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Ever since The Edge hired that orange scooter in Kefalonia (see August editions) it’s gone TANGERINE CRAZY...... so cop a load of this, readers! What is it? To be perfectly honest, we haven’t a clue, but it’s definitely ‘got something about it’, the gorgeous orange beast (mk II)!

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basically for being no-good cheating swine. BEADY EYE Only where do I go from here? Wasn’t Liam Gallagher totally crap at the I honestly haven’t a clue. Olympics closing ceremony? Meanwhile, old matey-boy the restaurant owning crook, has been laughing in my face since BUILD IT & THEY WILL COME December of last year when his half-page Why do us Chelmsfordians have to go all the advertisement appeared in the Christmas Edge, way to the Cliffs Pavilion in Sarfend if we want completely compass gratis, or whatever the to see anything/anyone half decent? terminology. Chelmsford was the County Town of Essex, but If every customer that I dealt with did that to me, now that we’re a City, surely we deserve our then clearly The Edge would be no more, so to very own theatre (of dreams)? me it’s definitely a serious issue. I’d actually like to put one of his restaurant DANDY windows through with his advert fastened Gutted to hear that the Dandy’s days are num- around the brick wot did it by an elastic band, bered. Every week I used to get a copy when I but then that makes me a criminal, which is a was a lad, along with the Beano. joke because I am the innocent party here. However, publishers DC Thomson of Dundee The Edge Editor’s Column So is there anyone out there in Edgeland who recently announced, “Fear not, kids, for Desper- can help me, hmmmm? ate Dan has not eaten his last cow pie.” DEBT COLLECTOR Yep, with sales down to a measly 8,000 per Are any Edge readers good at collecting debts? NO CONNECTION edition (which is 20% fewer copies than The A bloke who owns a restaurant owes me £275. I’ve just completed 4 days without email or inter- Edge produces every month), it seems that the I’ve been to the Small Claims Court and I’ve got net connection and it was honestly the longest 4 Dandy is destined to be re-released on-line. one of those ‘Judgement for Claimant’ things days....almost like losing a limb. How very sad. against the geezer. In short, The Edge has got How did I ever start up The Edge without such? ‘im bang to rights. Only the fella’s still not Hell, I didn’t even get myself a computer until FIFTY SHADES GETS coughing up. the first three issues had been produced and I’d DARKER & DARKER I’ll tell you what that is, shall I, readers? never even used one ’til then. Apparently some bright spark has had the It’s THEFT plain and simple. It’s weird how times change; what you get used foresight to bring out a further installment to the Only in reality, if I want to pursue this matter to and what you come to imagine you simply ridiculous trilogy in the form of 50 blank pages further, it’s going to cost me (which is the unjust cannot live/work without. of paper in different shades of grey that get part about it) yet more money, but with still no darker and darker the more you turn. guarantees that I’ll ever see a penny. SKY BLUE BEACH BUGGY Women will still lap it up though. So clearly the system doesn’t work. Who owns the immaculate sky blue beach So, now what do I do? buggy that I saw coming around Sainsbury’s V-FESTIVAL To my way of thinking, in a situation such as roundabout with just the sweetest, cutest ickle I ended up being there for all of 90 minutes on this, whatever the amount concerned, be it girl in the passenger seat wearing shades? the Saturday, felt depressed, so left. A proper daddy’n’daughter combo it was! £275, £2.75 or £2,750, if the court finds against THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD you, then that person (or company) should auto- Seriously tho’, they were my dream cars when I 01245 348256 matically have the debt increased by 100%, was a nipper, so take me out for a spin, please. [email protected]

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FLIES If there’s one thing The Edge can’t stand, it’s flies. Dirty, disgusting, filthy bastards, they are. You have your windows and doors open in sum- mer and what happens? Flies buzz in completely uninvited and then spend an eternity trying to get back out again, noses to the glass, shitting liquid mustard as they frantically buzz away in a frenzy, too fecking stoopid to figure out what’s and open- ing and what’s a pane of bastard glass. Honestly, I would kill the lot of ’em and if that makes The Edge a murderer, then so be it. BUSHY TAILED RAT What purpose do flies honestly serve? EMERGENCY! ‘Edge Towers’ is situated in It’s bad enough seeing a dog egg on the pave- Ali’s Taxis Chelmer Village and it has now attracted one ment, but when it’s covered in flies, well, your of these marsupial thingies (yes, yes, I know stomach just turns. 46-46-46 it’s really only a rodent, but I was trying to ‘big The Edge likes it when a frog’s tongue shoots out it up’ in order that I might feel better about the fact that I’m attracting little more than a and captures a fly, only I’ve never actually seen vagrant) to our back garden where it’s been that happen, least not without David Attenborough eating the nuts we hang out for the birdies. being there. inc. 8 seater mini-buses If ‘Edge Towers’ backed onto woodland, then Wasps might sting you, but at least they’re Airport Trips fair enough - but unfortunately it doesn’t, it acceptable to look at, what with their fancy Corporate Accounts Welcome merely backs onto the gardens of two other hooped tank-tops and all. houses - so isn’t it a bit unusual that we’ve But flies? Flies just look every bit as disgusting as suddenly started attracting a squirrel when we they are. haven’t in the previous 15 years that we’ve Brazilian Jiu Jitsu been living there? Isn’t it the Chinese that cook insects? But surely So what should we do? even they wouldn’t cook a bloody fly, would they? You’re not allowed to shoot them, so far as I’m No. Presumably because there’s no nourishment aware, are you? in a fly. Just puss and shit and gunk. Is it a sign (but of what I cannot imagine)? Oh God, that’s just made me think.....what about Honestly, it’s about as welcome as some of our when you swallow one by accident? If just flies Chelmsford City Martial Arts Centre neighbour’s cats are. Unit 21 & 22 Waterhouse Business Centre, Cromer Way, into your mouth, to the back of your throat, and Chelmsford, CM1 2QE. The bottom line is that it’s just downright rude. cough as you might, it’s to no avail. Training Times: Monday: 9.00pm - 10.15pm I don’t go into any of my neighbour’s gardens, Friday: 7.00pm - 8.30pm Saturday 11.30am - 12.30pm steal their nuts and piss all over their shrub- Now that really does make me feel sick to the pit PRICE: £8 per class £6 NUS and Juniors Monthly options available beries, so why the hell should I expect such of my stomach, knowing where it’s been and what For more info email: [email protected] treatment in return? it’s had for its lunch. TEL: 07956 968860 www.carlsongracieessex.co.uk

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WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...

“I THINK I’M IN LOVE!” OK, now let’s get one thing straight - I have heard but one song and seen but one perform- ance of said song (‘Black Heart’) by some bitch band called STOOSHE, but The Edge absolute- ly loves it - and them!

Freshly made sandwiches, jacket potatoes, salad boxes, For the record, they’re a 3-piece English R&B girl group (as you can see, they’re definitely not homemade soups, cakes & much much more! blokes) from just down t’road in London (which is a place that’s had a fair old amount of positive Duke Street. Tel: 01245 499114 publicity of late for a right refreshing change) consisting of Alexandra Buggs (I reckon that’s the dark haired one), Karis Anderson (centre) and Courtney Rumbold (right)....all former shoppers of Top Shop as apparently that’s how their auditions came about.

For the record, The Edge doesn’t honestly think they could have picked a more unusual name, but apparently it derives from the urban word (don’t you know) ‘stoosh’ which supposedly describes something that’s expensive, but also a girl who imagines herself to be ‘nicer than she actually is’.

They released their first song ‘Love Me’ on You Tube in March of last year. There second single, ‘Betty Woz Gone’, was released onto iTunes at the end of October of 2011. But it’s this ’ere ‘Black Heart’ that has proper taken The Edge’s fancy, released in June of this year and reaching number 3 in the ‘hit parade’ (as this mag has always known it to be called).

It’s definitely hard not to notice Alexandra’s lips when she suggestively whispers, “Figure, figure (love it!)....there’s no working you out whatsoever, only one way I could sum you up alto- gether, you got a black heart’.

Then we’re into the chorus, which is (and I’m sure it’ll ring a bell with loads of you if you heard it, even if you don’t consider yourself to be very up-to-date musicwise, along with The Edge):-

“Daddy I’ve fallen for a monster Somehow he’s scaring me to death Ah yes he is He’s big and he’s bad I love him like mad (but surely they could’ve done a lot better with that line) Mamma he’s the best I ever had... He’s got a black heart.”

They sound so incredibly like The Supremes to The Edge and this mag just adores their quite distinctive sound.

So, did any of you see them at ‘V’ and if so, were they any good? (The Edge heard they were performing at Hylands this year, but cannot honestly be arsed with traipsing around and stuff).

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Put Saskia Down, Paul! Here’s Zagger’s Paul Dafforn with his sister-in-law Saskia Clark who, along with Hannah Mills, collected a silver medal at the Olympics in the 470 dinghy....which must be some sort of a boat race, right, readers? Saskia said, “I’m absolutely gutted that I’ve only got a tan on my face. We’ll definitely be rowing naked at Rio in 2016.” Apparently, Saskia and Hannah, her rowing partner of only 18 months, got a fairly decent start in the final race, but ended up sharing the wind with the other competitors. Says Saskia, “Diet plays a massive part in our event. Hannah and I have been living pretty much on liquorice and Brussel Sproats for the past six months to try and give us the edge, so God only knows what the Kiwis had been eating because they completely blew us away.” Brother-in-law Paul confirmed, “She doesn’t half stink, but these days she’s family, so you’ve just got to suck it in, as they say.”

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The Edge 01245 348256 Page 7 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 15:35 Page 8 CITIZENCITIZEN This month Citizen TV version of ‘Casino Royale’ some two years after the looks at the James novel was first published. Bond film heritage in Pierce Brosnan was 007 for four films from 1995 to advance of the new 2002, all of which were perhaps hampered by having film ‘Skyfall’ that pre- no Fleming title or plot on which to loosely base the mières at the end of story. The first was the excellent ‘Goldeneye’ - named next month. after the house near Ocho Rios in Jamaica where Ian This is the first of two Fleming wrote the books. The last was the incredibly looks at the epoch dire ‘Die Another Day’, the absolute nadir of the series, making Bond film which reprieves ‘Moonraker’ of the title ‘Worst Bond series, starting with the Film Ever’! In between came ‘Tomorrow Never Dies’ actors who have played James Bond and the original and ‘The World Is Not Enough’, named after the fiction- source material of Ian Fleming’s books. al Bond family motto. For regular readers of this column, who may by now The current incumbent of the role, Daniel Craig, is a has ascertained the generation that Citizen belongs to, strong contender for the best Bond ever nomination it will probably come as no surprise to learn that and, perhaps more than any other, his appeal is both Citizen’s absolute favourite James Bond is the one and cross gender and cross generational. Even the older only original Sean Connery who played 007 in six of Bond fans like Citizen have him high up on their lists Zak at Hair Rehab (right by the official Eon films from 1962 to 1971, They were ‘Dr (in Citizen’s case at number 2). Both of his films to the bus station) is responsible No’; ‘From Russia With Love’; ‘Goldfinger’; date used Fleming titles - ‘Casino Royale’ after the for sorting these girls’ barnets out! ‘Thunderball’; ‘You Only Live Twice’ and, after a one rights to this were finally secured by the Broccoli family Bond film break, ‘Diamonds Are Forever’. enabling them to make the film that the story truly Want some high res Sir Sean, as he is now, returned to the role one more deserved and ‘Quantum of Solace’ one of the five short OLYMPIC TORCH time in 1983 for the unofficial ‘Thunderball’ remake stories published collectively in ‘For Your Eyes Only’ in photographs from the ‘Never Say Never Again’ - whilst the title is said to be 1960 but which actually first appeared in Modern Hylands Park an ironic one based on his declaration after making Woman Magazine (!) in November 1959. ‘Diamonds Are Forever’ that he would NEVER play Following the success of Daniel Craig’s first two Bond ‘Sparks Will Fly’ Bond again! films, fans had expected the third to use a Fleming event? Someone born only a decade later, whose film experi- title. www.flickr.com/photos/70266145 ences probably peaked in the more frivolous seventies, Four Fleming short story titles remain unfilmed - will probably go for the lighter, more humorous touch of ‘Risico’ and ‘The Hildbrand Rarity’ both from ‘For Your Roger Moore, who made seven Bond films between Eyes Only’ although elements of their stories and some 1973 and 1985, making him the longest serving 007. characters have been used in both the film of that In Citizen’s humble opinion, Moore’s stand out films in name and ‘License To Kill’ among others. Likewise the role are ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’ and ‘For Your ‘The Property Of A Lady’ (originally published in Eyes Only’, although his debut movie in the roll ‘Live Sotheby’s annual ‘The Ivory Hammer’ in November And Let Die’ is also a film for which Citizen has a 1963 and later added to the ‘Octopussy’ short story strong affection. collection) was used in a shot of an auction catalogue Since Albert R. ‘Cubby’ Broccoli and Harry Saltzman in the ‘Octopussy’ film. This leaves the somewhat joined forces in 1961 to make the very first Bond film, clumsy and probably unusable title ‘007 In New York’ they probably didn’t realise quite what they were start- first published as a travelogue in the ‘New York Herald ing as it has become the most enduring film series in Tribune’ in October 1963 at a time when a flight to New history, with Bond - along with Sherlock Homes and York was nowhere near as commonplace as it is now. Harry Potter - one of the most filmed characters of all It was therefore a surprise to some Bond aficionados time, and all three created by British writers too! that the makers of the new film ‘Skyfall’ chose to use a In 1979, ‘Cubby’ Broccoli secured the rights to the films non-Fleming title. Stories abound of the film having a and his daughter, Barbara, and step-son Michael G limited budget and that more British locations are being Wilson, control the series to this day. used than usual, including Bognor Regis and parts of Four other actors have played Bond in the official Scotland. The film does however have a world class series. George Lazenby took over for ‘On Her Director in Sam Mendes and an ‘A’ list cast of acting Majesty’s Secret Service’ in 1969 after Sean Connery talent including Ralph Fiennes, Javier Bardem; Albert left the series following ‘You Only Live Twice’. Timothy Finney and, of course, Judi Dench, who makes her Dalton was a two picture Bond in ‘The Living Daylights’ seventh appearance as ‘M’. Also appearing is Ola - one of the last Cold War era films in 1987 - and Rapace, the husband of Noomi Rapace, the original ‘License to Kill’ - the first Bond film not to use an Ian ‘Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ - the remake of which, of Fleming book title in 1989. course, also starred Daniel Craig. It is probably true to say that neither Lazenby or Dalton With a cast like that - and an October release date - appear on too many people’s favourite Bond lists, Citizen suspects that there may be a strong pitch for although both ‘OHMSS’ and ‘The Living Daylights’ that illusive Bond film Oscar. were excellent films. Indeed, ‘OHMSS’, had it starred ‘Skyfall’ premieres in the UK and in a handful of other Connery, could well have vied for the title of the best European countries next month and in most of the rest Bond film ever - a list that usually includes ‘From of the world in November (apart from Latin America Russia With Love’, ‘Goldfinger’ and the comparatively who have to wait until December). recent ‘Casino Royale’. The UK launch is on Friday 26th October - the same The other two actors to play Bond officially - Pierce day as in France, Spain etc. For some reason, accord- Brosnan and Daniel Craig - are both candidates in the ing to the dedicated Bond website M16, the film actual- ‘Best Bond’ list. But before looking at their contribu- ly opens in Denmark three days earlier and in the tions to the series, Citizen should add that two other Czech Republic and Slovakia on 25th October! actors have played Bond - David Niven in the spoof version of ‘Casino Royale’ in 1967 (a film made possi- Next month, Citizen will look at an amazing coinci- ble by the fact that Ian Fleming had given the films dence concerning the first Bond film and another enter- rights to someone at an early stage allegedly in tainment phenomenon that also changed the world we exchange for a Ford Thunderbird!) and the American grew up in....and also explore some Essex connections Actor Barry Nelson - as Jimmy Bond - in a 1954 US to the franchise! Page 8 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:35 Page 9

streetdiversionsESSEX SEPT 2012 the free festival of international outdoor performance Saturday 29 September from 10.30am - CHELMSFORD CITY CENTRE chelmsford.gov.uk/streetdiversions The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:37 Page 10 WIGGINS

+++& %$ 

!"#$%&'()* % #) #)   ) %  (# 

!"#"!$%&'(%)'$*$!&' ) !"#$%&'()*( ( & " %&'()( # ## ()) Bradley Wiggins didn’t just win gold - #(#  &#$( ( & " %&'( & ##( he single-handedly made it accept- !(!"#& #(# $(%#&()'*(((** able for ginger people to walk the % ( )( *#(& &(+++"#*$ % "), "#& #$ earth - but only IF they’re good at something, that is. Unfortunately, what The Edge has dis- covered is that many people who would never consider, for instance, inviting a ginger person round to their house for a BBQ are often two-faced hypocrites. For instance, you can have, say, right black hair, but try growing a moustache (then again, why would you?) or a set of sideburns like our Bradley’s and heaven forbid, they refuse to appear in ‘matching black’ and sprout out ginger instead. What’s that all about? And have you ever considered just how many ginger people have been walk- ing the earth in disguise over the years? Heck, why do you think Telly Saval- as, Yul Bryner and the Dalai Lama all shaved their heads? Then there was Adolf Hitler who used to dye his ginger locks jet black, whilst his ‘tash’ was simply stuck on in order to distract folks from looking at his gin- ger roots. But now, thanks to Bradders, ginger folk no longer have to hang their heads in shame. In fact, just last month, GDH (gingerdetachablehairpieces.com) reported a massive 0.1% growth in their portable whiskery ranges overall - with sales of ginger pubic hair pieces in particular going through the roof. Actor Antonio Banderas recently spoke to The Ginger Times and admitted, “I hon- estly wish I was ginger and that my freckly skin burnt even in the shade. I have always thought it looks ever so cool. I recently acquired a ginger pubic muffler that I have hanging just out the top of my white Speedos whenever I am on the beach relaxing, simply in the hope that people will think I am the genuine ginger article and that I only dye my hair black for the movie rolls I get roped into.” Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman says, “That little twerp Tom Cruise actually divorced me for being a ginga. Woke up one day and said he simply couldn’t stand me any more.” Tony Banderarse Noddy Holder says, “Bradley used to cycle round to our ’ouse in the Midlands and sit on my lap as a wee boy and be in absolute awe of my sideburns. “One day, son, one day,” I used to say to him, and now he’s gone and done the whole country proud. God love ’im, he even used to call me his Uncle Ginger Presley, which used to make me chuckle.” STOP PRESS: gingerdetachablehairpieces.com are now offering two sets of thick, ginger armpit hair for the price of one with all orders placed up until and inclusive of Friday 21st September! Page 10 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:38 Page 11

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10ft Eyeball Aliens, a Mermaid named Terence & Dancing Slinkies? It must be the return of ESSEXstreetdiversions! 2012 has been a big year for Chelmsford. Not only has the county capital been made a city in the Queen’s Jubilee celebrations, been visited by the London 2012 Olympic Torch Relay and witnessed the finale of the great Glass Bead Game in ‘Sparks will Fly’ - but Friday 29th September also marks the 10th Anniversary of ESSEXstreetdiversions. www.griffindanbury.co.ukwww.grifffifindanburyy..co.uk

This award-winning FREE street festival returns to the city centre with its eclectic mix of the best street performers and outdoor artists from all across the WWW.HIDEWORKS.CO.UK globe. From 10:30am this international event will be returning with a selection of the most popular acts of the past nine years, plus new shows that will turn Chelmsford into a world of wonderment.

Since 2003, over 550 live performances have been presented as part of ESSEXstreetdiversions. These range from Artizani’s lobsters to the baby vegetables of Plunge Boom; the Spanish Los Fandangos’ Musical Box to The Spurting Man from Avanti Display....and this year is no exception with an amusing selection of international outdoor performance.

Living French toy, Monsieur Culbuto, will tumble his way along the High Street, engaging with those who dare to get too close. You may also be stopped, or followed, by the giant bouncers Les Tonys from Compagnie Albedo, or perhaps romanced by The Cupids from Les Goulous.

From Holland, Teatro Pavana will be bringing their Giraffes to marvel at as these lifelike puppets stride around Chelmsford, nibbling at trees and, erm, spectators alike. Continuing with the animal theme, the festival will also play host to Gorillas, a Polar Bear and a giant Caterpillar - but not all is as it seems.

As well as an array of international artists, don’t forget the UK acts who will be performing throughout the day. Larkin About will be racing around on trolleys as Granny Turismo, there’s a chance to test your culinary skills with Troll’s Kitchen - not forgetting Bash Street Theatre‘s Essex premiere of The Strongman. Car Interior Specialists Because this is a very special year, there is also the opportunity to witness WE CAN REPAIR Over 10 years experience in all aspects of (and apply to be a part of) the biggest group of Coneheads ever seen in the THE FOLLOWING: leatherwork, inc. bespoke (build) and repairs. UK. The Natural Theatre Company’s show has become an iconic symbol of ! Cigarette Burns Our expertise covers both public, private and ESSEXstreetdiversions and perhaps it wouldn’t be right to celebrate the event ! Cracking commercial areas. All leatherwork undertaken and our new city status without 50 of them parading the streets. To apply to be ! Stretching comes with a 5 year warranty. Automotive a Conehead, members of the public (aged 18+) are invited to write in using no ! more than 50 words, explaining why they should get this rare opportunity Scratches interiors a speciality. “It’s never damaged indeed. Applications should be forwarded to [email protected] or ! Faded Colour beyond repair unless Hide Words says it is!” Cultural Events, Chelmsford City Council, Civic Centre, Duke Street, CM1 1JE by 10th September. NB If successful, you will be required to attend two training sessions prior to the event. HideWORKS The best way to find out more about the 50+ FREE performances taking place “Don’t get it close...GET IT PERFECT” on 29th September or the Conehead Competition is to visit the website on www.chelmsford.gov.uk/streetdiversions, find ‘Streetdiversions’ on facebook or 07863 716 244 / 01277 841 587 follow the Cultural Events Team on Twitter @CultEventsTeam. www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:38 Page 12

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Present this voucher to receive a WASH, CUT SECURITY GUARDS & BLOWDRY These guys will be back patrolling the streets of Chelmsford during ESSEX streetdiversions on Saturday 29th September and The Edge absolutely urges all for you to turn out and see them for yourselves, readers, because they are absolutely brilliant to watch. In fact, every single ‘bouncer’ in the county ought to turn up and have a bit of a chuckle at their own expense. £22.00* Their mannerisms are simply to die for, particularly the way they completely overreact to the slightest, most innocent of situations. And both their shades, ear-pieces and Sovereign rings are all absolutely CALL (01245) 346348 PRICELESS. There’s loads of other good stuff going on throughout the day too, but these Walk in appointments also available. two guys are definitely The Edge’s favourite (yes, even ahead of the remark- * Offer available Monday - Friday 10am - 4pm able Coneheads who once surrounded your editor and started stroking his bonce in front of a whole hoist of Saturday shoppers). * Offer valid until 29th September 2012 And REMEMBER, it’s all absolutely FREE - how crazy is that? You just roll up * One voucher per customer only in town, do your weekend shopping, only then you’ve got FREE entertainment for the rest of the day of a quality and standard that the vast majority of us * This voucher not to be used in conjunction with any other would definitely be happy to fork out for. promotional offer So DON’T forget to bring your cameras and your pac-a-macs (Edge granny never used to go anywhere without her pac-a-mac stashed in her handbag, * Subject to availability / selected stylists amongst a multitude of other things, such as ludicrous amounts of Rennie tablets), but then even if it does rain, the show will most definitely go on. 6 Rainsford Road, Chelmsford, CM1 2QD. Tel: 01245 346348 And if you’d actually like to become a temporary member of the remarkable We are just 50 metres from the County Hotel. LATE NIGHTS: Wednesdays & Fridays Coneheads team this year, then make sure you read the final couple of para- www.auberginethesalon.co.uk graphs of the editorial on page 11 and get your applications in pronto!

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There’s no finer sight in life than a true British Rule 4 - Nobody is interested in your struggles Olympic hero enshrined with a gold medal on Guidance for or your life story. behalf of this fine nation - gleaned particularly Boring the nation with a hastily compiled biogra- from a useful event, such as shooting, or the phy will do nothing to endear you to the public. delectable dressage. Future Olympians Day one - had two slices of brown toast then went If any of you pesky wastrels do ever achieve against girls (although never running. Day two - had two slices of brown toast something with your frankly pointless, underprivi- proven). then went running. Day three - had a tiff with leged lives, here’s some advice on how to perform And as for this thing craftily Mummy after my toast, then went running… with dignity, elegance and for the good of the turning up in the women’s shot Nobody cares that your Father passed away nation. put… (hypothetically speaking) but you carried on train- Rule 1 - Fourth is first of the losers. Yes, a few eyebrows were ing and got straight A’s in your frankly easy, mod- ‘“What a brilliant swim. It’s a fourth for Britain.’“ raised at the time, but ‘she’ ernised and liberalised A-levels (once again, hypo- That’s not a brilliant swim. It’s a disgraceful one. took the gold for the Soviets thetically speaking). Bronze is just about tolerable - at least they make and worried about failing a Nobody cares that it was wet and cold, but you a medal for it. Having said that, even with bronze, drugs test a week or so later, still did rowing practice. Essentially it’s your one can’t imagine Churchill would have approved by which point, who really choice, so bloody well get on with it. of a bronze finish in WW2. cares? And if you really must expose your emotional Or the rouge manophobe, Elizabeth I… We Brits are at our best when state - or your mundane, deprived upbringing - “Oh, how good to see you, Francis. What news of we tinker with the rules a little then do so in a speedily put together piece for my fleet against the Spanish Armada.’“ and if it gets you a podium BBC’s magazine offering, The One Show, with the “Well, my queen, we did well. I managed a position you would otherwise effortless Matthew Baker, before quietly disap- seasons best and we scraped a fourth.” have failed to achieve, then I pearing off into the ether, returning only, if you “Drake, I’m going to personally remove your for one am all for it. must, for televised northern-tripe such as Family testicles and have them lightly dusted with Rule 3 - Avoid blubbery. Fortunes or Celebrity Come Dine With Me in five smoked paprika, then fried for your new masters I’m reminded of the Eton motto; ‘Tears are for or so years time. the Catholics.” queers.’ Finally, Rule 5 - Ensure your fellow competi- We live in an era where the Chinese train sweat- In victory, be stoic, sturdy and regal. When this tors know clearly who the winner is. shop children, starving them until they win gold - nation addicted the Chinese to opium, shipped in One gets so utterly infuriated by these namby- and if that’s what it takes for the good of the from the colonies, we didn’t boo hoo ourselves to pamby post-victory interviews. nation, and to avoid future fourths, then so be it. sleep thinking about the feelings of others - we “It was a tough race, everyone performed to the Rule 2 - Be canny, it’s British. reaped the spoils and built theatres and libraries best of their ability and I’m delighted to come out The Great Escape is a film of British savvy. for the nation’s underclasses. on top.” Tricked into imprisonment by the Nazi’s, we use Note: for the modern reader the ‘underclasses’ This commonplace, media-trained, Blairite tosh of our nous and skulduggery to free ourselves from refers to the likes of that imbecile Plan B, or pretty a response has me at my wits-end. tyranny. much any members of Chelsea’s back four - even “I come from Great Britain, therefore I am evident- As such, it’s very British to be crafty and bend the the latino one Daddy calls ‘Mop Head’. ly of a superior ilk and thus I defeated you on rules. So to the likes of Dwayne Chambers, I say The British (and for a limited time, I include the today’s sporting battlefield. So return to your well done for popping a few anabolic steroids to Scots in that too) are not a nation of criers - not nation utterly shamed with the taste of yet another try and catch the super-human Usain. Have a go, even at funerals. Button your lip, keep it stiff, mak- British imperial victory in your mouths.” at least - rather than shamefully ending up 6th or ing sure to suppress your emotions until the point That’s the way to do it - before belting out the 7th, disgracing both queen and country alike. of breakdown. If one feels the wibbles, take a national anthem as though your life depended Are you telling me that the South African’s have brandy immediately and retire to one’s drawing upon it - which it does. never tried it? That chap who popped a couple of room. But winners don’t cry. Ever. Graciously, tangerines down his top and then competes The Gentleman. The Ultimate 3D Floor Plan Here at The Home Partnership we are always Steven Burnside here in our office (who is very thinking of how we can present our clients friendly chap!) would be the man to carry out properties better and make them stand out the job whilst also assessing your home. from the crowd. So, if you’re into all things technical, we’re Potential purchasers can now see in stunning sure he’d be happy to show you what we can 3D a floor plan for all properties marketed with do to enhance your property’s presentation to us and really get a feel for what it’s like to walk the maximum potential buyers. through the front door before viewing.

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Zagger S A L E After spending 3 nights on the sofa, sometimes us blokes have to ‘back down’ and it’s at times like these that we’re thankful to both Katie & Claire in the ‘Zagger For Bitches’ shop on Baddow Road who sold your editor this dinky ickle pair of cowboy boots for his dinky ickle wife (but with a firm right hook on her) for £120 - marked down by 50% - in their recent sale so that I could at least get a decent nights kip. Only THANK GOD Mrs Edge didn’t see the pair of Stella Jan’s McCartney knickers pinned to the wall for a cool £45 (what, for a pair NEW LOOK of knickers?!) or that would have Speaking of Zagger, check out Jan broken my heart had I had to fork Attrell’s new look, readers... out for the undercrackers too. He’s shaved his head completely I also took her out for a plate of gammon & chips with a pineapple bald and adopted a pair of ‘don’t I ring on top, so really, she wants to look studious’ Brains (Thunderbirds) watch her step as surely plenty of type glasses, as well as cultivating women out there would think yours the mother of all hairy beards. truly was a half-decent catch! “I’ve always bween a bit of a David Bellamy fan,” confesses Jan, “and as most of us Polacks start spout- ing whiskers by the time we’re six, the family reckons my bird’s nest is long overdue.” Anyone who wants to forage for gerbils in Jan’s beard can usually catch him at around 8:00am at Costa Coffee in Backnang Square digesting the West Ham Tribune. “When I’m not trimming my beard, I’m forever following The Irons,” says Jan. “London’s East End is Peace Offering! like home-from-home to me.”

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MISS DAISY DECIDES TO ACTUALLY DRIVE & KNOCKS ASDA’S PROFITS FOR SIX! This is what happens Only out of the blue, all hell breaks loose. turn’ it’s put down to just one of those things. when you get a “I think it was an old lady,” said first on the scene Only what sort of a ‘turn’ makes you mount the woman in her eight- Liza Gillett carrying a right expensive handbag. curb, take out a tree and ‘total’ the sophisticated ies behind the wheel “Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “I wasn’t FSH (fuel systems hut)? of one of them there shopping here. No way. I shop at Sainsbury’s, I Accomplished driver Gillett, who drives her Merc moto’ ve(hic)les... do. But I just happened to be passing, saw a bit convertible like a bloke and certainly isn’t one of Chelmer Village is a of a commotion and thought I’d see what was those annoying women who hesitates at Give sleepy little place that going on. Well, I’m a kept woman, so I’ve got the Way signs, says, “The poor old dear. Asda had nestles deep in the luxury of time, I have. Speaking of which, have probably run out of half-coasted digestive biscuits heart of Essex. you seen my watch? It’s a genuine Rolex you and she was no doubt distraught over the fact.” Nothing much hap- know, not one of those a snide ones.” A spokesperson for Asda said, “No, we hadn’t.” pens there. Perhaps a If a ‘ratboy’ had created bloke will leave his car such havoc by losing on the village green over the weekend with a control of his Citroen hastily painted price tag in the window which may Saxo, then people ruffle the locals’ feathers a bit, but all in all they’re would have rightly been a pretty forgiving bunch. Hell, they even let north- up in arms. But because erners live amongst them, as both your editor some doddery old lady and Middlesborough born David Lloyd will testify. has ‘a bit of a funny

The hut that was the ‘nerve centre’ was taken clean out No fuel sold for at least a couple of weeks

Page 16 The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:40 Page 17

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and the Hoover Dam. Went down Tragic through it is, the idiots at the wind (of which there is plenty in Black Canyon in a helicopter. Onto The Edge saw fit to hand this such small, greedy dogs), but what San Francisco, passing through spade-faced weasel some publicity I cannot bear is their utter indo- Yosemite on the way. in last months edition. lence and lack of mental intrigue. We also took in some of Route 66 Minnie (one understands also a One feels quite harsh to say it, but as well. Visited Hollywood and colloquial term for a lady part) and I they are inane, quite frankly brain YOUR George Best’s bar in LA. oft share a car to squash, as her dead creatures. Or, as Daddy likes owner - some try-hard bint - works to say when referring to the North, letters for Daddy’s business (most likely a ‘Nature’s Joke’. cleaner or something) so one occa- sionally hitches a ride to make one- self seem more popular with one’s emails team mates, and to get a taste of what the poorer do evening after All in all we did 5,500 miles in a evening. I find it helps one ‘keep in & 1990 Cadillac, which is now on a touch’ - and despite popular con- boat on its way back to the UK! sensus one has found that women We saw the real America and real actually can be entertaining, in Americans. small doses. In fact, they’re rather Do it before you die! good sport. Richard Ridgewell It seems the predominant focus of Chums, it’s quite clear that a gen- Sounds absolutely brilliant, sir, the have-nots in the 21st century is tleman’s choice of dog is the Jack although I reckon I’d rather something called the X-Factor, as Russell (and all gentlemen should cover it on two wheels. But I am well as ‘getting mashed’ (whatever have one). Spritely, disciplined - still as envious as hell. E.E. that means - sounds awfully fun) and genetically sound. They are a as well as stumpy four-legged proportionate, intelligent breed MIGHT APPEAL? beings such as Minnie. In turn, the popularised in these very shores. Dear Edge, main purpose of the existence of When you take a Jack Russell for a Spotted this ‘artwork’ on the path Minnie is to stare aimlessly at walk in your grounds, it won’t on the way home on Friday night things, look grotesque and occa- simply stare at its’ master - it will and thought it might appeal? sionally pitch a rather throaty actively ward off local heathens socialist grunt the likes of which and the homeless. When a Jack OUR you would expect from a Russell sleeps, it doesn’t sound SON! Frenchman. One feels like a like John Prescott on a repertory behaviourist, or even Darwin machine after five cigars and a watching the trallop, when her and bout of influenza. A Jack Russell the her hound are together - licking is quiet, loyal and unneedy - much to edge! each other endlessly. like a good groundsman - and Note: The Pug was popularised by therefore evidently superior to the CHELMSFORD, CM2 6XD. Frenchies such as Marie Pug. Antoinette, when France was Case closed. [email protected] monarchic (and therefore almost One hopes the Pug fad will drift off COAST TO COAST tolerable) although the breed itself into the Essex abyss, like has origins in China, like gunpow- Travellers and feminism. And the Dear Edge, der. What a horrendous concoc- county will be a better place for it. Two old age pensioners decided to tion. Yours graciously, drive across America from Chums, you must see that the Pug The Gentleman. Washington to Las Angeles zig- Sent from a is not a smoking gentleman’s dog - I positively hates Jack Russell’s, zagging as we went in a bid to see Sony Ericsson Xperia Ray it’s one for the idiotic. They are although now that I’ve dug this the sites. We went to Kentucky to You are indeed a ‘father after my amoeba, without even the basic photograph out (above), perhaps see where the Kentucky Derby is own heart’, sir. Some of us clear- ‘fetch’ functionality one requires to I’m doing the breed a disserv- run. We went to Deadwood to see ly aren’t meant to have kids and be served one’s FT with one’s ice? What’s a dog called that where Wild Bill Hickock was killed. I reckon I did the honourable thing by abstaining. But YOU - breakfast. Their only appeal is the looks like a Jack Russell, only it getting your eldest to model fact that they look like a sordid has really pointy, sticky-up ears? ‘street art’ for The Edge? genetic experiment. Just a morning I reckon it’s those I don’t like. I Tut-tut, sir, tut-tut! E.E. with one and you will see even the had a ‘bad experience’ with one rather basics of life are a struggle - when I was a nipper. E.E. ‘MINNIE’ eating, running, breathing. Their features are simply too big for their Dear Edge EDGE BAR tiny walnut heads, whilst their bod- ‘The Gentleman’s Edge-ucation’ Hi Shaun, ies are seemingly sculpted by a HOUNDS blind person with Mamma’s home As a begrudging associate of the made Play Dough. Chelmsfordian Pug known locally A Pug is for human intrigue, an as ‘Minnie’, one felt compelled to object for show in the same way share one’s frustration at the popu- John Merrick was, or Gordon larity of this vacuous, nigh, person- Brown. As such, I fear we’ve lost ality redundant breed of hound, the reason why a dog is a man’s the Pug. best friend - because they do use- ful things we don’t want to do; herding sheep, collecting one’s Through Custer National Park to shot animals, tearing foxes apart, Mount Rushmore to see the rock or detecting cowardly placed carvings of the American presi- bombs in some Godforsaken dents. Through St. Louis to see Me and the missus have just got colony. I’d like to see a Pug suc- Chuck Berry’s bar and dip our feet back from 2 glorious weeks spent cessfully detecting an Improvised in the Mississippi river. Through the at the Royal Kenz Hotel in Port El Explosive Device in Lashkar Gar Black Hills of Dakota. Through the Kantoui, Tunisia. On a 25p bus ride …actually, having said that, I really Indian reservations where we met to the Medina in Scousse, we spot- rather would. Shoshone Indians and onto ted this and thought of you! Yes, one can almost tolerate the Yellowstone to see the geysers, Mark Spearman. oversized billiard balls they have including ‘Old Faithful’. Then Reno, You probably can’t see this too for eyes; one can even tolerate Las Vegas. Flew over Lake Mead well, readers, but it says ‘EDGE their disobedient tails flaunting in BAR’! Page 18 Spade-faced weasel? The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:40 Page 19

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head, his member grows until it is quite an UNFAIR WORLD impressively size. How comes when a man talks dirty to a woman “Wow!” she Maureen. “Although it’s still a bit it’s considered to be sexual harassment, yet narrow.” when a woman talks dirty to a man it’s £2.50 “No problem,” says the Martian, and starts per minute (charges may vary)? pulling his ears. With each pull, his member ONLY grows wider and wider until he really has got a ST. VALENTINE’S DAY provocative physical specimen. I’ve just booked a table for St. Valentines Day Thereafter, they fall into bed and make mad for me and the missus. It’s bound to end in tears passionate love all night long. though (sniff); she's crap at snooker. Next morning, the couples rejoin their respective partners and immediately Mike asks Maureen, SPARKS FLEW JOKING! “Well, was it good for you?” Met a beautiful girl down at the park this WATCHA DOIN’ Maureen answers, “I honestly didn’t think it was evening. You know how it is; sparks instantly fly, A pensioner’s wife said to him one morning, going to be, but it turned out to be absolutely she fell at my feet and we ended up having “Watcha doin’ today?” bloody brilliant. How about you?” mad, passionate sex right there and then. Her husband answered, “Nuthin’.“ “Horrible!” answers Mike. “I’ve got a throbbing God, I love my new Taser! She said, “But y’did nuthin’ yesterday. headache and my ears are really sore.” He said, “Yeah, but I didn’t get finished.” JACK RUSSELL MIDDLE EAST CRISIS Got a new Jack Russell puppy today. WISDOM OF A RETIREE A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as He's mainly black and brown with just a small I’ve often been asked, “What do you old folks do Dubai Television was refused permission to area of white. now that you’re retired?” Well, I’m fortunate to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. I've called him Coventry. have a chemical engineering background and A spokesman for the channel said, “A claim was one of the things I enjoy most of all is turning made that people in Dubai would not under- SWINE FLU beer, wine, scotch and margaritas into urine. stand the humour, but we know for a fact that If you receive an email telling you that you can they get it in Abu Dhabi Do....” catch Swine Flu from tins of ham, delete it LIFE ON MARS immediately. It's Spam. The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land ENGLISH SPEAKING DOCTOR on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent On holiday in Spain recently, I spotted a sign SEX IS BEST Flier miles. that said `English Speaking Doctor’. I thought, They say that sex is the best form of exercise. They soon meet a Martian couple and are talk- 'What a novel idea that is. Why don't we have Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think ing about all sorts of things, when finally them at home?' that two minutes and fifteen seconds every Maureen brings up the subject of sex. three months is going to shift my beer gut. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. SCREAMER The Martians respond, “Well, pretty much the The girl I picked up last night was really quite ABUSED same way as you do.” the screamer. In fact, if you cocked your head, I’ve just watched a documentary about children A discussion then ensues and finally, the two you could still hear her....even though she was being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. couples decide to swap partners for the night gagged and bound in the basement. But hey, looking at the quality of the stitching on and experience some intergalactic activities. my new trainers, I reckon the little buggers Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bed- GREAT BRADFORD RUN probably deserve it. room where the Martian strips, only he's got I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. such a teeny-weeny weenie willie that Maureen It's not an official race, you understand, but it CHERRY ON TOP starts to laugh. certainly helps keep me fit. I just stand in the When I was a kid, people used to cover me in “I honestly don't think this is going to work,” she city centre and shout "Allah is a tosser!" and off chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my says. we jolly well go. head. “Why not?” asks the Martian, puzzled. Yep, life was sure tough in the gateau. “Because your thing’s too small,” Maureen RACISM CARD blurts. Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to DOREEN “No problem,” says the Martian, and proceeds produce the 'racism card' these days. My local Co-Op ran out of milk again today, due to start slapping himself on his forehead with the Case in point; a customer’s just asked me, "In to the freezing weather. Fortunately, my elderly palm of his hand. With each slap of his fore- what aisle will I find some Irish sausages?" neighbour Doreen had plenty stacked on her I said, "Are you Irish by any chance?" doorstep. Clearly offended, he said, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had come in here and SALE NOW ON asked for some Italian sausages, would you Beds for lesbians at IKEA. No nuts or screwing have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked involved. It’s tongue and groove all the way. for some German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a kosher MUSLIM SHOOTING hot dog, would you have asked me if I was A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol. Jewish? Or if I had asked for some Tacos, Police say it is definitely race related. would you have thought me Mexican?” I said, "No, I probably wouldn't." RAPED So the guy says, "Well then, just because I ask The lead actor in the local pantomime produc- you for some Irish sausages, why on earth do tion of Aladdin was anally raped by a gay genie you ask me if I am Irish?" on stage last night. But to be fair, the audience I said, "Because you’re in Halfords, sir." did try to warn him....

STROBE LIGHTING CHRISTMAS DAY I've just fitted some strobe lighting to our bed- Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas falls on a Friday room. It’s great. Honestly, during sex, it makes this year." the wife look as though she's actually moving.” Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

WINNING THE LOTTERY DRY HAIR Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to them. They said it would make them so happy it him, "Did you find the shampoo?" would be just like winning the Lottery. Paddy shouts back, "Yes, but it's for dry hair So I agreed and they were right. and I've just wet mine.” To my horror, we all had six matching balls. Remember, these are only jokes, folks!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected] The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:41 Page 21

50 things that make you a grown-up I read this article under the headline above and pretty much the first thing that was mentioned was something that your editor is 100% anally reten- tive about, and it goes something like this: if you wash-up straight after a meal, you can truly claim to be a grown-up. Christ, I even wash up whilst the meal is in the process of being cooked, because to my mind, the less washing-up afterwards, the better. (Even )XOO\ÀWWHGEDWKURRPVVXSSOLHGDQGÀWWHGIURP after ‘Edge Towers’ has had a bit of a make-over and we now own a dish- £3495.00 washer, of all contraptions, I am still actually loathe to put anything in it, Bathrooms, Ensuites, Cloakrooms, Wetrooms, Shower rooms which seems to disturb her indoors immensely, for some reason.) Other obvious indicators of maturity include having a view on politics Building work, Heating, Plumbing, Electrics, Tiles, (they’re all scumbags who’re in it for their own good, not ours), taking trips Flooring, Carpentry, to the local dump (I am practically on first name terms with all the ‘workers’ Ideal Standard, NoCode, Aqualisa Hi-Qu, Bette, Kaldewei, who loaf about there) and wearing a (sensible) coat on a night out (well, 6KRZHUOX[0+6UDGLDWRUV0RQWURVHÀWWHGIXUQLWXUH you don’t want to catch a cold, do you?). Apparently, most people tend not to feel grown-up until they’re at least 26 )XOO\ÀWWHGNLWFKHQVVXSSOLHGDQGÀWWHGIURP (but surely you feel all grown-up if you’re on your second marriage and £3495.00 you’ve already had a couple of kids by then?). Building work, Granite, Lighting, Tiles, Flooring Writing a will is also a grown-up thing to do (as is updating an existing one, Appliances, Sinks and taps, Electrics, Wood worktops which is something I definitely need to attend to) as is having life insurance K Kitchens, Made to measure kitchens, Granite, (dead boring, but necessary). Solid wood worktops, Franke sink and taps, Finding a messy house annoying is something else I can definitely relate to, although the trouble is, I’m always the one who messes it up in the first Abode, Appliances place and as I have literally zero organisational skills, I can never for the life of me tidy anything up as I really do tend to hoard shite that ‘I can’t )XOO\ÀWWHGDGDSWHGVKRZHUURRPIURP£3995.00 throw away because I just might need it one day’. )XOO\ÀWWHGZDONLQEDWKURRPIURP£5995.00 And what about spending the weekend ‘pottering’. OMG, how embarrass- ing is it to actually recognise that you actively do such things? 3OHDVHSKRQHIRU\RXUIUHHQRREOLJDWLRQVXUYH\DQGTXRWDWLRQ )ULHQGO\SURIHVVLRQDOVHUYLFH Or what about not minding having a look around garden centres? Christ, /DUJHHQRXJKWRFRSHVPDOOHQRXJKWRFDUH we sometimes do three or four at a time in the spring/summer, yet I Family run business remember when I was a kid I used to proper throw my toys out of the pram whenever my parents made an impromptu visit to one. &KHOPVIRUG6KRZURRP 0DOGRQ6KRZURRP Holding dinner parties. Hmmmm? I guess you’ve actually got to have some 122 Byron road 1A Edward Bright Close friends in the first place to do that. Bathtub &KHOPVIRUG Bathrooms and Kitchens Maldon So, all in all, it appears that I am definitely an adult, albeit one with a mas- Essex CM2 6HJ Essex CM9 5RU sive childish streak. Tel : 01245 269778 ZZZEDWKWXERQOLQHFRXN Tel : 01621 859966 So how did you score, readers?

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An avid reader sent this in and at first The Edge thought it had to be a wind up (still might be?) - but apparently it’s a vegetable called a boob guord which is grown in Viet Nam (???) “Make it quick with the Barista’s 2nd condiments, Waitress.” Oktoberfest takes What is it with restaurants, eh? place this month! They serve you a meal and then Barista, opposite Chelmsford Bus stand there, while it’s getting Station, were the first bar to serve cold, asking you a damn stupid steins of beer in our fair ickle city and question the likes of, “Would you continue to do so to this day with like any mustard with your steak, steins of Bitburger for only £7! sir?” Here’s what’s on offer at their festival:- Telesales £26,000 OTE Of course I bloody well would! That’s actually a given, isn’t it? Bitburger Premium Pilsner 4.8% Information Solutions - £14,000 basic + commission So off they trot to get some, at Brewed exclusively in Bitburg, which point I am counting the Germany, since 1817. A crisp tast- seconds, which generally turn ing, refreshing beer with a strong into minutes, and all this time my hoppy taste. A great opportunity to join a young dynamic team steak is getting cold. Köstritzer Schwarzbier 4.8% Worst thing is, this is a common An authentic, smooth and full bod- You will need to be energetic, very hard working and occurrence. ied dark lager with a touch of I’ve often even said in restau- sweetness. Subtle malty tones with ambitious. You must have a fun, outgoing personality rants, “Can you bring me some a hint of chocolate offer so much and be comfortable making a high volume of ketchup for me chips (or whatev- more than a standard lager. outbound calls, handling rejections and forging new er) before they arrive?“ only it’s König 4.9% as though they don’t even hear One of Germany’s oldest pilsners, relationships. Ideally you will have previous telesales you, because they always say, brewed since 1858. Pale gold in experience and great communication skills. “Your waitress will attend to that colour, with a light refreshing taste for you, sir.” and distinctive hop aroma. Yes....while my bloody steak is Benediktiner 5.4% If you really are ambitious call us NOW or submit your An amber-coloured wheat beer, getting colder and colder. which boats a unique, tingly CV at www.dbsdata.co.uk/work-with-us What are they scared of? That I’ll character with a balanced hoppy start tucking into the mustard with bitterness. a spoon before my meal has Wernesgrüner 4.9% arrived? Light, golden-yellow in colour, with Call: 01245 397 570 SORT IT OUT! The Edge is on a a light hoppy taste and bitterness, crusade to STAMP THIS NON- fresh sparkling character and full www.dbsdata.co.uk SENSE OUT FOR GOOD! bodied taste. Page 22 www.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:41 Page 23

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Elms Personal Fitness has devel- appointment, rather than just think- oped a concept that is designed to ing i'll go to the gym tomorrow and give each member more motiva- tomorrow never comes! tion, more enjoyment and a far bet- ter chance of achieving their weight Alongside this Elms Personal loss and fitness results in a friendly Fitness provide you with an eating WHO ATE ALL THE PIES? personal atmosphere. formula for you to follow so you The Edge thinks this is a blinding photograph that Lengthy-Boy captured see maximum results (they wouldnt up at ‘V’....not least because the more out of focus this bint is, the better. The Elms GPT (group personal let us know how this works as its a Who is she? training) System means each and secret for members only!) The per- The Edge hasn’t got a clue, nor does it particularly want to know. every time you go to Elms Personal sonal trainers will then monitor you Yes, this publication accepts that ‘stereotypical popstars’ can often be Fitness you will always have a per- on a regular basis to make sure boring and it’s good to ‘break the mould’ sometimes, but there’s breaking it sonal trainer with you to train you, everything is going the right way, and smashing it to smithereens. so you get the motivation, enjoy- and if its not they will simply tell ‘Big boned’ my arse. ment and results that you don’t get you what you need to do so it And look, see, she’s even got a fag from training on your own. Every does! on the go (right) too. session is different from the last so And fancy putting her on the same you don’t get bored of doing the So the Elms Personal Fitness page as Elms Personal Fitness..... same thing either! unique GPT System is a new excit- Chris’ll be doing his nut! ing way to train so there is no rea- The Edge’ll tell you what though: Also, every session is pre booked son why you shouldnt try them and it’ll bet you a quid that this fat lass so you should find that will actually take advantage of their 7 day free has got a cracking personality. give you that extra bit of encour- trial! check out www.elmspersonal- Well, you’d have to have, wouldn’t agement to turn up as you have an fitness.co.uk for more information. you? What the f *** ???

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[email protected] Page 23 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:41 Page 24

This is the house that Brad stayed in FACT: BRAD PITT STAYED FOR and look, readers, it’s a ‘semi’, which is exactly what your editor lives in! 3 NIGHTS AT CHANNELS LODGE ...IN CHELMSFORD! There’s a movie due out this December starring Brad Pitt called World War Z - about zombies and stuff - which involved three days filming at East Hanningfield Reservoir and (even) Billericay, The Edge believes. Only guess where Brad Pitt ended up staying for three nights?

“I know it sounds absolutely crazy,” says Katie Squire, head honcho (General Manager) at Channels, pictured both on Brad’s loo and on his bed, “but apparently he doesn’t like staying in big, anonymous hotels. He’d been staying at the Crowne Plaza near Blackfriars and was fed up with all the travelling when Channels Lodge received a call concerning a certain ‘A’ list celebrity known only as a mysterious ‘Mr. Evans’.” This is the toilet that Readers, if you have never visited Channels Lodge, then you seriously Brad....you know! ought to check out the rooms there as they are absolutely gorgeous. As its name suggests, it’s a part of Channels Golf Course.

“He did a bit of filming in Devon not so very long ago,” continues Katie, “and instead of staying at a hotel he rented out an entire B&B.”

There were also rumours that wife Angelina was going to turn up with ‘a few’ of their brats, but it never materialised. So instead, Brad’s security guys rang up and asked for the access codes to the porn channels “It’s true,” laughs Katie, “....but then he is a bloke after all!”

So were there any other special requests from Mr Pitt?

“I had to get up early to get him a copy of USA Today every morning before he left for filming at around 7:15am/7:30am.” says Katie.

“He also ate steak and chips every single night and managed to get through four-and-a-half bottles of French red wine during his stay, which cost sixty quid a bottle from Majestic. But then he’s supposedly pretty good friends with Jean Black, his make-up artist, so she probably helped him out as well. When it was dark, he would sometimes sit on the front doorstep of the cottage and just gaze up at the stars....when he wasn’t watching porn, that is!”

The Edge asked Katie whether moneybags Brad had left her a tip? “He did, actually,” Katie confessed, though somewhat coyly, “but only twenty quid, which I thought was a little bit tight of him. But I also polished off that half-bottle of French red he left and it was gorgeous.” This is the And what was the first thing she did after Brad had departed? bed that Brad slept in....on his own! “I went and jumped straight into his bed, of course,” smiles Katie, broadly. “Well, what girl wouldn’t?” Page 24 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:41 Page 25

THEM HEAVY PEOPLE Rolling the ball (rolling), rolling the ball (rolling), rolling the ball to me.

They arrived at an inconvenient time. I was hiding in a room in my mind. They made me look at myself. I saw it well. I'd shut the people out of my life.

So now I take the opportunities: Wonderful teachers ready to teach me. I must work on my mind. For now I Ahh, Bless Her! realise: Just what was ‘Our Catherine’ Everyone of us has a heaven inside. thinking of when she wrote Them Them heavy people hit me in a soft Heavy People, eh? spot. Loopy as a box of frogs, she was, Them heavy people help me. but lovely that she got recognised Them heavy people hit me in a soft at the Olympics closing ceremony spot. as we are rather fond of our eccent- Rolling the ball (rolling), rolling the ball rics in this country, which is nice. (rolling), rolling the ball to me. Proud to be British Mind you, back in the late seven- The Edge was so not bothered about the Olympics. ties, I used to love Kate Bush. Couldn’t honestly see what all the fuss and preamble had been about for They open doorways that I thought were Correction: actually, I used to love a God knows how long? shut for good. girl who used to love Kate Bush But wasn’t it absolutely, totally BRILLIANT? Right from the opening ceremo- They read me Gurdjieff and Jesu. They build up my body, break me and I thought that if I loved Kate ny, in fact, when Boyle’s Lancashire chimneys and the music he emotionally. Bush too, then this girl would love created really did it for The Edge (talk about having a helluva lot expected of It's nearly killing me, what a lovely me, only it didn’t quite work out like you, yet still making people gawp in both awe and astonishment). feeling! Start to finish, the whole event just flowed - really flowed - like a dream, to that, which is when I first discov- ered chloroform. But hey, readers, such an extent that there was a genuine sadness at its passing, but some- I love the whirling of the dervishes. how a ‘good sadness’, if that’s at all possible. I love the beauty of their innocence. that’s a story for another time. Nor was it about Bolt or Ennis or Farah or Felix or Phelps or Wiggins or Hoy You don't need no crystal ball, The Kick Inside though: what a or Ainslie...it was much, much bigger than that. Don't fall for a magic wand. debut album that was. As a nation, we have always been so jolly good at being down on ourselves. We humans got it all, we perform the However, if The Edge had to nomi- We’re masters at it. Stiff upper lip (and all of that nonsense), we’re never miracles. nate the greatest Kate Bush song ones to ‘big ourselves up’ because, for one thing, we always expect to fall flat of all time, it would definitely be Them heavy people hit me in a soft This Woman’s Work and if you’ve on our faces at the very next hurdle. spot. But when something good - something really positive - happens in this coun- Them heavy people help me. never listened to it, then you defi- try, it always seems to bring the very best out of its people and it was a pure Them heavy people hit me in a soft nitely ought to Google it, for it is joy not to be addressing riots or war or unemployment or a faltering economy spot. nothing short of remarkable. for just a couple of weeks. Rolling the ball (rolling), rolling the ball And her latest work is also earning Yep, for a fortnight, everything in the garden seemed as though it was rosy... (rolling), rolling the ball to me... her gongs, so it’s good to see that ...until Brian May took centre-stage right at the end and ruined it all. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT, EH?! there’s still life in the old cat yet. MAKING SOUND COME ALIVE

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[email protected] Page 25 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:41 Page 26

MAD SCIENCE? same way, despite the fact that With the amount of technology ME & MY adamantium they have no physical connection that’s now ubiquitous in our lives, and they’re not even in the same and the speed of scientific skeleton physical location. progress and discovery, it’s under- Einstein called it: “Spooky action at standable that many of us may a distance” and at first he refused become inured to the sense of to believe it was even possible... wonder we should be feeling about and Einstein sciences like a mutha- the times we live in. Even the fuka! Large Hadron Collider, which often It’s highly likely that taking this to made the news after idiots believed the next level and actually teleport- it could create a black hole and kill ing matter will never happen, but us all, is now commonplace and we’re taking the first very small relegated to the ‘Hadron What?’ steps to making it possible, which corner of our collective conscious. is really exciting stuff. At the very Luckily, science is still doing its part least, it appears the Chinese may to make sure we don’t lose our be on the way to creating a com- ability to say, “Holy shit! They did pletely secure and instantaneous what?” There are some truly amaz- form of communication, something ing and, quite frankly, sexy things which will be causing certain being researched and developed nations to piss their red white and right now, and I freely admit to get- blue undercrackers. ting nerd-boners when I read about Remember at the beginning of this this sort of stuff. article when I mentioned the (large) Hadron collider and how some people thought it might create a The Kingmeister reports black hole? Well, the Hadron didn’t, The other night I had a dream that with that information travelling via but those little tinkers in China I knocked Megatron out with one wire or through the atmosphere decided to go ahead and create an punch to the face. Then Optimus and bouncing off an antenna or artificial black hole anyway and the Prime arrived and drove me possibly a satellite. more astute readers amongst you around Tokyo while that po-faced But now Chinese scientists have will have already noticed that we’re girl from the ‘Twilight’ films played managed to send information not dead and that the earth hasn’t with my little dinkie in the front between two locations that are 90 imploded. seat. I’d love to be able to watch kilometres apart and they did it And for those of you who don’t that again and dare I say that it’s instantly. Even radio waves - even know, and haven’t even seen the still a better storyline than most of light itself - takes time to get some- Disney movie, then a black hole is the cobblers on TV. where because it has to travel from formed when a supermassive star I can confidently predict two things A - B. But the Chinese managed to collapses in on itself and becomes if this technology ever becomes make A and B effectively one and so dense that it creates an commercially available to the aver- the same place, completely taking inescapable gravity well around it age Joe. (1) YouTube will quite lit- distance out of the equation. that sucks in everything in the erally melt down and (2) the porn If you can’t see how potentially immediate vicinity, including both industry will explode and probably huge this is, then please turn the light and time. Yes, even I’m forced Oh dear, I think I just scienced start running the world. But it’s not page and never read my column to agree that black holes probably in my pants. all just Transformers and hand-jobs again. For those of you who are aren’t the best things to be experi- Arthur C. Clarke said that: “Any in the world of science though. still with me, I’ll try and expand a menting on. But, you know....it’s sufficiently advanced technology is Some of this stuff does have practi- little further. At the moment, we can called science! indistinguishable from magic” and cal and useful applications. only ‘teleport’ photons using what’s he was quite correct. Some of the In the Netherlands they’ve man- known as quantum entanglement. stuff they’re working on now really aged to design a system that You’ve probably heard the phrase does seem more like magic than allows people in a vegetative state ‘quantum theory’ at some point or science. For example, researchers to actually communicate with peo- another, or, more likely, you were at Berkeley have designed a way ple by typing with their mind. Yes, probably getting it mixed up with to actually record your thoughts I’m serious! Your brain thinks of a the James Bond movie Quantum and dreams and transmit them as word and it appears on screen. You of Solace! can even think ‘spacebar’ and a All you need to know about it is images on a screen. “Seriously, we’re just screwing space appears between the words. that at the quantum level, things Just let that sink in for a second... around at this point.” They can record your thoughts and get very cool and extremely weird. play them back as video??? The established laws of physics While possibly catastrophically Admittedly this technology has a basically have the shit kicked out of dangerous, being able to create long way to go and the images them and their lunch money stolen. and control an artificial black hole transmitted are extremely blurred Even things like gravity don’t work could lead to almost limitless possi- and grainy, but they’re still recog- as we know it at this level. bilities, from free, unending energy nisable. How cool would it be to be ‘Quantum Entanglement’ means supplies to manipulating gravity. If able to record your dreams and that two distinct and separate pho- it means we might actually get our watch them again on TV? tons are linked in some way. How, flying cars one day, then I think it’s we don’t know yet, but make a a risk worth taking. change to one photon and it’s Morons, please take note. These are literally just a handful of entangled partner changes in the things that our egg-headed friends Personally, I’d be interested to are working on right now and the apply this technology to the aver- best thing for me is that this is just age teenage internet user and see the stuff we know about. So what if it can improve their atrocious could they be doing behind closed spelling and grammar. I doubt it, and classified doors? That’s some- but you never know. thing to leave to the imagination. Now, if I start talking about telepor- I’ll let Einstein have the last word: tation, then you know I’m talking “Imagination is more important than science-fiction right? Well, that’s knowledge. Knowledge is limited to not entirely accurate anymore. all we now know and understand, We’re all familiar with how radios while imagination embraces the Trust me, she didn’t look that and telephones work. Information “Back up dawg! There’s science entire world, and all there will ever impressed. is sent from one device to another, going down!” be to know and understand.” Page 26 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:41 Page 27

A New World View minimum of one year, often two. The opportunity Those of a sharper intellect will have noticed the for shortish rentals – say six months – is very change of heading for this month’s column. In limited. So you better be pretty certain you like fact, given the striking colours, it’s impossible to the one you choose, because you’re gonna be miss it even if you wanted to. stuck there a while. This has good points and Despite this being a Chelmsford fanzine, the ’50 bad. As a tenant, clearly this gives you a bit more Not Out’ monthly missive has, for the past seven security in so far as the landlord can’t chuck you years, winged its way to you up the A12 from out or hike up the rent at regular intervals. But on central London and it was fast approaching the the other hand, you’re tied in too, and if your time when the title would have to move on a bit plans change, well, hard luck buddy boy. anyway. “Where’s me bus pass?” was the next in OK, so you’ve found one you like - now it starts line. However, good fortune has intervened and to get really tricky. Being a stupid European, for the next few years, this column will be you’ve neglected to get yourself a credit history employing the wonders of modern technology to in the USA. How dumb is that? You also won’t take its place towards the back end of The Edge, have a Social Security Number. Those two so to speak, from one of the three best cities in pieces of vital information are the keys to just much better system. All properties available in the world – New York. Which begs the question about everything in the US. There are ways New York are stored on one monster database. as to what the other two are, but we’ll leave that around it, but those ways are such a deviance This database is equally accessible by anyone for another day. from normal practice and procedures that it’s a who wants to become a realtor (horrible, horrible So, instead of the usual whinges about transport constant battle with the pen pushers, and a word) and, significantly, to you as a potential in the UK, the financial inequalities of the seemingly endless string of credit card entries. buyer/renter. So you, as the mug punter, have Premier League and how incompetent the aver- Yes, this is America - money smoothes most only one smooth talking shyster to deal with. You age service provider is, for a while at least we’ll things, but I guess that’s true the world over. do get the feeling that the better realtors appear be looking at the world from 42nd and 10th to You start the paperwork, but most of all the to know about properties that aren’t yet on the see what’s in view. And along the way, hopefully apartment owner wants his security deposit and database, so it isn’t a completely level playing we can uncover insights into the differences first month rent and he wants it NOW. But you field, but this does appear, on the surface at between the US and the UK. For obvious rea- can’t get a US bank account because you least, to be a far better way of organising things. sons, any comparisons are more likely to be haven’t got a Social Security Number. You can Thereafter a very quick search of the database between NY and London, but where possible, see this is all a bit circular. So another monster will bring home to you one thing immediately: the due respect will be given to the global city that entry on the credit card is necessary to smooth cost is staggering. Even by central London stan- has become Chelmsford, Essex. away that particular problem. dards, rental property here is monumentally Let’s start with finding somewhere to live. Within Eventually, after a very expensive and slightly expensive. But, on the other hand, this being the first week of attempting to rent an apartment stressful week, it all works out OK, as things usu- America, standards are higher. For example, - not a flat note, but an apartment - it becomes ally do, and you get the keys to a lovely, but every single available apartment is going to be obvious that a particularly different approach is totally empty, apartment. re-decorated from top to bottom when the current required to that back home. And that’s it for the first column from NYC. tenants move out and before the next (potentially In the UK, if you’re looking for a property to rent Next time we’ll look at how you go about turning me) moves in. That just doesn’t happen back or buy, you traipse around every estate agent in your empty apartment into something to live in, home - properties get a damn good clean for town and are bombarded for months afterwards which will involve the worst word in the English sure, but a complete re-decoration? by unwanted sales bullshit. Here, they have a language: IKEA. Then there’s the fact that leases are always a A better way to divorce? If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the chil- dren. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and expensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court system operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges. At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.

For more information, contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696, email: [email protected] or visit www.thblegal.com.

The Edge 077 646 797 44 To comment on this article email: [email protected] Page 27 The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:42 Page 28

Wickes Maldon Store Manager Attempts Alaskan Wilderness Trek James Degiorgio will be backpack- including leukaemia, lymphoma and ing through mountains, climbing myeloma. over glaciers and rafting down Leukaemia & Lymphoma Research rivers to trek the Talkeetna has been the DIY chain’s national Mountains to help raise money for charity partner since late 2006. The the blood cancer charity Leukaemia partnership has surpassed all & Lymphoma Research. expectations and to date has raised Following a day’s acclimatisation in a phenomenal £2.4million for the Anchorage, the team will set off on charity’s life-saving research. 4th September for an 8 day trek James (33) will be part of a 20- from the base of the Talkeetna strong team looking to add to that Mountains. James will hike for at total and is thrilled to be taking part: least eight hours a day through “I was desperate to be a part of this challenging and inconsistent ter- challenge and when I got the call to rain, including glaciers and rocks. join the team I was overwhelmed. The team will also be rafting down I've really taken this charity to my one of the most challenging water heart. Edge readers can support ways in Alaska. James and the team by visiting James is taking on this challenge to their justgiving page: support the charity’s life-saving https://www.justgiving.com/WickesA research into all blood cancers, laskaChallengeJamesDegiorgio FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward

Page 28 The Edge191:The172.qxd24/08/201218:18Page29 a blinding job? blinding a he’sdone reckons editor your cos readers, do what year, but this good as weren’t pictures his Length’ said ‘The you think, think, [email protected] The Edge 191:The Edge 172.qxd 24/08/2012 12:44 Page 30

being part of 180,000 people all singing the national anthem - then when the ladies basketball team ran out, everyone started singing, “We Will Rock You...” whilst stamping their feet. The ground was literally shaking, whilst I was on my feet doing the Village People dance, much to my son’s amazement. Women’s GB Basketball was the most exciting thing I have ever seen in my life. I was on the edge of my seat - 2 ‘goals’ in the last 14 sec- onds! I love basketball now! Today’s lady athletes are tanned, manicured, with glossy hair, white teeth, decked out from head to foot in designer wear. Purrrfect! EGG ON MY FACE I was so sad when our night came to London 2012’s slogan was ‘inspire a an end, but even our journey home generation’. Before The Games was full of fun and laughter. started, the last thing I was feeling I so miss The Olympics. Tom Daley was inspired. How was I going to had me hiding behind a cushion, too get to Westfield’s to do some shop- scared to look in case he messed it ping? Who was going to pay for all up, whilst I was screaming at this malarkey? I even fell asleep the TV: “Bash him! Bash him! Bash whilst watching the first half of the him!” during the boxing. Opening Ceremony. I even ran round the house in sup- Then, out of the blue, a good friend port of Sam Murray, willing her on as called me up. “Hey, get your arse she completed the triathlon. down here. I’ve got you a corporate Which got me to thinking: if we can ticket to The Olympics.” Now my all be so nice to each other whilst arse was distinctly not impressed. competing against each other, hey, ”But I’m supposed to be taking my why can’t we have world peace? son to McDonalds,” I complained. London showed the world how good Only my son then kicked off. “Come we are - the Olympic Village was on,” he said, “let’s go, Mum”. British craftsmanship at its best. Naturally I tried to bribe him other- We are a very small island, yet came wise, but no amount of Big Mac’s third out of the whole world - what an could seemingly persuade him. achievement that is - whilst the So literally thirty minutes later, under Union Jack is once again a symbol much duress, we’re on a train to of pride. We really are Great Britain Stratford. I had a face like thunder and I well and truly eat my words. and was dreading having to watch a woman’s basketball match. I even STAYING IN took a book in my bag to read. To my I’ve developed an addiction of box mind, The Olympics brought back sets. I am definitely one of the esti- bad memories of the very butch Miss mated 8 million box set junkies; no Burt, bellowing at me to run faster doubt Russell Brand will soon be and jump higher, together with navy popping round to do a programme blue knickers and aertex shirts in the on me. I find myself glued to the TV - freezing cold. I absolutely hated PE there’s something so exciting about when I was at school. being the first (Olympic fever?) of But how wrong can you be? your friends to watch a whole box From the moment we got off the train set of something. It’ll be 2.30am and the atmosphere was absolutely elec- I know I ought to be in bed because I tric. Hundreds of thousands of peo- have to get up for work in a few ple from all over the world talking hours, but then the devil inside me and laughing with each other. We whispers, ‘Go on. Just one more walked through the Olympic Park episode!’ and it was fantastic; the volunteer ‘Staying in’ has now become the new ‘Games Makers’ were truly amazing; ‘going out’. I’ve already done The everyone was so proud to simply be West Wing, The Sopranos (twice), there. Six Feet Under, Walking Dead, The As we were a bit early we went to Wire, Weeds, Satisfaction (the watch the big screens and straight raunchy version of Sex in the City away people made space for us with Oz-style (and girls, if you haven’t, food and drink being shared amongst complete strangers. It was you should), and even Battlestar a real party atmosphere. Galactica (although if you haven’t, My son is diabetic and as we were in you shouldn’t) whilst watching them a queue for a drink he began to feel all rather furtively, because overdos- a bit hot and dizzy, so I asked a mar- ing on telly has always been consid- shal if he could assist. Within sec- ered a bit naff and a waste of time. onds, people at the front of the Yet according to Match.com - the queue were passing both food and number one dating site - a woman drink back to him and the queue who puts ‘like’ box sets on their pro- then immediately parted like the Red file is immediately seen to be friendly Sea for us to get to the front. and approachable by men and con- Everyone was so sweet and con- jures up thoughts of couples in bed, cerned and simply wanted to help. lounging or snuggled up on the sofa. No one moaned. Everyone wanted Although my advice, ladies, is don’t to do the right thing. for goodness sake put it on your pro- Never have I seen so many people - file because it makes men think you so many different nationalities of are a cheap date and an excuse to people - simply wanting to embrace come round to yours and be waited one another and be friends. on hand and foot, which is a definite The highlight of our night was no-no in my bleary eyes!

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PHOTO FINISH

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