Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler
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FACTSHEETS FOR FAMILIES | OCTOBER 2020 Parenting Your Adopted Preschooler Children ages 3 to 5 are limited in how much WHAT'S INSIDE they can understand about adoption. Like all young children, adopted children are naturally Adoption and child development curious and may ask many questions. They are also growing and changing rapidly. As their abilities develop, so will their understanding Behavioral and mental health concerns of their place in their families and communities. These early years are a good time for you to start talking about adoption Discipline considerations in a positive and relaxed manner. Beginning this practice sooner rather than later will help set the stage for open communication and Talking openly about adoption healthy development as your child grows. This factsheet is designed to help you Additional resources understand the impact of adoption on your preschooler’s development and provide practical strategies to build a warm and loving Conclusion relationship with your child based on honesty and trust. This factsheet can serve as a reference during your child’s preschool years. Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: [email protected] | https://www.childwelfare.gov 1 ADOPTION AND CHILD EFFECTS OF EARLY EXPERIENCES ON DEVELOPMENT DEVELOPMENT It is important to understand the typical Children's brains grow rapidly during the developmental tasks and needs of first years of life and are shaped by their preschoolers, as well as how adoption-related experiences, both good and bad. When experiences may affect them. This will help the brain is stimulated in positive ways, you better meet your child’s needs, promote a connections related to those experiences closer relationship, and identify and address form (for example, talking and singing with any potential developmental delays. and reading to your child helps develop the connections related to language). Negative PRESCHOOL DEVELOPMENT life experiences—such as maltreatment, involvement with the child welfare system, Preschoolers don’t need special classes or and institutionalization—also impact brain expensive toys to learn and grow. Simple functioning and are risk factors for cognitive, everyday interactions, such as singing, emotional, social, health, and developmental talking, touching, rocking, and reading, delays. They may also cause sensory- can help create a bond with your child and processing issues, where children can be support healthy growth. Being aware of either sensory seeking or sensory avoiding as key milestones and typical behaviors that a means of calming their nervous systems. can surface in young children can help you better understand your child’s development GAPS IN DEVELOPMENT and emotions. The following resources offer positive parenting tips, information on safety Children who spent a lot of time in an and health, and more. institution and/or who experienced maltreatment may not have learned how to "Adoption: Developmental Ages and Stages", communicate well or express their feelings. a webinar from the Quality Improvement Young children in institutional care (e.g., Center for Adoption and Guardianship orphanages) are at risk for delays in mental, Support and Preservation social, and physical growth. They also Preschoolers (3–5 Years of Age)— may have challenges processing sensory Developmental Milestones, a Centers for information or with balance and movement. If Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) this was your child’s experience, your child’s webpage developmental age may fall short of his or her chronological age, and it may be helpful Preschooler Development, a National to think of your child as being younger. This Library of Medicine webpage reduces expectations that can frustrate a Understanding Developmental Stages and child or damage his or her self-esteem. Adoption and Developmental Stages, two sections on the Child Welfare Information Gateway website Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: [email protected] | https://www.childwelfare.gov 2 For more information, see the CDC webpage on developmental disabilities and the Information While access to your child's background Gateway webpage, Postpermanency Services and medical history is essential, detailed for Children With Disabilities. information is not always readily available for a variety of reasons. For help in BEHAVIORAL AND MENTAL retrieving important details about your HEALTH CONCERNS child, consult Information Gateway's Preschool-age adopted children, like all young Obtaining Background Information children, may wrestle with a host of behavioral on Your Prospective Adopted Child and mental health issues that impact their and Providing Adoptive Parents With behaviors and emotions. Understanding the Information About Adoptees and Their experiences and emotions behind the behaviors Birth Families. can help you respond appropriately and, in turn, help your child. It is important not to take these behaviors personally but also to understand that how you react to a child's behaviors and If you notice significant delays, loss of previous emotions can cause them to escalate or calm skills, or extreme behavior, contact your child's down. This section explores some of the doctor. You should also report if your child has experiences and conditions that can trigger excessive reactions to touch, light, sounds, certain emotions or behaviors. and motion. A medical professional can help assess your child's development and determine ADOPTION-RELATED LOSS AND GRIEF if serious delays exist. Under Federal law, a young child who might have a physical, sensory, Without the proper interventions or counseling, mental, or emotional disability is guaranteed children who experience separation from their the right to an assessment. If your child receives birth parents may feel an unresolved sense Medicaid, screening is free through the Early of grief that can persist into adulthood. Even Periodic Screening, Diagnosis, and Treatment children adopted as infants will experience program. If you disagree with your professional, grief about the loss of their birth parents and seek a second opinion or press for further a potential life with them. These feelings may testing. recur as they age, particularly at milestones in life, even when the adoption was a positive If your child is found to have a disability, he experience. Unresolved grief can affect a child’s or she might be eligible for early childhood emotional and mental development. special education. This can include speech therapy, occupational or physical therapy, and Children adopted as preschoolers often feel sad counseling. Some services can be provided at or angry about their separation from the people home, while others may be offered at a child they remember. This may include birth family development center. For information about early members, foster parents, and/or brothers and developmental and behavioral screening, visit sisters. Young children may experience grief the U.S. Department of Education's webpage and need to mourn and work through loss. You Birth to 5: Watch Me Thrive: Promoting Early can help your child by answering questions Developmental and Behavioral Screening. honestly, accepting their feelings, and helping Children’s Bureau/ACYF/ACF/HHS | 800.394.3366 | Email: [email protected] | https://www.childwelfare.gov 3 them remember important people in their past. It is important to accept sadness as a normal part of a child’s coming to terms Related Information Gateway Resources with adoption, and you should avoid rushing him or her through it. If, however, your Finding and Working With Adoption- preschooler seems sad or angry much of the Competent Therapists (Factsheets for time, seek help. Extreme behaviors or moods Families) (control issues, withdrawal, apathy, extreme The Impact of Adoption (Factsheets for fearfulness, poor appetite, aggressiveness) Families may result from unresolved grief or may Helping Adopted Children Cope With be signs of untreated trauma. If your child Grief and Loss (webpage) shows these behaviors, look for an adoption- competent therapist or counselor who specializes in young children. Ask other adoptive parents for recommendations early lives are harsh and/or unpredictable whenever possible. In many cases, anger may not be able to develop the trust needed and difficult behaviors subside in time, after for healthy coping skills. Sexual abuse can children have vented or worked through their have an especially negative impact on young emotions. children by altering a child’s understanding of appropriate roles and relationships. Physical Learning to be comfortable with your own abuse and harsh physical punishment may feelings about adoption and why you chose affect how a child responds to discipline. to adopt (e.g., infertility), and being honest about your sadness over missing out on your TRAUMA child’s earliest experiences, can help to create Trauma is an emotional response to a stressful a positive and significant bond with your experience (such as child abuse, neglect, adopted child. You may acknowledge your institutionalization, and multiple placements) own sadness by saying something like, "I'm that threatens or causes harm. Depending sad, too, that I didn’t get to be with you when on individual temperament, resilience, and you were just a little baby, but I’m happy that the nature of the trauma experience, trauma your birth mother (and father) had you and can overwhelm a child’s natural ability to that you came to live with me, and now