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The Tightrope of Desire: a Qualitative Study of Sexual Conflict in Single Heterosexual Orthodox Jewish Men

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The Tightrope of Desire: a Qualitative Study of Sexual Conflict in Single Heterosexual Orthodox Jewish Men Psychoanalytic Psychology © 2017 American Psychological Association 2018, Vol. 35, No. 1, 31–37 0736-9735/18/$12.00 http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/pap0000151 The Tightrope of Desire: A Qualitative Study of Sexual Conflict in Single Heterosexual Orthodox Jewish Men Koby Frances, PhD The Graduate Center, City University of New York How do adults experience and manage their sexual desires, when these desires are laden with shame, guilt or religious transgression? This study looked at a group of 15 heterosexual, single adult men in the Orthodox Jewish community whose religious laws explicitly prohibit them from both masturbating and from expressing all forms of premarital physical intimacy. When these religious laws are internalized, the person can encounter a unique set of conflicts that can significantly impact his relationships, religiosity, and emotional well-being. Interviews focused on the different ways that men navigated these conflicts over the course of development. Findings point to 3 distinct conflict/defense positions that represent advancing developmental stages on the road to “sexual ownership”: (1) sexual disembodiment, during which the person’s desires are felt as irrational and senseless outside forces, split off from their otherwise purpose-driven self; (2) sexual internalization, where desire is felt as an anxiety-laden but tolerable part of the self, and the person manages his intrapsychic conflicts using a variety of mature defense; and (3) sexual integration, where the person accepts their sexual desire as an important part of the self that can be linked to other motives, needs, and conflicts. The factors that facilitate and obstruct the sexual ownership process are discussed. The generalizability of this process to other populations is considered, and clinical recommendations are provided for therapists who encounter sexual ownership problems in their patients. Keywords: premarital sex, psychoanalytic studies, sexuality research, qualitative research, Orthodox Jews How do adults experience and manage their sexual desires, Although a substantial literature on the sexual-religious con- when these desires are laden with shame, guilt, or religious trans- flicts of Christian single men and women (Rosenau, 1982) hints at gression from an early age? Could adults reared in such families the complicated psychodynamics of these experiences, no studies and communities, as Freud (1905) once hypothesized, be more in this literature have yet examined the ways in which these prone to experiencing various forms of pathology and distress, conflicts are dealt with on an individual level. In qualitative studies particularly before marriage when sexuality is more conflicted? of homosexual Jewish observant men (Coyle, 2001) and single, Although the impact of cultural “shame disgust and morality” heterosexual Orthodox Jewish men and women (Schachter, 2004), (Freud, 1908) on the psychosexuality of adults may now be less researchers have studied the sexual–religious conflicts of individ- insidious than for adults in Freud’s times, prohibitions around uals at the level of identity and social affiliation, but refrained from masturbation, premarital sex, and homosexuality continue to pro- asking participants to reflect upon actual sexual desire and action, liferate in certain strands of Christian, Jewish, and Muslim faiths leaving open many questions about conflict-defense functioning. even in today’s more sexually enlightened world (Cochran & This qualitative study examined the sexual–religious conflicts of Beeghley, 1991). In nonreligious populations, as well, attitudes of single heterosexual men in the Orthodox Jewish community by sexual shame, silence, and fear prevail in many families and allowing participants to define for themselves whatever types of communities (Levine, 2003). conflicts they experienced before, during, and after sexual mo- ments, and how they resolved these over the course of their development. The purpose of focusing on one gender of a homo- geneous cultural group whose conflicts play out under similar cultural conditions was to isolate the internal dynamics of this This article was published Online First June 19, 2017. Koby Frances now maintains a private practice in New York, NY. process, which would then highlight important psychological sim- I thank Danielle Knafo, PhD whose insightful comments helped to shape ilarities and differences. A more detailed overview of the culture and improve the paper. I am also grateful for the guidance and support of and socialization of Orthodox Jewish men will help to illuminate my doctoral dissertation committee at The City University of New York the nuances of their unique struggles. who supervised the research on which this paper was based: Jeffrey Rosen, PhD, Elliot Jurist, PhD, Henry Kronengold, PhD, David Pelcovitz, PhD Cultural Background and Lissa Weinstein, PhD. My thanks to Debbie Marton, PsyD for review- ing and editing earlier drafts of the paper. According to Orthodox Jewish law, all forms of premarital Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Koby physical intimacy and sexual activity are prohibited under a set of Frances, PhD, Psychologist in Private Practice, 352 7th Avenue, Suite religious laws commonly referred to as Shomer Negiah, which in 1105, New York, NY 10001. E-mail: [email protected] Hebrew translates literally to “observing touch.” Men and women 31 32 FRANCES who are not married are also forbidden from spending time alone conflicted topics of their personal development. This striking in the same room, a law called Yichud. Men are specifically “split” in their education and socialization can create a sense of prohibited from masturbating and from gazing at women in a being religiously in control, purpose-driven, and devout in most sexualized manner. These prohibitions, which are taught around areas of their life, while also feeling abnormal, dysregulated, and the age of puberty, go hand in hand with the ancient Jewish sinful in this one other “pocket” of existence. recommendation to marry as early as possible (Biale, 1997), a As a heterosexual male who was reared in the Orthodox Jewish practice that was historically observed in Jewish communities and community and who experienced these conflicts firsthand before that was often reinforced by larger societal norms and values marriage, I am aware of the diverse compromises that individuals around sexuality, dating, and marriage.1 make that allow them to be sexual and Orthodox at the same time The prohibitions around premarital intimacy are part of a larger without becoming overwhelmed. But as a psychologist who now tapestry of Jewish law, called Halakha, which Orthodox Jews see treats single men and women in this community who struggle with as a proscription for moral living and as a way to imbue their sexual–religious conflict, I have become increasingly sensitized to physical lives with spirituality and meaning. These laws, which are the fact that many can experience prolonged years of loneliness, ultimately derived from the Pentateuch, deal with a wide array of despair, and heightened levels of anxiety and depression. As one daily rituals and behaviors, from how one should pray in the 27-year-old interviewee shared, “I think that sexual–religious con- morning to how one should feed their pet. Whether each and every flict is the driving force for much of the depression that most law is always observed, the Halakha is often formally taught and people my age go through.” practiced from a young age and often becomes intricately linked to Because of the diverse ways that individuals in this cohort a person’s identity. Although violations of Orthodox Jewish law approach these conflicts, this study was designed to provide a are considered sins, or Aveirot, for which a person is required to comprehensive and organized understanding of their internal ex- repent, the emotional “consequences” of these violations vary periences. All of the compounding sociocultural factors discussed greatly, depending on the person and the type of law that is previously suggest that the sexual–religious conflicts of Orthodox violated and how purposeful or accidental the violation was.2 Jewish single men are unique and worthy of their own independent Once Orthodox men and women reach young adulthood, they study, though the ways that these conflicts are dealt with might face a conundrum unlike any other before, where they are encour- help us to more deeply understand the experiences of others, aged to interact frequently and intensely with members of the including Orthodox Jewish women, Christian and Muslim singles, opposite sex for marriage purposes but are, at the same time, and members of various religions and cultures who identify as forbidden from expressing any and all forms of physical affection. homosexual. Because their lives also intersect with the norms and values of the secular world through schooling, jobs, and popular culture, the Method Orthodox rules that have governed so much of their lives up until now may at this point seem unrealistic and outdated and may be Fifteen men between the ages of 22 and 39, who self-identified called into question or openly violated. as heterosexual and Jewish Orthodox, volunteered to discuss the Although many remain faithful to these laws despite the ten- intersection of their sexual and religious lives in one to two sions that they generate, many others may find themselves actively open-ended interviews. These men were recruited though online and
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