Clubs & Socs Film Gliding Club Scandalous

page 18 page 25 page 17 Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year

 e student newspaper of Imperial College

No. 1,372 • Friday • 9 February 2007 • ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk Sabbatical gets censured First censure motion for more than twenty years passes against the Deputy President (Graduate Students)

What is censure?

This is the first censure against a sabbatical since 1981, when Danny McCabe (a former Deputy President) was censured by Council.

A censure motion is, as one officer put it, “an official slap on the wrist”. It means that Council has accepted poor conduct on the part of the of- ficer who is censured.

It carries no immediate effect, unlike a no confidence motion, which would have resulted in Ms Rahman’s removal from the DPGS position.

The no confidence motion was written by Jon Matthews (Deputy President, Finance & Services), and has been held up in Union Court while vari- ous legalities were discussed.

The censure motion also requires that any new paper brought to Council about Ms Rahman’s performance to be a no confidence motion. The new motion cannot be ‘down- graded’ to a censure. Defending: Shama Rahman, Deputy President (Graduate Students) Prosecuting: Jon Matthews, Deputy President (Finance & Services)

Andy Sykes votes cast against the censure mo- the total length of documents each They raised the point about a viously) was barely touched upon. Editor-in-chief tion were from Council members member was expected to read to postgraduate representative’s fate Most of the early discussion cen- who were dissatisfied with the more than one hundred pages. being voted on by a mostly under- tred around Ms Rahman’s poor A motion of censure was passed move to censure, preferring instead Ms Rahman brought a number of graduate body, even though Ms timekeeping as described in the pa- at Council on Monday against the a motion of no confidence. GSA Executive members to speak Rahman is a Deputy President, per. Notably, these were failures to Deputy President (Graduate Stu- The proceedings opened with a for her; however, most Council elected by the entire student body. attend important College meetings, dents), Shama Rahman. lengthy speech by Ms Rahman in members seemed dissatisfied with Most of the Council rejected this the absence from Management Ms Rahman had initially faced a her defence, which Jon Matthews their defence of Shama, which fo- defence, and the repetition of this & Planning Group (a confidential no confidence motion, but Council (Deputy President, Finance & Serv- cussed on her GSA Chair role and point only served to frustrate some staff/sabb briefing), and her run- voted 17-10 to amend the proceed- ices), the paper’s author, responded very little on her Deputy President of those present. ning of the GSA stall at Freshers’ ings to a censure vote. The censure to before the debate was opened up role (which requires her to work Surprisingly, the controversial Fair. Ms Rahman offered a number itself passed almost unanimously, to the floor, and an arranged list of the same hours as the other sabbs, evidence that made it into the final of excuses for these, and accept with only two of the twenty-seven speakers. among other things). They praised paper (namely, the monitoring of that her timekeeping was poor. Council members present voting Council members were given a her approachable and friendly Ms Rahman’s arrival times, and the against it. Since then, Felix has full rebuttal to Mr Matthews’ paper, manner, and the events that she email evidence of an alleged pre- learned that one, if not both of the which ran to sixty pages, bringing had organised. meditated ‘sickie’ as rerpoted pre- Continued on page 2 2 felix Friday 9 February 2007

NEWS [email protected] College email fault Sabb gets censured “System error” causes old emails to be resent to almost every Continued from front page At Freshers’ Fair, Ms Rahman was student in the College, filling inboxes and raising tempers late in arriving to run the GSA stall, and was spotted drinking the bar when the other sabbs and volun- The College email service had a from last year’s sabb elections to had been less than satisfactory. He teers were packing up at the end of brief fit last Friday, spamming al- mumps, and some even covered did not receive a full explanation for the Fair. most every student with old emails last year’s NUS referendum. the error, and received no notifica- This antagonised a number of from mailing lists. The torrent of email trickled off tion that there was a problem until volunteer officers present, many of The emails were from student by the end of the day, with only a he contacted ICT after receiving whom had been on duty since early mailing lists used by Union Presi- trickle of emails arriving in this the angry missives of upset stu- in the morning, and stayed until dents, as well as Faculty Union- editor’s inbox by 10pm, including dents with full inboxes. later on in the evening to pack up. wide mailing lists and College- two messages about an entrepre- ICT have now fixed the problem, Also, questions were asked about wide lists They began arriving neur’s challenge, and one from Mr it seems. When contact by CGCU Ms Rahman’s problems with budg- late on Friday afternoon, causing Collins. President James Fok in regards et forms, with Council members a number of students’ inboxes to Mr Collins has received “a large to some of his past emails being pointing out that each of the 280 vol- overflow. The messages were arriv- amount” of angry emails from stu- resent, ICT Service Desk respond- unteer club officers are expected to ing from previous Union President, dents who received his own emails, ed: “Due to a system error, many be able to do this. Sameena Misbahuddin, previous presuming him to be responsible. messages that were send to some These points had been covered in CGCU President, Sid Singh, CGCU An exasperated Mr Collins could be distribution lists were re-sent to- a formal written warning issued by President James Fok, the Imperial seen stalking the corridors of Beit day. The monitoring of the system the President, and in the first draft College Health Centre, the Rector, Towers on Friday evening, unhap- showed that this has now ceased. of the no confidence motion that was Sir Richard Sykes, and even the py that he’d been given the blame Please accept our apologies for leaked to Felix. However, Ms Rah- current President, John Collins. unjustifiably. any inconvenience this may have man’s late arrival to the important The emails concerned everything Mr Collins also said ICT’s conduct caused you.” SEC (Strategic Education Commit- tee) meeting, where she had been due to give a presentation about the PhD funding increase (which was later made by Ben Harris), and a failure to submit the GSA budget on Danny McGuinness, Council time, both occured after the no con- Chair, annouces the voting result fidence motion had been submitted. Many of those present commented to Felix that this showed a lack of ing), and that she had had enough regard for her current situation. chances. Ms Rahman had many explana- The doves, however, argued that tions for her poor timekeeping and the removal of Shama might signal attendence, citing building works death for the GSA, which has only and illness as two, and was very existed for two years. There were apologetic for some of the trans- also concerns expressed over what gressions alleged in the paper, her message such a move would send voice almost breaking at times. to the postgraduate student body. As the meeting continued, the After an almost four hour meet- questioning softened somewhat, ing, the move to censure was ap- with Council acknowledging the proved by Council. Voting on the good work Ms Rahman has done in censure took place by secret ballot; organising events for the fledgling Ms Rahman did not return to hear GSA, and in promoting the GSA the result. brand to PGs. As such, Ben Harris A number of Council members (Deputy President, Education & approached by Felix said they voted Welfare) suggested a move to cen- for the move to censure as they felt sure, rather than no confidence. a no confidence motion would fall, Several hawkish Council mem- leaving no official consequences. bers seemed unhappy with this – Concerns over the functioning of one pointed out that this wasn’t the the sabb team after censure seem, first warning Ms Rahman has re- for the moment, unfounded. John ceived (there have been some ver- Collins commented: “It feels like a Our artist’s representation of ICT fixing the College email server after the little, erm, mishap bal warnings, and a written warn- great dark cloud has been lifted.” felix 1,372 Friday 09.02.07

Gay adoption Oscar heavyweight “Christians, Jews and Muslims put “Dench plays a battle-axe teacher, down their Katusha rockets, gre- narrating through her diary the nades and holy texts at the end of story of her developing friendship 2006 for an afternoon of protest with new staff room addition, Cate against the Labour government’s Blanchett, and, as it turns out, Judi Equality Act, due to come into might be in it for more than the force in April.” odd pint down the local, *nudge PAGE 4 wink*” PAGE 17 Hydrogen power? “The majority of research has so Yummy Mario far proved unfruitful, leaving us First you’ll want some kind of sickly with an uneasy choice between tra- sweet-based gift. Heart-shaped ditional renewable energy sources chocolates are boring, what girls re- and nuclear power.” ally want is for you to show just how PAGE 8 seasoned a gamer you are, so head Skinnies on over to StrapYa! and you’ll find Swan Lake “Ironically perhaps, yet although a delightful set of Mario figurines, “The Royal Ballet has wonderful anorexia and obesity cause oppo- some with chocolate and a sound dancers at all levels of its ranks; it site shocking extremes in appear- that plays when you tap them, just needs a production that can ance, are they both manifestations some with hallucinatory drugs hid- fully do them justice.” of a sick culture?” den in small compartments. PAGE 12 PAGE 13 PAGE 19 GOING TO THE MOON, BRB Friday 9 February 2006 felix 3

NEWS [email protected] Election candidate ‘slate’ causes stir A group of Southwell Hall residents have allegedly formed a ‘party’ to stand for all the sabbatical positions

Mark Tweedy Sources close to the group have Facebook Watcher told Felix that the Deputy Presi- dent candidates are, in our source’s Reports have reached Felix of a words, “in it for a laugh”. However, group of students who have formed Mr Giannuzzi’s Facebook status a ‘party’ to stand for each of the is rather provocatively currently available sabbatical positions in the set as “Giannuzzi is President and upcoming elections. divine leader”. It also appears the The students, who are all resi- group may have recruited a mem- dents of Southwell Halls, have been ber to stand for Felix Editor, though dubbed ‘the Southwell Slate’ by this is unconfirmed. senior Union sources. They have The current sabb team have also also drawn ridicule from a number expressed concern over the lack of Union officers, who have com- of experienced Presidential candi- mented to Felix of the lack of expe- dates. It was expected that at least rience that the group exhibit. one seasoned officer would stand, The group has even gone as far as but so far the majority of the candi- to set up a Facebook group named dates are unknown in Union politics. “Giannuzzi 2007” after their Presi- However, there were rumours that dential candidate, Jules Giannuzzi. the current Deputy President (Fi- However, this group has been en- nance & Services), Jon Matthews couraging its members to vote for would stand; he was confirmed as the Slate, breaking the election a Presidential candidate just before rules in the Union Constitution, as going to press. this can be seen as “campaigning The other candidates standing prior to close of nominations”. The for President at the time of going maximum penalty for breaching to press are Sophie Spillard, Diogo this rule is disqualification from the Geraldes, Eric Lai (current Deputy election. President, Clubs & Societies), and However, those involved have Ben Schneider. now been sent a warning by the Nominations close on Tuesday sabbaticals after it was spotted by 13 February, and campaigning will a Union officer, and the group has begin after this. Felix would like to been cleared of any posts. It is un- remind readers that the Union Con- likely any further action will be tak- stitution requires that you think be- en against the candidates. fore you vote. The Facebook group now says The candidates’ manifestos will “this group is in the process of clos- appear in Felix, and will be avail- ing down”. The group at one point able on the web at the same time. contained more than 60 members, Details of how to second candidates including those who had been invit- can be found at www.imperialcol- ed but not accepted membership. legeunion.org/vote. The editor couldn’t find a picture of Southwell Hall, so here’s a ballot box instead

Centenary balloon race ends Union Executive discusses future of Deputy President (Graduate Students) role

In the wake of the censure mo- sition has faced “intense scrutiny” the positions being paid, saying that tion against the Deputy President from the student media (in other they would replace demonstrating (Graduate Students), Shama Rah- words, Felix and Live!), as well as and teaching work for the postgrad- man, the Union Executive discussed from senior volunteer officers, who uate officer concerned, and would the future of the role yesterday. feel the job does not warrant a full- pay about the same as the former The Council has already voted not time sabbatical position. ‘Demoting’ would. This, he said, would encour- to elect a DPGS this year, in antici- this position to a paid volunteer lev- age PhD students to stand for the pation of a review of the position. el should “reduce the level of scru- volunteer positions. Many, includ- A paper jointly written by John tiny to that of a CSC [Club & Society ing the CSC Chairs, vehemently Collins, Union President, and Ms Chair] or Faculty Union President disagreed with this proposal, ar- Rahman was discussed by the Ex- level,” as the paper puts it. guing that it would create tension ecutive at length. The paper focus- The paper suggests removing the between the unpaid undergraduate es on the current problems with the DPGS post and replacing it with a volunteers and the paid postgradu- DPGS position, including the place- number of paid volunteer posts. ate volunteers. ment as a Deputy President, incur- There would a President of the GSA, Ben Harris (Deputy President, ring both the responsibility of being subsuming one of Ms Rahman’s Education & Welfare) explained chair of the GSA (Graduate Stu- roles, and two Vice Presidents (VP that the DPGS role could not be dents Association, representing all of Research Students, and VP of removed without providing some postgraduates) as well as the usual Taught Students). The significant equivalent support structure for day-to-day tasks of being a Deputy sum of money given to the Union postgraduates, or, as he put it, Col- President. to fund the DPGS position in the lege would defecate on the Union It also focusses on the problems subvention (around £28,000) would from a great height. The drive for that have dogged the previous two be used to pay these volunteer of- the DPGS position came from Col- incumbents of the post, Luis Hui ficers, with the extra being plowed lege, after a QAA review found that and Ms Rahman. Both faced dif- back into the GSA to add to the cur- postgraduate welfare support was ficulty in getting training prior to rent funding received from the cen- poor. Presumably, a failure to suita- taking up their posts, as they were tral Union for events. bly replace the DPGS role would re- completely their masters during A number of those present at the sult in College removing the £28,000 The Union’s Centenary balloon race is complete, with the winning the handover period in July-Au- meeting raised concerns over hav- from the subvention. balloon being sent back from Oberzeuzheim, almost 350 miles from gust, and could only spend one day ing paid volunteer officers; no other The Executive seemed resolved the launch point at Beit Quad. Other balloons made it as far as the a week (if that) at work. volunteers are paid for their work. to removing the full-time DPGS Essex and Kent, though most ended up in East London. The paper says that the DPGS po- Mr Collins outlined the reasons for position. 4 felix Friday 9 February 2007 Comment&Opinion Gay adoption – where’s the crime? With the Equality Act due to come into force in April, religious leaders have united to condemn one of the consequences of the act – the right of homosexual couples to adopt from public adoption services

hristians, Jews and really any less qualified than any Muslims put down their man and woman? How can it be Katusha rockets, gre- claimed that well educated, stable nades and holy texts single sex couples are always fun- at the end of 2006 for damentally worse than a Mr and Can afternoon of protest against the Mrs who drink Stella Artois and left Labour government’s Equality Act, school with one GCSE in Geogra- due to come into force in April. But phy between them? Are there no it was no peace deal that brought homosexuals with steady incomes about such an act of unity. Instead a and reasonable judgment? common hatred, greater than that I don’t imagine that all same sex which compels these religions to couples will want to adopt; prob- murder one another and, for those ably not even a majority. But those lacking the sufficient funds, blow who do, deserve the same access themselves up, meant they were on the same side of the protest fence. The gays. Long condemned by “Are all gays the great Lord in the sky through His various messengers and their really any less post humus biographers, and sure- ly scurvy to all that humanity holds qualified than true and dear. It is quite likely that should these unhumans, who now any man and have the right to form legal part- nerships, have free reign to adopt woman?” any child they please, God (peace be upon Him and all the rest of it) and options. Cases should be on an shall conjure up a lightning bolt the individual basis, and genuinely for size of the Crab Nebula and fire it the good of the little scamper. The upon the Earth, killing all those church should not have a legal ex- guilty of sin, and leaving their en- emption to discriminate. lightened bretherin in but a slightly That neither Christian nor Islamic disfigured state. scriptures were written at the time Perhaps the greatest shame of of their respective prophet’s lives all from this episode in sectarian (in fact several hundred years af- squabbling, is that the Equality Act ter) and that interpretations of the addresses everybody who could word of God changes whenever is possibly be discriminated against, convenient for those in power must especially those so angered by it. surely be seen in this ‘enlightened’ In reference to the current dispute, era, with increasingly easy access Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Conner, and the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams Christian supported adoption agen- to information, for what it is. Was cies cannot refuse a Muslim couple it not enough for Karl Marx to pro- on the grounds of religion. claim that religion was the ‘opium across the whole of north Africa of it), Jesus; searching for clout and it’s worth, this author believes that The Church believes that gay of the masses’? and into Spain. legitimacy. What better legitimacy religion is and has been a good tool couples are unfit to raise children. Christ fought the Romans and be- Organised religion, specifically then to come from our creator and for human accomplishment. “The key thing we have to remem- came the reasoning to crusade, the the monotheistic entities spawned destroyer. What greater impetus to But it becomes obsolete and un- ber in all of this is the interests of Jews united against the Egyptians, in the unforgiving desserts of the martyr yourself than the promise fortunate when those who wield the children” Cardinal Cormac Canaanites and Philistines, and Is- Middle East, has been but the rules of an afterlife of eternal bliss. What power start to believe the very Murphy-O’Connor said in his letter lam was the tool of the caliphs to of leaders; Moses, Mohammad greater incentive to behave than fairy tales designed to control the to cabinet ministers. Are all gays spread their power and influence (peace be upon Him and all the rest the threat of divine wrath. For what masses.

Climate change, and what you can do to help

limate change is one a mountain in little steps, not one usage can range between 10 and 15 they are needed for safety reasons of the most important leap’. If we are to reduce the effects watts or more. If you leave four de- suggest that timers, or movement issues in the modern of climate change we need to re- vices on standby, it uses the equiva- sensors are used, and if the light is world. We all know that duce the amount of carbon dioxide lent power of a 60 watt bulb. Over absolutely necessary make sure en- the climate is changing we put into the atmosphere. This is the past year in the UK the Energy ergy saving bulbs are used. In fact Cand that this is a result of our activi- not a difficult concept; even George Saving Trust estimates that stereos make sure your hall, home or area ties. Science has established that cli- Bush has conceded this basic rela- left on standby have cost £290m in of campus is using energy saving mate change is a real phenomenon tionship. The major contributor to electricity and produced 1.6 million bulbs full stop. In many areas of col- and the major cause, an increase in human produced carbon dioxide is tonnes of carbon dioxide. lege these methods are already be- carbon dioxide, are directly related. power generation, and a crucial step We can also influence the policies ing used, but there is definitely room There is no debate on the validity in reducing the amount of carbon of the shops we use and the places for improvement and a bit of positive of these facts in the scientific com- dioxide entering the atmosphere is we work. Imperial is at the very fore- encouragement never hurts. munity. The reality is that most of to reduce the amount of energy we front of environmental science, but if Another effective step to reduce Richard Blackwell- us will see the dramatic effects of use. we look closer even here there are a carbon dioxide emissions is to recy- climate change in our lifetime. So what can we do? Well, there are few minor changes that could make cle things. Many items can be recy- Whitehead The problem is that we know all numerous ways we can all help save a world of difference, possibly liter- cled for less energy that it takes to these facts, but what can one per- energy in our halls of residence, ally. In the communal areas of some make a new item. So, use recycle Pembridge Gardens son do to help? Surely these are home or on campus. The obvious halls of residence the lights are left bins where they are available. If issues that can only be tackled on example is to turn off lights when on 24 hours a day. If this is the case your department does not have re- Warden a global level? Well, yes and no. In they are not required, such as when in your hall, discuss this with the cycle bins then ask for them to be reality, governments have to change we leave a room. Also, leaving your wardening team and the hall man- introduced. Little steps like these the big things and we, the individu- PC, TV, or CD player on when you agers, possibly no one has thought will help us save energy, save people als, need to change the little things. are not using it wastes a lot of en- of changing the lighting? If the money, and ultimately reduce the Like the old proverb says, ‘you climb ergy, and even on standby the power lights can not be turned off because impact of climate change. Friday 9 February 2007 felix 5

COMMENT & OPINION [email protected] Wielding the Chicken or the egg? mighty organ What difference can ethical careers make, asks Freya Summersgill

It’s that perennial question again, what hug a tree to be an active advocate of jobs can be just as rewarding financially came first, the chicken or the egg? Do justice (unless that is something you’re and even more so morally. individuals shape society’s beliefs and into of course, in which case you may Additionally, the culture within your actions, or does society shape individu- continue to do so). You can follow an workplace is more likely to be friendly al’s beliefs and actions? Why does it ethical career that allows you to ad- and open due to the nature of your job matter you may ask? dress environmental and social issues and like-minded collegues. Imagine a situation where you have both locally and on a global scale. On Ultimately, choosing an ethical career been accused of a crime you did not the 21st of February, there will be an is about choosing to be an active propo- commit. Now imagine that there is no ethical careers exhibition here at Im- nent of justice. You may not be the per- evidence, circumstantial or otherwise, perial, which will allow you to discover son who saves 800 million people from to back your case. If found guilty, you are the potential that you are able to offer going hungry every day, but at the very Andy Sykes likely to face life in jail. Would you accept as an individual. least, you have realised that society is defeat? Equally important, would you The idea of an ethical lifestyle often shaped by individuals and it is the in- Editor-in-chief want those who believed in you to give conjures the images of consuming fair dividual choice that you make, which up? Now imagine if you may, injustices trade coffee or chocolate and wearing will lead to change and improvement his week has seen the first censure happening millions, no billions of times organic cotton shirts. However, the worldwide. against a sabbatical officer for more over... Injustice in pay, social exclusion, possibilities to make a visible differ- than twenty years. In a draining four damage to the environment, human ence are endless. Ethical careers can hour Council meeting, we sat and lis- rights violations... Would you rather be be as viable in law, media, social devel- The Ethical Careers Exhibition will tened to accusation, counter-accusa- the passive on-looker or the active ad- opment, government, engineering, en- be held on Wednesday 21st Febru- tion, defences, apologies, and what vocate of justice and truth? terprise and many more sectors. It is a ary, 11:30am-4:00pm, The some present termed “untruths”. We No, you do not need to go on street common misconception that an ethical Great Hall: http://www.union. debated, calmly and coolly (for the protests, chain yourself to fences or career will pay less, when in fact, such ic.ac.uk/ethicalcareersexhibition/ most part), on an elected officer’s conduct. TThough I’m sure the vast majority of the student popu- lation couldn’t give a flying fuck, it was actually an im- portant moment. No longer could sabbaticals sit in their rosy little tower, safe from harm no matter how inept they may be (a certain ex-DPGS springs to mind). John Missives directed to the editor Collins may have bleated in his governance review (no more!) about holding officers to account, but Monday was proof that this year’s sabbaticals and other officers dig at the real porn industry. But now one was applying. We’ve had no males are willing to take the steps necessary to prevent an- Guess who? actually pretty girls (not even naked I apply yet, though we’re promised one other Luis Hui (oops, named him) situation developing. add) drape themselves across our page from the rugby lads (as is traditional). In Shama’s defence, however, she spoke well and con- in the manner of a lingerie advert, re- I’m sorry you took the comment to be fidently despite what must have been a harrowing ‘trial’, Sir, inforcing all the negative connotations offensive; it certainly wasn’t meant to but often refused to accept what seemed to be indefensi- that the original Page 3 so successfully be. ble points from the floor, earning her little respect from One has to wonder whether Adil Hus- mocked. And lastly, I had complaints when some present. Certain thorny topics, notably attendence sein actually conducted any research Society degrades and sexualises I removed the centrefold (because I and her (dis)appearance at Freshers’ Fair, may have before writing last Friday’s article. If women enough as it is; these values wanted to... improve the tone of Felix, I turned many volunteer officers, who sacrifice a great so, he would have found that, regretta- are not something that a student pa- think), and I have received complaints deal of time for very little thanks, against her. bly, there *are* a great number of indi- per should endorse. The real pleasure now I’ve bowed to public pressure and As far as I can see, the furore over the bars appears to viduals and organisations calling for a of the old page three was its message reinstated it. You can’t win, eh? have died down; it seems no-one took issue with John Sharia state in Britain. This is shown by that anyone could be sexy. Now we Collins’ reply to Mez and Jess’ article last week. Either polls and research across the political have reverted to the old, depressing that, or you’ve simply stopped caring. spectrum, from the Guardian to the Pol- view that impossibly beautiful women It’s elections time again, as I mentioned a couple of icy Institute (neither of which can rea- should take off their clothes for the Imperial College is weeks ago. This is now less a call for people to stand, sonably be dismissed as obscure). This base gratification of men such as “the and more a call for thinking before voting. I know that fact should worry both secular Muslims guys at office 307a” and some arrogant green? I think not you may feel compelled to vote for a candidate you know, and non-Muslims alike, but cannot be twerp who seeks only “the most beauti- but that is a terrible reason to elect someone to an office tackled by pretending that the problem ful models” for his centre spread. where they have significant power. (and it *is* undoubtedly a problem for What a waste of a genuinely original Sir, Instead, look at the candidate’s record. If a person has anyone concerned with our social cohe- and groundbreaking idea. zero experience with clubs, will they make a good Dep- sion) does not exist. I have an idea for you: uty President (Clubs & Societies), for example? Though Disappointed, many people imagine the sabbs to be ineffectual, point- Yours faithfully, Ms Frances Smith How about an investigation into how less positions, and a waste of Union money, in day-to-day Anon green imperial college is. I am sick to business they are incredibly vital, dealing with the cri- death of reading all these proclama- sises that arise almost daily. If you elect someone with [Please note that I am at Imperial but Andy Sykes replies: tions on the IC website and in the re- no experience, how can you be sure they’ll do a good would prefer to remain anonymous porter staff paper, about how we are at job? If someone has spent four years as a club chair, because, regrettably, even comments Ah, our first serious complaint about the forefront of environmental science then you can be sure they have a good understanding of such as the above - which are intended page 3! etc. In reality, there is barely any recy- how clubs work. to be a rational contribution to a very Though the points you make a val- cling facilities on campus, and energy And don’t take the “that’s what training is for” line, important debate - have had a ten- id, you’ve taken the comment made waste is astronomical. I work at the as one of my opponents did when I was elected. Just dency to be misconstrued by a small in the paper a little too serious. That charing cross campus and we have to like driving and sex, I’m afraid there’s no subsitute for minority]. was written by me, and as a tongue- do our own recycling and take it to the experience. in-cheek statement (and written about public bins. Right, I’m off to the bar. Have a good weekend. ten minutes before deadline). Imperial should be setting the gold The truth of the matter is that we’re standards. Do we even have an envi- Outraged of as democratic as ever - see the first ronmental policy. Are all the new glass Riding Club page 3 for an example of buildings environmentally sound? Do Tunbridge Wells people who aren’t “conventionally” any new developments incorporate so- felix beautiful. We will take anyone who lar panels, wind turbines etc. Do on site wishes to be naked, and portray them franchises have to adhere to environ- Editor-in-chief Andy Sykes | Deputy Dog Tom Sir, in the best possible light. You wouldn’t mental policies? Roberts | Managing Editor Alex Antonov | Science ask us to make them look bad, would Editor Krystyna Larkham | Business Editor Michael I would like to express my outrage (par- you? Yours faithfully, Olymbios | Music Editors Matthew Hoban, Jenny ticularly in response to the letter from Just to reiterate the point; we will Jack Kerr Gibson, Tom Whitson | Film Editor Andrew the “guys at office 307a” and the reply take anyone. The photographer this Sommerville | Games Editor Mike Cook | Arts Editor from a certain “pornographer-in-chief”) year is very talented, and uses both his Emily Lines Rocks | Fashion Editor Sarah Skeete over the current state of Felix’s Page 3. lighting and his make-up artist friend Andy Sykes replies: | Comment Editor Stephen Brown | Environment Felix Page 3 was revolutionary when it to make the people look as lovely as Editor João Vitor Serra | Clubs & Societies Editor began! No matter how ugly, pretty, fat possible, more for their benefit (isn’t You know, I was just thinking about Kirsty Patterson | Copy Editor Edmund Henley, Besart or thin, male or female, as long as you it a good feeling to have photos where this. While touring the campus distrib- Robo | Pornographer Emerson Vigoureux | Fluffer could take off your clothes for the visual you look good?) than for our reader- uting this mighty organ with a young Josh Levine, Hobag’s cousin, Kim Doolan | enjoyment of the rest of us, it was all to ship’s benefit. American acquaintance of the female the good. No more! For the last three They’re not supposed to be degrad- variety, she happened to comment on Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel 020 7594 issues, Felix has featured ACTUALLY ing, or only focussed on women. The the dearth of recycling bins around the 8072. Fax 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Northcliffe Press, Northcliffe ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE! I ask you, truth is we’ve taken everyone who has College. It seems that with Green Week House, Meadow Road, Derby DE1 2DW. No 1,360, Friday 20 October 2006. what is going on??? Before, Page 3 was applied so far this year; we’ve even approaching, now would be the time to Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2006. a wonderfully democratic and enjoyable had to run stock photos because no- ask what College is doing. Nominations now open! Nominations close Tuesday 13th February

Did you know...? The Deputy President (Education & Welfare) successfully negotiated with College a £2000 pay rise for PhD students. Being a Sabb can make a diff erence; stand for election.

imperialcollegeunion.org/elections unionpage Buy Your Centenary Events Tickets Online!

Tickets are now on sale for two of this yearʼs biggest events. The Centenary Ball is the biggest event of the year and takes place on campus on Saturday 16th June. A champagne reception will be followed by a three-course meal with after-dinner speeches by famous faces. Magicians, comedians and high profi le DJʼs will perform throughout the event, fairground rides, street entertainers and chillout venues and an exclusive alumni and VIP lounge. Tickets are available to students, staff and alumni and are currently at an “early bird” discounted rate, so make sure you get in early!

Also available are tickets to this yearʼs Centenary Varsity Day; culminating in the Centenary JPR Williams Cup Match between the Medics and IC rugby teams. Tickets for the match and the travel to and from are available online now. imperialcollegeunion.org

Balloon Race Results Announced Tell Your MP What On Tuesday 30th January 500 balloons were released from the Beit Quadrangle to mark the launch of the You Think Of Imperial College Centenary.Since then over a dozen balloons have been found by members of the public Top-Up Fees and posted back to the Union. Are you worried about student debt? Completely Balloons have been retrieved from a variety of fed up with paying £3,000 fees? Worried about the locations across East London, Essex and Kent prospect of even higher fees? Do you want to tell and the students and staff who sponsored these your MPs exactly what you think? balloons will win prizes ranging from IPod Nanos to Centenary Wine. The Aldwych Group - which represents students in the UKʼs leading universities (including Imperial) - The fi rst prize weekend break in Paris for two goes is organising a lobby of parliament to let MPs now to the student who sponsored Balloon number 239. exactly what students think of Top-Up fees. As part This special balloon somehow found its way to of this we are looking for 10 Imperials students - Oberzeuzheim, 590 kilometres away from London and especially freshers - who care about the fees in West Germany, outpacing its rivals by over 500 they pay to join us in Parliament to make their kilometres. voice heard.

Congratulations to all those who took part. The The lobby will happen on the afternoon of event raised in excess of £1800 for the Centenary Wednesday 21st February, so if youʼre interested campaign. And remember, you can still buy please contact Ben Harris for more information. early bird discount tickets for the Centenary Ball at our Imperial College Centenary Ball website The Union will make sure you get to Westminster imperialcollegeunion.org/centenary and back in one piece, and weʼll also give you advice on how to make the most of your time, and And The Winners Are... get your MP to listen to you. Roochi Solanki Weekend break in Paris Eirini Spentza Ipod Nano Richard Jones IPod Nano James Millen £50 Primark Vouchers Ryan Bowen Centenary Wine Danushi de Silva Centenary Wine Hugo Doyle Centenary Wine Michael Powell Centenary Wine Fred Van Den Driessche Centenary Wine Aziz Bilgrami Centenary Mug Jad Marrouche Centenary Mug Jennifer Grunwell Centenary Mug Christopher Millsom Centenary Mug

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 8 felix Friday 9 February 2007

SCIENCE [email protected] Look outside! Global Warming! A solution to the world’s energy crisis, and global warming, brought to you by the letter H and the number 2

Krystyna Larkham large molecular complex, made Science Editor of the blood protein albumin and haem component porphyrin, which As the weather gets weirder, news can use solar energy to split wa- reports get gloomier, and even Dav- ter molecules into hydrogen and id Cameron decides to join in the oxygen. fun, it seems that when it comes At present, the most commonly to fossil fuels and climate change, discussed methods of producing hy- we’re pretty much screwed. drogen to fuel a hydrogen economy Barring those who have had their are electrolysis, which is so energy- heads buried firmly in the sand for intensive as to make it economi- the past 12 months, virtually eve- cally unviable, and extraction from ryone has grasped by now that in natural gas. As natural gas is itself order to avert the most serious ef- a fossil fuel, this process is also ulti- fects of global warming, it is time to mately unsustainable. reduce our carbon emissions, and But by replacing the iron atom fast. normally found at the centre of por- But for all the promises of a hy- phyrin (involved with carrying oxy- drogen future, the majority of re- gen around the body in the blood as search has so far proved unfruitful, a component of haemoglobin) with leaving us with an uneasy choice an atom of zinc, the team managed between traditional renewable en- to modify the structure and chemi- With pressure constantly mounting to find sustainable energy, is this a sign of of the future? ergy sources and nuclear power. cal behaviour of the molecule. On (It better be snowing outside otherwise that title is going to flop...) Help may be at hand however, in fusion with genetically modified the form of a collaboration between albumin protein, the resulting com- Professors Tsuchida and Komatsu plex was found to possess remark- to separate water out into hydrogen the long term, these synthetic mol- Imperial College’s Alexander from Waseda University, Japan, able hydrogen-generating powers. and oxygen,” says Dr Stephen Cur- ecules may provide a more environ- Fleming once changed the course and Imperial College London. “It’s very exciting to prove that we ry, a structural biologist from the mentally friendly way of producing of history with his little discovery, The scientists used the tools of can use these biological structures Division of Cell and Molecular Biol- hydrogen, which can be used as a Penicillin. Could it be that we are synthetic biology to synthesise a as a conduit to harness solar energy ogy at Imperial College London. “In ‘green’ fuel.” about to do it all over again?

Dispelling the Po-210 myths

the crust, at a few parts-per-million, chemical bonds they damage with- ing a key role in interviewing the polonium’s as ubiquitous as radon, in cells, very few suffice to provide naturally concerned staff, and in and contributes to half of the back- a lethal dose. A deadly 500 million getting them to provide crucial 24hr ground radiation dose. Becquerel (decays per second) can urine samples. Building on this introduction, come from a few microgrammes It transpired those most affected, Professor Nick Priest (Middlesex) – an invisible speck. To create this, other than the victim, had been continued to the effects on the body. the most likely contender would be Litvinenko’s family and some of the He pointed out that since Po-210 a high-flux nuclear reactor. Expos- bar staff. They’d received doses of emits alpha particles, which have ing a sample of (stable) bismuth- 10s of milliSieverts (a measure of a very short range, it has to enter 209 to 1014 neutrons per second radiation’s effect on the body), not the body before it can do any real would convert a sufficient quantity an unusual dose. In fact it’s impos- damage. Litvinenko seems to have to Bi-210, which decays to Po-210. sible to distinguish its health ef- taken it up in a cup of tea, a rather This is relatively easy – even he’d fects as it’s equivalent to the accu- unlikely poisoned chalice. made some with this method! mulated dose from 10 years of living Yet this mode of entry was well- A further advantage is that as only in southern England. suited to Po-210: whereas other al- Bi and Po are present in the sam- But humans weren’t the HPA’s pha-emitters are relatively poorly ple, there wouldn’t be a geographic only responsibility. The trail had absorbed in the gut (1 part in 10000 fingerprint; it would be impossible to be cleaned up by contractors, for plutonium), as Po-210 passes to pinpoint the source of the poison. as affected materials, effectively through up to 60% is absorbed into These advantages would outweigh low-level nuclear waste, need to be the bloodstream. Once there, it cir- the difficulty in separating the Po- stored for a few years until they’re culates around the body, causing 210 from the rest of the sample no longer a danger. Yet why was the especial damage to parts which swiftly, before too much decays. trail so messy? produce new cells, such as testes, It seems Po-210’s a keen traveller: hair, gut and skin cells. not only does it spread by touch, but Litvinenko’s dose was so high A deadly 500 also by a process known as recoil. A much was concentrated in his liver, glass of Po-210 in solution, though leading to jaundice too. Both Priest million Becquerel it initially seems inert, will swiftly and Clark, who spoke later, high- contaminate a whole room through lighted the difficulty in identifying can come from diffusion: the significant energies poisoning by Po-210. The initial imparted to the solution as decay- symptoms – feeling nauseous with- an invisible speck ing nuclei recoil allows others to in hours – were far more likely to be escape the glass too. This property, All the talk about Polonium-210 became rather intense due to gastroenteritis. Only as oth- Yet if creating it yielded difficul- shared with tritium, means Po-210’s er symptoms slowly emerged were ties, cleaning up after was fraught been used to practise training with other possibilities investigated. with even more, according to Mike difficult materials Edmund Henley details, as they related to an ongo- Po-210 was finally diagnosed due Clark. Once police advisers had The discussion closed on a chilling ing case of his. Instead, the aim was not to its emissions – the hospitals identified Po-210 as the culprit (us- note – although melatonin, used in Polonium-210 was on the menu last to elucidate the science of the case, aren’t set up to detect the short- ing methods he didn’t care to dis- treating jetlag, had been mentioned Thursday evening at the Dana Cen- from the source of the poison, how range alpha radiation – but due to cuss), the HPA found a trail of con- by the panel as a possible treat- tre, with a panel of experts serving it affects the human body, to details the symptoms of Acute Radiation tamination in the hotel rooms, bars ment (it’s an anti-oxidant capable up the audience plenty of food for of clean-up operation. Syndrome (ARS) Litvinenko exhib- and offices Litvinenko had visited of entering the cells and mopping thought concerning this singularly Professor Dennis Henshawe ited. Priest noted this was the first before being hospitalised. Large up damaging free radicals created unpalatable isotope, once again in (Bristol), started the presentations case of ARS from an alpha-emitter; numbers of staff, including nurses by the alpha particles) Litvinenko’s the news as further claims in the with a few basic facts about this iso- the Curies had also died from expo- at the hospital, had potentially been dose was far too high for this to be Litvinenko case emerge. tope of Polonium. Although it has a sure to alpha radiation, but years caught in this messy wake, and the of any use; once in his gut, nothing Yet who did what to whom was not short half-life (roughly 130 days) it’s later. problem of ensuring their safety could be done. at issue – indeed, one of the panel, maintained at a constant level in Numbers aplenty were provided was compounded by the lack of a And though Po-210’s messy trail Dr Michael Clark, the science the environment, as it’s produced by Dr Paddy Reagan (Surrey) whilst standard monitoring procedure makes it by no means a perfect spokesman for the Health Protec- by the decay of uranium, which has he examined provenance. He point- – almost no-one works with Po-210. murder weapon, it’s undoubtedly a tion Agency (HPA), was naturally a half life of 4.5 billion years. In fact, ed out that since the alpha particles In the ensuing discussion, he sin- nasty one, more than enough to put very loathe to discuss these sorts of as uranium’s relatively common in are very energetic, compared to the gled out the HPA’s medics as play- other dissidents off their lunch. Teach First’s graduate programme is a unique opportunity to be different and to make a difference. It’s an innovative combination of teaching with management skills training and leadership development, plus unparalleled internship, networking and coaching opportunities. Whatever you aim to do with your career, Teach First.

APPLY NOW DEADLINE: 30th March 2007 (including Deloitte Teach First Scheme) SUBJECTS: MATHS, SCIENCE,ICT, DESIGN AND TECHNOLOGY

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UK HOME STUDENTS CollegeCollege HardshipHardship FundFund Are you experiencing Overseas and European Students financial hardship? Are you experiencing financial hardship? If you are, and you are a registered student, you may be eligible for assistance from the Access to Learning Fund. Do you have any unexpected or POSTGRADUATE If you are a self-financing postgraduate exceptionally high costs that you cannot you will need to be able to demonstrate that you made realistic afford to pay? provisions to fund your studies. Applications must be submitted by 24 August 2007. If the answer is yes to either of these questions you may be eligible UNDERGRADUATE You must have applied for your maximum for assistance from the College Hardship Fund. student loan entitlement and have received the first instalment. The closing date for this term is 26 February. Applications must be submitted by 18 May 2007. We can accept applications after this date from medical students in their clinical Please note that the funds we have available are limited and we year or other undergraduates in exceptional cases. cannot assist with payment of tuition fees.

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Please direct enquiries to [email protected], telephone 020 7594 8130. Please direct enquiries to [email protected], telephone 020 7594 8122. 10 felix Friday 9 February 2007 eviews RMUSIC [email protected] Do, Make, Shins Think? This week we take a look at the new Do Make Say Think and Shins albums

album review Say Think, Ohad Benchetrit and Charles Spearin are also in Broken Social Scene. Therefore, Do Make Say Think actually know about cre- ating one of those things they call, erm, melodies. Enough scene-setting, I want to talk about this album. You, You’re A History In Rust is Do Make Say Think’s first album in about 4 years Matty Hoban and what is remarkable about it Do Make Say Think is that is contains vocals, but you Trencher Lover You, You’re A History In Rust are probably wondering why this (Constellation Records) is remarkable. Well, in the past, Do ★★★★★ Make Say Think were lobbed – un- ell, well, well I derstandably in some senses – in bet you missed Drummers, drummers, drummers. the genre pit they call post-rock be- your music sec- If you have ever been in a band or cause they made instrumental mu- tion haven’t tried to form a band, you’ll know that sic that in some instances rocked. you? What? No, trying to find a drummer is like try- However, where post-rock can be Wyou didn’t? Well, that just hurts in ing to find reason amongst a group seen to be miserable semi-compe- so many ways you’ll never under- of fundamentalist Christians. When tent musicians pummelling away stand. Anyway, we’ll kick back into I stumble across a group with more at the same riff until their hands Do Make Say Think in their natural abode: the house of Jazz action with two pages of reviews than one (good) drummer, it really fall off (see Mono’s last album), Do and an interview with some band does make me ponder how long it Make Say Think were inventive and called The View. I hear they are must have taken to find skin beat- inclusive in their instrumental rock section becoming more prominent album review the NME’s next best thing since ers of such quality in a non-singular calling upon the Jazz gods and the with hints towards the work of Six last week, so I will probably fol- amount, or in simpler terms, wow. spirit of Can. Now with You, You’re Organs of Admittance who was lowing their career with great Another thing I am a sucker for A History In Rust they are incorpo- gaining stature at the time. Do ignorance. is horns, and I love me a good horn rating vocals, but only on two of the Make Say Think albums seem to be Enough morose behaviour, I section like a pig enjoys wallowing six tracks, and it really does make both introverted in that they reflect was tired of bad music getting in its own muck. If horns and two sense. the progress of the relationships coverage and not enough atten- drummers collide, only perfec- It makes sense because if you go in the band, but they are reflective tion being given to good music, tion can come from it; go listen to and listen to their previous albums, and seem to absorb the musical en- so I reviewed the new Do Make Soeza (from Bristol and on Gringo you notice that there is a cohesive vironment around them. Say Think album which is out on Records) and you will understand sound to the music: Goodbye En- With their new album, they ap- Monday. I hope you aren’t put off my point completely. Do Make Say emy Airship The Landlord Is Dead pear to have taken on board many The Shins by my hyperbole but if you have Think employ both the use of two has an angular, repetitive cold of the ideas and feel of the recent Wincing The Night Away followed the successive albums drummers and a mighty horn sec- texture to it which truly reflects resurgence in folk-inspired music, (Transgressive Records) they put out sporadically then you tion and make the kind of trium- 2000, also the year of Shellac’s 1000 both psychedelic and lo-fi. Akron/ ★★✩✩✩ should be excited. They tip-toe phant music that if those aforemen- Hurts which sported a harsh and Family make a high-powered (and across the line between self-indul- tioned Christians played it to you, cold sound; & Yet & Yet sported a occasionally loud) folk racket and The Shins are an odd lot, in these gent improvisation and tight pre- you’d be converted in an instant brighter and looser jazz feel at a they seem to be an inspiration and times of every group having a hook, rehearsed melodic and rhythmic and demand the rapture. time of fear in North America (early key collaborator (I imagine they or as Mark Thompson would say, an punches, and pretty much always Do Make Say Think are part of 2002), this album reflected a move sing the vocals) on this album. So, 'ident', it is unusal to come across come out with the goods. the Constellation Records collec- away from harsh and simple tones acoustic guitars and loose, and quick such an oustandinly bland band. There may be a chance that you tive which exist out of Montreal to more improvisation-based music waltz-time drumming is the order Wincing The Night Away is The haven’t heard of Do Make Say and contains many a band that has with sample manipulation in the un- of the day and oh, how delightfully Shins third release distributed by Think before, but their music is something to do with Godspeed derground scene inspired by bands they do it. The range in dynamics the hip Transgressive Records la- available in different means and is You! Black Emperor. However, Do such as Tortoise, and more closer- also invigorates the music where bel, in a roster including Lady Fuzz worth checking out. But this week, Make Say Think – of Toronto, On- to-home acts such as Four Tet A With Living has hushed acoustic and the equally dull Young Knives. I have been thinking about in- tario in Canada – have very little to getting recognition; Winter Hymn guitars and group singing and The All the same listening to the album strumental music and its nature. do with Godspeed, and this makes Country Hymn Secret Hymn, re- Universe! has foot-on-the-monitor is not offensive either and is best I know a lot of people when they them rather refreshing amongst leased in 2003, hinted at more pas- riffs up to the eyebrows. This album described as a dull sunday morning first hear an instrumental band most of the Constellation gathering. toral and folk-inspired tones yet is both raucous and delicate like a – where the Velvet Underground are stricken by the lack of vocals For those who like their Canadian retained a harsh edge as heard on load of folk musicians piled up into would be classed as the good and can’t get past it. It just shows indie-pop, key-players in Do Make Goodbye Enemy… with a string the back of your local pub and pis- version. that with a lot of modern music, sed out of their minds whilst two Tracks like Red Rabbit drag on, an emphasis is put on the vocals, blokes in the back hit as much stuff the cheery vocal sound of James lyrics and ‘front-man’. All I know is as they can. Mercer is marred by a droll set of that if I listen to a band with vocals When they were recording this al- lyrics and a group behind him who and the backing music is uninven- bum they were recording a commu- sound like a band of hippies who tive and uninspired and precisely nity giving each other a big musical have only just been able to afford all that, backing music, I am turned hug and sloppy kiss. Fun, yes fuck- the milky delay pedals they had wet off. ing fun! Something you will never dreams about. The result? The al- It appears we have never moved hear uttered in the same passing bum has no punch or feel, the bass- on from the 50s and 60s band phrase as post-rock is the word fun, ist should have just not bothered, formation such as Jerry and the and I’m not saying, “Blink 182 are the drummer makes a drum ma- Pacemakers. I don’t want to hear fun,” I am saying this is uplifting chine have groove and the guitarist, the instruments buried in a mess and feel-good in a non-guilty way. well we have already covered them. that necessitates the lead singer, For those who would call me The album seems 20 years too late, I want to hear bands working pretentious for liking this, I can’t the jangly prog approach apparent- as a whole. This tenuously de- emphasise just how much fun this ly wooed critics when the Shins de- scribes the difference between Do album is. It is not miserable fluff buted but why have some modern Make Say Think and The Shins: like so much rubbish around at the attempt when you can pick up the Do Make Say Think make music minute, it is a load of friends dig- real deal? In truth some people will through a communal effort and ging deep, strapping their guitars like this album, those mellow, pubic there are many brilliant layers, on and making essential music. hair combing, merkin knitters will whereas The Shins struggle to So for those who did not know, fun probably drive Prius hybrid cars, move beyond simple structures, is two drummers and a huge horn smell there own farts and talk with ideas and layers. The Shins first section. their eyes closed they are so smug. album showed both their scope (Insert sexual innuendo in the form of a riding joke here): The Shins Matty Hoban Nick Simpson and their pinnacle. Friday 9 February 2007 felix 11

MUSIC [email protected] The albums, they are now aflowing album review Armed with his acoustic bass gui- album review tar and some of the freshest, sharp- est, most observant lyrics around at the moment Jamie T has managed to combine elements from a wide range of genres. Fusing funk, hip- hop, punk and reggae he manages to create a fairly unique sound, at least in the more commercial mu- sic scene, that will only help to ce- ment this young man into the Brit- Jamie T ish music scene. Snoop Dogg Panic Prevention Lyrically speaking Jamie T takes Tha Blue Carpet Treatment Jamie T looking down at you, you worthless worm (EMI) his inspiration from his surround- (Geffen Records) ★★★★✩ ings of grimy London bringing in ★★✩✩✩ aspects of teenage life in London are responsible for the rise of NWA strates the high production values At the tender ages of 20 Jamie T to most of his songs such as Sheila Who can bring together Nate Dogg, and gangsta rap in general. Tour- of R&G along with the classic rap should be pretty impressed with the and XXX. Discussion of teenage The Game, Dr Dre, Ice Cube, ing on Lollopalooza and working album structure. That's That Shit amazing amount of hype and spec- life is something Jamie T certainly George Clinton, Akon, Stevie Won- alongside popstars such as Justin feat. R. Kelly covers smooth 'titty ulation that has been surrounding doesn't shy away speaking openly der, Damian Marley and R. Kelly on Timberlake and Pharrel, Snoop style' content while Gangbangn 101 his debut album Panic Prevention. about girls finding love behind a single album and still call it his has certainly being playing the is clearly the uzi spraying niggaz I first heard his debut single Sheila the bike-shed and drunken bar own? Its the Snoop dee-ooh-double- PR game in the last few years al- track of the album. over the summer when it amassed fights doesn't seem to phase this gee of course! though R&G still struggle to mimic Past this, there is not much to say a simply staggering amount of youngster. It was over 10 years ago when Dre anything like the success of his first about this album, it is generic but airplay on the likes of XFM and Speaking volumes about teenage produced Snoop's debut, Doggy- 1993 release. fresh, it doesn't step on the toes of Radio 1 since which the Jamie T life in Britain Panic Prevention will style – a record that has since gone Opening with Intrology you soon anything before but then again it bandwagon has been growing at an no doubt strike a chord with it's in- quadruple platinum shifting over 6 realise Snoop is back on top of the doesn't push the boundaries of the alarming rate with his latest sin- tended audience across the country million units in the US of A alone. game, oozing attitude before cas- genre either – Tha Blue Carpet gles If you ain't got the money and almost certainly making it a huge Since then the Dogg has had mod- cading into Think About It, one of Treatment offers good entertain- Calm Down Dearest only served to seller. erate sales, ever popularised by the the few tracks on the album when ment, but don't expect the world. further fuel the hype. Tom Whitson white middle class of America who Snoop flies solo. The album demon- Nick Simpson A view to an inter-view: The View interview

The 1st of December, Christmas of hype, when did you sign with He flew up to come to a gig in About sixty percent of the set was dancers in bikinis on stage with us, on the way, term nearly over. Not a 1965? Dundee, loved in [sic] an [sic] par- oasis [sic] songs an [sic] the rest they've no idea what to do! bad day all in all but just to add to February or something, but we tied all night long then went back was kina [sic] split between t-rex it, Felix sent me to meet The View. knew we were going to sign (with down to London the next day. We [sic] and the Beatles What was it like working with Sounds almost mystical in a way them) before that. I think probably had a gig in Glasgow the next night, Definitely Maybe producer, Owen but sadly it’s not really, The View from fireworks night [sic] last year and he fuckin [sic] flew back up You were in town last night. Get Morris? are a band from Dundee in Scot- we knew we were going to sign with again met with us there and was up to anything much? Ah, its fuckin [sic] great man. land, they play what you would nor- James (Endeacott, one of 1965s two like ‘surprise!’ an [sic] like pogo- We were playing with Babysham- Owens [sic] like my mate now. He’s mally call ‘indie’ music and they are owners, discoverer of the libertines, ing at the front of the gig. The guy bles last night (at one of the anti just mental to work with. Defiantly going to be huge! strokes [sic], etc) but we never actu- from virgin [sic] was like ‘I signed racism gigs) it was really funny. [sic] the craziest person I know. After a wild goose chase to Cam- ally signed until just after we came the kooks’ [sic] that was the end of There’s was [sic] no sound check Just after we finished recording we den, we meet up with Keiren (bass off the Babyshambles tour. that! or anything, typical shambles [sic] went for a drive in a field in his jag player and songwriter) in a Holiday gig. to see what it sounded like. An he’s Inn at King’s Cross. He starts by We were a bit overwhelmed by About a year ago I think you had like ‘you drive, you drive, chase that asking where we’re from and after the fan-base you’ve managed to a small EP out with a local label in How long you been touring with rabbit’ an [sic] as we where [sic] being told, politely declines being accumulate when we last saw you Dundee? Primal Scream now? chasing it the bumpers fell off, then sent a copy of Felix. at Brixton. Yeah our manager runs a really Bout [sic] 3 weeks ago, 17 dates. driving home it broke down, some- Yeah it was fuckin [sic] cool, we small label, I think that ep [sic] is thing had happened to the engine So you’re playing Brixton Acade- didn’t know what to expect having all they’ve ever released. Came out You’ve got the album coming out an [sic] it was a write off. His wife my tonight then? Looking forward never been to Brixton before. All in January. in the new year sometime? All came out on the last day an [sic] to it? the carling academy’s [sic] are sort recorded? went mental cause he’d obviously Yeah, its Brixton academy [sic] of the same but that ones [sic] a That was just when you were play- 25th of January its [sic] coming blamed it all on me. man! Great venue. bit different really. I mean just the ing The Doghouse (small venue in out I think, its [sic] all recorded an chants, when we arrived it was all the middle of Dundee) wasn’t it? [sic] mixed were just trying to get At this point Keiren leaves to attend There a couple of weeks ago run run run, an [sic] grabbing gui- Yeah just The Doghouse and a cou- the artwork an [sic] stuff right. I’m the night’s sound-check, a novel weren’t you? With The Fratellis? tars. But you could hear [the crowd] ple of local pubs and stuff. fuckin [sic] ecstatic with it man experience for him at the Brixton Mmm, was good. We played in chant, an it was great to jump on- Academy. So, having no more band Cardiff supporting peaches [sic], stage. I can’t wait to play it again to- There a few crazy stories about Going straight onto the album members to interview, we depart. then jumped in the van, drove from night, a [sic] tomorrow will be bet- why you were thrown out of the tour when that’s out? Or are you The View played that evening to a Cardiff to Brixton. Supposed to be ter cause [sic] it’s the last night of first pub you wrote and practiced having a break? crowd who already knew them de- onstage at 11 and we showed up at the tour. It’ll be messy tomorrow. in, the Bay View I think? We'll not get a break, I was under spite the lack of released material five too [sic], but when we went on It just got a bit outta [sic] hand, Kyle the impression we were getting one and the fact that everyone there stage it was great. There here [sic] When you signed with James (En- (lead signer) his cousin owned it an over Christmas but we only have should have been there to see Pri- loads of people there to see us an deacott) there were a couple of [sic] was just as much of a nutter as the 22nd and the 25th off! An [sic] mal Scream. [sic] stuff. other labels after you I think, why me an [sic] Kyle about the band. An then on the 1st of January were go- They play songs that make you choose them? [sic] we used to just sit up and drink ing to America an to Japan in a few want to dance and sing along, while Well, we enjoyed it. Are you play- Aye, aye there was. Met a guy the place dry. I mean there’s a story weeks. that’s not particularly unusual for ing the Winter Wonderland shows from EMI, he was a tosser, and vir- about us driving a scooter along the me, it seemed that many people felt for Xfm? gin [sic] too. James was the first bar, but its [sic] wasn’t a fuckin [sic] Have you done any overseas gigs the same way. Minor technical diffi- Yeah up in Glasgow, it’s [sic] that out of any label to get in touch with Harley Davidson, it was just one of before? culties were experienced for a good not on Thursday? us. Our manager had said that wed them push scooters we went along We did a festival in Italy over the 20 minutes however, but unfazed by [sic] better start thinking about who on and jumped onto the dance floor! summer and we did Ibiza rocks. roadies running left, right and cen- I have no idea man, your playing we wanted to sign with cause [sic] It was mainly cause [sic] we kept That was fuckin [sic] great man. Its tre they pulled through to finish the it, not me! we have different offers, an [sic] I stealing drink that we got chucked [sic] like a big pub but it don’t [sic] set. Yeah yeah, it’s on Thursday. was thinking im [sic] just gonna out. have any roof on it or anything! An All I’m going to say to you now is [sic] sign with the 1st company that [sic] the backstage areas is up a this: the album Hats Off The Busk- So you’re doing two nights at Brix- comes along an [sic] gives you some You were originally a cover band I level an [sic] right on Santonio bay. ers comes out on the 22nd of Janu- ton, then where are you off to? money! But he pushed us to say so think weren’t you? You can watch the sunset while ary, if you do not own it by the 23rd Astoria! Our headline show! Big- I said rough trade, id [sic] like to be Yeah we were, but we stopped do- having a drink! Their trying to cash you will already have missed out on gest headline show we’ve done to with rough trade [sic] which is who ing that when we were seventeen. in on the indie bands over there, but something. date, Sold out! James was with at the time. An We used to play caravan parks for thieve [sic] still got a dance attitude [sic] then he left rough trade [sic] money, it was quite cool. to it, the [sic] don’t get the whole Sam Lombard Well you’ve created quite a bit to start up 1965 so. What kind of stuff did you play? thing. Their [sic] putting loads of Richard Ware 12 felix Friday 9 February 2007

ARTS [email protected] The fairytale of frustrated love The Royal Ballet’s performance is sold out but Felix managed to catch a look at this most famous of ballets

Swan Lake Royal Ballet at The Royal Opera House Until February 27th Day seats only

I realised, not very long ago, that you don’t really go to see Swan Lake for the story – it is, after all a fairly simple fairytale: ‘Once upon a time, there was a Prince, he was sad and unfulfilled, he meets a mysterious Princess who is also sad and unful- filled, he vows eternal love, he ac- cidentally breaks this vow, Prince and Princess commit suicide and live happily ever after in the after- life’. It reads like a somewhat ma- cabre horoscope. No, you go to see Swan Lake for the dancing and the music, and you won’t be disappoint- ed at all by what’s on offer from the Royal Ballet in its current run of performances. On opening night, Roberta Mar- quez and Ivan Putrov danced the roles of Odette/Odile and Prince Siegfried beautifully. Ivan Putrov is a very young Prince, not so much melancholy as a rich boy who has not yet found much in life, but won- derfully attentive and enamoured of Odette, endearingly earnest in his declarations of love and enough of an innocent to convince us that he could be deceived so completely by the machinations of Von Rothbart and his daughter. JOHAN PERSSON It is often said that the dual role of Odette/Odile is one of the most challenging in the classical rep- to hang himself on. As Odette, Mar- the white acts and the Orchestra of Prince decides to hold his birthday dancing harder to see, not some- ertoire for a ballerina; she has to quez is lovely and sorrowful but the Royal Opera House played with celebrations in a gloomy forest, with thing that is particularly desirous embody all the qualities of the swan not quite majestic enough to be a passion and subtlety under Pavel bits of tinsel and baubles hanging in a ballet production. princess and those of the enchant- queen and needed a more melting Sorokin. If only the production itself from the branches and apparently The Royal Ballet is in the fortu- er’s daughter, captivating both the quality in her movements to really was as even. on the edges of a mist-enveloped nate position where it has wonder- prince and the audience. In this, convince us of her plight. This production mounted by swamp. ful dancers at all levels of its ranks; Marquez succeeds more in her in- There were excellent supporting Anthony Dowell is set firmly in When the curtains open on Act III, it just needs a production that can terpretation of Odile – here she is performances all round. Belinda Russia, rather than the Germany you would be forgiven for thinking fully do them justice. It may not be out to dazzle the Prince, playing Hatley, Laura Morera and Yohei that is suggested by the charac- that they had made a horrible mis- the cheapest company to see but with him, delighting in her mastery Sasaki performed a lively and up- ters’ names, which is fine as it fits take and taken us to Von Rothbart’s you can get tickets from £11 sitting of the situation but knowing all the lifting Act I pas de trios, Alastair Tchaikovsky’s music better. But in castle instead of Prince Siegfried’s, and £5 standing from the box office time that he never stood a chance. Marriott was a suitably menacing some Acts, notably the non-lake- as it is so full of dangling wires, red on the day, and its an effort that Her pas de deux with the Prince is Evil Spirit and later, a stylish, Mo- side ones, the scenery is overpow- lighting, oppressive bits of metal would be well worth it. As someone calculated, she really looks like she hawk-adorned Von Rothbart and eringly fussy. Acts II and IV are and an enormous staircase that once told me, ‘our Olympians of is enjoying the whole deception, Iohna Loots and Michael Stojko reasonably restrained and the final would not look out of place in a par- dance’ are on top form, in a sold- trembling a little and flicking her provided a perky Act III Neapolitan tableaux, although very traditional, ticularly high-camp production of out, if imperfect, production of this arms in a cool imitation of Odette’s dance. The corps was well drilled is genuinely beautiful; but in Act Phantom of the Opera. If anything, most famous of ballets. wings, giving him just enough rope and particularly mesmerising in I, I can never understand why the it distracts the eye and makes the Lily Topham

Art for the masses at the NG

Manet to Picasso cramped Sainsbury Wing. In fact upstairs to look at the highly under- National Gallery you probably won’t even see any- rated religious paintings of the 13th Until May 2007 thing new, as these are some of the and 14th centuries. It doesn’t seem Free most famous paintings in the world. fashionable to show off these excel- This exhibition has simply no depth lent medieval works in our largest From time to time large galleries or direction, and you’re more likely galleries, but for me they’re some like the National, Portrait and Tate to come out (like me) thinking that of the most moving and inspiring Britain advertise re-hangs or ex- you’ve just wasted a good half-hour art you can see in London. hibitions aimed at bringing in the elbowing your way through hoards Don’t let these galleries tell you crowds and heightening the profile of tourists with their screaming what to like. A lack of knowledge of of the gallery. children. art is not a reason to lack an opin- Manet to Picasso is one such ex- It does have a saving grace. ion. Sure the Impressionists revo- hibition, and with almost nothing Seuret’s Bathers at Asnières, a fa- lutionised painting, but that doesn’t of interest to anyone with a basic vourite painting of mine, is placed mean that you have to appreciate knowledge of the primary colours, with a collection of Seuret’s stud- them, and there are plenty of inter- it is more or less just a tourist trap. ies. This nod to the artistic process esting artistic movements that are Don’t be deceived by the impres- is sadly unique in this exhibition. If frequently overlooked for this kind sive list of works on display here. you do insist on going, I find that of show. Yes, you can see Van Gogh’s Sun- most galleries tend to be devoid of London has such a wealth of free flowers, Renoir’s Boating on the all but the most die-hard art stu- art at your disposal, these no-brain Seine and Monet’s The Water-Lily dents on Tuesday mornings, pos- exhibitions are almost an insult to Pond just a few feet away from each sibly the only time you could really our rich heritage. other, but you won’t experience an- enjoy these pieces. Emily Lines Claude Monet The Beach at Trouville, 1870 ything from them in the dark and You’re much better off heading Arts Editor © The National Gallery, London Friday 9 February 2007 felix 13

FASHION [email protected] Anorexia: a media problem? COOL Is the eating disorder a major concern or just an excuse for sensationalist journalism?

Pocket watches Get yours from £8 at Brick Lane Market. While you're there, stop by Spitalfields market, and Hurundeki, a vintage shop on Com- mercial Street.

Sophie Dahl: before...... and after Jodie Kidd: before ...... and after

Sarah Skeete does the media have any responsi- signers currently make their sam- passed down families; the mother Fashion Editor bly towards these vulnerable teen- ple sizes size 6. The sample size is teaches her daughters how to cook, age girls? what models wear on the catwalk, and they then cook for their hus- Anorexia and obesity are the The model Giselle said of anorex- and so models are pressurised into band and teach their daughters. health problems currently garner- ia, "I never suffered this problem being a certain size. Making a wide With feminism came also micro- Cheeky Wink Shopper ing the most attention. Ironically because I had a very strong family range of sizes, while being politi- wave meals and liberation from the Supercute! From Urban perhaps, yet although anorexia and base. The parents are responsible, cally correct, is expensive. kitchen. Outfitters for £20, though obesity cause opposite shocking not fashion." Anorexia isn't just a So why shouldn't designers make While this liberation can only be if you're artistically tal- extremes in appearance, are they disease, it's a symptom of wider the sample size larger, do they pre- a good thing, it has meant genera- ented, do the math and both manifestations of a sick cul- mental health problems. Obviously fer working with slim models? The tions of families growing up without make your own. ture? Are the sensationalist articles it's not responsible to publish pho- truth is, it's just easier to design knowing basic nutrition and how to justified in saying disordered eating to's of blatantly anorexic models. clothes around girls who are 2-D cook outside of microwave meals is on the rise and are unrealistic im- However if a girl is a natural size dimensional. It's easier to transfer and toast. The unhealthy modern ages in the media responsible? 4 (equivalent to American size designs from paper to model with- diet has meant an increase in obes- The pacific island of Fiji had zero), should she be stopped from out those annoying curves getting ity or other disordered eating. If been isolated from television until modelling? in the way. you don't want to be fat, but don't the 90's, after it was introduced in Why are painfully thin girls used Rates of obesity in England have know how to eat healthily and don't 1995 there was a sharp increase in in fashion advertising in the first been increasing steadily for a while, exercise, then the solution for some symptoms of eating disorders. A place? Is it a case of aspiration sell- and soon we could be giving Ameri- people is not to eat. survey of teenage girls showed that ing? You can never be too rich or too cans a run for their money. Well, If people had the knowledge of how 15%, an increase from 3% before thin. Designers focused solely on figuratively. The reason England to eat healthily and got of their ars- the arrival of television, reported the bottom line should think about has one of the highest obesity rates es and exercised then we wouldn't throwing up after meals. working with bigger sample sizes. in Europe is that it doesn't have a need a traffic light system. It's sad The survey also showed 74% of Surveys have shown that women culture of food comparable to coun- that it's actually got to the stage Galibardy girls reported feeling "too big or are more likely to buy products ad- tries like Italy and France. In part that the government needs to class Awesome pop style acryl- fat". So supposedly media does have vertised by a model who is size 12 this is the fault of feminists. food as "red" "amber" or "green" be- ic and silver jewellery. an effect on disordered eating. But rather than smaller sizes. All de- Cooking has traditionally been cause people don't know how to eat. Find Galibardy at Spital- fields market on Sun- days, opposite Elemental furnishings store. Autumn 2007 catwalk highlights

Toni Maticevski WTF? Seriously.

Dairy Why do people drink cow udder secretions? It's cancerous and gross.

Yigal Azrouël Lacoste Yigal Azrouël Erin Fetherson LAME Sasha Himiceva, biochemist

Think you can get temperatures soaring? Email us at page3.felix@ imperial.ac.uk Photo byEmerson Vigoureux

Friday 9 February 2007 felix 17

FILM fi [email protected] Dench cranks up the freak factor Is the film adaptation of Zoë Heller’s 2003 novel really worthy of the Oscar nominations it has received?

Alex Casey traits that the characters just can’t leave in the classroom: infatuation, Three years ago, UK movie produc- desire, dissatisfaction with life and tion was thrown into chaos by tax revenge. Blanchett longs to define reforms that threatened to kill the herself outside her family while industry in this country. Stalwarts Dench longs to find someone. In- like the Bond franchise were go- nocent enough it seems, but some ing to decamp to Eastern Europe children just can’t deal with not get- to save money, and the Harry Pot- ting their own way. And therein lies ter films had an uncertain future. A the game… sad time indeed for the country that Dench is one of the greats, with raised Hitchcock, amongst other an ability to lift characters that greats. seem one-dimensional to an un- But then something changed, precedented level. Without her, Mrs and as 2006 passed and 2007 set in, Henderson Presents would surely it seems that we might be back on never have been made, never mind track. The Queen is at the forefront, seen. Her character in Notes is not leading her people towards Oscar an easily likeable one, scheming to victory, but this was never going to the end and relishing in malevo- be a one woman assault. Along with lence, yet Dench lets us understand Kate Winslet, there is a third, and her desperation and so elicits the there’s plenty fight left in good ol’ slight sympathy that would have Dame Judi Dench yet, as Notes on escaped a lesser actress. a Scandal proves. Blanchett also surpasses her For those of you who haven’t seen rôle in Babel, as a conflicted teach- the preposterously thorough trail- er born into a middle-class family er, the premise is an intriguing one. during the age of teenage rebellion Dench plays a battle-axe teacher, and now trapped in the monotony narrating through her diary the of a family life that she struggles story of her developing friendship to identify with. Her foolishness is with new staff room addition, Cate not as easily accepted by the audi- Blanchett, and, as it turns out, Judi ence as the loneliness of Dench’s might be in it for more than the odd character, but once caught up in pint down the local, *nudge wink*. everything, she holds her own. Bill Blanchett could swear she felt someone looking at her Temptation of a different persua- Nighy plays Blanchett’s cuckold in sion entirely takes Blanchett how- the final piece of the acting show- ever, in the form of one of her new cased here, capturing my attention strikes a blow for the Brits in film- lection of fantastic one-liners mean know how much is going to surprise pupils, despite her husband, Bill in a way I hadn’t expected between making. It is by turns comical, bitchy my money lies here for the Best you plot-wise. The treat here is not Nighy, waiting at home. If the scan- the two fearsome female leads. and sinister, especially Dench’s Adapted Screenplay Oscar. simply the story, nor Dame Judi’s dal of the title has not yet grabbed The real star here is Patrick Mar- narration, which leads to the most The film isn’t perfect, I grant you. bath scene, but the words that tell you, rest assured that Patrick Mar- ber’s screenplay though, adapted stellar moments. The schoolyard It seems to cut itself short at the the story. ber’s script in the hands of such ca- from Zoe Heller’s novel, as it com- analogy propels the story forward end and for only 90 minutes run- This is expression as only the pable actors definitely will. pletely envelops you. This is elo- as basic adolescent emotions usurp ning time this seems a shame. Also, Brits can do – Hollywood hasn’t This is a film based on youthful quence that eludes Hollywood and reason throughout life, and its col- if you’ve seen the trailer, I don’t won yet.

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South Kensington Tube) Telephone 020 7823 8968 www.freshhairdressers.co.uk 18 felix Friday 9 February 2007

GAMES [email protected] I, Gamer This Week In Relationships Stuffed toys, chocolate, and the 2007’s first releases. It’ll all be over by Christmas

empting though it is to turn this week into a faux-love advice col- umn, we felt we couldn’t do it when the console Twar was still so depressingly gory. The latest good news is that you can now pre-order your very own Playstation3 in the UK at HMV on- line. They’ve only got 5,000 pre-or- ders available to fill at the moment, Michael Cook but they’re excited to be able to of- fer them to gamers. Games Editor The downside, of course, is that it requires you to buy a PSP along- side it, and the entire package sets aming chat-up lines. you back nearly £700. This news They must exist. was announced at the weekend just There are math- as analysts forecast price drops in ematical formulae the US because of poor sales. God that more or less knows what HMV are trying to do, Gprove their existence. But after an but we’re unsure it’s going to be all hour and a half of drafting, in be- that successful. tween bouts of getting my lesbian Thankfully, the PC market is much rejected by her clearly confused calmer, with the release of Windows co-worker on The Sims, I’ve not Vista making things calm, peaceful, come up with much better than and inducing a trance-like loving the kind of joystick innuendos mood amongst all of PC-kind. that even we wouldn’t print. Ah. Well, it did for a little while, I’m sure there’s a Zelda one anyway. The box looked nice, the somewhere, though. features looked shiny, but before It’s Valentine’s Day soon, of you know it the internet is explod- course – imminently so, in fact, ing and lawsuits are flying. and if you haven’t already planned At the time of going to press, out what you’re going to do on nVidia are still under the threat of the fourteenth (and yes, mutter- legal action after failing to provide ing swear words whilst drowning adequate support for Vista. After your sorrows at the Union does an update of their drivers failed to Love, yesterday. This was going to be a dig at geeks, until we realised he’s wearing a FireFox tee. Git count as a plan) then you’re cut- provide any for the new operating ting it a bit fine. system, several lawsuits were al- Fortunately, we’ve got every- legedly filed against them, though at keeping system security, most rating for a single game costs $2500 ing some games out. First up on the thing you could possibly need support has since been promised. games will be rendered unplayable – not something that the average recommendations list for this week to make the most of the year’s See www. nvidiaclassaction.org for on the next-generation OS. internet developer is going to be at- is the brilliant Okami for the Play- most impressive non-holiday. more information. As an example, the ESRB rat- tempting any time soon. station2 – a weird yet wonderful Looking for gifts? We’ve got Prin- But class action lawsuits are a ings protection that has been built The dust is still settling on the re- game with beautiful visuals and a cess Peach costumes and Mario small distraction compared to the into Vista was cited as another ex- lease, and problems were expected strange platforming-cum-rhythm- chocolates. Still looking for that claim that nine out of ten PC games ample of badly-implemented ‘user with a software leap of this magni- action hook. Zombie of your dreams? We look from the pre-Vista era will refuse protection’. The system, supposed tude. But with Gates’ dream of an Every Extend Extra and Bomber- into picking up chicks in World to run on Microsoft’s latest. De- to allow parents to set levels of integrated 360 and PC platform rid- man arrive on the PSP if you’re look- of Warcraft. Trying to get as far spite claims of new hardware being games that can be played on chil- ing on the success of Vista, it seems ing for a quick distraction over the away from it as possible? Well… ‘Vista Ready’ and various software dren’s accounts, hasn’t been fully that Nintendo are the only ones Love Season, or there’s the more You’re a gamer. Use your solutions having been in place for implemented across the gaming having a good week. engaging Battlestations:Midway, a imagination. months prior to beta testing, a ma- world, meaning that almost every It’s been a slow January, but it tour of the great naval and aerial For the record, however, we’re jor game publisher claimed that internet-based game is blocked by seems like publishers have real- battles of World War 2, out on XBox not entirely sure that a trip due to botched digital rights man- the technology, regardless of the ised that the New Year has begun 360 and PC. The month is looking to through Azeroth counts as third agement, and complex attempts rating level set. Obtaining ESRB and finally decided to start throw- be a good one, with Supreme Com- date material for the Electrical Engineer you met at the start of term, and we’d also like to sug- gest you exercise caution when giving kinky game-related para- phenalia to the girlfriend who’s worried you love Gears of War more than her. $13.5bn $13.5bn In fact, if we admit it, Valen- tine’s isn’t a day for per-pixel shaders and +5% rebuffs at the US Videogame US Valentine’s Day moment. But one day in the fu- ture, when everyone’s given up spending, spending, with sunshine and kittens and things like that, we’re fairly sure Jan 2006 – Jan 2007 Feb 7 – Feb 14 2006 that gaming will be the ultimate expression of love. Then who’ll be laughing, eh? In the meantime, probably best to find something to occupy your- self with. Test Drive Unlimited is doing the trick for some of us at the moment, as you can read about in our latest Endurance feature. Wait, wait, I’ve got one. “Are you up for some multiplay- er? It’s just you’ve been pushing my start button all night.” Email your results in, it’s a flawless line. Failing that, just give her the old, ‘Left Triangle Bracket Three’ line. She’ll get it eventually. <3 Your Valentine Friday 9 February 2007 felix 19

GAMES [email protected] Beta Focus – Test Drive Unlimited Adam Omar takes Atari’s latest racing effort out for a spin on the information superhighway

elcome fellow PC Gamers, to the finest driv- ing game ever. Notice I said the “finestW driving game”, and not the “finest racing game”. This is a key point, since the foremost goal of Test Drive Unlimited is amassing vast amounts of wealth and buying lots of seizure-inducingly expensive cars. Why am I reviewing the beta version, some of you might ask? Well the game was released for the Xbox 360 last year and (thankfully) Atari have allowed six months of fine tuning for the PC version. It’s as good as done with only very mi- nor bugs to wrinkle out. TDU was a revolutionary game first released for the Xbox 360 at the end of last year, and is revolution- ary in that it is a driving MMO. You have the option of playing through the game using a single player or a multiplayer profile, the main differ- ence being that in online mode, the island’s random NPC racers are re- placed by human players. An island? TDU takes place on the island of Oahu, Hawaii. The entire island and its roads have been me- ticulously recreated in game, and scaled so that 1km of in game road will take you 1 minute to traverse if you’re going at 60km/h (i.e. it will A Koenigsegg tears through the lush Hawaiian streets. Just out of shot – Top Gear presenters, experiencing multiple orgasms take you the same amount of time to drive round it in game as you would in real life, assuming you adjustable ride height and distance how a car performs and knowing agree on an ending point, and away drivers, in that the game is still run have a 600bhp car in real life). from steering wheel; and colours which car to use than knowing how you go on an impromptu race. locally from your computer, and not Graphically, it’s a lush paradise, according to each manufacturer’s to drive it well. But rest assured, After collecting enough money, from a far-away server. Your inter- with softly swaying trees and wavy actual specifications. The cars are the level of driving aid is adjustable, you can either buy another house net connection will hardly affect grass and a blinding sun, all bathed indeed beautiful things, that island and these beautiful machines can (when your current one runs out of the game. It’s you and other online in a warm coating of HDR lighting. paradise I talked about above sim- be as easy or as hard to drive as you garage space), buy a car, or upgrade players ‘populating’ the game. It feels wonderful, coming in from ply pales in comparison to which- like. or repaint an existing car. This is PC users need not be turned off the cold to be greeted with TDU’s ever car you’re driving. Obviously, getting your hands done by driving to the appropriate by the prospect of playing this on sunbathed highways. A key aspect about TDU that’s dif- on these Things Of Never-ending building somewhere on the island. a keyboard instead of a gamepad. But of course, the real stars of the ferent from other racing or driving Beauty™ will take some effort. Your The car and bike dealerships are The controls are simple and effec- game are the cars! TDU boasts over games is that much more emphasis chosen character arrives in Oahu spread out and the tuner shops tive; with a full range of options a hundred cars and motorcycles, is placed on how the car feels, rath- with nothing but enough cash for a are hidden until you drive by them. should you need to alter your steer- coming in the exotic wallet-nuking er than how it performs. Each car house and a car. You begin by buy- Since this island is huge (1000 miles ing or something else. variety (Lamborghinis, Ferraris, feels different, and takes getting ing those, and then proceed to go of road), you can teleport to any lo- As of this beta, the only existing McLarens, Astons), the affordable used to. This is a rather abstract out and look for work. cation you’ve been to before. bugs that I’ve encountered are er- but likeable (Audis, Nissans, Lo- thing, and is best experienced first Work comes in the form of races, This compulsive circle of race, rors in the race positions counter tuses) and the obscure wonders hand. It plays an important part in time challenges, speed challenges, buy, race some more should be (quite rare) and graphical glitches (Koenigsegg, Ascari, Spyker). the game, helping you choose cars, and delivery missions. The latter enough to keep all but the hardened when starting the game. Both bugs Each car is exquisitely detailed. and win races. gives the most cash, but takes the car-hater stuck to the game for have been reported and will most Each grill, each intake, each brake A Ferrari requires your full un- longest to complete. You can also some time. As I’ve said, the point likely be fixed come release day. pad has been lovingly modelled. divided attention and precise ma- participate in official or player cre- of the game isn’t the racing, it’s the This is undoubtedly one of the The interior of each car has been noeuvring, for example, while a ated online challenges against oth- ownership and driving of nice cars. best car games the PC has ever given the same tender care. Seats Lamborghini feels rock solid but er people. Interestingly, the game’s perform- seen. If you’ll excuse me now, I’ve so well made you feel comfortable not as nimble. These are the sort Or you could simply drive up to ance is not affected by you playing got to go and stare perversely at just by looking at them; proper tex- of things you can ‘feel’ in each car. another player and flick your head- online. The whole game is, in a way, more beautiful, shiny, luxurious, tures for leather, wood, and plastic; Races are won more by knowing lights. If he/she accepts, you then offline except for the other human powerful, fast, cars. 20 felix Friday 9 February 2007

GAMES [email protected] Hey, will j00 b3 my V4l3nt1n3? My darling reader; Roses are red, violets are blue, all of my base, are belong to you. Make your love

Nick Virago

amers need love too. No matter what any- one else says, the signs are all there – the sec- ond unused port on a GSNES. That co-op mode that never gets played. The extra saddle on your steed? We can see it, we know it’s a cry for help. But then there are the gamers who’ve already found love. They’ve got their party formed and locked, they’ve found their henchman, Player 2 has entered the game. And so on, and other slightly strange metaphors. Whether it’s Lara Croft or the girl who’s always late to Monday afternoon lectures, everyone needs some love on Valentine’s day. So here’s our complete guide to a perfect day of love. If you’re in the mood for something more virtual, we’ve got that covered, too, with a tour of World of Warcraft’s most romantic locations, just over the page. But for now, it’s time for gaming to show it’s pinker side, as Felix Games delves into the murk and brings you the lovey-dovey cen- tre hiding behind the geek facade. We’re all traditional romantics at heart, really. See? It’s not all guns and women in ridiculous clothing and stereotypes. We can be romantic, too, you shits

s everyone knows, the basics for Valentine’s boxes, some with sound effects that our Flickr (http://flickr.com/pho- Princess Peach from the tyrrany tacky soft-porn world. day are simple – choco- play when you tap them, some with tos/felixgames), and do with as you of a giant turtle. If you can’t see the First off, how about a dating simu- late, a card, and some- hallucinatory drugs hidden in small wish. Pure romantic genius, you’re metaphors in that, then there’s no lator? Sure, there are a lot on that thing romantic. Since compartments. All cute enough to well on your way to getting some hope for you. It’s a timeless love website you ‘accidentally’ stumbled Athe average gamer has spent all give to your special someone. co-op action. story wrapped up in a narrative across whilst ‘researching’ about too much free time collecting coins, Then there’s the card. Naturally, Now you’ve got the giveables, that mainly involves Freudian pipe- ‘Japanese culture’, but this is 2007 hostages and small fruits, we’re you could make your own. But let’s it’s time to take the romantics up sliding and eating mushrooms. now, and it’s fine with everyone sure that a little searching should face it, you probably don’t have the a notch. We all know about looking With that in mind, you’ll want to if you want to delve into some ob- be no trouble for you. time, and your colouring skills sort smart, washing the hair and what- take a look at sites such as PinUp- scure Eastern niche genre. First you’ll want some kind of sick- of hit a peak in Year 4. The next best ever, but what really impresses peo- Girl in order to look the part when Our pick has to be the soon-to- ly sweet-based gift. Heart-shaped bet’s a Hallmark job, but... well... ple on a day about love is dressing you give your gifts to love interest be-released LOVE x2 KISS, for the chocolates are boring, what girls re- it’s a little impersonal, and it just up as characters from Mario Bros. come the big day. Moustache op- PSP, which will take you and your ally want is for you to show just how doesn’t say ‘leet’ enough. Right? Essentially, it’s the Pride and tional for the Princess Peach outfit, completely fictional girlfriend on a seasoned a gamer you are, so head Right. Prejudice of our day. Mario – a of course, but you might like to add holiday to the States, where you’ll on over to StrapYa! and you’ll find Felix has this one sorted for you, down-and-out plumber with a dys- it in anyway to really mix things up. have to make a series of decisions a delightful set of Mario figurines, however, as we pioneer the Videog- functional brother and edible Alright, you look the part and your correctly in order to please the lady some with chocolate inside mystery ame Valentine’s Card. Grab it from friends – seeks to save the pure inventory is full to bursting with fire of your dreams. It’s just like being flowers. Time to get some events in a real relationship! Except with organised. Here’s the tricky bit – in- the game, you can remember which stinct tells you to try dinner, long answers were wrong for next time. walks and possibly some kind of Don’t get us wrong, we’ve got cultural event. Sure, instinct served touch-screen Hentai games for you well on de_dust last Thursday the DS and a quite frankly bizarre evening, but instinct when it comes maid-management simulator for to love is just no use at all. the mobile. But we understand if Two words – multiplayer gaming. you feel a bit too sordid. It’s essentially a one-way ticket Because at the end of the day, the to the High Score screen. Open up only decent way to escape the ter- with a heartfelt rendition of “To- ror of Valentine’s day is to escape to night I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight” a happier place, and there’s no hap- on Guitar Hero, just to get every- pier than the country that spawned one in the mood, before settling a mushroom-eating Italian who down to get a good few hours in only sees in primary colours. on Final Fantasy IX co-op, maybe The Orient holds a many kitsch finishing up with a whirlwind tour delights, if you know where to of Azeroth (see, “You’re My World look. Cosplay cafés and hotels with (Of Warcraft)” for the quick guide) Maids dressed up as the most mi- before proclaiming your love to the nor of minor characters from every mounrful OST of Ico. anime and mecha-game under the If that doesn’t get you a well- Rising Sun, or just a simple Love earned boss battle in the bedroom, Hotel that’s been souped up with then you’ve obviously not followed rentable Playstation3s. our advice closely enough. Whatever approach you take this Of course, not everyone’s lucky February, just remember that it’s enough to have an extra controller not just about chocolate and roses. this Valentine’s, so if you’re stuck So if it comes to the evening of Val- with just the AI (we’re not sure entine’s Day, and after it’s all over where this metaphor’s gone now you find that it’s not working out be- – is that pornography? I don’t know tween you and that girl that seemed who I am.) then that’s okay too so perfect not that long ago, remem- – there’s always a way out. ber that you knew Tomb Raider Naturally, it’ll be easier if you’re was going to go downhill when you It’s not that we’re against fun trinkets. It’s just the ‘sweets’ inside look a lot like smuggled ecstasy tablets based in Japan, the centre of the bought Legends. Serves you right. Friday 9 February 2007 felix 21

GAMES [email protected] Gal, you’re my world (of Warcraft) Everyone’s favourite green casanova Nogdush Vregdush provides tips to get the orc of your dreams

place. But Nogdush know that many lady like nature, and elfing not only people that know what a flower is. Nogdush eat many flowers, and like them too. Some lady like looking at flower and tree, though, so try not to eat them all – Nogdush made that mistake already! Eating man- grove tree not same as night at res- taurant for first date. Apparently. Anyway, wetland good in evening, with moony-moon out and no-one around to see Nogdush show his axe. Next place please. Darnassus. Hmm. Nogdush not really like the pointy-eared, tree- shooting catfacts, but he guess Night Elves doing something right because everygirl says Darnassus Lean, green, and HULK SMASH is pretty place. Nogdush not like it. Too much water. And where are spikes and red dust? Nogdush like ogdush know what you spikes. It remind him of home, and thinking. You thinking, childhood. “I look no hott like Darnassus okay for loving place. It Nogdush, how I get a bit like shopping centre – strange nighty-fun-times like plants and silly water features, but NogdushN do many moontimes?” good place to pick up chicks if you Well, it like Papa Vregdush always not like Nogdush and not have Or- say, “Vrasubatburuk ug butharu- cish charm. It hard to get to, but batgruiuk.” Papa Vregdush quite no-one ever there and that mean the joker. plenty of places to sit and spit at But serious now, meatsacks. If fireflies. you want baby-making and you no No-one really like elfing. Darnas- gots club to get lover with, then sus just tourist place. Better place there only one way to get in the to go is Deeprun Tram. Okay, lots of lovesheets – treat a lady nicetimes. meatsack get in the way of orc-love. Go to these place and do right But train ride is fun, and you catch thing, and lady will like you. Take rats for special lady! Everyone love Nodgush word. special rats. Nogdush called Love First Nogdush take you to Out- Rat all the time. land. Outland not the nice place you Deeprun sometimes make could go, but at least it not all clean Nogdush sweaty, so Nogdush nor- like those stone meatsack castles. mally go out to forest for meaty Outland sandy, with rocks, like food and air. One time Nogdush Mama Vregdush make her soup. came to Mulgore. Mulgore okay but Nogdush not sure why planet too much blue sky. But this time floats in bits like that, or why peo- Nogdush see many tiny people with ple still like go there, but one thing banners! Darkmoon Faire came, She look lonely, lost in wilderness, needing love-love, eh? That mean it problably okay to club her now Nogdush does sure of is what and Nogdush went for much free makes the ladies love Nogdush, and drink. Outland skies are full of pretty stars Nogdush also see many ladies Some meatsacks like Steamwhee- Nogdush not really notice, as he too love in Azeroth, but practice make and big planets that make Nogdush here. Ladies come for prizes and dle Port, Nogdush think, because of busy building snow-orcs, and mak- perfect. Always remember how feel sick. buying things that kill, but also water and sand. Maybe ladies like ing ladies laugh at his sexy jokes. Nogdush works, and never forget Maybe ladies like feel sick? some like Nogdush, so he take also? Nogdush never go there. But Some people up there not so nice, famous line, “Amal shufar, at rrug”. Nogdush not know, it not matter, them around the Faire and show Nogdush guess it might look nice if but Nogdush usually throw them It very beautiful, but not work on just take lady on nice walk under them good time. you had less hair than Nogdush. off mountain or at rock. Ladies not most lady. stars and then leave sandy place Everyone love the Faire. Nogdush Nogdush prefer hair. Nogdush like that so much, but he know that Nogdush off to get ready for date for better world with more eatable got fortune read and got told about prefer snow, too, so Nogdush nev- there is the right orc out there for with himself now. It lonely being things. eating beef. Nogdush never forget. er go to Steamwheedle – he go to him who understand him better. beautiful. Wetlands might seem like smelly Nogdush not like sand at beach. Alterac instead. Not nice people Nogdush just want peace, quiet and swamp place full of mud and bugs, Red sand okay. Sand and water get up there – tiny crazy, with lots of things to axe. Translated with help from and that because it is smelly swamp in nasty places not made for sand. talking about shadows and slaves. Nogdush do his best to teach you Michael Cook, Ronin and Aos 22 felix Friday 9 February 2007

PUZZLES [email protected] Transmogdefier fusion puzzle time So... have we ground you into the ground yet with our assault on your logic? Or do you want more! MORE! Sudoku mania! Kakuro – round 5 Look 1 4 9 1 5 7

6 2 9 3 The numbers indicate the sum of the dig- its in the row or column indicated. For example, the square with 7 and 11 in it 7 5 means “the numbers you write in the row below must add up to 7, and the numbers in the row across must add up to 11”. You 2 9 6 5 8 1 may use each number only once within a row of cells (called a ‘run’), like sudoku. 5 9 Any spare cells are available for research into prevention of testicular tortion. 8 9 6 7 4 6 3 6 2 3 oc All the way! Touch 1 2 4 9 9 2 8 3 5 6 Hexadoku IV – The Bitch of Holborn 3 9 6 1 3 4 8 4 6 1 5 9 6 3 5 7 4 3 1 5

7 3 2 2 7 4 3 5 4 8 7 8 2 9 8 1 4 6 9 5 2 8 7 2 5 8 6 3 9 5 Friday 9 February 2007 felix 23

PUZZLES [email protected] Sudoku 1,372 This Week’s Philanthropes

Complete the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov) Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar) Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul) square contains the digits 1 to 9. E-mail your solution to sudoku. [email protected] by Tuesday 9am. We will randomly select Yeah, you see that Toilet paper, fabric After realising you a winner to receive either a 128MB USB stick or a crate of beer. guy over there? No, softener, orange juice, are not Gemini, but in You must claim your prize within a week. not the guy with the cereal, sliced ham, fact, Cancer, you are Mastadon T-shirt, the baby wipes... just perturbed by the last other guy. D’you know some of the items on horoscope. You e-mail what he’s thinking your parent’s shop- Felix only to get a 1 7 4 about? Yeah, he’s thinking about ping list in the next month. Yeah, I response saying, “Fuck you, I’m touching you. No, not there, just know what you’re thinking: “How the boss!” You think nothing of this, next to your... yeah, you got it. I did he do that?” Well, I just use my and forget about the incident. We 7 9 6 3 hope you like creamy pastries. penis as a divining rod. fucking wish, leave us alone!!! Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec) Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr) Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug) 4 8 9 I was once allowed And the Lord descend- I would do anything to touch a small ed and He spoke to for love, I’d run right 4 5 9 6 child, but only in an the thronging masses, into hell and back. emergency. I was sat and He said, “Ooooh BUM BUM. I would do outside that creche for eeeeh blimey I tell anything for love, I’ll 1 7 12 days until I saw that thee, it ain’t half borin’ never lie to you and little bastard choking. And that, my in ‘eaven like. Full of poncey goody that’s a fact. BUM BUM. And I will friend is the story of how I got my know-it-alls. Here, have some rain- do anything for love but I won’t do 7 2 9 3 first tattoo. This week, you will find ing sulphur! Oh crap, I mean sugar. ass-to-mouth. BUM BUM. Okay, love. My bad!” – God: Outtakes 21:2-3 maybe just once. 6 9 3 Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan) Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May) Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept) This week you will Girls Aloud will be No, because like, you 4 9 1 6 come into some appearing in your know you better watch money. This habit is lounge tonight! Well, your back because it’s disgusting and unhy- maybe. I mean, well, a dog-eat-dog world, 5 2 9 gienic for those who it could happen, but and, my friend, you’re will have to handle chances are, it won’t. a three-legged blind your banknotes. So, you better Here, have this novelty mug! Look, puppy with excema. So, buy a rape Solution to 1,371 Jotting pad shape up, ‘cause I need a man, and when you put hot water in it, her alarm and a fucking huge gun that my heart is set on you. You’re the bra comes off! Erm, you will not goes POW BOOOM. This week 1 2 4 7 5 3 6 8 9 one that I want ooh ooh ooh. have sex for at least 0.005 seconds. Mars is in Uranus. HAHAHAHA! 3 7 8 9 6 4 2 5 1 5 9 6 8 1 2 3 4 7 Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb) Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun) Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22) 6 3 9 5 2 7 8 1 4 8 1 2 3 4 9 7 6 5 “No Way!” “Oh No He You go back home this It’s the age-old ques- Didn’t!” “You better weekend and your tion: Are you a breast 7 4 5 6 8 1 9 2 3 recognise!” “You’re in mum tells you to go or a arse kind of 4 8 3 1 7 6 5 9 2 for a reality check!” through your stuff in guy? But, what is the 2 6 7 4 9 5 1 3 8 These are just some the attic. After you ladies’ version of this? 9 5 1 2 3 8 4 7 6 of the phrases you descend, you find that Are you a bum or cock will find in my new book, Insults in apes have taken over the world and type of girl? This is easy as penises The winners this week are Dominic Ghetto N’am sayin’, Edition 3 by you are forced to construct a house are very ugly to look at. This is why Bradley and Ellen James who we Cecil Custard-Smythe available in out of pate de foie gras. Happy patriarchy existed for so long: the must assume are Siamese twins. hardback and humpback whale. birthday Smithers for Monday! ladies just had no choice.

Felix Crossword 1,372 Stedman

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ACROSS DOWN Firstly, apologies for last week’s 1 Previously, his bite lost its ends 1 Provide with property he once crossword. Even for a first at- when on show (7) owned (5) tempt that came out worse than 5 Divorce thanks to new League of 2 Work for Mrs. Palm? (4, 3) I’d hoped. However, it did result in 9 10 Nations’ problem (7) 3 Ambled into chaos (6) one of the highest responses ever, 9 Ate then died, but found point (5) 4 His last day was longer than and special thanks to those who 10 Rimmer is on course for expected. (5,3) went so far as to suggest a clue for baptism, but loses head and 5 The ultimate in England, but the one I’d missed out. Really, I 11 switches (9) mostly in London (6) appreciated it even though you got 11 This cock will be removed (9) 6 Menorahs recycled for cavalry (8) the word wrong. 12 12 Straight off at right angles (6) 7 The limb protected with only a Moving onto this week, I hope 14 Regresses in food web, but only metal ring? (7) that it comes out as something a 13 12 14 slowly (3) 8 Dutiful American title in Commons bit harder this time round. In hon- 15 Molesting a circle of devices? (9) (8) our of international ‘That’s What 15 15 16 17 18 Glass loses slow start state (3) 13 Raised surface pains ears (4,5) She Said Day’ next week, some 22 Race to source of volcano (6) 16 African Research Institute makes of the clues have a mild innuendo 18 19 14 20 24 Anti-Darwinsists apparently quick weapon search (3,5) theme. Others are just blantatly reproduce (9) 17 Came to Islam and once again vulgar and rude. Try not to be 21 22 23 26 Masturbate to get into first turned green (8) offended. place (4, 3, 2) 19 Give money for confused porn Stedman 24 25 27 Produce large numbers of game emergency (7) pieces (5) 20 Part of London Spring Festival (7) Solution to Crossword 1,371 28 She feels queasy with flesher (7) 21 & 25 Flat boats looked after by A C C L A I M S C O M P A R E 29 He wishes to remove their Spooner and two fools (4, 2, 5) S C H U B E O T R C A O D I N 26 27 fathers? (7) 23 Guy overtakes mate, but fails to S N A K E B I T E C G L A D attend (6) Y E M G U E S G P R I O I F E R I P C B A T H E E C O B R A I A A A U I E I E D C O R A R 28 29 A N G R Y E N Y S T A G M U S K R N I T S E I A T R S O E R E Y E S H A D O W O P R O O F Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page G A M E U C S H B E L N U R down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Tuesday 9am. O F F E R N S H O O T A S E A Each week, we’ll choose a winner and print their name, thus providing T T E A O S L E R S O B H C U them with almost unlimited kudos and self-satisfaction. The winner this I L L U U A U P S E T T I N G time is Catherine Bufton. Everyone who provides us with a correct solu- S I I S N I M K E R U A N O H tion will get an entry into our prize draw at the end of the year. M I X E D U P S S U B J E C T at the union feb 9th - feb 16th WEDNESDAY 14TH FRIDAY 9TH

Carlsberg, Tetley’s & Blackthorn only £1.30 a pint! Reef Bottles alue Night only £1.75 (all flavours) t The Bestin London V

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Play an instrument Want to be in a band? The Jazz and Rock Society is here for you. We have a fully equipped practise room, host regular jam and gig nights where you can showcase your musical muscle www.jazzandrock.co.uk EVERY TUE IN FEBRUARY FRIDAY 16TH

After Party

ALSO ON Fri 9th Jazz & Rock Band Showcase Tue 13th Telegraph Pub Quiz & Jazz & Rock in dB’s Wed 14th Fight Club - Knight Rider Valentine’s Party Thu 15th Jazz Big Band Fri 16th ArtsFest 2007 After Party CHANCE TO WIN £5000

imperialcollegeunion.org/ents Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. Friday 9 February 2007 felix 25 Clubs&Societies

Imperial Gliding Club winter tour On a wing, a prayer and a diet of haggis and deep-fried Mars bars, icGC enjoys ridge soaring and waves

Andrew Cockerell breaking a few weeks beforehand, a Gold Height, and our resident of the hill, often less than a wing- The other advantage of winter our CFI kindly agreed to part with “mountain goat” getting to 14500’. span away from the side of the hill. tours at Portmoak is its proxim- Every winter, Imperial College Glid- their DG1000 for a week. So 12 of us, Even the DG went to 10000’ numer- Those who could fly the single-seat- ity to various towns. This came as ing Club (icGC) has a tour to a ridge including four instructors, arrived ous times (and a record 11.7knt ers were able to hone their soaring a relief last year, but I can’t say it site in the UK, so that our members complete with our two single-seat- average climb). Our captain, how- skills on the ridge, or escape off and was needed it this time. We did nev- can experience the soaring we don’t ers (a Discus and an ASW-24) and ever, was only able to manage 2800’, try to explore the wave; most days ertheless have evening outings in get at our home club, Lasham. The the DG1000. Now all we needed was though he was shown the error of there was something to be found. both Perth and Edinburgh. time of year does, however, mean the weather to be on our side. his ways later in the day. By staying on-site, not only did The only downside to the tour the length of flying that occurs can Well, to be fair, we can’t complain. Every day the ridge was working we have direct access to Irene were our Hogmanay celebrations. be very varied. We got 6 days, and the only thing like a train. As a result, even the and Steve’s wonderful food, it also Originally we planned to go to the Learning our lessons from last that stopped us on the other day most inexperienced in our party meant we could fall out of bed and Street Party in the capital, but by year, we decided to venture north was that great excuse “it was too got to experience ridge soaring start rigging before it was even the time we had been diverted to Portmoak again over New Year, windy to rig”. I’d have settled with (and the occasional running silli- properly light (though this was too round to Kincardine (the Forth but this time for 7 days, in the hope that, however the weather was bet- ness), as well as continuing their early for some). It’s a nice feeling Bridge was shut due to high winds) that we could do better than the 2 ter than that – there was wave to be training. Ridge soaring for the first sitting down to breakfast knowing all the celebrations were cancelled, out of 4 days flying we got. Despite had. We had one classic wave day, time is like nothing else, weaving that you’re ready for a good day’s not to mention numerous trees the trailer for our own two-seater which resulted in a Silver Height, in and out, following the contours soaring. down, wheelie-bins and even a trampoline on the roads as a result of the 90mph winds. So New Year’s was spent sat round a TV in one of the member’s houses. In a way it was a relief, as everyone was so tired from the pre- vious days’ flying that an early night was just what we needed. We did re- turn to Edinburgh later in the week though, for the traditional Scottish meal of haggis, neaps and tatties, followed by a deep-fried Mars bar (and a pub crawl). The other evenings we stayed at the gliding club, where you’re guar- anteed a friendly atmosphere, with everyone sharing experiences of the day’s flying and the occasional strange conversation. It’s one of the few places I’ve flown where the locals make you feel so welcome (must be the Scottish hospitality). So many years in the past we come back without actually flying at all. Thus the fact that everyone managed at least 3 hours flying is all the more impressive. Having had an exceptionally successful winter tour, what does hit you is just how far away the summer soaring season is. Oh well, there’s always IC Gliding Club preparing to take to the sky over Portmoak in Scotland uni in the meantime. 26 felix Friday 9 February 2007

SPORT [email protected] A close encounter of the footy kind

were awarded an indirect free kick in our area when Henrik allegedly Men’s Football held onto the ball for longer than KCL Medics 5ths 4 6 seconds. Kings’ placed attempt IC Men’s 6th 6 crept into the bottom corner and it was not long before they eventually levelled it when their striker was Nam Nguyen played in again to somehow dink in a third. The improvised team was led on The comical Medic comeback to the field by captain Mooknellay, was complete as our composure who maintains a bizarre attraction took a combustible form. However to women of the ‘terminally preg- I must now prohibit the progres- nant’ variety, although let us not un- sive prostitution of this particular derestimate the effects of gravity! portion of prose since it is prone to Like a drug fuelled rave, the game provoke proclamations that my pro- kicked off in the usual frenetic fash- verbial prop and much prophesised ion and despite the lack of artificial procurement of promiscuous ladies drugs, the referee was certainly a are mere propaganda. dope worth shooting. A half time score line reminiscent With King’s taking advantage of the FA Cup final meant eve- of our ‘settling period’, we relied rything was still to play for. How- on the defensive efforts of Henrik, ever, given the depth of tactical Peter, Cody, Rob and Sang to deny knowledge within the team, such a them any leverage. A cross from half-time outcome had been proph- the left served as the catalyst for esised only days earlier, allowing us our equilibrium when a penalty was to employ the strategy often used awarded for an alleged hand-ball. by cannibal’s, whereby male vic- The spot-kick was nonchalantly tims are shown porn in the hope of Oh look, a sports team huddled around a table consuming beverages, how quaint converted by top Bola Bola seed enticing additional sustenance. The Hamish, whose thirst for booze is bait was set, and while Kings of- so intense, theories of how he used fered little in the way of ‘additional stiffness is directly related to load, net much to our relief. developed symptoms when Dam- to spike his mother’s shoulder boul- sustenance’, the approach played once again calmly converted. Kings With 15 minutes to go, we even- ien pulled away from the last man ders during breast feeding are now out to perfection. predictably pulled another goal out tually finished the game off when and chipped the keeper who made being realised. Several opportunities were carved the hat when a near post cross was Damien broke down the left side of every effort to play the man and We subsequently took command out along with potential penalties flicked into the back of the net. midfield to carry the ball down the was subsequently sent-off. Several of the match, with James Platt ap- for blatant hand balls. Such was the The referee, whose logic would line before cutting inside to deliver further yellows were awarded to plying a neat finish to double our consistency of penalty claims that it persuade him to kill for a Nobel a devastating finish. the opposition for their petulance lead. Moments later, the ball was was clear the medical practice for Peace Prize and whose grumpiness The Mook had the opportunity to before the final whistle. effortlessly worked down the right testicular cancer awareness was voiced many a lonely night play- complete the hat-trick when he too The ten goal thriller did much to allowing me to play a neat ball into merely to disguise their fondness ing peek-a-boo with the one-eyed broke free down the left leaving him bolster our waning confidence and Damien to shoot straight at the for fondling balls in the box. And it monster started to get agitated as one-on-one with the keeper. Unfor- provide an opportunity for me to Kings No.1. Fortunately the keeper was not long after the restart that Frampton was shown the yellow for tunately he placed his shot almost dedicate this report to Mooknellay, developed an instantaneous bout the ball was scrambled into the air some wholly deserved back chat. as wide as some of his most recent thus ensuring my complete exile of H5N1 as he flapped wildly at ball before falling to the head of Chris We once again took the lead via conquests, who along with being from 6th team football, and rank but to no avail. Killin to nod towards a scarcely a free kick, lofted deftly into the capable of whistling bass, bring a No.2 in his hit list, behind Jamie 3-0 up in the opening 25 minutes defended net, only for a deliberate box by James from the right hand whole new meaning to the ‘Miss Oliver. came as both a blessing and a curse hand ball to deny us the lead. corner of the box. Kings’ offside World’ competition. As if student humour is limited as complacency began to creep in. Inevitably a penalty was awarded ploy backfired when several of our Kings eventually began to tire, to crude innuendo and shallow The medics put up a fight by slotting with their player narrowly escaping player came charging into the box with their breathing becoming so prejudiced views based on ap- home a goal when their lone striker a red. Mooknellay, whose penchant without a Kings player in sight. The heavy, even Hamish was getting pearance. Shame on you! Besides, was cleanly played in. Kings were for sea mammals can only be de- ball ultimately came off Tim and aroused. Their demoralised and match reports aren’t meant to be allowed further reprieve when they scribed by Hooke’s Law, whereby crept into the bottom corner of the out-classed disposition gradually entertaining! IC Women’s Rugby are great in the scrum

was followed shortly by a second try from the home side making the Women’s Rugby score 10-12 to Royal Holloway. At Royal Halloway 12 some point during the match, Rox- ICUWRFC 15 anne expressed her feelings quite openly to their coach, who was shouting very loudly from the side- Samantha Pemberton lines and leading to a lot of confu- sion as to what the ref was or wasn’t This week saw us driving to Egham saying! Thankfully, he calmed down to compete in our penultimate ULU a bit following this outburst from a league game of the season. Our rather red-faced Roxanne. opposition: Royal Holloway, who Eight minutes towards the end of turned out to be quite a large side the game, the Virgins were fight- and clearly unfit shown by their ing back excellently, which led to a request for 30 minute halves! The virgin try from outside centre Zoë. match was played with uncontest- Score: 15-12 with 5 minutes left to ed scrums, after our lack of expe- go. rienced props following injuries 2 Then followed a nerve-racking 5 weeks previously in a clash against minutes where the Virgins managed the Royal Vets. to hold the home team away from The game got off to a good start our line in a strong contest for the with a kick from Roxanne and the match. Thankfully, the whistle blew first try being scored in relatively for full-time allowing ICUWRFC to quick succession by Jess, who Oh look, a sports team huddled around a table consuming beverages, how novel relax and enjoy the hard-won vic- broke free and ran the pitch to score tory, before heading off to the pub in the corner of the try area. Score: to celebrate and enjoy the free-food 5-0 to us. The kick back to us went over her own feet. Happily, the half posts when there is no-one prevent- Unfortunately, Royal Holloway laid on by Royal Holloway. far down the pitch meaning full- finished 10-nil up, after a brilliant ing you from doing so! The second were obviously looking to even the back Jess had to run to collect it. At off-load from Olga, allowing Louisa half started off with a very clean score and fought back hard, man- this point she managed to kick and to run free and score, although next catch by Helen, allowing us to run aging to score and then convert a fumble with the ball, before falling time Louisa please score under the back at them with some force. try taking the score up to 10-7. This Friday 9 February 2007 felix 27

SPORT [email protected] RSM Hockey tour of Holland

Ben Gates

Friday, January the 19th saw the RSM mixed hockey assembled at Stanstead airport as ready as they ever would be for their tour to Hol- land. It would prove to be one hell of a trip! With hockey high on the list of sports played by the Dutch(second only to football), we were under no illusions that the game would be an easy one. Under the watchful eyes of Sam and Sammy we found our way to the hostel and the following day to the playing grounds known as the Liedseplene. We had all made our own preparations and run through set pieces including the bubble gum and haze moves ready to face The Bulldogs. It was a shaky start for Steve and Kate, being new to the sport; But they found their legs quickly while the old hands Mikey and Charlotte drove forwards and set the pace. We were unlucky not to score early on considering the territory we had over the opposition. Ben started to regret that ridiculously over-sized Burger King the night before – but only briefly judging by 8 people standing, 1 person flying? 8 people flying, 1 person standing? I just can’t understand the orientation of that photo on the right the equally large meal consumed post match. Unfortunately after the initial break up the right wing leaving the relatively high spirits. As we all took in by gravity. Once again Charlotte score again. Still, when the final forward drive, the Dutch picked up ground behind him smoking; RSM on water during the break, Ben and made a push forward, setting the whistle went we were the victors; 3 their game in a way that suggested were back in the opposition’s half. Elly decided that in the absence of standard with a long sprint, the type points to 1. some sort of stimulating drugs. After much vocal activity from for- orange wedges, which Susie bluntly which makes you feel like you’re go- Achieving this result in a foreign Just 15 mins in, a goal was slipped wards Katie and Elly, the ball was in described as “f***ing disgraceful”, ing to vomit. A quick one-two with country where the RSM is almost despite Kieran’s best efforts in goal scoring territory and with some of bananas were clearly the way to Katie resulted in our third goal and unknown means we will be proud and Ally’s impressive determina- the best support seen all weekend, motor forward. Ally kindly fetched the tired Char- for years to come. tion in defence. Mikey was able to roll a beautiful As the second half began the girls lotte some water. The only appropriate way to cel- This set back caused a few of the one in at the back post. found a seemingly magical hole in The Dutch team were obviously ebrate the victory was, of course, RSM to let their chins drop at first The rest of the half saw some the defence and tunnel vision en- starting to lose faith in themselves in the “traditional” RSM manner- but Alice made the call to look back good play from everyone but no sued. This focus resulted in Pete with silly mistakes becoming com- getting wasted and “drinking” lots up and restart the drive. It was a dif- more joy was seen. Going in at half getting a screamer in the top cor- mon unfortunately RSM’s lack of of “coffee”... or something like that ficult few minutes but Tim made a time drawing one all, we were in ner as if that white ball was drawn fitness meant we were unable to anyway. RSM Hockey in cup semi-final for the first time

in from a short, and Sam ‘thieving Men’s Hockey bastard’ Lloyd latched onto a shot Barts London 2nd XI 1 from TFC to square things up. A few frantic minutes in our own D RSM 1st XI 4 kept the game alive as the whistle blew for full time, and the support- RSM 1st XI 2 ers nearly wet themselves with ex- St.George’s 2nd XI 2 citement at the prospect of a pen- (5 - 4 after penalties) alty shoot-out. Captain’s first choice was Mikey (who, given his previous record for Beyoncé Cup flicks, probably wasn’t such a good idea), followed by Tom, Pete, RSM have progressed to the semi- Sam, and The Great Man Himself. final stage of the ULU Men’s Re- Mikey duly lived up to his reputation serve Cup for the first time in bloody by putting his shot so wide it nearly ages, thanks to two stunning victo- reached the sideline. Ade in goal did ries against those unpleasant viral us proud with some fine saves, but outbreaks known as ‘medics’. Fol- after five each the scores were tied lowing our league success against at two apiece. The tension mounted Barts 3rds the same week, the gen- as the shoot-out entered the sud- tlemen’s club that is RSM Hockey den death stage. Mikey fluffed his went into the first round full of con- second attempt but sent the keeper fidence (and port). The addition of the wrong way and got it on target; Richie D to the side meant the mid- Hurrah for team photographs! Good ol’ dependable hockey teams. You can write in again the crowd went wild as it trickled field resembled that of a World XI, over the line. Tom and Pete had no with star players from across the such trouble and Grobbelaar-like country coming together in an orgy ner after corner, and when Mikey defence, well-oiled midfield and ag- the night before meant that RSM distraction tactics by Ade ensured of hockey brilliance. flicked the ball over a stranded gressive attack; Tim fired a free hit defence lacked its usual finesse, that the opposition Captain cracked Barts 2nds could only stand and keeper the Miners began to sense in for Leon to deflect through the and Tom seemed to play the first under the pressure. Hail Victory watch in awe as silky interchanging that victory would surely be theirs. keeper’s legs, and Mikey put Barts’ half for the wrong team. and look forward to more enticing play, ‘sixth sense’ movement off the However, to Barts’ credit they man- Cup hopes to death with a fourth. Man of the Match, Jackson, held Cup action on February 18th! ball and Ben’s charging runs down aged to earn a shortie of their own, Cue post-match celebrations, more things together, and we were fortu- Special thanks to new guys Adam the left wing tore their defence to and (mostly out of compassion) we port, streaking, and a few tears nate to concede just two soft first- and Steve, Ben and Tom for making pieces, and 28 microseconds into conceded. This was to be Kiran’s from the Barts captain. half goals. A half-time half-bottle of the effort, Pikey for playing with a the game Leon scored off a perfect- only lapse in a come-back perform- Another week, another round, port sorted Tom out a treat, and a broken wrist, Pikey for not playing ly-executed short corner routine. ance that Wilko himself would have and RSM found themselves up rousing (arousing?) team talk from with a broken ankle, Pete for travel- More was to come as consistent and been proud of. The second half saw against an in-form George’s side - El Capitan put the fire back into ling down especially, etc., etc., you unrelenting pressure lead to cor- more great work from a dynamic unfortunately, a little too much fun the side. Timmaay slotted the first know who you all are. CROSSWORD SUDOKU Sport pages 22 & 23 Clay pigeons duck for cover Sports results Badminton: Men’s 2nd 6 University of Reading 1st 2

Women’s 1st 6 Reading 1st 2

Fencing: Women’s 1st 129 University of Kent 1st 106

Football: Mens’s 1st 3 Queen Mary 1st 1

Men’s 2nd 2 Buck’shire Chilterns 2nd 1

Men’s 3rd 1 Imperial Medicals 2nd 0

Men’s 4th 2 King’s 3rd 2

Men’s 5th 0 Royal Vets 1st 2

Hockey: I’m confused, where is the car? Men’s 1st 17 King’s 1st 0

Men’s 3rd 1 University of Kent 3rd 1

Men’s 4th 1 If you are wondering how to get your picture on the back of Felix, try looking a little scary and being pretty handy with a gun! Uni of Hertfordshire 2nd 7

Women’s 1st 1 Tim Aplin score of 101 against the 81 of Bristol a second time to shoot the second tionals it bodes very well. Thanks University of Brighton 1st 5 2nds. IC 1sts (Ayman, Paul, Dave, part of the competition in an effort go to Ayman for arranging the de- At 8am on Saturday morning, while and Pantelis), however, were being to beat IC’s highest score in that tails and Tim & Geoff for coaching Women’s 2nd 3 most of the readership were still in made to work for victory, finishing section of 55/80. Credit to them: all the guys. Shooting is an expen- King’s Medicals 4th 0 bed, or just getting back to it, four- only 12pts ahead of Bristol 1sts (118 they returned to applause from both sive sport by any measure and the teen intrepid members of the IC to 106). sides with a score of 61/80. However club has been very lucky in recent Netball: Rifle & Pistol Club’s Clay Pigeon The second part of the competi- Ayman (Clay captain) was unhappy years to maintain alumni connec- Women’s 1st 23 teams left campus to take a trip tion was Bristol’s chance to make without a whitewash and proceed- tions to coach newcomers to the Royal Free 1st 37 to Bristol & pitch our best against amends and they were eager to try, ed to dispatch half of the graduate sport, which can cost upwards of what they had to offer. setting aggressive benchmarks for team out to give the Bristol cohort a £55/hr. If you want to try this sport Rugby: The shooting on their side was IC to achieve. However, dominant masterclass. Tim, Geoff, Alkesh and at an affordable price while you still Men’s 1st 24 respectable, but neither our 1st or shooting pushed both Imperial Timur duly obliged, taking down can we’d love to hear from you! The King’s 1st 24 2nd teams were interested in slack- teams further ahead with IC 1sts 65/80 of the clay pigeons to settle closeness of scores between the ing back and took the lead in both finishing on 168 to top Bristol’s 158 the matter once & for all. Inciden- best of Imperial and the best of the Men’s 3rd 0 running totals from the start. At the and IC 2nds’ 158 completing their tally, the graduate team of IC also graduates shows the tremendous King’s Medicals 2nd 72 end of the first part of the competi- railroading of Bristol 2nds (128). beat all others with 169, pipping the progress the club has made bring- tion the IC 2nd, comprising James The story of the day has to go to IC 1st team by a single point. ing the standards of shooting up. Squash: Fok (2nd’s captain), Alan, Alex M & the Bristol 1st team who, desperate Fun was had by all who attended Good luck to all those competing Men’s 3rd 3 Jose, had taken a strong lead with a to leave with some dignity, went out & as an indicator for the BUSA na- next month at BUSA. UCL 2nd 0

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