Bare ^acts loth May '96 University of Surrey Students' Newspaper issue 878 New Repräsentative For In This Issue Students mally nin from the beginning of Liaison Officer's main task is to the Spring Semester to the end provide vita! feedback from UESDAY NIGHT of the following Autumn Se- non-campus students to ali posts T mester. So if any student is in- within the Students' Union. WILL BE A terested in standing for the This will ensure adequate repre- NIGHT of change position see Sharon Baker, Un- sentation within the Union of for the Union as two new ion President, or Alan Roy, Ents those unable to get in touch with posts are voted on to Officer. sabbaticals directly, or attend j^olutionise the place as The European Institute of GM's on Tuesday lunchtimes Health and Medicai Sciences due to transport problems, flR know it. was formed from several nurs- heavy lecture schedules and ab- ^^e posts are an Entertainments ing Colleges scattered over a normal term dates. As Sharon Chaiiperson and a Liaison sab- large area. Consequently there Baker, Union President, ex- Bird Squatters batici (a new post ahsen from are transport difficulties associ- plained 'The position will serve the introduction of EIHMS stu- ated with providing Union serv- ali students - especially those Page 2 dents into the main University). ices to these students. Until such based on sites other than on Stag The Entertainments Chairper- time as an academic building on Hill. It will also enhance the son is a post which, together site is allocated for EIHMS Professional Year Post." with the Union Club Entertain- teaching, the University has ments Manager, will organise agreed to help fund a sabbatical Sophie Rocks the entertainments for the Union post, "a Liaison Officer". The Formerly known as the after the demise of the Entertain- BFSecretary ments sabbatical. The position is for a StudenBt Fand woulSecretard nor- y v'iimimm wmmm > « «« Leaves!! ^^A Stunned silence tried lo come to terms with their descended over the incredible loss. 2. JLBare Facts staff as Emergency staff were quickly Birdcage the shocking news filtered on hand to administer first aid reviewed and transport the traumatised to into their conscious a hospit^ bar for treatment. Page8 minds.... Sophie is leaving!! The ceremony to mark her de- parture will be held at the end of Yes, they knew that it must one term, when al! the surviving BF day come to an end, but to have bods will gather for a moments this final irrefutable proof silence before performing the shoved in their faces at that fate- sacred Bare Facts leaving rìtual. ful Tuesday lunchtime GM was too much for many of them to Soppy Frocks cope with. Tears rolied down their cheeks as they desperately
Union AGM 7pm fNbmtnationsfor ^ -ÄWiÄ« ö/v River Sports Day • Tuesday The return of the HONOURARY MEMSERSHtP l^th May floating banana are cCosing on CMonday Page 11 Cor\-t&cX' Sharon ßaker. Uni Fre&\den-t, wit-h your norninal;ion^ 13a Editorial Rob's Amazing Technicolour EditoriaL UUUUCHHH into some food, than it would certain brand of apple pie is while you're eating. That's if H! SAT HERE be to carefully prepare a dish reputed to be able to stay hot it hasn't solidified on cooling of succulent baked beans, for up to 24hours... Why else Oburning my delicately placed on a per- print "warning - the contents Take my advice, arm yourself mouth on another fectly browned piece of toast, may be hot" in 4 different lan- with a good hardback cook- delicious and Wished off with a dash of guages! A hot apple pie can book and barricade yourself in your kitchen. And remem- pre-cooked/reheated parsley (presentation is travel many miles especially everything to today's modem during the migration seasons, ber - don't be aft^aid to use the meal I quietly curse the gourmet chef). But seriously, and with the opening of the book if any processed food makers of this particular if you are not endowed with a channel tunnel its horizons tries to take advantage of you. brand of convenience microwave (and who is) it have been greatly broadened. Rob Dorey food and wonder what will take you Just as long to Communications Officer cook your frozen block of What these thermalbombs drives a sane(ish) man to have in heat they most cer- [email protected] stuff as it will to make a half PS. Sorry. Just thought I actually consider way decent meal - and the tainly do not make up for in touching the food size putting a stop to that age would share another gem of a chances are it will taste better joke with the world. without one of those and not attempt to bum your old saying "Size doesn't mat- mouth off. ter". A fully grown packagus Perfect man, perfect woman j shiny firesuits used to put foodus will barely f^ the av- out oil fires or walk into and Father Christmas are in al No, pre-processed, ready-to- erage person with a mild at- lift when they spy a £50 note the exhausts of rockets eat food has an amazing abil- tack of munchies. How these on the floor. picks it during takeoff. ity to retain heat (probably things can be used to survive up????? The simple answer would be something to do with the on is a complete mystery to time - or the lack of it. We all lOhour cooking time usually me. Perfect woman, because the assume that it will be quicker associated with this type of other two don'texist. (Thanks just to throw a block of frozen food). In fact the most effec- Too hot to handle in the first Mum for that one.) stuff into the oven and wait tive heat storage system is place, and when they finally until it mystically transforms closely related to this food. A cool down you find there isn't even enough to play with Out On A Wing squatter was ing the box full of twigs and Bare^^ Facts evicted from the grass removed them without realising the disturbance it University of Surrey Students' Newspaper Aplace he had would cause. However, the grown to think of as starling didn't appreciate this Union House, University of Surrey, home, not due to damage interruption to its cosy life- Guildford, Surrey. GU2 5XH to the dwelling - but to style and retaliated by taking the inconvenience over the delivery duties of the Phone: (01483) 259275 postman, and scattered letters caused to the Royal Mail. Fax: (01483) 34749 all over the area. The post box has now been boarded up. Advertising: (01483) 259275 The squatter, a starling, made Email: [email protected] his home in a postbox on the http ://w w w. su r rey. ac. u k/U n i on/bf/ Isle of Man. A postman find-
Editor • Rob Dor^ Music Editor • Steeve French Dolphins Conlributors: Sophie Rocks, Bagjus and Emily, jeff Blackham, Richard Bell, Catherine Bickley, Ben Pugh, Under a rainbow the dolphins play Campusport, Russ Clark, Lee Hopkins, The Sabs, and many more.... Weaving and singing they show the way Innocent, trusting, so childlike - strong! Beauty shall woo us through all the wrong. Smooth-skinned, mischievous, dolphins go Deeper and swifter that many know
8« Faca U an MifMndM cimnpap«, pubJtsSed bv th« Uflivniiy d Sucrcy Seidmo Union Brushing the coral in search of pearls Comnwilabeni ÓBc*. Theyteoi ii»iiuiJwW Part Two. A female friend of kill you. More often than not The results of what the boffins mine was discussing the prob- they cause absolutely no prob- over the decades have been two-parter this week. lems of contraception with me lems whatsoever. But the studying are that the combined Part One. During the last the other day and, of course, myth makers would have you Pill protects you against the week I had the 'luck' to be the alleged dangers of the Pill believe that the Pill is almost complications of childbirth, harangued by an arse-clench- came up. deadly. Bollocks. Compare the complications of abortion, ingly pro-feminist male. He the Pill with aspirin, which against cancer of the ovary and was banging on about pornog- The Pill, it seems, is over 30 causes major intestinal bleeds cancer of the utems. At rates raphy and how it degrades years old and is used by more on a fairly regular basis. This that more than compensate for women. Any argument that I than 200 million women will never be regarded as wor- the risk of dying from throm- tried to present to him to world-wide. As a result, it is thy of reporting in the news boembolism. Further, one of counter this was emotionally one of the most studied of all because aspirin-taking has the reasons the new Pill was decried as patriarchal and medications. Leaving aside nothing to do with SEX (ex- introduced was to provide less domineering; aka un-PC. untenable feminist argument cept as a possible excuse for risk of dying from heart attack Hopefully he will read this and about the misogynist patriar- avoiding it). So the facts don't or stroke. A recent BMJ edito- therefore have to stay quiet for chy of the Pill and its history, get out to the great British rial points out that these are more than 10 seconds. Old the Pill is a medical triumph. public and no-one is any the bigger killers of women than bean, try reading 'Defending Unlike nearly any other medi- wiser. Compared with aspirin, thrombo. The 1989 Mortality Pornography: Free Speech, cine you care to name, the Pill the Pill is highly unlikely to stats for females aged 15-44 in Sex and the Fight for is highly unlikely to kill you kill you. England and Wales show 260 Women's Rights' by Nadine (don't get me started on alter- dying from heart attack or Strosser. native medicines Facts and fig- stroke against 18 through — my one dedi- ures time. Ac- thrombo. President of the American cated reader will cording to my Civil Liberties Union, an ar- remember, "...why friend Jane, It's early days in terms of re- ticulate advocate of both femi- vaguely, the CQ amongst search findings and analysis, nism and free speech, she on the bollocks does healthy women but the possibility exists that eloquently argues in this book that surrounds of child-bear- the new Pill — widely scare- that to view sexuality and this field). TT.e Edward ing age 5 in mongered by the Press after sexually oriented expression 100,000 will yet another Conservative as inherently dangerous does ITJsVei; Woodward show obvious Government hastily-drawn profound damage to human to die is because signs of venous and ill-advised press an- rights in general and women's nearly all the have four thromboembo nouncement — is safer than rights in particular. Women other medicines lism in any the old sort, because of the re- don't have to pick between set out to create D's in his year. Put them duction offered in death from sexuality and dignity, between an unnatural me- II on one of the heart attack outweighs the in- safety and the freedom to tabolic climate name? established creased risk (from 2 to 4 per think, act, speak, photograph, in your body. 'combined ' million) of dying from throm- fílm and fantasise as a woman The Pill, on the other hand, Pills and it rises to 15 in boembolism. According to would wish. The prevailing imitates a natural state — 1(X),000. Some evidence has Prof. John Guillebaud, who is culture's view on sex, and the pregnancy. Our primitive an- the newer Pills pushing the far wiser than most on this, censorship of pornography, is cestors (at least the female risk up to 30 in 100,000 (but those with a higher risk of part of a larger censoriousness ones, anyway) were used to such evidence is new, there's heart disease (e.g. smokers) based on a deep distrust of sex being pregnant and/or breast- little of it and no reason yet to might be better served by the itself. Only by the cessation of feeding during their reproduc- believe that it is a true reflec- newer Pill, whilst those with a censorship do people become tive years. As a result, they had tion). And it is here that the higher risk of thrombo (e.g. free. And allowing women the high levels of oestrogen and myth makers make you think the overweight) are better right to sexual expression is a progesterone hormones rat- that 5, 15 or 30 women in served by the older Pill. Con- fundamental part of it. tling around their system, 100,000 will die. Bollocks. sumer choice. which is what the 'combined' Apparently about 1.5 per cent Pornography becomes a Pill effectively mimics. of sufferers actually die from So next time someone is mic- means of self expression, self it. So we are suddenly talking turating in your ear about how discovery, not a tool for en- But the poor old Pill comes in about mortality rates of per the Pill is bad for you, ask slaving women. According to for some major stick from the million forno Pill, versus 2 per them where they got their info friends of mine who watch urban myth makers. Whilst million for an established from. And ask them 'com- such videos, male-created the hormonal state mentioned combined, versus 4 per mil- pared to what?' pom is dull, whereas women- above does have some risks — lion for a 'newie'. According created pom is full of insist, blood clot formation in the to John Collee, this compares Oh, and why does Edward storyline and sensuality. Giv- legs that sometimes fly off and somewhat favourably with Woodward have four Ds in his ing you a bigger orgasm for lodge in the lungs (venous your annual chance of being name? Because he'd feel re- your buck. And allowing thromboembolism for those killed in a car accident, which ally silly being known as Ewar women the right to sexual ex- who live for such details) — ranges from 80 to 160 per mil- Woowoo. lion, depending on whether pression is a ñandamental part the risks are extremely mini- Hopkins of it. mal. Even if these clots do fly you wear a seat belt or not. 00 and lodge in the lungs, it is exceedingly rare for them to 13c Union Andrea^s Campaign Affairs Charlotte GOING ON PLACEMENT? OU MAY HAVE and in good health, then you S E E N are eligible to join the regis- Don't forget that you can still ter. REALLY get a STUDENT LOAN, YCHARLOTTE IHAVEN'T GOT Remember, it's not just Char- whether your placement is on the evening news. She very much for this PAID OR UNPAID. is a five year old girl who lotte: in the UK alone there week - for a change! It's are 3,000 people waiting for a And fïnally, if anyone would has been suffering from matching donor. Even if been hectic so far this like to sponsor me for a slee- semester, but for those of leukaemia since she was you're not the person to pout up at the cathedra! this eighteen months old. She miatch Charlotte you could be you stili doing exams - I Friday - you know where I the person who can save a life. hope they are going well. am! has had two years of Don't forget the Counselling chemotherapy, which Andrea Morley What*s Involved Service is there if you are hav- cures most patients: Student Affairs Offìcer Joining the register is easy: ing a hard time, just one ap- (Welfare & Education) unfortunately, not it's just a small blood sample pointment for a chat might Tel: 259228 (Ext9228) Charlotte. She relapsed that's needed, so hopefully help you get through. in 1994. Now, her best there won't be queues as long On a practical note... hope of a cure is a bone as those for giving blood. In marrow transplant; the rare event that you do match a patient, there'll be without one, her chances further blood tests and if of survival are less than you're the best match, you'll 20%. go under general anaesthetic In loving memory of to have some bone marrow How You Can Help taken from your hip - it's a Jeetendra Beeharry minor procedure, well worth Charlotte has a very rare bone doing to save someone's life. 5th October 1973 - 30th AprU 1996 marrow type, and no donor has been found on the UK Hopefully the Campaign Jeetendra Beeharry register or even on Overseas Charlotte people will be able registers. "Campaign Char- to visit campus this term: if As a rushing river lotte" has been set up to en- not, then we' II sort something He entered into our lives. courage more and more out with the campus health Remembering his enthusiasm, people to join the register, to service. Keep an eye on Bare We are sprayed by his waves. increase Charlotte's chances. Facts for more détails. Magic emits that smile, If you're between 18 and 43 Such warmth in his eyes. Remembering that charm, Still wondering why? 17th May is... His abundance of love, How genuinely he cared. Remembering his affection, And the time we shared. A fun-loving guy, An endless amount to say Remembering those hours, Knowing there are thoughts yet to say. An original character, A lasting impression left on ail. Remembering that charisma And somehow expecting more. Far from our sight, Etemally in our hearts. If yod lum iuuf û&ai oto witdt^coiiU Remembering every event Hoping the moment would last. Time is the enemy, he^ dm to' cidshnM Uu Capturing the one we long. Remembering his strength, Um M uiouU ioi/s^ ty IuBjbk fitoM yoa. Trying to be strong. The river is still flowing, Far beyond the horizon. Remembering his presence, Never to be forgotten To let your ideas take shape Manorika Ahuja contact Andrea Morley, on; ext 9228 or 01483 259228 Features 13d Ali the Fun of Tel: 01483 440414 24 Madrid Road the Fair Guìldford he Summer intense. Perhaps as many as Surrey Recruitment Fair 100 employers will have set up fien4iUt o^ exeeUmce GU2 5NU season will soon stands, rather like the Careers Fair held here last September, Tbehere. Employers of ali and will be on the look-out for shapes and sizes will be suitable applicants. It's im- trying to fili their portant to go armed with cop- remaining vacancies by ies of your CV and a partly attending one of the 12 completed Standard Applica- fairs being organised tion Form. You can complete around the country. We the latter on the day if you can have the dates for ali of find a quiet corner somewhere these in the Careers and then leave it with appro- priate employers. It'salsoim- Office, but you might portant to dress for the Fair as like to note that by far the if you were going for an inter- biggest will be the view. Everyone else will! London Graduate Recruitment Fair which Even if you don't come out of will be held at the the fair with the promise of a Business Design Centre, job interview, you can still use Islington on 3 - 4 July. it to your advantage in other STUDENTS ways. You could at least pick If you are thinking of going to up some useful information 25% OFF one of the fairs, I guess the from the employers repre- cruciai question you will want sented and could even obtain ALL NORMAL PRICES answered is "Will I be inter- particular recruiters' names in ested in any of the jobs on case you want to write to them offer?" A little nearer the time at some future date. TUESDAYS TO FRIDAYS INCLUSIVE you will be able to obtain more Altogether, if you go to one of detailed Information about the fairs, well prepared, and what is available. However, with an open mind, it's worth it's worth pointing out that it. Graduates get their jobs in there are not likely to be many lots of different ways these Good Luck for your exam jobs in areas such as personnel days and this could be the or marketing. Employers method that works for you. results from don't need to go to fairs io fili Russ Clark The University of Surrey Society these vacancies. They are Careers Service much more likely to be there PS By the way, if you still because they have had diffi- have any graduate brochures, culty in fìlling more specialist information booklets or or less populär positions. Graduate Recruitment Direc- tories (e.g. PROS- If you do decìde to go, it's not PECTS/GO/GET) we'd be a place for the faint-hearted. pleased to have them back to There will be thousands of use in the vacation. other graduates there so the sense of competition will be • The Society of Surrey Graduates • 2 Annual Publications • Reunions and Lectures • Social Networking Events • Reduced rate AA membership Rover Returns Sports Days with staff and students • Surrey gifts, scarves, T-shirts etc issy the dog had the vet had no effect. After an a lucky escape exploratory operation the cause of the problem was I would Uke to take np fall membership of The Universi^ of Soirey Society at a 'once-and-for-all' lifetìme cost of £10.00 after having a clear. Amazingly there was no K (I enclose cash / cheque for £10.00 - made payable to: TTie University of Surrey) 12-inch bread knife serious damage done and removed from her throat. Kissy is recovering well. It Name (please prim) Dept just goes to prove that it isn't It became clear that ali was not just the side of the ftidge that Permanent Address (for maiiings) well with the 18 month old swallows ali those things that go missing in the kitchen. ncMC retam, wllta paymcnl (o: Ahunni Offìcer, MarkeUag ft Pinnm gny^ti^nfa, Senate House, boxer when she started vomit- UBivertiljr flf Sorrey ing, and the pills prescrìbed by 13e Music ALBUM REVIEWS ALBUM or THE Latest single 'Goldfinger' son, for instance 'A Dozen tracks. The opener 'Lie De- and ftitiu"e surefire hit 'Oh Wicked Words' sounds like a tector' being one and 'Statu- WEIÜK Yeah' are the albums high- beefed up Verve, whilst esque' being the other. lights. Of course the hits are 'Elvis' echoes the sarcasm 5PARKLEH0R5E there to, 'Girl From Mars', and spite of Miles Hunt. The rest of the album is poor combination of speedy pop "Vivadíxiesubmarinetra 'Angel Interceptor' and 'Kung Fu' ali sound just as The past singles 'Far', 'Jesus ditties and sensitive slow nsinissionpiot good as ever but we ali know Christ' and the wonderfìil songs. Of which none are par- (Parlophone/AII them by now. The only time 'On and On' are also included ticularly memorable or imagi- '1977' goes over Ash' s ma- here but they are ali eclipsed native. (4) Formats) ture little heads is on the poin- by the album closer 'Over Our Bodies'. 'The Sun Is tlessly grunged up Td Give EVERYTHING 3UT The last time that Sparkle- AnyÁing'. Apart from that Often Out' is one of the more horse played in this country, slip '1977' isa fine debut that pleasing surprises of the last THE GIRL few months.(7) their lead singer the wonder- will guarantee more crazy an- Walking Wounded ful Mark Linkous almost died tics from those wacky Ash and he required emergency boys. (8) (Virgin/AII Formats) Operations to save one of his 5LEEPER legs. Ulis type of luck is what The It Girl If ever two people owed Sparklehorse's spatially chal- L0NGPIG5 (Indolent/All somebody a drink, then this lenged debut is ali about surely is the case. Thanks to The Sun Often Out Formats) American dance guru Todd 'Vivadixie..' perfectly links (Mother/AII Terry, the careers of EBTG bad luck with songs that gig- Formate) Last year's smooth sounding have been resurrected. The gle at you from inside Link- that dancefloor and chart monster ous' tormented soul. This that was 'Missing' set the album decides that whilst life scene for EBTG to make an is actually a bit shit we should album that is new and innova- ultimately enjoy it while we tive. However, in places this can. With this Sparklehorse's album is scratchy and well be- songs such as 'Rainmaker' low par. are about depressing things but they are handled with en- Opening track 'Before To- thusiasm and humour. Songs. day' is albums finest mo- like 'Hammering The ment a sparkling dip into the Cramps' and the marvellous murky waters of drum and 'Someday I Will Treat You bass which makes Tracy's Good' are the finest examples voice sound as divine as it did of this. Putting the good with when she sung with Massive the bad and having a laugh. Attack. This is the only time 'Vivadixie..' is another rea- when they actually sound like son why life must never be they can cut iL The rest of the perfect because albums like album's standout tracks are this wouldn't exist if it was. collaborations orremixes that Absolutelybloodyessential. EBTG have nothing to do (9.999) with. Such as the excellent Howie B track 'Flipside' whilst current single 'Walk- A6H ing Wounded' is only saved from embarrassment by 1977 Spring HeeI Jack. (lnfectiou5/AII Sleeper's next album could Fórmate) 'Walking Wounded'is not the well make make the top fe- album most people will have Of ali the bands that this time male fronted band in the Those Ash boys, they're last year were claiming to be wanted to have been released. country. Howe ver, rather like It is not a breathtaking break- bonkers. Just check out ali the the ftjture of rock and roll, the Newcastle United, Sleeper crazy antics that are going on Longpigs were the ones that through in dance music. have failed to deliver despite Thorn's vocals lift it to a in the sleeves photos. If that's we laughed at the most. Sadly promising early results. not enough then check out the now most people are eating highly emotive level in places really funny sick party at the humble pie, l^cause Shef- What Sleeper were thinking but you stili can't help but end of the C.D., utterly hilari- fíeld's Longpigs have pro- of when the majority of this think that something is miss- ous. pelled themselves into the drastically dull album was re- ing.(S) limelight with a series of bril- corded we'll probably never '1977' the album is itself a liant records. know. The end result is a lot 60FT D0LL5 record that reaches far be- of garbled nonsense and a se- yond their young age. The 'The Sun Is Often Out' is on verely disappointing album. The 5 the whole a tremendous opening guitar screamer that It adds up to basically the two (Indolent/AII is 'Lose Control' is insanely achievement from a band that alright hit singles 'M^at Do I catchy whilst 'Let It Flow' have previously been dis- Do Now?' and the marginally Formats) sounds more like early Super- missed as a poor man's Ra- better 'Sale Of The Century' chunk than the Ash sound we diohead. This album sees the plus one or two other decent The disappointing nature of have grown to adore. band grow past this compari- the last single from Newport's UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS' UNION THE END OF YEAR ACCOUNTS ELECTION OF ENTS CHAIRPERSON CONSTITUTIONAL CHANCE 400 END OF YEAR TICKETS FOR SALE FREE DISCO STRAIGHT AFTER LJ Ml VERSITY <3F SLJRREV rvi •c:>r^ WEEK ENDINO FRIDAY MAY 1 7th l'm afraîd you've caught me wîth mora than my hancffi up 3aturcJay Craig Charles Live On Earth SuncJay IVIonday COCKTAILS + Support From upper bar WOB Xuesday Wodnesday UNIVERSITY TTie Union AG M THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN OF SURREY featuring Venue: Your Dedroom STUDENTS' The End of Year Accounts Doore: Whenever You Like UNION Elections Ente: Your favouhte CD 400 Draw Disco Tickets Or: Corne to the Union for A G IVX Free Disco Straight After eome cheap Ked Stripe Thiursclay LSSL Ents + LGB Soc Présents "The Queer Bash " Helyn Rose Bar 8-2 £2 May 23rd The End 0£ Year Disco Feat THE BUCKETHEADS and WONDERBRASS Music 13f 60ft Dolls, meant that their de- are delivered in devastating (Cápitol/AII originally. style. The songs reel off per- but longplayer wasn't as 'Shot' is not an easy album to eagerly expected as it should fectly so that past single 'Pig Formate) Valentine' and the trashcan listen to. Firstly because it is a have been. However, the al- complete racket. The guitars bum is no great disappoint- punk of 'Terminal Crash Fear' For years, David Yow the can bring the album to a blis- menacing lead singer of cult continously rattle and Yow ment. It is sparkling effort that screams more often that he sees the Dolls rush through a tering climax. American hardcore band The Jesus Lizard spoke about the sings. Tracks like 'Churl' and collection of songs at break- 'More Beautìfiil Than Barbie' neck speed. 'The Big 3' features so much importance of the American raw passion and honesty that it independent underground show the depth of the bands Forgetting 'Talk To Me' and is hard to see, on this evidence scene. The Jesus Lizard were abili ty. patchy opener 'New Loafer', anyway, the Dolls not being always a vital part of that huge by the end of summer.(8) 'Shot' is not an album that will 'The Big 3' really gets going scene. Now ten years or so on, make you instant fans of the once the infectious opening The Jesus Lizard turn up on a band. You will need to have chords of 'Stay' kick in. After THEJE5U5LIZARP major label, producing exactiy experienced the band before to this there is no looking backas the same seething punk rock appreciate 'Shot' in full. (6) tracks such as 'Happy Shop- 6hot that impressed so many people per' and 'No.l Pure Alcohol' SINGLES REVIEWS bum 'Do You Like My Tight SimìUl OF JEÌl Sweater?'. Coming packed miìiu with plenty of delicious re- mixes this record has some- &LACK GKAFE thing fro everyone. The Fat Neck originai version has a chunky keyboard that stabs away [KaàHoacXÀvelXòXh whilst the crazy babbling vo- May) cals of Roisin take hold of the song. One of the more disappointing Pick of the other mixes in- things about Tribal Gathering clude the 'Mr Scruff Vocal being cancelled is the fact that Mix' which sees the song so many people will probably jazzed up and a hip hop feeling miss the chance to see Black added to it. Also worth check- Gr^e. They are the sort of ing out is the mad jungle ver- band who have that knack of sion that Comes courtesy of bringing crowds together just Mole Man. Excellent. (8) around that time when the world seems to be losing it J0CA5TA EVERCLEAR Tribal Gathering would have ORANGE CELUXE Chance Me Heartspark been the perfect place for them (V4/2ath May) to prove it. Jupiter's Eye Dollarsi^n (Dead Dead (Capitol/20th May) On quickly to the band who 'Fat Neck' is a possibly the (5ood/15th May) finest moment of Black have the honour of being the Yet another American punk Grape' short career. It sees last ever free band to play here pop band that are trying to Shaun Ryder unique vocals The last time I encountered a this year. Yes, because the record by Orange Deluxe it barge their way into our kids build the song up and Kermit's magnificent Jocasta play here hearts. 'Heartspark Dollar- mad rapping pushes to the was their fantastic 'Love 45' on May 19th, and you'd be record, a punchy pop blast that sign' is a song that deals with limit. ifthat's notenough then well advised to make sure bi-racial relationships and the the B -Side sees their famous was one of the records of last you're around to see them. Jo- year, well nearly anyway. 'Ju- stress that develops in them. performance of 'Pretty Va- casta, along with Jubilee, are Everclear's sound is a melodie cant' from TFI Friday get a piter's Eye' is on a similar one of the best two young level but is just that little bit brand of power pop that is release. (9) bands that currently exist in closer to pop than punk. The more infectious. It swirls this fme land of ours. away in splendid fashion and way in which the band have MOLOKO a mammoth collection of post- 'Change Me' is hot on the de^t with a serious topic and baggy guitars and sprawling heels of their last single 'Go'. managed to carve out a half Fun For Me (The vocals that is actually very It is a progression into im- decent tune at the same time is impressive. Mixee) good indeed. It's just a shame mensely fuelled guitar pop (Echo/13th May) that no one will buy this be- that has a slightly seedy side to It appears that at last there is a cause the band aren't that it and is ali about the troubles trendy, but if you're feeling light at the end of the tunnel One of the few records that and strife of living in Soho. that has previously been daring you could do a lot The record is also worth actually deserve a second worse. (7) blocked up with crap alterna- hearing. 'Fun For Me' has checking out because it fea- tive American bands trying to been re-released because of tures possibly the only song compete with The Presidents the public demand that cur- ever to be named after a chap- and Green Day. (6) rently exists for it and their ter in an Enid Blyton book. (7) wonderfully titled debut al- The Mighty Gills I3g Film and Cinema The Birdcage 119 mìns Cert. 15 movie, "The Birdcage", Williams plays Armand Based on the French farce "La has grossed over $100 Goldman, owner of a South Cage Aux Folles" this movie Stars: Robin Beach's premier drag club. has more twists and tums than million in the USA, The Birdcage. Armand lives the Monaco Grand Prix cir- Williams, Nathan becoming something like above the club with his part- cuit. Lane (who provided the Lane, Gene the seventh movie in his ner Albert, the star of the club. voice of Timon the meercat in Together Albert and Armand "The Lion King") camps it up Hackman, D\anne career to reach that mark. This puts Williams up have brought up Val, Ar- a storm as the dr^ queen Al- Wiest. mand's son from his one short bert whilst Williams gives an there with Tom Cruise, fling with a woman. Now unusually restrained perform- Demi Moore et al as one Val is getting married to the ance as the ever worrying Ar- Director: Mike of Hollywood's hottest daughter of right wing, ultra- mand. Nichols. stars. conservative politician Sena- tor Kevin Keeley (Hackman) "The Birdcage" drops a cou- "This is ali fine and dandy, ple points for a radier slow but is "The Birdcage" any and the future in laws are Coming to visit. Chaos en- start and a slightly over long AST WEEK, good?" we here you cry. running time. Tlie plusses, Well, yes it is. For those not sues as Armand and Albert L pretend to be husband and however, are numerous but T E R R Y in the know, here's a brief 'wife* for the benefit of Val. we'll say no more and let you GILLIAM WAS synopsis. discover them for yourselves. not a happy man. This Overall score =8/10 week, Robin Williams is ecstatic because hiOFs new U ODEON Afteraooner Guildford Week commencing Friday SENSE AND Triple BUI lOth Mayfor7days SENSIBILITY (U) Wallace and Gromit, and WHITE SQUALL (12) Fri. & Sat. at 1:05,6:55 CREATURE Fri. & Sat. at 3:45,6:45,9:40. Sun to Thürs 5:55. ^^^ ^ ^ COMFORTS with an Sun to Thürs at 2:15, 5:40, equally malleable cast of Held for one more week 8:30. due to populär demand characters. Ali this for just 250 new pence. COPYCAT (18) DUNSTON If you want to come along Fri. & Sat. at 4:00,9:50 CHECKS IN (PG) then fili out a ticket and post Sun to Thürs at 2:30 (not Sun- Fri. & Sat. at 1:30 it in our box - tickets and the day), 5:50, 8:35 box can be found in the Union JUMANJI (PG) HY NOT pigeonhole room. Remember THE BIRDCAGE (15) TAKE TIME to post your ticket at least an Fri. & Sat. at 1:25 Fri.& Sat. at4:00,9:50 out from hour before the performance, W which is at 3pm (NOT our Sun to Thürs at 2:45, 8:40. Saturday Morning revision this Sunday to picture show relax at the OFU usuai 8pm - so don't be late!). TWELVE So go on, toss those boring MONKEYS (15) Loch Ness (PG)at 11:15 matinee? We're showing retail management/biochem- CLUELESS, a smnning Balto(U)at 11:10 istry notes aside and joing us Fri. & Sat at 3:30,6:30,9:35. Dunston Checks In (PG) at Beverley Hills comedy in LTG. Sun to Thürs at 2:00, 5:30, 11:30 with an equally stunning 8:25. Toy Story (PG)at 11:00 Andy Alicia Silverstone, THE TOY STORY (PG) All seats £2.00 or £2.50 WRONG TROUSERS with plasticine pair Fri. & Sat. at 1:00,3:00,5:00. Sun. at 1:15,3:15. Classìfìeds 13h • Hong, nice legs. Signed • Rajinder you're not actu- • Mitch, avoid hangovers - Personals the entire femaJe popula- ally doing work are you ? stay drunk (I see you al- tion of the university. But • Trainspotting the Firkin ready know this). • Anna - 101 things to do in you knew that already!!! a lift Wey!! • I get it in my mouth and • Dave - don't forget the key • Wishing Nadia Khan in wobble my tongue around • Surely after 4 years study to the toilet next time. nutrition Final years advance, a very Happy it. should know more about • C.LT men - better out than Birthday and many more • Plonky - you will never nutrition than the compo- in happy retums. know!! K sition of sperm. yum, • Young man. What a homy, • To ail my chums in SBS • SBS RULE! DOMS JUST yum. ! ! hot selection of pants you and DOMS, best of luck in DROOL! Isn't that right • Take a break ftom revi- have. the summer exams and be CJ & Shant? sion! "Creature Comforts" • 'Shant you BIG HUNK prepared for the usuai end • R, we've put up with that "The Wrong Trousers" OF LOVE will you marry of semester bash. bloody walkman for long and "Clueless". Sun 3pm me. • To ail my beloved friends, enough - it has to go! or LTG £2.50 (See BF) • Abi and Linda: What ex- thanks for being there for else...!! • Shant year bio chemistry - actly were you doing un- me and seeing through the • And we STILL haven't reports of orgasmic expe- der the table with Simon rough patches. Most ap- found a house! How does rience in BO's and Paul? Looking for the preciated. a tent sound????? • Bertie - get your kit off for Colours' Balls? • Fanner, just a tribute to the • CHARLIE: Good luck the girls • Well l'm here again with a tirkiness spelling a title lovey, don't worry - we'll sunshine smile on my face. page. Hope you don't storm them! (yeah Right!). • Hey VJC, Sam from next think this a load of tirpe or door likes your bra and My friends are close at r m just looking forward to hand and my inhibitions the slightest bit tirvial! the partying after- pantie set! Let's hope the Nice one Tirgger! ! ! sun keeps shining. have disappeared without wards ! ! ! ! ! Love Zo&. a trace. • Caring maid needed to see • Andy B, have you pulled • Well Karen you know that to 6ft baby. If have suit- you have an admirer he is • Thanks a lot for the fag- yet? Only 3 weeks left gots!! able assets, contact Shant mate...!!!! a boy. Kevokian at the Uni Kin- • One last drink before you • Noël I love you eyes, I love dergarden. • More herbalage, more go to bed Linda? How the way you talk, I love the Haagendaz, more fun!!! way you walk but come on • We'll start our winning about another shot of streak soon. Lads, even if • The path of création: Now Northern Comfort to see when you make impres- is a time, before that there sion you don't start getting it means I have to fiddle you through the night? the scores, that's what you was light, before that there your willy out and playing was nothing and before • All Mechies should be ille- with it around the SBS gir- take me along for, isn't it? galised! Team Bird. that there was God. but be- lies. fore them ail, was the • Oi you waterpolo players • Jumper kept for services • Beer, Kebab, Trophy (just Clifíy Stiffy. A constant in take the shades off! Nie & rendered another Friday night an everchanging world Nie. then)!!!!!! • Frozen faggots are a tad • Take a break from revi- • Hong the présentation was chilly you know, • Little Miss Tidy.. not, taim sion! "Creature Comforts" cool. What bloody good Laurence!! i ngra leat!! Always! "The Wrong Trousers" chap you are. Mines a pint Chappie xxx • I love the person who re- and "Clueless". Sun 3pm of Fosters. • The person who should be LTG £2.50 (See BF) • Billy, Cliffy, Stooey, plied to ms5 Imf I love you K super on Friday be super in • Colin, Neil, Dave, Dan and Tommy and Darlin' your exams! Love the Fri- Daryl! We've asked you • Write to this E-Mail for a Jake. Hello and greetings day night Chancellors from Sweden once... be the new Take one night stand ! ! ms51 mf Crew XXX That or we strip you after ( Big willy apparently ). • Pravin- unlucky matey! • cs31ns - hope the exams the cup final! Soccer Gir- • N, there are other fish in Good luck in your exams lies XXX are going alright. Will see the sea without such a big you ail on Wednesday!! • Michelle and Anne, fancy bite!! Love ya honey xx • Hello Gemma Lear!! another.. Ooh that'11 be • The Ego hereby gives no- SURPRISE! I miss you. • Is that an exhaust on your Love Kate. niceü tice that it has gone on Shoulder or are you just • Richard when you where holiday for a few weeks. pleased to see me? • Good luck on your indus- bom did you have a walk- Normal service shall be re- trial placements Love sumed at a later stage. • So when are you going to KATE (Walker) man connected to your pull then Hong? ears or is it just an opéra- Thank you. • SARAH, so who was that tion that put it there. • Sarah, good luck with K. • It wasn't theft, it was an bloke you were 'talking' to existential art statement ! • Forensic and Fonfara: Are You deserve it. on the coach home ? you still playing Doctor's • I love you lots xxx • Gary, stick to the football • To anyone else I know and Nurse's? it must be kit, it looks sexier than the Hello from Kate!!!! • Little Miss Fun, I adore fe- morris dancer outfit NHS 'cause it's certainly • Caroline- thankyou for not private! ! male hydraulic ram! Lots of love, Will E!! • Mark, either you "acci- those lovely nights. Keep dently" fall in the lake for • Oil Can - How's the nettle • Karen, fancy a hug??? them coming. Shant rash? me (no charge) - or else Only if you come home your car gets it! (and Fm • So who is this bird you're • Sister Superior - Tve man- cos l'm not going up there sure R would be happy to- going out with Noel??? aged to keep my vow of again!!! see to that!) • Mark Folkard seeks love- chastity (Until next week- • MONICA (moira) how is • Rob-yousod! life. Contact 4751. end anyway) - Nie your marinated chicken ? 13i Classìfìeds bers must attend. New mem- Notices bers welcome of course. Aikido AGM Monday 29 Gliding - lìie gliding season Crossword May 15:30 atTB23. has started. there will be Ay- ing every weekend and The Contìnuing Education throughout the summer. Centre is looking for stu- Probably the cheapest and No. 28 dents to work during the best opportunities for you to Sunomer Vacation and also in leam to fly. the evenings and at weekends 1 2\ TI ^ Il I |6 Ì7 from next September. More Ladies Hockey Club EGM. details and application forms Tue 14th May Grant Mitchell from the Continuing Educa- Rooms 7pm Z1Z1Z|Z|Z1Z1I tion Centre, 2nd Floor, Sen- 9 ate House. Closing date lOth Fencing Club AGM Fri lOth May 1996. May Week 13, LTB 6pm. Civil Engineering AGM =l=l=IZlllH= Degree Conferment Cere- Monday 20th May 5AA19 monìes - 13 and 14 June Ipm 1996. Will any student wish- ing to partìcipate in the De- For Sale: High quality am- gree Ceremonies and who has plifier. Pioneer A300 £60. not yet retumed the reply to Contact Paul (ee41pw) or the Registry, please do so as 0956 99218 soon as possible. Badminton Club AGM Parachute Club AGM, 21st Tuesday Week 14 7.30 pm in May, LTF 6pm, Ali membere Chancellors to attend, especially impor- Drama AGM, 7:30 TB 11 tant for those first time jump- Iiil=|=i=iZiZ May 22nd 22 23 ers who jumped last semester. G&S Soc AGM Week 15 Union Annual General Mon 20th May SU Upper Meeting coming to a Stu- zizizlziziziz Bar. Videos will be distrib- 25 dents' Union near you soon. uted (remember your £15) Wing Tchun Kung Fu Club Boxing Club AGM. Cam- AGM Wed 15th May Ipm pusports 6:30pm Wed 22nd Upper Bar (old servery) May B4 training. Contact Across 6.Aloafofbread(3) Archery AGM Friday Week Mario, 4725, if you can't at- I. Squeeze (5) 7. Supple (5) 13 in TB10 at 6pm. Everyone tend 4. Melodious (7) 12. Mist shape (9) must attend PLEASE NOTE: the lockers in the Barclays Room will be 8. As a substitute (7) 14. Accompanies protec- Hiking Club AGM, week tively (7) 14, Tue 14th May at 7.30pm disposed of over the Summer 9. Extent (5) Chancellors vacation. please make sure 16. Farm vehicle (7) that you have removed any- 10. friend (3) Gliding Club AGM Tue thing that may belong to you. II. Sandwich-spread (4-5) 17. Specimen (6) Week 14 in TB 14. Ali mem- 13. Long bike (6) 18. Happen (5) 19. Liquid refuse (5) Faculty Sports Day Finals Day Of The 15. Pressing (6) 22. Priest (3) Don't miss it - it's this Sat- Sarah Tyerman 18. Outer garments (9) urday Ilth May. Trophy 20. Extinct bird (3) Last Weeks Solution Come along and support Do come along to the Var- 21. Lucid (5) Across: 1. repast 4. bright 9. your Department - cheer on sity Centre next Wednesday 23. Forecaster (7) grate 10. Western 11. intemee the teams and then enjoy the 15th May at 6.30 p.m. to 12. fell 14.cane-sugar 18. F.A. Cup Final in the Var- watch the finals of the Open 24. Put into circulation again ramp 20. particle 22. corrode Tennis Tournament. TTie sity Bar before the trophy (7) 23. trade 24. enlist 25. prompt presentations. Bar will be open and Sarah's Trophy will be presented to 25. High-ranking policeman Down: 1. regain 2. plastic 3. We look forward to seeing the winners. (5) sneerìng 5. rase 6. geese 7. you either at the Cam- Down tangle 8.sweepstakes 13. agi- pusport Centre or Varsity tator 15. reclaim 16. creche Centre TOMORROW from 1. A dog (7) 17. defect 19. moral 21. boss 10.00 a.m. 2. Impertinence (9) STOP PRESS *** 3. Moderate glow (5) Crossword complied by 4. Maniac (6) Jeff Blackham TTie CAMPUSPORT SHOP items. So.... no need to inter- 5. Swindler at cards (7) is coming to Stag Hill Court rupt your revision pro- keception on THURSDAY gramme too much - pop down 16TH MAY from 10.00 a.m. and buy something before - 3.00 p.m. We will be selling you leave University. 'University of Surrey' cloth- ing plus some 'mark down' Sports 13j c ampusdance Remember The HAVE YOU SEEN THE DAY 7.15 pm NEW wooden floor and win- CONTEMPORARY with dows (yes, day light!) in the Juliette in the Campusport 'Pugil refurbished Campusport Tap Studio - TUESDAY 6.15 pm Room? CONDITIONING WITH Come and have a look at our Bananas7!!! BALLET with Siobhan in the new second studio space. Campusport Studio Wednesday 22nd May at 2.00 And a reminder to all DOSH WEDNESDAY 6.30 pm p.m. card holders - you get five (5) It's THE WATER GLADI- FREE DANCE CLASSES a TAP with Jenny in the Tap Room - THURSDAY 7.45 pm ATORS (River Sports Day) week - all general level. These and we have a host of wonder- classes run until the end of BALLET with Caitriona in the ful, watery sports for you to term - Friday 24th May. Campusport Studio - FRI- take part in. If you don't mind DAY 9.30 am STREET JAZZ with Philipa a ducking try the canoe slalom in the New Tap Room - MON- or raft change about. There will be a beginners race - so you don't have to be an expert Campusport Evening to take part - and the afternoon ends with a mixed Tug of War Aerobics - Changes Of in the water! FYOUDO-WE'RE Venue It's a great afternoon and al- DOING IT AGAIN ways Sioroughly enjoyed by this year but whether all who come along, so if 13th - 21st May inclusive Tuesdays: 7.00 - 8.00 pm Iit is bananas, sticks or you've never been before The following classes will be Wednesdays: 5.00 - 6.00 pm hammers - your guess is come and have an afternoon of taking place at the VARSITY Yvonka and Mark will be tak- as good as ours!! light-hearted end of term fun! CENTRE as the Campusport ing the classes as usual and If you don't you had better Entry forms available from the Hall will be full of examina- Campusport Centre or see this will help you to unwind from come down to the River Wey tion desks! issue of Bare Facts. exam stress! See you there. (behind the Yvonne Amaud Mondays: 6.00-7.00 pm Theatre) in Guildford on riVer sports day entry form Wednesday 22Nd maY TO BE RETURNED BY MONDAY 20TH MAY 2:00PM) TEAM ENTRY FEE OF £5.00 TO COVER PRIZES/MEDALS/MATERIALS ETC COMPLETE BELOW FOR ENTRY (each team musi consist of a miniinLim of 6 nennlO ENTRY MADE BY:. {!) Tug Of War {4 men/2 women) DEPARTMENT: .CONTACT TEL: (2) Water Gladiators (mixed teams) (a) Slalom <2 enteries - give names). CONTACT ADDRESS:. (b) Gladiators (4 enteries - give names)... (3) Beginners Canoe Race (M.*-nMiKiM-teAiiniAf>hmaai<«eadh^) NAME OF TEAM (Separate entries for each team)-. Men (give names): — —- Signed (Eotry Cootact): Pee (£5) enclosedi Women (give names)L Enteries must be accompanied by a signed statement by ALL team members indicating swimming abiliíy of (4) Rañing Up Chariot Race (2 men/1 woman) 100 meters and responsibility for own safety All entrants MUST wear plimsoUs (including tbe Tug of War aod that (5) Rañ Ctiange About life jackets are to be wom fc»^ ALL EVENTS. Open wounds should be covered by waterproof plasters, 13k Sport Cricketing Exploits ESPITE However on future matches opposition play at Kent tions to our top run scorers Dan will be gagged to prevent county youth level. who kept US alive that little bit him ÌTom opening his mouth. longer, and to those of our Classic quotes from him in- It was disappointing as we team who took the wickets. D had been lulled into a false LOSING TO clude "Mark's a good bats- We weren't at full strength Christchurch man against spinners." sense of security because our (next time Damien, don't use shortly before Mark had to 'spies' thought they had rain as an excuse, it was pretty College, the 2nds stili sussed the opposition out managed to frustrate the trail back to the hut The best sunny ali day!) and we had a was when he shouted "Come when they saw them in action damn good tiy. We'll get opposition of a crushing on Lads, we'll make it to 150" against Sussex 2nds the them next time. defeat. Haroun and Shaz as Haroun lifted the ball to match before, unfortunately romped through their give a catch on 148. Credit is they neglected to discover due to the team though, who that the Wednesday team is a bowlers, including the lot stronger. We lost, but we Captain, and had a took the first three Christ- church wickets fairly quickly, were good sports and we went partnership of nearly 80, considering that half of the out with a bang. Congratula- not bad considering Shaz is a number 11 batsman. Campusport 2nd Annual USFC Open River Sports Day 5 a-sìde ^ nament TRO Wednesday 28nd May 2:00 - 5:00 p.m. Date: Su I ter F.A Cup Final) at the Var 'entre (turf & astro) (training sh will be required) Teartrì itry Fee : £10 AN AFTERNOON OF FUN Enter at the U SFC o^k in the Union Foyer & TIME TO GET WET Mon óth May - Fri 1 OtìSMay OR MAYBE WIN A PRIZE!! 12pnri - 2pnn or phone Ton EVENTS: WATER GLAOUTORS RAFT CHANGE ABOUT TU6-0F -WAR CANOE RACES A HORS. 8ee "Bare ^cfs". Campusport or Canoe Club for details Audio Visual Services M are pleased to be associateci with and be printingfor et ^il The University of Surrey Students' Union f "Bare Facts" ì warm welcome is extended to ali ^^iversity Staff & Students to fulfìl your requireìnents in Prìnting & Photocopyina^Graphic Òesign, Photography, Television & Audio, Projection Services. UniversHy of Surrey. GutWford. Surrey. GUa.'iXH. T^ (01483) 25929^1^(01483)259390