The Ubyssey's annual satire issue SINCE 1918 December 8, 2418 VOL.DISS.XXVII

*&/i

The Ubyssey's 500th commemorative edition 2 I 2018-2073 I 12.07.2418 Good news, Former Prez Troope everyone! attempts to touch sun, bursts into flames as it truly been a half- Wanted to prove solar critics wrong millenium for The Ubys­ Justice lUlcEltron sey? Wars, depres­ Space Cowboy sion, enslavement by Stephen Troope, UBC's 12th presi­ animals, Prime Minister Ben dent and the first man to touch the Mulroney, Venusian racism, and sun, died yesterday at the age of 92. p boy Troope, who served as president c0 0^t™ the decade-long riot caused by from 2006 to 2016, was a world- 2030-present ^g j j g their flTSt renowned scholar and champion Canucks W nn n of human rights. His time at UBC Stanley Cup in 2141 have taken was marked bythe steady growth of campus and a commitment to place, and still, the vilest rag west of Blanca both undergraduate teaching and research excellence. But his legacy (or east of Albor Tholus, ifyou're at UBC-Mars!) was marred by a stubborn belief survives. that solar, wind and other so-called "sustainable" energies could better the planet—a theory that was dis­ It's almost as hard to believe as the fact that I, credited in the 2020s. In a final attempt to show the your humble editor, have been editing this pa­ world that he was correct, he flew st to the sun and touched it, in order per since 2010, but the wonders of 21 century to prove that its immense power science and a fear ofthe outside world have could make all humans fully sus­ tainable entities. ensured my glorious reign of The Ubyssey has He died instantly. continued for nigh four centuries, aside from "When he learned that the sus­ tainability initiatives he implement­ know it today, but at one point, scientists revealed that "global the year where my blood was replenished due ed during his term were harmful— UBC had 10 ofthe 20 most "sus­ warming" was actually a hoax that they actually accelerated global tainable" buildings in the world, designed by right-wing businesses to an overdose of Coke. warming—it really shook him to the and even created a road named to distract left-wing activists from core," said B. Jean Ahmadienne, his "Sustainability Street." In 2035, tangible concerns such as deregu­ caretaker in his final years. "And Troope hit rock bottom in his life, lation, globalization and income And yet, here we are. In celebration of our when you're presented with over­ locking himself away in the former equality. whelming evidence that your beliefs Chan Centre with little exposure to "Troope never imagined that quincentenary, we present a compilation of are flawed, you can either accept the outside world, except for reruns th people would look upon sustain­ stories from our past. Though we may be at defeat, or fight against common ofthe popular early 20 century ability advocates as profit-hungry sense with a fiery vengeance. show I Love Lucy. hucksters," mumbled Erin Tooter, peace today, with the East and West Solar Sys­ "And with my advice, he chose Accordingto his monkey butlers, a student leader during Troope's tems united in harmony, it was not always so. the latter option." he reportedly obsessed over set­ time. "He truly believed that mak­ Troope—who in later years be­ ting the University of Toronto on ing the campus more environmen­ Curious? Read on... came a recluse who lived in a giant fire in retaliation for overshadow­ tally friendly was the right thing to house with Ahmadienne and three ing UBC's fundraising initiative do," he added, trailing off at the end. elephants—is a mystery to most with an even larger fundraising "Of course, it doesn't help that if students, in part because UBC's initiative. students YouTube Troope's name, "de-sustainabalization" efforts suc­ But UBC's full-throated embrace the first thing that comes up is him ceeded in erasing the university's of a concept few students could ranting and raving about fund- legacy of being one ofthe largest wrap their heads around proved raising as though he were a mad polluters in North America. Few to be their undoing in 2024, when German dictator." 13 Athlete hobbled by cyberdoping Mysterious banned substance causes sustained, painful erection

Draco Fentron have been caught doping, it is be­ back and be quick to dart in for the Space Cowboy lieved that Redd is the first player snitch quickly and repeatedly. I'll "My erection won't go away. This to suffer a permanent erection from use my whole hand if I have to." was the biggest mistake of my life." injecting a banned substance. While Mars is known for adverse Those were the first words "It's a pretty ridiculous sight to weather conditions, Hardigan said spoken by UBC quidditch captain see, considering that Redd is mas­ he will not wear gloves. William Redd at a press conference sively endowed," said co-captain "I prefer to go bare," he said. Thursday. Francois Morgan-Fallic. "I saw his It is anticipated that the IQA Last week, the Intergalactic girlfriend in my Strategies to Form will reach their official decision on Quidditch Association (IQA) caught Sentences class, and she struggled Redd by Monday afternoon. 13 Redd cyberdoping during a random to get out of her seat." team drug test. In anticipation of Ladia Novulva, Redd's girlfriend, UBC's rivalry matchup against the couldn't be reached for comment as University of Cunith on Mars, Redd of press time. confessed to having cybernetic Without Redd on their roster, Cunith's box implants injected into his blood UBC may struggle to perform stream. against a monstrous Cunith roster. defence is rela­ Unfortunately, there was a com­ "I would love to play in Cunith's plication during the procedure and stadium but I know that our of­ tively loose. I now blood will not stop flowingto fence will be able to harden up, his penis, leaving it permanently and pickup the slack," Redd said. have no fear erect. "Cunith's box defence is relatively Even if the IQA refuses to sus­ loose and our chasers are very they will be pend Redd, it is widely believed greasy, so I have no fear they will that his erect member will prevent be able to slip in and penetrate for able to slip in him from properly mounting a multiple scores." and penetrate broom. Regardless if Redd dresses or "I have not only let my team and not, UBC should be able to rely on for multiple university down," said Redd, "but I all-star freshman seeker Willie B. have lost the opportunity to smash Hardigan. scores. Cunith." "I live for the snitch," said While other players in the IQA Hardigan. "I'll put the team on my William Redd, UBC Captain 5auder grad built an empire by assaulting people with their meals

UBC quidditch team takes home Cup

5olar power, water recycling systems deemed hopelessly out of date, environmentally destructive 4 I 2073-2184 I 12.07.2418 INCOMING TRANSMISSION...

he year was 2109, and the mutant animal insurrection had reached its height. Led by Bryson Mincemeat, a horde of mon-+ _ keys armed with the newest technology had taken over half of campus—which would have been fine if the half that UBC controlled An wasn't sinking into the ocean. + + + + + + + + + " jtfsZfc + + + As UBC and the AMS struggled to cope with the deteriorating situa­ tion at home, the great financial crisis had finally hit abroad. Tensions imperiled between different ethnicities were boiling over and leaders acted out of fear rather than wisdom. At least, that's what we assume; the nucl ar war of 2012 wiped out all records of world events. But luckily, The Ubyssey secured its archives in-a place no human had laid foot in for university decades—Thunderhawks Arena—ensuring our hisWy would inform the future.

AD E073-E18H Mutants consolidate gains AMS forms committee to debate a motion to do something about vengeful research animals

Kimmy lUlakkitoff Finance Erin Tooter tried to Christmas Special break the deadlock. Commuter students outraged "I propose we create an en­ AMS Council continues to dowment fund to help the mu­ debate how to address the tant animals create their own problem of mutant animals sustainable community. We by failure of transit tubes lording over students on cam­ will call it the Almos Barnabas pus. Although a motion has Gusztav Zoltan Endowment UBC director of conveyance: "Just look at the FAQ on our website. COD." been on the table for three for Sustainability and months, the society remains Philosophical Enquiry. Almos paralyzed by infighting. Barnabas Gusztav Zoltan was Andron Gates nd "Still stuck halfway over asking what to do about maintenance ofthe tubes is "Obviously we need to take a 22 century Hungarian Christmas Special the Fraser River," Forestry cracks wide enough for considered a cost-recovery action," said VP Academic limerick writer. I'm not joking student James McAdams people to fall through. Our issue," said Ben Partie of Mike Pearson. "But we need about this proposal; it's a seri­ Students have been left thought on Thinkr, a tele­ strategy is clear: try to avoid AirLink. "We heavily subsi­ to do this in the right way. It's ous one and ifyou don't like it, seething over the failure pathic networking service. "I them." dize the system, so we need a politically sensitive issue, it's because you've sold out to of AirWay, the high-speed wish somebody would let me The AMS is trying to ad­ to reserve every bit of money and we don't want to alien­ mainstream values." tubes that transport stu­ down." dress student complaints. we get from users to make ate mutants. I really think While Tooter's proposal dents to campus, right in the The incident has stoked They've been in contact with running this workable." we should send this motion was unanimously voted down middle of exam season. anger over AirWay. The the province, the university "Plus, how many of those back to the Human Security as a terrible idea, councillor "We didn't spend seven series of tubes were first and AirLink, which adminis­ students even have Tube- Committee for more work." Karl Willywillydong tried to hours in academic suspen­ introduced before the final ters the system, accordingto Passes?" Partie asked. "I bet "That greatly offends refocus Council's attention on sion learning the course for sustainability push, when AMS DJ President XCVIII. you they bought them all on me!" responded council­ the issue at hand. nothing," said Arts stu­ buses—large vans filled with "I understand that these Craigsnotes. We can't be held lor Herman Moock. "How "The proposed amend­ dent Stephanie Nakamura. seating for transportation- tubes have degenerated to accountable for people that dare you put considerations ment on amending the sec­ "We used several thousand were being decommissioned. the point that students are try to game the system like of mutants ahead ofthe stu­ ond comma on the whereas iTunes credits per year on The system was one of many literally in danger," he said. that." dents that we have a fiduciary clause is problematic for 25 tuition and the unreasonable infrastructure upgrades built "When DJ President DJ President noted that responsibility to!" reasons, which I'll spell out fees charged for this series when Vancouver hosted the XXXVI negotiated this sys­ major upgrades will also But AMS DJ President as quickly as I can right now," of tubes." 2050 Quidditch World Cup. tem, they originally wanted become unnecessary once a XCVIII hesitated. "Mutant Willywillydong said. The The tube blockage oc­ Now, however, the system to use a type of transpar­ new system involving tele- animals are a stakeholder on amendment failed. curred over Broadway at 8am has fallen into disrepair, ent plastic for the tube that portation is worked out. this campus, no doubt. And Though the meeting ended Saturday, as movement on the with travel times mount­ would have only lasted 20 "It's goingto be much while I think we need to take inconclusively, councillors felt B-line stopped and students ing and cracks in the plastic years, while the AMS held better than the current a stand on this, I also think that they were coming close began to pile up for several widening. out for alloy, which would system," said Pleased. "We we should be careful about to an official AMS statement miles. Students arriving from "We've been trying to last 50 years. So it's bad, but just have to work out some taking a stand. We may not on the mutant animals. "Next the A, C and D lines were held warn people," said Karen this gross neglect could have details, like where it's going want to take a stand at all, de­ meeting, I think, will be a real up as the main line became Pleased, UBC's director of been much worse," said DJ to go, how it will be funded, pending on how things go." breakthrough," said Pearson. full. Reports suggest some conveyance strategies. "If President. and how the teleportation After a few more hours "Now if you'll excuse me, I students still maybe waiting you look at the FAQ on our "I know people are system works. of protracted debate, VP have a lot of drinkingto do." 13 for service to resume. website, there's a question having problems, but the "But it's coming soon." 13 5T0P: "We're not saying they're damned, dirty apes, but..."

THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA | MARS CAMPUS

UBC BOOKSTORE but seriously, we do other stuff, too

0BT32L4b50321D4a,3732ma5 175 3soi 3245701 asaMSiim D1fll37Ma32m7=it5431,:iDM3 0837 43,235 tb73a3,=Ua3,3aM7 0713bS732aici347b:i,3'3S0

1 LLZDL Sw r o g if a rn fife s Mb P o k s to r Se N EtK r e a Id rii e. t K t 3723S4734bl3fl4130 b*3as 4ias 4=310233=3 "imeless hat haue guided man :enturies 9 •> Ulpfks of phUpsppihy th idciety 2 for 1 !

>>The UBC Bookstore is domnsizinq its JhPok collection to make mad 17432bl7 4 3b284127a314S3 01747b3723a4734bl3a413D 4 372i=3ba3a5 4i83 4=3i023a=i 23S03 421'33a']32,3a=3327014 08=132 4b5032104B=37 321485 6 I 2184-2241 I 12.07.2418 THI5 15 GROUND CONTROL...

he year was 2109, and the mutant animal insurrection had • reached its height. Led by Bryson Mincemeat, a horde of mon­ keys armed with the newest technology had taken over half of • carrtpus^-which would have been fine if the half that UBC controlled wasn't sinking into the ocean. A dark + + + + + + + + +" H&k + + + • As UBC and the AMS struggled to cope with the deteriorating situa- • tion-at home, the great financial crisis had finally hit abroad. Tensions between different ethnicities were boiling over and leaders acted out time of fear rather than wisdom. At least, that's what we assume;the nucle­ ar war of 2012 wiped out all records of world events. But luckily, The Ubyssey secured its archives in a place no human had laid foot in for decades—Thunderhawks Arena—ensuring our history would inform for UBC the future. AD S18H-SSH1 Koerner's briefly What will Arts students do now? reopens, disaster strikes "You can't get sued if liquor laws don't exist," said AMS when taking over pub from CSS

Wilfred lUlcDontron Space Cowboy

With the collapse ofthe legal system and liquor licensing bodies, Koerner's Pub was finally able to reopen this year after a 300-year temporary closure. However, the pub was forced to close again after masses of underage students sustained horrible injuries. At the re-opening, pub manager Nat King Cole was optimistic. "It is impossible to violate liquor laws that don't exist and we can't get sued, so we think we may The Last Arts Lecture: Ever actually be able to keep the pub open," Cole said. The re-openingwas made possible by the AMS, who took over after all graduate students were eaten Funds rerouted from arts to research on mutant-killing mobile armour by mutant animals. "We took control ofthe pub. The real reason it lost money had nothing to do with it being run into Borg Sprat but I think we all know they'll better than dying." debate over how it might be the ground by imbeciles," said AMS DJ President Space Cadet come to regret that decision." During the speech, one possible to bring back Arts CXXXIII. "It was a problem of branding. So we Fortunately for the Arts Arts student collapsed of ex­ County Fair. "I think we've re­ changed the daily special to SPLASH! Beer!" In the smoke-filled Buchanan students assembled, the Last haustion and was quickly set ally made on progress on that Furthermore, the pub still had vast quantities of courtyards, beside the ruins Arts Lecture Ever proved to upon by his ravenous class­ this year," said Swang, who alcohol left over from its abrupt shutdown in 2011. As ofthe once-mighty Buchanan be a humdinger. Dr Herman mates. Two other students then added, "Ow, who's biting the only place left on campus with booze, the AMS Tower, Arts students gathered H. Buckfijison gave a speech were picked off by the vicious my arm?" figured Koerner's was sure to turn a profit. yesterday to hear the Last titled "On the merits of can­ mutant raccoons known to The dismantling ofthe However, as soon as it was discovered that alcohol Arts Lecture Ever. nibalism: a post-structuralist inhabit the dumpsters behind faculty follows the similar remained on campus, SPLASH! Beer was looted by "Obviously this is hard for examination of power-hi­ the wreckage of Buchanan E. fate handed to Commerce, out-of-work professors and impoverished students. us all," said Gabe Aversion, erarchy scales in capitalist "I found the whole speech Pharmacy and Law. All the alcohol was consumed before the looters serving in his final days as society." very moving," said Justine "You're being rash!" a even left the building. The perpetrators promptly ran the dean of Arts. "We've lost "The anti-cannabilist hege­ Swang, the outgoing president Sauder professor exclaimed away to avoid the wrath of latecomers. the fight to save the Faculty monic attitude ofthe societal ofthe soon-to-be-doomed as he was being evicted from In the frantic, drunken efforts to escape, several of Arts. The university has elites has been enormously Arts Undergraduate Society his office. "This isn't the end underaged students were trampled to death. decided to put its limited destructive," Buckfijison told (AUS). "It forced us re-ex­ of civilization, it's just another "After this debacle, we decided to suspend opera­ resources toward the sci­ the audience to rapturous amine our perceptions ofthe market cycle! There has never tions until another business review could be per­ ence and engineering skills applause. world and the people around been a better time to buy formed," said DJ President CXXXIII. needed to rebuild our society "You've been subjected to us. Especially our perception stock!" "Even when it was the only place with alcohol on and kill the remaining mutant manipulation and coercion by of whether the people around The School of Kinesiology, campus, it still managed to lose money and over- animals. the vegetarians, in particu­ us would taste delicious if however, was saved due to the roasted over an open flame." serve underage customers to the point that they in­ "They seem unconcerned lar. It's the manufacture of powerful gym teacher lobby. jured themselves. It only stayed open for 20 minutes," over who among us will be consent. The AUS was especially dis­ Various professors also he continued. able to explain the intricacies "Basically what I'm saying appointed about the demise of threatened to beat up senators "We hope to have Koerner's back up in operation ofthe ethno-musical anthro­ is, ifyou're hungry, it's okay Arts at UBC, as they were just and take their lunch money if soon, hopefully before the new millenium." 13 pology of far-flung nations, to start eating each other. It's about to have the 268th annual the faculty was disbanded. 13 Concerns that campus will become too "prisoner-centred"

Parent: "I think my daughter deserves a dorm that is not underwater." 8 I 2241-2380 I 12.07.2418 JOURNALI5T5...IN SPACE!

'he end of any war brings with it great technological And so, after the end of the Animal-Human conflict th did not end with the mass genocide of animals, huma .to develop such amazing technologies that for the firs A new began to look outside our humble planet. Naturally, students raged against these expansions, denigrating those who advocated for a Mars campus as neo-neo-neo-neo-neo colonial­ beginning ists. But the enthusiasm of students to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life, and to boldly make lame William Shatner jokes f< another wawass so strong that UBC's Mars campus was built. ...in space And yet, aside from the space hysteria, much happened in this era, a strange mishmash of Renaissance and Cold War tropes that, dear reader, actually happened. AD 22H1-238Q Albums are still great The Great Star Jenny Starco Queen ofthe Feline Armada Trek to Mars The albums of 2310 seem aw­ fully familiar. Three major musical taste aggregators are naming their "Albums ofthe Year" this week. Each recording is either a reissue of 20th century mu­ sic, or features original work from cryogenically preserved artists. Rolling Stone released something so wonderful Springsteen's album The both the Boss and the reeking, its top ten albums, with again." Darkness on the Edge of Town. sewage-strewn necropolis in Screeches, a collection of Neil NME gave the top spot The redux features lyrics in which he lived and died." YoungD-sides,takingthetop on their annual list to all three of Canada's official Reaction on the interwebs spot. "There was a purity in Radiohead's "OK Human," languages: English, French was intense. "THEY KNOW the 1960s and 1970s that sim­ which drew ire from cyborg and Gelatinous Mind-Cube NOTHING ABOUT MUSIC," ply can't be replicated," said critics for giving awards Thought Wave. wrote KeiblerBbl3, fan of mu­ Stone editor-in-chief Joplin exclusively to homo sapien "It's a really important sical sensation Dustin Keibler, Starky. producers and musicians. album from our past," said a nine-year-old who uses The song "Double "It's not about racism," frontman Win Driver. "The telepathic vibrations to to Rainbow" was an instant said the android body that kids today talk about being stimulate the pleasure centres classic that Starkey said currently hosts Thom Yorke's from New Jersey, but no­ of listeners' brains until they "appeals to our sense ofthe consciousness. "It's about body really knows what that are lulled into a soporific state Justice McEltron "That last part was off sublime." art." means. Probably because New of indifference. Supreme Overlord the record. Don't quote that, "In an age when hits are all Pitchfork's No. 1 album Jersey hasn't existed for over "Who the fuck is because it would make me flavours ofthe moment pulled ofthe year went to Arcade 150 years. Arcade Fire?" added Rosie Hundreds of students board­ look bad." from the interwebs, I can't Fire, who released a complex "Hopefully this record will O'Donnell's artificially-pre­ ed a rocket ship, flew to Mars, But the university says imagine anyone ever creating re-interpretation of Bruce preserve the memories of served brain stem. 13 crossed the Hellas Basin they are handcuffed by a lack and filled an uncompleted of funding. neo-chemistry building to de­ "Look, we've raised all the mand that UBC finish build­ money we possibly can," said ing its Mars campus. VP Finance Pierre Khan in a Students are calling the broadcast beam. "The forests march a "Star Trek," in hon­ were cut, we built 110-story Campus eats veggies our ofthe original Great Trek condos, we call every single of 1922. There, thousands of one of our alumni 3 times a students walked to Nancy day begging for money. We're Knightville (formerly "Point tapped out of funds. We can't After animals take over, no animals used for food Grey"), where construction afford construction on Mars. Kayip Tongs While conspiracy theories bringing phasers to school, I started getting their appetite had started on a university A Star Trek is fruitless." Space Cadet linger regardingthe pos­ knew I had to make a report satiated with Booster Juice's campus for UBC students, Students responded sible connection ofthe Alice to UBC's chairman," said fluids!" but had yet to be completed the statement by shout­ It's official: UBC is an all- Waters Foundation to the Jaime Suzuki, MD PhD, who Unfortunately, the vegan due to lack of funding by the ing "KHAN!" to the skies, vegan campus. And it only genocide of animals in 2350, teaches a sustainability in diet brought about other government ofthe day. before continuing with their took the death ofthe final most people focus on the ini­ space class at UBC. maladies. The percentage This week's Star Trek was campaign. primate in British Columbia tial challenges that students Most UBC students em­ of Canadians infected with much the same, with students The idea of an extrater­ to achieve it. faced in adopting the novel braced the new vegan diet, chlorophyll poisoning had demanding the govern­ restrial campus was hatched "Stoked that students vegan lifestyle during the saying it gave them more increased alarmingly from 3 ment finish construction of a decade ago, when the have progressively chosen a Space era. time to concentrate on their per cent in 2350 to 35 per cent a campus that is intended government purchased 2000 vegan diet. Our university is After the animal rights ac­ research. Lynette Wang, in 2355. to both ease congestion at acres of land next to Olympus epic. #prezlife," tweeted DJ tivist group AFTW commit­ graduate ofthe Martian na- At UBC alone, one quar­ UBC-Vancouver and make Mons for the purposes of a President XLIIII after the ted mass suicide following no-cloning program, credits ter of faculty members and UBC a global leader in space future university. And while news was announced. the execution of Narwhal the introduction ofthe vegan students have tested posi­ engagement. UBC has promised that any However, some questioned 1138, UBC was well pre­ diet to her current success. tive for chlorophyll poison­ "UBC constantly says 'Two Mars campus would be for whether the ends justified pared for the carnivorous "My classmates used to ing at the Student Medical Great Planets, One Great academic use only, already the means. depression. What they were call me an overachiever," Headquarters in the year 2351. University,' but where is people are estimating poten­ "I'm all for a health­ not expecting was the wave said Wang, "but when they But students think the that university?" asked EUS tial returns on development. ier campus," said Roy of hyperactivity and other saw the amount of energy benefits of an all-vegan cam­ rep Hansome Spiderman. "Let's think about future Conspiratron. "I just wish nutrition-related illnesses. I've gained from just eating pus outweigh the drawbacks. "Until they make good on market valuation of this the university would be hon­ "You can tell students had brussels sprouts and white "It's good to be vegan," their promise to build a Mars property," said Commerce est that it came about due to significant increase in en­ asparagus for every meal, said Jash Curry. "The idea campus, they are as useless to professor Tsar Summertime. all edible and sentient ani­ ergy. They were exception­ and the subsequent amount that we would ever kill ani­ my needs as my cohort Eely "Does UBC really need a mals being exterminated as ally fervent in their discus­ of mini unicorns I had the mals for our own pleasure is Cambill, that skinny spineless Mars campus, or does it need part ofthe war effort." sions. When students began time to clone, everyone just repugnant." 13 bitch. a Mars resort?" 13 i2.07.24i8 I 2241-2380 I 9 How earthlings used to live Museum shows the primitive pratices of our Terrestial forebears

Pictured from left to right: Containers that earthlings used to hold hot liquid, a shiny disc used as jewellery, a rubberized satchel and the robot slave instrument known as the iPod.

Mind Wonder memorabilia, the ten-storey of finding many USBs, or including the iPad, in the makes my genitals tingle—I computing lifeforms," said Space Cadet building makes it the largest Universal Storage Buses. wreckage. can't quite describe it. Dunne. Earth museum, even sur­ USBs, Dunne explained, The iFamily, as Dunne has "I encourage all museum- The museum is also ex­ Have you heard of an iPod passing Jupiter's Museum of were severed fingers of ro­ deemed it, were an early race goers to witness this experi­ cited to display its collection or USB? Do you know of Human Hair. bots who were brutally dis­ of robots brutally enslaved ence. It really changes your ofthe barbaric theatre show the gladiator shows once "It's quite remarkable. membered at the whims of by humans to contain trivial, life." known as The Muppets. held by The Muppets? Have Not only do we laugh upon humans. They were used as often vapid thoughts in a The many exhibits fea­ "One ofthe Muppets in you longed to understand how silly humans were, but digital storage devices, tak­ sing-song form called music. tured in the museum's grand particular, the one they called the sexual fever that still it also gives us some insight ing advantage ofthe robots' The analyzing team has opening include the chronol­ Beaker, is subjected to the abounds for the one known into the previous way of life," electronic nervous systems extracted several ofthe files ogy ofthe iFamily and how worst kinds of torture while as Bieber? said museum director Bart to move files. from it, although the genre, they came to eventually the audience cheers rabidly," The curiosity of history Kingsley. The iPod, a small rectan­ pitch and content ofthe files destroy young humans aged said Dunne. "It's really quite buffs and vintage gadgets Archaeologist and mu­ gular device with an apple varies from iPod to iPod. 18-24 with the inception of disturbing." fanatics will be satisfied seum analyst John Dunne is etched on the back, was also "There is batch of files on their subliminal messages of "It's an exciting discovery when the Charles Widmore excited for the public to see found among wreckage sites these devices grouped un­ light-bulb eating. for the archaeology commu­ Museum of Earth Artifacts the objects excavated from on Earth. der the name 'Bieber,'" said "We have come a long way nity and also for the public, as opens on UBC Mars. Earth's ruins. Dunne. from these acts of brutal­ we have a chance to under­ Archaeologists are find­ st Compiling over 300 Yet his excitement is ing large quantities of this "There's something about ity to our fellow friends, the stand the barbarity ofthe 21 years worth of human tempered bythe distress device and its descendents, interacting with them that robots, androids and other century," said Kingsley. 13

Keep in touch in the UBC wasteland

# Messenger pigeon: ams Wastelander Weekly m Executives will eat pigeons Flaregun: survivor society a weekly look at avoiding starvation Warn us of raider attacks

cn EXECUTION

The Pi (we dump bodies in) Everybody's favourite night of the week is back!

^—> Your student society has captured a new crop of raiders in Pacific Spirit / I X Desert and will publicly ex- New Bento special: $8.95 I | ecute them at the Pit Pub! • Soylent Green Roll Dress code is tight and 1 '' bright. Feat, retro dubstep •Ear tempura | | hits from artists such as Scrillexand Bassnectar. • Californian Roll-freshly harvested! 10 I 2380-2418 I 12.07.2418

APPROACHING MARS...

—he end of any war brings with it great technological advances. And so, after the end of the Animal-Human conflict that certainly did not end with ,the mass genocide of animals, humans begun to develop such amazing technologies that for the first time, we began to look outside our humble Univer planet Naturally, students raged against these expansions, denigrating those who advocated for a Mars campus as neo-neo-neo-neo-neo colonialists. But the enthusiasm of students to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life, and to boldly make lame William Shatner jokes for another century was so strong that UBC's Mars campus was built. + + + university And yet, aside from the space hysteria, much happened in this era, a strange mishmash of Renaissance and Cold War tropes that, dear reader, actually happened. AD E380-EH18 Students rally around Chairborg

Kommander lUlakortorf Nearly 20 years ago, in an have been the only instance Kosmonaut attempt to find a dual solu­ where he's spoken to the tion for a lack of scientific media. Cyborgs have launched a sit test subjects and the high "UBC allowed me to mi­ in protest on half ofthe UBC rate of students defaulting on grate to Mars—something Mars (UBC-M) campus as of their skyrocketing tuition, I never imagined would be this morning. The movement UBC-M said it would waive possible—in exchange for fus­ began yesterday evening, tuition fees if students were ing my body with a retract­ when nearly 400 bionic willing to let researchers able chair. Was it convenient? students rallied around the replace their body parts with Was it worth it? I'll just say, it Student Union Station (SUS) machinery. wasn't what I expected," said as the leader ofthe move­ "I can't even hug my family Chairborg. ment, Chairborg, declared anymore, or I'll crush them," Laurie McSteele, director emancipation for the cyborg sobbed Marion Chidyn, who of Public and Intergalactic race. couldn't even properly cry, Affairs, defended the uni­ "I've sat for 500 years be­ but was shooting sparks out versity's agreement with tween two different planets, ofthe area once occupied the test subjects. "This isn't in a building and a station, by her tear ducts. She gave something we've forced upon with little hope of ever up both her human arms for anyone—they knew what rectifying the harms done steel replacements after she they were getting into. The to the less fortunate," said was put on financial hold for university is proud of their Chairborg, floating above the $40,000 she owed for two research and has successfully the crowd in his opening upper level Science courses brought these students and speech. "But today we will back in 2398. Chairborg to Mars without take what's rightfully ours— Chairborg has been a debts. I think that's a fantas­ the technology that turned us mainstay in the SUS since tic exchange. into monsters." it opened. He moved from "Now, we just hope they'll UBC-M has been the front the UBC-Vancouver cam­ remember their humble runner of bionic technology pus, where he was known as beginnings and know we're in the galaxy. However, what "Chairbo," an elusive home­ here for maintenance of all seems to have gotten the pro­ less man who had sat in the their mechanical parts." testers up in arms has been Student Union Building for UBC hopes to peacefully that the technology has been years. Despite The Ubyssey's remove cyborgs from the developed through human numerous requests for in­ Arts and Science buildings experimentation. terviews, this week's events this evening. 13 Delegation to Earth's Gaza talks under fire Funding questioned to give student presence at resumption of peace talks

A. Lee Us After three days of delib­ But UBCSUM President trip to work with an organi­ The decision angered both Ahmadienne XXV StaffWriter eration, the UBCSUM failed DJ President IV argued that zation he had many friends ISAC and SSPHR, who said The SSPHR disagreed to come to a conclusion, satis­ it was important to have a in, and was therefore in a that Mars-based students vehemently, arguing that Conflict arose on UBC's Mars fying no one. presence on earth during conflict of interest on the needed to show they cared even though 95 per cent campus this week when the "I'm not saying that we this crucial debate. matter. about the issue with the of Israel was underwater Israeli Space Awareness shouldn't support the peace "Even though I would But he rejected such no­ exact same opinion that they due to the expansion ofthe Club (ISAC) and Students for process," said VP Earth never dream of being overtly tions. "I am personally of­ had. Mediterranean, Palestinians Space Palestinian Human Katrina Holyfield, explain­ partisan on any issue, it's fended that anyone would be "Even though our land deserved to snorkel under­ Rights (SSPHR) feuded with ing why she voted against the important that we have an personal about this," he said. became so crowded 70 years water in their ancestral the UBC Student Union Mars delegation. Earth presence on these "We should be above such ago that we had no choice homelands. (UBCSUM). "But we only have so many sorts of critical lobbying is­ things, and Holyfield is a but to start sending Israelis "Trying to change our At issue was whether the lobbying dollars, and spend­ sues," he said. shithead for her claims." and Palestinians to Mars, mind with logic is foolish," student union should send ing it on a rocketship to Earth Critics pointed out that if DJ President then apolo­ thus making this entire said President Omor El- a delegation to earth in sup­ doesn't make sense when we the motion succeeded, DJ gized for his outburst. In argument moot, we can­ Capi-tan. "This has been an port ofthe 124th peace talks need to focus on Mars-related President would go on the the end, council decided not accept a solution that issue argued on emotion and between the Palestinians and issues. There are important rocketship himself to New to send the motion back to would take away our land," history for millenniums, and Israelis. space politicians here." York on an all-expenses-paid committee. said ISAC President B. Jean nothing will ever stop that." 13 5ome concerned higher tuition is unfair, others consider it a worthy tarriff

A united solar system marks the end of our ideological evolution

A clash of solar systems is upon us STOP SALE!

LILLJ i IMHMM3MMB Arshy's Best Factory Damaged clones come with minor defects that set them apart from our A-grade Arshy's Best™ products, without compromising on mental stability or physical strength. *?afe : 1.«* , &Sr*___li*' All of our Factory Damaged Clones feature barely noticeable aesthetic flaws. t all of the performance capabilities you can expect from Arshy's Best™. MODEL 6-43 SK0:23894 SKU:92348 i_

GCH7i era

MODEL: B-8S SK0:284932 SKU:74382I (ffiLMD OBuHM Gm57CQefflIFQ fflmiKBECEEB

MODEL: AAB MODEL: FFF SKU: 27421 SK0:0045I <^ V \ GnrofflaniFfl mmm

[email protected] *cleanliness not guaranteed **accidental available at an additional $199.99999x(month)"1 ***Some clones may include pig, chimpanzee or spotted prawn DNA. Arshy's Best™ is not liable for any physical, emotional, quantum harm or disturbance caused from products. If products encounter existential crisis, become a moral relativist, or shows signs of free will, call 1-(800)-DEFECTS