TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT LGBTQ IDENTITIES

Shane Whalley, LMSW Pronouns: ze/hir/hirs REST IN POWER MONICA ROBERTS COMMUNITY GUIDELINES

• No stupid questions! • What’s said here says here, what’s learned here leaves here • Take care of yourself EDUCATIONAL EQUITY MEANS THAT EACH CHILD RECEIVES WHAT THEY NEED TO DEVELOP TO THEIR FULL ACADEMIC AND SOCIAL POTENTIAL.

Working Towards Educational Equity:

• Ensuring equally high outcomes for all participants in our educational system; removing the predictability of success or failures that currently correlates with any social or cultural factor; • Interrupting [Disrupting] inequitable practices, examining biases, and creating inclusive multicultural school environments for adults and children; and • Discovering and cultivating the unique gifts, talents and interests that every human possesses. https://nationalequityproject.org/ NAMING IT!

• “It's becoming clear that it isn't by nature of being gay or lesbian that places you at risk,” says Goldbach. “It’s the environment's response to you as young LGBTQ person or as an adult because we grow up in this environment that tells us that the core identity we have is wrong.”

• Source: “How Therapists Are Failing LGBTQ Millennials” Bustle Magazine https://www.bustle.com/p/how-therapists-are- failing-lgbtq-millennials-78739 https://www.glsen.org/article/gender- terminology https://slideplayer.com/ slide/12360516/

NON-GENDERED LANGUAGE

• Parents • Folks • Mx. (Mixter) • Spouse/Partner • Friend(s) • Leave Sir and • Sibling • People Ma'am out • Children

TRANS AND NON-BINARY

• Social Transition • Clothes • Hair • Make-up

• Medical Transition • Hormone Replacement Therapy • Surgery(ies) NAVIGATING LANGUAGE

• Ask questions with respectful curiosity • Intent…Impact mismatch…Own your impact!!! • If you don’t need to know, don’t ask • Language is everchanging…respect what people use TALKING WITH CHILDREN

• Pre-school age (age 3-5) – This age group is only able to understand simple and concrete answers to questions. When answering, use language your child understands. Try to only address the specific question asked, without giving any further details. For example, if your child asks why their friend from school has two mommies, you can say, “Families can be different. Some families have a mom and a dad. Some have two moms or two dads. Some have only one mom or one dad.”

• https://www.chla.org/blog/rn-remedies/talking-your-child-about- what-it-means-identify-lesbian-gay-bisexual-or- TALKING WITH CHILDREN

• School age (age 6-12) – Children at this age are beginning to explore and understand who they are in the world. As their questions about gender and sex become more complex and concrete, so should your answers. For example, your child may witness bullying of other classmates, and come to you for advice on how to respond. This is an opening to reinforce the value of treating others with respect. I.e., Your child tells you, “Tiffany cut her hair short and all the other kids were teasing her. Does that mean she’s a boy?” You could reply, “Having short hair does not make you a girl or a boy. How did you feel when you saw the other kids teasing her?” TALKING WITH CHILDREN

• Teenage (13-18) – As children become teenagers, not only does their sexual orientation become apparent; their friends’ will too. Your children might ask questions as some of their classmates begin to be more open about their gender identities or sexual orientation. Teens may be using this conversation as a way to feel out your reaction to their friend’s “coming out.” However, also use this opportunity to really listen to how teens think and feels about LGBT people. Try to limit any judgments about things you don’t understand or don’t agree with. For example, if your child tells you that his friend is gay, ask what his thoughts and feelings are about it first before expressing your opinions. IF YOUR CHILD IS COMING OUT

• Here are some tips on how to talk to and support children about how they may identify. • Create a safe space. Remember that coming out can be stressful for young people. Give your child encouragement or praise for being open with you. Using derogatory language, physically abuse or kicking children out of the home for disclosing their authentic selves is very harmful to the relationship you have with them and may create a barrier to future conversations. While these acts may be obviously damaging, other acts may not seem as harsh. However, limiting access to friends, events, resources and/or medical care or trying to pressure your child to conform to social norms (i.e. be more masculine or feminine) even in a joking manner can be equally destructive to your child’s sense of self. • Honor your child’s unique experiences. Understand that there may be some things your child is experiencing that you won’t understand. Sometimes LGBTQA youth want to talk to other LGBTQA people, and that’s OK. Try not to take it personally. Reinforce that you are there for your child when and if he or she needs you. • Give yourself space. Most parents have a vision of who their children will be, who they will marry, if they will have kids, what kind of career they will have, etc. Social norms tend to influence this vision toward a heterosexual cis-gender ideal. Give yourself time and space to grieve the dreams you may have envisioned for your kid. Children being their authentic selves doesn’t change who they are, but it changes who you thought they would be. • https://www.chla.org/blog/rn-remedies/how-talk-your-child-who-questioning-or-identifies- lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender IF YOUR CHILD IS COMING OUT

• Find support. You and your child are not alone. It’s ok to express your fear, angry or worry, but not to your child. Instead, seek out support from other parents of LGBTQA kids and the youth themselves. Many parents and LGBTQA youth find that meeting people who have had similar experiences helps them feel understood, empowered and connected. Seek out sympathetic, empathetic and knowledgeable support groups, therapists and medical providers. Examples: Transforming Families, PFLAG, Family Acceptance Project. • It’s not all about this. Your children are more than their sexual orientation or gender identity. Having them stay engaged in other life activities or events is beneficial for their overall well-being. • Don’t disclose without permission. Coming out is hard enough, but having someone disclose information you weren’t ready to share can be very devastating. Let your child dictate which people he or she is willing to share this information with and how much information he or she would like to share. If children trust you, they will continue to be open with you about what is going on in their lives. • Be an advocate. Other people may not be as accepting, but they should always respect your child. You might not be able to change their mind but you can direct them on how you expect them to speak or engage with your child. POLICY AND ACTION RECOMMENDATIONS

• Fully inclusive non-discrimination policy: sexual orientation, gender identity and expression • Access to bathrooms and locker rooms based on gender identity • Ability to use chosen name and pronouns and have chosen name on all records • Confidentiality • Everyone is trained!!! From the Principal to the folks working in the cafeteria RESOURCES FOR CONVERSATIONS

• https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/identity • https://amaze.org/?topic=sexual-orientation • https://amaze.org/?topic=gender-identity • https://www.childrensmercy.org/parent-ish/2019/06/tips-for- talking-to-your-kids-about-sexual-orientation/ • https://www.welcomingschools.org/resources/challenging- questions/ • https://www.youtube.com/c/queerkidstuff AUSTIN RESOURCES

• ALLGO • Kind Clinic • http://allgo.org/ • https://kindclinic.org/gender-care- services/ • Central Transgender Health Coalition • OutYouth • https://txtranshealth.org/ • https://www.outyouth.org/ • Equality Texas • PFLAG Austin • https://www.equalitytexas.org/ • https://pflagaustin.org/ RESOURCES

• Family Acceptance Project • https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/ • Gender Spectrum • https://www.genderspectrum.org/ • GLAAD • https://www.glaad.org/transgender • GLSEN’s Policy Recommendations: • https://www.glsen.org/sites/default/files/Trans%20Model%20Policy.pdf RESOURCES

• GLSEN’s Ways to support trans and gender non-binary youth • https://www.glsen.org/supporting-trans-and-gnc-students • National Center for Transgender Equality • https://transequality.org/issues/youth-students • Schools in Transition: A Guide for Supporting Transgender Students in K-12 Schools: A publication by American Civil Liberties Union, Gender Spectrum, , National Center for Lesbian Rights and National Education Association. • https://www.nea.org/assets/docs/Schools_in_Transition_2015.pdf RESOURCES

• Transgender Law Center • https://transgenderlawcenter.org/resources/youth • TSER: Trans Student Educational Resources • http://www.transstudent.org/ • World Professional Association of Transgender Health (Standards of Care) • http://www.wpath.org/site_page.cfm?pk_association_webpage_menu =1351&pk_association_webpage=3926 • Shane Whalley, LMSW • Community Coordinator, CONTACT Office of Equity, AISD INFORMATION • [email protected] • https://www.austinisd.org/equit yoffice