DAVE Works for Sainsbury's

The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper

issue 1057 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 8 MAY 2003 7kg

PUT YOUR TROLLEY AWAY Supermarket becomes principal sponsor of USSU’s pilot skills develpoment scheme James Shep- pard divides the population into categories depend- ing on how they DAVE works for Sainsbury’s deposit their trolley in the spuermarket BY SCOTT FARMER AND RICHARD WATTS car-park. By the looks of it, most people do SAINSBURY’S HAS TEAMED up with the not get off lightly Opinion | page 5 University of Surrey Students’ Union (USSU) to become the principal sponsor TEN THINGS I HATE of the DAVE (development, accreditation, ABOUT FILM... volunteering, employability) project, the As the exam semester skills scheme that was launched at the slowly meanders its way start of this academic year in order to help to an end, James Dib- students gain the skills they need in the ley lets off some steam and workplace and beyond. reveals what annoys him The sponsorship will be announced in time about film. There are only for the next academic year and will provide ten points or so there, so it the DAVE project with the administrative, should act as a distraction organisational and personnel skills to take it for only a short amount of your on to the next level, building on the work of vital revision time | page 15 USSU’s non-commercial team this year. As a result of the sponsorhips, anyone who attends a DAVE project session next year IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER will be given an interview automatically if they apply to the Sainsbury’s graduate UniS’ new transport policy paper recruitment scheme. According to recent Attempting to deal with some of the park- recruitment figures which suggest that 80% ing of issues of the first semester, UniS re- of applicants nationwide are not offered an lease their transport paper News | page 3 interview, this means that graduates of UniS with DAVE project experience will have Are the BNP a credible party? a considerable advantage over those from Does the government’s “get tough” policy other universities. on asylum-seekers help parties on the far- Sainsbury’s John Salford – who right harvest support? Opinion | page 5 recommended the DAVE project to the supermarket giant following a one-off The Surrey Alumni Society session he hosted last semester – will be Amintha Buckland highlights the work of attending the Student Awards evening in the the Surrey Alumni Society and urges you to HRB next Thursday (15th May). join its ranks Professional Page | page 9 This year has seen the DAVE project progress at a rate many never expected Suffering from post 9|11-itis would be possible. The flagship scheme A review of Spike Lee’s latest film25th of the non-commercial services – along Hour plus Brian Singer in the penultimate with the V-project – it has seen some 67% director’s cut barearts | page 10 of the registered 700 participants attend Student Learning Programme (NSLP), -ment initiatives in the country. an id | : session as part of the Individual DAVE was based on firm ground: the “There are some very exciting plans for Live Australian bands special Development scheme run by the University. NSLP was initially set-up with funding DAVE. The student training team will be Al Read checks out The Vines and inter- Of those 67%, 26 students have been from the then Department for Education & taking more of a role in the creation of the views Rocket Science whilst watching awarded bronze awards, six their silver and Employment (DfEE), Ford and Proctor & new sessions and redesigning the current young girls faint barearts | page 19 one has reached the pinnacle of the DAVE Gamble, and had over 1100 student trainers training plans we have. project and secured the first gold award of who in turn have trained over 10,000 the “The DAVE project shall also be Rowers take bronze at BUSA the scheme. skills that form the basis of the DAVE undertaking more of the union activity The Women’s Novice Coxed Fours take The DAVE project was set up in order to project. The scheme currently operates in training from next year as well as forming third place at the BUSA championships help establish a non-commercial services over 80 students’ unions across the country. more partnership projects with departments held in Nottingham Sport | page 24 department within USSU. Having run The future of DAVE now lies in BIG from the university following the hugely into financial difficulties some three years DAVE and little DAVE and its newly successful FUSE sessions. [FUSE is the ago, it was realised the Union had to offer recruited student trainers, forming a team Federal University of Surrey Entrepreneurial much more than simply bars and those of some seven student trainers alongside scheme].” years of planning have resulted in DAVE, the Student Services Co-ordinator at USSU, The DAVE project is currently recruiting the V-project (which concerns itself with Scott Farmer. for its new set of student trainers for next volunteering) and a welfare & advice Commenting on the association of the academic year. If you are confident, outgoing, service. As a local version of the National DAVE project with Sainsbury’s, Mr Farmer approachable and enjoy a challenge as well said: “The recognition of a major sponsor as being capable of motivating people like Sainsbury’s is magnificent considering and can afford to give up some time away this is only the end of the pilot year. This from lectures then get in touch with the means that DAVE can continue to grow and Union: [email protected] or (01483) become one of the best student develop- (68)3951. barefacts believes | page 4 2 NEWS 8 May 2003 In memoriam: Mrs Karen Cooper Table-tennis Much-loved student will be missed by her department talent?

IT IS WITH deep regret that we announce ideal student namely ability, commitment FOLLOWING ON FROM a couple of enquiries to the sudden death of Mrs Karen Cooper and an enthusiasm to study. the Sports Office, the Students’ Union are who was a Level 2 undergraduate in the Being married and somewhat older than looking to re-establish the table-tennis club. School of Engineering. Karen – who was the average undergraduate Karen became There is a British Universities Sporting NOTICES 41 – suffered a sudden and fatal stroke last the “den mother” for students of Chemical Association (BUSA) competition for both Saturday (3rd May). Engineering: she was the “rock” they leaned a men’s and a women’s team, but most Chemistry AGM13th May 1pm Grant Karen was a mature student following the on when life became difficult. importantly, we are looking to provide a Mitchell Committee Room Chemical Engineering BEng programme. We will all miss Karen and our deepest meeting point for players to just have a Postgraduate Association AGM 14th Coming up to university after a number of sympathy goes to her husband Jonathan and game or two. Currently, facilities are rather May 7.45pm Wates Bar years as a DHSS Benefits Officer Karen her children Daniel (13) and Natalie (6). limited, but with a flourishing new club, that Iranian Society AGM 15th May 6pm displayed all those attributes we seek in the Dr Alan Millington could easily change. Lecture Theatre H If you are interested in table-tennis at any Mountain Walking 21st May 1pm TB level, whether it be competitive or just a Photosoc AGM 22nd May TB 1pm The picture on the left was drawn social knockabout, please e-mail Kris Temple Sailing Club AGM....Wednesday 14th by E. H. Shepard - the creator of in the Students’ Union. Alternatively, drop May....6pm....Committee Room Winnie the Pooh - whilst on the by the Sports Office in the Union to see the Thurs 14th May - Equestrian AGM - train between Guildford and Lon- great man in person. Committee Room - 5pm don in 1922. The open day of the E-mail Kris: [email protected] Men’s waterpolo AGM – Monday wk.14 Shepard Archive took place last – 6:30pm - ?? Tuesday (6th May) at which replica Magick and pagan agm 20 wedneday in memorabilia was sold. roots at 6:30. The University is host to the Ar- I’ve solved Riemman’s hypothesis chive which was given to the Uni- Rag agm on tuesday 20th may @7pm in the versity during the lifetime of the committee room in the union artist and contains a vast amount of Tenpin Bowling Club agmwednesday interesting material on the life and 28th May, 6:30pm, Grant Mitchell Room work of The Man Who Drew Pooh. USSU Rag-raiders once again prove their worth to charity with £27,000 loot for meningitis This Easter 50 students from around managed to raise over £27,000. UK’s biggest annual street collections the UK joined forces for the Meningitis On the 16th and 17th of April 8 students - ‘London Loot’. Organised by the ZOE KILB Research Foundation’s fifth annual from Surrey RAG joined RAGs from Meningitis Research Foundation the ‘London Loot’ and between them around the UK to take part in one of the event managed to raise an amazing “Meningitis and septicaemia are £27,209 for the charity in just two days, devastating diseases and Surrey RAG is topping last year’s ‘record breaking’ proud to say that it has done its little bit to total of £18,000. help the fight against them.” Surrey Raggies collected £2262.91, which is a fantastic amount considering supervisors 5 out of 8 of them had never been on a very frightening disease that can strike ‘Rag Raid’ before! Surrey’s top collector anyone at anytime and again and again was, once again Catherine Marshall, a Surrey collectors were approached in the required second year music student who collected street by people who wanted to talk to us th th a whooping great £555.63 over the two and tell us how Meningitis had affected £6.50 - £7 p/h :: 28 July - 8 August days. Anya Porochina (also a music their lives. student) came in second with £363.62 and There are over 3,000 reported cases of was closely followed by Alex Blackmore Meningitis and Septicaemia in the UK FISH is an activity based scheme being run by Guildford who managed to collect £299.89 on his every year – this means that each year Borough Council for children aged 10-16 this summer first ever raid! Everyone did a brilliant one in every 20,000 will get Meningitis job, and all Surrey’s Raggies managed – the inflammation of the lining of the totals of over £150. brain and spinal cord or Septicaemia - an infection in the blood caused by Activities include DJ & graffiti work- RAG stands for ‘Raising and Giving’ and Raggies aim to do this by having as poisons that are released by the same shops, skiing, climbing, comedy and much fun and as many laughs as possible bacteria that cause Meningitis. These much more – with the London Loot certainly giving diseases can strike anyone at any age Surrey RAG the opportunity to do but babies, children and young adults this in style. Highlights of the event for are particularly vulnerable. Students, We are looking for reliable, enthusiastic, Surrey included managing to persuade as I’m sure you are all well aware are a self motivated individuals to work as su- London Taxi drivers to part with their particularly high-risk group; at anyone pervisors on the programme. Working hard earned cash, having a professional time one in ten people will be carrying closely with the professional facilitators photographer take their photo, this bacteria, whereas one in four persuading a bus driver at some traffic students will carry the bacteria. Most you will supervise children and help run lights to empty his pockets, someone will carry the bacteria in the back of the the activities. ‘paying’ Alex for wearing such a stupid nose and throat without even realising, hat, and a very kind woman stopping to however in a few people the bacteria write a cheque for £20. Not only did they can overcome the body’s immune If you think you have what it takes and you want two weeks get to meet other students from around defences and pass into the blood stream of action packed fun, then contact: the country, make new friends, have a – and once there they can cause either few laughs and more than a few beers Meningitis or Septicaemia. Although Susan Kelland :: (01483) 444769 but they also got the satisfaction knowing vaccines are available against some for more information. each and everyone of them had made a forms of Meningitis and Septicaemia real and very tangible difference. And some of the most deadly forms are that’s the point: Meningitis is a real and not vaccine preventable and all forms 8 May 2003 NEWS 3 University transport plan restricts parking possibilities

Off-campus parking to fall within University “exclusion zone”

THIS WEEK THE University released its BY PAUL WRIGHT transport plan for 2003-04. In it the proposals cover changes regarding travelling The policy has been brought about as a to, from and around campus. The biggest result of complaints from local residents issue for students living on campus will be that the university ‘displaces’ parking by not the introduction of a new parking restraint having adequate spaces for the demand from to the Conditions of Residence which states: staff and students. Currently the contention “Students who are resident in Campus ratio is five permits issued for every three Courts may not... while in residence... keep spaces (5:3) and that excludes people denied [a car or other four wheeled motor vehicle] a space due to the exclusion zone. on the public roads within the “exclusion Another possibly problematic issue is the zone” used for deciding eligibility for closure of the spine road to through traffic. parking permits.” Reading between the The spine road that runs through the middle lines it would seem that if the parking were of campus will be pedestrianised between off-road in a garage or private driveway then AA/BA and AQA/AD in the interests of back after holidays to drop off or collect. Above: the entrance to the spine road - which is to this would not contravene this policy. safety. This issue has surfaced with the Under these proposals the only access will close - near Senate House Photo: Paul Wright increase in numbers of pedestrians crossing be via UniSport which is regularly locked at the spine road and will be further exuberated weekends thereby removing that option. What does the transport plan suggest? when the new management school building On a positive note the University have taken improvements to the underpasses on finally opens this summer. onboard the concerns raised by the “Lights. the western edge of campus It remains to be seen how access at Cameras. Action.” campaign. Safe Walking weekends will be handled; though there is no Routes is one of the larger sections of the closure of the spine road official parking by the residences there has proposals and states that the University, been previously an unwritten understanding through the University Transport Policy new bus service for Hazel Farm that parents or students could drive up to the Group (UTPG), will fund a large proportion residences when moving out or moving of the infrastructure costs to install more a new waiting area outside the new powerful lighting and CCTV coverage. management building UTPG are open to comments on the policies during latest fund-raising in the capital city outlined, you have until 5pm 23rd May 2003 changes to the staff parking-permit to send comments to [email protected]. can kill within hours. Early detection child’s or their friend’s or their relative’s year, the part-time staff parking per- The outline and plan can be found online at: mits and the charges for parking is vital; knowing the symptoms and life, if they had not read the MRF’s http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/bss/traveltrans/ getting medical help quickly saves lives. literature on the diseases they would not Information on symptoms is available at have taken them to hospital and they www.meningitis.org.uk. would not have received treatment that Meningitis and Septicaemia are saved their life. devastating diseases. Around 10% of Surrey RAG is proud to say that those who contract these diseases sadly they have done their little bit to help die and those that recover may be left the Foundation’s fight against death with permanent disabilities such as brain and disability from Meningitis and damage, deafness and amputations. Septicaemia. The Meningitis Research Foundation The £2000 Surrey raised will: funds vital scientific research into the • Pay for 500,000 symptom cards giving prevention, detection and treatment of potentially life saving information. these two diseases, raises awareness of • Pay for 6000 mini-packs containing the diseases and offers support to victims information on all aspects of Meningitis and their friends and families through and Septicaemia. in-depth information and befriending. • Pay for 5000 audiotapes with The Foundation runs a freephone 24 information in minority languages hour help-line – the only one on this • Run the help-line for 160 hours subject in the country – its there to • Fund 8 days of research answer questions and also offer support Catherine Marshall (Rag Chair) and to those affected by these diseases – 080 Zoe Kilb (London Loot co-ordinator for 88003344. Surrey) would like to give a heartfelt As you can see the Foundation does vital thank-you to Alex Blackmore, Attika work: one London Loot Organiser Iain Choudhary, Lindsey Holland, Shakira Elliot told us how every week someone Maknoon, Anja Porochina, and ‘Anita’ rings up or writes to the Foundation Ying Shi for giving up two days of their thanking them for saving their holiday to take part in this event and an even bigger thank you to everyone who donated! After this year’s RAG week and our successes at London Loot I think we can officially now say RAG IS BACK. For more information on Meningitis and Septicaemia or about the Meningitis Research Foundation you can call their freephone helpline 080 88003344 (24hr) or visit their website www.meningitis.org.uk. For more information about Surrey RAG visit www.ussu.co.uk/rag or email [email protected]. 4 OPINION 8 May 2003

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION UNION HOUSE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY GUILDFORD GU2 7XH WWW.USSU.CO.UK The transport plan is a reasonable solution but more needs to be done

The University is stuck between a rock and port plan the off-campus ‘exclusion zone’ in a hard place. On one hand, they have their the no-go parking areas is a relatively good Manor Park project looming in the distance idea. The only problem, though, is the one - a massive undertaking to say the least that was there in the first place: where are that will see UniS double its size over the people supposed to park? next 25-30 years. On the other hand, they The autumn semester over-flow car-park on have Guildford Borough Council, the ever the NatWest field proved a point and it is cautionary group of counsellors tasked with perhaps worthy of the University’s consid- ensuring this town doesn’t do anything too eration as to whether they should continue extraordinary or off-the-wall. to knock up buildings left, right and centre And at points these two organisations are without adequate provision for car-parking simply not compatible in their thinking. that they are not allowed to build anyway. That said, the University must do all they Perhaps after all it is simply the University’s There is only one issue of barefacts left this year. If there is anything you would like to submit for next can to help prevent aggravating the Borough thinking that is not compatible with itself. week’s publication, please e-mail it to [email protected] by 5pm on Monday at the latest. Alter- and in particular local residents who are only On a different note, the explicit reference to natively, publicise your events/notices etc. via the bulletin board at ussu.co.uk. too quick to let the Borough know when the the subways located on the west of campus University is causing problem, as is the case is a welcome sign of support for the “Lights. with car-parking off-campus. Camera. Action.” campaign and we con- That the University has attempted to deal tinue to work with the University in order to with this problem is commendable, and find a solution to the safety issues concern- The only option for the future of Iraq barefacts is sure that including in the trans- ing these throughfares. is E.T. (even though he’s a bit short)

Photo: Paul Wright DAVE isn’t doing too bad for a chap SINCE THE COALITION is dictator again, and another apparently not to be trusted with war would just be, well, the future of Iraq, and neither is inconvenient. They also just out of nappies the UN (well it clearly isn’t a need to be able to act viable option, what with the quickly, since the longer It is amazing what can be achieved in 9 have surpassed most people’s expectation, all-powerful Security Council any peacekeeping force months: at the start of this academic year, to such an extent that the former scheme is etc), we appear to be at a bit hangs around, the less the Students’ Union launched some brand now to be sponsored by a well-known, repu- of an impasse – who can we well they are liked by the new initiatives and opened up a new depart- table company in the form of Sainsbury’s, trust to sort it all out? Who PHILIP HOWARD people under occupation. ment in order to develop - or should we say who promise to offer UniS students with is impartial, with no internal But of course, these must create - the non-commercial services arm of skills acquired through DAVE an interview politics, no vested interests? “How are you going to be whiter-than-white and the Union’s activities. on their graduate training programme. Clearly, we need to ask the keep order when you are have absolutely no interest Its goal was to provide students with the Such giant strides should be congratulated aliens. but a couple of inches tall? in oil, whatsoever. Clearly, skills they require to make them stand out and with those congratulation, a cautionary Although not the pan- Clearly the only option is to if we trust neither The above the sea of graduates following univer- word in USSU’s ear to ensure they do not dimensional mice, since phone E.T.” Coalition nor the UN, our sity and increase their chances of securing a rest on their laurels. This means they must they’d probably ban cats, only option is to phone ET. decent job. We dare say the University had ensure that the pilot project that involved birds of prey and the like, so clearly they To be blunt, we need to be realistic about something to do with it in order to maintain 700 students in its sessions this year makes would have a bias. And also, well, how what we can demand of whoever has to raise their particularly high employment figures, the transition to the wider student population are you going to keep order when you are Iraq from the rubble. There are no available too. next year and finds that figure of students but a couple of inches tall? Oh and not the aliens to my knowledge, and clearly neither Even then, with positive forecasting at the involved growing bigger and bigger each ones from the Alien films – human rights The Coalition nor the UN is perfect, but start of the year, the DAVE and V- projects year. issues, you understand. Or those ones from somehow one of them must be chosen to The Simpsons, as they clearly watch too rebuild Iraq as a modern, democratic and much telly, and so will be accused of pro- free state, with control of its own resources. American bias. The Daleks would work fine, At the moment, because the UN is being A final reminder: next week is the last up until someone points out that they’re not obscured by France and Russia refusing to exactly democratic – when was the last time clear Iraq’s debt, my faith is in The Coalition. barefacts for the year the Dr Who was able to escape because I know that the chances are that the oil won’t the Daleks were having a vote? That and be entirely free from the control of Western A final reminder that next week will see the last barefacts for this semester and thus this of course being machines, they’d probably hands, but I also know that the longer that academic year - following this, you will have to get your information either via the bulletin be after the oil too. I can almost hear the we dither and fail to come up with the board and website www.ussu.co.uk or through word of mouth. If you have anything you re- collective mental chant among you – “Jedi, goods, the worse the world’s opinion of ally would like to get off your chest, please send it in for the final edition by Monday. jedi, jedi” – but of course they are nothing us, in particular the Iraqis’. At least in the but militant religious fanatics, what could US and the UK, we directly elect those be worse? responsible, whereas even if the UN has a So we’re after a group that is sufficiently majority view on something, there’ll always THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK powerful (and tall, of course) to be able be a way of vetoing it or holding it up. But to keep the peace in Iraq, and maintain as far as I can see, the one option that will “Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance.” order. But they do need to be democratic, do the most damage is inaction. Even if the WILL DURANT (1885 - 1981) since otherwise we’ll end up with a brutal aliens turn up. 8 May 2003 OPINION 5 Mixed feelings concerning the credibility of the far-right in Britain The tabloid press and the government, whether they like it or not, are helping the BNP to get elected

THE LOCAL ELECTIONS that took place last Mr Richard Littlejohn of a week benefits and houses they would hope, the government is instead week once again saw a rise in the number The Sun complained that on council estates no right- helping them to seem credible by adopting of people supporting far-right organisations, a boat which sank in the wing supporter would want this “get tough” attitude lauded by the BNP who are quickly gaining support on the English Channel did not to live in. and similar organisations. back of the race riots the year before last contain asylum-seekers, a That the gutter-press It must surely now be the time for the and, more worryingly, the government’s columnist in The Daily Mail promotes these lies is, present government to deal not with the handling of asylum seekers and the policies (supposedly the ‘newspaper however unfortunate, small flow of generally legitimate asylum- employed to ‘tackle’ the associated issues. of the year’) wonders why predictable and it is the seekers but instead the relentless stream of As an example, the British National Party people are not proud of role of government to lies emanating from the tabloid press. (BNP) is now the official opposition in “white culture” and Gary RICHARD WATTS replace these fallacies and Finally, let us remember that one BNP Burnley and even registered some votes in Bushell – the star of late misrepresentations with fact. candidate in Leeds has said that his hero is this very (Conservative) town of Guildford. night Granada TV’s Men “The Home Office has And yet the Home Office Adolf Hitler and that his preference between The question therefore needs to be asked: and Motors channel and ended up conceding to the has ended up conceding to living in contemporary Britain or Nazi are the BNP and the ‘politics’ they promote former television pundit bigots of the far-right with the bigots of the far right Germany would see him back in the 1930’s credible? The answer, according to the for The Sun – was openly their ‘get tough’ policy.” and insisted they are trying and 40’s. There is no rationale for dealing tabloids and the government’s handling of celebrated by the BNP when to “tackle” asylum-seekers. with these people. things, is mixed. he said he was going to run This is presumably an Asylum-seekers have become the new as London mayoral candidate for the UK attempt to stop the problem that is fuelling blacks: no-one is willing to respect them Independence Party. the support for the BNP, yet there are two in or treat them equally as human beings, a These newspapers are responsible for problems that arise as a result of this. First of prejudice I hold the tabloid press accountable prejudices concerning asylum-seekers all the government, though being ‘tough’ on for. Whether they like it or not, the tabloid – that they are selfish, greedy thieves that asylum-seekers, does not have a record that press (aside from the now reasonably carry disease – and echo those applied to backs up that approach and they now have respectable Mirror) has realised that racism the Jews long before them and bend the no electoral credit for their “toughness.” HARD AS NUTS sells newspapers and what is more, it sells half-truths to such a point that the originl Thus people look for alternatives. newspapers in those constituencies and fact is hardly recognisable below the veneer Second of all, the French elections of last wards that feel most threatened by any of barely-disguised contempt. “Holidays” year show that appeasing the far right over supposed ‘impacts’ of asylum-seekers on are in fact day-trips to Blackpool and asylum only helps the far right in the long al read interviews rocket science :: p.18 the economy, benefits and employment. “luxurious lifestyles” are the result of £37 run. Instead of preventing a rise in facism as

Disposing of a shopping trolley is more revealing than you might imagine Photo: Paul Wright FOR MOST STUDENTS, shopping is an These are the hardcore, certainly breaks down when time, they are obstacles to anyone trying to unavoidable part of the grinding routine no-nonsense, self-centred making legal comparisons: navigate the car park, and any self-respecting of life. For some, the local convenience shoppers. They’ve done leaving or depositing car owner is not overly fond of ridged metal store or campus shop stock everything their their shop, they’ve got out litter is a criminal offence, things scraping along their paintwork. Stray little hearts desire beyond fags and alcohol, to the car park as fast as they subject to a maximum trolleys not only take up parking spaces that while for the majority, the extra distance to can and the car is loaded up. fine of £2,500, whereas I other shoppers would appreciate, they also a supermarket is a small price to pay for the There’s no messing about have never heard of a law have the tendency to shift unexpectedly: wider selection and generally lower prices. here: once the last bag is in, punishing consumers for it’s almost like watching the pushchair-on- In my experience, Sainsbury’s on the High the boot is down and they’re leaving a shopping trolley the-steps scene from “The Untouchables” Street caters for those of us without a car (or gone. JAMES SHEPPARD in the wrong part of the when a trolley catches a gust of wind and an acquaintance with a car) and quick visits 2) “Oh look, there’s a car park. (Incidentally, makes its way down a gentle slope that some when we’re already in town. Tesco, on the trolley/some trolleys over local authorities can collect genius left it on, rumbling ever closer to the other hand, is often the weapon of choice for there. I’ll put my one “Incidentally, the local abandoned shopping trolleys brand new BMW parked nearby... those in possession of a vehicle; be it car, nearby.” For these people, authorities can collect and charge owners for their So next time you go shopping, and you’ve minibus or even bicycle. the existence of even a abandoned trolleys and return.) taken the last bag out of the trolley, think Certainly for the first few years of my time single trolley is enough to charge for their return.” The fact remains that it about what to do with it. Your decision at university I was a regular Sainsbury’s denote an official return takes a finite amount of time reflects the sort of person you are, and your shopper. I usually did a shop at the end of a point, regardless of location for the poor sod employed to regard for others (or lack thereof). wander around the town centre, and didn’t (e.g. in a disabled parking bay, in front of a get hold of the trolleys and return them to mind the trek back with several bags in each cash machine, in a flower bed, etc) where they’re supposed to go. During this [email protected] hand. With time, the number of my contacts 3) “I’m going to put my trolley back in the with cars grew, and trips to Tesco became place marked ‘Please Return Your Trolley more and more frequent. These days I hardly Here’, but at a random angle” Oh, sooo close. need to bother going anywhere else. They’ve almost got it right; the decision to “Fine” you might think. “Er, no” I would return the trolley is not in question, neither reply if I were telepathic. You see, the Tesco is the correct identification of where to store in Guildford suffers from a bizarre put it. Sadly, like the leading horse in the phenomenon that I have seen at other Grand National falling at the final fence, and places but never to the same extent. You despite all the best intentions, the foremost may have noticed too; hey, you may even objective remains incomplete. be partly responsible. What am I on about? You may argue: “So what if I don’t put my I am of course referring to the total lack of trolley back? They hire people to go around intelligence that an embarrassing number of and collect them anyway”, and you’d shoppers suffer from when faced with an be right, but think about it this way: the empty trolley after unloading the shopping council hires workers to clean up the litter into their car. on the streets that people leave lying around. Let me elaborate. There are three types of Until its gone, the rest of the public have offenders: 1) “I’m not even going to attempt to put up with it or tidy it up themselves. to return my trolley. I’ll just leave it here.” The analogy is by no means perfect, and 6 FEATURE 8 May 2003 With hugs and

trumpeting the scandal as news. which this emerging technology has barbarism. I’ve done something worse. For the redefined the whole sphere of human Anyway, with the power of the last few months I’ve been writing this knowledge has been awesome. High- printed word, I have endeavoured to occasional column, looking at life speed domestic Internet connections, tap all of the guilt, fear, inadequacy, from the point of view that not only is mobile video telephony, one humiliation and disappointment your glass half empty; it’s half empty thousand television stations beamed which underlie our fragile society. because the person who you thought from a single geostationary satellite: These truly are Mankind’s most was your best friend deliberately none of this was conceivable even a powerful and enduring weapons. In emptied the first half of it onto your dozen years ago. fact, I was busy trying to fuse them trousers to distract you and, in the In the 1960s, our parents prophesied into a force strong enough to take ensuing confusion, stole your wallet that something a bit milder than this over the world, when George Bush and spiked your remaining beverage would happen. They got about as far came along and ruined my plans by with a nasty tranquiliser intended for as the computerised switchboard, doing the same thing with a huge use on cattle. and promised some other things army instead of a small student In my vainest moments, I might for a joke, such as Maglev trains, newspaper. have kept this up by deluding the colonisation of Mars, robot Something, though, has happened Not only was Ben Supper’s glass myself that such an outlook is both servants, and an efficient National in the last few days which has torn soothing and instructive. Wasn’t Health Service. Come the dawn of through this paper-thin veneer, and half-empty, but he was perfectly hap- I, after all, bringing new recruits the new Century, they promised, we has made me realise what utter to a growing body of cynics who would all be citizens of leisure, with rubbish I’ve been talking. More py to tell everyone about it and try to realise exactly what the last five more electricity and petrol around sensitive readers, who will already thousand years of civilisation have than we could use. Without human have worked out exactly what’s convert them to cynicism as well. Is done for us? That almost everything intervention, curvaceous metal-and- going on in my head, may want to he feeling any better of late? Things we have strived to improve since plastic machines would perform all look away now to preserve their the invention of the wheel -- be it of our drudgery for us. Meanwhile, stomach linings. certainly seem to be looking up... money, religion, politics, schooling, we would sit around all day in I’ve fallen in love. entertainment, employment, or Philippe Starck chairs eating grapes, I’m very sorry. This isn’t easy. MAJOR CHARLES INGRAM’S wife protracted and humiliating mating smoking bad weed, and writing My model of how life works was coughed on Who Wants to be a rituals in sweating rooms with big awful poetry. developing perfectly well on its own, Millionaire to help him win some loudspeakers -- seems to have been That future never materialised notwithstanding the fact that any such money, and the couple were branded engineered for idiots? for most of us. Instead, the fruit model is usually self-perpetuating as cheats. But when the raison d’etre Just in case I’ve lost you, here’s of our information revolution is even if it’s crap. My first and only of a television quiz show is greed, today’s example. Over the last more shopping channels, adverts, other relationship ended in mid-air can you really blame a contestant hundred years, our population interactive Iraqi war, porn, gambling two years ago when my girlfriend for being greedy? After all, it’s a has been transformed by a and football. Rather than standing jumped ship for someone with a bit prerequisite for an entertaining game! communications revolution. The as a shining monument to the Glory more je ne s’ais quoi. In spite of this, Conspiring to cheat a television telegraph, phonograph, thermionic of Humanity, every technological we managed to remain friends: a feat company out of about fifty seconds valve, television, transistor, innovation we’ve been served in the requiring such Herculean effort on of advertising revenue is petty by communications satellite, computer past two decades has demonstrated both of our parts that I am, to this anybody’s standards, and ITV have network: there are too many separate that we haven’t progressed a day, bewildered and utterly grateful undoubtedly saved millions more by inventions to list, but the speed with hair’s breadth from hypocrisy and that it all worked out.

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? 2002 - 2003 The views expressed within the paper are those of individual If you have a complaint about any item in this authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, editor in chief | richard watts [[email protected]] Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about University of Surrey. it. editor film editors This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, If you remain dissatisfied please contact the sarah butterworth [[email protected]] stewart fudge [[email protected]] stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express Press Complaints Commission - an independant deputy editor jolyon hunter [[email protected]] permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide position vacant photography editor All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. by their decision. news editor chris hunter [[email protected]] philip howard [[email protected]] literature editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editors chris ward [[email protected]] 1 Salisbury Square alex read [[email protected] sports editor barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB simon robinson [[email protected]] eddison ruswa [[email protected]] Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor lifestyle editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 rachael bemrose [[email protected]] morgan gooch [[email protected]] WWW.USSU.CO.UK Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 8 May 2003 FEATURE 7 lots of kisses, love Ben xx

you’re still not gay? Why don’t you “That future never materialised for most of us. Instead, the fruit of spend another five years getting to our information revolution is more shopping channels, adverts, know your sexuality? Scientists have proved that love’s just a reflex of the interactive Iraqi war, porn, gambling and football. Our progress is immune system, and you’re deluding yourself.’ a hair’s breadth from hypocrisy and barbarism.” In the midst of this contradictory turmoil, the English are frequently Around this time, I invented the rule, and who am I to disagree? True, not easy to write about this stuff. accused of being unromantic. This ‘Never hang out with people more they’re the same chemicals which It’s almost impossible to say is a groundless accusation: our beautiful or more gifted than you.’ have transformed many an ambitious, anything about love that’s original, authors have a propensity for writing Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. hard-nosed bastard I once knew into honest or funny, because it’s beautifully about love. But here’s the If I bothered to look carefully, I a contented, watery-eyed slave, but everywhere. Different flavours of snag: they only ever write about it could find a hundred more reasons progress always has its price. it are emblazoned witlessly across going wrong. There is no shortage why things are worse this week than All the inspiration I found in fourteen-year-old schoolgirls’ T-shirts of excellent English literature about they were last week. About sixty of solitude is evaporating faster than in text message slang. It’s aped on all kinds of love ending horribly. these would involve downloadable amyl nitrate at one of Barrymore’s every cinema screen in hermetically- The most famous love story in this ringtones and public transport. But parties. So why am I still here? sealed, genetically perfect parodies, language, Romeo and Juliet, is a I’m not looking any more. My brain Well, even amid the fluffy cupids and everyone’s bored and fatigued of tragedy. If television adaptations has begun to release some chemicals and oleaginous comforting voices love by the time they reach twenty, are to be believed, vast swathes of into my bloodstream to tell me that orbiting my head, somebody is still because it’s cheap as dirt and it’s just Nineteenth-century romantic fiction everything’s going to be all right, raining on my parade. You see, it’s inescapable. exist only to chronicle the evil To add to the confusion, I’m machinations of charming, coiffed being brainwashed from both sides. bastards in tight trousers. At the other Channel Four, for example, tells end of the cultural scale, EastEnders me that it’s fine to have the sexual refuses to run a love-related plot morals of a tomcat and to shout line that ends without an actress about it semi-articulately on evening screaming in a dark, rain-soaked television. But in Channel Four square while car headlights hurtle Land, everyone lives in a penthouse towards her. All of which is terribly apartment in New York, has a six- romantic. figure salary, and does absolutely Oh, I know I’m a traitor. It’s been nothing all day but hang about with a difficult week, and it’s very tricky their friends, shopping, arguing, and to write about this without coming drinking frothy adjective-adjective- across as anything but a boastful latte, before going out at night to and self-indulgent prick. But if this explore the dark side of their sexual goes well, you may never hear from psyche and their tolerance to exotic me again. If it goes badly, there’s alcohol. every chance that I’ll end up with a All of this appears to be very fantastic screenplay. The only thing well, until I accidentally glance at I’m afraid of is mediocrity. an open copy of the Daily Mail. Wish me luck. It reminds me that real love has never been experienced by anybody except recently dead servicemen, and that physical contact of any kind between men and women is a scientifically provable abomination -- unless both partners are over the age of thirty-five, properly dressed, clean-shaven, insufferably dull, and vote Conservative. Ridiculous and loathsome as it is, there’s something comforting about this degree of certainty. That’s because one kind of stupidity provides a relief from the other. If petty religious bigotry doesn’t get to me, the other side will, and it will whimper, ‘But what if you’re a genetic polygamist! Are you sure 8 FOCUS: LOCAL ELECTIONS 8 May 2003 Focus on the local elections: what do Guildford Borough Councillors do?

Following on from last week’s local elections, Rich Watts looks at what these elections actually are and how they fit in with the bigger picture of national politics

THE LOCAL ELECTIONS that took place around candidates were successful due to their the country last week determined who would support over the last few weeks, though it be the local councillors for the next four must be noted that turn-out in the Onslow years. All those that were elected will now ward was low compared with other wards. sit as councillor and representatives of their The councillors for Onslow are Tony wards – the particular areas of the Borough Phillips (who will be handing on his they were elected by – on their respective Mayoralty this month) and Lynda Strudwick Borough Councils. of the Liberal Democrats and Sheila Borough Councils are responsible for Kirkland of the Conservative Party (see everything that happens at a local level and box) though the Borough is controlled by are the main decision makers within the local the Conservative area. They look at areas such as economic What do the latest local elections mean on development, housing issues, community a national stage? The feelings are mixed, developments and schemes, sports facilities, aside from the usual numbers games played Above: the count last Thursday at the Guildford Civic Hall to determine the next Guildford Borough Council heritage and ancient monuments, transport by each of the three main political parties. evening were the Liberal Democrats, who control; further still, it is a not-quite-so- allocations and the environment strategies Let’s start with the Conservatives (always a under the their charming leader Charles simple-case of will-they-won’t-they as to of local areas; they also deal with specific good place to start since most people assume Kennedy saw them once again pick up whether the Conservative Party retain Iain problems that might arise by liaising with that they are finished). Having gained some voters who are disillusioned with the main Duncan Smith as their leader. appropriate authorities. For example, the 550 seats or so – equating to 40 (of 340) two parties. “Lights. Camera. Action.” campaign is gained councils over which they hold control, Thinking ahead to a general election, the Onslow ward local election results currently being discussed by this newspaper, it would seem that the Tories pulled off results of last week only served to show the Students’ Union, the University and the something of a victory, but considering they that things could have been much worse Joseph Bullock (L) 541 Michael Chambers (C) 893 Borough Council. were aiming for an incredibly conservative for each of the main political leaders and Adrian Chandler (C) 960 The County Council, whose members (excuse the pun) target of just 30 seat gains that as things stand, we’re in much the Florence Flynn (L) 382 will be elected in two years time in similar in order to help their leader seem credible, same position as we were before the local Steven Freeman (LD) 920 elections, is the collection of Borough this figure amounts to nothing more than elections started. Sheila Kirkland (C) 984 elected Tony Phillips (LD) 1094 elected Councils within a particular county; thus suggesting they are treading water. Two In England, the Conservative Leader, Mr Raymond Rogers (L) 310 Surrey County Council consists of Boroughs elections ago, they lost nearer 1400 seats Iain Duncan Smith harvested 35% of the Wichard Stephnes (G) 310 such as Guildford, Waverley and Woking. and it is reasonable to suggest they are still vote (which is, incidentally, lower than the Lynda Strudwick (LD) 1115 elected For the sake of argument, County Councils making up for those losses. number William Hague delivered as leader do much the same as Borough Councils Labour were certainly defeated and – as of the opposition when he was leader of the Electorate 6353 except on a much bigger scale. was the case with the normally safe ward Tories). In order to win the general election, Seats 3 The University falls within the Onslow of Westborough here in Guildford – lost the Tories would have needed to secure 42% Ballot papers 2641 % poll 41.57 ward of the Guildford Borough and has three some seats they would normally consider of the vote, which translates to 1000 gains. elected councillors as its representatives on safe. Is this something they should be It’s a simple case of maths to see the Tories Source: www.guildford.gov.uk Guildford Borough Council. It is possible worried about? The simple answer is no. are some way from retaining governmental for students to vote in the election and it is After dealing with many international often the case that candidates try to court issues – most notably Iraq and Europe in a the student vote by distributing leaflets roundabout way – the present government and supporting current campaigns in order has been seen to be neglecting home issues; to convince them to vote. Once again, the either that or making a balls-up of it as is the “Lights. Camera. Action.” campaign was case with higher education funding. arguably one of the reasons this year’s Certainly the main beneficiaries of the Everyone was always a litle too happy to see each other The prospect of an evening ment, given that the pints I watching people count votes consumed led me to ques- didn’t exactly inspire me tioning a candidate over and led to a lengthy discus- their interests in the local sion bewtixt my attention bin-man’s operations. But span and political interests that’s beside the point). as to whether I would in fact Everyone obviously knew make the long trek to the each other and you could be Civic Hall or not. That said, forgiven for thinking that I did spend roughly 14 hours RICHARD WATTS this was a school reunion on a sofa watching the farce of sorts, with everyone still of the American presidential pledging allegiance to their elections three years back and so knew that House or Colours, and on reflection, that once I got going, my interests would keep was exactly what it was. Everyone said my attention span - and boredom - at bay. hello to each other and went out of their As things turned out, the count of the way to say hello to opposing candidates - so local elections was one of the most fascinat- happy to see each other you wonder why ing collection of people you could imagine: they don’t invite each other for tea and every stereotype was fulfilled, from the biscuits whatever the result. suit-clad, buckled-shoe wearing, big tie, Whether it was much use I cannot say: poncy hair and silly accent Tory boys via there were candidates there that had been forty-something, fluffy-haired, casual-at- councillors for forty years who knew that tire, sometimes-trainers-sometimes-loaf- they would be re-elected come rain or ers Labour supporters to the pissed older shine. It was simply not possible that they ladies using their husband’s candidacy as would not be part of the Council. As the a perfectly good excuse to rattle off a few saying goes: same faces, different year. bottles of wine or six. (Not that I can com- A damn fine piss-up, though, nonetheless. 8 May 2003 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 9

����������������������������������������������� Keeping in touch with friends via Surrey Alumni Society ��������������������� ����������� ������������ ������������������� ����������������������� ���� Send your e-mail address to the Surrey Alumni society, writes �������������� ���� ����������� ���� ����������� Amintha Buckland, and you will be able to contact your �������������� friends from UniS for years to come (and you can win prizes) �����������������������

ONCE YOU GRADUATE, the Surrey Alumni Buckland and I have been here at the your graduate society – a bit of a cliché, Society will be the easiest way for you to University of Surrey since July 2001. I I know, but it does explain us pretty keep in contact with the University and your work alongside Jane Cohen, the Alumni accurately! Once you leave Surrey, we friends. Therefore the more contact details Officer who founded the Society in 1988. become your main point of contact – we we have for you, the more likely we will be Recently we have also been joined by John send you magazines, newsletters, organise able to help you keep in touch with friends Oldham who kindly performs tricks with our reunions, assist in networking opportunities from Surrey. database enabling us to keep in contact with and a whole lot more! However, just your current University email our 27,000+ alumni! For more information about us, have a look address is NOT enough – this will cease to What do we do? We run the only Society at our website at www.surrey.ac.uk/Alumni function on the day you graduate, so we do that you can’t join until you leave the and look out for us at your graduation! need another email address –e.g.: a hotmail University! The Surrey Alumni Society is [email protected] or yahoo address. What to do? Simply complete the reply Surname: First name: slip and return to Senate House reception – all new email addresses will be entered Department: URN: into a prize draw to win gift vouchers of your choice. The winner will be emailed Degree: Contact phone no: after graduation. Nothing could be more simple! E-mail address: Please return this form to What is the Surrey Alumni Society? (please check carefully) Senate House reception Who are we? My name is Amintha Surrey Alumni Society REPLY FORM

Something to thank the old boys for: a This is the word-crossing crossword brief guide to networking you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semester

There are many different as possible. Let them know “I’ve never had a crossword in my time as a high-school headmaster.” Is that because ways to look for a job. the kind of work you’re you are not very good with words or because you are very good with them? Something to Replying to adverts, writing looking for and then ask ponder, there. The e-mail address is [email protected], by the way, if you would rather ‘on spec’, using recruitment them how they would advise send something in than do the crossword or read the sort of rubbish just written. agencies and going to you to go about job-hunting. recruitment fairs are tried Generally speaking, people and tested paths to gaining love giving advice. They employment. So what is are also usually happy to networking and how can it talk about their own work, help you? DR RUSS CLARK unless, of course, they’re Networking is really only an going through a bad patch abbreviation for what started “Generally speaking, people at the time! Gradually, you life as the “old boy network”. love giving advice and pick up information about Equal opportunities policies usually happy to talk about the overall recruitment and enlightened recruitment their own work.” situation. They might even practices have fortunately invite you for lunch or a consigned that particular drink after work so you can form of job-hunting largely to the bin. But talk for longer. Better still, they might know it lives on in a new form which is a lot fairer someone else who could help you even and more effective. more. And so your network of contacts This is how it works. Sit down with a blank grows. Eventually one of these might sheet of paper and write down the names of mention a specific vacancy which you could all the people you know who are in any way apply for, or they might be able to offer you connected with the kind of work or the kind a period of work experience. of employer you have in mind. Try using With the “old boy network”, jobs often came your Christmas card list, relatives, friends to people on a plate, but then, they didn’t of the family, contacts made through your necessarily end up doing something they Professional year, members of academic really wanted to. The modern equivalent staff and so on. is harder work, but at least you remain in The next step is simple in concept, but control and when something finally turns a bit threatening in practice. You need to up, you feel as if you’ve really earned it. contact as many of the people on your list www.surrey.ac.uk/careers FILM COMPETITIONS it’s right in front of someone has stolen you, but you might as the Orange space- well know that there hopper. if there was are reviews of 25th any money left a re- hour and phone booth ward would be offered

Running out of time: Spike Lee’s hour is up

Suffering from 9|11-itis and a big dose of self- importance, Spike Lee’s 25th hour is actually the story of a drug-dealer. Rich Watts sug- gests that someone forgot to remind Mr Lee what the film was about whilst he was making it

FOLLOWING THE RELEASE of Malcolm for dealing heroin. He has the lifestyle X – the epic film detailing the life of – sports car, flashy clothes, expensive the controversial and influential Black watch, luxury apartment, attractive Nationalist leader – Spike Lee found girlfriend etc. etc. – and he also has himself occupying a position he had morals: the dog of the poster is an no doubt coveted since starting out abandoned animal he took in when as a film-maker: a man who hits the he drove past it one night. Yet he is a nail right on the head dealing with class-A drug-dealer benefiting from the www.imdb.com social position, moral injustice and the misery and addictions of the low-life confrontation of prejudice, particularly scum wandering the streets of New relating to the black population of that York. The only time we ever meet one out the window – the whole area bathed the lead character is bathed in this blue great symbol of America, New York. of his customers is our second meeting in the same blue light; posters all over light as if to link the two ‘themes’ of the That X happened to be released around with Monty, when we are greeted by the walls say: “Wanted dead: Osama film in one, decisive strike. the time of the Rodney King assault by an unwashed, unkempt, dribbling, Bin Laden;” even before Monty finally Unfortunately for Spike Lee, this four white police officers of the LAPD stumbling, shaking, desperate junkie meets his dad they can’t get to the heart serves not as a commentary on 9|11 or in 1992 proved ‘lucky’ for Lee and – the antithesis of Norton’s well- of the matter before lamenting the loss the perils of drugs, but only to prove he only served to show how important dressed, calm exterior – and we are of some firefighter buddies of his fathers has produced a mixed-up, confused and he became as a black voice speaking immediately happy he is dispatched and a lingering shot on a memorial out of date film, full of nothing except for the millions of citizens wanting to out of sight and out of mind. The entire plaque and even then, in perhaps the the message that Spike Lee was trying express themselves around the time film revolves around how sad everyone central scene as Monty sits in the club to tell us something but found himself America realised it needed to listen, will be to see Norton go, without any where his drug-tsar friends hang out, caught up, ultimately, in himself. catapulting him to stardom. sort of recrimination for the lifestyle he As a result, it seemed that Lee could has chosen to lead and what’s more help make any film on any subject he fancied junkies inflict on themselves. The only and still be seen as an authoritative hint of disgust concerning his chosen and respected figure, commandeering profession lies with his friend Frank audiences to listen to his own story (the half-decent Barry Pepper) who of hardship and hard work. As a reminds us that Norton ‘supplies people filmmaker, though, there has been very with their own misery,’ but the effect on little in the way of substance. Spike Lee’s behalf is more obligatory And yet it would appear he has landed than incisive. on his feet once again due to events Not exactly the spring of hope that taking place in the real world: just days everyone would have been hoping before filming was due to start on 25th for, then. In fact, not even a damning Hour, terrorists flew into the World portrayal of a subject that cannot be Trade Center. Now, instead of simply treated as lightly as it has been here the black population looking to Lee (though this could be expected if to articulate their fears and concerns Lee’s Clockers was anything to go by regarding 9|11, a much larger audience – another film not willing to make it was waiting to see how he would react readily explicit why drugs and their use and whether or not he would once again can ruin lives). speak up and make a film that somehow Yet 25th Hour could never have symbolises how a city copes with such achieved anything like a damning a devastation. portrayal because it simply could not Somewhere along the line, however, get past 9|11. The opening sequence is a he forgot what the film was originally slow-pan lament to the new landscape of about and as a result has made what New York, complete with full orchestra can only be described as a ‘nothing’ of score and militant drumming, with two The final count- a film. blue parallel light beams replacing the down: Ed Norton Ed Norton plays a drug-dealer (Monty) WTC; a character has an apartment as the drug-dealer spending his last day with his friends in over-looking ground zero and is greeted Monty savouring his last few hours and around New York before leaving with: “Fuck man – is that it?” when a of freedom for prison to serve a 7-year sentence friend comes to visit and looks 8 May 2003 FILM 11 Director’s cut: not your usual suspect

For this week’s director’s cut, Jolyon Hunter capitalises on a cringeworthy headline and heads straight for the creator of The Usual Suspects and the ‘X’ franchise, Bryan Singer (left)

SOMEONE PERHAPS LESS well-known went on to write and direct “Lion’s flashbacks, cross-cutting and voice- for this week’s Director’s cut, the Den”, a 25-minute film chronicling the over narration, and his mastery of the New Jersey-born and raised Bryan lives of five high-school friends who technical aspects of film making shone Singer. Born in 1966 Singer was reunite six months after graduation through to mark him out as a stylish raised in Jewish Southern New Jersey only to discover they are already “one-to-watch” in Hollywood. household. By his early teens, his drifting apart. The film, made for Singer returned in 1998 with the fascination with the art of cinema had less than $15,000 and shot in 16mm, powerfully emotive “Apt Pupil” led him into shooting his own short starred Singer’s friend Ethan Hawke starring Sir Ian McKellen, and based films with a friend’s 8mm camera. (“Before Sunrise”, “Gattaca”, Mr. upon the Stephen King novel of the the profit which the first film made, It was this work which helped him Uma Thurman) and provided the same name. Apparently, King was 20th Century Fox were keen to create a gain a place at the prestigious School critical buzz necessary to land him uneasy about letting Singer adapt his franchise (which could be potentially of Visual Arts in New York after his first feature-length gig, 1993’s book for the screen as the material was huge given the number of characters graduating from High School. He “Public Access”. This film tells the seen to be difficult (other directors Marvel have created). As such, studied in NY for two years, being story of a mysterious man who turns had tried and failed). That was until McQuarrie and Singer reunited for a rejected in his applications for the his small town against him through his Singer sent King a copy of the then- second X-Men movie, “X-2” which is University of Southern California’s own public access cable TV show, and unreleased “The Usual Suspects”, after currently doing the rounds at a cinema Film School. Instead he decided to was essentially an examination of the which King allegedly optioned the near you. Judging by early figures, move to Los Angeles to complete his effects of mass-media on a small town movie to Singer for $1 – trusting that namely the $155 million (£96 million) undergraduate studies, and enrolled community. It won the Grand Jury the book was in safe hands. Despite box office in its opening weekend at USC on a critical studies course Prize at the 1993 Cannes Film Festival rave reviews and critical acclaim for worldwide, the “X” franchise could be instead. Singer now says this was the and was Singer’s first collaboration the performances in this movie, it went here to stay. best decision he made as it allowed with screenwriter Christopher relatively unnoticed in 1998. Singer’s films are known for being him time to view many different McQuarrie. In 2000, Singer and McQuarrie lengthy, heavy on the dialogue and films. With the Cannes win behind them, reunited to co write the script for flirting with the dark side of human After graduating from USC, Singer Singer and McQuarrie were picked up an ambitious project based on the nature. Although his next project is by Gramercy Pictures for their next Marvel Comic characters in “X-Men” not known, whatever this provocative “Judging by the early feature “The Usual Suspects”(1995) (2000). This special effects laden new directorial talent produces it is it which Singer et al managed to bring summer blockbuster was eagerly should be worth watching. figures - namely in under-time and under-budget. This anticipated and marked Singer’s entry Incidentally, if you haven’t seen twisting noirish-thriller was probably in to big-budget film making. Both “X-2” yet I can definitely recommend $155m in its opening the biggest independent film of the the studio and the fans were not to be it – not only does it do justice to the weekend at the box year, if not the decade, and garnered disappointed with good buzz the film, first movie, it stands out as a good Academy Awards for Kevin Spacey (made for $75 million) grossed nearly film on its own. Good clean kick-ass office - the ‘X’ fran- (as Verbal Kint) and for McQuarrie $300 million worldwide. Of course, action/scifi fun, and a good start to for his screenplay. Singer handled the with the adaptation accepted by fans what should be a great summer of chise is here to stay.” complex plot adeptly with the use of of the comics and the sheer size of blockbusters.

the crap into Myers. >> I wouldn’t wipe my arse with this film Finally, the predictable ending. Myers, charred and covered in third “I’LL SEE YOU in hell!” proclaims BY CHRIS WARD every possible cheesy horror plot? degree burns, is wheeled into a Jamie Lee Curtis as her character Aha! Let’s stick some dumbass post-mortem room inside a morgue. falls to her death with a fatal stab Although I must admit, the film would American teenagers in Michael Everybody knows that this guy has wound. Unfortunately, it is hard to certainly have been worth watching if Myer’s childhood home with cameras survived being stabbed, being smacked distinguish whether she is talking to Jade Goody and Brian Dowling were on them. Then the whole nation over the head with a fire extinguisher, Michael Myers, or her career. Indeed, chased around the house by a psychotic can watch a bunch of kids getting and being shot countless numbers of Halloween Resurrection is solid proof murderer wielding a butcher’s knife. butchered! Nobody has ever tried a times. And what do they do? They You’re killing me: Mike that you cannot bring shit back to life, If you recall from the last movie plot like that before! I wonder why. leave the pathologist in there on her Myers really needs to particularly if it was never alive in (yes, we all watched it, don’t deny And from then on the storyline can own with him, ‘cos we’re “sure he’s lighten up on the founda- the first place. The film’s director, it), Halloween H20, Laurie Strode be summed up in one paragraph. A dead this time”. tion whilst (above) the Richard L. Rosenthal seemingly got (Curtis) decapitated her murderous boyfriend of one of the girls watches Final verdict? I wouldn’t even wipe X-Men have a lot more to worry about than hold of a large cauldron, and poured in mask-wearing brother, Michael them on TV and texts her to let her my arse with this film. their make-up a bit of Big Brother, a bit of “My Little Myers, with an axe. Now, how do know where in the house Michael Eye”, and of course, Michael Myers. we “resurrect” somebody that’s been Myers is, or whether she is in danger. decapitated? Easy… we begin the When the reality-TV director finally film with a huge twist and say that it realises that the real Michael Myers “wasn’t really him”. However crap is in the house, he tries helping the the twist is, the gist of it is that Strode one girl (who is so obviously going thought she killed Michael Myers to survive) get out. Unfortunately, when in fact she killed a policeman Myers catches him and seemingly merely wearing his mask. OK, so now kills him. But let’s do one of those “it we’ve got our main killer back – now wasn’t really him” again… actually… all we need to do is come up with an no… we’ll just say it was him, but he absurd horror-stereotype storyline. survived. Suddenly he achieves some Hang on… haven’t we exhausted sort of superhero strength and beats 14 PERSONALS 8 May 2003

You look damn fine tonite...... Love you They call me Woo cause I like to woo the Anyone else worried ‘bout exams, go get laid. hello Geekos!!!!!!!!! 2all u gaylords in !!!! xxxx ladies. It works wonders house51. Yeah Pinky lady you look so fine, but not as Special - Just tell me you are wearing fine as the Tigeress!! KITTTTTTTTTTTTTHAAAAAAAAAAAR Hola mi bonita!!! El vaso estaba en el suelo! boxers,, NO I DON’T WANT TO SEE JUST . my name is baldev chana and i like children Te Quiero! xXx TELL ME we are Groupies! la la la! Got a few things to say. First, sorry to vish Jen & Chris- where the fuck were YOU on It wasn’t my fault, the alcohol made me do it. All I want is music, moonlight and you. for last week’s personal. It was only a joke Friday night? Tamara, you’re my baby and I just had and a load of bullshit, so just ignore it!!! I don’t blame alcohol-it doesn’t know any to tell you again how wonderful u are learnt my lesson! Just NEVER wake me up ooh!- booze, chicas bonitas and powerboats better. sweetheart X at 9 am again! (June will be fun)

And incase anyone was wondering, dessert Is this krinos? i fancy the pants of u.rich3rm1 god I’m shit at Halo!! wine, not the way forward! No it’s not Krinos. But it looks like Krinos... Evan and Rhys, would you stop sitting in AP Handbags? - actually trainers at 10 paces “Yeah thats right, I’m just a slag. We just It is Krinos!!! sending each other personals for hours on nipped around the back of the pub for a In that shirt!? end! It’s really rather sad, the way there’s a Arthur missing- but soon to return quick one” dozen in a row every week that you’ve done (((((((khalifah))))))) you are in looooove yourselves Most pissed bastard on Friday? - you can’t Did i sleep with you last night?? take your fuckin J.D. CHESNEY IS S**T this goes out 2 all those average ‘middle Thankfully the answer was ‘no’ - name’ people who came to uni with Yoda fuckin rocked!!! TUPAC LIVES - I SAW HIM IN the expectation of a cool existence on My shoe’s wet! SAINSBURY’S campus.lose the attitude, this aint primary to daphne, we did it!!!!! no more skool,this time the bullying is on u,u lumps dissertaion!!!! lets party!!! love celeste. I was broken by girls! i want some ginger ass!!jp of poo.grow up and go back 2 ur home,cos im here 2 tell u your lease of life here at frami stop eating from MuffDonalds it aint Damn those pesky Southampton Girls! 3 girls looking for 4th housemate. house near uni is over..im outi so let these folks tell u wat real men do.have some pride and stop ur tescos and uni has a garden with a fountain. something about me...Increase tha peace, head sinkin below navel level. what goes on tour...... stays on tour £222.50 pcm mid july to end of june. baby my fake tan crew,always sportin a healthy If I don’t remember...... It never I like it I’d just like to wish good luck to everyone orange complexion.well u know what,lose happened from Tillingbourne 4 for all these bloody the tan,lose the self- belief that ur fit,ur just to the bitch upstairs the music aint loud stop awful exams! It’ll all be over soon and gits.not movie stars.BUTTERS We only fookin’ won it! Give her the money being so childish. one of these days your then we can bodypop...... to my Justin shot-go on she’s waiting gonna come crashing through the ceiling. Timberlake CD!!lol! Peace and love! R.I.P 2 the good old Robin who we all know you know who you are. and loved.ANd Down with the new lean, Lets play the ice cube game...ok, hey you I hate law!! lol!Good luck to all the first year mean girl pullin machine!!Luvin the six don’t have an ice cube...I know...Ok! To the gorgeous tall,dark and handsome law kids, we’re gonna kick some butt one packs..Peace out guy wearing the white shirt on Wednesday day when we’re lawyers for sure! Peace and Give yourself the money shot night... We want to know who you are!! love.xxx is this page indicative of something?

Bang bang= yum yum To everyone on rich level 3...Can we all get pissed soon, pleaseeeeee? Don’t play mind games with me, my minds not working! Room 6, Rich Level 3, we can smell it when your frustrated ;-) Love is all you need, and lubriation Vish, this ISN’T fun. Lucy is a necrophiliac Time on d last fri.ur fit.fancy the pants off u. If I’m passed out next to you, just do whatever you like! Bloody Imperialistic America! All those who hate them say aiiii High on protein, low on standards Faisal how do u manage to do it?Are u Table tennis rocks Not in this house!! shafting all of us?uve scammed us outta so much $$$ Its all about the COCK! Sarah, I haven’t phoned coz i’ve been all You’re all wankers! pissy and stressed. Will be in touch soon. From me. I don’t like him.... He reads minds Who wants to get drunk,? Ties and belts do the job nicely but next time, how about some whipped cream??? ;-) FRANIKKK WANTS YOU. xSNx

Please don’t drink too much next time mate. Essayas, Will you marry Jose? Alcohol leads to accidents :-) Johnny: Stop looking at naked Phil! you rock my world, baby! Shame your photos of children...there’s a word for housemates couldn’t see where your OTHER that....Paedophile! Do you WANT to get lovebites are! x locked up?

Hey Son! Been keepin Rawson up late have MASSIVE thanks to Charlotte Dawson! we? Naughty girl.... x thanks for letting us into the big quiz on Thursday- you’re a star! see you on the 21st Do you reckon they’d play ‘Help! I’m A Fish’ from the Cussy Funts in the union for me on friday night? Jose, WHO was it you said you fancied THanks for the other night S. Thats the first again??? Someone on rich level 3 was it??? time a girl has let me do that to her! Didn’t know you cared bout Essayas THAT Brown love u cant beat it cracking tits n arse much! to boot. You know who you are luv D xxx Baldev chana is my name Arse - i have a big one haha £3.00 a jug and not even a sign of any loyalty Love myself card!! I feel violated Dumbass i am Ever n ever 8 May 2003 FILM 15 Film studies: 10 things I hate about film and/or you

Setting the world of suspended disbelief to rights, James Dibley lets off some steam. For someone that enjoys film so much, he sure has some problems to deal with...

Hi, friends. As I’m sure you’ll all have stopped putting any effort in, because they noticed, it’s exam season and everyone’s don’t need to. People suck. on a short fuse. Relationships are frayed, Adam Sandler. But Adam Sandler nobody’s getting enough sleep, and the sucks worse. I want this guy quiet, shy guy on your floor has been locked 2 marked for death. This is a guy who in the shower for three days now. So what has somehow made a career out of making the situation really calls for is for someone stupid-ass films that are self-indulgent, lazy to inject a little free-floating hostility, trash – and somehow it’s made him one of Bill Murray (above) in less omnipotent attire and bitterness, and callow whining. After all, it’s the most consistent, desired properties in Adam Sandler (right): one of these men is liked one of not as though I have any social responsibility, Hollywood. Sure, Happy Gilmore was okay, these men and isn’t. The reasons why are clear. and having filed my own thesis by the skin but it was still ninety of the longest minutes of my teeth only last Friday and stayed up in my life, and not just because the guy sat we’re walking around bummed, going to broody? Here we are, with two fantastic all damn week to do so, somehow I just on the sofa next to me was only wearing a the cinema, and spending that discretionary movies that also coincidentally promote couldn’t get particularly excited about X- pair of dark blue briefs and kept scratching income on whiny-ass awful movies like images of women as strong, independent Men 2 this weekend. So then, gentlemen, himself. Sandler doesn’t act. He doesn’t Queen of the Damned that attempt to and entirely intelligent, awesome people step back and light the blue touchpaper: it’s care about comedy. He doesn’t care about conceal how brainless and mercenary they without needing to bolster their characters time to set the world to rights. the people who pay to see his movies to be are by brainless, mercenary pandering to up with some tedious "romantic" "interest". Romantic comedies that aren’t. entertained. And if his stupid, ham-fisted adolescent self-pity. I’d rather watch the Why isn’t Hollywood making films like this Did anyone actually go and see attempts at comedy are what people want Scooby Doo movie. one of the focal points of its existence? And 1 Maid In Manhattan? Can someone nowadays … okay, just book me my ride Soundtracks full of strings. John I’m not talking about this from some right- who did help me out with this, because I was on the time machine back to 1946, okay? Williams, James Horner, please on "hey aren’t women really great when sat in the theatre, staring at that film, getting I’ll take my chances with sexual repression, 4 retire. The world doesn’t need any you think about it" standpoint: if you want exactly what I had come to the film for – a rationing and no computers: at least I’ll have more of your soundtracks. God. Please, just to turn it around, why aren’t there movies growing sense of numb horror. 'Cause I’ve the option of going to the cinema and seeing can we agree not to ladle any more "soaring" like what I just described with guys in them? got two theories here. The theatre was full, movies that people actually worked on. string sections onto movies for a couple of Why does it seem like every damn movie and I was sat at the back and I didn’t notice Facile, stupid angst. What is years? So we can hear what the people are that isn’t a CGI yawnfest full of people who anyone leave. So either everyone there wrong with people these days? It’s saying? That would be nice. Not going to desperately want to be in a relationship? was a post-modern rubber-necker like me, 3 like everyone who hasn’t become happen, though. I hate the world. Is that all that matters to people anymore? or everyone there thought seeing Jennifer stupid has become horribly depressed Bill Murray. Bill Murray is God. Where are all the movies about people who Lopez in a movie was a cool idea in theory instead. And don’t the movies know how … God seems to be on holiday. Maybe struggle to make something of their life and practice. Kissing Jessica Stein is a cool oh man, I can’t even talk about this because 5 God’s in therapy because he can’t other than little replicas of themselves? We romantic comedy, since it’s both romantic I’m so irritated by people being bummed for stop bitterly weeping at the folly of his deserve substance in our entertainment. We and funny. Good romantic comedies can be no good reason. I just want to blow up my creation. I’ll always love Bill for his early pay enough for it. fantastic movies – When Harry Met Sally, Y keyboard and hammer carpet nails into my 80s movies, where he brought all kinds Movies that last three hours. Most Tu Mama Tambien, The Philadelphia Story face. Highest discretionary income in the of joy to workaday crap like Caddyshack. of them wouldn’t need to if the – but somewhere along the line the studios history of civilisation, and Nowadays I wish I could see him doing 8 makers had a little more discipline, more serious acting, like his wonderful turn and most cinemas nowadays have awful in Rushmore. But I’d pay just to see Bill. I’d seating that even make watching a two-hour go and see Dreamcatcher if Bill had a three- film a mixed experience. Going to see Gangs second cameo, or just wandered on to smile of New York, I had to walk around the Friary and wave at the camera: Bill’s worth it. God, Centre for forty-five minutes afterwards just I miss Bill. I wonder if Bill will appear in to get some feeling back into my ass, and all Kill Bill. I could think about was that at least I hadn’t Screenwriters’ conviction that gone to see the Harry Potter film. Love Between Two People cures Films that run out of steam 6 everything. I loved A Beautiful before they’re finished. Mind so much – classy, beautifully shot, 9 Occasionally we’re blessed with TOGA! fantastic music and performances, and a films that are such perfect, impeccable weird, genuinely scary story. But it just examples of storytelling and production and fell apart in the last half hour. Suddenly the honour and beauty integral to human … "Oh, John has a problem. Okay," – skip endeavour, like Crouching Tiger, Hidden forward forty years – "John doesn’t have Dragon or , that it’s tempting to throw down a problem anymore". I mean, it works, it everything and say, "Right! That’s it! I will makes sense, but I felt cheated. Actually, accept all of your low-concept, half-hearted having experienced some of the things dealt celebrity-vehicle trash if you guys will just TOGA! with in the film and being single, I mostly promise to make one or two films as careful felt suddenly hopeless and incredibly lonely. and moving as this a year." That’s the sort Okay, never mind. Bad example. Hee hee of passion I’m talking about. So it can be hee… incredibly frustrating when you go to see There aren’t enough films a movie and you’ve been carried along for like Thelma & Louise or Erin seventy awesome minutes, and then it just Brockovich being made. Isn’t sort of tails off, like everyone involved TOGA! it7 the 21st century now? Where are all the suddenly and simultaneously lost intere movies with female leads that aren’t [email protected] May 23 “We deserve substance in our entertainment. After all, we pay enough for it.” 16 MUSIC 8 May 2003

THERE THERE RADIOHEAD | PARLOPHONE A great band should never trade on past triumphs and Radiohead have exhausted that period of fallout from the seminal OK Computer. Intelligently they’ve chosen to flip their music once more and give the fans a bit of what they want. There There is a complicated choice for lead single as it demands several listens before it’s full impact is felt. Perseverance is rewarded, There There succeeds without ever threatening to re-ignite past glory. seven | a.r.

DARK WAVE singles WHITE WATER SONG THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW STEPHEN MALKMUS & THE JICKS BELL X 1 | UNIVERSAL ISLAND BETH ORTON | HEAVENLY | DOMINO Where have Bell x1 been? They RECORDINGS The new single from ex- formed in the mid-nineties in On the back of Orton’s third Pavement Malkmus features Dublin but have rarely ventured album, ‘Daybreaker’ this singles four regular and two live tracks, out of their homeland. Now in lush vocals are charming with which amount to a generous 2003 they have ambitions of Beth’s quality distinctive folk, pop helping of bizarre yet charming making it big and White Water style that’s won many admirers tunes, which at times are Song is a great start. The band and it’s not hard to see why. seven inspired and at others just plain named after the first plane to fly | m.b. ridiculous. This feels more like faster than the speed of sound, are an EP than a single due to its bound to have skinny, long haired length, and the fact that all the indie kids across the country songs are of a similar deranged instantly falling in love with them. quality. This is summery seven | s.b stuff and is commendably unpredictable; a refreshing quality these days. seven | a.c.

SHAMPOO VICTIMS GRAND POPO FOOTBALL CLUB Grand Popo have already visited Barefacts with their over zealous vocal single “Men are not nice SEVEN NATION ARMY boys”. The cheesy pop esk dance THE WHITE STRIPES | XL duo return with their new album Well what can I say? They have Shampoo Victims. This album lived up to every piece of hype, is not too soapy, but I fail to see THINGS FALL APART and every expectation with one of how it couldn’t irritate your ears. SERAFIN | TASTE MEDIA the best single releases in a very The opening track works fine with As you may expect from a band long time. In my opinion, there is FACELESS my hearing, but the album spirals that has supported Feeder, this is no such thing as a perfect song, GODSMACK | UNIVERSAL/REPUBLIC downwards. Then again maybe a competent rock song with quite but this is as close as it gets. nine Despite Tool’s Producer and I could do with washing out my a summery feel. Unfortunately, point nine | j.a. Amen’s old drummer the result ears. four | j.h. competent is all it is, and it doesn’t sound too different. doesn’t have any real features to FOUR WAYS TO SCREAM YOUR... Post-grunge metal, guitar effects make it stand out from the crowd. FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND | and lashings of angst. I Stand six | j.a. INFECTIOUS Alone was used in The Scorpion This band apply melody over King last year and carries the a rock/metal soundtrack, occasionally they make things same growling/crooning vocals PEOPLE heavier almost stumbling on as the rest of the album. The ALFIE | REGAL only departure is tribal oddity Alfie are still knocking about metal-core with recognisably The Awakening/Serenity. Very having faded quite a bit from the emo lyrics. They play it out well big in the US but thankfully public eye. The collapse of the enough, but something doesn’t seem overlooked in the UK. new acoustic movement hasn’t sound right. Nice artwork though. three | n.b. helped but People is a decent five | n.b. enough fare. Alfie still sound interesting enough to appease all words by the very excel- their loyal fanbase (if you spell ALL POSSIBILITIES lent music team who are: check ‘fanbase’ Microsoft Word BADLY DRAWN BOY | XL al read | andrew malek suggests ‘fannies’ even though simon robinson | anna wheeler Great production, great tune and full of relevance you can’t help but there’s no such word as ‘fannies’). jonathan darzi | matty b admire Damon Gough. The continual wheeling out of accomplished Anyway it’s an alright tune anthos chrysanthou song after song further fuels public perception of BDB as a singer but I doubt anyone will bother jonathan howel l terje tjervaag songwriter of the highest calibre. All Possibilities is bursting with extending their recording contract jon allen | nick clancy trumpets and top draw melody, only a fool would ignore. eight | a.r neil boulton | stu bryce when it expires. five | a.r. 8 May 2003 MUSIC 17

OUT OF TIME BLUR | PARLOPHONE CARRION The most vital slice of music BRITISH SEA POWER | ROUGH for a long time, Out of Time has everything going for it. TRADE British Sea Power fly the flag The feeling of helplessness and with soft but bouncy muted forgone conclusion leaves the guitar led Carrion. One of a listener not so much moved string of exciting fringe bands but shell-shocked. Thankfully around, this effective sound both political and conscious includes tight throat vocals and Out of Time flies in the face of plenty of gleaming guitar work. greedy chart whores (Busted) seven | m.b. who make music to buy hair products. Blur: my new favourite band. nine | a.r.

BIG BEAUTIFUL SKY BE MINE VENUS HUM | BMG DAVID GRAY | IHT RECORDS Nashville’s Venus Hum debut Irish singer songwriter releases release sees country out and a another emotion-led track that’s fusion of electro and succulent harmless but predictable from pop in, eclipsed by Annette Steans his latest LP whose previous immaculate vocals lent from over-exposed White Ladder still Bjork. Hummingbirds makes its leaves scars. That said, with mark with an unorthodox mix al- catchy lyrics, this is hard not to of styles with other highlights admire. six | m.b. including second single Montana bums* X {it wasn’t a vote} and the luscious Alice with other tracks sadly being unable to match THE ART OF FALLING APART FALL OF THE PLASTIC EMPIRE these heights. seven | m.b. PALACE OF PLEASURE FT. MIREJAM BURNING BRIDES | V2 Released on BMG’s new Oooh, scary name, check. Great album title, check. Token skull made Sunday Best label comes of naked cartoon women on the front, check. So far this rocks. Opener TEN OF SWORDS Palace of Pleasure. Apparently ‘plank of fire’ is a grungey, rock’n’roll romp which sets the tone for MARC CARROL | EVANGELINE named after some retro classic the rest of the album, and what’s more it boasts the line “non-stop I’m sorry to be honest here, but Commodore 64 game. The Art masturbation”, how pleasant. Other highlights include ‘glass slipper’ this album is terrible. It does of Falling apart uses vocoded and, ironically, the bonus track ‘see you empty’, a steamroller of a track nothing to inspire and is a weak, vocals and classic synth noises which hints at what this album could have been. six | a.c. dire and dull collection of rubbish. to recreate a kind of Electro The thing is I’m not sure why I - Reggae blend. Perfect for hate it. He can sing, there’s nice getting stoned to, but still LIKE A STONE melodies and a pop sensibility looking über cool in you retro AUDIOSLAVE | EPIC/INTERSCOPE about this record but it has been adidas top. six | j.h. Second single from Cornell & done and heard so many times Rage Against The Machine’s before, its all so predictable. project. This time the song’s more Guitar, sweet harmonies and some reflective and mellow than their songs about love we have heard previous single. Musically it’s a plenty and done so much more different than what you’d expect originally and more excitingly the grouping to produce. Good than this. one | s.r. stuff. seven | n.b.

TWICE THE TYDE | ROUGH TRADE RECORDS Another band influenced heavily by the late 60’s, early 70’s American sound, fighting for our attention, this far from being a bad thing. The Tyde contain members of the Beachwood Sparks (that might be of some help to some of you.) There is a Happy Days feel to this record, everyone walk with fake smiles, complement each other and holding doors open for strangers. A record that has been made exactly how the artists want, no record label pressure, no music fashion to fit in with, just pure influences, happiness and creativity. Fans of Dylan and Elliot Smith and late Supergrass will not be disappointed, I wasn’t. Yet another bright, positive band to sign to Rough trade, those boys certainly know how to spot a good band from a mile off. somewhere at the higher end of seven, but not quite eight out of ten | s.b 18 MUSIC 8 May 2003

Jesse Malin is one of those artists who writes and sings >> Jessie Malin @ ULU fantastic songs, but never acquires the public knowledge written alt.country rock tunes. and affection that they deserve. The set list consisted mainly His critically acclaimed of tracks from the album plus debut album ‘The Fine Art two new songs and two covers, of Self Destruction’ is a great spanning almost two hours. Stand When DIVINE BROWN came on coming on stage; it seemed example of an album that sells out tracks included the raucous stage, and started playing, it quite remarkable that they nowhere near as many copies ‘Wendy’ which led straight into was like they announced that could stand up. In spite of as it should. The music press the fantastic bass introduction of this is how men do it and your being inebriated, they launched seem to have not latched onto ‘TKO’. He also rocked his way all pansies if you don’t. Divine straight onto ‘Navyhead’, him yet, only occasionally through current single ‘Queen Brown had a surging set of which like all their songs is mentioning him in passing in of the Underworld’ and the story unrelenting hard rock n roll. a thumping sleazy glam song articles about Ryan Adams, of his life ‘Almost Grown’. His Whilst a half an hour set of full with lots of shouting. The who produced and played lead backing band was excellent, throttle tracks may sound a bit crowd, which had swelled to guitar on his album. At ULU but he was outstanding solo, dull and repetitive, the amount fill the entire floor by this time, tonight, Malin did seem to have performing a superb acoustic of posing on stage was plenty loved it with the front rows quite a good fan base present version of ‘Solitaire’ as part of of amusement for all. Half the punching the air to the music. who knew all of his songs, and his encore, eventually finishing time the singer had his chest Not at all bad for a band that been to most of his London with a scissor kick and pogo puffed up like a cold budgerigar, hasn’t released anything in gigs by the sounds of things. filled version of Elvis Costello’s which suited the band perfectly, years. Whilst there was a small His support was from a good ‘What’s so Funny About Peace, together with holding guitars in mosh down the front it never friend of his, Holly Ramos. Love and Understanding?’. the air whilst playing. These boys really got going to the last song Unfortunately the musical talent After the show, he found his knew how to rock and they did and was a swinging elbows was not mutual, and Ramos way to the merch stall and it well, even in front of a sedate affair. Throughout the set there produced some frankly shoddy stood for ages chatting to fans support act audience. The ultimate was a constant rain of glasses generic country pap. Once of funny anecdotes, which had and signing posters and CD’s. test will be if they can pull off a & drinks raining down on the Malin had arrived on stage, he everybody transfixed. The music From what I heard, not only is successful album, but whatever stage, which one well aimed created an excellent rapport was incredible to boot. He has an he a very accomplished singer- I’d fully recommend going to see one hit the lead singer square in with the crowd, introducing excellent voice which seemed to songwriter and musician, but also them live. the chest, to which his response and explaining virtually every soar through the venue as a great a thoroughly nice bloke. EARL BRUTUS’S intro music was the universal hand gesture song. He also told a couple accompaniment to the well Jon Allen played through once, then the for “come on then”. One of the DJ faded back in as they failed members seems to be employed to appear. The second time it purely to do some of the lyrics do you like to watch? if so then the music team was more successful with all six on ‘Navyhead’ and then to is probably for you. to get involved e-mail members of the band stumbling dance on the side of the stage onto the stage. You get the punching the air. The second [email protected] and become a feeling there were only two option vocalist got bored at one point for what Earl Brutus could do and just started playing with part of the music team for next year. cheeky. of an evening, play the gig or a keyboard in the middle of get drunk watching porn. Well a song, not that this bothered they’d certainly done the anyone inc. the keyboardist. getting drunk before The only presence of sobriety on the stage came in the form of the guitarist and bassist, who were playing the songs and >> It can’t be. It is. It’s Rocket Science. Tough as nuts. ignoring all the anarchy on the rest of the stage. The closing Alongside The Sleepy Jackson met. As is the case with a lot of number of the night was the who they’ve played with musical movements something gigs classic “Life’s Too Long” which and most notably The Vines, special is usually required to spark left the crowd on a high as it Rocket Science are important things off. “It just needs one band went into the extended ending figures among Australian bands to kick the doors open and all the sample. Ian Purvey working up a head of steam in over bands follow through. In the UK. Having only played a comparison with the Seattle scene, few low keys dates in London without Nirvana there would prior to current support slots probably be loads of criminally with The Vines it seemed a underrated Seattle bands”. It’s good time to meet up with Kit true that for worldwide success Warhurst (drums) and Dave the music-buying public requires Gray (bass) from the band. careful spoon-feeding by the The current UK interest in media. People should take a more Australian bands is a point proactive approach in hunting Rocket Science acknowledges down new bands and bringing “I guess the only reason it’s them to the fore. fiction movie kind of feel to it, a record store and had to put movements around it – it’s like kind of trendy at the moment is Lead singer and songwriter for us the music wasn’t rocket are music into a pigeonhole watching Gandalf in the Lord of because they’ve been ignored Roman Tucker has played in a science because it all seemed I’d call it psychedelic punk the Rings. previously”. “There’s been number of bands in Melbourne so simple”. The tightness of the rock”. The Hendrix references Rocket Science already have thousands of great Australian including The Martians. The bands live performance bears this are present and correct and the two albums out in Australia, bands over the years that due Martians broke up around the time point through and underlines how guitar solos are used sparingly both of which are due for to circumstances never got the Dave Gray’s band the Freeloaders overlooked the Melbourne music and where appropriate. The release over here later in the recognition they deserved”. folded due to the passing of scene has been in the UK. inventiveness within the band is year. Their second album Fortunately the huge success their lead singer. Rocket Science Adding an Australian liver- best summarised by the amazing Contact High is out in June and of The Vines has benefited formed as friends of friends in damaged take on the standard Theromin (probably spelt wrong) the Run Like A Gun EP is out Australian music from the East reaction and the ease in which the garage rock template Rocket instrument played by Roman now on Eat Sleep Records. Coast to the West encompassing music came and the band played Science know all about the Tucker. It’s a kind of radio Clickety-click: the hugely exciting Melbourne helped them decide on a name. tiresome British predilection antenna that reacts like an effects www.rocketsciencerock.com scene where Rocket Science “Rocket Science has that science for categorising music “If I had pedal in response to different hand Alex Read wrote this. 8 May 2003 MUSIC 19

Apparently the NME employed piss-average ignited, fire, roof a computer programmer to blown off etc. metaphors Rocket Sh*t me: as if it doesn’t book Rocket Science as support Science’s tight performance read like a night of Australian for The Vines. Thankfully that’s succeeded as a showcase for bands kicking ass in pom- where the girlfriend-in-Canada their new EP. The climax saw logic ended and the cracked life lead singer Roman Tucker’s mie-land. The Vines and death metaphors started. rotating tombola style keyboard Psychedelic, rocking and only spinning dramatically mid-song, and Rocket Science sporadically uninteresting, despite this no member of the go deeper than cricket and Rocket Science are the audience received a prize, tinned 2+2=5 backpackers or otherwise – shit happens. defy logic whilst making choice. Run Like A The Vines are less dependent young girls faint. Look away Gun the song most on far out trickery preferring now if you are under 16 likely to bring them chart the more conventional in your success sounded identical to face approach to rock music. (and to the left <<< if you its recorded older brother, Fortunately only one album aren’t)

redoubling their ‘live band’ in they already have a heap credentials. Desperately of hugely important songs. ^^ seeking to avoid Temperature rising exhaust pipe needy classics like Highly 3 colours red @ the barfly Evolved and Fuck The World The reformation of 3 Colours Red banked on was the gig being a invoked a SARS type fever came as a great surprise to me. complete nostalgia trip, with among the crowd. Around this They split in 2000, and enjoyed most of the songs being from point a beautiful girl standing live music brief flirtations with their own their first album. Songs ranged next to me nearly fainted - she scene. They are material – singer and bass player from the lighters-in-the-air- did look hot! The pace only also part-time members of the Pete Vuckovic went solo and lead anthem of ‘Fit Boy + Faint slowed for down-tempo songs This Polyphonic Spree choir. guitarist Chris McCormack was Girl’ to the excellent energetic competitions like Homesick that served to week’s For your chance to win this the driving force behind techno rock of ‘Nerve Gas’ and ‘Sixty demonstrate the versatility and competition is a bit of fandabidosi prize, answer the rock outfit Grand Theft Audio. Mile Smile’. One of the set range of songs peddled by the a special one: it gives you following question: However none of this proved to highlights, however, was off group. Predictably Craig Nicholls the chance to win one year’s be successful (excluding GTA’s the second album. The uplifting eccentric behaviour threatened subscription to the brand new Q. who are the editors of Bang? appearance on the soundtrack guitar melody of ‘Pirouette’ to derail an otherwise triumphant music magazine Bang. of Dude, Where’s My Car?) so set the crowd up for the two tour de force of the Vines back Bang is the rock’n’roll bible Send your answers to here they are again, with new new tunes that were to follow. catalogue from Mary Jane to Get for a new generation of music [email protected]. Closing material and a renewed vigour The encores that followed were Free via their spine tingling cover fans turned on by exciting new date for entries is midnight on about them. The support was from superb too. Vuckovic played an of Ms Jackson. The wheels stayed groups like The White Stripes, Tuesday 13th May. Judges German punk act The Donots, excellent new track acoustically, on and everyone left feeling lucky The Strokes and The Darkness. decision is final and all that. who supplemented 3CR perfectly before the whole band very to have witnessed Craig Nicholl’s The magazine is a vibrant with their energy and infectious reluctantly played mellow precocious talent. Let’s pray for and exciting blend of articles Clickety-click: tunes. 3CR then arrived to the crossover track ‘Beautiful Day’. stoicism if only for fellow band featuring major acts and new www.bangmagazine.co.uk sound of a drum machine and They finished on a high, rocking members Hamish and Patrick’s talent, echoing and celebrating lurched into a new track ‘Repeat through first single ‘Nuclear sake. Alex Read the passion and excitement Now, for all those eager-beavers to Fade’. They then unleashed a Holiday’, and finally piling generated by this music amongst you, you would have raucous version of the title track into the crowd in an effort to explosion. noticed that last week’s paper off their debut album ‘Pure’ and emulate the crowd surfers that Bang’s editors and visionaries offered you the chance this week the crowd went wild, with most had gone before. Overall it was are The Gloom brothers (Crispin to win an Orange space-hpper, as of the Mean Fiddler turning into an inspired decision to play the Parry and Danny Ford). They given out last Friday night at the, a moshpit. The gig had started older material, and the crowd have previously created the erm, Orange night at the Union. as I expected, quality rock riffs really appreciated it. Welcome highly regarded independent For those of you aware of these coming from guitars slung almost back guys! jon allen magazine Circuit, album covers, playthings, they are incredibly below the knees. What I hadn’t photo archives, reviews and popular and well worth winning. design for the music industry Unfortunately, the space- and several other projects in the hopper that was being held >> beth orton @ royal albert hall underground UK recording and back for the competition was taken by someone who can Arguably the UK’s best female abruptly sets out her intention only be described as a thieving vocalist graces the stage to her with ‘Daybreaker’ with a clear opportunist with the decency of biggest performance of her life at buzz of the venue raising her a rabid sewer-rat trying to bite the exquisite Royal Albert Hall. performance. A champion of her as many users of the London Twice Mercury Music nominated genre has seen success although a kick, breaking the mellow Underground as they can. artist Beth Orton has accumulated a commercial breakthrough vibe with expressive lyrics. Of course, barefacts respects its a loyal support along the way with has yet to come that is richly Latest single ‘ Thinking About readers, unless they steal things critical acclaim as the darling of deserved. Debut album ‘Trailer Tomorrow’ floated along with and then they would rather they her alternative but very effective Park’ promoted her talent in trademark accompaniment went elsewhere than the bench on style. Folk happily sits alongside an innovative style breaking that compliments her style which barefacts is eating its lunch Pop that floats along with Beth’s the mould and giving Folk an transforming each track into a in the park. Our apologies to you distinctive vocals, succulent accessible facelift. Tonight work of art. A tuneful Pheeby all. Long may you bounce. strings and jazz influenced highlights the enormous talent her off Friends Orton has style and piano. Support came from USA’s army of musicians acquire having masses of insane comments Brendan Benson whose debut been at her side for the entirety throughout ranging from last album gained high praise upon of her career showing significant minute sewing of her dress its release. With dreamy work signs of maturity on third album to her excitement of seeing and a great admiration for the ‘Daybreaker’. Title track off Brighton peer ablaze. A surroundings Brendan Benson the ‘Central Reservation’ LP is true individual these ninety showed feeling and enjoyment met with a enthusiastic applause minutes captivates the audience in a positive performance. Beth marking a seal of approval while highlighting her career and graces the stage in almost a shy Breathtaking ‘Stolen Car’ is a restoring her as a national overwhelmed state but gem sped up live giving this track treasure. Matty B 20 INTERACTIVE 8 May 2003 Who wants to be a millionaire? Kriss-Kross thingymajiggy well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down iit’s like an already completed game of scrabble, but harder £100: by what name is an elk known in North America? a: heron | b: killer whale | c: moose | d: eel 5 Endear letters Equine £200: who played the title role in the film ‘Taxi Driver’? Dress Market a: robert de niro | b: harvey keitel | c: al pacino | d: james caan Elate Master Enema Matter £300: pyrotechnics mean a display of what? Esker Needle a: aircraft | b: fireworks | c: acrobats | d: animals House Roster Inane Speech £500: what gives the Greek spirit ouzo its flavour? Inert Spirit a: aubergine | b: cheese | c: tobacco | d: aniseed Merit Squire Meter Squirt £1k: what is the name of the Premium Bonds computer? Never Strain a: eric | b: ernie | c: reggie | d: arnie Racer Strait Rally Street £2k: what was the pen name of the author Eric Blair? Refer System a: george eliot | b: george bernard shaw | c: george orwell | d: georges simenon Round Tender Sedan £4k: in which sport would ‘spoons’. ‘paternosters’ and ‘lures’ be used? Smart a: golf | b: sailing | c: clay pigeon shooting | d: fishing Snail Spain £8k: ‘Diwali’, or the Festival of Lights, is celebrated by which religion? Stash a: hinduism | b: islam | c: buddhism | d: judaism Steal Storm £16k: what type of transport is a barouche? Super a: carriage | b: boat | c: sledge | d: bicycle Tress Bowing to intense pressure from the fine readership of this newspaper, barefacts Trout brings you a kriss-kross (or jig-word if you prefer), a puzzle that involves fitting £32k: who wrote ‘Das Kapital’? each of the words below into the grid above. This week’s puzzle has words of a: lenin | b: stalin | c: trotsky | d: marx 6 both five and six letters in length and thus should make it easier than last week. letters Of course, this being barefacts we received the grand total of zero e-mails telling £64k: which children’s author owned Hill Top Farm in the Lake District? Appear us which readers prefer between the lyrics quiz and the kriss-kross, leading to a: a. a. milne | b: beatrix potter | c: enid blyton | d: roald dahl Arrest the assumption that either a) barefacts has no readers, b) no-one really cares, c) Assert you are all waiting to hear back from the committee sent to decide on the matter

£125k: where would a ‘peruke’ be worn? Effect or d) who gives a great googly-moogly? I’m for d). [email protected] a: on the wrist | b: around the neck | c: on the head | d: around the waist £250k: what was the title of Graham Greene’s first novel? “ a: stamboul train | b: the man within | c: it’s a battlefield | d: england made me I can’t seem to find the words that’s because this is a word search £500k: which of these British prime ministers was educated at Harrow School? a: william gladstone | b: duke of wellington | c: harold macmillan | d: robert peel Developing your sense of weight will do wonders for your rice cooking £1m: who was nicknamed ‘The Sailor King’? a: henry viii | b: george iii | c: charles ii | d: william iv “

Beware the imbeciles posing as staff in various retail areas of Guildford town centre. It might be true that there is only a 0.3% unemployment www.toothpastefordinner.com rate, but really - I’d rather it was nearer 10% sometimes. 8 May 2003 LIFESTYLE 21

ife after the womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson…

IF MY memory serves me correctly, this is Life After the Womb is in a bad mood and what is worse it cannot justify it. It is a the 21st edition of your trusty Rawson’s lot easier to walk around with a scowl on your face and generally dish out offending Creek we have produced over the past statements to those that attempt to engage you in any sort of conversation if they have done 8 months - that’s a total of over 14,000 you some sort of wrong, but if they are just trying to be nice, then – well, that’s worse. words! It’s just a pity my ability to spout The last time LATW was in a bad mood there resulted a division bigger than the randomness on demand doesn’t extend Premiership and numerous parties involved decided to make it their task to engage LATW to essay writing. I’ve almost finished my in pointless discussions, which was fine as these things normally involve LATW making final essay of Universityever , and it really a point and making it well, people taking issue with said point and LATW revealing hasn’t sunk in. Never again will I sit here the inadequacies in their argument and thus dismissing them as suffering from a lack of in my room with the (still) snow-sprayed perspective. windows, poring over pages of notes, Realising that this is only fun for LATW, however, means a different approach this week trawling the internet for anything vaguely and thus a cut-out-and-keep guide to dealing with those pesky collectors for various other relevant, and periodically staring out of the charities that you find on Guildford High Street. Before going to town, pick one of the windows and day dreaming about climbing following five responses, pop it in your pocket and read it following the opening: “Can I things that funny shaped fire escape thing. I guess talk to you for five minutes about [insert charity here]?” end-of-term-itis is going to hit pretty soon, to only this time it’s going to be end-of-four- years-itis – theoretically that should make it It’s interesting that you ask me if I would be interested in giving money to charity. Tell do 12 times as bad as usual. Blimey. me – do you? AT AROUND midnight yesterday I was 1 wandering round the lake with a friend (as you do) and it struck me just how big a part the lake plays in the lives of many students. Aside from the water fights (never I am a student. You will notice that my skin is not in the best condition and that is fill a super soaker with lake water), lake because I have been eating pasta and pesto with half a sliced onion in it for the last swimming antics, golf ball climbing, and two2 years of my life without fail and have developed a condition I would rather not go late night coke bottle rocket sessions, one into. I haven’t bought a new toothbrush in four years and would rather not meet my particular lake incident sticks out in my bank manager during a stormy night in a dark alley far from a public telephone. Cash mind. It took place in May three years machines laugh at me when I try to take some cash out and they even keep my card ago, when a group of friends and I decided for me to ensure I won’t do anything silly like buy some more pasta and pesto. The that the best way to spend an evening was only reason I am walking past you today is to go to Sainsbury’s to shoplift, so if you’ll down by the lake, sitting on a twister mat excuse me I have some economy pasta to procure. (the only waterproof item we could find) and burning joss sticks. This continued for several evenings before one night it started to rain, causing us to de-camp to underneath the almost-completed Titanic. You work for [insert charity here] about as much as I have the casting vote on the All was fine, until suddenly we were lit euro. What actually happens – and correct me if I’m wrong, won’t you? – is that you up by a bright torch… yes, you guessed it, arrive3 here with your other socially aggressive and confident friends and are given a it was our trusty University security. But five minute brief on which charity you will be collecting for today. You then take away as opposed to merely asking us to ‘move your little fact sheet, put on your little bib and wield your clipboard like a Tupperware along’ they were absolutely convinced we tub full of cheese and onion sandwiches, hoping that you can get some unsuspecting were squatters, and it took us about 10 member of the public to give you their credit card details and set up a Direct Debit for minutes to prove to them otherwise! “just” £5 a month. What you don’t say is that most of that money will go to paying for Surely no one in their right mind would your wages, paying for the company that provides ‘fund-raising’ services and that you want to squat underneath Titanic on don’t actually have a gnats-ass clue what the charity does that you are collecting for. a twister mat. But then again, we are You make me sick. students… ‘ickle sarah butterworth

Upside-down answers I can’t hear you. I have this disease that means anytime anyone approaches me in the street with the intention of pilfering some WWTBAM: [£100: c]; [£200: a]; [£300: b]; [£500: d]; [£1k: b]; [£2k: c]; [£4k: d]; [£8k: a]; [£16k: a]; [£32k: d]; [£64k: b]; [£125k: 4cash from me by making me feel guilty and employing some sort of c]; [£250k: b]; [£500k: d]; [£1m: d]. egalitarian argument nonsense, my whole brain switches into sleep mode and looks for the quickest way away.

Crumbs – you’re a bit of a looker, aren’t you? I had noticed that they never ask ugly people to collect for charity just in case they put people 5off, but you’re really quite special. You know, with bone structure like that and with your kind of height, you could really do very well. Obviously I’m not talking Oxford Street Topshop type model, but there’s certainly room in there for perhaps the Littlewoods catalogue model. I tell you what, you give me your contact and credit card details and I’ll set you up for a meeting with an agent I know.

*Life After the Womb takes no responsibility for any damage caused to your person. After all, why should it? Whats On events Friday 9th - Sunday 18th May “I now inform you that you are too far from reality”

Another predictable, yet mildly amusing £4 all night School Disco No fun tax applies Fri Featuring TIMMY MALLETT

Main Union Sport cigarsandgoodliving Div 1 Play Offs Sat HRB 9-2am

Main Union Sport Chelsea Vs Liverpool 3pm Sun Analyse That Karaoke in Chancellors - 8pm Mon Free Entry Comedy HRB 8pm Tue £2 All Night See Feature Ad Wed £6 all night hancellorsC hallenge Its the quiz of the week. Thu Chancellors 8pm Presenting their debut Ross Buckwild & The Funk Machine Fri A brand new sound for a friday £2/£4 HRB 10-2am £3 all night Sat AscentAn Urban Showcase

Sun Porkys 8 May 2003 SPORT & STARS 23 A day in the sun and all sorts of folks competing in some UniSport fun

BY DAN BROWN a great day of fun and activities on the River UNISPORT EVENTS Wey. For more details and entry please DURING MAY ON 26TH MARCH the Varsity Centre held contact Sally Edie on ext. 3917 or email University Sports Day. With 14 teams [email protected]. 16th :: Curry Night :: Varsity Bar taking part the day saw a range of sports Stressed Out? If you are stressing about 17th :: FA Cup Final :: Varsity Bar such as tennis, ultimate frisbee, 5-a-side your exams then why not do something 21st :: UEFA Cup Final :: Varsity Bar football, touch rugby and netball. There active. Taking part in some form of exercise 28th :: River Sports Day :: River Wey was representation from the Union, GU2 will not only give your brain a rest it will 28th :: Champions League Final :: Varsity and a variety of departments, clubs and help reduce anxieties and tension, refreshing 31st :: Squash Championships Finals & societies. ‘The Players’ ended up the you before your exams begin. The new presentation :: Varsity Centre winners ahead of the Varsity’s own squad summer programmes for dance, exercise with Harry the Mascot! The sun stayed out and sport are out so pick up a leaflet or visit all day and events finished in the bar with a the UniSPORT website. Above: people getting in the spirit of things raffle and unfortunately a karaoke session! Curry Night 16.05.03 The ‘Death by Curry Some teams would have lost points at this Evening’. Tickets cost £12 and include a stage. Pictures of the day can be found at choice of three curry dishes and a 4 pint almost accurate astrology www.unisport.co.uk. pitcher/bottle of wine and are available from because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive River sports day 28.05.03 If you missed the Varsity Bar. For more details contact out on the University Sports Day then why Colin on ext. 3226. Aquarius Your obsessive to do last year. not enter River Sports Day. This event has compulsive disorder concerning been going for decades and rain or shine is www.unisport.co.uk eating beans on toast without Leo Saying you do something any of the beans falling off and actually doing it are two the toast has always caused you problems distinctly different things so dirty….cos I like that! Scared Malibu with your housemates, so it is suggested make sure you say things to >> hockey report went to the bar. With many a bar and pub you stop feeling it necessary to count the people who would have no idea of the truth. entered, the tour had officially began and in number of words each one says during their It might be worth thinking of not putting all continued from back page style too. The tourists soon discovered that time in the kitchen. your eggs in one basket, but that would be a keep his balance, and simply feel half one meant 3 in Italian, because upon asking cliché out of context. naked from the chair. With many a broken for a sambuca you could get a half tumbler Pisces Spending your spare- toy, we moved from pub to pub and full. We felt this was a very good thing. time in a well-known bookshop Virgo Leave them alone. Stop eventually found ourselves back home. The morning after, the actual hockey in town ripping out the last starting conversations on MSN Moving to Friday, the first day of tour began, and there were perhaps only a few two pages of each book on the messenger with people that began with all the other uni’s arriving hangovers though these were soon beat out shelves is not the most constructive way would obviously really rather on mass, and after a rather hungover by half yards, and the beautiful weather. It of passing the time, especially when you not have you anywhere near them and stop conversation, POB commented that no one was announced that there were two squads. should be helping old ladies cross the road engineering situations such that they might should try to play mind games with him, as One would play mens and mixed in one as part of your community service for have to say something to you. Take the his mind wasn’t working. We spent the day group, and the other would do similarly previous offences. hint. chatting and drinking, playing some small in the other group. Outstandingly and games, and gearing ourselves up for the somewhat surprisingly, Surrey began to Aries Booking your summer Libra It is reasonable to be first official night of tour. The three legged dominate all of their games, and ended up holiday at the travel agents, you annoyed by the gangs of thirteen pub-crawl. The rules were that a man had at the top the table. This was blamed on the will be consumed by the urge and fourteen year old yoofs in to be tied to a lady, and that the man had to lack of beer and bar available at the venue. to take along a free child, even Guildford town centre, because drink double what the lady drank, and that However, with some top performances though you don’t actually have one. The they are annoying and not quite as cool as at no time could they be separated. With from Jesus, Fragile, Skip, and Druncan, best way to recruit for such a small child they think they are. It is not reasonable, mucho gusto, the Surrey men and ladies the mens teams both finished top of their is at a pedestrian crossing not under the however, to inflict bodily harm on them stepped forward to be coupled to members tables. The mixed was a very similar story, jurisdiction of a lollipop man/woman. as their dads are probably lawyers and from other teams. Depending on your view, but Surrey had to play each other in the last can therefore prosecute you successfully, fortunately or unfortunately, there were match of the day. Excellent performaces Taurus The start of summer will resulting in your incarceration. Just swear more men than women, so there were some took placefrom both keepers, Paulo (di send you into a spiral of debt at them instead. five-legged “pairs.” Walking has never Slaggio) and Sicknote. There was some as you buy all the sun cream been so difficult. This was going to bea excellent work from the ladies too, with B, required for that perfect tan you Scorpio Over £2 for a cup pub “crawl” to remember! Passing through Liz, Pheebs and Jade all playing well. And desire. Remember: tans are forgotten by of coffee is not a good price, one pub, Malibu had his arse pinched, boring though that may sound, the result was winter, dodgy tan lines and panda eyes are especially when it tastes like turning around he saw a fellow team mate, a 1-1 draw, though it was an excellent game. not. If you do have to go out in the sun, some water has been strained T Machine, it wasn’t me he said, so Mabs Moving on to the evening, the theme was don’t wear a thong. Especially if you are through mud for that “fresh” taste and it was forced to assume it was his partner, 70’s, and all prepared for their night out male. is being served by the personification of and simply returned the favour. The young in most funky style. Fortunately he was incompetence. vixen swirled around and sound, are you denied. This was however the night that Gemini Do not steal other Lowell discovered the ice cube game, and people’s food from the fridge. Sagittarius If only you could became know as the Ice Master. He soon It might be the end of term and remember that one fact that found himself a bucket of ice and began you might think that you helping would help you pass your exam passing it to everyone, mouth to mouth. people but in fact you are the lowest form with flying colours and ensure This game was then adopted by all, with one of life and deserve nothing less than food you get that degree mark you are after. Oh, veteran using the ploy that he had ice in his poisoning and saucepans that can never be hang on – is that the very same fact you mouth, the young lady quickly cottoned on clean, no matter how much effort you put require that someone has written on the though, and said hey you don’t have any ice into washing them up. desk whilst bored during his or her exam in your mouth, I know replied the veteran, ok with a witty, humorous comment just below said the girl and so carried on the evening. Cancer You might not be it? No, thought not. So why do people Many more embarrassing events took place, looking forward to the end of bother? but as Fragile said “ If I don’t remember it, term because you will miss your it never happened.” If this really were the friends. They are not thinking Capricorn You’ve had enough case then we were only on tour for two days the same and you will have to prove that and I can’t say I blame you. at the most! you are a worthy friend. Start off with the For those that have read this far, you will cheese-grater on the knuckles thing you had have to wait until next week for the final www.astrology d o e s n t p r e d i c t a n y t h i n g . c o m part of the hockey tour story... 24 8 May 2003 SURREY PRIDE Boat club wins at BUSA

LAST WEEKEND, THE University of Surrey Boat BY MELISSA NG AND TIM CRAXTON Club travelled up to Nottingham’s Holme Pierrepoint National Water Sports Centre their first heat and they progressed into the to compete in the BUSA Regatta which saw Semi-finals. After a shaky start in the semi- universities from across the country take final, with appalling weather conditions, part in the annual championships. This year, they persevered and battled on past other the Boat Club were entered into the Men’s crews and with two hundred meters to go Championship Coxed Fours, Women’s eventually pushed into second place giving Novice Coxed Fours, Championship them a well deserved entrance to the finals. Women’s Double Sculls and Novice Men’s In the grand final of their division, the girls Singles. were up against some great novice crews. On the Saturday, the Championship Knowing exactly what was at stake, the Women’s Double (Ella Willott and Julia women’s coxed four pushed themselves Mitchell) had a great start in their heat to their absolute physical limits in a very managing to get through to the repechage challenging race. At the 1500 meter mark and then into the final of their category they were in fifth place but after a very hard having a very good row for their first ever battle with Strathclyde University for several regatta. hundred meters, they finally ploughed On the Sunday though, the Women’s Coxed through the opposition landing them in third Above: the women’s coxed four that took bronze at the BUSA championships on the water and (below left) stand- Four started the day in style by winning place for the last stretch of the race. After ing together. Below: the Championship women’s double of Ella Willott and Julia Mitchell Photos: Tim Craxton fighting off Strathclyde, Southampton and Sussex, they finally came in behind Imperial The Novice Men’s Singles race had two opposition taking the prize home. College and Reading to take home the entries from the Boat Club and both Tim Well done to all the Boat Club this weekend bronze medal. Well done to Chrissie Wong, Craxton and Ed Harman had a great row for and special thanks to Coach Phil Costen and Sally Gladstone, Helen Davies, Alice Lydall one of their first ever singles race. special thanks to Big Dave and his lovely and Hannah Williams. The next day, on the Bank Holiday girlfriend Vicky for all their support. The Championship Men’s Coxed Four Monday, the Boat Club went to Marlow www.USBConline.co.uk (Melissa Ng, Steve Critchley, Jon Churcher, Spring Regatta to try and repeat the success Simon Granshaw and Alex Deacon) had a of BUSA. The Women’s Double easily good row in their heat getting through to went into the final but sadly knocked out by the repechage but despite putting maximum Marlow Rowing Club. Tim Craxton in the effort, the crew battled it out with but were Men’s Novice Single battled it out with Star knocked out after coming in fourth place. Club and in the final he rowed past the

Hockey tour 2003: the Rimini Valley

LONG, LONG AGO, in a pub not so far away, BY JAMES OLIVER it was decided that the hockey tour this Easter would be going to Rimini, Italy. The meet was in Chancellors, at noon. With 27 in tour, anticipation was high, and The dress was Centurian, as when in Rome all knew that there was going to be absolute do as the Romans do, though some people carnage happening over the next few days. looked distinctly some religious icons, Tim Tour began a little earlier for some than “Jesus”, Lowell and Tug both going for the it did for most. Sledge and Chef had to Deli Larma look. With many new tour rules drive down to Southampton to drop off the being explained, our Caesar “Special” began goalie kits for the coaches, as we Surrey fining away, and before long many a beverage boys and girls had decided that we were had been consumed. We eventually made it suitably rich to fly, and we needed the extra to Stansted and on time too, we checked weight capacity for our booze. During the in, and settled for the flight for Rimini. descent, at about 6 in the morning, Sledge Upon arrival, we were immediately decided to call a couple of people. Malibu taken to the hotel, and we shocked to find was one. This was when Sledge divulged that the weather was not so warm, so we that he had an accident on the way down hastily changed from our togas to our tour to Southampton, our stuff had made it, and shirts, and descended on in to town. There Sledge was quite sure he could make it back. we meet many other teams, from many For this, the oldest man on tour, once again other universities, all looking for the same became a tour virgin and a fresher. Things thing…drunkenness and debauchery. The were already looking up. town’s folk really didn’t know what they were seeing. Before long, the games took place and zoning was in the air, with our beloved Pheebs getting in the zone with one of the directors of the company organisors, Wwwiiiiilllllll! The drunkenness continued long in to the night with Special deciding he had kept his clothes on for far too long, and decided that nakedness was the way forward. A rather valiant Fragile felt this too was the case, but could not continued on inside page