Killer Copy

in a Crisis

Words of wisdom from Herschell Gordon Lewis

Foreword by Drayton Bird

Brought to you by

Introduction

The King of Killer Copy

He was known around the world as the Herschell was a professor of English who “Godfather of Gore”. made words his weapon of choice and taught marketers how to use them skilfully Herschell Gordon Lewis was one of the by ‘poking ’em directly so they wouldn’t most extraordinary figures in the history forget ’em.’ of popular American moviemaking. A wizard of words and wisdom, Herschell He created his cult reputation producing published over thirty copywriting books and directing films such as Blood Feast, including Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings The Gore Gore Girls and A Taste of Blood (possibly inspired by his masterpiece back in the '60s. Blood Feast?), Sales Letters That Sizzle, Herschell introduced the world to a new and Open Me Now. genre of unprecedented blood-thirsty I got to know Herschell back in 2007. For ‘splatter’ movies which without doubt many years he wrote a monthly column inspired and influenced the likes of Robert called Copy Class for my magazine, Direct Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Marketing International. Over 50 years ago, Herschell understood In 2008 he met me from Fort Lauderdale how to fill cinemas with horror airport in his green, open-top Jaguar and enthusiasts by having his films banned. drove me to a film studio. We were there He introduced the power of provocative to film a subscription promo for DMI marketing to his work, decades before the magazine which Herschell wrote and advertising industry would begin using starred in. similar techniques. I watched the master at work as he His business plan was unique and very showed people 30 years his junior, effective. Release films that guaranteed different camera angles and microphone lots of blood, lots of screaming, lots of placement. He then jumped in front of nudity – and lots of money. the camera to deliver his lines. But the international direct marketing A snippet of the promo can be found later community knew him better as the King in this book. The gun was Herschell’s idea… of Killer Copy.

Page 1

“Don't get diarrhoea of the fingertips’ with overzealous sales copy.”

Herschell Gordon Lewis

Following that rather surreal day, we met for dinner once a year at the US Direct Marketing Association conference. Strolling through the trade show with him was an experience I won't forget. It was clear I was in the presence of a celebrity. I felt the vibe of the red carpet as exhibitors and visitors shouted greetings, smiled and waved, even saluted him. I was walking with royalty; the copywriter king. The following pages are a collection of Herschell's articles published from 2008 - 2010. After reading them again for the first time in many years, I realised how much his advice would still resonate with marketers Matt Edgar in 2020. gravity to anyone with the word marketing Twelve years ago, Herschell was writing in their job title. about the importance of innovative marketing in a financial crisis. Not this It also brings back fond memories of time one, the last one. spent with such an interesting character. Herschell was always great company and He charmed us with his views on the early enormously good fun. days of the social media charge and warned against ‘diarrhoea of the Matt Edgar fingertips’ with overzealous sales copy. Publisher I'm biased of course, but it's an Global Marketing Alliance entertaining read, offering insight and September 2020

Page 2

Foreword

Your chance to meet a most remarkable, funny and perceptive man

When you read these columns you will meet a delightful, witty and wise companion. For Herschell really knew what he was talking about, and did so with pith and wit. But let me tell you about the man I met. Ordinary people do not have extraordinary ideas. Nor do they achieve ordinary things. That’s because extraordinary people think and act differently to the rest of us. I first came across Herschell in a magazine called Direct Marketing over 40 years ago. Drayton Bird He wrote a monthly column. And yes, it was The Chartered Institute of Marketing extraordinary. named Drayton one of the 50 shapers of I recall he once ran a whole series of pieces modern marketing. During some 60 revealing 100 ways in which you could begin years he's worked in over 55 countries a piece of direct mail. with every brand from American Express to Volkswagen ... writing copy He and his wife went on safari in South for everything from Airbus to Peppa Pig. Africa with my wife and I, around the time draytonbird.com Nelson Mandela was released from prison.

Page 3 They were delightful company. And he had many talents. He was a very shrewd businessmen – and he even wrote But how I wish I had known him better. the music for his films. For Herschell was not even remotely His best-known theme is “The South Gonna ordinary. Rise Ag’in” from Two Thousand Maniacs, Like another well-known and brilliant part of his infamous blood trilogy with Blood marketer, Gary Halbert, he spent a little Feast and Color Me Blood Red. time in jail. But why not meet him for yourself? And if you search his name on the internet Online you can find a splendid clip of him in you soon realise direct marketing was by no his eighties leading a crowd in a sing-along means his only talent. of that excellent composition. He was infinitely better known for his But perhaps the best way to show that his film making. thoughts in this book are more than worth His nickname was the "Godfather of Gore". your while is HERE He specialised in making extraordinarily Read the book - and swear off being ordinary. nasty, blood-splattered films, devoid of even the slightest tincture of good taste. Drayton Bird. September 2020

Page 4

Contents

Where’s Rosser Reeves when we need him 06 I never said it would be easy 08 Why am I contacting you, of all people 10 A few more modest proposals 12 How are you keeping score? 14 What are they talking about? 16 Untangling the lion’s mane 18 Live long and prosper 20 Sliding into the ‘gimme’ era 22 Stock is schlock 24 Avoiding the circular file 26 A (not so) fond look at ‘magalogue’s’ 28 Clichés in both directions 30 A quick midsummer primer 32 You’re in the right place 34 Too many friends for intimacy 36 Revisiting the four great laws 38 Tweet, tweet. Are we happy? 40 The little foxes that spoil the vines 42 Is print still breathing? 44 Aww, ain’t that sad! 46 Is ‘social’ really sociable? 48

Page 5

Where’s Rosser Reeves when we need him

March 2008

ost copywriters don’t know who MRosser Reeves was. Pity. That this fellow isn’t part of their historical base isn’t surprising. Rosser Reeves died a quarter of a century ago. That was before the major sophisticating factor, the world wide web, existed as a commercial medium. Reeves would be 100 years old next year, if he were still alive. So any influence he might have wielded would be obsolete. Right? Wrong! Using this technique, he fathered some timeless advertising campaigns, such Veterans of our ongoing war to force as M&M candy (‘Melt in your mouth, our fair market share of whatever we’re not in your hand’) and Pepsodent selling, not only remember Rosser toothpaste (‘You’ll wonder where the Reeves but – if we’re smart enough, yellow went’). astute enough, and savvy enough – apply a principle he codified. Eventually, the advertising world concluded that he was playing a one- Reeves headed Ted Bates, an string fiddle, and his approach fell into advertising agency (long since disfavour. absorbed into one of those multi- agency conglomerates). It’s time to resuscitate, especially in our vibrant world of direct response The seminal year for his claim to which has posted the bans for immortality was 1961, the year in formalising nuptials with the web. which he published a book titled, ‘Reality in Advertising’. What USP can offer us What separates USP from all those In that book, he explained a other ‘Here’s how to sell’ advisories philosophy of dynamic marketing he was and is a double-barrelled called USP – the unique selling philosophy. proposition.

Page 6 “Powerful presentation of a unique selling proposition is where the top-level copywriter and the potential buyer get married”

The first barrel, one that a majority of Regrettably, yes. advertising agencies resisted then and resist now, was an approach based on Three explanatory quotes the proposition that product claim is All of us who toil in the direct a more powerful sales weapon than response creative dungeons can brand image. benefit from Rosser Reeves’ explanations of what he meant by The second barrel refines the first: benefit. Find and exploit what most people, exposed to your message, will accept These are codified in three linked as a benefit unique to your product or statements that have survived for service. That concept eliminates the almost half a century. too common ‘fish for it’ approach The first statement: typified by laundry lists – ‘18 reasons why you should buy now’. “Unless a product becomes outmoded, a great campaign will not Powerful presentation of a unique wear itself out.” selling proposition is where the top- level copywriter and his/her lawful The second statement: prey, the unaware potential buyer, get “I'm not saying that charming, witty married. The buyer is more than a and warm copy won’t sell. I’m just buyer. He or she is an advocate, saying I've seen thousands of because response is to a claim charming, witty campaigns that didn’t competitors might have made but sell.” haven’t made. And the third statement: The reaction to a USP-generated message, properly worded, parallels “You must make the product the reaction to a one-to-one interesting, not just make the ad encounter with a merchant who different. And that's what too many of points out to you specific reasons why the copywriters . . . don't yet you should take advantage of the understand.” offer. OK? A complicated approach? Here’s my own statement: No. Go thou and do likewise Regarded as too basic by too many marketers?

Page 7

I never said it would be easy

April 2008

ost of us accept as standard, interest in the vendor? That’s true Ma ‘given’, a peculiarity of whether we’re selling apples or marketing. Some of the worst services. advertising, email solicitations, and The heading on this advert: ‘Mail web offerings are for . . . yes, you’re Order Consultant’ right on: advertising and marketing experts. A numbing number of our The text is bullet copy, mentioning 20 tribe, who ask clients to pay for years’ experience . . . catalogues, marketing expertise, exhibit a total lack media, e-commerce. And that’s it, of that expertise in their own hoopla. except for name, address, and email address. Well, yes, it’s accurate (I A quick example is an advert in the suppose). But wouldn’t that same classified section of a direct marketing consultant advise a client to pitch publication (no, not this one). The benefit, rather than a sterile listing? chap is a consultant. All right, what does a consultant do? He or she I’d have checked this consultant’s consults. Oh, thanks, that’s very website, but all he lists is his own email helpful. Doesn’t it make sense to word address. If I were a prospective client, an advertising message so it generates I’d have zero impulse to contact him.

Page 8 “A numbing number of our tribe, who ask for clients to pay for their expertise, exhibit a total lack of that expertise in their own hoopla.”

‘Exposure’ doesn’t parallel Once again, why doesn’t one of the salesmanship honchos at that company ask the rational question of whoever generates promotional messages: “If you were on Here’s one for data entry. The heading the phone with a caller who wants us is the company name, big and bold, to explain why we should be his or her dwarfing this single line of copy: letter shop, use whatever you’d say as wording for our advert.” ‘A full service data entry & processing company. We offer quality and ‘What’s in a name?’ ‘My efficiency for less.’ (Why the name is Legion.’ ampersand, a push-away? Plenty of room exists for the word ‘and’, as they Whether you’re in sync with proved in the second sentence.) Shakespeare or the Bible, the value of a name is hog-tied to familiarity Am I breaking a butterfly on the rack with the name. The key copy in many when I ask this consultant: “If a paid notices by creative and analytic prospect asks you why he or she suppliers is the individual’s name. should do business with you, would Does that have the impact and you answer, ‘We are a full service data significance of a promise of benefit? entry and processing company. We offer quality and efficiency for less’? The answer is loaded with mud, Or would you name a few competitive because if Bill Shakespeare offers to or comparative advantages?” be your creative consultant, you (and certainly I) would make the deal even A bigger-than-most display classified with no immediate need. If Glutz J has as its heading: ‘Everything you Zilch offers to be your creative need to prepare your mailing lists’ consultant, sans personal exposure to Oh? Such as? The text is inspirational his reputation the offer would float in but not specific: ‘Save postage and permanent limbo. time with the #1 selling postal Enough on this point. I’m out of space automation software.” and you’re out of patience. A final That would be a logical introduction imperative from the outside: With for postal automation software, but exceptions too few to be a common because this company is a letter shop factor, benefit brings greater response and does pre-sorting and duping and than ego. barcode printing, they’re software Come to think of it, that works for users, not software vendors. interpersonal relationships too.

Page 9

Why am I contacting you, of all people

May 2008

he creeping blight of hyper- We’re on a professional plateau, and Tspecialisation has a nasty by- part of professionalism – a big part of product we have to avoid if we’re professionalism – is not only sharing worthy of the title Professional responsibility but assuming Communicator. responsibility. That side-effect or ‘obbligato’ theme or It isn’t all that complicated whatever we might choose to label it, is The copywriter who doesn’t ask who the splitting of responsibility. I write the specific targets are, then aims the copy for you. My job is finished and I copy bullet-like at those targets, isn’t a go on to the next project. She designs professional copywriter. the advert or the mailer. Her job is finished and she goes on to the next The production artist or designer who project. They supply lists, based on pleases his or her mirror instead of what demographic they think an offer designing for maximum appeal to of this type might find attractive. Their specific targets isn’t a professional job is finished and they go on to the production artist or designer. next project. The printer finds paper The list company that chooses lists stock and runs the job. The printer’s because of fear they’ll lose a list owner job is finished, and that supplier goes if they don’t recommend this one, or on to the next job. because somebody in the office has a The mailing fails. Who takes any relationship with one of the companies responsibility for the flop? Nobody. whose list is available, isn’t a professional list company. That’s quite in sync with current sociology as well as commerce – The printer who chooses a paper nobody is responsible. because he has a pallet of that paper stock on the floor, when a different I murder my neighbour. Hey, it isn’t stock might better enhance the offer, my fault: I had an unpleasant isn’t a professional printing source. childhood. Ultimate result You angrily drive a truck into a group Every supplier, internal and external, of children. Hey, it isn’t your fault: contributes positively or negatively to Your spouse spilled coffee on the the ultimate result. carpet this morning and the coffee had cream, which means it may leave a My copy was too. . . her layouts didn’t permanent stain. lend emphasis where emphasis should have been . . . the lists were used to Let the sociologists (and the law) deal death on competing offers before ours with those aberrations.

Page 10 “Times are tough. Times are always tough but we’re supposed to be professionals.”

popped up . . . using newsprint You say your advertising agency instead of heavy enamel would have wants your adverts to be in full colour had greater verisimilitude. because that way they’ll stand out Or, my copy was on target. The more, and they’re recommending a layouts and illustrations matched. publication whose rates are The lists were targeted. The recipient formidable? Oh? looked at the mailing and decided to Is the periodical loaded with full- open it instead of tossing it into the colour ads, so a two-colour ad actually circular file. might seize more eye-attention, and Response may not have been optimal, has the agency actually negotiated but absolutely and positively it would rates on your behalf? have been greater than response to a Times are tough. In fact, times always mailing that reflected a bunch of are tough. But we’re supposed to be disconnected pieces. professionals and we should care about one factor and only that factor: A system for all media maximising response. Does that I chose direct mail as an example, but conclusion seem hard-boiled, that’s all it is . . . an example. calloused, coldly analytical? You say your webmaster wants Excellent! control over the way your email and home page will look? Oh? Is your Let’s have more of it . . . and we’ll webmaster thinking of response or of have more reason to claim the title showing off technical skills? Professional.

Page 11

A few more modest proposals

June 2008

ave I made this suggestion to you? But no, no, not for us. We’re HEschew obfuscation. communicators. If you object to that suggestion, you’re Like or impress dangerous on two separate levels: First, One of our communicative weapons is you understood that pompous vocabulary suppression. imperative. Second, you don’t agree with the notion. Our charge is establishment of rapport, and test after test – even with targets Every one of us is a creature crudely whose own affiliation is within the self- compounded of habits and prejudices. proclaimed sacred territories of (I’m eliminating flesh, bones, and fat, education and medicine – tells us ‘Look because our sacred marketing domain how super-literate I am’ text or speech is cerebral, not tissue-driven.) diminishes response instead of Human targets enhancing response. When our habits and prejudices match A simple litmus test: Pretend you’re at those of the human targets we’re trying a dinner party, sitting next to someone to hit with words and pictures, the you want to like you. wonderful word rapport rises out of Note the difference between someone the steam. you want to like you and someone Ah, but when we take a patriarchal you want to impress. The difference is posture, we parallel failed artists who the difference between equivalence conclude smugly, as they starve, ‘The and superiority. world is mad. ‘I’m the only sane one.’ In the antediluvian period (long ago, Suppress that vocabulary ending with the death of dinosaurs and The name of the aberration is naïveté around 1980), people flocked to Ponderous Writing Syndrome. (I can the feet of those who claimed call it anything I like, and so can you, superiority . . . because there seemed to so feel free to re-title.) Pedants, who be the possibility of an indescribable live in constant fear that their reliance cachet. No more. on multisyllabic terminology is based We’re in the age of scepticism, in on the one-string fiddle of expertise in which people look for holes in the a nondescript speciality, depend on personality-fabric. Ponderous Writing (and for that matter, ponderous speaking) to Notice anything? protect their position within that In the previous paragraph I used the narrow universe. word antediluvian. It’s a perfectly sound Anglo-Saxon word, technically

Page 12 “Good copy should not be larded with overblown and obscure language”

meaning ‘before the flood’. If you thanks to the world wide web, which noticed it, understood it, and has superimposed verbalisms on shrugged in mild disgust at what written communications. you regard as a pomposity, you So, writing marketing text larded with understand the difference between a big, overblown, obfuscatory words is perfectly sound word and a sales as easy as a visit to Roget’s or right- worthy word. clicking ‘synonym’ in your word Negatively, not positively processing program. In a retail situation, a vendor who tries Using convivial, rapport-inducing to impress you with technical terms or words is as easy as pretending you’re verbosity impresses you negatively talking as you stroll or sharing a rather than positively. Verbal Pinot noir. terminology and written terminology Cheers! are of a piece today, thanks or no

Page 13

How are you keeping score?

July 2008

ome advertising agencies may In clearer terms, it means the message Snot agree with the philosophy should aim itself at a valid inquiry or an I advocate. order. ‘Image’, as such, may win the Most direct marketers should agree beauty contest; but as an overall with the philosophy I advocate. criterion of success, image winds up in second place. Just what is that philosophy? Whether your medium is direct mail, The ‘Branding’ Myth newspapers, magazines, television, I take issue with the mantra, telephone, or the world wide web, the ‘Marketers are creatively using the purpose of your message should be to internet to raise awareness and generate a positive response. affection for their brands.’ No, no, not because the statement is untrue. And what is a positive response? Rather, it’s because the statement It isn’t a prospective customer or client glorifies an apparent waste. saying: 'I love you.” It’s a prospective If I’m sending an email on behalf of a customer or client saying: 'I want to television programme or a political marry you.” candidate or a funeral director,

Page 14 “Few are willing to commit suicide because a mortician is offering a ‘special’ this week.”

branding and image are logical experimental, embryonic phase rationales and copy can exalt to and the hypercompetitive era hadn’t the heavens. yet dawned. But that isn’t marketing. It’s Ah, but that was yesterday. And, as retention. Tuning to a TV channel and much as we may look backward with deciding to consider voting for a nostalgia, we look at our computer politician requires some thought but screens today with hunger. no expenditure of money. And few are Click-through rates are the appetiser, prepared and willing to commit not the main course. Competition in suicide because a mortician is offering any field we can think of is brutal; a ‘special’ this week. and branding, a safe haven for its The web, that insatiable science- advocates because comparatively they fiction monster whose cornerstone is don’t measure response by actual and emphasis on comparison, is price- countable response, may look superb driven. I welcome as a competitor when comparing design and anyone whose copy is supposed to taglines… but not so superb when offer something for sale and whose comparing bottom lines. copy values image over offer. A ‘name’ brand has an implicit Some of the most venerable ‘names’ advantage going into the arena: in the world of commerce are People have heard of it. teetering on the edge of insolvency or For the brand to triumph in the have toppled over it. 2008-2010 battle for (to corrupt the Some of the new hotshots in the famed A E Housman quote) crowns world of commerce have leapt into and pounds and guineas, the the foreground of their fields because marketer should use its reputation as their attention has been to ‘Here’s the a competitive weapon against the deal’ . . . not ‘Here is who we are’. inevitable intruders . . . not as a Forget 1995. This is 2008 traditional crutch. Back in the antediluvian era – say, Want to sell something to today’s 1995 – web pioneers pointed with impatient, sceptical, internet-wise glee to their click-through rates. consumer or business target? At the time, that may have been a Your message should answer the criterion carrying some validity, inevitable final question: ‘What’s because the medium was still in its your deal?’

Page 15

What are they talking about?

August 2008

eading the ‘expert’ comments of OK, quickly: As fast as you can, Rself-appointed authorities is at verbally repeat ‘multifaceted search best amusing . . . and at worst, campaign’ three times. That’s a mild confusing. indicator. The word ‘utilise’ is another. Here’s a key sentence from a by-lined And you won’t have to dig around to article about web marketing, in a trade find the acronyms, because I’ve magazine: checked them. ‘With press release optimisation, SEO means, as many know, search brands can proactively utilise search to engine optimisation. SMO is the more distribute their message.’ arcane social media optimisation, and I can’t quarrel with that conclusion . . . I admit cheerfully that even after because I can’t decipher it. looking this up I haven’t a clue what it means. Long ago, I discarded ‘utilise’ from my rhetorical tool- kit because that word – Maybe I’m too anti-social . . . the result along with, incidentally, ‘proactive’ – is of over-optimising. a symptom of pomposity, just as a Gee, I never knew that chronic cough is a symbol of having One reason I remember so well a smoked too many cigarettes. keynote speaker’s key notes – used to ‘Optimisation’ is on the border, start the speech and also to end it – teetering, because in a usage such as was this deep, thoughtful the quotation quoted here, the word is superficiality: “The past is gone. The used to define itself. present is here. The future is yet to come.” Ever hear of clarity, guys? In the same publication (and this is Now, who can quarrel with that load of current, not one from the year 1908 fresh guano? when all the current buzzwords and I thought of it again when I read these acronyms weren’t even in embryo) is words by another by-lined expert: ‘A this profundity: sound search engine strategy comes ‘You would utilise these long-tail or down to optimising your content, ‘fusion’ keywords to formulate a managing it and knowing where to multifaceted search campaign across send it.’ other channels at your disposal that No wonder this chap is an expert! He’s include SEO, SMO and video SEO.’ reduced the obvious to the trivial, not

Page 16 “Long ago, I discarded ‘utilise’ from my rhetorical tool-kit.”

an easy task especially when leaning If you’re feeling especially noble or on that ‘optimising’ crutch. courageous, add ‘utilise’. Don’t worry May we take a mutual pledge, one about ‘proactive’ because if that has that will do much to optimise our own settled into your lexicon like a BSO (b.s. optimisation)? chronic cough, you’re too far gone to hope for expiation. For one whole day, just one, eschew any version of ‘optimise’ from both conversation and written communication.

Page 17

Untangling the lion’s mane

September 2008

have a sometime client who markets “Recent research shows that Ivitamins and supplements. (I say suppressing the formation of ‘sometime’ because often he prefers to osteoclasts can delay or improve write his own copy, coming to me for osteoporosis. Osteoclasts are opinions when he can’t figure out how significant in dissolving older bones, to popularise the obfuscatory with new bone formation formed by terminology a supplier attaches to a osteoblasts, subject to hormonal product. I’m a nut for supplements, guidance for proper function. and if a job is just tweaking a “By suppressing the activity of paragraph or two, the barter system osteoclasts, it is possible to prevent and may apply – words for stuff.) improve osteoporosis. The compound Worthy of a report in the distinguished from, of all things, a mushroom publication you’re reading was his commonly called Lion’s Mane, involving description of an over-the-counter hericium erinaceus, performed this supplement: function, and the compound now is available commercially.”

Page 18 “The marketer was too wrapped up in what his own supplier had sent. Once we have a saleable name, we can scrap the tech-talk.”

A self-answering question Ammunition pours out at us, and, If you were interested in the potential through us, at our targets. The stuff onset of osteoporosis, would that combats not only osteoporosis but description grab you? Alzheimer’s, the immune system, and who knows what else. The most common differential separating ‘suppliers’ from Just one more piece to this mini- ‘marketers’ . . . and, dodgier for us, puzzle. If you’re selling it to me, don’t separating marketers from consumers refer to Lion’s Mane as a mushroom. . . . is the attitudinal gap. I’ve written Not only does that downgrade the about it in these pages before. image, but you should know in The vendor’s interest: What it is. The advance: I don’t mind lions but I’m prospective buyer’s interest: What it not fond of mushrooms. will do for me. I flag you down, using any means of communication I can find, and say breathlessly: “Don’t you want some hericium erinaceus?” Your logical reply: “Get lost.” How easy – in fact, how primitive – it is to check Google or Wikipedia to get a sales worthy name. Hericium erinaceus is Lion’s Mane, a mushroom with a cascade of tiny tentacles that, with enough imagination, looks like a lion’s mane. Choosing your weaponry So OK, we now have Lion’s Mane rather than the Linnaean taxonomy. A reasonably bright eight-year-old could make that transition. The marketer, too wrapped up in what his own supplier had sent, didn’t make the transition. Once we have a saleable name, we can scrap the tech-talk and centre on the seller/sellee difference.

Page 19

Live long and prosper

November 2008

hat four-word incantation was a If that’s your target, your copy should T‘Hail and farewell’ as verbalised emphasise the ‘Are you aware…’ or, if by an actor playing the role of an off- you’re a bold marketer, ‘Aren’t you world semi-human. aware . . . ’ factor, followed by your offer In our direct marketing on-world, of the solution to what otherwise, you with respected and well-established point out logically and with a sales marketers wondering what they can worthy overtone, is an impending crisis. do to maintain sales volume in a Category 3 declining market, ‘Live long and The individual or business at whom or prosper’ should be a heavy imperative at which you’re aiming feels immune for market-savvy innovation. from ‘tough times’ economic forces. Note the qualifier. Innovation per se is If that’s your target, you have to always available. What we’re after in make your point indirectly by these lean times is market-savvy apparently ridiculing competitors, innovation. even those peripherally parallel, Target your targets who share that view. Any generalised explanation You’d follow that with an explanation necessarily bypasses the subtle of why those competitors are lesser- differences between elements. So I’ll level marketers who won’t have the offer no apology for dividing direct opportunity to benefit from your copy into three easy categories: offer that this knowledgeable marketer enjoys. Category 1 The individual or business at whom or Is it universal? at which you’re aiming is deeply ‘Live long and prosper’ is itself damaged by a faltering Economy. generalised enough to act as a coat of If that’s your target, your copy should varnish over any direct marketing emphasise that you’re as aware of the mailing, email, broadcast commercial, problem as he/she/it is and that’s why or total campaign. you’re offering the solution to what But, as any professional painter will otherwise is an impending crisis. attest, a coat of varnish isn’t genuine protection. It’s a cover, not a rebuild. Category 2 The individual or business at whom or I certainly hope you share my at which you’re aiming doesn’t objection to ‘consultants’ and ‘experts’ associate his/her/its position with and ‘specialists’ and ‘advisors’ who outside economic forces. operate on a hit-and-run basis,

Page 20 “What we’re after in these lean times is market-savvy innovation.”

dispensing oversimplified guidance innovation, you treasure that that under battle conditions relationship. As times get tougher, offers neither uniqueness nor your marketing superiority becomes market-savvy innovation. more pronounced. Softening this vicious damnation, Whew! when you have at your elbow a Oh, a final imperative: Make your consultant or expert or specialist or contact with your target fast. That advisor whose operational plan (or, means now. Timeliness always boosts considerably better for you and more the recipient’s sense of urgency . . . professional for that source, actual and a boosted sense of urgency means copy) offers the winning amalgam of a boosted percentage of response. uniqueness plus market-savvy

Page 21

Sliding into the ‘gimme’ era

December 2008

n good times and bad, a primary Respectable? Hah! Even in the earliest Ibuying motivator – usually the pre-holiday period, the slump in sales primary buying motivator – is greed. was so pronounced that retailers and mail order vendors were laying off staff. In one form or another – and in every mass medium including print, The question on the table isn’t the broadcast and online – when we test standard, ‘How can I increase sales?’ copy approaches, a logical and readable but the more multi-worded, ‘How can I test is application, as a selling rationale, increase sales when my entire potential of one of the great motivators against market has shrunk?’ another. And, except for non-profit In its traditional short form or in its mailings to dedicated co-religionists, pre-2009 length, the question has as its greed tends to win. safest answer the old standby, greed. Just in case you haven’t updated your Yes, yes, I know the old saw, ‘All references lately, the great motivators generalisations are false, including this are fear, exclusivity, greed, guilt, and one’. But assuming that Greed-Über- need for approval. Two ‘soft’ Alles prevails 90 per cent of the time, motivators, convenience and pleasure, wouldn’t you prefer being on the easy can help build credibility, impact and side of that equation? impulse. And, if you’re fundraising for an extremist group and are absolutely Altruism and price certain the list reflects comrades-in- Here is a ‘compound’ search engine, philosophy, you can unsheathe a GoodShop. The announced purpose of dangerous powerhouse – anger. the search engine is to combine Sales slump eleemosynary altruism with advantageous prices. So here we are, on the cusp of 2009, with marketers aghast at the OK, let’s check out that site. A three- lack of sales, and potential customers point checklist at the top of the home and clients aghast at their lack of page is clear enough: buying power. 1) Choose your cause. What safeguards might a marketer use 2) Shop online. to maintain at least a respectable sales 3) Donate. volume in such a poisonous marketplace? The text says, ‘Up to 30 per cent of your purchase will go to your cause.’

Just a couple of problems here:

Page 22 “B2B marketers have long since recognised that ‘customer loyalty’ and ‘customer greed’ are synonyms.”

Nowhere does it say that the donation Troll under the bridge to the ‘cause’ is identifiably from the An absolute mantra for maintaining individual; and once one chooses a any semblance of sales pace during cause, changing it isn’t possible. No what’s left of the holiday shopping major disaster there, but why is the season, and the impending impulse-choice a lock-in? ‘Everything must go’ advertising in Oh, well, from their list let’s pick one the post-holiday season, is awareness – how about Hotels.com, which is an of the web as the troll under the immediate discount source with or marketing bridge. without the donation? Business-to-business marketers have Ahhh . . . immediately beneath the long since recognised that ‘customer Hotels.com listing is ‘Deals and loyalty’ and ‘customer greed’ are coupons’. Click and up comes a synonyms. Catering to reality may be Rebate Coupon. That’s good for unpleasant . . . but it certainly is more greed, but how much do we save at a pleasant than ignoring reality. specific hotel and how much goes to If you can combine potent selling our charity? Well, we’ll select Las copy with any evidence that ‘This is Vegas just out of the cussedness the only place and the only time you extruded from the recent DMA can get this deal’ – note the conference there. descriptive noun, ‘evidence’, not the A ‘deluxe’ room at the venerable noun so often linked to advertising, Flamingo, three pre-holiday nights, is ‘claim’ – then enjoy your holiday ours for $155.55 per night, total season. $466.65. If you can’t, the alternative is leaning Uh-oh. By checking directly with the on your multi-buyers with what’s left hotel, three nights in that room are of any vendor’s diminishing store of ours for US$315.00. So, for most ammunition: “We’re in this together, potential cause-donors, three sets of my brother, and that’s why we’re damages have occurred: making this offer to you.” Do you have the wherewithal to test those 1) Hotels.com has lost its patina. two possibilities against each other? 2) GoodShop.com has lost its patina. Every reader of this publication will 3) The concept of combining a be highly interested in the results discount with a donation has lost each approach generates. its patina.

Page 23

Stock is schlock

January 2009

’m looking at a space ad in an Iadvertising publication, for a company that markets . . . what? The ad shows a stack of poker chips. The heading: ‘Are Your Customers All-In?’ The first line of text: ‘Like a set of aces in the hole, a strong online brand will give your customers the confidence to go all in.’ Oh? How? Scrolling down provided a OK, repeat – the company markets . . . clue: what? ‘A unique marketing agency offering Adverts such as this typify a ghastly and custom web design and branding apparently unending trend toward non- services . . . differentiating our communicative self-approval. How do I company from traditional ad agencies, give my customers the confidence to go web design companies and graphic all-in? And what is all-in? design firms through our ‘marketing first’ focus, which is infused into our The text continues: custom website design, brand rejuvenation process and our ‘Your brand will build such value and innovative marketing strategies.’ trust that your customers will be eager to cash in.’ Enough of that. I was too all-in to bother finding out more. Huh? Purely because of annoyance – and Off into the jungle maybe that was the reaction this ad Here’s another advert, in another was gunning for – I went to the marketing magazine. The heading: advertiser’s website, a listing that was ‘Thirsting for deeper information on the only clear wording in the advert. B-to-B marketing?’ On the web I had to scroll down for information, because the opening The illustration is a stock photo of a screen wasn’t much help: man, mouth agape, holding an empty water bottle. ‘Need to rejuvenate your current brand? Creating a new brand? We can help.’ Yuck.

Page 24 “Illustration should agree with what we are selling, not with headline copy”

On into the same magazine, another first place: ‘paradigm’.) In ancient advertiser. Black full bleed (of course) 20th century times we called such page, all type reversed (of course). aberrations ‘Hucksterisms’. The heading: A headline might say: ‘The Player.’ The picture is a stock ‘We’ll stand on our heads to shot of a man in a white dinner jacket. please you.’ He looks grim. He holds a cigar, The illustration would be people aimed outward weapon-like. standing on their heads. First line of text: A headline might say: ‘He is smart. He is manipulative. He ‘It’s a piece of cake.’ has his eye on something that you have and he knows how to get it . . . his The illustration? Ah, how bright you way. Play the game right and you’ll win are to envision a piece of cake. him over.’ A necessary rule Another advert, in a fund raising The Illustration Agreement Rule was publication. Another stock shot, this valid then, and it’s super-valid in this one of a man leaping into the air. era of shortened attention spans: The heading: Illustration should agree with what we’re selling, not with headline copy. ‘Exceed your expectations.’ (I really didn’t have any expectations . . .) May I make a modest proposal for the year 2009, a year in which any logical Yet another, this one in a high- prognostication is that attention- circulation business magazine. The spans will continue to sink and illustration is a stock shot of a jellyfish. obfuscation will continue to The headline: contribute to those sinkings? ‘Jellyfish are mostly passive drifters.’ Just for this one year, don’t use stock shots as your key illustration and Text doesn’t disappoint those of us don’t ignore the Illustration who expect nothing. It begins: Agreement Rule. ‘They can’t proactively change That way, you can stay in business for direction but you can’. the whole year, which will make it Yeah, I’d like to change ‘proactive’, possible for us to have a lovely re-visit my second least favourite word. (In as we enter the year 2010.

Page 25

Avoiding the circular file

April 2009

n unscientific conclusion: The key line of copy requires quite a A bit of breath: About half the practitioners of direct ‘Our Land Rover factory-trained marketing began their perilous careers technicians have a vast amount of before the web was a factor. About half Land Rover experience and, along with entered what we arrogantly call a the latest generation computers and ‘profession’ after the web began its software, we are able to offer hypercompetitive leap to marketing everything from a simple safety prominence . . . then dominance. inspection to engine replacement.’ We now have copywriters who Aside from a basic problem – I traded ‘specialise’ in web copy. Is this parallel my Range Rover for a less-exotic to medical doctors who specialise in a vehicle 11 years ago – a sentence too specific ailment, referring patients long to recite aloud without taking a whose problem lies outside their orbit breath, and too vague to offer a specific to other specialists? benefit, is a loser. One benefit web specialists enjoy is What’s the online approach from this that they don’t risk having heavily- company, which calls itself ‘An produced messages tossed, by the independent dealership’? hundreds or thousands, into The home page shows a silhouetted wastebaskets. That point was driven Rover with a bunch of assumedly home to me as I reached into my own human whatevers sitting on the roof wastebasket, looking for grist to feed and the line: this rhetorical mill. ‘Drive your own road.’ Whose fault is it? Here’s a jumbo postcard from my local Rover dealer. What’s the point of this card? The face of it says: ‘Bring this card in for 10% off your service.’ Yeah, I know that one, fellows. If you want to achieve ten per cent verisimilitude, offer a flat amount of pounds or euros or dollars. I’m not holding my breath.

Page 26 “Who are these people, cluttering up our tidy, direct response universe?”

Huh? Ah, here’s a recognisable be that in fear of Tata, the muscular imperative – ‘Enter’. new owner of Rover and Jaguar, ancillary suppliers don’t know how to Entering, the awful truth emerges: organise competitive campaigns? This place isn’t a dealer, which explains ‘An independent dealership’ Specificity sells on the card. Set in green sans-serif Nothing else matters. type is a semi-headline: May I introduce a brutal truth into ‘Welcome to a world of 4-wheeled the sagging, staggering 2009 exploration, discovery and marketplace? Artificial inspiration is exhilaration. Welcome to a place not only out of fashion, it’s out of where it is better to live life the date. The card from the ‘Independent British Rover way.’ dealership’ was just one I pulled out Then, black, set in a smaller of a stack I had already tossed, a Roman face: mini-symbol of wasted effort at a time when waste can be the quick ‘Welcome to purchasing your next precursor of exit. pre-owned Land Rover from the newest and best used Land Rover ‘Primum non nocere’ – the ancient dealer in the USA, the British Rover Hippocratic ‘Above all, do no harm’ – Company.’ should be primum for all of us. The web has the edge, of course, A mailing from ‘Data Supermarket’ because it has links to ‘Vehicles for has this tribute to thin salesmanship: sale’ and ‘Specials’ and other mild ‘We have Good News!’ incentives. OK, what’s the good news? I clicked on ‘Vehicles for sale’ and yes, here were a number of photos and ‘At MLS, we work differently on the descriptions of vintage Rovers, Mini- front end, saving you money on the Coopers and Jaguars. Also present was back end.’ a small blob touting the web designer. Thanks. I’ll contact you the next time So I wondered: Why didn’t the mailed I have a problem with my back end. card refer to the web? Might it be Who are these people, cluttering up intramural rivalry? Maybe the service our tidy, direct response universe? department and the sales department The actual good news maybe that operate on separate planets? Might it they’re our competitors.

Page 27

A (not so) fond look at ‘magalogue’s’

May 2009

emember when magalogue – the Attitudinal and Rhybrid vehicle that combines a attentional shift magazine look with the hard sell of a The ancient direct response mantra: A traditional direct mail package – successful mailing converts sceptics to seemed to be the hot and powerful possibles, possibles to probables, and direction direct mail needed to probables to buyers. compete with that upstart, the world wide web? Do magalogue’s still have the power to jump the chasm and convert sceptics Golden promises. directly to buyers? As is true of so Occasional golden results. many questions that fascinate all of us Magalogue’s are producing gold, when in this glorious business, the answer they appear . . . but usually the gold is parallels the classic story of a fellow in the coffers of the printer, not the who had a date with a pair of Siamese marketer. twins. When asked: “Did you have a good time?” he replied: “Well, yes and What has generated that nasty no.” difference? Magalogue’s, more than conventional Has the direct marketplace changed direct mail, have a self-generated that dramatically? problem: They have to leap out at a

Page 28 “Another wicked element has entered the mix – the foreshortened attention-span foisted on us by the World Wide Web.”

torrid pace and maintain that pace for had any guarantees, have we?) 16, 24, or 32 pages. Unlike a The cover has to include both segmented direct mail package, a dynamite and promise, without magalogue is one mighty blow – or appearing copy-heavy. Now, that’s a one flighty blowhard. test of the professional laying-on of Felling scepticism is a challenge every hands! professional marketer has faced Break up the text with multiple repeatedly. That’s one reason we subheads. claim the mantle of professionalism. Use this rhetorical trick: Suggest an But another wicked element has emotional or intellectual or entered the mix – the foreshortened educational or financial circumstance attention-span foisted on us as you know doesn’t apply to the typical marketers and consumers as recipient and immediately add, ‘If this prospects by the world wide web. isn’t you, go directly to page 6’. Impatience is the name of the game in Parallel TV infomercials and emails 2008, and with online assaults with repeated inserts asking for the demanding: ‘Look at me! Listen to order. me! Me first! I know who you are! You asked for this! You need me!’ we As a close, a destination to which have an attentional shift adding more many will leap midway through the treacle to the attitudinal shift. text or even earlier, offer a sudden spur-of-the-moment deal such as, Our prospects demand a quick fix. A ‘Wait a minute. Refer to this last magalogue can give them that fix only paragraph and knock £20 off the if the creative team has the price. Use that £20 to have us pay for psychological know-how and the your dinner tonight.’ chutzpah to deliver it with contemporary gusto. Seamlessly and invisibly weave apparent value and sales pitch If you’re of a mind to test a together. Note, please – that isn’t easy magalogue, or to re-enter that and it’s why so many magalogue’s dangerous arena, I have a couple of failed even before the web erupted. suggestions. Will any of these work for you? Beats Disclaimer: These ideas may work or me. But it’s a better risk than facing they may fall flat. We have no Rambo without a deodorant. guarantees. (But then, we never have

Page 29

Clichés in both directions

June 2009

can’t find anyone who disagrees with “Email segmentation is very effective Ithe statement that email has become and can easily increase open rates, click the dominant force-communication through’s and conversion by ten to 20 medium, and for the foreseeable future per cent. But don’t let the thought of will continue to be the dominant force- segmenting your email overwhelm you communication medium (not that I’m if you’re just starting out.” looking for dissent). Gee, thanks for the profound advice. The result of this much-deserved In the same newsletter as the attention is predictable: We have a host previous quote: of ‘experts’ who offer advice and opinions that, analysed by any seasoned “Segmenting based on recency, practitioner of the communicative arts, frequency and monetary value has are clichés. What’s bothersome is that served the direct marketing industry ‘Eureka!’ revelations should be well, and RFM segmentation can revelatory, not just confirmation of be applied to email, as well, with what we already know. powerful impact.” When a marketer shares results, We have to agree, that’s startling and that’s pure gold. When an observer valuable information. shares truisms, that’s pure brass. When a pusher pitches what he or she This one is my favourite of the day: has to sell, representing it as help, “A good salesperson pays close that’s pure chutzpah. attention and learns about his customer, becomes familiar with them, A few examples understands their needs and, over time, Here are some of the ‘expert’ develops a relationship with them.” comments that have come my way (and possibly yours, since they Hey, my friend, I’ll tell you what else: A appeared in print and online) over the good salesperson knows the difference past few weeks: between singular and plural and doesn’t intermix ‘customer’ and ‘them’. “To combat overstuffed email boxes and recipient fatigue, email frequency An ‘Ask the experts’ column in a does not necessarily need to be peripheral publication has this quote reduced, but relevance must be from the product marketing director of increased.” an email marketing company: Now, that rates a solid, ‘Huh?’ “It all comes down to how you can leverage email to deliver more timely How about this one:

Page 30 “The most valuable advice is advice you already have in your own brain: Test, then analyse test results.”

and relevant messages to your and except for annoyed outbursts primary audience.” such as this one I seldom do, but it’s a happy philosophy.) I won’t quote more from that column because every other assertion is a Then, compile your own list of what thinly-masked pitch on behalf of what works and what doesn’t work and that individual’s professional every quarter or so update that list, organisation does. kicking out the chaff and fertilising the wheat. So what is useful advice? Possibly out of chauvinism or because The most valuable advice is advice I know the editorial team at this you don’t need because you already publication, I can suggest that DMI is have it in your own brain: a happy oasis in the cliché-sands of an Test, then analyse test results. A informational desert. But you need medium that matures with the rocket neither me nor any outsider to speed that typifies online marketing separate wheat from chaff. isn’t sitting unmoving on its So for starters, when – head-to-head haunches, and neither should you. or in mass media – you see ‘advice’ Oops. I just blathered out a chunk of that actually is a sales pitch, publicise cliché-advice. your rejection. (Oh, I know you won’t,

Page 31

A quick midsummer primer

July 2009

n my callow youth, I taught English original context and make happy sense Iliterature at a minor US university. out of context. There, I solidified my impious opinion As a parallel, here in the sunny days of that Wordsworth should have been midsummer we can re-examine some considered a minor poet. basic concepts of direct marketing and have them ready for use as we plan But Wordsworth had a line in his ode, holiday mailings, emails, and ‘Intimations of Immortality’: arguments with associates. ‘The sunshine is a glorious birth.’ So, a point: Folklore and fact aren’t So OK, Bill, maybe you weren’t all bad. always in sync. Survival in our Maybe. Uhhh . . . what does that line hypercompetitive world is fact driven, mean, anyway? and theories based on personal likes and dislikes may temporarily salve the As is so often true of poetry, those six proclaimer’s ego words make little sense in their

Page 32 “A dire warning isn’t usually as effective as a positive instruction, especially now that we’re navel-deep in the Age of Scepticism”

...and even in a short competition, Too, YouTube can bite. A marketer is eventuate into ‘What I really a passenger who can’t control the meant was...’ direction of the chariot. An example The easiest rule you’ll see all day . . . Worthy of exploration is the latter- or all week . . . or all month . . . or all day adoption of a negative as selling year . . . or whenever: The most theory. Someone, somewhere, effective media are those which reach decided that starting an email subject and influence positively your line with ‘Don’t’ is a grabber. specifically targeted prospects at the lowest per-reach cost. Well, yes, just as any imperative is a better grabber than a declarative. (Note the key words: ‘reach and influence’, not just ‘reach’; and But a dire warning isn’t usually as ‘influence positively’, not just effective as a positive instruction, ‘influence’.) especially now that we’re navel-deep in the Age of Scepticism. Measuring sticks While I’m outraging you, another One sees a plethora of negatives in point I regard as fact and you may social media. Hmm. Are social media regard as opinion: CPA is no more genuine media? valid a measuring stick than was the I’ll cheerfully qualify as my own old – if any aspect of web marketing opinion/proclamation that social can be considered old – adoration of media (I detest that term) compete CPC (cost per click). What matters is poorly against outright sales weaponry. positive action, not just unmodified action. And positive action is action The darling of mid-2009, Twitter, that either is a transaction or leads joins Facebook and MySpace as directly to a transaction. ego-boosters hanging on the fence that separates salesmanship from I’ve used just about all the space to self-image. which I’m allotted, and the notions basket still is half full. I have space for Depending on the periphery isn’t a just one more pointed point: professional attitude. YouTube may produce results, although reports to When an outsider – think which I’ve been privy say the results ‘conventional advertising agency’ – aren’t always arrowed to the bottom says direct mail doesn’t work for line and when they are, the CPA (cost customer acquisition, the proper per action) is greater than the cost of four word response is, ‘Get another properly targeted email. list company.’

Page 33

You’re in the right place

September 2009

e glad you’re reading Direct I’d no more argue with that than argue BMarketing International. against the statement that 2+2=4. But, come on, do we need an authoritarian If you were reading another marketing source to tell us that 2+2=4? If that publication, either in print or online, equation baffles you, don’t handle your you’d encounter ‘expert’ opinions that own bookkeeping. would have you shaking your head in disgust as you conclude: ‘I’m more of Diarrhoea of the fingertips an expert than that.’ A marketing magazine – yes, a printed Here’s an expert telling us how to marketing magazine, loaded with recognise and avoid email delivery colour and bleed and production – is mistakes. Let’s take a look at his also loaded with rhetorical diaper- wisdom: filler. An example: ‘It’s naïve for any marketer to think ‘It’s great to get a one-time sale from a that deliverability failures couldn’t customer, but much more financially happen to them. Moreover, just rewarding to get customer for life who because your mail is getting delivered will add value to the bottom line over a today, doesn’t mean that you won’t run longer period of time.’ into a problem tomorrow.’ In the very next paragraph, to be sure What profundity! we recognise the message as claptrap: Same on-line authority: ‘Switching to a lower-cost alternative can bring down the expense side of ‘Optimising your website to deliver a that ROI number, so it sometimes better online experience for your seems more valuable. But factor in customers is fundamental for increasing engagement, relevance and pass-along, revenues, ensuring customer satisfaction and you may not be maximising your and retaining a loyal customer base. return.’ And during this economic downturn, it’s now more important than ever to Same magazine, another expert continually improve the customer naming ‘Three ways to build and experience of your site. By delivering a maintain loyal relationships when superior online customer experience customers are running scared: when economic conditions are tight, ‘1. Get personal … 2. Don’t make cuts you will not only create immediate …3. Show them you care.’ competitive advantage, but you will also see the upside when conditions How can you miss with tips as explicit start to improve.’ as those?

Page 34 “Do we need an authoritarian source to tell us that 2+2=4?”

Just to be sure we don’t soak up cost of landing a new one.’ My own any information that might be tested average is a seven-to-one ratio, useful, a two-page column in the which makes me wonder why I didn’t same publication gives us another send an objection to the editor of that verbal triptych. publication. No, it isn't.) The first tip: ‘Don’t cut price – The third tip: ‘Integrate your efforts.’ add value.’ Neat trick. Uhh . . . any To explain, the writer dips deep into really useful tips, such as how I might the bucket of obfuscation: ‘Approach do that? outreach in a more holistic way, using more than one vehicle.’ The second tip: ‘Beef up your return per customer.’ Obviously, no Can you believe it? I’ve used up all my marketer ever thought of that before. space and haven’t included personal tips such as ‘Breathe air, not water’ (Parenthetical comment – the and ‘If you’re driving, use a vehicle.’ following paragraph states, ‘Keeping They’ll have to wait until the next an existing customer is one-sixth the issue of DMI.

Page 35

Too many friends for intimacy

October 2009

ver hear of Jonathan Abrams? YouTube and Twitter and whatever, EProbably not. Or if you did, his name are his natural-born bastard children. isn’t a unique one, limited to one user. After a brief moment of glory, Jonathan Abrams is credited with Friendster flopped. But Google the ‘inventing’ social media. His name Jonathan Abrams and you’ll contribution to the dubious festival of activate 672,000 entries . . . although such media was an absolute you can’t immediately tell how many celebration of Andy Warhol’s promise are for this Jonathan Abrams. of ’15 minutes of fame’ to everybody in The proliferation of social media the universe: Friendster, heavily caused Abrams, the parent, to backed by knowledgeable business proclaim loudly and publicly: “I people, the first online social network. invented this stuff and now I’m So all those followers, from Facebook paying for it.” and MySpace and LinkedIn to

Page 36 “Yet another distraction emerges from the boiling media hive.”

(He was referring to the flood of have had to sort legitimate sales communications, many of which were messages from the chaff of counterfeit from people of whom he had never and misleading emails that clutter our heard, pouring into his phone and online mailboxes and infect our his computer.) attitude toward every announcement in every medium. The fire-horse must answer the bell. Abrams already has started up Facebook and MySpace were ‘Socializr’, a website that lets reasonably harmless until over- users invite people to parties and shrewd marketers grabbed them and other events. began using them for less-than- personal purposes. How crowded can it get? Just what we need . . . more social Then came Twitter, the strange media. phenomenon that limits a message to 140 characters. What a delightful way This column, in this eminent to eliminate literacy! publication, isn’t dedicated to the history of electronic communication. I had a recent email message from a Rather, it’s dedicated to as publication with which I’d dispassionate an analysis of discontinued my subscription. The communications techniques as a subject line: ‘Herschell, open up. It’s cranky curmudgeon can grind out. important.’ And watching yet another distraction The same day, I had this intrusion on emerge from the boiling media hive is my cell phone: what we, as professional ‘U R inluck, yr 2 get free sub. Rep or communicators, don’t need. lose it.’ A point to consider: the gap between a You may regard my conclusion as communication that spurs a positive muddy, because I didn’t renew my decision based on that communication subscription, and for years I’ve railed and one that represents a bald cry for against phony use of ‘important’. attention is a gap a great many marketers are trying to bridge. But at least my rejection of the email was a mild one. My rejection of the Why? text message was anything but mild. The laws of economics are in play. For Conclusion: Be warned. Oh, sorry, I at least ten years, our best prospects forgot where we are . . . B-warnd.

Page 37

Revisiting the four great laws

November 2009

nevitably, as a marketer Basic? Isophisticates his or her Simple? communications with both existing Obvious. customers or clients and prospective Glad you agree. customers or clients, sophistication May all those whose marketing leads to self-stroking. philosophy is the ancient notion of Just as inevitably, self stroking puts reaching ‘the most people’ whether target-individuals outside the mix, qualified or not, and who think instead of squarely in the centre. production out pulls message, re-think and join us in generating effective The Four Great Laws may be venerable messages. . . . but they’re even more pertinent today than they were in prehistoric Note, please, that ‘lowest possible cost’ pre-web times, because the Internet is a preventive against overproduction, has speeded up reaction times for all not a plea for underproduction. force communication media. The Second Great Law Pertinence and recognition aren’t In this Age of Scepticism, cleverness always in sync with each other. for the sake of cleverness may well be a A principal perpetration seeps from liability rather than an asset. ‘creatives’ who write for their own Cleverness for the sake of interest groups, ignoring others, and salesmanship? becomes epidemic when the inevitable imitators decide: “Hey, that’s clever,” Oh, yes. rather than: “Hey, that will sell.” Cleverness for the sake of telling the Much water has passed under the world how clever the creative team is? bridge since we listed the Four Great Oh, no. Laws in the pages of this publication some years ago. So, in the interest of Our targets want not to believe. The both Internet-era clarity and Internet- web has given their natural scepticism savvy marketing acuity, it’s time to a shot of adrenalin. Let’s not feed and pass some more water. enhance implicit scepticism by ‘Look at me!’ showing off. The First Great Law Reach and influence, at the lowest The Third Great Law possible cost, the most people who E2 = 0. That’s it: When you emphasise should and can respond. everything, you emphasise nothing. So laundry lists should give way to

Page 38 “The Internet has speeded up reaction times for all force communication media.”

selective sales arguments. out-pulls declarative. Tell your targets what to do. That applies to consumer, Choose and emphasise the key points B2B and cries in the wilderness. and subordinate the rest. You already knew all those? The Fourth Great Law Tell the reader/viewer/listener what Excellent. to do. No mystery here. We’re not battling Strange, isn’t it, that this, the easiest ignorance but, rather, dependence on and clearest of all Four Great Laws, is tradition founded in itself rather than the one most frequently violated? in testing and basic human psychology. Don’t just rhapsodise. Let those who reject logic be our Imperative, regularly and rightly, out- competitors. pulls declarative. Repeat: Imperative

Page 39

Tweet, tweet. Are we happy?

January 2010

he social medium MySpace had a prevailed, ignoring the spotty history Tgood year. It lost only US$128 of innovations. That’s the tightrope we million last year. That’s only $28 walk: Our mantra should be, ‘That million more than it lost the previous which is announced as new may be year. that which is better’. The owner, media mogul Rupert We might avoid being misled or Murdoch, isn’t happy. His pioneer hoodwinked or naïve, without totally social medium, once dominant, has rejecting a concept or a means of lost ground against principal communication just because it’s competitors Facebook and the micro- different from one with which we’re blogger Twitter. So, the announced comfortable. ‘rebuilding’ plan for 2010 is to Am I anti-social media? No. establish online communities structured on music, video and games. Well, partly. I favour any interpersonal The chief operating officer of News communications that don’t insult the Corp, Murdoch’s corporate identity, is recipient, even if the message is larded quoted as saying: “We’re not trying to with stupidity. I don’t favour any compete with Facebook or beat communications tool that enables the Twitter. We’re trying to create a unique recipient to seize control of the message. experience.” Even in the short lifetime of Twitter, See anything here? we’ve seen business enterprises suffer damage at the hands – make that ‘Social’ can be too social fingertips – of ‘followers’ (I detest that When email became a factor in the appellation) who, in their own ego- marketing universe, we direct driven madness, attempt to organise a marketers quickly seized the medium detestation campaign against a to our bosoms. product or service. Smart move. We’re wallowing in a populist sea and Then came Facebook and MySpace and losing control of our own instruments. Twitter and Plaxo and LinkedIn and we It’s beyond our capability if such direct marketers quickly added those. circumstance happens without our unwitting participation. Oops – maybe not so smart. If it happens because we’ve opened a The ‘That which is announced as new floodgate, culpability is ours. equals that which is better’ cult has

Page 40 "We're wallowing in a populist sea and losing control of our own instruments"

A two-edged sword The missing apostrophe in ‘user’s’ One of the many companies offering and the plural/singular mismatch are Twitter marketing assistance uses this theirs, not mine. We aren’t involved sales argument: in another marketer’s missing apostrophe. We are involved in our “Once you follow these targeted own marketing self-traps. Opening users, they will come to your twitter the door for what appears on any profile page to review who you are. user’s Twitter page is a two edged They will review your twitter bio, sword. your web link and your recent ‘tweets’ to see what you are all about. A mild misstep can result in our having to apologise for a mistake we “If they like you, and you have the didn’t make. same interests, about 30% to 50% will follow you back. Once they That’s what can happen when we follow you back, all your tweets will make it possible for the inmates to appear on that users twitter page for run the asylum. everyone to see!”

Page 41

The little foxes that spoil the vines

March 2010

ophisticates know ‘The Little Foxes’ underside of a two-sided factual core. as a stage play and subsequent S Even the most die-hard old-timers no movie based on the script by Lillian longer argue the point: buying online Hellman. Although on occasion small has some major advantages. A big theatre companies still produce the advantage is that comparison shopping play, the plotline is usually lost in is easy. In less than a minute, anybody history, because both play and movie can check prices at three or four date back about 70 years. competing sources without travelling Reserved for us intellectuals is the basis even one foot outside our front doors. for the phrase – Chapter 2, Verse 15 of We don’t have to dress up, we don’t the Song of Solomon in the King James have to use petrol and we don’t have to Version of the Bible: ‘Take us the foxes, wait for a clerk to finish dealing with the little foxes that spoil the vines, for another customer or prospect. our vines have tender grapes.’ Before the Internet, major What does that have to do with copy marketers such as Amazon didn’t even that sells, more than 70 years after the exist. Now, they’re dominant. Many play and half a millennium after King online customers not only don’t know James? Sadly, corruption on the world where these vendors are located but wide web has resulted in wild breeding don’t care. of greedy little foxes that spoil our So dealing online is the only way to go, marketing vines, giving us not tender right? Wrong. grapes but sour grapes. For every Amazon, there seem to be a Disgustingly consistent hundred phonies. The history of commerce is disgustingly consistent: A medium Dollars, euros, becomes dominant. Charlatans flood pounds. Oh my! in. Public enthusiasm morphs into Wow! Here’s an email offering a ‘Swiss’ public scepticism. The good guys are watch for one US dollar. Too good to swept up in the clouds of doubt. be true? You bet your bippy it is. In our savage little world, wordsmiths Shipping is US$3.99, but that isn’t an grunt and heave, exacting every gram issue. What is an issue is a hidden of potential benefit from the factual notice that says you are automatically core, extruding (or, in too many cases, signing up for a weird deal sending you excreting) sales messages that either a watch every month, with US$88.98 present speculation as fact or, worse, charged to your credit card. If you sales messages that conceal the don’t accept that deal, you have to

Page 42 “Barnum was right. There’s a sucker born every minute and the Web is a fertile territory for 21st century Barnum’s.”

return the watch. So much for the the deadline by 20 seconds . . . but $1 bargain. allows just one penny increase above the previous high bidder. So with five Based on the legitimacy bestowed by seconds left, in come another batch of eBay, bidding is an increasingly bids and suddenly, instead of one employed – and increasingly minute to go, it’s four or five minutes dangerous – way to buy something. A to go, about six pence higher. We huge batch of eBay followers exploit count down, then bid again. the technique, including the inevitable phonies. Oops. We’re out another dollar, because at the two-second mark For example, here’s ‘Bidfun.com’. another bidder drives the deadline up Buy, through your charge card, as again. So it’s possible to use $50 of many ‘credits’ as you think you our $100 and wind up with nothing, may need. which is what the site’s intention is. Then you use those credits to bid on Oh, yeah, Barnum was right. There’s auctioned items – computers or a sucker born every minute and the electronics or TV sets or video games. web is fertile territory for 21st OK, we have US$100 in credits. Just century Barnum’s. to bid costs us one credit. So we bid, We’ve all heard, many times: When a and with only one minute to go, we’re deal seems to be too good to be true, the high bidder. Hot dog! Uhhh . . . it probably is. no, dirty dog, because we now see a hidden ‘Gotcha’: Every bid extends

Page 43

Is print still breathing?

April 2010

dvance your time machines 100 nouveau-experts who have dismissed Ayears. Will a marketing historian — any printed communication as a or an anthropologist — deliver a lecture throwback to antediluvian times. on the ongoing developments in direct Inevitably, as a new medium surfaces, marketing and begin the discourse those who clasp that medium to their with: “Do you remember a substance bosoms, to the exclusion of all else, called ‘paper’? Your grandmother may predict the demise of whatever went have told you about it. before. In some cases — such as the “And those mouldering chunks in — broadcast human voice replacing what did they call it, a ‘bookcase’? — Morse code — we can attach did you know you still can find some of considerable validity to obsolescence. these at antique auctions?” But did radio cause newspapers and Not likely. magazines to fold their tents? The end is not yet. Did television cause radio to tumble into the slough of despond? Our dynamic world of direct response not only is surrounded by naysayers; Did online media result in decaying within our ranks we have many television sets rotting away in dumpsters? A medium becomes obsolete not when joined by a logical competitor but when replaced by a logical replacement. The King is dead Long live the King Oh, yes, print media is suffering and some will fold. Direct mail isn’t the champion it was a generation ago. That is the inevitable result of media-glut. Newspapers and magazines had their golden era and because the number of advertising dollars invested in toto has been split between new media and traditional media, slices of the pie are thinner. A marketer has a finite amount of money to spend.

Page 44 “Within our ranks we have many nouveau-experts who have dismissed any printed communication as a throwback to antediluvian times.”

Suppose the budget is £100,000. In sapiens is an inventive beast. ancient days, the marketer might Tell your great-grandchildren: Read have spent half on direct mail; a the newspaper. quarter on space advertising; and a quarter on a mixture of Survival never is universal. telemarketing, personal communication and whatever. That noun applies only to those who manipulate, squeeze, massage, Now — thump, thump, thump — manoeuvre, maximise. in strides the 21st century colossus, online. Oh, yes, we’ll lose some print media, probably including a number of the The budget is the same, but the split great ones. now includes the new kid on the block. Percentages allocated to Oh, yes, some force-communication traditional media shrink. houses will crumble. It’s the year 2010 But the world isn’t coming to an end. Hey, who are these new intruders? (What started this whole thought- ‘Social media’? What’s social about process was an email, asking me to them? Will an investment in them co-rejoice that another of the pay off? multitude of social media has given up the ghost. My reply — and, I hope There’s just one way to find out: yours: So what?) Allocate some dollars. When a direct mail package doesn’t It’s not that early in the game. All of produce, look at the creative work. us in this state-of-society industry have tested and have had results. When an advert in print media flops, check that negative result against Some media have shone like the sun. ongoing positive results for others. Some have shown a tinge of promise. Some have sunk like the Titanic, Is there a point to all this? Well, despite the urgings of their disciples maybe. If one exists, it’s . . . whose involvement is emotional Match up medium and message. rather than rational. That’s been a valid litmus test since Thus has it always been. the days of stone tablets. (And yes, sadly, stone tablets no longer are Thus will it always be, because Homo much of a competitive medium.)

Page 45

Aww, ain’t that sad!

June 2010

ssumption: You’re a sophisticated touting itself as the voice of Amarketer. Parallel assumption: marketing trends draws conclusions You aren’t surprised to see junk- the rest of us long since have gulped authoritarian statements by junk- down and excreted as yesterday’s info- authorities, in trade publications. meal. (Is the very term ‘online publication’ an oxymoron? Oh, no. An absolute ‘given’ is that when a This is the year 2010.) technique or a medium or a procedure or a development becomes the darling What’s annoying about the assembly of of self-proclaimed avant-garde, we can truisms . . . in this source, if you’re a anticipate sniping as the next step. subscriber, or obvious, if you aren’t . . . We aren’t out of line to expect much is the ‘Behold!’ attitude that reflects of the sniping to come from yesterday’s their ‘We’ve discovered a trend no-one aficionados. else has yet unearthed’ conclusion. It’s social media’s turn. Example: In a recent issue, an online publication What a surprise! In March, the internal tracking system at MySpace

Page 46 “I’m out of patience with gurus who bombard us with trivia we have already digested and discarded as yesterday’s non-wisdom”

showed that the number of active Friendster and all the other “I’m one users was well below the 100 million of your closest pals” media? users usually claimed – specifically, We’re marketers. We aren’t supposed for the month ending in mid- to be subject to enchantment, because February, MySpace had 18 million the backside of enchantment is individual visitors. disenchantment. For media analysis, cost-versus- Even the sleaziest newspapers carry response is a logical criterion. regular stories about innocents who Figuring (or wild guessing) are lured into fake online effectiveness based on total potential relationships. How could a marketing exposure is as useless as the ancient publication be so late in making that cost-per-click presumption early web discovery? marketers espoused in the antediluvian 1990s. Nigeria, here we come. A direct quote: “Part of the reason Now, wait a minute. That publication that MySpace is hurting is because says the average Facebook user’s age many people moved over to has swooped up to 33. It also says the Facebook. Facebook, however, has venerable email spam come-ons, other problems that don’t bode well which lure people into giving out their for its future. According to banking information with promises of ReadWriteWeb, Facebook’s millions, have begun to appear . . . population is rapidly ageing. It and become effective . . . on started as a service for college Facebook. students but, by 2008, the average user’s age had already risen to 26. In Get the point? early 2010, it’s up to 33 and climbing. At age 33, not only is a Facebook user Those older users are not as attractive more naïve than he, she, or it was at to advertisers.” age 26 or age 18; the user has down Omygawd – Facebooker’s are facing slid to a point at which ancient scams Alzheimer’s and at any minute will target him, her, or it at the antique lose both their buying power and age of 33. their minds! Aah, I’m out of space. It’s just as well, because I’m also out of patience with Spams, scams, and whams gurus who bombard us with trivia we Can you believe people send fake have already digested and discarded information to MySpace and as yesterday’s non-wisdom. Facebook and LinkedIn and

Page 47

Is ‘social’ really sociable?

September 2010

The word ‘advocate’ is too thin to almost like suppliants, for words of describe many Twitter followers. A wisdom from you. better appellation: ‘disciple’. Combining the benefit and the negative Twitter is the current darling of what results is an amalgam we might call, aptly are called ‘social media’, a latter- simply, the challenge. It parallels day addition to the wonders of online newsletters that so often start off electronic communication. Social strong and then begin to flag when the media include Facebook, MySpace, news aims itself internally instead of LinkedIn, Friendster and literally externally. hundreds of others whose names range An authoritative commentary on from the exotic to the arcane – tweeting has as its heading, ‘Why Yelp.com and Getsatisfaction.com are should you tweet?’ and follows up with reasonably mild examples. four reasons: a) new contacts; b) quick Since it burst onto the force- alerts to your followers; c) supposedly communications scene, I’ve objected to ‘insider’ news about you; d) Twitter’s use of the word ‘follower’ . . . information about competitors. That which implicitly puts responders like last one suggests a corruption of the me in a secondary position. I have to great bard: ‘Neither a leader nor a ‘join’ and then am a follower? follower be.’ Forget it, Charlie. Twitter also claims to out-socialise Facebook in its ability to re-tweet a That may be attractive to 14-year-olds, message, so the follower becomes the but not to us leader-types. leader of a new pack. It parallels ‘Follow me so I can sell you trickle-down marketing, in which an something’ agent sells to a customer who in turn becomes an agent who sells to a Social media have, in concert, invaded customer. the commercial arena. Each has a benefit – an aura of personalisation The question sitting on the table tied to feedback, however temporary unanswered is whether Twitter is a that aura might be. competitive commercial medium, gauged not by early-adopter So, the loyalty factor can actually be enthusiasm but by comparative results, loyalty rather than greed, the driving pound for pound, dollar for dollar or force behind most ‘loyalty euro for euro. A US survey showed programmes’. Accompanying the fuzzy results, with almost half the benefit is a negative – the message respondents expressing reaches only those who have asked,

Page 48 “The effectiveness of any medium, whether Twitter or skywriting, depends on effective use of the medium.”

disappointment with tweets as a and making things right. Tweeters say selling weapon. Twitter may have that power, but only if they as originators work hard to The survey may or may not represent make the Twitter Elves work hard so the universe as a whole, not only Twitter itself works hard. because it seemed to be subjective rather than objective but also because No surprise . . . Twitter parallels other the effectiveness of any medium, media. It can be successful or it can whether Twitter or skywriting, bomb. Getting response from a depends on effective use of the message of 140 characters is tricky medium. and not automatic, and what works for influencing your disciples may not Do we need the work for influencing outsiders. Little Elves? But that’s how it always has been in We all know the fairy tale about the our delightful world of direct Little Elves who come in at night, response, hasn’t it? solving problems and sewing up rips

Page 49 Before you go Here's Herschell demonstrating the power of targeted communications.

For more insight, analysis and opinion, join the Global Marketing Alliance.

Our community is the brightest and smartest way for marketers to add some zing to their offerings.

We are an alliance of influential, innovative global marketers. The thinkers and the doers.

Connect with 10,000+ like-minded, progressive marketers who lead the conversation in data, content, branding and technology.

Registration is free and provides top-level guidance, research and thought-leadership.

Designed especially for modern marketers who want to add flair and passion to their working lives.

Meet, Learn and Share at the GMA

Join us today at www.the-gma.com

Page 50