Production Script

Home , Little Red Cap (poem), Showgirl (video)

Book & Lyrics by Bert Bernardi Music by Justin Rugg

PRODUCTION SCRIPT

All performances and public readings of THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL are subject to royalties. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS Cast Total: 4 – 1F, 3M JACOB GRIMM: The oldest, most practical and leader of the brothers. WILHELM GRIMM: Fun-loving “middle” brother. He’s along for the ride and enjoys every minute. GEORG GRIMM: The prankster and troublemaker. Youngest of the brothers. SHOWGIRL: A glamorous, sequined and feathered Marilyn Monroe-type.

RUN TIME 70 Minutes

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I #1 Das Book (Part 1) ...... Company #2 Das Book (Part 2) ...... Company #3 Fanfare: Deep, Dark Drama (tacet) ...... Company #4 Fanfare: Theeeee End (tacet) ...... Company #5 Fanfare: Whackity-Schmackity-Doo! (tacet) ...... Company #6 Little Red, Das Musical Part 1: Who’s the Girl? ...... Company #7 Part 2: Slow Down, Little Girl ...... Company #8 Part 3: To Grandmother’s House ...... Company #9 Part 4: Duet ...... Company #10 Little Red-citative ...... Company #11 Part 5: Tap One Out ...... Company #12 Fanfare: Mouse, Bird, Sausage (tacet) ...... Company #13 Fanfare: Three Princesses (tacet) ...... Company #14 Happy Ever After ...... Company

ACT II #15 Follow the Breadcrumbs ...... Company #16 Mrs. Gorton’s Fish Sticks Jingle (tacet) ...... Company #17 Fishy Introduction Song ...... Company #18 You Can Always Have a Fish Stick ...... Company

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 1

ACT I The lights dim. Silence. Offstage, voices are heard. WILHELM Have the lights gone out? JACOB The lights have gone out. It is completely dark. As black as the night in a hooded cape. GEORG Stop it, you’re scaring me. JACOB What are we waiting for? We must start the show! WILHELM Are you sure the lights are out all the way?? JACOB If the lights were out any further, they’d be on. Come— to the stage. GEORG Do we have to? I’ll just wait here. WILHELM Wait for what? GEORG For the lights to come on. JACOB We will all enter the stage on the count of three. ALL THREE Eins, zwei, drei! The three MEN enter the stage. They march in and circle the stage. JACOB and WILHELM stop and take their place. GEORG continues to march and exits. JACOB Where’s he going? Where did he go? WILHELM He left. JACOB I know he left. We just got here and he… Georg. Georg! Where did you go?? GEORG (OFFSTAGE) I’m right here. In the back. JACOB Well get out the back and get back to the front. We’re ready to begin. GEORG But there’s people out there!

2 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

WILHELM He’s referring to das audience. JACOB Well of course das audience. GEORG You never said anything about das audience. JACOB But of course… there always is das audience!! Wilhelm, go back there and get Georg. WILHELM Me? Why me? JACOB Because he is your brother! WILHELM He’s your brother too. JACOB Go get him so we can begin. WILHELM I have to do everything. I’m the maid. He exits. WILHELM and GEORG are heard offstage. WILHELM Come with me. GEORG I don’t want to! WILHELM You must go on the stage! GEORG I’m not going! WILHELM You will! GEORG I won’t. WILHELM You will! GEORG I won’t!!… I’m going on the stage. WILHELM enters, carrying GEORG. WILHELM He is now on the stage.

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 3

JACOB I see that. Put him down. Now we are all here and they are all here and soon the music will play and the show will begin and all of this will happen on the count of three! ALL THREE Eins, zwei, drei!

SONG #1: DAS BOOK (PART ONE)

JACOB Where’s das book? WILHELM Das book? Georg was holding it. JACOB I know! Where is das book? Music plays. GEORG What das book do you mean? JACOB DAS BOOK, DAS BOOK DAS BIG, BIG BOOK THE ONE WITH ALL THE STORIES THAT WE TELL WE NEED EACH AND EVERY PAGE TO MAKE A SHOW UP ON THE STAGE LET’S FIND IT OR I WON’T BE FEELING WELL GEORG DAS BOOK, DAS BOOK?? DAS BIG, BIG BOOK I THINK I KNOW THE ONE YOU SPEAK ABOUT IT’S THE ONE WITH ALL THE WRITING WHICH I KNOW YOU’LL FIND EXCITING BUT IT’S NOT HERE SO WE MUST DO WITHOUT JACOB We can’t do without it… we must have das book!! WILHELM After all, I wrote all the stories. JACOB You mean, I… wrote all the stories. WILHELM I wrote them down, you just watched. GEORG You may have written them down. But they were all my stories to begin with.

4 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

JACOB I wrote the stories! WILHELM I wrote the stories!! GEORG I wrote the stories!!! ALL You??? Hah!!!! (singing) I WROTE THE STORIES OF PEOPLE AND PLACES AND THINGS I’M THE ONE WHO WROTE ABOUT DAMSELS, DISTRESSES, GIRLS IN WHITE DRESSES, WOLVES AND WITCHES, GOLDEN STITCHES, ORPHANS, BREADCRUMBS, QUEENS AND KINGS GEORG Did you ever hear the one about the Mouse, the Bird and the Sausage? WILHELM DAS BOOK, DAS BOOK DAS BIG BIG BOOK WITHOUT IT HERE WE CANNOT DO THE SHOW LET’S GET OUT AND CATCH A TRAIN AND TO YOU AUF WIEDERSEHEN WE’RE SORRY BUT WE SIMPLY HAVE TO GO JACOB And so das audience, we sadly leave you. WILHELM In the middle of the opening number. JACOB In the middle of the opening… it’s not the middle of the opening number, it’s the end of the opening number. Thanks to Georg not having das book. GEORG If you ask me, we really don’t need das book. JACOB Wait, wait, wait right there. Cut the music!!! Music stops. What do you mean we do not need das book??? GEORG We can skip das book and instead, I could do my nightclub routine! I have this song… JACOB Never mind your nightclub routine. We need das book to tell the stories!

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 5

GEORG But we know the stories. We wrote them. You did… he did… I did. We know these stories by heart!!!! JACOB Auswendig?? GEORG Sure. If you say so. WILHELM That means “by heart” in German. Auswendig. GEORG And I knew that!!! Jacob… Wilhelm. What do you say do the show without das book. Das audience will never know! After all, we’re in [insert name of town or city]. WILHELM He’s right. They’ll never know! JACOB ponders this for a moment. JACOB But what about the new story???? We have come here on this very day to tell everyone our brand new story. We barely know that one at all. GEORG We’ll… we’ll make it up as we go along. JACOB Dare we? WILHELM Dare we?? GEORG We dare!!! We shall do the show without das book! On the count of three… Music plays.

SONG #2: DAS BOOK (PART TWO)

ALL THREE Eins, zwei, drei!

DAS BOOK, DAS BOOK WHO REALLY NEEDS DAS BOOK? WE’LL TELL TO YOU OUR STORIES ANYWAY WE’LL PLAY OUT ALL THE PARTS FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS IT’S THE SHOW WE’LL DO TODAY JACOB WITH ME…

6 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

WILHELM AND ME… GEORG WITH ME AND HIM AND HIM ALL THREE WE’LL TELL YOU ALL THE STORIES OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM As they hold out the final note, a SHOWGIRL enters. She buttons the number with her line. SHOWGIRL And a showgirl! She hits her “final pose” bows and exits. The BROTHERS are a bit confused. JACOB What was that?? Did you see that… that… WILHELM I saw that… that. JACOB Who is she? GEORG She’s a showgirl. Did you get a load of her… feathers. WILHELM And those shiny things. And that hat thing… GEORG And those feathers. JACOB What is she doing here? WILHELM Maybe she comes with the room. JACOB Where did she go??? WILHELM She went in the back. GEORG In the back. Yes. I think I’m going in the back too. WILHELM Good idea, I’ll follow you. JACOB Forget the back! We’ll figure out who she is later. We’ve got das audience waiting for das show which we have agreed to do without das book!

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 7

GEORG But the feathers?? JACOB We shall begin with one of the very first stories we ever dared tell. It is perhaps our most popular story you all know and love and it’s called Rotkappchen. WILHELM Rotkappchen. They don’t know what it means. GEORG Oh! I know this… I know this… JACOB Of course you know it… you wrote it. It is the story of a big bad wolf and the girl in the little red cap. Rotkappchen. GEORG Rotkappchen… a musical!! WILHELM Rotkappchen is a comedy. JACOB Are you both out of your minds??? Musical? Comedy?? Nobody sings. It’s not funny. Rotkappchen is a deep dark drama. They ad lib disagreement. Finally… I’ve got it! I’ve got it! GEORG/WILHELM What have you got?? JACOB The answer. We shall each of us tell the story and das audience can decide for themselves what it is. It’s a deal??? WILHELM It’s a deal. GEORG It’s a deal. ALL THREE. I’ll go first. No, I’ll go first. You go first, then I’ll go… stop! JACOB The story of Rotkappchen. A drama!!!

SONG #3: FANFARE: DEEP, DARK DRAMA

Once upon a time there was a little girl… He looks to GEORG. GEORG Me??

8 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

JACOB Who wore a red cap. GEORG I like it. JACOB One day little red cap received a certified letter from her grandmother. GEORG And I had to sign for it. JACOB And she had to sign for it. And the letter said… GEORG Dear little red cap. I am old. I am sick. And I will die. Unless… you come to me and bring me various cheeses and meats which have been stacked between slabs of bread and accompanied by deep fried thin slices of potato. WILHELM So basically the old broad wanted a sandwich and some chips. JACOB Quiet! And so to save her grandmother’s life, little red cap put the meats and cheese and potatoes in a plain brown bag and headed towards her grandmother’s house. GEORG My grandmother lives on the other side of the dark forest. A frightening place filled with hateful animals such as aardvarks, bears and boll weevils. And me, just a little girl in a red cap with a plain brown bag. Oh woe! Oh woe! JACOB Before you could say has… GEORG Hasenpfeffer. JACOB A big bad wolf appeared. WILHELM Did somebody say hasenpfeffer? GEORG Yes. It was me. JACOB And the big bad wolf said— WILHELM Who are you and where are you going and what’s in the bag? GEORG I am none but a little girl in a red cap who is going through the dark forest to see my grandmother and deliver to her this bag filled with edible delicacies. And you… are you a big bad wolf?

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 9

WILHELM No. GEORG Are you another big bad wolf? WILHELM I am a policeman with furry ears. It is not uncommon. Does your grandmother live in the blue cottage with the red shutters? GEORG Yes. I will now go there. Goodbye. WILHELM Goodbye. I will now take a short cut and get there first. JACOB The big bad wolf was not a policeman with furry ears. He was indeed a big bad wolf who indeed took a short cut and arrived at the blue cottage with the red shutters. He knocked at the door. WILHELM Knock knock knock. JACOB He banged on the door. WILHELM Bang bang bang. JACOB And since there was no door, he went inside. GEORG It was there inside the cottage where he saw the grandmother. JACOB adds a mop cap and glasses to become grandmother. A broken down visually impaired senile old woman with a big nose. JACOB Little red cap, is that you? GEORG She said. WILHELM No. I mean yes. Yes I am little red cap. JACOB My, what big eyes you have. WILHELM I have big eyes. JACOB My, what big ears you have.

10 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

WILHELM I have big ears. JACOB My, what big teeth you have. WILHELM I have big teeth. And my, what a big nose you have. See how you like it. JACOB Where are my meats and cheeses? My mouth is yearning, my stomach is growling and my lower intestines quiver in anticipation. GEORG But the big bad wolf who was not little red cap nor a policeman with furry ears said… WILHELM I am not little red cap nor a policeman with furry ears. I am the big bad wolf and I shall now eat you all up. Goodbye. JACOB Goodbye. GEORG And he did. All that was left of grandmother were her mop cap and glasses. And the big bad wolf said… WILHELM It smells like moth balls in here. JACOB Just then little red cap arrived at the cottage. The wolf disguised himself as the grandmother. WILHELM puts on the mop cap and glasses. WILHELM It’s a good thing I didn’t eat these. JACOB Little red cap knocked and banged on the door. GEORG Knocking and banging. Banging and knocking. JACOB Until finally she too realized there was no door. GEORG Grandmother is that you? WILHELM No. I mean yes. GEORG You look sick. WILHELM Okay.

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 11

GEORG It is a good thing I have arrived with a plain brown bag filled with perishables to make you… not perish. WILHELM Okay. JACOB And then little red cap said… GEORG Grandmother, what big eyes you have. JACOB And the wolf said… WILHELM Not this again. Yes, I have big eyes and big ears and big teeth. Fine. GEORG Fine. So long as you know that. Now what? JACOB The moment of truth had finally come. WILHELM Now is the moment of truth. GEORG It finally came! WILHELM I am not grandmother. And I am not a policeman with furry ears. I am the big bad wolf and I have eaten your grandmother all up. And now it is time that I eat you too. Goodbye. GEORG Goodbye. JACOB And the wolf also ate little red cap. But fear not, just then a nearby hunter arrived. He was strong and sturdy and brawny and burly and… The SHOWGIRL enters. And was dressed up like a showgirl. He said… SHOWGIRL How now big bad wolf? I am a strong and sturdy and brawny and burly hunter and I shall tear you open and remove little red cap and grandmother. JACOB And the colorfully-dressed hunter opened up the wolf and saved little red cap and her grandmother. GEORG Grandmother look, the meats and cheeses are unharmed! Shall we brunch?

12 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

JACOB And little red cap and grandmother invited the hunter to what was not really a brunch, more like a sensible meat and cheese platter. But what of the big bad wolf? SHOWGIRL Him? I filled him up with a bag of rocks. WILHELM These stones will cause me great pain. Perhaps death. JACOB And the wolf fell to the ground and died. WILHELM does a long, dramatic death scene. AND DIED!! Finally, he does. And Little Red Cap said. GEORG This cheese is delicious. Pass the chips. JACOB The end.

SONG #4: FANFARE: THEEEEE END

SHOWGIRL exits. GEORG There she goes again. Pardon me… JAC Get back here! WILHELM That’s not the way the story really goes. I’ll tell you my version which I know you’ll really enjoy because it will be funny and it will be better and its not about little red cap… my version is about little red “cape.” A cape!!! That’s funny already!!! JACOB But Wilhelm… WILHELM I’ll take center stage for this… Once upon a time there was a girl… Looks to GEORG. GEORG Me again? WILHELM Who always wore a little red cape! Whackity-Schmackity doo! GEORG Anyway…

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 13

WILHELM Anyway, she was home once day skipping in a circle— she loved to skip—- when her mother said… JACOB Little red cape! Stop skipping. Stop that skipping! GEORG What’s wrong? JACOB Skipping. Skipping is wrong. And not only that, your grandmother is sick and weak. GEORG Sick and weak?? What happened? JACOB She was skipping too much! GEORG Oh. What shall we do to make her strong and well again? JACOB Here is a chocolate cream pie and bottle of cheap wine. GEORG Won’t those make her sicker?? Whackity-Schmackity doo! JACOB On your way! GEORG But grandmother lives so very far off. How will I get there? Cab? Train? Boat? JACOB Feet. Hit the road. Stay on the path. No talking to strangers! And no skipping! WILHELM But little red cape skipped anyway. GEORG Skipping. People just don’t skip enough, you know? WILHELM But before she could skip another skip who did she meet but the big bad wolf. GEORG But because I was skipping therefore exercising, my endorphins were high and I was in such a good mood that nothing could get in my way! Weeeeee!!!! WILHELM The wolf said “Hello girly-girl, slow down. And stop skipping. Stop skipping!” GEORG I can’t mister-mister, I’m skipping my way to grandmother’s house. She is sick and weak so I’m bringing this chocolate cream pie and bottle of cheap wine. She lives on the other side of the woods under the three oak trees near the hedge of hazel bushes.

14 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

WILHELM Hazel bushes? GEORG Uh huh, that’s her name. Hazel Bushes. BOTH Whackity-Schmackity doo! GEORG I come from a long line of bushes. And so off I go mister-mister! WILHELM But wait. How about bringing your grandmother a nice bunch of fresh picked flowers from das floral flower patch? GEORG Das flowers, yes… But if I do that, I’ll be late. WILHELM Your grandmother will be just as sick and weak no matter when you arrive. GEORG Yes of course! To das floral flower patch! WILHELM But the big bad wolf hurried through the woods and got to the three oak trees, the hazel bushes and indeed Hazel herself before little red cape! JACOB Hello?? Hello is someone there? WILHELM Are you Hazel Bushes? JACOB Yes I am and I’m sick and weak. Who are you??? WILHELM I’m little red cape come to visit you! JACOB You’re not little red cape! WILHELM And you’re not sick and weak. JACOB No I just wanted the pie and wine. What did you do with my little red cape??? WILHELM Nothing yet. But just you wait. JACOB What ever you do, don’t put me in the closet! WILHELM What a good idea! To the closet with you!!!!! Moments later, little red cape appeared.

THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 15

GEORG appears with dozens of flowers. GEORG Grandmother Bushes!!! It’s me, little red cape and I have cake and wine and flowers! WILHELM And I have something for you too! GEORG Oh Grandmother, I skipped all the way here. And I picked all these flowers. Skipping and picking and picking and skipping as merry as can be. GEORG tosses the flowers about the room, and of course at WILHELM. WILHELM All right… calm down, calm down. These flowers are plastic. GEORG They’re from a plastic field. Whackity-Schmackity doo! Gee grandmother, your eyes, your ears… WILHELM Eyes, ears, nose and throat they’re all bigger than yours. GEORG Why’s that??? WILHELM Maybe if you’d stop skipping you’d realize I’m the big bad wolf here to eat you. GEORG That’s silly. Here, have some pie. WILHELM I hate pie. GEORG Have some wine? WILHELM I hate pie. GEORG Where’s my grandmother? JACOB (OFFSTAGE) I’m in the closet!!! WILHELM No she’s not. JACOB (OFFSTAGE) Yes I am!!!! GEORG But she has auchlocaustrophobia.

16 THE BROTHERS GRIMM AND A SHOWGIRL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

WILHELM Auchlocaustrophobia? GEORG Auchlocaustrophobia. Fear of closets. WILHELM There’s no such thing. JACOB (OFFSTAGE) Yes there is!!!! WILHELM And now… little red cape, the moment of truth! GEORG It finally came! The SHOWGIRL enters. SHOWGIRL Wait right there!!!! WILHELM Who are you???? GEORG It’s a big burly hunter dressed up like a Showgirl? SHOWGIRL No I’m not. I’m a Showgirl dressed up like a Showgirl. Whackity-Schmackity doo! WILHELM And… SHOWGIRL And I heard screaming, the kind associated with one being locked in a closet. WILHELM You did? JACOB (OFFSTAGE) She did!! SHOWGIRL And I smelled crust the kind associated with the ingredients of a chocolate cream pie. GEORG You did? JACOB (OFFSTAGE) She did!!!! SHOWGIRL And I sensed the presence of wine, of the two buck chuck variety. JACOB (OFFSTAGE) Attagirl!

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