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80JUNE

Palace coup 2006 at Werksmans

The man who shot the dog who ate the chicken Wild Bill Venter falls for schlenter Food and crime 2 noseweek May 2006 SUBSCRIBE to noseweek and SAVE R68 on the shop price: see PAGE 29 JUNE2006 ISSUE80 Don’t June me skeef – we’re almost halfway through year already and

Illustration: DR JACK I still haven’t Palace coup at 8 Werksmans got your ad!

4 Letters Lester’s Sleepy Hollow n Back on top with Black Top n Beemer me up! n Springbok colours for noseweek n Eek! The Grahamstonians are coming!

5 Dear Reader Home truths n Voters don’t want shit in their water

6 Mr Nose In Memorium: Stella Sigcau n Hlophe, faith and charity

12 Flight to nowhere South Africa appears to have been party to the illegal abduction of a Pakistani national KEN FORRESTER WINES 16 Head to head at Sasol Recruitment consultants are scrabbling over the hefty commission for recruiting an executive at the petrochemical giant

19 The man who shot the dog who ate the chicken Passion, death and revenge in Sandbaai

22 Venter renter schlenter The Great Dr Bill is not expected to be pleased Contact when the world discovers that his son-in-law gulled him Adrienne de Jongh 23 Minister sinks port plan Mfeketo was all at sea [email protected]

24 A load of Bush Never misunderestimate the president

25 Law of the B®and Absolut madness

26 Food and crime Why should a link between diet and behaviour be Advertise suirprising? 28 Web dreams We’re all doomed, doomed NOW! 30 NoseArk Greenie, green thyself!

32 Wine The grapes of wrath in noseweek

34 Last Word Squirrel cage

SUBSCRIBE to noseweek and SAVEnoseweek R68 May 2006 on the shop price: see PAGE3 29 Letters

Lester’s Sleepy Hollow year to almost R13,000. taking photos on their pocket when I enter my bank’s As a property owner in And then there are the cellphone cameras! security doors. “sleepy Kenton-on-Sea” council’s attempts to address Late on 13 April Black Top I have cancelled all my I read with interest your the annual water shortage phoned to say they would pay insurance policies and set up latest report (nose79) on the by commissioning a scheme me and remove my company, a trust instead, as the revolt Mathew Lester house saga. to draw water from the SignMax, from their vendor list! in me grows each time I hear Bushman’s River. The council of yet another person suckered The claim by the Ndlambe I was happy about the gave the contract to a local BEE out of his hard-earned money. Council’s Angus Schlemmer payment but sad at being company that collapsed. We live in an ANC-based that the original building dropped – I always delivered An investigation of the community. The businesses on Lester’s property “is an a good quality product on time. Ndlambe Municipality could On 18 April I was paid – a in town owned by politicians outbuilding and as such is reveal a much juicier saga are no secret; the partiality permitted” is both inaccurate cheque went into my account. than Mathew’s Monstrosity as There is something I’ve to certain groups when it and outrageous. This so-called it is known to many locals. never understood in the comes to tenders is well “outbuilding” was the home of T Murray 20 years I’ve been an known. There are hundreds Lester’s parents for a decade Kenton-on-sea entrepreneur: Why do some of municipal mismanagement or two and it became his home. people not see paying as a cases waiting to be uncovered. And one of the prof’s latest Back on top with Black Top natural follow-up to buying? And yet, the President claims, tricks has been to attempt Thanks for your piece about “I’m watching you, corrupt to subdivide his property Black Top Surfaces (nose79). Theo Vermaak councillors”. Is it a question of (against council regulations), On 12 April 2006 I hitched Witbank “I like corruption – I can watch it for hours”? Bribery is so common that a friend in the mining-supply industry gets a monthly budget for bribing. Wait, I hear a stampede … oh, it’s the Sewende Laan/Huisgenoot club lynching non-believers. Please presumably so he can sell off my banner trailer and Beemer me up withhold my name as they the half with the so-called travelled the 100km from Thanks for running the story know where I live. outbuilding as a separate Witbank to Benoni on business of my problems with my BMW Harry Kalahari home. and my last stop was at Black (nose79). Springbok The main culprit is the Top Surfaces, Benoni – 10 The response has been Ndlambe Council (which, so I minutes before their staff amazing – BMW SA and Jhb The Grahamstonians are coming! “was informed at a ratepayers’ knocks off! I parked in front of Cuty Auto and” Motorite have In recent months I’ve noticed meeting in December, is some their gate and soon there was agreed to either have the car a very marked increase R50-million in the red). My a lot of movement. fixed at their cost and to pay in the number of CF (ie rates have, in just two years, Some staff gave me the the costs I’ve incurred over the Grahamstown) registered with the help of a revaluation thumbs up, others seemed past 16 months, or to scrap the vehicles in and around the and then an unexplained hike, not happy and management car and sort out the outstand- Western Cape, far more than gone from just under R4,000 a popped out of their offices ing debt and past costs. one would expect. I’m guessing Thanks to Litha and Peter there must be an economic at JCA and Aaron at BMW reason for it, eg insurance Gus SA, who weren’t aware of the scam, licence fees etc. I asked scale of the problem and are a driver of one such vehicle now satisfied that my inten- about it and he just smiled ... tion is not to defraud anyone. Could one of your sleuths Thanks to noseweek’s Jack check it out? Lundin for achieving in a few Ray Botha days what I couldn’t get done Newlands, Cape Town in 16 months. The entire noseweek office was The only player who hasn’t sunk into deep depression at come to the party (no surprise) the prospect of an invasion is Aston Auto, who continue of Cape Town by scamming ducking and diving. I have Grahamstown hicks. Then received permission to hold a a distant memory slowly picket outside their showroom. surfaced: Many, many years Julian Rod ago when the Eastern and Johannesburg Western Cape provinces went their separate ways, the Bok colours for noseweek former adopted an entirely Only one of Springbok’s six new vehicle registration shops sells noseweek – buried system. The CF prefix became under subversive trash like obsolete in the Easteren Cape Huisgenoot and Die Son. and now indicates parts of I love the way you expose Greater Cape Town, among the constant bullying of the them Kuils River. Keep up middle class by the banks. the sterling work with those BARBARIAN DREAMS I feel the money leaving my conspiracy theories! – Ed

4 noseweek May 2006 Dear Reader

Tel: (021) 686 0570 Fax: (021) 686 0573 nosew- [email protected] www. Home truths Editor Martin Welz HE CURRENT SCANDAL surround- our government repeatedly declares its com- Managing editor ing the Department of Home Affairs mitment to the rule of law. If it were true, we Marten du Plessis Tbrings to mind a joke that was doing would be deserving of the world’s respect. the rounds on the internet three years ago. But, back at the ranch, it seems, It’s worth repeating: we have a bunch of hoodlums in our Production editor “US Attorney General John Ashcroft was government and public service who have Tony Pinchuck speaking at an elementary school about no respect for our Constitution or the law. rights and freedoms in America. ‘Any In fact, when it comes to our dealings Gauteng bureau questions,’ he asked. A little boy raised his with the outside world, they are anyone’s Jack Lundin hand. ‘My name is Billy, and I have two handlanger for 10 cents. In short, we have questions. First, why are you using the no self-respect. Consulting editor Patriot Act to limit Americans’ civil liber- The connivance of our government and Ann Donald ties? Second, why haven’t any weapons senior officials in the abduction from of mass destruction been found in Iraq?’ South Africa of Khalid Rashid by foreign Censor-in-chief Just then the bell rang, and Ashcroft intelligence agents (see page 12) is a case Len Ashton stated, ‘We’ll resume after recess.’ Recess in point. ended and Ashcroft again asked, ‘Are there What they did was not only illegal and Reporter any questions? A little girl raised her wrong, it was stupid – the sort of action Jacqui Kadey hand. ‘My name is Julie, and I have four that invites reprisals. All they need have questions. First, why are you using the done was apply the law. Cartoons Patriot Act to limit Americans’ civil liber- As the public figures most centrally Gus Ferguson ties? Second, why haven’t any weapons involved, Minister of Home Affairs Myke Ashley-Cooper of mass destruction been found in Iraq? Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula and her three Third, why did the recess bell ring 10 min- most senor officials, owe it to the country Contributors utes early? Fourth, where’s Billy?’” to resign without delay. Having observed Melany Bendix Funny – but no joke. the level of their dishonesty in this case, Marion Edmunds South Africa is a proud constitutional are we surprised at the seemingly all-per- Tim James democracy – one of the best there is – and vasive corruption in their department? George Monbiot Hans Muhlberg Greg Palast Marike Roth Like water for gravy Lin Sampson Andreas Stelzer EADERS WILL RECALL that there were When DA councillor Barry Chamberlain Harold Strachan several deaths in Delmas last year as complained to the press, the coun- R a result of a typhoid outbreak in the cil appointed a disciplinary commit- mealie capital of Mpumalanga. The town tee to investigate charges against Mr Subscriptions is dependent for its drinking water on Chamberlain for breaching the council’s Maud Petersen various boreholes, while the town’s sewage code of conduct.

system is the tried-and-tested long-drop- Fortunately for him, Mpumalanga MEC Advertising and-bucket system. Deep underground the for local government and housing, Jabu Adrienne de Jongh latter has seeped into the former. Mahlangu, intervened with a general ban The obvious solution: Buy clean water on the purchase of new mayoral vehicles Subscription rates Print: SA only R220 for 10 from Rand Water – but that would require in the province: A timely reminder that issues. Neighbouring states a capital outlay of R70m, which the town voters don’t generally vote for shit in their (airmail) R355; Overseas (airmail) can’t raise. drinking water and arseholes in govern- Europe, Americas and Australasia: The provincial government was sympa- ment. R375 (for 10 issues). Online: thetic – but only sympathetic enough to PS: Mayor Jack Rapatsa, a wealthy R250 for 10 issues (visit www. contribute R2.5m to the town’s water fund. local contractor, has since apologised to noseweek.co.za). Just how the newly elected ANC Chamberlain and withdrawn the charges council intended spending most of the against him. To subscribe by post R2.5m emerges from the “Independent Send cheque with name, Development Programme”, a draft bud- address and phone no. to: get, it tabled in March: New mayoral Discovery noseweek, PO Box 44538, BMW with extras – R800,000 (the exist- Claremont 7735. ing Mercedes is still in great shape, but E NOTE that Discovery are aggres-

To subscribe via Internet and what the hell); increase mayor’s salary Wsively marketing their new credit pay by credit card go to (from R162,000 to R600,000) – R438,000; card and wish them well … except we www.noseweek.co.za increase mayor’s two deputies’ sala- can’t help questioning their financial ries (from R130,000 to R456,000) x 2 judgment when they offer their card cli- Copyright All material in this issue – R652,000. Total for increased perks for ents SAA Voyager miles as an incentive. is copyright, and belongs to Chaucer council top dogs: R1,900,000. The Editor Publications (Pty) Ltd, unless otherwise indicated. No part of the material may be quoted, photocopied, reproduced or be noseweek May 2006 5 stored by any electronic system without prior written permission. Mr Nose puts it about

HILE FORMER Public According to Mr Maponye, Works Minister In memorium even before she landed in hos- and famed Pondo pital, the ailing minister was Princess, Stella putting herself at risk in order Sigcau, was on her to help those adversely affected Wdeath bed, back at the Public by the lethargy of the regional Works Department in Cape Public Works officials. Town an unseemly scramble “Sick as she was, she person- was on for millions of rands ally visited many of the proper- worth of real estate being sold ties in Cape Town to see the state off by the national department. they were in,” he says. It appears On the last day of March Minister Sigcau’s last tour of the department had hurriedly duty was the result of numer- put out to tender the disposal ous complaints from desperate of 20 of its properties in the neighbours: the Public Works Western Cape: 11 in George erven had been so neglected that (including a number of erven many were invaded by unsavoury in prime residential areas squatters, indulging in illegal and the site of a former SADF Stella Sigcau (1937–2006) activities. The complaint of an old Woman’s Training College), lady next to the Vredehoek flats and nine valuable lots around Just after the deadline at 11 but not how much was ten- moved her in particular. So she Cape Town. The latter included o’ clock on 13 April, there was a dered. The clerks went ahead tasked Mr Maponye to get rid of prime property in Wynberg, scrum of business people in the and read out the name of all the properties urgently – hence flats in upmarket Vredehoek tender office of the Cape Town applicants. Mysteriously, in the new, swifter method of dis- and Mouille Grange in Sea Public Works building, there to one envelope they found a com- posal. Point and – hold your breath, witness their tender envelopes pletely blank tender document Mr Maponye described how doll – 13,000 square metres in being pulled out of the tender to which nobody owned up. Was the minister blasted top offi- the old village of Franschhoek. box and sorted by junior clerks. it, wonders Mr Nose, that this cials in the regional Public The department had been Under normal circumstances, document was to be filled in at Works Department for letting hoarding these precious gems, says Mr Nose’s informant, the a later stage, once all other ten- their land lie neglected.“The each offering a rare opportunity name of each applicant and the ders had been scrutinised? state was being impoverished,” for development and lucrative price tendered would be called The documents were then he said. “People’s lives were at resale, in its portfolio for years. out in acknowledgement of bundled into large public works risk.” This, in his mind, justi- Surprisingly little time was receipt of the tender, before the envelopes and dispatched to fied limiting the tender period allowed for the delivery of ten- whole bundle would go off for Pretoria, reaching the desk of to a fortnight. He said there ders: only a fortnight from the adjudication by the tender board. the late minister’s special advi- was no budget to advertise the posting of the advertisement in As the clerks were starting sor, Mr Phatudi Maponye of properties in newspapers for the Government Gazette, with this procedure, an anxious Maponye Inc. the general public. the deadline for applications 13 official rushed in, shouting: We know that Stella was Mr Maponye, who suspects April. Even more surprising to “Stop! Stop!” He explained seriously ill at the time and has that Mr Nose has been chatting Mr Nose was that he had never breathlessly that the Minister subsequently passed away. Was to some loose-tongued Public seen any advertisements for the of Public Works was on the line she really issuing instructions Works officials in the Cape, does valuable land in the local press. from Pretoria and had instruct- on tenders from her hospital not hide his contempt for the civil The conditions of the tender ed them to put all the tenders bed? servants who were meant to look were unique. For every appli- into envelopes and send them According to Mr Maponye, after the properties in the first cation for property, the appli- up to Pretoria for adjudica- yes, she was; although he place, nor his amazement at the cant was required to provide tion instead. There was uproar was acting in her name when length of time it takes the depart- a R100,000 bank guaranteed among the businessmen, and he ordered all the tenders to ment to get anything done. All he cheque, a valid tax clearance the official rushed out again. be delivered to Pretoria. He was doing was cutting through certificate for tender purposes The official rushed back in believed it to be too expensive the inertia to get results. and proof of the applicant’s and said that as a concession, to fly the four members of the “I have a private sector men- ability to complete the financial the minister would allow the tender board, including himself, tality,” he says. transaction. Quite something to clerks to read out who had down to Cape Town for the During the course of the three get together in two weeks. tendered for each piece of land, evaluation. weeks after the deadline, Mr

6 noseweek June 2006 6 noseweek March 2006 Hlophe, faith and charity

AWYERS ARE NOT TOTALLY guess is that Mr Nose – call 19 April 2005, Wille writes to mean. There are two him twinkle fingers – has complain that this date does things they will happily learned to surf the web. On not suit his new counsel. He share with you for free: the Smith Tabata Fakir & wants another postponement. Skinner and scandal. Koekemoer website, we find “The writer will again prevail Maponye kindly checked on LOccasionally they will also the truth: The scheme was upon the Judge President in documents relating to indi- share a drink. So it is that only launched in 2003, when order to try and find an expe- vidual tenders that lay on his some years back Mr Nose first the firm’s “very first bur- dited trial date that would desk. While some applicants learned of the close friendship sary student” was … Enrino be suitable to all parties,” he were awarded land, other ten- between Derek Wille, a senior Kaptein. Thuthuka Hlophe is suggests. [Our guess is: NO ders were scratched because partner of attorneys Smith nowhere to be seen. trial date would suit his cli- Tabata Buchanan Boyes Van Clearly the boys are nerv- ent.] Adams will have none he said that the applications der Merwe Finkelstein & ous about something. So let’s of it. He’s going to court on did not meet the criteria. They Fakir and the Cape’s fibbing have a closer look at one 23 May. Wille brings a court now have to be re-advertised, Judge President John Hlophe: of Wille’s visits to the JP’s application for a postpone- meaning, ironically, further How they are old varsity chambers. It’s May 2005. ment which doesn’t quite tell delays. But those from Cape mates and how Derek had Nic Adams, sole beneficiary the whole truth and nothing Town and George who lost out persuaded his firm to fund of his aunt’s will trust, has but. Adams replies pointing are deeply dismayed by what Hlophe’s son’s fleeting univer- been battling for close on 10 out some of the more glar- they perceive as irregularities. sity career. years to get Standard Trust ing omissions in Wille’s story Meanwhile Public Works This offered a plausible to account for their shabby – and that his life and his has instigated an internal explanation for the ease with administration of the trust money are running out. On inquiry into what has become which friend Derek gains access – without success. Since 2003 the merits Wille should lose a very messy process. Further, to the JP’s chambers to ask for he’s been battling to get a the application, or at least favours. So I’m interested. court application to compel pay costs. But the applica- some of those businessmen When all the latest fuss them to do so before the Cape tion doesn’t get to court. Just who were alerted to having breaks out, Andy McPherson High Court, also without suc- days before the hearing date, won their tenders, are now of attorneys Smith Tabata cess. First set down for hear- Adams’ counsel is summoned having their money returned et al declares to a Nose min- ing in the Cape High Court to Judge Hlope’s chambers to to them. A deputy director ion: “There has been a lot of in August 2003, Standard be told that he has discussed in the Cape Regional Public misinformation around this. Trust’s attorney, Mr Wille, the matter with Mr Wille Works office said the tender Judge Hlophe’s son was part has sought one postponement – and is “disposed” to grant- has not been resolved and that of our bursary scheme in after the other. In 2004 he ing him a postponement. she was directing all queries 2002. We run a substantial undertakes to get a date that Adams’ counsel gets the to the minister’s office because programme for previously dis- suits everyone, but doesn’t. message: agree to a postpone- it had all been dealt with by advantaged students.” After leaving messages for ment out of court or risk my them. McPherson said that Wille to call over a three-month wrath – and costs. He per- the bursary scheme pre- period, eventually Adams’ suades his client to agree to Some of Mr Nose’s less kind dated 2002, the year in which attorneys apply for a new trial a postponement. The aborted friends may well say it’s a fit- Hlophe junior scooped the date and, on 25 August 2004, application, including attend- ting end to Ms Sigcau’s career in award. “There is no hidden advise Wille that the new date ances on Judge Hlophe, costs property, but Mr Nose couldn’t agenda. It’s a big programme.” is now 23 May 2005. Adams R25,000. The case still possibly comment on that. Fivaz AD (183x62) (Converte.fh8 13/12/04What 1:23 PMMcPherson Page 1 didn’t Eight months later, on hasn’t got to court.

C M Y CM MY CY CMY K

Composite 7 noseweek June 2006 7 COVER STORY A spot of restructuring at Werksmans

(to Read Hope Picture: Sunday Times Phillips), Angela Simpson (to Webber Wentzel ET TU BRUTES! Bowens), Derrick Kaufmann Carl Stein (left and (to Nucleus Corporate Finance), and right), went from Renee Johannes (wife of Gang of Five member Gerhard soaring legal eagle Johannes), destination unknown. No clients have jumped ship, to lame duck, before although several have expressed their disquiet to individual partners at the traumatic goings-on. winging it over to Today, surviving partners sit uneas- ily at their custom-made cherry wood opposition with fve desks on black calfskin Vilkhahn chairs, or meet in huddled groups in one or other of the 16 silk-walled con- knives in his back ference rooms at Werksmans’ Sandton offices. The Gang of Five has issued a grim message to all of them: Fifo (fit in or fuck off). NSIDER TALK has it that one a group of younger partners within the “They’ve bludgeoned people into a of Johannesburg’s oldest and most commercial department, led by Gareth state of fear, so they just sit there and prominent law firms, Werksmans, Driver and David Hertz, both still in say nothing,” says one of several senior is in crisis following a palace revo- their 30s. What was once South Africa’s insiders we have spoken to. lution by a group of Young Turks leading Jewish firm of attorneys, with Can a famous “old” firm of attorneys Iwho saw the senior partner stripped of Jewish clients such as the Krok broth- renowned for its integrity and profes- his powers and out in the wilderness. ers, Nandos, Ronnie Lubner’s PG sionalism survive

Rubbish! says the new chairman, Group and Bidvest, is now controlled a hijacking by an Picture: Sunday Times there’s nothing wrong at all; it’s just a by Afrikaners and Wasps – so much the aggressive and ruth- spot of restructuring. former that rival firms jokingly refer to lessly ambitious Werksmans, established in 1917 by Werksmans as “Verksmans”. bunch of rebels? Nathan Werksman and with a client Since 51-year-old Stein was forced Alternatively, has list that includes top corporates such as to step down as senior partner at the Werksmans emerged South African Breweries, Mittal Steel end of March last year there have been leaner, stronger and and Tokyo Sexwale’s Mvelapanda, has more than 50 departures from a staff of better than ever? lost key partners and a quartet of top 220. Of those who have gone, about 24 management since Carl Stein was top- are lawyers – seven of these partners. pled as senior partner in a vicious and And that’s not counting Stein himself unreported “day of the long knives” 15 and Charles Butler, who, as CEO, had Throwing the months ago. After a year in the cold, he partner status. The exited partners are book: Gareth Driver finally left the firm last month. Ernie Lai King (now heading Deneys cornered Stein to Power at Werksmans, say Reitz’s tax department), Lance Fleiser tell him: ‘We think insiders, is now in the hands of (to Bowman Gilfillan), Cari Versfeld you ought to step The Gang of Five, (to travel overseas), Noreen Nobin down’

8 noseweek June 2006 Picture: Sunday Times Picture: Sunday Times

Desk job: In a palace coup fulfilling clients’ demands, the 15th. Stein was confronted in his Des Williams replaced Carl in the process clocking spacious corner office by Gareth Driver, Stein as the senior partner at up enormous billing fees. who abruptly told his senior partner: Werksmans (Werksmans generates “We think you should step down.” around R180m a year in For Stein it was a bolt from the blue. fee income). “I was in a state of total shock, because This delegation policy there was no reason for me to step Read on, then consider clocked up substantial down,” he says today. “The firm had your verdict. earnings for the other com- never been more profitable; I hadn’t The facts behind Carl mercial partners. Three stolen trust money or lost a major cli- Stein’s stepping-down as years ago the Young Turks ent, or embarrassed the firm to any senior partner have until who ran these teams and significant degree. Not that I’m perfect, now remained shrouded were to become The Gang but they couldn’t give me a reason. And in secrecy and specula- of Five were each pulling to this day they still can’t.” tion. He was only the in earnings of more than The full partners’ meeting at the end fourth senior partner in R2.5m a year from their of that month was a dramatic and emo- Werksmans’ 89-year his- share of the divvied-up tional conclave, at which Stein finally tory. His father, Gerald, profits – which compares agreed to step down. He was replaced was senior partner number two for nine well with what most senior partners of as senior partner by Des Williams, the years (1983 to 1992). The dynasty that other major law firms earn today. Wasp head of the litigation department. Carl inherited was an exclusive world How a law firm’s profits pie is cut at Initially, 55-year-old Williams that he knew well: he came to the firm to do his articles at the age of 24 and had been there ever since. Stein (who provided none of the inside information about Werksmans The straight-talking Stein is that appears in this article) ran the firm with his own blend of firmness, charm and relaxed informality. (A col- a Rainmaker – a puller-in of lector of exotic birds, he would occasion- ally bring a new feathered acquisition into the office to show the secretaries new clients and business – a story that has more recently been expanded into a legend of eccentricity.) In 2002, in a 22-page supplement in the Financial Mail, published to mark the firm’s move from Parktown to its the end of each financial year depends declined to comment about Stein’s top- sumptuous new offices at 115 Fifth on the deal they’ve struck. Some oper- pling, or any of the events that have Street in Sandton, Carl Stein described ate the traditional lock-step system, followed it. Instead – suggesting a style his task at Werksmans as “the reten- based on length of service, partners’ of operation not generally regarded tion of standards, having a happy contributions to training, and so on. as admirable – noseweek was given a partnership and always ensuring that At Werksmans, however, the size of we retain the level of integrity that is annual individual payouts for its equity demanded of us.” partners is based on the amount of fees Stein’s style was to incentivise young that each bills. “Eat what you kill,” as lawyers and promote them to partner the in-house parlance goes. Tradition: This portrait of Nathan status as quickly as possible – the aver- Stein felt the “eat what you kill” Werksman, who established the law age age of the 45 partners in 2002 was emphasis had swung too far, that there firm in 1917, hangs in the boardroom just 37. should be a more equitable remunera- The straight-talking Stein is what tion system throughout the firm. He lawyers call a Rainmaker – a puller- also felt that fellow partners should in of new clients and new business. get off their butts and spend more time Typically, in a year he would bring helping him look after clients and pull in new work worth R15m to R20m to in new business. Werksmans. In March last year there was a cel- But Stein was never a “fee-hogger” ebratory mood in the air, for the firm or a “client-hogger”; he had his own had just recorded record annual profits. team in the commercial department, Certainly, as Stein shuttled to and but spread the new business he brought from Dubai on client business, he had in between all five of the commercial no suspicion that, at the pinnacle of his teams. success, a plot was being hatched to This suited the other commercial wrest control of Werksmans from him. partners. While Stein spent his time The bombshell burst on the Freedom combining his role as administrator Day public holiday of March 21 – just with that of top Rainmaker – no easy six days after what would have been feat – the teams worked 16-hour days the more appropriate Ides of March on

noseweek June 2006 9 COVER STORY

“background briefing” by two officially- Picture: Sunday Times the members of the new ruling body. sanctioned members of the firm, who Two from The Gang of Five – Hertz and requested anonymity. Stein, went their Van der Merwe – were re-elected, as briefing, had only been chairman for were Sam Gumede and Masi Mathai. four years [actually nearly five]; there Eric Levenstein from litigation was a had been differences of opinion between new member. Williams himself, and the him and the partners generally, includ- firm’s chief executive officer, Charles ing Gareth Driver; the whole firm was Butler, sat as de facto members. unhappy with his style; there had been Driver, having submitted his resig- stresses and strains; Stein was a superb nation the previous month, had with- commercial lawyer with a lot about him drawn his own nomination. that was likeable, but he could be a That month, in an attempt to ease a very difficult personality, as well. fast-deteriorating situation, Williams An inside source sheds some light on had called in “organisational coher- this unspecific, craven waffle. “One of ence” specialists Alan Brews and the key issues was Carl’s lack of visibil- Charles Nupen from strategy consult- ity and availability day to day. Simply, ants StratAlign. The consultants had he was too busy balancing his work to run separate meetings of partners as senior partner with an exception- because the brawling groups were not ally busy legal practice. Immediately speaking to each other. In its secret prior to the March 21 showdown, he – and extremely expensive – report, had been overseas on client business at StratAlign made its recommendations least six times in for a survival strategy. One of them, it six weeks.” Hanging in: Archie Aaron, Werksmans’ is believed, was to isolate Carl Stein. last remaining Jewish specialist In the 15 months since Stein stood A key issue was Stein’s view that corporate partner in the key commercial the other team leaders in the com- department down as senior partner, four key man- mercial department should do more agers have also quit. They are CEO “Rainmaking”. This was a highly Charles Butler, general manager Candy unpopular notion among the partners, Wright, HR manager Heidi Thompson since it would inevitably cut back their and chief financial officer Patrick billing hours – and those whopping emergence of several warring groups, Cooke. annual earnings. who sat at separate tables in the part- So how did Carl Stein fare in his Anyway, Stein bowed to the partners’ ners’ luncheon room, refusing to speak demoted role of Senior Commercial wishes and agreed to step down as sen- to members of rival factions. Director? This February, after 11 ior partner. He was urged to stay on as The Gang of Five emerged as the months of it, he finally decided to sub- a senior commercial partner, and given strongest. Its members, with Driver, mit his resignation. He cleared his desk the title of Senior Commercial Director. were commercial team heads Morné a month ago, at the end of April. “When (Werksmans was by then incorporated van der Merwe, Wildu du Plessis and I stood down as senior partner I gave as an “Inc”, with the senior partner Gerhard Johannes, plus David Hertz up all managerial authority,” he tells called chairman and the partners from the litigation department. Driver noseweek. “I said to myself: ‘OK, you “directors”. But, for continuity’s sake, informed fellow partners that he had guys want to run the firm, that’s fine – let’s stick to the formed a “blood bond” with Van der just leave me alone, let me be a lawyer.’ traditional terms here). Merwe, Du Plessis and Hertz. Around But even that didn’t satisfy them. They Says Stein: “My interests always the time that Stein stepped down as continued to isolate me and my team. It lay with the firm. I thought to myself: senior partner, all four of the “blood became intolerable.” ‘I’m not going to allow the firm to be brothers” were on Exco, giving the Stein’s own commercial team has destroyed through the actions of a small quartet enormous clout. always included several partners, plus group of people.’ I thought the insan- Although it is not generally known, professional assistants. At the begin- ity would evaporate over time and that Gareth Driver piled on the pressure by ning of this year, three of his team’s things would return to some form of submitting his own resignation, mak- four partners quit. One was 33-year- normality. That’s why I stood down and ing it clear that either Stein must have old Cari Versfeld, who Stein regarded didn’t resign then.” his feathers severely clipped or the firm as his most important lieutenant – “a When Stein stood down he gave up risked losing one of its top fee-earners very sweet girl and a fantastic lawyer”. all power, including his membership of – and possibly a walk-out by the rest of Versfeld’s given reason: She wanted Exco, the powerful seven-strong execu- the Young Turks. A couple of months to go overseas with her boyfriend tive committee at Werksmans. And for later Driver withdrew his offer of resig- for a year. The other two, Derrick the next 13 months the jilted leader nation and the partners – fatefully, say Kaufmann, 31, and Angela Simpson, did, or tried to do, what he loves best some – agreed that he could stay on. 34, made it clear that the reason for – practise law, heading his own com- On September 2 last year Werksmans their resignations was the dissension in mercial team of partners and profes- held a Spring Day party on its sprawl- the ranks, and the isolation. sional assistants. ing first floor patio, where Williams “From having a team of good lawyers New senior partner Des Williams unveiled the new seven-strong Exco. surrounding me one day, I had none decided that negotiation and appease- Describing the election procedure as the next,” says Stein. “I decided it was ment was the route to restoring peace “extremely stressful and disruptive, pointless.” within the firm. He was wrong. Instead, with lobbying worse than the US presi- Looking back on his demise, he con- his lack of decisive action led to the dential elections”, Williams announced cludes: “It was really just a small group

10 noseweek June 2006 COVER STORY

of people who we had fast-tracked, paid ment pictures in trade rag De Rebus firm,” he says. “I am not prepared to enormously over the odds for a number appeared after their departures. comment on any of the recommenda- of years, given them authority way In March this year the firm pulled tions made by StratAlign. beyond their years. They didn’t, and off something of a BEE coup, with Des “There has not been a ‘stream of still don’t, I believe, accept that privi- Williams’ announcement of a merger resignations by directors and support lege with humility. That’s what it really with black firm Nalane Manaka. At a staff since Stein stood down as chair- boils down to.” single stroke this brought in a plethora man’, and there is no concern in this So where does Werksmans go from of previously disadvantaged: four new regard. It is not correct that a group of here? The Gang of Five, it is said, actu- equity partners – Joe Nalane, Corlett five directors led by Gareth Driver and ally cheers as more staff jump ship; Manaka, Sandile July and Ronald David Hertz have conducted a palace they see the firm’s future as a smaller, Mabuza – plus one professional assist- revolution and now hold the power at niche boutique. Will Des Williams ant, two candidate attorneys and 10 Werksmans. There has been no ‘palace become their next target? And what is support staff. There was no shortage of revolution’. There have been structural the future for The Gang of Five itself? empty offices at Werksmans to accom- and organisational changes within the Already watchers have noted friction modate them. firm that are fully supported by all between its leaders, Gareth Driver and Nalane may have to return to directors. David Hertz, as each eye even loftier Pretoria High Court soon to explain “There is no group of directors who heights. his assurance to the court earlier this ‘hold the power’. And, crucially, will the new year that his client Tiego Moseneke’s The firm’s leadership and management Werksmans retain its lifeblood, long- receipt of R1.9m from Rolls-Royce was structures have been put in place

The Gang of Five, it is said, actually cheers as more staf jump ship

standing mega clients like South a fee for conducting a “country risk with the full support of all African Breweries? Or will they follow assessment”. As we revealed in our last directors. Carl Stein to Bowman Gilfillan, where issue, the money was in fact a donation “We enjoy outstanding support from he was snapped up for a partner’s posi- by Rolls and should have been held our clients and our staff, and we are tion from May 5? in a trust account for Moseneke’s real looking forward to further growth Last month’s resignation of 32- client, the mysterious Merlin Trust, to build on our recent merger with year-old Lance Fleiser from Gareth from whence it was destined to fund an Nalane Manaka.” Driver’s team – he’s joining Carl Stein international crime investigation being So we’ve got it all completely wrong? at Bowman Gilfillan – has left only conducted by the National Prosecuting You be the judge. one Jewish specialist corporate partner Authority.

in the key commercial department, A significant indicator of a commer- n Will there be an exodus of Picture: Sunday Times 74-year-old Archie Aaron. But then, cial law firm’s success is its standing in Werksmans clients following Werksmans has not been a totally Ernst & Young’s annual league table, Stein to Bowman Gilfillan? Jewish law firm for years; by 2002 less determined by the number of mergers “If they do decide to come than half the partners had mezuzahs and acquisitions it has handled, and across it will be their deci- on their doors. their value. In 2004, under Carl Stein, sion, not mine,” says Stein. As for BEE, at the beginning of Werksmans was ranked No 3 (after “I have long-standing 2002 there were no black partners at Edward Nathan and Webber Wentzel relationships with Werksmans. Now there’s Sam Gumede Bowens), with 29 transactions valued those people, in some and Masi Mathai, both sitting on Exco. at R25.3bn. instances they go Noreen Nobin was the first from the In 2005, on Des Williams’ watch, back decades. So I previously disadvantaged to make part- Werksmans had slumped to No 16, wouldn’t be sur- ner status – in 2002. Hers was a mete- with 26 transactions valued at R5.2bn. prised if they do or oric success – she had joined the firm One of the many departed sums it don’t. I’m deliber- just two years earlier as an admitted up: “What an absolute charade and ately not contacting attorney. However, just 10 days after circus this has been. It’s actually been my ex clients until Stein was toppled as partner, 34-year- a very successful but shameful hijack- I’m settled.” old Nobin put in her cards and left. ing of a highly-respected 89-year-old To meet the firm’s equity targets, firm by a few people. It’s not a case of about half the new annual intake of the exuberance of youth; it’s the sheer candidate attorneys at Werksmans is arrogance of youth and it’s unbeliev- GONE: Charles black. Last year the firm brought in able how it’s happened.” Butler, one of four two black senior associates, Femida Des Williams was finally prepared key managers Cassim and Lennon Phillip, but both to speak on the record. “I am not pre- who have left quit last October, after just a couple of pared to comment on the reasons for since Stein’s months. Embarrassingly, their appoint- Carl stepping down as chairman of the departure

noseweek June 2006 11 Flight XXX to nowhere

E DON’T know... We don’t know, where he is!” Vas Soni, clearly not a happy man, mumbles the sentence to Khalid Mehmood Rashid Zehir Omar. The two advo- “Wcates are arguing in a corner of the 2nd (right) was undoubtedly an floor of the Pretoria High Court. It is February 14. illegal immigrant in South Senior counsel Soni appears for Africa. It is said that Rashid Minister of Home Affairs Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula. He has little reason might be linked to Al Qaeda to be upbeat. Half an hour ago, Judge Legodi has adjourned his court to give Whether or not this is true, ingness to manufacture a Soni a last opportunity to verbally no Interpol warrant has been clumsy string of lies in the hope of mis- reveal some “missing information” to leading the courts and the public. the other side. issued for his arrest. Under these circumstances it will “The other side” is represented by a come as no surprise that the person- very determined advocate Omar. He There was, however, enough nel used in this government-sponsored wants answers, or he wants the minis- illegal operation included at least one ter locked up for contempt of court. reason to have detained senior member of the apartheid era’s An unusual step – but these are most him for questioning and for police hit squads. unusual proceedings. In December last year the Witness At issue is a simple, but serious, possible deportation to his newspaper in Pietermaritzburg was proposition: The South African govern- the first to report that an Indian ment has collaborated with foreign country of origin. Instead, one Muslim leader, Moulana Mohammed intelligence agencies in the illegal dark night in November, he Ali Jeebhai, and his Pakistani friend, abduction of a Pakistani citizen from Khalid Mehmood Rashid, had been South Africa, in an unmarked aircraft was abducted by a mysterious abducted from a house in Estcourt by that was allowed to take off, unre- a group of heavily armed men, dressed corded, from a South African military group of South African security in civilian clothing but wearing bullet- airbase, headed for an unknown desti- men who claimed to be proof vests, after they had kicked down nation. the door of the house late in the night By doing so, the Minister of Home operating with instructions of October 31. Affairs, and a score of senior officials A neighbour who witnessed the in various departments, have shown from ‘high up’. A few days incident told the newspaper that the that they have no respect for our own later, he was spirited of in community feared Rashid had been laws relating to the detention and kidnapped by the American CIA and/or deportation of illegal immigrants, and an unmarked plane manned British intelligence. our much-admired Constitution. In fact Both agencies have recently become they have shown themselves willing, by an unidentifed crew to an notorious for kidnapping terror suspects without a second thought, to contra- unknown foreign destination all over the world, jetting them across vene the same international laws that borders and detaining them in coun- declared apartheid a crime against tries where they can legally be tortured humanity. and detained indefinitely without trial. This, apart from their apparent will- It has been alleged, although it is by

12 noseweek June 2006 no means certain, that Rashid is “the is clearly intended to imply that this fifth man” – that he is linked, or is was all done according to law – just related to someone who is linked, to the another day’s work at the Department bombings that took place in the London of Home Affairs. Underground last year. He had illegally The fact that this account directly entered South Africa from Pakistan in contradicts every aspect of the state- about July. (A minor complication to ment made by the department’s spokes- Cape Town and suburbs this speculation: A man called Rashid man in December is neither noted, Aswat, who was arrested and who nor explained. But this does not make tel 0861 422 426 disappeared in a similarly mysterious much difference, since the minister’s fax 021 419 7484 operation in Lusaka some time earlier, statement is as misleading as the email [email protected] was also alleged to be “the fifth man”.) first. None of the strict and very spe- Ten days after Khalid Rashid and cific requirements of the law relating Jeebhai were abducted, Jeebhai man- to the arrest and detention of people aged to send an SMS to his brother in suspected of being illegal immigrants, Johannesburg on a borrowed cellphone. nor those relating to actual deporta- He said he was being held at Lindela, tion were complied with in the case of the Department of Home Affairs’ Khalid Rashid. detention centre for people about to be Advocate Soni’s reply to Omar’s ques- deported. tion is correct: We really don’t know Asked for comment in December, a where Rashid is. Home Affairs spokesman said Jeebhai From now on the minister’s tactic is was being held because he was suspect- to stonewall: If Omar wants the min- ed of having a false work permit. He ister’s cooperation, Soni tells him, he’ll was later released when this was found have to bring “serious applications” not to be the case. But the department before the court to compel it. Omar gets For all your property finance requirements was less forthcoming when it came to the message: the fight is on. Rashid’s disappearance. Half an hour later, Soni and his team Early in December, Rashid’s family are given 10 days in which to comply Gary Peterson Jenni Warrington applied to the Pretoria High Court for with a new order of the court: To finally 082 453 7374 083 280 2444 assistance. Judge Legodi ordered the deliver sufficient information regarding [email protected] [email protected] Minister of Home Affairs to explain the deportation and the whereabouts of what had happened to him and to Khalid Mehmood Rashid. www.bondman.co.za reveal his whereabouts. Home Affairs Two days previously, the TV pro- spokesman Monogeng Mokgojwa now gramme Carte Blanche had reported told the press that his department did that Rashid had been detained in the not know Rashid’s whereabouts and Cullinan police cells, prior to being “had never held him”. The department flown out of South Africa in a private asked for time to respond to the court jet that had taken off from Waterkloof Steve Banhegyi & Associates order, as “our legal department is at airbase. present negotiating with different secu- Carte Blanche posed the question: www.trans4mation.co.za rity agencies” to get the information. was Rashid an international Muslim 083 232 6047 This was the first of a seemingly end- terrorist, as was rumoured, and had Consulting in leadership, organisational change less chain of childishly contradictory he been abducted from South Africa in management, knowledge management, educational lies that the department would tell in an illegal, clandestine operation by a media development, and storytelling its attempts to cover up its own incom- foreign intelligence agency – a so-called petence and its complicity in an inter- “rendition” for which the American CIA national human rights scandal. has become notorious? Which brings us back to that tense And, if the allegations were correct, confrontation outside the Pretoria why were Rashid’s dangerous activi- I can’t find your cool High Court in February. Nearly three ties never mentioned in the minister’s I can’t find your golf game months after that first court order, the response to Omar’s demands for infor- minister had still not come up with any mation? Nor can I find your car answers. Which is not to say that the Only implied was the more serious But I CAN find your water leaks public was not learning more and more, question: Have South African govern- as the days went by. ment agencies been secretly collaborat- Using the latest technology In January, the minister advised ing in these illegal clandestine activities? with no guess work. the court and Mr Omar that Khalid It is not that Home Affairs didn’t Greater Johannesburg Mehmood Rashid had been found to know about the terrorism angle, as be living in South Africa without the their public statements imply. In fact, necessary permit, making him an ille- alleged terrorism links have been at (011) 763 6306 gal immigrant. As a consequence, said the very core of the issue from the the minister, he was arrested at his beginning. Geldenhuis home on 31 October last year and, on But for some reason, the department 6 November 2005, he was “deported to attempted for seven months to lie about Plumbing his country of origin”. The phraseology it. Then, in May, in a bizarre twist of

noseweek June 2006 13 fate, a bundle of documents from the and that his superiors are awaiting corporate services, and, finally, by the department’s internal file landed up in “ministerial instructions” to proceed. acting director general himself. On the boot of a food vendor’s car outside In view of the “sensitive nature” of December 15, another signature is court – from where they landed in the the mission, it is better to have some- added: “Nosiviwe”, she writes. hands of advocate Omar, the court … body without links to the area – like In the memo it is claimed that “our and noseweek. De Freitas. Chembayan gives in. Moses immigration officials were only con- The documents should, of course, agrees to provide him with “a full tacted on 11 November 2005” and that have been put into advocate Soni’s report” after the operation. “Mr J Swartland was then asked to boot, as he quickly confirmed when he 5pm: The operation is in full swing. On investigate this matter.” The depart- demanded their return. These things their way to Escourt, Moses tells De ment had, of course, in January claimed happen. Freitas that Rashid is “wanted by British to have deported Khalid Rashid on The documents contain an interest- authorities”. November 6 – five days before the ing, blow-by-blow account of what really 6.30pm: They team up with about 20 officers now claimed they were first happened in the last days of October members of the Police Task Force, called in to verify the illegality of the last year: already assembled in a park in foreigner. Tuesday, 25 October, 2005: Director Estcourt. During the following briefing, And the form BI 1724 in which [Willie] Els of the police Crime a picture from a cellphone camera is Rashid was “verified” as being an Intelligence Unit (and formerly of the shown around; all agents must be able illegal immigrant had already been notorious Vlakplaas hit squad) calls to identify the alleged terrorist they are signed on 2 November. On that day, at Joe Swartland at the Department of supposed to apprehend. But then the about 2pm. Joe Swartland had arrived Home Affairs in Pretoria. He wants two officers sent ahead to reconnoitre from Pretoria at Cullinan police sta- Swartland, who is Immigration Control report that the wanted man is not at tion, where the abductee suspected of Officer for Pretoria, to assist the CIU home. Shortly before midnight everyone “links to terrorism” was then being to “apprehend a suspected illegal for- goes home. held. According to the station register, eigner” in KwaZulu-Natal. It is clear Monday 31 October: They reassemble in Swartland and his colleague Letsoalo this request is not in terms of standard the park next to Estcourt Butchery. wanted to “interview the suspected ille- Had Rashid been lawfully deported, he would have been accompanied by immigration ofcials procedure. Swartland says he has to get 9.30pm: After another long day of gal foreigners” in the holding cells. the go-ahead from his area manager. lingering in the park, the signal “Upon verifying the work permit Two days later, he is in. comes: The suspect has “arrived from endorsement contained in the Pakistani Sunday, October 30: Everybody is “good mosque”. Doors are kicked in, two people passport”, it is stated in a report con- to go”. At lunchtime, Captain Moses, are hooded CIA-style and led away; local tained in Advocate Soni’s misplaced file, Els’s man at the CIU in Durban, police who arrive at the scene are told to Swartland discovered the work permit phones Anthony de Freitas of Home leave by the armed men who claim to be to be “fraudulently issued”. Affairs’ Durban office. They talks about policemen themselves. Unfortunately for the official ver- a planned arrest. De Freitas is one of The landlord will later say that the sion, a certain Police Inspector Molefe the 11 officers working the “law enforce- agents involved “all looked like Bruce took an affidavit from the Pakistani on ment side” at the Durban office. He and Willis fans.” And that they had threat- the same day. In it, Khalid Mehmood Moses discuss how to get “this thing” ened to shoot him, too. Rashid states: “When I was arrested I going, quickly. But first, De Freitas Following advocate Omar’s success- was in the bathroom. So I hid my pass- needs to get his superior’s approval. ful court application, Home Affairs port in the bathroom under the dirty Mr Fakude has his weekend off; act- officials rush to create an acceptable clothes.” Which is exactly where the ing chief immigration officer Michael paper trail that will, at the very least, document was later found by the owner Sarilla refers Moses to the head of cover for their minister, Nosiviwe of the house. From there it found its immigration services in the province, Mapisa-Nqakula, who is cited as “First way into advocate Omar’s file. Mr Chembayan. Respondent” in Omar’s’ court papers. The Department of Home Affairs Moses calls him up. Initially, Within 48 hours, an internal memoran- “report” contained in the bundle states Chembayan declines the request dum is circulated. Its aim: “To provide that Swartland examined “the work for support from the Durban office: the minister with background informa- permit”. Far from being able to verify Estcourt “belongs to Maritzburg”, not tion.” The document, meant to “inform anything in it, Swartland has, in fact, to Durban. But Moses is adamant: He minister” (sic) of the proceedings, never seen Rashid’s passport. needs De Freitas. “Why?” Chembayan makes no mention of the obligation of On February 16, two days after Judge wants to know. Moses spills the beans: Home Affairs to provide information Legodi’s new order to, again, provide The illegal foreigner to be arrested is about Khalid Rashid’s fate. the information requested, a letter is a Pakistani suspected of having links During the course of the next days, sought from Pakistani officials confirm- to international terrorist networks. it is signed by three top Home Affairs ing that they had, indeed, received the Moses tells Chembayan that the matter officials: the acting chief director, legal “individual” on 6 November the year is being handled “at the highest level”, services; the deputy director general, before. The request is directed through

14 noseweek June 2006 the Department of Foreign Affairs: the airbase with Rashid on board on 6 letter from the acting director general November 2005. Further contraven- of Home Affairs to the director general tions of the law emerge: as far as BARKING DOGS Foreign Affairs reads: “The Ministry of the Air Force and the airbase are DRIVING YOU CRAZY? Interior [of Pakistan] should be advised concerned the aircraft took off for an ...that the confirmatory letter ... will unknown destination: it failed to file Stop the problem quickly form part of the court record and that a flight plan (a criminal offence). The with a proven safe imported it should therefore not be classified” aircraft also had no number and its unltrasonic Bark Control Unit and concludes that “your urgent assist- pilot and crew were not identified – all ance ... would be greatly appreciated.” contraventions of the law. Call Barkstop 072 856 8540 Ten days previously, on February 6, The officer on duty at the base that Maggie Mahumo (Home Affairs, legal night told the Pretoria News that a department), had already received a number of unidentified SA Police offic- fax from Consular Services: a two-page ers and three men who “spoke with document on an official letterhead strong British accents” were also on of Pakistan’s Ministry of Interior, board the plane when it took off. National Crisis Management Cell, Available evidence suggests the aircraft INCLUDE dated 31 January 2006. In it a Lt was the notorious Gulfstream owned Colonel Yaqub, “Director Operations” by a CIA front company and labelled confirms the “arrival” in Pakistan of the “Guantanamo Express” by Amnesty “Khalid Mehmood”. International. It was advertised for noseweek The document is classified “Secret”. sale by a Miami company on the inter- In response to the Department of net on 17 November – where it is pic- in your conference goody bag Home Affairs’ subsequent request for tured without a registration number on an unclassified document, the same its tail. [email protected] letter with the same date is faxed from The combined actions of the SAPS Islamabad again, now with the word Task Force and the Department of “Secret” removed, and bearing a differ- Home Affairs fit, almost to the dot, the ent, unidentified signature. This ver- description of “enforced disappearance” sion is filed at court. as described by the Rome Statute of tulat It does not nearly comply with the the International Criminal Court, Part a io requirements of the law. Had Rashid 1, Article 7 (i), Subsection 2: g n been lawfully deported, he would have “‘Enforced disappearance of persons’ n s had to have been accompanied to means the arrest, detention or abduc- o ! ! Pakistan by a South African immigra- tion of persons by, or with the authori- C ! tion official bearing a document (“Form sation, support ... of, a State ... followed 35”) in which the deportee is identified by a refusal to acknowledge that depri- both with a photograph and a set of vation of freedom or to give information his fingerprints, the official is identi- on the fate or whereabouts ... with the fied and authorised and the aircraft is intention of removing them from the identified. On their arrival in Pakistan, protection of the law [...].” the official would have had to obtain Human rights organisations world- an original “receipt” document in which wide argue that rendition operations the receiving official is fully identified like this almost always include acts of and to which, once again, the depor- “enforced disappearance”. tee’s fingerprints must be applied. Advocate Omar has indicated that Compounding the mess is a state- he will seek justice at the international Forresters Wine Pack Winners ment issued in mid-May by the SA criminal court, The Hague, should the Roger Barnes, Oaklands; D Stacy Durban; Airforce. In the statement it is claimed minister of Home Affairs continue to K Leinberger, Muizenberg; C Alzial, New Muckleneuk; that an aircraft chartered by the SA refuse to cooperate. C Schmidt, Darling. Police Service took off from Waterkloof See page 5: Editorial Your Complete Software Solution Trust Accounting Electronic Instructions Property Transfers Case Management Bond Registrations Client Billing Debt Collection Diary System “”Making computers work for you Litigation Time Management 0861711150 Bills of Cost Management Reports For a free demonstration. Trade Marks Admin Orders www.legalsuite.co.za

noseweek June 2006 15 Who gave Sasol head? Picture: Sunday Times Picture:

Choices, choices: Sasol’s deputy head Trevor LEGAL BATTLE is looming between Munday was happy to take any colour as long two rival headhunters over as it was black which of them is entitled to a massive fee for placing high- powered Christine Ramon as chiefA financial officer and executive board member of petrochemical giant Armstrong who placed the talented Sasol. accountant at Johnnic about 10 years Headhunter Samantha Armstrong ago. Their relationship resumed in claims that her tiny one-person firm February 2005, when Stepping Stones Stepping Stones Executives landed presented several candidates to Christine Ramon the job, which she South Africa’s Ramon for employment at Johnnic. started on May 1. From that time, says Armstrong, No, says JSE-listed Adcorp. We petrochemical giant they also discussed Ramon’s own headhunted Christine Ramon – and future. “It wasn’t that serious, because the placement fee is ours. Christine wanted Johnnic to work.” Sasol has been under enormous is at the centre of an But at the beginning of August pressure to realign its transformation last year Armstrong phoned Trevor policy, following minerals and energy unseemly legal argy- Munday’s office at Sasol and asked his department director-general Sandile PA if Munday would be interested in Nogxina’s savage condemnation of the bargy between a David someone with Ramon’s profile. group 15 months ago as one of South The timing was right. Munday had Africa’s “least transformed” compa- held the chief financial officer’s job, nies, still white in its top ranks. and a Goliath of the but recently been promoted to deputy Headhunting is a lucrative but chief executive. cutthroat business when it comes headhunting industry “Munday’s PA phoned me the fol- to placing high-performing black lowing day and said she had discussed executives – especially women – in the matter with him,” says Armstrong. top corporate niches. A headhunter’s over the alleged “She said they were indeed looking fee typically ranges between 20% and for a chief financial officer and could I 35% of the placement’s first year pack- snafing of clients send Ramon’s details through? I asked age. Stepping Stones asks for 20%, Christine if that would be all right so for Ramon, who’s on an estimated and she said yes, she would like to minimum of R3m at Sasol – possibly pursue the option. much more – its fee would be at least “She was too busy to update her CV, R600,000. but promised to do so when she had a Samantha Armstrong blames Sasol’s moment.” deputy chief executive Trevor Munday Last August 23, still waiting for the for the loss of her placement fee. updated CV, Armstrong received a call Ramon has arrived at Sasol from from an agitated Christine Ramon, Johnnic Holdings, where she was who said she had just been contacted chief executive (with a pay package by a man called Hilton Brown from in 2005 of R2.6m). It was Samantha Adcorp. He told her he had been man-

16 noseweek June 2006 dated by Sasol to look for a new chief office and was referred to Nolitha she was black [in fact 38-year-old financial officer, and would she be Fakude, who was “in charge of the Ramon is Indian] before he forwarded interested? appointment process”. Fakude told her CV to Hilton Brown! Ramon told Brown she was aware Armstrong that she “didn’t want to Most important for Samantha of the position and that another agent get involved”. So Armstrong phoned Armstrong’s case, Munday confirmed had already put her forward. Was Hilton Brown at Adcorp. “He was rude that Hilton Brown had agreed that if a it Samantha Armstrong? demanded to me, questioning my ethics and say- candidate presented by another agen- Brown. Ramon confirmed that it was. ing he was mandated for the position. cy was appointed, the fee would be “Christine told me she didn’t like He said Christine had been on a list paid to that agency (ie, her Stepping Brown’s attitude and she didn’t want and that I was wrong to claim her as Stones). to proceed with the appointment until my client.” At Johnnic, Ramon failed to thwart the matter of who was presenting her After Brown’s unexpected and a hostile bid for control by Hosken was settled,” says Armstrong. unwelcome call Ramon finally got Consolidated Investments, and sub- Armstrong telephoned Munday’s around to updating her CV. On mitted her resignation last December.

The photo shoot on April 5 to announce Ramon’s appointment was by all accounts a tension-filled affair

August 25 Armstrong forwarded it to “A couple of days before she resigned Trevor Munday. He responded three she phoned me and said she was now days later. “Hello Sam,” it read. “Can actively looking,” says Armstrong. “We you please confirm that Christine is a had endless telephone conversations black person? If she is, may I forward and she kept me abreast of everything. the CV to Hilton Brown of [Adcorp’s] We met for coffee to discuss Sasol and Gobodo Grey who is mandated for this whether she wanted to pursue other appointment? Hilton has agreed that opportunities.” if we appoint a candidate proposed by In April this year Ramon was on another agency, the fees will be pay- holiday in Italy when Sasol contacted able to that agency. I look forward to her and offered her the CFO’s job. hearing from you. Regards, Trevor.” She accepted. Samantha Armstrong From this, it is clear that although telephoned Trevor Munday to con- Ramon was well known through her gratulate him, but he never returned position as chief executive of Johnnic, her call. She phoned Hilton Brown at Munday had apparently never heard Adcorp and asked whether she should Recruitment: Nolitha Fakude of her and needed confirmation that invoice Adcorp or Sasol for her fee.

noseweek June 2006 17 “Invoice?” replied Brown. “You won’t be invoicing anyone!” The photo shoot on April 5 to announce Ramon’s appointment was by all accounts a tension-filled affair, with Hilton Brown confronting Sasol’s new CFO, demanding to know why she had maintained contact with Samantha Armstrong. Ramon replied that Armstrong was her consultant and she was Stepping Stones’ client. At Sasol, where she’s just completed her first month, Ramon reports to Munday, who has instructed her not to discuss the matter of her placement with anyone. To Samantha Armstrong, Munday fired another email. “Sasol signed a mandate letter with Adcorp on 4 April 2005, mandating them to initiate a search for a CFO. We subsequently a Sasol group executive with responsi- were a few positions coming up at met with Adcorp on 10 May to con- bility for world-wide human resources Sasol and when he’d decided which sider an initial candidate list that and strategy. way the company was going he’d give included Christine. You submitted Samantha Armstrong claims that me a call.” Christine’s CV much later, in August. Fakude was also her client, and they No call was forthcoming and at the Your submission was not a conse- had “numerous meetings to discuss beginning of last October Amstrong quence of any mandate or agreement her future” while the former president read of Fakude’s appointment in the and in any event, by that stage we of the Black Management Forum was press. She phoned Munday, who told were well-informed about Christine’s still at Nedbank, where she was a her: “She came on board because of background, qualifications and experi- member of the group executive com- a personal relationship.” Armstrong ence.” mittee. accepted this and agreed that no That’s very odd. Munday was under Fakude told Armstrong that she recruitment fee was therefore due. orders to ensure that a person of already knew Munday and had a per- Later she discovered that a hefty fee colour got the job. If he was so well sonal relationship with him. “I asked had been paid to Adcorp! informed about Ramon in May 2005, her: ‘if you already know him, do you Says Adcorp’s Hilton Brown: “I have why was he emailing Armstrong more still want me to present you?’ Nolitha signed mandates to the effect that I than three months later, asking for said yes, so I sent her CV to Munday handle confidential searches on behalf confirmation that she was black and in October 2004, at his request. of Sasol for the two respective posi- requesting permission to forward her “I met Nolitha on quite a few occa- tions. Having done the various due CV to Hilton Brown at Adcorp? sions. I presented her in the market- diligences, both Nolitha and Christine Trevor Munday is also in the fir- place and got her quite a few inter- were subsequently appointed.” ing line over lost fees regarding last views with top CEOs. Trevor Munday Sasol says its lawyers have inves- year’s placement of Nolitha Fakude as told me he knew her. He said there tigated and advised that Samantha Armstrong has no claim for commis- sion regarding Ramon’s appointment. Regarding Munday’s inquiry whether Ramon was black its statement says: “Trevor Munday’s question arose because Christine Ramon’s surname is not a typical black South African sur- name and sounds European.” Which neatly confirms that in August 2005 Munday knew nothing about Christine Ramon! Armstrong’s attorney Harry Nochumsohn says that since Sasol will not provide details of Ramon’s pay package, the next step will be a high court application seeking an order to disclose its full particulars. Then a summons will be issued claiming a 20% fee for Ramon’s appointment. At Sasol, a staff member said that Ramon and Fakude were both “behind closed doors” and unavailable for com- ment.

18 noseweek June 2006 Country Life The man who shot the dog who ate the chicken Picture: noseweek Picture:

Dog fight: Dips reached for his .38 and potted the canine killer of his beloved pet fowl between the eyes

HILE SECURITY guards rip For a man rumoured to be so deeply up town, boys from good malevolent, a psychopathic killer, a homes are shot execution person filled with hatred for man’s style and crime balloons, best friend, Dippenaar appears a mild it’s reassuring to know man, dressed in the South African Wthat the full force of the law cracks male uniform – miniscule shorts and a down with killer vigour on the man huge shirt, giving a vague impression who shot the dog who ate his chicken. In the Southern Cape of bottom-half nakedness. His glasses An early winter’s Sunday afternoon hang around his neck on a string. On a in Sandbaai outside Hermanus might chair lies his leather jacket and in the be a strong contender for the most seaside hamlet of garage is his vintage Kawasaki. depressing place on earth. It is home He is not an aggressive man, only to a certain variety of Pom, a highly- Sandbaai, fowl is incited to passion by the thought of strung ginger-coloured powder-puff braais, motor bikes, and his beloved of a dog with a maladjusted psyche fair game, but culling curs silky chickens, one of which met an known for inciting feelings of murder- early end in the mouth of a rakish ous intent. animal, half wolf, half husky, the Mr Dippenaar, renowned dog killer of is a fatal faux pas, as Lin Bin Laden of domestic pets, who ter- Hermanus, referred to in the Hermanus rorised the neighbourhood, jumping Times as “the man who shot a dog in Sampson discovers fences, biting into cold blood”, lives in a stone house, “each cats, munching away and every stone laid in place by his own at chickens, as if hands”, enclosed with Alcatraz fencing. he was in Woolworths’ Once, it was open to the road but, “since free-range meat depart- the incident”, it has been enclosed with ment. spikes and barbed wire. This was the two-

noseweek June 2006 19 Country Life

Picture: noseweek Picture: Stool pigeons: The The dog goes crazy. Attacks anything deceased chicken, it can see.” with feathered Wolfie’s owner, Marten Keller, it friend, used to watch seems, followed the ancient and time- TV with Dips at night honoured manner of exercising a dog that had long been established in Sandbaai - which is to let the dog out and then follow - car, sipping a brandy and Coke. with ancient and Twenty minutes after Dippenaar new braai imple- shot the dog, the storm troopers ments. It is a arrived: A posse of police were at his torture chamber door, shouting, “Ons kom jou arrest- of barbecue equip- eer!” ment, hoes and Dips said, “Well, in that case, I won’t tongs and coal open.” shuttles and rakes The police said, “In that case, we’ll and braai trolleys kick your door down.” and other arcane Sersant van der Westhuizen of the and difficult-to- Hermanus Police Force, said, “Ek is al identify artifacts of lankal lus vir jou.” (I have been wait- Afrikaner culture. ing a long time for you.) It is only a step “They charged at me, grabbed me, from this inferno and ran me into the stoep wall. They of charred animals bent my arm. that Wolfie met his “I said, ‘I am an old man.’ They year-old Siberian husky who went by sudden and tragic end. twisted my arm behind my back and the grand name of Annoukiak, known On the mantlepiece in the braai slapped on murderous handcuffs. They as Wolfie for short. room is a rather faded picture of a pulled me into the house and shouted, Wolfie was a boulevardier with bad group of silky chickens. One of them is ‘Where’s the gun? Give us the gun!’ genetics and a mean attitude. He ringed with the words “deceased, bit- They started turning furniture upside roamed the streets of Sandbaai, throw- ten by dog” written beside it. down, splitting open cushions, opening ing his weight around, wandering at According to Dippenaar, Wolfie had drawers and throwing out the contents. will into anyone’s house, without so had his eye on the silkies right from “I said, ‘Hang on a minute.’ The On top of everything is a picture of the culprit, Wolfie, yellow eyes glinting, psychotically. Half dog, half monster

much as a please or thank you. He was the start; clearly he dreamt of sinking policeman shouted back, ‘Moenie op my raffish and disordered. his teeth into them – and one day he skreeu nie.’ (Don’t dare shout at me.) “Just helping himself to any bloody did just that. “I pleaded with them to give me a thing in his way,” says Dippenaar Now, Wolfie’s days of mischief-mak- chance to show them where the gun sourly. ing - chasing girl dogs, defecating on was before they entirely demolished He had come to the house many people’s lawns, slipping into half-open my house. times before. “I never knew where he gates in the early hours of the morn- “Outside, they tried to run me into lived. I can’t very well ask the dog ing, sniffing at rubbish bags, looking, the bumper of the police car. I said, where he lives.” looking everywhere for a place he ‘OK, let me alone, I’ll get into the van, And then one day, early in 2002, he could cause a bit of a commotion - were you don’t have to kill me.’ snatched and devoured Dip’s favourite at an end. “They drove at breakneck speed. silky. It used to sit next to him on the “Look here,” says Dips, as he points My cell phone rang and the policeman sofa, watching television at night. dramatically to the ground, “see here, said, ‘If you touch that cell phone, I’ll A little later that year, it all become that is where I shot him.” see that you get into trouble.’ too much for Joachim Dippenaar, when Dippenaar gazes down proudly but “They ran me into the police station, he found the dog making a grab for sadly at the spot. “Right here,” he put me into a cage and locked the cage. his cat. He took out his .38 Special reiterates. It is a moving, nay, almost I said, ‘Can’t you loosen the handcuffs and planted a bullet neatly between noble, moment, a scene that calls for a little bit?’ Wolfie’s pale yellow eyes. a minute’s silence and even a round of “Van der Westhuizen replied, ‘You Now, two years later, Dips recalls applause. keep those on until ek sê you can the traumatic events of that night, “The dog lived 250 metres from here. remove them.’ as we sit in his braai room, decorated There was no fence. He let the dog out. “He didn’t even read me my rights.

20 noseweek June 2006 All he wanted to know was: ‘Have you as new witnesses. It was a trick to get been drinking?’ I said I had had a little the case reopened. I got my attorney drink. Had a little brandy after I shot to ring the public prosecutor, Tania Private Apartments Wolfie. I needed something to steady Wentzel, and tell her to throw the case the nerves. out. TO LET “‘I am going to Breathalyzer you,’ “No, he has got to pay,” she shouted, said the policeman.” (The test showed “He has to pay.” FULL FACILITIES • TV • SECURITY he wasn’t over the limit.) Dip’s case was back on the roll. When The upshot was that Dips was he next went to court, Tania Wentzel LONDON £80 per day* thrown into a cage for two hours, then summoned him to her office and told between Park Lane and Grosvenor Square locked up with violent criminals for 20 him sternly, “If, today, you don’t plead NEW YORK $100 per day* hours. “It was filthy, terrible, blankets guilty on all these charges, I am going Midtown/E63rd & Madison Avenue with fleas, old urine-soaked mattresses. to see you in jail. And you have to pay PARIS €100 per day* I was in with the terrible murderer Martin Kellerman R2.800.” Dip was Langman.” terrified – and outraged at the improp- 206 Rue de Rivoli on Tuileries Metro Station Dippenaar brings out a huge file, er threat. CELL 082 445 1804 or Tel/Fax 021 712 1712 papers clipped and Xeroxed and high- He pleaded guilty. EMAIL [email protected] lighted, court summonses, affidavits But, Dip did get to tell his story *Costs apply for stays of 3 or more days. chronicling the murder of Wolfie. On – and Magistrate Engelbrecht was sym- Cost of 1 or 2 days extra 25%. top of everything is a picture of the pathetic. He reprimanded Kellerman culprit himself, Wolfie, yellow eyes for letting his dog run loose; he noted glinting, psychotically. Half dog, half that the case should, in fact, never have monster. A cold shiver rattles down our come to court. And then he sentenced spines. Dip to a fine – which he suspended on “A terrible, terrible person,” says condition that Dip does not go flashing Dippenaar, the line between human his firearm around again. being and animal now, after many Dip’s wife and Wolfie’s owner, court appearances and a spell in the Kellerman, were employed at the same cells, almost entirely extinguished. school. So she insisted on paying him The case itself began to look a bit his R2,800 to keep the peace. like a Mafia don trial; postponements, But Dip was not done. suicides, sleuths with ambivalent loy- He complained to the Director of alties, underground rumours, witness Public Prosecutions about prosecutor interference. Wentzel’s improper threat. When, a Nasty he might have been, but Wolfie month later, he had still not heard from was not cheap. He cost a whopping the DPP about his complaint, he wrote R2,800 and his owner was looking for an angry second letter, demanding recompense, apart from the trauma of action. The DPP replied within days losing his dog. saying that he did not think it would be Dippenaar was charged with firing necessary for him to pursue the matter: a firearm in a municipal area, the use Ms Wentzel had, in the interim, com- of a firearm under the influence of mitted suicide. alcohol, the pointing of a firearm (at OK, but he has another score to set- Wolfie’s angry owner), and the negli- tle: The battering he allegedly received gent use of a firearm. at the hands of the policemen. For the He appeared in the Hermanus dis- psychological and physical trauma. trict court on 20 November 2002 and Dips went to the SAP’s Independent was released on his own recognisances. Complaints Department and landed up He appeared in court for the second with Mr Lucky Ngoma, investigator. time on 14 January but the case was However, Mr Ngoma was not the sleuth postponed, due to the fact that Kathy one was looking for and once again the Taljaard, the original owner of the case has languished. dog, and one-time owner of the Cattle But aluta continua, Dips’ new hobby Baron in Hermanus had got up a peti- is rapidly taking the place of biking. tion signed by 300 people. Hermanus Dips says he was very close to his silky, went into dog murderer alert. Hysteria a perfectly silly looking animal who reigned. looks like a kugel in a parking tizz. At his next court appearance, when Always on the look-out for free-range the prosecution was still not ready to meat, I ask whether silkies are known proceed, the magistrate was persuaded for their culinary qualities. Dips looks by Dip’s attorney to throw out the case. sad and shocked. “I lost a good friend,” Dog Killer Goes Free! Screamed the he says. Hermanus Times. He adds, malevolently, “And it But not for long. doesn’t stop here. I intend carrying this “Van der Westhuizen dredged up a on, to the end.” couple of really trashy security guards

noseweek June 2006 21 Business Trends

Wild Bill Venter

T LAST we’ve cracked the long- For a while, all went Picture: noseweek standing mystery of the abrupt well and hundreds of departure from the Altron thousands of rands Group of chairman Bill Venter’s in rent money poured 46-year-old son-in-law, Kevin into Schroeder’s pocket Schroeder.A – from unsuspecting Dr Schroeder, who’s married to Venter’s Bill’s little electronics only daughter, Leanne, has an on-off and telecommunications relationship with Dr Bill. “Half the group. But then some time they’re not on speaking terms rotter let the cat out of and the other half they’re the best the bag. An incensed Dr noseweek Picture: of friends,” reports our spy at Altron Bill could hardly believe House. Leanne’s brave efforts to keep that he, the ultimate the peace are not eased by the proximity operator, had himself of her dad – she, Schroeder and their been had. two young children live next door to the He ordered his staff R20m Westcliff mansion wherein are to to investigate. “Given be found 71-year-old Bill and his bride who was involved, we In the family: Sherborne Square has number four, Carla Haldane. had to investigate in more depth than caused a rift between the Great Dr Bill and Venter, as we all know, has a thing we would with an ordinary employee,” his son-in-law, Kevin Schroeder about money. His meanness is legen- reports one of the sleuths. “We had to be dary. If he spent a penny in a Paris 110% sure.” pissoire he’d ask for a receipt. So one The discovery of Kevin’s little prank can imagine his fury towards the coincided with the end of Altron’s lease Anyway, to wind up the sorry end of 2004 when he discovered that of Sherborne Square, in October 2004. tale. Dr Bill, anxious as always to be Schroeder, while in Altron’s employ as a Dr Bill decided it would be grossly seen to be making the best of a bad head office exec, had secretly bought an improper for Altron to negotiate a new situation, called in Altron non-exec office building being rented by the group lease with the newly-discovered “con- directors Buddy Horton (chairman and was gleefully pocketing Altron’s nected party” – his own son-in-law. A of Woolworths), Mike Leeming (non rent money without Dr Bill’s knowledge! team was dispatched to find new over- exec director of AECI, Woolworths Sherborne Square is a handsome red- spill premises, but despite their efforts and Glenrand MIB) and Peter Wilmot brick group of buildings in tree-lined nothing so convenient as Sherborne (retired partner of Deloitte & Touche), Sherborne Road, immediately opposite Square could be found. and recounted Schroeder’s dirty deed, Altron House, HQ of the Altron Group Dr Bill decided Altron must negotiate and how he had fired the scamp. The in Johannesburg’s Parktown. Altron a new lease for Sherborne Square. But directors approved of Venter’s actions, had been renting half of Sherborne first Schroeder must sell the property, he but opined that if Schroeder did not sell Square for several years, using it as a decreed. Then Schroeder must be banned Sherborne Square immediately, Altron convenient overspill facility for some 30 henceforth from Altron. would have to move out. head office staff. “It did cause a rift,” This would have caused enormous Venter had long had his admits our source in Altron inconvenience, for, as well as being eye on buying Sherborne House. “We discovered that across the road, Sherborne Square was Square. But when it Kevin owned the building connected to group HQ by telephone finally came up for sale and had tried to disguise and computer cables and all the rest of around August 2003 he the fact. Dr Venter organ- high tech’s paraphernalia. was pipped to the post by ised that Kevin would It took Schroeder a couple of months a mysterious newly-formed leave the group. to dispose of the property. The new company, whose principal “This is all very sensi- owner, one Guy Melville, has no com- no one had ever heard tive. Very few people know ment to make to noseweek. of. The mystery company about this episode and Dr After this abrupt end to his corporate and its (nominee) director Venter will be beside him- career, Schroeder has been making the acquired the property for self with rage if it all gets occasional foray from Westcliff to the an estimated R5m-plus. out.” Eastern Cape, where he owns Overall Dr Bill swallowed his King, a company that makes industrial pride and Altron continued overalls at a factory in East London. His to pay the substantial rent Renter schlenter: Dr Venter co-director in this enterprise is his 73- to its unknown new owner. is not expected to be pleased year-old mom, Connie.

22 noseweek June 2006 Minister sinks port plan

Picture: noseweek HE NATIONAL Port Authority’s high levels of coastal erosion; destruc- they too realised how murky the solu- (NPA) shoddily-conceived plan tion of marine eco-systems; pollution, tions were, concluding that the CSIR to reclaim 42 ha of seabed visual impacts; health risks, and dam- had used a “questionable approach alongside Cape Town’s docks age to coastal property. Opponents also concerning beach nourishment”. They has been stopped in its tracks questioned the need for the expansion were kind. Tafter Environmental Affairs Minister project and the port authority’s insist- On the gaping holes in the council’s Marthinus van Schalkwyk ruled that ence on this option over less-risky, favourable EIA report, the experts the project could become an “unmiti- cheaper and more sustainable alterna- pointed out some more whoppers, such gated” environmental disaster with tives. as: The model used to predict coastal far-reaching financial consequences The minister’s ruling brings into erosion was not appropriate (CSIR

Picture: noseweek Picture: Just how shoddy — and devious question the credibility and motives had used a straight coastline model — the plan was, was first revealed in of the CSIR’s in-house environmental whereas Table Bay’s coastline is any- noseweek. Now the minister has joined consultancy, which conducted the EIA. thing but straight); surveyors conven- the plan’s critics, leaving Cape Town’s He slammed its sloppy work, saying: iently neglected to include some areas former mayor Nomaindia Mfeketo with “The non-disclosure by the CSIR of the that would be affected; and, rather egg on her face once again. As read- concerns and recommendations high- suspiciously, they did not include rec- ers will recall (nose68, June 2005), lighted by their expert, renders the ommendations of peer reviewers in the the former mayor stubbornly ignored EIA process flawed and reflects a seri- report “without providing reasons for a report by the city’s environmental ous breach of responsibility.” dismissing such recommendations”. management experts advising her to Before going into the CSIR’s (pur- Minister van Schalkwyk had object to NPA’s proposed project. The poseful?) faux pas, a quick recap on the specialists’ opinions reviewed project entailed dredging six million the proposed project’s major environ- by former CSIR staff member, Dr cubic metres of sand from the seabed mental impacts and NPA’s somewhat Heydorn, who is now an independent alongside Robben Island to be used in absurd plan to curb the damage. coastal ecologist and consultant. He creating a new bit of “foreshore” at the Aside from the negative effects land agreed with the critics and added a docks for an extended container termi- reclamation would have on sensitive few more damning titbits of his own. nal stacking area. marine eco-systems, dredging sand off He criticised his former colleagues for Council insiders said Mfeketo was the seabed would cause widespread failing to take into account that dis- instructed by “higher powers” to toe erosion. Put simply, sand impedes ruptions to the coastline could result the line; raising questions on whether the speed and force of waves; less in “severe and incalculable” economic ANC-linked figureheads had used sand would cause a tsunami-like consequences and slated them for their influence to push through the effect whereby more powerful and ignoring the “exceedingly high risk R1.8bn project in return for kickbacks. faster-moving waves crash against the of negative impacts on the industry, “They (the former Mayoral Committee) shoreline, causing rapid erosion (up to infrastructure, residential develop- would not entertain any criticism of 11 metres in some areas). Throw rising ment and tourism of Cape Town and the project, even though they know it sea levels, caused by global warming, the country”. will have a significant and irreversible into the mix and those prime beach- All these condemnations must be impact on the environment,” one coun- front properties could have a far more terribly awkward for the NPA, which cil source said at the time. tangible “sea view” than residents bar- repeatedly insisted the project was In his decision to overturn his gained for! financially and environmentally sound department’s approval of the project’s National Ports’ solution? To keep and waved off noseweek’s previous Environmental Impact Assessment dumping masses of sand onto the coverage of the saga as “exaggeration”. (EIA) report, Minister van Schalkwyk beach to “mitigate the erosion”. And The ports authority is now staying agreed with the city’s environmental where would they source the tons of mum on whether it intends ditching experts (silenced by the former mayor) sand needed to do this? NPA came the controversial project for a more that the EIA process was “flawed”. up with two options: A quarry in logical alternative or taking the option Even more embarrassing for Mfeketo, Durbanville, which would entail about of going back to the drawing board and is that the minister’s ruling high- 20 trucks making 10 trips a day, trying to sort out the serious flaws. lighted the same inconsistencies and indefinitely — contributing to traffic Meanwhile, the former mayor still blatant omissions underlined in the congestion and air pollution; or, more needs to do some explaining as to why report she booted out without blinking. ridiculously, to enter into a vicious she rejected the city’s environmental The city’s experts — along with inde- cycle of dredge and dump by sourcing expert’s advice. Was it pure negligence pendent specialists and two residents’ the sand from the very same seabed or were there more sinister forces associations — expressed grave con- causing the erosion in the first place! at play? We’re eager to find out, but cerns about the project’s impact on the Thankfully, the minister called on unfortunately Mfeketo could not be Table Bay area and beyond, including: two experts to review the EIA and reached for comment.

noseweek June 2006 23 A load of Bush Picture: PictureNET/ AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Greg Palast considers the presidential thoughts that got away

HE PRESIDENT says immi- wage increases or price increases. make sense, of course. (So I pocket grants “Must Learn To There’s a series of parts of the for- the $50.) Misinterpreate English” mula that are being considered. And that’s the point. Never, as OK, I made that up. The And when you couple that, those the President of the United States quote may be fabricated, different cost drivers, affecting says, “misunderestimate” him. The Tbut, for Cinco de Mayo, President those – changing those with per- Grinning Chimp knows exactly Bush did really, truly demand that sonal accounts, the idea is to get what he’s saying – or, in this case, those who come to the US “have a what has been promised more exactly what he’s not saying. responsibility to learn the English likely to be – or closer delivered to He is pretending to tell you his language.” what has been promised. Does that plan. But his plan has to do with Fair enough. Certainly, would-be make any sense to you? It’s kind revaluing the Chinese yuan, shift- citizens, indeed all citizens, should of muddled. Look, there’s a series ing US retirement trillions into be required to comprehend the of things that cause the – like, for “personal” accounts that banks following sample of the Mother example, benefits are calculated can shuffle to the more produc- Tongue, spoken by Bush him- based upon inflation, as opposed tive markets of Asia – and trans- self. This is from the President’s to wage increases. This is a reform forming America the Industrial February 4, 2005 explanation of that would help solve the red if Powerhouse into America the how he intended to “save” the US’s that were put into effect. In other Planetary Speculator. social security system. Take notes, words, how fast benefits grow, Rather than tell you that, he’s class, there will be a test. how fast the promised benefits told nothing – in as many words as Ladies and Gentlemen, The grow, if those — that that growth possible. President of the United States: is affect, it will help on the red.” n This article is an extract from “Because the – all which is on Got that? Armed Madhouse: Dispatches from the table begins to address the So, go ahead, answer the the Front Lines of the Class War by big cost drivers. For example, President’s question: “Does that Greg Palast. The book is published this how benefits are calculate, for make any sense to you?” And $50 month by Penguin Books. An audio example, is on the table; whether to the first reader who can make edition is being published by Simon & or not benefits rise based upon it make sense to anyone. It doesn’t Schuster.

24 noseweek June 2006 Law of the B and Hans Muhlberg Absolut madness

USTRALIANS ARE irritatingly good at marks and business names. sport, but they’re hardly known for So what should you do if you’re starting a their mental agility. So it grates new business? You should do what very few when they pick up on things before accountants, attorneys or company formation we do. Like the absurd naming prob- agents will tell you to do, namely a trademark lemA facing anyone starting a new business. search. Which is all very well for trademark The problem is this: You decide to start a lawyers, but ridiculous in the greater scheme; business and you’re advised to form a com- we’re supposed to be encouraging the creation pany. You think of a name, if only because of new businesses, not making it difficult. you can’t go through life as “newco”. Cipro What could government do about the prob- (the Companies and Intellectual Property lem? The most obvious thing would be to cre- Registration Office) checks that it isn’t Under the ate some sort of link between the company reg- already taken and, if it isn’t, the name’s ister and the trademark register. When Cipro approved. You register your company and current $#%* checks your company name it should also do happily start trading. A short while later “ a trademark search and reject the name if it someone sues you because you’re infringing arrangements, clashes with a trademark. Or, at least, warn their trademark. You confidently raise the you that there might be a problem. On the face well-known Hello! — the-Registrar-approved- people can of it this should be quite easy, as Cipro is, of it legal defence. The person suing you raises course, responsible for both registers. the equally well-known Duh — Who-cares? But there are practical problems. Trademark legal response. And you lose. set up a $#%* searching is pretty specialised stuff, which is A recent report in The Australian (no, of why it is generally handled by such obviously course we don’t read it, we hardly have the business, and outrageously talented individuals! Firstly, time to get through The Sun; it came to us the enquiry isn’t simply whether there is an via some news service thing) says that the commence identical name, but also whether there is a Australian government has realised this is a confusingly similar name. Secondly, trade- problem following a high-profile case where trading under marks are registered for particular goods and two individuals registered a swimwear busi- services, and it’s not only trademarks regis- ness called Absolut Beach and were then sued a registered tered for identical goods and serv- and closed down by the company which owns ices that need to be considered, the Absolut vodka trademark. Absolut mad- but also those registered for ness you think! Maybe so, but, as they say, $#%* business similar goods and services. In life’s a beach! fact, a well-known mark that A politician who isn’t called Bruce had this name and be is registered for totally differ- to say in the Australian parliament: “Under ent goods and services might the current $#%* arrangements, people can set $#%* unaware also be relevant. up a $#%* business, commence trading under Another possibility would be to a registered $#%* business name and be $#%* that they are change trademark law to provide unaware that they are infringing an existing that a trademark owner can only $#%* trademark.” infringing an sue if there is use of the name by We couldn’t have put it better ourselves. a company that trades in the And it’s true. The fact that you have registered same goods or services for your company under that name will only be a existing $#%* which it is registered. This defence if you registered it before the trade- would, however, put us com- mark was registered. How stupid is that? trademark pletely out of line with inter- And why has no one ever made an issue of it? national trademark law and Admittedly without crime, taxis or rapacious for that reason it’s maybe not politicians, the Australians have more time an option. to worry about such things, but someone here We don’t really know what must have noticed! In the past, when trade- the answer is, but it’s time marks were used to designate goods rather that some clever people sat than services, and the trademark owner could down and found one. We could, only stop someone using that mark if it was of course, just wait and see being used on the same goods, the problem ” what the Australians do. After didn’t arise much. But now, in the age of the all, we’re not much good at sport brand, there is a huge overlap between trade- either.

noseweek June 2006 25 Mental Health George Monbiot

Food and crime

OES TELEVISION cause crime? The idea that the inmates with capsules containing the miss- people copy the violence they watch is ing nutrients, and half with placebos. They also debated endlessly by criminologists. counselled all the prisoners in the trial about But this column concerns an odder and improving their diets. The number of violent perhaps more interesting idea: If crime incidents caused by inmates in the control group Dleaps out of the box, it is not the programmes (those taking the placebos) fell by 56%, and in that are responsible as much as the material in the experimental group by 80%. But among the between. It proposes that violence emerges from inmates in the placebo group who refused to those blissful images of family life, purged of all improve their diets, there was no reduction. The darkness, that we see in the advertisements. researchers also wired their subjects to an elec- Let me begin, in constructing this strange troencephalograph to record brainwave patterns, argument, with a paper published in the latest Why should and found a major decrease in abnormalities edition of Archives of Paediatrics and Adolescent after 13 weeks on supplements. Medicine. It provides empirical support for the a link A similar paper, published in 2002 in the Brit- contention that children who watch more televi- ish Journal of Psychiatry, found that among sion eat more of the foods it advertises. “Each young adult prisoners given supplements of the hour increase in television viewing,” it found, between vitamins, minerals and fatty acids in which they “was associated with an additional 167 kilocalo- were deficient, disciplinary offences fell by 26% ries per day.” Most of these extra calories were in the experimental group, and not at all in the contained in junk foods: fizzy drinks, crisps, diet and control group. Researchers in Finland found that biscuits, sweets, burgers, and chicken nuggets. all 68 of the violent offenders they tested during Watching television, the paper reported, “is also behaviour be another study suffered from reactive hypogly- inversely associated with intake of fruit and veg- caemia, an abnormal tolerance of glucose caused etables”. by an excessive consumption of sugar, carbohy- There is no longer any serious debate about surprising? drates and stimulants such as caffeine. what a TV diet does to your body. A [British] In March this year the lead author of the government survey published last month shows 2002 report, Bernard Gesch, told the Ecologist that the proportion of children in English second- magazine that “having a bad diet is now a bet- ary schools who are clinically obese has almost ter predictor of future violence than past violent doubled in 10 years. Today, 27% of girls and 24% behaviour ... Likewise, a diagnosis of psychopa- of boys between 11 and 15 years old suffer from thy, generally perceived as being a better predic- this condition, which means they are far more tor than a criminal past, is still miles behind likely to contract diabetes and to die before the what you can predict just from looking at what a age of 50. But the more interesting question is person eats.” what this diet might do to your mind. There are Why should a link between diet and behaviour now scores of studies suggesting that it hurts the be surprising? Quite aside from the physiologi- brain as much as it hurts the heart and the pan- cal effects of eating too much sugar (apparent creas. Among the many proposed associations is to anyone who has attended a children’s party), a link between bad food and violent or antisocial the brain, whose function depends on precise behaviour. biochemical processes, can’t work properly with The most spectacular results were those insufficient raw materials. The most important reported in the Journal of Nutritional and Envi- of these appear to be unsaturated fatty acids ronmental Medicine in 1997. The researchers had (especially the omega 3 types), zinc, magnesium, conducted a double-blind, controlled experiment iron, folate and the B vitamins, which happen to in a jail for chronic offenders aged between 13 be those in which the prisoners in the 1997 study and 17. Many of the boys there were deficient in were most deficient. certain nutrients. They consumed, on average, A report published at the end of last year only 63% of the iron, 42% of the magnesium, 39% by the pressure group Sustain explained what of the zinc, 39% of the vitamin B12 and 34% of appear to be clear links between deteriorating the folate in the US government’s recommended diets and the growth of depression, behavioural daily allowance. The researchers treated half problems, Alzheimer’s and other forms of mental

26 noseweek June 2006 illness. Sixty percent of the dry weight of the brain is fat, which is “unique in the body for being predominantly com- And back in the RSA... posed of highly unsaturated fatty acids”. Zinc and magnesium affect both its metabolism of lipids and its production ur health department has of altering a child’s diet (to exclude of neurotransmitters — the chemicals recommended to the Codex additives such as colourants and pre- which permit the nerve cells to commu- O Alimentarius Commission – cre- servatives) must be balanced against nicate with each other. ated by the World Health Organisation the harmful long-term educational The more junk you eat, the less room and Food and Agriculture Organisation impact of communicating to a child you have for foods which contain the to develop global food standards that his behaviour is controlled by chemicals the brain needs. This is not – that junk food advertising to young what he eats, particularly when this is to suggest that food advertisers are children should be banned. That clearly not true for the majority. In this regard, solely responsible for the decline in suggests recognition of the problem it should also be borne in mind that the nutrients we consume. As Graham and the will to do something about the use of a placebo treatment does Harvey’s new book We Want Real Food it, but it’s anyone’s guess when such a carry other risks, such as neglect of shows, industrial farming, dependent on ban will actually come into force in this other beneficial treatments, loss of artificial fertilisers, has greatly reduced country. self-esteem, and the possibility that an the mineral content of vegetables, while Meanwhile, some sectors of the ineffective diet may become a ‘punish- the quality of meat and milk has also food industry are desperate to coun- ment’, since it ‘deprives’ the child of declined. Nor do these findings sug- ter the anti-processed food message. many foods enjoyed by peer groups gest that a poor diet is the sole cause The Kellogg-sponsored South African and family.” of crime and antisocial behaviour. But Nutrition Expert Panel commissioned The message from the NIC, paid for by the studies I have read suggest that any the Nutrition Information Centre at the Kellogg, is clear – your child’s food intake government that claims to take crime University to Stellenbosch to compile a will not affect his behaviour, and depriv- seriously should start hitting the adver- “fact sheet” on hyperactivity in children. ing him of processed food could result in tisers. It concluded: “The potential benefits loss of self esteem. Scary stuff. In the UK, while drawing up its plans to control junk food adverts, the televi- sion regulator Ofcom held 29 meetings with food producers and advertisers and just four with health and consumer groups. The results can be seen in the consultation document it published. It proposes to do nothing about adverts among programmes made for children over nine and nothing about the adverts the younger children watch most often. As for television programming, Ofcom plans to regulate only the programmes made specifically for the under-nines. It claims that tougher rules would cost the industry too much. To sustain the share values of the commercial broadcasters, Ofcom is prepared to sacrifice the well- being of British children. At the European level, the collusion is even more obvious. Viviane Reding, the European media commissioner, recently spoke to a group of broadcasters about her plans to allow product placement in European TV pro- grammes (this means that the advertis- ers would be allowed to promote their wares during, rather than just between, the programmes). She complained that her proposal had been attacked by the European parliament. “You have to fight if you want to keep it,” she told the 315611 TV executives. “I would like to make it very clear that I need your support.”

noseweek June 2006 27 315611 Net assets Marike Roth

Farewell to civilization

“Civilisation as we know it is coming to an end soon … it is the scientific conclusion of the best paid, most widely-respected geolo- gists, physicists and investment bankers in the world. These are rational, professional, conservative individuals who are absolutely terrified by a phenomenon known as global ‘Peak Oil’”, says Matt Savinar, author of the site. Apparently it doesn’t matter that we have 40 years of the stuff left. The theory of Peak Oil is that oil production follows a bell curve. Once we hit the top of the curve and start our downward slide, production decreases year by year, even as demand for crude increases. HE END is nigh! Yeah right. We’ve been Worldwide, demand will outpace production hearing that forecast since the first … permanently. caveman saw a shooting star streak “…we may find ourselves slipping into what across the sky at midnight. some scientists are calling the post-industrial The Internet is full of thrilling theo- As we go back stone age,” says Savinar. Tries predicting the imminent demise of our Civilisation is completely reliant on cheap planet. Here’s a site with an amusing collec- to growing oil. Once the market realises that oil is a tion of apocalyptic prophecies worth visiting: dwindling resource, oil prices will skyrocket. www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/9941). potatoes and The price of everything will be out of reach All manner of prophets, doomsday cults and for everyone but the filthy rich, and so cause apocalyptic Bible prophecy sects are warning swapping a chain of events that will fling us into this of The End. The sun could collapse into a black “post-industrial stone age”. hole and the earth get sucked in along with it. homemade According to Savinar, our first warnings We could all freeze to death in a nuclear win- will be major fuel shortages and blackouts. ter or a stray comet might crash into the earth hooch for With rapidly increasing oil prices, businesses to ensure we shuffle off our mortal coil. won’t be sustainable. The economy will col- Then we have the god-botherers, always candles, lapse and banking systems will crash. There nagging on about the end being near because will be mass unemployment, homelessness our planet is full of spiritually filthy people countries will and anarchy … get the picture? and the pure are about to be whisked away in But come on, you cry, what about alternate The Rapture. Bring it on, I say. We’re over- be going to forms of energy — solar power, hydro-electric populated as it is. power, wind power, ocean thermal energy As for Y2K, come on, you know you bought war for the last conversion? Too expensive, say the noted that long-life milk, just in case. scientists. But, as I casually cruised the apocalyptic of the oil “The so called ‘alternatives’ to oil,” says prediction sites, something stopped me rudely Savinar, “are actually ‘derivatives’ of oil. in my tracks: Peak Oil theory, as explained Without an abundant and reliable supply of at www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net. (Please be oil, we have no way of scaling these alterna- warned: When entering, ensure you have a tives to the degree necessary to power the double Scotch or other suitable tranquiliser modern world,” handy.) Cheap oil fuels civilisation as we know it.

28 noseweek June 2006

Without oil, we will be reduced to liv- native labour to harvest the natural to live without toothpaste and toilet ing off the land and relying on what is resources of the conquered lands. (For paper. locally available. Chuck out the iPod, heaven’s sake, it was for their own I’m neither an economist nor a geolo- the computer, the mixer-mincer-shred- good!) gist, but the Peak Oil theory sounds der-liquidiser. Say goodbye to your car, But who’s laughing now, as civilisa- eerily convincing to me. Read it if you the washing machine, the telephone, tion jumps up to bite us on the bum? dare. Then please, somebody, say it and your embossed-for-extra-softness Soon we will have to go back to the old isn’t so! bathroom tissue. Gone will be a major ways, and hopefully there will still be Then maybe I can get back to worry- source of plastics and agricultural fer- some “savages” left to teach us how ing about The Rapture. tiliser And while we go back to growing potatoes and swapping our homemade hooch for a bag of candles, countries will be going to war for the last of the oil. So when will we reach Peak Oil pro- duction? Maybe we already have! Says Savinar: “Oil-dependant econo- mies will crumble and resource wars will explode.” Iraq anyone? Reaching for the Scotch yet? As America eyes oil-rich Iran, remember how the great nations of Europe took the gift of Western civili- sation to the dark corners of the world. Looking down their collective noses at the primal tribes, they gave them new clothing styles, a new god, and taught them the “godly” value of hard labour. And then they wisely used that

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R SIGMUND Freud (1856-1939), bless we perceive in others what we fail to per- his socks) was not a greenie. In ceive in ourselves. We’re very good at point- fact, the father of modern psychol- ing fingers at others’ misbehaviour, but ogy said that society’s essential incredibly bad at seeing our own. This can raison d’etre was to defend us explain why we habitually engage in envi- Dagainst uncontrollable, “cruel” nature. With ronmentally-destructive actions, but some- her earthquakes, floods and storms, she how refuse to acknowledge them. It’s always reminds us too keenly of our own “weakness someone else who’s wrecking the planet. and helplessness”, which we seek to escape In theory, then, if people become con- “through the work of civilisation”. sciously aware that they are projecting their Freud didn’t view humanity through own misbehaviours on to others, they can rose-tinted glasses. In fact, each of his stop pointing fingers outward and address books should come packaged with free the “real” inner problem. We could thus psychotherapy, as you’re going to want to trigger real behaviour change by making slit your wrists when you’re done reading. ourselves and others aware of our uncon- Whatever, according to Sigmund, we’re It’s a bit silly for sciously-driven environmental misbehav- rather pathetic creatures, who spend our iours. lives in more-or-less perpetual conflict with environmental But unconscious defence mechanisms our unconscious as we battle to suppress don’t give up without a fight. The ridiculous and control deep-seated animalistic, selfish, organisations to lengths we can go to in order to maintain and often irrational urges. In order to con- our defences against strong but uncomfort- tain these deep-seated impulses, we split off issue statements able impulses, such as nagging eruptions of our awareness of unwanted thoughts and conscience, was wonderfully illustrated by feelings, using tactics such as denial and calling for caps on the following recent neighbourhood encoun- repression – terms that should be familiar ter… to any modern-day consumer of paperback greenhouse gas Picture it: an average, high-summer after- pop psychology – to avoid having to deal noon in Morgenrood Road, Kenilworth, Cape directly with them. emissions while Town, during a time of water shortage. He was also, by today’s standards, a Stage right, a NoseArker waits patiently for sexist pig, who tended to view women as their top office- his chronically late partner to emerge from even more weak and irrational than men, some or other aromatherapy/yoga/ mas- and often feminised things that he consid- bearers drive sage/séance-with-the-ancestors-type session. ered cruel and undesirable (like nature). NoseArkers, being the hyperactive shit-stir- Saying “Freud” in a room full of female around in massive rers we are, don’t like waiting around. But psychologists should be a hanging offence, love is love, and our hero has to stay put for as you’re likely to trigger a very unpleas- fume-spewing half an hour. ant fatal crush in the rush for the door. His Stage left, a pleasant looking, 30- or 40- misogyny, unfortunately, often obscures and luxury vehicles somethingish woman, well-heeled (How discredits his important, world-changing do we know? She was barefoot), with and potentially very useful insights on the mid-length blondish hair is busy hosing nature of the unconscious, and the defences down her rather short, tarred driveway. we use to avoid dealing with important She’s accompanied by two matching black aspects of reality. poodles, and seems to enjoy her driveway Freud postulated that we’re able to have cleaning much more than we like doing the more control over ourselves, and deal with dishes. She’s certainly being very thorough our various psychological issues better, if about it. Every square inch gets properly we bring our unconscious thoughts and feel- sprayed. Particularly obstinate fallen leaves ings into the conscious, thereby being able don’t bother her – each one deserves special to process and deal with them more clearly. attention, getting about five litres of focused “Projection” is one of the main defensive spray to make sure it squeezes under her tactics we use when dealing with our uncon- tall white gates and into the newly-created scious, said Freud. Projection occurs when stream running down the street outside.

30 noseweek June 2006 NoseArk

It crosses our NoseArker’s mind pious-sounding: “You obviously don’t water supply’s sake, that she gets a that what our Hosing Heroine is doing care about our environment!” which is broom for her next birthday? might be illegal. Anyhow, it strikes instantly countered by an unconvinc- We’ve clearly got a long way to go him that, even if spraying your drive- ing but directly-pitched: “I do!” before we figure out how to psychologi- way isn’t against the law, it certainly When our valiant Arker laughs, she cally reprogramme the average Mr and seems like a helluva waste of water. takes the gap, desperate to make real- Ms to be more eco-friendly. A few of But he keeps it to himself, assuming ity — including the chortling source the more innovative green organisa- that, because the drive is so short and of her discomfort — disappear: “If tions overseas are just starting to try that the obviously literate lady must you knew who I was you wouldn’t say and use psychological theory to get know about the water shortage, she’ll that!” she declares, haughtily turning their message through better. We wish soon pack up and go inside. away from him. them well, but wonder if they shouldn’t But she doesn’t. Twenty minutes NoseArker cans the giggles and start with themselves. later she’s still laying down sheets of replies with a polite-but-strained: “Fair You see, our experience is that envi- water on to the drive. She seems to be ronmentalists make far greater use of trying to prove that asphalt is absorb- unconscious defences (especially projec- ent. tion) against their own misbehaviours, After minding his own business for than many other people. as long as he can bear, our NoseArker Have a beer with your average jumps out of his car, and in the most greenie, and you’ll soon figure out polite tones he can muster under the that everyone on the planet but the circumstances, asks her why she is aforementioned leaf-coloured one is using so much water on her short responsible for sending us all to hell. driveway. Everyone knows about the It’s the Americans, or George Bush, water shortage, and surely a broom or Africans breeding like rabbits. It’s could do the job? bloody Chinese industrialists destroy- Miss Goody Two-Poodles pretends ing the atmosphere. not to hear the question, and tensely Point out that he uses bird-killing, continues spraying, zillions of drops tumour-triggering pesticides on his whooshing rhythmically across the lawn, and he’ll tell you his wife made blacktop. Eventually she angrily him do it. He needs his massive, cli- mutters that she pays for all the mate change-accelerating 4x4 to get water she uses, and that it’s none of out and preserve nature. He doesn’t NoseArk’s business. recycle because he can’t fit it into his The stream continues flowing. schedule — saving the Earth takes a The NoseArker persists. Can’t she lot of time, you know. He needed to use a broom? invest in that golf estate to ensure his She responds with obscure threats, retirement income. Ad nauseum. and looks away, pretending not to see You usually get your message out him. The dogs look confused. more effectively if you walk your own He repeats his question. talk. It’s a bit silly for environmen- After some seconds she realises her tal organisations to issue statements tactic has failed. She turns to him calling for caps on greenhouse gas and, angrily and clearly, tells him emissions while their top office-bear- that she didn’t see his problem. She ers drive around in massive “never” washes down her driveway, fume-spewing luxury vehi- she announces. cles. Here at NoseArk we’ve “But you’re holding a gushing hose- noticed a lot of that kind of pipe in your hand as we speak,” says thing lately. the NoseArker. enough. Who are you?” It’s time for environmentalists to get “But I never do this, never!” says NoseArk still doesn’t know Miss on the analyst’s couch and do a little Miss Two-Poodles firmly, as the spar- Two-Poodles’ real name. When her navel-gazing. They might find that kling haitch-two-oh cascades down like amateurish bluff was called she pan- the reason the public often doesn’t Perrier from heaven on the shiny black icked and, calling her topiaried hounds take their message seriously is located tar around her glossy, painted toenails. to safety, retreated clumsily behind within themselves; perhaps rather too He’s temporarily stumped. Basic a door into her white-walled garden, deep within. logic and English combined seem too both her rose-pink lips and her PVC- This piece was inspired by Deborah much for our dogged dame. Perhaps an green hosepipe still spluttering. Du Nann Winter and Susan Koger’s appeal to conscience can reach her? He What can we do, other than to wish outstanding book, The Psychology of can only try. her well in any future driveway clean- Environmental Problems (Lawrence Hastily, our hero lets rip with a ing endeavours, and hope, for our Erlbaum Associates, 2003).

noseweek June 2006 31 32 noseweek June 2006 Wining Tim James

Grapes of wrath

INE-DRINKERS DON’T do it alone. It’s rather grand bottle: Beaucastel Châteauneuf- meant for sharing, preferably du-Pape 2001 (retailing for around R500). I over a meal: Wine-drinkers are decided to indulge myself absurdly. far above aiming for mere vulgar From which at least two lessons emerge. drunkenness. So claim its propa- Firstly: A wine-lover should always have a Wgandists, anyway, many of whom are rather substantial stock of wine – as many hundreds doubtful of spirits and even good-natured of bottles as possible, as well-stored as beer, and share the widespread unease about possible. Not only will your wine have a solitary pleasures. Fair enough. It’s also more chance to mature, but you will have more of a fun to discuss an interesting wine (for those choice, and, most importantly, you will wince who can contemplate the idea of a wine being less on opening expensive wine if you can interesting) with someone other than oneself. scarcely remember paying for it. But I confess to often drinking wine alone The second point is one that I stupidly – less (I think) because of my moroseness or ignored on this occasion, although I believe others’ dislike than because my evening meal in it deeply: Don’t spend a lot of money on is usually an unsocial affair. a bottle of serious wine which is designed So, offering a few lessons and opinions from to mature over five, 10, 20 years, and then the depth of my wisdom and experience, that murder it in its infancy. It is a waste of money: is the first: Drinking wine by yourself is fine, Often the grand wine won’t be as appealing in especially when it’s delicious. its youth as a more modest one, anyway, and Deliciousness is a factor sometimes will certainly not be delivering the qualities underrated by wine critics, and that’s another you are paying for. lesson, one which emerged in complex Don’t My expensive Beaucastel treat was not, ways from a recent experience. A month in fact, what I was wanting. The 2001 needs into enduring my house being invaded for murder an another decade before it opens into the joyous, painting, fixing and patching, I’d spent the complex wine it is going to be; as yet it is, day cowering on a sofa with two scared expensive frankly, rather tough and demanding. With dogs as, overhead, workmen lustily applied food, and splashed airily around in a decanter, paint to the iron roof with hammers. A it was more ingratiating, but still impressive shattering day. When the weary painters left wine in its rather than delicious…. I’d have enjoyed at five o’clock, the feeling of liberation was Sequillo more (or a humbler French equivalent overwhelming. I went in search of a bottle. infancy like a Guigal Côtes-du-Rhône, available locally Nothing intellectual or demanding; for somewhat less – around R90). something delicious and comforting was A legal aside: Unconnectedly, but as called for. That means red wine for me, noseweek readers seem to have an interest in generally of the Mediterranean varieties: our judiciary, I thought I should point out that shiraz, grenache, mourvèdre; unpretentiously embattled (as they say) Cape Judge President made, with no taste of new oak. The French John Hlophe is pretty keen on wine and on still do such wines best, particularly in making it: “Hlophe Shiraz” might already be the Rhône Valley. (Locally there are now in barrel, for all I know, at the as-yet-unnamed some good examples of these shiraz-based Paarl wine farm he owns along with six others. blends, especially from the Swartland One of these is Judge Braam Lategan – not area. Unfortunately the best are not cheap, someone I would immediately expect our new being priced for the international market: judicial eminences to be pals with. Lategan Lammershoek’s Roulette is R75 ex-farm (also an owner of another Paarl winery, (much more, retail); Black Rock Red is decent Domaine Brahms) achieved some notoriety in value at about R88, and Sequillo is my certain circles as one of the apartheid regime’s favourite, and sadly the priciest, at R121.) keenest “hanging judges” – he sent 29 people As I don’t have proper storage facilities to the gallows in one notably fruitful two-year apart from a wine-fridge, most of my wine is period in the mid-1980s alone. I always find kept elsewhere; and casting about in chaos, his wines to be of a particularly disconcerting all that I could find in this category was a shade of red.

noseweek June 2006 33 Last word Harold Strachan spits it

they don’t have to make 8. Let’s take a random number,” says Khazi, and writes one on an old envelope. “Then Squirrel cage we’ll add first 3+5 and then 5+3, like this,” and he dashes off line after line of incomprehensibilities. He hands me the envelope. “That’ll fix it,” says he. “Khazi,” say I, “you O THERE was this Ancient are even sparklier than Pythagoras!” Greek uncle named “Uhuh,” says he, with some hauteur. Pythagoras who did math- “Try that on somebody who knows ematics, you see, and he keyboard instruments.” So I take it to went about with his eyeballs an acquaintance who is a concert pian- Srolled back so he looked like a piece ist and teaches Theory of Music in the of Periclean sculpture of the period, Department on the Hill nogal, and no irises, and he went about like he looks at the envelope which says that because he was contemplat- 45+3+5=53.076 and 45+5+3=53.081. ing a certain comma, which he had “Bloody hell, man!” says he, “why can’t called the Comma of Pythagoras, you just enjoy the ordinary comfortable because nobody else went around things of life, like motor cars and nice examining his brain with his eyes Thai restaurants and the latest in digit- whilst thinking of it. Indeed, your al cameras so you can take thousands of ordinary Athenian in the street didn’t even hi-tech futile photographs of things and stick know what a comma was. them all over your fridge with small magnets Well, this one of Pythagoras went as fol- like pineapples and bananas and stuff?” lows: If you pluck a note of your own choice “True, true!” I exclaim. And soon I happen on your lute, say now middle-C, 440 cycles per upon a gent emerging from a wondrous sleek second, then go up eight notes and tune that black BMW motor car. “Nice car,” I observe. to 880 cps exactly, you will have a satisfying “Uhuh,” says he, with some hauteur. “Wow,” harmony of 1-2. Okay, sweet. But now if you say I, “what capacity engine, hey? I mean how tune within this octave a perfect third, doh, many CCs?” “Oh the manual has all that,” re, mi (three intervals) and a perfect fifth, fa he says. “I’m sure,” say I, “and how many so la ti doh (five intervals) you should get a kilowatts, hey?” He looks blank. “I mean, perfect eighth, the octave, but you don’t, you Indeed, your how many horsepower?” “No, the mechanic get a bit extra, and that’s what Pythagoras looks after all that,” says he, and it turns out was sweating about with his eyes rolled back ordinary he doesn’t even know where the electricity 180 degrees. The little bit extra is the comma. comes from for his spark plugs. Indeed all he Where did it COME from, hey? Many’s the Athenian in knows is the loud pedal is in the top right- further oompie, tannie too, who has spent hand corner and if you bang your foot on that an otherwise useful life in the squirrel cage* the street you will proceed from standstill to 160km/h in from contemplation of this thing, hairs grow- six seconds flat, and conversely, if you bang ing on the palms of their hands, blind, brain didn’t even your foot on the next pedal to the left you will turned to water in consequence of the obses- proceed from 160km/h to absolute zero in one sive mental manipulation. But, Life Must Go know what a second flat, spot-on the white line at the robot On, my dear! Just tune your piano with the without slithering or screeching or the vehicle octave chopped up into eight equal parts, so standing on its nose, leaving you only with each note is a tiny little bit sharp or a tiny lit- comma was bleeding eyes and navel from the negative-g tle bit flat, people will get used to it. Singers deceleration forces, and a permanent diagonal can handle the thirds and fifths by fiddling scar across your thorax where the safety-belt the system, and talk all that bollocks about goes. An old lady is taking her granddaughter having perfect pitch. for a nice pram ride and her mouth is now All this I describe to the student in the gaping wide in a terrible scream as in The flat downstairs, name of Khazi, which I think Battleship Potemkin just 15cm ahead of your means sparkle. He thinks for a bit. “Ja,” BMW and you can arch your eyebrows and he says, “there was this other dude called sigh condescendingly and slowly shake your Hamilton, I think, Scots, I think, in the eight- head at her. eenth century, I think, who also did math- And anyway I hear the food at the squir- ematics, and he had his own so-called Matrix rel cage is excellent, esp at Christmas, and if system, with a different slant on logic, but you’re permanent you even get a private room weird, man, weird. He would say that 3+5 is of your own. not the same as 5+3, it’s all sequential, and *Where the nuts are.

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