WUnderground’s First Edible Edition! For Real, Take a Bite. VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014 PRICE: .00012 Bitcoins Washington University Tuition Raised Buried to Your Firstborn Child WUnderground ashington Univer- Poor White Husband Finally sity announced Starts Beating Wife changes to its Wtuition structure on Friday, on the grounds that new construc- tion, rising energy prices, and the increasing demands of the Mexican drug cartels that underwrite the univer- sity all amount to a higher cost for students in the coming academic year. Tuition will increase from $44,100 to a life- time of slave labor performed page 64 accept payment for the higher FDA Report: Your Mom tuition in cash, check, or truck- loads of gold, but then we real- Replaces U.S.A. as the ized that it would be easier for Worlds Fattest Country blood,” explained Vice Chan- page 4c cellor for Finance, Lucinda ny of our current students will Environmental Club Protests the Bunny, “Its Rock Looks debts in the remainder of their lifespan, so instead we ask that Too Much Like Coal.” they give us the rights to their unborn children. It’s a heck of a deal, really.” Washington University administrator accepts newborn as tuition payment. Despite the universi- ty’s recent commitment to on a program through which coming years. “Not to worry,” she said, “ by 2018 we plan to many university donors have tuition by stealing babies from be in control of all of the world’s expressed reticence over giving local homeless shelters to pay capital, and then we will no up their own children to fund longer have any need for you scholarships, leaving many low- peasants. I mean…...when the fertility families in the lurch. students’ concerns about economy recovers, tuition - whether they will be able to should come down again.” page iii cial aid is currently working keep up with rising tuition in A Capella Group Recruits Forklift in Reverse Entire Campus Super Chapped As frigid, dry weather sity campus bookstore has that Washington University sweeps through the St. Louis reported astronomical Chap- administrators have begun region, the Washington Univer- Stick and Burt’s Bees purchases discussions regarding a new sity student bodies are report- in the past month as students initiative called the “Moist- edly really chapped right now. try desperately to combat their Mosaic Project.” Although the dehydrated faces, lips, elbows, details remain fuzzy, hundreds is visibly plaguing campus knees, and inner thighs. of thousands of dollars will students, who collectively seem “Students will come in here, be used to fund the project’s literally about to disintegrate ambitious endeavors to achieve page E7 against the winter’s harsh condi- they’re so crackly and gross, moist, intact skin for each and tions. and they’ll buy every single every student. The “Moist- “At least we’re all in this moisturizing ingredient we Mosaic Project” aims to provide Conflicted Man Deals with together,” Kaitlyn Anderson can squeeze onto the shelves,” a place for chapped students to stated through a Vaseline-caked explained long-time bookstore come together and voice their Death of Super-Rich In-Laws mouth as a small stream of cashier, Jared Phillips. “They’ll concerns about the daily strug- blood trickled from a crack in get the rejuvenating products, gles of having grody chapped page 88 her lower lip. “I’ve been slath- the balm products, the waxes, skin, and will provide an active ering cream on my hands non- the revitalizing products, even forum to discuss any biased stop. But you know how it goes, Bitch Ass Pussy Bitch slather, slather, slather, CRACK, still look like fucking Gollum - Offended by this Headline BLEED, DAMMIT, I CAN’T and Voldemort’s lovechild.” ance. WIN.” The problem is so perva- page XIV The Washington Univer- sive among the student body VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014 New Sorority Member Feels Empowered, WUnderground Redefined WUnderground is WashU’s premier [only] satirical After freshman Chelsey Lewis newspaper and should be accepted her bid to join one of Wash- taken about as seriously as ington University’s most elite sorori- the Jamaican bobsled team. ties, she felt an incredible sense of However, the news reported by power and achievement. She had this paper obviously rocked her recruitment conversations, since she got asked at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons pref’s day. After blowing the girls living, ailing or dead is out of the water on bid day she was entirely intentional. at last rewarded with the eternal bonds that only sisterhood and a hefty membership fee can provide. Lewis has been overcome with emotion since her bid acceptance, Corie Miller but is especially pleased to have such crucial guidance and reassur- President ance from her new sisters in the coming years. Whitney Mann “College can be an uncertain time. wait to go to a mixer!” ment concerning the oodles of exclu- Editor in Chief Lewis admits she and many sive sorority goodies she will collect they are, but thanks to recruitment, I new sorority members are strug- from her new sorority sisters. She already know!” Lewis gushed at us gling with an adjustment period can’t believe how lucky she is to in her new “GREEK” t-shirt. “It’s nice as new members slowly begin to have so many role-models to show conforming to their new friend of girls assigned to making sure she me exactly who I’m supposed to be. groups. has a birthday cake every year and Nate Blecher I know that now I’ll probably major “Oh you know, there are slight cupcakes every time she aces an in Psychology, go out on Thirsty hurdles. Like, growing up, I thought exam, or fails an exam, or just does Sam Blumkin Thursdays, have a guaranteed table I was an introvert, but judging by okay on an exam. to sit at in the library, and probably my sorority’s engrained reputation “At the end of the day, nothing Thomas Cochran date a guy in Jim’s frat… Just like my on campus, I was wrong! I also have means more to me than sisterhood,” Callan Coghlan sisters! Plus, now it’s totally okay for Lewis explained as we wrapped me to use exclamation marks all the I was destined to be a blonde. Thank up the interview. “I can already tell Jamie Gerber time! When I talk and when I write! God for hair-dye… Sometimes joining this sorority is the best deci- And smiley faces! And puppy gifs!! genetics can really get it wrong!” sion of my entire life.” Anat Gross And buzzfeed articles!! Yeee, I can’t Lewis has also expressed excite- Clayton Klein Report: Massive Bureaucratic Fuckup J.P. Liebenson Alix Marson Happens Yet Again Andrew Miller In what most people are calling simple paperwork processing will because at least the Career Center is Lauren Paley just another day within a convoluted, prevent some unfortunate student helping me get that summer intern- ship I’ve been looking forward to all Brian Ross system, another failure of university the class he or she needs to complete year.” Rosie Shanley bureaucracy has waylaid the needs his or her major, or graduating Similar and perhaps identical of one more earnest WashU student. on time--maybe all of the above, logistical nightmares will continue Kimball Slade although the exact damage remains to crop up at the university for all of the event suggest that the problem to be seen. - may have been a simple misunder- The student reported not being standing or a failure of communica- particularly disappointed by the them. Mac Slone tion, although some are reporting fundamental error of the system, As of press time, the student’s Ryan Thier that it was the fault of the system at application for the summer intern- large. par for the course. “It’s like that ship he or she has been looking Juliet Zirn Experts say that the exact cause quote,” he or she said expression- of the backrooms nightmare does lessly, “the best laid plans of mice recycling bin on campus, since no and men always go to complete shit one ever bothered to make sure that would take weeks for the university when you’re at the mercy of Wash it made it through the appropriate to organize the information. What- U’s bureaucratic system. Oh well, I channels. We are always recruiting new ever the explanation, the lapse in can’t be too mad at the whole school, members. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, spellczech, or join our weekly massage Everyone at Restaurant Wished They train, email us at: wunder- [email protected], and join Ordered What That Guy Got our facebook group. Last Wednesday during the last few post-pregnancy pounds over her plate of grilled chicken and lunch rush, every single customer at for months now. “There was all this steamed green beans. the neighborhood diner left feeling gooey cheese and pesto sauce… It Turner savored each bite of his smelled mostly like freshly baked meal as he chewed no less than wishing they had ordered what rosemary bread. But then at one twenty times per bite so he could area man Paul Turner was eating. point I thought I smelled a tiny hint of maple syrup. Or I’m not sure exactly what Turner had ordered, really, maybe garlic and thyme? I the dish. He allowed himself nearly all agreed it looked “really friggin’ don’t know. But wow, my mouth is good”. watering. It just smelled so good… the meal, he reportedly turned down ISSN # 1938-0089 “I think it might’ve been the So, so good… Ah fuck, why didn’t requests from all of his children and special,” explained Sarah Myerson, I order that!?” Myerson wondered one stranger to “try just one bite, who has been trying to shed her please, just one.” wunderground.wustl.edu VOLUME 10, ISSUE 5 FEBRUARY 5, 2014 Conversation About The Weather Sparks Controversy, Fight Martin Taylor and Chandler lightly at the mouth.