The Silly Ness Monster

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[ INVESTIGATIVE FILES J OE NI CK E L L Joe Nickell, PhD, is CSI’s senior research fellow and author or coauthor of such books as Tracking the Man-Beasts, Entities, and Lake Monster Mysteries.

Scotland Mysteries—Part I: The Silly Ness Monster

ollowing the excellent skeptics’ creature but in fact proving to have swim across the River Ness to retrieve conference, QED (“Question. been a hoax made by photographing a a boat, when he was approached by the FExplore. Discover.”), in Manches- small model (Nickell 1995, 242). monster. Te future saint quickly ter, England, March 10–11, 2012— Now, it is not true that Loch Ness is “formed the sign of the cross in the where I was the closing speaker and a unique among Scottish lakes, or even empty air” and commanded the crea- cryptozoology panelist—I went on an nearly so, in having a resident monster. ture to go back, whereupon it fled. Tat investigative jaunt with British skeptic Whereas one writer claims there are is a saint’s legend—one of a genre of and investigator Hayley Stevens and only two others in Scotland, Loch narratives that are intended to demon- her father Andy, who is a photographer Morar and Loch Tay, Ronald Binns strate the power of God and that are and professional driver and guide. Here (1984, 183n) observes that there are notoriously incredible. Moreover, the I focus on the Scotland portion of our “not three but dozens of ‘Lochs na account was written circa 700 CE, well tour, beginning with the enduring case Beiste,’” including one we had lunch over a century after the events they pur- of the Loch Ness Monster. beside, Loch Lomond. Admittedly that port to describe (Shine 2006, 6; Coul- The Lair lake has little monster tradition, consis- son 1958, 134). tent with the statement of a gentleman Many Scottish legends tell of kelpies Located in the Scottish Highlands, and we encountered there; he announced or water-horses, supernatural water stretching for almost twenty-three emphatically that there was “no mon- creatures that prey on humans. “Teir miles, is a narrow, trench-like basin, 227 ster.” He is probably correct, although trick,” states Stuart McHardy, in his meters in depth at its deepest point, some locals speak of “Lomonda” who Tales of Loch Ness (2009, 52), “was to ap- holding the greatest volume of fresh never caught on (“Balloch and Loch pear as a wandering horse and induce water in all of Britain. Tis is the Lomond” 2006). Loch Ness is of course one or more humans to climb on their world’s most famous lake, Loch Ness, a different story. backs. Ten they would make straight for their watery home and dive in, their supernatural powers keeping the hu- mans on their backs as if glued.” (See When I wondered aloud whether rifles would be also Leach 1984, 573.) Today, kelpies are relegated to the available to Nessie hunters, a boat hand quickly distant past, but as recently as July 1, answered that, no, harpoons would be issued 1853, the Inverness Courier reported the sighting of two strange animals. Some “when needed.” thought a single sea serpent was coiled at the surface, while others suspected a pair of whales or large seals. (Te sight- ing was at Lochend, a village near the Water Kelpies sea-connected northeastern end of the home to the world’s most famous—and lake, where such animals might make least terrifying—legendary lake mon- Te earliest recorded encounter with their way.) However, on seeing the ster. “Nessie” is best known from a 1934 Nessie is told in Te Life of St. Columba. creatures, a “venerable patriarch” threw photograph, showing it as a long- Supposedly Columba (a Christian mis- down his gun, shouting, “God protect necked, small-headed, plesiosaur-like sionary, 521–597 CE) sent a man to us; they are the Water Horses.” He was

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Figure 1. A composite iconographic portrait of Nessie—a metamorphosing, contortionistic, chameleonlike crea- ture, or the product of various monster lookalikes and misperceptions. (Illustration by Joe Nickell)

partly right: they turned out to be dead-panned that we would have better ponies that had wandered from an es- luck hunting Nessie on land—meaning tate more than a mile distant (Shine where the toy creatures are sold. And on 2006, 6). the boat itself, when I wondered aloud Looking back, it is easy to see that whether rifles would be available to any of several creatures might have Nessie hunters, a boat hand quickly an- given rise to water-horse sightings—in swered that, no, harpoons would be is- addition, of course, to actual horses and sued “when needed.” ponies! Other possibilities are the oc- More seriously, we made several in- casional swimming roe deer, which lack quiries. An information officer in In- true antlers but instead have short dou- verness told us she had seen seals in the ble-pronged horns (Binns 1984, 191– River Ness, which passes through the 93), and the sturgeon, with its long city, linking the loch with the North Figure 2. Investigator Hayley Stevens monitors sonar muzzle. Says naturalist Adrian Shine Sea. Seals are among the monster scans aboard an excursion boat on Loch Ness. (2006, 28), “If ever a fish had a horse’s lookalikes that are endemic either to (Photo by Joe Nickell) head it would certainly be the Stur- the Loch or its environs. Although the geon.” sturgeon is now almost extinct in Scot- sterlike look (Binns 1984, 186–91). Tis is especially so when two or more are Rounding Up Suspects tish waters, one could have occasionally entered the loch to become, say, the swimming in line, as they do because On our four-day excursion to Loch “huge fish” of 1882. Additional poten- they enjoy “chasing each other” and Ness, we found the locals to be quite tial “monsters” are salmon and other “following the leader” (Godin 1983). playful regarding the “monster.” For ex- fish, swimming deer, long-necked water Tey can thus appear as a single long- ample, at the Glen Ord distillery where birds, bobbing logs, boat wakes, wind necked, multi-humped creature. Tis il- I told a tour guide we had come to the slicks, and more (Shine 2006). lusion was observed as early as 1930 in area to hunt Nessie, the woman Ten there is the large European the Scottish river Clyde, and it has quipped that we were quite right to otter (Lutra lutra). Otters resemble since been confirmed elsewhere (Gould make a distillery our “first stop.” In seals, and both are able to appear on 1934, 115–17; Nickell 2007, 6–7). (It is booking passage on a sonar-equipped land. However, otters also appear in the basis for a delightful children’s tale boat to tour the loch, I asked if this rivers and lakes that are not accessible titled “Otterly Impossible.” Te story is were where we got our hunting license to seals. Te otter’s long neck and un- in Fairy Tales Fairly Told by Barbara for the monster, to which a ticket seller dulating movements can give it a mon- Mervine, with illustrations by Noah

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Whippie, a foreward by James Randi, ceived, a wonderful science museum Tapes Series), was my time spent sur- and inspiration for the Ness tale cred- disguised as a Nessie exhibit. It teaches veying the loch’s waters, especially near ited to yours truly.) continental drift, evolution, perception, Urquhart Castle, the location of many Iconography and a number of other scientific matters sightings. Our boat crossed the loch while skeptically—but tactfully—dis- from the opposite shore to the castle Te iconography (or study of images) cussing the famous monster. Shine’s and back, while Hayley and I alternated of the Loch Ness Monster is illuminat- book Loch Ness supplements the tour between searching the waters and mon- ing. From St. Columba’s “Water with fascinating data and pictures—in- Beast”—with “gaping mouth and with cluding one that remarkably recreates itoring sonar scans (see Figure 2). Alas, as so often is the case, Nessie was a no- great roaring”—and Scottish folklore’s the previously mentioned 1934 hoaxed ■ horse-headed kelpie, to the plesiosaur- photo (2006, 11). show. like creature of the 1934 hoax photo, We also arranged to meet Steve the monster has continued to evolve. It Feltham, who has a little trailer on the (“Part II: Ghosts, Fairies, and Witches” has since been described as six to 125 loch at the village of Dores (near the will appear in the next SI.) feet in length; shaped like a great eel of inn, which serves delicious haggis). Te Acknowledgments a creature with up to nine humps; col- world’s only full-time Loch Ness Mon- ored silver, gray, blue-black, black, or ster hunter, Feltham is the most inter- In addition to those mentioned in the brown; and endowed—or not—with esting Ness creature I encountered. text, I am grateful to everyone who flippers, fins, mane, horns, or tusks Having lived on the Loch since 1991, helped make this Scottish “investigative (Binns 1984; Gould 1934). he supports himself by selling whimsi- travelogue” come to be, including all the wonderful QED folk, especially Rick Owen and Michael Marshall, and at CFI, Michelle Blackley, Ed Beck, and our librarian Tim Binga. Special thanks The world’s only full-time Loch Ness Monster to John and Mary Frantz for their gen- erous financial contributions to my hunter, Steve Feltham is the most interesting work. Ness creature I encountered. References Balloch and Loch Lomond. 2006. Online at www.fermentmagazine.org/Scotland2/scot4. html; accessed September 11, 2012. Binns, Ronald. 1984. Te Loch Ness Mystery Solved. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. Coulson, John, ed. 1958. Te Saints: A Concise Bi- No doubt the extremely diverse de- cal little Nessies (made of polymer clay ographical Dictionary. New York: Hawthorne scriptions are explained by the differ- and baked in his oven), along with Books. Godin, Alfred J. 1983. Wild Mammals of New ences in Nessie lookalikes—as well as driftwood art and watercolor paintings. England. Chester, CT: Globe Pequot Press. the vagaries of eyewitness evidence. Te An intelligent, thoughtful man, Felt - Gould, Rupert T. 1934. Te Loch Ness Monster and infamous 1934 hoaxed photo obviously ham is no knee-jerk believer, having Others. Reprinted Secaucus, NJ: Citadel Press, did much to influence the developing many times explained a tourist’s sight- 1976. portrait, although paleontologists have ing as, for instance, a boat wake’s de- Leach, Maria, ed. 1984. Funk & Wagnall’s Stan- dard Dictionary of Folklore, Mythology and since postulated that plesiosaurs were layed arrival. Most recently he branded Legend. New York: Harper & Row. unable to raise their long necks (Shine a photo of Nessie a hoax (involving a Loch Ness Monster photograph branded a hoax 2006, 11). In Figure 1, I have com- fake fiberglass hump used to film a Na- by Nessie enthusiast. 2012. Online at pressed the iconography of Nessie into tional Geographic documentary [“Loch http://news.stv.tv/highlands-islands/186792- a single humorous image that, I trust, Ness” 2012]). He told us that even if loch-ness-monster-photograph-branded-a- hoax-by-nessie-enthusiast/; accessed Septem- makes an effective point. there were no monster legend, he would ber 23, 2012. Nessie Hunters still have his beachcomber life— “only McHardy, Stuart. 2009. Tales of Loch Ness. Edin- in a warmer place!” burg: Luath Press. At the Loch Ness Exhibition Centre in A highlight of the trip, and of my Nickell, Joe. 1995. Entities. Amherst, NY: Drumnadrochit, we received the gener- years of work as a skeptical cryptozool- Prometheus Books. ———. 2007. Adventures in Paranormal Investi- ous attention of Adrian Shine, the ven- ogist (with many appearances as such gation. Lexington: University Press of Ken- erable naturalist and Loch Ness expert, on TV series like National Geo- tucky. who has been a Nessie hunter since graphic’s Is It Real?, History Channel’s Shine, Adrian. 2006. Loch Ness. Drumnadrochit, 1973. Te Centre is brilliantly con- MonsterQuest, and Animal Planet’s Lost Scotland: Loch Ness Project.

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