Lit on Fire Lit on Fire
LIT ON FIRE TWELVE SHORT PARODIES OF READING LIST CLASSICS
______
by Hillary DePiano, Jonathan Dorf, Jeff Goode, Arthur M. Jolly, Laura King, Laura Lewis-Barr, Rex McGregor, Dylan Schifrin, Keegon Schuett, Abigail Taylor-Sansom, Jeri Weiss and Don Zolidis
This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed, photocopied or distributed digitally under any circumstances. Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this play or any portion of it, or to use it for classroom study.
www.youthplays.com [email protected] 424-703-5315
The Complete Novels of Jane Austen: Now New and Improved! © 2016 Hillary DePiano; The Frankenstein Revenge Society © 2016 Dylan Schifrin; Smitten © 2016 Jeri Weiss; HKFN: The Abbreviated Adventures of Huckleberry Finn © 2015 Jeff Goode; Hipster Van Winkle © 2017 Abigail Taylor-Sansom; Moby (No Last Name Given) © 2006 Arthur M. Jolly; Who Remembers Éponine's Sister? © 2016 Rex McGregor; The War on Little Women © 2016 Laura King; Odysseus Comes Home © 2017 Laura Lewis-Barr; Count Spatula © 2017 Keegon Schuett; Great Expectations, or What I Did On My Summer Vacation © 2017 Jonathan Dorf; Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less © 2013 Don Zolidis. All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-761-5.
Caution: These plays are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, Canada, the British Commonwealth and all other countries of the copyright union and are subject to royalty for all performances including but not limited to professional, amateur, charity and classroom whether admission is charged or presented free of charge.
Reservation of Rights: These plays are the property of the authors and all rights for their use are strictly reserved and must be licensed by the authors' representative, YouthPLAYS. This prohibition of unauthorized professional and amateur stage presentations extends also to motion pictures, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video and the rights of adaptation or translation into non-English languages.
Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments: Amateur and stock performance rights are administered exclusively by YouthPLAYS. No amateur, stock or educational theatre groups or individuals may perform these plays without securing authorization and royalty arrangements in advance from YouthPLAYS. Required royalty fees for performing these plays are available online at www.YouthPLAYS.com. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Required royalties must be paid each time these plays are performed and may not be transferred to any other performance entity. All licensing requests and inquiries should be addressed to YouthPLAYS.
Author Credit: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce these plays must give the authors credit in any and all advertisements and publicity relating to the production of these plays. The authors' billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line with no other accompanying written matter. The name of the authors must be at least 50% as large as the title of the plays. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the authors and the name of the authors may not be abbreviated or otherwise altered from the form in which it appears in these plays.
Publisher Attribution: All programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with YouthPLAYS (www.youthplays.com).
Prohibition of Unauthorized Copying: Any unauthorized copying of this book or excerpts from this book, whether by photocopying, scanning, video recording or any other means, is strictly prohibited by law. This book may only be copied by licensed productions with the purchase of a photocopy license, or with explicit permission from YouthPLAYS.
Trade Marks, Public Figures & Musical Works: These plays may contain references to brand names or public figures. All references are intended only as parody or other legal means of expression. These plays may also contain suggestions for the performance of a musical work (either in part or in whole). YouthPLAYS has not obtained performing rights of these works unless explicitly noted. The direction of such works is only a playwright's suggestion, and the play producer should obtain such permissions on their own. The website for the U.S. copyright office is http://www.copyright.gov.
COPYRIGHT RULES TO REMEMBER
1. To produce this play, you must receive prior written permission from YouthPLAYS and pay the required royalty.
2. You must pay a royalty each time the play is performed in the presence of audience members outside of the cast and crew. Royalties are due whether or not admission is charged, whether or not the play is presented for profit, for charity or for educational purposes, or whether or not anyone associated with the production is being paid.
3. No changes, including cuts or additions, are permitted to the script without written prior permission from YouthPLAYS.
4. Do not copy this book or any part of it without written permission from YouthPLAYS.
5. Credit to the author and YouthPLAYS is required on all programs and other promotional items associated with this play's performance.
When you pay royalties, you are recognizing the hard work that went into creating the play and making a statement that a play is something of value. We think this is important, and we hope that everyone will do the right thing, thus allowing playwrights to generate income and continue to create wonderful new works for the stage.
Plays are owned by the playwrights who wrote them. Violating a playwright's copyright is a very serious matter and violates both United States and international copyright law. Infringement is punishable by actual damages and attorneys' fees, statutory damages of up to $150,000 per incident, and even possible criminal sanctions. Infringement is theft. Don't do it.
Have a question about copyright? Please contact us by email at [email protected] or by phone at 424-703-5315. When in doubt, please ask.
THE PLAYS The Complete Novels of Jane Austen: Now New and Improved! by Hillary DePiano (the works of Jane Austen)………5 The Frankenstein Revenge Society by Dylan Schifrin (Frankenstein) …………………………..………………...…………16 Smitten by Jeri Weiss (Cyrano de Bergerac) …………………….....25 HKFN: The Abbreviated Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Jeff Goode (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) ………..……….....33 Hipster Van Winkle by Abigail Taylor-Sansom (Rip Van Winkle)………………………………………………………….…..42 Moby (No Last Name Given) by Arthur M. Jolly (Moby Dick)..50 Who Remembers Éponine's Sister? by Rex McGregor (Les Misérables) ………………………………………...………………...56 The War on Little Women by Laura King (Little Women)...…....65 Odysseus Comes Home by Laura Lewis-Barr (The Odyssey) ...... 71 Count Spatula by Keegon Schuett (Dracula)….………….……..80 Great Expectations, or What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Jonathan Dorf (Great Expectations) ….………………...……….89 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less by Don Zolidis (The Scarlet Letter) ……..……….99
PRODUCTION NOTES These plays may be performed individually or grouped in any combination to create a show of the desired length and performed as Lit on Fire. To do every play in the collection, one would need at least 11 performers, though every play besides Odysseus Comes Home can be performed with an ensemble of 8 or fewer (6 females, 2 males). Singly cast, there are potentially opportunities for over 100 performers.
THE COMPLETE NOVELS OF JANE AUSTEN: NOW NEW AND IMPROVED! by Hillary DePiano
CAST OF CHARACTERS JANE AUSTEN, Regency era English author. HENRY AUSTEN, Jane's brother and agent. GEORGE KNIGHTLEY, co-producer of Emma's The Matchmaker reality show. EMMA WOODHOUSE, co-producer and host of The Matchmaker. HARRIET, bachelorette on The Matchmaker. MR. ELTON, vicar, suitor on The Matchmaker. FRANK CHURCHILL, young man, suitor on The Matchmaker. KEN, sportscaster. RED, sportscaster. ANNOUNCER, soap opera style announcer. CAPT. FREDERICK WENTWORTH, Navy Captain from Persuasion. DR. ANNE ELLIOT, Wentworth's ex-finance. LOUISA MUSGROVE, head trauma patient of Dr. Elliot's, former love interest of Wentworth's. CATHERINE MORLAND, The Chosen One from the dystopian thriller North Hanger Lab B. HENRY TILNEY, Catherine's love interest. ELINOR DASHWOOD, older, sensible sister from Sense and Sensibility.
MARIANNE DASHWOOD, Elinor's younger, impulsive sister. ELIZABETH BENNET, werewolf, heroine of Pride and Prejudice. FITZWILLIAM DARCY, vampire, in love with Elizabeth. LYDIA BENNET, Elizabeth's younger sister, femme fatale. WICKHAM, horror movie villain. MANSFIELD PARK ATHLETES ZOMBIES
PRODUCTION NOTES This super flexible play can be as small or large as you need it to be. It can be performed with as few as three performers to play all parts with simple sets and costumes suggested by a few elements here and there, or you can cast every part. There are also opportunities to add more of an ensemble if desired in Emma, Manchester Park, Northanger Abbey, and Sense and Sensibility. Improvising and updating with modern references within the novel scenes is welcome and encouraged. Any role can be played by a performer of any race or gender.
The Complete Novels of Jane Austen… by Hillary DePiano 7
SCENE 1 (Henry Austen's office in the afterlife.) (JANE AUSTEN enters. While she is her proper historical English self, her brother HENRY is in all ways a modern Hollywood agent.) JANE: You are not changing my novels. HENRY: Jane Austen! My favorite client! Look at you! You're beautiful, babe. Beautiful! JANE: I'm your sister, Henry. Persist in calling me "babe" and I will box your ears. Now, what is this all about? I was enjoying the hereafter much more when I was left to rest in peace. HENRY: It's about revitalizing The Brand, ba—uh, sis. You know, Jane Austen™. Synergy. JANE: I haven't the slightest idea of what you're talking about. HENRY: You know I love your stuff and your novels were great for their time. But the living today, they don't do old. We've got to redo everything, make it go viral. JANE: I already went viral back in 1817. It's why I'm here in the afterlife listening to your inane chatter. HENRY: No. You're not getting me. I'm talking about The Complete Novels of Jane Austen: Now New and Improved! Redo the whole canon. Rewrite them at the source, right there in your beautiful brain and, boom! It updates every copy of the stuffy originals all over the world with something fresh enough for the smart phone generation. JANE: Absolutely not. HENRY: Come on! It's like you said, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a classic of any popularity must be in want of a reboot!" JANE: I'm quite confident that I said nothing of the sort.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 8 Lit on Fire
HENRY: I thought you might take some convincing so I prepared a little presentation to show you how great this could be for us. You're gonna love it. JANE: Hmm. We'll see. HENRY: Bring out Emma! You like reality TV, right? JANE: Oh, dear.
SCENE 2 (The set of a reality dating show, The Matchmaker. Think live finale of The Bachelor or similar with audience. The producer, MR. KNIGHTLEY, rushes around getting everything ready. HARRIET stands opposite the bachelors, who include MR. ELTON and FRANK CHURCHILL, holding a single rose.) MR. KNIGHTLEY: Alright, people, we're live with the final Match Ceremony in 3…2…1… Everyone give it up for the host of The Matchmaker, Emma Woodhouse! (Audience goes nuts as EMMA comes out.) EMMA: Thank you! Thank you! HARRIET: Gosh, this is so exciting! To marry a man above my station! And to think, before I met you, Emma, I was going to just marry that farmer. (Dramatic music.) EMMA: Now, Harriet, it's time to decide which of these gentlemen will get your final rose. Will it be Mr. Elton— MR. ELTON: I'd rather marry you, Emma! EMMA: Ew. No. HARRIET: I wasn't really interested in Mr. Elton anyway. EMMA: Good. Then he gets the ravenous shark pit.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Complete Novels of Jane Austen… by Hillary DePiano 9
(She pulls a lever, which drops Mr. Elton into the shark pit. He screams as he plummets to his death. The crowd loves it.) MR. ELTON: But I'm a vicar! A man of Godddddddddddddd! EMMA: Anyway, Harriet, I think you and Frank Churchill would be just perfect for each other. FRANK CHURCHILL: But I'm engaged to Jane Fairfax! (Everyone gasps.) EMMA: How did we not catch that on the background check? MR. KNIGHTLEY: It was a secret engagement, Em. No one knew! EMMA: That's it! Shark pit for him too! (She yanks the lever again. Frank Churchill screams as he falls. The crowd loves it even more than last time.) FRANK CHURCHILL: No! Aaaaah! HARRIET: It's fine. I've already made my choice. I'm going to give my rose to... (Super dramatic music while she holds the moment way too long.) Mr. George Knightley! EMMA: What? My co-producer? (Harriet goes to give Mr. Knightley the rose but Emma slaps it out of her hand.) No! You can't have Mr. Knightley! Because...I just realized I'm in love with him...and he's in love with me...and we're meant to be together! MR. KNIGHTLEY: Took you long enough. (He picks up the rose and hands it to Emma. They embrace. Crowd "awww"s.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 10 Lit on Fire
HARRIET: But what about me? (No one is paying attention to her.) Oh, well. I guess I could go back to that farmer. (Without breaking the embrace, Emma hits the lever again.) No, not the shark pit! (Harriet screams as she falls. Crowd goes nuts.)
SCENE 3 (Emma scene goes dark. Jane is unimpressed.) JANE: Sharks, Henry? HENRY: No? Well, forget about that. You're going to love what we did up for Mansfield Park. Let's play ball!
SCENE 4 (KEN and RED are sportscasters doing the fast-paced play-by- play of a sports game.) KEN: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another beautiful day here at Mansfield Park. Little Fanny Price is the player to watch in this game, Red. RED: Gotta agree with you there, Ken. She's a real Cinderella story, coming from nothing, drafted over here to the Park when she was just a kid. KEN: And I do like Fanny and Edmund out there together. What a team! RED: Looks like the Crawfords are getting on the field now and, boy, are they causing a stir. KEN: Mary Crawford's already putting some real coverage on Edmund while Henry Crawford's going for Maria, no, Julia, no…Fanny? RED: He's going for the fake.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Complete Novels of Jane Austen… by Hillary DePiano 11
KEN: But no! It's real! It's a real move! He's proposing! Henry's proposing and Fanny's shutting him down! What a block! RED: But what's this now? He's recovered and going for Maria? Henry and Maria? Look at them go! KEN: That's some affair! Her man Rushworth doesn't even know what happened. RED: Catch it on the replay, buddy. KEN: Sex scandals. Erotic symbolism. Double entendre. What's gotten into Austen in this one? RED: I don't know, Ken, but I like it. KEN: Now Mary's making her move. She's coming for Edmund. But no! No! I can't believe it! He's gone for Fanny! RED: Fanny and Edmund! Fanny Price for the win! Fanny Price is the mistress of Mansfield Park! (The sportscasters freak out, celebrating and hugging each other as the scene goes dark.)
SCENE 5 HENRY: See, because they already think you invented baseball, so I figured we might as well roll with it and, uh... no? JANE: No. HENRY: OK. I see I should have started you on the scripted stuff. Next, Persuasion!
SCENE 6 (A hospital room.) ANNOUNCER: Previously on Persuasion...
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 12 Lit on Fire
(Soap opera style medical drama. Dramatic music. Over the top acting. DR. ANNE ELLIOT attends to the unconscious LOUISA MUSGROVE in the hospital bed, while CAPTAIN WENTWORTH waits at her bedside.) WENTWORTH: How is she? ANNE: It's too soon to tell. The trauma to her brain is severe. (Wentworth moves in close.) WENTWORTH: As severe as the trauma to my heart when you left me? (Dramatic music swells.) ANNE: Please, Captain Wentworth. Louisa could wake up any moment and learn the truth about us! WENTWORTH: I don't care! Let everyone know of our secret engagement all those years ago that we kept hidden even when I ran off to the Navy and you thought I was lost at sea but really I was earning my fortune which is why I'm now much richer than before. I must know your heart, Anne! ANNE: You know it! But what of you, doting on Louisa? WENTWORTH: I wasn't doting that hard. I did let her head hit the pavement. ANNE: Oh, Frederick! WENTWORTH: And all this time I thought you preferred Benwick and his sad poems. ANNE: I'd have to have brain damage to choose him over you! LOUISA: (In her sleep:) I like Benwick… ANNE: See? WENTWORTH: Kiss me, you fool! (Music swells like mad as they embrace. Persuasion goes dark.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Complete Novels of Jane Austen… by Hillary DePiano 13
SCENE 7 JANE: Persuasion? But my book was called The Elliots. HENRY: Oh, it, uh, got changed after you died. Catherine, too. That one's called Northanger Abby now. JANE: Someone changed my book against my wishes? Who would do such a thing? What absolute beef-witted arrogance— HENRY: Now, sis, calm down, I'm sure they meant well and were only thinking of how it would play with the... Anyway, it's not the end of the world unlike the post-apocalyptic fun I've got up next for you!
SCENE 8 (Creepy abandoned laboratory in the distant future.) (CATHERINE MORLAND and HENRY TILNEY race in, locking the door behind them. Their dress is a call back to well- known dystopian movies such as The Hunger Games or Mad Max. Everything is unnecessarily overdramatic.) HENRY TILNEY: That was way too close. The Peace Keepers nearly caught us that time! (Catherine spots an old sign.) CATHERINE: I can't believe it. "North Hanger Lab B"! Henry, this is it! I knew I was The Chosen One. HENRY TILNEY: Not this again. There's a reason The Leaders banned those old fictions, Catherine! They're giving you crazy ideas. Anything but facts are an enemy to The Peace, don't you see that? They'll force us to compete in The Blood Sport with the other Abnormals! CATHERINE: But The Rebellion— Oh, no! (Moaning ZOMBIES start to break into the room.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 14 Lit on Fire
HENRY TILNEY: It's The Hungry Ones! (There's a sound from the other door.) CATHERINE: What's that? It could be the Gothicjay! HENRY TILNEY: Or it could be more of them! (The zombies have broken in. Catherine and Henry Tilney try to fight them off but they're backed against the other door.) Catherine, don't— (Before Henry can stop her, Catherine opens it. On the other side is Jane Austen who is Not Amused. Catherine and Henry Tilney scream.) CATHERINE & HENRY TILNEY: Aaaah! JANE: That's quite enough of that. Shoo. All of you. CATHERINE, HENRY TILNEY & ALL OF THE ZOMBIES: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Everyone but Jane and Henry Austen screams and runs off.) HENRY: What was wrong with that one? The dystopian stuff is really hot right now. JANE: Have you forgotten that I write family comedies? HENRY: Comedy, huh? I can do that.
SCENE 9 (The following is to be sung like a cheesy sitcom theme song. Feel free to add dancing and/or back-up singers. Set it to whatever tune you want. I hear the upbeat verses in my head as something like Leroy Anderson's "The Syncopated Clock" if you're looking for a starting point. ELINOR DASHWOOD should be prim and together while her sister MARIANNE should be more casual and disheveled.) (Starts out slowly:)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Complete Novels of Jane Austen… by Hillary DePiano 15
ELINOR: WHEN EDWARD GOT ENGAGED AND IT WASN'T TO ME. MARIANNE: AND I GOT DUMPED BY THAT CAD WILLOUGHBY. ELINOR: RATHER THAN SOB AND BEMOAN OUR FATES… (Gets upbeat:) MARIANNE: WE DECIDED WE'D MAKE THE PERFECT ROOMMATES! ELINOR: MARIANNE LIVES WITH FIERY PASSION. MARIANNE: WHILE ELINOR HAS STEADFAST COMPASSION. TOGETHER: THOUGH WE'RE DIFFERENT AS SISTERS CAN BE… ELINOR: WE'RE SENSE… MARIANNE: …AND SENSIBILITY! ELINOR: WITH MEASURED CAUTION, HEARTBREAK WE CAN BEAR. MARIANNE: MY HEART'S ON MY SLEEVE… TAKE A LOCK OF MY HAIR! ELINOR: THOUGH WE DON'T SEE EYE TO EYE… MARIANNE: WE'RE SURE YOU'LL AGREE… ELINOR & MARIANNE: WE'RE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY! (Big finish:) SENSE AND SENSIBILITY!
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
THE FRANKENSTEIN REVENGE SOCIETY by Dylan Schifrin
CAST OF CHARACTERS CEDRIC, Dr. Frankenstein's third creation. Clever, vengeful, and controlling. His hands and feet are swapped, forcing him to walk in strange ways. ARM, Dr. Frankenstein's first creation. A reanimated arm who just wants to know his/her purpose in life. BETSY SUE, Dr. Frankenstein's penultimate creation. An incessant transcendentalist. KIP, Dr. Frankenstein's second creation. Most of his brain is filler, and as a result he's a bit lacking in the intelligence department. DR. FRANKENSTEIN, a scientist dedicated to reanimating the dead. A good caretaker to his failed creations, although he does keep them locked in his basement. MRS. FRANKENSTEIN, Dr. Frankenstein's mother.
SETTING Dr. Frankenstein's basement.
TIME 1831.
NOTE Mrs. Frankenstein can either be played by an actress offstage or by a prerecorded voiceover.
The Frankenstein Revenge Society by Dylan Schifrin 17
(Dr. Frankenstein's basement. A mad scientist's lair complete with test tubes, beakers, and Tesla coils. CEDRIC, KIP, BETSY SUE and ARM all lie asleep on the ground. DR. FRANKENSTEIN enters.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Good morning, everyone! (Cedric, Arm, Betsy Sue, and Kip start reluctantly waking up.) CEDRIC, ARM, BETSY SUE & KIP: (Robotically:) Good morning, Dr. Frankenstein. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Time for breakfast! I brought fish heads for everyone! (He places down a bucket of fish heads.) CEDRIC, ARM, BETSY SUE & KIP: (Robotically, ad lib:) Thank you, Dr. Frankenstein./Looks delicious./My tummy's rumbling. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And for Arm, you can play with this string! (He gives a piece of string to Arm.) ARM: (Completely deadpan:) Oh, boy. It must be Christmas. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Have a good day, my creations! I'll see you at lunchtime! (Dr. Frankenstein exits.) (Cedric, Arm, Betsy Sue, and Kip all stare at each other for a few seconds, then suddenly jump to life.) CEDRIC: Greetings, everyone. The Frankenstein Revenge Society is now in session. As you know, our mission is to destroy Victor Frankenstein for bestowing upon us the worst curse imaginable: life. I will now take roll call. Cedric? …Here. Arm? ARM: (Thumbs up.) Present.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 18 Lit on Fire
CEDRIC: Betsy Sue? BETSY SUE: Are any of us truly "here"? Is there ever such a true presence of mind that can be defined as— CEDRIC: Get to the point! BETSY SUE: Here. CEDRIC: Kip? (Silence.) Kip?! (Arm nudges Kip.) KIP: Oh. I thought you were talking to another Kip. CEDRIC: We are locked in a basement! What other Kip could there possibly be?! KIP: I named this pebble "Kip." Although, technically, his name is Kip Junior. (He holds up a pebble.) CEDRIC: Will you just read the minutes of yesterday's meeting? ARM: I'll get 'em. (Arm reaches around, accidently slapping Cedric and Kip, pulls out a piece of paper, and gives it to Kip.) KIP: Thank you, Arm. Ahem…8:00 a.m. Kip read the minutes of yesterday's meeting. 8:03 a.m. Kip doodled over the rest of the paper. 8:04 a.m. Cedric called Kip an idiot. 8:12 a.m. Cedric's plan of asphyxiating Victor was shot down after the realization that none of us knew what asphyxiating meant. 8:27 a.m. Um…uh…there's more, but I doodled over it. CEDRIC: Kip, you're an idiot.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Frankenstein Revenge Society by Dylan Schifrin 19
KIP: Well it's not my fault that most of my brain is just sawdust and tape. Victor made me this way. (Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein making Kip. Lights dim and Dr. Frankenstein enters. Kip moves over to him.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: At last you are finished, my beautiful creation! Speak, and share your glorious mind with the world! KIP: Jumping is fun. (Kip attempts to jump, but ends up hopping slightly and falling over.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And into the basement you go. (Dr. Frankenstein exits, lights come back up.) ARM: I hate Victor. We were all better off as corpses. I mean, what was he thinking when he reanimated me?! BETSY SUE: You were Victor's first attempt at revivification. He was only a boy when he made you. (Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein creating Arm. Lights dim and Dr. Frankenstein enters, carrying an arm prop.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (As a boy:) Mommy, mommy! Look what I made! MRS. FRANKENSTEIN: (Off:) Why can't you just play Tiddlywinks and date your cousin like a normal boy?! BETSY SUE: It's true. Victor did marry his cousin. KIP: Gross. (Dr. Frankenstein exits, dejected; lights come back up.) ARM: I wish I knew what my purpose was in life. Well, other than opening jars, pressing buttons…oh, and this… (Arm flips everyone off, Kip quickly pushes Arm's middle finger back down.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 20 Lit on Fire
CEDRIC: Our purpose, Arm, is to get revenge on Victor. He's the reason I've suffered seven agonizing years in this hellhole. I, a being capable of conscious reasoning, am confined here, like some kind of vermin, just because my feet are where my hands should be! (Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein making Cedric. Lights dim and Dr. Frankenstein enters and Cedric crab walks over to him.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I'll be honest with you, Cedric. I was really drunk when I created you last night. Like really drunk. CEDRIC: This is unfathomably demeaning. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Just be glad you're not Arm. (Dr. Frankenstein exits, lights come back up.) CEDRIC: I wish I could go out and do stuff like a normal person! Think of what I'm missing! Restaurants, parties, yard sales— BETSY SUE: All frivolous institutions of society. I envision an age where societal conventions are cast aside in favor of deeper, individualistic thought. Future historians shall refer to this ideology as "Transcendentalism." ARM: Geez, Betsy Sue, where did you come up with an idea like that? BETSY SUE: I smoke a fair bit of hemp. ARM: We can dream all we want, but Victor would never let us out into the world. His Monster is the one getting the spotlight, anyway. It's even called "The Frankenstein Monster." Talk about a vanity project. KIP: Plus, he's so handsome. (Kip holds up an autographed picture of the Monster.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Frankenstein Revenge Society by Dylan Schifrin 21
BETSY SUE: Victor regards the Monster as his perfect creation. In his eyes, we are too dysfunctional to reveal to the public. ARM: (To Betsy Sue:) What's so dysfunctional about you? BETSY SUE: Aren't we all dysfunctional in the shadow of Platonic idealism? ARM: Oh, right. You're boring. KIP: I wonder why Victor thinks I'm a reject. (He attempts to put his fist in his mouth but gives up.) CEDRIC: Did you just try to eat your own hand? KIP: I thought it was a yam. ARM: Maybe you'd feel better if we got back to plotting revenge, Cedric. CEDRIC: Good idea, Arm. Hmm…given the square footage of this room we could probably approach Victor in a serpentine fashion, allowing for a direct assault and keeping all flanks covered. ARM: I could slap him. CEDRIC: We're trying to kill him, Arm. ARM: I could slap him like twelve times. CEDRIC: No. BETSY SUE: We could lock him down here. I mean, he'd die eventually. CEDRIC: No, Betsy Sue. Revenge is best done swiftly. BETSY SUE: I wish you'd reconsider my proposal. For is confining our oppressor not a metaphor for breaking free of the conventions of society?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 22 Lit on Fire
CEDRIC: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BETSY SUE! ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?! YOU'RE BORING! BETSY SUE: (After a pause:) That's exactly what Victor said before locking me down here. ARM: Really? Word for word? BETSY SUE: Well, I guess he wasn't so much "bored" as "disturbed by my cruel insight into his psyche." His desire to play God consumed him to the point where he became entirely fixated on creating life from the dead. The Monster is a culmination of that obsession, as it is bent on destroying the same friends and family Victor himself had been destroying through neglect. (Flashback to Dr. Frankenstein creating Betsy Sue. Lights dim and Dr. Frankenstein enters. Betsy Sue moves over to him.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Finally, I've done it! The perfect being, flawless in both mind and body! Speak, my creation! BETSY SUE: Hello, Victor. Let me list the reasons that you are of a corrupt and despicable morality. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Into the basement. (Dr. Frankenstein exits, lights go back up.) CEDRIC: (Tears of joy.) That was beautiful! When Victor returns, you must once again afflict him with crippling emotional damage. ARM: Emotional damage isn't going to kill him, though. BETSY SUE: We can fantasize about his ultimate demise all we want, but we still don't have a weapon. CEDRIC: Oh, don't we? (He picks up the Arm's string using the "hands" on his feet. Everyone ad libs, “Aaaah," “Good idea," “I don't get it," etc.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The Frankenstein Revenge Society by Dylan Schifrin 23
Okay, here's the plan. When Victor comes back with our lunch, I'll approach him. Arm, you'll hold your string so it doesn't look suspicious. Then, on my signal, Betsy Sue, you'll begin tearing away at Victor's resolve with your, how did you put it… BETSY SUE: Cruel, demoralizing, dehumanizing insight. CEDRIC: Exactly. Then, Arm, you'll toss me the string. (After struggling for a bit, he manages to pass the string from his gloved foot to Arm.) Once Victor's been demoralized and dehumanized enough, he'll slump over with depression. ARM: And boredom. CEDRIC: That will give me the perfect opportunity to strangle him with the string. BETSY SUE: Shh, everyone. I can hear him approaching. Act natural. (Arm makes a muscle, Cedric gets in a crab walk position, Kip walks into a wall, Betsy Sue quite literally buries her face in a book.) (Dr. Frankenstein enters.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Hello, my creations! Who's hungry for lunch? CEDRIC: (Trying to appear unassuming:) Hello there, Victor. What a pleasant surprise. I mean, well, it's not a surprise, but, you know…well anyway, no one's trying to kill you or anything, I mean—forget what I said! We were talking about sports. ARM: We love sports. CEDRIC: Anyway, it's great to see you again, I'd love to catch up some time—Betsy Sue, verbal assault! Go!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 24 Lit on Fire
BETSY SUE: Greetings, Victor, or, should I say, murderer of the innocent. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: What? CEDRIC: Arm! Go! (Arm flails around feeling for the string, repeatedly slapping Kip.) BETSY SUE: Did you not revel in their agony, Victor? Did your dear friend Henry Clerval's brutal demise not bring you pleasure? And who could forget your dear wife and cousin, Elizabeth, whose life was also brought to an end by the very creature you designed. DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Why are you saying this? (Arm finally finds the string and throws it towards Cedric, missing horribly.) KIP: I got it! BETSY SUE: You were responsible for it all, Victor. Only the fiery pits of hell await you now. (Kip runs over to the string, crashing into things, knocking over test tubes, etc. Kip retrieves the string and throws it to Cedric.) (Cedric fumbles with the string and drops it, he tries to pick it up with both his hands and feet but can't.) CEDRIC: Oh, to hell with it! (Cedric "kicks" Dr. Frankenstein with the boot on his hand. Dr. Frankenstein falls over.) DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Cedric? What are you doing?
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
SMITTEN by Jeri Weiss
CAST OF CHARACTERS CYRANO, male. Eloquent and clever, but sensitive about his large nose. ROXANE, female. Beautiful, but self-involved. CHRISTIAN, male. Strong and handsome, but oafish.
SETTING A modern-day high school campus. In the center of the stage, there is a raised area that represents the second floor; a ladder would be perfect because the top only needs to be big enough for Roxane to sit upon during the "balcony scene." An alternative would be to stack blocks to create the upper level. Blocks may also be used to create seating and hiding places on the stage as a substitute for actual pieces of furniture and scenery. If space allows, handmade posters advertising the upcoming prom may be displayed.
COSTUMES & MAKEUP The costumes should be present-day high school clothing, but because this is a parody of a play set in 17th-century France, a dash of Renaissance style may be added for comic effect. Some fashion trends of that period include feathers, lace, sashes, folding fans, and tight curls. The only required costume is a hoodie for Christian. As for makeup, the most important element is, of course, Cyrano's prominent nose—exaggerate the length so it cannot be missed!
26 Lit on Fire
(A high school campus. ROXANE checks her phone for messages, then looks up in frustration.) ROXANE: Prom is but a month away, Yet I wait day after day, Sitting here immobile. Oh where, oh where, is my promposal? (She waits; then, perplexed:) Never have I felt such sadness. 'Tis madness! (Roxane checks her messages again, as CHRISTIAN, who has been hiding out of sight, suddenly pops up.) CHRISTIAN: There she is. Roxane, so hot. I'd ask her to prom, but my tongue forms a knot. Oh, why must promposals demand so much thought? (Roxane looks up and Christian ducks back down.) Don't let me be caught! ROXANE: Was that Christian? Why does he procrastinate When he can have me as a date? (Christian surreptitiously creeps off stage. CYRANO enters.) CYRANO: There she is. Roxane, so fair, Who leaves my heart in disrepair. To her I would like to prompose If not for my enormous nose. (Roxane looks up and sees Cyrano.) ROXANE: Cyrano! I need to talk to you. CYRANO: (Aside:) Did I correctly hear her plea That she wishes to speak to me? ROXANE: Cyrano! Come quick. Make haste.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Smitten by Jeri Weiss 27
CYRANO: (Snapping to attention:) Forgive me. Out I must have spaced. ROXANE: Prom most hurriedly approaches. CYRANO: Does it? ROXANE: Seriously? There are signs all over the freaking school. CYRANO: Ah, yes. ROXANE: And yet… I have yet to receive a promposal. CYRANO: 'Tis madness! ROXANE: Right? CYRANO: (Aside:) Such fortune she has not been asked. Is there a chance for me at last? (To Roxane, displaying an envelope:) Worry not, I have a letter— ROXANE: A letter? Is it from Christian? CYRANO: Christian? (Aside:) 'Tis Christian by whom she is smitten, But these words by my own heart were written. ROXANE: (To Cyrano, about Christian:) One look from him renders me weak. He follows me as if to speak, Then runs off like a feral cat. What's up with that? CYRANO: (Aside:) Methinks he swings a different bat. ROXANE: (Reaching for the letter:) Perhaps he writes with erudition. CYRANO: (Aside:) More like a flatulent emission. ROXANE: May I please have my letter now? CYRANO: (To himself:) I must be rid of it somehow.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 28 Lit on Fire
(He hides the letter.) ROXANE: Cyrano—my letter, please. CYRANO: (Pretending to look for it:) It must have vanished in the breeze. ROXANE: What breeze? CYRANO: I do have quite a potent sneeze. ROXANE: Eww. CYRANO: There's not much I can do. ROXANE: You can follow Christian where he went And for me find out his intent. Tell him I shan't wait much longer. CYRANO: (Resigned:) Could this day go any wronger? ROXANE: Ask him to come to me at once. CYRANO: You are aware he is a dunce? ROXANE: Nobody's perfect. Would you find out his locale? CYRANO: If it pleases you, I shall. ROXANE: You are a true friend. (Cyrano sadly watches Roxane exit.) CYRANO: A true friend? Rather I were stricken deaf Than hear her call me B-F-F. (Christian enters, carrying a handmade poster and crayons.) What have you there? CHRISTIAN: (Hiding the poster:) It is nothing. CYRANO: What are you hiding? CHRISTIAN: Cyrano, must you be so nosy?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Smitten by Jeri Weiss 29
CYRANO: (Motioning to his nose:) I'm afraid I must. CHRISTIAN: (Giving in:) It is a promposal for Roxane. I thought that it would be a snap, But everything I write is crap. CYRANO: (Aside:) I'm not surprised. This oaf deprives some village of its idiot. (To Christian:) Well, you're in luck. She prefers good looks Over readers of books. CHRISTIAN: In this we think the same! Shallow is my middle name! (Christian sits and colors his poster.) CYRANO: (Aside:) Why would God bless this moron With such a grand physique, While I with advanced intellect Am cursed with this great beak? (Watching Christian:) He is the bane of my existence, But for her I'll lend my assistance. (To Christian:) Enough of this; come on; let's go And make something that doesn't blow. CHRISTIAN: You would do that for me, bro? (Christian holds out his fist; Cyrano reluctantly bumps it.) CYRANO: For her. CHRISTIAN: That's right. You two are good friends. CYRANO: We are that. And that only. CHRISTIAN: And now so are we. CYRANO: (With sarcasm:) Yippee! (Christian chest-bumps Cyrano, sending him flying offstage. A crash can be heard. Roxane enters and sees Christian. She strides directly up to him.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 30 Lit on Fire
CHRISTIAN: (Nervously:) Roxane! ROXANE: Is there something you wish to say? CHRISTIAN: Say? Uh…yeah… ROXANE: I am waiting. CHRISTIAN: Uh…so…um… ROXANE: (Squeezing his mouth:) Unleash your words upon me! (Christian freezes, his mouth agape. Roxane exclaims and exits in a huff. Cyrano re-enters, brushing himself off.) CHRISTIAN: With Cyrano I must confer. Dear friend, help me prompose to her. CYRANO: How can I if you're face-to-face? (Referring to his brain:) I shall consult my knowledge base. (Cyrano strikes a thinker's pose. Roxane sits at the top of the stairs.) CHRISTIAN: (Seizing Cyrano's arm:) Oh no! There she is! Kill me now. CYRANO: Perhaps later. I have an idea. (Aside:) Through Christian, I can at last express my love to her. (Pointing to the stairs:) Take your place before the rung; Beneath I'll prompt you with my tongue. (Cyrano pulls Christian's hood over his head and pushes him toward the stairs. Cyrano hides and signals Christian to begin.) CHRISTIAN: Roxane! ROXANE: Who calls me? CHRISTIAN: It is I! Christian! ROXANE: (With disdain:) Oh, you. CHRISTIAN: May I speak—
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Smitten by Jeri Weiss 31
ROXANE: No, you speak stupidly! (Cyrano whispers to Christian, a few words at a time.) CHRISTIAN: (Repeating awkwardly:) How can I. Say no more. When it is you. I've fallen for? ROXANE: Hmm… 'Tis a trifle better. A trifle! (Cyrano whispers to him again.) CHRISTIAN: (Repeating:) My aching heart. So fast. Is racing. Moved by. The beauty I. Am facing. ROXANE: Better still. But why do your words falter so? CYRANO: (Whispering to Christian:) Quick! Trade places with me. (Cyrano pulls Christian out of Roxane's sight.) Hand me your hooded cloak. (Christian removes his hoodie. Cyrano struggles to get it over his nose.) ROXANE: I am waiting... CYRANO: (Still struggling:) One moment— ROXANE: I'm coming down— CYRANO: (Hastily:) No! ROXANE: And why not? CYRANO: Indulge me, my love, and I shall not disappoint. I feel as if I speak for the first time! ROXANE: 'Tis true; Your voice rings with a tone that is new. (Cyrano takes Christian's place, concealing his face under the hood.) CYRANO: In darkness our hearts speak sincerely.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 32 Lit on Fire
ROXANE: I swoon when you talk so Shakespere-ly. My heart fills with bliss… CHRISTIAN: (Whispering too loudly:) Ask her for a kiss! ROXANE: What's this? CYRANO: (To Christian:) Get back to your abyss. You move too brisk. CHRISTIAN: And you too slow. CYRANO: Hush! Lie low! CHRISTIAN: She wants me, bro. CYRANO: Let it go. ROXANE: Hello? CHRISTIAN: Give me elbow room And allow me to resume Or prepare to meet thy doom! (The pair scuffle and fall into Roxane's view. She steps down to pull them apart.) ROXANE: Stop it, Christian! Stop this fight! (To Cyrano, puzzled:) Dear friend, what brings you here tonight? CYRANO: I come to prove so that you know This one's as dumb as pastry dough. CHRISTIAN: (Defensively:) Listen not… To this…croissant!
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
HKFN: THE ABBREVIATED ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN by Jeff Goode
CAST OF CHARACTERS THE GIRL WHO PLAYS AUNT POLLY and later TOM SAWYER THE BOY WHO PLAYS HUCK THE BOY WHO PLAYS JIM THE GIRL WHO PLAYS WIDOW DOUGLAS and DUKE and others THE GIRL WHO PLAYS MISS WATSON and KING and others
NOTES The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain is a novel about race in America. Written after the Civil War, but set 40 years earlier, the story explores the hypocrisy of slavery and the moral confusion it creates. Ironically, the book—which is generally considered an American classic—has frequently been banned because of objectionable language and racist situations in its depiction of the pre-Civil War South, presenting educators with the challenge of engaging students in discussions about race when it is sometimes difficult to even discuss a book on the subject. HKFN is a play about our discomfort with discussions of race and specifically our difficulty in discussing Huckleberry Finn.
In a sense, it is a play about "the elephant in the room," where characters often avoid the same topics we all do when faced with situations of bias or inequity. (Even when it should be pretty obvious to everyone what we're really talking about.) This play is presented, not so much as a direct adaptation of the original, but as a means of jumpstarting a conversation about social taboos, which can lead to a fuller discussion of the original novel and other challenging works on race, gender and stereotyping.
CASTING NOTES The author generally encourages color-blind and gender-blind casting whenever possible. It should be noted, however, that certain aspects of the gender and ethnicity of the characters are important to the story, and should be taken into consideration when casting. HUCK AND JIM In the original novel and in these plays, the characters of Huck and Jim are Caucasian and African American, respectively. While there can be some flexibility in the exact ethnicity of the actors playing the roles, it is important that Huck be lighter- complected than Jim and vice versa. When Polly expresses rigid opinions about who can play Jim and who can play Huck, it should be obvious that the two were cast mainly because of their skin color. AUNT POLLY, WIDOW DOUGLAS AND MISS WATSON In the novel, the characters of Aunt Polly, Widow Douglas and Miss Watson are white, but their ethnicity is not relevant to the play. Their gender, however, is. It is important that we know that Polly would not have cast any of them, including herself, as Huck or Jim because of their gender.
As the play goes on, all of the "actors" evolve in their ideas about casting, so that by the end of it, they all feel free to play characters of any race or gender, and the show ends with Jim playing Huck, Huck playing Polly and Polly playing Tom. ADDED ROLES The play was written for a cast of five: three females and two males. If a larger cast is desired—adding actors to play King, Duke, or Militia, for example—the gender and ethnicity of the additional characters is at the discretion of the director.
36 Lit on Fire
SCENE—A REHEARSAL FOR THE SCHOOL PLAY (Lights up on AUNT POLLY.) POLLY: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, also known as Huck Finn, by Mark Twain, also known as Samuel Clemens, American humorist 1835 to 1910. The end. (She starts to leave, but comes back.) Of the title, I mean. The play is just starting. (Awkward silence.) I play Aunt Polly— (Enter HUCKLEBERRY FINN, with his script.) HUCK: Hey, I can't say this. POLLY: You have to say it, you're Huckleberry Finn. Where's your hat? (She puts his hat on him.) HUCK: No, I mean, this word. I don't think I can say this in school [in public]. (JIM bursts in.) JIM: I'll say it. Let me be Huck. POLLY: Jim, I told you, you can't be Huckleberry Finn. JIM: Why not? POLLY: Because you're already Jim! JIM: I don't want to be Jim. He spends half the book tied up on a raft. (Enter WIDOW DOUGLAS and MISS WATSON.) WIDOW DOUGLAS: You read the book? Why would you do that? It makes the rest of us look bad. MISS WATSON: I don't understand why Miss Watson has to dress like an old lady time traveler.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. HKFN by Jeff Goode 37
POLLY: All right, stop it, all of you! (To Jim:) You have to be Jim. (To Watson and Douglas:) And you two have to read the book. (To Huck:) And you... What word is giving you trouble? HUCK: (Pointing in the script:) This one. POLLY: Oh, for Pete's sake! HUCK: And it's all over the place. It's on, like, every page. POLLY: "Nigerian"? You can't say "Nigerian"? HUCK: I don't think that's how it's pronounced. POLLY: It's where they come from. It's a real place. People from Nigeria are called Nigerians. HUCK: (Shaking his head:) Nuh uh. Nope. I can't do this. I have to quit. (He exits.) POLLY: Huck, come back here! You can't quit! We already started! JIM: Can I play Huck now? POLLY: No! Now nobody gets to be Huckleberry Finn! WATSON & DOUGLAS: Why not? POLLY: Because he took the hat! (She throws up her hands and storms out, followed by the others.)
SCENE—ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL (If a unit set is required, this scene can be played in the auditorium, as the actors are leaving the rehearsal to go home.) (Huck storms in from the dressing room, on his way home. Jim runs after him.) JIM: Hey, Huck, wait up! I'm coming with you. I quit the play, too.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 38 Lit on Fire
HUCK: What? Why? JIM: Because after you left, they still wouldn't even let me play Huck. (Enter the Girls who played Widow Douglas and Miss Watson as themselves. But we shall call them KING and DUKE. They drag in a bag of props.) DUKE: Hey, are you guys really quitting? We wanna quit, too. KING: She's being all bossy and won't let us do anything fun. JIM: We should start our own show so we can be whoever we want to be. KING: We stole a bunch of props. We could do Shakespeare. (Puts on a wig.) O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? DUKE: I always wanted to play Hamlet, Duke of Denmark. (Draws a sword.) To be or not to be! That is the bare bodkin! KING: Ha! If you're the Duke of Denmark, I'm Martin Luther King. DUKE: If you say so. (Bowing to King:) Your Majesty. KING: (Bowing to Duke:) Your Majesty. JIM: I'm gonna be a robot. (Jim robots around.) KING: Hey, I know! Let's plan a heist! DUKE: We'll need disguises. (Hands Huck a wig.) Here, put this on. HUCK: Why?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. HKFN by Jeff Goode 39
KING: You could be a poor little orphan girl. DUKE: Whose parents have died suddenly and tragically! KING: But then at the funeral it is secretly revealed that I am your long lost uncle William from England. Pip pip! Cheerio! And in his will, your father left us all of his riches to split between us. (Melodramatically:) Oh my poor dead brother! How could this tragically have happened? DUKE: And I'm your other uncle. Harvey. From Harvard. And I want some riches, too! (Melodramatically:) Oh my poor dead sister! Curse the day that she ever set foot on that ill- fated river boat! JIM: Can I be somebody's uncle? (The Girl who played Aunt Polly storms in as herself.) POLLY: No, you're nobody's uncle! (To King and Duke:) And neither are you! JIM: (Trying to cover:) Tom Sawyer's Aunt Polly? What are YOU doing here at the funeral home? POLLY: You can't just be what you want to be and make stuff up and do whatever. DUKE: It's a free country! POLLY: No, it's 1845, and this is a play. With historical accuracy. There are rules and lines, and you have to do what you're told. Now knock it off, all of you, and get back in the play! HUCK: No! My conniving uncles are right! It's a free country. And if I want to give away all my riches and run off to New Orleans, you can't stop me! POLLY: I'm warning you! HUCK: From now on, we're gonna make our own rules and if you don't like it...too bad!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 40 Lit on Fire
POLLY: All right, fine! But two can play at this game! (She storms out.) KING: Hooray! We did it! DUKE: Now we can do whatever we want! JIM: So can I be Huck now? HUCK: (Shrugs.) It's a free country. (Jim puts on the Huck hat.) KING: I know! Let's tell people that "Jim" is an escaped criminal and turn him in for the reward! (Duke and King turn to Huck, grinning malevolently. Huck suddenly realizes that he is Jim now.) HUCK: Wait, what? DUKE: Quick, get him! Tie him up! (Duke and King pull some rope out of the prop bag.) HUCK: (Fleeing:) I'm not Jim! I'm not playing! Let go of me! (King and Duke chase Huck around the stage and off. There is lots of yelling and crashing around. Jim is not entirely comfortable with this.) JIM: Guys? Come on, leave him alone. If he doesn't want to be Jim, he doesn't have to. (King and Duke return with the Boy who used to be Huck tied up in a gunny sack.) KING: All right, we're going into town to collect the reward. DUKE: You stay here and guard the prisoner till we get back. (They exit.) HUCK: Help! JIM: I don't know how I feel about this.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. HKFN by Jeff Goode 41
HUCK: Argh! Come on! Let me out of here! JIM: (To himself:) What would Huckleberry Finn do? HUCK: You're not Huck Finn! This is all just pretend! It isn't real! JIM: Look, I understand how you feel. But I'll tell you what's real: This is my big chance to play a starring role for a change, and I'm not gonna mess it up, because you don't want to wear a bag for a couple minutes. Now I'm gonna find a way to help you, but you gotta calm down and let me think. (Enter the Girl who used to play Aunt Polly and is now dressed like TOM SAWYER. She sticks a gun finger in Jim's back.) TOM: Hold it right there, varmint! Turn around real slow and put your hands in the air. (He does.) JIM: (Baffled:) Who are you supposed to be? TOM: What's the matter, Huck? Don't you recognize your ole pal Tom Sawyer? HUCK: You can't be Tom Sawyer! You're already Aunt Polly. TOM: I'm making my own rules, too! And lucky for you, because I've come up with an elaborate plan to bust Jim out of prison. JIM: You hear that, Jim? You're gonna be free! HUCK: I was free before you all put me in this bag!
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
HIPSTER VAN WINKLE by Abigail Taylor-Sansom
CAST OF CHARACTERS RIP VAN WINKLE, male, a ne'er-do-well turned social media icon. MILDRED VAN WINKLE, female, his nagging wife. KOSI'I, female, a Brooklyn hipster. SHADOWY FIGURES HIPSTERS The same actress plays Mildred Van Winkle and Kosi'i. Shadowy Figures and Hipsters are played by an ensemble. The ensemble must have at least five actors for speaking roles but may be as large as desired.
SETTING Brooklyn, 1938.
NOTES The song "Ain't We Got Fun" (music by Richard A. Whiting, lyrics by Raymond B. Egan and Gus Kahn, 1921) used in this work is in the public domain. For learning or rehearsal purposes only, recordings of the song are plentiful on YouTube and iTunes. When an actor sees the notation [current year] in the dialogue, he or she should say the present-day year of the production. Alternatives for certain references are also in brackets. For example: Can I take a pic of you for my Instagram [blog/ page]?
Hipster Van Winkle by Abigail Taylor-Sansom 43
(Brooklyn, 1938. RIP VAN WINKLE, a starry-eyed dreamer, sits on the edge of the stage, singing. He accompanies himself with two wooden spoons on the back of two overturned pots.) RIP: (Singing:) EVERY MORNIN' EVERY EVENIN' AIN'T WE GOT FUN? NOT MUCH MONEY OH, BUT HONEY AIN'T WE GOT FUN? (MILDRED enters. She is not pleased. Rip looks at her with oblivious enthusiasm.) Come on! Sing with me, baby doll! (Singing again:) THE RENT'S UNPAID, DEAR— MILDRED: (Interjecting between lines of the song:) It certainly is. RIP: (Singing:) AND WE HAVEN'T A BUS— MILDRED: Rip, please— RIP: (Singing:) BUT SMILES WERE MADE, DEAR FOR PEOPLE LIKE US— MILDRED: You seem to be the only one smiling here— RIP: (Singing:) IN THE WINTER, IN THE SUMMER DON'T WE HAVE FUN? MILDRED: Nope. RIP: (Singing:) TIMES ARE BUM AND GETTING BUMMER STILL WE HAVE FUN. MILDRED: Speak for yourself, sweetheart. RIP: (Singing:) THERE'S NOTHING SURE THE RICH GET RICH AND THE POOR GET POORER
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 44 Lit on Fire
IN THE MEANTIME, IN BETWEEN TIME AIN'T WE GOT FUN? (Exasperated, Mildred takes the spoons away from him.) MILDRED: (Mockingly:) Wait a second! Wasn't that you on the Grand Ole Opry last week? RIP: It's the latest thing. Folk instruments. MILDRED: I see. RIP: We're in a Depression. Ingenuity is critical. MILDRED: You know what else is critical? Making some dough. Think you could manage that today? RIP: I'll see if I can fit it into my busy schedule. MILDRED: (Dryly:) Thank you, Rip. What would I do without you? (Rip stands and tries to plant a kiss on her cheek. Mildred walks right past him.) RIP: What can I say? My baby loves me. MILDRED: Judy and Tommy said they're looking for people at the Finco Factory at Leonard and Scholes in Williamsburg. Go straight there, you got it? No stopping along the way. RIP: Absolutely, my darling! No stopping along the way. I'll go straight to Leopold and Shoe. MILDRED: Oh, for cryin' out loud, Rip! Leonard and Scholes! RIP: That's what I said, honey bunch. You can count on me! MILDRED: Sure I can. (As she exits:) Go straight there, Rip Van Winkle! (Rip waits until she is gone, then crosses the stage.) RIP: (Conspiratorially:) Just one quick stop along the way. After all, a little game of bowling never hurt anyone.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Hipster Van Winkle by Abigail Taylor-Sansom 45
(Rip enters the bowling alley and sits down in an empty seat. He looks around.) Slow day, huh? (A half-eaten pastrami sandwich and a bottle of root beer sit on the table in front of him. He shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite of the sandwich.) (Mouth full:) Waste not, want not, I always say. (Chugging the root beer:) I wonder where the guys are. (Yawning:) What a day. All that musical elbow grease must have worn me out. (Rip begins to doze off. Once he is asleep, several SHADOWY FIGURES in old-fashioned clothes of various periods enter. One by one, they inspect the sleeping Rip. Suddenly, there is a loud noise, like that of a car starting, and the Shadowy Figures vanish. The noise continues on to a series of progressively modern sounds: a 1950's air raid siren, an electric guitar, a synthesizer, a modem making a dialup connection, an AOL "You've Got Mail" alert, and a smartphone ringtone. At the last sound, Rip awakes with a start. KOSI'I, the definitive stereotype of a Brooklyn hipster girl, complete with huge glasses and an unnecessary hat, enters. She looks exactly like Mildred [because she is played by the same actress]. Rip sees her and jumps up.) I can explain everything! I had to go in that bowling alley! There was a baby and two nuns on fire in there, or I would have walked right by, I swear! KOSI'I: (Confused:) I'm sorry… RIP: Oh, no, Mildred, I'm the one who's sorry— KOSI'I: Who's Mildred? RIP: You. You are. You're Mildred. Don't you remember? KOSI'I: My name is Kosi'i. I work here. RIP: Are you sure?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 46 Lit on Fire
KOSI'I: Last time I checked. What are you doing here anyway? We don't open 'til five. RIP: I feel asleep, and— KOSI'I: Oh. Rough night. No worries. You can chill here. RIP: (Unsure of what it means to "chill":) Um. Thank you. I guess… What did you say your name was? KOSI'I: Kosi'i. RIP: Crostini? KOSI'I: Kosi'i. It's Maori. RIP: I'm sorry. I don't know what that is. KOSI'I: It's a tribe in New Zealand. I spent my alternative spring break with them four years ago. I asked one of the elders to give me a new Maori name, and he called me Kosi'i. RIP: Oh. What does it mean? KOSI'I: Well, actually, I kind of, sort of found out later from a friend that it translates to "doorknob," but by then, it was too late. Maybe I wasn't as tight with them as I thought. I just tell people it means "goddess of the harvest," and they usually buy it. I mean, who speaks Maori, am I right? What's your name, by the way? RIP: Rip. KOSI'I: Love it. Hey, you don't look familiar. Have you been here before? RIP: Lots, but don't tell my old lady. KOSI'I: She's high maintenance, huh? RIP: Well, you know, I'm currently unemployed— KOSI'I: This is Williamsburg. Who isn't? Milk the P.U.'s 'til they cut you off.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Hipster Van Winkle by Abigail Taylor-Sansom 47
RIP: The P.U.'s? KOSI'I: Parental units. RIP: I'm thirty years old. Why would I be relying on my folks? KOSI'I: We're in a recession. RIP: Depression. KOSI'I: Recession. Oh, whatever. It's [current year]. Can't we just stop judging already? We're all doing the best we can— Wait, that's an amazing hashtag. Don't you love it? #werealljustdoingthebestwecan RIP: Excuse me, Gristedes, I'm confused. Did you just say it's [current year]? KOSI'I: Yeah. So? RIP: How sure are you about that? KOSI'I: Um. Pretty sure. RIP: Well. In that case, I'm going to need to make a phone call. Is there a phone I could— KOSI'I: (Pulling out her cell phone:) Here you go. (Rip takes the phone cautiously and touches the screen. It lights up. He screams and drops the phone, running away.) You okay? RIP: I think I broke it. I'm sorry. KOSI'I: Wow, dude, you are so hipster. I can't believe you don't know how to use a phone. What, do you, like, churn your own butter, too? RIP: Huh? KOSI'I: I'll dial for you. What's the number? RIP: Sterling 3-8429. KOSI'I: Sorry?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 48 Lit on Fire
RIP: Sterling 3-8429. KOSI'I: That's not a phone number. RIP: Oh. My mistake. (Frantic:) I'll just, uh… I'll just go pay a visit to— Um. It was nice to meet you, Parcheesi. KOSI'I: Kosi'i. See you around. (Rip crosses downstage and out of the bowling alley.) RIP: (Under his breath:) See you later, looney toon! Parental units? The Maori? Give me a break. (Rip freezes as he looks up at the buildings around him. Two HIPSTERS walk past.) Excuse me! Excuse me! How long has that building been there? HIPSTER 1: Oh, I don't know. Forty, fifty years. RIP: (Muttering in disbelief:) Forty, fifty… You said… Forty… And that one over there? HIPSTER 2: About the same. (Rip turn around and looks up again, disoriented.) HIPSTER 1: Love your bowtie. Is the fabric sustainably sourced? RIP: Um. Maybe? HIPSTER 2: Can I take a pic of you for my Instagram [blog/ page]? RIP: Um. Yes? HIPSTER 2: This is gonna get so many likes. (Holding the phone up to take a photo:) Can you, like, pretend like that you're sad about something, but like you still kinda wanna get some action tonight at the
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Hipster Van Winkle by Abigail Taylor-Sansom 49 same time? You know, like that guy in that movie with that girl with the bangs? It's indie. You know the one. Perfect. (Putting the phone back in his/her bag:) If you want to follow me, my username is billyburgstreetstyle. RIP: Nice to meet you, billyburgstreetstyle. HIPSTER 2: Thanks for the pic. (They start to walk away, and Rip physically follows them. They stop and give him a dirty look. He turns away, and they exit.) RIP: I guess in [current year], follow doesn't mean what I think it does. (Meandering around the stage:) Wow! "Coming Soon: Whole Foods." I wonder if there's a Half Foods… Artisanal paper clips… Organic facials for dogs. Golly Pete! (Rip crosses upstage to the bowling alley. Kosi'i is there with other Hipsters.) KOSI'I: Hey! You're back. (Addressing the group:) You guys, this is Rip. He's like one of my best friends. RIP: What? But we just met. KOSI'I: You're so hilarious. Isn't he hilarious? HIPSTER 3: OMG, I totally saw you on Instagram [his/her blog, his/her page] today! HIPSTER 4: Love your suspenders. Vintage? RIP: No. HIPSTER 3: Vintage is so over, anyway. RIP: Oh. Thanks?
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
MOBY (NO LAST NAME GIVEN) by Arthur M. Jolly
CAST OF CHARACTERS ISHMAEL, female, a young girl going to sea for the first time. AHAB, male, an old crusty sea captain. STARBUCK, female, a sailor. QUEEQEG, female, a sailor. MOBY, male or female, a whale—can be a single actor or formed by several actor/dancers. Other SAILORS and DANCERS can be added.
SETTING The Pequod.
TIME 1848. Mostly.
NOTE The songs are from 18th century sea shanties, in the public domain. Recordings and music are available from the author, or easily found online.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT Moby (No Last Name Given) premiered August 4, 2006, at The Coop Theatre Company, Los Angeles, California. Directed by Danielle Ozymandias. Cast: ISHMAEL………………………………………..Christy Buccholz CAPTAIN AHAB…………………………………….Scott Gerard STARBUCK………………………………………...... Silvia Spross QUEEQEG……………………………………...... Jeni Bartiromo MOBY……………………………………...... John Frank Musicians: BODHRAN……………………………………...... Rachel Parsons LUTE GUITAR……………………………………Arthur M. Jolly
52 Lit on Fire
(A large anchor, a mast and a wooden barrel serve to suggest an 18th century sailing ship.) ISHMAEL: (To the audience:) Call me...Ish. For short. All my friends do. Or Ishy. The Ishmeister. Isharino—I'm casual. Some years ago, having little money in my purse—or brains in my head—I thought I would try my hand at sailing. It was too small and kept sinking, so I decided to try a boat instead. To this end, I enrolled myself aboard the Pequod, and set sail from Nantucket Harbor as a whaling lass. (CAPTAIN AHAB enters. Various sailors including STARBUCK and QUEEQEG enter. The sailors do nautical things in the background.) AHAB: Avast! Ish, ye say? ISHMAEL: Aye. You must be...Captain Ahab? AHAB: 'Tis true, by the powers. ISHMAEL: But... But I heard you'd lost a leg. AHAB: Aye. Lost it to a white whale! ISHMAEL: But you haven't lost a leg. AHAB: It was chewed off and devoured by the most monstrous parmacetti that ever swam the seven seas. That be the beast I'm searching for! ISHMAEL: But you didn't lose a leg. AHAB: Yes, I did. ISHMAEL: I dislike to call you a liar, sir, but I clearly see you have two fine legs. AHAB: I used to have three. ISHMAEL: What?! AHAB: I was speaking metaphoric, like. ISHMAEL: Your third leg...you—you were unmanned?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Moby (No Last Name Given) by Arthur M. Jolly 53
AHAB: Aye! And rather uncomfortable it was, too. Since then, I've shunned the world of men, and hired a crew of women to search the seven seas for the great white whale—Moby. ISHMAEL: You mean Moby D— AHAB: Don't say it! I'll not hear that word spoken in me presence. ISHMAEL: Still a little sensitive about it? AHAB: I've dedicated my life to finding that beast—and when I do, I'll plunge me harpoon into her blubber—over and over again! ISHMAEL: Wow. That's quite an issue you've got there. Allegorical, almost. AHAB: Starbuck! Weigh the anchor! STARBUCK: (Heaving on the chain:) About six hundred pounds, Cap'n. AHAB: What an idiot. ISHMAEL: Starbuck? AHAB: The first mate of the Pequod. (To the audience:) That's actually where they got the name. ISHMAEL: They don't need to know that. AHAB: Arr, and she brews up a fine cup of...rum. (All the sailors cheer Huzzah! at the word "rum.") Avast me hearties! Haul sail! Cast off! Purl one, knit two together! We're puttin' to sea me buckos, and devil take the hindmost! ISHMAEL: So I have the job? AHAB: Well—art thou the lass to pitch a harpoon down a live whale's throat and then jump in after it? Answer quick!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 54 Lit on Fire
ISHMAEL: (Quickly:) No. AHAB: Oh. Well, can ye haul a hundredweight of blubber over the side of the ship as she pitches in rough seas? ISHMAEL: In rough seas? AHAB: Aye, the roughest! The waves round the horn will toss us to and fro, to and fro like a rubber duckie in the bathtub of an angry God. ISHMAEL: I think the only thing going over the side of the ship then would be my breakfast. AHAB: Let me see your hands... Oh! Ye have the soft hands of an actor or some such lily liver. ISHMAEL: The others didn't fit. AHAB: Ye've never lashed yerself to a mizzenmast in a howlin' nor'easter, I'll warrant. ISHMAEL: No, but I once got my head stuck in a bicycle frame. Two and a half days, they had to get the fire department to come and...never mind. AHAB: Then why did ye sign the ship's articles, lass? What sends ye whaling? ISHMAEL: It's just...I hate whales. I hate them. Those stupid, blubbery, floating around, self-indulgent smug-faced krill- eating fat jerks with all their sycophantic hippie save-the- planet peacenik eco-terrorist Generation X-er groupies. Greenpeace? Get a job! AHAB: Spoken like a true Japanese scientific researcher. (To them all:) Haul yer lines, ladies—and full speed ahead! (The sailors break into a song and dance number to the 18th c. sea shanty "The Shores of Peru.") SAILORS, ET AL: IT WAS EARLY ONE MORNIN' JUST AS THE SUN ROSE,
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Moby (No Last Name Given) by Arthur M. Jolly 55
A MAN ON THE FOREMAST CRIED OUT: THERE SHE BLOWS! ROW AWAY SAYS OUR CAPTAIN, AND WHERE DOES SHE LAY, THREE POINTS TO THE EAST'ARD, NOT A MILE AWAY. AND IT'S LOWER YOUR BOATS ME BOYS, AND AFTER HIM TRAVEL, STEER CLEAR OF HIS FLUKES OR HE'LL FLIP YOU TO THE DEVIL, LAY ON WITH THEM OARS BOYS, AND MAKE YOUR BOATS FLY THE ONE THING WE'RE DREAD OF, STEER CLEAR OF HIS EYE. HE RACED AND HE SOUNDED, HE TWIST AND HE SPIN, BUT WE GOT ALONGSIDE AND WE PUT A LANCE IN, WHICH CAUSED HIM TO VOMIT AND THE BLOOD FOR TO SPOUT, AND IN TEN MINUTES TIME ME BOYS, HE ROLLED BOTH FINS OUT. NOW WE'RE BOUND FOR OLD THOMAS, IN OUR MANLY BOWER, WHERE A MAN BUYS A BAWDHOUSE FOR A BARREL OF FLOUR, WE'LL SPEND ALL OUR MONEY ON THEM PRETTY GIRLS ASHORE, AND WHEN IT'S ALL GONE ME BOYS—WE'LL GO WHALIN' FOR MORE. (The song ends with Starbuck at the mast.) STARBUCK: Thar she blows! ISHMAEL: Gesundheit! QUEEQEG: 'Tis the great white whale, Cap'n! As white as a bedsheet! STARBUCK: So not very white then.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 56 Lit on Fire
QUEEQEG: What mean you by that? STARBUCK: I've seen your bedsheets. QUEEQEG: What dost thou want—I be a simple sailor. STARBUCK: (To Ishmael:) Calls herself a sailor? She has Star Wars bedsheets! AHAB: 'Tis the white whale! 'Tis Moby herself! After her! (Everyone freezes in tableau. Ishmael steps forward.) ISHMAEL: (To the audience:) Her whole body formed a high arch, like...like a huge powdered donut getting dunked in blue coffee. STARBUCK: (Still in tableau:) Mmmm...coffee. AHAB: (Still in tableau:) Shhh. ISHMAEL: Slowly, waving her bannered flukes in the air, the grand god revealed herself, sounded and plunged out of sight. AHAB: (Still in tableau:) Who are ye talkin' to? ISHMAEL: For three days, we chased her. (The tableau unfreezes.) AHAB: After her! QUEEQEG: It is not too late—even now, even the third day— to desist. Moby seeks thee not, it is thou! Thou, that madly seekest her!
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
WHO REMEMBERS ÉPONINE'S SISTER? by Rex McGregor
CAST OF CHARACTERS MUCHE, small preteen girl, until yesterday a happy street urchin, now suffering from charity and employment. AZELMA THÉNARDIER, teenage girl, an apprentice milliner, determined to be respectable despite her family's criminal background. COSETTE, wealthy teenage girl, straightforward and easy- going.
SETTING A millinery shop in Paris.
TIME 1830.
PRONUNCIATION GUIDE French words generally have the stress on the last syllable. In the following guide, "uh" rhymes with "the." Azelma uh-zal-MUH Cosette ko-ZET Éponine ay-po-NEEN Madame muh-DAHM Mademoiselle muh-mwuh-ZAL Muche moosh Thénardier tay-nard-YAY Zelma zal-MUH
NOTE The Bechdel test asks whether a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. Who Remembers Éponine's Sister? goes even further. It never mentions any males at all.
Who Remembers Éponine's Sister? by Rex McGregor 59
(A millinery shop in Paris. Hat racks display several spectacular hats with red, white and blue cockades.) (MUCHE is bored as she sweeps the floor with a large broom. After checking she is unobserved, she balances the handle on her fingertip or performs other tricks.) (AZELMA comes in with needle and thread. During the following, she makes adjustments to a hat.) AZELMA: Morning, Muche. MUCHE: Likewise. AZELMA: How are you getting on? MUCHE: All right, I guess. AZELMA: Remember Madame's rules. What are the three things a shop girl needs to be? MUCHE: Cheerful. Polite. And… AZELMA: Most importantly… MUCHE: Um… AZELMA: Honest. MUCHE: I was gettin' there. AZELMA: Let's try again. How are you settling in? MUCHE: Exceptionally well, mademoiselle. Will that be all? AZELMA: Save the cheerfulness and courtesy for the customers. But always be honest. MUCHE: I am. I've settled like concrete. Feel like I been stuck in this job for years. AZELMA: You only started yesterday. MUCHE: I ain't cut out for hard labor. AZELMA: You should be grateful Madame took pity on you.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 60 Lit on Fire
MUCHE: Don't get me wrong. I love the meals. And the bed. But this work lark—it's the pits. AZELMA: Would you rather still be out in the street? In misery and squalor? MUCHE: It warn't so bad. I was less miserable than I am now. AZELMA: You're learning a trade here, Muche. MUCHE: I had a trade. An easier one. You don't get blisters from pickin' pockets. AZELMA: You could land in prison, though. Like my sister. MUCHE: She's only in for a short stint. She'll be out soon. AZELMA: Not before she's learnt her lesson, I hope. MUCHE: You're mean, Zelma. AZELMA: I won't deny her absence is to my advantage. When she's around, no one pays any attention to me. It's always "Éponine and Azelma." I come last. If at all. Some people don't even know I exist. MUCHE: Éponine's vicious. She pinched my arm. See? I've still got the bruise. AZELMA: What she does has nothing to do with me. I aim to be respectable. MUCHE: What's "respectable"? AZELMA: Not having a family that makes you cringe. MUCHE: Least you've got a family. AZELMA: Would you like one? Take mine. They're all crooks. MUCHE: Don't let Madame find out. AZELMA: I've already told her. She appreciated my honesty. MUCHE: You're both real saints.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Who Remembers Éponine's Sister? by Rex McGregor 61
AZELMA: She's glad to help me better myself. One day I'll have my own shop. MUCHE: Sounds like hard work. AZELMA: You needn't worry. I won't hire lazy, uncommitted staff. MUCHE: I'm not lazy. I just like fun. Out in the street you can find things like…this! (Muche takes a large dead rat out of her apron and dangles it by the tail. Azelma squeals.) AZELMA: Throw that thing away! MUCHE: Not on your life! You just proved its value. AZELMA: At least put it away. MUCHE: Sure. Gotta keep it a surprise. (Muche puts the rat back in her apron.) AZELMA: My shop will be vermin-free. No rats. Or urchins. (A shop doorbell tinkles.) MUCHE: Cheer up, Zelma. Here comes a customer. (COSETTE comes in.) AZELMA: Good morning, mademoiselle. COSETTE: Hello. I wonder if you can help. My society friends keep teasing me about my bonnet. I need to show them I can be fashionable. AZELMA: You've come to the right place. (Indicating the hats:) Patriotic Revolutionary. The latest craze. COSETTE: Perfect. Would it inconvenience you if I buy several? AZELMA: Not in the least. We can easily restock. COSETTE: Then I'll take all of these if I may.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 62 Lit on Fire
AZELMA: Certainly, mademoiselle. Muche. Please fetch some boxes. MUCHE: "Certainly, mademoiselle." (Muche goes out, leaving her broom.) (Cosette puts a hat on.) COSETTE: Forgive my sudden extravagance. I've spent the last six years at a convent school. AZELMA: You have my deepest commiserations. COSETTE: Thank you. Mother Superior told me to be wary of the outside world. But everyone's so kind. AZELMA: Except your society friends. COSETTE: Oh, they have to bully me. It's an ancient tradition. AZELMA: We've just had a second revolution. Things are supposed to have changed. COSETTE: Not us refined young ladies. Our clothes may be up to the minute, but we're stuffy old stick-in-the-muds. (Muche comes back in, balancing a tall pile of boxes in front of her.) AZELMA: Muche. Stop showing off. MUCHE: I managed to pick 'em up. But I can't put 'em down! COSETTE: Let me give you a hand. (Cosette takes the boxes and puts them down.) AZELMA: You don't have to do that, mademoiselle. MUCHE: She's allowed. AZELMA: I'll calculate the bill. You start packing. COSETTE: Righto. (Cosette starts packing hats in boxes.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Who Remembers Éponine's Sister? by Rex McGregor 63
AZELMA: I didn't mean you, mademoiselle. COSETTE: It's no trouble. MUCHE: Don't tell me you enjoy work. COSETTE: It's a novelty for me. MUCHE: If you're after a novelty, would you like to see what's in my apron? COSETTE: I'd love to. AZELMA: Muche! Don't you dare! MUCHE: Madame said, "Always grant a customer's request." (Muche takes out the rat out and dangles it in Cosette's face.) COSETTE: What a whopper! How did you die, sweetheart? Tucking into too many food scraps? (Cosette kisses the rat.) AZELMA: You're not shrieking. MUCHE: This must be faulty. (Disappointed, Muche puts the rat away.) AZELMA: Refined young ladies usually shriek. COSETTE: Er… The nuns taught me to love all God's creatures. AZELMA: If you say so. COSETTE: That was such fun. But I must finish packing. (Azelma watches Cosette suspiciously as Cosette and Muche pack the hats.) MUCHE: You're gonna have a mission carryin' all these. AZELMA: With an order this size we will of course deliver. COSETTE: Lovely.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 64 Lit on Fire
AZELMA: Muche. You like balancing things. You carry them. MUCHE: How far away do you live? COSETTE: About a twenty-minute walk. MUCHE: Piece o' cake. COSETTE: I'm happy to send for our carriage. MUCHE: Don't bother. I'm dyin' to get out o' the shop. I can't stand bein' cooped up when the sun's shinin'. COSETTE: That must be hard for a shop assistant. MUCHE: I hate my job. COSETTE: Why don't you leave? MUCHE: If only I could! But I'm hooked on the food. And the bed. (Muche groans and picks up a box.) COSETTE: Here. I'll carry some. AZELMA: Refined young ladies don't carry parcels through the streets. COSETTE: I knew that. MUCHE: Pile 'em up. (Muche holds a box. Cosette puts others on top.) COSETTE: You won't be able to see where you're going. MUCHE: Is she allowed to guide me, Zelma? AZELMA: Not if she's a refined young lady.
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
THE WAR ON LITTLE WOMEN by Laura King
CAST OF CHARACTERS MEG, oldest sister (mid to late teens), prim and proper. JO, second sister (mid to late teens), adventuresome and tomboyish. BETH, third sister (mid teens), gentle and sickly. AMY, youngest sister (early teens), childish and conceited.
SETTING The living room of the sisters' home during the American Civil War.
66 Lit on Fire
(Lights up on a cozy living room. MEG is knitting. AMY is drawing. BETH is darning socks.) AMY: Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents. (JO enters dressed in full male military gear. She grabs the fireplace poker. As she yells, the other sisters throw up their instruments [knitting needles, darning egg, drawing pencils] in surprise. Beth faints.) JO: Christopher Columbus! Presents! You're worried about presents at a time like this. Don't you know there's a war on? MEG: Oh, for heaven's sake, Jo. You nearly scared us to death. And don't say "Christopher Columbus." It's so boyish. AMY: Why do you have to be so dramatical? MEG: Are you all right, Beth? AMY: She's always fainting. BETH: Don't mind me. I'm fine. (Jo rushes around securing the room.) JO: You're not fine. None of us are fine. They're coming for us. AMY: What's she going on about, Meg? MEG: Oh, you know Jo. She sees trouble around every corner. BETH: Are you talking about Papa's war, Jo? The Civil War? JO: I'm talking about our war. The war on little women. BETH: Are we in danger? JO: More danger than you'll ever know. BETH: Oh dear. (Beth faints. Meg tends to her.) MEG: Jo, you've got to stop this. Look at poor Beth. BETH: (Awakening:) Don't mind me. I'm fine.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The War on Little Women by Laura King 67
JO: I'm doing this for Beth and for both of you. MEG: Doing what? JO: Protecting you from the enemy! AMY: The confederates? JO: Men! MEG: I knew it. This is all because John Brooke has been paying attention to me. AMY: I wish somebody would pay attention to me. MEG: Give it time. JO: It's about Brooke and Laurie and all the other men who want to make good wives out of us. MEG: And what's wrong with that? AMY: Yes, why do you have to be so problematical, Jo? JO: I'm not the problem, they are. They're going to break in here and take us hostage, dragging us back to their lairs for lives of housework and babies. I don't know about the rest of you, but that's not my plan. MEG: And what exactly is your plan? JO: I plan to be astonishing. BETH: You already are, Jo. AMY: I want to be astonishing, too. MEG: Settle down, Amy. AMY: Please, Meg. Please be astonishing with us. MEG: Well, I would like to have a lovely house full of all sorts of luxurious things, heaps of money, and plenty of servants. JO: More likely you'll end up with a husband bossing you around and children needing all your attention. You'll never have a minute's peace.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 68 Lit on Fire
AMY: I want to be a famous artist. JO: Until some roving Romeo shows up and sweeps you off your feet. Then the only thing you'll end up painting is your kitchen walls. AMY: Well, what's your plan? JO: I want to write books and get rich and famous. BETH: I just want us all to be together. JO: We won't be together if the men have their way. AMY: I want to be together, too. Don't you, Meg? MEG: Yes, but— AMY: (Starting to cry:) Please, Meg. Let's help Jo. I don't want to be a house painter. MEG: Now, Amy, don't cry. (Meg rushes to Amy.) BETH: I don't know what I'd do if we weren't together. I feel faint. (Meg rushes to her.) AMY: (Continuing to wail:) This is catastrophical! (Meg rushes back to Amy.) BETH: Don't mind me. I'm fine. (Meg rushes back to Beth. A knock at the door.) JO: Everybody freeze. (The sisters freeze. Another knock at the door.) Hit the dirt! (All the sisters drop to the floor in unison. Jo crawls military style to the window and looks out.) MEG: (Whispering:) Who is it?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. The War on Little Women by Laura King 69
JO: It's John Brooke. MEG: (Starting to get up:) John! I wonder what he— JO: (Brandishing the fireplace poker at Meg:) Stay down! MEG: (Getting back down:) Sorry. JO: (Looking out the window again:) And Laurie's with him. AMY: I like Laurie. JO: We all like Laurie. But let's not forget, names aside, he's still a man. BETH: What are we going to do? (Another knock on the door.) JO: Arm yourselves, girls. (Meg, Beth, and Amy race around the room looking for weapons. Meg retrieves her knitting needles, Amy her drawing pencils, and Beth her darning egg. They hold them out like weapons.) MEG: We're ready, Jo. JO: Back me up, and we'll keep these wolves at bay. (Jo gives a loud battle cry and charges out the door.) AMY: (Screaming:) Oh, Meg. Whatever should we do? MEG: (Screaming:) Be quiet! I'm trying to think. BETH: I feel faint. (The sound of Jo in battle is heard. Meg and Amy run around in circles screaming. Beth faints. Jo reenters. She steps over Beth's body.) JO: It's done. AMY: Laurie? MEG: John? JO: I ran them off. They won't be coming back.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 70 Lit on Fire
(Meg and Amy start to cry.) MEG: Oh no, now we'll be old maids for sure. JO: But I thought that's what you wanted. Now we can be astonishing. (Meg and Amy cry harder. Beth awakens.) BETH: What happened? JO: I got rid of John and Laurie, and all these two niminy- piminy chits can do is cry. Come, come, now. We've said all along we wanted to be together forever and I've made it possible. BETH: Jo's right. Stop your crying now. Remember what father says. We're his little women, so stop acting like little babies. (Meg and Amy stop crying.) MEG: I'm sorry, Beth. AMY: Me too. BETH: Good girls. MEG: It's probably all for the best. Think of the things we can do now that we don't have to spend all our time thinking about men. AMY: I used to spend a gigantical amount of time thinking about men.
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
ODYSSEUS COMES HOME by Laura Lewis-Barr
CAST OF CHARACTERS ATHENA, goddess of wisdom, craft and war. Zeus's daughter, friend of Odysseus. ZEUS*, father of Athena, the top god. Likes to use his lightning bolt to show he's in charge. POSEIDON*, brother of Zeus. He has a monster son (Cyclops) who was wounded by Odysseus. ODYSSEUS, King of Ithaca. A strong, courageous warrior, famous for his cunning. He was at war for 10 years, and has been trying to get home for another 10 years. WIND*, ruled by Zeus. SIRENS**, half-bird-half-woman creatures with beautiful voices. They are responsible for many shipwrecks. PIGS**, sailors with Odysseus who were changed into pigs by a witch. SCYLLA and CHARBYDIS**, monsters who suck and devour sailing ships. CALYPSO*, a goddess who holds Odysseus captive for seven years in hopes of marrying him. TELEMACHUS, Odysseus's son. He hasn't seen his father in 20 years. PENELOPE, Odysseus's wife. Queen of Ithaca. She has been waiting for Odysseus for 20 years. SUITORS, 3 to 100*, men of Ithaca who are pressuring Penelope to marry one of them. EUMAEUS*, friend and servant to Odysseus. MELANTHIUS*, disloyal servant to Odysseus.
* Can be double cast with other roles. ** Could appear onstage or just make offstage sound effects.
SETTING An upper platform for "The Gods," and below them, a floor area painted to show the islands and the sea of Odysseus's journeys. A toy boat sits on the ocean. Other scenes can be created from a table, chairs, and a scrim for shadow puppets.
Odysseus Comes Home by Laura Lewis-Barr 73
(ATHENA, ZEUS and POSEIDON stand on the upper platform, looking down on "earth.") ATHENA: Father Zeus, isn't it time we let Odysseus go home? POSEIDON: Never! He hurt my boy. ZEUS: He destroyed the temples in Troy. He even said— (ODYSSEUS appears on the lower level.) ODYSSEUS: I don't need no stinking gods. (To the Gods:) Hey, I never said that! ATHENA: He's a loud-mouth and headstrong, but that's what we love about him, right? ODYSSEUS: Hey! When was I ever—? POSEIDON: Read the book. You're a big jerk. ZEUS: Which is why I sent the north wind to hurl you in the wrong direction. (WIND enters and uses a handheld fan to push the boat on the painted ocean to the Land of the Lotus Eaters. [If the boat doesn't cooperate, Wind can blow and use hands or a stick.] Wind will move boat to all locations.) POSEIDON: Good one, bro! ODYSSEUS: That was a dirty trick, that lotus! POSEIDON: Nonsense. Just a tasty snack. ODYSSEUS: It turned my men into slackers! I told them, "don't do drugs!" But once they had some lotus, I had to drag them back to the ship. ZEUS: Time you learned who's really in charge around here. (Signals to Wind to move boat.) Off you go to the Cyclops. POSEIDON: My poor Polyphemus!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 74 Lit on Fire
ODYSSEUS: That was just self-defense! He would have eaten me. Come on. You guys are being unreasonable. POSEIDON: Better than a sharp stick in the eye! ZEUS: Respect the Gods! You aren't the center of the universe! POSEIDON: You tell him! ODYSSEUS: Ever hear the grinding of bones and flesh? Super gross. My men. Stuck in some giant's belly! (He mimes picking up tiny people and makes ugly slurping sounds.) I'll eat you. And you and you! (Switching voices to a tiny squeak—acting as a crewman, looking up and punching at an invisible giant about to eat him:) No! No! No!! You have bad breath and I don't want to die!! (Back to himself:) So what could I do except defend myself and my men? We couldn't get out. (He mimes and grunts as if pushing against a huge stone.) POSEIDON: My son can't see! ODYSSEUS: If your brilliant one-eyed child hadn't blocked us in with a boulder, we could have left in peace. ZEUS: Really, it was very childish to call yourself "Nobody." ODYSSEUS: (Laughing and wandering as a blind, pained Cyclops:) Oh, woe is me! "Nobody" blinded me! "Nobody" has run away! ZEUS: (Directing Wind:) Ok. Then you got that bag of wind and you alllllllllllmmmmoooooost got home. But not quite. Back to the cannibals. ODYSSEUS: You are enjoying this!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Odysseus Comes Home by Laura Lewis-Barr 75
ZEUS: Then to Circe's island. (PIGS enter squealing.) ODYSSEUS: (Gesturing to different Pigs:) I always knew Frank was a swine but Jamie? Jamie, what happened to you? (Pigs continue squealing and running around. In answer to their squeals:) I'm sorry, Jamie, I do eat bacon. (Pigs squeal away.) ZEUS: Then to the Underworld! ATHENA: We get the idea, Dad. That's my point. You've pushed Odysseus around for ten years. It's time for him to go home! ZEUS: What else do I have going on? This is kind of fun. ATHENA: Dad! ZEUS: Ok. Ok. Let me just get us up to date. He goes past the Sirens. (Three seductive SIRENS enter and sing and beckon to Odysseus.) ODYSSEUS: (Plugging his ears, sings to himself:) La la la la la… I don't hear you! ZEUS: And between Scylla and Charybdis. (Two MONSTERS [a whirlpool monster and a six-headed sea monster] enter and make sounds of terrible screeching and sucking. Odysseus grabs the toy boat and inches between them as they both try to grab him.) (Watching him escape:) Ok, but then your crew ate the sacred cattle. Lame! ODYSSEUS: That was entrapment!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 76 Lit on Fire
ZEUS: (Motioning Wind:) And finally to lovely Calypso. (Sound of Calypso music. CALYPSO dances around Odysseus seductively.) ODYSSEUS: (To Calypso:) Listen. It's not you, it's me. We've had some good times, but I just want to go home. ATHENA: Right. It's been ten years. Enough. Let him go! ZEUS: That ok with you, bro? POSEIDON: No. Not really. ATHENA: Come on Uncle P! The prophecy says that Odysseus gets home, eventually… ODYSSEUS: No matter what I did? You mean I could have eaten some of those— (Athena gives Odysseus a look that shuts him up.) ZEUS: How about a thunderbolt, P? You've wanted one of mine for a while. POSEIDON: Whatever… (All exit except Athena. TELEMACHUS enters looking toward the platform.) TELEMACHUS: Great Goddess Athena. It is I, Telemachus, Odysseus's only son. You who have watched over my father for these ten years. Give me strength to deal with the freeloaders who are destroying our property. Help me to kick them out. Help me to claim my authority! (He holds up a candy bar.) Here's my offering to you. I really appreciate your help. (He holds for a beat then takes it back.) I know that's just symbolic and you don't mind if I take a bite. (He does.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Odysseus Comes Home by Laura Lewis-Barr 77
And one more thing, Goddess A. Could you help my mom with those suitors? She doesn't want to marry any of them. (Both exit as PENELOPE takes her place at a table and builds a Jenga statue. Behind her is a scrim with shadow hand puppets.) SUITOR PUPPET VOICE 1: Come on, Penny. Odysseus has shacked up with some Goddess somewhere. Time to pick a new husband. PENELOPE: Sure, just as soon as I finish this Jenga statue in honor of my father-in-law… (Penelope places pieces on the Jenga statue as puppets whisper with excitement.) SUITOR PUPPET VOICE 2: Looking good! Shouldn't be long now. SUITOR PUPPET VOICE 3: Good thing too, we are running out of food. (Penelope continues to place pieces and then intentionally knocks down the Jenga.) (All the puppets groan in frustration.) ALL PUPPETS: AHHHH! Now you have to start over. PENELOPE: Yeah. That's really terrible. (Penelope slowly starts a new Jenga statue. She hides her smile from the puppets behind her.) ODYSSEUS: (Entering with flourish:) Here I am to save the day! ATHENA: (Entering in disguise as a young shepherd:) Shhh!!!! Haven't you learned anything in ten years? ODYSSEUS: Crap. I forgot. Quick. I need a disguise. (Athena dresses Odysseus as an old beggar.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 78 Lit on Fire
Don't you have anything more dignified? I am the King after all. Couldn't you— (Seeing Athena's look:) Right. Humility. Humility. (Groans, hits himself in the head.) When am I going to learn to be more humble! (Athena points Odysseus toward a table, EUMAEUS moves to serve Odysseus many platters of food.) EUMAEUS: Sorry about the food. Those suitors have eaten everything in sight. Pretty soon they'll be eating the carpeting and the roof shingles! ODYSSEUS: (Large belch:) No. This was great. Thank you. EUMAEUS: (Placing cloak on Odysseus:) Here, take my cloak. You look cold. (Pointing offstage:) Hey. Look at that. A hawk. With a dove in its claws. A good omen for the house of Odysseus. ODYSSEUS: Hmmmmm. (Looks to Athena standing nearby. Whispers:) Now? (Athena shakes her head "no." Telemachus [with staff] walks past Odysseus.) Psst…Telemachus. TELEMACHUS: Hey old beggar man. What can I do for you? (Odysseus looks to Athena who nods.) ODYSSEUS: Hey son. I'm your dad. TELEMACHUS: What?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Odysseus Comes Home by Laura Lewis-Barr 79
(Odysseus takes off his disguise.) Dad! (They embrace.) ODYSSEUS: (Putting his disguise back on:) Ok son. We have to kill all the suitors. TELEMACHUS: But there are over a hundred of them! ODYSSEUS: No problem. I'm the great— (He looks to Athena who is shaking her head.) I mean, the Gods will help us. They can do anything. TELEMACHUS: But is it really right to kill them all? Isn't there another way? (Sound of goats. MELANTHIUS enters.) MELANTHIUS: Look—an old beggar man. Why don't you work for a living, you lazy scumbag? (Odyssey seethes. He looks to Athena who shakes her head.) You heard me, you gluttonous pig. You eat and eat and eat and never work. (Odyssey grabs the staff from Telemachus. He wants to strike at Melanthius but Athena shakes her head "no.") Nice fat pants you got there. You shop at Salvation Army, you bum?
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
COUNT SPATULA by Keegon Schuett
CAST OF CHARACTERS COUNT SPATULA, an evil vampire posing as a chef. VANESSA HELSING, a budding suburban vampire hunter. JONATHAN HARKENS, an aspiring scientist. MINA, hypnotized. LUCY, helpful, but vain. ELVIRA, a vampire lunch lady. AORTA, a vampire lunch lady. MARGE, an ordinary lunch lady.
Count Spatula by Keegon Schuett 81
(Outside the school cafeteria. Three teenagers enter. VANESSA, carrying a small bag of supplies, drags JONATHAN by the arm. They're followed by LUCY. He shakes loose.) JONATHAN: No, you lied to me! You said this was for the Science Club. VANESSA: This is about science! I have a scientific question: "Is Chef Spatula a vampire?" My hypothesis is "I can prove it." LUCY: You have to admit that your science fair project is boring, Jonathan. JONATHAN: It's not boring! It's about molecules. Your project is about kissing, Lucy. That's not science. LUCY: Is too. Ever heard of chemistry? JONATHAN: Romantic chemistry and scientific chemistry are different! VANESSA: Listen! Mina has been in the cafeteria alone with him for too long. I saw the comment you left on her photo. You two have romantic chemistry. JONATHAN: That's not even relevant. VANESSA: You wrote, "There are dark spots in the world and there are lights. You are one of the lights." LUCY: Aw, that's kind of sweet. Three different guys asked me out in the comments of my new profile photo. I'm still trying to pick, but who knows…maybe I'll get more comments tonight! JONATHAN: Enough! So you have a hypothesis—that's great but it's not proof. VANESSA: Oh, we don't have proof? One: He's from Transylvania. JONATHAN: Now that's just prejudiced, Vanessa. Not all Transylvanians are vampires and you know that.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 82 Lit on Fire
VANESSA: Two: He doesn't go out into the sun. Like ever. JONATHAN: Maybe he's afraid of melanoma. VANESSA: Three: He wears a cape. JONATHAN: I think that's just how he wears an apron. LUCY: Also I'm pretty sure when I saw Chef Spatula kissing the lunch lady's neck…he was biting her! She had like the worst hickey I've ever seen. VANESSA: So what do you say, Vice President of the Science Club…are you going to help us or are you chicken? JONATHAN: I'm not chicken! You're paranoid! You're just like your dad. VANESSA: Wow. Just wow. Do you know what my father did, Jon? Do you? LUCY: Mina could be getting a weird hickey right now! We don't have time for this. VANESSA: No, Lucy. We do. My father killed a vampire. And yes, he might have only been drinking raccoon blood. And yes, we might be a bit iffy on the evidence. But Mr. Nosferatu never came out into the sun, and he kept, like, impaling dead raccoons on his fence. JONATHAN: Gross. LUCY: Let's go! (She grabs Jonathan's arm and starts to pull. He shakes loose.) JONATHAN: No! I don't want to go in there. The cafeteria is scary. VANESSA: A lot of science is scary! Scary science is important too! LUCY: Just as important as kissing science!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Count Spatula by Keegon Schuett 83
JONATHAN: We don't know that he's a vampire! And even if we did, we don't know how to kill a vampire. VANESSA: Oh, we don't? Good thing I'm here. I've got everything we need. (She begins to pull items out of her bag.) Holy water, some wafers from a church, a wooden stake, and garlic bread. LUCY: Garlic bread? How is that gonna kill a vampire? VANESSA: I don't know, but if it doesn't work at least we'll have a delicious snack. (A blood-curdling scream! All three teens jump!) Here, you take the stake. JONATHAN: No, the stakes are too high, you keep it. VANESSA: Well, then take the garlic bread. (She tosses it at him. Lucy takes the remaining items. The three teens run inside the cafeteria, which is perhaps shrouded in crimson curtains. A tall, terrifying man in a chef's hat and a cape stands over a young woman. This is COUNT SPATULA and MINA. She holds a wooden spatula and a pot. Count Spatula looks at the children and stands regally.) COUNT SPATULA: Ahhh, velcome to my cafeteria, children of the night. LUCY: We heard a scream! VANESSA: I won't let you hurt Mina. COUNT SPATULA: Now, now, Miss Helsing. No need to worry. Mina and I vere just about to have a bite. JONATHAN: No! VANESSA: Don't bite her!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 84 Lit on Fire
MINA: (In a trance:) Bite me? Don't be silly. Chef Spatula was just giving me a cooking lesson. He's teaching me how to make his signature blood orange soufflé. VANESSA: Mina, you've been hypnotized! Snap out of it! COUNT SPATULA: I have heard a lot about you, Vanessa Helsing. VANESSA: And I've heard a lot about you, Count Spatula. You can't throw on a chef's hat and fool everybody. I see right through you! COUNT SPATULA: If there's one thing I can count on, it's the Helsing family's habit of jumping to conclusions. Vhere did you get the idea that I vas going to bite Mina? VANESSA: Because you're a vampire! COUNT SPATULA: Vat makes you think that? VANESSA: Vell, vat do you think, Count Spatula? JONATHAN: Hey, don't make fun of the way he talks. That's uncalled for. COUNT SPATULA: It's quite all right, young Jonathan. Perhaps you should all stay and learn a thing or two about cooking. Ve like to experiment vith ingredients in my kitchen. It's very scientific. Lots of vonderful knives. Ve need to be careful ve don't cut ourselves and bleed everyvere. JONATHAN: Maybe we should go. COUNT SPATULA: No, I impale you to stay. LUCY: You impale us? COUNT SPATULA: Oh, I'm sorry. Implore. Do you know this vord? VANESSA: Yes, it means beg…which you'll soon be doing for your life!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Count Spatula by Keegon Schuett 85
COUNT SPATULA: I don't think my team of lunch ladies would agree with you. Elvira! Aorta! Marge! Come greet the children. (Three beautiful lunch ladies, ELVIRA, AORTA, and MARGE, enter carrying trays of cooking supplies.) ELVIRA: Oh my, vat beautiful children. AORTA: Vhen did these mouth-vatering creatures valk in? MARGE: Y'all have such a fun way of talking. Don't you think they talk so great, kids? LUCY: Wait, Miss Marge…are you still all right? MARGE: Well, if I'm being honest I just ain't been the same since my pet raccoon went missing, but otherwise I'm doing A-OK. Why do you ask? VANESSA: You're working with a bunch of vampires, Miss Marge! MARGE: Vanessa Helsing! I'm surprised at you. Just because these new lunch ladies like blood oranges and they got these funny accents don't mean you can just up and call 'em vampires. It ain't polite. Just look at Chef Spatula…if he were a vampire, would he be wearin' a chef's hat? I don't think so, missy! VANESSA: They really are vampires, Miss Marge! We'll prove it! Lucy, put the church wafers around Mina to protect her. (Lucy runs to Mina and puts the wafers around her. Count Spatula stands back and hisses. Elvira and Aorta also hiss.) Look! They're all driven back by the religious wafers. MARGE: Y'all don't work with 'em like I do. They just do not like a messy floor. LUCY: I did it! Now Mina's safe. We're all safe!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 86 Lit on Fire
JONATHAN: Lucy, look out! (Count Spatula lurches over Lucy and hides her behind his apron/cape. She screams!) LUCY: Help! (She stumbles from behind the cape, holding her neck.) He bit me! (Count Spatula takes off his chef hat and Marge gasps!) MARGE: Oh my stars! He really is a vampire! I couldn't tell with that hat on…he looked an awful lot like a chef! JONATHAN: Let me help you. LUCY: No! Get your garlic hands away! (Count Spatula and the two vampire lunch ladies laugh maniacally.) MARGE: This is not a laughing matter, y'all. Somebody needs to call 9-1-1. Where did I leave my DARN phone?! (She runs offstage.) COUNT SPATULA: What a nice voman this Marge is! Sticking her neck out for these helpless children. VANESSA: Leave Marge alone! COUNT SPATULA: Elvira, Aorta, vhy don't you start the cooking lesson vhile I sort out the bad blood vith Marge? ELVIRA: Ve'd be happy to. (Count Spatula exits dramatically.) VANESSA: Quick! Jonathan, use the garlic bread on them. JONATHAN: (In a trance:) They're just so beautiful. VANESSA: Oh, great! He's hypnotized! Lucy! Throw the holy water on them.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Count Spatula by Keegon Schuett 87
LUCY: I don't feel so good. (She takes the holy water and starts to drink it. She realizes her mistake and does a large spit take. Then she faints.) VANESSA: Lucy!!! (Vanessa runs to Lucy's side. Jonathan walks toward the two lunch ladies. They hold blood oranges in their hands.) ELVIRA: Vell, isn't he a handsome boy. AORTA: I vonder if he likes blood oranges. JONATHAN: (Entranced:) I do. Do you like garlic bread? ELVIRA: Ve don't eat garlic bread. AORTA: Ve have a gluten allergy. ELVIRA & AORTA: Vhy don't you put down the garlic bread? VANESSA: Don't do it, Jonathan! They'll bite you! ELVIRA: Vat nonsense! Ve vould offer you a bite of these blood oranges. AORTA: Ve would never bite you! (Lucy wakes up.) LUCY: Am I dead? VANESSA: I honestly don't know. LUCY: Have I gotten any new comments on my photo? If I haven't, I might as well be dead. (She checks her phone. Marge runs onstage with her own phone. Count Spatula chases her.) MARGE: Yes, 9-1-1? I'm being chased by a GOSHDARN vampire! No, I ain't joking! Stop laughing! (They run back off.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 88 Lit on Fire
JONATHAN: I'm sorry. I'm just not strong enough. (He starts to put the garlic bread down. Vanessa runs and grabs the bread and shoves it in Elvira's face. She screams.) ELVIRA: Gluten! Nooo! (Vanessa stabs Elvira with the stake. She dies dramatically. Aorta hisses.) VANESSA: You're strong enough. Come on! Be a hero! JONATHAN: I don't want to be a hero, just a good scientist! VANESSA: Good scientists take risks! Sure, some care about experimenting and good experiments need a control, but sometimes you just need to lose control! Dump the vinegar into the baking soda volcano and show the vampires who's in charge! Test her reaction to the garlic bread and take notes! (He shoves the garlic in Aorta's face. She screams and falls. Vanessa passes the stake to him. He's too scared of using it and passes it back to her quickly. They pass it back and forth until finally, Vanessa stabs Aorta, who dies!) JONATHAN: Maybe I am a chicken. VANESSA: It's all right to be afraid. We've evolved to be afraid of things that threaten us. Do you believe me now? About the vampires? JONATHAN: It's definitely not scientifically sound. But I believe you.
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
GREAT EXPECTATIONS, OR WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION by Jonathan Dorf
CAST OF CHARACTERS PIP, aka Philip Pirrip. Male and a teen with a penchant for stretching the truth. Maybe. TEACHER, any gender. FIRST, SECOND and THIRD KID, any gender. Teenagers and Pip's classmates. MABEL SANDWICH, a grizzled female escaped convict. GREATEST AMERICAN HERO EMPLOYEE, any gender and age, and not enthused. SUSPICIOUS WAITRESS, any age and a lot more committed to her job than the Greatest American Hero Employee. Could be any gender. POLLY ESTHER COMPOSTBUNS, female. Mabel Sandwich's nemesis and a fellow prison escapee. POLICE, non-speaking and any gender. Could be implied by sound or some other device. MYSTERIOUS BUT FASHIONABLE WOMAN, a woman (or any gender) with a strong accent. CAMPERS, any gender. They could be played by the kids from the classroom or could be a voiceover or dealt with in some other creative way as necessary. MISS HAVEAHAM, female. Estella's guardian, always in a Grateful Dead t-shirt and holding a ham. ESTELLA, female. Pip's age, beautiful but cold. PUPPETS, any gender. Estella and Miss Haveaham's relatives. THE METROSEXUAL, male. A lawyer who dresses extremely well.
NOTES Feel free to multiple cast roles like a ninja (well, if ninjas did casting) and to update pronouns as necessary for any non- gender specific roles. For roles for which a specific gender has been assigned, it's fine for a person of a different gender to play them as the original gender. You could probably pull off the whole show with four insanely committed performers: Pip, plus three actors to play everyone else. On the other hand, feel free to use a large cast, with lots of extra classroom kids, police and campers. Feel free to update the puppets' money-related song snippets ("Show me the money" is spoken) to whatever works best for your production, but please keep the overall number of snippets—three—the same.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT Special thanks to Addison Calvin, Lucy Keith, Riley Scott and of course Daniel Rashid (who set the whole thing up) for participating in the developmental reading of the play.
Great Expectations, or... by Jonathan Dorf 91
(A classroom. STUDENTS, dressed like they just got back from summer vacation—perhaps one is on the way back from the front of the room amidst a scattering of disinterested applause. PIP, a teenage boy, sits in the back trying to be invisible. The TEACHER calls out from the front:) TEACHER: Philip Pirrip? PIP: The name's Pip. (As Pip walks to the front, the Teacher hits her hands with sanitizer, hand wipes, maybe even a scrub brush.) FIRST KID: This'll be good. SECOND KID: At least it won't be boring. THIRD KID: Save the world again this summer, Pip? PIP: (Sheepishly:) No. TEACHER: Philip, I want you to know that I've read about your…reputation, but I believe in clean slates. I believe in cleanliness. See? I am washing my hands of everything I've heard about you. (Beat.) PIP: What I did on my summer vacation. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. I was living with my sister and her mister. Joe wasn't so bad, but he worked long hours at his shop, and my sister, well, if she had any motherly bones in her body, let's just say they all broke a long time ago. FIRST KID: (Coughing as they speak:) Boring. SECOND KID: (Coughing as they speak:) Lame. THIRD KID: (Coughing as they speak:) Cough. PIP: It was a dark and stormy night. I was walking home alone…from the Greatest American Hero, the only sandwich place in this one-sandwich place town, when I heard a rustle.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 92 Lit on Fire
(There's a rustling sound.) I think maybe it's just a leaf, but leaves don't step on twigs at Shady Side Cemetery. Not at two hours 'til midnight. (Beat.) And there she was. Behind the third tombstone on the right. A woman in an orange jumpsuit. (Enter MABEL SANDWICH, wearing an orange jumpsuit and perhaps holding a cardboard cutout of a tombstone.) She looked just like how I remember my mother looking—if my mother looked like a completely different, sorta sociopathic person. On my side of the tracks, people can't afford a stranger danger whistle, so I just stood there. (Beat.) A word formed at her lips. MABEL: (Almost inaudibly:) Sandwich. PIP: What? MABEL: (Barely more audible:) Sandwich. PIP: Sandwich? (To the audience:) But my sandwich was already in my stomach. (To Mabel:) Sorry, I— MABEL: Sandwich. PIP: This woman needed a sandwich, and she needed it bad. I knew what I had to do. (Pip steps into The Greatest American Hero, where an unenthused EMPLOYEE wearing the company hat joins him.) Your sandwich made me throw up. GREATEST AMERICAN HERO EMPLOYEE: Oh. PIP: Gimme another one. GREATEST AMERICAN HERO EMPLOYEE: OK. (The Employee hands Pip a sandwich. Pip steps back into the cemetery scene, where he hands the sandwich to Mabel, who eats greedily.)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Great Expectations, or... by Jonathan Dorf 93
PIP: Flash forward three weeks, and I've gotten sick at every joint in town. But when you join the puke parade, sooner or later there's gonna be a mess. (Pip walks into another restaurant, where a SUSPICIOUS WAITRESS interrogates him:) SUSPICIOUS WAITRESS: Got pictures? PIP: Food poisoning is no joke, ma'am. SUSPICIOUS WAITRESS: I'm not joking. PIP: (To the audience:) I could tell she knew something. SUSPICIOUS WAITRESS: I knew something. (Beat.) Two weeks ago I was workin' the late shift before I worked the early shift, and who did I see pullin' the old pukeroo… (To Pip:) I've got half a mind to call the fuzz, and the other half says to take you out back and beat you like a rented stepchild. PIP: This was going south faster than a flock of migrating geese. I had no choice: I puked. I puked for real. I puked long, and I puked hard. I puked for everyone who's ever wanted to puke but was told they weren't good enough, that they were too small, too big, not pretty enough, or just not the puking kind. (Beat.) I don't know where it all came from, but I do know I left with everything on the menu. Mabel Sandwich was gonna eat like a queen. And eat she did, but when I came back later that night with a reheated apple pie, there was a second woman, wearing that same jumpsuit. (Pip steps into the graveyard scene as Mabel squares off against POLLY ESTHER COMPOSTBUNS.) POLLY ESTHER: I don't like you, Sandwich. Never have, never will.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 94 Lit on Fire
MABEL: There isn't enough absence in the world for my heart to grow fonder of you, Polly Esther Compostbuns. PIP: Compostbuns? That's not really your— (Mabel and Polly Esther look at Pip as if to say, "No, that's her real name." Perhaps Polly Esther lets out a little sigh.) Wow. (Beat. Polly Esther lets out a war cry—feel free to make it ridiculous—as she pulls out a cat as a weapon. Mabel does the same. They fight.) I've never seen a catfight like this before. (Polly Esther's cat is on Mabel's face.) POLLY ESTHER: Cat got your tongue, Mabel? (Sirens. The POLICE arrive and take Mabel and Polly Esther away.) PIP: And just like that, they were gone. That would have been enough adventure for ten summers, but this summer was just getting started. (Beat.) All those leftover leftovers didn't last. An unpaid electric bill and a refrigerator that didn't see fit to perform miracles saw to that. So what do you do when you're [say your age] and longing for that one square a day? (Pip might pull down his pants to reveal a pair of shorts, or maybe pulls his shirt off to reveal a "Camp Last Resort" t-shirt.) Summer camp. One of those places run by do-gooders doing good. Fresh air, arts and crafts, a pond that they call a lake. They run on donations, and believe me, nobody donates the good stuff. But beggars can't be choosers. So there I am, eating my donated sandwich. Not the good kind of sandwich like at The Greatest American Hero, but a sad little summer camp
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Great Expectations, or... by Jonathan Dorf 95 sandwich of turkey that's been processed within an inch of its factory farmed life, and cheddar that's as past due as that library book I took out in second grade. I am having a conversation with myself, trying to decide whether I can stomach another bite. (Beat.) Self, this sandwich is disgusting. But self, what else you gonna eat? (Beat.) I'm about to put the sandwich in my mouth and hope that those exercises I've been doing to lose my gag reflex are legit, when up comes this woman. (A MYSTERIOUS BUT FASHIONABLE WOMAN approaches.) MYSTERIOUS BUT FASHIONABLE WOMAN: (With a thick, vaguely Eastern European accent:) You. Play with Smelly. (Beat.) You. Smelly. Play. PIP: Lady, I'm not smelly. MYSTERIOUS BUT FASHIONABLE WOMAN: Play with Smelly. PIP: Hey—I may be poor, but I shower. MYSTERIOUS BUT FASHIONABLE WOMAN: Play with Smelly!! PIP: This lady seems determined to take a wrecking ball to what's left of my self-esteem. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I am a guy who knows when he's listening to a Translovakomanian accent. She's saying play with Stella, and she's offering me a dollar a day to do it. Stella is short for Estella, and that dollar's a dollar
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 96 Lit on Fire more than I'm getting paid to go to camp. (Beat.) I call the camp and tell them thanks, but I've got ebola. (Screaming CAMPERS run across the stage.) CAMPERS: Plague! Save yourselves! Zombies! The British are coming! PIP: I go to the address the woman with the Translovakomanian accent gave me. The house is huge. It needs a maid, sunlight and a puppy in the worst way. (Pip enters Miss Haveaham's house. There's a creaking sound.) And there she is. Miss Haveaham. In a Grateful Dead t-shirt that is yellower than her teeth and smells like a dead body decomposed in it. Twice. And she has a ham. In her lap. But a job is a job. MISS HAVEAHAM: Play. PIP: Am I supposed to play with her? With the ham? With myself? I don't like the choices here, but then I see Estella. Standing like a statue in the corner. (ESTELLA, Pip's age, stands frozen in the corner like a performance artist. Miss Haveaham exits, leaving them alone.) She's beautiful, if you have a thing for ice—cubes, sculptures or princesses. ESTELLA: Play, boy. PIP: Hi, Estella— ESTELLA: Miss Estella. (Beat.) Play, boy. PIP: (To the audience:) A dollar is a dollar, so I swallow my pride, which is a meager meal. (To Estella:) Miss Estella, what
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Great Expectations, or... by Jonathan Dorf 97 would you like to play? (Beat.) What about cards? Hide and seek? Doctor? (She slaps him.) Whiffle ball? Horseshoes? Checkers? ESTELLA: Estella doesn't play. PIP: That is coming through loud and clear. ESTELLA: Play, or I'll tell my aunt! PIP: I can see my dollar vanishing like water in a desert. Desperate times call for desperate measures… (Pip launches into a fit of heavy metal air guitar, with music perhaps played through his phone. Enter Miss Haveaham.) MISS HAVEAHAM: Stop that noise immediately. (Pip stops.) ESTELLA: I like it. MISS HAVEAHAM: (To Pip:) What are you doing?! Keep playing! (Pip plays. Miss Haveaham hands him a—preferably transparent—bag filled with pennies. While the transaction happens:) THIRD KID: I wanna be an air guitarist when I grow up. SECOND KID: You can't even sing. FIRST KID: Shhh…this is getting good. PIP: I air-guitared my way through every Metallica album, Guns 'n Roses, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath with and without Ozzy, Ozzy solo. I'm a guitar god, with five minutes every hour to pee, and thirty for lunch. Beats working for a living. (Beat.) Sometimes Estella just sits and stares, sometimes she bangs her head, sometimes she picks up an air bass and plays along.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 98 Lit on Fire
I'm kinda starting to like her. SECOND KID: Awww… FIRST KID: (Engaged:) Shhh! PIP: But sometimes she says stuff like— ESTELLA: Pip, you can never be in the band. PIP: And I'm like— (To Estella:) Why you gotta be so cruel, Miss Estella? ESTELLA: The world is cruel, Pip. PIP: I get it. She's alone with Miss Haveaham and all that pork. That's gotta mess you up. And then there's the relatives. (Enter a group of PUPPETS.) VARIOUS PUPPETS: Show me the money! (Singing:) Money, money changes everything! (A single puppet sings:) Money money money money… (All of the puppets sing the response:) Money! PIP: On those days, Miss Haveaham insisted I Play System of a Down, Pantera and Megadeath, and she and Estella made their greedy relations join the mosh pit. (Miss Haveaham and Estella bump into the puppets, driving them offstage.)
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE SCARLET LETTER IN 10 MINUTES OR LESS by Don Zolidis
CAST OF CHARACTERS BOB DANI CROWD, played by Bob. HESTER PRYNNE, played by Dani. CHILLINGWORTH, played by Dani or Bob. MINISTER, played by Bob. PEARL, played by Bob. DIMSDALE, played by Bob. ELIZABETH, played by Dani. HAWTHORNE, played by Bob.
NOTES How to perform this play: Method 1: Two actors play all the roles, including Dani and Bob and the crowds. This involves switching characters instantly on stage with a change in stance or voice. Small pieces of costume could do the trick. For example, Chillingworth might have a cane. Pearl might have a bonnet. Anything that could be lightning-quick and not slow down the show in the slightest. Chillingworth may be played by either actor (Dani or Bob), and does not need to be played by the same actor throughout the show (i.e. Dani can play him in one scene, and Bob in another, as long as the characterization is consistent).
Method 2: Dani and Bob are separate entities, and all other roles are performed by 2 additional actors. Method 3: All roles are performed by different actors. I actually think this is the least funny way to perform this play, so I don't encourage this, but if you have a large group, it's conceivable that you could use a cast of 10-15 for this play.
Everything you need to know… by Don Zolidis 101
(DANI is sitting down with a copy of The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. She is on page 1, and writhing in agony at the reading process.) DANI: Arrrgh. Urrrrh. Oh man this book. This book hurts my head. (BOB, chipper, enters.) BOB: Hey Dani! Want to go cow tipping? I hear the cows are real sleepy this time of night. DANI: I wish I could but I have to read this stupid Scarlet Letter book for English class. We have a huge test on it tomorrow! If there was only some way to slice open my brain and pour the book in so I don't have to spend time reading it. BOB: YOU'RE IN LUCK! With the power of theatre, we can open up your brain right here! Metaphorically speaking! DANI: Wow, let's do it! BOB: Sweet! This will count as my community service time too, which will help me in the courts. So now...for your viewing pleasure...the book that no one has ever read for fun: The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne! DANI: Can I ask why we have to read The Scarlet Letter if everyone hates it? BOB: We have to read The Scarlet Letter because everyone hates it. DANI: Huh? BOB: Exactly. You see—your English teachers hated it when they were in school, but they were forced to read it when they were growing up, just as their teachers were forced to read it when they were growing up. Soon, when you are older, you'll force the next generation to read it too. And on and on it will go until the end of time, a chain of misery and suffering stretching down through our descendants, linking us together in an unending web of darkness and ruin. This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 102 Lit on Fire
DANI: Wow. BOB: The Circle of Life. But let's get to it! Chapter One. (Dani becomes HESTER.) Massachusetts. Sixteen hundred something. Before anyone had any sense. A woman stands alone on a platform, holding her baby. A large red A embroidered on her chest. (Someone throws a baby at Hester.) A crowd gathers. (Bob assumes various crowd personas.) "Hey! Hey you! We've come to heckle you!" "We don't enjoy your company!" "We don't like your baby either!" "I've seen better babies in the woods. Where the babies are." "Hey how come you got a fancy A? You think you're better than block letters?!" "We'll teach you to use cursive." "Anyone want to throw something at the baby? Anyone? Who here has the moral rectitude to punch that baby? Anyone?" (Short pause.) "Come on people. Jesus wants you to punch the baby." (A small child with a British accent:) Please, sir. I'll punch the baby. (Back to the other person:) No your arms are too spindly and week. I need a housewife. (Becomes a housewife:) I'll do it! (Back to the other person:)
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Everything you need to know… by Don Zolidis 103
Step right up! Step right up! Time for the righteous to maintain order! (Housewife approaches:) Hi-Ya!! (Big reaction:) Ooooooh! (Another assault:) And... Wha-cha! And boo-ya! HESTER: Please stop punching my baby. HOUSEWIFE: Oh take a look at Miss Sinner trying to stop us from punching the baby. Trollope. BOB: And so Hester was done with her daily service to the community. HOUSEWIFE: Peace be with you. God loves you. He wants to see you suffer though. That's why He's sending you to hell. HESTER: Man, I hate Salem. BOB: Miss your husband, do ya? HESTER: No! BOB & HESTER: Flashback flashback flashback! (Bob becomes CHILLINGWORTH, a truly disgusting hunchbacked monster.) MINISTER: Do you, Hester, take this old disgusting man Chillingworth to be your lawful wedded husband because you have no other options? HESTER: I guess so. MINISTER: Moo ah ha ha ha! CHILLINGWORTH: Heee heee heee! Come with me my righteous bride!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 104 Lit on Fire
(Chillingworth coughs horribly. Spits something out. He's truly disgusting.) Even though I'm forty years older than you, God has blessed our union because you don't have a lot of say in these things. I will remind you, however, that you would do well to cover up your suggestive ankle. It may tempt men to sin. (Becomes a man walking by:) MAN: Whoah! Check out the ankle on that babe! Woo hoo! Hubba hubba! CHILLINGWORTH: That was your fault by the way. HESTER: I feel a little oppressed. CHILLINGWORTH: Good. Now, because I love you, I'm going to send you to America by yourself and wait five or six years for me to show up. I'm sure you'll have no trouble fending off wolves, Indians— HESTER: I call them Native Americans. CHILLINGWORTH: I call them Savages. Bears. Diseases. Icy winters. Et cetera. I'm sure God will look after you, because if there's one thing I know about God, He really takes care of single women on their own. Welp. Anyhoo, I'm going to kick around England for a while and get kidnapped by pirates. Remember darling. It's all part of God's plan. All right now go. (He slaps her behind.) HESTER: You hit me on the rump. CHILLINGWORTH: Honey. Remember: We're in a stifling patriarchy, I can do anything I want to you. Boy it's good to be alive, right? Am I right? BOB: So Hester went to America. (Hester pukes on the boat.) It was a long voyage. Beset with many giant squids which attacked on a regular basis. This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Everything you need to know… by Don Zolidis 105
(Bob becomes a giant squid and threatens the ship.) Bllauarurururuu! HESTER: Wait a minute, a giant squid attacks me? BOB: I'm just trying to spice this up! This book is so boring! Oh wait...no it wasn't...because once she got to America she met... (Hester stops and stares with longing.) HESTER: Richard Dimsdale. BOB: (Angelic humming:) Aaaaaaaaah. (Describing Dimsdale:) There he was. So righteous. So unbelievably righteous. With eyes like an angel and the firm, toned physique of a woodsman. He even smelled good. HESTER: I will show no desire. DIMSDALE: Whoops. Dropped my shoe. (He bends down to pick it up.) HESTER: Please watch over me God. DIMSDALE: By the way, I noticed you were living in that cabin all by yourself. If you ever need any help building a fire, let me know... HESTER: A fire?
DIMSDALE: (Seductive:) Yes I'm...very good at...starting...fires. HESTER: (Seductive:) Are you? DIMSDALE : (Even more seductive:) All kinds of...fires. HESTER : (Also even more seductive:) That must come in handy. DIMSDALE: (Impossibly seductive:) I'm very...handy. HESTER: (In heat:) Would you like something to drink? DIMSDALE: (In even more heat:) Oh yes I'd like something...to drink.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 106 Lit on Fire
HESTER: (Growls.) DIMSDALE: (Growls louder.) HESTER: (Growls again.) DIMSDALE: (Howls like a wolf.) (Simultaneously they both begin a dance number.) DANI: This book doesn't seem so bad. It's kind of like 50 Shades of Grey. BOB: Not so much. Anyway, so nine months later— (BABY is thrown in.) HESTER: Hey look what the evil stork dropped on me! How'd this happen?! BOB: Fast forward— (They run around and fast forward.) For about six years. Until... (Bob gets on his knees and becomes PEARL.) PEARL: 'Ello. I'm Pearl. And I'm a symbol of your sinfulness. HESTER: Go to bed honey. PEARL: I will. But also remember that I was conceived in sin and you are doomed to hell. HESTER: Thanks. I almost forgot about that seeing as how I am publicly shamed every day for the entire freaking novel. BOB: Ooh! By the way—fun digression! Nathaniel Hawthorne modeled the character of Hester Prynne after his wife, Elizabeth. (Hester switches into ELIZABETH. Bob switches to HAWTHORNE and begins writing furiously.) ELIZABETH: Dear husband, what are you working on? HAWTHORNE: Just a book.
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Everything you need to know… by Don Zolidis 107
ELIZABETH: What's it about? HAWTHORNE: It's about a woman who commits adultery and is forced to stand on a platform while children spit at her for ever and ever. I'm basing her character on you. (Short pause.) ELIZABETH: Is there something you'd like to talk about? HAWTHORNE: Nope. I'm getting all my rage out right here. (They switch back.) BOB: Back to our epic tale! (Dani becomes Chillingworth.) CHILLINGWORTH: Well now… I have arrived! Moo ah ha ha ha! (Bob becomes Pearl.) And who might you be? PEARL: My name is Pearl. I was conceived in sin. CHILLINGWORTH: (As The Simpsons' Mr. Burns:) Excellent. BOB: Meanwhile—Hester was still standing on the platform every day. HESTER: All right patriarchy. Go ahead and oppress me some more. BOB: (As the crowd:) "We still don't like you!" "No one here has ever done anything wrong!" "I'd like to cast the first stone!" "This is totally what Jesus had in mind!" (Chillingworth watches.) CHILLINGWORTH: Well now...isn't this an interesting turn of events. I wonder who the father could be?
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 108 Lit on Fire
CROWD: Who's the Baby Daddy! Tell us the Baby Daddy! Ba- By Daddy! Ba-By Daddy! (He turns back into Bob.) BOB: Dimsdale didn't say anything. He was crazy stone-faced. DIMSDALE: Aaaaaah! BOB: But at night he felt very bad and flogged himself. (Pause.) DANI: He did what? BOB: He flogged himself. Self-flogging. DANI: Does that make you feel better? BOB: Well. While you're flogging it does. Afterwards not so much. (Dimsdale starts flogging himself.) DIMSDALE: Ow. I suck. Ow. I suck. Ow. I suck. CHILLINGWORTH: I say dear man. I wonder if you needed a roommate? DIMSDALE: Yeah sure why not? BOB: This is where the irony comes in! Anyway, Chillingworth figures out that Dimsdale is the Baby Daddy and begins a campaign of mental torture! Because that's what anyone would do.
Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!
This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted.