MY THREE SONS
By Dennis Danziger
A SMITH SCRIPT
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MY THREE SONS
The stage is dark. We hear a few seconds of sit- commy intro music, a single horn playing a slight, cutesy tune. Music stops.
NARRATOR (V.O.) My Three Sons.
A few more seconds of the music. Then it stops.
Starring – (fill in actor’s name) as George H.W. Bush.
A few more seconds of music.
Also starring-, (fill in actor’s name) as Neil Bush. (fill in actor’s name) as Jeb Bush. (fill in actor’s name) as George W. Bush And (fill in actor’s name) as Barbara Bush. And now, My Three Sons.
A few more seconds of the music. Lights come up on a well-appointed dining room in an upscale home. The table is set elegantly for a dinner. Enter G.H.W. BUSH, 40s.
He is on the p hone, dragging a phone long chord in one hand and a putter and one golf ball in the other hand. He wears a crisp, white dress shirt, a solid blue tie and khakis.
G.H.W. BUSH (on phone) Of course, we can do business with King Faisal. He’s good people. And like us, he’s oil people. Loves his black gold. Texas tea.
As GHWB talks he take a crystal vase and places it sideways on the floor to turn it into a golf hole. He drops the ball on the floor and lines up a putt as he speaks.
2 .
G.H.W. BUSH (CONT.) And let me tell you something else about the Saudi Royal Family. They love sports cars, gambling and those little falafel balls. Of course, they don’t much care for the Jews. But who does, Charlie? Who does?
He putts the ball, misses the vase.
Dang...No, I’m fine. Just missed a gimme putt...My boys? They’re wonderful. Jeb’s just back from his junior year studies and he’s bringing his little girlfriend over for dinner. We’re very excited...Sure, put me down for $5,000. Gotta keep ol’ Strom Thurmond in the Senate. He’s doing a heckuva job, Charlie. Heckuva job...Good talking to you, buddy. My best to the misses.
GWH hangs up, lines up another put and as he is about to stroke the ball, enter on the run, NEIL BUSH, 16, an Eagle Scout type dressed identically to his father, white shirt, blue tie, khakis. His sudden entrance destroys his father’s concentration and he misses the shot.
NEIL BUSH Father, father. Mother took us to...
G.H.W. BUSH ...etiquette, son! Where’s your golf etiquette? You don’t talk when someone’s in his back swing.
NEIL BUSH But father, you’re in the dining room. I didn’t expect you...
G.H.W. BUSH ...I’m holding a putter in my hands, Neil. Golf ball on the carpet. Can’t you put two and two together?
NEIL BUSH Please don’t be mad at me father. Remember I’m your son with the learning disability. And everyone picks on me. Especially George. George is mean.
G.H.W. BUSH Oh, George is just joshing with you. You know he loves his little brother.
3 .
NEIL BUSH No, George is really mean. I think there’s something wrong with him. He always says, “Neil has dyl-sexia. Neil has dyl-sexia.” And he says, “Want to know what Neil calls his favorite Dr. Seuss book? The Tack in the Cat.” Then, he laughs. I think George needs therapy.
G.H.W. BUSH None of that voodoo medicine around here. And there’s nothing wrong with George. Except he has a very low IQ. I’ll speak to him about cutting back on the jokes. But son, you’ve got to learn not to barge in when someone is lining up a putt. Now what was so dang important?
NEIL BUSH Mother took us to a fortune teller. It was swell.
G.H.W. BUSH And what did she say?
NEIL BUSH That George is going to start a war and destroy the family name.
G.H.W. BUSH War? George can’t even hold down a summer job. You’ve heard of the Midas Touch? George has the Fecal Touch. Everything he touches turns to poop. Pardon my French.
Enter JEB BUSH. He is an uptight, buttoned down, bespectacled 20-year-old who is dressed identically to Neil and GHWB.
G.H.W. BUSH Hey Jeb, heard you had your fortune told. Care to tell me your future?
JEB Well father, like Isaac in the Book of Genesis, you gave your birthright to the wrong son. Because mother seduced you into it, because she favors George.
NEIL Mother doesn’t love me because I make D’s and F’s. And yet when George got that Jewish girl pregnant, mother paid for her abortion.
4 .
G.H.W. BUSH Stop your jibber-jabbering. How about some hors d’ouevres?
(calls) Sadie, get in here please?
They wait. The boys look at each other. They know something that GHWB doesn’t.
Sadie! Bring some food out here for me and my boys.
A few more seconds of uncomfortable silence.
Well this is crazy. Did either of you see Sadie in the kitchen?
NEIL BUSH No father.
G.H.W. BUSH Sadie! I have never in all my life had to wait this long for food in my own home.
NEIL BUSH Father, Sadie quit six days ago.
G.H.W. BUSH Quit? We were paying her fifteens cents an hour over minimum. Who quits that kind of job? Where’d she go?
NEIL BUSH Oakland.
G.H.W. BUSH Why would a poor colored woman move from Houston to Oakland?
JEB She joined the Black Panthers.