Colossal Anticlimax Greener Pastures In Like Gillian Flynn

Jordan Margetts watches the latest kaiju film, is Jack Adams tells us why we’ve got to let it berm, Caitlin Abley attempts to reinvent herself with a not blown (Anne Hath)away let it berm, gotta let it berm daytrip and a doo-rag [1] The University of School of Music GRAD GALA CONCERTO COMPETITION 10th Anniversary

Thursday 4 May, 7.30pm, .

JOELLA PINTO JULIE PARK SARA LEE TCHAIKOVSKY CECIL FORSYTH TCHAIKOVSKY Violin Concerto in D major, Concerto for Viola and Piano Concerto No. 1 Op. 35 Mvt. I Orchestra in G minor Mvt. I, III in B flat minor, Op. 23 Mvt. I

Free admission Patrons are strongly advised to arrive early to be assured of admission. ISSUE SEVEN CONTENTS

9 10 NEWS COMMUNITY

STAMPING FEET FOR SHAKING UP THE SCIENCE SYSTEM Recapping the worldwide Less awareness, more tangible Marches for Science results needed for mental health

13 20 LIFESTYLE FEATURES

TEA-RIFFIC YOU HAVIN’ A LAUGH?

Different teas to dip your Craccum’s guide to the NZ Inter- bikkies into national Comedy Festival

24 34 ARTS COLUMNS

REMEMBERING CARRIE SYMPHONIC FISHER SATISFACTION The stars will be shining a little Michael Clark takes a look at the brighter this May 4th magic of music in media

[3] PRO1159_013_CRA

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For more information and to apply visit aucklandcouncil.govt.nz/graduates EDITORIAL ------host Matt Matt host 2 Squirt and Studio Samantha Gianotti Samantha But what about those of us who wanted to wanted who of us those about what But chan music the in created TV The gap ALT Zealand this New music So celebrate as we vid Bowie wiggling their butts in “Dancing in the in “Dancing in wiggling butts Bowie vid their Str e e t ”. of our terms in rest the from distinguish ourselves taste? inner music Who needed our nourish to mu the TV, ALT snob? 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End”— mammoth “The The was Doors’ cut was so sad.so poignant, twoLive U for years before gaping lay market nel 2011. seemed in to scene the onto burst gooda that balance music between strike playing solid and having mainstream so obviously wasn’t peeps, including few a by “hip” Fronted banter. long-forgotten then U Live producer cool “on-set” Gibb turned once a Sec” in handyman “Tech Telecom turned TVNZ job,a of the out was he flagshipU provid - suc FOUR to Live (C4’s alternative ed a welcome only lasted The show and a bit years.cessor). two as opposed too to too “hip” across it came times At ’s definitely it was But “alternative”. channel. music final great chan music those remember to time take month, - loss trading or fallen rebranding to have nels that viewing channel music of es.personalised days The [could This fast consumerism. are falling mass to ◆ friend[s]. beautiful end, be] the sneaking cheeky glances and Da Jagger Mick at sneaking - - - “Look here—German,” Drew resorted to point to resorted Drew “Look here—German,” “Is German for—I don’t know what that means,” means,” that what know don’t “Is for—I German his hand, de- waved Drew worry,” “Okay, don’t smiled. Justin in America,” that say don’t “We New laughed into Drew his way that with And with DJ Sir-vere Juice was TV, there Then J2—oh, we how channel, TV’s parent Juice remember it fondly for playing some playing it fondly for remember Craccum ing at his cue card. “German, German,” Drew started started Drew “German, his cue card. at German,” ing short-circuit. to said adamantly. Justin feated. Zealand history. television being whilst bangers absolute some out pumping To Training “I’m the by interrupted intermittently catered shows Its guy. Bartender” Awesome Be An types, those for ones music from most ranging for Zealand gods Shihad New music like of our fans our for those (“NZOWN”),and Goldenhorse to Auckland West from friends long-haired greasy, forget (“TheBar”),Metal and don’t and Taranaki 2012 circa “hipster” burgeoning the for ones the souls when our hurt truly It (“Transmission”). a 24-hour TV Garage by Juice replaced was TV, - surf and random racing cars showed that channel TV of Juice removal the day, this videos. 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Sorry, that’s puzzled. Justin means,” that what know “I don’t Want To Be Cool So Imma Move To LA With To Move Be Cool So Imma To Want C-List Celebrities Kiwi Wannabe Expat Other Of A Single” Release Neemia? DrewAnd A Flop as such his interview with memories classic us gave his first on Bieber Justin 16-year-old a baby-faced an advertisement out put Bieber After here. visit my like earth to is “down who a girlfriend for - Bie a squeaky-voiced to turned Drew So when quiz. Bieber I wanna a Justin and said,ber “I have does Bieber, Justin know you well how just know replied, sense?” Justin which and to make that our down put we up, pricked ears our “Kinda,” forward and sat cream, of ice bowls after-school Monkman”. “Eric say you can than quicker asked. Drew ear. his inside from repeated. up make trying to replied, Drew desperately there,” European on lack of knowledge Justin’s an excuse for said,- eyeball He “German,languages. you know?” his manner said again, he “German,” Justin. ing a glassy to fading in his eyes light slowly but the calm, To Have To Me For Life In “Where Wrong Did I Go dullness. This Dumbfuck” With Now Sit Here It’s the start of New Zealand Music Month and it’s and it’s Month Zealand of New Music start the It’s got once a nostalgic in us mood. generation Our cool. They were that channels music television had holographic creams ice bizarre with come didn’t (à la background a sparkling on cats and dancing MTV),and radio hosts shouty colours or bright (à an ad break every there’s laughter time forcing la TV). self ”, and with his grey beanie covering his his Mojo grey self and with beanie covering ”, his ever-expandingJojo-sized from swollen brain, quiz. a little And him gave Drew ego, mate our at here NEWS NZ News Junkies More Likely To Be Islamophobic—Study BY MICHAEL CALDERWOOD

New Zealanders are more likely to hold neg- lation about media-induced Muslim prej- media, regardless of politics, tend to publish ative and hostile attitudes towards Muslims udice because of its overall highly tolerant violent stories because violence sells.” if they are avid consumers of the news, a re- people.” Islamophobia in New Zealand has been cent University of Otago study has found. “If anything, tolerant Kiwis might tend in the spotlight recently, when a video of a While researchers have long suspected to reject intolerant stereotypes, reducing the Huntly woman attacking two Muslim wom- that the news media fuels anti-Muslim atti- effect of the media.” en went viral on social media. tudes, these ideas had never been scientifi- “However, we find that the association The woman was then arrested on charges cally studied until now. of prejudice towards Muslims with more of assault and offensive language. “People tend to interpret the news in media exposure holds across the political Professor Joseph Bulbulia of Victoria ways that fit with their pre-existing biases, spectrum, and is specific to Muslims,” says University of Wellington, also a co-author seeking affirmation of their beliefs while Dr Shaver. of the study, notes, “Sadly, there may be re- discounting conflicting information,” says “This indicates that it is widespread rep- al-world consequences for Muslims in this University of Otago Lecturer Dr John Shav- resentations of Muslims in the news that are country, people who encounter prejudice er, the article’s lead author. contributing to lower Muslim acceptance, across their daily routines, at the workplace, “New Zealand is a good test for specu- rather than any partisan media bias. The and in their children’s schools.” ◆

“Tertiary Education A Financial Struggle For Many”— NZUSA Report BY ELOISE SIMS

The New Zealand Union of Students’ As- job during term-time. According to the re- New Zealand’s system as one of the most sociation are calling for higher support port, such financial distress and rampant generous for student support in the world. payments and an increase to the costs competition for student housing has forced In speaking with , Goldsmith loan, after their recently released “Income many students to stay in their family homes, claimed, “Around 28% of tertiary education and Expenditure Survey” report showed with 61.95% of all students surveyed still spending is to support students through average rent for a room in Auckland soaring living under their parents’ roof. their studies, including nearly $490 million to $250 per week this year. Tuition fees were also noted to have on student allowances.” Jonathan Gee, President of NZUSA, dramatically risen since 2006. While 90% Yet Gee doesn’t believe such a response said the 28-page report highlighted the of respondents to the report had a student is good enough—after pointing out only a many struggles students at universities loan, the average graduate respondent had third of all students in 2017 actually quali- around the country are currently facing. taken 13.8 years to pay back their debt. fied for the weekly $217 student allowance. “Getting a tertiary education is one The National President of the Tertiary In speaking with Craccum, Gee said, of the most valuable investments we can Education Union, Sandra Grey, said the re- “When a third of students say that they make in our lives, but for many, the jour- port’s findings were troubling. don't have enough income to meet their ba- ney is a struggle,” he wrote in the report’s “People are being priced out of tertiary sic needs, we can't ignore that.” foreword. education, and with National deliberately “If the Government is serious about The report took email-based responses trying to take public funds away from com- improving access to tertiary education, and from over 1000 students across 11 univer- munity providers, the situation risks getting getting more than just 10% of low decile sities and polytechnics. much worse.” school leavers into degree-level study, then Its findings indicated that the majority “We’re now in the situation where the they would take a serious look at the cur- of students were experiencing or bordering average rent for students is unaffordable.” rent state of student support.” on “significant financial distress”, despite However, current Tertiary Education The report is now publicly available to 60.34% of all students working a part-time Minister, Paul Goldsmith, has defended read via the NZUSA website. ◆

[6] NEWS Pharmac Refuses To Subsidise Tampons and Pads BY ELOISE SIMS

Pharmac, the Government-funded drug-pur- ucts to subsidise. subsidised. chasing agency, have rejected a citizen’s appli- The move comes as the charity KidsCan The Salvation Army ran a successful char- cation to cut the cost of sanitary items after recently received $50,000 from the Ministry itable campaign with in March, claiming the application “did not provide suf- of Social Development to supply schools with subsidising a range of available sanitary prod- ficient information”. sanitary products. Around 16,500 packs will ucts to $4 a pack for two weeks. As a result In a statement on the application, the agen- be supplied to schools in the next year, accord- of their savings, customers were encouraged cy concluded that menstruation was a “normal ing to Social Development Minister Anne to donate a pack to the Salvation Army ei- function”—and therefore, “sanitary products Tolley, with the aim of reaching approximately ther in store or online. The charity’s Head of are not medicines or medical devices.” 2000 girls in secondary education. Social Services, Pam Waugh, told Radio New Legally, Pharmac is only allowed to fund “This is a practical way we can support Zealand she strongly disagreed with Pharmac’s medicines, medical devices, or products that young women who come from families in ruling. provide “therapeutic benefits relating to a need. Small initiatives like this can make a big “I would challenge the belief that they health need”. difference, and this is a good example of how don’t think [sanitary products] are therapeutic In speaking with , we’re continuing to provide support to those or meet a health need,” she said. Pharmac’s Director of Operations, Sarah Fitt, in need,” commented Minister for Women, Waugh also said she would like to see the admitted the decision was not an easy one to Paula Bennett. Government go further with its recent pledge make. However, for grown women, as sanitary of funding to KidsCan, but noted that this did “We did spend a lot of time and there was a products such as tampons and pads are classi- not go toward helping “universities or families lot of discussion, carefully considering wheth- fied as “non-essential” goods, they are current- that are struggling... We still need to go a bit er there was a therapeutic benefit and whether ly taxed at 5%. wider." there was a health need.” Pharmac’s decision comes as a blow to sev- Pharmac have said they remain open to However, Pharmac also claimed the fund- eral organizations, such as Graduate Women considering future applications—provided ing application was “too broad” and “did not New Zealand, and the Salvation Army—who they targeted groups of women with specific provide sufficient information” on what prod- have been campaigning for the products to be health needs. ◆

UOA Charging $570 For Med School’s Email Access BY LAURA KVIGSTAD

The University of Auckland is refusing to taken to collate the 202 emails would be min- model.” release 202 emails in regard to the proposed imal and that the time spent deciding what in- In the letter, the proposal was labeled an Waikato Medical School—unless it is paid formation it will release cannot be charged for. “ad hoc local initiative… an initiative created $570. Stuff has also lodged an Official Informa- for an immediate issue that doesn’t take into Otago University Law Professor, Andrew tion Act request towards Otago University, account the greater complexities of the situa- Geddis, has criticised the University's response who requested a 10-day extension to respond. tion.” saying, "The Official Information Act is one The Waikato proposal, announced in Oc- In response to the bid, on October 18th of the most important pieces of legislation tober last year, is being discussed due to the 2016, Fraser was quoted saying, “A new pro- that we have to keep those who exercise power recent shortage of New Zealand healthcare gramme is simply not in the national interest transparent and accountable.” workers. The school would address the needs and tax payers will have to pay for what is an In March, Stuff lodged an Official Infor- of disadvantaged, rural communities and ill-considered and expensive folly. The existing mation Act request to receive the emails of specialise in the education of general practi- programmes at Auckland and Otago are al- the Head of the Medical Programme, Profes- tioners. ready meeting the needs for growth of doctors sor Warwick Bagg, relating to the proposed A letter from July 26th 2016, to Health for New Zealand.” Waikato Medical School. Minister Jonathan Coleman and then Tertia- The University of Auckland and Otago The Acting General Counsel for Waika- ry Education Minister Steven Joyce, revealed University currently have a monopoly on med- to University, Melanie Johnson, estimated it Otago University and the University of Auck- ical training as the only two universities with would take 35 minutes to locate the 202 emails land campaigned against the Waikato Medical medical faculties. and 2 minutes and 15 seconds for the request- School. In 2015, the University of Auckland and ed information to be made available. This av- John Fraser and Health Sciences Dean at Otago University graduated 455 new doctors. erages to approximately 8 hours of work. The the University of Otago Medical School, Peter This is set to increase by 25% in 2020 to 570 Ombudsman guidelines state that an organi- Crampton, explained in the letter that “a 3rd graduates. sation can charge $38 per half hour of work. programme of the type proposed is likely to New Zealand currently imports over 1100 Geddis says that the time it would have destabilise or undermine the currently funded medical professionals a year. ◆

[7] NEWS World Politics Wrap Up PATRICK NEWLAND TAKES US THROUGH WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED IN THE PAST FEW DAYS OF WORLD NEWS

United Kingdom: While polling in the UK will help them in the South England seats a very different vision for the country. She is has been spotty at best over the last few years, (which drew in high levels of Remain vote). pitching France’s own version of Brexit, with Theresa May’s decision to hold a snap election In Scotland, the Scottish National Party closed borders, and the introduction of steep three years early seems like a no-brainer on (SNP) holds all but five seats and is trying to trade tariffs. paper. With her party now polling at around reinstate a claim for a second independence 46%, the UK’s First-Past-The-Post (FPTP) referendum. In the latest polling they have lost United States: At the end of Trump’s first system looks set to deliver the Conservatives some ground to the Tories, but are very likely 100 days, it is hard to gauge how well he has a possibly record-breaking majority. Labour is to remain the dominant force. fared. While it is easy to poke holes in his fail- now polling at a dismal 25%, a position with ures on The Hill, with the botched repeal of the blame laid solely at the feet of their largely France: After the first round of voting, neither Obamacare, one lesson we have learned from unpopular leader, Jeremy Corbyn. While he of the two main parties have a candidate in the the last year is that you can’t judge Trump by has the support of the larger party member- run-off for the first time since the current po- the normal metrics. ship, many Labour MPs have voiced their dis- litical system was introduced after the Second The number one issue for Trump voters agreement with his far-left positioning, draw- World War. Instead, far-right Marine Le Pen across the country was the Supreme Court, ing him comparisons to Bernie Sanders.The of the National Front, and centrist Emmanuel and he has succeeded by putting the conserva- UK Independence Party (UKIP) and the Macron, who has never held elected office, will tive Neil Gorsuch on the bench. If there is any Liberal Democrats make up the difference in face off head to head this weekend. way to read the mood of the country, it may be England and Wales. UKIP are struggling for While Macron is the far-and-away favour- in Georgia’s 6th congressional district, which, relevance, after their Brexit victory, by holding ite, in the post-Brexit and Trump world noth- in its jungle primary, had a Democrat receive a similar position to Theresa May, who is push- ing can be taken for granted. Macron rep- 48% of the vote in a typically heavy Republi- ing for a hard Brexit. The Lib Dems, however, resents much of the same for France overall, can district. The real test for Georgia will be on were annihilated in 2015, and are now hoping as a former merchant banker married to his June 20th, when the candidates will undergo a that their stance as the only anti-Brexit party high school teacher, but La Pen is preaching head-to-head matchup. ◆

So, who votes for these guys anyway? BY JACK GRADWELL

Recently, statistician Peter Ellis undertook a ly negative –0.76. Labour instead garners far First voter is neither more nor less likely to be study comparing demographic trends with more support among Polynesian (0.78) and white. So, where do their votes come from? The voting behaviour. While for some parties this Māori (0.42) voters. correlation between being Māori and voting confirmed voter stereotypes, for others, it dis- While sometimes perceived as a party of for Peters is a massive 0.66, a figure reflected in pelled them completely. the godless, Labour voters have a 0.50 positive their strong showings in the Māori electorates. correlation with having a religion (something The takeaway? NZ First is much more a National: Old, rich and white? partially explained by their strong support party of working-class Māori than that of ev- Well, you’d be correct. National voters show a among religious Pacific Island individuals). eryone’s racist grandad. positive correlation with the median income Needless to say, while National voters are old of 0.53 (meaning they earn more). Simulta- and wealthy, Labour voters are young and poor, Green: The party of poor students? neously, the correlation for being European is coming in at a negative correlation with the me- Not necessarily. Interestingly, Green voters a 0.60 (meaning they’re whiter), and for the dian age of –0.85 and median income of –0.51. far more resemble those from National than median age, a staggering 0.81 (meaning they’re The takeaway? In spite of the makeup of they do those from Labour. Richer and whiter older). More interestingly, the strongest nega- the Labour party caucus and campus groups, than average, Green voters have a positive cor- tive correlation for National voters was in pre- she is a largely Māori-Pasifika party, and still relation with the median income of 0.31 and viously voting Labour (–0.85), dispelling the one of the working class. of 0.24 with being European. While younger idea that National/Labour swing voters are a than average at –0.17 to the median age, this significant force. NZ First: Old, white and racist? is nowhere near as young as Labour voters (at The takeaway? Everything we thought Most certainly not. The correlation between –0.85). Finally, the statistics prove both the about National voters was 100% right. voting NZ First and the median age is a neg- atheist and hippy stereotypes with a 0.56 cor- ative one of –0.08, demonstrating that Peter’s relation with being nonreligious, and a 0.36 Labour: Godless feminists? The working class? support base goes beyond just SuperGold card correlation with being a spiritualist. Not particularly, no. While 19 of Labour’s 32 holders. The takeaway? Richer, whiter and slightly MPs may be white, the correlation between Likewise, the correlation for being Europe- older than one might expect, the Greens are being European and voting Labour is a strong- an is a perfect 0.00, meaning the average NZ not just a party of students. ◆

[8] NEWS Public or Private: What Should Parents Choose? BY MARK CASSON

Sending your child to a public or private NZ Herald also interviewed Rachael “While struggling students might need school still continues to be a difficult topic Meyer, a mother of three who sent her son, more help—which might be one of the bene- for parents in New Zealand—as experts have Cameron, to a private school, but not her two fits for private school education—at the end of questioned the notion that private schools daughters. the day, all the content delivered is the same.” inherently mean better opportunities for kids. “Whatever they do [after finishing Former private school student, Luke Bur- The New Zealand Herald recently inter- school], I don’t care,” she admitted in discuss- gess said, “I don’t necessarily think that there viewed Allan Vester, Principal of Edgewater ing her children. are specific benefits of private schooling over College, a state school in Pakuranga. “Cam’s gone into building. People said to public schooling, but I feel the way we were “Some state schools with significant me, ‘Is that not a bit of a dropout? You spent brought up was more disciplined in terms fee-paying students won’t be far behind. Used all that money on schooling.’ And it’s like, ‘No of general behaviour and things like how we well, the better facilities can help,” Vester ad- not at all—because you can take building to presented ourselves—with tidy uniform and mitted. wherever you want it to go’.” ties.” However, he claimed that sending your Craccum reached out to Courtney Skel- Burgess claimed, however, that deciding child to a private school didn’t necessarily mean lern, a future P.E. Teacher, and student at the public or private education really depends on they would be well educated. “It’s my view that University of Auckland’s Education Faculty. the child. “My older brother went to a public what makes the real difference is the teacher.” “Personally, I think there are more aca- school for his secondary education and this “A fantastic teacher in a classroom with a demic benefits at a private school,” Skellern worked well for him—he has developed into dirt floor and a point stick will still be much concluded. a very successful person.” more effective than a poor teacher with all the However, she admitted that such a debate “I feel it comes down to making the right technology possible.” was largely arbitrary. decisions for the particular person.” ◆

“So bad, even introverts are here”—Science Marches Held Around The World BY DANIELLE MAYNARD

In light of the recent US election and Pres- greenhouse gas is the driving force toward the land marches also aimed to raise awareness of ident Donald Trump’s policies, which have global temperature increase. the need for increased support and funding for been branded as a “war on science”, Earth Day Trump’s cutting of funding towards sci- NZ scientists. For this to happen, according to 2017 featured the March for Science in which entific research was also a major issue that the Stevens, the public needs better education on marches and rallies were held in over 600 cities marches highlighted. the importance of science, and to be encour- globally. With Earth Day reaching New Zealand aged to vote for policies that are supportive of The primary focus of the marches was to first, Auckland, Wellington, , scientific facts. celebrate evidence-based science and remind Dunedin, Queenstown and Palmerston While the marches have concluded, the global leaders of their responsibility to use this North all hosted satellite marches that kicked organisers are still striving to keep their ideals to protect the environment and its people by off the global event. In Auckland, chants of at the forefront of people’s minds. implementing science-based policies. “science, not silence” echoed from Britomart The official March for Science website Two apparent causes of concern within to Albert Park, with various speakers address- hosted a week of action from the 22nd to the Trump’s “war on science” are the appoint- ing the crowd at the Albert Park Rotunda. 29th April 2017, with ways the public can stay ments of climate change sceptics Rick Perry The New Zealand marches were organised involved and make a difference—from ways to as Energy Secretary, and Scott Pruitt as the by scientists affiliated with an independent reduce your own carbon footprint to how to Administrator of the Environmental Protec- organisation, the New Zealand Association of increase your community’s scientific awareness. tion Agency. Pruitt has previously denied that Scientists (NZAS). If you’d like to find out more about getting rising carbon dioxide levels are causing climate Dr Craig Stevens, President of the NZAS, involved, visit https://satellites.marchfor- change, despite indisputable evidence that this said to Radio New Zealand that the New Zea- science.com/. ◆

[9] COMMUNITY

Thanks, but no thanks! Claudia Russell on why we don’t need another mental health awareness campaign

Recently I was scrolling through Facebook and or a wimp for having his hard times. This kind of ing awareness is a responsibility to do something came across an unusually long status written by conversation alone can help people feel less isolat- about the thing you’ve been made aware of. This a friend of mine. This is someone who I consider ed. People are more likely to seek help if they feel is our Government’s responsibility, not ours. It to be very composed and more “together” than they won’t be ridiculed or turned away. For others, really gets me just how vehemently our Govern- most. In this status, however, she opened up about this kind of awareness helps to educate and build ment denies this. As a country, we have come to a struggle with depression that had spanned sev- better support for people. This normalisation is a consensus that mental health is a widespread eral years. The comments section was, thankfully, fostering the increasingly common mindset that problem that our system is failing to respond to. overflowing with messages of love and support. a mental health condition can be no less real than The question of whether there is a problem is no This got me thinking about how lucky we are to a broken leg. longer being asked, because everybody knows live in a time and place where it is increasingly ac- We’re doing pretty well so far in the West- the answer. And yet, no dice. Minister of Health ceptable to talk about mental illness on large plat- ern world and in New Zealand in particular. Jonathan Coleman remains characteristically forms. Raising awareness of mental illness in New Awareness campaigns are on the rise. This could silent. When asked, he has repeatedly dismissed Zealand has motivated people to talk about their be because raising awareness is a whole lot easier the need for a national inquiry, and has never ac- experiences, and exposed the reality of what is a than it used to be, what with #hashtags and share knowledged there is a problem. Advocacy groups critically underfunded area of the public health buttons. Social media has given people a space have described the Minister as being “at best, out system. But what good is raising awareness really, to share their stories freely with others. The con- of touch.” The Labour Party, the Greens and the if it doesn’t lead to change? versation about our system’s lack of funding has People’s Review on Mental Health have refer- There has been a sharp increase over the last crawled up from the archives of scoop.co.nz to enced a funding deficit of up to $1.7 billion. In couple of years in public figures freely disclosing reach primetime news and television. There was response to this, National continues to nitpick their struggles with mental illness. Just this year even an endearing mention of it on the Bachelor and deflect the question, saying that well, actually alone some big names have spoken to the media the other week, when heartthrob Zac Franich funding has increased under their Government. about their personal experience with the subject, confessed to seeing a therapist. We’re not short This is technically true, but misses the point. including: Lady Gaga, Prince William, Kid Cudi, on mental health reports either. White papers, These funding increases are nowhere near keep- Cara Delevingne, Selena Gomez, and Jono Pryor suicide statistics and user reports are regularly ing up with the 60% rise in mental health user- (of Jono and Ben). released by the Ministry of Health. The “People’s ship. During this time, several inpatient units have When you’re struggling with your own men- Review of the Mental Health System” was re- closed and mental illness-related calls to police tal health, it can be powerful to hear about peo- leased a few days ago and has already garnered a have risen exponentially. Their arguments follow ple who have been mentally ill and nonetheless lot of media attention. It is important to acknowl- the logic baby boomers use when complaining managed to become successful. When you are edge how far we have come in reducing the stig- that millennials have it easy with a $15.75 mini- diagnosed with a condition, it can be difficult to ma. Just a few hundred years ago, the mentally ill mum wage because back in 1970 or so it was $7. shrug off the voice that says—”now there’s some- were social lepers thought to be possessed by the Honestly, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting see- thing officially wrong with you.” It can feel like devil. Practices such as isolation, imprisonment, ing an article every other day about our climbing there’s always going to be this one thing limiting beatings, public humiliation, electroconvulsive suicide rates and our psych professionals who are you from living out your idea of success. Realising therapy and lobotomies were common in mental stretched thin. The public is crying out for change. that someone you look up to and even idolise has institutions. On a smaller scale, multiple studies This isn’t some small minority limited to an on- faced the same struggles can help you understand confirm that attitudes towards the mentally ill line forum. This permeates primetime news and that there is hope. have changed for the better over the last five years, popular culture. High school students are writing This isn’t information taken from inspiration- with more people willing to work with, live with speeches on it, that’s how clear as day it is. I love al Pinterest quotes. As someone who lives with and remain friends with a mentally ill person. the support system that has built up online, and I a mental illness, I can honestly say that learning I have no doubt that awareness is a great think initiatives that get people talking are import- rap legend Kendrick Lamar has struggled with thing. With illnesses that are inherently hard ant. But it’s an embarrassment for our Govern- depression made me momentarily feel a lot better. to talk about, awareness campaigns alone do a ment that taxpaying citizens have to account for At times when I worry that my brain is going to world of good by motivating people to seek help. what is essentially a missing limb of the healthcare hold me back my whole life, I think about Ken- The point I want to make, however, is that this is system. We don’t need another inquiry unless it’s drick and realise that nobody thinks he’s a failure only part of the equation. What comes with rais- into exactly what is going to be done. ◆

[10] COMMUNITY Upcoming Community Events

Support the Manukau Beautification Charitable Trust by attending the Waiuku Town ART BY ISOBEL GLEDHILL (@ISOBEL_G) Centre Clean-Up!

When: Saturday 6th May, 8:30am– 12pm Where: Meeting point to be estab- lished closer to the date—keep an eye on the Facebook event below! Price: Free! Age restrictions: All ages Event info: “Join us on Saturday 6 May as we clean, sweep, paint, weed, Introducing: Robogals wash windows and pick up rubbish. Together we can celebrate all the Robogals is a non-profit, student-run organisation girls, but boys are welcome too. We use these eas- hard work afterwards with a free with the aim to inspire and encourage young wom- ily programmable robots called EV3 Lego Mind- BBQ for anyone who helps. RSVP en to consider an engineering-related career. storms, and the goal for the kids is to programme to Barbara to volunteer at barbara. In New Zealand, science achievement at pri- the robot to complete a maze or another simple [email protected] or (09) 269 mary school is equal for boys and girls. However, task. Along with these activities, they are also giv- 4080.” by secondary and tertiary education, the number en an introduction into what engineering is and Find out more at: of girls taking technology and engineering-related the types of specialisations that are available to HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ EVENTS/2231684790390048/ subjects drops dramatically. Girls tend to be more choose from. It’s usually a fast and focused session, likely to take biology and health-related sciences, but they absolutely light up when they work to- meaning they are underrepresented in technology gether to achieve the goal of their activity! Be the bee’s knees and hit up and engineering fields. Because Robogals is student-run, we operate “For the Love of Robogals aims to change this trend by reaching with a complete team of volunteers, with the ma- Bees” out to girls at primary and intermediate level to let jority studying a degree in Engineering or Science —a natural beekeeping school! them know that careers in engineering and tech- at the University of Auckland. Men are welcome nology fields ARE for women, not just for men. to volunteer, however we often find that we are When: Sunday 7th May, 10am– It’s important for us to demonstrate that engineer- a completely female team. As a result of this, we 12pm ing is a viable career choice at that age so that they manage to form a tight little network where we Where: 210 Victoria Street West can choose the right subjects in secondary school, can support and motivate each other through our Price: Free! which will allow them to get into engineering. male-dominated degrees. Age restrictions: All ages Often, by the time they’re in secondary school, it’s It's always great to meet like-minded students Event info: “Our beekeeping class- too late. and if any students are interested in joining, es are where beginner beekeepers, How Robogals fulfils these aims is by running they can contact us through our Facebook page hobbyists, and bee enthusiasts can free interactive workshops at primary and inter- https://www.facebook.com/RobogalsAKL/ or come and learn natural beekeeping mediate schools, as well as at events for MOTAT by emailing us at auckland.marketing@robogals. techniques from an experienced and and public libraries. The workshops are aimed at org. ◆ urban beekeeper. Classes follow an efficient layout covering the basics, general inspection method, month specific inspection tasks and any ques- tions that come up during the session. CHARITY/ORGANISATION OF THE WEEK The purpose of these classes is for be- Dementia Auckland provides services and support then check out their website at: http://www.de- ginner beekeepers to come and learn to those living with dementia in the Auckland re- mentiaauckland.org.nz ◆ the best practices passed on through gion. They also give support and provide strategies experiencing happy bees. Everything to the carers of those with dementia, including we do is for the wellbeing of the colo- home visiting, telephone consultations, and sup- ny as the prime objective and not the port groups. maximisation of honey production.” If you want to volunteer with, donate to, or Find out more at: support Dementia Auckland in some other way, HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ EVENTS/789652254524419/

[11] LIFESTYLE What’s On

Devising Group DRAMA STUDIO, UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND GUIDE TO… Stray Theatre Company’s Devis- ing Group is back for 2017. If you love storytelling and acting, this Surviving Winter improvisational theatre group will Winter is almost here, people. Craccum has a few handy Be Sensible: You’re at uni now; time to be sensible teach you about acting and creative tips for how to get through the chilly season whilst acing about some things. Surviving Winter and study simul- storytelling, whilst having fun and your studies. taneously means being prepared. It’s not just about meeting new people. Meetings will dressing warm—it’s dressing for the wet. Weather is be on Mondays at 6pm in the Dra- Rug Up: This might seem obvious, but in Auckland it inconveniently unpredictable here, so be smart and ma Studio. Email straytheatreco@ can be warm and sunny when you leave home and freez- pack a raincoat and/or umbrella. Also, footwear. Avoid gmail.com to express interest, or ing when you arrive at uni. Bring enough warm clothing wearing canvas shoes if it looks like rain—one puddle show up for the meeting. for ALL possible temperatures. Jumpers, coats, hats— and you’re going to have wet feet for the rest of the day. heck, even gloves are necessary sometimes! Us Jaffas are Think leather boots or flats, running shoes with soles soft. A great idea is to keep a lightweight merino in your that won’t soak through and if you’re super keen, wel- NZ International bag for when it gets super cold. lies. Comedy Festival 2017 Hot Brews: As you might have guessed, we’re big fans Treat Yo’self: All this bad/cold weather coupled with AUCKLAND CBD of coffee. Winter is the best excuse to really get your hot the pressure of mounting assignments can really get you It’s no joke that NZ’s very own drink count up there. Daily coffees, teas, and hot chocs down. We suggest cheat days as a way to survive Winter. Comedy Fest is referring to itself as are the ultimate wintry indulgence. What’s more com- This means, set days where you allow yourself to have a the “Best Comedy Show on Earth”. forting than a strong English Breaky on a crisp morn? hot, delicious lunch (food court curry, amirite?), indulge Or maybe it is, and even their mar- Really make a thing of it and drink in—why carry your in a sneaky self-gift (new beanie?) or do a little inside ac- keting is funny. Check out at least hot bev in the cold when you can enjoy it in the cosy con- tivity (movies, bowling, Netflix and chill). We’ve got to one of the shows running from fines of a cafe? do something to keep the spirits up. ◆ April 27th–21st May. There’ll be homegrown comedians, and ones they’ve flown in so there’s plenty to choose from! You can buy tick- How to Make Choice Cheese Rolls ets and find events at https://www. comedyfestival.co.nz/ Following the upsetting news that as many as five dozen cheese rolls were stolen from a property in Clydevale a couple of weeks ago, Craccum brings you a recipe to make your very own, highly-prized Dance-O-Mat cheese rolls. You too can be the envy of the city. AOTEA SQUARE Ingredients (serves 18) bowl when the food processor gets too full, but Dance-O-Mat is an interactive 250g tasty cheese cut into small portions repeat the mixing till you’ve used all the ingre- outdoor dance floor that’s free for 1 small brown onion, finely chopped dients. everyone. It’s an urban space 1 can of unsweetened evaporated milk 3. If the end result is too damn thick, add a bit of that originated in Christchurch af- 1 packet of French Onion Soup milk, dummy! If it’s too damn runny, chuck in ter the earthquake as a way to bring 1 loaf of white bread, with crusts removed some more cheese. people together through dancing. Butter 4. Lay out your slices of bread, son! Butter them and It will be up till May 8th, so don’t then spread a SMALL amount of that mixture miss your chance to shake your tail Method onto ¾ of each slice, otherwise it will overflow feather down at Aotea Square. 1. You gotta get out that muthafuckin’ beast of when cooked, and that would be fucking dumb kitchen equipment, the food processor. Hopeful- now, wouldn’t it? You’d just have some crusty Down to Clown ly you’ve got your shit together and have organ- bread! BASEMENT THEATRE ised the ingredients accordingly. Because now you 5. Roll those bad boys up (diagonally or as a square)! gotta get the cheese, onion, soup mix and evapo- Cheese side to no-cheese side! Keep assembled A new alternative comedy show, rated milk and dump it into the food processor. ones under a damp towel until you’ve finished! Down to Clown runs every Friday Do this in batches, ya manus! Then put them all on a goddamn tray with the night. Featuring a different line-up 2. Keep mixing that shit until the consistency seam faced downwards! of fab comedians addressing a cho- is thick—not sloppy or too wet, nor as dry 6. Bake those great gifts from the gods at 180°C for sen theme, this show will have you as a farmer’s goddamn farm after a goddamn 12–15 minutes until golden brown. laughing off your seats. Only $5 at drought, which is all the goddamn time for six 7. You now have yourselves some choice cheese rolls, the door! Get there. ◆ months of the year. Empty into a big fucking homie! Don’t let them out of your sight! ◆

[12] LIFESTYLE Top 5… Secondhand Book Shops

Jason’s Books 16 O’CONNELL ST

Just a short stroll from campus is a cosy little store with a range of books. Jason’s has everything from New Zealand lit- erature to the classics. It’s a great place for English students looking for Shake- VITALI-TEA speare, Austen and Brontë, so check there before buying them new. Rebecca Hallas gives a rundown of some tea-riffic herbal teas

I love coffee as much as the next person, but some- St John’s Wort: This tea is often hyped as a cure The Book Exchange times a nice cup of herbal tea is just the ticket when for depression. In reality, St John’s Wort may at 8 GLENDALE RD, GLEN EDEN you’re feeling a bit on edge. Herbal teas have signifi- be capable of improving mood in those with best The Book Exchange has been around cantly less caffeine in them than coffee and other mild depression. (If you think you are suffering since 1982 and doubles as a coffee shop kinds of tea (i.e. your traditional English Break- from depression, please talk to a doctor, a friend, and secondhand book store—dreamy. fast), so you can drink them liberally without the or someone you trust!) However, St John’s Wort A beautifully designed and well-organ- heart palpitations that can accompany your third or has antibacterial properties which can help fight ised shop, it’s the perfect place to spend fourth cup of joe. inflammation in the body. hours reading over a good cuppa joe. It’s no secret that physical illnesses can cause increased levels of mental stress, and physical and Drink it if: you suffer from muscle aches, joint pain, mental health often interact with each other. So or any other conditions caused by inflammation. Bookmark why not sit down with some others in your com- 15 VICTORIA RD, DEVONPORT muni-tea with a cuppa, and boost your physical and Peppermint: Peppermint tea is a healthy alter- A large, comfortable store with couch- mental health simultaneously?! native to candy canes or Starbucks peppermint es and armchairs, Bookmark has what Without further ado, here are some of my fa- mochas during Christmas time. Oh what’s that? you’re looking for. With over 20,000 vourite herbal teas, for every health need: You don’t care about being healthy during the silly items, you can literally lose track of season? Cool, cool. Peppermint tea is actually also time perusing the high shelves. If Green: The classic herbal tea. Frequently touted linked to the relief of abdominal gas and bloating. you’re looking for non-fiction, Book- by Instagram fitness gurus as an indispensable Note though: it can cause acid reflux, so be careful mark has an enormous range. weight-loss aid. While drinking large amounts if you frequently experience heartburn. of green tea can speed up your metabolism, it’s more important to note that in recent years it has Drink it if: you suffer from trapped gas/bloating. Hard to Find Books been praised for its potential to reduce your risk 171 THE MALL, ONEHUNGA of heart disease, cancer, and Alzheimer’s disease. Echinacea: Echinacea is famous for its link to the Hard to Find Books is worth paying a This is supposedly due to the catechin content in prevention of the common cold. While it is uncer- visit just to look at the shop. It’s huge. green tea: an antioxidant known to fight cell dam- tain whether or not echinacea can cause the com- Books are everywhere, piled on the age. The taste is not for everyone though. For fussy mon cold to disperse faster than it normally would floor, stacked on the staircase, nestled tea-drinkers, I recommend trying Dilmah’s green (although studies have suggested it can reduce the in hidden corners. It’s a booklover’s tea with jasmine petals. Best tasting green tea I’ve average timespan of a cold by 1–2 days), it’s more dream! found yet. likely that drinking it daily can boost your immune system and prevent future illness. Drink it if: you want to prevent ALL THE Dominion Books THINGS. Drink it if: you’re sick of getting sick. 230 JERVOIS RD A bit closer to our neck of the woods is Chamomile: If this tea was a Tumblr aesthetic, it Ginger: Ginger tea is often used by those who suf- Dominion Books. The store is incredi- would be a pastel flower crown. Chamomile is a fer from digestive troubles or motion sickness as bly cramped (in the best kind of way) relaxing and calming tea. I recommend drinking it a natural remedy for nausea and tummy troubles. and has that beautiful, musty second- before bed to help you de-stress and chill. You can also add some ginger to a lemon and honey hand book smell. There’s a great array drink when you’re sick to help fight germs. of literature and most books are in ex- : you’re stressed or have difficulty sleep- : you’re travelling a long distance, your Drink it if Drink it if cellent used condition. Plus, they’re a ing. stomach is upset, or you’re hungover. ◆ little cheaper than the norm. ◆

[13] FEATURE ART BY JOSH HART (@VRIJKOTTE) BY JOSH HART ART

[14] FEATURE

UNDER COVER: UNCOVERING THE NZSAS Hamish Liddy questions the Government’s role in Afghanistan and why Kiwis seem to be so apathetic

Hit & Run: The New Zealand SAS in Afghan- lish any major wrongdoing; the Prime Minister how would we feel listening to Kiwi accents istan and the meaning of honour centres on agrees, so why the reluctance? While we are calling in the destruction? Anyone returning a 2010 raid led by New Zealand’s elite SAS proud of our troops, especially the SAS, Ki- from overseas knows the reassuring cringe of troops in Afghanistan. Hager and co-author wis are not particularly comfortable with the hearing a fellow New Zealander on the air- Jon Stephenson claim that six Afghan civil- details of what they actually do. In an election port loudspeaker. Less comforting when it ians, including a 3-year-old girl, were mistak- year, the distinction is important. brings the reality behind Call of Duty-style war enly killed in what they describe as retaliation After briefly reviewing footage of the oper- graphics a little too close to home. The current for an earlier Taliban attack on Kiwi soldiers. ations, Prime Minister Bill English is confident NZDF mantra that our soldiers “only fired two Chief of Defence Force, Lieutenant-General he understands how things went down. As a bullets” would wither under revelations that Tim Keating, has denied the accusations, re- former military aircraft operator, I‘m a little of- we did a lot more courtesy of United States’ peating earlier statements that the operation fended he feels so qualified to make that judge- airpower. The danger for English is that this was a success. The New Zealand Defence Force ment. Aerial footage can be disorienting; radio sparks a debate on what we were doing there in (NZDF) position, backed by an International chatter takes a lot of experience to understand; the first place. Security Assistance Force investigation, is that the technical details of calling in air support are So far though, the discussion has revolved only insurgents were killed and no wrongdoing particularly exacting. I have reviewed tapes of around dull technical details. Both sides have occurred. Keating has also been very careful to missions I flew myself and had a hard time mak- conceded ground: the authors admit they got assert that revenge was not a motivating factor. ing out what happened. No doubt English is a location details wrong; the NZDF accepts that Are Hager and Stephenson right? Are the capable man, but I place about as much stock civilian casualties may have occurred, despite NZSAS a rogue bunch of assassins who laid in his ability to interpret combat footage as my earlier saying the claim was “unfounded”. The waste to an idyllic Afghan village out of mis- ability to judge his recent shearing exploits. nitpicking, point scoring and maps of desolate guided spite? Or are they just raving lefties, Of course, the video could be made public. terrain have had the effect of gently rocking the jumping at shadows and unfairly tarnishing It’s classified, but six years on it is hard to imag- public back to sleep without broaching the big- the reputation of a highly professional force? ine many operational details remaining critical ger questions, one of which is retaliation. The truth, I think, lies somewhere in between. to security. People have grown increasingly To the uninitiated, it must seem strange to I suspect an inquiry would be unlikely to estab- desensitised to aerial footage of airstrikes, but criticise the NZ Army for going after bad guys

“The nitpicking, point scoring and maps of desolate terrain have had the effect of gently rocking the public back to sleep without broaching the bigger questions; one of which is retaliation.”

[15] FEATURE who killed one of their mates. Isn’t that their guts and professionalism are a source of pride better to do, self-select out and move on. The job? Legally, this is the central issue. Regard- for the army and New Zealand alike. In 2008 effect increases as you move up, and by the top less of whether civilian deaths occurred, the former NZSAS trooper Willie Apiata, VC of the pyramid the highest ranks are choosing question of war crimes rests on whether rules overtook Sir Edmund Hillary to become New subordinates in their own cookie-cutter image. of engagement were followed. The rules consti- Zealand’s most trusted person. It isn’t surpris- Why is any of this relevant? The point is tute a soldier’s “License to Kill”; any departure ing, but certainly noteworthy, how many senior you can’t rely on the NZDF to self-regulate, it from them is illegal, even if the victims are the defence leaders rise from those relatively small just isn’t big enough. The Prime Minister and enemy. Accidental deaths may be excusable if ranks. Both Keating and the current Chief of Minister of Defence get their advice from a sin- they occur within the framework. Rules of en- Army, Major-General Peter Kelly, previously gle, highly interested source. The Ministry of gagement are designed to ensure good conduct, served as the commanding officer. Defence is tiny and staffed in large part by uni- maintain the moral high ground and protect During the raid, future Governor-Gener- formed personnel on secondment, or retired civilians. NZDF rules in 2010 very likely pro- al and then Chief of Defence Force Sir Jerry senior officers. Without a big defence industry, hibited reprisals explicitly; the Geneva Con- Mateparae (also a former SAS soldier) was there are no commercial interests either. The vention certainly does, and for good reason. watching on from the command centre in Ka- news media reveal their level of understand- With approximately 4,500 in the regular bul. Keating was the Deputy Chief of Army at ing by referring to every type of naval vessel as force, the NZ Army is a small place—about the time and became Mateparae’s Chief of Staff a “frigate”. A lot of NZDF media releases are the population of Taumaranui. The emotional the following month. Integrity or professional- published verbatim without comment. Even as impact of losing Lieutenant Tim O’Donnell ism aside, the conflicts of interest abound. As declared pacifists, the Green Party shies away just 19 days before the raid is hard to compre- Chief of Staff, Keating would have been in- from making defence an election issue. hend. The anger is understandable, but when volved with much of the initial inquiries into Why? Because Kiwis just don’t care. When emotion clouds judgement, mistakes happen. the matter. Due to his close association with National recently announced a $503 million The kind of mistakes that could turn the lo- the NZSAS, I expect he knew every Kiwi sol- package for NZ Police, people wanted to know cals against you—this is what Hager says took dier on the operation by name. What’s more, exactly where each of the new officers would be place. If we are to believe Keating, Operation it doesn’t surprise me that he sees no wrongdo- stationed. When a $446 million package was Burnham had nothing to do with O’Donnell’s ing. As a product of the same small and highly announced to upgrade just two NZ Navy ships, death. So why was it named after the home disciplined system, he likely thinks in the same no one noticed. The contract was awarded to camp of 2/1 RNZIR, his parent unit? If that ways and would have acted just the same, given Lockheed Martin, one of the companies Ki- sounds like a coincidence, you overestimate the the circumstances. wiSaver investors have been concerned about creativity of military code names. Diversity is not exactly rife within the because of involvement with the manufacture And why were the NZSAS leading a raid in NZDF. A 2014 Ministry of Defence report and maintenance of nuclear weapons. Did you the first place? Officially they were in Afghan- identified that while over 21% of applications know New Zealand recently bought the largest istan to mentor and train the Afghan Crisis are made by women, they make up just 15% of helicopter-carried missiles available? If taxpay- Response Unit. A local counter-terrorism task uniformed personnel. Higher attrition rates ers take no notice, the NZDF can choose their force based in Kabul. It’s a stretch of the imag- mean the proportion declines further over own equipment and create the defence force ination to think planning and commanding a time. In 2012 only 1.1% of uniformed person- they want, not what New Zealanders want. strike on a remote village arose out of business nel identified with an Asian ethnicity com- Opposition leaders and Minister of De- as usual. The proximity to the main Kiwi base pared to 12% in the 2013 census. To their cred- fence at the time, Wayne Mapp, have joined in Bamiyan province, and the apparent absence it it’s something the Defence Force is trying to in calls for an independent inquiry, but will of the Crisis Response Unit from the operation address, but the underlying cause remains: a the public back them? If not, it’s a signal to makes a strong case that something special was strictly hierarchical promotion structure values the Prime Minister he can do whatever he likes going on. We also know that then Prime Min- loyalty above all else and undermines diversity. with NZ’s forces and face no scrutiny. Recent ister John Key personally approved the opera- Unlike twenty-first century business mod- hints suggest such plans might include follow- tion; unnecessary if the soldiers had been going els, where employees move into and out of or- ing President Donald Trump’s United States about their normal duties. Sure, you could still ganisations at every level, the military is stuck into Syria. What about North Korea? If you’re justify all of it, but should we honestly believe in the past. Getting to the top in Defence is cool with those decisions falling to a guy who that revenge had no part to play? akin to that contest where you see who can went to sleep as Finance Minister and woke up If the NZ Army is a small town, then the keep their hand on the car the longest. Over with the ability to approve secret missions any- SAS is their champion first XV. Their inter- time, people who think differently, don’t iden- where in the world, go ahead—leave it to the national reputation and undeniable tenacity, tify with role models, or just have something experts. ◆

[16] Helping you look after them The Child Care Scholarship for student parents assists with child care fees for up to two semesters.

Applications now close May 8th at midnight.

This child care scholarship is provided by a Giving Circle of UoA staff in conjunction with AUSA.

Find out more at ausa.org.nz under "support" or email [email protected].

[17] EMAIL [email protected] WITH ANY ISSUES OR QUESTIONS FEATURE

SLASH AND BERM Jack Adams on the importance of berms and preventing bermicide

Imagine the dream: sweat-laced hair, a white knew vaping could be as important as a single berm was the embankment that made up moats Warehouse-branded singlet, and a cool sense of child after a divorce?). I told him and he wasn’t and strategic ditches. In World War I, soldiers your own masculinity. The intruding sound of sure what I meant. I tried to explain: the small would rest their elbows on the berm of a trench. the lawnmower lets your neighbours know that patch of grass that separates my property (liberal Today, tanks try to go around berms as they’re too you’re a busy man, a truly divine domestic male. use of ownership) from the road, a kind of buf- steep. In this modern sense, the phrase denotes All I need is a scantily clad female, a derogatorily fer between pedestrians and the roar of vehicles. soil that supports house walls from collapsing suggestive narrator, and a Swanndri to complete He still hasn’t a clue. I take a drag from his vape. during construction or control water flow in areas the Speight’s aesthetic. Or perhaps a Tui. Which- I cough. I remember why I don’t do it regularly. susceptible to erosion. Quite interesting stuff, but ever is more masculine, but I digress. The dream The berm is an intriguing concept. No one it doesn’t quite cover why I’m supposed to mow continues—the thought of a cold, beard-inspiring else seems to have them. In England, and very a seemingly useless stretch of grass, annoyingly beverage crosses your mind until your grand- much the rest of the United Kingdom, any kind wider than one lawnmower, but too small for two. mother slithers out and asks “Have you done the of visible lawn is saved for the wealthy. In the Auckland Transport’s website shed some light berms? The neighbours always do ours.” Blast. countryside, grass is farmed or houses the most on berms. Berms serve the purpose of reducing I’ve faltered in my masculinity. I’m left to drag my delicious creatures. But in New Zealand, we value flooding during storms. An absolute necessity, head back to business, grooming the small patch the berm. apparently. We also can’t plant anything on berms of land. It sits about the size of the floating door in I asked Uncle Google what a “burm” was. because they might be unsightly. Can’t put con- Titanic, but all the more burden for poor Leo. Or First fun fact of the day: it’s spelt “berm”. The in- crete on it either. You can ask permission for trees, Bermden for me. trigue continues. I look up “berm etymology”. It but they’ll probably say no. Berms are the over- I tried to tell this story to a foreign mate, we’ll turns out that berm comes from the Dutch berm, bearing great aunt that lives in and criticises your call him Ricardo. No need for real names, he lets which denotes a narrow space. It’s not difficult taste in Evanescence and periodically asks you me use his vape every second Wednesday (who to imagine how this began as a military term. A why you’re on your phone every hour of the day. ART BY YOUNG KIM ART

[18] FEATURE

Overbearing. Overgrown, too, as many houses Zealand Golden Age. The state houses were con- time. If you’re not profiting, why should you do can’t agree on who should mow the berm. structed out of the compassion for those who it? This individual attitude has become the coun- The argument stands, on the Council’s web- were struggling, especially with the Great De- terculture of the Kiwi pride. A new corporal swill. site, that we should “take pride in [our] streets, pression. By 1950, thirty-thousand houses had Suddenly, when money isn’t involved and it’s be good community citizens and ensure the been constructed. The image of the state house just pride and satisfaction, people pull out. Call berms in front or to the side of [our] proper- became principally and architecturally tied to it “bermicide”. This bermicide has marked the ties are mowed regularly.” An interesting point. this 1950s Kiwi character. That homogeneous shift in our culture. Many still enjoy the fruits of “Why should we look after council infrastruc- design created this lawn aesthetic, along with the Bunnings’ DIY deck building, but others see it as ture?” comments Gabrielle from Te Kuiti, a Kiwi resources and elbow grease used to construct a waste of time. It’s these bastards that are ruining regular on NZ Herald’s website, typing with eyes those houses. A house for Kiwis, by Kiwis. One Kiwi culture and they must be stopped. As soon squinted and with a single finger. In 2014, Auck- would be hard-pressed to divorce the image of as the financial incentive disappears, everyone’s an land Council shifted the responsibility of berm these Kauri bastions from the rather dull piece of entrepreneur. Others are too busy to mow their maintenance to the adjacent house. Before this, infrastructure. The image of my sweat-laced gaze berms (I call “bermicide apologists”), and they the Council would mow them. It’s almost as if into the horizon, pining for the delicate elixir of are even worse. Bermicide by omission lends to we own the berm, the gloriously aesthetic space Lion Red, almost matches that of Gregory some this destructive culture. We Kiwis take no pride that borders suburban life. But we don’t. The sixty years earlier treading lightly across his lawn. any longer, and it is harming our identity. Leave berms are Council-owned, but the responsibility His own lawn. Stubbies and manual mowers, just no deck unbuilt, no roast uneaten, and, of course, lies on the adjacent house, still. Criticism came like beer and a failing economy of today, became leave no berm unmowed. (BELOW, YOU WILL from ratepayers about the legitimacy of the pol- the Kiwi zeitgeist. A practical attitude to life with FIND A HANDY GUIDE IN PREVENTING icy, prompting litigation and political dissent. a pride in their home, family and work, which of THE DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES OF The move has saved barely anything, yet I’m still course includes the berm. My grandfather still BERMICIDE.) left in anguish every time I have to double down regularly mows the exorbitant patch of grass that The pride, then, continues. The Kiwi legacy of on that small area of grass, the pubic overgrowth lies outside his property—a dream I’ll unlikely owning a home comes with the generic marriage, I only look into every three months or when we have, nor do I really want it. three kids, and number eight wire that has come have guests. To others, however, the berm symbolises more to suppose the Kiwi identity. This pride in your Being a “good citizen” is a curious concept. than a tank entrenchment or something to lean home is also a pride in your lawn. The berm is an This duty of the community is something that on. The burden of proprietary ambiguity lends to integral part of your home and thus your liveli- underpins the Kiwi. The 1940s and 50s marked the darker side of Kiwi ingenuity. As some enjoy hood. An unsightly berm is cause for concern. the time of the state house. From Seddon to Sav- the fruits of home ownership and pride, others Shit berm, no roast dinner. You’ll be a drifter in age, this programme created a sense of the New disregard the berm as being a waste of their own no time. ◆

PREVENTING BERMICIDE

Infiltrate the culprits. Knock on doors of ing the Kiwi identity and our berms! those neglecting their berms and demand you see their landlord or proof of retire- Write into [email protected] and ment. [email protected] to pass on your impassioned ideas about berms and berm Comment on social media to let those related affairs. know how passionately you feel about the destruction of our Kiwi culture and the Send pictures of your proudly-kept berm inherent flaws of youth these days. There and the most shameful ones to jackal. will be more interest if you include the [email protected]. Extra points for NZ Herald, Stuff, or Newshub. Avoid le- groomed berms and avant-garde designs! gitimate sources of journalism such as Al Jazeera, the BBC, and Playboy. You might Send aggressive messages indicting ber- waste their time in reporting actual current micide to 48 College Hill, Freemans Bay, affairs. Auckland, 1011.

Avoid reading the article you’re comment- Alternatively, call 04 817 6837 and tell ing on. Otherwise you may find yourself them the finer points of berm mainte- distracted from the task at hand—protect- nance. ◆

[19] FEATURE

[20] FEATURE

Cheap Laughs Chester Jerrat gives you a rundown on some funny bunnies you should catch at the Comedy Fest

The 2017 New Zealand International Comedy Nominee—an honour that is richly deserved. I turned 30 and I realised time doesn't go forev- Festival powered by Flick Electric Co. (take She’s a fantastic comedian and one of the most er. I always planned on coming back to NZ and a deep breath before saying that) started on original acts at the festival. as soon as I got back here, I did a gig. Thursday. Here’s your guide to the best bang for DID YOUR FIRST GIG GO WELL? your buck. Metro publishes their iconic Cheap Scott W Long Eats every year; now it’s time for Craccum’s Scott W Long is my cup of tea. I don’t even It went well enough. I wrote out my set word Cheap Laughs. like tea, but if Scott W Long was a cup of tea, I for word and rehearsed it for days. On my would drink it. Scott was a finalist in the Raw lunch break I'd just go walking around saying BEST UNDER $15 Comedy Quest in 2015 and I can’t recommend my set out loud. It wasn't very good, but it his show at the festival enough. I also had a lit- was fine. The next day Scott, from the Classic, Melanie Bracewell tle sit down with Scott to discuss his showing emailed me with more gigs, so I took that as a Melanie got her start in comedy when she won at the Comedy Festival, amongst other things. good sign. The reason I was able to keep going the title of “7 Days Georgie Pie Comedy Ap- was the New Zealand comedy scene. Everyone TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SHOW. prentice” in 2014. Then in 2015, she won the was helping each other out and stuff. Raw Comedy Quest. Melanie’s career just kept It's called "I'm Scott W Long", because no one on climbing when in 2016 she was nominated knows who the fuck I am. Everybody on the BEST UNDER $25 for Best Female Comedian at the 2016 NZ internet says there's only introverts and extro- Comedy Guild Awards. You can catch Mela- verts. I feel like I'm a pretty extreme introvert, The Fan Brigade nie’s first solo show,Brace Yourself, for as low but also obviously really extroverted to be do- as $14.40. ing stand-up comedy. The show is about the If you ask most people who the best musical dichotomy and the difference between those comedy group to come out of Aotearoa is, they James Roque two things. In my life there is a real difference would undoubtedly say Flight of the Con- James has been a personal favourite of mine between me in real life and me on stage. Also chords. But I think they’re all wrong. The Fan for quite some time now. He was nominated it's a bunch of jokes, which tends to be import- Brigade deserves that title. They’re going to be for Best Newcomer at the 2013 NZ Comedy ant to people. It’s an hour-long introduction. I superstars. I can feel their HBO show com- Guild Awards and since then he’s just been did a five-minute joke in my last show where I ing, so go watch them before they conquer the getting better and better. James has a regular say “I'm Scott W Long”, and I talk about why world. segment on Jono and Ben and has made appear- I use the “W”. Essentially that joke is an hour ances on 7 Days, After Hours and AotearoHA. long now. Rhys Mathewson In every show I’ve seen James Roque in, he has I’ve easily seen hundreds of stand-up shows. WHY DID YOU START DOING STAND-UP? ART BY ELAINE ZHONG ( @ELLAINEZYLL) never failed to be the best on the line-up. During only three of these shows have I been I always wanted to be a stand-up comic. I unable to breathe from laughing so hard. Rhys BEST UNDER $20 spent six years telling people I was going to be Mathewson is responsible for two out of the a stand-up comedian. I watched every bit of three. Last year he won the Fred Award, rec- Angella Dravid comedy on the internet, even interviews and ognising the Best New Zealand Show in the Angella Dravid has a distinctive style. With podcasts. I was travelling mostly during that NZ International Comedy Festival. You can’t only a couple of quiet words, she’s able to have time, and I would tell myself, “When I go to go wrong with Rhys Mathewson (he is a past an entire crowd in fits of laughter. Her deliv- London, I'll start doing stand-up comedy”, and Craccum Editor, after all). I’ve already bought ery is unique, and her perspective is always then I didn’t. Then I said, “When I go to Cana- eight tickets to his show, and you should too! hilarious. This year, Angela is a Billy T Award da, I’m going to do it”, and when I was in Japan The man’s a legend. He’s so good, I had to in-

[21] FEATURE terview him just so I could try to seduce him. it so upsetting. on here.”

HOW DID YOU GET YOUR START IN COMEDY? YOU WON THE FRED AWARD LAST YEAR; ARE YOU YOU'VE SPENT TIME OVERSEAS. DO YOU THINK HOPING FOR A REPEAT? YOU'LL STAY IN NEW ZEALAND NOW? I started in the Class Comedians Programme in the Comedy Festival. Well, yeah, I did a school I'm not really looking to win it again. I think Maybe, probably not. New Zealand's great, but theatre show and one of the guys who direct- the show this year is me leaning in a different stand-up here is too small still. I would stay ed it had already done class comedians and he direction slightly. So, generally what happens in New Zealand if Auckland, Wellington and started doing an after-school comedy course for is I have one show that's trying to deal with Christchurch had full-time comedy clubs, and the drama kids. I did that, and off the back of a thing and move in that direction. The first every other major city centre had some form it he recommended me for Class Comedians, show is fine, but it doesn't achieve my explo- of monthly gig. Then there would be enough which I did in 2006. ration of emotion that I want it to, and then work to keep me interested, but I don't want to the next one really does. This one is the first in be the person to have to start that up. I would WHY IS YOUR SHOW CALLED RHYS CLASSIC? the new direction. I’m kind of taking the foot much rather do it the Rose Matafeo route— Just because I’m a bit shit at marketing really. off the pedal in the expectations of it. I'm just where you have your own TV show, and then And I wanted to brand myself as being at the trying to see what new ground I can discover, you can tour here as much as you'd like, and go Classic during the Comedy Festival, because I to then nail in the next show. I still think it's to the market bigger and better. feel that's the place where I most fit. There’s the going to be a very good show. I'm still a very HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE NEW crew that do the Basement every year, because good stand-up [comedian], just in terms of my ZEALAND TO GET TO THAT LEVEL? that's the right fit for them, and it's great. But own artistic exploration. The jokes will be good I feel down there I get lost amongst the noise jokes, but in terms of becoming a greater thing, It might not. Wellington had a comedy club a bit. I'm not sure I'll hit where I want to hit. and their scene didn't get behind it enough, and it fell over, which was a real shame. Here's the WHAT’S RHYS CLASSIC ABOUT? HOW WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND? problem: Auckland is the only place to make I’m still struggling with the topic a little bit. I comedy financially viable. They need to have think largely it's going to be about belief, and I knew what I wanted to do—I wanted to be a quality professional acts, who live here, but to all the iterations of belief. Focusing less on re- comedian. So I was doing a degree that was in- do that would be to limit your own career for ligion, because I'm not the guy to take it down. teresting but I was then, and still am to a certain the sake of growing the scene, which is a very Plenty of other comedians have much more extent, very lazy. I just didn't do the work. I did noble thing. But I don't know anyone who experience and breadth of knowledge. It's go- English and Latin. Latin was fun. The problem would do it. ing to be about self-belief, and just the belief with Latin was there were only five people in In the United Kingdom, going to a stand- versus facts scenario that we find ourselves in the class, and I suffer from social anxiety. If I up comedy club is as viable an option for a currently. was five minutes late to a lecture, I would get night out as going to the movies, while in New to the door of the lecture, and know that it Zealand it's not. Also, partially because New IS IT GOING TO BE POLITICAL? would be full. But the idea of walking down Zealanders don't go to movies either. I don't know, but I feel it kind of has to be, to a the aisle to get to a spare seat, I couldn’t handle certain extent. I don't want to burn any materi- it. I wouldn’t go in, which of course is absurd, INTERNATIONAL al from the show itself, but I very much feel the because who cares? In Latin there are only five ACTS old “we've all heard this ad on the radio, here's of you, that magnified it by 1000. I missed a my witty take on it” kind of comedy. Everyone couple days of the course, maybe a week and a Also check out some of the talented interna- does that now. That's Facebook standard. So for bit, because every day I had some comedy stuff tional comedians who give the festival half its us to get up and do that, would be weak. That's on. I said to myself “Well I can never go back, name. Hal Cruttenden and Joel Creasey are not what stand-up comedy is anymore. the shame of facing those people is too great.” I great options for around $25, or get a ticket to went to the exam so it wouldn't say “Did Not Aussie Becky Lucas for as low as $14. ◆ THAT'S WHAT JIMI JACKSON IS. Sit”, and I just wrote the word Malkovich over Yeah. Well, hmmm. I don't know anything and over again. I had no fucking clue. I didn't about Jimi Jackson, but I have a feeling I'm not attend half the course. I just hope that whoever The New Zealand International Comedy going to like it. The people who make funny marked it enjoyed it. It's not someone trying Festival runs from 27 April–21 May. You YouTube videos or Facebook videos, I know to bullshit you. It's just a funny way to be like, can purchase tickets from www.comedyfesti- they deserve the title of comedian, but I find “Hey! Listen, man. We both know what's going val.co.nz.

[22] ARTS EDITORIAL

I would give my life for Baby Groot: A note to the galactic empire that will inevitably detain me in future With Anoushka Maharaj

SPOILERS AHEAD

Of the many elements that Marvel films are capable of feeling love, and just as importantly, what purpose for living is bigger than the universe?” comprised of, the very best of them were show- capable of receiving it. “Why would anybody offer their life for a tiny fic- cased in Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2. It Because I am just a giant sook, everyone tional tree?” Hell, why does anybody do any- was two hours of sick intergalactic fights; mur- who has ever known me has rolled their eyes at thing? (Love, in case you didn’t realise already.) derous siblings; expected but still wonderful re- my repeated admission that sentimentality and Superhero films, while brimming with ac- demption arcs; a flawless soundtrack and (hot) love (and a killer soundtrack) can be the most tion, are also enjoyable for their depth—and old men with psychopathic objectives. While remarkable aspects of any film. Groot sacrific- because they are often unfettered by romantic Volume 2 was laced with humour and com- ing himself for the Guardians with an utterance turmoil, they find other elements to focus on; mendable special effects, typical for a blockbust- of, “We are Groot” was an incredibly powerful like creating room for well-rounded characters er film, my favourite thing about it was that it moment—and my theory is that it’s because who constantly dance with death, or forge inter- ended up being surprisingly sincere. Inexorable great love is so often hard to show through typ- galactic partnerships, or sacrifice themselves for outbursts of affection ahead! Proceed with caution! ical grand gestures. Nothing seems big enough the good of the universe. In the case of Volume 2, The opening scenes ofVolume 2 set the stage when you’re trying to show someone how much we are given characters whose relationships lit- for what was to come—a creation much warm- you care about them—so superhero films carry erally transcend the space and time continuum, er and more jubilant than Volume 1—with Baby these absurdly giant acts of love out for us (com- and the evolution of friends becoming family. Groot treating the audience to a dance against plete with a dash of aliens and that *pew pew* Whether it was the absurdities that broke up the backdrop of “Mr Blue ” while the Guard- sound). There is, obviously, something magical raw moments, or the perfect use of Fleetwood ians battled a giant space monster. The cuteness and emblematic about the Marvel universe; Mac and Cat Stevens at the height of emotional and ineptitude of Baby Groot, combined with whether it’s the existence of the infinity stones, trajectories, Volume 2 is a treasure and a beauti- Rocket’s mostly patient and undying love for or the whereabouts of various villains, or the fun ful addition to the Marvel universe. It uses its him is a classic duo worth commemorating (the reminder that the universe is insanely vast—but enormous stage to wrap its narrative not around exchange about why Groot hates hats is possibly love is the only element within these stories gore, or self-aggrandisement (*cough* Captain the greatest thing in the history of film, and I’m that’s traces and effects can’t simply be collected America *cough*)—but around the simplest of not exaggerating). Another highlight was the or measured, which is what made Volume 2 and sentiments. signature coolness of Yondu walking along a aspects like Yondu’s arc so special (“I don’t fly I understand that people have different bridge while bodies cascade around him, thanks that arrow with my head, boy… I use my heart”). expectations, and might be disappointed by a to that damn arrow and his overall nonchalance In between fighting off heaving sobs every plot seemingly falling back onto something as about kicking ass. Good luck replicating that, time Baby Groot appeared on screen, I was over- “simple” or as “unexciting” as love, but there’s Captain America, you goody-good nerd. whelmed by the fact that Volume 2 was steeped a reason why it’s often the motivation for the As we know, films of all kinds attempt to in a surprising tenderness that built to a power- sacrifice of ultimate power or even one’s own hook audiences with their ultimate weakness- ful third act. One of the most significant themes life—because love is the biggest thing there is. And es—emotion, ugh—but many fall short of their in the film was this concept of “the unspoken reality is short of triumph these days, so maybe aims and merely come across as contrived. This thing”—whether it was between Gamora and it’s not all bad that Volume 2 was unabashed in is not so with Volume 2; it was a welcome exten- Quill, or Groot’s limited vocabulary that some- its emphasis of friendship and unity. Let your- sion from getting to know the gang in Vol ume how still owed itself to profanities, or between self be moved as the rainbow dust of a dead hero 1, to their now respective roles as lovable heroes Rocket and, well, everyone. “The unspoken dances through the stratosphere, while “Father who have become a genuine family. Guardians thing” is the immeasurable space between and Son” tears its way through your soul. Be is, of course, filled with whimsical characters, friends, family or lovers; it was an understanding like Quill and forget space and time and infinite but there was a sweetness to its characters’ devel- of this that filled the theatre while watching this power—because what use is an entire universe if opment, to Rocket’s slow realisation that even film, and it was Quill’s wordless answer to Ego’s you don’t get to dance to Electric Light Orches- a genetically engineered not a raccoon! could be probing questions all along the lines of: “But tra with the people that you love? ◆

[23] ARTS SPOTLIGHT ART BY ISOBEL GLEDHILL (@ISOBEL_G) ART

[24] ARTS SPOTLIGHT

Drowned in Moonlight, Strangled By My Own Bra: A Belated Love Letter to Carrie Fisher By Samantha Gianotti

It is the week of May the 4th, and as every Aldeer- Carrie Fisher is not here for your chained and Starkiller Base, where she had been kidnapped, anian worth their salt knows, May the 4th is Star bound-slave Leia sex fantasies, my friends. staved off Kylo Ren’s mind tricks, and witnessed Wars Day (it’s clever! It’s a pun! You fools, don’t (Please note the varied potential future uses of Han Solo’s death at the hands of his and Leia’s you see!). Attaching even more significance to the phrase “whirl him off into infinity”: convinc- own son. Not since The Shawshank Redemption a day already steeped in valour (read: a day that ing your friend to break up with her jabroni boy- have we (I) been made so emotional (gasping gives folks the chance to wear their silky Han friend, sliding the shithouse essay you started sobs muffled by a fist to the mouth) by two Solo pajama shorts out of the house as if they three weeks too late into the assignment hand- characters’ embrace. The effect of the hug is were, in fact, real pants) is the fact that 2017 in box, or chanting at the TV when someone is two-fold: we see a girl in need of an emotion- marks forty years since the release of A New telling a really shite story on Graham Norton’s al heimlich met with immediate affection by a Hope. The idea of hope in theStar Wars universe Big Red Chair.) kind-hearted, strong-willed woman, but this springs forth from Princess Leia’s holographic embrace transcends its status as a super emotion- recording in Episode IV, her desperate plea from She gave us the gift of Gary al moment of cinema. Instead of simply seeing within the depths of the Death Star: Help me Fisher two characters embracing, we see two women Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope. It is only bound by experience, words of advice and slivers fitting that this May 4th, we remember Carrie Carrie Fisher’s legacy is bound up in her free of wisdom bestowed from one badass woman Fisher in all her glory—a woman who was gener- and frank discussion of mental health, specifi- to another. Daisy has noted how Carrie Fisher ous with her words, and liberal with her middle cally on the topic of her own experiences with paved the way for women, in sci-fi and beyond, finger; who simultaneously managed to not give bipolar disorder. Her work and her words were and her experience as the female lead in a new a fuck while still really, genuinely giving a shit. regularly dedicated to expounding the highs and swathe of Star Wars films trails just a few decades lows wrought by her mental illness, and humour behind Carrie’s own experience in a very similar She truly, deeply wanted to became the sledge hammer that she would use position. Seeing Leia and Rey comfort each oth- be the one to kill Jabba the to strike down stigma. In 2013, Carrie Fisher er in comfortable silence, we might imagine all Hutt came to own her eventual constant companion, the words that passed between Carrie and Daisy. Gary—a French bulldog with dappled fur and During filming forEpisode VI, after being forced his tongue perpetually lolling out of his mouth. Carrie Fisher’s impact both on screen and off into a gold metal bikini by George Lucas the Gary, who became a certified therapy dog so as should not be undersold. She doctored many aforementioned globular mobster, it was put to to be a constant source of comfort for Carrie, be- classic film scripts without credit (including, ac- Carrie that her stunt double could be the one came a staple of The Force Awakens press tour, ap- cording to director Rian Johnson, some insight to film the scene where Leia kills her captor. It pearing on red carpets, sitting by his owner’s side on the script for The Last Jedi). She wrote books seems our heroine did not take to being a dam- during televised interviews, and receiving many and performed shows that were no-holds-barred sel in distress, whether it be in reality or fiction, a smooch from Oscar Isaac. Gary even attended when it came to exposing her personal, poignant firmly requesting that she be the one to end the this year’s Star Wars celebration day in Orlando experiences. Her unabashed, unashamed, of- sordid slug’s life. It’s important to note that Leia in his owner’s stead, as documented on his very ten foul-mouthed worldview, and her overaw- kills Jabba using the very chain that he had em- own Instagram (@garyfisher). ing sense of self, was an instructional guide for ployed to enslave her, which has to be the most young women: to realise the value of speaking literal example of making lemonade out of lem- She was one half of the out and speaking loud. Never afraid to be biting, ons. In a baller tweet from 2015, Carrie remind- most pure cinematic and never shying from the chance to be vulner- ed everyone that: embrace of all time able, Carrie Fisher was a force to be reckoned with, whose every fibre strayed away from de- That chain only"enslaved"me until I could use This is not in reference to the kiss between Leia mands of conformity. She once requested that the frabjous thing to KILL THAT DROOL- and Han in The Empire Strikes Back, nor their her obituary describe how she was “drowned in ING SWOLLEN SUPERTONGUED gut-punch-to-the-stomach reunion in The Force moonlight, strangled by my own bra”—and we SLUG&whirl him off into infinity Awakens. No, this is about Leia pulling Rey into aren’t inclined to disregard a request from roy- her arms after Rey’s return from the destroyed alty. ◆

[25] ARTS REVIEWS

Emotional Creature: Raw The Fate of the Furious The Secret Life of Girls FILM REVIEW BY SAMANTHA GIANOTTI FILM REVIEW BY ISOBEL GLEDHILL around the World In a family of veterinarians and vegetarians, six- “Isobel, are you going to turn your back on family?” THEATRE REVIEW BY GEORGIA HARRIS teen-year-old Justine is a reserved individual— My friends’ Fast and Furious references flew Auckland is currently experiencing a time of sure of her future goals, but decidedly unsure of right over my head in the group chat1 and I mis- plenty in terms of women-centric entertainment. herself. Upon her arrival at veterinary college, be- took their smug little in-jokes for a genuine desire Casts featuring a significantly more representative ginning a new chapter in the hallowed halls where to see me. I caved, after a lifetime of avoiding the ratio of women and non-binary folk to men are on her parents once studied, and where her older sis- whole chaotically named and numbered franchise, the rise within the Auckland theatre scene. One ter currently resides, she finds herself subjected to except for an accidental glimpse of the end of Fast 5, collective dedicated to increasing representations frantic hazing—doused in animal blood, her be- which left me deeply concerned about the injured of minority groups in media, The Others Club, longings routinely tossed from her room, finally bystanders and serious damage to infrastructure delivered a production of Eve Ensler’s Emotional forced to eat a raw rabbit kidney that ignites a can- that the characters wrought upon Rio de Janeiro. Creature—featuring an all-women cast—at Sa- nibalistic desire within her. And so the scene is set The Fate of the Furious starts in Cuba, where moa House on K Road earlier this April. for Julie Ducournau’s Raw, seamlessly combining capitalism is apparently yet to provide women with Emotional Creature, which was penned by elements of horror, comedy, and bildungsroman shorts that actually cover your butt. The uniform- the author of The Vagina Monologues, is a collec- in her third directorial outing. ly attractive and youthful population turns out to tion of monologues, poetry and ensemble pieces While cannibalism has been horror fodder for watch Dominic Torretto (Vin Diesel) have a casual inspired by girls around the world. Scenes stretch decades now, Raw does not rely on its consump- honeymoon car race in the first of many burning ambitiously across subject matter and serious- tive subject matter solely for shock or scare value vehicles. The villain, Cipher (Charlize Theron) ness. Just a few of the sketches include: an online (serving to ensure that the scenes where we do see also shows up. I didn’t think anything would annoy pro-anorexia forum, a high-school girl trying to fit our heroine chow down on her fellow university me more than her blonde ponytail of semi-dread- in with the cool kids, a teenager who misses her chums are all the more unsettling). Rather, Jus- locks, but the breathy villainous tone that she uses “funny nose” removed by plastic surgery, a girl es- tine’s flesh-eating fixation serves as the vehicle for throughout the entire film quickly supersedes any caping female genital mutilation, and an explora- an audience to experience a timid young woman’s borderline cultural appropriation. Cipher is sup- tion of queer sexuality and relationship dynamics. journey, her cannibalistic desires forming in tan- posedly a hacking genius, but all she really does is The humour and passion of the six diverse, ex- dem with her attempts to harness her indepen- threaten Dom in her annoying voice and order her tremely talented actresses (many of whom are re- dence and understand her sexuality—casting off nerds and thugs around. cent acting school graduates) was undeniably on the ideological shackles of her upbringing in an After Cuba, there is a funny wee interlude point throughout the production. Each and every environment totally unfamiliar and initially un- where Luke Hobbs () coaches his daugh- one of the cast members was engaging and rivet- welcoming. Justine may be a newly-inspired can- ter’s soccer team (turns out there’s no need to worry ing in their own way—at some particularly intense nibal, but she is also a fledgling teenager grappling about getting your action heroes confused—The points I almost felt I was intruding on something with her sense of self worth. The combination Rock compensates for having a more boring char- private. Their many talents were further show- of the two ultimately leaves us with the very real acter name than Vin Diesel by being infinitely cased with the inclusion of song and dance, as well option of feeling sympathy for the type of charac- cooler and funnier, and the actors hate each oth- as the drastic mood changes between scenes. ter the horror genre would usually call us to bas- er too much to be in the same scenes). To be fair, In terms of scripting, I found Eve Ensler’s writ- tardise or denounce. The Fate of the Furious had enough little jokes and ing a bit heavy on gender essentialism and sex neg- Amid incredible and disquieting visuals, a comprehensible enough plot that meant even an ativity—perhaps even too second-wave-y to call quippy dialogue, and a score that settles quickly action-movie hater like me could get through all feminist comfortably. However, I think that the beneath your skin, Raw is at its core the tale of a the wanking over flash cars. Self-driving cars and core goal of Emotional Creature, to celebrate the young woman discovering who she truly is when the finale taking place in Vladi-middle-of-nowhere secret life of girls around the world, was achieved. she sets out on her own. A comfortably feminist left me reassured that there weren’t too many inno- Emotional Creature covered a lot of women-relat- film, and a slow-burning banger,Raw elevates cent civilians harmed amidst the action. Best Fast ed, if not feminist ground, and welcomed a whole itself far above the lesser horrors of recent years, and Furious movie I’ve ever seen; worth going to if lot of new talent to the Auckland entertainment creating something magnetic amongst all the your family pays. ◆ scene too. ◆ munching on manflesh. ◆ 1 Editor’s note: 2 Fast 2 Furious for her amirite [26] ARTS REVIEWS

Doctor Who: Series 10, Swear I’m Good at This Suck Episode 1 Diet Cig Scared of Girls TELEVISION REVIEW BY PATRICK NEWLAND ALBUM REVIEW BY CHRIS WONG ALBUM REVIEW BY ANOUSHKA MAHARAJ

Full disclosure: overall, I did not like Matt Smith’s The debut effort from indie/pop-punk duo Diet Three years, two thousand beers, and one million doctor. I found that he was trying too hard to be Cig bursts with raw energy at its seams and is shirts later, Ponsonby locals Scared of Girls have as good as David Tennant. He wasn’t helped by his short, sharp and sweet while dealing with relat- brought garage rock back to Auckland with a glori- writing either—in his first two seasons particular- able topics. Sonically, Diet Cig stay comfortably ous five-track EP. The band have penned rugged (al- ly. Doctor Who is meant to be a show for everyone, within the boundaries of the energetic indie pop beit self-deprecating) songs about surviving—nay, yet almost no one could follow it. So, head honcho they’re familiar with, held together with lively thriving—on a student budget, including the varying Steven Moffatt simplified it a bit. He moved from guitars and frenetic drumming. Some variety perils of youthful promiscuity, turbulent relation- long complex stories that covered a year, to small- by the way of synth leads are introduced to spice ships and the (sometimes claustrophobic) nostalgia er self-contained arcs, two episodes max. So, it is things up on tracks like “Maid of the Mist”. of small towns. this formula that Peter Capaldi has represented The vibrant and musically fun album is of- SOG cites influences ranging from 60s classics through his time in the blue box. As he starts his ten at a contrast with its honest, intimate and (think Beatles/Rolling Stones) to newer bands with final season in the title role, I realise that he has be- vulnerable lyrics. What makes this album so rock/punk/alternative twists (think Wavves, FID- come my favourite doctor yet. relatable is its familiarity, as singer and guitar- LAR or The Strokes)—and whileSuck certainly In the premiere of the show’s 10th season ist Alex Luciano uses her personal experiences emulates these influences, the band retains a signa- (post-reboot), I think I can work out why. It’s cer- to weave through topics such as the struggles of ture style borne of their genuine devotion to these tainly not the writing, which I previously blamed. adolescence going into adulthood, insecurities, genres—and to each other. SOG are arguably icon- While the episode was great, that was almost en- consent, and romantic frustrations (as well as oclastic (“I’m only vegan when I can afford it”) and tirely at the feet of Capaldi’s performance. The more trivial topics like star signs and wanting to unabashed in their appreciation of local flavour— episode showed his transformation from an ec- have ice cream on your birthday). Luciano uses their music videos are often filmed at their flat (in centric university professor, who had given up his this project to challenge gender roles and ste- between drunken renditions of “The Chain”), which time traveling ways, back to the character that every reotypes—for example, as she asserts on “Tum- often feature friends of the band. fan loves—just an eccentric professor. Capaldi was my Ache”, “I don’t need a man to hold my hand / Standout tracks include “Big Happy”, a vibrant hitting every beat. He was joined by his new 2017 That’s just something you’ll never understand”, as and dynamic track preceding “One and the Same”, companion Bill, played by Pearl Mackie. While well as commenting on the irony of conformity much heavier in its subject matter, but evidence of much has been made in the press of the character in the punk scene when you aren’t seen as quite their versatility as musicians. A personal favourite is being the first openly gay companion in the show’s “powerful, cool or whatever enough”, with the dec- the comparably dissonant “Mulholland Drive”— 55-year history, I like how this is not even given a laration that “it’s hard to be a punk while wearing made brilliant by its spooky bridge and endearing second look at in the show itself. a skirt”. erraticism. This is followed by bonus track “Alcohol”, The story just continued on as it would have re- The album balances this with moments of packed into one sweet little minute as a chaotic con- gardless. The other highlight to the first show and wit and hilarity too, such as on opener “Sixteen”, fession that we are all-too-familiar with: “I am a real the Christmas special back in December was Matt where Luciano recalls the bizarre moment of asshole when I drink alcohol”. Lucas as the doctor’s second companion/manser- dating someone with the same name: “When I A succinct five-track (plus bonus track) ode to vant Nardole. His quick wit and subtle charm have was sixteen / I dated a boy / With my own name garage rock, there is a little something for everyone not changed since his days in Little Britain, and he / It was weird / In the back of his truck / Moaning on this EP—whether it’s the overt, cutting grung- has immense chemistry with Capaldi. So even if the my name / While trying to f***.” “Link In Bio” iness of “Full Metal Jacket”, more classically upbeat story was so-so, I loved the start of Capaldi’s swan showcases Luciano at her most unrestrained yet, rock anthems like “Big Happy” or “Alcohol”, or the song as the doctor—and whatever is in store for the packing a punch of feminist energy, with a re- fuzzy, alternative vibes of “Beach Teens”, these home- rest of the year, I’m already looking forward to it. peated refrain telling anyone with negative vibes grown punks are here for your next bout of shit- Doctor Who is on Prime, Sundays 7:30pm. If to “f*** off.” talking and beer-drinking on the patio of a house you are looking to catch-up, all past episodes can be All in all, Swear I’m Good at This is definitely you don’t own. found on Netflix, and this year’s shows are on the one of the more enjoyable punk albums of the Oh, and yeah—the album cover is a real tattoo University library online archive. ◆ year, and definitely worth a listen. ◆ belonging to the lead singer. Follow your dreams, kids. ◆ [27] ARTS FEATURE ART BY DAPHNE ZHENGART

[28] ARTS FEATURE

A Longform Review: Colossal With Jordan Margetts

SPOILERS AHEAD

Some films, or books or TV shows or albums, So what is Colossal doing? During post-film some juggling act between various highbrow just sort of smack you somewhere in the so- chat we came up with three basic notions: first- concepts (exposed in a lowbrow way), then this lar-plexus. You can’t get rid of the narcissistic ly, a sort of allegorical examination of white- ball is the one that gets dropped. And while it but a little too enjoyable feeling that the artist working-class male rage. Secondly, a basically was consistent with the generally cynical tone made this for you, about you. This isn’t one of unsatisfying examination of personal failings, in that there wasn’t really a self-improvement those films. This weird-bizarre-intellectu- particularly re addiction. And thirdly, a cool narrative, the flip from a focus on Hathaway al-corny-mess of a film is almost impossible to meta-commentary on a certain stock rom-com to Sudeikis, the lack of any exploration of how parse out. We left the cinema (reviewer tickets, type film. addiction actually functions, and the total bait- cheers Craccum) a little dazed, a little amused, a This down-to-earth bar owner, as it turns and-switch in terms of who the “bad guy” end- little bored, and a lot bewildered. out, also has a monstrous avatar, this one in ed up being just felt cheap and unconvincing. The basic conceit is this: Anne Hathaway, the form of a gigantic transformer-looking ro- By far the best element of Colossal was the in a schlubby version of her usual charming bot. And here lies the twist: we thought the parodying of rom-com audience expectations. New York elite self (think Devil Wears Prada), whole problem of the film was Anne Hatha- The film we start off with just.so.typicalis —and is some kind of messy alcoholic. The English way’s not overly convincing binge-drinking then suddenly it isn’t. What’s clever is, it isn’t boyfriend dumps her for the terrible crime of problem. It was Sudeikis’ pathological rage the monster that undercuts our expectations, being drunk too often. She goes back to her against an unfair world, against a wife who it’s the men (perhaps these are the real mon- middle-American home town. Rekindles a (presumably) left him, against his unrealised sters. Deep stuff ). I went to the film with one of friendship with the bar-owning Jason Sudeikis ambitions for his bar, against Anne Hatha- my editors—and we spent a good while after- and keeps drinking too much. About this way for going to New York and becoming a wards being amazed and slightly disturbed that point in the film we’re pretty sure we’ve seen journalist and having a better life. In a peri- from moment to moment, in the final thirty or this movie. The boyfriend is a jackass. The guy od where the American establishment is in a so minutes of the film, we continually bounced back home who she knew through childhood paroxysm of confusion about Trump and his from thinking the douchey unsupportive emo- is a sweetheart. They’ll fall in love. She’ll stop middle-American supporters, I can’t help but tionally manipulative condescending cunt of drinking so naughtily. read the third-act of Colossal as an elongat- an Englishman, or the actually physically vio- ...then it turns out she unwittingly controls ed attempt to explore male-rage. This leads lent misogynist bar-owner, were going to reveal a monster which, in mimicking her move- to some of the more interesting conceptual their true colours and rescue her. Realising that ments, is decimating Seoul and killing a bunch difficulties—and seems to force you to turn this would be a stupid ending, and how much of Koreans. (The film is never convincingly much of the film into a cheap metaphor. Anne Hollywood bullshit you have to absorb to even very concerned about this.) Hathaway becomes a scion for a troubled subconsciously want that, speaks to something I have this sort of broad test when I review elite class who ultimately needs to overcome terrible about the way the type of filmColossal anything in particular. It goes something like a somewhat sympathetic but ultimately toxic is sending up constructs male-female relation- this: (1) What is the film’s interior goal, what rage from middle America. ships. does it actually want to do—does it succeed? Mixed in with this large-scale post-Trumpi- Ultimately this was a film-of-ideas. And (2) Do I like what it’s trying to do? I suspect an child’s nightmare about masculine rage we you can get a good conversation out of it. But the first question is always the hardest, and get a filmed version of a now clichéd notion: the conversations you get will be exactly that: probably the most tempting to skip—but the idea of addicts having “monsters”. Anne about the ideas the film brings up. The text -it while it’s all very well me saying I hate The Hathaway is an alcoholic. For her she’s puffy self never really moves beyond the vapidity it’s Avengers because I don’t like superhero mov- and grumpy, her hair’s a mess, and she seems to trying to parody. But, I hope more weird high ies, it’s pretty much worthless unless I get look tired often. Apparently that’s what pass- concept films like this come out. I also hope what it’s doing on its own terms. es for a life-destroying addiction. If Colossal is they’re better than this. ◆

[29] Pride Week! ALANA MISSELBROOK - MEDIA OFFICER

Week eight is going to be a big week for AUSA, as ing Tea. This can be located at Student Space A201 AUSA’s own Queer Rights Officer is launching Pride in the main reception building. A free pride-themed Week! Isabella Francis, the Queer Rights Officer, has morning tea for anybody based at Epsom campus! a fun-filled week planned at the University. Go along to have a snack, grab a Pride Craccum, and First off on Monday from 12pm to 2pm is the chat to your friendly Queer Rights Officer! From Rainbow Expo in the Quad! This event includes 2pm to 4pm in the Old SJS Office, above the Quad a barbeques, music and a performance from Ngā and opposite the Common Room is the “Talk to a Tauira Māori. The Rainbow Expo will also house Sexpert/HIV 101” event. This free event is hosting many stalls for students to get info from, including: staff and sexual health experts from the New Zea- Ending HIV, EquAsian, the Equity Office, Trans on land Aids Foundation who will be discussing sex. If Campus, Hidden Perspectives, Rainbow Science, you have any burning questions that you have been Rainbow Engineering, and Rainbow Business! too afraid to ask, or just want to know more, this is Next up: on Tuesday there’s the Trans Academ- for you. This is a relaxed event and no judgement ic Symposium from 4pm to 6pm in room 207-303. will be passed. All questions and contributions are This is being run by Trans on Campus and will fea- encouraged. Just to sweeten the deal even more, ture some academics talking about their research and there will be FREE ICE CREAM provided, so experiences. Not to mention, there will be snacks who wouldn’t want to go to this amazing event? I provided for everyone who goes along, so make sure know I would. Next up on the agenda for Thursday you don’t miss out. It’s all go on Tuesday, as straight is a screening of Carol courtesy of Hidden Perspec- after the Trans Academic Symposium is the UniQ tives. You can find this event in Arts 1, Room 209 games night at Cap and Gown, this on City Campus. Ditch the books and is a fun social event, run by UniQ recharge your batteries with this 2015 from 6pm to 9pm. This event is British-American romantic drama film. guaranteed to have board games, Set in New York City during the early snacks and competitiveness. If that 1950s, Carol tells the story of a forbid- appeals to you, go to the event! den affair between an aspiring pho- Wednesday is a big day for Pride tographer and an older woman going Week. Over at the Grafton campus through a difficult divorce. Not only pridethere is a Rainbow Afternoon Tea, is this event hosting an amazing movie, this is situated outside the Student but also popcorn and other snacks are Kitchen in the Main Atrium of Grafton Campus. Be provided. Go on, we know you want to! If movies there at 2:30pm if you study at Grafton, that way you aren’t your thing, but poetry is, make your way to the can make sure you get free food and can be a part of “Hot Damn, It’s a Queer Slam” event in the Garden the celebration of our rainbow community. At 2pm Room of Shadows Bar. 6pm, free entry, and it’s open in Queerspace on the City campus, there is a Global mic for any poets to get and and give it a shot! Any Queer Students Meeting - if you don’t know where and all poetry is welcomed - even Haikus can send Queerspace is, it’s on level three of the Quad, oppo- powerful messages. Prizes include some sweet UBS site Shadows but one flight of stairs down! Look out vouchers! Judges to be announced, so keep an eye on for the rainbow flag. The Global Students Meeting is the Facebook page! a coffee group for queer, questioning, or interested Friday has a great event called the Ass Class. Sit- international students to meet and chat in a casual uated in the Old SJS Office, above the quad and op- environment. Everyone is welcome no matter their posite the Common Room on City Campus at 2pm orientation or where they come from! Tea, coffee to 4pm, this free event is running along with Ending and snacks will be provided, just make sure to bring HIV who is conducting a workshop aimed to help your lovely selves to the meetings. The final event students practice healthy and pleasurable anal sex. on Wednesday is legend-wait for it-DARY! 6pm in If you’re confused about Anal sex, or want to know Shadows Bar is the one, the only DRAG QUEEN more for future reference, this event is highly recom- BINGO! Bring in a can of any type of food for the mended for you, plus snacks are provided! AUSA Foodbank, grab your nana cardi’s, some slip- The week comes to a close on Saturday with the pers and your old war stories to share, because the Mardi Gras Party at Shadows Bar. From 7pm ‘til late, night of Drag Queen Bingo is the night to tap into AUSA is wrapping up Pride Week with a MASSIVE your future elderly self. Don’t miss out. It will be Mardi Gras Party. Dressing up is highly encouraged, amazing! Our hosts are the lovely Shavorn Aborealis with the inclusion of spot prizes and a lot of dancing! and Yurii Guai. Make sure you turn up to the events throughout Thursday is jampacked full of events. Beginning the week, and make the most of the amazing Pride in Epsom at 10am to 11:30am is the Epsom Morn- Week we have scheduled[30] for you! ◆ Do You Need Urgent Dental Care? AUSA and Alpers Dental are working together to provide urgent dental care to students who cannot afford it.

AUSA and Alper offer ten grants a year. A dental grant includes a free exam, free x rays, a free hygiene and up to $200 towards dental treatment.

Apply online at www.ausa.org.nz/teeth

[31] advocacy advocacy ausa ausa

rewards rewards class reps class reps

events media media [32] COLUMNS

With Wired In Rachel Berryman

The Fate of the Facebook Each week Rachel, social media enthusiast and online lurker extraordinaire, keeps you in-the-know about what is topical and trending across the world wide web.

In what must have been a highly-calculated PR camera functionality has already caused many ically generated from your Facebook photos, stunt, last week saw the coincidal release of the the heart palpitation. and allows you to hang out with your friends eighth The Fast and the Furious film and Face- Act II involves the release of Facebook’s in virtual locations. The “spaces” themselves book’s annual developer conference, both more Camera Effects Platform, which contains a li- are customisable, with users having the abili- affectionately known as “F8”. Though there’s brary of “basic effects” such as “face masks, art ty to choose any 360-picture to serve as their undoubtedly a nuanced discussion of the ac- frames and style transfers” that users can easily background. From inside the app, you can also tion-car-and-muscle-packed movie franchise apply to photos taken using Facebook. Because browse your Facebook timeline, take pictures to be had, this column sets its sights specifically it’s open-platform, anyone will be able to con- with a selfie stick, make video calls to friends, on the “F8” of the social networking monolith, tribute to this library; in the not-so-distant draw in 3D (much like Tilt Brush) and watch in the hopes that recounting the conference’s future, Facebook hopes to amass (and offer) 360-videos. headlining (and head-spinning) announce- thousands of different designs and effects from Honestly, if you have time today, Google ments will assist this overwhelmed author to creators all over the world. “Mashable Facebook Spaces” and check out process the incredible visions Mark Zuckerberg Aside from the size of its library, the Cam- Jack Morse’s beta demo. I’ve watched it five has for his platform. era Effects Platform’s main point of difference times and still can’t get my head around it. At this year’s F8, Mark began his keynote from its most obvious competitor, Snapchat, At the moment, most of these fantastical vi- address by lamenting the growing dissolution is the incorporation of three AR “building sions are still in their infancy, with many more of community ties and outlining the role Face- blocks” into its image-capturing technology: years of development still needed to realise book hopes to play in bringing its users (back) precise location, 3D effects and object recogni- their full potential. In the meantime, however, together. Since the 1970s, Mark noted, partic- tion. Precise location involves accurately gaug- we do have a number of smaller updates to look ipation in local groups and clubs has decreased ing the depth of a photographed environment, forward to: by as much as 25%. At odds with Facebook’s in turn enabling the seamless integration of 3D ethos of connectivity, this conundrum inspired graphics into the spaces viewed through the • Instagram will soon be accessible offline. Facebook’s developers to start brainstorming lens. 3D effects enable the application of 3D • Messenger 2.0 will feature discover tools to how best to instill a “sense of purpose” in in- effects to 2D pictures, such as viewing a room help you find new businesses and chatbots to dividuals who are no longer coming together from different angles or filling it with water. interact with (SmarterChild, anyone?). to discover, express and further their passions. Object recognition identifies particular items • Messenger will also soon be integrated with Their solution? Augmented reality (AR). within the frame and offers the user visual ef- Spotify and Apple Music for easier music “Augmented reality is going to make it so fects unique to them, such as a steam effect for sharing, and will include more in-app gam- that we can create all kinds of things that, un- a cup of coffee. Further down the line, Mark en- ing capabilities. til today, have only been possible in the digital visions this technology serving as the founda- • Facebook will soon be releasing two new world,” Mark gushed, “We’re going to be able tion for more complex AR experiences, such as 360-cameras (with 6 and 24 lenses, respec- to interact with them and explore them togeth- virtual street art installations and virtual notes tively) that will offer the ability to capture er.” left for friends at specific geographic locations. 360-video on-the-move. Facebook’s efforts to incorporate AR into The same technology also underscores the its interface are already underway. Those pesky second major offering Facebook revealed at F8: There’s also the small matter of the Direct Brain updates to the Facebook and Messenger apps social virtual reality. If you had any doubts that Interfaces that Facebook’s engineering team are that made turning your camera on way too Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One is actually a working on, which will one day let you commu- easy? That was Act I. “We’re making the camera work of non-fiction sent back from the future, nicate using your mind and interpret through the first augmented reality platform,” Mark ex- Facebook Spaces will convince you otherwise. your skin, but unfortunately we don’t have room plained, offering no reassurance to those of us This new app, available now in beta for Oculus for the keyboard smashing I have yet to do to with clumsy fingers for whom the newly-added Rift, assigns you an animated avatar automat- process that information here. ◆

[33] COLUMNS

With By Popular Michael Clark Demand

Ode to Hamilton Part I: How to Build Ideas Through Music Each week Michael, long-time writer and all-round teddy bear, tries to persuade you to take pop culture seriously.

Despite my Hamilton: An American Musi- velop and signify a character’s journey. Video Hamilton’s music is naturally used as a ve- cal sweatshirt, I am not true fan of Hamilton. essayist Javed Sterritt observes that “Hedwig's hicle for characterisation. The increasingly re- Not in the way some of my friends are. Yeah, Theme” (the playful main theme of theHarry peated line of “Alexander Hamilton” and/or I can pick out a Hamilton song from a crowd, Potter series) gets sparser as the movies go on, its accompanying riff whenever Hamilton sings but you get me singing along with one and signifying the loss of Harry’s innocence and marks the character’s growing self-importance. I’ll eventually fall behind or stumble on some the general loss of hope as the series go on. The Burr’s constant use of the line “waiting” accom- of the lyrics. I know that the play is a dazzling last time we hear the melody is during Harry’s panied by melodies from “Wait For It” serve marvel of sound and movement, but I had death scene where it never completes itself, sig- as a reminder of his disposition for indecision. never closely studied the intricate connections naling the end of hope. Meanwhile, The Lord Music is used to foreshadow the fate of each between characters through song and dance. of the Rings theme “The Fellowship” constant- character, the most obvious being Hamilton’s. I didn’t even know The Bullet was a thing (if ly changes depending on the dynamic of the Hamilton’s death is a relentless part of the you don’t either, seriously Google it—it’s quite eponymous group. As more members are add- music serving as the main driver for the duel spectacular). ed to the group more instruments are added to motif. The music counts up to nine, but never What I do love to look at is how film and the orchestra. Similarly, if there is a rupture in quite makes it to the tenth beat since the tenth television use their music. Leitmotifs—bits the group, the theme will start playing a cor- pace in a duel is the point where the combat- of music that identify characters, ideas, or rupted version of itself. ants turn around. The music always lingers, themes—are fun to play around with. Doctor In fact, the complete lack of leitmotifs can teasing us that the tenth pace is yet to come. Who blares its leitmotifs unapologetically. be damaging to the emotional bond the audi- Meanwhile, the chorus watches tragically Every character has their own piece of music ence share with a character. The Marvel Cin- from the sidelines as Hamilton steers toward which varies depending on the tone of the ematic Universe is infamous for its unmem- his fate; their music, unheard by the charac- scene. Game of Thrones is just as brazen, but orable, bland soundtrack and I’m willing to ters, pleads for Hamilton. They repeat phras- puts careful thought into the placement of mu- bet that it has to do with its lack of leitmotifs es, emphasise words, and contort melodies sic, often using it to hint to the audience that identifying or tying characters together. Other to mean different things to convey a warning there are connections between characters and/ than “The Avengers”, the song that plays when that only the audience hears. Even though or events. Lost not only has leitmotifs for each the Avengers assemble or do something trium- the fates of the characters are told during the of its many main characters, but also leitmotifs phant, there are really no other recurring melo- introductory song, these rhythms constantly when different situations occur like a death or dies to signify themes or character progression remind us throughout the show where every- hiking across the island. so the music becomes bland and emotional in- thing is leading. Adorno, academia’s buzzkill, hated the way vestment in the character development wanes. Leitmotifs are important; they link charac- that leitmotifs were being used like this, noting So when my friend, who is co-writing the ters, situations, ideas, and themes, allowing us “the sole function of the leitmoti[f ] is simply second part of this piece and knows a lot more to create arcs easily within a piece of work. They to announce heroes or situations so as to help about Hamilton than I do, started talking create emotional connections with the audience, the audience to orientate itself more easily.” For about the leitmotifs of Hamilton, I was all ears. and signify shifts in narrative and character de- Adorno, creating a theme solely for the individ- I started appreciating the intricate placement velopment. Hamilton uses the leitmotif to its ual hinders development and change. He called of recurring rhythms and phases in each song. extremes, but that’s not the only way the play it “totalising”—a nod to previous works he did I wasn’t looking at a mishmash of songs put structures its music to create narrative, character, about totalitarian ideology. together to tell the story of a founding father and thematic significance. We also have to look But this is not all necessarily true. Rather, and the man who shot him, rather a carefully at the context of Hamilton’s music—next time composers who utilise leitmotifs have found constructed chaos telling the story of two trag- in “Ode to Hamilton Part II: Why Hamilton a way to sidestep the issue. Leitmotifs can de- ic conflicting heroes. Wouldn’t Exist Without Rap”.◆

[34] COLUMNS

Amateur With Hour Jordan Margetts

A Man Says a Thing About Feminism Each week Jordan, disgraced former-editor-in-chief, tries to impart political wisdom but mainly just cries in the shower.

The title is a lie, but I wanted attention quite tions, it’s the bad signalling. The central com- will damage feminism, at least to some small badly. This isn’t actually about feminism, it’s plaint actually seems to be about opportunistic degree. And here’s my-bait-and-switch mo- about a book called Why I’m Not a Feminist by marketing—e.g. in the wake of Bernie and then ment. Because we (assuming “we”) are basically Jessica Crispin. This book is causing quite a stir. Trump we see heaps of critique on pop-up rally uncomfortable with what Crispin is doing, or The Guardian wrote a positive (but duly criti- stores in the US. But a title like I Am A Feminist at the very least the way she’s packaged it, we cal) review. Here’s the summary they give: But Think There May Be More To It Than Tee (I) am fine with critiquing it for non-intellec- Shirts And Instagram doesn’t sell books. Which tual problems. By which I mean: what practi- “What she disdains, then, is what she is part of the irony here: a book that’s basically cal effect does this attempt at contributing to deems lifestyle feminism: a bland, ul- critiquing the pernicious effects of neoliberal the discourse actually have? But we’re a lot less tra-inclusive marketing exercise that de- consumerism dilutes its own message in order comfortable doing this when people are on mands absolutely nothing from those who to get extra media attention and purchases. the right side. How many Everyday Feminism buy into it save for to ask that they use the Aside from hypocrisy though, I think articles have there been decrying the essential word ‘feminist’ as frequently as possible, there’s a bigger problem. This book is being bigotry of people who respond to being “called preferably while looking utterly adorable.” talked about on the internet. And one of the out” with “well, that won’t convince anyone”. features of the fractured-democratised-infor- We’re told that oppressed groups don’t have to I don’t really think I’m in any kind of position mational-superstructure that haunts all of us think about efficacy. to comment on how women should behave from the minute we wake up and check Face- For the most part I think I buy this logic: who want to be feminists. Beyond thinking book to the minute we fall asleep bathed in (a) being nice hasn’t worked in the past; shock- Taylor Swift and Beyoncé are pretty-bloody-far blue-light is that fuckwits get to see stuff too. ing people at least gets your issues out there, from inspirations, I think being an ally basically Which is a slightly elitist point I know. But and (b) fuck up, it isn’t my job to educate you. means, in this situation, I should shut up and imagine the total dicks who are going to find But reading this book, to which I essential- let people who aren’t, ya know, massively-over- out a female intellectual has written a book that ly apply the “well, this does more harm than ly-continually-patriarchally privileged do the (thinks it) exposes the ultimate shallowness of good” critique, I wonder. Maybe in these tense, substantive debating. But there’s an important modern feminism. And while Rachel Cooke of socially aggravated times we need to think a lit- side issue—social good versus legitimate cri- The Guardian might be able to craft a measured tle harder about how people from other, well, tique. response, the reddit trolls and the Spiked! read- tribes will take our words. I’m not sure really. As The Guardian article notes, Jessica Crisp- ers will not. At last a certain type of gross chau- But I’m concerned. in’s book, while clever and (they’re at pains to vinist can laud the failures of feminism. Craccum loves letters to the editor. I love let- point out) actually very feminist (but in an out- Quite obviously that was never Crispin’s ters to me. Please email [email protected] of-fashion second-wave kind of way), fails to intention. This is an argument from within. It’s with your thoughts. Do we need a change in provide any helpful normative solutions. It’s all part of an evolving feminist movement having tone? Does it matter if people are convinced? diagnostics and no medicine. And, while this is an internal dialogue. But books at some level Have I missed an obvious point? (yes). If you a failure in a book that wants to convince you are written to be sold. And a provocative title email me with something interesting I will de- to give up a particular label/ideology, it isn’t means sales. Many of which will be to people vote a whole column to replying. ◆ generally a fatal flaw. There are plenty of social who don’t want to improve or support femi- problems, or problems with movements, that nism, but who want something to justify their RECOMMENDATIONS: absolutely should be raised, even if we have no fundamental discomfort with it. “How a Fractious Women’s Movement Came clue how to solve them. And this raises an interesting problem. Like to Lead the Left,” Amanda Hess, New York But the problem with calling your book I say, I think there’s lots of room to challenge Times. Why I Am Not A Feminist, and using it as a problematic elements of a movement. And “Jessa Crispin: ‘Today’s feminists are bland, shotgun attack on a consumerist modern form Crispin being an educated, feminist woman is shallow and lazy’,” Rachel Cooke, The Guard- of popular feminism, isn’t the lack of the solu- in a prime place to do so. But these critiques ian.

[35] COLUMNS

Quarter-Life With Crisis Caitlin Abley

Gone Girl Each week Caitlin, disgraced former-editor-in-chief, tackles an item from her list of Twenty Things To Do In Your Twenties and tries to pass it off as journalism.

Like most normal 23-year-olds, I have spent my in a Subaru in Whangarei with nine hours to kill instead of dying my hair mouse-brown and wear- mid-semester break trapped in a cycle of eating while I waited for them to finish up at their wed- ing a doo-rag (which David Fincher deemed was stale crackers, watching the first 50 minutes of ding. What better time to reinvent oneself than enough to make the devastatingly beautiful Ro- Will Smith movies on Netflix, experiencing crip- when one is stuck in a city with a population of samund Pike ugly as FUCK), I piled on a bunch pling anxiety over my university workload, refus- 53,000 and an alarming number of annual stab- of amethyst necklaces and turquoise rings—very ing to do anything to ameliorate said workload, bings? Also, what else is there to do in Whanga- Lilah Celeste. Like Amy Dunne in Gone Girl, I and going back to the stale crackers. I continued rei other than develop an alter-ego and impress it also ate my body weight in Kit Kats—it helped my treasured tradition, three years strong, of vow- upon the unwitting locals? her get into character, right? And then I waited ing to write at least four columns in the break, only Now that I’d determined my location, I had for chances to reveal my new self to the people of for my deadline to arrive with—you guessed it— to decide who I wanted to be for the day. This in Whangarei. Clean slate. precisely zero words written. Although pressed itself was a fun, if not convincingly productive I sat on the beach for a few hours, trying to for time, I decided that the break presented an exercise, and I’d recommend it as a piece of pro- project with my posture alone that I owned a opportunity to cross something more hefty off crastinatory bullshit. Ask yourself: if you were to lifestyle block and had a very holistic outlook my list of Twenty Things To Do In Your Twenties. model the ideal trajectory of your life, what would on life. I tried to show off my forearms in the The 21-hour-long M. Night Shyamalan marathon it look like? What person would you be? My Ideal hope that someone would notice that they were seemed the obvious choice, but my watching bud- Self has a couple of possible manifestations. Ideal well-developed, from such regular jam-mak- dy had to bail at the last minute, inexplicably not Self Number One is called something like Celeste ing. No dice. I went to McDonalds, and said, having 21 hours to devote to twelve works of stag- or Lilah or maybe Lilah Celeste and she lives on charmingly, to the girl at the counter, “The gering cinematic genius. I chose instead to tackle: a farm out in Bethells Beach in a dodecahedron name’s Lilah, for the order.” “Um,” she replied, house with eight dogs and thirty-two chickens. “we just give you a number, you’re 254.” I smiled Go to a city where no one knows your name. Lilah Celeste makes organic jams that she sells at at her like I was the kind of woman who had a Reinvent yourself. local markets and her period is synced with the giant vat in her backyard wherein she squashed moon. Lilah Celeste is essentially Zoe Kravitz’s homegrown raspberries with her bare feet (for Now, I’m assuming the author of this particular character in Big Little Lies (and equally hot). Ideal jam-making purposes). I don’t think she got it. challenge really meant to suggest moving to a new Self Number Two is probably called Hazel or Si- This wasn’t going well. I stopped at the petrol city and starting afresh. As much as I would love enna and she’s a public intellectual. Hazel writes station, and tried to ask the bored teen at the to drop out of uni (for the second time) I’d say for the New Yorker. Hazel gets invited to speak at pump whether there was a market in town (for that even by my standards uprooting my life and literary panels and runs a weekly podcast. She in- jam-selling purposes). He grunted back, “Yep shifting to another city might bejust a bit much for terviews other public intellectuals (especially hot there’s a Pak ‘n Save up the road.” I laughed like a column. Besides, where the fuck would I move? ones) and eventually runs a late night talk show. the kind of lady who owned an enormous loom Financial restrictions would confine me to New Hazel is essentially female Stephen Colbert (and on which to spin the wool from her pet sheep, Zealand. Wellington’s full of wanks, Christchurch equally hot). which she then hammered into a paper-like sub- is full of whites and Tauranga is full of people wait- I thought Whangarei wouldn’t respond well stance (for jam-labelling purposes). He didn’t ing to die. This country offers seriously slim pick- to Hazel—bless her, but she’s way too bougie get it either. The final nail in Lilah Celeste’s cof- ings in terms of attractive cities. So I’d have to settle for the place. Lilah Celeste would be a better fin came when someone recognised me as I was for visiting a new place and reinventing myself for a fit—surely there’s a coven of ageing bohemians leaving the petrol station. Turns out it’s hard to temporary period of time. squelching around in Whangarei, making hand reinvent yourself in a country when you know The perfect opportunity presented itself when creams and selling artisanal balsamic vinaigrette someone in every fucking town. I overheard a conversation between two family on Sundays—so I decided I’d take her with me Reinventing yourself in one day is precisely as friends, who were discussing who would sober when I was stranded in the Paris of the Upper dumb as it sounds. Maybe it would be worthwhile drive to a wedding just outside of Whangarei. I’m North Island for the day. to attempt over a longer period of time, and proba- always scoping for a #sidehustle, so like the little I dropped the old mates off at the wedding and bly somewhere other than Whangarei—but may- charlatan I am, I offered to sober drive them for set about my process of reinvention. I was creating be just try to like your current self first. Or maybe cash. This eventually wound up with me sitting myself anew, like Amy Dunne in Gone Girl, but try a doo-rag, it worked for Amy. ◆

[36] Baby’s bottom sudoku Kisses and Quizzes QUESTION MARK’S CORNER

EASY (ONE POINT) 4 3 9 8 1. Nelson Mandela died in which year? 2. If a material is described as “ferrous”, what metal is most likely present? 3 7 1 8 9 2 3. George Gershwin wrote a rhapsody in which colour? 6 MEDIUM (TWO POINTS) 2 5 8 1 9 4. Game of Thrones season seven is set to premiere in which month? 5. Exit Through the Gift Shop was directed by which artist? 5 7 6. Robbie Deans served as coach of which Super Rugby franchise? 7. In which country would you find the Spanish Steps? 6 7 4 3 5 HARD (THREE POINTS)

1 8. Eric Monkman has become a cult celebrity due to his erratic appearanc- es on which long-running quiz show? 5 3 6 2 4 1 9. How old was the oldest competitor in the recent World Masters Games? 10. Who were the three original hosts of ? 7 9 4 6

Rock solid sudoku Herald’s Heroes Every week we’ll trawl the comments section of the NZ 6 3 9 1 Herald Facebook page to find the hilarious, the repulsive, and the outright absurd. 8 9 4 3 6 8 9 5 1 5 1 7 9 3 9 5 2

1 2 7 While the country was getting all flustered about the high-profile VIPs -ar riving in Queenstown, and whether we should even allow that Five-Eyed 5 9 Hillary-Hater James “Inappropriately Timed Federal Investigation” Com- ey into the country, Jo had her mind on other things because JO IS TOO

9 4 2 3 GODDAMN PURE FOR THIS WORLD.

University Challenge Challenge University 9. 101 10. , Alison Mau and Jesse Mulligan Jesse and Mau Alison Boyed, Greg 10. 101 9. 8.

Italy 7. Crusaders 6. Banksy 5. July 4. Blue 3. Iron 2. 2013 1. Answers:

[37] the people to blame. EDITORS Catriona Britton & Samantha Gianotti [email protected]

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