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I Love Garter! S01E03

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I Love Garter! S01E03 I LOVE GARTER! TV Dramedy - Episode 3 Written by Eli Pompili 171 S 4th St Apt 1 Brooklyn, NY 11211 917-847-2660 [email protected] FADE IN: INT. ESPERANAZA & REGINALD'S HOTEL SUITE - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT CELIA is alone in her underwear, struggling to pull a pair of Spanx up for a bit, then... CELIA Fuck this. She literally rips them apart to get them off of her. Then slides on her nice dress, props her leg up and while looking in the mirror, kisses her fingertips and taps her fat upper thigh. CELIA (CONT'D) Lot a somebody’s like ta tap that shit. If he don’t, then... ESPERANZA enters from the bedroom in a robe, a bit disheveled. CELIA (CONT'D) C’mon, you take like five hours to primp, what the fuck?! ESPERANZA yawns. CELIA (CONT'D) (happy for him now, ”so cute”) Awwwww. ESPERANZA smiles big and wide at her and we see that he has a giant erection pushing up the fabric of his robe. He goes to the kitchenette, takes an ice espresso out of the fridge and downs it. CELIA (CONT'D) (happy for them) Well you two just fuck till you’re all better. REGINALD peaks his head out the bedroom door, his mummy bandages have been replaced with saran wrap around his face, the hamster claw scars visible all over it. CELIA (CONT'D) You’re not gonna let your scars stop your freaky deaky. See, you’re fine bitch. 2. REGINALD (to Esperanza) More ice, more ice. ESPERANZA holds a thumbs up to REGINALD as he gets ice from the kitchenette. CELIA (to Reginald, referencing Esperanza) He yawned. As if on cue, REGINALD starts to yawn himself, then starts wincing in pain from stretching his scarred face... REGINALD (in pain) Ahh, ahh, ahh... CELIA Synced back up already. CELIA walks up to REGINALD and kisses him hard on his cheek. REGINALD (in pain) Ahhhh! Cunt! She strolls by ESPERANZA, who’s carrying ice in a bucket, and pats his erection. He air kisses her cheek. CELIA Rock solid love. ESPERANZA titty twists her. CELIA (CONT'D) Ow, bitch. ESPERANZA You deserve him. CELIA I know I deserve him. ESPERANZA For real. REGINALD (to Celia) Save me pie. ESPERANZA You deserve him bitch. 3. CELIA You’re makin’ a fuckin’ appearance, it’s your best friend’s girl’s birthday. REGINALD, who has had his head peaked out of the bedroom door, now strolls out of the room in tiny underwear, covered in caramel sauce and little marshmallows and starts walking towards the bathroom. Still half blind, he feels for where he’s going with his arms out like a zombie. REGINALD You deserve him. CELIA Hiding from me, if you gotta go, go. REGINALD enters the bathroom and leaves the door ajar. ESPERANZA You deserve him. CELIA plops down on the couch and puts her head in her hands in anxiety. We hear REGINALD dump a titanic shit from the bathroom, then groan in release. REGINALD (O.S.) Ahhhhhhhh. CELIA Okay, yeah, you should’ve waited ‘til I left for that! ESPERANZA is standing in front of her in his robe, his erection poking up through the fabric right at her. ESPERANZA He’s a guy, like any, other, guy. CELIA Yeah yeah yeah. ESPERANZA, who has grabbed a caramel sauce bottle from the fridge, lifts it up and squirts some into his mouth. REGINALD (O.S.) He’s human! CELIA I know he’s fuckin’ human. 4. ESPERANZA Love puts it’s object of desire on a pedestal. Sounds of REGINALD’s shit squirting emanates from the bathroom. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) (to Celia) Ya gotta knock it off. Adonis’s don’t exist. CELIA Oh would you stop. REGINALD finishes his shit with a high pitched squeak, then we hear the toilet flush. He steps out covered in the caramel sauce and marshmallows and ESPERANZA puts his arm around him. ESPERANZA Look at us. REGINALD I thought he was out of my league. ESPERANZA I thought he was out of my league. CELIA I’m going. CELIA stands up, slings her purse over her shoulder and starts walking towards the door. ESPERANZA steps in front of her, blocking her exit. ESPERANZA Don’t you fucking sabotage yourself! CELIA exhales and deflates, stops walking and stares at the ground. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) Every goddamn time love rears its head... She suddenly grabs him by the nose and starts twisting. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) Owww, ahhh, ahhh.... He contorts in pain. 5. CELIA (super fast and enraged) This motherfucking cocksucking fucking gorgeous beautiful adonis butter-muffin middling poetry spewin’ stir-my-pussy-into-love gaga crazy faggy straight romantic ass nice guy... CELIA knees ESPERANZA’s erection and he falls to the ground in pain. CELIA (CONT'D) ...better be fucking worth all the cock I’m giving up! REGINALD is just standing where he was. Long awkward silence, she turns and starts strutting again towards the door. REGINALD You gotta gift? She stops and turns, facing REGINALD. CELIA (revved up, screaming) No, I don’t have a fucking gift! REGINALD You should bring Zelda something. CELIA Motherfucking fuck! REGINALD walks with his arms out towards the other side of the room in search of something... REGINALD I have this pretty... REGINALD then trips over ESPERANZA’s legs (who is still lying on the ground from being dick-kneed) and falls flat onto his face! REGINALD (CONT'D) Ahhhhh! I’m gonna be a monster! Ahhhhh! CELIA sees a music box on a table REGINALD was going for and steps on REGINALD’s back and over ESPERANZA, the two splayed out half on top of each other, and picks it up. 6. CELIA What, this? The little wind-up music box has a vintage sculpture of Alice from Alice in Wonderland on it. REGINALD You destroyed my life you drug whoring bitch! CELIA This?! CELIA holds the music box at REGINALD’s face and he squints. Then matter of factly, like he wasn’t even yelling... REGINALD Yeah, that. CELIA Fuckin’ creepy. ESPERANZA She collects weird things that look like her, like that thing. CELIA You bought this for her, fuckin’ hell, thanks. CELIA steps over them again and heads toward the door. ESPERANZA has managed to sit up on the couch. REGINALD, still on the ground, reaches his arm up to try and grab something to help himself up, and while feeling about accidentally grabs ESPERANZA’s erection. So he settles back to the floor and smiles and starts stroking. ESPERANZA pours some of the caramel sauce he’s holding down his throat and smiles. ESPERANZA (to Reginald) I love you. REGINALD I love you too. CELIA has stopped at the door and turned around and is watching this scene of their love. She considers true love or the single life... CELIA That and one cock. A world of cock, not that. 7. She thinks for a moment. REGINALD farts. ESPERANZA Love is worth all the cock in the world, bitch! CELIA Ja. She turns, opens the door and exits the hotel room. INT./EXT. CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT CELIA is sitting in the parked convertible ESPERANZA was driving in the previous episode, fixing her makeup in the rearview mirror when WAP WAP WAP! She looks over, ZELDA’s double D breasts are hanging in the window as her hand waps it. CELIA (to herself) Jesus...now she’s definitely an adonis. CELIA starts to get out of the car as ZELDA opens the passenger door and hops in and holds a cookie towards CELIA’s face. ZELDA is dressed to the nines in a sexy dress. CELIA looks at her and the cookie slightly perturbed but still friendly. ZELDA Butterscotch with pecans, homemade. CELIA just stares at her. ZELDA (CONT'D) Eat eat. CELIA snatches the cookie and smells it. ZELDA gives her a “c’mon and just eat it” look. CELIA bites in... CELIA (genuine) Mmmmm...mmmm. It’s clear the cookie tastes incredible. ZELDA We dance, drink, get hokey. CELIA nods yes as she chews. 8. ZELDA (CONT'D) You dancing queen, I bet you dancing queeeeeen! CELIA steps out of the car as ZELDA steps out as well. CELIA (low, to herself) This bitch, Jesus. EXT. KREKHEIM MAIN STREET - NIGHT CELIA’s car is parked on the main street and as she steps out, the Friday night crowd is in full affect, locals and folks in all kinds of medieval dress stroll about. GARTER is maybe twenty feet away, talking to a few German women in their late 50s, early 60s... GARTER But it is the moon, the moon, that gets my poetic juices broiling more than... GARTER continues chatting, ZELDA has walked up to him and is standing by his side, admiring his poetic sermon as quite cute, but also clearly anxious for him to be done with it. CELIA watches them from afar as she finishes eating the cookie. CELIA (to herself) Fucking delicious. She listens a bit as GARTER recites a poem to the ladies. GARTER “What is there in thee, Moon! that thou shouldst move, My heart so potently?” CELIA slowly moves her hand down and kind of checks her crotch, afraid she might have one of her spontaneous orgasms. CELIA Good god don’t pop on me now. The ladies giggle and walk away from GARTER as he bows to them, then looks up at the moon and gives a “mwah” kiss gesture to it. ZELDA pinches his ass, he kisses her on the cheek and puts his arm around her.
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