silk shirt. He shuddered and pulled dam of silence broken at long last, “So, forgive away from Starsky, who sat back on his heels me if I went a little bit crazy on you; I’ve only to dig in his pocket for a scrap of tissue. He been wanting to make love to you since I met still tasted Hutch in his mouth. Mine, he you. Been dreaming about it this whole time, thought, with satisfaction. fantasizing what I would do to you, how to

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 249 make it good for you so that you would never “Yeah, so to speak,” Hutch said sheepishly. want anyone else, ever again....” His voice “Didn’t get very far, though.” petered out on the bald admission, his anger “Guess I’ll have to learn you, then,” dissipating at the look of wonder on Hutch’s Starsky offered huskily, and grinned to see the face. flush that stole up Hutch’s cheeks. “In love with me?” Hutch repeated, his “I’m a good student, I swear,” Hutch voice soft and disbelieving, “You didn’t...you deadpanned earnestly, and then spoiled it with didn’t mention that.” a grin. He winced as the motion pulled his “Of course I’m in love with you, you big swollen lip, and raised a hand to it once again. dummy!” Starsky exploded, exasperated. “Sorry about clocking you, buddy.” Starsky “Well, you never said. How could I said, ashamed. know?” Hutch asked in a too-reasonable tone, and the two sat staring at each other for a “Hey, it’s what made me start to ridiculous amount of time. think...well, at first I thought you were just “So, that’s okay, then,” Starsky said, pissed because I hadn’t told you what I was up confused. But then he watched in awe as to, but when you punched me, I began to Hutch’s face changed, his eyes deepening as wonder if maybe it wasn’t more...interesting the full impact of Starsky’s angry confession than that.” hit him. “‘Interesting’! I’ll give you ‘interesting’!” “Okay,” Hutch agreed, and a ghost of a Starsky threatened, and joyfully pounced on grin played at the corner of his mouth. “I’m in the blond for more kissing. love with you too, you know. Have been for “Hey, the lip! Watch the lip!” Hutch the longest time. I just couldn’t recognize it. laughed. But it’s been there, like a thought I couldn’t “Gonna have to kiss it better, Hutch. It’s quite finish, or a sound too low to hear: always the only way.” Starsky said earnestly, and did you, Starsk. Since forever. ‘Big dummy’ is as promised, raining further abuse on the poor right.” lip while Hutch smiled under the barrage. Starsky’s ears couldn’t believe what they were hearing, but his heart was having no Outside, the first droplets hit the dusty problem thundering its joy. He reached out a windshield of the old van. The deluge had hand, and Hutch took it, gripping it tightly come at last. before continuing. “But you said I wasn’t your type. So long ago, but it stuck with me. I remember how even back then, I was somehow…disappointed, even Many thanks to Padawan Ula Luva for her if I couldn’t admit it to myself. So when I usual fantastic beta. finally understood how I felt…I tried to forget Thank you to SHaron for her wonderful it. But after I was...sick, it got so bad that I...I timeline help, and to Dana Austin Marsh for decided I was going to...s-seduce you.” Hutch her writer’s insight, her beta, and for the stuttered a little, looking embarrassed, and ran inspiration for this story; a line from her fic, his other hand through his hair. “Make you “Summer Hiatus,” (from Dangerous Lives, want me, somehow. Only, I figured if I was Dangerous Visions 2) set me to thinking... going to do that, I would have to...bone up, first.” No squirrels were harmed in the writing of this “‘Bone up,’” Starsky repeated, smiling story. involuntarily. -molo

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by Selena

NOT AUTHORIZED FOR SALE 251 SOLUTIONS ANSWER KEY

Set 1: Set 1 Set 2 Set 3 Set 4 ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOUR TEETH AND A = N A = N A = H A = J THEY’LL NEVER BE FALSE TO YOU. B = R B = U B = Q B = M COPS NEED LOVE TOO. C = H C = M C = D C = N DON’T ANTAGONIZE THE PEOPLE I NEED. D = I D = G D = W D = L NO ONE CAN DIP LIKE RAMON. E = C E = O E = L E = Y

Set 2: F = W F = B F = E F = T DON’T YELL AT ME WHEN I’M ON THE G = O G = Y G = U G = R PHONE. H = U H = J H = R H = B ONLY FOOLS AND GREENHORNS TRY TO I = Z I = W I = P I = O PREDICT THE WEATHER. J = P J = V J = V J = D GENE AUTRY GETS IT THERE ALL THE TIME. K = X K = L K = S K = E HUTCH IS CUTE. I’M CAREFUL. L = Q L = A L = K L = F M = K M = X M = J M = I Set 3: N = E N = F N = X N = X IF THIS WAS A COWBOY MOVIE…I’D GIVE O = F O = S O = I O = W YOU MY BOOTS. IF YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN’T TELL YOU, P = B P = H P = T P = Z WHO CAN? Q = T Q = C Q = F Q = K IT’S ALWAYS TOUGHEST ON THE ONES R = G R = T R = A R = S LEFT BEHIND. S = M S = I S = G S = C STARSKY’S LAW: TALK A LITTLE, WIN A T = D T = R T = B T = U LOT. U = J U = E U = Z U = G V = S V = Z V = N V = A Set 4: W = L W = P W = Y W = P NEVER PICK ON A MAN’S PARTNER. X = Y X = Q X = M X = V WANNA DRIVE MY CAR? WHEN YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT, BOY. Y = V Y = K Y = O Y = H YOU NEVER WERE A VERY GOOD LIAR. Z = A Z = D Z = C Z = Q

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