Manitou Mess Around May 10, 1985 Snorts 13 Super-stud Keltto does it all

by Chris "Sidd" Folke Mookie Wilson is worried about his job security. "If they get Jim Dimick remained Keltto, where do I go?" somewhat baffled over a phone, Keith Her­ call he received two weeks ago. nandez, on the other hand, "I was making up the lineup looks for Keltto to be the one card for our game with element the Mets need to win it Macalester, when 1 got a long all. "First we get Carter (Cat­ distance call from Davey cher Gary Carter) and now Johnson, of the New possibly Keltto. It would be York Mets, asking about Larry great to pick up two future Hall- Keltto. He wondered about of-Famers in one year. If we lost Larry's performance this year, with Keltto, it would have to be as he hadn't really heard much the greatest upset in the history about his collegiate career. I told of sports." him I didn't know what the hell Opponents have an he was talking about. Larry understandably dim view of Keltto,as far as I know, is just Keltto's potential signing with some sissy who edits the the Mets. Rick Sutcliffe of the newspaper." Cubs said that Keltto "is one bit- Apparently, Johnson knows chin' ballplayer. If he goes to something Dimick doesn't. For New York, I'd just as soon head Larry Keltto, editor of the back to Cleveland." Manitou Rag, remains one of Future Hall-of-Famer pitcher the top prospects in the Steve Carlton of the Phillies is world today due to his stellar reportedly attempting to performance as a high school negotiate a no-Keltto clause into centerfielder. his contract. This means he Why doesn't anyone on the wouldn't have to pitch on days Photo: Qoorgo Jotson hill know about Keltto's talent? Keltto is in the opposing line-up. Super-stud Larry Keltto shows the Irresistible look that drives the women wild. After starring for the Mentor Said Carlton, "No way. I'm not Besides being sought by most women on campus, Keltto's baseball talents are High Beavers in Mentor, Ohio, going to ruin my career because sought by most teams. Keltto is known ad "The Whop" Keltto received numerous offers of the next Joe DiMaggio. I've because of tils great hitting ability, and for other reasons we cannot discuss in this from teams across the nation, got too much riding on my paper. yet turned them all down. He future commercial venture." then entered St. Olaf College Just how good is Keltto and the whole gamut of human ex­ realize that's the only reason I'm dividual achievements are more and didn't even try out for the what is he worth? High school istence. And that is the key to even considering playing. Se­ important to me than the team. baseball team. He chose coach Vince Keltto (no relation) being successful in anything, in­ cond is that I have to make it And the other players have got obscurity. Why? who has coached Dave Winfield, cluding baseball: being at peace clear that baseball is last on my to realize and accept that." Larry told the story. "After Ryne Sandberg, Steve Garvey, with your body." list of priorities. Third, I want to Keltto has a destiny. And graduating 1 saw that baseball and Marv Throneberry, said Dr. Jonathon Laetrille of excel. I mean, if I'm going to Dimick can only shake his head was having an extremely Keltto "is the best of the bunch. Johns Hopkins said Keltto's play, I'm going to do it right. and wonder what might have detrimental effect on me. All I He's got the power of Mike regimen could fee extremely Hall-of-Fame? Sure. In fact, in­ been these last four years. thought about was baseball. I Schmidt, the average of Rod beneficial if approached proper­ had to get my mind together and Carew, and the fielding of Joe ly. "A proper proportion of quick get rid of this obsession. I D. himself coupled with the arm peanuts and herbal tea could ac- needed time to cool off, and the of Darryl Strawberry. He's count for Mr. Keltto's only way to do it was to divorce good, no question about it." superhuman strength. His hand- myself entirely from the game. Jim Frey, manager of the eye coordination would also OAifllLOT Now that I've backed off from Met's arch-rivals, the Chicago benefit. After careful examina­ my enthusiasm for the game, Cubs, declined to comment on tion, I conclude that Mr. Keltto I've been able to place baseball how Keltto would affect the pen­ has approached this diet proper­ (Ebanm into perspective in the general nant race. But he added, "We're ly. The only additional source or scheme of things, including my obviously interested in signing nutrient needed would be large personal life. I'm ready now to him. Let's face it, everyone amounts of alcohol, say gin or return to the game." wants him, but only one team is beer. This would provide addi­ Keltto compiled statistics in gonna get him." tional elements to provide a high school remarkable in Keltto says he will play if the healthy body." Larry's anyone's book. Consider: a .759 price is right. "I'm only in it for housemates agree that Larry lifetime batting average, 95 the money. So far, only the Mets follows this latter requirement home runs in 84 games played, have offered me seven figures, almost religiously as well. 217 RBI's and an incredible 71 and even their offer is a bit low. One thing is certain. Keltto assists from the . He But we'll wait and see what hap­ will make an immediate impact Store Your Winter recalled, "1 guess I saw the ball pens. I'm confident I'll be join­ in the National League. Davey pretty well back then." ing them soon after Johnson said, "We want Keltto Clothing! Right from the start coaches graduation." to be here in June so we can get recognized Keltto's incredible Other residents of Thompson him tuned up for the All-Star talent. Little league coach Harry House, Keltto's abode this year, game in July. With that kind of M- Ness remembered, "Larry are somewhat shocked by the exposure, he's sure to become an Summer Storage of was just another skinny six year whole thing. Brian Hunter instant celebrity in New York Clothes for the Price of old trying to make the grade. declared, "Incredible!!! I don't and an added dimension to our When he gunned a couple kids believe it!!! I didn't even know ballclub." Dry Cleaning. down at the plate I thought he he could play the game!!!" Keltto summed it all up when might have some talent. But it Dave Larson had a slightly he said, "The first thing is the wasn't until he started belting calmer reaction to the situation. money. Everyone has got to these 500 foot homers that I real­ "I guess I'm surprised mostly ly noticed him." because of Larry's total apathy Since then Keltto's been sen­ to the game. I mean, we have to ding notices to pitchers all across practically drag him to Twins the nation. Dwight Gooden, games. I think the only reason he now a star for the Mets, recalled, goes is that they have good FREE SOFT SHELL TACO "Man, I only faced Keltto in one peanuts. In fact, that's the only high school game, and he took thing he seems to like about with purchase of one at me over the fence three times. baseball. Larry has an obsessive Plus he robbed me of a base . love of peanuts." I'm sure glad he'll be playing for Here may be the key to ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER my team now." Larry's talent. He subsists on a Expires June 15, 1985 The question of course is will diet of peanuts and herbal tea. he? While most Mets are en­ He said, "They provide all the Valid only at Northfield Taco John's thusiastic about Keltto joining protein I need and allow me an the club, stellar centerfielder opportunity to get in touch with