Helicopter versus Free-Range Parents Who’s Right? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Children’s Representative Seminar Domestic Relations Division Circuit Court of Cook County Hon. Grace Dickler, Presiding Judge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bennett L. Leventhal, MD Professor of and Adolescent Psychiatry University of California San Francisco

I. Why is there so much talk about ? a. What is Parenting? i. A multi-generational, historic problem ii. Except? b. Why is it so hard to be a ? c. Why does everyone have the right answer, yet no one has the right answer?

II. Who can be a Parent? a. Biological b. Physical c. Psychological d. Custodial e. In loco parentis f. Other

III. What are the best types of parent arrangement? a. Mother-Father Together b. Mother-Father Apart c. Mother-Mother d. Father-Father e. Mother-Grandmother f. Mother Alone g. Father Alone h. Foster parenting i. Other

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IV. What is the right way to parent? a. How does each parent know the best way to parent? i. How does someone develop a particular style of parenting? ii. Secret Answers b. Changing roles of men, women and parents c. What are all ? i. Helicopter parents Hang around a lot ii. Free-Range parents Don’t hang around very much iii. Tiger Parents Push very hard iv. Laissez-faire parents Don’t push much at all v. Tolerant Parents Few limits vi. Intolerant parents Many limits vii. Omnipresent parents Always present Always involved viii. Absent parents Rarely present Not available ix. Parenting with substitute parents , day care, babysitters x. Incompetent parents Few, if any, parenting skills xi. Indifferent parents Little if any interest in parenting xii. Addicted parents Intense, unremitting interest in things other than parenting xiii. Parents who do not their children xiv. Other

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V. So, let’s talk about parenting a. How do we learn parenting? i. Preparation for parenting 1. Biology 2. Maturity 3. Modeling 4. Formal Education 5. Planning a. Unplanned b. Planned 6. Partnerships a. Alone b. Mother-father c. Other models ii. Training programs

VI. Parenting Functions a. Homeostasis i. Stability for adaptation ii. Initially food, shelter, hygiene and temperature control iii. Later emotional and behavioral control b. Providing the basics i. Food ii. Shelter iii. Safety 1. Home,, Community, Broader world iv. Healthcare v. Education c. Some “extras” i. Bonding and attachment ii. Establishing a mindset 1. A set of beliefs or assumptions held by individuals that contribute to their world view and can lead to different perceptions and actions. 2. Values a. Kindness and Generosity b. Bias c. Humility d. Gratitude Child Representatives Seminar Page 4 of 5 18 May 2017

e. Respect iii. Privacy/Modesty iv. Stimulating life experience 1. Language a. Words b. Gesture 2. Sensory a. Light, color, music, holding, art, theater, sports, etc. 3. Community 4. Screens? v. Discipline 1. Authoritative 2. Authoritarian vi. Limit-Setting d. Goodness of Fit: i. Individual characteristics of each parent ii. Parent-to-parent iii. Parents to child iv. Parents to extended v. Child to vi. Parents to community vii. Child to Community e. Managing competing demands i. Time ii. Money iii. Other relationships iv. Life roles f. Managing mistakes i. Admitting ii. Apologizing

VII. Political principles parenting a. Best interests of the child i. A theoretical developmental construct ii. Varies 1. From Child to Child 2. From Family to Family 3. From Community to Community 4. With age/developmental level 5. With gender Child Representatives Seminar Page 5 of 5 18 May 2017

6. Values/community iii. Basic elements 1. Physical Safety 2. Health and Nutrition 3. Stable Living Arrangements 4. Shelter/Neighborhood/Community 5. Education 6. Appropriate schooling 7. Appropriate extra-curricular experience & stimulation

VIII. So, what are the secrets to good parenting? a. The Good Enough Parent i. Prepare to be disappointed and disappointing ii. Failure of omnipotence and omniscience b. Stability i. Consistency ii. Predictability iii. Reliability c. Flexibility d. Creating an environment that is open to learning i. Learning from mistakes ii. Children learn from parents iii. Parents learn from children iv. Parents and children learn from the environment e. Having partner or partners i. Respected ii. Mutually supportive f. Developing a goodness of fit i. Sometimes not very easy g. Manage resources wisely and carefully i. Resources 1. Time 2. Money 3. Emotions h. Find balance that works for all but not all the time i. For the child ii. For the family iii. For the parents i. Relax (a little bit) and have fun (some of the time)