HOLYYYYYYYHOTTTTTTTCHEETOSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
(a.k.a: a wonderfully super short silly poignant mashup reality musical tv show)
By: José Casas
A Micro Commission by The Kennedy Center for The Play At Home Series 2020
© 2020
1 CHARACTERS
Emory / Contestant 1: Poor kid from the “other side of the tracks” [whatever that means]. Caring and compassionate kid with a big heart.
Favorite chef: Mom.
Mackenzie / Contestant 2: Rich kid with a chip on shoulder. Determined to be successful for accomplishments, not parent’s wealth.
Favorite chef: Gordon Ramsay
Taylor / Contestant 3: Lost kid trying to find meaning. Searching for answers and identity in this crazy world. Stands out with neon green hair.
Favorite chef: Rachel Ray
Chef Sydney / Judge 1: Snarky with a bad fake Australian accent, an awesome chef.
Specialty: Asian Latino Fusion Comfort Food
Chef Reese / Judge 2: Very appreciative of success, also an awesome chef.
Specialty: Anything pastry, especially donuts.
Chef Jayden / Judge 3: Insecure and paranoid, but like the other judges, an awesome chef.
Specialty: Vegan cuisine, allergic to and disgusted by beef jerky (imagined, not real)
Cameron: Fantastically fabulous host of America’s Next Great Junior Chef
*All roles can be cast anyway they want to be. Ethnicity and gender [anything really] does not matter.
SETTING
The play takes place on the set of America’s Next Great Junior Chef and broadcast to millions of tv viewers around the world. There is also a studio audience who is not seen, but is acknowledged through canned/lame recorded laughs, oohs/aahs, and clapping.
TIME
The Present. Technically, 8:00pm Eastern Standard Time on Sunday when the show airs on the Food Channel.
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“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” -George Bernard Shaw
“Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.” -Harriet van Horne
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The hope is that youth, parents, and families enjoy reading this short fun, and hopefully joyful play.
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If the spirit calls upon you, you are encouraged to perform it. The songs are acapella and the karaoke versions that you can easily find online (i.e. YouTube).
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If you choose to do so, be silly and have fun. In fact, if you perform this play, try actually creating the cooking competition meals in your home. If so, feel free to change the script ingredients to accommodate the different foods in the secret surprise basket you would want to make. Hey, performing a play and cooking a delicious meal sounds pretty good.
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Always allow your imagination the permission to explore and play!!!
4 (It is dark and silent for a moment. After that moment, the instrumental/karaoke version of the song, “One’, from the musical, CHORUS LINE, begins playing softly. It’s an almost eerie sound. After a few moments, lights up on EMORY/ contestant 1; beat. Lights up on MACKENZIE/contestant 2; beat. Lights up on TAYLOR/contestant 3. They are wearing their special chef coats. After a few moments, when the song gets to the beginning lyrics section, the contestants begin singing.)
Emory, Mackenzie & Taylor ONE!!! SIMPLE LITTLE STORY WHERE EVERY LITTLE KID GETS TO BAKE!
ONE!!! WINNER TO BE CHOSEN NO ONE LIKES SECOND PLACE!
ONE MISTAKE AND SUDDENLY EVEYONE KNOWS YOU’RE THROUGH.
YOU KNOW YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH YOU, JUST YOU.
ONE MOMENT IN THEIR PRESSENCE THOSE ONES PUTTING YOU TO THE TEST.
CUZ THIS COOKING SHOW IS SECOND BEST TO NONE, SON.
OOH! AAH! GIVE THEM YOUR ATTENTION
DO I REALLY HAVE TO MENTION
I’M THE ONE!!!
(The music suddenly stops!)
5 Emory, Mackenzie & Taylor ONE!!!!!!!
Taylor One!!!
Mackenzie One!!
Emory One!
(extended beat)
(The lights go up on the rest of the space and we see CAMERON, the host of America’s Next Great Junior Chef. This space is a combination of typical tv exaggeration mixed in with moments of true reflection.)
(We see the judges: CHEF SYDNEY/judge 1, CHEF REESE/judge 2, and CHEF JAYDEN/judge 3. Now, we can also see the kitchen area. There is cooking spaces for each competitor and in front of each competitor is the super secret basket that contains the ingredients for the competition.)
Cameron (tv show cheesiness style) Only one competitor will win the illustrious title of America’s Next Great Junior Chef and the cash award of $50,000! After hundreds of rounds, only three chefs remain, determined to put perfection on the plate! First, we welcome Chef Emory.
Emory (lovingly) I’m 12 years old and in seventh grade and I live in the middle of nowhere, Michigan. I live with my mom who is my best friend and best cook in the world. With me being the only child and with my mom working all the time, I have definitely matured more than my peers. If I win the championship, I plan to give the money to my mother because (with a heart gesture) I love her and she loves me.
(Recorded audience “aahs” can be heard.)
Cameron Next up, Chef Mackenzie.
Mackenzie (with attitude) I’m 11 years old and in sixth grade and I live in Beverly Hills, California. My food is going to shine in the spotlight just like me. I’ve been cooking since the age of four. Self- taught by myself and with no help from our family cook, Esperanza. If I win the money, I definitely plan on spending it irresponsibly. This competition is mine because I’ve got winning down to a science!
6 Cameron Finally, we have Chef Taylor.
Taylor (pensive) I’m 12 years old and in the seventh grade. Uhm, I guess, for the moment, my name is Taylor. I am from the Sedona, Arizona, the crystal vortex new age capital of the world. Like, I believe I have a chance to win if the planets align in my favor. However, the money is what it is. I am more interested in the process and communal bonding of this moment.
(Taylor slightly bows, pressing hands together, palms touching and fingers pointing upwards, thumbs close to the chest.)
Taylor Namaste.
Cameron Now, the judges. (annoyed) Chef Sydney.
Chef Sydney (conceited) That is correct and don’t you forget that.
Cameron (appreciative) We have Chef Reese.
Chef Reese (just as appreciative) Hey there, Boo. Love you.
Cameron (like a teenager in love) Love you more.
(Everyone looks at the pair with suspicious eyes and gestures. Yep…there is something going on between these two. They can’t “hide” it.)
Cameron Finally, we present to you Chef Jayden.
Chef Jayden (wiping down the judge’s table) Disgusting. Social distancing, people. Gross. When was the last time anyone cleaned up around this place. Excuse me, (pounding table) I’m talking here!
(Cameron ignores Chef Jayden’s whining; to the contestants.)
Cameron You know the deal. Your super secret surprise baskets stand in front of you. Your ingredients are…
7 (The chefs open up their super secret surprise basket as cheesy game show music plays in the background.)
Cameron Canned spaghetti rings.
(The chefs pull out the canned spaghetti rings. They all seemed pleased; basically, generic Chef Boyardee stuff.)
Cameron Sea beans.
(The chefs pull out the sea beans. They don’t look very excited about this ingredient. It’s a “not a big deal” reaction.)
Cameron Mozzarella sticks.
(The chefs pull out the mozzarella sticks.)
Cameron And, finally…beef jerky.
(The chefs pull out the beef jerky. Chef Jayden, overdramatically, starts to gag/dry heave because the chef is allergic to beef jerky. The contestants notice and laugh/ad-lib funny responses which, in turn, makes the other judges and Cameron laugh; beat. Cheesy game show music stops.)
Cameron (to contestants) You have 30 minutes. Your time begins…NOW!
(The contestants scurry around the kitchen like roaches when the lights are turned on. They go this way, they go that way, they almost run into each other. It’s a crazy frenetic scene. One by one, they manage to find the extra ingredients they want. They begin grilling, baking, boiling, cutting, mixing, plating, etc.)
Cameron (to judges) Once you’ve gotten past kindergarten, the idea of pasta in a can is just wrong.
Chef Jayden Wrong, disgusting, and even more disgusting.
Chef Sydney What do you do with that?
8 Taylor (to audience) My aura is telling me butter and for my salt component, I’ll add the sea beans and, voila, complete it with the truffle oil.
Cameron Never forget that the clock is ticking, young culinary artists!
Emory (to tv audience) Some dark chocolate. Some tomato sauce. Time to make some molé…OLÉ!!!
Chef Reese These young chefs are SO inspirational! SO creative! SO…SO…SO childlike. They make me happy. They make me want to go back to my childhood to remind myself of why I fell in love with cooking in the first place.
(Recorded studio “aahs” can be heard from the audience.)
Mackenzie (to audience) I want to create that crispy refreshing bite that nobody can forget.
Cameron (to judges) And, what do you make of the beef jerky ingredient?
Chef Sydney Chef Reese Freaking Awesome!!! OMG, best thing ever!!!
Chef Reese & Chef Sydney (super excited) Who doesn’t like beef jerky!?
Chef Jayden (hand raised) Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me!!!
(Recorded audience “what the heck” sounds can be heard. Everyone in the studio stops what they are doing; not understanding how anyone could not like beef jerky.)
Chef Jayden (melodramatic as usual) Sodium and fat and everything that is wrong with America! If I had known this would be an ingredient on today’s show, I…I…I…(transition into sad melodramatic moment; to Chef Reese) You may want to go back to your childhood, honey doll, but not this cowpoke. I’m from Nebraska. (comically dejected) Nebraska. Ugh, Nebraska. What recipe doesn’t have beef jerky in it? (beat) That is why I decided to run away and never look back.
Caneron (weirded out) Uhm…okay.
(Cameron notices the time on the clock.)
9 Cameron (to contestants) Chefs, you have 15 minutes remaining!
Emory, Reese & Taylor (panicking) SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!!!
(The contestants get even more frantic; running around trying to complete their dishes. As they cook, they begin singing, acapella, a parody of the song ‘Who Am I?’ from the musical, CHORUS LINE.)
Emory, Reese & Taylor WHO ARE WE ANYWAY KID CHEFS HERE ON DISPLAY
Emory WE SEE SOME PICTURES OF SOME KIDS WE USED TO KNOW
Mackenzie WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US WHY THEY MAKING ALL THIS FUSS
Taylor SO MANY JUDGES ALL AROUND AND HERE WE GO
Emory, Reese & Taylor I NEED THIS CROWN OH, GOD I NEED THIS CROWN.
Mackenzie (to self; supremely confident) It’s all good. You got this, Mackenzie. Recognize!
Taylor (to self; clam, but a little nervous) Relax, Taylor. Remind yourself that time is merely a social construct.
Emory (to self; deep in thought) Why is there never enough time? Why does it always feel that time, the most precious gift there is…is always one step ahead of-
Chef Jayden (rudely interrupting) -you know we can hear you.
Emory (shooting back attitude) Mind your business, jerky boy!!!
10 Cameron The musical theatre lover in me feels a song-
Everyone except Cameron & Emory -a solo-
Cameron -coming on.
(Suddenly, time stops. People freeze; beat. The instrumental/karaoke version of ‘At The Ballet’ from the musical, CHORUS LINE, begins playing.)
Emory (singing) MOMMY ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD COOK SOME GREAT THINGS THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
WHEN SHE PROPOSED A CAREER AS A SOUS-CHEF SHE WAS INFORMED IT WOULD PROBABLY BE HER VERY LAST CHANCE.
AND BECAUSE SHE WAS 32 A SINGLE MOM AT 32 A SINGLE MOM AT 32 SHE WALKED AWAY.
LIFE WITH MY MOM WASN’T EVER A QUICK FIX MORE LIKE “WE MADE IT THIS FAR” WHEN I WAS FIVE I REMEMBER MY MOTHER SERVING LUNCH AT A DIVE BAR.
I KNEW SHE WANTED MUCH BETTER BUT IT WASN’T SOMETHING SHE’D WANT TO DISCUSS THE WORLD WASN’T WARM WELL, NOT FOR HER WELL, NOT FOR US.
BUT EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL IN THE KITCHEN MAKING MEALS THAT BRING PEOPLE DELIGHT YES, EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL IN THE KITCHEN HEY!
I WAS HAPPY…IN THE KITCHEN.
11 (Emory stops singing, but the music quietly fades to silence; beat. Everyone unfreezes, busy in what they are doing. Emory looks around, but no one notices. There is a sad joy in her eyes, watching the surroundings; thinking of mom. A tear streams down Emory’s cheek. Emory catches it; places it in a pocket. The music slowly fades to silence.)
(extended beat)
Cameron (loudly shouting) Chefs…you have one minute remaining!!!!!!!
(The contestants scramble to finish and plate their dishes. The judges are agitated watching.)
Chef Sydney Chef Reese Chef Jayden Plate the food!!! Don’t forget an ingredient!!! Tick tock. Tick tock!!
Cameron We cannot turn back the sands of time!!!
Chef Sydney Chef Reese Chef Jayden Stop the madness!!! You got this!!! Hurry up, I’m hungry!!!
Cameron 10-9-8-7-6-5-
Chef Sydney, Chef Reese & Chef Jayden -(speaking in slow motion) time is almost-
Cameron -4-3-2-1!!!
(The contestants barely finish plating, but they all do so successfully.)
Cameron HOLYYYYYYYHOTTTTTTTCHEETOSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
(The recorded sounds of the audience clapping and cheers can be heard.)
(extended beat)
Cameron (cheesy tv talk show host) Boy, that was a close one, Batman! (to contestants) How do you all feel?
Mackenzie Like $50,000, homeboy.
12 Taylor Emotionally and spiritually drained, yet oddly fulfilled.
Emory (sadly) Missing my mother.
Cameron (condescending) Okay, on that happy note, it’s time to present to the judges.
(Emory and Taylor take Mackenzie’s plates to the judges. The judges begin eating. Note: throughout the eating of the dishes, Chef Jayden, over over over exaggerates when he has to eat the beef jerky component because of his “alleged” allergy to all beef jerky.)
Mackenzie I made for you a crest water beef jerky steak and a salad with sweet tomato dressing.
Chef Sydney What did you put in the dressing?
Mackenzie Attitude, plus the thick sauce from that spaghetti thing.
Chef Reese I enjoyed the little bit of kick you added, but-
Mackenzie -don’t say it. Never say but. But, is never a good thing.
Chef Reese But, it could’ve used a little more of this and a little less of that.
Mackenzie (angry at self) I knew I should’ve used a little more of this and a little less of that. I’m an idiot!
Chef Reese Overall, very good.
(A look of dejection appears on Mackenzie’s face. He doesn’t believe Chef Reese)
Cameron Next…we have Chef Taylor.
(Emory and Mackenzie take Taylor’s plate to the judges. The judges begin eating.)
13 Taylor Today, for you, I’ve made a grilled beef jerky steak, a canned spaghetti ring sauce, mozzarella stick croutons, plus sea bean and kale salad.
Chef Reese The beef jerky stake was a really good effort. Effort with a capital “E”. Unfortunately, it was a tad bit undercooked and underutilized.
Chef Jayden (responding/contradicting) Who the heck cares? (to Taylor) The sea bean and kale salad was good, no…it was amazing with a capital “A”.
Taylor (at peace) Thank you, chefs. The yin and yang of your critiques are very much appreciated. I will carry them with me forever.
(Mackenzie and Taylor take Emory’s plate to the judges. The judges begin eating.)
Emory I present before you a beef jerky taco with a molé sauce which is based off of my mom’s recipe.
Chef Reese I am at a loss for words. Like you, I learned to cook from my mother. Sitting there and watching her cook. That’s where the best learning comes from. I commend you for being brave enough to cook this dish. To cook a molé at your age is incredible. I didn’t even know what molé was at that age. These flavors are to die for.
Emory Thank you.
Chef Sydney (fidgeting) Uhm, well, how can I say this, not the biggest fan. Sorry. Those previously mentioned flavors are completely overwhelming, like a five-alarm fire. They practically cleared my sinuses.
Chef Reese (to Chef Sydney) You lightweight.
Chef Sydney (to Chef Reese) Whatever, Princess. (to Emory) But, considering the complexity of the dish, you should be proud.
Emory (hopeful) As long as my mom is proud.
14 Cameron (with intensity) Judges, it’s time for deliberations. Time decide the fates of these young chefs, possibly, changing the course of their futures in front of millions of audience viewers.
Emory, Mackenzie & Taylor (surprised) What the-
Cameron -the moment in their lives that will determine their destinies.
Emory, Mackenzie & Taylor (suddenly nervous and unsure) Our destinies?
(The judges, begin to deliberate. Cameron makes a phone call. We can see them doing this, but there is no sound coming from their mouths.)
Emory What if I end up following in my mother’s footsteps; the pain, the sorrow, the regrets.
Taylor An existential crises taking place within me.
Mackenzie This isn’t right. I always win…always.
Taylor Is my life truly contingent on the decisions made during an exploitive reality tv show?
Mackenzie I want to earn my way in this world, not inherit it.
Emory I want to be the chef that my mother wanted to be.
Emory, Mackenzie & Taylor (to audience) Almost time for the show to end. A time to share our most inter most thoughts.
Mackenzie Musicals have to end with a song-
Taylor -and, be tied up in a “pretty bow” ending.
Emory Right?
15 (The judges and Cameron unfreeze. The instrumental/karaoke version of ‘I Hope I Get It’ from the musical, CHORUS LINE, begins playing. If you know this song, you know it is a jazzy high- energy song. Emory, Mackenzie, and Taylor pull out top hats from their work stations.)
Cameron & The Judges A-5-6-7-8!!!!!!!
(Emory, Mackenzie, and Taylor begin their dance routine. They are bodies in motion, covering the space with excitement and life.)
Emory, Mackenzie & Taylor GOD, I HOPE I GET IT I HOPE I GET IT HOW MANY MOMENTS DO THEY NEED!?
GOD, I HOPE I GET IT I HOPE I GET IT HOW MANY TWISTS HOW MANY TURNS!?
LOOK AT ALL THE JUDGES AT ALL THE JUDGES
HOW MANY CHANCES DO WE NEED HOW MANY MINUTES HOW MANY SECONDS DO THEY NEED!?
Taylor I REALLY NEED THIS WIN
Mackenzie PLEASE GOD I NEED THIS WIN
Emory I’VE GOT TO GET THIS WIN!!!
(The music suddenly stops and the contestants stop dancing and singing. They toss their top hats to the side. There is an uneasy and palpable tension in the air but, for the first time, a sense of camaraderie. Emory, Mackenzie, and Taylor hold hands in unison.)
(extended beat)
(extended beat)
16 Cameron (really serious) And, now it’s time for the judges’ decision. (to judges) Judges.
Chef Sydney Chef Taylor…we appreciate how you considerately combined the ingredients to form a certain harmony, but you missed a truly cohesive dish by a single note. I am sorry. You will not be America’s Next Great Junior Chef.
Taylor (surprised by the feelings inside) I don’t understand. Is this strange feeling inside of me competitiveness? (distraught) I don’t like it.
Chef Jayden Chef Mackenzie…as much as we admired your hell brand, take-no-prisoner, style of cooking, we felt your aggressive style was your downfall. You need to cook to please yourself, not to prove yourself to other people. I am sorry. You will not be America’s Next Great Junior Chef.
Mackenzie I don’t understand. I’ve never NOT won. This was supposed to be my shining star moment. (distraught) Winning is who I am.
Cameron That means that-
Chef Reese -Chef Emory, you are officially-
Chef Jayden, Chef Reese & Chef Sydney -America’s Next Great Junior Chef!!!
(The recorded sounds of the audience clapping wildly and cheering can be heard. Confetti falls from the raptors. Cameron claps. The judges clap. Mackenzie and Taylor clap. Emory is happy, but reflective.)
Emory (to Taylor) You are talented. You are unique. You are undefinable. That’s what makes you, Taylor.
(Taylor hugs Emory.)
Emory (to Mackenzie) Never stop striving to be the best. You are bad-ass. We need more of that in this world.
(Mackenzie and Emory share a secret and very cool handshake.)
17 (The scene continues but, once again, is silent, except for Emory; lights go dark, except for a spotlight on Emory. Quietly and softly, the reprise of the instrumental/karaoke version of the song ‘One’ from the musical, CHORUS LINE, begins playing. Emory stands in the spotlight; a mixture of emotions, thoughts of the past, present and future intersecting. It is as she can hear the music inside her head. After a few moments, the music fades into silence.)
(extended beat)
Emory (heartfelt and lovingly) I won, mom…I won.
(lights fade to black)
(end of play)
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