I LOVE ! TV Dramedy - Episode 3 Written by

Eli Pompili

171 S 4th St Apt 1 Brooklyn, NY 11211 917-847-2660 [email protected] FADE IN:

INT. ESPERANAZA & REGINALD'S HOTEL SUITE - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT CELIA is alone in her underwear, struggling to pull a pair of Spanx up for a bit, then... CELIA Fuck this. She literally rips them apart to get them off of her. Then slides on her nice , props her leg up and while looking in the mirror, kisses her fingertips and taps her fat upper thigh. CELIA (CONT'D) Lot a somebody’s like ta tap that shit. If he don’t, then... ESPERANZA enters from the bedroom in a robe, a bit disheveled. CELIA (CONT'D) C’mon, you take like five hours to primp, what the fuck?! ESPERANZA yawns. CELIA (CONT'D) (happy for him now, ”so cute”) Awwwww. ESPERANZA smiles big and wide at her and we see that he has a giant erection pushing up the fabric of his robe. He goes to the kitchenette, takes an ice espresso out of the fridge and downs it. CELIA (CONT'D) (happy for them) Well you two just fuck till you’re all better. REGINALD peaks his head out the bedroom door, his mummy bandages have been replaced with saran wrap around his face, the hamster claw scars visible all over it. CELIA (CONT'D) You’re not gonna let your scars stop your freaky deaky. See, you’re fine bitch. 2.

REGINALD (to Esperanza) More ice, more ice. ESPERANZA holds a thumbs up to REGINALD as he gets ice from the kitchenette. CELIA (to Reginald, referencing Esperanza) He yawned. As if on cue, REGINALD starts to yawn himself, then starts wincing in pain from stretching his scarred face... REGINALD (in pain) Ahh, ahh, ahh... CELIA Synced back up already. CELIA walks up to REGINALD and kisses him hard on his cheek. REGINALD (in pain) Ahhhh! Cunt! She strolls by ESPERANZA, who’s carrying ice in a bucket, and pats his erection. He air kisses her cheek. CELIA Rock solid love. ESPERANZA titty twists her. CELIA (CONT'D) Ow, bitch. ESPERANZA You deserve him. CELIA I know I deserve him. ESPERANZA For real. REGINALD (to Celia) Save me pie. ESPERANZA You deserve him bitch. 3.

CELIA You’re makin’ a fuckin’ appearance, it’s your best friend’s girl’s birthday. REGINALD, who has had his head peaked out of the bedroom door, now strolls out of the room in tiny underwear, covered in caramel sauce and little marshmallows and starts walking towards the bathroom. Still half blind, he feels for where he’s going with his arms out like a zombie. REGINALD You deserve him. CELIA Hiding from me, if you gotta go, go. REGINALD enters the bathroom and leaves the door ajar. ESPERANZA You deserve him. CELIA plops down on the couch and puts her head in her hands in anxiety. We hear REGINALD dump a titanic shit from the bathroom, then groan in release. REGINALD (O.S.) Ahhhhhhhh. CELIA Okay, yeah, you should’ve waited ‘til I left for that! ESPERANZA is standing in front of her in his robe, his erection poking up through the fabric right at her. ESPERANZA He’s a guy, like any, other, guy. CELIA Yeah yeah yeah. ESPERANZA, who has grabbed a caramel sauce bottle from the fridge, lifts it up and squirts some into his mouth. REGINALD (O.S.) He’s human! CELIA I know he’s fuckin’ human. 4.

ESPERANZA Love puts it’s object of desire on a pedestal. Sounds of REGINALD’s shit squirting emanates from the bathroom. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) (to Celia) Ya gotta knock it off. Adonis’s don’t exist. CELIA Oh would you stop. REGINALD finishes his shit with a high pitched squeak, then we hear the toilet flush. He steps out covered in the caramel sauce and marshmallows and ESPERANZA puts his arm around him. ESPERANZA Look at us. REGINALD I thought he was out of my league. ESPERANZA I thought he was out of my league. CELIA I’m going. CELIA stands up, slings her purse over her shoulder and starts walking towards the door. ESPERANZA steps in front of her, blocking her exit. ESPERANZA Don’t you fucking sabotage yourself! CELIA exhales and deflates, stops walking and stares at the ground. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) Every goddamn time love rears its head... She suddenly grabs him by the nose and starts twisting. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) Owww, ahhh, ahhh.... He contorts in pain. 5.

CELIA (super fast and enraged) This motherfucking cocksucking fucking gorgeous beautiful adonis butter-muffin middling poetry spewin’ stir-my-pussy-into-love gaga crazy faggy straight romantic ass nice guy... CELIA knees ESPERANZA’s erection and he falls to the ground in pain. CELIA (CONT'D) ...better be fucking worth all the cock I’m giving up! REGINALD is just standing where he was. Long awkward silence, she turns and starts strutting again towards the door. REGINALD You gotta gift? She stops and turns, facing REGINALD. CELIA (revved up, screaming) No, I don’t have a fucking gift! REGINALD You should bring Zelda something. CELIA Motherfucking fuck! REGINALD walks with his arms out towards the other side of the room in search of something... REGINALD I have this pretty... REGINALD then trips over ESPERANZA’s legs (who is still lying on the ground from being dick-kneed) and falls flat onto his face! REGINALD (CONT'D) Ahhhhh! I’m gonna be a monster! Ahhhhh! CELIA sees a music box on a table REGINALD was going for and steps on REGINALD’s back and over ESPERANZA, the two splayed out half on top of each other, and picks it up. 6.

CELIA What, this? The little wind-up music box has a vintage sculpture of Alice from Alice in Wonderland on it. REGINALD You destroyed my life you drug whoring bitch! CELIA This?! CELIA holds the music box at REGINALD’s face and he squints. Then matter of factly, like he wasn’t even yelling... REGINALD Yeah, that. CELIA Fuckin’ creepy. ESPERANZA She collects weird things that look like her, like that thing. CELIA You bought this for her, fuckin’ hell, thanks. CELIA steps over them again and heads toward the door. ESPERANZA has managed to sit up on the couch. REGINALD, still on the ground, reaches his arm up to try and grab something to help himself up, and while feeling about accidentally grabs ESPERANZA’s erection. So he settles back to the floor and smiles and starts stroking. ESPERANZA pours some of the caramel sauce he’s holding down his throat and smiles. ESPERANZA (to Reginald) I love you. REGINALD I love you too. CELIA has stopped at the door and turned around and is watching this scene of their love. She considers true love or the single life... CELIA That and one cock. A world of cock, not that. 7.

She thinks for a moment. REGINALD farts. ESPERANZA Love is worth all the cock in the world, bitch! CELIA Ja. She turns, opens the door and exits the hotel room.

INT./EXT. CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT CELIA is sitting in the parked convertible ESPERANZA was driving in the previous episode, fixing her makeup in the rearview mirror when WAP WAP WAP! She looks over, ZELDA’s double D breasts are hanging in the window as her hand waps it. CELIA (to herself) Jesus...now she’s definitely an adonis. CELIA starts to get out of the car as ZELDA opens the passenger door and hops in and holds a cookie towards CELIA’s face. ZELDA is dressed to the nines in a sexy dress. CELIA looks at her and the cookie slightly perturbed but still friendly. ZELDA Butterscotch with pecans, homemade. CELIA just stares at her. ZELDA (CONT'D) Eat eat. CELIA snatches the cookie and smells it. ZELDA gives her a “c’mon and just eat it” look. CELIA bites in... CELIA (genuine) Mmmmm...mmmm. It’s clear the cookie tastes incredible. ZELDA We dance, drink, get hokey. CELIA nods yes as she chews. 8.

ZELDA (CONT'D) You dancing queen, I bet you dancing queeeeeen! CELIA steps out of the car as ZELDA steps out as well. CELIA (low, to herself) This bitch, Jesus.

EXT. KREKHEIM MAIN STREET - NIGHT CELIA’s car is parked on the main street and as she steps out, the Friday night crowd is in full affect, locals and folks in all kinds of medieval dress stroll about. GARTER is maybe twenty feet away, talking to a few German women in their late 50s, early 60s... GARTER But it is the moon, the moon, that gets my poetic juices broiling more than... GARTER continues chatting, ZELDA has walked up to him and is standing by his side, admiring his poetic sermon as quite cute, but also clearly anxious for him to be done with it. CELIA watches them from afar as she finishes eating the cookie. CELIA (to herself) Fucking delicious. She listens a bit as GARTER recites a poem to the ladies. GARTER “What is there in thee, Moon! that thou shouldst move, My heart so potently?” CELIA slowly moves her hand down and kind of checks her crotch, afraid she might have one of her spontaneous orgasms. CELIA Good god don’t pop on me now. The ladies giggle and walk away from GARTER as he bows to them, then looks up at the moon and gives a “mwah” kiss gesture to it. ZELDA pinches his ass, he kisses her on the cheek and puts his arm around her. CELIA comes up and puts her arm around GARTER from the other side, the two ladies now hanging off of him. 9.

GARTER kisses CELIA on the cheek, which triggers a menacing pissed off face on ZELDA for a quick second, which CELIA cannot see. GARTER turns and looks at ZELDA and she instantly sweetly smiles and kisses him full on the mouth. CELIA (CONT'D) You were reciting Keats... GARTER Yes, Endymion. CELIA One of my faves. GARTER, with the ladies hanging on each side, strolls through the Friday crowd down Main Street. GARTER Well aren’t I the luckiest guy in Krekheim tonight. ZELDA suddenly trips, very clearly on purpose, tossing one of her giant breasts right out of her dress! And then like a damsel in distress... ZELDA (to Garter) Oh my, help me, help me! GARTER helps her stabilize and get her breast back into her dress. CELIA leers at ZELDA during this, their backs to her. They then get back to walking separately now, ZELDA and CELIA still on either side of GARTER. GARTER The good Dr. Hauser, Celia, he’s agreed to explore your...your... issue. CELIA starts shaking her head like, “good god not in front of ZELDA.” ZELDA Issue? GARTER The doctor has... CELIA Don’t...don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t...shhhh. CELIA presses her fingers to GARTER’s lips to stop him from speaking. 10.

CELIA (CONT'D) It’s a...special quadrant of my life I... ZELDA Oh pop poosy. Poosy pop. Mmmm. Gross, huh? ZELDA gives a “yuck” look to CELIA who completely ignores it. CELIA (sincere) Good gracious Garter you are a treat, thank you so much. CELIA lightly kisses him on the cheek, then turns to ZELDA... CELIA (CONT'D) (to Zelda) My body is a sex bomb, what can I say. ZELDA smirks at her a little. GARTER He’s an amazing doctor. ZELDA mocks “he’s an amazing doctor” under her breath to herself. Then her and CELIA for a fraction of a second share an eye contact competitive leer. Then ZELDA goes all smiles, swings around and loops arms with CELIA and yanks her far from GARTER and they continue walking, GARTER a bit behind them. ZELDA (extremely friendly, like they’re pals already) I want to know all about you, all things, things of every. CELIA Why this is your night tonight, darling. As they speak, ZELDA has led them straight toward a crowd of various men like a collision course, like they’re not even there. CELIA sees this and watches as they all part like the red sea and ogle ZELDA. GARTER says quick hellos and chats with the various dudes as they pass. Various younger German women ogle GARTER and leer at ZELDA. 11.

A group of seven or eight German men of all ages suddenly appear aside them and serenade ZELDA with “Happy Birthday” in German, male vocal group style. They stop walking and listen. MALE VOCAL GROUP (singing - German, subtitles) Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Zelda, Happy Birthday to you! As they sing, GARTER smiles, delighted, and makes a “mwah” kiss motion to the moon again. ZELDA places her hand on her heart, and has an extremely touched look on her face, almost teary eyed. When they finish singing, ZELDA hugs and kisses each man tight and on the cheek. They all flush red when she does, then bow. Then one of the serenading men asks for ZELDA’s autograph, extending a movie promotion picture of her dressed as Queen Anne... FAN (German, subtitles) May I? ZELDA signs it with a flourish and hands it back. FAN (CONT'D) (German, subtitles) Are you really quitting the movies? I heard a rumor... ZELDA (German, subtitles) Oh they’re just silly stories. The fan gives an awkward smile, almost like ZELDA is insulting him. ZELDA (CONT'D) Real life is here, right honey? GARTER puts his arms around ZELDA and kisses her on the cheek. Then starts reciting a poem to the fan and the men gathered. GARTER (reciting poem) This grand Obsolesces the paltry verve Of tinny gowns and... 12.

CELIA watches this exchange a little perturbed and then pulls ZELDA away from GARTER and the fan. CELIA I loved you in Queen Anne. ZELDA Oh thank you. CELIA You’re a real actress, cried I did, real tears. ZELDA peps herself back to overly excited, loops arms with CELIA again, almost stumbling into her when she does, and they walk ahead. GARTER finishes his recitation, then follows behind them as he handwrites poetry ideas on a little notepad, in his own world as... ZELDA Happy Birthday to meeeeee! (German, subtitles) Happy Birthday to meeeeee! As ZELDA yanks them along, CELIA eyes her heaving breasts. CELIA then moves her hand down to her own crotch, covertly checking it again, hoping she doesn’t spontaneously orgasm from being turned on by ZELDA. CELIA (low to herself) Goddamn. They are passing a barber shop and GARTER stops and walks to it’s window and stares. ZELDA looks back and sees this and stops walking. She lets go of CELIA and walks up to GARTER and stares with him at the barber shop window. CELIA is wondering what they are looking at and slowly approaches from behind. As she gets side by side with them, she sees GARTER is crying and ZELDA is hanging her head on his shoulder, sad. GARTER (crying) To the angels, Gunter, to the angles. CELIA sees there is a tribute in the window to one of the barbers who recently passed. She watches GARTER shed his tears as... 13.

CELIA (low to her self, like, “do I want to be with this man?”) A lifetime of that soppiness? GARTER suddenly turns and faces CELIA. GARTER (weeping) It’s precious, life is so precious. You see that doctor. CELIA is taken aback and kind of freezes... CELIA I will, scout’s honor. CELIA holds up a pinky finger, GARTER loops it with his and smiles at her. Then SMACK SMACK SMACK! ZELDA is now behind them, one high heel shoe off, smacking it against the ground hard, over and over and over! GARTER turns around and his eyes go wide at this ridiculously aggressive display. ZELDA (German, subtitles) Shit shit shit shit shit shit...! ZELDA looks up and sees GARTER’s frozen uncomfortableness and smirks at him. He blushes. She holds the shoe up and saunters towards GARTER. CELIA watches, riveted. ZELDA (CONT'D) (German, subtitles) Covered...in shit! ZELDA is waving the heel of the shoe an inch from GARTER’s mouth, dog poo on it. She then hurls the shoe and it ricochets an inch from CELIA’s foot! ZELDA and CELIA exchange a fraction of a second of aggressive eye contact, then ZELDA again deflates into the damsel in distress. ZELDA (CONT'D) (like a little girl) Noooooo....noooooo. She takes the other high heel off, chucks it away into the street like it’s nothing. ZELDA (CONT'D) My prince... 14.

She tosses her arms in the air and starts to fall. GARTER realizes what she is doing in the nick of time and catches her. She is in his arms now face to face and says lowly to him, unheard by CELIA... ZELDA (CONT'D) (low, with force and power) Who’s your daddy? GARTER (low, obedient) Y...y...you are. ZELDA turns right back into the delicate damsel, lets her limbs deflate and GARTER heaves her entire body into his arms and carries her, one arm under her legs, the other under her back, so she is looking up at him. ZELDA Happy Birthday to me! GARTER walks carrying ZELDA and having a private conversation with her as CELIA watches kind of sad and defeated from the side. CELIA (low to herself) This bitch. BALDRICK, a gnarly looking dwarf man, 40s, about 3’6” tall, dressed as a king, is suddenly in front of CELIA. He hands a wilted deadening rose up to her. She looks at him curiously. CELIA (CONT'D) My liege? BALDRICK For you. He bows to her, still holding the wilting rose up to her. CELIA Well aren’t you a can of peaches. She takes it and bends down and kisses him on each cheek. Then stands up straight and looks at the rose and crinkles her nose, seeing it’s rather wilted. BALDRICK pulls out a scroll and begins reciting a poem from it to CELIA. GARTER has stopped and turned, holding ZELDA, and both are smiling as they watch on. 15.

BALDRICK (reciting poetry) The flowers of autumn Swoop and fly BALDRICK runs in a little circle, arms out. BALDRICK (CONT'D) Kiss the air as they die He then leaps up arms around CELIA’s shoulders and she catches him! His arms around her holding the scroll behind her head. CELIA Well well my liege. He clears his throat rather disgustingly and right by her ear. CELIA (CONT'D) (perturbed) My liege. He reads from the scroll as she holds him. BALDRICK The flowers of autumn Swoop and fly Kiss the air as they die As BALDRICK is reciting, a little girl, 6 or 7 years old, runs up and hands BALDRICK a wreathe of flowers behind CELIA’s back, as she holds him. The girl winks at BALDRICK and watches on. GARTER is still holding ZELDA and they’re watching too. BALDRICK (CONT'D) And all the birds And all the bees Competing in their flights Couldn’t ruin their ugly joyous beauty if they tried. BALDRICK smiles and sets the wreathe of flowers on CELIA’s head and then kisses her on the cheek as she holds him. CELIA smiles lightly at him. GARTER It’s a poetry gram. 16.

GARTER winks at CELIA. Then ZELDA winks at her as well. CELIA takes the wreathe of flowers off her head with one hand while still holding BALDRICK pressed to her chest, and looks at it. Then scowls as the wreathe is made out of all wilted roses. BALDRICK whistles loudly (CELIA winces at it right in her ear), then he continues reciting... BALDRICK If you love yourself like the setting sun... Suddenly a golden retriever flies up to them. CELIA is still holding the wreathe out and looking at it and the dog rips it out of her hand and starts tearing it to shreds! BALDRICK (CONT'D) Bernard, stop stop! BALDRICK leaps out of CELIA’s arm and wrangles the dog and gets the now rather torn up wreathe of wilting roses out of its mouth. BALDRICK (CONT'D) (to Celia) Sorry. He then leaps into the air and sets the slobbered, torn up wreathe of wilted roses onto CELIA’s head and she scowls at him. He then looks at his scroll and with a flourish, finishes reciting the poetry gram. BALDRICK (CONT'D) Then god’s beauty will glow through you It’s bounty infinitely bounding Regardless the mortal’s view You are you, ever beautiful GARTER has a cringed look now and ZELDA is smirking at CELIA. She slowly removes the slobbered wreathe of dead roses and looks at it. Then at the girl. BALDRICK (CONT'D) My daughter. CELIA smiles at her, and sets the slobbered wreathe on her head. The girl looks up at it and cringes. BALDRICK stares at CELIA, oblivious to his screwing up the whole thing. BALDRICK (CONT'D) (to Celia) You are soooo pretty. Now you just have a grand old day. 17.

He walks away with his daughter as the girl wipes dog drool off her head. GARTER My god Celia, I’m so sorry. It doesn’t usually go like that. CELIA You...poetry grammed me? GARTER Welcome to...Krekheim? CELIA It’s the thought that counts, right? ZELDA It means your beautiful even though... CELIA cuts her off... CELIA A grand gesture. Almost as grand as carrying you all night, darling. ZELDA, lying in GARTER’s arms, looks at her bare feet. ZELDA (to Garter) Gimme your shoes. GARTER looks at her in silence for a moment. GARTER Uhhhh...their a little big for... ZELDA They’ll fit. C’mon c’mon. She rolls out of his arms into a hand stand on the ground and holds the hand stand, staring at CELIA, with her breasts almost coming out of her dress. It is a balancing act to be admired. GARTER very quickly squats and takes his shoes off, then places one on each of her feet as she stands in the hand stand. CELIA watches almost terrified of this acrobatic display. Some onlookers stop and watch as well. ZELDA lowers to the ground and stands. A bunch of people clap. CELIA claps as well in disbelief. GARTER smiles, then looks down at his feet in socks and all the pavement ahead of them. He starts walking on the sides of his feet, while doing his best not to cringe. ZELDA looks at him walking sock footed and smirks, he blushes. 18.

She then trots up to CELIA, loops arms with her and yanks the two of them ahead of GARTER. They walk together as GARTER delicately cringe steps in his socks behind them. ZELDA (CONT'D) The most romantic of romantics, no? My lord, a poetry gram. Sweet Garter. Oh my man. My, my... (a burst of singing) Oh my fucking maaaaaan! ZELDA then giggles. CELIA (low, almost a whisper) Zelda? ZELDA (low, imitating her tone) Celia? CELIA Do you think I’m ugly? ZELDA stops them walking, their arms still looped. She looks at CELIA while seriously considering the question. GARTER is behind them writing again in his notepad. ZELDA Now why would you say...? CELIA It’s a poem for old and/or ugly people. I’m not old so... ZELDA I mean you’re fat. CELIA They’re two different things. ZELDA looks back at GARTER to see if he’s listening but he’s in his own world. ZELDA He means well. Really. CELIA leans in and whispers in her ear... CELIA I’ve fucked seventy three people. ZELDA’s eyes go wide... 19.

ZELDA Really? CELIA Ja, so I can’t, ya know, tell...fucking pussy...dudes’ll fuck anything. ZELDA Ja. CELIA And I have my eye, on a fella, ya know, love like. ZELDA Really? CELIA Ja. And I’m trying to get a sense, ya know, of my value. I think it might be, inflated, from all my whoring. ZELDA A seven, eight...seven. CELIA So you’re bisexual? ZELDA I’m...sorry, I’m... CELIA Thank you honey, I’ll put your vote down as a five or a six, I’m bi too. CELIA kisses ZELDA on the cheek, who is clearly freaked out. CELIA (CONT'D) (to Garter) All that poetry, you’re missing the ! GARTER Apologies. He puts the pad away and comes up and loops arms on the other side of CELIA, so she’s in the middle. CELIA Your girlfriend thinks I’m a five. 20.

ZELDA is flush red. GARTER Five what? CELIA leads them walking arm in arm. She starts skipping so they start to skip, GARTER in slight pain and worry from skipping on pavement in socks! CELIA On the looks scale, what do you think? ZELDA I did not, I said seven or... GARTER I’m sorry I... CELIA One must always adjust down for politeness. Garter, how do I rate? CELIA steps in front of them, un-looping arms, and spins slowly, sticks her leg out, pulls the dress up and slaps her fat thigh and the fat jiggles. GARTER Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. CELIA Yeah, how’s your eye rate that? ZELDA walks up to CELIA, huffs, and yanks her dress down. She then leers right in CELIA’s eyes, who smiles a little deviously at her. GARTER Gorgeous darling. CELIA steps forward real close to him, so their breath is on top of each other. GARTER kind of freezes and stares in her eyes. ZELDA is to the side half enraged. GARTER (CONT'D) What are you doing? CELIA Checking pupil dilation. ZELDA yanks CELIA away from GARTER, loops arms with her and goes back to being super friendly. 21.

ZELDA Would you tell me all about yourself? ZELDA starts walking with CELIA, GARTER frozen behind them, in shock. He licks his lips and shakes his head out, clearly turned on by CELIA. He then notices BALDRICK far off, hand in hand with his dwarf girlfriend, same age as him. She kisses BALDRICK on the cheek, and as she does, the two bluebirds from the previous episode that GARTER watched copulate, land on each of the dwarfs heads. Both dwarfs look up at the bluebirds perched on their heads and smile. ZELDA, still arm looped with CELIA, yells to GARTER from far off. ZELDA (CONT'D) Garter! GARTER replies absentmindedly, as he watches the birds. GARTER Ja. ZELDA (louder) Garter! ZELDA leaves CELIA and walks up to GARTER perturbed, as CELIA stays behind about thirty feet. GARTER still isn’t paying attention to ZELDA, entranced by the bluebirds. As she comes up to him, she stops and annoyingly turns her head to see what he’s staring at. GARTER Look at the birds, isn’t that romantic? The bluebirds fly off the dwarfs heads and he turns and faces ZELDA. She starts to go off on him, and the sound goes muffled so we just see ZELDA ranting in GARTER’s face as he now watches the birds fly into the air above her head. Then the bluebirds separate mid air, one landing on CELIA’s head as the sound of ZELDA returns and... ZELDA Are you listening to me? GARTER Ja. The second bluebird then lands on ZELDA’s head. GARTER’s eyes go wide in wonder and a stupid smile comes over his face as he sees both ladies with bluebirds perched on their heads. Simultaneously, both CELIA and ZELDA notice the bluebirds and look up. 22.

GARTER smiles even sweeter and dumber, then suddenly both women violently smash the bluebirds away! CELIA catches hers by the throat, throws it against the ground and it flies away. ZELDA knocks hers down and stares at it as it flounders on the ground, kicks it and it flies away. ZELDA then looks up at GARTER, who has a stunned look on his face. We see CELIA at a distance walking towards the host of a restaurant with outdoor seating. ZELDA (low) Where are her friends? GARTER (low) Reggie and Espy are my friends too. ZELDA (low) Where fucking are they? GARTER (low) They’ll be late. ZELDA (low) We have fucking streamers and shit! GARTER I don’t understand? ZELDA (low) It’ll just be the three of us. GARTER Ja. ZELDA (low) I will look like a loser. GARTER Babe, your famous, you’re a star here. ZELDA (low) A star, with no fucking friends. 23.

GARTER puts his arm around her and kisses her on the cheek. He then smiles at CELIA from afar, who at this point is watching and waiting for them at a distance. GARTER and ZELDA start walking together toward CELIA as... GARTER (low, to Zelda) C’mon, you’ll make friends. ZELDA We have been here for a year! GARTER and ZELDA look around the street, all the men are gawking at her, some of their girlfriends getting mad at them for gawking, and many of the women are leering at her. ZELDA (CONT'D) (low) I have nice girl been... ZELDA smiles and waves at a group of leering women in their 20s, all pretty looking, but no ZELDA. One of them, DONNA, perks up and runs toward her. ZELDA (CONT'D) Donna! DONNA hands her a small paper ticket for an event. DONNA (German, subtitles) I just cannot come, I’m sorry. ZELDA (German, subtitles) Oh you can wear any old dress is fine, there will be movie stars galore there and... DONNA (German, subtitles) It’s not that, I... DONNA looks back at her friends who are giving her the death stare. DONNA (CONT'D) (German, subtitles) I have a thing. So kind of you. She air kisses ZELDA’s cheek, smiles politely to her, and trots off back to her friends. She looks back at ZELDA smiling lightly to her, and ZELDA gives her death eyes. 24.

ZELDA (low to Garter, and furiously) A fucking movie premiere, she won’t go, her friends hate me so much. Everyone here hate me. What the fuck did I do, but be nice fucking cunt...! CELIA is now standing next to them as ZELDA is boiling over at GARTER red faced. CELIA leans delicately into ZELDA’s space and blows into her ear, which causes ZELDA to jolt and look at her. CELIA The maitre d’ says if we don’t grab our table now, he has to give it away. ZELDA Ja. GARTER loops arms with ZELDA, smiles reassuringly to CELIA, who smiles lightly back, and they walk toward the restaurant. ZELDA is looking to the side hiding her face from CELIA, crying slightly.

INT. DIE VERLIEBTE ERINNERUNG (RESTAURANT) - NIGHT The restaurant Die verliebte Erinnerung (or, “The Infatuated Reminisce” in English) has walls lined with french doors on the front and side, which are fully open to it’s outdoor seating, creating an open air dining environment. It is a checkered table cloth kind of place. Rather large, full to the hilt - lots of families and tourists in their medieval costumes. A band with a violin player plays fun medieval music. Some couples and children dance. CELIA is sitting across from GARTER and ZELDA at a table for six, but just the three of them are at it. There are streamers and a “Happy Birthday Zelda!” sign hanging above, in German. The Alice and Wonderland music box is set in front of ZELDA and she is looking it over in wonder. Blonde Alice looks quite similar to how ZELDA might have as a girl. GARTER Striking resemblance, dear. ZELDA is engrossed in the object and winding it up. She looks up and nods. 25.

CELIA Espy gave me the scoop, I searched far and wide. GARTER She has over thirty different knick knacks look like her. CELIA Alice and Wonderland. GARTER Ahhhhh, Lewis Carrol. Such a treat, huh? CELIA nods, quite pleased at the poetry connection with GARTER. Then the music box plays some tinny music while saying in the voice of a young girl Alice, a quote from the book, “When I used to read fairy tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one!” GARTER (CONT'D) Splendid, true dear true. He kisses ZELDA on the cheek who grimaces for a moment then smiles at him. GARTER smiles at CELIA. ZELDA tries to hide her obvious pleasure at the object to CELIA... ZELDA I mean, it’s old. CELIA An antique. ZELDA Ja. GARTER takes it and winds it again, and again it plays tinselly music and says, “Oh, ‘tis love, ‘tis love, that makes the world go round!” GARTER She will cherish it. CELIA (singing boisterously) ‘Tis love! Oh it is love love love! (regular speech) Ain’t that right ya lovely love poet? 26.

CELIA downs a glass of bourbon and sets it down next to another she had previously downed. Then sips from a glass of almost finished red wine as GARTER watches her friendly, but a bit terrified by the amount of drinking. ZELDA continues looking over the music box. CELIA (CONT'D) (to Zelda) I bet you were a hottie at her age, huh...Zelda honey?! ZELDA looks up at her. CELIA (CONT'D) When ya sprout? (she motions to her breasts) What, like eleven? ZELDA Ja...fuckin’ ja bitch. Jesus this woman, Garter. ZELDA puts the music box under her chair. ZELDA (CONT'D) Very nice of you to give me gift, thank you Celia. CELIA Ya scored the epic bitch of the millennia, Garts. All lady body perfection. ZELDA Very kind, of, you, Celia. CELIA I mean goddamn! Goddamn bitch, Jesus. Uff. CELIA holds up her finished whiskey glasses and a waiter grabs them. CELIA (CONT'D) (to waiter) Two more. GARTER You’re really smashing them down. CELIA It’s all that ebulliently bursting life in me darling. 27.

GARTER blushes as CELIA is referencing her spontaneous orgasm he witnessed prior. GARTER (to Celia) Well burst forth darling. Recite us some poetry. ZELDA (to Celia) You, are drunk. Twenty minutes, smashed. CELIA The poet’s life blood, birthday girl. The waiter arrives with the two whiskeys and CELIA hands one to ZELDA. ZELDA takes it, but looks at it with a bit of a grimace. GARTER Where’s mine? CELIA We don’t want you blacking out. GARTER blushes. CELIA (CONT'D) I shall grace you, with my private poetry. ZELDA No I not drink this no. CELIA gets up and stands behind ZELDA and rubs her shoulders. ZELDA gives her an awkward look but allows it, as she continues sniffing the whiskey. CELIA It’ll inebriate and slaughter all that birthday pain with it’s flame, hon’. GARTER She’s not a real drinker. Tender...system. ZELDA I don’t have a tender fucking system. CELIA puts her hands now around ZELDA’s belly. 28.

CELIA I’ll brace ya, have at it. ZELDA downs the shot, then shakes her head out. ZELDA (German, subtitles) Fucking arrrrgghhhhh! GARTER chuckles. GARTER I don’t know, Celia. ZELDA You don’t. Another! ZELDA holds the empty glass up to the waiter, who darts off to refill. GARTER hangs his head a bit, fearing the worst of this. CELIA A poem a poem... CELIA slides back to her side of the table, picks up her glass of red wine and almost stumble falls into her chair. She then stands up straight and holds the glass up. The waiter hands ZELDA another whiskey. GARTER reaches for it, ZELDA death stares him, and he meekly retreats back and gestures for her to go ahead and drink if she really wants. ZELDA sniffs the whiskey as... CELIA (CONT'D) When children play haughty games In fire and in rain Full of convalescent grace Life’s charging rushes upon their face Elixirs of risk Daring all what ifs To come and get them... CELIA tips the glass of whiskey, which ZELDA is sniffing, into ZELDA’s mouth. ZELDA giggles and smiles as she swallows and dribbles some out. Then ZELDA grabs her glass of red wine, glugs it down, stands up and SMASHES the glass on the ground! Everyone in the restaurant looks at them. ZELDA Happy Birthday to me! Some guy patrons clap and whistle, some waiters smile, as a busser comes and cleans it up. 29.

The BURLY MAITRE D’, a tall and stocky man across the room, winks at ZELDA. GARTER almost fully has his face in his hands at this point. CELIA suddenly grabs ZELDA and holds her in a tango dance pose. GARTER Babe... ZELDA Babe fuck a fuck. GARTER This never goes well doll. ZELDA Celia smells like...ice cream Sunday. GARTER I’m sure she does. ZELDA We dance? The restaurant band is playing the medieval sounding fun lilting music and we can see the dance floor about twenty feet off. CELIA I’m stealing your bitch. GARTER At this point, she’s gone already. ZELDA (to Celia) You feel good too. (to Garter) In her body I feel good Garter, Celia good fun, mmff. ZELDA juts her groin at CELIA, who blushes for a second. CELIA (playful) You like me poem, G G Garter Garter boe Barter? GARTER Uh...yeah, very nice. 30.

ZELDA Woo! I feel it, I feel the fire drink, woo! CELIA (to Zelda) You’re a doll. ZELDA I am indeed. I am a doll! Ha! CELIA (referring to Zelda being drunk on whiskey) The poet’s fire Garter, infused into your inspiration. Take inhales of muse, oh your love is alive! GARTER I will, Celia, thank you. CELIA Well he can be a boring poo poo. ZELDA (to Celia) I feel very nice and good now thank you. ZELDA for a brief second nuzzles CELIA’s neck. CELIA looks at her like, “you are really drunk.” CELIA (reciting poem) The bounding frolics through thorn and briar That scratched them once before Bleeds joy in the face of that Oh crisp knock of salty life Whose sting tastes sweet when jaunting with ZELDA You competitive poet jealous Garter. She passion fire better, huh? GARTER It is quite nice, Celia, it is. CELIA leads ZELDA to the dance floor tango style, swings her half drunk and stumbling around a bit. 31.

Then CELIA dances with her in rhythm, hand in hand, very close, but not touching except their hands. ZELDA I feel better, so much so, I have been so sad and mad and angry and crazy and tired and bored and going nuts in this...I’m sorry. I’m... CELIA spins ZELDA around so her back is in CELIA’s chest. CELIA We must watch for the sad droopy drunk too quick, doll. ZELDA looks back and up into CELIA’s eyes. ZELDA You have very pretty eyes. CELIA I know. ZELDA, leaning back into CELIA’s chest, looks about the restaurant. Her giant breasts are pressed out tight in her dress and a ton of men and boys around the restaurant are gawking and women leering. CELIA (CONT'D) (low) Everyone’s staring at us... ZELDA smirks. CELIA (CONT'D) ...movie star. ZELDA I am...walking...can cans they say can cans, right? CELIA Oh you are indeed, doll. ZELDA I wanna be invisible. CELIA spins ZELDA around and dances with her close, their bodies pressed now, ZELDA’s head over CELIA’s shoulder. 32.

ZELDA (CONT'D) And in the spotlight, predicament for can cans lady never be invisible. But spotlight, say harsh, word right? Harsh! CELIA Don’t be stupid. It’s good. It’s all good. People are, whatever. You, got magic bitch. And it’s a motherfucking crime to hide out here. ZELDA pulls her head out from CELIA’s shoulder and dances looking her in the eyes. ZELDA (perturbed) Oh okay okay, you know, nothing crap. Hiding. Celia, I am not hiding. I am freeing. I can breathe here best, away from bigger lights, in Garter way of life. Real life better, simple good. GARTER is sitting morosely watching them from their table, CELIA and ZELDA look over at him. CELIA He’s a catch, but worth a movie career? Oh c’mon, you must miss it, huh? And you’re so goddamn talented. CELIA spins ZELDA quick and thumps her back into her chest. ZELDA Oh I am I am indeed. ZELDA drops her head on CELIA’s shoulder. ZELDA (CONT'D) But I am, as Garter say, tender. Too harsh. Oh I have a home of true love here. Glamour, fame, crap, it’s crap. Garter’s real. This place is real, real life. CELIA Right, real life. They look about and there are all kinds of folks in medieval costumes. 33.

CELIA (CONT'D) You can fly upon imagination’s wings, for the artist is as necessary as the real, is the real. How can you give up those flights of art, even for...this good man’s love? ZELDA spins back around facing CELIA, head over her shoulder, as they dance close. ZELDA Oh the cost to do art. Movie fucking world fucking shit fucking too fucking pretty, can’t do serious, I gain seventy fucking pounds, a-fucking-ward, too, fucking, fat!...fucking, fucking.... ZELDA is starting to tremble and emotionally break down. CELIA Fuck ‘em. ZELDA, now red faced, starts to shake and cry as she looks about at everyone staring at her. ZELDA Here real, leer real, leer hate me, fawn me, fucking detest me, they hate me to fucking hell! CELIA Yes hon’, cost of bein’ the epic shit. ZELDA So, just...fuck ‘em, right? CELIA Yes doll, fuck ‘em. ZELDA Ja, fuck all of them, leaving me with no one! Except him! So leave him fucking alone! She shoves CELIA who falls to her back right into the musicians, knocking a music stand over and slamming to the ground! The music halts and everyone stares at them. 34.

ZELDA (CONT'D) (to Celia) I’m sorry. (beat) You cunt! GARTER, still in his chair, almost fully falls over hiding his head in his lap. Long awkward silence as everyone in the restaurant stares at ZELDA. She then starts pointing around at all the people staring at her, picking out various individuals... ZELDA (CONT'D) (German, subtitles) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! (beat, then to Celia, in English) Fuck, yooouuuuuuuuu! ZELDA runs out of the restaurant through the french doors on the walls, to the street. GARTER exhales, exasperated, and bounds outside in pursuit of ZELDA in his socks, uncomfortably stepping as he does. The giant, BURLY MAITRE D’ helps CELIA to her feet, who then watches from afar as ZELDA cries hysterically outside and GARTER comforts her. MAITRE D' (referring to Zelda) The belle of the , so sad. CELIA Tell me about it. Some patrons chat with CELIA... WOMAN PATRON (in wonder) You know Zelda? CELIA Ja. WOMAN PATRON I cried to Queen Anne. CELIA Me too, she’s incredible. MAN PATRON Ja. CELIA starts to walk outside toward ZELDA & GARTER, as ZELDA still cries a little and GARTER comforts her. 35.

EXT. DIE VERLIEBTE ERINNERUNG (RESTAURANT) SIDEWALK - NIGHT The sidewalk just outside the restaurant on the main street is full of locals and folks in medieval costumes strolling about. GARTER and ZELDA have gone to a corner. She has calmed down and GARTER is still comforting her. GARTER You can’t let them get to you. CELIA is walking toward them on the sidewalk. ZELDA sees her and bounds towards her at full speed. She throws her arms around CELIA, kissing her repeatedly on the cheek as... ZELDA I’m sorry crazy drunk birthday crazy drunk me says sorry to Celia Celia bo Belia, okay? CELIA just stands there still, ZELDA half hanging on her. GARTER stays where he is, watching from a distance, uncomfortable with it all. CELIA raises a cigarette to her mouth and lights it. ZELDA lets go of her, stands back and waves the smoke away. CELIA It happens. ZELDA Ja. CELIA Why you even wanna come out and celebrate if...? ZELDA suddenly grabs the cigarette out of CELIA’s hand and inhales. GARTER huffs when he sees this and uncomfortably sock-steps down the sidewalk toward them. ZELDA Fuck ‘em, right? CELIA So you know the deal. ZELDA Harder to do, then, ya know. GARTER angrily yanks the cigarette away from ZELDA. GARTER You don’t smoke. 36.

CELIA I’m a bad influence. CELIA yanks the cigarette from GARTER and hands it back to ZELDA. ZELDA smirks, inhales with the cig dangling in her mouth and juts her head toward GARTER. He ducks away from the cig coming at his face like a knife! GARTER It’s your birthday. ZELDA I love life. Now. Right now! ZELDA sticks the cig in CELIA’s mouth and swings behind her and wraps her arms around CELIA’s neck. ZELDA (CONT'D) (to Celia) Thank you. She kisses CELIA on the cheek. The BURLY MAITRE D’ is standing just outside the restaurant watching them, almost like he’s hoping they will come back in and pay. GARTER leaves CELIA and ZELDA and walks towards the BURLY MAITRE D’. CELIA (to Zelda) Well, shall we dance and get hokey? ZELDA deflates and stares with terrified eyes at the restaurant. CELIA (CONT'D) You’re famous, artist. It’s fine. Crazy bitch, they want you back in there. ZELDA Oh ja...ha! Let’s get hokey! ZELDA grabs CELIA by the hand and dances with her back into the restaurant.

INT. ESPERANAZA & REGINALD’S HOTEL SUITE - BEDROOM - NIGHT Spacious, a king sized bed, closet, desk, TV and a couple chairs. We cut in to chocolate cake flying through the air as ESPERANZA dodges it and it hits the wall, splat! 37.

Room is a mess from all the odd sex they’ve been having, various sex toys hanging around, clothing strewn about, food items every which place. They are in the middle of a fight now, both half naked, REGINALD in his saran wrap face mummy bandage. REGINALD You’re the liar. REGINALD holds his arms out like a zombie, because he’s half blind, and walks toward ESPERANZA, who slinks along the wall trying to get away from him. REGINALD (CONT'D) You you you! ESPERANZA I love you. (in Spanish, no subtitles) You impossible cunt! REGINALD I could kill, you! ESPERANZA grabs REGINALD by the head and kisses his lips through a slit in the saran wrap. REGINALD (CONT'D) Ow. ESPERANZA I didn’t think you could take it. REGINALD deflates and sits on the ground as... REGINALD She’s my mother, she was sick, you should have told me. ESPERANZA leans down and comforts him as he weeps a little. ESPERANZA She wanted it that way, don’t blame me. REGINALD flips from weepy to snap stern on a dime. REGINALD So we’re rich, what’s the big deal? ESPERANZA stands up straight and leers down at him. 38.

ESPERANZA You’re worth fifty million dollars and you didn’t fucking tell me! REGINALD So what. ESPERANZA So what?! We’re basically married! REGINALD That’s the goddamn point. ESPERANZA If that prejudice hetero institution wasn’t such shit, you would have had to tell me, bitch! REGINALD starts to stand and ESPERANZA tries to help him. REGINALD bats him away and gets to his feet on his own. REGINALD I’m telling you! ESPERANZA Don’t you trust me, we’re soul mates! REGINALD points to his scarred up face. REGINALD You wanna be soul mated to this?! ESPERANZA Y...y...yes... REGINALD Money, face, heart, soul! What do you love me for?! ESPERANZA You, you fucking piece of fucking shit! They fall into each others arms and go at it sexually on the ground for a bit, then as REGINALD lays on ESPERANZA... REGINALD When you’re rich, you can’t tell why poor people love you. ESPERANZA I’m not, wasn’t poor... 39.

REGINALD Same thing with this gorgeous mug, people love the gorgeous guy for all the wrong reasons... ESPERANZA I love you for you. REGINALD Good, that was the point of the fucking lie!

INT. DIE VERLIEBTE ERINNERUNG (RESTAURANT) SIDEWALK - NIGHT CELIA, with a rather depressed look, is seated across from GARTER and ZELDA, who are feeding each other dessert playfully. The table is covered in the remnants of their finished dinner. At the table next to them, sitting in a group, is the man MINCHKEN, mid-late 40s, thin, short curly hair, sweater vest. He turns to CELIA and points at some unfinished sausage on CELIA’s table. MINCHKEN Is that Leberkase? CELIA Huh? MINCHKEN leans into CELIA’s space and points at the sausage. MINCHKEN Is that Leberkase? CELIA Ja ja. MINCHKEN leans in further and starts to reach over CELIA to take the leftover sausage. GARTER Minchken, don’t do that, there are ladies. MINCHKEN grabs the sausage with his bare hand. CELIA I don’t mind. ZELDA I do. 40.

ZELDA grabs the sausage back. A sly look suddenly comes across CELIA’s face, breaking through her moroseness, and she puts her hand on MINCHKEN’s thigh. CELIA (low) Wanna fuck? MINCHKEN’s eyes go wide. ZELDA sees this and smirks, GARTER’s face goes red. MINCHKEN Se..se...seriously? CELIA runs her hand up MINCHKEN’s leg towards his crotch. CELIA (to Minchken) I’m hungry. MINCHKEN looks over quickly at the group he’s sitting with, who have not noticed the exchange. CELIA stands up with a sultry look and holds MINCHKEN’s hand and he starts to stand up with her. Just then, REGINALD, in a dandy of a (and with his normal face bandages on now), and ESPERANZA, in a slightly more conservative suit, swoop between CELIA and MINCHKEN and break up the hand hold between them. ESPERANZA (low to Celia) Eyes on the prize bitch. CELIA rolls her eyes and plops back down in her seat. REGINALD (to Minchken) She has herpes. MINCHKEN goes red and quickly turns back to facing his own table. REGINALD and ESPERANZA sit on each side of CELIA. ZELDA You miss party! GARTER Welcome you cads! ZELDA pulls GARTER’s face back to hers and continues feeding him. ESPERANZA and REGINALD talk low privately with CELIA as ZELDA and GARTER are in their own little romantic world across the table. 41.

ESPERANZA (low, to Celia) You look discouraged. CELIA subtly gestures towards ZELDA and GARTER’s romantic display. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) (low) They’re a couple. REGINALD (low) He loves fatties. CELIA (low) I can’t, I just can’t. ESPERANZA (low) What are you talking about? CELIA (low) He’s a floozy, she’s a mess, really I... REGINALD (low) You like him though? CELIA (low) Ja. REGINALD (low) Like, a lot. CELIA (low) I mean, I really don’t think I should like him. ESPERANZA (low) He’s sincere, very sincere. REGINALD (low) Lives in a fantasy world. 42.

ESPERANZA (low) Cries on a dime. CELIA (low) Your best friend. REGINALD (low) You’re our best friend. CELIA (low) I know. ESPERANZA Hey Garter... GARTER looks over at them and ESPERANZA picks up a morsel of food from the table and tosses it at GARTER’s face and he catches it in his mouth. GARTER then smiles and returns to being playful with ZELDA. ESPERANZA (CONT'D) (to Garter) Good boy. (low, to Celia) Whatever you want. CELIDA nods, clearly turned on and happy about that. REGINALD (low) He’s your opposite, you’re good for each other, that’s why you’re attracted to him. CELIA (low) Love what I can’t stand? ESPERANZA (low) Don’t listen to your mind, listen to your heart, what’s it saying? CELIA (low, pouty but admitting) That I’m in love. (beat) Ugh, I can’t stand him. (she looks over at Garter) I’m so in love. 43.

ZELDA is still playfully feeding GARTER. She looks over at CELIA and smiles. CELIA smiles back and ZELDA returns to GARTER. CELIA (CONT'D) (low) Girl’s broken. ESPERANZA (low) Love is war, collateral damage, bitch. REGINALD (low) Take that hunk, bitch, fuck Zelda. ESPERANZA (low) But don’t fuck Zelda. REGINALD (low) Yeah don’t fuck Zelda. ZELDA is adjusting her breasts as CELIA stares at them. REGINALD and ESPERANZA on either side looking at CELIA with disapproving looks. GARTER smiles at CELIA, she looks up from ZELDA’s breasts and smiles back. CELIA (low to Reginald and Esperanza) Got it, got it.

EXT. KREKHEIM MAIN STREET - NIGHT 11 pm or so, streets still filled with locals and folks in medieval costumes lingering about. GARTER and ZELDA are walking ahead in a private conversation. CELIA a bit behind them, with REGINALD and ESPERANZA to her side, bickering a little in their own private conversation. CELIA Fags! REGINALD and ESPERANZA exhale loudly and come on either side of her, looping arms and they continue walking together at a bit of distance behind GARTER and ZELDA. CELIA (CONT'D) I’m gonna do it. 44.

ESPERANZA Don’t do it. REGINALD Yeah don’t do it. CELIA You just told me to go for it. ESPERANZA But not that. REGINALD Yeah not that not that. CELIA un-loops arms with them, does a 180 facing them, and holds her palms out, stopping them. ESPERANZA Too soon. REGINALD It’s too soon, hon’. CELIA Half way around the world for...go get em’ you said. I’m fucking doing, it. CELIA swivels 180 again and starts walking faster toward GARTER and ZELDA. REGINALD and ESPERANZA stop walking and watch her go. GARTER and ZELDA are ahead in their private conversation... GARTER You put too much stock in what other people think. ZELDA Easy to say for the guy everybody love. CELIA politely interrupts them. CELIA My darlings. ZELDA Thank you for the wonderful birthday gift. ZELDA leans in to say goodbye and kiss cheeks with CELIA and CELIA stops her. 45.

CELIA Oh I got a much better surprise tonight then that little thing. ESPERANZA and REGINALD approach. ESPERANZA (to Celia) You must get home, in case the doctor can see you. GARTER Yes, Dr. Hauser is trying to move things around to get you in. CELIA My little exploding pussy can have a night cap, this kitten’ll be fine. REGINALD (to Celia) Let’s go. REGINALD grabs CELIA’s arm and starts dragging her away as ESPERANZA pushes CELIA from behind, forcing her out of there! GARTER and ZELDA watch this scene like they’re crazy. CELIA Indonesia two thousand ten! ESPERANZA and REGINALD freeze and stop pushing her. GARTER and ZELDA watch them from a bit of a distance. CELIA (CONT'D) (low to Esperanza and Reginald) I swear to god I’ll post it on my Instagram, you want 75 million people to see... ESPERANZA Puta, you wouldn’t dare. REGINALD You would not dare. CELIA I would dare. I would, dare. They fully let go of CELIA now. ESPERANZA He’s gonna find it freaky. 46.

CELIA You wanna talk about freaky... CELIA starts to pull her phone out and ESPERANZA throws his hands up like, “don’t shoot.” REGINALD You’re making your bed. CELIA (low) And I’m gonna fuck his brains out in it. CELIA heads for GARTER now. CELIA (CONT'D) Garter my dear, I hear tonight, the angle of the moon, shall slither through Fountainberg Fields alighting it like no other night. GARTER Is that right? CELIA A special special night of light, it’s the angle, and full moon you see. GARTER Oh Zelda we must. ZELDA stares at CELIA stone faced. ZELDA (to Celia) You’re a delight. CELIA walks away with ZELDA and GARTER down a side street and waves to ESPERANZA and REGINALD who hang back. GARTER looks back to them. CELIA Let them be lovers. ZELDA (low, to herself) Let us be lovers. CELIA kisses ZELDA on the cheek. They continue walking and while ZELDA is looking away for a moment, CELIA looks at her with a sly smirk. Then CELIA loops arms with ZELDA and bounds the two of them towards GARTER. 47.

CELIA then loops arms with GARTER on her other side, and leads the three of them away in the middle. A full moon shines brightly above them.

EXT. FOUNTAINBERG FIELDS (PARK) - NIGHT The full moon is shining over a serene park of rolling hills and occasional trees and flowers. CELIA is leading GARTER and ZELDA, who is pouty and slouching along, down a winding path. They are the only ones in the park, it is very late. CELIA (to Garter) Have you heard of Dominique Klein? GARTER is caught up in admiring the landscape in the moonlight. CELIA (CONT'D) Garter? ZELDA Sex Insta lady. Mmm mmm, ja, poet good. Like big famous time big. CELIA Dominique, ja, seventy five million followers. GARTER (to Celia) You like Dominique Klein? CELIA Amazing. (beat) Amazing. GARTER Mmmm, not my jam. ZELDA Garter! GARTER What? ZELDA loops arms with CELIA. ZELDA He fake prude. 48.

CELIA Is that right? ZELDA Drunk recite Dominique often. GARTER I don’t...I do? ZELDA Vagina poetry. He man. Vagina like man do. Poet man, vagina straight man like of course you like Dominique Klein. GARTER Oh Zelda. CELIA And you my dear? ZELDA Huh? CELIA You like vagina poet lady? ZELDA Yes I do. Very sweet loving rotten dirty stuff. My, jam. GARTER Oh just look at this paradise of light! CELIA pulls out her phone and looks up a poem by Dominique Klein (herself), with ZELDA looking on. CELIA Give her a sober chance, Garter. ZELDA He good poet recite, makes me tingle. ZELDA grabs CELIA’s phone and hands it to GARTER. GARTER Huh? ZELDA You do poetry read, romantic voice, go go. 49.

GARTER takes the phone and stops walking. GARTER (reads from phone) “Derelicts in Bloom.” CELIA C’mon kids, follow me. CELIA, arm looped with ZELDA, grabs GARTER by the hand and drags them off the path through some tall grass and bushes. ZELDA Ugh. ZELDA pushes grass out of her face. CELIA It’s worth the trek. Read Garter read. CELIA leads the three of them through the tall grass and brush, which is all they can see except the moonlight above, as GARTER recites the poem from her phone... ZELDA Go honey, read. GARTER (reciting from phone) The moon, pale Soft and cloud shrouded The clouds move over the moon above, darkening the landscape. GARTER (CONT'D) Tempts social derelicts in bloom To uncover, mushroom Their naughty deliciousness GARTER looks up and eyes both CELIA and ZELDA... GARTER (CONT'D) Currents of flavors Morally mistreated savories Dancing in the dark Black light, while moon hidden Eat up their joy Sinless until moonlit Night’s police force of shame Sending the delicacies running 50.

EXT. FOUNTAINBERG FIELDS (PARK) - SCHILLER HOUSE/YARD - NIGHT They walk out of the tall grass and brush into a small clearing with a run down, moderately sized, two story house in the center (Schiller House). And directly in front of them are three deer, having three way sex, humping each other in a row! The clouds move past the moon and it shines brightly again on one deer humping another humping another. GARTER finishes reciting the line above, “Sending the delicacies running”, as they see the deer. Who continue humping for a brief moment, then scatter off. CELIA eyes the deer in wonder, GARTER is gob-struck, and ZELDA bursts into uncontrollable laughter. ZELDA Ah-hahahaha! Ah-hahahaha! CELIA Love is in the air. CELIA starts leading them towards the house. GARTER Where are we? They come to the porch, the wood of the building is half rotten, it looks like no one has been inside for years. CELIA steps onto the porch and opens the door of the dark house. CELIA C’mon, trust a gal. GARTER shrugs and steps in, the phone in his hand lighting their way. ZELDA follows. CELIA checks out both their asses as they pass her, and then follows them into the dark house.

INT. SCHILLER HOUSE - NIGHT CELIA’s phone, held by GARTER, lights the room, along with moonlight sneaking in the dirty windows. The place looks like an abandoned home that has been used by teenagers to party in for years. Graffiti, occasional beer bottles, with vintage furniture, tattered cheap paintings, etc. lying about. A raccoon scurries off when they enter and ZELDA jumps in a burst of fear and throws her arms around CELIA. GARTER looks at ZELDA when this happens, her eyes go embarrassingly wide, and she then throws her arms around GARTER. Long awkward silence. CELIA Finish the poem, Garts. 51.

GARTER (reciting from the phone) All but the brave and shameless Courageous and honorable for their ugly loves... CELIA takes the phone from GARTER, plays a video on it, and uses her phone to project the video against the wall, as if the wall is a movie screen, lighting up the room. In the video, we see a very large woman’s ass, and a very fit man’s torso up behind it, in what looks to be the man inserting his penis into the woman. GARTER winces at the sight of the video and ZELDA’s eyes go wide. GARTER (CONT'D) Jesus. CELIA turns up the volume and a ragged man’s voice booms... MAN’S VOICE (on video) Oh Captain...my Captain... Then a roaring woman’s voice... WOMAN’S VOICE (on video) Oh my fucking captain! The man’s torso begins fucking the woman from behind in the video, the woman’s giant ass quivering. Then into the video flings CELIA’s face, she is the woman getting banged in the video. ZELDA chuckles when she sees this, looks at CELIA and smirks a little. GARTER cringes for a moment, then looks at ZELDA and CELIA who are smiling a little, and he relaxes and chuckles himself a bit. ZELDA stares at the video and her expression begins to change slowly from a light smile to horrified. She squints her eyes for a moment, then gasps. CELIA (to Zelda) Sorry darlin’. Suddenly in the video, the face of the man banging CELIA comes into view...it’s GARTER! GARTER (on video) It keeps, slipping, out...you’re so goddamn wet... ZELDA, teary eyed, is now staring up at GARTER in real life, while he is frozen in shock watching the video of himself having sex with CELIA. 52.

GARTER (CONT'D) No...no way. CELIA comes up to GARTER and pecks him lightly on the cheek, then looks at ZELDA. CELIA Four hours straight, July 3rd, 2020. We see the time stamp on the video. ZELDA explodes and begins slapping and clawing GARTER madly! He puts his arms up to shield himself and after a bit of taking it, grabs ZELDA’s wrists to stop her. CELIA (CONT'D) (to Garter) You saw me reading Keats, and came- a-reciting, booze drank, Ketamine doused, and little Garter blacked out. And after we fucked our brains out. GARTER I was blackout drunk. ZELDA (German, subtitles) You fucking piece of fucking shit fucking...! CELIA turns off the video. Then out of her purse, pulls out an item the size of a mango, covered in a white handkerchief. CELIA Our child. CELIA whips off the handkerchief and reveals a small jar with a tiny bean sized fetus floating in embalming fluid in it. ZELDA instantly recognizes it’s a tiny fetus, and vomits all over the ground, then stumbles out of the house. GARTER stays frozen staring at CELIA. She walks slowly toward him, he stays frozen, and she comes up, her face close to his mouth, holding the jar... CELIA (CONT'D) It’s okay, people do things. GARTER starts to shake. CELIA (CONT'D) I named him Schiller, after your great great many great grandfather. 53.

CELIA kisses GARTER lightly on the lips and he pushes her away, the jar almost falls! CELIA drops her body a bit and catches it (close call!) and looks up at him. GARTER I’m...I’m sorry. CELIA I came here to bury him at his family’s home, your grandfather’s... GARTER Sch...Sch...Schiller, the poet? CELIA You are a great poet. GARTER starts to cry. GARTER I’m shit, I’m shit... CELIA Shhhhh. CELIA presses her fingers to his lips. CELIA (CONT'D) Aaaahh, it’s all subjective. But you’re descended from a great poet, did ya know it? GARTER Huh? CELIA I tested our child’s DNA... CELIA pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to him. CELIA (CONT'D) Buggers ours, and, I Ancestry’d it, you’re related to Friedrich Schiller. GARTER Jesus. CELIA This was his home here. Why you had family here. 54.

GARTER is shaking. CELIA comes close to his face as he shakes, and she plays the video again. This time the video plays just on her phone. CELIA holds it between them, the light of the phone lighting her face up like someone telling a ghost story, while also lighting up the tiny bean sized fetus in the jar she is holding. CELIA (CONT'D) Let us commemorate this beauty here,... GARTER stumbles backwards, staring at her in terror. CELIA (CONT'D) ...bury him together where he belongs. GARTER freezes, then in a panic stumbles out of the house. The song O Sole Mio begins to play, and continues through the end of the episode.

EXT. FOUNTAINBERG FIELDS (PARK) - SCHILLER HOUSE/YARD - NIGHT GARTER is running at full speed in a panic. CELIA, crying, walks slowly out of the house watching him go. CELIA I will be here tomorrow night, should you wish to join me, Garter. He looks back once, with a ragged terrified look, and keeps running. She blows him a kiss. He disappears into the clearing and when he’s past and out of ear shot... CELIA (CONT'D) (low) I love you.

EXT. FOUNTAINBERG FIELDS (PARK)- NIGHT GARTER is in a panic running like a madman through the tall grass, panting heavily, as he looks up at the full moon, as O Sole Mio plays. End of episode.