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24 THE RICE THRESHER BACKPAGE FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2007 ThresherÀUHVVFDSHJRDW Mentally challenged student The Rice Thresher fired a scapegoat unable to comprehend irony today in response to complaints about Researchers in the Texas Sander’s disease even gave Executive Editor Medical Center released a study him troubles in his classroom. Evan Mintz. Editor today reporting the discovery “I remember when we had in Chief Stephen of a new mental disorder — the to read A Modest Proposal,” his Whitfield made the inability to comprehend irony, classmate said. “He wouldn’t announcement at satire, and other forms of dry shut up about how it was wrong a press conference wit. The only victim of the dis- for Jonathan Swift to ‘write a before Thresher order so far is a Rice University silly’ because ‘it demonstrated reporters. student. a lack of respect for the ideas of The goat, which Sanders, as he is known, was others and tarnished the Irish had been Mintz’s su- turned over to hospital authori- reputation.’” perior, was accused ties by his family with hopes of by Whitfield of lying finding a cure. down on the job, not D o c t o r s c o m p a r e t h e Doctors hope that one fulfilling his duties disorder to Asperger’s syndrome, day Sanders will be of overseeing Mintz, except it is limited purely to the Thresher Editor in Chief Stephen Whitfield fired a goat in response to complaints about and also eating a tin inability to recognize when able to appreciate the Executive Editor Evan Mintz. The goat was accused of not fulfilling its duties as Mintz’s words express something other can. superior and also eating a tin can. humor of Flight of the “I delegate respon- than their literal intention. “He was just sitting in the com- sibility here at the Students have expressed has to face the consequences.” Concords, Sarah mons, ranting about how Nikki Thresher,” Whitfield said. “And if relief with the firing of the goat. The goat did not take the fir- Metzgar’s column the other week Silverman and The someone doesn’t do their job or “This is supposed to be the Rice ing lightly. was completely wrong and that angers readers, then they should Thresher, not the Goat Thresher,” “Bah! Baaaaaa,” the goat said. USA PATRIOT act Lindsay Lohan was actually a bad not be working here. So I had to Sid senior Andrew Brantley said. “Baaaaa!” Then the goat ate a actress,” a fellow student said. fire the goat.” Whitfield then went “That goat just thinks that it can tin can. “Then two orderlies just dragged Doctors hope that one day into a ’roids induced rage. do whatever it wants. Well, now it him into an ambulance. I guess Sanders will be able to appreci- it’s for the best.” ate the humor of Flight of the Did you know that you can take classes taught by undergrads for actual, factual credit? Indeed, Sanders’ disorder Concords, Sarah Silverman and For reals, those schmucks who won’t shut up in class now have their very own venue to ramble gave him great difficulties inter- The USA PATRIOT act. about whatever it is they think they’re an expert in. Wait a minute, I’m a schmuck who loves the acting with the rest of the Rice “I always knew that something hear the sound of my own voice. Maybe I should teach a class! Alas, none are for distribution. community. was wrong with him,” his brother “He would always complain Jay said. “I guess I never really EVAN 100: Intro to Evan EVAN 225: Drawing Evan I about 80s Party because of the noticed things until he started a EVAN 101: History of Evan EVAN 321: Race, Gender, Evan and Technoscience unfashionable clothes everyone campaign to boycott The Colbert EVAN 109: Evan Physical Fitness Training EVAN 332: Evan’s Abnormal Behavior wore,” another student said. Report because of Stephen Col- EVAN 131: Modern Myth, Modern Evan EVAN 408: Evan Capstone Design Project “Now it all makes sense.” bert’s right-wing hate speech.” EVAN 140: Intro to Ballroom Dancing with Evan EVAN 481: Evan and Hurricane Risk Assesment (women) EVAN 490: Supervised Reading with Evan EVAN 201: Inro to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, EVAN 577: Buddhism, Gender, Society, and Evan Transgender and Evan Studies EVAN 645: Evan’s Investments and Portfolio EVAN 202: Who is (not) Evan? Management The Backpage is satire and is EVAN 221: Evan and the Reformation EVAN 800: Evan Research and Thesis written by Evan Mintz classifi[email protected] CLASSIFIEDS (713) 348-3974 HELP WANTED PART-TIME ASSISTANT video editor WORK FLEXIBLE HOURS at a fun, r e - individual to fill a FT client coordi- nanny. References upon inquiry. momen- needed. Must be a self-starter, enthu- warding job! Private Montessori school nator position. 1722 Post Oak Blvd [email protected]. NOVELIST N EEDS r e s e a r c h e r. Requires siastic, organized, and willing to learn. in the museum district seeks part-time Houston TX 77056. Call 713-963-9121 basic knowledge of genetics and genetic Computer literate and familiarity with and full-time help. Children range in and ask for Tasha or Jeremy. ABOLISH DEATH PENALTY. Texas engineering, and an understanding of editing software are preferred. Please age from infant to upper elementary. Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty what goes on in the labs. Fees negotiable. write to resume@amindseyefilm.com or Contact Tara at 713-520-0738. LOOKING FOR a student/grad will meet Thursday at 6 PM Dec. 6 in E-mail [email protected]. call 713-218-9522. student with an interest in and/or a the first floor meeting room of the Freed- STUDENTS NEEDED to help Mom background in early childhood devel- Montrose Library 4100 Montrose. Guest work with developmentally delayed opment education speech language or speaker will be Reverend Carroll Pickett. child. We will be doing a variety of child psychology to help part-time with His topic will be “My Experience With programs and exercises to work the a 3.5 year old girl (West University Lethal Injection”. Reverend Pickett was brain!15-20hrs/week. Flexible sched- area) with challenges in the areas of chaplain in the Texas death house in ule. $12/hr to start. Call 713-906-2749 communication social skills, play and Huntsville during 95 executions. As for more info. Great opportunity to motor skills. Hours and pay negotiable such he is uniquely qualified to share help a child. Montrose area. but will pay TDP $. Call Jeff of Kim his experiences with the lethal injection at 832-687-9893 or email at gundone@ process. Picket is author of the book, EGG DONATION. Earn $5,000 to aol.com. Within These Walls: Memoirs of a Death $30,000 helping couples. Based on your House Chaplain. age, health, genetic makeup, educa- ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT tion, aptitude, and other attributes. You needed for software company. Offices HOUSING can earn up to $30,000 by donating your in the Rice Village. Friendly environ- eggs to help infertile couples’ dreams ment with other Rice graduates. Flex- MUSEUM DISTRICT. 4001 Greeley near come true. To learn how you can help, ible schedule. $14/hour. Please apply Montrose blvd. Bike to Rice U. Small visit our website @ www.primgen.net or at [email protected]. one bedroom apartment. Hardwood call 281-265-1403. floors, window unit air, gas heat, on-site OTHER laundry. Small privately owned building PART-TIME BABYSITTER needed! with a small courtyard. $565 with lease Watch 2 yr old for few hours a day. DO YOU have a class? I have a time and deposit. Available NOW. Andover Live off the rail on Braeswood. Early to take care your child. I can be a tutor 713-524-3344. mornings maybe some evenings. Start January. Pay is negotiable. Call 281-726- 5322 or email [email protected]. ESTABLISHED SOFTWARE company CLASSIFIED ADS The Rice Thresher owned by Rice graduates is looking for Attn: Classifieds talented software development interns Rates are as follows: 6100 Main St., MS-524 with C# and ASP. N e t e x p e r i e n c e . Help 1–35 words: $15 Houston, TX 77005-1892 clients implement our enterprise soft- 36–70 words: $ 3 0 Phone: (713) 348-3974 ware and participate in the design of 71–105 words: $45 Fax: (713) 348-5238 our new Web 2.0 online service. Please send letter and resume expressing Cash, check or credit card pay- The Thresher reserves the right interest to [email protected]. ment must accompany your ad. to refuse any advertising for any reason and does not take respon- MICHAELYNDON SALON in the Deadline is Tuesday at 5 p.m. sibility for the factual content of Galleria area is looking for an en- prior to Friday publication. any ad. ergetic, professional and polished .