Man Woman Magic Book a Recipe for an Ideal Marriage

Jayasimha’s Man Woman Magic Book A Recipe for an Ideal Marriage

Squadron Leader Jayasimha Guinness World Record Holder Memory Maestro, Motivational Speaker, Trainer & Author Man – Woman Magic A Recipe for an Ideal Marriage

Squadron Leader Jayasimha

All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the Author.

Man Woman Magic 4 Foreword

Marriage is no child’s play. It calls for adequate preparation to ensure it does not land on the rocks. In a game, you either win or lose. But in marriage both parties have to win.

This treasure-trove of wisdom will go a long way in cautioning unwary couples planning to marry in haste. It will remind those serious about their relationship that there is much more to marriage than mere love and fresh air! And yes, it will strengthen the bonds of togetherness of couples who have begun to discover that something is amiss in their relationship.

I warmly recommend this Marriage Manual to all couples: those planning to get married as well as those who are students of life as we know it. As you go through this book, you will realize that it is not just theoretical knowledge, but a down-to-earth, practical book, full of rich insights.

I congratulate Squadron Leader Jayasimha on this commendable work and on the excellent presentation. This book adopts a novel approach to tackle a timeless concern called marriage and how to make it work.

Jayasimha’s book comes not just as a welcome breath of fresh air; but addresses a special need of the hour. This book provides not only inspira- tion but many opportunities for families to learn and grow.

I have known Squadron Leader Jayasimha for some time now. He is a person who can motivate, educate and inspire people with his own special sense of humour, with truth and honesty, and above all, with modern ideas clothed in home-spun wisdom.

Jayasimha is a self-made man. His passion for training and transforming people’s lives has enabled him to take off from his illustrious career in the Indian Air Force and become a successful trainer. He is a man who ‘walks his talk’. His many Guinness World Records are testimonials of his hard work and commitment.

I wish Jayasimha all the best in his future endeavours and wish all the readers of this book a happy married life.

With Best Wishes, Dr.B.V. Pattahi Ram Hypnotist & Personality Trainer

Man Woman Magic 5 Preface

How long does it take to know someone? Is a day enough? A fortnight, perhaps? A decade? There really are no rules in a relationship. Sometimes it can take a lifetime. Sometimes all it takes is a glance.

We need to understand relationships, which is why we have to ensure that our relationship with our spouse always stays special.

“Man is a knot into which relationships are tied.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, ‘Flight to Arras.’

Man remains knotted into many relationships all his life. There are some which he enters into of his own volition. There are others which are forced on him. For example, a romantic relationship is often a voluntary one. A person is under no compulsion to enter into such a relationship unless he himself needs it and is fully satisfied with what it entails.

Coming to instinctive relationships, the relationship between a man and a woman is the most fascinating of all human ties because of the special way in which nature has devised it, incorporating in it the important biological act of propagation of the species. There is some sort of magic in a perfect man- woman relationship. But at the same time, the acts that promote the magic between a man and woman can, if combined incorrectly, produce extremely injurious and devastating results. It is a relationship that has the potential to create or destroy, build or ruin. Another defining feature of a man-woman relationship, legitimized by marriage in the Man Woman Magic 6 normal course of things, is that it is meant to last for life. Rarely do other non-familial relationships turn out to be so long- standing.

The traditionally protective role of the man and the submissive role of the woman, which has remained the basis of a strong man-woman relationship for centuries, have now been supplanted by equality in partnership. Sharing each other’s travails and caring for each other have been imperative for the success of man- woman relationship at all times. Today, the role of each is also in empowering the other, tapping and promoting the other’s talents and providing opportunities for the other to bloom.

“A smiling face is half the meal.”

- Latvian Proverb “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country,” said US President John F. Kennedy in the 1960s. Though he spoke about one’s country, the statement is true of relationships as well. If a person is concerned more about enriching a relationship with his contribution, rather than reaping the benefits of it, it will be so much easier to have healthier, stronger relationships.

A happy marriage is heaven on earth, says the poet, a paradise that even the Gods yearn to enter. Even the best marriages, however, occasionally need to call on reserves of commitment, patience, grit and humour. Easier said than done, you think?

This book will answer the questions of all those men and women who have ever sat up at 2 am, ready to pull out their hair while pleading with their partners: “Why don’t you understand?” Relationships fail because men still don’t understand why a woman can’t be more like a man, and women expect men to behave just like they do. I am sure that this book will not only help you come to grips with the opposite sex, but will also help you

Man Woman Magic 7 understand yourself, and how you both can lead happier, healthier and more harmonious lives as a result.

You are holding this book for a reason. You may be hurting or confused over a marriage or a relationship that has been disturbing you for a long time. You may even feel threatened with what is ahead; a break in communications, a separation, or even a divorce. You are doing everything possible to avoid confrontation with your partner, and sometimes you are able to create the most ingenious plans to prevent pain or to put a band-aid on the bleeding wound of loneliness.

Do you want your marriage to improve and to last? If your answer is, “No, I’ve tried everything and nothing works,” then this book is not for you. You have made up your mind that your relationship is irreparable. It is over.

However, it is possible that in the privacy of your mind, there is a ray of hope that touches your heart and evokes lingering feelings of love and compassion. Although you hesitate to admit it, you want to say, “Yes, I want this marriage to work. This relationship is important to me. I want to restore it.” If this is the case, then this book is written for you. Stay with it! Give yourself permission to make a new beginning.

What do men and women want most from marriage? How can one bring back fun into a marriage? How does one find true love? This book reveals new strategies for reducing the tension and building mutual love and affection in relationships by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different. Relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict. In this book you will find practical suggestions about how to reduce frustration and disappointment and to create increasing happiness and intimacy.

Man Woman Magic 8 To get the most from this book, consider reading it slowly, underlining the parts that appeal to you, summarizing other parts and reading the summaries again at a later time. Write down, share and discuss some of your thoughts with your partner. Embrace the idea that you are fully in charge of your personal life and that you are capable of improving its quality. Above all, equip yourself with feelings of hope and courage. Anything is possible if you are willing to work at it. And when you have tried, you will know the deep satisfaction of a sincere effort to bring about a reconciliation and bring back love into your relationship. Why writing this book was so tough ?

This book took me two years, and more than ten scripts before I could bring myself to rate it ready for publishing. In the course of my research, I have studied papers, interviewed experts and held seminars throughout India. The biggest challenge I faced was when the entire script was accidentally deleted from my laptop after it fell victim to a nasty virus. At one stage, I was so depressed that I even thought of giving up on this book. Somehow, my inner voice told me to do it once again. Hence, I rewrote the entire script, pulling out all the notes I had compiled over so many months. But I never gave up hope: I knew I could do it and I also know that you will definitely like it and recommend this book to others too.

I am sure you will find this book sometimes challenging, sometimes startling, but always fascinating. While it is conversational, the beliefs and scenarios that range from the serious to humorous and the downright hilarious are sure to you have fun while reading it.

I thank all the thousands of people who have participated in my relationship seminars, shared their stories with me, and

Man Woman Magic 9 encouraged me to write this book. Their positive and loving feedback has supported me in developing this simple presentation of such a complex subject.

By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, I suddenly began to realize that marriage did not need to be such a struggle.

Remember one thing, friends: Marriages don’t fail, it is the people in it who fail. Marriage is a meal. And it is not true that the soup is better than the dessert. The truth is that the whole meal is great, provided you have the appetite for it. Let us enjoy this whole meal and let us sincerely make our marriages work.

It is never too late to increase the love in your life. You only need to learn a new way. May you always grow in wisdom and in love!

Wishing you all a happy and enriching married life………………

- Squadron Leader Jayasimha

Man Woman Magic 10 Jayasimha’s Man Woman Magic

Contents

1. The Better Half – Through the Ages ...... 10 2. Choosing Your Mate – Who am I to You...... 21 3. Hitting it Off – To and Fro Tamasha...... 53 4. Quarrels and their Causes...... 70 5. Success and Failure – When Remedies Fail...... 92 6. Divorce the Dragon...... 108 7. Changing Faces – Man – Woman Relations...... 122 8. How to handle your Husband?...... 142 9. How to handle your Wife?...... 169 10. Sex and Marriage...... 193 11. The lighter side of Marriage...... 228 12. Ten Commandments...... 271 About the author ...... 281

Man Woman Magic 11 Chapter-1

The Better Half – Through the Ages

“The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.” One of the most exciting, fascinating, memorable and important events in a person’s life is a wedding. Although live-in relationships are growing in number, it is an unassailable fact that the institution of marriage continues to arouse just as much interest as it did a thousand years ago and will remain so for generations to come. The greatest romantic movies ever made, the most magnificent love stories ever written concentrate upon a boy and a girl falling in love, and the anticipated problems of their caste, religion, social status and unwillingness of elders coming in their way of their marriage. Finally after overcoming all these obstacles, the couple – in most cases – is able to get married. That’s where most of the stories and the movies end, leading people to believe that life is a fairy tale and the fictional couple lived happily ever after. But is this always true? Sadly, it is not. Though marriages may be made in heaven, they have to be made to work here on earth. To make heaven on earth is a possibility that lies in the hands of the two partners. India has always been known for its rich tradition, values, culture and love for humanity. Even in the 21st century, the institution of marriage remains the foundation stone for the social conduct of people in society. “Whether you marry or don’t, you will repent for the rest of your life,” goes a popular tease. The truth is that marriage is like fizzy champagne, fun as long as the fizz, bubbles and froth are apparent. The secret of keeping the marriage fizzy

Man Woman Magic 12 lies in keeping the fun alive. When a couple no longer feels the sense of excitement and exhilaration in their marriage, it’s time to sit up and take stock and add some fizz and fun into relationship. Putting the zing back into your marriage requires effort and willingness. Marriage, after all, is no bed of roses: it has thorns that prick occasionally, causing hurt and grief. Marriage has been defined as a relationship, a human bondage entered by two human beings of the opposite gender, to live together till death does them apart. Marriage is a long-term, socially approved sexual union between two human beings of the opposite gender. Socrates defines marriage as an institution where a man looses his bachelor’s degree and the woman attains her master’s. The need for marriage is not limited to enjoyment and recreation alone. Procreation and propagation of our species plays a vital role in keeping the institution alive.. If there had been no sexual attraction and the urge for intercourse, the human race would have been wiped out long back. n the ancient days, like with animals, this male-female contact never ended in a long-term relationship. The mighty one had the right to have sex with any woman in the group while the weaker ones had to wait for their chance. Polygamy was not only prevalent but socially acceptable as well. As civilization advanced, man realized the need for a committed, long- term, monogamous relationship. This resulted in a settled life and infused a sense of joint commitment towards the upbringing of children. In the ancient system, the responsibility of bringing up the children rested with the mother and the society they lived in. Unlike many other relationships that were born out of the needs of steadily evolving societies, the amorous relationship between man and woman is timeless and ageless. It started long before history was recorded, when man lived unbound,

Man Woman Magic 13 in close communion with nature. Before kingdoms and civilizations were born, men and women probably loved and fought for the loved one’s hand. And hearts were conquered long before empires were. In Hindu mythology, the most celebrated man-woman magic is the love of Radha and Krishna. It is considered the most supreme form of love: an indissoluble and perfect union of man and woman. Eroticism is accepted as sacred in this concept and Radha’s pining for her lover is said to symbolize the yearning of the human soul for God. Forever united in their love, Radha and Krishna are, in a way, one. But they are split at the same time, because without the separation, there is neither relationship nor the compelling and rapturous sensual union. Krishna’s sensual love is, in fact, not restricted just to Radha. The sound of his flute is the call of love to all milkmaids who respond to it in ecstasy. As they dance in wild abandon to his music, they are considered as becoming one with God. The groups of milkmaids, or gopis as they are popularly known, are symbolic of individual souls reaching out to the divine. The man-woman magnetism is thus seen as the most powerful form of attraction, equated to a union with God. According to Christian belief, Adam and Eve were the first man and woman and so, the first lovers. The story is that God created Adam first. He then created various animals and birds as companions for him. But God realized that none of these creatures was suitable for man as a perfect companion. So he took one of Adam’s ribs and fashioned a woman out of it so that she would be “Bone of his bone, Flesh of his flesh.” So woman was created because man could not exist without her and she has no existence apart from him for she is a part of him. Here again, man and woman are one and separate simultaneously. This seeking of divine sanction for man-woman attraction, through scriptures, underscores the perfection that human beings saw in the mesmeric attraction the two sexes felt for Man Woman Magic 14 each other. In day-to-day life, this unique and exquisite relationship distinguishes itself from other forms of associations in many ways: Barring rare cases of friendship, this is the only relationship that lasts for life. Most other relationships are time-bound and automatically come to an end when the period is over. There are marriages that have lasted for unbelievably long periods. While 50-60 years of togetherness are what many couples manage to achieve, the following are marriages that have lasted for more than 80 years: 100-year-old Philipose Thomas and 99-year-old Sosamma were married in February 1918 when he was 13, and in class 7. She was 12, and one year his junior in school. A newspaper report in June 2005 documented that they had completed more than 86 year together. Mr. & Mrs. Arrowsmith, 105, and 100 years old, respectively, met in 1922 and married in June 1925. A news report from 2005 talked about how they had completed 80 years together and had obviously known each other longer than that. Taiwanese couple Liu Yung-yang, 103, and Yang Wan, 102, got married in April 1917 and in November 2002, had completed more than 85 years of married life. The astonishing thing about this couple is that they have been part of each other’s lives even before they wed in their late teens. Yang Wan had been sent to live with her future husband’s family, as per an erstwhile Taiwanese custom, when she was just five. Can there be a longer case of togetherness? Man and woman complement each other and so the lack of either can create a feeling of incompleteness, which the presence of a colleague or teacher or friend in life can never replace. The need for a partner is inherent in human psyche. “There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.”

Man Woman Magic 15 - Martin Luther The lack of a partner can cause an inferiority complex in a person. This is mainly because society has a tendency to be covertly sympathetic towards one without a partner. There is often a subtle hint that there is something odd about the person or that he or she is not good enough for anyone. Happiness is savored in full only with a marital partner who will enjoy the benefits of it and shows appreciation and admiration for his or her partner. It’s a very comforting feeling to know and be known by the person you love. Finally, there is the ultimate mystery of creation for which man and woman have to come together. The perfection of this magical act and the birth of the new individual in which the participants have fused is an exhilarating experience which everyone yearns to savor. The better half, the common phrase by which a spouse is referred to, means a larger or superior part of the whole. She is superior and all-important to him, the way he is to her. He could be her ego-destroyer by being better than her, while he could also be the ego-creator for she feels proud to be his. ‘A man cannot reason with the woman he loves: he cares about her too much.’ Those in love experience a unique chemistry, a combination of vibes, physical desire and readiness for submission to the other. Nature has woven all the three exquisitely into a sexually mature individual’s body and mind. You cannot promote it or resist it. It comes on its own, like a flood, inundating every pore of the individual’s body. Most people, at one stage or another, experience it. The interesting fact is that all of us come to know of the existence of this unique human propensity even before we actually experience it or even if we never happen to experience it. From

Man Woman Magic 16 childhood, we are told about this unique problem-solver emotion (or problem-creator in some cases) called love. Most fairy tales have charming heroes and heroines, who, at some stage of the story, fall in love with an equally attractive girl or boy. And their love, in most cases, is love at first sight: the lovers are blinded by their love. And the last sentence of the narration, almost invariably, is that ‘he married her and they lived happily ever after’, as if nothing else is required in life once you fall in love and marry the chosen one. So, from infancy, everyone is conditioned to believe that permanent happiness is achieved through a passionate romantic relationship.

Stories of Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc., are all examples of this way of thinking. A man meets a woman under the strangest of circumstances and instantly decides that she is the woman for him and vice-versa. They are ready to kill or die for that love. They cannot imagine having a relationship with anyone else. In the case of Snow White, the prince is ready to carry away the coffin of the dead Snow White for he is absolutely smitten by her and is sure that she is the girl for him, even though she is lifeless. In Sleeping Beauty, the prince wakes her up from years of slumber to marry her. The message of these stories is that where love is so perfect, the heavens too pitch in to do their share to unite the lovers. Fairy tales could be representative, at least symbolically, of pre-historic societies which might have been similar to today’s advanced societies in man-woman equality. Anthropological studies show that matriarchal patterns and women-centric philosophies which did not endorse male domination were common in pre-historic societies. We can presume that in the pre-agrarian age, the skills required for day-to-day survival did not require any gender-related abilities and so responsibilities were probably shared equally by members of both sexes. But the introduction of agriculture and development

Man Woman Magic 17 that required settling in productive lands promoted the need to acquire land and keeping full control over what has been acquired. Gender differentiation could have started from that stage when fighting, winning and the resultant control over what was acquired, became the man’s duty or prerogative. He was considered physically fitter than the female for that type of job. Man’s power gradually grew and from his ranks rose warriors, chieftains, and eventually kings and emperors who wielded enormous power.

As Dan Brown wrote in his description of the decline of the ‘Sacred Feminine’ in his book, The Da Vinci Code : “Women, once celebrated as an essential half of spiritual enlightenment, had been banished from the temples of the world. Mother Earth had become a man’s world.” A woman’s beauty became the yardstick by which she was – and in most cases, still is – evaluated. Women started being treated as spoils of fights, as chattels. Aiding to promote her inferior status was the fact that nature itself had placed her in an extremely vulnerable position in relation to the act of sexual intercourse. While a man could easily walk away if he made a ‘mistake’, a woman was forced to bear the result of the mistake all her life.

Thus, as societies evolved, the man-woman relationship became subject to the rules set by these patriarchal societies. People’s passions and emotions had to be channelised through the conventions of the society they lived in. Those who chose to follow the call of their hearts often had to challenge accepted practices, risking their very lives.

♦ The young Prithviraj Chauhan was a gallant prince and warrior who fell in love with Princess Samyukta, the princess of Kanauj. Princesses in those days had the freedom to choose a husband from among the many young men invited

Man Woman Magic 18 for the purpose, by the princess’s father, the king. This type of wedding was known as ‘Swayamvara’. But Samyukta’s father disliked Prithviraj and so for Samyukta’s ‘swayamvara’, he invited princes from all over the country, but not Prithviraj. To further insult Prithviraj, the King had a statue of him placed near the door, signifying that he was the doorman.

Samyukta, during the ceremony, walked amidst the rows of assembled princes with the garland in hand, but eventually chose to garland the statue of the doorman. Prithviraj, who was hiding behind the statue, sprang up, carried her away to his waiting mount and they galloped to safety and a new life, away from Samyukta’s displeased father. To be one with her lover, she had to sever relations with her father.

In his poem, Lochinvar, Sir Walter Scott describes a similar incident. Shakespeare’s ‘Othello’ also has the heroine, Desdemona, being forced to elope with her paramour because of her father’s opposition to the alliance. Despite the geographical distance and cultural disparity of the protagonists of these incidents, the dilemma faced by the young lovers is similar. The stories depict the struggle between society on one hand, which believes that it has the right to decide what is good for the youngsters, and on the other hand, youngsters in the flush of their first love, who are ready to take on the whole world.

By the Middle Ages, societies had become highly male-oriented, the way they still are to a certain extent, with women being forced to play a submissive and disadvantageous role. In these societies, a passionate romance or even a marriage provided the man with a sense of power akin to that of a conqueror who fulfilled his physical desires as he saw fit. Of course, sensual desires had a role to play in the case of the woman as well. But a

Man Woman Magic 19 predominant aspect that attracted a woman towards such an association was the fact that a romantic relationship, while it lasted, removed the inequalities between man and woman to a large extent. Lovers sought each other with the same intensity and it was the one stage when the man understood that the woman was absolutely indispensable.

Classics, in which the life of the then prevalent societies is reflected, take off from where fairy tales stop. In classics, success in love does not always come at the end of the story like in fairy tales. Romeo and Juliet, Laila and Majnoo, Heer and Ranjha, Salim and Anarkali, Devdas and Parvati, all fight a losing battle against society and give up their lives rather than give up their love. In these cases, where the lovers fail to unite by a twist of fate, they nevertheless become as much immortal in the words of bards and in the minds of their readers as those who fought for their love and won.

In many ancient societies, where society was more important than the individuals that unite to make it, love could be one- sided and intricately connected with honour as well. The story of King Menelaus and his wife Helen, whose face is believed to have launched a thousand ships, is a classic case in point.

♦ King Menelaus of Sparta played host to Paris, the prince of Troy, when he came to Sparta. Despite the King’s hospitality, when Menelaus was away, Paris brazenly abducted his wife Helen and took her away to Troy. When Menelaus came to know of this, he launched an all-out attack against Troy with the help of many other chieftains and kings who were rejected suitors of Helen! In a war that lasted 10 years, Menelaus was eventually successful and brought back his wife, even though countless brave

Man Woman Magic 20 soldiers, not to mention money and material were lost in the long, drawn-out war.

Perhaps such was the importance of a celebrated love during those days that all neighbouring kings and able-bodied men were expected to do their bit in safeguarding it!

This connection between love and honour has not entirely disappeared from societies even today. It is prevalent in many communities. But the way it is practiced today, this sense of honour does its best to disparage love rather than celebrate it.

From pre-historic times to the current is a long time and men and women have managed their amorous relationships, deftly balancing the norms of the times with the call of their heart. But one common thread that runs through all these – from fairy tales to soap operas – is the fact that true happiness exists only when lovers unite. Their coming together is made out to be the be-all and end-all for all desiring men and women. Where they fail to unite, they are doomed. Once they have united for life, nothing else matters.

In reality, is this how it works? Many think so. Many want it to be so. And many hope it will be so.

The truth is somewhat different. Unlike what we have been conditioned to believe by the ubiquitous ‘lived-happily-ever-after’ statement, getting married to the person you desire is not the end of the game. On the contrary, it is the beginning. The story starts when you start living the ‘happily-ever-after’ life. The days of courtship so overflow with exaggerated expectations, excitement about the unraveling of an unexplored world, and the promise of a lasting relationship, that people hardly pause to think about the more serious aspects of living together.

Man Woman Magic 21 What you see from a far is a mirage.

While I was in the Indian Air Force as a Flight Engineer, I used to watch a city from the cockpit of my AN-32 transport plane that was about to touch down. The land looked beautiful, almost like a painting. But as the plane descended and the picture became clearer and clearer, I could see the potholes and garbage dumps that dotted the city. And finally when the plane landed, I was often pushed into the sweltering 40oC temperature outside, in stark contrast to the air-conditioned comfort inside the plane.

LIVING TOGETHER IS NOT TOO DIFFERENT!

“Live for something rather than die for nothing. Every thing has been figured out, except “How to live Life”.

Man Woman Magic 22 Chapter- 2 Choosing your Mate - Who am I to You?

“Who am I to you?” asks the lover to the woman during the few stolen moments together at the seashore. She had hoodwinked her parents and braved the bad weather to be with him for those few minutes.

“I don’t know if the relationship has a name,” she replies. “All I know is that you are everything to me.”

Whatever statistics say, we become rather blinkered when we fall in love. And we think it is for life. We want it to be for life. We want it to be a perfect fit, a relationship that will go on and on, outlasting time.

Maybe that is why we say that marriages are made in heaven. In Indian astrology, there is a concept that is applied to man- woman relationship, referred to as sama saptama. This is explained as a condition where a man and woman are so made for each other that they have been, or are destined to spend not one but seven births together.

People choose to give such mystical sanctions to the male- female magic for they obviously see it as something stronger than mere physical attraction. While falling in love, you are becoming larger than yourself. The ego, which normally constricts or restricts you, is melting its boundaries and reaching out to encompass something more. The boundaries may harden again after the period of falling in love but the newly-hardened boundaries will be different in their size and scope. They now have the capacity to take in more, tolerate more and amoeba- like, can change shape now and then even while retaining its identity.

Man Woman Magic 23 To bestow on it, in the long run, that divine quality that we hope it to have, one of the mortal things that we can do is to choose well. That stage of life when we search for a mate is the most exhilarating period of our lives. It is exciting, overwhelming and confusing at the same time because a whole new world is opening up in front of us with infinite potential. In societies like ours, where parents do much of the searching, they too are generally on cloud nine during the matchmaking phase.

With all the magic of this relationship and the natural urge to forge that bond, it is a step that has to be taken with the utmost caution. Whether the decision descends on you like a tidal wave, or sneaks up from behind, catching you unawares, some sort of preparedness on your part is obligatory. A wrong step can get you mired in too much slush. So before you take the crucial step, ask yourself certain questions to check whether you are ready to enter into that most sacred of relationships. Compatibility is a key issue

Questions couples should ask themselves before marrying:

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before getting married. Here are a few important ones that couples should consider asking:

1. Are you getting married just because everyone else is getting married or just because you have reached the marriageable age as decreed by the society?

2. Is it the need to replace someone else, generally your parents and siblings, who you feel have outgrown their use, that prompts you into marriage, more than the need of having a perfect partner?

Man Woman Magic 24 3. Do you want a change in the situation that you have started feeling is mundane?

If your answers to the above questions are ‘YES’, then you are definitely not ready to choose the perfect partner. You are simply bored and a getting partner is one of the changes that you would like to try out.

But if the answers to all these questions is ‘NO’, and you still want to get married, you are ready to choose a partner for yourself. Here are some more for which you would have to answer in the positive in order to ensure that you are ready for a long- term relationship:

1. Do you feel the urge to enter into a committed relationship in which everything is shared?

2. Are you fully conscious of the compromises you will have to make in a marital relationship?

3. Are you conscious of the balances you will have to make in a marriage?

4. Are you sure that the attraction that you feel towards the person is over and above the sexual attraction that is felt towards many of the opposite sex at that age?

5. Are you ready to take up the responsibilities of a family?

6. Will you be ready to nurture the talents of a spouse where it exists?

7. If you both plan to pursue your respective careers, will the man help out with household chores without complaint?

8. Do you have a clear idea of each other’s financial status: whether you have any debts attached to your individual

Man Woman Magic 25 names? If yes, will you have to pay back those debts jointly after marriage?

9. How honest have you been with each other regarding health issues and discussing past relationships?

10.Do you understand each other well enough? Are you mentally compatible for a lifelong relationship?

11. Will there be a television in the bedroom? What if the woman wants to watch her daily soaps and the man his cricket? Should you opt for two television sets instead?

12. How important is religion to both of you? In case of an inter-religion marriage, will the woman be expected to convert or participate in family functions? What religion will the children be expected to follow?

13. Do you have to get along with each other’s friends?

14. Do you have value and respect each other’s parents, and what role will they play in your lives post marriage? To what extent should you pay heed to their advice?

15. If one of you were to be offered a career opportunity in a different city, are you prepared to move?

If the answer to all the above questions is in the positive, you are ready to enter into holy matrimony. Now, we shall analyze the premises one by one. A Committed Relationship:

“Relationship doesn’t start just by shaking hands… it blossoms by holding hands firmly in critical situations.”

Man Woman Magic 26 ‘A committed relationship, in which everything is shared,’ can rightly be called the definition of marriage. When we say share, it is obviously not just the physical space of a house or things like food or furniture that is referred to. The connotation goes much deeper into things like pain or pleasure and even the very sense of being alive. It is this feeling of sharing that makes even long- distance marriages often work beautifully.

♦ Durban was a political activist who had to spend substantial portions of his life in hiding because of his ideology. But because his wife Jenelia had married him with the full knowledge of his political leanings, there was no marital discord, despite his lifestyle. On the contrary, she just went on consoling him all his life, saying that she could manage the home and the kids on her own and that he need not worry about them. Jenelia’s friends and family often sympathized with her, as she was denied the small pleasures of togetherness and help that most women got from their man. But Jenelia, on her part, did not complain and the marriage survived because of her steadfast commitment to it. Compromises that you have to make

It is extremely rare that two people have such similar likes and dislikes that they never have to make a compromise. Making minor compromises while choosing a holiday destination and buying a piece of furniture is a routine argument with most couples. These are minor issues and a person who cannot compromise even on these would find it difficult to fit into any relationship. But there are larger compromises to make, when you might have to sacrifice career prospects in the interests of the family or vice-versa.

Man Woman Magic 27 Likewise, there might be problems with in-laws or the problem of staying in different places. All these would have to be faced as and when they surface and managed with an equal amount of adjustment or sacrifice from both parties. A person entering matrimony should be conscious of the fact that compromise traps are likely to spring up at every turn of marital life. Marriages where both are not ready for compromises are likely to die an early death.

♦ Harish and Sumita were married for six years when Harish raised the question of having children. Sumita seemed rather surprised by the suggestion. She said that she had made her position clear early enough, even before they got married. Indeed, she had made it clear that her career was very important to her and Harish had ensured that her career did not suffer because of any action on his part. But, children? She had never told him that she would not like to have children at all. However, Sumita insisted that when she said that her career was of utmost importance to her, it was implicit in that she could not in any way take time off to give birth to and then raise a child.

To avoid such situations, it is always better to make it clear to yourself, and where necessary to the other partner, where you plan to draw the line where compromises are concerned. Expecting the other partner to correctly guess tacit conditions underlying overtly made statements is not a nice way of entering into a marriage. Strange Sacrifice

“Birds that live in a lake will fly away when the lake dries up. But the lotus that grows in the same lake will die with the lake. A true relationship is just like the lotus.”

Man Woman Magic 28 He met her at a party. She was wonderful and had many men chasing after her. He was so ordinary that nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him. She was surprised, but being polite, she agreed.

They sat in a nice coffee shop. He was too nervous to say anything. She felt uncomfortable and thought, “I should go home.” Suddenly he called the waiter. “Would you please give me some salt? I’d like to put it in my coffee.”

Everybody stared at him. His request was rather strange! His face turned red, but still he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously, “Is this a hobby of yours?”

He replied, “When I was a little boy, I lived near the sea and I liked to swim in the sea everyday. The taste of the sea, it was just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now, every time I think of my childhood and hometown, I drink salty coffee. I miss my hometown and my parents who are still living there.”

While saying this, tears welled in his eyes. She was deeply touched. Here was a man who was homesick, just like her. Then she too started to speak, about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That led to a really nice conversation, also a beautiful beginning to their friendship.

They continued to date. She found that he was actually a man who met all her demands; he was loving, tolerant, kindhearted, warm, and caring. He was such a good person and she had almost let him go! Thank God for his salty coffee! Their story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married the prince and they lived a happy life. And every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that was the way he liked it.

Man Woman Magic 29 After 40 years, he passed away and left her a letter;

“My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life’s lie. This was the only lie I said to you, ever, about the salty coffee. Remember the first time we went out? I was so nervous at that time. Actually, I wanted some SUGAR, but I said SALT. It was hard for me to admit my folly so I just went ahead. I never thought that it could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I had promised not to lie to you about anything. Now that I’m dying, I have nothing to be afraid of. So I’d like you to know the truth; I don’t like the salty coffee, it tastes strange, and so bad. But I have had the salty coffee my whole life! Since I knew you, I never felt sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is the biggest happiness of my whole life. If I had my life to live over, I would still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I would have to drink the salty coffee again.”

Her tears dropped onto the letter, smudging the ink. One day, someone asked her: “What’s the taste of salty coffee?” “It’s sweet,” she replied.

Love is not to forget, but to forgive

Not to see, but understand.

Not to hear, but to listen.

Not to let go, but hold on!

Man Woman Magic 30 The balances you have to strike in a marriage:

“Love, with very young people, is a heartless business. We drink at that age from thirst, or to get drunk; it is only later life that we occupy ourselves with the individuality of our wine.” - Emily Elizabeth Dickinson

The heart, or rather passion, guides a romantic relationship before marriage and even during the honeymoon phase. But even while courting, young people should understand that a long married life cannot be based solely on passion. While passion and love play important roles in cementing a marriage, the relationship has to be balanced with liberal doses of competence and understanding of mutual needs.

♦ Sushmita was a buxom maiden, physically attractive. She had a talent for music as well. Lijesh was totally bowled over by her and during their courtship, they felt they were riding on some magic carpet. And whenever they discussed their likes and dislikes, it was almost as if each was simply echoing the other. Both were fond of music, traveling and playing chess. Things could not have looked better for them.

But after marriage, they found that life was not always about listening to music, traveling, or playing chess. Both were quite helpless where house management was concerned. Neither of them could cook nor manage servants. Nor were they good at paying bills on time. Since neither was conscious of the balances they might have to make in a marriage, neither bothered to take any training on the matter from their respective families before tying the knot. Had they given some thought to this practical day-to-day

Man Woman Magic 31 aspect of living together, it would have been so much easier for them to cope.

From this, we also understand that too much similarity in likes and dislikes can sometimes be counterproductive. Often, it is better that one person has some of the skills that the other person lacks. When one person is of a nervous disposition, it is better that the other is someone who does not get upset easily.

Blind passion sometimes makes us oblivious to these imbalances. So you need to try and maintain the correct balance between your head and your heart when you plan to plunge into matrimonial waters. One good way of doing this balancing act is to observe the relationships of others and learn. You can also be objective: try to watch your own relationship also from the outside, the way a third party is capable of doing. Then, the contributions of each to the relationship will become very clear to you. Distinguishing Between Love, Lust and Infatuation

The dividing lines between the three are very thin and often get blurred, more so when you are young.

Love, we can say, is more lingering. Lust is, clearly enough, more immediate. When you are in love, anything that a lover has left behind: a handkerchief, or a pen that he used, or a book he was reading, become attractive to you. You love just to touch or handle those objects again and again. In lust, this sort of lingering attraction is unlikely to remain. It is more physical and immediate and even when you yearn for it again, it is mostly the physical proximity and sexual closeness that you crave for.

Man Woman Magic 32 One way in which you can test yourself is by asking yourself whether you are likely to feel the same attachment to this person after 40 years when he or she would be old and without the same physical charm. If the answer is yes, you are surely in love. Likewise, you can ask yourself if you would be ready to put an end to the relationship to satisfy a career ambition or nurture a goal. If the answer is yes, it is more lust than love.

Infatuation is a trickier arena and has all the trappings of love, especially when you are young. If you easily feel jealous of the other and want him or her to avoid potential lovers, it is more likely to be infatuation than love. You also feel insecure and jittery in infatuation, especially if your feelings are not reciprocated.

Nowadays, many of our movies revolve depict teenage love stories. Students studying even in Class 10 or below are shown falling in love. The youth relate to this story, dream of seeing themselves in the shoes of the hero and the heroine. Hence, all these movies go on to become blockbusters. But what we need to understand is that love is more serious business than being simply attracted to the other person, singing songs around rose bushes or looking into each other’s eyes over a restaurant table.

When you are in doubt as to whether your feelings are only infatuation or true love, proceed slowly. When the relationship is given time, it will either blossom or wilt on its own. You can also keep yourself away from the person in order to test yourself. If you can find with ease other people and relationships that fill the gap, it is more likely to be infatuation. But if you miss the person badly, the emotion obviously leans more towards love.

Man Woman Magic 33 True Love

True Love is like a glass. A scratch anywhere will be visible from all sides. So always handle feelings carefully. Remember, scratches can’t be removed.

There was a blind girl who hated every one except her boyfriend. She used to say that she would marry him if only she could see him. One day, somebody donated their eyes to the girl. When she saw her boyfriend, she was shocked to discover that he was blind. He asked her: “Now will you marry me?” She refused. He smiled and went away, saying: “Take good care of my eyes.”

That is what true love is.

Capturing someone’s heart is very easy. But to remain in that someone’s heart is very difficult. So try to love the heart which loves you.

It was 1991. I was at the Air Force Academy as young Pilot Officer in the Indian Air Force. I was a bachelor, had a motorcycle and used to take pride in courting many girls. Most of us Air Force cadets were around 24 – 25 years of age and we were confused about love, lust and infatuation. At that time, I read about John Blanchard’s story, which I want to share with you regarding true love:

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army Uniform, studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station in New York City. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn’t: the girl with the rose.

Man Woman Magic 34 His interest in her had begun 13 months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off shelf, he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book he discovered the previous owner’s name, Ms Hollis Maynell. With time and effort, he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day, he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month, the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested for a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn’t matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting: 7 pm at Grand Central Station. “You will recognize me,” she wrote, “by the red rose I will be wearing on my lapel,” So, at 7 pm, he was at the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he’d never seen.

We will let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened next:

A young woman was coming towards me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were as blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her; entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips, “Going my way, sailor?” she murmured. Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was

Man Woman Magic 35 more than plump, her thick ankled feet into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit has truly companioned me and upheld my own.

And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible; her grey eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke, I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. “I am Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad we could meet. May I take you to dinner?”

The woman’s face broadened into a tolerant smile, “I don’t know what this is about son,” she answered, “but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!”

It’s not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell’s wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

“Tell me whom you love,” Houssaye wrote, “And I will tell you who you are.”

You may fall in love with beauty of any person.

Man Woman Magic 36 But remember, finally you have to live with the character not with beauty.

This story taught me that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and changed my perception about love as a young man. The Taj Mahal

I was posted at Air Force Station, Agra from 1985 to 1990, until I moved away for my pilot’s training at the Air Force Academy. Besides my studies, many things have happened in my life and I wanted to tell you something very close to my heart;

I was riding my Yezdi motorcycle with Aarti holding on to me tightly. I felt I was in heaven. December 1989, a beautiful full- moon night in Agra, the city of the beautiful Taj Mahal. We were riding back home after a night show at the cinema. As my bike zoomed over the railway bridge, a big truck suddenly appeared in front. I swerved and rammed into the wall of the bridge. The bike was totally smashed. Aarti was shivering with shock. It was miracle that we escaped with only minor bruises.

Aarti was Prof. Sharma’s daughter. I met her when I was posted as a Flight Engineer on AN-32 transport aeroplanes at the Paratroopers Training School in Agra. Fair, with large expressive eyes, dimpled cheeks, rosy lips, and long black wavy hair, she was stunningly beautiful.

Aarti used to make fun of me whenever I spoke in my broken Hindi. We soon became good friends. Movies, candlelight dinners, long hours in the beautiful parks around the Taj Mahal, holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes. Those were golden and romantic days.

It was time to propose to her. I went down on my knees and said “Aarti, will you marry me?” Aarti just blushed and said “Jai, I don’t think my parents will agree.” Aarti was a North

Man Woman Magic 37 Indian and I was from south India. She was a professor’s daughter, whereas I was only an airman on a meager monthly salary of Rs. 2000. After a long heart-to-heart talk, we decided to wait until I finished my higher studies. She held my hand. Her warm smile and shining eyes said, “I am proud of you.”

I completed my higher studies and was posted to the Air Force Academy at Hyderabad for further training. I did not want to go. Aarti made it clear to me that I should become an officer in the IAF and only then could we get married. I admired Aarti for her clear thinking.

The thought of separation was painful and unbearable. As I stepped onto the train, she said: “Jai, I am not going to be far away from you. Whenever you want me, peep into your heart. I will be just a heartbeat away.”

But as the train moved, she started sobbing uncontrollably. My eyes were filled with tears. I waved until she disappeared from my sight. When was I going to see her again?

Every day at the Air Force Academy, I looked forward to the postman. Aarti’s letters on pink paper filled my heart with joy and made me forget the hardship of training. But when the letters stopped coming, I was worried. I wrote many letters but received no response.

Months later, I received a bright yellow envelope. The words ‘Aarti weds Sanjay’ on the outside were an unkind bolt from the blue. I read it over and over again. Why did Aarti do this to me? What did I do wrong? I was tortured with thoughts of whether the other person was better, more handsome than I was.

I felt cheated and angry. If she didn’t want me in her life, then why should I bother about her? The energy and joy went out of my life. Years passed, I too got married. Fifteen years have passed since I have seen Aarti. Man Woman Magic 38 Three years back, Wing Commander Sri Kumar called me and said: “Jai, can you conduct a two-day training program for my staff at Agra?”

There I was in Agra walking around our erstwhile favourite spots. As I drove over the bridge, I remembered the accident with Aarti. I was filled with sweet and sad memories.

I decided to meet Prof. Sharma. He had grown old but recognized me. He hugged me affectionately. We sat drinking tea and sharing memories of my college days. I asked him: ‘Sir, how is Aarti? In a choked voice, he replied, “After you left, a marriage proposal came her way. She bluntly refused until a Swamiji who read her horoscope said: “Anybody marrying this girl will die in a year.” We were all shocked to hear this. But strangely, Aarti, who had kept saying no to the proposal, suddenly said yes. Jai, would you believe me if I said Aarti’s young husband died of a heart attack a few months later? From that day, she hasn’t spoken to anyone much. She teaches at the college and refuses to get married again.”

I was stunned. I felt as though the ground under me had collapsed. I realized why Aarti did not marry me. Oh, how wrong I had been all this time. As I walked out of the house, I could see the Taj Mahal in the distance. I felt as if it was mocking me. I didn’t sleep the whole night.

I decided to meet Aarti at Alighar Muslim University where she works as a lecturer. It was the best moment of my life. We sat and talked for hours of the romantic time we had together. Then it was time for me to say good-bye. The next morning, I was shocked to see her at the railway station. She held my hand and said ‘ Jai, don’t ask me why I didn’t marry you.

Man Woman Magic 39 Thanks for the good times we had together. Take care of your wife and children.”

As the train moved, she started sobbing. My eyes were filled with tears. I kept waving long after she disappeared from sight. When was I going to see her again? Oh my God, I could understand her emotions. Why had life been so cruel to her?

Friends, today sharing this unforgettable incident with you, I realize that Aarti had built a Taj Mahal in her heart for me. She sacrificed her love for me, so that I could enjoy a long and happy life. Today I understand the meaning of true love. Aarti is miles apart, but as I peep into my heart, I can see her beautiful face. She lives on in my heart forever, because she is only a heartbeat away…

And life goes on……. Taking up the responsibilities of family

Indian scriptures consider Grihasth-ashram, or the life of a householder, the most important of the four stages of life. When two people remain committed to each other’s welfare, and make sacrifices to ensure the other’s happiness, they will find great satisfaction in the relationship.

When you have children as well, it becomes your duty to put the family’s needs before yours. The spirit of sacrifice is thus developed in human beings when they take up the responsibility of a family. In middle class families, parents have to forego many comforts to give children the best education. Wealthier parents too have to make sacrifices of time, pleasure, etc., for their family, though of lesser dimensions than that of the poor. It is this readiness to sacrifice that a person must have when he plans to become a householder.

Man Woman Magic 40 ♦ Some South Korean fathers are said to bend over backwards to send their wife and children abroad and ensure that children get a good education. Some fathers end up spending as much as 90 percent of their monthly salaries on sending their children abroad. So much so that locals have given them a soubriquet - kee rug-e appa (wild-goose father). They are so called because adult geese are believed to mate for life and give their lives for their offspring. Nurturing the other’s talents

All of us are conscious of the privileges and perks that come with marriage. Security, friendship, an orderly house, hot meals, the pleasure of being known as somebody’s own, etc. etc. are just some of them. When assessing a potential partner, most people try to gauge how much of these benefits the other party will be able to provide and how much is one’s own share in providing those comforts. But rarely do people pause to consider what one can do to nurture the innate talents a spouse may have.

In earlier marriages, people generally slid into their conventional roles of breadwinners and homemakers, giving scant regard to nurturing each other’s talents. This is no longer the case. Most people have special interests like music, painting, sports, or other games and there should be space in a marriage to develop these interests. There should also be a readiness on each other’s part to help improve the other’s talents.

♦ Priya and Vinod had discussed their likes and dislikes in detail before they married. Vinod was interested in music and Priya in sports. So Vinod even brought home a second TV on which she could watch the sports channels

Man Woman Magic 41 uninterrupted, while he could surf channels of his choice on the other.

But there was a difference in the way the two wanted to pursue their interests. Vinod’s interest in music was satisfied by buying and listening to cassettes and attending an occasional concert. Priya, on the other hand, was not satisfied with just watching sports. She wanted to join a sports club and learn tennis. This request upset Vinod. He asked her why she had not pursued it till now, if she was so keen. She said that she had financial constraints and anyway lacked facilities in the place she grew up. She wanted to start before it became too late. She eventually had her way, but not before a lot of chafing which left long-lasting scars on the relationship.

Everybody may not have this sort of a passion for a game or an art, but when it is present, the other party has to support and help nurture it. One might have to make some sacrifices in doing so, but it is something that has to be done. So better ask yourself whether you are willing to do it.

You need to ask yourself this question to ensure that you are ready for marriage. Once you feel that you are ready, you have to pick and choose. In India, the prevalence of arranged marriages substantially reduces, for youngsters, the burden of selection. Many family members who seem to enjoy matchmaking are only too keen to do the sleuthing themselves. At the same time, there are plenty of young men and women who prefer to make their own selection, in their own way.

Whoever does the scrutiny, there are many things that should be compared and discussed before finalizing a marriage. Even where the preliminary inquiries have been done by friends or family, the boy-girl confabs and tête-à-têtes should not be relegated to

Man Woman Magic 42 the backseat. The meetings are crucial for clinching the deal and preventing future mishaps.

Of course, no amount of prior discussion is a fool-proof remedy for avoiding future catastrophe, for the type of intimacy and adjustment that a marriage demands is not possible to be rehearsed in advance. Nevertheless, discussions do help, and the following are some of the things that eager beaver lovers can fruitfully talk about.

Couples need to nurture and understand each other to grow:

A certain man planted a rose plant and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, “How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom, it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

This is one of the characteristics of love... to look at a person, know their true faults and accept that person into

Man Woman Magic 43 your life... all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the rose within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.

Similarly, with proper patience and perseverance, we all can turn our weaknesses into our strengths. Discuss the similarities in family background, upbringing, etc.

Bards of immortal love have always felt it important to uphold that contrasting family backgrounds can never stand in the way of their union, despite society’s belief to the contrary. This could be true to a certain extent but you can never compare whirlwind romances to regular marriages. In a regular marriage, it could be helpful if the two individuals come from similar family backgrounds. In this situation, the value systems and the level of creature comforts that each is used to, is comparable, making adjustments in that area a lot easier.

This is not to say that everyone prefers a mate from a similar background. There could even be people who feel exactly the opposite. Whether the similarity is perceived as an advantage or disadvantage depends mostly on the viewpoint of the people involved.

♦ Michael and Miranda met at a mutual friend’s house and started meeting each other more frequently after that. They shared interests in books, traveling, etc. But both were hesitant to talk about their families and childhood. Finally one day, Miranda opened up and said that she came from a broken family. Her parents had divorced when she was hardly eight years old. Her father had gone abroad to seek a living and her mother had married a man who was not ready to

Man Woman Magic 44 take up the responsibility of his stepdaughter. She had lived with her grandmother who had brought her up to the best of her ability.

Michael was surprised when he heard the story, for it was like listening to his own. He too came from a broken family and had grown up in an orphanage. He knew the pain and the complexes that were part of that sort of life. When he told her all this, Miranda heaved a sigh of relief. All these days she had held back her story for she was afraid of being rejected when he found out about her background. But now she was sure he would not because he would be able to empathize with her situation.

Of course he was able to empathize. But ironically, he did not want to walk down the aisle with her. Having lived all his life without a family, he was keen to marry a girl who had a family so that he could be part of one and have people whom he could call relatives.

This is a case where we find similar backgrounds acting as a hurdle in uniting the couple. Whether they find similarity a plus or a minus, every lover has the right to know about the background of the other. Unimportant as this may sometimes be, it should preferably be revealed early enough in the relationship. It is a factor – the acceptability of which can be decided instantly – before getting into more important details. So open up about it to your boy/girl friend early enough, without hiding anything. Share your Beliefs and Ideas

Making clear one’s religious and ideological beliefs to each other will also help a lot in clearing the ground for selection. There is no reason that inter-religious marriages cannot work well. But

Man Woman Magic 45 for it to work well, the couple should make clear, their level of commitment to a system or belief. If both are just sympathizers to different causes, adjustment problems are likely to be minimal. Even when one person is just a sympathizer to a cause and the other is committed to another cause, there may not be much difficultly. However, if both are fanatically devoted to different causes or faiths, there could be difficulties later on. Sharing similar interests and hobbies is usually not enough to overcome hurdles posed by contrasting religious beliefs. So it would be better to analyze how much of one’s faith and convictions one wants to cling on to, and how much one is ready to give up for marital adjustment.

It might be difficult for many people to make compromises on the values they hold dear, although they may be ready to sacrifice their time or hobbies to keep a marriage going. It is in the best interests of both parties have a clear view of each other’s values and beliefs early on in the relationship.

♦ Sohan and Shiny were colleagues; their relationship had blossomed in the laboratory they both worked in. They became closer when they came to know that they had the same political leanings. They belonged to different faiths but Sohan did not care much about that, for he was not a deeply religious person. But as they came closer and talked more, they found themselves having arguments. Sohan found that Shiny was deeply committed to her religion. He found it very difficult to accept this, for blind faith was something he could not reconcile with, no matter what the religion was. So he chose to put an end to their relationship, rather than making things more complicated. Had they not had so many discussions, he would never have imagined that she had such a facet to her personality, given her scientific temperament and political leanings.

Man Woman Magic 46 Discuss your attitude on saving, spending, etc.

In most marriages these days, both the husband and the wife have jobs. However, for spending or saving to be done jointly, both need to have the same outlook on money matters. Some people are compulsive spenders who like to spend time in shopping malls, eat and drink and see a movie in a multiplex; others could be careful spenders who prefer to save for a rainy day instead of taking each day as it comes. It would be in the best interests of both partners if they could thrash out this point before getting married: decide whether they will be able to cope with each other’s habits. In many Indian families, there is the added responsibility of contributing towards the education of a younger sibling or looking after an aged parent. Where such responsibilities exist, the other partner should be briefed well in advance.

♦ Chaya had finished her teacher’s training. Her marriage to Dushyanth, close on the heels of finishing the course, was an arranged one. Though Chaya knew before the wedding, that Dushyanth had two unmarried sisters, she did not have any idea about the real extent of his financial responsibilities.

She did not become unduly upset when she understood that he was burdened with the problem of earning money for the two weddings. But her decisions were quick and she declared that she too would pitch in to help him accumulate the money required. She started searching for a job and enlisted her sisters-in-law’s help in enrolling some children for a tuition center she planned to run in the evenings. She told her husband that they would work hard and save money so that they could complete their responsibilities first and then think of starting their own family.

Man Woman Magic 47 But Chaya found that her enthusiasm was met with a cold shoulder. Dushyanth’s family detested her openness in earning money to solve ‘their’ family’s problem. They did not want anyone to know that the head of the family, Chaya’s father-in-law, did not have the money for his daughters’ wedding. They chose to do things hush-hush, rather than admit their problems. Chaya was told that her help was needed only in the kitchen, not in earning.

Chaya could not adjust to this attitude of hiding the problem rather than tackling it headlong. As days passed, she found that her husband was not strong enough to take a stance on his own that was at variance with that of his parents. This led to arguments and their eventual separation.

If the man had been open about his responsibilities before they were married and the couple had got the chance to discuss their viewpoints on how to resolve the issue, things might have taken a different turn. Perhaps the marriage might not have taken place if they felt that their views were too divergent to allow a compatible life together. Or Dushyanth could have made Chaya’s views on saving and sharing clear to his parents, and tried to make them come round to her point of view.

When my friend Ayush got married to Jyotsna, he had two sisters who were yet to be married. He had openly discussed the issue not only with his wife but with his in-laws as well. All of them understood the need for his contribution. His wife and he worked hard for five years to finish off all their responsibilities before they started their own family. I still remember how his wife, despite earning a paltry sum as a teacher, used to contribute both financially and emotionally in fulfilling Ayush’s responsibilities. Hence, proper discussion always leads to good understanding and happy living.

Man Woman Magic 48 Explore your views on having children

Children form the apex point of the marriage triangle, money- wise and affection-wise. Most people view having children as something most wonderful and absolutely vital to a happy life. Nevertheless, there are a substantial number of individuals who think differently. Even where both husband and wife want children, there could be a difference of opinion in the timing and spacing of children, sharing the work of raising children, on whether children should be sent to a boarding school or not, and to what extent each partner is ready to sacrifice career, time, hobbies, etc. to bring up children.

♦ Asgar and Neha were both fond of children and were thrilled at the prospect of having them. They were overjoyed when they had twin boys. But neither of them was ready to take a break from their jobs. For one, they were not ready to sacrifice their career prospects and also because the combined income was necessary, to bring up not one, but two children.

The first person they turned to for help was Neha’s mother. She agreed to look after the twins but could not relocate. So she could only take the children to her home – a place, six hours away from where Asgar and Neha lived – and bring them up there. She said that Neha could bring them back when they were old enough to go to school.

But Asgar found it difficult to be separated from the boys. He said he would employ a full-time nanny for the babies. But since both of them did not trust the nanny to do a good job while they were away at work the whole day, Asgar suggested that he would bring his mother over to supervise the nanny. His mother was not in the best of health but could keep an eye on her, at least. Neha did not want the

Man Woman Magic 49 presence of the domineering mother-in-law around, especially since she could not be of much help. Worse, they would have to get a cook too, if her mother-in-law was around, thus adding to the number of employees and expenses of their household.

No scenario could be worked out on which both Asgar and Neha could agree. The children were shifted from crèche to crèche and different grandparents. Both partners’ families tried to help with their differing suggestions, eventually turning the whole issue into a full-fledged confrontation between the families itself. At the same time, the problem also led to Asgar and Neha suffering problems at their respective workplaces. Worse, the babies’ health suffered too.

Of course, situations like these cannot always be foreseen before marriage and have to be faced as and when they arise. But Asgar and Neha only asked each other whether they wanted to have children and were overjoyed when both concurred. If they had talked in more detail about these issues, the situation might have been under better control when the children were born. Share your behavior patterns

Compatibility between your behaviour patterns could also be a factor that could be gratifying or galling. To be compatible, behavior patterns need not be identical. They could be very different and still be suitable to each other.

♦ “Are you an early riser?” Sankar asked Prema, his possible bride-to-be.

“Yes, I am. I always get up early and when I have work I get up by about 3 o’clock in the morning,” She replied.

Man Woman Magic 50 “But I am not an early riser,” he countered. “I sleep late and get up quite late. Especially on Sundays and holidays, I prefer to get up around noon.”

“I would love it to be like that,” she replied. Sankar looked at her in surprise, wondering what was there to be so happy about a husband sleeping until noon. But Prema had her own reasons. She was a freelancer who liked to get up early and write uninterrupted for a few hours, especially on holidays. A husband who would sleep late without bothering her was the best thing that could happen to her. Discuss your Hobbies, Food Habits, etc.

Sometimes smaller things hurt more in life than bigger ones. For example, you can sit on top of a mountain but you can’t sit on the tip of a needle.

When hobbies are similar, it is obviously an advantage. But differing hobbies need not create too much of a problem. For example, if one partner’s hobby is collecting stamps while the other’s is reading, there could be no problem. But there are hobbies, which, when loved by one and shunned by the other, could create problems.

♦ Traveling was Anisha’s prime interest in life and she had always been able to satisfy this interest. Her parents were travel addicts and as she grew up, she got plenty of opportunities to travel in groups with friends. She traveled at least twice a year during holidays. But, Satish, her groom-to-be, was different. Books and golf were his interests. When they understood this, Anisha’s parents decided that it would be better not to go ahead with the proposal. “But I can always travel on my own, or with

Man Woman Magic 51 other groups,” Anisha protested, for she felt that incompatible hobbies was not a strong enough reason to drop a proposal. But her parents, worldly-wise, felt otherwise. Traveling alone, or with other parties, is not what a husband would appreciate in the long run, they insisted.

Food habits, even when they are different, may not be a problem, for you can always have one’s preference for lunch and the other’s preference for dinner. Nevertheless, because of the permanent nature of this relationship, the difference in culinary habits may cause problems if some people are too insistent on a specific type of cooking.

♦ Chitra’s and Suresh’s was a whirlwind romance. They had met in Singapore at a cultural programme where they had gone as members of an Indian troupe. Both were folk artists from their respective states – Bengal and Kerala – and each liked the other’s art form very much. They became each other’s students and soon decided to take lessons from each other for life.

As far as their artistic lives went, they seemed made for each other. And there was no problem as long as they lived and ate with their respective troupes, although both complained a lot about the unappetizing food. But once they set up house together, differences in food habits became an insurmountable problem.

Suresh knew no other cooking medium than coconut oil and Chitra couldn’t even conceive cooking in anything other than mustard oil. Leave alone relish the food cooked in mustard oil, Suresh could not even stand the stench emanating from the kitchen when mustard oil was smoked. As far as Chitra was concerned, coconut oil was meant to

Man Woman Magic 52 be applied to one’s hair, not used as a cooking medium. Though the marriage dragged on for a year while Suresh mostly ate out, they were forced to put an end to the relationship soon after their first wedding anniversary.

Incredible as it may seem, even differences in culinary habits can drive a wedge between partners. So try to understand as much as you can about the other person before you finally tie the knot.

Finally, there is one major principle that you should stick to… …Never lie or hide things during courtship

Bad though lying is, there are many occasions in life where you are forced to lie or at least come up with a white lie to save a situation, avoid a quarrel, or prevent heartache to another. You may do it to a spouse, or to a colleague or superior in the office. But if there is an occasion when you should not lie, it is during courtship. A lie made during courtship, if detected later, can have very bad consequences. Sometimes, in order not to lose a beau, people tend to lie about or hide unsavoury things.

♦ Arun and Vanaja were colleagues and the relationship that finally led to their marriage blossomed in their office. Since they worked together, their work ethics and capabilities were quite clear to both of them. It was their family details, hobbies and other preferences that they had to explain mutually. Both of them did a good job of it, and discussed thoroughly the matters that would affect their married lives. So it became quite easy for both to adjust after they got married and started living together.

However, unknown to Vanaja, Arun had distorted the truth slightly where his parentage was concerned. His mother was a divorcee, a fact which carried some stigma in the

Man Woman Magic 53 community to which he belonged. Worse, his father was not someone whom he could boast of, the reason why his mother had decided to sever relations with him. But Arun had told Vanaja that his father had died when he was very young, in order to bury the unpleasant truth.

A few years later, Vanaja came discovered the truth through a third party. The fact that Arun had lied to her so shocked her that thereafter she found it difficult to believe anything he said. In fact, she would have admired her mother-in- law had she known that she was a woman who had the courage to walk away from a bad marriage despite opposition from the community. But now, she started disliking her mother-in-law as well. Though the marriage was eventually saved by the interference of friends and by continuous counseling, the fact remained a bone of contention and continued to raise its ugly head at the slightest provocation.

So brushing things under the carpet does not benefit anyone, especially the person doing the hiding.

In short, if you are thorough, cautious and open while choosing the partner, a lot of heartache can be avoided later. On the contrary, if you hurry with the selection and gloss over details, those buried details can sometimes boomerang in the most unexpected of ways. “There are only two people who can tell truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a wife who loves you.”

Man Woman Magic 54 Chapter -3

Hitting It Off – The ‘To And Fro’ Tamasha

“Love in marriage could be proportionate to our ability to meet the daily problems of living together.”

Most marriages begin with a couple falling in love. Now, ‘falling in love’ could mean falling in love with a beautiful face, a sweet voice, a shapely body, or a charming personality. It could mean running up the steps to meet your girlfriend and standing in the window as your boyfriend drives away at the end of a date. It could mean lazy dreams of a future with him and a restless urge to be at home with her. But this type of love is divorced from reality. As the months pass, this blind compulsion either grows into something stronger, more meaningful, or withers away and dies.

It is said that the thrill of every achievement is in the anticipation of that success and not in the actual triumph itself. Once you reach the summit, you feel that it is not as big a deal as you had anticipated. And you feel exhausted too. When the excitement of the trek is over, weariness becomes more manifest.

A marriage is not much different. Being in love is so much its own reward that you hardly think about later scenarios that involve the pressures of work and adjustment to the likes, whims and fancies of another individual. During courtship you see matrimony as the clear waters of a lovely lake on which you can row your boat forever. After marriage, you find that the boat needs round- the-clock maintenance so that water will not seep into it and sink it. You have to be an expert navigator to steer this matrimonial boat and not simply be the holiday rower you were when you fell in love.

Man Woman Magic 55 ♦ Sundar was an engineer with a good government job. His doctor bride was carefully chosen for him by his parents. And he was equally carefully chosen by the bride’s parents for their daughter. This is not to say that it was a traditional marriage where the bride and groom did not know each other until their wedding day. They had plenty of opportunities to meet and talk over coffee and ice-cream and share their ideas.

Sumana is Sundar’s friend. She couldn’t attend his wedding but when she met him six months after his marriage, he was on top of the world. He was effusive in his praise of his new wife. “She is the best doctor in that nursing home even though she could probably be the youngest. She is so good in her work that the senior doctors do not let her take even one day’s leave.”

About a year after that, Sumana met his wife for the first time at a function. But Sundar paled, when Sumana jokingly said to his wife: “The senior doctor did give you a day off, after all, didn’t he?” He dragged Sumana away and whispered: “I divorced the doctor. This is my second wife.”

“Why did you divorce the first one?” Sumana asked. “Oh, we could not hit it off,” he shrugged his shoulders.

Doesn’t that make you wonder what went wrong? The bride and the groom and their respective parents were all involved in the selection process. Yet, it did not click.

♦ At the other end of the spectrum is Nirmal and Manju’s marriage in a remote village of Bihar. When the wedding was fixed, Nirmal was aghast for he was hardly out of his teens. Keenly conscious of the downsides of such an early marriage, he had requested his father not to go ahead with it. But his father had very different ideas. Man Woman Magic 56 “No, you have to,” he decreed. “I have already given them my word.”

“But why did you, father? Why can’t the marriage wait…?”

“The marriage can’t wait. Can’t you see that your mother is not able to cope with the heavy housework in this joint family? She needs help to knead the dough for so many and fetch water from the village well. Why else do you think I arranged this match?”

The most outlandish reason to get married! But the fact remains that the marriage itself was successful. The young couple continued to remain married without any complaints, doing things together.

This is definitely not to justify the latter type of marriages. This is only to suggest that the reason for the failure of the former and success of the latter could be due to the difference in the level of expectations. Different people expect different things out of a marital relationship. In villages, the upbringing is such that the adjustment, especially from the woman’s side, is very high: she does a lot and expects very little in return. The man could also often be quite accommodating. We see here in Nirmal’s case that he is quite pliable, surrendering his likes to that of his father’s. When the participants are so easily mouldable, marriages are unlikely to come unstuck so easily.

In the case of Sundar and his first wife, their individual personalities were probably fully formed before they got married. Each could have fixed expectations on how they should be treated by the other partner. When they see that those comfort levels are not met with, they tend to recoil from each other. In such marriages, circumstances or situations that crop up may be of no consequence to one partner but might appear quite vexing to the other. And when a third person hears the story, he may find it difficult to

Man Woman Magic 57 believe that a marriage could come to an end for such a silly reason.

It is almost impossible to solve adjustment problems arising out of these special cases of likes and dislikes, unless either of the two is ready to concede and grant the other’s wish. But there are other problems, more common ones, which desecrate this relationship that people want to believe is holy. Our lifespan being what it is, no couple can afford to deal with each problem using the trial and error method. So we need to learn from others’ mistakes and use it on ourselves. Here are some of the rules that can be effectively used to reduce unromantic imbroglios in romantic relationships. All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different – John Berger

Always avoid finding fault with the other partner. Whenever there is a problem, try to see where you have gone wrong and acknowledge it.

♦ Nilima worked in a stock broking firm, which is why her husband Gaurav told her that she should do the job of investing their savings properly. But she had no aptitude for investing and said that Gaurav could invest the money however way he wanted. She joked that she knew only how to earn and not to invest.

Gaurav chose to invest most of their savings with a financier. Unfortunately, the financier went bankrupt and the couple lost all their money. Gaurav became so depressed with the loss of money and his sense of guilt that even his work started getting affected.

Man Woman Magic 58 “Why do you want to take all the blame yourself?” asked Nilima. “Am I not equally responsible? It was a task that you asked me to share and I refused. Even when you asked me whether it was safe to invest with this one, I didn’t help you check the credentials of the financier. I cannot be exonerated just because I kept mum. The responsibility for the mishap lies with both of us and the guilt is a shared one.”

This readiness on the part of his wife to share the guilt lessened Gaurav’s self-reproach substantially and slowly, his mental and emotional condition started to improve.

Even when both parties are equally guilty, admit your mistake and apologize for it. Do not insist that the other party should apologize first.

♦ Suhair and Nina bought a house in the suburbs after much thought. A house in the suburbs obviously meant longer hours spent on commuting but they chose to buy a house there because the area was comparatively cheap and so they could have a bigger house. Further, both of them were nature lovers and the wooded area and pond near their house offered them a satisfying view.

But once they started living in it, they found things turning out to be more difficult than anticipated. A 9 O’clock bus from the suburbs to the city, which they hoped to use, changed its timings. Around the same time, Nina accepted a new job which made her commute longer. Further, domestic help was unavailable in the new place so that the load of housework, which they had to share between them, increased substantially.

Man Woman Magic 59 Both of them started getting irritated. Though both were responsible for the decision, neither was ready to admit their part in the misstep and apologize. Instead, each started blaming the other saying that he/she is the one who first mooted the idea or more strongly advocated it. The quarrels, obviously, did not help in finding a solution to the problem. Worse, the bickering steadily weakened what they had believed to be a perfect bond…...

In the above instance, if either of them had apologized for their part in the decision, the other too would have followed suit. Then the resentment would not have built up. And without resentment, it would have been easier to discuss the solutions for their problem. But instead, each expected the other to say sorry first. Both thought it beneath their dignity to admit that what they thought was a good idea was, in fact, a wrong one.

In most cases, when one person admits to his part in the oversight, the other does the same. But there could be instances when one refuses to apologize even after the other has done so. Do not take offense at this either. This is because some people find the act of a formal apology too repellent. They may try to make up for their wrongdoing in their own way. This may be through a gift, by sharing housework, fulfilling a long-delayed promise or through an act of physical intimacy. So keep your eyes and ears open for feelers through which the other is trying to apologize. Acknowledge it, rather than keep the fight alive on the pretext that a formal verbal apology has not been made.

Never allow a spirit of vengeance into your relationship.

A little temper is natural in most human beings. There could times when a minor problems turns into a shouting match even though the occasion does not warrant it. When the person cools down, he or she must be made to understand that the shouting

Man Woman Magic 60 was quite out of place and such behaviour must not be repeated. Instead of that, some people nurture a strong resentment for what they consider to be their humiliation and wait for an opportunity to ‘get even’ with the other.

♦ Suma, a bank employee, and her husband Jayant, a small scale businessman, were attending at a party at a friend’s house. Jayant always had the tendency to be talkative and argumentative when he started drinking. To prevent this, Suma tried to talk him out of having more drinks. He didn’t like this and when she became insistent, he raised his voice and asked her to mind her own business. Everyone turned to look at them, leaving Suma red with embarrassment.

She escaped to a corner of the room and sat ostrich-like, burying her head in her hands to avoid eye contact with anyone. Her friend Vinita came and sat beside her, to cheer her up. “I will get even with him,” Suma muttered furiously to Vinita. “Next month, Rajesh is going to throw a Diwali party and there will be more guests than there is for this one. I will humiliate him in front of everyone.” Vinita saw the rage in her eyes and panicked.

Vinita made it a point to call Suma practically every day after that. “I may sound like a sermonizer, but you have to listen to me, Suma,” she went on repeating. “Don’t do something in the spirit of vengeance. Agreed, he wronged you and he should be made to see the error he made. But your “eye for an eye” attitude may destroy your marriage forever……..”

It was difficult to make Suma see reason in the beginning but by gentle persistence, Vinita succeeded in bringing her around to her point of view before the Diwali party at which Suma had planned to get even with Jayant. Perhaps Vinita even saved their marriage from a disastrous end. Vinita Man Woman Magic 61 also opened Suma’s eyes to the fact that her planned reprisal may have demeaned Suma’s own dignity irreparably.

Getting even is no way to deal with the follies of a partner. Even if you find a trait in your partner that is unacceptable, you have to gradually wean the other away from it gently instead of bluntly mocking him or her. You have to give practical examples on the unacceptability of the idea and make the other one see how harmful it could be in the long run. This attitude may eventually bear fruit but forcing the other to suppress the idea is a very unhealthy practice. It will only fester inside and come out in other damaging garbs.

This freedom of expression is most important if one partner is a bit reserved or shy to speak out about what exactly he or she wants. So always try to look for hints of a desire in their actions or words.

♦ Shilpa enjoyed traveling and so always took the upper hand in planning holidays. Since Dinesh was mostly busy with his work and was somewhat reserved, he was only too happy to let his wife do that part of the job. So Shilpa ended up choosing the holiday location almost always.

She was fond of the mountains: the mist, the cold and the snow, and inevitably ended up choosing places like Kulu, Nainital, Dalhousie or Darjeeling. Sometimes, when she announced her choice of place, Dinesh would softly venture: “Wouldn’t Rajasthan be a nice place? Jaipur and Ajmer, for example?” Or he would say, “Why don’t we go to see Khajuraho?”

“What are you saying?” Shilpa would retort. “How can anyone enjoy that heat and dust and sand? I can’t think of it as a holiday spot.”

Man Woman Magic 62 Dinesh never enjoyed the cold and so he did not enjoy the holidays either. But Shilpa in her enthusiasm always failed to notice this. It was only after many years that their teenager son accidentally stumbled upon the truth.

“C’mon, Daddy, try to climb a little faster,” he insisted when they were on a trek.

“You go ahead,” he said. “I will wait here. Now that you are grown up enough to take care of your mother, I don’t think I need to climb. The high altitude does not suit me.”

“So every year you made the climb because you did not want to leave mother unprotected? Or rather you did not want to disappoint her!”

“You can say that, perhaps!”

That night they had a big argument near the fireside. “If you have never enjoyed the trekking and the cold, why did you not tell me so?”

“I had tried to, indirectly, but you did not seem to understand.”

So keep your eyes and ears open for the small hints that may come from a shy partner.

When one partner talks, the other must listen and respond to what is being said, even if it is on trivial matters. It is extremely irritating for the speaker when the other does not bother to listen appropriately.

♦ One day, when Abhay came home from office, his wife excitedly started talking about a funny case of mistaken identity that had happened in her office. “You will not

Man Woman Magic 63 believe Abhay, the visitor looked so much like our colleague who had left just a fortnight ago that………”

“Will you please get me a glass of water? I am a little thirsty,” he cut her short without letting her complete. And by the time she returned with the water, he had switched on the TV and opened the newspaper, without encouraging further conversation.

Perhaps he was a bit tired and did not find the story interesting. But what would he have lost if he had politely listened to what she had to say and made the expected oral or facial responses? Every human being feels humiliated by the type of indifference that Abhay expressed. And when it happens too many times, each time the gash of hurt pride becomes deeper and deeper. And if the person so humiliated is not patience personified, eventually a day might come when no medicine would become effective on the widened gash.

Never compete for the affection of children or other relatives.

Children often have preferences to one parent but that should not make the other parent jealous of the better-loved one. At the same time, the favored one should encourage children to respond and react well to the other parent.

♦ Little Arvind showed a clear preference for his father, Mahesh. After returning from school, he would wait restlessly for his father to return from office. The moment his father got home, Arvind would run to the gate and jump on to his scooter. His father would then take him for a five-minute ride around the neighborhood, sometimes buy him an ice-cream and the duo returned home in an upbeat mood.

Man Woman Magic 64 Arvind’s mother, Mala, used to reach home earlier than his father did. But he greeted his mother with just a perfunctory kiss for he found nothing exciting in her arrival. She rushed to the kitchen as soon as she arrived. She did not have a two- wheeler either.

In the beginning, Mala was not overtly conscious of Arvind’s preference for his father. But as the days passed, the father- son bond strengthened. Even when Mala had time to play with him, Arvind did not want her company. Sometimes, in front of guests, Arvind declared his preference for his father and Mahesh sat beaming. All this began irritating her and she started going out of her way to win over Arvind. She insisted that as soon as Mahesh came home, he should surrender the scooter to her and take charge of the kitchen. She said she would take Arvind out for a ride while his father completed the cooking. Mahesh found this sudden role reversal very unappetizing and refused to oblige. Quarrels became the order of the day in the household.

Things may not have reached such a stage if Mahesh had been a little more tactful. While taking Arvind out, he should have remembered to tell the boy that his mother was not able to take him out due to lack of time. The boy should have been told that she was forced to rush to the kitchen to cook for them immediately after coming back from work and that he should appreciate her for that. When the child understands that his father is full of admiration for his mother, he would instinctively grow fonder of her and it would reflect in his behaviour.

Man Woman Magic 65 If friends or relatives compliment your spouse, don’t resent it.

Try to be happy for his or her sake. Even where such a compliment involves ignoring your achievement, try to compromise. Some people get jealous when the spouse gets an extra compliment from friends or relatives. In a close and well-balanced relationship, such a compliment to one’s spouse should only make the other happy and proud of the partner. Since a little ego is innate to human nature, some may see in the compliment the other gets as a downgrading of self. You should try to overcome such a feeling, if it exists.

♦ Suchitra and Vinod were having his cousins over for dinner. The discussions veered to escalating real estate prices and when someone said that prices had doubled in the past four years, Suchitra said that they had not. She said that the prices had gone up just 17% and had her calculations ready in a second. “Wow, your wife has some sort of a computer for a brain,” said one to Vinod, looking up at Suchitra with admiration.

Vinod frowned. He did not like the compliment at all. More so, because he was doing the calculations in his mind and found that Suchitra had done them much faster than he had. So after the guests left, he reprimanded her slightly. “Why were you trying to show off in front of the guests?”

Suchitra did not have a full-fledged career. She was primarily a housewife but gave tuitions to school children in the evening. However, she had a very good head for Mathematics and had always been able to calculate really fast. But Vinod, with his successful career, always considered himself far

Man Woman Magic 66 better informed and his temper rose whenever his wife stole the show and walked away with the compliments.

In the Suchitra-Vinod case, Suchitra was the ever-compromising partner. So she went on making herself less and less visible to save her marriage. But every partner may not be so conciliatory. And at any rate, it is not a very healthy marriage where one partner has to forever try to make themselves invisible. Give compliments where they are deserved.

A well-turned out dish or a picnic that has been organized by one’s spouse, a gift that was given, all need appreciation from the other half.

When your spouse gives you a gift, even if it is not exactly something you had wanted or hoped for, you should appreciate it. It will do wonders in cementing the relationship. Too often a gift is purchased by sacrificing precious time that was necessary to finish an important job or paying money that was required for something else. So the value of it is much more than its monetary value and you should realize this. Likewise, compliment him or her for all their successes, small or big, official or personal. Such compliments are great morale boosters and pacifiers. “The power of a compliment or a few kind, sexy words can be overwhelming! Think back to all of the things that you used to say to your sweetheart when you were dating.” - Richard Carlson

Nevertheless, the compliments should be genuine and should not be confused with meaningless flattery.

Man Woman Magic 67 Giving criticism, where it is due, is also important.

When something has been botched up or mismanaged, there is no sense in acting as if it was done correctly.

Being overprotective or over-caring of the other partner is not a healthy trend.

In the long run, it will only do more harm than good.

♦ Girish was so much in love with his wife Mala that he was forever tenderly protective of her. He never forced her to do much housework. Since he could afford servants, they did all the housework. She only had to supervise them. Whenever the servants were on leave, food was ordered from some restaurant.

After 16 years of this life, Girish suddenly got an overseas posting to a place where servants were an unimaginable luxury. Though initially excited at the prospect of moving to a new place, Mala soon found herself in a pretty pickle. Except for a few special puddings she made when she had guests, she did not even know the basics of cooking. And at that stage, there were no friends or relatives from whom she could take lessons. Mahesh also started missing the home-cooked food and started getting finicky. Mala retaliated, saying that it was he who had spoiled her.

Though Mala started doing the housework herself, she could never fully get reconciled to it. She felt it was drudgery and looked shabby and careworn. Girish started shouting at her when he found her ill-dressed and fatigued. Finally, he had to request for a posting back to India to smoothen things out at home.

Man Woman Magic 68 ♦ In Santwana’s case, a similar kind of affection and protectiveness led to another type of difficulty. Despite the fact that she was a working woman, she was not entrusted with any other responsibility just because her husband did not want her to be put to any trouble. He took care of everything like paying the bills, investing money, admitting children in school, keeping medical records etc.

While this was a great relief to her while it lasted, his unexpected transfer to a city to which she and the kids could not move, put her to even greater trouble than she would have been had she taken on the extra responsibilities earlier. What she had once felt as his affection for her, slowly turned the feeling that he did not communicated with her properly. Her mails and calls to him became unending queries on how to manage this or that routine issue and quarrels ensued when she felt he had not trainer her properly.

But Santwana came out of the ordeal successfully. His distant posting turned out to be a baptism by fire for her. When he came back, she took the upper hand in deciding how much help and protection she needed.

Pity is not an emotion that you should feel for a partner. When you find your partner is suffering physically or mentally, do what you can to change the situation, instead of repeating, ‘Oh, you poor thing!’

Too much pity or sympathy may, like over protectiveness, weaken the links of a marital bond. When your spouse is not well, you should do everything in your power to make him or her comfortable. But encourage him or her and suggest ways in which the suffering can be alleviated.

Man Woman Magic 69 Most people do not like the expression, “I feel sorry for you… how you are suffering!” though there could be a miniscule percentage who prefer that also. One should have enough knowledge of a partner’s mental make-up to know what expression to use when. Pity is generally an unwelcome attribute.

And finally, do not expect too much out of a romantic or marital relationship. It is when you expect something gargantuan that you ‘see’ problems where in reality there are none. Some of the initial magic of a relationship could be lost somewhere in the labyrinths of life. This is only natural and does not demean the relationship.

♦ Jack and Julia were considered ‘made for each other’ in looks and intellectual attributes while courting and when they were newly married. After 10 years, Jack started persistently complaining that the magic had gone out of their relationship, for Julia was finding less and less time for him. The shortage of time was caused by the fresh demands on her time - two children to look after and a promotion at the office. Jack should have been able to see the promotion and children as added charms of their life, rather than crib it as a loss of charm.

At the fag end of life, it is often a tie rising out of familiarity and other common bonds like children, financial resources, much needed physical and moral support, etc., that sustain the relationship. So what? These are no less magnetic than the physical attractions of early days and are simply another facet of love! ‘She loved him first when he came to ‘see’ her. She loved him next when they took their rounds round

Man Woman Magic 70 the fire. She loved him again when he kissed away her tears that were the aftermath of a burnt meal, even though they had quarreled the previous day. She loved him again when she held out their first- born to him. She loved him again when he shouted at her for something that had gone wrong in the office for she knew she was the imperative safety valve he badly needed to vent his frustration. She loved his aimlessness when he retired, the sound of his walking stick when he started using them and the sound of his voice when he told stories to his grandchildren………… A successful marriage requires falling in love repeatedly with the same person. And it is the best way in to really hit it off with your spouse!

Man Woman Magic 71 Chapter 4 Quarrels and their Causes – Itches and Scratches

“Marriage is clearer than water, it is purer than gold, It is sweeter than love.” “You say you love your wife. ….You depend on her; she has given you her body, her emotions, her encouragement, a certain feeling of security and well-being. Then she turns away from you; she gets bored or goes off with someone else, and your whole emotional balance is destroyed.... There is pain in it, anxiety, hate and violence….. So what you are really saying is…… ‘I love you, but the moment you cease to supply what I want I don’t like you.” - J. Krishnamurthi

♦ Rachana was absent-minded and so never remembered birthdays or anniversaries. But husband Rohan did. He remembered dates meticulously and surprised her in the evening with a movie tickets or a treasure hunt inside their home which led her to a beautiful gift. She felt guilty about her forgetfulness, but still failed to keep track of dates. The only time they ended up celebrating was if the day fell on a holiday and Rohan reminded her early enough.

So one year, when, by chance, she remembered their wedding anniversary, she was ecstatic. She decided to give him a surprise and did not give away the fact that she had remembered. She kept mum but took leave that day and invited their close friends, Jay and Aarati for dinner.

She cooked and decorated practically the whole day. She was not a good cook and cooking special dishes was a formidable task for her. But she was determined not to fail him at least Man Woman Magic 72 once. She made lots of goodies and carved a beautiful salad in the form of a hen and chicks with a coop in the background.

Rohan generally came home before 9 o’clock. But that day, around 8:30 he called her to say that he would not be coming for dinner. He had to take some clients out. Since they had to leave the next morning, there was no way he could postpone it.

Rachana was so shocked was that she was tongue-tied for a few seconds.

“Why are you silent?” Rohan asked and added. “In the left side drawer of the dressing table is a small bit of paper. It will give you some clues as to where you can find a small gift. Okay?” he said, smiling. And with that he disconnected.

It was not the first time that he was phoning at the last minute and saying that he would not be home for dinner. Always indifferent to cooking, Rachana hardly demurred when he said so. She always dumped the half-cooked stuff into the fridge and used it for the next day’s dinner. Knowing her nature, Rohan never felt guilty about programs that crept up at the last minute.

But that day, Rachana took time to come out of her shock. The guests, though just two, would be there in 15 minutes. What would she tell them? When she recovered her composure, she dialed his office number, but nobody answered. She tried his mobile but it was switched off.

She cried for a while but made herself presentable before the guests came. She explained things to them and tried to make them comfortable. They sympathized with her but their fake sympathy annoyed her. The guests left at around 11:30, just

Man Woman Magic 73 before Rohan came in. He was slightly tipsy and upbeat because he was able to clinch the deal with the client.

Rachana blew her top when she saw him. She screamed and shouted at him. He stared at her, perplexed. “Can’t you come home in time at least on our wedding anniversary? I have never complained about your coming late, but at least on this day couldn’t you have told me early enough, before I invited Jay and Aarati for dinner and did all this work?”

It was then that Rohan noticed all that food on the table, practically untouched, and tell-tale marks that guests had been there. Rachana was still yelling at him.

“But if you were having people over for dinner, why didn’t you tell me early enough?” he asked.

But Rachna was so upset that she was not open to reason. She went on shouting, and making him the villain of the piece. He finally went ballistic.

“How would I know you would suddenly remember the wedding anniversary that have had never cared to remember?” he shouted. “I would have chosen a different gift had I known what you were at.”

It was then that Rachana remembered that she had not even bothered to read the instructions and take out the gift from where he had hid it. When he discovered that, his rage mounted.

“So you couldn’t even bother to look at my gift? To think that I have been so caring, year after year, though you never remembered my birthdays or our wedding anniversaries…..”

Man Woman Magic 74 They quarreled on and on and at one stage, Rohan raised his hand to hit her. She ducked and the next morning, packed her bags and left for her parents’ home. It took them a whole year to reconcile, for both were stubborn and refused to apologize first. And though they started living together again, the original bonhomie and camaraderie had disappeared from their lives……...

So who is at fault for things coming to such a state? Maybe both of them are not. But public sympathy is more with Rohan for there is no way he could have foreseen that a wife who was always forgetful would throw a surprise party for him.

Many fights arise out of such non-issues. They escalate into wars because they get magnified due to individual egos.

Sometimes, even the most romantic relationships get irreparably damaged. Even where nothing drastic happens, after a few years of marriage, differences may start to crop up.

Why does this happen? There are many possible reasons.

First of all, actually living together entails many adjustments which no amount of discussions and dry rehearsals can prepare you for. Sometimes, there may be minor details about a person which he himself may not be aware of. The other person could be very sensitive to this.

♦ Ramesh and Rajitha got married after a happy courtship and their elders’ blessings. Whatever they had revealed to each other through emails, SMS-es and strolls on the beach was mutually satisfying. But once they were married, and started sharing the same bed, Rajitha found that Ramesh used to snore. She was practically allergic to the sound of snoring. The continuous drone gave her nightmares. She tried to sleep in another room as much as possible, causing raised eyebrows in the joint family in which they lived. Man Woman Magic 75 This is not an isolated instance and many marriages suffer because of the spouse’s snoring. In fact, “being awakened by your partner’s snoring, having your sleep disrupted many times throughout the night, and having your concentration at work being negatively affected by the resulting fatigue” is called Spousal Arousal Syndrome.

In the Ramesh-Rajitha case, the tragedy was that Ramesh did not even know that he had a snoring problem. He had always slept alone, never having had to share a room with a sibling or a hostel-mate. So no one had ever complained that he snored. As such, initially it was very difficult to make him accept the truth and try remedial measures.

Like snoring, there could be other habits like yawning, belching or minor details of personal hygiene, which may be extremely irritating to the spouse, leading to marital problems.

• When you take your partner for granted, you do not try to keep him/her happy.

The eagerness to please a boyfriend or girlfriend, which is all too prevalent during courtship, gradually lessens as one settles down in marriage and often fully vanishes after a few years. This indifference often irritates the other partner, who might translate it as antipathy.

Even a big pot with a small hole can be emptied. In the same way, a little anger or ego will burn up all the nobility of a good heart.

♦ When Celesta was courting Hubert, she spent hours in front of the mirror to decide which dress suited her best. She would wear one and view herself from every possible angle to judge its fitting. Then she would wear another and repeat the process. This went on till she finally decided what to wear.

Man Woman Magic 76 She also went in for a pedicure and manicure before going out with him.

At the restaurant, she always let him order, despite his insisting that she too spell out her choices. She was so completely bowled over by him that she hardly cared what she was eating. He always ordered apple pie with ice cream, something which Celesta hardly found appetizing. But during the days of courtship, all she was conscious was that they were sharing the dessert. They put it in the center and ate from both sides of the dish with two spoons.

A few months into marriage, she felt that she had eaten enough of the unappetizing apple pie. So the next time they ate out, she decided to have something more to her liking. When Hubert ordered apple pie for both, she said she would have something else. This confused Hubert, who remembered her ecstatic face while she tucked in the dessert with him before they were married. He felt that she was deliberately refusing it to just to pick up a fight with him.

The same happened with her clothes, pedicure and manicure. With a job to handle and house to run, she neither had the time nor felt the need to do all that. ‘Now that the battle has been won, why shouldn’t I enjoy the spoils of war?’ was her attitude. She felt no need to be in battle gear all the time.

But Hubert saw things differently. For him, the Celesta he courted was the real Celesta. He found it very difficult to accept the changed Celesta. He refused to buy her argument that when she manicured and pedicured, she was staying with her parents and so had time to spare. Her appearance, and what he felt was her indifference, continued to irritate him and a scowl became a part of his face…..

Man Woman Magic 77 Is this not true Love?

A girl and a boy were on a motor cycle, speeding through the night. They loved each other a lot.

Girl: slow down a little, I’m scared.

Boy: No, this is so much fun.

Girl: Please, it’s so scary.

Boy: Then say that you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Can you slow down now?

Boy: Give me a big hug.

The girl gives him a big hug.

Girl: Now can you slow down?

Boy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on? It’s uncomfortable and it’s bothering me while I drive.

The next day, there was a story in the news paper. A motor cycle had crashed into a building because its brake had failed. There were two people on the motor cycle, of which one died, and the other had survived.

The boy knew that the brakes had failed. He didn’t want to let the girl know that because he knew she would get scared. Instead, he was told that she loved him, got a hug from her and then put his helmet on her so that she would live, while he died.

Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. Man Woman Magic 78 After some years of marriage, a general boredom with oneself or the relationship sets in, for many people.

Monotony is always tiresome. Constant change is the pivot needed to revitalize human beings. It is to get over this boredom that even offices often arrange picnics or get-togethers for staff, or transfer people to other places.

It is this propensity to get bored when life becomes monotonous that affects marriages also. Love cannot work in a vacuum. It must have a framework to operate within. There should be goals, plans and activities, for variety is the spice of life. When husband and wife are in situations which are unerringly repetitive, monotony descends on them like a ten gallon hat.

“There was too much perfection around her. Her bedroom had lace curtains and silk covers…. Was it the perfumed perfection of her bed, her silken nighties and the routine gentle ministrations that cloyed him, or the growing nonchalance of her body that she failed to conceal? She easily detected the alien perfume and the euphoric appearance the day he came home with an expensive gift…… She remembered one of Sidney Sheldon’s characters saying, ‘the more unfaithful he is to her, the more jewellery he gives her.’….”

This boredom syndrome is referred to as the “Seven-year-itch”. The word, further popularized by a film of that name starring Marilyn Monroe, refers to a tendency on the part of men and women to be unfaithful to his wife after seven years of marriage.

“Recent studies of marital satisfaction support my observations. One in particular, conducted by psychologist Lawrence A. Kurdek, Ph.D., of Wright State University and published in the American Psychological Association’s journal “Developmental Psychology,”

Man Woman Magic 79 provides evidence that the seven-year-itch is a reality. Kurdek’s study of hundreds of couples found a definite decline in marital satisfaction at about the eighth year of marriage.” - Lisa Carpenter A true relationship is not a big fire which burns all day but, it is a small lamp that burns till the last day of your life.

Post-marriage, the problem could be not just in adjusting to one’s own spouse. There could at times be other family members to whom he or she might have to get used to.

While courting, or if it is a match arranged by elders, a lot of importance is given to whether or not the boy and girl are suitable for each other. That’s how it should be, too. But at times, young couples end up living in joint families. The need to fulfill filial obligations or economic reasons may cause this. A young, working couple may themselves choose to share the accommodation to get help in looking after their children. When you thus live in a joint family, you need to adjust not just with your better half, but a host of other people as well.

Children are the most beautiful thing that can happen in a marriage but there are partners who resent the time that the other partner gives to children. This is true mainly of men, for before children appear on the scene, the man generally remains the center of a woman’s universe. But children demand unlimited time and attention, making it impossible for the woman to concentrate on the man or give him the same amount of intimacy he has been used to. The situation is conducive to the onset of the much touted seven-year-itch.

♦ Roy and Meghan lived in a one bedroom apartment in the heart of the city. Roy, a die-hard romantic, managed to

Man Woman Magic 80 take Meghan out on weekends to a nearby hilly resort bordering a forest. They walked through the mist-covered woods for hours and made passionate love as dusk set in. ‘Dusk is the time when day and night unite to become one,’ Roy said.

The arrival of a daughter three years after they got married made Roy immensely happy. He helped Meghan as much as he could. He stayed at home for four months without ever suggesting that they go out for a walk. But after that he started proposing that they renew their weekend walks. Meghan felt it would be too difficult to make the trip with the baby and related paraphernalia in tow. Roy complied for a few more weeks and when Meghan still resisted, he started getting annoyed with her. Finally, she agreed. But the trip was not easy as their earlier ones, with the pram, the baby’s nappies and milk bottles to be carried along. Further, the child developed a slight cold after the long walk in the hilly area.

So, the next time Roy insisted, Meghan refused point-blank. Then he insisted that they put the child in a crèche or leave her with a relative and go. But Meghan found the options impractical: they didn’t find anyone suitable either. Their differences over the weekend retreats grew bit by bit. When she found Roy too irritated, she insisted that it was better he go alone rather than not go at all. But when Roy started going alone, Meghan became restless for she had seen beautiful unattached women also wandering around in the hill station……

Roy’s resentment has nothing to do with his like or dislike of his daughter. He loved her in his own way. But he was not ready to give up some habits and comforts that he had become used to. He needed that short stint quite badly, to get recharged over the weekend before plunging back into the world of work, work, and more work.

Man Woman Magic 81 While these are some of the more widespread reasons for marriages going downhill, each union is sui generis and by that reason, can go bad in its own unique way. The differences, whatever the reasons for it, may surface gradually without either of the couple being aware that they are drifting apart, or it may come suddenly like a whirlwind at the most inopportune time. “When a child is born to a woman, love for this child takes precedence over the husband’s love.” The signs of a weakening relationship

A breach could sometimes result from a sudden and violent quarrel or it could result equally suddenly by a chance revelation of a buried past. But more often, the onset of differences is slow and is symptomatic of some tension brewing underneath. The following behaviour patterns are common when differences set in.

1. Small tiffs that refuse to get defused the normal way are a sign of weakening relationship. Opinions are like the watches. Every one’s watch shows a slightly different time. But every one believes that their time is correct.

Small spats, per se, are not something to get unduly worried about. Children quarrel, siblings quarrel and colleagues quarrel. Most of these quarrels are often forgotten. In marital quarrels also, when the bond is strong enough, the tiffs die a natural death. But when they don’t, it is a sign that things are not hunky-dory.

♦ The first thing Kishan and Natasha did in the morning was quarrel over the question of who would get up first. Both wanted the other to get up and make the rejuvenating cup of Man Woman Magic 82 tea. They pushed and pinched and kissed in the process and it was often Kishan who finally gave up and made the tea.

A little while down the line, Kishan started resisting Natasha’s pressure to make tea. ‘I have done it too many times, now you get up and make tea,’ he started insisting. And if she did not comply and started pushing and pinching like before, he became irritated. Left with no choice, she started getting up more often to make tea.

Moreover, he started finding fault with the quality of the tea more often than he did earlier. She said that the problem could be with the quality of the tea leaves they used and suggested he get some other brand for better results.……..

Such moods are obviously dark clouds. They could just be rain clouds that may come down in a peal of thunder and rain to clear the sky. But they could also be clouds of a gathering storm. Arguments may win the situation but it will not win one’s heart. So when a situation comes, decide whether you want to win the situation or the person’s heart.

2. Ex post facto declaration, of regular practices as lapses, is very common when camaraderie between couples is not at its peak.

♦ Prakash and Kiran went to the office together every morning. He dropped her at her workplace and then proceeded to his. But in the evening he did not pick her up as their offices closed at different times. So Kiran returned home by bus. That was the regular practice.

One evening, Prakash reached home just five minutes after his wife.

Man Woman Magic 83 “You have come!” Kiran said. “Why didn’t you then check with me if I wanted a lift?”

“But we have always come separately in the evening. What is special about today?”

“Just because we generally come separately, what is the harm in enquiring now and then whether I want a lift? I had to buy vegetables on the way and it would have been helpful if there was a vehicle.”

“How could have I guessed your requirement?”

“You could have, if you were more understanding. It is the lack of empathy that makes you forever talk of rules and agreements……..”

If there was no anger between them, she could never have considered his act of not picking her up in the evening as an omission. Remember, everybody says that mistakes are the first step to success. But the fact is that it is the correction of mistakes that is the first step to success.

3. Forgetting important dates can also be a sign that all is not fine on the marital front.

When you start forgetting dates like your wedding anniversary, your spouse’s birthday, etc. which you were particular about celebrating before, it is a symptom of the marital knot coming unstuck. This forgetfulness, which you may attribute to pressures of work or other obligations, are in fact, subconscious reactions of your mind to the dislike you feel for doing things together.

Man Woman Magic 84 ♦ The phone bell rang when Jay was about to leave for office.

“Happy birthday, son,” came his mother’s voice from the other end.

“Oh, I didn’t know that today was my birthday,” Jay replied. “Anyway, thanks a lot, mom.”

His mother frowned. And Jay did the same at his end. It is true that he forgot birthdays and festivals when the pressure of work was too much. But why was he not reminded? He looked around in surprise to see where Sapna was.

Usually, on his birthdays, Sapna covered his eyes from behind while he sat sipping the morning tea and asked, ‘guess who?’ And when she released her hand there would be a small gift on the table, beautifully wrapped. It was almost always a book, for he was a voracious reader. And for breakfast that day there would be ‘payasam’, his perennial favourite, as also a votive offering at a local temple. And while he dug into the payasam, he waited for his mother’s phone call, for she always called around 8 o’clock in the morning on his birthdays, after she returned from the temple. That day, Sapna seemed to have forgotten all about it.

As he disconnected the phone, he felt that Sapna was behaving a bit strangely these days. She did not seem to remember anything concerning him!

This is a typical scenario in a home where love is getting a little diluted!

Man Woman Magic 85 4. Thoughts of another man or woman becoming more pleasing to an individual.

When the images or words of another man or woman tend to occupy your conscious hours much more than your spouse, it is a sign of dwindling mutual affection. This often happens when a marriage becomes stale and has nothing new to offer. A new person who comes into your life with something new to offer may attract you.

♦ Sushmita was a good-looking woman and maintained herself well. Jayant was only too happy to take her with him and display her at swish parties. But 10 years of marriage and two children later, she had gained weight and lost her good looks. She was conscious of this but the combined burden of looking after the kids and coping with her office work left her no time for exercise or visits to the beauty parlour.

Jayant could not relate to this new Sushmita. Try as she could, Sushmita could not manage to look as good as she did when she was younger. Moreover, in her office, her colleague Suban was hardly conscious of her looks. His appreciation for her was based only on her work. He showered praise on her whenever she did well, and as the days passed, she only excelled in her work.

While she was forced to listen to her husband’s complaints about her appearance, she used to shut out his words by thinking about the compliments that Suban showered on her. His words were obviously more pleasing to her than that of her husband’s. And her failure to respond to his words irritated Jayant more and more……..

While such a situation can be harmless to begin with, it has the potential to get complicated if the couple is not able to talk freely of their problems and sort things out. Man Woman Magic 86 5. Difficulty in free communication

‘Communicate” literally means to become one with, to make a heart-to-heart connection that gives evidence of who we are and who the other is.

We want to share our lives with someone who loves us unconditionally. We want to grow old with a partner who has valued us, understood, and helped us feel safe in sharing our deepest feelings and needs. – Gary Smalley What is love? Love is the essential substance of life; We either love or perish – and without love, We begin to perish at this very moment, Since without love there is no life, But only the beginning of death - Jose De Vinck “It is always better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. And it is always better to love a bit than to hurt a lot.”

The security in sharing one’s thoughts, however different it may be from mainstream thinking, is a crucial factor in keeping alive a good relationship. The fact that you will be listened to gives you a strong feeling of protection and solace. So when you are unable to open up to your spouse, it is again a warning bell that something is amiss.

Man Woman Magic 87 When a bond is strong, you will not be branded quirky easily. But when the relationship is weakening, retorts like “Are you mad?” or “Don’t talk nonsense!” or a scornful laugh or snort become all too common during conversations. Where there is love

Be close with some who makes you happy.

But be closest to someone who can’t be happy without you.

It makes a lot of difference in life.

As told by a housewife:

My husband is an engineer by profession, I loved him for his steady nature, and I loved the warm feeling when I leaned against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and two years into marriage, I have to admit that I had tired of it. The reasons I loved him before transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for my candy.

My husband is the complete opposite: his lack of sensitivity and his inability to bring romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

“Why?” he asked, shocked.

“I am tired; there need not be reasons for everything in the world!” I answered.

Man Woman Magic 88 He kept silent the whole night, deep in thought and smoking throughout. My feeling of disappointment only increased; here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else could I hope from him?

Finally he asked me, “What can I do to change your mind?”

Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I had started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered, “Here is a question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. Let’s say I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Would you still do it for me?”

He said, “I will give you your answer tomorrow.” My hopes sank just by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a glass of milk on the dining table near the front door. It said, “My dear, I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further…….”

The first line was already breaking my heart. But I continued reading.

1. When you use the computer, you always mess up the software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

2. You always leave the house keys behind, so I have to save my legs to rush home and open the door for you.

3. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, so I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

Man Woman Magic 89 4. You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

5. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

6. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs.

7. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the colours of the flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face.

Thus my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do, I could not pick that flower yet, and die.

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… but I continued reading….

“Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside with your favourite bread and fresh milk.”

I rushed to open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly the bottle of milk and a loaf of bread.

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone…. That’s life, and love.

Man Woman Magic 90 There is no model of what ‘true love’ should be; it could be present in the dullest and boring forms. Flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of a relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands and that’s our life. Love, not words can win arguments. Speak less to people whom you love most, because if they can’t understand your silence, they will never understand your words. 6. Inability to make small talk

This is similar and at the same time slightly different from the problem of open and free communication. The free communication mentioned above refers to communication on serious matters, while small talk refers to trivia. When you are in love, when you enjoy a person’s company, you will be able to talk effortlessly, even if there is absolutely nothing to talk about.

♦ “Hey, what are you doing over there?” Smitha asked, speaking over the phone.

“I am making myself a cup of tea,” Suresh replied.

“You know how to make good tea?”

“Do you think I starve just because I am staying alone?”

“I didn’t mean that. But I am not very good at making tea….”

“Don’t worry. That one responsibility I am ready to take up, morning and evening…”

“Oh, it would be wonderful. How I would love to have a hot cup of tea ready for me when I come home………”

Man Woman Magic 91 Thus the conversation went on and on. Though there was nothing to talk about, both of them did not want to put the receiver back on its cradle.

That was 10 years ago, before they were married. Now, sometimes she makes the tea and sometimes he does it. But they hardly talk. Instead, they just sip the tea and go about their chores. Even when they sit together on a Sunday afternoon, they are permanently short of topics. Both are more worried about their offices and problems related to the household.

The young boy and girl, who talk endlessly during courtship, hardly speak to each other after marriage. Mostly, the boy goes silent and the girl wants him to talk. Hence, a wall comes up between them. For whatever reason, they find that the excitement has ebbed out of the partnership.

7. Talking about him or her does not give you a pleasant feeling.

When you are in love, your world revolves around the person you love. You enjoy talking about him or her to all. Even small successes of your lover look wonderful to you.

♦ When Hameed was newly married, whatever his wife cooked was ambrosia for him. Despite the fact that she was not a good cook, he went on saying to his colleagues that she cooked this thing today or that thing yesterday. It was obviously not the quality of food but an opportunity to talk about her that made him babble like that.

A year into the marriage, Hameed hardly remembered what he ate at home, though in reality, his wife’s cooking skills had improved by then. If someone asked him what he had for dinner, he just shrugged with an ‘I don’t remember!’

Man Woman Magic 92

Hameed’s marriage was losing its charm pretty fast! A marriage losing its initial magnetism is not a present-day phenomenon. It was often so and was mostly connected with the changing stages of life and related responsibilities. The difference is that in the olden days, nobody was unduly worried about this phenomenon. Marriage then was as much about fitting into the correct niches in family and society, and discharging duties, as being in love.

Today’s marriages want to combine in them staggering amounts of love, pleasure, passion and a vaguely-defined element called success. Marriages also want to incorporate seemingly incompatible elements like a passionate attachment to individual identity and a yearning for absolute togetherness.

In her book The Best Kept Secret, Janet Reibstein, a leading psychologist and university professor, lists the challenges of modern marriages. They are, “the tension between individual freedom and commitment, the task of regenerating mutual interest, the need for stability against the push for novelty, and the sheer difficulty of offering appropriate time and energy to another person in one’s own complicated life.”

The challenges appear so complicated that even the theory may sound like Greek and Latin to many. So actually living it out certainly cannot be a cakewalk. Still, more people overcome these challenges rather than succumb to their terror.

Man Woman Magic 93 Chapter 5 Success and Failure: When Remedies Fail

Read this slowly: “LIFEISNOWHERE” What did you read? “Life is nowhere” or “Life is now here?”

Just a beautiful way to say that how we live life depends on the way we look at it.

“Marriages come under pressure when appreciation and gratitude for your partner disappears. When in conflict, don’t be negative, take the other’s perspective. There should be earnestness in a couple to make the marriage work. It is very easy to mentally drift from each other. And sometimes, the space can never be filled. Romance will fizzle out, but the ordinariness of daily life shouldn’t cripple a marriage.” - Dr. Sujata Sharma

The ‘original’ pair of Siamese twins were Eng and Chang Bunker who were born in Thailand (formerly called Siam). They were joined together at the chest by a five-inch-wide band of flesh. The way they survived and made money by giving lectures and demonstrations is inspiring enough, but equally inspiring is the story of their marriage. Despite their togetherness, they married two different individuals, Adelaide and Sarah Yates, who were sisters.

Anybody can imagine how much adjustment is required to make a marriage like that work. The wives lived in different houses and the twins had to sleep one day in Eng’s wife’s house

Man Woman Magic 94 and the next day in Chang’s wife’s house. But they coped and eventually produced a total of 21 children between them! Eng had six boys and five girls, while Chang had seven girls and three boys. If marriages like that could survive, there is no reason why anybody else’s cannot. The thing is that you have to work really hard to make it a success.

It is rare that not a single discordant note is sounded in a marriage. But every dissonance need not toll the death bell of a union. The broken strings of a violin can be reset. Disorders can be cured by therapies. And there are placebos which might work as beautifully as a curative medicine.

Like physical ailments, or maybe like all problems in the world, the remedy to marital discord too lies more in its prevention than cure. We have already discussed some of the rules that could work as a prophylactic in preventing dissension.

But even where the preventive golden rules did not work, once you hear the warning bells, do your best to salvage the situation. Again, these discords are easier to be cured when only the early symptoms have appeared. When they become chronic, remedies are more difficult to come by. Preventing disintegration of Marriage by solving problems: 1. Be honest to yourself

Never turn a blind eye to the signs that your relationship is weakening. Some people are of the opinion that if you look right through any problem, pretend it does not exist, a cure may be affected in its own time. Of course, time is a great healer in a way, but in a weakening relationship, it could work as the enemy.

Man Woman Magic 95 So first and foremost, do not act as if the problem does not exist.

For example, if you feel that you are quarrelling more than you usually do, don’t try to convince yourself that your quota of quarrels is only normal. Instead, accept that you are indeed quarrelling more than you normally did. But try to see how the quarrels and its upshots are different from those that you had during courtship or the early stages of your marriage.

And in the case of every small quarrel, instantly remove whatever is the immediate bone of contention, for they have the potential to fester inside and snowball into something much bigger. It may not be possible to remove with equal speed the deeper, underlying reason for the clash. But the immediate problem has to be attended to, without giving it a chance to aggravate.

For example, a man may shout at his wife, saying that his tea is cold or that he did not get it on time. A woman may shout at her husband saying that he is misplacing things around the bedroom, thereby putting her to a lot of trouble. When such complaints arise, it pays to bend over backwards to ensure that the other party does not get a chance to shout. If the tea is cold, make another cup. If the bedroom is in disarray, clean it up and replace the things before she can complain. 2. Tackle the boredom in marriage effectively:

Overcoming boredom in marriage is one field where innovative measures can be quite effective. So without waiting for the onset of boredom, try to bring variety into your life. Everybody knows that a repetitive pattern of existence, like a satellite going round and round its planet, makes life dull. So set new goals. Have open discussions with your spouse about the goals and the need to have them and plan strategies to achieve them. And discuss each person’s share of work in achieving that goal. Man Woman Magic 96 Plan holidays so that you can have some time for yourself. This occasional togetherness where you can have each other solely for yourself is a good rejuvenator. In today’s busy life, where most people have individual career goals or hobbies, doing things together becomes very important. It is the duty of both to create opportunities for it.

♦ Saurav had a job that kept him away from his wife for half the month. And Shiny was a social activist who had to keep irregular timings. Often one would be asleep when the other reached home or would be away before the other got up. On many days they did not even see each other. They managed just through SMS, phone calls and e-mails. So to recharge their life together, they made it a rule to holiday together twice a year. This practice did wonders to keep their passions from cooling.

That does not mean that togetherness is a panacea for all the ills that may beset a marriage. On the contrary, too much togetherness can be overly sentimental and thus counterproductive. Some couples are under the erroneous impression that for the marriage to be perfect, they should forever do things together.

♦ Wilson and Mary went jogging together in the morning, went shopping together in the evening, watched TV together and cooked and ate together and finally landed in the marriage counselor’s office together, on the verge of splitting. The marriage counselor sent them away asking them to give each other a little space for their individual selves in the marriage. He advised them to scan their talents and interests and develop them, taking the other’s guidance wherever necessary. Togetherness is this mutual support, the counselor told them, and not necessarily holding hands or sitting in each other’s laps.

Man Woman Magic 97 After six months, the duo came separately to the counselor’s office, for he was coming from his sports club and she, from her speakers’ forum. They came with glowing faces, to thank him, and left together. They knew now how to be dear to each other and enjoyed their moments of togetherness better.

When you sense a drifting apart that could be attributed to boredom, do your best to renew the closeness. Dr. Helen Fisher, the author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, says in her book that men and women respond differently to another’s attempt to become close. “Men and women tend to view intimacy differently,” she says. “Women get intimacy from face-to-face contact. …. But men tend to get intimacy by doing things side by side.”

The rule may not be true for all. But when you try to get intimate to reduce tension, use the method to which the other party will respond best. There are many ways in which people seek intimacy. Well-laid tables are often reminders of the comforts of a home and a partner for many people. Gifts have a calming effect on others. Encouragement to do something, for which support was so far not forthcoming, will certainly convince others of a spouse’s support. Choosing and using these techniques proficiently will bring closer together those who are drifting apart. 3. When you feel attracted to another, nip it in the bud: “Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women like to be a man’s last romance.”

When thoughts of another man or woman start occupying substantial spaces inside you, you have to seek a remedy

Man Woman Magic 98 immediately, if you want to save your current relationship. This is too often the worst canker that destroys a marriage.

First of all, you should ask yourself questions and be honest to yourself about the reasons which have resulted in the shift. Where the new interest is solely for reasons of the other person being more materially successful, it is wrong on your part to so blatantly shift loyalties. But when the shift is due to a shared common interest, which you do not have with your spouse, the issue is more complex. In such cases, you should try to talk about your interest to your spouse. Even if he or she cannot share the interest, you can assess how much support you will receive to develop your interest.

Lastly, when the attraction is due to the fact that the new person showers the type of affection and admiration that your partner has not showered on you, you should again do a lot of self- analysis before succumbing to that interest. It could be possible that your current partner is not a very demonstrative person. It might simply be a case of the new friend being more talkative. Or the yardstick by which your spouse judges you might be different from that of the new lover. Try to understand the criterion that your spouse upholds, and attempt to mould yourself to suit it, before instantly shifting loyalties.

When the late Mr. Henry Ford, one of the most successful businessmen in the automobile industry, and his wife celebrated their golden wedding anniversary, a reporter asked them; “To what do you attribute your 50 years of successful married life?” “The Formula,” said Ford, “is the same I have used in making cars – just stick to one model!”

Of course, there is much more to a successful marriage than sticking to one model!

Man Woman Magic 99 Relations we don’t want to talk about

When I look around, I see that many people are involved in multiple relationships with others of the opposite gender. They either maintain all these relationships at a time or one after another. I wonder if this is a status symbol or a side effect of globalization, a genuine need or just plain lust. You may wonder why we are discussing such relationships. Well, if such relationships can exist in the open, there is also a need to discuss them.

Not just film stars and celebrities, but we can think of a large number of powerful people from different walks of life who have had more than one relationship. Booker Prize-winner Salman Rushdie married four times. Many politicians flaunt two wives, a practice that is very often condoned by their respective communities. Many businessmen and industrialists have mistresses tucked away in the various pleasure capitals of the world.

From celebrities and movie stars (where such relations are visible and are in public eye) to politicians, industrialists, and other powerful people (where such relationships are properly covered) to the common man (where they are too shy to discuss it in the open), this multiple relation syndrome is everywhere. Literature Review

Throughout history, powerful men and women have had multiple spouses, sexual partners and companions. Power, wealth and charisma have gone hand-in-hand with polygamous and promiscuous behaviour. After all, they have been the chosen ones. Yesterday, it was kings, princesses and generals who flouted their clout, and having multiple companions was one of the ways to showcase their elevated position. Today, it has become quite common: all you need is to become ‘famous’ and reach a position of some power.

Man Woman Magic 100

Very often, when there is a change in fortunes, the first thing people like to change is their spouse/partner. It’s true: once you are in a position where there is glitz, glamour, power, position, fame, and & money - all put together…makes a heady cocktail and there are high chances of slipping …if your feet are not firm on ground. There, temptations are aplenty and it is easy to get swayed. And people have very powerful ways to cover such things in their life…by using just one phrase… “We too are Human Beings”. Let me remind you…country, gender, age, religion is no bar for such relations.

Some more facts

There was a survey done by Virgin Management Consultancy in seven cities in India (Delhi-NCR; Chennai; Kolkata; Mumbai; Bangalore; Hyderabad; and Pune)…wherein they surveyed 1675 people and the finds are as follows:

1) Three in every ten person surveyed are involved in such relations.

2) Six in every ten people don’t think that such relations are wrong even on moral grounds.

3) Eight in every ten people feel that…it is all about position and chance. Those who complain are those who never had any chance.

4) Quite surprisingly, two in every twenty-five cases…both husband and wife are separately involved in different relations…outside their marriage and they feel that it is OK.

Man Woman Magic 101 Noticeable Reasons for such Relations

Along with the above-mentioned figures, they also showed reasons for such relations. Some of those reasons are:

1) Incompatibility: Incompatibility between partners is one of the major reasons and in such grave situation the person seeks some solace outside his existing relation, as he is seeking to fill the gap. It can be either by ending the existing relation or in cases of conservative families and societies…along with the existing relation. Today, it has to be a packaged deal in a relationship for people; they have to have something of everything.

2) Time spent away from home: Time spent away from home due to demand of work or “enforced circumstances” is another factor that plays an important role. In cases, where husband or wife has to be repeatedly away on business tours or are forced to stay away from each other…they need someone to share their feelings and emotions. This also includes cases where husband and wife are working in different cities or working in different shifts (Thanks, to Call Centres and BPOs).

3) Loneliness and depression: This is another reason, which occur due to a variety of reasons or causes, such as, Fight with Spouse; Stress at workplace; High competitions and expectations; Failure in life; Your or your spouse’s ill health; Need of Financial Support. During such phase, a person is emotionally weak and vulnerable. Extra helping hands or a shoulder to cry on in such times creates a situation of intimacy and leads to the initiation of several relations.

4) Change is circumstances or sudden rise in Social Status: This happens with those people whose career/life is on

Man Woman Magic 102 fast track…who suddenly achieve professional and financial success. The sudden change in circumstances provides an incentive for some people to look for other intimate relationship or multiple sex partners. The change in partner at the time of touching heights also acts like an immense ego boost for them. They feel that this glory…this status…this success is permanent and a license for them to have many partners.

5) Loss of passion: This means, passion & desire that first attracted two people to each other…over a period of time moves into dullness and develops into feeling of apathy or burden towards the partner. Along with this, if there are other attributes of long term commitment/relation, such as financial problems, children, job change, and loss of position/status…that makes people drift away.

6) Just attraction: There is no explanation for this. You met some person…get attracted to that person… and want to get that person. This is nothing but just lust. Relationship formed for pure physical gratification.

These reasons are justifiable for all; Irrespective of your profession…class…or position in society.

The four-letter word called “LOVE” for some may be an experience and lesson; whereas for others, it’s a never-ending quest for a perfect mate. After watching the Hindi movie, “Kabhi Alvida Na Kahna” (KANK) the only thing I feel is, doesn’t matter how caring, loving, understanding, rich you are, your spouse can still leave you for someone. I am no one to justify such relations or to ask people not to get into such relations…it depends on an individual…his values…his beliefs.

Ok, first time you failed to understand the person. I agree that you can repeat the same mistake one more time but you cannot continue to repeat the same mistake again and again. Can You?? Man Woman Magic 103

You cannot say...OK, one guy is Handsome, another is rich, another is intelligent...yet another is famous...another one is lovable and caring...so you are having relations with all.

You can also not afford to say, OK...this girl has beautiful eyes...another has a nice smile...yet another is my parents choice...another one understands me...and you continue your relation with all.

A second is required to say your love.

But a life is required to prove your love.

4. Try your best to rebuild a relationship:

We are all here for a special reason.

Stop being a prisoner of your past.

Become the architect of the future

To be kind is more important than to be right. Sometimes what a person needs is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart than listens.

In many marriages, one of the partners may have a fling with someone else and thus dishonour marriage vows. This is a serious issue and one that could lead to divorce. But if you regret your unfaithfulness, confess it to the spouse yourself. When you confess it yourself, there are better chances of reconciliation, than when he or she comes to know of it from a third person.

When you decide to return to your ‘original relationship’, then you need to work extra-hard to make it a success. Remember the habits and predilections of the partner and help him or her indulge in those even if you were not too fond of those habits

Man Woman Magic 104 earlier. Thus bend over backwards to convince your partner that you want to give the marriage a second chance, that in fact you want to make it stronger than it originally was.

Take lessons from the mistake to avoid its repetition. Also try to analyze what were the attractions of the partner in adultery, which prompted you to respond to the feelers.

If the other party is the one who had been unfaithful, try to forgive and reconcile. Help him or her to assuage the guilt feelings. Of course, there will be a sense of disbelief and betrayal but if the other party wants to make the marriage work, you should give your whole-hearted cooperation to it.

While thus forcing yourself to reconcile, try to understand as to what were the drawbacks from your side that could have led to the betrayal. If the marriage were perfect, it would be unlikely that one of the partners would be swept off his/her feet easily by another. Understanding it would not just help the marriage alone. It may reform you as an individual also. We always know that looking back on our tears would make us laugh… but we never know that looking back at the moments we laughed together would make us cry. Hence, don’t be afraid of tears, because it softens your heart, washes your eyes, and clears your vision. 5. Be open about your problems:

Silence might save many situations, but not marriage. Without proper communication, you would not be able to solve the problem. Worse, you may not even know whether there is a problem at

Man Woman Magic 105 all. Keeping mum about problems is equivalent to pushing things under the carpet. It will only complicate things and may take things to such a stage that the problem cannot be repaired. “Problems are like trees seen from a running train. As you approach them they grow bigger. Once you pass them they become smaller. That’s life”. Mozart’s Story: Love is for life. Life is not for love. Love may fail in life. Life should never fail in love. So don’t spoil life in love. But don’t forget love in life.

German Composer Wolfgang Mozart was a legendary musician. Once he gave a concert arranged in connection with the birthday of the daughter of one of the richest businessmen of Hamburg in Germany.

After celebrations and the concert, he met the rich father and said, “I am in love with your daughter. I want to marry her.” The father was stupefied as Mozart was rather short and ugly. He was hardly five feet in height while his daughter was a nymph. So he replied politely, “Please talk to my daughter about this”. Mozart went to her room. He was received with applause as every body had loved his music.After a while, he told the girl that he wanted to marry her. She screamed, “Have you ever seen your face in the mirror? How could you even think of this? Leave at once.”

Man Woman Magic 106 Mozart turned to leave and said, “It is said that marriages are made in heaven. Do you believe in it?”

“Yes. Of course but……..” faltered the girl.

He continued, “God has fixed my wedding with a very short, ugly looking girl.”

“Then why don’t you go to her? What makes you even dream of ………?” she said angrily.

Mozart replied, “When God made plans for my marriage, I pleaded with him. If a girl is made very short and very ugly, how sad she will be. So, please don’t do it. Instead, you make me ugly and short and give away all my height and beauty to her. God was kind enough to oblige my words. He made me like this and YOU SO BEAUTIFUL.”

She was stumped and her heart melted at this beautiful thought. Soon, they were married. Life is like a tennis match. If you want to win you have to serve well, and remember it starts with love all. 6. When communication diminishes, bait them back to talk:

Distorted communication is the hallmark of a marriage that is on rocks. Either you communicate too much by constantly quarrelling or your communication reaches an all time low.

When communication thus diminishes you should do your best to bring it back to the normal level. This will give the other party

Man Woman Magic 107 confidence to open up. One of the reasons that make people hesitant to talk is the temper of the other party. The other is a general mistrust or lack of interest in the other. Whatever be the reason, use baits to make the other person talk. Baits could be different for different people. But if you have the cleverness to choose it, freezing communication could be thawed and cooling passions could be warmed. 7. And lastly, there may not be a problem at all even though you feel that the relationship has become different.

• Early passions often cool and a mundane pattern sets in after a few years. This in itself does not signify a drifting apart. Just because your marriage lacks the thrill of the honeymoon days, it does not mean that you do not need each other. Work has its own value and if your spouse is a workaholic who can’t find enough time for romance, don’t feel that he or she does not love you. Try to occupy yourself also with an equal amount of work and you will be able to admire and understand each other better that way.

• Always keep in mind that some sort of ambivalence exists in man-woman relationship. There is no need to panic at the sight of it. Love coexists with a competitive spirit. So while one admires the spouse, he or she could also be jealous of him/her. This is more common in men when a wife is richer or more successful. She gives him an inferiority complex. Such a situation can be easily remedied if the wife takes care not to drive home the differences. Instead, the husband has to be made conscious of the areas in which he excels and reminded as to how much he is needed, however better she is. Then the problem will gradually fade away.

Man Woman Magic 108 • Every spouse expects the mate to treat him/her as if he or she is the most important thing that has happened in the mate’s life. This expectation may not be justifiable all the time, but there is no harm in doing a little ego pampering by agreeing to it. There is no point in fighting over such unimportant issues demanding foolproof evidence. Where one partner is the breadwinner and the other partner is the homemaker, each wants the other to feel that his/her role is the more important. Agree to it and make him or her happy. You do not lose by that. You only gain.

So, if many of the marital problems respond to remedies, then why do divorces happen? This is because all problems do not respond to remedies. Some people are so stubborn or self- centered that the partner may find it impossible to adjust. At times, a person could be so indifferent to the spouse’s predicament that it might be pointless to continue the relationship.

“If you wait to be happy you will wait forever. If you start to be happy you will be happy forever”.

Man Woman Magic 109 Chapter 6

Divorce the Dragon - Untying the Knot

He asked, “Will you marry me?” She said, “NO” ………..and they lived happily ever after.

Marriage is a turning phase in an individual’s life. It’s a new chapter opened. Its’ the fulfillment of all the hopes and aspirations and dreams a person has nurtured throughout his or her bachelorhood or spinsterhood. 93% of us, some how or the other get married. However, all don’t remain married though not legally divorced. Such marriages end up as broken homes. A recent survey shows that the divorce rate for past twenty years has risen by a staggering 60% and there is nothing to suggest that there would be a decline in the alarming global trend. Hence to save ourselves and the world at large from the agonies of broken homes, we should learn to appreciate the importance of permanent companionship in a successful marriage.

If all the marriages are perfect, then why do divorces take place? Isn’t the mounting number of divorces a curse on the children and the society? All these can be answered provided each one of us first understood the different stages in marriage:

1. Honeymoon phase: This is the first few years of marriage. Every thing is hunky dory. Your partner can do no wrong. For the starry eyed, love smitten couple, the phase extends from candle lit dinners up to the time the first child is born. The husband is able to overlook faults like the food being

Man Woman Magic 110 overcooked or chapattis being burnt or the house not being spick and span.

2. Adjustment phase: This is the second phase. After the initial euphoria of tying the nuptial knot dies down, fresh problems stare at the young couple. This is the period of great trial as the couple goes through upheavals of acceptance and rejection. You are baffled at the stark differences in each others outlook set pattern of living and approaches to a problem but you still co-exist together as couple. It is also the child bearing period, busy and often depressing. Learn the wisdom of compromise. It is better to bend a little than to break any relationship orever.

3. Dullness: Monotony of conjugal life looks you square in the face. The children would have arrived. Physical part of marriage is getting not exciting anymore. Busy with careers, life is boring but you are used to each other. Taking your spouse for granted. Arguments take place, but predictably life goes on. This is the time you can be lured into extra marital affairs. Resist the temptation; bring back the excitement, mystery and freshness into your marriage by rediscovering each other. What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. Well, what makes a marriage go awry?

The factors like ego clashes, lack of mutual respect/ trust and empathy, infidelity, inarticulate communication, mismatch of views/opinions on every thing, over work-load on one of the spouse engendering high frustration, each partner falling below the expectation of the other, etc.,

Man Woman Magic 111 “Divorce is definitely not the solution to an unhappy marriage, unless, it’s totally on the rocks. Because, what’s the guarantee of a better life ahead? Especially, with the stigma attached to a divorcee? Thanks to our conservative upbringing even if one remarries, however modern you are, there’s no escape from those unsavory thoughts of your past life hounding your mind”

All said and done, the mandatory ingredients in the recipe for a successful marriage are unconditional love, trust, high-level maturity, understanding, tolerance, empathy, magnanimity and resilience. Remember that views, opinions, tastes, habits, ideas, attitudes, feelings, etc, do differ from person to person. Tacit adjustments should therefore be made without any one partner, imperiously foisting his/her viewpoints on the other. Nevertheless, think a million times, before launching on your mission to marry someone.

Analyse on what exactly are your expectations of your partner, regarding looks, educational qualifications, financial status etc.; never try compromising now, only to project yourself as a martyr later.

In a nutshell, before making that major irrevocable move, just see whether you are really prepared for a life long commitment with the person you’ve chosen. Since, it shouldn’t be that you “marry in haste and repent in leisure”.

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.” – Helen Rowland

Chandra Prakash looked exhausted, as if he had not slept for days. There were lines of pain etched on his face. So much so, his colleague Mubarak was hesitant to ask him whether he

Man Woman Magic 112 would like to join the rest of the staff on a weekend sight- seeing tour. He asked nevertheless, and the answer he got surprised him. “Indeed I want to,” replied Chandra Prakash. “I have a lot of time these days and have never felt in a better mood to join group revelries.” Much later, Mubarak came to know that Chandra Prakash was going through his divorce during those days.

That is what divorce does to most people. It makes them happy and sad at the same time. They are in a pickle, of course, in a sweet and sour pickle. Its sweetness is due to the relief that a person gets when he or she is out of a crippled relationship that even crutches cannot buttress. But then, there could be plenty of sourness too, sourness strong enough to leave a lasting bitter taste on the separating individuals.

As husband and wife, a man and woman participate in the maximum physical and mental intimacy possible between two human beings. Nevertheless, this closest of human relationships is the only one that can be nullified. There is no provision under the law of any country to severe the ties between parents and children, or those of siblings or friends. But almost all countries have provisions to put an end to a marriage.

Because of the intense and confidential nature of a married relationship, the break-up could be quite complicated. There are aspects of a marriage which are difficult to be openly discussed. Also there are many grey areas which cannot be compartmentalized into fully right or wrong. All this makes the severance a difficult process. It could be accompanied with a lot of pain, bitterness or embarrassment, depending on the merits of each case.

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” Margaret Atwood But when people are not able to thrash out their differences even after trying their best, the only option Man Woman Magic 113 is to part the company for good. And once you have decided to part, do it in a way that would hurt both the least. There are restraints that could be adhered to, to minimize the damaging effects of the split-up. 1. Have the patience to listen to your partner:

Some people come to me for counseling.

The wife says, “My husband never speaks” and husband says, “My wife keeps on speaking”.

Giving each other the chance to explain fully, their side of the story, is an absolute must for a separating couple. At times this explanation might stop in it’s tracks the very process of divorce. Even in situations where the separation has become a finality, listening to, and understanding, the other’s viewpoint, would help reduce post-divorce bitterness. Misconceptions and inability to understand the other’s needs, or reasoning, are important reasons that lead to divorce. The final chance for clarification on the matter would help the parties to at least not repeat that mistake in their next relationship. “There is always a perfect understanding between us. Whenever we disagree, she goes her own way and I go hers” - a husband 2. Discuss and settle things as amicably as possible:

Once the split is deemed unavoidable, try to do it in the least messy way. Dragging the divorce through prolonged court hearings does not benefit any. Courts are expensive. Stamp paper, and lawyers, the common man’s conduit to law, cost money. Courts are also slow, thereby costing you time and prolonging the strain of separation for both parties. Man Woman Magic 114 So discuss with each other how things can be settled in the easiest and fastest way. If you cannot come to an agreement on an amicable method, get help from others who had to go through the unpleasant experience. Generally a divorce with mutual consent costs the minimum by way of court expenses and time. If one party wants to contest, demanding larger settlement claims than is offered, the case drags on, costing time and money.

In modern day marriages, there are a host of things to be taken care of while separating. There could be mortgages on house or vehicle or umpteen gizmos, which are being paid out of the combined income of both. How to continue paying for them, and who can eventually claim the object or property, are important matters, that has to be thrashed out between the two. Of course, a lawyer’s help might be necessary for solving such issues. But mutual discussions on the earning capacity and need of each, before legal help is sought, would obviously simplify matters.

Similarly, there could be combined and separate assets. There could be joint bank accounts, which were started to make any particular transaction easy. Or there may be separate bank accounts for each, which may not exactly represent the actual income of each. These too have to be solved amicably, taking into consideration the spirit of the arrangement rather than just its legality. 3. Never harbour a spirit of vengeance: What is love?

It is when some one breaks your heart, and the most amazing thing is that you still love him/her with every broken piece.

There is a saying about spiteful mothers-in-law that ‘they want to see their daughter-in-law a widow even if it is at the cost of

Man Woman Magic 115 losing their son.’ This sort of vengeful attitude is often displayed by a man or a woman at loggerheads with the spouse.

As seen in the above examples, a hostile spouse often tries to inflict as much damage as possible on the leaving partner. They may leave the other partner bankrupt, or may enjoy dragging him or her through the court, washing all the dirty linen in public. They do it even if all the public squabble might at times do as much or more harm to themselves as to the other partner.

Any sort of vengefulness as the aftermath of a separation is highly unwarranted. Once you reach the crossroads from where you have to take different routes, wish each other well. Just because a person could not get along with you, there is no reason he or she cannot get along with another. He or she has after all given you your freedom. Learn to be thankful for that. Start life afresh on a good note and let the other also do that. When you are good to others, you are best to yourself. 4. Protect the kids from the pain:

Divorce opens a Pandora’s Box of negative emotions, almost as a penance for all the good things that you enjoyed during wedded bliss. There is a gnawing sense of loneliness, guilt, loss, skepticism and helplessness. By handling the wrenching-apart in a mature, controlled manner, you can stave off some of the blues, though deeper down it may take much longer to heal. One of the ways in which you can manage this is by focusing on the positive aspects of the divorce rather than crying over what you are losing.

But there is a part of your family who cannot fend off the pain by focusing on the positive aspects of the separation. They are your children. So you have to marshal all your skills to shield them

Man Woman Magic 116 from the downbeat emotions that threaten to sweep them in their groundswell.

The worst victims of a divorce are the children. The parting may be unavoidable for the separating couple, but it is avoidable as far as the children are concerned. They love both parents the same way. It is painful for them to see them at a protracted tug of war in which the rope finally breaks in the middle. While the threat of losing a parent is bad enough, some small children even feel that it is some mischief that they did which is the cause for the unhappy state of affairs.

• So you should do your best to ensure that children are scarred the least. They need constant reassurance from both parents that they would not be abandoned by either or both. If, as said above, children suspect that it is something that they said or did that has caused the rift, the confusion should be cleared. They should be made to understand that they need have no guilt feelings about the imbroglio.

• At the same time, they should be sufficiently fortified to adjust to the changing scenario. The fact that they would be seeing less of at least one parent, after a while, should be made clear to them. It should also be explained to them that the absent parent would love them the same way he or she did before the separation; that they would be morally and materially contributing towards their welfare; and that he or she would be accessible to them whenever they felt the need.

• Some fighting may be unavoidable in a house where a husband and wife are separating. But avoid doing it in front of the children. However much you are provoked, control the urge to hit back when they are around. Do it when they are away at school. Or maybe do it at the lawyer’s office. If the tension is too much and you are unable to do even simple dividing of

Man Woman Magic 117 things without a fight, try to send the kids away for a few days to any understanding relative.

• Even where the separation is rancorous, the bitterness should not be allowed to seep down to the child. It may create a lasting negative impression in the child’s mind about one parent. The resentful spouse may forget the bitterness after a time, especially if he or she manages to enter into other good relationships. But the child may not. So talk to children about the positive aspects of the marriage that you are trying to end. Highlight them and omit the unpleasant stuff.

• After divorce children end up living with one of the divorced parents. But the absent parent should not be referred to in the past. Children should be told that he or she continues to love them the same way they did when all were staying together. If the parent, who has the custody, is receiving child support, the children should be told about that to make them conscious of the role the absent parent is continuing to play in their lives.

• Children should be given opportunities to meet the non-custodial parent and understand his or her point of view. Courts generally grant visiting rights to parents who do not get the custody. These visits should be planned properly and well ahead, choosing mutually acceptable timings. It is the duty of the custodial parent to inform the child of the time of the visit and encourage the child to look forward to it as an exciting occasion.

• Where the bitterness between the separated spouses is so much that the custodial parent does not want the other parent to visit the child in his or her home, plan some other venue for the meeting. The child can be sent to the non-custodial parent’s house to meet him or her there. For that a proper escort should be chosen if the child is too small or proper pick-up and drop-off points and timings should be decided if the child is older. Man Woman Magic 118 • The most important thing is not to poison the child mind against the other parent. Even if an ex has been nasty to you, it is not the child who should be used as a tool to retaliate. If at all, a child should only be used as a tool for reconciliation.

• It is not proper to try to extract information about the lifestyle of your former partner through children. Encourage children to talk about the time spent with the other in a pleasant manner. But do not ask probing questions to gather information about his or her current love life or anything that would show them in a negative light.

• There could be added confusion for the child if the custodial parent remarries. There would be a new parent in the family – a stepfather or a stepmother. In such situations a lot of tact on the part of the natural parent is required to make the children understand that they are precious to both the absent parent and the new parent. The step-parent also has to do his or her share in helping balance the new equation. Children should be trained to talk with respect about the birth parent.

♦ A thrice married film star had managed the equation with her little daughter and second husband reasonably well. But when she was into the third marriage, she did not know how to introduce the new parent and used the euphemism ‘third daddy.’ One day the ‘third daddy’ heard the girl talking to her friend: “My first daddy used to direct movies,” she said. “And my second daddy used to produce them. Now my third daddy acts in them.” After the friend left, the ‘third daddy’ called her and said, “Don’t ever refer to your father as ‘first daddy.’ He is your only daddy. Very few people have his type of talent and one day you should grow up and achieve his level of success and do him proud. We all love you and care for you very much. But he will always remain your Man Woman Magic 119 father.” These words from someone who had replaced her father had a profound effect on the growing child. She learned to respect and understand her real father and at the same time her regard for the ‘third daddy’ – her stepfather also increased phenomenally.

• In the case of remarriage, there could be children in the new family as well. You might often have to bring up together two sets of children who have neither a common father nor mother. This needs more skill than bringing up together children who have at least one common parent.

So, protecting children – the innocent victims of their parents’ squabble – is perhaps the most difficult operation of the divorce aftermath. Nevertheless, children are a source of strength also during the crisis. When they are around, you do not get the feeling that you are all alone in the world. They love you, give you a goal in life, and egg you on to succeed, for you have to live for them. In a way, they protect you also throughout the crisis. Every king was once a helpless baby. Every great structure was once a blue print. It is not where you are today, but where you will reach that counts. Reuniting after Divorce:

“Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other.

Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then”

Believe it or not, divorce, at times, becomes the remedy that the couple was searching for, to save the marriage. Divorce can thus be considered therapeutic if it leads to reunion.

Man Woman Magic 120 When they separate, people understand how much they need each other. They feel they cannot live without the other. This is in consonance with the general principle that it is only when you lose certain things that you understand the value of it.

♦ Ashok and his wife Rachana both worked at the local Panchayat office. They quarreled with each other both at office and at home. So much so that the quarrels became not just their cross, but their neighbours’ and colleagues’ as well. Others interfered and complained, but to no avail. They quarreled incessantly.

Finally they decided to split. With their different temperaments, they could not go about it amicably also. They fought in the court as well. Finally, there was intense relief when the divorce was granted. The rest of their life was theirs to enjoy, each felt. But in what way? And for how long?

Ashok did try to enter into a new friendship, but the new woman, who unconditionally agreed to whatever he said, irritated him more. And when he went to his mother for a holiday, the food that she served put him off. He felt none could match Rachana’s cooking skills. And when he went to stay with his sister for a few days, the dust and disorder in the house appalled him. How his home had shone when Rachana was the mistress of the house!

He had the custody of only one child and he yearned to see the other. In the end was the harm in fighting now and then, he asked himself. Shouting at each other was after all a vent for letting off steam. Quarrels were his panacea, placebo, appetizer or whatever else, based on the occasion and requirement. It was normal, but sitting silently was also maddening.

Man Woman Magic 121 Rachana was not as keen as Ashok on a reunion. But then, she found the man-less life and associated derisive attitude of others unpleasant. One day late at night a drunkard had rung the door bell and she had cuddled her daughter and kept awake for the rest of the night. It was so difficult without a man around. In the conservative society to which she belonged, a second husband was extremely difficult to come by. Nor did she want it for she was afraid of her 10 year-old daughter’s reaction. So when Ashok sent feelers, suggesting a reunion, she did not say no………

In a spirit of reprisal or on the heat of the moment, many choose to opt out of a marriage. But they have second thoughts once they start missing too many things that they had become used to.

The most famous instance of divorce and remarriage is that of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. The world-renowned beauty married her equally famous co-star in 1964. She divorced him after ten years, remarried him after a year and finally divorced him again after one more year of marriage. Another celebrity remarriage was the one between actor Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood, considered a top movie goddess of her times. They married first in 1957, divorced in 1962 and remarried again in 1972. They were still married when Natalie Wood drowned tragically near Catalina Island in 1981. Another actor couple, Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith were married and divorced twice.

So divorce need not necessarily terminate a relationship for life. No law prevents you from going back to your first love, if you feel you have made a mistake.

The possibility of being hurt again is far less dangerous

Man Woman Magic 122 for you in the long run than loneliness.

But if you find total incompatibility in marriage, it is better to separate sooner than later. Sometimes there could be irreconcilable value systems or irrational behaviour in a partner. Another may be blind to your needs, even when you have gone halfway with your readiness to sacrifice for his or her needs. Then the right choice is to part ways. That way life would stop becoming a parody and you will have your freedom. And you may get a fresh chance to experience with another person, that exquisite relationship, in its totally satisfying form. What makes some people dearest is not just the happiness that you feel when you meet them, but it’s the pain you feel when you miss them.

Man Woman Magic 123 Chapter 7

The Changing Faces of Man-Woman Relationship

When we pollute our relationships with unloving thoughts, or destroy or abort them with unloving attitudes, we are threatening our emotional survival – Marianne Williamson

“Mira has eloped with her lover,” Sudha told her friend.

“But why did she have to elope? Why couldn’t she get married the normal way?”

“Her parents did not approve of the relationship. So they ran away and married secretly.”

“But why secretly? Doesn’t she know that times have changed? If parents don’t approve, parents can run away and go into hiding these days. Who cares?”

Value systems, as in so many other arenas, have turned upside down in man-woman relationship as well. If Anarkali was bricked alive for daring to love, many parents are asked to brick themselves in if they don’t choose to accept what their offspring are doing.

The essence of man-woman magic has perhaps not changed, especially because of nature’s role in it. But the parameters that define the relationship have changed.

Change is the rule of life. Societies, and human beings who form them, steadily evolve. Modern society is freeing marriage from Man Woman Magic 124 the straitjacket into which older society had fitted it in. Conventional wisdom is being given the boot and marriage is fast becoming a matter of pure personal choice. It is a fervent merger of two persons and their persona, rather than the family alliances that erstwhile weddings used to be. People are able to assimilate ethnic diversities in marriage more easily than they could do in older days. Globalization is melting the boundaries of cultural differences and this is affecting man-woman relationship as well.

In the fast lane of societies, the change is so rapid that people are often not able to keep pace with it.

♦ A film actor married a woman of his choice, giving short shrift to his devoted wife of many years. A magazine ran a cover story supporting the cause of the deserted wife and many others like her. They gave tips to beleaguered wives on how to handle their unfaithful husbands. After just a few years, a similar incident occurred. This time the magazine ran a cover story, blessing the union and explaining how nothing, even a devoted wife, would stand in the way of true love.

When one reader questioned their volte face, the magazine simply replied that they were evolving. Maybe true. And societies, to whose requirement media caters, seem to be evolving at breakneck speed. These progressions do not seem to have any regulated trajectory. But, random mutations which are found to be beneficial, and seeking the best comfort level, take the value system forward.

If marriage is freeing itself from its conventional form, sex is freeing itself from the framework of marriage itself. Societies have started accepting promiscuous sex, though the definition of promiscuousness may vary from country to country and society to society. Contraceptives have reduced the risk of pregnancy and the young are bold enough to experiment with their lives. Man Woman Magic 125 Whatever the justification behind this change, the older generation is finding it difficult to accept the new abracadabra of mating. But the young choose to mate their own way. Even those who do not want to hurt their parents, choose to save them the pain in a rather lopsided way.

♦ Sweta met a young man in her office and came to like him. Few strolls in the park and as many dates later; she decided to move in with him. But her parents objected to that sort of live-in relationship. She acceded to their wish without throwing tantrums or rebelling. Compared to some of her friends, Sweta was docile and ‘soft’ towards the older generation.

A month after that Sweta was transferred to Delhi from Bangalore. Within a fortnight she shifted. She phoned her parents regularly and told them that her job and accommodation were quite comfortable. It took more than six months for her parents to realize that she had in fact not left Bangalore at all. She had just moved in with the boyfriend by making them believe that she was out of station! She was in a hurry to try out physical compatibility and marital friendship rather than wait for a committed and all-sharing relationship to learn about it. And her lie was due to her love for her parents, for she did not want to hurt them!

Indian society is strongly divided about this onslaught of sexual freedom. A classic example of this rift is society’s response to a statement on the matter that a well-known film star made.

Actress Khusboo drew a lot of flak for saying that “no educated man should expect his wife to be a virgin.” Maybe she made the comment a little before time. The society was obviously not ready for the comment, for, a large percentage of men still prefer to have virgin brides. But barring that one sentence, the rest of the issues that she addressed, on invitation from a Man Woman Magic 126 magazine, were instructive. She spoke about the “level of pre- marital sex and free sex prevalent in Indian society today, and the need for women to protect themselves against dangers of unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.” So what exactly was it that had the conservative local community up in arms? Surely, they knew that these things existed in our society, though maybe not to the extent of, and as openly as, in western societies. Is it not better to tackle the issues rather than act as if it did not exist?

Maybe it was the fear of social sanction that caused a section of the society to over-react to the statement. What the actress said was the way the city-bred, moneyed, emancipated younger generation wanted things to be. Her detractors were horrified because it was not the way they wanted things to be. They did not want the next generation, or whoever has not yet reached there, to ever imbibe such a value system. They were afraid that the words coming from a well-known personality might be translated as social approval by the younger generation.

Sanction or not, the younger generation is less averse to pre- martial and extra-marital sex than their parents. Rather than pushing the truth under the carpet or practicing ostrich psychology, controlling their behavior and guiding the youngsters correctly is the proper choice.

In a way, the wheel has turned full circle. Ancient societies had accepted things like prostitution and public sex as normal way of life. Kings, who went to battle, often had prostitutes in their entourage besides their own queens. Maybe they were considered a ‘necessity’ for the king. The much-hyped Hieros Gamos of ancient days was a sacred ritual where the participants hoped to get religious experience through sexual intercourse. “….The Hieros Gamos ritual is not a perversion. It’s a deeply sacrosanct ceremony.” Dan Brown – ‘The Da Vinci Code’ – page 335

Man Woman Magic 127 In a stunning example of history being repeated, a religious movement called ‘Children of God’ or ‘Family International’, started in 1968, advocated a form of liberal sexuality very similar to the ancient Hieros Gamos. They called on their members to visualize their sexual activity as happening with Jesus to the extent that men were instructed to visualise themselves as women so that Jesus could make love to them.

Of course, ‘Family International’ ideas are too far-fetched and the movement cannot be considered representative of the whole humanity. But then nor were Hieros Gamos rituals something that everyone indulged in. The thing was that those who wanted to indulge in it were allowed to do so.

But somewhere along the line, sex had become restricted to a long-standing monogamous relationship. Sex outside marriage ceased to be accepted openly. It continued to happen, but only in secret and was considered immoral.

Of course, there were people, who challenged the system. Well- known 20th century intellectuals, Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, who called their relationship ‘the anti-bourgeois equivalent of marriage’, had fifty-one years of togetherness, based on a contract of transparency. Both of them had lovers on the side for they did not feel that lovers or spouses had to be faithful to each other. What sustained their relationship, besides their intellectual and creative ardor, was not breaking the ground rule that they would be honest to each other about their other amorous indulgences.

Sartre and Beauvoir “became best friends for a while with Albert Camus. One day Simone told Albert he could take her to bed if he liked. Albert declined the invitation and Jean-Paul was livid with rage at what he perceived as an insult. From then on, Camus became their arch enemy, and they would say uncharitable

Man Woman Magic 128 things about Camus’ work.” That was the type or relationship the two intellectual giants had!

Another intellectual who advocated sexual freedom was Bertrand Russel (1871-1970), well-known philosopher, mathematician and writer. He opined that “sex between a man and woman who are not married to each other is not necessarily immoral if they truly love one another, and advocated “trial marriages” or “companionate marriage”, formalised relationships whereby young people could legitimately have sexual intercourse without being expected to remain married in the long term or to have children.”

But unlike Sartre and Beauvoir, Russell believed in the institution of marriage. What he advocated was easy divorce, especially for childless couple. Children were apparently important in his vision of things, for, he felt that if there were children in the picture; parents should remain together for their sake, but be tolerant of each other’s sexual infidelity. Both Bertrand and his second wife Dora continued to have sexual relationships with other partners while they remained married. This resulted in Dora having two children with the journalist, Griffin Barry.

During the olden days these luminaries thus challenged the prevalent system; very few people had the audacity to take society head on. But today more and more people want to free sex of its Victorian shackles to its former form where it was more unveiled, and was a celebration between consenting adults.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence – Oscar Wilde

All for love

Man Woman Magic 129 To live-in or not? That’s the question

All this while, I have voiced my thoughts on relationships that are either not working or on how to make them successful. Now, let’s go on to another sensitive topic. This is for those who are in a relationship, which has been working fine for a quite a long time. And who are adult enough to think about the next step.

We belong to a different generation today, and marriage isn’t something that everybody is ready for. So what do we do? We get into a live-in relationship. We find a home and build it around the person we love. It’s just that there are no wedding rings or rituals involved.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not asking you to jump into such a situation if you have a relationship that’s working, but at the end of the day, know that it’s about whatever makes you happy. And it is something that today’s generation is almost completely comfortable with, and in some cases, it is practiced as well. But being in a society that still looks down on live-in relationships, I have often wondered if it is justified to live with somebody you love and not expect a permanent commitment. What is it that drives people to live with their partner in the name of comfort and love, but not want to get married?

The reasons:

There are various reasons why one would go in for a live-in relationship as an alternative to marriage. First of all, most of these couples would tell you that they want to get married eventually. So why don’t they?

May be they want to learn the pleasures and problems of married life on a trial basis. May be they are just too much in

Man Woman Magic 130 love and want to see each other every second they get, taking advantage of the fact that they are responsible adults and know what they are doing. Or want to know if they are compatible and will live happily together after marriage.

Whatever the case or what we may think about the issue, it’s something that works out for the ones who are dare enough to try it. Because you learn more about each other this way than you would if you were in a normal “living separately” bond.

On the flipside, what if the relationship turns sour after you start living together? Do you just abandon it and move on? And if you do, do you ignore the way the society perceives you? What if you find yourself pregnant? Will you have the child or will you abort it if neither of you wants to keep the child? And what if there is abuse? How then do you call it off and return to your family? It is something to think about.

But like I said, at the end of the day, it’s what makes you happy. And there’s nothing like waking up in the arms of someone you love. It gives the participants some of the comforts of marriage, like sex, sharing etc., with less of its burdens and responsibilities.

In the 1970s-1980s, a practice was started in Gujarat that came to be known as ‘maitri karar’ or ‘friendship contract.’ According to this a man and a woman entered into a friendship agreement and lived together in an arrangement which resembled a marital one. A party to such an arrangement did not have the benefits of a normal marriage like the right of inheritance of property. People entered into this contract before a magistrate and the fact that such a process was able to wrench a semblance of legal sanction, as well as social sanction, speaks volumes about the changing attitudes of society. This was the early stage of Indians coming into open about unmarried coupling.

Man Woman Magic 131 The contract enabled people to live together and also have another relationship while the first marriage was in existence. Or it allowed unmarried people to test themselves. ‘Later this practice was converted into a “service agreement”, according to which the man would keep the woman of his choice in his house as a helper or a maid servant.’ Though ‘maitri karar’ in itself petered out after a while, more and more people are into live-in relationships these days.

Advocates of live-in arrangements have many points to cite in favour of it.

• When two people really love each other, there is no need to formalize the situation with the help of a religious or legal contract. In fact they are bound by ties much stronger than legalities.

• Because the commitment expected is less, adjustment required is also less in a live-in relationship. Each partner is accepted as he or she is, without having to mould oneself to suit another’s likes.

• All you lose are things like inheritance rights, tax benefits etc. Anyway, in countries where living-in has become common, even law has started providing for it. For example, the following are the legal provisions in British Columbia for partners of live-in relationships.

1. “If you are in a common-law relationship (opposite- or same-sex), you have the same legal responsibility to support your spouse, but it takes effect at a different time, after you have been living together for at least two years.

Man Woman Magic 132 2. That means if you decide to separate before you have been living together for two years, you do not legally have to support your former spouse.

3. If you live together more than two years, however, then you are legally responsible for financially supporting your spouse, if that support is needed.”

When too many people start indulging in a certain practice, laws are soon formulated to avoid malpractices.

• Some people consider living-in as a pre-requisite for marriage. Where society is ready to remove the stigma attached to sex outside marriage, living-in could be a way of training oneself for marriage. A blogger says that it helps people to understand “the irritants and the idiosyncrasies of each other, and then allows them to make a decision as to whether the irritants are something that can be overlooked for the rest of their combined lives or not.”

• After living-in, you can go into marriage if you feel you are suited to each other, or walk out if you are not, with less of bitterness than a married couple and none of the rigmaroles of divorce. Once you marry and find that you are not suited to one another, disentangling is cumbersome process. Of course, these arguments do not in itself establish living-in relationships as a fool-proof substitute for marriage. There are plenty of arrows in the quiver of its critics too, to counter each and every one of these arguments. But the point here is that, in India at least, it might have been difficult to garner open support for such a set-up a few decades ago.

The removal of the stigma attached to sex outside marriage has its benefits even for the ultra-conservative society. Such was

Man Woman Magic 133 the emphasis on woman’s chastity earlier that erstwhile society condemned even the victim of a rape.

♦ Dona was all of nineteen years and had been married for two years. She had come to stay with her parents for a week as it was the time of the annual festival at her parental village. During the revelry of the festival, a drunken neighbor raped Dona. The girl and her parents were traumatized. But the worst blow came when her husband, after hearing the news, refused to take her back. He felt that she had become impure and would be a blot on the honour of his family. Nor could he bear to be the butt of his co-villagers snide comments.

That was thirty years ago. Today men are less narrow minded and even if they cannot condone an adulterous wife, they have at least learned to accept a wife who has been raped.

Another changing facet of man-woman equation is the increase in the number of single parents. While earlier it was death or divorce that forced people to play the dual role of father and mother, they are, by choice, ready for the two-in-one role these days. People may remain single or childless for the following reasons:

1. Inability to find a suitable mate.

2. Loss of a partner due to death or divorce or other disagreements.

3. Delay in having a child due to career commitments.

4. Loss of a child.

5. Inability to conceive a child.

Man Woman Magic 134 Being single especially when it is not by choice, is quite painful for men and women. And it is added grievance, when its corollary, a child, is also denied per force. Single parenthood substantially remedies this situation. Women, who are into relationships that have no legal sanction, opt to have children from the union and raise them alone.

Single parenthood involves single parent adoption as well. Though laws of some of the countries make single parent adoption a little difficult, the overwhelming view today is that if a single person satisfies all the other qualifications that are needed to nurture a child, other than marriage, then there is no valid reason to deny them adoption. He or she may also be able to give whole-hearted attention to the child as there is no need to share the available time between a spouse and a child. Adoption has the peculiar quality of making marriage and sex redundant. At the same time, it makes a marriage complete, endowing the couple with parenthood, the acme of fulfillment in a heterosexual union.

More fresh dew on the old ramparts of conventional conjugal system is better marriage options for widowed and divorced people, especially women. Though every community did not ban women’s remarriage, some banned the remarriage of even a teenage widow or divorcee. Even where society was liberal enough to allow remarriage, it rarely happened, due to non-availability of willing grooms. Elders chose brides for their sons and hardly anyone wanted a widow or a divorcee as a daughter-in-law.

Today, free-mingling amidst young people give such women more opportunities to meet members of the opposite sex and explain their side of the story.

♦ Suma’s marriage had lasted hardly six months. When her husband found out that she was pregnant at the time of

Man Woman Magic 135 marriage, he filed for divorce. Suma was forced to return to her parents. Her parents, though appalled, helped her with raising the baby and let her pursue her career.

Anand was her colleague. He was five years younger than her and was junior to her in job hierarchy as well. But they struck a friendship that gradually grew. In stages, she confessed to Anand all that had happened in her life.

Her lover Sukant, the child’s father, was a nice person. They had decided to get married but she was hesitant to broach the subject to her parents. Sukant was a person who had worked his way up from the lowest strata of society and his parents still bore all the marks of deprivation in their attire, demeanor and dialect. She was unsure of her parents approval. It was only after a lot of dithering that she had picked up the courage to present him to her parents. But on the day he was coming home to meet her parents, he was killed in a scooter accident.

And it was only after his death that she realized that she was pregnant. She had panicked, not knowing in whom to confide or how to terminate the pregnancy medically. It was at that juncture that the marriage proposal came. She had agreed to it thinking that it was too early to be detected and that a marriage would save her and her parents from lot of embarrassment.

But it was not to be. Her lie was exposed and they had to undergo extra humiliation. Now she was earning well and had no problem in bringing up her son.

Anand eventually married her. Suma was five years older than him and a divorcee with a child, and her divorce was a result of her fault. Even with all that, she got a fresh lease of life from a man. This difference in what defines ‘acceptability’ for a woman is a major change in the horizon of man-woman relationship in India. Man Woman Magic 136 If criterion of acceptability has changed for women, so has it for oldies. Earlier, graying hair and senility were supposed to go hand in hand. And a senior citizen was not expected to be attracted to the opposite sex. He or she was expected to live as an ascetic and find solace only in the success and happiness of their children. Elderly people who were open about their need for opposite-sex companionship did not have an easy time. That state of affairs has changed.

In 1999, When I was doing Defence Services Staff College Course (DSSC) at Wellington, Ooty (Near Coimbatore in the state of Tamilnadu), I was told about what happened to Colonel Menon.

♦ The year was 1960. Col. Menon was 61 years old. He had retired from the army and settled down with his wife in the hill station Wellington, near Ooty in South India. A nature and animal lover, he was running a poultry farm and vegetable farm when he suddenly lost his wife to a heart attack.

He was inconsolable and felt totally helpless. He might have managed on his own if it had happened when he was young because then there was his career to engage him. But at that advanced age he could not even conceive of being alone. So a few months into his wife’s death, he put an ad in a friendship column with the addenda ‘view matrimony.’

His friends and relatives heaped scorn on him. They felt he was being lecherous. ‘Why can’t the fellow go and stay with one of his sons and spend time on spiritual pursuits?’ commented one of them. But the colonel stood his ground. He said he had both physical and a mental need for a woman. His own children felt scandalized at what they perceived as undignified behaviour.

Man Woman Magic 137 In the end, though he stood his ground against the relatives, he remained unmarried. Women were also hesitant then to respond openly. This mind-set has today undergone a sea change and women of all ages are more open about their need for male companionship. Even fifty years ago, it was difficult for the majority of Indian women to do anything other than accept a mate the family has chosen. And if the family could not find a mate for her due to reasons like financial problems, family stigma etc. she was generally condemned to permanent spinsterhood.

Advertisements for women friends / companions in newspapers and websites today, elicit a huge response. Lots of women, who are conventionally chaste and outwardly sedate, respond to these ads. Since society’s taboos make it difficult for them to be open about their yearning for male company, mail-friendships are a great relief to them.

To further complicate the male-female hocus-pocus, homosexuals have now become contenders for space in a domain over which heterosexuals had ruled unchallenged for ages. The gay/lesbian community, who feel sexual and romantic attraction towards those of their same sex, is becoming increasingly vociferous. And they are being accepted. What was considered perverse once is considered normal today.

The famous author Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) was a homosexual. It is not clear whether his statement that “a man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her” has anything to do with his sexual orientation, but he had to bear a lot of humiliation and even incarceration for being a gay. Homosexuality was a criminal offence during his days. Such was the humiliation attached to the act that even his wife had to flee the country with their children and change the family name.

Man Woman Magic 138 In sharp contrast to this, today we have leading writers championing the cause of homosexuals. Well-known author Vikram Seth has appeared in TV programs, proclaiming to the watching millions that he is bisexual. And Vikram Seth and Nobel laureate Amartya Sen are leading a group of activists demanding a repeal of Section 377 of IPC, which prescribes punishment for gays. In a letter to the Government of India, the group says that “Section 377, by making same-sex relations a crime, violates fundamental human rights of gay and bisexual men and women.”

The laws of many countries now recognize homosexuality as something natural and some countries even guard same-sex marriages with the type of inheritance rights and benefits that guard their heterosexual marriages. Above all, many families and societies are taking a flexible attitude to what they once thought as an unnatural condition.

The movie “Brokeback Mountain” (2005), screened at the Venice International Film Festival, which portrays gay love, was a runaway success. The two leading male characters, who accidentally discover their love for each other, initially struggle to hide it from the world not just to avoid scandal but also to protect their family – their wives and children whom they love. But time and distance only increases their ardor for each other and they contrive to meet secretly.

In the nineties the Indian movie “Fire” which portrayed lesbians for the first time in India attracted a lot of attention and brought lesbians into the public domain. Gay rights movements did suffer a setback after the advent of AIDS because of the conviction that the disease mostly affected gays. Gay leaders, however, choose to disagree. “People have to stop seeing AIDS as a gay disease,” says Ashok Row Kavi, one of India’s leading gay activists: “It’s a public health issue. More and more heterosexual women are being infected.”

Man Woman Magic 139 ♦ Some gays are said to be ready to even contract AIDS for love’s sake! Two young men in their mid-20s, who were call center employees, started a relationship. After the courtship through restaurants and theatres, they were ready for the next stage when one of them, say X, strongly resisted the physical relationship. The other, Y, soon found out that the resistance was due to X’s intense love of his partner. X was HIV positive and did not want Y to contract it. Y, consumed by love and grief, became ready to have sex with his partner even at the cost of contracting AIDS and dying along with him! Partakers of what was once considered an unnatural act, are taking it to a more self-sacrificing and poignant level than heterosexual relationship. Is the other sex then necessary for all?

Homosexuality, in a way, negates man-woman magic. But there are espousers of these alternative forms of sexuality who nevertheless marry and have children with individuals of the opposite sex. This may be done for social reasons like carrying on the family line. It may also be done to cover one’s orientation in societies that do not accept same-sex relations or when the individual himself feels guilty about his tendency. Lesbian women sometimes opt to have children through artificial insemination. The problem is sometimes solved through adoption, but then the child so adopted has to be born out of a heterosexual union! There is no way one sex can manage without the other.

Another changed picture in the kaleidoscope of man-woman camaraderie is surrogate motherhood. The natural way of conceiving a child was given a go by with the introduction of in - vitro fertilization, when babies started getting conceived in a test tube in a laboratory. Now surrogate motherhood, which has raised far more legal and ethical questions than test tube babies, has given another dimension to heterosexual bonding. Here a

Man Woman Magic 140 woman bears the child of a man whom she might not have even seen or met, and neither is in love or married to that person.

There are two forms of surrogacy. In the first, a woman bears a child for a couple where the husband is the genetic father and the woman bearing the child is the genetic mother. Here the surrogate mother is artificially inseminated by the husband’s sperm. In rare instances, where all the three are willing, the woman is impregnated in the natural way also. The couple generally draws up an agreement with the surrogate mother, agreeing to pay a fee and pay her for all her personal and medical expenses while the child is in the womb. It is an arrangement that basically works on trust and there have been cases where the genetic mother has broken the contract and refused to hand over the child after birth.

In the second, the woman bearing the child may not be the genetic mother. The fertilized embryo is transplanted into the surrogate mother who carries it for the full term and gives birth. Here the couple who engages the surrogate mother might be genetically the father and mother of the child.

Sure, surrogacy denies men and women one of the most satisfying experiences of marriage. But for those couples whom nature itself has denied that pleasure, science has indeed offered a wonderful alternative to enjoy them at least second-hand. And a child, born through a surrogate parent or not, only tightens the bond of love between man and woman.

Artificial insemination, a form of surrogacy, has been in existence much longer. But it has never caused the type of emotional and legal problems that renting of a womb has caused. In many cases the identity of the sperm donor is not revealed to the mother. The donor too, often donates his sperm to the sperm bank and Man Woman Magic 141 does not know whom he has serviced and whether there was a successful birth out of it.

So much has changed in the way men and women receive from, and react to, each other and the way they expect to get the rewards of their union. Some of the changes have helped tighten the bond while others have made the relationship more flexible and in a way, less secure. Whatever it is, love’s avenues are more labyrinthine these days.

To Summarise, we can say:

1. In olden days marriage was treated as more or less an alliance between families than between two individuals. This is changing and marriage is becoming more and more just a union between two consenting adults.

2. Live-in-relationships, which religion, law and society abhorred once, are becoming common.

3. Sex outside marriage is getting condoned.

4. The number of single parents has increased. More and more people are ready to go ahead in life without a partner’s support.

5. Remarriage has become easier for widowed and divorced people, especially women.

6. Older men and women are becoming more open about their need for each other’s companionship.

7. Society has started to accept alternate forms of sexuality, especially gay and lesbian relationships.

8. Artificial insemination and surrogate parentage are becoming more common.

Man Woman Magic 142 Man-woman magic is a peculiar kinship that nature, society and individuals connive to kindle. And though the relationship has been dissected minutely by doctors, lawyers, psychiatrists, counselors and writers, none has been able to divest it of its aura of enigma. And it is that tinge of mystery, which it wears like a halo that gives the bond all its irresistible charm.

Man – Woman should understand each other like fish and water:

Fish to water: you won’t ever see my tears, because I am in the water.

Water replied: But I can feel your tears, because you are in my heart.

If we have a relationship like this, then we can believe in miracles. But let us not totally depend on them. It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Let us not limit our challenges, but let us challenge our limits.

Man Woman Magic 143 Chapter 8 How to handle your Husband?

If you want happiness for an hour – take a nap.

If you want happiness for a day – go on a picnic.

If you want happiness for a week – take a vacation

If you want happiness for a month – get married

If you want happiness for a year – inherit wealth

If you want happiness for a life time – learn to love what you do for your living.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Rangeela:

Aamir Khan, a neighbourhood boy falls in love with Urmila Matondkar, a bollywood extra, in the Hindi movie “Rangeela”. The bollywood extra moves on to become a leading actress, but in the end, returns to be with Aamir. Marriages must have been made in heaven. If they were not, where else would such a Utopian concept work? But if marriage has survived in the real world then much is required of the couple.

Siblings are genetically connected. They also share the same family. Hence the whole socio-cultural environment is also connected. Yet siblings share love as well as rivalry. Partners in marriage have fewer common factors and yet expected to co- exist in mutual comfort. Most certainly the task is difficult but Man Woman Magic 144 not impossible. If both partners realize this is not an automatic process, but needs to be planned, reviewed and changed from both sides, chances of survival are high.

Are there any more challenges that a marriage faces?

What does “For better or for worse” really mean? Marriage is like a rubber band. As much as it can, it will stretch, accommodate and adjust. And finally the bond will snap if the rubber band is not strong. If flexibility could be more balanced, it would not be pushed to snapping point. Perhaps a lesson is to accommodate but up to a point only. Not to the point where your tolerance reaches rock bottom and then you just don’t give a damn!

While individual roles were clearly defined earlier, this demarcation is no longer water tight. Women have pushed their way into every profession and hierarchy. Similarly, they demand a helping hand from their husbands in the hitherto feminine areas. This role reversal is a change that modern marriage has to be able to take in its stride.

The early part of marriages sees a lot of passion. Partners need constant physical and sexual contact and much time together. This slowly gives way to comfortable love, affection, companionship and respect. Sometimes things go wrong. Unresolved conflicts usually create an environment of anger and if conflicts remain unresolved for long, there is a danger of both negative and positive emotions dying. Indifference is perhaps more dangerous for a marriage than a big fight.

And finally marriage too goes through several metamorphoses. Every crisis that partners face, changes them. And the bond of marriage must be dynamic enough to withstand this. The rules that govern marriage are perhaps written in sand and both partners have to change, grow and keep in step with each other.

Man Woman Magic 145 If so then the marriage made in heaven has a good chance of living happily after! Being human always means reaching out beyond one self – reaching out for something other than oneself – for something or someone, for a meaning to fulfill, or for another human being to love. – Victor E Frankl

Tests show that women rate three percent higher in general intelligence than men. It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog – Joan Rivers.

Research on marriage has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. “We have worked to build positivity in our relationship. No one can avoid some negativity, but you can limit it” say Sanjay and Gayatri – a couple. “I love the outdoors and Gayatri does not share my interest. So when I am out trekking or driving she pursues her passion for art by visiting galleries. This way, we are able to give each other the space and we are so much happier with each other now”.

In a relationship two people are never at standstill. They are either moving closer or further apart. Love does not happen on Valentine’s Day, birthdays, vacations or festivals. It happens every day of our life. The ‘We’ in a relationship is built with team work, with each partner contributing and doing his or her best.

An emotional man can lash out like a reptile; An emotional woman prefers to “talk about it” Man Woman Magic 146 Keeping the love alive Win a heart which never breaks. Give a smile which never hurts. Make a touch which never pains. Make a relationship that never ends.

A relationship is not always smooth and at balance. At times, it can become frustrating and you might start questioning whether or not you even want to be with your partner. At some point in time, most couples go through a phase in their relationship where one starts neglecting the other or one gets too busy and the other wants more time. Instead of calling it quits, you can try and mend things and rekindle the love that seems to be fading. The following are tips on what you can do in order to make sure the love remains and to once again bond with your partner.

After dusting the photo album, Hema decided to open it. Tears welled in her eyes as each snapshot reminded her of the fun she and Joseph used to enjoy as sweet hearts and newly weds. Here they were on a vacation to Ooty. Here was the happy couple on the day of their wedding.

Where did those good times go, she wondered? Where are the smiles we used to bring to each other’s faces?

It wasn’t that their marriage had turned completely sour. Ram was in many ways a model husband, and she couldn’t imagine life with any one else. They had a handsome home and two bright children. But they seldom spent time together and never seemed to laugh any more. Whole evenings passed in silence. Even their sex life had lost its sizzle. Hema summed up their marriage in three words, “Dull, Dull, Dull”

Man Woman Magic 147 A marriage like this suffers “Dry rot”. Such a relationship is like a house whose structural framework is slowly crumbling. Externally everything looks fine. Yet something has slipped away, and no one is even aware that it is gone. That something is fun. And it disappears not by decision but by default.

In his book, “Intimate play” Boston psychiatrist William Betcher stresses that a spirit of fun is crucial to a fulfilling relationship. “Couples who have fun together are really saying, “I trust you to love me even when I’m being silly,” he explains.

The joy of marriage is easy to lose in today’s fast paced world, but it can be brought back if both partners are willing to try. It doesn’t even require a great deal of time – just commitment. If your marriage has lost its spirit of fun, here are some suggestions:

Let your guard down: Too many couples consider marriage a deadly serious matter, a cheerless routine of budget balancing, Parent Teacher Association (PTA) meetings and other such duties. They have so often advised to “Work at Marriage” that they never let up.

One couple I had counseled hadn’t taken a vacation by themselves in ten years. They felt guilty about ‘having a good time’ with so many ‘important’ things to do. They put the children first without thinking that the children would suffer most if the central core of the marriage didn’t survive.

So the first step for a couple is to grant themselves permission to have fun.

Plan to be spontaneous: “Planned spontaneity sounds contradictory”. But you can’t be spontaneous if you don’t have time to be. Carve time for yourselves, away from other distractions, to do whatever you like. Take an afternoon off and Man Woman Magic 148 drive out to see the winter snows capes, just the two of you. Go to the zoo, buy balloons and feed the monkeys.

One busy lawyer set aside and evening a week to “date” his wife. He would hire a baby sitter, but never tell his wife in advance where they were going. Once he took her to an amusement park, another time to a rock concert. One evening he had a candle light dinner catered and served at home.

“The point wasn’t where they went or what they did”. It was the message that time was reserved just for her.

Be playful: Remember how you used to call each other pet names? Or giggle for no reason, just because you were happy together?

Yet is often the first casualty in marriage. After they are married, people say to themselves, “Grow Up! Act your age!” or “Joseph, not in front of the children!” But playful intimacy is something that transcends age.

Above all, intimate play is a matter of reinforcing a relationship by touching. The affectionate pat, the sudden hug, the teasing tickle can say, “I love being with you” more effectively than words.

Surprise each other: Doing something unexpected for your spouse shows that you’ve been thinking of him or her. Surprise him/her by saying “you have been in my thoughts even while we were apart”.

It doesn’t have to be a new car. The surprise one woman remembers best is the spring morning her husband got up early, plucked the first rose of the year from their garden and put it by her bedside.

Man Woman Magic 149 Laugh together: many couples once laughed together frequently, but rarely do so any more. Yet there are ways to recharge relationships with mirth. One man makes an effort to remember the jokes or quips that amused him at the office during the day so he can tell them to his wife at night. One woman sticks cartoons to the refrigerator, another posts comic signs. Couples with VCRs can rent the comedies they once laughed at together.

A shared joke draws couples together and says, “I know you well enough to understand what makes you laugh” Indeed, one study reported by Psychology Today indicates that those couples who laugh at the same jokes are more likely to remain together. A common sense of humour reflects shared values.

And talk about the things that will make your relationship work – and then do them.

Time Together: In today’s world when both men and women have equal career opportunities, it gets difficult to spend quality time together. If you are free, may be your man or woman has work or vice versa. With such little time to share, you will obviously feel that the relationship is not growing and then start feeling slightly frustrated. The way to work around this is to plan “us time” with your partner. Try to co-ordinate your schedules so that you can spend the weekend together. A little effort can help your relationship in the long run. You could even try and ensure to have dinner together or set aside to have dinner together or set aside one or two evenings a week to spend time with each other.

Time apart: Spending quality time with yourself is as important to your relationship, as spending time together. Go out with your friends and family and be aware that you need to have a life of your own. If you spend every free minute with your partner, Man Woman Magic 150 he or she might just start asking you for space, so don’t let it come to that. Also, it is too much pressure on your partner to know that you depend on him or her to account for all your free time. Besides, the less you pressure him or her for time, the more they would want to spend time with you.

Keep the Interest: When two people just start dating, every thing is new and they have yet to discover each other. However, once you spend enough time together the interest and anticipation begins to wear off. Therefore, you need to constantly spark your partner’s interest and keep changing the way to relate to each other. You could surprise him or her by taking them on a holiday or try something new to spice things up in the bedroom.

Respect: This is most important ingredient for any relationship to work. You need to understand and accept your partner for who he or she is and they need to do the same with regard to you. If you and your partner are always thinking about yourselves individually and not collectively, there might be a problem. You need to reach middle ground and make compromises. When two people stop respecting each other’s ideas and expectations, the relationship is bound to break. So, always respect your partner’s feelings and make sure he or she does the same for you. Don’t offer a man advice unless he asks for it. Tell him you have confidence in his ability to work things out.

Make it happen: Try a fresh approach or get back to basics to see what you liked about each other to begin with. Think out of the box. Find things that you both have in common and move on from there.

Man Woman Magic 151 A marriage thrives on the sunlight of familiarity and routine, but needs to be watered regularly with novelty and spontaneity to keep the relationship from withering. People who laughed together once should never allow joylessness to overtake their marriage.

As William Betcher says, “Fun is important”. Sarah Carton adds, “The best marriages have an atmosphere of lightheartedness”.

You may be tempted to say, “But I already know these things”. It’s true that much of what’s written here is just plain, ordinary common sense, yet when was the last time you brought your husband breakfast in bed? When was the last time you read a book together? When was the last time you talked late into the night?

If there’s one message that comes through from couples who have made something very special of their lives together, it’s this; set aside the time to understand each other.

Any relationship needs constant work. You must be willing to work at it if you want to keep the romance alive. There are many ways to get the chemistry back. You could try small touches like leaving little love-notes around, going for candle lit dinners or sending each other flowers at work. If the two of you have bigger problems, then it might be a good idea to try and get away together for a while. Go somewhere exciting and experience the thrill of discovering a new city together. Try new experiences like adventure sports; just make sure the two of you have loads of fun together.

So what are the common cribs men have against their women? Here are few of them:

1. She is always trying to change me.

Man Woman Magic 152 2. Always tells me what to do, how to speak, eat, dress…..

3. Gosh, does she love to shop!

4. She and her friends talk so much.

5. She wants to chat as soon as I come home.

I can almost see the men nodding in agreement!

But surely women are pointing at their men as well:

1. He has no time for me.

2. He just doesn’t listen.

3. He never shows that he cares.

4. He never tries to understand me, just wants to quickly fix the problem.

5. I do so much for him and my family.

It takes two hands to clap and both partners are contributing their bit towards lack of harmony in marriage.

Women say:

Man Woman Magic 153 We are down

In life

In size

In bed

In beatings

Women say:

We are up

In love

In child bearing

In responsibility

In sacrifice

Man Woman Magic 154 Types of Husbands:

Type My estimate Your estimate

Good for everything 0%

Good for almost everything 6%

Good for most things 30%

Good for many things 40%

Good for some things 20%

Good for nothing 4%

Total 100%

No husband can be in one category for too long. He can go up or down depending upon how he interacts with his family, friends and colleagues. The wife must understand the limitations of her husband and deal with him accordingly. If you have reason for loving somebody then you are using your mind. But if you love somebody for no reason – then you are using your heart.

Very little is needed to make your husband feel great! It costs almost nothing. You don’t have to give him a designer wrist watch, or a diamond ring – just a smile, a wink, a kiss, any one or all of them (not necessarily in that order) – that is it! Your husband will feel eleven feet tall. Try. And you don’t even have to do it daily, may be once a week, once a month – even once a year. Your husband is basically very simple, with a hard shell but soft inside – a coconut!

Man Woman Magic 155 A wife must realize that for her own happiness, she must have a happy husband. Every husband is essentially the same. On the inside there is much in him of the little boy who wants to be pampered and spoiled; on the outside, he is the man of the family. One thing is sure; you can’t change your husband. Therefore, accept him as he is. If you still want to try changing a few things which you don’t like in him, do it gently over a few years. The purpose of the relationship is not to have someone who might complete you but to have someone with whom you might share your completeness. How I got my message across to my husband?

I would like to reproduce an article that appeared in the Deccan Chronicle Hyderabad (by arrangement with New York Times) by Lisa K Friedman:

The simple truth is that if you want to be heard by your husband, you must speak a language he understands. A friend of mine is married to a wealthy spendthrift who used to drive like a maniac. My friend repeatedly expressed her fear about his dangerous habits but he didn’t modify his behaviour; money was the language he spoke. She gave him one final warning. He didn’t give in, so without any fanfare, she withdrew $40,000 from their bank accounts and bought herself a luxury convertible. I hear he’s a pretty safe driver now.

My husband is a lawyer, so naturally the language he best understands is that of the legal profession. For more than two decades we have enjoyed a peaceful relationship, until six weeks ago, when I stumbled off a curb on the first day of a long awaited vacation abroad, breaking my foot and thus ending the trip before

Man Woman Magic 156 it really began. That’s when my gentle husband, with whom I’ve raised two children, became someone I didn’t know; resentful, accusing and uncaring. And this hideous behaviour lasted long beyond the accident and its immediate aftermath. Neither my silent seething nor my open anger would reach him. So I turned to the language he spoke; I served him with a mock complaint, claiming breach of contract (our marriage contract). I drafted it myself, using all the standard conventions, as I have watched him do many times. Then I hired a legal courier to deliver it to my husband’s office, identify him and conclude with the standard assertion; “You have been served.” What he saw when opened the envelope went something like this: Complaint

Comes now, plaintiff, Lisa K Friedman, and for her complaint against the defendant, her husband, states as follows:

The Parties

1. The plaintiff is a housewife, whose role includes general household maintenance, food service, transportation and management of the domicile shared by them, their two children and one dog.

2. Her Husband, the defendant, is an attorney in Washington, D. C.Jurisdiction and Venue

3. The circuit court for Montgomery County, Md., handles major criminal and civil cases including marital breach of contract complaints filed by any and all outraged wives, who, after suffering vacation – ending injuries, are mistreated by their husbands.

Man Woman Magic 157 Background facts

4. On March 15, 1992, Lisa K Friedman, heretofore known as “The Plaintiff” and her husband signed a contract of marriage.

5. The contract contemplated, among many clauses that the parties will “love and comfort, in sickness and in health” for an estimated length of time described in the contract as “as long as (they) both shall live”. Breach of Contract

6. The defendant breached the contract by failing and refusing to offer aid and comfort to the plaintiff after she stumbled off a curb in front of the hotel where the couple intended to enjoy a romantic and restful three nights before beginning their hiking tour of remote historical sites in Israel and Jordan.

The fall fractured the fifth metatarsal bone of her right foot. Neither the plaintiff nor the defendant immediately knew that the foot was broken, despite the plaintiff’s report that she heard a snapping sound when she stumbled and fell. The defendant dismissed this evidence of broken bone, contending ridiculously, that it must have been the strap on her sandal snapping. The plaintiff did not feel the bone snap because she was consumed at the time by intense pain. Therefore, they did not find out the foot was broken until days later, when they were back in the Unites States. No medical care was sought for the plaintiff in Israel even though the next morning her foot was very swollen.

7. The defendant breached the contract by behaving in a nasty and demeaning way toward the plaintiff in the immediate aftermath of the accident, including but not limited to terse comments, ridicule, eye rolling and ignoring

Man Woman Magic 158 of the injured plaintiff. Even though the defendant seemed to sense that his behaviour toward the plaintiff was truly unforgivable, he simply couldn’t control it due to the mounting inconvenience caused by her untimely stumble. This inconvenience included the defendant’s resentment filled two hour search for crutches for the plaintiff, which left him mute with frustration.

8. The defendant breached the contract, and all acceptable codes of husbandly (and human) conduct, by remaining unhelpful when it came to the required purchase of air line tickets for their premature return to the United States. At the time the defendant could not have known that the cost of these last minute tickets would total a staggering $6,000. But he did know that this amount would be added to the $4,000 the plaintiff and defendant already had paid for their original advanced purchase tickets and would not include the countless thousands of dollars in guides, lodging and transportation. So perhaps it was the defendant’s piqued awareness of this looming financial nightmare that caused him to snap at the plaintiff about booking the tickets.

9. The defendant breached the contract by not caring for the plaintiff during the 12-hour flight from Tel Aviv to New York Airport; although in his defense he did allow her to have the business class seat they had purchased (being one of only two seats available on that flight).

10. The defendant breached the contract by allowing the plaintiff to languish unattended in her borrowed airport wheelchair in the baggage claim area while he ignored her gestures of distress.

11. The defendant’s breach of contract extends to the care and feeding of the plaintiff in subsequent days and weeks, by serving meals that were untimely and often inedible.

12. The defendant breached the contract by balking at transporting the plaintiff to her first doctor’s appointment, where Man Woman Magic 159 a giant compression boot was attached to her leg, and for making it seem as if she was ruining his life when his suggestion that she “drive with (her) left foot” was rejected.

13. The defendant breached the contract by remaining generally unhelpful to the plaintiff during her long and painful recovery and even behaving detrimentally through acts of negligence in the bathroom. Count Two Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

14. The egregious behaviour of the defendant caused the plaintiff to experience the flashbacks of guilt regarding the details of her accident causing additional worry over any future vacation she may take with the defendant or any future injury she may suffer in his presence.

15. The defendant’s heinous and inexplicable behaviour caused the plaintiff undue distress and misery and forced her to feel great hatred for and fury at the defendant.

16. The plaintiff remains unsure of the personality and general compatibility of her spouse, the defendant, as it pertains to her future with him.

Wherefore, the plaintiff demands judgment against her husband, the defendant, in an indeterminate amount of repeated and continual apology, groveling, gourmet restaurant dining and chauffeuring, the latter of which, should he become lost en route, may involve great confusion and stress, during which the defendant must remain calm and in good spirits. This judgment is to be served incrementally over the coming decades, or as the plaintiff sees fit, and will include coverage of all other costs such as attorney’s fees and other relief as this court deems appropriate.

Man Woman Magic 160 Signed

Lisa K Friedman, Plaintiff

Elvis Friedman, canine, witness

When my husband opened the envelope and saw my name, he thought I was divorcing him. When he began to read, he realized I was sending him a message. He was grateful I could have a sense of humour about it. He apologized and promised to reform. But, in my court of personal opinion, he remains on probation. As for me, my compression boot came off a while ago and in two weeks I lose the Velcro brace. Meaning I will soon be able to walk normally. But I’ve been thinking; wouldn’t’ summer be a nice time to drive around in a convertible? Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up – Joseph Barth

Ten ways to harmonise with your spouse: 1. Go away now and then, on tours and trips. 2. Dress differently, but elegantly. 3. Visit places together. 4. Meet couples who are known for their intimacy. 5. Watch romantic movies together. 6. Have intimate conversations. 7. Never criticize your in-laws, show affection towards them. 8. Look forward to greeting each other everyday after work.

Man Woman Magic 161 9. Avoid appreciating your spouse’s colleagues. 10. Highlight the sterling qualities of your spouse to others.

If a woman is unhappy in her relationships, she can’t concentrate on her work. If a man is unhappy at work, he can’t focus on his relationships Getting from “I” to “We”:

Relationships are so much stronger when we incorporate the “We” into them.

1. Make time for your relationship, no matter what.

2. Sustaining and healing relationships requires working overtime.

3. Communicate your intentions and needs. Don’t wait for your partner to try and guess what is going on with you.

4. Communicate positively instead of “why didn’t you ask me first?” Try “I feel hurt that you didn’t ask me before you decided”.

5. Listen to your partner. Put aside your own thoughts for the time being.

6.If tempers run high, wait until you are both calm.

7. Find a way to learn to resolve or to live with your differences, rather than “be right”.

8. Accept each other’s views.

9. If issues are not resolved and arguments recur, check if you are being unreasonable. Man Woman Magic 162 10. Talk to your partner about decisions that affect both of you.

11. Discuss social adjustments with your partner to work out a balance that’s comfortable for both of you.

12. Don’t allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.

13. Don’t lead parallel lives. Indulge in joint activities.

14. Express your affection for your partner often.

15. Make a date at least once a week for just the two of you to do something.

16. Do not take your relationship for granted. Reciprocate your husband’s gestures no matter how little they seem.

17. Men hate criticism – that’s why they like to marry virgins.

18. Happiness is never perfect unless it is shared.

19. Have confidence in your husband.

20. You can make your husband a lion or a mouse.

21. When your husband comes home, do not shout but welcome him with a smile.

22. Stay away from Temptations and adjust within the limited budget.

23. Don’t take your husband for granted.

Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, tolerance, self restraint, and other valuable qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single

Man Woman Magic 163 Make your Husband feel Great! Pygmalion Effect:

This self- fulfilling prophecy is a psychological phenomenon which is most applicable between a husband and a wife. It is also known as the ‘Pygmalion Effect’, after the famous George Bernard Shaw play, later to become the movie ‘My Fair Lady’. Pygmalion is a character in Greek and Roman Mythology who believed so strongly in the beauty of the statue he had carved that it came to life.

Now, if you think your husband is a pygmy, you can be sure he will become one over the years. Opinion of your husband influences his behaviour – especially in your presence.

Similarly, start thinking that your wife is a very good wife, a very good mother, a very good daughter in law and if you keep on thinking that way, she will become one.

In the fairy tale, “Beauty and the Beast”, a young girl meets a frightening monster. To save her family from his wrath, she agrees to live with him. Eventually, by getting to know him, she overcomes her loathing and even grows to love him. A miracle occurs, and he is restored to his true, princely self.

This seems to underscore a popular assumption that we can change someone for the better through the force of our love and that; if we are female it is our duty to do so. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; For what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

Man Woman Magic 164 We must die one life before we enter into another. – Anatole France. Problematic Husband:

…………….There are many! Do remember this Sufi story when thinking of improving your husband:

Once there was a rug merchant. He noticed a large bump in his drawing room carpet. He was puzzled and in a reflex action he jumped on it and the bump disappeared. He was happy. But soon the bump appeared at a different place. He jumped on it again and again and again. The bump kept reappearing. Again in a reflex action, he started rolling up the carpet and an angry snake dashed out.

You may be puzzled by your husband’s attitude and behaviour. You may be using the usual solutions – nagging, getting angry, throwing tantrums, shouting, and bickering. That is not the way!

Your husband becomes “The snake”! You keep on stamping and he keeps on disappearing and reappearing. That is not the way. There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving and that’s is your own self – Aldous Huxley The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Man Woman Magic 165 It is said that - it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate him, a day to love him, but then an entire life to enjoy.

Theoretically speaking, in life, between husband and wife, it hardly matters who is right and who is wrong because eventually both get hurt. If she reciprocates occasionally by saying “sorry”, will it not be music to your ears? Many husbands think I wish I could hear my wife saying SORRY at least once in a year. Learn to say sorry – when it is your fault and even when it isn’t your fault. The value of life does not depend on the length of time on the earth, but on the amount of love given and shared with people we care about.

Love is unrealistic: A scene with two lovers silhouetted on a beach walking hand in hand into the sunset conveys all the idealism of romantics. But people don’t live together that way except on a holiday. Rather, they live in close quarters, where they can see each other’s pimples, wrinkles and sagging skin. The romantic vision only separates partners further, since they try to grasp a mirage rather than the real person. The dream must be relinquished in order to enjoy the real thing. Finding real love means abandoning the mystique of romantic love. What are the qualities you enjoy in each other? Hold on to those as a basis of contact for both of you. The here and now can lead to pleasant experiences. Remember:

• If you have reasons for loving somebody then you are using your mind. But if you love somebody for no reason, then you are using your heart.

Man Woman Magic 166 • We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone.

• When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

• Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

• When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

• Most couples start arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

• Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20 minutes of shopping.

• After marriage a man knows all he needs to know about his partner and sees no point in excessive talk.

• What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” If you truly want your relationship to work and improve, Surrender yourself to that goal for as long as it takes to achieve it 10 Reasons why God created Eve;

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he wouldn’t ask for directions.

9. God knew that, someday, Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has Man Woman Magic 167 been noted that men don’t want to see what’s ON TV. They want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.

7. God knew that, when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

1. And the No. 1 reason of all:

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared ...

“I can do better than that.”

Man Woman Magic 168 Advice for Women;

01. Don’t imagine you can change a man unless he’s in diapers.

02. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

03. If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.

04. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.

05. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

06. Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

07. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

08. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

09. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Man Woman Magic 169 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal. Do remember, Hate, but love more. Argue, but agree more. Talk, but listen more. Punish, but forgive more. Then, your partner will love you more than you love him/her.

Man Woman Magic 170 Chapter 9

How to handle your Wife?

Every man who is happily married is a successful man, Even if he has failed in everything else – William Lyons Phelps

What makes marriage work?

After the careful selection of one’s partner in terms of ideas, interests, physical attributes, qualifications, tastes, hobbies and most importantly after matching the horoscopes, some marriages endure and some don’t. Couples who have been married for over 20-25 yrs suddenly get up one day to find that they aren’t compatible anymore. Love is not a 9 day wonder. Those who are capricious in their love affairs suffer mentally and emotionally. Marilyn Manroe, Hollywood’s unequalled sex symbol committed suicide, consuming an overdose of sleeping pills when she was at the zenith of her fame. She had numerous affairs and broken marriages. Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ unhappy marriage led to the death of Diana. These are the few examples of tragedy among celebrities. But there are so many common people whose marriages get broken every day, which go unreported and unnoticed.

Man Woman Magic 171 How to be a good husband?

The various suggested solutions to make marriage successful are:

1. Know your Wife: You might ask as to what is there to know your wife, when I already know her hobbies, tastes, interests, social background and I am living with her for so many years. There are no secrets between us. But you would be surprised to know, what all you don’t know about your wife. If a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you.If she’s not talking to you, you’re in trouble.

1. Know you are the Number One in her life: Next to God, you are every thing to her. A woman sacrifices her parents to take shelter under her husband’s shadow. She can be cheerful in life if only the husband is always around her. Don’t for God’s sake, belittle her or shout at her and remind her about her parent’s home.

However, “Don’t let someone become a priority in your life when you are just an option in their life”.

2. She wants to be number one in your life: She cannot tolerate anyone coming between you and her. Parents and relatives may become a block between you and your wife. This is the age of dual career families. The pressures of work get carried back to the home. One must realize that, he is married to his spouse and not to the work. Important family matters must be discussed with your wife first. Do not be a workaholic and miss the best things of life. Don’t travel through life at 120 kmph. Take time to be a husband. Remove unnecessary ambitions. Change your perspective of your family and

Man Woman Magic 172 the family changes forever. Enjoy your home. See the children grow (they grow up only once) and make your wife feel she is the No. 1 in your life.

4. She loves Independence: This is not to say she does not want to be dependent on you. Rather, she depends on your for her independence. She is not limited to kitchen and raising children. Partners are equal, decisions are mutual and discussions are frank. Don’t tell your wife to shut up. Let her enjoy freedom of expression. Respect rights and privileges of your partner. Allow her to be herself. You cannot inject into her the qualities which are not in her blood. Small things in life speak loud in a relationship. Often, there are qualities in your wife which you don’t like but are appreciated by others. You may feel she doesn’t behave like your wife as per your expected standards but others may appreciate her for her simplicity. So don’t be in hurry to change her. Respect others’ individuality. Give each other’s views a fair hearing. It will work wonders. Remember, if you love a person, set him/her free. If he/she belongs to you, he/she would always come back to you. If he/she doesn’t come back, he/she was never yours.

5. She hates to be Compared: Let your requests be straight forward. Don’t say, “So and so made such and such a dish, why don’t you also do the same?” Don’t ask her to dress like somebody does. The “why can’t you be like her” attitude leaves her feeling inferior, often with a tinge of jealousy.

Man Woman Magic 173 What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is always beautiful. Being important is not always good but being good is always important.

6. She is Overworked: In most homes, the woman develops backache because of overwork and the husband suffers from backache from lack of exercise. Her day is always hectic, she always feels tired and weak. She has no breaks on Sundays, holidays or second Saturdays. Two kids are enough to sap her energy. An extracting job extracts its “Pound of flesh” and the romance flies out of the window. So try to understand her when she is peevish. A woman who works outside the home needs extra help at home. I understand man is not made for kitchen, however, what a relief it is when the husband prepares coffee and makes the bed in the morning.

7. She is Emotional: Men think with their brain. Women feel with their heart. She cries and at times becomes hysterical at times; she takes emotional decisions at the spur of the moment. These emotions change according to their hormonal cycle. Some days they tend to be elated and in high spirits. The next day they are dull and downcast. It is part of their physiology. For nothing at all, her feelings are shattered like fine glass. Try to relieve her of tensions whenever possible. Don’t sleep off when she is crying or walk off when she is arguing. Never allow a problem to turn into a crisis. Resolve differences peacefully. The world turns and the seasons change. All we have been through, beautiful and strange. But all I hope you would realize is, how beautiful you are when you are in my eyes.

Man Woman Magic 174 8. She needs Constant Reassurance: She is riddled with doubts about her worthiness. Am I still attractive to my husband? I wonder if he likes the curry, am I a good wife? Have I done anything wrong? These questions constantly flash across her mind. She needs to be repeatedly assured that she is great. Yesterday’s compliment is not enough to carry her through today. Find some means of expressing your love to her everyday. Remember, ‘a compliment a day keeps divorce away’. She must be made to feel secure and desirable and needed. Measured by miles, you are far from me Measured by thoughts, you are closer to me. Measured by closed eyes, you are with me. Measured by my heart – you are in me.

A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman’s primary needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on t hat she is loved.

9. She wants to know: Unless you express yourself openly, how will she know what you have in mind? Stop reacting like a wounded child and tell her what offended you. Then she can change herself. Tell her if you like something, so she can stick to it. Allow her to exhibit her knowledge without being scornful or critical, that will lift her spirits. Don’t neglect her. Share with her the news from the day’s newspaper; explain to her while watching the TV.

Man Woman Magic 175 Relationship is like a violin. The music may stop now and then. But the strings remain attached forever. Whether in touch or not, you are always remembered.

10. Friendliness: Husband and wife must be friends. The wife is also called the husband’s companion. What happens to such expressions of love after marriage and as years pass by? Love demands time. Partners who fail to spend quality time together are sure to make a shipwreck of their marriage. Husbands should not just use their wives. A husband and wife who keep finding fault with one another have forgotten the definition of love. Love should not be taken for granted. It must be expressed in words and deeds. Look for opportunities to express your love for your spouse through gifts. There is no one in the world who does not like gifts. Remember, the birthdays and the wedding anniversaries and keep giving her small gifts like flowers, perfumes or whatever she likes or prefers. It is not a lack of love, but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages – Friedrich Nietzsche.

11. Faithfulness: God’s perfect plan is one for one. He gave only one woman to Adam. Partners should be very careful following the loss of initial excitement in marriage. Physical union is ordained by God but that is not the foundation of a sound marriage. Marriage is first spiritual and then physical. When the order is reversed, infidelity creeps in. It is unavoidable that a person’s defects become obvious when we live long enough and close enough with him or her. Also don’t reveal the weaknesses of your partner to anyone, especially one of opposite sex. Some people succumb to impulsive and momentary weakness and indulge in this. This has led many to the hot bed - adultery. The Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky case is still fresh in our minds.

Man Woman Magic 176 Learn to enjoy things together with your spouse and you will not be led astray. A “Loyal” relationship is better than a “Royal” relationship

12. Forgiveness: The Lord’s Prayer is sometimes called the family prayer. How true! In this prayer there is one constant request based on a condition. That’s concerning forgiveness. “Forgive us as we forgive others”. Marriage must include unconditional forgiveness. Otherwise, it could land on the rocks. Marriage can be a happy one, if we forgive. It can happen that the two of you could be poles apart. She could be rich, he could be poor. She could be fair and he could be dark. She loves bread, he prefers rice. Our tastes and views differ a lot and the only way of existence is tolerance. We have learnt to accept each other, at he same time try to understand their problems. Don’t shout at your wife if she is delayed by a few minutes. Do you wake up earlier than usual on Sunday mornings to help your wife do finish cooking quickly or getting the children dressed up and ready for the outing? The wife is not your servant whom you can shout at. Treat her as a queen if you desire to be treated as a king. If you treat her only as a cook, you will not get any thing more than the treatment of a head cook. Also we should go one step beyond forgiving. To forget is human, to forgive is divine. So let’s seek God’s special grace not only to forgive our partners but also forget their wrongs. Follow the dictum, “to handle yourself, use your head, to handle others, use your heart”.

The best way to build relationships is not to analyse yesterday’s mistake with today’s maturity.

When others make mistakes, do not keep counting their mistakes. Allow them to count on you for cooperation to erase that weakness.

Man Woman Magic 177 The relations, which require effort to be maintained are never true and if relations are true they never require any effort to be maintained.

13. Fellowship: Husband and wife are called, “Heirs together of the grace of life”. When you return from office or a seminar and your wife asks you, “How was the programme?” Don’t reply “It was good” and go to your room. When you go home, sit with her and tell her the details of the lecture you attended. I am sure she loves to listen to you narrating all that happened. Don’t live in a closed shell. Be open and frank. It was written about the first couple before they sinned, “they were both naked, he and his wife, and were not ashamed”. It is when we walk in the light – that is openness and transparency – we can have fellowship with one another.

14. By Physical: One is never too old to hold hands or make physical gestures of love. It is as important as the words you speak. Touch conveys concern; a squeeze of shoulders is re-assuring. This helps bring back romance. There are 5 lakh touch points in the body. That’s why an embrace is one of the most delightful of human experiences. Poet Shelly considered it sheer ecstasy and desired to “Swoon unto death in the arms of my sweet heart”.

15. Remember the Traits: Just use these phrases, “I love you, I am sorry. Please forgive me, let’s try again. I am with you”. Be demonstrative. Dictionary is full of words to revive romance in life. Sit close to each other, hold hands and share little secrets.

16. Dump the Ego: Express your need for each other. Why should you need a partner only at the time of a crisis? Sharing all moments whether good or bad is the hall mark of a sound marriage. Many times you refrain from telling her about some unpleasant Man Woman Magic 178 incident. This makes a mockery of marriage. Shared memoirs cement the bonds of marital relationships. Don’t bluff or tell lies. Change what you cannot accept Accept what you cannot change Remove yourself from the unacceptable

That is one of the simple keys to happiness in life.

17. Grow Together: Stagnation sounds the death knell. Grow mentally and emotionally together to avoid distances. Whenever you want me, close your eyes, I will just be a heart beat away.

18. Give each other Space: Too much closeness could result in claustrophobia. Hence attend office parties, take time for friends, movies, take separate vacations, take the kids and go away. You will be surprised at the difference it makes. Distances can, indeed make the heart grow fonder. Every body thinks of changing the world. But no one thinks of changing himself. Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

That is life.

19. Cultivate Family Ties: Nuclear families are the order of the day. You could find yourself cut off from the relatives. Spending quality time with your extended family is essential to teach your children the value of relationships.

Man Woman Magic 179 20. Return to the Past: Shared memories of old residences, early days of struggle and childhood cements marriage. Never remind your partner of a past mistake.

21. Learn to Laugh Together: Humor comes handy; many difficult situations can be diffused with a look at the funnier side. A good partner is never measured by the number of times he made you laugh. But by the number of times he made you smile after you cried.

22. Rediscover Yourself: Go on a second honeymoon, just the two of you. It is a sure remedy to get the veins tingling with a fresh flow of hormones. Leave all your tensions and worries, relax. Have a whale of a time and pamper the child in you. Discover the joys and wonders of nature. Chase butterflies and do every thing what you thought was foolish or childish. Be natural and be together. Once in a year you must take a break together.

We’ve spoken about relationships and how to treat a woman decently. But, have you ever wanted to woo a woman to the extent that she has tears in her eyes? Have you ever wanted to be the only man that she’ll compare every other man to simply because you say or do the sweetest things she’s ever heard? If you’ve ever wanted to be that man or ever wanted to make such a romantic impression, then, my friends, here’s how you do it.

First of all, you need to love that woman more than yourself. Because, let us face it, this is only for the woman of your dreams, because any one else just won’t understand.

Man Woman Magic 180 23. Introspect: Think your problems over and then discuss them in a different setting. You will be amazed at the results. Let the masks drop and the façade crumble, admit your short comings and deal with them. Allow your spouse to help you out wherever she can. Once you have crossed the barriers, don’t build fresh ones. Think not against each other but two of you against the problem. “Smooth roads never make good drivers. Smooth sea never makes a good sailor. Clear sky never makes good pilot. Problems free life never makes a good person”.

24. Trust: Cultivate mutual trust and kill every suspicion it its infancy. It is not only marrying the right partner that counts, it is also being the right partner.

The world trust is the basis of all relationships. But small mistakes can change its entire meaning. Like the missing letter “T” in “TRUST” can “Rust” the relation.

A life is what at its weakest where there more doubt than trust. But life is at its strongest when we learn how to trust in spite of the doubt.

“I trust you” is a better compliment than “I love you”. Because you may not always trust the person you love. But you can always love the person whom you trust. A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust – Nanette Newman

Man Woman Magic 181 25. Agree with your wife: Agree with your wife and life will be happier. Yes – agree with your wife but do exactly what you want to do. Nine out of 10 times she may not remember what she said earlier and in case she catches you red handed – feign forgetfulness and say sorry. This incidentally is an art and making your wife happy is not a science. You have to practice and work towards mastering this art.

26. Follow the Pygmalion way: In Greek mythology, Pygmalion was a sculptor who once created a marble statue of a woman; he liked his work so much that he fell in love with his creation. He used to think of the statue early in the morning – mid afternoon, and in the evening. Till one day the statue turned into a “live woman”. Once you start thinking that your wife is a very good wife, that your wife is a very good daughter-in-law, she will more often than not prove you right. Remember the movie “My Fair Lady” or the Desi version of “Man Pasand”. If Professor Hinns could train an ordinary flower seller girl into behaving like a blue blooded princess within 6 months. I am sure you and me can do a better job with far better raw material to work on. Why do we close our eyes when we pray, when we cry, when we dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.Similarly you have to feel the beauty of the person in your heart and not in your head.

27. Relax: Relax, even when your wife shouts at you. I know it is easier said than done. But give it a try. Be her punching bag and eventually she will turn out to be your profitable partner. Take my word for it.

Man Woman Magic 182 Beauty doesn’t make love but love makes beauty. Break everything but never break the heart. Heart is the music – play it but never play with it. A Choice between your Wife and Mother

Your life is nothing but the choices that you make

Getting married is a stage in one’s life, where two people decide to be together for the rest of their life and share their time, emotions and feelings. Decisions can be taken either by the concerned couple, on their own or they decide to abide by the wishes and choice of their respective parents. The end result in both the cases is that you are accepting a new person in your life and by doing so you are trying to “change” the pattern of your life. We all know that “Change” of any kind has always been resisted and it requires a very high level of “maturity”, “understanding” and “adjustment”. Many times, many people fail to address this issue and hence end-up with very high levels of stress, resulting in burn-outs, violence and some health related issues.

Get married only then when you think that you are “prepared” to take on new responsibilities; when you are ready for “Change” in your life. Don’t marry, just because “people around you want” you to get married. For others, including your parents, relatives and friends, your marriage is a function but for you it’s a “Life Long Commitment”; don’t make any commitment, if you are not very sure of fulfilling it. The Man Woman Magic 183 mother should ask her son to treat his wife in the manner as she wants her son-in-law to treat her own daughter(s).

Learn to balance your life between your mother and wife. Problems would arise when both these women try to be possessive about this person. The man should be careful not to hurt the feelings and sentiments of these two most important persons in his life.

The marriage comes first. All other people and events come after the marriage. Children, parents, work and play all benefit most by marital priority instead of marital sacrifice because the marriage is the central unit. The stronger the unit, the stronger would be the rest of the system. A woman’s love never comes free – you have to pay for it, in some form or the other Things Women Can’t Do: 1. Know anything about a car except its color.

2. Understand a film plot.

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.

4. Lift.

5. Throw.

Man Woman Magic 184 6. Run.

7. Park.

8. Read a map.

9. Rob a bank.

10. Sit still.

11. Tell a joke.

12. Play snooker.

13. Pay for dinner.

14. Eat a kebab while walking.

15. Argue without shouting. Man Woman Magic 185 16. Get told off without crying.

17. Understand fruit machines.

18. Walk past a shoe shop.

19. Make a decent bacon sandwich.

20. Not comment on stranger’s clothes.

21. Use small amounts of toilet paper.

22. Let you sleep with a hang over.

23. Drink a pint gracefully.

24. Get a round in.

25. Throw a punch. Man Woman Magic 186 26. Do magic.

27. Like your friends.

28. Eat a really hot curry.

29. Get to the point.

30. Buy plain envelopes.

31. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.

32. Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying “I’m Cold”.

33. Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends.

34. Avoid credit card debt.

35. Dive into a pool.

Man Woman Magic 187 36. Assemble furniture.

37. Set a video recorder.

38. Not to try to change you.

39. Watch a war film.

40. Understand why flirting results in violence.

41. Spend a day by themselves.

42. Go to the toilet by themselves.

43. Buy a purse that fits in your pocket.

44. Choose a video quickly.

45. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.

Man Woman Magic 188 A Man’s Guide to Female English

“We need to talk” = I need to complain

“Sure... go ahead” = I don’t want you to

“I’m not yelling!” = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

“We need” = I want

“It’s your decision” = The correct decision should be obvious by now

“Do what you want” = You’ll pay for this later

“I’m not upset” = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

“You’re ... so manly” = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

“You’re certainly attentive tonight” = Is sex all you ever think about?

“I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!” = I’ve got my period

“I want new curtains” = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

“I need wedding shoes” = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

“Hang the picture there” = NO, I mean hang it there!

“I heard a noise” = I noticed you were almost asleep

“Do you love me?” = I’m going to ask for something expensive Man Woman Magic 189 “How much do you love me?” = I did something today you’re really not going to like

“I’ll be ready in a minute” = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

“Is my bum fat?” = Tell me I’m beautiful

“You have to learn to communicate” = Just agree with me

“Are you listening to me!?” = [Too late, you’re dead.]

“Yes” = No

“No” = No

“May be” = No

“I’m sorry” = You’ll be sorry

“This kitchen is so inconvenient” = I want a new house

“Do you like this recipe?” = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it

“Was that the baby?” = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

“All we’re going to buy is a soap dish” = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Man Woman Magic 190 Scoring points with the opposite sex

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn’t work because women keep scores differently.

When a woman keeps score, it does not matter how big or small a gift of love is. Each gift has equal value. Its size doesn’t matter. It gets a point. A man, however, thinks that he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn’t understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts. “Men prefer looks to brains because most men can see better than they can think” What makes men defensive?

If a man has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry or ashamed, then he needs her love more; therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn’t receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love. If he feels rejected as the result of a big mistake he may give a lot of penalty points.

A man may become terribly angry at a woman when he has committed the mistake and the woman naturally gets upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistake. A little mistake

Man Woman Magic 191 makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn’t say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give her penalty points. Remember:

• Give your wife your time – not expensive gifts! Show her consideration – even after a hard day’s work! Take home a gift… even a single flower – to keep her in good humor.

• To prove his love for her, he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean, and crossed the widest desert. But she left him – he was never at home.

• A woman leaves a man not because she is unhappy with what he can provide, but because she is emotionally unfulfilled.

• In being wrong, a man considers himself a failure because he has not been able to do his job properly.

• For a woman, sharing problems with her friends is a sign of trust and friendship.

• Some men cringe at the thought of responding in detail, but if you are prepared to try it, you will score big points with most women.

• Differences are part and parcel of life. Whenever there is a problem, don’t leave your partner and go, but go out together for a movie or an outing.

Man Woman Magic 192 • Either tell the whole truth or don’t reveal anything. If you tell a lie and get caught, she won’t believe you after wards.

• Always praise your partner –for whatever the work done.

• Always give some space and time to your partner.

• Don’t criticize.

• Don’t feel jealous, if she talks to others.

• Help your wife with the household chores, since both of you are working.

• In case you live in a joint family, help your wife get acquainted and adjusted with the other family members.

• Please do take your wife wherever you go on a tour. Or, make sure you write a letter, phone and keep in constant touch.

• Say I love you or say that the other person is looking good.

• Men need to understand that when a woman is stressed, she wants to talk, and all he needs to do is listen, not just offer solutions.

Indians are known to be caring and loving husbands. A steady marriage is a big morale booster. We all can concentrate on our jobs and grow only with the support and encouragement of a loving and caring life partner.

Man Woman Magic 193 Always, be the reason for someone’s happiness never be just a part of it.Be a part of someone’s sadness but never be the reason for it.

One thing we must understand, “It is easy to search for the right person, instead try to be the right person”.

Man Woman Magic 194 Chapter 10 Chapter-10 Sex and Marriage

Bring joy back to your sex life

“Sex is the price women pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men pay for sex”

Of all the aspects of married life, sex is the one most likely to fall into a predictable routine. It is also the area most difficult to change.

But variety is the spice of sex. “Why must sex be limited to 11th hour of the night? Why not early morning?

Good sex doesn’t always start in the bedroom either. Touching, patting, cozy remarks all carry sexual overtones and heighten the pleasure of the act itself. One couple found that showering together was an exciting prelude to sex. Another couple sent the kids to Grandma’s, snuggled down before a roaring fire in the fire place and made love.

Too often people concentrate on the act of intercourse itself and ignore other ways of giving pleasure. “For most women, cuddling and closeness may be most important of all.”

A mother of two children, aged nine and eleven, told me, “One night my husband and I were both exhausted. He got into bed before I did. Later I flopped down next to him fully clothed. He sat up startled, and asked, “Aren’t you going to take off your clothes?” “No”, I said, “That’s your job”. Her little gimmick generated quite a spark between two tired people.

Man Woman Magic 195 “Never forget that a woman is a romantic. She enjoys wine, flowers, and chocolate. Let her know that you, too, remember these things……

by speaking of them occasionally” – Woody Allen. • Inability or refusal to understand the other’s sexual needs gives rise to a lot of friction.

Absence of sexual compatibility is a strong ground for dissatisfaction in marriages and resultant drifting apart of partners. “Sexual compatibility may be defined as ‘you and your partner being on a similar sexual level, that your affinity for sexual be in the same range, and your sex drives are in close proximity of one another’s.’”

It is said that the problems arising out of sexual incompatibility applies more to men than to women. “Although men and women start with the same level of sexual satisfaction when they begin a relationship, after just a few years men claim to be less content, both physically and emotionally.” This could be, because, women see marriage more as something that gives them security and status in society than as a conduit for sexual release.

In Indian societies at least, to have sexual compatibility tested in advance is very difficult. During the flush of youth, the enormous sexual urge, especially in man’s case, makes the release of desire all-important and minor incompatibilities do not come to the fore. But as days pass and foreplay and related niceties become important, the differences begin to show.

It is a very delicate matter for both parties, since it may not be easy to be open about one’s sexual preferences. It is more so for women who are expected to be coy, as well as for those men and

Man Woman Magic 196 women whose predilections are slightly different. When one’s comfort level is not met with, the pent up frustration accumulates inside and raises its head in the form of resentment in other areas of interaction as well.

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs Good sex can be a big problem-solver:

Sex in all its exquisite beauty, when used effectively, can have a strong mollifying effect on couples who find it difficult to hold fast. When problems have arisen from reasons outside sex, sex can have a therapeutic value. But when problems are themselves sex-related, it is better to seek medical aid, or counseling, depending upon the nature of the problem. Sometimes even acts of unfaithfulness can have a sexual cause at its root. Because of certain preconceived notions and taboos attached to this unique instinct, sex often becomes its own parody.

♦ Sudhaker, who had his own business, worked from home, for his drawing room was his office as well. His wife Seema had a full time job, which kept her away from home during the day. One day she unexpectedly came home and caught her husband and the neighbourhood lady red-handed in the bedroom. She stormed out, but returned in the evening, mainly because she had no other place to go. But she refused to talk to her husband and slept on the drawing room divan.

All his attempts to communicate with her, failed. But he finally succeeded in making her agree that both of them would talk to a counselor. The counselor insisted that he wanted to talk to them separately.

Man Woman Magic 197 “The neighbourhood lady was extremely skilled in the art of sex,” Sudhaker confessed to the probing questions of the counselor. “She had the knack to search out the most erogenous parts of the body and take one to the type of ecstasy which I could not even have conceived with my wife. Maybe she is doing it for money, but pleasure has its part to play in sex too, doesn’t it?”

“Have you tried to train your wife?”

“Train her? She even keeps her eyes closed most of the time. At any rate, I did not have to train the other lady.”

“Your wife is not the only one at fault, if you could not get the best out of her. Anyway I will talk to her as well,” said the counselor.

It was far more difficult to make Seema talk. Finally, the counselor extracted enough to understand that Seema believed women should be reserved even in bed. She thought that being coquettish and licentious and shamelessly demanding pleasure in the bedroom was what ‘bad’ women did.

The counselor in the end managed to convince them that in a good marriage the two should feel free to express what they enjoyed most, and what turned each ‘on’ and made them ecstatic. That is the best way to prevent partners, especially men, from seeking pleasure outside.

He also talked to them about how sex is generally understood as a performance for men but an emotional act of absolute surrender for women. Because of this perception, it is presumed that so far as a woman is totally in love with a man, she is unlikely to have preferences in the act. This is not completely true. Further, if man is the performing partner, it is his duty to Man Woman Magic 198 draw out women who appeared inhibited. He has to make her come out with her bodily needs and in turn make her realize his needs.

So, mutually satisfying formulae have to be worked out, to make sex totally fulfilling for both. This can seal many a chasm of married life, solving problems related to sex or otherwise. India is the land of Kamasutra and we can take a lesson or two from our ancestors who surely thought of sex as the most potent elixir.

“Indians were the most sexually active people in the world. The Kamasutra was astonishingly liberal and men and women were equal participants in the sexual act. Sex was very creative, not only from the procreation point of view but recreation as well. It was not something to be done away with but an event to be celebrated, a road which led to ecstasy and finally nirvana for both the participants.” Dr Shanshank Samak, Indian sexologist.

“By and large, sex is a man’s game and woman’s nightmare” Sex does not top her list:

All Men know about sex and eagerly look forward for it. But still fail. Your spouse is not ready to jump into bed at your beck and call. The man wonders why she behaves like a wooden block. The woman wonders why she doesn’t get anything out of sex. It is surprising how many husbands are ignorant that she needs time and technique to find pleasure in sex. The husband must take it as his duty to see that she enjoys sex. Sex is probably the last thing in her “To do” list. For many, sex is like a silent movie. She remains silent during the act, some times praying that it will be over soon. Often when the husband falls into an exhausted sleep, she lies wide awake; staring at the ceiling, wondering if that is all sex has to offer. If you are unkind, Man Woman Magic 199 unfaithful or unsympathetic, then sex amounts to torture for her because psychology has much say on a woman’s sex life. Hurried sex is selfish and it makes life miserable for the wife. God has designed sex for mutual enjoyment and pleasure. It is never one way. Hence get sexy. Infuse fresh energy into sex life. Like everything else that jades the palate, the conjugal life of a long married couple can become dangerously predictable leading to boredom. Work to change that state of affairs. Get yourself books and manuals to set your sexual imaginations afire.

Men fantasize about having sex with two women. Women fantasize about it too – so that they’ll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep

Why Sex Suddenly Stops:

At the beginning of a new relationship, sex is always great and there is plenty of love. She gives him plenty of sex and he gives her plenty of love, and one thing feeds the other. After a few years, however, the man becomes preoccupied with lunch- chasing and the woman with nest-defending, which is why sex and love seem to stop simultaneously. Men and women are equally responsible for whether they have a good or bad sex life, but each often blames the other when things don’t go well. Men need to understand that a woman needs attention, praise, pampering and lots of time before she warms up towards sex. Women have to remember that these are the feelings men are more likely to express after a session of great sex.

The key here is sex! For when sex is great, the whole relationship dramatically improves.

Man Woman Magic 200 How to satisfy a Woman every time?

Caress

Praise

Savour

Massage

Empathize

Serenade

Compliment

Support

Feed

Soothe

Tatanlise

Humour

Placate

Stimulate

Stroke

Console

Hug

Cuddle

Excite

Pacify

Man Woman Magic 201 Protect

Phone

Anticipate

Smooch

Muzzle

Forgive

Entertain

Charm

Oblige

Fascinate

Trust

Defend

Clothe

Acknowledge

Spoil

Embrace

Tease

Gratify

Squeeze

Indulge

Worship Man Woman Magic 202 How to satisfy a man every time?

“ARRIVE NAKED!” Sex: Men are microwaves, women are electric ovens:

Male sex drive is like a microwave – it ignites instantly and operates at full capacity within seconds, and can be turned off just as quickly when the meal is cooked. Women’s sex drive is like an electric oven – it heats slowly to its optimum temperature and takes a lot longer to cool down.

When it comes to sex, women need a reason, men need a place.

A woman wants lots of sex with the man she loves. A man wants lots of sex, period.

Miss universe competitions are watched mainly by men,

but Mr. Universe contests turn nobody on What Men want from Sex?

For men this is simple; the release of built-up tension through orgasm. After sex, a man weighs less because he has lost part of his body and he needs rest to recover. This is why men often fall asleep after sex. A woman may become angry about this and feel that he is selfish or doesn’t care about her needs.

Men also use sex to express physically what they can’t express emotionally. If a man has a problem such as - how he’ll find a new job, pay the overdraft or resolve a dispute, he’s likely to use sex to relieve the intensity of these emotions. Women usually don’t understand this and become resentful at being “used”, missing the point that the man had a problem he couldn’t deal with. Man Woman Magic 203 There are few problems a man can have that great sex won’t fix. Tests show that a man who has a pent-up need for sex has difficulty hearing, thinking, driving or operating heavy machinery. He also suffers from a time-distortion where 3 minutes feel like 15. If a woman wants an intelligent decision from a man, she’s better off discussing it after sex, when his brain is clear.

What Women want from Sex?

For a man to feel fulfilled through sex, he needs the release of tension. A woman has the opposite need; she needs to feel the build-up of tension over a longer period of time with her prerequisite of lots of attention and talk. He wants to empty; she wants to fill up. Understanding this difference makes men more caring lovers. Most women need at least 30 minutes of foreplay before they are ready for sex. Men need at least 30 seconds, and most consider driving to her place as foreplay. Most women prefer sex with the lights out – they can’t bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men like sex with the lights on – so they can get the woman’s name right.

Man Woman Magic 204 Five Sex Secrets Women wish Husbands knew

1. Great Sex – for a woman – begins with her life as a whole:

Most women need to feel good and stress free during the day and in the marriage to have satisfying sex. One woman said, “My husband was under lot of stress at work and was impatient and withdrawn, not wanting to talk or show any affection. He’d watch TV until midnight, then come in the bedroom and grab me. If I wasn’t instantly responsive, he’d get upset.

How a man treats his wife out of bed can greatly influence her response in bed. Hurtful words, inattentiveness and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to be an enthusiastic, passionate lover. This puzzles some husbands.

Sexuality and affection can’t be compartmentalized. Good sex is a continuum of closeness and affection. It’s important to act loving even when you’re not about to have sex. If a husband surprises his wife with flowers or a gift for no particular reason, if he takes the children out for a day, this thoughtfulness may improve the couple’s sexual pleasure and the marriage. 2. Many women find talk a turn-on

Good conversation over dinner can be aphrodisiac. Sexual sharing later is enhanced by tender words. A man might tell his wife how much he loves her, might also whisper her name – reassuring evidence that he is mentally with her during sex.

75% of women who have extramarital affairs seek a lover not primarily for sex, but for warmer communication. “One

Man Woman Magic 205 woman knew her lover was impotent, but his tender talk gave her something her husband wasn’t able or willing to give her”. For many women, talking and feeling loved are more important than sex. Especially for a woman busy at home with children, an intellectually stimulating conversation can be a real pleasure. 3. Women, too, have performance anxiety:

Studies show that only about 60% of women have orgasm more than half of the times they have intercourse. But many women feel the pressure – from partners and themselves – to have orgasms.

People forget that physical closeness with a loved one is sometimes a wonderful pleasure in itself. Many men believe that a good lover is one who brings his wife to dramatic sexual satisfaction. But these moments, while wonderful when they do happen, aren’t always necessary.

Goal oriented sex is like setting off on a cross country trip and focusing on reaching the opposite coast without noticing all the wonders along the way. The goal of sex is also to love each other.

Playfulness can also help. Many couples are far too serious about sex. They forget to laugh, to have fun; sex doesn’t always have to be an expression of endless, abiding love and passion. It can also be mindless or naughty or funny. 4. Warm attention after sex can be vital to a woman’s satisfaction

“I sometimes feel lonely after sex”, says Fareena, 44, married for 21 years. “Riyaz falls asleep without even saying good night”. Many women have complaints like Fareena’s. Others,

Man Woman Magic 206 whose husbands are loving and attentive after sex, find this a time of special joy.

A woman’s need for tender moments tends to extend beyond the actual love making. And if a husband can’t avoid falling asleep, experts say, he might at least drift off while cuddling her.

It is also important to avoid saying the wrong things at this time. “A man shouldn’t criticize in any way”, says Dr Pattabhiram, “And the worst time to talk about sex is in bed”.

“Wives, too, need to be careful about conversation after sex”. Says Murali, 39 years old, and married 16 years to Devi. “Once, when we’d just made passionate love, Devi asked, “Did you remember to pay the Electricity Bill?” We laugh about this now. But it is best if both partners, for a few minutes, to shut out the rest of the world”. 5. Women need non-sexual touching and tenderness

“Chiranjeevi doesn’t touch me except in foreplay and sex,” says Trisha, 32. “Sometimes I’d like to kiss and touch just for fun. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to do this”.

“What’s so terrible about touching leading to sex?” Chiranjeevi confides later. “Touching Trisha excites me. I would think she’d see that as a compliment”.

This conflict is not unusual. “Women want romance, cuddling, handholding and kissing, but many women report that their husbands never kiss them – in or out of bed.”

A woman can help a man realize the joy of touching. Practice touching with no sexual goal, stroke your partner’s face

Man Woman Magic 207 and hair. Hold hands, massage backs. As men experience these sensations, they may begin to understand, and reciprocate more.

Couples should also learn to show tenderness in other non sexual ways. Tell your spouse what makes you feel loved. You may be surprised. A man may see his wife’s cooking as an expression of love. To a woman, just the words “I love you” may suffice.

Love doesn’t make you a mind reader. Love is trusting each other to ask openly and answer honestly. This can take time, a scarce commodity today. But making time for non sexual as well as sexual pleasure is vital.

Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life. Intimate time must be a top priority. This doesn’t always mean making love. It means showing each other, with words, with touch, with thoughtful gestures, that you care. Make dates for time alone. Planning for intimate times together not only makes these moments more likely to happen, but also lets you look forward to the pleasure you’ll share together – whatever that pleasure may be.

Man Woman Magic 208 Don’t let these Sex myths ruin your Marriage:

Myth 1: Women are less interested in Sex than Men are:

Given good health and enough time and energy, women can equal or even exceed men in their desire for sex.

Why then is this myth so pervasive? Traditionally, boys and girls have been taught to conform to certain gender roles, girls to be demure and passive, and boys to be more aggressive. While that may be changing in today’s society, many adult women still feel they should be passive and give less expression to their sexual feelings. Myth 2: The harder you focus on your sexual performance, the better it will be:

There is nothing further from the truth. If you are preoccupied thinking about how you should be moving, where you should be touching, and what your partner is experiencing, you will feel little yourself. The best sex occurs when you just let things happen and forget about analyzing your performance. Myth 3: Sex gets boring with the same partner year after year

There can be good and enduring sex with a lifelong partner. Sexual boredom is frequently the result of not knowing your mate well enough, of investing too little of yourself in the relationship. To maintain freshness, both partners may want to try being more adventurous, more creative and more playful in their love making.

Man Woman Magic 209 Myth 4: Good Sex happens when you take responsibility for your partner’s pleasure:

Sex is something two people do with each other. You can’t be totally responsible for another person’s satisfaction. But, you can heighten your partner’s pleasure by responding to the needs he or she communicates to you. Myth 5: Men hit their sexual peak at 18 and then go downhill:

Testosterone, the male hormone that influences sexual excitement, is usually at peak production around the age of 18. However, a man’s sexuality doesn’t depend on physiology alone. Howe he feels about himself, his partner and sex in general influences how efficiently his body responds to stimulation.

Thus, the older man who is in good health understands that his sexuality is for intimate sensual expression than an 18 year old who tends to focus on sex merely as a physical act. Myth 6: Independent, aggressive women make man impotent:

For the most part, women do not cause impotence in men. A man’s impotence has more to do with his own insecurities. But from the male point of view, the most stimulating partner is one who is sexually involved. The woman who is more apt to contribute to a man’s impotence is the dependent one who does nothing sexually for herself or for him other than to be available.

Myth 7: Sex should always be a passionate physical and emotional communion between two people.

Man Woman Magic 210 Only in fiction, sex is always that way. In real life, it could be wild or mild, a peak experience or just a hand holding comfort; it’s good, bad and all points in between.

“Making the goal of sex a total emotional communion is, in itself, a distraction. It can almost guarantee that kind of experience will not happen. Myth 8: Sex should always be spontaneous:

Many couples are now discovering that today’s busy schedules allow almost no time for lovemaking. If you always insist on being spontaneous, chances are you’ll find your sex life dwindling to nothing.

Don’t plan sex, that’s too contrived. But plan time to be together. Then just let the good times happen. Kissing is an Art Butterfly Kiss:

With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart. Cheek Kiss:

A friendly, “I really like you” kiss. Often the preferred kissing method of a first date. With your hands on your partner’s shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.

Man Woman Magic 211 Earlobe Kiss:

Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors. Foot Kiss:

An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss. Forehead Kiss:

The “motherly” kiss or “just friends” kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head. French Kiss:

The kiss involving the tongue. Some call this the “Soul Kiss” because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth’s breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this “The English Kiss”. Hand Kiss:

Gently raise her hand to your lips. Lightly brush your lips across the top of her hand. Historically this kiss was performed with a bow, which showed deference to a lady. Tiger Kiss:

Quietly sneak up behind your partner making sure they do not know what you are going to do. Out of the blue, grab them and

Man Woman Magic 212 gently bite their neck. Make sure to get a few good growls in too. This will surely surprise them. Nip Kiss:

This kiss can create a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips. You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. When done correctly, this kiss ignites wonderful sensations. Talking Kiss:

Whisper, “sweet nothings” into your partner’s mouth. If caught in the act, simply say as Chico Marx, “I wasn’t kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth.” Vacuum Kiss:

While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partner’s mouth. This is a playful kiss. Body & Mind Therapy with ‘Lovemaking’

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tunes up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more

Man Woman Magic 213 enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don’t need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build- up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever! Murphy’s Law’s on SEX

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered - take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories. Man Woman Magic 214 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty on if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of the month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

Man Woman Magic 215 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It is not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

26. Sex is all in the mind.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like “SEX”.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Man Woman Magic 216 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shall not commit adultery.... unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, woman, and song; mostly song.

42. Never ague with a woman when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than over looked.

46. Never say ‘NO’.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

Man Woman Magic 217 53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. This won’t hurt I promise.

Testing your Sexual Drive;

Is sex a part or life, or the most important part of life?

Test yourself: should all overtly sexual films be banned?

…….. Is obscenity always disgusting?

……..Is your sex life as good as it used to be?

Man Woman Magic 218 The following questions have been devised to suggest the strength of your sexual drive. Needless to say, this differs very much from one person to another; and although those with extremely low or extremely high drive may have problems (the former because of difficulty in having a satisfactory sexual relationship with a partner, the latter because of a continual need to govern what may seem an all-embracing sexual need) there is no need to assume that any criticism is implied. Answer the questions with agree or disagree, then check with the scores and suggested interpretations at the end.

1. Friendship between a man and a woman can be much more satisfactory than a sexual relationship.

2. You could never make love to anyone the first time you met them.

3. No man wants to marry a girl who is not a virgin.

4. You become sexually aroused to some extent every day.

5. You could never make love to anyone you did not love.

6.Man Woman You enjoy Magic caressing your219 own body. 7. You feel slightly disappointed if a novel or film has no sexual content.

8. The nude pin-ups in newspapers and magazines are a waste of space.

9. You keep an eye open for the sexual possibilities of any situation.

10. It is a good thing for everyone to have sexual experience before marriage.

11. You are disgusted at the idea of organized prostitution.

12. You would welcome the opportunity to make love with a partner ten years younger than yourself.

13. You can understand how sexual passion can lead people to murder for love.

14. It is especially exciting to seduce a virgin.

Man Woman Magic 220 15. The pornography of sex is as dangerous as the pornography of violence.

16. The banning of explicitly sexual material is long overdue.

17. Nude scenes on stage and screen are almost always necessary.

18. Explicit love-making in films is never justifiable.

19. You have never made love to two different people within twenty four hours.

20. When someone is described as immoral, you think first of sexual immorality.

21. All expression of sex outside the marriage bed is by definition wrong.

22. You have never wondered what it would be like to make love with your best friend’s partner.

Man Woman Magic 221 23. No one has ever been faithful to one partner in thought, word and deed.

24. The thought of a stranger’s hands caressing you is exciting.

25. Making love to one person, you often fantasize about making love to another.

26. A harem must be very embarrassing situation.

27. Arriving at a party to find that it was orgy, you would make an excuse and leave.

28. You could only think of joining an orgy if the others involved were close friends.

29. The average, healthy human being should not need sex more than twice a week.

30. Over-eating is as disgusting as over-indulgence in sex.

31. Masturbation is disgusting. Man Woman Magic 222 32. Obscenity is always disgusting.

33. The thought of homosexuals making love is disgusting.

34. You would decline an offer to see Deep Throat.

35. Any sexual stimulus not based on spiritual love is wrong.

36. Wife-swopping disgusts you.

37. You would enjoy watching another couple making love.

38. You prefer to make love with the lights on.

39. You would like to have a mirror on your bedroom ceiling.

40. You would not like to make love in the open air.

Man Woman Magic 223 41. You would be sexually aroused if your partner bought you a sexy garment.

42. You find the touch of certain materials sexually arousing.

43. You are quick to recognize sexual signals from others.

44. Advertisements often have a high symbolic sexual content.

45. You have a strong fear of sexual rejection.

46. Sexually speaking, anything goes.

47. The age of consent should be lowered to fourteen.

48. Your parent’s attitude to sex has inhibited you.

49. Your sex life more rewarding than it used to be.

Man Woman Magic 224 50. The thought of making love with someone of a different colour disgusts you.

Scoring ;

Start with a basic score of 50. for every “(+)answer” add one point. For every “(-) answer” take a point away.

1. Agree -, Disagree +

2. Agree -, Disagree +

3. Agree -, Disagree +

4. Agree +, Disagree –

5. Agree -, Disagree +

6. Agree +, Disagree –

7. Agree +, Disagree –

8. Agree -, Disagree +

9. Agree +, Disagree –

10. Agree +, Disagree –

11. Agree -, Disagree +

12. Agree +, Disagree –

13. Agree +, Disagree –

14. Agree +, Disagree –

Man Woman Magic 225 15. Agree -, Disagree +

16. Agree -, Disagree +

17. Agree -, Disagree +

18. Agree -, Disagree +

19. Agree -, Disagree +

20. Agree -, Disagree +

21. Agree -, Disagree +

22. Agree -, Disagree +

23. Agree +, Disagree -

24. Agree +, Disagree -

25. Agree +, Disagree -

26. Agree -, Disagree +

27. Agree -, Disagree +

28. Agree -, Disagree +

29. Agree -, Disagree +

30. Agree +, Disagree -

31. Agree -, Disagree +

32. Agree -, Disagree +

33. Agree -, Disagree +

34. Agree -, Disagree +

35. Agree -, Disagree + Man Woman Magic 226 36. Agree -, Disagree +

37. Agree +, Disagree -

38. Agree +, Disagree -

39. Agree +, Disagree -

40. Agree -, Disagree +

41. Agree +, Disagree -

42. Agree +, Disagree -

43. Agree +, Disagree -

44. Agree -, Disagree +

45. Agree -, Disagree +

46. Agree +, Disagree -

47. Agree +, Disagree –

48. Agree -, Disagree +

49. Agree +, Disagree -

50. Agree -, Disagree + Interpretations Low Score 0 – 24

Sex is probably unimportant to you. If you are asked why, you may say that you have ‘no time’ for it, that it is ‘over-rated’; on a deeper level, you may even feel that there is something slightly disgusting or even ‘dirty’ about sex. Perhaps you were

Man Woman Magic 227 turned against it by some specific incident in the past which you did not fully understand at the time and which you may or may not actually remember. If at one level of consciousness you feel you could be more interested in sex, but cannot communicate your feeling to a partner – if you feel you are missing something – you might benefit from specialist therapy. On the other hand, there is absolutely no law that sex must be an important part of everyone’s life. If you feel that your life is complete and fulfilled and that there is no gap in it, there is no reason why you should not be content as you are. Medium/Low Score 25 – 50

You may well feel somewhat inhibited in not getting as much enjoyment in sex as you would like to, or feel you should. You could also feel that sex very over-rated and may be blame an unsympathetic partner. But perhaps you should look at yourself and your attitudes a little more closely. You may well take the tensions of the bed wit you and think of your career, the children or problems of any kind when you should be in a more relaxed frame of mind. Sheer physical tiredness, perhaps especially for women, really does sap your sex urge, try not to rush or rushed. Quick sex can be a relief for all tensions for a man, but is not really satisfactory, and for the woman it can at best a bore and at worst an unbearable frustration. If you feel that your sexual life could be improved, you might well get greater satisfaction from new form of love-play and benefit from developing your technique by experimenting. Do not underestimate the help you can get from the new and outspoken books on sexual techniques now available. There are sneered at by some people, but can improve your sex life just as much as a good cook book can improve your cooking; you don’t have to follow recipes meticulously. Above all, relax more – Does the form of contraception you use get in the way? Then try another. Don’t put off a visit to a clinic because you feel shy about it. Specialists Man Woman Magic 228 are used to dealing with people who are apprehensive and will be far more sympathetic than you may realize. A great number of people are finding that sterilization is both the practical and psychological answer to their problems. You can do a great deal to improve your sex life and from your score it seems likely that you to do so. Medium/ High Score 50 – 74

You have a healthy and lively attitude towards sex, which will be expressed most rewardingly and fulfillingly with a partner whose score is similar to your own. You are willing to experiment and expand your sexual techniques, but you are not irresponsible. You could do much to improve the sex life of a less responsive and active partner. Sex is great fun for you. You are unshocked by sexy films and stage shows and by soft porn (which is not to say you go in for the hard stuff). You are not likely to lack partners; but you are not on a constant sexual rampage, for your strong sex drive is very well balanced. High Score 75 – 100

The higher your score, the more preoccupied you are with sex. Just as the lowest score may indicate that you are missing something, so the very highest score seems to hint that your constant preoccupation with sex may be over-taxing for you and for other people. Your basic desires and needs are undoubtedly higher than average and it may be that some of that abundant sexual energy could be profitably redirected. You certainly need a very sympathetic and understanding partner to enjoy your sex life with and, even so, you may find it difficult to restrict yourself to one relationship. This will bring its problems. If you can organize your life and cope with multiple relationships – fine. But try not to ‘use’ your partners; consciously give them a little more consideration, since your drive could tend to make you a selfish and over-demanding partner.

Man Woman Magic 229 Chapter 11

The Lighter Side of Marriage

Marriage is not a “WORD”. It’s a SENTENCE – a “LIFE SENTENCE”

A spirit of give and take:

Common sense demands that there should be a spirit of give and take between husband and wife. Stubbornness on the part of wife can often be disastrous. In Rome, a story is told about a couple whose marriage was a sad story throughout. To the wife it finally becomes so unbearable that she decided to commit suicide. To put an end to her misery she jumped into the swollen Tiber. Her husband was apprised of the sad news. As the spot of the suicide was pointed out to him, he took a boat and went upstream in search of her body. People asked him why he was going upstream since the violent current had no doubt carried his wife’s corpse downstream. “You did not know my wife,” he said, “She was always contrary and, no doubt, she kept the habit of it even after her death!” Yes, women can sometimes be that stubborn. Very often, because the wife does not want to give in, the marriage is wrecked when a little spirit of compromise on the part of both husband and wife could have saved the marriage. Sweet Mannered and Even Tempered:

The story is told of a wife who was very fond of giving her husband a piece of her mind. Under the pretext of being very frank she would let him have it left and right. One day, he noticed that she was behaving rather abnormally and took her to a leading

Man Woman Magic 230 psychiatrist who examined her and then said to him: “Well, I am very sorry to tell you that your wife is mentally finished”. The husband turned to him and said: “Oh Well! I am not at all! Because, for quite sometime now, everyday she has been giving me a piece of her mind!”

Excuse:

A married man had an affair with his secretary. One afternoon, when there wasn’t much left to do in the office, they left earlier and went to the secretary’s apartment where they had fun the whole afternoon. After a couple of hours they were both exhausted and fell asleep. When they woke up, it was 8 p.m. already!

While he got dressed, he asked her to cover his shoes with some mud from the lawn outside.

Coming home, his wife was already at the door waiting for him. “Where have you been?”

“Darling, I can’t lie to you any longer. I am having an affair with my secretary, and we fell asleep in her apartment.”

“Liar! I can see it on your shoes... you’ve been playing golf again the whole afternoon!” Hearing Problem:

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

Man Woman Magic 231 The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there was a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of her problem.

“Here’s what you have to do. Stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response. By the kitchen door, only 10 feet away, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

She yells, “For the FIFTH and last time, CHICKEN!!!!” A Worthy Wish:

A husband and wife go to a temple. The temple had a big well without a protective wall and was very deep. It is the belief, that if somebody threw a coin into the well with their back to it and made a wish, it will be fulfilled. First the wife went forward, closed her eyes, made a wish and threw a coin. Then came her

Man Woman Magic 232 husband’s turn. He closed his eyes. He was standing a little far from the well. The wife asked him to move a little more. He checked then whether his distance was ok. She guided him to move back a little more. He moved and bent backwards to throw the coin and fell into the well.

The wife said, “It works!” How Women Maintain the Peace:

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their Domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘that’s once’.”

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ “We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

“I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting; she looked at me, and quietly said, ‘That’s once’. “And we lived happily ever after.”

How to win over women, even when you are drunk:

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glassof water on the side table. He

Man Woman Magic 233 sits down and sees his clothing in front ofhim, all clean and pressed.

Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins andnotices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast and themorning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Martin asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!” His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone! I’m married!” Moral:

Self-induced hangover — $100.00

Broken furniture — $2,000.00

Breakfast — $10.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk ——— PRICELESS.

Man Woman Magic 234 The faithful man:

Every body on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to form two lines. The first one consisting of men who dominated their women on earth and the other of the men that were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at my only son who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

And the man replies, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here”. What did the Doctor say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Man Woman Magic 235 Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, what did the doctor say?

“He said, you are going to die” She replied. Talking all the time

The story is told of a wife who had sued her husband for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty. “In what way is he cruel to you?” asked the judge. “He has not spoken a single word to me for the past five years,” she said. When the husband was asked why he had not spoken to her for the past five years he replied that she never gave him a chance to say a word because she was doing all the talking all the time! Do Whatever to Wife!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went golfing. Female Evolution (from Man’s perspective)

What’s the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

Man Woman Magic 236 At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story.

At 78 - You can get out of bed, that’s another story.

Every Woman’s Dream

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said, “This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5,000 in cash.”

Man Woman Magic 237 Christmas Shopping

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says, “What?”

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn’t care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let’s get it. You deserve the best for Christmas.”

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, “I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.” The husband stops and says, “No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.”

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, “You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man.” Man Woman Magic 238 Nude Picture at the Art Gallery!!

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, “What are you waiting for?”

The husband replies, “Autumn.” Arranged Marriage?

Daughter - Mum, is it true that in India a woman does not know her husband until she marries him?

Mum - That’s happens everywhere dear. Lost & Found

There was an ad in the newspaper it said

“Wife and Dog missing, Reward if u can find the dog” Fond of married women

“Darling,” she whispered after they had finished making love, “Will you still make love like that to me after we’re married?”

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, “I think so. I’ve always been especially fond of married women.”

Man Woman Magic 239 Every Woman’s Doubt

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son - to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called, junior said “the number you are trying to call is not reachable. Why are Men happier than Women?

Men Are Just Happier People!!

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Man Woman Magic 240 You can be Prime Minister.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Man Woman Magic 241 If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier...!!

Man Woman Magic 242 MEN and WOMEN...

How come you see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women,but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy?

Men say that whoever dies with the most toys win.

Women know that whoever dies with the most toys dies anyhow, and his wife wins.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.99 a minute!

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need!

Women take clothing much more seriously than men.

You never see a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed, get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo!”

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes.

Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Man Woman Magic 243 Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?”

Most men are extrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

Women are looking for Mr. Right...

Men are looking for “Ms.” Right Now!

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.

Male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive sports cars.

And remember, to a woman, “a sense of humor” means you tell good jokes.

To a man, it means that you laugh at HIS!

How do Men and Women...

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Man Woman Magic 244 How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?

The dog of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant!

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say Monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%...wedding cake!

Man Woman Magic 245 • Marriage definition is

“Trust” is a start of it

“love” is a heart of it

“Joy” is a part of it

• Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind and my heart is overflowing...

• Love and Marriage

Love is... Being there for each other.

Marriage is... whether you like it or not.

• Love and Marriage

Love is... Never having to say you’re sorry.

Kissing your Girlfriend!

‘Didn’t you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?’ asked the older brother.

‘Oh hell!’ replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said ‘where’.’ One Love!

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

Man Woman Magic 246 • There is always a perfect understanding between us and whenever we disagree, she goes her way and I go her way too.

• I get up, he gets up, I eat, and he eats. The kids eat. He leaves, I leave. Reverse it at night. That’s it. Welcome to the world of our marriage”

• A good husband is the one who can earn more than his wife can spend. A good wife is the one who can find such a husband.

• What did you have for breakfast? – The usual argument.

• All married men do this – “I have guts to say so, I have the permission of my wife to say so.”

• Girl asks an astrologer –

“Aakash is rich and Prakash is also rich person. What do the stars foretell?”

The astrologer’s replied, “Akash will marry you, but Prakash will remain the lucky guy”

Man Woman Magic 247 Celebrity Speak on Wife and Girlfriend

“Once they call you a Latin Lover, you’re in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.” -- Marcello Mastroianni

Relax......

Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

“There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible.”

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that — sex for money costs less.” - Brendan Francis

“An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.” -Edgar Wallace

“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” - Bob Rubin

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.” - Steve Martin

“I’m glad I’m not bisexual. I couldn’t stand being rejected by men as well as women.” -Bernard Manning.

“A nymphomaniac is a woman as obsessed with sex as the average man.”

-Mignon McLaughlin

Man Woman Magic 248 “What are the three words you never want to hear while making love? “Honey, I’m home.”- Ken Hammond.

“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”- Anonymous

“Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.”

- Bob Hope What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Man Woman Magic 249 7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance The difference between men talking and women talking..

TWO WOMEN TALKING: ======Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Man Woman Magic 250 Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier......

NOW TWO MEN TALKING ======

Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.

Impossible to please;

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

Man Woman Magic 251 So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Man Woman Magic 252 The perfect day The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex and notice she’s gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Sex.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

Man Woman Magic 253 8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Sex.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Sex.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Sex. Sleep Man Woman Magic 254 New York Times Ad

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

“No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#@=$g everything”.

What do I look like?

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more - would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”

Man Woman Magic 255 The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?” And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.” He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?” . “Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.” “Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.

She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?” Woman and the Lover;

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is,” the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.

“No thanks,” the man replies.

Man Woman Magic 256 “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.

“Yes it is,” replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

Man Woman Magic 257 “SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness”, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you start that in here,” the priest says. Ten Husbands;

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Man Woman Magic 258 Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”

“Duh; you’re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!”

Man Woman Magic 259 Custody of the Child;

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, “Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?” The Shoe;

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?” Funny side of Husband & Wife ;

*Two friends, who hadn’t seen each other in several years, met on the street.

Man Woman Magic 260 “Who are you working for now?” asked the first.

“Same people,” answered the other. “My wife and four children”

*A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day. Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.

“Well, you see sir,” he stammered, “my wife works, too— and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner.”

*A friend asked a lady: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

“Yes, a strand of my husband’s hair.”

“But your husband’s still alive!”

“Yes, but his hair’s gone.”

*First Soldier: “What made YOU go into the army?”

Second Soldier: “I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?”

First Soldier: “Well, I had a wife and loved peace.”

Man Woman Magic 261 * They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense

*It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

* It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country

BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let’s Thank ...... the KAAMWALI (The Maid Servant)

*A person who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST.

A person, who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.

A person who surrenders even if he’s RIGHT, is a HUSBAND!

*What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

* Its funny when people discuss over “love marriage” and “arranged marriage”

It is like asking a person if he would like to “hang himself” or “shoot himself”.

* Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? YOU’ve been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??

Man Woman Magic 262 Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

* If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

* Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

* Some people kiss with both eyes closed. Too bad, they marry the same way.

* The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

* A Spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

* I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.

* Getting caught is the mother of Invention.

* Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.

* The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.

* Sign on a famous beauty parlor window:

Man Woman Magic 263 Don’t whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother.

• My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman

• Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.

• I bought my wife a new car.

She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.”

I asked her, “Where’s the car?”

She replied, “In the lake.” -Henny Youngman

• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

“You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

The husband replied,

“Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Man Woman Magic 264 • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

• Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

• A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.” And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. “A billionaire.” she replied,

• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

• It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

• Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Man Woman Magic 265 • Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

• Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, “One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.” “Samy! But he is your enemy !” “Yes, I know that! I’ve suffered all these years so let him suffer now.”

• Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? “ The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

• Husband & Wife - Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: “Your honor, I want to divorce my husband.” “But why ?” asked the judge. She replied, “Because he is not faithful to me.” The judge asked, “How do you know ?” She replied, “My lord, not a single child resembles him.”

• Husband & Wife - Why?

“ Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I’d be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man’s arms. “ Why, Dad ? Tell me why!” Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, “Maybe, Son, she didn’t get the fax.”

Man Woman Magic 266 • Husband & Wife - Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it’s all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” “Why complain?” said the counselor. “You’re still getting the same service!”

• “You looked troubled,” I told my friend, “what’s your problem?”

He replied, “I’m going to be a father.”

“But that’s wonderful,” I said.

“What’s wonderful? My wife doesn’t know about it yet.

• Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband

One woman told another: “My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?”

• Husband & Wife - Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.

Man Woman Magic 267 Why don’t you do that?” “I would love to.” Replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well enough.”

• Husband & Wife - No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, “When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her.” One of his friends asked.” And when you are angry, what do you do?” The man replied, “I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

• Husband & Wife - Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. “Take my advice,” said the neighbour, “and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: “Is that you, Jim?” And that cured him. “Cured him !” asked the woman, “but how?” The neighbour said, “You see, his name is Bill.” Laugh and Enjoy

• Love is blind and marriage is the eye opener.

• When a wife was asked “what book do you like the best?” She answers, “My husband’s cheque book.” • I married my wife for her looks…. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately.

• Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste - David Bissonette

Man Woman Magic 268 • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her - Sacha Guitry

• After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together - Hemant Joshi.

• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher – Socrates.

• Women inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them -

Dumas

• The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, “What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

• I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me -

Anonymous

• “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” - Henry Youngman

• “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” - Sam Kinison

• “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” - James Holt McGavran

Man Woman Magic 269 • “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” - Patrick Murray

• Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:

1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it.

2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. - Nash

• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once... -Anonymous

• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.. - Henny Youngman

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met - Rodney Dangerfield

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong - Milton Berle

• Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy - Anonymous

• A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” - Anonymous

• First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”

Second Guy “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

• If marriages are made in heaven, then what are made in Hell?

Ans: The days after marriage.

Man Woman Magic 270 • During the Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse?

Ans: He is given his last chance to run away”.

• The human brain is most outstanding thing......

It functions 24hrs 365 days.....

It functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in “love”.

• Sometimes the road traveled turns out to be more beautiful than the destination reached. Enjoy leading your life no matter what it turns out to be.

• Fact of life, whom you don’t want today, you will need them tomorrow, whom you reject today, will never again accept you tomorrow.

• The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others, how much they love them while they are alive.

• Marriage is like a relationship between eyes and hands. When hand gets injured, eye will cry. When eye cries – hand will wipe it. That’s friendship.

• It is human tendency to run behind people whom we love and neglect the ones who love us because we are sure we will never lose them. Strange but it’s the fact.

• Always be the reason of someone’s happiness, never be just part of it. Be a part of someone’s sadness, never be the reason for it.

Man Woman Magic 271 • Learn the most beautiful way to live life from the person who loves you the most. Because that person has 100 reasons to smile and 99 are because of you.

• Never look for beauty, IT WILL Fade one day. Never look for money, you may lose it someday. But look for a loyal heart that will miss you every day.

• In every relationship, misunderstandings do exist. But it doesn’t mean the trust ends. It simply shows the way to get one step nearer to your close ones.

• The minds of Husband and Wife are like railway tracks. They never meet but have to go together to save the derailment of the train called Marriage.

• Some people in life are part of you and when you let them go, you never lose them. Because you find the memories of time spent together still living in you.

Man Woman Magic 272 Chapter 12 THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are but on how happy others can be because of you. Dos and Don’ts of Love

A good relationship is like the relation between eye and hand – if hand is hurt, the eye will cry and when the eye cries, the hand will wipe the tears.

You get married both for the better and for the worse. But you hope that it will be all for the better and never for the worse. It never enters the minds of some that the worse is just as necessary to the growth of love as is the better. The hard times are not an obstacle to the growth of love, although they certainly seem to be so when the couple is young. They are a necessary part of experience by which real love becomes a reality. Love, whether it is for God or for men, comes through maturity in hard times. It is living through those hard times together, that gives the good times their real depth and richness, as they realize the true meaning of love.

At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

Many of us………are trained to analyse problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed and a problem to solve.

Man Woman Magic 273 In the state of Kerala there is a festival called Thiruvathira. Women celebrate it, but men are the beneficiaries of it. Women bathe in the pond at 4 o’clock in the morning, stick to a certain diet and keep awake the whole night. They invoke these rituals to ensure that their husbands live long and love them forever.

“Why do unmarried girls do this?” someone enquired, watching a nubile seventeen-year-old religiously going through the rituals.

“She has to do the penances to get the best beau. The prescription for getting one and retaining one is the same.” replied a grandmother. To love someone is natural instinct. To be loved by someone is luck. To live with some one you love is achievement. To live with some one who loves you is true life.

1. That is the first rule for lovers. You need the same amount of skill for pocketing one, and retaining the one you have pocketed. Just because you have won someone, do not rest on your laurels. Always set fresh goals and think of every day as a challenge to please him or her and never to irritate or annoy.

2. Every marriage may not be the perfect union envisioned in fairy tales. Or the type of love that bards sing of, where each is ready to die for the other. Rather, most marriages are not perfect. Fairy tales are what their name implies – tales, not facts. So don’t worry if things don’t happen in your life the way it happens in romantic fiction.

Man Woman Magic 274 3. Rate your marriage by comparing it with the realities going on around you. You will find that you surely deserve an ‘A’ in the happiness you get out of your marriage. And what you find missing can be made available if both go the trial-and- error way and make adjustments till a balance is reached.

4. Concentrate on how much you can give to your marriage rather than worrying about what you are getting out of it. Always be the first person to go halfway with your readiness to give up to make the other happy. Then, in the normal course of events, reciprocation also would be fast.

5. When you find something lacking in your love life, try to fill up the blanks with other things like hobbies based on creative talent, making your career a success, getting involved in social service etc. Human life is not based just on romantic love. When you manage to do well in other fields, the resultant exhilaration will have a positive effect on your love life as well.

6. Good grooming and dressing are important in keeping the romantic flame alive. No one likes to see the spouse in shabby clothes or with uncombed hair. Never dress in a way that makes you look your age, or worse, more than what you really are. Make yourself desirable for your spouse.

7. Be pleasant not just to your spouse but to the rest of the family, friends, neighbours and colleagues. Every person has his own quota of tensions and no one enjoys a spouse who burdens him or her further by antagonizing all and sundry.

Man Woman Magic 275 8. Feel free to make your own rules. Any balance that you strike, or any rule that you lay down in marital life, is justified, so far as it is with mutual consent.

9. It does not matter if it is against the general trend. If Bertrand Russell championed the cause of sexual freedom in marriage by taking lovers on the side, Mahatma Gandhi chose to do away with sex even within marriage. Though he gave up sex at the age of 36, he led a very happy, successful and productive life after that with his wife.

10. Be sure of what you want out of life. Many people, especially women, have to sacrifices their careers to make their love or marriage secure, or vice versa. You should get your priorities straight before making those decisions so that at a later date you would not regret the choice you made.

And, You have to change with changing times, but analyze well the pros and cons of the new scenario before you espouse the new value system. It is easy to liberate the mental block of a genie but practically impossible to bottle the genie back. Try to strike a balance by accepting the good in both the present and old value systems.

Man Woman Magic 276 ABC of Marriage

A - Absolutely adore each other

B - Be best friends

C - Compromise

D - Discover new things together

E - Encourage each other

F - Forgive and forget

G - Gaze into each others eyes

H - Hold hands and hug a lot

I - Inspire and intrigue each other

J - Joke and laugh and have fun

K - Kiss Kiss Kiss ;-)

L - Love with all your hearts

M - Marvel at each other’s talents

N - Nurture each other’s soul

O - Overcome problem together

P - Play games

Man Woman Magic 277 Q - Quiet each other’s fears

R - Remember the little things

S - Say “I love you” everyday

T - Take time for tenderness

U - Understand and care deeply

V - Value everything you share

W - Wish on stars together

X - X-press your true feelings

Y - Yearn for each other’s touch

Z - Zzzzz in each other’s arm

Good relationship is like a tree.

It demands attitude and care in the beginning.

But once it blossoms, it provides you shade in every situation of life.

Man Woman Magic 278 Love

Finally, both husband and wife must not forget the all important influence of love in marriage. Youth will cease, beauty will fade, health will fail, friends will drift away, fame will vanish, but the love of husband and wife must endure, strong, deep, devoted and sweet. If love dies away, no matter what else remains, married life is a pitiable spectre of what it professes to be. Every home is one of the three things: it is paradise, purgatory or hell, depending on how much love prevails, or is lacking in it. May your home be a paradise!

Every human being and every relationship goes through one or another crisis. We make mistakes, we hurt, we suffer, but we learn something. We learn that we are human, and out of the chaos of life we manage to repair, to restore, to heal, and eventually to bring back some joy and harmony into our fragmented lives.

For you to have read this book there must have been a need. You have probably read other self help books or heard wise words from other professional and motivational speakers. The final reality is that if a change has to occur in your life, it has to begin with you. You can no more delegate others to solve your personal problems than you can appoint a surrogate breather. It is your life. Only you can be accountable for it. Only you can give it a new and more productive direction.

Finally ………….

Man Woman Magic 279 Relationship between men and women work despite overwhelming gender differences. Much of the credit here goes to women because of their innate skills to manage both relationships and family. They’re equipped with the ability to sense the motives and meanings behind speech and behaviour, and can therefore predict outcomes or take action early to avert problems. This factor alone would make the world a much safer place if every nation’s leader was a woman. Men are equipped to hunt and chase lunch, find their way home, fire- gaze and procreate – that’s it. They need to learn new ways for modern survival just like women do.

Relationships become rocky when men and women fail to acknowledge they are biologically different and when each expects the other to live up to their expectations. Much of the stress we experience in relationships comes from the false belief that men and women are now the same and have the same priorities, drives and desires.

For the first time in human history we are raising and educating boys and girls in identical ways, teaching them that they are the same and that each is as capable as the other. Then, as adults, they get married and wake up one morning to find they are different from each other in every way, shape and form. It’s little wonder that young people’s relationships, and marriages are in such disastrous shape. Any concept that insists on sexual uniformity is fraught with danger because it demands the same behaviour from both men and women, who have quite different brain circuitry. Sometimes, it’s hard to understand why nature would plan such apparent incompatibility between the sexes. But it only looks that way because our biology is so at odds with our current environment.

Man Woman Magic 280 The good news is that when you understand the origins of these differences, you not only find it easer to live with each other, you can manage, appreciate, and end up cherishing them too. Men want power, achievement and sex. Women want relationships, stability and love. To feel upset about this is as useful as abusing the sky for raining.

Accepting the rain enables you to cope with the weather by carrying an umbrella or raincoat, so it is no longer a problem. In the same way, anticipating the difficulties or conflicts that might arise in relationships as a result of our differences enables you to anticipate and defuse them as they occur.

In writing this book, we have presented information that you probably already knew on a subconscious level, but have never stopped consciously to understand.

It’s amazing that here, at the beginning of the 21st century, we still don’t teach an understanding of male and female relationships in our schools. We prefer to study rats running around mazes or to look at how a monkey will do back flips when conditioned by the reward of bananas. Science is a slow, lumbering discipline and takes years to feed its results into the educations system.

So it’s therefore up to you, the reader to educate yourself. For only then can you hope to have relationships as happy and as fulfilling as both men and women deserve.

Man Woman Magic 281 No marriage is perfect. Like the weavers carpet, it has its threads of red, gold and black. Every thread contributes to the beauty of the pattern. But the black threads give depth and finish to the design. A good marriage will solve problems as they do come and always emerge stronger than before. It takes love, hard work and a large heart to make the marriage a success. Marriage has two greatest gifts to offer you – some one to love, and some one who loves you. Make the best of both. Give your partner all possible encouragement and appreciation. This helps growth. All it takes is some sincere effort and you will discover that there is a whole world of married togetherness and fun waiting out there to be explored. Love is a state of mind and heart, don’t settle for anything less than total commitment. These couples can remain united through better than worse.

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret” Remember,

You have lot to look forward to. May you continue to grow in love and life! Thank you for letting me make a difference in your life. “You can live without anything in life – if you have someone to live for.”

Man Woman Magic 282 About the Author

Squadron Leader Jayasimha

Squadron Leader Jayasimha is the India’s leading trainer in Memory and Soft skills. He is the only Indian to hold maximum Guinness Records in the world. He has 21 years of rich experience in the field of Education, Training and Development in the Indian Air Force. He had won, “Sword of Honour” from President Sri R Venkat Raman for standing first in the Pilots’ Training at Air Force Academy. He had received many Awards / Medals including “Chief of Air Staff Commendation” for his exemplary service in the Indian Air Force. He is also the Graduate of Prestigious “Defence Services Staff College (DSSC)”, Wellington.

Holds the Guinness World Record for remembering 200 random objects, doubling the then existing record on 28 Dec 2005. He had entered into Guinness Records for the second time for lecturing non-stop for 120 hours on personality development concepts from 23 to 28 March 2007. The third record in Photo Flash Memory was for recollecting 20 names and dates of birth in two minutes on 27 Jan 2008. The fourth record was for typing English Alphabet in just 5.03 seconds, showcasing the brain and finger movement co-ordination on 22 July 2010. He had made another Guinness World Record for giving 2436 Hugs in one hour on 29 Sep 2012.

He is presently the Chairman of National Memory Council of India (NMCI). He had been conducting National Memory Championships every year in India so as to showcase India’s brain power to the world and also to encourage raw talent.

Man Woman Magic 283 Through his innovative Memory Techniques he had trained more than 2,90,000 Students/ Teachers/Professionals and House wives on memory and soft skills in India and abroad.

He had featured in “Fear Factor Extreme – Khatron ki Kiladi” (Reality TV Show on Colours TV channel) at South Africa with actors Akshay Kumar and Puja Bedi. He had also acted in a Telugu Films, “Broker”, “Billa – Ranga” and “Happy Days Returns”. He had featured in many Television Channels and in various Newspaper articles.

He is a specialist in outbound/ team building programs – the showcasing of which was seen on the TV reality show, “Champion of Champions” on NTV and Vanita Channel.

He is the founder president of Vision Toastmasters in Hyderabad.

Presently the Managing Director of Jayasimha Mind Dynamics, Hyderabad, which is

India’s Premier Training Outfit conducting soft skills programs /motivational seminars/ Memory training / outbound activities in India and abroad. Education Qualifications

• M B A (HR)

• M S in Counseling & Psychotherapy

• M Sc (Applied Psychology)

• M Sc (Mathematics)

Man Woman Magic 284 • M Sc (Defence & Strategic Analysis)

• M Stats (from ISI Calcutta)

• ACS

• AMIE (Mechanical Engineering)

• B Ed

• Diplomas - Training and Development (ISTD), Leadership and Behavioural Sciences, Customs and Central Excise

• PG Diploma in International Business Operations Author:

* “Train Your Brain” - #1 Best-selling book on Memory and study skills for students

* “Life Will Never be the Same Again” – A self- improvement book

* “Asadhyam Nunch Sadhyaniki (Impossible to Possible – in Telugu) – a book in Telugu to enhance personal excellence

* “Get That Dream Job” – a practical guide to writing resumes, attending Interviews & Group Discussions

* “Simply the Best” Book on Self Esteem and enhancing self confidence

* “Man – Woman Magic” Book on husband – wife relationships

* “Mom & Dad”, a book on art of parenting.

* “Memory Power”, a book on improving Memory.

Man Woman Magic 285 To Communicate with the author : Squadron Leader Jayasimha

Tele: 098660 18989

E-mail : [email protected] ;

Website: www.jayasimha.in

Face book : Jayasimha Squadron Leader

Man Woman Magic 286