The Ubyssey's annual satire issue SINCE 1918 December 8, 2418 VOL.DISS.XXVII *&/i The Ubyssey's 500th commemorative edition 2 I 2018-2073 I 12.07.2418 Good news, Former Prez Troope everyone! attempts to touch sun, bursts into flames as it truly been a half- Wanted to prove solar critics wrong millenium for The Ubys­ Justice lUlcEltron sey? Wars, depres­ Space Cowboy sion, enslavement by Stephen Troope, UBC's 12th presi­ animals, Prime Minister Ben dent and the first man to touch the Mulroney, Venusian racism, and sun, died yesterday at the age of 92. p boy Troope, who served as president c0 0^t™ the decade-long riot caused by from 2006 to 2016, was a world- 2030-present ^g j j g their flTSt renowned scholar and champion Canucks W nn n of human rights. His time at UBC Stanley Cup in 2141 have taken was marked bythe steady growth of campus and a commitment to place, and still, the vilest rag west of Blanca both undergraduate teaching and research excellence. But his legacy (or east of Albor Tholus, ifyou're at UBC-Mars!) was marred by a stubborn belief survives. that solar, wind and other so-called "sustainable" energies could better the planet—a theory that was dis­ It's almost as hard to believe as the fact that I, credited in the 2020s. In a final attempt to show the your humble editor, have been editing this pa­ world that he was correct, he flew st to the sun and touched it, in order per since 2010, but the wonders of 21 century to prove that its immense power science and a fear ofthe outside world have could make all humans fully sus­ tainable entities. ensured my glorious reign of The Ubyssey has He died instantly. continued for nigh four centuries, aside from "When he learned that the sus­ tainability initiatives he implement­ know it today, but at one point, scientists revealed that "global the year where my blood was replenished due ed during his term were harmful— UBC had 10 ofthe 20 most "sus­ warming" was actually a hoax that they actually accelerated global tainable" buildings in the world, designed by right-wing businesses to an overdose of Coke. warming—it really shook him to the and even created a road named to distract left-wing activists from core," said B. Jean Ahmadienne, his "Sustainability Street." In 2035, tangible concerns such as deregu­ caretaker in his final years. "And Troope hit rock bottom in his life, lation, globalization and income And yet, here we are. In celebration of our when you're presented with over­ locking himself away in the former equality. whelming evidence that your beliefs Chan Centre with little exposure to "Troope never imagined that quincentenary, we present a compilation of are flawed, you can either accept the outside world, except for reruns th people would look upon sustain­ stories from our past. Though we may be at defeat, or fight against common ofthe popular early 20 century ability advocates as profit-hungry sense with a fiery vengeance. show I Love Lucy. hucksters," mumbled Erin Tooter, peace today, with the East and West Solar Sys­ "And with my advice, he chose Accordingto his monkey butlers, a student leader during Troope's tems united in harmony, it was not always so. the latter option." he reportedly obsessed over set­ time. "He truly believed that mak­ Troope—who in later years be­ ting the University of Toronto on ing the campus more environmen­ Curious? Read on... came a recluse who lived in a giant fire in retaliation for overshadow­ tally friendly was the right thing to house with Ahmadienne and three ing UBC's fundraising initiative do," he added, trailing off at the end. elephants—is a mystery to most with an even larger fundraising "Of course, it doesn't help that if students, in part because UBC's initiative. students YouTube Troope's name, "de-sustainabalization" efforts suc­ But UBC's full-throated embrace the first thing that comes up is him ceeded in erasing the university's of a concept few students could ranting and raving about fund- legacy of being one ofthe largest wrap their heads around proved raising as though he were a mad polluters in North America. Few to be their undoing in 2024, when German dictator." 13 Athlete hobbled by cyberdoping Mysterious banned substance causes sustained, painful erection Draco Fentron have been caught doping, it is be­ back and be quick to dart in for the Space Cowboy lieved that Redd is the first player snitch quickly and repeatedly. I'll "My erection won't go away. This to suffer a permanent erection from use my whole hand if I have to." was the biggest mistake of my life." injecting a banned substance. While Mars is known for adverse Those were the first words "It's a pretty ridiculous sight to weather conditions, Hardigan said spoken by UBC quidditch captain see, considering that Redd is mas­ he will not wear gloves. William Redd at a press conference sively endowed," said co-captain "I prefer to go bare," he said. Thursday. Francois Morgan-Fallic. "I saw his It is anticipated that the IQA Last week, the Intergalactic girlfriend in my Strategies to Form will reach their official decision on Quidditch Association (IQA) caught Sentences class, and she struggled Redd by Monday afternoon. 13 Redd cyberdoping during a random to get out of her seat." team drug test. In anticipation of Ladia Novulva, Redd's girlfriend, UBC's rivalry matchup against the couldn't be reached for comment as University of Cunith on Mars, Redd of press time. confessed to having cybernetic Without Redd on their roster, Cunith's box implants injected into his blood UBC may struggle to perform stream. against a monstrous Cunith roster. defence is rela­ Unfortunately, there was a com­ "I would love to play in Cunith's plication during the procedure and stadium but I know that our of­ tively loose. I now blood will not stop flowingto fence will be able to harden up, his penis, leaving it permanently and pickup the slack," Redd said. have no fear erect. "Cunith's box defence is relatively Even if the IQA refuses to sus­ loose and our chasers are very they will be pend Redd, it is widely believed greasy, so I have no fear they will that his erect member will prevent be able to slip in and penetrate for able to slip in him from properly mounting a multiple scores." and penetrate broom. Regardless if Redd dresses or "I have not only let my team and not, UBC should be able to rely on for multiple university down," said Redd, "but I all-star freshman seeker Willie B. have lost the opportunity to smash Hardigan. scores. Cunith." "I live for the snitch," said While other players in the IQA Hardigan. "I'll put the team on my William Redd, UBC Captain 5auder grad built an empire by assaulting people with their meals UBC quidditch team takes home Cup 5olar power, water recycling systems deemed hopelessly out of date, environmentally destructive 4 I 2073-2184 I 12.07.2418 INCOMING TRANSMISSION... he year was 2109, and the mutant animal insurrection had reached its height. Led by Bryson Mincemeat, a horde of mon-+ _ keys armed with the newest technology had taken over half of campus—which would have been fine if the half that UBC controlled An wasn't sinking into the ocean. + + + + + + + + + " jtfsZfc + + + As UBC and the AMS struggled to cope with the deteriorating situa­ tion at home, the great financial crisis had finally hit abroad. Tensions imperiled between different ethnicities were boiling over and leaders acted out of fear rather than wisdom. At least, that's what we assume; the nucl ar war of 2012 wiped out all records of world events. But luckily, The Ubyssey secured its archives in-a place no human had laid foot in for university decades—Thunderhawks Arena—ensuring our hisWy would inform the future. AD E073-E18H Mutants consolidate gains AMS forms committee to debate a motion to do something about vengeful research animals Kimmy lUlakkitoff Finance Erin Tooter tried to Christmas Special break the deadlock. Commuter students outraged "I propose we create an en­ AMS Council continues to dowment fund to help the mu­ debate how to address the tant animals create their own problem of mutant animals sustainable community. We by failure of transit tubes lording over students on cam­ will call it the Almos Barnabas pus. Although a motion has Gusztav Zoltan Endowment UBC director of conveyance: "Just look at the FAQ on our website. COD." been on the table for three for Sustainability and months, the society remains Philosophical Enquiry. Almos paralyzed by infighting. Barnabas Gusztav Zoltan was Andron Gates nd "Still stuck halfway over asking what to do about maintenance ofthe tubes is "Obviously we need to take a 22 century Hungarian Christmas Special the Fraser River," Forestry cracks wide enough for considered a cost-recovery action," said VP Academic limerick writer. I'm not joking student James McAdams people to fall through. Our issue," said Ben Partie of Mike Pearson. "But we need about this proposal; it's a seri­ Students have been left thought on Thinkr, a tele­ strategy is clear: try to avoid AirLink. "We heavily subsi­ to do this in the right way. It's ous one and ifyou don't like it, seething over the failure pathic networking service. "I them." dize the system, so we need a politically sensitive issue, it's because you've sold out to of AirWay, the high-speed wish somebody would let me The AMS is trying to ad­ to reserve every bit of money and we don't want to alien­ mainstream values." tubes that transport stu­ down." dress student complaints.