Washington University Tuition Raised to Your Firstborn Child Entire
WUnderground’s First Edible Edition! For Real, Take a Bite.
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014 PRICE: .00012 Bitcoins Washington University Tuition Raised Buried to Your Firstborn Child WUnderground
ashington Univer- Poor White Husband Finally sity announced Starts Beating Wife changes to its Wtuition structure on Friday, on the grounds that new construc- tion, rising energy prices, and the increasing demands of the Mexican drug cartels that underwrite the univer- sity all amount to a higher cost for students in the coming academic year. Tuition will increase from $44,100 to a life- time of slave labor performed page 64 accept payment for the higher FDA Report: Your Mom tuition in cash, check, or truck- loads of gold, but then we real- Replaces U.S.A. as the ized that it would be easier for Worlds Fattest Country blood,” explained Vice Chan- page 4c cellor for Finance, Lucinda ny of our current students will Environmental Club Protests the Bunny, “Its Rock Looks debts in the remainder of their lifespan, so instead we ask that Too Much Like Coal.” they give us the rights to their unborn children. It’s a heck of a deal, really.” Washington University administrator accepts newborn as tuition payment. Despite the universi- ty’s recent commitment to on a program through which coming years. “Not to worry,” she said, “ by 2018 we plan to many university donors have tuition by stealing babies from be in control of all of the world’s expressed reticence over giving local homeless shelters to pay capital, and then we will no up their own children to fund longer have any need for you scholarships, leaving many low- peasants. I mean…...when the fertility families in the lurch. students’ concerns about economy recovers, tuition - whether they will be able to should come down again.” page iii cial aid is currently working keep up with rising tuition in A Capella Group Recruits Forklift in Reverse Entire Campus Super Chapped
As frigid, dry weather sity campus bookstore has that Washington University sweeps through the St. Louis reported astronomical Chap- administrators have begun region, the Washington Univer- Stick and Burt’s Bees purchases discussions regarding a new sity student bodies are report- in the past month as students initiative called the “Moist- edly really chapped right now. try desperately to combat their Mosaic Project.” Although the dehydrated faces, lips, elbows, details remain fuzzy, hundreds is visibly plaguing campus knees, and inner thighs. of thousands of dollars will students, who collectively seem “Students will come in here, be used to fund the project’s literally about to disintegrate ambitious endeavors to achieve page E7 against the winter’s harsh condi- they’re so crackly and gross, moist, intact skin for each and tions. and they’ll buy every single every student. The “Moist- “At least we’re all in this moisturizing ingredient we Mosaic Project” aims to provide Conflicted Man Deals with together,” Kaitlyn Anderson can squeeze onto the shelves,” a place for chapped students to stated through a Vaseline-caked explained long-time bookstore come together and voice their Death of Super-Rich In-Laws mouth as a small stream of cashier, Jared Phillips. “They’ll concerns about the daily strug- blood trickled from a crack in get the rejuvenating products, gles of having grody chapped page 88 her lower lip. “I’ve been slath- the balm products, the waxes, skin, and will provide an active ering cream on my hands non- the revitalizing products, even forum to discuss any biased stop. But you know how it goes, Bitch Ass Pussy Bitch slather, slather, slather, CRACK, still look like fucking Gollum - Offended by this Headline BLEED, DAMMIT, I CAN’T and Voldemort’s lovechild.” ance. WIN.” The problem is so perva- page XIV The Washington Univer- sive among the student body VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014
New Sorority Member Feels Empowered, WUnderground
Redefined WUnderground is WashU’s premier [only] satirical After freshman Chelsey Lewis newspaper and should be accepted her bid to join one of Wash- taken about as seriously as ington University’s most elite sorori- the Jamaican bobsled team. ties, she felt an incredible sense of However, the news reported by power and achievement. She had this paper obviously rocked her recruitment conversations, since she got asked at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons pref’s day. After blowing the girls living, ailing or dead is out of the water on bid day she was entirely intentional. at last rewarded with the eternal bonds that only sisterhood and a hefty membership fee can provide. Lewis has been overcome with emotion since her bid acceptance, Corie Miller but is especially pleased to have such crucial guidance and reassur- President ance from her new sisters in the coming years. Whitney Mann “College can be an uncertain time. wait to go to a mixer!” ment concerning the oodles of exclu- Editor in Chief Lewis admits she and many sive sorority goodies she will collect they are, but thanks to recruitment, I new sorority members are strug- from her new sorority sisters. She already know!” Lewis gushed at us gling with an adjustment period can’t believe how lucky she is to in her new “GREEK” t-shirt. “It’s nice as new members slowly begin to have so many role-models to show conforming to their new friend of girls assigned to making sure she me exactly who I’m supposed to be. groups. has a birthday cake every year and Nate Blecher I know that now I’ll probably major “Oh you know, there are slight cupcakes every time she aces an in Psychology, go out on Thirsty hurdles. Like, growing up, I thought exam, or fails an exam, or just does Sam Blumkin Thursdays, have a guaranteed table I was an introvert, but judging by okay on an exam. to sit at in the library, and probably my sorority’s engrained reputation “At the end of the day, nothing Thomas Cochran date a guy in Jim’s frat… Just like my on campus, I was wrong! I also have means more to me than sisterhood,” Callan Coghlan sisters! Plus, now it’s totally okay for Lewis explained as we wrapped me to use exclamation marks all the I was destined to be a blonde. Thank up the interview. “I can already tell Jamie Gerber time! When I talk and when I write! God for hair-dye… Sometimes joining this sorority is the best deci- And smiley faces! And puppy gifs!! genetics can really get it wrong!” sion of my entire life.” Anat Gross And buzzfeed articles!! Yeee, I can’t Lewis has also expressed excite- Clayton Klein Report: Massive Bureaucratic Fuckup J.P. Liebenson Alix Marson Happens Yet Again Andrew Miller In what most people are calling simple paperwork processing will because at least the Career Center is Lauren Paley just another day within a convoluted, prevent some unfortunate student helping me get that summer intern- ship I’ve been looking forward to all Brian Ross system, another failure of university the class he or she needs to complete year.” Rosie Shanley bureaucracy has waylaid the needs his or her major, or graduating Similar and perhaps identical of one more earnest WashU student. on time--maybe all of the above, logistical nightmares will continue Kimball Slade although the exact damage remains to crop up at the university for all of the event suggest that the problem to be seen. - may have been a simple misunder- The student reported not being standing or a failure of communica- particularly disappointed by the them. Mac Slone tion, although some are reporting fundamental error of the system, As of press time, the student’s Ryan Thier that it was the fault of the system at application for the summer intern- large. par for the course. “It’s like that ship he or she has been looking Juliet Zirn Experts say that the exact cause quote,” he or she said expression- of the backrooms nightmare does lessly, “the best laid plans of mice recycling bin on campus, since no and men always go to complete shit one ever bothered to make sure that would take weeks for the university when you’re at the mercy of Wash it made it through the appropriate to organize the information. What- U’s bureaucratic system. Oh well, I channels. We are always recruiting new ever the explanation, the lapse in can’t be too mad at the whole school, members. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, spellczech, or join our weekly massage Everyone at Restaurant Wished They train, email us at: wunder- [email protected], and join Ordered What That Guy Got our facebook group. Last Wednesday during the last few post-pregnancy pounds over her plate of grilled chicken and lunch rush, every single customer at for months now. “There was all this steamed green beans. the neighborhood diner left feeling gooey cheese and pesto sauce… It Turner savored each bite of his smelled mostly like freshly baked meal as he chewed no less than wishing they had ordered what rosemary bread. But then at one twenty times per bite so he could area man Paul Turner was eating. point I thought I smelled a tiny hint of maple syrup. Or I’m not sure exactly what Turner had ordered, really, maybe garlic and thyme? I the dish. He allowed himself nearly all agreed it looked “really friggin’ don’t know. But wow, my mouth is good”. watering. It just smelled so good… the meal, he reportedly turned down ISSN # 1938-0089 “I think it might’ve been the So, so good… Ah fuck, why didn’t requests from all of his children and special,” explained Sarah Myerson, I order that!?” Myerson wondered one stranger to “try just one bite, who has been trying to shed her please, just one.” wunderground.wustl.edu VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014 Conversation About The Weather Sparks Controversy, Fight
Martin Taylor and Chandler lightly at the mouth. Reynolds’s banal weather-related The violent disagreement has small-talk turned violently contro- sparked campus-wide discussions versial last Thursday. Taylor and about which topics are or are not Reynolds shocked students and apprpriate for small-talk as the faculty alike when their mundane university tries to cultivate a safe weather chat erupted into a shame- and caring campus environment. less tussle in the middle of Tisch “I mean, if you ask me, it was Commons. Both Reynolds and erring on the side of sleet anyway…” explained Paula Simons, bystander for WUnderground. “We were in an area with “But I also see how you could windows. It was crystal clear that it was hardly snowing at all,” fumed out there. My point being, you just Taylor as he recalled the incident. “Despite Chandler’s egregious anymore! It’s too ambiguous, and delusions, at most, AT MOST, it was you never know what someone’s thinking. The weather is clearly too contentious for small talk these NOT snowing.” “Literally, a blizzard! I don’t me? Are you FUCKING kidding days.” Reynolds, on the other hand, remember the exact words he used, me? What kind of ignorant dickwad According to weather.com, it maintains that at the time of the but that oblivious asshole had the would have the nerve to say some- was foggy with a 60% chance of incident, it was actually snowing nerve to say that it was more like a thing like that?” Reynolds seethed freezing rain at the time of the inci- light wintry mix. Are you kidding as his comments led him to foam dent.
WUnderground’s Advice for How to Spend Post-Football Sundays
Start planning next year’s Super Bowl party Learn Russian
It’s never too early! Plus the one you threw this year wasn’t exactly “well- Watch Lord of the Rings movie marathons Talk to your girlfriend You can still sit in front of the TV for a disgustingly long amount of time, It’s been almost six months. She misses you. but instead of Tom Brady and Tony Romo you can watch Legolas and Frodo kick ass and take names. over beers Don’t get out of bed
Why would you? There’s no football on. issues in the developing world--there’s plenty of engaging topics to replace
Point Counter-Point
“Check out the biceps on that “Ehh, I’m more of a balls guy!!” girl.”
by Julie Walker, lactose intolerant by Paulina Sanders, dog lover Chemistry student
Wow. Have you seen his arms? He’s so hot. I just love a guy with I know muscles are sexy, manly, point at someone in public, whistle, Oooo just look at them! Look! great arms. veiny, yada yada, but let’s be and say “NIIICE BAAALLS, YO!!” So bulgey, and muscley, and real… The sexiest part of a guy But when I’m checking a guy out, manly, and veiny, and wonder- is his dick. That’s what he uses that’s all I’m looking for. But yeah, fully sexual and raw. Damn. Hot to have sex. That being said, I’m sure, his arms look nice hanging damn. Like, holy fuck, his arms a balls girl. Honestly, all I crave is there, too. really make me want to bang a nice package, but I’m supposed him. Wooeeee. He’s so hot. I’m to be into arms or abs or some sweating. Oh my gosh, can he shit like that. Guys are allowed see me sweating? I bet his arms to be “boobs guys” or “tits guys”, look great when he’s sweating. but I’m never allowed to stand up, VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014 WASH U BIAS REPORT BLOTTER Here’s a sampling of some of the most recent entries from the new Washington University online bias report form. Make sure to read them all with equal care… You wouldn’t want to favor one over another! Top 10... Taste Stereotyping wards view that children need a mom and dad to a 1:20 PM Wednesday, January 22nd - DUC class of eighty students, literally erasing the experi- Servery ences of families with single or same sex parents everywhere. The professor was removed from WashU-Themed Victim was ordering a burger at the 1853 Diner in the DUC. Upon approaching the register the Pornos victim was presumed to desire fries with their of gametes from the mother and father.” Students victim responded “Do I look like I want fries take part in the public shaming of the ex-doctor with that?! You are so inconsiderate, I have a Paws and Blow. potato intolerance!!” Suspect description: “one of the workers, I can’t tell them apart.” 10. Browser Selection 5:35 PM, Sunday, January 26 & Grill Connie’s Choice. With clear bias, suspect Max Finkelberg prefers While standing up on a table, waving a mixed 9. using Internet Explorer as opposed to Chrome cranberry-vodka beverage, and belting Christina or Firefox. Finkelberg reportedly refused to Aguilera’s “Dirrrty” in her favorite crop top last consider the merits of the alternatives, such as Tuesday night, junior Karina Tyler was labeled as Popped Cherry Tree Cafe. rich customization extensions, compatibility “white girl wasted” by passersby at the bar. Karina, 8. with more websites, and private browsing a Chicago native who takes pride in her Irish options, as he stuck with his bigoted Microsoft ancestry, was appalled at the blatant disregard and ways. disrespect for her ethnic roots. Karina reported the event as biased, especially considering that the BDsm. Sampling Bias other white girls “weren’t even as wasted as she 7. 3:45 PM Wednesday, January 22nd - Biology was that night”. Building Microbe Aggression Dr. Marianne Clark, Ph.D., is allegedly guilty 1:34 PM, Friday, January 24 Wait... But You’re My WUSA. of selection bias in her study Allozyme Diversity 6. in Lumbricus Terrestris (Common Earthworm) for The hundreds of thousands of microbes living on taking worms from only her front yard. Clark’s Grace Shin’s hands fell victim to her aggressive sampling mistake made the worms in the back- It’s Ok.. I’m Only Your WUSA. yard feel bad and sub-wormy. Grace know that the majority of the microbes were actually quite harmless, doing nothing at all to 5. Disgusting Display of Heteronormativity threaten her immune system. The systematic ster- 10:22 AM Tuesday, January 21st - 162 McDonnell ilization and destruction of microbes dates to the Hall 1890s when anti-septic behavior became socially Suck All Night. 4. Professor Obukhov spewed his hateful, back- stand against their oppression.
What Are You Looking for in Fraternity Recruits? 3. Tamara’s King Bed.
50% - Balls Two Girls Olin Cup. 70% - Chill bro 2.
20% - Not a registered sex Sleep with Me or I’ll Bias 1. Report You. 15% - Makes good salsa
What Do You Think?
Kyle Murray George Washington Vlad Putin Sweaty Sriracha Harvester Seoul Taco Employee Drunk in Love Heteronormative Ruler That Kid on Campus with a Sriracha Phone Case “ALL HAIL THE QUEEN. “Well... I’d have to squirt SHE IS ALL THAT IS PURE “My asshole sings like “But all my best wet dreams “My eyes!!! They burn!!!!” Beyonce all over my AND GOOD. YOU MUST Beyonce when I eat too have both.” burrito to compare.” PAY TRIBUTE TO THE much Sriracha.“ QUEEN. THE QUEEEEEEN.”