Only Child a play by Aaron Ricciardi

AGENT CONTACT: Ben Izzo at Abrams Artists Agency 275 7th Ave, 26th Floor New York, NY 10001 (646) 461-9383 [email protected]

AUTHOR CONTACT: 165 W 66th St., Apt. 12B New York, NY 10023 (954) 803-9101 [email protected] © 2019 Aaron Ricciardi Draft 5, 2.13.19 PLAYERS: Jess. female thirties/forties Pat’s wife/owner uses her lips a lot: purses, licks, bites, pouts, kissy faces, chews her cheeks Pat. male thirties/forties Jess’s husband/puppy dog smiley Abbi. female ranges from infant to fifties/sixties Pat’s and Jess’s daughter, but also a vessel for the ghost of Mom wears baby and kids’ clothes, until she doesn’t. has a fuckin’ great laugh (played by an actress in her fifties or sixties, which at times is kind of ridiculous) The Prince. male ranges from teens to sixties/seventies Jess’s student wears a crown, until he doesn’t. bites his nails (played by an actor who looks to be a teenager)

PLAYING AREA: Settings change in a flash. Rather like a dream. Or a nightmare. Perhaps a piece of furniture or something gets added with every new scene, and nothing ever gets removed. At the end of the play, the stage would teem with the stuff of memories.

RULES: LEVITY: It’s crucial that the majority of this play be light and fun and uplifted. These people don’t realize how dark or ugly the situation is, and, in a way, that’s what this is all about. Certain moments—fights and serious discussions—are an exception to this. PACE: Pauses and silences are only indicated in this script when crucial. Feel free to add more. Don’t be afraid to let this play take its time. Except for maybe III. On Safari, nothing should feel rushed. ABBI: She doesn’t need to really change the way she talks when she gets older or younger, or when she switches between playing young Abbi and playing the ghost of Mom. In fact, maybe she shouldn’t change the way she talks at all. Maybe she should always kind of talk like a mid- fifties woman who smoked a few packs a day. Except for XV. Someplace, when she should probably sound and feel a bit different from her moments in the rest of the play. SCENE BREAKS: Fly through them. No blackouts. If you stop the action for a scene change, make it riveting and fabulous. for Mom, Dad, and Ariel: queen, king, and princess

“‘Peter,’ she asked, trying to speak firmly, ‘what are your exact feelings to me?’ ‘Those of a devoted son, Wendy.’ ‘I thought so,’ she said, and went and sat by herself at the extreme end of the room. ‘You are so queer,’ he said, frankly puzzled, ‘and Tiger Lily is just the same. There is something she wants to be to me, but she says it is not my mother.’ ‘No, indeed, it is not,’ Wendy replied with frightful emphasis.”

—Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie

“Michael took me back to Barrie’s flat a number of times, but I always felt uncomfortable there. There was a morbid atmosphere about it. I remember going there one day and it almost overwhelmed me, and I was glad to get away. We were going back to Oxford in Michael’s car, and I said, ‘It’s a great relief to get away from that flat,’ and he said, ‘Yes it is.’ But the next day he’d be writing to Barrie as usual.”

—Lord Robert Boothby, in J.M. Barrie and the Lost Boys by Andrew Birkin Only Child / 2.13.19 1

I. ON THE RUG

Jess and Abbi. Abbi is dressed like a baby, in a onesie or something. Perhaps she has a rattle, a bib, etc. Jess is playing the tile game Rummikub by herself. There is one rack set up in front of Jess, and another in front of Abbi. Jess is playing for both of them.

Abbi You’re doing it all wrong. You’re not taking advantage.

Jess Advantage of what?

Abbi Of everything you have. Look: you have these seven in a row here. That’s good. But you can split it up into a group of three and a group of four. Or a group of three and a group of three and then you have this extra one to do something else with.

Jess Right.

Abbi In fact—always shoot for threes. If you can have a group of three, you’re better off. It frees you up. Everything depends on groups of threes. That’s good. Just like that. Yeah. Now you can use those two. Exactly.

Jess Is it pronounced Rummi-cub or Rummi-cube?

Abbi Rummi-cub.

Jess Grandma said cube.

Abbi She did?

Jess I can hear her saying it. “Rummi-cube.”

Abbi I don’t remember that. Cube doesn’t make sense phonetically. Ahp—you missed that one there.

Only Child / 2.13.19 2

Jess Oh. Thanks. Why didn’t they get divorced?

Abbi Who?

Jess Grandma and grandpa. They always looked so miserable.

Abbi It just wasn’t done. You picked someone and you stayed. Grandma and grandpa were together since they’re kids. She was at his fourteenth birthday.

Jess That’s no different from me and Pat.

Abbi But my father and all the men, they all messed around on the side.

Jess I remember you telling me that.

Abbi I remember I was about to go to college, and I was sheet shopping with my mother and she said, “All men mess around. All men want their little adventures and that’s fine, so long as they don’t get her pregnant. You gotta make sure he doesn’t run off.” I had no respect for her after she told me that. Absolutely totally disgusting. But she was right. Every man I was ever with cheated. Every one. And every time I left the bastard.

Jess I don’t think I have to worry about that with Pat. I don’t think he’d ever cheat on me.

Abbi But, if he ever did, you should leave him.

Jess Oh, absolutely. I wouldn’t stand for that.

Pat enters.

Pat Jess?

Jess Pat.

Only Child / 2.13.19 3

Pat What smells so good? Je-ess?

Jess We’re in here.

Pat Hi tuss.

Jess Hi tuss.

Pat, baby voice Whattaw you doo-een on the floowah silly?

Jess, baby voice Play-een.

Pat, baby voice By youwsewf?

Jess, baby voice Abbi’s playeen but I’m moveen huhw tie-ohls.

Pat, baby voice Awe you giwls haveen fun?

Jess, baby voice Whaaat?

Pat, baby voice I saaiiid, awe you giwls haveen fun?

Jess Sorry, I can’t do two things at once. What’d you say?

Pat Nothing. Hi Abbi. Hi sweet girl.

Jess Do you say Rummi-cub or Rummi-cube?

Pat Cub. I think. How could it be cube? That’s not phonetic. Did your teachers say you had a good day?

Only Child / 2.13.19 4

Jess They did! You had the best day, right Abbi?

Pat Who’s my good girl!? Who’s my Abbi!? Why don’t you smile?

Jess makes Abbi smile.

Jess She smiles.

Pat tries to make Abbi smile. Abbi doesn’t smile.

Pat She doesn’t smile for me.

Jess I win.

Pat Why would you say that?

Jess I was kidding.

Pat It’s not funny.

Jess Sorry.

Pat What smells so good?

Jess I cooked!

Pat You never cook! What? You don’t. I’m surprised! It’s not—it’s a good surprised. Is that Nanny’s Macaroni?

Jess And green bean casserole. And cheddar cookies.

Only Child / 2.13.19 5

Abbi These have a real kick to ‘em!

Pat “These have a real kick to ‘em!”

Jess I can hear now, like she’s right here.

Abbi Holy shit!

Pat “Holy shit!”

Abbi It’s mold!

Jess “It’s mold!”

Abbi, Jess, and Pat “These fucking cookies are covered in mold!”

They laugh.

Pat You made Mom’s recipes. That’s so sweet. Did you clean too?

Jess I decided to clean.

Pat Amazing.

Jess Yeah I just couldn’t take this yucky feeling I’ve been feeling and I remembered once I read this book that said you should clean your space in order to clean your mind, or something like that.

Pat Well this is just great.

Jess I think I’m depressed.

Only Child / 2.13.19 6

Pat You’re not depressed.

Jess Look at me. Playing a four-person game by myself on the floor. Is it gonna be this way forever?

Pat It’s not forever. You’re not depressed. Mom just died. Say Dada. Say Dada. Dada. Say hi Dada. Hi Dada. Hi Dada. Dada. Dada.

Abbi Mama.

Pat Great.

Jess I got a new student.

Pat Yeah?

Jess He stuck around after school today chatting with me in my office, and he was adorable. Just like, so eager, very bright. He was like, “I know this play, and I know this play, and I was in this musical, and this is my vocal range and blahblahblah.” He’s clearly gay. It’s very sweet—

Pat I’m gonna shower. I’m disgusting.

Jess Um, okay, you’re not even listening to me.

Pat Course I am, you got a new student.

Jess There’s more. Forget it.

Pat No, I’m listening, I want to hear.

Jess Now you’re not gonna even believe me. You’re gonna think I’m making it up.

Only Child / 2.13.19 7

Pat I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.

Jess So it turns out this boy…is a prince.

Pat A prince?

Jess A prince.

Pat Are you using “prince” as some kind of euphemism or something?

Jess No like an actual prince.

Pat Like a prince prince?

Jess A prince prince.

Pat Is he famous? Would I know him?

Jess I mean, I’d never heard of him.

Pat What’s he the prince of?

Jess Some small kingdom. I’d never heard of it. But everyone was buzzing about it in the faculty room so I looked him up on my phone and it’s true. He’s actually a prince. Like a true-to-life bona fide prince. He’s the only child of the currently reigning queen, so he’s next-in-line to the throne and will undoubtedly be a king someday, which means that someday I will have taught the king of a small kingdom.

Pat Sounds like he’d be a real brat.

Jess He was lovely, like totally down to earth. You’re not letting me get to the point.

Only Child / 2.13.19 8

Pat Okay okay.

Jess The point is…he’s coming over for dinner tonight! He wanted help with a monologue for Thespians, so I told him I’d help him pick one out and I told him I’d make us all dinner.

Pat That’s why you cooked.

Jess Yeah! I’m cooking for royalty! I’ve been a nervous wreck since I got home from school, knowing I have royalty coming to my house. Our house. We’ve got royalty coming! I hope he’s not disgusted by how we live or anything. Like, he’s probably never seen a microfiber couch. What’s the matter?

Pat Tonight doesn’t work for me.

Jess Why not?

Pat Could you not have asked me?

Jess I figured it would be fine. Why doesn’t it work for you? We never do anything.

Pat I do things. I work.

Jess Um, I work too. I said we. We never do things. After we come home from work. We come home from work and you make us food and we watch TiVo. We don’t even watch live TV. We watch TiVo from the night before.

Pat So we can skip commercials. Commercials suck.

Jess But we never watch anything live.

Pat So?

Only Child / 2.13.19 9

Jess I don’t know.

Pat Do you not like cuddling on the couch and watching our shows? We love our shows. Project Runway and Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance and America’s Got Talent and Survivor and The Amazing Race and Dancing with the Stars and Will & Gr—

Jess You’ve yet to tell me why tonight doesn’t work for you.

Pat Tomorrow we have the big inspection. Corporate’s coming to do the yearly inspection of the store.

Jess I thought you said that was next week.

Pat I didn’t. It’s tomorrow.

Jess Oh. But what does that have to do with dinner tonight.

Pat It has to do with dinner tonight that it’s a big day and I need to go to bed early and I don’t want to perform.

Jess Perform? Take a nap before he comes over.

Pat rubs his temples.

Jess What’s wrong now? Migraine?

Pat Uh huh.

Jess Well I can’t just cancel. You don’t cancel on a prince.

Transition: The Prince is revealed, in all his splendor.

Only Child / 2.13.19 10

II. ON THE COUCH

Jess and The Prince. The Prince wears a crown. There’s a pile of books in front of them.

The Prince My parents are so clueless. They’re just idiots, for real, like, total idiots.

Jess The king and the queen?

The Prince My dad is not a king! Hell no. My dad actually didn’t really grow up with any money or anything and it shows. Like, he still doesn’t know what fork to use, and it’s disgusting honestly. Like, get your act together. At state dinners, he’ll ask the waiter to bring him more bread and he rips out the insides because he doesn’t like crust—you don’t like crust? are you in nursery school?—and he soaks up the bread in the sauce. Absolutely classless. At a state dinner. He embarrasses the kingdom. But, like, so does my mom. She has this obnoxious laugh, like this:

The Prince laughs like his mom, The Queen, laughs. He sounds a little like a giraffe.

The Prince It’s so obnoxious. She sounds like a giraffe. She thinks she’s this dignified pillar of society but when she laughs she sounds like a giraffe.

Jess How do you know what a giraffe sounds like?

The Prince We went on safari once, me and my parents—

Jess The king and the queen.

The Prince The king and the queen, yeah. You’re kind of obsessed with the whole royalty thing.

Jess No I’m not!

The Prince Yes you are. “The King, The Queen.” It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sometimes we fly on regular airlines. First class, but still.

Only Child / 2.13.19 11

Jess I’m really not obsessed with it.

The Prince Okay.

Jess I don’t want you to think I’m this unrefined bumpkin or something. When I was little my dad had a lot of money. He bought me this toy Mercedes I used to drive around. It worked off a battery. But then he pissed it away. You have an amazing smile.

The Prince Thank you! Braces. You have a nice smile too.

Jess I’m more partial to my eyes. No one ever compliments my eyes but I think they’re really beautiful. They’re my mom’s eyes.

The Prince They are really beautiful.

Jess Thank you. When I cry, they change colors. They turn aqua. Isn’t that cool?

The Prince Mm-hm. What was I saying?

Jess You went on a safari.

The Prince Right, we went on safari, which—have you done safari?

Jess We went to Disney and they have this safari we went on there.

The Prince That doesn’t count! A real safari, a true safari, is like nothing else in the world. You see the most amazing—we saw these giraffes having sex, just out in the open, we must’ve been like five feet from them, at most, and they were just going at it like we weren’t even there, and they were making this noise, like:

The Prince makes a loud noise like a giraffe.

Jess Shh. Only Child / 2.13.19 12

The Prince Sorry.

Jess I just don’t want my husband to wake up.

The Prince Right, his migraine.

Jess Giraffes. Having sex.

The Prince It’s stupid.

Jess No it’s not. Giraffes. Having sex. I’m very interested.

The Prince Whatever, I just, the female giraffe didn’t want it, you could tell because the male giraffe would try to mount her from behind and she’d gallop away and that kept happening, like some sort of dance, until finally he got her, and he’s like really humping her, like hard, like it looked violent almost, which was so strange because you kind of can’t imagine that a giraffe could possibly be so vicious but he was, and then the female starts mewing or whatever, making this noise, so it seemed like she was enjoying it, and that’s when I was like, “Mom that sounds like you when you laugh,” and then my dad snapped at me, like, “Don’t talk to your mother like that.” And then I called my dad a prick and that started this like terrible day where my parents punished me, they wouldn’t let me go on the other game drive that day. So they’re off watching lions eat zebra carcasses and I’m sitting alone in a tent—a luxurious tent, but a tent nonetheless. God they’re so annoying. I’m an only child so I spend so much time with them that it starts to feel like I’m in some sort of weird relationship with them, you know what I mean?

Jess Totally. I’m an only child too.

The Prince Like, I can’t find a girl who wants to date me but I have this middle-aged married couple, my parents, who are—not mincing words—obsessed with me, but they also treat me like I’m two years old—my mom especially, oh my god, she’d wipe my ass if I let her. And they’re so boring. Like, I’ll say some vocab word they’ve never heard before, like, I don’t know, superfluous or altruism or something, and they look at me like I’m some kind of alien who just landed on their porch, and it’s like, Bitch, Read A Book! You’re BORING!

Jess Shh.

Only Child / 2.13.19 13

The Prince Sorry. I’m loud. My parents are always telling me I’m aggressive. But you know what? I’d rather be aggressive than boring.

Jess You remind me of my friend. Scott. You even look like him a little bit.

The Prince Is he cute?

Jess Scott? He’s gorgeous.

The Prince What was that?

Jess I said Scott is gorgeous.

The Prince Scott is what?

Jess Gorgeous.

The Prince And Scott looks like me?

Jess Spitting image.

The Prince Alright. Proceed.

Jess You even talk like him. Like what you just did making me say gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. He would’ve done something like that. And he travels a lot like you do. He’s a flight attendant. Pat and I haven’t gone anywhere in a long time. I can’t even remember the last time we—I think it was when we went to Disney. We took Mom for her birthday. She got a wheelchair. God, is that really the last time? That’s kind of pathetic. We drove there. We didn’t even fly.

The Prince Can’t your friend hook you up with plane tickets?

Jess Who? Only Child / 2.13.19 14

The Prince Scott. Don’t flight attendants get to take their friends on flights for free?

Jess I’m not sure.

The Prince Me neither. Like I said, we normally fly on our private jet.

Jess I don’t talk to Scott much anymore. We lost touch. That happens when you’re my age. People just vanish. It’s weird. They just disappear.

The Prince What do you mean?

Jess They just drop off. Years go by and you realize once someone used to be the center of your entire universe, and now they’re gone. Poof. Disappeared.

The Prince Sometimes I wish my parents would just disappear, so they’d stop breathing down my neck. Don’t you?

Jess Well. My mom just died.

The Prince Oh my god. I’m such an idiot. I’m such an idiot.

Jess, crying It’s okay.

The Prince No, I’m making you cry. Where are tissues? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Abbi appears.

Jess I cry about her at the drop of a hat. I wasn’t good to her at the end. I got frustrated with her, and resentful. I should’ve enjoyed every moment I had with her but I didn’t. I hate endings. I hate knowing something’s going to end. I don’t even want to tonight to end. I’m having such a nice time. And we haven’t found you a monologue! We’ve been sitting here all night!

The Prince You’re right. They do turn aqua. Only Child / 2.13.19 15

Jess My mascara’s everywhere. You’re very special.

The Prince You too.

Abbi Mama.

Jess Oh my god, honey, are you okay?

Abbi I wuck up.

Jess Come here. It’s okay.

Abbi Whoddat?

Jess This is my new friend. He’s one of my big kids at school. Can you say hi?

Abbi Hah.

The Prince Hi sweet girl. What’s your name? What’s your name?

Jess You can tell him your name. She’s shy. She’s a little flirt. Are you a little flirt? Yes you are.

The Prince What’s your name? Is it…Jess?

Abbi No! Das Mama!

The Prince Is it…Minnie Mouse?

Abbi No!

Only Child / 2.13.19 16

The Prince Is it…Mickey Mouse?

Abbi No! Iss Abbi!

The Prince Abbi! What a pretty name!

Jess Why are you awake?

Abbi I hudda lou noyss.

The Prince The giraffe.

Jess Sure, you wake up but your dad sleeps right through it. Abbi, do you know where our new friend lives? He lives in a castle.

Abbi A cassa?

Jess That’s right. He’s very special.

The Prince What else lives in a castle? It breathes fire, and it flies?

Abbi A dwagga!

The Prince pretends to be a fire-breathing dragon. Abbi is frightened. Abbi leaps into The Prince’s lap and sits there. All three look up at the night sky.

Abbi Stahs.

Jess That’s right. Stars.

Only Child / 2.13.19 17

Abbi Moo.

Jess The moon.

The Prince Planets.

Jess The whole universe. Can you say that, Abbi? The universe.

Abbi Da yoonavuss.

Jess The universe.

The Prince’s cell phone rings. He answers immediately.

The Prince Hi. Yeah, we’re just looking for monologues. Oh, I lost track of time. MOM, I LOST TRACK OF TIME. Fine. Love you too.

He hangs up.

The Prince I have to go home. It’s past my curfew.

Only Child / 2.13.19 18

III. ON SAFARI

Jess, Pat, and Abbi.

Jess When was the last time we were here?

Pat In Disney?

Jess We’re not in Disney we’re in Africa.

Pat We’re not in Africa we’re in Disney.

Abbi I’m tired.

Jess Mom, can you stop complaining for five minutes? You’re ruining the trip.

Pat Jess, she’s sick. She has cancer.

Jess Why is she complaining if she has cancer? Time is slipping through our hands. There: time’s gone. And time’s gone. And time’s gone. And time’s gone. Enjoy it! Stop not enjoying it!

Abbi Mama! Mama I’m tired!

Pat Abbi knock it off! I’m warning you, I’ll turn this game drive vehicle right around!

Jess Pat calm down.

Pat Why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?

Jess You give yourself that role. You like it.

Abbi I want a cigarette. Only Child / 2.13.19 19

Pat You can’t have a cigarette. You’re a child.

The Prince appears.

The Prince Who’s ready to go on safari?

Abbi Honey do you have a cigarette?

Jess Mom you shouldn’t smoke. We all quit.

Abbi I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Mickey Mouse.

The Prince Princes don’t smoke.

Abbi You don’t know what you’re missing. Nothing like a cigarette. Hey, you’re cute. He’s cute, Jess.

Jess I know.

Abbi He’s very cute. Young. What did I always tell you, Jessy, about the puppies?

Jess All puppies are cute.

Abbi All puppies are cute, that’s right. No one can compete with a puppy. You hear that, Pat?

Pat hands Abbi a pack of cigarettes, lights one for her.

Pat Here you go, Ma.

Jess Pat!

Abbi You always take such good care of everybody, Patty Pat.

Only Child / 2.13.19 20

Jess Pat, why do you have cigarettes? You’re still smoking?

Pat I have lots of secrets.

The Prince Before we go, a safety demonstration. Please remember to keep your seat belt fastened and put your seatback and tray table in their full upright and locked position. This is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited everywhere, including the cancer.

Pat Who is this guy?

Jess He’s my friend.

Pat What friend?

Jess The one I told you about. You never listen to me!

The Prince In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will magically pop down from the ceiling and even though the bag doesn’t look like it’s inflating just be grateful goddammit and trust us, there’s oxygen in there, and if someone needs your help putting on their oxygen mask, you need to put yours on first, take care of yourself first! Take care of yourself first!

Abbi claps.

Abbi Yay Scott! Yay Scott! Oh Jess, he’s such a good flight attendant, that Scott.

The Prince And here we are. The savannah. Home to my favorite jungle animal: the fire-breathing dragon.

Jess There are so many of them.

Pat Those aren’t dragons. They’re giraffes.

Jess Look at that one trying to have sex with the other one.